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Ella watched her sisters closely all day , waiting for the perfect moment to leave . Finally , when it was nearly suppertime , she found it . Without hesitation she bolted for the door while everyone was distracted with which gown style and fabric should be worn by each of them at the wedding . Once in the hall , she wasted no time wondering what was next . She knew what was to the left of the room , her bedroom and those of her sisters and stepmother being in that direction . She hadn 't seen the prince in any of those rooms when she 'd looked late last night , and none of them seemed to be rooms he was likely to visit . But to the right … She heard her stepmother 's voice inside , asking where she 'd gone , and she took off running . She needed to find the prince , she needed to tell him the truth , and she couldn 't let Amelia stop her . Not this time . She opened the first door she found on the left and quickly shut it behind her , holding her breath and listening for a sign that someone had seen her . After a few minutes of silence , she looked around the room she was in . It appeared to be a nursery . There were two cribs , with blue and pink blankets all made up . There were toys and dolls and teddy bears on the shelves , and a pair of rocking chairs next to a window . Of course the palace would have a nursery , she thought , but two cribs ? Ella was puzzled , but she had no time to waste . She opened the door again and left the room , closing the door behind her quietly . She looked through all the rooms in the corridor , yet she didn 't seem to make much progress . There was a music room , a school room , a few unused bedrooms , and several rooms that looked as though they were being used for storage . But no room she expected the Prince to visit . A grand clock at the end of the corridor sang out six in the evening and she sighed . She was out of time , she couldn 't stay away any longer . " I guess , " she said softly to herself , " I 'll just have to try again tonight . Who needs sleep , anyway ? " Then she squared her shoulders and headed back down the corridor , to the room Priscilla was meeting her wedding staff in . Time was running short , there were just two days until the wedding . Just two days until all was lost . Philip stared at the young stable hand for a moment and then sighed . " So it 's just as they say , is it ? The shoe didn 't fit any girl in the kingdom except this one . " He stood , and reached out to ruffle the boy 's hair . " Thanks for the help , Andrew . I appreciate it . " Not that it 's done any good , he thought , they 've still somehow got the wrong girl . He didn 't know where else to turn for answers . He was bound by his word , he 'd said that he 'd marry whomever the shoe fit . And somehow , the shoe fit the wrong girl . What was her name , anyway ? Pri - something . He shook his head and turned toward the castle . His father had said something about seeing him for supper , and it was nearly that time in any case . Ella got another chance to look for the Prince after supper , when her sisters and stepmother where once again enveloped in wedding plans . This time , she took a different corridor , to another wing of the palace . She searched for as long as she could , almost frantic as she opened and shut doors and turned corners into new halls . When she realized that the women would probably be looking for her , she turned around to head back , but didn 't recognize anything she saw . She 'd forgotten to keep track of which turns she 'd made , which doors she 'd opened , and now she was lost . Philip frowned as he looked at the girl in front of him . She looked so familiar , but he didn 't know her name . He knew all the names of all the people who worked in the palace , he 'd made it a point to memorize them and to remember each new person as he or she was hired . But this girl , he couldn 't recall the name of . " I 'm sorry , " he finally said , " But I can 't seem to remember your name , dear . I 'm Philip . " Ella was dumbstruck for a moment , enraptured just as she had been at the dance by the size and build of the man before her , and by his voice . Then she heard a different voice , a shrill one she knew too well , and her mind finally started cooperating . She grabbed the prince 's hand and dragged him into a nearby room , shutting the door behind them and leaning against it . He started to speak but she gave him a fierce look and he quieted . She held her breath , praying not to be found , as the sound of her stepmother 's shoes clicked down the corridor . Her name was called again , and then there was a moment of silence . The clicking sound drew closer , until Ella knew she was about to be found out . She held the handle of the door tight , praying that Amelia didn 't prove to be stronger than her . The knob turned a fraction in her hand , and then a fraction the other way , and then there was silence . Her name was called again , and she held her breath . Then , the sound of her sisters squabbling drew a scoff out of her stepmother on the other side of the door , and the clicking sound of Amelia 's shoes grew more distant until Ella couldn 't hear them at all . She sighed , and slumped against the door . " What just happened ? " " I don 't know how it happened , " she said softly , " But the girl who the shoe fit on is not the right girl . She 's my sister . My step - sister . She 's not the one you danced with . " Ella shook her head . " I wasn 't there . Her mother married my father and she doesn 't like to have me around her daughters . But that doesn 't change the fact that Priscilla did not dance with you at that ball . " Philip took a moment to look at the girl more closely , noticing her chocolate - colored hair and her golden brown eyes . Her voice was right , and he recognized her . It would make sense , she could be the one he danced with . He reached his hand out to her . " Prove it . " She seemed to consider it for a moment before putting her hand in his . He led her to the middle of the room , and they started to dance . As her body moved with him , he knew she was right . This was the girl he had danced with , the one he had searched for . So how was she not the one his men brought back ? How did the shoe not fit her ? Philip smiled at the girl in his arms , thinking that she was rather pretty . Her face turned red and she let her eyes drop to the floor as he helped her back onto her own two feet . " I 'm so sorry , Your Highness , " she said softly , dropping into a somewhat clumsy curtsey . She started leaning to one side and he reached out to stabilize her once more . " It 's quite all right , " he chuckled . He held out his hand for hers and bowed over it " You obviously know who I am . What is your name ? " He frowned and looked more closely at her features . He was told that Priscilla was the name of the girl they found , the one whose foot fit the shoe . But this girl , this red - haired , green - eyed girl with the high - pitched voice , she couldn 't possibly be the one he danced with . " You 're … ah … shorter than I remember you . " " These shoes are lower than the ones I wore to the dance , Your Highness . " The girl shook her head . " My hair has always been red like the sunset , Your Highness . I did have it pulled back tightly , perhaps in the light it looked brown . " He frowned and nodded again . Her voice was off , she didn 't look the same that she did when he danced with her , and the spark he 'd felt that night was gone altogether . But she was the one the shoe fit . The only one in the kingdom . He bowed to her hastily . " It 's been a pleasure to meet you again , Priscilla . I have some business to attend to . " He gestured to a nearby page " If you need anything , tell this boy and he 'll find someone to get it for you . I 'm sure you have much to do as well . " He headed out of the room but was stopped by another voice . " Your Majesty ? " He turned to see the girl 's mother standing . " Are there any details about the wedding that you would like to decide ? " He shook his head , far too distracted to even think about what details a wedding could need . " We have a woman for that , the boy will find her . " He motioned to the page , who then shot off into the hall at a run . " Is there anything else ? " He nodded , bowed to the women again , and then left the room and headed to the stables . Something wasn 't right about the girl , she wasn 't the right girl , and he was going to find out who was . In his experience , the stable hands tended to notice more than most could , so they were the best place to start . Mark was desperate that the King hear and understand what he was trying to say , but it just didn 't seem to be getting through . " Mark , I understand your misgivings but you yourself admitted that you haven 't seen the good Lady in close to fifteen years . You didn 't even know that Hillshire 's girl was still living with her . People change . She 's probably not as bad as you 're claiming , and her daughter is probably a lovely fit for my Philip . " Mark growled softly in frustration and dragged a hand through his hair . " Albert , I 've served you for a long time . Our families have worked together for a long time . Have I ever even once been this adamant about something and been wrong ? " " Nonsense , Mark ! You spoke to her when she was a child . She probably heard a maid gossiping and took it on as truth . Children say things without understanding the meanings . " Mark sat down , the fire suddenly gone from his argument . He knew he was right . He knew Amelia better than he could ever admit . But the king simply did not want to see the evil that she was . He did not want to see anything that could tamper with the chance that his son would get married before he died . Mark looked up as Albert doubled over in another coughing fit . Albert frowned at him . " My son can keep a woman in line , Mark . And I don 't think she 's as bad as you 're making her out to be . You 're probably still sore over Amelia refusing your proposal all those years ago . " Mark clenched his jaw against the memories . He had been a boy , young and foolish . She was his sister 's friend , already a beautiful young woman with her sights set on a local landowner . He was desperately in love with her , in love with her beauty and her confidence . He was sure , so sure , from the way that she smiled at him , that she loved him too . He had worked hard , saved as much of his wages as he could , to buy her a ring that was nice enough to rest on her finger . He 'd proposed , confessed how much he loved her and practically begged her to marry him . She had laughed . She laughed at his proposal , at his ring , at him . She denied him , rejected him , and cruelly told him that he could never be good enough to marry her . She had her sights set higher . She deserved better . And she knew how to get it . He tried to warn her against taking what the faerie offered . Male faeries were pure evil incarnate , like their female counterparts only in appearance . She hadn 't listened to him . Two days later , her engagement with the landowner was announced , and just a year after their wedding he died . After that Mark had been forced to watch in horror as she steadily grew more and more evil , the faerie 's magic working its way into her heart with every month that passed . By the time she was engaged to his best friend , there was nothing left of the sweet and beautiful woman he 'd fallen in love with . In her place was a cold - hearted witch of a woman who could and would do anything to get the power she wanted . He 'd tried to warn Joseph , but the man was in love , enchanted by her physical beauty to the point of being blind to anything else . He paid for that . Mark sighed and forced the memories aside . " I certainly bear no pain over her rejection . " He said softly . The King scoffed his disagreement , and Mark gave up . " A different subject then , Hillshire 's daughter . " " You were lied to , King . They mistreat her , they disrespect and disregard her . I worry for her if one of them comes into power as the queen . Is there nothing we can do to save her ? " Albert 's frown deepened before his thoughts were interrupted by another coughing spell . When he could breathe again , he stood wearily . " I need rest , Mark . For now , let me rest . Tomorrow , have her brought to my table for lunch . I should at least speak with her , and see if there is somewhere she 'd rather be . I owe that much to her father . Did I ever tell you he saved my life ? " Mark watched his friend , his king , slowly make his way toward the door to his chambers . A servant rushed to his side when the next coughing fit started , and supported him the rest of the way . Deep sadness enveloped his heart . He 'd already watched one friend die unfairly , before his time . Now , he had to watch another do it as well . At least this time it wasn 't murder , he thought . But that didn 't make it any less painful . With a tired sigh he left the room , stopping by a mirror in the hall to straighten his coat and hair . See to the women , indeed . He wasn 't sure he could handle it , especially if the soon - to - be queen was going to talk at all . Ella watched the stars appear from the window in her new room in the palace . It was a ground - floor room , but she could still see the sky and after the day she 'd had , seeing the sky was what she needed most . That , and a plan . She was in the castle , and that was good . But she 'd made it this far half afraid that she wouldn 't make it at all , and she 'd forgotten entirely to plan her next step . She needed to stop that wedding , to show the prince that it wasn 't Priscilla after all , that the shoe fitting meant nothing . Well , almost nothing . That shoe was specially created for her by the family fairy . A shoe custom - fit to her foot should have never even come close to fitting Priscilla 's ogre toes . And yet , somehow , it did . Perfectly . Which meant that something was wrong . Just then , a shooting star caught her attention . She rolled her eyes . " Now you decide to show up , " she muttered to herself . " Well I would have made it sooner if I could have . There 's lots of Hillshires besides you , you know . Aunts and Uncles and cousins . " Ella turned to face the fairy and found herself once more amazed by the creature . She wasn 't more than four feet tall , slender like a reed , with wings that looked like spun sugar . Her skin was an odd bluish color and her hair was black like pitch , as were her eyes . Her ears were pointed and looked sharp like daggers , and her teeth were jagged points . She wore a short dress and small shoes that looked like they had been made of spider silk . Yet , despite her somewhat frightening appearance her voice was sweet like the sound of a gently flowing stream in the forest , and Ella knew her to be kind . " I did come as soon as I heard . " The fairy said gently . " I couldn 't wait to congratulate you . Imagine , a Hillshire married to the Prince ! " The fairy shook her head and waved her hand dismissively . " That doesn 't count . Bloodlines are what count and the nearest Hillshire besides you is two kingdoms away . Besides , I heard that the King sent out that shoe you lost and that 's how he found the girl . " " Oh , that 's not possible . " The fairy laughed , a sound like tiny bells ringing softly . " Only the good families get fairies . Family Hillshire had one largely because of your mother . " " It wasn 't possible that the shoe should fit Priscilla either , godmother . " Ella sighed and turned back to the window . " Yet , here we are , because it did . I need you to find out what you can . I know this shouldn 't have happened , but it did and now we need to keep it from going much further . " The question was sudden , unexpected , and Ella wasn 't sure how to answer . Did she ? He made her knees weak and her heart race . She couldn 't stop thinking about him , about being near him again , about dancing with him . She 'd lost track of time completely at the ball , which was why she 'd had to leave in such a hurry . But did that mean she loved him ? The fairy seemed to consider that for a moment , and then she nodded and lifted herself off the ground . " Be careful , pet . " She said softly . " Be wise and brave , but do be careful . Love will win , in the end . " Ella watched her disappear , an odd expression on her odd little face . When she was gone , Ella watched the stars twinkle for a few minutes before finally laying down to rest . As she drifted off , the fairy 's words rang in her mind . " Love will win , in the end . " With a sigh Ella turned over . " I hope you 're right , " she whispered , and then she let sleep claim her . _______________________________________________________________ Priscilla was nervous . Very nervous . It was a new sensation for her , being nervous . She 'd never really had anything to be nervous about before , which was funny considering that she was almost twenty - six years old . Everything she 'd wanted in life had been handed to her , from the moment her mother poisoned her father 's dinner and his estate became theirs . But now , she was nervous . And with good reason . She knew the shoe shouldn 't have fit . She didn 't know whose shoe it was , but she knew it was not hers , and she hadn 't danced with the prince at the party . She 'd been too busy trying not to look like she was staring at the butcher 's son , who came to the palace as an escort for his family 's ward - some orphaned rich child whose father somehow knew and trusted the butcher . She 'd been pining after the butcher 's son for some time , rather inexplicably since he had nothing at all to offer her . He was a poor man and if he were to court her his gifts would probably be those of a poor man : Wild flowers , pebbles picked from the river bank , and that sort of thing . Regardless , she was attracted to him , and that night it had taken all of her power not to get caught staring at the cut of his jaw or just how nice he looked in what were doubtlessly his best clothes - rags that they were . With a shake of her head , Priscilla forced her mind back to the moment at hand . She was not the one the Prince was really looking for but she had to somehow convince him that she was . The shoe fitting helped , certainly . But she wasn 't a spring chicken anymore . She was nearly twenty six years old , almost a spinster . Though , admittedly not nearly as close to a fate of destitute loneliness as her elder half - sister . Nevertheless , she couldn 't risk botching this one . Marrying the Prince would set her in a life of even greater luxury than she had with her mother , Lady Amelia , the woman who married men for their fortunes and then took their lives . As the wife of a Prince , she would one day rule the kingdom , and she could have absolutely anything she wanted . But more importantly , if she married the Prince she 'd be married . And if she didn 't marry the Prince , if he found her unsuitable , there probably wouldn 't be any other chances for her and she 'd have to hope for the kindness of someone like the butcher 's son . Which , in all honesty , wasn 't likely to happen . Priscilla knew she was mean - spirited . Poor men liked girls who could make them smile and the only people she 'd ever made smile were her mother and half - sister . She desperately needed this break . She needed this chance . It just had to work out ! Priscilla gave a passing glace to Anastasia and ignored her . She really hated that girl , and yet they were the best friends either of them had ever known . " I said , stop pacing ! " Anastasia 's foot shot out from under her dress and caught Priscilla 's ankle , sending her sprawling . She was just barely saved from landing on the floor in a heap by a man who had just walked into the room . She lifted her face from his chest , praying she hadn 't left rouge or lip stain on his shirt , and looked up to thank him . When she saw his face , the words froze in her throat . Oh , she 'd really done it now . Ella had learned over the years that there was great value in knowing when to keep your mouth shut and your opinions to yourself . Sometimes , the price just wasn 't worth whatever words you 'd be able to find anyway . When she 'd finished helping her stepsisters to change into even richer , heavier gowns and pile their hair atop their heads , Anastasia once more demanded Genevieve 's sapphire jewelry for Priscilla . With a heavy heart and absolute silence , Ella brought the precious earrings and necklace from the chest of her mother 's things and put them on her step - sister . Her heart screamed in anguish at the unfairness of it all , but she knew when to pick her battles . The sapphires , though precious to her because they were her mother 's , weren 't worth squandering a chance to fix the horrible mistake that was about to be made . Mark seethed to himself as he led the now ridiculously long group back to the palace . The list of grievances this family was committing was growing in his mind . Amelia had insisted on packing practically her entire house for the journey . Those dreadful girls had demanded to wear the jewelry that had belonged to the first Lady Hillshire and were now proudly displaying their victory over Ella - no matter how idiotic it made them look to have such finery on for a ride through the kingdom . He now had to do his best to keep them to the town roads , which would make the journey significantly longer and more tiresome . They 'd mistreated poor Ella . They complained about everything and to everyone , not remaining quiet for more than a few minutes at a time . He 'd finally decided to leave the carriage and ride on horseback instead , but he could still hear their loathsome voices . An ear piercing shriek of a laugh rung through the forest as they made their way along the road between towns , and he cringed from the sound of it . Mark gaped at Ella for a moment . " Are you really making excuses for those horrid girls ? " he asked her , quite astonished . She chuckled and nodded . " It 's stepmother 's doing . " She said quietly , " She taught them that anything in the world they decided they wanted was something they deserved . They don 't know proper manners or how to treat others because they just weren 't ever taught . I don 't think she was taught either , so it 's not really her fault . I do hope they weren 't too rude to you . " " Did you know Father ? " her gold and brown eyes caught his and for a moment , he saw Joseph instead of Ella . " Yes , " he answered slowly , forcing his eyes to the road , " I did . He was a very good man . I tried to convince him not to marry your stepmother . " " He told me he loved her . He said that love can make a person blind to reason , blind to anything but the love . Love can make you crazy . " Once more he turned to see Ella , watched her as she rode . She sat straight , keeping a good posture while moving with the horse easily . He remembered that Lord Hillshire had put her on a horse just as soon as she could hold herself upright . " You frightened your mother half to death the first time your father let you ride a horse on your own . " Her eyes snapped to his , filled with surprise . " Oh , yes . " He laughed . " You were just a few months old , just barely walking . He put you on that horse and led it around the yard . You fell and your mother just about fainted . " " Mother died when I was very young . I have few memories of her and I 'm not even sure how many of those are real , and how many were created in my own mind for comfort . You seem to have known my parents well . Could you tell me , what she was like ? " Mark kicked himself mentally . Of course the girl wanted to know about her mother . Ella had only been two or three when she had died in childbirth . Unfortunately , the child hadn 't survived either . " I was very close friends with your father , " He confirmed . " We both grew up near the palace , as did your mother . She was a wonderful woman . She looked much like you do , except her eyes were different . They were grey , like the sky when it rains . She had the most wonderful spirit , always laughing and finding the fun in everything . And she never let her station as wife to one of the most important Lords in the kingdom spoil her . She was kind to everyone she met and everyone loved her for it , from the king right on down to the men who sweep the streets . Being around her was much like I imagine being in heaven is . Whenever someone was near her , they always felt like the most important person in the world . She had a way of doing that , your mother . She would lift people 's spirits and they 'd leave her home feeling rested and happy . " They fell silent then , watching the road ahead of them as they rode . Mark found himself surprised by the transparency that Ella had adopted with him . He expected someone who was raised the way she was , with such cruel women for family , to be more guarded and closed off . Instead she was open and honest , much like her mother . Her sigh told him the heaviness in her heart . " I wish I had much of a choice . Either I would give them to my sisters and be allowed to come with them to the palace ; or I would refuse , and they would steal the jewelry , and I would be punished and left behind . It is more important to me that I reach the palace than it is that my sisters not wear my mother 's things . " " Why ? " The shrew 's shrill voice broke the relative quiet of the forest and Ella turned her horse around to answer the summons . She rode back to where the carriage was , leaving him without an answer . Posted by Dear God , no . Those words were the only ones Mark could muster in his mind at first . They 'd been searching for so long . They 'd tried this shoe on almost every girl in the kingdom but it seemed to be custom - made and every last one of them found it slightly too large or slightly too small or slightly too narrow . When the carriage had slowed to a stop in front of the last house on the outskirts of the kingdom , he 'd thought he 'd have to return to the King and his son empty - handed . He was sure the wedding plans already in progress would have to be canceled . Surely , the Prince could not have fallen in love over a few dances with someone from * this * house he thought . He knew the women who lived here , had known Lady Hillshire for many years , and he knew that she could never raise a child with the grace and poise and appeal the Prince had described to him . Yet , here she was , the dreadful Priscilla , with the shoe perfectly fitting her foot . Recovering his wits , Mark stood and bowed to the girl . " As decreed by His Royal Majesty the King , I hereby declare you , Miss Priscilla Bernadine Hillshire , to be the betrothed of His Highness the Prince . In accordance with the orders of the King , you are now to be escorted to the Palace , where in three days ' time you will be wed . " The scream of delight sounded more like a banshee 's shriek to him as the girl leapt from the chair she was sitting in . She stumbled , having on two entirely different types of shoe , and fell in a flurry of richly colored fabric . As he helped her up from a heap on the floor , he wondered to himself how the prince could have possibly thought her graceful , or even attractive . Sure , she was beautiful enough . The blazing red hair she 'd gotten from her mother 's third husband went well with her pale complexion and her emerald green eyes . She was born a McLeod and it was easily evident to anyone who knew that fact that she took after her father - a sturdy Scotsman with a good heart who met his end far too soon , thanks to Lady Amelia . Priscilla had most definitely inherited the Scottish features , and when paired with her mother 's deceivingly petite build those features created a girl who was certainly a sight to behold . She had the most unfortunate habit of whining every word she said through her little nose , a habit doubtlessly acquired from being the youngest of Amelia 's blood - related daughters and constantly having whatever she could whine for . Her voice grated on his ears and his nerves as she jabbered " can you believe its " to her mother and sister . Then she turned toward the stairs leading to the kitchens and cellar , and hollered at a pitch that made him want to faint just to escape it . Ella ? The girl was still living here ? He thought that when Lord Hillshire had died , his young daughter had been sent away to a relative where she could live in peace and be brought up in a way that was proper for her station . He thought , surely , that her father had recognized the pure evil that his new wife was made of and sent his precious girl away so that she wouldn 't be corrupted by it . Curious , he kept his eyes on the stairs , only half listening to the shrill whine of Pricilla 's voice as she continued jabbering on to her mother . After several minutes a quiet fell over the three women . He turned to see Amelia , plainly furious , staring at the same set of stairs . Clearly , Ella had not come when summoned by her stepsister and that did not sit well with the Lady . But why would that be so ? Ella was the daughter of a highly esteemed Lord in His Majesty 's kingdom , a man His Majesty had trusted enough to set his home at the edge of the Kingdom as a defense against any who would invade . Since Joseph 's death , His Majesty had made sure to take care of the Hillshire family and estate , taking special care to know that his accounts keeper was sending them the gold and supplies they would need , even sending them extra staff from his own palace at harvest and festival times . Ella was the natural - born daughter of this man His Majesty clearly felt deep respect toward , even in death . So why would she even be subjected to the summons of her lesser stepsister ? Amelia motioned for a rather worried - looking maid standing in a nearby corner . " Go get that girl . Clearly , she has gone deaf . Be sure she knows that she will be punished for it . " Priscilla and her half - sister , Anastasia , continued to talk once more , but in quieter tones . Clearly , they knew that if they aggravated their mother at this moment even they would not be spared her wrath . He gestured to the page accompanying him and brought him a few steps away from the women . " I don 't like this , she can 't possibly be the right girl . " He whispered " Go quickly , take a fresh horse from the stable and ride to the palace . Tell his Majesty that I must speak with him at once when we arrive , that I have concerns about what marrying this family into his will do to the kingdom . " The page nodded and scurried off , catching Amelia 's attention in the process . " He is riding to the palace , " Mark answered easily " To tell the King that I have found the Prince 's bride . " Amelia stared at him for a long minute , and he met her gaze evenly . She was like a wild dog , and he dared not show any fear lest she discover his lie and tear him to shreds . She was a conniving , charming woman who could convince anyone of anything and even without any evidence against him , she could surely turn the king and his court against him if she pleased . The maid returned from the kitchen area , and Amelia 's attention was diverted to the girl following behind her , her plain grey gown covered in soot . " I apologize , Lady , " the girl said , " Mary tells me that I was summoned but I did not hear it . I was cleaning one of the kitchen chimneys . " Amelia appeared ready to question the girl , but cast a glance in Mark 's direction and instead turned away dismissively . " Bring Priscilla 's things down and have them packed on the emissary 's horses . Use a few of our carts if necessary . But change your gown first , and wash your hands . My daughter shouldn 't have to suffer with dirty things because you 're a cinder - girl . " I used to be able to just pull something out of thin air and BOOM ! I had something to at least start a story or a blog post . But then , shortly before I moved out here , I burned one of what I now know was my best stories ever . I just got frustrated with the first draft and burned it . Since then , I can start but I can never get past the first few pages . It just doesn 't come to me . For example , I expected to have a constantly clean house that always smelled of whatever amazing dishes I was whipping up from thin air for the next meal , and to always look my absolute best . I got a busy lifestyle that drops me on the couch after a long day with whatever I 've managed to not burn for dinner and then swoops me out the door with my makeup just barely finished in time ( and occasionally a skirt that should have been washed last week ) in the morning . Which means I 've got a house that looks only slightly less like a horde of bachelors lives here and we occasionally play " find that smell . " This is not to say that I 'm unhappy with what I got . I absolutely love my husband and the places that we 're going to go ( figuratively and literally ) together . I love the way all of those weird situations are starting to be turned around and worked out for our benefit . I love my life with him , where the only moments I seem to have for breath are while I 'm working with his uncle and almost every minute of my day is spent with my husband . I love waking up and moving in a whirlwind out the door to go call on customers and run errands and be productive , and then coming home and falling into exhausted sleep together . I really do enjoy all of this . It 's just not what I was expecting . It makes me wonder if sometimes we don 't look at what we were expecting , and compare it to what we got , and feel we 've come up short . Looking at my list here it certainly looks like I 've come up short , but that 's before considering things like the fact that all of these trials have brought us closer than anything else could have . We honestly don 't like to do things apart from each other for any amount of time , and whenever we do have to be separated , we end up really emotionally drained at the end of the day . We laugh together all the time , and we genuinely love being together . Granted , there are times I 'd like to throw something heavy at his head . And I 'm sure there are times that he wants to strangle me . We have our misunderstandings and our " bad days " but despite all of that , we love being with each other . And at the end of the day , provided I haven 't gotten into my cranky sleepy mood and started a fight , just being together is the best thing there is . I didn 't get a lot of what I expected from this marriage so far . Life isn 't perfect , and I didn 't have my dream wedding or the perfect engagement ring or even my ideal proposal . . . and married life for the past year has definitely been a year of unexpecteds . But I wouldn 't trade any of it . What we have now , the bond and closeness that we have and the way that we so easily relate to each other , probably could only happen through what we 've been through . Our week was busy , full , and pretty fun . We got to spend a lot of time together , and had a lot of laughs . We 've enjoyed having corned beef instead of chili for the week but I 'm ready to switch . We 're starting to work on paying off the debts that piled up last year , so we 're still doing our best to live lean . Aside from that , there 's not much new . Dearest is really the one who 's made the biggest impact in my life . He picked up the pieces after my previous relationship shattered me and has spent the past two years helping me put them all back together and then helped me to become better than I thought I could be . He 's taught me a lot , showed me over and over that my potential is so much bigger than I where I often set my limits . He keeps me stable , and understands me , and helps me through my rough patches . I really don 't know what I 'd do without him . St Pats day was really the highlight of my week . It was one of our neighbors ' 54th anniversary , and they invited half the neighborhood over for " Mulligan Stew " - and insisted that we show up . It was a great party , with lots of good food and good conversation and laughing . Mulligan Stew , by the way , isn 't a set stew recipe . It 's whatever an Irish woman decides to put in a pot . This time , it was a typical Irish stew ( meat , potatoes , carrots , celery ) with a broth that seemed to have grapefruit as a primary ingredient . It was , despite how it sounds , absolutely delicious . This , surprisingly , is a tough one . I think I 've had several " best days " so far , and I have several more in my future . None of the " best days " seem to coincide with events the way you 'd think they would . For example , my wedding day was a very good and very important day , but it wasn 't one of my best days . At the end of the night I went to sleep with a twinge of disappointment . It was entirely my fault , for having picked the wrong people to share that day with , but that kept it from being a best day . My best days are random . It may be an unimportant Tuesday , some random Saturday , or any other day with no real significance to it . The best day of my life is a day I get to spend with Dearest , out and about , being productive and being together , and then coming home and curling up on the couch to watch TV - usually something in the sci - fi genre . It 's a day when we laugh together and talk a lot and get to just be close . I think most recently that day was Friday of last week . As a kid I used to try to convince my parents that I absolutely HAD to wake up at 5 in the morning to get to school ( which was practically in our backyard ) at 8 . I 'd get up quietly , shower quietly , eat breakfast quietly . . . and then sit around for two and a half hours waiting for it to be time for me to leave . I 've always believed that it 's better to be early than late . Granted , in high school when I was helping out with the younger kids , I frequently ran later than I wanted to . I got into the habit of hitting the snooze button and having to rush myself . But more often than not , I was early . Sometimes ridiculously early . As an adult I 'm the same way . Now I have a few more things to do in the " getting ready " process . . . walking in the morning , getting my makeup and hair right , etc . I also do most of the work to get my husband ready for wherever we 're going - picking out and ironing clothes , making breakfast , getting coffee - just about all he does is shower , put on clothes , and leave . And because I ( for some reason ) still haven 't quite adjusted to this . . . or maybe it 's because I love laying in bed with him too much . . . we almost always end up late . It ; s taken a lot for me to adjust to this . I genuinely hate being late . I feel it 's rude , and shows that you 're unprepared and careless . . . and yet almost every time we go anywhere together , we are late . This used to be a serious issue for me . I 'd get very upset , to the point of initiating a shouting match in the car on the way to our important meeting or our coffee date or church . I 'm better now , but it 's taken a lot of time and effort . But when it 's just me , when I 'm the only one I need to get ready and out the door , I still follow those old elementary school habits . I get up , do what I need to in order to be ready to leave , and then , quite often , I sit on the couch with my purse and my coat and wait for it to be an appropriate time to leave . And I * still * end up 20 to 45 minutes early . . . almost every time . Sometimes , it 's hard to keep up on these weekly updates . I want to do it , don 't get me wrong . But sometimes I wonder if you 're not bored . My life , it seems , is so * routine * . . . Laundry , dishes , sales calls , cooking , dishes , laundry , cooking , dishes . . . . Now I do have some variation in my routine . Still very little , but some . I 'm working with Dearest 's uncle . . . well , for him is more accurate . I relieve his normal guy who manages the mini storage place he runs . It 's a nice change of pace , though it 's still mostly routine thus far . Check the units , answer questions , rent out trucks , check in trucks , check the units . . . At least my coworker is entertaining . I 've had some fun asking him to prove or dispel some of the myths I 've heard about Mormons . . . not that he 's a " normal " mormon from what I can tell , but he grew up in the doctrine so he gets it more than I would . Plus , it proves for some really interesting conversations . Like : Him : " Well , yeah . But they aren 't magic or anything . Though I like to joke with people : ' Yeah , me n my seven wives are going to put on our magic underwears and fly our carpet to the movies ' We don 't believe in polygamy anymore either , by the way . " So our week has been routine , for the most part . We 've filed an appeal with unemployment and are preparing for that battle , we 're continuing to develop customer relations and make money , I 'm working two days a week to help out the uncle , and I never - ever - seem to have enough time to stay on top of the cleaning and organizing . I 'm also making hats . We 're gearing up for a good season , I know we are . By the end of the month I 'm certain that we will have exceeded Dearest 's previous income and will be booked on large , profitable projects and small , low - effort monitoring agreements through the summer . From there , we 'll continue working to gain customers , and then the only way to go is up . The long and short of it is that the owner of the previous company disputed our claim , stating that Dearest quit instead of that he was fired . He was , in fact , fired . After much back - and - forth and a few 22 - page faxes from us to them , the unemployment office has decided that " If you don 't come in today you may not have a job to come back to " followed a few hours later by " You have a one - week leave of absence , unpaid , of course . " and five days later with " The new owner decided you are too quirky to work with and as of the first day you took off , you have been fired " all constitutes Dearest quitting . I will , in a different post , show you exactly what type of person this previous owner is . However , this post is just to ask for prayer . Unfortunately , we are not in a place where we can make ends meet - by any definition of the word - without the small but crucial supplement that unemployment benefits provide . We are contacting a group of lawyers who act as advocates for victims of unemployment and unfair employers who manipulate the system to leave former employees without even the most basic assistance . We need prayer . Pray for strength , patience , and lucidity so that I don 't do something rash like storming into the former office to yell at the former employer myself . Pray for wisdom and favor in the courts . Pray for a swift ruling in our favor . And pray for exponential growth and explosive success in our company so that we no longer have to deal with this nightmare . This week has been good for us in a lot of ways . We had our first $ 1000 day followed by a $ 400 day . We 're getting customers and referrals and projects . We 're doing well . But I , personally , seem to be spinning out of control . I 've realized , yet again , the depth of my lack of self discipline . I can 't seem to make myself say no when it comes to the things I want . Un - spoiling yourself at 20 is hard . In fact , it 's downright painful . And for someone who ( for some god - awful reason I don 't understand ) relies on things like sweets and fast food to manage stress , it 's also crucial . I 've started crocheting , which helps . It probably has something to do with a feeling of accomplishment , a feeling that I * can * get something right . In times where our survival is so far out of my hands and I have to admit to strangers and their pushy little girl scouts that we just don 't have the money for cookies , that feeling that I can make something come out right is really important to me . The only issue is that it 's not helping enough to quell my embarrassing desire to shove every fatty , sodium - rich , or sweet food into my mouth . Hi , I 'm Laura . I 'm 23 , and I 'm a wife and business owner among other things . I love to learn and I love to share what I learn ( and what I think about it ! ) with others , which is the purpose of these blogs . I hope you 'll find something here enjoyable , useful , and maybe even helpful . I know I have ! " We 're all a little weird and life 's a little weird . And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we get together and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love . " ~ Dr . Seuss " I declare it Famine and Pestilence day . Because anybody can declare any day any sort of day they want it to be . And tomorrow will be the celebration of the end of Famine and Pestilence day . So let it be written , so let it be done . " ~ Said the day before Thanksgiving |
After work , I headed to the bus stop with the rare enclosure plastered by a not - so - rare ad . It had rained on and off all day , and the see - through plastic was covered in condensation . This did not bode well for the figure drawn between a pair at an eatery table - a pale , frizzy - haired woman and a clean - cut man . Etched in black , the figure was an older man in a jacket as crumpled as his face . While the couple smiled at each other over a few well - placed pieces of tech , the old man stared at a steaming cup of coffee on their table . The etches that made up the old man were dripping away . I made my way out into the light rain , and saw Evelyn - from - work standing by the ' bus stop ' sign . She had headphones on , and looked , as she usually did , like she was thinking about someplace a little better than Earth . I didn 't want to be the thing that took her from that place , so I moved to the curb and , watching the ripples the rain made in a nearby puddle , twiddled my fingers . I turned and saw her approaching me just before the passing semi - truck sped past and splashed the puddle 's contents up at us . In an instant , our torsos were soaked , our faces patched with murk . Evelyn 's momentary grin was less flushed than my own , which subsided as oily water dripped from my chin . Evelyn glanced over my shoulder . I got the message this time , and took a step back with her . The bus pulled into what was left of our puddle , and most of the crowd jockeyed for position in a line around us . " Forty - nine , huh ? That 's the kind of math they 'd like back at the agency . " " Not at all . I tossed some decimals out in your favor . " I nodded , vaguely aware that some tall teenager in line was calling me stupid . " I 'm a dope that way . " Smiling a little , Evelyn nodded more slowly this time . " I guess I won 't be forgetting , then . I was actually just waiting for a seat over there , though . " She motioned to the wooden bench in the enclosure . I needed to go ; I had an apartment to look at . With one foot on the bus , I told Evelyn that I 'd see her around . As the doors closed , I couldn 't recall any girl who professed to love me doing more than what she had done - getting splashed with dirty water for my sake . I watched Evelyn getting further away from me as the bus moved forward , and thought such was life . " I hope so . I talked to the landlord 's niece on the phone , and , well . . . yeah , I guess I should head in there . No offense . " I rang a bell , and watched , as in the right panel of the three - tiered window , a woman appeared with eyes trained on the man in the Hawaiian shirt . Me , she glanced at . A few seconds later , I heard a door inside unlocking , though the woman remained in the window . The door was answered by a man with red , yellow , and green rubber bands clumping off sections of his hair . " Come in , " he said with a nod . It sounded like he was giving an order , so I rang the bell for a moment , and felt him looking at me incredulously . After the landlord 's niece opened the window and told the man outside to leave or else , she paced back and forth in a room furnished only with a gray couch . " What is that guy still doing out there ? " She posed this question to the pair on the couch - the man with the clumped hair , who was staring and nodding at me , and a woman in skinny jeans whose own hair was crimson - colored and inert . Eventually , the landlord 's niece glanced in my direction . " Do you know what that weirdo said when I asked him his name ? After handing me an ID that said Douglass whatever , he told me that he didn 't have a name . " She turned to the woman on the couch , and shook her head . " I know that you think this neighborhood is up and coming , but there 's just way too many freaks for that . " I doubted the veracity of that statement on two levels . As I was about to ask if the apartment was even available anymore , the landlord 's niece looked at me again . " So , obviously , I put some things out for walk - ins , but my uncle told me to keep you in mind ' cause you worked with - no , for him , right ? Anyway , he 'd be good with giving you the place if you could find a roommate . The rent 's higher than he said it was , and he needs it soon . Lucky for you , though , I already found you help . " I closed my eyes and smirked . " You know what ? I 'm going to leave and sort this out with your uncle on the phone . I 'll tell him that I 'll take the place as he described it to me , which means I 'll be finding a roommate on my own , thanks . " The man with the clumped hair paced after me to the door . He stopped short in the doorway as I went out into the rain , which was heavier now . Outside , I found the man in the Hawaiian shirt standing in the middle of the sidewalk . Soaked , he asked " What was the ' or else ' ? " After a quick conversation on the phone at the shelter where I 'd been staying , things were set . In the sleeping quarter , I pulled a suitcase out from under one of thirty cots . Next to me , the man in the Hawaiian shirt explained why it wouldn 't be accurate to call him ' Douglass . " The best approximation that he could offer was what he pulled from the mind of his body , formerly belonging , he said , to Douglass Greene , who would have identified what he was as " Death . " He sighed . " You hear that sound I just made ? I can 't seem to think about the name ' Death ' without doing that - without needing to let go of heaviness . " " That 's a pretty common reaction . " I clipped down the latches on the suitcase . The old woman who gave it to me , Lily , was formerly a blues singer , among other things like a friend and resident here . After having a stroke two weeks ago , she fell into and remained in a coma , and thinking of it as a kind of limbo had diluted the idea of her dying to me . For the moment anyway , standing two feet from me and watching a football arch over our heads , " Death " was all right enough , even if he was delusional . " It varies . There 's a guy here who had a sport scholarship at some top - tier school , but he took a pretty bad hit - couldn 't hit the mark anymore - so they took it away from him . I don 't remember the loudest people here making much noise about that . " Death blinked a few times . " As long as the mark wasn 't someone 's head , it 's good that he 's still trying to find one . Douglass got hit in the head once . " " Lots of people have , " I said , standing and ready to go . Most of the residents were in their own worlds after dinnertime , which could easily be the peak of fullness in a day . No one here that I knew could come up with four hundred dollars soon enough , but Death happened to have a little more than that . And a month , he stated , was all he needed a place to live for . I felt I could take him at his word . One might have thought we went back out in the rain relatively unnoticed , but it just wasn 't easy - always looking at people 's backs . Death and I spent most of the night sorting the apartment out . The stuffing had been torn from the gray couch and strewn through the whole of the place . It was in the big bedroom , the smaller bedroom , the drain of the bathtub , and when Death opened up the mini - fridge in the kitchen , he informed me that it was in there , too , along with a moldy wheel of cheese . " I 'm sorry about all this , guys . " Burt Weller , the landlord , stood in the doorway as we used his brooms to clean up . Burt was still wearing the blue uniform from his failed urban landscaping business , only he was unable to close the shirt now . He was probably closing in on five hundred pounds . " Uh , Harold . Can I speak to you in the hall for a minute ? " Out in the hallway , Burt asked me if the man in the Hawaiian shirt was all right . " He 's not a hippie or anything like that , is he ? My niece 's father was a hippy . " Burt rubbed his wooly hair and nodded . " Good . I 'm glad things are working out for once , huh ? " He looked up at the stairs to his apartment , and sighed . " Well , you guys are going to want to rest . But , hey , let me know if you want to go on the roof . I had a project going up there from back when . . . " He tapped the logo on his shirt , then laughed a little . " It was a good dream , Burt . Good night . " I closed the door and walked sleepily back into the apartment , where I jumped on what was left of the couch . As it deflated under me , I told Death that he could have the bigger bedroom that was next to the bathroom . " If you 're only going to be here a month , you might as well enjoy it . " What little sleep I got that night was ruined by a dream in which I walked into the bathroom and fell into a pitch - dark expanse . As I fell , I felt stretched and more stretched , until I was more like a signal than anything living or breathing . But then , there was a piece of darkness that felt like a spark compared to all the nothingness . I sped towards it , until I stumbled back into the living room and tripped over the deflated couch . When the alarm - clock watch went off in my suitcase , I grabbed the handle and took it out with me . I was barely conscious of the act ; I think I did it because I didn 't remember unlatching the thing at the shelter , and that 's where I still was in my head . On the way to the bus stop , a teen with bifocals tried to snatch the thing away from me . When he failed , another teen zoomed by him . " See ! I told you , man . You should have brought it . " Work that day was a blur . ' Blur , ' in fact , was supposed to be my speed on account of how important outgoing mail was at an ad agency . But with little sleep , I handled the mail - cart on automatic . I rode the service elevator up and down seven floors with no pretense of the importance of advertising . I didn 't sort the occasional piece of garbage from the mail bins like I usually did . A pair of sunshades was among what was left in my suitcase , and I wore them to cover up the red vines in my eyes , ready to explain that I had a late night because I moved into a new place . But nobody asked . I didn 't have a reason to make a sound at all until the service elevator doors closed on the seventh floor . I was heading to the ground floor when someone in the elevator said , " Hello . " I clenched my chest . No one had been in the elevator with me ( the other mail guy and I rarely synced up ) , but when I looked around , I saw the yellow flowers on Death 's red shirt as clear as day , even with sunshades . I 'd barely noticed them before , but now they were bright and lively . Slipping the shades on and off , I looked up at the one - note pleasantness of his face . " How are you doing that ? " When I slipped the shades back on , I tried poking him , but my hand went right through him . " All right , I 'm dreaming . . . in which case , I 'm going to try real hard to get you out of here and , I don 't know . . . Evelyn ! Evelyn should be in here , only ' here ' should be different , too . " " Uh huh . The question I have to ask myself is - why would I dream that I was so tired , though ? I 'm never tired in dreams ; that 's the whole point . " I closed my eyes , which I knew wasn 't a part of dreaming either . " Okay , " I said as the elevator doors opened . " I 'm awake . " When I opened my eyes , Death was gone . A window - washer got on the elevator with a smirk . " Don 't worry , buddy . I spend a lot of time by myself , too . " Later , I waited at the curb for the bus , which I would ride until I figured out how to deal with the presence of Death - or at least until the bus stopped running . The thing of it was that I never really thought about death all that much . Sometimes the prospect of just how disenchanting life could be seemed like it could stretch on forever . Now , Death may have been at home , waiting for me . Someone with a deep voice tapped me on the shoulder . " Excuse me , sir , but your epidermis is showing . You might want to take care of that . " For the second time that day , I shook my head - only it was for the lighter side of a stranger 's dignity . I turned and found no one , but Evelyn popped up over at my other shoulder . " Okay , so I know that guy , and the interesting thing about him is that he doesn 't know what epidermis means . He thinks it means - uh - this is so embarrassing , so . . . " She motioned for me to move my ear closer to her , which I did . " Sadness . " She put her hands in the pockets of her hoodie . " It would be understandable , if you were , you know . Your friend 's still in a coma . " " I 'll have to try pretty hard not to now . " So much for avoiding death - and even Death . Evelyn talked me into visiting Lily for the second time at the hospital , and after watching her fidget for a while in her seat on the bus , I glanced out the window and saw Death walking down the street with grocery bag in hand . As the bus passed him , he turned and seemed to look right at me . Then he waved like I was the only friend he had in the world . In the hospital room , I stared at the breathing tube that looked like it formed a stopper for Lily 's nostrils . Evelyn , meanwhile , picked up a magazine from the bedside table - the one with the image of Lily 's first and only album cover : a mid - twenty - something version of her sitting in a poorly lit recording studio 's isolation room . Their scenery , our blues . " No , not unless you count the blues , which helped her cope somehow . I never got that entirely . " I looked at Lily 's face , which had a slightly sunken quality . " She told me once that she wished she got to sing to an audience with people who lived in the blues , and didn 't just like being associated with them . I told her she should sing right on the spot , but she just laughed and said her voice wasn 't what it used to be . " " My roommate ? " I stopped walking . " I 'd love for you to come . But my roommate , he , uh - well , he thinks that he 's Death , so you can see how that might be a problem . " " It 's not a ' that one , ' Evelyn . That really is the case . I don 't have much money to spare this month , but I 'll throw it all into us going somewhere else , if you want . " " I couldn 't let you do that . I 'd invite you to my house , but my roommates are just short of unbearable . Loud and stupid : they always seem to go together , don 't they ? " I nodded , thinking about Death , who was a far cry from unbearable . More than anything else , he struck me as some alien on a sightseeing trip . And since he could speak the local language , maybe I could even talk to him about bouncing Lily back from the brim of nothingness " All right , " I told Evelyn . " If you want to come to my place , you can . But I need to go and make sure it 's livable first . " At the apartment , I found Death reading a dictionary at a newly furnished kitchen table . On the table , there was an assortment of fruit and junk food . Anything in a wrapper had been opened , and everything else looked like it had a bite taken out of it . " That 's something I wanted to talk about . She 's kind of my first guest , until . . . well , I kind of need to know why you 're here . I just think I 'd like the world a little better if my only two friends didn 't die , you see . " " I do know when people are fading , because I 'm what they pass through . I 've seen glimpses of Burt , here and there , unfortunately . He 's okay for now , but sometimes he stops breathing when sleeps , and those durations are getting longer . Your own trip in my head last night is why I know about your friends . " " I 've wondered that , but if there is , it 's beyond me . I can tell you that are other dimensions , though . More than I 've peeked into - more than there are people on this planet , though most of them are not as lively . " I shook my head . " Not really . Nobody I 've ever liked really had any power , so why should a cosmic being ? Or whatever you are . Besides , Evelyn 's coming over , and yeah . . . " I nodded , got up , and knocked on the wooden table . " Thanks for getting this thing . " " I hope you two enjoy dinner , " he said . " If it 's not too much trouble , save me a little if she brings any Spam . It always brought Douglass comfort . " When the bell rang , I found Evelyn at the door with a large backpack and a big smile . In her hands , she carried a Tupperware bowl with something brothy . " I hope you like mystery soup . " " I do . Plus there 's some stuff in the kitchen we can throw in there , too . " As she made her way inside , I grabbed the bowl , and pointed to what was left of the couch as a place for her to put her bag . I held the Tupperware bowl up to the light ; there actually might have been Spam in it , after all . On my way to Death 's room , the brightest light I 'd ever seen beamed through the crevices around his door . Suddenly , I was unable to look at anything without blinking . " Did you just see that ? " While I was blinking my way to Death , Evelyn moved past me to his door . She was already twisting the knob when I called out to her , and she held on as Death 's door slowly opened up to a barren , icy expanse . At the horizon , a deep - blue color tinted some kind of atmosphere . Inside Death 's room , Evelyn and I took a few tenuous steps out onto the ice - like surface . Ten paces in , I tapped it with my foot . " It looks like ice , but I don 't think it 's made of water . . . Some kind of frozen energy maybe . " Evelyn touched my arm , and as my heart raced a little , she pointed back at the doorway , which looked like a wooden frame with a view back to the living room . She shook her head . " This is . . . " She smiled . " This is great , but we should get back before that door closes , ' cause there 's no reason I can think of that it shouldn 't . " I felt something behind me , and when I looked up , I just barely made out the edge of the bright light from moments earlier , which had a hazy lightning - shaped form this time . By the gust of air that came our way , it felt like it was coming straight at us . I grabbed Evelyn and dropped to the ground . As the light plastered the back of my eyelids , I couldn 't get a word through it . When I could see the lightest hint of blue , I opened my eyes and saw Death standing there , looking at the sky and shaking his head . The living flowers were there again on his shirt . " Hello , " Death said . " I 'm sorry . I think you 'd call the source of that passing light a white dwarf . This is somewhere I 've visited before , and we 're sort of old friends . When it saw you two appear here in this sphere , it got a little curious . If its light had gotten any closer , I 'm not sure this dimensional sphere would have held out . " " It 's okay , " Death said . " I told it that your species is fragile . Believe it or not , it 's waving - at both of you . " Evelyn waved back . " Um . . . Please tell it I said that it was nice meeting it , and that we 're only a little fragile . " She took a breath and looked at Death . " It 's nice to meet you , too , by the way . I like the flowers . " She turned towards me . " Um , do you think we could all continue this over soup ? " After the three of us had Evelyn 's mystery soup , we sat around the table for a while and talked . Mostly we listened to Death 's attempt at telling a humorous story about the white dwarf . Evelyn and I were both sleepy , but where I approximated the dwarf 's behavior into human terms and smiled , Evelyn found the energy to laugh out loud . Eventually , we couldn 't put off sleep any longer . I woke up twice the next morning . Once when Evelyn kissed me on the forehead , and , half - asleep , I got up and watched her putting on her backpack . She told me that she thought she could make it to her place before work ; and that she 'd see me later ; and to tell Death she said bye . The second time , Death got me up . I waved him away , but he kept shaking my shoulder until I looked at his face . " Harold , this is serious . It 's about Evelyn . " I ran outside , thinking I could quickly make it to the spot where those teens tried to grab my suitcase . As I got near the curb , an ambulance came ripping down the street . When I asked myself why I hadn 't thought to get up and go with her , a heavy pain clenched itself to my chest , and I collapsed . At some point , Death joined me out on the curb - a hazy figure in my peripheral vision . My eyes felt like they were burning ; I was trying to stifle tears with the hate I felt for those stupid kids . When he shook his head , Death 's eyes looked hazier than the rest of him . Maybe he was crying , too . " I know it doesn 't make any sense , " he said . " I came here because there 's so many of you , so many who fade into me without any sense of closure - with no sense that they made order out of the chaos here . I liked Evelyn a lot , and I like you . Not a lot of people would have taken me on the way you did . I haven 't had much luck before . That 's why I hope you 'll keep going , Harold . " Death looked at me . " What I can do for the both of you is go to sleep . " Through Death 's door , I walked out into a rooftop garden with a view of Minear Street and all the concrete that surrounded it - the project that Burt - the - landlord had mentioned , though I figured I was in his dream version . Burt , a hundred pounds lighter than he was when I 'd last seen him , stopped pruning a tree to pat me on the shoulder as I stepped inside . There were other people , too . People from the hospital who were in a coma , Death had said . I saw him over by the small stage where the roof fell off and the sun was rising at the horizon . With a stoic face , he seemed torn between the sunrise and Lily , looking the way she looked on her album cover as she sung an Ella Fitzgerald song . There was a small table in the center of the roof . Evelyn sat there , listening to Lily sing . I ran to the table and tried to hold her hand , but I couldn 't . All I could do was motion at the space between us . " I 'm so sorry that I didn 't do this sooner , Evelyn . I just - after I had my heart broken that first time , it took years - I mean , I honestly didn 't think I could use it again . " " Yeah , " she said . In the light from the sunrise , her eyes glowed . " Me , too . Oh , God , Harold . " She closed her eyes and shook her head . " This is a nice song . I can see how the blues helped your friend cope . Just . . . you know , this is more than most people get , but I don 't know what to say . Um , keep me in your head , okay ? I know it 's hard , but - " I was there for Lily 's entire rendition of the Fitzgerald song , but Evelyn was not . Death came over and waited with me until Lily finished the song and everyone went with it except for us - and Burt , who faded in and out with his tree and the rest of the scenery . I knew I should try to talk to Burt outside of Death 's door , but not when I felt why it was so easy to be five hundred pounds . It was getting as dark as it had been the first time that I stepped into Death 's room , and I felt too heavy to leave . The rooftop disappeared beneath my feet , and swallowed by complete darkness , I felt like nothing more than a signal again . More and more , I could not think of anything outside Death 's room worth transmitting to . These are yours alright ! . We at the very least have to get these folks stealing photos to get started on running a blog ! They possibly just did a picture investigation and grabbed them . They search very good although ! 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Last night , Jonathan " caught me " in the bathroom closet , filling Christmas stockings . He looked at me and said , " So , it 's true ! " My heart sank . Nobody had ever really TOLD him . . . and bless his heart , he still held a spark of longing for the wonder . So , my boy grew up a little bit tonight , and I never expected it . As my husband said , " Well , at least now we don 't have to eat those cookies and drink that beer he always leaves for Santa ! " Life changes , and things stay the same . It 's all so interesting and beautiful and confusing and sad . But mostly it 's a lesson in learning , and that 's a good thing . . . . I worked each branch into a " natural " form . This took quite awhile to finish - it 's a 10 ' tree ! I took a bit of a rest , and then went over to the Christmas boxes . Many years ago , I remember dropping by my parents ' home one evening in December . I put my key in the lock and helped myself into the house . My dad was sitting on the couch , reading . " Hi Dad ! " He grumbled some response . I noticed that their table - top artificial tree had been put up . I also noticed the lights and thought , " OMG ! Those lights are horrible ! " I walked into the kitchen , in search of my mother , who I hoped would be happier to see me than my dad was ! I went back into the living room and sat by my dad , making some small talk . Then I said , " The tree sure looks nice ! Wow , those lights are really something . " And they were . They were very heavily laden on the branches - as if someone had sort of dropped the whole strand and they landed , and they were done . They were horrid . Thinking to myself that this would be a very bold move , but reminding myself that I no longer lived there so would not have to endure the after - effects of my actions , I stood up and began re - arranging the lights . My dad kept reading . I think he was so mad he didn 't care if I had removed all of them . My mom stayed in the kitchen . I worked and worked . By the time I was finished , that little tree looked all lit up , but there was not one sign of a cord in sight . Somehow , I 'd woven them all into the branches . Felling pretty proud of myself , I said " Don 't you think that looks a little better ? " My dad said , " What do I know ? Ask your mother ! " So I did . Mom came out of the kitchen and her face just lit up . " Thank you , Mary ! It looks so much better ! I tried to tell your dad that 's not how you put lights on a tree , but he just got mad at me . " Tonight , I remembered this story as I wove the cords of lights between the branches . It was a lot of work ! By the time I finished , I was sweating . Warren came over - right as I was finishing - and said , " Wow ! You 're a genious ! " This evening , after hearing the news of Elizabeth Edwards ' young life coming to it earthly end , I received two emails from two people who know me pretty well . They thought about me when they heard of her death . She is one of my life heroes . I want to share these emails with you , and my responses to them . Don just told me he 'd read on Google that Elizabeth Edwards had died . I know you will grieve over this and that you were a great fan of this lovely lady . Know I have you in my heart . Peace and good - Sally I 'm so saddened by this news . I found out before your email came . Just hung up from talking to Amy . What a great woman . Now I MUST read her second book ; her first was incredible . How sweet of you , Anne Marie ! Thank you . Yes , my heart is very heavy tonight . I watched a beautiful report on her on MSNBC this morning , and remember thinking , " I hope she lives past Christmas . " I didn 't have any idea she was so gravely ill . Her spirit will live on in millions of women who probably believed in her much more than her husband . I have to keep reminding myself that SHE is the winner in all this , even though it appears he is . I just ache for her children , more than anything . She 's fine now . As it turns out , tonight was the monthly Healing Service at St . Luke 's , so I had the opportunity to sit quietly and think about her and say an extra prayer for her children . I 'm okay . God 's in charge . There 's nothing I can do . God will take care of me and you and everyone else who will miss her passionate and lovely presence on this earth . Perhaps I should make a SoulCollage card about her . And I 'll start wearing that button I have : Elizabeth Edwards for First Lady . She sure won that campaign , didn 't she ? You 'd think , being the " First Family " of a church , that we 'd be the " first " to have our Christmas decorations up and lights in the windows . We always talk about it . It just never happens . So , here we are on December 6th and still no tree up ! I did put battery - operated tea lights in the windows , but they 've already gone dead ! So tonight , I remembered the lights I 'd strung around our mantle this summer - to brighten things up . They are still there , my only invitation so far into this season of Advent - waiting - for Christmas to happen . I rather love the effect these lights have on me . Late or not , at least the feeling of Christmas is in the air . And did I mention that our Christmas Cactus is blooming - right on time ! Yesterday was kind of a strange day for me . It was Tuesday , so I had to work . Work was frustrating . I just felt like my time was being wasted with really trivial things , and it didn 't make me feel important or necessary . I met my friend for coffee after work , and that was fun . It was good to hear someone else " complain " besides my own thoughts in my own head . It 's always good to get together with someone and get a different perspective on life ! Warren and Jonathan went to bed early . I spent too much time on the internet , but it was interesting ! It 's so easy to get carried away , catching up on people and places . Anyway , suddenly it was after 11 p . m . and I was dripping with fatigue . But I could not go to bed , as I had not done one thing even remotely creative all day . So , I took a deep breath . I walked into the dining room - where my journal was waiting - and looked at a blank page . I picked up a pen . With my left hand , in large letters , I wrote " SOMETHING CREATIVE . " Then I took almost every one of my rubber stamps and imprinted them on the page . I picked up some pastels ( which I haven 't touched in almost four years ) and spread them around on the page . Here 's the result . Well , I was so pleased with myself , how could I ever go to bed ? I had to do some more . So I made this page , which underneath says , " Because she just had to . " Yesterday we surprised Jonathan with tickets to see our favorite household band , The Subdudes . They were playing at The Narrows in Fall River , MA . We went for an early dinner , then headed southeast . It wasn 't until we arrived that Jonathan figured out what was going on , and he was pretty excited ! Lucky boy , that kid . Although we 've had the tickets for awhile , we decided to make it a celebration of his great mid - term report card ; also , Friday was National Adoption Day , so we threw that in as an excuse as well . Before the show , Jonathan hung out in the " rest room " with the band and during the show , they even dedicated a song to him ! One of the band members is a childhood friend of mine . John Magnie and his family lived across the street from us when we lived on St . Paul Street in Denver . His sister and I were best friends for a long time , even after we moved and they moved . We never lived far from each other , but sort of lost touch over the years . My mom and their mom were best friends for over 50 years , so it was always easy to keep tabs on them . And , we all knew that " those Magnie kids " were perfect because we were frequently asked , " Why can 't you be more like the Magnies ? " John and I laughed about that last night , actually . It was great to see him again . Here 's a picture of me and Jonathan with John " Soul Patch " Magnie . Bishop Katharine Jefferts - Schori was celebrating Eucharist at All Saints Church here in Worcester , in honor of their 175 anniversary , and also to honor the ministries of all the Episcopal churches here in Worcester . I 've admired this woman ever since she was elected , and thought how lucky I was just to be able to attend this service . Little did I know how important it would be to " hang out " with my son ! We were standing inside the side entrance to the church , waiting for Warren to come back and help us figure out where to sit . The door opened , and in walked this woman with a big suitcase . Jonathan immediately recognized her , and walked over to where the Rector of All Saints was standing , greeting her . After she said hello to him , Jonathan stuck his hand out and shook hers and said , " Hi ! I 'm Jonathan ! " Since I was standing right behind him , she turned to me AND SHOOK MY HAND , TOO ! Unbelievable , but true . My son , Mr . How Do You Do ! The service was great - a huge choir , made up of choirs from around Worcester , a brilliant sermon delivered by the PB , and - as it turned out - we had 3rd row seats ! So we even got great pictures during the service . Afterward , there was a nice reception and I met a few nice people ( imagine that ! ) and saw some familiar faces . As we were getting ready to leave , we had to go back to the church to pick up the St . Luke 's Charter , which had been presented to the PB as part of the service . Jonathan saw her in a room behind the altar , filling out the attendance book , and made a bee line for her . Warren and I followed , and next thing we knew , this happened . And then , Warren asked if I 'd take his picture with her . . . And THANKFULLY someone in the room offered to take a family photo . So now I 'm really happy , as you can probably imagine ! She 's a really nice , gentle - spirited person . We had a little bit of a conversation before we left , and she 's just very , very kind . I 'm so happy I got to meet her ! Thanks , Jonathan ! ! And so , in honor of our Katie on what would be her 20th birthday , I stood on the front walk and blew bubbles . I 'd forgotten about the little " church bubbles " we passed out the morning after her Memorial Service . Everyone there that morning sat and blew bubbles . It was quite emotional . Doing this simple act this afternoon reminded me of many wonderful people who were there for us during a really difficult time . My heart swelled with gladness , knowing that we do not walk the rough paths alone . I 'm grateful for every friend I have who reminds me on days like today " I am thinking of you " and I know that I am blessed Blowing bubbles . . . such a simple act ! I watched the bubbles , taking their wings and going off to do what they do . It soothed my soul . Although it was impossible to watch the path of each bubble , part of me wants to believe that at least one made it to heaven , and that Katie was there to catch it - laughing in her funny little way of laughing ! Today is my baby sister Amy 's birthday . She just had some serious surgery a few weeks ago . . . I did not go be with her because she asked me to wait and come when she felt good , " So we can do something FUN together ! " So I 'm waiting . . . missing her on her birthday , knowing she is okay , wishing I was there . It 's really hard being away from my family . Tomorrow is my brother Mark 's birthday . He 's much older than Amy , but always says that " Amy 's birth ruined my birthday ! " It 's a family joke . Amy was such a blessing to us . She was born just a few years after our sister , Anne Loretto , died of leukemia at the age of five years . We wanted a girl so badly ! Back in " the day " parents just had to wait to find out what they were getting . Early in the evening on November 4 , 1965 , my dad called the house to day , " IT ' S A GIRL ! " Well , all mayhem broke loose . We ( kids ) pulled every pot and pan and lid and spoon we could find out of the cupboard and MARCHED up and down Fillmore Street shouting , " IT ' S A GIRL ! " All the neighbors came out and started clapping . We were so excited . We had a new girl in the house , and it was a good thing . But poor Mark ! Nobody hardly paid attention to his ( 11th ) birthday that year . It was all about Amy . Luckily , he never held it against her ; they are good friends , and always have been . So , Happy Birthday Amy . . . and Happy Birthday Mark tomorrow ! I love you guys , and wish I was closer so we could celebrate together - - you know , go dancing or something - like old times ! ( Just kidding ! ) If I was there , we 'd go out for a beer and talk about inconsequential stuff and go home feeling like we were on top of the world . That 's how families get along . . . talking about the inconsequentials . Gotta love it ! The first Tuesday evening of every month , St . Luke 's has a Healing Service . There 's a core group of about 8 - 10 people who faithfully attend , and there is a team of folks who are available to offer healing prayers for those who request it . It 's all very " private " yet public - they are in front of the church , but with music playing it makes it a more private experience . In other words , the folks in the pews don 't have to try to strain to hear what 's being prayed for - they can 't hear it , so there 's no need to try . Does this make sense ? Well , tonight 's service was a little bit different in that we were also acknowledging All Souls Day . Yesterday was All Saints Day - which honors all the " famous " saints ( like Luke , Anthony , Mother Theresa , etc . ) . All Souls Day is to honor those people we love who perhaps didn 't make a big mark in their public life , but left great big marks on our hearts . In many cultures , this is a big deal . I 'm most familiar with the Mexican tradition of Dio de los Muertos , or " Day of the Dead . " We first learned about it when we lived in Austin , and celebrated our own saints there every year . . . and have done so - privately in our home - ever since . We have a few little decorations that we put out . One thing people like to do is to " try to lure " the deceased person 's spirit back by leaving out things that the person loved - like chocolate , cookies , or tequila ! They use lots of flowers - mostly marigolds - and it 's a festive occasion , not a sad one . So , at St . Luke 's last Sunday , we set up a space and people brought in photos and mementos of their precious saints . We , of course , took a picture of Katie and of bowl of " Runts " candy . When she was little , she would only fall asleep in her old car seat , in her bedroom , on the floor . And she had to have a bowl of Runts in her lap , otherwise she would not go to sleep ! Call it crazy , but it worked . Long story . . . later . Others brought chocolate . . . someone even set a Dunkin ' Donuts coffee cup next to the picture of their saint ! During this particular service , we also read aloud the names of people who are " saints " to members of our congregation . It was very touching , especially to recognize so many of them . After these names were read , people were given time to recite even more names of departed who were not on the lists . I was kneeling next to Jonathan during this part of the service . This child of ours - who fifteen minutes before had been the bane of our existence , knelt there are prayed - out loud - for " those who lost their lives on 9 / 11 . . . for all the astronauts who have died in service to our country . . . for all the firemen who died in the Cold Storage fire . . . for victims of the earthquake in Haiti . . . and he went on and on . It was so touching to me . I just started weeping ! Where did all that come from ? How could this child become so centered and prayerful , while I was just seething at him a few minutes ago ? Then it occurred to me that God was present , and Jonathan had been tapped on the shoulder and encouraged to go with his heart . Why not me ? Probably because I wasn 't paying attention . Well , let me tell you , after that I did start paying attention and things turned around for me . That church was filled with something tonight , and it wasn 't incense ! It was the love of God , sitting among us , tapping us each on the shoulder as a reminder of how much we are loved and valued and precious to God . Each of us ! All the time ! How cool is that ? Before I begin , let me just say one thing . When I lived in Texas , I learned that you can say anything about anybody , no matter what it is , as long as you finish it with " Bless his / her heart . " Remember this for later . This afternoon was interesting . I came home from work , having gotten the church newsletter finished just under the gun - as usual - ugh . What I wanted to do was come home and finish a little bit of creativity I 'd started this morning . And I did . At least , I WAS working on it . I heard the dog barking , so went out on the deck to see what was up . While out there , I heard the leaf blower of our " behind the church " neighbors going . That 's not unusual , as they are out there almost every day blowing leaves . But today was different . I know his name is Al because he used to own a flower shop called Flor - Al 's . And one night at the Worcester Art Museum , I saw him there . Everyone was calling him Al . I heard him before I saw him ; if he hadn 't been making such efforts to be heard I probably wouldn 't have given him a second thought . But the instant I saw him there , I knew it was my neighbor . It was very interesting to watch him - glad handing everyone and telling them how wonderful life is " now that I 've sold the business and am teaching Spanish at St . John 's ! " I could not take my eyes off of this man . He was really having fun - and he wasn 't even the star of the show ! Part of me wanted to introduce myself to him , but after much thought on the matter , I decided it would be more fun to know so much about him with him not knowing me . Anyway , this afternoon Al was out blowing leaves . . . again . Today he was working on their front lawn . What I noticed was that he was blowing all the leaves from their front lawn , across their driveway , and onto the church property - way past their driveway , so as to prevent them from blowing back onto their lawn . I watched in amazement for a bit , then went and walked over to where he could see me . He seemed surprised that I was standing there . I didn 't know what to do , but was glad he had seen me watching . But it didn 't stop him ! Which made me madder . . . A few minutes later , I went back out . Without getting too close , I said to him ( over the roar of the blower ) , " Would you mind not blowing the leaves onto the church lawn ? " Without skipping a beat , he said to me , " These are YOUR leaves ! " I started to reply , and he said , " These aren 't MY leaves , they 're YOURS ! " Baffled , I muttered something under my breath that might have included the word " pig " but not so loud he could hear it . I came back home , dumbfounded . Shaking . Angry . Crazy with the difference between right and wrong . So , our neighbor is a jerk . I 'm not going to get into a pissing contest with a skunk , but I 'd sure love to mail a box full of leaves to him ! It saddens me to know that this man - who has never even tried to be neighborly with us - is such a jerk . It 's his stuff , not mine . He 's probably been blowing those leaves back onto the church lawn for years and never " been caught " before . Maybe our little interaction this afternoon will make him re - think his actions . I 'm guessing not , and am still pretty upset about it , but like I said , I 'm not going to start something I can 't finish . In reply I would like to say to my neighbor , FLOR - AL , that even though you are a jerk , I know that God loves you at least as much as God loves me . And that 's really what baffles me . It just doesn 't make sense . It just doesn 't seem fair . Tonight in my dreams , I 'll go outside and quietly rake all those leaves back onto your front lawn . I 'll get up early and watch the look on your face when you realize what 's happened . I 'll laugh , knowing that you have been bitten with your own poison . And then I 'll wake up and realize it was a dream and think , " Oh , well . It could have been fun . Bless his heart . " I just got off the phone with my brother , Jamie . He and his family ( wife and 14 - year - old daughter ) live in Urbana , IL . I 'd heard about the terrible weather there , so just called to check on them . It 's been months since I spoke to Jamie . I am eight years older than Jamie . He and his younger brother , David , are " Irish Twins " - meaning , they are only 15 months apart in age . What a pair they were ! And cute ? Well , don 't even get me started . . . except to say that my sister and I used to love to dress them up as little girls and put them in the wagon and walk them around the neighborhood ! Thank goodness , they don 't remember that . But they were both so precious . Jamie had dimples - BIG dimples - as a baby . He still has them , but you can only see them if he shaves . One of my favorite pictures of Jamie is one that my dad took of him . It 's a profile shot , with Jamie holding one one of my dad 's ( unlit ) cigars in his mouth . Precious . Jamie and David used to play " Mary Poppins . " Jamie was always Burt , in his blue and black striped sweater and a little cap . David was always Mary Poppins , wearing a straw hat with fake flowers on it . For years , those two played Mary Poppins . They would probably die if they were reading this . . . but , maybe they would laugh . They were so much fun ! When my mom got diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer three years ago ( almost to the day ) , Jamie and I both flew to Denver to be with her for a few days . We sort of re - connected then . I can 't explain it , but I think we both felt a renewed fondness for each other after years of disconnection . When mom became terminal , just after Thanksgiving , Jamie and I arrived in Denver again . He had brought his family , but Mary Beth and Mimi went back home and Jamie stayed . I arrived with Warren and Jonathan , and they both left together , leaving me behind . Jamie and I and Amy ( baby sister ) pretty much spent the next several days taking care of mom 24 / 7 . It was a really difficult time , but we had so much fun ! I felt a renewed spiritual connection with Jamie . And Amy , of course , just added to the whole wonderfulness of it all . The morning that mom died , Jamie woke me ( I was on the couch just outside her room ) and said , " Mom 's making some different sounds . You might want to come and see what 's going on . " Immediately upon walking into the room I said , " Go wake up Dad and get him down here . " Less than an hour later , Mom died . I 'm so thankful that my dad was there next to her , holding her hand , when she died . When it " was all over " Amy lay down on the bed next to mom for a long time . We called the rest of the family , and as folks began to trickle in , the sun started to rise . And rise it did ! It took several hours for our Hospice nurse to come - we wouldn 't have anyone but her there . We all stood around the bed while she did her " last testing " of mom 's frail body . She was dead ! I took mom 's wedding rings off her finger and gave them to my dad . A few minutes later , the guys from the mortuary arrived . They asked us to all pay our last respects - to take our time . Then they did what they had to do - behind a closed door - and brought mom out on a stretcher , her face still uncovered and available to us for one last brush of her hair and a kiss on her cheek . It was tearful ; it was joyful . She was no longer meant for this world , and we knew that . We all stood outside and watched as the mortuary guys put her into the van . The sunrise was incredible ! After the van drove away , we all stood and watched this incredible expression of God 's love that seemed , to us , as some sort of a message that our mom / wife / friend was destined for a place much more beautiful than we could ever imagine . There wasn 't much " shock " regarding mom 's death . We all knew it was coming . We went into preparation mode ( but had actually been preparing for it for weeks ) . Once we were all together , we started having more and more fun . Incredibly , our mother 's death brought her children closer together than I believe they had ever been before . A room full of adults who grew up together , laughing and crying and playing music and teasing each other - mom would have loved being in that room . . . every night ! . . . I know my Dad loved sitting there watching us ! When I flew back to Worcester after Mom 's funeral I was sad to leave my family , but mostly sad to say goodbye to Jamie . We had had such a wonderful time together ! I didn 't want to lose that . Sadly , we did lose that . Tonight was the first time in three years that I feel like he was interested in hearing about me and my life and my family . And we laughed ! Oh , we laughed so much . About silly stuff , about serious stuff . About dad , about family , about our jobs . We laughed . I feel so renewed and so refreshed by that telephone conversation ! Should I thank God for the horrible storm in Chicago yesterday , which encouraged me to call Jamie and see if they were okay ? Alright , I will ! Thank you God ! Thank you for giving me the incentive to call and say " I 'm thinking about you . How are you ? " And the rest of the conversation - history now - will remain in my heart . Little brother Jamie with the dimples who loved to play Burt and who grew up to be so smart and have a beautiful family - I LOVE YOU ! Thank you for giving me YOU tonight . I will sleep well , with you in my heart . Last night I stayed up until after 1 a . m . , working on the background for the current Journey of Journals journal ( DJ 's ) I have through CCS . Being Sunday morning when I went to bed , waking up " later that morning " really hit me hard ! I 'm not kidding you - at church , during the Prayers of the People , Jonathan poked me and said , " Mom ! Are you sleeping ? " I was . So , after church I came home and lay on the couch for an hour and felt much better . I 'm feeling so alive with my creativity right now , and it couldn 't come at a better time . There are some real - life issues which are really troubling me right now . . . I won 't go into details because they have nothing to do with what I 'm talking about now . But they are at the forefront of my mind . Working on DJ 's journal has helped those " forefront thoughts " become less and less vivid , and I 'm finding myself relaxing about all of it . When it 's the right time , I 'll blog about it . But it 's not the right time . Trust me . Life throws us curve balls when we expect sliders , I guess . Right now , I 'm up to bat and hoping for a home run . If all I get is a single to first base , I 'll be happy . . . it 's not about scoring , it 's about playing the game . Yesterday after work I watched a video - part of a free online course I happened across - and spent over an hour watching this woman teach people how to draw a face . Amazing stuff . The whole time I was watching , all I could think was , " I cannot do this ! " While I don 't consider myself to be " an artist " I do love the artistic process . I love getting my hands dirty with paint and making backgrounds and thinking of words to write in my art journals . This creative outlet is so good for me ! Last night I was so tired . Part of me wanted to do something " fun " before I went to bed , but nothing was feeling interesting . But I knew I 'd sleep better if I just did one little thing . So , I decided to try to draw a face . It was interesting to use the instructor 's guidelines and really see something take form . . . not anything outstanding , mind you , but it was a face ! Then I grabbed some paints and the more it went along , the more excited I became . I was drawing a face - that looked like a face ! Here is the result of that last - minute - before - bed artistic expression . I call her " First Face " and this morning , I 've been holding her in different light and looking at her in many different ways . She 's not perfect ( like me ) , and she 's somewhat mysterious ( like me ! ) , but she 's looking right through me at something I can 't name right now . She can 't be recreated ( nor can I . . . or can I ? ) . She is who she is , and she 's good enough for me ( like me ! ) . A friend from my online artsy - fartsy group happened to mention " vessels " and how she is doing a series of items using old cigar boxes , jewelry boxes , etc . to make a series of dioramas . While she had me at the word " vessel " her comment also reminded me of my Nicho - my " Little Altar " which hadn 't been given a thought in a long time . It 's displayed very proudly on the shelf in our living room , but who looks at what 's on their shelves after awhile ? It was this course that got my heart burning for my artistic self to shine through . I can remember it like it was yesterday , rushing home to begin my assignment and forgetting about all time and space while doing so . I even forgot ( sometimes ) that we were living in Austin ! Anyway , one night we were all told to choose from a selection of cigar boxes which had been provided . I chose a wooden one with a little clasp . It still smelled good ( yes , like cigars ) and I liked the feel of it when it was closed . We were then told about Nichos , and were assigned the project of making our own . My Nicho is painted purple . I intentionally did not cover the outside with gesso because I did not want to lose " what it was " so the name of the cigar company still shows through on the box . For the inside , I painted a little random color on some paper . I glued little colored beads all around the inside edges ( some have fallen out , I see . . . ) . On the left side , I cut two images out of Christmas cards . The gold image is of the Holy Family following the Star . But it reminded me of us - Warren , Jonathan and I - following OUR star by following our hearts and leaving our home in Denver to move to Austin and then to . . . who knew ? This image gave me much peace of mind , allowing my insecurities to be real , but also comforting my " unknowns . " On the right side , you see two silver posts . These are just wooden objects that I painted , but are placed there as an opening - a gate , if you will - inviting us in to share ourselves with others . The little icon was a gift which seemed appropriate there as it again symbolizes us - our family . ( Not that we are " Holy " just that we are " Family ! " ) The little colored discs to the left represent problems and worries . Everyone has different concerns for themselves and for others . Some are bigger than others . The colors represent the myriad of things that people pray for and worry about . The little red watering can is " me " - the vessel - the one who sometimes needs to be poured out , but often needs to be filled up . Sometimes my vessel leaks , at which time I need to figure out where the leak is and have it repaired . Other times , my vessel becomes cracked . This is not always a bad thing ! When it 's a " good " crack , I 'm flowing with being in a good reference point in my life journey . . . I 'm being creative , my family is well , and my worries are more trivial . However , when my " crack " is a bad one , what flows out of me is like bad water and nobody wants to drink it , not even me ! This is the time that I need to not find a " quick fix " but take a serious look at just what is behind this flaw and why it has become such a prominent part of who I am at that moment . Some days are better than others . . . I guess I 'm only human ! There is one more part to my Nicho , which is barely visible ( oh , my ! ) in the photo . It 's a little brass angel hanging from a chain at the top right . It 's Katie 's presence in my / our lives - sometimes she moves with the breeze , other times she is steady . Same as us . Some days , she 's more visible to me than others . You might say , " That 's normal after 13 years " but I 'm here to tell you that there is nothing normal in missing your child the way we miss Katie . I do love my Nicho so much ! Writing about it right now feels like writing about it eight years ago when I first made it . Some things leave a mark on your heart in a way you can never forget what it 's there for . Posted by This week has been especially fulfilling for me . I 've had lots of time to spend working in my art journals , which gives me great pleasure . . . and probably makes me an easier person to live with ! Here is some of what I 've been doing with my art journals : Later in the day , after getting a consensus from " the boys " I made meat loaf , roasted potatoes and roasted Brussels Sprouts for dinner . Every plate was clean . Warren ( my chef - turned - priest husband ) said it was the best meat loaf he had ever tasted ! I thought it looked like more of a Meat Blob , but it was tasty ! The sunset this evening was exquisite ! The clouds were challenging the sun to see which could get out of the area the fastest . The colors took my breath away ! Tomorrow is Sunday . . . back to " the routine . " At least the high winds are dissipating and the temps are rising . Perhaps tomorrow will bring a drive to look at the beautiful foliage - - and some photos ! It 's been an emotional day . I just feel so far away from my sister , who had some major surgery this morning . She came through fine . I 'm still worried ! Amy 's like a daughter to me . So I cried at work this morning " because nobody here knows me or cares about me . " Then , after I got home , I got an unexpected email of love and support and prayers and cried " because somebody cares about me ! " This afternoon I practiced blowing bubbles again . A lady honked and waved when she drove by , proof that you CAN give someone an extra smile in her day . . . a little free gift . It made me so happy , I kept blowing bubbles for ten more minutes ! I 'm part of an online group of eclectic folks who love art , writing , poetry , photography , and just plain thinking . During September , many of us took part in a challenge to " do something creative " every day . My endeavors spread the gamut - I wrote ( check out http : / / www . 750words . com ) , I cooked , I worked in my art journal , and I took pictures of my world . " When I read your " intro " to this discussion the word " chuffed " caught my eye . Had not ever heard that word before , until Abi 's blog about Ramazan . Once she explained it to me , I wondered how I 'd missed that word ! Do I feel " chuffed " about the last 50 days of creating ? No . But I 'm inspired because in everything that 's been encountered , with this " accomplishment " in mind , things are seen differently . Things like the sound of my wind chimes on my porch . That 's something that can 't be shared , but it inspires me to look more closely and pay attention to just what 's behind the sound . The wind may be too strong for my liking , but at the same time , it 's creating music for my soul . 96 + hours of rain . . . makes me feel dreadful , but it reminds me to think about the earth and the dirt and the roots of the trees and the plants , and how much it means to them . That 's another sound that can 't be shared . But it 's a feeling that we all know . . . like our souls being fed . . . with something that we 'll crave once the season changes . " If I had the time , I 'd love to sit on my porch and just blow bubbles . Heck , I 'd stand out on the street and blow bubbles at the cars whizzing by . Doing so would make me happy , and hopefully would give the drivers of those speeding bullets a moment of a smile . . . something to take with them . . . something unexpected , like a gift they had no idea was coming . My outlook is changing , but so is my inlook , if you will . That 's where I need to focus , personally , because some days are harder than others ( duh ! ) but my goal is to make every day worth remembering . " Today , I went to the store to buy a big bottle of bubbles . Can you believe they call that a " seasonal " product ? Much to my dismay ! Tomorrow , I will try again . The thought of standing in front of my house during afternoon rush hour , blowing bubbles , and helping just one person gift him / herself with an extra smile makes me very excited . I 'm thinking about getting other people who live on the street to join me - maybe one afternoon a week - and see how many extra smiles we can gift people with , just from blowing bubbles . I started planting marigolds in my garden back in 1995 . My garden was so beautiful ; I would spend hours out there every day - deadheading marigolds and petunias , pulling weeds , watering . I was so very proud of my garden . In early Spring of 1996 , we brought our son Jonathan home . He was ten months old . We were already the parents of Katie , a special needs child whom we had adopted at the age of 3 1 / 2 months . Our life was full . But bringing Jonathan home sort of " wrapped everything up " for us . We felt complete . Katie and Jonathan loved each other so much , and it was fun being their parents . Katie was progressing well in school - learning to talk better , eating ( sometimes ) , and learning how to be in relationship with people . She was definitely bonded to us . We were so happy . On Mother 's Day , 1996 , we brought Jonathan home " for good . " He and Katie sat in a chair in our living room and let us take their picture . The really loved each other , from the first moment they met . They shared a room and toys and a swing set . Not much got between either one of them . They were great , being brother and sister by adoption . We , as parents , were even better . When Katie was in second grade , she got in the habit of picking a few marigolds from my garden to take to her teacher every day . I never discouraged her ; what could it hurt ? Every morning , until the frost killed them , she would walk out the door and pick some flowers on her way to catch the bus . I never talked to her teacher about it , but part of me knew that her teacher must love this daily offering . This same school year , on February 16 , 1998 , Katie died . It was a holiday - Martin Luther King , Jr . Day . Katie had been sick with a cold , but nothing we thought was too serious . We had been in touch with her doctor . They didn 't even want us to bring her to the clinic because of all the respiratory viruses going around . So we just took care of her the best we knew how . The night before she died , I fed her warm , liquid jell - o because she liked it . The next morning , she asked me to come and lie down with her . I took her to her bed and said , " I 'll be right back . Let me put on a Barney video for Jonathan . " So I did . In the few minutes that it took me to do that , Katie died . When I went into her room , she was unresponsive . I immediately called 911 and started mouth - to - mouth , only to hear bubbling sounds come from her lungs . The fire department was there in less than two minutes . Everything they tried was to no avail . Paramedics showed up a few minutes later . Nothing was working . " What is happening ? " I kept wondering . Jonathan crawled up the stairs after hearing the footsteps from above . I picked him up and held him . As it turns out , he didn 't miss a thing . . . this 2 1 / 2 year old boy remembers almost every moment of that morning . I called Warren to tell him to come home . He did . The paramedics took Katie in the ambulance ; Warren rode with her . Somebody gave me a ride to the hospital . By the time I got there , the chaplain was waiting for me . I knew , riding to the hospital , that my little girl was not going to make it . By some miracle , we were able to contact our family members . . . except for my and Warren 's parents . My parents were in Illinois visiting my brother ; Warren 's parents were in Africa working at an orphanage . But those of us who were nearby gathered together and held hands and prayed in the ER room where Katie lay . Warren and I cut some of her hair , as keepsakes . What does this have to do with marigolds , you might ask ? Well , the next day when word began to spread about Katie 's death , her teacher called me . " Mrs . Hicks , I have called every florist I can find in every part of the United States and nobody has any marigolds ! " She was beside herself , needing to give marigolds back to me as an expression of her love for Katie . And that 's all I 'm going to say tonight . If you read this , God bless you . . . and thank you . Now you know me , for what it 's worth . Last weekend , I attended a Silent Retreat at St . Margaret 's Convent in Roxbury , MA which is a suburb of Boston . It 's a beautiful place ! The sisters are so welcoming and smiling all the time . The chapel is beautiful , with so much natural light shining in from the clear and stained glass windows . I went to chapel a lot , except I did not attend Morning Prayer at 6 : 00 a . m . on Sunday ! There are very few things I do at 6 : 00 a . m . , and I decided the night before that Morning Prayer is one of them ! No guilt . Our silence began Friday night , after supper . It was a wonderful meal of baked salmon , baked cod , lovely vegetables and fresh salad bar . I did not have dessert , so don 't remember what that was . Anyway , as it turns out , I sat at a table with a husband / wife couple and another woman for dinner . We were exchanging pleasantries when the gentleman " started in on me . " For starters : " I saw your husband at the polling place last Tuesday but didn 't have a chance to speak with him . How 's he doing from his surgeries ? Is his hip and knee behaving ? Is he getting back to normal ? " I looked at him , wondering " Who are you ? " Then I asked , " My husband being who ? " He looked at me rather quizzically and asked , " Aren 't you from St . Luke 's ? " I replied that yes , I was , but my husband did not have hip surgery . I went on to explain that he had had both knee and intestinal surgery . " Oh ! " he exclaimed . " Well , how 's he doing now ? " I said that my husband was doing fine . ( He still had not referred to either one of us by name . ) I 'm beginning to wonder if this guy really does " know " me . . . " No , he just filled out the application and was accepted . He would have been thrilled to go to Doherty High , but was ecstatic to be accepted at Tech . " At this point , his wife - who had been eavesdropping during her conversation with the other woman at our table - chimed in . " I heard you say your son is a student at Worcester Tech ! How old did you say he was ? " I said that , yes , we were pretty thrilled and excited for him . Then she asked me what areas of study he was looking at . " Oh , he 's interested in Veterinary Asst . , Culinary , Allied Health . . . but he 's going to be exploring all of those things . " And then , her face sort of fell . And then , it hit me . " Did you think I was talking about Worcester Polytechnic Institute ? " I asked . She admitted that , yes , that was the case . And then , she slapped the side of my arm and said , " If you were FROM here , you 'd know that WPI was always called Worcester Tech and that Worcester Tech was previously known as Worcester Voc . " Swallow or spit food at him ? Hold my fork or stab him with it ? Laugh with my mouth full or be the submissive Rector 's wife he wants me to be ? For some stupid reason , I became the latter and told him about my two part - time jobs . Part of me felt like he 'd stripped me of my garments in front of the whole room . Part of me felt like he was one of the rudest people I 've ever " not met ! " Part of me wanted to just get up and walk away and maybe pass gas as I did . But I didn 't . I was polite . I was me , being the nice girl . All I know is , if and when I encounter this ungentleman again , I will think long and hard before answering his questions . I will probably come up with outlandish replies to them , which I 'm sure will get repeated and will come back to haunt me . But at least I 'll have had the satisfaction of " not being nice " in a nice sort of way . The joke really is on him , not me . Good grief ! Would you look at the time ? I 've been here way too long , and have some serious Rectory maintenance to tend to ! Must go and get things done so I can rise early and do my 6 : 00 a . m . Morning Prayers . I 'm really frustrated with my family right now . There have been " things " going on which ( I think ) require the attention of everyone called family . When Michael 's accident first occurred , I was bombarded with text messages and phone calls updating me on his status . This is good ! Once Michael 's surgery was completed , my phone and my computer became . . . in family terms . . . silent . I 've been waiting for over a week to hear an update on Michael 's status . The most recent update I had was from my sister Julie - who is in upstate New York - that he is home . Why did Julie know this ? Because Julie is on facebook . I 'm not even sure she 's spoken to Amy since Michael 's accident . Well , I 'm not on facebook and don 't intend to be . The fact that I am being left out on updates regarding Michael 's progress offends me greatly . Tonight , I sat on my porch and really did wait for my phone to ring . It didn 't . I sent a text to : Amy , David , and Luana . Nobody responded . I 'm sorry I 'm not there with them in Colorado ! There 's no place I 'd rather be - - and I say that with my whole heart and my entire being . I miss my family . Do any of those people I call " family " have any idea how hard it is to live so far away from your " entire " family ? Especially with something " important " going on . . . I want to be there to help ! I want to be there to take Amy out for coffee or out for a beer . But I can 't . I 'm in fucking Massachusetts . . . fucking Worcester ! What the heck am I supposed to do ? Why won 't anybody be in touch with me ? When mom died , it was such a wonderful experience for me . Yes , it was sad , and tragic . But Jamie , Amy , Mark , David , Julie and I were together . Almost 24 / 7 , we were there . We re - created the bond that had started 25 years ago . It was beautiful . It was fun . It made me a new person , because I felt like I had a new family . . . horrible as the whole experience was . Now ? Not so much . I miss my family . I don 't want to go to bed angry with them . But my phone 's not ringing , and nobody is texting me , so I guess I 'll just go to bed mad . Do I think they 'll call tomorrow ? Maybe . Maybe I won 't feel like talking . Maybe I 'll still be mad . Do I like this ? NO ! I 'm feeling very frustrated . And I 'm still waiting for my birthday card from my dad . . . two weeks overdue ! . . . that he told me a week ago was in the mail . NOT ! Thanks , Dad . This is a first . Mom would be so very embarrassed . I miss Mom so much . Yup , it 's about Mom . It 's not about the dysFUNctional family . It 's about Mom . We 're lost without her . God bless you , Patricia Jewel Johnson Hutchinson ! You were here earlier , running your fingers through my new haircut , loving it . Thanks for that special moment ! As for the " rest of the family " - BIG RASPBERRIES to you . Have fun , whatever you 're doing . Please don 't bother to take the time to try to remember me in any of your family activities . . . . The light is changing , oh so rapidly ! Every night , the sun sets a little earlier . It 's not light at 8 : 00 any more , hardly even at 7 : 00 . I 'll miss the light , especially after the dreaded time change , ugh . . . . . . The evenings are cooling times , of a sort . Today was pretty hot , so this evening was " warm " but not unbearable in comparison to the rest of the summer . I do welcome the cool evenings . . . . . . Worcester Public Schools begin tomorrow . Buses will be filling the streets in the mornings and afternoons . Our son will take his first bus ride to high school tomorrow , catching his bus at 6 : 45 a . m . Whew ! I will walk with him to the bus stop tomorrow , but just this once , just because I 'm the mom and I need to . . . . . . the Fall colors will soon be upon us , bringing with them the Fall coolness and the beautifully lit days . I love the Fall in New England ! I know that the snow will not begin to fly until November / December . The rains will precede the snow , but we 'll just stay dry and warm and light a fire in the fireplace . . . Sometimes I think Summer is more of a " dormant " season than an " alive " season . Sometimes I think there is more to learn living through a Summer or a Winter , than through a Spring or a Fall . There are so many underlying changes going on in Summer and Winter - things we never even think about . Spring and Fall are almost the " vulnerable " seasons , where nature exposes her strengths and weaknesses in such beautiful , indescribable ways that we take more delight in them than sorrow that nature has no privacy . Sometimes , I go through seasons in my life where I 'm more vulnerable and " exposed " than I am growing and mysteriously changing . Which is better for me ? I don 't know the answer to that . Now that I 've asked it , I 'll probably pay attention . Life is strange , and beautiful . Life is complicated , and simple . Life is nothing , and creative . Life is life . Nature is nature . This picture reminds me of rest and relaxation . . . just what feet need . It occurred to me that our feet need R & R as much as our minds do - perhaps more . When I think about all the work and abuse our feet go through in a day , a month , a year - if I was a foot , I 'd have taken early retirement long ago ! This does not go without saying that my feet bother me , almost constantly . One foot has severe mid - foot arthritis from a bad sprain in a car accident 25 years ago . The other one is ( finally ) suffering from a sprained arch which occurred during my walking - to - high - school days . . . wearing heels , usually . Go figure . Time does take a toll on us ! But I love my feet . And I love to " dress them up " either by beautiful shoes , or with a pedicure . I 've only had one pedicure this year , as it took me forever to get my feet looking good enough to " expose " them to anyone publicly who would have to treat them with care . After that pedicure , however , I felt new and pretty . It was a good thing ! As the pedicure begins to show its wear , and the weather gets cooler , I 'm confronted with what shoes to wear . I have way too many shoes in my closet , and the ones I do wear on a regular basis do not begin to outnumber the pairs left in my closet . Kind of sad , isn 't it ? There 's nothing worse than shoes nobody wears , if you ask me ! The other day I pulled out a pair of sandals that had not been worn in a couple of years . My hammer toe was giving me fits , so comfort was of utmost importance . As soon as I put these shoes on , I knew that I 'd been missing out on something good for too long . They held my feet lovingly all day , and now I want to wear them every day . Criss Cross 08 / 26 / 2010 There 's another pair of sandals that give me good comfort , too . I know I 've had them for several years , but don 't remember where I purchased them . . . wish I did , because I 'd buy them in every color ! The main reason I like them is because they give me a sense of " support " while allowing room for exposure . They are great ! Faves ! July , 2010 Although they aren 't sandals , there is another pair of shoes which gives me great comfort . They are actually men 's shoes , which I bought at great discount late last summer . I wore them until the snow began to fly ( they have holes in the sides of them ) . When summer and vacation rolled around this year , out they came . I think I wore them more than any other shoes this summer ! So . . . do you have favorite shoes ? Do you hate shoes ? Do you love shoes ? Let 's talk about feet and caring for them , and how they take us from place to place . If you were one of your feet , what would you tell yourself ? It 's been seven days since we pulled into the driveway last Monday , after almost two weeks away . . . relaxing , reading , soaking up the sun . At first , the " re - entry " was fairly easy . Then , all of a sudden , life began to happen . Our son , who was an absolute delight and banner child on vacation , disappointed us greatly with his bad choice one afternoon when he was left alone . It wasn 't life threatening , and it didn 't hurt anyone . Nonetheless , it made us question our trust . . . My sister was supposed to come visit for the weekend , to celebrate my birthday with me . The morning she was to drive out , she called to say she was sick and couldn 't come . . . Part of us was happy about that , because we can 't afford to be sick right now . But to me , it would have been nice to have somebody here for my birthday . I love my birthday . . . . . . Warren had to go to Springfield on Friday for a meeting . He called in the morning to see if we wanted to go see the Worcester Tornadoes play that night . " Sure ! Great idea ! " So , we went to the game ( which they won in the bottom of the 8th ) and saw the Friday Night Fireworks that went along with our ticket . Great show ! ! . . . . . . while we were there , Warren got a text from our friends ' daughter , Laynie , that she had committed to Holy Cross College ( in Worcester ) for Volleyball in the fall of 2011 . We were so excited to hear that news ! We started figuring out how we could get tickets and re - learn how to score volleyball before she got here . . . . . . Saturday , my birthday arrived . There was a card from my brother and one from a parishioner in the mail . My mother - in - law had sent a package earlier in the week , which I was saving . Warren was doing the funeral Saturday morning , and Jonathan had decided to caddy , so I spent the morning quietly by myself . There 's nothing like reading the Telegram & Gazette , drinking coffee , and eating little slices of hard salami to make a person happy ! I was having a great day . . . . . . Jonathan called for a ride home . We stopped by the Anniversary Open House at Tatnuck Pet Store on the way back . I had a free hot dog ; Jonathan had some popcorn . We picked up free samples of dog food , and talked to the guy about what kind of fish Jonathan should consider to live with his shark in his tank . . . . . . Warren was home when we got back . He and Jonathan went off " to do some monkey business . " I had a 3 p . m . manicure . . . . . . Michael had been broadsided at a big intersection on the west side of Denver , near where they live in Golden . Someone ran a red light and T - Boned him . Their 10 - year - old son , Tony , was in the back seat ( thankfully on the passenger side of the car ) and seemed to be okay , but was taken by ambulence to the hospital with his dad . . . . . . by the time Amy got a call and figured out where the accident was and arrived there , Michael and Tony had already been transported . The police asked her to stay and give them information regarding insurance , etc . She still did not know if Tony had been hurt , and did not know the extent of Michael 's injuries . She was frantic , to say the least . When she left , she headed for St . Anthony Hospital - not too far away - and rushed into the ER . . . . . This is a brand new facility , and apparently they aren 't even open for patients yet . She found out that her loved ones were at the St . A 's Central , several miles to the east . As she was rushing out of the ER there , the security guard stopped her and said , " I need you to calm down . It wouldn 't be good for you to be in an accident on your way to Central , would it ? " Poor Amy ! She didn 't know what to do but get in her car and drive . . . . . . She arrived at St . A 's Central and rushed into Tony 's room in the ER . When he saw her , they both started crying . ( This is the part I can really relate to . . . and cry about . . . ) She was so happy to see him , to see him whole and acknowledging her and wanting her to love him . . . . . . Michael was in a nearby room . The diagnosis is a broken pelvis , which will require surgery ( now scheduled for 8 / 24 ) . After surgery , he will require at least 8 weeks of non - weight - bearing on his hip , which pretty much means he can 't even begin rehab until at least eight weeks after his surgery is completed . It 's going to be a long road . . . . . . Sunday was sort of the real " back to work " day for Warren , what with having to preach and all . It 's really draining , sometimes even for me . I can 't explain it . Being a Rector 's wife is interesting . Yes , it 's interesting . . . . . . Sunday afternoon we were all so tired ! We sat around , and then Warren and Jonathan went upstairs to watch a movie . I came in towards the end , right during the really stressful part . When it was over , we were all exhausted . . . . . . Warren fixed another awesome meal . We had downloaded " Date Night " to our NetFlix and decided to spend the evening watching that . I almost immediately fell asleep after it began ! By the time it was over , I had " napped " and could not get to sleep for the life of me . So I sat up and played Hearts on my computer for a couple of hours . . . . . . This morning , we all went out to breakfast to the Miss Worcester Diner , a . k . a . Miss Woo . What a great breakfast ! I won 't tell you what we had , but will say that we all got some exercise of some sort this afternoon , despite the rain . . . . . . I got cabin fever after being inside for almost two days due to the rain , so took myself out of the house and went bumming . It was a good outing ! Picked up some things we needed , and a couple of things I 'll probably need sometime . . . . . . then the phone rang . Our friends from Austin are in such deep distress . Their daughter has made a really bad choice in behavior , which could ruin her chances for a college future with scholarships of any kind . Warren and I are heartbroken for them . . . . . . and exhausted from the week . Thank goodness we were refreshed when it began , otherwise we 'd be unable to function . This week has made me realize how important it is for people to get away from the day - to - day and really take time to relax and not feel pressure from outside sources . We felt like that 's what we did on our vacation . Thank goodness we did . . . Vacation thoughts and some sharing . . . We left Worcester and headed for Glens Falls , NY . . . well , Fourth Lake , to be totally correct ( you 'll have an easier time finding Glens Falls on a map ) . We spent two nights with Julie and Steve at " High and Dry " and it was a great time . Julie and Jonathan had fun in the lake on Wednesday afternoon while Steve took a nap ( on the beach . . . in his chair ) , Warren read a book , and Mary just did some serious people watching . We had two glorious lunches and dinners with them . Jonathan , Julie , and I spent lots of time on that wonderful screened - in porch they have . Skip was pretty well - behaved . Once we figured out he was troubled by the squirrel - with - the - prickly - tail statue , and we moved it , he calmed down considerably in his crate on the porch . Thursday morning we headed out to Maine . The rain caught up with us as we entered New Hampshire and crossed Vermont , and it was sort of a drizzly / foggy drive . But so beautiful ! We saw mountains - - bigger than we knew existed in this part of the country . It was great to drive through the towns and feel like we were in Colorado , as many of them have more winter tourist business than they have summer tourist business . So many new , wonderful sights . When we finally pulled in to Searsport Shores Ocean Campground in Searsport , Maine we were engulfed in fog . Setting up camp was fast and furious , but it felt so good to be there that we just kept working until we were done . It was after 8 : 30 when we finally finished , then we were off to find dinner . . . which turned out to be " Pizza Hut Italian Bistro " in Belfast . Who knew ? We all actually enjoyed our dinner and went back to camp ready for a good night 's sleep . It had been a long day . Friday morning greeted us with bright sunshine and a beautiful low tide . Warren and I set up our chairs , and the hammock , and began our job of " unwinding " - - which took a couple of days to actually accomplish . Jonathan was off on his bike making new friends , meeting old friends , and becoming a helper of Steve , the campground ownPosted by |
We got there 15 minutes early . I will never do that again because Grace kept saying " I want to go play ! " Then once it was time for class they brought us out on the gym floor to call roll and explain what to do . By this time , Grace really wanted to go play . She wouldn 't sit still or listen . They had four different areas , and we spent a certain amount of time at each area . The first areas was two different bars , a set of ring , and a set of monkey bars . Grace did the rings perfectly . She would pull her knees up and swing just like the girl had demonstrated . She also did the higher bar really well . The girl even commented on how she loved how well Grace pulled her chin up and pointed her toes in preparation to flip over the bar . They didn 't demonstrate those things , but the girl said that 's exactly how they are supposed to do it . Grace is a natural ! She loved the monkey bars too because she 's used to those from the playground . They were supposed to push up on the shorted bar , but no one was ever at that bar to help her , so we just kind of skipped it for this week lol . Then , we moved to the second station , which did not go well because Grace didn 't understand why she couldn 't play on the bars anymore , and she didn 't want to sit still again when they were showing what to do . This area had a short rock climbing wall ( about 3 feet long ) that was at an angle , and once they climbed up , they could slide down the other side . There was a regular slide , then there were these things they called stepping stones . They were different colors , and the first one was really short , the next three gradually got taller , then the three after that started gradually getting shorter again . There was also a cartwheel mat . It was a blue mat with hand and foot prints on it to how to do a " cartwheel " ( it was more of put your hands down and jump to the side lol ) . She liked the rock wall the most . She also liked the step stones . She gave the cartwheel a try a couple of times , and every time she did it she had to have her hands and feet exactly wheAfter that , we moved to the next station , which involved more sitting and listening that Grace was not into . This station was mostly flipping and jumping , and there was a snake shaped colorful balance beam . She did really well with the flipping . She would put her hands down , tuck her head under , and roll . They had to help most of the other little girls do it . She was not much into it though because we were close to the in - floor tampoline , and she wanted to jump very badly . Finally , we got to go jump . They jumped off the trampoline and into the foam pit . She would jump in and then say , " Mommy . look at me ! " She LOVED this part , and unfortunately , she threw a fit when it was time to stop . However , she did sit attentively for the hand sanitizer . This girl has a love affair going with hand sanitizer lol . They also got a stamp and a sucker . Also , let me just point out that although it seems like Grace was a terrible child , she was not the worst child there . There was a boy and another little girl that were worse than her . They were actually the reason she was acting so terrible because their mom 's were letting them run wild , and she didn 't understand why she couldn 't do that as well . And most of the kids didn 't want to sit still and kept trying to run back to previous areas . I mean , it was a class of 10 2 - 3 year olds , so it was definitely chaotic , but fun none - the - less . I didn 't get pictures of her during class because of having to follow her so closely , but I will try to get some next week . Oh , and a cute story . Chris stayed home with Brentley , who was asleep when I left . Chris said he woke up , so they sat together on the floor , and after about a minute Brentley crawled to the hall , then to his room , then our of his room and into our room , then out of our room , back through the living room , and into the kitchen , then Chris says he started crying because he realized I wasn 't there : ( Bless his heart . He 's not used to me being gone since I 'm not in school right now . We have an awesome opportunity to potentially get a much nicer vehicle then what we have now . . . only problem is we have to come up with a good bit of money in just three months . I have no idea how we are going to do that . My car is worth a fraction of what this one is , so selling it wouldn 't help much , and we only have the one car , so we can 't sell it until we have another one . But we seriously cannot pass up this opportunity . There is something wrong with my car where it keeps trying to die right after you start driving . It wasn 't a big deal until yesterday . . . Chris had just gotten home , Grace was napping , it had just started raining , and Brentley and I were going to head to the store to grab some stuff we needed for dinner . We got to the stop sign at the end of our complex , and I didn 't realize my car was trying to die at first . I pushed the gas , and at first it didn 't go anywhere , then it caught , and jumped forward . When it jumped forward , my wheels didn 't get traction ( I guess because it had just started raining ) , so we slid across the lane we were supposed to be in and into the other lane with a car coming right at us . So , I turned the wheel in the other direction , then we kept hydroplaning back across the lane we were supposed to be in , and into a ditch . Once we hit grass I was able to get my car to stop ( thank goodness because about ten feet infront of where we stopped was a concrete driveway ) . Luckily it wasn 't a deep ditch , so it didn 't mess up my car , but I was scared . I couldn 't stop shaking because I was so rattled . At first I thought we were going to get hit head on , then I was afraid my car would flip when we hit the ditch . God was definitely with Brentley and me ! I know that is not completely my car 's fault , but if it hadn 't been trying to die , we wouldn 't have lunged forward like that , and I doubt we would have hydroplaned . Two days ago , my little man turned nine months old . It 's so bittersweet . I 've been working on his baby book , and looking at his baby pictures makes me want to cry . I 'm also ver glad that I have a happy , healthy , growing boy at the same time though . He weighs 25 lbs now , and he has been holding steady at that weight for over a month now . He 's in 12 mon . and 18 mon . clothes , size 5 shoes , and size 4 diapers . Not much change since he has started crawling except in height and shoe size . I 'm not sure how tall he is now , but I can tell he is getting taller . He is learning quickly . He can say mama , dada , and yay . He crawls fast and with ease . He stands on his own , and has great balance when standing . He can take steps . He 's taken plenty of steps now , but he only takes one or two before he falls , so he 's not really walking yet . He can clap and wave , as well . Oh , and he is starting to give those big , slobbery , open - mouthed kisses ! I love those ! Lol . He 's still pretty quiet and reserved . He 's content sitting with me , and if he does get down , I have to remain in view lol . He 's always happy as well . He smiles all the time . I 'm not ready for him to turn one , but I still have everything planned for it . I am going to start buying his cake stuff tomorrow . I 'm buying the cake pans so that I can practice getting the cake out perfectly . I 'm also buying cookie cutters that have letters and shapes in them , and some playdough , so that I can get a feel for how the shapes and letters are going to work , as well as practice making the bow that is going to go on top . I want his cake to be absolutely perfect , so I 'm going to need all the practice I can get . Also , planning ahead really does pay off . We are wanting to get Grace a child sized guitar for her birthday because she has been pretending everything is a guitar . Well , I went online just to see how much they are . . . found a Cinderella one that is normally $ 37 that is on sale for $ 15 ! I will be buying that tomorrow as well ! I know her birthday is five month away , but I 'm not passing up a sale for over 50 % off ! Yesterday , while we were at 1890 's Day , it occured to me that we had picked May 25th for our wedding date . . . Well , that is going to be the weekend that all the high school in the county graduate , the weekend of 1890 's Day , and the weekend of Memorial Day . Just like it is every year . It just didn 't occur to me until yesterday . So , should we change the date ? ? Grace 's favorite band is LMFAO , lol ! She loves both " I 'm Sexy and I Know It " and " Party Rock Anthem . " I know , I know . . . not the best songs for a two - year - old to be listening to , but she has no clue what the songs are actually talking about or mean . And she is just so darn cute when she dances and sings to them . Today , she woke up from her nap , looked at me , and said , " Party rock mommy ! . " I said , " What ? " and she jumped up and started running in a circle saying , " Party rock , party rock , party rock ! " It was too cute . She also loves to sing , " get up , get down , get up , get down " while she raises her hands up and down lol . And she loves to bump to the beat of " I 'm Sexy and I know It . " I have a video of it , but blogger won 't upload if ( of course ) , so I uploaded it to Youtube . You can check it out here if you 'd like : ) They live in the same apartment complex that we do , and the girl ( we 'll call her H ) said that we could come over anytime , and that her daughter loves Grace : ) The amazing thing . . . Chris actually does like her husband ! Blow me away , lol . Chris typically does not get along with guys , but him and this guy are like best buddies now lol . Chris has to work everyday this week , including Saturday and possibly Sunday . . . He has to leave at 6 : 30 am , and doesn 't get home until 5 or 6 : ( I 'm not used to him being gone in the mornings like that , or for that long everyday . So , I decided to try to set up a few playdates to keep us busy . We ended up setting up a playdate with one of my old friends . I used to play softball with her , but hadn 't talked to her in forever . I found her on facebook awhile back , and I knew that she had a baby , but still didn 't talk to her . Then , we ran into her at the park . Turns out her little boy isn 't even three weeks older than Brentley . We went to her house today . I thought it might be awkward since we hadn 't seen each other in forever , but it wasn 't . It was so nice to have someone who I can relate to about Brentley . I 've always had people who have kids close to Grace 's age , but this is the first person who I 've gotten to know with someone close to Brentley 's age . She also didn 't mind Grace being there , which is great because I know Grace can come off as a little wild sometimes . They all three played in a her son 's kiddie pool together , then they played in her living room for awhile . She even made us all lunch . Such a sweetie ! I met her husband . He apparently went to school with me and said we had classes together . I felt like such an idiot because I could not remember him for the life of me : ( He was nice though . Hopefully someone Chris will like him if we start hanging out with them more * fingers crossed ! * When we were leaving she said she would love to set up another playdate , so yay ! We 're going to hang out with Brittany and Sami tomorrow : ) And we 'll probably go over to H 's apartment sometime this week . On Saturday , we 're going to 1890 's Day ( a festival they hold in our town ) , and my cousin is coming and bringing her son . He 's 7 weeks old , and I haven 't gotten to meet him yet , so I 'm super excited about that ! Chris isn 't going to get to go with us though : ( And we 're going to have to get up super early to take him to work that day , so that I can have the car . His friend who works with him took him to work Mon . and yesterday , but his friend is off for the rest of the week , so if I want / need the car , then I have to take him to work . Otherwise , he has to take the car . I definitely do not want to get the kids up everyday at 6 am , so we 'll just be taking him on Saturday . Luckily , we can walk to Brittany 's and H 's apartment , so we won 't be completely stuck in the house for the rest of the week : ) Okay , I know I have talked about Chris and I picking a date on here before , but looking back on that now , that date was just not realistic for several reasons . Obviously , we did not get married in February . We just didn 't have enough time to plan or enough money . Now , we have gotten everyone on board , including my dad . I 'm not really sure if that is all good because Chris ' mom and my nana are both trying to take over . Chris ' mom has decided that we are going to do an exact replica of Bella 's wedding in Breaking Dawn . Make me gag . . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm a " Twihard . " I 'm just not THAT big of a Twilight fan . Plus , I have NEVER wanted an outdoor wedding . And my nana keeps finding things in her storage unit that she says we can use to decorate . All of it looks like it was pulled straight out of an 80 's romance movie . Definitely not my thing . I like subtle , modern , and indoors . I originally wanted a winter wedding , with a somewhat of a " winter wonderland " theme , but I started thinking about how many birthdays and holidays we have between August and February , and we decided we didn 't want to add another celebration in between those months . So , we narrowed the window to May or June . We looked at the dates , and decided on May 25th , so 5 / 25 / 13 . Set the date because that IS the day we will be getting married ! ! ! Pretty much exactly a year from now , I will be a Mrs . , and I will share the same last name as my children ! ! Saying that brings on all sorts of emotions . . . happiness and elation , and then fear . I am terrified that I will plan everything , buy everything , and then it won 't happen . I love Chris to death , and I can 't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else , and we talked about it the other day , and he said that he feels the same way , but it all just seems so surreal . I want it so badly that I am worried I 'll never get it . Either way , I have begun planning . Since I had a winter wedding planned , I have to go back to the drawing board . I started thinking of spring / summer colors . First , I stumbled upon yellow . I started toying with it , and decided that I really like either yellow lilies or yellow calla lilies . But I didn 't want just yellow and white for our wedding , but I couldn 't think of anything that really went with yellow . Like I said , I like subtle . I didn 't want lots of colors , and if I found something that I thought I might like , I would show it to Chris , and he wouldn 't like it . Then , I found it ( on Pinterest of course ) , yellow and gray ! I mentioned it to Chris , and he liked it as well ! I can see it all in my head . Me in the white dress with a bouquet of yellow and white flowers ( either one of the lilies mentioned earlier ) , my bridesmaids ( if I have any ) in light gray dresses with a single yellow flower , and my flowers girls ( for sure Grace and probably Cheyenne ) in yellow dresses with white petals to scatter . Chris will be in a black tux with a yellow flower in the pocket , a either a gray vest and yellow tie or a yellow vest and gray tie , and the groomsmen will be in whichever one he is not . Only thing is , he doesn 't have a lot of local friends , so we aren 't sure if we will have actual bridesmaids and groomsmen , or just a maid of honor and a best man because I don 't want to be standing up there with several bridesmaids and him only have one person . I know how I want the cake to look as well . I still want to incorporate the design of our rings around the bottom of the top tier , then I would like sugar floOh , and instead of a pillow to hold the rings , we are going to tie them to a Bible . That 's as far as I 've gotten for plans right now , but more will come ! ! I have to admit , this show is my guilty pleasure . I don 't know why , but I watch it every week . I guess it 's just that I feel that I can relate to the girls , and I don 't feel that 16 and Pregnant is scripted and fake like Teen Mom / Teen Mom 2 are . I couldn 't even watch Teen Mom 2 last season . I watched one episode and just couldn 't get into it . I might try watching Teen Mom 's last season since it 's the last , and I like Farrah , Catelynn , and Maci . . . not so much Amber , but can 't do anything about that . We 'll see . Well , to my surprise , there was a girl on this season who lived just about 30 minutes from me ( they sure do get a lot of girls from this area ) . I was really interested in her episode because she lived so close . Then , crazy thing , it shows her at her doctor 's office , which just happened to be my ob / gyn 's office . We had the same midwife ! Lol . She seemed like a good mom with a good head on her shoulders . The dad was a dead beat , and as far as I can tell , he still is : ( Later that night , I noticed one of my friends on facebook had " liked " her fanpage . I decided I would too because I really liked her episode . And yes , she has proof that it 's really her on her page . I noticed that she was actually commenting back to people , so I mentioned us having the same midwife . We ended up talking , and she is such a sweet girl ! She is graduating high school this year , which is great ! I didn 't ask her about the dad , but other people had , and I don 't think he has gotten any better since filming almost a year ago : ( But that just makes her that much stronger . I cannot imagine being a single mom ! Unfortunately , she says she didn 't make the Teen Mom 3 cut , but that 's probably for the best because I think it goes to their heads a little bit too much . Anyway , her little girl is adorable , and just a couple months older than Brentley . We got to talking about playdates and may be setting one up soon . So crazy how small this world can be lol . As most of you know , my brother has Down Syndrome and Autism . He is currently in high school in a severe - profound special needs class . Last week , he got to participate in the Special Olympics , which was held just down the street from us at the high school that I graduated from , which I must say , they have done a wonderful job of fixing it up since the tornado torn it apart last year . We took the kids out bright and early to support him . First , there was a parade . Sadly , there were not as many people out for the Special Olympics parade as there are for the other parades our town throws . Granted , it was a weekday morning , so I 'm sure that had something to do with it . Either way , it was a neat parade , and the kids got TONS of candy lol . Also , a lady came , and gave the girls flags , which they LOVED playing with . Brentley really enjoyed the parade . He just sat quietly , watching everything go by . Grace was a little scared of the marching bands . There were three in the parade ; one from each of the high schools in the county . I only got a couple of pictures of Cody ( my brother ) doing his events because my camera died : ( I wasn 't really happy with the way they did it . My brother 's first activity was a little race . He can walk for a short period of time , but prefers his wheelcahir . He didn 't want to get out of his wheelchair . You can kind of tell that the two women are struggling with him . So , what did they do ? Another woman grabs his wheelchair and ran it to one end , then when he got to it , and tried to grab it , she took off with it again . It was like a dog chasing a bone . People were laughing , but I really didn 't find it funny . The other thing that I wasn 't too thrilled about was that they actually placed them . Like 1st , 2nd . 3rd . I don 't think that was right at all . These kids do the best that they can . I think they should all get ribbons and medals of the same standing . Especially since they didn 't even do it fairly . My brother threw the ball the furthest in one of his events , but the lady that was supposed to call it wasn 't paying attention , so she gave him second place . It was like she didn 't want to be there or something . In the end , my brother seemed to enjoy it . We didn 't get to stay the whole day because Brentley wasn 't feeling well ( turns out he had a virus called roseola infantum ) , but we did get to see all of Cody 's activities , so that was good . Posted by Well , we finally had our bubble day . I think Grace was still a little too young for the picture part of it . She didn 't understand why we were popping all the bubbles on the paper . She wanted to see them flying through the air lol . The pictures looked even better when they dried completely . It was a really fun little activity that even Brentley enjoyed . It was sort of messy though because you have to put food coloring in the bubbles to get the pictures to work . We were very colorful when we were done lol . Our next activity is going to be a water balloon fight ! My little boy will be 9 months old in less than two weeks ! ! ! 3 / 4 of a year ! And I have come to the realization that I am addicted to event planning . Not only do I have Brentley 's entire party planned , but I also have most of Grace 's planned lol . We 'll stick with Brentley 's for now though . I find that planning early gives me lots of room to make changes , get new ideas , and find great sales ! All together , including location , decorations , food , cake , presents , pictures , etc . I have estimated that it 's going to cost us around $ 200 . His party is going to be on August 25th , and we are going to have it at the same place that we had his shower at . The theme is going to be a 1st birthday theme simply because we can never have another 1st birthday . This is the one we picked . . . As far as decorations , we are going to get one balloon to match , and then several multicolored balloons . Also a couple of matching table cloths . And maybe some wall decorations , but we 're not sure on that yet . Of course , this is the girl version , so it will be the boy colors , and I want to put his name on the bottom tier and a big red one on the top tier , then a blue bow on top , and there will be shapes like that all around the cake . I can do this ! lol . As for presents , we are going to get him one of those bears that everyone can sign ( like we had at Grace 's party ) , and Tonka trucks ( big and small ) . I would like to get him a Disney movie as well . We are trying to collect them all . I already bought him four bath toys that we are going to give him as well . We will take him out to dinner and somewhere fun on his actual birthday as well . I finished three days ago . Thank goodness ! I made three A 's ( YAY ) and two B 's ( boooo ) . That 's the first time I 've never made a B , let alone two . I made a B in pre - cal . That class was just plain hard . I also made a B in my American lit class , which really makes me mad . I worked my butt off in that class , and the professor just didn 't like my writing style . I can tell because of my research paper . I turned it in early for him to review . He wrote two comments on it and corrected two grammar problems . That 's it , out of the whole six page paper . I corrected everything he marked on there and turned it in , yet when he grades it , he gives me an 80 ? ? ? I was mad , so I went to talk to him about it . He said that I did not use my secondary sources enough . Well , the guidlines were that we had to have four secondary sources . It didn 't say anything about how much we had to use them . I had my four secondary sources , and I used three of them multiple times . There was not a single grammatical error or spelling error throughtout my entire six page paper , yet he takes 20 points off because HE feels that I did not use enough of my secondary sources . I could understand if he had said we had to use each source three times or something like that , but he didn 't , yet he takes 20 points off for that ? ? ? It just really makes me mad . Guess I have to get over it though because he said he wasn 't changing it . I hate lit classes . I like that 2 + 2 = 4 and that the earth revolves around the sun . I am a concrete thinker , not an abstract one . I stink at finding hidden meanings in stories and stuff like that , and it didn 't help that he was a TERRIBLE teacher . He would never tell anyone they were wrong . He would just say something like , " I guess I could see it that way . " And he would let the class wander off on random tangents that would last half of the class , yet have nothing to do with the subject matter . I 'm just glad that I am done with his class ! I will never take another class with him again ! This was such an easy project and Grace had a blast ! All I did was buy a flower pot from Dollar Tree , then I let her paint it . After that , we picked out a flower ( which I mentioned on our girls ' day out post ) . I gave her a choice of the cheap small flowers . I think she ended up picking petunias if I remember correctly . We also bought some potting soil . So we were set . I didn 't have any sort of shovel , so we used a spoon lol . I let her scoop the dirt and put it in . Today was the last day of our yard sale . I only made a little over $ 25 : ( So , I left all my stuff in my nana 's storage unit . I took pics of everything to post online , but didn 't anticipate selling much because no one bought anything over a two day period . Well , now I have people want to buy my travel system , two pink car seats , basinett , swing , some of the shoes , and some of the clothes . So , I texted my nana asking her if I could come pick the stuff up tomorrow . . . the place is closed on Sundays : ( Now I have to ask all these people to wait until Monday . Hope they will still buy it . People on these sites usually like to get it that day or the next day . I think that 's because a lot of people don 't follow through if they ask you to wait longer than that . Wish me luck that they will ! If they do , I will be getting at least $ 115 ! Almost enough to sign Grace up for gymnastics : ) Today was my girls ' day out with Grace . First we went to the mall to get her pictures done . She didn 't do well with that at all : ( We only got 3 picutres that I even liked , and I didn 't love any of them : ( She didn 't want to have her pictures made , so she kept whining and laying down with her face away from the camera . Oh well . After that , we went to eat at Shogun . She did really well there . She sat in her seat the whole time , and ate all of her chicken and some of her rice . While we were waiting on the guy to come cook the food , we sang all the songs from Dora . She loves Dora now . Also , she picked out her fortune cookie , and it said , " You are the center of attention in every group . " Not sure what kind of fortune that is , but that is SO Grace ! Lol . Then we went to Wal - Mart and got some potting soil and she picked out a flower . I bought her a flower pot and let her paint it , and now we are going to plant a flower in it that she will help me take care of . I 'll do a post all about that soon . Lastly , we went to Baskin Robbins and got some ice cream . She got cookie ' n cream , and I got chocolate chip cookie dough . She sat really well there as well . I had a really good time with my little girl . I miss being able to spend a lot of one - on - one time with her like that . I think I 'm going to try to make this a once a month thing now . And once Brentley is old enough , I will take him specials days out as well . We finally got our deposit back from our old place . That was a hassle , but I won 't go into that . The main thing we were planning on buying was the car seats . The ones we wanted were the Safey First Alpha Elite . They rf to 40 lbs , ff to 65 lbs , and booster to 100 lbs . I was excited because I thought we would get rf Grace again , but unfortunately , my tiny car won 't allow it . Chris is so tall that he has to have the seat way back , which won 't allow for Grace 's seat to rf properly . We could switch it around , but then Brentley would have to ff , and I 'm not doing that . I tried putting one of them in the middle , but the middle seat is too small for them to fit side by side like that . Oh well , at least Grace is over two . I can 't wait until I have a bigger car ! I feel safer with her in this car seat either way though ! And they both seem to really like them . Grace calls it her " seat belt " lol . So , this week has been really hectic . It 's finals week for one thing . And on top of that , my nana is having a yardsale that I am going to be putting a bunch of the kids ' old stuff for sale in . So , I have been really busy with that . I had been dragging everything out to go through it all , so I could find stuff to put in the sale . Well , our dishwasher broke , so Chris called our landlord , and he said he would send someone out the next day . That day , I ended up having to go help my nana and mom set up , so I just left the toys and clothes that I had been going through out . Plus , it was the middle of the day . I don 't clean up until it 's close to time for bed because I would end up having to clean 50 times throughout the day . Anyway . . . the maintenanace guy came to look at our dishwasher . That was yesterday . Today , Chris got a phone call from our landlord . The landlord told him there was a problem , so Chris asked him what it was , and the landlord told him that the maintenance guy told him that our apartment was trashy , and that " we don 't do trashy . " Trashy ? ! ? I was MAD when I heard that . Our apartment was not trashy ! Messy ? Yes , but it is not usually like that , and it even if it is , I clean it up every night . But it was far from trashy . There was not trash , or dishes , or dirty clothes . That is what I think of when I think of trashy . And then he told Chris that if we continued to live like that , he would evict us ! I mean really ? The man didn 't even step foot in our apartment . He did not witness this supposed ' trash ' for himself , yet he is threatening to evict us ? ? ? I don 't know who I 'm more mad at . . . the maintenance man for flat out lying and saying that our apartment was trashy , or the landlord for not actually investigating it for himself . I understand that if the apartment truly was trashy , then that would be a problem , but it wasn 't . I had already cleaned the entire apartment up before he even called us today . Chris told him he could come over right that minute and look for himself , but of course he wouldn 't do it . Gah , it just makes me so mad ! I don 't like being accused of being something I 'm not . Being accused of being trashy makes me feel like a bad mom : ( Let him have a toddler , a baby , be in the middle of finals week , and in the middle of a yardsale . . . I bet his place would be 10 times worse than what ours looked like . If he did evict us , there would be a huge lawsuit on his hands because we have not harmed his dumb apartment in any way . |
Jennifer Goes to the Dogs Around the block from my sister 's kind of shitty neighborhood there was this huge house where some rich people lived . The people had the house built to look like Tara in Gone with the Windand it looked ridiculous because the surroundings instantly shattered the poorly executed illusion . It turned out the people who built that house were rednecks who 'd won the Louisiana lottery . The yard guy who worked for these people was found dead and they said the dogs had done it . The rich people had three Rottweilers and they found the guy in their backyard . The Rottweilers had a reputation in the neighborhood . I 'd be tak ing a walk with my sister and we 'd pass the rich people 's house and see these dogs and under her breath she would say : Oh look it 's those dogs , they are really sweet . The dogs had this reputation for being really sweet . Not like other Rottweilers that mauled the faces off boys and shredded two - year olds . Sitting on my brother 's porch talking about my sister and the whole dog thing while knocking back some beers , he said , shit , that 's the thing about intense dogs , you never know when they 'll snap and neither do they and its all one big happy family until the fucking apocalypse explodes in your face . Yes , I said , I guess that 's the thing . When they found the yard guy everyone had to eat their words about the dogs being sweet . When I 'd ask my sister if there was any new news on the yard guy situation she never said " those dogs were so sweet … or so we thought . " In fact I was always the one who had to initiate the topic of the dogs . So it was with sur prise that one day when I asked if there was any news about those dogs she told me it wasn 't the dogs fault , turns out the yard guy was on crack and the dogs were trying to rouse him when he collapsed . But at that point she couldn 't resume the old myth of " those dogs are really sweet . " Even though it turns out the myth was true . Then there was that miserable woman in France . A total junkie , she tries to kill herself and overdoses . Her Labrador tries to wake her from her drug induced coma and does . She sits up and lights a cigarette . Something I can totally identi fy with . But when she pulls her hand away from her mouth she notices blood . Then she looks in the mirror . Her face - gone . That same day another woman tries to kill herself and succeeds . When the mauled woman gets to the hospital the French doctors have an idea . Something never before attempted . Why don 't we take the face off the woman who killed herself and put it on the woman who got her face eaten by a dog while trying to kill herself . How fucked up is that I swear to God , the French . Anyway , the irony here being clear and including : the dead woman lives through the on - going nature of her face , and at the same time the living woman has to wear the face of a dead woman . In both of these stories people first believed the dogs were responsible for the atrocious happenings , but in both of these stories it was the people 's own fault for dying or trying to . The dogs were trying to wake the people , they were trying to prevent death or bring the people back from dead . My grandfather once shot a dog . He had to as the dog was rabid and this was in the country . Not long before my grandfather died he told me that for years he suffered nightmares in which he relived the moment before he shot the dog . He had thrown a steak and the dog went to fetch it , which is when my grandfather raised his rifle to shoot , but right then the dog turned and looked at my grandfa ther directly in the eyes . My grandfather was crying , kind of sobbing actually , when he told me this story . I know that my grandfather felt terrible about it . Maybe he thought he had dis appointed the dog by breaking some kind of code of ethics whereby you do not shoot dogs in the back even if they are rabid . A couple of days after he told me this story he shot himself . With the rifle he shot the dog with ? I don 't know , but my guess is probably . Did my grandfather break down while telling me the dog story because he knew even then that he would kill himself ? I 've gone over those last conversations again and again . When my grandfather shot himself he did it in the back yard , where we kept our two dogs . They were small and cheerful dogs . After his death they wouldn 't leave the guest bedroom closet and when anyone approached they would shake all over and make whimpering sounds . I spent a week in the closet with the dogs , try py life and one ended up having a sad life . As an adult I have owned one dog that died when she was hit by a car . She was such a light - hearted dog . Her death coincided with a break up , a process that would , it turned out , take years . I ended up with that dog accidentally - though I was pretty happy about it - but it wasn 't like I went out and tried to get a dog so when she died I realized I didn 't want another one . I have read two novels which feature dogs as metaphorical themes . Both of the books were about the heart , our human dog hearts , our breaking heart hearts , and then just getting on with things . I loved those books when I read them because they seemed hopeful . Once when I began a particular affair , I wrote a poem about dogs and when my lover read it , he cried . It made him feel scared , but he didn 't know why . Really there was a bad dog in the poem but it was about this other guy I had sex with a week after meeting my then - current lover , an experience I failed to mention as I was so caught up being in love . Three years later when I told my lover about the guy I had sex with , he became furious and ended our affair . There were other rea sons of course , but I look back at when my ex - lover read that dog poem and think : damn . You also see those bumper stickers , the one that say Dog is my Co - Pilot . Are the people who put these bumper stickers on their cars making fun of God or AA ? It is unclear . When I was a kid I thought Kujowas the scariest fucking movie ever . I remem ed kid are in this tiny hatchback piece of shit car that of course won 't start and Kujo is pounding on the windows of the car , a killing machine . I was once told as a child that a black dog portends death . Years later when I was working at a 7 - ll I 'd often get night shifts with this guy Jim I had a major crush on . Only freaky or drunk people came in during the night shift so we would go out back before our shift started and get stoned out of our minds . Then Jim would get the portable jam - box out of his car and bring it into the store and we 'd listen to music , which I didn 't know anything about , but Jim knew a lot about . One night Jim played the Nick Drake song Black Eyed Dogand then told me how Nick Drake died right after he wrote that song and that he had unbelievably long fingernails when they found his emaciated body . Jim cranked up the volume and we listened to the song again and it was like you could hear it all in the brassy edges of Nick Drake 's voice . In the middle of the song a college frat kid came in to buy some condoms . Jim didn 't turn down the volume so the guy had to buy the condoms with Black Eyed Dogblaring . It was so great because when Jim was selling the kid the condoms , it was like he was giving that kid a sermon or some thing , like : " you want condoms well here you go andBlack Eyed Dog , mother fucker . " Coincidentally this was the first time I ever thought about marriage as a personal option , seeing Jim toss the condoms at that kid like that . I thought : there are some people I could really learn to live with . After my divorce when I thought I was losing my mind Wanda suggested I get a dog . She sounded so optimistic when she said it and was very adamant about the idea , she was so glad she was having it . And I wanted to be glad she was glad so I lied and said I thought it was a terrific idea . My sister got a dog " for the kids " meaning her husband and baby Casey and once when we were talking about something I 'd written she said , you never put in the good stuff , only the bad stuff , and the dog was barking in the background and she had to repeat herself three times so that by the last time she was yelling but right then the dog stopped barking so she was just yelling . The dogs around here make me feel - what ? There are many hanging from trees , slick and bloated flags . And there are oth ers aimlessly wandering about , starving . I watched one take a shit then lie down and die next to a jumble of broken stuff that included a doll 's head strangled in Mardi Gras beads . So , to answer your question , Barbara Walters , I guess I 'd say that dogs do make me think about death . I like that they have this streak in them , which tries to wake humans from death . It makes me feel like something is watching out for me , even though dogs often hurt people when they try to wake them . But when I think about the dogs around here wandering around looking for food , I also think they are competition . I could go on and on about dogs . Johannah Schmid Magdalena I was seven years old . It was so hot that I used my tiny hands to divide the air like curtains so that I could walk . Thoughts of my body lying in cold water wove through my mind , but there were seven miles between me and the public swim ming pool , and I had only my bike , and I didn 't have permission to go . I imagined cycling so fast through the dense air that it would open like the Red Sea , and that would be proof that it was right for me to leave , when I heard my dad shouting my and my sister 's name . Again I was too late , again too stupid to hide , again too embarrassed to behave like her , who never had to go . My dad blew the horn impatiently and asked where my sister was , not even lis tening to my answer , but pulling me up onto the tractor by my arm . I swore to myself that this was the last time I was going without my sister . I despised myself for putting up with this every day , a feeling similar to how I felt after I masturbat ed again although I had promised Jesus the day before that this was the very last time . Arriving at the meadow , he threw the equipment from the tractor , helped me down , handed me a bottle of mineral water and an apple and yelled back as he left that he 'd be back soon . My vision blurred ; I felt something hot collecting in my eyes , crawling down slowly on both sides of my nose , suddenly running as if star tled and then dripping down from my chin to my collarbones and evaporating in my imagination with a zsch … and some steam . The meadow was huge , impossible to see to the end of it , but I knew from the other day that there were seven rows with twenty - three trees in each row . I hid the bottle and the apple under some hay in the shadow of a tree , took the rake and pulled the hay towards me , went one step to the left , pulled , went another step to the left , pulled , another step to the left until I reached the next tree ; then I pulled , made one step to the right , pulled … I created a hay snake . She grew fast , got fatter and fatter , and I imagined she was able first to devour only mice , then rats , then muskrats , then martens . ( Five years later when I first read The Little Prince I thought about all the hun dreds of snakes I had created and fed and my vision blurred and I felt something hot collecting in my eyes , crawling down slowly on both sides of my nose , running and dropping from my chin like a leaky faucet . ) For the distance between trees two and three I used a different technique : I pulled , went one step back , pulled , went one step back , pulled … until the snake started to live in the middle of the rows . I jumped forward on one leg toward the trees , pulled , stepped one step back , pulled , another step back , pulled , jumped for ly dry . Getting the water now would waste a long unproductive walk . I wouldn 't be able to run , I would have to walk very slowly to avoid getting dizzy , and I could just as well do the next row while I was going back . I just had to make sure that this thing in my mouth wouldn 't touch my palate , because if it did the single papil - n 't feel anything unless my tongue were to grow and fill out my whole mouth . I tried to make very smooth movements , so that if somebody could see only my upper body it would look like I was being moved along on a conveyer belt . As I neared the place where I 'd hidden the water , my tongue started to rebel , and it made me think about diving : when it feels like you can 't hold your breath any longer you want to get to the surface to get air , but if you convince yourself that there are only a few feet left , or that you can 't get up before you see a some object on the bottom and after that another one , and so on , you can stay below for a hun dred meters , even though you were out of breath after fifty . The apple break made my stomach feel funny . The big pieces of apple I had swallowed without chewing them into a mash clacked together like boats in a storm , and when I jumped , the water and boats hit the top of my stomach and col lapsed . After a few hours I lay myself underneath of a tree , completely exhausted , but happy and very proud that I had been able to do the job , though it had seemed impossible at the beginning . I heard the engine of a tractor , and I imagined my dad jumping down to me with his beautiful smile , taking me in his arms , throwing me in the air like a little baby , catching me and telling me that I am the only one he can rely on , that I am fast and that the snakes I made are amazing … But it was a different farmer who passed by , and disappeared . I gathered the longest blades of grass and braided them together , but they broke . So I laid them all parallel on the ground and held them in place with my bare foot so they wouldn 't move and wove other blades into the grid until I had created a mat . I was marveling at the artwork which lay in my outstretched palm when a big drop of water landed on it . The vault had darkened and huge drops pounced from the sky . The cold summer storm provoked a tempest in my body , and I started to cry hysterically . When my dad arrived I was happy that he couldn 't see that my face wasn 't wet only because of the rain . As he pulled me up onto the tractor he said that he couldn 't get there sooner because he had to save the hay he already had on his wagon . I was facing the rear crying silently as I watched him destroy my snakes with the metal fingers of the spider ( German for hay rake rotary ) so the hay would be able to dry again after the rain was over . Sunday morning 4 am , my mother woke us up and asked us to come help in the stable . It was cold , dark and damp outside . I was freezing and half asleep and I had a hard time getting into the stable clothing that we kept in a separate room so the rest of the house wouldn 't stink . It was disgusting to smell this stable reek so ear ly in the morning ; it felt as if it were passing unfiltered directly into my body , not just through my nose , but right through my skin as well . My dad gave each of us a shovel and explained that he would fill up the sluice containing manure with water . As soon as the water came up to floor level , the rats would come out to get air . If we saw a rat we were supposed to hit it as hard as we could with the shovels to stun it , and he would come and kill it . It felt like a dream , unreal and crazy , only my body was so uncomfortable that it had to be real . I held my shovel in a vertical position so that I would just have to drop it if I saw a rat . I could see the water filling up the sluice and some rats stick ing out their heads to find out what was wrong . The very first rat who came out just plopped down in front of me and cleaned its face . It was so sweet , I thought I could never harm it , but the next one I saw ran straight toward me . I slammed the shovel down on the rat , afraid that it would hurt me . My dad ran toward me and stabbed the rat with his pitchfork straight through its body . It was shrieking and writhing terribly and it didn 't stop . The next one ran in the direction of my sister , and the next toward my brother … and it was always the same procedure . I backed away a little into a corner , shivering , with my shovel over my head and so full of fear that I peed in my pants . My father collected all the rats on the fork as on a skewer , still writhing and crying . When the fork was " full " he exchanged it for a new one . I was shivering so much , it was a kind of double shiver : one because I was freezing , the other because of my fear . Suddenly I felt something jump from above onto my hands . I screamed in terror . I was completely immobilized by fear . Gradually I could see that what I had felt was only cow dung that had stuck to the shovel when I hit the first rat and which was now slipping off onto my hands . My family broke out in a peal of laughter . I was embarrassed , but I was also angry and swore to myself never to help them with this again . I left without a word . They tried to keep me there , apologizing , but I left the stable , washed my hands in the house , left the clothing on the floor for them to put away and went back to bed . I was nev n 't suffering on that account , rather the opposite : I was training as gymnast and it was very practical to have no boobs and no period . In biology we were studying snails . Snails are hermaphrodites and I asked the teacher if it was possible that human beings could also be hermaphrodites . She simply said yes . Her answer hit me like a stroke of lightening . I was devastated . Now it was clear why I didn 't have breasts or menses . There was nobody to ask , no section in the public library acces sible to kids where you could find out anything . I suffered for about a year trying to get used to the fact that I was different until I woke up one morning and had tiny crystalline balls right beneath my nipples . I wouldn 't say it was exactly a relief , but I guessed that that might be the end of my being a hermaphrodite . I met him in a Bible class . He was so different , he looked at me in a way that made my heart start to pound . We sat in a big circle with about twenty other young people . We read a passage from the Bible and then we tried to interpret it . Normal ly , it was boring , but every comment he made was brilliant and thoughtful . He played in a Christian rock band , had long hair and played the guitar for me alone , even though I didn 't like it that he needed to connect it to an amplifier . I was in love . His room was the only place where we could meet privately . We made out a little then stopped and knelt down to ask Jesus for strength not to continue with these sins . When that didn 't work anymore we explained to ourselves that we would get married in any case , so it would be fine for us to sleep together . I moved away at the age of fifteen and after that we saw each other only on weekends . I learned that there were other ways to speak , other ways to think , other ways to see the world and very different kinds of people . I fell out of love with Jesus and out of love with him and decided to stop our relationship . He didn 't let me ; I had prom ised to marry him . He possessed me and I felt like I was possessed and I wanted that to stop . He came to the city in which I lived and rang the doorbell . I didn 't open the door . He came back with an axe , stood in front of my apartment door and said he would not leave before he waded through my blood , until he spooned my brain out of my head . I called the police . They took him away , and I went for a few weeks to a friend 's house a few hundreds miles away . He found out where I was and I found him in front of the door as I was on my way out . He apologized and said he needed to talk to me . I didn 't want to let him into the empty house so I agreed to drive with him to a coffee shop nearby . On the way he turned off the road through a field and stopped the car underneath a bridge . He opened his pants and wanted me to suck his small pink cock . I refused and tried to talk , but his heart started to beat so wildly that I could see his shirt moving , as if powered by an elec tric pump . He yelled at me , called me names , tried to undress and rape me . I escaped from the car , but he caught me , pressing my head against a stone and hit gle me , all the while yelling what a horrible person I was . I couldn 't listen to what he was saying , I just tried very hard to think , think , think , think ; what can I do ? How can I survive ? How can I stop him ? How can I get out of this ? Fortunately he was still trying to convince me to come back to him , so he paused a few times dur ing which I coughed and choked after breath as he asked me questions . I promised everything , that I loved him more than anything , that I wanted to sleep with him , that I would never look at other men again … he squeezed my neck so hard that I knew I would die . I had done everything I could . I would die without guilt , prob ably nobody would find me . I saw him from above yelling my name , slapping my cheeks . I felt a slap on my face and he fell back on his seat exhausted and absent . A tractor passed close by , and I managed to get out of the car and escape . Every night I dreamed the same story , waking up the moment he strangled me . I feared going to bed and I thought every evening about how to react in my dream , what weapon I would have and how I would use it . After a full year I was able to lay hold of a pair of scissors and stab him in the eyes . Then I escaped . That was my last dream . Iris Smyles ny story actually but that I didn 't have time to explain . I did it because I 'm crazy , obviously , and you 've already said that , so why the dumb questions about my face ? Don 't you remember when I peeled all the skin from my fingers ; you complimented me on the style of my band - aids , bought me a drink , and then introduced yourself . I 'd thought I had something on my hand , I 'd explained . And so I scratched until it came off , I 'd continued to you charmingly . I 'd had dreams about things grow ing on my hands - giant welts in the shape of tiny animals , secret mathematical formulas puffing up from the skin , and skyscrapers that kept getting higher , and so when I woke up I scratched and scratched until it was raw . Seeing what I 'd done I dipped the whole hand in a sink full of peroxide . The way it fizzed white like soda when I put it in and stung me all the way to my eye lashes , I knew I was doing the right thing and they were clean . Later my parents made me visit a doctor because I didn 't want to die just yet , not before I found love and wrote a novel on a paper napkin anyway , or at least obtained a good position typing , and a boyfriend who 'd pay for dinner and say something nice about the dress I chose to wear . The doctor looked at my hand , and I looked at him concerned . He said it was only scar tissue . " But underneath , underneath ! " I said . He said there was nothing underneath , so I stopped scratching and it healed . Remember when I couldn 't open my mouth all the way and so I had to mash bananas through the small opening between my teeth when I felt hungry ? The doctor said it could be TMJ , so I told you I couldn 't hold your cock in my mouth anymore because it placed undue stress on my jaw , and I felt I should leave my retainer in all the time if I wanted those years of braces to be worth anything . Lat er on , when I was leaving again for a long time and you were staying behind at the bike shop , I told you I couldn 't kiss you anymore because we weren 't getting married , and I didn 't want to anyway , but would always love you even though I didn 't like you anymore , and hated the way you came near me in the bed at that seedy motel after your cousin 's wedding . We haven 't seen each other in a while , and I couldn 't respond to your letters because I woke up the morning after my last birthday with paralyzed arms . I fig ing but couldn 't take notes . The numbness is mostly gone now , which is good because it was winter and it was hard to button my coat . I 've been seeing a chiropractor who is trying to right my spine , because it all comes from the spine , he says . He twists my neck till it pops , like the way they kill monsters on TV with one swift stroke . It calms me down seeing him three times a week . I 'm not supposed to carry anything heavy , and I bought a new chair for my desk and special wrist splints to wear while typing and sleeping . I saw a neurologist before that and he asked if I had been doing anything fun ple and my jaw felt tight suddenly , which was weird because my jaw 's been fine for years now . " No , nothing , " I said , as he pressed me . He told me I was only deceiving myself if I tried to deceive my doctor because that 's part of the treat ment and it all goes back to the spine . He left the room to get the x - rays and I started crying but really fast , so when he came back he couldn 't see anything . The other day I saw a pink spot on my cheek and started scratching it and applied peroxide and various creams I found in the medicine cabinet . And then this morning I accidentally scratched all the skin off so it 's raw and it hurts a lit tle . My face is all messed up , which is why if I saw you on the street I wouldn 't tell you all this but turn around before you saw me and not call you back if you called and stop seeing you once and for all , all together . You 've been calling all week . You probably love me now that I 'm gone , because you think I 've stopped thinking about you and I 'm beautiful when I 'm not looking at you . All the photos you have of me in profile . The one with my eyes closed you say is beautiful . I don 't think about you every day , sometimes it 's all I can do . I don 't go out anymore , and I wouldn 't be lying if I said I was busy last Wednesday ; I had to stay home because I wanted to and because there is a lot to keep me busy at home . I stood on my head for an hour to see what it felt like , to see how it might affect my alignment , and to see if it would work to get me back to the way I was before I met you . My back still hurts , but I don 't mind the treat ment , and the doctor has noticed an improvement in my mood , though he hasn 't asked about the splotch on my face , steadily growing and taking over . It 's new skin . Maybe I can get all new skin . I 'm not seeing anyone . I could , but I find it too boring . I 'm too busy . Yester day , I pulled all my eyelashes out thinking I wouldn 't need those wishes anymore . I have to stop wishing that you 'd call and say that you love me rather than " do you love me ? " as you would if I answered . I pulled them all out and dipped both of my hands in peroxide , and covered my face with toothpaste , and cracked my neck , and stood on my head . Then I did it again . I listened to the fizz of my hands sizzling cold in the peroxide and dreamed about how you 'd stop calling eventually and how that 's what I want . Luisa Valenzuela Woman . 1977 Adapted by the author from the story " Symmetries " We take them out . No one can say we 're not human , and yet so few people thank us for it . It 's true , in part . They do take us out , they bring us the most beautiful disgusting clothes , they take us to the most beautiful disgusting places with silver candelabra in order to eat delicious food . Disgusting . They are not in the least human , let alone humanitarian . We can hardly taste the supposedly delicious food , the clothes are too tight around our chests ; besides , afterwards they return us to the horror they make us vomit up all the food they tear off our clothes they make us give everything back . With interest . Except that , except that in some corner of our souls we manage to maintain a minimum of dignity and we never betray the others . When love comes along it lights up everything . Forgive me if I laugh at such a stale cliché . Forgive me if I laugh out loud , now that they leave us so little room for laughter . Only room for what we will call love for lack of a better word . A word that can be the worst of all words : a bullet . Just like the word ' bullet , ' something that penetrates and lingers on . Or doesn 't linger on at all , it merely pierces . After me , the deluge . First , the shot . The women who are in our power know it . This woman knows it , and that one and that one and that one too . They have lost their names among us and have learned to allow themselves to be penetrated ' cause we have taken great pains to tame them . We have done our best and they know it . They know other things that even the generals and admirals would like to know and which the women refuse to reveal . Despite the horrors and the dazzling , punish ing outings , the women remain silent and the military cannot help but admire them for that . We look at the women but they do not see us . They have hoods on or we have blindfolded them . Being walled up , we call it . We look them up and down and inside too , we stick things inside them , we perforate and puncture and explore . We stick things inside them , not always our own . We put things inside them that are much more terrible than our own , simply ' cause those things are a prolongation of our selves and because they are ours . The women , I mean . The women scream if they have any voice left . Then we take them out to supper without a blindfold on , without a hood , and without even that thread of a voice , with their eyes dim , their heads down . We make them wear the loveliest clothes . The loveliest clothes . They bring hairdressers and beauticians to the clandestine detention centre and they force us to put on long , embroidered dresses . As in other instances , we want to refuse but we can 't . We know perfectly well where they get the dresses from - cov es on . With our hair done , and made up and manicured and modified , with not the slightest chance of being ourselves . When they uncover your head they cover your body you lose all consciousness of self that 's the most dangerous thing you don 't even know where you 're standing and we very rarely do stand except in the freezing courtyard . Sit down ! We shout at them as if they were recruits , sit down with your legs apart , wider , we shout , and it 's an excellent idea . Don 't allow them to die standing up like soldiers , let them die belly up like cockroaches , like the grovelers they are - ; but they are soldiers , they are more like soldiers than we are . Are they braver ? They know they are going to die for their ideals and they hold firm to their ideals . We merely - pleas urably - kill them . There is a complaint : Who whispered the word ' pleasurably ' without daring to say it out loud ? The exact adverb to use would be ' gloriously ' . Gloriously , I say . Gloriously is how we kill them , for the glory and honor of the fatherland . You have to look because if you turn away , if you feel pity or repugnance , because if you feel pity or repugnance what we are embarked upon ceases to be sublime . It 's almost diabolical we know what it 's called they don 't give it its true name they call it interrogation they say it 's a lesson and we know about our companions who have been left in tatters destroyed gradually bone by bone and have been left bleed er they will take us out and show us off like the trophies we are . How is it that no one knew before , how is it that no one said anything , how is it that no one saw them in the Mesón del Río , for example , or in one of the other classy restaurants where they took the women between sessions ? Those possibly beautiful women , perfectly turned out , their wounds disguised with make - up , silent , placed there to demonstrate that the torturers have an even more absolute and unanswerable power than the power of humiliation or punishment . It was a joint experiment then suddenly one colonel lost his grip on reality . 1977 . I want this woman just for me don 't touch her only I am going to touch her from now on leave her to me I 'm here I can see to her myself . This woman is mine now I pass my hand over her haunches I caress her gently she knows or believes that I 'm going to hit her nothing of the sort my hand goes too far , my hand slaps her , enraged , my hand has a mind of its own I caress her again and I can relax , surrender myself . I can at last surrender myself to a woman , I can drop my guard tear off my stripes , I can , because this woman is more of a hero than all of us put together , because this woman killed for a cause and we just kill for the sake of it , ' cause they order us to . This woman is mine and I 'm keeping her and if I want I 'll save her not that I want to save her , I just want to have her for myself whatever the consequences . For her I leave all the medals and braid at the door , I rip up my uniform , I take off my clothes and I dissolve and only I can hold her close . And dissolve her . The colonel 's centre , his concern , is this woman behind bars , lying on her back on a torture table always waiting for him with her legs apart . A captive lover . This woman stretched out on the metal table , writhing on contact with the electric prod . The cattle prod is , of course , applied by the colonel reduced now to the universal role of lover . The 1977 woman is living amongst real savages and yet her colonel lover has maily those who amused themselves with her previously did not play at trying to smash her teeth . Howls can be heard from the other side of the walls and they do not come from the jungle , however much they resemble the cries of wounded animals in the depths of paleolithic caves . On the table , which is covered with a metal sheet , on the rough cement floor , against the walls encrusted with blood , he makes love to the woman . The enamored colonel and his chosen one . And the smell of sex mingles with the other sickly smells of those who passed through there before and stayed there , for ever spattered on the floor , the ceiling , the walls , the torture table . It 's important not to forget . We must remember those walls that have been demol ished with the clear aim of removing the corpus delicti , of erasing from the face of the world the memory of the horror . The horror must never be forgotten nor the stench nor the pain nor Few are concerned about the woman ( 1977 ) , an inscrutable woman with rather atrophied muscles , gaunt but beautiful . Only one man , in fact , is concerned about that woman and he 's very concerned . Too concerned . He 's not content now with giv ing her dresses and jewels obtained during dubious police raids . No , in mufti , he himself goes to the best lingerie shops and fashion boutiques in the city and buys her clothes . With his own hands he measures her neck , pressing a little too tightly , and then he goes to Antoniazzi 's to order a choker that 's a bit too small for her and far too expensive for him . He offers it to her as proof of his love and he makes her wear it , and the choker looks rather like a dog collar , with rings made out of blue gold , a specialty of the jewelers . With a fine snakeskin belt by way of a leash , he could take that woman anywhere , but that is not what he wants . He wants her to follow him of her own free will , he wants her to love him . And if , for her , love was ever anything more than submission , she can no longer remember . Or else she prefers not to . These are times of survival and silence : refus ing to give the tiniest bit of information , remaining absorbed , distant , just smiling a little if possible and trying to return a kiss but never opening her mouth to speak , to betray . Never . Disgust must remain relegated to somewhere outside those walls . The colonel is those walls because he removes her from imprisonment in the clan destine center and , walled up in fur coats , camouflaged in beautiful clothes , masked by elaborate makeup and hairdos , he takes her to the theatre , to dine at the best places and absolutely no one seems to recognize her or approaches her on these outings , not that anyone could , surrounded as he usually is by his bodyguards . She , in turn , recognizes no one , she does not even look up . She knows obscurely that a single gesture on her part would condemn the others ; and she knows that for any such gesture or look he will hurt her , later on . He will mark her below the line of the low - cut dress so that he 'll be able to show her off in other clothes . He doesn 't do it in order to mark her nor does he insist any longer that she betray her comrades . He is only looking for new excuses to be able to penetrate her each day a little more until he manages to possess her entirely . He loves her , much more deeply than any man has ever loved before , he thinks . And he takes her out more often than is advisable and he even hopes to be able to introduce her to his legal wife and to install her in the marital bed . High - ranking officers in the army begin to be alarmed , even if the pleasure of the colonel is measured as befits his rank . His pleasure is apparently measured , but the love he feels for the hooded woman is immeasurable . I happen to love her , it seems he said - it just came out of him - on one occasion , and the words did not fall on deaf ears . His superiors started to watch him and to worry while they themselves paraded their own favorite victims through the salons of the large hotels . They observe him , he who only observes the neckline of the woman he loves or the clum sy way she raises the glass of champagne to her lips . The prisoner he 's pampering is a dangerous subversive and worthy soldiers like him cannot be involved with elements who are the enemies of the fatherland . Or rather they can and must be involved , what is unforgivable is to have abandoned his 's duty in order to plunge - unwittingly it 's true - into the murky waters of desire . An act of downright insubordination . A colonel cannot place a woman above the army itself , even if that woman is the property of the army . It 's best to make a fresh start in these cases . So the colonel is sent to Europe on a specific mission while , with the aid of her choker the 1977 woman is sent to Hell on a mission unspecified . |
My double is evil ! They say everyone has a double . Some believe it to be true , some deny it . I know it to be true . Ask anyone here in this small town , they will agree … My double lives in the same town as I do … . and he is a criminal , a con artist , and an outright idiot . Every time I get a haircut , he seems to do the same . Everywhere I go I am asked whether I have a twin or if I am related to this jerk . Once , I almost got killed because someone that he ripped off thought I was him . I had to show ID before the big ape would let go of my neck . You may think I am joking , I am not . I am totally serious . I don 't actually see the resemblance , but enough people have mistaken me for this guy that it makes me wonder . I have to admit , it is scary to say the least . Once , this guy sold a poor family his minivan . Problem was , he didn 't own it in the first place . He had a loan from the bank , and without a single payment , he unloaded the thing on the unsuspecting family who desperately needed it . When asked , the guy said that he bought it because he knew I was an honest man , and that he thought he was buying it from ME . He didn 't know me very well … I would never own a Dodge , I am a Toyota Man . This dumbass who is lucky enough to look like me has been getting me in trouble all my life . When I was just seventeen , the two of us were dating sisters . That 's how I met the guy . When someone seen him cheating on his girl , they mistakenly identified me as the cheater . My girl wouldn 't believe me , seeing how it was her MOTHER who seen him with this other girl . I almost lost a job once because this guy came into my place of employment and STOLE something in broad daylight . The new guy at work figured he was me . Next day I get called into the front office by the boss as he urged me to confess . Of course I wasn 't even in town on that day . Just seeing him walk up the street makes me sick . When people approach me and ask if I am related to him , or if I am him , I could scream . So annoying . Thankfully my lady doesn 't see the resemblance . She said that while he is my height and build , she doesn 't think I look like him … or he looks like me . God Love her ! Right now I am waiting for something . Last time I seen him , he had a huge bald spot on the back of his head . Any day now , the rest of his hair will fall out and we will look different … unless some stupid person comes up and comments me on my new wig ! ARRRGH ! Behind my grandfather 's house , across the cow pasture , there was a gigantic hill , about a mile long . the hill was created when my grandfather took his dog team up the mountain to haul firewood during winter . He cut the path out and from then on , it became ' Teddy 's Hill ' . My dad used to slide there as a kid , and so did I . The hill wasn 't without danger , as halfway down there was a giant rock that stuck out . When the kids played on the hill , my grandfather would first go out and using his shovel , he created a bank around the rock . When kids hit the bank , they made a jump that led them over the rock and on down the hill . My dad said that they couldn 't afford sleds , so the made due with the hood from one of Grappy 's old pickup trucks , waxed with animal fat . Of course , we didn 't need the truck hood , we had modern sleds . First we had wooden toboggans . I remember climbing on a ten foot toboggan , along with six or more other kids , and flying down the hill . The walk back up wasn 't easy , and took almost twenty minutes , but it gave us kids time to chat and plan our next trip down the hill . During the later winter months , when the snow became sticky , we fashioned jumps toward the bottom of the hill . Again , several kids on one sled , the added weight hurling us even faster down the hill , but when we hit our ramps , kids went everywhere . Can you say FUN ? One Christmas , I was lucky enough to get a Krazy Karpet from Santa . Whoa ! This thing was cool ! A thin piece of space age plastic that rolled up under your arm until you were ready to use it . No longer did I need to drag a heavy wooden toboggan up the steep hill , I could walk effortlessly with my sled rolled up under my arm . And Go ! Did it ever go , it flew ! The trip down the hill went at least two times as fast . I was the envy of the other kids . Imagine , me being the envy … in no time , all my friends had these cool Krazy Karpets , each a different color . One day I seen an ad on television for the newest sliding sensation . The ad was from K - Tel , and it was the latest craze for kids . Mini - Skis . I asked mom and dad for a pair , but being so poor , I had to wait for Santa . On Christmas morning , I was the first to get up , and the first under the tree . I ripped my gift open , excited to find my cherry red mini - skis , only to find … . . Sno - Skates . Stupid Sno - Skates . Essentially Krazy Karpets that tied to each foot . I remember the ad on TV . A kid headed down a hill , a terrified look on his face . He only had a few teeth in his mouth , possibly from some Sno - Skating accident . I almost cried . Reluctantly , I headed up the hill that Christmas day , trying to make the best of my disappointing Christmas morning . The other kids laughed their asses off at my stupid gift . Like the kid in the ad , I too headed down the hill with a terrified look on my face . I only wish I would have made it to the bottom of the hill . I didn 't . I went face and eyes into the rock . The same rock that our Krazy Karpets and our toboggans and even our cheap plastic sleds were able to avoid . The Sno - Skates took me head on into the rock . When I was dug out of the snow by laughing kids , I was surprised to find that one of my Sno - Skates had broken . I wasn 't all that sad . Later that winter I did manage to buy a set of Mini - Skis . Well they weren 't actual Mini - Skis , at least not the ones made by K - tel . They were called Super - Skis . Some Japanese knock off of the originals , but it didn 't matter , they were all that I expected them to be . Down the hills , over jumps , even being towed across the fields by a ski - doo , I used my Super - Skis until the bottoms were all but worn out . What fun . SightsnbytesJanuary 28 , 2014January 29 , 2014 Crazy Billy and the Aliens I woke up early this morning , fresh out of some strange dream . I got up and had to write this crazy story down . Last time I eat spicy food before bedtime ! When Billy was young , Aliens took his pa away . He remembers playing in the kitchen with his little brother when suddenly a large brass container appeared between the stove and the wall . He remembers his little brother going close to the object and a door opening . Billy can still remember that day . In fear for the smallest child , Billy 's dad pulled the baby from the opening and went in himself . The door closed , and the thing disappeared , taking his father away forever . The aliens came back one night and took his little brother too . Billy still remembers posting signs on the wall , begging the aliens to return his dad . He spent so many nights staring at the night sky , wishing those horrible creatures would bring his father home to him and his ma . Oh , they took his kid brother as well ! Growing up wasn 't easy for Billy , who was treated as a nutcase by the people in town . Everyone sang the same song , Crazy Billy and the aliens . This made Billy ashamed , and eventually he became a shut in . Now at twenty four , Billy met a girl . She had been working with the town nurse , visiting homes and vaccinating kids for some disease . Billy was smitten with the young lass , and the two of them hit it off . Everything was going great until she asked Billy why his mother lived alone . Billy 's reply ? " Dad was taken by aliens ! " Cathy laughed in his face . " Aliens , c ' mon , I was just curious , you don 't have to tell the truth , but aliens ? " With this , Billy ran away from the girl and home to his now aging mother . " Mom , how did Daddy really die ? Did Aliens really take him away ? " he asked . His old mother took Billy in her arms and began to cry . With that , Billy screamed at the ceiling . " Damn aliens , why did you take daddy ? " Ellen Colson was a lady who lived a few houses down the road . Her house still stands , now in ruins . A long abandoned shack on the side of the road . " No aliens Billy , it was just easier to tell you back then . You remember Ellen , don 't you ? Pretty lady , never went nowhere , and suddenly she was having a baby ? It was your fathers baby . He and Ellen had the baby and expected me to raise it . You never had a little brother , at least I didn 't give birth to him . He was the son of your father , your half - brother . The son of a bitch expected to bring his mistress and THEIR child to live with the two of us . At first I went along , mostly out of fear that he would beat me . When I could no longer take the lies , I kicked your father and his slutty mistress out of the house , along with the child . That damn kid , couldn 't look at the little bastard . That 's what made me so bitter . " Mom ! All those years . All the time being picked on for believing that dad was taken by creatures from the sky . Always wondering what happened to my little brother . I thought they took him too . Being called Crazy Billy . You could have told me the truth , you should have ! " Billy pleaded , tears in his eyes . " I could have , and should have . I guess all this time I didn 't want to believe it myself . I have letters that he wrote , and I did send him pictures , but I wouldn 't let him come see you , and I never spoke to him face to face since he left . " " You don 't remember the old stove . It was so long ago . We had a hot water tank hooked to the wood stove . It was always red hot . We told you guys not to touch it , or you would get hurt . That was the thing you remember as the space ship that took your dad . " She explained " Oh Ma " Billy cried as he held his mother in his arms . " I love you , always have . I know how you feel , somehow it is easier to remember dad as the wonderful man who was taken by aliens . At least now I can stop waiting for them to bring him back . " SightsnbytesJanuary 25 , 2014January 25 , 2014 My dad 's guitar He picked the Wildwood Flower and the Orange Blossom Special when I was a kid . Mom says that when dad used to play , I would kick up a fuss while in my crib . I would do this until he put the old Gibson Jumbo guitar away . Growing older , I used to love it when dad played music in the house . He bought all the picking records he could find , and just as he taught himself to play guitar , he taught himself to pick out the tunes as well . Years working , everything from a logger to a construction worker has all but ended his guitar playing . His fingers , twisted and gnarled from the abuse hard work tolls on a person can no longer move fast enough for him to play the way that he used to . The guitar that provided so many great times for family and friends now collects dust from hanging on the wall , a memory from the days that my dad made the strings ring to the hits of yesterday . Dad always sang while he played . His voice today is still as soft as it was back then , but he rarely sings anymore . Since he can no longer play the guitar , it is almost as if he hurts too much to sing . He doesn 't talk much about playing anymore . Just the other day my son asked if he would play him a tune . My dad quickly changed the subject and offered him candy instead . Often I feel selfish . Here I am with long slender fingers that are capable of typing over 70 words per minute on my computer , but yet I lack the skills to play his guitar . I wish for one moment I could offer the speed and limber of my fingers to my dad so that once again , he could play his heart out on the guitar . This is but a wish however , because knowing my dad and the kindness that his heart holds , he wouldn 't allow such a thing to happen , not even for one minute . I guess I am fortunate to have the memories of my dad 's tunes . As I sit here , my eyes closed , I am taken back to a time when I was but a wee child . My dad is sitting on the couch , the body of his jumbo guitar resting on one knee . His fingers work the strings like an expert , and the beautiful melody that is emitted from his instrument eases everything around me . Thanks for the music Dad . SightsnbytesJanuary 24 , 2014 a bitter end … as he plucked the strings on his old flattop guitar , it gave him time to think . At first he was glad that they let him bring it in here , but lately he was beginning to regret it . As he played his tunes , memories filled his mind . Memories about the life he once had , his loves and his kids . He thought about the way he handled his troubles , often turning to the bottle before turning to the woman who loved him . At first , booze made everything alright , but that didn 't last long . Eventually the booze brought its own problems , and then where did he turn ? That damn night ! If only he could relive it , everything would be different . Too much to drink , her cheating , the gun ; before he knew it , the deed was done . He finished the bottle and turned himself in to the police . Who would have thought that Big Roy Canning , a celebrity in this little town would sink low enough to end the life of his sweet little Madeline ? The trial was quick , his lawyer tried to get him off , but Roy threw himself at the mercy of the Lord himself and pleaded guilty . An angry and disappointed judge sent him in for good . At 57 , a twenty five year sentence was as good as a death sentence anyway . Now the world has forgotten him . All the gold records , all the fans … all gone . The man who hid behind the music was all that was left . His kids never forgave him , and aside from the occasional fame hungry reporter , Roy never had a visitor . These four walls were his only friends . Cold , damp and lonely , he sounded like a line from one of his hit songs . When he had days like this , he sat on the floor next to the dingy cement walls . With a small hook that he created from a broken fork , he scratched lyrics from songs he had written in to the walls . Writing always gave Roy a release from the harsh reality of the world outside , and for the last few years of his life , a release was just the thing that kept him going . The old crooner lived out the rest of his days in this old brick building . His body cremated , his ashes spread on Music Row by a few loyal fans who remembered him in the good old days . A few speckles of dust in the wind and Roy was gone . As for the many songs he wrote , so many of them brought joy and happiness to those who listened . While he lived out his life in prison , his songs hit the tops of the charts . Roy may have given up on himself , but his fans didn 't . The lyrics and music that he had written , especially the ones that he left for his fans … scratched on the prison walls were recorded by the newest artists , all proceeds left to his kids and their families . This was the last request that he made to the world ; a way to hopefully repay the world for all the trouble the old singer brought into their lives . SightsnbytesJanuary 24 , 2014January 24 , 2014 no place like home : Trifecta Years ago , my Aunt Bridgette met an American soldier and moved to California . She would write my grandmother a few letters , mostly bragging about her wealthy lifestyle and her rich husband . My grandmother was never impressed with her snobby sister , and the letters were seldom read . Nearly fourty years after she left , Bridgette decided to pay her relatives in Newfoundland a visit . She called ahead so that the family could prepare for her arrival . She instructed everyone that she no longer enjoyed boring food she ate as a child , and that the family had better ensure that proper food was prepared . . My grandmother made a pot of baked beans and molasses , and a few buns of white bread . Everyone was excited to dig into the food , more excited perhaps , than the visitor who requested the ' fancy ' food . When Bridgette stepped into the house , dressed in her fur coat and patent leather shoes , she became faint . My grandmother , being the older sister , rushed to her rescue and sat her sister at the table . When she came to , she turned up her nose at the food . My grandmother explained how she slaved over the stove for hours to make this meal , and the reply she got from her spoiled sister was ' How quaint ! ' . With that , using a fork and a knife , Bridgette cut one bean in two and ate it . She then left the table and went to her room . " Well , how about that ? She certainly changed ! When she was a kid , she could clean the entire pot in one sitting ! " My grandmother recalled . The next morning , when the kids got up for a baked beans and fried egg breakfast , they were surprised to find that the entire pot of beans was gone . Bridgette was found sleeping on the chair , bean sauce all over her face . My grandmother said " Well , ain 't that quaint , too stuck up to eat in front of us , but still as greedy as when she was young . " When I was a kid , my uncle used to paint cars . Back then , cars were cool , and the owners took special pride in just owning them . On one occasion , my uncle , who was much older than I was , and usually treated me like a small child even though I was almost eleven , asked if I would like to see his car . When he brought me into the garage , my eyes almost burst ! Here was his pride and joy , a 1969 Camaro , sitting as graceful as a swan under a spotlight that he had mounted on the ceiling . Below the car was a sign with pictures of the car 's progress from a junker to a work of beauty . He had the car painted cool black with red and orange flames running along the hood and on the sides of the car . Even at eleven , I knew this was cool . Every day I visited him , I would constantly talk about his cool car , almost to the point of driving him crazy . One day , while he was talking to a client about painting his car , I walked past him and onto the garage . When I got there , I saw smoke billowing from the garage door . Upon further inspection , I seen that his beautiful car was engulfed in flames . I ran out to warn my uncle . SightsnbytesJanuary 9 , 2014January 12 , 2014 Grappy and the cat I visited my grandparents ' old place today . I have to admit , it just wasn 't the same . Now that the two of them have passed , things sure have changed . The house where I remember them most belongs to a stranger now , and I don 't feel welcome there . The old fence my grandfather painstakingly built from longers ( To word guys like Archon , ' longers ' are long , thin lengths of trees used mostly for fences ) he carried on his back from the woods is but a memory ; a few lengths of the wood remain but most are rotted . The storehouse that he built over the cellar barely stands , but if you look closely , you can still see the red ochre paint that he used to add color to the trim . My dad remembers when his dad built the storehouse . " He spent a week digging a hole because mom expressed that she needed a place to store her fresh vegetables . Dad went out with pick and shovel and began digging . In no time , mom sent us to help him . With eleven kids digging , it didn 't take as long as we figured to dig a hole that measured 8 x 10 and over fifteen feet deep . We were lucky that the land was as rich as it was . We barely hit any rocks . " My dad went on to explain how my grandfather built a foundation around the hole , and then covered the hole with a floor of solid pine . Back then , pine grew abundantly on the island , and although it was a heavy timber , my grandfather used quite a lot of the stuff . " He would cut it with his bucksaw , stand it up in spring , and by summer he carried it home . " my father added . After the floor was built , my grandfather cut a hole in the middle and made a trap door so that the cold air stayed low . He built shelves in the shed to hold tools and other things that he wanted to keep away from his children . " He made us paint the thing . One thing about your grandfather , he never wasted a cent . He didn 't have the money to waste . The paint brushes , the bristles were so short that if you didn 't pay attention , you ended up applying paint with your hands . Bad for splinters ! " my dad said . I still love it when my dad reminisces about the ' old days ' . The shed stood for quite some time . My dad remembers when his mom complained that there was something stirring in the cellar , eating on the carrots . She asked if my grandfather could do something about it . His first plan was to shoot the thing , but seeing how it was pitch black down there , he feared that he would just shoot holes in the potatoes and carrots . His next idea was one that my dad still laughs about . " There was this stray cat . A big mean sucker . Ears half bit off , teeth missing . He was a bruiser . Dad used to be crazy because the damn thing used to piss on the house . That 's when the plan hit him . Catch the cat , toss him into the cellar , he eats the rat , problem solved . The cat had other ideas . " Dad went on . " I remember that day as plain as it was yesterday . Dad had no problem catching the cat . He dangled a piece of trout on a string and the foolish animal almost jumped in his arms . With that , dad carried the cat with him to the shed while the hungry animal fed on the fish . When dad tried to drop the cat into the hole , he panicked and the cat clung to him . Seeing how this wasn 't going to work , he got me to hold the cat while he climbed down the ladder . When he was so far down , I was supposed to pass him the cat and he would put him down gently in the cellar . Being a teenager at the time , I had better things to do than fool around with a sharp clawed savage , so rather than passing the cat to my dad , I dropped him past the open arms of my dad and into the hole . Being a cat , the old devil was fast . He caught the first thing he could on his way down and climbed up , claws out full force . The thing he clung to was my dad 's leg . Using my now very angry father as a ladder , he drove each claw into my dad , and scratched and clawed his way up to the top of the hole and ran away . My dad , bleeding and yelling his lungs out , wasn 't impressed . At the end of the day , he ended up going to town and buying some rat poison . On the bright side , the cat didn 't piss on the house anymore . We never seen the damn thing again . " My father laughed as he told the story . The roof on the old shed sags now , another winter will be the last . There are plans on bulldozing all my grandfather 's old buildings , including the storehouse . What good are those old rotten buildings to the new owners , people who don 't have the memories of the kindly old couple who sat on their creaky old front step sipping tea and greeting guests with their love and happiness ? Of course I have the memories of the place , I will always have that . SightsnbytesJanuary 6 , 2014January 7 , 2014 abandoned The floorboards creaked with our every step , as we attempted to quietly maneuver throughout the old house . The only light is a beam of light seeping in from a cracked window , the light filled with dust particles . On the table , beneath several layers of dirt and cobwebs sat on a few once coveted items . I picked up an i - Pad 6 and blew the dust off the thing , revealing an engraving on the back . ' To My Darling Eileen , The daughter of my dreams ' . In the living room things were much the same . A large television , perhaps measuring 90 inches or more hung on the wall , dust and cobwebs almost enveloping it completely . The once lavish chesterfield set sat against the back wall , the material now tattered from the chewings of some rodent , perhaps a rat . I attempted to scale the stairway that led to the bedrooms , but my journey was quickly halted when the first step gave way , causing my foot to fall beneath the boards , tearing my flesh . With fresh blood came the rats , as rabid and dangerous as you could imagine . My friend quickly bandaged my leg with a piece of cloth that she found on the table . " This will keep you safe from the vermin , but be careful ! " she warned . It wasn 't always this way . This town was once a beautiful place to live . Trees and shrubbery once adorned front lawns , and homes were proudly kept by the people who lived in them . Now the place looks as if it were abandoned hundreds of years ago . If that was only the case . Just one year ago , Cambridgetown was as it were in my dreams . Something caused this , and we were going to find out just what it was . SightsnbytesJanuary 5 , 2014January 6 , 2014 Welcomes and goodbyes As we ring in the New Year , I was alerted that a good friend had passed on . Joe was the owner of a nightclub where I played many weddings and dances . He was found dead in his nightclub following a sell out crowd the night before … at The Viking Lounge Annual New Years Eve Ball . Being a Disk Jockey , Joe was a mentor to me . I began working as a mobile disk jockey back in the early 90 's . Armed with a few hundred tapes and CD 's , and an assortment of equipment , I thought I knew it all . This was , of course until I played my first dance . The truth was , I knew nothing . I showed up at the small nightclub known as The Viking Lounge . I set up my equipment and once the crowd had gathered , I began playing music . Thinking that I knew it all , I played the top 40 songs that our local AM radio station played , figuring that the floor would be packed , shoulder to shoulder . What ended up happening was a lot of jeering and screaming from the crowd . This had been an annual banquet for the local dart league , and despite the fact that they were all drunk and in the mood to party , I was not equipped to entertain them . This was the longest six hours I ever withstood . When the party was over , Joe came over to talk to me . He said that he had been doing this for over twenty years , and that in that time , he learned a few things that helped him on nights like this . He sat with me and in the two hours that followed , he explained the ins and outs of the profession , as well as tricks that work to make the crowd want to party to the music . " It isn 't the music that gets them going " he said . " It 's how the music is presented and how you follow up on a song that keeps them on the floor . That 's your only goal of the night … keep them on the floor . If you are playing a song and everyone is dancing , you want this to continue . If they go sit down , you will work twice as hard to get them back on the floor . If you want to make a name for yourself in this business , word of mouth will either make you or break you . " I never forgot his words , and almost twenty five years in the business , they still ring true . Joe 's mother purchased the night club for him , and one for his brother when she received an insurance settlement from a bus accident . With his natural people skills , Joe was able to turn the new place into a success . People from the tiny community where the club was situated , as well as people from surrounding communities frequented the place whenever a community event , a wedding , anniversary or any public function was being held . Joe was a fantastic cook who made the best suppers for these events , and his kind staff made everyone feel welcome . I played the club many times , and every time , Joe and I had splendid conversations about the industry and about people . I will miss Joe . I know the place wont be the same without him . Good - bye old friend , I know that right about now you are serving drinks to the angels . |
/ 7 Comments A week ago today I got to do one of the rarest things that I ever get to do . I went to the bathroom alone , with the door closed , and nobody frantically called for me from outside the door . My daughter was still asleep and my husband had already left for work . Pee , peace , and quiet . Side note : I know moms always complain about not getting to go to the bathroom alone and I get it , I really do , but in the grand scheme of things I 'd much rather do other things by myself , like eat or shower . It would be nice to have a meal where I wasn 't constantly giving bites to my daughter so she could decide she wants some of it only to end up throwing food that I could have otherwise been eating onto the floor . And the last time my daughter joined me in the shower she dumped a pitcher of cold water down my back while I was shaving my legs , because she is the worst . Anyway , back to the toilet . So there I sat , basking in the silence of the morning , and watching in wonder as the second pink line appeared on the pregnancy test . And this was written a little over two months ago in the heat of summer with the air conditioner whirring constantly in the background . If all has gone according to plan , it is Halloween ( or Halloween - ish ) and blessedly chilly . Or at least not 90 degrees . This whole experience has been worlds different than the last time . Firstly , because being pregnant while also running after a toddler is a horse of a different color , but secondly , a lot of things are old hat . And speaking of old hats , did you know that once you hit 35 you get a shiny diagnosis of " Advanced Maternal Age " ? Yeah , that 's a thing I will be talking about in great detail next week . Happy Halloween everyone . I hope your children don 't notice when you pillage all their good candy . And I hope the walk around the neighborhood trick or treating puts them into a long and blissful sleep . / 0 Comments Two weeks ago , I would have told you that I was jealous of my friend * . That her life was perfect and that she had it all together . That her marriage was happy , her child was perfect , and everything had gone and was continuing to go exactly how she had planned it . She was the mom that I envied , that I compared myself to when I was in the weeds . " No , no no no . I have no clue what I 'm doing . Don 't do what I do . " We laughed , talked about other things , and went about our lives . She went back to work and I went back home and started dinner while my daughter sat at my feet begging me for chips . Facebook , Instagram , and the 24 / 7 flood of " look at me and how great everything is " makes it almost impossible not to do it . All we are seeing is the best side of people , their projected image of their life . Then we take all the parts of our life and compare how we are doing . Recently a mom I met online shared that she was feeling particularly terrible about how she parents . She complained that everyone she knows is doing it so much better than she is . That she has friends with multiple kids that work and go to the gym and have spotless houses and manage to get their kids to soccer on time . There she is with just the one child , no career outside the home , and can 't seem to manage any of it . And , why are some people so much better at this than others ? I immediately thought of my friend . Even the people that seem like they have it all together , don 't . At least , they don 't think that they do . Maybe it 's just that they show the best side to the rest of the world . Maybe it 's that the things that we fail at seem so much bigger than the things that they succeed at . Maybe we 're own worst critics . For the most part we all start out on the boat , dancing and having fun . Then come the kids , the boat shifts , and we all go into the drink . We 're all in bad shape once we hit the water , but some of us are better swimmers , or at least more graceful . Yeah , in the beginning we 're all drowning and swimming for that life boat . Some of us do it with grace , some of us flail around for a while , but we are all outside the boat and trying to get back in . Some of us just get there faster . So my message to other mom 's is this , don 't judge yourself based off of what other moms are doing . Maybe it seems like everyone else is doing the breaststroke while you 're helplessly doing a doggy paddle . Maybe you can 't even see the life raft . Maybe you 've decided that you are staying right where you are and the boat will just have to come to you , thank you very much . Parenting is all about survival mode . We 're all doing our best . It doesn 't have to be pretty or perfect or Instagram worthy . Our kids just have to be clean - ish , fed , and loved . That 's our job . / 2 Comments On the 19th I will turn 35 , making these my last few dying days in my early thirties . I thought I 'd approach this day with sadness at the loss of my blush of youth , regret for the things that I didn 't do with my life ( still haven 't written that Great American Novel , have I ? ) , and dread because now I 'm staring down the barrel of 40 ( 40 ? ? ! ? How did that happen ? ! ) . Plus , at 35 when people ask you what you want for your birthday , you actually get it . That 's probably because you are no longer asking for things like a trip to Cabo or a new car ( not that I ever asked for those things ) . My big wish this year was a writing workshop ( thanks hubby ) and a fancy bottle of salad dressing from a winery in the Finger Lakes that my parents visited last year ( thanks parents ) . Literally , all of my wildest dreams are coming true . * * * Oh , and I keep telling anyone that will listen how awesome an edible arrangement would be . Seriously people , one with the pineapples cut to look like flowers … maybe some chocolate covered strawberries … I mean , come on , I 'm almost 40 . * * * This is a much different approach than the one I took five years ago . The Lauren of my 20 's was a completely different beast . I am a few years older than my husband and on my 30th birthday I declared that I would spend the next few birthdays aging backwards until my husband and I were the same age , and then we could proceed forward together , as equals ( because that 's how aging works ) . I think I stuck with it for two years . By then the reality of being in my 30 's had sunk in and it wasn 't as bad as I thought it would be . Gone were many of the insecurities , struggles , and trials of my twenties . Financially , I was secure . I had put my time in as a bastion of light in the dark recesses of the mortgage industry . Most of what had happened in the early 2000 's had started to rebuild and I had found stability in my corner of the market . And things worked out perfectly for me to be able to leave said mortgage industry and stay home and wipe butts full time . Gone are the days of wondering how my ass looks in my jeans or what size dress I 'm wearing . My body is what it is . Sure , I happen to think I look terrific ( thanks mainly to awesome genes and a non - sedentary lifestyle ) . I am also not far enough removed from my teen years to remember how I felt about my looks back then . When I look back at old pictures , I realize that I was perfect . Same goes for every other period of life . In the moment , there was so much I wished was different , but when I look back I wish that I still looked the way I did then , as opposed to how I look now . I assume that trend will continue for the rest of my life . So I 'm going to go ahead and embrace how I look now and save myself the regret in five years when I think , " If only I looked as young , well rested , and fit as I did at 35 . Youth is wasted on the young , waaaaah . " And I love , and am loved , without insecurity . My husband and I have a solid foundation that I no longer question ( except , you know , when we move because that shit is for the birds ) . I don 't have to worry if I 'll ever find love , if I 'll die alone , how many cats I can reasonably have before I begin the descent into madness , I know the answers to all of those things now ( six , six is the maximum number of cats that I can handle at one time ) . And now I 'm wondering what the next five years will bring , and what the years beyond will bring . Will I continue to feel the same way about my life that I do about wine , that it 's better with food it gets better with age ? Will I continue to embrace my flabby backside as much as my crow 's feet ? So , happy almost birthday to me . And here 's hoping that I still feel this way in the harsh light of Thursday morning . When I 'm sure to wake up with a few new grays , a cake hangover , and tiny fingers feeling around inside of my ear canal . / 2 Comments Once , when I was about fifteen , I got very sick . I had been feeling poorly for a few days before I finally told my mother that I probably needed to go to the doctor . It was there that we received the diagnosis of a sinus infection coupled with bronchitis . I was given a prescription and strict instructions to go home and take it easy . And take it easy I did . My mother spent her days making sure that I had plenty of OJ and watermelon ( don 't ask me why , but I always want watermelon when I 'm sick ) . She ran out and bought me the good tissues , the ones that were two - ply and had lotion on them . The absolute best part was that she made , from scratch , my favorite soup and served it to me in bed and with a side of saltines . Now , I find myself having to sit down and try and catch my breath because I just stood for fifteen minutes ( apparently the absolute maximum effort I can expend ) . I had to make myself chicken noodle soup because somehow I ended up with strep throat . Strep throat which , by the way , I 've had for about a week already and didn 't do anything about except suffer in silence , because I thought that what I was experiencing was jaw pain from grinding my teeth during the two to four hours of sleep that my tyrannical toddler allows me each night . A toddler who , by the way , just does not give a single solitary shit that I 'm sick . She is too busy pulling my pants down while trying to get me to give her one of the carrots that I 'm cutting up for the soup . Not so that she can eat it , noooooooo , she wants to take a bite out of it and then hide the rest somewhere in the house for me to find later * . Being sick as a child relieves you of all responsibility . You don 't go to school , you don 't go to your afterschool activities , you don 't really even have to do homework if you don 't send someone to pick it up for you ( like a nerd ) . You just lay around and let someone ( mom ) hand you whatever you need to eat , drink , and make sure the remote and tissues are within your reach . You know what being sick is like when you 're a mom ? It 's like every other day except you feel like you actually might die while you 're making everyone 's lunch . And don 't get me wrong , you can ask your husband for help , and if he 's not sick he may actually give you some , but chances are that your kid is going to behave like an asshole and demand mom anyway because that 's what kids do . When you 're sick as a child your mom usually calls and makes your doctor 's appointment , drives you there while you 're all safely snuggled up in the back seat wrapped in your favorite blanket , and she sits in the waiting room alternating putting the back of her hand on your forehead or cheeks and giving you kisses . In other words , it 's all about you . When you 're a mom , chances are you had to lock yourself in the bathroom to even make the phone call to the doctor ( which hurt because you had to yell a little bit to be heard over the sound of your child frantically pounding on the door and screaming , " Mommy ! " ) . You have to get both yourself and your toddler dressed and into the car so that you can drive to the doctor 's office , where you spend the entire time comforting your damn kid who is now convinced that you are there for them and that they are about to get a shot . If your child is anything like mine , you also have to hold them and bounce them throughout your entire exam as they scream at the top of their lungs while you get poked and prodded in all your sore spots . Then , as a bonus , maybe they will scream the whole time you 're in line at the pharmacy window to pick up your prescription because they want crunchies . And the number one thing the doctor wants you to do ( right after drink lots of extra fluids ) , is now and always has been , to get lots of rest . I 'm assuming that he was able to hear my laughter above the sound of the screaming child . Okay , doc , I 'll get right on top of that . What part of this five minute glimpse into my life indicates that I 'm going to be going home and taking it easy ? I guess the moral of this story is don 't grow up . Stay young and cared for forever . Also , thank your moms . Because at some point they most likely had to take you to the doctor 's office when they were sick . And like the saying goes , sometimes the cure is worse than the disease . The smell hit him before he opened his eyes . The pain in his stomach had completely taken over any rational thought . In the early morning hours the sound of flapping wings and claws on the steel of the car pulled him out of his dreams . Or he thought they had . When he looked out the window , there was no sign of the nightmare birds . I 'm going insane , a small voice inside his head repeated , I 'm losing my mind . With shaking hands he pulled the picture of Lisa off the night stand and looked at it . Memorizing the color of her hair ( blonde ) , the shape of her face ( a perfect oval ) , and the small scar under her eye from an accident when she was a child . He wanted to remember every detail in case he never saw the picture again . When he was through he stood up and made the final walk out to the kitchen . The sun seemed brighter than it had all week . The cool mornings having finally given way to some of the summer heat and humidity . The smell was stronger now . Joe looked over at the kitchen table on his way to the door . Sunday night 's dinner sat there , still untouched . It was the last meal that he had even attempted to eat . He had pushed it to the middle of the table when he realized he wouldn 't be able to finish eating it . There it sat all week , rotting . Somehow he hadn 't noticed it since then , but he noticed it now . It buzzed with flies . Turning away from it he continued to the door . Both the smell and the sound of flapping wings were stronger now . At least he thought they were , Joe found he could no longer his thoughts . There was only one vulture , and maybe there had only been one all along . It sat on the trunk of the car watching Joe 's slow progress across the yard and to the drive way . Once he arrived the bird squatted down a bit and hissed , spreading his expansive wings wide . Joe did not shrink back this time , or hesitate , instead he came closer yet until the bird relented . Here , the smell was at its strongest . " Hello , this is 911 , what is your emergency ? " For a split second he considered hanging up , that he was making a mistake . The birds had been an apparition , they weren 't real . None of this was . Everything was fine . He would live a long and happy life , even if he lived the rest of it alone . Nothing bad was going to happen now . All of the bad had happened in the past . Instead he cleared his throat and gave the dispatcher his information . Without ending the call he dropped the phone on the ground . It took him a moment to get his hands to work , but he was finally able to put the key into the lock of the trunk . The familiar sound of the rustling of feathers sounded from overhead and Joe looked up at the birds , all lined up in the tree above the house , waiting , watching . With a weary certainty he opened the trunk . He had gotten used to the smell , after all he had been smelling it all week . However , upon opening the trunk it hit him again like it was the first time . Fat black flies flew out in spurts . Inside , the shape was almost unrecognizable . Blonde hair was matted to a misshapen head . Hair that Joe knew , after all , he would know his Lisa anywhere . In the distance the sirens sounded . The police would be here for him soon but he couldn 't look away from her . He had to remember every detail . He hadn 't meant for this to happen . He had only wanted to talk to her , to tell her not to leave , that he loved her . She didn 't understand , she wouldn 't listen to what he was saying . It wasn 't the first time they had fought and she had walked out . But it was the first time that he believed she wouldn 't come back , that it was truly over . It couldn 't be over , he loved her . He loved her so much . So he tried to make her stay . He did everything he could but in the end she only stopped when she fell . When she tried to get back up he pushed her down again , and again , and again . Finally , she did stay . Now she could never leave . The lights were just barely visible through the trees as the police came down the street . Even then , with the sirens at their loudest as the police pulled into the driveway , Joe was able to hear the sound of the birds . He looked up and watched as they flew away . Hundreds of them , they cast a shadow over the yard as they rose into the air . Joe raised his hands above his head as the officers instructed . They approached him cautiously , looking from him , to the trunk , to the sky where his eyes were still fixated . He made no attempt to respond to their inquiries and did not resist when they locked the handcuffs on his wrist . His eyes never left the empty sky . The first thought he had upon waking was that something was amiss . Everything was just as he left it , but at the same time , nothing looked as it should . Although early morning , the light was all wrong . The sun was too low , too close , too bright . It was as if it sat directly outside his window , shining just for him . It hurt his eyes and beat directly into his head . It acted as a spot light and directed his attention to the worst of the pain . His throat still throbbed dully , but it felt more like a tether that held together the two real pains , his head and stomach . Pressing the palms of his hands into his eyes , he rolled into a fetal position . This was it , he thought , something was seriously wrong with him . Between throbs of hot pressure Joe wept . He begged and pleaded for death , for the birds to finally take him . The birds roared from outside his window . Dozens of them flapping their large wings just out of sight , causing the curtains to stir . Causing the air to smell like the rotting flesh that stuck to their talons . He imagined it , bits of scavenged flesh , stuck on their feathers and claws . Rising heat was the only warning Joe had before he leaned over and let bile spew from his mouth . Sweet relief hit him immediately and the burning seemed to recede momentarily to some searing pinpoint within him . Click click click , came again from outside . Without cleaning up his mess he rolled back to the other side of the bed and pulled the covers up around him . There he remained , unmoving and unseeing , as the day went on . Time passed by and still he laid in that bed , the covers pulled up to his ears , trying to drown out the birds . The birds that had come for him . The birds that only he could hear . The end of chapter four . There were four birds sitting on the car when Joe looked out the window that morning . He had skipped his coffee and went straight to the sink to push back the curtain . They looked at him , as though they had been there all morning , just waiting for the curtain to move . He walked outside and waved his arms wildly at the car , trying to quietly chase the birds away . One took off immediately , two more fled when Joe was only a few feet away , but one remained , unfazed . It spread its massive wings as they both stood , stock still , neither willing to make the first move . Finally , with a hiss , the bird caved in and launched itself unceremoniously into the sky . Joe 's eyes followed it for a moment before his entire body went ridged . His mind went blissfully blank as his body stiffened , shook , and then collapsed . Not much time had passed , the sun was still low in the sky and the air held onto the early morning chill . At first Joe thought he was still in bed and had dreamt the whole weird scene with the birds . Maybe it had all been a dream and he would find himself snuggled up with Lisa , both of them wishing for just a few more hours in bed together . When he turned his head to look at the clock on his nightstand ( next to Lisa 's picture ) , the pain brought him back to reality . He was still in his front yard , shielded from the street by a row of arborvitaes and trees that he had never known the name of . The front yard was mostly secluded . He could have laid there for days and no one would have noticed . Slowly he sat up and felt around his head . His fingers came away clean . Once he was satisfied that he wasn 't badly injured , and wouldn 't fall back down , he rose up and headed back inside the house . His vision warped in and out on him but he made it back to the bedroom without further incident . From the safety of his bed he used his cell phone to call the office and let them know that he was coming down with something and wouldn 't make it in today . Squeezing his eyes closed he tried to make his head stop swimming . The pain in his throat had also returned but it was nothing compared to the burning in his stomach . Rolling onto his side he laid in his bed staring at the photo of Lisa . Outside there was a click click click but he ignored it . He watched her until his eyes gave out and eventually closed . Once he was asleep the dreams came . At first they were pleasant . They were of the two of them when they first started dating . The memories that they consisted of were not real , the events had not actually taken place . They had never stayed in a cabin on a lake , yet that 's where the dreams took him . The two of them sitting on a dock at sunset , watching as deer came out from the woods and down to the water to take a drink . Lisa 's head on Joe 's shoulder , the two of them sitting n happy silence . The birds were flying overhead and into the distance . Their silhouettes against the sun , casting shadows over the water , gentle chirping fading with the light . In his room , Joe tossed and turned . No chirping had followed through his dreams , but there were birds here as well . Through the window came the soft flapping of wings on the wind and the occasional scraping as the birds touched down outside the house . Click click click . Their numbers grew as Joe slumbered on . He and Lisa , together once more , in his dreams . It was another cool morning and Joe was having a hard time getting out of bed . The windows had been left open again last night and a chill had settled in the house . He laid in bed with the blankets pulled up around his shoulders , glad that he had yet to swap out his winter flannel sheets for the lighter cotton ones . To add to his troubles , had woken up with a sore throat as well . He took a moment to consider calling out of work , he could blow a personal day and just lay in bed for the rest of the day . Thinking better of it , he kicked off the covers and got up to start his day . All the bones in his back cracked as he stretched out the kinks from the night before , the crack crack crack the only noise inside the small bedroom . His eyes flitted over to the nightstand where a framed photo sat next to a glass of water . Reaching out he took the water without giving the frame more than a passing glance . There was no need to look too closely at the picture , he had every detail memorized . The long honey colored hair that hung just past Lisa 's shoulders . The small scar on her right cheek . The large happy smile . Putting the water back on the night stand he cleared his throat . It took a moment or two before he was able to push the painful memories out of his head . The thoughts had nearly paralyzed him . The longing and sadness warming his chest and creating a hot lump that he could not swallow down . But it passed , he had gotten better at swallowing his feelings down . The sadness , the anger , the shame . Joe found himself once again lost in thought at the kitchen table when the sound came . Click click click through the kitchen window . He was tempted to stay where he was and not look upon that ugly visage again , but curiosity won out . As Joe rose he swayed slightly , his vision clouding for a moment . " Woah . " He whispered as he steadied himself on the back of the chair . The sore throat from earlier this morning had abated but with the darkening vision the pain came back . He cleared his throat and moved to sit back down when the click click click came again . Click click click . Walking to the window , Joe pulled back the curtain . The bird from yesterday was back , but he was not alone . There were now two of the large carrion birds sitting on the roof of his car . Both of them had turned towards the movement when he pushed back the curtain . Their beaks seemed larger than they should be as they glared at him . Joe cleared his throat once more , maybe a little louder than he normally would have , hoping to startle them away . Instead they looked back at him with mild interest . The darkness threatened to cloud his vision again as he stood there . Joe hung his head as he gripped the sides of the sink and closed his eyes , willing the darkness away . After a moment his vision cleared and he looked out the window , the birds both gone now , as if they had never been there in the first place . Filling a glass with water he took a few deep gulps and looked warily at his car . When he was sure that neither the birds , nor the darkness , were going to return he put the glass in the sink and left for work . The driveway sat empty until dark . Joe pulled in and turned off the engine , sitting quietly in the dark for a moment before making a move to go into the house . He was still shaken up from what had just happened in the parking lot at work . He had felt poorly all day . The dizziness coming and going . After considering leaving early to go home and rest , he decided to stick it out . When the day had finally come to an end and he was able to walk out that door he was relieved . But that relief was short lived , because as he walked through the semi - dark parking lot to get to his car he discovered that he was not alone . Something moved quickly near his car . A moment later his eyes had fully adjusted to the gloom and he saw what had caused the movement . A vulture had been sitting in the shadow of his tire . The vulture , having seen Joe , crouched down and spread its wings wide and shifted its weight from side to side , click click click . Joe stopped in his tracks . He and the bird remained motionless , their eyes locked together . A hiss came from the bird , low and angry . A warning to Joe , " Don 't come closer " it said . Or , Joe thought , maybe it was saying , " Come on in . It 's cool in here . It 's cool and dark . " An invitation . Stomping his foot and breaking eye contact he waved the bird away and hissed back , " Get lost . " The bird held his ground for one more moment before pushing off and taking flight . The sound of the large wings flapping through the otherwise quiet night made Joe shudder . Now Joe sat in his driveway , trying to shake the fear he felt in opening the door to get into his house . He was beginning to feel poorly again , and although the night air was cool , his skin felt flushed . In the end , the desire to get in and lay down outweighed his fears . He pushed himself out the car and into the house . Once inside the house the fear abated and he almost felt silly . Maybe it wasn 't a vulture in the parking lot . It was dark and he hadn 't been feeling well . Hadn 't been feeling well for a few days now , actually . Maybe I am coming down with something , he thought as he walked through the house turning on a light in each and every room . Joe pulled the covers up to his neck as he got into bed later that night , shivering slightly at the cold air coming through the window . He was suddenly exhausted and desperate for sleep . His eyes fluttered twice before he closed them for good . Just before his conscious thoughts slipped away for the evening , he registered two things . The first was that the pain in his throat had spread down , sending an unfamiliar burning towards his stomach . The second was that in the distance , he heard the flutter of wings and a soft click click click . Joe was sitting at the kitchen table when he first heard the noise . It was so quiet that at first he didn 't even notice . He had been sitting still , lost in thought . His hand wrapped around his cooling cup of coffee . It was early summer and most mornings were still cold enough to need a jacket . Although the night had been chilly , he had left the windows open throughout the house . The noise was now coming through one of those open windows . A steady click click click came softly through the kitchen window . Joe rose and walked to the sink and pushed the curtains aside . Outside it was early morning and the sun was shining through the trees . A slight glare was reflecting off of his car . Shielding his eyes , he tried to locate the source of the noise . It didn 't take too long . Perched on the roof of his car sat a very large bird . No , Joe thought , not just a bird , a vulture . As if naming it had called his attention , the vulture looked towards the window where Joe stood . It shifted its weight and stepped side to side , issuing another click click click . An involuntary shudder went through Joe as he watched . The vulture sat as tall as a medium sized dog . Its wings were pulled up around its neck . A neck which held up a hideous red face that was looking in Joe 's direction . A darkness seemed to seep towards the car . Shade fell over the house and over the vulture . Spreading his wings wide , the bird flapped twice and then took off into the air , not bothering to cast another look back in Joe 's direction . Joe 's hand was still holding back the curtain as he watched the massive bird fly up into the sky . The darkness had receded and the sun was shining back down as if it had never left at all . The bird continued to rise up until he was out of sight . Joe only gave the bird one more thought as he let the curtain fall back into place and dumped his half full coffee mug into the sink . That can 't be a good sign . Turning back to the recently vacated table he tried to remember what he had been doing before he 'd noticed the clicking . A dull headache bloomed slowly behind his eyes . Rubbing his temples , he looked around again . He 'd been getting ready to leave for work and thought of something he had to do but he had forgotten it just as quickly . Lisa always said that he was good for that , losing his train of thought . Sometimes she would tell him that his thought train had crashed . Lauren Wellbank Lauren Wellbank is a thirty something wife , mother , and recovering cat enthusiast . When she isn 't too busy doing those things , she writes . Lauren 's work has also been featured on scarymommy . com , huffingtonpost . com , yummymummyclub . ca , sheknows . com , and blogher . com . |
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Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author . Table of Contents It 's dark , and I am locked in a cage . The man in uniform said he was taking me to a better life . Could 've fooled me . I am alone and sleeping on a cold , steel floor at night . There are other dogs whimpering around me . Yeah , not a great life . Granted , I am getting fed regularly . Check . I also have people coming so see me . Check . I am kept warm in here . Check . Some of these people are nice and they pet me . I get let out of the cage now and then , and people will hold me and pet me . They put me in a little room with these people and they try to pet me some more . That 's kind of nice , only , there are so many smells in that room . I can 't control myself . Someone 's already marked it … . I have to leave mine too ! One of the kids screamed when I did that ; I must 've aimed a little too close to his leg . Oops . They didn 't stay long . Back to the cage I went . But on the way , who should I see but one of the big dogs . They think they 'll bully me because I 'm small . No sir . Not me . I 've scared many people away with my bark . I can bark louder than the biggest of dogs . And if they try to get too close , oh , I 'll take one of their heads off . Believe me . It hasn 't gotten to that yet , but I 'll be ready . Like I said , the food comes regularly , and that 's kind of nice , but I must say , it 's not as tasty as some of those foods I found while on the run . Hang out behind the right restaurant or outside the right house , and something tasty is bound to fall out of an overflowing trash can or get thrown at me by a careless restaurant worker . I 'll take it all , and some of it is still warm . So , yeah , there are a few perks , but I 'm starting to think this is no better than the freedom I had . That , and it is awfully lonely in here at night with no sound but the whining of some of the younger dogs or first night dogs . None of us likes to think about our first night . Some of us don 't want to think about why we 're here , either . Chapter 2 I wasn 't always a homeless , lone dog . My life started out in a small , cozy home in South Carolina . I had a family with a mom , a dad , a young boy , and an even younger girl . I was taken from my own family because , as they said , my " father was a tramp and a scoundrel . " My mom was " pedigreed , " a pretty little fluffy dog . They used to make a fuss over my cute , fluffy tail , saying that was the one thing I inherited from her . I guess the rest of me was too plain . Someone said I had to go , and so did my brothers and sisters . I 've never seen them since . My new family was so happy when they first saw me . The old family had placed an ad , and these people came to look at us . Two of my brothers were already gone . " We have to get a male , " the man said . So the owner pointed me and my brother out . The woman pointed at me . " How cute ! I can 't believe he 's free , " she said . " Yep , Laurie . It 's a great deal . My kind of deal , but we 'd have to pay for vet bills . " Misha must 've been the little girl , because they were both looking at her . There was a boy , but Misha had to be the one who was holding me and petting me between my ears . I was , of course , eating up all the attention . I already loved this little girl , and she would grow to be my best friend . As I grew , I would run off now and then . There was so much that seemed to beckon me . I 'd always go back for Misha . But I really loved chasing after girl dogs . Hey , I am a dog , after all . Laurie and Ed , that was his name , would act really inconvenienced and talk about getting me " fixed . " What did that mean ? Would it hurt ? He did sort of have a mean tone when he said it . I wasn 't so sure about this Ed character . After all , I always came back . There was no need to be drastic . One time , I guess I was gone too long . Ed lost it . I mean he seriously LOST his cool . He was always twitchy anyway , but I guess this time really pushed him . I know little Misha was worried and crying , but I think Ed went too far . It was just an adventure for me . I didn 't mean to upset Misha or Ed or anyone else for that matter . I 'd just go and run , dodging the cars , crossing the street , and sometimes running into some stray dogs . They had no human family . They 'd look down on me like I was " owned , " but they 'd probably never know my feeling of belonging . I had a home , a place I 'd return to within the hour . This time , I had grown tired of the strays and entered an unknown neighborhood , where Lady and her owners sat on the porch . I ran up to Lady , nosing and sniffing her , planting my paws on the ground and growling playfully . Her owners were nice but they distanced me from her a couple of times . I was just so excited ! One of them said the word , " home , " and I briefly thought of Misha . She 'd be missing me by now . Which way was home anyway ? I wasn 't sure Lady 's owners were quite nice . One of them went inside . Soon , Ed drove up with Laurie and Misha in the car . He dragged me by the collar all the way to the car and slammed the door . Misha was happy and hugging me all over . But Ed had an edge to his voice , worse than usual . " Bad dog , " he said , bopping me on the nose . Misha just hugged me tighter . Ed said nothing to her . Lady 's owners looked worried , standing on their porch , watching us leave . They seemed a little scared to let me leave with this guy . There was something in Ed 's tone of voice . I was just as glad to see Misha as she was to see me , so much so that I forgot about Lady dog . All in all , it had been a good day , except for the look in Ed 's eyes . He kept glancing back at me and Misha as he drove . Later , when we got home , he sent Misha to her room . " No , Daddy ! " " He 's been bad . You don 't need to be here to see this . " He grabbed me by the collar again . It was very uncomfortable . That told me everything ; I didn 't need to know what his words meant . Crying , Misha closed her bedroom door upstairs . I felt a growl rise up in my throat . Shame on him for making her cry ! Mind you , I was just shy of a year old , but my instinct was to hurt whoever hurt her . Curse that Ed . He didn 't need my protecting . First , there came a blow to the head , apparently from his hand . I couldn 't do much ; his other hand had me by the collar . All I could do was whimper . " Never , ever run off again ! " He let me go , and I cowered in a corner , but I 'd be ready to pounce if he raised his hand again . He walked over to me with his belt in his hand . This was trouble . " You run off again , and this is what you get , to the back ! " I growled . He pushed over the chair I hid behind . " You dare to growl at me ? " His face got even redder . I couldn 't help it , he was raising the growl out of me . The whole situation made me feel really threatened . He spat at me , " You nasty little cur ! " With that , he left the room . I quietly slinked out of the doggie door in the kitchen . Laurie came out and found me sulking , so she came over to pet me , but I stood and , flinching , wouldn 't let her pet my head . " It 's okay , Woofie , I won 't hurt you . " She picked me up and put me in her lap . So I let her pet me . Ed 's voice came from the kitchen , though . " Leave that dog alone ! He has to learn his lesson . " " Sorry , Woofie . I have to follow directions . " Laurie put me down , and I sulked in the corner again . How could she stand that man ? I could 've left then , Lord knows their screen door latch was no good and I could 've gotten it open . Instead , I waited for Misha to come down . She finally did , and she was still crying . This was the reason I stayed here with this family . Sure , Ed and Laurie fed me , and Laurie did seem to care , but it was Misha who loved me . If I could 've taken that girl away from there , I would have . Instead , I stayed and befriended her , giving her a shoulder to lean on when her dad was cross with her or her parents were arguing . I looked at Ed through wary eyes , always on my guard around him . I really hope he is being good to Misha . Sadly , I may never know . Ed and Laurie had a decent house , but it was old . And why didn 't they have a working smoke detector ? Ed said something about a " landlord . " One night , I smelled smoke and heard a weak beep . It was that sorry smoke detector . Three beeps and it died . The first thing I did was run to Misha 's bed and nudge her . She was the most important thing to me . She ran right away to her parents ' room . Finally , the alarm sounded loudly . It was earth shattering and piercing , just as the first flames appeared when we raced down the stairs . I must 've been whimpering ; Ed told me to shut up . Misha was crying too , and so was Laurie . He didn 't tell them to shut up . Laurie grabbed her handbag by the EZ chair and Ed grabbed her arm . " Come on ! " We were all out the door in no time flat , and they put me in the back of the truck . " Wait , Laurie ! The firemen are here . " Ed got out , and Laurie just leaned back in the car , looking defeated . She ran a dirty looking hand across her forehead , leaving a streak . Misha climbed up front and leaned against her mom 's shoulder . Looking through at them in the truck 's cab , I felt left out . Everyone had forgotten me . Still , I waited patiently . Someone would remember I was here . For that night , and several to follow , we were staying at someone else 's house , since Ed and Laurie 's house was destroyed . Well , they were staying at someone else 's house . I , on the other hand , was tied up in the back of the truck . Yes , it was as bad as it sounds . At least Misha would walk me once in a while . People would pass by and pet me , but some of the neighbor boys threw rocks at me . I really growled when they moved closer . It serves them right . Man , it was really rough when it rained . I 'd hide under a tarp Ed had in the back of his truck . I could tell the weather was turning colder . One morning , the screen door slammed . Out came Ed , with Misha behind him , crying . " Get back in there , Misha , " he ordered . " He 's been scaring the neighbor kids , and we need to be able to stay here . " " They were being mean to him ! " Misha ran up to me and gave me a hug , which made me feel really good , but I didn 't like that look in Ed 's eyes . " Let him go , Misha , " he said . " Say your goodbyes . He 's gonna get a new family . He 'll be fine . " He gently put his hand on her shoulder . Then he got in , started the truck , and pulled out of the driveway . Misha sat on the front stoop , tears running down her face . I still don 't understand why it had to be that way . It seemed to be hours before he stopped the truck . We were in front of a house , only , it didn 't look like any family lived there . He left me standing in the driveway . No one came out to greet me . Where was my new family ? I could run anywhere I wanted now , but I didn 't want to . I sat there for a moment , not realizing right away that the joke was on me . And what a cruel joke it was . Ed 's truck raced off into the darkness . Did he realize he left me here all alone , in front of an abandoned house ? Would he come back ? So now I was left to fend for myself . Gone were the days when Misha held me like a baby wrapped in a blanket , tucking me into her doll crib . No one filled my bowl before I got hungry . I had to search , and search I did . After sniffing the front door of the house where Ed left me , I became aware of the reality before me . No one was going to feed me , I had to feed myself , and I wasn 't getting into that house for shelter either . Staying here was not the answer . Even poor little Misha had no real home now . I don 't know who those people were at the new house , but it was apparent Misha , Ed , and Laurie would not stay there forever . Plus , the owners made it clear I was not welcome . I must have looked a horrible mess . As I got closer to town , the place with a lot of lights , more buildings , parked cars and moving cars , I also saw some people . They seemed to look on me with pity and disgust . " Ah ! What a mangy mutt . Don 't touch him , Cleo . " A woman in rags spoke to a young man , also in rags . They looked as if they 'd been left out and rained on themselves . I thought they 'd sympathize , but it was clear from their tone that mangy was a bad thing , and that I was not welcome . " Right ! ' E might be rabid . " His tone of voice made me growl , and he kicked at me . I kept on moving . An older woman was sitting on a curb near a convenience store . She looked at me with tired eyes . " You okay , little feller ? " She reached into her pocket . She looked to be covered in rags , just like the people I 'd just encountered . She didn 't smell like them , though . Food ! I smelled it ! It looked like crumbled bread , but I was glad to have it . She gave me all that was in her hand , then patted me on the head . I kept sniffing her hand , hoping there might be more , but there wasn 't . I couldn 't smell any food on her anywhere now . " I 'm sorry , little guy . There 's no more . " She had given me the last of her food . Suddenly , I wondered if there might be more food tomorrow . My belly still rumbled , but she kept petting me and it felt wonderful . I could sense a gentle heart in her . There was no way I 'd leave now . Chapter 4 Darkness passed , and the sunrise found me nestled under her arm . I 'm not sure who was warming who , but there was a chill in the air , and this helped . Her name was Rosie , and we were becoming fast friends . I had heard others refer to her in this way . " Get up , Rosie . " " The street sweeper 's coming , Rosie . " She was proud of me and told them we had found each other . So , I guess this was my new family . It is not what I pictured when I thought of family , but yet , she was mine , and I belonged to her . Not all of the voices were friendly . " Get up ! Off the sidewalk . This is my block ! " A deep , male voice belonging to a tall , scruffy man bellowed at us . I snarled . Why would anyone talk to this sweet old woman in that way ? I bared my teeth , ready to bite if necessary . Rosie said , " Poopsie , calm down . " Then , she picked me up . Poopsie ? Where 'd that come from ? I couldn 't stop barking at the man . He kept pushing the issue with Rosie . It seemed as if they 'd met before . She spoke to him in a weak , timid voice . She started walking , so I followed , occasionally turning to bark at him . Luckily , he didn 't follow us . If he did , he 'd find trouble . Still , he was a lot bigger than I was . We entered an alleyway that was rich with all sorts of smells . Rosie put me down and I explored . She started digging in a trash can which smelled of food and other dogs . So I had to mark it , too . " Poopsie , eww , no ! " She half laughed as she said it . I was familiar with that word , no , but I wasn 't sure why she said it , so I quickly forgot . My eyes got wide when her hand came out of that trash can . " Here , Poopsie ! " She dropped a chunk of tasty meat which I caught in my mouth . Then , she wrapped up some more in a bag and put it in her coat pocket . " Some for later , " she said with a smile , reaching down to pet me . Just then , a harsh voice screamed out at us from the back door . " Buzz off ! Tramps ! " Funny , I 'd been called that before . Rosie led me behind a dumpster , putting her finger to her lips . " Shhh . " Then , she sat down and patted me on the head and back . I rested my head on her leg . My thoughts wandered to the rest of the food in her coat pocket . She wanted quiet time though , I could tell . A little while later , the back door of the restaurant opened again . " Pssst ! " It was a woman 's voice . Rosie got up and away from our hiding place . I followed . It was an older woman with dark pants , a white shirt , and an apron , holding a box of the best smelling food ever . " Shhh . " She held her finger to her lips just like Rosie had done . A smile came across Rosie 's face . " Thank you , " she whispered . The other woman put her finger to her lips again , and handed the box over to Rosie . What an angel . She tiptoed back into the restaurant . The cranky old man was none the wiser . I guess Rosie knew what she was doing here . Some secrets are best kept as secrets . Chapter 5 I became Rosie 's steadfast companion . She needed me , and I just loved her gentle soul . Sometimes I could sense just how much she needed me , because her life was a little rough for such a kind - hearted person soul . The first night it happened I was on pins and needles . We had found our little nook in a corner behind a dumpster , tucked underneath her blankets , when , Pop ! A startling noise made me jump . This couldn 't be good ; I felt Rosie jump too . Pop ! It went off again . Rosie grabbed me tightly , and wedged behind the dumpster even further , gripping me in a way I 'd normally dislike , but it seemed necessary now . Heck , I was even glad for it . Mind you , I 'm a tough puppy , but those sounds were even scaring me . We saw a man in dark clothes run past the dumpster and down the alley , hopefully going somewhere and not coming to hide where we were . Sirens wailed . We just huddled together , both of us shaking . I had never heard anything like that at Ed and Laurie 's house . I 'd heard Rosie talk , though , about " this rough neighborhood . " She didn 't seem completely happy here . I know she would 've liked Ed and Laurie 's house , but it was no use thinking about them now . Hanging out with Rosie was certainly much better than being stuck in the back of that truck . She held me tight and shielded me from the pops , the rain , and nasty men who hated dogs . Let just one of them try to harm her , though , and I would bite his head off . So , I guess I was her shield , too . As the weather grew cooler , Rosie hung out in a tent in what appeared to be a little tent village down closer to the river . There were a lot more people around , so no more hiding behind dumpsters . I kind of missed the smells , but I can tell you , she slept a lot better . It was late one night when a stranger came into the tent . A tall , lanky man , he was rummaging through Rosie 's things . A growl rose in my throat , waking Rosie . She hollered at him , but I got in between her and the man , who was cursing and raising his voice . He seemed to be growling himself . MyShe was right ; he didn 't come back . I wondered how she fared before she had me around . What kind of man would go in and steal from a kind , gentle little woman like Rosie ? There was definitely something bad in his heart . I got defensive now any time a man came around her . " This one 's not bad , " she 'd say , but I wasn 't taking any chances . No one was going to try to take advantage of my Rosie again . Chapter 6 Let it be known , just for the record : I really hate Winter . It is cruel and unfair . And we were in a tent now ! I could just imagine what it would have been like behind a dumpster . Rosie had one sleeping bag and one blanket that she allowed me . During the day , we 'd go to shelters where they gave out scarves , knitted hats , and thick socks . She put socks on all my feet one night ! I would have felt ridiculous , except , it did keep me warmer . She went down to the shelter with me one cold , frigid , night . We could see our breath in the air . I swear it was about to turn to ice . They wouldn 't let her in ! They wouldn 't let her in because of me . She held me in her arms and wouldn 't put me down , pleading with them in her kindest voice , " Please , he won 't be any trouble . " If I could talk , I 'd tell her to go on . I would wait for her . I 'd run back to the tent and huddle under the blankets . Someone out there probably had a fire going . Rosie didn 't like it by the fire because it bothered her cough even worse . Well , the cold didn 't help either . They turned her away , and away she went , because she didn 't want to leave me alone . " It 's okay , Poopsie , you can help keep me warm ! " She nuzzled me with her nose . It was cold . I licked it , hoping that might help . We walked along , and her breathe was like frost in front of her . I could feel her shiver . A kind , young man walked up and handed her a cup of warm coffee . She held it up to me like she might share , but I 'll be honest , the smell didn 't appeal to me . " Thank you , young man ! " He gave her some spare change and walked away . Rosie put it in her pocket and gently placed me on the ground . She had a rope on me , attached to a collar . I wasn 't going anywhere , anyhow . Although , sometimes another stray dog could inspire me to chase after them . Rosie knew that , too . She stood for a moment , sipping the cup and enjoying the warmth . I saw a shiver run deeply through her . " We 've gotta go , Poopsie . Just one more sip . " I was shaking from the cold , too . She took one more sip , then gave the rope a slight tug . A little of her coffee spilled . We walked a few paces , then she stopped for a sip , and dropped the rest into the trash can . " No time to waste . It 's getting colder by the minute . Brrrr . " Rosie picked me up once again , and I was so glad to feel her holding me closer , her heart beat against mine , with her arms around me . We would keep each other warm . A bitter looking , tall young man growled , " Watch where you 're going , old woman ! " " Keep that beast to yourself , woman , " the man bellowed . Luckily he was gone not long after that , or I might have really tried to put him in his place . There were villains everywhere in this town . But I wouldn 't let any of them hurt my Rosie . Of course , I might have lost my head and chased after this guy , and then Rosie would try to find me , delaying her return to the relatively warm tent . I am prone to losing my head every now and then , so I 'm glad it didn 't happen this time . At about this time , I was really ready to get back to the tent , too . Darkness was moving in quickly . Rosie was getting tired . We were so close ! She put me down and guided me with my makeshift rope / leash . Her feet were moving more slowly . They must have been cold , because I know mine sure were . Finally ! I saw the smoke from the campfire our " neighbors " had set up , just like they did every night . There were a good number of people around the fire , including that guy who tried to raid our tent that one night . He sure knew to keep his distance now , though . A few hellos were said , but we made our way to the tent . Rosie grabbed a blanket , and we headed back out to the fire . We sat on the opposite side of George , the one who had raided our tent . Rosie knew to stay away from him as well . The fire was a little bit helpful . I was snuggled close to Rosie in her arms , covered by most of the blanket . She held me tight , and moved closer to the fire , trying to warm up . " Maybe this 'll warm up our blanket , too , " she whispered . I couldn 't complain . Anything to make us warmer had to be a great idea . In a few minutes , something was burning . " Rosie , " another old woman exclaimed . Rosie had dozed off . I was getting pretty sleepy , too . Apparently a corner of the blanket was too close to the fire and was smoldering . The other woman stomped on it . It left a charred looking corner . " If I wasn 't watching , your blanket would 've caught on fire ! " " I 'm tired , Sara Jean . We better go get to sleep . I 'm s - sorry . Thank you . I 'm really , just , tired , " Rosie struggled to say . She led me by my rope leash to the tent , which still felt colder than being around the fire . Still , the fire had to be put out at some point . We lay in a heap in the corner , with sleeping bag and blanket . Rosie had taken out some socks and put them on my feet . She had been saving them up from different shelters . In the middle of the night , Rosie had a horrible coughing spell that woke me up . I rested my chin on her shoulder and looked at her face . At first , she was just coughing in her sleep , then the coughing got so loud it even woke her up . She went to the tent opening and said , " Poopsie , I 'm going out by the fire . You can stay . " I knew the word " stay , " and I didn 't want to leave this blanket , but I wasn 't letting her go alone . So , we dragged ourselves out by the fire . When I got up , she grabbed the blanket again and put it around her shoulders . This time she stood , warming her hands by the fire , keeping the blanket away from the flames . After a while , we went back to the tent , Rosie still coughing now and then . I wanted to help her , but there was nothing I could do to make the coughing go away . The next day , we ventured into town again , looking for food . She went to the soup kitchen and asked someone to hold my leash while she got her soup . When she came out , she gave me half her bread and let me have the last few licks from her soup cup . It was good , and I sure wished there was more . Later , she stopped in the alley at the back of the Chinese restaurant . The man we trust was working . He spoke in a way we couldn 't understand , but it was friendly , I could tell . He always brought something out , sometimes even leaving an open trash bag so we could take what we wanted . We made away with several half - eaten eggrolls , most of which Rosie fed me right away . She knew I was hungry ; she was good at that . There was also a lot of meat in one container , and a bit of rice . Rosie said we 'd have that for dinner . She went to another shelter , and we stood in line to get a scarf . It was clean and warmer than the one she was wearing . By the time we were done , it was late afternoon , and cars were crowding the streets . It was even colder on this day , so we rushed back to the tent . Yes , it sure was better than the back of a dumpster , but it got a hole in it at one corner at some point . It made these winter nights even more of a challenge . Chapter 7 We spent our usual time by the fire , but it was cut short by Rosie 's coughing , so we retired early , snuggling up against each other and into the blankets . Rosie snored quite loudly , and it wasn 't long before she was sitting up with a coughing spell . It seemed to calm in a short while , and she lay back down again . I heard her coughing again and again , and I really wished there was something I could do . I just snuggled close , and hoped it would comfort her . At one point , she coughed really loudly , and sounded like she couldn 't breathe well . She didn 't sit up , though . I went out to the tent opening and whined , hoping someone would come to help . I really didn 't want to go too far from her . It didn 't work . Some of them just looked at me with tired eyes . So I ran out and nudged one of the older men and tipped my head toward the tent , pointing my body that way and hoping he would follow . Finally , he did . I ran in to Rosie 's side and nudged her arm . She was very quiet . She didn 't feel right , and she didn 't sound right . " Oh , no . No ! " The man held his hands to his face . " She 's not breathing , " he whispered , picking up her hand and holding it . He went to the tent opening and hollered , " Somebody help ! " I really hoped they could get her the help she needed . I licked her face , hoping it would wake her up . A big truck came a while later and took her away . The old guy , Sam , patted my head and gave me a cracker . It didn 't taste too good , but he was being nice to me . I guess that helped . I waited around the tent . Sometimes I 'd sit by Sam when he was by the fire . It was awfully cold , and I was terribly lonely . " She 's not coming back , Poopsie , " Sam said . Why wouldn 't she come back for me ? Was she that sick ? This was worse than the day Ed dropped me off at the abandoned house . I wandered the streets on my own during the day , stopping at our usual restaurant back alleys , waiting for a familiar face . Sometimes it worked . Other times , it didn 't . Maybe I just blended in with the other strays . Sometimes trash would spill over and fall out of the trash can , leaving me a treat or even enough for dinner . I met a lot of fellow dogs this way . One day I met a lovely dog at the park . I enticed her away from her owner and their children . They got her away from me as soon as they could , though . Nobody wants their beautiful lady dog hanging out with a rascal like me . I was a rascal , too . I got in fights , bared my teeth , and intimidated any other dogs who tried to steal my food . It was all about survival now . A long stick in a big man 's hands could scare me away , though . It happened a few times . And did I mention how cold it was at night ? Cold and lonely . It seemed there was no one out there like Rosie . She had been my one true friend . Then one day , I was captured . They put me in a truck . Was I going to see Rosie ? That wouldn 't be so bad . No , they didn 't take me to see Rosie . I wasn 't sure what to think about this place they took me . There were a lot of dogs , and some of them were horribly loud when I first got there . It was scary . The people who brought me in were nice enough to me , but they put me in a cage and shut and locked the door . It was still very lonely . I 'd hear another dog whimper now and then . I decI sat on the young man 's lap while his mother drove . It was getting dark out . Finally , we arrived at a house , and they took me inside . I wandered around and explored , marking my territory . I was told , " No , " but I 'd heard that before . They gave me a nice , plush dog bed , and I was fed regularly , morning and night . They had me in a crate , but left the door open . Still , the plush bed was in there , so I just hung around in there . I 'd whine in the middle of the night , and one of them would take me out . This was working out great . I ran a few times . There were other dogs in the neighborhood , and I had to check them out . I always came back , though . This place was not bad at all , and the people seemed to care for me . After a while , I stopped running off completely . I knew this place , these people , were home . It has been a huge contrast , going from a cold steel cage to this home . Now , I can just climb up on the bed next to my human who talks to me kindly and lets me lay there , comfortably . Sometimes I get a belly rub . I have a new home and family . It seems there actually are other people in this world with hearts as big as Rosie 's . I 'm so glad I didn 't give up . Dear reader , Thank you for giving my writing a chance and for reading my work ! Please take a moment and leave a review , even if a short one , for this story on the website where you downloaded it . If interested , you may also find my author website at http : / / pamelascanepa . weebly . com and sign up to stay informed about my other novels and written works . Sincerely , What if your adopted shelter dog could tell his story ? Have you ever wondered why he freaks out when the kitchen timer goes off , or he gets defensive when he meets a tall man ? Consider the origin story of Bixby , as Pamela imagines the long journey of his life before they found each other and he became part of her family . A firm believer of the " Adopt , don 't shop " motto , this author shares her experiences and imagines what Bixby experienced before , during , and after being rescued from an animal shelter by telling the story through his point of view . This tale will draw you in , appeal to your emotions , and maybe even make you smile . Sometimes you never know what someone has been through , even a stray dog , but Pamela has imagined it all here . Appropriate for children and adults ages seven and up . |
I had been lucky enough to get a ticket to Armenia at my arrival to one of the bus stations of Tehran . Because when I actually got to find the company that was selling international tickets , they told me they were all sold out and there was nothing until 4 days after ! I insisted and used the solo traveller : it 's only me , only one ticket , surely you can allocate me somewhere ! And then insisted on them calling to other bus stations for me to see if there was anything available for next day . They ended up selling me a ticket themselves for next day , somehow . Everything was set and I was more ready than ever to get in a 24 hours bus . I wasn 't even sure how the bus was or the length of the journey . I never asked because I never really cared . They were super nice and we were sharing fruits and tea during all the way . The bus was fantastic and they even got to play a movie . A Bollywood movie where the main male character was a handsome Iranian guy . The landscape was also beautiful and great to enjoy brown sights of lands and mountains with absolutely nothing in between . After dinner I was ready for some sleep , unfortunately my sleep was too short because after an hour the bus reached the town where the crossing was and people started getting on and off the bus . I took the moment to go to the toilet and went back decided to sleep but no . I was kicked out the bus with all my things and also my backpack because … the border was open even though it was almost 2am ! I was sleepy and didn 't realise that I was about to pass the police control to leave the country and by law I was still supposed to wear it . The police man that took my passport to stamp it was not happy with my defiance . He looked at me angrily at th beginning . Then he made signs over his own head that I didn 't get . And finally he had to mutter : ' scarf ! ' After a more than exhaustive look at my passport and looking at all my stamps several times , I got stamped out . I kept walking : I was in nobody 's land ! No more laws ! No more scarf ! I put it off until someone came over to tell me : ' scarf ' . I gave up and resigned to wear it until new notice . It was over 2am then and I was crossing a bridge in nobody 's land . With all my shit with me , a scarf covering my head , in the darkness and surrounded of ugly dogs . I felt like a fugitive , running away from Iran . Jodafes Iran , jodafes ! After crossing the whole thing and arriving to immigration control , I got my passport thoroughly examined again . The police looked at all the pages up to four times ! Then he stamped me in and didn 't even asked me to pay any visa . Thank you ! The first stop in the morning surprised me with a huge change in the landscape : everything was green and it was even chilly ! We were in between some beautiful green mountains with a bit of ice still at the top . It was breakfast time and I was out of Iran , still a few more hours away from Yerevan . Yazd : making final decisions 28 June , 201728 June , 2017Leave a comment After two comfortable hours of sleep in the bus station , I got a taxi to the guesthouse I had been recommended by some other traveller . I was immediately shown my bed , which was bliss . And then I got a huge breakfast and decided on having a walk around before it was too hot for that . The first thing that I realised was that all the houses around were made of mud and straw . I had to love the combination . And the next thing that happened was a interesting exchange with the workers at the bread shop at the corner of the alley where the guesthouse was situated . They even invited me to come in and take a picture with them . Also , I checked the ovens and took pictures around and I wanted to ask if I could make bread with them , but it was way too hot inside with the ovens working and all my clothes on and I just couldn 't enjoy it longer than that . After such a happy event , I continued my walk to find out all the main area around was looking the same and making me feel like of I was in some kind of Aladdin movie . There were wind towers everywhere and the houses and walling kept me entertained during all the way , until I decided to visit the main mosque in the city . Once inside the mosque , and without having any prior idea about this , there was the longest qanat in the world , which is an underground structure for collecting water and bringing it to the surface . Such an amazing work of engineering and so old ! I was very impressed . By the time I left it was not even midday and it was already over 40 degrees , I was really tired and I went to my refugee to take a huge nap . Actually , my biggest nap ever , at least so far . I woke up 5 hours later with that feeling of not knowing if it was daytime , nigh time or if I had been sleeping until next day . But I hadn 't . So I got ready and prepared to explore the city a bit more . It had been 47 degrees and the heat was still intense but I wanted to wander around and do some discoveries , such as a water mill with underground water conducts that were going all the way to other villages and cities . The day ended up like that , with a very good feeling , with the impression that I could start connecting with his country , finally . The landscape around the city , the houses … It made me feel like I could stay there for a whole week without getting bored of walking around them . The only problem was the heat and I was okay with it , although I wish they could cover me in mud and straw as they do with the walls of the houses to keep them cool . In the hostel , I was feeling so comfy that I got to wear shorts for the first time in this country ! I felt safe and okay with it and it was quite hot even at night so it was so relief and a bit of the taste of freedom . Even though I had a very long nap the previous day , the next day I didn 't wake up as early as I was planning . But it was okay , as the tour I had in mind to take was in the afternoon . I had breakfast and went towards the small square where they do these tours to ask if it was possible to do it in that very afternoon . On the way , I took a small alley that was going straight to the square , it was 10 . 30 am and although there were loads of people around , just at that time there was no one in this alley . A car passed by and stopped at my side to ask me for some directions in Farsi . I am used to get by Iranian and most of the people that see me in the street and approach me , do it in Farsi because they mistake me . I immediately answered him with " sorry , I am sorry " and he realised I was a foreigner . He continued his way , but then stopped the car a few metres further up and got off the car . As the alley was very narrow , I had very limited space to keep my way and go to between the car and the wall through a very reduced space . In the meantime , he went to the front of his car and waited me there . I thought he was going to ask me again because he kept holding his phone on his hand , as if he was looking for directions . He wasn 't . He came straight to me to touch me and although it took me by surprise and I was scared , I aimed to punch him . He was too tall for me and all I could do was hit him in an arm and then run away from him , afraid of what he could do to me but still cursing and shouting at him and showing him my middle finger . I was proud I took the bull by the horns and took action even though I was afraid , because wanted to avoid the powerless and stupidity feeling I had in the last situation , but when I come to think about it , calmly … it could have got much worse than that . And I have no idea how " protected " I am when I take action to stop a man from doing anything . I have learnt not to take decisions when the topic is hot . I know myself , I am a temperamental person and I tend to get carried away by my feelings . Most of the times , when the feelings are not positive , I haven 't got a positive result . But this time , this time wasn 't the first one and I had already decided to get out of Isfahan and also from Shiraz and started going North and speeding up to leave the country a bit earlier than planned . That was already decided . In my head , I had Kashan as the next step , a city quite close to Tehran with interesting traditional houses I wanted to visit . But , was it really worth it ? I like to think of myself as a powerful person . A woman with character , yes . Not afraid of anything , not afraid of taking on the world . I threw myself to the world and started a journey where I could have been scared at times , yes . But not by people . I have never been scared by people , all the opposite . I have given myself the pleasure of showing people how not dangerous the world is . I have found myself trusting people instantly , without asking why . I have come to realise that people is generally good and have a good heart . I feel this country is getting the worse out of me . It has made start distrusting everyone . Especially every man . It is also making me feel mostly bad . Why should I continue here ? What do I have to show the world ? Is it not the case that this trip is about me and entirely me ? That I was going to move only following my feelings . Anyways , and thoughts apart , I put up with it , with the feeling that at least I hit him and stood up . Then , once organising the tour I realised it was not going to happen and I visited some water reservoir where there hold some fighting but not just at that exact time . The guy at the entrance was trying to be very helpful and show me around , but he kept touching me to lead me because his English was just not good and I felt a bit violent after the incident earlier that morning . He invited me to come back at 5pm and see the fighting and I felt inclined to leave and come back by then . Plus , he ensured me I didn 't have to pay the ticket again . At my way back to the hostel , everything was okay until I had a couple of guys in a motorbike talking in Farsi to me . I just kept going my way , completely ignoring them . But they had to come back and keep saying something , so I answered clearly annoyed : No Farsi , no Farsi ! And they were really really surprised and even kind of blushed when they realised I was a foreigner , as if they couldn 't believe it and then they left . I was happy to go back to the sanctuary that the hostel was by then . Back to the hostel , I met these 3 girls travelling together from Sweden . They were living there , and they were Chinese , Iraqi and Iranian . I just asked them to join me in the day trip tour I wanted to do , as I needed people to make it and it seemed it was not going to happen and they just were happy to join ! Great ! Things calmed down and close to 5pm , I decided to go to enjoy this thing back to the water reservoir . I was expecting some kind of fighting but nothing like that . It was some training at the rhythm of a drum and a man singing at the same time . Some curious thing to see , enjoyable anyway ! And when I thought the day would be over because there was not much more to do , I found myself in a car with these three lovely girls in the hostel to go to the Silence Towers . Some towers built in the middle of nowhere to bring the dead bodies of the Zoroastrian people , this new religion I am learning about . The landscape over there was the coolest thing , it was deserted , surrounded by these light brown mountains and there was a settlement of mud houses at the feet of the mountains where the two silence towers were situated . On the top , we got to enjoy a beautiful Iranian sunset . I got to find out that the problems I am facing here are kind of normal in this area and also , that precisely because I look like Iranian my situation is worse , because I don 't get the kind and respectful treatment that the foreigners get but the treatment the locals get . " My problem " is to look Iranian to them . If it is the case that I have a problem , because I honestly think I am not the problem and I have embraced the rules and the customs here . The next day would be my last day in Yazd and my last day of proper tourism in Iran , probably . I had this tour with these girls and we had a great time visiting an old inhabited town made entirely of mud . They didn 't know that if you cook the mud in an oven it gets more resistant ! The town was fantastic , offering great views as it was all empty and you could explore all the houses and even get to the rooftops . The next thing we visited was a Zoroastrian temple on the top of a mountain and with the " eternal fire " ( how eternal ? because I have seen a few eternal fires ) . Anyways , it was cool to know a bit more of this people and to learn they are a minority totally integrated in the country with lots of similarities with the Muslim religion . It was interesting and we continued our visit to some other place where ice was built and kept inside a building with a vault and 3 metres width walls ! Wow ! Lastly , we visited a complex where the camels ' caravans were stopping while in the Silk Road . The day was tough , as it had been hot but really worth it . At the back of the hostel , more bad news : I was trying to plan my getaway from Iran , starting off getting the f * ck out to Tehran , but my host there would not be there . She invited me to a nearby town where she would be at the North . I just didn 't feel like giving any more opportunities , as much as I love a local invitation and declined . The next step was Azerbaijan . Or at least that 's what I had in my head , because when I started looking at the online visa I realised I couldn 't get it . It was supposed to be an easy and straight forward process , but Ramadan is finishing and they are considering the next days as holidays , which adding up with the weekend in between meant that there were not 3 working days to process it any soon and I would have to be waiting for it almost for a week ! I couldn 't stay in Iran for that long . And just 3 days later than that I had my flight to Baku anyways , so no , no way ! I would have to make a new plan , again . But first things first : getting out of Yazd for a start ! Shiraz and Persepolis as the highlight of Iran 28 June , 201728 June , 2017Leave a comment My night bus from Isfahan was half empty therefore , quiet and quite comfortable . I managed to get some good sleep and arrived happily to Shiraz , where I haggled the price of the taxi until half of the initial price . Everything seemed to be great . Even if it was really early , the hostel let me check in early and I even joined the breakfast they serve . That went the extra mile because I wasn 't sure of being able to find something for breakfast that was not biscuits in some shop , due to the Ramadan . With nice feelings and not much idea about what to do around the city but seeing Persepolis , which I already had arranged for next day , I decided to have a walk during the morning and take the heat of the afternoon to sleep and be lazy . First I came across some important shrine that was free to visit and I decided to get in . I was called by security and they pointed to some sign . I didn 't understand what was going on , I already had my scarf on . After 10 minutes I understood : I was getting in with a guide and also , she was bringing a special veil that everyone needs to get in and I didn 't have . She took me through security , where they search everything and more and scanned me . The security process was one of the most intense I had ever had . After , she put on me the veil . It was like a huge sheet that came to the top of my head , holding on there I still don 't know how and over my scarf , to cover everything because it was going until the feet . Basically only my face and my hands could be seen coming from a huge flowery sheet that I guess it would be flowery so it doesn 't come as serious as the black one for foreigners , but Muslim women were wearing black all over the place . I came in with the guide and she took me and three Swiss guys around , explaining things to us here and there . We actually weren 't allowed in the shrine because it 's forbidden for non - Muslim and we only could see from outside the room full of mirrors , to reflect all the energy and make bigger the light . I was dying inside to see the dome from the inside , but a picture of it had to do the job because I am not converting . After that , I went back to wander around for a little bit longer until noon and then look for refuge from the heat . Somehow , I ended up in the bazaar and out of the sudden , I realised that there was a man following me ALL the time . I started stopping in absurd shops and I saw him checking on , stopping as well and even getting ahead of me and waiting for me . He even got to say to me a couple of things in Farsi . I couldn 't understand , obviously and I didn 't even want to have to talk to him . The situation got way much worse , because I started taking random turns in the bazaar to try to persuade him of whatever game he was playing but he kept appearing and kept finding , I have no idea how because I was turning whenever he was ahead of me and not looking . The situation kept going for about 15 or 20 minutes , when I started panicking for real and after taking several turns where it was impossible to follow me unless he was speeding up and running , I came across a courtyard in the middle of the lanes of the bazaar that I chose to hide for a bit . I waited there and I couldn 't stop checking every person that was passing by here , totally freaked out just thinking that any moment I would see his face again . As I wanted to put my mind of it while I was waiting long enough to make sure he wouldn 't be around the area on my way back to the hotel , I looked at my phone … What a moment to do so . I had received a text from Ali , Nader 's dad who was my host in Isfahan . He was just checking how I was . When I answered to him that I had successfully arrived to Shiraz , he asked me to come back there again and I modestly answered that I would see but I wanted to see other stuff in other cities of Iran as well and that would be a priority for me . Then I received a text that was enough for me ( especially given the situation I was living ) to make me think all the worse of what I had been suspecting and give me all the reasons in the world to mistrust him : " I want you " . There was no excuse , no confusion with the translation of tAfter a couple of hours in the comfort zone that the dorm was providing me , I got to meet a French guy who I made a favour with my computer and also a Japanese girl that joined us for tea upstairs . We exchanged a lot of views of travelling and I was amazed by their travels . They had been on the road for years and made me very very keen on visiting Uzbekistan . Anyways , I also got to share with them some of my shit because we were talking about what is the worse experience that you had so far and no doubts I have had mine that very morning . Surprisingly , the Japanese girl also had had a really bad experience with a man in her night bus arriving to Shiraz the same morning . Straight after that , I met a New Zealander guy , Eugene , very cool and likeminded as well and after a very positive philosophical chat about life I felt extremely positive again and with the energy of giving the place another chance . Shiraz is well known for the hospitality of its people , or so I heard and I didn 't want hospitality but a walk and dinner without incidents was desirable . With renovated energies , I went out with the sunset with the idea of getting some food ( I barely had eaten one or two fruits during the day ) and checking the shrine I had seen that very morning to see how it was looking in the darkness with all the lights up . That was the plan and when I took one of the streets nearby to find a restaurant , I found a guy next to me all the time and I started being aware of his presence a bit too much . After 5 minutes I noticed he was keeping next to me all the time and by the time he talked to me in Farsi , I decided to take a more passive - aggressive approach than the morning and snapped at him : No Farsi , no understand ! And I kept going my way to make him understand that I was not interested in stopping and chatting with him . He seemed very surprised I was not Persian and I thought that maybe that 's the problem . And then , I thought that the problem is not what I look but their problem . I still had to eat and although I did feel like getting back to the hostel and I lost my appetite , I walked a bit more and ate something nice . And after , I decided that if my plan was to visit the shrine at night time , I should do it or otherwise the day would be reduced to the ugly stories and nothing worth it would have been happening . It seemed to me that this country wanted to take the worse of me out and I was still not willing to let it . I visited the shrine and it was actually nice to see myself knowing how to act and how to put the long veil thing and almost how to wear it ( still couldn 't completely control that ) . I told the security I had already been there in the morning and therefore , I didn 't need any guide to enter the complex . So I entered by myself and wandered a bit before enjoying the sights while sitting down and thinking that this approach to life would be probably also the approach that some societies some time ago had , where there was no technology to entertain and it was simply nice to come to a complex or a square to hang out , get fresh delicious water while it is hot outside and have a walk around in between all the atmosphere . And with such a nice thought , although I couldn 't help to feel sad and disappointed on the experience in this country so far , I went back to my hostel to get some sleep . The next morning I had an early one to visit Persepolis . For the first time in probably my whole life , I was happy to have a tour to do this because I was unsure to do it on my own . After an early breakfast I was in the car on the way to Persepolis , the capital of the Persian Empire ! I was quite excited about this one but I must say that after being architecturally disappointed by under - renovation beautiful mosques , this place overcame my expectations . I more than enjoyed the visit and even remember how I had seen some of this stuff in some books of the history of architecture . It was amazing to have all that in front of me and see the greatness of it . I took pictures and pictures despite being totally exposed to the strong sun and even went up the mountain , where the tomb of some king is to obtain better views of the whole thing together . The climb wasn 't particularly hard , it was short , but the scarf around and the intense heat made it feel like an endless sprint up the hill . There were details everywhere that surprised me a lot . Like the fact that they were already using steel connectors for keeping the massive rocks together , as there was no mortar although the size of the rocks was always changing . Also , the people working in the construction weren 't slaves as you could think and documents stating the payment for the work were found . And finally , the relieves showing unity through more than 30 different nationalities , the peaceful content of the details and the absence of war or threat through the whole thing impressed me very much . The empire had different foundations of what we are used to see . After Persepolis , we also had the chance to visit Nekropolis and this part reminded me so much of the excavated caves in the stone that I saw once in Aurangabad , India … The scale , the rock , the shapes were completely different , of course . But the idea of the human being of excavating a rocky mountain to create a space impresses me very much , especially in these dimensions and at this time of history . We got back to the hostel exhausted by the heat and all I felt I could do was to get some fruits and try to get rest under the air conditioning machine in the room . After a while , the French guy in the room offered to go to get some tea , as we was really thankful for borrowing my laptop for the last two days and I actually always enjoy to talk to one of these persons older than the average that are on the road , so I accepted gladly . We had a walk but it was quite early and nothing would be opened until 8 or 8 . 30pm so we couldn 't find anything but some sweets I smelled from the corner and ended up buying because they looked like " churros " cut in small pieces . By the time it was 8 . 30pm , I went out again , alone , to find something to eat and also to have a walk around some park I had been recommended by the New Zealander guy . According to him , I was almost guaranteed to be approached by locals and have some fun . On the way there , I found a nice shrine , smaller than the one I visited the previous day , which I entered . It makes me curious how locals gather around every place in the city . I ended up arriving to the park . And just there , I had three nice little boys coming to me super excited to say hello to me with a broken English and Farsi words in between . Lovely , I couldn 't be happier . And just when I said goodbye to them to continue my way , I looked at the map at my phone and my phone was blocked , with a white screen and completely useless . I kept walking a bit and when I realised that I had to get back to the hostel , whose name I barely could pronounce and I had no more directions than what was in my phone I realised I should focus in finding the way back to make sure I was getting there at a decent time . Also , I didn 't want to stay without a phone in case something was happening and I needed to ask for help or something . I went back and I was completely unable to make my phone work . I couldn 't believe , it had less than 3 months ! ! ! ! Also , I was really annoyed because I had loads of information inside and not only that , but all the cool pictures I had taken in Persepolis were gone ! ! Nothing could work just for one day … And the funny thing is that I was out of the social picture because facebook doesn 't work in Iran , at least not without a VPN , which I only had in my phone . Everything was upside down … I went to sleep later than I what I wanted because I was trying to make things work . Then , I woke up early the next morning as I had planned to see the Pink Mosque very early ; when they say that the lights are more spectacular . But in the middle of breakfast , while I was talking to the French man about what happened and he left me his phone to research about this , my phone started going crazy again and after a while , it started working . Holy f * ck ! I run away to get my computer and recover the pictures while it was holding together . Then , I started getting all texts from people and things went back to normal , finally . Unfortunately , that kept me busy and I didn 't get to the mosque as early as I was expecting , but I must say it was still beautiful . I took my time there to relax , to breathe , to meditate and to enjoy the colours of the lights playing in the Persian carpets . That was all the planning for the day besides packing . I was leaving that night and unfortunately , the French guy who was thinking to take the night bus to Yazd as well , would be probably changing his plans , so I had to do it alone . This is probably the first time that I do mind to do something alone . I wanted to avoid any other negative experience . Whatever it was going to happen , I had more or less decided by this stage that I wouldn 't be taking the flight I had on the 4th of July , as I had planned . It felt too much time in this country and although I am not running away from it just yet , I did decide to speed things up instead of chilling in the cities in search of " adventures " and simply head north as soon as possible to cross the border to Azerbaijan , my next destination . I am not throwing the towel just yet but I started making up my mind about things here . The way to the station was tough and I regretted my decision of walking all the way there . But I had a good moment in the middle , when I stopped for food and I met a lovely woman with her son . They were speaking to me all the time , asking me lots of questions with the help of the translator on her phone . When her husband came , she introduced us and then she asked me for my phone . I gladly gave it to her . After that , I continued my way , a bit scared and a bit concerned about the night journey . But everything was fine . People went the extra mile , as usual , to help me finding the correct bus ( I always had my doubts here , I am too used to the touts in bus stations at other countries and I always get suspicious ) and once I got in to the bus , everything was smooth with the exception that the driver was crazy and was also playing crazy Arabic music all the way , so my slept was not really good but not totally horrible . We arrived to Yazd before I was expecting , it was past 5am and still dark , so I decided that my day could not start just yet and find a spot inside the bus station to sleep a little bit before anything . Two hours after I woke up and I was ready for it ! Isfahan : Days in " family " 27 June , 201727 June , 2017Leave a comment After a dreadful night bus and not much sleep , I got to Isfahan at 5 . 30 am . Horrible timing . My host Nader was obviously sleeping , although he had kindly said to me that he didn 't mind at all an early arrival . I had his address pinned on a map but that was about it , as we agreed to talk in the morning once I was there . When I could wake him up by whatsapp and get the full address to make sure I had something to show to the taxi driver in case of not understanding each other , I was ready to take a taxi . I used the Iranian Uber and I suffered the harassment by a few taxi drivers around the station . I even got to get in the wrong car because he affirmed he was my taxi driver and to be honest , it is still difficult to me to read Farsi numbers ( although I am learning them ) especially at that time in the morning . After being in the wrong car once and almost get into another one , I got a call from my driver and more or less understood where he was . I didn 't hang up and I found the man talking on the phone , great ! I could get there now . I arrived to Nader 's home and he met me downstairs and got me to the apartment . His dad was already up and around , shirtless . I suppose I was impressed to see some flesh for the first time in the country . We sat down in the sofas and I tried to make some talk with some questions , but I was tired and conversation wasn 't fluid . After a few courtesy questions , I got to ask what had been wandering in my mind since I entered the door : Where do I sleep , is it in the couch ? It was a simple question just to double check I was not sharing the bed with anybody , before creating any misunderstanding . He pointed out the empty room with a bed that I had seen from the beginning and then said he would sleep in this other room with the door closed , so I relaxed when I understood there was another room . After a while , we decided to get back to sleep and I got some real sleep , finally . Once we woke up , we had something to eat and stayed home because it was already midday and too hot to do anything at all . Also , Nader had to study because he was in exam period for college . And after a while , his parents came in with food for everybody ( they don 't practise Ramadan in this family , quite good for me ) , so we sat down on the table together and ate . Then , Nabiid appeared . Nabiid was Nader 's younger brother , he was still in High school . They were a lovely family and asked me about stuff and especially the dad was hilarious and managed his way in English very well . He joked about my first name and also about my last name because in Persian " lop " is something like cheek . Then , he remembered that that evening there was a funeral on the side of Nader 's mum and he asked me if I wanted to go . He said I look very Iranian and they would take me and it would be okay . I said to him I might look like but I don 't speak and I resolved that I could be dumb or they could just say that I am shy . I started believing all this while finding it hilarious because they were joking about everything but quite serious about taking me to the funeral . I didn 't mind at all , another different experience . Although funerals are not really something that appeals me that much , it started being curious about how they would behave there if they were laughing so much about it here . Anyways , after food the whole family gathered in the sofa area in front of the TV and laughed and had a great time in general while drinking tea . It was very much like the Spanish siesta time , where out there is too hot to do anything and you stay at home until you have to get back to work . Before 5pm everyone left the house to get back to work . Nader and I stayed for a bit longer and then got ready to go to the main square in Isfahan . He had to get a book around there and he would show me around a bit . We got there and it was brilliant , the second biggest square in the world ( the first one is in Beijing , where I was flying from just a few days ago ) . We sat down on the grass for a while until the sun was almost gone to have a walk around it because otherwise there was no cover from the sun . Then we got to see a bit of one of the mosques and sat down in front of it a chill . We started talking about a lot of stuff and having a great time and then we started walking back home . There was only one thing I didn 't enjoy hearing and was that it is banned to ride bicycles for girls . Alone . Which meant that if I was riding with him it would probably be okay but I couldn 't do it alone . He was super nice to say that if he found another bike he would come with me so I don 't get in trouble . We were entertained talking and it wasn 't that hot so we made all the way home walking , it took us almost an hour . By the time we got home , everyone was there already and then I was invited to have a look to an energy class that was going on in the apartment of Nader 's sister , just three floors above from where we were . I thought it was a minor thing and I actually got to ask if I needed to put y scarf on or change because I was in short sleeve . They said it was fine and when I popped there , I saw a lot of women and also men and women were all covered up and I felt violent there just looking like that . They invited me to come in and have tea and cake and they got to clap when I got in . How embarrassing . Also , I couldn 't speak the language , so it was worse . When we finished tea and cake we left because the class had to start and we were not invited to the class . I couldn 't wait because I didn 't really want to stay , feeling that uncomfortable and not able to understand anything . When we got back , I actually thought we were at some other apartment because there were also people here ! Nader 's mum had arrived from the funeral with part of the family of the deceased . We sat down and had more tea and the usual humour in the family started flourishing . The guests asked about me , obviously and then one of them started asking me questions in broken English in a hilarious way . He asked me about money , about my family here ( here ? No family here ) and other stuff while the rest of the family was laughing at the situation . That 's how the day ended up . Full of situations , stories and stuff going on all thThe next morning , he was visibly tired and we got a taxi with different destinations . He was going to the library and I was going to the main square to visit a few places over there . My morning was kind of getting ruined by thinking of what had ( or hadn 't ) happened and tried to make a fresh start when entering the mosque . I visited the place I had seen with him yesterday by myself , and I ventured myself to every corner . It was disappointing to see that , for the full price of the ticket , you mostly see scaffoldings and restricted areas everywhere . But the place was beautiful . As I wasn 't in any hurry and wanted to find some vibes coming from the place , I sat down quietly in a corner . A security guy came and asked me for the ticket and then welcomed me a few times , asked me where I was from and asked me for picture . I took one with my phone as well , why not . Then , another man came , joined the conversation and when I was about to leave the place , asked me if I wanted to see the roof . Of course I wanted to . I waited for him to be back a few minutes and then he took me to a locked door he had to open with a key and hid from everybody to this , we both came in and closed down the door behind us . Everything was dark and narrow and I had to use the flashlight in my phone . We took some stairs and then , there was another locked door and we continue to go up by narrower stairs until arriving at the top of the minaret . There , I had to walk in squat position all the time because nobody could see me there . It was fantastic and I got to enjoy great views of the square , the mosque 's courtyard and the dome . Such a privilege ! We had to hide again to be able to get out without anybody noticing us and I thanked the man more than a few times . After that , I sat down in front of the mosque to take a break and see where I was going next . A guy came close to me ; we started a conversation and invited me to have a espresso in his carpet shop , with no commitment to anything . I felt like it and we went to his shop , where we were chatting for a while . He had seen me the previous day with Nader but , although he wanted to talk to me , he didn 't because I was with someone else . This guy was also in the couchsurfing community and we were chatting about this as well . Then he offered to have lunch with him and maybe have a shisha or something like that , but I told him I really wanted to visit some palace nearby and he offered to go with me and then go for the shisha . It was cool and he was explaining me lots of cool stuff about the palace . We ended up going for the shisha to his place , which I didn 't expect but certainly didn 't mind . But it was then when I realised I should make myself clear and set up some limits , Nader had called me in between and told me there was lunch at his place and it was his favourite , so I told Nader I would be getting to his place in an hour or so because I wanted to finish off seeing stuff and then , I told this guy about this and about my fiancé . And it helped , and a lot . Because he obviously was thinking further up to what we were doing and with that he seemed to understand the situation . He told me about some long distance relationship he had had with an Australian girl that had been in Iran for a couple of months and how the body needs this and than and how human contact and hugs and … . lots of bullshit . I suppose he had to try . We had a nice chat , anyways and when I felt the time was right I told him I should go and went to Nader 's house to have lunch . There , as Nader still had to study a bit , I was offered to go with his mum to her work . She owns a beauty salon and I thought it would be fun . Also fun because she actually can 't speak English . When we arrived there , there was chocolate and I made coffee . It seemed perfect . Not many clients came in during the evening and , although I was worried about the results of my visit because Iranian women use way too much makeup and overdo in their nails and eyebrows , it didn 't turn out very badly . I got my nails polished in red , then I got a few braids in my hair and after refusing they did my eyebrows , I finally had to let them because they were making me feel like a hairy manly truck driver with eyebrows and hair in my arms and no make up … The result was acceptable , though but I never understood why so much over do when you cannot show half of it in the street . After a while , Naviid who was Nader 's brother came in and I found a bit odd that the helper of Nader 's mum immediately covered her hair . The dad came after a while and all together we decided to go for a walk around the river , mainly because I had previously said that I love bridges and I wanted to see the cool bridges here . Nader joined us after a while and we all visited Khajoo bridge , a 33 archs bridge that would be glorious to see when there is water in the river because it deviates the water and creates some shapes with the course of the river but still was amazing to visit . There were many different curiosities about it and I was delighted I was with them to explain me . I got to see some reflected lights in the exact location of the eyes of some tiger at the opposite shore . And I also got to check how the sounds are transported by the structure of the archs in the bridge . I could hear Nader whispers to a wall from the opposite wall of the arch ! Then , we all took a taxi home and enjoyed a bit of omelette and tea and dates . If there is a huge discovery that I have made here is Iranian dates . I can 't stop eating them at all hours . The night went by with no more incidents and the next day was Friday , which is free for everybody . So we spent the day chilling at home and not doing much . Nader and Naviid taught me how to play Backgammon and although I suck we had a great time and not much more was done during the day . I was kind of expecting all day for Nader 's dad to take me to the dessert , as he had promised the day before but none of that happened . It wasn 't a big deal , I hadn 't insisted on it either because I wasn 't hugely fascinated by going to the dessert , but I was kind of counting on the plan for the day . When the night came in , Nader said goodbye and I actually didn 't understand but then he texted me and I understood that he was leaving and not coming back , I suppose for his exams , which were to start the following day . The rest of the family and me took a cab to go to some mountain where the air was fresh and temperatures were a bit cooler . We enjoyed a saffron ice cream and great views of the city and came back to the house to get some omelette as well . I like this Spanish time where we were eating a 12pm . What can I say . I was thinking of taking a bit of the next morning for me , for getting ready and go to take a bus towards Shiraz but everything was changed when I woke up and Ali , Nader 's dad , the cool dad that had been to Thailand lots of times and wanted to travel the world ( probably without family ) offered to take me to some places close to his work and then I could get back , pack and go . That 's what I understood , but something different happened . We went first to some mosque with something they were calling shaking minarets . But it was early and they were not going to shake the minarets until an hour after . I am still quite unsure what was that about . Then we went to where he works and walk to the Jame Mosque , which he got me into as Iranian citizen ( cheap ticket ) and showed me a couple of things about the mosque before he was going back to work and leaving me there to explore it by myself . I had my doubts at the beginning about the plan but I enjoyed the mosque . It actually had the peaceful vibes I was looking for , as it is used for praying and not only visiting and also , it was beautiful architecturally . I enjoyed so much the vaults with different designs in brick , each of them different … When I finished I texted Ali and he came to pick me up with a motorbike . It was okay to seat at the back of the motorbike but also , a woman cannot drive a motorbike , I learnt . We came back to his shop and at the time of closing , came back home to get lunch . There , I met his secretary and would find out and confirm that here it is okay and more than normal to have several boyfriends ( and girlfriends in the case ) and that you needed one for going to the cinema , one for going for dinner , one for sleeping … and then you get married with the one that has more money . Understood . I made clear that I only believe in having one boyfriend ( I believe that one is enough hassle ) and tried to made my point unsuccessfully . During the way home and while waiting for the rest of the family , Ali actually came closer to me , also physically and I am not sure if it was something natural because I had been part of the family ( and truly felt part of it at some times ) or it wasn 't natural at all , because I have found myself mistrusting everyone . Anyways , we got there for lunch later than expected to take a bus anywhere , and definitely not what we had agreed . But he also had said the previous night I couldn 't leave without having beryni , the dish typical from Isfahan and there wasn 't any of that for lunch . But it was set I would be leaving this day because I felt like moving and also because my feelings were more and more mixed about everything . I also needed some space for me and being alone and make plans of my own ; in general staying and trying for myself . After lunch , Ali was going somewhere and he asked me if I wanted to join , but with the excuse that I had to pack I avoided that . I didn 't feel like being alone with him again . There was something that made me uncomfortable and although I felt bad for thinking like that of him , all I have with me is my instincts and always try to follow them ( this is not right to say it here , but time would prove that I wasn 't wrong , unfortunately ) . So I stayed home with Naviid around and packed my shit and played backgammon with him . Ali came back , with another girl to host . She was a Chinese girl living in Manchester and the kind of girl that is bloody perfect at everything . We all gathered for tea , chatted around and went for carrot juice with saffron ice cream , because this girl loved it and it seemed like a great idea . During the way , she gathered all of Ali 's attention and I wondered if I had been wrong to push him away a bit because he seemed genuine with her as well , or he was kind of having " a strategy " . Then I thought I was going paranoid and I really had to leave whatever it was , just for my sanity . So after the juice we came back , I hugged everyone and took a taxi to the bus station , where I had a late night bus to get to Shiraz , the city where they say the most beautiful women are . I took the bus with strange mixed feelings all over the place , thankful and paranoid . Overall , I was happy to keep going and get back to the road . But still unsettled about the country and all the feelings I have . It 's a rollercoaster . |
I had been lucky enough to get a ticket to Armenia at my arrival to one of the bus stations of Tehran . Because when I actually got to find the company that was selling international tickets , they told me they were all sold out and there was nothing until 4 days after ! I insisted and used the solo traveller : it 's only me , only one ticket , surely you can allocate me somewhere ! And then insisted on them calling to other bus stations for me to see if there was anything available for next day . They ended up selling me a ticket themselves for next day , somehow . Everything was set and I was more ready than ever to get in a 24 hours bus . I wasn 't even sure how the bus was or the length of the journey . I never asked because I never really cared . They were super nice and we were sharing fruits and tea during all the way . The bus was fantastic and they even got to play a movie . A Bollywood movie where the main male character was a handsome Iranian guy . The landscape was also beautiful and great to enjoy brown sights of lands and mountains with absolutely nothing in between . After dinner I was ready for some sleep , unfortunately my sleep was too short because after an hour the bus reached the town where the crossing was and people started getting on and off the bus . I took the moment to go to the toilet and went back decided to sleep but no . I was kicked out the bus with all my things and also my backpack because … the border was open even though it was almost 2am ! I was sleepy and didn 't realise that I was about to pass the police control to leave the country and by law I was still supposed to wear it . The police man that took my passport to stamp it was not happy with my defiance . He looked at me angrily at th beginning . Then he made signs over his own head that I didn 't get . And finally he had to mutter : ' scarf ! ' After a more than exhaustive look at my passport and looking at all my stamps several times , I got stamped out . I kept walking : I was in nobody 's land ! No more laws ! No more scarf ! I put it off until someone came over to tell me : ' scarf ' . I gave up and resigned to wear it until new notice . It was over 2am then and I was crossing a bridge in nobody 's land . With all my shit with me , a scarf covering my head , in the darkness and surrounded of ugly dogs . I felt like a fugitive , running away from Iran . Jodafes Iran , jodafes ! After crossing the whole thing and arriving to immigration control , I got my passport thoroughly examined again . The police looked at all the pages up to four times ! Then he stamped me in and didn 't even asked me to pay any visa . Thank you ! The first stop in the morning surprised me with a huge change in the landscape : everything was green and it was even chilly ! We were in between some beautiful green mountains with a bit of ice still at the top . It was breakfast time and I was out of Iran , still a few more hours away from Yerevan . Yazd : making final decisions 28 June , 201728 June , 2017Leave a comment After two comfortable hours of sleep in the bus station , I got a taxi to the guesthouse I had been recommended by some other traveller . I was immediately shown my bed , which was bliss . And then I got a huge breakfast and decided on having a walk around before it was too hot for that . The first thing that I realised was that all the houses around were made of mud and straw . I had to love the combination . And the next thing that happened was a interesting exchange with the workers at the bread shop at the corner of the alley where the guesthouse was situated . They even invited me to come in and take a picture with them . Also , I checked the ovens and took pictures around and I wanted to ask if I could make bread with them , but it was way too hot inside with the ovens working and all my clothes on and I just couldn 't enjoy it longer than that . After such a happy event , I continued my walk to find out all the main area around was looking the same and making me feel like of I was in some kind of Aladdin movie . There were wind towers everywhere and the houses and walling kept me entertained during all the way , until I decided to visit the main mosque in the city . Once inside the mosque , and without having any prior idea about this , there was the longest qanat in the world , which is an underground structure for collecting water and bringing it to the surface . Such an amazing work of engineering and so old ! I was very impressed . By the time I left it was not even midday and it was already over 40 degrees , I was really tired and I went to my refugee to take a huge nap . Actually , my biggest nap ever , at least so far . I woke up 5 hours later with that feeling of not knowing if it was daytime , nigh time or if I had been sleeping until next day . But I hadn 't . So I got ready and prepared to explore the city a bit more . It had been 47 degrees and the heat was still intense but I wanted to wander around and do some discoveries , such as a water mill with underground water conducts that were going all the way to other villages and cities . The day ended up like that , with a very good feeling , with the impression that I could start connecting with his country , finally . The landscape around the city , the houses … It made me feel like I could stay there for a whole week without getting bored of walking around them . The only problem was the heat and I was okay with it , although I wish they could cover me in mud and straw as they do with the walls of the houses to keep them cool . In the hostel , I was feeling so comfy that I got to wear shorts for the first time in this country ! I felt safe and okay with it and it was quite hot even at night so it was so relief and a bit of the taste of freedom . Even though I had a very long nap the previous day , the next day I didn 't wake up as early as I was planning . But it was okay , as the tour I had in mind to take was in the afternoon . I had breakfast and went towards the small square where they do these tours to ask if it was possible to do it in that very afternoon . On the way , I took a small alley that was going straight to the square , it was 10 . 30 am and although there were loads of people around , just at that time there was no one in this alley . A car passed by and stopped at my side to ask me for some directions in Farsi . I am used to get by Iranian and most of the people that see me in the street and approach me , do it in Farsi because they mistake me . I immediately answered him with " sorry , I am sorry " and he realised I was a foreigner . He continued his way , but then stopped the car a few metres further up and got off the car . As the alley was very narrow , I had very limited space to keep my way and go to between the car and the wall through a very reduced space . In the meantime , he went to the front of his car and waited me there . I thought he was going to ask me again because he kept holding his phone on his hand , as if he was looking for directions . He wasn 't . He came straight to me to touch me and although it took me by surprise and I was scared , I aimed to punch him . He was too tall for me and all I could do was hit him in an arm and then run away from him , afraid of what he could do to me but still cursing and shouting at him and showing him my middle finger . I was proud I took the bull by the horns and took action even though I was afraid , because wanted to avoid the powerless and stupidity feeling I had in the last situation , but when I come to think about it , calmly … it could have got much worse than that . And I have no idea how " protected " I am when I take action to stop a man from doing anything . I have learnt not to take decisions when the topic is hot . I know myself , I am a temperamental person and I tend to get carried away by my feelings . Most of the times , when the feelings are not positive , I haven 't got a positive result . But this time , this time wasn 't the first one and I had already decided to get out of Isfahan and also from Shiraz and started going North and speeding up to leave the country a bit earlier than planned . That was already decided . In my head , I had Kashan as the next step , a city quite close to Tehran with interesting traditional houses I wanted to visit . But , was it really worth it ? I like to think of myself as a powerful person . A woman with character , yes . Not afraid of anything , not afraid of taking on the world . I threw myself to the world and started a journey where I could have been scared at times , yes . But not by people . I have never been scared by people , all the opposite . I have given myself the pleasure of showing people how not dangerous the world is . I have found myself trusting people instantly , without asking why . I have come to realise that people is generally good and have a good heart . I feel this country is getting the worse out of me . It has made start distrusting everyone . Especially every man . It is also making me feel mostly bad . Why should I continue here ? What do I have to show the world ? Is it not the case that this trip is about me and entirely me ? That I was going to move only following my feelings . Anyways , and thoughts apart , I put up with it , with the feeling that at least I hit him and stood up . Then , once organising the tour I realised it was not going to happen and I visited some water reservoir where there hold some fighting but not just at that exact time . The guy at the entrance was trying to be very helpful and show me around , but he kept touching me to lead me because his English was just not good and I felt a bit violent after the incident earlier that morning . He invited me to come back at 5pm and see the fighting and I felt inclined to leave and come back by then . Plus , he ensured me I didn 't have to pay the ticket again . At my way back to the hostel , everything was okay until I had a couple of guys in a motorbike talking in Farsi to me . I just kept going my way , completely ignoring them . But they had to come back and keep saying something , so I answered clearly annoyed : No Farsi , no Farsi ! And they were really really surprised and even kind of blushed when they realised I was a foreigner , as if they couldn 't believe it and then they left . I was happy to go back to the sanctuary that the hostel was by then . Back to the hostel , I met these 3 girls travelling together from Sweden . They were living there , and they were Chinese , Iraqi and Iranian . I just asked them to join me in the day trip tour I wanted to do , as I needed people to make it and it seemed it was not going to happen and they just were happy to join ! Great ! Things calmed down and close to 5pm , I decided to go to enjoy this thing back to the water reservoir . I was expecting some kind of fighting but nothing like that . It was some training at the rhythm of a drum and a man singing at the same time . Some curious thing to see , enjoyable anyway ! And when I thought the day would be over because there was not much more to do , I found myself in a car with these three lovely girls in the hostel to go to the Silence Towers . Some towers built in the middle of nowhere to bring the dead bodies of the Zoroastrian people , this new religion I am learning about . The landscape over there was the coolest thing , it was deserted , surrounded by these light brown mountains and there was a settlement of mud houses at the feet of the mountains where the two silence towers were situated . On the top , we got to enjoy a beautiful Iranian sunset . I got to find out that the problems I am facing here are kind of normal in this area and also , that precisely because I look like Iranian my situation is worse , because I don 't get the kind and respectful treatment that the foreigners get but the treatment the locals get . " My problem " is to look Iranian to them . If it is the case that I have a problem , because I honestly think I am not the problem and I have embraced the rules and the customs here . The next day would be my last day in Yazd and my last day of proper tourism in Iran , probably . I had this tour with these girls and we had a great time visiting an old inhabited town made entirely of mud . They didn 't know that if you cook the mud in an oven it gets more resistant ! The town was fantastic , offering great views as it was all empty and you could explore all the houses and even get to the rooftops . The next thing we visited was a Zoroastrian temple on the top of a mountain and with the " eternal fire " ( how eternal ? because I have seen a few eternal fires ) . Anyways , it was cool to know a bit more of this people and to learn they are a minority totally integrated in the country with lots of similarities with the Muslim religion . It was interesting and we continued our visit to some other place where ice was built and kept inside a building with a vault and 3 metres width walls ! Wow ! Lastly , we visited a complex where the camels ' caravans were stopping while in the Silk Road . The day was tough , as it had been hot but really worth it . At the back of the hostel , more bad news : I was trying to plan my getaway from Iran , starting off getting the f * ck out to Tehran , but my host there would not be there . She invited me to a nearby town where she would be at the North . I just didn 't feel like giving any more opportunities , as much as I love a local invitation and declined . The next step was Azerbaijan . Or at least that 's what I had in my head , because when I started looking at the online visa I realised I couldn 't get it . It was supposed to be an easy and straight forward process , but Ramadan is finishing and they are considering the next days as holidays , which adding up with the weekend in between meant that there were not 3 working days to process it any soon and I would have to be waiting for it almost for a week ! I couldn 't stay in Iran for that long . And just 3 days later than that I had my flight to Baku anyways , so no , no way ! I would have to make a new plan , again . But first things first : getting out of Yazd for a start ! Shiraz and Persepolis as the highlight of Iran 28 June , 201728 June , 2017Leave a comment My night bus from Isfahan was half empty therefore , quiet and quite comfortable . I managed to get some good sleep and arrived happily to Shiraz , where I haggled the price of the taxi until half of the initial price . Everything seemed to be great . Even if it was really early , the hostel let me check in early and I even joined the breakfast they serve . That went the extra mile because I wasn 't sure of being able to find something for breakfast that was not biscuits in some shop , due to the Ramadan . With nice feelings and not much idea about what to do around the city but seeing Persepolis , which I already had arranged for next day , I decided to have a walk during the morning and take the heat of the afternoon to sleep and be lazy . First I came across some important shrine that was free to visit and I decided to get in . I was called by security and they pointed to some sign . I didn 't understand what was going on , I already had my scarf on . After 10 minutes I understood : I was getting in with a guide and also , she was bringing a special veil that everyone needs to get in and I didn 't have . She took me through security , where they search everything and more and scanned me . The security process was one of the most intense I had ever had . After , she put on me the veil . It was like a huge sheet that came to the top of my head , holding on there I still don 't know how and over my scarf , to cover everything because it was going until the feet . Basically only my face and my hands could be seen coming from a huge flowery sheet that I guess it would be flowery so it doesn 't come as serious as the black one for foreigners , but Muslim women were wearing black all over the place . I came in with the guide and she took me and three Swiss guys around , explaining things to us here and there . We actually weren 't allowed in the shrine because it 's forbidden for non - Muslim and we only could see from outside the room full of mirrors , to reflect all the energy and make bigger the light . I was dying inside to see the dome from the inside , but a picture of it had to do the job because I am not converting . After that , I went back to wander around for a little bit longer until noon and then look for refuge from the heat . Somehow , I ended up in the bazaar and out of the sudden , I realised that there was a man following me ALL the time . I started stopping in absurd shops and I saw him checking on , stopping as well and even getting ahead of me and waiting for me . He even got to say to me a couple of things in Farsi . I couldn 't understand , obviously and I didn 't even want to have to talk to him . The situation got way much worse , because I started taking random turns in the bazaar to try to persuade him of whatever game he was playing but he kept appearing and kept finding , I have no idea how because I was turning whenever he was ahead of me and not looking . The situation kept going for about 15 or 20 minutes , when I started panicking for real and after taking several turns where it was impossible to follow me unless he was speeding up and running , I came across a courtyard in the middle of the lanes of the bazaar that I chose to hide for a bit . I waited there and I couldn 't stop checking every person that was passing by here , totally freaked out just thinking that any moment I would see his face again . As I wanted to put my mind of it while I was waiting long enough to make sure he wouldn 't be around the area on my way back to the hotel , I looked at my phone … What a moment to do so . I had received a text from Ali , Nader 's dad who was my host in Isfahan . He was just checking how I was . When I answered to him that I had successfully arrived to Shiraz , he asked me to come back there again and I modestly answered that I would see but I wanted to see other stuff in other cities of Iran as well and that would be a priority for me . Then I received a text that was enough for me ( especially given the situation I was living ) to make me think all the worse of what I had been suspecting and give me all the reasons in the world to mistrust him : " I want you " . There was no excuse , no confusion with the translation of tAfter a couple of hours in the comfort zone that the dorm was providing me , I got to meet a French guy who I made a favour with my computer and also a Japanese girl that joined us for tea upstairs . We exchanged a lot of views of travelling and I was amazed by their travels . They had been on the road for years and made me very very keen on visiting Uzbekistan . Anyways , I also got to share with them some of my shit because we were talking about what is the worse experience that you had so far and no doubts I have had mine that very morning . Surprisingly , the Japanese girl also had had a really bad experience with a man in her night bus arriving to Shiraz the same morning . Straight after that , I met a New Zealander guy , Eugene , very cool and likeminded as well and after a very positive philosophical chat about life I felt extremely positive again and with the energy of giving the place another chance . Shiraz is well known for the hospitality of its people , or so I heard and I didn 't want hospitality but a walk and dinner without incidents was desirable . With renovated energies , I went out with the sunset with the idea of getting some food ( I barely had eaten one or two fruits during the day ) and checking the shrine I had seen that very morning to see how it was looking in the darkness with all the lights up . That was the plan and when I took one of the streets nearby to find a restaurant , I found a guy next to me all the time and I started being aware of his presence a bit too much . After 5 minutes I noticed he was keeping next to me all the time and by the time he talked to me in Farsi , I decided to take a more passive - aggressive approach than the morning and snapped at him : No Farsi , no understand ! And I kept going my way to make him understand that I was not interested in stopping and chatting with him . He seemed very surprised I was not Persian and I thought that maybe that 's the problem . And then , I thought that the problem is not what I look but their problem . I still had to eat and although I did feel like getting back to the hostel and I lost my appetite , I walked a bit more and ate something nice . And after , I decided that if my plan was to visit the shrine at night time , I should do it or otherwise the day would be reduced to the ugly stories and nothing worth it would have been happening . It seemed to me that this country wanted to take the worse of me out and I was still not willing to let it . I visited the shrine and it was actually nice to see myself knowing how to act and how to put the long veil thing and almost how to wear it ( still couldn 't completely control that ) . I told the security I had already been there in the morning and therefore , I didn 't need any guide to enter the complex . So I entered by myself and wandered a bit before enjoying the sights while sitting down and thinking that this approach to life would be probably also the approach that some societies some time ago had , where there was no technology to entertain and it was simply nice to come to a complex or a square to hang out , get fresh delicious water while it is hot outside and have a walk around in between all the atmosphere . And with such a nice thought , although I couldn 't help to feel sad and disappointed on the experience in this country so far , I went back to my hostel to get some sleep . The next morning I had an early one to visit Persepolis . For the first time in probably my whole life , I was happy to have a tour to do this because I was unsure to do it on my own . After an early breakfast I was in the car on the way to Persepolis , the capital of the Persian Empire ! I was quite excited about this one but I must say that after being architecturally disappointed by under - renovation beautiful mosques , this place overcame my expectations . I more than enjoyed the visit and even remember how I had seen some of this stuff in some books of the history of architecture . It was amazing to have all that in front of me and see the greatness of it . I took pictures and pictures despite being totally exposed to the strong sun and even went up the mountain , where the tomb of some king is to obtain better views of the whole thing together . The climb wasn 't particularly hard , it was short , but the scarf around and the intense heat made it feel like an endless sprint up the hill . There were details everywhere that surprised me a lot . Like the fact that they were already using steel connectors for keeping the massive rocks together , as there was no mortar although the size of the rocks was always changing . Also , the people working in the construction weren 't slaves as you could think and documents stating the payment for the work were found . And finally , the relieves showing unity through more than 30 different nationalities , the peaceful content of the details and the absence of war or threat through the whole thing impressed me very much . The empire had different foundations of what we are used to see . After Persepolis , we also had the chance to visit Nekropolis and this part reminded me so much of the excavated caves in the stone that I saw once in Aurangabad , India … The scale , the rock , the shapes were completely different , of course . But the idea of the human being of excavating a rocky mountain to create a space impresses me very much , especially in these dimensions and at this time of history . We got back to the hostel exhausted by the heat and all I felt I could do was to get some fruits and try to get rest under the air conditioning machine in the room . After a while , the French guy in the room offered to go to get some tea , as we was really thankful for borrowing my laptop for the last two days and I actually always enjoy to talk to one of these persons older than the average that are on the road , so I accepted gladly . We had a walk but it was quite early and nothing would be opened until 8 or 8 . 30pm so we couldn 't find anything but some sweets I smelled from the corner and ended up buying because they looked like " churros " cut in small pieces . By the time it was 8 . 30pm , I went out again , alone , to find something to eat and also to have a walk around some park I had been recommended by the New Zealander guy . According to him , I was almost guaranteed to be approached by locals and have some fun . On the way there , I found a nice shrine , smaller than the one I visited the previous day , which I entered . It makes me curious how locals gather around every place in the city . I ended up arriving to the park . And just there , I had three nice little boys coming to me super excited to say hello to me with a broken English and Farsi words in between . Lovely , I couldn 't be happier . And just when I said goodbye to them to continue my way , I looked at the map at my phone and my phone was blocked , with a white screen and completely useless . I kept walking a bit and when I realised that I had to get back to the hostel , whose name I barely could pronounce and I had no more directions than what was in my phone I realised I should focus in finding the way back to make sure I was getting there at a decent time . Also , I didn 't want to stay without a phone in case something was happening and I needed to ask for help or something . I went back and I was completely unable to make my phone work . I couldn 't believe , it had less than 3 months ! ! ! ! Also , I was really annoyed because I had loads of information inside and not only that , but all the cool pictures I had taken in Persepolis were gone ! ! Nothing could work just for one day … And the funny thing is that I was out of the social picture because facebook doesn 't work in Iran , at least not without a VPN , which I only had in my phone . Everything was upside down … I went to sleep later than I what I wanted because I was trying to make things work . Then , I woke up early the next morning as I had planned to see the Pink Mosque very early ; when they say that the lights are more spectacular . But in the middle of breakfast , while I was talking to the French man about what happened and he left me his phone to research about this , my phone started going crazy again and after a while , it started working . Holy f * ck ! I run away to get my computer and recover the pictures while it was holding together . Then , I started getting all texts from people and things went back to normal , finally . Unfortunately , that kept me busy and I didn 't get to the mosque as early as I was expecting , but I must say it was still beautiful . I took my time there to relax , to breathe , to meditate and to enjoy the colours of the lights playing in the Persian carpets . That was all the planning for the day besides packing . I was leaving that night and unfortunately , the French guy who was thinking to take the night bus to Yazd as well , would be probably changing his plans , so I had to do it alone . This is probably the first time that I do mind to do something alone . I wanted to avoid any other negative experience . Whatever it was going to happen , I had more or less decided by this stage that I wouldn 't be taking the flight I had on the 4th of July , as I had planned . It felt too much time in this country and although I am not running away from it just yet , I did decide to speed things up instead of chilling in the cities in search of " adventures " and simply head north as soon as possible to cross the border to Azerbaijan , my next destination . I am not throwing the towel just yet but I started making up my mind about things here . The way to the station was tough and I regretted my decision of walking all the way there . But I had a good moment in the middle , when I stopped for food and I met a lovely woman with her son . They were speaking to me all the time , asking me lots of questions with the help of the translator on her phone . When her husband came , she introduced us and then she asked me for my phone . I gladly gave it to her . After that , I continued my way , a bit scared and a bit concerned about the night journey . But everything was fine . People went the extra mile , as usual , to help me finding the correct bus ( I always had my doubts here , I am too used to the touts in bus stations at other countries and I always get suspicious ) and once I got in to the bus , everything was smooth with the exception that the driver was crazy and was also playing crazy Arabic music all the way , so my slept was not really good but not totally horrible . We arrived to Yazd before I was expecting , it was past 5am and still dark , so I decided that my day could not start just yet and find a spot inside the bus station to sleep a little bit before anything . Two hours after I woke up and I was ready for it ! Isfahan : Days in " family " 27 June , 201727 June , 2017Leave a comment After a dreadful night bus and not much sleep , I got to Isfahan at 5 . 30 am . Horrible timing . My host Nader was obviously sleeping , although he had kindly said to me that he didn 't mind at all an early arrival . I had his address pinned on a map but that was about it , as we agreed to talk in the morning once I was there . When I could wake him up by whatsapp and get the full address to make sure I had something to show to the taxi driver in case of not understanding each other , I was ready to take a taxi . I used the Iranian Uber and I suffered the harassment by a few taxi drivers around the station . I even got to get in the wrong car because he affirmed he was my taxi driver and to be honest , it is still difficult to me to read Farsi numbers ( although I am learning them ) especially at that time in the morning . After being in the wrong car once and almost get into another one , I got a call from my driver and more or less understood where he was . I didn 't hang up and I found the man talking on the phone , great ! I could get there now . I arrived to Nader 's home and he met me downstairs and got me to the apartment . His dad was already up and around , shirtless . I suppose I was impressed to see some flesh for the first time in the country . We sat down in the sofas and I tried to make some talk with some questions , but I was tired and conversation wasn 't fluid . After a few courtesy questions , I got to ask what had been wandering in my mind since I entered the door : Where do I sleep , is it in the couch ? It was a simple question just to double check I was not sharing the bed with anybody , before creating any misunderstanding . He pointed out the empty room with a bed that I had seen from the beginning and then said he would sleep in this other room with the door closed , so I relaxed when I understood there was another room . After a while , we decided to get back to sleep and I got some real sleep , finally . Once we woke up , we had something to eat and stayed home because it was already midday and too hot to do anything at all . Also , Nader had to study because he was in exam period for college . And after a while , his parents came in with food for everybody ( they don 't practise Ramadan in this family , quite good for me ) , so we sat down on the table together and ate . Then , Nabiid appeared . Nabiid was Nader 's younger brother , he was still in High school . They were a lovely family and asked me about stuff and especially the dad was hilarious and managed his way in English very well . He joked about my first name and also about my last name because in Persian " lop " is something like cheek . Then , he remembered that that evening there was a funeral on the side of Nader 's mum and he asked me if I wanted to go . He said I look very Iranian and they would take me and it would be okay . I said to him I might look like but I don 't speak and I resolved that I could be dumb or they could just say that I am shy . I started believing all this while finding it hilarious because they were joking about everything but quite serious about taking me to the funeral . I didn 't mind at all , another different experience . Although funerals are not really something that appeals me that much , it started being curious about how they would behave there if they were laughing so much about it here . Anyways , after food the whole family gathered in the sofa area in front of the TV and laughed and had a great time in general while drinking tea . It was very much like the Spanish siesta time , where out there is too hot to do anything and you stay at home until you have to get back to work . Before 5pm everyone left the house to get back to work . Nader and I stayed for a bit longer and then got ready to go to the main square in Isfahan . He had to get a book around there and he would show me around a bit . We got there and it was brilliant , the second biggest square in the world ( the first one is in Beijing , where I was flying from just a few days ago ) . We sat down on the grass for a while until the sun was almost gone to have a walk around it because otherwise there was no cover from the sun . Then we got to see a bit of one of the mosques and sat down in front of it a chill . We started talking about a lot of stuff and having a great time and then we started walking back home . There was only one thing I didn 't enjoy hearing and was that it is banned to ride bicycles for girls . Alone . Which meant that if I was riding with him it would probably be okay but I couldn 't do it alone . He was super nice to say that if he found another bike he would come with me so I don 't get in trouble . We were entertained talking and it wasn 't that hot so we made all the way home walking , it took us almost an hour . By the time we got home , everyone was there already and then I was invited to have a look to an energy class that was going on in the apartment of Nader 's sister , just three floors above from where we were . I thought it was a minor thing and I actually got to ask if I needed to put y scarf on or change because I was in short sleeve . They said it was fine and when I popped there , I saw a lot of women and also men and women were all covered up and I felt violent there just looking like that . They invited me to come in and have tea and cake and they got to clap when I got in . How embarrassing . Also , I couldn 't speak the language , so it was worse . When we finished tea and cake we left because the class had to start and we were not invited to the class . I couldn 't wait because I didn 't really want to stay , feeling that uncomfortable and not able to understand anything . When we got back , I actually thought we were at some other apartment because there were also people here ! Nader 's mum had arrived from the funeral with part of the family of the deceased . We sat down and had more tea and the usual humour in the family started flourishing . The guests asked about me , obviously and then one of them started asking me questions in broken English in a hilarious way . He asked me about money , about my family here ( here ? No family here ) and other stuff while the rest of the family was laughing at the situation . That 's how the day ended up . Full of situations , stories and stuff going on all thThe next morning , he was visibly tired and we got a taxi with different destinations . He was going to the library and I was going to the main square to visit a few places over there . My morning was kind of getting ruined by thinking of what had ( or hadn 't ) happened and tried to make a fresh start when entering the mosque . I visited the place I had seen with him yesterday by myself , and I ventured myself to every corner . It was disappointing to see that , for the full price of the ticket , you mostly see scaffoldings and restricted areas everywhere . But the place was beautiful . As I wasn 't in any hurry and wanted to find some vibes coming from the place , I sat down quietly in a corner . A security guy came and asked me for the ticket and then welcomed me a few times , asked me where I was from and asked me for picture . I took one with my phone as well , why not . Then , another man came , joined the conversation and when I was about to leave the place , asked me if I wanted to see the roof . Of course I wanted to . I waited for him to be back a few minutes and then he took me to a locked door he had to open with a key and hid from everybody to this , we both came in and closed down the door behind us . Everything was dark and narrow and I had to use the flashlight in my phone . We took some stairs and then , there was another locked door and we continue to go up by narrower stairs until arriving at the top of the minaret . There , I had to walk in squat position all the time because nobody could see me there . It was fantastic and I got to enjoy great views of the square , the mosque 's courtyard and the dome . Such a privilege ! We had to hide again to be able to get out without anybody noticing us and I thanked the man more than a few times . After that , I sat down in front of the mosque to take a break and see where I was going next . A guy came close to me ; we started a conversation and invited me to have a espresso in his carpet shop , with no commitment to anything . I felt like it and we went to his shop , where we were chatting for a while . He had seen me the previous day with Nader but , although he wanted to talk to me , he didn 't because I was with someone else . This guy was also in the couchsurfing community and we were chatting about this as well . Then he offered to have lunch with him and maybe have a shisha or something like that , but I told him I really wanted to visit some palace nearby and he offered to go with me and then go for the shisha . It was cool and he was explaining me lots of cool stuff about the palace . We ended up going for the shisha to his place , which I didn 't expect but certainly didn 't mind . But it was then when I realised I should make myself clear and set up some limits , Nader had called me in between and told me there was lunch at his place and it was his favourite , so I told Nader I would be getting to his place in an hour or so because I wanted to finish off seeing stuff and then , I told this guy about this and about my fiancé . And it helped , and a lot . Because he obviously was thinking further up to what we were doing and with that he seemed to understand the situation . He told me about some long distance relationship he had had with an Australian girl that had been in Iran for a couple of months and how the body needs this and than and how human contact and hugs and … . lots of bullshit . I suppose he had to try . We had a nice chat , anyways and when I felt the time was right I told him I should go and went to Nader 's house to have lunch . There , as Nader still had to study a bit , I was offered to go with his mum to her work . She owns a beauty salon and I thought it would be fun . Also fun because she actually can 't speak English . When we arrived there , there was chocolate and I made coffee . It seemed perfect . Not many clients came in during the evening and , although I was worried about the results of my visit because Iranian women use way too much makeup and overdo in their nails and eyebrows , it didn 't turn out very badly . I got my nails polished in red , then I got a few braids in my hair and after refusing they did my eyebrows , I finally had to let them because they were making me feel like a hairy manly truck driver with eyebrows and hair in my arms and no make up … The result was acceptable , though but I never understood why so much over do when you cannot show half of it in the street . After a while , Naviid who was Nader 's brother came in and I found a bit odd that the helper of Nader 's mum immediately covered her hair . The dad came after a while and all together we decided to go for a walk around the river , mainly because I had previously said that I love bridges and I wanted to see the cool bridges here . Nader joined us after a while and we all visited Khajoo bridge , a 33 archs bridge that would be glorious to see when there is water in the river because it deviates the water and creates some shapes with the course of the river but still was amazing to visit . There were many different curiosities about it and I was delighted I was with them to explain me . I got to see some reflected lights in the exact location of the eyes of some tiger at the opposite shore . And I also got to check how the sounds are transported by the structure of the archs in the bridge . I could hear Nader whispers to a wall from the opposite wall of the arch ! Then , we all took a taxi home and enjoyed a bit of omelette and tea and dates . If there is a huge discovery that I have made here is Iranian dates . I can 't stop eating them at all hours . The night went by with no more incidents and the next day was Friday , which is free for everybody . So we spent the day chilling at home and not doing much . Nader and Naviid taught me how to play Backgammon and although I suck we had a great time and not much more was done during the day . I was kind of expecting all day for Nader 's dad to take me to the dessert , as he had promised the day before but none of that happened . It wasn 't a big deal , I hadn 't insisted on it either because I wasn 't hugely fascinated by going to the dessert , but I was kind of counting on the plan for the day . When the night came in , Nader said goodbye and I actually didn 't understand but then he texted me and I understood that he was leaving and not coming back , I suppose for his exams , which were to start the following day . The rest of the family and me took a cab to go to some mountain where the air was fresh and temperatures were a bit cooler . We enjoyed a saffron ice cream and great views of the city and came back to the house to get some omelette as well . I like this Spanish time where we were eating a 12pm . What can I say . I was thinking of taking a bit of the next morning for me , for getting ready and go to take a bus towards Shiraz but everything was changed when I woke up and Ali , Nader 's dad , the cool dad that had been to Thailand lots of times and wanted to travel the world ( probably without family ) offered to take me to some places close to his work and then I could get back , pack and go . That 's what I understood , but something different happened . We went first to some mosque with something they were calling shaking minarets . But it was early and they were not going to shake the minarets until an hour after . I am still quite unsure what was that about . Then we went to where he works and walk to the Jame Mosque , which he got me into as Iranian citizen ( cheap ticket ) and showed me a couple of things about the mosque before he was going back to work and leaving me there to explore it by myself . I had my doubts at the beginning about the plan but I enjoyed the mosque . It actually had the peaceful vibes I was looking for , as it is used for praying and not only visiting and also , it was beautiful architecturally . I enjoyed so much the vaults with different designs in brick , each of them different … When I finished I texted Ali and he came to pick me up with a motorbike . It was okay to seat at the back of the motorbike but also , a woman cannot drive a motorbike , I learnt . We came back to his shop and at the time of closing , came back home to get lunch . There , I met his secretary and would find out and confirm that here it is okay and more than normal to have several boyfriends ( and girlfriends in the case ) and that you needed one for going to the cinema , one for going for dinner , one for sleeping … and then you get married with the one that has more money . Understood . I made clear that I only believe in having one boyfriend ( I believe that one is enough hassle ) and tried to made my point unsuccessfully . During the way home and while waiting for the rest of the family , Ali actually came closer to me , also physically and I am not sure if it was something natural because I had been part of the family ( and truly felt part of it at some times ) or it wasn 't natural at all , because I have found myself mistrusting everyone . Anyways , we got there for lunch later than expected to take a bus anywhere , and definitely not what we had agreed . But he also had said the previous night I couldn 't leave without having beryni , the dish typical from Isfahan and there wasn 't any of that for lunch . But it was set I would be leaving this day because I felt like moving and also because my feelings were more and more mixed about everything . I also needed some space for me and being alone and make plans of my own ; in general staying and trying for myself . After lunch , Ali was going somewhere and he asked me if I wanted to join , but with the excuse that I had to pack I avoided that . I didn 't feel like being alone with him again . There was something that made me uncomfortable and although I felt bad for thinking like that of him , all I have with me is my instincts and always try to follow them ( this is not right to say it here , but time would prove that I wasn 't wrong , unfortunately ) . So I stayed home with Naviid around and packed my shit and played backgammon with him . Ali came back , with another girl to host . She was a Chinese girl living in Manchester and the kind of girl that is bloody perfect at everything . We all gathered for tea , chatted around and went for carrot juice with saffron ice cream , because this girl loved it and it seemed like a great idea . During the way , she gathered all of Ali 's attention and I wondered if I had been wrong to push him away a bit because he seemed genuine with her as well , or he was kind of having " a strategy " . Then I thought I was going paranoid and I really had to leave whatever it was , just for my sanity . So after the juice we came back , I hugged everyone and took a taxi to the bus station , where I had a late night bus to get to Shiraz , the city where they say the most beautiful women are . I took the bus with strange mixed feelings all over the place , thankful and paranoid . Overall , I was happy to keep going and get back to the road . But still unsettled about the country and all the feelings I have . It 's a rollercoaster . |
Away From Reality I 've always thought that I get the weirdest , craziest dreams ever . Like , zomgwtf kind of crazyweird insaneness . I haven 't got a clue if they mean anything but wth , I thought I 'd just jot them down anyway . These are not daydreams or something I imagined . These are the stuff I dreamt of while I was fast asleep . It may , well , most likely will not make any sense . Some may be very descriptive , these would be the ones I remember clearly , others might be sketchy . But these are my mind trips away from reality . I was at working at my current office with my current colleague PC1 . PC1 and I then decided to move outside , so we sat at a small table outside the building while discussing about work . Our boss BM walked out , looked at us and left . Soon it was lunchtime so we went back in . Angeli stopped by at my cube for something and then PC1 , PC2 , Angeli , Annie and I went out for lunch . I drove . When we came back , Angeli noticed her purse was missing . I told her she might have left it in the car or at my cube . While she checked in the car , I went back to my cube and found her purse there . Then all of us were outside again , except Angeli . We were looking at a construction site of a multiple storey building and were discussing about it . We then decided to go and have a closer look . When we got close , there was a huge white wall . There were steps on the wall so everyone started climbing the wall , one by one . I told the rest of them that something was wrong with the place . The others just brushed it off and kept climbing . I was second last to climb , PC1 was last . I climbed one step and my purse fell into a drain at the bottom of the steps . I had to come back down and get it so PC1 started climbing . I stuck my hand into the drain which was full of dirty water and pulled my purse out . The contents of the purse fell out so I had to put them all back in . By the time I was done , all of my colleagues were missing . I assumed they finished climbing and reached the top . I continued climbing and kept feeling something was very wrong . When I reached the top of the steps I couldn 't go further . There was an electrical box with switches . It looked like a combination of switches that will open a door or something . I didn 't know the combination so I didn 't want to risk opening it . I had a feeling my colleagues were trapped inside and switching on a wrong combination will result in something bad . So I climbed down and walked back to the office instead . Now the office was no longer my office , but looked like a room rather , and it was mine . When I got in , there were 2 things I noticed . The dressing table 's mirror was full of writings in red . There was also something that was like a snow globe . It had a big round ball inside it , which was also full of writings . I took the snow globe and kept flipping it around to read the writings because the ball kept bobbing around in water inside the globe . It was a message from PC1 to me . She said I was right about the place . The building we climbed earlier was actually a hideout for a gang of robbers . There was an event in town , some kind of enchanting dance show which everyone will leave their homes to watch . The robbers were planning to rob as many places as they could in that gap of time . Since my colleagues stumbled into them , they were going to hold them captive till then . I was in a complete frenzy , getting all the information sorted , planning an escape for my colleagues . At one point , the globe broke , the water spilled out and the writings on the ball inside was somehow ruined . The writings on the mirror started fading too . In the midst of things , I received a letter from the leader of the gang . He even addressed himself as Mr ( I can 't remember the name ) and was very formal in informing me that if I informed anyone or tried anything , my colleagues ' life will be at stake . I was even more terrified by now , fearing for the safety of my colleagues . I was racking my brain on what to do next … I was a fugitive along with a bunch of people . We were innocent and we were trying to prove it , at the same time evading from being captured . I was with the girls while the guys went to get something done . We were at this building and I was firing shots to figure something out . Then I was discovered by a guy who knew I was being hunted . I started running but was caught . He said he was going turn me in . I told him we were innocent and asked " What if I can show you proof that we are in fact innocent ? " He ignored me and continue to inform the authorities . I had a backpack with me and pretended to rummage through it while he talked to some people . One guy came towards me and tried to snatch my person away from me . I figured he was trying to get hold of my identity stuff so I grabbed my backpack and ran . The other girls we waiting for me outside and we ran for our lives . We kept running as far as we could , blended into the crowd and got away . There was this woman , living in a big house . And she had a maid . I was in the house with her . The maid was locking up when a few guys tried to break in , pushing their way in through the front door . The maid screamed and they harassed her . She was screaming and crying . Then she went up to complain to the woman . She even showed bruises on her arms and was crying . The woman just laughed at her and said " This was just a test for you " . I was baffled and angry at the same time . I confronted her and tried talking to her about it . She just brushed me off and laughed more . I was so pissed at her but I got up and left . The beginning of the dream was actually a memory of my trip to Ledang waterfall with my colleague . Suddenly I was in KL with Manisha , Vijay and another unidentified person . We parked our car in a big mall , walked and took a train to get to someplace . Later on when we were trying to get back , somehow we ended up in Orchard Road , Singapore . We were trying to retrace our steps to get back to the parking lot in that mall . Then Vijay decided that since we were in Orchard Road , we might as well spend some time there . I can 't remember if we ever got back to the car . Couldn 't remember much about the dream . The only part I remember was when my better half ( in the dream ) was telling me he had not been true to me since a particular incident . And I was just … broken . I couldn 't remember the beginning of the dream but I was in my old house in Malacca . I was in my room with sis , in the dream she was already working in military and our house was surrounded by people with guns and snipers . We were lying face down on the bed . I remember seeing the red laser light from the sniper dancing on the wall . I got up and tried get out from my room and I was shot on the back of my head . At the same time , shots were fired everywhere into the house . I tried to get to my parents in the master bedroom . I then touched my head where I was shot and realized the bullet didn 't go all the way in . I dug it out with my fingers and threw it on the ground . I clearly remember the feel of the wound and the bullet lodged in it . I had a whole bunch dreams the entire night that didn 't make sense . But I remember this part the most . I was driving / walking when I heard a loud bump . A little boy got hit by a car and was lying on the road . He was not moving . Then this lady ( I was thinking maybe it 's him mom ) was screaming . She screamed and screamed while grabbing on to her son . Reality : When I woke up , I remembered her scream . I told mom about the dream before leaving to work . 2 days later I read this in the news . I was going to a wedding . I was wearing a saree , the wedding was in a church . My dad drove me there , parked the car and sat in the car while I went . I walked up to the church , changed my mind , walked halfway back to the car , changed my mind again , and walked back into the church . A friend complimented me on the way I looked , I smiled . I was looking for J to sit with him but I couldn 't find him . So I sat with my friend and his wife instead . No idea what happened next , but I was on a bus heading somewhere . Again I was trying to sit beside J but someone else took the seat next to him . I sat at a window seat and was looking out . I noticed there seemed to be plenty of weddings going on . This family drove by with a bride in the car . She was wearing a wedding gown while the rest of her family were in Indian traditional outfits . The bus I was on was crossing a bridge over a river / sea . A jetty came into view and I realized the family was walking on the jetty , with the father leading . He walked really fast as if he was angry . I wondered if he was going to jump into the water . He walked right up to the edge and threw a wedding garland into the water . Suddenly the bride stormed off in the opposite direction , heading to another lower jetty on the side . Her family tried to grab her but she ran and jumped into the water ( dress , bouquet and all . ) Her father jumped in after her , followed by the rest of her family ( a few ladies in Malayalee saree and two young boys ) . I ordered something in KFC while my family ate at another restaurant opposite to it . Before I could receive my order my family decided to leave . We were driving away and I was like " what about my KFC " so my dad decided to pull over from the main road into this path that lead to a shady apartment . Somehow I was inside the apartment , it was very old and rundown with water dripping everywhere . I came across this room which was open . The TV in the room was on but I couldn 't see anyone . I called out a couple of times if someone 's there . The TV was turned off . I knew then that someone was inside but I was afraid to go in . I stepped in anyway and came face to face with this woman started attacking me . Suddenly her partner , a guy , appeared out of nowhere and attacked me too . I was trying to push the woman away when I realized the guy was standing with his back against the window . I pushed him out of the window , he fell backwards . Then I struggled with the woman and ended up pushing her down the stairs . She fell and broke her neck . I escaped from the place . Can 't remember the start or end to this dream . I was visiting my father in the hospital . He seemed fine , I didn 't what his ailment was . But he seemed okay . There was a bed next to him but it was empty . The second time I visit him , there was a patient in the bed beside him . I don 't know if the patient was alive but his / her body was burnt from head to to , almost every part was bloody . The patient was lying in a fetal position , wrapped in some kind of see through plastic . I shuddered at the sight and moved on to meet my father . And I was shocked to find my father in a horrible state . His skin was peeling of , it wasn 't his skin to be exact , it 's as if there 's a layer of transparent - ish skin on his and it was peeling and falling apart . He was drinking from a cup and a nurse came around to check on him . I was in confused state and was very worried about what was wrong with my father . Can 't remember most of the dream . But I remember being on a boat with my family . It was like the boathouse in Kerala , only it was bigger and accommodated more people . And we were on water , I don 't know if it was a sea or river . This is the part I remember most . I peeked out of the living area in the boat and saw the most beautiful sunset . I quickly grabbed my camera and stepped outside . There was a Caucasian couple lounging outside . I went as close as I could to the edge of the boat and peeked into my camera 's viewfinder . Suddenly I heard the couple going " Oh my God ! " behind me . I turned around to look at them and they were looking at the sky where I pointed my camera at . I turned back to the front and the sunset was clouded by a huge dark cloud . It seemed to be split in the middle by a lightning . And standing in that split , enshrouded by the cloud , was Jesus . I am not a Christian but I quite positive that it was him . He was in a blue robe , right arm stretched downwards , left arm folded halfway across his chest as if he was holding something . I was stunned and my heartbeat went crazy . I turned again to look at the couple behind me . They too seemed awestruck . Then they looked at me and said " Get a picture ! " . I fumbled with my camera and tried to find him through my viewfinder but couldn 't . I looked at the sky again and the couple told me that he got bigger , almost covering the entire sky . I never got to take that picture . I met J . We checked into this hotel , it didn 't look very posh , in fact it was kinda shady . There were 4 floors , we got the room on 4th floor . It was a really small hotel , everywhere seemed cramped , and the elevator was not working so we took the stairs . After we got to the 3rd floor , the staircase leading up to 4th floor was a really tiny spiral staircase . I could only place half my feet on the steps . We climbed up and our room was on the rooftop , it had an open air area overlooking the most beautiful view ever , it was right by the sea with little islands here and there . It was late evening and the sun was setting , it was undoubtedly the most beautiful place I 've ever seen in my dream . The sky was orange and pink , it was so pretty . I was slightly dismayed that I didn 't have my camera with me to take a shot of it . And while J climbed over to that open air area , J accidentally tipped a bird nest over . Two baby birds in it were hatched but there was one egg in the nest and it broke . And the little birds were wailing whyyyyyy and J said awwww I 'm so sorry . Cutest little things they were . The open air area was like a garden with long grass swaying in the wind and all . I was wearing a white long flowy dress . We held hands , spun round and around laughing . I don 't remember clearly what was next but I remember us checking out . And I went downstairs to catch a cab because J needed go back to the airport . It was so crowded and nobody wanted to take me . I was asking to go to Orchard Road ( Singapore ) but the cabs were like auto rickshaws in India . J disappeared and later I found J left to the airport without me because it was getting too late . I was an assassin . I was in a boat with the lead assassin who feels very much like / could be my own father , I can 't remember others on the team but I remember another girl who 's also in the team . We steered the boat right up to this huge lakeside house and while we were closing in , we shot 2 men dead on the lawn . Then we got down and went into the house looking for our primary target . He was a fat businessman like guy , he was balding and was wearing a suit . The lead assassin got him and tortured him a bit , I can 't really tell if he was interrogating but there was blood . And then he was dead , either shot or had his throat slit . This happened in the kitchen and there was blood drips and splotches everywhere . My task was to clean up the kitchen and remove all evidence of us being there . The other girl was there too and she had a baby girl with her , it was her daughter . The girl appeared to be mentally unstable and I was very gentle when I told her not to force her baby as she was trying to make her baby sit up . I wiped blood off the floor , sink and table . I rinsed the cloth I was using , I had blood on my hand , I kept rinsing and wiping till everything was clean . There was a container full of blood and water in the sink . I cleaned that up too . Every time I opened a cabinet / drawer , I was careful to use another cloth to hold the handle so that I don 't leave finger prints . The lead assassin then came , praised me for having a good job done with the cleaning and noted that he was impressed that I was very careful . I didn 't know what happened to the dead guy but his body was gone . We were leaving the house in a posh black SUV and just as we reversed , I could see two cops walking down the road , doing their daily patrol . We realized the two dead men were still on the lawn . We sort of slowed down , blocking the lawn , let the cops catch up with us , made small talk and jokes . They laughed and walked away . One of the cops was cute and he smiled at me . I waved at him from the back seat . We were at a house . My mom was there with us . She finds blood stains under the sofa and asks if it was our doing . I pretended to not know anything . I was at a mansion . It was really old and run - down . I was there with a team of some sort , we were there to put an end to a really badass ghost haunting the place . Before we got to the ghost , there was a series of little ghosts that we had to get rid of first . When we were done , we waited for the badass one to come . She seemed quite lifeless by then so we started scraping at her skin to reveal her layers . Her skin was full of tattoos that came off when scrapped . I scrapped and scrapped away . I was at my old house ( Seri Selendang ) in Malacca . My mom was a murderer / assassin of some sort . She goes around killing really bad people . And my dad is forced to be her accomplice . She had killed 4 men before and it was her first time killing a woman . This woman seemed like some sort of high profile big shot . Mom ended up killing her and her husband . Woman was clubbed , husband was stabbed . I was following Dad on a job to kill a man . Never actually got around to it , but dad was clearly unhappy about doing it . We were at an open air top floor of some shopping complex waiting . I chewed and spat gum from the top floor while waiting . There was a murder . Someone / a family got murdered in a house . Details are vague . The murderers were young Indian boys who did it for money . I was walking with one of the boys to the house . I asked him how and why he did it . He nonchalantly said that it was nothing for him and did it as he was promised money for it . We went to the house through the back alley . A woman in the house who was cooking , opened the door for us . She took one look at us , started screaming , grabbed a knife and stabbed wildly at us . We avoided her stabs while attempting to explain we came in peace . She calmed down and let us in . We spoke about the murder and that the boy didn 't mean to do it . There was crying . And hugs . She gave us a phone number on a scrap of paper . I remember seeing numbers 0 , 9 , 8 , 1 and 2 . I left the house alone and walked out of the back alley . I was suddenly in a busy town that felt like some part of Thailand . I met some of my colleagues , Grace from Finance being the one I remember most . We hung out and parted ways after sometime . At one point I was on a bus and was holding something that looked like a power plug . I got down from the bus and started looking for a tuk tuk . There was a huge crowd and everyone was waiting for the tuk tuks . I walked away from the crowd hoping to find a tuk tuk . Suddenly I met mom . And I realized I wasn 't wearing any shoes so I had to go back to someplace to get it . I told mom we needed to find a tuk tuk . I walked barefooted through muddy alleys to find a tuk tuk but not one was in sight . I was at the back of my old house ( Seri Selendang ) in Malacca when I saw an insanely huge cobra slithering down the drain behind the house . It raised its head and attempted to enter through the back gate . I grabbed a water hose and sprayed water on it . It went down into the drain again . I ran back inside , closed the back door and alerted everyone in the house about the snake . Mom and bro wanted to see it and a while later they came to me saying that they had caught the snake . They showed me a small container with a worm - like snake in it . I told them it wasn 't the snake I saw . They weren 't convinced . I told mom to close the back door but she wouldn 't listen . The snake I saw made its way back through the back gate and was at the back door . It raised itself again and was as standing as high as my back door . Its head was easily the size of a tennis racket and had a soft pink snout . Mom saw it and quickly closed the door . I told mom to call the firefighters . I peeked through the kitchen window and saw the snake slither right to side of the window . I was then able to see it up close . It now had the head of a woman with black hair knotted in tight tiny little buns around the head . Its white underside and the nape of its neck was full of Chinese characters written in black . Its body was huge and patterned like a python . " This wall is like the leaves . I can hear you . I only want to see you and speak to you . " Its voice was the kind of soothing , convincing voice you 'd hear from someone who sounded nice but actually meant harm . I felt it was more like the snake actually meant " I want to eat you " . I also felt like it could read my mind . We closed all the doors and it couldn 't get in . After some time , for some reason , we ( mom , bro , sis in law , sis and me ) went outside and got into the car . We saw the cobra leave through the back gate . I told everyone it will come back , that it was not going away . Again no one was convinced . A drain appeared along the stretch of the wall that separates my house and my neighbour 's . The snake came back through that drain . Mom asked everyone to get into the car and left my brother to take on the snake . He waited with a spear in his hand . As the snake got closer , suddenly he seemed to be incoherent and said he couldn 't see the snake . I felt like the snake manipulated my brother 's mind . I got out of the car and grabbed the spear from him to take on the snake myself . The snake then raised up and showed itself . It looked almost like a real woman . It laughed at me and went to the car . I thought it wanted to get my family so I stabbed at it over and over again but it seemed to be impenetrable . No matter how hard I stabbed , my spear bounced off its body . It laughed at me and said that I could never stab it . Suddenly I found myself to be face to face with it and jabbed my spear into its throat , right below its jaw . I stabbed so hard that the tip of my spear penetrated into its throat and showed when it opened its mouth to scream . I twisted and pushed my spear further into its head till it was dead . Reality : I was quite awake . I had my phone nearby and knew it will ring again soon . I just laid there on the bed , feeling as is fear was stopping me from getting up . I was clearly aware that it was only a dream but yet I still had fear lingering around . The alarm went off again . I got off the bed , turned on the light and was fully back to reality . It was 6 . 30 am . I had the bestest dream last night . Your family came over , I remember seeing Dad & David but not Mum . Think she was off shopping . We met , and you and I went off together . We checked into this hotel , it didn 't look very posh , in fact it was kinda shady . There were 4 floors , we got the room on 4th floor . It was a really small hotel , everywhere seemed cramped , and the elevator was not working so we took the stairs . After we got to the 3rd floor , the staircase leading up to 4th floor was a really tiny spiral staircase . Like u can only place half your feet on the steps . We climbed up and what ' dya know , our room was on the rooftop , it had open air area overlooking the most beautiful view ever , it was right by the sea with little islands here and there . It was late evening and the sun was setting , I swear it was the most beautiful place I 've ever seen in my dream . The sky was orange and pink , it was so pretty ! And while you climbed over to that open air area , you accidentally tipped a bird nest over , it was funny cuz 2 baby birds were already hatched but there was one egg in the nest and it broke . And the little birds were wailing vaaaaiiiiii and u were like awwww I 'm so sorry . Cutest little things they were . The open air area was like a garden with long grass swaying in the wind and all . I was wearing a white long flowy dress like the one u got me . We held hands and spun round and around laughing . I don 't remember clearly what was next but I remember us checking out . And I went downstairs to catch a cab because you needed go back to the airport to go home to NZ . It was so crowded and nobody wanted to take me . I was asking to go to Orchard Road ( Singapore ) but the cabs were like auto rickshaws in India . U disappeared and later I found you 've already left to the airport without me cuz u were late . I used to dream on and off about me hanging out with the dead ones without realising they are dead ( all of them ) . Having all these nightmares for the past few years . Some are pieces of short dream that might appear in news as well clearly showing what I saw in my dream . |
Victoria hurried to the door , glancing back up towards the stairs mindful of Johnny and Katie sleeping upstairs . " Just a second , " she hissed , her hair still damp from the shower . She glanced out of the side window , sighing as she saw Billy standing there anxiously shifting from foot to foot . He shook his head . " Neither am I . I 'm actually looking for Phyllis . I thought maybe she might have come over to talk to you . " He hesitated , " but I 'm guessing she 's not here . " " I told her that I 'd talked to you tonight about the wedding and then she suddenly had things to take care of . I thought maybe she was going to come over here and try to get you to change your mind , but I guess not . She should have been back by now and I 'm probably just being paranoid . " He stopped talking for a moment , realizing Victoria wouldn 't be the least bit sympathetic to his plight . " Anyway , " he sighed , " Guess I 'll check the house . She was going to take some measurements for window treatments . Maybe that 's where she is . " He turned but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm . " Th . . The house ? " She forced the words from her lips , trying not to look as terrified as she felt . " She wouldn 't be there this late would she ? " Her heart pounded inside her chest , so loud she was afraid he could surely hear it . Billy smiled slightly . " We 've had some guys working on the front porch and doing some landscaping and she doesn 't like being there when they 're all there . Apparently one of them keeps asking her to lunch . I don 't know . Anyway , she likes to go after hours so she can get a few things done without all the noise and interruptions . " " Did you try calling her ? " She couldn 't have been there . There was no way . She would have seen a light or something , wouldn 't she ? Did she even look ? Did she even bother to check ? Victoria shook her head quickly . " Well you should try her again , " she snapped , pointing to the phone that was in always in his pocket . " Try her again ! " Billy narrowed his eyes . " Why are you so worried about … " His hand reached for his phone , holding it just as it started to ring . " Ah , " he said with a smile , looking down at the screen as he saw her number . He placed the phone to his ear . " I was starting to get worried , " he said softly , turning his back towards Victoria . She watched as his shoulders tensed . " What ? Yes . Yes . Oh my God . Is she alright ? Of course . Of course I can . Yes . Yes . I 'm on my way . Please tell her I 'm on my way . " She watched him as he threw himself into the car and careened down the dark street . Her stomach lurched as she forced a breath into her body , and sank down onto the cushion of the couch , the smell of gasoline still strong on the jacket that lay across the sofa 's back . " My God , " she whispered , " What have I done ? " " Hold on . One question at a time - they 've got in the exam room right now . She 's not conscious , but that 's very common with smoke inhalation . The fire was reported very quickly by the neighbors so the hope is she wasn 't inside long enough to sustain any serious damage to her lungs or any serious burns . " " Mr . Abbott , We aren 't here to ask you questions about the fire . We 're here to get information to help with the case . We 've already got a pretty good idea of the circumstances that led to the fire at your house tonight . " There was silence for a moment as the information set in . " Wait a minute . " Billy blinked a few times , his mind reeling . " You 're telling me somebody intentionally set my house on fire . Someone wanted my house to burn down ? Someone wanted to kill my fiancé ? Who would do something like that ? " His breath caught in his throat . " I … I have no idea , but whatever you need … . if it 's money or resources or experts - you let me know . Money is no object . I want this person found . I want them caught and I want them punished as harshly as possible and I want it done fast . Just tell me what to do . " The officer nodded . " Really sir , the only thing we need you to do right now is to think of anyone who might want to do hurt you or your fiancé . Think of anyone who had a reason to want to see the two of you unhappy . Think of people that may feel wronged by something you 've done . It could be a jealous ex or a disgruntled co - worker . Just think about it and if you come up with anything - even something that seems like nothing … " He handed Billy a business card , " just call me . " " They don 't know anything yet . They 're still examining her . " He stared at her , his mind spinning with possibilities . " You know , Vic . I can appreciate the fact that you 're trying here , but you really shouldn 't be here . It 's clear the way you feel about Phyllis and I really can 't handle you pretending to be all broken up … " " Billy . " Her hand brushed his arm . " I never wanted anything like this to happen . I didn 't . I mean just because I don 't like her doesn 't mean I ever wished anything like this would happen . " " Right , " he huffed sarcastically , " You just never wanted me to be with her . You just never wanted us to be happy . It killed you that we were getting married , that we might be living a life , having a family , moving into that house … " The words floated through the air for a moment . His eyes flashed with the idea , as if hearing the words out loud suddenly made the concept a living , breathing possibility . She heard it in his voice . It was a mix of disbelief , disgust , anger , shame , and disappointment . " I never meant for this to happen , " she said softly . " I swear , Billy . I never meant . " " I don 't . " He ran his hands over his face , swallowing hard to quell the overwhelming urge to scream . " I don 't even know what to say to you right now . Phyllis could … " " No . No . No . No … . " She stammered , desperate to make him understand . " Listen , please listen . I need you to hear this . If you don 't hear anything else . If you don 't ' believe anything else , please believe this . I had no idea she was in that house . I had no idea she was inside . I swear it , Billy . I would never ever do that . " Billy whirled around , his eyes flashing in rage as he looked at her . " Get out of here , " he snarled . " I don 't want to talk to you . I don 't want to hear you . I don 't want to look at you . " " Oh you will . You will make this right . You will pay for this . I promise you that . Right now though , you aren 't my concern . Phyllis is . I 'm going to see her and make sure she 's alright and I 'll deal with you later . " Billy pushed open the door , tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw her . " Hi , " he whispered , rushing over to the bedside and taking her hand in his . His lips quickly found her forehead , brushing against the cool skin . " It 's so good to see you . " " You too , " she sighed . She took a breath , coughing a bit and sighing as he quickly produced water for her . " You always take such good care of me , " she smiled . Billy leaned in closer to her , his fingertips slowly tracing her jawline . He stopped just below her chin , raising her face up to look into her eyes . " That house was nothing but bricks and wood and nails without you and my kids in it . We can find another house . We can find ten other houses . We can live in a cardboard box on the street … . as long as I have you and my kids , it 'll be a castle . " " Thank you , Mr . Abbott , " she grinned . She leaned in , kissing him quickly as she glanced over at the small table in the corner . " You two good over there ? " Phyllis leaned in towards Billy who wrapped his arms around her . She looked up at him with a smile . " What 's the matter ? " she asked , noting a small touch of concern in his eyes . " But I wasn 't , " Phyllis said softly , " And you and I both know we would have spent months upon months in court and she probably wouldn 't have served any time anyway . Newmans can buy their way out of anything . At least this way , we don 't waste any of our time being bitter and vindictive . Besides Victoria may not be serving a jail sentence but I still think 30 days of observation in Fairview will give her some much needed quiet time . " Billy grinned , pulling her closer to him and sneaking another kiss . He pulled her hand up , staring at the ring on her finger . " No . I don 't guess so . I guess this way everyone got what they wanted . I know I certainly got what I wanted , " he whispered . Phyllis tossed the magazine to the side of the bed quickly closing the distance between them as she rushed into his arms . " Hey , " she breathed , feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh . She pulled back a bit , looking up into his eyes . " I was beginning to get a little worried . I 'm guessing by the sound of that sigh things didn 't go very well . " Billy shook his head , taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair before slumping down on to the edge of the bed and loosening his tie . He pulled her onto his lap , kissing the top of her head gently as she allowed it to fall against his shoulder . " You could say that . " " Ugh , " he groaned , closing his eyes and leaning back to lay flat on the bed , pulling her beside him and wrapping his arm around her waist . He turned to face her . " You were right , " he said softly . " It was exactly how you said it would be . " " Being right isn 't nearly as much fun when it makes you this miserable . " Her fingers ran lightly against his face as she looked deep into his eyes . " I really wish I 'd been wrong this time . " He sighed again , smiling as he pulled her a bit closer . " Well , I 've seen firsthand that what seems impossible can happen - look at us . " He brushed his lips against hers , relishing in their happiness even if only for a moment . " No . In fact she adamantly refused and I 'm still not finished with that . I don 't think she can do that … you know , legally - I don 't think she has the right to refuse to allow me to take my children . I 'm not doing it without her permission . She has full knowledge of where they 'll be . We have joint custody for God 's sakes . " " Billy . " Phyllis hesitated , sensing his frustration already growing . The last thing she wanted was to cause problems for him and his children . " Maybe we should just . . " " No , " His hand grabbed hers and his eyes grew serious , " Don 't even think about it . She does not get to do this to us . She 's not going to get her way … not this time . Her whole life … her whole damn family has lived in a world that they think they control everything . They just think they can snap their fingers and the rest of society will bend to their every whim . Well , it 's not going to happen this time . I 'm going to call a lawyer and find out what I need to do to make this happen . " " You really think that 's the best way to handle this ? I mean we could have a ceremony here with the kids and we could still go away and have our honeymoon . It 's not that big of a deal . I don 't want to cause any kind of … " " You 're not . " He cupped her face in his hands as he softened his voice . " That 's just it … you 're not the one that 's causing the friction - Victoria is - and the sooner she realizes that , the better off we 'll all be . " He sighed again , noting the worried expression on her face . " Listen . I don 't want you to be worrying about this . Everything is going to work out . I promise . " " No , she remembered it . As soon as I showed her the photos , she said it was the house that we looked at before Katie was born . She knew exactly what it was - even asked if it was back on the market . " " Yeah , " he breathed . " She kind of did . It was like she didn 't care … like the house didn 't matter to her anymore and maybe it doesn 't . Maybe now that she knows it 's not going to be ours , she really doesn 't care . Who knows , maybe once she has some time to think about the wedding , she 'll feel the same way about that and she 'll get over the anger there too . Maybe I won 't have to do any of the legal stuff and she 'll come to the realization all on her own . " She giggled again , pulling away . " Nope , " she teased , " I 've got a couple things I want to do tonight , but I 'll make you a deal . You stay here and order us some dinner and I 'll make these errands as quick as I can so I can get back here to you , okay ? " She turned the lights off just before pulling into the long winding driveway . Though she was fairly certain they weren 't living there yet , she certainly didn 't want to take any chances . There would be no easy answers to explain why she 'd decided to drive here tonight . In truth she had no answers at all , easy or otherwise . Luckily for her , college students typically didn 't care why you needed a sitter as long as they got paid . All she knew was she needed to see it . She needed to look at the possibility of the life she could have had and know that it was all over . It didn 't seem that long ago that she 'd sat in this very same driveway with Billy and talked about that porch where their children would play . And now … . he was probably making all sorts of plans with Phyllis . Soon they 'd be moving in , making the house their own , making their own memories . It was supposed to be her house , her family , her dream . Victoria felt the tear slide down her face . " It was supposed to be mine , " she whispered . The idea of him being here with her made her sick . What 's worse is they 'd be here now with her children , masquerading as this wholesome depiction of what a family should be . It was wrong . It was a lie . It wasn 't fair . She had to protect her children . She had to hold onto her dignity , her self respect , the last shreds of pride she had left . With trembling hands , she reached down into the floorboard , her hand quickly finding the handle of the gas jug . It had seemed serendipitous almost - how her eyes fell on the jug as she walked to her car . She 'd forgotten about it being there . Ironically , it had been Billy that had purchased it , keeping it around for the landscapers to use to fuel their equipment . Now it would be used to fuel something entirely different . She climbed out of the car , walking around the side of the house , through the small gap in the trees where she 'd imagined Johnny would play . Her eyes fell on the swingset in the back and small screened in back porch that she and Billy had both loved . Her feet felt heavy as she walked slowly up the bricked steps . The smell of gasoline was strong in the air , but strangely enough , she 'd always the found the smell to be pleasant - another idiosyncrasy many didn 't know . There was something almost calming about the way the gasoline settled into the nooks and crannies of the bricks - as if it belonged there . She watched as it dripped down into the brush that surrounded the windows and doors on the first floor . In her mind , she wondered how long it would take for the entire house to engulf and she was almost disappointed that she wouldn 't be able to stay and watch . It would be on the news , she thought to herself . That would have to do . She took a breath , reaching into her pocket for the matches . She struck one and stepped back before tossing it towards the brush . The flame was impressive , immediately catching a tall branch above the eave , and beginning to rain down fiery leaves on the roof . She threw another match towards the porch , watching with interest as the screen 's wooden frame began to almost melt under the flame 's heat . She sighed before moving quickly back towards the car . Placing the matches and jug back in the passenger seat , she backed down the driveway quickly - waiting until she was far down the road before turning back on the lights . She stood in the silence of the kitchen , brushing the jagged pieces of glass into the wastebasket . She couldn 't go back into that room - not yet . Her pride was all she left to salvage of this and even that was hanging on by a thin thread . The words echoed in her head . It wasn 't a surprise - not really . It was what Billy wanted . It was what he 'd wanted for a while now and he 'd never denied that , so hearing him admit it wasn 't a shock . It was the ease in which he said the words to her . It was the compassion in his eyes , the pity . It made her sick , broke her heart , and infuriated her . . all at once . Before she knew it , she 'd been standing there in front of him , the glass of wine in her hand now shattered on the floor . He had tried to help her clean it , but she 'd shoved him away , moving quickly into the kitchen . She needed space . She needed a moment . She needed to breathe . " It 's fine , " she said quickly , returning to the couch and taking a seat beside him . " So … " She swallowed hard , forcing her lips to curve into a terse smile . " I take it Phyllis said yes when you asked her to marry you . " " Well , that 's good for you . " She stood , walking across the room and turning her back to him . He would not see her cry . He didn 't deserve her tears . " Come on , Vic . I don 't know what else you want me to do here . I 'm trying to do everything right . I thought it was the right thing to do to come over here and tell you this in person . I didn 't want you to hear it from someone else . I wanted to come and talk to you about it . I thought you deserved that . " She whirled around , the condescension in his voice proving too much to ignore . " Oh , really ? You thought I deserved that ? Well , thank you , Billy . Thank you so much for doing me that courtesy . " " What was I supposed to do ? Huh ? Just never be happy ? Just stay miserable my whole life because you 're miserable . " He ran his hands over his face . " Sorry , " he whispered through clenched teeth . " I shouldn 't have said that . " " I 'm not miserable . " She bit down hard on the inside of her cheek , finding it easier to quell the tears with the rage burning inside of her . " You 're going to be the one that 's miserable if you marry that … " " Stop . " Billy held up hand in front of him . " Don 't talk about her . I didn 't come here tonight to ask for your blessing or to get your approval . I simply came here to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face . " He paused . " And there 's one more thing . " " Vic . " Billy warned . " No , she 's not pregnant . It 's about the wedding . We don 't want to do a big wedding in town . " Billy sighed in utter exasperation . " Are you enjoying this ? Making this difficult for me because right about now I can 't remember why I didn 't just let you see this on GC Buzz or read it online like everyone else will . " " Of course not … it 's just … you could be decent about it . " He shook his head with a sigh . " Forget it . That 's not the point , anyway . I just wanted to tell you that we 're not doing a wedding here . Phyllis and I have talked about it and we 're just going to combine the honeymoon and the wedding and fly off to Italy and get married . " " If you want them there , you 'll have a wedding here like everyone else . " She stared at him for a moment before continuing . " Don 't act like you wouldn 't be saying the very same thing if I was asking something like this of you . " " Oh , I 'm damn well going to bring him into it . I seem to recall a time when he asked you to go with him on his boat to go God knows where and to take the kids with you and I told you to go if you wanted . I wouldn 't have fought you . I wanted you to be happy , Vic . So tell me again how I would be doing the same thing you are ? " " You were what ? Meant to be ? That 's why he 's here right now ? Where is he , Vic ? Is he upstairs ? Outside ? No ? He 's gone isn 't he … . and maybe that 's what this is really about , isn 't it ? Maybe it 's about the fact that Travis left you and instead of running back to you to pick up the pieces like you always expected me to do , I found someone else . Maybe when you decided that you were ready to take me back , I wasn 't waiting on the doorstep this time . Maybe that 's why you 're so damn angry . What do you think ? Am I getting close ? " She stared at him , her eyes wide , the truth in his words cutting deeply . Her eyes fluttered closed as she tasted blood trickling from the cuts on her inner cheek and she opened her mouth a bit , running her tongue over the tender skin . A tear slowly escaped her eye , running slowly down her cheek . " Vic . " Billy stepped closer to her , his head hanging in shame . " I 'm sorry . I … I kind of lost it there and I shouldn 't have … I 'm really sorry . I should go . We can talk about the rest later . " Her hand rushed to her face , brushing away the tears that continued to fall . " There 's more ? " Her voice shook as the words flew out . " No , Billy . If there 's more , just tell me now . What other wonderful news could you possibly have to share with me ? " She walked over to the couch , falling down onto it , her entire body exhausted . She was too tired to fight , to yell , to do anything - she just wanted this over . " You probably won 't even care about this . " He sat down , reaching into his jacket and pulling out a few folded pieces of paper . " In fact you may not even remember . " He handed her the pages and watched as her eyes roamed the images and words . " Of course I do , " she said , smiling a bit in spite of herself , " It 's the one we looked at a few years ago , before Katie was born . You loved it but the owners decided not to sell . Is it back on the market ? " She looked up at him with a smile . " Not anymore , " he said softly . " I bought it . Phyllis and I are going to live there . It 's going to be our new home . " Billy closed the door with a sigh . There was no sign of her in the living room , which probably meant she was upstairs … packing . He ran his hands over his face as he glanced towards the stairs . He smiled , half - heartedly , hating what he was about to do . Slowly , he trudged up the steps . The smile spread across his face when she met him in the doorway , her hands pressed to his chest . Her lips lightly pressed against hers before she quickly turned away , reaching back towards the bed and picking up two swimsuits . He could see the disappointment in her eyes and he hated knowing he was the one that caused it . All he wanted , all he 'd ever wanted was to make her happy . " This stupid thing with work … This big campaign to break into the Canadian market . . " He paused , looking into her eyes . " If there was anyone else I could send , I swear , I would . I was really looking forward to this little getaway with you . " Phyllis smiled sadly at him . " Hey , you know what , it 's okay . We 'll go away later - when you get back . It 'll just be our six month and then some anniversary , right ? Tonight , we can just go have a nice dinner or something . " She studied his face as his eyes closed again . " Actually . I 'm gonna have to take a rain check on dinner , too . My flight leaves in an hour and a half . I 've got to grab a bag and head to the airport . " She nodded . " Alright , " she sighed . " That 's alright . We can celebrate when you get back . It 's not a big deal . " " No , see it is a big deal . " His fingertips ran through her hair quickly before he rested his palm against the side of her face . She felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath and pulled her tight against him . " I don 't want you to think I don 't think it 's a big deal , because it is … this is a very big deal to me . It took us a long time to get to a place where we could celebrate our relationship and now … we 're here . We 're together . We 're getting married . I just … I want you to know that it 's not a small thing for me to miss this . " Phyllis felt her throat tighten as she heard the words . Her head rested against his chest as she took a slow , deep breath of her own . She 'd never been the overly emotional type . She was never the one to cry at the drop of the hat , but Billy somehow always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart . " It 's not about the dates , " she said softly , raising her head to look at him , " it 's about the memories . We 'll make it even more special when you get back , okay ? " She smiled . " It 's just three days , " she said quietly . " Three days and you 'll be back here with me … where you belong . " Billy swiped the key card through the reader , pushing the door open . He sighed heavily as his eyes roamed the empty hotel room . This wasn 't at all the way he wanted to spend his six month anniversary with Phyllis . He 'd envisioned a much different type of celebration . Instead he was here - in a very nice hotel with a bunch of stuffed shirts and an expense account . He missed her and , even though there was plenty to do in Toronto , the only thing he really wanted to do was lie on the couch and think about her . He glanced at his watch . It wasn 't that late and the time zones weren 't so different . Maybe she 'd still be up . A sly smile played upon his face as he pondered talking with her all night . Walking over the desk , he reached for the phone , stopping only when he saw the note bearing his name . He opened it and began to read I want you to know that even though you aren 't here with me , I 'm always thinking of you . We 'll celebrate when you get back . Until then , don 't sit in that hotel room alone and mope . I 've booked you a table at the restaurant downstairs . Dinner and drinks are already paid for . Love always , A soft laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note back down on the table . It was frightening how well she knew him . He grabbed his suit coat and slid it on over his shirt before heading out the door again . " I left it in his room - right by the phone . I felt sure he 'd probably come in and try to call you … . unless … ugh . . what if he used his cell and didn 't go anywhere near the phone . " Ben covered his face with his hand . " I 'm really sorry . I hope I haven 't messed this whole thing up . " Phyllis shook her head . " I 'm sure he 'll see it , " she sighed , trying not to worry . " You said your conference just ended a little bit ago though , right - so it makes sense that he 's just now getting back to his room and he might wait a bit before coming down . " She paused , watching as a smile spread across Ben 's face . " What ? " she asked . " Don 't uh … Don 't take this the wrong way , Phyllis , but I can 't imagine anyone keeping you waiting . " He smiled at her . " There 's my team , " he said with a grin , gesturing over to a large group of men in suits , " I better get over there before the rumor mill starts . " Phyllis walked down to the end of the bar , adjusting her dress as she perched on the bar stool . Dresses like this weren 't made for sitting , she thought to herself . Out of the corner of her eye , she spotted him . He 'd obviously come straight from his room - not even bothering to change from the clothes he 'd worn to the conference . He looked tired and almost sad . She smiled to herself . She 'd fix that . He took a seat , a few stools down , not even glancing in her direction . The bartender approached and she heard him give him his name . The bartender nodded , reaching back and pulling a bottle of the top shelf scotch she 'd requested . She saw the smile on his face as he took a drink . This was serious she thought - the funk had set in long enough . She untangled her limbs from the bar stool , sashaying across the length between them and slowly slinking up behind him . Her hands crept around his shoulders , one hand covering each of his eyes . He flinched , momentarily confused . Billy paused for a moment , watching the mischievous glint in her eyes . Realization slowly hit him . " Oh , " she sighed , reaching out to softly touch her hair . " Who are you then ? " " Whoever you want me to be , " she said quietly , " But I do need to ask one thing … , that guy over there , " She gestured towards Ben who sat at the head the table of men . " He told me you left a fiancé at home . Is that true ? " Phyllis smiled , leaning in closer still , her lips now softly brushing his . " I guess it 's a good thing she 's not here then , isn 't it ? " She smiled , her hands rubbing against his chest as she tilted her head . " I love this song , " she whispered , " Dance with me . " " Seriously , " he laughed , " I told everyone my fiancé was at home and there 's a whole group from the conference right over there . How 's it going to look if I 'm out on the dance floor with some . . " He stopped , taking a moment , to allow his hands to travel the length of her body , " incredibly sexy woman . " " So … I guess if those numbers check out then … " He looked up , turning his head towards what every other man seemed to be staring out . " Guys , " he said . " Guys ! " " It 's just that guy … that Abbott guy . We thought he had a fiancé at home and he uh … Well , he seems pretty damn cozy with that hot little number over there . " He pointed towards Phyllis who stood beside him , her arms wrapped tightly around his waist . " Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " |
Victoria hurried to the door , glancing back up towards the stairs mindful of Johnny and Katie sleeping upstairs . " Just a second , " she hissed , her hair still damp from the shower . She glanced out of the side window , sighing as she saw Billy standing there anxiously shifting from foot to foot . He shook his head . " Neither am I . I 'm actually looking for Phyllis . I thought maybe she might have come over to talk to you . " He hesitated , " but I 'm guessing she 's not here . " " I told her that I 'd talked to you tonight about the wedding and then she suddenly had things to take care of . I thought maybe she was going to come over here and try to get you to change your mind , but I guess not . She should have been back by now and I 'm probably just being paranoid . " He stopped talking for a moment , realizing Victoria wouldn 't be the least bit sympathetic to his plight . " Anyway , " he sighed , " Guess I 'll check the house . She was going to take some measurements for window treatments . Maybe that 's where she is . " He turned but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm . " Th . . The house ? " She forced the words from her lips , trying not to look as terrified as she felt . " She wouldn 't be there this late would she ? " Her heart pounded inside her chest , so loud she was afraid he could surely hear it . Billy smiled slightly . " We 've had some guys working on the front porch and doing some landscaping and she doesn 't like being there when they 're all there . Apparently one of them keeps asking her to lunch . I don 't know . Anyway , she likes to go after hours so she can get a few things done without all the noise and interruptions . " " Did you try calling her ? " She couldn 't have been there . There was no way . She would have seen a light or something , wouldn 't she ? Did she even look ? Did she even bother to check ? Victoria shook her head quickly . " Well you should try her again , " she snapped , pointing to the phone that was in always in his pocket . " Try her again ! " Billy narrowed his eyes . " Why are you so worried about … " His hand reached for his phone , holding it just as it started to ring . " Ah , " he said with a smile , looking down at the screen as he saw her number . He placed the phone to his ear . " I was starting to get worried , " he said softly , turning his back towards Victoria . She watched as his shoulders tensed . " What ? Yes . Yes . Oh my God . Is she alright ? Of course . Of course I can . Yes . Yes . I 'm on my way . Please tell her I 'm on my way . " She watched him as he threw himself into the car and careened down the dark street . Her stomach lurched as she forced a breath into her body , and sank down onto the cushion of the couch , the smell of gasoline still strong on the jacket that lay across the sofa 's back . " My God , " she whispered , " What have I done ? " " Hold on . One question at a time - they 've got in the exam room right now . She 's not conscious , but that 's very common with smoke inhalation . The fire was reported very quickly by the neighbors so the hope is she wasn 't inside long enough to sustain any serious damage to her lungs or any serious burns . " " Mr . Abbott , We aren 't here to ask you questions about the fire . We 're here to get information to help with the case . We 've already got a pretty good idea of the circumstances that led to the fire at your house tonight . " There was silence for a moment as the information set in . " Wait a minute . " Billy blinked a few times , his mind reeling . " You 're telling me somebody intentionally set my house on fire . Someone wanted my house to burn down ? Someone wanted to kill my fiancé ? Who would do something like that ? " His breath caught in his throat . " I … I have no idea , but whatever you need … . if it 's money or resources or experts - you let me know . Money is no object . I want this person found . I want them caught and I want them punished as harshly as possible and I want it done fast . Just tell me what to do . " The officer nodded . " Really sir , the only thing we need you to do right now is to think of anyone who might want to do hurt you or your fiancé . Think of anyone who had a reason to want to see the two of you unhappy . Think of people that may feel wronged by something you 've done . It could be a jealous ex or a disgruntled co - worker . Just think about it and if you come up with anything - even something that seems like nothing … " He handed Billy a business card , " just call me . " " They don 't know anything yet . They 're still examining her . " He stared at her , his mind spinning with possibilities . " You know , Vic . I can appreciate the fact that you 're trying here , but you really shouldn 't be here . It 's clear the way you feel about Phyllis and I really can 't handle you pretending to be all broken up … " " Billy . " Her hand brushed his arm . " I never wanted anything like this to happen . I didn 't . I mean just because I don 't like her doesn 't mean I ever wished anything like this would happen . " " Right , " he huffed sarcastically , " You just never wanted me to be with her . You just never wanted us to be happy . It killed you that we were getting married , that we might be living a life , having a family , moving into that house … " The words floated through the air for a moment . His eyes flashed with the idea , as if hearing the words out loud suddenly made the concept a living , breathing possibility . She heard it in his voice . It was a mix of disbelief , disgust , anger , shame , and disappointment . " I never meant for this to happen , " she said softly . " I swear , Billy . I never meant . " " I don 't . " He ran his hands over his face , swallowing hard to quell the overwhelming urge to scream . " I don 't even know what to say to you right now . Phyllis could … " " No . No . No . No … . " She stammered , desperate to make him understand . " Listen , please listen . I need you to hear this . If you don 't hear anything else . If you don 't ' believe anything else , please believe this . I had no idea she was in that house . I had no idea she was inside . I swear it , Billy . I would never ever do that . " Billy whirled around , his eyes flashing in rage as he looked at her . " Get out of here , " he snarled . " I don 't want to talk to you . I don 't want to hear you . I don 't want to look at you . " " Oh you will . You will make this right . You will pay for this . I promise you that . Right now though , you aren 't my concern . Phyllis is . I 'm going to see her and make sure she 's alright and I 'll deal with you later . " Billy pushed open the door , tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw her . " Hi , " he whispered , rushing over to the bedside and taking her hand in his . His lips quickly found her forehead , brushing against the cool skin . " It 's so good to see you . " " You too , " she sighed . She took a breath , coughing a bit and sighing as he quickly produced water for her . " You always take such good care of me , " she smiled . Billy leaned in closer to her , his fingertips slowly tracing her jawline . He stopped just below her chin , raising her face up to look into her eyes . " That house was nothing but bricks and wood and nails without you and my kids in it . We can find another house . We can find ten other houses . We can live in a cardboard box on the street … . as long as I have you and my kids , it 'll be a castle . " " Thank you , Mr . Abbott , " she grinned . She leaned in , kissing him quickly as she glanced over at the small table in the corner . " You two good over there ? " Phyllis leaned in towards Billy who wrapped his arms around her . She looked up at him with a smile . " What 's the matter ? " she asked , noting a small touch of concern in his eyes . " But I wasn 't , " Phyllis said softly , " And you and I both know we would have spent months upon months in court and she probably wouldn 't have served any time anyway . Newmans can buy their way out of anything . At least this way , we don 't waste any of our time being bitter and vindictive . Besides Victoria may not be serving a jail sentence but I still think 30 days of observation in Fairview will give her some much needed quiet time . " Billy grinned , pulling her closer to him and sneaking another kiss . He pulled her hand up , staring at the ring on her finger . " No . I don 't guess so . I guess this way everyone got what they wanted . I know I certainly got what I wanted , " he whispered . Phyllis tossed the magazine to the side of the bed quickly closing the distance between them as she rushed into his arms . " Hey , " she breathed , feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh . She pulled back a bit , looking up into his eyes . " I was beginning to get a little worried . I 'm guessing by the sound of that sigh things didn 't go very well . " Billy shook his head , taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair before slumping down on to the edge of the bed and loosening his tie . He pulled her onto his lap , kissing the top of her head gently as she allowed it to fall against his shoulder . " You could say that . " " Ugh , " he groaned , closing his eyes and leaning back to lay flat on the bed , pulling her beside him and wrapping his arm around her waist . He turned to face her . " You were right , " he said softly . " It was exactly how you said it would be . " " Being right isn 't nearly as much fun when it makes you this miserable . " Her fingers ran lightly against his face as she looked deep into his eyes . " I really wish I 'd been wrong this time . " He sighed again , smiling as he pulled her a bit closer . " Well , I 've seen firsthand that what seems impossible can happen - look at us . " He brushed his lips against hers , relishing in their happiness even if only for a moment . " No . In fact she adamantly refused and I 'm still not finished with that . I don 't think she can do that … you know , legally - I don 't think she has the right to refuse to allow me to take my children . I 'm not doing it without her permission . She has full knowledge of where they 'll be . We have joint custody for God 's sakes . " " Billy . " Phyllis hesitated , sensing his frustration already growing . The last thing she wanted was to cause problems for him and his children . " Maybe we should just . . " " No , " His hand grabbed hers and his eyes grew serious , " Don 't even think about it . She does not get to do this to us . She 's not going to get her way … not this time . Her whole life … her whole damn family has lived in a world that they think they control everything . They just think they can snap their fingers and the rest of society will bend to their every whim . Well , it 's not going to happen this time . I 'm going to call a lawyer and find out what I need to do to make this happen . " " You really think that 's the best way to handle this ? I mean we could have a ceremony here with the kids and we could still go away and have our honeymoon . It 's not that big of a deal . I don 't want to cause any kind of … " " You 're not . " He cupped her face in his hands as he softened his voice . " That 's just it … you 're not the one that 's causing the friction - Victoria is - and the sooner she realizes that , the better off we 'll all be . " He sighed again , noting the worried expression on her face . " Listen . I don 't want you to be worrying about this . Everything is going to work out . I promise . " " No , she remembered it . As soon as I showed her the photos , she said it was the house that we looked at before Katie was born . She knew exactly what it was - even asked if it was back on the market . " " Yeah , " he breathed . " She kind of did . It was like she didn 't care … like the house didn 't matter to her anymore and maybe it doesn 't . Maybe now that she knows it 's not going to be ours , she really doesn 't care . Who knows , maybe once she has some time to think about the wedding , she 'll feel the same way about that and she 'll get over the anger there too . Maybe I won 't have to do any of the legal stuff and she 'll come to the realization all on her own . " She giggled again , pulling away . " Nope , " she teased , " I 've got a couple things I want to do tonight , but I 'll make you a deal . You stay here and order us some dinner and I 'll make these errands as quick as I can so I can get back here to you , okay ? " She turned the lights off just before pulling into the long winding driveway . Though she was fairly certain they weren 't living there yet , she certainly didn 't want to take any chances . There would be no easy answers to explain why she 'd decided to drive here tonight . In truth she had no answers at all , easy or otherwise . Luckily for her , college students typically didn 't care why you needed a sitter as long as they got paid . All she knew was she needed to see it . She needed to look at the possibility of the life she could have had and know that it was all over . It didn 't seem that long ago that she 'd sat in this very same driveway with Billy and talked about that porch where their children would play . And now … . he was probably making all sorts of plans with Phyllis . Soon they 'd be moving in , making the house their own , making their own memories . It was supposed to be her house , her family , her dream . Victoria felt the tear slide down her face . " It was supposed to be mine , " she whispered . The idea of him being here with her made her sick . What 's worse is they 'd be here now with her children , masquerading as this wholesome depiction of what a family should be . It was wrong . It was a lie . It wasn 't fair . She had to protect her children . She had to hold onto her dignity , her self respect , the last shreds of pride she had left . With trembling hands , she reached down into the floorboard , her hand quickly finding the handle of the gas jug . It had seemed serendipitous almost - how her eyes fell on the jug as she walked to her car . She 'd forgotten about it being there . Ironically , it had been Billy that had purchased it , keeping it around for the landscapers to use to fuel their equipment . Now it would be used to fuel something entirely different . She climbed out of the car , walking around the side of the house , through the small gap in the trees where she 'd imagined Johnny would play . Her eyes fell on the swingset in the back and small screened in back porch that she and Billy had both loved . Her feet felt heavy as she walked slowly up the bricked steps . The smell of gasoline was strong in the air , but strangely enough , she 'd always the found the smell to be pleasant - another idiosyncrasy many didn 't know . There was something almost calming about the way the gasoline settled into the nooks and crannies of the bricks - as if it belonged there . She watched as it dripped down into the brush that surrounded the windows and doors on the first floor . In her mind , she wondered how long it would take for the entire house to engulf and she was almost disappointed that she wouldn 't be able to stay and watch . It would be on the news , she thought to herself . That would have to do . She took a breath , reaching into her pocket for the matches . She struck one and stepped back before tossing it towards the brush . The flame was impressive , immediately catching a tall branch above the eave , and beginning to rain down fiery leaves on the roof . She threw another match towards the porch , watching with interest as the screen 's wooden frame began to almost melt under the flame 's heat . She sighed before moving quickly back towards the car . Placing the matches and jug back in the passenger seat , she backed down the driveway quickly - waiting until she was far down the road before turning back on the lights . She stood in the silence of the kitchen , brushing the jagged pieces of glass into the wastebasket . She couldn 't go back into that room - not yet . Her pride was all she left to salvage of this and even that was hanging on by a thin thread . The words echoed in her head . It wasn 't a surprise - not really . It was what Billy wanted . It was what he 'd wanted for a while now and he 'd never denied that , so hearing him admit it wasn 't a shock . It was the ease in which he said the words to her . It was the compassion in his eyes , the pity . It made her sick , broke her heart , and infuriated her . . all at once . Before she knew it , she 'd been standing there in front of him , the glass of wine in her hand now shattered on the floor . He had tried to help her clean it , but she 'd shoved him away , moving quickly into the kitchen . She needed space . She needed a moment . She needed to breathe . " It 's fine , " she said quickly , returning to the couch and taking a seat beside him . " So … " She swallowed hard , forcing her lips to curve into a terse smile . " I take it Phyllis said yes when you asked her to marry you . " " Well , that 's good for you . " She stood , walking across the room and turning her back to him . He would not see her cry . He didn 't deserve her tears . " Come on , Vic . I don 't know what else you want me to do here . I 'm trying to do everything right . I thought it was the right thing to do to come over here and tell you this in person . I didn 't want you to hear it from someone else . I wanted to come and talk to you about it . I thought you deserved that . " She whirled around , the condescension in his voice proving too much to ignore . " Oh , really ? You thought I deserved that ? Well , thank you , Billy . Thank you so much for doing me that courtesy . " " What was I supposed to do ? Huh ? Just never be happy ? Just stay miserable my whole life because you 're miserable . " He ran his hands over his face . " Sorry , " he whispered through clenched teeth . " I shouldn 't have said that . " " I 'm not miserable . " She bit down hard on the inside of her cheek , finding it easier to quell the tears with the rage burning inside of her . " You 're going to be the one that 's miserable if you marry that … " " Stop . " Billy held up hand in front of him . " Don 't talk about her . I didn 't come here tonight to ask for your blessing or to get your approval . I simply came here to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face . " He paused . " And there 's one more thing . " " Vic . " Billy warned . " No , she 's not pregnant . It 's about the wedding . We don 't want to do a big wedding in town . " Billy sighed in utter exasperation . " Are you enjoying this ? Making this difficult for me because right about now I can 't remember why I didn 't just let you see this on GC Buzz or read it online like everyone else will . " " Of course not … it 's just … you could be decent about it . " He shook his head with a sigh . " Forget it . That 's not the point , anyway . I just wanted to tell you that we 're not doing a wedding here . Phyllis and I have talked about it and we 're just going to combine the honeymoon and the wedding and fly off to Italy and get married . " " If you want them there , you 'll have a wedding here like everyone else . " She stared at him for a moment before continuing . " Don 't act like you wouldn 't be saying the very same thing if I was asking something like this of you . " " Oh , I 'm damn well going to bring him into it . I seem to recall a time when he asked you to go with him on his boat to go God knows where and to take the kids with you and I told you to go if you wanted . I wouldn 't have fought you . I wanted you to be happy , Vic . So tell me again how I would be doing the same thing you are ? " " You were what ? Meant to be ? That 's why he 's here right now ? Where is he , Vic ? Is he upstairs ? Outside ? No ? He 's gone isn 't he … . and maybe that 's what this is really about , isn 't it ? Maybe it 's about the fact that Travis left you and instead of running back to you to pick up the pieces like you always expected me to do , I found someone else . Maybe when you decided that you were ready to take me back , I wasn 't waiting on the doorstep this time . Maybe that 's why you 're so damn angry . What do you think ? Am I getting close ? " She stared at him , her eyes wide , the truth in his words cutting deeply . Her eyes fluttered closed as she tasted blood trickling from the cuts on her inner cheek and she opened her mouth a bit , running her tongue over the tender skin . A tear slowly escaped her eye , running slowly down her cheek . " Vic . " Billy stepped closer to her , his head hanging in shame . " I 'm sorry . I … I kind of lost it there and I shouldn 't have … I 'm really sorry . I should go . We can talk about the rest later . " Her hand rushed to her face , brushing away the tears that continued to fall . " There 's more ? " Her voice shook as the words flew out . " No , Billy . If there 's more , just tell me now . What other wonderful news could you possibly have to share with me ? " She walked over to the couch , falling down onto it , her entire body exhausted . She was too tired to fight , to yell , to do anything - she just wanted this over . " You probably won 't even care about this . " He sat down , reaching into his jacket and pulling out a few folded pieces of paper . " In fact you may not even remember . " He handed her the pages and watched as her eyes roamed the images and words . " Of course I do , " she said , smiling a bit in spite of herself , " It 's the one we looked at a few years ago , before Katie was born . You loved it but the owners decided not to sell . Is it back on the market ? " She looked up at him with a smile . " Not anymore , " he said softly . " I bought it . Phyllis and I are going to live there . It 's going to be our new home . " Billy closed the door with a sigh . There was no sign of her in the living room , which probably meant she was upstairs … packing . He ran his hands over his face as he glanced towards the stairs . He smiled , half - heartedly , hating what he was about to do . Slowly , he trudged up the steps . The smile spread across his face when she met him in the doorway , her hands pressed to his chest . Her lips lightly pressed against hers before she quickly turned away , reaching back towards the bed and picking up two swimsuits . He could see the disappointment in her eyes and he hated knowing he was the one that caused it . All he wanted , all he 'd ever wanted was to make her happy . " This stupid thing with work … This big campaign to break into the Canadian market . . " He paused , looking into her eyes . " If there was anyone else I could send , I swear , I would . I was really looking forward to this little getaway with you . " Phyllis smiled sadly at him . " Hey , you know what , it 's okay . We 'll go away later - when you get back . It 'll just be our six month and then some anniversary , right ? Tonight , we can just go have a nice dinner or something . " She studied his face as his eyes closed again . " Actually . I 'm gonna have to take a rain check on dinner , too . My flight leaves in an hour and a half . I 've got to grab a bag and head to the airport . " She nodded . " Alright , " she sighed . " That 's alright . We can celebrate when you get back . It 's not a big deal . " " No , see it is a big deal . " His fingertips ran through her hair quickly before he rested his palm against the side of her face . She felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath and pulled her tight against him . " I don 't want you to think I don 't think it 's a big deal , because it is … this is a very big deal to me . It took us a long time to get to a place where we could celebrate our relationship and now … we 're here . We 're together . We 're getting married . I just … I want you to know that it 's not a small thing for me to miss this . " Phyllis felt her throat tighten as she heard the words . Her head rested against his chest as she took a slow , deep breath of her own . She 'd never been the overly emotional type . She was never the one to cry at the drop of the hat , but Billy somehow always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart . " It 's not about the dates , " she said softly , raising her head to look at him , " it 's about the memories . We 'll make it even more special when you get back , okay ? " She smiled . " It 's just three days , " she said quietly . " Three days and you 'll be back here with me … where you belong . " Billy swiped the key card through the reader , pushing the door open . He sighed heavily as his eyes roamed the empty hotel room . This wasn 't at all the way he wanted to spend his six month anniversary with Phyllis . He 'd envisioned a much different type of celebration . Instead he was here - in a very nice hotel with a bunch of stuffed shirts and an expense account . He missed her and , even though there was plenty to do in Toronto , the only thing he really wanted to do was lie on the couch and think about her . He glanced at his watch . It wasn 't that late and the time zones weren 't so different . Maybe she 'd still be up . A sly smile played upon his face as he pondered talking with her all night . Walking over the desk , he reached for the phone , stopping only when he saw the note bearing his name . He opened it and began to read I want you to know that even though you aren 't here with me , I 'm always thinking of you . We 'll celebrate when you get back . Until then , don 't sit in that hotel room alone and mope . I 've booked you a table at the restaurant downstairs . Dinner and drinks are already paid for . Love always , A soft laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note back down on the table . It was frightening how well she knew him . He grabbed his suit coat and slid it on over his shirt before heading out the door again . " I left it in his room - right by the phone . I felt sure he 'd probably come in and try to call you … . unless … ugh . . what if he used his cell and didn 't go anywhere near the phone . " Ben covered his face with his hand . " I 'm really sorry . I hope I haven 't messed this whole thing up . " Phyllis shook her head . " I 'm sure he 'll see it , " she sighed , trying not to worry . " You said your conference just ended a little bit ago though , right - so it makes sense that he 's just now getting back to his room and he might wait a bit before coming down . " She paused , watching as a smile spread across Ben 's face . " What ? " she asked . " Don 't uh … Don 't take this the wrong way , Phyllis , but I can 't imagine anyone keeping you waiting . " He smiled at her . " There 's my team , " he said with a grin , gesturing over to a large group of men in suits , " I better get over there before the rumor mill starts . " Phyllis walked down to the end of the bar , adjusting her dress as she perched on the bar stool . Dresses like this weren 't made for sitting , she thought to herself . Out of the corner of her eye , she spotted him . He 'd obviously come straight from his room - not even bothering to change from the clothes he 'd worn to the conference . He looked tired and almost sad . She smiled to herself . She 'd fix that . He took a seat , a few stools down , not even glancing in her direction . The bartender approached and she heard him give him his name . The bartender nodded , reaching back and pulling a bottle of the top shelf scotch she 'd requested . She saw the smile on his face as he took a drink . This was serious she thought - the funk had set in long enough . She untangled her limbs from the bar stool , sashaying across the length between them and slowly slinking up behind him . Her hands crept around his shoulders , one hand covering each of his eyes . He flinched , momentarily confused . Billy paused for a moment , watching the mischievous glint in her eyes . Realization slowly hit him . " Oh , " she sighed , reaching out to softly touch her hair . " Who are you then ? " " Whoever you want me to be , " she said quietly , " But I do need to ask one thing … , that guy over there , " She gestured towards Ben who sat at the head the table of men . " He told me you left a fiancé at home . Is that true ? " Phyllis smiled , leaning in closer still , her lips now softly brushing his . " I guess it 's a good thing she 's not here then , isn 't it ? " She smiled , her hands rubbing against his chest as she tilted her head . " I love this song , " she whispered , " Dance with me . " " Seriously , " he laughed , " I told everyone my fiancé was at home and there 's a whole group from the conference right over there . How 's it going to look if I 'm out on the dance floor with some . . " He stopped , taking a moment , to allow his hands to travel the length of her body , " incredibly sexy woman . " " So … I guess if those numbers check out then … " He looked up , turning his head towards what every other man seemed to be staring out . " Guys , " he said . " Guys ! " " It 's just that guy … that Abbott guy . We thought he had a fiancé at home and he uh … Well , he seems pretty damn cozy with that hot little number over there . " He pointed towards Phyllis who stood beside him , her arms wrapped tightly around his waist . " Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " |
Victoria hurried to the door , glancing back up towards the stairs mindful of Johnny and Katie sleeping upstairs . " Just a second , " she hissed , her hair still damp from the shower . She glanced out of the side window , sighing as she saw Billy standing there anxiously shifting from foot to foot . He shook his head . " Neither am I . I 'm actually looking for Phyllis . I thought maybe she might have come over to talk to you . " He hesitated , " but I 'm guessing she 's not here . " " I told her that I 'd talked to you tonight about the wedding and then she suddenly had things to take care of . I thought maybe she was going to come over here and try to get you to change your mind , but I guess not . She should have been back by now and I 'm probably just being paranoid . " He stopped talking for a moment , realizing Victoria wouldn 't be the least bit sympathetic to his plight . " Anyway , " he sighed , " Guess I 'll check the house . She was going to take some measurements for window treatments . Maybe that 's where she is . " He turned but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm . " Th . . The house ? " She forced the words from her lips , trying not to look as terrified as she felt . " She wouldn 't be there this late would she ? " Her heart pounded inside her chest , so loud she was afraid he could surely hear it . Billy smiled slightly . " We 've had some guys working on the front porch and doing some landscaping and she doesn 't like being there when they 're all there . Apparently one of them keeps asking her to lunch . I don 't know . Anyway , she likes to go after hours so she can get a few things done without all the noise and interruptions . " " Did you try calling her ? " She couldn 't have been there . There was no way . She would have seen a light or something , wouldn 't she ? Did she even look ? Did she even bother to check ? Victoria shook her head quickly . " Well you should try her again , " she snapped , pointing to the phone that was in always in his pocket . " Try her again ! " Billy narrowed his eyes . " Why are you so worried about … " His hand reached for his phone , holding it just as it started to ring . " Ah , " he said with a smile , looking down at the screen as he saw her number . He placed the phone to his ear . " I was starting to get worried , " he said softly , turning his back towards Victoria . She watched as his shoulders tensed . " What ? Yes . Yes . Oh my God . Is she alright ? Of course . Of course I can . Yes . Yes . I 'm on my way . Please tell her I 'm on my way . " She watched him as he threw himself into the car and careened down the dark street . Her stomach lurched as she forced a breath into her body , and sank down onto the cushion of the couch , the smell of gasoline still strong on the jacket that lay across the sofa 's back . " My God , " she whispered , " What have I done ? " " Hold on . One question at a time - they 've got in the exam room right now . She 's not conscious , but that 's very common with smoke inhalation . The fire was reported very quickly by the neighbors so the hope is she wasn 't inside long enough to sustain any serious damage to her lungs or any serious burns . " " Mr . Abbott , We aren 't here to ask you questions about the fire . We 're here to get information to help with the case . We 've already got a pretty good idea of the circumstances that led to the fire at your house tonight . " There was silence for a moment as the information set in . " Wait a minute . " Billy blinked a few times , his mind reeling . " You 're telling me somebody intentionally set my house on fire . Someone wanted my house to burn down ? Someone wanted to kill my fiancé ? Who would do something like that ? " His breath caught in his throat . " I … I have no idea , but whatever you need … . if it 's money or resources or experts - you let me know . Money is no object . I want this person found . I want them caught and I want them punished as harshly as possible and I want it done fast . Just tell me what to do . " The officer nodded . " Really sir , the only thing we need you to do right now is to think of anyone who might want to do hurt you or your fiancé . Think of anyone who had a reason to want to see the two of you unhappy . Think of people that may feel wronged by something you 've done . It could be a jealous ex or a disgruntled co - worker . Just think about it and if you come up with anything - even something that seems like nothing … " He handed Billy a business card , " just call me . " " They don 't know anything yet . They 're still examining her . " He stared at her , his mind spinning with possibilities . " You know , Vic . I can appreciate the fact that you 're trying here , but you really shouldn 't be here . It 's clear the way you feel about Phyllis and I really can 't handle you pretending to be all broken up … " " Billy . " Her hand brushed his arm . " I never wanted anything like this to happen . I didn 't . I mean just because I don 't like her doesn 't mean I ever wished anything like this would happen . " " Right , " he huffed sarcastically , " You just never wanted me to be with her . You just never wanted us to be happy . It killed you that we were getting married , that we might be living a life , having a family , moving into that house … " The words floated through the air for a moment . His eyes flashed with the idea , as if hearing the words out loud suddenly made the concept a living , breathing possibility . She heard it in his voice . It was a mix of disbelief , disgust , anger , shame , and disappointment . " I never meant for this to happen , " she said softly . " I swear , Billy . I never meant . " " I don 't . " He ran his hands over his face , swallowing hard to quell the overwhelming urge to scream . " I don 't even know what to say to you right now . Phyllis could … " " No . No . No . No … . " She stammered , desperate to make him understand . " Listen , please listen . I need you to hear this . If you don 't hear anything else . If you don 't ' believe anything else , please believe this . I had no idea she was in that house . I had no idea she was inside . I swear it , Billy . I would never ever do that . " Billy whirled around , his eyes flashing in rage as he looked at her . " Get out of here , " he snarled . " I don 't want to talk to you . I don 't want to hear you . I don 't want to look at you . " " Oh you will . You will make this right . You will pay for this . I promise you that . Right now though , you aren 't my concern . Phyllis is . I 'm going to see her and make sure she 's alright and I 'll deal with you later . " Billy pushed open the door , tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw her . " Hi , " he whispered , rushing over to the bedside and taking her hand in his . His lips quickly found her forehead , brushing against the cool skin . " It 's so good to see you . " " You too , " she sighed . She took a breath , coughing a bit and sighing as he quickly produced water for her . " You always take such good care of me , " she smiled . Billy leaned in closer to her , his fingertips slowly tracing her jawline . He stopped just below her chin , raising her face up to look into her eyes . " That house was nothing but bricks and wood and nails without you and my kids in it . We can find another house . We can find ten other houses . We can live in a cardboard box on the street … . as long as I have you and my kids , it 'll be a castle . " " Thank you , Mr . Abbott , " she grinned . She leaned in , kissing him quickly as she glanced over at the small table in the corner . " You two good over there ? " Phyllis leaned in towards Billy who wrapped his arms around her . She looked up at him with a smile . " What 's the matter ? " she asked , noting a small touch of concern in his eyes . " But I wasn 't , " Phyllis said softly , " And you and I both know we would have spent months upon months in court and she probably wouldn 't have served any time anyway . Newmans can buy their way out of anything . At least this way , we don 't waste any of our time being bitter and vindictive . Besides Victoria may not be serving a jail sentence but I still think 30 days of observation in Fairview will give her some much needed quiet time . " Billy grinned , pulling her closer to him and sneaking another kiss . He pulled her hand up , staring at the ring on her finger . " No . I don 't guess so . I guess this way everyone got what they wanted . I know I certainly got what I wanted , " he whispered . Phyllis tossed the magazine to the side of the bed quickly closing the distance between them as she rushed into his arms . " Hey , " she breathed , feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh . She pulled back a bit , looking up into his eyes . " I was beginning to get a little worried . I 'm guessing by the sound of that sigh things didn 't go very well . " Billy shook his head , taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair before slumping down on to the edge of the bed and loosening his tie . He pulled her onto his lap , kissing the top of her head gently as she allowed it to fall against his shoulder . " You could say that . " " Ugh , " he groaned , closing his eyes and leaning back to lay flat on the bed , pulling her beside him and wrapping his arm around her waist . He turned to face her . " You were right , " he said softly . " It was exactly how you said it would be . " " Being right isn 't nearly as much fun when it makes you this miserable . " Her fingers ran lightly against his face as she looked deep into his eyes . " I really wish I 'd been wrong this time . " He sighed again , smiling as he pulled her a bit closer . " Well , I 've seen firsthand that what seems impossible can happen - look at us . " He brushed his lips against hers , relishing in their happiness even if only for a moment . " No . In fact she adamantly refused and I 'm still not finished with that . I don 't think she can do that … you know , legally - I don 't think she has the right to refuse to allow me to take my children . I 'm not doing it without her permission . She has full knowledge of where they 'll be . We have joint custody for God 's sakes . " " Billy . " Phyllis hesitated , sensing his frustration already growing . The last thing she wanted was to cause problems for him and his children . " Maybe we should just . . " " No , " His hand grabbed hers and his eyes grew serious , " Don 't even think about it . She does not get to do this to us . She 's not going to get her way … not this time . Her whole life … her whole damn family has lived in a world that they think they control everything . They just think they can snap their fingers and the rest of society will bend to their every whim . Well , it 's not going to happen this time . I 'm going to call a lawyer and find out what I need to do to make this happen . " " You really think that 's the best way to handle this ? I mean we could have a ceremony here with the kids and we could still go away and have our honeymoon . It 's not that big of a deal . I don 't want to cause any kind of … " " You 're not . " He cupped her face in his hands as he softened his voice . " That 's just it … you 're not the one that 's causing the friction - Victoria is - and the sooner she realizes that , the better off we 'll all be . " He sighed again , noting the worried expression on her face . " Listen . I don 't want you to be worrying about this . Everything is going to work out . I promise . " " No , she remembered it . As soon as I showed her the photos , she said it was the house that we looked at before Katie was born . She knew exactly what it was - even asked if it was back on the market . " " Yeah , " he breathed . " She kind of did . It was like she didn 't care … like the house didn 't matter to her anymore and maybe it doesn 't . Maybe now that she knows it 's not going to be ours , she really doesn 't care . Who knows , maybe once she has some time to think about the wedding , she 'll feel the same way about that and she 'll get over the anger there too . Maybe I won 't have to do any of the legal stuff and she 'll come to the realization all on her own . " She giggled again , pulling away . " Nope , " she teased , " I 've got a couple things I want to do tonight , but I 'll make you a deal . You stay here and order us some dinner and I 'll make these errands as quick as I can so I can get back here to you , okay ? " She turned the lights off just before pulling into the long winding driveway . Though she was fairly certain they weren 't living there yet , she certainly didn 't want to take any chances . There would be no easy answers to explain why she 'd decided to drive here tonight . In truth she had no answers at all , easy or otherwise . Luckily for her , college students typically didn 't care why you needed a sitter as long as they got paid . All she knew was she needed to see it . She needed to look at the possibility of the life she could have had and know that it was all over . It didn 't seem that long ago that she 'd sat in this very same driveway with Billy and talked about that porch where their children would play . And now … . he was probably making all sorts of plans with Phyllis . Soon they 'd be moving in , making the house their own , making their own memories . It was supposed to be her house , her family , her dream . Victoria felt the tear slide down her face . " It was supposed to be mine , " she whispered . The idea of him being here with her made her sick . What 's worse is they 'd be here now with her children , masquerading as this wholesome depiction of what a family should be . It was wrong . It was a lie . It wasn 't fair . She had to protect her children . She had to hold onto her dignity , her self respect , the last shreds of pride she had left . With trembling hands , she reached down into the floorboard , her hand quickly finding the handle of the gas jug . It had seemed serendipitous almost - how her eyes fell on the jug as she walked to her car . She 'd forgotten about it being there . Ironically , it had been Billy that had purchased it , keeping it around for the landscapers to use to fuel their equipment . Now it would be used to fuel something entirely different . She climbed out of the car , walking around the side of the house , through the small gap in the trees where she 'd imagined Johnny would play . Her eyes fell on the swingset in the back and small screened in back porch that she and Billy had both loved . Her feet felt heavy as she walked slowly up the bricked steps . The smell of gasoline was strong in the air , but strangely enough , she 'd always the found the smell to be pleasant - another idiosyncrasy many didn 't know . There was something almost calming about the way the gasoline settled into the nooks and crannies of the bricks - as if it belonged there . She watched as it dripped down into the brush that surrounded the windows and doors on the first floor . In her mind , she wondered how long it would take for the entire house to engulf and she was almost disappointed that she wouldn 't be able to stay and watch . It would be on the news , she thought to herself . That would have to do . She took a breath , reaching into her pocket for the matches . She struck one and stepped back before tossing it towards the brush . The flame was impressive , immediately catching a tall branch above the eave , and beginning to rain down fiery leaves on the roof . She threw another match towards the porch , watching with interest as the screen 's wooden frame began to almost melt under the flame 's heat . She sighed before moving quickly back towards the car . Placing the matches and jug back in the passenger seat , she backed down the driveway quickly - waiting until she was far down the road before turning back on the lights . She stood in the silence of the kitchen , brushing the jagged pieces of glass into the wastebasket . She couldn 't go back into that room - not yet . Her pride was all she left to salvage of this and even that was hanging on by a thin thread . The words echoed in her head . It wasn 't a surprise - not really . It was what Billy wanted . It was what he 'd wanted for a while now and he 'd never denied that , so hearing him admit it wasn 't a shock . It was the ease in which he said the words to her . It was the compassion in his eyes , the pity . It made her sick , broke her heart , and infuriated her . . all at once . Before she knew it , she 'd been standing there in front of him , the glass of wine in her hand now shattered on the floor . He had tried to help her clean it , but she 'd shoved him away , moving quickly into the kitchen . She needed space . She needed a moment . She needed to breathe . " It 's fine , " she said quickly , returning to the couch and taking a seat beside him . " So … " She swallowed hard , forcing her lips to curve into a terse smile . " I take it Phyllis said yes when you asked her to marry you . " " Well , that 's good for you . " She stood , walking across the room and turning her back to him . He would not see her cry . He didn 't deserve her tears . " Come on , Vic . I don 't know what else you want me to do here . I 'm trying to do everything right . I thought it was the right thing to do to come over here and tell you this in person . I didn 't want you to hear it from someone else . I wanted to come and talk to you about it . I thought you deserved that . " She whirled around , the condescension in his voice proving too much to ignore . " Oh , really ? You thought I deserved that ? Well , thank you , Billy . Thank you so much for doing me that courtesy . " " What was I supposed to do ? Huh ? Just never be happy ? Just stay miserable my whole life because you 're miserable . " He ran his hands over his face . " Sorry , " he whispered through clenched teeth . " I shouldn 't have said that . " " I 'm not miserable . " She bit down hard on the inside of her cheek , finding it easier to quell the tears with the rage burning inside of her . " You 're going to be the one that 's miserable if you marry that … " " Stop . " Billy held up hand in front of him . " Don 't talk about her . I didn 't come here tonight to ask for your blessing or to get your approval . I simply came here to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face . " He paused . " And there 's one more thing . " " Vic . " Billy warned . " No , she 's not pregnant . It 's about the wedding . We don 't want to do a big wedding in town . " Billy sighed in utter exasperation . " Are you enjoying this ? Making this difficult for me because right about now I can 't remember why I didn 't just let you see this on GC Buzz or read it online like everyone else will . " " Of course not … it 's just … you could be decent about it . " He shook his head with a sigh . " Forget it . That 's not the point , anyway . I just wanted to tell you that we 're not doing a wedding here . Phyllis and I have talked about it and we 're just going to combine the honeymoon and the wedding and fly off to Italy and get married . " " If you want them there , you 'll have a wedding here like everyone else . " She stared at him for a moment before continuing . " Don 't act like you wouldn 't be saying the very same thing if I was asking something like this of you . " " Oh , I 'm damn well going to bring him into it . I seem to recall a time when he asked you to go with him on his boat to go God knows where and to take the kids with you and I told you to go if you wanted . I wouldn 't have fought you . I wanted you to be happy , Vic . So tell me again how I would be doing the same thing you are ? " " You were what ? Meant to be ? That 's why he 's here right now ? Where is he , Vic ? Is he upstairs ? Outside ? No ? He 's gone isn 't he … . and maybe that 's what this is really about , isn 't it ? Maybe it 's about the fact that Travis left you and instead of running back to you to pick up the pieces like you always expected me to do , I found someone else . Maybe when you decided that you were ready to take me back , I wasn 't waiting on the doorstep this time . Maybe that 's why you 're so damn angry . What do you think ? Am I getting close ? " She stared at him , her eyes wide , the truth in his words cutting deeply . Her eyes fluttered closed as she tasted blood trickling from the cuts on her inner cheek and she opened her mouth a bit , running her tongue over the tender skin . A tear slowly escaped her eye , running slowly down her cheek . " Vic . " Billy stepped closer to her , his head hanging in shame . " I 'm sorry . I … I kind of lost it there and I shouldn 't have … I 'm really sorry . I should go . We can talk about the rest later . " Her hand rushed to her face , brushing away the tears that continued to fall . " There 's more ? " Her voice shook as the words flew out . " No , Billy . If there 's more , just tell me now . What other wonderful news could you possibly have to share with me ? " She walked over to the couch , falling down onto it , her entire body exhausted . She was too tired to fight , to yell , to do anything - she just wanted this over . " You probably won 't even care about this . " He sat down , reaching into his jacket and pulling out a few folded pieces of paper . " In fact you may not even remember . " He handed her the pages and watched as her eyes roamed the images and words . " Of course I do , " she said , smiling a bit in spite of herself , " It 's the one we looked at a few years ago , before Katie was born . You loved it but the owners decided not to sell . Is it back on the market ? " She looked up at him with a smile . " Not anymore , " he said softly . " I bought it . Phyllis and I are going to live there . It 's going to be our new home . " Billy closed the door with a sigh . There was no sign of her in the living room , which probably meant she was upstairs … packing . He ran his hands over his face as he glanced towards the stairs . He smiled , half - heartedly , hating what he was about to do . Slowly , he trudged up the steps . The smile spread across his face when she met him in the doorway , her hands pressed to his chest . Her lips lightly pressed against hers before she quickly turned away , reaching back towards the bed and picking up two swimsuits . He could see the disappointment in her eyes and he hated knowing he was the one that caused it . All he wanted , all he 'd ever wanted was to make her happy . " This stupid thing with work … This big campaign to break into the Canadian market . . " He paused , looking into her eyes . " If there was anyone else I could send , I swear , I would . I was really looking forward to this little getaway with you . " Phyllis smiled sadly at him . " Hey , you know what , it 's okay . We 'll go away later - when you get back . It 'll just be our six month and then some anniversary , right ? Tonight , we can just go have a nice dinner or something . " She studied his face as his eyes closed again . " Actually . I 'm gonna have to take a rain check on dinner , too . My flight leaves in an hour and a half . I 've got to grab a bag and head to the airport . " She nodded . " Alright , " she sighed . " That 's alright . We can celebrate when you get back . It 's not a big deal . " " No , see it is a big deal . " His fingertips ran through her hair quickly before he rested his palm against the side of her face . She felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath and pulled her tight against him . " I don 't want you to think I don 't think it 's a big deal , because it is … this is a very big deal to me . It took us a long time to get to a place where we could celebrate our relationship and now … we 're here . We 're together . We 're getting married . I just … I want you to know that it 's not a small thing for me to miss this . " Phyllis felt her throat tighten as she heard the words . Her head rested against his chest as she took a slow , deep breath of her own . She 'd never been the overly emotional type . She was never the one to cry at the drop of the hat , but Billy somehow always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart . " It 's not about the dates , " she said softly , raising her head to look at him , " it 's about the memories . We 'll make it even more special when you get back , okay ? " She smiled . " It 's just three days , " she said quietly . " Three days and you 'll be back here with me … where you belong . " Billy swiped the key card through the reader , pushing the door open . He sighed heavily as his eyes roamed the empty hotel room . This wasn 't at all the way he wanted to spend his six month anniversary with Phyllis . He 'd envisioned a much different type of celebration . Instead he was here - in a very nice hotel with a bunch of stuffed shirts and an expense account . He missed her and , even though there was plenty to do in Toronto , the only thing he really wanted to do was lie on the couch and think about her . He glanced at his watch . It wasn 't that late and the time zones weren 't so different . Maybe she 'd still be up . A sly smile played upon his face as he pondered talking with her all night . Walking over the desk , he reached for the phone , stopping only when he saw the note bearing his name . He opened it and began to read I want you to know that even though you aren 't here with me , I 'm always thinking of you . We 'll celebrate when you get back . Until then , don 't sit in that hotel room alone and mope . I 've booked you a table at the restaurant downstairs . Dinner and drinks are already paid for . Love always , A soft laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note back down on the table . It was frightening how well she knew him . He grabbed his suit coat and slid it on over his shirt before heading out the door again . " I left it in his room - right by the phone . I felt sure he 'd probably come in and try to call you … . unless … ugh . . what if he used his cell and didn 't go anywhere near the phone . " Ben covered his face with his hand . " I 'm really sorry . I hope I haven 't messed this whole thing up . " Phyllis shook her head . " I 'm sure he 'll see it , " she sighed , trying not to worry . " You said your conference just ended a little bit ago though , right - so it makes sense that he 's just now getting back to his room and he might wait a bit before coming down . " She paused , watching as a smile spread across Ben 's face . " What ? " she asked . " Don 't uh … Don 't take this the wrong way , Phyllis , but I can 't imagine anyone keeping you waiting . " He smiled at her . " There 's my team , " he said with a grin , gesturing over to a large group of men in suits , " I better get over there before the rumor mill starts . " Phyllis walked down to the end of the bar , adjusting her dress as she perched on the bar stool . Dresses like this weren 't made for sitting , she thought to herself . Out of the corner of her eye , she spotted him . He 'd obviously come straight from his room - not even bothering to change from the clothes he 'd worn to the conference . He looked tired and almost sad . She smiled to herself . She 'd fix that . He took a seat , a few stools down , not even glancing in her direction . The bartender approached and she heard him give him his name . The bartender nodded , reaching back and pulling a bottle of the top shelf scotch she 'd requested . She saw the smile on his face as he took a drink . This was serious she thought - the funk had set in long enough . She untangled her limbs from the bar stool , sashaying across the length between them and slowly slinking up behind him . Her hands crept around his shoulders , one hand covering each of his eyes . He flinched , momentarily confused . Billy paused for a moment , watching the mischievous glint in her eyes . Realization slowly hit him . " Oh , " she sighed , reaching out to softly touch her hair . " Who are you then ? " " Whoever you want me to be , " she said quietly , " But I do need to ask one thing … , that guy over there , " She gestured towards Ben who sat at the head the table of men . " He told me you left a fiancé at home . Is that true ? " Phyllis smiled , leaning in closer still , her lips now softly brushing his . " I guess it 's a good thing she 's not here then , isn 't it ? " She smiled , her hands rubbing against his chest as she tilted her head . " I love this song , " she whispered , " Dance with me . " " Seriously , " he laughed , " I told everyone my fiancé was at home and there 's a whole group from the conference right over there . How 's it going to look if I 'm out on the dance floor with some . . " He stopped , taking a moment , to allow his hands to travel the length of her body , " incredibly sexy woman . " " So … I guess if those numbers check out then … " He looked up , turning his head towards what every other man seemed to be staring out . " Guys , " he said . " Guys ! " " It 's just that guy … that Abbott guy . We thought he had a fiancé at home and he uh … Well , he seems pretty damn cozy with that hot little number over there . " He pointed towards Phyllis who stood beside him , her arms wrapped tightly around his waist . " Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " |
Victoria hurried to the door , glancing back up towards the stairs mindful of Johnny and Katie sleeping upstairs . " Just a second , " she hissed , her hair still damp from the shower . She glanced out of the side window , sighing as she saw Billy standing there anxiously shifting from foot to foot . He shook his head . " Neither am I . I 'm actually looking for Phyllis . I thought maybe she might have come over to talk to you . " He hesitated , " but I 'm guessing she 's not here . " " I told her that I 'd talked to you tonight about the wedding and then she suddenly had things to take care of . I thought maybe she was going to come over here and try to get you to change your mind , but I guess not . She should have been back by now and I 'm probably just being paranoid . " He stopped talking for a moment , realizing Victoria wouldn 't be the least bit sympathetic to his plight . " Anyway , " he sighed , " Guess I 'll check the house . She was going to take some measurements for window treatments . Maybe that 's where she is . " He turned but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm . " Th . . The house ? " She forced the words from her lips , trying not to look as terrified as she felt . " She wouldn 't be there this late would she ? " Her heart pounded inside her chest , so loud she was afraid he could surely hear it . Billy smiled slightly . " We 've had some guys working on the front porch and doing some landscaping and she doesn 't like being there when they 're all there . Apparently one of them keeps asking her to lunch . I don 't know . Anyway , she likes to go after hours so she can get a few things done without all the noise and interruptions . " " Did you try calling her ? " She couldn 't have been there . There was no way . She would have seen a light or something , wouldn 't she ? Did she even look ? Did she even bother to check ? Victoria shook her head quickly . " Well you should try her again , " she snapped , pointing to the phone that was in always in his pocket . " Try her again ! " Billy narrowed his eyes . " Why are you so worried about … " His hand reached for his phone , holding it just as it started to ring . " Ah , " he said with a smile , looking down at the screen as he saw her number . He placed the phone to his ear . " I was starting to get worried , " he said softly , turning his back towards Victoria . She watched as his shoulders tensed . " What ? Yes . Yes . Oh my God . Is she alright ? Of course . Of course I can . Yes . Yes . I 'm on my way . Please tell her I 'm on my way . " She watched him as he threw himself into the car and careened down the dark street . Her stomach lurched as she forced a breath into her body , and sank down onto the cushion of the couch , the smell of gasoline still strong on the jacket that lay across the sofa 's back . " My God , " she whispered , " What have I done ? " " Hold on . One question at a time - they 've got in the exam room right now . She 's not conscious , but that 's very common with smoke inhalation . The fire was reported very quickly by the neighbors so the hope is she wasn 't inside long enough to sustain any serious damage to her lungs or any serious burns . " " Mr . Abbott , We aren 't here to ask you questions about the fire . We 're here to get information to help with the case . We 've already got a pretty good idea of the circumstances that led to the fire at your house tonight . " There was silence for a moment as the information set in . " Wait a minute . " Billy blinked a few times , his mind reeling . " You 're telling me somebody intentionally set my house on fire . Someone wanted my house to burn down ? Someone wanted to kill my fiancé ? Who would do something like that ? " His breath caught in his throat . " I … I have no idea , but whatever you need … . if it 's money or resources or experts - you let me know . Money is no object . I want this person found . I want them caught and I want them punished as harshly as possible and I want it done fast . Just tell me what to do . " The officer nodded . " Really sir , the only thing we need you to do right now is to think of anyone who might want to do hurt you or your fiancé . Think of anyone who had a reason to want to see the two of you unhappy . Think of people that may feel wronged by something you 've done . It could be a jealous ex or a disgruntled co - worker . Just think about it and if you come up with anything - even something that seems like nothing … " He handed Billy a business card , " just call me . " " They don 't know anything yet . They 're still examining her . " He stared at her , his mind spinning with possibilities . " You know , Vic . I can appreciate the fact that you 're trying here , but you really shouldn 't be here . It 's clear the way you feel about Phyllis and I really can 't handle you pretending to be all broken up … " " Billy . " Her hand brushed his arm . " I never wanted anything like this to happen . I didn 't . I mean just because I don 't like her doesn 't mean I ever wished anything like this would happen . " " Right , " he huffed sarcastically , " You just never wanted me to be with her . You just never wanted us to be happy . It killed you that we were getting married , that we might be living a life , having a family , moving into that house … " The words floated through the air for a moment . His eyes flashed with the idea , as if hearing the words out loud suddenly made the concept a living , breathing possibility . She heard it in his voice . It was a mix of disbelief , disgust , anger , shame , and disappointment . " I never meant for this to happen , " she said softly . " I swear , Billy . I never meant . " " I don 't . " He ran his hands over his face , swallowing hard to quell the overwhelming urge to scream . " I don 't even know what to say to you right now . Phyllis could … " " No . No . No . No … . " She stammered , desperate to make him understand . " Listen , please listen . I need you to hear this . If you don 't hear anything else . If you don 't ' believe anything else , please believe this . I had no idea she was in that house . I had no idea she was inside . I swear it , Billy . I would never ever do that . " Billy whirled around , his eyes flashing in rage as he looked at her . " Get out of here , " he snarled . " I don 't want to talk to you . I don 't want to hear you . I don 't want to look at you . " " Oh you will . You will make this right . You will pay for this . I promise you that . Right now though , you aren 't my concern . Phyllis is . I 'm going to see her and make sure she 's alright and I 'll deal with you later . " Billy pushed open the door , tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw her . " Hi , " he whispered , rushing over to the bedside and taking her hand in his . His lips quickly found her forehead , brushing against the cool skin . " It 's so good to see you . " " You too , " she sighed . She took a breath , coughing a bit and sighing as he quickly produced water for her . " You always take such good care of me , " she smiled . Billy leaned in closer to her , his fingertips slowly tracing her jawline . He stopped just below her chin , raising her face up to look into her eyes . " That house was nothing but bricks and wood and nails without you and my kids in it . We can find another house . We can find ten other houses . We can live in a cardboard box on the street … . as long as I have you and my kids , it 'll be a castle . " " Thank you , Mr . Abbott , " she grinned . She leaned in , kissing him quickly as she glanced over at the small table in the corner . " You two good over there ? " Phyllis leaned in towards Billy who wrapped his arms around her . She looked up at him with a smile . " What 's the matter ? " she asked , noting a small touch of concern in his eyes . " But I wasn 't , " Phyllis said softly , " And you and I both know we would have spent months upon months in court and she probably wouldn 't have served any time anyway . Newmans can buy their way out of anything . At least this way , we don 't waste any of our time being bitter and vindictive . Besides Victoria may not be serving a jail sentence but I still think 30 days of observation in Fairview will give her some much needed quiet time . " Billy grinned , pulling her closer to him and sneaking another kiss . He pulled her hand up , staring at the ring on her finger . " No . I don 't guess so . I guess this way everyone got what they wanted . I know I certainly got what I wanted , " he whispered . Phyllis tossed the magazine to the side of the bed quickly closing the distance between them as she rushed into his arms . " Hey , " she breathed , feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh . She pulled back a bit , looking up into his eyes . " I was beginning to get a little worried . I 'm guessing by the sound of that sigh things didn 't go very well . " Billy shook his head , taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair before slumping down on to the edge of the bed and loosening his tie . He pulled her onto his lap , kissing the top of her head gently as she allowed it to fall against his shoulder . " You could say that . " " Ugh , " he groaned , closing his eyes and leaning back to lay flat on the bed , pulling her beside him and wrapping his arm around her waist . He turned to face her . " You were right , " he said softly . " It was exactly how you said it would be . " " Being right isn 't nearly as much fun when it makes you this miserable . " Her fingers ran lightly against his face as she looked deep into his eyes . " I really wish I 'd been wrong this time . " He sighed again , smiling as he pulled her a bit closer . " Well , I 've seen firsthand that what seems impossible can happen - look at us . " He brushed his lips against hers , relishing in their happiness even if only for a moment . " No . In fact she adamantly refused and I 'm still not finished with that . I don 't think she can do that … you know , legally - I don 't think she has the right to refuse to allow me to take my children . I 'm not doing it without her permission . She has full knowledge of where they 'll be . We have joint custody for God 's sakes . " " Billy . " Phyllis hesitated , sensing his frustration already growing . The last thing she wanted was to cause problems for him and his children . " Maybe we should just . . " " No , " His hand grabbed hers and his eyes grew serious , " Don 't even think about it . She does not get to do this to us . She 's not going to get her way … not this time . Her whole life … her whole damn family has lived in a world that they think they control everything . They just think they can snap their fingers and the rest of society will bend to their every whim . Well , it 's not going to happen this time . I 'm going to call a lawyer and find out what I need to do to make this happen . " " You really think that 's the best way to handle this ? I mean we could have a ceremony here with the kids and we could still go away and have our honeymoon . It 's not that big of a deal . I don 't want to cause any kind of … " " You 're not . " He cupped her face in his hands as he softened his voice . " That 's just it … you 're not the one that 's causing the friction - Victoria is - and the sooner she realizes that , the better off we 'll all be . " He sighed again , noting the worried expression on her face . " Listen . I don 't want you to be worrying about this . Everything is going to work out . I promise . " " No , she remembered it . As soon as I showed her the photos , she said it was the house that we looked at before Katie was born . She knew exactly what it was - even asked if it was back on the market . " " Yeah , " he breathed . " She kind of did . It was like she didn 't care … like the house didn 't matter to her anymore and maybe it doesn 't . Maybe now that she knows it 's not going to be ours , she really doesn 't care . Who knows , maybe once she has some time to think about the wedding , she 'll feel the same way about that and she 'll get over the anger there too . Maybe I won 't have to do any of the legal stuff and she 'll come to the realization all on her own . " She giggled again , pulling away . " Nope , " she teased , " I 've got a couple things I want to do tonight , but I 'll make you a deal . You stay here and order us some dinner and I 'll make these errands as quick as I can so I can get back here to you , okay ? " She turned the lights off just before pulling into the long winding driveway . Though she was fairly certain they weren 't living there yet , she certainly didn 't want to take any chances . There would be no easy answers to explain why she 'd decided to drive here tonight . In truth she had no answers at all , easy or otherwise . Luckily for her , college students typically didn 't care why you needed a sitter as long as they got paid . All she knew was she needed to see it . She needed to look at the possibility of the life she could have had and know that it was all over . It didn 't seem that long ago that she 'd sat in this very same driveway with Billy and talked about that porch where their children would play . And now … . he was probably making all sorts of plans with Phyllis . Soon they 'd be moving in , making the house their own , making their own memories . It was supposed to be her house , her family , her dream . Victoria felt the tear slide down her face . " It was supposed to be mine , " she whispered . The idea of him being here with her made her sick . What 's worse is they 'd be here now with her children , masquerading as this wholesome depiction of what a family should be . It was wrong . It was a lie . It wasn 't fair . She had to protect her children . She had to hold onto her dignity , her self respect , the last shreds of pride she had left . With trembling hands , she reached down into the floorboard , her hand quickly finding the handle of the gas jug . It had seemed serendipitous almost - how her eyes fell on the jug as she walked to her car . She 'd forgotten about it being there . Ironically , it had been Billy that had purchased it , keeping it around for the landscapers to use to fuel their equipment . Now it would be used to fuel something entirely different . She climbed out of the car , walking around the side of the house , through the small gap in the trees where she 'd imagined Johnny would play . Her eyes fell on the swingset in the back and small screened in back porch that she and Billy had both loved . Her feet felt heavy as she walked slowly up the bricked steps . The smell of gasoline was strong in the air , but strangely enough , she 'd always the found the smell to be pleasant - another idiosyncrasy many didn 't know . There was something almost calming about the way the gasoline settled into the nooks and crannies of the bricks - as if it belonged there . She watched as it dripped down into the brush that surrounded the windows and doors on the first floor . In her mind , she wondered how long it would take for the entire house to engulf and she was almost disappointed that she wouldn 't be able to stay and watch . It would be on the news , she thought to herself . That would have to do . She took a breath , reaching into her pocket for the matches . She struck one and stepped back before tossing it towards the brush . The flame was impressive , immediately catching a tall branch above the eave , and beginning to rain down fiery leaves on the roof . She threw another match towards the porch , watching with interest as the screen 's wooden frame began to almost melt under the flame 's heat . She sighed before moving quickly back towards the car . Placing the matches and jug back in the passenger seat , she backed down the driveway quickly - waiting until she was far down the road before turning back on the lights . She stood in the silence of the kitchen , brushing the jagged pieces of glass into the wastebasket . She couldn 't go back into that room - not yet . Her pride was all she left to salvage of this and even that was hanging on by a thin thread . The words echoed in her head . It wasn 't a surprise - not really . It was what Billy wanted . It was what he 'd wanted for a while now and he 'd never denied that , so hearing him admit it wasn 't a shock . It was the ease in which he said the words to her . It was the compassion in his eyes , the pity . It made her sick , broke her heart , and infuriated her . . all at once . Before she knew it , she 'd been standing there in front of him , the glass of wine in her hand now shattered on the floor . He had tried to help her clean it , but she 'd shoved him away , moving quickly into the kitchen . She needed space . She needed a moment . She needed to breathe . " It 's fine , " she said quickly , returning to the couch and taking a seat beside him . " So … " She swallowed hard , forcing her lips to curve into a terse smile . " I take it Phyllis said yes when you asked her to marry you . " " Well , that 's good for you . " She stood , walking across the room and turning her back to him . He would not see her cry . He didn 't deserve her tears . " Come on , Vic . I don 't know what else you want me to do here . I 'm trying to do everything right . I thought it was the right thing to do to come over here and tell you this in person . I didn 't want you to hear it from someone else . I wanted to come and talk to you about it . I thought you deserved that . " She whirled around , the condescension in his voice proving too much to ignore . " Oh , really ? You thought I deserved that ? Well , thank you , Billy . Thank you so much for doing me that courtesy . " " What was I supposed to do ? Huh ? Just never be happy ? Just stay miserable my whole life because you 're miserable . " He ran his hands over his face . " Sorry , " he whispered through clenched teeth . " I shouldn 't have said that . " " I 'm not miserable . " She bit down hard on the inside of her cheek , finding it easier to quell the tears with the rage burning inside of her . " You 're going to be the one that 's miserable if you marry that … " " Stop . " Billy held up hand in front of him . " Don 't talk about her . I didn 't come here tonight to ask for your blessing or to get your approval . I simply came here to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face . " He paused . " And there 's one more thing . " " Vic . " Billy warned . " No , she 's not pregnant . It 's about the wedding . We don 't want to do a big wedding in town . " Billy sighed in utter exasperation . " Are you enjoying this ? Making this difficult for me because right about now I can 't remember why I didn 't just let you see this on GC Buzz or read it online like everyone else will . " " Of course not … it 's just … you could be decent about it . " He shook his head with a sigh . " Forget it . That 's not the point , anyway . I just wanted to tell you that we 're not doing a wedding here . Phyllis and I have talked about it and we 're just going to combine the honeymoon and the wedding and fly off to Italy and get married . " " If you want them there , you 'll have a wedding here like everyone else . " She stared at him for a moment before continuing . " Don 't act like you wouldn 't be saying the very same thing if I was asking something like this of you . " " Oh , I 'm damn well going to bring him into it . I seem to recall a time when he asked you to go with him on his boat to go God knows where and to take the kids with you and I told you to go if you wanted . I wouldn 't have fought you . I wanted you to be happy , Vic . So tell me again how I would be doing the same thing you are ? " " You were what ? Meant to be ? That 's why he 's here right now ? Where is he , Vic ? Is he upstairs ? Outside ? No ? He 's gone isn 't he … . and maybe that 's what this is really about , isn 't it ? Maybe it 's about the fact that Travis left you and instead of running back to you to pick up the pieces like you always expected me to do , I found someone else . Maybe when you decided that you were ready to take me back , I wasn 't waiting on the doorstep this time . Maybe that 's why you 're so damn angry . What do you think ? Am I getting close ? " She stared at him , her eyes wide , the truth in his words cutting deeply . Her eyes fluttered closed as she tasted blood trickling from the cuts on her inner cheek and she opened her mouth a bit , running her tongue over the tender skin . A tear slowly escaped her eye , running slowly down her cheek . " Vic . " Billy stepped closer to her , his head hanging in shame . " I 'm sorry . I … I kind of lost it there and I shouldn 't have … I 'm really sorry . I should go . We can talk about the rest later . " Her hand rushed to her face , brushing away the tears that continued to fall . " There 's more ? " Her voice shook as the words flew out . " No , Billy . If there 's more , just tell me now . What other wonderful news could you possibly have to share with me ? " She walked over to the couch , falling down onto it , her entire body exhausted . She was too tired to fight , to yell , to do anything - she just wanted this over . " You probably won 't even care about this . " He sat down , reaching into his jacket and pulling out a few folded pieces of paper . " In fact you may not even remember . " He handed her the pages and watched as her eyes roamed the images and words . " Of course I do , " she said , smiling a bit in spite of herself , " It 's the one we looked at a few years ago , before Katie was born . You loved it but the owners decided not to sell . Is it back on the market ? " She looked up at him with a smile . " Not anymore , " he said softly . " I bought it . Phyllis and I are going to live there . It 's going to be our new home . " Billy closed the door with a sigh . There was no sign of her in the living room , which probably meant she was upstairs … packing . He ran his hands over his face as he glanced towards the stairs . He smiled , half - heartedly , hating what he was about to do . Slowly , he trudged up the steps . The smile spread across his face when she met him in the doorway , her hands pressed to his chest . Her lips lightly pressed against hers before she quickly turned away , reaching back towards the bed and picking up two swimsuits . He could see the disappointment in her eyes and he hated knowing he was the one that caused it . All he wanted , all he 'd ever wanted was to make her happy . " This stupid thing with work … This big campaign to break into the Canadian market . . " He paused , looking into her eyes . " If there was anyone else I could send , I swear , I would . I was really looking forward to this little getaway with you . " Phyllis smiled sadly at him . " Hey , you know what , it 's okay . We 'll go away later - when you get back . It 'll just be our six month and then some anniversary , right ? Tonight , we can just go have a nice dinner or something . " She studied his face as his eyes closed again . " Actually . I 'm gonna have to take a rain check on dinner , too . My flight leaves in an hour and a half . I 've got to grab a bag and head to the airport . " She nodded . " Alright , " she sighed . " That 's alright . We can celebrate when you get back . It 's not a big deal . " " No , see it is a big deal . " His fingertips ran through her hair quickly before he rested his palm against the side of her face . She felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath and pulled her tight against him . " I don 't want you to think I don 't think it 's a big deal , because it is … this is a very big deal to me . It took us a long time to get to a place where we could celebrate our relationship and now … we 're here . We 're together . We 're getting married . I just … I want you to know that it 's not a small thing for me to miss this . " Phyllis felt her throat tighten as she heard the words . Her head rested against his chest as she took a slow , deep breath of her own . She 'd never been the overly emotional type . She was never the one to cry at the drop of the hat , but Billy somehow always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart . " It 's not about the dates , " she said softly , raising her head to look at him , " it 's about the memories . We 'll make it even more special when you get back , okay ? " She smiled . " It 's just three days , " she said quietly . " Three days and you 'll be back here with me … where you belong . " Billy swiped the key card through the reader , pushing the door open . He sighed heavily as his eyes roamed the empty hotel room . This wasn 't at all the way he wanted to spend his six month anniversary with Phyllis . He 'd envisioned a much different type of celebration . Instead he was here - in a very nice hotel with a bunch of stuffed shirts and an expense account . He missed her and , even though there was plenty to do in Toronto , the only thing he really wanted to do was lie on the couch and think about her . He glanced at his watch . It wasn 't that late and the time zones weren 't so different . Maybe she 'd still be up . A sly smile played upon his face as he pondered talking with her all night . Walking over the desk , he reached for the phone , stopping only when he saw the note bearing his name . He opened it and began to read I want you to know that even though you aren 't here with me , I 'm always thinking of you . We 'll celebrate when you get back . Until then , don 't sit in that hotel room alone and mope . I 've booked you a table at the restaurant downstairs . Dinner and drinks are already paid for . Love always , A soft laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note back down on the table . It was frightening how well she knew him . He grabbed his suit coat and slid it on over his shirt before heading out the door again . " I left it in his room - right by the phone . I felt sure he 'd probably come in and try to call you … . unless … ugh . . what if he used his cell and didn 't go anywhere near the phone . " Ben covered his face with his hand . " I 'm really sorry . I hope I haven 't messed this whole thing up . " Phyllis shook her head . " I 'm sure he 'll see it , " she sighed , trying not to worry . " You said your conference just ended a little bit ago though , right - so it makes sense that he 's just now getting back to his room and he might wait a bit before coming down . " She paused , watching as a smile spread across Ben 's face . " What ? " she asked . " Don 't uh … Don 't take this the wrong way , Phyllis , but I can 't imagine anyone keeping you waiting . " He smiled at her . " There 's my team , " he said with a grin , gesturing over to a large group of men in suits , " I better get over there before the rumor mill starts . " Phyllis walked down to the end of the bar , adjusting her dress as she perched on the bar stool . Dresses like this weren 't made for sitting , she thought to herself . Out of the corner of her eye , she spotted him . He 'd obviously come straight from his room - not even bothering to change from the clothes he 'd worn to the conference . He looked tired and almost sad . She smiled to herself . She 'd fix that . He took a seat , a few stools down , not even glancing in her direction . The bartender approached and she heard him give him his name . The bartender nodded , reaching back and pulling a bottle of the top shelf scotch she 'd requested . She saw the smile on his face as he took a drink . This was serious she thought - the funk had set in long enough . She untangled her limbs from the bar stool , sashaying across the length between them and slowly slinking up behind him . Her hands crept around his shoulders , one hand covering each of his eyes . He flinched , momentarily confused . Billy paused for a moment , watching the mischievous glint in her eyes . Realization slowly hit him . " Oh , " she sighed , reaching out to softly touch her hair . " Who are you then ? " " Whoever you want me to be , " she said quietly , " But I do need to ask one thing … , that guy over there , " She gestured towards Ben who sat at the head the table of men . " He told me you left a fiancé at home . Is that true ? " Phyllis smiled , leaning in closer still , her lips now softly brushing his . " I guess it 's a good thing she 's not here then , isn 't it ? " She smiled , her hands rubbing against his chest as she tilted her head . " I love this song , " she whispered , " Dance with me . " " Seriously , " he laughed , " I told everyone my fiancé was at home and there 's a whole group from the conference right over there . How 's it going to look if I 'm out on the dance floor with some . . " He stopped , taking a moment , to allow his hands to travel the length of her body , " incredibly sexy woman . " " So … I guess if those numbers check out then … " He looked up , turning his head towards what every other man seemed to be staring out . " Guys , " he said . " Guys ! " " It 's just that guy … that Abbott guy . We thought he had a fiancé at home and he uh … Well , he seems pretty damn cozy with that hot little number over there . " He pointed towards Phyllis who stood beside him , her arms wrapped tightly around his waist . " Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " |
Victoria hurried to the door , glancing back up towards the stairs mindful of Johnny and Katie sleeping upstairs . " Just a second , " she hissed , her hair still damp from the shower . She glanced out of the side window , sighing as she saw Billy standing there anxiously shifting from foot to foot . He shook his head . " Neither am I . I 'm actually looking for Phyllis . I thought maybe she might have come over to talk to you . " He hesitated , " but I 'm guessing she 's not here . " " I told her that I 'd talked to you tonight about the wedding and then she suddenly had things to take care of . I thought maybe she was going to come over here and try to get you to change your mind , but I guess not . She should have been back by now and I 'm probably just being paranoid . " He stopped talking for a moment , realizing Victoria wouldn 't be the least bit sympathetic to his plight . " Anyway , " he sighed , " Guess I 'll check the house . She was going to take some measurements for window treatments . Maybe that 's where she is . " He turned but stopped when he felt her hand on his arm . " Th . . The house ? " She forced the words from her lips , trying not to look as terrified as she felt . " She wouldn 't be there this late would she ? " Her heart pounded inside her chest , so loud she was afraid he could surely hear it . Billy smiled slightly . " We 've had some guys working on the front porch and doing some landscaping and she doesn 't like being there when they 're all there . Apparently one of them keeps asking her to lunch . I don 't know . Anyway , she likes to go after hours so she can get a few things done without all the noise and interruptions . " " Did you try calling her ? " She couldn 't have been there . There was no way . She would have seen a light or something , wouldn 't she ? Did she even look ? Did she even bother to check ? Victoria shook her head quickly . " Well you should try her again , " she snapped , pointing to the phone that was in always in his pocket . " Try her again ! " Billy narrowed his eyes . " Why are you so worried about … " His hand reached for his phone , holding it just as it started to ring . " Ah , " he said with a smile , looking down at the screen as he saw her number . He placed the phone to his ear . " I was starting to get worried , " he said softly , turning his back towards Victoria . She watched as his shoulders tensed . " What ? Yes . Yes . Oh my God . Is she alright ? Of course . Of course I can . Yes . Yes . I 'm on my way . Please tell her I 'm on my way . " She watched him as he threw himself into the car and careened down the dark street . Her stomach lurched as she forced a breath into her body , and sank down onto the cushion of the couch , the smell of gasoline still strong on the jacket that lay across the sofa 's back . " My God , " she whispered , " What have I done ? " " Hold on . One question at a time - they 've got in the exam room right now . She 's not conscious , but that 's very common with smoke inhalation . The fire was reported very quickly by the neighbors so the hope is she wasn 't inside long enough to sustain any serious damage to her lungs or any serious burns . " " Mr . Abbott , We aren 't here to ask you questions about the fire . We 're here to get information to help with the case . We 've already got a pretty good idea of the circumstances that led to the fire at your house tonight . " There was silence for a moment as the information set in . " Wait a minute . " Billy blinked a few times , his mind reeling . " You 're telling me somebody intentionally set my house on fire . Someone wanted my house to burn down ? Someone wanted to kill my fiancé ? Who would do something like that ? " His breath caught in his throat . " I … I have no idea , but whatever you need … . if it 's money or resources or experts - you let me know . Money is no object . I want this person found . I want them caught and I want them punished as harshly as possible and I want it done fast . Just tell me what to do . " The officer nodded . " Really sir , the only thing we need you to do right now is to think of anyone who might want to do hurt you or your fiancé . Think of anyone who had a reason to want to see the two of you unhappy . Think of people that may feel wronged by something you 've done . It could be a jealous ex or a disgruntled co - worker . Just think about it and if you come up with anything - even something that seems like nothing … " He handed Billy a business card , " just call me . " " They don 't know anything yet . They 're still examining her . " He stared at her , his mind spinning with possibilities . " You know , Vic . I can appreciate the fact that you 're trying here , but you really shouldn 't be here . It 's clear the way you feel about Phyllis and I really can 't handle you pretending to be all broken up … " " Billy . " Her hand brushed his arm . " I never wanted anything like this to happen . I didn 't . I mean just because I don 't like her doesn 't mean I ever wished anything like this would happen . " " Right , " he huffed sarcastically , " You just never wanted me to be with her . You just never wanted us to be happy . It killed you that we were getting married , that we might be living a life , having a family , moving into that house … " The words floated through the air for a moment . His eyes flashed with the idea , as if hearing the words out loud suddenly made the concept a living , breathing possibility . She heard it in his voice . It was a mix of disbelief , disgust , anger , shame , and disappointment . " I never meant for this to happen , " she said softly . " I swear , Billy . I never meant . " " I don 't . " He ran his hands over his face , swallowing hard to quell the overwhelming urge to scream . " I don 't even know what to say to you right now . Phyllis could … " " No . No . No . No … . " She stammered , desperate to make him understand . " Listen , please listen . I need you to hear this . If you don 't hear anything else . If you don 't ' believe anything else , please believe this . I had no idea she was in that house . I had no idea she was inside . I swear it , Billy . I would never ever do that . " Billy whirled around , his eyes flashing in rage as he looked at her . " Get out of here , " he snarled . " I don 't want to talk to you . I don 't want to hear you . I don 't want to look at you . " " Oh you will . You will make this right . You will pay for this . I promise you that . Right now though , you aren 't my concern . Phyllis is . I 'm going to see her and make sure she 's alright and I 'll deal with you later . " Billy pushed open the door , tears immediately filling his eyes when he saw her . " Hi , " he whispered , rushing over to the bedside and taking her hand in his . His lips quickly found her forehead , brushing against the cool skin . " It 's so good to see you . " " You too , " she sighed . She took a breath , coughing a bit and sighing as he quickly produced water for her . " You always take such good care of me , " she smiled . Billy leaned in closer to her , his fingertips slowly tracing her jawline . He stopped just below her chin , raising her face up to look into her eyes . " That house was nothing but bricks and wood and nails without you and my kids in it . We can find another house . We can find ten other houses . We can live in a cardboard box on the street … . as long as I have you and my kids , it 'll be a castle . " " Thank you , Mr . Abbott , " she grinned . She leaned in , kissing him quickly as she glanced over at the small table in the corner . " You two good over there ? " Phyllis leaned in towards Billy who wrapped his arms around her . She looked up at him with a smile . " What 's the matter ? " she asked , noting a small touch of concern in his eyes . " But I wasn 't , " Phyllis said softly , " And you and I both know we would have spent months upon months in court and she probably wouldn 't have served any time anyway . Newmans can buy their way out of anything . At least this way , we don 't waste any of our time being bitter and vindictive . Besides Victoria may not be serving a jail sentence but I still think 30 days of observation in Fairview will give her some much needed quiet time . " Billy grinned , pulling her closer to him and sneaking another kiss . He pulled her hand up , staring at the ring on her finger . " No . I don 't guess so . I guess this way everyone got what they wanted . I know I certainly got what I wanted , " he whispered . Phyllis tossed the magazine to the side of the bed quickly closing the distance between them as she rushed into his arms . " Hey , " she breathed , feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh . She pulled back a bit , looking up into his eyes . " I was beginning to get a little worried . I 'm guessing by the sound of that sigh things didn 't go very well . " Billy shook his head , taking off his jacket and tossing it over the back of the chair before slumping down on to the edge of the bed and loosening his tie . He pulled her onto his lap , kissing the top of her head gently as she allowed it to fall against his shoulder . " You could say that . " " Ugh , " he groaned , closing his eyes and leaning back to lay flat on the bed , pulling her beside him and wrapping his arm around her waist . He turned to face her . " You were right , " he said softly . " It was exactly how you said it would be . " " Being right isn 't nearly as much fun when it makes you this miserable . " Her fingers ran lightly against his face as she looked deep into his eyes . " I really wish I 'd been wrong this time . " He sighed again , smiling as he pulled her a bit closer . " Well , I 've seen firsthand that what seems impossible can happen - look at us . " He brushed his lips against hers , relishing in their happiness even if only for a moment . " No . In fact she adamantly refused and I 'm still not finished with that . I don 't think she can do that … you know , legally - I don 't think she has the right to refuse to allow me to take my children . I 'm not doing it without her permission . She has full knowledge of where they 'll be . We have joint custody for God 's sakes . " " Billy . " Phyllis hesitated , sensing his frustration already growing . The last thing she wanted was to cause problems for him and his children . " Maybe we should just . . " " No , " His hand grabbed hers and his eyes grew serious , " Don 't even think about it . She does not get to do this to us . She 's not going to get her way … not this time . Her whole life … her whole damn family has lived in a world that they think they control everything . They just think they can snap their fingers and the rest of society will bend to their every whim . Well , it 's not going to happen this time . I 'm going to call a lawyer and find out what I need to do to make this happen . " " You really think that 's the best way to handle this ? I mean we could have a ceremony here with the kids and we could still go away and have our honeymoon . It 's not that big of a deal . I don 't want to cause any kind of … " " You 're not . " He cupped her face in his hands as he softened his voice . " That 's just it … you 're not the one that 's causing the friction - Victoria is - and the sooner she realizes that , the better off we 'll all be . " He sighed again , noting the worried expression on her face . " Listen . I don 't want you to be worrying about this . Everything is going to work out . I promise . " " No , she remembered it . As soon as I showed her the photos , she said it was the house that we looked at before Katie was born . She knew exactly what it was - even asked if it was back on the market . " " Yeah , " he breathed . " She kind of did . It was like she didn 't care … like the house didn 't matter to her anymore and maybe it doesn 't . Maybe now that she knows it 's not going to be ours , she really doesn 't care . Who knows , maybe once she has some time to think about the wedding , she 'll feel the same way about that and she 'll get over the anger there too . Maybe I won 't have to do any of the legal stuff and she 'll come to the realization all on her own . " She giggled again , pulling away . " Nope , " she teased , " I 've got a couple things I want to do tonight , but I 'll make you a deal . You stay here and order us some dinner and I 'll make these errands as quick as I can so I can get back here to you , okay ? " She turned the lights off just before pulling into the long winding driveway . Though she was fairly certain they weren 't living there yet , she certainly didn 't want to take any chances . There would be no easy answers to explain why she 'd decided to drive here tonight . In truth she had no answers at all , easy or otherwise . Luckily for her , college students typically didn 't care why you needed a sitter as long as they got paid . All she knew was she needed to see it . She needed to look at the possibility of the life she could have had and know that it was all over . It didn 't seem that long ago that she 'd sat in this very same driveway with Billy and talked about that porch where their children would play . And now … . he was probably making all sorts of plans with Phyllis . Soon they 'd be moving in , making the house their own , making their own memories . It was supposed to be her house , her family , her dream . Victoria felt the tear slide down her face . " It was supposed to be mine , " she whispered . The idea of him being here with her made her sick . What 's worse is they 'd be here now with her children , masquerading as this wholesome depiction of what a family should be . It was wrong . It was a lie . It wasn 't fair . She had to protect her children . She had to hold onto her dignity , her self respect , the last shreds of pride she had left . With trembling hands , she reached down into the floorboard , her hand quickly finding the handle of the gas jug . It had seemed serendipitous almost - how her eyes fell on the jug as she walked to her car . She 'd forgotten about it being there . Ironically , it had been Billy that had purchased it , keeping it around for the landscapers to use to fuel their equipment . Now it would be used to fuel something entirely different . She climbed out of the car , walking around the side of the house , through the small gap in the trees where she 'd imagined Johnny would play . Her eyes fell on the swingset in the back and small screened in back porch that she and Billy had both loved . Her feet felt heavy as she walked slowly up the bricked steps . The smell of gasoline was strong in the air , but strangely enough , she 'd always the found the smell to be pleasant - another idiosyncrasy many didn 't know . There was something almost calming about the way the gasoline settled into the nooks and crannies of the bricks - as if it belonged there . She watched as it dripped down into the brush that surrounded the windows and doors on the first floor . In her mind , she wondered how long it would take for the entire house to engulf and she was almost disappointed that she wouldn 't be able to stay and watch . It would be on the news , she thought to herself . That would have to do . She took a breath , reaching into her pocket for the matches . She struck one and stepped back before tossing it towards the brush . The flame was impressive , immediately catching a tall branch above the eave , and beginning to rain down fiery leaves on the roof . She threw another match towards the porch , watching with interest as the screen 's wooden frame began to almost melt under the flame 's heat . She sighed before moving quickly back towards the car . Placing the matches and jug back in the passenger seat , she backed down the driveway quickly - waiting until she was far down the road before turning back on the lights . She stood in the silence of the kitchen , brushing the jagged pieces of glass into the wastebasket . She couldn 't go back into that room - not yet . Her pride was all she left to salvage of this and even that was hanging on by a thin thread . The words echoed in her head . It wasn 't a surprise - not really . It was what Billy wanted . It was what he 'd wanted for a while now and he 'd never denied that , so hearing him admit it wasn 't a shock . It was the ease in which he said the words to her . It was the compassion in his eyes , the pity . It made her sick , broke her heart , and infuriated her . . all at once . Before she knew it , she 'd been standing there in front of him , the glass of wine in her hand now shattered on the floor . He had tried to help her clean it , but she 'd shoved him away , moving quickly into the kitchen . She needed space . She needed a moment . She needed to breathe . " It 's fine , " she said quickly , returning to the couch and taking a seat beside him . " So … " She swallowed hard , forcing her lips to curve into a terse smile . " I take it Phyllis said yes when you asked her to marry you . " " Well , that 's good for you . " She stood , walking across the room and turning her back to him . He would not see her cry . He didn 't deserve her tears . " Come on , Vic . I don 't know what else you want me to do here . I 'm trying to do everything right . I thought it was the right thing to do to come over here and tell you this in person . I didn 't want you to hear it from someone else . I wanted to come and talk to you about it . I thought you deserved that . " She whirled around , the condescension in his voice proving too much to ignore . " Oh , really ? You thought I deserved that ? Well , thank you , Billy . Thank you so much for doing me that courtesy . " " What was I supposed to do ? Huh ? Just never be happy ? Just stay miserable my whole life because you 're miserable . " He ran his hands over his face . " Sorry , " he whispered through clenched teeth . " I shouldn 't have said that . " " I 'm not miserable . " She bit down hard on the inside of her cheek , finding it easier to quell the tears with the rage burning inside of her . " You 're going to be the one that 's miserable if you marry that … " " Stop . " Billy held up hand in front of him . " Don 't talk about her . I didn 't come here tonight to ask for your blessing or to get your approval . I simply came here to give you the courtesy of telling you to your face . " He paused . " And there 's one more thing . " " Vic . " Billy warned . " No , she 's not pregnant . It 's about the wedding . We don 't want to do a big wedding in town . " Billy sighed in utter exasperation . " Are you enjoying this ? Making this difficult for me because right about now I can 't remember why I didn 't just let you see this on GC Buzz or read it online like everyone else will . " " Of course not … it 's just … you could be decent about it . " He shook his head with a sigh . " Forget it . That 's not the point , anyway . I just wanted to tell you that we 're not doing a wedding here . Phyllis and I have talked about it and we 're just going to combine the honeymoon and the wedding and fly off to Italy and get married . " " If you want them there , you 'll have a wedding here like everyone else . " She stared at him for a moment before continuing . " Don 't act like you wouldn 't be saying the very same thing if I was asking something like this of you . " " Oh , I 'm damn well going to bring him into it . I seem to recall a time when he asked you to go with him on his boat to go God knows where and to take the kids with you and I told you to go if you wanted . I wouldn 't have fought you . I wanted you to be happy , Vic . So tell me again how I would be doing the same thing you are ? " " You were what ? Meant to be ? That 's why he 's here right now ? Where is he , Vic ? Is he upstairs ? Outside ? No ? He 's gone isn 't he … . and maybe that 's what this is really about , isn 't it ? Maybe it 's about the fact that Travis left you and instead of running back to you to pick up the pieces like you always expected me to do , I found someone else . Maybe when you decided that you were ready to take me back , I wasn 't waiting on the doorstep this time . Maybe that 's why you 're so damn angry . What do you think ? Am I getting close ? " She stared at him , her eyes wide , the truth in his words cutting deeply . Her eyes fluttered closed as she tasted blood trickling from the cuts on her inner cheek and she opened her mouth a bit , running her tongue over the tender skin . A tear slowly escaped her eye , running slowly down her cheek . " Vic . " Billy stepped closer to her , his head hanging in shame . " I 'm sorry . I … I kind of lost it there and I shouldn 't have … I 'm really sorry . I should go . We can talk about the rest later . " Her hand rushed to her face , brushing away the tears that continued to fall . " There 's more ? " Her voice shook as the words flew out . " No , Billy . If there 's more , just tell me now . What other wonderful news could you possibly have to share with me ? " She walked over to the couch , falling down onto it , her entire body exhausted . She was too tired to fight , to yell , to do anything - she just wanted this over . " You probably won 't even care about this . " He sat down , reaching into his jacket and pulling out a few folded pieces of paper . " In fact you may not even remember . " He handed her the pages and watched as her eyes roamed the images and words . " Of course I do , " she said , smiling a bit in spite of herself , " It 's the one we looked at a few years ago , before Katie was born . You loved it but the owners decided not to sell . Is it back on the market ? " She looked up at him with a smile . " Not anymore , " he said softly . " I bought it . Phyllis and I are going to live there . It 's going to be our new home . " Billy closed the door with a sigh . There was no sign of her in the living room , which probably meant she was upstairs … packing . He ran his hands over his face as he glanced towards the stairs . He smiled , half - heartedly , hating what he was about to do . Slowly , he trudged up the steps . The smile spread across his face when she met him in the doorway , her hands pressed to his chest . Her lips lightly pressed against hers before she quickly turned away , reaching back towards the bed and picking up two swimsuits . He could see the disappointment in her eyes and he hated knowing he was the one that caused it . All he wanted , all he 'd ever wanted was to make her happy . " This stupid thing with work … This big campaign to break into the Canadian market . . " He paused , looking into her eyes . " If there was anyone else I could send , I swear , I would . I was really looking forward to this little getaway with you . " Phyllis smiled sadly at him . " Hey , you know what , it 's okay . We 'll go away later - when you get back . It 'll just be our six month and then some anniversary , right ? Tonight , we can just go have a nice dinner or something . " She studied his face as his eyes closed again . " Actually . I 'm gonna have to take a rain check on dinner , too . My flight leaves in an hour and a half . I 've got to grab a bag and head to the airport . " She nodded . " Alright , " she sighed . " That 's alright . We can celebrate when you get back . It 's not a big deal . " " No , see it is a big deal . " His fingertips ran through her hair quickly before he rested his palm against the side of her face . She felt his chest rise and fall as he took a deep breath and pulled her tight against him . " I don 't want you to think I don 't think it 's a big deal , because it is … this is a very big deal to me . It took us a long time to get to a place where we could celebrate our relationship and now … we 're here . We 're together . We 're getting married . I just … I want you to know that it 's not a small thing for me to miss this . " Phyllis felt her throat tighten as she heard the words . Her head rested against his chest as she took a slow , deep breath of her own . She 'd never been the overly emotional type . She was never the one to cry at the drop of the hat , but Billy somehow always knew exactly what to say to get to her heart . " It 's not about the dates , " she said softly , raising her head to look at him , " it 's about the memories . We 'll make it even more special when you get back , okay ? " She smiled . " It 's just three days , " she said quietly . " Three days and you 'll be back here with me … where you belong . " Billy swiped the key card through the reader , pushing the door open . He sighed heavily as his eyes roamed the empty hotel room . This wasn 't at all the way he wanted to spend his six month anniversary with Phyllis . He 'd envisioned a much different type of celebration . Instead he was here - in a very nice hotel with a bunch of stuffed shirts and an expense account . He missed her and , even though there was plenty to do in Toronto , the only thing he really wanted to do was lie on the couch and think about her . He glanced at his watch . It wasn 't that late and the time zones weren 't so different . Maybe she 'd still be up . A sly smile played upon his face as he pondered talking with her all night . Walking over the desk , he reached for the phone , stopping only when he saw the note bearing his name . He opened it and began to read I want you to know that even though you aren 't here with me , I 'm always thinking of you . We 'll celebrate when you get back . Until then , don 't sit in that hotel room alone and mope . I 've booked you a table at the restaurant downstairs . Dinner and drinks are already paid for . Love always , A soft laugh escaped his lips as he placed the note back down on the table . It was frightening how well she knew him . He grabbed his suit coat and slid it on over his shirt before heading out the door again . " I left it in his room - right by the phone . I felt sure he 'd probably come in and try to call you … . unless … ugh . . what if he used his cell and didn 't go anywhere near the phone . " Ben covered his face with his hand . " I 'm really sorry . I hope I haven 't messed this whole thing up . " Phyllis shook her head . " I 'm sure he 'll see it , " she sighed , trying not to worry . " You said your conference just ended a little bit ago though , right - so it makes sense that he 's just now getting back to his room and he might wait a bit before coming down . " She paused , watching as a smile spread across Ben 's face . " What ? " she asked . " Don 't uh … Don 't take this the wrong way , Phyllis , but I can 't imagine anyone keeping you waiting . " He smiled at her . " There 's my team , " he said with a grin , gesturing over to a large group of men in suits , " I better get over there before the rumor mill starts . " Phyllis walked down to the end of the bar , adjusting her dress as she perched on the bar stool . Dresses like this weren 't made for sitting , she thought to herself . Out of the corner of her eye , she spotted him . He 'd obviously come straight from his room - not even bothering to change from the clothes he 'd worn to the conference . He looked tired and almost sad . She smiled to herself . She 'd fix that . He took a seat , a few stools down , not even glancing in her direction . The bartender approached and she heard him give him his name . The bartender nodded , reaching back and pulling a bottle of the top shelf scotch she 'd requested . She saw the smile on his face as he took a drink . This was serious she thought - the funk had set in long enough . She untangled her limbs from the bar stool , sashaying across the length between them and slowly slinking up behind him . Her hands crept around his shoulders , one hand covering each of his eyes . He flinched , momentarily confused . Billy paused for a moment , watching the mischievous glint in her eyes . Realization slowly hit him . " Oh , " she sighed , reaching out to softly touch her hair . " Who are you then ? " " Whoever you want me to be , " she said quietly , " But I do need to ask one thing … , that guy over there , " She gestured towards Ben who sat at the head the table of men . " He told me you left a fiancé at home . Is that true ? " Phyllis smiled , leaning in closer still , her lips now softly brushing his . " I guess it 's a good thing she 's not here then , isn 't it ? " She smiled , her hands rubbing against his chest as she tilted her head . " I love this song , " she whispered , " Dance with me . " " Seriously , " he laughed , " I told everyone my fiancé was at home and there 's a whole group from the conference right over there . How 's it going to look if I 'm out on the dance floor with some . . " He stopped , taking a moment , to allow his hands to travel the length of her body , " incredibly sexy woman . " " So … I guess if those numbers check out then … " He looked up , turning his head towards what every other man seemed to be staring out . " Guys , " he said . " Guys ! " " It 's just that guy … that Abbott guy . We thought he had a fiancé at home and he uh … Well , he seems pretty damn cozy with that hot little number over there . " He pointed towards Phyllis who stood beside him , her arms wrapped tightly around his waist . " Hey . " His voice was soft as he pulled the door open and waited for her to step inside . Grace turned into her chest , clutching her body and pulling away from him . Billy nodded , trying to at least pretend to believe that was the reason . In truth , Grace wasn 't becoming the least bit comfortable with him . Maybe it was because she could sense how tense it was between them , how much he felt like he let Phyllis down every time he couldn 't remember the memories and the moments she described . It had been weeks now and each time she visited , he felt like he hurt her even more . " I brought you more albums , " she said cheerfully . " Your sister sent some from when you were younger and then I found the first professional pictures I had taken of Grace … I don 't think you 've seen those yet . " She glanced up , smiling at him , her eyes full of hope - just as they always were , until he ruined it . " And then there 's these … " He walked over towards the couch , glancing down at Grace who was now happily settled on her play mat . " What are they ? " Billy let his eyes glance over to the stack that still remained in her hands . By the look on her face , he could tell it meant something - this was a moment she desperately wanted him to remember . It was like literal pressure surrounded him as he slowly flipped through the pictures . He saw their faces and he could tell , without a doubt , that he 'd been happy there . That they 'd been happy in that place and in that moment , but nothing about it seemed familiar . He looked up at her , the hope shining in her eyes . " I … " She stood quickly , turning her back . She 'd done everything she knew to do and nothing had worked . Ashley had asked her not to give up , but more and more this felt like torture both for her and for him . Maybe she had lost him - not in the way she 'd thought , but in every way that really mattered . The Billy she loved had died that night in that accident . Maybe it was time to accept that . " I can 't … . I just can 't … " Her voice betrayed her and she glanced up at him one last time . She rushed over to Grace , gathering her quickly in her arms and rushing for the door . " I 'll call you later , " she breathed as she disappeared into the foyer . He stood frozen in place until the heard the heavy wooden door close . His eyes followed her as she walked to the car , wiping what he thought were tears off her cheeks as she strapped Grace into the carseat . It seemed strange , watching her from the window like this … as if she was talking everything in his world with him … even if he didn 't know how much it meant to him . " I know , baby . " Phyllis lifted Grace out of the car seat . " You don 't like being strapped in there , do you ? " Her daughter 's sweet smile made her laugh softly . She was the only thing that could possibly bring any joy to her right now . " Ronan . " It was strange that her first instinct was to smile . Somehow her anger had dissipated over the weeks and , after talking to him a few times , she 'd really started to see the reasons behind what he 'd done . It wasn 't exactly that she agreed , and she 'd probably never completely understand , but she knew it wasn 't his intention to hurt her and right now , that was enough . " It 's good to see you , " he whispered , walking over to her hesitantly . He smiled broadly as Grace stretched her arms out towards him . " Hey you , " he smiled , reaching for her and easily taking her into his arms . They walked over to the table , and took a seat . Phyllis watched as Grace smiled up , her hand slowly touching the stubble on his face as she usually did . " No , " she said softly , " I missed you too . It 's really good to see you . " Ronan shook his head . " It wasn 't my place to interfere . I know you and Billy are trying to work things out . I know that 's what you want and I think in time , he 'll realize it 's what he wants too . " He studied her face as he said the words . The pain in her eyes was palpable . " Hey , " he said softly , " What 's up ? What happened ? " " It 's just … I 'm not sure Billy and I are gonna happen . He doesn 't remember anything , Ronan and I don 't know if I can keep pretending that everything is just going to work out . It just hurts too damn much . " Tears filled her eyes almost instantly , the realization setting in as the words left her lips . It was hard enough to entertain the thoughts in her mind , but saying them out loud , especially to another person … it made it real . This was what he wanted , wasn 't it ? Didn 't he want her to give up on Billy - so that she 'd be free to be with him ? Maybe so , but her tears weren 't supposed to be part of the equation . " Maybe you just need to give it some time . " He was quiet for a moment , considering his words . " How about if you just got away for a bit … maybe just took Grace away for a few days . . a long weekend . Do something fun … something to just get your mind off all this craziness . It would take the pressure off all of you . " " What if I came along ? " He saw the look of shock in her eyes , and quickly added … " Just to help with Grace . . no pressure . " She sat in the car , her heart pounding . She was thankful the sitter had been available at the last minute . This wasn 't exactly what she wanted Grace to witness - even though she had no reason to believe this would be ugly . Billy didn 't remember what they had , why would he fight not trying to get it back . She smiled , her nerves getting the better of her as she fidgeted with her hands . " I 'm good now , " she breathed . " Can I come in ? " ' It 's not really him . ' She said the words silently to herself as she looked into those eyes - the eyes she 'd stared into so many times . " You know you 'll always be Grace 's father and I 'm going to do everything I can to make sure that the two of you have an opportunity to build your relationship , but us … what we had it was once in a lifetime and I don 't think we can recreate that . " " I just … I can 't keep doing this . I can 't keep trying to make you remember because it hurts too damn much , Billy and it 's not fair . It 's not fair to me and it 's not fair to you . Grace doesn 't deserve to feel this tension between us and it 's just got to stop . " She could feel the weight of his eyes on her and she looked away . " Anyway , " she managed , " that 's what I wanted to say . I 'm actually going to be going out of town for a few days , but I 'll be in touch and I 'm … " Her composure was slipping and the last thing she wanted was for him to see her fall apart . " I 'm just gonna go now . " She headed towards the door , pushing past him but immediately feeling his arm grip her wrist . She jerked away . " Let me go , " she breathed , looking up at him , tears glistening in her eyes . She stopped for a moment as she caught a look in his eye . He stood completely still , his arm wrapped around her wrist . For a moment , she 'd swear neither of them breathed until she felt him pull her close to him . " Before , " he whispered , " We 've been here before . " Her slight gasp was the only answer he needed . His hand shook as he reached up , brushing her hair from her face . " What ? " The one word was the best she could muster . Her heart beat furiously inside her chest , but the rational side of her tried to keep her expectations in check . She swallowed hard , forcing herself to breathe . " Then what ? " Lifting her head a bit , her eyes met his . " Okay ? " She shook her head . " Okay isn 't the word for what I am . I don 't even know a word to describe what I am right now . " He nodded , " It 's like a switch was flipped . I remember this and the cabin , and our non - trip to Montreal , and everything else . I remember all the plans we made , and the dreams we had , how much we loved each other … " His fingertips ran through her hair and he smiled as her eyes fluttered closed . " But those memories aren 't nearly enough , " he whispered , his lips brushing against her cheek . " I don 't just want to remember , " he smiled . " I want to create some new memories and since you said Grace is with the sitter tonight . " He smiled as he stood , wrapping the throw around her and lifting her in his arms . " That means you and I have all night . " Ronan walked slowly beside the window . It was ironic . He 'd only stopped by to see if Billy was really okay with him dating Phyllis . He wanted to make sure he was honest and upfront , but that wouldn 't matter now . Phyllis wasn 't available - maybe she never really had been . He reached into his pocket , pulling out the three plane tickets to Florida . He 'd wanted this to be their chance to see what it would be like - to " test drive " being a family , but Phyllis already had that . He pulled the pen and pad from his pocket and quickly scribbled out a note . He needed to do this before his heart got the better of him . Use these tickets to go on that trip with your family . With all my heart , I wish you all the love and happiness in the world . Love always , Ronan held the tickets for a moment , his heart breaking a bit as he bent down to slide them under the door . She wouldn 't find them until the morning - no doubt they wouldn 't be returning downstairs tonight , but that was alright . They were making up for lost time . He trudged back to his car , slumping into the seat . It was something he 'd told grieving families many times . This broken heart was his own fault for not heeding his own advice . " I know , ok ? I know . " She sighed when she saw him look up at her , confusion in his dark eyes . " I know I should just be grateful that you 're here , that you 're back , that you 're here with me and Grace , but I can 't help it … this anger it just creeps up inside of me and I have nowhere for it to go and I just … " She took a shaky breath . " So there , I said it . Go ahead … " Billy took a seat beside her on the couch . " You know you have a right to feel whatever it is that you 're feeling . I 'm certainly not going to tell you any differently if that 's what you 're thinking . " He heard a burst of air leave her lips and he smiled . " Is that how it used to be ? " " No . " The word left her mouth quickly . She looked up at him , her eyes softening as she saw his face , his eyes hesitant . " No , you were never like that . I just feel like it 's what everyone 's thinking . I 'm not happy enough . I 'm not joyful enough , but this isn 't easy . " She placed her hand on his arm . " It 's not your fault , " she whispered . " It 's just the situation . This whole damn situation and it was just made even more complicated by Ronan and his stupid plan to … " Her voice trailed off as she saw Billy 's head shaking solely . " What ? " He reached into his pocket , pulling out his square photo . " Hear me out , okay ? " He could see the fire already flashing in his eyes and he held up a hand to placate her for a moment . " Look at this . " He handed her the photo and he watched in silence as her eyes widened a bit . She swallowed hard as she stared at the image . Her eyes closed , her head dropped over her sleeping daughter . " Ronan , " she whispered , emotion and questions floating in her voice . Billy nodded . " I get that you 're angry he didn 't tell you the second he knew and I know I 've had a bit longer to come to terms with that than you have , but I 've got to say , I get where the guy was coming from . He didn 't do this to hurt you . He wasn 't trying to keep me away from you . He was trying to keep you from getting hurt . He gave me this picture . He promised to keep in touch . He just wanted to keep you safe … to be there . That 's all . He went about it the wrong way , but he had the right things in his mind . I just think you ought to know that . " Phyllis jumped slightly at the sound of the knock on the door . Billy had left nearly an hour ago and she 'd been frozen in virtually the same spot ever since . She couldn 't get his words out of her mind . Ronan had the right things in his mind . Did that mean he wanted her to give Ronan a chance ? Did he not want to try and make things work between the two of them ? Her heart beat faster as she walked quickly to the door , glancing towards Grace 's room and hoping the knocking wouldn 't wake her yet . She pulled up the door . " Ashley , " she breathed , her voice betraying her surprise . " I didn 't expect to see you today . I 'm sorry , but Grace is actually napping . " Ashley smiled . " I didn 't come here to see Grace , actually . I was wondering if we might be able to talk . I brought lunch . " She held up two bags and forced a smile . Though she and Phyllis had called a truce after Grace 's birth , their interactions were still civil at best . Friendly lunch visits were still quite the stretch . " Uh , sure . . okay . " Phyllis stepped aside , watching with interest as Ashley walked past her . " Don 't take this the wrong way , Ashley , but we don 't eat lunch together and you never stop by to talk to me unless it 's to berate me about something and I 've got to be honest … I 'm really not up for it today . " " Phyllis , I promise . I 'm not here to give you a hard time . I honestly came here to try and make things better . I swear . " She laughed a bit at Phyllis ' narrowed eyes . " Oh , come on ! Would you stop being so suspicious and just get us some plates . " " Alright , " Phyllis sighed , " You 've critiqued every food item here . We 've talked about Grace and Fenmore 's and Jabot . You 've complimented my outfit and even made a few frivolous comments on the weather . At any point are you actually going to get to the point and tell me what you 're actually doing here ? " " No . . not like that , " she interrupted , " I wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help . It 's just . . " She paused , shaking her head as she thought back on how everything had happened between them . " The two of you went through so much to be together and then you had what - a few months of happiness and now … " " I know , " Phyllis took a sip from her glass . " I wanted to believe it would work out . I really did , but he was just here a bit ago and I don 't know if that 's what he wants anymore . " The sound of the words leaving her mouth made them even more real and she felt her eyes burn with the tears . " He was defending Ronan . . trying to get me to understand why he kept the news from me . It was almost like he wanted me to be with him and not … " She couldn 't say it again - couldn 't make herself say the words aloud once more . " Phyllis , " Ashley breathed , " He 's just … he 's trying to help you get through this the only way he knows how right now . You two loved each other . It took me a long time to realize it but once I accepted it , I have to say you were good for my brother . I never saw him as happy as he was when he was with you and when he was gone … Well , it broke my heart to see you like that . I have to believe the two of you can get through this . " " I want that Ashley , I do , but this is like losing him all over again … but it happens every day … in every moment . Every time I look at him and I think I see a flash in him and then it 's not . I don 't know how much longer I can take it . " Ashley reached across the table , lightly touching her hand . " Listen , " she whispered , " Just promise you won 't give up on him yet . He needs you and you need him . You have a beautiful daughter and I have to believe that all this didn 't happen so that it ends like this . " Phyllis nodded , her mind going back to years ago when Billy had promised her their story didn 't end badly . She looked up at Ashley and smiled . " Yeah , " she whispered , " that 's not the way this story ends . " Phyllis smiled , feeling oddly awkward in the moment with him . She stepped further into the kitchen . " No , " she said softly , " not at all - the sitter is gonna be bringing Grace by in a bit , so I was already getting up . I hope you were able to find everything okay . " " Did you sleep alright ? " She smiled weakly as she looked at him . He was wearing the t - shirt and lounge pants she 'd given him . A few weeks after the accident , she 'd gone through most of his clothing , donating what she could to a local homeless shelter , but she 'd kept a few things - things that reminded her of him . A white t - shirt and lounge pants were his staples for a lazy Sunday or any day really if he could convince her to stay home with him . " It 's fine . " She shifted a bit , drawing in a breath . " You don 't have to ask for permission to do anything here … these are as much your things as they are mine … I mean they would be if … " She looked away , feeling uneasy . " I uh . . I was just looking . " He reached over , stacking them back on the shelf . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to overstep . " He heard her shaky sigh and turned to face her , seeing her sitting on the bed , her head in her hands . " Are you alright ? " She shook her head , looking up at him and he could see by the sheen in her eyes that tears were coming . " I just hate that it 's like this , " she whispered . " We were never like this . " " Awkward , apologetic … like we 're walking on eggshells with each other . We could talk about anything . There was no judgment . There was nothing off limits and now … . it 's like we can 't even be in the same room together without it feeling like someone has sucked all the air out . " " Please stop apologizing . It 's not anyone 's fault . I just wish … " Her eyes stared into his for a moment . It still took her breath away and it seemed unbelievable to her that he didn 't feel the same . " I just wish you still felt something for me . " He leaned a bit closer . Her eyes were so earnest , and there was something almost intoxicating about being next to her . He could feel the warmth of her body beside his . " That 'll be the sitter with Grace , " she said , already feeling the lump in her throat . She looked over at Billy . " You ready for this ? " He paced back and forth in front of the couch , wringing his hands in an effort to expel some nervous energy . Hearing the door shut , he felt a wave of nausea come over him . How was he supposed to do this ? How was he supposed to step back into the life of his nearly - five month old daughter ? Phyllis stepped into the room , holding Grace close to her as she looked up at Billy . Tears stung her eyes as she struggled for words . " Grace , " she whispered , smiling as she looked down at her , " We have a visitor . " " She 'll get to know you . Here … take her . " Phyllis eased Grace into his arms and stepped back , taking a deep breath as she took in the moment . Phyllis shook her head , reaching out and taking the baby girl back into her arms . A few whispered words and a practiced shuffle and the baby quieted , burying her face into her mother 's chest . " Billy , " Phyllis whispered , " she 'll learn to love you . It 's just new right now … that 's all . " Billy held the swing still as he watched Phyllis settle Grace into the harness . He 'd missed so much time with his daughter . He didn 't want to miss anymore . Phyllis walked back into the living room , removing the burp cloth from her shoulder . She smiled at Billy as he looked up at her with wide eyes . " Well , you 've had about four hours of Grace - you ready to take over for me ? " " I 'm kidding , " she giggled . " I just meant you seem a bit overwhelmed by all this . " She paused , studying his face . " You don 't have to stay , you know . I know this must be kind of crazy for you . We don 't have to do everything at once . You can see her whenever you want and I 'm not going anywhere . " " Yeah … " He saw the look on her face , the way her eyes shifted slightly as he 'd said the words , " Unless you 've changed your mind . I don 't have to watch it . . " " No . . No . You 're welcome to see it . I just … It 's … " She swallowed , trying to force herself not to feel what she did . She wanted to be strong , to be content with what they had in the moment , but she couldn 't help but wondering what might have been different … . " Forget the video for a minute . " His words were serious as he pulled her back in front of him . " What 's going on ? What aren 't you saying ? You said we could talk about anything , so why are you holding out on me now ? " " Damn , " she hissed under her breath as the tear crept down her cheek . " I just … Watching the videos and looking the pictures and telling the stories … It just reminds me of everything that we lost and when I think about the fact that even one day could have been given back to us because of … . " She took another breath … " Because of Ronan . I 'm just angry . That 's all . I 'm really angry . " " You didn 't have to follow me back , " she said softly as she walked up to the door , " And you certainly didn 't have to walk me to the door . " She turned to face him . It was so strange to be in this position with him . To her , nothing had changed . Time had passed , but the feelings were still there perhaps even stronger than they 'd been before . It would seem so natural to reach up and touch his face , to lean in and softly kiss him … " It 's no problem , really . I just wanted to make sure you got home okay . " He looked at her , her eyes shining up at him . Looking down at her , he couldn 't help but smile . Tears stung her eyes as she heard him say the words , words it had taken her far too long to admit and even longer to finally say . " Yes , " she whispered , " we were very real … you were everything to me and I like to think I was everything to you too . If you hadn 't had the accident , we were going to get married . We 'd talked about it , but you insisted that we couldn 't yet because I would be expecting the proposal and you had to find a way to surprise me . You were always romantic like that . " It was amazing to him to watch her as she talked about him this way . It was as if she was recounting some beautiful movie , but the scenes were actual moments from his life . " Look , " he said softly , hesitating a little , " If uh . . if you 're not doing anything … I know you said Grace is gonna stay with the sitter tonight … maybe you could tell me a little more about the things we did or show me some pictures . " He stopped , the surprise on her face startling him . " Unless you think it 's too soon … I can come back another day … " " No . . No . . not at all . I 'd love it if you 'd come in . Um . . unless you think it 's too soon . " She stopped , turning to face him . " No , we did … I just … I couldn 't stay there after you … well , after the accident . Actually , I left town for a while . I took a job in Chicago and I moved there to try and put some distance between me and the memories . " " Did it work ? " There was something about her , something that drew him . Though she was still very new to him in a way , there was a part of her that felt familiar and comfortable . " No , " she whispered . " Because you were in here . " She placed her hand over her heart . " And everywhere I went , I just took you with me . " She took a breath , sensing the awkwardness of the moment , " And then of course there was Grace , who was in here … " She placed her hand on her now - flat stomach . She stooped down to grab a cloth album . " There 's not a ton of pictures in here , but I do have some videos if you 'd like to see them . This is the baby book I 've been putting together for her . " Phyllis smiled . " A little over five months … it goes by so fast . It 's like you blink and she 's doing all these things that she couldn 't do yesterday . " She stopped herself , realizing how it must feel to him , realizing he 's missed so much . " She 's gonna be crazy about you , " she whispered , touching his arm softly . " I can 't wait for you to meet her . " " Sure , " she nodded , sitting down on the end of the bed beside him . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered . " I 've been so busy thinking about how hard this must be for me that I really haven 't considered how it must feel to you . " " Don 't feel sorry for me , " he said looking up at her . " I survive an accident that , by all rights , should have killed me . I come home and find out I have a beautiful girlfriend and a healthy baby girl . I 've won the lottery . I just feel like you and Grace - you 've drawn the short straw . " " Don 't you say that ! " her words came out quickly as her eyes flashed in anger . The shock on his face jolted her back to reality and she pulled back , calming herself before she spoke again . " Sorry , " she whispered . " I just … I don 't ever want you to feel that I 'm anything but grateful to have you back . Yes , it 's been difficult to know that you don 't remember , but I have to believe that the memories will come back . " " And if they don 't ? " It was the question he 'd wanted to ask since the moment he 'd laid eyes on her , but he 'd been afraid to . Taking advantage of his certain burst of courage seemed to be the only sensible thing to do . " I don 't know , " she admitted . " We 'll figure something out . " She looked at him . " Is there anything else you remember ? Anything at all ? " " That 's the one , " he nodded . " Well , I have this weird , fuzzy memory of being in a room in a house kind of like the ones they have in that show . I can 't see anything . . it 's dark . . and there 's the sound like rain pouring down , but I can 't see the rain . " Phyllis stared at him , her breath catching in her throat . " Anything else ? " She tried not to jump to conclusions , trying desperately not to get her hopes up too high . She smiled through her tears and brushed them away from her face . " That smell was a fire in the fireplace . There was a thunderstorm that knocked out all the power and it was cold so we found an old rocking chair that we used for firewood . " She looked into his eyes as she continued to talk . " It was raining and thundering and the wind was blowing so hard that it blew a tree down that blocked the driveway so we couldn 't leave and that house you 're describing … . that 's the Chancellor mansion … that 's where we lived . That was our home . " Billy nodded slowly . " Wow , " he breathed . " That 's a weird night to remember . . I guess I was hoping for something more meaningful than that . " He stopped speaking as he saw her eyes flash . She leaned in close to him , questioning her choices all the way , but throwing all caution to the wind as she softly pressed her lips to his . " Like that , " she said softly , as she pulled away . " That was the first night you kissed me . " " Sorry . " Billy held up his hands as he approached her slowly . " I didn 't mean to scare you . I just wanted to see if you were okay … the way you ran out of there … " Phyllis shook her head . " The truth ? " She sighed , " No . I 'm not okay and I don 't know why I came here , but it 's where I 've come the last year when I needed clarity or support or to feel closer to him . " She glanced up at him . . " or you . " There was silence for a moment and she laughed a bit , laughing harder as he looked over at her , his eyes widening a bit . " I 'm sorry , " she muttered , " that 's just the most honest thing I 've heard in a while . Yeah , this is definitely weird … I can 't imagine how it would feel to look at your own headstone . Not many people get a chance to do that . " " No . " He smiled as he glanced over at her . " I guess you 're right about that . It 's a small club . Is there video of the funeral ? I 'd like to see that ? " He stopped , hesitating as her face grew serious . " Hey , " he whispered , " I 'm sorry … that was too far . I was just trying to lighten things up . I didn 't mean to . . " " Yeah . I 'd like to see all of that . " Silence settled over them again . He looked at the stone , marveling at the strangeness of seeing his name above a date of death . When he looked back at her , he saw her eyes fixed on his . " What is it ? " he asked softly . " It 's just strange . The past year whenever I wanted to talk to you , I 'd come here and now I 'm here and I 'm actually talking to you , but you … you 're … . " She couldn 't continue , the words too painful to even say . She turned her head , not wanting him to see her cry . He 'd seen enough of that already . Billy sat helplessly , not sure of what to do . He extended his hand , placing it gently on her shoulder , feeling her body tense immediately . Her head turned slowly towards him , her eyes staring into his . " You don 't have to do that , " he said softly . " I 'm sorry that this is hurting you . I don 't know how to make it better . I wish I did , but you don 't have to pretend it 's not difficult for you . I know it is . " She nodded . " I guess it 's just … after you died … " She shook her head , " After we thought you died , I would dream at night about someone coming to me and telling me that it had all been a mistake . I would imagine what it would be like when I would see you again and I held onto that for a long time . I never felt you leave me and then , when I found out I was pregnant , I thought maybe that was why . At first I was terrified . I was afraid that every time I looked at our baby I would be devastated all over again , but then I realized that baby was the only part of you I had left and that as long as that baby was here , a little part of you would always be with me . That 's what kept me going . Grace was the only reason I survived most days . And even though she filled a huge hole inside of me , I still had that dream that you would come back and I could wrap my arms around you and hold you and remember what it felt like to be close to you . And now , the dream has come true , but it isn 't at all like it 's supposed to be … . " He shook his head , a little in awe of how she could put her feelings into words so easily . " I don 't what to say except I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . I wish I remembered . It sounds like we were happy and I wish I could remember everything you 're talking about . I wish I could be the person you 've been waiting for . I can 't make myself remember , but I can do one thing … " He stood , taking her hands in his and pulling her up to stand next to him . He could see the confusion and hesitation in her eyes as she watched him . " Come here , " he said softly as he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him . He could feel her hesitation , her stress , her almost trepidation as she stood tense in his arms , but as he gently coaxed her head to rest against his shoulder , he felt the release . " It 's alright , " he whispered , as he felt her back shake with a sob . " It 's alright . " Her eyes sparkled as she looked at him . " Yes , that 's right . Do you remember that ? You remember that 's the perfume I wear ? " " Not exactly . " He stopped , taking a breath and calming himself . It was one thing to get ahead of himself and get overly excited . It was quite another to get her hopes up and then send them crashing down again . She 'd been through enough . " When I was in the hospital , one of the nurses had this perfume and when I smelled it , I remembered it . I knew I 'd smelled it before . I remembered it and I knew it was important . Do you wear it a lot ? " She smiled up at him , her eyes now brighter than he 'd ever seen them . " Yeah . Actually , it 's a scent that Jack , your brother , developed for me . I wear it all the time . . every day . You used to love it . You remembered it ? " Tears formed in her eyes again and she began to raise her hand to brush them away . " His hand touched her face first , his fingertips slowly brushing away the tear . " I did , " he said softly . " I remembered the perfume and I remembered that I missed it . " " Phyllis ? " Ronan stood at the door , thankful it still remained partially open , but not stupid enough to step inside . " Phyllis , please - can you just give me a minute to try and explain ? " He heard movement inside and stepped back . She stood at the door , tears still streaming down her face . " I don 't know how the hell you think you could possible explain something like this . " " No , " he sighed , " that 's not what I meant … I just . . God , " he slammed his hand into the wall , and looked back at her , tears now filling his own eyes . " It was a horrible thing that I did but I want you to understand that I felt terrible about it . Why do you think I kept pulling away from you ? " " That 's not what I 'm saying . I just mean … it 's not like I didn 't have guilt over this . It was eating me up knowing how much pain you were in , but I just kept thinking about how much pain you 'd be in if he were back here . He doesn 't remember you , Phyllis . He doesn 't remember your life , your relationship , all the memories that you have - the ones that have gotten you through your loss - they don 't exist to him . " He watched as the words hit her and her face crumbled . " I 'm sorry . I don 't want to hurt you , but you aren 't to him what he is to you . I just wanted to spare you that . I didn 't want to watch you lose him again . " Phyllis reached up , wiping her tears from her face . " That isn 't your call . You don 't know how I would feel about this . And what about Grace ? " She gripped her chest as she thought of her daughter . " Ronan , she 's his daughter . Were you really okay with never telling her that her father was alive ? " Ronan shook his head . " Alright , " he whispered . " I 'll find him . I swear to you . I 'll find him and I 'll bring him back to you and then I 'm going to fix this … I don 't know how , but I 'm going to fix this . " Ronan drove slowly , his eyes roaming the streets . This was insane . He couldn 't imagine Billy would be walking down the street in the middle of the night , but he had to do something . He had to try and find him . He owed Phyllis that much . The sound of his phone ringing brought instant relief and he glanced down to see a number he didn 't recognize . Quickly , he brought the phone to his ear . " Hello , " he said anxiously . " Ronan ? " Billy struggled to stay calm . He 'd all but verbally accosted Ashley on the phone even though she 'd sworn Ronan hadn 't given her any more details - only that it was an emergency and that he needed him to call him at this number as soon as possible . " It 's Billy . I got your message . Ashley said it was important . Is something wrong ? " It felt weird to be worried about people you didn 't know , but somehow he felt he should know her and then there was his daughter . Memories or not , he needed to know that she was alright . The familiar pang of guilt welled up inside him again . He hadn 't considered how the message would sound to Billy . " Yeah , Yeah . I 'm sorry about that , man . I didn 't mean to worry you . Everyone 's fine . It 's just … " He paused . " Look , I know you 're probably gonna be a bit pissed at me and it sure as hell wasn 't my place to do it but , Phyllis knows you 're alive . She knows you 're in town . " Billy let out a long breath . " Yeah , " he sighed . " I uh … I saw her in the park this afternoon . I was afraid she might have figured it out . " " Well , to be honest . She was pretty sure she was hallucinating . In fact , she called me over to her place insisting that she was going crazy and I almost managed to convince her she was just grieving , but I just couldn 't do it . She misses you too much . I can 't watch her suffer like this and even if you don 't know her - even if you don 't remember anything about her or your life together , it will mean something to her to just see you , to know you 're alive , to know you 're alright . " " She wants to see me ? " Billy took a seat on the edge of the small bed . In his mind , he 'd expected this would come eventually , but never this soon . " Yeah , she does . I 'd like to come pick you up from wherever you are and bring you to her place . Can we do that ? " Ronan waited , hearing nothing on the end of the line . " Billy ? " he repeated . " I don 't know , " Billy admitted . " There 's not exactly a game plan for this . I don 't know what to say to her . " He looked up at Ronan . " I don 't want to hurt her . " Suddenly the door swung open and Phyllis stood in the doorway . " Ronan , " she whispered , " I thought I heard your voice . Listen , I was thinking about this … maybe it 's too soon . . maybe Billy would rather come in his own time . Maybe he doesn 't want to see me or … " She stopped talking , realizing for the first time that Ronan hadn 't said and word and instead simply stared at her . " What 's wrong ? " she said quietly . " Here you go . " She took the glass of water and struggled to hold it in her trembling hands . " I 'm sorry , " she whispered , forcing herself to look away . " I know you must think I 'm insane . I 'm just staring at you , but … " Her voice broke . " God , Billy , you have no idea how much I 've missed you . " She stepped closer to him , her hand reaching up to touch his face but , after catching the look in his eye , drawing back . " I 'm sorry , " she said again , tears again streaking down her cheeks . " Ronan told me that you don 't remember . I don 't mean to push . " " It 's okay . " Billy forced a smile as he looked at her . " I 'd really like to remember . I want to remember . I just … " Phyllis looked down at her dress , smoothing the front of it before looking back up at him . " This was your favorite , " she said quietly . " You said it brought out the color of my eyes . " Her voice shook as she said the words , desperate to see some flicker of recognition on his face but instead seeing a blank stare intertwined with basic compassion . He felt sorry for her , just as he 'd feel for anyone else . " I 'm sorry , " he whispered . " I really am . It 's a beautiful dress . You have beautiful eyes . You 're beautiful . I just … . I don 't … . . " He stopped talking , his eyes falling on a picture that sat behind her . " Is that ? " He walked over , pointing to a framed photo . He picked it up , holding it close to him . " Grace , right ? " She closed her eyes , trying uselessly not to cry . " Yes , " she managed , sighing in frustration as she felt fresh tears escape . " That 's your daughter . That 's Grace . " " No . She 's … she 's actually with the sitter tonight . You can meet her tomorrow . You 'll love her . She looks so much like you . Remember how you used to say that you hoped … " She stopped , realizing that he remembered noting of their time together . Every memory , every touch , every word he 'd ever said to her was now a completely one - sided story that he might never again share with her . Her heart broke as she looked up at him . To her , he was the man she loved with all her heart . To him , she was a stranger . " I 'm sorry , but I can 't … I can 't stay here , " she whispered . She grabbed her coat , throwing it on as she headed towards the door . Gripping her purse in her hands she headed out the door . " I don 't know what to do , " Billy said quietly . " I hate doing this to her . She wants me to remember so badly and I just don 't . I can 't . " " I know one thing , " Ronan said sternly . " You need to go after her . You might not remember her , but I 'll tell you from experience … that 's not a woman you let walk out of your life . " |
I 've been really sick all week . It 's pretty gross . As a result I haven 't been keeping up with stuff like I should . I 've also been forgetting stuff a lot lately . There is just only so much that I can fit into my head before some starts falling out . I talked to Dad 's Nurse Practitioner about a week ago and she was concerned when I told her about his rapid decline . She had a few ideas about what may cause this and said she will get him scheduled for a CAT Scan soon to explore the options . He hasn 't had any noticeable changes since he moved , and I 'm still happy with the staff and care he 's receiving . In other news , I still haven 't finished Dawson 's Creek , but I 'm almost there . These last two seasons are incredibly painful and I can completely understand why I stopped watching the show . I 've spent the last week reading Ender 's Game , which is probably only the second or third book I 've read this year as embarrassing as that is . ( Not counting audio books , those are much faster and require less concentration ) I 've had a problem for awhile now sitting still and doing just one thing , which makes reading a real book difficult . This book is came as a request to join my friend Karin in a book club . The plan is to get a group of us together and discuss the book and release it as a podcast . In mental health news , my doctor convinced me that I really should be on some type of anti - depressant . Apparently crying at work several times a week is not ideal and I should not put myself through that . Neither is having disturbing nightmares that give you panic attacks . Huh . Who knew ? So this mental patient has started taking Prozac . Why do they have to give me all the drugs that I 've heard bad things about ? I guess they wouldn 't be popular if a lot of people hadn 't used them with some success . So far the first day was the only time I had bad sad effects . It seems to be okay as long as I take it with food . I 've even gone up to the real dose already and it was a smooth transition . I suppose only time will tell how this will work , but we are off to a much better start than the last one . Collin was with me when I was shopping and bought deodorant for Timothy . For some reason he wanted to see what it smelled like , so he opened it up and sniffed and said , " Aargh ! It smells like arm pit ! " The trip to the hospital was on June 4 . I forgot to mention that this was the day before I was scheduled to go back to work so I had a required doctor 's appointment that day because I had to be cleared to go back . My plan had been to go visit Dad for a bit then stop to get some lunch before go to the doctor . Luckily I left early . I ended up having to race home to get my Dad stuff ( notebook with info and recent notes , Medicare / Medicaid cards , ID card and my Medical Power of Attorney form ) and try to beat the ambulance to the hospital . I only had an hour before I had to leave to make it to my appointment and I didn 't want to leave Dad . Thankfully my awesome cousins were able to come sit with Dad for a little while . I 'll just let you imagine how my appointment went when my doctor asks me if I feel I 'm ready to return to work . Also , during the previous 24 hours I had been the sickest to date ( So sorry , Sa , ) and I was really not well . I told the doctor I may as well go on back because I couldn 't imagine when all this would become more manageable . Going back to work sucked lemons . Not only did I have to seriously have to cut back on watching Dawson 's Creek on Netflix , but I also had to talk to people . Gross ! It was weird trying to figure out how to respond when people asked how I was doing . I ended up going with , " Well , I 'm here . " I figured most of them were probably happier not knowing how I was really doing . I spent a good chunk of my first couple of weeks back just crying at my desk and hoping no one would notice . One of my sweet friends who sits close to me would check on me frequently and prayed over me when it looked like I needed it . There are some people that you just know God puts in your life for a reason and she is one of those for me . I had been trying for a couple of weeks to get the nursing home to set up an appointment for me to meet with Dad 's doctor . Funny enough this is the same doctor he had at the first nursing home , but this is NOT a good thing . This doctor had refused to fill out paperwork for me to apply for FMLA to have time off work when I needed to do something for Dad . He had also flat - out refused to speak with me over the phone . I mean he was in the same room when I was talking to the secretary and just would not take the phone . Ass . So it was really no surprise that he didn 't want to set up an appointment with me now . The nursing home compromised by setting up a care plan meeting where I get to talk to his nurses and physical therapist and social worker and the nutritionist . Pretty much everyone but the doctor . They also decided to move Dad out of the locked unit because some genius figured out that if he can 't walk anymore his odds of escaping have been drastically reduced . So they made another mess of his belongings and piled stuff all over the place . Seriously , is it too much to ask to hang the pictures back up on the wall so he can have something familiar to look at ? Apparently . At the care plan meeting the nurse was flipping through his daily charts and trying to tell me how well he was doing . She casually mentioned that on June 6 it was noted that they suspected he had a urinary infection and the doctor had ordered lab tests to confirm . I was making a list of all the meds he was on so I asked which antibiotic he was put on and she checked and said there wasn 't one . So she went to check the lab tests to see if maybe they were negative , but they weren 't even there . They never did the test . Mind you , this meeting was on June 13 , a week later . What the hell ? I marched back into the Director 's office and yelled a bit . He took me to the Director of Nurses and I yelled some more . ( I may have mentioned that I would like to see how they would feel after having an untreated urinary infection for over a week . ) The DON tried to wiggle out of it by saying that he most likely doesn 't have an infection because he isn 't running a fever . No , the doctor ordered the test so it doesn 't matter if he has the infection or not you are required to follow the order . Try again . Next she said that they would have caught the infection when they did his blood work up . No , that was done on May 28 and this possible infection was documented on June 6 . Try again . Well the hospital would have found the infection when they examined him . No , that was June 4 , this was documented on June 6 . Care for another try ? Finally I just got " This was an error and our part and we are sorry . " I told them to put him on antibiotics ASAP and that I would call back to check on the lab results the next day . It came back positive for the infection , and before you ask , yes , I have reported this incident to the state and they are investigating it . When I went back to visit at the weekend , I found Dad with the nastiest case of pink - eye you can imagine . I asked the nurses what they were doing to treat his eye and the response I got was " What 's wrong with his eye ? " Seriously . I also found his denture case buried in the back of a drawer from whereI had discussed the list of Dad 's meds with some nursing family and friends . The consensus was that one particular medication was probably causing problems so I requested to stop that one . It 's a 10 day process to come off of that med so we wouldn 't be able to tell right away . Dad was getting so much worse . He didn 't remember my brother who he had seen only a few weeks before . He didn 't remember being married to my mom for 40 years . He didn 't remember my boys . It was pretty much just me . He always remembered me and was happy to see me . The following week I started calling around again . I needed to get him out of this place . I tried to explain to some of the places that had turned us down before how his condition had declined so rapidly . They seemed to feel sorry for me , but they still said they couldn 't take him because his past behaviors made him too much of a risk . Even though he can no longer get out of bed or even go to the bathroom on his own . Again , seriously . I finally called this special Alzheimer 's care facility that is 45 minutes away . A co - worker highly recommended it after her mother stayed there . I figured that even if I didn 't get to see him as often , and even if that meant he would forget me sooner , it was the best option if he was well taken care of . They sent someone over to evaluate Dad . ( This is happening at the same time as that whole deposition thing . whee . ) This is when the nursing home learns that I 'm trying to find another place for him . Believe me , I have expressed my unhappiness with his care several times by now . After waiting the obligatory 3 days , which of course fell over a weekend making it longer , Monday I heard back and they said sorry but no . For all the same reasons and the other places . If an Alzheimer 's specialty facility can 't deal with old people acting out , especially when said person is now helpless , then what hope is there for the world ? Tuesday , I get a call from the nursing home saying they are worried about Dad 's weight loss . I had noticed he was thinner . He is a big gIt does not pass my notice that this arrangement was probably made to keep the Director out of hot water . He most likely heard of my complaint to the state and didn 't want Dad to get any worse on his watch . I don 't care what the reason , I 'm just glad it happened . Thursday , my kind bosses let me take time off to spend hours filling out paperwork for admissions . Then I had to go pack up his stuff and rush to my dentist appointment then back to the new place to unpack . I swear I should just not even try to make appointments for myself because they just get in the way . Friday , I went to visit after work and for the first time my Daddy didn 't recognize me . He thought I was a nurse . I know he was confused because of the move and everything was new and different . There had been times before when he couldn 't remember my name , but he always knew I was his daughter . Never one of the nurses . I don 't think he noticed me crying as I helped him with his dinner . After a while I told him I was his daughter , he accepted that even though it was a new concept for him at that moment . I asked him if he remembered how much I loved him and he spread his arms wide open . At least I 'm in there somewhere . Sunday was much better . He knew me right away and he knew my name and even asked about the boys and remembered their names too . He said he liked his new place except for one thing , there were some bad people . What bad people ? They were called Democrats , and they were trying to push out the good people that are called Republicans . ( I 'm honestly not trying to be political , but this cracked me up ! It would have had the same effect if the goodies and the baddies were reversed , I don 't care . ) I will take a bat - shit crazy Daddy that knows who I am over a nice sweet old man that thinks I 'm a stranger any day ! The bat - shit part doesn 't bother me at all actually . I have kids , I know how to play pretend . I saw him again today and he was still doing well . He told me to say hi to my husband and the boys . He also told me that there was a train wreck and he was sad because he thinks someone may have died . I 'm not sure , but I think he thinks the wheelchairs are little trains . He also pointed out the North and South sides of the building to me and he was really pointing the correct directions . There are plenty of adults that don 't know their directions ( I would be one if I wasn 't married to a land surveyor ) but for a recently displaced Alzheimer 's patient to get them correct was impressive to me . He seems happy and stable for now . The staff seems caring and attentive , so I 'm happy so far . I 'm supposed to talk to his doctor on Friday to discuss his treatment and I guess we will go from there . Now is the part where I send you a cyber cookie if you 've actually read this whole story . I hope to keep this blog very much more updated from now on so that I can just direct people here and I can stop telling the story so many times . Good luck to me ! By Monday I had decided that I really needed some help . I spent a good part of my work day researching company policy on leave of absence and short term disability coverage . I also informed my brother that I needed Going to shrink for the first time is a strange thing , or at least it was for me . I felt like people might be watching me or judging me in the waiting room . ( I would never think less of someone that was seeing a mental health doctor , this is purely my own self - consciousness attacking myself . In fact , my doctor would probably know the clinical term for that . ) There I was wondering if I should even be there . Was he going to just laugh me out of the office ? And how do I even start to explain everything that has been going on ? I filled out a little paperwork and then when it was my turn and the nice doctor asked me what was going on I burst out bawling in his office . Even though I believe this helped my case , it was not intentional . I told him about Dad and that I thought I needed some time off work . When he asked how long I said 2 to 3 weeks and he went with 3 . Then I was handed another , much larger , stack of paperwork to fill out and sent back to the waiting room . After I left the office I sat in my car for about 30 minutes calling in to set up my leave of absence . They really make it difficult to take time off for mental health . It probably would have been easier to break my leg or something . Then I left and had to go over to the lab and get blood drawn . I suppose they want to know if there is a biological reason a person is crazy or if it really is all in their head . My tests all came back normal . That would make me a , uh , normal crazy person ? My official diagnosis was high anxiety and stress . I think the doctor over - compensated by placing me on an anti - depressant , sleeping pills , and Xanax for anxiety . I never took the sleeping pills because I 'm scared that I won 't wake up if I take those , but I started the other two . I broke both of them in half because I was also scared of the Xanax as I 'm sure we have all heard the bad addiction stories about those . The anti - depressant ended up just making me sick as hell for the entire three and a half weeks I was taking it . I tried it at different times of day and different doses , but it didn 't help . I was sick to my stomach and knocked out exhausted for most of those 3 weeks I was off work . I 'm telling you , I know how to party ! The Xanax seemed to be helpful though . I mentioned to the therapist ( that I was also required to see to be off work ) that I was still not able to sleep through the night because I would wake up with horrible chest pains and not able to breathe . I learned that I was having panic attacks in my sleep as well as the ones I already knew about when I was awake . As of now , I 'm still not able to sleep through the night without a Xanax before bed . But even that doesn 't help me to not be scared of sleeping . I stay awake until I literally can 't anymore almost every night . I have horrible dreams that I won 't even tell you about because they are so disturbing . Except for that one I had a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with LeVar Burton , he was lovely . : - ) Meanwhile , Brother came out to help me which I am really grateful for . We went to see Dad at the hospital a couple times . He didn 't recognize Brother at first , which was really sad to see . He was still really out of it . After a bit he understood that his son was there and he was really happy to see him . Dad was still too messed up from the drug reactions to seem to care where he was , but he was happy too see us each day when we went to visit . After about 6 days the hospital was ready to release Dad , but we still had not been able to find a facility that would accept him due to his behavior issues from the first nursing home . The hospital tried to tell me that I was required to come pick him up and keep him in my care because I was the one that dropped him off there . A quick call to Adult Protective Services fixed them up on that option . APS informed them that they are required to find a suitable facility for him . Between myself , Brother and the social worker at the hospital I estimate that we called at least 30 nursing homes that all turned him down . Some because they were full , but mostly due to his records . There was a commitment hearing set up for the following Monday that would require Dad to go to court and if a suitable home had not been found he would be left in state custody and most likely be sent to a state hospital several hours away from me . Finally we found a place that would take him and he was moved on Friday evening . We were very grateful that he would still be close by , but man oh man , this place was ghetto ! It is an older facility that had not been well cared for , it was not clean and the people , with few exceptions , were horrible . Brother helped me get all his stuff moved in and set up for him , but sadly for me , he had to fly away back home to his own life . I tried really hard to be open - minded about the place and the staff . The director seemed nice at least . He gave me his cell number and told me to call anytime . I was worried after a week when I would call and ask about my Dad and the employees would respond with " Who is that ? " Not long after he got there , I went to visit him one morning . I received a phone call that evening saying that they found Dad in the parking lot ( This place allows residents outside whenever they want . ) and he was trying to go in the street . He told the nurses that he was looking for me . Apparently he thought I was still there from earlier . They documented this as an escape attempt and moved him to the secured locked wing of the facility . This is where the really special people go , and I feel so sad for them . People are screaming all the time , I saw a guy peeing in the sink because he didn 't want to go to the bathroom , and others just asked me for money every time they saw me . Dad told me he really didn 't like it there and wanted me to take him home . Yeah , that sucked . When they moved Dad to the locked unit someone had the bright idea to put all his clothes into a large trash bag and leave it on the floor of his room . I complained for 4 days before I finally just put them away myself . The second time I called , the director of nursing actually told me that she had a busy job and just forgot that I had called before . But , it 's okay because they were really sorry about it afterwards . Shortly after he was moved he started to get more depressed and just wanted to sleep all the time . The day before I had to go back to work I went to visit and Dad told me that he hurt all over and couldn 't get out of bed and thought he should go to the hospital . I informed the nurses who then in turn informed me that he had not been out of bed at all for 3 days ! I asked if he could get some pain meds , but they thought it was a better idea just to send him to the ER . He was checked at the ER for blood clots in his legs and they discovered that he did have some arthritis in his knees , so they gave him pain meds and he was suddenly fine . Maybe I should be a doctor ! After this episode , he has not been able to walk again on his own . Please stay tuned for part 3 and hopefully the conclusion of the getting caught up stuff . I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments you have left me . I really appreciate all the support I 've received from you all . I feel bad that every time I post something I just get a flood of sympathy messages . I feel bad that I make you all feel bad . I wish I had more good news to share . Let 's get everyone caught up , shall we ? Dad moved into the nursing home on January 6th this year . The social worker there was pretty much a bitch from the start . She tried to come up with all kinds of excuses why he shouldn 't be there . For example , they had him wear a plastic bracelet that would set off an alarm if he walked out the door , but they also had little outings to Wal - Mart where the residents were able to purchase anything they wanted . When my dad bought himself a pair of scissors to help him open his mail they accused him of intending to cut off his bracelet so that he could make a run for it . There were some really great nurses there , especially one named Linda , that I will always be grateful for because they really cared about him and did their best to take care of him and make his transition easier . Unfortunately , he did struggle with losing his independence . He had a lot of anger about not being able to do all the things he wanted to do . He constantly asked me to find him an apartment and I explained over and over why he shouldn 't live on his own . Then he met a female resident who also has dementia and they got very attached to each other and then I had to start explaining over and over again why they were not able to get married . It seemed for weeks and weeks every time I saw him the first things he would say to me were , " Did you find me an apartment yet ? " and " We need you to drive us to the court house to get married . " It was exhausting and depressing . He was very demanding and called at all hours asking me to bring things to him , but it was nice because he was only two miles from me and close enough that I was able to go visit during my lunch break several times a week . I knew that the nursing home wanted him to leave because they continued to manufacture offenses that they claimed he had committed and unfortunately for us all they also documented these offenses . I really don 't know how much is true , but I was told that he made inappropriate comments and gestures towards employees and residents , that he was aggressive and combative , and that he had plotted and attempted to escape . In light of all this , I was looking for a new home for him , but to the bafflement of the nursing home , because of everything they had documented against my Dad no other homes would take him . First , I had no idea that a person could be turned down from a nursing home . Second , that is what old people do : they get crazy and act inappropriately . Third , what ever happened to taking care of people ? Isn 't that what they are there for ? After a couple of months and being turned down by at least 3 homes , I got THE PHONE CALL . It was on May 10th and the social worker calls me at work to tell me that they have been granted a mental health warrant and that the Sheriff is on his way to pick up my father and take him to a psychiatric hospital on the grounds that he is simply out of control and they are not able to deal with him anymore . Have I mentioned that this woman is Delores Umbridge ? Every word that comes from her mouth is sticky sweet like she 's your best friend , but she 's actually the most evil Death Eater that has ever lived . So she tells me she just wonders if I would like to come pack some things for him or if I 'd rather , she 'd be happy to arrange that for me . Excuse me ? ! I have questions ! What the hell is a mental health warrant ? Why is a law enforcement officer involved ? What are they going to do for him at a psychiatric hospital ? Which hospital are they taking him to ? Yeah , she can 't answer ANY of these because she 's a moron that doesn 't know how to do her job ! They only question she can answer is when are they coming to get him ? That would be between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 . Oh . Okay . I see . That 's why you waiteI decided that there was no way anyone was going to put my Daddy into the back of a police car when he was guilty of nothing more than being old and slightly crazy . So I rushed over from work . I think there were a few panicked phone calls to my brother mixed in there somewhere . It 's a bit blurry . I ran into the nursing home and went to his room and grabbed some clothes and personal items , then I went and found him in the dining room . I grabbed his hand and told him we were leaving and that he needed to walk with me right now and fast ! We walked past the social worker and other administrative staff , one of whom even tried to run after us . I put him in the car and drove off . That 's about the point when the adrenaline gave way to panic . Was I going to get arrested ? Did we need to go into hiding ? Does this count as harboring a fugitive ? I went to our house and sat Dad on the couch with a magazine and started making phone calls . In the next 30 minutes I made about 20 calls trying to figure out what to do . On the advice of my awesome cousin , I called the police department to inform them of what happened and where we were . Turns out , they didn 't care . Dude I talked to didn 't know what a mental health warrant was either . ( I still don 't understand so google if you 're interested . ) Dad got to spend some time outside in the backyard watching the boys play while I was calling everyone under the sun . ( Magazines get boring . ) They all enjoyed that time together and now I 'm grateful for those few minutes . At the time I was just happy to have them all distracted so I could talk to people . I called the hospital that Dad was supposed to be transferred to and got a bit more information . They were planning to evaluate his medications and make adjustments to improve his behavior issues . They seemed like good people and a nice facility so in the end I decided to take him over there myself . I didn 't know it at the time , but that day may have been the last day of clarity I got to have with my Daddy . He noticed I was crying as we drove oveMy amazing husband had once again been called upon to take care of dinner and baths and bedtime for the boys on his own ( no easy task ) and would have been well - within his rights to be grumpy about the situation . Instead , he tells me that he needs my help in the kitchen as soon as I walk in the door . I go in to see him standing with ice cream scoop in hand and a sheepish look on his face . He then informs me that he has accidentally ripped the bottom of the half - full half gallon container and we are now obligated to eat the rest because we can 't store it as it will leak out of the bottom . Ice cream for dinner after a day like that ? There is no other option . I wasn 't able to go see Dad the next night after work because there was a big storm predicted and this place has a very strict one hour window for visiting . The next day , I missed Timothy 's grandmother 's 90th birthday to make that one hour visit . Dad seemed so confused and out of it when I saw him . He was not himself at all . The nurses told me it was a reaction to the medications . Apparently the nursing home had Dad on 9 different medications trying to control his behaviors and the hospital was bringing him off of those and trying to get him down to just one . That would screw anyone up . |
Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " What am I doing here ? " A young man muttered to himself . His name was Adam , and he had just been forced to come with his father to one of his many factories . Since he one day would have to take over his father 's work it was important that even he checked around so that everything was in order . But that didn 't mean he had to like it . He actually despised it quite a lot . But there were worse things in the world . Like Victoria , his fiance . If he hadn 't walked around the factories , pretending that he cared , then he would have to stand her nagging instead while pretending that he cared . That was a fate worse than death . " I must go and take care of some paper work , I 'll be right back . Why don 't you go and talk to Mister Remier over there , he could explain how things works around here . " His father proposed before leaving Adam . " Pff , as if I would do something that boring . " He said to himself before walking off around the factory . Maybe he could find something interesting instead . Adam was a very lively guy , he liked to always be on the move and he couldn 't stay still for very long . Money didn 't interest him , but his freedom did . # 1 The weather outside was the middle of winter , but inside the factory you could never tell . The heat from the machines and the noises within it were keeping the area hot and the workers miserable . Young Elizabeth , a worker in the factory going on nine months now , was one of those people . Her dark hair had been pulled back into a bu , but strands had fallen throughout the day and were sticking to her sweaty neck . Her fingers were raw from the constant twisting of the sting against the spinning machine . Yes , it was just another long day within the factory . The owner was up in his office along with a few other men she hadn 't quiet noticed before . Probably new supervisors , She thought to herself as the one started down the stairs to the rest of them . The orders from the current boss could be heard barking at the young children as they ran through the factory trying to get the baskets to each other women . Elizabeth watched as a young girl , no older than ten placed another basket of sting to be spin by the machine . Her brown eyes looked down at the basket . She was not going to be out of here by supper . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) The factory was just as Adam had thought it would be . Boring . People working all day , no one that actually had time to entertain him by going out for a bit in the winter cold . It was snowing outside , he wondered if the workers knew that . They might have gotten into the factory after it had started . He felt a bit sorry for them , having to work so hard while he just inherited money from his family . Well , life was unfair and he weren 't going to give up his inheritance just because of that . Kids ran around the factory with things for the ladies . It disgusted him a bit that such young children had to work like that . They should be out and have fun , not be working . But that wasn 't how society worked , and if he shared those believes with others then they would just laugh at him . Suddenly he heard someone screaming and he turned his head . One of the people that kept an eye on the workers had gotten irritated on a child that apparently had worked too slowly . What was that ? A penal institution ? A prison ? Adam walked up to the man and just as he reached him the man had rose his hand to hit the kid . Adam stopped his hand before it got even close . " Is this how you treat my fathers employees ? If you can 't even handle a child then you should get the hell out of here . " He told the man with a threatening voice before letting go of the man 's hand . The man was pale white from the moment Adam had said father 's employees . Though he was probably the only one that had actually heard those words since Adam spoke too silently for the people around them to hear . He didn 't care what they thought he were , but he rather not be seen as the son to the factory owner . " You okay ? " He asked the kid as he went down on his knees to get to the child 's height . The child nodded . " Good , get back to work now , okay ? " His voice was warm and comforting , just like his mothers had been when she had spoken to him as a child . The kid nodded and ran off . Elizabeth listened as the man yelled at the child who had just dropped off her own basket . Her eyes glanced at the child and the man while working with the thread , not paying attention to really what she was doing . She watched as the younger man from above had stepped between the child and older man . She couldn 't understand what was being said , but before too long the child came running back towards Elizabeth and grabbed another basket . The kid didn 't seem hurt and seemed as if everything was okay . Whatever the man had said it had her boss wondering around a lot more careful looking . " Ow ! What the . . . " She looked down at her hand noticed the blood coming from the top of the finger . She had cut her finger once again on the thread once again . She put her finger in her mouth for a second to stop the bleeding . There was no aid for injuries . You just suck it up and take it with you . She wiped the rest of the blood on the edge of her dress and bent down to grab some more thread . She listened to the sound of boots coming down the concert floor and she quickly stood up and started to put more thread on the machine . The blood still coming up at the top of her finger . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Adam noticed that some people looked a bit curiously at him after he had helped the kid , some even whispered to each other as if it was big news that someone actually helped a fellow human . What was all that fuss about ? Wasn 't it just common sense not to hit a child ? He started to walk around again , pretending that he actually was interested in what happened around there . But actually he just waited for his father so he could say that he had learned a lot and was ready to get home . But his father was far from done , when he said soon it could take up to an hour . He was worse than Adam 's mother when it came to time . Soon for Adam was max five minutes , his mother was max thirty minutes and his father . Well , once it had taken a day before he had actually done what he said would be done soon . He spaced out for a moment , lost in his own thoughts . Once he woke up from his thoughts he noticed a woman , she seemed to be quite young . As she hurried to get on more thread on the machine blood was coming out of her finger . Wasn 't she going to take care of that ? He walked up to the woman once he had looked around and figured no one else was going to ask . " Shouldn 't you put on some band aid on that wound ? It seems to bleed a lot . " He said concerned as he stood just beside her . Elizabeth quickly looked up at the sound of the man 's voice . It was the one that had helped the kid . His comment about her finger puzzled her . She looked at him and then at the finger again . It wasn 't bleeding quiet that much . She had been through and had much worse done . The politeness and almost caring features about him seemed as if he had not been in a factory setting at all . He did not know that the workers were not taken care of as they should have been and ninety percent of the time they were just left to do the work no matter what happened to them . Especially the children . Small finger cuts were not a the top of the list for the employer . Even children that were killed trying to get the broken down machines running again were not on the high end of the list . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " Is it that obvious ? " He asked a bit jokingly . It was kind of obvious that he didn 't work there because of his clothes , and the way he acted made it even more obvious that he weren 't used to how things worked in the factories . A rich spoiled brat as him would probably never understand the lives of those around him , and it wasn 't like he tried to understand . But he weren 't heartless and turned away if he saw something wrong happen in front of his eyes . His father was the complete opposite of him , or maybe he was an opposite of his father . Adam took up a handkerchief from his pocket and ripped off a long slim piece of it . " Here give me your hand . " He said at the same time he took her hand and started to put the piece over her finger and then made a little knot so it would sit in place . " There you go , make sure to wash it later . You wouldn 't want your finger to get infected . " He said with a bright smile and also a bit of a warning in his voice . " Yes , it is that obvious , " She laughed looking at him for a second . Her hands kept working the thread , trying to finish as quickly as she could . her stomach was in pain from hunger as it growled just a bit . She watched as the last roll of thread was placed onto the machine and starting to be spun around . The sweat on her brow had start to dry a bit as the wind crept in from outside . Her eyes went back towards him as he took the slim piece of handkerchief and started to wrap her finger before she could object . She felt the material stick to the finger and allow for the bleeding to stop . " Um , thank you , " She said looking at the finger that was now wrapped up . " I will , I , ah , wouldn 't want to lose my job over a finger . " Her voice was half joking and half serious as she started to placed the finished thread into the basket . body bent down to grab the work of the day . A whistle blew over the factory as the big boss came out of his office yelling down at the young ladies . Elizabeth looked form the machine and young man and up at the boss . She was hoping it was time to go . Seriously doubted , but she could dream . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Adam chuckled a bit at her comment , not even realizing that it could have been serious . He simply wasn 't used to such a way of living and didn 't know the hard work they had to go through everyday . Then he saw his father walking down the stairs . His father was a very strict man , and he didn 't want to get into trouble for talking so freely with someone that tried to work . He didn 't really know if he 's father would care about the differences in status between him and the girl , but at least he would care that Adam disturbed the workers . " I need to leave now , see you soon . " He said and hurried away without any explanation to what he meant with see you soon . He simply were going to tell his father that he had someone he had to meet in town , which wasn 't really a lie , and that he could send someone to pick him up in the outskirt of town later that evening . His father didn 't complain about that explanation , mostly since he didn 't know that Adam were going to wait for the girl to be done with her work and then try to talk with her again . So he waited outside , in the snowy landscape . He didn 't dislike the cold , nor the snow . He actually loved it . He missed the time when he and his sister used to throw snowballs at each other as kids . Now she were too much of a lady to do that sort of things . Elizabeth watched him hurry away and she mumbled a small goodbye . The rest of work day seemed to go by rather slowly . Her stomach continued to ache as she started towards the back of the factory to drop off the rest of her finished thread . Her body was still covered in sweat and dust as she went to clock out for the day after the final whistle had rung . As she clocked out and grabbed jacket she could not help but think of the young man that had talked to her earlier . He was polite and seemed to actually care about the people around her . It was too abnormal . Nobody cared about the little workers like that . Maybe he was one of those guys they hired to make sure people were doing their work and a report was turned into the boss and whoever was not working was fired . Who 's to say ? The icy wind hit Elizabeth 's sweaty body suddenly as she stepped outside for the first time that day . Snow had already covered most of the roads and the wind was whipping through you like a sudden sting of a bee . She wrapped her coat around her tighter and started towards her home . It was pretty much dark outside already as she turned the corner towards the slums of the city . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " Hey there . " Adam said as fast as he saw the woman from before rounding the corner . His smile was wide and bright , as a child that just had gotten candy . " Done with work now ? " He asked , even though he was certain that the answer was yes . As he asked he leaned away from the wall that had supported his back for a while . He wasn 't certain why he had spoken to her , it was mostly just helping a random person and then deciding that he wanted to know more about her . He didn 't know anyone outside his family or the rich society , and he thought that getting to know someone that works for his father might be a good idea . Then if he really needed to take over after his father then he knew what was bad and what was good from the workers perspective . It was also because he was bored to death by the people in the higher society . Everyone forgot how to have fun way too early . Maybe he could find someone interesting outside the walls of riches . Elizabeth kept walking with her head down . Her arms were crossed over her chest and the sudden , familiar voice caught her off guard . She looked over at the wall and noticed the man from earlier standing before her . He was leaning against the wall almost eying her up and down . Of course , all the people from higher society did that to people of her ranking in society . Her family had always been at the bottom and it was not getting any better anytime soon . So , what this man was so fascinated by in her , she hadn 't had a clue . " Um , yes , " She answered to his question , " Done until tomorrow anyways . What about yourself ? " She had done stopped her walking and was standing at the other end of the sidewalk right across from him . Her skirt moved with the wind slightly as she looked at the young man . She hadn 't gotten a good look at him and had to admit , he wasn 't bad looking . " So , tell me ? What were you doing at the factory ? I 've never seen you before , if you don 't mind me asking . " Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Adam got a bit happy when she didn 't try to tell him that she was in a hurry and didn 't have time to talk . Any normal person would probably do that if a stranger had waited for them in the dark . " Hmm . . What did I do there ? " He asked and looked up at the sky as if he really had to think about it . " I helped a little boy and I wrapped a beautiful girls finger . " He then said with a boyish smile and a laugh in his voice . " But in all seriousness , my dad thought that I should see his workplace so I simply went with him . " He then confessed , but didn 't give any hints about who his father was , though anyone would know that it was someone high in the hierarchy in the factory because of his clothes . " I guess I have acted a bit rude , we don 't even know each others names . " He then said with an apologetic voice . " I 'm Adam . Would you mind giving me your name beautiful lady ? " Elizabeth let out a little laugh as he spoke of her finger . " Well , why thank you for your compliment , " She spoke listening to him . Her eyes looking at his when he spoke of her father . He had to have been on the big guys . He just had to be . His clothing was too nice for him to actually be working inside the factory . She let out a small swallow when she thought of the possibility that he could be the owners son . She looked down for a second when he spoke of knowing each others name . She really shouldn 't have been speaking with someone on the opposite end of the society chain . Not that it was illegal , but the fact that it was simply not done . " It 's , um , Elizabeth , but most people who know me call me Lizzy , " She spoke her voice slightly harsh as she tried to clear her throat a bit . She had to admit for herself now that yes , she was nervous . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) It puzzled Adam a bit when Elizabeth 's voice suddenly changed a bit , was she nervous ? Maybe she had understood that his father was the owner of the factory . Even if she didn 't she was nervous over something . He should do something to make her calm down a bit and feel at ease in front of him . Even if this would be the only day they would actually speak to each other he still didn 't want to leave with her having a bad impression of him . " Hmm . . . Well then Lizzy , would you give me the honor of taking you out for dinner before we depart ? " He asked with a soft voice , trying not to make her even more nervous . " If you aren 't in a hurry of course . " She looked at him and her jaw nearly hit the ground . How can he possibly be asking that ? Did his parents never teach him the way the world worked ? Maybe he just didn 't care . She looked at him and then down at her dirty dress . It would be nice to have a decent meal that she did not have to share with twenty other people . Her mother would be worried but she would be okay wouldn 't she ? " Um . . . a . . . um . . . nice dinner would be nice , " Lizzy answered , " As long as you don 't mind my dress . I do not exactly have decent clothing . " She let out a small laughter and shook the skirting of her dressing . The dust fell out some as she looked back at him . ( ( Sorry about the long wait . Been busy with personal business ) ) Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) " Don 't worry about that , I don 't think anyone is interested in looking at the dress when you have such a beautiful smile . " He told her as charmingly as he possibly could . " I know of a good place just five minutes walk from here , their lamb is delicious . " He then said . Adam had only been to a couple of restaurants in that town since most of them weren 't to his fathers liking . For the most if they decided to eat outside then they went to some other town close by with more expensive food . Because it must be expensive , or else it won 't be any good . At least that was his father 's philosophy . He himself didn 't really care , he usually liked to go around in the forest and eat berries for free . He just couldn 't understand his father sometimes . She laughed at both his comments . " Isn 't someone quiet the charmer ? " She asked , with a slight hint of playfulness within her words . She took a step closer to him and stood by his side before linking her arm around his . It had been awhile since she had been out with a " friend " . She days were spent with work and chores and more work . It wasn 't exactly the life that anyone would want to live , but it was what she needed in order to get by . " Now , why don 't you lead the way ? " She asked , looking up at him , " I do not think I would know the way to the place in which you speak of . " Soon she was walking beside him and they were on their way towards the restaurant . Her feet trailed through the snow as they came to a nicer part of the city . She had always known it was close , but not within walking distance . The women were dressed , not in the best clothing , but they were much better off than the dress she wore . She could feel their eyes on her and possibly him as they came to the white building . It didn 't look to be like the elegant palace like places she had heard about from Mrs . Jenkins , whom had worked as a maid in one of those fine hotels , but it was better than any place she had ever been . She glance over at Adam and then back at the place . " Are you sure they won 't mind how I 'm dressed ? I 'm pretty sure the help is dressed better . . . . and cleaner . " her voice was nervous and somewhat hoarse . Both . I usually start off a bit more passive while getting used to the world and my character ( s ) , but once I feel like I know my character ( s ) well I usually feel very comfortable with becoming more aggressive . I like it if both parties can do things for the plot and create new characters , both villains and heroes . If you are completely passive , we might not fit each other . Scifi . Mecha . Combat . Overly action oriented stuff . Overly ecchi or sexual ( Characters can have sex , but fade to black is a must . ) . Slice of life ( I need something to spice up the rp , like supernatural stuff or a fantasy / historical setting . Otherwise it gets boring real quickly . ) Adam laughed at her comment about him being such a charmer . She had the same hint of playfulness as his sister had when she teased him . At least she used to tease him . Now she was married to a ' gentleman ' chosen by their father and she had since long been living far away from them . He still hadn 't got the chance to meet her since the wedding . He led the way towards the restaurant , it wasn 't a five star restaurant that his family was used to , but it was better than a normal inn . The place was much cleaner than the industrial part of town , but it was very far from being as beautiful as the places their family used to go to . Even he noticed the eyes that examined the two of them . The women often started to look at him and then turned to the girl he had beside him , even though they didn 't say anything he could see on their expressions that they didn 't understand why a man like him would be with a dirty woman like her . At first he had thought it would be alright to go like that , but as she spoke to him again he realized that if someone said something about her then she might just feel like leaving . " You 're probably right . " He mumbled deep in thoughts before looking at her with a bright grin . " So lets go and clean you up a bit . I know a place that sells lovely dresses very close by . Lets make them really jealous . " He had a bit childish tone in his voice . He didn 't care much for women and dating . Messing with the societies view on ranks was more his thing . The people kept looking at her up and down and she noticed how a few women around her own age leaned in and started whispering and giggling to each other . Maybe this wasn 't such a good idea . Someone like him did not belong with someone like her . He must have sensed her uncomfortable feeling or the fact that everyone was now looking at them . Elizabeth looked at him in shock as he started to lead her out of the shop and down towards another . " Um , I really can 't take that offer , " She said , feeling as if this would only come back to haunt her . " I should really be heading home . " Her feet went through the snow as they came to a dress shop with dresses of every color and style hanging in the window and she could only imagine what could be behind the door . Her eyes went wide as she started to try and get away some . " Trust me , my family is going to be worried . I can 't ask you to do this for me . " ( ( Sorry it 's soooo short ) ) Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . 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It 's New Year 's Eve , and here we are at home , which is where we always are for this occasion . Well , everyone is here except Chelsey ; she 's staying at a friend 's house tonight . John and Matt are playing golf on the PS2 , and Evan is loving it . Kyle is watching TV - - we 're getting ready for Shrek 2 in a little bit . He of course has that on DVD , but it 's a little more special when it 's on TV ( * * quick edit - - yes , we 're watching Shrek - - along with 3 or 4 other shows ! ) . Right now , he 's chatting about his trains and Scooby Doo characters . I love the way he combines characters from different shows to create his own episode of a unique show . And the voices are usually right on - - his version of Daphne 's voice is quite humorous . I 'm , obviously , on the computer , but I plan to head to the kitchen soon to clean up the mess we created . Chelsey and I created a quick dessert for her evening , and then I attempted to make tonight 's dinner a little different for our " celebration , " so we had a variety of items , which means a variety of a mess . It 's hard to believe there are only 4 more days left of vacation . Actually , that 's how many days before I " have " to go back to school , but in reality , I have sooo much to do before then ( grade an enormous amount of papers ( procrastination ) and prepare for next week ) . Next year , I 'll definitely remember to not do something the final week before vacation that will leave me with a lot to grade . We 've been playing the Stars Wars Battleship game quite a bit - - the boys like it . There are 4 different missions . The first 3 are similar to basic Battleship , except one doesn 't sink ships ; they 're neutralized and destroyed ! We 've been playing the 1st mission which is identical to the Battleship we all know . I 'm not sure we 'll ever make it to the 4th level - - advanced . There are extra buttons and blue pieces that go along with that level . The first time we played , it was John and Matt against Kyle and me . Since then , Kyle and Matt have been battling each other , and I serve as a neutral coach . My job is to help them Posted by The Christmas card picture Evan 's favorite giftEvan adores giraffes , but like other stuffed animals , he wouldn 't touch this one . He did , though , give it many kisses . Kyle has been wanting Electronic Battleship for a few years . This is Star Wars Electronic Battleship ! We haven 't played yet ; the directions are rather lengthy . Matt and Kyle checking out Kyle 's new digital watch . Digital watches for the boys are sort of a Christmas tradition . Matt likes to post signs on his door . This DO NOT ENTER sign flashes . Evan seems to like the barn so far , although he doesn 't care for it when we turn the sound on . . . we 'll give him some time before we try that again . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Chelsey , Kyle , and I went to Lafayette today so that Chelsey could exchange something . Kyle 's mission was to try and find a PlayStation 2 game that he has been wanting for quite a while . I didn 't get it for him for Christmas , because I couldn 't find it . So today we first checked at Meijer , then Target , then K - Mart , then Best Buy , then Game Stop in the mall , and finally , a Game Stop next to Wal - Mart ; except for the last stop , all these places required getting back in the van . Both of the Game Stops were packed , but at the second one , someone actually asked us if we needed help . I told him that we were looking for Lego Star Wars : The Complete Saga for PS2 . He kindly went and checked on the computer and came back and told us it didn 't look like it had been made for PS2 ! ! ! After all that searching ! Needless to say , Kyle , who had been demonstrating extreme patience , was disappointed . We went to Wal - Mart and bought Shark Tale . Amazingly , he didn 't have that movie yet , and it was relatively inexpensive . Posted by Evan and I watched the video that Kristie posted of Blake ( go to her site and check it out - - very cute ) . After watching it , oh , I don 't know , 25 times , I decided to video Evan watching it ; he appreciated the entertainment ! His favorite part is when Blake says " train . " Thanks for the free entertainment , Blake ! Nothing like waiting to the last minute ! Every year , I take a picture of the kids for our Christmas cards . Before digital cameras , I would buy a role of film and use the entire role trying to get one good shot . In the past , it was kind of tricky getting both Kyle and Matt smiling and looking at the camera at the SAME TIME . Chelsley has always been really good at just holding her smile throughout the entire photo session . Matt has gotten much better , but Kyle , he still needs to work on it . He tries so hard , he really does , but that 's part of the problem - - he tries too hard . Tell him to smile , and he 'll usually give some cheesy smile and his eyes will be closed tightly . Tell him to open his eyes and as he 's straining to open them , his mouth also opens . He concentrates too much on what his face is supposed to be doing . It works best if we just try to make him laugh . Because of Chelsey being away at college , getting a picture this year hasn 't been very easy . When she is home , she sleeps in fairly late , and by the time she 's up and " ready , " it 's just about time for Evan 's nap . So I decided that it had to be done today . Due to the fact that it was 2 degrees out today with a windchill of around - 20 , the picture had to be taken inside . Not a big fan of indoor pictures . Evan did a good job . . . John just kept saying the latest expressions that Evan thinks are hilarious - - " You did great ! " " You did fantastic ! " and " You did wonderful ! " Even with that , he still was a bit squirmy . After about 30 takes , I think we got something , but I 'm not thrilled with it . The boys were willing to keep trying , but Chelsey thought that the ones we had were " fine " and decided that she was no longer going to participate . Hmm . I then uploaded the pictures to Wally World for one hour development . Just as I was getting ready to head out the door to pick them up , I get a call from them saying that their machine wasn 't working , and it would probably be sometime tomorrow afternoon before the pictures would be developed ! I told them to cancel the order ( I miPosted by When I got home today , Kyle came up to me with a question that he and John had rehearsed ; it was asked in a very formal manner , but basically , he wanted to know if I would go to the basketball game with him . The thought of heading out in this freezing weather wasn 't very appealing , but I do like going to games . It cracks me up that he now enjoys doing things like that . When he was younger , that was pure torture for him . . . and us . After Chelsey graduated , I thought that my game days were pretty much over . It 's not that I went to a lot - - she didn 't play high school sports - - except soccer her sophomore year . She did , though , play in the pep band , was on the dance team her senior year , and sang the National Anthem a couple of times . In elem . and middle school , she played v - ball . She decided not to play in high school . . . ouch . I 'm very competitive - - - it hurts to lose . I played b - ball in Jr high through my sophomore year and v - ball all four years in high school . In v - ball . . . we were good . We lost the state championship our JR year , but won our SR year . The year that we lost , oh , the pain on the bus ride home . We listened to the song " Yesterday " by the Beatles on the long trip home as we shed our tears . . . how pathetic . Back to the game - - it was great ! We led the entire game - - that is until the final buzzer . With 2 seconds left , the score tied , the other team brought in the ball from under our basket , a kid threw the ball from around the foul line all the way down to the other end of the court , and it was one of those golden moments . It 's just too bad it wasn 't for us . I think I saw the mother of the kid who made the shot . . . some woman had her hand over her mouth , another woman was hugging her . . . I was happy for her . Kyle looked tired and was yawning during the 4Th quarter . It was , after all , after 8 : 30 ! He was fairly quiet during the game , just kind of taking it in . At one point , when the score was low , he was relating the score numbers to different levels on his Star Wars PlayStation game . There 's a girls game tomorrow night , butJen Last week , my mom told me that Evan was gagging when the therapist took out the Play - Doh . I wasn 't sure if it was a coincidence or not , because it 's been several months since I 've given him any ( and wasn 't interested at the time ) . Tonight , his other therapist was here , and all was merry until she opened the Play - Doh container . He immediately started to gag . She tried to get him to touch it , but quickly put it away when she learned that he wasn 't going to stop gagging . Funny kid . He reminded me of a boy who had Cerebral Palsy who I worked with last year in the Lifeskills class . He reacted that way to Play - Doh and shaving cream . He ALSO reminded me of Kyle , although I don 't think Play - Doh was ever an issue for him . For Kyle , the first gag item was broccoli . I was very insistent that the boys ate a variety of foods , which they do , but broccoli is one thing that I quickly gave up on with Kyle . When he was around 3 , I put his lunch in front of him ( which included broccoli ) , and within seconds , he vomited all over his plate . When he was in elementary school , they had to careful on the days that they were serving it . That one has gotten better , although he still doesn 't eat it , but one food item that has stuck is pickles . Kind of ironic , because Matt loves pickles . He 'll eat them on anything . Ex . : He mixes them into cottage cheese . When Kyle is at the grocery store with me , we inevitably have to pass by the aisle with the pickles , and they start at the end of the aisle . Gagging , eyes watering , face turning red is what one will usually see . We try to make it by there quickly , but once he starts , he 's never quite the same during that trip - - on edge . He doesn 't go to the store too often with me , but it helps if we don 't go down that aisle and pass it on the opposite end . When we get fast food , I often don 't bother ordering his burgers without the pickle , I guess partly because I think it 's better if he learns to " deal with it , " ( on gentle terms ) . So , when I take his burger out of bag , he knows to turn around while I take thPosted by Jumping , that 's what Evan is doing right now in his crib . It 's what he almost always does before going to sleep . It can last up to 45 minutes ! A while back , I posted about the sleeping habits of the older two . There was a KEY sentence in that post - - - " I 'll talk about Kyle and Matt 's . . . Evan 's is a little different . " A little different . . . first , he took 10 - 20 minute naps when he was an infant . But , at a few months old , he was sleeping through the night . Ah yes , right on schedule . Then , when he was 6 months old , we went to Florida for a week . The first 2 nights , he slept through the night . After that , life hasn 't been the same . I 've tried the technique of letting him cry . . . it worked for the other three , but it 's doesn 't have a very big impact on Evan . Part of the problem may be that because I 'm working , I feel a little guilty and give in a little easier . And then sometimes I think that he 's just getting back at me for working , because over the summer when I was home for about a month , his sleeping habits improved . It does seem , though , to help a little after I let him cry it out . Usually the next night is a little better . Actually , the past couple of weeks haven 't been too bad . I think he slept through the past 2 nights . A couple of months ago , he was getting up 2 or 3 times during the night . . . usually right after I fell back asleep . The funny thing is that recently ( with the exception of the last 2 nights ) , he 's been waking up around 3 and happily jumping in his crib ! A part of me says I should go in and tell him to stop , but the other part says , ' Well , at least he 's happy . ' I don 't know what 's going to happen when we put him in a bed . But , you know , I really think we might be on a roll now with those 2 nights in a row . . . hmmm . . . I 'm off to bed . . . The boys are growing up ! Tonight , they went to a Pacers game with their Best Buddies ! I 've never even been to a Pacer game . One of the buddies called earlier in the week and said that the B . B . program had been given 4 tickets to the game , and I 'm not sure how it was decided who would get the tickets , but somehow , they ended up with Kyle and Matt and their buddies . I was a little apprehensive at first ; the thought of them in a car with a teenager driver , all the way to Indy ( 45 minutes ) , yikes . One of the buddies just called and said that they were leaving now . . . the Pacers won . I gave the boys each a disposable camera . They have almost no experience with cameras , so the outcomes should be interesting . Matt was very excited about the camera ; he started taking pictures right away - - like when the girls pulled in . It 's just so incredible . Ten years ago ( or even less ) , I never would have imagined that they would be doing something like this . Two kids who did not do well in crowded places with us . . . now EXCITED about going to a NBA game with peers . Wow . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Evan has been on a role with vocabulary recently . Although he has been saying words since around 11 months , nothing ever " stuck , " and it was completely unpredictable when we would get to hear a word . But now , he 's saying things and then repeating them kind of " on command ! " Examples that I can think of right now : affe ( giraffe ) , owl ( how random is that one ) , pig , Gigi ( our dog ) , ball , ish ( fish ) , leaf , keys , bus , dog , wazsat ( what 's that ) , bee , and ( eep ) sleep . The " sleep " is funny . He saves it for Grandma 's and Grandpa 's house . When I drop him off , he immediately says to my dad , " eep , " and then laughs . They make a big game out of it . Along with those words , he 's also making much more effort with sounds in general . Whenever he sees a swimming pool or any other large body of water on tv , he says with enthusiasm something that sounds like " bath , " kind of like " wath , " but really , he 's saying " splash ! " His signiJen In the previous post , I predetermined that trick - or - treating with Evan would not be successful . . . . I was wrong . First of all , I think part of the success of the evening was due to the fact that I didn 't have high expectations ; I wasn 't even sure that I was going to put a costume on him . It all began in the late afternoon . For whatever reason , it hadn 't even crossed my mind that we still " needed " to carve our pumpkins ; I think Matt mentioned it . So , we brought them in and cut into them . Kyle willingly participated - - - it 's never been a favorite activity of his ; Matt has ALWAYS been into it . The picture pretty much explains their pumpkin gutting techniques . True to form , Kyle chose for his pumpkin to have a happy face . We turned on our porch light , lit the pumpkins , and waited with lots of candy . Unfortunately , our street doesn 't attract a big crowd ; okay , it doesn 't attract any type of crowd . Our only visitors of the evening were relatives . When spiderman showed up , Evan immediately touched his costume ; I think he liked the fabric . I then started thinking , ' Oh man , why didn 't I get him all dressed up ? Why didn 't we go downtown ? He would have loved seeing all the costumes ! ' Within seconds , he was crying big tears because of the hooded mask - - that made me feel a little less guilty ! After that , I decided to go ahead and put the clown outfit leftover from when Matt was little . It something I had made - - - odd choice of material , but Matt was my ' little porkchop , ' because he was porkier than the other two ! Evan accepted the outfit with ease . I then decided that I might as well give it a try ! With pumpkin basket in hand , we walked up to my parents house . Because it wasn 't 7 in the morning , Evan balked a bit . But , we made it in the door and got a cookie - - - he liked that . After a few minutes there , we headed out the door . There was one house ( not including ours ) that had a porch light on . Should I ? Hey , why not ! We headed over to the house , and 5 feet from the door , he started pulling away . Luckily , the people could see us , and the Posted by This year , it doesn 't look like any of the kids will be dressing up , so I 've put on photos from years past . First , a little of our history of Halloween . In one word - - " torture . " When the boys were younger , I wanted so badly to have an enjoyable time trick - or - treating with my kids . No . Until the year of the Pirates , they would end up in tears or would just plain " lose it " by the end . I don 't know , maybe one of the years of the Ghosts ( we did that one 2 years in a row ) may have gone alright . It just wasn 't there thing . And it took me a few years to accept that . Actually , after they got too old to go out , they expressed a little interest in dressing up ; well , at least Kyle did . Matt , no . He does , though , thoroughly enjoy having people come to our house , but unfortunately , with our " trick - or - treating on the square " ( area around the courthouse ) , we usually don 't have too many people come to the house . Last year , Kyle went to a Halloween party with Best Buddies - - - - and LOVED it ! He was " salt . " I know I have that picture somewhere around here , but I 'm not sure where at the moment . I may put a leftover clown costume on Evan tonight just to get a picture , but it would be very pointless to take him out . A . - - - He doesn 't know what candy is . B . - - - I kind of want to be here for the trick - or - treaters . C . - - - - The most important reason . . . . . he wouldn 't like it one bit . Why torture him so that he can get of bagful of stuff that he wouldn 't be eating ? Maybe next year . I kind of wish that I made something for the boys just to wear around here , but time got away . Next year . These are pictures of pictures . . . the scanner isn 't hooked up at the moment . . . hasn 't been since we moved here ! Posted by Kyle and Matt went out to eat with their Best Buddies . I was going to drop them off to meet their buddies , buy Kyle insisted that his buddy pick him up ( which she had already offered to do ) . So , I drove Matt and his buddy ( the other buddy brought her to our house when she picked Kyle up ) . Matt , who made it quite clear that he didn 't want to go , was a chatter - box all the way there . They both seemed to have a really good time . I 'm very thankful for the program ! I 'm combining two tags - - - one that is way overdue . So here are random / quirky facts about me ! 1 . I can 't stand to hear people chew . It 's been a problem for me ever since I can remember . Crunchy food is a little easier to handle than mushy food that is sloshing around in the mouth . My family is usually nice about accommodating me by having some sort of background noise while we are eating . Gum chewing - - - not good . Because of my problem with this , I 'm very aware when I am chewing to do it discretely ; I don 't want to annoy other people . Yes , how ironic , having children where chewing with the mouth closed is an issue . 2 . I procrastinate . It 's like I feel I have things done because in my head , they are done ! I compartmentalize everything up their very neatly and replay stuff over and over , so it 's almost like it 's done ! ( at least , that is my excuse ) 3 . In high school , I received the serving award in volleyball my junior and senior year . Within the last year , my left shoulder started hurting anytime I extend my arm up , reach for something ( a big reach ) , or throw a ball . Connection to the past , maybe . 4 . Finger nail polish on other people usually looks very nice . I 've tried wearing it , really I have , but it doesn 't last very long - - - an hour maybe ? The way finger nail polish feels on my fingernails - - - - I might as well just spread dirt on my nails . I do , though , keep my nails long . 5 . I can wiggle my pinkie toes sideways . 6 . When I was a kid , I spent so much time outside - - - climbing trees , catching toads and salamanders , smashing rocks , playing near the creek , riding my bike , hanging out with our animals , playing games with neighborhood kids , etc . Now that I 'm " a grown - up , " I feel like I spend way too much time indoors . 7 . My two favorite kinds of ice cream are mint chocolate chip and coffee . Hmmm , I might need to go to the store now and buy some coffee ice cream and make a milk shake ! Yay ! Chelsey came home for the weekend ! John worked half a day because he had some things he wanted to get done around the house . I called him about a half hour after school had ended , and he was asking when I was going to be home ; I said soon . I ended up staying longer than I expected , and he called and asked when I was leaving . Kind of odd that he would do that ; normally if he is home early , he tells me to take my time at school , because he knows I often try to rush out so that I can get Evan . He was telling me that the boys were really excited because we got our TV back today - - it had been in for repairs for approximately 2 weeks - - - I bought that excuse . So I get home , and he tells me to sneak into Chelsey 's room because Evan is in there , and I could surprise him . I opened the door , and there stood Chelsey ! A total surprise . Her car was parked in the garage , and John knows that I often don 't put away the van when I get home , so the surprised wasn 't going to be ruined . I normally do not like to be surprised ; this was definitely an exception . She and I did a little shopping in Lafayette . Tomorrow , we plan on taking a family trip to Stuckey 's - - apple orchard / pumpkin patch . Chelsey has never been a big fan of going there , but I tell her that 's all part of the tradition ! It just wouldn 't be the same going and not having her mention how she doesn 't like going there . Someday Chel , someday . Posted by Evan did well in with his therapist this evening . One activity he enjoyed was the bubbles . She wouldn 't do it " more " until he signed it , and boy , did he sign ! He must have signed it at least 30 times . Last week was his first week with this therapist . He did alright , but became frustrated easily and was throwing her toys . Tonight , he endured much longer and only threw toys a couple of times . She had him laughing quite a bit . After therapy was a quick dinner , and then I headed off to the school with Evan and Kyle . John and Matt had their own errand to run . Wouldn 't you know it , soon after we got to the school , Evan dirtied his diaper . I don 't have diapers in the classroom , and I also didn 't have any in the van . I didn 't want him to stay in the diaper too long , because first , that 's gross , and second , he gets rashes so easily . I was able to clean him up , because I do have wipes in the room . I only had about 15 more minutes worth of work to do ; I thought he 'd be alright . Of course not . As soon as we hit the cool air on our way out the door , he wet his pants . Luckily , he was wearing thick corduroys which helped to absorb the moisture ! I lined his seat with an extra sweatshirt I had in the van and headed for home . Note to self . . . . keep a few diapers in the classroom . John , the boys , and I went to The Feast of the Hunters ' Moon today . " The Feast of the Hunters ' Moon is a re - creation of the annual fall gathering of the French and Native Americans which took place Fort Ouiatenon , a fur - trading outpost in the mid - 1700s . " It was nice ; I only wish we had gone earlier . Evan was ready for his nap about an hour and a half after we got there . He fell asleep in his stroller , so John decided to position it so that he wasn 't sitting up . That woke him up . . not a happy camper . . . we ended up taking turns holding him as he slept . Some of the visitors to this event dress - up in clothing from that time period - - - that wouldn 't be us . I can just see the boys going for that one ! There were many areas set up that had food , but not things on a typical menu . We got buffalo burgers for the boys , but Matt refused to eat it due to the fact that they were called buffalo burgers . Kind of odd , because he 's the one that eats just about anything ! Of course many tents were selling things . . . a lot of the items made of wood . The boys each got a wooden axe - - - although Matt wanted a real one - - - - and Kyle got a wooden snake . We listened to a couple of different drum corps , saw two guys who were awesome jugglers and very entertaining as well ( the boys ' favorite part ) , watched a group in authentic type clothing doing dances of the time , and we did a lot of walking . The boys let it be known occasionally that they were ready to go home , but in usually Kyle style , he announced as we were heading toward the van , " That was fun . " Mr . Positive - - he felt safe saying that AFTER we left ! Here are some pics No , he 's not poking the horse in the eye ! Relaxing and listening to music Evan 's favorite part of the day . . . . the slight roller coaster feeling during the ride home ! Posted by . . . Kyle has been saying that the past few days . Throughout the year , his teacher invites her students to attend different events at the school ( so nice of her to do that ) ; this time it was the homecoming football game . It is so amazing how excited Kyle gets about these events . When he was younger , I NEVER would have imagined ; he was so not into other people . Matt was also invited to go . A little different with him . Instead of excitement the past few days , he 's been going around saying things like , " There 's no way your making me go . " Our response , " You 're going , so knock it off . " Matt - " No way , no how . " Up until we actually pulled up , opened the van door , he was still announcing that he was not going to go . But , we told him he was , so he followed Kyle out of the van . When I picked them up after the game , I could see from the smile on his face that he had a good time . The teacher told me that he talked a lot to one of the other students . As we we 're leaving the parking lot , he was telling me the score , and that we won , and that you could still see the score on the scoreboard . Immediately after , he said , " Next time , Kyle can go by himself ; I 'm staying home . " He just can 't admit that he had a good time ! Happy Birthday Kyle ! ( 19th ) Happy Birthday Matt ! ( 20th ) Happy Birthday Chelsey ! ( 21st ) For several years now , Matt has not been a big fan of having a birthday , so I 'm not sure how " happy " his is ! He always wants to " skip it . " Chelsey is home ! Yay ! Her e - mail account was stolen a couple of days ago and the bozo sent out one of those completely bogus e - mails about being in some foreign country , helping the less fortunate , bag was stolen , blah , blah , blah . What an idiot . I know , I should feel sorry for how pathetic that person 's life is . Time to start the celebrations ! ( Actually , it 's time to go to the store and buy something for Kyle and Chelsey . The ironic thing is that the one child that doesn 't want a birthday is the only one who we already have a present for ) . Posted by The inevitable happened ; Evan made his way out of the crib last night , and it wasn 't exactly a graceful maneuver . He had been in bed for approximately 30 minutes , and due to the lack of sleep I 've been getting recently , I decided to go to bed early . Right after I got into bed , I remembered that Evan didn 't have a diaper cover on , which means there was great potential for him taking off his diaper , and then , of course , there would be a need for a complete change of bedding in the middle of the night . He was still awake , so I debated about whether or not I should go in there . Due to my complete exhaustion , I decided I would just go ahead and check on him , because I was most likely going to be falling asleep fast . . . maybe before him . So , I went in there , he hadn 't taken his diaper off , I told him good - night , and I headed back for bed . Unfortunately , my brief appearance in his room did agitate him a bit , and he started " calling " me . He wasn 't crying , just calling out , and I figured that he would settle down quickly . Nope . Instead , after only a couple of minutes , we heard the big " thud . " I ran into the room knowing that he was going to be on the floor . He was flat on his back doing the cry where he was crying so hard , that he was kind of holding his breath . I was almost afraid to pick him up . I brought him into our room , gave him a good check - over while he cried , and I tried to comfort him , but after about 10 minutes , he was trying to get out my arms and bed . He 's not into the whole cuddling thing . He fell asleep quickly after that , but was up about about 10 times last night ! Maybe 10 is an exaggeration , but that 's what it felt like . I 've been thinking about it , and I think that the others were in beds by this age ( 27 months ) ; I know Chelsey was . It 's really hard to believe that he doesn 't need his crib anymore . It 's one of those 3 in 1 deals , so it 's probably just a matter of a few screws , and more importantly , a secure gate for the hallway or maybe his bedroom . Posted by . . to me ! Overall , it was a quiet birthday . My parents came over for a dinner of shells and meatballs ( John cooked - - - now THAT ' S a good birthday ! ) . My mom brought some yummy french loaf bread that we baked in the oven - - - that provided one of the highlights of my birthday . I was breaking off small pieces of the bread for Evan and having a hard time keeping up with him shoving them in his mouth . At one point , I had stopped giving him pieces , and he pointed to the bread in the middle of the table and PERFECTLY signed more ! ! ! I have been working on that sign for a couple of months now ( at least ) , and this was the first time that what he did really looked like the sign . In the past , he had done something that I wasn 't sure was a sign - - - he would very quickly bring his hands together - - - and it would almost look like it was only a result of him being very excited . Recently , he has been clapping a couple of times when I asked him to " say " more . It was beautiful ! The boys both picked out birthday cards for me when they went shopping with John . Matt insisted on a musical card - - - " Can 't touch this . " Of course , I had to do a little dance ( scary sight ) . I was very impressed with John 's shopping this year . He got 3 shirts that I actually like - - - a lot ! He also gave me a couple of pairs of pants ; definitely a good effort - - - I like the color ( can 't go wrong with black and brown ) , BUT , I 'm not into elastic waistbands , they were a size too big ( not his fault , I recently went down a size ) , and most importantly , I don 't wear pants that are labeled " short . " It had a tag that had that word at least 7 times ! So , I don 't feel any older , there 's nothing particularly exciting about turning 38 , except for the fact that I get to . Posted by Today started off with me sleeping in a bit - - 8ish . That was after waking up at 5 : 30 and spending at least an hour trying to get back to sleep . I don 't know why I do that , because then when I wake up " late , " it feels like half the day is gone . After a quiet morning with Evan and the boys , I went shopping at Teacher 's Delight ; I still had a coupon that someone had given to me after I graduated . It seems like the list of things I need ( or want ) for the class is never ending . I hope that improves as time goes by . Evan and I walked to the park this evening . . . somewhat crowded tonight . We first stopped to watch some people playing basketball . There was a little boy there who was probably a little younger than Evan who had a ball ; they entertained each other for a little bit . Evan 's lack of language wasn 't much of an issue because I don 't think this boy spoke any English . After basketball , we went to the playground area and were so fortunate to meet up with a sweet , 5 year old , little girl ! She immediately " adopted " Evan . And , just like the last time we met a little girl at the park , Evan did something new ! After she went down the curly slide ( the smaller one ) , he scooted that way , too . The first time , I went down with him to see how " scary " it was . Well , my adult size really wasn 't a good indication for the scariness , because I basically had to scoot down all the way . So , at least I found out it wasn 't very slippery ! After we got to the bottom , Evan headed right for the stairs ( following the girl ) , and went right over to the part of the equipment where the slide is . I let her hold him this time . . . worked well . He then wanted to do it again . This time , I told her to go first so that she could " catch " him . She did , and then he willingly went down ! ! Her role was more of " help him get off the slide when he gets to the bottom " because of the not - so - slippery factor . This happened a couple of times . Next , it was on to the swings where after a few minutes , he signed " all done , " and we walked home . He 's getting really good at that Jen It 's so hard being away from Evan . I know I would be thoroughly enjoying my new teaching job if it weren 't for my desire to spend every second with him . I do enjoy my class - - - great kids - - - I 'm so fortunate for my first year of teaching ! It 's just that beautiful little boy keeps tugging at my heart . . . . and keeping me awake at night to voice his disapproval of my absence during the day . Chelsey seems very happy so far at school . . . right Chel ? I still think your room looks more comfy than your new place ! I don 't know if anyone had the chance to read my post that existed for about 9 hours last week concerning Matt 's adventure into school , but if not , here it is in a nutshell . This is his first year in high school . He will have one lifeskills class with with Kyle . The rest of his classes are in resource rooms . A schedule has been made to make sure that teachers are sending him to the restroom . They 've had a day and a half of school , and he seems to be ok with it . . . so far . My little girl is starting her new journey . John brought her to school yesterday . . . an hour and fifteen minutes away . I went today to " hang out " with her for a while . It 's so strange not knowing what she is doing right now . Her bedroom looks lonely when I pass by it . My eyes are swollen . How did time go by so fast ? ? I remember so clearly . . . . straining to keep my eyes open to look at her after she was born . . . . 22 months old . . . . her sneaking out of her bed and trying to quietly walk down the hall . . . . we would say , " I wonder if Chelsey is still in bed , " . . . . . we would loudly get off the couch . . . . . we would then hear her little feet run down the hall , and then she would leap into bed , cover up , and close her eyes and pretend she was asleep . . . . . our walks to the beach . . . . . her reaction when we were driving home from the hospital with Kyle after he was born - - " It 's moving " . . . . . . countless memories . She 's a big girl now - - that didn 't take very long . . . not long enough . Posted by I went to the school today to register the kids . I 'll start with the good stuff , which was the last table we went to . Officer Wes was there handing out a variety of informational things . . . . including info on autism ! How cool is that ! We are fortunate to have an informed police department due to the fact that one of the officers has two boys with autism . He recognized me as a parent with a child with autism ; I 'm not exactly sure how he knows . It could be because of the bus accident Kyle was in last year ( his bus was rear - ended at a railroad crossing ) . Kyle wasn 't too fond of the whole event ! From what the bus driver and aide told me , he was quite upset . When I got there , he and the other boy that was on the bus were in the back of an ambulance all strapped in ! They were actually waiting for me , because they knew I was on my way to get Kyle . It was school policy ; although the accident was minor , he had to go to the hospital unless a parent was there to say otherwise . I did bring him . . . . just to be sure ! ANYWAY , Officer Wes gave me stickers for the car window from the Autism Society . They say : IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OCCUPANT WITH AUTISM MAY : * RUN AWAY * NOT RESPOND * RESIST HELP . It would be nice if those stickers said " Fragile X " instead of " Autism , " but then I guess they wouldn 't do much good ! He also gave me pamphlets to fill out ( to keep in the car ) that give more specific medical info , AND , two info sheets for me to fill out about the boys to give to the police department . Good job , Police Department ! After that , I don 't feel like talking about the rest of the registration . . . later . . . I 'm starting my new teaching job next week . The issue ? Childcare . Unbelievably , there is no childcare in this town of 16 , 000 + for children with special needs . Unreal . First Steps provides in - home therapy at a cost , but there is NO group type therapy - - - none . My child has nobody to emulate . In the county next to us , they have a childcare place where there are children with and without special needs , but that 's 40 minutes away - - not an option . I have a good example from THIS MORNING of why he needs to be around other children . We went to the playground , and there were only two other kids there with their grandpa . Evan did his new usual routine ; he went up the ramp and sat on the platform that connects the wobbly bridge , a slide , a tunnel , and the bars that one can go across . He likes to sit there and watch kids run around him . Today , a soon to be 1st - grader girl who recognized me from school came over to talk to us . Evan laughed as she ran across the wobbly bridge . She then went up to him and said so sweetly , " Do you want to go down the slide with me ? " The slide is a small , double slide . Evan has gone down it before but only with me holding his hand . Even though I have tried to get him to go down by himself in the past , he wouldn 't . Right after the little girl asked him , she went over and sat on one side of the slide , and Evan scooted right over and sat at the top of the other side ! She then went down the slide . Without hesitation , Evan went down ! ! ! I was on the other side of this piece of equipment , and although I could have ducked and gone under to get to the other side , there wasn 't enough time to react . I thought for sure he was going to land on his bottom . Nope , he landed squarely on his feet - - a perfect 10 ! Unfortunately , he then decided that he wanted to walk over by the animals , but he changed his mind halfway there when the donkey got really loud ; he also doesn 't like when the sheep get too loud . So we walked back to the playground , and I really think he wanted to play with that girl again , but she was on the Posted by When Evan was around 11 months , he did a kind of a wave - - - his whole arm would go up and down , but we only got that for about 1 month . He never did the typical opening and closing of the hand . . . . until . . . . Two days ago , Evan and I were walking outside when John came driving down the street . John stopped and said , " Hi ! " Evan raised his hand with an open palm . Was it a wave ? ? ? ? After chit - chatting for a while , John pulled away and said , " Bye bye ! " Evan again raised his hand and said , " Ba . " That was a new one ! Sunday afternoon , Karyn , my 16 year old niece was over our house visiting . Evan has seen very little of her in his life , so she 's a bit of a stranger to him ( we should change that Karyn : ) . When she walked into the living room , she said , " Hi Evan . " He lifted up his arm and wiggled his little fingers opened and closed ! As I sat there in amazement , he did it a couple of times . It was so exciting . Almost 27 months , and we got a wave - - - the official wave ! ! Then today , Chelsey and Evan went for a walk . Soon after they left , I got a call from my mom asking if I saw my little boy as they walked past their house . No , I hadn 't . Well , she went on to say how he waved several times . When they got home , Chelsey confirmed this . She also said that when the were at the end of the street , she said to Evan , " Did you wave to Grandma ? " and he turned around and waved again ! I missed it ! I really hope this sticks , unlike his language skills . There are several words that he has said in his lifetime . . . maybe 40 or more . . . . but we 're down to " ball " and " what 's that ! ? " Those are the ones that are consistent right now . A few weeks ago , I posted that he had said " blankie " twice within 30 seconds . Yep , haven 't heard it since . That 's the story of his language ! I hope he 's storing all of those words for later use . Look ! It 's Heimlich ! I called Kyle over to see him , but I couldn 't remember the name of the character ( non - movie watchers . . . . it 's from A Bug 's Life ) . I asked him who it looked like , and he , of course , knew right away ! Here are the games that Chelsey and I played . The Racko I acquired recently ( free ! ) for the classroom . I was so excited when I saw it because it 's a game that I had when I was younger . Very simple ( but fun ) concept . . . . the cards have to be in order from least to greatest . I 'm thinking that if Chelsey and I team up with the boys , they might like it , although they might be bothered by the fact that you can skip numbers ; it only matters that the next number in the rack is higher . This is the other game - - - Mancala . I had never played this before , but it looked interesting and it was relatively inexpensive . It 's a fairly simple game , but one can make it more complex if strategy is added . I adore games where there is mathematical thinking and strategy ( of course , most games do invole that , which is why I like games ) . I 'm also going to buy Mastermind for the classroom - - - another favorite from my younger years . Hey , I have a difficult time getting family to play games . . . . maybe I can join the kids during indoor recess . . . if only there was time ! Four weeks of summer school ended on Friday , and I have approx . two weeks to get ready for school . I decided to take it easy today , and look where that brought me . . . . . . Look what I used today . We 've had this stereo a very long time , but it was basically stored away for many years . Well , in this house , we now have a space for it . . . in the sun porch . I played a record for the first time in a long time : I popped on a 45 . . . " Mickey " , by Toni Basil . When it comes to music , I tend to be just a bit stuck in the 80 's . I like a lot of other music , too , but I can 't imagine a day when the 80 's music doesn 't give me that warm and fuzzy feeling . Music has always been big in my life ; I spent a lot of time in my room during my teenage years with the radio on ; I looked forward to Casey Kasem 's countdown each week , especially when he would have the letters from viewers each week . . . so heartwarming ! After " Mickey , " it was on to the first full length album that I ever bought . . . . Oh yeah , Olivia Newton - John . I used to play that over and over . I didn 't own too many LP 's , partly due to cost , and probably because cassettes were the popular thing - - - I have SO many of those ! And while I 'm on the subject of music and the 80 's , the first concert I went to ( and only concert when I was a teenager ) - - - - Bryan Adams . I still have the t - shirt . I went with two of my friends ( I think it was just the three of us ) . The only other concerts that I 've been to are Raffi ( I think that counts ) and Billy Joel . A friend of mine from work bought tickets as a Christmas present for us and one other girl we worked with . This friend wasn 't even a Billy Joel fan ( I AM ) , but she admitted after the concert that he put on a really good show ( of course ! ) . Okay , so good music memories today , BUT , my day got even better ! Chelsey agreed to play games with me this evening ! ! ! ! ! Although I can get the boys to play games sometimes , it 's just not the same as playing with John or Chelsey . More tomorrow . . . . my brain is getting sleepy . A few years ago , we started bringing the boys to Great Clips for haircuts ; before that , I had always cut their hair . Neither of them were big fans of it at first , but Kyle does a great job now . I think he kind of likes having a girl cut his hair ; - ) But Matt . . . . he doesn 't do so great with it . He 'll tolerate it if we make him go , but it 's definitely hard on him ( frustration and tears ) . Even home haircuts make him a bit upset . The kind of haircuts that I know how ( term used loosely ) to give are plain and simple - - short . Matt has wonderful thick hair , and I like his a little longer , only I 'm not capable with the scissors of producing any type of style with it . So recently , I had let it get fairly long and would just trim randomly . It finally got to the point , though , where my random trims just weren 't working . Here are the before and after ! I think that the short hair looks very neat on him , but I miss the mop ! We 'll probably let it grow for a while . . . at least that 's what he says . Posted by |
I had strapped the boys in and entered the room with ' the big caboose ' - - and yes , that is the actual name of our stroller . I sat in an end chair , rolled the boys up next to me , and pulled out my phone to video . The girls were all lined up , each standing on their own star - - symbolic , don 't ya think ? The teacher started the music and prodded them on . . . telling them each step to complete . They were all so cute and the videos were a rollin ' . They finished the song and Sister ran over to me and said , " Mommy ! Was it beautiful ? " I smiled and answered that yes , it really was ! Many of the moms laughed and commented on how sweet that was . The mom next to me even leaned in and said , " I wish some of that would rub off on my daughter , " as her daughter seemed a little shy . I smiled as my little free spirit went to get in line for them to walk by one by one showing their graceful jumps and hops . And then it happened . My sweet little 3 year old became not so sweet . She decided that she was not going to stand in line and show me . . . well , anything . She came over to me crying , and I did the typical mommy steps to get her back in line - - literally and figuratively . " Do what you are supposed to and we will get a surprise after class . . . Go get in line or mommy 's going to leave . . . All of your friends are showing their mommies what they learned , can you show me ? . . . If you 're not going to participate , then we will all leave right now . . . Fine , no surprise , and mommy is very upset . . . " Ultimately , all that got me was tears and more defiance . I was getting angry . . . but trying to be cool . After all , the other mommies were watching . And then it got worse . She finally went to get in line through the coaxing of her teacher - - and a promise to be the line leader . She got in front of the line , and froze . She would not go . So the kids continued without her . Once they had finished , she stomped her foot in protest . She had not been the line leader . She pretty much cried the rest of the time , and then wanted a sticker . . . and a surprise . I couldn 't get out of there fast enough . I was upset with her for acting that way . . . and upset at myself for being embarrassed . I could just hear all of the other mothers thinking how glad that they were that their child didn 't act like that . We have to take the good , the bad , and the ugly crying with our children . . . but come to think of it , we have to take it with everyone . Unfortunately we are not perfect , and we make mistakes - - whether we are three , or ninety three . I have yet to understand why it cuts so deeply when we feel that our parenting is being criticized by others . If I am seen as a bad friend , I hate it , but so be it . If I am seen as a bad daughter , I can deal . If I am seen as a bad employee , I 'll go somewhere else to work , but if you tell me that I am a bad parent , the claws come out . Why does this cut deeper than the others ? I think that perhaps , it is because our children are seen as a reflection of us . And I suppose that they are . If our children are great - - it is because of us . If our children are horrible - - it is because of us . Talk about high expectations on us as parents . The way that I see it , we parents are all just flying by the seat of our pants . There is no great book of parenting that we receive at the hospital that has all of the answers . We just hope and pray that we are doing what is best for them , and continue to move forward . Nick and I had a date recently . The kids were staying with his parents , so we didn 't have to pay for a babysitter . . . SCORE ! I was so excited ! These date nights are rare around our house , and a free babysitter is amazing ! To top it off , we were going to see one of our favorite bands - - Little Big Town . I could not wait for a night " away " . ( By the way , their concert is so much fun , if you 're looking for something to do . ) We were having a great time , catching up with each other and " people watching " , when a phenomenon happened . It actually happens every time that we have a date night . It starts with a sentence . . . usually it goes something like this . . . " You will never believe what Sister did the other day . . . " It continues with laughs and smiles and soon becomes a full fledged conversation about none other than the kids that we were " getting away " from . Isn 't that ridiculous ? We want to get away so bad , but then we can 't stop talking about the little stinkers . Kids change you in so many ways . You are never the same . Priorities change , goals change , thoughts change , everything changes . It is a slow process , but all of a sudden you wake up and don 't know how to be " you " - - without them . I feel like my kids are a physical part of me . . . like my right leg . Which they incidentally are sometimes : ) . When I don 't have them with me , which is not often , I feel completely naked . My mom always says that once you are a mom , you are a mom forever . She proves this statement by still telling me not to go out late alone , and to remember to lock my car doors . . . But she is absolutely right . . . I am always thinking about them . When I go shopping , I no longer go to the shoes or clothing for me - - but for them . When buying groceries , I stop to grab a surprise for them . When deciding what to pick up for lunch , I choose their favorite place . When listening to the radio , it is veggietales or the like , for them . Don 't even get me started on our television choices - - positively for them . Life changes . But why does life change so drastically ? Because of love . It is a deep seeded love that I have for these children . I want to make them happy . I want to smother them with kisses . I want them to have the best childhood ever . I want their every moment to be sweet . I want them to have all that I had - - and all that I didn 't . I want - - for them , where I used to want for me . The love for your children is unlike any other type of love . And once again , I am reminded that this is what the Father feels for me . He wants me to be happy . He wants to smother me with love . He wants me to have an amazing life . He wants my moments to be sweet . And He wants - - for me . calls out that she is hungry . I ask her what she wants as she stares blankly at the television . Three repetitions of this question later , I still have no answer . So I grab Little Man 's soiled clothes and run downstairs to the washing machine . I turn the water on scalding , throw the clothes in with extra Oxi - Clean , and run back upstairs hoping to see everyone nicely sitting in their chairs . When I hit the top of the stairs , I hear Sister scream , " Moooommyyyyy . . . I 'm hunnngryyyy ! " I walk into the kitchen scolding her for screaming and ask her what she wants . Blank stare . I head back to the bathroom for a potty break when I hear water running in the hallway . I did just start the wash , but this is coming from upstairs . Linebacker wasn 't in the kitchen . . . CHIT . I left the master bath door open and Linebacker helped himself to our walk in shower . There he stood , fully clothed , grinning from ear to ear despite the water streaming down his face . Mommy potty time will have to wait . I turn the water off , wrap him in a towel , and head to his room to try to find some clean dry clothes . As I am pulling his diaper off , it busts open and those lovely little balls of whatever they are go everywhere . Great . About this time , I hear Sister scream again , " Mooooommyyyyyy . . . I said I 'm hunnngrryyyy ! " I quickly dress Linebacker and throw his soaking clothes into the laundry chute . I barge into the kitchen and stand in front of whining Caillou on TV . " What do you want ? ? ? " I ask sharply . I have learned not to just make her something because it will not be the right thing . Now that I am in front of the TV , I finally have her attention . " Macaroni and cheese , " she says . I don 't care at this point if it is ten o ' clock in the morning , mac ' n ' cheese it is . Now that Little Man sees that the kitchen is open , he runs over to the utensil drawer and says , " Poon ! " This means that he wants a spoonful of cookie butter . ( If you have never had this , you are truly missing out ! Trader Joe 's cookie butter . . . you 'll thank me later ) I scoop him a giant heap out and hand it over . Back to the mac and cheese . . . which happens to be Easy Mac . Don 't judge . Now Linebacker comes in and I go ahead and scoop him out some cookie butter and hand it to him . . . I know that it 's coming . Mac ' n ' cheese is finally done , so I drop a piece of ice in it and put it on the table . " Mommy , it 's hot ! " Sister screams . " It will cool off in a second , " I respond . Time for mommy to try to potty now . I scoot back to the bathroom , stopping to dry the soaked floor , and finally making it to the potty - - followed by the boys . " Poon ! " Little Man says and shoves the spoon at me . " Just a minute ! " I respond . Linebacker walks behind the toilet and drops his spoon in . Lovely . I finish my business , fish the spoon out of the water , and get everyone out of the bathroom . We get back to the kitchen and I take the spoon to the sink and remember where this all started - - the dishwasher . Back to work . This is what it is like to be a mommy of three very small children . I sometimes feel like I am running in circles all day long , and I never get anything accomplished . I live in a state of exhaustion , physical and mental . I constantly correct , guide , and care for these children . Being a mommy is not instantly rewarding , in fact , it may be thirty years before I see a reward in hopefully grown successful children . It is not like a promotion at work , or a bonus for a " job well done . " But I have to keep on grooming and loving them , because they are my children and God has entrusted them to me . Don 't you know that God does that to us ? He gently nudges , grooms , and loves us . If we are taking a wrong path , He steers us back . If we make a horrible mess , He gives us a way out . If we make wrong decisions , He loves us through it . If he can have the persistance to stick it out with me , I can surely stick it out for my children . Because I absolutely love them - - just like He loves me ! connections can get you there either . It is completely out of your power , or any one 's power for that matter . Even the doctors can only do so much . I used to be dubbed the " worrier " . I worried about everything . But I was , at least , a self proclaimed one , and I prayed about not worrying daily . It was so hard for me to not worry . I think that one of the major lessons that I learned during our infertility journey was to let it go . Infertility was one of the few things that I had encountered in my life that I could absolutely do nothing about . My mom couldn 't fix it , nor could my dad . There was no solution , as hard as I tried to find one . I was broken . My worry and anxiety rose to an unbearable level on this journey . I finally had to give it up . Really give it up . And when I did - - I finally listened . And God spoke . It was then that God told us through the voice of a stranger to adopt - - and life changed . The way in which Sister came to us was completely God . And then Little Man - God . And then Linebacker - definitely God . It has been amazing to see His plan unfold ( And He ain 't done yet . . . my friend Robin reminds me ! ) I can remember when I first realized that a mama bird had made her nest in the window box outside of my bathroom window . I watched her daily as she tirelessly sat on her eggs . Then one day - - baby birds . Tiny little creatures with frizzy hair and closed eyes . The mama brought food to them time and time and time again . I know that she was exhausted , but I realized that God cared for each of those teeny tiny baby birds . . . and he insured that their mama had food for their little upturned beaks . The baby birds brought me back to these verses : " Therefore I tell you , do not worry about your life , what you will eat or drink ; or about your body , what you will wear . Is not life more important than food , and the body more important than clothes ? Look at the birds of the air ; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns , and yet your heavenly Father feeds them . Are you not much more valuable than they ? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? And why do you worry about clothes ? See how the lilies of the field grow . They do not labor or spin . Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these . If that is how God clothes the grass of the field , which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire , will he not much more clothe you , O you of little faith ? So do not worry , saying ' What shall we eat ? ' or ' What shall we drink ? ' or ' What shall we wear ? ' For the pagan runs after all these things , and your heavenly Father knows that you need them . But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness , and all these things will be given to you as well . Therefore , do not worry about tomorrow , for tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own . " Matthew 6 : 25 - 34 I am sure that I had read this a million times , but all of a sudden , I felt it . God had a plan for me and I could rest in that . Period . That simple . Now . . . I am not going to say that I never worried again , because we all have worries . But I am much more laid back than before . I am sure that the reason for some of that now is the fact that I am too exhausted to get upset about anything , but I know that God has created this life for me . And if He takes the time to place each little petal on the smallest of flowers , and to have enough seed scattered for the tiniest of birds - - how much more is he going to care for me ? This revelation was so strong in my life , that I had this verse tattooed on my foot . I am sure that some of you may not approve , and that is okay , but I wanted to see this every day . I wanted to remember that every single day of my life is important to God - and that he is right here with me . It is most excruciating waiting for your child . . . a tiny piece of your heart that is missing , even though you never before realized that it was not there . The paperwork is all done , the fingerprints and background checks are in - - and you are waiting . You have a room designated as the nursery . You have purchased a few things for it , but they are , of course , unisex . You probably have a crib and maybe a few stuffed animals , but that is it . The closet has a few tiny clothes hanging in it . . . not pink or blue , but green or yellow . You may have a few packs of diapers , possibly even a diaper station . . . but probably not . You don 't want to do anything to jinx the process . You research possible bedding for a boy - - and a girl . . . maybe even twins ? You have to be ready at any moment . You probably put the items in your online shopping cart , so that all you have to do is hit the " purchase " button when it 's time . You text and sometimes even call your social worker to see if they are working with any possible birthmothers . You ask if there is anything else that you can do . No , just wait . Your friends ask how you are doing . You answer that you are good - - just waiting . You give them a reassuring smile , when you really want to just cry . Your arms are empty . You long to love your child . . . but you are still waiting . You peruse the baby aisles at the store - - every store , touching the tiny items and thinking of your child . You never leave your cell phone anywhere , because you might get " the call " . Every time it rings , you look hopefully at the name . If it does happen to be your agency , your heart skips a beat . But it 's usually just a question about your forms . The wait is relentless . This is just a small description of what it is like to wait on your child . It is not just waiting 9 months on the inevitable . It is waiting indefinitely on a possibility . It is indescribable . Waiting on God is so stinking hard . We know in our minds that he knows best , but our hearts are hurting . We do know that he does have perfect timing , but it is sometimes hard for us to let go . BUT - - on the other side of this crazy wait , is pure joy . It is completely and totally worth it . That child is in your arms , and your heart is complete . While you were in it though , it was emotionally exhausting . If you are in this holding pattern now , hang in there ! You will meet your child soon - - God is faithful ! I have a few friends going through this process now . They have businesses that they do solely for their adoption fund . Please take a look , and help a great cause , if you feel so led ! As I got everyone loaded into the car this morning , I saw 2 envelopes with my name on them on my steering wheel . I put them in the cup holder , and continued to wrangle kids into 5 - point harnesses . I got them all buckled , backpacks at their feet , and jumped into the drivers seat for the journey to school . I grabbed my French - pressed coffee and took a swig hoping that it would help me get through the school drop off escapade . As I approached the first red light on my path , I opened the first envelope . I will not divulge all that was written on my Valentine 's day card , as I think that is of no interest to anyone . And I am not one to brag on my husband , because that is not who I am . ( I obviously found him amazing , or I wouldn 't have married him : ) ) But as I read my card at the light , I had to laugh . As I was leaving the driveway , I thought about how different life is now . In my " pre - kids " life , I would have gotten into the car , primped and prime , I might add . I would have opened the card as soon as I got in and soaked in every word . I would have smiled , maybe even laughed out loud at a shared joke between us . Then I would have driven to Starbucks to order my Skinny White Chocolate Mocha , with a smile on my lips and thoughts of him on my mind . I did laugh at the card and think of him today . Even though it did take me a few red lights to get both of the cards read , I finally got to the handwritten note that said , " Flowers die . . . or don 't last long if the kids find them . Candy gets eaten . . . by the kids if they find it . . . " Then he gave me a little cash to go buy Starbucks or anything else that I wanted for me . It was so funny to me that his words expressed my thoughts of how life has changed . Back in my " pre - kids " life , I would have searched high and low for the most amazing and meaningful gift to give him on Valentine 's day . It would probably have included a cookie cake from The Great American Cookie Company - - you know the one , and something that would have surely knocked him off of his feet . But this year , I have a card waiting on him when he gets home , a house full of kids , and me , a mommy who lives in a constant state of exhaustion . I no longer have the time or energy to search for that perfect gift , or the patience to enter the mall with three screaming kids to purchase that cookie cake . But when he gets home , he has three little stinkers that run up to him and yell , " Daddy ! ! ! " Pretty even exchange , don 't ya think ? In our " pre - kids " life , we had a lot of time for each other , and frankly - - just more time . But what we didn 't have left a hole in our hearts . We wanted to have the " pitter patter " of little feet all around our house . And now we have them ! I try to remember this in those stressful moments , I try to remember how much more love we have now - - and I thank God for his faithfulness . Is conception not truly an amazing process ? Two people come together and create another living being . How crazy is that ? If you have ever personally experienced , or loved someone that has experienced infertility , then you know how exact of a science this process is and you should be able to appreciate that success is truly a gift . With the adoption of my two children , came a huge feeling of thankfulness . They were instantly mine . But I felt so much thanks . Because I could not be a mother without the actions of someone else . The thanks far outweighed my feelings of ownership . I had some teeny tiny feelings of ownership after they were finally legally ours . It is sometimes hard to remember that God gives these children to us to raise and to love . But they really aren 't " ours . " They are and will always be His . This is exactly how I felt when our children were brought to us . When I first laid eyes on them , I knew that their birthmothers were entrusting us with their tiny little lives . A woman gave me this tiny little baby to love , nurture , protect , and to teach right and wrong . She essentially gave birth and handed this newborn to me and said , " I love this baby so much , but I cannot provide . Please help him / her to thrive in this life . " It was such an overwhelming feeling - - such a feeling of unbelievable responsibility . It was like a living representation of God handing me this child to raise forever . It really solidified to me the fact that God was giving me this child . There is no question in my mind that He completely orchestrated the process of all of our babies coming to us - - one grew in my womb , but the others were brought straight to us through miraculous circumstances . Since Linebacker grew in my womb , I would say that I felt a little bit of ownership . Nick and I created him , therefore he is ours , right ? We didn 't have the physical representation of someone else giving him to us as we did with our first two children , but I still knew that he was sent from God . We had tried to have children for seven years and decided that it was too risky . We had completely put that out of our minds and focused on adoption . We weren 't trying to prevent pregnancy because doctors had told us it was impossible . I had tried to conceive for six whole years , with no results - - birth control seemed sort of pointless . God gave Linebacker to us , as well , He just used a different means . But the end result is the same - - to love and cherish and raise him in His ways . God carefully designed our family , and the process by which we became one . But it is so important to remember that He entrusted us with each of these children and their upbringing . I know that I fail daily , but I hope that I can raise them to know that they are children of God , and remember that I am as well . an IMPACT weekend , and a few of them were asked to speak on certain words . His word was mercy . Tammy told me about it and said to watch the video I couldn 't stop the tears . Why did it take a fourteen - year - old to point this out to me ? God did have mercy on me , and He gave me the desires of me babes . God 's mercy is for real . He loves us and wants the best for us . He has compassion for us . He gives us events to be grateful for that I think that one of the biggest fears about adopting , is the fear that you will not love a child that does not come from your womb . Some people are afraid to voice this fear , feeling that it is shameful . But it is a natural feeling . When I was seven years old , my parents divorced . It was not so much amicable . There were some really hard times , but thanks to hindsight , I realize that God brought the good out of " bad " . From this divorce came the following : a stepmother , a stepfather , two half brothers , a stepbrother , many step aunts , step uncles , step grandparents . . . you get the picture . ( I actually hate putting " step " in front of those titles , and I do not use them when referring to them , but that is the technical term . ) Although all of them are blessings , I will just focus on a few of the relationships today . Not too long after the divorce , my dad met my stepmother . She was a few years younger than him , and they " courted " very briefly before she attained that status . You can imagine the small town rumors . . . right ? But I digress . . . " Tammy " was 28 years old . She willingly jumped into a first marriage with two very young children . My sister is 4 years younger than me . At the time , we just thought that she was cool . But it was really so much more than that . She never treated us like anything but her own . She loved us unconditionally - - and we were not easy . We were still very confused and hurt from the divorce . But I honestly never felt anything negative from her . She was completely understanding and nurturing . I know that everyone is not so lucky in this instance , but we were . She took us to the pool in the summers . She made hair bows for us . She even made flip flops with bows to match our outfits . She fixed our hair like hers , and bought us the real deal Clinique lipstick when we were old enough . She contributed to our Barbie habit , and helped us pick out stylish clothes and accessories . That was all so wonderful , but the best thing that she did for us , was to love us . She was there for us , and we knew that no matter what - - she was there . Tammy was so good to us , in fact , that people constantly called her our mother . My sister and I would laugh because when someone would talk to us about our mom , we would have to let them continue and hope that they would give us a clue as to which mom they were referring to . I got married when I was 23 . Marriage is hard work . And Nick and I didn 't have any children for years . And even then they were both of ours . I cannot even imagine the things that Tammy had to deal with . But she jumped right in , and didn 't look back . ( At least not that we know of . . . ) I have two " half - brothers " , but we have never even used that term . That is technically what they are , but they are my brothers . Period . I am not sure that the youngest even knew that term until recently , because we are family , and that 's it . There is a large age difference , but we still have plenty of sibling rivalry . I have been accused of being the mother at times , but it is actually funny . I love it when my fourteen - year - old brother introduces me as his sister . Those are some confused looking teenagers . There is almost a 20 year age difference . I will never forget the humiliation and shock that I felt when my dad told us that we were going to have a baby brother - - I was 20 . But that quickly gave way to excitement and love when we saw that sweet little face . This theme is repeated throughout my family . I believe that this is why adoption was a little easier for me . I learned very early on in life , that family doesn 't equal blood relations . It is simply people who love you - - and that you love in return . I do believe that adoption may be a harder step for someone who grew up in a " fairy tale " family . But if God is calling you to do it , then he will give you the means to get there . Even though it may have been easier , I still had those worries . Will I love this child ? And I will tell you this . The first time that I saw my daughter , my eyes filled with tears . Joy . Awe . Amazement . Wonder . Humility . . . I felt all of these things . I had no idea that I could love someone like this and the love continues to grow daily . I knew that I could love my son when he was on his way , but how would I love them both so much ? Cheesy , I know - - but your heart just grows . It grows to accommodate all of your children . My children are my life . I love them all the same . I can honestly say that the only difference between my first two children and my last , is that he satisfies the curiosity of what mine and Nick 's children would look like . And I was seriously worried that he wouldn 't be as beautiful as my first two children ! ! ! ( But of course he is ; ) ) " Love is patient , love is kind . It does not envy , it does not boast , it is not proud . It is not rude , it is not self - seeking , it is not easily angered , it keeps no record of wrongs . Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . It always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres . " - - 1 Corinthians 13 : 4 - 7 My hair is not the latest hairstyle - - or color . In fact , right now it is a few colors , and it is usually in a ponytail . . . sometimes clean . I have what my sister lovingly calls , " chick hairs " sticking out . This is all of the new growth around your face that emerges post pregnancy . My clothes aren 't the greatest trends . They fit - - for the most part and they are washed . My make up is a smorgasbord of free samples , and impulse buys . . . but it isn 't a daily necessity . My fingernails are au naturale . Polish doesn 't last long through dirty diapers and millions of hand washes a day . My toenails have remnants of polish left from the Christmas holidays . I rarely wear jewelry because it is a magnet for my kids . Earrings and necklaces simply do not survive their curious hands . All of my shoes are now flats , because it 's hard to walk in any amount of heel with children on your hip . These are all things that have progressively changed with the addition of my children . I used to not leave the house without every hair in place . I would get up in the morning and wash , dry , and style my hair . Now I get a shower at 10 or 11 at night after everyone else is bathed and in bed . I usually go to sleep with it wet . It 's not worth it to wake up anyone with the hairdryer . I used to pick out the " perfect outfit " the night before . Now I get up and throw on whatever is clean . It can 't have too many frills or buttons because the kids see those as toys . It usually consists of jeans and simple tops - - complete with tennis shoes or boots . Anything that is easy for me to put on and hard for the kids to pull off . I used to go get a " make - up consultation " and buy the whole package ! I would get the foundation and concealer that worked together , and the perfect eye shadow and mascara . It would usually take three or four steps of color to get the eye make - up just right . I now typically put on some foundation and maybe some shimmer cream on my eyes . This is only if I can get it done before Sister walks in and wants her eyes done . I used to keep my toenails painted all of the time , with matching polish on my nails . I don 't even try that anymore . One dirty diaper and those nails would be goners . My toenails are painted on occasion - - by my daughter . I barely have time to keep them trimmed - - much less painted . I used to love accessories . Matching necklaces , earrings , and bracelets for my outfits . Simplicity is the name of the game now . I almost never wear earrings , because it only takes one quick swoop from Linebacker , and my earlobe is then plural . I have two necklaces that I wear . They are not long , and they both represent my children . Bracelets - - forget it ! Not that heels would go with my outfits - - but even if they did , it 's not worth a broken ankle . It didn 't take me long to realize that it 's impossible to carry two toddlers and pull the other by the hand without flat shoes and really good balance . The point in all of that is this - - my children are number one now . It 's my choice . I don 't know if I would call it a sacrifice , as I WANT to do for them . I would rather spend the time fixing Sister 's hair in the perfect braids . Or helping her pick out the most beautiful dress - - or painting her toenails . Or buying the best hair product for Little Man . Or buying the most accommodating extra wide shoes for Linebacker to perfect walking in . My focus has changed . It 's now on them . I don 't think that their memories will be of how great mommy 's hair always looked . Or how pretty her make - up was . Or how amazing her wardrobe was . Or how pretty her nails always were . Or how high her heels were . And that 's not what I want them to remember . As I was leaving Target the other day , I saw a mom and her " tween " daughter leaving together - - and it hit me . It will be such a short time before that is me and Sister . Another mom of three one time told me , " The days are long , but the years are short . " That couldn 't be more true . There will be plenty of time down the road for me to do things for ME . Right now , I am just plain happy doing everything that I can for my babies . I am not saying that every once in a while , a little envy doesn 't creep in . Look at how great her hair always looks . Look at how perfect her make up is . Look at those amazing accessories . How tall and thin she looks with those elegant high heels . I am human . Sometimes that happens . But then I look at my kids and know that they are so much more important . There will always be a new trend in hair , clothing , accessories . . . So we had made it over one hurdle ! We had Little Man home ! A week after we got home , my sister and second mom ( she 's my stepmother , but that doesn 't accurately describe her ) hosted a birthday party for Sister . I was so thankful that they handled that because I couldn 't have even begun to pull together a party . It was Little Man 's " coming out " party as well . We still had not told anyone about the pregnancy , although I was looking a little chunky at this point . A week or so after the party , I had another doctors appointment , and everything still looked good . So now it was time to tell the masses . We gave the go ahead to all of our family to tell our news . It felt so great to let go of our secret , and it was funny to see the shock on everyone 's faces . We had , by this point , moved past the shock . I was so thankful to be feeling better because Little Man was up for feedings all night . We did switch him back to regular formula after seeing our pediatrician , and he seemed to be doing better , although he had some pretty bad reflux . We had a few short months to adjust to a new baby . I had a pretty big interior design job going on , but he was still easy to take with me in his car seat . It wasn 't too long after we got Little Man that we found out that he and Sister were going to have another BROTHER . At this point , I started trying to pull together a nursery . . . Little Man would be sharing his room . We got the crib that was my brother 's and some chests from my Aunt , and set to work . I had to find something that would coordinate with Little Man 's decor . It was a crazy time . Although I have to admit that their nursery didn 't get the attention that Sister 's nursery had ! You know what they say about the third ! The next few months weren 't too bad because I wasn 't huge yet , and I still felt pretty good . Nick was doing a bit of traveling , which was tough , but we pressed on . When I hit 18 weeks , I had to start weekly shots of progesterone to relax my uterus in hopes of reducing my chances of preterm labor . I was SO excited about thi ( Side note , it is crazy how expensive a little vial of progesterone oil is ! Insurance wouldn 't pay for it because I hadn 't had a preterm labor before - - craziness ! ) As I got bigger , so did Little Man . It became humorous to go anywhere because I was obviously very pregnant , and I had a newborn . The looks that I got were priceless . Incidentally - - it 's really hard to tote a three - month - old in a carrier when you are 6 - 7 months pregnant ! The time drew nearer and we still didn 't have a name for the new little brother . I kept pressing Nick , but he seemed to think that we had all of the time in the world . Granted - - we had just named a baby boy a few months before - - but my nesting was kicking in big time . We had it narrowed down to two names , but couldn 't make a final decision . Once I got about two weeks away from my due date , I was allowed to stop my shots - - they had obviously done their job . I started talking to the doctor about inducing versus waiting on my body to go into labor . I was concerned about little brother being too big . My sister had been one step away from a C - section because my nephew was large and he turned at the last minute . . . so that was my biggest fear . Every visit for the last month , we discussed this . She said that statistically if you induce too early , it almost always ended in a C - section . So I decided to wait . When I went for my visit the week of my due date , we scheduled my induction for the next week . . . obviously I did not need to go to 42 weeks ! I was also a bit compulsive about having MY doctor deliver my baby . . . but you know that 's hit or miss . So I was scheduled to be induced on a Wednesday - - when she would be there . The weekend before , my sister and I had planned to go to Christmas Village . It 's a huge show where vendors bring food , clothes , accessories , etc to sell . It is one of the few things that we get to do sans kids . I didn 't miss it ! I had to take breaks from walking , but we did it ! ! ! One of the physical issues that I did have was that my right thigh would go to sleep if I stood for a long period of time . Little brother was in the right side of my uterus , and he would press on a nerve on that side . I also had to sleep on my right side since I was " right side heavy . " If you looked at me closely , you could tell that I was carrying him on one side . The hormonal line that you get down your tummy was pushed to the left on me . It was bizarre . My great - grandmother passed away this particular weekend . She had been in a nursing home for a while , and we knew that it was coming . The funeral was a few hours away , and I decided that it would be best for me to stay home and get ready for Wednesday . I was a little nervous about being induced , as I really wanted my body to go into labor naturally , but there was no sense in getting all worked up about it . God had this . On that Monday , I picked Sister up from her half day at school , put her down for a nap , and tried to get Little Man down . He was fighting it and he fights like no one else . He has the highest pitched shrill scream that you have ever heard . I put him in his crib , ran to the bathroom , and paused . Something didn 't seem quite right , but I went to tend to Little Man . As I was tending to him , I felt some trickling of water . . . it wasn 't a gush though , so I wasn 't sure what was going on . I finally put Little Man in his crib screaming so that I could go to the restroom to figure out what was going on . As the minutes ticked by , the water came quicker . I called Nick and told him that I thought my water had broken . He said to call the doctor and let him know . I called my mom at this point to see what it was like when your water broke because I was not sure if that was what was happening . I got her on the phone and she started telling me all about the funeral , who was there , how the service went , etc . When she finally took a breath , I interjected , " I think my water just broke . " At this point , the water was really flowing , and I was sure that my water had broken . I called the doctor , and they said to come straight in . I called Nick , and he told me that he needed to finish a few things and then he would head home . " I have a baby sleeping , one screaming , and I am confined to the bathroom ! ! COME HOME NOW ! " The minutes seemed like hours . He finally got home . I was walking around with a towel shouting orders like a general . I got the kids ' clothes out and told him to dress them while I jumped in the shower . We finally got everyone loaded , and headed to the hospital . Nick called his parents , as they were going to watch the kids while we were at the hospital . They were 2 hours away . By the time we got to the hospital , I was soaked . When they say that your water breaks , they mean it ! We put the kids in the stroller and headed up to the doctor . Luckily it was late in the afternoon and there weren 't a lot of people there . I asked if I could go straight back , as I was a little wet . They took me straight back , and quickly decided that my water had , in fact , broken . They put me in a wheelchair on numerous towels . . . I felt quite like the Princess and the Pea - - and up to the delivery floor I went . We went to a room , and were getting settled in , when the nurse realized that the computer wasn 't working . So they wheeled us off to another room . With the kids . At this point , Sister was two and Little Man was six - months - old . Nick was trying to work on the phone and deal with the kids , as I couldn 't get out of the bed . In order to keep Sister occupied , he was giving her chocolate . It didn 't take long before the sugar high kicked in . She was bouncing off of the walls ! " What is wrong with her ? " he asked me . " Really ? She has been funneling chocolate ! " He was trying to deal with a few " urgent " things at work and Sister was running around screaming . Little Man was crying , and I finally looked at him and not so nicely told him to get off of the phone . It 's funny now , but not so much when you are ten months pregnant , and laying on a delivery bed as the " princess ! " Nick 's mom and dad finally got there - - thank you Jesus ! And family started floating in and out . The nurse got me hooked up to everything and we signed all of the paperwork . She told me that if I had not progressed a lot by midnight , they would start pitocin . Then she told me that I could not get up to go to the bathroom . Great . Wish she had told me that before she hooked me up to all of the tubes . . . So we " ' slept " as much as possible . They were having issues with the computers as they had changed systems the week before . So they brought a team of IT guys in to look at the computer / monitor . Lovely . An audience . We actually ended up seeing this team quite a few times . So much , in fact , that when I returned for my check up the next week , we gave them high fives at the hospital 's Starbuck 's . ( We weren 't really that tight - - but almost . ) The time finally came where I decided to get an epidural . The pain was not unbearable yet , but I didn 't want to wait until it was . I asked the nurse about the risks and she noted a few things , but she reiterated that they only happened 10 % of the time . Minutes after my epidural , I started feeling sick . I laid back and felt very sick , but I had nothing in my stomach - dry heaves . Not cool . A few minutes later , I felt sick again . . . the nurse explained that my blood pressure had dropped . She had to administer meds to bring it back up . It was around noon or 1 : 00 when I could finally start pushing . It was exciting ! I had been in labor for almost 24 hours , and they were now bringing in all of the things for the baby ! Then my doctor came to tell me that her daughter was in a program in school and she would be leaving . I had an hour and a half to have this baby with her assistance . I could do this ! ! ! Two hours later , I was still pushing . He was not moving down . The nurse thought that he was also turned to the side . She called the doctor . The doctor on call came and assessed . She said that we could continue if I wanted to , but that she didn 't feel that he was going to come down , and that we should probably do a C - section . I was crushed . We had already called Nick 's parents and told them to come when we started pushing - - so they had been waiting , along with everyone else , for a few hours in the waiting room . We made the decision to go ahead with the C - section , as I had already been in labor for 24 hours . The nurse gave me a green slime to drink and off to the OR we went . They moved me to the operating table and started talking about boosting my epidural . I tried to explain to them that it made my blood pressure drop and made me sick , but no one heard me . They boosted it , and a few minutes later , the green slime resurfaced . I remember saying , " I am so sorry . . . " I was so exhausted at this point . The doctor was pinching my stomach and asking me if I could feel it . " No ! Please don 't put me to sleep ! " I didn 't want to miss seeing my baby , and anesthesia makes me really sick . Nick finally walked into the room and I grabbed his hand . The excitement had worn off . . . I was tired and scared . I remember squeezing his hand and praying that it would be over , as I could feel a lot of what they were doing . It was kind of like an out of body experience . I don 't remember a lot of what happened other than just praying . I do remember the doctor saying that the baby would never have come down , and that I definitely had a bicornuate uterus . Now let me just say that I have heard that planned C - sections are wonderful ! ! ! It is just these random " surprise " ones that aren 't so great . I later found out that epidurals are not very dense in numbing , so that is why I felt so much . The surgery was finally over and I remember them bandaging me up and rolling me out . I was so out of it . They had laid Linebacker next to my head . I remember rolling past the waiting room window and waving to a few family members , forcing a smile . But I was hurting . When we got to the room , Nick kept asking me if the family could come back , and I just kept telling him to wait because I was hurting . What I didn 't realize was that everyone had been really nervous about what was going on , and they all needed to see me to know that I was okay . They began getting worried when they heard nothing after we had told them that we were going to start pushing , and it had been two hours . Then they knew we were going in for a C - section , but it was almost two hours before they knew that he was born . I had no concept of time during the process . I finally told him that it was fine for family to come in , but for them to please not stay long . I vaguely remember family coming in and leaving . I don 't remember much until late that night . It 's funny because Linebacker is my biological child , but I felt that I bonded with him less initially because of the C - section . That 's another amazing thing about adopting - - you feel great and rested when you meet them ! My recovery was slow . I spent five total days in the hospital . But the next day , we finally agreed on a name . Our little bundle was very healthy ! He was probably the only C - section baby ever born with a cone head . . . and a sideways one at that . Apparently he had turned his head , and although he was big all over , his head was in the 100th percentile in circumference . We had been through this twice before , but I had been completely well for those . We also hadn 't dealt with nursing . So it was the same , yet different . When we finally got to go home , I was relieved , and a little nervous . I couldn 't pick up my older babies . I wouldn 't be able to do much for myself . It was hard . But we made it . Thankfully we had help from family for a few weeks . Linebacker did change up all of our plans since he came so late . Who would have guessed that the progesterone would have worked that well ? We had Thanksgiving at our own home for the first time ever . My mom came and helped me decorate for Christmas . Luckily , I had done all of our Christmas shopping before he came . I started healing and finally feeling like myself . And it was so wonderful when I could pick up my babies again . It was heartbreaking for them to reach up to me and cry for me when I couldn 't pick them up . Tragedies . . . they look us in the face daily . I don 't know if it seems worse because of the availability of news through the social media , or if they are really striking more people . Maybe it 's a combination of both . Regardless , it seems that I see horrible stories daily . I guess this is weighing heavy on my heart as I heard that a sweet friend who is dealing with cancer has had a set back . It certainly makes you contemplate why bad things happen to people . I know in my head that it is because there is evil in the world , and that God will always bring good out of " bad . " But I still sometimes feel a heavy heart . I also know that loss is an unfortunate part of life . I am not sure that we would feel love so strongly if we never knew loss . If everything were permanent , we would certainly take it for granted , and it would not be so precious . I lost my Pawpaw about six years ago . My granny died three months later - - she couldn 't live without him . It was really hard for me . We were very close to them , and I couldn 't imagine my life without them . It hurt physically - - real physical pain . I still think about how much they would love my babies and I wish they were here to enjoy them . But I know that I will see them again . It is really easy to get drawn into all of the tragedy around us . And it is really hard to just sit down and enjoy what we have in this fast paced craziness . But sometimes I do just that . I sit down with my children and look around , and thank God for my life . These moments just happen on random occasions and I realize that I have everything that I need right here . It is so easy to lose it . But when you see what some people are going through , your blessings become clear . I don 't know if most people would categorize infertility as a tragedy . But it sure did feel like it when I was going through it . And it hurt - - real physical pain . But the pain lost its sting as I healed . And God absolutely brought " great " out of bad . Nick and I sometimes reflect on what we would do without our three little blessings . What if we hadn 't pursued adoption ? What if we had missed out on two of the greatest blessings of our lives ? It would be heartbreaking . If you are going through a tragedy , know that God will bring good out of it . It may be real physical pain now , but it will begin to subside and give way to greatness . And if you are sailing smoothly through life at this moment - - soak it in ! Patience is a constant factor in life - - no matter where you are . You have to have patience with friends , family , spouses , kids , parents , coworkers . . . the list goes on . But I think that the most difficult patience is when you are waiting on God . I think that one of the most frustrating points in my journey was when I was begging God to just tell us what to do , because I did not know . I just wanted Him to give me an answer so that we could move ahead with our plan . What I didn 't realize was that I needed time to heal before I could move on to the next stage . God knew exactly what I needed . I thought that I was good - - don 't we always think that ? Someone asks you how you are . . . " I 'm good . " That is our programmed response . But are we really ALWAYS good ? No . In fact , most of the time I could have an hour long conversation about the trials of the day - - but no one really wants to hear about that . I had always wanted twins , and I got pretty close to that . Undercover twins , a cashier once dubbed them . ( Yet another one of those strange comments . . . ) Patience means a little something different to me now . It means not gritting my teeth down to the gums when Sister asks me the same thing over and over . ( Which brings me to a recent observation . It is a wonder that we don 't need dentures by the time our kids are school age . ) Or when Little Man won 't even let me walk down the hallway without tagging behind holding my shirt . Or when Linebacker climbs up on the table for the millionth time when I have repeatedly told him no . Our patience are tested all day long with work , friends , family , kids , spouses , kids , spouses , kids , spouses . . . you get the point . And it is really hard to step back at times and realize where you once were . . . waiting for an answer . As frustrated as I get sometimes with ' life ' , I cannot imagine how frustrated God must get with me . I know that I mess up daily , whether it be , " showing my teeth " , making wrong decisions , not following up on a conviction , etc . And God has the ability to take out his frustrations on us however he may see fit . But he doesn 't . He continues to love us and just asks that we trust him - - and be patient . Because he has great things in store for us . " But hope that is seen is no hope at all . Who hopes for what he already has ? But if we hope for what we do not yet have , we wait for it patiently . " - - Romans 8 : 24 - 25 So we had Little Man 's doctors visits done until we got home , and his birthmother signed her rights away 72 hours after his birth . Our social worker went to her home to get this signature . She told us later that all of the adults in the home smoked . Our birthmother lived with her mother and father , her daughter , one or two of her siblings , and their children . The social worker had a hard time breathing while she was there . I do not hate on smokers . In fact , I smoked a few cigarettes ' back in the day ' . But I was glad to know that my baby was not going to grow up in a smoke filled home . So now we had to go to court , and hope that the birthfather did not come forward after the ad was run in the newspaper . This was about the time that our contact , or better term , friend , had us over for dinner . That was so wonderful ! We had a home cooked meal , 4 boys loving all over our baby , and even a family dog ! It was such a welcome blessing after our cold hotel room living quarters ! Both of the social workers at the agency had gone above and beyond to help us . They had stayed with our birthmother from the time that she got to the hospital , until she was discharged . Their agency had a fundraiser at about this time , and they needed help . So Nick offered to help them valet people from their cars to the building . The agency also had a home on the campus where pregnant or new mothers could live and ' get back on their feet ' . So there was a night that Little Man and I stayed at the hotel while Nick helped shuttle people back and forth to the event . . . in the rain , I might add . We just wanted to thank them for all that they had done . And this came back to us tenfold . Months later , when we got a bill from them - - they had clocked somewhere along the lines of 32 hours with our birthmother . But they only charged us for 8 because of Nicks help , and a sponsorship that we bought for their calendar fundraiser . There was another night in there where we went to the ' house ' , and had dinner with a few of the mothers . One had a little girl that was theSo the court day came , and coincidentally , the second social worker was going to be in the courtroom that day because her niece was adopting a child . She would be a welcome face there . Nick and I got Little Man dressed , packed a bag , and headed to the courthouse . We walked up a long wooden staircase into the courtroom . There were a few families adopting older children , and then us . We were the last ones to go . We walked up to a table with a microphone and sat down . Our lawyer asked me some questions , which I answered , and then it was Nicks turn . He was holding Little Man . The lawyer asked him her first question and paused for him to answer . . . and then there was a loud reverberating sound . Everyone stopped and looked at Nick , who commented , ' That wasn 't me . ' Everyone laughed . Little Man had spoken for himself . It was a very funny moment in a very emotional time . We finished our questions and vows and the judge gave us a sweet little teddy bear for our new son . . . and he was legally ours . We still had to make sure that the birthfather didn 't come forward , and we would ' finalize ' the adoption in 6 months . . . with paperwork via mail . We would not have to come back . At this point we had been away from home for almost 2 weeks . We were simply waiting on all of the paperwork to be completed so that we could take our new little bundle home . It had to go from our lawyer and agency to the capital of his state , and then to the capital of our state . It was a Thursday , and we knew that no one would work on the weekend , so we started putting the press on . We COULD NOT be stuck there over the weekend ! So I started calling our agency at home to see what they could do , the agency paid extra to get paperwork overnighted to its home capital , then paid for it to be overnighted to our home state . . . and tracked it . So we were playing the waiting game . And believe me when I say that our bags were packed ! I was done with giving baths in the hotel sink , bottles in the tiny refrigerator , continental breakfasts in the hotel . DONE ! I was very thankful for everything . . . but I have never been that homesick in . my . life . I also really missed my daughter ! ! ! We were pretty much on the phone all day trying to get the paperwork on the right track . Nick was threatening to leave on Friday regardless . Of course we couldn 't do that . If you leave the state before the paperwork is approved , you have to start the process all over again . No . thank . you . The next morning I was on the phone again . . . where was the paperwork ? It had left the capital of his state , and was on the way to our home state . Later that day , we got the notification that it had arrived at the capital of Sweet Home Alabama . I called our contact with our agency there and asked if he had it . Once they had it , it had to be pushed through and approved before we could leave . Nick had the car loaded . . . It was a crazy few hours after that . They could not find the envelope . I was on the phone with the contact of our agency in Alabama , and he was walking the halls of the building looking in every mailbox for this package . . . and he could not find it ! That was the most helpless feeling EVER ! He finally asked , ' It 's in a manila envelope , right ? ' I called the agency down the street and asked specifically what type of envelope it was in . She had sent it in a BOX ! ! ! Help me , Jesus . . . I called him back and asked him to look for a box . Twenty minutes later he called me and he had found it ! ! ! Nick was pulling out of the hotel . We did start driving at this point , knowing that we could not pass the state line until all was ' legal ' . Our agency was putting our packet at the ' front of the line ' , and would call us . I was just praying that we would hear back before we got to the state line , because Nick had the taste of home in his mouth . We were approaching the state line when we got the call that we were , ' Good to go ! ' Freedom ! We drove straight to Nick 's parents ' house , 6 hours away . We loved on my daughter , introduced little man to the rest of the family there , and headed home . Within 2 hours we were home with our 2nd child . . . and there was nothing like that feeling . " There is no place like home . " - - Dorothy , from the Wizard of Oz Amy is an interior designer whose passion for design is now shared with a passion for her 3 children . She had a long journey through which she built her little family including adoption and a surprise blessing . Now she hopes to help others going through infertility and adoption , as it is a lifechanging and character building period of time . But it is just that , a period of time , which too shall pass . . . . on to better things ! |
Face didn 't say a word all the way back from Malaysia . He wasn 't tuned out , precisely ; if you spoke to him , he heard you . He 'd even do what you told him to , or at least he mostly did . But he didn 't talk . And that was worrying , because Face usually used words to hide behind , to keep things away and his image up . But now , he wasn 't talking . He just sat , unmoving , staring through the windshield into some place nobody else could see , let alone get to . Face had come up into the cockpit and sat in the copilot 's seat hours ago now . He 'd ignored Hannibal 's order to " get back here , lieutenant ; we 're not done yet , " and Murdock guessed Hannibal hadn 't really expected otherwise , since he 'd let the younger man do it . Face hadn 't said anything , but after a couple of hours he 'd managed a smile . Not a good one ; on his best days he 'd have scorned it . Hell , Murdock thought , glancing covertly at his best friend . It wasn 't one of anybody 's best days . It never was when you lost someone . Even BA , who 'd taken a long time to get to where he actually accepted having Frankie around , was more short - tempered than usual . Tranking him for the flight had been a pleasure , though Face hadn 't seemed to care if they flew the lovely little corporate jet Stockwell had sent , or took a banana boat back to California and then a Greyhound to Virginia . Hannibal and Murdock had had to do it , and if BA hadn 't been , in his own way , grieving , they probably couldn 't have , alone . So now Murdock was flying across the Pacific , that big empty stretch between Midway and the US , with a silent shadow in the copilot 's seat , and Hannibal was in the back , with a no more silent , unconscious BA . And Hannibal had to be feeling very bad about it . After all , it had been his plan , and Frankie had done just what he was supposed to . . . Plus , of course , Hannibal had known Frankie a lot longer than the rest of them had . You could even argue that it was his fault Stockwell had picked the young FX man for his gamepiece in the first place . Frankie had always been in over his head . Murdock was glad for the demands piloting was making on him . His own feelings weren 't sorting themselves out easily . He 'd liked Frankie , almost from the first . Sure , he 'd been pissed off when they 'd found out Frankie was Stockwell 's man , but he couldn 't help that , and he 'd busted his butt to help Murdock spring the guys . And he joined in Murdock 's games , like no one else ever had . Even Face , who 'd always taken him seriously , always acted as though Murdock was what he said , even to petting Billy the invisible dog , hadn 't made up names for himself and played along . . . Of course , most of the time Face had known him it hadn 't been games . And playing along would have been the wrong thing to do . Face knew . . . Murdock shot another covert glance at the blond man . It probably wasn 't necessary , but just because Face looked like he was lost in another world didn 't mean that the part of him that was always on guard wasn 't paying attention . Murdock didn 't want Face getting up and walking away from him , too . He wanted Face staying right where he was , so Murdock could take care of him when they got home . Face looked tired and in pain . Neither was something he generally let anyone see . Murdock knew it was a measure of Face 's trust in him that he wasn 't working to look normal . And that made him feel good , maybe too good considering . Smoke drifted through the rooms . Burning papers , secrets going up in flames , lives released to freedom as the winds scattered the smoke and ashes . Hannibal tossed the documents they were supposed to bring back to Stockwell on the fire and watched as they burned . " It would seem so , " Hannibal nodded , a smile playing on his lips . " Whatever that boy was into , Stockwell will just have to be satisfied that no one else can use him . I do love it " " Where 's Frankie ? " Face interrupted , his rifle resting on his shoulder as he scanned the large room and moved to the door to look into the next one . " Frankie ? " Murdock crossed over to look out into the garden through which Frankie was supposed to come . " Frankie ? " he called and then saw the two bodies crumpled under the Buddha . " Hannibal , " he said urgently . " Frankie ? " Face vaulted through the window , an involuntary sound of pain escaping him as he dropped onto the ground six feet below . He didn 't break stride , though . The others came , less precipitately , through the door . When they got to the statue , Face was kneeling on the ground , his rifle discarded beside him , his hand on Frankie 's bloody throat , feeling for breath , a pulse , life . . . They hadn 't lost a team member in what ? Fifteen years ? Sixteen ? ' Nam , anyway . All those years on their own , they 'd created a team that was truly greater than the sum of its admittedly eccentric parts . They 'd known each other so well , strengths and weaknesses , they could go into any situation , no time to prepare , and know what each was going to do . That virtually psychic bond had served them well , never let them down . Like one of BA 's beloved engines , well tuned and purring , the A Team had not only negotiated life 's curves , but flown them . Frankie had unbalanced them . There was no doubt of that . Given time enough , they could probably have learned to work that easily with him , maybe even turned out better for having him and his skills . But they hadn 't had that time . Stockwell hadn 't given it to them . . . Fate hadn 't . So now they had lost someone , and they were all thinking at least it was Frankie , and feeling very bad for thinking it . Except for Face . Murdock wasn 't sure what he was thinking , but he was pretty damned sure that wasn 't it . Though whatever it was didn 't seem to be making him feel any better . Why 'd it have to be Frankie ? was more like it . And maybe a Why wasn 't it . . . Murdock shook his head and then reached out and tapped a dial in case Face had noticed . He didn 't want to go there , didn 't want to follow that line of speculation anywhere at all . But he couldn 't help remembering three weeks ago , when they 'd come back from Comodoro Rivadavia . Face had been pissed as hell about the Little Sisters of Mercy , how they 'd lost so much and Stockwell wouldn 't lift a finger , or let them lift one , to help . He 'd damn near punched the general , and BA had had to manhandle him out of Stockwell 's office . . . " No , " Hannibal said . " When Face gets like this , it 's best to just leave him alone . He 'll cool off and calm down , and then you can talk to him . Right now , it 's a waste of time even to try . Pizza sounds good , BA . Murdock , you staying ? " BA shrugged ; he probably wouldn 't mind if Face did . He 'd viewed the growing closeness between the two with disapproval , though in the last half - year or so he 'd seemed to be more reconciled to it . Innately conservative , he hated anything that threatened the way things were , the way they worked well . He picked up the phone and dialed . Murdock listened while he ordered pizza , half of one with anchovies for Face , and then made up his mind . " I 'm gonna go bring Frankie back , " he said . " Maybe I can find him before he finds Faceman . " Face was sitting about where Murdock had thought he 'd be , on the garden wall looking out into the night . But the pilot was way too late to stop Frankie from finding him ; the Hispanic man was sitting next to Face , talking softly . Murdock couldn 't hear him , but Face was listening . And not biting . Murdock shrugged , though he couldn 't help feeling a bit hurt that Face would take from the newcomer what he wouldn 't take from him . Them . And then Frankie reached out and put his hand on Face 's cheek , gently , like a lover . And Face reached up and covered it with his own . And then they leaned in towards each other and kissed . Murdock had not wanted to watch , but he had not been able to look away . The gibbous moon had silvered Face 's torso when Frankie had pulled his shirt off , tousling that pale hair . A moment later and Face had desperately bared Frankie 's body for his hands and mouth , and they had moved off the wall to the grass behind it , away from Murdock 's view . Murdock still didn 't know how he felt about that secret . Or guessing that when Face and Frankie took off on one of their weekends slipping past Stockwell 's goons with contemptuous ease and disappearing for two or three days they weren 't just slipping the leash and hunting women . T ey were . . . they were with each other . H hadn 't told Hannibal though he probably should have . H wasn 't sure what the colonel 's reaction would be . H w could he be ? H wasn 't sure what his own was . 9 Hannibal had come down just on this side of amused the first time Face and Frankie had run off . They 'd said they were driving to McLean to see a movie , but Face had lost their tail and not gone to McLean at all . He 'd checked in with Hannibal by phone , saying they would be back Monday night , and call in just in case , and Hannibal had infuriated Stockwell by refusing to try to trace the calls . " That 's what he does , " Hannibal had said . " Being cooped up like a canary in a cage doesn 't suit hawks , you know , General . If he doesn 't get a little room to run , if you don 't mind my mixing my metaphors , one of these fine days he won 't come back at all . You know , he 's young enough another ten years on the run doesn 't bother him the way it does me and the sergeant . So I 'm inclined to give him this little vacation . " On the ground in Portland , Murdock stood , legs crossed and back against the partition , and waited until BA had finished his tirade . It was much shorter and much less vehement than usual ; Frankie 's body , left behind in Pontianak , was as much with them as if it had been strapped into one of the seats . " But I ain 't flyin ' to Virginia , " he finished . " No need , " Hannibal said . " We can take the train . Let Stockwell figure out how to get this jet back . " He stood up . " He gave us a house to use . Let 's get over there . " " Colonel , " Murdock finally spoke , straightening . " Why don 't you and BA go over to Amtrak , check out schedules and whatever ? I 'll take Faceman to the house and see if I can get him to get some sleep . " Hannibal nodded . He looked tired , too , and much older than his fifty - odd years . " Don 't let him out of your sight , Captain , " he said . " I 'm worried about him . " " He liked Frankie , " Murdock said . It sounded so inadequate , considering , but he didn 't think now was the time to give away Face 's secret . That time might come , especially if Face didn 't snap out of this daze after some sleep . . . Though ' daze ' wasn 't the right word for it , really ; he knew what was happening , he just didn 't seem to care . And that was the scariest part of it . Face always cared about being alive . He always had . He 'd come through a lot of crap in his life because of it . " Let me alone , " Murdock pulled loose from Face 's hand and stared out over the Pacific . The drop - off was a hundred feet or so , sheer bluff - edge down to the rocky beach . High enough . . . He rose up on his toes on the rock wall and leaned a little bit forward . Murdock considered that . Was Face scared ? He probably was , even though he didn 't sound like it . Or look like it , probably , if Murdock had been able to take his eyes off the setting sun and look . Murdock could count the number of times he 'd seen Face actually look scared on the fingers of one hand and have a couple left over , and all of them had been when he was a green little butterbar , incountry . . . he 'd learned to hide it , but nobody wasn 't scared there . But why would he be scared now ? He wasn 't on the wall . Murdock laughed . " No , it 's real . It 's always really real , Face , that 's the problem . Don 't you see that ? Right now I 'm not scared . . . right now it 's good . " " Oh , I 'm not gonna lose my balance , " he said , almost crooning . " I am on top of it , Face . I know what I 'm doing . If I go off , when I go off , I 'll mean to . " " Freedom . Nothing . The sky . . . What do you see ? " He was genuinely curious . Could Face see that blinding , spectacular beauty for what it was ? " I want to , Face . . . " And he did , more than almost anything . But something was pulling at him . " How can you see China ? Japan and Korea are in the way . " " We 're south of the P ' ai Tou Shan , and those Japanese mountains are nothing up by Yamagata . I know you want to , Murdock . Please , remember why you can 't . " Face didn 't hesitate ; he never had ; Murdock knew he never would . It was why he could ask . " Come down , then , " he said , reaching out and taking hold of Murdock 's bomber jacket sleeve . Murdock almost fell into his hold , trembling . The younger man wrapped his arms around him and slid down the wall to sit on the ground , pulling Murdock into a comprehensive embrace of arms and legs and spirit . He pressed the pilot 's head against his own heart , rubbing his other hand up and down his back . " It 's going to be all right , " he said softly . " It 'll be all right some day . It will . You 'll see , Murdock . You 'll be glad you came back . " Murdock wished he could hold Face like that and drive away his demons , if only for a little while . He knew he 'd never have made it , no matter how good the therapy was , if he hadn 't had the team waiting . If Face hadn 't kept coming to see him , to remind him what was waiting when he finally got through the demon - haunted nightland he 'd been trapped in for so long . Face had been the golden light he 'd chased . . . and if sometimes he 'd fled Face , unable to tell if he was actually the man or some evil phantasm disguised as him , come to torment him with his own weaknesses , Face , the real Face , had always come and found him . But now he couldn 't return the favor . Even if Face had wanted it from him , he didn 't know how . He didn 't have Face 's strength . " No , " he said . " Just kind of tired myself . Plus , Face is hurting worse than I . . . " The sentence trailed off as he realized he didn 't know how to finish it . Hannibal nodded . " That 's true . Well , the sooner you get him to bed , the better . Come on , BA . We won 't pick up tickets today , but we can look at the schedule and give you some time alone . " Murdock watched them walk across the tarmac . Then he ducked into the cockpit . It was too bad they had to leave this nifty little jet . . . hell , just because BA wouldn 't fly didn 't mean he and Face couldn 't fly to Virginia . They could spend a few days here , let Face recover some , and get to the East Coast before Amtrak could deliver the other two . He 'd suggest it to Hannibal . " Face ? " he said . He didn 't get an answer , but the younger man looked up at him . The raw misery in those blue eyes grabbed at Murdock 's heart . " Come on , Face , " he said softly . " Let 's get away from here . " After a long moment , Face nodded and stood up . He followed Murdock like he didn 't particularly care where they were going . Murdock gave Stockwell 's cover account for the jet 's maintenance and refueling , and then decided to take a cab instead of mess with a rental car . He bundled Face into the taxi and gave the driver the address and sat in silence for the ride . He and Face could be quiet together , but this was different . . . He didn 't like it . " Don 't worry , " Murdock said . " I 'm gonna be here . You get in bed , I 'll be right back . " He ducked across the hall and returned with a glass of water . Face had done what he was told ; his jeans , shirt , and shoes lay where he 'd dropped them , very unlike his usual neat self . Murdock suppressed a sigh ; it was progress . He tried not to look at the body displayed before him , clad only in briefs . " Take this , " he said , holding out the pill and the glass . " I said I would , and I will . Don 't worry . " Murdock hesitated a moment , and then said a silent hell with it and sat down on the edge of the bed . Face 's hand reached out and Murdock took it . " Murdock , we got to do things . " He didn 't open his eyes , but apparently now that he 'd started talking he didn 't see any reason to stop again . Murdock half wished he hadn 't given him the pill so soon . Face sighed . When he spoke again , his voice was already slurred . No food for three days , Murdock remembered , as well as no sleep . . . he was going down fast and hard . " Mur ' ock ? " What was that ? Grandmother , he thought . " Sure , Face , " he said , " we 'll go . " He didn 't think Hannibal would approve ; he knew Stockwell wouldn 't . And Murdock repeated his assurance . " We 'll go . We will . " He didn 't think it was such a good idea himself , though for a different reason . He wasn 't at all sure an old Catholic Hispanic lady was going to want to meet her grandson 's lover . Maybe he could talk Face out of mentioning that , if he was thinking about it . Just explaining how they knew Frankie was dead was going to be hard enough . But he could hear it in Face 's voice , tired and slurred and faint though it was : this was non - negotiable . When Hannibal and BA pulled into the driveway in a rental car , Murdock was in the kitchen . " Didn 't ? " he said , throwing a pan into the sink and turning on the water with a little more force than necessary . " Didn 't ? You didn 't love him ? Face , how could you ? You 're not that big a slut , are you ? You can 't be . . . Didn 't ? Then what 's this self - immolation act ? Didn 't ? " He shut up as the door opened but not , apparently fast enough . " He better not think about not payin ' for that no more , " said BA with palpable menace . " Frankie done everything he was told . He earned that . Ain 't that right , Hannibal ? " " Good , " Hannibal said with satisfaction . " A silent Face is a worrisome thing . But Frankie 's father 's long - term health - care isn 't enough to explain the flying kitchen equipment . " He hiked an eyebrow . Murdock sighed . He 'd given it some thought and he doubted they could talk Face out of it . Hannibal could try if he wanted . " Frankie 's grandmother lives there . He wants to see her . " " I ain 't flyin ' , " said BA with a growl . " An ' that 'll add a week to the trip . More . If the train even goes where she lives . " " She lives in Miami , which is about sixty miles from Phoenix . No problem , Hannibal : we take the jet to Scottsdale , rent a car for the afternoon , and then fly on to the East Coast . And , " he added before BA could speak again , " you and BA go ahead and take the train , and that way Face and me won 't be any longer getting back than you two . " Hannibal shook his head . " I 'll talk to him about it . But if he won 't change his mind , I like your idea . Stick with him , Murdock . " BA asked , " Just what that fool planning on saying to Frankie 's nana , anyway ? ' I was with your grandson in Malaysia on a secret mission for the guvmint , but they won 't even admit he dead , let alone he work for them . ' That ain 't no good . " Murdock shrugged , looking at the water to see if it was boiling yet . " I don 't know . I don 't know if he knows . All I know is , he 's going to go . " So three days later Murdock sat beside Face as they drove along a long , mostly empty , rough , unmaintained , two - lane road east from Scottsdale . . . much too fast . Face had rented a convertible at the airport , and the top was down , the wind blowing through his tawny hair and threatening to steal Murdock 's hat . At least it was fall , and not a hundred and ten . Just like old times , he thought suddenly , thinking of Billy . But Face had always acted as if Billy were perfectly real , just invisible . He wedged his back into the corner between the seat and the door as if getting more room for his longer , lanky legs , and looked at Face and really wished he hadn 't seen him and Frankie in the garden that night . Face glanced at him . Despite the sunglasses , Murdock could read the expression clearly : You okay ? Everything all right ? He grinned at his friend and stretched his arms . Face quirked his lips in a slight smile and turned his attention back to the road , reassured . It had been that way between them almost since the beginning , Murdock reflected , seeing Face returning to his usual role , care - giver not - getter . Probably not more than six whole months of their relationship had been the other way around . Face grounded him , chased away his demons , and was in general there for him . It made it hard . How many years before he 'd even heard the term ' transference ' ? How many more before he understood what was going on . . . It was dark . The night was close and hot and the air was thick , and just beyond his vision things were moving . No , dancing . Laughing just outside of what people could hear , but he could hear them . They were coming for him . The team was hiding off the path , but demons don 't need paths . And they see in the dark . And Hannibal thought they were ordinary VC . . . they would take him again and . . . he was trying to stay quiet , because he knew , somewhere inside himself , that things weren 't as he thought they were , but he whimpered . He couldn 't help it . And then the lieutenant was next to him , touching his shoulder soothingly . " Hey , Murdock , " he said quietly , " it 's okay . Nothing 's here . " Murdock hesitated . It wasn 't lack of trust , but how could a kid like this stop what was out there ? Peck caught his chin in his hand and pulled his head around so that Murdock was looking right into the kid 's blue eyes . He was startled at the fire there . Peck pulled Murdock up close to his body , wrapping his legs around Murdock 's hips and his arms around Murdock 's back . " Nothing can get you . You have to be quiet , and I 'll keep everything away . Deal ? " Murdock nodded once , convulsively . Peck pulled him tight , his throat against Murdock 's ear , and a small almost purring sound , not audible a foot away , came from him . Murdock tightened his hold and felt the demons falling back . He knew he 'd always be safe within the kid 's arms . The kid was tough and he wouldn 't let anything get to him . Ever . . . Murdock sighed to himself . It had taken him almost fourteen years to sort out his feelings for Face , to learn to be best friends again , and then , after nearly a year on a nice even keel , nothing popping up to disturb him , he 'd run across Face and Frankie in the garden and everything shifted . Now , once again , he had no idea what was going on inside him . Life just wasn 't fair sometimes . The back road , which they were taking on general principles , had been described to them as " guaranteed to whack out the alignment on a wussy car " . Face had grinned at the gal at the gas station and said , " It 's not my car . " Now , as the convertible began jolting up the short scrubby mountains in a way that probably meant it would need realignment , Murdock suddenly laughed . Face took his eyes off the road for a moment and grinned at him , changing gears and attacking the mountain with a little extra glee . Murdock laughed again . What had Dr . Richter always said ? If you want fair , you 're in the wrong universe . And this is the only one I know of , so . . . . And life wasn 't fair . After all , what was fair about a life that had Face in it to begin with ? What was fair about a skinny , balding , mentally unstable guy like him having Face for a best friend ? Nothing . . . not a damn thing . Rejoice in the general unfairness of the universe , he reminded himself . He sat back in the seat and enjoyed the scenery . He didn 't think of Arizona as having lakes , but they passed four or five on the way . The road was a mess , twenty - five miles of dirt , but Face was enjoying himself . As long as they didn 't break an axle . . . Murdock didn 't feel like hiking to Miami . A hawk floated in the sky , sailing the wind , and Murdock watched him for a while . It felt good to be in equilibrium again . He didn 't know how long it would last , probably just till they met Frankie 's grandmother , but for the moment , life was good once more . They found the house with no problems . It was on the outskirts of the town most of the town was outskirts and it had a stretch of rocky , wild garden out behind it . F ce pulled up in front and sat there , looking at the little house from behind his shades . " Yes , we do , " Face replied . " At least , I do . " He climbed out of the convertible . Murdock followed . Face took a deep breath , pulled off his sunglasses , and rang the doorbell . The woman who opened it looked about ninety . She was tiny and rail - thin , with large black eyes and hair with just enough color in the grey to show it had been black , too . Her skin was the same copper as Frankie 's had been , though otherwise there was no real resemblance . " Yes ? " she asked . " I 'm not selling my land , " she said , and then paused . " But you aren 't trying to buy , are you ? " She flicked her eyes at Murdock then back to Face . " Come in . What can I do for you boys ? " Face followed her inside and Murdock brought up the rear , shutting the door . " Sit , " she said , pointing at the couch and perching on a chair . " Now , tell me why you 're here . " " Yes , ma ' am , " Face said . " He died a week ago , almost . I 'm sorry , I can 't tell you any details . But I thought you should know . " " He wrote me , a few times , after he left Los Angeles , " she said , putting a hard G in the word . " He told me he was not supposed to , and all the letters had different postmarks , sometimes foreign cities . He never told me anything about what he was doing , but he told me about his friends . John , and BA , and Murdock , " she looked at him , and then back at Face , " and Temple . I think he was doing something a little illegal , for his father . Not so very illegal , because he was a good boy . But a little bit . " She rose and patted him gently on the shoulder . " He was very fond of you . Of both of you , " she added . " I will bring some tea . " When she came back she brought not only tea , but some cake . And when Face asked about Frankie as a boy , revealing that he 'd spent several years here when his father 's illness was starting to take hold , something Murdock hadn 't known , she produced a photo album . She and Face sat on the couch and looked at it , Murdock taking her chair and listening to the stories . After a while he decided that he wasn 't mistaking the undertone in her voice : she knew about Frankie and Face . It would be easier for them to talk if he wasn 't there , and Face wasn 't likely to tell her anything she didn 't already know , so Murdock asked if he could look at her garden . She nodded and smiled , and he went outside . After about twenty minutes , while he was watching some little birds flitting around in the bushes , he caught sight of Face coming outside . The blond man walked to the far end of the garden , the set of his shoulders telling Murdock he wanted to be left alone for a few minutes . Murdock blinked at him , and then went back inside . " He loved him , " she said simply , her eyes fixed on his face . And then , as Murdock swallowed and tried to think of the right thing to say , she added , " My grandson loved Temple , I mean . And now , you and I , I think we need to talk about the living . " " Come , " she said , gesturing for him to sit at the table . She joined him and said , " It was me he came to , when he was sixteen and his body reacted to handsome young cowboys riding past on horses , or in the backs of trucks . I know what he was like . I told him , it was of God as all things good , and love is good , are from God , but he had to be careful who he told it to . He wasn 't always as careful as he could have been , I think , in Los Angeles , but he learned that his old grandmother knew better . . . He wrote to me that Temple was shot by some men who were trying to rob a restaurant where he and Temple were eating , and that was when he knew he was in love . " Murdock remembered that . He 'd never forget it as long as he lived . Face 's life 's blood running out onto the kitchen floor and Frankie and he both trying their damnedest to get the upper hand on the men , who were not there to rob the place but to assassinate the attorney general , who had a reservation . Time running out like Face 's life . . . God , how he 'd wished for BA or Hannibal instead of Frankie , someone whose moves he didn 't know , who didn 't know him . . . Frankie had been almost frantic , he remembered . So that was when it started . . . " Excuse me ? " Murdock said . Had Face told her . . . why would he do that ? And it couldn 't be true , anyway . Face hadn 't gone into that tailspin over a casual bed - partner . . . " My grandson said , in his letters , that Temple didn 't love him . He hoped that in time that would change , that he loved Temple so much . But Temple , he said , loved someone else , and he was a second choice because the first choice wasn 't interested . He didn 't mind that , being second choice , as long he was chosen . But I think he was wrong . Wasn 't he ? " She reached out and patted his hand . " I 'm blunt . It 's my right , I 'm ninety - four . I 've earned it . You love him . He 's in pain . " She took hold of his hand and shook it . " Fix it . " " Fix it , " she repeated . " I don 't know how men do these things , but you and he , my grandson said , are very close . You will have to talk to him , find out why he is in such pain , and take it away . That is what love is for , isn 't it ? " She stood up . " I 'm very grateful to you that you came to tell me about my grandson . Now I will not be waiting for his letters and worrying about him . He 's at rest . The living need us now . Go on . " Murdock found himself standing looking out the window in the back door . Face was standing out by the fence in the midafternoon sun . He might welcome somebody now , but Murdock doubted he was ready for . . . what ? A declaration of love ? Murdock wasn 't even sure he was ready to make one . Just go let him know he 's not alone . Like he 'd do for you . Worry about the rest of it later . He reached to open the door and his eye was caught by a Stetson hanging on the wall . " Mrs . Yazzie , " he said , " may I ? For Temple ? " The name sounded odd to him ; Face was , well , Face . Or Templeton in full to the rest of the world . . . " Don 't even make me explain to Hannibal how you got sunstroke , " Murdock said . They stood in silence for a few minutes . " Whacha lookin ' at , Face ? " Murdock looked up . When he looked back down he spotted another flicker of movement . " There 's two rabbits , Face , " he said . " One of ' em 's gonna die , and one of ' em 's not . But it won 't be his fault , which one the hawk picks . " " The hawk comes down like lighting , " Murdock said . " It 's an act of God . The living don 't bear the blame . That 's true , " he heard himself adding , " whether the hawk is Death , or Love . " Murdock put his hand on the younger man 's shoulder . " Let 's go , " he said softly . " I don 't want to be on that road in the dark . " Face watched the hawk for another moment , and then looked for the other rabbit but couldn 't find it . After a few minutes he nodded . " Okay , " he said . " Come on . " Back in Virginia Face flashed one of his best grins and convinced Hannibal that all he 'd needed was some rest . Not quite that easily , of course , but the colonel wanted to believe it , so he wasn 't as hard to convince as he might have been . He 'd been annoyed that Frankie had written letters to his grandmother " What did you expect , Hannibal ? " A had growled at him . Fool wasn 't trained right . ever did understand need to know . " but had accepted it because it meant Face hadn 't anything to tell her she didn 't already know . F ce had turned in early that night , and Hannibal had grilled Murdock , who 'd decided to back anything Face said . H 'd also decided to hang around as much as possible . I was easy , as he was between jobs at the moment , on account of going to Malaysia . H nnibal and BA didn 't mind him being around . F ce spent two days avoiding him and then gave it up . T ere was still a tension between them that hadn 't been there before , but since Face didn 't seem inclined to pursue it , Murdock had time to think . 1 So Frankie had thought Face was in love with Murdock , not him ? That can 't have been much fun for him , even if he had Face in his bed . . . Now that was a thought . He 'd gotten over having those thoughts , or at least admitting he was having them , years ago . Now , all at once , it was as though he was suddenly licensed to have them . First , realizing that Face was open to it and then being told that Face loved him . . . and all of it pivoting on Frankie 's death . Which made it really hard to deal with it . Because it was like being glad that Frankie was dead . And he wasn 't . Or didn 't want to be , at least . And it was pretty clear that Face wasn 't . Even if he 'd meant what he 'd said about not loving him , he 'd been fond of him . If not more . Because Face wasn 't really that casual . Oh , god knew , he slept around . He found it very easy to ask and very hard to say no , because he found it impossible to be alone . But he didn 't have long - term relationships , except with the team . He 'd only once or twice ever even thought about being with a woman for more than a few dates , and then , both times , he 'd been thinking forever . He was a forever kind of guy . Murdock blinked at that , looking at the blond where he was sitting on the couch watching an old movie . That sounded so unlikely , but it was true . Face was a forever kind of guy . When there was no chance of it , he didn 't look for it , but it was what he wanted . If Frankie had offered him that , being fond of him would have been enough for Face . He 'd have . . . he 'd have made do . Like he had most of his life . Now Murdock felt himself getting angry . Not at Frankie , no ; Frankie had loved Face , done his best to make him happy . A little at Face , maybe , for settling , but more at Fate or Life or God for teaching Face he had to settle . And a lot at himself , for not understanding soon enough . But , as Dr . Richter had taught him , that was the past . The past is a lesson but it 's not a choice . Don 't try to remake it , Murdock . Focus on the future . He turned that idea over in his mind , and realized he 'd come to the answer about his own feelings . It wasn 't transference and it wasn 't friendly and it very definitely wasn 't fraternal . He wanted Face . He wanted to take the misery out of his eyes and make them laugh again . He wanted to hold him and make him feel safe and wanted , the way he 'd always made Murdock feel . He wanted . . . forever . With Face . Murdock got up and walked over to Face . Hannibal and BA had gone to the range ; Face had begged off . Hannibal had given him a little grief about it , but had finally said , " Next time , Lieutenant , you are coming . And you 'd damned well better shoot perfect . " Face flinched , though you 'd have to know him as well as Murdock to see it . Almost on top of it he sighed . " Don 't be an idiot , " he said . " Okay . What movie do you want to see ? " " Hey , " said Murdock once they were in the car . " I 've got an idea . . . Let 's go where you and Frankie used to . " Face turned and looked at him . Murdock held his eyes steadily . Face swallowed and started the car . " That might not be such a good idea , " he said . " Okay , " Face said , taking his silence for consent . " But it 's not easy to get there . And we have to buy beer . I 'm not going without beer . " The radio came on when Face started the engine . " love you forever , forever and ever , amen . s long as old men sit and talk about the weather , as long as old women sit and talk about old men . f you 're wondering how long " Murdock reached over and turned it off . . " I told him not to do that , " Face said finally . He reached out and pushed a button and then turned the radio back on , and this time it was Frankie Valli , not Randy Travis . Carefully he put the truck in gear and pulled out of the garage where it had been parked . Murdock sat back and let him drive . They got on 50 and headed across the Bay Bridge . Murdock couldn 't contain his glee at that , but by then Face was ready to respond again , so it worked out . Across the bridge Face turned south and drove , occasionally pointing out landmarks . It was a good four hours , all told , before they got to the turnoff back towards the Shore . A teenaged girl on a bike waved at them . " Hey , Mr . Hard , you back ? Been a wole . . . Who 's at ? " " It 's supposed to be good day for it tomorrow , " Face grinned . " Some accent , huh ? And hers isn 't even that bad . You should hear her father . " He laughed and added , " My name 's Howard , by the way . " But he stopped smiling when he parked the truck by the small house . The view across the Chesapeake was spectacular . Without saying a word , Face got out of the truck and grabbed one of the twelve - packs from the back and walked down to sit on the dock . Murdock picked up the box of take - out Roy 's chicken and followed him more slowly ; by the time he got there , Face had a beer half finished . Face stared at it , and then shrugged and took a leg . " Look at that sunset , " he said . " You know the nice thing about the Eastern Shore ? The sun sets over the water . . . you can think you 're back in California . " Face sighed , and then , suddenly , he was trembling all over . Without conscious thought Murdock reached for him , pulling him into his arms . Face came willingly , holding to Murdock 's shirt under his jacket and resting his forehead on Murdock 's shoulder . " Must be hell to lose someone you love , " Murdock said . " I 've been so lucky so far . " He rubbed his hand on Face 's back . " No , it 's not . " Face pulled away . " I was so glad , just for a moment , that it wasn 't . . . He loved me . What kind of man thinks like that ? " " It 's all right , Face , " Murdock pulled him back and tightened his hold . " It 's all right . It 's not your fault he 's dead , you didn 't even wish it before it happened . It 's just survivor guilt , Face , take my word for it . I know . I know . . . A little odd , maybe , but hey , why not odd ? " He rubbed Face 's back , his other in the tawny hair . " It 's okay , Face , " he said . " It 's okay . I love you and I 'm not letting you get lost . I 've got you . . . " And the sun fell into the Bay while they sat there , and the darkness came up around them . But Murdock wasn 't afraid of the dark any more ; Face had shown him the way out . And he remembered it , even if , just at the moment , Face didn 't . |
By the time I was twelve , I was paying pretty close attention to the sermons in Church . Now , I was raised in the Church of Christ , so lots of the sermons seemed to be about what was wrong with the Baptists , Methodists , " holy - rollers " , and . . . worst of all . . . CATHOLICS ! . . . otherwise known as " the antichrist " . But sometimes a preacher would talk about heaven . Many of the hymns we sang were about heaven 's streets of gold and mansions . * disclaimer : I 'm not trying to put down the Church of Christ . I wouldn 't trade my upbringing for that of anybody else . I still love a cappela singing , too . I 'd try my best to picture the golden streets , but usually became bored after a few seconds because it just didn 't sound that great to me . Even today it doesn 't . I 've never longed for a mansion . . . too much upkeep ! OK , if you 're rich enough for a mansion , I suppose you can afford a maid , but I don 't want that either , because hired house - keepers and maids will gossip , and I live in a small community where gossip spreads quickly . If you have shared a secret with one or two people in a small town , you may as well assume the whole town knows it now . But I digress . The gold streets ? Seriously , does that sound like fun to you ? If my horse Blue is waiting for me in heaven , I hope he has wings , because he 'd slip and slide down every hill on streets of gold . As I grew older , I painted a picture in my own mind of what I wanted heaven to be , and doggoned if it didn 't end up looking a lot like where I live right now . Lately , even that scenario has changed , although I still like to think of my home as a little piece of heaven , clutter and all . These days I want to go to Grandma 's house when I die . I hope she has a house on 40 acres in heaven that looks and feels just like the home she had in Harrison County , Missouri . The silence was amazing there . She lived off the beaten path with very few cars passing . and if one did , all you heard was the crunch of gravel . She never had a television , although she had a couple of " soaps " she listened to on the radio in the afternoon . She crocheted while she listened to them , because she wasn 't one to sit and do nothing ( I didn 't inherit that trait ) . I 'd walk outside and wander through the woods across the road and wade in the creek , talking to myself occasionally ( I stopped wading in the creek after the leeches , though ) . I 'd walk down the road to Zion Church of Christ and walk right in , because it was never locked up ; on a hot summer day it felt about ten degrees cooler than outside . When I saw a path leading into somebody 's field , I 'd follow it to see where it would take me , never thinking about the fact I might be on private property . I strolled around Grandma 's pasture , seeing the cows graze . In the evening as the sun set , Whippoorwills called to one another . What a wonderful sound ! Grandma , like most grandmothers back then , wore her hair in a bun , but when it was almost bedtime she 'd let her hair down and brush it . Just before bed she liked to read a chapter from the Bible , and then she 'd write in her diary something like this : " Was hot . Donna is here . Picked green beans today . " And I 'd go to sleep in a feather bed , worn out from my travels , anticipating a new tomorrow . Yeah . When I die , I just want to go to Grandma 's house . I 've been struggling to find anything lately to blog about , but one of my readers , Mary , left a comment here today that has given me a topic . Here it is : " Donna , you sometimes write as if you think of yourself as a person with antisocial & rude tendencies . Having read your blog for years ( I still think of you as Mosie ) , your actions never bear that out . Perhaps you feel awkward at times among others who you believe are OTHERS , but still you appear to be a nice & even generous person who happens to view herself too harshly . " Now , you can tell from the tone of the comment that this lady is a kind and considerate person . From what I 've seen of her ( she 's a former blogger who just recently began blogging again ) she is someone I wouldn 't mind meeting . I was going to respond to her by email , but as I say , I 'm in a dry spell here in this Blogger jungle and I 'm grasping at straws . I 'm not so sure I 've ever referred to myself as antisocial , although I have tendencies in that direction , especially in winter . And much of the time when I 'm rude , it 's accidental . I AM a loner and introvert , but half the population is introverted to some extent , according to the Internet sources , some folks more so than others . Here 's an example of how I can be rude without realizing it . When I 'm out shopping , I put myself in a bubble . My own daughter could walk right past me and I wouldn 't know it , because I deliberately shut people out when I 'm in a crowd . That 's how I deal with it . I sometimes don 't speak to people I know ( because I don 't see them ) , so I 've been considered stuck - up . I 'm one of those people who gets in your way in a crowded aisle because I don 't even realize people are there wanting to get past me . Standing in the checkout line , I will stand daydreaming and crowd the person ahead of me without ever knowing it ; when Cliff is with me , he 'll tell me what I 'm doing and I 'll back off . The other day he wasn 't with me in Walmart and I caught myself pushing my cart farther ahead than I should have , barely giving the poor lady ahead of me room to use her debit card . When I realized what I was doing I said , " Oh , I 'm so sorry I 've been crowding you . Sometimes I just get in my own little world . I 'm sorry . " And I backed up . " I really am so sorry , " I said . She grumbled something else , paid for her purchase , and left . I felt terrible about it , but the customer behind me in line said , " Well , I accept your apology in her place . " The lady at the register agreed with her . Of course , I was embarrassed , but their kind comments helped . " Oh well , we don 't know what that lady is going through today , do we ? " I said , and made a mental note to pay more attention to those around me at the checkout . Better yet , I 'll make sure Cliff goes in with me . Now , about my being such a WONDERFUL person . . . you 've never met me . Of course I 'm not going to write in my blog about the hissy - fit I threw at some friend or relative , or the way I pout and won 't speak to folks sometimes when I 'm mad . Anybody who 's known me personally for very long has seen that only - child side of me more than once . It 's there in the background all the time . I don 't mention it on my blog when Cliff and I have a disagreement , unless I can put some funny or positive spin on it . Few people are going to air their dirty laundry on a public blog . So perhaps I do come off looking better than I really am . I 'm not such a bad person , but I often don 't deal well with people . Somewhere along the line I decided to be myself and accept who I am , because I don 't know how to be anyone else . And since I do accept myself , sometimes I make light of my faults here on the blog . I don 't feel I 'm putting myself down . Of all the Apostles in the Bible , Peter is my favorite because he was always sticking his foot in his mouth , just like me . I figure if Jesus could put up with Peter , He ought to be able to accept me too . Just remember , Mary , you don 't know anybody if you 've only seen them online . I sometimes refer to my peculiar ways to keep things honest . I don 't want to be guilty of painting myself as perfect , wonderful , generous . . . of course I have good points . And I have some bad ones you haven 't even guessed at . I 'm human . Thanks for the input , my friend . I missed your comments during the years you were gone , and I 'm happy to have you back . Peace . Roads were icy , church was cancelled . I can 't seem to settle down to reading a book lately , but I watched more TV in the last two days than I usually watch in two weeks ' time . We have Netflix , thanks to the grandson 's generosity in letting us use his account , and Amazon Prime video because it comes with our Amazon account . So there are plenty of options . If I were the only one here ( thank God I 'm not ) , I would get rid of Direct TV , but Cliff loves football and hates watching commercials , and I 'm not going to take away his main pastime as long as we can afford it . Saturday as we sat listening to sleet pecking against the windows , I mentioned " Smoky and the Bandit " ; we agreed we 'd both like to watch it again . Netflix didn 't have the movie , but on Amazon we could rent it for 24 hours for $ 3 . 99 . Cliff said , " That 's nothing . Go ahead , let 's watch it . " It was worth it . I watched Pulp Fiction at some point while Cliff was watching football . Netflix has a remake of " One Day at a Time " , a show I enjoyed in the ' 70 's ; I 've fallen in love with the new version . It 's much better than the old one ! I mentioned this on Facebook and a friend suggested I watch " Alive Inside " , a Netflix documentary . which I confess was the best thing I watched all weekend . People living in rest homes who hadn 't responded positively to anything in years came alive when they heard familiar music from their past . Very touching . I told my Facebook friend that I 'll now stop worrying about dementia and start making a list of songs I think will bring me to life : the old hymns people hardly sing any more , plenty of folk songs , and some classic country . Seriously , if you get a chance , watch the movie . We loved it . Netflix has many fantastic documentaries . I enjoy some of the stand - up comics , too . I 've loved good stand - up comedy ever since " The Danny Thomas Show " in the 50 's . I 'd watch the show each week in hopes they 'd show Danny doing his routine in a night club , even though there was never more than two or three minutes 's of it . It 's raining this morning , which means we probably won 't have Cora for at least a couple of days . Rain puts her daddy out of work . I recall when Cliff worked construction jobs how I hated never knowing how much money was coming in . I try not to even think about the political climate right now because there are things I can 't control that make me very uneasy . Let 's just say I 'm scarThe fox I hadn 't seen since before the last snow appeared in our back yard yesterday . I was relieved to see him , but a little nervous that he was so close , knowing how foxes like chicken dinners . A friend told me it 's their mating season , so perhaps he was looking for a girl friend instead of lunch . That 's all I have today . God bless us every one . Here 's a song I can 't get enough of lately . The local news stations have had a blast predicting Icemagadden all week long . It was originally supposed to start on Thursday and last throughout the weekend . Here it is Saturday and yes , we do finally have ice . It isn 't a heavy coating that would cause power lines to break , but it could certainly cause an older person to break if she ( I ) slipped on it . I sprinkled dry laundry detergent on the back deck and steps so I can safely get to the grassy areas of the yard , where I 'm not likely to have a problem walking . A Facebook friend reported that her husband saw cars off the road due to slickness . We 're scheduled to receive a larger amount of ice tonight and into tomorrow . That means filling containers with water just in case , because when the power goes out , we have no water available . Just one of the joys of living in the country with a well for your water supply . I have weaned our two steers , so of course they think they 're dying of starvation while putting away about half - a - bushel of grain ( calf starter ) and half a bale of the best alfalfa hay I 've ever seen . In another week they 'll be three months old . No more mixing up milk replacer twice a day ! The tickets have been purchased for my trip to Cozumel with my daughter and her husband . We won 't be staying at a fancy resort , but with a longtime friend of theirs . To be honest , I think I 'll feel more comfortable with that type of lodging than I would with a fancy resort where I 'd be constantly embarrassing myself and my family with my lack of " class " . I am going to have to buy a swimming suit , and I don 't look forward to that . I don 't go around mirrors much these days . ( You don 't need to click on that link . I just happened to remember a song title as soon as I typed that last phrase , and put the link there for my own benefit . ) My only outside chores now : Make sure the barn cats have food and water , keep the calves in hay and ( unfrozen ) water and feed them grain twice a day , and tend to the chickens . Only one of my pullets is still laying ; I guess the sub - zero temperatures discouraged the others , because normally pullets lay eggs throughout their first winter . I suppose that one egg costs me about $ 3 if you figure in the cost of chicken feed . But I don 't keep chickens to save money , I just enjoy them . Even though there are only four of them , they do dispose of a lot of our table scraps . They especially enjoy stale bread . For some reason I can 't attract desirable birds to my feeders , just sparrows for the most part . Since those sparrows eat a large share of the chicken feed when I leave the chicken house door open , I don 't feel inclined to watch them eat up all my song - bird seeds , so I 'll probably give up on attracting wild birds this year . I hung out a couple of those thistle - sacks that used to draw finches here , but haven 't seen a single finch at them . I imagine the problem is that I haven 't put any feeders out for two or three years and the birds gave up on me . That 's all I have for this morning . Here 's hoping our power lines don 't go down . Now I 'll just hunker down and try to stay safe . In 1977 my children were eight and ten years old , and I decided I 'd do well to get a job , after staying home with my kids for so long . We lived on the same property as now , so we were pretty much " in the boonies " . Cliff said , " You aren 't going to hold down a job . ( I think he was afraid to get his hopes up ) It 's been so long since you held down a job , and you can 't even drive . How would you even get to work ? " At that time there were several factories in Lexington , eight miles away . I called a neighbor , Rosie , and asked her about those places and whether she knew anybody working at any of them that wouldn 't mind having a paying rider . Indeed , she did ! That 's how I met my friend Carol , as loyal a friend as I 've ever had . She 'd been left a widow with four kids , and any extra money would be a blessing to her . She was always on time and never missed work . I had a job at Whitaker Cable ! My job classification was " forming operator " . A conveyor went round and round : Each person had a wire or two to put in place , and toward the end , people taped the wires in such a way that the cable was all there , ready to become a vital part of a shiny new car . If you 've ever worked at a conveyor , you know that it takes teamwork : If you get behind , it puts everybody past you behind , and those people aren 't usually too happy with that situation . It was my first day ; I hadn 't held down a job in over ten years : I started out behind and stayed behind . I fought back tears . The only thing that kept me there was Cliff 's statement , " You aren 't going to keep a job " replaying in my head . The people on my left were unaffected by my slowness , but I was holding up the line for the people on my right . Fortunately , the two ladies on my right had tasted of the milk of human kindness and began helping lay my wires , as well as doing their own part of the work . I can see them in my mind 's eye now , although I only recall the name of one of them : Sue Hufford . They said not a word , just pitched in and helped me out . Within a week I was doing it all by myself . It wasn 't until two or three years later I learned how cruel people can be . We were all working in one area , close enough to converse , and one woman said , " Remember how we used to try and make people quit on their first day at work ? We 'd let them get so far behind they 'd just walk out . " I had learned to like some of these ladies who were laughing at the discomfort they had caused others , so I was speechless . Thank God for those two ladies He placed to the right of me , because had it not been for them , I would have been one of those who walked out in the first hour of working at Whitaker Cable . Thank God for nice people , and may He help me forgive the ladies on the left . I truly wish this memory had stayed buried , but maybe it will serve as a reminder to me to " be the nice one " . Peace ! In the previous entry , I addressed the fact that the electric fence was down and we needed to move the horses away from where they were , which was with the calves , eating their expensive feed and hay . Cliff 's method is to chase the horses from one place to another , using an off - road vehicle if necessary , to guide them along . That 's a process that can be fun for the horses , who consider it a game , and frustrating for the people chasing them . My methods are those I learned from books written by Mark Rashid that I stumbled onto when I first bought Blue , " Considering the Horse " . Blue hadn 't been ridden much for a few years , but he was gentle and quiet when I tried him out before buying him . Once we got him home and bought a saddle , I rode him around the place a few times . After perhaps half - a - dozen rides , he began running from me when I went to put a halter on him ; he had figured out that a halter meant he was going to have to work . There 's nothing more frustrating than a horse that runs away when you 're wanting to ride . He was in a smallish lot , so he didn 't have far to run , but he could certainly stay out of my reach . I 'd started reading Mark Rashid 's book and saw a suggestion that it might be good to spend time with your horse when you aren 't trying to put him to work . So I got a lawn chair , took my book outside , and sat in Blue 's pen to read . It wasn 't long before he was easing closer and closer to me , and soon he was by my side letting me scratch his neck . Next time I went out I took the rope and halter . When he came up to me , I rubbed his neck with the halter . Soon we were great friends , but he still had a tendency to run if he thought he was going to have to work . Because it wasn 't a big pen , he didn 't have far to run . When he 'd take off I 'd start swinging the end of the rope and making a hissing sound to keep him running . Soon he 'd tire of this , slow to a stop , and let me walk up to him with the halter . I felt like a regular horse whisperer . Blue , shortly after I got him , with granddaughter Natalie , 2004 . Here 's what I learned from Mark 's books that allows me to catch most any horse ( I 'm not talking about wild mustangs . . . I don 't break horses ! ) : Do not approach a horse from the front , and don 't make eye contact . Approach him from the side , slowly , still not looking at him . If he starts to move away , stand still , or even retreat . Silly as it sounds , once the horse is pretty close to you , give a deep sigh every once in awhile . I don 't know why , but this seems to calm them . Don 't look directly at him though . Now , if he 'll let you , reach a closed hand to his neck and rub with your knuckles ( You are not to " pat " a horse as you would a dog . . . they like a rubbing motion ) . Usually after a little while doing this , you can put the rope over his neck and put the halter on . I gave my cousin , who is not a horse person , one of the many Mark Rashid books I used to own , and she said , " That book isn 't only about horses , it 's about people , too . " So true . Mark 's books aren 't filled with boring rules and instructions . He tells stories to illustrate his points , and the stories would hold anybody 's interest . And , as Betty said , you learn some things about people , as well as horses . My favorites were " Horses Never Lie " and " A Good Horse is Never a Bad Color " . I can 't break and train a wild horse . I may not know a lot about horse anatomy and diseases . But if you have a horse you like to ride , and he always runs from you , I can probably get a halter on him . Unless his name is ' Tude . There 's an exception to every rule , isn 't there ? Actually , I did catch ' Tude once after his master had chased him for an hour , but it wasn 't as easy as what I 've described above . ' Tude is a professional work - dodger , and when he used to be with the herd , he 'd see to it that you didn 't catch any other horses either , by keeping them all running with him . Now that he 's in solitary in a smaller pen , Adam has no problem catching him ; he seems to know there 's no hope of getting away . Oh , and we used my method yesterday to get the horses where we wanted them . I put a halter on one of the mares , led her out , and the others followed . Yes , it was that easy . Posted by Cora 's parents have five horses living on our place . They are very little trouble to us and , in fact , make my life more pleasant . No animal is the world is more beautiful , powerful , and photogenic than a horse . However , there are certain problems come with having horses around . A lot of the trouble is with pecking order : Being herd animals , somebody is always trying to take the lead of the group . Once the leader is established , things go fairly smooth . . . usually . But a horse 's personality sometimes clashes with others in his group for no reason anyone can fathom , and therein lies a tale . ' Tude , Adam 's first horse , was the leader here , no ifs , ands , or buts about it . For years it was just him and Sassy . Life was good , except that they became so bonded to one another you could hardly do anything with either one when they were separated . Sassy was sold and other horses made their entrance . With Cora 's mom , you never know what horse you will wake up to tomorrow , but at present she has two mares here ( my favorites ) . Adam now has a huge younger gelding , Huck , in addition to ' Tude ; ' Tude looked at Huck as competition and chased him away from the herd every chance he got . Eventually ' Tude was so rude ( I 'm a poet ) that Adam and Amber decided to keep him in a pen with Cora 's pony , Dixie . That didn 't work . Although ' Tude seems to think he 's quite the stud , he HATES Dixie . He cornered her , kicked her , and bit her unmercifully , so out she went with the herd , which now consists of Amber 's mares , Cora 's little pony mare , and Huck . Dixie is still shoved away from the group by the other horses , but at least they don 't try to kill her . My calves are behind the house , with an electric fence behind their hutches to keep them from straying too far out in the pasture . Cliff recently allowed the horse herd into the rest of the behind - the - house pasture temporarily , thinking they 'd enjoy some winter grazing . An electric fence separated them from the two steers . This morning I glanced out the window and saw the horses were in with the cal " Well then , let 's just stay home and fix it . I hate to have something like that bugging me all morning . " That 's all I needed to say . Cliff had one method in mind to get them out of the pasture and I had another , but we got it taken care of . There will be more about my method in another entry . Posted by Everybody knows I don 't drive , and am always looking for a willing escort to go with me to various concerts and plays in Kansas City . The oldest granddaughter , Amber , never was in the running as an escort because I somehow didn 't think she 'd want to be bothered with the kind of stuff I like . I realize my love of folk music doesn 't mesh with anybody else 's idea of good music most of the time . Recently Amber told me she 'd take me to some of my events once in awhile , if nobody else wanted to go . She 's the one who took me to see " A Christmas Carol " last month . Many of the events I want to attend have afternoon shows on Saturday and Sunday , which works great for me . I 'd rather be home in the evening , thank you very much . I mentioned to Amber that I had tickets for Arlo Guthrie , but that I was sure she 'd hate him . I later sent her a video . Her answer was something like this : " Well , Grandma , if you can 't find anybody else to take you , I guess I could . But I really don 't want to . " Arlo will be performing on a night when working people would like to go to bed at a decent hour . In my mind I lined up my occasional chauffeurs and did an " eeney - meeney - miney - mo " and realized no grandchild of mine would want to sit through a couple hours of Arlo , especially if they had to go to work next day . So I approached Cliff , who gave me the usual , " No way in HELL . . . " . I explained to him how willing Amber was to get in the mix with my other taxi drivers , but if I forced her to do this , she might never want to take me anywhere else . Besides , all my granddaughters have jobs and won 't want to be up late on a Thursday night . Then I said , " Yes Cliff , you are going to have to take me . " Fast - forward to this morning : I was explaining to my dear husband how John Prine got into the music business , how he hobnobbed with all the country stars in the 70 's ; how he was a postman before he went to Nashville and , after hearing Bob Dylan and , later , Kris Kristofferson , said , " That 's where I belong , right between those two " and moved to Music City . Then I added that I expect Arlo Guthrie , when we see him , will do that too . . . tell stories . " By the way , " I told him , " Rachel ( our daughter ) is the one who took me to see John Prine , so you didn 't have to go . And she did it with no idea who he was , and she had to go to work the next day . I 'm pretty sure she hated it , but I had a great time and will never forget it . " Here 's the thing : I could whine until some grandkid finally agreed to go just to shut me up , but I don 't want to " burn out " the people who are willing to haul me to concerts . And my family members are the only people brave enough to accompany me out in public , knowing I 'll likely embarrass them in one way or another . Cliff is going to have to take this one for the team . Next time Green Day is in town , some of my volunteer taxi drivers may get their reward . It had better not be this year , though , because I have a lot of pricey adventures planned for 2017 . So far it looks like Green Day will be out of the country a lot , so perhaps it will all work out . Cliff complains often about the fact that you can 't get fresh bread any more . I agree with him , but it doesn 't bother me as much because bread isn 't such a priority with me . We 've decided it must be the preservatives added these days that make all bread seem not - so - soft , with such a tough crust . Bread doesn 't even grow mold any more , so there must be preservatives , right ? We 've tried every brand out there . I get so tired of hearing about it , I 've threatened to make Cliff choose the bread at the store himself , and that way the decision is out of my hands and I 'm guilt - free . I 've asked him why nobody else complains about stale bread . His theory is that it 's been so long since anybody tasted decent bread , they don 't know what " fresh " tastes like . For at least two years of my life , back when my kids were babies and I was in my " little - house - on - the - prairie " phase feeling like a real pioneer , I made all our bread . I recall having several loaves in the freezer before I gave birth to my daughter so I wouldn 't have to make bread for awhile after she was born . If you do a search for " bread " on this blog , you 'll find isolated instances of me making home - made bread in more recent years , but not as a regular routine . I love making bread , from start to finish . I especially enjoy that ten minutes of kneading the dough . I like to let the loaves cool for just a little while after they come out of the oven , then slice off a heel with the electric knife and spread butter on it , so much butter it drips off the edges . Obviously , home - made bread shouldn 't be part of our lifestyle . But if that 's the only way to have some fresh bread in the house , I 'm willing to make it . I 'll take one for the team . In 1968 we were living in our little house on 20 acres . The only source of heat in the house was a stand - alone , propane heating stove in the living room . At some point in its history , the stove had a fan to circulate the heat around the room a little , but by the time we bought the place the fan no longer worked . When people came to visit in cold weather , they 'd leave their coats on and huddle around that stove . The only heat in the kitchen , unless I was cooking , was what drifted in from the living room . Bread dough doesn 't rise very well with room temperatures in the 50 's . One time I was making donuts and the dough wouldn 't rise , so I brought it in the living room and set it behind the stove , where it promptly tried to bake on the side closest to the stove , ruining the whole batch . Good times ! I recall my daughter 's first bath after I brought her home from the hospital in March of 1969 : It was too cold to bathe her in the kitchen sink , so I got a washpan with some warm water , made a pallet right in front of our pathetic heating stove , and bathed her one limb at a time , keeping the rest of her covered . Even at that , her chin quivered with the cold . Later we bought a new heating stove with a working fan to circulate the warmth . Cliff also put a wood stove in the basement under the kitchen , so the linoleum - covered floor wasn 't like walking on ice cubes any more . We had moved up in the world ! And so much for bread - making memories . Someone has to go give a couple of calves their bottles , and I don 't see anybody else volunteering . It 's 4 degrees outside . Have a peaceful day . Cliff put new strings on my guitar Monday . He isn 't musical , but he is much better at putting strings on than I am . He puts them on , I tune them . It 's been at least four years since I re - strung my guitar , probably more . I know the strings had been on there since before I sang at church the first time , and that 's surely been three years or more . I 've never worried much about dead strings because nobody heard it but me anyhow , but evidently I 'm going to be singing once a month as long as I go to this church . So . . . new strings . Once the new strings are on the instrument , the ends of all six strings are waving about like a wild hairdo and need to be cut off . Cliff , for a wonder , didn 't have any pliers on him that would cut the excess string ends off . " Aren 't the side - cutters in your pliers drawer in the shop ? " I asked . Yes , he said . I told him I 'd go get them next morning and do the job . However , when I opened the drawer , I didn 't find what I wanted . There was a pair of side - cutters with a little bitty mouth ( ? ) on it , but it had been used under duress , because there was a chunk out of the cutting part . Back at the house I told Cliff I didn 't find what I was looking for , and described the ones I wanted . " Oh , those , " he said . " They 're in the toolbox of the John Deere . I 'm afraid I 've been pretty hard on that pair too . " Later he went out to putter on his current project , and I started wondering just how much a pair of side - cutters cost . Why wouldn 't he get a decent one ? We aren 't rich , but surely we could afford any kind of pliers a man might use . It didn 't take long to find what I wanted , and it was a brand name I recognized with excellent reviews . I ordered them without mentioning it to Cliff . They arrived today . I opened the package , handed them to Cliff , who was sitting on the couch reading a book , and said , " Now , when I go looking in the toolbox for some side - cutters , I expect to find these in the pliers drawer . " He laughed for five minutes . I still don 't know what was so funny . When he stopped laughing , he said there was a different long - nosed pair out there that would have worked just fine . Yeah , right . . . if you don 't mind a hole broken out of the cutting edge . These new ones are the kind I 'm used to , and they only cost $ 5 . 65 . Why on earth . . . oh well . I gave up trying to understand his logic long ago . Everything will be fine as long as those shiny new side - cutter pliers are in the drawer next time I string my guitar , which probably won 't be until the year 2025 . If I were writing a book today , the first line would be , " It was a cold and snowy day " . Maybe it would be a " who - done - it " , with me searching for footprints in the snow . There were no footprints in this morning 's accumulation , though . Most mornings , winter or summer , Jake - the - orange - tomcat wanders from back deck to front porch and back again , hoping I 'll come out , go to the barn , and feed him . This morning not a single footie - print did I see in the fresh , clean snow . Buttons , the yellowish kitten , is often hanging around in back too . He 's developed a taste for the calves ' milk replacer ; he follows me to the fence where I stand to feed them and licks at the foamy milk - slobbers that drip from their mouths as they suck . I took pity on the two youngsters last night and put them in the shop , where the temperature seldom drops below freezing . They are about half - grown now . Here they are waiting for me to dish up their canned food . Can you tell they 're impatient ? I 've always had cats around the barn , but I paid them little attention except to feed and water them . Since I have less livestock these days , the cats are getting more of my time . I 'm learning new things about feline creatures . For instance : Cats don 't like to drink water if it 's too near their food . After getting those two kittens , I was perplexed at the way the water in their dish in the barn ( beside their cat food ) never seemed to diminish , and yet as soon as they got in Cliff 's shop , they 'd run to the bowl of water the grandson keeps there for his great dane and drink for five minutes straight , as though they were thirsting to death . I did a google search and found my answer HERE . Once I moved the water to the other end of that part of the barn , the level went down significantly every day . The boys do still seem to like to drink from the dog 's dish , though , as though they think they 're getting away with something . Mama Kitty and Jake drink from the in - ground horse waterer most of the time . There 's another sort of a problem with Grady that sent me to Google . Keep in mind I had no experience with litter boxes in the past , so it was a surprise to me . Buttons does a fair job of covering up his mess in the littler box in the shop , but Grady ? Never ! He poops and leaves , with no effort to cover it . Once in awhile he actually gets in the litter box and then poops over the edge , onto the floor . I had a REAL nice mess to clean up the other day on his account . Honestly , is there anything that smells worse than cat poop ? Google tells me this is not an uncommon occurrence . I found several theories , but I don 't think anybody actually knows why it happens . You can go read HERE , but there are many web pages about the problem with , really , no specific answer . I 'll close with a picture of a fox we see almost every day , sometime between sunup and noon , in the pasture north of the house . He appears to be hunting , probably moles : I 've seen more moles this year than at any time in my life . There were mountainous molehills in our yard that I stumbled over in the darkness as I went to chore . They are just as numerous in the pasture . You will see Mr . Fox pounce every so often . I always wonder if he was successful . This was taken at quite a distance and then cropped , so it isn 't perfect . Mama Kitty and Jake often come from the pasture with a mole , so with their efforts as well as the fox 's , I hope there is a depletion of the mole population by next year . Peace ! Spring is only seventy - some days away . Posted by I don 't like coffee that has been sitting in a coffeemaker for long , so I 've always made a point of drinking the three cups I 've made for myself every morning pretty fast . Cliff gets up later , and I 'd make three cups for him at that time , sometimes four . I buy our Kirkland House Blend coffee beans at Costco and we grind them as needed so our coffee 's always fresh . When I first bought the Keurig , I ordered various kinds of K - cups , including some off - brand ones on Amazon . I was over - zealous with my purchasing when Keurig had a 30 % - off sale ; I should have gotten a sampler pack and done some taste - tests . Many of the K - cups make some very strong coffee : However , there 's a difference between good strong coffee and lousy strong coffee . Cliff didn 't care for any of the stronger varieties , so I ordered some of these : These work well , and Cliff was happy to be drinking coffee made from our Costco beans again . I liked this option too , and was wishing I hadn 't been so enthusiastic about ordering all that coffee from Amazon and Keurig . This is definitely a cheaper alternative than buying the pre - made K - cups . However , I force myself to use one of those stronger varieties every other time I drink a cup of coffee , because I don 't like to waste money . The only problem I find with the use - your - own - beans things is that there is some muddy - looking coffee at the bottom of my cup when I 'm done ; so I ordered some of these , which work great : Now our favorite coffee is perfect . In spite of its strength , I enjoy the Starbucks House Blend . Cliff and I both like the 8 O ' Clock K - cups from Keurig : they don 't make such strong coffee , and they are cheaper on the website than other brands . For awhile , I would drink a couple of cups of coffee from the Keurig , then make Cliff his usual three cups in the coffeepot when he got up . After lunch I 'd make four cups of coffee in the Bunn and we 'd each drink two cups . However , I confessed to Cliff that when I make one cup of coffee at a time in the Keurig , I don 't rush to make a second cup . When I do have that second cup , I no longer want a third one , at least not as often . And the coffee is consistently good . So I stopped drinking coffee out of the Bunn entirely . A couple of days ago , Cliff said he wouldn 't mind using the Keurig exclusively , as I was doing . So I drained the water out of the Bunn and put it in a closet . It 's nice to have that space back on the kitchen counter . I still grind our favorite coffee beans to use in the reusable K - cups , but of course it isn 't quite as freshly - ground as we 're used to . I grind enough for six or eight cups and keep the ground product in a sealed pint jar so they don 't get too stale . It works , and is still our choice . Of course , by the time I go through all the pre - made stronger varieties I bought that I 'm forcing myself to drink , my tastes may change . Maybe a good cup of coffee really is worth more money . Happy new year , all you party animals ! I 'm the one who went to bed at 8 PM like always and got up at 3 AM , like always . There 's a pretty night sky outside ; I know this because I went to let Titan , the grandson 's dog , out to pee as soon as I 'd had a cup of coffee . On the way back I snatched my cheese ball and some crackers and chips from the shop , where the family gathered yesterday , because I plan to eat junk food all day ( my last hoorah for a while ) . I might make some broccoli - and - cheese soup , just in case Cliff wants something besides junk food . Everybody talks about what an awful year 2016 was , but for me personally , it was a good enough year . Cliff and I stayed out of the hospital and haven 't had serious illnesses . Why on earth would I let the death of some rock star or movie star affect my life ? Especially those who were so old that any fool would know it was their time to die . But that 's just my opinion , and you know what they say about opinions . I have more aches and pains as I age , but that 's normal . Forgetting all the political nonsense and looking at my own life , it 's been a decent year . This past election certainly brought out a lot of folks ' true colors , and that 's all I 'll say about that . One by one , as people have shared political memes and such on Facebook ( both left and right ) , I 've clicked on the drop - down arrow beside their updates and opted out of seeing whatever person originated said post before the friend shared it . This has made a positive difference in what I see . The election is over , people . I have no resolutions this year , and no advice except to tell the younger folks to walk and run and skip as much as you can . Dance and sing and listen to the music of life , because a time might come when your body just won 't let you do those things any more . Above all , enjoy children at every stage of your life and learn from them . " A little child shall lead them . " Well , I 'm a pathetic gardener now . I planted a short row of lettuce , and one of spinach , early in the season . I went out to harv . . . |
Alright , so I posted earlier about wetting your appetite . I was fumbling around my archives and I have realized that I lost a lot of my old stories . Sad . I may stil have some of them in hard copy , but that means I have to type them up , which is as much or more work than actually writing more new stuff . I did find this one . It 's called " Hello Cheryl " and I wrote it way back in 2006 . So without further ado : He was Ally 's current boyfriend . They had been together since her divorce six months ago . Ally and Daniel 's divorce had come in summer . It was a clean break and there hadn 't been any problems , except for the kids . Emily and Andy . She was 12 and he was 10 . The divorce had been hard on them . It upset Ally to see them like that , but over time they came to accept that mommy and daddy didn 't love each other and didn 't want to live together anymore . Edward came around just after the divorce . Daniel always accused her of cheating , but she suspected that he was just trying to justify his own cheating throughout the marriage . She hadn 't cheated , but she hadn 't felt bad either for getting involved with another man directly after the divorce . Although Emily and Andy had had a rough time with the divorce , they knew where they wanted to be , with Ally . She had been a stay at home mom before the divorce . She liked spending time with the kids and thought it motherly to keep the house up . Emily and Andy weren 't messy children . She got a nice little house and a job as a housekeeper in town . She got to keep the mini - van from the divorce and of course , she was allotted a child support of four hundred and fifty dollars a month . It sounds like a lot , but for a high - class attorney like Daniel , it wasn 't that big of a deal . He never paid much interest in what his children wanted or liked . It was , take what you can get or get nothing at all . He had planned once to take them all to Disneyland , but just like always he backed out at the last minute . It seemed that Daniel was the king of making promises that he couldn 't keep . He knew he couldn 't keep them , but he didn 't want them to think that he wasn 't a good father . There wasn 't any way of getting around it . He was failing . " Oh , just out for dinner and a movie . We 're going to see the late show . It 's that new film , just been released , about that boy who can change his appearance and make himself look like anything . " " Well , that 's nice . I think you and Jason make a great couple . " Ally replied , and continued on with her instructions . " Just put the kids to bed around eleven or eleven thirty . We 're gonna let them sleep in tomorrow . The only things they 'll miss are the Saturday morning cartoons . " She said with a giggle . They continued to say their goodbyes as Edward waited in the car . Cheryl assured her that everything would be fine and that she 'd take good care of Ally 's two little munchkins . " I got it Ms . Dawson . Eleven or eleven thirty , bed . Make sure they get a snack . No scary movies . Keep all the doors locked until you get back . And no visitors . " " I 'm sure you 'll do fine . " Ally said , pulling Cheryl next to her for a hug . " But there is just one more thing . Andy has been having bad dreams about a monster in his closet , so just make sure you check on him every so often , or else he 'll stay up all night . " Cheryl was the eighteen year old from down the street . She baby - sited for all the neighbors with kids . She had earned herself quite a reputation as a reliable babysitter and Ally felt like she was one of her own . In small towns , like Rossdale , it seemed that everyone raised everyone else 's kids . At least in the big neighborhoods like the one just off county road no . 3 that they lived on . The night crept by as it always did , slowly . It 's a good thing I get paid by the hour , she told herself . She let them watch all their favorite shows on Disney and Nickelodeon . After , The Spastic Life of Jake and Tyler or something , she decided that it was time to put the children to bed . She clicked off the tube and told the children that it was time for bed . They made a little sigh , but didn 't argue . Mom had told them to be good . She walked them to their rooms and put them in their beds . " What about the monster in my closet ? " Andy asked , wondering how she 'd handle the situation . " Yes , there is and as soon as I go to sleep he is going to come out of there and eat me . Then he 's going to vomit me up and eat me again . You know , like the flies . " " Fine . " She exclaimed . " I 'll show you . " She walked over to the closet door and opened it quickly . " See , " She said mocking him . " No monster . No nothing . Just your clothes and some toys . " Andy was not persuaded . " He 's in there , he is just hiding . " Cheryl pulled the clothes back to reveal the open closet . The closet was fully illuminated and almost every possible shadow had been removed . " See , still nothing . " She repeated . " I 'll leave your door open and turn on your night light , how about that ? " " Now , I 've got to go tuck your sister into bed , so , I 'll be in the living room just down stairs if you need anything . But I don 't want to hear any of this mess about closet monsters , or monsters under your bed or anything else because I 've shown you that they aren 't hiding . They just aren 't here . " " He 's had them since my mom got the divorce . Mom thinks that it 's because of the move . He had to move into that new bedroom , so , he has to go through the whole closet monster thing again . " She was gone , out of the room and on her way back downstairs . Andy had already come out of the bathroom and since she saw no sign of him suspected that he was already back in bed . He 'll be gone in no time , she told herself , off to sleep . Andy came out of the bathroom in a stumble . It was later than his usual bedtime and he felt special because he 'd gotten to stay up as late as he had . Even though he was excited about getting to stay up late his eyes were heavy . If only it weren 't for that tricky closet monster he 'd be able to get some sleep . The walk down the hall seemed long and treacherous , but he finally made it to his bedroom . He felt a breeze as he stepped in and noticed his window was up . He thought nothing of it . It was the closet monster that was on his mind . " Jesus protects me . " He said under his breath . Then he said it again , this time louder . " Jesus protects me . " He turned and looked at the closed closet door . He had a spider - man poster draped across it . The dwelling place of a monster , he thought to himself . " Jesus protects me . " He said again . He opened the closet door to check one last time before getting into bed . The closet stood empty , just as it had before . This Jesus protects me stuff really works , he thought to himself . He went back to the bed and climbed in . He closed his eyes and lay there in the bed quiet for a moment . There was a crackling noise from across the room . Andy sat up in bed immediately . Surely it was the closet monster out to get him . He noticed the closet door was still standing open . Come on in closet monster , he thought , feeling foolish . He put his feet on the floor , feeling the carpet tickle his bare feet and toes . He walked slowly to closet door , careful to inspect the area , ready to run at any moment . Upon reaching the door , he found the closet once again empty . You 're tricky Mr . Closet Monster . He closed the closet door and ran back to his bed in fear . Knowing at any moment the closet monster would come out and get him . He reached the bed and to his surprise , there was no monster after him . He was alone in his room , " Jesus protects me . " He repeated again and climbed into bed . Lying there quiet and still wasn 't easy . But it was a good trap . He 'd lie there till the monster thought he was asleep . When the monster came out he 'd get up and run out of his bedroom and down to Cheryl in the living room . He closed his eyes and lay quiet and still . The creak from across the room came again . Echoes from an old house were transformed into the steps of an evil closet monster . He didn 't falter . He lay quiet and still . Andy began to chant , as quietly as he could but loud enough so the monster might here . " Jesus protects me . Jesus protects me . Jesus protects me . Jesus protects me … " over and over . The closet monster was standing over him . He could feel the breath of it beating down on him in the dark . He had waited too long . It was too late to run away . He opened his eyes to see the face of his closet monster , the face of his enemy . Andy opened his eyes and there wasn 't a furry monster with horrid , pointy teeth just waiting for the right moment to smash his skull and drink his blood . There was only a man . His eyes were the only things visible through the black ski mask . " Where 's your Jesus , now ? " he asked . His monster was absent , replaced by this man in black , but Andy found he was more scared by the man than he could ever have been of the monster . He opened his mouth to scream , but only air came out . Before Andy could find his voice , or even begin to fight the man with dark blue eyes , the man covered his mouth and scooped him out of the bed . Cheryl made it down the stairs in little time at all . She immediately flipped the TV over to MTV to watch her favorite show . She had become a regular TV Guide since she started babysitting , memorizing all the channels and the shows they played . It was fifteen after twelve when the phone rang . She was deep into her show by this point and almost didn 't answer the phone . It wasn 't her house , who would be calling for her ? The phone rang and rang . It seemed endless . To keep from waking up the children , she answered it . " Hello , " she said as she picked up the phone . " Hello , Cheryl " the voice on the other end of the phone replied . It was strong but raspy , yet quiet and controlled . The fellow sounded like he had a frog in his throat . " Oh , I could go on for days . " He continued . " But that isn 't why we 're here . You 're being paid to do a job and if Ms . Dawson knew of the job you 've done , she wouldn 't be very pleased . " " Can you be so sure ? " His raspy voice taunted her , begging her to see for herself . " Why don 't you go upstairs and take a look ? You 're on a cordless phone . " There was silence for a moment as she looked around . There were four windows in the living room , two in the kitchen , one in the upstairs hall and one in each bedroom . There was no way to tell if he was really watching her . If he were , it would be near impossible to tell from where . The mystery man on the other end of the phone waited quietly for her to inspect the perimeter . She was unable to locate him and frozen in fear of what he 'd said . She sprinted up the stairs and into Sarah 's bedroom . She flipped the light switch and saw Sarah roll over in bed and yell out " Turn off the light ! " Cheryl flipped the light back off and exited the bedroom , apologizing the whole way out . As she closed the door , she was greeted with laughter at the end of the phone . " See , " she said . " Just like I said , in bed asleep . Now , who the fuck are you ? " " Now , that 's no way to treat a guest in the house . I come for a visit and that 's how you talk to me . That 's terrible . Ms . Dawson wouldn 't be very happy . " More laughter . Deep and hearty , but with that raspy twist , the laughter cut like a knife . " What about dear old Andy ? You haven 't checked on him yet . " " Listen asshole , I 'm not getting paid enough for this kind of bullshit . So , go prank call someone else and give them your bullshit story about watching them . Cause I 'm not putting up with it . " And she hung up . She started back down the stairs , but decided to checkup on Andy anyways . That laugh , she thought . Gives me the creeps . She shivered as she walked . Andy 's door was closed . He must 've closed it , she thought . He did go to the bathroom . She cracked open the door . The night light had been turned off and the room was dark . A breeze grazed her face as she flipped on the light . Illumination revealed the pulled back sheets and the missing Andy . The phone rang in her hand . " Where 's Andy ? " She screamed , answering the phone . " What have you done with him , you bastard ? " She was staring out the window , but the voice on the other end of the phone wasn 't the mystery man . The mystery man revealed his position in the house by placing his 9mm at the base of her neck . " Hello , Cheryl . " He said . " Wouldn 't want to do anything hasty would we ? " " Oh , yes , that 's normal . " He said . " Tell you what , when my ex gets in tell her to call me ASAP , okay ? " With a click Mr . Dawson was gone and so were her chances of using him as a savior . The mystery man repeated . " Hello , Cheryl . How are we this evening ? " " I 'm here to make Daniel Dawson pay . " He said . " Simple as that , I will kill his son , write his name on the wall and be on my way . I 'd hate to have to kill you , too . " He said calmly . " I just couldn 't risk the temptation of scaring the shit out of you . " Then he spurted out a laugh . " Worked too didn 't it . " " Well , that is that . " He said as he stepped over her and opened the closet door . Andy lay bound and gagged in the floor of the closet . " Come here little man , " he said and sprayed a little substance in his face . Ally returned home at ten to one . The house was silent as she opened the door . The TV was off . Cheryl must 've left , she thought , but didn 't mind because the kids were sleeping quietly . Motherly instinct told her to check on the kids , at least to make sure everything was like it should be . On to Andy 's room . She opened the door . Paused a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room . There was no night light on . After a moment , her eyes adjusted and she saw Andy lying in his bed in a deep sleep . Cheryl had done her job well . Even Emily still slept with a light . She had to know this secret , how she got him to sleep without it . She woke up at 8 : 30 . There was no alarm . No noises throughout the house . Only silence . The children were still in bed . She would 've bet her life that Cheryl had let them stay up later than she had told her too , but what was the harm in that ? They would only sleep longer this morning . She wasn 't mad , but the silence of the house brought unrest in her . She felt like she should make sure they were sleeping . They were . Andy was lying still in his bed , just as she had seen him the night before , and Emily was the same as well . They appeared untouched , unmoved in every way . Ally didn 't want to disturb them so she made her way back down the stairs and into the living room . The phone rang . The cordless was missing ; apparently Cheryl had been doing some calling last night , too . So , she ran into the kitchen and grabbed the mounted wall phone . " Ally , " Daniel asked . " Aren 't you listening ? Ally , " A pause . " I said , the mob . I didn 't put the mob in prison . Just one man . " " Well , the kids . Maybe you . All I 'm saying is that if you went to stay with your mother for a few days then you might be a little safer . " She was pacing . He always did that to her . He made her nervous . That was part of the reason for the divorce , other than his affair . " Please just do this for me . Before they do anything . Please . When the kids get up , pack a bag , and go to your mother 's for three days . Please . " " Fine . " She said . She had no intention of going . Ally was the epitome of stubborn when it came to Daniel and his requests . She had only agreed to get him off her back . She hung up the phone with a hard click . He had ruined her morning . Someone 's going to come to her house and kill her kids just because her ex husband and they 're terrible dad , put some criminal away for the rest of his days . Maybe she should have cared , but for some reason she didn 't . She thought it was just another of his tricks to get her to take him back . It 's not happening Daniel . You can forget it . The coffee pot was whistling , signifying that the coffee was done . " A little coffee , sugar , and some milk , that 's how you start the day off right . " She said . " Not by packing your things and going to your mother 's house . " She opened the refrigerator after some milk . Inside the refrigerator , beside the milk was a small object about the size of a mini carrot , but it was a very pale white with a red tip . At the end of the red tip was a small pool of red liquid . Ally picked up the finger and dropped it in the floor just as soon as she saw the nail at the end of it . " HOLY SHIT ! " she screamed and almost passed out . That had been in there all night . Something had happened last night . That was Cheryl 's finger . Cheryl wasn 't a concern anymore . If this had happened to her , then what about Emily and Andy . She sprinted upstairs to Emily 's room . She shook her , gently . " Baby , wake up . Momma 's here . " No response . She began to shake her more and more until she was thrashing her back and fourth . " Emily , wake up ! " she shouted . She ran to Andy 's room to repeat the process . Her efforts were fruitless . Neither child responded to her in any way . Ally shook them as hard as she could , but they were mannequins , dead to the world . Dead . Ally slid to the floor , weeping . Daniel had been right . The mob had come and taken her children in the night . She pulled herself up from the floor and over to the closet where the monster sleeps . The door knob was crusted with a crimson substance . It appeared quite similar to blood , but it was crusty and seemed thicker than any blood she had ever seen . She opened it . Cheryl was bound at her hands and feet . A finger missing from her right hand and the cordless phone in her left . She was pale , paler than normal and completely naked . She was dead . Ally didn 't have to look very hard to see that . It was the markings and cuts on her that made her drag Cheryl out of the closet . Ally stretched Cheryl out on the floor in Andy 's room . She untied the knots around her wrists . Her stiff , naked body was already starting to have an odor . Across her arms , she had been cut , with probably a razor or a thin knife . " JESUS PROTECTS ME " had been sketched over them . On her stomach , had been carved " HELLO CHERYL " . The sight of Cheryl 's stiff , twisted body made Ally sick . She could no longer hold back the vomit that had been building up inside her . She grabbed the small trashcan beside Andy 's desk and lurched . She felt her stomach tighten up and release as it forced the orange and yellow liquid past her lips and into the can . She couldn 't fight it anymore . Her eyes rolled back and she passed out . The cops arrived somewhere between nine thirty and quarter to ten . Ally had called them when she made it back down stairs . They came and took Cheryl , Andy , and Emily away . Their autopsies revealed that it was poison that had killed them . It was taken in through the lungs . There seemed to have been a substance breathed in by the victims . The poison affected the lungs first . Then it entered the bloodstream making the blood more thick that it normally would 've been . The gas had worked so quick that it took only seconds to kill them . The police followed up on the murders . Although the mob was accused , no evidence was found that might link them to the murders . No one was prosecuted for the murders , up to this point . Considering that this story is old and I didn 't do any editing before posting , I hope that it was at least mildly entertaining . I 'm sure I could 've polished it up a bit , but really I posted it for you guys . To show my appreciation for the love I have been receiving so far . If you liked this story feel free to let me know and if the general consensus is that you guys want more , then more you shall have . Thanks again . Before I get right to this , I want to do a little explaining of what is going on here an why . Otherwise , you may read this and end up confused at the end . I was reading The Daily Post 's Writing 101 : Daily Blog about SOC writing . The assignment was to write anything for twenty minutes . Simple enough . So , I opened word and started the timer . The result turned out to be a decent snapshot of my life at the moment . Maybe 2000 more words would 've gotten a better look at it , but I was trying to write fast . I fixed most of the grammar and spelling mistakes afterward . Either way , I told myself I would post the results afterward . So , here goes . Then , I will return to working on my story . Be on the lookout for it pretty soon . Writing in a stream of conscious style has its advantages and disadvantages . A lot of the time this is the method I would use to tackle a story , except with that I have some form of idea toward which I am directing my writing . This is not the case here . I am just writing and I will let it take me wherever , for the next twenty minutes . My son is asleep in the other room . The house is quiet , for once . The dog is crashed out somewhere in the house , probably the living room . She sneaks up onto the couch when no one is in the room . I suppose she thinks she is getting away with something , because as soon as we step foot in there she is off the couch and at my feet saying how sorry she is with her eyes . Truthfully , I don 't mind it . The only time we don 't let her up is when she is shedding real bad ( twice a year for about a month ) and when she is having lady times . I keep telling myself to go get that taken care of . Then I get a bit of spare time and forget all about it . Before you know it , its rag time again . Evee is great . She is the best dog I have ever had . She acts like a much older dog these days . She 's almost three and she acts like she is seven and on her last leg . I think it 's because we stopped being as active with her when Dexter was born and now she has gotten used to being lazy and fat . The most exercise she gets aside from out walks and park trips is running from Dexter around the house . I don 't blame her . He wants to pull her tail one minute and give her kisses the next . He is a wild card and you never know what to expect . Haha , twenty minutes almost entirely spent talking about my dog . That 's a bit funny , but it makes sense . I have a soft spot in my heart for dogs . A lot of my fiction writing has had dog characters in it . My best attempt to date at a novel had a dog in it . It was my main character 's best friend . Speaking of writing , I am really enjoying getting back into it again . You see , I go through phases , music , writing , music , writing . Only occasionally will I get a brief window in between phases where I am able to do both . Lately , I have been trying to write on topics for review , especially considering that I have not published a single review yet . I also have my fiction that I am working on . It is truly the joy of writing , but it is somehow intimidating . I am always reluctant to start . I tell myself that I should be reading instead . Sometimes I will read about writing instead of writing , hoping that it will make the writing I actually do better . That 's a silly idea . You get better at writing by writing . I also am the creative force behind a band that will get stagnate if I don 't keep everyone 's fire lit . So I have to keep coming up with music . Don 't let me make that sound like a chore , I love guitar and I love writing music , but it has been a long time since I wrote any lyrics . This is why I am able to write now . I do however plan to post future lyrical journeys hear as poetry . Maybe I will even record a demo and post that . Who knows ? Lately , I have been reading Bentley Little 's short story works . I like to read short stories when I am writing short stories , makes me think about things differently . In fact , the story I am working on now was inspired by one of his stories . It doesn 't have the same plot or anything , but the idea of the Faulkner style , but with a terror twist seemed really appealing . I like to take the reader on a journey , make them think a little bit if I can . I can 't really say much more about all of this , because I am still working on it and I don 't want to give anything away . I have four minutes left on my twenty minute challenge . What now ? Should I go on about myself ? I should be writing not thinking about what to write next … Only a short period of time left , hmm . Rather than worry about finishing on time , I have elected to finish with some sort of point or resolution , before returning to my story . You see , I have limited time each day to work on anything like this . My morning is spent with Dexter , followed by lunch and an afternoon outside ( learning the trike recently ) . Then , on to nap time . This is when I get to write , read , whatever . He will wake up and either I play with him while Addie makes dinner or vice versa . After dinner , we do calming things . We play with blocks , or do coloring , etc . As bedtime nears , we take a bath with lavender or chamomile if we have any . Then he drinks warm milk while I / Addie ( we take turns ) read him a story . Then into bed for a second story . Addie usually reads him a book of his choice . I read the same book . Right now , we are reading the golden compass . After which , I get free time again . This is a bit confusing because it is free time in the sense that I can do what I want . That doesn 't really make it free time . This is because I have obligations . I am a student at an online college . This means I have numerous weekly assignments that must be done during this time . I am unemployed , which means I must be job searching during this time , there are other things happening during this time , like spending time with Addie , and trying out products like board games and video games for review . Watching movies , and other things would also fall into this time . I just realized that I am over on time . I could really stop there . What is most important ? Writing definitely falls in that category . But I like to tackle my music and writing in the same way . If I can get a little bit done every day , I can throw out the bad and keep the good . I will steadily make progress and before long . I have a plethora of material . This is how all of Dead Perspective 's music came about , a little at a time over a period of time . So I have a lot of things going on right now . I have about 100 things to write about and make a post and not really sure which to actually do . I have a list of reviews to write , but I get the feeling that you guys could really care less . Some of this stuff I like and want to recommend that you buy , some of it I want to warn you about . Also , I quit my job at Liberty National . Legally , I can 't say anything negative about them or I could be fined $ 1000 . The truth is that most of them that I got to know are good people , but I couldn 't do what was asked of me . It was against my " ethical code " . That story in itself is another blog post . Now I am on the job market and who knows what that will mean . What it probably means is that I will end up working for CCA at the prison in Clifton , TN . It also means moving . That I am not excited about . I hate Mississippi , but I like our house . We really made a home here . With Addie having got a job at BAM , it means we won 't be moving back to Savannah , so even though we will probably be moving , I won 't get to be any closer to my family . Boo . Oh yeah , so I got some recording software , and I have been doing some demos . I figure that you guys are in on my personal life , I might as well post some here too . What do you think of that ? Hungry for some metal ? Haha , if you want to call my music metal . I am also starting two new classes at CTU . There 's a review , or more of a warning . I don 't know about the competition , but I have been sorely disappointed . Each term I start looking at other schools , but being to afraid of losing the FA I have now , I just keep going . So , I have always wanted to be a fiction writer . Horror , suspense , whatever . I don 't have what it takes to do it for a living . I was sitting there in the chair trying to determine how my night should go , and I logged on to steam . I looked through my games library and clicked path of exile ( review coming soon ) to load it up , the decided not to play and instead to write . " I have been working all day " , I said to myself . You need some expression . So , I did the old Stephen King method . I just started writing . After reading what is my rough draft story introduction , you will know as much about the story as I do . It is basically just me winging it . And since I am the kind of guy I am , there have been no edits to it at all . It is as rough as it gets . I don 't plan to edit it until I get further along . That is assuming that I go any further with it anyway . So tell me what you think , it isn 't very long , but I felt like it would draw you in , although I have had some alcohol . I was never told not to drink and write . So here it is : As quiet as the night , even the sound of a pin could be heard if it hit the tile floor in the hall corridor . The lights were dark . It was the kind of bleak night you might see on a new moon , almost no light at all and everything bathed in darkness . From seemingly nowhere , footsteps . Click , click , one after another at an uneasy pace . It is not a run , but they are moving exponentially . Darin sits up in his bed . " Oh no , " he thinks . " Another one down . " He assumes that one of the other inmates there have fallen ill and either an orderly found him or was called by the emergency button . The little window on the door reveals nothing . The lights are still off out in the hall , but he thinks nothing of it . Darin only sits and speculates which one it could be . His bladder weighs heavy on him and lets him know that he won 't be going back to sleep until he releases the weight . Darin was sitting up already so , what the hell , he says and gets out of bed . He knows he isn 't supposed to be out of bed after lights out , but doesn 't care . What 'll they do to me ? Lock me up ? And he laughs a little chort . He slides his feet into his favorite slippers and makes his way to the bathroom across the room . In the darkness he can barely see , but he knows his way around . His eyes are fully adjusted to the light and he can see a few feet easy . As he passed by the door , he takes a glimpse out the tiny window in hopes of seeing which occupant has slit his writs , or had a heart attack , or whatever . In the darkness , he can make out a single figure dragging a body down the hall by the arms . The legs follow along on the floor behind . He can 't see faces , but he knew he had seen something he wasn 't supposed to see . What the fuck ? He said to himself . Darin realized that he was in a vulnerable spot , and somewhere he wasn 't supposed to be and twisted out of sight of the little window . He was curious as to what he had seen , but scared to . He didn 't want to be pulled from his room . Solitary was no fun , especially with the crazies nearby . In his facility , there was a hall of solitary cells . Twelve of them in total . Six on each side . On any given day , four or better were filled with the " crazies " . These were fucked up individuals that decided to spit in the guards face or do some other dumb shit for no good reason and ended up getting locked in solitary to spend time to think about what they had done . Often times , their solitary time was spent screaming out about how they were innocent or just mindless jabber . They gave Darin the creeps . He had no intentions of spending any time with the crazies . Darin crept into the bathroom around the corner and urinated above the waterline in the oversized commode . Instead of a heavy , pouring out sound , it was more like a drizzle . The porcelain masked his presence well enough , he thought and a moment after he finished he closed the lid . He would flush in the morning . He crept back to bed and turned over under his sheets . His dreams were not pleasant . In his dream , Marcy , the lady who killed her husband after she caught him cheating on her , was being tortured in the next room . He lie in bed listening to her screams , and somehow knew he was next . They were coming for him and there was nothing he could do . There was no escape . He lay still , so perfectly still as to vanish in thin air . Then the screaming stopped . Finally , they had put her out of her misery . He lay quiet and still , listening . Hoping they had forgotten him . With a big thud , Marcy 's body hit the floor . He was certain it was her body because of the wet sound it produced as it hit . Then the door to her room opened and again , he saw out of his little window , a body dragged down the hall . His heart beat fast , and he heard it beating in his temples . Bom , bom , bom . The figure was outside his door now . He was next . He knew it . When the door opened , white light entered the room . So bright , he could hardly keep his eyes open . He could not make anything out . He wasn 't sure what was happening . Instinct told him he was in danger and that he had better get out of there , but the light was paralyzing . The figure moved closer . The light consumed him . I suppose I will pick up after his dream . I was going to pick it back up , but my SO , Addie , wants to play Munchkin . Off I go . What do you think of my fiction writing ? Was it compelling ? Are you dying to know what happens to Darin ? Probably not right ? He heard and saw something on a creepy night and as a result had a bad dream . He is in the crazy house so he might have hallucinated . Hmm , we shall see , if I am able to keep this going . The weather here is getting hotter everyday . It is around this time every year when it begins to get to a point that it is hard to breathe outside , especially when you are in a suit and tie ( like now ) or when you are wearing a chef 's coat ( last year ) . Today 's high was around 90 , and with humidity it 's just like sitting in an oven if you are in a car all day long . That leads me to the mother of all questions for you guys . Is it better to run the AC or roll down the windows ? I submit that this is a great question and it poses a great debating point . Everyone has got an opinion on this . " AC wastes gas ! " , " Rolling the windows down causes drag ! " , are just some of the normal responses . Others will submit that it doesn 't really matter so long as the driver is comfortable . I read that mythbusters did an episode on this very issue and that it was determined that it didn 't matter , basically the only way to save gas was to ride with the AC off and the windows up . So this is Cody ( Vocalist ) and me doing Nirvana 's Heart Shaped Box . We planned to do a bunch of these acoustic covers to promote the band , but seems like we only ended up doing a few . This is the only one I was able to find . Enjoy , then tell me what you think . So , I am new to this whole blogging thing . I wanna generate some content and not feel so much like a noob , but what do I have to say ? I am interested in lots of things so I will start there . Be prepared , because the next few posts will most likely be totally random and off the wall . So , enough chit - chat , tell me something … The first thing you see once you reach my page is the title , " thedeadsparticus " . That is an odd title , you might say . I 'll being by explaining it . Sparticus is / was my stage name . I know it is silly , but it represents my love of music and my desire at a young age to pursue music . Ever heard of the movie " That Thing You Do " ? Well , it is about a band called the Wonders who are a one hit wonder , much in the style of early beatles , etc . That is not the important part . I highly recommend watching it if you haven 't seen it ( totally family friendly BTW ) . In the movie , the main character ( drummer ) refers to himself as the leader " Spartacus " . This movie didn 't spark my interest in music , but it did say to me that I should give an instrument a try , and shortly after I got my first drum kit . I am not a drummer . I thought I was for a time when I was twelve , but very quickly realized that I was not . My grandfather was a pillar of strength in my life and was also a bluegrass guitar player ( from Tennessee ) . This helped in my transition from drums to guitar . Around my thirteenth birthday , I had made the switch . I have been playing ever since . I still toy with drums when I get the opportunity and I have a healthy respect for how important they are in music as well as in a live mix , but it is just not my forte . So about five or six years ago , I was just about to go back to college and instead decided to join a band . It was called " Memoir " . We were sort of a Creed type band , but the music was all original . I wrote most of the music and the Drummer ( Snowman ) wrote almost all of the lyrics . We were a writing duo . The others did their parts and wrote music too , but most of it was the two of us . Over the period of a year or so , Snow and I began to have difference of opinons on a number of subjects . Our creative ideas started to go in different directions . I didn 't have the same respect for him as a friend , either . So , the rest of the band followed me when I left and we formed what is now known as " Dead Perspective " . Now , we 've been together nearly 5 years . I feel confident that we would 've had more success if we hadn 't all just had kids and gotten married . We aren 't the party boys we used to be . Now , we are all just doing what we are passionate about . I still write and hopefully we can get out and actually play some shows this summer . I may have gotten a bit off track here , but I did do the things I set out to do . I explained thedeadsparticus . I breifly told the story of Dead Perspective . And I let you guys in a bit on the story of my life and the way my brain works . So lets talk about it . Listen to the music and tell me what you think . Ask me questions . |
It all started when she was five . She lived in a small city called Corncup , somewhere in the great state of Wisconsin . Her favorite color was orange , and she had dark brown hair with natural gold highlights . And her eyes were a light brown , a bit hazel in the center . " Hi , Mr . Squirrel , how are you ? " She had asked when she saw it hovering next to her window . Being five , talking to a squirrel floating outside her window seemed like a normal thing to do . " Yer supposed to help me on ! Take me to the afterlife ! I thought ya would know that ! What kinda soul seer doesn 't know what they 're s ' pposed to do ? ! " " That doesn 't help much , you know , " the little girl huffed . She folded her arms , and made a pouting face . She wasn 't liking this squirrel very much . He was mean to her . " Well , what do ya expect me to know ? I 'm kinda new at being dead , ya know . " His sarcastic tone of voice didn 't improve her spirits . " Okay , I 'll try something , " replied Arlette and she closed her eyes , and said , making it up as she went along , " I release you from your earthly ties . Go home . " And opened her eyes , to see the annoyed squirrel still floating there , tapping his foot on the air . " It didn 't work . " He said , stating the obvious . " I can see that . " She was really getting annoyed with this rude squirrel . After another long pause , she said , " Well , I 'm leaving now . Good bye Mr . Squirrel . " Her mom looked at her with a concerned face , alarmed and wondering why on earth her daughter thought she was talking to squirrels . She 's only five , she 's just using her imagination . But her alarm was soon to increase . " Honey , you stop that this instant . " Suddenly she was not concerned , but terrified . The stern look on the woman 's face told Arlette that her mother was not joking . " Why , mom ? Don 't you want to know what else he said ? " She did not know why her mother was being so weird about it . Now , her mother , being a no - nonsense sort of woman , said sternly , " That 's it , young lady . Go to your room now . I told you to stop talking about this nonsense ! No dessert for you . " Her pointer finger was pointed toward Arlette 's room , and the five year old quietly and confusedly walked to her room . Anna was left in the kitchen , wondering what to think … And now the girl thought back on the conversation . Her mother had seemed especially mad at her for this one . Her imagination had gotten the better of her many times before this , but her mother had never been this upset by her stories . I wonder what Dad would have thought ? She took out the picture she kept under her pillow . It was of her mother and father , and herself as a baby . Her dad had died when she was just 2 years old . She 'd never gotten to know him . And since she had never gotten to know him , she 'd created this perfect father in her mind . This is what he was like . He was tall , and handsome , which she knew from the photo . And he was a happy person and loved laughing , like her mother had told her so many times . The parts she made up were what kind of father he would have been . He would have taken her to the park every weekend , and he would have carried her on his shoulders and given her piggyback rides when she was bored . He would play dollhouse with her and read her stories at night . She sighed , playing through the perfect day with her imaginary father as she did before bed each night . Today , he took me to the ice cream store ! And then we went to the park ! And he played on the monkey bars with me , and the sand box ! She didn 't think her father would have had a bad back like her friend 's father did . He 'd be in perfect shape , and ready for all her games . Then he took me home and we had a picnic with mom , in the garden . And at dinner tonight , he told mom that she was overreacting . He asked what the squirrel 's name was , and I 'd told him he had none except Mr . Squirrel . She sighed , and turned over onto her side , facing the window . And found the squirrel glaring at her . They sat on a bench in the park . She was silent and so was he . She vaguely wondered why they weren 't doing anything , but her limbs and mouth seemed perfectly content doing nothing for a while . She looked over at him in confusion , and cocked her head to the side . " Hm ? Mr . Squirrel ? Why do we have to talk about that grumpy old thing ? " She talked to him as if he was alive , and had been with her all her life . Like they were old palls . " The what ? " Now Arlette was really confused . " Yeah , the words of release . ' I release you from your earthly ties . Go home , ' " he recited as if they were familiar words . At her incredulous look , he laughed , and said , " I know , it 's a bit un - original , isn 't it ? All those stories about the grim reaper with the scythe actually have something right . But they got one important thing wrong . " He looked at her meaningfully . She sat up strait in bed , and shielded her eyes from the bright sunlight that was coming in through her window . And she yet again saw the squirrel glaring at her . She ignored it , shut her blinds , and got dressed . " Yup . " Her mother was now smiling , and she finished up her cereal and put the bowl and spoon in the sink to wash later . Arlette finished hers quickly , and put her bowl and spoon right next to her mother 's , and she briefly wondered what it would look like if there were three bowl - and - spoon pairs . She grabbed her backpack from its spot , leaning on the leg of the dining table . She always put it there before she went to bed so she could grab it on the way out . She picked up the lunchpail that sat on the table with the lunch her mother had lovingly made in it . Ready ! She and her mother walked out of their house and into their driveway , where her mother 's silver Honda stood silent . It was fairly new . Her mother had gotten a big raise at her job last year , so she 'd gotten a new car to replace the old junk that they had before . Sometimes a girl only has to talk to other girls her own age to feel better about what her mother does . Arlette smiled and asked her friends what they 'd done over the weekend . It was Monday , which meant show and tell ! Arlette held up her picture , and said proudly , " This is my dad ! " She stood in front of class , and was showing the picture she kept under her pillow for show and tell . " I 've never known him , but I 'm sure he would have been a great dad ! He 'd have taken me to the park every weekend , and played with me all the time , and he 'd be in good shape so he could do lots of things with me . Even though he died when I was two , I know he 's still with me . " The teacher , Ms . Leah , looked at Arlette with concern and sadness in her eyes , but Arlette didn 't see it . " Thank you , Lettie ! That was a great show and tell ! " " That was a nice show and tell , Lettie ! " Arlette heard him say , standing behind her . She 'd made everyone call her Lettie since the first day of preschool , because she didn 't like her name much . " Give that back . It 's mine . " She tried to sound firm , but she never could with him . He was just too intimidating . He was a bully . A young man came into her view , and he walked calmly up to Billy . The boy didn 't even glance at the man . She watched as he threw the picture to the ground , and the young man tried to catch it , but was too late . The glass shattered , and Billy rubbed his foot into the picture , now exposed to the evil world , and sniggered again at her . She stared at her ruined treasure , and picked it up , cradling it like a hurt bird . She looked up at Billy in horror and shock , tears welling . " Billy , you 're horrible ! " She cried , and turned around to hide the tears that were streaming now . But he noticed , and taunted , " Cry - baby ! What , are you going to go crying to your mama ? What 's she gonna do ' bout it ? " He walked away , but the young man followed him , a steely determination on his face . When Billy was walking in the grass , he threw a stick right at Billy 's side , and when he turned to see who had assaulted his poor side , tripped him . Then he dragged him by the sleeve to a nearby tree , and pinned him against it . He didn 't hurt him , just scared him . Billy was so terrified that he wet his pants , and passing children laughed , happy to see the bully of the class wet his pants for once . " Billy 's wet himself ! " The cry rang out and Arlette looked up , and through her tears saw the young man walking back to her , a sad understanding in his eyes . She saw the wet spot on Billy 's pants , and couldn 't help laughing , even through her tears . She sniffed , and said , " Yeah , I 'm okay . Who are you ? " She looked up at his black hair and blue eyes . She thought it looked odd . " Thanks for that … " She smiled sadly , and looked back down at her picture , which was ripped and wrinkled now , with dirt smudged over the whole thing . She couldn 't make out the face and smile of her father now . " I 'm twenty . Exactly four times your age ! " She giggled , not completely understanding all of this , and he smiled , happy to see her lips curled up instead of down . " That 's my mom , I gotta go now . " She got up , picked up her picture and the bent up metal frame it had been in . Aaron walked her to the car , and smiled , waving as she left . Arlette waved back . Anna Dyther glanced sideways at her daughter , who held the broken picture in her hands , and gasped . She slammed on the breaks , and pulled over to the side of the drive - up pick - up . " Was that Billy 's doing ? " She demanded . Arlette shook her head , but hastily added , " But she wasn 't there , she didn 't know . And besides , Aaron helped me ! He made Billy run away ! " She smiled and pointed back behind her , where Aaron now sat on the bench she had waited at . " Aaron ! He 's twenty ! He helped me up from the ground , after he told Billy to stop bullying me ! " She made up a few little tidbits to make the story more interesting . " And he said that if Billy ever messed with me again , he 'd scare him good ! " She put down her pencil and tilted her head in concentration . So I really am a reaper ? I mean , I can see the squirrel , and I 'm pretty sure I 'm not crazy … Now for some color . She got out a light blue colored pencil , and colored in the dots for his eyes . And khaki for the baggy pants he wore . The black pencil for the shirt he was wearing , and a reddish - orange for his vest . She ran to her swing , the one her father had put up only a month or so before he died . She cherished it and spent much of her time sitting on it . She plopped down onto it , and kicked her legs , not thinking . " No , I don 't . I don 't know where to get a ' scythe . ' " She said simply . She didn 't even know what a scythe was . " One who is confused and too little ! " She blurted . And she knew the answer to her dad 's riddle . I 'm not a grim reaper . I 'm a little reaper . " What 's happenin ' ? " The squirrel shouted , making the silent nothingness ring with the reverberations . Arlette just put her pointer finger to her mouth for him to be quiet , and stood up . " What are they ? " She managed to choke out after a few moments . " These will be what you use to separate a soul from its body . You may have been expecting a scythe , but we decided a bow and arrow would suit you more . " The hooded figure only chuckled and said , " We are the Upper Circle . We make the rules and keep the peace . We make sure reality isn 't torn apart , and we make sure things are done right . And we believe that you have what it takes to do this particular job perfectly . Now take your tools . " The figure held out the bow and quiver of arrows for her to take , and she did so . " You are to be her companion . It is through you that we will speak with her from now on , except on rare occasions . You will help her find souls needing to be released from their bodies , and you will help her in any other ways possible . You will be her manager , so to speak . " It had been five days since she had started her new job as a reaper . Her first reap had been the hardest to do , since it was her first one . And her second was the hardest to endure . The first had been on Wednesday . She 'd seen the soul of a rabbit that a cat had gotten to . And she hadn 't known what to do . " Just say what ya said to me , and shoot the poor thing through its heart . It releases the soul from the Earth and allows them to pass on . " Instructed Henry , who had become much more tolerable over the past few days . She did as he instructed . She beckoned the rabbit 's shadow to her , kneeled by her , and said , " I release you from your earthly ties . Go home . " She stood up , and fumbled with the bow . She aimed for the heart of the rabbit . The little thing held still , wanting what was coming . It was painful for most souls to stay too long . Henry was another story . She shot , but missed at first . She 'd never used a bow before . But it seemed to come naturally to her . Her second try was a direct hit , weather by sheer luck or skill , she did not know . Her next reap was a human . On Thursday , she 'd been walking down her street . A child , who had run in front of a speeding car filled her view . She had witnessed it happening . She cringed as she heard the sound of the child 's flesh meeting with the metal bumper of the car , and the sickening crunch of his fragile bones cracking . The little boy took her hand , and walked with her , clinging like a child to his mother . He couldn 't have been more than four years old , and looked up to the big five year old who was helping him as he would look to his own mother . " What 's your name ? " Arlette asked the little boy , stopping under a tree , and turning and kneeling so she was face to face with him . Though , a five year old wasn 't that much taller than a four year old , so she ended up at his chest height . " I really don 't know what 'll happen to you … But you 're going to go somewhere , and you have to be strong , okay ? I 'm sure there will be someone waiting for you wherever you are heading . " " Are you ready , Mac ? " She prepared the bow that she was now holding . She hadn 't noticed she was holding it , and it shook only slightly in her hands . She raised her bow , and aimed for his heart . She felt horrible . This little boy had had a whole life to live . But it was all taken away now . She released the arrow , and watched it arc in slow motion and pierce Mac through the heart . She felt more than heard his sigh as he went to go be with his Grampa . His figure shifted and misted into the background . She looked up to see Henry sitting in the tree above her . " It 'll get easier as time goes . " " How can doing that get easier ? " She was nearly in tears . She could now hear the little boy 's mother sobbing over his body . The driver was walking in circles , cursing himself , his head in his hands . " It will , you 'll see . " The familiar voice came from behind her . She turned around to see Aaron walking up to her , his face one of pain . She brightened up a bit , but was still dwelling on the sobs of Mac 's mother . That sound would haunt her for a long time to come . Five years to be precise . He knelt down next to her and took her chin in his hand . " You must not let it get you sad . Your job will be too much if you can 't bear the burden . " When she still didn 't cheer up much , he said , " Er , do you need a hug ? " She nodded , tears welling , and falling down her cheeks . So he hugged her , and she hugged him back , not wanting to be left alone right then . " Can you tell me a story ? " She asked after a while . Her tears had stopped coming by now . " Oh , that 's not a very good ending ! He saved her from the mean old dragon , then had to leave ? They are supposed to live happily ever after ! " She scolded him , her pointer finger wagging at him . She had almost completely forgotten about Mac and his sobbing mother by now , and sat happily , glad to have a friend like Aaron . She looked up at the setting sun , and said , " Oh , darn . I have to go back home , or mommy will be angry . " She got up , looked up to Henry , who nodded and bounded out of the tree to stand beside her . She waved to Aaron , and said , " bye , I 'll see you later ! " She ran up the street toward her house , which was a few blocks down and then down a few houses . She had always been a wanderer , going farther and farther when she went for walks . She had proved last year that she could responsibly take a walk by herself , but her mother still worried about her . " Walking . And then I saw Aaron again and he told me a story . " She put her jacket on a hook by the door , and went to sit at the dinner table , where she could smell dinner waiting for her . Anna walked to the table , and sat down . " Prayers . " She said , and folded her hands in front of her nose . She seemed especially ardent about her prayers tonight . At Arlette 's shocked jaw - drop , Anna put down her fork , and said , " You may not know this , but a little boy was run over today . He died , Arlette . I don 't want that to happen to you . It was little Mac , and he doesn 't live far away . Who knows what kinds of people drive around ? " " But momma , I know not to walk in the streets ! " She had put down her fork , too , and looked shocked and insulted . For a five year old , she was very stubborn and independent . But she had the temper of all five - year - olds . That night , Arlette lay awake in bed , yet again . Once again , she and her mother had not had a very good meal together . And now Arlette felt bad about how she 'd pouted . Her mother was just doing what she thought was best for her daughter . She looked at her ceiling , which had glow - in - the - dark stars and moons all over it . She 'd gotten them last weekend , just before she 'd met Henry . She liked them . They helped her sleep when she was upset . She 'd had plenty of chances to test that theory . She was going to bed unhappy almost every day this week . She looked at her window , and saw Henry floating outside it . His attitude had changed so much since she 'd met him , that the sight of him was comforting to her now . She was surprised at the speed of the change , and the suddenness . Right after that meeting with the hooded person , he 'd been a lot nicer . She silently got up , and glided on tiptoes to the window , and opened it for Henry to come in . " Can 't sleep , can ya ? " He looked sympathetically at her . " Well , I technically don 't sleep , but yeah , I can stay there tonight . Today was tough . " He jumped up to her bed , and curled up at the end , his fluffy tail over his nose . He let out a loud snore , and Arlette laughed . He poked his head up and winked , and put his head back into its fluffy pillow . She had a very short dream that night . She walked down her street , and she was holding Aaron 's hand . He was telling her things about the neighborhood , and how he used to live there . But he 'd moved . " Sorry , mom . Won 't happen again . " She crawled out of bed , and went to her dresser , where her mom had laid out her outfit for the day . She slipped out of her pajamas , and into her clothes , and went out to the kitchen , with her mother following . They had both seemed to forget about last night . That 's how it always was with them . They ate their breakfast , and went to the car . While they were in the car , Arlette thought she saw Aaron walking along the street . She saw black hair , but it could have been anyone . She didn 't look back , for some reason . She knew what had felt odd about him . She had thought it was his eyes at first , but now she knew it wasn 't . When I did that reap yesterday , he knew about it ! And mom couldn 't see him the other day . She never said it but I could tell . That afternoon , she sat on her usual bench , and waited for her mom to come pick her up . She always got there a little later than the other parents , because she couldn 't get off work sooner . But only 10 or 15 minutes later . She was reading a book called Letters From Felix . She was only five , so she couldn 't read long books like her mom did . But she could read exceptionally well for her age , her teacher had said , and she was proud of that . She sat , turning the pages , reading about Felix 's adventures in Italy , when she felt a tap on her shoulder . She looked up , and Aaron was standing there . " Hi , Aaron . " She said . She hadn 't forgotten her revelation from before . " Because I don 't think the best way to introduce yourself is to say , ' hey , I 'm Dead . How are you ? ' " He laughed , and stuck out his hand as if to shake for emphasis . She thought about this , and nodded . " Okay , I guess you could be right there . I might have freaked out if I 'd known that . " She nodded vaguely , her mind buzzing with new input . She put her book away , and heard her mom 's car drive up . She waved to Aaron , and walked up to her mom 's car , to find Anna looking past her , searching for whomever she 'd waved at . " I was waving goodbye to a butterfly that landed on my hand , " she quickly lied . Mom might not want to know I 'm talking to dead people now . She buckled her seatbelt , as her mom drove her home . She did her homework , pictures again , and headed out the door , hoping her mom had forgotten about her new rule . Unfortunately , she hadn 't . She went to her swing , and sat on it . Henry had seemed to vanish for the day . It was too bad . She wanted to talk to someone who understood things a little better . She got up quickly and said , " Wait here ! " She ran inside and got her book , and ran back outside . She sat down in Aaron 's lap , like she had the day before , and opened the book in front of them . " This is Letters From Felix , " she announced proudly . She started at page one , and read to Aaron how Sophie had lost her toy rabbit Felix at the airport on the way home from summer vacation . She read to him how she was so sad , until one day when she got a letter in the mail from her dear Felix . Arlette slipped the letter out of the envelope that was on the page , and unfolded it for Aaron . This was her favorite part of the book . You got to take out the letters and read them like actual mail . She giggled every time she opened them . They read about Felix 's journey across the world . How he went from England , to Italy , to Africa , to Rome , to New York , and then back home . And Felix had so many things to tell Sophie about the places he 'd visited . " I 'm glad I met you , Aaron . " She said quietly . She was so happy to have a brotherly figure in her life , especially since she didn 't have a fatherly one . Arlette stood up and said , " Well , it 's almost dinner time . I have to go inside now . " She waved goodbye to Aaron and walked inside , smiling . And so Arlette woke up smiling . Since it was Saturday , she would be able to go to the park with her mom . She got up and jumped to her closet , to pick her outfit . She and her mom had an agreement , where during the school week , Anna picked her daughter 's clothes , but on the weekends she could pick from whatever was in her closet . Today she chose a little jean skirt with frills on the end , and an orange sweater with green knee socks . We 'll just say that Arlette has a very distinct sense of style . " Mom ! " She called , knowing that her mother was probably still asleep . She ran to her mother 's bedroom , and jumped onto her bed . Anna sat up groggily and said , " It 's Saturday … " " It 's Saturday ! " She repeated , more cheerfully than her mother had . Anna got up and stretched , her energy flowing slowly to her legs , and said , " Okay , you go get some breakfast , and I 'll get ready . " " Mom , I 've been ready for ages ! " Arlette joked , but was half serious . She ran to the door , and slammed it behind her in her eagerness . I 'm a bird ! Flying to see my chicks in my nest ! And I can see a river below me , and there is a bear fishing in it . In her mind 's eye , mountains formed in the background , with lots of orange autumn trees . Clouds dotted the sky , and the sun was bright . She blinked , the actual sun coming out from behind an autumn cloud , and the scene vanished . She sighed , and looked toward where her mother sat on the bench at the edge of the park . He smiled vaguely at their little thing , and sat in the swing next to her . She could see him pushing himself off , and matching her speed perfectly . But anyone looking in her direction would see the swing next to her as still as the slight breeze would allow it to be . " How did you sleep last night ? " He asked absentmindedly , enjoying the swing , but not able to feel the wind in his hair or on his skin . He missed that about being alive . " Oh , nothing , I 'm just trying to remember the feel of the sun on my skin . " He was surprised at the honesty of his statement . He normally would have just said , " Oh , nothing , " but today he felt like talking , about anything . " It 's been five years . " He didn 't realize what he was saying until it was out . His mouth seemed to be taking over for the moment , letting his mind wander to past times . " Hey , I 'm five years old ! " She giggled , and looked over at her new friend , who seemed to be in deep contemplation . And then a question struck her . After an hour or so of swinging and talking to Aaron , her mother began to wonder why she hadn 't even touched the monkey bars or slide , and when she watched closely , she saw her daughter 's lips moving , then not moving , and then moving again , a different expression on her face , as if she was talking to someone … Must be that " Aaron " person again … She worried , and got up . She walked to her daughter , and said , " Honey , time to go . We 'll get some ice cream on the way home , " Arlette seemed to glance to her right apologetically before getting off her swing and walking with Anna to the sidewalk . - emo corner - T ^ T Report to Moderator ♥ Smiling , the only thing I can do to show I \ 'm okay . Even if I \ 'm not . Creator me : when did i name a character that ? ! o _ O ' Report to Moderator ♥ Smiling , the only thing I can do to show I \ 'm okay . Even if I \ 'm not . Creator i think ima work on that storie . . soon > w < - finds more coke - I NEED MORE CAFFINE FOR SOME REASO N : D Report to Moderator ♥ Smiling , the only thing I can do to show I \ 'm okay . Even if I \ 'm not . Creator Posted 6 / 25 / 09 I should add more soon , shouldn 't I ? ? It 's been a while since I even looked at this one T ^ T Report to Moderator Harharhar . Member |
Today is my husband 's birthday . It is also National Marguerita day , which is probably not a coincidence . Gosh , we 're getting old . He is 48 today , which is really close to 50 , which is really old . Right ? And I 'll be 45 soon , which is also really old . For me , anyway . We are about half a country away from each other . Here I sit in a hotel room in North Dakota , surrounded by jewelry makings and sugar free candy . In honor of my husband I am watching Underworld , which I would probably not be watching otherwise . This movie serves my purpose , though , which is that it not demand enough attention to keep me from making jewelry , or writing blog posts . He is with my daughter in San Francisco . They arrived there today - he has a conference to attend and he has brought our daughter with him , since I am in North Dakota . He is speaking , so she will sit in the back of the room and read until he is done . Then they plan to visit the town , go to the zoo , ride a streetcar , you know . My daughter wanted to visit the " pretty jail on the island " . I told her maybe not . I 'm hoping they will Skype soon . Today I have yet to speak with either one of them . Seems like my husband and I always have a computer or two between us . Computers are his livelihood , specifically , data base administration . He can work from home a lot , but he also travels . We met online , through an online dating service . He was several years out of his divorce , which occurred because he wanted children and she did not . I was 34 and single . We exchanged witty emails , and eventually phone conversations . At that time he was at home because his father was dying of colon cancer and was living at home with him . We talked on the phone until the day his dad passed away ; my husband couldn 't leave the house long enough to go out on a date until then . His devotion suggested to me that he would make an excellent husband and father . Any man who , alone , gives up his job for 8 months to stay home until his STEPdad passes away , has got some serious caregiving dedication . We had a couple good ( and funny ) dates , and then we were dating . A year later , we got engaged . He chose me the most beautiful , the most perfect ring ever . I was unhappy with my present job and we moved to Alabama to be closer to my parents in case we had kids . We had a daughter , a wonderful daughter . My husband proved to be every bit the excellent husband and father I thought he would be . He found out we were pregnant online too . We were chatting between my office and his office , and I couldn 't get him on the phone after I took the test , so I typed it in the chat line : Oh , by the way , we 're pregnant . " My phone rang about 30 seconds after that . " That is NOT the kind of news we pass along on chat , " he said . " Oh well , " I said , " We met online , after all . I thought it was only appropriate . " We 'll be married ten years in October . Wow , where did the time go ? I just left my job of ten years , just in time , as the town 's Obstetrics and Gynecology service was imploding in the ugliest way possible . Two hospitals and two services were dumped together . Then the firings started . Nurses and doctors are being fired from the service every day now . I had a job if I stayed , but the circumstances were repugnant to me . Thus , I have decided to go adventuring , working as a travel doctor . It has always been a dream of mine . I love to travel . But here I sit , tonight , in a nice hotel in a small town in North Dakota , and I feel just a bit lonely . I texted my husband a happy birthday greeting , but that is not the same . I haven 't spoken to him yet today . And I miss my little daughter . We will Skype tonight , and I will see their faces , and hear their voices , and I will feel better . So , happy birthday honey . It 's been a crazy ride , these last ten years . We 've moved , and gotten married , and had a baby , and here we are getting all old together . I sure do love and miss you ! And I sure will have a lot of new jewelry to show you , since I 've been sitting here making it every night since I 've been here . Hope your Speaker 's Dinner and your ballroom dance are great tonight ! Can 't wait to see you again ! It seems everyone is writing a Valentine 's Day post . I considered not doing one , because I am one of those grinchy Valentine 's Day nay - sayers that everyone rolls their eyes about . I would like to establish , however , that Valentine 's Day is an absolutely wretched holiday . It brings misery to almost everyone it touches . Since childhood , I have never had a Valentine 's Day that made me happy . The best part of V - Day comes when you are a kid , and little enough to decorate the cool valentine box and have red and white cupcakes and skip around the classroom delivering your little messages . Since teachers insist that valentines be brought for the whole class , the poor little geek or stinky kids don 't get left out . Everyone gets some cards and a cupcake . And when you 're a kid , you don 't know yet how lonely you are . As soon as middle school hits , the bottom falls out . Hormones start surging . Everybody wants someone . Most people don 't get anyone . Everyone feels pretty much lonely and unloved . Of course , there was the odd beautiful couple , somehow beautiful and fully formed even in the seventh grade , but how many of us really were a part of that couple ? I think most people , given the chance , would go back in time and drop a nuclear weapon on their middle school . And at that age , the girls are swooning and wanting romance , but the boys are just thinking about sex . And not getting any . Hardly anyone , even in a young couple , does V - Day right . And by right , I mean meeting the expectations of the other party involved . Because mind reading is not common . And most of us communicate very poorly . And let us not forget the young GLBT . They may just be realizing that there is something about them that is palpably different , and it sure doesn 't include receiving flowers from the prom king or queen . Nothing gets better with age . Most people feel lonely . Relationships in high school and college are rarely too stable . And it seems someone always has magical expectations , despite the rarity of being a member of a couple , that aren 't being met . The sweeping romantic dreams of one are met by , at best , fumbling attempts to just making it through the day before someone 's head gets bitten off . Ahhh , and then adulthood . You have the alone and the lonely . Those in loveless marriages and relationships . Widows and widowers . Those whose lovers are far away , or in grave danger , away in the armed forces . Then you have the bitter and the cynics . And believe you , when I tell you from experience , that a cynic is best described as a failed romantic . Cynics believed once . They are angry because they were taken in , and reality never met their dreams . For example , an emotional terrorist that I dated in my twenties showed up at my door on V - Day with a smirk . He said , " I brought you flowers and candy ! " He was clutching a single red and white peppermint from a restaurant and a dead pine branch . Even if you are in a lovely commited marriage , with a family , V - Day may be D - Day for you . My husband thinks cut flowers are a waste of money . One year , when we still passingly celebrated V - Day , he gave me several jars of mustard . He stated they were romantic because I was doing Atkin 's diet and I could eat them with my meat . We have since put an end to Valentine 's Day in my house . We just don 't acknowledge it . And don 't forget , Valentine 's Day is a holiday completely contrived to sell candies and greeting cards . It didn 't even exist before a century or so ago . And the old adage , about making every day a Valentine 's Day , if you truly love someone , is spot on . You don 't just wait until one day to do nice things for each other . And truly , most men hate Valentine 's Day . As soon as the red and white displays go up , they start dying inside . They 're going to have to buy something . They don 't know what . They will probably wait until the last minute , because they never know what to get . And they know their partner probably has hopes for something , but human nature being what it is , they are probably not communicating their needs , because part of " romance " is that your partner " just gets it . " And of course , most of the time , they don 't . The wrong jewelry is bought . Jewelry is not bought . Chocolate is bought when partner is dieting . And on , and on , and on . Women are always getting disappointed . We have high hopes that our partner will " just get it " . We don 't communicate . And frankly , a good bit of Valentine 's for us is conspicuous consumption . After all , nothing proves that you 're loved more than a magnificent bouquet of flowers that the whole office gets to see . I remember I never felt so gratified as a couple of Valentine 's when I was dating an attorney ( who was otherwise a complete psycho , but had the whole gift thing down pat ) sent me enormous bouquets of flowers to my office . I had finally arrived . I was conspicuously loved . And when you think about that , it 's pretty damn shallow . Then there 's Valentine 's for the GLBT community . Just like anywhere else , there are committed loving couples giving great gifts . And just like everyone else , for many V - Day is just being done wrong . And then there 's the added whammy . Many relationships cannot even be acknowledged , must less commemorated in flowers and candy . If you are closeted , how do you answer the question about who sent you the flowers ? Saying " None of your damn business " over and over again is not any fun , any way you put it . And you probably can 't even keep a picture of your significant other on your desk , unless you work in a very progressive office . And you can 't bring your partner to those " fun " office picnics . So as far as I 'm concerned , Valentine 's Day is torture for most everyone . If you have a great Valentine 's Day , congratulations and I wish you the best . Just don 't forget , probably most everyone else is miserable . When I was growing up , I had a second family . This family lived next door to us for many many years . They had a daughter who was grown but they were only in their forties . This couple married as high school sweethearts . We moved in next to them when I was five . I have vague memories of sitting on their porch with them , visiting as they finished their yardwork . They smoked , and would always have a cigarette in their hands . This was very exotic to me as no one in my family smoked . They would be drinking sweet tea in Tupperware cups , the tall ones that had lids that no one used . They were the muted Tupperware colors , celery green and faded pink , and they would bring me my own glass . I remember the gentle tapping that the ice cubes made in the glasses , and the shick shick shick of the lawn sprinkler at the end of the hose . One day , the husband fell sick . He had lung cancer . He was sick , and then he died . He was only in his forties . The day of his funeral , my friend and I tried to play quietly in the yard but we were kids and we begin to run and shout . My father came out , grim faced , and told us to come inside immediately ; we were being disrespectful . We felt terrible . The day our neighbor 's husband died , she put down the cigarettes and never picked them up again . She was such a determined woman , her hair always done in a sixties bouffant flip that grayed as she got older . She never colored her hair . She did all her own yardwork , and my friend and I would come help her pull weeds and wild strawberries out of her yard . She paid better than our parents did . For yard work , she always wore zip - up coveralls that had probably belonged to her husband . She mowed her own yard , until I was old enough and did it for her . She amazed us by growing banana plants that grew actual bananas on them . She always had a big dog in her big chained in back yard . When we moved in , it was Rex , and then it was Bo . Then she finished her German Shepard phase and started with the black labs . Her first one was Inky . They were all sweet dogs and would jump up to the side of the fence to be petted . I know they were a great comfort to her after her husband passed . On the rare occasions that she went out of town , usually to visit her daughter , and later her grandchildren , I would come in to her house and let whatever dog it was into the basement to be fed and petted . She doted on her big dogs and they were inside as much as they were out . They were always well trained . As I got older , I learned what a dichotomous person she was . On the one hand , she was strong and determined , took care of herself and her house and yardwork . She was raised the youngest of a family of all boys , and she had a boy 's nickname and was a well known softball player in her day . She worked for a concrete company until the day they retired her . But her hair was always perfect , not one out of place , and she spoke in such a soft sweet Southern accent . She always stayed in great shape and dressed immaculately . She stubbornly refused to remarry for almost twenty years . Lordy , that woman loved a good gossip . When I was a child , it was mostly her talking , but as I got older , high school and college , I had gossip of my own to contribute . She was born and raised in our town , and she knew virtually everyone in it . I would start a story about someone , and she would say , " Oh , that 's so and so 's son . I always knew that family was no good . " I guess as we get older , we begin to see more sides of someone we 've known our whole life . Some of her gossip seemed a bit mean - spirited , but I figured that was just her . I was more disappointed in her than I have ever been when I was visiting her when I was home from college , and she told me that " Them gays got the AIDS because God was punishing them . " I never felt quite the same about her again , although I realized later that she was just a sheltered woman who had married out of high school and she didn 't know any better . When she finally remarried we were all surprised . She had been dating gently for years , but stayed out of the highly competitive , catty hair pulling that she said was characteristic of older ladies , whom she said would fight tooth and claw over a man , since there were so few of them available . She said one time she was out to dinner with a man and a woman came up to her and said , " Get away from him , he 's MINE . " She said she never went out with that guy again ; she didn 't need the drama . She finally met a man that was right for her , and he lived right around the corner in our neighborhood . They courted for a while and then married in a small ceremony . I could never remember to call her by her new married name ; I had known her by the old one for so long . She didn 't mind . In what I considered an impressive and admirable move , she refused to move in with her new husband and stayed in her old house . They visited back and forth . He was an avid hunter , and as tough as nails as she was , she was an avid hunter too . She went deer hunting with her husband all the time , and brought down many a deer . I remember one Christmas when she was over seventy , her proudest Christmas gift from her husband was a pair of knee - high , camouflaged , snake proof hunting boots . I came to her house to see her on one of my trips home , and there was a huge stuffed bobcat in her living room . I inquired as to the origin of said bobcat , and she said proudly , " I saw him in the woods and I shot me that old cait . Had him stuffed and I keep him in here . " She went through some rough times . As she and her husband got older , they took turns being hospitalized for more and more serious ailments . She nursed him through several protracted hospital stays . After years of marriage , in a stunning turn of events that blew our minds , her husband 's daughter got to him somehow and persuaded him that his wife was after his money . Never mind that she was still supporting herself , living in her own home . The daughter somehow twisted the knife , wanting her father 's money for her own , and turned him against my friend . He threw her out of his life without warning . We were all stunned . She must have had a premonition , hanging onto her home all those years . She shrugged it off , and after an initial flurry of filling us in on the dirt , she spoke of him no more . She 's in her eighties now . She 's gotten a bit more frail , and a bit less sharp , but there 's still a lot to her . My parents moved away from her neighborhood , but they still visit each other and catch up on the news . When my childhood friend remarried , I told her and her first response was , " I know his Daddy . " She always knew everyone , and everyone 's business . I haven 't seen her in several years , but we exchange Christmas cards . She 's a tough lady and I think she 'll hang on quite a while yet . My husband and I went out on a date tonight . I was very excited . We hired a sitter for the whole day and went and saw The Hobbit and then went to Ruth 's Chris for dinner . Kevin got me a massive Ruth 's Chris gift card for Christmas , since we are on Atkin 's diet and are currently eating MEAT and CHEESE and more MEAT . I am so sick of meat . But I love me some Ruth 's Chris . The Hobbit was awesome . It was a bit loooonng , over two and a half hours . But we saw the 3D , 48 frame / minute version which was KILLER . The dwarves had a great look . And the dwarf king ( prince ? ) was actually pretty hot . There were like thirty minutes of previews before the movie even started . Now , I love watching the previews , but my husband does not . He says they give too much of the story line away . But - still - how do you know what you want to go see if you don 't watch the previews ? And preview watching is actually my version of watching the movie , most of the time . I don 't go to too many movies in the theater . I prefer to wait and see them at home where there aren 't people climbing all over your lap and texting and spilling their drinks on your feet . But my husband loves to see them in the theater , on the big screen . So he goes to a lot of movies by himself . Plus he likes a bunch of really violent ones that I don 't like to watch . They upset me . I saw this great quote on Facebook ( I know , groan ) that said " Two hours of violence in a movie won 't affect you , right ? . But a thirty second spot in the Superbowl is worth 3 . 8 million dollars because it will make you run out and buy a product . " I know the violence in movies affects me . It either upsets me or makes me feel very aggressive , depending on my mood . So The Hobbit rocked . Then we went on to Ruth 's Chris . They stuck us at what looked like this cozy little curved booth that turned out to be right by the door to the kitchen . So it wasn 't so cozy . Our server was this skinny little girl who kept saying , " Absolutely ! " My husband said if she said " Absolutely ! " one more time , he was gonna come up out of his chair . So we were boring patrons , because we didn 't order drinks . I don 't drink anymore , because I shouldn 't , and most of the time , my husband doesn 't drink either . Every once in a while a marguerita will call his name , and I 'll wind up driving home . Doesn 't happen too often though . I must say , I surely do miss beer . So we refused bread too , because we 're on the Atkins diet together . They forgot and brought it to us anyway . They seemed most upset that we were refusing their bread . Rejected , almost . Kevin got a stuffed chicken breast , which I couldn 't believe , because why would you get a chicken breast when you 're in a place that has an amazing filet . Right ? I got the filet and lobster combo . I know how to spend a gift card . We both got tasty wedge salads , which are covered in blue cheese crumbles and blue cheese dressing . Perfect for Mr . Atkins . I snarfed my surf and turf , and Kevin saved half his ( double ) chicken breast for later . It was stuffed with cheese and garlic and was pretty tasty too . It was raining when we got out of the movie and went on to dinner , so I was checking the forecast for tomorrow . I really don 't want it to rain tomorrow , because Kevin promised me we can all go to the wildlife refuge , so I can take some pictures with my camera , and he and our daughter can look at the birds . I am very excited about that outing , as I have been learning some new things about my camera . Kevin made me promise to study up if he would buy me a new macro lens for the camera and he did ! So I 've been learning about how to manually set my DSLR . I will try out some fancy f - stops and apertures and stuff when we go out tomorrow . Can 't wait ! Kevin finally got his first decent night 's sleep in years last night . He is a hard core insomniac and usually wakes several times during the night , then gives up and gets up around four or five . He does this despite Ambien , melatonin , and some of my Klonopin . I had these Extended Release Xanax pills my shrink gave me for anxiety . I took one and it turned me into a molten puddle of goo . I could barely keep my tongue in my mouth . Those things made me utterly stupid , and not in a good way . I refused to take any more , but I saved them . I finally talked Kevin into taking one last night , to see if they would help him sleep . He slept the whole night ! He slept until nine in the morning ! He says he can 't ever in his whole life hardly remember doing that . He was amazed . He was still out of it when he woke up . I 'm thrilled we 've finally found him something that will help him sleep . He was desperate . He hadn 't slept more than a few hours per night for weeks . He plans to take another tonight and see if he can get another night 's great sleep . So we 'll get on Netflix and watch an episode of In Plain Sight , and then hopefully he 'll crash . And tomorrow we 're going to the wildlife refuge . So I 'm looking forward to tomorrow ! Well , here I sit on Saturday night , and I have not written a blog post today . I have been writing a post a day for months . I haven 't missed a day . I am on call this weekend and I have already delivered three babies . I just came back home from doing a circumcision and a c - section . It is after seven o ' clock . I have no blog post . I informed my husband that I have no blog post . My husband said , " You always write about what a bad husband I am . Why don 't you write a blog post about what an awesome husband I am ? " I said , " I write great things about you too . You just don 't notice them . But that 's a great idea . Today I 'm going to write a post about how awesome you are . " So here is how awesome my husband is : When I first met my husband , I was having a lot of problems . He was one of the few people in my life who actually noticed that I was in trouble and he tried to help me out . In fact , when my personal problems threatened to eat me alive , he put his foot down and asked me to choose between my bad habits and him . He loved me . I picked him . He noticed that I was miserable in my current job . So much so that when I broke a molar from grinding my teeth in my sleep , I was elated because I could spend the day in the dentist 's chair having a crown made and not have to go to work . He felt this indicated a problem . He helped me find a new job , one closer to my parents because we were planning on getting married and having a family . He defended me against my mother when she decided that she couldn 't stand him . He actually stood up to her and told her how much she was hurting me , trying to sabotage the relationship while we were planning a wedding . She actually listened to him . He 's a problem solver . We got married and I settled into my new job . He had made a sacrifice by leaving Atlanta , where he had been very happy and had lots of work . He is an independent contractor , so he has lots of work everywhere . And Atlanta was very convenient for him . He gave that up . A year later , we decided to get pregnant . He had a surgery to make sure he was good and fertile . I was already pregnant when he had the surgery . We just didn 't know it . He put up with my crazy hormonal pregnant crap for ten months . Actually I was pretty good . I just had this weird habit of bursting into tears on Sunday nights when he was about to leave for Atlanta the next day . I was convinced his plane was going to crash and he would never see his baby . He was right there in the c - section room with me when we had our baby . And after that awful experience , he held my wrists for forty - five minutes to stop the shaking in my body that hurt my new incision so much . And when our baby had horrible colic , he walked the floor with her for hours . He jiggled her to sleep in his lap almost every night . He carried her around in a little sling while he worked . He took over when I was so dazed with postpartum depression and colic and sleep deprivation that I could hardly see straight . He took care of her at home while I went back to work . He tried working from home with a baby and a babysitter for six months . He finally realized he wasn 't getting any work done , and we had to put her in daycare . But he tried for half a year . We went through four or five daycares before we found one where she could stay ; where we felt comfortable with her staying . Over the years , he has done the lion 's share of the work . My only contribution has been to work long hours as an Ob / Gyn . But to be honest , I just don 't get that much done when I am home . He hired us a housekeeper , who keeps the place picked up . He waters the houseplants and sprays the orchids . He runs the vacuum , because dust bothers him . He does laundry and arranges to get the lawn mowed and does all the yard work , keeping the roses trimmed back and the beds edged and the lilies cut and everything watered . When the house is falling down around our ears , he does the research for the contractors and supervises them and makes sure the work gets done . He works his butt off at his job , sometimes working from home and sometimes travelling . He has done much more than his fair share of the work for years and he rarely complains about it . He keeps on me to do the little things that he has me do around the house , and is more than patient when I don 't get them done . He does more than his fair share of parenting . He reads to our daughter almost every night , helps with her bath or her shower , gets her up and gets her dressed and takes her to the bus most days so I can sleep in . He plays with her and practices softball and plays chess and tickles her and reads graphic novels to her and goes to all her plays and school lunches , because I can 't go . He 's an awesome father and my daughter is a daddy 's girl who loves him so very much . He spoils me . He tucks me in at night . He cooks for us . He turns on the fire for me . He brings me blankets when I 'm cold . He has allowed much more spending on my part than he would like to see . He is understanding when I am tired coming home from work . Most recently , he is allowing me to work part time . My job has been wearing me down so much over the past ten or fifteen years , and it 's making me old and depressed and he notices that . He has just sold his airplane that he loves because it will be too expensive to keep once I am only working part time . He has helped me get a job as a locum tenens ( travel doctor ) and I will work two weeks and be off two weeks . That way I can be more of a wife and mother . Hopefully I will do more around the house , cleaning and organizing . This way he will be able to travel for work in the weeks that I am home . I pray it will work out for the best for both of us . He deserves a happier , more giving , more present wife . I hope I will be able to do that for him . I WILL do that for him . Gifts were exchanged at work this year for Christmas and I both gave and received candles . I just love candles . My husband loves burning them to the ground . He saw the giftwrapping on the stairs and said , " What did you get ? " I showed him the big tasty candle I had just gotten from Anthropologie - three wicks and a delicious smell . I woke up this morning to find it half burned down in the kitchen . " Smells like a French whore , " he said , happily . So our whole house smells like an expensive whore house , the expensive because I know how much that candle cost , and the whore house because my husband is never happier than when he is burning up my candles and being inappropriate . I didn 't exactly get to enjoy the ambience of my candle , since it was half gone in the kitchen when I woke up , but I should have known better than to show it to him in the first place . Later he will do this excavating thing that he does with candles when he thinks they need rejuvenating and he will dig it and claw it and make it all ugly . There will be no stopping him . My husband needs to be kept away from candles . Especially at Christmas . 0620 : Put on scrubs . Discover I forget socks and return to closet . Put on lotion ( pump doesn 't work - dip pump and pull out like honey spoon ) . Heavy deodorant . 0625 : Mousse hair . Mousse foams up so much I have enough to cover two heads . Apply extra mousse so as not to waste it so head is totally sticky . 0635 : Listen to child reject all clothing suggestions . Allow child to put on dark green Christmas shirt with lime green floral skirt and tights . Top off with shiny silver Ugg - type boots , which are already scuffed up even though we bought them two weeks ago . 0650 : Beg child to allow me to brush her hair . Screaming . Tenderheaded . Hair has been pulled . Still in snarls . Child will not permit me to touch her with the hairbrush any more . Hope screaming did not wake up husband . 0655 : Nag child to finish milk and pick up backpack - time to go to bus stop . Grab keys and coat . Child has left her coat at school so , no coat . Sweater . 1249 - 1325 : Do circumcision . Father wants to stand outside the door to " be close to his son . " Warn him baby is going to cry . A lot . 1751 - 1800 : Child begs to get dinner at local frozen yogurt joint . Say no repeatedly . Child begins to whine . " You never do anything I want to do . We never eat out . " Glare at child in rear view mirror . 1801 - 1815 : Drive home . Get silent treatment from child . Is a welcome reprieve from all the chattering . Attempt to engage child in conversation about school . Stony silence . 1846 - 1900 : Go through child 's backpack . Sneakily throw away everything you can . Make sure child has done homework . Remark that her library books are late again . Fill out permission slips and put in money for field trips . 1933 : In shower after nagging multiple times to get in bathroom . Playing with water and splashing it on the wooden bathroom floor . Singing alarming pop songs that a seven year old child should not know . He had had enough . His friends were questioning his sanity . He had gone above and beyond , really , so why did he feel so guilty ? When he lost Sis he felt like his life was over . He had spent his life protecting her , and ultimately , defending her when her relationship fell through and the father of her children left her . After all , in those times , no one had children out of wedlock . That was just Sis though . She was such a beatnik . She had always been such a free spirit . The kids at school had treated her like a freak . And a freak she was . She was beautiful in an odd way , with her pointed chin and her quizzical eyes . But she dressed unlike anyone in her class , preferring to haunt thrift shops for ratty old pieces of clothing that she put together in odd ways . She found a used drum set , and she banged away on them at odd hours when their folks were not around . Which was often . Their folks had been drunks , long before that became stylish , and he found himself at home with his little Sis all the time . Their folks had both died badly - their mom fell down the stairs ( although everyone swore Dad pushed her ) and Dad bled out in the hospital Emergency Room with bleeding varices from his ruined liver . He had wound up with a strange little sister and a lifetime of bad memories . Then Sis got hooked up with a man more freakish than she . He fancied himself a poet , and a free spirit and he and Sis moved in together long before that became acceptable . When she found herself pregnant , her father disowned her , just before he died . He was just sober enough for it to register that his daughter was pregnant and not married , and that even for him this was unacceptable . The disowning was a formality , really , as he died broke and had nothing to leave them . Sis and her man fought on and off for two years , and then suddenly she was pregnant again . Imagine that . The brother had been slipping her little bits of money and food when he could , that useless son of a bitch Sis was with didn 't think that a job was included in his adult dutiesThen the worst happened . Sis got a lift home from the store one day and was killed instantly when the car she was in slammed into a bridge abutment . The two kids had been left home alone , and when he got the call and no mention was made of small children in the car , he went to go get them . What choice did he have ? There they were , tiny and alone , but oddly undisturbed by their abandonment . This was not the first time Sis had had to leave them home alone . He tried to think of a way to explain what had happened , but they were so small , and looked at him so strangely that he just told them that Sis had been in an accident and would not be coming back . This seemed to satisfy them ; neither of them questioned him at all . So he just took them home with him . With his limited funds , he was able to hire an elderly woman in the neighborhood to care for them when he was gone to work , and then money and food were even more scarce . He found a second job delivering the papers early in the morning . Nothing had prepared him for having small children . They cried , and shrieked , and ran around the house , and tore the place up . The woman who was keeping them reassured him they were fine , that all small children were like this . He spent all his money on rent and on food for them . He went to work , and he came home , and there were children there , and then he got up before dawn and went to work again . His social life had never been very active ; he had had few girlfriends since he was so soured on marriage and so busy with his Sis . Now , though , there was no chance of anything at all . So , as luck would have it , he met someone . There was a woman on one of his paper routes who had been widowed young , and she began to take the habit of waiting for her paper to arrive so she could chat a few minutes with him . Still he did not take her out , or call on her , for quite some time . After all , the children were at home , and the elderly woman who kept them could not be prevailed upon to keep them of an evening , and who could blame her ? One morning , the woman on his paper route invited him to dinner . He stammered and stuttered and finally explained that although he was unwed and had no children of his own , that he was left with the responsibility of caring for Sis 's children and that there were two children at home waiting for him . " Bring them , " she said . It turned out she was childless , for she had lost her husband before they could have children . So he brought the children to dinner at her house , and they ran , and shrieked and generally behaved as they always did . But the woman seemed curiously undisturbed . She found the children adorable . And , he supposed , as children went , they were . They began to see the woman more and more often ; she somehow found out where they lived and brought them a casserole dinner one night . She brought gifts for the children too : toys and little outfits . He felt as though he were taking advantage of her , but she persisted in her wooing of him and the children , and before long , she began to feel like family . A year after he found his " gentlewoman caller " , she began to drop hints and before he knew it , somehow he found himself engaged . He told her he could not afford a church wedding . " Then we 'll just go before the justice of the peace , " she replied . And so , one afternoon he checked out early from work and picked up the children , as the woman had specifically said she wanted them present . They met on the sidewalk ; the woman had a camera and proposed a photograph of the three of them , him and the two little children . She snapped the photo , and they went on to the justice of the peace , who married them with the two children standing with them , wearing their best clothes . Years from then , when the children asked about the picture he told them , " That 's how we were then , before Mama came to be with us . It was just the three of us , since we lost Sis . " They did not remember Sis , all they remembered was Mama . And the man who did not believe in children , or in marriage , came to find himself happily ensconced with both . My husband called me last night to tell me how his trip to Seattle was going . He just arrived there in the late afternoon . He was pretty proud of himself before he left because he had used Hilton points for a free stay at his hotel for a week and Hertz points for a free rental car . I should put " free " in quotes here . When he called , he seemed quite indignant about something . " Facility fee ! " he said . " Facility fee ? ' I said . I am used to him having facility fees because he is a pilot and you have to pay a certain amount of money for an FBO to keep your plane overnight . They also like you to buy fuel . The thing is , my husband didn 't fly his plane to Seattle - it was too far and he would be too exhausted to function at his conference , where he has to speak . " They are charging me to house the car until I pick it up , " he said , highly indignant . " They are charging a thirty dollar facility fee . I 've rented a car for a whole day before for less than thirty dollars ! " " A NISSAN MAXIMA , " he said . " That 's what 's going for a premium car these days . A Nissan Maxima . Here I was all excited ; I thought , maybe I 'll get a Cadillac or an SUV or something . When I was heading to my parking space to pick up my car I saw a Mustang right there , and I thought , wow , perfect , I would love it if I got a Mustang . But no , that was the car in the space ACROSS from my car . I got a Nissan Maxima and it had scratches all over the back . And it smells like someone 's been smoking in it . And it doesn 't even have XM radio . Most rentals I get at least have that . All I can say is , there must be several levels above premium these days , because this sure wasn 't it . " " I tried to set it for my destination while I was still in the parking garage . It went crazy trying to triangulate three satillites that it couldn 't pick up . It finally gave up and put me at my last location : home . Then it told me I had two thousand three hundred miles to my destination and started giving me directions out of our neighborhood . " " Well , I decided not to complain . It seemed like a lot to complain about for a free car . I did tell her I was furious over the facility fee . And I told her I was shocked that a Maxima was a premium car . She agreed about the car . Then I drove twenty miles to my hotel . " Very delightful results . My husband read my blog this weekend , and I mean , the entire thing . I was wondering if he was ever going to care enough to read it . We had quite a discussion afterwards , in fact , he woke me up after he read it to discuss . He was quite put out with what he deemed poor communication on my part ; apparently I had communicated my feelings on some issues better on my blog than I had to him . I think he is forgiving me though . At any rate , one of my blog posts revolved around how frustrated I feel with all the plastic junk that my husband and daughter have accumulated throughout the house , and my inability to get rid of it . We woke up this morning , and Kevin announced that we were CLEANING HOUSE and THROWING THINGS AWAY ! I guess he read that post and took it to heart that the awful mess made me twitchy . We started by explaining to my daughter that we would be giving away a lot of toys that she doesn 't play with , throwing away a lot of plastic and paper crap and giving away a lot of clothes that don 't fit her anymore . She cried a bit at first , but quickly got into the spirit of cleaning and throwing things away . I was surprised . We filled garbage bag after garbage bag and box after box . I then tackled my closet and ripped through skirts , dresses , jackets , sweaters , long and short sleeve shirts , and I mean ripped through . We had five garbage bags full of clothes from just my closet , and my husband got a couple bags out of his . We even had a whole box of coat hangers to give away . We had two bags of little kid 's clothes and boxes of toys for the Goodwill . I cleaned old items out of the pantry and out of the fridge . It was a very satisfying purge of the whole house . We got rid of the rat cage of the now deceased rat too , and then we vaccuumed everywhere , now that there were patches of carpet visible . My husband tackled his office , which is no mean task , but he will certainly be the better for it when he gets it cleaned out . All in all , it was a purging sort of day . I felt emotionally purged because my husband read my blog and learned many things ( that maybe I should have told him ) . Then we emptied the house and that was a physical purge that was equally satisfying . I hope we can keep up this pace and continue to clean things up until the whole house is in a state where it needs to be . Then maybe emotionally we will be refreshed and spiritually cleansed , as getting rid of earthly belongings is definitely a purifying act . I feel that things are getting on the right track . |
There was a man named Hakim who lived in a small house by a lake named Apple Lake . On the night of his birthday , Hakim went to a nice restaurant for dinner . He had a delicious dinner and he really enjoyed the chilli bread that was served with the chicken soup . He cut a slice of the bread and popped it into his mouth . His face suddenly turned red and he ran around his kitchen searching for his apple juice . He poured it into a glass , spilling half of the juice on the floor . He drank the apple juice as fast as he could . Then he poured another glass and drank the juice until he felt better . He looked at the bread , wondering what to do with it . He walked out of the kitchen and stumbled upon some button mushrooms in his backyard garden . He looked at the mushrooms and suddenly he got an idea . He could cook some mushroom soup so that he could eat it with the hot bread and reduce the spiciness of the bread . He searched his cookbooks for a nice mushroom soup recipe . Then he found the one that he liked . He was so excited and he went to a grocery store to buy the ingredients for his mushroom soup . As soon as he was back home , he prepared all the ingredients and started to cook the soup . After an hour , he put the pot full of the freshly cooked mushroom soup on the dining table and added some fresh black pepper to the soup . He poured the soup into a bowl and tasted it . It was very , very tasty with chunky pieces of tasty mushrooms floating in the soup . Then he took out a knife and sliced the chilli bread . He dipped it into the tasty mushroom soup , but again , his face turned red . The bread was still too hot even when he ate it together with the mushroom soup . Once again , he went around searching for his apple juice . After he felt better , he thought hard about what should he do with the bread . Then he heard the sound of cats fighting outside his house . An idea struck in his mind and he took a piece of the bread . He went out and called for the cats . He placed the small piece of bread on a white plate and the hungry cats started eating . But then they all ran away for they too could not stand the spiciness of the bread . So Hakim went back inside , thinking of what should he do . Then his phone rang and Hakim quickly ran to answer the phone . It was his old friend from India calling . His friend was in town and Hakim asked him if he would like to come to his house for dinner . Hakim 's friend agreed and told Hakim that he would appreciate something hot and spicy for he really missed the hot and spicy Indian food . When his old Indian friend came , he could smell the delicious aroma of the chilli bread heated in the oven and the freshly cooked meat pie from the living room . Hakim served the delicious food and they started their dinner . The Indian man took a slice of the chilli bread and dipped it into his soup . He popped the bread into his mouth and Hakim looked at his friend nervously , wondering if the chilli bread was too hot for him too . Hakim told his friend about what happened to him when he ate the hot chilli bread . As the old saying goes , ' too much of anything is bad for you ' . Hakim made a conclusion that even though he loved a hotter chilli bread than the ones he ate at the restaurant , he must not add too much chili flakes to his bread because it will be too hot for him . One windy day the little boy was walking down a lane , holding a stick in his small hand . He did not know that it was a magical stick , for he found it laying on the sand . He took it home and wrote his name on it , to that mark the stick was his . Then as he was waving it around , it slip off his hand and flew towards the west . A small blue bird was flying towards the south , to go back to its nest . Then suddenly it collided with the stick , and the poor little bird fell into a nest . It thought the nest was his , but actually it was not . The magic stick continued its flight , and flew towards the west . Then it flew straight into a tree and got stuck in between the leaves . A big squirrel climbed up the tree , shaking the branches and the stick fell down hitting a cat . The cat attacked the stick till it flew up and caught by a red - breasted robin . The robin flew high up in the sky , with the stick in its beak . But as it turned left , the stick slipped down towards a park . It fell onto a little boy who was playing on a swing . He looked at the stick , pick it up and started laughing . He then threw it high up and the stick flew away to the other side of the park . Some joggers saw it coming and they kicked the stick before it could land on the park . The stick again departed on a journey , this time to a small house where lived a family of nine . It fell on the roof but the strong wind blew it up again . It landed on their car that was on the way to a ranch . The car hit a bump and the stick jumped onto a tree branch . As it landed on the tree , a raven held its claw tightly to the branch , then moving to its nest . The black raven hit the stick and the stick fell onto a hawk that was swooping down for a lunch which was a white mice . The hawk then flew away with the stick on its back , and it took the stick high up to the sky . It flew far , far away over the farms and meadows , to search for another prey . On a beautiful meadow , there was a farmer with his white and black cows . Then out came a rabbit , and it ran towards the cows . The hawk saw the rabbit , and it swooped to catch its prey . As the hawk jerked , the stick fell down into a big apple tree . The stick fell through the branches and down the big tree . Down came the stick , until it hit a boy 's head . The boy looked at the stick and saw his name on it ! So , the sad little boy had got his stick back . It was the stick that he accidentally let go a few days back . The happy little boy took the stick home , waving the stick like a little wand . He could never guess how far had the stick went before it got back in his hand . Over the trees , from a village to a town , over the farms and the meadows to get back into his hand . The next day , they started building the house . They built the foundation , and after that they started to put up the bricks . Then they made the flooring , plastered the walls and painted them . " Thank you , " said Mr . Flexi . " This house is awesome . Here is the check for the rest of the payment . I am very happy to do business with your company . Please tell Martin that he had done a good job " Lloyd , Doyle and Peter went to a coffee house to enjoy the afternoon after they had completed building the house . They drank delicious hot coffee and ate scones with jam and fresh cream . Then they went to their office to meet their boss , Martin . " Any more houses we need to build , Martin ? " asked Doyle . " We 're all ready to start on a new project . I just can 't wait to start building a new house ! " So they all went into Martin 's black car and he drove them to his house . He parked it at the porch and they all came out of the car . Martin 's pet cats ran to greet him and his friends . One of the cat went back to it 's cage to take a letter that arrived that morning . " Good cat ! " said Martin , giving the cat a new toy . It 's just a crumpled small piece of paper that was not needed any more . The cat happily played with it together with the others , rolling it around like a ball , running over each other to play with the new toy . He opened the door and walked inside , followed by the others . Martin served them some delicious homemade bread with homemade strawberry jam and lots of delicious fresh cream . They drank the hot , mint tea and it was so tasty that Martin had to brew another pot of mint tea for them . They talked about the house that they built for Mr . Flexi and later about the robbery in front of Keith 's new house that they built before Mr . Flexi 's . Martin was painting Mr . Flexi 's house when he saw the incident happened . It happened so fast and no one knew who the robber was for he wore a mask that covered his whole face with tiny dots at the eyes to let him see where he was going . After that , they had a dinner at a restaurant near Martin 's house . When they reached the restaurant , a small hungry white kitten with blue eyes went to Martin , pleading for food . Martin stroke the tiny cat and wondering what to give to the poor kitten . He only had some sweets and chewing gums in his pocket and wondered if the cat would like to eat them . Suddenly the tiny kitten ran away as if it was scared of something . Then Martin saw a man wearing a thick black jacket walking into the restaurant . He looked familiar but Martin could not remember he was . Martin walked to the table where his friends sat . He looked at the menu and ordered Ceasar Salad , baked salmon and ice - cream . Martin looked around him and saw the man in the thick black jacket sat next to their table . When their order came , Martin and his friends stopped talking and enjoyed their delicious dinner . Martin was enjoying his baked salmon when the man in the thick black jacket walked to their table , took Martin 's bag and ran away . The thief jumped over a big box and Martin jumped over it too , the thief jumped over a big truck 's tyre and Martin jumped over it too . The thief took a left turn and Martin went after him . And when the thief went right , Martin climbed onto a tall apple tree , jumped down to the other side of the tall wall . He caught the thief and he pushed him down to the ground . The next day , the case was on the front page of all the news papers in Boomland . ' Brave Contractor Caught A Thief ' , Martin read the article proudly with his friends in his office . He felt so happy to get his bag back and to help the police solve other robbery cases that were committed by the same man . The man was the masked man who robbed Keith in front of his house , that was why he looked familiar when Martin saw him in front of the restaurant . It was a breezy Saturday and they were almost finished . Martin was on a ladder , painting the porch while singing a nice sentimental song . He was holding a paint bucket in one arm , and trying very hard not to drop it . A week after it was ready , Keith invited Martin to visit the house . It looked so grand for it is big and it was decorate with nice furniture . There was an old fashioned pond with a tortoise in the garden with beautiful , snow white flowers around it . So , Martin decided to buy the house as it was so beautiful and he planned to grow apple trees around the house . Martin said goodbye to his staffs as they left his house . Suddenly he saw a kitten walking to his house . It was a cute little black and white kitten , with beautiful , glowing green eyes . He looked at it , wondering what should he do . He walked softly to the cat and the cat looked afraid . Martin gently stroked the cat and it purred softly as it knew that Martin was not going to cause any harm . The kitten 's mother came by . It brushed itself against the gate , looking at Martin . Martin looked softly at the big , black female cat as it walked towards its kitten . He was wondering whether the big cat was ferocious . The big cat came to Martin , purring till Martin could feel its throat vibrating softly . Suddenly it jumped up and ran away . He clicked the little red button on his phone and he went inside . The raindrops had started to fall and the little cat had walked away . Suddenly he felt so lonely . He woke up early the next day . He remembered very well that it was his birthday . He wore a plain white shirt and a black jacket which made him look grand . He put on his black neck tie and then he went downstairs . He took his car keys and drove to his office . He arrived there in just about five minutes . He went inside . The office was dark and he wondered if he was too early . He sat down for a moment , and then he walked to the meeting room to get things ready . He opened the door of the meeting room and saw that everything was ready for the meeting . The projector screen was set and the projector was on the table . The chairs were arranged and the curtains were opened . It was a surprise birthday party ! Martin was very happy to celebrate his birthday with his friends . The projector was set to play a movie that Martin had always wanted to watch but was too busy to go to the cinema to watch it . " No , " said the police chief . " It 's someone else who did something wrong . We are here to make sure that your doors won 't be stolen . " " Well , it 's too late , sir . My beautiful front door is already stolen ! In fact I was about to go inside and call the police regarding this matter , " said Mr . Luke . " When did you find out that your door is stolen and did you see anybody suspicious before it happened ? " asked the police chief . " Mic and Reen came here just now to have tea with me and that was when we found out that my front door is gone . By the way , I did not hear anything or see anybody suspicious , sir . Please , I really hope that you can help me to get my door back . " Then he saw something that looked like a piece of purple cloth sticking out from the bushes . He tried to pull it but it was stuck . Mic pulled harder and harder until suddenly it pulled him back towards the bushes . Then the bushes shook and Mic saw something green and purple crawling under the bushes . Everybody was surprised and Reen who was enjoying his third cookie , was almost choked in surprised . At that moment , a man jumped out from the bushes and pushed Mic to the ground before he ran away . The man jumped over the fence , and ran towards Miss Hong 's house . Mic picked himself up and ran to take a piece of cookie before he ran to Miss Hong 's house . Suddenly , Pete who came running from the opposite side ran into the suspect . They collided and both of them fell to the ground with the tall man on top of Pete . " Pete ! Are you all right ? " shouted Mic as the policemen ran to catch the suspect . The suspect got up , pushed a policeman to the ground and tried to run away . Four other policemen surrounded the suspect and caught him . The suspect was a tall and a very strong man , but the four policemen were too strong for him . The suspect was handcuffed and taken to the police car . Pete and Safora ran back to their house as fast as they could . They went inside the house and Pete locked the door . He switched on the lights in the dining room and turned towards his sister . " What an adventure , " said Pete excitedly . " But it 's a sad thing that we could not get to hear more of their secret plans . Safora , please contact Mic and tell him what happened while I prepare something for us to eat . " Safora sat on her favourite chair and took out her phone . She sent Mic a message telling him that they were already back home and that he could now go to bed . She also told him that she forgot to silence her phone and that it made a loud beeping sound at the beach . Meanwhile in the kitchen , Pete took out some cheese and bread and prepared some sandwiches for both of them . After eating their delicious supper , they went to bed . They both slept well , dreaming about solving the mystery . In Pete 's dream , he met a big fat giant and the giant shook him until he could not breath . Then he heard a familiar voice calling his name , it was his mother trying to wake him up . Pete got up from his bed and rushed to the bathroom to take a bath . After eating his breakfast , he ran to Mic 's house with Safora . The four of them discussed about what had happened last night . " I 've sent the information to the police chief , " said Mic . " He said that he will go to the gang 's headquarters this morning . I think we too should go there and check out the place . How about asking the milkman if we can help him deliver milk at that location ? By the way , the milkman is really late today . Normally he comes very early . " " Good idea , " said Reen . " A very good idea , indeed . I think I should go there with Pete and I could use my blue and green wagon to carry the milk . " " Well , sure ! " answered the milkman . " I am almost done , there are only a few more houses left . And here are the addresses . Just be careful and don 't break the bottles . I shall be at my house , at number 611 on 505 Street . It is just around the corner . You 'll just send me back the crates and there will be rewards for you . " " He is XYZ ! " said Pete in a low voice . " That milkman is XYZ ! His face , his voice and where he lives ! I just can 't believe it . So , he lives at the the thieves ' headquarters . Take notice of each people in the house when we send these crates . Man ! I just can 't believe it . If we see Miss Nyla 's door , we 'll call the police chief . Mic and Safora , please call the police chief if Reen and I are not back or if you hear nothing from us after an hour . " Before Reen could finish his sentence , XYZ covered Reen 's mouth with duct tape and then did the same to Pete . Soon they heard the door bell . As XYZ stood up to open the door , he accidentally dropped his phone . The whole gang sat at the dinning table and started eating their tasty pizzas without realizing that Pete had managed to pick up XYZ 's phone which was on the floor not far from where Pete was tied up . The gang members were talking to each other noisily while enjoying their pizzas . Pete who was familiar with that type of hand phone tried to send a message to Safora . He could not type properly as he could not see the phone keys for his hands were tied up behind his back , so he could not see the phone keys . At Mic 's house , Mic and Safora were very worried because Pete and Reen were gone for nearly an hour and they still heard nothing from them . Suddenly Safora heard her phone ringing . She took it up and saw a funny message from an unknown phone number . Safora quickly called the police chief and told him what happened . The police chief told her not to worry because he had almost reach the house . After that , Safora and Mic rushed to the gang 's headquarters and when they reached the house , they saw the police chief ringing the door bell . Someone opened the door thinking it was a pizza man as they had ordered more pizzas . The police chief went inside the house followed by a few policemen . Some of the gang members ran outside from the windows and the kitchen door not knowing that the police had already surrounded the house . Anyway one of them managed to escape and ran away toward the woods . On Wednesday night , Pete and Safora had an early dinner . By half past eight , they had already washed all the plates and cleaned up the dinning table . Their parents were away till the next day and their mother had prepared their meals and put them in the refrigerator for them to heat up . " All right , we are all done , " said Pete , washing his hands . " We better check our things and get ready to go to the beach . Just think about it , we may be able to hear their plans and every thing they will discuss in their meeting ! " Less than ten minutes later , Pete and Safora arrived at the beach . They hid behind a closed stall as planned . Pete peeked through the top of the stall counter . He took out his micro listener and his night vision glasses and put them on to help him see and hear things clearly . Meanwhile , Safora was hiding under the counter with her phone in her hand , ready to text Mic the information needed to be sent . It was after nine o ' clock when Pete saw a few men walking to the beach . They stopped not far from where Pete and Safora were hiding and sat down on the sand . They looked around them and a few minutes later , a tall man started the meeting . " All right , is every body here ? " started the tall man in a purple jacket in a low voice . " 498 , here . 767 , here . 123 , here . 555 , here . ABC , here . And XYZ which is me , also here . " " Now , where is 8910 ? " asked someone in a crooked voice . " Never mind , that guy is always late , " said XYZ . " Maybe he 's asleep . All right , now we 've got three doors . The first one is from Miss Nyla 's house , then from Mr . Lonard 's house and the third is from Mrs . Kale 's house which is not in Woodsland . We are going to steal 5 more doors , but we will do it outside of Woodsland . ABC , steal the strongest and finest door in Whitehall . 767 , do the same thing as ABC in Petershall . 555 , go to Mr . Pete 's , Miss Hong 's , and Mr . Luke 's house in Canary Street , Kingston and steal their doors tomorrow night . All three of them have nice doors and they will not be at home . They are now in London for a week . After you are done , bring those doors to our new headquarters at number 611 of 505 Street . " Safora sent the message to Mic . Anyway she forgot to silent her phone and it made a loud beep that surprised the gang . Pete grabbed Safora 's hands and together they crept to the bushes behind the stall and after they are far enough , they ran home as fast as they could , afraid of being caught . It was a windy night and waves made a loud sound as they crashed on the shore . Pete and Safora were lucky that the gang could not hear or see them creeping in the bushes . The gang checked their phones and asked each other whose phone was beeping . They then searched all around them and after a while one of the gang said , " This is creepy , I think we should stop this meeting and continue some other times just in case there is some body watching us . " Top Posts Menjawab Dr . Ariffin Omar : Apa salahnya kalau Penang hendak dijadikan Christian city ? Kepimpinan PAN Yang Buta Hati Dan Keliru Recent Comments Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Akta 355 : DAP MPs , Please Do Y … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Act 355 : Interfaith Group … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Akta 355 : DAP MPs , Please Do Y … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Act 355 : G25 , Stop Lying About … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Tidak Ada Sebab Wakil Rakyat A … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Act 355 : Interfaith Group … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Video Aksi Siti Zabedah Kasim … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Act 355 : G25 , Stop Lying About … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Jawapan Kepada Kenyataan Menge … Menjawab Dr . Ariffin … on Tidak Ada Sebab Wakil Rakyat A … Menjawab Dr . 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I have started a new blog . it is www . oldfashionmom . com I am so glad to have people who like my blog and want to share our adventures . Please follow us to our new blog . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 We went to the race track last night . We had just watched the movie " Seabiscuit " . In this movie the jockeys are on the horses with saddles . At the race track by us the horses pull carts and the jockeys are in the carts . Cart is probably not the correct word . It took my kids awhile to get over the fact that the jockeys were in carts . We had just finished getting the kids school supplies , so we were late . They had already run two races . We sat outside at first . It was warmer that when William and I went . All of the picnic tables were taken so we stood at the railing . After a few races we went inside . We went over to where we could see the horses in the stalls and watched them for a while . Then we went upstairs for a while to watch . The front wall is all glass to watch the racing through . They also have TVs . We could see the names of the horses . We chose which horse we liked and talked about which horse had the coolest name . After a while the kids wanted to go back outside . We saw the last two races outside . Then we took Beth 's friend home . It was a long day but we had fun . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 We went ice skating yesterday . We haven 't gone in a long time . William went with us . That was nice . He is older and doesn 't go many places with us any more . We also took one of Beth 's friends . We had a full car . When we got there , there were only about five other people going in . As time went on more people showed up . Open skate is for an hour and fifty minutes . After skating in a circle for that long with the same people it becomes like a neighborhood . We begin to know which people are there as families or groups , which little kids can skate so fast around everyone . We become like a new neighborhood . There together in a small area , but all too new to have spoken and introduced ourselves . We exist together , but separate for a while . . . then open skate is over . We can 't say goodbye to them , we don 't know them . . . we all go back to our own lives . The next time that we go it will be a different neighborhood . Last night we went to the Art Museum . I really thought that it closed at ten . We were there for a half hour before it closed . We wanted to go to the glass blowing area , but we didn 't make it over there . We saw a lot of the museum and took a lot of pictures . When we got back into the car Maggie said that she can 't use the Art Museum as a cultural event because we have been there before . She could use the glass blowing because she hasn 't turned it in as an event before . Maggie and I need to be sure that we are going to places that she can turn in . We had fun , but we really need to accomplish this goal . Tomorrow we are going to the horse races . We haven 't been to the art museum in a while . I didn 't realize how much I missed it until we walked into the first gallery . We don 't know anything about art . But it is fun to go and see all of the pictures and statues . When the kids were little we used to go every Friday . The museum is free and they had a lot going on on Fridays . There was a kid table where the kids could do crafts . Many times there was a play , and musical groups were there . Sometimes they were groups from high schools and sometimes it was more like an orchestra . They also had tours . I didn 't take the kids on the tours , they were too young and would have been board . If I ever went alone I would go on the tour and then tell the kids the information the next time that we were there . We liked the plays the best . I didn 't realize how much the museum filled me up until we walked in . I took a lot of pictures . Outside of our libraries , there are a lot of free local papers . They have lists of what is happening in the area . I picked up a copy of all of them yesterday . They have a lot of choices for cultural events and volunteering . We need to get this done soon . Maggie has been in school for a week and the homework will be starting up soon . Last week we ate dinner with chop sticks . We don 't do this very often . It is fun now and then . We try to do this on nights when we are having stickey food , like something with cream soup on it . Stickey foods are easier for new chop stick users to pick up . When the kids were little I had a list of skills that kids needed to learn . Eating with chop sticks was on the list . I used it as a guide in teaching my kids skills . I can 't find my list and I can 't find it on the internet . If anyone sees it on the internet , please let me know the link . I would love to go back and see if we have missed anything . We have two cats . Last year I was combing our cat Mandy and telling her how pretty she looked . She must have understood me . She started carrying the comb around in her mouth . She started taking all of the combs and putting them in her bed . Lately we have had to cut a few snarls out of her hair with the scissors . Now the scissors have disappeared . We wonder if she took them so that we won 't cut her hair any more . Maggie needs to go to some cultural events for school . It is a requirement . She also needs a certain number of volunteer hours each year . The theory behind the volunteering and cultural events is that in life , just like in school , people are busy . They should still make time to go to local events and to volunteer . During Maggie 's first year at this school we did a few events and forgot about them . They never made onto the calendar . Before Christmas the kids got a reminder that half of their hours and events were due in a week . What a mess . Maggie had a lot of homework and didn 't have time for this . We could find events , but there were no volunteer hours . Most places don 't need help in the winter . It was a struggle . Now we write due dates on the calender and try to get everything done before the homework starts . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 Beth starts school next week . She has gotten her school supplies together and has chosen an outfit . At her school the freshmen start school a few days before the other kids . Then they can meet each other and get used to the school . When the full student body comes in they have a week long project to do before classes start on the second week . The kids are put into groups . Each group has a freshman , sophomore , junior and senior . They need to build a working robot , set up a web page and do posters . The kids can get to know each other before classes start . This can be fun and frustrating . It depends on if all of the people in their group are willing to help . Beth is not sure yet if she will need any more school supplies than she already has , so when we go shopping today she doesn 't want anything . We can go next week to fill in the gaps . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 The youth group at church kicked off their new year so the first week the parents came to hear about the plans for the year . They talked about the topic for the next year , introduced some of the parents who go to the youth group . I guess they would be called advisers . There are some retreats coming up too . Next summer there are two mission trips . The girls went last year and really enjoyed it . They did a Bible study in the morning and went to play grounds in the afternoon to play with the local kids . The girls talked a lot when they got home about how the kids in this area for whatever reason don 't have a lot of adult interaction . The kids needed a lot of hugs and liked to be right next to the mission team . It made a big impression on the girls . We have started selling candy bars to pay for the trip . I am glad that the kids have a heart for missions . On Maggie 's second day of school she saw a few people that she knew . She didn 't tell me about seeing her friends with relief , but with happiness . She feels very secure and comfortable at school . We went to the bookstore for her books on the second day of school . She couldn 't wait until Friday , she had homework to do . When we go to the bookstore , we always have one of the staff help us find the books . It saves so much time , frustration and we get the correct books . The staff all had t - shirts that said " I speak textbook " . It was cute and they were easy to spot . Besides the books Maggie also needed a clicker , which looks like a small TV controller that the kids use instead of raising their hands . And she needed safety goggles for chemistry . We were lucky . All of her books were in stock . A friend of hers was there . She needed a book that had to be ordered from Amazon and the teacher do not give them the ISBN number . So she will not have the book right away and they were not sure that they were ordering the correct book . When I went to school the students could only buy new or used books . Now they can rent books or buy online books . The prices are about $ 100 and up . Most books are $ 200 and higher . Maggie went home and started her homework . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 Maggie had her first day of school . Her face was all lit up when she got into the car . She had enjoyed the day . The first teacher let the kids out 10 minutes early so that they could get to their next class . Her first class is math . It is all on the computer , but the students must still go to class to get participation points . Maggies second class is guitar . Maggie is mostly structured . Guitar class is not structured . She said that the syllabus didn 't have the usual dates , the teachers said that they would fill it in as they went along . They talked the first day and didn 't play their guitars . Maggie didn 't have any homework yet so she decided not to get any books that day . If it was possible , she wanted to go to the bookstore once and get everything . She didn 't see anyone that she knew on that day . The night before Maggie started school she spent a lot of time getting ready . She looked on the map of the campus to see which buildings her classes would be in . She found that on one day she has fifteen minutes to get all the way across the campus to the next class . We talked about the fastest way to get to this class . She packed her backpack and got her lunch ready . On Monday she has guitar class . We . . ok I . . . spent a lot of time talking about not loosing the guitar . Please don 't leave it in a room or leave it with a friend while you go get something etc . . . Keep your hand on it all of the time . She decided to make a sheet out that says which classes are on which days and the times and buildings . Looking at all of the individual papers for each class was confusing . Maggie was ready to go . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 Maggie started school last week . They had speakers and looked at their schedules . Maggie had English , chemistry , math and astronomy . The school made a change and the astronomy needed a lab . Maggie couldn 't fit the available labs into her schedule . She called me to see if she could take guitar instead . I said ok , but pick some other classes as a back up in case the counselor says no to the guitar class . I kept thinking . . . Maggie keeps talking about the quibbage ( spelling ? ) team at the school . Quibgage is the sport from the " Harry Potter " book where they fly around on broomsticks chasing balls around . I have this fear that she will sign for a quibbage class . About an hour later Maggie called back . She has the guitar class . We need to find some baby pictures of Maggie for graduation . The schools like to have a slide show of the graduating classes baby pictures . It is good to have some notice this time . When William graduated we didn 't know that he needed baby pictures . William came home on a Monday and said that he needed pictures . We were in the middle of trying to move and a lot of the house was packed to make the house look bigger . I had no idea which boxes the pictures were in . I asked William if we had some time before the school needed the pictures . He said yes , they didn 't need to go in until Wednesday . We did find a lot of pictures that were not packed . Everything is so startling with the first child . Tuesday 8 . 13 . 13 Maggie started school today . This school year really snuck up on us . Last night we went out and got school clothes before the girls went to youth group . While they were in youth group , I realized that we didn 't have anything for their lunches and that we had not filled out any of their schools paperwork . I went shopping during youth group . When we got home , Maggie made her sandwiches and we signed all of the papers . This morning we took Maggie 's picture . We take the kids pictures the first and last day of school each year . Someday we can get these pictures together and get them into a frame . We usually pray over each child as they start the new year , but we forgot last night . I said a prayer for Maggie in the car this morning . We can say a prayer together tonight . We stand in a circle together and I say a prayer that God would watch over them and guide them through the year , and I ask if the kids would like to say anything . They all say no . Then we all say Amen . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 We got ping pong paddles today . The kids play ping pong before chuch and have a great time . We can play ping pong at home now on the dining room table . Our dining room table used to be my grandparents . We have heard stories that they had it set up as a ping pong table for a while . I still can 't picture a ping pong table at their house . But we have heard that story from more than one person . Maggie starts school tomorrow . She will be senior . She is very excited . She has come a long way . When she was little , she refused to scoot , crawl and talk . When she was a few years old Maggie decided that she would be the moon when she grew up and refused to learn the alphabet because she said that she had looked up into the sky and had never seen a book up there for the moon to read . She has decided not to become the moon and has learned to read . Maggie started the countdown for school to start about week ago . When she was in junior high she would do the countdown on how many days she had left in the year . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 The girls are in youth group at church tonight . I think that they call it by another name . Maggie is with the group that she started with in the beginning , a year or two ago . She settled right in . Beth wandered for a long while and has now found a group . She is not in Maggie 's group any longer , they split the group by grade . Beth said that this didn 't bother her , she was happy with her group . Cheer , cheer , do the happy dance . . . now to get William plugged in . . After youth group the kids go to the McDonald 's . While waiting for them in the car . . . they need some time without me with them . . . I found that my Nook has the game chess on it . I am not very good at chess . I played part of a game . The computer has been taking all of my pieces , and when I try to make a move , it says ' wrong move ' and puts my piece back . When the kids were young we had a computer game called ' Learn to lay chess with Fritz and Chester ' it looks like I need to get a copy of that game . Maybe there is a copy on e - Bay I have started crocheting again . It is very relaxing . I like to crochet Granny squares because they are mindless , I only need to be able to count to three as I make them . Then I can watch the kids and crochet at the same time . I can 't read and watch the kids and I don 't like sitting there doing nothing . Crocheting was a good solution . When the kids were young , we used to go outside and the kids would play on our street with their friends . I could crochet and watch them at the same time . Soon the kids wandered over to see what I was doing and we taught them to crochet too . It was a fun neighborhood . We all learned to crochet , sew , cook , plant flowers , make compost and so many other things . On our dead end street we had between twelve and twenty kids . They mostly got along . Almost everyone has moved away . We miss them . The people that have moved in don 't have any kids Beth has been logging onto Google chrome . She went back to Outlook and the computer is working now . She has lost a lot of time on her math homework . Hopefully she can get it done . If any readers have kids going to junior high soon , have them learn to type . This skill will help them so much . Most or all of their papers will need to be typed and learning to type in grade school without pressure is a lot easier than learning in junior high when the paper is due . William didn 't need to type . I think that all of his papers could be hand written . Maggie didn 't learn to type and struggled for a long time until she got good at typing . Beth has been texting for a long time and already knew the layout of the keyboard , so typing was easy for her . I would like start posting every day . . . this is my goal . If I can write seven posts a week and load them in on Saturday , it should be ok . But . . . saying that now when summer is still in the air , school and homework and all of their clubs have not started yet is easy . I enjoy writing , but it isn 't first on my list . . . so I will try . What I am going to do to help myself is to keep my Nook with me so that writing can be done whenever there is free time . I am also going to try to keep paper and pen with me to write down ideas . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 Beth is doing math on the computer . She has until school starts to finish . The computer is starting to move slowly . As each day passes and the computer slows down more and the number of topics she must do per day grows . The stress is growing . The added problem is that it is summer and people want to play . It is difficult to keep up the pace . Also . . . after every ten hours of work , there is an assessment test . She is at the computer now . Maggie has a new phone . She plays Minecraft . She builds houses in this game while zombies chase her . When she gets a second story built on a house she is safe from the zombies . The zombies can 't climb ladders or stairs . The game can 't be saved so she plays until the phone resets itself or the phone shuts off . She is so happy with this game . We need to get Maggie 's drivers permit renewed . She drove over the summer and was getting good at it . But we didn 't drive enough that she could get her license . Maggie needs to get letters of reference from her teachers this year . She is a senior and will need them in future years for scholarship applications and for employment references . She needs to have them written on school letterhead . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 The cats have started playing together . Sometimes it looks like playing , sometimes it looks like world war three . The little cat , Stella , likes to pounce onto the bigger cat , Mandy , and play tag with Mandy 's tail . Mandy looks at Stella like . . . really , why can 't you just take a nap . Stella is getting bigger . When we got her she fit into our hands . Now she spills out of our hands . She doesn 't look like a kitten any more . She has a lot of energy , not as much as at first , but still a lot . Mandy has had to adapt to friends , wrestling and sharing her family . Most of the time she doesn 't look happy about any of this . But she has started to play and wrestle with Stella . The papers from the schools have started coming in , the emergency forms to fill out , the schedules and the school supply list . How can summer be almost over ? We had a lot of plans that we never got to . When school starts we will have a few weeks before the large amounts of homework start . . . I hope . We can still do some of out summer projects . We need to go camping again , work on our family tree that is on the dining room wall , have game night . . . we like board games . . . go ice skating . . . there is so much that we want to do . August 2013 Bible verse : " But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God . " Acts 20 : 24 William cut down a pine tree in the back yard . He had gotten it from school on Arbor day in about third grade . We planted it in the yard and kept it watered . When we decided to move , we talked about the tree and decided to take it with us . It was only about a foot tall . About five years later we moved again . The tree hadn 't grown much and it was now like the furniture , always there and mobile , so we dug it up again . The yard at this house is small , and we wrongly thought that the tree would stay small . It was planted by a fence and by the backyard gate . We have been here for about ten years . In the last two or three years the tree has grown to over fifteen feet tall . It is up on the fence and is blocking the gate . One day we decided that the tree needed to be cut down . There is now a big empty area of sunshine . William will cut it up . We have another pine tree in the back of the yard , but it must not get enough light . It is healthy , but only about a foot tall . William cut down a tree from behind our garage . They grow so close to the garage . Some shade the garage roof so that the roof doesn 't dry after a rain . We cut the branches back about once a year . Others are right next to the garage and when the wind blows in the summer , the roof of the garage creeks as the tree sways in the wind . This tree has almost completely been cut down . We are going to go camping with my sisters family . The planning has been fun . We haven 't decided on a weekend or a place but we do want to pick a place that is between us . We would like to take fishing poles . It will be a new adventure . We haven 't gone fishing since the kids were in grade school . The kids have started planning what they want to take . We got fishing poles . Two of them need new lines . We have never put in a new line . Also we got hooks and bobbers . The poles are short , but we think that they are adult poles . . . I am not sure if it makes a difference if they are adult or child poles . We needed poles that would fit into the trunk of our car . The flee market didn 't have any that came apart in the center , so we got shorter ones . We have a library book on repairing fishing poles on order . It should be here in a few days . I hope that it has directions on how to put a new line onto the pole . This is going to be a busy weekend . This is an Emmaus weekend . It will be nice to volunteer . I usually only make it to events about every two years , but this year I added the events to our calendar . Also William wants a hair cut and we have the normal weekend jobs around the house to do . at It has been a busy weekend . There is an Emmaus Walk this weekend . I am not on the team , but have gone in to volunteer . This year I have put the dates for Emmaus on my calendar , instead of relaying on my going into the web site now and then to see the dates . This is working out a lot better . I did miss the last walk completely . It was on my calendar , but it didn 't work with our schedule . It has stopped raining . I think that it has rained for two weeks . The next week should be dry . It will give my yard a chance to dry out . There was a big storm today . Here are some clouds from after the storm . This is our first video ! I am so excited . We were going to try a video tomorrow , But William wanted to try it tonight . He was quietly excited . If this works out we can add more . The cats are getting along better . They have stopped hissing at each other . Stella follows Mandy around hoping to play . She bats at Mandy 's tail or paws . Mandy plays more now , but not as much as Stella would like . Yesterday I had a lot to say . . . today I can 't think of anything . About twice a year , I print off all of my e - mail contacts . My computer has crashed and we have lost everything . It is nice to have a back - up . I need to put all of the phone numbers in my phone into a book and update that after each new number . The kids update their phone list often , I should get into the habit of doing this too . We need to set up our next camping trip . We feel confident enough to go again . We had a great time on the last trip and learned a lot of good lessons . Hopefully William will go with us . It would be fun to try a different camp ground . at The kids have updated the fridge with their magnets . They have built Spider man a house and have added his cat and a butterfly . I will need to get some more magnets and add something to this . I have been looking a lot lately at the things that bother me . The things that frustrate me the most always seem to be the things that I could fix . We have a new answering machine and it isn 't set up . It will record calls , but the date and other features are not set up . I have a new cell phone . My kids say that I have finally entered into this century . I can call and text on it , but it is largely a mystery . Every time that I try to do anything , the phone calls someone . Everyone is getting tired of me telling them that I am sorry that I called , but the phone is new and calls people when I do anything . This weekend we had some free time while we were waiting for the fireworks to start . I have read some of the cell phones manual and have now stopped calling everyone . Thank you everyone for your understanding . We need to set up the phone next . I guess this goes under the category of taking stock of my life now and then . I tend to be very happy just drifting along until I realize one day that I am in a totally different place than I wanted to be . I 'm not doing bad things , just doing things that aren 't part of God 's plan for me . We had two talks at church in the beginning of this year . One said to go home and figure out where God was leading you , see if where you were headed that may not be His choice for you . Then decide how to get to where He wanted you to be . I did this and found out where the better directions for me were . The second talk said to look at what scares you and to figure out why you are scared of it . I haven 't done that one yet . I think that it would really help to face my fears and to get past them . . . but I am scared to even look at my fears . I know that this is wrong , because when I do face problems , the solutions are almost always easier than I had imagined them to be . Maybe I will look at my fears this week . . at Our fridge had a smile on it today . I thought that it was funny . The kids weren 't amused . They are too old for smiling fridges . We started sorting out the basement again . Every time that we sort it does look better , but we never seem to finish it . I try to look at everything and say , will I need this soon . Too many times the answer is yes . William is done with allergy shots . Cheer , cheer , cheer ! ! ! We are so excited . He has been getting shots for years . It has really helped his asthma . He still will need to go in for checkups a couple of times a year , but he won 't need to get shots twice a week any more . at We got a new kitty on Wednesday 6 / 19 / 13 . The lady that we got her from had all of the kittens in a room with toys and boxes to play in . Maggie , Beth and I went to pick her up . She is a short haired gray and white cat . The lady said that she didn 't have much time to play with the cats , so we would need to do that . Our kitty was all claws and fire . We chose her because she was the only short haired cat . William has asthma so a short haired cat would be better . On the way home Beth held her . We needed to name her . All of the names that we had decided on the day before didn 't fit her . We tossed up a lot of names . As we got closer to the house I started saying business names " how about Marathon , or McDonald 's . " We named her Stella . When we got home we introduced her to William , and showed her the food and kitty litter . Then we took her to meet our first cat , Mandy . They hissed at each other . Mandy looked so upset , like she had been betrayed . I didn 't know that cats could give the evil eye to people . We tried to explain that Stella would be a friend , but Mandy wasn 't buying it . She sulked away and refused to be petted that day . Beth took Stella to her room so that she could adjust slowly to us . I think that Stella will be a good member of our family . William and I went to see the horse racing this summer . It was a warm evening when we went . The races had already started by the time that we got there . I think that they were having ten races that night . There are picnic tables by the track and indoor seats on the second floor . The first floor has the betting areas , the food and the stalls for the horses . We sat outside first . William and I decided to see two races sitting outside and two races inside . It was warm out , but the sun sets behind the building , making the outside picnic table area chilly . . . OK I was chilly , William wasn 't . The horses trotted around the track for a while so that the guests can take a look at them , then they race . The car with the gates lines them up and goes with them around the track for a while , finally pulling in the gates and moving to the side of the track . After the race , the owner , trainer and jockey get their picture taken with the winning horse . A close look shows the world of racing horses but a more distant look shows the stores in the background , just outside of the track . After the first two races , we went inside to find the other seating . We did find the stalls off to one side . I would like to go again and take Maggie and Beth . It was fun to go somewhere new . We are going to get a new cat his week . Part of me is excited and part says that this may not have been one of my best decisions . The final decision was made today . We have begun to decide on the name . We have a list of about ten names . When we get the cat we can see which one fits her the best . We have been forgetting to do our sit - ups . Maybe tomorrow . It rained Saturday night . First there was a small leak in the tent . We woke up and decided to just move away from it . Then there was a second leak . Then the water started coming in from the bottom of the tent . We did have plastic under the tent , but weren 't on high enough ground . It was raining really hard , so we decided to move everything into the car and sleep there . The girls got into the back seat and I put the blankets on them . We filled up the passenger seat and finished the night in the car . . Next time , we will look for higher ground and put the tarp over the tent . We had a lot of fun . Maggie voted that it was fun on Saturday morning . Beth said that she reserved her vote until later . On Sunday on the way home she gave the trip a seven and said that she would go camping again . By the end of the trip " Harry Potter " was in the house by the sea and was about to go and get school supplies . We kept the list of things to pack with us . As we realized that we needed something , we added it to the list . Sandals and a folding chair would have been good . We can make adjustments to the list as we go . The planning for the trip was a big part of the fun . The first night , the neighbors stayed up until about 1 : 00 . They weren 't loud , but it is different having them so close . Maggie and I got up early . She told me about her last day of school and the things that she has been doing lately . We went out and looked for sticks for the fire . We had already changed our thinking from the house to the skills of the campsite . It is always nice to get some time with each of the kids . After breakfast , the three of us played " 21 " and tried to play a game called " Pirates " but the pieces wouldn 't assemble . Whenever we had some relaxing time , Maggie read " Harry Potter " to us . We went swimming later and found seashells . We went to church Saturday evening . The message was about following God 's will . We went home and got William so he could go to church with us . We also picked up the things that we had forgotten from the first trip , or had gotten ready but had forgotten to put into the car . We had the grate for the fire ready , but had put it behind the kitchen door , so it never made it into the car on Friday . I hoped that everything would fit into the car on the way home . When we started to pack , William said that he wasn 't going to go . I talked , and reasoned and said that it would make great family memories , but he wouldn 't budge . So he stayed home . That was sad , but at 23 years old , he would have been board . Maybe he will go with us next time . We had started a list of what to take earlier in the week and started assembling the items in the living room . The intent was that everything make it to the campsite in one trip and it would all fit into the car . Some people go into the woods for weeks with one small back pack and a pocket knife , but this was our first trip . We did get everything together in an hour or two . We needed to get there and have the tent up before it got dark . We arrived , checked in , picked our campsite and started to assemble the tent . This is the tent that wouldn 't go together in the living room . We finally put it together in the backyard . We felt confident about it at the campsite , but managed to put it together wrong twice . On the third try it went up . . . and it was still light . . . mostly . I had wanted to get a paint marker and mark which poles went where , but hadn 't gotten to it yet . Maggie and Beth tipped the tent on it 's side to get the dirt out of it . We had only just arrived and were already a spectacle . We unpacked and built a fire . The wood burns faster than you think that it will . The kindling was gone almost instantly . There weren 't many twigs around and no medium sized logs . . . and it was dark . We let the fire go out and decided to start again in the morning . We watched the movie " Soul Surfer " tonight . It was great to see how their faith carried them through the crisis . Their core beliefs quietly carried them through , as the movie was about surfing . Sometimes knowing that you are not alone , that all things are possible with God , is a firm structure to balance on when everything falls apart . We got pizza tonight . While waiting for our order , the lady behind the counter mentioned that the small child that is missing in our town is a relative of hers . She said that they all cry a lot each day . There are so many people that we pass by each day that need a prayer and a smile . The girls made it to youth group tonight . I haven 't been writing about the " 90 day crunch challenge " because we have been forgetting to do any sit - ups . Maybe we can do some tonight . William says that he is not interested , but waits to hear our laughter . Beth says no , but watches us and directs on the correct way to do sit - ups , and Maggie exercises with me . She can exercise faster , but doesn 't keep count so my counting messes her us and she does extra . We have a big event coming up at church this month . It is the first " Family Experience " . It would be great if all of the kids will go with me . They are having videos , games and popcorn . Maggie is done with her first week of summer school . It is a two week class . So , I guess she has gone over a half of a semester of work . It is an Economics class . She said that it has been mostly supply , demand and graphs . It has been raining so much that all of our flowers are in bloom . We need to get a summer project set up . We will have camping , but we need something else to do and plan together . Beth finished school today . She is always sad on the last day of school . She misses her friends . The kids put a movie in tonight , a week night , as celebration for school being out . We took pictures of Beth since it was her last day of school . She made a lot of faces in most of the pictures and stood still in a few of them . Maggie has one more week of school after this week . Then we can officially start summer . We forgot to do our " 90 day crunch challenge " . It looks like this will take a lot longer that 90 days . We forgot to exercise tonight . The chart needs to be moved , maybe to the fridge . Today is Beth 's last day of school . On the kids first and last day of school , we take the kids pictures . We can take her picture tonight . Beth likes being with her friends and will miss them over the summer . at Maggie started summer school today . . . with her new cell phone . It went well . She came home with the phone and didn 't get into any trouble with it . She said that school was OK . She is taking economics . The kids had youth group at the church tonight . None of us knew what time it started so we guessed . We got there just as it ended . I e - mailed the head of the group to get the times , and will put it on the calendar . To the kids it is a priority to go , but not a priority to get the times , or put the times on the calendar . We can go next week . We have started a new exercise program at our house . It is the 90 day crunch challenge . The first day we did 25 sit - ups . Well . . . really , Beth , Maggie and I did the sit - ups . William tried not to be amused . The second day we need to add five more sit - ups , and add five more each day for 90 days . I made a chart so that we can keep track of what day we are on . By the end we are doing 300 or 400 sit - ups a day . The chart is hanging on the computer so that we can remember the challenge . We will see how it goes . Today is the day that Maggie got her cell phone . She was so excited that she was up and dressed for church by 6 : 00 am . She was bright eyed today . She had some phone numbers from friends at school so she got a copy of them ready to take with her . Then she could load them onto the phone on the way home . We try to keep a copy of the list of cell phone numbers at home so that if the phone dies , we have the numbers to re - load into the phone . It is the same way with our e - mail , we print out our contacts twice a year . Maggie got her phone after church . It is the same one that Beth has , so it was easy for Beth to help Maggie set it up . Maggie is thrilled . Maggie and I did have a talk about phone responsibility . Now that Maggie has the phone , she still looks as excited as she did this morning . We went outside to put up the tent . Beth had homework and stayed in the house . William , Maggie and I took the tent outside . We figured out that the first two poles that were assembeled were not part of the frame of the main tent , but part of the two side rooms . That made a big difference . Most of the poles we could figure out from the directions where they went , some took more looking to find sleves that were the correct length to put them into . William always does a safety test on everything for us . The tent is no differet . When it was assembeled William went outside of the tent to hold the poles and he called out " earthquake " and then he shook the tent . I am happy to report that the tent withstood the shaking and is safe for us to use . As soon as school is out , we can go camping . We finally have William 's computer hooked up in his room . The computer program C + + is on the computer . . . we think it is on the computer correctly . He tried to run a program from his class , but the program was written so that it had to go to other , previously written pieces of program . . . and those other programs aren 't there because the class is over . We need to have William write a program from his C + + book , that doesn 't need any other lines of programming except for what he puts in now . Then we can see if it is set up . Maggie and Beth have decided to start their summer homework . They were sitting on the couch with their books deciding where to start last week . In all of the past years , I have kept the books and given one page of homework each day . The page has homework on both sides . I have them do half of one side each day . I only want the homework to help them to get back into school easier , not to have them do homework all day . We don 't finish the whole book in the summer , but that doesn 't bother me . I just added posts from 6 / 8 / 08 thru 6 / 30 / 08 to this blog if anyone wants to see them . I will add more old posts when I can . Thanks for following along on our adventures . . . Maggie did a cool project at school yesterday . They are studying addictions . The kids had to write a different good trait of theirs on three sheets of paper . On three more sheets of paper they wrote the names of three friends . They wrote three activities that they are in and three of their favorite possessions . The teacher said to pretend that they had made a bad choice of starting to drink . One of their friends finds out and won 't be their friend any more . So the kids had to pick one of their friends listed on their papers and get rid of it . They lost one of their good traits to the drinking , so they had to pick a trait to get rid of . Then they were drinking and driving and got picked up by the police . Since they were in jail they couldn 't do two of their activities , so the kids needed to throw two papers with school activities away . Then they needed to pay court costs so they had to sell two possessions , the kids chose two possessions to throw away . One more of their friends left because of all of the trouble that they were now in . Then because of all of the problems , their life and their decisions were not their own , so the kids had to go to someone else in the class and that person got to choose two of their remaining papers to get rid of . Margaret was so sad when she got telling about this activity . She said that only one bad decision was made , but she lost everything because of it . It was a really good visual assignment , I think that the memory of these pretend losses will stay with Maggie for a long time . We are going to get a grill and some charcole . The kids need to learn a new skill . They are in college and high school , so they are old enough . Two summers ago we got a drill and we all learned to use it . The safety talk took a while . . . we had to talk about how permanent damage would be if there was an injury , and we all had to use safety glasses and ear plugs . Everyone did really well . The year before William started using the hedge trimmers to cut the front bushes . I was really glad that he could take over that responsibility . When I cut the hedges , they always end up looking like two eye brows . William can get a neat , straight , cut . 3 / 25 / 13 written Sunday 3 . 10 . 13 We need to sign William up for school for this summer . He never says how things are going , but he smiles a lot , so things must be OK . Maggie had spring break last week . Her dream for break was to go to the library and get a lot of movies and books . She went to grandmas each day . They took Beth to school each day . Maggie had a great time . The kids helped me clean out some of the basement . We combined boxes and sorted out things for Goodwill . The basement looks a lot better . We still have a long way to go , but this is an improvement . When I am not cleaning out the basement , I think , we should be able to get rid of a lot of things , but then when we are actually sorting , it is more difficult to do . William is doing his homework at home each day , I am not sure why he isn 't going to the computer labs at school . He looks happy . It is nice to have him home for dinner each night . I am hoping to take the Christmas tree down today . We had so much going on in the beginning of the month that we didn 't get to it . Also , we don 't like to take it down right away , it is nice to keep the Christmas feeling . Last year we got a big plastic container for all of the decorations . We put the lights in first then added the ornaments . When we were ready to put the tree up this year , we needed to take out all of the ornaments and put them on the couch and table to get to the lights . What a mess . When we take the tree down this year , we need to put the lights into the container last . William was excited for school to start today . He was up before I called him . Maggie does not have any night classes this semester , so when the kids are picked up tonight , I won 't need to go back out and get anyone . Cheer cheer . . . I have some projects that I want to work on this year . We have an extra calender that we can use to put the project items on . We have tried to put projects on our regular calendar , but if our family gets busy , it is the projects that are skipped and the calender becomes a mess . If the projects are on a separate calender , they won 't interfer with the regular calender . The regular calender needs to be updated with yearly events , like birthdays . Also , school days off need to be added . The kids have dinner jobs and the laundry and dishes job needs to be added . The quicker I get the new calender updated , the easier my year is . This is a new year . At church today the talk was about taking control of your schedule . He said to look at what activities fill you up and which ones drain you . The talk last week was about new year resolutions , and looking back at last year to see what went well , what didn 't go well and where God was pointing you . I did that . It was very surprising to see an overview of the year . Today 's talk was about looking at what drains you and fills you up . William Beth wants to go trick - or - treating , but we are waiting for the sewer man to come and see if the new gas lines that were put in have punctured the sewer lines . Maggie needs to be picked up at 8 : 15 tonight from art class . We went trick or treating tonight . It was fun . Beth and I went , she wanted to run to each house . We ended up walking fast . There were a lot of kids on some streets , and a lot of the houses were decorated , not with a lot of decorations , but with some lights and pumpkins , it was festive . We were out for about an hour . The man from the sewer company didn 't come over . I called him and heard that all of the work was cancelled for today because of the weather . He said that the gas company may call if they want to come and look at the pipes . Maggie had art class tonight . They took pictures of their faces , close up , and they had the pictures enlarged to 8 1 / 2 x 11 . Then they started gluing pieces of newspaper over the picture . She has used one color of newspaper for the hair and a different color for the back ground . They haven 't finished the whole face yet . |
This is wishing all of you who read this blog a Merry Christmas . The first picture is our oldest Tobias , then Heather , Lane , and last is Seth . I should have them all together in front of the three , but , well we only had three red shirts . I really wanted pictures of them in red . We have had a pretty good day . The kids loved their presents . Heather has a stomach bug and so she is not the least bit happy . We thought that Steve had food poisoning on Monday , but now we think maybe a bug is going around . I grew up with a daddy that can do anything . I am serious . That is what this little girl thought and still tends to think . So when something needs done I tend to want to leave it for when my dad is coming . The sliding glass door on the back of our house had only one pane of glass and the door didn 't open very well at all . It took two hands and a lot of maneuvering . Steve with some help from me took the old one out and installed the new one . This weekend he installed a new bathroom fan . Let me just say he doesn 't know a whole lot about electrical wiring . My dad wasn 't home to answer his questions and even a local person we thought might know about wiring never returned his call either . We went from a one switch that turned the light and the fan on at the same time to three switches . One for the light , one for the fan , and one for the nightlight . Steve had to add wiring to make that work . When we were done for the night only the fan worked , but by the morning he had figured out his mistake and fixed it . I had to help on this one too . The wires kept getting hung up in the wall . There is insulation on our inside walls . According to my dad it was because of the kind of heat that was installed in this house . We did finally manage to get the wires where we wanted them to go . It only took about two hours and lots of patience . My dad says that was a record . If you ever meet my dad or see him , just ask him how much time he has spent on one electrical outlet . These pictures are backwards . First the new and then the old . Can you tell it has been a while since I have posted pictures . Maybe I will remember for last time . The bathroom fan was installed in hopes that in three months I won 't have to attack the ceiling and walls around the shower with bleach water again . In the last picture you can see the box fan that we keep turned on and facing the shower most all of the time . Thanksgiving day in the afternoon was spent with our Pastor Jim Oliver and his family . We forgot the camera , but had lots of good food , fun , and fellowship . The kids enjoyed riding the four wheeler and shooting the BB gun . On Friday we had our own private Thanksgiving dinner . We did this mainly because Steve and I love Thanksgiving leftovers . Tobias did the table decorations . They came out of the sixth grade Abeka art book . Our Thanksgiving holiday also includes the reading of three books : " Squanto and the Miracle of Thanksgiving " by Eric Metaxas , " Thank You , Sarah " The woman who saved Thanksgiving by Laurie Halse Anderson , and " Thanksgiving A Time to Remember " by Barbara Rainey . They are all very good and remind us of our heritage . We have been eating leftovers ever since . We had turkey and sweet potato casserole on Friday . Turkey and mashed potatoes on Saturday . Saturday lunch and Sunday supper we ate a wonderful turkey soup . Sunday lunch and today 's supper were casseroles that called for cooked chicken . I substituted turkey . So far no children have complained which is odd . Tobias especially doesn 't like turkey leftovers . My children are happy . The holiday seasons bring things that they like . One is eggnog . Lane especially loves the stuff . Every once in a while through the year he asks when we can buy it again . I keep telling him at Halloween , but I was wrong . We had to wait until this week . There were some brands out , but they don 't taste as good . The second item we just discovered last year : flavored coffee creamers . Peppermint Mocha made by Coffee - mate . It tastes wonderful in hot chocolate . The kids love this . In January they put it on sale . I stocked up on a few . This morning they were enjoying the hot chocolate and were wanting a second cup , not that they don 't enjoy it all year long . It is just extra special now . Rita On Saturday , we had an year end party for Lane 's football team . Steve threw a fast one and Lane hurt his finger . It is swollen and black and blue and doesn 't look right . Our family Doctor took an x - ray this morning . His pinky finger on his right hand is broke and the bones do not line up . So tomorrow we are off to an orthopedic Doctor . He waited until the season ended to get hurt . He did have a finger jammed early in the season , but it didn 't stop him from playing . So he joins the " Broken Bone Club " with Tobias . Click on the picture to make it bigger and you will see the brake for yourself . Rita We have spent the last 8 weeks running to practices and games on Tuesdays , Thursdays , and Saturday Mornings . Heather and Seth played Soccer and their season ended two weeks ago . Lane and Tobias played flag football . They practiced very little and then played a game all on Tuesday nights . Heather practiced on the same night , so I didn 't get to watch football until these past two Tuesday nights . Tobias 's team won every game . They had to come from behind to win the last game . Lane 's team , which Steve coached , tied the first two games and then lost the next three games . On last Tuesday night they managed to win by one point . Lane was the quarterback , so we were pretty excited . We did discover that Lane would be better at tackle football . Trying to catch a flag is annoying . He took a few boys out the first few games . On the last game instead of getting the flag he took the whole belt off of a boy . Posted by Travel Health American sent an email back wanting more information . My Doctor I think over explained everything that needed done in the next 5 years . I wanted a basic letter saying I can go . So they want to know if I can have my TSH level checked where I will be going and if a CT can be done on my neck . So we need to find this out . Plus , my platelets are low and so now I have to talk to the Doctor about that . My platelets have been low off and on for years . The thing is they knew this from my medical records from Richmond . I gave a copy of all the tests results done in Richmond to my family Doctor here in South Carolina and she commented they were low in March . The next blood test said they were fine , so nothing to worry about . My Doctor 's words . So now we have to talk to the Doctor about that too . Sometimes , I wonder if it is ever going to end . Please pray that we would have patience . We know that it is all on God 's hands and his timing is best . Rita My Doctor has given me medical approval . I said unofficial in the title because every thing still needs to be sent to Travel Health America and they give the final approval . That is our news of the day ! ! ! I will update when it is official . Rita These are pictures from the library program . For the three youngest ones , once they have read 20 books they get a certificate , medal , and get to pick a free book from a box . At the end of the summer they have a party and get more prizes by having their names drawn out of a box . Since the theme was bugs , they had bug prizes . Lane won a bug container with a magnifying glass on top . Quit a few spiders have lived in it for a day or to . Seth got to pick the drawing from some local artist , because he already had the prize that they were handing out . The teenagers had a different program . After 10 books were read you got a beach ball . For 20 books you got a bag that Tobias is holding . For each 10 books after that your name was put in for a summer end drawing that was for the whole county , not just each library . Tobias won 2nd place in the whole county of Spartanburg . He got a $ 100 gift card to Barnes & Nobles . He can 't wait to spend it . Mommy hasn 't taken him yet , but he is thinking on Christmas presents for his family . I , mommy , won too . They have a summer reading program for adults . There was weekly drawings and summer end drawing . I won a weekly drawing the first week I entered . I got a bag , book , CD , coffee , coffee mug , and a $ 5 . 00 gift card to an ice cream place . Happy ReadingRita We usually spend every summer reading using our local libraries reading program . Here in South Carolina , a store called Christian Supply also has a reading program . I like Christian Supply 's program better , because after reading 60 books the children get a free T - Shirt . I can add to their wardrobe for free . : ) This years theme was the Pirates who Don 't Do Anything but Read . For every five books they read they get a junk toy out of a box . I could do without that one and they eventually do end up in the trash . For every fifteen books they read they get a bigger prize , the biggest prize being the T - Shirt . Pirate theme means pirate prizes . Seth is sporting two of his prizes . They are sporting their T - shirts and certificates in the above pictures . For every five books they get to put their name in a pot for a year end drawing . They must have done the drawing this week , for Heather won . She got a $ 50 gift card to Monkey Joe 's which is an indoor play ground . Well , it isn 't exactly work on the house , more like work on the land around it . Two Saturdays ago Steve spent the day repairing little things around the house and cleaning off the deck . What ever we did not know what to do with went on the deck . It was becoming a little messy . He has it cleaned off and nice looking . About the pictures : he was going to wait until it was cooler to tackle some of the trees around here , but decided to go after finding the gate . The job took a lot longer than he expected . The first picture is the found gate . It was totally covered in brush and you couldn 't even see the white building in the back . The second picture is the pile of brush he and the kids cut and pulled off of the gate . The third picture shows the little path of grass between the gate and ripped up fence . The fourth picture shows the ripped up fence . We were told that if we want we could have a dog , that the back yard is fenced in . Well , if we wanted a dog in the back yard the fence need to be fixed first . That is Steve 's plan to fix the fence . In cutting down the brush he even found the top bar that was pulled off of the fence . We don 't know what happened , but we can guess . Our idea of what happened : The church hired a guy to mow the yard . He can 't get his big mower in the back yard through the gate . It is a double gate and so his mower will fit , except that the one gate is covered over in brush . So instead of cutting the brush back , ( which took Steve around three hours ) ( yard guy probably not paid for that ) he ripped a cemented fence pole out of the ground make the back yard excess able to his mower . On Steve 's to do list : fix the back fence . Here are the promised after hair cut pictures . My husband said to be fair I had to have one with my hair down . It has been a LONG time since my hair was the short ! Rita Someone , who shall remain anonymous , wanted to see before and after picture of my hair cut . The best I can do is a picture taken this spring for the before . My hair was quite a bit longer than this . I will have to get someone to take a picture for the after , I don 't have one yet . It will be posted as soon as I get one . We now live on four acres with lots of trees to climb . Lane looked out the window ( he is still doing school at 4 : 00 ) and said look how high Seth is in that tree . I stepped outside to find Seth and Heather were playing a game to see who could climb the highest . They were stuck and could not come back down . Now my Father at sixty has climbed a tree to get a neighbor girl out of it after she had followed Tobias into the tree . I 'm thinking I guess I could if I have too , but this almost 40 year old women isn 't the least bit interested in figuring out how to get into and get two kids out of a tree . Tobias to the rescue . He has been climbing trees for a few years now . He got Heather out pretty quickly . Seth was much higher up in the tree and really was not interested in moving at all , but Tobias got him out too . The picture is not that good . There is a bit of orange you can see and that is Tobias . Heather is at that location . Seth was twice as high up in the tree , I think about as high as a two story house . Rita We started school on Monday , September 1 . This is the latest we have ever started school , but it couldn 't be helped . There is no way I could have taught school with no thyroid medicine in my system . So far we were off to a good start . Lane has chosen day three to start in on the procrastination . A little tradition of ours : I have taken a picture of each child in front of the front door holding a sign which says first day of school and the date . I have done this every year . I guess I will post the pictures later . I am having problems getting it to work . Rita Making appointments to do something is something I have never liked to do : doctor , haircut , field trip . If I have to be somewhere at a set time , I don 't like it . So on Saturday , I just showed up at a hair place in hopes I wouldn 't have to wait too long . My last hair cut was in the summer of 2005 . Need I say more ! ! ! The ends of my hair were nasty . She cut off around 4 to 5 inches of nasty . Then cut off 12 inches for Locks of Love . Then she shaped it quite nicely . She also recommended getting it trimmed at least every six months . May be I will try to do better in this area . Rita Steve preached his first sermon today at Bethlehem Baptist Church . Our pastor took the weekend off to go and visit their married daughter in Atlanta . Steve preached on 1 Cor . 10 : 1 - 13 . He did a very good job ! I had my body scan at 7 : 30 Am on Monday morning . Nothing too exciting . I laid on a table for 1 hour while this camera moved slowly down my whole body . It was as close to my forehead as it could get without touching me . Steve and the kids walked by once to see me . He said I was sleeping , actually I was praying , I figured it was as good as a time as any to be praying . The results were : nothing anywhere else in my body - that is good and there was a significant amount of thyroid tissue left , but that was to be expected . The radio active iodine will kill it off . I still don 't feel up to par . I have been slowly trying to finish getting things together in this house and ready to start school next week . Awana started for us this past Sunday and I am the secretary . So I had a big order to place on Monday afternoon . I am back home with the family , but not feeling to great . I over did it cleaning on Thursday . I spent most of the week relaxing and reading books . I never did turn on the TV . On Wed . I tried to clean some but had no energy . Dad came over Thursday afternoon , brought a ladder and cleaned the lights and fans for me . I washed windows and blinds and then vacuumed . Dad also did a lot of work over here at the house we are now living in this week . He washed all of my windows and put the storm windows back on the house . He also scrapped off all of the paint that was on the glass before he washed them . The front storm door now shuts properly . The side sliding glass door now opens with ease ( this was worth his trip down ) . We were not sure what we were going to do with that door . It is the best door to go in and out to do the wash , especially when it is raining . He also installed a drip edge on the roof over the porch , hopefully this will help it not leak . It did rain and it did leak , but not what he fixed , somehow it is leaking behind the board . I think we need a heavy rain to see if it is an improvement or it there is more wrong up there . Will post more after my body scan that I will receive on Monday . That will show what the radio active stuff did . Rita I went to the hospital out patience center at 10 AM this morning . Since I am a women I had to have a pregnancy test done first . That blood work took an hour and 15 minutes to be completed . Once Nuclear Medicine had the results ( not pregnant ) I was able to swallow the liquid medicine . It wasn 't bigger than a sip . The vile it was in was flushed with water 3 or 4 times and I had to drink that water too . Then I was done . It took all of 5 minutes . Now I am back in our old house , staying all by my self . One little sip of radio active stuff and you are in isolation for 5 days ! ! ! ! Rita Our new abode has wooden floors . The first picture is an example of what they look like , especially in the high traffic areas . The second picture is of the master bedroom closet . I painted and refinished that floor . You can tell where it was worn down to no finish . I sanded it , which lightened it up and thought that was good . The darker area is where the wood was bare : no finish . I painted the closet because I wanted to hang my clothes in and then feel like I could put them on my body . What am I going to do in Africa , maybe keep them zipped in my suitcase . : ) This morning while Steve was getting dress , he asked if I could just move into the closet . It is the nicest room in the house . Rita Just this past Monday my washing machine of 14 years gave up the ghost . It went to that great place in the sky via way of the landfill . We thought no problem , in the storage shed at the mission house is another one . So we dug it out and hooked it up . I put in the laundry and started it . All was great until it came time to ring the water out . I came back to water dripping off of the clothes . So off to the store we went . We needed new ones anyways to go to Africa . The International Mission Board ships your appliances , for those who are wondering . The old machine used any where from 45 to 50 gallons of water a load . The new machine only uses around 10 to 15 gallons of water a load . The only problem I have found it that they highly recommend using high efficiency detergent . It says HE on the bottle . Do you think I will find that stuff in Africa ? Our goal yesterday was not to try and get everything moved , just the main big furniture pieces . I didn 't even have the kitchen packed up , mainly because the kitchen cupboards at this house were not cleaned . Steve was at the house with the truck by 9 : 15 . The men that showed up from church had it loaded in 1 hour and 45 minutes . By noon it was empty and on the way back to where it came from . The music minister 's wife packed up my whole kitchen and then spent the afternoon cleaning the new kitchen . I can 't even say how much that helped me out . What also helped was someone staying we need that cleaner that commercial kitchens use to cut grease . They had it at the church and brought a bottle over along with gloves and masks . It is potent , but it did the job . He even suggested diluting it in water to do the floor . So maybe this next week I will have an easier time getting the rest of the kitchen cleaned . In the last week we have been filling the van up when we came over . We figured to be doing the same this week . Thanks to all of our help , the other house is empty . One of our rules for inside our house is No Running . Four children running in the house sounds like a herd of elephants coming . That is words my dad used and there was only 2 girls in our family . The house we are moving out of is built on a cement slab . So the children has gotten away with a lot of running because we can not hear it . At the new house , with it mostly sitting empty and wooden floors , it is very loud . We have some work to do on retraining our children . R We are moving on Sat . into this little mission house our church has . They have been after us for a few months to move into it . We had a 9th month lease we didn 't want to break . We haven 't been missionaries yet . Steve has a good paying job . We are leaving soon . All reasons not to move . Since my medical clearance keeps getting pushed back , we decided to move . At the moment we will not be leaving for Richmond , VA and orientation until the end of March now . The house has been lived in some and used as storage for the last 3 years . I have spent the last three weeks cleaning a little bit everyday . I am not up to par as I have been off of my thyroid medicine for 3 1 / 2 weeks now . This is to get ready for my radio active iodine therapy . Back to house . We also painted the living room and 2 bedrooms . More could be painted but we are moving in . We have taken this house on as one of our mission projects . The churches goal is for it to be ready for missionary families that have come home on fur low . They would only come home with clothes and would need it to completely furnished . Rita for the Schwarz ' We spent the 4th of July ( Thurs . - Sat . ) in Ellijay , Georgia which is at the bottom end of the Appalachian Mountains . The start of the Appalachian Trail is not too far away from there . We stayed in this lovely house , which belongs to Steve 's cousin Rebecca and her family . Steve 's uncle Bill built the house . Now his Aunt and Uncle live in the little addition off to the side . We as a family had lots of fun . We went fishing ( first picture Seth is holding a fish ) , rode 4 wheelers , played badmitton . It is sad that we have lived here in South Carolina for 9 1 / 2 years and only 4 hours away is family of Steve 's . We had fun getting reaquainted ( Steve ) and learning to know this family for the first time ( the rest of us ) . They have a little boy Lane 's age and an 18 month old little girl . Rebecca : if you are reading this thanks for a wonderful time ! On June 18th I saw Dr . Sandrin , my Endocrinologist . She was very knowledgeable and answered our many questions . I had been on an no iodine diet for two weeks and off my thyroid medicine for three weeks getting ready for the radioactive Iodine therapy and scans she would need to be doing . She wanted to know who ordered the scans . We had to explain to her that my surgeon was just helping us move the process along faster . So we left her office thinking that on June 30th I would be taking the radio active iodine . Later , that day she called to say we cannot do it yet . Dr . Nelson had ordered a CT with contrast . That contrast is loaded with iodine . So now I cannot do the radio active iodine and the scans until the week of August 18th . So I am back on my medicine for three more weeks , before I have to go off of it again . This pushes our schedule back again . She will not give me medical clearance until six weeks after all this is done . So , if the IMB board approves us to be missionaries , we wouldn 't get to go to Richmond for training until April now instead of Jan . Our constultant with IMB , Mr . Dan Panter , called yesterday to say that he has been updated on our file and everything will just be on hold . As soon as I have medical clearance he will make is so that our file will go before the very next meeting of the board . Rita The first picture is Seth on his birthday . He is now 7 years old . The second picture I think is on his 2nd birthday . I know I have him in this chair when he was a baby , but I didn 't want to go digging through boxes in the garage again . He is getting so big , so fast ! ! : ( I want him to grow and yet I want him to stay my baby . He still loves to snuggle with mama . : ) I went to my surgeon Dr . McLeod for my six week follow - up . He wanted to know what Dr . Nelson was doing . He is the oncologist . Dr . Nelson had me get CT scans of my neck and chest and referred me to Dr . Sandrin an Endocrinolist . At first I couldn 't get an appointment until Aug . 25th . The receptionist making the appointment told me to call Dr . Nelson 's office and explain what is going on . Sometimes Doctors talk and appointments get moved up . I now have an appointment for June 18th . Dr . McLeod the surgeon wasn 't sure why I was referred onto someone else . I was wondering why I even saw Dr . Nelson . Anyways , Dr . McLeod told me to stop taking my medicine and is getting me the info I need for a diet that I need to follow for about three weeks . Most likely the Endocrinolist will want to do a scan and I need to be off my medicine and on this diet for three weeks . So Dr . McLeod is helping speed up the process . So by the time June 18th comes around I will be ready for the next step and hopefully will not have to wait three more weeks . Rita Finally , we walked back the two blocks to this park . The bridge is the only one of its kind in the US . I ( Rita ) didn 't like standing still on it - it moved too much . There is paths to walk , gardens to see , and it you want to you can wade / swim in the river . Steve and I didn 't think a river running through a city could be that clean to go wading and swimming it , but there were a lot of people doing it . It was a warm day . After finding the Mice on Main we walked four more blocks down to the Reedy River . There is a walk way along it . We first walked two more blocks to The Children 's Garden . It is just a nice way to spruce up an overpass . This garden is under a bridge . It has Winnie the Pooh , Rabbit , and Owl ( at the top of the pole in the first picture ) . It also has the Secret Garden , a Gingerbread House , the ABC with a flower for each letter , and lots of plants and flowers . Mice on Main in Greenville , South Carolina idea was taken from the book " Good Night Moon " . In the book on every other page ( the colored pages ) is a very little mouse to find . There are 9 mice to find on Main St . in Greenville . We found all nine with the help of another family that had the camera aimed on a mouse . We then asked is they had found mouse number 4 , as we couldn 't find it . Here we has passed the mouse 3 times and didn 't see it . By the way , Main St . in Greenville is a beautiful shade covered street , wonderful to walk . |
I don 't have much to tell , other than the last event of the season for our booth was a huge success ! We had people who showed up just to come shop with us , and folks who had no clue we were going to be there , but ended up spending a ton of money anyways . Anytime I can get 3 saddle sales out of one event . . . I call that a success . Everything else is just icing on the cake . On top of that Mary and I have been trying to find the right person to help us with some custom leather work . I kept telling her of guy I had met once before and have been trying to find his card . Out of the blue , he rode up on his big paint horse , we got to talking , I introduced him to Mary only to find that they already knew each other from years ago . She just didn 't know that he was doing leather work . This should work out great as he can do things that we cannot , and we can get things that he needs at a discounted rate . These two pictures are of the saddle line up I had prepared for the display the next day . I even have a Crown C in there , which did not get near the response I was hoping for , and I 'm starting to wonder if purchasing it was a smart move . However , it won 't end up being a money loser . I took a day off on Sunday and got some riding done . I think Trax is wishing I would hurry up and get another lesson so we can work on our communication skills . I was pretty proud of myself though for recognizing that he was not doing proper roll backs ( turning the hip instead of the shoulder ) and remembered what to do to fix it . First I fixed my riding position and clarified my cues . Then I reached down and popped him on the shoulder with a rein . Not hard of course but just enough to make him say " YOU HIT ME ! ! " However , it sure got his feet moving like they were supposed to , and MAN can I feel the difference ! After that we did pretty well . I 've started trying to work on our counter archs , and at first we really struggled , till BEC suggested that perhaps I was asking for too much arch . So the next time I tried it , it asked for a little less and a few less steps to start with , just to be able to reward the try . After that things started falling into place . I rode Princess Melly that night too . I guess I need to just make the time to get her back to the desert . There isn 't much to teach her , and we are getting our lead changes down , so the best thing for her would be just trail riding and going back to getting her a little less reactive . It isn 't going to happen in the arena I don 't think . In the last 4 days I have taken in so many new saddles . I bought an old Heiser for next to nothing , which is my next before and after project . I 'm pretty excited about that one . Then on Saturday , I took in 3 more consignments . Sunday brought 4 more and another Heiser which I will recondition for a gal . Monday , I went and picked up another at the post office which I bought on line . That does not include the 3 I picked up the week before . So I have plenty to keep me busy for the next couple of weeks . I can whip out a conditioning job pretty quickly these days , depending on how bad the saddle is . I 've got a good system down and have figured out which products work best for different situations . Yesterday it seemed like I was running crazy and as the sun was sinking low , I stood in the doorway of the shop trying to figure out which saddle I should start on . Then I heard a noise behind me and the geldings were over in their pasture tearing things up . They do this often at the end of the day , when they are impatient to come in and have their supper . I took the two spotted walker and put them away , and then grabbed Killian . I put a rope halter with an extra long lead on him , tied it into a rein , and led him up to a car trailer so I could climb up on him . We took a little walk around the block and it was nice to just enjoy the ride , without haCindy D . I just realized that it has been over a month since I have done a post . Where does the time go ? I find it amazing that I have less time now that I am unemployed , than I ever did when I was working . I wish I could say it was all horse time , but sadly it hasn 't . Trax is back home again and looking fabulous . I made the mistake of rearranging the herd and put him in with Killian his first night back . It was a huge mistake , and Trax got beat up pretty bad . So now we are in the process of dividing all the pens in half , and everyone will have their own . I have 2 pastures now , so its geldings in one and mares in the other . . . Trax gets to hang out with the girls . I just can 't sit and babysit to make sure Killian isn 't going to pull any of his crap . I will tell you that Killian got his ass beat for beating up on Trax . I looked out the window and saw it happening so I was able to go out and discipline at the appropriate time . It scared him pretty bad , didn 't really hurt him much but it got the message across . I have ridden Trax twice since he came home . I 'm worried about undoing his training so for now we work mostly on what I have been worked with by my trainer , which is mostly proper riding position and proper cues . It is amazing how differently my horse responds to me when I ride him correctly ! Who Knew ? ? ? ? Okay so I guess a lot of people did , but I didn 't realize just how much I was hindering my horses by lack of skill . It was less evident in Trax because he did not have the training anyway , but it was clearly evident when riding Melody . I will be taking a lesson a week , on Trax so that I can catch up to his training . We will be going to a Ranch Versatility clinic in Jan , and I hope to at least know how to ride my horse by then . Speaking of Melody , my equine therapist took a look at that muscle in the back . She did a couple of little things right then ( she was only there to drop off Trax and did not have her tools with her for a treatment ) which made a difference right off the bat . So once she gets some treatments we should see some real progress . Sassy has taken a turn for the worse again , the deep cracks and thrush were back so I had her shoes pulled and have been treating her vigorously . She is back in the boots temporarily , but eventually will go back to shoes . I could have treated the thrush with the shoes on , but the cracks just kept getting deeper and deeper so when he pulled the shoes and trimmed her , I had him open up the cracks so I could really get in there . So while she took a turn for the worse , she is doing better now , and is on the upswing again . I think my farrier thought I was unhappy with his work , and I tried to explain that I am not . I just needed to get to her feet is all . The new year will be bringing a lot of changes for Sassy anyway , but I won 't be sharing about that just yet . Killian came down with some sort of fungus . I guess it would be girth itch . But it got pretty ugly for a bit and required some shaving of his sides and chest . A visit to the vet , and some internal and topical meds seeThe saddle shop has been keeping me super busy ! I have teamed up with another gal who also does tack and then expanded into western clothing and bling . I don 't even want to deal with those items , but when we joined forces and combined our resources for the mobile booth . . . HOLY MOLY ! ! ! You couldn 't miss us . With my 20 ' trailer , 12 saddles out front , and all her shiney pretty things , plus all the small pieces of tack , then more saddles inside . . . yes we got quite a bit of attention . We set up close to home for the AZJRA last month , and did very well . While we were set up , some folks on the committee for the Globe rodeo asked if we would come set up at their event in 2015 . Then I sent a picture of our booth to the NBHA and asked about their final race of the year which is in Apache Junction . The gal couldn 't get us the vendor form fast enough . Then she asked if we would please come and set up at the first race of 2015 which is a four day event in Buckeye . From what I understand this is a huge event , and we are excited for the opportunity . With that in mind I have been scrambling to get inventory that is more barrel racer friendly . It was quite helpful that I had a run on saddles lately , and have sold quite a few of them in the last few weeks . It gave me just enough funds to buy more of what I need . I sold some of my really good saddles , and even managed to get rid of some of the junkier ones that I was sick of dragging around . Even sold one all the way up in Vegas . . . which worked out well since I just happened to be going to Las Vegas . TC and I were very fortunate to have been invited to go to the NFR with BEC and her hubby . It was a total blast ! I can 't recall the last time I had that much fun watching a rodeo . BEC had told me it was like watching a live action movie and she did not lie . There is no down time , in fact you hardly have a chance to catch your breath from one event to the next and if you need to go potty , you 'd better figure out which even you can live with missing . There is no intermission to speak of . When we weren 't at the rodeo , we spent some time walking around the different vendor booths . Clearly I have saddles on the brain all the time , because I could not go past a saddle booth and not fondle the merchandise . I did a good amount of research , which will be helpful down the road as I am moving towards buying more saddles on line from out of state , and less local sales . I find that bringing in fresh inventory that has not made its way around the valley yet , boosts sales immensely . Having sat in , and physically seen so many different saddles makes it easier to make those online decision now . One of my favorite custom saddle makers is Hickman 's Boot and Saddlery out of Idaho . They used to be in Washington , but have since moved to Post Falls . I have one of his older saddles for sale in my shop right now , and was just blown away by the quality of the work that Bob Hickman does . I actually was able to speak to him on the phone about the saddle I have , and thought it was pretty cool that the minute he saw the saddle he was able to tell me everything about it , including the name of the person he made it for ( which happens to be the person I am selling it for ) . I had heard that he might be going to the NFR , so was kind of watching for his booth and sure enough , we walked right smack into him . I introduced myself , and we chatted for a bit and then I asked if he had any body who distributed saddles for him . He only has his shop and website . I asked if he would consider doing that , and he said yes , and yes he would like to do that with ( Thank you once again BEC for suggesting that I ask about that ) gotta give credit where it is due ! Now we are home and it is back to business as usual and trying to get ready for the weekend . I 've got saddles coming in left and right , some nice affordable ones , some middle of the road ones , and if everything goes according to plan , will have at least 1 or 2 high end saddles here in the next week or so too ! With all that being said , I should probably get off the computer and back to work . I want to get some mandatory saddle time in today as well . As in mandatory " butt in the saddle " time ! I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season . I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas ! ! ! ! I will try to have pictures for my next post ! Yesterday I rode Melody for just a bit in the arena . We didn 't do much except lope circles and do some trotting . She hardly worked up a sweat at all . It was the first time I had ridden her since our long trek in the desert . After the ride I was administering her daily massage and I noticed something . Look closely at the musculature difference from left to right ? Do you see what I felt ? In this picture she has her weight distributed evenly and is totally relaxed while eating . The muscle on the right side is soooo tight and hard , where as on the left it is soft an relaxed . The right side is the hip that she has trouble with . So this leads me to a ton of questions ? Is she " tied up " ? How long has she been this way ? Did I do this to her by taking her too far ? Was it from her and Killian kicking the crap out of each other ? Is this what has been causing her to walk funny all along OR is this a result of the compensation of the pain in her hip , or a pain in her hock . Now she isn 't walking any different than usual , so I 'm hoping that would indicated that I didn 't do this to her by pushing to hard . I would feel terrible if that was the case . But surely if she had been this way all along we would have caught it in her therapy sessions . On the other hand , she has only had two sessions , and although we didn 't catch this specifically we did catch that she was very sore in that area . I guess I 'm kind of at that " Which came first , the chicken or the egg " thing again . For now I am keeping her blanketed at night . First horse I 've ever had that loves a blanket . And she has her Back on Track hock boots on , not that they actually hit the affected area , but at least they might be loosening the tendons down below . I also took Sassy 's knee boots and made a sort of impromptu stifle boot out of them . Not sure if it is helping at all but it isn 't hurting . . . well except for the part where she feels silly wearing it , but she will get over it . My biggest questions is what next ? Light exercise combined with stretches and massage ? Or total stall rest combined with stretching and massage ? Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this ? I 'd appreciate any input at all . Posted by Okay not THE coldest place but like 3rd coldest right behind Antarctica , and some place in Russia . My friend sent me picture of his rear view mirror temp reading in his truck as he was driving home from work . - 23 Meanwhile I find myself a little chilly in the morning , sometimes needing a light hoody or long sleeves , but by 10 or so , I 'm ready for short sleeves , sometimes even shorts . I have been riding and have a great time . Melody and I went about 10 miles the other day in the desert . For those of you that saw my facebook post , it was a tad misleading . While I said we did the full 10 miles in a long trot , that was actually not the case . While we did trot a good portion of the way , it was only true long trotting when the walking horse was racking out . My problem on facebook is that I only log on through my phone and it is to hard to explain myself , so I just post the short version . I never pushed her harder than she was willing to go , and she did get a nice long break in the middle of the ride . She also got a nice massage when we got home , and has gotten one every day since . She climbed a couple of really big hills . Big is a relative term . To her , they were huge . To Cody the trail machine , they were nothing . Think " Levee " sized . She also went down the hills which I find is good for teaching her to use her feet to work her way down instead of jumping up and down everything . I am pretty sure that she is actually enjoying the new scenery . She does best when there is another horse with her . Eventually she will have to learn to go alone , but since she is new to it , I can give her a couple of concessions . Now it is time for me to finish cleaning my house . . . . . I 'd rather be riding ! I 've really been missing my horse , and even trying to stay focused on the others wasn 't really cutting it . So finally I called DM and we set up a time for me to come and see how he is coming along . When I got there , she had just run inside to change shoes , so I went out to see Trax . His living arrangements are much smaller than he is used too , but his stall opens up into a small round pen so he does have room to move around . When I went to the gate he whinnied at me and came to see me . Then when I opened the gate to go inside he turned away from me , and hid behind his own butt . I said his name , and he turned for just a second and then looked away . It is his pouting look . I laughed pretty hard at him . DM came and got him and put him in cross ties . Really ? ? ? ? ? She saddled him , and jumped right up on him . No lunging , just got on and rode . Of course he is getting ridden almost every day , so with that in mind I probably would have done the same . But still it was odd to watch . It is odd to watch someone else ride my horse . It is also very cool . Of course in his warm up stage he is less than responsive , but it really didn 't take her long to get him on track . She talked about how he has no clue where his feet are , or how to properly place his feet for anything that we are wanting him to do . He doesn 't know how to carry himself at all . He does everything on his front end . These are all things I have known for a while , and these are the things she is working on . However I did take some time to explain to her this time about who he was when I got him . I wanted her to to understand fully that while yes I do a lot of lateral work with him , and quite possibly even too much of it , there was a time when there was no lateral at all . It was straight forward as fast as he could go and that was it . If I had not spent the last 3 years just getting him to soften up mentally , she would have needed way more than 30 days to do anything with this horse . But then that is what I need a trainer for . My last training stopped at the lateral work and it is past time to move on to the next step . First she worked on his frame . She would ask him to frame up by setting her hands and driving him with her legs . She never moved her hands but just kept bumping him with her legs . The minute he lowered his head and picked himself up , she did not release her hands but released pressure with her legs . Pretty soon he was carrying himself longer and longer , all on his own . She asked and he held it until she asked for something different . Then she worked on his turns . His tendency has always been to turn on his front end . I don 't know if that is from team roping , or what , but it has always been what he has done . and I have been trying for a long time to teach him something different . But I was doing it wrong . I watched as she moved him in a counter arched circle , and when he was smooth and easy crossing in front of himself in both the front and the back , then she was able to ask for a little more , and even I could see the beginning of a spin . As I watched her , what I saw was very much like what I remember Mark doing when I was working with him , only she was able to take it a step further . Then she loped and worked on teaching him to pick up his shoulder . He has a tendency to want to lope with his shoulder dropped and one hip out , she asked him to lope in a straight line and pick up that shoulder . I could really see the difference . Of course he still wants to throw his head up at the lope but she just set her hands and kept riding him into it , and eventually he carried it just like he is supposed too . Then she asked for the lead change and she got it the first try . . . . on the front , but it took two full laps and a slap on the butt with the reins to get that hind end . Do any of you recall the last time I tried slapping Trax on the butt ? This was the repeat performance only her arena is not even half the size of mine so mach 9 was more like Mach 6 . But clearly he was bothered by it and I said , " Yup you just lost him . " He was gone , his nose was straight up in the air . She did some roll back work with him and I really can see the difference in him all ready . He is trying to use his hind end instead of doing everything on the front . It is pretty awesome . So then she told me to get on him for just a minute . She coached me on holding my hands steady and low , and using my legs and he melted right into my hands . It was very cool . We just trotted and walked around a little , and called it good . He had already been working for an hour . Mostly I just wanted to get a little feel for what he is becoming , and it feels nice . So after a week , she has done some really nice work with him . She said that the one thing she likes about Trax is that once he " gets it " he gets it . Where ever they left off at one day , is pretty much where they pick up the next day . It is not a matter of going over it again and again and again . As we were hosing him down and putting him away , she says , " This is your one horse , isn 't it ? " As in the one I am most connected too . I had to laugh . . . . I guess I took it for granted that everyone who has ever met me already knew that . " Yes he is . " We all have the one horse who touches us someplace deep in our soul , and Trax is that horse for me . He always has been , he always will be . Aww Shucks ! I have been trying to work with Melly more , and while I made progress the one day , it all fell away since then . But I think I k now why . First of all , that day was smooth like butter because she felt great . She had just been worked on and all her parts were moving better . The very next day her and Killian got into a tiff in the pasture and I came out just in time to see them kicking the crap out of each other . She now has two great big welts on each stifle . I massage her every day , and try to keep her mobile as much as possible , but she is still a little stiff in the hind end again . Secondly the last time we did arena work I thought I was going to an ASHA clinic this Saturday ( its been canceled ) so I figured I 'd better ramp up our obstacle work . That was a bad idea . She was so upset about the obstacles on the ground , she couldn 't concentrate to do anything at all . So now I have a new approach . For now , at least , arena is reining and cow work . But yesterday Simon and I took Killian and Melody to the desert . It was her first time out there with me ( perhaps even the first time ever ) . She did pretty well , and I made a point of taking her through the dead trees and such to make sure she was stepping on lots of things . She was bothered at first but then was more concerned about being left behind than being afraid . Her reaction to the first was was hilarious . She said " no way " I said , " Killian is leaving with out you . " She said , " Dammit " and then jumped . . . . not across but just down to the bottom . Goofy horse . But after that she watched her leader carefully and then followed in his foot steps . Pretty soon she was navigating them on her own and he was following her . All in all it was a great ride until I dropped my phone on my road and shattered it . There went all my money for a new saddle pad ! Here are a few pictures of the desert ride . She was not sure about all this cotton ! Killian of course was his usual awesome trail horse self . He puts up with so much from Simon , and just handles it . It is hard to see but he is actually getting in better shape . He trotted the entire ride , without even trying to slow down . That is progress for him . So my goal with Melly is to keep with the desert riding until it is boring for her and then I will set up poles and other obstacles out there , to where it is just part of what we do . Then we will bring it back to the arena and see if it is easier for her . It is really all I know to do at this point . In the mean time , she will be my sorting horse , there is lots of that coming up and she is so darned good at it , and hopefully I will be better . Posted by First were the therapy treatments . We started with Melody , who has seemed stiff and awkward to me . I wasn 't sure if it was in my imagination or real . It was , beyond a shadow of a doubt , very real . As Dana started palpating and touching trigger points to see where the problem areas were , she found both shoulders sore , right hip was reactive but not as much as I expected . However , when she touched the trigger point on the inside of her stifle , she almost lost a knee cap . I have never seen Melly try to kick like that . Clearly it was a problem area . This sparked a memory in me of when the farrier was out the week before and put new shoes on her . Usually Melly is relaxed and practically falls asleep during her " pedicure " This time she struggled with holding up her hind legs , and the farrier was very careful to keep them as low as possible . Dana worked on her for a long time . She also had two very tight muscle spots right over her hip point . It is so cool to see the horses reactions when things feel better . Melly shakes her head , yawns , licks and chews and some times does a whole body shake . The biggest reaction was after she worked on that right stifle area . I swear if she could have said " OMG that feels good ! " she would have . The difference was amazing ! I walked her around some afterwards and she wasn 't even dragging that back toe any more . Melly is now on a once a month schedule just like Sassy . Sassy was next , and we have made some major progress with her . The scar tissue is no longer attached to the muscle . I go out every day and massage that area and try to keep it loose . She did have some pain there still , according to the machine . It is interesting to watch the Magna wave machine do its thing . If it is a problem area , the tissue will react , bouncing violently with each pulse . If the area is already relaxed and there is no pain , there will be very little reaction at all with the pulse . She had no reaction in the knee that I thought was bothering her . Some reaction in the shoulder , some reaction in the foot . Her chest area is always sore , I assume from compensating for the foot soreness . I have been keeping on with her thrush treatment , and I am also going to treat her as if she is laminitic , just because I am out of options . ( side note : her pain in her foot doesn 't seem to be too big of a problem for her . She had no issue with bum rushing her gate this morning and making a mad dash for the grass which she isn 't allow to have ! ) Then it was time to load up Trax and send him on his way . The day before I decided to get one more ride on my boy before he left . I swear he can read my mind . I have not said to him , " Trax you are going away for a month . " yet he sure acted like he knew . He did everything he could to convince me that he doesn 't need a trainer . His stops were gorgeous . I mean like " right now " gorgeous . We loped big and small beautiful circles at he adjusted his speed according to my seat , and never once argued about anything . We even played around with the barrels and gosh did we have fun ! He has a beautiful turn on the third barrel ! Even with that , I had made my decision and so yesterday he went . It was so hard to see him go . I talked her ear off about him , making sure she knew all his little quirks , the things he likes , and doesn 't like . She finally laughed at me , and said , " I promise to take good care of him , and be nice to him . " Then he was gone . In order to keep myself from missing him I decided to do some riding . I rode Melody first and we worked on my lead change cues . I must be getting it right because we did four smooth changes . So smooth that I wasn 't even sure she did them until I looked down and saw which leg she was leading with . It was pretty awesome . We also went over poles several times . She is really coming along nicely . I 'm pretty excited . ( actually that should read " My riding skills are finally coming along nicely " since she already knows this stuff ! " ) Then I rode Killian . Rather than fight with him over arena work , I opted to just take him out and trot around the neighborhood . As I get to know more and more people , this seems to be a challenge as I end up stopping and talking to folks as I ride . Last night was no different ! I also met a new neighbor who was out scooping poop . He was an older cowboy , and we chatted for a bit . I commented on his pretty paint horse , and he said , " Yeah he 's pretty nice for an old guy . " I asked how old he was . So there I am sitting on my 20 year old horse who does not look bad for his age , even though he is a little over weight . This horse was built like a brick $ h ! t house , not an ounce of fat on him and his forearms . . . . as big and solid as any horse I have ever seen . If you put him and Killian next to each other , it would be like comparing John Cena to Chris Farley . Okay well maybe not quite like that , but you get the picture . Next time I ride by there I will have to take his picture . He truly is gorgeous ! My horse is going on an exercise program ! Anyway , so then I rode on home and as I was coming up my street I ran into another neighbor on her horse with her 3 dogs . Killian doesn 't care about dogs , he has been working side by side with them his whole life . Even if they bark and run in and out of his feet , he does not care . If they get stepped on . . . he also does not care . LOL However , my kitty , Oscar , does care about those dogs very much and one of them chased him up to the top of a power pole , which is where he was perched when I cam a long . The gal apologized , and I told her not to worry , he would come down when he was ready . I put Killian away , and then walked back out front to check on Oscar . I walked out just in time to see a huge owl take a swipe at my cat who was trying desperately to get the heck down off that pole before he became dinner . I ran out and yelled at the owl who lighted on the high line and watched my kitty . I started throwing rocks at the owl and yelling at him to leave . Oscar made it down and was hiding in the bushes in the neighbors pasture , but I couldn 't get to him . Finally the owl flew away , but I still could not get Oscar to come out of his hiding place . Finally an hour later Oscar came in the house , no worse for wear , but he did stay in for the rest of the night . I guess that was a little more excitement than he cared for in one night . So my time now will be spent trying to keep myself busy with my other horses , so I am not missing my paint horse . There is plenty to do , as always , so that shouldn 't be so hard . My trainer just called me and told me about her first ride . She said that I had really done all the hard work and that she feels she can do a lot to help Trax to take him to the next level . Next week I will head down to her place and we will do a one on one , but she was very happy with the progress made in his first ride . Her first goal will be in how he carries himself . He will carry himself correctly if asked too , but she wants him to do it on his own . She feels that once he has that in place , the rest will come pretty easily . I am excited to see the progress and hope that once he gets there , I can step up my riding skill to keep from letting him fall back into bad habits . Now it is time to get to work . Hope everyone is having a great week ! It seems like forever since I have done a post . It probably has been forever . As much as I hate facebook , it seems like I spend most of my time there simply because I do a lot of selling on the horse pages there . It is interesting where this new endeavor of mine is taking me . The friendships I am making are pretty awesome and I am finally starting to get my name out there as someone who has quality items at a fair price . I still only have two boarders , which to me is perfect . It pays for my own horses food and my farrier bill too . However , one of my boarders is back east right now , picking up a second horse , which will suit me just fine . She wants her two horses to cohabitate in the big paddock that her other horse already lives in , so once we get them introduced and acclimated , that is where he will live . That negates me having to do any more fence building . Plus , will bring in enough money to cover the special services that my ponies get ( chiro and the such ) . I had a big 2 day tack sale at my house this past weekend . Sold quite a bit and handed out a ton of cards . Now even more folks know I am here , and that is a good thing . I think the most exciting sale for me was the Colorado Saddlery saddle I have . It was exciting not in the sense of , " Thank god this thing is finally leaving . " But exciting because someone besides me , saw it and thought , " Wow , that is a gorgeously made saddle , even if it is old . " the folks that bought it are just getting back into horses . It fit the lady perfectly , and they were happy to be able to put it on a layaway plan . Her horse is a little narrower too so it should fit just fine . She looked at others , but they kept coming back to this one , saying it was the one . I am so happy about that . Silly , I know . In horsey news . . . well there hasn 't been much . I 've done a little riding in the arena , here and there , but need to get back to doing more . However I have another sale to go to this weekend , and still have to get my mobile trailer put together , so yet another week will have to go by without much riding . However , My new trainer worked with me and Melody on our lead changes , and I do believe we are finally getting the hang of it . . . well I am , she has always had the hang of it . One of the biggest problems was me not collecting her up for the change . Once I understood that , thing got much better . Sassy , threw me for a loop last week . I had tried an experiment with some low wedges , and quickly realized that they weren 't working so well . I had the farrier pull them , now she is back to just shoes on the front . But then I noticed that she was hobbling on that left front . I do go out and massage that shoulder when ever I am around her , but she hasn 't gotten much exercise since the night she went to the sorting and got to hang out with all the grown up horses like a big girl . I was completely at a loss for what I needed to do for her , but then a light came on . I looked at her heels . Sure enough , she was developing another deep crack on that left front mediaI sure will miss my paint horse though . Tomorrow is treatment day for the mares , and then sometime soon we will be holding a Therapy clinic here , introducing folks to the magna - wave therapy that I have been using on Sassy . So there it is , that is what has been happening with me . Now time to go catch up on everyone 's blogs to find out what you have all been up too ! Posted by When I was a youngster , still a child , probably a teenager , but just barely so , I would go to the state fair every year . Usually for my birthday , which always fell on one of the days of the fair . I would ride a few rides , loved the carnival games , had to go to the livestock shows , and occasionally attend a concert . I didn 't have a horse of my own then . The one ride I always rode , even though I was " much too old " for such silliness , was the Carousel . My mother would always ask , " Really ? You want to ride that ? Seems kind of boring for a girl your age . " But I always did . I would wait in line , watching as the little kids went round and round . I would look at all the horses , and choose which one would be mine . Then when it was my turn I would race to my chosen mount , hoping to get there before some snot nosed little urchin beat me to it . Then the music would start and round and round we would go . For the first time around , sometimes even two times , I would see my parents , or grandparents , waving to me . I would sheepishly wave back , not wanting to be rude . Then I would close my eyes , and the world would fall away . The sounds of the fair and the carousel music would fade off in the distance . I was no longer in the city at a fair , on a silly ride . I was a cowgirl , racing my pony across the open plain . My heart matched his hoof beats ; his mane and my hair whipped in the wind as one . I would spread my arms wide as if I was flying ( like Alec in the black stallion ) and then I 'd become a girl ship wrecked on an island , racing the only friend I had across the beach . My vision would change again , and I was the girl in Tam the Untamed , riding my silver horse through the Australian bush , with a herd of Brumbies on our heels . . . . and bad men just a little further behind . Then the ride would begin to slow and I was snapped back to reality . My dream for the day was over , but not really . In my mind the dream was right there , just a sigh away . Just a girl and her horse . It is truly all I ever wanted to be . I wish Goldfield really was still just a ghost town , but it isn 't . It is a relatively cool tourist trap located at the foot of the superstitions . Today CW and I trailered out to the desert behind the tourist trap , which is all state land , and saddled up for some more trail riding . I have be testing out other saddles on Trax , trying to find something that isn 't quite as tight on his shoulders , so today I used Killian 's big 7 - D Rope saddle . It actually fit really nice , and I think now I know more of what I am looking for for Trax . I don 't mind this particular saddle , but it is a hard seat , and built more for a man than a woman . However , we rode for 2 full hours up and down some pretty serious terrain , and I was never uncomfortable . But if I could find something that wide , with a padded seat , and a little bit higher cantle that what my Circle Y is , I think it would be perfect . Anyway , the down side to this saddle is the extra wide saddle horn which my horn bags will not fit over . I grabbed a rear pack to tie on the back , and attached it . As I saddled up my might steed , when ever I flopped the pack around a little to make adjustment , he jumped around . I opted not to try out a new saddle , and a rear pack , on a new trail which is loaded with Cholla cactus and really big rocks . I removed one side of the bag , it flopped down on Trax 's flank and he proceeded to have a nice little bucking fit right there next to the trailer . Now I have to give my horse credit . He looked more like one of those little rocking horse toys because he kept his entire body in a ten by ten area , never running off , just bucking in place about 20 times . I thought , " Great , is this what the ride is going to be like ? " Once I removed the vicious fanny pack , I lunged him in a quick circle and he was fine , so I bridled him up and got on . Perhaps it was the whole Fanny Pack thing that bothered him . As in " Only dorks wear fanny packs lady ! " In AZ much of the desert riding is surrounded by barbed wire and has special gates which allow horses and people in but not motorized vehicles . I had no clue how Trax would react to one , and I have not had to deal with one yet , so I was " excited " when I saw one for us to go through . Now there was a wide open gate right next to the horse gate , but far be it from me to pass up a golden training opportunity . CW went through with Cody first , I thought about getting off and leading him through but decided to save that for if he gave me a really hard time . My horse is awesome . Just saying . He watched Cody , then walked up , stepped through , with out ever even a hesitation . Like I said . . . . awesome ! And away we went . One of the things I enjoy about riding with CW is her ability to push my just outside my comfort zone with out pushing so far that it ruins my confidence . Cody is a trail eating machine . I don 't care how steep , how narrow , how rocky , how overgrown , how anything is on a trail . He barrels through like it is nothing . He is the most sure footed , confident horse I have ever seen . Now Trax is a really good trail horse as well . He rarely ever gives me any trouble , and seems to be quite good at these big rocky hills I have been taking him on . He climbs right up , sometimes at a walk , sometimes at a trot , sometimes even at a lope . I let him chose his pace , after all he is the one doing all the work . When we go down he chooses his path carefully , and takes his time . I also think this level of difficulty is teaching him to pick up his feet . So we started climbing , the first really big hill was a choice of less steep to one side , but the trail went over solid rock which angled down to the side at about a 15 % grade , or straight up that same grade . We chose the straight up . It just looked safer . There was a lot of this and a couple of times I felt that small knot in the pit of my stomach , wondering if we could do it . Trax said , " Of course we can . " I hate that the pics don 't accurately show how steep it is . Or maybe it just feels steeper when you are going up it . Not steep at all here , just loving how green it is . So as we are riding along , there were some times when I thought that Trax was showing signs of fatigue . His head was down and he was plodding along . No sooner would I say , " I think he 's getting tired , " and he would pull his head up , put it into overdrive , and proceed to show me that he was no where near being done . Here is a very short video of one of those times . This looks like it is on flat ground but it was really about a 3 or 4 percent grade . http : / / youtu . be / wXTmnS1HQlM It isn 't exciting unless you are me and totally in love with your paint horse . This was taken on the road that the tourist trap uses for their jeep tours . Some of our trail was two track like that , but much of it was single file , drop off on one side , and 10 % grade on the other . Those were a little hairy too , especially when there was cactus growing into the trail . Today we learned that side passing away from the cactus is a good thing . I ended up having to use pliers to remove about 20 cactus thorns from his heel bulb at the end of the ride . As we were making our loop back around and on one of the sections of single trail we hit a patch that was very steep which we had to go down . Trax and I were in front and I was just letting him pick his path , but at this point he moved to the side of the trail , stopped and turned back to look at Cody . His message was clear , " You go first friend , and I will follow you . " As soon as Cody went , Trax followed him right down . It was kind of cool actually . It was a pretty hairy path , less gravel than slick rock , and Cody chose his path wisely and Trax pretty much followed his exact foot steps . Once we got to the bottom the trail widened again and they raced side by side up the hill . Goofy boys . Then Trax fell back in front and all was good . Just another pic . I know that some people say that you shouldn 't let your horse run up the hills . I 'm sure there is a good reason behind it . I just feel like if my horse feels like he needs the extra umph to be able to cart my butt up that grade , he is welcome to go as fast as he needs too as long as he slows back down when we get to the top . Trax always does , so I have no complaints . So it was a pretty uneventful ride , although a lot of fun , and great conditioning for both horses . However I am going to have to put bell boots on him from now on , because he got a pretty good cut on one foot right next to where I had to pull all the cactus out . No ride would be complete with out the gratuitous sweaty pony shot . As I look at this pic I do recognize that the breast collar is slung a little low on him . Remember this is Killian 's tack and there for just a tad large on Trax . However even low slung like that it did its job and kept the saddle from sliding back at all . I really need to get something like Nuzzling Muzzles , helmet cam , or Mugwumps bra cam , so that I can take video going up the stuff that scares the crap out of me . Ok , well that is a slight exaggeration , because if it scared the crap out of me then I probably wouldn 't do it , but you get my drift . So that is what I did this morning , now I am going to saddle up Big K , and ride him down to watch the roping boys on my street . I 'm sure there is some sort of work I need to be doing right now , but I 'm dressed for riding . . . no sense wasting that ! Easter 2007 , I decided that I was no longer doing Easter baskets for my boys . They were old enough to not want or need them , and truly all that chocolate was kind of crazy . . . . well made them kind of crazy . Plus they were terrible about leaving little foil wrappers laying everywhere . At the time we had been in WY for about a year . I had to give up my cat Pringles when we made the move from Arizona , and I was feeling pretty lonesome with out any animals . Since we were not allowed to have a cat where we were renting , I decided we would go adopt a dog . So we made the trip to the two animal control locations in Casper . I knew I wanted a lab , so that is what I was looking for . Color was not important , temperament was vital . At the first location there was a big chocolate male . He was full of energy , about a year old , decent breeding , a little out of control . He had spent his entire life in a back yard with very little human contact . I knew he was trainable but I also knew it would be a lot of work . I also knew that my husband ( now ex ) would probably make me take him back if he did too much damage . Also being that the house was rental . . . . I wouldn 't have a leg to stand on . Still I did not rule the big boy out . At the second location there were a few labs . Most were the skinny , hyper , field bred types . Super high energy dogs . But then there was another one , another chocolate . I wasn 't looking for a chocolate to take the place of Easter chocolate , but I thought it was funny that I kept coming back to those . This one was a girl . I could tell just by looking at her that she had decent breeding behind her . She was an owner surrender , due to moving and couldn 't keep her . She was excited to get to come out of her kennel and jumped all over me , but when I said , " Sit " Her butt hit the ground . She was 3 years old , past the puppy destructive age , and obedience trained . I knew she was the one . We signed the papers , put a leash on her and took her to my Jeep Cherokee . I opened the back and she jumped right in , and proceeded to bounce off of every window like a maniac all the way home . " OMG ! What have I done ? " I wondered . ( Just for the record , She never lost that habit ) When we got to the house the first thing she did was jump up on the couch and make herself at home . Mike had specific rules about dogs on furniture . However , she was a smart girl and only had to be told a couple of times not to get up there . Her name was already Dakota , and since I didn 't hate it , we didn 't change it . From then on Dakota became and integral part of our family . She was house broken , never got into trouble while we were gone , and loved loved loved to go hiking . The next door neighbor bought a little Golden Retriever puppy . Dakota loved that puppy and would dig holes under the fence just big enough for him to come over and play . They had a great time tearing up every single dog bed we bought for her , which was always a lovely mess to come home too . She was famous for her " butt scoot " run , which made her feel super fast . Dakota 's biggest thrill was going camping . We had a big school bus that we converted into a motorhome of sorts . When she would see the buss in the drive way ( we stored it elsewhere ) she would just go crazy ! She would run in and out of the bus , " helping " us load it up , and then would refuse to get out for fear of being left behind . She should not have worried though , she would never have been left behind . At the campsite I never had to worry about her wandering off . She never went far and always came when called . She spent most of her time in the water . She was a typical lab who could care less what the water temp was . If there was water she was going in , ice cold , or luke warm . This was taken right around New Years , it was a balmy - 16 that day . The water was warmer because we were close to the power plant but the air was almost unbearable . Dakota did not care about temps . She just wanted to swim and look for ducks . When we took her hiking in the mountains she would run ahead about 50 yards and then come back to where we were , then run ahead , and then run back . She hiked at least 20 times the distance we did . She loved snow too . She would tunnel through it and roll and just have the best time . Eventually we brought home Mason , and she was happy to have a friend . He was younger and she took great care of him . They were best buds . Two years later , Mike and I split up . We had moved to a house in the country by then , and I had Danny , the horse . So when I moved out I only moved one street over , where I rented a little trailer on five acres . I could only have one dog , so I had to choose . Dakota and Mike were hiking buddies , I don 't care for climbing mountains and neither did Mason , so I took Mason and he kept Dakota . However I did baby sit her for him often . Even after TC and I got together Dakota often came to stay with us for a few days . When TC and I made the decision to move to AZ , Mike approached us and asked if we would take Dakota with us . She was starting to struggle with the cold of WY , and showing some signs of arthritis . Plus , he wanted to start traveling and didn 't want to be held down by the responsibility of a dog . So we agreed to take her . She has been with us here for a little over a year , and I while I think she actually misses the snow , she has a good life with us , and gets to spend as much time as she wants in the house . She has never broken a rule , never gotten in trouble . Not once . . . not ever . She sleeps at the foot of our bed at night , and never makes a peep . last fall Well she did anyways . . . she doesn 't now . About two months ago she start stumbling when she walked . It was random , no way of predicting it , and I assumed it was just her arthritis . Then she started limping on her front foot . I gave her half of a Rhimodyl , and then had to leave for the weekend to sell tack . TC called me later and said , she was having trouble walking . We assumed she was having a reaction to the low dose of Rhimodyl , and so of course she didn 't get anymore . She was still eating and drinking , and TC was able to get her out side as long as he helped her by giving support on her sides . By time I got home Sunday , I had to actually lift underneath her and support her weight , and her feet would often fold up underneath her . I was convinced that she had Valley Fever . It can attack your joints and so I took her to the vet Monday morning and had her tested . For some stupid reason , because I was so sure I knew what her problem was I guess , I didn 't have them run a full blood panel . I took her back home waiting for the results , and within 24 hours she quit eating or drinking . So I rushed her back and we did the panel . She is diabetic . We also had the Valley Fever results back . She also has that but the titers were very low . So low that the vet said at the current levels he would have been taking her off the VF meds if she had been on them . On top of that there is some deterioration of her spine . We started her on insulin , and she immediately started doing better . Was eating and drinking , and more alert . She has an appt on Wed for a recheck . She won 't be making that appoint , I don 't think . Dakota can no longer walk at all . She cannot even sit up to pee or poop . She cannot even help us help her out to the door . She weighs 85lbs . I can no longer carry her in and out to go to the bathroom . Even then she just lays there and lets everything just dribble out . She is so miserable , I can tell . As I type this I am waiting for the vets office to open so I can call and ask to bring her in this morning . I have made the decision that unless the vet is super confident that he can get her to walk again , she won 't be coming home with me . The one thing I like about my vet is that he is honest with me . If he thinks he can help her we will say so , but he will not waste my money or my dogs life , if he thinks he cannot . Its funny , well not funny , but ironic . We have Butch who is at least 13 years old , has lupus , and is on prednisone . We always thought he would be the first one to go , not Dakota . Not our happy healthy girl . It is time to call now . I guess I will finish this when I get home from the vet . The last picture ever taken of my girl . The prognosis was not good . The vet said we could try a neurologist , but but since we cannot isolate what exactly is keeping her from walking , we could get thousands of dollars into it and not be any further than where we are . I made the call and stayed with her till the end . I am sad but feel a certain amount of relief as well . It was so hard to see her lying there like that , wanting to go for her walk , but not having the ability to do so . She was depressed I could tell . As always it was the right decision , but it sure doesn 't make it any easier . Posted by Picket Post Trail If you head up US 60 from Apache Junction towards Globe , just past Florence Junction is a sign for the Picket Post Trail Head . I have driven past many times and always thought it would be cool to go check it out . Now I have a riding buddy . . . . who boards her horse with me . Which isn 't to say that I don 't have other riding buddies , but this riding buddy is a cross country trail fanatic and I mean that in the most awesome way . We had planned on heading up to Payson but I have a show to get ready for ( to sell at , not compete in ) and my time is really limited right now so I decided I could not really go for all day trek . We opted for the Picket Post which only took about 20 min to drive to and was , in a word , AWESOME ! It was every bit as awesome as I had hoped it would be and we really only explored the tip of the iceberg . I took my " trusty " steed Trax , and she rode her Walker , Cody . I gained a lot of respect for her horse on this trip . He is as sure footed as any mule , and seems to have endless energy . I will let the pics do most of the talking here in just a minute , but I want to tell a little bit about the trail . This is a very rocky ride . I would not recommend taking a barefoot horse up there without boots . Luckily Trax has shoes on now , and I was happy for it . I think he was too . It starts out with lots of little ups and downs , the trail is a two track and their are cows foraging around you as you ride . As you go the ups gradually become steeper , and there are less downs than ups . I cannot even begin to guess what the grade of the climb was and I was a little unsure of how my horse would handle it . Once again I under estimated the magnificence of my pony . He rocked those rocks and climbed those hills pretty easily . I let him pick his pace going up the hills . If he wanted to trot or lope to get up them , who was I to argue , as long as once he got to the top he slowed down before vaulting over a cliff . Those two were taken before the climbing started . The next 3 were taken at about the half way mark of the " up " . If you follow that ridge down to the point and then imagine what lies below that . . . that is where we started out We could have ridden over closer to that mountain but thought we chose a less steep hill . We were wrong . Ear Shots ! This is a pic of my riding buddy . CW We pushed onward and the next climb was huge and very steep but the horses seemed ready to go for it , so up we went . About half way up poor Trax started puffing pretty hard , and then it seems as though he was limping . I thought maybe he had a rock so when we reached what we thought was the top we stopped and I checked his feet . No rocks , but perhaps a bruise . Then we turned around and there was yet another very steep hill behind us . We opted not to go any further this time , simply because both our horses are out of shape . No sense killing them the first time around . So we turned around and headed back down . God performed a miracle that day because suddenly Trax 's limp was healed ! This is at the bottom of the last hill we climbed . The pic doesn 't accurately show how steep it was , or even that it goes on around the bend and then up another fifty feet or so . At the trail head again we weren 't quite ready to quit so we wandered over to the " Arizona Trail " which is more for hikers but horses are allowed . It is narrower though . We saw a cave which turned out to be a tree ( LOL ) and then we just kind of meandered and followed that little one lane trail . It took us out to the US60 and we could have crossed under it through a large culvert , but opted not to . Instead we followed a wash for a bit then bushwhacked it up a hill and then we saw the coolest little " place " for lack of a better term . I assume it is there for the cows , but it had stone walls , a cistern , windmill , and a long water trough for livestock . We had to get pics under the trees . And then we saw Don Quixote tipping his hat to the windmill . ( and I have had that song in my head ever since ) I cannot explain to you why I thought of that except that when I think of Don Quixote I always imagine a drawing I saw of him which depicts him as being tall and scraggly and he is facing the windmill here . After that we either had to go back the way we came or blaze another trail . We chose to blaze and Trax lead the way up a sheer rock face and never once took a misstep ! I was pretty dang proud of my horse . He was a perfect gentleman the entire ride , he handled some pretty tough terrain and never once did I feel unsafe , or like he was going to go out of control . I do however think it is time to start looking for a different saddle for him . As much as I have loved my Circle Y , I noticed today that it is starting to put a lot of pressure on his left shoulder . Not sure why , but of course horses bodies change through out their lives , and saddles do get worn out . So maybe it is just time . Of course every ride ends with the sweaty pony pic . If you are ever in the area and looking for a good ride , I would recommend this trail , however it is not for the faint of heart . I cannot wait to go back and take one of the other trails ! 1 . I am a confident rider2 . I ride with conviction3 . I am the leader of this team4 . We are a successful team5 . My horse can do anything6 . Up the phone Pole - down the foxhole we will go . The ramblings of a middle aged woman and her herd Welcome to my blog about my life with our herd . We live here in Arizona on our own little patch of heaven with our 3 horses , two Labradors and 2 kitties . At the ripe old age of 50 something , I have embarked upon a journey to become a better horse woman . Its been a heck of a ride so far and I 'm just getting started ! I love to hear others comments so please do not be shy . I can assure you that I read and appreciate every single comment that comes across my page . I don 't always respond but only because I don 't always have time . All photo 's on this blog belong to me , unless otherwise stated , but I don 't mind sharing so just ask . If you need to contact me privately please feel free to email me at ms . cmdurham @ gmail . com . Thanks for stopping by . Cindy D Heaven is really nothing more than a little place in the country , my family around me , and a yard full of horses and dogs . . . . my herd . I have finally found heaven , and am so completely content , I just can 't help but share with others about my life . Welcome to the ramblings of a middle aged woman and her life with her herd . View my complete profile Day 4 consisted very little of me and a lot of Simon and Killian . I decided to give myself a break , and the paint horse too . MK called at . . . Yesterday the herd was in the pasture . It was the first time they had been out in a week due to irrigation . I hate keeping them locked up . . . It was gorgeous today . I was up early to get ponies fed before the vet came . I sprayed everyone with fly spray . Tried to rake up some poop . . . |
A week or so ago , I went to Lady Grace to buy some new bras . I have always had good luck there and I needed some new underwire bras as the old ones have been losing the war with the wire and have been stabbing me in awkward locations . I took my friend Seth with me because he loves fabric , fashion , and sewing , and didn 't mind going with me for something that odd . He is also the boyfriend of my friend Russell and a previous student of mine , so he tends to get dragged off to odd places all the time . At the store , he drew a number of odd looks and when the manager finally got around to helping me ( the computers were down , so not her fault ) , we had no luck finding anything in my size . I am , admittedly , overweight , but this had never been a problem before . I did try on a few things , however , and while I was in the dressing room , the manager , at some point , walked by Seth as he was looking around and stated , " These are not for you . " I ended up ordering a style from the catalog in two colors , and we left which was when he told me about his experience . I expressed my annoyance about it but we laughed it off . Seth is not the type to really worry about other people 's biases , and I was just annoyed at my lack of success . A couple of days ago , I got the call that the bra was in . This time , the woman who has been staying with us , Jada , went with me . When I got there , the manager showed me what had come in . Only one bra had been ordered as apparently the other color was unavailable , and when I tried it on , I was disappointed by the sheer fabric and the lack of a liner . ( I prefer to avoid the ' headlight ' phenomenon and like bras with a light liner to avoid embarrassment . ) I told the manager that this was the first time I had not been able to find something in their store , and her " Sorry " was anything but sincere . However , when she was telling me that the new line was in the middle of being photographed , she also took a moment to compliment me on my peacock pin . At this point , I was feeling a little exasperated . I had not been told that there was one less bra than I had planned on when they had called , I did not like the bra , and here was the woman suggesting that I order from the catalog , the source of the flimsy selection that had been ordered in the first place . When she complimented me on the pin , I seized the opportunity to get a little back for Seth and myself . I told her point blank that it was from D . A . R . She looked at me blankly , and so I told her it was the Daughters of the American Revolution . She looked a little stunned then , and I further went on and mentioned that I had gotten it from Congress the previous year , not elaborating . She complimented it again , still looking a little bit taken aback , and then recovered herself and reminded me that I could get the catalog sent to me and could order them through the store at my convenience . I will not be going back to that store . I plan on going to the Woburn store , where they have always been nice to me , this weekend and see if there really is nothing that I can buy . I have a hard time believing that in a store of that many bras that there is nothing I can purchase there . If I am right , then I will send a complaint to the headquarters and let them know about the manager 's treatment of both Seth and myself . After all , I should not have to be treated in such a way because of the company I keep , Seth should not have been spoken to in such a manner , and I should not have to resort to playing the WASP card just to get good service . Wow ! I actually made it into the short story contest 's second round . I am going to post the story here so as to share it more effectively . The car was going nowhere . Mary sighed and climbed stiffly out of the driver 's seat , grateful that Nico was already at school , and the high school hadn 't called her called in to sub that day . She had stopped in downtown Derry to run to the post office , and when she came out , the stupid engine wouldn 't even turn over . The starter again . The car was old , she commiserated with herself . Sometimes she felt that old cars did things like this just to be spiteful for their years of long , unappreciated service . At least , it seemed that way on early Tuesday mornings like this one . A large black greyhound , Corsi by name , panted at her from the backseat , and thrust his long , graceful nose out of the half open window . Marry scratched his head absently with one hand while flipping through her wallet for her AAA card with the other . The dog groaned and leaned against her hand with obvious pleasure . Finding the card , she reached for her phone and dialed the number . Fifty minutes , the operator told her . Glancing around , Mary spied the little coffee house she sometimes visited , and decided that it would be as good a place as any to wait for the tow truck . The spring air wasn 't cold , exactly , but a cup of coffee and a warm place to hang out that allowed Corsi wouldn 't be bad either . This was not to mention that their muffins were gluten - free and totally worth the price they charged for them . Securing the car , she let Corsi out and walked down the street towards the Daily Grind . Two motorcycles suddenly roared by , and Mary flinched . Big men on bikes terrified her like no other . Shaking , she entered the coffee shop and settled down to wait . It wasn 't too long before the tow truck showed up , and her guess of a dead starter was confirmed . Giving the driver the name of her usual mechanic , Mary then made a two more calls and went back to the Grind to wait . Ten minutes later , a blue HHR pulled into the parking lot , and her friend Margo stepped out of the car . Spying Mary , she walked into the shop . On the ride , Mary related her latest failure in online dating . Margo rolled her eyes when Mary mentioned the gluten - free dating site , but admitted that there were worse ways to meet men - not many , she amended quickly , but some . They pulled into Mary 's mother 's driveway where Mary and Nico lived , and Margo turned , looking Mary in the eyes . " You , " said Margo , " have never taken any chances . You 've been that way your whole life … with everything ! Most people try something dangerous occasionally - skiing , acting , even underwater volleyball , for Christ 's sake - something that could get them hurt emotionally or even physically , but not you . You always take the safe way out , even when you try something new . It 's like running with safety scissors , hon . Even if you fall , you are not likely to get hurt . " " What I 'm saying , " said Margo , " is that you should stretch your limits . I know Nico has Celiac 's and you like the gluten - free foods , but that doesn 't mean every guy you date has to . A lot of the guys on those dating sites are just plain weird . " " That is so ten minutes ago , " said Margo , flipping her hair over her shoulder in mock distain . " No , I mean go out and meet people . Single dads at the PTA or guys at the dog park are too tame , too easy , too bland . Live a little . " " Don 't close yourself off to possibilities , or you 'll never find out what is truly out there , " she said . " Come out with me tonight to the Shaskeen . There 's a new band in town I want to check out and who knows ? Leave the safety scissors at home for once and come out . " Mary 's car was at the shop almost until their closing time of seven , and Mary had told Margo to go along without her . Mary 's mother had picked up Nico at school and was completely sympathetic to her daughter 's desire to have a little adult time once the car was fixed . It was Mary who almost backed out by mentally coming up with excuses not to go . She was subbing tomorrow , it was getting late , Nico would need her … In the end , she gave in to Margo 's repeated phone calls and drove up to Manchester . Her mechanic warned her not to drive too fast as the engine was held together with " duct tape and some chewing gum " as it was . She took the back way to Manchester , onto South Willow St , and into the heart of the city . The Shaskeen was well known for its food and propensity to attract good bands . Whoever was playing that night must have been popular as Mary couldn 't find anywhere to park on the main street and was forced to park on one of the side streets that felt too much like a dark alley for her nervous imagination . She locked the door and walked quickly to cheerfully lit Elm Street . On the main street , she slowed down and made her way to the pub . The dark wood and solid furniture gave off the aura of an Irish Pub inside the Shaskeen , and the brazen sound of rock music assaulted her ears from the back room . A poster near the door advertised that Stepping on Emma was playing that night , and Mary smiled to herself at the oddness of the name . She headed towards the back where Margo would be waiting , and Mary lost no time threading her way to her friend 's table . Margo was drinking a hard cider and swaying to the band , but when she saw Mary , she waved her over and ordered a round of cider for them both . The band took a break a few numbers later , and Margo wandered off to talk to a girl friend she had seen come through the door . When she returned , she had three people in tow : her friend and two cute guys who worked with her . They all sat down at the table with Mary , and by the time the band had started up again , they were all embroiled in a conversation about recent films they had liked . One of the guys , John , stood up and held his hand out to Mary , pulling her up and onto the dance floor where a several other couples were dancing . Mary smiled and danced with him for a few songs , then returned to the table to sit with Margo and her friend Sally to giggle for a few minutes at the other man , Billy , who got up and waltzed with John across the floor . The men returned to the table , and the conversation resumed . It was fun , Mary reflected , and she realized how much she missed being able to get out of the house and enjoy herself . Eventually , several ciders later , Mary checked the time and discovered that it was after eleven . With work at seven the next morning , she decided it was more than time to go home . She rose , waved goodbye to the others , and left . Several bikers were parked near the side street as she drew near it . They were all large men , most with tattoos , and all of them wearing black leather vests embroidered with Harley - Davidson and other bike logos on the back . She hurried down the dark street , hoping that she didn 't look as nervous as she felt . Footsteps sounded behind her as she neared her car , and she turned to see John hurrying up behind her . With a wave of relief , she relaxed and waited for him to catch up . He pushed her against her car and roughly turned her around . She looked up in surprise as he grabbed at her wrists and forced her away from the car into an actual alley between two of the buildings . It began to dawn on her what he intended , and she screamed , only to have him clamp his hand across her mouth , muffling the sound . He shoved her up against the brick wall of one of the buildings and held her there by sheer force . Seconds later , he was roughly shoved away from her . She fell to the ground , seeing a huge shape bearing down on her attacker . John stumbled to his feet , and her savior punched him full in the face , knocking him out . The man then turned and looked to where she stood shrinking against the wall , too numb to move . It was one of the bikers . Mary nodded , and the biker stood guard over her assailant until the police arrived . To her surprise , they greeted the biker with warmly and took a statement from both him and Mary . His name , it turned out , was Sean , and he was the cousin of one of the officers who had arrived on the scene . Everyone treated Mary with a great deal of respect , and once she gave her statement and agreed that she would press charges , they gave her a card and told her to come into the station in the morning to make a formal statement . " I would like that . The Red Arrow is still open and is only a few blocks from here . Know where it is ? " At her nod , he added , " I 'll meet you there . " Mary drove over to the Arrow and found that Sean was already there , his bike parked near the entrance . Inside , they found a booth and for the next hour , Mary told Sean more about herself than she had to anyone in a long time . She told him about Nico and his gluten allergy , about her ex , about Margo 's failed attempt to save her from her fears , and about the safety scissors comment that had led to the near - disaster that night . The conversation faltered then . Mary paid the bill , and they walked out again into the chill spring air . Sean walked Mary to her car and turned to go as Mary got into her car and turned the key . The car was dead . Mary slipped out of bed and got dressed in the clothes she had laid out the night before . She quickly called the school , and then ran outside to greet Sean who had promised her a ride to the station . Her mother had offered to take Nico to school that day , and Mary had gratefully accepted . The big biker was on one knee in the driveway talking to her son with Corsi , tail wagging , next to them . They seemed to be having a conversation about toy cars , and Nico looked solemnly up at his mother , daring her to understand the serious topic of Matchboxes and Hot Wheels . When he had gone back inside to his grandmother , Mary accepted the spare helmet from Sean , and they drove back up to the Manchester Police Station . Mary reflected back over the previous night . It had been so terrible , but now , in front of her , there was something she had never looked for , something unconventional , but something real . Her fears melted away , and Mary returned Sean 's smile , tentatively at first , and then with more conviction . It 's been a busy last month . No time to get to writing , I 'm afraid , but that 's okay . I have a good memory for events . After her collapse , the doctors rushed around us , and I called Rob to come in and be with me from where he was sleeping in the car . They inserted a breathing tube , but would not let us in , and as soon as the ambulance arrived , they rushed her onto it , leaving us to toddle behind . It was now 2 : 30 in the morning . Driving into Boston at 2 : 45 am is like driving into the home of a sleepwalker . There is nobody around and the whole world looks asleep . We parked the car and walked up to the emergency room entrance . There were all of four people there , including the receptionist . We checked in and sat down , expecting a long wait until they were done doing whatever they needed to do . The television talked quietly to itself in the corner , and the people , all of whom seemed to work for the hospital and knew each other , chatted animatedly . About ten minutes into the wait , a nurse came and told us to follow her back . We were led , not the ER , but to a small room bearing the label " Family Consultation Room " or some such thing . It was a small room with tan couches , tan walls , tan carpet , and other very neutral tones . I looked at Rob with worry in my eyes , and said , " This is not going to be good . " He nodded in agreement , and we sat down to wait . A scant few minutes later , a young doctor came in and sat down with us . The news was fairly straightforward and horrifying . Two centimeters of blood had leaked into the area around her brain . The blood - brain barrier had been breached , and blood destroyed brain tissue . The compression on her brain combined with the blood was basically destroying everything my mother was and had ever been . They could operate . Cut her skull off , clean out the blood , patch her back together once the swelling went down . But she 'd never be the same . He said she would probably not remember us , not be able to walk or talk , not be able to feed herself . She would not , in a nutshell , be my mother the way I knew her . I remember reeling in shock from the idea , amazingly calm , but not really comprehending what he was saying . What was the alternative ? Take her off the breathing tube and let her pass on her own . She might go right away , or she might live a few more days . I had my marching orders from her . She had told me , and my cousins , and Rob , and her neighbors that if it came to it , life without full mobility and function was not life . We made the decision to let her go . Making the decision to let a parent die has to be the hardest decision ever . Making the three or four phone calls that followed was equally as hard . Calling people at 3 : 30 in the morning is never good news . Mary , Jen , James . Mary and Jen answered . James did not . I sent texts to him and Jilletta . Then we were led to the ER . It did not feel real . It 's been one year since mom passed . Or almost . I should say that it has been one year since mom fell and was sent to the hospital to die . That is a lot kinder , isn 't it ? Tuesday will be the one year anniversary . Just before 1 : 00 in the morning on the 29th of April , I lost my mother to a fall that took her life . A combination of too much cumadin and too little attention to details brought about the end of her life . None of us could have seen this coming . Falling down the stairs , yes . Falling over on the floor on her chest and bloodying her lip leading to a hemorrhage in her brain ? Not in a million years . She tripped rushing to answer the phone . Trying to rush between the walker and the secretary desk , she caught her foot on one of my dad 's toolboxes that had been there since he died five years before . She lost her balance and fell . When I called back a second time , she answered the phone and told me she had just fallen . I asked if she were okay , and she said yes . I asked if I should call into work and come down . She said no , but wanted to go take care of her lip . I was not to worry . So I didn 't . If you knew my mother , this was pretty typical . She and I had talked , fought , and grumbed at each other for the last few years since Dad passed away because we were who we had left . I had the kids and Rob , of course , and all of my friends , but as far as parent - child relations , we were it . I called her several times a day , had dealt with three prolonged hospital stays - one following Dad 's death and two for poor eating and a wound in her leg that would not heal - and tried to keep a close eye on her from afar while I ran my almost - endless errands and daily routines . During our conversations , she talked about the ' vampires ' who came almost daily to check her blood levels and monitor her cumadin levels . That morning , she said that the nurse had said that her blood was ' like water ' it was so thin . I wondered if her doctor , one ass - hat of a physician named Laddy , ever even thought about the high dosage of cumadin Mom was on or remembered that she was supposed to have been weaned off of it four months prior to the fall . I had come to trust my mother when she said she was alright , despite the fact that she had fallen down several of the old , treacherous stairs at the old house in Melrose and not told us until weeks later . She had actually told Rob before she told me , not wanting me to worry . She when she said that she was fine , I put it out of my mind and went o with my day . I had just come from tutoring and was on my way to teach a college class at Nashua Community . After that , I had to rush to my last class at Rivier with our beloved Writer 's of Americas class teacher who was retiring and moving to China to teach English . Profe ' was meeting us all at Margarita 's to have dinner as our last class . Mom was pushed to the back of my mind until 9 : 00 that night , eight hours after the fall . I am still beating myself up for not calling her sooner . It was not until I had dropped of an inebriated classmate that I thought to call Mom . When I did , she said that her chest still hurt and I told her , over protestations , that we would come down . I made it home by ten , got the dogs out to the bathroom , and Rob and I were in Melrose by 10 : 15 . She felt a bit dizzy and we got her to the car as quickly as we could , and to the hospital by 10 : 30 . She did say that her head hurt a little , but I dismissed that as a result of the fall . I figured that the xrays would tell us what was wrong quickly enough , and if nothing was wrong , I 'd be home in bed by 2 : 00 AM at the latest . Rob went out to nap in the car as we waited to hear the results of the xrays and CAT scan . The doctor finally came back in and told my mother that she had a slight bleed in her brain and that she was being transferred to Mass General ' as a precaution . ' I called Rob to come back in and settled down with Mom to wait for the ambulance . I am pretty sure that there was more than a little and it was more serious than it appeared . Either way , being told that panicked my hospital - phobic mother , and her blood pressure spiked . That was the beginning of the end . Over the next forty - five minutes , I watched my mother go through what I now know as the classic signs of a brain hemorrhage . She started to complain of an incredible headache , was nauseous , and became disoriented . One of the nurses chalked her reactions to being psychosomatic and I partially agreed . Until she became disoriented , that is . She was trying to put used tissues back into the tissue box . Her voice was slurred and her actions were hesitant . I took the tissues from her and threw them out . When I looked back at her , her face didn 't look quite right , sort of slumped . I asked her to smile at me , and she gave me one of her silly grins . Then the doctor came and asked me to step out while the same nurse who thought she might be over - reacting gave her something to calm her down . Less than two minutes later , she had collapsed and was unresponsive . What I discovered later when I went to wash the clothes she had worn that night was that they were soaked through with urine . Her bladder had let go when she collapsed . All voluntary functions had ceased . Does anyone remember the old commercial with Jerry Seinfeld ? He would watch someone pumping gas juuuusssst beyond the dollar mark , and say , ' Ah , the classic over - squeeze ! " It got so that every time I went over when pumping gas , I had that playing in my head . It drove me nuts ! I had a head gremlin constantly chanting that in my head - worse than an Earworm ! Finally , it dawned on me how to deal with it , and the next time it happened , I envisioned choking Jerry Seinfeld ( a la Bugs Bunny ) as he said the words . It worked . I would start to hear the words , and then hear a lovely gargling sound . After a few times of envisioning this , all I got was a slight gurgle . Sadly , to this day , I still get the gurgle sometimes , and when Rob pumped the gas Saturday , the old gremlin raised his ugly head . My giggling at the gurgle had to be explained then to Rob . I am still not sure if he thinks I am crazy or not . " You sick fuck . Tears ? Really ? OOOhhhh , you 're so upset , so hurt , that Will is moving in with me . Well , let me tell you this , buddy . Jilleta keeps asking me what the reasons Will is leaving are , and I can 't tell her because if I start to tell her , I am not going to stop . I am not going to stop until I run out of breath and scream and scream and scream . No one will stop me then . So in the interest of preserving civility , I won 't tell her to her face . " You have some nerve to cry after the way you 've treated Will . I know that you have also gone out of your way to call me names and vilify me , but buddy , there ain 't nothing I 've done that holds a candle to what you 've pulled on Will . Oh , I know I screwed up some , what with Craig and then with Rob . Craig was a mistake from the get go , but Rob was salvation . But I 'll tell you : neither of them ever laid a finger on me . Craig was a twisted mess in his own right ; his parents saw to that , just like yours . But Rob has been good in so many ways in which you failed . " Kindness , for one . Empathy . All the qualities you lack or have had driven out of you by Fran the manipulative and Att the drunk . Both of them are such sterling examples of people to live up to . Your father muttering about bastards under his breath in front of Justin so he could hear it , and your mother calling you a ' sicko ' when you finally got a new job and had to work over New Years to support your family . I know you have repressed that memory , but I heard echoes of that event in what Will has told me you called him over the last few days . " Sound like Fran calling you ' sicko ' all those years ago when you had to make a choice about your family 's security or kow towing to the almighty yearly pilgrimage ? You learned your lesson well . You were sick for days trying to tell your mother no . Will has been sick for days trying to talk to you . Maybe , just maybe , there is a pattern . " But what do I know ? I am just that no good slut who left you for another man and abandoned her kids . I am the one who had to deal with leaving , fight you for every chance to see them , work my way through grad school , become a teacher , move back to Salem , and get a job . I am the one who took you to court to fight for more time with my kids when you didn 't want to let me see them more . I am the one who held my tongue as you requested so as not to ruin your chances at a good relationship with Jilleta . And I am the one who had to put up with abuse from you both for years . " I have sought to have peace for years . And I get to be called liar , and slut . Rob gets to be called homewrecker . Rob saved my life , you ass . From you . " For years , I have fought with irrational fears when dealing with you . I have suffered from a form of PTSD from having my head slammed into cabinets , and my arms punched . I have recognized the symptoms on the back of the bathroom stalls in the women 's room at West Parish Church . Yes , you did threaten my pets , yes you did threaten me , yes you did call all of my friends losers . Yes , yes , yes . PTSD from abuse has a lot of symptoms . I recognized a lot of them . But I was crazy . I needed therapy . The idea of you going to a counselor was laughable . Nothing was wrong with you ! " You have the audacity to suggest that Will needs therapy ( which he might , because of you ) , and that he is autistic because he zones out on you and can 't recall what you are saying . Will is also suffering from abusive PTSD . He freezes when he talks to you because he has ceased to be able to answer for fear that no matter what he says , you will yell at him . He 's had that experience his whole life . It isn 't autism ; it 's self - preservation . He can 't recall what you or Jilleta have said because he is literally shutting down . I saw him do it this afternoon while talking . He could not talk about it . He literally stopped hearing me . Later , at dinner , he shook and could not stop shaking because his body was reacting to all of the adrenaline he was pumping . " I think you need to take a long look in the mirror . Your son loves you desperately , but because he decided to leave , as I did , you attacked him because it is all about you . It is going to take him years before he is able to fully cope with the fact that his father was part of an abusive cycle that probably went back before his grandfather . Abuse often begets abuse , but it DOESN ' T HAVE TO . I plan to instill that idea into Will 's brain before he becomes a parent . " Let me be VERY clear . If I hear ONE word from Rose that your treatment of her is less than sterling , I am going to report you . I have kept the peace for years , mostly out of respect of the children 's wishes , but somewhat out of fear . From here on out , however , I am going to act in the role of mandatory reporter as I am supposed to , and go after you . One word . You better keep your goddamned nose clean . " Honestly , I don 't care what you say about me . I know the truth . I know who I am , and I have friends and family who love me . I have colleagues who respect me . I am worth ten of you because I do not wound with words or threaten the people I love to get them to do what I want . And I don 't lash out at them because they don 't do what I want . I am not having temper tantrums and seeking to hurt someone else because of my own pain " Get some fucking counseling . You have three children who love you . One has already fled . If you don 't want them all to be driven away from you by your madness , get some help before you do something unredeemable . Rose and Quinn deserve better than to suffer from the mistakes your parents made and your inability to see when you need help . " That is all . I am spent . It is midnight and I am very tired now . I hope that somehow , the essence of this post reaches you . Don 't let the kids lose their Dad when you can do something to fix it . Are you fucking kidding me ? ? ? I have worked with your son for two years and you decide to end our agreement and tutoring , not with a phone call , not with a meeting , but with a fucking text message ? ? ? Who the hell do you think you are ? ? The background is this : I have been tutoring this wonderful kid for two years . When I first met him , he would not do anything . It was a constant struggle to get him to write , to do math , to read … he just gave up all the time . Over the course of the last two years , he has bloomed . I watched him go from a three sentence paragraph to five to six sentences and from one paragraph essays to three pagers comparing Shakespeare 's " Much Ado About Nothing " and " The Odyssey . " We discussed things along the way , but he did the writing . He is awesome . I am proud of him like you wouldn 't believe . Now , that is just English . never mind the fact that we went through Physical Science , Algebra , Geometry , Spanish 1 ( and almost all of Spanish 2 at the time of this writing ) , Digital Art , Digital Photography , Intro to Entreprenership , Like Management Skills ( Health ) , and Economics . We did English 2 , 3 , and most of 4 . We were almost done . Then I get a text on Tuesday while I am at orientation . The change in his schedule was going to be too hectic ( from 830 - 12 four times a week to 4 - 6 twice a week is too hectic ? ) and she had decided to pull him from the tutoring and teach him at home . Huh ? Now , to give you a perspective , here is the situation . When I was hired , I was told that I was going to be in charge of choosing his classes with him . I was given a copy of his transcripts , and told to figure things out . Then I was left alone with him for six weeks without VLACS and made to wing it . Six weeks to get this kid into VLACS . Seriously . I bit my tongue and came up with creative games to do with him . We survived the six weeks and got rolling . I chose classes based on the curriculum set by his high school , and we went along pretty well for a year and a half , although my repeated requests to speak to his guidance counselor went unheeded . Last December , however , I was suddenly told that I was not choosing the correct classes . His mother then took over the reins … but not really . Eventually , I got him enrolled in Intro to Entrepreneurship and his last English class without much of her help . I had waited four weeks by that point . We simply did what we had to do . So when the college thing happened , I found myself without a solid plan . I started trying to set up what I would do when this fall ( 2013 ) came . Then my mother died , and I was offered a job at Pelham very shortly after . I took it without much hesitation . I knew we were almost done , and we 'd be down to one class - English . One more month would do it twice a week . He 'd have to move one work day to the mornings . Dad was on board . I thought my student was on board . I never got a call back from Mom though . She never returned my calls . You can 't work with a kid for two years and not grow attached . I looked forward to talking with him , playing Nile Online , explaining poetry , fighting through Geometry together , complaining about the stupid mistakes on the website , and generally sharing thoughts and dreams with him . But not even a goodbye . I called Mom . She stated that this was a gift from God , to let him see that he can do the work himself , and this may be true . He is hitting the fourth section of the English . It is MacBeth and Byron heavy . It will be a difficult process to achieve . He will make it through or not . Mom said she had bought it on audio tape and had the movie all set for him . She said that she was going to take his fable of " Three Mice and a Rat " and make a little book out of it for him to show his kids when he gets older . She also said that they would have a big dinner when everything was done and that I would be invited since I had been such a big part of his success . I am not going to bank on it . I suspect , as others have , that she is jealous that he worked well for me and that she wanted her little boy back . He is everything to her , and I can understand how hard it is for people to let their little boy grow up . Will just got his car today , and it was nerve - wracking letting him drive away in the little green Honda he is so happy about . He 's growing up . But even though her son is her little boy , he has been my student for two years . I have come to care a great deal about him , and pulling the rug out from under a kid like that , yanking the carpet of support out from under him , especially when his girlfriend is leaving for college in a week , is not the right thing to do . Mom might well be glad to have her little boy all back to herself . I wonder how he feels , however . I did text him and we did chat over the phone , but there is one thing that I know he is thinking . My friend posted : " It is a beautiful day . So was yesterday and the day before that . I was on my long - board a moment ago . Cotton candy marshmallow clouds in a perfectly sky - blue sky . It smells like nature . It 's nice and it 's peaceful . TGIF . " My reply . " Mine would read . It is a beautiful day … except for the terrifying thunderstorm in Lowell this evening . Yesterday was better , but there was a funeral . Dark heavy clouds disbursing their burdens of gale - force winds and heat . It smells like ozone . I cringe under the bed . TGFIO ( thank god Friday is over . ) " My mom passed a lot sooner than we were expecting . Had I known that my last comment to her while she was awake for would be " Can you open your other eye , " I am sure that I would have chosen something different to say . Something like " I love you " or I will take care of Thomas ( her cat ) " , or even " Rob will take care of me , so don 't worry . " These were all things I told her in the hospital over the next few days , and I am sure that on some level she heard me . Over the last year or so , we had discussed what she wanted when the time came , something that I felt sure would be years in coming . I remember a surreal discussion on the day we discussed what kind of casket she wanted - cherry - and that was when she told me something that really surprised me . She said , " Don 't put any stuffed animals in the coffin with me . " Now I thought that she meant " Don 't embarrass me by doing anything silly , " but when I commented on what I thought she meant , she told me no , that was not what she had meant , but that she did not want any of her friends to be locked up alone in the dark for all eternity , never to see the light of day again . That was an eye opener because I had never thought of it that way , but could totally see what she was saying . I got it , and that day I understood my mother a little more . We didn 't always see so eye to eye . We had our arguments , and our disagreements , usually over stupid things like replacing the television that no longer showed anything with blue in it or how to use the microwave , something that she never got and she somehow lost the written instructions I left for her at least once . But we did agree on teaching and the importance of being a teacher . I know she was proud of me , as one of the last things she did that night in the hospital was to tell her nurse how happy she was that I was graduating with my master 's and teaching . The conversations about teaching were among the good times that we had . Those and , of course , anything about my kids . Dad 's death six years ago made us come closer together . She and I had never seen eye to eye about most things , but after Dad was gone , we pretty much had each other and my daily calls became a habit for both of us . Except for weekends , I would call her two to three times a day . I knew she was lonely , and I worried about her being alone in her house . Even now , I find that I keep reaching for the phone to tell her about the stupid detours in Boston or a myriad of other things that have gone on in the past few days . This has been one of the hardest things to accept about her passing . I can 't just call her and talk to her when I need to anymore . At the very end , mom managed to slip away when we were all momentarily distracted . She was as private in her leaving as she had ever been in life , and managed to pass when no one was looking . She was one never to cause a stir and I think that she waited until all of our attention was focused elsewhere to leave us . When we had first gotten to the hospital , my friend Jen suggested reading to her , and Rob brought a book from home that I had recommended for years that she read but she never go around to . This book , Watership Down , begins with the line " The primroses were over " and goes on to tell the story of a group of rabbits , led by one called Hazel , fleeing a doomed warren to find peace at last on the top of an English Down , or high hill . I had read some of it to Mom while we were in the hospital room , but had not had a chance to finish it . After Mom passed , Rob handed me the book , open to the last page , and I read the last passage aloud as I felt it was right to do so . I would like to share that passage with you now . " One chilly , blustery morning in March , I cannot tell exactly how many springs later , Hazel was dozing and waking in his burrow . He had spent a good deal of time there lately , for he felt the cold and could not seem to smell or run so well as in days gone by . He had been dreaming in a confused way - something about rain and elder bloom - when he woke to realize that there was a rabbit lying quietly beside him - no doubt some young buck who had come to ask his advice . The sentry in the run outside should not really have let him in without asking first . Never mind , thought Hazel . He raised his head and said , " Do you want to talk to me ? " " You 've been feeling tired , " said the stranger , " but I can do something about that . I 've come to ask whether you 'd care to join my Owsla . We shall be glad to have you and you 'll enjoy it . If you 're ready , we might go along now " . They went out past the young sentry , who paid the visitor no attention . The sun was shining and in spite of the cold there were a few bucks and does at silflay , keeping out of the wind as they nibbled the shoots of spring grass . It seemed to Hazel that he would not be needing his body any more , so he left it lying on the edge of the ditch , but stopped for a moment to watch his rabbits and to try to get used to the extraordinary feeling that strength and speed were flowing inexhaustibly out of him into their sleek young bodies and healthy senses . " You needn 't worry about them , " said his companion . " They 'll be all right - and thousands like them . If you 'll come along , I 'll show you what I mean . " The passage is about things coming full circle . Things end and things begin , following the cycle they are meant to . Mom 's life was a circle , bright from one end to the other . She has inspired so many lives through her teaching and her generosity , and I will miss her terribly . But it 's like the passage says : we 'll be all right . We 'll all take care of each other , and she can take her rest knowing that her family is safe from harm . This is the story of a family that had a lot of money . It had grown , like so many small industries around the turn of the 20th century , from a small factory with maybe 20 workers into a gigantic industry with a huge building and a great deal of people who worked in and around the region of Lawrence , MA . This is a story of the loss of that money , those jobs , and those livelihood because of a major change in the way industry was managed and run . It is a story of slow decline , of standards being upheld in a world that no longer valued them , and of the eventual decline of the people who were part of it . It is the story of my family . I came into this story well into the process of the decline , long after the business had moved to southern cities , and about six years after the time of the sixteen room house , the one my grandfather had commissioned to be built , had been sold . I knew nothing about the history for most of my life , catching only peripheral pieces of information such as mentions of the May Street well , the well that never went dry even in the most severe drought and which had the purest , cleanest water , or that my grandfather was in the mill industry . Very little was said about that time , and I wasn 't overly interested since my own life seemed to be chaotic enough with babies and divorce , going to grad school - twice - and then dealing with the death of my mother . The was when everything began to change , and it was only about three months ago that it really did . I had done some research before , mainly out of curiosity , but nothing overly taxing . When I found the photographs , however , everything changed . This blog will be a series of events , chronicling the search for who my family really was . The photos are a mystery as is my whole history . My mother never talked , and according to my cousins , neither did my uncle . Something happened at some point . My search for meaning has always been wrapped in fragments of a bygone era . Hints of great wealth abounded in my Nana and Grampy 's house - the Limoges dishes , the Waterford crystal goblets , the silver in the drawers wrapped with cellophane - that did not jive with the rest of the house . The enormous rocking horse , General , who lived down in the cellar . These are the things I knew , but which I could not place . Such was my heritage . So this is a the story of a family whose lives were defined by a society that is well beyond our kenning . We , my cousins and I , are the beneficiaries of this mystery and none of us have escaped the oddity of the whole situation . It is a story that will take a great deal of defining . I think , however , that it is a story worth telling . There are at least two people who were affected in ways that made them odd and awkward in regular society . Neither of them are with us any longer , but both of them have stories yet to tell . Photo of my mother , Barbara , and her dog Rusty . Photo of my uncle , Thomas , and his friend Steven . Both of these were taken at the house at 53 School St , in Andover MA . |
" Hey Jake ! " called Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the front porch . " What are you doing Jake ? " " Hi Midge , " greeted Jake . " What are you doing here so early ? It 's only 6 : 00 am . " " I know , " said Midge . " My mistress had to leave the house early today and I was just laying there by myself and decided to come see if you were awake yet . " " I am always up early in the morning , " said Jake . " I come out on the front porch around 5 : 30 am to enjoy the quiet of the morning . My mistress gets up at 5 : 30 am to get ready for work . " " Why does she get up so early ? " asked Midge . " My mistress doesn 't usually get up til 6 : 30 am and then she leaves the house at 7 : 30 . I thought your mistress left the house at 7 : 30 also . " " Hey Jake ! " called Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the porch . " Jake ! What are you doing today ? " " Hi Midge , " said Jake as he sat up . " I was watching the kids going to school this morning . They look funny . " " Why do you think they look funny today ? " asked Midge . " Have you seen them today ? " asked Jake . " No , I haven 't seen any this morning yet , " said Midge . " What are they doing ? " " No , it 's not what they are doing , " said Jake . " It 's what they are wearing . They aren 't right this morning . " " Jake ! " called Midge as she hurried up the sidewalk to the porch . " What are you doing this morning ? Are you sleeping again ? " " I was napping Midge , " said Jake . " Why ? " asked Midge . " Didn 't you just get up ? You should nap in the afternoon . " " Why should I wait until afternoon if I 'm sleepy in the morning ? " asked Jake . Midge skipped along the sidewalk while she sang a happy little tune . She hurried around the corner and through the gate at Jake 's house . She leaped up the steps to the porch where Jake was napping on the big lounge chair in the corner . " Hey Jake ! " sang Midge . " It 's time to wake up now . Your good friend Midge is here to see you . " " Hi Midge , " said Jake . " You are sure in a good mood this morning . " " I know , " said Midge . " Don 't you love it ? " " It 's great , " said Jake . " But you are always in a good mood but this morning you are even singing . What is up with you this morning ? " " Hey Jake ! " called Booker - T as he hurried into the yard and up to the porch where Jake was napping on the lounge chair . " What are you up to this morning Booker - T ? " asked Jake . " I was looking for Midge but she wasn 't at home and thought she was over here , " said Booker - T . " I haven 't seen her this morning yet , " said Jake . " I think this is her day to go to the vet . " " Oh , " said Booker - T . " Maybe that is where she is . " " Why were you looking for Midge ? " asked Jake . " Is everything all right ? " Read more » " Hey Jake ! " called Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the front porch . " What are you doing up there ? " " What does it look like I was doing ? " sang Jake . " Why are you singing what you say ? " " I 'm in a good mood , " said Midge . " Do you want to come to the house tonight ? " " Why ? " asked Jake . " What is going on at your house tonight ? " " You don 't want to come to the house ? " asked Midge . Read more » " Hey Jake , " sang Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the porch . " Where are you Jake ? I 'm coming up the sidewalk looking for you . " " Midge , " said Jake . " What in the world are you doing ? Why are you singing everything you say ? " " Because I 'm practicing to sing , " said Midge . " But why are you practicing to sing ? " asked Jake . " Why do you need to sing ? Dogs don 't sing . " " Why don 't they ? " asked Midge . " You hear me singing don 't you ? " Read more » " Hey Jake ! " called Midge as she hurried up the sidewalk to the front porch . " What are you doing this morning ? " " Hi Midge , " said Jake as he sat up . " I was taking a nap . " " A nap ? " asked Midge . " Why were you taking a nap ? Didn 't you just wake up this morning ? " " I got up about an hour ago , " said Jake . " But I was still sleepy . " " Wow , " said Midge . " Are you okay ? You don 't usually take a nap an hour after you wake up . " Read more » " Hey Midge ! " called Jake as he strolled up to the front porch where Midge was lounging on the big chair . " Hi Jake , " said Midge . " What are you doing this morning ? You are out really early today . " " I know , " said Jake . " My mistress got up early to meet some friends for a Labor Day picnic . " " Labor day , " said Midge . " What is Labor day ? I don 't remember hearing my mistress talk about that day . " " I don 't know , " said Jake . " Not sure why they call it labor day because I don 't think she labors on labor day . " " Then why do they call it Labor day ? " asked Midge . " Sounds like a day you will be doing some kind of labor doesn 't it ? " Read more » " Midge ! " called Jake as he hurried up the sidewalk to the front porch . " Where are you ? Are you sleeping up there ? " " Hi Jake , " said Midge . " No , I 'm not sleeping . What are you doing walking in the rain ? " " Is that why you didn 't come over to the house this morning ? It 's raining . " asked Jake . " I thought maybe you were sick so I walked over to see how you were doing ? " " It was raining really hard earlier Jake , " said Midge . " So I thought I would wait to see if the rain would lighten up before I walked over there . " Read more » " Hi Jake , " said Midge as she climbed the steps to the front porch where Jake was sitting in the lounge chair . " Hi Midge , " said Jake . " Where is Booker - T ? I thought he was coming with you this morning . " " I thought so too , " said Midge . " I went over to the house looking for him and when I walked up the sidewalk to the house , I saw him going down the street with a little girl . " " He was going for a walk with her ? " asked Jake . " Good morning Jake , " said Midge as she climbed the steps to the front porch where Jake was sitting in the lounge chair . " Hi Midge , " said Jake . " You are early today . I haven 't even eaten breakfast this morning . " " My mistress had to go somewhere with her aunt this morning so she gave me my breakfast early , " said Midge . " So after I ate it , I decided to come see if you were up yet . " " I 'm always up early , but I don 't eat til my mistress gets up and feeds me before she leaves for work , " said Jake . " She should be putting out my food in a few minutes . " Read more » " Hey Snappy ! Where are you ? " called Jake as he and Midge approached the pond in the middle of the park . " Hello Snappy . " " I don 't see him , " said Midge . " He never goes too far from here . " " Hey Snappy ! Are you here somewhere ? " called Jake again . " Hi Jake , " said Snappy as he came swimming to the shore from the other side of the pond . " Hi Midge . " " Hey Midge ! " called Jake and he came through the gate of the front yard . " Hello Midge . I 'm here now . " Jake hurried up the porch steps but Midge was not there . He looked around the front yard , but Midge wasn 't there either . " Midge ! " called Jake . " Hello Midge . Are you up yet ? " " Hi Jake , " said Midge as she came around the corner from the back yard . " I 'm in the back yard Jake . " " What are you doing back there ? " asked Jake . " I thought we were going to the park with Booker - T this morning . I waited for you to come over to the house , but you never showed up . So here I am . " Read more » " Hello Jake ! " sang Midge as she strolled through the gate to the front yard . " Hello Jake ! What are you doing . Howdy howdy . I 'm here . " " Hi Midge , " said Jake as he sat up . " What are you up to this morning that has you all cheery and singing ? " " I am feeling good this morning Jake , " sang Midge . " It 's a wonderful day today . The sun is shining , the wind is blowing and I am happy , happy , happy . " " I 'm glad you are happy , " said Jake . " Why are you so happy this morning ? " " Hey Midge ! " called Gabby . " What are you doing ? " " Hi Gabby , " said Midge . " I 'm just laying here enjoying the rain falling . Doesn 't it look great Gabby ? " " Yes , " said Gabby . " We sure have needed the rain . The bird bath at the park has been dried up for long time . " " I know , " said Midge . " I heard my mistress telling someone that things were really getting bad and we were sure needing rain . " " Yes we did , " said Gabby . " We have been in a drought and that isn 't good . " " A drought ? " asked Midge . " What is a drought ? I never heard that word before . " Read more » " Jake ! Jake ! " called Midge as she strolled around the corner and into the yard . " Hey Jake ! Where are you ? " Jake lifted his head , " Hi Midge . I 'm here , " said Jake . " What are you all excited about this morning ? " " What is a circus ? " asked Midge . " Why do you want to know what a circus is ? " asked Jake . " Are you going to join them ? " " Very funny Jake , " said Midge . " Why would I want to join the circus ? I don 't even know what a circus is . " Read more » " Midge ! Midge ! " called Jake as he turned into the front yard at Midge 's house . He hurried up the sidewalk and leaped onto the porch . Midge wasn 't there so he turned and ran down the steps and hurried to the back yard to find Midge . " Hey Midge , " called Jake . " Are you back here ? " " Hey Jake , " greeted Midge as he came into the back yard where he found Midge sitting near the back door . " What are you doing this morning ? " " I came to find you , " said Jake . " We are supposed to meet Booker - T at the park today . Did you forget ? " Read more » " Hello Jake , " said Midge as she came skipping up the sidewalk to the front porch . " Hello Jake . Where are you Jake ? " She leaped up the porch steps and found that Jake was no where . She looked around the front yard and didn 't see him anywhere . She sat in front of the door and called to him again . " Jake , where are you ? " " I 'm right here , " said Jake as he walked around the corner of the house . " You are early this morning Midge . " " I know , " said Midge . " My mistress left to take her aunt to the airport , so I came down here to see you after she left . " Read more » " Hey Midge ! " called Jake as he walked up the sidewalk to the front porch , but Midge wasn 't on the porch enjoying the sunshine . He went to the back yard to look for Midge back there , " Hey Midge ! Where are you ? Hello Midge ! " " Hi Jake , " said Midge . " How are you this morning Jake ? " " What are you doing this morning ? " asked Jake . " Why are you laying back here ? You are usually on the front porch soaking up the sun . Are you okay today ? " " Why ? " asked Jake . " She usually gives you good stuff . What is wrong with that food ? " " Taste this stuff , " said Midge . " The flavor is awful . " Jake went to the bowl and tasted the food in it . " Oh ! What is it ? " asked Jake . " I 've never tasted that flavor either . " " It 's terrible Jake , " said Midge . " I like the other flavor she gave me , but this one is really bad . I can 't eat it . I tired soaking it in my water and eating it , but that doesn 't help it . " " Will she know you don 't like it if you don 't eat it ? " asked Jake . " That 's not good if she won 't get something else til the bag is gone , " said Jake . " But if you don 't eat it , she won 't give it to you again . " " But I 'm hungry Jake , " said Midge . " What do I do ? I want something to eat . Will you help me get rid of this stuff so she will buy something better ? " " But if you just get rid of it , she will think you are eating it and buy some more , " said Jake . " That won 't work . She has to know that you don 't like the food . " " Oh Jake , " said Midge . " You are right . I didn 't think of that . Oh dear , what am I going to do ? I 'm so hungry and that food is too hard to even choke down . " " I still have food in my bowl from this morning , " said Jake . " I will share it with you if you want some . Maybe you can share my food until she gets something better and just leave your food in the bowl for her to throw away . " " Thank you Jake , " said Midge as she got up to go with Jake to his house . " You are such a good friend . " Won 't you get hungry if you don 't eat all your food every day ? " " It 's okay Midge , " said Jake . " I will share with you . I don 't think your mistress will let you go very long without food . " The two walked to Jake 's house where Midge shared his food , " I 'm so glad to have a good friend like you Jake . " " I am glad we are friends , Midge , " said Jake . Posted by Buffy was a small white Persian cat who lived up the street from Midge . She was on her front porch curled up on a soft cushion of the lawn chair as she watched the rain tapping on the porch railing . She wanted to play with Pokey , the black and white cat who roamed the neighborhood not really belonging to anyone . He was " the cat about town , " as he called himself . Buffy wsas intriqued by his carefree manner . She hadn 't seen Pokey this morning and thought that he was probably sleeping somewhere out of the rain , but she missed him just the same . Read more » " Jake ! Jake ! " screamed Midge as she ran up the sidewalk to the porch . " Jake ! Where are you ? " " Hey Midge , " called Jake from the back yard . " Why all the excitement ? What happened ? " Do you know what fireworks are ? " asked Midge . " Yeah , " said Jake . " I went to see some last year with my mistress . They are pretty when then go up in the air and have all the pretty colors . " " My mistress said they are going to have fireworks in the park , " said Midge . " Are you going to be there ? " " I don 't know , " said Jake . " My mistress hasn 't said anything about it to her friend . She usually takes her little niece and nephew . I hope she is going . I like the pretty fireworks . " Read more » Susie was a small black poodle puppy . ' She was no bigger than a minute , ' her mother would say . She was fiesty and always up to something as she ran around the big back yard . She loved to chase the butterflies and the squirrels as they came down from the trees to find something to eat . Her mother would sit on the porch watching her pups as they ran and played . Susie had two little brothers and a sister who liked to chase squirrels also . Susie ran to her mother , " Momma ! " said Susie . Read more » Susie loved to romp around the lush green grass chasing the butterflies who were brave enogh to land within her reach . She would crotch low and with one leg at a time , she would slowly and steadily inch her way toward the unsuspecting butterfly . Every step she took , she would pause for a moment and stare at the tiny creature and never once link an eye . She never took her eye off her little prey as she moved closer to the little butterfly . Then suddenly she would leap forward and pounce upon the butterfly with all fours . Carefully she would lift her paw to view her catch , only to discover once again , she had only caught the air . Read more » Billy was a tiny black and white goat who like to run and jump on things he could find around the field near the barn . Whe he wasn 't running and jumping , he was trying to butt head with the baby pigs . At times he would try to jump onto the back of one of the pigs , but the pig was too small to hold his weight and he would slide off . " Billy , you are so mean , " said Dixie , the little pink pig . " I 'm just having fun with you , " said Billy laughing at Dixie . " But you are so mean when you jump on my back , " said Dixie . " You are bigger than I am . " " You don 't like me to play with you ? " asked Billy . " No , not that way , " said Dixie . Billy lowered his head and sadly walked away to the other side of the barn . He felt so bad that his friend Dixie thought he was mean . He didn 't want Dixie to be mad at him . He liked her . She was the only one would play with him . All the other little pigs would poke him with their noses and get mad at him . He lay down in the corner and took a nap for a while . He flet alone without his friend Dixie to play with . After a couple of hours , he awoke to find he was all alone in the field by the barn . He looked around the aream but saw no one . " Boy , they must really be mad at me today , " thought Billy . " Hello , everyone ! " Where are you ? " called Billy as he walked around the field . There wasn 't a sound from anywhere . Billy felt so bad and so alone . " Hello ! Where is everyone ? " called Billy again . " I promise if you will come back , I won 't be mean any more . Please come back everyone . " But still he heard no one . he slowly crossed the field to the water trough to get a drink of water . Suddenly from out of the shadows of the barn , jumped the little pigs . They leaped on Billy and rolled him to the ground . Dixie jumped on top of Billy 's back . He was shaking when he finally pulled himself to his feet . " Why did you do that ? " asked Billy . " How did it feel , Billy ? " asked Dixie . " I didn 't like it , " said Billy . " You all scared me and and it hurt when you landed on my back . " " Now you know how we feel when you jump on our backs , " said Dixie . " Gee , I didn 't realize . I am sorry Dixie , " said Billy . " I promise I won 't do that again . Will you please forgive me ? " " I will , but you have to be nicer when we play , " said Dixie . Billy made a promise to Dixie and from then on he was more considerate of his playmates . Read more » " Hey Midge , I 'm right here so you don 't need to shout , " said Jake . " What is all the excitement about ? " " Have you seen Gabby today ? " asked Midge . " Not today , no , " said Jake . " What has Gabby done now ? " " Why do you want to know if he did anything ? " asked Midge . " It 's because every time you get all excited and looking for Gabby , he has usually done something wrong , " said Jake . Read more » Gypsy was a cute little gray kitten with bright yellow eyes that were crossed . She would always run into things when she tried to go around them . She would proudly pick herself up and continue on her way . She didn 't understand why she kept running into everything . She felt as if she were terribly clumsy . One bright sunny morning , the birds were singing high above and the smell of roses filled the warm air . Gypsy was sitting on the porch soaking up the morning sun . Across the yard , she saw her friends , Midge and Jake , enter the yard . Midge lived up the street from Gypsy and would come over to see her on the way to the park a couple mornings during the week . Read more » " Jake ! Jake ! " called Chachi as he slowly walked up the walkway to the porch . " What are you doing today ? " " Hi there Chachi , " greeted Jake . " Why are you looking so sad this morning ? Are you okay ? " " Not really , " answered Chachi . " Can I sit here for a while with you ? " " Sure Chachi , " said Jake . " You know you are always welcomed to come sit a while or come play with Midge and I . " " So , are you going to tell me what is bothering you ? " asked Jake . You look like you lost your best friend this morning . " Read more » Ginny was a long - haired sheep dog . She loved to run and play with Buster who was a large boxer . They could always be seen running and playing together in the large field behind the warehouses at the end of the street where Buster lived . They would chase after the rabbits and squirrels . One day , while they were playing , a big gray and white cat casually strolled into the field . " Hi there , " he said to Buster and Ginny . " What do you want ? " asked Buster . " My name is Simon , " said the cat . " Can I play with you ? You look like you are having a lot of fun . " " What ? " asked Ginny . " We play with you ? Why would we want to play with you ? " " Why not ? " asked Simon . " I would like to play with you . " Ginny and Buster looked at each other and thought for a moment . They both started laughing at Simon . " We don 't play with cats , " said Buster . " We are dogs . " Simon stared with a frown and said , " You two are prejudiced . " " What ! Us ! Prejudiced ! " shouted Ginny . " You are crazy . We aren 't prejudiced at all . " " Yes you are , " said Simon . " You won 't let me play with you because I am different than you are . That is being prejudiced . I want to play with you and I don 't care that you are different . " Ginny and Buster looked at each other and Ginny said , " Are we Prejudiced Buster ? " " I didn 't think we were , " said Buster . " But if Simon says we are because we won 't play with him , I guess we are . " " Oh Buster , " said Ginny . " We never let cats play with us . Oh no Buster , we are prejudiced . I didn 't know we were . " " I don 't want to be prejudiced Ginny , " said Buster . " Jake always tried to teach us that we should all be friends . I guess we never really listened to him . " " Maybe cats aren 't that bad , " said Ginny . " You know , Midge and Jake always play with Booker - T and he is a cat too and they are dogs . I guess if they can do it , we can . " " What ? " asked Simon as he stopped and turned to face the two dogs . " We are sorry , " said Ginny . " We didn 't realize that we were being prejudiced because you are different . We are sorry that we hurt your feelings . " " We don 't want to be that way to anyone , " said Buster . " We feel that everyone is the same really . Will you forgive us for being so stupid and come play with us ? " " Oh yes , " smiled Simon . " I would love to play with you . " " Susie ! Susie ! " called Tiger as he strutted through the fence gate . " Where are you ? " Susie burst through the pet door on the back of the house , " What is it Tiger ? " " Come on , lets go to the pond , " said Tiger . " Come on , come on . " " What for ? " asked Susie . " Why all the excitement ? " " Butch has gathered all the animals on the block to a meeting , " says Tiger . " He wants us to be there also . " " What is it this time ? " asked Susie . " Last time he was trying to gang up on the humans to get more bones for supper . Doesn 't he have anything better to do ? " Jake and Midge would take walks around the neighborhood once in a while before the sun came up . They enjoyed the quiet time of the morning . This morning it was cool and the clouds were gathering slowly above them as they started their walk . They had walked about a block when they neared the large white brick house at the end of the street . The yard was closed in with a white picket fence . Along the front of the house were beautiful pink , white and red roses . On the front porch was an angry young woman who was screaming at a small brown puppy who was laying on the sidewalk near the steps . Jake and Midge stood near the fence and watched in horror at the anger this person had toward the puppy . Finally she went back into the house and slammed the door behind her . Read more » Jessie was a cute little schnauzer puppy . He was running after a bright red ball that his master , Billy was throwing for him . He was running and jumping , so full of energy . " Billy ! " called a soft female voice . " Billy ! Come on in here and eat your lunch . " " I have to go in the house now , " said Billy . " I will come back out and play with you when I finish my lunch . " Jessie sat and tipped his head to the side as he listened to Billy talk to him . He looked sad as Billy entered the house . Jessie climbed the back steps and lay down on the porch waiting for his little friend to return to play some more ball with him . Read more » Bimbie was a tiny white puppy who loved to sit and tease Charlie , the green parrot , but she didn 't like it so much when Charlie laughed and teased her . Charlie would sit on his perch and call to Bimbie and the laugh at her . " Bimbie ! Bimbie ! " called Charlie . " Ha ha ha . Bimbie looks funny ! " " Shut up Charlie , " said Bimbie . " You are all the time talking . You are all the time bothering me . " Read more » Tippy and Kiki decided one morning to wander off on their own little adventure . They had gotten bored with what they were doing in the yard and wanted to find something more exciting to do . Tippy wanted to know what was out beyond the big wooden fence that surrounded the yard . " KiKi , " said Tippy . " Why don 't we go out and find something exciting to do out there . " " What did you have in mind ? " asked KiKi . " Show me the mountains , " said Tippy . " I heard Jimmy 's mother and dad talking about them . I really want to see them . " Read more » Allie was a white Persian kitten who lived with a boy named Joshua three houses up from Midge . Allie decided she wanted to see the great big world instead of staying in the cozy back yard of her master . She set out alone and sauntered up the road looking at everything along the way . But Allie didn 't pay any attention to where she was going and before long , she saw that she was lost and didn 't know which way to go . She made several turns but just couldn 't figure out the right way to get back home . She found a large rock beneath a tall tree and sat down to cry . She really wanted to go home , but she had gotten herself lost . " Oh , why did I leave the yard ? " thought Allie . " I will never find my way home now . I 'm so scared . " Biff was a little black and white kitten . She lived in a big brown house with a little girl named Mary . Biff would lay on the bed with Mary while she watched the shows on TV . Biff especially liked the animal shows . There were so many animals that it was hard for him to imagine them all . After a couple of hours , Mary let Biff out into the back yard so he could run and play . When Mary shut the door , Penny and Booker - T ran into the yard to play with Biff . " Hi ya , Biff , " said Penny and they approached Biff . " Hi Penny , " said Biff . " Hi Booker - T . What are you two doing this morning ? " Read more » Tippy was a cute little Chihuahua puppy who liked to run around the back yard and play with his friend KiKi . KiKi was a chipmunk who lived behind the garage . Tippy ran into KiKi one morning when he was running from his master while he was playing . " Tippy ! Tippy ! " called KiKi as he came running around the garage . " Where are you ? " " Hi KiKi ! " shouted Tippy as he jumped off the back porch and went running across the yard to where KiKi stood near the garage . Read more » Chachi used to be a big bully when he moved into the neighborhood up the street from Jake . Then one day , Midge put up with him for the last time . She went to Jake and asked him for his help to put a stop to Chachi and his bullying . " Jake , " called Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the front porch . " Hey Midge , " said Jake . " What brings you over here this late in the day ? " Mitzie just finished her bath and her mistress clipped her and put tiny pink bows behind each ear . She pranced around the yard showing off her pretty new bows to Jake and Midge when Booker - T walked up and joined them . She was so proud of her pretty pink bows and her clean smelling curls . She batted her big brown eyes at Booker - T trying to get his attention . But he wasn 't paying much attention to her . He had sat down on the porch swing . She huffed and stomped her feet , but still Booker - T didn 't seem interested in what she was doing . " What could be so interesting to him that he doesn 't even notice me ? " thought Mitzie . " He has never completely ignored me before . " Read more » " Slow down Midge , " said Jake . " What is all the excitement about this morning ? " " We are going on vacation , " said Midge . " I am actually going to take a trip Jake . " " Who is going on vacation ? " asked Jake already starting to feel like Midge was leaving him all alone . Read more » " Hello Chachi ! " called Jake as he and Midge ran into the back yard of the green and white house on the corner of Elm and Sycamore Road . " Hey ! What are you doing ? " Susie followed Midge and Jake to the park to play with Snappy . As they approached the pond , Susie took off running to the edge of the pond . She stood staring into the water . " What are you looking for Susie ? " asked Midge . " Fish , " said Susie . " I know I have seen fish in here before . I want to catch a fish " Molly was a cute little beige and white kitten . She was frolicking around the yard with her friend , Chi Chi . Chi Chi was a small black and tan Chihuahua who lived next door to Jake . They were chasing each other and rolling around in the soft grass . Molly looked up and saw the sun was beginning to sink lower and lower from the sky and she quickly ran and huddled next to the big oak tree near the house . " What 's the matter Molly ? " asked Chi Chi . " Why are you hiding between the house and that tree ? " Sissy was walking through the garden with her head high . Near the garden pond sat Pepper . He was a large muscular looking cat . Sissy strolled slowly up to the pond and then sat beside Pepper who was swishing his paw around in the pond . " What are you doing ? " asked Sissy . " What does it look like I 'm doing ? " asked Pepper . Read more » Willie was a little brown bunny . Every day he would hop and play around the bushes near his house . He loved to sit and listen to the music of the birds as they sang high in the trees . ' They sing real pretty , ' thought Willie . ' I sure wish I could sing a pretty tune like they do . ' One day as he sat staring at the trees and listening to the birds sing their pretty songs , a small tear rolled down his cheek . Booker - T came around the corner and found him staring at the trees . He sat down beside Willie . " What is wrong this morning Willie ? " asked Booker - T . " You look sad today . " Read more » Minnie and Polly were little beige and white twin poodles . Cindy was their mother , a golden champagne colored poodle . She is friends with Midge and Jake . Cindy was sitting on the porch watching her two little ones chasing after each other across the big back yard where they lived with Cindy 's mistress . They were yelping and leaping on top of each other as they rolled around in the soft grass . Cindy got tired just watching them running around with all their energy . She went inside through the doggie door to get some water and lie down on the soft rug near the door where she could keep an eye her two little ones . Before she knew it , she had drifted off to sleep . She didn 't realize how long she had slept when she awoke . She could hear the two still yelping at each other . When she went outside to check on them , she found paper torn up all over the back yard . The clothes were pulled down from the line and their toys were all over the yard . Read more » Sissy was a black Persian cat who lived in the big white house on Vickery Hill road . The yard was filled with huge oak trees and a colorful array of flowers placed around the yard of deep green grass . A warm breeze blew across the porch ringing the chimes that hung along the front of the porch . She lay curled up on the porch in the sunshine that shone through the trees . She raised her head and saw Jake and Midge coming up the walkway . " Hi Sissy , " called Midge . " What are you doing this morning ? " " Hi Midge , " said Sissy . " Hi Jake . What are you two doing this morning ? " Read more » Andy waddled out onto the back porch into the glistening sunlight of the early morning . Andy 's little brothers and sisters were all asleep snuggled closed to their mother just inside the back door . Andy liked to investigate his great big new world outside . He had been checking everything out in the back yard . He didn 't want to miss a thing . As the birds sang high above in the trees , he sat tilting his head from one side to the other trying to figure them out . Mitzie was asleep on the back porch swing in the warm morning sun . The birds sang their pretty songs high above her in the trees and a small brown squirrel scampered around the back yard gathering nuts and burying them under the big oak tree by the fence . Mitzie heard a noise as the squirrel ran across the porch dropping a nut as he passed under the swing . Mitzie raised her head as the squirrel jumped from the porch and ran to the tree . Mitzie leaped up from the swing and darted across the yard after the squirrel . The little squirrel quickly ran up the tree and sat on the lower branch looking down at Mitzie . Read more » " Midge ! Midge ! " called Jake as he approached the house . " Where are you and what are you doing ? " Midge poked her head out around the corner of the house and called out to Jake . " I 'm back here in the back yard Jake . Come on back . " " What are you doing back there ? " asked Jake . " I 'm waiting on my mistress to bring me some dessert , " answered Midge . " Dessert ? You get Dessert ? " asked Jake as he raised his eyebrows at her . Read more » " Hi there Jake , " called Booker - T as he wandered up the sidewalk to the front porch . " Where is Midge this morning ? " " She hasn 't gotten over here yet , " said Jake . " We are going to the park when she gets here . Do you want to go with us ? " " Sure , " said Booker - T . " I always like going to the park with you guys . " " Jake ! Jake ! " called Midge as she came running around the corner and up the sidewalk to the porch . She stumbled up the porch steps and plopped down in the chair next to Jake . " It is nothing but chaos . That is all it is , Chaos ! " spouted Midge . " What in the world are you talking about ? " asked Jake . " Jake ! Jake ! Where are you ? " called Midge as she rounded the corner and ran through the gate and up the sidewalk to the porch . Jake came running around the corner of the house from the backyard . " What is all the excitement Midge ? " Jake rounded the corner and wandered up the sidewalk to the front porch where he found Midge stretched out on the lounge chair . Her little head propped up on the bit pillow that was at the end of the lounge . He slowly tiptoed up the front steps so he would wake her up . He stopped at the top of the steps when he heard Midge making funny noises . He leaned forward and perked up his ears to listen . " Hummmmm . Ooooooh . Hummmmm , " were the sounds coming from Midge . Read more » Booker - T sauntered up the sidewalk whistling a little tune . He stumbled on something laying across the sidewalk . Bending over , he picked up something that looked to be old and scrapped up . He picked it up and continued on his way to Jake 's place . " Hey there Booker - T , " said Jake as he turned the corner at the fence gate . " What are you carrying with you ? " " I don 't know , " said Booker - T . " I found it on the sidewalk around the corner over there . " " Jake ! Jake ! Where are you ? " screamed Midge as she ran up the sidewalk tripping on the bottom step as she started up to the porch , " Jake ! Where are you ? Come out , come out wherever you are . " " It 's a catastrophe ! That 's it a catastrophe ! " said Midge as she paced back and forth across the porch . " What are you talking about ? " said Jake trying to calm her down . " Oh , it is absolutely awfu1 ! Just awful I 'm telling you ! " said Midge as she continured to pace back and forth . Jake reached out and grabbed Midge by the collar and sat her down in front of him . " Now ! What is so awful and such a catastrophe ? You are wearing me out with your pacing back and forth . " Read more » Jake and Midge strolled along the sidewalk and turned into the yard and Jake barely got up the steps to the porch when he plopped down on the old chair . " Do you want to play with Booker - T at the sandbox today ? " asked Midge . " He should be over in about an hour Jake . " " Where do you get all your energy ? " asked Jake . " I 'm so tired trying to keep up with you and running with Butch part of the time , really finished me off . " Read more » " Hi there Midge , " said Jake as he slowly raised his head . " Want to join me in this spot here ? The sun feels so good this morning . " " Are you going to the park today ? " asked Midge . " I sure am , " said Jake . " I 'm waiting on Booker - T and Gabby . They are supposed to be coming along with us today . " " Sure , " said Midge . " I was waiting for my mistress to leave for her job . You know I am always ready to go play in the park . " Midge and Jake walked to the park looking for Snappy . " Hey Snappy ! " called Midge as they approached the pond . " Where are you hiding Snappy ? " " I 'll bet he is on the other side of the pond under the shade tree over there , " said Jake . " Come on , lets run over there and check to see if he is there . " " Sure , " said Midge and took off running , leaving Jake trailing behind . " Hey Midge ! Slow down , " said Snappy as he poked his head up from beneath the water . " What is the big hurry ? " " Hey Midge ! " called Jake as he ran up the sidewalk to her front porch . Midge was laying on the chair beside the front door soaking up the sun and slowly raised her head when Jake approached . " Hi Jake , " replied Midge . " What are you doing this morning ? " asked Jake . " I missed you . I thought we were going to the park this morning to play with Booker - T and Snappy , but you never came to my house like you usually do . " Read more » She sat staring at the door and heard no one opening the door . She looked up and down the street but Jake wasn 't walking along the sidewalk either . " Jake ! " called Midge again . " Jake ! I 'm here ! Where are you Jake ? " Jake and Midge walked across the street to the park and raced across the grass to the pond . " Snappy ! " called Midge as they neared the edge of the pond . Snappy poked his little head around the corner of the tree and smiled at them . " What are you doing ? " " I know it , " said Midge . " It is going to be a really cold winter though , " said Midge . " And you are who ? " laughed Jake . " The local weather dog ? " " That is my prediction today , " said Midge . " It is going to be a cold winter this year . " Read more » " Hey Jake ! " shouted Booker - T as he strolled up the walkway to the front porch of the house where Jake lived . " Hi there Booker - T , " replied Jake . " What are you up to this cool morning . " " Not much Jake ole buddy , " said Booker - T . " Just out messing around . My friend Butch went to the vet with his master . " " We all have to go there once in a while , " said Jake . " It isn 't a big deal . " " Come on now Booker - T , haven 't you ever gotten sick or needed your yearly shots ? " asked Midge as she strolled up the sidewalk to the porch . " I heard you telling Jake you are so perfect . " " That 's right Midge . I never get sick , " said Booker - T . " I 'll bet your new mistress will take you and get your shots soon , " said Jake . " Not me Midge , " said Booker - T . " I stay healthy all the time . I am careful with what I do and where I go . " " Just wait Booker - T , " said Jake . " I 'll bet you will go to the vet soon . " " No , " said Booker - T . " She won 't take me . " " Oh , that 's right , you are so perfect , " said Jake . " Oh wow ! " said Midge . " I didn 't know you were that perfect . That is amazing Booker - T . You the perfect cat . " " You have it right , Midge , " said Booker - T . " I 'm the perfect cat and my mistress knows it so she won 't be taking me to the vet . " A big blue car pulled up in front of the house . " Isn 't that your mistress Booker - T ? " asked Midge . " Yes , " said Booker - T . " I wonder what she is doing here . She must be needing me to go home now . " " Booker - T ! " called a voice from the car . " Come on Booker - T . Lets go . " Booker - T ran for the car and when his mistress opened the door to let him jump in the car , Midge and Jake heard her say , " Lets go Booker - T . We have an appt with the vet for your shots this morning . " The door to the car closed behind Booker - T and Midge and Jake saw him with his nose pressed up against the window shaking his head at them and trying to tell them he needed their help to break him out of the car . Midge and Jake just waved good - bye as the car drove away . " Jake ! Jake ! " shouted Midge as she raced up the sidewalk and through the gate to the front yard . She raced up the steps to the porch and slid into Jake who was lying in the sun . " Slow down Midge , " said Jake . " What are you shouting about and why are you in a hurry ? " " Jake ! Jake ! " called Midge as she ran along the sidewalk and slid into the fence as she attempted to go around the corner and through the gate . " What is wrong with you Midge ? " shouted Jake . " Slow down before you hurt yourself . You look like the demons are after you . " Midge took three deep breaths and then started to rattle on about what she saw on the corner near her house . " Oh , Jake , you should have seen it . It was so great . I 've never seen anything like it before . You won 't believe it Jake . You just won 't believe it . " Jake and Midge were lying on the porch soaking up the morning sun . A cool breeze blew gently through the trees and fluffy white clouds slowly drifted across the blue sky . The mornings were quiet since school started and the kids weren 't running around the neighborhood playing ball anymore . " It sure is quiet , " remarked Midge . " Isn 't it nice ? " asked Jake . " I love the quiet mornings . " " Yes it is nice . I was really getting anxious for school to start so I didn 't have to listen to all the screaming kids anymore for a while , " said Midge . " The little boy next door was really getting on my nerves . " Read more » " Hi Midge . What are you up to so bright and early this morning ? " asked jake . " You usually don 't get over here until later in the morning . " Booker - T sauntered up the sidewalk to the front porch looking like a proud peacock , " Hey you guys ! " " Hi Booker - T , " said Jake . " Aren 't you looking all proud this morning . You are looking so happy . " " Hey Jake ! " called Midge again . When she stepped onto the porch , she saw Jake sleeping so sound and the legs were moving . " Hey Jake ! " Jake jerked awake and jumped up . " Midge ! Wow you scared me . " Read more » " Hey you two ! What are you up to ? " called Booker - T as he came bouncing around the corner and sauntered up the sidewalk to the front porch . " We are just laying here in the nice sunshine . I has rained for so long that it is nice to just lay here and soak up some sun , " answered Jake . " What are you doing this morning ? " asked Midge . " What do you need help with ? " asked Jake . " I can 't imagine you needing help for anything . " " Not you Booker - T . The cat about town needs help , " said Midge . " What could possibly be the problem that you need help with ? " " Well , you always seem to know a lot of things because you listen to your mistress talking , " said Booker - T . " And I haven 't had a home with humans for very long so I don 't know as much . " " Being with humans or not , what could I possibly help you with that you don 't already know ? " asked Jake . " Oh , hi Jake , " said Midge . " I am just fine . " " You don 't look fine , " said Jake . " I have never seen you acing so weird before . Why are you so jumpy ? " " Jake ! " called Midge as she came strolling up the sidewalk to the front porch where she found Jake laying in the sun . " Hi Midge , " said Jake . " What are you doing this morning ? " " What are you talking about ? " asked Jake . " There is no ghost in the house over there . " " How do you know that Jake ? " asked Booker - T . Read more » Booker - T wanted to enter the big brown building next to Sadie 's Café . The windows had been boarded up about a week now and Booker - T figured he might find some mice in the place . All he could think about was chasing them and catching a nice big gray mouse for dinner . The thought pulled him closer and closer to the scary looking place . It looked so deserted and dark and he had heard the kids in the neighborhood talking about how the place was haunted . He wanted to go in , but was afraid of running into a ghost . He sure didn 't want to run into one of those spooky creatures . No , not Booker - T . He was a big chicken when it came to those things . " Hey there Booker - T ! " called Jake as he and Midge walked up . " What are you two up to this morning ? " asked Booker - T . " We thought we would take a walk and wander over this way . You have talked so much about this haunted house over here and we wanted to see it . It doesn 't look like it is haunted , " said Midge . " How can you tell that from here ? " asked Booker - T . " Well , it just doesn 't look scary from here . Do you want to go in ? " asked Jake . " I don 't know , " answered Booker - T . " I keep looking at it and pacing back and forth trying to get the courage up to go into the place . Do you want to go in with me ? " " Not really , " answered Midge staring at the house as if she was waiting for something to move . " Are you scared ? " asked Booker - T . " No , I 'm not scared , " said Midge " No , I 'm not sure , " said Midge . " But you know Booker - T . If I don 't go in with him , I will never hear the end of it . He will call me scaredy cat for the rest of my life . " " Yeah , but don 't you think it is dangerous going in there ? " asked Jake . " We don 't know what dangers lurk behind those boarded windows . " " Oh , come on you two , " said Booker - T . " We will be safe if we stay together in there . " The three inched closer and closer to the steps of the house . Slowly they climbed the four steps to the door as their breathing got deeper and faster . They each could feel their hearts beating inside . A lump formed in their throats as they reached for the door . With paws shaking , Jake pushed the door open . It was dark inside and they could barely see into the darkness . " Come on , lets go in , " said Booker - T . They hesitated at the door a moment and then stepped into the dark room . At the end of the hall , they could see a faint light from under a door . They slowly moved to the center of the room , staying close to each other . They were so close to each other , that they could feel the beating of each other 's heart . Inch by inch they crossed the room . " Something smells awful in here Jake , " said Midge . " I know it . I wonder what it is ? " asked Jake . Booker - T walked to the hall and started toward the door at the end of the hall where the light was coming from . " It stinks down there Booker - T . Are you sure you want to go down there ? " asked Midge . He ignored the smell and Midge 's talking . But once he got down the hall , he was ankle - deep in yucky green goo , so he began to rethink his desire to know what was behind the closed door . He ran back to where Jake and Midge stood waiting for him . " Don 't you want to go in with me ? " asked Booker - T . " No ! " said Jake and Midge in unison . " We are fine right here . What is that green goo all over your legs ? " " I don 't know . It is sticky too , " said Booker - T as he stood there shaking each paw one at a time . Suddenly a howling noise was heard from behind the closed door and the three ran for the front door so fast that they were stumbling over each other trying to be first out the door . At the sidewalk , they turned to stare at the house . " Yep , it 's haunted , " said Booker - T . " I think you are right , " said Midge . " Lets get out of here . " " What are you talking about ? " asked Jake . " Where in the world did you face death and when ? " " I was at the park . Death often slips into one 's life like a thief or crashes into it like a drunk , but never did it walk in the door and shake one 's hand , until today , " said Booker - T . " What are you ranting about ? " asked Jake . " When did death shake your paw ? " " This morning ! This morning Jake ! " screamed Booker - T . " Are you not listening to me ? Right before I came over here . It was there . It was big as life in front of me . " " Hey you guys , " called Midge . " What is wrong with Booker - T ? " " He is losing it , " said Jake . " Something about shaking the hand of death . I can 't make any sense of what he is ranting about . " " Booker - T , are you okay ? " asked Midge . " Why don 't you sit down and I 'll get some water and you tell me all about it . " " I 'm okay , just a bit rattled , " said Booker - T . " Have you ever shook the hand of death before ? No , don 't answer that . You probably haven 't . I shook the hand of death this morning . He walked right up to me and grabbed me around the collar and yanked me down on the rear end . " " You were probably dreaming Booker - T , " said Midge . " Death wouldn 't walk up and grab you by the collar and set you down . " " Jake , come over here , " said Midge nudging him to come aside with her away from Booker - T where he couldn 't hear her . " What are we going to do with him Midge ? " asked Jake . " He really seems rattled by whatever it was that happened in the park . Do you think that Gabby might know ? He is always around in the trees somewhere hanging out . " " What are you two doing over there ? " asked Booker - T . " Aren 't you the least bit worried that my time might be up soon ? I probably don 't have much time left on this earth and you are over there whispering . Death will be coming for me soon . I just know it . " " Will you calm down Booker - T , " said Midge . " No one is coming after you soon ! Now settle down and take a deep breath and then tell us what you saw . " " Well , I left the house and wandered to the park like I do almost every morning , " stated Booker - T . " The park was quiet and I walked over to the pond looking for Snappy . He usually tries to help me catch a fish in the morning for my breakfast . I was sitting by the pond waiting for him when in the water , that is where I saw it . It was really big ! " Midge leaned closer to Booker - T . " What was really big ? " " Him ! Death ! The one who took my hand , " said Booker - T Shaking . " You saw his reflection in the water ? " asked Jake . " That 's where I saw him . He was scary with the hollow face with the black eyes and the big cape over his head . Black cape and carrying some kind of weird thing that looked like a big curved knife . I just knew he was going to get me and drag me dead away , " said booker - T . From above the house , Jake could hear someone laughing . Suddenly Gabby appeared and came rolling off the roof and hit the ground in front of the porch . He was rolling around laughing so hard that he caught the hiccups . " Booker - T has been feeding you a line . He was really laying it on and you were really starting to believe him . I can 't believe he got you back big time and you fell for it Midge , " laughed Gabby . " You are mean , Booker - T . You scared me ! " screamed Midge as she kicked him in the rear and booted him off the porch into the rose bush . " Ouch ! " screamed Booker - T rubbing his rear end . Jake and Gabby laughed at Booker - T sitting in the rose bush rubbing his rear end . Posted by " Jake ! Jake ! " screamed Eric as he ran up the sidewalk and skidded in the puddle , and slid into the tree . " Eric , what in the world are you doing ? " asked Jake . " Trying to kill yourself ? " " Oh , no ! I might be dead , I might be dead ! " said Eric . " What are you talking about ? You aren 't dead , " said Jake . " I can see you . " " I might be . How do you know for sure ? " asked Eric . " Do you really know that I 'm not dead ? " asked Eric " I don 't know . Not sure , " said Jake . " It was on when I came out here . " " Why did your mistress put the TV out here ? " asked Midge . Jake walked over to see what Midge was doing this morning . He was up early and thought he would go to her place this time . He found her rolling in the grass laughing . " What are you laughing about Midge ? " asked Jake as he approached her . " Oh , Jake , it is just too funny . Too funny , " said Midge . " What is so funny ? " asked Jake . " It must be really good . " " Oh it is . You just wouldn 't believe it , " said Midge . " Do you remember Jim and Shirley ? " Read more » " Hey Jake ! " called Booker - T as he rounded the corner of the house . " What are you doing this morning ? " asked Jake . " I was out chasing down mice again . Found a couple out by the old wood pile behind the garage , " answered Booker - T . " Did you get them ? " asked Jake . " Heavenly shades of night are falling , it 's twilight time . Out of the mist your voice is calling , it 's twilight time , " sang Midge as she danced across the front porch . " When purple colored curtains mark the end of the day , I hear you my dear at twilight time . " " What are you singing Midge ? " asked Jake as he approached the porch . " Jake ! Midge ! " called Booker - T as he turned the corner and ran up the sidewalk to the front porch where he found Midge and Jake napping . " Wake up you two ! " " What is going on Booker - T ? " asked Jake . " Hi Booker - T , " said Midge . " Where are you going ? " " I 'm on my way to the park to do some hunting , " said Booker - T . " You know me , Booker - T the hunter . " Lindsey was a little poodle that lived on the big street on the other side of the park from Jake and Midge . She moved in with her master a week earlier , so she was new to the neighborhood . She would sit on the big swing on her front porch and watch all the kids playing in the park and the cars going back and forth on the street . She looked a little sad as she watched the world going by . She didn 't know anyone in the area yet . Jake and Midge were at the pond chasing fish with snappy when Gabby flew down and started chirping at them and jumping up and down on the lower limb of the oak tree . " Gabby , what is your problem this morning ? " asked Snappy . Midge strolled up the sidewalk to Jake 's place and found him sitting on the porch watching the neighborhood boys who were sitting at a table that his mistress had set up on the porch . " Hey Jake , what are you doing ? " asked Midge as she climbed the steps and sat next to Jake . " Hi Midge , " said Jake . " I 'm watching them put together a puzzle . " " What is a puzzle ? " asked Midge . " I 've never heard of a puzzle before . " Read more » Midge ran down the sidewalk as she headed to Jake 's so they could take their morning stroll through he park with Snappy . She got to the front gate of the house and it was shut and locked . ' This is unusal , ' thought Midge . ' Jake always is home waiting for me to come by so we can go to the park . ' " Jake ! " called Midge from the sidewalk . " Oh Jake ! I 'm here . Where are you ? " Read more » Midge came strolling along the sidewalk and passed by the open gate to Jake 's front yard . She noticed Jake laying on the porch but didn 't say a word to him as she passed the gate . She walked to the next house and then turned and strolled back past the open gate . Again she didn 't glance his way . " Oh , hi Jake , " said Midge as she came through the gate and slowly sauntered up the walkway to the front porch . " I didn 't see you laying up there . " Read more » Greetings to everyone . . . Welcome to my Blog of Children 's stories . . . I hope I have made you smile with one of the stories . If you enjoy the stories , please share them family and friends and on facebook . Feel free to leave a comment at any time or send me email message . I will post new story every week for your enjoyment . Have a really good day Thank you for your interest in my stories . Contact Form |
February 2 , 2009 I have decided to make the move and go over to Blogspot . I tried working with wordpress and changing it 's look a little , but I 'm just bored here . My new blog is at http : / / jespanther . blogspot . com / Hope everyone finds it and enjoys the new site . January 26 , 2009 Today has been a very , very long day . Last night my son was coughing really bad and his right ear was leaking a yellowish fluid from it . He woke up twice in the night having terrible coughing fits . We finally got him to take some Children 's Tylenol and he slept better the rest of the night . However , my wife & I could not sleep well at all . She tried and was able to get a few hours sleep , but I never even tried . I was up all night long . At 6 : 30am this morning Joshua woke up screaming and crying at the top of his lungs and nothing I did seemed to work to calm him down . He finally calmed down when he saw Mommy come into his room . But he was not all better , just calm . He was still having coughing fits and his breathing was really labored . We called his doctor 's office and told them what was going on and got an 8 : 30am appointment . Now it gets better . Before we could leave the house Joshua suddenly spits up all over Susan . It was more like he brought up a huge amount of phlem . What made matters worse though was that this caused Susan to get scared and panicked . So , she also got sick and threw up . I 'm glad I didn 't do it too cause as we were leaving the house I started to cough and gag as well . Luckily that 's all that happen to me . The doctor saw Joshua right away . He listen to his breathing and checked his ears and throat . He told us that Joshua was fighting an infection in his ears and that his breathing seemed wheezy . He put him on a Nebulizer for 5 - 7 minutes and he had to breathe through this mask the whole time . He did surprisingly well . The doctor listened to him again afterwards and said it seemed to help . He wrote up 4 prescriptions for our son and gave us a Nebulizer to take home with us . So , we dropped off the prescriptions at Walgreens and went off to take care of some other things while we waited for them to be filled . When we returned to Walgreens I went inside by myself to get the prescriptions because Joshua had fallen asleep in the car and Susan stayed with him . The pharmacist said they had trouble with the scripts and would have them ready soon . So , I waited . And waited . And waited some more . Then they told me that one of the scripts was not written for my son and it had someone else 's name on it . They called the doctor to verify this . What the dumb fool did not do however , is verify it was for my son . He verified that it wasn 't for the name on the script . After being there for over 1 1 / 2 hours , I ended up walking out of there with only 3 scripts filled because they said that was all they had for him . AHHHHHHHHH ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! So now , Joshua doesn 't have his ear drops ( the prescription they wouldn 't fill ) . We called the doctor and told him what was going on and he said they 'd call it in to CVS for us . So , after awhile we call CVS to check if the script is ready . And guess what ? It 's NOT ! They got the script , but had a question for the doctor on it , but the doctor 's office was already closed by that time . Dumb Asses . Hopefully , things will be better tomorrow . We did at least enjoy a nice dinner at Pasado 's with Jeromy & Mandy . Then we came home , Joshua got a bath , he used the Nebulizer , and then we put him to bed . All I can say is , I 'm glad this day has finally come to an end and I hope tomorrow is 100 times better than today was . Well , that 's all for now . January 16 , 2009 Today , I 've got lots to talk about . Since the last time I blogged lots of things have happened . Christmas , New Year 's , work , etc . So I 'll start by warning you that this will be a lengthy post . I 'll start with Christmas Eve . This was the first year on Christmas Eve that all of our extended family had other plans for the day . I got home early that morning and we spent most of the day at home . We did make a last minute run to Target to get a few needed things . We ended up leaving there right when they were closing their doors . They even posted people at the doors to make sure no one else came in . After we left there we had Christmas Eve dinner at …… wait for it …… . . DENNY 's ! It wasn 't too bad actually , but Susan & I agreed that we don 't plan to make it a Christmas Eve tradition . A tradition we did decide on for Christmas Eve was to let Joshua open one of his presents that night before bed . He opened a puzzle board . Well , actually I helped him open it . Then came Christmas morning . We all got out of bed at around 8 : 30am . For me this is very late . I always get up at 6am on Christmas Day , but this year I was sick and the extra rest didn 't bother me too much . Susan 's sister had let us use their video camera that morning . I videoed us going to wake Joshua up for Christmas and then set set it up to record us all opening presents . However , when I setup the camera , I forgot to check the battery power and found out that the camera stopped recording even before the first present was opened . Damn ! Well , at least we still took pictures with our regular camera . Joshua was really excited about all his presents and wanted to play with everything . In the afternoon we went to Jeromy & Mandy 's house for Christmas with the family . It was their first Christmas at their new home and they wanted to share it with everyone . We all had a really good time and ate some really good food and got some really awesome presents . A week later brought New Year 's . Once again I got home early on New Year 's Eve morning . We went out to dinner at Pasado 's with Jeromy & Mandy . We had never been there before , but the food was really quite good . Of course , it 's Mexican food at that 's always good . After dinner , they came over to our house and all of us played on the Wii Fit Susan got for Christmas . Unfortunately , we discovered that we 're all getting older and it 's hard to stay up until midnight . Jeromy & Mandy went home around 11pm , Susan went to bed at 11 : 30pm & I watched the ball drop and shut the TV off right after and went to sleep too . What a bunch of party animals we are right ? Work has been really slow lately for me . Every week for the past month I have been told that they don 't have a load for me to go out and I end up missing a day or two of work . It 's beginning to become a pain in the pocketbook . We also just got our new insurance cards the other day and our co - pays have changed and not for the better . Not good since we 're always using our insurance for some reason or other . Last Thursday was a really lousy day . I had decided I was finally going to put my new hedge trimmer to use . As I was trimming one of our bushes in our front yard my phone rang . I just barely heard it too . I answered and my wife was hysterical on the other end . Joshua 's daycare had called her and told her an ambulance was on the way to the daycare to get him because he had had a febrile seizure during nap time . I dropped everything and jumpped into my car and headed straight to the hospital . Susan & I both arrived there almost at about the same time . We even arrived earlier than the ambulance did . When they got there , Joshua was stripped down naked and only covered by a thin sheet . He was still a little out of it at first , but he slowly came out of it . Sara , the daycare director , rode with him in the ambulance to the hospital so that if he woke up he would see someone he recognised . Susan & I both really appreciated that . I think he 's in an awesome daycare . The people there seem to really truly care about the kids they take care of . Anyway , after waiting in the hallway for what seemed like forever , we finally got put in a room . It so happens , it was the same room Susan 's dad had been in when they found out about his incurable cancer . I guess she 's really strong though cause I know I was having a hard time dealing with it myself . After all was said and done , Joshua was back to his usual self and wanted to get out of there asap . We left around 5 : 30pm . He and mommy had to stay home on Friday . Finally , we get to today . Today was my court date for the tickets I received over 2 years ago . On November 23rd , 2006 I hydroplaned into a light post and like a good citizen I reported it to the police . My reward was a fine for reckless driving , an incorrect address on my driver 's license , and no current proof of insurance . Needless to say , I was not a happy camper . I went to court the following Monday to plead not guilty to all the charges . I had changed my address on my license before I went there and brought them my current proof of insurance . The license charge was dismissed , but the other 2 remained and a future court date would have to be set for them . It took 2 years and 2 months to finally get my day in court . I went there with my court papers , proof of insurance , and even pictures of the area where the accident took place . I was scheduled in court at 6pm . I sat in the courtroom for about 15mins and the judge called my name . I stood up and the judge said , " All charges have been dismissed . You 're free to go . " And just like that , it was all over . 2 years of waiting was finally over . The police officer who gave me the ticket had not shown up in court so the charges were automatically dropped . Thank God ! To celebrate , we went out to Pasado 's for some good ole Mexican food . Too bad I 'm sick again and couldn 't taste a thing . It all looked really good though and I did get full . Oh well . One last thing before I go , I want to congratulate Daniel & Christina on the birth of their baby girl , Isabelle . I 'm glad to hear she 's doing well and I look forward to getting to see her in person just as soon as I get over this stupid cold . I 've seen the pictures though . Again congratulations . December 18 , 2008 The past month has been very busy . In the last week of November our water heater stopped working and had to be replaced . It happened right before I was headed out the door to go to work . My brother - in - law came over to help me with replacing it . We rushed to Lowe 's to get a new one . We barely got there before the store was going to close . When we went to remove the old water heater , the drain was plugged up and 50 gallons of water would not drain out . We had to move the thing while it was still full . Not a fun task . Once that fun was over , we went to put the new one in , only to discover that it was shorter than the old one and wouldn 't reach the pipes . Luckily , he had some boards at home and we were able to build up the base below the water heater to lift it up to the height it needed to be . Then came Thanksgiving . I got back home from work just in time to head up to the cabin in Arkansas for our holiday weekend . We had lots of fun riding around on the 4 wheelers , shooting fireworks , firing the guns , and even an unexpected trip into town to buy a new air mattress for us to sleep on . The 1st night we slept on our old mattress and found ourselves on the floor halfway through the night . I discovered a hole in it right below my pillow . We had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with all the fixings . Okay , we actually didn 't have thanksgiving dinner until Friday night , but that was because we didn 't get up to Arkansas until the late afternoon on Thursday . This year , for the 1st time , the turkey was deep fried . It turnedout pretty good too . My sister - in - law made my most favorite dessert in the world …… Cherry Cheesecake . It was delicious ! Not a single piece was leftover . Unfortunately , all good things must come to an end and we had to head back to reality ( and home ) on Sunday morning . This year we decided to buy ourselves a brand new artificial Christmas tree . We 've been wanting a pre - lit tree for a few years now so this year we went out and got it . It really is an awesome looking tree . My son just stands there looking at the lights and saying , " Wow ! " He has been absolutely fascinated by all the Christmas decorations everywhere . Last week , we went to this neighborhood that does a Texas themed Christmas story in the poeple 's yards and Joshua just loved it . There was this one house that welcomed people to get out of their cars and walk through the Christmas Wonderland they had in their yard . The decorations were fantastic . Joshua was so excited that he was bouncing up and down and waving his hands all over the place . I 'm glad Joshua 's enjoying the holidays . He gave us another scare last week . On Monday I was busy putting up our Christmas lights on the house when I got a call from his daycare . They told me that he was running a fever and that he had thrown up and asked if I could come and pick him up . When I got there , he was sleeping in the office area , away from the other children , and he was burning up . I brought him home and all he wanted to do was sleep . When his mom came home she woke him up and took his temperature . It was 103 F . We were in the middle of deciding whether or not to take him to urgent care when he threw up all over my wife . I brought him to the bathroom to clean him up while she went and cleaned herself up . He threw up again in the sink . Once he was done we immediately got him in the truck and headed toward the hospital . But the worse was yet to come . As soon as we got to the end of our block Joshua began having a seizure in his Mommy 's arms . That scared the crap out of us . I began to panic , but saw that my wife was really losing it and becoming extremely panicked . I pulled myself together and tried to remain calm while trying to calm her at the same time . We managed to hit almost every light red ! I was getting annoyed . My wife had me call her mother on the way to the hospital and she in turn called the hospital to let them know we were coming . Finally , we got to the urgent care and they took us right away . They ran tests , took blood , x - rayed him and said he was going to be just fine . Thank God ! The next day he was as happy as could be and seemed to be himself again . Well , Christmas is only a week away . I 've actually already completed all of my Christmas shopping this year . Except for the stocking stuffers . I can 't wait to see my son 's reaction to all the presents under the tree and getting to open them . I 'll probably post again that day or the day after . Now it 's time to get back to my job . Hopefully , my load is ready by now . November 16 , 2008 Before I start telling about everything that 's happened this month I 'd like to take a moment to wish everyone a joyous holiday season to come . I hope that everyone is very blessed with many wonderful moments with all of their loved ones . Ok that 's enough mush for now . Since I last blogged Halloween has come and gone . My son dressed up as a pirate and went out trick - o - treating with his mommy , who dressed as a scary monster . I had to work on Halloween , so I wasn 't able to go out with them . Our lil ' pirate did bring home lots and lots of treasure , um . . er . . candy . He 's kinda young for some of the candies he got , but that 's ok . Mommy and Daddy have been taking care of those candies . He also went to the pumpkin patch again this year . My wife got some really good pictures of him that matched the one 's from last year . She put last year 's and this year 's pictures side - by - side and has posted them on our Flickr account so everyone can see them . Actually , we 've taken lots of pictures lately and she 's really backed up on editing them . Yesterday , we went with the Howards to Bass Pro Shop to get pictures of their kids & Joshua with Santa Claus . Santa had a real beard and Mrs . Claus was even there . Joshua walked almost all the way up to Santa , but stopped cold about 2 feet away and just stared . He just didn 't know what to make of Santa . Finally , Mommy walked over and sat him in Santa 's lap . He got his picture taken and was given a candy cane . While we were there , he also got to decorate a pinecone with glitter . Actually , mommy did it , but he sat and watched . Two weeks ago my schedule at work was changed . I used to work Wed . - Sun . Now I work Tues . - Sat . So now I 'm able to be off with my family on Sunday 's and go do things with them . Another thing the schedule change did was to allow me to start going to church with my wife & son . I think my wife is really glad about that . It 's a little unusual for me . Before recently , I hadn 't gone to church on a regular basis since I was a kid . I feel a bit out of place right now , but I 'm sure I 'll come around and be comfortable soon enough . Our house has been a mess for along time . Finally , I just couldn 't take it anymore . So , 3 weeks ago we began gathering up laundry from all areas of the house and washing clothes like crazy . We sorted though mail and other papers , and threw away alot of clutter . It 's still an on going process , but the place is starting to look better . We still have the spare bedroom we haven 't even touched yet , but that 's a project that 's going to take time . There 's things in there that need to be stored , sold , or just plain gotten rid of . Once the whole house is in order , we 'll probably start working on redecorating the front bathroom and the office . The wallpaper in both rooms needs to go . I 'm not sure what we will be doing to redecorate them , but I 'm sure we 'll work something out . Thanksgiving is coming up soon and we 're planning to spend it at the cabin in Arkansas with my wife 's family . Their going to be deep frying a turkey . That 'll be different . I 've always had my turkey oven baked . The last time I went to Arkansas during the month of November it was so cold I thought we were going to freeze to death . That was back before the cabin was built and we were sleeping in tents . Now if it gets too cold we can just turn the heater on . I love electricty , don 't you ? Anyway , there might be one possible snag in our plans , but I 'm not sure just yet . I don 't know if my work is going to have me come back in that Friday or if I 'll be able to be off that entire weekend . I won 't know until the end of next week . Everyone keeps asking me what my schedule is going to be and I can only tell them , " I wish I knew . " Christmas is right around the corner too . We 've already bought a few of our people their presents , but there 's still so much to get . I want to give my son the type of Christmas ' I always had . My parents never left me or my sister wanting for anything on Christmas Day . I want to make sure my son always feels the same way on Christmas . My dad always decorated the whole house , inside and out . It 'll take along time before I have as many Christmas decorations as my dad does , but at least we still have a really nice tree and cool candy cane decorations for the outside of our house . Last year 's Christmas was cool . This year 's is going to be awesome . By the way , if you can 't tell , Christmas is my favorite time of year . Hands down . October 18 , 2008 Currently I 'm sitting at a TA truckstop in Shreveport , LA . I 've now got some time on my hands now to catch up on my blog since my truck has broken down here and the only maintenance guy they have is away on a roadside service call and won 't be back for awhile . Lucky me . At least I was at a truckstop when it happened and I 'm not stuck on the side of the freeway somewhere . The truck has an air leak coming from under the cab and the air pressure for my brakes became dangerously low . Anyway , enough about the truck . On Sept . 27th we finally got to go on the vacation we 've been planning for over a year . It was awesome . We went on a road trip from Fort Worth , TX and our first stop was in Flagstaff , AZ . We spent only one night there , but that was more than enough for all of us . The hotel we stayed at sucked . The A / C didn 't work & the night manager 's solution was to tell us to sleep with the window open . This hotel has a bar attached to it and we have two 16 month old kids with us in the room and he suggests sleeping with the window open . What a jerk . He did tell us that we 'd get a discount on the room for our troubles , but when we went to check out of the room the day manager told us that the A / C is new & that it works just fine & that we wouldn 't be getting a discount . After my wife told her a few choice words we left there and headed out to find us some breakfast . We ended up at the Galaxy Diner . It took a long time to get seated , but when we did the waitress took our order and brought it to us in a timely manor . However , when our cousin , Christina went to put syrup on her pancakes she discovered the hard way that the lid was not screwed on the container and hot syrup poured all over her . I got up and ask a server for a wet towel and gave it to her to help clean up the mess . During all this , not one person came to check on us and see what was going on . At least when they finally did come over the did comp her meal and brought us a free chocolate shake . Let 's just say we won 't be visiting Flagstaff again anytime soon . Our next stop was at Hoover Dam . We only stopped for about 30 minutes . Just long enough to take a few pictures . It was 101 degrees there and no one wanted to hang around too long in that heat . We left there and headed for Las Vegas . We spent 2 days at the Stratosphere in Vegas and didn 't gamble at all . With 2 little boys in tow it 's kind of hard to do . Instead , we went and toured the sights and did alot of shopping and souvenir buying . I think I probably had more fun doing that than I would have blowing all of our money in the casinos . After Leaving Las Vegas , ( yes , I had to through that in ) , we headed to my parents house in Walnut , CA . It was my Dad 's 65th birthday and we where there as a surprise to him . That evening , we went to the Pirate 's Dinner Adventure . It was fun and everyone enjoyed themselves . The next day we went on a tour of Hollywood in a double decker bus . The tour was okay , but lasted too long . We were all a little tired of it by the time it was over . The hotel we stayed at was awesome ! We stayed at the Best Western in Rowland Heights for those 2 nights . The room was huge and the bed was very comfortable . Next on our trip was San Diego , CA . We stayed there for 2 days at the LaQuinta . It was a nice hotel , but nothing real fancy . On our 1st day we went to Seaport Village and took the Land & Sea Tour . That was probably my favorite thing we did on our trip . The tour is on a bus that becomes a boat . It was cool to go from the land to the water in the same vehicle . After the tour we did some shopping in the village and ate outside at a little mexican cantina . When we were done there , we headed to the beach and let the boys play in the sand and get their feet wet in the Pacific Ocean . on day 2 in San Diego we went to the zoo . I 'm not the biggest fan of the zoo , but everyone else wanted to go , so I was out numbered . At least we did get a really good caricature picture drawn of my son . From San Deigo we drove to Las Cruces , NM and spent the night at a Quality Inn . The hotel was brand new and had only been built ealy this year . It had all the usual things you 'd expect to find in a hotel , but there was also a LCD tv hanging on the bedroom wall and a phone in the bathroom . However , the night wasn 't so restful . Our son decided this was going to be the night he didn 't want to go to sleep . He fought and fought until my wife finally had to load him up in the car and take him for a drive until he finally went to sleep . The next morning , of course , he didn 't want to wake up because he was still so tired . After that , we headed back home and vacation was over . Now it 's time for the holidays to begin . Oh boy , will the fun ever stop ? Anyway , That 's enough for now . I 'm still sitting here waiting for the guy to show up and fix my truck so I can get moving again . Bye for now . Joshua had his surgeries on Aug . 18th and everything turned out good . He did put up the biggest fuss of his life ( so far ) when he came out from the anesthesia . Who knew a 15 month old could be so strong . I was beginning to think the doctor gave him super human strengthwhile they were at it . But , witha little time and a little morphine he settled back down and was his old playful self in no time . One of the nurses there gave Joshua a little teddy bear to take home with him . He absolutely loves that thing . He hugs it and calls it his ' baby ' all the time . Anyway , since the tubes were put in his ears he seems to be picking up on words better and has begun repeating some of the things we say . So now people need to start watching what they say or he just might repeat it ! But the cutiest thing is that when I leave to go to work he says , " Bye Bye Daddy . " , and waves to me too . In the mornings he 's all about giving hugs and kisses . And he opens his arms as wide as he can to give you those hugs . He has caught himself a cold about 4 or 5 days ago and has been congested and had a runny nose . He 's starting to get better though . Yesterday , I took a few pictures and a couple videos of him playing ball in our front yard with Mommy , Daddy , Nana , & our Great Dane , Chanci . It was a beautiful day outside and we could see wasting it couped up in the house the whole time . I know yesterday was Sunday and usually I 'm working but , here 's what happen that got me home a day early . On Wednesday night I was sent down to Harlingen , TX and than sent back to Dallas , TX the next day . When I got here Friday morning Hurricane Ike was heading for the Texas coastline . My company told me they weren 't sending anyone in that direction and gave me a load going to El Paso , TX instead . I left to go there Friday afternoon and when I arrived they already had a load waiting the to come back to Dallas , TX . I got back at 2am Sunday morning and was told that I was done for the week . I also put my truck in the shop to get some minor things done to it . The repairs weren 't major , but I figured since there was no parking available where I normally put my truck I might as well park it at the shop and get the wipers replaced and have them fix my broken armrest . I did do something yesterday that I haven 't done in a very long time . I went to church ! My wife and son went last week with her sister 's family to their church and said it was nice and that Joshua behaved really well . She asked me since I was going to be home this time if I wanted to go . My experiences in the past with the church has not always been great . But I felt it would be wrong for me not to go when wife and son were going to be going . The experience wasn 't too bad . The Bible study part was a little annoying though . The reader kept going so fast I couldn 't keep up . The service itself was okay . It might have been better , but my well behaved son of last week was nowhere to be found this week . Instead , we brought a talkative and fussy Joshua this week . My wife had to take him out of church twice . I do believe , however , that if given another Sunday off , I probably would go back again . The people there seemed really friendly and the parts of the service that I was able to pay attention to seemed nice too . As a quick side note , I 'd like to say that I hope everyone along the Gulf Coast is able to get all the help and support they need . My company has a service center in Houston , TX , Beaumont , TX , and New Orleans , LA . I hope they all weathered the storm well and that Hurricane Ike didn 't cause them too much grief . For all those who did not fare so well , my heart and prayers go out to you and I hope that the future ahead will look brighter soon . On Sept . 6th , my mother - in - law got married . The wedding was held at a park inside a huge picnic area . It was a nice wedding , but I must say , I have never been to a more unusual wedding in all my life . See her new husband belongs to a biker gang . So , on the bride 's side you have casually dressed people and on the groom 's side you have t - shirts , jeans and leather . I must admit though , I think the biker guys were all a really great bunch of people . They were all really friendly and seemed to be a close knit group of people . One of the bikers was ordained and performed the ceremony . The music was a very wide variety of songs . Everything from classic rockto modern rock to even country music was played during the event . And yes , the bride and groom rode off from the wedding on a motorcycle . Congratulations to the both of them . I hope you both make each other happy for many , many years to come . And for the grand finally . This morning I got up as usual with my wife and went and got our son ready for her to bring him to daycare . I brought him outside , put him in his car seat , started the car and when my wife was ready she came out and drove off with him on her way to work . However , she had locked me out of the house when she left . I ran to the street yelling and waving my hands like a mad man . She never saw me . I hope none of my neighbors did either . I didn 't have my keys , my phone , or my wallet on me . I was truly locked out . I tried all the windows and they were all locked tight . I tried to jimmy open the lock on the front and back door . Still no luck . I finally decided if I was going to get in I 'd have to break in . But I didn 't want to break any of our windows . So , since I knew the front door was only locked by a regular lock and not the deadbolt lock I knocked it in . That 's right I broke down my own front door . I was actually amazed how easy it was . I hit it with my shoulder somewhere around 5 to 7 times and the lock mechanism inside the door snapped in two . That is why you should always use the deadbolt . I was able to replace the lock and the door works just fine again . The door did splinter a little bit , but only in the frame and not too badly . From now on I 'm bringing my keys with me whenever I step out that door . |
In the back seat is a blanket covering a BB gun and a giant cap rifle , food , and various other nonessentials . We go down the somewhat traffic ridden road and I know there are police almost everywhere , but still my mother fails to correct some sort of vague illegality that is sufficient to get us pulled over . I am disappointed . We roll the windows down . A cop dressed in olive drab walks up to the back window and instantly pulls the blanket off the guns and gives me a severe look . He knew ! I am amazed . " Why do you need these ? " he accuses , handling the BB gun roughly and with an almost utter lack of gun safety . " That 's a BB gun and the other is a cap rifle , they 're not very dangerous , " I clarify . He eventually seems to arrive at the conclusion of what they are . I have the feeling I did not even need to tell him . I am nearly on the verge of crying . I do not desire to go to jail or pay a large fine for something as typically trivial as this . My pleading is followed by silence for a few seconds . The cop rolls the situation over in his head and seems to deduce that we are not particularly dangerous people . " It 's not a big deal ; I 'll let you off this time . " he says casually . He replaces the guns over the blanket . An air of mystery descends . On our right side is a large , dark hill covered with thick forest and grassy cattail marshlands leading up to it , as may be seen in parts of Pennsylvania . There is no path leading up to it and it seems exceptionally isolated from the rest of the world . " No , I have no idea , " say I . " I can show you , " he says , mystery thick behind his voice . My mother is not at all interested in coming . She stays behind . I do not know what pulls me towards the wild but it is an irresistible force and whatever is out there seems much more fascinating than the highway , and more dangerous . We start off . The policeman begins to descend the ten foot slope directly beside the road and I follow him . He makes his own trail amongst the knee - high grasses that undulate for two - hundred feet until the more severe section of the slope upwards . After traveling increasingly far from the safety of the highway , we approach the trees and walk through them , in the midst of the dark and subconsciously - attuned woods native to this part of the country . The noises of broken sticks and crushing leaves sound . However , I feel some sort of break in the solidity of the forest . I see light through the other side of the vegetation . The policeman smiles . We break through the forest to a concrete ramp guarded by a chainlink fence . There is a hole in the fence that we step through . To the direct right of the slope is a large brick apartment building with faded yellow window casings on its myriad windows . The building is clearly not being used . I feel very apprehensive at the bizarre and monolithic feeling caused by such an object in the middle of the woods , but curiosity propels my feet nevertheless . After mounting the incline , we turn to the right side and see another building that was being hid behind the first as we were on the ramp , and to the right of that one is yet another smaller version of the same , so that the three combine to make a U shape which we would have been on the left side of a minute ago . We make it to the middle of these structures . They look at least seventy years old . There are stairwells down to possible entrances underground but we worry not with them . Suddenly the policeman takes a pistol out of his holster and starts shooting at the wall and windows . " What are you doing ? " I ask , startled . The gun seems inexplicably quieter than a real one . His aim is very specific . I am not used to policemen breaking the law . I can see clearly inside each of these windows . As I walk , in awe , down the side of the apartment building , I see room after room of people , motionless , going about their lives or simply sitting and staring out at whatever is in front of their windows . Young people , old men , all sorts of different inhabitants . They are all stuck there , silent , but look as if they could suddenly move if something in the atmosphere shifted . It is so nearly like they are still alive . " There was an accident here , " saith the policeman gravely , " A bad accident . Something happened nearby and everyone in these apartment complexes was frozen in time where they stand . It happened decades ago . " I don 't know what comes over me , or if I am simply afraid to not obey , but I fire at a few of these ephemeral personages and small holes seem to appear in them where the slow rocklike projectile hits them . It is like a bizarre target gallery . I give the gun back , wondering if I should feel guilty or contented with ending their ceaseless vigil . I cannot tell if I killed them or not , but nothing about them essentially seemed to change after being shot . Either way , the policeman 's habit of coming out here and regularly using this hideous place as a target gallery makes me feel nervous . " I am going to leave , " say I . " You should go up that path to the new civilization , " he advises . I nod . East of the apartments , further into the wilderness , lay a concrete path with a gate partially blocking it . I pass through the old gate and continue along . Rocks litter the way . The policeman leaves and goes back to his car . After putting some much - needed distance between me and those awful apartment buildings , I find myself curious as to what is ahead . I walk another five hundred feet . My curiosity is satisfied as I see , far away , a small village built on top of a huge slab of concrete . A minute later I am there . The terrain is generally somewhat flat , and the town is hemmed in by forested wilderness . The town is on the top of a hill , though , so the highest parts of the trees barely manage to rise above the settlement . There are people here ! I ask him how the town was founded . He explains that some of the original residents from the apartment buildings managed to make it over here to start a new civilization . Now there are at least forty people in the area . I wonder how anyone could have escaped the accident . The buildings around here are but small , blackened plank structures , but they give off a comforting if archaic energy compared to the brutalist Eastern European ambience of the last ones . I see some work being done in the area , dirt and gravel being moved , and there are several bobcats and excavators going about , doing their jobs . Due to its remoteness , this settlement does not feel boring in the manner of some locations , but it does feel difficult to actually do much nonetheless . We get off the beaten path and explore a fairly large cabin surrounded by woods . It has brown shingles and a single medium - sized window . I walk up to it and peer in the window . There are many pots and pans , primitive darkwood furnishings , a few old books , and an icebox in it . But something is sitting in the chair close to the window I am looking into , on the right . A man - sized insect , a cricket or spider , or some unholy combination of man with the aforementioned . Its giant brown hairy legs splay out of myriad directions . We head , surprisingly slowly , back up the path separating us from the mainland of the town . My new friend and I mess around with gravel piles , look at construction equipment , perhaps go in a small cabin or two , and try generally to pass the time in any way we can . Sometimes we can see many people in the town and other times it looks nearly abandoned , but no reason is ever made clear as to the volatility of its rugged inhabitants . After a while it becomes difficult to play around any more , and I do not want to retrace my steps and go back to the highway either . I feel that chapter of the adventure is over with and I am spooked still by those frozen structures . Night is beginning to fall . It is not blurring the colors of the landscape or turning everything to black , but the carefreeness of the start of my voyage , if there ever was any , has faded away . We are bored and feel the irresistible urge to explore more , dangerous as it may be . Past the section with the bugman house is another turnoff into the woods , which has evidently been traveled before . We walk down the path , which heads downwards off the plateau of the town . We use it , however , for its supposed purpose and climb about on it , finding it a respite from the last events . Then I hear something a ways behind us . Fear is in my friend 's eyes . I turn around and see , on the path coming from the town , another one of those horrid creatures . It lurches towards of with many light - brown hairy hairy arms and I don 't know how many legs . We try to hide behind a concrete rectangle , but I hear it coming around the side and run to another shape before it sees me . It is even more terrifying up close . I lose my friend at some point , and although I can deduce that he was not killed , I am never quite sure where he goes . My best guess is into the dark surrounding woods . I play cat and mouse with the thing through different shapes until I eventually end up and the far end of the slab form the town . The pathway continues on further past that . It sees me and has me cornered so that my best choice is to continue down the path . Quickly the woods and trees go by me , for I am at top speed and jumping over logs and turning corners with an emergencial exhilaration I have rarely felt hitherto . But it is yet behind me , and I find with horror that it is a tiny bit faster than me and is gaining ground at a tortuously slow rate . I need something to save me and at the next turn something does . An oak tree stands in the middle of the path so I barely brush by it and then put it between me and the thing as I continue running . It smashes into the tree and falls . I look at it for a moment . It is not dead but needs to make it off the ground before it can continue its pursuit . I wonder what terrible accident could have caused such an abomination . The one at the apartment buildings or some sinister de - evolution from the surviving town ? Or were they always in the surrounding woods ? At any rate , I continue as fast as I can and note the path 's curvature to the right . Perhaps it will eventually make a semicircle and join up with the rest of the town . But yet again the thing is gaining on me and I run , filled with terror that I will trip up at some point and make a mistake . I am lucky , but it is only ten feet behind me . I dodge under a branch and go around an S - bend , and see the path raise up . Five seconds later I am nearly on the level of the town again . The creature is overrun and I make it , panting and happy to be safe again , onto the foundation of the town . The thing , evidently , is fearful of the area , for I never see it again . And there is my friend , far away , on the top of a mound of dirt . Finally , we are reunited , and I hope that my trials are over . Nick Stubson scraped the rabbit hide over and over again . His muscles pulsed as he drew the steel across the skin , making an endless metallic noise . He repeated the action over and over again . Over and over . Teardrops of sweat swelled on his forehead as his face contorted from pent - up anger . No , he was not scraping a rabbit skin . He was carving out all the mistreatment and shattered , faded memories from his mind . It was the fourth rawhide of the day , and the sun , a blistering volcano , stared down relentlessly . Nick grunted from the exertion . He was the constant laborer of the family , and would obediently do whatever his father asked of him . Except on rare occasions , when he would get a good lashing instead . " Nick , get your stinkass over here and let me see them rabbit hides , " demanded his father . " You took too long . Should ' bin done by noon . " Bill talked very slowly . He didn 't think much , and didn 't talk much either . " Hm , " grunted Nick . " Sorry . " He laid them on the table . Old Bill got off his rocking chair by the fireplace and walked over while steadying his sore hip . He looked over the hides like an inspector at Colt Manufacturing Company . " Hmm . You didn 't put ' nough brains on the belly of this ' n . " Bill spat on it carelessly . Nick became angry , since he knew there was a spittoon right beside the wall . " And it got a brown stain righ ' here . Won 't get no money in town . You better do better , else I 'll trade you for some farm hand , " said Bill sternly . Nick knew he never actually would . In the recesses of his mind , Nick would rather live with someone else . Anyone else . Millie was adopted by Bill Stubson in the particularly cold winter of 1898 . Her mother was dirt poor and couldn 't take good care of anyone anymore . On a trip to see his family , Bill Stubson made a rare act of generosity to his kin by adopting Millie . The other reason why he had moved was never discussed . In a fit of rage , he had shot an old acquaintance in front of a bar - in the eye . In the desert , Bill knew he could avoid the law . She sat on top of the home - made bed and read one of the four books in the house . She knew it by rote , except for the last five pages , which she vowed she would never read until she got incredibly bored . That moment was fixing to be soon . Despite almost everything in her life conspiring against it , Millie turned out to be somewhat of a lady . She didn 't receive the same harsh punishments from Bill that Nick did . Because of that , she kept a bit of her innocence . Bill felt quite proud to have a ' daughter ' that could end up making a good wife in a few more years . He looked constantly for suitors for Millie , but there weren 't many boys in the area , so he rarely found any . " Millie , go and fetch some water , " hollered Bill from the living room . The sound easily broke through the door of their bedroom . Within half a minute , Millie was out the door . The creek was only a few hundred feet away from the cabin . It was a paltry little thing , but one of the only sources of good water in Nevada . A small grove of trees grew around it , sucking up all the water they could find . Those trees and Bill Stubson 's cabin were the only two signs of life on the deathly plains . That night , Bill finished his bottle of bootleg . He was so drunk that when he saw a palmetto bug scurry across the floor , he took the old shotgun off the fireplace and tried to crush it with the buttstock . Luckily for him , there were no cartridges in the gun . And fortunately for the palmetto bug , Bill 's aim was terrible . Bill fell asleep on the rocking chair . He had a bedroom and a bed , but he preferred to keep out of there some nights . The kids couldn 't tell why . The next day , Bill asked Millie to get more water . Because of the unusually dry weather , however , the creek was dry . Millie huffed and pranced around , trying to think of another way to get some water . She walked back up the creek bank and started to stare at the far reaches of desert . Millie 's eyes squinted as she saw something strange on the horizon . It was an old man sitting atop a silent horse . He was far away , but Millie thought she saw something unsettling in his eyes . She started up a pace towards the front door and tried her best to ignore the stranger . Something inside her told her that talking to him would only make things worse . Nick brought one of his old rabbit traps outside with him as he left of for the morning . Trapping was his favorite thing to do , except for the occaisonal shot he took his his father 's shotgun . Mostly , however , animals were too smart to get within range . The teenager walked eastward , towards the general direction of the nearest town . After a half hour , he stopped and set his trap next to a rotten tree stump . There were a few rabbit holes around the stump , so he supposed he might get lucky . Suddenly , something brought Nick to his senses . In front of him was a liver bay horse with a ragged old man riding on top . The man 's eyes were grey and plastered - over . His mouth hung off on one side , like it was slowly wearing off his face . His face was filled with wrinkles . " Who are you , mister ? " said Nick , his voice quivering . The man didn 't answer . He turned his face downward upon Nick . Once more , Nick panicked . He took off in the opposite direction . After running for an arduously long time , Nick was dried out and exhausted . He hoped he wouldn 't die in the desert . Nick tried his best to look for landmarks on the horizon . He could vaguely see two comforting shapes hundreds of yards away . The next day was Sunday , so the three had a comparatively large meal to eat . It consisted of rabbit stew , a few pieces of beef , water , and some vegetables imported all the way from Texas . It wasn 't the freshest meal , but it was a lot better than what the family usually ate . Bill and the others joined hands . " Darned devil is there at the window again ! I can 't believe him ! Why is he doing this to us ? " his voice was filled with fire . Outside , close to the house , was the Blind Man , solemnly watching the family . Nick reviewed his options for a minute . He almost decided to disobey , but changed his mind at the last minute . He grudgingly did as his father said . The door creaked and Nick went out of sight . Bill and Millie started to eat . They were nervous , but the food helped keep their minds off what was happening outside . Millie and Nick was out in the town , doing some shopping and selling the rabbit hides to the saddler . Since Bill was feeling sick and hungover , he stayed in bed and stared out the window . Bill was hungry and sick at the same time . He wanted to go in the kitchen and make something , but his head felt like it was getting hit by hammers whenever he moved more than an inch . Bill growled and closed his eyes , feeling exasperated . His head slammed back down on the bed . Some strange force seemed to push him off the bed . For some reason , his head stopped throbbing long enough for him to make the long trek to the kitchen . Slouched over like a hunchback , he moved inch by inch to the front of the house . Outside , it was sunny and hot like a barbeque . It was never any different . Bill suddenly slipped and fell onto the floor . He became enraged at himself and the world . Feeling no reason to get back up and live , Bill feel into an uneasy and restless sleep . Bill scrambled to his feet quickly . He grabbed the shotgun off the wall and squeezed it in his hands . He sneaked up to the door , crouched up behind it , and opened it . As the door swung towards the house , Bill saw his worst nightmare . It was that ghastly half - dead man and his ancient horse . He stared right into Bill 's soul , in his unseeing , menacing way . " I said move ! " Nothing happened . Bill shouldered the shotgun and pulled the trigger . It leapt into him and belched a blast of bituminous flame . Only the horse was left . " That darned - awful man showed up and I told him to scram or die . Look what he did . He jus ' stood there and so I shot him . " For the first time in years , there was a small tinge of regret in Bill 's hardened voice . Nick was repulsed by what he saw . As his father went in the house and looked for the shovel , Nick tried to avoid looking at the dead man . He could not . Blood stained the sand around the body . Each small white hair on the man 's head was clearly visible . Nick noticed how archaic the man 's overcoat was . He guessed it was from decades ago . The body was rolled onto its stomach , so Nick was luckily spared the sight of the man 's face , but his body had an unearthly , faint glow to it . It was very off putting . " What happened to the horse ? " asked Nick . Two hours later , Nick and Bill threw the last shovel full of sand over the corpse . They buried him by the river , a few hundred yards from the house . To make sure nothing would happen , they made sure to dig the grave extra deep . Finally complete , Bill nodded proudly to his son and they turned around and trailed back to the house . Nick heard the gravel crunching as he stepped , but something about it made him feel slightly uneasy . Was there another sound of crunching behind him ? He turned and saw nothing at all . " I 'm fine , " replied Nick quickly . Within another minute they arrived at the front door . Bill pushed Nick aside and opened the door with haste , not wanting to wait another second to get back to his normal life and stop worrying about the Blind Man . Standing immediately in front of him was the ghost with the old coat and the vacant eyes . An eerie , disembodied voice issued from him as he gave his final warning . " You cannot run from the past . " This is a short movie I made with my friend one night . It 's about an accountant who goes to an old man to try to fix his workplace and maritial problems . I have to say , " Demons " turned out pretty well , considering the tiny budget . There are a few scary parts ! Tell me what y ' all think . Link : However , I never considered myself much of an explorer until the night of September 14 , 1923 . I was down in a sparsely - inhabited part of Florida , visiting family who had moved there only recently . I had come down with my mother and father , and for about a week , we had a fairly enjoyable time eating socializing , and drinking in the sweltering Floridian heat . On the eighth day of my excursion , I was talking to my uncle about the weather in Florida . Suddenly , all sound faded out and my uncle 's talking sounded like it was taking place a hundred feet away . He shook my shoulder but I could hardly feel it . His image was blurred in front of me , and I felt a strange sense of blankness inside . The day dragged on , and at the setting of the sun most of my relatives went to bed . I gradually felt some strange feeling in me intensify . I couldn 't tell exactly what it was , but it felt like some pull in me to leave the ranch - house and head into the murky forest to the south . I walked out of the house and leaned on the wall , thinking . The heat was more tolerable now , so that being outside was quite comfortable . Black dragonflies buzzed about overhead . A light grey mist hung over the tree - tops . There was a small patch of grass surrounding the house , but around that was a jungle that stretched on for miles . Huge swathes of it were unexplored and virgin . It was filled with wild beasts and all manner of bugs . My heart began to beat faster as I thought of slinking out into the trees and feeling the isolation and wilderness first - hand . I knew there was something out there , calling me to it . I could not , however , tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing . I felt conflicted . I went back in the house and saw my young six - year - old cousin sitting in front of a bookshelf . He was the only one who was awake . I had nobody else to talk to . " I understand … " I said . " Billy - do you ever feel like you want to go out there and … see what 's in that forest ? " I asked bluntly . Billy looked surprised , but he nodded his head quickly . " Good choice . That might be a bad idea . It 's not safe out there , " I said . " Good night , Billy . I think I might go outside for a minute . See you tomorrow . " I walked back into my room , where I was bunking with my uncle whom I had talked to earlier . In my suitcase , there were several useful items . I found a belt knife , lantern , and bottle of water out of it . The force came over me again . My mind drifted out of my body for a few seconds , making what the wall in front of me look dreamy and blurred . I heard a slight droning , quiet but noticeable . " It sure would have been great if I 'd packed my revolver , " I mumbled . My idea was crazy . No - one in my family would ever approve of me doing what I was doing . Actually , my aunt had told me to stay around the house . Still , the feelings I got were somehow telling me that I needed to get out and explore the wilderness . I put on my backpack and walked out of the house slowly , trying to delay my leaving as much as possible . There was a sadness in my heart at leaving the house , but also a somber responsibility . I felt the grass giving slightly under my boot . The trees loomed up like buildings . I brushed aside the vines and bushes and entered the dark underworld on nature . Crickets and cicadas sang , uninterrupted and loud . The smell was an overpowering mix of pine and rotting matter . Slowly , I moved through the forest . The growth was so thick that I could hardly get through it , even if I tried my best . Still , I pressed on . I heard the ripping of my clothes from the sharp thorns , but my mind was set . Time became ethereal as I blazed a path through the woods . I swatted at pesky bugs but on a few occasions felt a stinging pain when one escaped my hand . Eventually , after hours of monotonous labor , I could make out a strange clearing in the tree - tops above me . I was miles away from habitation . My heart began to race again as I got closer and closer to the clearing ahead of me . Looming above the trees was a forgotten , colossal structure . Its size and bulk sent shivers down my spine . Darkness enveloped it , but I could tell that it was not new . No , my nose and instinct told me it was ancient . For the first time in hours , I felt like I could think again . But the feeling of some strange attraction towards the monument never ceased . Who had created this stone building ? To answer the question which burned like an open fire in my head , I walked towards the monument . The long grass creaked and sloshed under me like a swamped wooden house . My feet were soaking and numb . Soon , the thing loomed above me , cold and silent . It was a gigantic , stepped obelisk . The closest thing to it would be the pyramids made by the Meso - American people in ancient times . However , it was tall and needle - like , unlike the broad and dull shape of the other pyramids . The color , also , was eerily different . It was a dark , coppery rust . I could not tell if it was made of metal or some unusual stone . Something about the obelisk was more off - putting than I 'd ever imagined the Mayan pyramids to be . I tried to count the steps on the building . It had many tiers , and they made the obelisk much thinner as it got higher . At the very top , it couldn 't be wider than a foot or two . The top was amazingly far away from me . I wondered if there was some ancient treasure hidden up there , silently calling me . Out of curiosity , I walked around the circumference of the bottom . It was much wider at the base than at any other part . Still , the walls couldn 't be more than twenty feet in length . I held the lantern up to the wall to get a better look at it . The wall was covered in some strange writings or hieroglyphs which I had no hope of understanding . My stomach started to tie itself in knots . I was the first person to see this building in … years . Maybe even centuries . The railroad track was as rusty as a ' 58 Ford . I stood up on it , outstretching my arms and trying to keep my balance as I walked forwards . It wasn 't easy , and I often fell . But it was a fun way to spend an afternoon . Although it was July , there were a lot of clouds in the Tennessee sky . The day had been overcast and windy . Being the height of the summer , though , it was still warm . I walked around a bend in the tracks , and forward on a straightaway for a mile . My dad told me that I shouldn 't go any further than the next bend I could see far ahead of me . I told him that since I was in high school , I should explore the world more . To my side , I saw some young forest . The color of it was a light moss green . Every other day I 'd explored the area , it was in that young forest close to the house . It wasn 't the most interesting place , though . There had been a forest fire in the area twenty years ago , so there wasn 't much to see around there . On the right side , there were the ruins of an old church house from the eighteen - hundreds . It had been burned down from a fire . The rubble was a blackened char . When I had looked through it before , I hadn 't seen much in it . Only one object was really interesting - a trapdoor to the basement , which was still in one piece . It was right outside the rubble , still partially covered - up . I still wanted to go down there , but something was stopping me . A hesitancy , and there wasn 't really a good reason for it . What could there be in there but a few old books or church pews ? Not much . Just thinking about the building got me a bit of an adrenaline rush . My eyes widened . I took a step off the old railroad steel . I made the decision to walk over to it . Maybe not to go in the basement , but just look around the other parts of the ruins . I pushed aside the overgrown wheat and thistle plants and walked onto the thick field where the church had burned down . Bushes and trees were starting to engulf the remains of the building . Being in the area made me feel like I was trespassing . Not that anyone owned the land to get me in trouble . It just felt like a bad place to hang around . A heavy atmosphere pervaded the whole area . Out of the corner of my eye , I thought I saw a quick movement in the trees bordering the field . I dismissed the sight as my imagination , but it made me more uneasy . After a minute , I didn 't feel inclined to look anymore . When I was about to stop and walk over to somewhere else , a sight caught my eye . As if a magician had revealed it , I saw the trapdoor right in front of my face . It was in a spot which I suspected had a pile of ash on it a minute before . Taking a deep breath , I went on my knees and pulled the handle towards me . It moved a half - inch , and then suddenly stopped . There was a plank of wood obstructing the edge of the trap . I grunted and moved it aside , freeing the door . For a minute , I pondered whether it was really a good idea to explore something I obviously shouldn 't . My curiosity held out , though . I opened the trapdoor slowly , looking inside rather reluctantly . The sunlight illuminated a ten - foot descent into the basement of the old Baptist church . A rickety , ancient ladder went down to the floor . I turned backwards and put my feet on it , feeling a little bit of give . I hoped the wood would hold out . The insides of the basement were dark , compared to the entrance where the ladder was . The passageway was not wide , but it stretched on as far as I could see . Through the shadows , I could vaguely make out some bookshelves and rubble on the floor . The only thing that distressed me was the lack of any sort of flooring . Under my feet was nothing but rooty , dry dirt . I pulled a Zippo out of my pocket . Maybe my parents didn 't want me to carry one around , but it was a lifesaver at times . The flickering light illuminated the dirty , white walls of the basement . The paint peeled off here and there , exposing the wood underneath . As I walked foot by foot through the basement passageway , I saw the light flickering off the far wall . I could see the end of the passage . I closed the lighter for a second , so it wouldn 't burn out . There were two steps right before the end of the basement , and on top of them was an old desk with all manner of books haphazardly piled on it . I relit my Zippo and walked over to the desk . It was in perfect condition , unlike the floor and walls of the basement . My stomach turned over as I looked through some of the old books . The newest ones were from the 1940 's . I flipped through the aromatic pages , looking over the paragraphs quickly . The older books were from the 1920 's or even the 1800 's . One thing stuck out , which was a newer - looking journal . It looked like it was from the around the same time as the church had burned down . The book had been unceremoniously dumped beside the desk . The name written on it was Wendy Vernoff . I opened it and found the last few entries . Discussed the Monday study group idea with Preacher Jacobs . I recommended reading Psalms , but he insisted on Revelations . Looking forward to heading the group . Mrs . Watkins will be a handful , but hopefully she won 't try anything too crazy . I would hate to dismiss her from the group . March 28 , 1947 : Heard the unfortunate news that Mr . Walker disappeared . His wife says that he 's been gone ever since March 24 . The whole neighborhood 's out looking for him , and I suppose I should join the search teams , too . I have a bad feeling in my gut about this . Mr . Walker never was particularly sane . I remember him shouting some gibberish at the top of his lungs during Mass more than once . Lord , please bring him back safe . At the end of the entry , there was a small scribble . I wondered what it was from , and put the book back down on the desk . I felt nervous . It wasn 't easy to tell why . All that stuff had happened such a long time ago . It didn 't have anything to do with me . Back at the other end of the room , the ladder was still there . I decided I 'd had enough of the rubble , so I put my hands on the ladder and tried to climb up it . It groaned unhappily . Hopefully , it would hold out . I took a step upwards , trying to put my weight as close to the edge of the ladder as possible . Slowly but surely , I got to the top . As I stood above the church , the afternoon light blinded me . I walked away from the ruins , not sure where to go next . As I went across the field , I felt anxious about what I 'd found in the basement . Had the mystery ever been solved ? Why had the church burned down in the first place ? Nobody had ever told me . I wondered if anybody in the area even knew . Something drew me towards the forest further down the railroad tracks . I had never gone back there before . Over there , the woods were old and virgin , unlike the new growth I was used to exploring . I went back on the railroad tracks and tried to balance on them while walking quickly . To me , it was the best way to travel . Except for maybe a railroad handcar . That would be quicker . I kept going until the track curved towards the right . In this area of the forest , I was far from civilization . I kept thinking of the journal , and hoped the man who 'd disappeared didn 't cause the fire . The more I thought about it , the stranger it seemed . If all the people in the church were looking for the man , then why would it burn down ? I considered that maybe someone had started it on fire while it was unattended . A rather steep drop headed into the right bank of the forest . I ran down it quickly , almost tripping and falling headfirst into the ground . There was an ancient sense of stillness in the air as I started to wander around in the grove of trees . I walked over a mossy hill , finding several shotgun shells lying on the ground . I put one in my pocket . For some reason , I found myself stepping quietly and trying not to make any noise . Faintly , I could hear the sound of running water . In front of me was a small stream . I had never seen it before . There were all sorts of snails , crayfish , minnows , and frogs in it . I watched the little animals for a while . The minnows swam away speedily , but the crayfish didn 't seem to notice me . I wondered if there were any bass further down the stream . " Maybe it 'll join up with some more water and there could be a little lake I could fish in , " I mumbled . However , I didn 't have my fishing rod . I took off my shoes and let my feet dangle down into the water . The rushing stream licked my toes . I realized I had to go to the bathroom , so I got up and made sure no - one was around . After that , I stood in the middle of a small clearing and wondered what to do next . The small saplings swayed melodically in the breeze . Creepers grew under them , making me appreciate the fact that I was wearing jeans . Something interrupted my sense of ease . I didn 't feel like I should be where I was . A voice in my head told me to go back to the railroad track and head home . I didn 't listen to it . I walked forwards , deeper into the forest . The trees became taller and older , and my path became darker . Lichens , mosses , and conks grew all over the ancient trees . I wondered if the forest was older than the first settlers in the country . Maybe I was the first white person who had ever seen it , in the first place . After a few more minutes , I was having a hard time even remembering where I was . My stomach began to turn as I saw some strange rusty objects in front of me . They were partially buried by leaves . It was impossible to tell what they were . I saw a bleached bone sticking out of the ground at an unnatural angle . " What is that ? " I thought to myself . " That 's unusual . " Out of the corner of my eye , I saw a small yellow shape sticking out of the pile . I walked towards it and picked it up with my shaking hand . On it was faded ink , long worn out from the rain and sun . Some of the letters had completely disappeared . As I read , my stomach churned like I was about to puke . I felt an increasing sense of alarm and dread . I 've h d eno h of ev - ryone treati g me like I m some sort of mut nt freak ! Mayb - I d d scream at chu ch . May \ e I did k ll the neig \ bor s dog . But th is all I 'm tak ng ! I 'm perfo ming the Txaltian Ritu l , and t ey can tell me I 'm a ba t rd to my face ! Ev n if t takes a hun red years . I h pe t ey find me ! That was the same man who the woman had written about in her journal . I closed my eyes and tried to resist falling on the ground . I couldn 't place my finger on why I felt so horrible , but I did . When I opened my eyes again , I saw the end of a thick brown rope dangling off a big oak in front of me . I squinted and tried to take my eyes off it . Curiosity got the best of me , though . Hesitantly , I looked up higher in the branches . There was a dark , hum - shaped shape directly above my head . I gasped . Right in front of my nose was a decaying , bloody face . A gruesome , toothy smile stretched across his grey , cracked face . His red eye sockets stared at me emotionlessly . Around his broken neck was an old manila rope . He was dressed in faded , wartime clothes . I fell backwards , unable to take my eyes off the hanged man . I felt like about to have a heart attack . Were my eyes playing tricks on me ? Was his mouth really moving ? Did he actually say something ? I heard a raspy , ancient voice . His hand started to twitch violently . It began to shake furiously . I was paralyzed with fear . I heard a bloodcurdling scream . The man 's mouth opened hellishly wide . The air was shattered like glass by the sound . I closed my eyes tightly , never intending to open them again . While we were outside splitting wood as a kid , my dad used to tell me a scary story . It happened when he went to Egypt for an important business meeting . After getting his job - related duties done , he decided to make the best of his trip and travel around the country . He had entered the interior of the gigantic desert when he went into a small village . It was barely modernized at all , this being the late 1960 's . A small group of tradition - followers in the town still believed an unusual old legend that one of the gods would choose a man , and give him special powers to do their bidding with . There were equal chances of a benevolent or an evil deity doing this , and the people would not know until it was done . My father said he found a crowd in the middle of town that was rioting over a man in the middle of the pack . They all looked fearful and upset . " He looked a little strange . " my dad would say . " He was dressed all old - fashioned and he was very dirty . He looked like he had been homeless for a long time . " My dad was not afraid of anything , so he walked through the crowd , right up to the man . They talked for a few tense moments and the crowd became even more uncivil . Then , the man suddenly swiped his fingers across my dad 's face and it started bleeding like he was cut with several knives . The stranger disappeared into the crowd while everyone was still stunned by the damage he had caused . The village doctor tried his best to remedy the damage , and he stitched the wounds up and applied medicines and poultices to them , but the scars were especially hard to get rid of , and they never quite went away . Father said he never thought the old Egyptian legend was true until that day . - – – – – – - A few years ago , I bought a beautiful lakefront house in Maine with my fiancé Kelly . We met our next door neighbors quickly and talked to them a few times . A real estate agent was living just five minutes down from us , but since she had just moved there that day herself , she had not started selling houses in the area yet . After we got settled in , I decided it would be best if we stocked up the cupboards with some groceries from the town . We went out on the old , dusty roads to the local market . Close by , the house of the new real - estate agent stood quietly . It looked like a wreck , considering someone in that job department should really care about keeping their house in good shape , but I wrote it off as being a good deal , a " fixer - upper " in their terms . The market was a few miles away . I couldn 't believe how small our town was . They thought that a few empty buildings , some railroad tracks , and three businesses counted as a town ? I found it ironic and funny . Still , the little market had some good food if you looked hard enough , and the town was full of quaint charm . We walked into the market , and I took a glance at its old , whitewashed sign . Lakeside Market 's sign was a staple of the village , possibly its most defining feature . Kelly and I shopped for a while , picking up many cans of soup with expiration dates four years from the day . " Never know when you 'll get a blizzard , " said Kelly . " We might as well be prepared . " I laughed , thinking about the Boy Scouts . I turned a corner and bumped into a middle - aged couple with the shopping cart . After apologizing , we started to talk . The wife had frizzy blonde hair , and her husband had long , unkempt , brown hair . Although the wife looked fairly presentable , her partner was mangy , with brown splotches and bits of dirt on his skin . He barely moved and did not talk at all . Perhaps he was mentally slow . " Hello . I am Martha Salbert , and this is my husband Joe Salbert . Pleased to meet you . " Martha said , enunciating way too much for my taste . " Nice to meet you too . This is Kelly , my girlfriend . I 'm Thomas . We just moved to the area . What 's your job around here ? " I asked . She looked off to the left . " I am a real - estate agent up on Howard Road . It makes a good living these days , " replied Martha . Everyone was silent for a second too long . " I think we have to go . We still have a lot of unpacking to do . " I said , drumming up whatever excuse I could think of to leave . Kelly gave me a dirty look . " Bye , then . " Said Martha . Joe did not move or say anything . Something about the extremely polite wife and the quiet , dirty husband made me feel a bit uneasy . I wondered how they could possibly find each other attractive or interesting . The drive back home was uneventful , but I noticed how hard it was to find your way around in the countryside . The roads twist and turn a lot and can even go in circles much more easily than you 'd think . Even though they look straight , if you don 't have directions , you can easily miss your destination . The lake looked very fresh and pretty as I drove by . It was like a calm , blue - tinted mirror . I listened to my favorite radio station , and it felt very nice to be alone . Even in my old car , the country roads zoomed by pleasingly . I started to relax and think whatever random thoughts that would cross my mind . It was great to not work for three whole days in a row . I definitely deserved the break , after working so hard in the city for such a long time . Abruptly , the strange Salbert house went by . My stomach churned and my daydreaming ceased . I stopped the car , just to prove I wasn 't a sissy for being afraid of my neighbor 's house . I could just picture my friends laughing at me for being scared of a dumpy old building . It looked more like it belonged in a South Carolina trailer park then a nice country town in New England . I just could not understand why a real estate agent would be so negligent . There was even more garbage sitting around in the yard than there was when I had first moved in . I looked at the tire swing hanging from an old oak tree and the roof of the house , bent like it was about to cave in . The only reason I could drum up for the property was that the wife was either a bad real - estate agent or not one at all . The center of town was in sight ten minutes later . While I was there , I thought I 'd get myself a book or two from the library . It was a small place , with a very quiet librarian . She only said one word to me during the whole exchange , and the strangest thing was that you did not even need a library card . I was starting to think there was no government at all in the town , almost like the Old West . I went over to the pub for a light beer . It was the only place in the area that I had not frequented yet , aside from the church . The building was very old , even older than the supermarket . There were two locals sitting next to me . I sipped on my drink and struck up a conversation . They were quiet . " Ain 't bad , " said the older man . " I just want the old Episcopal back . Don 't you , Harvey ? " His friend grunted expressionlessly . " Are there ever police around here ? " I wondered aloud . " What sort of trouble did he get in ? " I asked . " Ticketed , I think , " replied the man . " What do you think a ' this place ? " " It 's interesting , " I said , uneasily . After the bar , I picked up some medicine at the market and noticed some people at both the library and the drug store were whispering about a bus accident . I joined in one of the conversation circles . There was conflicting information about the accident . For some reason , everyone was arguing over whether the driver was crazy or not . I didn 't really care too much , considering that anything would be big news in a small town like this . I thought about Harvey and his friend and missed them and their somewhat warm personalities . When I finally looked at my watch again and peered outside , I was quite surprised . The sun was hanging low in the sky , looking like a big tomato . I hurried to my car and floored the engine again , not a bit afraid of police . Night quickly started to fall . It falls thick in New England . The crickets and cicadas chirped and buzzled like a church chorus . The color of the sky changed from pink , to light violet , to an electric blue , to ultramarine blue and finally to a stiff lightless black . I found myself driving this way and that on the aged country roads . It was getting so dark that I could hardly make out where I even was . I kept driving in circles and prayed that my internal compass would lead me to safety . A time or two , I even saw a bright , shiny pair of eyes on the side of the road . I found myself praying that they belonged to an animal and not a person . There was barely a house anywhere , and most of the habitations were perched high on hills , a long ways from the road . None of the roads felt safe , and comfort was nowhere to be found . I thought about how Kelly must be wondering where I was . She probably thought I was cheating on her or drinking at the bar . One of those was true . I worried my heart out over her and hoped she wasn 't getting sicker . The stars came out bright , as the sun had long since disappeared under the horizon . This far out in the country , streetlights were a rare sight , so I had to use the dusty headlights on my car . They were hardly brighter than household light bulbs . I kept worrying and driving around for an exceptionally long time , terrified to look at my watch , as it seemed it would make it earlier if I didn 't . The gas gauge was starting to deplete . That was my final warning sign that I should ask someone for help . If I ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere , odds are no one except Kelly could help me . I had to get over my resistance and fear to asking the country folk for directions . The car came to a halt at the end of a dirt driveway . I repeatedly told myself that it would be fine to ask a stranger for directions at night , but I couldn 't believe myself . After deliberating for much too long , I walked out of the car , up a brown dirt driveway , and onto someone 's doorstep . Knock Knock . There was a tense moment of suspense , with me strongly regretting stopping the car . I backed up a few feet , trying to be less of a threat . An old man flung the door open . He had a huge white beard and steel - grey eyes . He was as dirty as a wolf , and looked a lot like one . In his hands was a rusty old double barreled shotgun , which he pointed at my feet . My heart jumped out of my mouth . After walking to my car , I drove on for another few minutes and finally looked at my watch . It was ten o ' clock . I tried to keep myself calm , but failed . Fog settled everywhere , making it even harder to understand the roads . Driving this late was hell . About twenty minutes later , I , once again , stepped out of the car . The gas gauge had been on empty forever and the motor sounded junky like it was a minute away from running out of gas . Hardly seeing a thing in the darkness , I tried my best to walk up a path onto someone 's doorstep . Waves quietly hit the shore of a lake , giving me a little more courage . It felt nice to know I had found the lake , as long as it was the right lake in the first place . Even if I was on the wrong side of it , I could bet I 'd find our house eventually , probably by walking . My silent prayers were answered . Nobody responded . Just to make sure the house was empty , I walked over to the drapes , since it looked like a dim light was on inside the house . I awkwardly peered through a hole in the drapes , and to my astonishment the house was entirely empty . Pristinely empty . The only thing in it except the floors and walls was a little wooden trapdoor in the hallway . It stood out clearly against the tile floor of the featureless kitchen . A single light bulb hung down from the top of the living room . I stared uneasily at the trapdoor . What was behind it ? This town was overflowing with mysteries . I felt curious and nervous . Why would the house have nothing else in it ? Did it go underground ? Maybe someone lived under the house all the time . I couldn 't tell for sure , because the trapdoor never opened or moved . I puzzled over the biggest question . Slowly inching away from the drapes , I saw a security light turn on , illuminating the entire property . I instantly realized the oak tree and rope swing . The house was Martha and Joe Salbert 's . I ran back to the car as quickly as I could , and sped away . The car ran out of gas right before it pulled into the driveway . I walked into the house and explained to Kelly that I had gotten terribly lost . " Would you mind helping me push the car out of the road ? " I inquired . " No … I 'm too tired , " she replied , laying quietly in the bed . It was clear she had become sicker during the day . She was now essentially bedridden . I felt sorry I couldn 't get her the medicine sooner . After pushing the car halfway into the driveway alone and filling it up with a gas tank from the garage , I went to sleep and tried to sort out the many strange events that had transpired in the course of the day . Sunday morning , I awoke and got Kelly some breakfast . We ate it together , and started chatting . She was feeling good enough to walk over to the kitchen table . A newspaper sat next to my plate . " Well , the driver said the bus hit somebody , but there was no body to be found . It seems strange to me . I feel like you should go there and maybe figure out what happened . Even though the authorities say the man was delirious , there 's a chance they could be lying . I just don 't believe the official account . I don 't think they even investigated the entire area . " " If you 're spending all that time out in town , it shouldn 't be much of a problem to go out a little further and investigate it . I 'll bet the evidence of the crash is still pretty fresh . " She looked at me pleadingly . I couldn 't resist . " Okay , then . I 'll be back as soon as I 'm done . " I said , sounding a tad surer . I grabbed my light jacket and started to walk out the door . She beckoned me back over . " See you later . " Kelly kissed me on the cheek . - – – – – – – – - I drove back to the bar and had a glass of iced tea . Harvey was there without any friends . " Hey , " I said . He looked up from the ground , and became slightly happier after seeing my face . " Do you know where that accident happened ? " " The one yesterday , from the bus ? " he asked . " That one , " I confirmed . He computed the directions . " Over yonder , down that road . " He pointed . " Turn right after it turns into a Y . It will be big field , two hundred acres . " " Thanks , " I said . I finished the tea and followed the road out to the spot . It was sunny and bright out , the exact opposite of last night . Bugs hopped around on the long grass . Different - colored bushes grew spottily in the grass . The fields seemed to go on on forever , and I was happy to be in a pleasant part of the countryside . I found exactly where the event took place about a hundred yards in front of my car . Some very short skid marks were conspicuously present on the road . They definitely belonged to a bus . If the driver of the bus had seen the person he was about to hit , he would have slammed the brakes for longer than a few feet . Buses do not stop on a dime by themselves . I considered the possibilities that would make the skid marks only a yard long . Maybe someone had jumped out of the ditch and nearly hit the bus as it tried to stop . The driver could have been distracted and not tried to stop until he 'd nearly hit the person . An operator in a professional bus company would definitely never hit someone on purpose , and it was easy to see a person walking on this road . Maybe there wasn 't any person at all . Maybe the driver was just crazy . I wondered why my partner would care so much about the details . There clearly was not a dead body or any missing people in the town . Walking back towards my car , there was a bend in the road , and a tiny patch of tire rubber there apparently belonging to the bus , not big enough to show that anyone had really slammed the brakes . If the driver had been speeding excessively , he would have really had to slow down for that turn to avoid toppling over . That ruled out very high speeds as a possibility , although it didn 't entirely rule out slight speeding . There was one problem with my hypothesis . As I went back to the first skid marks on the straightaway , I noticed one drop of blood on the road . It was not exceptionally fresh . How could a bus hit a man and only spill one drop of blood ? No blood , or lots of blood on the road would make sense . But one drop ? How could a person get hit by a bus and run away that quickly ? How could he not be identified at a hospital ? I looked for evidence in the roadside ditch , but still didn 't see anything showing that there was a man involved . It was impossible to tell if there were footprints or not in the murky water . I did know that the authorities were wrong in thinking the driver was insane , though . I knew enough about forensics to prove that the spot of blood was caused by someone on the ground , not a person driving the bus . I walked along further . Suddenly , in the ditch , I came across some evidence . A red brake light from the bus sat on a dry area of grass . As I picked it up , I noticed something extraordinary ; it was still acting like it was on the bus . Even though no electricity was running it , the light would flash on and off in a predictable pattern . I turned it over and could find no battery . I knew that flasher batteries were externally powered anyways . It was fascinating . First , the light would turn on for a second like it was braking lightly . Then , it would turn off , meaning the brakes were not being used . Finally , it would turn on for a split second , then quickly oscillate , like the electrical system was being fried . My new idea was the bus slowed down for the turn , then slammed the brakes for a second as it hit a big animal . That theory had its faults , too . However , my new theory was about to be replaced by one much more sinister . As I walked towards the skid marks again , I decided I would quickly check the fields beside the road for evidence . I walked out about twenty feet and meandered for a while , looking in the very deep , encompassing grass . The soil mushed under me as I stepped , making a squishy sound . My heart stopped . I almost stepped on something . A dead body , laying deep in the grass . The man 's hand was right under my foot , but his battered face was barely visible in the tall grass in front of me . I ran back to the road and into the safety of my car , mind reeling . I panted , heart beating like I was about to die . Up ahead , there was a small disturbance in the grass ahead . Holding my breath , I noticed a mysterious figure rise up and slog away into the bushes . " I 'm going crazy , " I said to myself . Making a sloppy U - turn , I headed back down the road . Everything felt so surreal that I could barely even start to process it . The man clearly looked dead , but he sure didn 't act that way . Back in the town , I pulled into the pub parking lot , needing to calm down a little . The first thing I did after getting inside was buy a real drink . The familiar overweight older man was there , sitting on a stool . " Guess I never introduced myself properly last time . I 'm Howard , " he said . I smiled superficially and told him my name . " Are you alright ? " he asked . A cold wave went through me and I shook my head slowly . He frowned . " I know the feeling . Girlfriend cheating on you ? " he asked . " I know it wasn 't quite as they say it . Act ' ly , I knew the driver myself , and I kin say he is not crazy like they say he is . Facts are , the case doesn 't just make sense in the normal way . That 's how things are in this town . " Something was nagging at me . " What is the name of this town ? I haven 't seen a single sign , or picture , or anything anywhere to tell me what it is . It 's creepy , " I blurted . Howard laughed and opened his mouth to reply when he spotted Martha Salbert walking past the pub , crying . He watched her closely through all the windows until she went out of view . " Tell me , Thomas . What happened ? Did you go to the crime scene ? " " Crime scene ? " I muttered under my breath . " Umm , " I said , louder . " Yeah , and it wasn 't right . Everything about it felt kind of surreal . " Howard winked . " That is your problem , " he said , pointing to the last spot Martha had been . " They 've been here longer than two days , I 'll tell you . Lucas , get my bud here a double of vodka . " I thought about complaining that I don 't drink vodka but kept quiet instead . When the glass appeared I drank it quickly and felt a burn in the back of my throat . The world soon began spinning slowly under me as I swayed slightly from side to side . " I have to go , " I said , suddenly determined . " Kelly needs my attention . She 's sick and she hasn 't heard a thing from me . " " There 's a payphone over there , " said Howard . " No , I should get back home . " I stood up and tried to walk towards the front door but collided into the counter . " You ain 't gonna get home safe , " said my friend . " I 'll drive ya . " Ten minutes later , I was in Howard 's car . We discussed my explorations as I slowly became more sober . " I saw a brake light that was still going on and off . I even remember the pattern . " After explaining the flashing pattern , I took the brake light out of my pocket and stared at it . It didn 't turn on at all . " Hmm , " I said . " It was working . " Doubtful , Howard chuckled . " What else ? " " There were two sets of tire marks , and I found a dead person in the grass . " " He was laying face down and looked injured , " I replied . " That is weird , " replied Howard . " Oh , we missed a turn , " I noted . Trees and vines abounded everywhere , making the world feel like a natural prison cell . Howard stopped and looked intently at the woods . Up ahead , peering through two trees , was Joe Salbert 's face . It was bloody and discolored , staring at us ferociously . " Is that … " said Howard , terrified . " Drive , just drive ! " I moaned . He backed the car up and swung it around as quickly as possible . We saw no more of Joe Salbert . After getting on the correct road , it only took a minute for Howard to find the house . " Do you want to come in for a bit ? " I asked , partially because I was feeling vulnerable . Howard shook his head vigorously . He sped off in the opposite direction of the Salbert house and the visage apparition we had just seen . Back at the house , Kelly was in bed again , quite unwell . I decided at first to ignore anything important and instead get over the shock by thinking about mundane things , but the picture wouldn 't get out of my head . Joe Salbert 's bloody face had been permanently imprinted into my eyes like a cattle brand . I couldn 't even think . It was that jarring . I made Kelly some chicken soup and was alone with myself for a few minutes . I didn 't feel like I could call the police , since they would be too suspicious of me . Besides , there was no evidence anymore of anything except me being crazy , especially since the ' dead ' body had disappeared . I brought the soup to Kelly , who took it gladly . " Look at this , " she said , showing me two pictures of the bus after the accident . The whole front of the bus had crumpled up . It looked like it had sustained enough force to kill any animal . But which animal would only spill a drop of blood from being hit by a bus ? The second was of the back of the bus . I felt an appreciatively eerie feeling as I noticed the missing brake light . " I have that brake light , " I said , taking it out again and putting it on the bed next to Kelly . It was still . I explained everything to her , even though it sounded crazy . There was a scraping sound outside . " I don 't get it . You 're not … crazy or anything , but that just makes no sense , " complained Kelly . " How could he just get up ? And why would Salbert be out in the middle of the woods with a bloody face ? " " No . That bus was crumpled up like it hit something a lot heavier than thin little Joe Salbert . And even if he was dead , he wouldn 't just get up and run away . That must have been a different person , maybe a prankster . " " Sorry , I know who it was , " I said , obliviously . Kelly shook her head in disbelief . " You should just rest a while and stay out of town , " she recommended . I sat there silently for a minute . It was all making sense to me . " It 's the curse , the Egyptian - wait . Look - the light is flashing again ! " A moment later , the disgusting face of Joe Salbert shown murderously outside the bedroom window . I felt like I was going to puke . Blood rushed to my head as it spun around . I felt so dizzy . Kelly screamed and told me to chase the intruder out . I couldn 't move , immobilized by dark energy . As soon as I could , I summoned up enough power to go into the kitchen and grab a knife . It felt woefully inadequate . The bedroom window shattered and an ugly arm stuck through it while my partner screamed . With surprising courage , I ran up to it and sliced it strongly . As the arm started to bleed , it retracted back . I ran around to the front door and opened it . Joe sprinted up the hill , back to his house , at a breakneck speed , faster than I had ever seen before . I felt enraged at him , unable to catch him . " Kelly , " I said , collapsing onto the bed . " I have some important news to tell you . " She looked incredibly uneasy . Her expression told me to go on . " Joe Salbert is not a normal man . We have to get out of here right now . I didn 't have any more time for explaining . " I picked Kelly right up off the bed , and started to walk towards the car . She was obviously confused . After putting her in the backseat , I took a splitting axe out from the garage and put it in the passenger 's seat . I turned the car key . Rit Rit Rit " Come on ! " I shouted . I pounded the dashboard and turned the key again . The car started . I slammed the accelerator pedal down and spun the wheels . The car gained traction and sped off down the road . Within a minute and a half , I was again in front of the Salbert 's house , except something was different this time . A police car , sirens on , sat in the driveway . The front door was open . " Wait here , " I said , receiving no response . Grabbing the wooden axe , I walked up the driveway and through the front door . Martha Salbert lay on her stomach in the living room , injured . " Martha ? " I asked , crouching down . " He just … hasn 't been the same since he got in a fight … " Blood poured onto the carpet from her stomach . " With who ? " I asked . Her condition was getting worse by the second . " With … " she coughed futilely . I waited , empathetic with her plight but anxious to know what she would say . " That Egyptian man … at the … " Her face fell back on the floor and she lost consciousness . I pressed on further into the house . In the kitchen , the trapdoor was open . A ladder went down into the shadowy basement , which I descended quickly . The basement was a single large room , full of objects and boxes . In the corner , I saw a policeman trying to arrest the unarmed Joe Salbert , bloody face and all . " Put your hands up ! " he shouted , shining the flashlight at his face . The assailant quickly slashed him in the face and pushed him over . The officer 's gun discharged but missed its target . Joe ran past with impossible speed and disappeared after climbing up the ladder . " Are you alright ? " I asked , walking over to the severely bleeding officer . Something about the event suddenly fit together in my head . The policeman mumbled words but was too shocked to say anything to me . I grabbed his pistol off the ground and put it in my pocket , then took his radio and spoke into it . I found his badge and name while I talked . " Affirmative . We are dispatching backup and an ambulance right now . Who is this ? " said a voice . " A friendly neighbor , " I replied , putting the phone back on Officer Martez 's belt . I ascended the ladder and pulled myself up onto the kitchen floor . The crazed maniac suddenly appeared from around a corner and tried to shove me back into the basement , but used too much force and pushed me further into the kitchen instead . I pulled out the pistol and fired at Joe Salbert , hitting him three times and slowing his pursuit . He approached me , slashing at my chest , but I dodged the strikes by jumping backwards . Out of ammo , I threw the gun and hit him in the stomach . Joe stepped backwards quickly as I readied the axe over my shoulder . Quickly , the attacker stepped up and sliced across my arm with his razor - sharp fingers . I grunted , hurt , and swung the axe down over his head , splitting it like a piece of wood . Joe Salbert dropped onto the floor like a sack of potatoes . Temporarily losing my sanity from the acute stress , I chopped his neck in two , ending his life . Feeling disgusted , I dropped the axe and went into the living room . Martha was stone cold dead . Out the front door , I could clearly see my car . Up the road a ways , the ambulance drove towards the scene to pick up the survivors . The backseat of my car was empty . " Kelly , where are you ? " I yelled , with my last conscious breath . I fainted , falling onto the grass . |
" How are you feeling today , Joan ? " Dr . Morton Ayles smiled and tried to look politely interested , but Joan knew that he didn 't care . He was just the latest in a long line of psychologists and psychiatrists and other head - shrinkers , none of whom ever seemed to do her any good . " All right ; we 'll adjust the dosage , and if that doesn 't solve the problem we 'll try another med . " He settled back into his chair and Joan knew that he was going on auto - pilot , asking the requisite questions for which she would give the expected replies . She knew that she would not tell him the truth , that she dared not . He might think she was crazy . After an hour or so she left the offce and stepped onto the busy streets of downtown Chicago , no more assured of her sanity than she had been when she had arrived . Trotting up the steps to the elevated train station , she almost ran into a young black man dressed in a pullover sweatshirt . He rushed past her without a word , but then turned to look at her for the briefest of moments . . . and Joan Kelleigh fainted dead away . When she came to there was a crowd of concerned people gathered around her . A blue - shirted police officer was kneeling over her , saying , " Miss ? Are you okay ? " " No , I 'm okay . Really . It 's just the medication I 'm on , sometimes it does funny things . That 's why I don 't drive . " She avoided his eyes , not wanting to lie but having no choice . He looked at her for a moment before nodding and helping her to her feet . " All right , but you should probably see a doctor . Sounds like whatever medicine you 're on doesn 't work real well . " Joan thanked him and turned to one of the open doors on the train , her legs unsteady as a newborn deer 's , her mind unable to extinguish what she had seen in the man 's eyes . Hatred . Fear . Murder . Later that night , she was utterly unsurprised when she saw the man 's face on a news bulletin . The man - one James Hulbert - was suspected in the murders of his ex - wife and their eleven - month - old daughter . And then , for the umpteenth night in a row , she cried herself to sleep with the voices of the dead screaming in her ears and lancing through her brain . She walked over the same six - foot stretch of floor countless times as morning had turned to afternoon , and afternoon to evening , rarely varying her steps as worry consumed her mind . Jack and Johnny had been gone since six o ' clock in the morning , following up on a lead regarding a cursed bellows that Lewis had sold in 1982 . It had passed through dozens of owners since then and had been nearly impossible to track , but they had gotten lucky when Jack had found some of Lewis ' research files hidden away in the Vault . It turned out that the bellows allowed a small fire to become a huge one without any damning evidence . . . so long as someone died in the blaze . Micki turned around and looked at the storefront windows in disgust , watching the snow outside rush angrily past . The weather was miserable , and she hoped that the Mercedes had not gotten stuck somewhere . Taking a few steps off her trodden path , she flipped on the television set that Johnny had lugged down from the kitchen and waited for the local news to come on . Unconsciously she raised a hand to her mouth and began chewing her fingernail , something she had not done since grade school . Johnny had been back for only two weeks , and this was the first time that he and Jack had gone out alone to recover one of the antiques since that horrible night almost a month before . Johnny had pointed out that a series of mysterious fires had taken place down in the warehouse district , and all had involved at least one person 's death . Most of the buildings burned were owned by Douglas Giles , a business tycoon who had recently fallen on hard times ; the insurance payoffs were enough to keep his corporate empire afloat , Jack figured , and to a businessman the loss of a few lives was of little importance . Micki looked at the clock ; 6 : 24 p . m . She had turned to resume her pacing when she heard a car door slam outside , and then saw Jack and Johnny rush through the front door , a large black item cradled in Jack 's arms . Both men were winded but looked grimly satisfied . " Giles never knew we were there . We managed to get the bellows out of his office after everyone left for the day ; that 's why it took so long . I would have called but there was no telephone nearby . " Jack pulled off his heavy coat and exhaled heavily . A look of annoyance - and maybe a touch of guilt - crept into Jack 's eyes . " Johnny and I didn 't have any problems cooped up in a car together all day , if that 's what you mean . Lord , I 'm getting too old for this . " " Less productive than yours . Only had two customers , nothing important in the mail ; pretty boring , actually . " Micki started up the stairs . " I 'll get dinner started . " The woman slowly walked up the steps to the main part of the store , looking at the various knickknacks that lined the shelves . " Are you looking for anything in particular ? " Jack asked . " Hm ? No , not really . I 'm just kind of . . . oh , hell , I just wanted to say hello . " She looked him firmly in the eye and stuck out her right hand . " So , hello . " Joan opened her eyes and saw that , indeed , it was a comfortable couch . There were three people standing several feet away , conferring quietly on the far side of a desk . One was the man she had met earlier , but the other two must have been upstairs when she had come into the store . The young man glanced in her direction and said , " She 's awake . " " I 'm okay . It 's just my medication . " She carefully got to her feet and said , " I 'm sorry if I scared you . Look , I really should go . " Without another word she brushed past all three of them and walked quickly toward the front door , not even slowing down as she bolted outside . A minute later , they could see the outline of a white car drive past the windows and off into the night . This one had been the worst by far . Whatever had happened to that man in the store had been so bad that it had marked his soul for eternity , far more openly than anyone else she had ever encountered . As she pulled to a stop , for just a moment she wished that she had stayed and tried to explain what had happened . . . but that was a silly , irrational thought , and nobody would ever believe her , anyway . Johnny woke to the sound of gentle applause . . . and , more importantly , the aroma of coffee . He had slept on the couch at Curious Goods ; the storm had turned into a full - blown blizzard , and his Thunderbird wasn 't up to the task of getting him home the night before . Pushing the covers off , he looked up from his place on the couch to see Micki hunched over the desk , flipping through the Manifest with a pad of paper held in her left hand . As he stood and yawned , she turned around and started pouring a cup for him . " Good morning . " Johnny set his cup down with a thud , signaling clearly that this topic of conversation was over . " Micki , this isn 't the time or the place . I 'll deal with it . . . but only when I 'm damn good and ready . I 'm sorry , but that 's just the way it is . " He looked down at the floor , forcing his mouth to stay closed as things he really wanted to say came bubbling up again . . . but he just emptied his cup and sat down , scribbling a few story ideas on a pad of paper . Almost two hours passed in near - silence before Jack Marshak walked up the basement steps , seemingly too small to fit his tweed jacket . He poured a cup of coffee and sipped at it , startling both of his friends ( who had seen him drink coffee only once before ) as he leaned on the desk . " I see we 've been busy . " " Good . Johnny , how about you stay here and mind the store ; today shouldn 't be too busy , hmm ? " Jack patted Johnny on his shoulder , but the sign of reassurance was less than enthusiastic . " Right . No problem . " Johnny looked on silently as Jack and Micki bundled up and trodded out into the cold , his mind numb with the thought of spending another day in the store alone . He hated the place , always had . . . but this was something he had to endure . It won 't last forever , he thought grimly as the Mercedes pulled away from the curb , leaving him alone with the dust and the various antiques lining the shelves . It was just after noon when the front door swung open and a blizzard stumbled inside , followed by a slender figure bundled up in a white parka . The figure shoved the door closed and then pushed its hood back , revealing the face of the previous night 's visitor . " Damn , it 's a mess out there , " she said , walking up the steps toward Johnny as she unzipped her coat . " Kelleigh . Joan Kelleigh . " She extended her hand but did not look at him , instead sending her gaze roving across the shelves . " Nice place you 've got here . " " Whatever you say , Miss Kelleigh . I don 't want to pry , but are you okay ? I mean , you ran out of here awfully fast last night . " " Yeah , I 'm fine . I 'm on medication that screws up my equilibrium ; sometimes it fluctuates enough to make me pass out . " The woman draped her coat over the back of the chair and sat down . " Do you mind ? I 've been on my feet all morning . Introducing myself to the neighborhood . " " Sure . " Johnny sat down opposite her and studied her face ; the guarded expression , the dark patches under her eyes , the way she turned her gaze to anything in the store except him . " Introducing yourself ? What , like you just moved in ? " " Yeah , I bought the store next door last week . I 'm planning on opening a little bookstore . You know , rare , out - of - print , one - of - a - kind items . " She allowed a small smile to slip onto her face . " I 've wanted to do something like this for a long time . " " Really ? " The woman 's gaze turned to him for the first time , wandering up and down his lanky form . A bemused tone had crept into her voice when she said , " I thought you 'd be more of the blue - collar type . You know , construction worker , mechanic , something like that when you 're not here . " A reddish tinge touched her cheeks . " I don 't know . . . I guess you just remind me of the people my father used to work with . He worked on a lot of buildings all over the city . I 'm sorry if I offended you . " " No problem . I used to be a mechanic full - time ; I still do a little auto work when money gets tight , but now I work here most of the time . It 's . . . pretty quiet , and I get a lot of time to practice my writing . " " Uh . . . nothing yet , actually . " The two of them shared a chuckle before he continued . " I 'm still shipping my stories around and crossing my fingers . It 'll happen someday . " Joan picked up one of the oddest items in the store , an authentic shrunken head on a wooden post . " You should certainly have enough inspiration with this stuff . . . if you write horror stories . This place could give Stephen King nightmares . " By the time Micki and Jack returned it was after dark , and Johnny was beginning to feel as if he had just rediscovered an old friend he had lost touch with many years ago . He and Miss Kelleigh had both grown up on the South Side , both were from religious families ( hers Irish , his Italian , both Catholic ) who had long traditions of blue - collar work . Johnny was about a year younger than Joan ; they had actually attended St . Thomas High School at the same time , but had never met ( which surprised neither of them because the school had almost six hundred students ) . They were on their second pot of tea when the door chimes rang and Micki rushed inside , followed a moment later by Jack . " It 's still miserable out there , " Micki said , shaking her shoulders as she removed her heavy parka . " Weatherman says that it 's supposed to clear up by tomorrow afternoon , " Johnny said , standing up to take Micki 's coat . " Micki , Jack , I 'd like you to meet Joan Kelleigh . She 's our new neighbor . " " I 'm fine , just a bad reaction to . . . " Joan 's voice trailed off as her gaze was drawn to the bag . Tiny wisps of black smoke were crawling past where it had been closed , and the sides had begun to pulse slowly inward and outward as if the sack were breathing . She slammed her eyes closed , trying to will away the vision , thinking desperately , This isn 't real , not now , come on , girl , keep it together , at least for a few more minutes . " . . . to the medicine . I 'm okay now . " None of the other people in the room seemed to notice , even when the stench of whatever was inside the sack crawled into her nostrils . " Well , that 's good to know . What are you going to do with Fiorno 's old place ? " Micki asked , blissfully unaware that a tendril of blackness was clinging to her chin and crawling into her mouth . " I . . . uh , I 'm opening a bookstore . Used , out - of - print . . . " Joan saw the tendril sprout a mouth with savagely jagged teeth , a mouth impossibly wide that sank its fangs into Micki 's tongue just as she took a drink of tea . Her knees went watery as she slid back into her chair , her eyes fixed on the clear patch of desk in front of her . " Joan ? Hey , are you okay ? " Johnny knelt beside her , but she didn 't even notice he was there ; all she knew was that the visions had never been like this before , and she wanted them to go away . He snapped his fingers in front of her eyes , but she didn 't even blink . " Jesus , Jack , I think we 'd better call a doctor or something - " " NO ! " Joan pushed Johnny away savagely , sending him to the floor along with half of the stuff on the desk . . . including the sack , which tore open and disgorged its prize : a small coin bank that had a dog jumping through a hoop to deposit each coin . As her gaze came to it , Joan found herself looking not at the bank itself , but at the void that surrounded it in a sort of black aura . It was the worst thing she had ever seen , even more horrible than the misery in the eyes of Jack Marshak . It was as if the very fabric of reality was being corrupted , tainted , by the very presence of the coin bank . Wisps of blackness streamed across the floor , covering the desk and rug in inky tendrils that clung to everything . Johnny watched Joan 's eyes roll back in her head as she went limp in the chair . He lowered her gently to the floor as Jack dialed 911 , not understanding anything that had just happened . . . until his gaze came to rest on the bank . Then some part of him - the writer , the creative area that makes all the odd connections in the mind - had an idea of what had happened . " Jack , hang up . She 'll be okay . Micki , take the bank down to the Vault . " " She knows there 's something evil here , something wrong . She can sense it - see it , maybe smell or taste it , I don 't know - and she can react to it . She sure as hell knew there was something wrong with the coin bank . " The memories returned and she sat up quickly , her head pivoting , her eyes looking for the black tendrils . Gone , she thought with relief . They 're gone . Shs shook her head , pulling away from his grasp . " No , I 'm just having trouble with the dosage . It 's like I told you already - " " You knew there was something with whatever was in the sack before you set eyes upon it . You can feel that there 's something wrong here , but you just don 't want to admit it . You 'll think we 'll say you 're crazy , that you need help . " Johnny stood up and walked a few steps toward the back of the store . " We all need help . I 've thought I was going crazy a lot of times , mostly since I started working here . " I 've seen things that you wouldn 't believe . I 've seen things that would drive most people crazy , done things that are impossible . I 've been working here a year and a half and I 've seen dozens of people killed , maybe hundreds , and all because somebody made a mistake and ended up doing the wrong thing . I 've travelled back in time - twice - and made it back . I 've brought my own father back from the dead and then killed him again . All three of us have seen these things . . . because we 're trying to stop them from happening . " Now , do you think that I could tell that to anyone ? I 'd be committed , locked up until my hair was gone and I only had a marble or two left rolling around upstairs . Jesus , I haven 't been able to talk to anybody but Jack and Micki . . . and lately , not even them . I feel like I 'm losing my mind sometimes . Anyone I actually told all this to would think I 'm crazy . . . but I know it happened . I know it 's real . " Joan was quiet for a long few minutes . " I haven 't told anyone about this in a long time . The only time I did , I was put in a psychiatric ward for ten weeks . I was sixteen , and my dad had just bought me a car ; it was a beat - up piece of shit , a Pinto , but it ran good and he 'd put a lot of work into it . I 'd only had it for a few months when I was driving to Calumet City to meet a friend and was sideswiped by a Mack truck . The car went up and over a railing , then down a forty - foot drop and into a concrete support . " It 's a miracle I wasn 't killed instantly . They had to cut the car apart to get me out , and I almost died of shock by the time they did . I was in a coma for thirteen days , and the doctors thought I might have severe brain damage . A splinter of bone was forced deep into my left frontal lobe ; there was no way they could get it out , so all anyone could do was hope and pray that I 'd be all right . After I woke up I was in the hospital for almost three more months as my other injuries healed . " Brain injuries are funny because there 's no set pattern as to what will happen . Some people are barely affected by trauma to the brain , but some can 't even move , they 're so sick . I was that second type ; I puked for weeks after the accident , and the headaches were blinding . I could hardly move , let alone walk or talk coherently , but after a while the pain and nausea went away and I got to feeling almost normal . " She took a deep breath before she went on , shuddering slightly as she exhaled . " The first time it happened was at my high school graduation . I walked up onto the stage , went over to the principal . . . and I saw something moving in the pupils of his eyes . Like worms , but more fluid , more sinuous . I passed out right there and woke up in the hospital . I never mentioned what I 'd seen , not even when I found out the next year that the principal had a history of touching little boys and girls in places that nobody should . " It started happening more and more frequently after that , and by my junior year of college I had to be committed . I tried telling the doctors about what I saw , but none of them ever believed me ; they just put me on medication . According to them , I 've had depression , manic - depression , schizophrenia , and a dozen other mental diseases . . . but nothing the doctors ever did has helped me . So I quit telling them the truth and told them what they wanted to hear . They called me cured and sent me on my merry way with a smile and a bottle of Prozac or whatever and I was at the same place as before . " It 's that bone splinter , that 's what did it . It was driven like a nail deep into the left frontal lobe of my brain - " she tapped her head " - and has been there ever since . That region of the brain is believed to control perception and vision , and whatever else the splinter did , it changed how I see things . I . . . can see evil . " She looked into the faces of the three people near her , a lost look etched on her face . " It 's the only thing I 've ever been able to come up with for an explanation . It only happens sometimes , and not even with the same people from day to day . . . but it always happens . It usually shows up in their eyes , either the evil they 've already done or what they 're going to do or the evil that 's been done to them , and it terrifies me . I can 't sleep , I can hardly eat . . . I 'm falling apart because of it . " The only thing that makes it better is when I read . Doesn 't matter what , so long as I haven 't read it before . That 's why I wanted a bookstore in this area , you see ; I didn 't want to be bothered with a lot of customers , and if I 'm always getting new stock in , I 'd never run out of things to read . My dad left me a pretty big insurance policy when he died , and I 've been saving for this for a few years . " Jack answered quietly , " No more than we are , " and then began to tell her the long and sordid history of Curious Goods , formerly known as Vendredi 's Antiques . He told her about the curse , about their efforts to recover all of the objects and the price they had paid . Occasionally Micki or Johnny would pick up the tale for a few minutes , but it always came back to Jack . " . . . and that 's why we 're all still here . There are still many antiques out there , but we can 't stop until we get them all back . " " If you 're crazy , so are we . " Johnny sat down next to Joan and placed a fresh cup of tea into her hands . " I can see why you passed out earlier . " Joan drank deeply , welcoming the hot liquid . " It 's gone now . I saw it earlier , coming out of the sack . That was one of the . . . cursed items ? " she said unsteadily . " Yes . We don 't think it was ever used for evil . . . but we 'll never really know . We 're not even sure what its curse is . Lewis only kept records on some of the objects , and we 've never figured out what many of them give their owners . " Jack set down his own cup and looked gravely at Joan . " Miss Kelleigh , I have to ask you not to say anything about what we do here to anyone you know . It 's dangerous enough work as it is , and we 've had too many close calls in the past . " " Sure . . . no problem . Same goes for what I told you , though . " I can 't believe this is happening . Someone actually believes me . . . and they 've got a stranger tale than anything I could ever dream up , she thought . Her watch beeped , and automatically she dug into her pocket to take her medication . " No . . . but I 've never been into that New Age stuff . Dad always thought it was a load of crap . " She tipped two pills into her mouth and swallowed them with a mouthful of tea . " It might be able to help more than you think . I have a friend who runs a little shop ; he might be able to whip something up that might lessen the intensity and frequency of your visions . He 's very good , and besides , I 've been meaning to talk to him for a month . Now 's as good a time as any . I 'll give him a call tomorrow , maybe drop in on him . " Jack opened his mouth to speak , but a bone - cracking yawn crept out instead . He looked at one of the many clocks that adorned the walls and said , " Oh my , it 's getting rather late . We should probably continue this conversation tomorrow , seeing as how I 'm off to bed . " " Yes , very much . More than anyone deserves , especially after . . . " Micki 's cheeks flushed red as she abruptly looked away . " We 've all been through a lot over the past three years . " " I can believe that . " Joan yawned widely , then slowly stood up and stretched . " I think Jack had the right idea . I 'd better be going . " " Hold on . It 's probably safer if you stayed here for the night , " Johnny said . " The storm 's nowhere close to blowing itself out , and there 's a pretty comfortable bed upstairs in the kitchen . " Johnny looked to Micki for her approval , and she responded with the faintest nod . Joan was running through a field in the dark , her way lit only by a sliver of moonlight . Surrounding her , part of the black , were waving shapes that were not grass , were not any known living thing . . . but that were alive with their own power . Sometimes one came a little closer , tried to ensnare her with icy black tentacles , but she always pulled away and kept running toward the only thing visible in the field : a large set of iron doors that would be far more appropriate on some sort of demonic bank than in this darkness . As she approached them the shadows seemed to melt into the background , leaving only her and the doors . They were made of some coarse metal , not iron or steel but very tough nonetheless . As she ran her hand over the doors images of a thousand lives and deaths flashed through her mind , a cacophany of tactile and emotional sensations that had all been caused by whatever was behind them . Her hand reached out to pull them open when a voice rang out from behind her . The voice was deep and resonant , with just a hint of an accent that she could not place ( Scottish ? English ? ) . " There are things behind those doors , very dangerous things that pretty young women have no business knowing about . " Joan turned around and saw a man standing a few feet away , a man in his early fifties with wavy black hair that was just beginning to gray and a book held in his left hand . " Who are you ? What is this place ? " " Somewhere that doesn 't exist , except in the mind . Anybody can get here if they truly desire it . . . but so very few ever leave . It 's rather ironic , actually . " The man stepped closer and moved his hand through the air , gesturing as if he were grabbing something before holding out the closed hand to her . " I believe this is yours . " Without thinking Joan reached out and felt something drop into her palm , something warm and sticky and tiny . As she looked down she saw a tiny splinter of bone lying in the center of her palm . . . and she realized that the constant buzz that she felt tickling the edges of her mind was gone , the companion she 'd had ever since the accident . " As for me . . . well , I think you can guess who I am . You 're a bright young woman . " " Yes , I think I know , " she whispered , clasping her hand around the splinter . The shapes moving in the darkness had gone , as had the sensations coming form the doors , leaving her alone with her thoughts for the first time in many years . " What do you want from me ? " " Nothing . I never want anything ; it 's everyone else who wants something from me . They want to be beautiful , they want to be rich , they want to be famous . . . but they never want to pay the price . And there 's always a price , no matter how small the service . " He gestured back toward the doors , and Joan saw that they had begun to swing inward . " I know what you want , Joan Kelleigh . I know how awful the visions and the voices are , how terrible it is to live with the ability to see what you see . I know you would give almost anything to be rid of them . " And for what price ? " she asked , her hands wrapped around her chest as she backed away from the man . " My soul ? Isn 't that the usual ? " " Nothing so drastic in this case . Not at all ; in fact , all I ask is that , as soon as you awake , you leave . Leave and never return to that place , and the visions will never return to you . " He smiled but the gesture was coldly empty , as if it were just the body performing it and not the soul within , and a cold wind blew across her face , making her squint as he continued . " Then you say no , and the visions remain your companions . That 's all . " She looked away from him , out into the still blackness that until moments ago had been teeming with undulating shapes . To live without the visions , without the tiny black tentacles that crawled across everything was so very tempting . . . but she finally looked the man in the eye and said , " I . . . I can 't . I won 't . " " That is your choice . " The wind grew stronger , and tiny shards of ice battered her body as the man was consumed by a howling whirlwind . " Know this : I don 't want you , but if you interfere . . . I will have you . " Light exploded around her as the man 's form changed into something that human eyes could not see , that a human mind could not possibly comprehend , and in a voice that human ears dare not hear , he said : Joan 's eyes flew open as a scream tore form her throat . She was in the center of a cloud of feathers , a ruptured pillowcase clutched to her chest . Micki came out of her room and knelt in front of her , asking if she was all right , but Joan could not hear her . . . all she could hear was that voice saying , over and over again , I will have you . " I don 't know . . . her story would seem farfetched at best to anyone else . But with us , I don 't think we have a choice , " Jack said . " It 's not unheard of in myths for demons to offer rewards for seemingly small actions , actions that later lead to ruin for many others . If she believes so strongly that who she dreamed of was actually the Devil . . . I think we should take this very seriously . He obviously does , " he added darkly . " I mean . . . we 've been lucky . Incredibly so , in fact , until recently . " Jack stood and walked downstairs with Micki and Johnny trailing behind , both of them wearing confused looks . He pulled out the Manifest from its place on the shelf and opened it , his hands trailing over the weathered pages and the entries they held . " Lucifer has only directly interfered once with us , in over three years of recovering the antiques . Lewis has interfered more times than I want to remember , but the Devil . . . only that once . With all the power he holds , especially over the people using the antiques , he could and should have done so many more times . " Micki and Johnny waited patiently for Jack to continue . " But now , instead of coming after the three of us . . . Lucifer came to her , and offered a deal . Why would he do that ? " " Not to him , but his work . She can help us , possibly more than any of us realize . I 'm sure of it . Her presence , her ability to see evil , was something that was never anticipated . She might be able to find a way to end this whole damn mess , and that scares Lucifer . Whatever scares the Devil , we can use against him . " Jack set the Manifest down and started walking back up the steps . " I 'll talk to her when she wakes up . She needs to know everything that happened here , and I guess I 'm . . . best qualified . I 'll want both of you here , of course . " Johnny nodded silently , as did Micki , but there was a great deal that he wanted to say . I volunteered for this , I chose to be here . I 'll stay until it 's over . But Joan . . . she was never supposed to get involved . And I don 't want to see anyone else I know - or that I might get to know - die because of this . I don 't want her hurt . The man stood up from the bench and it slowly dissolved back into the raw fabric of reality as he walked away , the book clutched in his left hand smoking furiously but not catching fire . That had always been his problem , it seemed ; on the really important matters , he always gave people a choice . Most of them took the easy way out , most of them never even realized what had just transpired between them and him . . . but he knew , and that was all that mattered . But this girl , this frail creature , had denied his offer . . . just like the others . So weak , but so very strong inside . And the girl 's strength had made them four instead of three . This would be a challenge , and in the end . . . well , even the Devil could not say for sure what would happen . But he did know this : |
Aside from a creative writing piece I did in high school , I have never written down the events of this day before . The creative writing piece was something that did not have all of the details and was written as something to be graded in class . So , today I wanted to write down the events of this day , April 26 , 1985 . Each time I have ever told this story in person , I have always started to shake and my voice would get shaky and it would be hard to talk and even hard to breathe . . . even if I didn 't cry , I have always started to shake with my voice shaking . So many of the events of the day have always remained so clear in my mind . . . I really feel something when I tell it . Also , for years and years and years after it happened , I could not drive past an accident scene with ambulances there and not cry and feel the emotions of the day start to return . It has been a long time since I have cried as I tell this story , but for some reason , I am extra emotional this year . . . and I felt like it was time to finally write down the events of the day . It may seem choppy at times , but I wanted the details in it the best I could . We lived in a little town called Lawson , Missouri . It was a small town and we all loved living there . The people were wonderful and we all had great friends . My parents were out of town . They were on a temple trip in Dallas , Texas . That is a long way from Lawson , Missouri , but that was the temple district that we lived in . So my parents had taken a trip with other people from our church down to Dallas to attend the temple . I don 't remember how long they were meant to be gone , but I think it was going to be a few days . My oldest brother , Richard ( 19 years old ) , was on a two year mission for our church in Sweden , so he was also away . My oldest sister , Karey ( 20 years old ) , was left in charge of the rest of us kids , Nairn , Bruce , Robert , Lorianne , John , Lisa , Leslie ( me ) , Spencer , and Mark , ( all ranging in age from 17 down to 3 years old ) . I cannot even imagine having to deal with this type of day as a 20 year old and having to keep it together for all of my younger siblings . Karey was amazing . April 26 , 1985 was prom night at the high school . My brother Nairn had already left on his date and my brother Bruce had only just turned 16 , so he didn 't have a date and was to be an usher at the dance . Karey had let some of us kids invite friends over that night for a sleepover and to watch movies . She had rented Superman 4 and The Elephant Man . I still have never seen The Elephant Man and I am okay with that . That afternoon , Bruce was going to drive into town to pick up his tuxedo . So , since we lived out in the country , the trip to town was going to include three errands : pick up Bruce 's tuxedo , pick up Robert from track practice , and pick up John 's , Lisa 's , and my friends for the sleepover . It was fun to ride into town and Mark decided to ride along , Spencer was going to , but at the last minute changed his mind saying he was tired . So , we headed into town on our little gravel road in our little yellow Plymouth Horizon . Seat belts were not a part of every day life back then . In fact , us kids were known to regularly be standing up in the back so that we could see out the front window . Part way to town , there was a little one lane wooden bridge that only one car could fit on at a time . I don 't remember the name of the little creek that ran below the bridge . There had been fresh gravel laid down recently , which seems to make it a little more dangerous to drive on until it is packed down . As we approached the little bridge , something started to go wrong . When all was said and done , Mark mentioned seeing a big rock in the middle of the bridge and he thought that was why Bruce started to try to brake . Anyway , that car had brake issues in the past and when he started to brake , it seemed to begin losing control and it began to fishtail in the deep gravel and Bruce yelled , " Hold On ! " At that point , the car went off to the left side and missed the bridge entirely and was airborne . Who knows what was really seen in the middle of the bridge , maybe nothing . . . or maybe a big rock . We don 't know . After the car flew off the edge and down into the ravine , the next thing I remember after that was waking up inside the car . The car was tipped up on the passenger side . I seemed to be the first one to wake up and I looked for a way out of the car . I don 't remember if a window had been rolled down or if it had broken out , but I crawled out of a window onto the embankment . I went to stand up , but something was wrong . As I tried to put weight on my left leg , it hyper extended all the way at the knee and I collapsed . I was so scared . . . in my eight year old mind , all I could imagine was that they were going to have to cut my leg off . I kept lifting the bottom half of my leg up because it seemed so strange that it was bending the wrong way . . . I was so scared . So , I sat there looking around . I hadn 't realized that Mark was not in the car , but he came walking down the hill towards me . He was 3 years old and seemed to be completely fine . I sure wish I could remember all of the conversations we all had with each other throughout this ordeal . We were all so scared . As I looked over the situation , I realized that the car had landed on the opposite embankment from where it had traveled off of the drop off and the car was facing down the hill towards the creek . So , once it was airborne , it must have flipped over and landed on its side . As I looked down at the car , I realized that I could see Bruce , but only the back of his head . I couldn 't make it down to him , but in my heart I wondered if he was still alive or not . . . and I figured he was not . Lisa was the next one out of the car and she could barely walk . She said she was going to go for help . I wish I could remember our whole conversation , but it seemed like she was out and then gone pretty quickly . I do remember that she carefully went down to where we could see Bruce and gave him a kiss or a hug or something . . . I wish I could remember that better as well . Then she left to go and get help . She had such a hard time walking and climbing up the hill , she was hurting . She was only 9 . A little while after Lisa left , I started hearing sounds come from the car . I could hear John in there trying to get out of the car . He had been in the passenger seat and had been pinned under where Bruce was laying . I could hear him working hard to make it up to the top of the car and he finally made it out of the driver side window and rested there for a bit . He looked exhausted as though he had just run a marathon . He had to do it all using only one arm and you could tell he was in a lot of pain . He couldn 't move his arm and had blood running down his face from his right cheek . Once he made it down to the ground , he asked where Lisa was and I told him she had gone for help , so he decided to go and try to find her and help her . He was only 11 . They were both so young to be having the responsibility of searching for help . After he had left , Mark and I were left there on the hill next to the car , staring down at the creek and at Bruce . It was a hot and humid day . At one point , I remember Mark , my three year old brother , asking me if I wanted to lay on his lap , and I think I did . As I got older , when I would think back , I have always been amazed that my brother , who was only three , would think to offer his lap for me to lay on . As we were sitting there , there were cars driving over the bridge above us . If they would have only looked down , they would have seen the nightmare we were in . But if I remember correctly , we were at least 30 feet down from the bridge . Anyway , Mark and I began yelling up to the bridge every time a car would drive over . Because it was so hot , people had their windows up with the air conditioning on . No one could hear us . We were screaming our little hearts out and we could not be heard . I don 't remember how many cars and trucks drove across that bridge , but it seems like we were sitting there for so long . Finally , a pick up truck drove across and their windows were down . We yelled and they looked down and slammed on their brakes . It was a man and his wife and they both came down to see how we were . His wife ran back up to the truck to use their CB to call for help . Over the years , I have always wished I could have told the man and his wife Thank You . They were there with us at a very difficult time . While the wife was gone to her truck , the man was crouched down in front of us , in our line of sight to Bruce , and he was talking to us . I asked him if they were going to cut my leg off . He told me no . At one point , Mark said " Bruce is dead " , and the man told us that he wasn 't and that he would be fine . Again , I was amazed at my three year old brother , he was just so aware of things . His wife finally came back down and took Mark up to the truck with her . The man stayed there with me until help arrived . Paramedics came down with a stretcher and cut my pants . They carried me up the hill to the road and put me on the gravel road . I don 't know it this is a true memory or if it is something that has concerned me since then , but I feel like I remember being worried about Bruce being down there all by himself once they brought me up to the road . I hate the thought of him being left down there without any of his family with him . I sure wish I could have said good bye to him . My sister reminded me in a comment on here that she actually came down to where I was down below before they took me up to the road . I had forgotten that . She held my hand and sat with me there and then she mentioned that she went to go and find John and Lisa . I remember they kept trying to put a mask over my mouth , but I wouldn 't let them . I was so scared . I didn 't know what to think or what was happening . I remember seeing Mark in the back of an ambulance . And the next thing I remember was that Karey came back . She came and told me it was okay and after she was there , I finally let them put the mask over my mouth . I needed her . I don 't remember how long I was there on the ground , but I was eventually carried over to the life flight helicopter that had landed a little way from the bridge . John was in the life flight with me . I remember trying to go to sleep , I felt so tired , but they wouldn 't let me . They kept saying my name and telling me I had to stay awake . I didn 't understand why . I was so tired , I jut wanted to sleep . I know now that I was in shock and they had to keep me awake . When we landed in Kansas City , it was at the Primary Children 's Hospital there . I remember we landed on a rooftop and they rushed us on gurneys through what seemed like a big tube into the hospital . I remember the room was really white and really bright and it seemed like they were finally allowing me to go to sleep . As I layed there , I remember hearing John screaming from another room . I didn 't know what was wrong . It was scary . His screams from the other room were what I went to sleep hearing . Lisa and John had finally made it to a house and were able to call for help . The first house Lisa went to , no one was home , so she had to keep walking . Houses are not close together there . They also called Karey , who did not have a car and had to run to the neighbors house and ask them for a ride to the bridge . Lori and Spencer were with her . Spencer had a disease in his hip at the time called leg perthes and was in a leg brace , it ended up being a blessing that he was too tired to ride along with us . Robert , who was waiting for us at track practice , finally got a ride home with his coach . When they got to the fork in the road and it was closed off , they knew something must have happened to us , so they drove the long way around and finally arrived . . . Lori ran to Robert to let him know what had happened . Lisa and Mark had been taken by ambulance to a closer hospital , treated , and then released . Lisa had torn ligaments and bruises all over her body . Mark , who had a cast on his arm from a broken arm previous to the accident , came away from the accident with only a little bruise on his ear . What a blessing . We like to think that an angel carried Mark out of the car by his ear before it hit the ground , and that is what gave him the bruise . Poor Richard on his mission in Sweden had to find out through his mission president on the phone . He was completely alone and my heart breaks when I think about what he went through alone in a foreign country . He was missed . The next day , I woke up in the hospital . I woke up and I was in traction . My left femur was broken completely in half and the bones had moved past each other , so they had drilled a hole through whatever my shin bone is called and had attached weights to it at the end of my bed so that the weights could slowly pull my bone back into alignment . John was my room mate . He had a crushed shoulder blade , a broken finger , and a huge gash on his cheek . That day when I woke up , I remember Karey coming into my hospital room to talk to me . We were alone and she broke the news to me that Bruce had died . I remember crying and realizing that what we figured in the beginning was true . But my reaction to her news proved that I had chosen to believe that he would be okay and to have hope . What a blow . It was devastating news and our hearts were all broken . After she told me , I remember my hospital door opening and a flood of people coming into my room . Relatives , including my parents . They had come back . I remember watching at the end of my bed and seeing my dad ask Karey , " Did you tell her ? " , and she said yes . Bruce had died from suffocation . What had happened was that somehow the passenger door came open and he was thrown across the car , the door closed on his neck and must have made it so he could not breathe . We like to imagine that he was taken before the car hit . . . that he did not suffer . That is our hope . The way my parents had found out about it all is so very sad . They were in the temple and after one of the temple sessions had ended , they were asked to meet with the temple president in his office . They assumed they were going to be asked to help with something , but instead , he sat them down and had to break the news to them . Here is their story in their own words : From that moment , all our attention and all our prayers were directed toward the other four of our children . We were driven to the Dallas - Ft . Worth Airport , and sat for what seemed like hours waiting for a flight to Kansas City . We wept and prayed and wept and prayed . It was terrible , Finally , we got on the airplane , and wept and prayed , and worried about the four other children . We were picked up at the Kansas City Airport by a friend , and he was able to tell us that NONE of the other four were in danger . We had suffered the hardest blow of our entire lives , but we were instantly filled with the most intense gratitude you can imagine . I had felt when our tenth child ( Spencer ) was born that Heavenly Father might take a " tithe " of our children home to him , and to learn that there was nothing further required of us was a GREAT relief . We spent the rest of that night and the next day focusing on our injured children , but thrilled to find all of them in relative GOOD condition considering . I think that gratitude is focusing on what Heavenly Father has given us ; not on what He hasn 't given us . Ever after that night we THANKED Heavenly Father for the sixteen years He gave us with Bruce ; and Now that I am a mother , I cannot even imagine what my parents were going through as they were so far away from all of us when tragedy struck . I have been amazed at my parents after all of this . You could imagine them becoming bitter and not wanting to go to the temple much after losing a child while they were AT the temple , but they went the opposite direction . They attend the temple every chance they get , they have been such great examples of temple attendance of anyone I have ever known . . . they are drawn to the temple because of the importance of it . They chose to cling to the gospel and turn to the Lord for strength and have faith and hope in Him . I sure love my parents . I remember a few days after being in the hospital , watching John getting dressed . I asked him where he was going and he said he was going to Bruce 's funeral . I couldn 't believe that I was not going to get to go to the funeral . Ever since that time , I have always felt like I was robbed of an experience that seems so necessary to be able to say good bye to a loved one . Going to a funeral of a loved one has always been sad , but uplifting at the same time . It helps to give closure and you get to feel uplifted as you hear about the wonderful things they accomplished in life and also you get to hear about the plan of our Father in Heaven , knowing that there is life after this and that we will see each other again . I always felt like I did not get to experience the closure that a funeral can bring . But it was just not possible for me to go . One day , I remember they gave me a shot to try to get me to go to sleep . I didn 't know what they were planning to do , but I forced myself to stay awake because the last time that happened , I woke up with a pin in my leg . . . I didn 't want to do that again . Because I was still awake , they had to do whatever they were going to do with me awake and I remember them unscrewing the screw from my bone . It was a strange feeling , but I was glad I was awake . My mom left for the day after that happened and I remember that the tutor who would come and do school with me each day came into my room after I had come back from that . She was not a very nice lady and I didn 't like her to come . I was glad that my mom had seen her enter my room because she came back and told the tutor that she didn 't want me to have a tutor that day and that I needed some rest . Thanks Mom . I remember getting a lot of cards and letters and flowers and other stuff while I was in the hospital . It made me feel special . I was in the hospital for at least 10 days , I can 't remember how many for sure though . Not long after that day , they put a cast on me . It was a full body cast . It went all the way up to my chest , down my whole left leg and halfway down my right leg , with a bar put in between my legs to keep it stable . There is a photo below . I 'm not gonna lie , I got really fast in that cast . I ran around all summer in that thing . If I remember correctly , I broke the cast at least twice near the feet from running on it so much and they had to recast it each time . The deep sorrow that is felt in your heart when you lose a close loved one cannot be described . Every aspect of life is changed by it and it can never be the same again . You have to find a way to live life in a new way and by doing that , you feel like you are ' moving on ' from the memory of the one who was lost . . . but in reality you have to find a way to move forward while carrying them and their influence in your life with you as you go . something that all of us are so grateful for . I am grateful for the life that Bruce was able to live . In those short 16 years , he accomplished a lot and he was one of the most amazing people I have ever known . I am grateful for the Plan of Happiness and for our knowledge of Eternal Families . What a moving post . I remember you telling me about this when we were in England - but I don 't think you shared so many details . I love your eternal perspective that you have . What a lovely testimony . Thanks for sharing . Love you and miss you I don 't think I ever knew much about what happened that day , so thanks for sharing what you can remember . Your parents are such good examples by going to the temple often . I know I need to go more often . I really believe that the trials we go through in this life are for our good - - so we can learn and grow stronger . I 'm looking forward to meeting Bruce someday . I like to think that I already met him before I was born ( since I wasn 't born until December 1985 ) . It 's amazing that after all these years and so many visits about that day , that there are still things here I didn 't know . It was so different for everyone . I actually was there before the ambulances and came down the hill to where you were . You told me when you stood up your leg bent backward . The man who was there with you mouthed the words that Bruce was dead . I guess he thought a 20 year old could handle it better than an 8 year old . I held your hand while they carried you up to the road on the stretcher . Then I went to find John and Lisa , so the mask thing happened when I came back to where you were . I know what you mean about leaving Bruce . After the helicopter had taken you and John and the ambulance had taken Lisa and Mark and friends had taken Lori and Spencer , Coach Smith was going to take me to the hospital in K . C . As I looked down at the car before I left , I didn 't want to leave Bruce . It felt like if I did , it would become a reality and I also had the irrational thought that it would be terrible for him when they all realized he hadn 't died and he walked up the hill to the road and there was no family there . It was hard to leave . What a hard day that was . And so many hard days since then . I love you and I love and miss Bruce . I made myself late for an appointment because I couldn 't stop reading this . So heartbreaking ! It all becomes to different when you have children of your own , I cannot imagine your sweet parents getting this news in the temple . You guys are an amazing family , such a great example to so many . The other thing that I think must have been EXTREMELY difficult is that your family moved to Ut . shortly after ( which in and of itself is hard and lonely ) but no one in the new area knew Bruce or anything about him . That would be difficult too . But you guys , each one of you , have honored him and his memory . I can say that I feel like I know the kind of person he was . Sending love . thank you everyone for your kind thoughts . Laura , you are very perceptive because you are completely right . it was really hard moving to utah so soon after and leaving Bruce there alone AND moving to a place where no one knew him or what we had lost by losing him . thank you for your sweet words . you are amazing as well ! ! ! I cannot believe all that you went through at the age of 8 . I hope it was helpful to you to write down your memories of that day . Writing always seems to help me . Bruce sounds like a wonderful brother and I am so glad you get to see him again ! I am in awe of you Leslie . You are amazing . I think you are amazing to be able to put this down in words . I 'm so sorry for your loss . I 've recorded my account of the day Brad was killed on a tape recorder , but I haven 't written it yet . I know I need too . Thanks for the inspiration . i read this last week and cried a lot . i look at my kids who were close to the ages of us and it breaks my heart for those little kids that were us . i think we came through it pretty well , probably with some scars that still need healing . . . but with a greater appreciation for the life that comes after this . thanks for sharing . love you . Thank you for sharing such a personal story as well as your sweet testimony ! This really hit home for me . When I was 15 my best friend and I were in a jeep roll over and my best friend died . Like you , it is still something I struggle to talk about - 16 years later . I can 't really talk about it too in depth without crying . So I just try to avoid talking about it at all . Reading this post has made me think about all of it and realize I should write it all down . So I will do just that . Again , thank for you for sharing your story . much love , Jen Bowman Thank you for sharing your experiences . Each one of your stories in your life leave such a positive impact on me in my life . Most people don 't want to talk about them . I think that everyone can take something from each experience that can help them or someone else they know . I believe that writing down our thoughts and memories help us heal in so many ways . Thank you for being the sweet example that you are ! Sara Postma . . While praying Aaron Jr asked for the Mouse and the Princess movie . ( The Tale of Despereaux ) ( April 2009 ) * * * Aaron : I like Jesus . He 's cute . ( April 2009 ) * * * While watching a toy commercial . Aaron : Mama , I want one of those . Me : You do ? Aaron : Yeah . We must get one for me . * * * Aaron stood behind me and put his arms around my neck . Aaron : How about a piggy back ? Me : Oh man , my back hurts so much . So he had a great idea . Aaron : How about a small piggy back ? I had to laugh and how could I resist ? * * * Me : Guess where you get to go tomorrow ? Aaron : Where ? Me : The dentist . He looked disappointed , so . . . Me : They are going to make sure all of the sugar bugs are off your teeth . Aaron : ( in a whiny voice ) No ! I don 't want the sugar bugs to be off . ( feb 2010 ) * * * Regarding his playdough : Aaron : What happened to this ? Me : I don 't know . . . what happened ? Aaron : I think it has mouse juice in it . Me : Mouse juice ? Aaron : It has rat juice in it . ( I have no idea , but I had to giggle ) * * * Aaron : Mom , did you know I don 't have a baby sister ? Me : Yeah , I did . ( with a sad tone to my voice ) Aaron : Yeah , we must get one for me . * * * Me : Aaron , were you a good boy in class today ? ( referring to church ) Aaron : Well , I didn 't hit my teacher . ( may 2010 ) * * * Me : Aaron , what happened to your lip ? ( which looked red and swollen on one side ) Aaron : Well , I was hungry . ( then pointing to his lip ) And this tastes good . * * * Aaron : My tummy hurts . I think I ate too many Starburst . I think pink bubble gum will make it feel better . * * * Aaron : Hey mommy wait ! Jesus Christ makes everyone 's big owies feel better . Me : You 're right ! Is He making yours feel better ? Aaron : ( head nod ) * * * Out of the blue . . . Aaron : Jesus Christ built us with instructions . * * * Aaron : Mom , I know where the food goes . ( pointing to his chest as though showing where the food goes down ) Me : Wow , good job ! Aaron : Now tell me I 'm a genius . Me : ( while giggling ) You 're a genius ! * * * The smoke alarm kept going off and we were scrambling to open doors and fan the smoke aw " It is wonderful to know that our Heavenly Father loves us - - even with all our flaws ! His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves , He never will . " We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today . Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever . Although we might settle for less , Heavenly Father won 't , for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming . " - Joseph B Wirthlin . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ . . I have been addicted to taking photos and then transforming them in Photoshop . I can 't seem to stay away from it lately . I took these three photos at the top , then photoshopped them together and the finished product is the one long photo at the bottom . This is CRATER LAKE in Oregon . Isn 't it gorgeous ? |
In his office Max sat behind the desk thinking . He spent a full hour at it . The piece of paper Karen had given him was lying on the desk , and Max studied it closely . He took a sheet of paper virtually identical to it and laid it on the desk . An old typewriter was stored away in a closet , and Max retrieved it . The typing on the page was not that of a computer printer , but of a typewriter with an element . Max 's old IBM had an elite element , and it would have to do . He retyped everything from the page Karen had given him onto the new sheet of paper and then wrote out the Akkadian script . The cuneiform characters were copied with numerous changes that would render it difficult , if not impossible , to decipher with any sense of meaning . The unrecognizable ancient symbols were copied exactly as they appeared on the page . Max figured that if he didn 't recognize them , no one else would either . Not that he thought so much more highly of himself than he did of others , but because it seemed evident to him that these characters were created by combining the characteristics of a couple other languages . If anyone wants to steal it now , let him . Max put the page Karen had given him in the safe . This new copy was placed on the desk , partially hidden by a few journals . Max chuckled to himself . Antonio was pacing upstairs in the guest room . Hearing from Mr . Jones had greatly unnerved him . Nevertheless , he pulled himself together and went down to the kitchen where Karen and Patsy were sitting at the table . " Oh , Antonio , how thoughtless we 've been ! " Patsy exclaimed . " Of course , get a good night 's rest , and we 'll see you in the morning . Make yourself at home , and if there 's anything you need and can 't find , let me know . " " No , nothing at all . I 'm a bit tired , that 's all . See you both in the morning . " With a weak smile , Antonio left and went upstairs . " Didn 't you notice ? His eyes were wandering all around the room . So unlike him . Surely you must have noticed how he always looks directly at you when speaking ? Almost like his eyes had magnets in them making it impossible to pull your own away . " Patsy thought about this for a moment . " That 's right . It is a rather unusual mannerism , one that makes you feel both uncomfortable and flattered at the same time . But perhaps he really is exhausted . Driving long distances and meeting new people can be tiring . Let 's see how he is in the morning , and we can start worrying then if we need to . And maybe we should head off to bed ourselves , it has been a long day . What do you think ? " On Friday morning at 7 : 15 , a stranger rang the bell at The Fairview . Eleanora , an early riser , was already in the office . " Good morning to you , sir . Going to be a nice day . Would you like a room ? " Eleanora had him sign the appropriate form and gave him the key to room eighteen . " It 's down near the end , Mr . Zakai . If you need anything , let me know . My name 's Ellen . " With a slight nod of his head , Hamadi took the key and walked down to room eighteen . Unlocking the door , he peered inside , then moved his car in front of his door . A blue Oldsmobile was parked in the end spot , the rest of the lot was empty . Hamadi took a small suitcase from the trunk , and after placing it on the bed , returned to his rental car to make a tour of the city . The address he was seeking was on Jefferson Road , and after ten minutes of fruitless searching he stopped at a convenience store and asked the cashier for directions . A minute later he was again in his car , this time heading out of town . It wasn 't hard to find Devlin 's house . A good ways beyond it , Hamadi pulled his car off the road and got out to walk . The sun was low on the horizon , the morning chilly . The house was quite large and had an attached two - car garage . Beyond it were two other buildings , a slightly decrepit garage and some kind of workshop . The workshop abutted a densely forested area . Hamadi strolled down the road about fifty feet then made a detour into the forest . Through the tangled brush , he made his way in the direction of the workshop . But here in the woods it was dark and he had difficulty seeing . The undergrowth was full of clinging , thorny vines , and although he was moving at only a crawl , his clothes continually got caught . As he endeavored to free the material , Hamadi would cry out as sharp thorns penetrated the sensitive tips of his fingers . Nearby was a fallen log , and he sat down momentarily to retie the lace on one of his shoes and catch his breath . Once again he advanced in the direction of what he hoped was the workshop . As he moved , Hamadi noticed that the lower limbs of the trees were apparently the choicest sites for spiders to weave their webs . In the early morning darkness , however , it was not always easy to spot them . He didn 't notice the web coming up and walked smack into it . Taken by surprise , he flailed his arms and pulled the sticky web off his face . He felt a big spider crawling across his head , and in a frenzy he whipped his hands through his hair a half - dozen times and brushed wildly at his chest , legs , and sleeves of his jacket . Breathing heavily , he tried to gather his wits about him . For the next ten minutes Hamadi didn 't move . He stood silently until the sun had risen enough to afford better light for maneuvering . Gingerly he took a few steps , watching out for vines . He cautiously made his way another twenty feet or so and looked up to see where he was . Inches in front of him was another spider web with a huge spider sitting serenely in the middle awaiting its next victim . A quick surge of shivers ran down his spine , and keeping his eyes on the spider , Hamadi slowly backed up . He thought of calling it quits and heading back to the car , but having come this far , he went around the web and continued on . Finally , he could see the workshop and tiptoed toward it . He stopped behind a large pine tree , and pressing his hands against it , he moved his head to the side just enough to see . About ten feet away and off to the side was a window , and a man was standing there looking out . Hamadi froze , closing his eyes to mere slits . Had the man seen him ? It must be Devlin . The sun had not risen above the roof of the workshop , so the forest behind was still engulfed in gloomy darkness . Hamadi opened his eyes a fraction . The man was still standing there , but now he was looking the other way . A moment later another man joined him . It was Antonio . Devlin gave him a friendly pat on the back and they both moved out of sight . Hamadi maintained his post and soon heard their voices out in the yard . Their words were rather muffled , but to his consternation they were becoming more distinct . He plastered himself against the tree , barely breathing . Devlin and Antonio came around the back of the building . " The property includes ten acres of this forest . Someday I 'd like to clear this area right behind and build a deck and perhaps thin out the woods for a good distance . Patsy 's made quite a few birdhouses that she 's anxious to put up . " " You have a nice piece of property here , " Antonio told him . " It 's worth the long drive to come home to such seclusion . Not to change the subject , Max , but are you going into the office today ? If so , I 'd like to come along and see the university , if it wouldn 't be an imposition . " " No , not at all , love to have you . There aren 't any classes right now due to fall break . The university moved it up two weeks because of some major repairs in one of the dorms . So we 'll have the place pretty much to ourselves . It 'll give Karen and Patsy some time together too . We can leave as soon as you 're ready . " After Antonio and Max had driven off , Hamadi inched his way to the window of Max 's office . Pressing his face against the glass , he took note of what was inside : a large desk covered with papers , combination phone and answering machine , one file cabinet piled high with journals , one computer and all its peripherals , and . . . a safe ? Hamadi did not expect that . He wondered what Devlin kept in there . His will , perhaps . Maybe bank CDs and other financial instruments or even some ancient antique . There were no other windows on the back of the building , and Hamadi couldn 't take the chance of looking through one in the front so decided to leave . As much as he dreaded going through the woods again , there was no good alternative . If he stayed along the forest edge , he might be seen since the sun was now higher . And weren 't those women 's voices he heard ? A barely - discernible path from his first trip through was spotted . After ten minutes , it came to an end . He stepped over a fallen trunk in what he thought was the direction of the road , but the road never appeared , and after ten more minutes Hamadi figured that somehow he had managed to veer off course . He could no longer see the edge of the woods that bordered Devlin 's property . Listening for traffic , he thought he heard a car , and for a moment his spirits lifted . But it sounded too far away , and he concluded it must be on a different road . Hamadi headed back toward Max 's office . After another fifteen minutes of trudging through the underbrush , he sat down on a tree stump to rest . He strained his eyes to see any sign of a path , the road , or Devlin 's property . But nothing looked familiar , and Hamadi came to the conclusion that he was lost . A sense of panic overcame him . How he wished he were back in Cairo where all was desert sands . " Come on , Parisa , " Patsy called . " We 'll go out and play for awhile . Karen , let 's go , I 'm dying to get a better look at that Mercedes . " Stepping outside , Karen remarked , " What a gorgeous day ! So sunny and warm , you could say almost hot . " " I can 't complain , " Patsy responded . " September was a rather soggy month . Seems like we never saw the sun . And unusually cool too , so I 'll take the heat as long as it lasts , which won 't be long though . The forecast calls for a nasty cold front to come through later this afternoon . " They wandered around the yard while Parisa played with toys . " Antonio seems like quite a nice young man . You didn 't tell me exactly how you met . " " Well , he came into the shop one day looking for a gift . Bought this lovely antique mirror that had been sitting in the case for over a year . We spent a good bit of time looking at other things , but he decided finally on the mirror . I think he would have preferred my jewelry box , but I couldn 't bear to let that go . Before he left , he asked me if I would like to go out to dinner with him and perhaps go to the theater if he could get some tickets . Turned out we went to see Swan Lake . It was simply wonderful . " Karen looked off dreamily as she remembered that night . " And then we just kept on seeing each other , almost every day . Have you ever met anyone so polite ? " They had walked around the yard and were now standing beside the Mercedes . " It certainly is a gorgeous car . " Sliding her hand along the smooth and shiny surface , Patsy circled the car , taking in every detail . Her eyes stopped on the parking sticker attached to the window , and a puzzled expression came over her face . Karen noticed it . Karen came to stand by Patsy and take a look herself . " That 's odd , " she muttered . " Maybe he bought the car used , and the previous owner was a student there , " she suggested . Patsy looked doubtful . " Even if that were the case , shouldn 't he have a sticker for his own school somewhere ? " Silently Karen stood staring at the sticker . Patsy didn 't interrupt her thoughts . After thirty seconds or so , Karen bowed her head and mumbled , " I wonder if Jeff could have been right all along ? " " All right , let 's go inside . Seems to me there are a few things I should know . And I think you 'd better tell me everything , starting from the very beginning . " Grabbing Karen 's arm , Patsy pulled her along . Karen sat down at the kitchen table while Patsy got a couple glasses and filled them with iced tea . " Okay , Karen , now don 't be afraid to tell me everything . And I mean everything . " Taking a breath and letting it out in a sigh , Karen began with the day Antonio had first come into her shop . " He had spotted the jewelry box , you know , the one I told you about , on a shelf behind the counter and asked to see it . " Karen then related how she had taken it down and shown it to him , opening it up so he could see the smaller one inside , and that on learning they were not for sale , he had asked to see something else . " We spent a good half - hour to forty - five minutes looking at other items until he decided on the antique mirror . " Karen told her all about Jeff coming into the shop and rambling on about Antonio wanting to steal something , something that he referred to as a Savarin piece . " Claimed he overhead Antonio at the deli talking with someone on the phone . I wrote him off as some kind of a nut . About a week later , though , he came in and apologized and brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers . He also took me out to lunch . We had a wonderful time , and he never mentioned the subject again . " " Well , yeah , I guess at one point I was . Jeff had said something about a glass or box , and for a moment I thought it might be the jewelry box . But you know how it is . When you don 't want something to be true , you can find a ton of reasons for not believing it . And besides , Antonio had plenty of opportunity to steal the box if he wanted to or have someone else steal it for him . I 'm not in the habit of watching my customers with an eagle eye . " " No , I didn 't think so at the time . When I told him it wasn 't for sale , he just handed it back to me and I put it on the shelf . Then we wandered around the shop until he chose the mirror . " " No , none . But when we were back at the counter , he asked me if he could have another look at it . I said , ' Of course you can . ' He remarked about how unusual it was with the hummingbird etching , and that he had never before come across a matching set of jewelry boxes where one smaller box fit inside the other . He took the little box out and held it , and I can still remember how careful he was with it . I think he asked me something about whether they were antiques , and we got on the subject of antique jewelry boxes in general . Probably spent fifteen minutes or so on the subject . " " And then you put both jewelry boxes back on the shelf and they were never mentioned again ? You wrapped up the mirror , handed it to him , and he left . Think now , Karen . " Patsy looked at her intently . " Wait a minute ! I remember now . Yes , he was holding both boxes , one in each hand , and suggested protecting the smaller box by wrapping it in some soft fabric before putting it back inside the larger one . He wondered if I might still have the original material . So I told him there hadn 't been any , only some paper . He said that it would do and asked me to get it . " " No . Didn 't ask a thing about it . Simply took a nice clean handkerchief from his pocket and wrapped it around the smaller box . Then he put it back inside the larger one and handed it to me without a word . I thanked him , put it on the shelf , then wrapped up the mirror he had bought . " " No , I don 't think so . " Karen hesitated . " Well , to be truthful , I don 't remember exactly . You see , I was so embarrassed because I hadn 't wrapped the smaller box myself . It was just a matter of time and I would have , but still the fact that I hadn 't made me feel like a fool . I was just imagining what Antonio must 've been thinking of me . Some antique collector ! More like a negligent , careless simpleton . " " No . That 's when he surprised me . I mean , here I was feeling so miserable , wishing there were some hole I could crawl into , and then , just like that , he asks me out to dinner . You can 't imagine how happy I was , how my heart wanted to fly away . You see , " and Karen bowed her head , " I was sort of smitten by that time . " She started to cry . " But now look at what it 's all come to . " " Oh , honey , don 't cry , please don 't cry , " Patsy begged . " Any girl would have been swept off her feet . Antonio is certainly a charmer , no doubt about that . But there may be some logical explanation , so let 's not jump off the deep end , at least not yet . " Patsy handed her a couple tissues , and Karen wiped her eyes . The computer was located in a small nook adjacent to the laundry room . Taking a seat , Patsy typed in the name Savarin . Together they scanned the screen while Patsy scrolled down until the name Middlestates Theological Seminary appeared alongside the name Michael Savarin . " Aha ! Professor of Ancient Near Eastern Languages . How about that ! " and Patsy looked at Karen with a gleam in her eye . She clicked the mouse several more times , and periodically stopped to read a section before moving on . " Oh , oh , it says he died earlier this summer . I wonder if Antonio had something to do with it ? " " Oh , sorry . Got a little carried away , I 'm afraid . Of course , you 're right . Antonio 's no murderer . " She looked out of the corner of her eye at Karen . " Guess I 've been reading too many of those books lately , " and she chuckled softly . " Says here that he taught at Middlestates for twenty - three years . Has had a number of books published , one on ancient artifacts . Max must know of him . You know , I 'll bet this is the man who broke the code . Then something happened and he died before he could get a team up to unearth the crown . He probably had the deciphered code in a safe place , but it got lost , who knows how , maybe even stolen . Or maybe he purposely hid it away in the jewelry box and that got lost instead . Anyway , Antonio knew about it and managed to trace it to you , but he didn 't want to let on for fear you might report him or something like that . With the rumor of the broken code all over the news , you might have suspected that he was some kind of thief or even part of an international gang . So he decided to keep the paper in sight , so to speak , until he could think of a way to get it . Did you notice how he never had one word to say at dinner last night when Max was telling us about the crown ? " Karen looked at her with a wry smile on her face . " But what about me ? How can I face Antonio knowing that he 's just been playing me for a fool and never really had any interest in me at all ? " Karen twisted her sweatshirt around her hands . " Do we know that for sure ? " Patsy asked . " Seems to me he likes you quite a bit . I don 't believe there 's anything insincere there , honestly I don 't . " Patsy pulled Karen 's hands out of the twisted sweatshirt . " Karen , I 'm sorry . You know me . I 've probably let my imagination run wild . Antonio hardly appears like the kind of man to be unscrupulous , let alone be involved with gangsters . There 's probably some perfectly logical explanation , so let 's give him the benefit of the doubt . We 'll talk to Max when he gets home . Well , I 'll talk to Max when he gets home and fill him in . In the meantime , don 't give it another thought . Max has the paper and it 's safe . But you don 't want to let Antonio know that you 're on to anything , at least not right now . I mean , we 're not sure of anything yet , and we wouldn 't want to accuse him of something only to have to eat humble pie later on . So , have a good time until we know more . Antonio 's very fond of you , I know it . I 've seen the way he looks at you . Like Nelson Eddy gazing at Jeanette McDonald . " Patsy gave Karen 's hand a gentle caress . " Maybe there 's a perfectly good explanation for his behavior , so why not think the best , okay ? " Karen let out a sigh . " Okay . Maybe you 're right . I can probably handle that much until we know more . " She got up from the table . " Maybe I 'll lie down for a bit . " With a dejected step , she left the room . Patsy 's heart broke when she saw the tears trickling down Karen 's cheeks . Early that same morning , Dr . Richardson opened his new packages of underwear . He really wasn 't surprised to find that he had size XL in shorts and 2X in shirts . With the way his luck had been running , what really surprised him was that they were still clean and new and not someone 's returns . He put on a shirt and pair of shorts and walked over to the mirror to gaze at his reflection . The sight was pathetic . The voluminous underwear made him look like a scrawny , 150 - pound weakling : a poor emaciated skeleton hoping for one last meal . The shorts were so big that he had real reservations about them even staying up . Dr . Richardson pondered his plight . Putting on his pants , he walked briskly to the motel office . A teenage girl was standing behind the desk . She was rather cute and bubbling over with friendliness . " Hi ! You must be Leonard Richardson . I 'm Mindy . We 're so glad you 're staying with us . Everything 's okay I hope . " " Hello there , Mindy . Yes , everything is fine . I was wondering if you had some paper clips that I could borrow . Two or three would be enough . " She rummaged through the desk drawer and came up with four . " These okay ? " she asked , holding them out for inspection . Dr . Richardson noticed that they had seen better days , but he held out his hand and said they were fine . Mindy turned her hand over and the clips fell onto his palm . Thanking her , he returned to his room . Removing his slacks , Dr . Richardson concentrated his attention on the waistband of the shorts . He made a neat , vertical fold and put on a paper clip . He did this three more times . The material was bulky , but the clips seemed adequate for the job . Satisfied , he finished dressing . He could feel the clips against his skin , but there was nothing that could be done about it . The shirt hung loosely around his shoulders and neck , but at least the sleeves didn 't show . Dr . Richardson put the rest of the new underwear in a drawer , and gathering up every other article of clothing , he stuffed them in a bag and went back to the office . " Mindy , do you know where I can wash some clothes ? " He checked out his coins . Mindy made change for a $ 5 bill , and Dr . Richardson was now ready to do his laundry . It was no surprise to find the laundry room deserted since the parking lot was too . He threw his clothes into the washer and got it going . Dashing back to his room and grabbing the key , he left . After a quick breakfast at Burger King , he sped toward his destination , the Devlin house on Jefferson Road . The clock in the car read 8 : 23 . For close to two hours Hamadi traipsed through the woods . His clothes were torn and threads were pulled out everywhere from scores of snags . His shoes were wet and covered with mud . Once he was terrified that he had gotten caught in some quicksand , but he had managed in his panic - stricken state to pull his legs out from the muck and land prostrate on dry ground . Now he was sitting on a fallen log , resting and working up the courage to continue . From his pocket he pulled out a dirty and blood - stained handkerchief . He used it to wipe his face , which not only was covered with numerous scratches , but sported an impressive display of bug bites . In the silence he heard a car and not all that far away . Encouraged , he got up and lumbered in the direction of the sound . After five minutes he sat down and waited again . Only a short time passed before he heard another car , this time closer , and with renewed spirits he quickened his pace . Ignoring the gnats and mosquitoes , he pushed vines and small trees to the side and ran as fast as the environment permitted , jumping awkwardly over fallen timber . Abruptly he came to a stop . There was a small ravine between him and the road , and it was filled with mucky - looking water . The trees and roadside brush on the other side of the ravine were extremely dense , and Hamadi didn 't know if he could get through . In the distance he heard a car approaching , and coming to a quick decision , he hurled himself over the water . About to topple over , he grabbed hold of a low tree limb and hauled himself up the other side and with great effort propelled himself through the brushy hedge . The momentum threw him off balance , and he tumbled into the road landing on his side . Slowly he got up , grateful that he was finally free . The driver of the car , shocked to see a man tumble into the roadway , slammed on the brakes . Rushing over he asked , " Are you all right ? " He helped the stricken Hamadi to his feet , noticing his disheveled appearance . " What happened ? Are you all right ? " he repeated . " Yes , thank you , thank you . You don 't know how grateful I am . I got lost in the woods hours ago , and thought I might never find my way out . " " Here , let me help you . " He took Hamadi 's arm and guided him to the car . " Why don 't I give you a ride home or wherever it is you 're going . " Opening the door , he helped Hamadi in . " How in the world did you end up lost way out here ? " he inquired . Needing time to think , Hamadi took out the dirty handkerchief and blew his nose . " Well , I 'm here on a short visit , you see . I have a relative in the area , and while I was awaiting his return from an appointment , I decided to tour the countryside . I saw this most colorful bird fly into the woods and wanted to get a better look at it , and before I knew it , I was lost . " " No , we do not have cardinals in Egypt . " There was silence for several seconds before Hamadi spoke again . " You 've been so kind . I hate to impose , but could you perhaps take me back to my motel ? I 'll clean up a bit , put on fresh clothes and then , if it 's not too much of an inconvenience , you could drive me back to my car . " " Hey , I 'm staying there too ! I guess that saying 's true , It 's a small world . " And whistling a merry tune , Jeff pushed down on the accelerator and sped back to the motel . It was 10 : 00 . On the drive into Finley , Max did most of the talking . Antonio was glad to sit quietly and listen , feeling on the gloomy side this morning . But he tried his best not to let it show . He wanted to bring up the subject of Mr . Jones and the broken code , to tell Max the whole story from the very beginning and shed the burden of guilt he was feeling . It wasn 't Antonio 's nature to be deceptive , and he was beginning to hate himself for it . But how to proceed so that he didn 't lose his last scrap of self - respect had yet to be solved . " You seem to have quite a knowledge of archaeology yourself , Antonio . I believe you mentioned at dinner last night that you attend college in Hampton Heights , and as you must be certainly aware , there 's a seminary right there , Middlestates Theological Seminary . Have you ever considered a degree in archaeology ? " " No , I don 't mind . " Antonio couldn 't come up with a plausible explanation right on the spot , so he reverted to some partial truth . " I have a relative in Cairo with a Ph . D . in archaeology , and we 've spent a good bit of time discussing the subject . How is it that you got interested , Max ? Was your father an archaeologist ? " Max was not to be sidetracked . " What 's his name , perhaps I know him ? I 've visited Cairo twice , given a couple seminars there . " Thoughts raced through Antonio 's mind . Hamadi never mentioned anything about knowing Max Devlin . Did Max know Hamadi ? Antonio knew he was on the spot , but he couldn 't think fast enough to come up with anything passable . Since Max was looking at him expectantly , Antonio blurted out the truth . " His name 's Hamadi Zakai . Have you met him ? " Max did not immediately respond . He was staring at Antonio rather intently . Antonio thought for sure he had the word charlatan written across his forehead in big bold letters and started to squirm under Max 's gaze . After ten seconds , Max spoke a single word . " Yes . " Silence descended like a dark cloud . However , Max regained his composure and suggested that it was time they got on back to the university . It was just past 8 : 30 when Dr . Richardson drove past Devlin 's house . The Mercedes , he noticed , was still in the driveway . A bit farther down the road there was a car parked on the shoulder with no one inside . Dr . Richardson parked his car and got out . Looking through the driver 's window , he could see the key in the ignition . The driver 's door wasn 't locked , so he got in . A briefcase was lying open on the passenger seat with some papers inside , and he carefully picked up the rental car agreement which was on top . It was from a rental car agency at the Atlanta Airport and in the name of Hamadi Zakai . Hamadi Zakai . That name was familiar . Dr . Richardson snapped his fingers . Of course ! The man Antonio was talking to on his cell phone at the Summit Inn . Well , isn 't this interesting ? he thought . Antonio has plans to work with this Zakai . There were other papers in the briefcase , and Dr . Richardson glanced through them , disturbing them as little as possible . He found a folder containing airline reservations . Zakai had arrived from Cairo Thursday around midnight and he was to return on a flight this Sunday morning . Evidently he was anticipating finishing his business this weekend . No doubt this business was getting the last page of Savarin 's research . And here was his car parked close to Devlin 's house with no sign of him anywhere . He would undoubtedly be coming back . Dr . Richardson replaced everything in the briefcase and got out . Hurriedly he jumped in his car and drove down the road in search of a place to park . On his right was a hilly , overgrown driveway , and he backed his car in as far as it would go . The area was forested on both sides , but across the road the land was cleared for a line of utility poles that extended far into the distance . As luck would have it , the sun was brightly shining through the opening . Dr . Richardson muttered in disgust as he flipped down the visor . But with his car angled slightly downward , he couldn 't see the road , so he pushed it back up . Squinting in the sun , he sat and waited . It didn 't take long for Hamadi to change into fresh clothes , and he and Jeff were back on the road by 11 : 00 . Hamadi gave Jeff directions once they turned onto Jefferson Road . " It 's not too far down this road . " About 200 feet past the Devlin driveway , the car was spotted . Jeff had been careful not to look down the driveway as they passed , but out of the corner of his eye he noticed that Hamadi had . " Seems like it 's been perfectly safe here , " Jeff remarked as they walked toward the car . " Yes , I 'm so glad , " responded Hamadi . " It 's a rental car . " Turning to Jeff , he held out his hand and Jeff took it with a firm grip . " How can I properly thank you , Jeff . You 've been a lifesaver . " " Glad I was there to help . You know , I 'll probably be another day or two here in Rolling Meadows . What do you say we go out for a bite to eat later ? I 'm on a short vacation with no particular destination in mind , so I have lots of time . " Hamadi considered this . It would be an inconvenience , but yet manners almost demanded that he consent . To say no would give every appearance of ingratitude . He smiled . " Jeff , that is a delightful idea . And you shall be my guest . " " Oh no , absolutely not , " Jeff protested . " I 'm glad just to have someone to eat with . We can head into Finley , if that 's okay . There 's a university there , so we should have a good selection of restaurants to choose from . What time suits you ? " By 10 : 30 Dr . Richardson was struggling to stay awake . Even with the windows down , the car felt hot , and the strain of watching had put him into something of a stupor . He found himself continually nodding off . He was thirsty too . Oh , how he wished he had something cold to drink ! Taking a handkerchief from his pocket , he mopped his forehead . With a sigh , he laid his head back against the headrest and soon dozed off again . He felt the scorching heat on his face while he stood in the middle of a great and terrible desert . All around him lay hundreds of sun - bleached skeletons , wretched men who had expired in anguish with a Coke machine in plain sight . Would he be the next victim ? With a start , Dr . Richardson awoke and licked his lips . His watch read 11 : 15 . Maybe he was wasting his time . The car could have driven past without his knowing it . He was about to drive back down toward Devlin 's and see if it was still there when , to his delight , it made its appearance . He started his engine . Pulling out onto the road , he followed Zakai all the way to Finley , into the parking lot of North Georgia Regional University . The parking lot was fairly empty . No doubt fall break , Dr . Richardson thought . He parked his car at the opposite end of the lot from Zakai and lowered his window . Zakai was in the process of getting out of his car when he unexpectedly pulled his legs back in and closed the door . A broken - down Jeep had parked across from him and two men emerged . One of them was Antonio , and the other surely had to be Max Devlin . The two men separated , Devlin heading into the building and Antonio continuing through the lot . Dr . Richardson watched Zakai exit his car and heard him call out , " Antonio ! " Antonio seemed to be in a state of shock . With arms outstretched , Zakai greeted him with several quick kisses on both cheeks saying , " Antonio , it 's so good to see you . " Antonio appeared to be assimilating this new state of affairs . " Hamadi , I didn 't know you were planning on coming . What a surprise . " Giving a quick look over his shoulder , he put his hand on Hamadi 's arm and steered him back behind the cars in the lot . The building was quiet except for a handful of people lolling about the halls . Dr . Richardson was familiar with this environment , and feeling quite at home , he took a short tour . He made his way to the area where the faculty had their offices on the third floor . The elevator being in use , he took the stairs . He had never met Devlin and thus was not the least hesitant about glancing in his office door as he walked by . The door was open and Devlin was on the telephone listening . Dr . Richardson stopped a few feet beyond the doorway hoping to catch a few words . After about fifteen seconds , Devlin spoke . " You 've been most helpful , Dr . Marshfield . Any time I can return the favor , please let me know . " Dr . Richardson trotted down the hall , found the staircase and went back outside . He needed time to think , and seeing a bench close by he sat down . Looking around , he didn 't see Antonio and Zakai . What had Devlin learned from Dan ? he wondered . That Antonio had been Savarin 's assistant ? Probably . That there may have been some mysterious research that Savarin had been working on ? Quite possibly . That Antonio had taken an unexpected and surprising term off before graduation ? Well , that much , certainly . On the other hand , what had Dan learned from Devlin ? That Antonio had made the acquaintance of a renowned figure in archaeology and ancient languages . What more could there be , for surely Devlin would never have let on that he knew anything about the code Savarin had broken , presuming that his sister - in - law had already showed it to him . For the present , Dr . Richardson felt confident his plan was still on course . Dan didn 't know that he was in Rolling Meadows , only that he was on the sabbatical arranged by Dan himself . Devlin wouldn 't recognize him , he felt certain of that . Antonio was unaware of his presence here in Georgia . And Hamadi Zakai and he were total strangers . Since no one else in Rolling Meadows knew he was here , there was nothing for him to be uneasy about . After Jeff had dropped Hamadi off at his car , he had turned the Cutlass around and gone back the way he had come . Once out of sight , he had again turned around to drive slowly back in the direction of Hamadi 's car but had found it was gone . Speeding up , Jeff had been surprised to see the silver Lexus a little ways ahead . Another car drove in and parked , a disgraceful - looking Jeep Cherokee . Two men got out and strolled the short distance through the parking lot but went separate ways on approaching the entrance of the building . One was Antonio . Jeff was certain the other man had to be Devlin . Hamadi emerged from his car and called to Antonio , and Jeff could see the surprise on Antonio 's face . Nevertheless , they greeted each other cordially and made their way back behind the lot , talking as they went . The Lexus man remained in his car for a minute or so and then entered the building . Jeff decided to follow Hamadi and Antonio . In the car he found a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap , and with these on he stayed about fifteen feet behind them . They made their way to a grouping of park benches and sat down . Jeff rambled in the same direction and sat on a bench facing the other direction . Neither man looked back , apparently unaware of his presence . " . . . whether I can handle it . This Jones character was serious . What if he actually hurts someone ? And Max is suspicious , I know it . He 's probably put the page away where I can 't find it . And now I 'm afraid I 've lost the opportunity to ask him to help me with Dr . Savarin 's work . Oh , why didn 't I ask him yesterday when I first wanted to and tell him the whole story ! How did I get myself into such a mess ? " " Antonio , please , listen to me . Do not fret , I 'll handle it . You don 't need to do another thing . There is a man in Cairo who will aid in publishing the work , and Dr . Savarin will receive all the credit . I 'll find the key myself , if not the actual deciphered code , thus relieving you of any further distress . Let me suggest that you return home tomorrow . " After a period of silence , Antonio spoke . " I don 't know Hamadi . Maybe we should forget it . Is it that important ? I mean does it really matter who discovers the crown ? My main interest is in seeing that Dr . Savarin gets credit for the work that leads to the crown 's discovery , and if Max will help me , everything will still be according to my original plan . " " Antonio , let 's head back . " They got up and walked toward the parking lot . Jeff followed leaving a safe distance between them , but was now no longer able to hear . Upon reaching the lot , Hamadi gave Antonio an affectionate farewell and drove off . Left alone , Antonio dejectedly made his way inside the building that Jeff had seen both Devlin and the Lexus man enter . The elevator was on the first floor , and Antonio got right in . The Lexus man reappeared from the building about a minute later . He sat down on a bench , apparently thinking , while Jeff watched . After several minutes , Jeff saw him nonchalantly stroll to his car and drive off . Jeff darted to his own car and followed him to Taco Bell . The Taco Bell was crowded , and the Lexus man deftly backed his car into a space between two larger vehicles , a minivan and a pickup truck . He got out and went inside . Waiting until he was out of sight , Jeff squeezed his Cutlass into the space on the other side of the mini - van . He lowered his windows and slumped down . The Lexus man returned and opened his car window . Cautiously raising his head , Jeff peered through the windows of the van and saw him unwrap his lunch . When he had finished eating , he got out and threw the trash in the can behind the pickup truck . Back inside , he picked up his cell phone . What luck ! Jeff thought , and he sat up and poked his head out the window . After a few moments the Lexus man spoke . It took much concentration and straining , but Jeff was able to pick up his side of the conversation . " Ben there ? It 's Len calling . . . Give me that number , will you . I don 't have it . . . Thanks . " Within a minute , he continued . " Ben , where are you ? . . . Hey , listen for a minute . I 've got some more bad news for you . Antonio is leaving me completely out of it . There 's a guy from Cairo here named Hamadi Zakai , and I saw him with Antonio half an hour ago at the university where Devlin teaches . They were real chummy , let me tell you . . . Are you sure ? I wonder if Devlin knows of him ? Oh , and I overhead Devlin on the phone talking to Dan Marshfield at Middlestates , so you can bet that he 's on to Antonio . . . No , I think I 'm going to stake out his office at the house . I 'll wait until the whole bunch of them head out somewhere and then see if I can get inside . All I need to do is copy the page . " Jeff heard the engine start and saw the man , whom he now knew as Len , pull out , still holding the phone to his ear . Jeff followed the Lexus all the way back to Rolling Meadows . As the Lexus passed The Fairview , it slowed down to a crawl . Len was staring at a car in the lot , Hamadi 's rental car . Stepping on the gas , he continued on to the Rolling Meadows Travel Lodge where he turned in . At a leisurely speed , Jeff drove back to his room at The Fairview . Lying down on the bed , he tried to figure out his next move . It was already 2 : 00 on Friday afternoon and he needed to come to some decision soon . Maybe he could think better on a full stomach . The Dairy Queen he had spotted earlier in the day came to mind . |
Perhaps the end of the world really is coming tomorrow , otherwise how can we explain what crap day this was ? ! Seems that everyone is having a hell of a day today . Mine started out at 7 : 45 am with a phone call from a client who 's dogs ( 2 out of 3 ) ate Hershey 's Kisses that were left on the couch . I was up , but still in bed . He was in a panic and I felt I had to go over there to induce vomiting . I roll out of bed , throw clothes on , brush my teeth and head out . My peroxide was expired , so I stopped at the corner store to grab a new bottle ( $ 1 . 39 , how reasonable ! ) In my zombie state I get to his house in record time , meet his boyfriend ( the candy culprit ) and head out back with the dogs to give them peroxide in hopes that they will vomit up the chocolate . No such luck . It was a big waiting game with no end result . In the midst of awaiting regurgitation , I get a text from another client with a dog who has been vomiting on and off since yesterday . She asked if I would take him to the vet today since the vomiting started again . I told her yes , but I had to wait until these dogs threw up first . I called the vet to reschedule her appointment and see if I should bring in the 2 chocolate mongers . Turns out that they did not eat enough for it to be toxic , but enough for there to be vomiting and / or diarrhea . Fun times . I wait with them until a little after 9 to see if anything came up or out . It didn 't , so I put them in the crate , met up with Terry , gave fluids to a cat and went to get the other dog to take him to the vet . We were there for over an hour making sure he wasn 't obstructed since he was supposed to be traveling to Florida today . After x - rays , fluids , and an anti - nausea shot , he was still lackluster . Poor kid . By this time it 's lunch and we have 8 more places to go , plus check on the chocolate dogs again . The city was full of traffic , road closures , no turn signals , and bad drivers . I still have round 3 to feed / give insulin to tonight . If this was the last day on Earth , I 'm thoroughly disappointed . Posted by So this was a story from a summer event that I never touched upon . It was horrible , yet quite humorous at the same time . I was watching animals near South St . They are in cages ( thank god ) so they were not in any harm . Seemed that in the wee hours of the morning , a man attempted to break into the house from the 2nd floor . He used the patio furniture to break the kitchen window , the alarm went off , and then he retreated . When the police came , they found the guy passed out on the roof of the neighbors house . He claimed that this was his hotel ( so he thought ) and he couldn 't get in . . . . Apparently he was a well - to - do man with a nice haircut , however not the brightest guy in the world . There was quite a bit of effort on his part with climbing and furniture moving , etc . Then he was stupid enough to just fall asleep . Luckily nothing was stolen , no one was harmed , and the damage was minimal . Just crazy adult drunken fun . . . It 's funny that I am noticing how certain pets seem to have S . A . D . ( Seasonal Affective Disorder ) One in particular ( my Stan man ) seems so down in the dumps on gloomy , rainy days . He flops , he grumbles to himself , growls a lot , and goes out to pee at the closest tree before dragging me home . I don 't know what to do for him except remain upbeat and give him treats to make him smile . Post treat , I still get the exasperated face , heavy sigh , and a flop on his bed . Ok , so this isn 't really a pet sitting adventure , but more of a pet store adventure . Last week we were at Petsmart in South Philly getting some fish . While we were there , they announced the puppy school graduation over the loud speaker . Next thing we know , they are playing the commencement music throughout the store . The one fish guy commented that once a lady started crying when she heard this . I can understand that , this song evokes all kinds of emotion ! I was doing fine until I saw the 2 graduating puppies ( 1 tiny black poodle and a small pit puppy who was smiling from ear to ear ) Their owners walked them around the store to the commencement music while everyone else in the class stood around them cheering with their own puppies . I was holding back tears it was so emotional ! ! ! You may laugh , but I dare you to go to one of these things and not get choked up . Posted by First , I had to say goodbye to 2 awesome dogs ( and awesome neighbors ) . They are having a baby and moving to the burbs ( I lose so many clients this way ! :( ) Their move kept getting pushed back , so I just kept saying goodbye to the dogs every week . Sigh . . . they surely entertained me during the time that I had them twice a week . Most recently the beagle had to have surgery on her leg and was in a crate during the day to restrict her activity . 90 % of the time she was very good about it , but certain days she was very stubborn . Wasn 't it bad enough that her butt was shaved and she had to wear an e - collar ? ! Then I had to get her in the crate ? ! Such meanies we are : ) She would jump on the couch and look at me with defiance in her eyes . I would tell her to go in the crate and she wouldn 't budge . I would nudge her and she would glare . One day I sat down next to her on the couch and took my phone out . I said to her , " Fine , I 'm just going to call your mother and tell her that you won 't go in your crate . " As soon as I started to dial , she jumped off the couch and flew into her crate . Too smart for her own good ! : ) Posted by So Saturday I had to go to Society Hill Towers . The West Tower to get a key , and then the North Tower to feed cats . I arrive at the North Tower and see this , a fire truck . Awesome . I go in , find out that they have not given the all clear yet , so the elevators are out . My client lives on the 18th floor . So I wait . I wait with all of the older folks in the lobby for security to tell us we can go back upstairs . First there was one older couple who were sitting and talking . They got a call on their cell from a friend in the building ( Frank ) who was watching them from his apartment on the monitor channel . They were waiving at the camera getting a kick out of it . Then another couple showed up , they were friends with the first ones . Same phone call , waiving at Frank again , etc . . . It was taking longer and longer , so I asked security of I could walk up . He asked what floor . I said , " Eighteen . . . " He said , " Are you sure ? " I have no patience to wait , so I said I was . I began my journey up to the 18th floor on foot . It took less time than I thought , however I was panting , cursing , and out of breath by the time I got up there . I sat down at the top , and no sooner heard the announcement over the loud speaker that it was a faulty smoke head and we have the all clear for the elevators . Fuuucckk ! Well , at least I know if I have to walk up for the 18th floor , I can . Good cardio , good sweat . Those dace classes are playing off . Bitch of Bella Vista struck again ! This woman infuriates me ! So we had a lovely dinner last night and post dinner I had a dog walk . We also had to stop by 7 - 11 , so we grabbed the dog and walked him all the way over to 11th and Washington . It was a Sunday at about 8 : 30 ish . . . I 'm shocked at what I saw while walking . I thought I would show Mike the street where the bitch lived and where the dog pooped . ( Nothing like a walking tour of bathroom habits ) Mind you , I was walking a different dog last night . We head down the street , I point out the poop spot ( unanimously declared city property ) and the house that she lived in . I elaborately told the story . He is starting to believe me because the last time we walked this dog together , ANOTHER bitchy woman came out of her house with her husband and kids following giving me a hard time about the dog peeing on the tree in front of her house . She claims that she is going to put a sign out there . There were no plants , no shrubs , no gnomes . . . just a tree and dirt within the sidewalk . Once again I had to explain that " It 's a dog , they pee on trees . . . " That never goes over well with animal haters . I will pose this challenge to them . Try to move a 90 + lb dog in mid stream / poop because the people who live across the street have a problem with it . It is not only rude to the dog , but it cannot be done easily . Next time I will use the human analogy . If you finally found a toilet and REALLY had to go , even started going , and someone pulled you off of it saying , " No ! Not this toilet ! Find another one ! " you would be quite upset and possibly get a bladder infection . I digress . . . so we go to our errand . This dog and I are waiting on the corner for Mike to come out of the store . He is sitting nicely , listening to my every word , and I look up to see a ( hooker ? ) walking with a young kid . She is wearing slip on sandals with socks , black capri tights that have sheer wavy parts all the way up to the hip , black lace bra , tiny tank top shredded in the back , and a big bag . She is stumbling through PetSitterLife What a weird day ! Terry was helping me out with all of my animal duties . 3 visits were cancelled last minute today , so we had a little time to kill . I got to pick up a package from the post office at 9th and Dickenson ( so out of the way ! ) and then I suggested that we go to visit the aquarium store at 7th and Morris . Terry had never been there , and it is worth a trip . Amazing fish , well kept , healthy , and a sweet cat that guards the door . : ) We get our fill of fish , and then get in the car . We get a few blocks north and I see a rottweiler wandering on 7th St . She stopped the car and we looked around for a human to go along with the dog . I didn 't see one . They were doing construction right next to her , so I asked one of the workers if the dog lived there . They said they never saw the dog before . So here is what is strange . We were at 7th and Reed , there are tons of people walking around seeing an adult Rottweiler walking around the neighborhood , and no one cares . No one knew who the dog was or where it lived . She was super friendly and seemed to have a UTI . I called QVAH to see if anyone reported a missing Rott , they hadn 't . I called animal control and waited on hold forever . While on hold we started following the dog to make sure she didn 't get hit by a car or wander too far away . I tried to give her some treats I had and some water from a bottle . She decided that it was better to lick up feces with whole corn in it . Yeah . . . . . Another guy walked by and I asked him if he knew the dog . This was about the 6th or 7th person we asked . He said , " Oh yeah , it lives down that street by the second pole . Lives with the Mexicans . " This neighborhood is ALL Asian and Mexican it seems . So we follow the dog down the street and she stops at this dilapidated old house with a wood door that is falling apart . She starts sniffing the door , so I knock . I hear kids screaming , and then a lady yells , " What ? Who is there ? " I ask if she lost her dog . She comes to the door looking like she is about to give birth , and says , " Oh yeah . " The dog goes inside and she is just staring at us . We tell her that the dog was wandering around at 7th and Reed , no collar , and seems to have a UTI . I advised her to take the dog to a vet . She just nodded and smiled , didn 't seem thankful at all . . . didn 't notice that her 90lb dog was not in her house ! Ugh , I " m happy the dog is home , I just wish it was a better home . What an ordeal ! As a rule , workmen and pets never work . They always do something like let them out , leave doors open , leave chemicals out , etc . There is a house that has been having a ton of work done lately and most recently the steps were supposed to be refinished . As you may know , no one can walk on the stairs after they are stained . This poses a problem when you have a cat . I was told to put the cat in the upstairs bedroom with all of his stuff ( food , litter , etc ) I did it , showed the contractors , and was on my way . When I came back the next day ( when they said it was safe to use the stairs ) , the door was open and there was no cat . No note , no warning . He is an indoor / outdoor cat , but everything was exactly where I put it the day before . I look for the cat EVERYWHERE . I can 't find him . I go out back and stand on chairs looking around for him , calling his name . Still no response . After about an hour and countless mosquito bites , I go back outside 1 more time . I see him sleeping on the neighbors roof right behind the wall . He is completely camouflaged ! He is also dead asleep . Given the fact that he is 16 years old , his hearing isn 't so great either . I didn 't know how to wake him up and get him to eat . I just started picking up handfuls of his dry food and tossing it on him hoping to get him to stir . Nothing ! ! What will it take to wake this cat up ? ! I go down to the kitchen and stand at the door while opening a can of fancy feast . He wakes right up , stretches , and comes over to eat breakfast like nothing was ever wrong . Little did he know , he nearly gave me a heart attack . Posted by What a busy weekend ! I was running around like a crazy person this morning because everyone had morning visits ( including 2 diabetic cats ) In the midst of my first cat visit , I received a text from a dog neighbor that they were stuck out of state and they needed me to let the kids out . I obliged because I love them ( the guys and the dogs ) , but it added one more morning visit ! Grr . . . I did however get showered with shih tzu kisses which made my morning from this face So I continue on with all of my morning activities and I get another last minute dog walk text . The instructions were to come whenever , so at least it was flexible . It is a dog on Elfreths Alley . The only downside of taking a dog out for a walk there is all of the tourists that watch you and ask , " So what 's it like to live here ? ! " So the rambunctious shepherd and I go for a walk , the destination being Bone Jour for a treat . We make it over there and there is a handsome , big headed black and white dog in there already . My dog is super jumpy as it is , and it 's a small store . I went in , and then tried to back up towards the door to give them room to sniff . I stepped back with my left foot right into the water bowl , and then the dog did the same thing . Nothing like a big fluffy tail in a water bowl wagging on your pants . I decided we were being too destructive and that we should go back home . While walking down the street I realized that the back of my pants are wet from the butt down due to her wet waggy tail . Great , she is happy and I look like I peed all over myself in Old City on a Sunday afternoon . Yeah . . . that was my day . . . Yesterday I was walking a dog through the park / playground around 11am . I keep forgetting that schools have started back up . I am used to the line of kids walking hand - in - hand or attached to a long rope so as not to lose each other . What I wasn 't prepared for was the interaction . The dog had decided to take a rest and lay by a tree . The tree just happened to be next to the exit and fence . I had an entire preschool class , probably 15 - 20 kids , waiving and yelling , " Bye doggie ! ! ! ! " It was cute for the first 30 seconds . Then they all started barking . So here I am with a dog that doesn 't want to walk , being barked at by 20 little kids as they slowly walk by with their little legs . Nothing I can really do but wait . . . . and hope that no one sees this . I then head over to South St , pondering the question of going to the right to get tokens , or to the left and head towards cats . I go one way , then turn around into this girl ( in her 20 's I guess ? ) who asks me where she can go for breakfast . I ask her what kind of breakfast she wants , thinking of all the great places I can let her in on . She replies , " A hangover breakfast . " So I ask if she wants to stay on South St , she says yes , and I started telling her that South St . Diner was really the only place during the week on the street . I start pointing to 2nd st and telling her where it was , and she angrily cuts me off and goes , " Yeah , ok thanks ! " and walks away ! ! I know you are hung over on a Monday , but you asked MY advice . Ugh ! These people . This day started out perfectly fine ! Beautiful weather , feeling good from dance last night . . . . I was walking with my head held high . I turned the corner of my street and came upon a black cat walking across the street to one of my clients houses . I think to myself , " well that 's cute ! He is visiting . " Then he walks inside ! I get over there and see that the door is wide open , seems that there is work being done in the house . I step in , look at the cat , and say , " What are you doing ? " He turns around and leaves . The odd thing is that I don 't see the 2 dogs that live there . I yell hello , but there is no answer . I shut the door and call the owner to let him know what just happened , and that is the door is open again , he may come home to a black cat in his house . The rest of the day is going smoothly , and then . . . THEN I go get one of my favorite dogs to walk . We go on out normal route down Kimball . He likes to visit the cats that live by the garden . He stops almost at the end of the street and poops . As I am reaching for a poop bag , this woman comes out of her house , hands up in the air , loudly sighing , and saying , " Oh come on ! ! ! " And I look over and say , " What ? " She says , " What do you think ? ? ! ! " And I said , " Oh , that he pooped ? Don 't worry , I 'm picking it up . " She said , " I know . I 've seen you before . I have you on camera picking up the poop . " Um , whaa ? ? ? So then she goes into a rant of where I should walk him , and why don 't I walk him behind CVS , and " don 't make it a habit of walking him down here ! " I 'm proud of myself for remaining completely calm to her condescending tone , but I told her that I am a dog walker , and I pick up after my dogs which is more than most owners do around here . And that this is a sweet older dog who pooped on city property . I pick up and throw it away , there is no need to get mad . Then she gets all snarky and tells me that that particular part of the pavement the poop was on was private property owned by that particular business . There was a truck and an open garage door , so I said , " Oh ! Well , I can go in there and ask them if they mind me walking the dog on their property if I pick up after him . " She quickly said , " No don 't , they won 't mind . I just want you to know it 's private property . " So I ended by telling her that we live in a city full of dogs , they are doing no harm , and to have a nice day . I did however walk away fuming and now feel compelled to walk him there EVERY SINGLE DAY just to piss her off for being such a bitch to me ! Why do people do this ? How do they have so much time on their hands that they feel the need to hover at the door to scoff at passers by . And how was my walking a dog down her street more annoying than the 2 pomeranians who bark incessantly out the window 2 doors down and the young guy drinking a 40 on his skateboard at noon ? But the quiet girl with the golden retriever gets a comment . Ugh ! ! ! Posted by Too cute for your own good ! And too sneaky ! ! ! This is a young cat who loves love , but even moreso , loves to run out the door and scare the hell out of me . Thank god these people live in an apartment building and he just has the hallway , but the little bugger can fly out that front door without me knowing ! Then he takes off down the hall , I chase after him , he rolls on his back , I get to him , and then he takes off the other way . It 's like a ritual . He tries to get on his dads chair lift and take a ride , he rolls on feet , and is just the sweetest thing ever . He is lucky he is so cute . Makes it much easier to tolerate his antics . Just finished 2 of my " round 2 " cats of the day . By the time I got to Broad and Pine , I was sweaty and exhausted ! Back to the cat who I love and the mother who I love more . Seeing them twice a day is a pleasure . The cat has gotten MUCH better at taking her pills and now eats her liquid medication in a ball of food . I draw up the medicine in a syringe while the cats grandmother makes a little " bowl of wet food " in her hand . I squirt the medicine in , and then she folds the sides to make a meatball . It 's a team effort . : ) I caught a cab coming back home because I just couldn 't bear to walk it again , and my cab driver was awesome ! Well , very nice and liked to talk . He was Islamic and liked cats , but not dogs . He told me a story of a time where he had a passenger in the cab , and they were stopped at a corner . There was a woman standing there with a huge dog " like donkey " who proceeded to lean his head over through the drivers window and lick his face . The driver freaks out , telling her to get the dog away because it is going to eat his face . She tried to tell him the dog is friendly , he doesn 't buy it . No prior trauma , just doesn 't like dogs . But cat 's are ok . . . because the prophets liked cats and let them sleep in their clothes . Oh , and men need women . And women need men to be queen . It was an interesting ride . . . . There are houses that I feel completely comfortable in , however there is a piece of art or stuffed animal that just creeps me out . I have not taken pictures over the years ( I wish I had ) , and believe me , I am not out to offend anyone . People are entitled to their own taste in household items . They should know that I am easily creeped , especially by clowns . Posted by Let me start by saying that I have been doing an overnight job since Wednesday . My little buddy and I have played and snuggled all night without any problems for almost 5 days . We weathered a bad thunderstorm , we watched TV , we read magazines , we filled a kong with peanut butter , it was a good time . Last night was my last night sleeping there . I was exhausted and hoped for a good night of sleep . I did not get that . I will preface this by saying that I sleep on the couch . I am one of those people that needs to sleep with the TV on ( I know I shouldn 't ) , but especially in a strange house . Most people 's guest bedrooms do not have a TV , so I usually end up on a couch , which is fine with me . So anyway , at about 2 : 30 a . m . I am awoken by loud quick knocking at the front door . I thought I was imagining it , but I looked at the dog who woke up as well . He proceeded to bark , and in my haze I see someone at the front door ! I couldn 't make out much , except for a red shirt , big hair , and 2 hands cupped . They have a leaded glass front door , but if you look close enough you can see right in . That is what this person was doing ! I picked my head up , laid back down and tried not to move . I must have fallen asleep again for a few minutes because I woke up to the same thing soon after ! I am then saying to myself , " If they stay at this door I 'm calling the cops . " At this point I am just awake and peripherally watching the door and the front window for the next 2 hours . I kept seeing people walk by , but no more knocking . Finally , both the dog and I fell back asleep and we woke up at 6 : 30 am . Not much sleep . I 'm groggy and laying around until about 7 at which point I need the bathroom . I figure my little man does too , so I ask if he wants to go out back and he runs to the door . I walk out back with him and shut the door behind me so that the flies don 't come in . He does his business , I pick it up , I go to open the door and it 's locked . Fuuuuucccckkkk ! ! ! So let me paint you a picture . I am stuck with a dog at 7am in a back patio area with NOTHING on me . No phone , no keys , no ideas . So I try to push the door open , no luck . There are fly bags held up by wire hangers , so I grab a hanger and see if I can pick the lock . Again , no luck . I stand on a chair to check other yards and there is NO ONE . There is a back door that leads to an ally and then to the street . I leave the dog in the yard , pull open the " door " to the street which was nailed shut , and hurry home . There is no one around at all , and my worst case scenario is waiting outside my house until Mike goes to work . Luckily I run into my neighbor / client right away and she lends me her phone . I get Mike to open the door for me so that we can brainstorm and I can check to see if I have any phone numbers available of people who may have a spare key . Nope ! Everything is on my phone . We got a ride back over to the clients house by my neighbors husband thinking we are either calling a locksmith or breaking the door . The best I could do was e - mail the owners sister and ask her to call Mike 's cell if she had a key . She called , but had no key . I was about to have Mike break the back door and just pay for repairs . There is no locksmith that will come before 8am ! Now we are back in the patio area . I learned an important lesson . When you have a fly trap bag , you do not set it down on a table . They can get out that way , and fly goo comes out . Then it smells like rotting death and there are black flies EVERYWHERE . The dog is barking , I 'm swatting flies and trying to get the bag hung back up so that they can go back in and Mike is trying to figure out a way into the house . Standing there with the flies and the smell and the barking dog before 8am was awful , and he said he felt like he was in a level of hell . Agreed ! But we needed to get in . There were 2 windows in the back off the 2nd floor landing . One big and one tiny . Mike climbs up onto the wall , then the landing / roof to see if either of the windows are open . Of course the During the storm Stanley has been another dog that has been resisting heat . I don 't blame him one bit ! We have been having some behavioral problems with him not walking in general . After training sessions , great ideas ( and great food bribes ) , we are seeing improvement ! What I have learned with him is that he gets anxious when his mind is not focused on something . His brain needs to be challenged . When he gets his leash on , he gets a treat . We go outside and he puts the breaks on . I get him to focus on a small treat . I then throw it as far as I can and make it a game of " let 's find it ! " . he seems to respond to that ! If I find it first I pick it back up . If he finds it first he eats it . We do this maybe 2 - 3 times until he is walking well . Then in between I have him sit and high five / give me paw every half block or so . He gets a treat then too . He seems to enjoy having a task and has been much better outside . No barking . No laying down . I 'm the treat gal ! : ) For the first few days it 's a bit nicer out . Still many visits , but not sweating AS much as I have been . Yay ! I can 't wait for fall . I have been having trouble getting many of the bigger dogs out in the heat . Shane is one is them . He prefers to lay on the cold tile in the bathroom instead of going out for a walk . There have been a few things that got him to get up and come downstairs : 2 showers before noon : ( It is so muggy out ! ! This has been a tough week . I am losing 2 great clients . They are leaving the city and while I can 't expect people to stay forever , I expect people to stay forever ! ! My feeling is that my business is going to go through some changes in the near future . Every time someone leaves the city , I panic and try to replace them with another client . I also had to tell a client yesterday that I can no longer walk her dog due to the location of her new apartment . I hated to do it , but when I have to cross Delaware Ave on foot ( a death - defying act ) , it 's time for them to find someone else . It 's like a break - up . I love the dog and the client , I just have to create my boundaries and stick to them . An hour ordeal is not worth the $ 15 that I would be making . Sigh . . . Here are the kids that I had to say goodbye to this week . They will all have new lives outside of the city . I will miss them so much ! ! I am trying to get back into this as I have alot to say , I just don 't always have the time to say it . A few weeks ago I could be considered the subcutaneous fluid queen ! There were 2 separate instances where I was needed for renal cats . One was a family who was going on vacation . They have an elderly cat who needs fluids every other day and their original sitter was not returning their calls . I got a frantic call from someone stating that they only needed someone to give fluids . The feeding / litter / cleaning was taken care of . I felt so horrible that I agreed . Turned out to be the sweetest old lady cat who was squirmy , but overall very good ! ! Another client called me frantic because her cat was just diagnosed with renal failure ( plus a host of other problems ) and she had to give fluids at home . She nearly passed out , was having panic attacks , and couldn 't handle sticking the needle in . After the first fluid visit , I went to teach her how to do it and hope that she stayed conscious . She got a little woozy the first time watching me , but she is getting the hang of it now ! Yay ! About a week later I had to watch her cats . The sick one is on a special food , while the other cat is on her regular food . They must be fed in separate rooms and kept away from eachother during meal times . She had been leaving the special food out all day in efforts to get the sickie kid to eat more . When I got there , the food was on the window sill in the bedroom and I saw something moving . The cat jumped up and I said , " Aw , is there a little buggie in your food ? " Turned out it was a swarm of ants that came in through the air conditioner unit and they were having a smorgasbord ! I hate swarms of insects , so I grabbed the bowl and ran to the bathroom , turned on the water , and tried to drown them all . In the midst of this the cat is following me as if to say , " Hey ! Where are you taking my food ? ? " We found a safe , bug - free spot to put the bowl and all was well . The ants in this city are so demanding ! ! Saturday was an interesting day in that it was kind of nice out , but all the crazies were out ! I bought a transpass this week for my many bus needs in this heat . I would take the bus 3 blocks if it was coming , just because I could . I was at 9th and Christian and saw the bus coming so I decided to take it to south . While waiting , this guy who literally looks like a leprechaun asks if you were allowed to eat on the bus . As I am answering him , I am staring at thick , curly , bush of hair coming out of each ear and can 't help but wonder what his deal is . He is maybe 5ft tall , small build , reddish curly hair , in his 50 's , highish voice , and walked like Igor . I told him that technically you are not supposed to eat on the bus , but that they really don 't care . He gets all excited and says , " You think I can get a lemonade ? ? ! ! " I told him , " Sure . " He comes out of the corner store with a water ice . He throws the spoon on a table as the bus approaches and tells me he is going to hide it ! I told him he didn 't need to , but he shoved the water ice in his grocery bag . I see him on the bus sneaking licks all hunched over , not facing the driver . Sigh . . . One this particular bus are 2 VERY large black women from out of town completely done up and ready to go out . They seem to be in their 30 's with tons of makeup and jewelry . They have skintight outfits on , no bra , mini skirt , and they are taking pictures of themselves and eachother while on the bus . The driver is giving them a guided tour of 9th st . Then one of them goes , " So what exactly IS a hoagie ? " Sigh again . . . . we just passed Sarcones . This trip is taking so much longer because the driver has to explain the origin of a hoagie , a cheesesteak , and every restaurant . Now granted , they seemed like really fun ladies , but I had a date to pill a cat and was kind of in a rush . Septa is always an adventure . Summer is here ! Well , nearly . . . but it is vacation season and beach season ! Well . . . . for everyone else . This is the time of year when I re . . . Oh boy , are you people in for a crazy story ! A few weeks ago I was walking a dog in in neighborhood and Terry came to pick me up . There are . . . I have been a vet tech since 1998 and a pet sitter in Philadelphia since 2001 . I worked at Center City Animal Clinic from 2001 - 2005 and then at Queen Village Animal Hospital from 2005 - 2010 . Throughout that time , I was pet sitting on the side . Before work , after work , lunch breaks , weekends . . . until I finally decided to just do it full time ! I spend my days walking from house to house , meeting people along the way , and seeing strange Philadelphia happenings as well . I love the animals and I love to write . I hoped to combine the two to provide entertaining stories that will hopefully end up being in a book one day . Ahem . . : ) |
Well , I 'm disgusted . I went home to eat lunch today only to find my husband , darling man that he is , freaking out about the pool liner . It looks like it 's going to be too short on the one side . This is going to mean draining what little water we have in the pool already and redistributing the liner . It 's backtracking and no one likes to do that . And to top it all off , we can 't get to it until the weekend because it 's a two person job . So , I 'm disgusted with the situation . Going to just have to grin and bear it , I guess . I broke down and made an appointment with the doc for next Monday ( okay LaDonna ? lol ) . I have to get my scheduled bloodwork done anyway , so I 'll kill two birds with one stone . I still don 't think these nosebleeds are serious , but I want the doc to tell me that . Tonight I am going to take my elderly great uncle out to dinner , if his schedule permits . . . haha . He 's such a busy man . I know he had an errand to run today that was about a 20 mile drive . Then his band , yes , his band , might have practice tonight , so he may not be able to squeeze me in ! haha . He 's the accordian player in a Tamburitza band , playing Croation music . I can 't even begin to tell you how many years he has been in the band , but it 's been a few decades , that 's for sure . My great grandfather , his dad , played accordian also . Music runs thick in my bloodline , and it 's really blossoming with my son and his guitar now . I 'm so proud of him ( I 'm proud of my daughter , also , but today it 's brag - on - Nick - day ! ) . Nick is fully immersing himself in music . He 's teaching guitar lessons , operating a d . j . service , and most importantly , going to school for a degree in music composition . I hold no illusions that he will ever become rich from this field ( although it is a remote possibility ) , but I feel certain that Nick will always be happy in his work . Music really is in his soul and when he plays it shows . I can 't take all the credit , in fact ALL of the credit really goes to God for giving Nick this special gift . I must also say that Ev 's uncle is very musically talented . We don 't really have much contact with his uncle , just due to distance and whatever , but he made a living teaching music . So the stars aligned when Nick was born and hopefully he will continue to progress and have a good life doing what he wants to do ! I have worked on the mystery through clue 5 . Looked at clue 6 , but not going to start on it tonight . Got another lousy nosebleed and I am just disgusted about it . I keep checking my blood pressure and it 's okay , so I have no clue what 's going on , but they have really become frequent , almost daily , occurrences , and I 'm just plain disgusted . Guess if it keeps up I 'll make an appointment with the doc , but I really don 't know what he can do . Last time I went in for them I had to see and ear nose and throat doc and he just made it worse . Ev has to go in tonight and work half of the midnight shift on his machine . It means he has to go in for four hours , from 11pm to 3am . Stinks . Well , at least he got a good dinner tonight . I did make the steaks on the broiler for him and I , and the mushroom caps for Nick . Had our corn on the cob and steamed broccoli and garlic toast . Didn 't make the potatoes or mac salad . Still got the hose in the pool . It is s . l . o . w . to fill . What a project . It will be worth it when it 's all done , at least . I know Nick and Johanna will enjoy it , and Ev certainly will . He likes to get in the pool before work to cool off . It helps to have your body temp down a little before going into that hot factory every afternoon . I 'll be in it after work in the evenings . I really do not like to press as I sew , but it is a necessary evil . . . I 'm working on the Summer mystery and I 'm at a point where I MUST stop and press the pieces before I move on to the next clue . So I took a break to post ! haha . Been working on the pool all weekend . Good thing we had three days off , because there isn 't any way we could have gotten it all done in just two . In fact , it 's going to take even longer to get it finished because it 's filling so slowly , but at least we are in the home stretch of it all . Went to that wedding yesterday and had a nice time . Nick spent the night here and is still asleep . I am hoping he sticks around for dinner this evening . I bought steaks for Ev and I , and bought some big portabella mushroom caps for him . Also going to make steamed fresh broccoli and corn on the cob . Might put some potatoes in the microwave for baked potatoes . And I am halfway thinking about making some macaroni salad , since Ev likes it so much , but I really don 't want to heat up the kitchen . It 's getting really warm out . Probably be putting the air conditioning on before too long . Sure don 't look forward to that power bill once we do . We sure had a busy day today . Still working on the pool liner . We got the pad down and the liner in , but haven 't started filling it yet . We will start that tomorrow morning , early . Probably won 't get filled all the way tomorrow , but at least we will have a good start on it . Went to a wedding this afternoon . The people Nick is living with got married uptown today . It was a nice wedding . The ceremony itself was very short . I started on the Summer Mystery today . Last night I got all the material cut . Tonight I just did clue one , but at least it 's a start . The clues look pretty simple so far . I only cut enough pieces to do the baby quilt , but I made sure that I had enough material to make a bigger one if I like it . Worked outside on the pool today . Got almost all the water out of it and all the yucky leaves out . Tomorrow we can take the old liner out and put the new one in and start filling it . Hopefully . This is really quite a project , but one we only have to do infrequently ( every 9 years or so . . . ) and it 's worth it when the pool is up and ready to roll . I did cut the pieces for the 2011 Summer Mystery on the one group I belong to . I downloaded all the clues and looked at the first one . Since there are only 8 clues I should be able to finish the top this weekend . It all depends on how things go with the pool I guess . We have a wedding to go to tomorrow at 3 . I doubt we will be there very long . Posted by Nick and I took a ride to the repair shop this evening . We took the old Singer machine down there so the repairman would be able to use it for parts . He wasn 't going to knock anything off the price of the repairs , that I could tell , until I showed him 8 brand new packages of industrial needles and five bobbins for industrial machines . Then he knocked 30 bucks off the repair price of 55 ! And for the record I think 55 was high . Let 's hope the machine works correctly now and doesn 't need any more repairs for another 30 years . After Kohl 's , we picked up Johanna and the three of us went to Lotawata Creek for dinner . It was very very good , as usual . Had a ton of leftovers , of course . Ev will be digging in to them later , I 'm sure ! Today I 'm saying goodbye to an old friend . I 'm taking the 1937 Industrial Singer to the repair shop for the last time . I 'm giving it to the guy who runs the shop to use for parts if he wants it . Nick put it in the car last night for me and I 'm heading right to the shop after work . Nick may be going with me to the repair shop so we can go over to Edwardsville and get him a pair of slacks , shirt , and a tie to wear at the upcoming weddings he is attending . Then we may pick up Johanna and go get some dinner . All kind of up in the air , but whatever happens I 'm sure we will have a good time . Ivy got out of the yard last night . Nick stopped home for a few minutes after lessons and he took the garbage to the street for me . Well , he left the back gate open and when Ivy went out to go potty , she discovered her door to freedom ! I went to let her back in and when she didn 't come I noticed the gate was open . When I looked out , she was over in the field across the street chasing a rabbit or two ! She was certainly giving chase to something and having a grand old time . She didn 't come when I called , so I went into the house to get jeans on ( I was in night clothes ) . By the time I got back outside and to the gate , she was standing there waiting to come in ! She 's not a bad doggy . Maybe Ev and I will take her to the lake again this weekend . I am so looking forward to having three days off ! We are going to work on the pool , and hopefully get it up and running this weekend . It 's not going to be easy , but I am confident we can do it . Just going to have to do it one step at a time . We put it up in the beginning and between Ev and I , I 'm sure we can figure out how to do it again . The kids are going to help , too . Would anyone be surprised if I told them we woke up to rain this morning ? Again ? It 's been cold and rainy here all day . Again . As predicted , I did not do any more sewing last night on the cover for the cedar chest . Tonight I fully intend to finish it , wash it , and put it on the chest . I do have a little bit of concern that the beast ( aka Ivy ) might decide it 's a snack . She was pretty good yesterday with the exception of destroying a throw pillow while I was in St . Louis . She can be excused because she did it while we were having storms and the sirens were going off and she was all alone . At least I 'm telling myself she can be excused , and really , as long as Ev and I are okay with it , that 's all that matters . Right ? ? ? sigh . Now , I know I really don 't need to be starting another mystery , because I 'm knee deep in Roll Roll Cotton Boll . However . . . . . there is a mystery I would like to follow along with on Saturday on one of my groups . It looks like it will be a nice , easy , pattern . It uses four bright colors and one dark . I have chosen the materials for it . To begin with , I will make the baby size or the lap size quilt . I am going to make sure that I have enough material to make more blocks if I want to turn it into a larger quilt . Went to see Jersey Boys , the musical , tonight . We drove through some horrible storms . At one point cars were off into the ditch . I know we hydroplaned a couple times . It was not a fun ride down there . Once we got there it was pouring rain . We went to eat first and I was very cold sitting in the restaurant , soaking wet ! But the food was good and the show was good , so that made up for it ! There were tornado warnings all around , again . Nick was at the house for a while with the dog . She destroyed a pillow , but that was all , thankfully . Johanna had to work , but there was no damage there . So all is well . Went home for lunch to take care of Ivy , since Ev had to go in early . It was raining for most of the time while I was home , but it did stop long enough to let her out to do her business . I went upstairs for about 20 minutes and sewed binding strips together and then attached the binding by machine to the back of the cover for the cedar chest . I 'm using muslin for the binding . I used a beige colored thread for the quilting , so now I 'm wondering if I should use white or beige to sew down the binding . I 'm leaning toward white , because I 'll be sewing right on the white muslin . I doubt I get back into the sewing room tonight , but at least I got a little bit done today . I sure love to sew ! I am really getting tired of storms all the time . We had another thunderstorm this morning around 6 a . m . When I let Ivy out to do her business it was coming down pretty good . Ivy just looked at me like " you want me to go out in that ? " . She refused to leave the shelter of the doorway . I let her out about half an hour later when the rain slowed down , but she didn 't want to stay out very long then , either . She doesn 't mind storms , in fact she usually just sleeps through them , but I don 't think she likes to go out in the pouring rain . Don 't blame her there ! Our neighbor has a sump pump he is going to let us use to drain the pool of what is left in it . It 's all yuck water and we need to get it out of there before we attempt to replace the liner . Really hoping to get around to that this weekend . Want to get that pool up and ready to go as soon as we can . I ordered the parts absolutely necessary to get it up , but there are more that will need to be ordered before the summer is over . It 's worth it . We get a lot of use out of the pool . Here 's a picture of the cover for the cedar chest . It 's all quilted and waiting for binding and corner ties . I 'm not real pleased with my quilting on it , but I am determined to ' just do it ' . I will get better with time . I did a bigger loopy loop on it than on the one wall hanging . My stitch length was all over the place . But hey , done is better than perfect , and it 's not a museum piece . I 'm just going to use muslin for the binding . Tomorrow I 'm going to see Jersey Boys after work with a few friends . They had an extra ticket and invited me , so I 'm pretty excited about it . Nick is going to come to the house and take care of the dog for a bit . They are predicting more storms , so I don 't want to leave her outside for that long of time . I ended up taking the Kenmore to the shop in Highland tonight . The guy offered to check it out for me right then if I wanted to go shopping or something for a while , but I was just too tired and wanted to come home . He ended up calling me later and telling me it was done . He replaced a belt that was very worn , so that tells me the other shop didn 't even do anything other than clean and oil it , and that was something I had done on my own . I 'll be picking the machine up Saturday . In the meantime I have the Bernina set up to use for piecing and may actually give her a workout for a while . I didn 't do any sewing tonight , but I did spend 40 minutes upstairs cleaning and oiling the older Kenmore . I really got into the machine and oiled it everywhere imaginable . What a difference that makes ! It just purrs now . They sure don 't make them like that anymore . Made that turkey dish for Ev and made him another Canadian bacon and fried egg sandwich for tomorrow . I was going to put together some spaghetti sauce and fry those sausage , but didn 't get to it . He will have plenty to eat tomorrow , with leftovers from tonight and that sandwich . There is also a container of hamburger helper in the fridge he can eat . See , there is one of the reasons I have such a hard time losing weight . I 'm not making excuses , I 'm just saying that I try to make high caloric dishes for my hubby who I would desperately like to see gain some weight . Then I try not to eat any of them ! sigh . We had a storm this afternoon around one . Ivy had been outside since Ev left for work , so when it started to cloud up I called Nick and he came home and let her inside , then stayed for a while until the storm passed . Ivy didn 't destroy anything between the time he left and the time I came home . Maybe she is getting better . She doesn 't get spooked by thunderstorms , I know that . Last night when it was storming she was snoring ! Ran upstairs for a couple minutes before leaving for work today . I wanted to take the manual for the Bernina to look at on my break . I am thinking that the bobbins for it may be the same as the ones for the Kenmore . They seem to be the same size . The Kenmore 's are metal and the Bernina 's are plastic , so I don 't know if that would make any difference . At any rate , I would like to get more bobbins if the Kenmore 's don 't fit . Ev has to work 12 hour shifts all week . It 's on the front end , so that means Ivy will be alone quite a bit during the day . If the weather cooperates , she can stay outside . And if it rains , maybe Nick will go to the house and dog sit for a little while . I think tonight I 'm going to make a turkey fettuccini dish for dinner . Usually make it with chicken , but want to use up the rest of that turkey breast . That will be something he can take for lunch to work and will be easy to heat up in the break room . I 'm also going to make a pot of spaghetti sauce and some Italian sausage . The log cabin wall hanging has a name . I 'm calling it Comforting Cross . It just seems to complement the crucifix so well , that I felt it needed a similar name . I think Ivy might have been trying to drink the lake in this picture ! She was having a great time . Ev and I took her out to the Old Lake this afternoon and let her get in the water . We would throw a ball in the water for her to fetch and also just let her swim around . We walked back to the dam with her , then took her over by the boat ramp to get in the water . She is a natural swimmer and loves the water . When she gets in the water , she takes a running leap at it ! She was going in at the boat ramp , but I 'm betting if she were jumping off a dock she would get some good air before hitting the water . I pin basted the runner for the cedar chest this morning . It 's all ready to be quilted . I will probably do a medium size loopy loop all over it . Just something simple , to build my confidence in my machine quilting skills . I have a baby quilt top that I want to quilt next , and then if I 'm feeling daring , I am going to try and quilt a bigger quilt . I think one of the tops I made out of recycled shirts would be good for this venture . Somewhere on this blog , many moons ago , there is a picture of a quilt made out of red shirtings and 16 patch blocks and also one made out of green shirtings and 16 patch blocks . One of those may be the guinea pigs . . . haha . Sometimes I think my brain is going fuzzy . I have been mooning around , kinda disgusted about the old Kenmore not working properly ( I really love that machine , can you tell ? It was my first new machine and it was from my grandparents . ) . Well , one of the reasons I was all mopey was because I had wanted to have two machines set up at the same time . I wanted one set up for piecing and one set up for quilting . I had completely forgotten I have that Bernette tucked away under my quilting station by the window ! Now , it 's not one of my favorite machines , but it will do the job ( I hope ) so I 'm going to set it up and give it a workout ! And if it doesn 't work or I don 't like it , at least I have Gram 's machine to fall back on . I 've got it set up to do the quilting now . Looks like we are going to get some more storms tonight . The wind has really picked up and the radar is showing us in line for some pretty good storms . I don 't like when we get them at night , and of course that 's when they are coming through . sigh . I changed the orientation and the location of the wall hanging . See how the wall slants down ? That is underneath our steps to the second level and that is where I had the wall hanging before , hanging on point by loops on the back . I really did not like the way it was hanging , so I took it down , with the intention of putting two sleeves on it , one on top and one on bottom , on the back , to hang it straight . I was going to hang it on the slanted part of the wall again , with four cup hooks . But as I was taking the hooks out from the wall , I happened to look up and saw that beautiful blank space of wall just waiting for something to be put there ! I ended up just putting one sleeve on the wall hanging at the top and put a dowel rod through it and called it good ! I like that it complements the crucifix hanging on the wall next to it . I have not named this wall hanging but it will probably have a religious tone , because the more I look at it , especially next to the crucifix , the more it looks like a cross in cloth . It just hasn 't told me it 's name yet . I moved that one sewing table out from the corner of my sewing room and fitted the older Kenmore that I had been using into it . This will make free motion quilting so much easier because the machine base will be flush with the table . It 's not a perfect fit , but it 's close enough for now . When I come across some packing styrofoam or insulating styrofoam I will cut a couple pieces to fill in the inch or so to the back and side that have gaps . The only thing about this table is that it sits about 4 " higher than my tables . I don 't know why it is so high . In fact , I had to pull out a different chair to use at it because my other sewing chair was too low ! I had an old office chair that was adjustable , so I just adjusted the height for that table . Once I had it all set , I put my old Kenmore on the other table that I had been using in front of the window . I was really excited at the prospect of having both machines set up to use at any given time . I had not really used my old machine since I had it in the shop back in October . Gram 's machine was running fine and I wanted to get it broke in . Well , the shop that I took it to did not fix the machine properly . It 's worse than it was when I took it in . The problem is , I had it fixed 8 months ago and I doubt they would refund my money . And I really do not want them to work on it again . So I will chalk that up to experience , eat the $ 29 they charged , and take the machine down to the guy that I really didn 't want to take it to because he 's kind of a jerk . But at least he knows how to fix machines . Sigh . Went to Wal Mart today to pick up a few items . While I was there , I happened to pass by the bargain bin of dvd movies . Impulse buying kicked in when I saw " Where the Red Fern Grows " . I have never seen the movie , but have read and reread the book and absolutely love it . I hope the movie is as good as the book . Going to order a pizza and watch it tonight . Had to stop at Rural King and get Ivy another squeaky ball . The one I bought to replace the old one must have been defective , because the squeak got knocked loose the first few times she used it . I brought it home and two squeaks later the replacement died ! I took all three balls back to the store and explained how the oldest ball had lasted a loooonnnnngggg time , and that the two replacements did not and that I would like to exchange them . They were very nice about it and I came home with two new and one old squeaky ball . Let 's hope these don 't de - squeak any time soon . And this isn 't the best picture , either , but here is the wall hanging I just finished . It 's 18 " square . I put loops on the back at the corners and hung it by cup hooks on the wall underneath the steps in the living room . I don 't like the way it 's hanging , because it 's puffing out from the wall and isn 't laying flat . I think I 'll try and put dowel rods along the inside edges in sleeves to try and make it more rigid and maybe lay flat . At any rate , I like it and I 'm glad it 's done . I really liked the machine quilting I did on it . It 's just a meandering loop , but it 's pretty . I free motion quilted the little wall hanging with the log cabin squares tonight . I didn 't get the machine moved into the other cabinet , but since the piece was so small it didn 't really matter . I think it 's coming along nicely . I have some material picked out to use for the binding . It 's got matching colors for some of the purples so it goes well with the blocks . I 'll post a pic soon . I think I might see if Wal Mart has basting spray . I want to try it out on the little log cabin blocks wall hanging . Jumping in with both feet on this one . Going to try some free motion quilting on it on the oldest Kenmore machine . I might try and put the Kenmore in that old sewing table I have upstairs . I pieced together some batting scraps for the wall hanging and cut a piece of material for backing tonight . Let me just say that this dog is getting a LOT of attention from Ev and I , mostly because the kids are both moved out at the moment . Sunday she de - squeaked the squeaker ball she loves . So , of course Monday I bought a new squeaky ball . Today , Tuesday , Shadow cat discovered it . Then Ivy discovered the cat playing with her ball . Ev said the fur was flying ! Never a dull moment . . . I took inventory of the men 's shirts I have upstairs this morning before work . I decided I needed more blues so I went to the thrift shop and did the five for five dollar deal on the color of the week tag . Got a few more for my collection . They are in the dryer now . I 'm sure no one wants to hear about how lousy Mondays are . Day went fairly quickly at work at least . Came home for lunch today instead of going out with Barb like I usually do . I really need to get back on my diet . But when I got home tonight I backslid and ate cheese and crackers and a piece of cold pizza . At least dinner was healthy . I made chicken on the broiler , steamed green beans , and boiled new potatoes . Oh , and fresh melon for dessert . I 've had a lousy nosebleed most of the night . Just when I think it 's done , it starts up again . And now I 'm getting the lousy after headache . ugh . Nick came to work today at quitting time . He needed some groceries and asked if I would take him to Aldi . You know , that kid is something else . He asks to go to Aldi . Not Wal Mart or IGA , but Aldi . I 'm proud of him for making a conscious effort to save money . Especially since it was my money ! haha . Didn 't do any sewing tonight . I was afraid I would bleed all over whatever I was working on ! Yuck ! I 'm thinking that tomorrow I should go to the Salvation Army store on my lunch hour . Whatever color tag is on special this week , you get five for a dollar on Tuesdays . It 's a great day to get men 's cotton shirts for quilts . I really need to take inventory of what colors I have and what I 'm needing in the way of shirts . Maybe my next quilt will be from repurposed shirts . It 's after eight p . m . and the wind is still blowing quite briskly . I don 't care for it when it 's windy and rainy at night . Can 't see what 's coming ! Went to visit Johanna , Ben , and Johnathon . Finally got to give him his Easter presents . We played the Memory Game that I made for him . He liked it a lot . He 's such a cutie ! I got out the Roll Roll Cotton Boll mystery again . Going to start working on it again soon . I also want to finish up the runner to put on the cedar chest . Nick finished working on one of my coworkers computers today . He took it to her house and got paid for working on it . He seems to have his fingers in a lot of pies these days ! I finished Joseph 's Tulips tonight and hung it up . You can 't see it well in this picture but at the bottom in the green border is the label . It just has the name and ' 11 for the year . I was going to put it on the back but then I felt like it needed to be on the front . Our family is so blessed . Tonight Nick turned on his light in the basement room , but then noticed the globe of the light fixture was filled with water ! He then turned out the light ! Oh wow , talk about having angels looking after you . He told me about it and I went down and pulled the fuse , then he took the globe off the light fixture . I couldn 't figure out where the water came from , but then it hit me . The corner of the waterbed where it leaked a few weeks ago was right above the light fixture . Thank You God for keeping us all safe . It was so warm the last few days that I seriously considered turning on the air conditioning . Glad I didn 't because it has cooled down nicely and we are enjoying a good breeze . Probably going to rain some more , but what 's new ? I have Joseph 's Tulips pinned and ready to be quilted . May just get upstairs after I 'm done on the computer and start on it . Nick was here for a bit and we went out to eat at Sunset . They have redecorated in there and it looks really nice . I 'm halfway entertaining the idea of making a wall hanging that would match the colors of the new decor and seeing if they want to purchase it . Took Ivy for a walk this evening . She is doing so much better on our walks . She was a little put out tonight when another dog , not on a leash but following it 's master on a bike , didn 't even glance her way or give a sniff ! Poor poochie was snubbed ! haha . Here is my version of ' Bring on Spring ' , a mystery that Marge Gordon so graciously hosted ! I 'm calling it ' Joseph 's Tulips " as I previously mentioned . I do have one more border on it of the same green that was used in the leaves of the tulips . It 's a 4 " border and it really makes the wall hanging look rich . Going to try and finish up on this over the weekend . Speaking of Marge , I owe her a great big " THANK YOU " for helping me with the patterns I lost when the computer crashed . Marge does a really good thing when she hosts these mysteries by having us donate a very small fee to cancer research . I am a subscriber through the mysteries for relay group on yahoo and encourage anyone who is interested to sign up . Great cause , great patterns , and a lot of fun ! Well , maybe I 'm not really desperate , but I do waffle on wanting to purchase a smaller longarm machine just to HAVE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW , or to wait until I can get the 24 " Pro . Instant gratification is nagging at my brain . Then I think , all good things come to those who wait . . . So I wait . And will probably continue to wait until I can afford the 24 " Pro . . . It 's what I really want anyway . . . . In the meantime I make tops . Lots of tops . Going to have to count them up one of these days and see how many tops I have waiting to be quilted . Ivy report , 5 / 12 / 11 : Noticed last night that the mouth with a dog attached chewed up a digital alarm clock . It was a small battery operated one I had purchased then didn 't like because I couldn 't read the numbers . Still , I would have preferred she NOT eat it . . . Will that dog ever stop ? haha . I know she will mellow out in about a year . Again , I wait . . . haha . I really don 't lead a dull life . Today my friend and I went for our walk on our afternoon break at work . As we were heading back to the office we witnessed a jailbreak by ten young cows / bulls . See the one on the left ? He 's looking back at the creek where they came under the fence at . I think he was urging another one of his friends to mooove it ! Nick 's phone needs to be replaced . He is not having luck with it , and since it 's still under warranty , Verizon is replacing it free . I have said it before but I 'll say it again . I have always had the best of luck with Verizon 's customer service . They are top notch in my book . Here is the back of the baby quilt I finished Sunday . I just thought this Disney material was really cute . I didn 't purchase it , at least not that I remember . I think it was in a box of scraps someone gave me . There was just about a yard of it , enough to make a baby quilt . This was the front . I didn 't do anything fancy at all , just randomly threw squares that coordinated with the back together and then quilted in a wavy line with variegated thread . There 's a label in the bottom left corner with the baby 's name on it . Sure am glad this day 's over . Mondays just seem to drag at work . Then when I get home I 'm too beat to do much of anything . Tonight Johanna and Ben came by to show me pics from their Vegas trip . They had a good time . I made burgers and fries for supper . The kids ate and then headed home . Nick sent me a text from his gig in Springfield with the jazz band . He 's having a good night . Gave my coworker the baby quilt today . He said that the baby quilt I had given the other grandchild is hanging above her bed , now that the child is too big to use it . The mom didn 't want to pack it away so she hung it up ! That made me feel pretty good . Frogs : We have tree frogs again . I love them . Ev hates them . They hang out until the pool is up and has chemicals in it . I like the sound of them , although they really are quite loud . Ev 's still got some city boy in him and the sound of frogs makes him a little crazy . Dogs : Took Ivy for a walk this afternoon . Ivy is a big dog . She 's tall but not fat . We encountered one small poodle - ish dog not on a leash , one very angry black cat , and several other dogs in their yards on our walk who were not particularly friendly . The funniest of the lot was the cat , though . I would not want to tangle with it , that 's for sure , because ol ' puddy tat puffed up and hissed up a storm . Baby quilts : It 's done ! Finally got upstairs this evening and finished the baby quilt for my co worker 's grandchild . It 's quilted , bound , and labelled . Going to take it to work tomorrow and give it to him . Glad to have it finished . When I get the camera software reinstalled I 'll post a pic . Well , Ev has to go in to work early today , his birthday , and work a 12 hour shift . I 'm going to go home at lunch and let Ivy out for a bit , just to give her a break . I don 't really want to leave her out for hours on end when no one is home . I think I have an addiction to McDonald 's oatmeal . I can 't stand any of their other food , but I just love their oatmeal in the morning ! At least it 's something that 's good for me . My diet is not going well at all . And tonight Diane and I are going shopping after work and will probably stop somewhere and eat . sigh . When I go home at lunch I think I 'll just have a salad or something really low cal . Really have to get that baby quilt done this weekend . With the demise of the old Singer , I 'll have to do the quilting on the old Kenmore , I guess . I 'll just do some simple lines , either stitch in the ditch or wavy lines . I saw pictures on one of the chat groups I follow where this gal had made the cutest potholders . She just did some strip piecing , but I think that she did a ' quilt as you go ' technique on them that would make them work up really quickly . Going to have to do some of that to make a few potholders for gifts . I have a lot of insulbrite left from my last trip to Arthur . I have to use a heavier needle when I sew through it , but other than that , it 's not difficult to work with . Sure am glad tomorrow is Friday . Having a few days off last week has made this week seem really long to me . And to top it off , it 's raining again . I 'm about sick of rain . Thankfully we don 't live where all the flooding is occurring in the state . Last week we were in Golconda and Elizabethtown down along the Ohio river . We also visited Metropolis , IL . The news yesterday said that they had put up the flood walls in Golconda and had evacuated Elizabethtown . Metropolis was shown on the t . v . and there was more water there than there had been last week . Sure am glad the quilt show was last week ! I was really tired when I got home tonight from work and wanted to take a short nap . I took the garbage out to the street before I sat down because once I took my shoes off that was going to be it . Well , we hadn 't gotten the garbage out last week because we forgot and there was a lot to take out from the garage . It took me twenty minutes to get it all out ! Anyway , when I came back in to try and lay down Ivy decided she wanted me to throw the squeaky toy for her . She kept putting it on my back then laying her head on top of mine ! It was hopeless . . . I had to throw the squeaky toy . I have to reinstall the software for my camera so I can upload some pictures . I 've got the disc , just haven 't gotten around to it yet . I have a flash drive that I 'm going to put copies of the pictures on , I think , just in case something happens again . And I think I might put my quilt patterns on one , also ! That 's what I thought I was . My computer got seriously infected with malware when I attempted to download updates for it . Ouch ! I had the good fortune to get advice from my techie son and a computer repair person that just happened to be in our office today . I had to completely wipe the drive and start over from scratch with a system restore . This doesn 't make me mad , but I did lose a few things , such as quilt patterns , and pictures . But it 's better than losing the whole computer ! I have just one thing to say . How come four and a half days off go by so fast when I 'm not at work ? Didn 't do any sewing today . Just a little organizing in the sewing room and going to settle in for the night by reading through the AQS show booklet . I know I didn 't see all there was to see and it 's kind of fun to go through the book and remember parts of the show ! |
Well , I 'm disgusted . I went home to eat lunch today only to find my husband , darling man that he is , freaking out about the pool liner . It looks like it 's going to be too short on the one side . This is going to mean draining what little water we have in the pool already and redistributing the liner . It 's backtracking and no one likes to do that . And to top it all off , we can 't get to it until the weekend because it 's a two person job . So , I 'm disgusted with the situation . Going to just have to grin and bear it , I guess . I broke down and made an appointment with the doc for next Monday ( okay LaDonna ? lol ) . I have to get my scheduled bloodwork done anyway , so I 'll kill two birds with one stone . I still don 't think these nosebleeds are serious , but I want the doc to tell me that . Tonight I am going to take my elderly great uncle out to dinner , if his schedule permits . . . haha . He 's such a busy man . I know he had an errand to run today that was about a 20 mile drive . Then his band , yes , his band , might have practice tonight , so he may not be able to squeeze me in ! haha . He 's the accordian player in a Tamburitza band , playing Croation music . I can 't even begin to tell you how many years he has been in the band , but it 's been a few decades , that 's for sure . My great grandfather , his dad , played accordian also . Music runs thick in my bloodline , and it 's really blossoming with my son and his guitar now . I 'm so proud of him ( I 'm proud of my daughter , also , but today it 's brag - on - Nick - day ! ) . Nick is fully immersing himself in music . He 's teaching guitar lessons , operating a d . j . service , and most importantly , going to school for a degree in music composition . I hold no illusions that he will ever become rich from this field ( although it is a remote possibility ) , but I feel certain that Nick will always be happy in his work . Music really is in his soul and when he plays it shows . I can 't take all the credit , in fact ALL of the credit really goes to God for giving Nick this special gift . I must also say that Ev 's uncle is very musically talented . We don 't really have much contact with his uncle , just due to distance and whatever , but he made a living teaching music . So the stars aligned when Nick was born and hopefully he will continue to progress and have a good life doing what he wants to do ! I have worked on the mystery through clue 5 . Looked at clue 6 , but not going to start on it tonight . Got another lousy nosebleed and I am just disgusted about it . I keep checking my blood pressure and it 's okay , so I have no clue what 's going on , but they have really become frequent , almost daily , occurrences , and I 'm just plain disgusted . Guess if it keeps up I 'll make an appointment with the doc , but I really don 't know what he can do . Last time I went in for them I had to see and ear nose and throat doc and he just made it worse . Ev has to go in tonight and work half of the midnight shift on his machine . It means he has to go in for four hours , from 11pm to 3am . Stinks . Well , at least he got a good dinner tonight . I did make the steaks on the broiler for him and I , and the mushroom caps for Nick . Had our corn on the cob and steamed broccoli and garlic toast . Didn 't make the potatoes or mac salad . Still got the hose in the pool . It is s . l . o . w . to fill . What a project . It will be worth it when it 's all done , at least . I know Nick and Johanna will enjoy it , and Ev certainly will . He likes to get in the pool before work to cool off . It helps to have your body temp down a little before going into that hot factory every afternoon . I 'll be in it after work in the evenings . I really do not like to press as I sew , but it is a necessary evil . . . I 'm working on the Summer mystery and I 'm at a point where I MUST stop and press the pieces before I move on to the next clue . So I took a break to post ! haha . Been working on the pool all weekend . Good thing we had three days off , because there isn 't any way we could have gotten it all done in just two . In fact , it 's going to take even longer to get it finished because it 's filling so slowly , but at least we are in the home stretch of it all . Went to that wedding yesterday and had a nice time . Nick spent the night here and is still asleep . I am hoping he sticks around for dinner this evening . I bought steaks for Ev and I , and bought some big portabella mushroom caps for him . Also going to make steamed fresh broccoli and corn on the cob . Might put some potatoes in the microwave for baked potatoes . And I am halfway thinking about making some macaroni salad , since Ev likes it so much , but I really don 't want to heat up the kitchen . It 's getting really warm out . Probably be putting the air conditioning on before too long . Sure don 't look forward to that power bill once we do . We sure had a busy day today . Still working on the pool liner . We got the pad down and the liner in , but haven 't started filling it yet . We will start that tomorrow morning , early . Probably won 't get filled all the way tomorrow , but at least we will have a good start on it . Went to a wedding this afternoon . The people Nick is living with got married uptown today . It was a nice wedding . The ceremony itself was very short . I started on the Summer Mystery today . Last night I got all the material cut . Tonight I just did clue one , but at least it 's a start . The clues look pretty simple so far . I only cut enough pieces to do the baby quilt , but I made sure that I had enough material to make a bigger one if I like it . Worked outside on the pool today . Got almost all the water out of it and all the yucky leaves out . Tomorrow we can take the old liner out and put the new one in and start filling it . Hopefully . This is really quite a project , but one we only have to do infrequently ( every 9 years or so . . . ) and it 's worth it when the pool is up and ready to roll . I did cut the pieces for the 2011 Summer Mystery on the one group I belong to . I downloaded all the clues and looked at the first one . Since there are only 8 clues I should be able to finish the top this weekend . It all depends on how things go with the pool I guess . We have a wedding to go to tomorrow at 3 . I doubt we will be there very long . Posted by Nick and I took a ride to the repair shop this evening . We took the old Singer machine down there so the repairman would be able to use it for parts . He wasn 't going to knock anything off the price of the repairs , that I could tell , until I showed him 8 brand new packages of industrial needles and five bobbins for industrial machines . Then he knocked 30 bucks off the repair price of 55 ! And for the record I think 55 was high . Let 's hope the machine works correctly now and doesn 't need any more repairs for another 30 years . After Kohl 's , we picked up Johanna and the three of us went to Lotawata Creek for dinner . It was very very good , as usual . Had a ton of leftovers , of course . Ev will be digging in to them later , I 'm sure ! Today I 'm saying goodbye to an old friend . I 'm taking the 1937 Industrial Singer to the repair shop for the last time . I 'm giving it to the guy who runs the shop to use for parts if he wants it . Nick put it in the car last night for me and I 'm heading right to the shop after work . Nick may be going with me to the repair shop so we can go over to Edwardsville and get him a pair of slacks , shirt , and a tie to wear at the upcoming weddings he is attending . Then we may pick up Johanna and go get some dinner . All kind of up in the air , but whatever happens I 'm sure we will have a good time . Ivy got out of the yard last night . Nick stopped home for a few minutes after lessons and he took the garbage to the street for me . Well , he left the back gate open and when Ivy went out to go potty , she discovered her door to freedom ! I went to let her back in and when she didn 't come I noticed the gate was open . When I looked out , she was over in the field across the street chasing a rabbit or two ! She was certainly giving chase to something and having a grand old time . She didn 't come when I called , so I went into the house to get jeans on ( I was in night clothes ) . By the time I got back outside and to the gate , she was standing there waiting to come in ! She 's not a bad doggy . Maybe Ev and I will take her to the lake again this weekend . I am so looking forward to having three days off ! We are going to work on the pool , and hopefully get it up and running this weekend . It 's not going to be easy , but I am confident we can do it . Just going to have to do it one step at a time . We put it up in the beginning and between Ev and I , I 'm sure we can figure out how to do it again . The kids are going to help , too . Would anyone be surprised if I told them we woke up to rain this morning ? Again ? It 's been cold and rainy here all day . Again . As predicted , I did not do any more sewing last night on the cover for the cedar chest . Tonight I fully intend to finish it , wash it , and put it on the chest . I do have a little bit of concern that the beast ( aka Ivy ) might decide it 's a snack . She was pretty good yesterday with the exception of destroying a throw pillow while I was in St . Louis . She can be excused because she did it while we were having storms and the sirens were going off and she was all alone . At least I 'm telling myself she can be excused , and really , as long as Ev and I are okay with it , that 's all that matters . Right ? ? ? sigh . Now , I know I really don 't need to be starting another mystery , because I 'm knee deep in Roll Roll Cotton Boll . However . . . . . there is a mystery I would like to follow along with on Saturday on one of my groups . It looks like it will be a nice , easy , pattern . It uses four bright colors and one dark . I have chosen the materials for it . To begin with , I will make the baby size or the lap size quilt . I am going to make sure that I have enough material to make more blocks if I want to turn it into a larger quilt . Went to see Jersey Boys , the musical , tonight . We drove through some horrible storms . At one point cars were off into the ditch . I know we hydroplaned a couple times . It was not a fun ride down there . Once we got there it was pouring rain . We went to eat first and I was very cold sitting in the restaurant , soaking wet ! But the food was good and the show was good , so that made up for it ! There were tornado warnings all around , again . Nick was at the house for a while with the dog . She destroyed a pillow , but that was all , thankfully . Johanna had to work , but there was no damage there . So all is well . Went home for lunch to take care of Ivy , since Ev had to go in early . It was raining for most of the time while I was home , but it did stop long enough to let her out to do her business . I went upstairs for about 20 minutes and sewed binding strips together and then attached the binding by machine to the back of the cover for the cedar chest . I 'm using muslin for the binding . I used a beige colored thread for the quilting , so now I 'm wondering if I should use white or beige to sew down the binding . I 'm leaning toward white , because I 'll be sewing right on the white muslin . I doubt I get back into the sewing room tonight , but at least I got a little bit done today . I sure love to sew ! I am really getting tired of storms all the time . We had another thunderstorm this morning around 6 a . m . When I let Ivy out to do her business it was coming down pretty good . Ivy just looked at me like " you want me to go out in that ? " . She refused to leave the shelter of the doorway . I let her out about half an hour later when the rain slowed down , but she didn 't want to stay out very long then , either . She doesn 't mind storms , in fact she usually just sleeps through them , but I don 't think she likes to go out in the pouring rain . Don 't blame her there ! Our neighbor has a sump pump he is going to let us use to drain the pool of what is left in it . It 's all yuck water and we need to get it out of there before we attempt to replace the liner . Really hoping to get around to that this weekend . Want to get that pool up and ready to go as soon as we can . I ordered the parts absolutely necessary to get it up , but there are more that will need to be ordered before the summer is over . It 's worth it . We get a lot of use out of the pool . Here 's a picture of the cover for the cedar chest . It 's all quilted and waiting for binding and corner ties . I 'm not real pleased with my quilting on it , but I am determined to ' just do it ' . I will get better with time . I did a bigger loopy loop on it than on the one wall hanging . My stitch length was all over the place . But hey , done is better than perfect , and it 's not a museum piece . I 'm just going to use muslin for the binding . Tomorrow I 'm going to see Jersey Boys after work with a few friends . They had an extra ticket and invited me , so I 'm pretty excited about it . Nick is going to come to the house and take care of the dog for a bit . They are predicting more storms , so I don 't want to leave her outside for that long of time . I ended up taking the Kenmore to the shop in Highland tonight . The guy offered to check it out for me right then if I wanted to go shopping or something for a while , but I was just too tired and wanted to come home . He ended up calling me later and telling me it was done . He replaced a belt that was very worn , so that tells me the other shop didn 't even do anything other than clean and oil it , and that was something I had done on my own . I 'll be picking the machine up Saturday . In the meantime I have the Bernina set up to use for piecing and may actually give her a workout for a while . I didn 't do any sewing tonight , but I did spend 40 minutes upstairs cleaning and oiling the older Kenmore . I really got into the machine and oiled it everywhere imaginable . What a difference that makes ! It just purrs now . They sure don 't make them like that anymore . Made that turkey dish for Ev and made him another Canadian bacon and fried egg sandwich for tomorrow . I was going to put together some spaghetti sauce and fry those sausage , but didn 't get to it . He will have plenty to eat tomorrow , with leftovers from tonight and that sandwich . There is also a container of hamburger helper in the fridge he can eat . See , there is one of the reasons I have such a hard time losing weight . I 'm not making excuses , I 'm just saying that I try to make high caloric dishes for my hubby who I would desperately like to see gain some weight . Then I try not to eat any of them ! sigh . We had a storm this afternoon around one . Ivy had been outside since Ev left for work , so when it started to cloud up I called Nick and he came home and let her inside , then stayed for a while until the storm passed . Ivy didn 't destroy anything between the time he left and the time I came home . Maybe she is getting better . She doesn 't get spooked by thunderstorms , I know that . Last night when it was storming she was snoring ! Ran upstairs for a couple minutes before leaving for work today . I wanted to take the manual for the Bernina to look at on my break . I am thinking that the bobbins for it may be the same as the ones for the Kenmore . They seem to be the same size . The Kenmore 's are metal and the Bernina 's are plastic , so I don 't know if that would make any difference . At any rate , I would like to get more bobbins if the Kenmore 's don 't fit . Ev has to work 12 hour shifts all week . It 's on the front end , so that means Ivy will be alone quite a bit during the day . If the weather cooperates , she can stay outside . And if it rains , maybe Nick will go to the house and dog sit for a little while . I think tonight I 'm going to make a turkey fettuccini dish for dinner . Usually make it with chicken , but want to use up the rest of that turkey breast . That will be something he can take for lunch to work and will be easy to heat up in the break room . I 'm also going to make a pot of spaghetti sauce and some Italian sausage . The log cabin wall hanging has a name . I 'm calling it Comforting Cross . It just seems to complement the crucifix so well , that I felt it needed a similar name . I think Ivy might have been trying to drink the lake in this picture ! She was having a great time . Ev and I took her out to the Old Lake this afternoon and let her get in the water . We would throw a ball in the water for her to fetch and also just let her swim around . We walked back to the dam with her , then took her over by the boat ramp to get in the water . She is a natural swimmer and loves the water . When she gets in the water , she takes a running leap at it ! She was going in at the boat ramp , but I 'm betting if she were jumping off a dock she would get some good air before hitting the water . I pin basted the runner for the cedar chest this morning . It 's all ready to be quilted . I will probably do a medium size loopy loop all over it . Just something simple , to build my confidence in my machine quilting skills . I have a baby quilt top that I want to quilt next , and then if I 'm feeling daring , I am going to try and quilt a bigger quilt . I think one of the tops I made out of recycled shirts would be good for this venture . Somewhere on this blog , many moons ago , there is a picture of a quilt made out of red shirtings and 16 patch blocks and also one made out of green shirtings and 16 patch blocks . One of those may be the guinea pigs . . . haha . Sometimes I think my brain is going fuzzy . I have been mooning around , kinda disgusted about the old Kenmore not working properly ( I really love that machine , can you tell ? It was my first new machine and it was from my grandparents . ) . Well , one of the reasons I was all mopey was because I had wanted to have two machines set up at the same time . I wanted one set up for piecing and one set up for quilting . I had completely forgotten I have that Bernette tucked away under my quilting station by the window ! Now , it 's not one of my favorite machines , but it will do the job ( I hope ) so I 'm going to set it up and give it a workout ! And if it doesn 't work or I don 't like it , at least I have Gram 's machine to fall back on . I 've got it set up to do the quilting now . Looks like we are going to get some more storms tonight . The wind has really picked up and the radar is showing us in line for some pretty good storms . I don 't like when we get them at night , and of course that 's when they are coming through . sigh . I changed the orientation and the location of the wall hanging . See how the wall slants down ? That is underneath our steps to the second level and that is where I had the wall hanging before , hanging on point by loops on the back . I really did not like the way it was hanging , so I took it down , with the intention of putting two sleeves on it , one on top and one on bottom , on the back , to hang it straight . I was going to hang it on the slanted part of the wall again , with four cup hooks . But as I was taking the hooks out from the wall , I happened to look up and saw that beautiful blank space of wall just waiting for something to be put there ! I ended up just putting one sleeve on the wall hanging at the top and put a dowel rod through it and called it good ! I like that it complements the crucifix hanging on the wall next to it . I have not named this wall hanging but it will probably have a religious tone , because the more I look at it , especially next to the crucifix , the more it looks like a cross in cloth . It just hasn 't told me it 's name yet . I moved that one sewing table out from the corner of my sewing room and fitted the older Kenmore that I had been using into it . This will make free motion quilting so much easier because the machine base will be flush with the table . It 's not a perfect fit , but it 's close enough for now . When I come across some packing styrofoam or insulating styrofoam I will cut a couple pieces to fill in the inch or so to the back and side that have gaps . The only thing about this table is that it sits about 4 " higher than my tables . I don 't know why it is so high . In fact , I had to pull out a different chair to use at it because my other sewing chair was too low ! I had an old office chair that was adjustable , so I just adjusted the height for that table . Once I had it all set , I put my old Kenmore on the other table that I had been using in front of the window . I was really excited at the prospect of having both machines set up to use at any given time . I had not really used my old machine since I had it in the shop back in October . Gram 's machine was running fine and I wanted to get it broke in . Well , the shop that I took it to did not fix the machine properly . It 's worse than it was when I took it in . The problem is , I had it fixed 8 months ago and I doubt they would refund my money . And I really do not want them to work on it again . So I will chalk that up to experience , eat the $ 29 they charged , and take the machine down to the guy that I really didn 't want to take it to because he 's kind of a jerk . But at least he knows how to fix machines . Sigh . Went to Wal Mart today to pick up a few items . While I was there , I happened to pass by the bargain bin of dvd movies . Impulse buying kicked in when I saw " Where the Red Fern Grows " . I have never seen the movie , but have read and reread the book and absolutely love it . I hope the movie is as good as the book . Going to order a pizza and watch it tonight . Had to stop at Rural King and get Ivy another squeaky ball . The one I bought to replace the old one must have been defective , because the squeak got knocked loose the first few times she used it . I brought it home and two squeaks later the replacement died ! I took all three balls back to the store and explained how the oldest ball had lasted a loooonnnnngggg time , and that the two replacements did not and that I would like to exchange them . They were very nice about it and I came home with two new and one old squeaky ball . Let 's hope these don 't de - squeak any time soon . And this isn 't the best picture , either , but here is the wall hanging I just finished . It 's 18 " square . I put loops on the back at the corners and hung it by cup hooks on the wall underneath the steps in the living room . I don 't like the way it 's hanging , because it 's puffing out from the wall and isn 't laying flat . I think I 'll try and put dowel rods along the inside edges in sleeves to try and make it more rigid and maybe lay flat . At any rate , I like it and I 'm glad it 's done . I really liked the machine quilting I did on it . It 's just a meandering loop , but it 's pretty . I free motion quilted the little wall hanging with the log cabin squares tonight . I didn 't get the machine moved into the other cabinet , but since the piece was so small it didn 't really matter . I think it 's coming along nicely . I have some material picked out to use for the binding . It 's got matching colors for some of the purples so it goes well with the blocks . I 'll post a pic soon . I think I might see if Wal Mart has basting spray . I want to try it out on the little log cabin blocks wall hanging . Jumping in with both feet on this one . Going to try some free motion quilting on it on the oldest Kenmore machine . I might try and put the Kenmore in that old sewing table I have upstairs . I pieced together some batting scraps for the wall hanging and cut a piece of material for backing tonight . Let me just say that this dog is getting a LOT of attention from Ev and I , mostly because the kids are both moved out at the moment . Sunday she de - squeaked the squeaker ball she loves . So , of course Monday I bought a new squeaky ball . Today , Tuesday , Shadow cat discovered it . Then Ivy discovered the cat playing with her ball . Ev said the fur was flying ! Never a dull moment . . . I took inventory of the men 's shirts I have upstairs this morning before work . I decided I needed more blues so I went to the thrift shop and did the five for five dollar deal on the color of the week tag . Got a few more for my collection . They are in the dryer now . I 'm sure no one wants to hear about how lousy Mondays are . Day went fairly quickly at work at least . Came home for lunch today instead of going out with Barb like I usually do . I really need to get back on my diet . But when I got home tonight I backslid and ate cheese and crackers and a piece of cold pizza . At least dinner was healthy . I made chicken on the broiler , steamed green beans , and boiled new potatoes . Oh , and fresh melon for dessert . I 've had a lousy nosebleed most of the night . Just when I think it 's done , it starts up again . And now I 'm getting the lousy after headache . ugh . Nick came to work today at quitting time . He needed some groceries and asked if I would take him to Aldi . You know , that kid is something else . He asks to go to Aldi . Not Wal Mart or IGA , but Aldi . I 'm proud of him for making a conscious effort to save money . Especially since it was my money ! haha . Didn 't do any sewing tonight . I was afraid I would bleed all over whatever I was working on ! Yuck ! I 'm thinking that tomorrow I should go to the Salvation Army store on my lunch hour . Whatever color tag is on special this week , you get five for a dollar on Tuesdays . It 's a great day to get men 's cotton shirts for quilts . I really need to take inventory of what colors I have and what I 'm needing in the way of shirts . Maybe my next quilt will be from repurposed shirts . It 's after eight p . m . and the wind is still blowing quite briskly . I don 't care for it when it 's windy and rainy at night . Can 't see what 's coming ! Went to visit Johanna , Ben , and Johnathon . Finally got to give him his Easter presents . We played the Memory Game that I made for him . He liked it a lot . He 's such a cutie ! I got out the Roll Roll Cotton Boll mystery again . Going to start working on it again soon . I also want to finish up the runner to put on the cedar chest . Nick finished working on one of my coworkers computers today . He took it to her house and got paid for working on it . He seems to have his fingers in a lot of pies these days ! I finished Joseph 's Tulips tonight and hung it up . You can 't see it well in this picture but at the bottom in the green border is the label . It just has the name and ' 11 for the year . I was going to put it on the back but then I felt like it needed to be on the front . Our family is so blessed . Tonight Nick turned on his light in the basement room , but then noticed the globe of the light fixture was filled with water ! He then turned out the light ! Oh wow , talk about having angels looking after you . He told me about it and I went down and pulled the fuse , then he took the globe off the light fixture . I couldn 't figure out where the water came from , but then it hit me . The corner of the waterbed where it leaked a few weeks ago was right above the light fixture . Thank You God for keeping us all safe . It was so warm the last few days that I seriously considered turning on the air conditioning . Glad I didn 't because it has cooled down nicely and we are enjoying a good breeze . Probably going to rain some more , but what 's new ? I have Joseph 's Tulips pinned and ready to be quilted . May just get upstairs after I 'm done on the computer and start on it . Nick was here for a bit and we went out to eat at Sunset . They have redecorated in there and it looks really nice . I 'm halfway entertaining the idea of making a wall hanging that would match the colors of the new decor and seeing if they want to purchase it . Took Ivy for a walk this evening . She is doing so much better on our walks . She was a little put out tonight when another dog , not on a leash but following it 's master on a bike , didn 't even glance her way or give a sniff ! Poor poochie was snubbed ! haha . Here is my version of ' Bring on Spring ' , a mystery that Marge Gordon so graciously hosted ! I 'm calling it ' Joseph 's Tulips " as I previously mentioned . I do have one more border on it of the same green that was used in the leaves of the tulips . It 's a 4 " border and it really makes the wall hanging look rich . Going to try and finish up on this over the weekend . Speaking of Marge , I owe her a great big " THANK YOU " for helping me with the patterns I lost when the computer crashed . Marge does a really good thing when she hosts these mysteries by having us donate a very small fee to cancer research . I am a subscriber through the mysteries for relay group on yahoo and encourage anyone who is interested to sign up . Great cause , great patterns , and a lot of fun ! Well , maybe I 'm not really desperate , but I do waffle on wanting to purchase a smaller longarm machine just to HAVE SOMETHING RIGHT NOW , or to wait until I can get the 24 " Pro . Instant gratification is nagging at my brain . Then I think , all good things come to those who wait . . . So I wait . And will probably continue to wait until I can afford the 24 " Pro . . . It 's what I really want anyway . . . . In the meantime I make tops . Lots of tops . Going to have to count them up one of these days and see how many tops I have waiting to be quilted . Ivy report , 5 / 12 / 11 : Noticed last night that the mouth with a dog attached chewed up a digital alarm clock . It was a small battery operated one I had purchased then didn 't like because I couldn 't read the numbers . Still , I would have preferred she NOT eat it . . . Will that dog ever stop ? haha . I know she will mellow out in about a year . Again , I wait . . . haha . I really don 't lead a dull life . Today my friend and I went for our walk on our afternoon break at work . As we were heading back to the office we witnessed a jailbreak by ten young cows / bulls . See the one on the left ? He 's looking back at the creek where they came under the fence at . I think he was urging another one of his friends to mooove it ! Nick 's phone needs to be replaced . He is not having luck with it , and since it 's still under warranty , Verizon is replacing it free . I have said it before but I 'll say it again . I have always had the best of luck with Verizon 's customer service . They are top notch in my book . Here is the back of the baby quilt I finished Sunday . I just thought this Disney material was really cute . I didn 't purchase it , at least not that I remember . I think it was in a box of scraps someone gave me . There was just about a yard of it , enough to make a baby quilt . This was the front . I didn 't do anything fancy at all , just randomly threw squares that coordinated with the back together and then quilted in a wavy line with variegated thread . There 's a label in the bottom left corner with the baby 's name on it . Sure am glad this day 's over . Mondays just seem to drag at work . Then when I get home I 'm too beat to do much of anything . Tonight Johanna and Ben came by to show me pics from their Vegas trip . They had a good time . I made burgers and fries for supper . The kids ate and then headed home . Nick sent me a text from his gig in Springfield with the jazz band . He 's having a good night . Gave my coworker the baby quilt today . He said that the baby quilt I had given the other grandchild is hanging above her bed , now that the child is too big to use it . The mom didn 't want to pack it away so she hung it up ! That made me feel pretty good . Frogs : We have tree frogs again . I love them . Ev hates them . They hang out until the pool is up and has chemicals in it . I like the sound of them , although they really are quite loud . Ev 's still got some city boy in him and the sound of frogs makes him a little crazy . Dogs : Took Ivy for a walk this afternoon . Ivy is a big dog . She 's tall but not fat . We encountered one small poodle - ish dog not on a leash , one very angry black cat , and several other dogs in their yards on our walk who were not particularly friendly . The funniest of the lot was the cat , though . I would not want to tangle with it , that 's for sure , because ol ' puddy tat puffed up and hissed up a storm . Baby quilts : It 's done ! Finally got upstairs this evening and finished the baby quilt for my co worker 's grandchild . It 's quilted , bound , and labelled . Going to take it to work tomorrow and give it to him . Glad to have it finished . When I get the camera software reinstalled I 'll post a pic . Well , Ev has to go in to work early today , his birthday , and work a 12 hour shift . I 'm going to go home at lunch and let Ivy out for a bit , just to give her a break . I don 't really want to leave her out for hours on end when no one is home . I think I have an addiction to McDonald 's oatmeal . I can 't stand any of their other food , but I just love their oatmeal in the morning ! At least it 's something that 's good for me . My diet is not going well at all . And tonight Diane and I are going shopping after work and will probably stop somewhere and eat . sigh . When I go home at lunch I think I 'll just have a salad or something really low cal . Really have to get that baby quilt done this weekend . With the demise of the old Singer , I 'll have to do the quilting on the old Kenmore , I guess . I 'll just do some simple lines , either stitch in the ditch or wavy lines . I saw pictures on one of the chat groups I follow where this gal had made the cutest potholders . She just did some strip piecing , but I think that she did a ' quilt as you go ' technique on them that would make them work up really quickly . Going to have to do some of that to make a few potholders for gifts . I have a lot of insulbrite left from my last trip to Arthur . I have to use a heavier needle when I sew through it , but other than that , it 's not difficult to work with . Sure am glad tomorrow is Friday . Having a few days off last week has made this week seem really long to me . And to top it off , it 's raining again . I 'm about sick of rain . Thankfully we don 't live where all the flooding is occurring in the state . Last week we were in Golconda and Elizabethtown down along the Ohio river . We also visited Metropolis , IL . The news yesterday said that they had put up the flood walls in Golconda and had evacuated Elizabethtown . Metropolis was shown on the t . v . and there was more water there than there had been last week . Sure am glad the quilt show was last week ! I was really tired when I got home tonight from work and wanted to take a short nap . I took the garbage out to the street before I sat down because once I took my shoes off that was going to be it . Well , we hadn 't gotten the garbage out last week because we forgot and there was a lot to take out from the garage . It took me twenty minutes to get it all out ! Anyway , when I came back in to try and lay down Ivy decided she wanted me to throw the squeaky toy for her . She kept putting it on my back then laying her head on top of mine ! It was hopeless . . . I had to throw the squeaky toy . I have to reinstall the software for my camera so I can upload some pictures . I 've got the disc , just haven 't gotten around to it yet . I have a flash drive that I 'm going to put copies of the pictures on , I think , just in case something happens again . And I think I might put my quilt patterns on one , also ! That 's what I thought I was . My computer got seriously infected with malware when I attempted to download updates for it . Ouch ! I had the good fortune to get advice from my techie son and a computer repair person that just happened to be in our office today . I had to completely wipe the drive and start over from scratch with a system restore . This doesn 't make me mad , but I did lose a few things , such as quilt patterns , and pictures . But it 's better than losing the whole computer ! I have just one thing to say . How come four and a half days off go by so fast when I 'm not at work ? Didn 't do any sewing today . Just a little organizing in the sewing room and going to settle in for the night by reading through the AQS show booklet . I know I didn 't see all there was to see and it 's kind of fun to go through the book and remember parts of the show ! |
It 's not Father 's Day yet , but Facebook posts and television ads are already celebrating it . Every year that I 've been able , I 've taken my dad to lunch to his favorite restaurant for Father 's Day . For the past few years , it 's been Blue Cactus . He ordered the Mexican Summer Salmon every time . My dad was a creature of habit . He also didn 't like a lot of noise or crowds , being the introvert that he was . So , it was a nice , quiet place that served a consistently good meal . I always drove when we went anywhere , and I 'm not sure how or when that started . I guess it has been ever since he moved back to Tennessee . He lost his job in Chicago , and it was a mixture of a disappointment and a relief for my dad . He was a functioning , lonely alcoholic out there . He had friends at work , but he had no one in his personal life . When he came home , he had me as well as his siblings and his mom . He quit drinking after a long battle and got a job as a janitor at a warehouse . It was easy work aside from having to walk all over the enormous warehouse . He gained a lot of weight when he first moved in with me because he drank so much and didn 't move except when he absolutely had to . When he quit drinking , he started learning how to cook some pretty impressive ( and healthy ) meals . Between the healthy meals and the walking , he shed 60 pounds . Yet , all the sudden he seemed so much older , weaker , and tired . He complained about his ankles being swollen . I didn 't know at the time that it was a sign of heart disease . I kept nagging him to get a check - up because I did have a feeling that something might be wrong , but he never went until it was too late . Last Father 's Day , Dad and I went to Blue Cactus , and he ordered his Mexican Summer Salmon . We went to the park afterward , because hiking is something that we used to do together . I knew he wasn 't in the shape for hiking , but I thought a walk in the park would be possible . He was out of breath after we walked less than a quarter of a mile . I struggled to walk slowly enough to match his pace as it was . He assured me that he was fine , that he was just worn out from work . He said that he needed to try the early shift instead of the evening . This was the man who hiked the trail in Maui with me , which included hiking through creeks , swing bridges , and pathways only as wide as one shoe . We hiked Fiery Gizzard , one of the most difficult trails in Tennessee , and we hiked the Smokey Mountains together . He did those hikes with a cigarette in his mouth the whole time , and he didn 't have to stop to catch his breath . Years later , my dad was dying , and I didn 't know it . We went to Blue Cactus a month before he went to the hospital . He ordered the gumbo because he said that his stomach had been bothering him . He didn 't have much of an appetite . He bought new shoes in hopes that his knees and feet wouldn 't be so sore . Maybe his ankles would stop swelling . I was so busy with my new job that I only talked to him every two or three weeks in the months leading up to his death . I have so many regrets . But I also have wonderful memories of him . I loved my dad with all of my heart , and the day that he passed , my heart was broken . It was a feeling that I had never experienced . No broken relationship or rejection could remotely compare to that heart break . Regret , anger , blame , and grief all worked together to crush my heart when I lost him . I have been trying to get past all of that since December 30th , and I try to focus on the good memories . My dad loved me , and he always made time for me , even when he worked hundreds of miles away . We traveled together , hiked , cooked , and spent time with his family . He always asked about me and told me that he was proud of me . He was very honest with me , sometimes to a fault . Our relationship wasn 't perfect , but it was meaningful and I 'm glad that I was there for him at the end . He was a good man who worked hard and loved his family . He was always generous to everyone around him . He was definitely there for me anytime that I needed him , and I hope that I was there for him enough . I will miss him on this first Father 's Day without him . I already made it through his first birthday since his passing . I hope that these events will get easier with time . Until then , I can remember the good times that we shared . It 's a strange feeling , to feel so distant from everyone and everything around me . I do what I need to in order to get by . I wouldn 't call this sadness or anger . I don 't know what it is . Apathy ? No , not quite , because I 'm constantly worried . I want to feel those normal human feelings . Today I threw a spoon at my toaster . It hasn 't been working right lately ; it 's ten years old . My boyfriend stood there looking very concerned , rightly so . " What can I do ? " " Let me help you , " he insisted . He 's beyond wonderful to me , and he 's understandably worried about my behavior lately . Truthfully , I threw the damn spoon because I wanted to feel something . I wanted to feel anger . The opportunity presented itself , and it felt exhilarating . Then , I felt stupid . Truthfully , I do still feel something when I 'm with him . I love him so much , and he has been my rock through this episode that I 'm having . Every time he hugs me , kisses me , or holds my hand , I feel a connection . It 's a little tug into the world , outside of these walls that I 've been stuck behind . Then there 's my mom . When I 'm having a melt - down , I can call her and know that she will calm me down . She knows just what to say . It wasn 't always like that . She used to get angry with me , and maybe it 's because it used to happen more often when I was younger . Maybe she understands me better now . I haven 't been able to completely come back into the world , though , and I 'm not sure what the answer is … a healthy diet , sleep , and the will to just keep going through the motions as I just give myself time , I guess is the way . When it comes down to it , right now I just want to crawl under the covers and not get up until this passes . I know that I can 't though . So , sometimes I 'll have to throw a spoon , or I 'll have to kiss my boyfriend in the middle of a crowded room , or I 'll drink too much and laugh too loudly in public . This might be grief . It might be depression , or anxiety , or all three rolled into one messy package that I didn 't ask for . I just hope that soon I can knock down these walls , or there might be no one left for me outside of them . I cleaned out my dad 's apartment with the help of my mom , stepdad , and my boyfriend . His whole life was thrown into the back of a pick up truck : boxes of clothes , cds , thrift store furniture , his mom 's old dishes , bags of food that he just bought three days beforehand , and a box of photographs . We hauled almost everything to the Goodwill , besides the photographs and a few sentimental items . My dad is supposed to be cremated tomorrow . That is what he wanted , and that is what I would choose as well . It seems like the cleanest way . Also , I 've already seen his lifeless body , and I really don 't want to see it sitting in a box . My dad is going to be burned into ashes , and those ashes , 7 - 8 pounds of bone matter , are going to be in a fancy urn that I bought from Amazon . I don 't have a grave stone for him , but I ordered a little engraved plate to stick on the fancy urn that reads his name and " Loving Father and brother " and his birth - death dates . I chose a wooden box with prayer hands , not because I am particularly religious ( I am not ; I refused the priest at the hospital because those trite words " He 's gone to a better place " are not reassuring to me ) . I chose the prayer hands because there is something peaceful about them , and because my daddy 's hands stick in my mind as a symbol of him that I 've known my whole life . I rubbed lotion on those rough , dry , scarred hands in the hospital as he lay dying , hoping that his condition would turn around . I held one of those rough hands , and my mostly unemotional / unaffectionate dad squeezed my hand in silence while he stared at the ceiling from the hospital bed . Please know , I NEVER doubted his love . He was not a sap , but he very much showed me and told me in his own way . He was always there for me , and God I am glad that I can say that I was there for him to the bitter end . His hands were a symbol of who he was as a person . He 's a bit rough round the edges , and he 's a bit scarred . He 's worked hard his whole life , and " gloves are for ladies " . But as he squeezed my hand , I was reminded of his strength , and my hand felt small inside of his . It reminded me of everything he 's done for me , in spite of the alcoholism and the many hours that he was away at work in another state . My daddy fought addiction , and I spent two years of my life helping him conquer it . He lived with me after he lost his job of 30 years that nearly broke him . It was a blessing , in a way , that he lost that job . I yelled at him , threw things at him , and threatened to kick him out ( empty threat , of course ) . I poured his liquor down the drain and gave his beer to some friends of mine . Mom could walk away from him because he 's not her blood , and he wouldn 't let the bottle go for her , and I don 't blame her one bit . But I couldn 't walk way from the man who held me as a baby , the man who used to take me to the movies to see Disney cartoons and horror films ( yes , both ) , the man who took me to karate lessons and fried eggs and bologna for me in the morning , the man whose lap I would curl up in when I grew sleepy , the man who drove 5 hours once a month to see me when he worked in Georgia or who flew from Chicago every quarter to see me , the man who took me on vacation wherever I chose in the US every summer until he lost his job , the man who had 12 pictures of me hanging in his apartment , all of different stages of my life . It 's true that I am closer to my mom , but I felt a kind of responsibility to my dad . He gave me life , and he did the best he could while fighting a nasty , stubborn demon . We fought that demon together though , and we won . Those weren 't the only demons , unfortunately . My dad found out that he had congestive heart disease in December . He died on December 30th . It 's almost a blur , it happened so quickly . He called me on a Saturday morning , and I didn 't answer the phone . I was at my apartment , and I hadn 't had my coffee yet . Already , mom had called . " I can 't handle two parent calls before coffee , " I said . I listened to his message after I drank my coffee . " Desiree , this is your dad , " it began . It was how he always began his messages , so I figured it was just an ordinary call to see how I was doing . " I 'm in the hospital at St Thomas . Call me back as soon as you can , " he said . His voice sounded weak . It was the phone call that I had been fearing . He lives alone in an apartment an hour away from me . I moved for my job , and he 's one of the reasons I was hesitant to do that . My boyfriend , who often stays with me on the weekends , and I jumped in our cars and headed to the hospital after I got in touch with him . " I 'm having heart problems , " Dad told me . Now , three of his brothers have heart problems , so I thought , well here we go , but I thought we 'd have years to cope with it . He told me that he 'd thought that he had pneumonia , but then his whole body swelled up . He drove himself to the hospital because he couldn 't figure out how to work the new smart phone I had given him ( my dad is a smart man , but he is not technologically inclined ) . He smoked his last cigarette ever in the hospital parking lot , and he walked in to meet his fate . He was in the hospital for 16 days . He had no insurance , but he was an army vet , so we were able to transfer him to the VA for the last week . My best friend and I went to his apartment and cleaned it , including throwing away all cigarette paraphernalia . He was given 8 pills to take every day that I meticulously halved and / or sorted into a weekly pill box . He was put on a low sodium diet , and we spent two and a half hours reading labels and searching for edible but healthy meals . He could barely walk through the parking lot without getting out of breath , so he rode in one of those motorized scooters that I 'm pretty sure we 've made fun of at some point . I made him some chicken , and I explained to him how I cooked it and seasoned it . I helped him figure out how to use his defibrillator vest , and I made sure his phone was charging and that the ringer was on . He did everything right . He ate his sodium free diet , and he quit smoking . He killed that second demon , but congestive heart failure is a demon that can 't be fought sometimes . His heart was too badly damaged . I felt my own heart break inside of my chest as I fought with doctors to tell me what was going on . I know why they call it heart break now , because that is exactly how the pain feels . It has helped to talk with other people who knew him . Some of his relatives have been to the hospital a few times , and they are sharing in my loss , and I spoke with his work supervisor of the maintenance job he 'd found right after he became sober . " He 's a good man . He 'd do anything for anyone who asked . We miss him here , " the man told me . My boyfriend and I visited my dad the last day of his life . I introduced Dan to him , and Dan helped him with his car . It was left at the original hospital where he was taken , so it hadn 't been driven for 16 days . Dan and I bought a jumper cable box for him so that if he continued to have trouble starting his car , that would get him through until he got a new car . We had planned to go car shopping next weekend . I also brought him a scale because he was supposed to weigh himself daily . He weighed 157 lbs , and he had weighed 180 lbs in November . I also took his bag of $ 50 in change so that I could cash it in for him . He left his car running so that it would charge , and he was going upstairs to get his laundry bag . I wanted to help him , but I had to see what he could do on his own before I went back to my own apartment an hour away . I stayed in town through the whole month of December to assist him , and I was on winter break from teaching anyway . Dad thanked Dan for helping him , and he smiled at both of us . " Are you feeling alright , Dad ? " I asked . He laughed . " What do you think ? Nah , it 's okay . I 'm doing what I can , but the doctor said I could drop dead at any point . Not much I can do about that , " he said , still smiling . I told him not to talk like that , and I told him that I loved him . I think I did . I hope I did . I got a call from the defibrillator company later that day that his heart had stopped . They asked me to go check on him . I still don 't know why they didn 't call an ambulance , but apparently that 's not how it works . My boyfriend drove me to his apartment . His car was still running , and his apartment door was open . I felt numb and panicked , so I ran up the stairs to see what was going on . He was laying there with the dining chair collapsed beside him . His eyes and mouth were wide open . I screamed and wailed , and my boyfriend held me . He went to check his pulse and to see if he was breathing . I touched his forehead , and he was cold . " What do I do , what do I do ? He 's dead ! " I yelled . " Call 911 , " my boyfriend sensibly replied . Oh my Jesus , he is wonderful in a crisis . The operator told me to do chest compressions , and Dan heard her so he began doing them . It was too late though . The ambulance still took him to the hospital and reassured me that they 'd do what they could to save him . I knew he was gone , but that gave me a twinge of hope . Dan and I went to the hospital , and we waited in line in the emergency room behind this elderly lady who spent what seemed hours talking to the nurse on desk duty . Finally , a nurse came out and led us to a small room with two couches and a television on mute on the wall , as well as a bouquet of flowers sitting on a small white table . The waiting was killing me . " I just want to know for sure . I need the doctor to get in here and just get it over with , " I said . I saw my dad once more at the funeral home , his eyes and mouth were closed , so he appeared to be sleeping . I try not to think of the images of him after he died . I concentrate on that last moment that I had with him , and he smiled a big smile at me . He seemed so much at peace that day that I wonder if he knew that he wasn 't going to live much longer . It was traumatic and I wouldn 't wish it on anyone , but in a way I am relieved that I was the one who found him . I was there for him until the bitter end . More than that , I am so grateful that I came to see him right before he passed . I saw him happy , and he was grateful to me , as I was to him for being the best dad that he could be . Dad was more than his demons . He was an army vet , a traveler , a hiker , a fisherman , a bowler , a football fan , a western film fan , a brother , a father , a son , and a hard worker , a helpful man who would loan neighbors and co - workers anything that he could give : be it a ride , a cigarette , or 20 bucks . He hated commercials on television and standing in line . He thought Beavis and Butthead were funny , and he didn 't vote because they 're all crooks . He said he didn 't like dogs , but he often cuddled with my dog while he lived with me , and I even heard him talking to the dog a few times . He liked cooking at home and listening to 90s music thanks to me . He never missed an episode of Bonanza on television even though he 's seen every episode five times already . He was a simple man , but there was more to him than meets the eye . He will be missed , and this world was a better place for having him in it . Life is full of noise and chaos , and even when I have the opportunity to escape it , my mind plays a recorded loop of noise and chaos . We all do it . We stare at our phones , checking Facebook or Twitter only to stress ourselves out or be entertained by mindless click bait posts . We take selfies so that we might receive validation online . We binge watch shows on Netflix until we fall asleep on the couch . Even dating has evaporated into " Netflix and chill " instead of dinner and a movie for most young people . My job is a constant flow of chaos wherein I have to make quick decisions and improvisations depending on how my young students are behaving or responding at that moment . Sometimes I can go by my script , but it 's counterproductive to continue the script when it 's clearly not working . I 'm exhausted at the end of the day , even though I enjoy what I do , it is taxing . I run and lift weights when I need to escape the chaos and the noise loop . I play music on my headphones to block it out . It works temporarily , and it does clear my mind and rejuvinate me . Yet , when I try to just be still , I can 't . I can 't resist looking at Facebook or reading the news , or turning on the television . When I do attempt meditation , my mind is enveloped in chaos , and I begin fixating on a issue with my job or with my relationship ( and even when there isn 't an issue , I create one in my mind sometimes ) . I have questioned my spiritual beliefs ever since I was a child when I attended a church , and the youth pastor asked me where people go when they are lost . " The police ? " I asked . Everyone laughed . " Hell , " he said , " lost people go to Hell . " Hellfire and brimstone continued to be preached to me at various churches . Later I discovered Unity church , which had a more positive and metaphysical approach to Christianity . I still couldn 't wrap my mind around the idea of God . I still can 't . I decided to study Buddhism , and I even attended a few Buddhist meditations . This belief system resonates with me more than Christianity ever did . I think it is important that people find a spiritual practice to get away from the noise and chaos of life , and to realize that we are so insignificant in the universe , so our problems are definitely not world - ending problems . I struggle with practicing because I am so busy and because I haven 't figured out how to quiet my mind in the stillness . The closest I have gotten lately is hiking . When I am in nature , I feel like I am with God , or at least a spiritual presence that I can 't define . Nature is my sanctuary . Yet , I can 't escape to the mountains in every day life . In the evenings , I hope to begin the habit of meditating , even if it 's only for five minutes the first few times that I try it . I challenge you , reader , to try it with me . Unplug from your phone , tv , and computer for 5 - 10 quiet minutes . Go to a peaceful place in your mind , and get lost there for a time . Then , just stay in the stillness until the chaotic noise loop takes over again . The stillness makes the chaos easier to manage . The world will not end if you escape for a moment . I may be rusty today . I have only been writing case studies , web content ( for my 2nd job ) , lesson plans , and poetry for kindergarten students since October . I haven 't had time to breathe , much less write creatively . I don 't know why I stopped journaling ( that 's not a word , SpellCheck ? Hmmph ) . I have been reading a book that seems to never end … IQ84 by Haraku Murakami . Did I spell that right ? I 'll look it up later . I wish I had more time to devote to it so that it wouldn 't take months to read . It 's funny though , because there is so much parallelism that I can 't forget what happened earlier in the book . Thank you , Murakami , for making that easy for me . I would say that I am tired , but I don 't think that is the right word . I am on a journey , again , and God I hope I end up where I want to be next fall . I am teaching at this private school . I enjoy it for the most part , but the pay is not enough for my bills . I am looking at public schools , and the thought keeps recurring to me - I need out of here . I am going to apply to the Florida school system . It could be for a year , or a few years , who knows . I just really want to start over . I 've felt for years that I am stuck . This year it felt more like I am preparing for something . I am about to finish my graduate program at Vanderbilt . I can 't believe I am even uttering those words . It was a fluke that happened because I am at this low budget private school ( I love my kids , and the administration , just so you know ) . I was blessed to be given a grant to go there to earn my ESL certification . In other words , my resume will be much more attractive to schools this time around . I feel like Holly Golightly - I haven 't unpacked everything because this isn 't home , this crappy one bedroom apartment on the rough side of town . I am ready to get to where I am supposed to go . I love so many people in my life , but I am ready to find new connections in a new place with a new job . And damn it , I want to have time to write . I want to only have one job ! I want to be content , but not too content … more content than I am now , that is for sure . I want to love what I do . I want to be in love , I want to be home . I want to feel like I 've mostly gotten there , wherever there is . These are a couple of poems that I wrote this past year . My life has been hectic and somewhat devoid of internet use . However , I realize how much I need this , so I 'm making time tonight . Writing is my therapy : ) My facebook feed was throwing up rainbows today . I 'm sure I am not alone in this . Even if you have no interest in the issue and most of your friends have no interest , it has been the main story of every major news outlet . Agree or disagree , marriage equality was passed by our Supreme Court today , and this will matter for our future . A white woman pretending to be black and getting fired from the NAACP will not matter a year from now . Josh Duggar won 't matter . I can think of several other recent stupid stories that blew up my newsfeed lately that won 't matter . But this changes our society just like Roe vs Wade or Brown vs Board of Education . The Civil Rights act , the amendment that allowed women to vote , the amendment that allowed bi - racial marriage … these events changed our society , evolved it . Honestly , I wasn 't sure what I thought about gay marriage years ago . Then I got to a point where I didn 't care . Today , though , I reflected on it by looking at myself . Yes , because human beings are selfish creatures , and until we can look at a situation from our own self - centered eyes , we don 't understand or care . I am 32 years old , and I am single . I have dated and had relationships , and it 's not that I can 't find a person who wants to be with me . I just haven 't found the right person for me . Yet , I do have the freedom to explore my options and marry someone if and when I do find that person . So then I imagine if I were suddenly living in a country where I wasn 't allowed to marry a man . If I walked down the street with a man , we would be met with scrutiny . People might laugh at us or call us gross . In this new land , I might mention to my parents that I like a boy at school , and they are filled with fear . No one will accept me . No one will like me . How will my attraction to men affect their reputation ? So they need time to process this , because they love me but they didn 't mean to raise a daughter who wants to have sex with men . How did this happen ? Where did they go wrong ? I might go several years without dating anyone because I don 't want to upset the people around me . One day , let 's say I fall in love with this man , and in this new land , I am told that I can date him , and I can even have a fake wedding with him . But I can 't have a real marriage and a real wedding officiated by an actual official . So , I ask , what should I do ? I can 't change the fact that I am attracted to men . It 's an attraction that I 've felt since I was able to interact with people . It 's not something that I decided . In this land , I am a church goer , a follower of God . My church tells me that it isn 't right . I should resist the temptation of the sin . What is your answer ? I should just live alone ? I should just force myself to be with people I 'm not attracted to ? I should just live the rest of my life without being in love with someone ? I 'm not going to pretend that I know how you feel if you are gay . I can only imagine how that process works … having to deal with society , your family , etc . when you tell them that you 're gay . I do know that the thought of living the rest of my life alone , without a partner to share it with , is fucking depressing . God , nature , spirit , whatever you want to call it , did not intend for humans to live solitary lives . It is our nature to find a mate to share our lives with . True , women and men were created with sexual organs to breed more humans . But your sexual orientation is more of an instinct than a choice , so whatever the reason , some humans were born with the instinct to be with those of the same sex . Currently , most of our world is populating at rate that is difficult for our Earth to sustain with its limited resources . Also , heterosexuals still outnumber homosexuals . So , I don 't for see the Earth 's population deteriorating due to homosexual marriage . Their love hurts no one . No one should be denied love . I think today was a huge step in the right direction for our evolution into a more loving , intelligent society . PagesWelcome to the portal to my mind ; try not to get lost ! I am a writer , a reader , a teacher , a thinker , a hiker , and a wearer of many hats . Enjoy and share your thoughts with me if you like . |
" Look at what the sign says , " a tall , thin - legged man told his friends . " Darn coyotes are scavengers . Says they eat rabbits , mice , even cactus . Cows , too , my brother tells me . " " Children , please bide your time . I usually recite only one bedtime story each night . In honor of the full moon which coyotes love so much , I will tell a Stephanie tale and a Guillermo tale this evening . " Juanita held the tip of her paw to her mouth , signaling silence . She did not like interruptions when she was telling her tales , except when the interruption was invited . She waited a full minute until all six of her children were paying attention . " No , children , we don 't chase cows and sheep . Coyotes rarely attack the human 's animals , though the humans blame us nearly every time one of their animals is mutilated . Humans rarely blame the wolves or the mountain lions or their neighbors ' dogs . " " Correct , Alfred . My diet was mostly made up of small wild animals which I encountered during my hunts . Field mice in the spring . An unwary rabbit in early summer . Grasshoppers in late summer were always plentiful . The fall and winter presented the hardest times because cold weather in the mountains keeps many wild animals and insects underground . Still , I managed to feed on wild berries . The early fall was the best because the birds would come and gorge on overripe berries , then fall to the ground and stagger around because the berries made them dizzy . Oh , the birds I have eaten : blue jays and pine jays ; tanagers and warblers ; purple martins and finches . My favorite has always been the white - winged dove . They were plump and juicy and delightful to a coyote 's taste buds . " " Only once , Benita . During one harsh winter , ice and snow covered the mountain meadows and trees . I had eaten only nuts and bits of dried cactus which I had stored in my den . I was starving . I headed for lower ground where I knew the humans lived in greater numbers . One moonlit night I snuck into a hen house and stole two chickens . The whole hen house was in an uproar . I knew the humans would come and investigate . So , I ran as fast as a coyote can with two chickens in its mouth . " Juanita adjusted herself slightly and continued . " I have eaten other human food which they have discarded along roads or hiking paths : potato chips , hamburger rolls , bits of something called hot dogs , for example . These foods are okay , but I really prefer my food uncooked . " " I tasted a piece of crunchy orange corn which a human tossed in our exhibit last week , " Stephanie said . " It tasted yukky . I like the food the keepers give us . " " Only grown coyotes can howl at the harvest moon , " Walter instructed as he passed his children , bending down and licking each one , in turn , with the tip of his tongue . " You children can listen to the second tale your mother promised while I serenade in the distance . " And , with that , Walter pranced outside into the light of the harvest moon . Benjamin , the shyest of the six coyote children , at last spoke up . " I know it is Guillermo 's turn for a second tale , but I 'd like to hear once more the story about how you came to the Museum , mother . However , only if Guillermo agrees ? " Benjamin said , lowering his head and afraid to look Guillermo in the face . " Okay , okay , " Guillermo said , just a little irritated . " Tell the story that will make poor little Benjamin happy . Maybe then he won 't sulk and feel sorry for himself . " " Each of us has different personalities , " Juanita said gently . " The humans think we are all the same because , to them , all coyotes look and act the same . Little do they know how different we can be , and that 's what the second tale is all about . " With that prologue , Juanita began her tale . " Once upon a time , many moons ago , when I was very young and inexperienced I had my only other litter of pups . My husband at that time was a surly older coyote named Nicholas . Unlike your father , Walter , Nicholas was not a kind parent . He growled at our children constantly and forced me to do all the hunting while he lounged away in the den and did nothing . One day , because I had not returned with enough food to suit him , Nicholas bit me on the ear and began picking up my pups and started shaking them . I was fearful that he was actually going to eat them . That very night when he was sound asleep the children and I left quickly and followed a stream so it would hide our scent . " " We traveled for three days and nights without stopping , except to rest briefly and eat a few water beetles , " Juanita continued . " Travel by day can be very dangerous for a mother coyote and her siblings . We have our enemies , as I 've told you . Mountain lions , like Victor , or a wandering bear or a large bobcat would consider small coyotes to be a hearty meal . But , thanks to the Great Coyote God in the sky who lives behind the moon , we all reached a remote area under the stream 's bank . There was a den close by . " " Yes . Mario showed us his den and told us the tale of his dead wife , Sarah . Sarah had been killed by a hunter who used one of those flaming tubes . " " Thank you , Tomas . Yes , a rifle . Anyway , Mario was everything Nicholas was not . He was kind and patient . He hunted with me and later trained my children to hunt , too . But Mario was an old coyote and , as will happen to all of us , one moonlit night he told me , ' Juanita , dearest , I am very tired . I am going out into the thicket and lie down and rest . ' " " As I was saying , once my children were raised and out on their own and I had endured the winter of ice and snow , I decided to take what the humans call ' early retirement . ' From the top of a hill just west of here , I saw one moonlit night that there was a coyote exhibit . I spied Walter pacing back and forth and knew that he was lonely . I thought to myself , ' Juanita , how can you join him ? You cannot just trot up to the admissions window and ask for a ticket . ' So , I thought and I thought and I thought . The answer was right before my very eyes , but it took me a long time to see it . The next moonlit night I crept to the cyclone fence near where the keepers store their work clothes . I sat , pointed my nose toward the sky , and began to howl . I prayed that the humans would know how to capture me . I prayed and prayed they would not shoot me with one of their rifles . " " Well , I will continue , but just with the conclusion to the tale . Mr . Lopez is a Tohono O ' odham Indian and knows more about coyotes than any human being I have ever encountered . He let himself outside the gate and approached me slowly and with soothing words . He slipped a leash around my neck , and I let him lead me inside to an area I later learned was called the animal quarantine . For a month , I was given various shots and many medical tests . At long last , I was taken to Walter and properly introduced . We courted and fell in love . It took a while , but I finally had my second litter of pups . When you are grown , you will be taken to other places where you will prosper as I have here . " A long time ago the Bluebird 's feathers were a very dull ugly colour . It lived near a lake with waters of the most delicate blue which never changed because no stream flowed in or out . Because the bird admired the blue water , it bathed in the lake four times every morning for four days , and every morning it sang : All the while , Coyote had been watching the bird . He wanted to jump in and catch it for his dinner , but he was afraid of the blue water . But on the fifth morning he said to the Bluebird : " How is it that all your ugly colour has come out of your feathers , and now you are all blue and sprightly and beautiful ? You are more beautiful than anything that flies in the air . I want to be blue , too . " Then he started running along very fast , looking at his shadow to see if it also was blue . He was not watching the road , and presently he ran into a stump so hard that it threw him down upon the ground and he became dust - coloured all over . And to this day all coyotes are the colour of dusty earth . " Long , long ago , when the world was young and people had not come out yet , " said an elderly Indian years ago , " the animals and the birds were the people of this country . They talked to each other just as we do . And they married , too . " Coyote ( ki - o - ti ) was the most powerful of the animal people , for he had been given special power by the Spirit Chief . For one thing , he changed the course of Big River , leaving Dry Falls behind . In some stories , he was an animal ; in others he was a man , sometimes a handsome young man . In that long ago time before this time , when all the people and all the animals spoke the same language , Coyote made one of his frequent trips along Great River . He stopped when he came to the place where the water flowed under the Great Bridge that joined the mountains on one side of the river with the mountains on the other side . There he changed himself into a handsome young hunter . When travelling up the river the last time , he had seen a beautiful girl in a village not far from the bridge . He made up his mind that he would ask the girl 's father if he might have her for his wife . The girl 's father was a chief . When the handsome young man went to the chief 's lodge , he carried with him a choice gift for the father in return for his daughter . " She is my only daughter , " the chief said to the young hunter . " And she is very dear to my heart . I shall not be like other fathers and trade her for a pile of furs . You will have to win the heart of my daughter , for I want her to be happy . " So Coyote came to the chiefs lodge every day , bringing with him some small gift that he thought would please the girl . But he never seemed to bring the right thing . She would shyly accept his gift and the run away to the place where the women sat in the sun doing their work with deerskins or to the place where the children were playing games . Every day Coyote became more eager to win the beautiful girl . He thought and thought about what gifts to take to her . " Perhaps the prettiest flower hidden in the forest , " he said to himself one day , " will be the gift that will make her want to marry me . " He went to the forest beside Great River and searched for one whole day . Then he took to the chief 's lodge the most beautiful flower he had found . He asked to see the chief . " I have looked all day for this flower for your daughter , " said Coyote to the chief . " If this does not touch her heart , what will ? What gift can I bring that will win her heart ? " The chief was the wisest of all the chiefs of a great tribe . He answered , " Why don 't you ask my daughter ? Ask her , today , what gift will make her heart the happiest of all hearts . " As the two finished talking , they saw the girl come out of the forest . Again Coyote was pleased and excited by her beauty and her youth . He stepped up to her and asked , " Oh , beautiful one , what does your heart want most of all ? I will get for you anything that you name . This flower that I found for you in a hidden spot in the woods is my pledge . " Coyote turned to her father . " It is well . In seven suns I will come for you and your daughter . I will take you to the pool she asked for . The pool will be for her alone . " For seven suns Coyote worked to build the pool that would win the heart of the girl he wished to marry . First he cut a great gash in the hills on the south side of Great River . Then he lined that gash with trees and shrubs and ferns to the very top of a high wall that looked toward the river . Then he went to the bottom of the rock wall and slanted it back a long way , far enough to hollow out a wide pool . He climbed up the wall again and went far back into the hills . There he made a stream come out of the earth , and he sent it down the big gash he had made , to fall over the slanting rock wall . From the edge of that wall the water dropped with spray and mist . And so the water made , at the bottom , a big screen that hid the pool from all eyes . When he had finished his work , Coyote went to the village to invite the chief and his daughter to see what he had made . When they had admired the new waterfall , he showed them the pool that lay behind it and the spray . He watched the eyes of the girl . She looked with smiling eyes , first at the pool and the waterfall in front of it , and then at the young hunter who had made them for her . He could see that she was pleased . He could see that at last he had won her heart . She told her father that she was willing to become the wife of the young hunter . In that long ago time before this time , two old grandmothers sat all day on top of the highest mountains . One sat on the top of the highest mountain north of Great River . The other sat on the highest mountain south of it . When the one on the north side talked , she could be heard eastward as far as the Big Shining Mountains , westward as far as the big water where the sun hides every night , and northward to the top of the world . Now they saw the chief 's daughter go every morning to bathe in the pool , and they saw Coyote wait for her outside the screen of waterfall and spray . The old grandmothers heard the two sing to each other and laugh together . The grandmothers laughed at the pair , raised their voices , and told all the people what they saw and heard . She was no longer happy . She no longer sang with joy . One day she asked Coyote to allow her to go alone to the pool . The old grandmothers watched her go behind the waterfall . Then they saw her walk from the pool and go down into Great River . Her people never saw her again . Coyote , in a swift canoe , went down Great River in search of her . He saw her floating and swimming ahead of him , and he paddled as fast as he could . He reached her just before she was carried out into the big water where the sun hides at night . That was a long , long time ago . But even today , when the sun takes its last look at the high cliff south of Great River , two summer ducks swim out to look back at the series of waterfalls that dash down the high mountain . They look longest at the lowest cascade and the spray that hides the tree - fringed pool behind them . Two Coyotes were crossing a farmers field . Both Coyotes were strangers to each other for they had never met . Just as they were about to introduce themselves they heard the farmer yell , " There 's a Coyote in the field ! " The first Coyote turned to the other and told him to run ! They both started to run for the trees when they heard the farmer yell , " And there goes another one ! " . Finally both Coyotes made it to the cover of the trees and they started to introduce themselves . " I never saw you before , I am Wanderer , I am a Coyote like you . " The other Coyote looked at him oddly and said , " I am Sleek , but I am not a Coyote like you . " " Look my friend , you are confused . You have ears like mine , you have a tail like mine , our fur is the same , our snouts are the same , everything is the same , you are just like me and we are both Coyotes , " Wanderer tried to explain . " Listen let 's run across the field again and you will see , " challenged Sleek . So off they ran . First went Wanderer and again the Farmer yelled , " There goes that darn Coyote . " Then Sleek took afoot and the Farmer yelled , " And there goes another one … again ! " When the two Coyotes reached the other side of the field they ducked into the woods . Wanderer turned to Sleek and said , " There ! Didn 't you hear the Farmer ? He called us both Coyotes . " Sleek look disappointed with his new confused friend and said , " Yes I heard the Farmer . He called you a Coyote , but I am an ' Another One ' . " After Coyote had killed the monster near the mouth of the Jocko River , he turned south and went up the Bitterroot Valley . Soon he saw two huge monsters , one at each end of a ridge . Coyote killed them , changed them into tall rocks , and said , " You will always be there . " Then he went on . Someone had told him about another monster , an Elk monster , up on a mountain to the east . Coyote said to his wife , Mole , " Dig a tunnel clear to the place where that monster is . Dig several holes in the tunnel . Then move our camp to the other side . " " I came across the prairie , " lied Coyote . " Don 't you see my trail ? You must be blind if you didn 't see me . " The dogs wanted to fight . Grizzly Bear jumped at Coyote 's dog . Pine Squirrel went under him and killed him with the flint he wore on his head . The flint ripped Grizzly Bear . Bones and flesh flew everywhere . He knew that what he saw was Mole moving their camp , but the monster could not see clearly in the tunnel . Elk monster picked up his shield , his spear , and his knife . " I 'm ready , " he said . After they had gone a short distance along the trail , the monster fell into the first hole . Coyote called loudly , as if he were calling to an enemy ahead of them . The monster climbed out of the hole , tried to run , but fell into one hole after another . At last Coyote said to him , " Let me carry your shield . Then you can run faster . " Coyote put the shield on his back , but the monster still had trouble . " Let me carry your spear , " Coyote said . Soon he got the monster 's knife , also - and all of his equipment . Then Coyote ran round and round , shouting , " This is how we charge the enemy . " And he jabbed the monster with the monster 's spear . " I have the enemy 's war bonnet ! " he yelled . He jabbed the monster four times , each time yelling that he had taken something from the enemy . The fifth time he jabbed the monster , he yelled , " I have stripped the enemy . " Then he said to the Elk monster , " You can never kill anyone again . " Coyote went on up the Bitterroot Valley . He heard a baby crying , up on a hill . Coyote went up to the baby , not knowing it was a monster . He put his finger in the baby 's mouth , to let it suck . The baby ate the flesh off Coyote 's finger , then his hand , and then his arm . The monster baby killed Coyote . Only his skeleton was left . After a while , Coyote 's good friend Fox came along . Fox stepped over the dead body , and Coyote came to life . He began to stretch as if he had been asleep . " I 've slept a long time , " he said to Fox . Coyote looked around , but the baby was gone . He put some flint on his finger and waited for the baby to come back . When he heard it crying , he called out , " Hello , baby ! You must be hungry . " After Coyote had left Sleeping Child , Fox joined him again and they traveled together . Soon Coyote grew tired of carrying his blanket , and so he laid it on a rock . After they had traveled farther , they saw a storm coming . They went back to the rock , Coyote picked up his blanket , and the two friends moved on . When the rain began to fall , he put the blanket over himself and Fox . While lying there , covered by the blanket , they looked out and saw the rock running toward them . Fox went uphill , but Coyote ran downhill . The rock followed close on Coyote 's trail . Coyote crossed the river , sure that he was safe . Spreading his clothes out on a rock , he thought he would rest while they dried . But the rock followed him across the river . When he saw it coming out of the water , Coyote began to run . He saw three women sitting nearby , with stone hammers in their hands . But the rock got away from the women . Coyote ran on to where a creek comes down from the mountains near Darby . There he took some vines - Indians call them " monkey ropes " - and placed them so that the rock would get tangled up in them . He set fire to the monkey ropes . The rock got tangled in the burning ropes and was killed by the heat . Then Coyote said to the rock , " The Indians will come through hereon their way to the buffalo country . They will play with you . They will find you slick and heavy , and they will lift you up . " Coyote left the dead rock and went on farther . Soon he saw a mountain sheep . The sheep insulted Coyote and made him angry . Coyote grabbed him and threw him against a pine tree . The body went clear through the tree , but the head stayed on it . The horns stuck out from the trunk of the tree . Coyote said to the tree , " When people go by , they will talk to you . They will say , ' I want to have good luck . So I will leave a gift here for you . ' They will leave gifts and you will make them lucky - in hunting or in war or in anything they wish to do . " In my childhood , the skull and face were still there . When I was a young girl , people told me to put some of my hair inside the sheep 's horn , so that I would live a long time . I did . That 's why I 'm nearly ninety years old . As the interpreter and I were leaving Painted - Hem - of - the - Skirt , she bent low and made a sweeping movement around her ankles and the hem of her long skirt . Then she said a few words and laughed heartily . The interpreter explained : " She says she hopes that she will not find a rattlesnake wrapped around her legs because she told some of the old stories in the summertime . " She had laughed often as she told the tales , but I feel sure that her mother would not have related them in the summertime . " It is good to tell stories in the wintertime , " the Indians of the Northwest used to say . " There are long nights in the wintertime . " " You are tiny , " Coyote said . " I would never want to be as little as you . Look at me . You should be as big as me . " " Now I will go just out of sight , then we will call to each other to see how the other fares . " Coyote bounded through the tall grass and lay down out of sight . " Hey ! " " Oh , giants don 't frighten me , " said Coyote ( who had never met one ) . " I always kill them . I 'll fight this one too , and make an end of him . " So Coyote said good - bye to Old Woman and went ahead , whistling a tune . On his way he saw a large fallen branch that looked like a club . Picking it up , he said to himself , " I 'll hit the giant over the head with this . It 's big enough and heavy enough to kill him . " He walked on and came to a huge cave right in the middle of the path . Whistling merrily , he went in . " You probably thought it was a cave when you walked into his mouth , " the woman said , and sighed . " It 's easy to walk in , but nobody ever walks out . This giant is so big you can 't take him in with your eyes . His belly fills a whole valley . " " You 're foolish , " said Coyote . " If we 're really inside this giant , then the cave walls must be the inside of his stomach . We can just cut some meat and fat from him . " Coyote took his hunting knife and started cutting chunks out of the cave walls . As he had guessed , they were indeed the giant 's fat and meat , and he used it to feed the starving people . He even went back and gave some meat to the woman he had met first . Then all the people imprisoned in the giant 's belly started to feel stronger and happier , but not completely happy . " You 've fed us , " they said , " and thanks . But how are we going to get out of here ? " " Don 't worry , " said Coyote . " I 'll kill the giant by stabbing him in the heart . Where is his heart ? It must be around here someplace . " Then the giant spoke up . " Is that you , Coyote ? I 've heard of you . Stop this stabbing and cutting and let me alone . You can leave through my mouth ; I 'll open it for you . " " I 'll leave , but not quite yet , " said Coyote , hacking at the heart . He told the others to get ready . " As soon as I have him in his death throes , there will be an earthquake . He 'll open his jaw to take a last breath , and then his mouth will close forever . So be ready to run out fast ! " Coyote cut a deep hole in the giant 's heart , and lava started to flow out . It was the giant 's blood . The giant groaned , and the ground under the people 's feet trembled . " Quick , now ! " shouted Coyote . The giant 's mouth opened and they all ran out . The last one was the wood tick . The giant 's teeth were closing on him , but Coyote managed to pull him through at the last moment . Long ago on the Sanpoil River that flows southward into the Columbia River , Old Man and old Woman lived with their tribe , the Sanpoils . They were so stooped that it appeared they were walking on their knees and their elbows . Their very pretty granddaughter lived with them . One day Coyote came along and saw the old couple with the beautiful girl . Immediately , he decided that he wanted the girl for his wife . But he knew better than to ask for her then . He thought he would wait until evening . So during the day he sat around , becoming better acquainted with the family . The old couple watched him , noting that his long hair was braided neatly and his forelocks were carefully combed back . They noticed too that he was tall and strong . Old Man and Old Woman talked between themselves about Coyote , wondering if he could be a Chief . On top of the hill , Coyote saw some grouse roosting in a tree . He threw some stones at them , killing five . He carried the grouse back to Old Man and said , " Let 's eat these for supper . " While Coyote was gone Old Man said to his wife , " What do you think of this fellow ? You saw what he did , bringing good food for our supper . If we let him marry our granddaughter , maybe they will stay here and we will have such good food always . Surely our girl will marry someone soon , perhaps some man not as good as this young fellow . " Soon Coyote returned . He decided to let Old Man open the conversation . Old Man held his pipe in one hand and said , " How I wish I had a smoke . My tobacco ran out some time ago . " After a while Old Man spoke , " My wife and I have talked over your proposal and she left the decision up to me . I have decided to let you marry our granddaughter and live here . If you go away , we want you to take her with you . How are we to know that you will do this ? " " You need not worry , " said Coyote . " I am tired of travelling . I want to settle down here for the rest of my life , if you wish . " Coyote went downstream to where Old Man had his fish trap . He changed it into a basket - type trap , piling rows of rocks to guide fish into the basket . When finished he called out , " Salmon , I want two of you in the basket trap tomorrow morning , one male and one female . " Then he returned to his bride . Old Man went downstream to see his fish trap . Sure enough , he saw two big fish in the trap . Old Man was so excited , he stumbled up the trail toward Coyote . When the two reached the trap , Coyote exclaimed , " You are so right . These are salmon , chief among all fish . Let us take them over to that flat place , and I will show you what to do with them . " " Now remember this , " he continued . " The first week go down to the trap and take out the salmon every day . But when fixing it , never use a knife to cut it in any way . Always roast the fish over the fire on sticks , the way I have shown you . Never boil salmon the first week . After the salmon is roasted , open it carefully and take out the backbone without breaking it . Also , save the back part of the head for the sacred bundle - never eat that . " I am telling you these sacred things about the salmon because I am going to die sometime . I want you and your tribe to know of the best way to care for and use your salmon . After this , your men will always place their fish traps up and down the river to catch salmon . The man having the first trap will be Chief of the Salmon , and the others should always do anything he tells them to do . For the next few days each time Old Man went down to his fish trap in the morning , he found twice as many salmon as on the day before . Coyote showed him how to dry fish to prepare them for winter use . Before long they had a large scaffold covered with drying fish . Soon thereafter , all the people came to see for themselves . Old Man and Old Woman invited them to feast on their roasted salmon . The old couple explained how their new grandson - in - law had shown them how to trap the salmon and dry them for winter food . One day in the very hot month of August , the season of picking pitayas , a desert tortoise was walking along under the branches of the large pitayas cactus . She was eating the red and juicy pitayas that had fallen to the ground . She was walking along with her mouth all red from the pitaya juice , just content and happy . They talked as they walked along . The coyote and the desert tortoise had been walking for sometime when the coyote desperate with hunger said , " When are we going to arrive at this ranch ? How far away is this ranch ? " " The ranch is not far , lets keep on walking and soon we will get there , " said the tortoise . But this was not the truth . There was no ranch and the tortoise knew that if the coyote was given a chance , he would eat her all up . So , they continued to walk . A long time ago , only the three Yellow Jacket sisters had fire . Even though other animals froze , the fire was kept from them . Wise Old Coyote , however , devises a plan to steal the fire , and enlists the other animals to help . Coyote diverts the yellow jackets , seizes a burning stick , and runs away . As the yellow jackets chase him , he hands it off to Eagle , who hands it to Mountain Lion . Several hand - offs later , Frog hides a hot coal in his mouth on a river bottom , and the yellow jackets give up . When Frog spits the coal out , Willow Tree swallows it , and Coyote shows the animals how to extract it : by rubbing two sticks together over dry moss . Now that the animals have fire , each night they gather in a circle while the elders tell stories . An meaningful tale which stresses the importance of the natural world and our need to live cooperatively with it . This is a story of Uncle Rabbit and the coyote . The rabbit came to a big rock , and there he deceived the coyote . He was leaning on the rock when the coyote came by . " Come here quickly , brother , the sky is falling down on top of us . Lean against the rock and hold it up while I go for a stick . We 'll prop it up with that , " said the rabbit to the coyote . " All right , " said the coyote and began holding it up with all his might . Since the coyote was so stupid , he did exactly what the rabbit told him to . The rabbit had said that he was going to get a stick , but he went and left the coyote holding up the rock . When the rabbit didn 't return the coyote shouted : " No matter , I 'm going to leave even though the sky may fall down on top of us , " said the coyote . But when he ran away he fell into a ravine . The rabbit never came back to the rock and the coyote was lost . Later the rabbit came to a pond and saw the reflection of the moon in there . As the rabbit was very tricky , he was always deceiving the coyote . The dumb coyote always followed him and didn 't know that the rabbit was deceiving him . The coyote came to the pond where the rabbit was . When he saw the coyote coming he began to drink the water from the pond . " There 's a cheese in the water , " the rabbit said to the coyote . " If we drink all the water we can get the cheese . Drink it , you 're big and you can finish all the water . " The coyote continued to drink the water , but the rabbit was gone . The coyote 's stomach began to hurt him , and he got the runs . He wasn 't able to finish the water , so the coyote abandoned the effort and left . Coyote was going along one day , feeling very hungry , when he met up with Skunk . " Hello , brother , " Coyote greeted him . " You look hungry and so am I . If I lead the way , will you join me in a trick to get something to eat ? " " A prairie dog village is just over that hill . You go over there and lie down and play dead . I 'll come along later and say to the prairie dogs , ' Come , let us have a dance over the body of our dead enemy . ' Skunk went on to the prairie dog village and pretended to be dead . After a while Coyote came along and saw several prairie dogs playing outside their holes . They were keeping a distance between themselves and Skunk . " Oh , look , " cried Coyote , " our enemy lies dead before us . Come , we will have a dance to celebrate . Let everyone come out and then stop up the burrow holes . " The foolish prairie dogs did as he told them . " Now , " said Coyote , " let us all stand in a big circle and dance with our eyes closed . If anyone opens his eyes to look , he will turn into something bad . " As soon as the prairie dogs began dancing with their eyes closed , Coyote killed one of them . " Well , now , " he called out , " let 's all open our eyes . " The prairie dogs did so , and were surprised to see one lying dead . " Oh , dear , " said Coyote , " look at this poor fellow . He opened his eyes and died . Now , all of you , close your eyes and dance again . Don 't look , or you too will die . " They began to dance once more , and one by one Coyote drew them out of the dance circle and killed them . At last , one of the prairie dogs became suspicious and opened his eyes . " Oh , Coyote is killing us ! " he cried , and all the survivors ran to unstop their holes and seek safety in the burrows . The cooking meat smelled so good that Coyote decided he wanted to eat the best of it himself . " Let 's run a race , " he said . " The one that wins will have his choice of the most delicious prairie dogs . " They decided to race around the bottom of the hill . " While I am tying this rock to my foot , " Coyote said , " you go ahead . I 'll give you a start and then catch you . " Skunk began to run and was soon out of sight around the hill . Coyote tied a rock to his foot and followed , slowly at first , but he soon kicked the rock loose and doubled his speed . Along the way , however , Skunk had found a brush pile , and he dashed in there and hid . As soon as he saw Coyote go racing past , Skunk turned back to the fire . He raked all the roasted prairie dogs out of the coals , except for two small bony ones that he did not want . Then he cut off the tails and stuck them back in the ashes , and carried the meat away to the brush pile . Meanwhile Coyote was still loping around the hill , confident that Skunk was running just ahead of him . As he hurried along , he said to himself , " I wonder where that fool Skunk is ? I did not know that he could run so fast . " He soon circled back to the cooking fire and saw the prairie dog tails sticking out of the ashes . He seized one and it slipped out . He tried another one . " Oh , but they are well cooked , " he said . He tried another one . Then he suspected that something was wrong . But Coyote heard of the meeting . It was to be at a great tipi . So on the night of the meeting , Coyote sat outside of the tipi in the trees watching the dogs from everywhere going to the meeting . Once all the dogs were in the tipi , Coyote crept closer , his steps covered by the playing of the drums inside . There Coyote sat , listening to the drums and the dogs talking . After a while coyote could not take it any longer . He had to do something . First he found the dogsï ¿½ tails , then he tossed them around until they were all mixed up . Then he ran around the tipi yelling , " Mad bear ! Mad bear ! " Dogs and bears did not get along , and dogs were very afraid of the bear . In a panic , the dogs ran from the tipi , tripping over each other . When they got outside , they could not find their tails , so they grabbed the first tail they could find , and ran off into the woods . Coyote and Raven were good friends . One day after Coyote had grown weary of hunting for food and finding none , he decided to go to the top of Blue Mountain to see his friend Raven . " Welcome , " Raven said . " But why do you look so weary and sad , my friend ? " Upon hearing this , Raven put an arrow to his bow and shot it straight up into the air , and then stood waiting for it to come down . It came down and pierced his upper wing . When Raven drew the arrow out , it had a large piece of buffalo meat fixed to the head . Raven gave the meat to Coyote , who smacked his mouth and ate heartily . Coyote took his new bow and shot an arrow straight up into the sky . He then stood waiting for it to come down . Raven watched him but said not a word . The arrow came down and struck Coyote 's thigh . He ran away screaming with pain , leaving his guest behind . Raven waited a while and then went home without any meat , but in very high spirits because Coyote 's attempt to imitate him amused him greatly . For days he chuckled to himself whenever he thought of it . After a time he grew hungry , and when he could find nothing to eat he decided to go up on Rich Mountain and visit Black Bear . " Welcome , old friend , " said Black Bear . " I will see if I can get some food to offer you . " As he spoke he leaned against a persimmon tree that was weighted down with ripe persimmons . His body jarred the tree so that the ripe fruit fell to the ground . Bear smiled and asked his friend to eat . Coyote ate persimmons until he was no longer hungry , and then he filled his pack with them . " Thank you , indeed , my friend , " said Coyote . " I must be going now , but I insist that you promise to visit me soon . " Next day Coyote wandered all about looking for a persimmon tree . He could not find one with any fruit on it , and so he cut down one without fruit . He carried it home where he set it up . Then he took the persimmons he had brought in his pack and tied them to the tree branches so that they looked as though they had grown there . Not long after that , Black Bear came by to make his promised visit . " I am glad to see you , " said Coyote . " Wait a moment and I will try to get you something to eat . " Coyote began bumping against the persimmon tree with his head . He butted harder and harder but the persimmons were tied on so well they would not fall off . Finally he shook the tree with his paws , although it embarrassed him to have to do this . He gave the tree a big shake and over it fell , crashing upon his head . He pretended that it did not hurt and went about gathering up the fruit for Bear , but he could hardly see for the pain . The knot on his head kept growing larger and larger . Bear ate , but he could scarcely swallow for laughing at the way Coyote had tried to imitate him . After a while he told Coyote that it was time for him to leave . He was afraid to stay longer for fear Coyote would see him laugh . After Bear left , Coyote sat down and held his sore head , but he felt happy because he had furnished food for his friend Black Bear . A few days later while Coyote was out in the forest looking for something to eat , he came upon a grass lodge that he had never seen before . Wondering who might live in the new lodge and if they might have some food to share with him , he went right up to the entrance and called out : " Hello in there . I 'm Coyote . " The Red - Headed Woodpecker smiled and replied in a calm voice : " I 've always worn this light on my head . It was given to me in the beginning . It will not burn anything . " Woodpecker then gave Coyote something to eat . Woodpecker entered and was surprised to see a bunch of burning straw on Coyote 's head . " Oh , take that off , " cried Woodpecker . " You will burn your head . " Coyote smiled and replied in a calm voice : " No , no , that will not burn my head . I always wear it . I was told in the beginning that I would wear a light on my head at nights so that I can do whatever I like while others are in darkness . " Coyote had no more than finished speaking when the hair on his head caught fire . He began to scream in pain and tried to put it out , but could not . He ran out of his lodge , howling all the way to the river . Woodpecker waited a long time for him to return , but Coyote stayed in the river all day trying to soothe his burned head . Coyote , a universal and mischievous spirit , lived near Mount Shasta in what is now California . Coyote 's village had little fish and no salmon . His neighbouring village of Shasta Indians always had more than they could use . Shasta Indians had built a dam that served as a trap for fish , especially the wonderful salmon . They ate it raw , baked it over hot coals , and dried large quantities for their winter food supply . Other tribes came to Shasta Village to trade for salmon , which created wealth and respect for the Shasta tribe . Coyote washed and brushed himself to look neat and clean , then started for Shasta Village with visions of fresh salmon swimming behind his eyes . He found the Shasteans at the dam hauling in big catches of salmon . They welcomed him and said that he could have all the fish he could catch and carry . He stretched himself full length upon the ground , lying on his stomach , with his pack still on his back . While Coyote slept , swarms and swarms of Yellow Jackets dived down and scooped up his salmon . What was left were bare salmon bones . Coyote waked very hungry . His first thought was how good a bite of salmon would taste at that moment . Still half - asleep , he turned his head and took a large bite . To his great surprise and anger , his mouth was full of fish bones ! His salmon meat was gone . Coyote jumped up and down in a rage shouting , " Who has stolen my salmon ? Who has stolen my salmon ? " " I was tired and decided to take a nap , " replied Coyote . " While I slept , someone slightly stole all of the good salmon meat that you gave me . I feel very foolish to ask , but may I catch more fish at your dam ? " Strangely , Coyote tired at about the same place as he had on the day before . Again he stopped to rest , but he decided that he would not sleep today . With his eyes wide open , he saw swarms of hornets approaching . Because he never imagined they were the culprits who stole his salmon , he did nothing . Furious with himself , Coyote raged at the Yellow Jackets . Helpless , he ran back to Shasta Village , relating to his friends what he had seen with his own eyes . They listened to his story and they felt sorry for Coyote , losing his second batch of salmon . Coyote departed carrying this third pack of salmon . The Shasteans followed and hid according to plan . While all were waiting , who should come along but Grandfather Turtle . " Why did you come here to bother us , " taunted Coyote . " We are waiting for the robber Yellow Jackets who stole two packs of salmon . We 'll scare them away this time with all my Shasta friends surrounding this place . Why don 't you go on your way ? " But Turtle was not bothered by Coyote ; he continued to sit there and rest himself . Coyote again mocked Grandfather Turtle and became so involved with him that he was completely unaware when the Yellow Jackets returned . In a flash , they stripped the salmon bones of the delicious meat and flew away ! Coyote and the Shasta Indians were stunned for a moment . But in the next instant , they took off in hot pursuit of the Yellow Jackets . They ran and ran as fast as they could , soon exhausting themselves and dropping out of the race . Not Grandfather Turtle , who plodded steadily along , seeming to know exactly how and where to trail them . Yellow Jackets , too , knew where they were going , as they flew in a straight line for the top of Mount Shasta . There they took the salmon into the centre of the mountain through a hole in the top . Turtle saw where they went , and waited patiently for Coyote and the other stragglers to catch up to him . Finally , they all reached the top , where turtle showed them the hole through which the Yellow Jackets had disappeared . Coyote directed all the good people to start a big fire on the top of Mount Shasta . They fanned the smoke into the top hole , thinking to smoke out the yellow jackets . But the culprits did not come out , because the smoke found other holes in the side of the mountain . Furiously , they worked at their task while Grandfather Turtle crawled up to the very top of Mount Shasta . Gradually , he lifted himself onto the top hole and sat down , covering it completely with his massive shell , like a Mother Turtle sits on her nest . He succeeded in completely closing the top hole , so that no more smoke escaped . What is that rumbling noise , everyone questioned ? Louder and louder the noise rumbled from deep within Mount Shasta . Closer and closer to the top came the rumble . Grandfather Turtle decided it was time for him to move from his hot seat . Coyote is just being coyote when he sees the Creator placing the stars in the sky from a bag in a very orderly manner . Coyote asks if he can help and the Creator lets coyote place stars in the sky reminding him to be sure and put the stars up in an orderly manner . Coyote does it correctly , but , as is his nature , coyote becomes impatient and throws the whole bag of stars into the sky distributing the stars helter skelter . The Creator scolds him for his carelessness and for the mess he made . Coyote leaves with his tail between his legs . Soon , however , Coyote goes back to being a coyote , only after that he howls at night when he sees the mess he made with the stars . After Coyote had killed the monster near the mouth of the Jocko River , he turned south and went up the Bitterroot Valley . Soon he saw two huge monsters , one at each end of a ridge . Coyote killed them , changed them into tall rocks , and said , " You will always be there . " Then he went on . Someone had told him about another monster , an Elk monster , up on a mountain to the east . Coyote said to his wife , Mole , " Dig a tunnel clear to the place where that monster is . Dig several holes in the tunnel . Then move our camp to the other side . " " I came across the prairie , " lied Coyote . " Don 't you see my trail ? You must be blind if you didn 't see me . " The dogs wanted to fight . Grizzly Bear jumped at Coyote 's dog . Pine Squirrel went under him and killed him with the flint he wore on his head . The flint ripped Grizzly Bear . Bones and flesh flew everywhere . He knew that what he saw was Mole moving their camp , but the monster could not see clearly in the tunnel . Elk monster picked up his shield , his spear , and his knife . " I 'm ready , " he said . After they had gone a short distance along the trail , the monster fell into the first hole . Coyote called loudly , as if he were calling to an enemy ahead of them . The monster climbed out of the hole , tried to run , but fell into one hole after another . At last Coyote said to him , " Let me carry your shield . Then you can run faster . " Coyote put the shield on his back , but the monster still had trouble . " Let me carry your spear , " Coyote said . Soon he got the monster 's knife , also - and all of his equipment . Then Coyote ran round and round , shouting , " This is how we charge the enemy . " And he jabbed the monster with the monster 's spear . " I have the enemy 's war bonnet ! " he yelled . He jabbed the monster four times , each time yelling that he had taken something from the enemy . The fifth time he jabbed the monster , he yelled , " I have stripped the enemy . " Then he said to the Elk monster , " You can never kill anyone again . " Coyote went on up the Bitterroot Valley . He heard a baby crying , up on a hill . Coyote went up to the baby , not knowing it was a monster . He put his finger in the baby 's mouth , to let it suck . The baby ate the flesh off Coyote 's finger , then his hand , and then his arm . The monster baby killed Coyote . Only his skeleton was left . After a while , Coyote 's good friend Fox came along . Fox stepped over the dead body , and Coyote came to life . He began to stretch as if he had been asleep . " I 've slept a long time , " he said to Fox . Coyote looked around , but the baby was gone . He put some flint on his finger and waited for the baby to come back . When he heard it crying , he called out , " Hello , baby ! You must be hungry . " After Coyote had left Sleeping Child , Fox joined him again and they traveled together . Soon Coyote grew tired of carrying his blanket , and so he laid it on a rock . After they had traveled farther , they saw a storm coming . They went back to the rock , Coyote picked up his blanket , and the two friends moved on . When the rain began to fall , he put the blanket over himself and Fox . While lying there , covered by the blanket , they looked out and saw the rock running toward them . Fox went uphill , but Coyote ran downhill . The rock followed close on Coyote 's trail . Coyote crossed the river , sure that he was safe . Spreading his clothes out on a rock , he thought he would rest while they dried . But the rock followed him across the river . When he saw it coming out of the water , Coyote began to run . He saw three women sitting nearby , with stone hammers in their hands . But the rock got away from the women . Coyote ran on to where a creek comes down from the mountains near Darby . There he took some vines - Indians call them " monkey ropes " - and placed them so that the rock would get tangled up in them . He set fire to the monkey ropes . The rock got tangled in the burning ropes and was killed by the heat . Then Coyote said to the rock , " The Indians will come through hereon their way to the buffalo country . They will play with you . They will find you slick and heavy , and they will lift you up . " Coyote left the dead rock and went on farther . Soon he saw a mountain sheep . The sheep insulted Coyote and made him angry . Coyote grabbed him and threw him against a pine tree . The body went clear through the tree , but the head stayed on it . The horns stuck out from the trunk of the tree . Coyote said to the tree , " When people go by , they will talk to you . They will say , ' I want to have good luck . So I will leave a gift here for you . ' They will leave gifts and you will make them lucky - in hunting or in war or in anything they wish to do . " In my childhood , the skull and face were still there . When I was a young girl , people told me to put some of my hair inside the sheep 's horn , so that I would live a long time . I did . That 's why I 'm nearly ninety years old . As the interpreter and I were leaving Painted - Hem - of - the - Skirt , she bent low and made a sweeping movement around her ankles and the hem of her long skirt . Then she said a few words and laughed heartily . The interpreter explained : " She says she hopes that she will not find a rattlesnake wrapped around her legs because she told some of the old stories in the summertime . " She had laughed often as she told the tales , but I feel sure that her mother would not have related them in the summertime . " It is good to tell stories in the wintertime , " the Indians of the Northwest used to say . " There are long nights in the wintertime . " One spring day Coyote and Fox were out for a walk , and when they came to a big smooth rock , Coyote threw his blanket over it and they sat down to rest . After a while the Sun became very hot , and Coyote decided he no longer needed the blanket . " Here , brother , " he said to the rock , " I give you my blanket because you are poor and have let me rest on you . Always keep it . " Then Coyote and Fox went on their way . They had not gone far when a heavy cloud covered the sky . Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled and rain began to fall . The only shelter they could find was in a coulee , and Coyote said to Fox , " Run back to that rock , and ask him to lend us the blanket I gave him . We can cover ourselves with it and keep dry . " Fox returned to Coyote and told him what the rock had said . " Well , " said Coyote , " that certainly is an ungrateful rock . I only wanted the use of the blanket for a little while until the rain stops . " He grew very angry and went back to the rock and snatched the blanket off . " I need this to keep me dry , " he said . " You don 't need a blanket . You have been out in the rain and snow all your life , and it won 't hurt you to live so always . " Coyote and Fox kept dry under the blanket until the rain stopped and the sun came out again . Then they left the coulee and resumed their walk toward the river . After a while they heard a loud noise behind them coming from the other side of the hill . " Fox , little brother , " said Coyote , " go back and see what is making that noise . " Fox went to the top of the hill , and then came hurrying back as fast as he could . " Run ! run ! " he shouted , " that big rock is coming . " Coyote looked back and saw the rock roll over the top of the hill and start rushing down upon them . Fox jumped into a badger hole , but the rock mashed the tip of his tail , and that is why Fox 's tail is white to this day . Meanwhile Coyote had raced down the hill and jumped into the river . He swam across to the other side where he was sure that he was safe because he knew that rocks sink in water . But when the rock splashed into the river it began swimming , and Coyote fled toward the nearest woods . As soon as he was deep in the timber , he lay down to rest , but he had scarcely stretched himself out when he heard trees crashing . Knowing that the rock was still pursuing him , Coyote jumped up and ran out on the open prairie . Some bears were crossing there , and Coyote called upon them for help . " We 'll save you , " the bears shouted , but the rock came rolling upon them and crushed the bears . About this time Coyote saw several bull buffalo . " Oh , my brothers , " he called to them , " help me , help me . Stop that rock . " The buffalo put their heads down and rushed upon the rock , but it broke their skulls and kept rolling . Then a nest of rattlesnakes came to help Coyote by forming themselves into a lariat , but when they tried to catch the rock , the rattlesnakes at the noose end were all cut to pieces . Coyote kept running along a pathway , but the rock was now very close to him , so close that it began to knock against his heels . Just as he was about to give up , he saw two witches standing on opposite sides of the path . They had stone hatchets in their hands . " We 'll save you , " they called out . He ran between them , with the rock following close behind . Coyote heard the witches strike the rock with their hatchets , and when he turned to look he saw it lying on the ground all shattered into tiny pieces . Then Coyote noticed that the path had led him into a large camp . When he sat down to catch his breath , he overheard one of the witches say to the other : " He looks nice and fat . We 'll have something good for dinner now . Let 's eat him right away . " " There is plenty of water here , " one of the witches replied . " You may have a drink from one of these pails . " But when she looked in the pails she found that every one was empty . He took the pails and started off , but as soon as he was out of sight he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him . Afterwards he heard that when the old witches discovered that he had tricked them , they began blaming each other for letting him escape . They quarrelled and quarrelled , and fought and fought , Until finally they killed each other . Near Spokane one day , Coyote and Fox were travelling together on their way north . When they reached a river , Coyote said to Fox , " I believe I 'll get married . I 'd like to take one of those Pend d ' Oreille women for my wife . " " Soon the Chief will be sorry for his refusal . I 'll make a big waterfall here in his big river . Forevermore , salmon will not be able to get over the falls to feed the Pend d ' Oreilles . " From there , Coyote walked north to Ravalli . Soon he met an Old Indian Woman camped close by . Old Woman said to Coyote , " Where are you going ? " " I 'll put an end to the Giant with a hard blow from this tree . That 's the way I 'll kill him , " Coyote said to himself . So he pulled the tamarack tree from the ground and swung it onto his shoulder and continued his search for the Giant . " All of you people prepare to run for your lives . I am going to cut out the Giant 's heart . When I start cutting , you must all run to O ' Keef 's Canyon or to Ravalli , " called out Coyote . With his stone knife , Coyote cut out the Giant 's heart . The Giant called out , " Please , Coyote , let me alone . Go away from here . Get Out ! " Then he cut out the Giant 's heart . As he was dying , the Giant 's jaws began to close tightly . Woodtick was the last one to escape from the Giant 's belly when Giant 's jaws closed . But Coyote caught hold of him and with all his strength pulled Woodtick out of the Giant 's mouth . From there the traveller continued on to what is today Missoula , Montana . Coyote walked along between Lolo and Fort Missoula when he thought he heard someone call his name . But he could not see anyone . He trotted forward again , and heard his name called again . He stopped and when he looked into the woods , he saw two women sitting down beside a river . Coyote swam across the river , and went up the embankment to the women . They were very good - looking women , thought Coyote , maybe he could marry one of them . He sat down between them , but they stood up and danced down to the river . " Wait for me , " called Coyote . " I 'll go swimming with you . " He took off his jacket beaded with shells , denoting that he was a great Chief . Coyote climbed partway up the hill and set the grass on fire . Later it was discovered that the women could not escape , and died in the fire . Today some shells have a black side , because they had been burned at the same time . Glenn Welker is an author , researcher , and Website editor in the field of indigenous American studies . This noted and incredibly talented professor and webmaster offers his endless list of bookmarked links . You can click on anything here from American / Canadian and Latin American Indian languages , history and cultures to an abundance of information about computing information , the internet , and web development . Indigenous Peoples Literature Websites promote indigenous artwork , literature , and culture . Glenn Welker has also enjoyed a thirty year love of Music , particularly ethnomusicology , the music of many cultures . View all posts by ghwelker3 Text Widget This is a text widget . The Text Widget allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use a text widget to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . |
When people ask me about how I got to where I am today , and how I 've done so well in life , I always look back to my seventeenth birthday , and put my finger on the day my life changed . My name is Don Powers . I have a twin brother Dan . We were born by the same mother on the same day , but if I didn 't know better , I 'd think that we had different fathers . We 're total opposites in our personalities . We are both ambidextrous , but I write left - handed , and he writes right - handed , we both throw a baseball right - handed , but he bats lefty , and we 're both tall , but I have blonde hair and blue eyes while he has brown hair and brown eyes . Dan studies like crazy , and gets straight A 's . I copy his homework at the breakfast table , and receive B 's . We get along fine , and have common friends in the neighborhood , but he wants to become a doctor , and I want to spend my life as a surfer . Dan was born with straight teeth , but needed glasses . Due to a skateboard accident , and my genes , I was the one who got braces , but didn 't need glasses . I 'd worn the braces for almost two years , and the orthodontist said that he would take them off on my seventeenth birthday . Dad took the morning off , and took us both to breakfast . After dropping Dan at school , we hung out for a while before taking me to the office to have them remove my braces . When we finished at the orthodontist , Dad told me that since it was almost 1 : 30 that I could take the rest of the day off . He dropped me at the country club to play golf , and he went into his office . It was a Thursday , and at that time of the day , it was slow at the country club . I went in , got my clubs from club storage , and went to the pro - shop for a start time . They told me that another member also wanted to play , so we 'd play as a twosome in about fifteen minutes . I met my playing partner on the first tee . His name was Stick . I don 't think that was his real name , but that was how he introduced himself . I introduced myself , and we shook hands . Looking at him , he looked in his early thirties , and was tan and relaxed as if he played golf every day . He said , " I 'm done with my work for this week . I 'm in sales , and they pay me based on what I sell . I work hard for a couple of months a year , and then just take care of loose ends and processing orders the rest of the year . " " Sounds like a good job . " I said , as I stepped up to the tee , and hit my smokin ' driver two hundred and eighty yards to the center of the fairway . It was a perfect distance to turn the corner in the long , par five , dogleg left , first hole . We rode the cart to our second shots and both hit long irons to the green . He got a good bounce and it released to within fifteen feet of the cup . My shot grabbed the edge of the green , and stopped . I had a short chip remaining to land on the green . I hit a nice chip , and it rolled past the cup for a short tap in for birdie . Stick also missed his putt by a couple of inches , and tied the hole . We were close in our games , and although he beat me by five strokes , I 'd have lost by a hundred , and been happy with everything else I obtained out of that day . As we played , I learned that Stick was a dress salesman . During the year , he worked a couple of shows , and sold to large and small chain stores . They bought dresses and his clothes in huge orders . The rest of the year , he made a few phone calls , and took care of any problems that arose . He also started to teach me about selling . Over eighteen holes , I learned what it took to become a great salesman . I learned that if you 're only competing on price then you 're setting yourself up to fail . Either you won 't make money or someone else will be cheaper . He talked about different materials , stitches , styles , exclusivity , and service to set his company apart from the competition . Price was the last thing that came up , and then it was just to make sure that the deal was profitable for both parties . Stick worked on a straight commission basis , so his boss never asked about his hours , just his sales . He also explained that since they updated or replaced clothing annually , he always had a new sale to the same customer just around the corner . If he sold houses cars , the sales process would be somewhat longer . I was amazed at what he was telling me , and soaked it up like a sponge . He told me to sell the benefits not the features , and to focus on the needs and solutions for the customer . You can sell the great look of a log home to a customer , but if they 're looking for low maintenance , then you aren 't addressing their needs . Stick was nice enough to drop me off at the end of my street on the way home , and I thanked him for a great lesson in sales . I stepped out of his Mercedes , and walked home . It was around 4 : 40 , and the girl who lives three houses down from me with her mom , was out pulling weeds in the flowerbed around the mailbox . I bent over , and helped her . In ten minutes , we were done , and she went in to find a trash bag for the small pile of weeds we 'd made . I carried it to the can on the side of the house , after which she invited me in to wash my hands , and have a soda . I always feel good to watch the water turn brown with dirt . It makes me feel like I did something . I came out , and Courtney handed me a Coke . The air conditioning felt good . She smiled at me , and then said , " You got your braces off . " She blushed a bit . Courtney was only fourteen and a freshman at the same high school where I was a junior . We had been friends and neighbors for the last eight years . On the block , there was always kickball and other games going on when I was growing up . All the kids played some were older , some younger . She was a cute girl , and she was just starting to blossom into a young woman . She was skinny and blonde , and at about five foot tall , she wasn 't short or tall for her age . " You 've always called me Cutie , and it always makes me feel good when you do . I 've never had a boyfriend , and haven 't had a date except for school dances . I 'd be happy to kiss you , and wouldn 't expect to become your girlfriend or anything . " " Really ? That would be cool . Emily was coming over to spend the night tomorrow . Will you still come over or do you want me to tell her not to come ? " " Courtney , I wouldn 't want to ruin your weekend , and start to make demands on you . If you both wear your bikinis , I 'll come over , and swim for a bit . If you both want to practice kissing some then I 'll see if I can help out . " I took her in my arms , and we kissed . I hadn 't had a girlfriend since I 'd gotten braces , and before that , I was fourteen so you could really consider my experience limited . Although the kiss started out friendly , we didn 't break apart anytime soon . Our lips came apart , but we started a second , and then a third kiss before either of us tried to stop the other . It felt great . When we started to lose control , she pulled back , and smiled . I smiled back , and said , " That was great . I look forward to the lessons . " Dan was home , and his girlfriend Christy Malone was with him . They were doing homework . Dan and Christy had been dating for a little over a year , and I think they 'd gone , as far as I had with Courtney , but they were both happy , so I was happy for them . Dan looked up when he heard me enter , and asked where I 'd been . When I left them , I went in to take a shower . Afterwards , I sat on my bed , and read some of The Mosquito Coast , by Paul Theroux . I was taking my time getting through it , but I was almost done . I heard the garage door motor , so I went in to see my mom . Dad ( Roger ) is an engineer at Martin Marietta , and Mom ( Carole ) is an Emergency Room doctor . She loves the variety , and not having to run an office . Her schedule fluctuates , but she has enough seniority that she only works a few nights , and one weekend a month . She likes the 12 - hour shifts , and working three of four days a week . I was happy to see that she had brought home pizza from our favorite pizza place . Dad was home shortly after Mom , and we dug into the pizza while it was still hot . Christy stayed , and ate with us as she often did . It was weird that way . Kids had no problem eating or sleeping at someone else house after a quick phone call to let the parents in on the plan . Christy didn 't spend the night , but she and Dan ate together three or four nights a week at our house or hers . As always , the pizza was good . For birthday presents , I received a book called TWICE SHY , by Dick Francis . Dan received a copy of AT DAWN WE SLEPT , by Gordon W . Prange about the attack on Pearl Harbor . We both got some new clothes , and then they gave us each an envelope . It contained a check for $ 5 , 000 . We looked at dad , and he said , " We think that you 're both responsible enough to have a car . This is money towards that car . We 'll pay for your insurance , but you 'll pay for your own gas . You can buy something cheap and pocket the rest . You can use your own money to buy something more expensive . It 's up to you how you want to handle it . We 'll help you if you want help . " I thanked both Mom and Dad , and gave them each hugs . Dan followed behind me , and did the same thing . I knew what I wanted to buy . I had a copy of the latest auto trader up in my room and knew that I wanted a Datsun 4x4 with a topper on the back , so I could lock up my surfboard . Dan would probably buy something cheap , and pocket the difference . Mom and Dad had set aside money for our college , but not Dan 's medical school . He 'd be living off student loans for that part of his life . To celebrate our birthday further , we had some cake and ice cream . It was May 10th 1982 . Dan , Christy , and I 'd be finishing our 11th grade year in a couple of weeks . We had moved to Orlando eight years earlier . I went up to my room , returned with a copy of the Auto Trader , and while going through the paper , I showed Mom and Dad what I wanted . We found a couple of trucks in the $ 3500 to $ 4500 range that would meet my needs . I didn 't need those big off - road tires , but wanted to make sure that when I drove off - road at the beach that I didn 't end up stuck in the sand at the beach . I surfed with a couple of kids who lived around the neighborhood , and whom I knew from school . Most of them had cars , but it would be nice to have a ride of my own . Dad said that he 'd take me to look at a couple of the trucks on Saturday . While Dan borrowed Mom 's car to take Christy home , I went back in , and read my book before rolling over to try to fall asleep . I only hit snooze three times in the morning before dragging myself to the shower . When I went outside , I found my friend Steve had stopped by to give me a ride to school . As we were driving to school , I told him that I was going to skip surfing on Saturday to go look at trucks with my dad . As we entered the school parking lot , he wished me luck , before we went our separate ways . As I sat in my classes , I focused on learning . Normally , I didn 't take notes ; I never did . But , what I did was I listened to what the teacher was saying . If they cared enough to talk about it , they cared enough to put it on a test . Baseball season was over , and that was the only sport that either Dan or I played . He was a pitcher , and could fill in the infield if needed . I played left or center field , and was a better hitter than Dan . After school , Steve dropped me at the house , and I gave him a couple of bucks for gas . He appreciated it , and again he wished me luck on the truck search . When I reached my room , I changed into my bathing suit , before walking down to Courtney 's house . Courtney and Mrs . Hall lived three houses down from us . Dr . Hall lived with them when I moved in , but they divorced five years ago . Mrs . Hall is a nurse at the hospital , and met Dr . Hall while working there . After the divorce , she stayed as the head nurse in the OB / GYN section of the hospital . It 's a different hospital from where Mom works . Dr . Hall also moved to a different hospital , and is now living about thirty minutes south of where we currently live . When I knocked on the door , I found that Courtney and Emily were both there , both were wearing bikinis , and both were blushing when I came in and looked them up and down . I tried not to act nervous , but I was quite inexperienced myself . After I said hello , I walked out back , and dove into the pool , so they 'd stop staring at my hard - on tenting in my shorts . The girls came out back , and got in the pool as well . We entered into some small talk , and as it progressed , we got closer to each other . We were finally standing in water that was about chest deep on my six - foot frame , when I held out my hand . Courtney took it , and I pulled her to me for a kiss . She didn 't resist . I 'm not sure if she was desperate , nervous , or trying to show off , but she started where we 'd left off the day before and it quickly moved into a passionate French kiss . I was holding her ass , and feeling her body , as she rubbed her small puffy chest against mine . We continued for a few minutes . I looked over to see her friend , Emily Palmer , with her hand between her legs , as she watched us . Courtney was moving her crotch against me . I 'd call it dry humping , but we were in a pool , and our bodies were mostly under water . I continued to hold her with my right hand , but used my left to reach up and caress her through her bikini top . That woke her up , and she pulled her mouth away from mine . She wasn 't upset , but by her facial expression , she certainly wasn 't expecting that . When she came to her wits she looked over to see her friend , and she softly asked , " Do you want a turn ? " Emily looked scared , but her head nodded yes , as she slowly moved towards us . Courtney backed away , and Emily stepped into her place . Emily had black hair and a few more curves than Courtney had , and was a pretty girl as well . I started slower with Emily , but she wanted to catch up with her friend . It didn 't take long before she had her legs around me , and we were French kissing . Next , I went for a feel of her tits , but she just kept on moaning into my mouth , and she kept going . I thought that she was going to fall off , but instead , she had a small orgasm , and then froze as if someone had just caught her with her hand in the cookie jar . Courtney came over as her friend settled back to her feet . Courtney went to her , and gave her a hug . I heard her whisper , " Did you enjoy that ? It looked like you did . " Courtney kissed her before breaking the hug , and coming back in for another kiss . Again , we started slow , but soon Courtney was working to feel some of what her friend had felt . She was rubbing against me , but couldn 't find the right angle with the right pressure . She was getting frustrated . I reached down , used my hand to move her bathing suit to the side , and used my fingers on her lightly furry snatch . She put both arms around my neck , and moaned into my ear , as she climbed closer to her peak . She finally had her orgasm , and didn 't hold back , as she pressed herself against my hand , and her body froze except for small twitches of her hips , as her pussy spammed on my fingers . I held her until I felt her arms relax around my neck . I let her slide down so her feet were on the bottom of the pool . She kissed my chest , and hugged me . I just held her against me . She eventually looked up , and said , " Thanks Don ; that was a good first lesson . " Her smile was that of a Cheshire cat . I told them that I needed a break to use the bathroom , and as I went in the bathroom door off the pool area , they could both see my cock stretching my shorts . I dropped my trunks , and grabbed my cock . It was a short time later that I got my release . I dropped the toilet paper in the bowl , and waiting for my cock to soften enough to take a leak . By the time , I returned to the pool , I had put myself back together , and found the girls were on lounge chairs , and taking quietly . It seems that while I was gone , Courtney had gone to find some drinks , because I saw a Coke on the small table between her , and the next chair . I sat down , and thanked her for the drink . She said , " Don that was wonderful for both Emily and me . Do you need us to do something for you ? " I thought back to the day before on selling , and said , " There are lots of benefits to what we 're doing . By us getting together , you can learn what feels good , and what doesn 't . You can become experienced , and know how to give and receive pleasure . You never have to worry about me telling anyone about what we do together , so your reputation will be as pure as you want . I can also see that you girls , like most guys , find themselves carried away . With some practice you can learn to plan ahead , so you can stop or protect yourself before going too far . " I looked at Courtney , " Did I go too far with you ? We didn 't talk about that beforehand . I 'm sorry if I stepped over the line . " " No , I wanted that . I needed that . It felt so good . You made many good points . I 'd rather be safe and do things here than have things go too far or have someone try to rape me on a date . If we set limits beforehand , and there are three of us here then we should end up OK . I 'm not ready for sex yet , but my mom put me on the pill almost a year ago . " I finished my soda and then gave each girl a kiss goodbye . After , I walked back to my house , and showered before the Parents came home . I called the owners of the trucks that I had some interest in , got directions , and times to meet them . There were three of them , red , black , and brown . As I was calling them , Dan and Christy came in . When I 'd finished , Dan asked what my plans were for the summer . I hadn 't thought about it , but said , " I should probably find a job to make some gas money . " She didn 't wait , but went , and gave him a call . She came back , and said , " Daddy said that you should stop by on Sunday afternoon if you can . If not , he can meet you some day after school . " The next morning Dad and I went to see the trucks . After looking them all over , I recognized that they were all in good shape , but I liked the black one best , because it looked like it was in the best shape . The only downside for that truck was it had the highest asking price . At the end of each visit , I told them that I 'd call them back . When I returned home , I called the guy with the black truck first . After some small talk , and letting him know who I was , I said , " I ended up looking at three trucks today that were all in good shape with about the same mileage on them . I liked your black one best , but you 're asking almost a $ 1000 more than the other two . You can see them both in the latest Auto Trader . Is your price firm or are you willing to negotiate some , so you can sell it today ? " My dad and I had talked before I made the call , about what to say , and how to ' talk the talk ' . " I can 't go that high . The others are around $ 3500 , and I still need to register the truck , and buy a topper for the back . If I spent all the money on the truck then I couldn 't afford the other things , and wouldn 't be able to drive it anywhere . Could you come down to $ 3800 ? It is more than I want to spend , but I do like the black . " I told him that my dad would drive me over . When we finished all the paperwork , I had a truck to drive . I thanked Dad for his help , and he told me that I had done well with the negotiations , and had gotten a good deal . Mom liked the truck , so I gave her a ride . When we returned from the drive , I saw that Dan had my Auto Trader , and he was looking at $ 1000 Corollas . Sunday afternoon , I called over to Christy 's , and then drove over to see her dad . Jim Malone owned Airflow Technologies . They made air filters for air conditioning units . They specialized in commercial filters , but also had residential filters . " I pay my salesmen almost $ 10 an hour . I can 't afford that for you as summer worker . By the time you sold some products it would be time to go back to school . " " It is the best product in the world to sell . It has no moving parts to break . The dirtier and nastier it gets the better the job it 's doing . Under normal circumstances , people should replace them twelve times a year . People that care about protecting their large investment in a HVAC system think that it is a cheap way to prolong the life of the unit . " " Straight commission can end up being tough . I pay my guys salary plus commission . Ten percent commission the first year , and five percent after the first year . " He looked at me , and said , " I don 't know if you 'll sell any filters , but you just sold me . I 'll write up an agreement as a 1099 contractor to sell our products . I 'll pay you twenty percent on the first three months of orders , and then ten percent , as long as they 're an account . They can call in orders to us , and you 'll receive your pay , but if there are any problems with the customer , you 'll be the one to fix them . How does that sound ? " |
We got on the bus and headed to the heart of Beverly Hills . We headed down Bedford Dr . to the basement of a small office building . " Sensory Anticipation Center . " the sign on the door said . We entered the office and other me asked for two tanks . The beautiful blond receptionist told us she had one appointment at 2 : 00 and another at 2 : 30 p . m . We reserved them and then we sat down in a dark waiting room that was surrounded by glow in the dark fish tanks . " Well about ten years ago they perfected the tanks and more people started using them . Well , pot use and floating go hand in hand and at first the pot growers association was thrilled at all the business they were getting . Float tank places sold brownies , even . After a while though , people began having epiphanies , they started becoming less materialistic . This scared advertisers and so they came up with these new tanks , you 'll love it trust me . The receptionist called my name and led me down a hall to a small room with what looked like a standard issue sensory deprivation tank . I showered and got in . for a moment everything was silent and dark . Suddenly , there were stars everywhere and I began to have the sensation of floating forward though space . A tall handsome man was hovering over me . I felt myself being pulled upwards towards him and following him at an astounding rate of speed as the stars spun around us . Waltz music began to play and we were dancing together in an opulent ballroom surrounded by beautiful revelers . I was no longer naked , but wearing a ball gown . He took me by the hand and pulled me out of the room and we ran down the street to a parked sports car . We got into the car and drove fast as beautiful scenery dashed passed us . The car stopped and he started floating through the stars again . Suddenly , the sky turned pink and colorful cakes and candies began to float by . They looked close enough to eat and I tried , but they pulled away . The images turned to 3 - D images of bottles of high end alcohol . The bottles spun very slowly . The stars returned and spun at an astounding rate until I felt dizzy . The darkness returned and again I floated there for a moment . I felt anxious I wanted the images back . Soft music played and the lights came up . I climbed out of the tank , showered and headed towards the decompression room . Several people sat drinking tea and thumbing through magazines , but other me wasn 't one of them . I noticed a small local paper on the coffee table . I sat down and looked at the story . Three Buildings in North Hollywood to be demolished today , the headline read . " 122 , 126 and 128 Van Nuys Blvd will be demolished with dynamite at 6 : 00 p . m . today . The city of north Hollywood elected to demolish the eyesores which have been abandon and uninhabitable for the last five years , " the article read . I went outside and looked for a taxi , but I didn 't see one . I jumped on the bus and headed back to NOHO . I wondered how I was ever going to make it up the stairs past a demolition crew ; either one of me . When I got there , there were cops and people everywhere . There were a couple of street vendors selling hot dogs and popcorn and souvenir construction hats . Two cops stood talking to a construction worker who appeared to be giving a statement . He looked up at me and pointed . They all walked over to me . " That 's definitely her . " I heard one of them say . I turned to run , but they grabbed me . They took me to their car . " I was on the bus an hour ago and I can prove it , " I said . I showed him my bus transfer . He wrote out a report and let me go . I got up at six and took another shower with the lilac soap . I started to cry not wanting to leave and go back to the tiny room in the shared apartment . I considered staying , but I remembered what Tom had said . I ran to the train station and jumped on the red line . I made a run for the new apartment . I raced up the stairs and knocked on the door and hid in the stairwell , but no one came to the door . I tried my key , but it wouldn 't work . I went back to the stairwell and sat there until I heard someone coming . I hid around a corner and saw the woman I 'd seen coming out of the shower yesterday . She was coming upstairs with a small dog . She went into the apartment for a second and came out carrying a bag of garbage and made her way down the stairs again . I ran for the door and was thrilled to find it was unlocked . I ran into the closet as the dog barked . I pushed aside the large box blocking the door to the room . I pulled on the nob but it was locked , I panicked as I heard the door to the apartment open and footsteps coming to the door . I tried my apartment key in the door and it worked . I closed the door and locked it . I set the dials and pushed the start button . The room shook for a moment and then stopped . We went to Google and before I typed anything in I told him some of my story ; that I had been a semi successful psychic to the somewhat well - known going by the name of Bethany Gayle which was a combination of my middle name and my mother 's maiden name . I told him that I had bought a used car and that it was a lemon that was a lemon that was always breaking down . I told him I 'd taken the car in to have the transmission worked on . I told him that was where I met Steve , the man who was to eventually ruin my life . We went to my old company web page and found that it was still there . I breathed a sigh of relief . something must have changed , because before my trip back in time for non - payment . I went to the old company Facebook page and found it still intact . The Twitter page was still there as well . " I guess so he said . He went into the kitchen to get something to drink . I attempted to go to my old secret blog , but it had been taken down . Most of them were just work orders , people asking for party bookings . From what I would tell I was still doing about three parties a week . We noticed there were about three E mails from a Katrina Faller that I had never responded to they were all just party requests . I arrived at the posh apartment building at 8 : 30 PM . I was greeted by Mr . Peterman who led upstairs to the penthouse . I began setting up my table . My hands shook a little as I pulled out my old purple velvet table cloth . My eyes welled up a bit , I didn 't realized how much I 'd missed this . It seemed so silly , I mean it was all a bunch of lies anyway , but as I set out my candles and my tip jar I realized what I missed the most was the respect I got when I did a reading . I 'd never gotten much respect back in the Midwest , they 'd taken one look at my pale skin and noticed the tremors in my hands and thought that I was someone to kick . It was the same way in Los Angeles at first , in fact it was worse for the first year , and then I 'd started doing readings . After I started getting well know , a rumor had started that my skin was so pale because of the light inside me and my hands shook when the spirits were speaking to me . Although I always sniggered at the delusional minds of Angelinos , I secretly understood . I had always found reality to be horribly depressing . I wished that I could believe in magic , but I just couldn 't . The people who came up to my table always went away happy , knowing that something good was coming their way , that whatever happened , happened for a reason and that the universe was fundamentally a just place . I knew what a bunch of hogwash I was selling . I knew that everything happened for a reason and that reason was that people were greedy shits . I knew how dangerous it was to think that everything that happened , just couldn 't be helped . I knew how lazy and complacent that way of thinking could make people . At the same time I wanted the money and I liked the power . Every time I thought of quitting I remembered what it was like to be poor . Every time I felt guilty about lying , I remembered how people treated me when I was honest . There was the guest of honor , a short man who reminded me a little of Dustin Hoffman . He wanted to know if he should start his own business . I had Googled him and I knew that he was a manger of music for a big company . I had remembered that five years ago I told him he should wait another five years before starting his own company and if he did wonderful things would happen . I wanted to give him something to look forward to . This time I told him that he should start the company in one year . A lady with auburn hair came up to the table and sat down . I greeted her as if we were old friends . I remembered that she had started off by asking if she should buy a beach house and then confessed that she thought her husband was having an affair . I told her that no matter what the universe would provide for her . I also told her to get the beach house and put it in her name . A year later she 'd found a receipt for the Beverly Hilton in her husband 's wallet for December 2nd when he said he had to work late . She confronted him and he left her and she was living in that beach house . This time I was more specific . She turned white when I said it . She grabbed a drink off a passing tray and began to cry . I told her that amazing things were going to happen to her as a result of this tragedy . I headed home in the cab with $ 600 in my purse . The next day I sat in my old apartment all day . As far as I knew all I had to do was simply not buy the car . While I waited I watched TV and surfed the net remember all the various celebrity scandals that had happened five years ago . I checked e mail and was glad to see that I didn 't have anything that need attention that day . I hesitantly went to my old blog . There it was , Confessions of a Fake Psychic . The only picture was that of a pink hat that I found at the bus stop the first night I did readings . I kept my identity and the identity of my clients well hidden , it was the only place I could really say what I thought and it was my way of reminding myself who I really was . I read a couple of the entries . I hadn 't even written THAT entry yet . I looked at the blog hits , it was pretty ironic how I hadn 't even gotten twenty hits a day . I thought about erasing everything , but I thought better of it . If I didn 't buy the car it wouldn 't break down . If the car didn 't break down there would have no reason to go to a mechanic , if I hadn 't gone to the mechanics , I wouldn 't have met Steve . I lay in bed that night waiting for the 6 : 00 AM alarm to go off . I wondered how I checked to make sure I had the key to my future apartment at least 30 times . I hoped the key would work , I tried to make a plan if it didn 't . " So , we 've got this kid whose been working in our department . Some hipster from Dumbfuck , Goddamn Idaho . You know the type ; He was the smartest kid in his high school class of twelve people . He thinks his an intellectual because he 's heard of Gertrude Stein even though he 's never read her , which to be fair is more than the other Dumbfuckians know . He started out as an intern and he banged Agnes so she went and hired him . " " He messed up the Hacha Spice account , by fucking posting the fact that our " fan videos were paid for . Spacha Sauce got hold of It and it was all over Twitter . Agnes feels he should be given another chance , I say , bullshit fire him . " " I think it 's not fair at all , I mean he really fucked up . Kids today feel like they have to put their whole lives on the internet . I don 't get it , are they trying to get their identities stolen ? Do they want to be blackmailed ? " " Anyway , that 's where you come in . Ya see I have a little favor to ask . You better drink up , it 's a dozy . " " Look , he should never have gotten his job in the first place . He gave Agnes some nauseating smelly artist bullshit about how he wanted to learn from an older woman ; when really he was just a horny kid who 'd fuck a dirty sock . He never demonstrated any talent for the job and we almost lost our shirts because of him . He went on Facebook and looked the kid up and found him quite easily . There were several pictures of the young man enjoying himself at various event . Going back in the kid 's history he noticed there were several pictures of him with an attractive young lady with dyed red hair and a nose ring and then there were not . Kleinman chuckled at the fact that He 'd listed a litany of famous novels as his favorite . He began to create a new profile a woman named Lolita , with pink streaked hair and a love of old movies . He found a picture in one of his own more attractive Facebook friend 's archived photo albums . He created the profile , sent a friends request and waited for the games to begin . Belinda lay in bed staring at the ceiling . That morning marked her third straight month of unemployment . She was reviewing all the interviews she had in her head and wondering what she did wrong . Her benefits would run out soon and they weren 't really enough to live off of . She realized she should probably plan on going to sell plasma that afternoon . She heard her phone buzz and she fished it out from under the bed and looked at the text . " I might not make it tonight … may have to work , Bill " the message said . For a moment she was confused ; she didn 't know a Bill , it was obviously a wrong number . She chuckled a bit she wondered what the circumstances were . He was Identifying himself , so whoever he was texting was obviously new in his life or he would be programmed into the phone he was attempting to text . She wondered if it was a date , or maybe a special professional meeting . She realized that she should text him and tell him he had the wrong number . She decided she 'd do it as soon as she officially got up . She fell back to sleep for a bit . Then she got out of bed made coffee and took a shower . While she was showering she imagined what Bill must look like . She envisioned someone not very handsome , but very well groomed . Possibly the sort to wear designer clothes , go to the gym daily and get $ 100 haircuts on his balding head . She was sipping the coffee and looking at Indeed . com when she heard her phone buzz again . She went back to applying for jobs and surfing the net . She walked to Walgreen 's and bought some Dryel sheet which she used to clean her best interview dress . She put it on and drove to Zorba 's where she arrived at 7 : 50 . The bar was sort of dead that night two old men sat at the bar not speaking to each other . There was a married couple having dinner and talking about their lawn behind her and there were two women at a booth chatting quietly . One of them , a pretty , thin brunette was devouring an enormous piece of cake and appeared to be quite drunk . Her plump blonde friend appeared to be comforting her . Belinda attempted to eavesdrop on their conversation . With this a tall thin man with brown , thinning hair walked into the bar . He was wearing a nice suit and seemed to be in a big rush . He glanced around the bar looking right past her as he went . He walked over to the two woman . " You know what , Bethany exclaimed . I really don 't want to hear it . I 'm really sick of cyber dates that I never hear from again . And every single plan being tentative , and saying lets hang out instead of do you want to go out with me ? I 'm sick of saying ' it 's no big deal ' when it is a big deal . I sick of sleeping with people and acting like I wasn 't expecting anything . I 'm sick of it ! How dare you be two hours late , you dumb schmuck ! What 's with the suit ? You want everyone to think you have money ? Learn how to spell if you want to impress people . I 've never texted with anyone who made so many mistakes . Bethany got up and through some money on the table . The two woman stormed out . Everyone stared at Bill . He checked his phone and pushed a button . Suddenly a National Anthem ringtone went off . Belinda instinctively turned to reach into her purse , but then realized she couldn 't answer it . Bill hung up and dialed again , this time when the Anthem played he looked around the bar , his eyes landing on Bethany . Melody took a deep breath and pushed the elevator button . Her heart raced as the elevator rose to the tenth floor . She 'd made sure to take a picture of the hotel and post it on her Facebook page with no comment , she wanted to let people know where she was without telling them , just in case anything went wrong . She was fairly new to Craigslist . She 'd looked for jobs there before , but she 'd never looked at the personal ads . It had been almost a year since her horrific break up with Sam and she still could not stomach the idea of having an actual boyfriend again . For several weeks all she could think about was sex or her lack of it . She spent her evening reading Erica Jong and Anais Nin and trolling the internet for subtle but thought provoking videos . She 'd started reading Craigslist casual encounters the week before . At first she 'd just looked at them never intending to do anything . At night he would fantasize about doing everything in the ads . She imagined the men as being ruggedly handsome , not wanting to think about what the men looked like in real life . She realized that it was just a fantasy and she was sure a murder , rape or mugging awaited anyone who would answer such a thing . Then on Saturday she saw an ad that she couldn 't get out of her head . " Let 's just make out I 'm in town for a week , come to my hotel room ! I 'm staying at the Plaza . " Something about the ad sounded safe and sincere . They had exchange e mails . He had sent her a picture of himself , but it was very shadowy and distant and in it he was wearing a " No Fear " T - shirt . She 'd asked how recent it was and he admitted it was ten years old . He told her he was forty and she 'd confessed to being thirty five . They arranged to meet the next afternoon at one . She 'd told him she was too paranoid but described herself , a petite brunette , considered fairly attractive . " No , the picture wasn 't very clear and it was old . I work in a different part of the building and I only see you like one a month . I thought you said you were from out of town ? " She got up to leave and he walked her to the door . On impulse , she grab him and kissed him . He resisted and first and then pulled her towards the bed . Suddenly his cell phone went off . " Uh , huh … . . Okay … okay . Did we ever get the witness statement ? Well , it 's a lot different if she actually broke something . Before we were told she just had a black eye … . uh huh … . uh huh . " Melody sat up . She tried to signal to him she realized they were talking about the Robinson file which was sitting open on her desk . She tapped Ryan . " Professor Applebaum drove down the dark , highway barely able to keep his eyes open . He was still about two hours away from the small , college in Ohio where he was to deliver a lecture on the significance of linguistic evolution in modernist and post - modernist poetry . He could barely keep his eyes open and his stomach growled with hunger . He saw several signs advertising sustenance of the greasy spoon variety . He got off at the advised exit and drove down a dark winding road that seemed to go on for miles . He saw a sign that said Billy Bob 's Truck Stop . He speed up a bit at the thought of the delectable food he was about to eat when all of a sudden a bright light flashed in front of him and he felt an enormous thud . He got out of his car in a daze . Standing before him was a little green man with antennas . He had his hands on his hips and was looking at the enormous dent that Professor Applebaum 's Honda had left in his small , square shaped space craft . " I see . Well perhaps I can just give you some money and you can go to a planet where you can get it fixed . Is it still flyable ? " " Not to where it will make it to another planet . Someone will have to come down and help me . I 'm afraid he won 't take your currency . " Applebaum and the alien arrived at the truck stop about fifteen minutes later . Applebaum was certain that someone would see them and think that his companion was a child in a costume or they would get out a shot gun and kill them both . Instead they walked in unnoticed and sat down in a corner booth . They each ordered large meals with a big basket of onion rings to share . Squark drank beer while Applebaum drank coffee . " Actually , I chose it because it was centrally located . But , that 's actually what I wanted to talk to you about . You see the demographic of the people we normally abdu … recruit tends to be low income , middle - aged Caucasians who are not particularly well educated . We 'd like to have more educated test subjects . " " We tried that on YouTube , but we only got twellve likes . People said our costumes were stupid . We can 't go on the news , someone would try to kill us . " When Applebaum awoke he was lying on a comfortable bed in a dark room . He looked out the window and so stars flying by him at an astounding rate . He sprang to his feet and hit his head on the ceiling . He sat back down and Squark came into the room carrying a note pad . Claire sat in her apartment waiting for the doorbell to ring . She had spent most of the day cleaning her apartment and the last two hours trying to make herself presentable . Her stomach knotted when the clock struck 7 : 00 . She 'd told the service to send him over an hour before the party , so they could get their stories straight . She 'd seen the Rent a Buddy ad in LA Weekly and called out of desperation . She hoped he wasn 't too good looking , she 'd instructed them to be realistic . She got up and looked at herself in the mirror again . There she was , plain and pale with thin blond hair and bad skin and ten pounds overweight to boot . She wasn 't sure what was more ridiculous , the problem she was having or the solution to the problem . " No , I 'm trying to discourage someone . My boss wouldn 't leave me alone . I 'm not used to that sort of thing and I didn 't know how to handle it . I told him I had a boyfriend . " " I told them you worked in the legal department of BOA . I didn 't want them asking too many questions . Your name is Greg and you just moved here from Denver and you moved here to be closer to your family . " " We met at a party of a guy in your building . We bounded over a love of Robin Williams movies . " She paused to refill her own glass . " That was how I ended up mentioning you , actually . My supervisor , is this really creepy guy and we were talking in the break room and the subject was 80 's movies . He said he loved Mrs . Doubtfire and that it was playing at the Beverly , I panicked and said something like you know who love 's Robin Williams , my boyfriend ! Were gonna have to go see that movie ! Thanks for telling me about it . I said something like that . So then he started asking me about you . I just got deeper and deeper into the lie . " They arrived at the party fifteen minutes after it had started . They made a bee line for the bar to get their two allotted free drinks , they ordered Jamison 's and went over their details as they drank . . After a moment , Randy the supervisor that Tim had been hired to fool walked . In the door . He took off his hat to reveal that a bare pate sat above the chubby exterior which was clad in a cheap , powder blue suit . " He 's here , " Claire jumped up and almost fell to the ground in the process . Tim giggled hysterically and caught her . Claire felt a warm rush go through her body as he pulled her to her feet and put his arm around her , leading her towards Randy . Clair and Tim stagger out into the street . Tim began to run along Melrose Ave as fast as he could . Weaving in and out the passers by who regarded him with curiosity . Clair chased after him trailing a block behind . He stopped at a vintage store and waited for her to catch up . Desdemona looked out the window as the underground bus drove swiftly from stop to stop . She wished she 'd taken a different line so that there would have been traffic . She watched the unsuspecting faces of the people boarding the bus , wondering what they would think of her if they knew . She arrived at her stop and walked toward the address as slowly as possible , maybe they would fire her if she was late to her first day of work . She had been unemployed for nine months and her unemployment had ended several weeks before , she 'd had no choice but to take this job . She could hear the music thumping when she got there . She wrapped her shirt sleeve around her hand and opened the door . Abigail , her new boss was waiting for her behind the bar . Desdemona thought she looked even heavier than when she 'd met her a week ago . The many tattoos she sported on her flabby arms seemed to swing around with reckless abandon as she cleaned glasses and shelved , the bottles of fancy booze on the wall behind her . Abigail looked a bit thicker and her glasses appeared to be dirtier than they were last week . She smiled warmly and told Desdemona to take off her coat and hang it in the storage room . No one had arrived at the bar yet . The DJ , a tall thin man who looked like he had just been thawed out from a cryogenic freezing that had taken place in the mid - seventies , was preparing his set for the night . He danced around enthusiastically to the Britany Spears tune that he was currently spinning . Desdemona 's stomach tightened as the older woman led the way down the narrow staircase that led to the basement . The walls were lined with old Playboy and Penthouse center folds . They walked into the lounge area which contained several sofas and a couple of easy chairs . " So this is where people generally sit when they first come downstairs she said . You want to keep a close watch on this area . You have upholstery cleaner in your bag . If anything gets stained scrub it up before the next person sits there . The private rooms are back here . As soon as one couple leaves be sure to change the sheets and spray everything down right away . It can get tricky if it 's crowded , because sometimes they 'll be so many people around the viewing window that it 's hard to see what 's going on . Also sometimes one couple will get started and others will join in , if that happens wait until its twenty minutes after the original couple leaves . Remember there 's no nudity at the buffet and no sex on the floor . If anyone breaks a rule come upstairs and get a security guard . " Desdemona sat upstairs waiting for the first guest to arrive and hoping time would freeze . She looked in one of the many mirrors at herself . Short , a little plump , nice long dark hair clad in a white shirt and black skirt she was told to wear , she looked like a secretary . An elderly couple made their way down stairs , smiled at her and sat on one of the couches . She watched in horror as they began to finger each other . More people began to arrive . She stood in the corner and tried to go unseen emerging only when absolutely necessary to do her job . She tried not to look at the collection of paunchy , middle aged people who were coupling all around her . Fortunately there were not that many people around the viewing windows and she was able to see when a couple was leaving . She dashed out of the shadows and made the bed as quickly as humanly possible . Several men eyed her and a few asked her if she wanted to go into a room . She had never been the most attractive person in a bar in her life . She told them she couldn 't and went on about her business . While dashing from a room back to her corner she noticed a man walking around the room looking at everyone and masturbating as he walked . He was slightly more normal looking than the rest of the men there . He was tall and skinny , with a long plain face , but his face was shaven and he appeared to have showered . She suddenly realized she 'd seen him before . It was her high school history teacher Mr . Kramer . He caught sight of her and the two of them stared at each other for a long moment . He zipped up and ran out of the club . She got off of work just as the sun was coming up . The swingers were enjoying their breakfast buffet as she left . As she rode the bus home she thought this might not be such a bad job after all . The line extended half way down the block . The crowd consisted of a good mixture of men and woman , they all appeared to be thirty and older . They had a vaguely hipsterish look about them . Bettina 's stomach tightened . They were the kind of people that always made snide remarks about her writing and gave her vague condescending smiles when she tried to join in the conversation . They stood chatting with each other in the cold morning drizzle , sipping fancy coffee brewed from sustainable , organic beans and recommending restaurants to one another . A few of the braver street derelicts begged for coins and most were politely rejected . She remembered the first time she 'd met Emily , they 'd been coworkers at a temporary telemarketing jobs . They had called people and attempted to get them to donate clothing and toys for a charity right around the holidays . They had gone to lunch several times and chit chatted on breaks . They had a few things in common they both liked to write and they loved Katherine Anne Porter 's stories . At the end of the temp assignment they had become Facebook friends . They spoke of getting together for a drink , but they never had . They had spoken chatted a few times on Facebook and they 'd like and commented on one another 's post occasionally . Once Bettina had come home to her small dumpy apartment building in the North East District to find that she had a handsome new neighbor . They 'd introduced themselves and she 'd help him carry his coffee table into his unit . She noticed several young girls checking him out in the parking lot . She 'd gone on Facebook and said she had just met the Adonis of The Blue Bird Studios . From time to time she 'd mentioned things about the job she 'd taken right after the temp job she and Emily had together . The job was at a payday loan company on W . Burnside just blocks from Powell 's . She had often posted about the job and sadness she felt when someone came in and was happy and relieved to get the three hundred dollars they offered . They all had a month to pay the loan back at a thirty five percent interest rate . They were usually able to pay the first loan without much problem . Almost every one of them would come back for a second loan a week after they paid off the first . But then the trouble would start . They would get behind in their bills again and end up having to get a second loan to pay the first . Soon all they would do is take out loans to pay them . They had no choice but to pay them as the company would just keep trying to put the charge though their empty bank account causing them to get so many fees the bank account would be closed . A year after their temporary assignment ended Emily posted a link to her book on Facebook . Bettina felt annoyed when she saw the title , but she figured it was just a self - published e book . Curiosity had gotten the better of her and she 'd bought the book and downloaded it . She read it in one sitting , not because it was so good , but because it appeared to be the story of her life . The book told the story of a failed songwriter who came to Portland after barely being able to survive in New York . She had written about the failed relationship she 'd had in New York with a man who was a paralegal and secret coke addict . She wrote about the job at the payday loan company . She 'd made it look like she was obsessed with the handsome young man in her building . What infuriated her more than anything was the fact that she 'd only told Emily general things . She did tell her she made an attempt at song writing and lived in New York right before Portland , but she 'd hardly said a word about her ex - boyfriend . She realized that Emily must have gone back in her Facebook history to find the posts and pictures of him as she had described him to a tee . A few months after Emily E published the book , it had been picked up by a real publisher . Just before the hardcover came out the talk show appearances had started and then the tour . The movie deal had been finalized two days before her appearance at Powell 's , hence the long like . Bettina pushed her way past the news crew that was beginning to set up . She walked to the back of the line , ignored by the people who were about to buy her life story . She stuck her hand in her pocket and smiled to herself at the comforting feeling of a cold aluminum handle . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
When Nolan was in kindergarten , one of the girls in his class cut her bangs sooo short , they were just memory at the top of her forehead . She 'd coiffed her brother , too , and he had choppy pieces all over his head . It was a disaster . I remember , raising an eyebrow , feeling a little smug , as my scissors were safe up in the cupboard . My children were well - supervised . The boys knew they only could have them via me , and they were put away as soon as we finished what we were doing . Later , a friend of mine also had this happen . Her two - year old just hacked off a large portion on the back of her head , and the only recourse for her was a pixie cut . It was cute . By this time , I was not as smug , I mean , these things happen . And besides , my scissors were still kept safe , up in the cupboard . My children were somewhat supervised . The scissors were still doled out only by me . Fast forward to now . The boys know where the supplies are kept . They get them out for homework , they put them away ( most of the time ) . They are old enough to handle it . Then there 's Audrey . She also knows where everything is kept . She gets out her crayons , her Playdoh , her papers , and steals my tape - - she feels everything is a masterpiece , every picture deserves it 's rightful place on the pantry door . She 's impatient , my little girl , and that is why she knows where everything is . She doesn 't always wait for Mommy or one of the boys to get things out for her . I often am heard gasping as I turn the corner into my too - quiet family room to see her climbing onto the kitchen counter so she can get to something up in the cupboard , safely out of reach . Like Juicy Fruit . Or . . . . . . . . . . . . the scissors . Last night , Mr W came into the kitchen . " Anna , " he said , barely audible . I turn around , not knowing what to expect . He starts miming me a story . As he rarely whispers and almost never mimes , I know in an instant this is either very serious , or very cute - don 't - say - anything - just - look . At the same time , Nolan comes up next to him , holding a pair of scissors . Audrey decided to cut her hair last night . She chopped up the sides . It 's not tooo bad , it could 've been a lot worse . I had absolutely no idea she had the scissors . Sure , they were little school scissors , but did she have to pick the ones with the pointy ends ? I was in the kitchen making dinner , when did she get into the cupboard to take them ? ? ? I was talking to Audrey , and I saw a white light inside my oven . I was intrigued , because the light burned out years ago , and while I missed it , we never replaced it . ( Not that big a deal to me , just one of those things every homeowner has on the " got to get to this sometime " list . ) I moseyed on over and looked inside , to see sparks , white sparks , shooting off my heating element . A bright red glow in the element right in front of the sparks was traveling , ever so slowly , along the length of it , sparks flying , leaving a trail of charred - ness in it 's wake . I thought , I know that is clean , but maybe there was some food or something on it , causing the spark - and - char . I watch for a minute or two , and the sparking continued . Occasionally , it would really let one fly , and I turned the oven off , thinking I 'd let it cool so I could investigate . But the sparking continued . And the traveling glow - ring continued to . . . travel . I went to wake Mr W up , because he is the only one of us to ever run the self cleaning feature , and I wanted to know if that had ever happened before . He didn 't quite grasp what I meant in his sleep fog , so I finally had to resort to " Come . To . The . Kitchen . NOW . " Once he saw it , he understood . As we stood there talking about what was happening , he said , " Anna , it 's still on . " " No , I turned it off . " " Then why is the other side of the element still glowing red like it 's preheating ? " Alarmed , we pulled the stove out of the wall and pulled the plug . Literally . Initially , I was calling for repair when I realized , this range nearly 13 years old . Day in , day out , I use the hell out of it . Time to let it go , not risk burning my house down because I think it 's fixable . Sears couldn 't come until the following Monday anyways , and there was just no way in hell I could make it through the entire week with all these mouths to feed and no way to feed them . ( They barely make it in the door afterschool without chewing off a limb , I could hardly expect them to wait a week . ) That afternoon , Ben and Nolan had a dr appt . Ben was sick , so it worked out that we were going anyway . It didn 't matter that I was a few minutes late , because my van died on the way over , and we never made it . Some lovely teenagers pushed my van into a parking lot , ciggies in hand as they pushed ; they helped me try to figure out what was wrong , and waited until they knew Mr W was on his way before they left . Their mothers would be proud . I tried hard to not lose my cool in front of the kids , but it was a little disheartening , considering we just had it worked on . Mr W showed up , and after careful consideration , we called Remo 's Towing Service . Again . Ben , however , has not fared so well all week . We did make it to the doctor Tues morning , and I was given all manner of things to help him out . The relentless cough , however , was pretty bad , especially at night . So the two of us had not slept much . By Weds , I was marching with the legions of the unslept dead ( 3 - 4 hours a night , if I was lucky , since Sunday night ) , and pretty cranky . It was one of those classic situations , where there are maybe 3 checkouts open , but everyone goes to them at once . I was trying to hasten my departure as I needed to go pick up Audrey . And it was getting to close to comfort , for me , but I only had a couple of items , one of them toilet paper - - do I need to explain the urgency , 6 people , down to our last roll - - so I figured I should be able to make it happen , I needed to make it happen . . . . There were 3 people ahead of me , but the woman paying was getting something that had to be brought up from electronics , which turned into a huge deal , lots of talking , no paying . I 'm shifting from side to side , wondering if it 's worth it to go to another line . My eyes met the eyes of one of the extra cashiers , and I must 've given her quite the hairy eyeball , unintentionally of course , so she called for more cashiers . A lane next to me opened up . The other two women ahead of me , a mother - and - daughter team that looked to be paying separately , were slow in jumping on it . While in my heart I knew I was somewhat violating the rules of checkout etiquette ( I 've let tons of people with one or two items ahead of me many times , so I figured I was even with this move ) , I scooted over to the next lane , mentally calculating the closest route to Audrey , when I looked up and saw the mother , a scrappy spider monkey of a woman , had gone around the paying end of the other register and jumped in line in front of me . I looked at her , kinda surprised , as she said , looking a little embarrassed , that they had to pick up someone at school , so they were in a hurry . Really ? I rolled my eyes , whatever , I thought , she only has a couple of things . " I have to pick up someone at school too , " I told her . She looked a little embarrassed . But not so embarrassed that she couldn 't gesture to her daughter to come over too . So now , I am moving my cart back over to the side , as her daughter is practically running over her own daughter in her haste to get past me , and bumping my cart with her impatience , as she starts in with how " she has someone to pick up at school . " I grit my teeth , tell her " So do I " as I move the cart . As she passes me , she snidely comments about how I jumped in front of them , and how I " had time to get a cup of fancy coffee in a donut cup " , implying that I couldn 't be in that much of a hurry . Or didn 't use my time wisely . Or had spent a zillion dollars on a cup of coffee , what right do I have to jump in front of her trashy ass , she has things to do . I resist the urge to slap her . I had to take a breath . First of all , the " fancy donut cup " was from Starbucks , yes . Admittedly , the worst cup of coffee I 'd ever had in my life , I was considering throwing it away 3 / 4 full . Now I wanted to pour it over her head , and was sad that it had cooled some . Briefly , I saw red . I snapped shut my mouth , snappy retorts wasted , as I realized that I didn 't want to get into a battle of wits with someone sorely in need of them , and that I had to pick up Audrey , so wasting time and potentially having to wait for the police to let me go was not an option . Besides , Mr W was at work , and I was in a Target in his city . I couldn 't bear to have him hear that call , or be called , " Yeah , man , we 're down here with your wife . . . " I was the bigger person . I took a deep breath . I smiled at the woman 's poor child , who was cute ( obviously inheriting it from her father ) and playing right at my feet in the myriad of " Mommy can I have it ? " doodads that interest kids at checkouts . I didn 't even chuckle or snort ( out loud anyway ) when the woman went to pay and apparently had misplaced her cash . ( Dropped out of her pocket , lost in her pit of a purse , stuck in her bra , in her other g - string , who knows ? ) I stood there and waited my turn , paid for my stuff , and beat it . By Thursday , I was done with being up all night . I called the doctor , hoping for a magic bullet , and they called something else in for Ben . But when I went to pick it up , the pharmacist told me it was off - formulary , and " that will be $ 50 . " " What ? " I was flustered , and as a result , I forgot to buy the sterile saline for Ben 's nebulizer . That 's okay , I thought . He has 3 tubes left from the stash the doctor gave us . I was falling asleep , in the magic chair before ten . I heard Ben coughing , coughing , so I told him , " Take a breathing treatment , " as I struggled to wake up . " Mom , " Ben announced , " I only have two of those saline thingies left . " Even in my state , I could do the math . One now . One probably around midnight , 1 am . And then , when he 's hacking up a lung at 4 , a trip to the drugstore . Fuck . I was halfway to my first Walgreen 's when I realized I was in my bathrobe , not a jacket . Oh well . I managed to stave off the tears until I was almost home . It was just suddenly too much . The week was just too damn much for me at this point , and I was gonna cry , and I wanted Mr W to pat me on the head and tell me it would be okay . Instead , he very gruffly told me to show him where Ben 's stuff was , what he needed to do , and he sent me to bed . I didn 't argue , although I pointed out he was being a little pissy with me . " Go . Go to bed right now . " he said . Ordinarily , I am pretty cheerful . I 'm the glass - half - full girl . But it 's been really hard to keep that up lately . I 'm taking solace in my new stove . It 's got a glass top ( my husband will no longer get to comment on the burned burner liners ) and three ( three ! ) racks inside . Ryan commented that means I can make more than one cookie sheet of cookies at a time . It 's lovely . I 'd sent everyone out and was inside , grabbing Audrey 's jacket , doing a quick sweep - n - sigh of ' who - left - this - on - the - counter ' when Ben comes rushing back in , breathless and excited . This is not a good sign . This means : a ) someone fell down as they played instead of getting into the car like I told them to and is now bleeding in the yard ; b ) there is some wacko door - to - door salesman in the driveway " . . . who wants to talk to you , Mom " ; c ) someone threw my keys up onto the roof ; or d ) one of the boys bludgeoned the other in the race for the coveted front seat , and that child is now unconscious on the floor of the garage . ( As an aside , I have to say , if it 's stray or in distress ; if there is a neighborhood drama taking place , Ben , the social butterfly of the house , always finds it . Usually at an inopportune time . And I don 't hear about it until he has had the chance to work his siblings up into a lather . It 's awesome that he cares . It sucks . . . nah , I guess it doesn 't really suck . It 's just . . . Ben . ) I follow him out into the front door and across the street . Sure enough , my neighbor 's dog 's head is out the fence . We have block fences here , and usually one of the bottom blocks is turned onto its side for drainage purposes . The blocks have two holes in them , big square holes , the perfect size for the head of a small child , or dog . Poor thing . He had just THE most pathetic look on his face . Another neighbor had been on her way to the grocery store , and her driveway faces this fence . As she was backing out , she saw the head , and stopped . I swear , one look in his eyes , and I could understand why she couldn 't leave him . My neighbor and I talked . Apparently , she 'd rung the doorbell , but the dog owners were not home . I talk to them on occasion , but have no phone number for them . We decided to try and get into the yard , even though they have another dog ( both of the dogs are friendly , labs , and I have met them before too ) . Once we realized we couldn 't go through the closest fence , and climbing the wall was not an option ( it seemed unstable , if you can believe that ) , I walked around the house to see if they had another gate , and luckily they did and it was unlocked . Nolan and I went into the backyard , thinking we would pull the dog back through , or at least try - - when I saw he was at an awkward angle , and moving him was probably not a good idea . My neighbor went for the cooking oil - lube up the head option , to see if this would help him slide it back out on his own . It didn 't work . And everytime the dog tried to get his head through , he became a little frantic . His snout was small enough , but labs have big heads and a crest on top of their skulls . No way that was making it back through , and we sat down and patted his head , calming him , so he 'd stop trying before he really hurt himself . I called my vet , in desperation , hoping that they might have my neighbor in their files , but instead , they gave me a great idea . " Call the Humane Society , they have a rescue squad . " Hurray ! I figured that calling Rabies Animal Control might be anoption , but they mainly ( I figured ) deal in stray or dangerous animals , not stuck ones . In the middle of this , a friend of the dog owners showed up , just as Mr W did . The guy disappeared into the backyard , and then called out to me over the fence that he couldn 't budge the pup either . But he did have the dog owner 's # and he called her . I was surprised when he told me my neighbors husband got deployed to Turkey , as I just saw him the other day . Great , just what the poor girl needs , I thought , alone , taking care of her two small boys , and the dog manages to pull a stunt like this ? Oy . Doesn 't the impossible stuff always happen when your spouse is away ? My kids were getting antsy that help was taking so long to arrive , so I sent them all inside to finish homework as it seemed we weren 't going anywhere soon . Mr W hung out for a while then came and told me he had Rabies and Animal Control called out too . " Whoever gets here first , wins , " he said , when I told him that now we 'd have two sets of people responding . Good point . The dog owner made it to the house by this time , and she was upset when she saw the dog . She thought we were talking about the regular gate , not the block wall , so she was upset to see her dog 's head stuck in the wall like that . ( It was rather unsettling , and weird , like he was in a guillotine or something . ) The dog was still doing okay , only now that ' Mom ' was home , he started to let a moan out every now and then . My phone rang , and I answered it , thinking the Rescue team was lost , and I 'd have to give directions . But it was the lady from the Humane Society . " We 're about halfway there . " " Okay . The dog owner is here now , but the dog is still stuck . " " We should be there pretty soon . However , could you tell the dog owner , I am not sure , but are you familiar with the " Animal Rescue / EMT " show that we do with the Animal Planet channel ? " " Yes . " " Could you tell her that a film crew is coming along to this rescue , and they will be filming it , so anyone that doesn 't want to be filmed should hang back a bit ? " She 's gotta be kidding , I thought . I told everyone there . They thought I was kidding . Again , just what my poor neighbor needs , I thought . I had Ben fetch Mr W ( who was sitting in his car across the way ) and I told Mr W . Who promptly made himself scarce , unlike his children , who upon hearing the words " film crew " were abuzz , electrified by the thought of being immortalized in celluloid . ( or would that be digitally ? ) I have to say , at this point , I am never making fun of the people on " COPS " again . I know I am not alone in ridiculing the people on that show , in a " who in the hell gets filmed wearing a yellow mumu / braless / shirtless ( insert clothing or lack thereof here ) voluntarily ? " kind of way . Do you know why that is ? Because sh * * happens when you are not prepared for it , and the only people allowed to chose their wardrobe before being on camera are movie stars . So next time you see a lady in a housecoat and curlers on COPS , cut her a little slack . ( We 'll get to this again later . ) I looked up to see that my garage door was closed . Mr W was NOWHERE in sight , and my children , they were right in the thick of things , so I could hardly escape without it looking like my kids were the abandoned neighborhood vagabond kids . Yeah , that 'd play well on camera . I slid into the shadows , where I could watch , but hopefully not be captured in the frame . I swear to you , the lights moved my direction , I scrambled like a vampire avoiding the sun . I tried to , anyway . It was kinda hard to be totally uninvolved when I had to keep calling the kids out of the way , or rounding up whoever was missing ( because they were looking over everyone 's shoulder , like I said , they were totally in the thick of things ) . " Could you sign one of our disclosure forms so they can be in the show ? I have a good feeling about this one making it to the air . We 're filming next season 's shows , they start in February , this one would probably air in March . " " Oh , that form is for you . " ( oh , shit , no , no , no . ) " But I wasn 't in the middle of things , not really . " " I 'm just covering my bases , and getting one from everyone on scene . " I take a second and ponder what this means . And try not to obsess that I have braided ponytails in my hair , not to mention no lippy , and hardly any makeup on as well as the fact that I had not jumped in the shower ( yet ) at all . I was wearing a shirt I am a little ashamed to admit now that I 'd had on the day before , and a jacket that had seen better days . Topping things off , while my children are quite photogenic ( I 'm the Mom , I can say that ) I am not . ( You know how some people could roll out of bed , and look like they could grace a magazine cover ? They could be in the middle of the rainforest for weeks , no coif , no makeup , and there are small angels circling their head in their photos , punctuating their otherworldly beauty ? Not me . The school retake option ? My saving grace . ) It was really too late to worry about that now , after the fact , all I can do is hope for some good editing . Filling the forms out , I conjure up just what punishment I will inflict on my husband for leaving me out there alone . ( I guess I could have opted out and not signed , but the kids pressed in around me , like they knew what I was thinking , and I caved . And Ben asked me , I am not kidding , he asked me , " Mom , I don 't mean to be rude , but what 's for dinner ? " AAAAAHHHHH ! ! ! ) I took some consolation that when the crew and rescuer left , my neighbors were also cringing at " my hair is sticking up " and " I 'm covered with dirt , dog , and oil . " Yeah , we had warning we might be filmed . But the doggie didn 't deserve us leaving him to primp . Anyway , one of the things I found was a cute little camisole top for Audrey . I never buy her anything like this , as she is still mainly into her dresses , but I 'd found her some jeans , and spied the cute top all alone on the sale rack . The top is gray , with cream - lace trim , and I also found a cream henley to go over the top of it . Like the big girls wear . I could hardly turn down something that cute for $ 1 . 98 . No way . A shelf bra in a top intended for " XS 4 - 5 " ? Oookkkkayy . I explained to her , " Look , honey , it 's got a little bra thing in it , " as I wrinkled my nose . She of course had to see it , then had to stand on my bed to see her whole new top ( once both tops were on ) . So adorable . And the effect was not tarty at all . She really liked it , and was running around the house in her excitement , shelf bra / elastic forgotten . Or so I thought . When the boys got home , she excitedly was jabbering on about my finds , and Ben was trying on his hoodie when she says , " Look , look at my shirt , Ben ! ! ! " as she turns around , and then grabs his hands ( like little girls do ) as she squealed and announced , " And it comes with boobs ! ! " Ah , sister , if only it were that easy . Later that night , I found her in the kitchen , looking at herself at a weird angle in the locker door mirror I have stuck on the front of it . " Whatcha doing ? " I asked her . Aww , cute , I thought , she 's using the shelf bra like a pocket . Then it hit me , as I realized the balls were spaced out . One on each side . And the little semi - embarrassed look she gave me sealed my realization . < little voice > " Yeah . " So we had a little chat about how little girls don 't have them . Don 't need them . Don 't need to worry about them at this point . Stop rushing things , and go pick up your stuffed animals off the family room floor . * * ( Before anyone starts worrying about where she 's been hanging out and who she 's been around , let me just say don 't worry . She 's as protected as she can be , she 's just curious . She 's noticed grown girls look different for a long time , and wonders about it . ) * * But I didn 't have the address . You know how it is , Moms make the playdates , and while we might have the address initially , once you drive there once or twice , you are on autopilot . I was sure I could tell him how to get there , but I also knew that would not fly for Mr W . He is just not a " turn right at the blue house " kind of guy , and his cop - ness just makes that worse . He needs the address , directions are never sufficient enough . ( Our brushes with near - divorce , " stop and let me out of this van " moments while navigating the California freeway system on our trips to Disneyland have been experience enough for me to know . ) I accept this , and to avoid the inevitable phone call to me at work , with thinly veiled sarcastic comments about how my directions were so good ( read : suck ) , I decided we 'd take a detour as we ran errands Friday and I 'd show him where the house was as we 'd be in the area already . Once we found the house , everyone was satisfied that Ben would , indeed , make it there when he needed to , we continued on . Now , I don 't know about you all , but I tend to go back out a neighborhood the way I came in , I mean , it 's logical , especially in the world of cookie cutter houses , cul de sacs , and dead ends that are all around me . Occasionally , I will explore , but usually I don 't have time . ( We 'll talk about my chronic imrunninglateitis at some other . . . time . ) Mr W , on the other hand . . . has an uncanny knack for taking his own route . Which messes up the order in my mind , but never fails to impress me . I know why he does it , afterall , how many times have I heard him gleefully chortle about how he annoyed Joe - Bob Citizen by telling him that he couldn 't go into his neighborhood through the roadblock , only to hear from Joe - Bob " that 's the only way I can get in " when he himself knew of at least two other entry routes ? This amuses him . And frankly , in his line of work , I can 't fault him for that . However , I 'd had enough , Friday , I had to give him a hard time . " Dude . How do you do that ? How is it that no matter where we are , no matter which neighborhood we 're in , you can find your way out to the major street like you live there ? Are all neighborhoods really laid out that similarly , or is there some kind of GPS microchip they implant in you when you leave the Police Academy for just this purpose ? ? " " That 's just our microchips synchronizing . Don 't you notice a barely perceptible wiggle of our butts , as they activate ? " ( Yeah . Sure , honey , let me admit to you that I am looking at all your butts . Like I 'd do that . Not me . ) * My Dad is one of those people who buys presents but seems to hate Christmas and he gets more agitated and more demanding and moody the closer we get to it . He gets all cranky , and somewhat depressed , and this year , he passed it on to me . I was a little blue throughout , for no real reason other than that the man brought me down . Although , on Christmas morning , when the kids all got their loot and I managed to make the emotional accountant in the family ( Ben ) happy that it was distributed evenly and they were all thrilled with proof that I actually listen to their " I want " s all year , it certainly helped improve my mood . Audrey in her tiaras getting glitter all over her Dad was priceless , especially when he couldn 't get all of it out and I found it later in the day , still on his cheek , after he showered . ( At least I hope it was Audrey 's glitter , and not something I should know about . ) * On one of our coldest , blusteriest afternoons ( the 22nd ) I was driving home from work , wrapping up some shopping , grabbing some food for the kids , when my car died in the middle of an intersection . It was an old car , with a ton of miles on it , and I was sentimentally holding on to it as I tend to do . . . it had no heat , but the a / c worked , and in AZ , that 's what matters . . . at any rate , it 'd been acting kinda funny , but not any weirder than usual when bam ! the clutch decided it was done , and there I sat , pondering my next move , praying someone might come push me out of the road . It was a little scary , as due to the lack of heat , my windows had fogged up to a degree I 'd not experienced since I was fending off the amorous advances of an overeager 17 year old , and I couldn 't see out much at all . The bit of smoke coming out from under the hood didn 't help , either . Luckily , a stranger , a nice , nice stranger , came and pushed me out of the road . I called Mr W to come get me , and the lovely Jane talked me down while I waited . I hate that helpless , " I 'm - such - a - girl " feeling , truly hate it , but you know , these things happen . So Mr W comes , and has a go ( to no avail , but apparently , my word is not as good as the car stopping whilst he drives it ) , and ultimately even Remo was involved in this little adventure . Again , luckily , Remo was very cool about the whole thing , rain , cold , day off , he came anyway , and well , he maintained a kind of amused air about it . ( At least I 'm hoping it was an amused air , and not the air he reserves for " stupid motorist " calls . ) He was quite gracious about the whole affair , made a couple of calls , and poof , it was all taken care of . ( I swear , I think Mr W 's blood pressure went down a notch or two once Remo got there . It 's not like he didn 't know what to do , I just think that guys do better , when faced with a car taking a crap like that , when they have another guy on the scene . Must be something about the Y chromosome , as mysterious as the take - a - friend - shopping gene only women have . For me , at least , * I had to work on the 24th , which didn 't seem like a huge deal when I saw myself on the schedule for that day , I mean , I work Sundays usually anyway . However , I was guaranteed 8 hours of joy - - a long day ( for me ) , and the other people working it asked me to come in early ( so we could leave early ) . Fine , done , but then the afternoon had some interesting twists , and I wound up staying later to work on something . Something I 've not done in a while , but it involved the sample of a toddler , a sample two days old already , so I snapped on the gloves and had someone talk me through it . I managed fine . It was good to be in the lab like that again , which is what I focused on as I entered the realm of my parents that evening ( who were still bickering ) . * On Christmas day , we got a call late in the afternoon that Mr W 's Dad had been in a car accident . Only him . He had blacked out and wrapped his car around a tree . Broken arm , broken hand , he was in the hospital . He 's home now , on the mend , but really , who relishes a call like that on Christmas day ? * My horoscope , that barometer of truth ( : p ) has sucked at least 3 days out of the week for like a month now . It 's not filled with anything but dire news . " A handsome man will pinch your ass " was somehow replaced with variations of " keep an eye on your expenses " and " you suck . " ( It has continued into Jan with this trend . ) Otherwise , made it through New Year 's without incident . And I stayed home that night ( Mr W worked ) and had a great time with the kids , although I was a little crabby at their late - night shenanigans , have you ever seen a wired four year old at that time of night ? Good gracious , that 's reason enough to pop a cork at midnight . . . But then Nolan caught some weird stomach bug that had him down all last week . I thought one night it might be appendicitis , but he never got passed complaining that it ached , no fever , no other symptoms , so I chose to watch him . He progressed to a cold , which I 'll take over appendicitis any day . As we de - Christmas - ified the house , last Monday , I noticed the van dripping something new , prolifically enough that it was in a new spot almost everytime we parked it . That coupled with a noise underneath , a rattling noise I hoped was not the rattle - of - death , made me really , really worried . I pointed these things out to Mr W enough to make him worry too , and by the weekend , we 'd both agreed that we needed to not only change the oil , but get to the bottom of what 's what . While I have my Dad 's lovely Cadillac on loan as our second car , the van IS our family vehicle , and will be bumped to backup car soon , so we knew we had to get it taken care of . Oh , and it got taken care of alright . Cha - ching ! Let 's see , I 'll give you the laundry list of repairs , you do your own math : new struts , new rear shocks , some solenoid - transmission - thingy ( the transmission was leaking ) , the oil change . . . labor . . . Vaseline ( I 'm only partially kidding ) . . I used to think I 'd like one of the kids to turn out to be a doctor , or a dentist , but now , I 'd like a mechanic . One mechanic . That isn 't too much to ask , is it ? I really shouldn 't complain . The van runs much better now , or at least it doesn 't jiggle and feel like a covered wagon anymore , even though it still sighs when I shut it off . All things considered , I can live with that . I guess what I 'm getting at is that it 's kinda been a lot to handle , these past two or so weeks . We started school Tuesday . When the alarm went off , I jumped right back into the routine and was happy to do it . |
I was waiting in the lobby of my physical therapist . I had the girls in the stroller and I was talking to them . They were dressed alike , and yes , they are identical twin girls . Thing 1 came down with a fever on Friday night . Her fever broke the next day , but now she 's feeling more miserable than before because she 's very congested . Her nose stuffed up and runny making it difficult for her to sleep . Her chest is also congested making her cough horribly . After dinner tonight , it 's Thing 2 has a fever . She 's now sleeping in one of the play pen in our room so that I could monitor her in the middle of the night . Thing 1 is alone in their room , coughing every now and then . They just both had the same symptoms 3 weeks ago ! I worry about the twins when they get sick because they always have wheezing . I think this comes with the territory of being preemies . When the little man was a baby , he was right there in our bed because we co - sleep . So even though I worried about him , I at least got sleep . But with the girls , it 's difficult . Last night I took Thing 1 to our bed because she 's coughing and wheezing , but the minute I laid her on the bed she got excited . She crawled everywhere and climbed on , top of me and Daddy . She did this for 20 minutes until I finally gave up and put her back to her bed where she slept instantly ! Today we 're trying out the play pen idea next to the bed . So far it 's working out . I haven 't heard a peep from Thing 2 . Big brother is coughing too and having trouble getting a good night sleep . He woke up at 3 am and came to our bed , which irritated Daddy because it woke him up and he couldn 't get back to sleep . He actually got mad at me as if I made the little boy sleep with us . Finally in his sleep hysterics , he stormed out of our room to the guess room to get some zzzzz 's . Once in a while , the twins do get out of the play yard . : - ) And today , Thing 2 uses her time to practice taking steps . I tried to let Thing 1 do the same , but she was too afraid of falling . Notice how her hair stick out all over the place ? This is before Thing 2 's bath ( taken this morning after dropping off big brother at school ) . And this is what happens after the bath , after all the dirt and grime gets washed away . ( Her car seat now faces forward ! ) By the way , this is a partial evil eye . The camera was too slow to catch the whole thing . I was on church nursery duty bright and early this morning and of course I brought the little man with me . I don 't think the husband would let me keep volunteering if I were to leave all 3 chitlins with him . It was fun , even though there was a 1 - year old and a 2 - year old that would really prefer not to be there . But for some strange reason , the total of 11 kids that were running around wasn 't really too bad . I guess it 's because they weren 't mine ! After church , the little man and I went to Costco and bought a few things , including one ginormous box of diapers and one equally ginormous box of wipes . The little man is getting to be quiet fun to be with when he isn 't throwing a tantrum . And he only has them lately when he is getting sleepy . We saw a fireman rain coat and he wouldn 't let me put it back down . I didn 't really want to buy because it 's lined , and this boy being as warm blooded as he is he would just sweat like mad while wearing it . But , we ended up with it anyway . I once mentioned to a friend that I am a lot stricter with my first born , than I am with my twins . She replied by saying that this is usually the case . It got me thinking . . . . With the little man being the first , it was ' learn as you go ' sort of parenting . He was already 11 months by the time I introduced a sippy cup ( not that it was needed all that much because I was still breastfeeding at the time ) . At 12 months , I was still spoon feeding him pretty much everything because for one I didn 't know better , and two it was less messy than letting him feed himself . Then one day , I came across a book ( or it could have been a website ) that said that by 12 months , babies should be given a spoon to experiment with . Nowadays , at 3 years 4 months old , both Daddy and I are still too controlling . We 've found ourselves steering him off of a toy that he really wanted because we think he 's too old / too young , too big / too small . In the most mundane things in life , both Daddy and I sometimes control too much with this little boy , who just happens to be the most independent kid you will ever meet . Everything is " I can do it myself ! " , " let me do it " , " Mommy , I did by myself ! " . I still remember when I took him to new playground at about 14 months . He took off from me and got as much as 20 feet away without ever looking back if I was still behind him . Today , the twins enjoy less " fussing over " : I gave them a sippy cup at 7 months , I let them self - feed as soon as they could bring their hands to their mouths , they can make a mess without me freaking out about the amount of mess I have to clean later . I don 't know if it 's because since there are 2 of them and it 's harder to control 2 compared to 1 . It is a little unfair for everyone involved and I feel a little guilty . The boy received a lot of one on one time but always on the receiving end of experimental parenting . The twins get a lot less one on one but is the recipient of ' wiser ' parenting techniques . Thing 1 woke up from her nap sooner than Thing 2 , so I whisked her away downstairs to have one on one time . I gave her the brush I bought for their first birthday but just never got around to giving it . How slack am I ? ! But to be fair , it 's just lately that their hair seems to grow very fast . It 's now going down to their eyes . I 've tried many clips on them , but they keep pulling it off , especially Thing 1 . Here she is with a hair clip on . The only reason why Thing 1 didn 't try to take it off was that she was too preoccupied with the brush . After 5 weeks of going to physical therapy twice a week , the girls have become very familiar with the routine . Once I get called , Thing 1 twists around ( she sits in front ) to see where I keep the crackers and when I don 't hand it fast enough , she gets very vocal . And quite loudly I might add . Everyone in there loves these two , even the patients . Thing 1 continuously chit - chats with everyone and cries when she 's out of crackers . Thing 2 took a while to start smiling , but today she did finally start . But one of the therapist ' over stayed ' her welcome in talking to them ( she said because Thing 1 was enjoying the conversation so much ! ) and Thing 2 started crying for me . She couldn 't see me right away because I was paying so it made her cry even worse . After that , she gave the therapist the evil eye . Oooh , she gets Mommy 's evil eye look down pat . The nice therapist felt shamed , but I think I made her feel better when I told her even I get the evil eye . : - ) But then I ran out of crackers . GASP ! Now the nice lady happened to have graham crackers so she gave the girls some . Of course they stop crying . We 'll see if the lady is now Thing 2 's best friend on my next appointment . Is it evil eye or evil eyeS ? There are 2 eyes , after all . Oh well . I finally took the twins to the pediatrician to discuss their milk allergy . I went on and on and on about eliminating milk completely for a couple of weeks and then starting a food diary for a few days , and noting the reactions to milk products . I then stopped the milk products for 2 more weeks and then introduced cheese and they had the allergic reaction again . They developed a rash around their mouths and wherever the milk happens to drip , and they got runny noses . During a particularly bad reaction , both the girls developed welts . He said that as far as allergy goes , it 's pretty mild . He mentioned that tests at this age is pretty inaccurate but it is worth looking into to see what we 're dealing with . So he gave me a name of a pediatric allergist . In the meantime , we can keep with soy milk . Should it turn out that we have to avoid milk for a long time , then we will discuss other ways of getting calcium into their bodies . I 'm not particularly happy with the casual manner of the conversation ( I 'm worried , and the doctor is not ) , but at least we 've been referred to an allergist . We 'll see what happens then . Milk allergy may be common before the age of 3 , but it doesn 't mean I don 't have to worry . There is absolutely no history of food allergy in both mine and my husband 's family . At least when the girls get tested , I will know whether to freak out when Thing 1 steals Big Brother 's milk . I do believe I can finally spare my back by not crawling inside of the mini - van to get to the 3rd row in order to buckle my 3 year old in . Yesterday I asked him to buckle himself in and so he tried , no so successfully , but I was there to give him pointers . This morning when I drove him to school , he was able to buckle himself without my help ! Yipeee ! Of course I need to check to make sure the seat belt isn 't over the arm rest of the booster and that it isn 't twisted . Life has gotten just a tad bit easier . : - ) Big Bro finally gets to bat left - handed . Since T - ball began , if you set him up initially , he positions himself to bat left - handed . But the coach turns him around , and makes him bat right - handed . We 've since found out it doesn 't really matter since he can apparently bat with either hand , though . Daddy talked to the coach and told him to try to let him bat however he wanted . Did you notice the boy in 3rd base who ran after the ball instead of running home ? So funny ! The mom used to apologize the first 2 games , but she doesn 't anymore . Why would she ? we 're just all happy these kids can last an hour in hot humid heat every Saturday ! This game is awesome . There is no winners or losers , yet there they are taught sportsmanship . There is only one more session left and T - ball is done . Soccer is the next in September . First , the little man wanted Daddy to be with him ( in red ) . Then he requested that he wanted Mommy . ( Notice we 're wearing the team hat ! ) Still tackling whoever gets the ball , who cares if they are in the same team . Another team mate beat the little man to the ball this time . The Cheerleaders ( Thing 1 in the front , Thing 2 in the back ) . They cheered the best they could , even if their backs were turned against the game . It was hot and humid and this is the only position that afforded them shade . The trophy ! and not just any trophy , it 's a personalized one with his name ! Some time this morning , I got two baby books and showed / read them to the twins . They loved the pictures of the babies ; Thing 1 kissed the picture of a girl repeatedly . Then I left them to enjoy the books on their own . After I had gone to the kitchen and walked around aimlessly for a few minutes staring at the dirty dishes and pondering whether I wanted to clean them or not , I go back to check on the girls and found them ripping paper covering the binding and eating the paper ! So I take the books a way . Late in the afternoon , in preparing to leave to meet the boys for our Friday picnic , I gather diapers and baby wipes and took then inside the play yard to change diapers . Consistent to what I 've been doing a lot lately , I leave the box of wipes in the play yard . I then go upstairs and get dressed . By the time I got back down to the living room , here is what I saw . I swear these two girls conspired to drive me crazy today when I am already going crazy suffering from womanly pains ( cramps ) . Thing 2 hasn 't stopped stuffing her face since the weekend . Just watch her put all of that waffle in her mouth . It 's quite fascinating . We were at Big Brother 's school waiting for him to finish playing so we could head home yesterday when the girls played a neat trick on me . I had put a hair clip on Thing 2 because her hair is getting in her eyes . But had to take Thing 1 's away because she kept taking it off and putting it in her mouth . But while at school , I happened to notice that Thing 2 's was gone . So I did my usual sweep of her mouth and found nothing . I looked around her seat and the floor and the basket part of the stroller and didn 't find it . Then I happened to see Thing 1 's hand closed in a tight fist . I checked it and there it was . Did I mention that Thing 1 is on the front and Thing 2 is in the back ? How on earth Thing 1 got a hold of Thing 2 's head is beyond me . Oh , and did I mention that I was inches away from them the entire time and still I didn 't see how it happened . Daddy 's birthday is this weekend , so we had his birthday lunch on Tuesday with the twins . Big Brother was in school . Sorry , little man ! While eating lunch , Thing 2 took breaks in between every 2 - 3 bites to lean over on Daddy and wrap her greasy little hands around his arm . She kept doing it over and over through the entire meal . We 're not quite sure why she did it , but it sure did give her time enough to chew her food and not choke herself like she and her sister did over the weekend . And of course , Daddy just ate up the cuddliness . Thing 1 sat beside me and both she and I just went about our business of eating yummy yummy Italian food . Notice we took the booster seat with us . It was great ! ! For the first time while out , I didn 't need to feed the girls first before I could eat my food . We all ate together . The little man conked out 20 minutes into the long drive home on Monday . But notice the train track still in his hands . He will probably hate me for posting pictures like this when he gets older . Here is Thing 1 . It took her a little while to fall asleep being next Big Brother . But she finally fell asleep after her fingers found her mouth . I don 't think you 're ever seen this much excitement from a 3 - year - old . The problem is , that we built up the trip by telling him he would be able to ride in a train . But the way the trip was structured , the train ride was after 2 hours of walking around and looking at the countless trains . When it was finally time to ride the train , he bee - lined for the train like someone was trying to nip his behind . Look at this boy grinning like a fool . Here is 3 generations in front of the this 1925 train ( picture on the left ) , but it 's actually 5 generations . . Papaw shares his story of riding on this train with his father , and his grandfather running it . Poor little man doesn 't know yet that there is another legacy here in store for him - the big belly . The picture on the right is Daddy and Big Brother 's cousins . . . and no , they are not really funny looking . The sun just happened to be in their eyes . And here we are , the women - folk . I got a work out carrying Thing 2 , but Nana had Thing 1 who is even heavier . Silly me for leaving the stroller at home . Never again ! Thing 2 and Thing 1 had their first real chicken , roast beef , and ham this weekend . Thing 2 stuffed her mouth with a banana . In trying to stuff our large family in the mini - van , we had to down size a few things . The girls ' Graco high - chair were not going to work at all for the trip , unless we wanted someone to ride in the cargo top . So we bought two booster seats instead . These Firsher - Price Healthy Care Booster seats were our answer . It worked out quite well . The twins got to show case their self - feeding ability to Nana . Would you believe each of these two munchkins ate more than their Big Brother at each meal ? Fishing was the big hit of the day on Saturday . The boys ( Papaw , cousin B , Daddy , Big Brother ) all had fishing rods and introduced Big Brother to his first fish ever . There was a rumor of a rule about baiting your own hook , but somehow I was able to cast without doing so and without a license ! Big Brother had a blast , and best of all no limbs got caught in the hook ( Papaw has a story about an a hook on someone 's ear when he was young ? eww ) . But I think he probably got a little board waiting for a fish to bite , but he surely wanted to be told when cousin B caught one so he could touch it . Touch meaning poke the fish with one finger . While the boys were fishing , Nana and I wore the girls and took a walk around the park and watched the geese . I had Thing 2 go with Nana , thinking that if she could see me , she wouldn 't mind being carried by someone else . ( She suffered from major separation anxiety during this trip . ) But it didn 't matter , she fussed a little bit , that is until Nana got moving . We found geese that were hanging around people that were feeding them , so we took a look . The girls were fascinated . There were a couple that thought Thing 2 's toes were yummy , but Nana wasn 't going to let those pretty little toes get nipped at . Then came Big Brother to check out the geese , too . A lovely family gave us some of their bread to feed the geese , so Big Brother got busy . He thought it was all fun and games until the same one that thought Thing 1 's toes looked yummy thought he looked yummy too . " Mommy , it 's going to eat me ! " , he shouted as he hid behind me . After an hour or so , the humidity was too much so we rested and had drinks . I guess Thing 1 was hungry , she started eating the string of my hat . Daddy found the whole thing amusing and very cute , so here we are . Daddy was present by the way . But I only got a picture of him looking lazy and playing with his cell phone . We don 't want the kids looking at this blog 15 years from now thinking their Daddy is lazy , now do we . : - ) We are at the hubby 's parents right now spending the weekend . We took the drive on Friday afternoon just in time for everyone 's nap . There is something remarkable about this trip , since it 's the first time Thing 1 's car seat faces forward . We were re - shuffling everyone to maximize the space in the minivan and ended with Thing 2 and I in the middle row , and Thing 1 and Big bro in the 3rd row ( with Thing 1 directly behind me ) . But I couldn 't get back of my seat upright . Thing 1 's car seat was take too much room . Then we decided to turn her car seat forward , but not before we weighed her though . By our scale , she weighed in at 20 . 5 lbs . With the car seat facing forward , there was plenty of room for me to stretch my legs ! Thing 2 had to remain rear facing though . Daddy kept teasing me about breaking down about this momentous event . He reminded me of the one lowly tear I shed when our son was able to use a public high - chair for the first time when he was four months old . Our lower level AC conked out on us on Tuesday . It was blowing air , but it wasn 't cold . I thought it was a good idea to keep it running , thinking that at least it was circulating the air . But apparently , that wasn 't the best thing to do as it only made the house humid . The AC repairman could drop by that afternoon but gave me a 5 hour window . That wasn 't going to work since I had to go and pick up the little man from school . So it was not until last night that it got fixed . In the meantime , we spent a lot of time upstairs in the master bedroom . Let me just say that the twins knew instantly that there was not a play yard enclosing them . And with big brother in the mix , it was a free for all apparently . Big brother and I were sitting on the couch reading a bed time story , Thing 1 was busy inspecting corners she hadn 't been into before , and Thing 2 was busy eating any lint or hair she could find on the floor . Big brother was working on his milk but left it on top of something , and Thing 1 found it a short moment later . She put it in her mouth and loved the chocolate milk . There was a big outcry from Big brother when he saw it , " That 's my milk ! ! " he says . He runs over to Thing 1 and grabs the sippy cup . " You 're not my best friend , Katie ! " , he says and cries some more . When I was sure Big brother wasn 't going to strangle Thing 1 , I go and run over to Thing 2 to stop her from eating a big knot of hair from the carpet ( ew ! ) . After a few minutes of quiet , I return to reading the book . A few seconds later , I see Thing 1 found Big brother 's sippy cup again . I look over at Thing 2 and she 's crawling towards another piece of lint , or hair , or whatever it was only she could see . Oi ! Daddy walks in on us an says , " This is why we have the play yard . " Yay , Daddy is home ! ! The bangles that the girls wore the other day are beautiful . They were all but forgotten while we were at therapy ( but that could be because of the animal cookies they were too busy stuffing in their faces ) . But that afternoon , I noticed that the short chain that connects the 2 edges of the bangle were just dangling on Thing 1 . I checked it out and the link that connected it to the bangle was gone . ( Momentary panic set in at this time . ) I shoved my forefinger and thumb in Thing 1 's mouth ( I usually just use my pinky , but desperate time calls for desperate measures . Who cares if my fingers were bigger than her mouth ! ) and started the sweep . AHA , there it was . So , adieu pretty bangles . The girls can have you back when they have their own chitlins to panic over . Well , maybe not that long . After all , you 're the first piece of jewelry they ever had ( thanks to some very thoughtful relatives ) . Thing 1 and Thing 2 are sporting boy 's clothing today . It seems only boys ' clothing are ever long enough to cover their knees to afford a little protection when crawling . But no worries , I think the butterfly hair clip and the bangle more than brings their feminine charm . Peek - a - boo , I see you ! ( Thing 2 ) ET phones home . I do hope she 's getting a good reception . ( Thing 1 ) The little man was constantly asking to see fireworks all day long , and thankfully I was able to find one that was rescheduled yesterday evening at 9 : 15 . I didn 't want to raise his hopes again , so I cautioned that if there was a storm , there wouldn 't be any fireworks . But thankfully , though the clouds were cloudy and there were a few rumbles of thunder , it stayed dry . We packed up the kiddies and went the little man 's 2nd fireworks ever . ( His first was at Disney World when he was 18 months old ) . He was so excited , he couldn 't contain himself . We watched from the Target parking lot , which worked out really well . We got there early so we were able to read some bedtime stories . When the the fireworks started , Thing2 's eyes grew as big as a silver dollar , and Thing1 looked ready to throw a humongous wail . But Daddy stayed in the car with them and they calmed down holding onto his hands . We had a late night , but fortunately , for once in this little boy 's life , he woke up late at 8am allowing us to sleep in a bit longer . Someone 's hair was getting too long . With him overheating all the time , we thought it was finally time to just shave it all off . Well , OK , it was ME who thought it should all go . I gave fair warning to Daddy that the little man was ready for his haircut , but it took him a few minutes before he joined the party . When he walked in on me , I was using the 1 - inch hair attachment on the top of the little man 's head . " I want the top long ! " , Daddy said . Um , you should have ran up here when I called you . Here is the big boy modeling his new do . Thing2 and Thing1 hangs out with Big Bro . Had we made it out to the water park today , this is what the girls would have looked like . The hat is from LandsEnd , but I only got the pink because apparently , they ran out of the white . So for the past week , I went from store after store to find another similar sun hat , but couldn 't find one . Finally , I phoned LandsEnd and just ordered whatever color they had . I ended up with a red one , shipped super fast for free ! Gotta love the costumer service there ! I took the picture and Thing2 ended up squinting because of the flash . And after that , she just kept on doing her squinty face . Notice her 4 huge upper teeth and the 2 on the bottom . Gotta love Thing2 's many silly faces . Thing1 displays her lovely swimsuit . She 's been playing with her tongue for the past several days like that . She has the same amount of teeth Thing1 has , but you wouldn 't know it since she 's always hanging out her tongue ! Thing2 discoveres the sexy back hole ! Hers have one too . Thing2 now gets fascinated by her sister 's hat . Did she want to wear the red one instead ? Since Thing1 was feverish last night , we decided that it would be better to let her rest and stay home . So Daddy stayed home with the girls , and I took Big Bro to the water park . Big Bro had an absolute blast . He actually tired a grown up enclosed slide . We weren 't allowed to go together , so I went first so that I could get him right when he came out . It was dark , it was fast , and water just sprayed all over my face . Good thing I had the little man wear his goggles . As he emerged from the slide , he was almost turned over to his belly and had a slightly scared look on his face . I asked him how it was , and he said he got scared and the water went in his mouth . I reassured him that he was so brave for trying a grown up slide , but he didn 't have to do it again . After that , we just enjoyed getting wet , getting splashed , and splashing people . I was able to get him out of there with the promise of seeing the fireworks tonight , but that ended up being a bust . Right at 5pm , a severe thunderstorm rolled in . By 6pm , it was clearing out , so we left the house by 7pm to watch the county firework show . By the time we emerged from our neighborhood , there were branches dangling off of trees , in the middle of the road , and some crews reparing power lines . Surely it wasn 't that bad ? So off we went to our destination , only to find out that the fireworks was cancelled because of the damage the storm caused . Of course the little man wasn 't too happy about it , so we ended up doing a detour to the ice cream shop before heading back home . I am hoping the county will reschedule the fireworks tomorrow . I am a SAHM , wife of 16 years and mother to a 4 kids ( crazy , I know ! ) My eldest is a 7 - year old boy , followed by 5 year old identical twin girls , and the youngest is a boy ( born 4 / 2010 ) . My house is messy and loud . I try to keep sane by ignoring the house work to have some time for myself . |
I had finally reached my breaking point and I no longer wanted to tease Rebound . I didn 't want him thinking that I was in love with him when I didn 't even like him . He was already planning our lives for when he got back . He tells me that he had just bought a car in Vegas and it was cheaper for him to fly home instead of driving . He decided that we would take a vacation together in a couple of weeks . A road trip . We 'll drive my car over to Vegas and then drive both cars back . All I could hear was I want you to pay for a road trip so I can get my car . Oh yeah , I want you to pay to drive my car back home too . I was done . I took some time off from work and drove over to Krystal 's apartment . We decided that we would just end it over the phone . He was waiting for me to call him back and give him an answer about the road trip . I had already said no , but he was giving me time to think about it some more . My answer was still no , hell no . We didn 't really have a plan for what we were going to do . We just sat down together and I handed her my phone . It 's amazing how I can never get him to answer the phone when I want to talk to him , but he will answer immediately if he wants something . Krystal used my phone to call him and he answered . And then he hung up . I didn 't realize that he would be such a wimp about it . As soon as he heard Krystal 's voice , he hung up . She gave me the phone back and I tried calling him this time . He didn 't answer . She tried calling on her phone and still he didn 't answer . I sent him a text message asking him why he hung up on me . His response , you didn 't call me . I acted as if I didn 't know what he was talking about . This was true , kinda . Krystal told me that he wanted it to be just the two of them , but she wouldn 't go . He asked Hood for a ride and then asked her to join them . The three of them rode to Atlanta together , but Rebound focused on her completely . And Hood was not her man . This I already knew . I 've known Hood as long as I 've known Krys . He has always been there . While I 'm having this text conversation with him , Krystal is also having a conversation with him . She was giving him the full force of her temper ( not a pretty sight ) and he was still trying to get with me . He was trying to calm her down at the same time . We let him think that we had run into each other while I was out to lunch . Silence . Yes , this was the best part for me . He stopped talking to Krystal too . Planning his next move . I didn 't say anything else . I just waited for him to come up with the lie he was going to use . I knew that he wouldn 't just walk away . He wanted something from me and he was going to keep working me until he got it . So his next move was to blame me . Make me feel guilty . Wrong choice . I already knew that he was a lying SOB . But now with the help of my dear cousin , I knew that he was the worst level of SOB . Damn , men make me stupid sometimes . Me : She family . Why would she lie to me ? I 'd tell her momma . ( I would too . Well , not her momma , her grandmomma . Very intimidating . ) He had this habit of changing his phone number every couple of months . He was running away from something . Probably a woman , but it could be anything . He changed his number again when he went to Vegas . He was out of touch for a while , but when he wanted something from me he calls to give me his number . Krystal had his new number , therefore he had to give it to her . In fact , she had it before me . She was the first one to give it to me . Because she already gave it to me I recognized the number when he finally called . Again , this was true . Krystal said she wouldn 't let him touch her . She was not his woman and he had no right to touch her . She thought that he was still with his highschool sweetheart and she wasn 't about to be his girl on the side . She told him that if he could prove that he wasn 't with her then they could have something . He hadn 't been able to prove it . He couldn 't invite Krystal over to " his " place cause it was mine . He wasn 't with her , but he was with me . He sure tried his best to get in her pants though . I read some of the messages . I let Krys know that she wasn 't missing out on anything . It was better back in highschool . This was about the time Krystal sent him the text about the laptop . Something like your ass need to stop lying and give cuz back her laptop . You know you got it . I know you got it . He had some legal issues and was currently on probation . He never told me this . I found this out from Ty . Ty ran a background check on him and gave me her findings . He was just like my ex , other than the beating on me . But according to his background check he had been arrested for beating on the girl he was living with . Damn . I sure can pick ' em . The point is , he didn 't need me pressing charges against him . His ass would go right back to jail . He kept on trying to convince me to forgive him . He even had the nerve to try to convince me to get him a plane ticket so we could talk about it . How difficult is it to understand that I do not want to talk about it ? I 've made up my mind . I didn 't respond . I didn 't respond to any of his texts or phone calls for over a week . He finally stopped trying . At least for a little while . I figured that he would just stay in Vegas , but something was drawing him back here . I don 't know how he did it , but he did make his way back to town . I haven 't seen him , but he calls every now and then to tell me that he loves me . He knows that he was wrong , but he 's saved now . He is ready to truly be with me . Krystal and I have a good laugh over this . He tells her the same thing . I was able to move on from Rebound with no problem . I deserve better than that and I know this . My judgement about men still isn 't all that great , but at least I 'm free from Daniel and Rebound . Kinda . Daniel is still a pain in the ass . I can 't be completely rid of him because of our child , but dammit I wish he would just disappear . The other men in my life find it so easy to disappear . I need that to rub off on him . So that 's the story of Rebound . A part of it anyway . There 's other crap that went on , but nothing as bad as I 've already told you . And no , I never got my laptop back . I 'm just going through life , minding my own business when I get a message on my Facebook account from my cousin . At that time Bobbie and I didn 't really know each other . I remember seeing her at the hospital a few months back and we caught up with each other a bit . We didn 't even exchange phone numbers or anything , just polite conversation . When I got the message I thought that maybe she sent it to the wrong person . It was just a short one , " I need to talk to you about something . Call Me . " She left her phone number . I called her and she asked me if I knew Rebound . Yeah , I did . I asked her why ? She didn 't tell me . She wanted to know if we were dating . No , we weren 't . Not yet . He had been chasing me for a little while , but I was still playing hard to get . I was interested , oh yeah , but he had other female issues that I wasn 't comfortable with . I told Bobbie that I was not dating him . Once again I asked why . She told me . They had been dating , but weren 't anymore . He was a good for nothing SOB that stole her laptop . Oh , wow . I wasn 't expecting that . Damn . That shit was uncool . This ass was actually trying to get with me while he was with my cuz . What the fuck ? Oh hell no . That was not going to work for me . I told Bobbie what was going on , which wasn 't much of anything . I had just gotten back a couple of days before from taking him to Atlanta . That was how she figured it out . She was just going through her friends on FB and noticed my recent posts . They matched up to things that she knew was going on with Rebound . Hell , my last post was " In ATL with the babe . Spending some quality time before he goes off to Vegas . " I knew something wasn 't quite right about Rebound . He told me that he was no longer with the crazy girl , but he wasn 't clear about where he was staying with me . I thought that maybe he was still with her , but I was wrong . Bobbie set me straight on that . That SOB was one hell of a liar , but not a good one according to cuz . I had gotten my hopes up . He told me that he was working at a law firm as a paralegal and making decent money . He had a nice car and a nice place . All lies . He stayed in a nice house , but it was Bobbie 's house , not his . He had a car , but it was a piece of shit . Hell , I drove us around more than he did . I even knew where my cousin lived because I had dropped him off there one night when we had went out to play pool . I was starting to fall hard for him and he was just another good for nothing lying jackass . Hearing all this from Bobbie was a bit of a shock . She always seems so cool and in charge and her life is perfect , but that was wrong too . She told me about Daniel and then some more about Rebound . She 's just a woman , like me , and she had been taken advantage of . I hate that . Bobbie is good people , more importantly , she 's family . Bobbie told me that she wasn 't trying to keep me from seeing Rebound . I could see who ever I wanted to , but she wanted me to be cautious . He has proven not to be trustworthy and she didn 't want me to let him get too close and have him take all my shit . Oh no , Cuzzo . This punk ass man has messed with the wrong family . I was going to keep talking to him and let him think that I was eagerly waiting for him to come back home . Once he got back to town I was going to get cuz back her laptop . I was also thinking that I would get Hood and his boys to beat the shit out of him . Yeah , that sounded like a plan . Bobbie told me that she did not think that Rebound was coming back . I thought that he was . Every time I spoke with him he talked about what he was going to do when he got back . I was still certain that he was going to return after his one week trip turned into a two month trip . He never once said that he was going to stay in Vegas . He was having some money trouble , which I 'm certain was true , and he just needed to get up the cost for a plane ticket or at least gas money . He was planning on buying a car and just driving it back . ( I know , that makes no sense , but that 's what he said . ) Bobbie thought that he was trying to get me to play for a plane ticket . She had done that for him once before . I didn 't have no money to be buying his ass a ticket . I wouldn 't have done it even if I did have the cash . A couple of weeks into his trip he started calling Bobbie again . He was giving her those " Baby I love you and I can 't wait for us to be together " stories . She called me the second she got the first text from him . We agreed that she would pretend to miss him and want him back . He was either going to her or me first when he got back into town . We were just trying to get that laptop back . Bobbie kept their conversations to a minimum cause they made her sick to her stomach . It was funny . He would text her and she would forward me the messages and I would do the same . He would lie and lie and we knew about it . He was a damn fool . We had to be careful about what we said to him . We couldn 't let it slip that we knew he was full of shit . We both dropped hints every now and then about family . lol . Bobbie told him that they could have a cook out when he got back . It could be a party . She had a cousin that she wanted him to meet . We both got tired of playing along with him waiting for him to come back . Bobbie said that she couldn 't pretend to be nice to him anymore . It was making her physically ill . She could do without her laptop . She would rather never see him again . Ok , I could go for that . But he made it clear to us both that he was coming back . He wouldn 't give either one of us a date , but he was going to be back . He tried to get Bobbie to buy him a plane ticket , but she refused . Told him that if he woulda paid her back for the last ticket like he was supposed to then she woulda had the money for a ticket , but he didn 't pay her back and she was broke . Bobbie tried her best to hold out until he got back , but she finally reached her breaking point . She made it clear that she was still upset with him and didn 't think that she could just jump right back into a relationship with him . He still denied taking the laptop . I know for a fact that he has it because he let me use it when we went to Atlanta . Anyway , he told her that he understood and that they could take things slow . She let him know that he did not have a place in her house and that 's when he started to lay it on thick . He was in love and wanted to marry her as soon as he got home . She listened to that BS without bursting into laughter . While he was proposing to my cuz over the phone he was professing his love to me as well . His lease was just about up on his place and it would be a great time for us to move in together . We were meant to be together . I countered with the fact that my lease was just about up too and I would just rather we stayed at his place since it was so much bigger than mine . He didn 't like that , but couldn 't explain why he would want to stay at my small apartment when he had such a big house . Bobbie got fed up and she didn 't want to play games with him anymore . It was time to end it . She could just get her a new laptop when she had the money . She already had an older one at home that still worked fine . The laptop that Rebound took was actually one of those netbooks . She loved that little thing and hated to let it go , but letting it go was preferrable to possibly being in the same room with Rebound again . It was time for the two of us to end things with Rebound . Just calling him up and telling him wasn 't good enough . We wanted to make him sweat . And that 's exactly what we did . Good times , oh yes . Check back for the rest of the story . Rebound was my best friend in high school . Looking back on it , I realize that he wasn 't the great guy that I remember him being . My vision on it all was a bit cloudy . He was my closest friend and I spent a lot of time with him , but I didn 't really know him as well as I thought I did . Of course , there were clues , but I ignored all that . The biggest clue of all should 've been the way he played with my emotions . He was my friend and I expected nothing more than that . Throughout majority of our friendship he was dating the same girl . I didn 't like her , but I had my reasons and they were valid . But he was in love and I figured I would let him make his own mistakes . She didn 't like me either . And then there was the fact that I was sleeping with her man . I 'm not actually sure how that came to be , but it happened . A few times . And it was great , and I fell head over heels . Stupid . He was my friend , but he never attempted to become more than that , other than the occasional sex . So life goes on . He graduates and goes into the military and moves away . I basically never hear from him again after his last visit home . His mom passed away that year and he had no more family in the area . Sure , I thought about him from time to time and wondered how he was doing , but that was it . And then one day I get a friend request from Facebook and it his him . OMG . Talk about excited . I accepted and it was like all this time never passed . He was the same guy I could talk to about anything . And dammit , he had moved back into the city . This was during the end of my relationship with Daniel . Rebound was there for me to vent to . I told him the things that I didn 't tell Ty . He was supportive through it all and made it clear that he wanted me out of that relationship . He said it was going to end badly and he didn 't want me hurt or worse . I knew this was true , but how was I going to support my kids on my own ? I never had time to think about it . Daniel attacked me one day with a knife and it was over . I had my cell phone in my hand and called 911 as soon as I realized the fight was getting out of hand . The police were the ones to get him out of the house . I never let him back in . That was a horrible day . I cried all over Ty and Rebound came by later and I cried all over him and then some . Huge mistake . What do I end up doing ? I jump from a relationship with Daniel into a kinda relationship with Rebound . I forgot to mention he was back in the city , but he was also back with her , his high school sweetheart . He made up all sorts of excuses about how it was convenient and they weren 't even close anymore . He wanted out , but needed to make sure she would be able to support herself first . She had three children ( none of which were his ) and just one job . I was just fresh out of my relationship and unsure of where I was going so this was okay for me , for a while anyway . He was still there for me to talk to and he would visit every now and then . I was okay . But things started changing . He didn 't call anymore and had little time to talk to me . He was lying to me and I was catching him at it . He wasn 't very good at it . I was getting a very bad feeling about him and Ty was like " forget his ass " . But this was the guy that I was so close to at one point in time and I started making excuses for him myself . He was a damn jerk towards me but then he would plan these great weekends for us . Took me a while to realize that I was paying for most of it myself . Stupid . I had started to get smart and I stopped calling him . It was time to move on and I tried my best . I started dating other people . Went on a few dates here and there . He would call me every few days asking me why I was ignoring him . Gave me a sense of power . I liked it . But I was sure there was no future for us and I needed to just forget about him . And then he shocked the hell out of me . He dumped the girl . ( Now that I 've gotten to know him better , I 'm thinking she kicked him out . ) So he ended up staying with me for a while . Stupid again . He wasn 't there long . When I let him move in he told me that he had planned on leaving . He wanted to be with me , but he needed to go visit with his son for a little while . His son lives in Nevada with his mother and it 's been a while since he was able to visit with him . Story sounded okay , but it rubbed me the wrong way . The couple of weeks he was with me were okay . He already knew my kids and they got along great . But he definitely didn 't act like a man who wanted to be with me . He went out most nights and came back only after I was asleep . He booked a flight to Nevada on his own . I questioned the trip . I didn 't know how he was going to get there and I was not going to be out of pocket anything . His place of employment had closed down so he had been without a job for a couple of months . No , I wasn 't supporting him other than giving him a place to stay . But he planned his trip and he was real excited about it . He packed his things . And when he packed , he packed everything . He wasn 't coming back . I was certain . He said otherwise , but I knew he was lying . I figured he was just trying to get back with his baby 's momma . He tried sneaking off when he finally left , but that didn 't work . He actually tried leaving without telling me . He had tried to get me to take him to Atlanta , cause that was where he wanted to fly out of . I refused . I was in no mood to finance a trip to Atlanta . He tells me that he thought I didn 't care so he was just leaving . He found a ride and they were ready to leave right then . I should 've paid more attention when I told him good - bye . He left my house and took my laptop with him . Talk about pissed . He tried convincing me that he didn 't take it and it was still at the house , but I know where I keep my things and so do my children . It was definitely over . I wanted nothing else to do with him . But FB brought him right back into my life . Turns out there was another female that he was courting . I wouldn 't have cared , but dammit , it was my cousin . Yep , I can really pick ' em . Stay tuned for my next post for the rest of the story . Krystal is gonna help out with it too . Hi all , my name is Krystal and I 'm new to this blog . I 've known about this blog since Bobbie first starting posting on it . She told me about it and I checked it out . I found out quite a bit about my cuz that I didn 't know . Shocker . It 's true that we were never really close before we ended up with roles in the soap opera she calls Rebound , but we are family . Usually you hear things about what 's going on with everyone else . You didn 't really hear a lot about Bobbie though . We are from different branches of the family . My side is more vocal and I guess " ghetto " . Not me though , of course not . Bobbie 's side is very conservative . About me . I 'm 25 years old . I work as a LPN at the hospital . I 'm single , no children , living on my own . You would think things would be easy for me , but hell no . I find myself struggling alot and Bobbie has helped me out some , but she is having a hard time now too . I trying to make improvements to my life and going back to school is the first step for me . Bobbie has helped me there . She 's actually been really great to me and I 'm thankful , but I need to grow up and do some things on my own . I grew up in a very confused household . My parents were never married . My dad has not ever been a large part of my life . I do know who he is and he does know who I am , but we just don 't talk . My mom wasn 't a large part of my early years either . She had me young and had things that she wanted to do with her life and my grandmother took up the responsibility of raising me . She is the woman I call Momma . Most people believe that she is the woman who gave birth to me , but no she did not . In fact , she gave birth to my Uncle Joe three months before I was born . Yep , my uncle and I are the same age . Things were tight with money growing up and I wanted better than that when I finally became a grown up . That has not exactly happened yet . I 'm not struggling so much that I 'm begging for help , but things are hard . It 's my fault too . I think that since I 'm not raising kids that I can spend my money on whatever I want . I can , but bills gotta be paid too . Shopping is just too addicting . I like going out with my girls too and you can 't always depend on guys to pay your way . I 'm dating , nothing serious yet . I do believe in true love , but not sure if it 's for me . I didn 't grow up around that . My Momma was a single mother . My mom was too when she got her act together , so is my aunt and majority of the women on my side of the family . I 'm not used to having a good man in my life or around my family . Honestly , I don 't believe that they exist . Just use them for what they are good for and let them move on cause they are going to anyway . Bobbie tells me that this is wrong . Good men are out there , they are just hiding and you have to find them . She is on her little hunt now and tells me that I 'm on my hunt as well . I don 't agree . I 'm not looking for a man , I don 't think . Yes , I like male attention and enjoying spending time with them , but don 't think that married life is for me . There is one man in my life that I find trustworthy , for the most part . I 'm gonna call him Hood , well everybody calls him Hood . He 's not your average hood boy , but likes to think that he is . He is also my best friend . We grew up together . He started out being friends with my Uncle Joe but I was always there that we became friends too . There has never been anything romantic between the two of us and I have never wanted there to be . He 's just a good guy that is there when I need him . And I 'm there for him when he needs me , which is a lot . I 'm the one who has to get these hos out his life when they get out of hand . But he my boy and I can do that . That 's me , like my road sign says . Bobbie makes those by the way . Ty and I tell her what our posts are going to be about and she comes up with those little signs for us . I think they cute . She tends to go overboard with stuff though . Love her , but she gonna wear herself out . I think I 'm gonna help her with that . The least I can do . This blog was intended as an outlet for Ty and myself . Ty was all excited about it in the preparation stage , but now that the blog is up and running she has gotten nervous about actually posting . She 's not running away , but she 's not as active as we intended . Ty and I are the best of friends and we share everything with each other , but we are not the only people that we talk with . I don 't hide my problems from everyone , but I don 't make them public either . I have noticed that there are ladies everywhere that have similar issues to my own . It 's so easy talking to people who know exactly what you are going through or have a part in it in some way . Krystal , our new author , is my cousin . We are a few years apart in age and we didn 't acutally know each other that well until about a year ago . True , we were aware of each other , we 're family , but other than family reunions we didn 't spend a lot of time together . And then something , no , someone happened . Krystal actually plays a big part in the play that was Rebound . It 's one hell of a story and we will tell it soon . Krystal is different than Ty and I . She has never been in a serious relationship and for the most part enjoys being single . I can 't tell you much other than that . I 'll leave it for her to tell . Krystal has been making changes in her life as well and men play a big part . Krystal is also an active blogger anyway and actually asked me if she could be a guest blogger . I 've thought it over and decided to make her a permanent member of the blog . Yes , I talked it over with Ty and she agreed . Krystal and I have gotten fairly close over this past year and actually have regular date on Thursday nights . She comes over and I make us some drinks . We usually vent about our week and tell about our weekend plans . I usually don 't have any , but she always does . Yeah , I get jealous sometimes . |
I had finally reached my breaking point and I no longer wanted to tease Rebound . I didn 't want him thinking that I was in love with him when I didn 't even like him . He was already planning our lives for when he got back . He tells me that he had just bought a car in Vegas and it was cheaper for him to fly home instead of driving . He decided that we would take a vacation together in a couple of weeks . A road trip . We 'll drive my car over to Vegas and then drive both cars back . All I could hear was I want you to pay for a road trip so I can get my car . Oh yeah , I want you to pay to drive my car back home too . I was done . I took some time off from work and drove over to Krystal 's apartment . We decided that we would just end it over the phone . He was waiting for me to call him back and give him an answer about the road trip . I had already said no , but he was giving me time to think about it some more . My answer was still no , hell no . We didn 't really have a plan for what we were going to do . We just sat down together and I handed her my phone . It 's amazing how I can never get him to answer the phone when I want to talk to him , but he will answer immediately if he wants something . Krystal used my phone to call him and he answered . And then he hung up . I didn 't realize that he would be such a wimp about it . As soon as he heard Krystal 's voice , he hung up . She gave me the phone back and I tried calling him this time . He didn 't answer . She tried calling on her phone and still he didn 't answer . I sent him a text message asking him why he hung up on me . His response , you didn 't call me . I acted as if I didn 't know what he was talking about . This was true , kinda . Krystal told me that he wanted it to be just the two of them , but she wouldn 't go . He asked Hood for a ride and then asked her to join them . The three of them rode to Atlanta together , but Rebound focused on her completely . And Hood was not her man . This I already knew . I 've known Hood as long as I 've known Krys . He has always been there . While I 'm having this text conversation with him , Krystal is also having a conversation with him . She was giving him the full force of her temper ( not a pretty sight ) and he was still trying to get with me . He was trying to calm her down at the same time . We let him think that we had run into each other while I was out to lunch . Silence . Yes , this was the best part for me . He stopped talking to Krystal too . Planning his next move . I didn 't say anything else . I just waited for him to come up with the lie he was going to use . I knew that he wouldn 't just walk away . He wanted something from me and he was going to keep working me until he got it . So his next move was to blame me . Make me feel guilty . Wrong choice . I already knew that he was a lying SOB . But now with the help of my dear cousin , I knew that he was the worst level of SOB . Damn , men make me stupid sometimes . Me : She family . Why would she lie to me ? I 'd tell her momma . ( I would too . Well , not her momma , her grandmomma . Very intimidating . ) He had this habit of changing his phone number every couple of months . He was running away from something . Probably a woman , but it could be anything . He changed his number again when he went to Vegas . He was out of touch for a while , but when he wanted something from me he calls to give me his number . Krystal had his new number , therefore he had to give it to her . In fact , she had it before me . She was the first one to give it to me . Because she already gave it to me I recognized the number when he finally called . Again , this was true . Krystal said she wouldn 't let him touch her . She was not his woman and he had no right to touch her . She thought that he was still with his highschool sweetheart and she wasn 't about to be his girl on the side . She told him that if he could prove that he wasn 't with her then they could have something . He hadn 't been able to prove it . He couldn 't invite Krystal over to " his " place cause it was mine . He wasn 't with her , but he was with me . He sure tried his best to get in her pants though . I read some of the messages . I let Krys know that she wasn 't missing out on anything . It was better back in highschool . This was about the time Krystal sent him the text about the laptop . Something like your ass need to stop lying and give cuz back her laptop . You know you got it . I know you got it . He had some legal issues and was currently on probation . He never told me this . I found this out from Ty . Ty ran a background check on him and gave me her findings . He was just like my ex , other than the beating on me . But according to his background check he had been arrested for beating on the girl he was living with . Damn . I sure can pick ' em . The point is , he didn 't need me pressing charges against him . His ass would go right back to jail . He kept on trying to convince me to forgive him . He even had the nerve to try to convince me to get him a plane ticket so we could talk about it . How difficult is it to understand that I do not want to talk about it ? I 've made up my mind . I didn 't respond . I didn 't respond to any of his texts or phone calls for over a week . He finally stopped trying . At least for a little while . I figured that he would just stay in Vegas , but something was drawing him back here . I don 't know how he did it , but he did make his way back to town . I haven 't seen him , but he calls every now and then to tell me that he loves me . He knows that he was wrong , but he 's saved now . He is ready to truly be with me . Krystal and I have a good laugh over this . He tells her the same thing . I was able to move on from Rebound with no problem . I deserve better than that and I know this . My judgement about men still isn 't all that great , but at least I 'm free from Daniel and Rebound . Kinda . Daniel is still a pain in the ass . I can 't be completely rid of him because of our child , but dammit I wish he would just disappear . The other men in my life find it so easy to disappear . I need that to rub off on him . So that 's the story of Rebound . A part of it anyway . There 's other crap that went on , but nothing as bad as I 've already told you . And no , I never got my laptop back . I 'm just going through life , minding my own business when I get a message on my Facebook account from my cousin . At that time Bobbie and I didn 't really know each other . I remember seeing her at the hospital a few months back and we caught up with each other a bit . We didn 't even exchange phone numbers or anything , just polite conversation . When I got the message I thought that maybe she sent it to the wrong person . It was just a short one , " I need to talk to you about something . Call Me . " She left her phone number . I called her and she asked me if I knew Rebound . Yeah , I did . I asked her why ? She didn 't tell me . She wanted to know if we were dating . No , we weren 't . Not yet . He had been chasing me for a little while , but I was still playing hard to get . I was interested , oh yeah , but he had other female issues that I wasn 't comfortable with . I told Bobbie that I was not dating him . Once again I asked why . She told me . They had been dating , but weren 't anymore . He was a good for nothing SOB that stole her laptop . Oh , wow . I wasn 't expecting that . Damn . That shit was uncool . This ass was actually trying to get with me while he was with my cuz . What the fuck ? Oh hell no . That was not going to work for me . I told Bobbie what was going on , which wasn 't much of anything . I had just gotten back a couple of days before from taking him to Atlanta . That was how she figured it out . She was just going through her friends on FB and noticed my recent posts . They matched up to things that she knew was going on with Rebound . Hell , my last post was " In ATL with the babe . Spending some quality time before he goes off to Vegas . " I knew something wasn 't quite right about Rebound . He told me that he was no longer with the crazy girl , but he wasn 't clear about where he was staying with me . I thought that maybe he was still with her , but I was wrong . Bobbie set me straight on that . That SOB was one hell of a liar , but not a good one according to cuz . I had gotten my hopes up . He told me that he was working at a law firm as a paralegal and making decent money . He had a nice car and a nice place . All lies . He stayed in a nice house , but it was Bobbie 's house , not his . He had a car , but it was a piece of shit . Hell , I drove us around more than he did . I even knew where my cousin lived because I had dropped him off there one night when we had went out to play pool . I was starting to fall hard for him and he was just another good for nothing lying jackass . Hearing all this from Bobbie was a bit of a shock . She always seems so cool and in charge and her life is perfect , but that was wrong too . She told me about Daniel and then some more about Rebound . She 's just a woman , like me , and she had been taken advantage of . I hate that . Bobbie is good people , more importantly , she 's family . Bobbie told me that she wasn 't trying to keep me from seeing Rebound . I could see who ever I wanted to , but she wanted me to be cautious . He has proven not to be trustworthy and she didn 't want me to let him get too close and have him take all my shit . Oh no , Cuzzo . This punk ass man has messed with the wrong family . I was going to keep talking to him and let him think that I was eagerly waiting for him to come back home . Once he got back to town I was going to get cuz back her laptop . I was also thinking that I would get Hood and his boys to beat the shit out of him . Yeah , that sounded like a plan . Bobbie told me that she did not think that Rebound was coming back . I thought that he was . Every time I spoke with him he talked about what he was going to do when he got back . I was still certain that he was going to return after his one week trip turned into a two month trip . He never once said that he was going to stay in Vegas . He was having some money trouble , which I 'm certain was true , and he just needed to get up the cost for a plane ticket or at least gas money . He was planning on buying a car and just driving it back . ( I know , that makes no sense , but that 's what he said . ) Bobbie thought that he was trying to get me to play for a plane ticket . She had done that for him once before . I didn 't have no money to be buying his ass a ticket . I wouldn 't have done it even if I did have the cash . A couple of weeks into his trip he started calling Bobbie again . He was giving her those " Baby I love you and I can 't wait for us to be together " stories . She called me the second she got the first text from him . We agreed that she would pretend to miss him and want him back . He was either going to her or me first when he got back into town . We were just trying to get that laptop back . Bobbie kept their conversations to a minimum cause they made her sick to her stomach . It was funny . He would text her and she would forward me the messages and I would do the same . He would lie and lie and we knew about it . He was a damn fool . We had to be careful about what we said to him . We couldn 't let it slip that we knew he was full of shit . We both dropped hints every now and then about family . lol . Bobbie told him that they could have a cook out when he got back . It could be a party . She had a cousin that she wanted him to meet . We both got tired of playing along with him waiting for him to come back . Bobbie said that she couldn 't pretend to be nice to him anymore . It was making her physically ill . She could do without her laptop . She would rather never see him again . Ok , I could go for that . But he made it clear to us both that he was coming back . He wouldn 't give either one of us a date , but he was going to be back . He tried to get Bobbie to buy him a plane ticket , but she refused . Told him that if he woulda paid her back for the last ticket like he was supposed to then she woulda had the money for a ticket , but he didn 't pay her back and she was broke . Bobbie tried her best to hold out until he got back , but she finally reached her breaking point . She made it clear that she was still upset with him and didn 't think that she could just jump right back into a relationship with him . He still denied taking the laptop . I know for a fact that he has it because he let me use it when we went to Atlanta . Anyway , he told her that he understood and that they could take things slow . She let him know that he did not have a place in her house and that 's when he started to lay it on thick . He was in love and wanted to marry her as soon as he got home . She listened to that BS without bursting into laughter . While he was proposing to my cuz over the phone he was professing his love to me as well . His lease was just about up on his place and it would be a great time for us to move in together . We were meant to be together . I countered with the fact that my lease was just about up too and I would just rather we stayed at his place since it was so much bigger than mine . He didn 't like that , but couldn 't explain why he would want to stay at my small apartment when he had such a big house . Bobbie got fed up and she didn 't want to play games with him anymore . It was time to end it . She could just get her a new laptop when she had the money . She already had an older one at home that still worked fine . The laptop that Rebound took was actually one of those netbooks . She loved that little thing and hated to let it go , but letting it go was preferrable to possibly being in the same room with Rebound again . It was time for the two of us to end things with Rebound . Just calling him up and telling him wasn 't good enough . We wanted to make him sweat . And that 's exactly what we did . Good times , oh yes . Check back for the rest of the story . Rebound was my best friend in high school . Looking back on it , I realize that he wasn 't the great guy that I remember him being . My vision on it all was a bit cloudy . He was my closest friend and I spent a lot of time with him , but I didn 't really know him as well as I thought I did . Of course , there were clues , but I ignored all that . The biggest clue of all should 've been the way he played with my emotions . He was my friend and I expected nothing more than that . Throughout majority of our friendship he was dating the same girl . I didn 't like her , but I had my reasons and they were valid . But he was in love and I figured I would let him make his own mistakes . She didn 't like me either . And then there was the fact that I was sleeping with her man . I 'm not actually sure how that came to be , but it happened . A few times . And it was great , and I fell head over heels . Stupid . He was my friend , but he never attempted to become more than that , other than the occasional sex . So life goes on . He graduates and goes into the military and moves away . I basically never hear from him again after his last visit home . His mom passed away that year and he had no more family in the area . Sure , I thought about him from time to time and wondered how he was doing , but that was it . And then one day I get a friend request from Facebook and it his him . OMG . Talk about excited . I accepted and it was like all this time never passed . He was the same guy I could talk to about anything . And dammit , he had moved back into the city . This was during the end of my relationship with Daniel . Rebound was there for me to vent to . I told him the things that I didn 't tell Ty . He was supportive through it all and made it clear that he wanted me out of that relationship . He said it was going to end badly and he didn 't want me hurt or worse . I knew this was true , but how was I going to support my kids on my own ? I never had time to think about it . Daniel attacked me one day with a knife and it was over . I had my cell phone in my hand and called 911 as soon as I realized the fight was getting out of hand . The police were the ones to get him out of the house . I never let him back in . That was a horrible day . I cried all over Ty and Rebound came by later and I cried all over him and then some . Huge mistake . What do I end up doing ? I jump from a relationship with Daniel into a kinda relationship with Rebound . I forgot to mention he was back in the city , but he was also back with her , his high school sweetheart . He made up all sorts of excuses about how it was convenient and they weren 't even close anymore . He wanted out , but needed to make sure she would be able to support herself first . She had three children ( none of which were his ) and just one job . I was just fresh out of my relationship and unsure of where I was going so this was okay for me , for a while anyway . He was still there for me to talk to and he would visit every now and then . I was okay . But things started changing . He didn 't call anymore and had little time to talk to me . He was lying to me and I was catching him at it . He wasn 't very good at it . I was getting a very bad feeling about him and Ty was like " forget his ass " . But this was the guy that I was so close to at one point in time and I started making excuses for him myself . He was a damn jerk towards me but then he would plan these great weekends for us . Took me a while to realize that I was paying for most of it myself . Stupid . I had started to get smart and I stopped calling him . It was time to move on and I tried my best . I started dating other people . Went on a few dates here and there . He would call me every few days asking me why I was ignoring him . Gave me a sense of power . I liked it . But I was sure there was no future for us and I needed to just forget about him . And then he shocked the hell out of me . He dumped the girl . ( Now that I 've gotten to know him better , I 'm thinking she kicked him out . ) So he ended up staying with me for a while . Stupid again . He wasn 't there long . When I let him move in he told me that he had planned on leaving . He wanted to be with me , but he needed to go visit with his son for a little while . His son lives in Nevada with his mother and it 's been a while since he was able to visit with him . Story sounded okay , but it rubbed me the wrong way . The couple of weeks he was with me were okay . He already knew my kids and they got along great . But he definitely didn 't act like a man who wanted to be with me . He went out most nights and came back only after I was asleep . He booked a flight to Nevada on his own . I questioned the trip . I didn 't know how he was going to get there and I was not going to be out of pocket anything . His place of employment had closed down so he had been without a job for a couple of months . No , I wasn 't supporting him other than giving him a place to stay . But he planned his trip and he was real excited about it . He packed his things . And when he packed , he packed everything . He wasn 't coming back . I was certain . He said otherwise , but I knew he was lying . I figured he was just trying to get back with his baby 's momma . He tried sneaking off when he finally left , but that didn 't work . He actually tried leaving without telling me . He had tried to get me to take him to Atlanta , cause that was where he wanted to fly out of . I refused . I was in no mood to finance a trip to Atlanta . He tells me that he thought I didn 't care so he was just leaving . He found a ride and they were ready to leave right then . I should 've paid more attention when I told him good - bye . He left my house and took my laptop with him . Talk about pissed . He tried convincing me that he didn 't take it and it was still at the house , but I know where I keep my things and so do my children . It was definitely over . I wanted nothing else to do with him . But FB brought him right back into my life . Turns out there was another female that he was courting . I wouldn 't have cared , but dammit , it was my cousin . Yep , I can really pick ' em . Stay tuned for my next post for the rest of the story . Krystal is gonna help out with it too . Hi all , my name is Krystal and I 'm new to this blog . I 've known about this blog since Bobbie first starting posting on it . She told me about it and I checked it out . I found out quite a bit about my cuz that I didn 't know . Shocker . It 's true that we were never really close before we ended up with roles in the soap opera she calls Rebound , but we are family . Usually you hear things about what 's going on with everyone else . You didn 't really hear a lot about Bobbie though . We are from different branches of the family . My side is more vocal and I guess " ghetto " . Not me though , of course not . Bobbie 's side is very conservative . About me . I 'm 25 years old . I work as a LPN at the hospital . I 'm single , no children , living on my own . You would think things would be easy for me , but hell no . I find myself struggling alot and Bobbie has helped me out some , but she is having a hard time now too . I trying to make improvements to my life and going back to school is the first step for me . Bobbie has helped me there . She 's actually been really great to me and I 'm thankful , but I need to grow up and do some things on my own . I grew up in a very confused household . My parents were never married . My dad has not ever been a large part of my life . I do know who he is and he does know who I am , but we just don 't talk . My mom wasn 't a large part of my early years either . She had me young and had things that she wanted to do with her life and my grandmother took up the responsibility of raising me . She is the woman I call Momma . Most people believe that she is the woman who gave birth to me , but no she did not . In fact , she gave birth to my Uncle Joe three months before I was born . Yep , my uncle and I are the same age . Things were tight with money growing up and I wanted better than that when I finally became a grown up . That has not exactly happened yet . I 'm not struggling so much that I 'm begging for help , but things are hard . It 's my fault too . I think that since I 'm not raising kids that I can spend my money on whatever I want . I can , but bills gotta be paid too . Shopping is just too addicting . I like going out with my girls too and you can 't always depend on guys to pay your way . I 'm dating , nothing serious yet . I do believe in true love , but not sure if it 's for me . I didn 't grow up around that . My Momma was a single mother . My mom was too when she got her act together , so is my aunt and majority of the women on my side of the family . I 'm not used to having a good man in my life or around my family . Honestly , I don 't believe that they exist . Just use them for what they are good for and let them move on cause they are going to anyway . Bobbie tells me that this is wrong . Good men are out there , they are just hiding and you have to find them . She is on her little hunt now and tells me that I 'm on my hunt as well . I don 't agree . I 'm not looking for a man , I don 't think . Yes , I like male attention and enjoying spending time with them , but don 't think that married life is for me . There is one man in my life that I find trustworthy , for the most part . I 'm gonna call him Hood , well everybody calls him Hood . He 's not your average hood boy , but likes to think that he is . He is also my best friend . We grew up together . He started out being friends with my Uncle Joe but I was always there that we became friends too . There has never been anything romantic between the two of us and I have never wanted there to be . He 's just a good guy that is there when I need him . And I 'm there for him when he needs me , which is a lot . I 'm the one who has to get these hos out his life when they get out of hand . But he my boy and I can do that . That 's me , like my road sign says . Bobbie makes those by the way . Ty and I tell her what our posts are going to be about and she comes up with those little signs for us . I think they cute . She tends to go overboard with stuff though . Love her , but she gonna wear herself out . I think I 'm gonna help her with that . The least I can do . This blog was intended as an outlet for Ty and myself . Ty was all excited about it in the preparation stage , but now that the blog is up and running she has gotten nervous about actually posting . She 's not running away , but she 's not as active as we intended . Ty and I are the best of friends and we share everything with each other , but we are not the only people that we talk with . I don 't hide my problems from everyone , but I don 't make them public either . I have noticed that there are ladies everywhere that have similar issues to my own . It 's so easy talking to people who know exactly what you are going through or have a part in it in some way . Krystal , our new author , is my cousin . We are a few years apart in age and we didn 't acutally know each other that well until about a year ago . True , we were aware of each other , we 're family , but other than family reunions we didn 't spend a lot of time together . And then something , no , someone happened . Krystal actually plays a big part in the play that was Rebound . It 's one hell of a story and we will tell it soon . Krystal is different than Ty and I . She has never been in a serious relationship and for the most part enjoys being single . I can 't tell you much other than that . I 'll leave it for her to tell . Krystal has been making changes in her life as well and men play a big part . Krystal is also an active blogger anyway and actually asked me if she could be a guest blogger . I 've thought it over and decided to make her a permanent member of the blog . Yes , I talked it over with Ty and she agreed . Krystal and I have gotten fairly close over this past year and actually have regular date on Thursday nights . She comes over and I make us some drinks . We usually vent about our week and tell about our weekend plans . I usually don 't have any , but she always does . Yeah , I get jealous sometimes . |
The youngest time I remember is the time when I was trying to ride a little pony we had . I wasn 't old enough to ride , and I wasn 't allowed to , but one day I had coaxed the pony up to the feed manger with some oats and while she was up there I crawled on her . I wasn 't big enough to get the bridle on her , so I just crawled on her and I rode her out the door and went up the lane with no bridle . Of course , my mother got real excited because I wasn 't old enough to be riding . She had no way of catching the horse and getting it back to the barn . That was my initiation into riding . Even before age six I was already taking the cows and horses to the pasture every day . That required that I get up about 5 a . m . and go down to the pasture below town in the dark . The pasture happened to be right by the railroad tracks where the bums would always come in and spend the night . So , I was always terrified when I got down to the pasture gate . I would sit up where I could rapidly open the gate and get the horses out and get home . It was a terrifying experience for me because I had been sharing a room with my older brother , Owen . I idolized him , but every evening when we were going to sleep he would tell me stories about the bums and about the boogieman that he said was up in the attic of our house . There was a big hole in the closet ceiling and he would scare me to death every night while I was going to sleep . So , that was part of the problem with going down to get the horses . I shared a bedroom with Owen until he got married . We always had an excellent relationship . Our whole family had a good relationship . When Owen left , Eldon started sharing the bedroom with me . We never had a furnace , just a coal stove . It was about as cold inside as it was outside . In the mornings , it could be thirty below . Dad would get up first and start making the fire . But we still had to jump into ice - cold clothes and go down to take care of the cows . Milk the cows , feed the cows , and take care of the horses . Then we would come back for breakfast , which always was one of the biggest meals of the day . We always had cereal first , then bacon and eggs , fruit , and always potatoes . We had potatoes three times a day . We had cooked cereal . We could never afford cold cereal . It was ground wheat that was cooked . The coal stove in the kitchen was used for cooking . There was a stove in the dining room for heating . It burned wood we would cut up . We would go up to the mountains and drag down wood , then cut it up with the saw . But the bedrooms were all cold . There was no heat at all in the bedrooms . We kept those doors closed so that we could heat the dining room . We never even opened the living room . It was kept closed except when we had a party or something . The living room was never furnished until a few years before mother died . On Easter Sunday , we always went to Church in the morning then in the afternoon the kids went up to the mountains to have a cookout . It was always ham . We lived largely on pork . We always slaughtered a couple of pigs each year . We would have a couple of slices of ham and some marshmallows and would take some potatoes and put them right in the fire . That would give them a flavor you don 't get with the tin foil . The potatoes would get a charcoal crust . We would go up into the mountains by the creek and have a fire . Practically the whole town would be up there one time or another . We would always pick wild flowers and take a bouquet of these back to our parents . At the time I lived on the farm , we didn 't have tractors . Everything was done with horses . The plow was a two - bottom plow with six horses . It would take about an hour to get the horses ready to go in the morning . Then it would take another hour to feed the horses at noon . Then it would take another hour at night to take the harness off . We never really had any tractor equipment at all at that time . It was all horse - drawn . To get the hay up in the barn we had one of those forks that would hook into the hay , then we would have a horse on the other end and he would pull the hay from the hay rack up into the barn and drag it across . That 's the way we filled the barn with hay . The hay was all pitched on the wagon by hand . There were no hay loaders . We raked the hay with a horse rake into piles . Then it would all be pitched onto the wagons . This was prior to the time of any mechanization on the farm . I was recognized as one of the best riders in the town . On May Day , which is one of the big celebrations of the year , we would have horse races and potato races . We had a bucket of potatoes and you would take a potato and jump on the horse and ride down a couple of hundred yards , then drop the potato off , and go back and get another one . It got to the place where no one would race me anymore . So we didn 't have any more races . I got to the place where I could stand and ride the horse standing up . At the same time I could use a lariat and catch the back leg of a cow while he was walking and I was standing . I got real good with a lariat , but I never had a saddle . Dad could never afford a saddle , so we would ride bareback and when I would catch a cow , I 'd lose my rope because I couldn 't hold it . Eventually , Owen did get a saddle . We always had at least a couple of cow dogs . One was a cattle dog and one was a Shepard dog . The Shepard dog would go every day with me to get the cows and all I had to do was to hold him high enough so he could see over the hills and see the cows , then he would go out and bring the cows in . I 'd usually be up on the horse or on one of the high hills and he would go out and circle the cows and bring them back in . In the pasture in the springtime , we were close enough to the river that when the river flooded it would bring a lot of the fish up into the pasture . When the water went down , the fish would get trapped in the ponds and we would go down with pitchforks and spear the fish . We would get sacks of fish . We would grind them up so they would be like tuna fish . We 'd also shoot them with . 22 caliber rifles . It was hard to shoot them under the water . You 'd always misgauge it . I think that everyone who grows up on a farm learns responsibility very early . Before I was six years old I had responsibility for feeding the pigs and feeding the chickens . We always had about ten head of calves I had to take water to . At an early age , you learned discipline and responsibility . You learned the consequences if you miss feeding for a day and how important it is that when you agree to do something , you do it . You also learn the need for each other . On a farm you really depend on your family and you are dependent on each other . The whole community is dependent . It becomes a large family . For instance , my brother got sick one year and was in the hospital . The whole community turned out and topped his ten acres of sugar beets . When a person gets sick , he doesn 't lose a second because the whole community is there to help out . It 's the type of thing where you are almost brothers and sisters in a small farming community . You are always helping each other . I spent a lot of time working for my uncle . He had a machine called a binder . At that time , when the wheat was cut , they had a machine that came along and cut it and wrapped a string around it , tying it into bundles . My uncle was the only one who had this machine . My dad was always in debt to him because he cut our wheat for us . So , I spent my life helping my uncle to pay off the bill for binding our wheat . I never did get any money from it , so I somewhat resented it . I did all sorts of work for him . When I did get paid , I got 10 cents a day . Later he raised it up to seventy - five cents a day . That was the most I ever got for a ten hour day . That 's when I was a teenager . To make what little spending money I had I would take cows for Elmer Hancock and he paid me forty cents a week . I started picking up other people 's cows until it got to the place where I was bringing up about two hundred head of dairy cows each evening and distributing them to various people along the road . That got to be quite a thing when you start sorting out those cows at each person 's place . When you come to their place and you drop off their cows , you have to make sure everyone has their cows . This got to be quite a job in itself . That was basically the type of employment we had as youngsters . I had a cousin who I thinned beets for . We got $ 7 to thin an acre of beets . It would take about two days to thin an acre of beets . We were making about $ 3 . 50 a day thinning sugar beets . I also worked on the thresher . I was what they called the water monkey for the thresher crew . A steam engine powered the wheat thresher and I had to haul the water for the steam engine . If I was a little bit late , they would start tooting away on the steam engine 's whistle that they were about out of water and that I had better come quick . The engine burned coal and we had to keep the coal supplied to the engine . I remember one day for May Day we had the May Queen , and the May Queen had her maids , and one of the maids selected me as an escort . I had saved up twenty - five cents and that 's what we could spend on that May Day . That meant we could get some ice cream cones . The ice cream cones were about a nickel . You could get a bottle of pop for a nickel and that was about the size of our date - an ice cream cone and a bottle of pop . Then we would go to the dance in the evening , which was a treat for us . That 's about the type of spending money we had . I was always very attached to my mother . We had a close relationship and I grew accustomed to her being there when I came home from school . I started school at age six . Mother was always there when I came home from school . She always had something there for me to eat . The thing I really liked was cinnamon rolls . I guess I had so many then that I don 't care too much for them now , but I was always waiting for those cinnamon rolls , or whatever she had waiting for me , before I had to get on the horse and go to the field . I always thought a lot of my mother . She had to have the kindling wood brought in to build the fire the next day . I tried to keep the buckets full of coal and I tried to do everything that I could to please her . She always did so many things for me . We were essentially the doctors in the family . Dad didn 't like to doctor animals . He pretended to be busy when anything got sick , so it was always mother and me that had to do the doctoring . One of the mares had a little colt and it was sick and couldn 't get up and dad said , " Well , if you want to take care of it , you can have it . " I got mother and we gave it an enema and I held it up while it nursed and it got better . Then before I went in the Army the horse was big enough to break and work . Dad was a true Danish farmer . He did not know how to play . He got his satisfaction out of working from dawn until dusk . He never relaxed that I would know about . He always put in a hard day 's work and at the end of the day when he would be sitting down at night , he would study for his Sunday school class . He would spend every night getting ready for Sunday school . He was a very quiet person . Dad and I never had any problems . We always got along well . The only time he would relax would be on the Fourth of July . We would always go over to Logan on the Fourth . They had a parade over there and they had all the concessions and a horse show and a dairy show . This one - day of the year was dad 's only splurge . On Saturday afternoons , though , dad and mother would go to shop . Their half a day off was to go to Logan and get the supplies for the next week . The supplies in Mendon were very expensive . So , he did take Saturday afternoon off , but he didn 't let us take it off . So , we kind of had to make up for him taking it off . I remember that our first car was a 1927 Dodge . Prior to that , I remember driving over to Logan . It used to take a half a day to get over there to go to the dentist or something , in an old buggy , even in the middle of winter . Mother would heat up some old bricks and put them in the bottom of the sleigh and we would put our feet on those and we 'd be all bundled up . We 'd tie the horses up to an old tie rack . It wasn 't until I was in my teens that we had a car . I did get to drive the old 1927 Dodge . I went all through high school without driving . That was a time in my life when I was interested in girls and would have liked very much to drive a car . We had a lot fun with the girls . We had what we called the galloping goose . It was old electric train that ran from Mendon up to Hyrum where the South Cache High School was . We had to ride the old train up there . We would meet our girls up at the dance and then they would take the train and go their way home and we would go our way . I never really got to drive a car until I went to the university . I never knew I needed glasses until I went to get my driver 's license and they told me I couldn 't see . Then I found out that was why I was always sitting on the front row in the classrooms . I got my glasses and everything went fine . When I graduated from the university and started doing graduate work I got a research assistance ship , which paid me $ 50 per month . My sister was also working in Logan teaching school , and my other sister was working , so we all contributed and we bought a 1940 Plymouth , which cost about $ 900 . Dad paid about $ 300 and we paid the rest on it . So that was the first car I really drove much . I drove the old ' 27 Dodge around Mendon a little bit . My father was a musician . He played the baritone in the band . He was the choir conductor for twenty - five years . One day he brought home a new trombone and said , " you 're going to start playing the trombone . " So , I took the trombone in high school and oddly enough I became first chair . ( They had a very poor trombone section ! ) I guess the part I enjoyed about it was that the band would always go around to all the celebrations . Someone would have an onion day and someone a peach day and so the band was always in demand and we would go to the fairs . Actually I was always a shy type of person and the bandleader asked me on several occasions if I would be the drum major . He thought I would be a good drum major . He tried to get me to lead the band on several occasions , but I never wanted to do that . High school was really the time that girls were in my life , because when I went to the University I went four years through school and never had a date . But , we were really involved with the girls in high school . I had a girlfriend who , oddly enough , people thought we were going to get married because we were together almost constantly through high school . I never had any particular feeling for her . Looking back on it , I wonder why we ever did that . We were at the place where everyone was saying we should get married . She would embarrass me by putting me up as a candidate for president of student body , which I didn 't like . We used to have a band in Mendon - some of our relatives had a band that was known all over the valley . Every Saturday they would have a dance in Mendon or Hyrum . Dancing was a very popular pastime . We even went over the mountain on Saturday where they had a dance in connection with a swimming pool . You could go swimming . We had a lot of swimming parties because they had a pool in Logan . Dancing was the main form of entertainment . The only movie my father ever went to was a religious show . In his whole lifetime , he never went to a show . But they did have one religious show . That was the only show he ever went to . I don 't remember either of my grandfathers . Grandfather Sorensen I remember very vividly in his casket . I didn 't really want to see him in his casket , but my parents made me go . That 's probably why I remember it so vividly . Grandfather Ladle was killed very early in life . He fell off a load of hay just a half a block from where we lived and he died . I do remember him vaguely . I remember both my grandmothers very well . I was very attached to them . Grandmother Sorensen was a real Danish lady and she always made barley beer . My mother would never go down to visit her with dad , but dad would always take me - I don 't know why , but I was the only one out of the five kids dad would take . But mother was so frightened that grandma was going to give me a drink of this barley beer that she would threaten dad that if he ever allowed it , that would be the last time . I used to go down to visit her and she had these little squares of sugar that she used to sweeten her tea with . I really liked those . Every time I went down I got some of those , so I knew if I went to visit her I 'd get a little square of sugar . I would go down and sit on her steps and she knew I wasn 't going to go until I got that square of sugar . I remember my grandmother Ladle very well . She outlived most of her children . She had eleven or twelve children . Every Sunday they would come up to her house to visit . The whole family would come and have a big time . There must have been 30 - 40 grandchildren , so it was a big occasion . She was always real nice to the grandchildren . When she was old , Madall and I would take money up to her because she never had any money . Instead of giving her presents we would give her money . She always took such good care of her children and grandchildren . I remember when my mother died . She had a stroke and I was down in Provo . They called me long distance . I came back home and we were sitting with her that night . She only lived a couple of days after that . I remember grandmother Ladle sitting there and she said , " Your mother is going to die tonight , she won 't be here in the morning . " And she wasn 't . She died that night . She had that understanding that she knew when this was going to happen . The depression didn 't really have any impact on me . I was born in it . I never had anything and never expected anything so it didn 't really have that much effect on us . We always had plenty to eat - mainly pork and potatoes . We didn 't have things like toothpaste . I never had toothpaste until I was out on my own . We always brushed our teeth with salt or soda . We didn 't have much , but we didn 't miss it . It wouldn 't be like going from having things like we do now , and then trying to get by on a little . If you 're born with just a little , you grow up that way and I think you have just as much fun as kids as if you had a lot of money , because no one has anything . I think you 're just as happy as if you have a lot of things . You didn 't have clothes . You wore your clothes until they dropped off . Everybody did . We didn 't notice it . We always had plenty to eat . Many people did lose their farms during that period . Dad was able to hold on to his . After high school I went to Utah State University . My brother Owen was very mechanically minded and could do anything mechanically . I wasn 't that way . With my allergies , I hated working the hay and with the thresher because I couldn 't breath . I decided the farm wasn 't for me and I was going to do something else . The reason I got in Agronomy was because I knew more about agriculture than anything else . Not because I should have done . I probably would have been better off in business . But I did that because that 's what I knew . We didn 't really know what was available to us as students . All we knew was what our parents did . I started in agronomy and did well enough . I minored in chemistry . I stayed on as a graduate research assistant after I graduated and I started my master 's degree . I had all my research laid out at the time I was drafted into the Army . I essentially wasted a year of my life because I got everything set up , but I wasn 't able to collect my data . I graduated in 1941 and I should have gone directly into the Army , but my sister was on the draft board . They were deciding who went in who didn 't . The University was pretty hard pressed for people to stay there and work on research because everyone was going in the Army , so they asked me to ask for a deferment and I got it . Then all the people in the town blamed my sister saying that she got me off and I didn 't have to go war and everyone else did . The pressure got to the point that I finally quit and went into the Army . That kind of terminated my graduate work . After being in the Army three years and coming back , I went to work instead of going back to graduate school . The army was regimented to the place where a person really learned discipline . They tell you when to get up in the morning , when to comb your hair , when to brush your teeth , inspect your rifles , and when to go to bed . Then when you got overseas , over to New Guinea , the situation was a little bit different . The officers were a little afraid of what someone might do to them , so life was a little better once you got into the combat area . We had some good experiences in New Guinea . Getting acquainted with the life of the Fuzzy Wuzzies and how they lived was interesting . We watched the kids that were three years old run up a coconut tree that was 30 - 40 feet high and pick off a coconut . The families always marched in groups . The father was at the head of the line , then the kids , then the mother at the back of the line . They lived in little villages . We had a lot of experiences . The Japs ' were there in the mountains right behind us . They would stay up in the mountains until they would about starve to death , then they would come straggling into camp . We had a bunch of them there that we were guarding all the time . When you were on guard duty , that was quite a feeling because the Fuzzy Wuzzies could be on either side . They were on the side of the people that they thought were going to help them at the moment . They could slip up behind you when you were out there on guard and they had their arm around your neck and you wouldn 't even know they were there until you felt that arm around you . It was quite a frightening experience . I remember the first time we went to an invasion of a little town there . The tanks were supposed to be giving us protection from the enemy , but we got so far away from them and were on the wrong side of the tanks . We didn 't really know where they were . We actually , at the time we landed in New Guinea , landed in those little landing crafts . We came over on the USS Mount Vernon , which was a monster , and they could only come in so far . Then they had these little landing barges that would take you in . We had our first bombing raid when we were getting unloaded from those things . They bring you in to where the water was just above your knees and you would wade into shore . We were just in the process of heading in and the bombers came over . When we moved up to the Philippines we lived in a coconut grove . We were trained as anti - aircraft artillery . We were supposed to go into the African invasion and we had all the equipment and were ready to ship . Then we got the measles and we were held up and not able to go . Our group was supposed to detect the sound of enemy planes as they approached using a sound detector . Then , we would alert the search units and they would throw the lights on the plane and that would blind the pilot , then our planes could come in from the back . Later on they got radar , which was much better , so we were really a radar unit . But the radar was really more of a defense type of thing and by the time we got there we were on the offense . We had trained for months on how to live in the dessert , and then we went to Florida and learned how to live in the swamps . Then we were shipped to New Guinea and over there we never did use our radar outfits . We were attached to the Air Force for a long time . That was the best time I was there because the Air Force has the best food there is . But then we changed to unloading the ships so for a long time we were attached to the quartermaster and we would unload all the ships that came in . They were little freighters that would go up the coast of New Guinea . We got caught in a cemetery thing one time where we were digging up a graveyard and transferring people from one graveyard to another . So , we were attached to all sorts of outfits and they used us wherever they needed us . I learned to play ping - pong in the military . That was one of the pastimes . We had competitions between battalions , so it got to be quite a competition . There were a lot of people coming in to watch . I was in the military just over three years . I got a stripe on my uniform with one stripe for three years . The war was over in 1945 . I was home by 1946 . We had been over there longer than any other outfit , so we were among the first to come home . We were all ready to go in for the Japanese invasion when they dropped the A - bomb , and that ended the war . We were supposed to have furloughs to Australia every six months . But we never had one , so we had been there a couple of years with no furlough from the front . That meant we were one of the first units to come home . We came home on an old Navy ship , which was so slow it took about a month to get home . We went over on Christmas and we were on the seas coming back on Christmas . We got back in January . When I came back I decided that I would take a job with the Bureau of Reclamation for a year . Then the state asked me if I would be the state seed supervisor . When they changed governors , they dropped us all . Then I got a job with Production and Marketing for a couple of years after that . The last day that we could sign up for the GI bill , I decided to go to graduate school to get something better . I never would have gone back to school if I hadn 't had that deadline staring at me . I went back to graduate school at Utah State University . Going back to school was quite frustrating because I had been away for ten years . Within the first month we had to take an exam on every course they offered , whether we had taken it or not . That was a perquisite for getting into the school . I had been there for a year before , so this was going on for the second year to get a master 's degree . It was no fun for mother or me , since I was working night and day . Then , we went from there to the University of Wisconsin . I spent three and a half years there getting my doctor 's degree . I actually spent about nine years from high school getting the doctor 's , which is much longer that most people would take . A lot of this was due to changing schools . The new schools require things that force some duplication . That 's a long time to finish the degree . I chose the University of Wisconsin because a Mormon was the head of the Agronomy Department and he had written down to Utah State to see if there was anyone there who might be interested in going to graduate school . I was graduating at that time , so I agreed to go up . It was in the area I wanted to go into . I started my research work on Alfalfa before the war . After I came back , I worked on barley , and I finished my masters on barley , but I was really interested in forage crops . Wisconsin was considered one of the best forage schools in the U . S . So it was a good opportunity to go to the forage school . I first met Madall when we were going to high school . I was a senior and she was a freshman . She was down on the third chair group of trombones and I was up on the first chair . We sort of made eyes at each other , I guess , because we ended up making little bets with pieces of candy . I made bets on things I knew she would win before I bet her . We had that little thing going for the last year I was there . We used to have the dances there every Saturday and Madall would come to these dances , but she 'd always come with her parents and some girlfriends . The girls would dance all night together . I would get my courage up , that when this dance was over , I was going to go up and ask her to dance , but before I could get over there , they would disappear in the powder room . After the dance , I was going to ask her if I could take her home , but her parents were there and that kind of scared me off . So , nothing ever happened . Going through the University I never came in contact with her . I actually never dated anyone at the University , except Brother ElRay Christiansen 's daughter who worked there . She come up one day and got me engaged in conversation to find out if I was a Mormon . I quoted her the Articles of Faith . It never occurred to me that she was trying to strike up an acquaintance . There was another girl on the second floor of the building where I worked that would invite me up there for grape juice . Her boss would have people in and treat them , and after that she would invite me up to have grape juice . I would wait down there on the second floor for my ride home . Eventually , it got to the point that she would bring her typewriter down and she would type there while I was waiting for my ride . But , I still didn 't catch on to what she was working on . Mom and I never really dated until the time I got out of the army . The whole time I was in the army I was writing to another girl in my hometown . When I got out of the army , I got a job with the Bureau of Reclamation for a year , then I quit that , and I was offered the job as a state seed supervisor . That job was in Salt Lake in the state capital . Mother was working there also . It was just natural that we started playing tennis . Her and another girl had an apartment there . I would go up and eat with them most of the time . I was traveling all the time , so I 'd bring back peaches and apricots and tomatoes . That was my contribution to the meals ! That was how we got together . We were only engaged a few months before we got married . The thing that precipitated our marriage was that Madall 's parents were living in Salt Lake for the winter . They were going back home in the spring and we could take over their apartment . So , if we were going to get married , then why not now ! The apartment was a Church apartment and Mom 's father knew the church people well enough that he could get the apartment , so he actually kept it in his name for quite a long time and we paid him . That was a pretty nice place to live . It was right across the street from the temple . We knew that we would get along all right . We had the same ideas . We were ready . We got married in the Logan Temple in 1948 . We came up to Mendon . We had quite a large group at her home . They were coming through there for hours . We went over to the Logan Temple . That was the time my mother was having high blood pressure and she couldn 't go . But my father went . ElRay Christiansen married us . It was a nice ceremony . We were quite surprised when we came out , because we were older - I was about 29 when we got married - we got outside and my brother and some of his friend had really painted up the car . We didn 't really expect anyone would do that type of thing for someone our age . When we got through that night , it was so late , that we decided to sleep right there in my folks home . My brother and all his pals were waiting there to parade us out of town . They were waiting there most of the night and no one came out ! They were really disappointed ! We had a lot of fun . I worked another two years in Salt Lake for the Production Marketing Association . The farmers could sell excess potatoes or wheat to the government . I was involved in that and in writing up conservation programs for the farmers , and this sort of thing , for a couple of years . Then , it got to be the last few days that we could use our GI bill and I decided I was going back to school . We went up to Logan for a year to get my master 's degree in barley . I graduated in 1952 and received my MS in Agriculture . We went from there to the University of Wisconsin . We spent three years there in a grass - breeding program . Bryan was well on the way when we left Utah and he came along shortly thereafter . I was just getting started in school and we found out Bryan had to come Cesarean . Mom had gone in the hospital the night before , but they sent her home and we had to pay for all the x - rays because they didn 't keep her over night . She went back in and the baby came about 1 a . m . in the morning . It had to come cesarean . Mom just barely got out of the operating room and the doctor said the baby was fine and mom was all right and so while she was still in the emergency room , I went to class , and then after class I came back and visited with her a few minutes . Then I had to go back to school the rest of the day . That was a frightening experience . She was all hooked up with tubes because she couldn 't be fed through the mouth . That got to be quite a period until we got things squared away . We were trying to get started in school , and were having a lot of problems at the same time . We weren 't really concerned about whether it was a boy or a girl . We had talked about names for a boy and names for a girl . We had quite a time with Madall 's father because he was so set that the boy should be named Todd . I 'm not sure why Todd , but he had a fix on the name Todd . We couldn 't talk him out of it . He was real upset that we didn 't name Bryan as Todd . We liked the name Madison . One of my professors was named Madison and I liked him as an individual , so that was how we ended up with the name . I guess it was a real satisfying for me to have a son . Bryan was three years old by time we left . By the age of three , Bryan was out in the swimming area at the lake every day . I was coming out of the hot sorghum fields and so going swimming was the first thing I wanted to do too . We would go over there almost every night and get in the water . We enjoyed Bryan very much . At the age of three , he was a real runner . I had a difficult time catching him . Mother couldn 't ! He always wanted to run away . The only way we could get him to come back was to get in the car and drive off ! When he saw us going down the street , he would come running back , but at that time , he could run fast enough that I could just barely catch him ! We never had car seats in those days . Bryan would not sit down in the seat . He would always stand . He would stand for hours with his arm around my neck , and I really got a kick out of that . At the age of three he was really working that steering wheel . He was just captivated by automobiles and the mechanics would say that kid has almost cranked that wheel off the shaft ! He would sit on my lap when he got a little bigger and he would drive the car . When he was just four or five years old , he was driving the car ! I really enjoyed Bryan while I was at Madison those three years . It was pretty tough going through school . A number of the couples that we knew separated before they got through because the wife just refused to go through that type of a situation where the man was completely taken away to something else . I think that we might have taken that same track if Bryan hadn 't been there to hold us together . You spent night and day on your project and a lot of couples never made it through . The wives just said I 'm not going to stand for that sort of thing . When I graduated with my PhD in 1955 , there were no jobs . We hadn 't been home for three years . We had stayed right at Madison for three years , so we decided to go home after I graduated . We thought maybe when I got back something would open up . By the time we got back , there was a whole raft of jobs . There was one down in Alabama on forage crops . There was one in North Carolina , which was the only good school in the south . There was one at Texas A & M and one at New Mexico , and one at Arizona . I talked to my major professor and he said Kansas was really the best school out of the group . The southern schools weren 't much yet . The job at Kansas State University was in alfalfa . I liked alfalfa , even though it is a difficult crop to work with . It was real nice the way it worked out . We were real depressed when we got out of school because there was just nothing there . When we came back , there were all these jobs available at once . We took the job in Kansas largely because it was working with alfalfa , plus my professor 's encouragement that Kansas Sate was the best school that was offering jobs at that time . It was discouraging when we first got down here . We found out that the fellow who preceded me had retired before I got here and had a graduate student working on the project - just maintaining it . I only had $ 400 left in the project when I got down here and that was in November . I had to go clear through the next year on that money . Mother came over as my research assistant and we worked together the first year . It was quite a struggle and the project really wasn 't well funded for several years . It was hard to make much progress when you had to do all the little things . You would have some student help , but they never learned how to help you out much . It took quite a few years to get the backing from the state and the federal government - to show them we had a program that should be funded . There were many years in there when we didn 't really make a lot of advancement . Then , there was a period of years when the money came in and I got the support of the experiment station director , who funded about everything I wanted , and I thought we did pretty well from then on . I started out being secretary of the central alfalfa conference , and then I got to the chairman of the conference . Later , I was selected as project leader of the north central states . Then I was selected as chairman of the national alfalfa conference . After that , I was selected to be on the national certified alfalfa variety review board . There are only four people selected for that group . That 's considered a prestigious job for our area . I was also selected for chairman of the crop registration committee for the American Society of Agronomy , so I feel like I 've done very well for our profession . Still , I 've got a lot of things yet to do . Everyone would like to leave some lasting impression . I 'm hoping some things will materialize that people would remember you by , so I 'm not quite ready to retire yet . I 'm hoping I can hang on until some of these things materialize that people would remember you for . Since I started the first year , I 've been working on resistance to the various things that plague the crop here in the southern Great Plains . When I arrived , that was the year that the spotted alfalfa aphid arrived in Kansas . The first thing we did was to develop a resistance to that and we did this within less than four years after the aphid arrived . We selected the plants , evaluated them and yield tested them and got a variety on the market . My major professor was quite happy with that . Following that success we decided we would tackle the pea aphid . No one had been able to come up with a resistant variety prior to that . We developed Kanza , which had resistance to the pea aphid and the spotted aphid and to bacterial wilt . The bacterial wilt threatened the existence of the crop in Kansas . Then gradually more money became available and we were able to expand into a number of different areas . We have now developed a resistance in one germ plasm pool to seven different pests . That has not been done in any other crop . No one else has done it in alfalfa . It 's quite a task . It 's easy to develop resistance to one thing , and when you think that they 've had all the way from seven to nine pathologists and breeders in wheat working for over 30 years on resistance to rust , and they still don 't have it , it 's quite an accomplishment to develop resistance to seven pests . Following Kanza , we released Riley alfalfa , which had a number of these things in itself . Riley had resistance to several pests and diseases . Riley has been very well accepted . In fact , I was quite surprised this fall when the breeder from Nebraska , who has developed varieties for Nebraska , came down here for breeder seed of Riley , because Riley was performing better in Nebraska than anything they had developed up there ! Then , of course , I mentioned the work we did on the glandular hairs . No one had ever been able to cross a perennial and an annual - alfalfa is actually a perennial - and the annual has the glandular hairs . For years , people have been trying to make the cross , and just this past year , we were able to make the first successful cross . It looks like we are going to be able to utilize this germ plasm in alfalfa . Janet was more daring . She just scared the devil out of me . She would crawl clear up to the top of the trees and I 'd go out there and there she was way up there on a limb bending back and forth in the trees and I 'd try to coax her down so she wouldn 't break the limb . She was just a real wiry thing . They had their tree houses over there and they mapped the whole area and they 'd bring their map home and decide what they were going to do . So , they had a good association . We had a good association with all our children and I 've mentioned this to my high priests because they 've had so much trouble with their children . I 'd say , I don 't understand why , because I don 't understand what I 've done to deserve it . I could come in when Bryan was busy upstairs . Busy studying or something . I 'd noticed that we have a leak up here on the roof and we needed to repair it . I 'd ask , " Could you come out and repair it ? " I 'd put Bryan up on the roof and I wouldn 't dare get up . But anything I ever asked any of my children to do , they always did it . Willingly did it . They could have been antagonized because they were very much involved in another project . So , I always appreciated that . I 've watched where Rick and Janet know those things that make me happy and I can see them doing those things and trying to do it unknowing to me . I don 't have any priority on this couch , for instance , but when I come into the room , everyone vacates that couch ! Then know the things that I like and they are always going out of their way to do those things for me . We always felt very fortunate that our children never got like other teenagers where they rebelled against us . They never rebelled against us and I felt like we always had a real good relationship with each other . We tried to help them . We tried to make no unreasonable demands . And in turn , they would help us . Anytime we asked , anything , they were there . I think it 's going to stay that way . Janet 's always been special to all of us . All of us enjoyed having a young lady in our lives . She was kind of carried around on a platter . Her every desire was met . I felt the same way as the two boys did . We really catered to her . We all enjoyed Janet very much . Very early , she demonstrated her interest in art . Way back in the first grade , the teacher started recognizing her art . She 's never swerved from that . I continually keep telling her , how are you going to make a living when you get through because there 's no money in art ? But that has not changed her mind . I think it 's good that she 's going on regardless to do what she wants to do . And I think that she 'll find a way to make a living . I 've always tried to steer her away from it because she 's very talented . She wasn 't particularly good in math . She had to work hard to get it , but she always got A 's and she could have done something like that . She could have got into science or something else . But why do it if you don 't like it ? We 've been proud of her . She 's really been dedicated to go to the University . She made up her mind she was going to do it in three years and she didn 't care a lot about recreation . She went to summer school and intersession and she did it and she got through , and now she 's going to Iowa and I think she 'll follow through the same way there . She 'll go up there and do a good job and when she gets through , something will come along if she wants it . She 's been very special to all of us , mother included . I don 't know of any mother and daughter that have been as close . They had endless conversations and they are so close that it makes you feel good . Most daughters when they go through their teenage years , they depart from their mother and have fights . We never had that . So , we felt good about that . I mentioned earlier that I pretty much devoted my young life to my uncle , paying off the debts that my father owed to him . He was the Bishop and he got quite attached to me . He took over the deacons and he made me president of the deacon 's quorum for the years I was in there . He did teach us a lot . He taught us the books of the Old Testament and the books of the New Testament . He told us if you want to know how many books there are in the New Testament , there are three letters in New and nine letters in Testament , and 3 times 9 is 27 . There are 27 books in the New Testament . There are three letters in Old and nine letters in Testament , and if you put 3 and 9 together , there are 39 books in the Old Testament . I always remembered it that way . He taught us to recite the books of the Old Testament and the books of the New Testament , and he taught us all the scriptures that we needed to know as a missionary . I never really used those , but I remember them , like Ephesians 4 : 5 - one Lord , one faith one baptism , John 14 : 2 - in my father 's house are many mansions , John 14 : 6 - I am the way , the truth , and the light . All those things that I 've never really used much I still remember . He had us recite them and recite them . And then , I went to the teacher 's quorum and wasn 't involved in the presidency . I got to the priests and I got involved again . That was the teenage years when most of them were off drinking and carousing . It got to the place where me and another guy were blessing the sacrament every Sunday for the three or four years that we were involved in the priest 's quorum Week after week and year after year we were up there blessing the sacrament because most of the rest of the group were renegades . On those Saturday night dances I talked to you about , they always had a member of the Bishopric down there to smell people as they come in to see whether they had been drinking or not . One Sunday I asked one of the priests if he would bless the sacrament with me and we got up there all ready to bless it aI was ordained an Elder in 1938 . But at the time I was ordained an Elder , they decided I should be the leader for the deacons and I spent two or three years as an instructor for the deacons . Then I went into the army . When I got to Manhattan they made me Superintendent of the Sunday school . I did that for about fifteen years . Then I quit and was immediately put in as high priest group leader and I 've been in there ever since . I was also treasurer of Bluemont PTA , and institutional representative for the Boy Scouts . I was institutional representative for the Church and on the scout committee . I was also treasurer for the Stake Welfare Farm . The year that Janet was born , we started construction of the church building in Manhattan . We started digging the baptismal font . I got stuck with that , which was quite a job . The soil was like brick . It was a real dry summer . You would have to take a crow bar and chip the soil out . Took forever to dig that thing . We just built a little structure . We did all the work it still cost $ 65 , 000 . The church sent a contractor out who was very lenient with us . He taught us how to do the whole thing . He worked along with us . We laid all the brick and did the roofing . We had a fellow from Wichita come up who was a member of the church and he helped put the tar on the roof , but we did all the painting and ceiling tile and the whole bit . It still amazed us how much it cost . From there we added on the junior Sunday school wing , then after we added on the chapel and later the recreation hall . I can 't remember the name of the apostle , but he said it 's not possible to make more than you can spend . No matter how much you make you can always spend more that you can make . The basic thing you have to learn is that no matter what your salary is , spend less than you earn . Learn to separate wants and needs . I want this , but do I need it or can I get along without it for a while . The person who is unable to do this , is unable to manage his money , no matter what he makes , he 's always going to be in trouble . We never did have a formal budget in our house , but we did learn how to manage money so that we didn 't spend all that we made . A budget is something a lot of people need and can follow . I had a friend that said that the only way he could save money was to purchase something like a house and he had to make payments and that forced him to save . Whenever he got his check , the check was gone unless he had something that he had to pay . So that was the way that he forced himself to save . |
Curses , Abandoned First Draft [ The following is the abandoned first draft of " Curses . " If enough people say , " Wow , this is awesome , you should finish it ! " I might try to resurrect it . ] Olivaer Toebem woke from another dream in which had two arms , startled by a loud commotion in the common room downstairs . He threw off the bed covers and tried to stand , fumbling for balance in the near - darkness . He staggered to the doorway of his small room to find out what had happened . Perhaps Tias had dropped a stack of books . Olivaer stopped and crouched by the door . That voice was unfamiliar and sounded dangerous . His room was on the second floor of the house , at the top of the stairs . Looking out over the balcony , he could see that someone had lit several lamps downstairs . The common room below was more of a library than a gathering place , with shelves lining the walls and several tables for study . " Get out of my house at once ! " the voice of Tias Kalor said . Tias , the master of the house , did not sound frightened , though Olivaer certainly was . The first man 's voice did not sound friendly at all . And then he cringed when he heard another crash that sounded like someone had toppled a shelf of books onto the floor . Something shattered , probably some of Tias 's prized pottery collection . Olivaer cringed on his behalf . Tias had gathered them from around the continent over forty long years , or so he said . " You will sprout wings and fly over a striped moon before you ever find it , " Tias said with a shocking amount of confidence . A striped moon ? What was that supposed to mean ? Tias had gotten slightly eccentric in his advancing years , to say nothing of the curse he lived with every day . Olivaer thought he should go down and try to help his patron , but he could tell there was more than one intruder down there . He made out the sounds of at least three people rummaging . Maybe four . Just then a man in a ragged red tunic and breeches stepped into view , raising a thick club over his head . It came down on a table of clay figurines , shattering them and sending pieces flying everywhere . A few bits made it all the way up over the railing and landed on the floor beside Olivaer . " Don 't call me boy ! " the hard man shouted , and Olivaer heard the sounds of a knife plunging into soft flesh again . Tias grunted again , and let out a long sighing exhale . Someone fell to the floor with a loud thump . Tias , no ! This can 't be happening ! We played Towers just this afternoon ; I almost beat him . " Search everything , " the hard man said to his comrades . " Search every book , every pot , and corner . Lakus , go see if anyone else is upstairs . " Olivaer thought frantically . If anyone walked up the rickety wooden steps , they would walk right into him . He had to get out of there . But first he had to get Emmie . He felt a tickle in his nose at the thought . His Curse of Mystery , as they were called , what everyone dreaded while they were growing up . For the hundredth time , he wished he could be rid of the new curse that had come upon him since he met Emmie , but he might as well wish to be rid of the sun or the moon . Everyone had curses , and everyone had to deal with it . But this was no time to think about that . He dashed down the hall to Emmie 's room on bare feet , holding his hand over his nose and mouth to keep from sneezing . He thought about the weather . Anything but Emmie . The mild summer they were having , and how there had been very little rain around Farenhill lately . The farmers grumbled to each other in the market every day . He pushed open Emmie 's door quietly , but quickly , and ducked inside . He wanted to bar the door , but there was no lock . There was barely enough light coming in from her window to see by . There was Emmie Kalor sleeping in the moonlight with no sign that she had heard any of the disturbance . She could sleep through a wind storm . Olivaer 's nose itched like fire , and he grabbed a nearby garment , covered his face , and sneezed . He was going to give them away for sure . He thought about what would happen if someone heard him . They would march up the stairs and club him to death . The clubs would leave huge bruises , and it would hurt like a whipping . While he thought about the pain of a clubbing , he ran to Emmie 's bedside and knelt over her . He shook her with his only arm , the right one , then quickly put his hand over her mouth . " Emmie , wake up , " he said , thinking about knives . At least one of them had a knife . It would would leave long cuts that would bleed and he would scream and by Vasek 's mercy his nose itched . He was going to sneeze again . Emmie 's eyes finally flew open and she tried to scream in his hand . " Please be quiet , Emmie , we 're in trouble , " Olivaer said . He turned his head away and sneezed into his shoulder . Don 't think about her , think about something else . Think about the dry summer and the poor farmers . Think about those men gutting you if you don 't move faster . Emmie was afflicted with what had been categorized by scholars as a Curse of the Mind , a particularly bad one passed down from her grandfather , Tias Kalor , who owned the house . Every time she woke up , she would forget everyone she knew , even if she had been around them for years . Olivaer had been a student in Tias 's house for five months now . He had to introduce himself to her every day . Most days he had to introduce himself to Tias as well . " I 'm a friend , " Olivaer said quickly . " Thieves are inside the house . We have to run . " He grabbed up another nearby garment and sneezed into it . Only then did he realize it was one of Emmie 's shifts and he flung it away like it was on fire . Vasek 's mercy , don 't think about that . The man must be up the stairs by now , would he be able to hear them ? " We have to climb out the window . " Just then a tremendous crash came from downstairs . Someone must have toppled one of the bookcases that covered the whole wall . Other than her inability to recognize faces , Emmie was a smart and practical girl . She realized that sound meant danger , and she jumped out of the bed , grabbed a cloak hanging on the wall , and put it on . Olivaer , who still wore only his bed linens , he realized with embarrassment , pushed the window shutters open one at a time . It let out onto a shallow slanted roof . From there they could climb down a nearby oak to the ground . Emmie had done it hundreds of times , having grown up in the house . She had shown Olivaer once or twice , on those rare days when she felt particularly daring around him . He helped her through the window as best he could , holding her hand to help her balance . When she was through , a sneeze exploded out of him without warning . Then another , and another , wracking his body like convulsions . It was the touch of her hand . The door crashed open and a man , presumably Lakus , stood there holding a flickering lantern in one hand and a small hand axe in the other . His face was covered by shadows but a hook nose made him look like a strange bird . " Hey , come back here , " he growled . Olivaer grabbed a book from a nearby table and threw it at the man , then awkwardly drug himself through the window , feeling dizzy from the sudden sneezes , and Emmie was there to help him . He sneezed again . " I 'm okay , " he managed to get out . " Go on , I 'm right behind you . " He sneezed , feeling like his skull would burst . Vasek take these sneezes ! Emmie looked at him with more than a little suspicion and looked like she might say something , but then a hairy arm thrust out of the window and she screamed and jumped back . Olivaer rolled away from Lakus 's groping hand while Emmie shuffled quickly down the roof to the tree . She climbed onto a large oak branch and shimmied down the tree like it were no more challenging than a ladder , even wearing the bulky cloak . Olivaer was nowhere near as agile as Emmie , having been cursed with only one arm long before the sneezes began . That was his Curse of Misery . Only a fleshy nub protruded from his left shoulder . He tottered down the roof and found a solid limb to hold . When he stepped onto a branch , an anxious voice shouted out from the open window . " Stop there , you bastard ! " Thoughts of Emmie , his watery eyes , and his itching nose vanished when he looked back at Lakus leaning out of the window . He had his small axe raised in his hand , preparing to throw it . At him . Olivaer moved quicker than he ever had in his life . In that moment , he moved like he had two arms and lived in trees all his life . Something whipped by his head and glanced off the trunk of the tree , sending wood chips into his face . He ignored them and descended , feeling some satisfaction that the hook - nosed Lakus cursed fluently behind him . Of course , three - quarters of the way down he lost his grip and fell the last five feet , thumping to the ground on his back . Emmie rushed over to see if he was all right . " I 'm Olivaer , " he said , staring up at her and rubbing his nose . It was an automatic thing to say to her each day , which she normally seemed to appreciate , but at the moment , she just gave him a grim expression . She helped him climb to his feet . He stretched his back , but it didn 't feel like anything had broken . " Thank you , Olivaer , " she said . " I 'm sorry but I don 't remember you . " She always looked a little embarrassed but mostly sad when she admitted that . Part of the curse was knowing that she was unable to remember anyone . Tias had kept his desk covered with sketches and names of people that he reviewed each day , and Emmie also had a collection of portraits , but they were probably back in her room . She was quite a talented artist . " We 'd better get out of here , " Olivaer said after a fierce sneeze . " Let 's go down to the sheriff 's house . You go on , I 'll be right behind you . " He watched her trot away down the street , and his nose felt better . He had discovered that the sneezing fits only came when he was close to women that he cared strongly for . Some people got sweaty palms , or tongue - tied . He sneezed until his nose bled . With a sigh , he trotted after her . He told himself over and over that his curse was not as bad as some . Many people had curses that made them sick , or weak , or miserable in some way or another . Some had to be cared for all their lives . A few people were cursed to change into animals ; sheep , or dogs , or even snakes . Those were bad , but the worst were the people cursed to kill , or to die a painful death . But before they had gone far , Olivaer saw a small group of men standing in the street a block from Tias 's house . Among them , he saw Sheriff Watts , the person he was looking for . What was going on ? The sheriff did not look pleased to see him running around town in his small clothes . " I know there are men . They 're looking for Tias , son . They got me out of bed a while ago . Didn 't say what they were after , just said they wanted to question him . Said they came from Siom , on the king 's orders . " " Those men stabbed Tias . " Olivaer tried to contain his impatience . " You 've got to do something . He might still be alive in there , bleeding to death . " Sheriff Watts looked dubious . " They were king 's men , son , " he said . " Said Tias was suspected of stealing the king 's property . They almost tore my head off when I tried to make sense of it . Told me in no uncertain terms to stay out of it . " Emmie walked up beside Olivaer . " They didn 't act like king 's men , sir , " she said . " They chased us . If it weren 't for - " she waved at Olivaer for a moment , trying to remember his name " - for … Olivaer , I would probably be dead . Or worse . " A pair of men came from Tias 's house strode toward them . They both wore patchwork clothing of leather and wool , not the quality of noblemen , but also not the sort found in Farenhill . They wore swords at their belts , which they slid free of their sheathes as they drew them . One had long dark hair and a beard , the other was clean - shaven with short blond hair . " Stand aside , old man , " the blond man said . " In the name of the king , I command all of you men to stand aside . " He took a menacing step forward toward the sheriff . He held his blade down , but Olivaer could see his hand muscles flexing on the hilt . " You can ask your questions from there , " Watts said . The sheriff was near fifty years old , and walked with a limp , but Olivaer had never seen the man intimidated by anything or anyone . He stood eye - to - eye with the blond stranger with no hint of fear in his voice . The blond man with the cold voice scowled and gestured with his free hand to his partner , and they both raised their blades . Watts moved with unnatural speed when the swords came up . He stepped in and grappled with the blond man 's sword arm , wrestling for control . The other men with the sheriff moved to help . A general melee developed between the two swordsmen and the sheriff 's men right there in the clay street . Olivaer wasted no time to see how the fight turned out . " Come on , " he said , grabbing Emmie 's arm to avoid her skin . The two of them ran . Farenhill was a very small town , housing perhaps one hundred families in total , surrounded by hundreds of acres of farmland . Olivaer led Emmie along the main road out of town to the farm of the widow Iswa Dodsin , where they hid inside the widow 's barn with the draft horses . He picked widow Dodsin 's farm because he knew that her dog had died recently and she had not had the heart to find another , so there would be no commotion as they prowled around the farm . Neither of them had seen any signs of pursuit , but Olivaer did not want to take any chances . The widow 's two old mares barely made a sound at their presence . Olivaer stared at her . Of course she wouldn 't remember him . Her own grandfather . It was a strange world they lived in . " He is … a scholar . A nice man . But I think he 's dead . " " Yes , I think so , " Olivaer said . " I have only known him for a few months , but I considered him a friend . " He didn 't think it would be a good idea to tell her that Tias owned the house and all of the history books that she read . She might then start wondering why she lived there with him , and that might lead her to wonder if she knew Tias more closely than he let on , and she might start crying . A powerful series of sneezes erupted from his nose , making his head throb . He got up and wandered to the barn door , murmuring apologies and something about being allergic to hay . Emmie seemed to understand . She knew about the curses , and though few people spoke openly about them , everyone these days made allowances for odd behavior . He wondered what kind of crystal those men had been looking for , and why they thought Tias Kalor had it . Tias owned a lot of arcane collections of pottery , books , and other trinkets , but Olivaer had never seen much jewelry . Tias certainly never wore any . He was a very modest man , though he seemed to have quite a store of riches for someone living in the remote town of Farenhill . He always had coins to buy the things he needed . He wondered about what Tias had said before he 'd been stabbed . Something about sprouting wings and a striped moon . It was an odd thing for him to say . Tias was an eccentric man , but Olivaer had never known him to speak gibberish like that before . He supposed that when faced with a strange , knife - wielding vandal , anything might pop out of one 's mouth . " Olivaer , wait , " Emmie said . She lifted a musty woolen riding cloak from a peg on the wall . " Put this on so you don 't scare the poor woman . " Olivaer blushed and wrapped himself in the cloak , which was so long it drug the ground . It had clearly been made for a much larger person , probably the widow 's husband , who had been a hulking figure of a man . It smelled of dust and mildew , and he sneezed , this time for completely ordinary reasons . Iswa Dodsin 's face looked puzzled for a moment , then she took in their appearance and her mouth turned down into a frown . Olivaer suddenly realized that they were both wrapped in cloaks as if neither one of them had any clothes on underneath , and he rushed to try to explain , blood rushing to his face . " Oh , no , goodmother ! It 's not what it looks like . We didn 't … I mean , we aren 't … I mean , some men broke into Tias 's house and we had to escape quickly out the window . Not that we both were in the same room ! I mean - " He had to stop when the sneezes took hold of him , and he felt like they would kill him this time . After finding them both some suitable clothes , the widow decided that she would accompany them back into town , to see what all of the fuss was about . She said that she had not heard of anything so exciting as murder and arson in Farenhill since she was a girl , when Nillom Fabersin famously went mad after he caught his wife with another man . Nillom had murdered them both with an axe , then burned his own farm to the ground . The sheriff at the time found him sitting on the ground by the lake with his head in his hands , covered with blood , the grisly axe right there on the ground beside him . He never said a single word , even as they hanged him . Olivaer 's heart sank when he saw what was left of Tias Kalor 's house . One half of it had burned to charcoal , and the remaining parts smoldered , ready to catch fire at any moment . As he watched , he saw flames flicker up to catch another part of a wall on fire . Tias 's prized books were so much ash now . The upper story had collapsed , leaving little but debris in the place he had lived for the past five months . Emmie held her hand over her mouth and stared , huddling in her cloak . She had lived there her whole life . The widow Iswa put an arm around her shoulder to comfort her . Olivaer felt a pang of jealousy and wished he could do the same , but his nose itched at the thought of it . He walked closer to the wreckage . " I 've been worse , " he said with a shrug . " Old Jollim didn 't fare as well though . He 'll be in bed for a while . Got a bad cut on the ribs . That man never knew how to stay out of trouble . As for those men , they ran away when they saw they were outnumbered . They sure didn 't fight like any king 's men I ever saw . Swords or no , we took care of them . I counted four in total . The other two must have set fire to the house before they left . Sorry for your loss , son . Tias was a strange one but he was a good man . " " Why would the king send men after someone like Tias Kalor ? " Olivaer asked , scratching at his nose . " I don 't believe he stole anything , least of all from the king . " Watts looked at him and then at Emmie for a time . " I don 't believe it either , son . Might have something to do with the old days , though . Tias was a famous man once , you know . Maybe his past caught up with him . " Olivaer turned and saw a lone man on a tan horse walking into town , the horse 's hooves clopping on the hard clay as if it was stone . Olivaer thought he knew most everyone who lived in Farenhill , and he had never seen this man before . He wore a red coat with gold brocade on the sleeves , with a black square sigil stitched on the breast , marking him as a stranger to this part of the country if the bulging saddlebags indicating a long journey did not . He had long blond hair and a well - defined , clean - shaven face , unmarked by tattoos warning of dangerous curses , Olivaer noted . The stranger looked around the town with bright interest . He caught sight of them and steered toward them at a leisurely pace , as if he had all of the time in the world . As he came closer , Olivaer saw that he was armed with a sword and a bow , though the bow , at least , was unstrung on the saddle . " Good morning to you gentle folk , " the man said , nodding respectfully . " I am Roduk Mongield . Could one of you direct me to the residence of Tias Kalor ? A farmer told me that he lived in town . " Watts gave Olivaer a look , and the sheriff 's hand fell to the handle of a knife at his belt . " You found it , sir . What is your business here ? " Roduk did not appear to notice the sheriff 's threatening gesture or tone . " Are you Tias Kalor ? " he asked excitedly . " I 've ridden a long way to speak with you - " " I 'm not Tias , " Watts growled . " I 'm the sheriff . Sheriff Watts , that is . " He nodded toward the smoking house . " Tias lived there . " Roduk took in the demolished structure for the first time and his pleasant expression froze . He muttered under his breath , " No , no , no . " He dismounted quickly and approached them with a serious expression , holding the reigns of his horse . " Please , do you know where he is ? It 's urgent that I speak with him . " Roduk looked like he had been struck in the stomach . " Dead ? No , that 's not possible . That can 't be . I rode for days to get here , and he 's dead ? " Then he looked up sharply . " You said there was a man that wanted to speak with him . What man ? When ? " " Last night ? He was killed last night ? " Roduk stared up at the sky and clutched both hands to his head . " One day . One day faster and I could have talked to one of the Three . " " We don 't want any more trouble here , son , " Watts said . Roduk looked to be in his early twenties , but Watts called everyone under forty ' son . ' " Tias is dead and nothing 's going to change that now . If you know who did it , though , I 'd appreciate hearing some names . " " I don 't know who killed him , " Roduk said woodenly , staring at the charred house like his own mother had died there . " I wish I did . What did they look like ? " " One of them had a hard face , " Watts said . " Short hair . Had a birth mark on his neck that looked like a spider . The other one had a beard . They said they were king 's men . Wanted to question Tias , just like you . " Roduk 's head whipped around and his eyes burrowed into Olivaer 's . The stranger suddenly seemed to loom over him . " Did they find it ? The crystal ? Tell me ! " " Step back , son , " Watts said , putting a hand gently on Roduk 's chest . " Calm down . What 's all this about a crystal ? You didn 't mention that before , Olivaer . " Roduk stepped away and gathered his composure with a visible effort . He ran a hand through his hair , brushing blond locks out of his face . " You were there when it happened ? Olivaer , was it ? I 'm sorry if I startled you , Olivaer . It 's just that I 've ridden a long way to get here . " " I overheard the murderer asking about a crystal , that 's all , " Olivaer said . " Tias didn 't tell him where it was , though . " You will sprout wings and fly over a striped moon before you ever find it . " Then the man killed him . " " Oh , a budding scholar , eh ? " Roduk said . " That 's great . Not enough people read . It keeps the mind sharp , I say . Do you mind if I ask you a few questions ? " " Emmie . Emmie Kalor . " She had a hard expression on her face . " I heard your conversation just now . The man you were looking for is named Tias Kalor ? " " How could I be upset ? " Emmie said ruefully . " I don 't even know what he looks like . Now I suppose I never will . All my sketches were in the house . " " There 's nothing wrong with me ! " Emmie declared , glaring at the sheriff . " You don 't have to say it like I 'm … like I 'm a cripple . " The widow Iswa put a comforting hand on her arm . " Of course , dearie , " Watts said quickly , relenting under both women 's stares . " Didn 't mean anything by it . Everyone knows you 're the smartest kid in town . " " Well , this is certainly an interesting town , " Roduk said into the awkward silence that followed , smiling broadly . " I have been riding for quite some time , sheriff . Is there somewhere I could stable my horse for a time and get a drink and a meal ? " " I thank you for your help , " Roduk said to the sheriff . He turned to Olivaer and Emmie , his expression open and inviting . " I would love to talk with you two some more , if you don 't mind . Have you eaten yet ? Will you join me for breakfast ? " Olivaer 's stomach chose that moment to rumble . Still , he would have declined the invitation if Emmie hadn 't piped up and said , " I would like that . " Roduk 's face lit up with delight at her response , and Emmie smiled back at him . Olivaer realized that the man had one of those faces that girls usually liked . Before he knew it , he had sneezed again . " Here you go , " Jenen said , setting out a block of cheese and bread on the table . His wife , following close behind , set out three bowls of porridge and honey . " Give a shout if you need anything else , " the innkeeper said . " You are too kind , " Roduk said . He put his face over the porridge and breathed in the steam . " This smells delicious , goodmother , " he added . The three of them were alone in the small common room . Other tables were scattered around the edges of the room to accommodate more people , but Olivaer had never seen more than a dozen men and women inside before . The morning 's fire burned brightly in the corner , heating an iron cooking pot . " As long as I can remember , " Olivaer said , and Emmie nodded to confirm it . " He has always kept to himself , though , so not very many people really know him . He stays in his house most days , reading and writing . He was working on a compendium of pottery styles from around the continent . " " Glory - seekers ? What do you mean ? Nobody ever came to visit him , that I know of . He was a scholar , he never sought any glory . " Roduk stared at them as if he had just heard the sun had vanished from the sky . " You don 't know who he is , do you ? " Their expressions must have confirmed it . " Are you saying you two don 't know that Tias Kalor - your own grandfather , miss - was one of the Three who defeated Noxamu ? " It was Roduk 's turn to open his eyes wide . Olivaer rushed to explain before Roduk could say anything to embarrass her . " Noxamu was a man who terrorized Sioma a long time ago . He claimed to be descended from the gods . Not many people know much about that out here in Farenhill . " He directed that last to Roduk to explain their ignorance . " Forty years gone now , " Roduk said to Emmie in a tone of reverence , " Noxamu spread fear and destruction through Sioma , until he was banished by three heroes : A warrior , a priest , and a scholar . Tias Kalor was the scholar . He never mentioned that ? The whole time he lived here ? " Olivaer and Emmie both shook their heads . Tias ? A hero ? Olivaer could hardly wrap his mind around it . The man who could not remember his own granddaughter without a reminder every morning ? " There were no curses back then , " Roduk said . " They came when Noxamu cursed the Three and all of Sioma with his last breath , calling on his father among the gods to avenge him . Ever since that day , every child has been born with a curse . I thought you were students . Haven 't you read any history ? " " Ah , youth , " Roduk said , throwing up his hands . He had finished his porridge and now waved a piece of cheese toward them for emphasis . " Such as waste . Young minds should fill their heads with knowledge . " Roduk looked at them suspiciously . " He prefers to stay anonymous , " he said . " He pays me well , and I didn 't ask a lot of questions . The point is , he hired me to find the three crystals that were used to trap Noxamu 's soul . Somehow he knew that Tias Kalor could be found here in Farenhill , but he didn 't know where to find the others . Do either of you know where Tias might have kept a crystal ? Did he have a place he kept valuables ? A box ? A chest ? A hidden room ? " " He had a desk , " Olivaer said . " But it 's probably burned now . I don 't know where else he might have kept a crystal . How big is it ? " Sifting through the remains of the house was painful for Olivaer . He had only known Tias Kalor well for six months , but he had grown fond of the man and his strange ways . He had an eccentric personality that gave him an almost comical air . It was hard to imagine him as a hero of any sort . But Olivaer supposed that the curse had been a serious impairment to his abilities . Tias could not remember faces , but what else had been stripped from him after defeating Noxamu ? Roduk had been counting on talking to Tias to find the locations of the other two Heroes and their crystals . He only knew their names : Lyeale Del , a priest , and Warom Reirdun , a swordsman of noble birth . That sparked a memory in Olivaer : He once overheard Tias talking about a woman named Lyeale . He thought he 'd said she lived in a forest . Roduk grew excited and started to make plans to travel to the forest the next day . Olivaer had once promised Tias to help Emmie get to Siom if anything happened to him . There she could live with her closest relatives . Realizing the forest was on the way to Siom , and being intensely curious about Roduk 's quest and eager to end the curses as well , Olivaer decided to go with Roduk . Roduk dubbed Olivaer his " squire . " The three of them set out on horseback for the forest . The air seemed to chill around them as they followed the narrow path into the forest , riding single file . The morning fog had not yet burned away , making the trees look like somber ghosts standing watch in a silent vigil that had gone on for centuries . At times , fir trees seemed to form curved walls at the edges of the path , reminding Olivaer of a cave . It was disconcerting to ride through them . Roduk led the procession , seemingly unconcerned , letting his tan stallion walk at a comfortable pace . Emmie , following behind , stared at the misty trees with wide eyes . Her head swiveled in every direction as if expecting something to jump at them . Olivaer could hardly blame her . The trees did seem to close in on them . They entered a clearing surrounded by old oaks and pines which seemed to lean inward , forming a canopy of limbs and leaves over the area . To Olivaer it felt like entering a strange cave of trunks , roots , and leaves . The ground was covered with a peaty mixture of dead leaves , old limbs , and dirt , from which not a single blade of grass grew . To one side , a small pond looked to have formed around a natural spring . There was a stone statue in front of the pond , with a wooden bench before it . On the opposite side of the clearing , there was a tall building that might loosely be called a wooden frame house . Looking at it , Olivaer wondered how it stood upright . It seemed to be made of sharp angles all around , none of which lined up correctly , and there was a noticeable lean to the entire structure . He saw only one window , staring like an eye from beneath a sharply angled ' A ' frame at a height that indicated there must be two stories inside . A pair of hens wandered about near the house , and a nearby pen held a half dozen small pigs . Roduk reigned to a stop ten yards from the house . His stallion tossed his head and looked askance at the house . " Hail ! " Roduk announced . " Is anyone here ? We mean no harm . " The trees and fog swallowed his voice . " We have traveled a great distance , " Roduk continued . " We were told that Lyeale Del lives here . I wish to speak with her . " Some of the pigs squealed at the disturbance . Olivaer thought he saw a flicker of movement in the window , but it could have easily been a shadow . Someone must live here , though . The pigs and chickens were testament to that . Surely Lyeale would speak with them . Olivaer did not believe the stories that she had gone mad living out here alone in the forest ; she was only being cautious , as anyone would . That was all . Roduk looked back at Olivaer , silently asking if he had any ideas . Olivaer shrugged . He knew no more about Lyeale Del than Roduk did . The old librarian Tias had never said anything about her except where she lived . " Perhaps so , " Roduk said . " I refuse to believe we traveled all this way for nothing . She must be here . I suppose we 'll wait for a while to see if she appears . " They dismounted near the pond and allowed the horses to drink . The statue was a finely carved sculpture of the Tihabae , Goddess of the Moon , standing with her hands outstretched in welcome and her robes wafting . Her hair twisted all the way from her head down to her feet . The customary third eye in her forehead was closed . The expression on her face seemed pained , but somehow inviting at the same time . They turned to see an old woman standing outside of the house , draped in dark brown robes that trailed the ground . Fine white hair sprouted from a mottled head and fell down in a tangle around her face . She stared at them with dark , accusing eyes . Roduk paused , confused . Was this Lyeale or wasn 't it ? He came to a decision and pressed onward . " It is an honor to meet you , " he said with one of his easy smiles . " My name is Roduk Mongield . I have been looking forward to speaking with you , if you will agree to it . " Olivaer glanced at Emmie . She stood behind her mare , clearly afraid of the woman . He placed himself midway between her and the old woman , wrinkling his nose to keep a sneeze down . Roduk continued unperturbed . " Goodmother , I would ask only a few moments of your time . I am on a very important mission and I think you can help me . " Roduk glanced at Olivaer . " My friend knew of your general location , " he said . " The local farmers led us to your house . This is Olivaer , a student of someone you may know . Tias Kalor . " Lyeale turned her gaze on Olivaer , her expression growing even more suspicious , if that were possible . Her face bore deep wrinkles of age and consternation , but her eyes were sharp and penetrating . " What do you know of Tias Kalor ? " Lyeale 's face contorted . " Keep her away from me ! " she snapped . Emmie shrunk back as if slapped . " No wonder my head is pounding so , " Lyeale said , backing toward the door of her house . " If you two knew so much about me you should have known to leave her behind . " " Of course you don 't , " Lyeale said . " Nobody understands anything . " She took a moment to collect herself , or perhaps just to decide what she wanted to tell them . " The curse keeps us apart . The three of us , and our kin . If we get too close , it hurts , here . " She stabbed a finger at her temple . " Do you understand that ? " " Of course , " Roduk said smoothly . " I apologize for your discomfort . " He turned to Olivaer and spoke in a low tone . " Can you take her to the path , Olivaer ? And come back when you 're done . " Olivaer walked the horses to the edge of the clearing where the path started , and Emmie was all too happy to follow . " Will you watch the horses , Emmie ? " Olivaer asked . " I 'm sure we won 't be long . " " Me too . " Olivaer turned away quickly before the sneeze overtook him . He walked away quickly , rubbing at his watering eyes . When he returned , Lyeale stood with her arms folded , watching him . She looked like a hawk eying a field mouse . " What do you two want from me ? " Lyeale demanded , ignoring Roduk 's question . " If you 're looking for tales of high adventure , you can leave now . I 've said all I care to say about the old days . " " I 'm not looking for tales , " Roduk said . " But I am interested in the old days , yes . I am looking for the three crystals that you brought back from Noxamu 's lair . " " I was told there are three crystals holding Noxamu 's essence , " Roduk said . " After you and the others defeated Noxamu , it was said that you drained his essence into three crystals and hid them . I 'm afraid I don 't know what they look like . None of the histories mention them . " " The same as anyone I suppose , " Olivaer said with a shrug . " He learned to live with it . He kept notes about important people on his desk . He went over them every morning . " " Some are worse than others , though , yes ? " Lyeale said . " That 's why some people have tattoos , eh ? They get locked up away from others . Tias got away with an easy one , I think . Forgetting faces . Not so bad . I suppose that child cowering by the horses has the same . Well , Warom got much worse . And me - " She shook her head and stopped talking . It was considered rude to ask about a person 's curses , so Roduk refrained from asking the obvious question . Olivaer wondered again what curses Roduk kept hidden from them . Whatever they were , they weren 't as obvious as his missing arm and his sneezing . " Stop calling me that , " Lyeale said . " I have no children . And if I knew about any crystals , I wouldn 't tell two strangers about them . No good can come of those things anyway . There 's only one thing you can do with those crystals and believe me , nobody wants that . We went through hell and damnation to get rid of Noxamu . I went through hell . More than you can ever know . " Her voice raised to shrillness . Lyeale 's eyes bulged for a moment , and then she laughed , a high - pitched , cackling sound that grated on Olivaer 's nerves . She laughed until it seemed she might fall down . Roduk hurried over to steady her , but she pulled away . " Leave me be , child , " she said , still chuckling . " Someone has been filling your head with lies . Who gave you such a daft idea ? " Roduk appeared to be somewhere between insulted and embarrassed . " I was hired by a scholar of some renown , who has studied the subject . He explained that there was no danger of Noxamu returning if there was no body for him to inhabit . And his body is long gone , thanks to you and the other two . My patron believes that bringing the three crystals together will be enough to remove the curses . " Lyeale squinted at Roduk , trying to decide if he were being truthful or not . " Your renowned scholar seems to have forgotten that Noxamu 's essence can inhabit anyone . Anyone who happens to be there . That means whoever brings the three crystals together will become Noxamu . " She stared at them and unconsciously licked her lips . It was a small movement but it gave Olivaer the impression she was hiding something . " Who is this scholar ? How is he renowned ? " Lyeale , however , ignored him . " How convenient . You should be wary of anyone who wants to find the crystals , " she said , jabbing a finger at Roduk . " There are those who wish to see Noxamu return and rule Sioma . Disciples . Followers . You aren 't one of those , are you ? " Now it was Roduk 's turn to laugh . " No , goodmo - good woman . I am certainly no disciple of Noxamu . Truthfully I am not a religious man at all . " " Not religious ? You look at the world and see no gods in it ? Everyone cursed , everyone suffering , every day ? No , child , you are blind . The gods play with us like children 's toys . I know this for certain . The gods turned their backs on me . On all of us . " She heaved a sigh . " But it makes no matter if a person is religious or not . The gods don 't care . " And gather the rewards of fame , Olivaer thought . Lyeale huffed with disdain at Roduk and turned her hawk - like gaze to him . It took him a moment to realize she wanted to know if he was a secret disciple of Noxamu . He cleared his throat . " I don 't either . Follow Noxamu , that is . " He wondered if the man who killed Tias - the man with the spider birthmark on his neck - was a Disciple of Noxamu . " Can you tell us what you know of the crystals ? " Roduk prompted again . Impatience tinged his voice now , though he hid it from his face well . " Why do you play these games with me ? " Roduk said , straightening his coat and folding his arms . Patience drained completely from his face . " Can you help us or not ? If the honor of our cause won 't affect you , I can pay handsomely for whatever information you can provide . " Lyeale 's grin widened , showing teeth that would chew no more . " Your coins mean nothing out here . What would I buy ? I have my pigs and chickens already . " She kicked at one of the hens wandering around her feet - in frustration , Olivaer thought - causing it to squawk and run away . " I am a simple woman of simple means . Forgive me my games . I do not get to talk with others out here . But now I think I have had enough . I know nothing of crystals . " It happened so fast that Olivaer was not sure he 'd seen it at all : Lyeale 's eyes flickered to the pond and back . " Leave here , " she said , and turned to go back into her house . She stopped and turned back . " Give up this foolishness before you get hurt . Or someone else gets hurt . " She disappeared inside the odd house and slammed the door shut . " Not here , " Roduk snapped . He led them back to where Emmie waited with the horses . " I saw it , too , " he said quietly . " The pond . Or maybe that statue . There 's something here . I can feel it . " " What are we going to do ? " Olivaer asked . " We can 't just dig around her home without her permission , and I don 't think she would like us going near that shrine at all . " " You really aren 't religious , are you ? That statue and the bench is a shrine to Tihabae , the Moon Goddess . She must be a follower . " Something about that tickled his mind , but he could not drag it out of his memory . " Remember ? She called it holy ground . " " I remember , " Roduk mused , tapping his chin thoughtfully . He was staring at the pond with a far - away look in his eye . " Perhaps after dark … " The shrine . " That 's it ! That 's what 's wrong with it . It 's a shrine to Tihabae , the Moon Goddess . " " Lyeale was Siom 's High Priestess of the Sun , " Olivaer said . " It was well known at the time . She appealed to Zyveses , the Sun Goddess , to bless the water that they used on Noxamu . So why does she have a shrine to Tihabae now ? " Roduk looked at him with exasperation . " What are you ranting about ? What does it matter what kind of shrine it is ? Maybe she changed her mind and pledged to a different goddess . " " Tihabae is a strange goddess to pick , " Olivaer said , watching the slanted house uneasily . " She is the goddess of mischief , and chaos , and the unexpected . The exact opposite of Zyveses . I wonder what happened to Lyeale back when they confronted Noxamu . It must have been something bad for her to renounce Zyveses . " " I don 't think she is going to tell us anything , " Roduk said . " At least , not now . But I mean to stay until she does . If we wait out here , she is bound to talk to us sooner or later . She can 't ignore us forever . Come on , let 's find a place to camp . Somewhere that she can see us from that window . " By the time the sun reached its zenith , they had cleared a small area in the forest and built a campfire pit . They had no real need for the fire , but Roduk said it would show the woman they meant to stay a long time . Emmie sat with her legs crossed , huddling as far from Lyeale 's house as she could . The headache had begun to affect her , too . Olivaer 's nose itched fiercely whenever he thought of her in pain , so he started to heat some water to make tea to take his mind off of it . " I don 't think it will be long , " Roduk said , leaning against a tree and staring at Lyeale 's house . " It must irritate her to see us here . She 'll talk to us before the sun sets , I 'll wager . " Roduk 's hopes of luring the woman out of her house soon disappeared . Hours passed with no sign of Lyeale . Olivaer spent the time writing down a chronicle of their encounter with Lyeale . He unrolled his writing supplies - feather quills and stoppered ink pots that he carried everywhere with him - and set about penning the words carefully into his journal book in fine script . He did not worry about neatness out here in the woods . He concentrated on getting the memories down accurately . Later , when he had access to a better place to write , he would transfer the words to a more permanent manuscript . He had nothing to dry his ink , so he had to blow on it . Still , it came out relatively smudge - free . When he was done , he had nothing else to do but watch Roduk pace back and forth , fidgeting with his sword belt . Roduk gave him a glare and kept pacing . " We 're running out of time . There are others after these crystals , and they are not far behind us . A day at most . Maybe even closer . They could be here any moment , in fact , while we are sitting here . " He stopped and came to a decision . " I 'm going to talk to her again , if I have to break down the door . She must be convinced to give over her crystal . " With that , he marched away from the camp in the direction of Lyeale 's house . She smiled and nodded , and his nose itched . He got up quickly and trotted after Roduk . Why did she have to smile at him ? It was always worse then . Even as he thought it , he sneezed . He tried to put her out of his mind . " I 'm not , " Olivaer said , raising his hands in self - defense . The thought never crossed his mind to try to stop Roduk . He had only known the man for a few short weeks , but he could already tell that Roduk was a stubborn mule once he was set on a course . " I just want to hear what she has to say . For the records . " So , I blew things up . An angry god descended and pulverized everything . He killed Lyeale , the mad old woman who was going to be an antagonist . He teleported Roduk , the brash young hero , back to his homeland , hundreds of miles away . And then he had the nerve to kidnap Emmie , the young woman who was on her way back to her family in the city . As if that weren 't enough , he took the crystal that the protagonists were there to find . Now I might as well throw out the story outline I 'd written , because I have no idea where to go from here . But you know what ? It sure jump - started my interest in this story . Maybe this is the final judgment on whether I am more of a plotter or a pantser . After a couple of weeks of brainstorming , I started writing on my new project , tentatively code - named " Curses . " I 've written perhaps 4 , 000 words , starting not at the beginning , but at the first sort of exciting milestone . I did this because I wasn 't really " feeling " it so I thought I would start at a " high point . " I hate it . It 's not exciting . It 's not even interesting . The characters are dumb . The plot is moronic . It 's flat , lifeless , and dead . |
I am daughter , although my parents have passed , a wife , mother and grandmother , and now another woman battling breast cancer . These are a few thoughts about my life and life in general . Some may be humorous , some serious - just like life . Come join me ! Quick note here . I have to get out to pack the troop carrier ( how appropriate today ) - even though I can 't load some of the furniture I salvaged from the lake house . Wouldn 't you know , no rain in Central Texas for months , and now . . . I understand from the neighbor ( 20 acres away ) that seven inches fell yesterday . It is very overcast here . Today we will be stopping to pick up MIL . I really , really don 't think she has any idea how big that truck is . Being a 4x4 , it sits higher than a regular truck - which is already too high for her . My SIL cannot get into our truck without a stool , and I definitely have trouble . I don 't know who is going to hoist her up about 20 inches to the running board - not me ! I especially won 't be hoisting today . This is a day of terrible muscle cramps . My left leg from the hip to the foot cramped a while ago . I really believe it is the statin I am taking that has lowered my cholesterol very low . When I went to the doctor , they asked if I was having muscle cramping . I said YES ! , but that didn 't change anything . Oh well , the last 2 hours of the trip will be sheer hell , but then we are free of her . Younger SIL will return her home ( but couldn 't come to get her ? ? ? ) , so we don 't have that . But the rest of the weekend will be with Son and family . Lots of time with Wiggle Worm . Peace . Today is a terrible day for arthritis , and I don 't know why . It began yesterday and continued into the night . It effected my sleep . I tried to use the recumbent bike Tuesday . If my knees would rotate just a bit , the pain was terrible . I lasted five minutes , but it was difficult . Yesterday , Son finished the sewing machine cabinet . He managed to get it upstairs himself , but while he was doing that ( maybe that 's why he moved it by himself ) , I was moving the old cabinet out of the way . That wasn 't an easy task . When you have three machines set up , space is at a premium . I didn 't want to move all the tables , so I sort of boxed myself into a corner several times . Plus my sewing chair is an old office chair , so it takes up quite a bit of space itself . What does that have to do with anything - I think it added to my soreness . I have finally made an appointment with the new orthopedic guy . They want my x - rays from the last doc . I hate to call to get them . His receptionist ( assistant , whatever - only other one in the office ) is really sweet , but the doctor is rather abrupt and rude . I didn 't want his " lay it open to fix it " idea about the rotator cuff . G tells me the films are mine , not his , but I really hate to call to get them . I feel like asking the assistant when he won 't be there . This post may be a little disjointed . Lady Bug is here . I love her dearly - but she is a " ratchet jaw . " She talks non stop ! But I love her so ! Peace . Today is a little of this and a little of that . Nothing earth shattering at all . Shadow is a big boy now . He has gotten his rabies shot . Next month he gets to use the big boy Advantage for cats . He is only 5 pounds now , and he has to be 9 . That will be next month at his rate of growth . Yesterday , G 's mother called . I thought it might be to note my birthday . The first time she called , I was thankful for caller ID . She never said a word , is was just heavy breathing . Now I am notorious for addressing obscene callers - it isn 't pretty . The second time , she hung up as soon as I answered . About noon , she called again . Her question was if we were going to the big family reunion this weekend - knowing the answer to this all along . She wants us to stop in the Capitol City to pick her up . The problem with this ? Well , let 's see . We travel to the SSB in the BIG F250 . I have trouble getting in . She is supposedly so infirm that she used to have people chauffeur her around in her car - no demands or anything . I do not see how in the world she is going to hoist herself into that truck ( besides her arthritis , back problems , she is 88 ) . The second problem is we are usually loaded with stuff . This time , we will have Simone AND Shadow . I 'm glad Lady Bug said she needed to stay with Daughter to help out since SIL will be out of town . The third problem is that we will be leaving here after noon . That means we will be late getting to the SSB ( at least a 5 hour drive - now extended by probably another 45 minutes ) , but fortunately Son and family will be going tomorrow . We won 't have to unlock the gap in the dark . If MIL was a nice person , it wouldn 't be quite as bad , but she NEVER calls us . My family doesn 't get birthday cards , and Christmas is acknowledged because the whole family is usually together . She has verbally attacked me on several occasions for no real reason . She has been so hard on G his entire life . His dad worked for the rail road and was gone a lot . She actually abused him when his dad was gone . Well - enough venting about hePosted by Technology . It has left me in the dust ! My internet connection is still wonky . Since Friday , it will be on and off . In fact , as I am writing , my wi fi keeps telling me it is reconnecting to the internet . That is not normal . I KNOW that as soon as I really need a connection - it will be off . That 's what happened then . I call Comcast and get them to send a " refresh signal " and it works , usually , for a while . I really thought I would be able to ditch Comcast and get an air card . I don 't think so . The monthly rate is just too high . Daughter and SIL have them , but I think they get a special deal since they are through their business . I don 't think my little craft business would qualify me for a special rate . I was really excited about an air card since it would give me access at the SSB , and since we are going on vacation in two weeks , it would give me access then . G tells me two of our hotels advertise free wi - fi . We 'll see . I spent the entire afternoon yesterday trying to transfer music from some of our vinyl collection onto my new Ipod . What a farce ! ! I finally got one side of one record on the Ipod four times . Not only did I have to learn how to interface the USB turntable with the laptop , I had to learn how to work the Ipod . I am still , obviously , fighting Itunes . I chose an album that had two lp 's . I have all four sides on the computer , but only one resides in Itunes . The others are in My Music . Today I will try to get those files from My Music into Itunes . What a way to spend the day . But I am going to try . We know from experience that traveling in the midwest there are areas that will not have radio transmissions . We thought the Ipod would be a great thing . So with that in mind , I saw a little thingy that goes into the power port on the car that holds the Ipod , recharges it , and plays through your radio speakers . I was entranced . I ordered it . I don 't remember from whom . Guess what ! It doesn 't fit any outlet in any of our vehicles . It must be for an 18 wheeler . The plastic part that is supposed to go into the holPosted by I chose a small local seafood restaurant for our celebratory birthday dinner last night . Their menu is a little more limited than the big seafood place here , but their quality is just as good with portions that are for normal people - not competitive eaters . As we were on the way , we could see bolt lightening around the area . Showers have been all around us for several days ( which we loved ) , but we had not gotten any rain to speak of . I really thought those showers would just go on by . We all got to the restaurant at the same time . That was absolutely amazing . I knew Son , Daughter in Law and Wiggle Worm would get there with us because Son had been assembling my new sewing cabinet which was my birthday present from G . But Daughter and brood were getting out of the car too . I had been worried about the restaurant being able to handle ten of us at once , so G stopped there earlier in the day to check . We certainly shouldn 't have worried . They ought to close on Sunday nights ! I don 't think they served more than 15 people other than us the entire time we were there which was from 6 : 30 - 8 . While we were sitting there , the skies darkened - and not from nightfall . The winds picked up , and the thunder and lightning got worse and worse . The lights dimmed several times , and we joked with Daughter in Law about eating in Cow Village and the lights going out ( that happened last Monday ) . After a bit , the winds were really howling . We looked out and a tent they had put up for something that was going on the previous evening collapsed . Then the hail started . The rain was a real toad strangler . That was a wonderful birthday present however . The rain is a blessed event around here . We had a good time , good food ( even Monkey Boy ate - a corn dog and french fries , but that is another story ) , a good visit , and a good rain . It was really all good ! If the Comcast gods allow my connection to continue - I 'll post this . Hope your Sunday was as good as mine ! Peace Yep , one year away from Medicare . With mixed emotions , I am looking forward to that because then my health insurance costs decrease dramatically . That 's important ! Here in Texas , we retired teachers have not had a raise in our annuity in eight years , and it doesn 't look promising in the near future . Last week we got a message in the Bulletin that if the state attorney general approves , we will be blessed with an extra $ 500 at the end of the year . Oh be still my beating heart ! I 'll try to not spend it in one place . Yes the body is 64 years old , and I think I feel every day of them . But the mind is still , oh , let 's say 16 ! We have been married 41 years in a couple of weeks . Just where did all the time go ? I can 't believe those numbers . Tonight we will go to dinner with the family . Getting them all together - in a restaurant - is always fun . Monkey Boy and Doodle Bug get bored - quickly . It really gets to be a circus . But I am really glad we can gather as a family . G " gave " me a new sewing cabinet for my birthday . I went to the store and bought it . Now I have to wait for Son to put it together . I really wish things would be sold in their usable form ! There is no way in God 's green earth I could get that thing together . It is in TWO boxes , and it is the smallest one they sell . OMG ! It is a very quiet day . The temperatures have moderated - a bit . There is rain in the area , but we seldom get it here . Galveston has been getting quite a bit , and I am thankful for them . Ike really did a number on them . The salt water remained on land for a long time , and the land is highly saline . Trees have died , and crops won 't grow . They have been below their rainfall for a long time , and the rain is really needed to wash out the salt . Hope your Sunday is peaceful and restful . Peace . On Wednesday , the person from the title company that was handling the closing of the lake property called - while I was out for a few minutes , of course , saying they were going to send the papers to G 's email at work . In fact , they had already sent them . He looked them over and saw that only one lot was listed . So that had to be corrected . His IT people at work told them the system would be going down at 6 pm , so he told the title company to send the updated paper work to my main email . Normally , that would be fine . Yesterday - not so much . The day began with a call from Daughter . Her sitter was sick , and Son in Law was still in Arizona . He would be landing about 10 . So I went over . I took my computer and logged on to her router . There was nothing new in my mail . Son in law did come in at the appointed time ( for a change ) . I went home and logged on here . Things were fine until about noon . My server went down . Wonderful Comcast ! ( It 's acting like it may again . ) I had no service . So I called G at noon and told him to check my email . Finally yesterday afternoon , the papers came in . We had to take them to a notary to sign , and they wanted them back TODAY ! Anyway , we got it all done . The papers went off at 5 pm . They should arrive today . The notary was at the bank . I never go into the bank . I will go through the drive through and hit the ATM . That 's it . She showed me all the new things they offer . I am now in the 21st century banking ! So the property is gone . It is the way it is . It 's time to move on . Peace I really have been dreading this . The lake house is going to closing on Friday . I really hoped the sale would fall through . But we got an email from the realtor that the buyer closed on her property on Monday , and would be ready to close on Friday . Daughter and Son in Law made the final trip last weekend . They brought back so much , but there is still things we couldn 't go through . I know I am losing yet more of my heritage . When V died , and it was obvious that Dad wasn 't ever going back to the house , her son sold it . Dad lived there for 20 years . He had so much there . I found some things , but there were whole areas that I didn 't have time to go through - beside the fact that G was " chomping at the bit " to return to Swampland . When my mother and Dad contemplated moving to the lake house to retire , they hauled a lot of stuff up there . He had built a three car garage , and it was full . Daughter tried to go through it , but she couldn 't get to it all . We both know there are still things there that would be of value - at least to us . She did find the cedar chest where Dad 's Masonic apron was stored . Of course , we are about 3 years too late with that one , but I really don 't think he cared . He had stopped paying dues a long time ago . But he was supposed to have been buried with that apron . With the rest of the funeral fiasco , he didn 't have a Masonic funeral either . We got him reinstated as a Mason . But , as I said , I don 't think it was that important to him anymore . So with the things that the vandals destroyed , the things that we have no room for , and the things we cannot possibly get through , another chapter closes . I still feel that I have failed . I have to let a property go . As I have said before , it is a property that he put so much into . But when there is no other desire to hold on to it in the family - what 's the use . The really ironic part of this whole thing . When we were there the middle of July , the property behind the house is being developed . We have waited all these years for other properties to be around this onPosted by Yesterday was Doodle Bug 's second birthday . That 's great isn 't it . Another birthday . Whoo hoo - let 's celebrate ! Only in my mind , I thought her birthday was TODAY ! I am really beginning to wonder about my brain . For weeks , I have thought her birthday is today . When I talked to Daughter last night , she was cookin to DB about her birthday . One big problem - I haven 't been shopping for her . I did get the scrapbook made , but still . . . Aaannnnnd , I won 't go shopping today either . I bought MY birthday present today after I went to the cardio doc . I am tired of holding my hands up in the air to sew , so I bought a new sewing table that fits my machine and brings me into the 21st century . The arthritis in my next was just too much for me to continue . But the boxes ( some assembly required ) are still in the back of the truck . I don 't know that I can move them . I can 't lift things like I used to . Between the arthritis and the reconstruction that put a back muscle in my chest , I just can 't do things . At least I didn 't forget her birthday , I just had the wrong day ! Peace . Watching the news on Friday , one of the reporters commented about being his grandparents remote control to change the station to watch Walter Cronkite 's news . That made me think about memories that children have of spending time with their grandparents . I don 't have a lot of memories of grandparents . Both of my grandfathers died before I was born . I have vague , grainy memories of my maternal grandmother . I think I was less than eight when she died . My strongest memory is of my standing in the kitchen when she made potato soup . She lived with us at the time , but that is the only real memory I have of her . I have memories of her presence , but not of her . My fraternal grandmother died when I was about sixteen . I used to go out to her house and stay frequently , and I do have some memories of her . The strongest is sleeping with her at night . She would pull out her dime novel which was a paperback western ( probably what they were called - don 't really know ) . I would have something to read also - probably a comic book , and we would lay there under the reading lamp attached to the head board . Something happened with the relationship between my parents and my grandmother . Of course , I was a child who was totally self involved . The world revolved around me . This is a situation that I have come to hate at this point in my life . I wish I had listened to stories about family and the like . I was sure my parents would be around forever . Well , forever came sooner than I thought with my mother 's death from cancer at 57 , and still I didn 't take advantage of having my dad . When he developed Dementia at the age of about 88 ( dementia is strange - it creeps up ) , it was too late for me to get information from him . All this brings me to something else . Last week , when I was over at Susan 's Grandparent Blog , she was talking about parents having to detox their children after a visit to the grandparents . I think the relationship between children and their grandparents is so special , and I may feel that way because mine was so limited . I am sPosted by My luck , or lack of same , still holds strong . Today was the day Daughter in Law and I chose to go to a small city north of here to get my driver 's license renewed . What should have been easy is going to end with me in a drugged haze . We left a bit late , but that wasn 't the cause of the problem . The problem was one that we couldn 't have known about . The Junior High students from another town in that county had come to take the test for their learner 's permit . All ten of them . The Driver 's License Office hold six people . We got there , walked around the building to the door where we encountered three people waiting outside . We were told that the office was full , and we would be called for . The real problem here was simple - there were no benches . That is why I chose what I thought would be easy . I knew the Swampland offices had no benches and a lot of people . After a bit , we decided we could go in . There was nothing apparently happening . Just a bunch of hormonal teens around . There were a couple of people ahead of the teens who also needed just to renew . They finally got through , and the ONE clerk began with the testees . I managed to find a desk to park myself in to ease the pain in my knees , feet and back . But then the clerk said the desks needed to be emptied as the tests were going to begin . So , I was standing again . All in all , I stood for a good hour . I am so miserable right now that mere words don 't cover it . I finally got my renewal - which is running two months late ! It 's me and the paper receipt , baby . What should take no more than 45 days is not 10 - 12 weeks . I would love to find humor in this . I really would . But there isn 't any . I am off to take one of my horded post surgery pain pills . I hate to do it , but this is a qualifying circumstance . Then I know I 'll slip into a quasi - sleep . Hope your weekend is good . Ours has potential . We are supposed to be getting a cool front bringing rain and greatly reduced temperatures . The predicted highs are 10 degrees cooler that what we have had . I can 't remember when I loPosted by That stupid cat thinks he is ten feet tall and bullet proof . I just wonder if he is Simone teeth proof ? Last week , he decided it was so much fun to run by the sleeping dog and bat her in the nose . I thought it was funny too . I was trying to get a picture , so I was concentrating on that . Suddenly Simone jumped at him . That brought all of that to an abrupt halt . Last night , he again decided she was a play toy . He kept jumping at her , until . . . You guessed it . She had enough . She jumped at him again and snapped . Of course , this is after I forgot to clear the dinner table immediately . It has been a while since I have had a cat . Our last cat wouldn 't get on the table because he was blind . Poor Ralph had detached retinas . He lived a good life even though he was blind . We just made sure we didn 't change any furniture around . He even survived Son 's cats that we kept for a while ( 2 years ! ! ) . It was really my fault Shadow got on the table . There were all those wonderful aromas lingering . I also hold him while I am writing on this laptop . I thought he was thinking he was in my arms and not on the table , but I guess I was wrong . Right after we got him and he was only about 3 inches long , he would stand on his hind legs to be picked up . I thought it was cute , so I did . Well , he is still doing the same thing - and so am I . But I will try to train him again to stay off the table . Training him to leave Simone alone is a different thing all together ! Peace . My driver 's license expires on my birthday this year . No big deal , right ? No it is a big deal . This year , everyone whose driver 's license expires has to go to the office to renew because the card will be encoded with car insurance information . So when you are pulled over for speeding , the police knows if you have insurance , immediately - I guess . Now even THAT wouldn 't be a problem , but since Swampland is , what , the fourth largest city in the states , we have a lot of people . A lot of people means a lot of people will be having their license expiring on their birthdays . Should still be no problem , but it is . You see , we only have about six offices in Swampland , and one of those is closed for renovations . This means that the lines are looooooooooong . This means that ol ' Grandma K would have to stand for a long time . She cannot do that little thing . Now , in theory , one is supposed to be able to make an appointment . That would probably be true , IF their phone wasn 't busy 24 / 7 ( at least I think it is ) . I honestly believe there is a single line into their office . To rub salt into wounds , there are two counties close by my house ( which is a small city in the far northwest corner of our county ) that each have a driver 's license office . They have a few citizens in their counties . One of the offices is about 45 minutes away and the other is an hour away . Guess where I am going on Friday ! Yes , I 'm putting my behind into my car , getting Daughter in Law and Wiggle Worm to go with me , and heading north to a smaller county . While we are there , we will go to a large farmer 's market to get our fruits and veggies for the week . In addition to that problem , the department has a virus infecting their computers . Normally , it take about 45 days to get your renewal . That isn 't happening these days . The little paper thingy is expiring before the new card comes . They are asking police to be lenient with expired paper temporary licenses . You can 't win in this situation . I foresee a ticket in my future that I will have to take months to settle . Posted by The weekend was like typical weekends when there are more than the two of us in the house at the SSB . There were time it was quiet ( 3 A . M . ? ) , and there were times of absolute chaos . But we survived . I was most concerned with the delivery of the new dishwasher . That should have been the least of my worries ! That was the smoothest part , and even then it wasn 't without it 's snag . Friday morning , we got a call that it would be delivered between 11 - 12 . That time came and went . About 1 : 30 , the phone rang . The delivery person said he thought it was at our house and no one was home . No - he was at sister - in - law 's house . Then he called saying he couldn 't get through the cattle guard . We told him to use the gate . He hadn 't seen the gate . When Daughter and brood got there , SIL started getting ready to install the machine . It had no power cord . We decided we went into Bitty Town Saturday for the craft store , lets call the guy that has a store with one of everything under the sun . After he checked our genealogy , he looked and had a power cord . So the installation would have to wait . Saturday the craft show was pretty good . Even with the temperature hovering around the 100 mark , it wasn 't too bad . We had a great spot - not where I really wanted to be , but closer . We had traffic , but since we had to lower our prices to stay in line , we didn 't make as much money . Back home , SIL put the power cord on . Think that was it ? No way ! We needed a new water supply line . The one they sent with the machine ( $ 20 , thank you very much ) , didn 't fit . So Sunday , a trip to Fritztown was scheduled . To cut to the chase with this part of the story , it finally is in and works ! Monkey Boy was an absolute brat the entire weekend . If something doesn 't go his way , he whines and then cries about it . When he is told " no , " he continues doing whatever it is . When he is like this , it sets the girls off . I thought " Pa , " otherwise known as G , was about to step in , but he didn 't - thank goodness . Daughter , Lady Bug , and I picked up some kind of intestinal thingy . We haPosted by This weekend is going to be rough to be sitting under the pecan trees hawking our wares . For a while , it looked like the temperatures might be in the mid to upper 90 's , but the weather gurus are predicting 101 . I sent our reservation in early this year . I am so hoping we get on the east side of the Courthouse . In the past , I have been a little late , and we end up on the west side . It has always been hot , but with the big trees , it was tolerable . As usual , I tossed and turned instead of falling asleep thinking about all the items I had planned to make , and didn 't . After every show , I promise myself that I will discipline myself to go up every day to sew . It just doesn 't happen . Then comes the next show ( there are 6 month intervals here ) , and I still haven 't done everything I want to do ! In other trivia , Simone went for her bath today . When I called yesterday , the guy that is there in the evenings teased me when I asked if she could get a bath today . He told me I could bathe her when ever I wanted . I was so proud of her . Instead of going for a drag to the back , she actually walked . I did have to go with her , but she actually walked . It might be due to the fact that for the last bath the big guy came out and carried her back ! So it 's off to the SSB tomorrow morning . I hoped Daughter and family would be coming then , but she ended up having her boss work with her tomorrow . We needed SIL to unhook the dishwasher so they will take it away when they bring the new one on Friday . I guess G and I will have to learn how ! Lady Bug will be going with us tomorrow . After the last time she decided not to spend the night - I am a little worried . I still think that came about because of the sewing lesson . Kids ! They are so hard to read sometime . But she seems to be genuinely excited and happy about going with us . I don 't think it is just because she is getting away from her brother . Monday will be a trial . We are stopping by the lake house - for the last time . It is going to close by the end of the month it seems . We are getting some oPosted by Talk about a cold front ! The temperature only got to about 93 yesterday ! This morning - rain . Are we back in the right universe ? Seriously , this is a nice break from the oppressive heat we have been experiencing , but the weather gurus tell me that our resident high pressure system is lonely and moving back over us . It will remain there for another indefinite time keeping us snugly warm under its blanket of hot air . I knew the weather was going to change , but this time it wasn 't my knees , hip , and back that warned me . I went out yesterday to buy the spray paint to repaint the clothing stand I need for Saturday . If I have an outdoor activity that has to be done today - it will rain . Of course G , in his usual manner , reminded me that I could have done that painting this past weekend . Yep , could have - except I didn 't want to get out to the store . Such is life . I am just glad we got the rain . Things are getting really bad . I see the sun is beginning to come back out . It will probably clear up later , and I can do my outside thing . The " feels like " temp will only be 120 with the humidity rather than 107 like it has been . Peace . Our plan for the partnership discussion with the kids didn 't work out . Son and DIL went to spend the fourth with her dad . The holiday traffic kept them in the car for about 8 hours . That is about twice what it should have been . Wiggle Worm was DONE . So they didn 't join us for dinner . Of course that dinner was also to have celebrated Monkey Boy 's fifth birthday ( today ) and Son 's 33rdMy next plan I don 't want to do at all . I have to GO to the office to have my driver 's license renewed . Here is Texas - that is a nightmare . Swampland has about 5 offices . I 'm not sure they have that many because I know one is closed for renovations . I don 't think I can stand for such a long time in line . I really don 't know what I am going to do . It is SOOOO tempting to just drive without one ! When I was researching locations , one site said you could get an appointment . I have never heard of that , but then when you try to call it seems they only have one phone line - and it 's always busy . Go figure . Last night I thought would be Shadow 's last . Simone was lying on the floor , minding her business . Shadow kept running by batting her nose . She finally had enough . She got up and lunged at him . Do you think that stopped him . Not one bit ! She looked like she was going to do him in at any minute . I finally put him to bed in the hall bath . I did manage to get the turquoise and red coral necklace made . I ordered the materials last year after the up coming craft show . It got made yesterday ! I 'm really on top of things . What I haven 't done is the " crocheted " covered Christmas ornaments . I have about 10 packs of ornaments silently waiting for their covers . Well - perhaps next year . I may try to get a couple of western themed Christmas stocking done before Wednesday . Peace . Happy Fourth of July ! As usual , we are facing another day of 100 + temps . I really don 't see any relief in the near future . June was a record hot and dry month . But enough of that . I got my serger to work yesterday . I am making purses from Lady Bug 's outgrown blue jeans . That serger just flew through the bottom seams . I have some drapery sample fabric that is making the lining really cute ! I think they will sell next weekend . We were supposed to go to Daughter 's house to " hang out , " but there is no reason to do that . We have everything here that they have , just not other people to visit with . But it is also much quieter and no drama . I started wire brushing my display rack that has rusted and looks terrible . The rust is not all coming off . I had thought of spraying it with chrome paint , but I am thinking of using a different color . I don 't think the chrome paint will cover as much as I want . I feel sort of like Garrison Keillor on A Prairie Home Companion - it 's been a quite day here in Swampland . . . But I don 't have any other stories to tell about anything . We are just trying to stay cool and hydrated around here . Peace . In one fell swoop yesterday , one swipe ( well actually a lot of swipes ) of the pen , G and I went from owing no one to the probability of owing a mortgage company . Last Sunday I went to look at a house on the street behind us that has gone into foreclosure . It has been on the market at least three months , and vacant for two . I was really afraid of that house - I mean its condition . The pictures on the Multiple Listing site here were grim . There looked to be a lot of damage upstairs . They stated water damage . I thought the roof was gone . In reality , it seems the a / c condenser pan overflowed and some goober fell through the ceiling while working on it . The goober may well have been the owner . I took Daughter and Contractor . We all felt that the house was really fairly nice . It seemed the most it needed was cosmetic . Of course , when we had " the flood " about 5 years ago , it did flood . But I know the city has done a lot of work on the drainage , and the county is doing more . So G and I made an offer on the house yesterday . We had to go through the pre - approval process . Get this - we are tentatively approved . We have to furnish the taxes we pay on our properties , the insurance , and the deeds to properties . I know the mortgage companies were too lax before , but . . So IF it goes through - the bid , the mortgage , and the inspection ( I wouldn 't buy it if there are major structural / mechanical problems ) , we will have an investment property . The next step is to form a limited partnership with the kids - if they want in . It is sort of exciting . We 've been toying with this for several months now . The first step has been taken . We will know in at least a week . Peace . He survived his first night at home . He is determined to gnaw at those stitches , so last night I decided that he would have to wear the e - collar all night . Since he had to wear that collar , I then decided that being in the hall bathroom wasn 't enough , so I put him in his little crate . I hate having this collar on him . It is so big that it makes eating and drinking impossible . He also has no balance with it on . The balance issue was the determining factor in the crate . I have dreams of training him to this crate , but I am also a realist . He hates it ! I don 't think he will ever like the crate . He is a little wild man - still . He attacks everything . He will rest peacefully in my arms for a long time , then he turns into the devil himself to chew my hands . Right now he has found his best place in the world . He is sandwiched between me and the laptop - on the table ( ugh ) . So , I will get the disinfectant out in a bit to clean his little 15 square inches of table top . It is going to be a long ten days . I just hope we both emerge unscathed at the end of the time ! This is a picture of him with the dreaded collar . I took it for G to show a co - worker . He is so black that I had to severely edit it . Otherwise , he would not be visible . Peace . It 's amazing how much a " free " cat can cost . I got Shadow out of hock today ( picked him up from the vet ) . I can 't believe how much that little rascal cost . I love my vet " s office . There are four doctors there , and I trust them all . I started going to them when I had an emergency , and the vet I had used for over 20 years wasn 't in the office . I love this new clinic , but I think they are a bit pricey . When I left Shadow for the surgery , I had to pay extra for IV fluids yesterday and pain meds including what I would bring home . They do things like this . When you board , if you don 't take a luxury suite , your dog goes in a little kennel ( crate ) . As much as I love Simone , I can 't afford those suites . They push $ 100 / day . I 'm glad she sleeps most of the day ! ! I got Shadow home , and he immediately began gnawing on his stitches . So we were off to the pet store for an E collar . It is difficult finding one for a small kitten ! Putting that darned thing on was a trick . I bought a collar with a bell on it also . That seems to be doing a good job of distracting him from his feet though . The E collar is still here - just in case . I contacted a home improvement store near the SSB since the dishwasher there crashed . Boo - hoo ! I have hated that one since day 1 . I can 't believe how expensive dishwashers are . I always thought when you got into the $ 600 range , those were the top of the line . I was amazed as a perused the listings on line . The one I finally settled on is a lower mid range , but I needed a large capacity . WHen everyone is there , there are a lot of dishes ! Paper is not a good option because it has to be brought home only coming home , it 's dirty ! So my credit card got big hits today ! They would be happier if I didn 't pay it off at the end of the month ! Hope you can guard your pennies better than I have been able to do today ! Peace . I was a woman who dreaded the thought of getting older and becoming a grandmother . Now being a grandmother is one of my greatest joys . Time changes us all . Hopefully for the better . Retirement is the greatest thing in the world - I wish I could have done it at 23 . |
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Books by SurvivorsNazisAdolf Eichmann - PBSAdolf Hitler 's PlanHimmler SpeechGoebbels DiariesLetter on SterilizationLetters on EuthanasiaNazi Letters on ExecutionsPage of GloryVictimsHomosexualsGypsiesGypsies in Auschwitz IGypsies in Auschwitz 2Babi Yar PoemPolish Citizens and JewsChildren of SurvivorsEducateHolocaust Study GuideHolocaust Books A - ZAnne Frank : The Biography | 1998 Holocaust Book Lucille E . Interview E : The first time I came to Poland that I really recall , walking on my own , was when I was 4 years old . We came to Poland , we got out of the train , we traveled I think for three days in a first class compartment . And the porter came at night making up the beds , I thought it was great fun . We arrive at the railroad station and a relative picked us up and took the suitcases outside the station . There was a buggy and a horse and a driver . I refused to get into that horse , I absolutely didn 't , I threw a tantrum , I wanted a taxi . I would not get into a buggy with a horse . The horse was alive , the horse moved , and I wanted a taxi like I was used to . Coming to my grandmother 's house , it was a nice house , not as nice as what I was used to but it was nice . E : Yes . She had a store , she spoke Yiddish to me , she wore a wig , she was very religious . And she would always give me a candy but I had to hide it , I wasn 't supposed to eat so much candy . There was a lot of ground around the house and the ground was cultivated by the peasants . They had a lot of huge yellow cucumbers which were then pickled and sold . A little bit down the road I had an aunt who cultivated poppies , I mean acres and acres of red poppies and the poppy seeds were dried and used as poppy seeds , not opium . The front of my grandmother 's store faced out on one of the main streets , the larger streets . The street was not paved , it was raining and it was summertime . The peasants with their horse drawn wagons would come and bring chickens , the chickens were alive , the feet were tied but the chickens were alive so with the tied feet they couldn 't take off . When the unpaved road of the main street was mud and wet , the peasants would take off their shoes , they didn 't wear stockings , socks , and they would walk barefoot and I would stand their and look . The mud would ooze out through the toes , you know in between the toes , and I thought that was very strange , people without shoes . I 'd never seen that before . I remember going to my uncle 's store , who lived in the center of town of the ring , and he had a hardware , houseware store . I remember my father scolding him that nothing had prices . The buckets didn 't have a price , the brooms didn 't have , nothing had a price . My father had lived in Germany already too long and his mind was too orderly to comprehend that you went in and bartered , you bargained . You didn 't just pick up a bucket and say , oh it 's five dollars . I pay you five dollars . That wasn 't done . I know that my uncle had three sons who were ten or fifteen years older than I . They were at the university and they had trouble as Jews , they were standing in the last row for lectures , for instruction . So my father and my uncle pooled their money because they had much more money in Germany anI : How many children in her family ? E : Sambor . S A M B O R . It 's not far from Tarnopol . I : So this was , at the outbreak of war this was the portion that went under German , uh , Russian control ? E : It was still under German rule . Because I remember one of my uncles writing a postcard that he had to do forced labor and that the aunts were no longer in Sambor . And that already was fairly late so it was under German occupation . Because the postcard had a German stamp . I : Did you hear anything , once the war commenced , was there any communication with your family , between let 's say your mother 's family or your father 's family ? E : Yes , there was still , as along as we could , we wrote . Which I would say was probably until early 1941 or so . The letters were really in very careful language , they were phrased . My mother would write to her brother and said , how does Uncle Ivan feel ? That means , are the Russians there or how are the Russians ? I once wrote a postcard and I signed my name , Cecelia L . W . W . , a German abbreviation for widow . So when my uncle got the postcard he wrote back that I can see that only you are left . You know there were little things you tried to cover up . And you got some communication but … E : Well he wrote that this aunt and this aunt and that aunt don 't live here or are not here . He was a really sick man , he had some spinal trouble , he couldn 't stand straight . He was working he said . E : In forced labor . There were considerable amount of Jews in Sambor . He did not really give any details . It was an open card , it happened to slip through . Which was unusual what he did . E : In the beginning we received some mail . We could send out three or four postcards during the first two years . And then it ceased completely . I : But in 1944 you did receive … . E : There was a post office , there were several post offices , like a little substation . I even remember seeing the letter carrier in the very beginning , which later on disappeared . I don 't whether somebody called me or said to pick up a postcard or whether somebody just dropped it by the house . That I don 't remember . E : It was a large Jewish community . I believe before the war or during the ' 20 's and ' 30 's , the town had 10 , 000 inhabitants , I think it 's 10 , 000 . There 's always been some dispute between 10 and a hundred but I don 't know for sure . It had a community I know that , people who ran for political office would make a stop there . It had a Jewish community , it had a Jewish cemetery , it had a Jewish synagogue . The amount of Jews , I 'm just not able to tell you how many . E : My family was there for three generations ; my mother was born there , my grandmother was born there , her mother before her was born nearby . So there is a story that my father 's family came from Spain over Holland into Poland , but again since they 're not Sephardic Jews , I 'm not sure this is true . It could be I don 't know . I : When was the last time you saw Sambor ? As a child I mean . E : Well they were very traditional . I remember before Yom Kippur , my grandmother having a chicken , she 'd go _ I don 't know , there 's a Yiddish expression for it I don 't know what it is in Hebrew _ I remember going down to the river and emptying out the pockets . There very traditional things that you don 't do or did not do in the Western countries , you sort of skipped by them . E : Yes , the town was deported to various camps , most of them were killed even before they hit Auschwitz . You know in small - sub camps like Hannenmoor , whatever they , they had these vans that were gas equipped . There was really no , I had not run across a group of people that really stayed in Sambor very late and survived . I tried to go back but there was a problem crossing the border into the Soviet Union , into that area with an American passport from Poland . The next time I probably tackle that in a different way . I tried but it didn 't work . E : No , no , it 's in the Soviet Union . They call it the Ukraine but the language spoken there is Russian . I : It was my understanding that the Ukraine was under Russian domination until 1941 , June of 1941 . E : There is a slight difference , geographically , between the Ukraine and Galacia . Galacia like to call itself the Ukraine , because it 's adjacent , but it 's not really the Ukraine . Because some of it was German occupied . I : One final question before I move on . When you came to Lodz , you had a suitcase with you . Do you remember the clothes you had and brought with you ? Did they last you for all the five years you were there ? E : No they didn 't . Yes they did in a way because the Jewish tailors in Poland were very ingenious . They could take something that had gotten two sizes too small , turn it inside out , make it two sizes larger , and get you a new jacket . Essentially yes , I wore pretty much the old clothing . E : I had a winter coat which was too light , so I wore two winter coats , one on top of the other . I had shoes which were useless because in winter , they just did not do well in snow . I had frostbite , I almost lost the toes . I had a jacket , a skirt , some blouses , and a couple of dresses , and my mother had a leather hatbox . One of those round hatboxes out of the ' 20 's . And eventually I took it to the shoemaker and had a pair of boots made . I paid him by giving him the leftovers of leather . That was his payment and he made the boots . I haven 't worn a pair of boots since , even though the fashion here is for knee high boots , I wouldn 't buy a pair of boots . I have worn boots thank you . E : No , nobody had pants in those days . We had stockings and you repaired them , and you repaired them they were full of these mending spots . New stockings , I don 't remember ever getting new stockings . For money you could have gotten anything . For money or for food . But I didn 't have either . I : How did you bathe ? E : We didn 't . You had a little bowl , like a little schüssel , like a little bowl , and you put a some water in it and you hoped that there was no ice on top of it . Because at night it formed a crust of ice and you brought it up from the pump , you know which you pumped . You sort of took the bowl and washed yourself to the waist and then when you 're through with that , you wash the rest of yourself . E : Yes , but there was no toothpaste . There was an old broken down toothbrush because they don 't last very long . The teeth started decaying and I lost fillings . I once went to a dentist who had a drill which was foot operated , with a foot pedal _ I think her daughter lives in Los Angeles _ she tried to repair it but there wasn 't really much she could do . If I were to visualize now to live four or five years without a shower or bath , it is absolutely inconceivable . But we did . E : Yes , yes , and they carried typhoid . If you wore a sweater , let 's say a week or two weeks , if you turned it inside out the seams , you know the sleeve seams , the should seams , you would see little white spots . And those were the eggs of lice . And we had a lot of trouble , a lot of illness , I had typhoid and typhus . E : Yes , one is intestinal and the other one is carried by lice . Spots . Sort of measly like . I : Would you , let 's talk about the deportation . You have described your meeting Dr . S . , at the station , with his entire family . Including your friend , his daughter . You boarded these cattle cars that were sealed . Could you explain what happened after that ? The trip ? E : The trip was stuffy , it was August , it was hot . There was a bucket on the train but I have vague recollections , whether they let us empty it or not . Here we had this loaf of bread which we couldn 't eat . And we speculated a great deal . Dr . S . was a great optimist and he believed things were going to get better . He was a Zionist and he had a sense of humor . After three or four days the cattle cars came to a stop . It was early in the morning , probably , the watch said probably it was three or four in the morning . It was dark . E : No , we sort of crouched in corners , there wasn 't much room but we sort of crouched together . When the door opened , the first thing we saw was huge spotlights , from the platform onto the train . We saw the SS and the dogs . E : It was four in the morning , three in the morning . A lot of screaming , alot of commands . They hurried us out of the trains . We were barely out when they said to drop the luggage . The suitcase or whatever we had . My friend dropped hers . I did not . One of the SS came towards me , with I don 't know , either a gun or a whip . And she tore it out of my hand and dropped it . I didn 't want to give up my passport and my papers and my birth certificate . You know , I can 't live without it . Almost immediately they separated the men from the women . It took minutes , seconds . We didn 't even say good - bye to Oscar or to Erwin , I mean they were just on the other side . And then they tried to separate the women again . The young ones from the old ones , the children from the … E : Oh yes , you know little children , two , three , four , six , you know , any age . Not a great deal , but some . I remember a man in a striped uniform with a hat , with an armband that read Kapo , standing next to us . And my friend asked him in German , where are we ? He said , Auschwitz . She said , what 's Auschwitz ? And he said , you 've never heard of Auschwitz ? And she said , no . He said , it can 't be . When he asked where do you come from , we said from Lodz . He said , do you know Luba ? Do you know anybody named Luba , I 'm looking for my sister . But I work as sort of a policeman , Kapo , for the Germans . We said , no we don 't know anybody and we left . From that , after that separation , you know the young ones from the old ones , we went into a room , into a barracks . They asked to take off all jewelry , all watches , all clothing . And whoever didn 't took a terrible beating or worse . And there we stood naked , shivering in the heat . , and then the took us to another barracks . Something happened in front of us , we didn 't know quite what . The people in front of us sort of moved , moved ahead . E : No , it wasn 't really a line , it was a line and a line and a line , if was almost like a grouping . When we were in the front line we saw that the Kapos were shaving the hair , all body hair . And if you looked at the women , once the hair was shaven it was just , it was a sight that was so terrible that it really didn 't , at that moment , compare to anything we had seen . You saw those bowling balls with protruding ears and those frightened eyes and it was like , something out of a nightmare . They yanked Ellie out of line and they cut her , she had long black hair , they cut her hair and before I knew it I was next . The SS woman who gave the order to the Kapo , who was essentially a prisoner , to shave my hair , was short and blonde and squat . And fat , the uniform didn 't fit and she wore glasses . I hated her , I don 't think I 've ever hated anybody as much . I don 't know whether she saw or whether she felt , but she slapped me very hard and I just reeled over to one side . After the hair was gone , they pushed us through sort of a swinging door and the top part of the swinging door was glass . And in one second I saw a reflection that was I . Ears , an oval head , and eyes . It was nobody I knew . It was horrifying , that sight . There was some cold showers , we were sort of rushed through them , if you got a drop of water , yes , if you didn 't you didn 't . At the other end an SS woman started laughing and she said , the gas chambers are overworked tonight , or today . We 'll get you tomorrow . There 's plenty of time . We had never heard of gas chambers . We didn 't know what it was . We were thrown a garment at random , just a piece of cloth , whether it was an apron , a dress , just one piece , no underwear , no stockings , nothing . You put that thing on , mine was black and it had sort of a red trim on the top , very strange , very large . It was sort of like cotton . And we were lined up again in groups of five . The fifth in our group , which was my friend Ellie and I , and her mother and her aunt , and the fifth woman was a little woman namThe Kapo in this barracks was a young woman , Jewish , I don 't know whether she was from Hungary or from Poland . She yelled a great deal and she ran around with a reed or stick , and anything in her way she would beat . And she took her orders from the Germans . I : But she was Jewish . E : She was Jewish , yes , but she had a supervisory position . And at night she had a little cubicle at the end of the barracks . And there was a rumor that one of the SS came at night and spent the night with her , every night . But it was a rumor , because the barracks were dark at night , we did not know . In 1946 the rumor turned out to be true , she was in New York with that man . I met her at Altman 's . In the morning they would round us up and we would stand for a spell and they would count us and recount us for hours and hours . It was freezing cold , at five in the morning or whatever , and by noon it was boiling hot , my whole scalp was full of blisters from the sun , the ears . And this went on for a few weeks , maybe two or three weeks I 'm not sure of the exact amount of days , and then we were told , she told us , that tomorrow morning Dr . Mengele will inspect . Procedure is , you take off your dress , you carry it over your left arm , and you walk past that committee of three , Mengele and two others , as fast as you can . And he 'll indicate right or left . So Ellie and I decided that I go first , she follows me . We go very fast , we don 't look right we don 't look left , just almost run . I almost fell but I made it . And he motioned me to one side and Ellie to the same side . I : Did you know what this meant ? E : No . They said selection . We later on found out it was either the hospital or to the gas chamber , or to a work camp . We were then marched to a new barracks , we were given shoes regardless of size , just shoes . And we were given a coat that had a big yellow stripe across the front ; but underneath the stripe , the fabric had been cut away . So if you wanted to run away and take off the yellow stripe , there would be no fabric . Then we were loaded into cattle cars and we were in those cattle cars I think for three or four days , again stop and go , stop and go . It was very hot , it was Indian summer . The top of the cattle cars had a small , small opening , you know with barbed wire . It was so hot we took all our clothing off , we couldn 't stand it . I climbed on Ellie 's back and I looked out and I said Ellie , this looks like the vicinity of Hamburg . She got very angry and she said , sit down , you 're out of your mind . I sat down and we traveled another day or two . We arrived in the evening at a siding and the doors were opened from the outside . The SS who were waiting for us , or the Commandant of this group of SS , said , You are at Konzentrationslage Neuengamme , Arbeitslager Zassel , Stadtet deseraufe , Hamburg . So Ellie looked at me , and she said , well your were right . Do you know anybody here ? Not a soul . E : A couple of weeks . So she said , what good does it do you , what good does it do you if you are here ? What are you going to do with it ? Nothing . It 's the same thing as if you were in Poland . And she was right . We worked for the first three weeks cleaning up shipyards that had been bombed at night by the Americans . And it was hard work . We got a lot of cuts and infections . I had a cut on the left hand and one of the German 's corpsman , medical corpsman , lanced it and said if you scream , heaven help you . So I didn 't scream , I fainted . And then they transferred us to another camp , about twenty miles away . There we worked on construction , temporary housing type things . The treatment was harsh , the beatings were frequent , two people died of beatings . Food was in very short supply . On the second day there , one of the SS came into the barracks and said , " Rumor has it that one person here is from Hamburg . Who ? " So since everybody knew I was the only one , I had no way of hiding . He said , you work in the office , you speak the language , you write the language . What 's your name ? Where did you live ? Where did you go to school ? I worked in the office which was not cold in winter , which was an advantage . But if the SS were in a foul mood or the commandment whose private quarters were adjacent to the office , when he came through we had to stand up . But whenever he was in a foul mood he would beat us . We were running around with bloody bruised legs , with swollen eyes and bruised faces . There was one other young woman who worked in the office . E : Yes . People envied us , our friends envied us , you sit in the office . You 're not out in the cold . We didn 't have more food , we had the same amount of food unless we stole something . That was very risky and very difficult . We did it twice . But , and if we could spare something we gave something away . Ellie got very pale , she coughed a great deal , and she envied me a great deal . She was very angry that I was in the office and she was not . But there was nothing I could do . I couldn 't say , tell the Germans , take her to the office , in fact I didn 't even dare speak to them . When I showed her the bruises she said forget it , that 's nothing . So it 's relative , if you hurt , you hurt differently than the other person . There was one very low ranking SS guard who patrolled the perimeter or rather the entrance of the camp . It had barbed wires and towers , but it only had 500 inmates . One day he called and he said , pick up the rubber shear . I picked it up and he started to talking and he said , I hear you 're from Hamburg . And I said yes . And he said , what was your name ? Who was your father ? He said , I don 't like this duty anymore than you do . I was a Communist before the war . He lived in a very poor section of town , he lived in Altona , and we talked for a little while . Both of us were afraid . I said I have a proposition . You find me a place to hide , you look the other way and get me some food . And I will sign over one of my father 's houses , I am the sole heir , to you . Well he came back the next week and he dropped a box of paper clips and made me pick them up so he could talk . And he said , I checked you out . The houses are there , your father was the owner , and I am very tempted . I am a very poor man , I 'll never be a rich man . He was a lowly civil servant . And this is very tempting . I said , alright , let me know . Well , the weeks passed . We saw him but he didn 't stop , he didn 't talk . And one day he disappeared , he never came back . And then the kommandant came into the office and he yelled , remove Wachmeister We stayed in this camp until the end of March 1945 . Then they suddenly put us in trucks . We got off the trucks and they made us walk . We really didn 't walk very well at that time . I leaned on Ellie , Ellie leaned on Sabina . And we came through a gate _ it looked similar to Auschwitz , watchtowers _ and I looked on the right and the left . There were huge mountains of shoes , just shoes , any color , any size , maybe ten feet tall , mountains of shoes , no feet , no legs , shoes . They counted us into a barracks , somebody got the information that this was Bergen - Belsen . And that night the woman screamed continually , no bunks , and she gave birth to maybe a half pound , a pound , large infant . The infant died immediately . She didn 't even know she was pregnant . In Bergen Belsen there was no water , there was hardly any food . There were open , open , not even ditches , open huge pits with bodies , naked bodies . Most of them were decaying in green . . There was a tremendous amount of typhoid . There was no work to be done , I mean no work details , nothing . We were there approximately I would guess two weeks , give or take . And then one morning we saw the SS on the other side of the wire and they had white armbands n their left sleeve . It didn 't mean much to us . Everything was the same , maybe less food , but they didn 't come into the camp _ they as a rule they didn 't _ and by lunch time we heard enormous noises . And then we saw tanks rolling in the main avenue . That was it . I started working for the English that afternoon . ( crying pause ) E : No . None . Nothing in and nothing out . The British didn 't know . They had no idea what they were finding and they were looking for interpreters because they had trouble with this multitude of languages . I could manage a couple of them , not all of them , but at least for the Hungarian Jews I could speak Yiddish . With the Polish Jews , either Polish or Yiddish . With the Russians , I sort of spoke some Polish or Russian , but they were not Jewish , the Russian prisoners . And they had no idea what they had found . They found people , that night they dispersed food stuffs from the German warehouses and there were two pound cans of pork and fat . And being hungry you open them and you eat ; by the morning you are dead . That 's how we lost Ellie 's mother . Ellie got very sick and she couldn 't even eat , by then she had tuberculosis , she lost a lung in the meantime . And for some reason I had the common sense to ask the major for whom I worked for some biscuits and I didn 't eat the pork . I just ate dry biscuits , the first day the second day , we went from barrack to barrack . And he wanted to talk to the people and to know where they 're from . And half of them couldn 't even talk to them , you know , it was too late . There was a man who had a knife in his hand , he must have weighed almost seventy pounds . And he was slicing away at a corpse and eating the raw flesh . It was unreal . Because you walked around , you could see it , I think the first order was to bring water and food and bury the dead . And to have some hospitals opened . While they made many mistakes , they also did a lot of good . I mean they tried . I worked for them as an interpreter until they had to rush me out of Germany in December 1945 . Sometimes a translator , once I was asked to translate when they had caught a German who never was in the Army , who never was an SS , after much interrogation it turned out he was SS . He was stationed in Oranienburg , and towards the end of the interrogation the major took his gun out of his holster , released the safety and put it inE : Erzassel . And then threats started coming a few weeks later . The English War Crimes division wrote a letter to the American Embassy in Paris and said help her to get out . They drove me and three other young women first to Holland , the Dutch didn 't want to let civilians in out of Germany . So we turned the car around , drove through a riverbed , the Dutch shooting after us , and entered Holland illegally . Then we went to Belgium , same day , and we got to Brussels . And the captain who was in charge , was the captain and the driver of the car , knew some people in Belgium , in Brussels , and we spent the night there . Although the lady did not want to have prisoners in her house so we had to stay in the hallway . The next morning the three girls remained in Brussels and we crossed the French border . The French border was , compared to Holland , Belgium , almost elegant . I had a so called visa from a young officer in Bergen - Belsen , whose name was rather famous , his father used to be a cabinet minister . And he was just a young officer , in the French Army , stationed in Bergen - Belsen . He made out a entry permit for me . And the French , when they saw his name which was Francois P . , they said of course . Not this government , but the government before that , he was also a minister . But I 've never seen him again . We drove as far as Lille . In Lille we parked the car , we were terribly hungry and the three of us went into a small restaurant . And we had a terrible chicken dinner and some wine and an awful dessert that was sticky . And someone in the corner was playing the accordion . Captain A . and I had one foxtrot . I always thought he was very nice but I knew he was engaged to be married so I wasn 't going to waste my time . We went , came outside , and the car was stolen . It was a British Army car with the insignia , everything on it , number , serial number , gone . The little luggage I had was gone . So we walked to the railroad station , he bought a third class ticket for me . To Paris , and he said , when you get to Paris , get to the Jewish youE : My mother had a brother in Israel , there was lots of family at that time . They all had gotten together and made the decisions for me . That didn 't work anymore . I was 21 years old and the decisions were going to be mine . I was not going to be told by aunts and uncles , now you do this , now you do that . So I decided to go to America and my cousin sat on the train with me , all the way to Bordeaux arguing , it didn 't help . I went on a Merchant Marine ship to New York , took twenty two days , and I left him behind . Even back home , the family was very angry . At first they didn 't write but then they changed their mind . They thought I had made a great mistake . But I don 't think I made a mistake . I mean I wouldn 't have minded living in Israel , on the contrary . But what I did mind is being told what to do . That I couldn 't take . I : Did you know who you were supposed to marry , at all ? E : Three days after liberation I asked the major whether he would post a letter over his name . I would write the letter , he would mail it , over his army number , into Palestine . And he did and I had an answer a week later . Because I knew the address , it was important . I : I 'd like to go back a little if I could . When you were working in the office , did you take it upon yourself to memorize … E : No , but if you , not consciously , but if you have a roster of forty names . I also had a roster of five hundred Jewish prisoners . But if you have a roster of forty two names , with addresses , and you keep writing it and rewriting it over a period of six months , it sticks . It was just there , just like you memorize a phone number you use over and over . E : At this point I 'm really not sure of the names . I mean they 're available in the German records . But fifty years , I don 't retain them , I didn 't want to retain them . When he was replaced with the second one , who was a very high ranking Army officer before the war and then turned into SS . So he had an education and he had some , what should I say , some basic background . But he was trained to behave a certain way and he behaved accordingly . And the third one used to be a gardener in Southern Germany , stuck into an SS uniform . He could barely read or write . And he was vicious . He had little brown squinty eyes and he was the nastiest of them all . He was vicious . His son wrote me , that his father had been convicted and so on and so forth , would I please write a letter and intervene . I threw it away . I should have saved these but in those days , you didn 't think that way . I : Did you know anything about the medical experiments that were going on there ? E : I heard about it in Auschwitz , there were rumors . There were rumors about twins and some of the other things , but I didn 't see and I didn 't hear , these were just whispered rumors . I : Neither at Auschwitz or Neuengamme , you didn 't hear anything about these ? E : Yes , yes . Well , if you committed a grave offense , like there was Mrs . Kron and she used to be the wife of one of ghetto police chiefs . So she was not used to any kind of deprivation or any kind of hardship . When she came to the work camp , she couldn 't work fast enough and she couldn 't work fast enough . And she had a fifteen year old daughter . And she was very conspicuous , and the one thing were not to be was conspicuous . She had large feet and her blonde hair of course was gone . She had a very grotesque face that rested on sort of a funny neck and a strange figure _ very uncoordinated . One time she walked out of line , she didn 't keep up the proper speed , and the commandant flew into rage , and she had to kneel in the middle and we had to stand around her . And he beat her mercilessly . There was just nothing left but flesh and bone . Just horrible . E : The same thing . We couldn 't even pick her up . We had to wait , it was a little later , But I don 't think she survived . E : If he was , I wouldn 't have known . Upon departure , in that selection we were told , and by then we knew of him . Since we had to walk past him at a three feet distance you couldn 't miss it . E : Not really . Because all I saw was a uniform . And I made it a point not to look right and not to look left , and he was on my right . And I didn 't look . I had a glance but not to draw you a composite picture , to take to the police station for identification , no . E : Not really , we were aware that the ghetto was being liquidated . The ghetto had 150 , 000 people , give or take , it varied . A transport had probably , roughly , a thousand at a time . So , we knew they would be coming in but we were not mixed together . We got no word from outside , nothing . E : Well first of all I wasn 't in front of them , I was at a distance . So all you could see is like a factory type chimney , sticking up into the sky . And the smoke was black , very smelly and very black . I was close enough away to walk there yet far enough away not to actually see the building , it was obstructed by other buildings . E : I didn 't know , I found out in May . Auschwitz are all brick buildings , more or less prison like . About 5 kilometers from there is a camp that is nothing but barracks , surrounded by wire , the chimneys , and that 's it . But , you know , miles of it , as far as the eye can reach . I : A city ? E : Yes , so they are totally two different entities in terms . I think they housed permanent prisoners , political prisoners , they housed in the stone type buildings . The Jews , which they either destroyed or sent to work camps or they housed in those barracks , which probably had to be built because there were just , millions of them . I : Can you remember your awareness , at what point in time did you become aware what the purpose of this concentration camp was for ? E : A couple of days . And then you only had one choice ; you could either hope , or you could stop caring , or you could walk to the wire and electrocute . Those were the three choices . And most of us just vegetated , we didn 't want to think , we didn 't want to talk , nothing . E : A miracle . We didn 't hope for a God , because there was no God , obviously . But for a miracle , some unreal miracle . I had hoped for a slice of bread or for meeting ( … . ) , I had hoped for a miracle that maybe the English will fall out of the sky or something . I don 't know . E : No . I didn 't even when I was back in Hamburg , back in the camp . I had no idea how close it was . I didn 't know that Holland and Belgium had been liberated . I didn 't know that Poland had been liberated . See people , I once was at a camp that mainly housed men , I was taken along to do some translating . I was sitting on the back of a truck , tied to the rails . And there was a young man scrubbing the floor and he was in uniform . He looked horrible . I was actually in Neuengamme and he talked to me in a language I couldn 't identify . He couldn 't understand me . He smiled , he had no teeth . He kept saying , " Krieg kaput . " War finished . I 'd heard that for five years , I wasn 't about to believe that one . The SS who saw him , you know fairly close scrubbing the floor , hit him and pushed him away and scolded him in vile language to bring clean water and to scrub better . He took the bucket and he came back , I hoped he would come back , ten minutes later with clean water . In his hand was a little ball of brown paper and he sort of gave it a push next to my foot . And I watched and watched , I looked right and left . He smiled and I smiled . When I thought I was safe I picked up the little piece of paper , stuck it in my pocket . And later on I found out it was dry bread that had been half eaten and crumbled . I : And this was in Neuengamme ? E : We made it a point to stay together . In fact at one point when we had numbers and names , they said to line up alphabetically . Her name started with an S . So I just changed mine to an S and she was very upset with me . She said , what if they ask ? Well , I 'll just say I married your brother someplace and joined the line . I knew there were no records to really prove it . It was still a chance I took . And that way we stayed together . E : Eighty three ? It could be , no 83 , it could have been ' 93 . No ' 83 , definitely not . He was about the age of my father , give or take , he was in his fifties . No , he wasn 't that old . E : Yes , she was , she was , she became a very nervous woman , a very angry woman . Very difficult . And she could have lived . She could have lived . E : If she hadn 't eaten the three pounds of pork and lard , she would have made it another three , four days , and would have gotten some other food . She could have made it . But whatever somebody couldn 't eat , she still took and ate . Not only her own ration but everybody else 's too . That , she just couldn 't do it . E : No , there was no point to it . It was too late . We could have all lived had we left , we could have all left at a given time . We didn 't . E : No , the past was very far away , very distant . There was no point wasting energy on it . It would not come back , it would never be back , it was . I : Did you know that ? Did you make a conscious decision ? E : I knew that . Yes . I didn 't know whether there would be a tomorrow or a future , but I knew the past was gone . There was no retrieving it . I : What do you think sustained you ? E : I had a classmate who went to high school with me and left for England in ' 39 . And who stayed at our house prior to leaving . And she helped me . Her family took me in for two weeks . And she got me a job in a factory sewing gloves , which I hated . And I found a furnished room . E : No , in Sunnyside , in Queens . I made thirty dollars a week and I paid $ 5 on taxes , $ 8 on rent , the rest on clothing . Very little on food . The rest on clothing . I could live on a candy bar but I needed clothing desperately . I : I want to go back , just for a second , to the day of liberation . It 's been written that the British soldiers had no idea . Did the other women around you , did they believe it ? When did you know it was for real ? E : Nobody believed it . First of all they didn 't let us out of the camp . They came in through the gate and they asked somebody to please speak English to them . There were several of us who could . And then they asked questions and then they told us that the Germans are gone , finished . And then it sort of sank in . But it wasn 't sort of a screaming , jubilant occasion . It wasn 't . It was subdued . E : Sort of . I had two badly damaged kidneys . I was fighting , at the date of liberation , typhus . I : Was that from dehydration ? E : No , I don 't think so . I had kidney trouble already in the ghetto . I don 't know what it 's from . It 's from the war , but not exactly what caused it . I was on my feet , but that 's about all you could say . My brain was working , my body was not functioning . And I had a terrible , terrible trouble with what you , I don 't know what you call it in English , the skin infections that go into huge boils that you have to lance . They are caused in wars and from malnutrition . You get them all over , on your neck and on your head and your legs . It 's very painful and very , they leave horrible scars . These are the things , compared to others , I was pretty much okay . You know , it 's relative . E : I learned English in the third or fourth grade . I was really poor at it . The English teacher who was " English " English called my parents to school and said , that kid is hopeless , get her a tutor . Three times a week privately and they did . After a year I was straight A in English , no trouble at all , I just had trouble catching up . E : Well I went to school until ' 41 and I used my English . I also had French and Latin , but not as much as English . And once I had occasion in ' 45 , I just decided to talk , it was more English than American . I 'm great at improvising . If I miss a word , I 'll talk around it , in any language , whether it 's Polish or Hebrew or whatever it is , I 'll talk around it . E : I could have gone earlier . I thought I would get papers directly to Bergen - Belsen , get out of there , I didn 't realize that you , there really was no way of getting out of there . Because nothing went out of Germany . But I was waiting for my family to do something , I had two cousins in the army , so I assumed that somebody would take some action . They took me out in December , November , December ' 45 , mainly because they were afraid somebody would kill me . E : Not far from Bergen Belsen was some permanent army housing . Brick type housing , it was sort of like you would imagine a college dormitory . Individual rooms , then a huge bathroom at the end , and no kitchens . And they relocated us into that particular building . One of those buildings , there were hundreds of them . E : Yes , they did have hot water . They had toilets , but down the hall . And they put about six or eight people in one room . E : No , it was clean . It was very clean . There was food , not necessarily the food you wanted to eat , but very starchy food . You had freedom . If you had a pass you could get out of camp , which I did . I made friends with several English , men and women , in the English Army . I : How quickly did you regain your strength and health ? E : My health I didn 't regain for about fifteen years . Needed a lot of work , including my teeth . Strength , superficially , was back within a few months . I was bloated , I was about 150 pounds . I : This was water . E : You know , the kidneys didn 't function , the food wasn 't right . But I did what I wanted to do , I worked . I did not want to go to doctors or to a hospital . And I guess on a scale of one to ten , I probably came out six or seven or eight , or something like that . E : Because there was this old fear , still from the ghetto , if you were in the hospital you were deported or something bad would happen . We could not imagine that a British Army hospital would be just what it was , a hospital . We thought , you know maybe they 'll stack you up , one on top of the other , and you 'll just vegetate . So there was a great deal of mistrust there . E : No , I was very trusting . This was a country without prejudice , without discrimination , the country of the free , I trusted everybody . I : And is that true , did you find that ? E : No . I went for on a job interview in Manhattan and I found out a Jew couldn 't get a job , not in that particular office . So I was just devastated , I had not expected that . E : No , not at that point . No , the family was too old fashioned , too European . Too strong , both in numbers and opinions , and I really did not want to do battle . I : You mentioned how they had all arranged everything for you . And you said you weren 't going to do that . How much of that came from the fact you were twenty one ? E : I 'd lived on my own for five years . I 'd been through hell and back . While they were well meaning and kind people , I could not have somebody control me to that extent . I been controlled for too long . I couldn 't . I : So you were living in New York and you were working in a factory . And then what ? E : Somebody invited me for dinner and he was there . When he heard my name he said , you were in the ghetto . Because somebody told him . I said yes . And he said , did you meet the ( E . 's ) ? And I said , yes , I knew them very well . One day we walked from Riga Park to Woodside , takes about four hours , and I told him the story . Just once , not a second time . We went out a great deal , we went to concerts . Then he said , go to school , learn to type . And I went to school and learned to type . And I took some college courses at Hunters College at night . But I still couldn 't type , I couldn 't learn to type . I can still type , a hundred words a minute with four fingers . Then I got a job at an office , downtown Manhattan , they just wanted to sure I knew English . I said , I 'll outspell you anytime . I talked to the president of the company that used to make those electric trains , Lionel , that used to whistle , probably your father played with them . I worked there and they had a great many Jews in the office , practically all Jews , the president was Jewish . I became very friendly with the office manager and she said , learn the dictaphone . So I learned the dictaphone . And I had a very good job until 1949 , when a friend of my husband 's came from California to New York and said , come to San Francisco . I have a small factory . You work for me . So we packed up the car , we sold the two room apartment , and we moved to California . E : Forty - nine , at the end of 1949 , and we moved to California . In California , I worked for Westinghouse , and then I had the children and I worked only a little bit , part time . Then I went back to school , California College of Arts and Crafts . I did a lot of painting , a lot of artistry , I loved it . And when the kids were old enough to be to three o ' clock in school , I went to Golden Gate College and got an insurance license and credentials and I got a job . I worked at that job , no between two jobs , for twenty years . And I retired in ' 85 , ' 86 . E : He was a businessman , he was in marketing . He had gone to school and studied economics at the University of Brussels . Then he made the mistake and he went back to Germany . He was arrested and the family got him out with a forged visa to Cuba . And he was on one of the three boats , one was turned back , the Voyage of the Damned , well he was on the one that landed the week before . He was a farmer in Cuba for two years and then he came to New York and he was drafted right away . He was four years in the Army , overseas , in intelligence , because he speaks six languages so he was in intelligence . E : When they took off for college , I told them where I was and when I was there . But no details . I : Have they ever heard ? E : They 've read them . The ones I 've got on paper , they 've read them . And they really don 't , what should I say , they can 't cope really with the past . The younger one was on a bike trip in Germany when he was in graduate school , and he was in Munich . And the leader took him to Dachau . I said , did you find your grandfather 's name ? He said , yes , but he wouldn 't talk . The older one has been to Germany three times . Once to Berlin , once to Kiel , and once I think to Constance on conferences , he 's an economist . And he said , I can 't relate to those people . They have to speak English because the language in economics is English , the only language that is spoken . He says I can 't cope with them , they obviously know I 'm a Jew by that name , but nobody would dare and say something . And he goes in and out , a day , two days , out . E : It was neither harder nor easier . It was painful . The cemetery was painful . The ghetto was painful . The Jewish community , or what exists of it , of the temples , of the synagogues , was pitiful . It was so … . it was not even a remnant . The poverty among the Jews is painful . Anti - semitism is well and alive . E : Yes , yes , this was one of the reasons my father said that Germany or France are much more civilized . And they don 't have the pogroms that we have . I want my kids to grow up there . They happened to be wrong but it was a good idea . E : My mother did , once , when I was quite young told me . She was the youngest of eight children . She was very beautiful , smart , black hair , brown eyes , white skin , and there was a warning in town . The Cossacks are coming or there 's going to be a pogrom . So grandmother hid that youngest child , the youngest daughter , I guess the other one was hidden someplace else , I don 't know . They hid the little one , must have been seven , in the kitchen stove , in the old fashioned kitchen stove . She told me that story . Now I couldn 't imagine what a pogrom was . I also didn 't know what Cossacks were . I also didn 't know what it means to kill Jews . I listened to this and then I said to my mother , it must have been summer . And she said why ? You couldn 't have hid in the stove otherwise . So I had no concept , none . That came much later . I didn 't know about killing or persecuting . E : In a way it was frightening , because you were exposed to it on a day to day basis . The kids were harassed very much in streetcars , on street corners , yet it probably wasn 't as frightening to me until 1939 as to some others . Because I still hid behind this foreign national . It gave you a false security , it gave you some larger food rations . But we were very aware of what was going on . We did not wear a star until Poland lost the war . The other Jews did , we did not have to . So it was a , you were just fooling yourself , you were kidding yourself . I : Were you subject to all the laws that the German Jews were subject to ? I : And , I believe it was in 1939 , all of the Jews in Germany had to change their names to Sara and Israel . E : No , no , that did not apply to us either , because we did not have German papers . So , but the moment Poland lost the war in September 1939 , you know , it was no difference , it was the same story . A Jew was a Jew . E : We had an influx , gradually , of Jewish children . The later it got , you know it started in ' 34 , ' 33 , the later it got the small towns , the small I wouldn 't even say villages , small towns , very small towns , they had to take the children out immediately , you know if they had four or five Jewish kids . The bigger towns , medium sized towns , took a little longer . But eventually all kids had to get out of non - Jewish schools . They were either with their parents or without their parents , shipped into the larger cities to attend Jewish schools . E : There were very few of us in ' 41 and shortly thereafter there was a law passed that the schools had to be closed permanently . So between that time and between the time they had deported all the Jews , the kids had no education whatsoever . No school . E : No , we only talked about going someplace . Going to Palestine , going to Bolivia , even going to Madagascar . It was just a matter of going someplace , wherever a door would be open . That was all that mattered and the children were excited by it , it 's exciting to go on a trip , to go someplace . I : I 'm going to jump ahead for a second . There 's something you mentioned , as an aside , the woman who was the Kapo at Auschwitz . You said you ran into her at Altman 's . E : Yes , I was at Altman 's , let 's see it must have been 1947 , in New York . And it was cold , it was fall . I needed a pair of gloves that did , from California you don 't take gloves . And I went into Altman 's on Fifth Avenue , I was alone I didn 't go with friends . I went to the glove counter to get tied on gloves . And I couldn 't decide whether to get red ones or black ones . There was a lady next to me , much taller than I , very black hair , even , naturally died and sort of cut almost like a man 's cut . Very short . Very striking . Well dressed . She was trying on gloves and she smiled . And I don 't know why or what but I turned and I looked at her . And she looked at me . And I said , Maya . That wasn 't a question , it was a statement . And she said , yes , how do you know ? I said , Auschwitz . And she turned white . She said , oh I can explain , I had to , it was really bad , and I didn 't kill anybody . She just beat us , she didn 't kill us . And it just sort of burst out of her , that she really wasn 't bad . E : No , in English , we spoke in English . And I said , what about the SS that came at night to visit you ? She didn 't deny it . When I looked at her hands and she wore a wedding band . I said , you 're married ? She said , Yes . I said , whom did you marry ? I 'm not normally that fresh or that nosy . And she didn 't answer . She didn 't answer . I said , not the SS ? And she said , yes . He followed me from camp to camp , in occupied Germany , I couldn 't get rid of him , he even followed me to New York . And then I decided , that there was no point running away from him , he 's really quite a decent sort . And we both have our past . I looked at her and I said , do you have children ? She said , no . I said , I pity them . I hope you never have them . And I turned and I walked . E : Oh , the rest of the day . My girlfriend , I went back to my boyfriend 's house in Manhattan , and she said , what 's the matter with you ? I said , I just saw a nightmare walking through in Altman 's . She said , put it out of your mind . It won 't help . You can call up the FBI and report them if you want them . And I said no . E : A Jew is a Jew . To point a finger at another Jews is very hard for me . Some of us are guilty , some of us are very guilty . Some of us are clean , some of us are not so clean . I got off that train , maybe somebody would have went in my place ? I don 't know . I couldn 't point a finger at another Jew . I might detest them , I might not like them , but unless he really killed another human being , I would not point a finger . I can 't . E : Well he drew up some lists for deportations , they came out of his office . He was very arrogant . He was very unpleasant . Very unsympathetic . And you don 't open a door for a sixteen year old and yell like a German . You just don 't do that . He was born in Hannover , he went to school in Hannover until he was about 18 , and then he was pushed over the border in ' 38 to Poland . And he just thought the world was his . And it turned out this way . His wife lived next door to us in the ghetto , she was married to a policeman . She divorced him . She married him . He came to New York , he changed his name . I : Do you know what his name was ? E : In the ghetto ? That 's a matter of record . Bernard F . . His sister was Dora F . . That 's in the books . That 's in the record . He came to New York , he has a very good job as an importer , an exporter , I 'm not sure . He lives out in a very affluent neighborhood . He has two children . He stays away from the Jewish community . He does not give interviews and if he does , his wife runs interference . She is a lot smarter than he is . I : Is wife a survivor ? E : Oh yes , she knew , she married him in the ghetto . It was practical to marry him . I mean , he had all the worldly needs that you needed at that time . Food and housing and clothing . She was very well off . E : Oh yes , Lucjan D . set up an interview with him and he came . The moment he asked the question and F . started to answer , his wife ran interference to the point that you couldn 't even talk . So Lucjan gave up and he 's pretty determined . E : Dora died . She married one of the ( J . ) brothers , the younger one , who also was ghetto administration , and she died after the war . Probably New York , I 'm not entirely sure . But she was nasty , she was very sure of herself , very good looking , she could not stand another woman in her presence . Once when I applied for a job in the offices because I spoke German , she couldn 't get me out there fast enough . She was not pleasant . But she was smart , she had a brain . I : What was her job in the ghetto ? E : She was not a raving beauty . She was good looking , but nothing exceptional . No , I don 't think so . I just think she was very very bright , very smart , and she had the ability to juggle the two languages that were needed at that point . And she was at the ghetto at the start . When it was first founded , whatever you want to call it . E : No , none . There were two , three instances that you might construe as help . My father had a lawyer , who took care of the real estate and things of that sort . When they blocked our account and gave us $ 100 a month to live on , whatever it was , he would sort of put in a bill for a plumber or something , to smuggle some money out for us . It was our money , but we couldn 't get it . That was the sum total of help we got from him . The man who packed our belongings and shipped them in huge , huge crates , sort of containers , to Israel , to Palestine , I wrote him a postcard from the ghetto . We left him also some money to set a stone on my father 's grave or the ashes or whatever it is . And he sent twenty marks to the ghetto . After the war , when I was in New York , he reminded me of it . And I sent more than twenty dollars worth of food to him . And when we worked in the shipyards , cleaning up , and I had this enormous infection on the left hand . The man who ran the canteen used to have a shop not far from the area where my father had the wine cellars . He said he remembered , I don 't know , it was a working class neighborhood , it was not a residential neighborhood _ on the first of May you saw red flags only , not a national flag , until Hitler of course _ he said he remembered my father . My father once gave him a bottle of wine , I 'm not sure . He took me into the kitchen for three days and he made me eat everything that I could just possibly swallow . Which was difficult because you couldn 't eat . He didn 't let me take anything out , because it was dangerous . And he gave me an old , torn leather jacket . I never saw him again , I don 't have his name . I think these are the only instances that I could tell you that even remotely resembled help . E : There was , in return for favors . The camp at Sasel had a Jewish camp leader , she was the head of the Jewish group . She had one of the corporals of the SS from another camp come every week to visit and bring food . But she paid for it in return . I : How did she pay ? E : They locked themselves up in some storage room . Sex . They were occasionally some people , when we marched , that would drop an apple or something . E : Probably . Probably . But the Germans are not known for courage , danger or no danger , that is not their strong point . There was , I would say , I can 't say there was no compassion at all , but there was so little it was pitiful . I : At the end of the war , I think , were you embittered ? E : I was angry , I was terribly angry . E : I worked for the English , and let them tell me when to be angry and not to be angry . That was easier . I was angry , I was terribly impatient . I walked into the police headquarters in Hamburg and asked them for a duplicate of a birth certificate . That 's city hall ; they said come back tomorrow . I said , you 're out of your mind . Not only do I want it today , I want it now . I give you five minutes . Luckily I didn 't go alone , I went with an officer . I said , slam the gun on the table . And he did and I had my birth certificate . I : You had a chance to work out some of your anger ? E : Some of my anger I worked . I still don 't like the Germans . I see them in an elevator in France , or I see them in Italy in a restaurant , in their noisy , ugly way , and I still don 't like them . Especially my generation . E : I did go for two days . Because my son was in Paris and he said , I want to see . So he came in , he lasted one day , I didn 't last that long , and we flew out into Paris . I couldn 't . I couldn 't . I couldn 't stomach the people , the places I could cope with . I could not cope with today 's bureaucracy . I could also not cope with Hamburg 's Jews . I went to the synagogue and I could not cope with them . They are , they 're different . there a lot of Iranian Jews there , some German Jews . On a national basis , they 're assimilated . Not on a religious basis . They have made their peace . I don 't know whether they have ever heard about not forgetting . I 'm not talking about forgiving , this is unforgivable , but about not forgetting . The girl who worked in the office with me in the camps lived for thirty years in Hamburg . She married a Jewish boy from Poland , she lived in Hamburg , and had a child there . There is something wrong with the people . When they picked us up at the airport , they picked us up with the Secret Service . Now I wanted to know whether I needed to be protected from the Germans or the Germans from me . That never was quite clear . But I do not like a guard , I don 't like a guard anyplace , I take my chances . The hotel was sort of a Holiday Inn type hotel . I figure if you invite somebody , you either put them up at the Fairmont or not at all . The mayor of the city is the brother of the conductor of the ( V . ) . He was the conductor , a well known conductor . He 's well educated , his father was a German officer . He was killed in the overthrow attempt at Hitler . But he did not put in an appearance . Jews were not important enough . His substitute made a statement to the effect that the past is past , and what happened happened , and we can only sincerely trust that it won 't repeat itself . I found that unacceptable and I said so right then and there . I made more enemies than I made friends , in one day . I : You stood up ? After he spoke ? E : Yes , I stood up afterwards . I refused to be filmed . Whenever the newsreel came near , I turned my back , I did not want to be on television . I sat between two gentlemen at the luncheon . Not that I could eat , I couldn 't . One of them was a friend of Adenauer , he was instrumental in the peace treaty , or the financial arrangements between Germany and Israel . He knew Ben Gurion , he knew everybody , anybody worth while knowing . He must have been in his seventies . He also went to school with a friend of mine in Berkeley . And he threw names around rather liberally . He died a couple of years ago . My question to him was , what did you do from 1933 to 1945 . And he didn 't want to answer and I didn 't let go . He said , I sold sewing machines . And I said , and that from a Social Democrat or a Communist in your youth ? Do you find that acceptable , I find that totally unacceptable . So that killed the conversation on the right side . On the left side was a young man , and he was in city government , a councilmen or something like that . His claim to fame was that his father was a high ranking officer and he now married his Jewish girlfriend . He was probably fortyish , probably ten years younger than I was at the time , maybe a little older . He lived in the suburb where one of the camps was . He was aware of it . He sent me a brochure that the teachers of the local high school had put together , from the interviewing they had done of the local population . It was full of errors , full of flaws , even the diagram of the camp was flawed . I made corrections and I sent them back and I said , if somebody does research , why don 't they talk to some Jews instead of some Germans ? I never heard from them again . E : No , no , they did the best they knew how to do . There is no feeling of any kind of resentment . The Germans , I try to keep an open mind towards the young ones although it 's difficult to do . I 've met four of them recently in Berkeley . And the lack of knowledge and the lack of reading they have done on this subject is appalling . The older ones , there is no forgiving , no forgetting , not for me . But I don 't hate , you can 't live a life and keep on hating . But no forgiving , no forgetting . E : I think it ceased the moment I hit New York . I got away from " them " , in quotation marks . And there was no time . I was just too busy , to adjust , to work , to learn , to you know there was no time . To be either angry or anything else . E : Ellie lives in a kibbutz in Israel . Ellie has no recollection of the past . If you ask her , do you remember our friend , such and such , or do you remember the street going this way ? Her answer is no , nothing . But I think it 's a defense mechanism , I think she doesn 't want to . Because once in a while something slips inadvertently . Ellie 's brother in England who defected from Prague after the war , he remembers . But he was very shallow , very fun loving , was a cute kid . He 's still the same Erwin . We see each other we say hello for old time 's sakes but there 's no , no substance . We have nothing in common . E : Well , we saw him ten times . We went to Israel for the first time in ' 63 , with the children . He wrote to me in Yiddish , I wrote back in English . He wrote about once a month . We phone about twice , three times a year . The last time in January , I think it was , for his birthday . We also have different memories . Some of the things he remembers I don 't and vice versa . He swears that he took me to the shoes factory in the ghetto . And he got me a pair of shoes . I swear equally much that I never got a pair of shoes . He also swears that he got to Auschwitz in October or November of ' 44 and he saw me in a rag , pushing a wagon . I never pushed a wagon in Auschwitz and I wasn 't there in November of ' 44 . So the mind after fifty years is strange . We decided when I was there April a year ago , that we 'll let it rest . I believe what I believe , he believes what he believes . E : No . She was killed in Mauthausen . He remarried a school teacher after the war , very nice woman , but she has Alzheimer 's , she is very sick . We were there with them April a year ago , we took a walk in the garden . And he said something and he used to speak in a very low voice . I said , say it louder or walk on my right side , not on my left side . And he said , you still don 't hear ? I said , no , I still don 't hear . Couldn 't they fix it ? I said , No , they couldn 't fix it . But he said , what actually happened ? You were at the Gestapo and the beat you . Why did they beat you ? I said I was denounced . And he said , denounced ? For what ? I said , a radio , I never had a radio , who would do such a thing . And I looked at him a long time and I said , either I tell him now or I never tell him , I 'll go with it to my grave . And I said , Ana , which was his first wife . He said , she did ? I said , yes . And he looked at me for a long time and he said , she could do things like that . But I ask you for a favor . Forgive her . I didn 't answer . Because she 's dead . Whether I forgive her or not is immaterial to her and to me , maybe I should . I don 't know . E : Just to tell . The stories are all pretty much alike yet they 're all different . Just to tell them one more story , I think . I don 't write it for my kids , certainly not for my husband . I : Will your children read it ? E : Yes , one of them in fact corrected one chapter . At least he attempted , it 's not his field , but he attempted and we disagreed but it was an interesting experiment . I 've given some chapters to some people whose opinion I would value . Such as Elie Wiesel , ( Lucien D . , Cynthia O . ) and the reaction has been very good . So I hope . I also have a friend who is a professor of creative writing and literature . And she does some editing which helps a great deal . Not the content , just the mechanical parts . So maybe , I don 't know , we 'll see . I : Well , I think that should do it . I think if your book is anything like your interview , it will be a wonderful book and a great addition to literature . Thank you . 2 . This is my sister , Karin , in 1936 , her first school day in Hamburg , Germany . 6 years old . On the first school day European custom is when you 're picked up from school , you get your picture taken and a huge tube full of sweets to make it a sweet school year . 4 . This is 1926 , with my parents in Poland . It is not at the beach , sand and bucket in photographers studio . About a year old . 6 . This is my father in 1939 in Hamburg just before the outbreak of the war . Old ? Born in ' 92 , so he was 47 years old . |
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I would not get into a buggy with a horse . The horse was alive , the horse moved , and I wanted a taxi like I was used to . Coming to my grandmother 's house , it was a nice house , not as nice as what I was used to but it was nice . E : Yes . She had a store , she spoke Yiddish to me , she wore a wig , she was very religious . And she would always give me a candy but I had to hide it , I wasn 't supposed to eat so much candy . There was a lot of ground around the house and the ground was cultivated by the peasants . They had a lot of huge yellow cucumbers which were then pickled and sold . A little bit down the road I had an aunt who cultivated poppies , I mean acres and acres of red poppies and the poppy seeds were dried and used as poppy seeds , not opium . The front of my grandmother 's store faced out on one of the main streets , the larger streets . The street was not paved , it was raining and it was summertime . The peasants with their horse drawn wagons would come and bring chickens , the chickens were alive , the feet were tied but the chickens were alive so with the tied feet they couldn 't take off . When the unpaved road of the main street was mud and wet , the peasants would take off their shoes , they didn 't wear stockings , socks , and they would walk barefoot and I would stand their and look . The mud would ooze out through the toes , you know in between the toes , and I thought that was very strange , people without shoes . I 'd never seen that before . I remember going to my uncle 's store , who lived in the center of town of the ring , and he had a hardware , houseware store . I remember my father scolding him that nothing had prices . The buckets didn 't have a price , the brooms didn 't have , nothing had a price . My father had lived in Germany already too long and his mind was too orderly to comprehend that you went in and bartered , you bargained . You didn 't just pick up a bucket and say , oh it 's five dollars . I pay you five dollars . That wasn 't done . I know that my uncle had three sons who were ten or fifteen years older than I . They were at the university and they had trouble as Jews , they were standing in the last row for lectures , for instruction . So my father and my uncle pooled their money because they had much more money in Germany anI : How many children in her family ? E : Sambor . S A M B O R . It 's not far from Tarnopol . I : So this was , at the outbreak of war this was the portion that went under German , uh , Russian control ? E : It was still under German rule . Because I remember one of my uncles writing a postcard that he had to do forced labor and that the aunts were no longer in Sambor . And that already was fairly late so it was under German occupation . Because the postcard had a German stamp . I : Did you hear anything , once the war commenced , was there any communication with your family , between let 's say your mother 's family or your father 's family ? E : Yes , there was still , as along as we could , we wrote . Which I would say was probably until early 1941 or so . The letters were really in very careful language , they were phrased . My mother would write to her brother and said , how does Uncle Ivan feel ? That means , are the Russians there or how are the Russians ? I once wrote a postcard and I signed my name , Cecelia L . W . W . , a German abbreviation for widow . So when my uncle got the postcard he wrote back that I can see that only you are left . You know there were little things you tried to cover up . And you got some communication but … E : Well he wrote that this aunt and this aunt and that aunt don 't live here or are not here . He was a really sick man , he had some spinal trouble , he couldn 't stand straight . He was working he said . E : In forced labor . There were considerable amount of Jews in Sambor . He did not really give any details . It was an open card , it happened to slip through . Which was unusual what he did . E : In the beginning we received some mail . We could send out three or four postcards during the first two years . And then it ceased completely . I : But in 1944 you did receive … . E : There was a post office , there were several post offices , like a little substation . I even remember seeing the letter carrier in the very beginning , which later on disappeared . I don 't whether somebody called me or said to pick up a postcard or whether somebody just dropped it by the house . That I don 't remember . E : It was a large Jewish community . I believe before the war or during the ' 20 's and ' 30 's , the town had 10 , 000 inhabitants , I think it 's 10 , 000 . There 's always been some dispute between 10 and a hundred but I don 't know for sure . It had a community I know that , people who ran for political office would make a stop there . It had a Jewish community , it had a Jewish cemetery , it had a Jewish synagogue . The amount of Jews , I 'm just not able to tell you how many . E : My family was there for three generations ; my mother was born there , my grandmother was born there , her mother before her was born nearby . So there is a story that my father 's family came from Spain over Holland into Poland , but again since they 're not Sephardic Jews , I 'm not sure this is true . It could be I don 't know . I : When was the last time you saw Sambor ? As a child I mean . E : Well they were very traditional . I remember before Yom Kippur , my grandmother having a chicken , she 'd go _ I don 't know , there 's a Yiddish expression for it I don 't know what it is in Hebrew _ I remember going down to the river and emptying out the pockets . There very traditional things that you don 't do or did not do in the Western countries , you sort of skipped by them . E : Yes , the town was deported to various camps , most of them were killed even before they hit Auschwitz . You know in small - sub camps like Hannenmoor , whatever they , they had these vans that were gas equipped . There was really no , I had not run across a group of people that really stayed in Sambor very late and survived . I tried to go back but there was a problem crossing the border into the Soviet Union , into that area with an American passport from Poland . The next time I probably tackle that in a different way . I tried but it didn 't work . E : No , no , it 's in the Soviet Union . They call it the Ukraine but the language spoken there is Russian . I : It was my understanding that the Ukraine was under Russian domination until 1941 , June of 1941 . E : There is a slight difference , geographically , between the Ukraine and Galacia . Galacia like to call itself the Ukraine , because it 's adjacent , but it 's not really the Ukraine . Because some of it was German occupied . I : One final question before I move on . When you came to Lodz , you had a suitcase with you . Do you remember the clothes you had and brought with you ? Did they last you for all the five years you were there ? E : No they didn 't . Yes they did in a way because the Jewish tailors in Poland were very ingenious . They could take something that had gotten two sizes too small , turn it inside out , make it two sizes larger , and get you a new jacket . Essentially yes , I wore pretty much the old clothing . E : I had a winter coat which was too light , so I wore two winter coats , one on top of the other . I had shoes which were useless because in winter , they just did not do well in snow . I had frostbite , I almost lost the toes . I had a jacket , a skirt , some blouses , and a couple of dresses , and my mother had a leather hatbox . One of those round hatboxes out of the ' 20 's . And eventually I took it to the shoemaker and had a pair of boots made . I paid him by giving him the leftovers of leather . That was his payment and he made the boots . I haven 't worn a pair of boots since , even though the fashion here is for knee high boots , I wouldn 't buy a pair of boots . I have worn boots thank you . E : No , nobody had pants in those days . We had stockings and you repaired them , and you repaired them they were full of these mending spots . New stockings , I don 't remember ever getting new stockings . For money you could have gotten anything . For money or for food . But I didn 't have either . I : How did you bathe ? E : We didn 't . You had a little bowl , like a little schüssel , like a little bowl , and you put a some water in it and you hoped that there was no ice on top of it . Because at night it formed a crust of ice and you brought it up from the pump , you know which you pumped . You sort of took the bowl and washed yourself to the waist and then when you 're through with that , you wash the rest of yourself . E : Yes , but there was no toothpaste . There was an old broken down toothbrush because they don 't last very long . The teeth started decaying and I lost fillings . I once went to a dentist who had a drill which was foot operated , with a foot pedal _ I think her daughter lives in Los Angeles _ she tried to repair it but there wasn 't really much she could do . If I were to visualize now to live four or five years without a shower or bath , it is absolutely inconceivable . But we did . E : Yes , yes , and they carried typhoid . If you wore a sweater , let 's say a week or two weeks , if you turned it inside out the seams , you know the sleeve seams , the should seams , you would see little white spots . And those were the eggs of lice . And we had a lot of trouble , a lot of illness , I had typhoid and typhus . E : Yes , one is intestinal and the other one is carried by lice . Spots . Sort of measly like . I : Would you , let 's talk about the deportation . You have described your meeting Dr . S . , at the station , with his entire family . Including your friend , his daughter . You boarded these cattle cars that were sealed . Could you explain what happened after that ? The trip ? E : The trip was stuffy , it was August , it was hot . There was a bucket on the train but I have vague recollections , whether they let us empty it or not . Here we had this loaf of bread which we couldn 't eat . And we speculated a great deal . Dr . S . was a great optimist and he believed things were going to get better . He was a Zionist and he had a sense of humor . After three or four days the cattle cars came to a stop . It was early in the morning , probably , the watch said probably it was three or four in the morning . It was dark . E : No , we sort of crouched in corners , there wasn 't much room but we sort of crouched together . When the door opened , the first thing we saw was huge spotlights , from the platform onto the train . We saw the SS and the dogs . E : It was four in the morning , three in the morning . A lot of screaming , alot of commands . They hurried us out of the trains . We were barely out when they said to drop the luggage . The suitcase or whatever we had . My friend dropped hers . I did not . One of the SS came towards me , with I don 't know , either a gun or a whip . And she tore it out of my hand and dropped it . I didn 't want to give up my passport and my papers and my birth certificate . You know , I can 't live without it . Almost immediately they separated the men from the women . It took minutes , seconds . We didn 't even say good - bye to Oscar or to Erwin , I mean they were just on the other side . And then they tried to separate the women again . The young ones from the old ones , the children from the … E : Oh yes , you know little children , two , three , four , six , you know , any age . Not a great deal , but some . I remember a man in a striped uniform with a hat , with an armband that read Kapo , standing next to us . And my friend asked him in German , where are we ? He said , Auschwitz . She said , what 's Auschwitz ? And he said , you 've never heard of Auschwitz ? And she said , no . He said , it can 't be . When he asked where do you come from , we said from Lodz . He said , do you know Luba ? Do you know anybody named Luba , I 'm looking for my sister . But I work as sort of a policeman , Kapo , for the Germans . We said , no we don 't know anybody and we left . From that , after that separation , you know the young ones from the old ones , we went into a room , into a barracks . They asked to take off all jewelry , all watches , all clothing . And whoever didn 't took a terrible beating or worse . And there we stood naked , shivering in the heat . , and then the took us to another barracks . Something happened in front of us , we didn 't know quite what . The people in front of us sort of moved , moved ahead . E : No , it wasn 't really a line , it was a line and a line and a line , if was almost like a grouping . When we were in the front line we saw that the Kapos were shaving the hair , all body hair . And if you looked at the women , once the hair was shaven it was just , it was a sight that was so terrible that it really didn 't , at that moment , compare to anything we had seen . You saw those bowling balls with protruding ears and those frightened eyes and it was like , something out of a nightmare . They yanked Ellie out of line and they cut her , she had long black hair , they cut her hair and before I knew it I was next . The SS woman who gave the order to the Kapo , who was essentially a prisoner , to shave my hair , was short and blonde and squat . And fat , the uniform didn 't fit and she wore glasses . I hated her , I don 't think I 've ever hated anybody as much . I don 't know whether she saw or whether she felt , but she slapped me very hard and I just reeled over to one side . After the hair was gone , they pushed us through sort of a swinging door and the top part of the swinging door was glass . And in one second I saw a reflection that was I . Ears , an oval head , and eyes . It was nobody I knew . It was horrifying , that sight . There was some cold showers , we were sort of rushed through them , if you got a drop of water , yes , if you didn 't you didn 't . At the other end an SS woman started laughing and she said , the gas chambers are overworked tonight , or today . We 'll get you tomorrow . There 's plenty of time . We had never heard of gas chambers . We didn 't know what it was . We were thrown a garment at random , just a piece of cloth , whether it was an apron , a dress , just one piece , no underwear , no stockings , nothing . You put that thing on , mine was black and it had sort of a red trim on the top , very strange , very large . It was sort of like cotton . And we were lined up again in groups of five . The fifth in our group , which was my friend Ellie and I , and her mother and her aunt , and the fifth woman was a little woman namThe Kapo in this barracks was a young woman , Jewish , I don 't know whether she was from Hungary or from Poland . She yelled a great deal and she ran around with a reed or stick , and anything in her way she would beat . And she took her orders from the Germans . I : But she was Jewish . E : She was Jewish , yes , but she had a supervisory position . And at night she had a little cubicle at the end of the barracks . And there was a rumor that one of the SS came at night and spent the night with her , every night . But it was a rumor , because the barracks were dark at night , we did not know . In 1946 the rumor turned out to be true , she was in New York with that man . I met her at Altman 's . In the morning they would round us up and we would stand for a spell and they would count us and recount us for hours and hours . It was freezing cold , at five in the morning or whatever , and by noon it was boiling hot , my whole scalp was full of blisters from the sun , the ears . And this went on for a few weeks , maybe two or three weeks I 'm not sure of the exact amount of days , and then we were told , she told us , that tomorrow morning Dr . Mengele will inspect . Procedure is , you take off your dress , you carry it over your left arm , and you walk past that committee of three , Mengele and two others , as fast as you can . And he 'll indicate right or left . So Ellie and I decided that I go first , she follows me . We go very fast , we don 't look right we don 't look left , just almost run . I almost fell but I made it . And he motioned me to one side and Ellie to the same side . I : Did you know what this meant ? E : No . They said selection . We later on found out it was either the hospital or to the gas chamber , or to a work camp . We were then marched to a new barracks , we were given shoes regardless of size , just shoes . And we were given a coat that had a big yellow stripe across the front ; but underneath the stripe , the fabric had been cut away . So if you wanted to run away and take off the yellow stripe , there would be no fabric . Then we were loaded into cattle cars and we were in those cattle cars I think for three or four days , again stop and go , stop and go . It was very hot , it was Indian summer . The top of the cattle cars had a small , small opening , you know with barbed wire . It was so hot we took all our clothing off , we couldn 't stand it . I climbed on Ellie 's back and I looked out and I said Ellie , this looks like the vicinity of Hamburg . She got very angry and she said , sit down , you 're out of your mind . I sat down and we traveled another day or two . We arrived in the evening at a siding and the doors were opened from the outside . The SS who were waiting for us , or the Commandant of this group of SS , said , You are at Konzentrationslage Neuengamme , Arbeitslager Zassel , Stadtet deseraufe , Hamburg . So Ellie looked at me , and she said , well your were right . Do you know anybody here ? Not a soul . E : A couple of weeks . So she said , what good does it do you , what good does it do you if you are here ? What are you going to do with it ? Nothing . It 's the same thing as if you were in Poland . And she was right . We worked for the first three weeks cleaning up shipyards that had been bombed at night by the Americans . And it was hard work . We got a lot of cuts and infections . I had a cut on the left hand and one of the German 's corpsman , medical corpsman , lanced it and said if you scream , heaven help you . So I didn 't scream , I fainted . And then they transferred us to another camp , about twenty miles away . There we worked on construction , temporary housing type things . The treatment was harsh , the beatings were frequent , two people died of beatings . Food was in very short supply . On the second day there , one of the SS came into the barracks and said , " Rumor has it that one person here is from Hamburg . Who ? " So since everybody knew I was the only one , I had no way of hiding . He said , you work in the office , you speak the language , you write the language . What 's your name ? Where did you live ? Where did you go to school ? I worked in the office which was not cold in winter , which was an advantage . But if the SS were in a foul mood or the commandment whose private quarters were adjacent to the office , when he came through we had to stand up . But whenever he was in a foul mood he would beat us . We were running around with bloody bruised legs , with swollen eyes and bruised faces . There was one other young woman who worked in the office . E : Yes . People envied us , our friends envied us , you sit in the office . You 're not out in the cold . We didn 't have more food , we had the same amount of food unless we stole something . That was very risky and very difficult . We did it twice . But , and if we could spare something we gave something away . Ellie got very pale , she coughed a great deal , and she envied me a great deal . She was very angry that I was in the office and she was not . But there was nothing I could do . I couldn 't say , tell the Germans , take her to the office , in fact I didn 't even dare speak to them . When I showed her the bruises she said forget it , that 's nothing . So it 's relative , if you hurt , you hurt differently than the other person . There was one very low ranking SS guard who patrolled the perimeter or rather the entrance of the camp . It had barbed wires and towers , but it only had 500 inmates . One day he called and he said , pick up the rubber shear . I picked it up and he started to talking and he said , I hear you 're from Hamburg . And I said yes . And he said , what was your name ? Who was your father ? He said , I don 't like this duty anymore than you do . I was a Communist before the war . He lived in a very poor section of town , he lived in Altona , and we talked for a little while . Both of us were afraid . I said I have a proposition . You find me a place to hide , you look the other way and get me some food . And I will sign over one of my father 's houses , I am the sole heir , to you . Well he came back the next week and he dropped a box of paper clips and made me pick them up so he could talk . And he said , I checked you out . The houses are there , your father was the owner , and I am very tempted . I am a very poor man , I 'll never be a rich man . He was a lowly civil servant . And this is very tempting . I said , alright , let me know . Well , the weeks passed . We saw him but he didn 't stop , he didn 't talk . And one day he disappeared , he never came back . And then the kommandant came into the office and he yelled , remove Wachmeister We stayed in this camp until the end of March 1945 . Then they suddenly put us in trucks . We got off the trucks and they made us walk . We really didn 't walk very well at that time . I leaned on Ellie , Ellie leaned on Sabina . And we came through a gate _ it looked similar to Auschwitz , watchtowers _ and I looked on the right and the left . There were huge mountains of shoes , just shoes , any color , any size , maybe ten feet tall , mountains of shoes , no feet , no legs , shoes . They counted us into a barracks , somebody got the information that this was Bergen - Belsen . And that night the woman screamed continually , no bunks , and she gave birth to maybe a half pound , a pound , large infant . The infant died immediately . She didn 't even know she was pregnant . In Bergen Belsen there was no water , there was hardly any food . There were open , open , not even ditches , open huge pits with bodies , naked bodies . Most of them were decaying in green . . There was a tremendous amount of typhoid . There was no work to be done , I mean no work details , nothing . We were there approximately I would guess two weeks , give or take . And then one morning we saw the SS on the other side of the wire and they had white armbands n their left sleeve . It didn 't mean much to us . Everything was the same , maybe less food , but they didn 't come into the camp _ they as a rule they didn 't _ and by lunch time we heard enormous noises . And then we saw tanks rolling in the main avenue . That was it . I started working for the English that afternoon . ( crying pause ) E : No . None . Nothing in and nothing out . The British didn 't know . They had no idea what they were finding and they were looking for interpreters because they had trouble with this multitude of languages . I could manage a couple of them , not all of them , but at least for the Hungarian Jews I could speak Yiddish . With the Polish Jews , either Polish or Yiddish . With the Russians , I sort of spoke some Polish or Russian , but they were not Jewish , the Russian prisoners . And they had no idea what they had found . They found people , that night they dispersed food stuffs from the German warehouses and there were two pound cans of pork and fat . And being hungry you open them and you eat ; by the morning you are dead . That 's how we lost Ellie 's mother . Ellie got very sick and she couldn 't even eat , by then she had tuberculosis , she lost a lung in the meantime . And for some reason I had the common sense to ask the major for whom I worked for some biscuits and I didn 't eat the pork . I just ate dry biscuits , the first day the second day , we went from barrack to barrack . And he wanted to talk to the people and to know where they 're from . And half of them couldn 't even talk to them , you know , it was too late . There was a man who had a knife in his hand , he must have weighed almost seventy pounds . And he was slicing away at a corpse and eating the raw flesh . It was unreal . Because you walked around , you could see it , I think the first order was to bring water and food and bury the dead . And to have some hospitals opened . While they made many mistakes , they also did a lot of good . I mean they tried . I worked for them as an interpreter until they had to rush me out of Germany in December 1945 . Sometimes a translator , once I was asked to translate when they had caught a German who never was in the Army , who never was an SS , after much interrogation it turned out he was SS . He was stationed in Oranienburg , and towards the end of the interrogation the major took his gun out of his holster , released the safety and put it inE : Erzassel . And then threats started coming a few weeks later . The English War Crimes division wrote a letter to the American Embassy in Paris and said help her to get out . They drove me and three other young women first to Holland , the Dutch didn 't want to let civilians in out of Germany . So we turned the car around , drove through a riverbed , the Dutch shooting after us , and entered Holland illegally . Then we went to Belgium , same day , and we got to Brussels . And the captain who was in charge , was the captain and the driver of the car , knew some people in Belgium , in Brussels , and we spent the night there . Although the lady did not want to have prisoners in her house so we had to stay in the hallway . The next morning the three girls remained in Brussels and we crossed the French border . The French border was , compared to Holland , Belgium , almost elegant . I had a so called visa from a young officer in Bergen - Belsen , whose name was rather famous , his father used to be a cabinet minister . And he was just a young officer , in the French Army , stationed in Bergen - Belsen . He made out a entry permit for me . And the French , when they saw his name which was Francois P . , they said of course . Not this government , but the government before that , he was also a minister . But I 've never seen him again . We drove as far as Lille . In Lille we parked the car , we were terribly hungry and the three of us went into a small restaurant . And we had a terrible chicken dinner and some wine and an awful dessert that was sticky . And someone in the corner was playing the accordion . Captain A . and I had one foxtrot . I always thought he was very nice but I knew he was engaged to be married so I wasn 't going to waste my time . We went , came outside , and the car was stolen . It was a British Army car with the insignia , everything on it , number , serial number , gone . The little luggage I had was gone . So we walked to the railroad station , he bought a third class ticket for me . To Paris , and he said , when you get to Paris , get to the Jewish youE : My mother had a brother in Israel , there was lots of family at that time . They all had gotten together and made the decisions for me . That didn 't work anymore . I was 21 years old and the decisions were going to be mine . I was not going to be told by aunts and uncles , now you do this , now you do that . So I decided to go to America and my cousin sat on the train with me , all the way to Bordeaux arguing , it didn 't help . I went on a Merchant Marine ship to New York , took twenty two days , and I left him behind . Even back home , the family was very angry . At first they didn 't write but then they changed their mind . They thought I had made a great mistake . But I don 't think I made a mistake . I mean I wouldn 't have minded living in Israel , on the contrary . But what I did mind is being told what to do . That I couldn 't take . I : Did you know who you were supposed to marry , at all ? E : Three days after liberation I asked the major whether he would post a letter over his name . I would write the letter , he would mail it , over his army number , into Palestine . And he did and I had an answer a week later . Because I knew the address , it was important . I : I 'd like to go back a little if I could . When you were working in the office , did you take it upon yourself to memorize … E : No , but if you , not consciously , but if you have a roster of forty names . I also had a roster of five hundred Jewish prisoners . But if you have a roster of forty two names , with addresses , and you keep writing it and rewriting it over a period of six months , it sticks . It was just there , just like you memorize a phone number you use over and over . E : At this point I 'm really not sure of the names . I mean they 're available in the German records . But fifty years , I don 't retain them , I didn 't want to retain them . When he was replaced with the second one , who was a very high ranking Army officer before the war and then turned into SS . So he had an education and he had some , what should I say , some basic background . But he was trained to behave a certain way and he behaved accordingly . And the third one used to be a gardener in Southern Germany , stuck into an SS uniform . He could barely read or write . And he was vicious . He had little brown squinty eyes and he was the nastiest of them all . He was vicious . His son wrote me , that his father had been convicted and so on and so forth , would I please write a letter and intervene . I threw it away . I should have saved these but in those days , you didn 't think that way . I : Did you know anything about the medical experiments that were going on there ? E : I heard about it in Auschwitz , there were rumors . There were rumors about twins and some of the other things , but I didn 't see and I didn 't hear , these were just whispered rumors . I : Neither at Auschwitz or Neuengamme , you didn 't hear anything about these ? E : Yes , yes . Well , if you committed a grave offense , like there was Mrs . Kron and she used to be the wife of one of ghetto police chiefs . So she was not used to any kind of deprivation or any kind of hardship . When she came to the work camp , she couldn 't work fast enough and she couldn 't work fast enough . And she had a fifteen year old daughter . And she was very conspicuous , and the one thing were not to be was conspicuous . She had large feet and her blonde hair of course was gone . She had a very grotesque face that rested on sort of a funny neck and a strange figure _ very uncoordinated . One time she walked out of line , she didn 't keep up the proper speed , and the commandant flew into rage , and she had to kneel in the middle and we had to stand around her . And he beat her mercilessly . There was just nothing left but flesh and bone . Just horrible . E : The same thing . We couldn 't even pick her up . We had to wait , it was a little later , But I don 't think she survived . E : If he was , I wouldn 't have known . Upon departure , in that selection we were told , and by then we knew of him . Since we had to walk past him at a three feet distance you couldn 't miss it . E : Not really . Because all I saw was a uniform . And I made it a point not to look right and not to look left , and he was on my right . And I didn 't look . I had a glance but not to draw you a composite picture , to take to the police station for identification , no . E : Not really , we were aware that the ghetto was being liquidated . The ghetto had 150 , 000 people , give or take , it varied . A transport had probably , roughly , a thousand at a time . So , we knew they would be coming in but we were not mixed together . We got no word from outside , nothing . E : Well first of all I wasn 't in front of them , I was at a distance . So all you could see is like a factory type chimney , sticking up into the sky . And the smoke was black , very smelly and very black . I was close enough away to walk there yet far enough away not to actually see the building , it was obstructed by other buildings . E : I didn 't know , I found out in May . Auschwitz are all brick buildings , more or less prison like . About 5 kilometers from there is a camp that is nothing but barracks , surrounded by wire , the chimneys , and that 's it . But , you know , miles of it , as far as the eye can reach . I : A city ? E : Yes , so they are totally two different entities in terms . I think they housed permanent prisoners , political prisoners , they housed in the stone type buildings . The Jews , which they either destroyed or sent to work camps or they housed in those barracks , which probably had to be built because there were just , millions of them . I : Can you remember your awareness , at what point in time did you become aware what the purpose of this concentration camp was for ? E : A couple of days . And then you only had one choice ; you could either hope , or you could stop caring , or you could walk to the wire and electrocute . Those were the three choices . And most of us just vegetated , we didn 't want to think , we didn 't want to talk , nothing . E : A miracle . We didn 't hope for a God , because there was no God , obviously . But for a miracle , some unreal miracle . I had hoped for a slice of bread or for meeting ( … . ) , I had hoped for a miracle that maybe the English will fall out of the sky or something . I don 't know . E : No . I didn 't even when I was back in Hamburg , back in the camp . I had no idea how close it was . I didn 't know that Holland and Belgium had been liberated . I didn 't know that Poland had been liberated . See people , I once was at a camp that mainly housed men , I was taken along to do some translating . I was sitting on the back of a truck , tied to the rails . And there was a young man scrubbing the floor and he was in uniform . He looked horrible . I was actually in Neuengamme and he talked to me in a language I couldn 't identify . He couldn 't understand me . He smiled , he had no teeth . He kept saying , " Krieg kaput . " War finished . I 'd heard that for five years , I wasn 't about to believe that one . The SS who saw him , you know fairly close scrubbing the floor , hit him and pushed him away and scolded him in vile language to bring clean water and to scrub better . He took the bucket and he came back , I hoped he would come back , ten minutes later with clean water . In his hand was a little ball of brown paper and he sort of gave it a push next to my foot . And I watched and watched , I looked right and left . He smiled and I smiled . When I thought I was safe I picked up the little piece of paper , stuck it in my pocket . And later on I found out it was dry bread that had been half eaten and crumbled . I : And this was in Neuengamme ? E : We made it a point to stay together . In fact at one point when we had numbers and names , they said to line up alphabetically . Her name started with an S . So I just changed mine to an S and she was very upset with me . She said , what if they ask ? Well , I 'll just say I married your brother someplace and joined the line . I knew there were no records to really prove it . It was still a chance I took . And that way we stayed together . E : Eighty three ? It could be , no 83 , it could have been ' 93 . No ' 83 , definitely not . He was about the age of my father , give or take , he was in his fifties . No , he wasn 't that old . E : Yes , she was , she was , she became a very nervous woman , a very angry woman . Very difficult . And she could have lived . She could have lived . E : If she hadn 't eaten the three pounds of pork and lard , she would have made it another three , four days , and would have gotten some other food . She could have made it . But whatever somebody couldn 't eat , she still took and ate . Not only her own ration but everybody else 's too . That , she just couldn 't do it . E : No , there was no point to it . It was too late . We could have all lived had we left , we could have all left at a given time . We didn 't . E : No , the past was very far away , very distant . There was no point wasting energy on it . It would not come back , it would never be back , it was . I : Did you know that ? Did you make a conscious decision ? E : I knew that . Yes . I didn 't know whether there would be a tomorrow or a future , but I knew the past was gone . There was no retrieving it . I : What do you think sustained you ? E : I had a classmate who went to high school with me and left for England in ' 39 . And who stayed at our house prior to leaving . And she helped me . Her family took me in for two weeks . And she got me a job in a factory sewing gloves , which I hated . And I found a furnished room . E : No , in Sunnyside , in Queens . I made thirty dollars a week and I paid $ 5 on taxes , $ 8 on rent , the rest on clothing . Very little on food . The rest on clothing . I could live on a candy bar but I needed clothing desperately . I : I want to go back , just for a second , to the day of liberation . It 's been written that the British soldiers had no idea . Did the other women around you , did they believe it ? When did you know it was for real ? E : Nobody believed it . First of all they didn 't let us out of the camp . They came in through the gate and they asked somebody to please speak English to them . There were several of us who could . And then they asked questions and then they told us that the Germans are gone , finished . And then it sort of sank in . But it wasn 't sort of a screaming , jubilant occasion . It wasn 't . It was subdued . E : Sort of . I had two badly damaged kidneys . I was fighting , at the date of liberation , typhus . I : Was that from dehydration ? E : No , I don 't think so . I had kidney trouble already in the ghetto . I don 't know what it 's from . It 's from the war , but not exactly what caused it . I was on my feet , but that 's about all you could say . My brain was working , my body was not functioning . And I had a terrible , terrible trouble with what you , I don 't know what you call it in English , the skin infections that go into huge boils that you have to lance . They are caused in wars and from malnutrition . You get them all over , on your neck and on your head and your legs . It 's very painful and very , they leave horrible scars . These are the things , compared to others , I was pretty much okay . You know , it 's relative . E : I learned English in the third or fourth grade . I was really poor at it . The English teacher who was " English " English called my parents to school and said , that kid is hopeless , get her a tutor . Three times a week privately and they did . After a year I was straight A in English , no trouble at all , I just had trouble catching up . E : Well I went to school until ' 41 and I used my English . I also had French and Latin , but not as much as English . And once I had occasion in ' 45 , I just decided to talk , it was more English than American . I 'm great at improvising . If I miss a word , I 'll talk around it , in any language , whether it 's Polish or Hebrew or whatever it is , I 'll talk around it . E : I could have gone earlier . I thought I would get papers directly to Bergen - Belsen , get out of there , I didn 't realize that you , there really was no way of getting out of there . Because nothing went out of Germany . But I was waiting for my family to do something , I had two cousins in the army , so I assumed that somebody would take some action . They took me out in December , November , December ' 45 , mainly because they were afraid somebody would kill me . E : Not far from Bergen Belsen was some permanent army housing . Brick type housing , it was sort of like you would imagine a college dormitory . Individual rooms , then a huge bathroom at the end , and no kitchens . And they relocated us into that particular building . One of those buildings , there were hundreds of them . E : Yes , they did have hot water . They had toilets , but down the hall . And they put about six or eight people in one room . E : No , it was clean . It was very clean . There was food , not necessarily the food you wanted to eat , but very starchy food . You had freedom . If you had a pass you could get out of camp , which I did . I made friends with several English , men and women , in the English Army . I : How quickly did you regain your strength and health ? E : My health I didn 't regain for about fifteen years . Needed a lot of work , including my teeth . Strength , superficially , was back within a few months . I was bloated , I was about 150 pounds . I : This was water . E : You know , the kidneys didn 't function , the food wasn 't right . But I did what I wanted to do , I worked . I did not want to go to doctors or to a hospital . And I guess on a scale of one to ten , I probably came out six or seven or eight , or something like that . E : Because there was this old fear , still from the ghetto , if you were in the hospital you were deported or something bad would happen . We could not imagine that a British Army hospital would be just what it was , a hospital . We thought , you know maybe they 'll stack you up , one on top of the other , and you 'll just vegetate . So there was a great deal of mistrust there . E : No , I was very trusting . This was a country without prejudice , without discrimination , the country of the free , I trusted everybody . I : And is that true , did you find that ? E : No . I went for on a job interview in Manhattan and I found out a Jew couldn 't get a job , not in that particular office . So I was just devastated , I had not expected that . E : No , not at that point . No , the family was too old fashioned , too European . Too strong , both in numbers and opinions , and I really did not want to do battle . I : You mentioned how they had all arranged everything for you . And you said you weren 't going to do that . How much of that came from the fact you were twenty one ? E : I 'd lived on my own for five years . I 'd been through hell and back . While they were well meaning and kind people , I could not have somebody control me to that extent . I been controlled for too long . I couldn 't . I : So you were living in New York and you were working in a factory . And then what ? E : Somebody invited me for dinner and he was there . When he heard my name he said , you were in the ghetto . Because somebody told him . I said yes . And he said , did you meet the ( E . 's ) ? And I said , yes , I knew them very well . One day we walked from Riga Park to Woodside , takes about four hours , and I told him the story . Just once , not a second time . We went out a great deal , we went to concerts . Then he said , go to school , learn to type . And I went to school and learned to type . And I took some college courses at Hunters College at night . But I still couldn 't type , I couldn 't learn to type . I can still type , a hundred words a minute with four fingers . Then I got a job at an office , downtown Manhattan , they just wanted to sure I knew English . I said , I 'll outspell you anytime . I talked to the president of the company that used to make those electric trains , Lionel , that used to whistle , probably your father played with them . I worked there and they had a great many Jews in the office , practically all Jews , the president was Jewish . I became very friendly with the office manager and she said , learn the dictaphone . So I learned the dictaphone . And I had a very good job until 1949 , when a friend of my husband 's came from California to New York and said , come to San Francisco . I have a small factory . You work for me . So we packed up the car , we sold the two room apartment , and we moved to California . E : Forty - nine , at the end of 1949 , and we moved to California . In California , I worked for Westinghouse , and then I had the children and I worked only a little bit , part time . Then I went back to school , California College of Arts and Crafts . I did a lot of painting , a lot of artistry , I loved it . And when the kids were old enough to be to three o ' clock in school , I went to Golden Gate College and got an insurance license and credentials and I got a job . I worked at that job , no between two jobs , for twenty years . And I retired in ' 85 , ' 86 . E : He was a businessman , he was in marketing . He had gone to school and studied economics at the University of Brussels . Then he made the mistake and he went back to Germany . He was arrested and the family got him out with a forged visa to Cuba . And he was on one of the three boats , one was turned back , the Voyage of the Damned , well he was on the one that landed the week before . He was a farmer in Cuba for two years and then he came to New York and he was drafted right away . He was four years in the Army , overseas , in intelligence , because he speaks six languages so he was in intelligence . E : When they took off for college , I told them where I was and when I was there . But no details . I : Have they ever heard ? E : They 've read them . The ones I 've got on paper , they 've read them . And they really don 't , what should I say , they can 't cope really with the past . The younger one was on a bike trip in Germany when he was in graduate school , and he was in Munich . And the leader took him to Dachau . I said , did you find your grandfather 's name ? He said , yes , but he wouldn 't talk . The older one has been to Germany three times . Once to Berlin , once to Kiel , and once I think to Constance on conferences , he 's an economist . And he said , I can 't relate to those people . They have to speak English because the language in economics is English , the only language that is spoken . He says I can 't cope with them , they obviously know I 'm a Jew by that name , but nobody would dare and say something . And he goes in and out , a day , two days , out . E : It was neither harder nor easier . It was painful . The cemetery was painful . The ghetto was painful . The Jewish community , or what exists of it , of the temples , of the synagogues , was pitiful . It was so … . it was not even a remnant . The poverty among the Jews is painful . Anti - semitism is well and alive . E : Yes , yes , this was one of the reasons my father said that Germany or France are much more civilized . And they don 't have the pogroms that we have . I want my kids to grow up there . They happened to be wrong but it was a good idea . E : My mother did , once , when I was quite young told me . She was the youngest of eight children . She was very beautiful , smart , black hair , brown eyes , white skin , and there was a warning in town . The Cossacks are coming or there 's going to be a pogrom . So grandmother hid that youngest child , the youngest daughter , I guess the other one was hidden someplace else , I don 't know . They hid the little one , must have been seven , in the kitchen stove , in the old fashioned kitchen stove . She told me that story . Now I couldn 't imagine what a pogrom was . I also didn 't know what Cossacks were . I also didn 't know what it means to kill Jews . I listened to this and then I said to my mother , it must have been summer . And she said why ? You couldn 't have hid in the stove otherwise . So I had no concept , none . That came much later . I didn 't know about killing or persecuting . E : In a way it was frightening , because you were exposed to it on a day to day basis . The kids were harassed very much in streetcars , on street corners , yet it probably wasn 't as frightening to me until 1939 as to some others . Because I still hid behind this foreign national . It gave you a false security , it gave you some larger food rations . But we were very aware of what was going on . We did not wear a star until Poland lost the war . The other Jews did , we did not have to . So it was a , you were just fooling yourself , you were kidding yourself . I : Were you subject to all the laws that the German Jews were subject to ? I : And , I believe it was in 1939 , all of the Jews in Germany had to change their names to Sara and Israel . E : No , no , that did not apply to us either , because we did not have German papers . So , but the moment Poland lost the war in September 1939 , you know , it was no difference , it was the same story . A Jew was a Jew . E : We had an influx , gradually , of Jewish children . The later it got , you know it started in ' 34 , ' 33 , the later it got the small towns , the small I wouldn 't even say villages , small towns , very small towns , they had to take the children out immediately , you know if they had four or five Jewish kids . The bigger towns , medium sized towns , took a little longer . But eventually all kids had to get out of non - Jewish schools . They were either with their parents or without their parents , shipped into the larger cities to attend Jewish schools . E : There were very few of us in ' 41 and shortly thereafter there was a law passed that the schools had to be closed permanently . So between that time and between the time they had deported all the Jews , the kids had no education whatsoever . No school . E : No , we only talked about going someplace . Going to Palestine , going to Bolivia , even going to Madagascar . It was just a matter of going someplace , wherever a door would be open . That was all that mattered and the children were excited by it , it 's exciting to go on a trip , to go someplace . I : I 'm going to jump ahead for a second . There 's something you mentioned , as an aside , the woman who was the Kapo at Auschwitz . You said you ran into her at Altman 's . E : Yes , I was at Altman 's , let 's see it must have been 1947 , in New York . And it was cold , it was fall . I needed a pair of gloves that did , from California you don 't take gloves . And I went into Altman 's on Fifth Avenue , I was alone I didn 't go with friends . I went to the glove counter to get tied on gloves . And I couldn 't decide whether to get red ones or black ones . There was a lady next to me , much taller than I , very black hair , even , naturally died and sort of cut almost like a man 's cut . Very short . Very striking . Well dressed . She was trying on gloves and she smiled . And I don 't know why or what but I turned and I looked at her . And she looked at me . And I said , Maya . That wasn 't a question , it was a statement . And she said , yes , how do you know ? I said , Auschwitz . And she turned white . She said , oh I can explain , I had to , it was really bad , and I didn 't kill anybody . She just beat us , she didn 't kill us . And it just sort of burst out of her , that she really wasn 't bad . E : No , in English , we spoke in English . And I said , what about the SS that came at night to visit you ? She didn 't deny it . When I looked at her hands and she wore a wedding band . I said , you 're married ? She said , Yes . I said , whom did you marry ? I 'm not normally that fresh or that nosy . And she didn 't answer . She didn 't answer . I said , not the SS ? And she said , yes . He followed me from camp to camp , in occupied Germany , I couldn 't get rid of him , he even followed me to New York . And then I decided , that there was no point running away from him , he 's really quite a decent sort . And we both have our past . I looked at her and I said , do you have children ? She said , no . I said , I pity them . I hope you never have them . And I turned and I walked . E : Oh , the rest of the day . My girlfriend , I went back to my boyfriend 's house in Manhattan , and she said , what 's the matter with you ? I said , I just saw a nightmare walking through in Altman 's . She said , put it out of your mind . It won 't help . You can call up the FBI and report them if you want them . And I said no . E : A Jew is a Jew . To point a finger at another Jews is very hard for me . Some of us are guilty , some of us are very guilty . Some of us are clean , some of us are not so clean . I got off that train , maybe somebody would have went in my place ? I don 't know . I couldn 't point a finger at another Jew . I might detest them , I might not like them , but unless he really killed another human being , I would not point a finger . I can 't . E : Well he drew up some lists for deportations , they came out of his office . He was very arrogant . He was very unpleasant . Very unsympathetic . And you don 't open a door for a sixteen year old and yell like a German . You just don 't do that . He was born in Hannover , he went to school in Hannover until he was about 18 , and then he was pushed over the border in ' 38 to Poland . And he just thought the world was his . And it turned out this way . His wife lived next door to us in the ghetto , she was married to a policeman . She divorced him . She married him . He came to New York , he changed his name . I : Do you know what his name was ? E : In the ghetto ? That 's a matter of record . Bernard F . . His sister was Dora F . . That 's in the books . That 's in the record . He came to New York , he has a very good job as an importer , an exporter , I 'm not sure . He lives out in a very affluent neighborhood . He has two children . He stays away from the Jewish community . He does not give interviews and if he does , his wife runs interference . She is a lot smarter than he is . I : Is wife a survivor ? E : Oh yes , she knew , she married him in the ghetto . It was practical to marry him . I mean , he had all the worldly needs that you needed at that time . Food and housing and clothing . She was very well off . E : Oh yes , Lucjan D . set up an interview with him and he came . The moment he asked the question and F . started to answer , his wife ran interference to the point that you couldn 't even talk . So Lucjan gave up and he 's pretty determined . E : Dora died . She married one of the ( J . ) brothers , the younger one , who also was ghetto administration , and she died after the war . Probably New York , I 'm not entirely sure . But she was nasty , she was very sure of herself , very good looking , she could not stand another woman in her presence . Once when I applied for a job in the offices because I spoke German , she couldn 't get me out there fast enough . She was not pleasant . But she was smart , she had a brain . I : What was her job in the ghetto ? E : She was not a raving beauty . She was good looking , but nothing exceptional . No , I don 't think so . I just think she was very very bright , very smart , and she had the ability to juggle the two languages that were needed at that point . And she was at the ghetto at the start . When it was first founded , whatever you want to call it . E : No , none . There were two , three instances that you might construe as help . My father had a lawyer , who took care of the real estate and things of that sort . When they blocked our account and gave us $ 100 a month to live on , whatever it was , he would sort of put in a bill for a plumber or something , to smuggle some money out for us . It was our money , but we couldn 't get it . That was the sum total of help we got from him . The man who packed our belongings and shipped them in huge , huge crates , sort of containers , to Israel , to Palestine , I wrote him a postcard from the ghetto . We left him also some money to set a stone on my father 's grave or the ashes or whatever it is . And he sent twenty marks to the ghetto . After the war , when I was in New York , he reminded me of it . And I sent more than twenty dollars worth of food to him . And when we worked in the shipyards , cleaning up , and I had this enormous infection on the left hand . The man who ran the canteen used to have a shop not far from the area where my father had the wine cellars . He said he remembered , I don 't know , it was a working class neighborhood , it was not a residential neighborhood _ on the first of May you saw red flags only , not a national flag , until Hitler of course _ he said he remembered my father . My father once gave him a bottle of wine , I 'm not sure . He took me into the kitchen for three days and he made me eat everything that I could just possibly swallow . Which was difficult because you couldn 't eat . He didn 't let me take anything out , because it was dangerous . And he gave me an old , torn leather jacket . I never saw him again , I don 't have his name . I think these are the only instances that I could tell you that even remotely resembled help . E : There was , in return for favors . The camp at Sasel had a Jewish camp leader , she was the head of the Jewish group . She had one of the corporals of the SS from another camp come every week to visit and bring food . But she paid for it in return . I : How did she pay ? E : They locked themselves up in some storage room . Sex . They were occasionally some people , when we marched , that would drop an apple or something . E : Probably . Probably . But the Germans are not known for courage , danger or no danger , that is not their strong point . There was , I would say , I can 't say there was no compassion at all , but there was so little it was pitiful . I : At the end of the war , I think , were you embittered ? E : I was angry , I was terribly angry . E : I worked for the English , and let them tell me when to be angry and not to be angry . That was easier . I was angry , I was terribly impatient . I walked into the police headquarters in Hamburg and asked them for a duplicate of a birth certificate . That 's city hall ; they said come back tomorrow . I said , you 're out of your mind . Not only do I want it today , I want it now . I give you five minutes . Luckily I didn 't go alone , I went with an officer . I said , slam the gun on the table . And he did and I had my birth certificate . I : You had a chance to work out some of your anger ? E : Some of my anger I worked . I still don 't like the Germans . I see them in an elevator in France , or I see them in Italy in a restaurant , in their noisy , ugly way , and I still don 't like them . Especially my generation . E : I did go for two days . Because my son was in Paris and he said , I want to see . So he came in , he lasted one day , I didn 't last that long , and we flew out into Paris . I couldn 't . I couldn 't . I couldn 't stomach the people , the places I could cope with . I could not cope with today 's bureaucracy . I could also not cope with Hamburg 's Jews . I went to the synagogue and I could not cope with them . They are , they 're different . there a lot of Iranian Jews there , some German Jews . On a national basis , they 're assimilated . Not on a religious basis . They have made their peace . I don 't know whether they have ever heard about not forgetting . I 'm not talking about forgiving , this is unforgivable , but about not forgetting . The girl who worked in the office with me in the camps lived for thirty years in Hamburg . She married a Jewish boy from Poland , she lived in Hamburg , and had a child there . There is something wrong with the people . When they picked us up at the airport , they picked us up with the Secret Service . Now I wanted to know whether I needed to be protected from the Germans or the Germans from me . That never was quite clear . But I do not like a guard , I don 't like a guard anyplace , I take my chances . The hotel was sort of a Holiday Inn type hotel . I figure if you invite somebody , you either put them up at the Fairmont or not at all . The mayor of the city is the brother of the conductor of the ( V . ) . He was the conductor , a well known conductor . He 's well educated , his father was a German officer . He was killed in the overthrow attempt at Hitler . But he did not put in an appearance . Jews were not important enough . His substitute made a statement to the effect that the past is past , and what happened happened , and we can only sincerely trust that it won 't repeat itself . I found that unacceptable and I said so right then and there . I made more enemies than I made friends , in one day . I : You stood up ? After he spoke ? E : Yes , I stood up afterwards . I refused to be filmed . Whenever the newsreel came near , I turned my back , I did not want to be on television . I sat between two gentlemen at the luncheon . Not that I could eat , I couldn 't . One of them was a friend of Adenauer , he was instrumental in the peace treaty , or the financial arrangements between Germany and Israel . He knew Ben Gurion , he knew everybody , anybody worth while knowing . He must have been in his seventies . He also went to school with a friend of mine in Berkeley . And he threw names around rather liberally . He died a couple of years ago . My question to him was , what did you do from 1933 to 1945 . And he didn 't want to answer and I didn 't let go . He said , I sold sewing machines . And I said , and that from a Social Democrat or a Communist in your youth ? Do you find that acceptable , I find that totally unacceptable . So that killed the conversation on the right side . On the left side was a young man , and he was in city government , a councilmen or something like that . His claim to fame was that his father was a high ranking officer and he now married his Jewish girlfriend . He was probably fortyish , probably ten years younger than I was at the time , maybe a little older . He lived in the suburb where one of the camps was . He was aware of it . He sent me a brochure that the teachers of the local high school had put together , from the interviewing they had done of the local population . It was full of errors , full of flaws , even the diagram of the camp was flawed . I made corrections and I sent them back and I said , if somebody does research , why don 't they talk to some Jews instead of some Germans ? I never heard from them again . E : No , no , they did the best they knew how to do . There is no feeling of any kind of resentment . The Germans , I try to keep an open mind towards the young ones although it 's difficult to do . I 've met four of them recently in Berkeley . And the lack of knowledge and the lack of reading they have done on this subject is appalling . The older ones , there is no forgiving , no forgetting , not for me . But I don 't hate , you can 't live a life and keep on hating . But no forgiving , no forgetting . E : I think it ceased the moment I hit New York . I got away from " them " , in quotation marks . And there was no time . I was just too busy , to adjust , to work , to learn , to you know there was no time . To be either angry or anything else . E : Ellie lives in a kibbutz in Israel . Ellie has no recollection of the past . If you ask her , do you remember our friend , such and such , or do you remember the street going this way ? Her answer is no , nothing . But I think it 's a defense mechanism , I think she doesn 't want to . Because once in a while something slips inadvertently . Ellie 's brother in England who defected from Prague after the war , he remembers . But he was very shallow , very fun loving , was a cute kid . He 's still the same Erwin . We see each other we say hello for old time 's sakes but there 's no , no substance . We have nothing in common . E : Well , we saw him ten times . We went to Israel for the first time in ' 63 , with the children . He wrote to me in Yiddish , I wrote back in English . He wrote about once a month . We phone about twice , three times a year . The last time in January , I think it was , for his birthday . We also have different memories . Some of the things he remembers I don 't and vice versa . He swears that he took me to the shoes factory in the ghetto . And he got me a pair of shoes . I swear equally much that I never got a pair of shoes . He also swears that he got to Auschwitz in October or November of ' 44 and he saw me in a rag , pushing a wagon . I never pushed a wagon in Auschwitz and I wasn 't there in November of ' 44 . So the mind after fifty years is strange . We decided when I was there April a year ago , that we 'll let it rest . I believe what I believe , he believes what he believes . E : No . She was killed in Mauthausen . He remarried a school teacher after the war , very nice woman , but she has Alzheimer 's , she is very sick . We were there with them April a year ago , we took a walk in the garden . And he said something and he used to speak in a very low voice . I said , say it louder or walk on my right side , not on my left side . And he said , you still don 't hear ? I said , no , I still don 't hear . Couldn 't they fix it ? I said , No , they couldn 't fix it . But he said , what actually happened ? You were at the Gestapo and the beat you . Why did they beat you ? I said I was denounced . And he said , denounced ? For what ? I said , a radio , I never had a radio , who would do such a thing . And I looked at him a long time and I said , either I tell him now or I never tell him , I 'll go with it to my grave . And I said , Ana , which was his first wife . He said , she did ? I said , yes . And he looked at me for a long time and he said , she could do things like that . But I ask you for a favor . Forgive her . I didn 't answer . Because she 's dead . Whether I forgive her or not is immaterial to her and to me , maybe I should . I don 't know . E : Just to tell . The stories are all pretty much alike yet they 're all different . Just to tell them one more story , I think . I don 't write it for my kids , certainly not for my husband . I : Will your children read it ? E : Yes , one of them in fact corrected one chapter . At least he attempted , it 's not his field , but he attempted and we disagreed but it was an interesting experiment . I 've given some chapters to some people whose opinion I would value . Such as Elie Wiesel , ( Lucien D . , Cynthia O . ) and the reaction has been very good . So I hope . I also have a friend who is a professor of creative writing and literature . And she does some editing which helps a great deal . Not the content , just the mechanical parts . So maybe , I don 't know , we 'll see . I : Well , I think that should do it . I think if your book is anything like your interview , it will be a wonderful book and a great addition to literature . Thank you . 2 . This is my sister , Karin , in 1936 , her first school day in Hamburg , Germany . 6 years old . On the first school day European custom is when you 're picked up from school , you get your picture taken and a huge tube full of sweets to make it a sweet school year . 4 . This is 1926 , with my parents in Poland . It is not at the beach , sand and bucket in photographers studio . About a year old . 6 . This is my father in 1939 in Hamburg just before the outbreak of the war . Old ? Born in ' 92 , so he was 47 years old . |
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I would not get into a buggy with a horse . The horse was alive , the horse moved , and I wanted a taxi like I was used to . Coming to my grandmother 's house , it was a nice house , not as nice as what I was used to but it was nice . E : Yes . She had a store , she spoke Yiddish to me , she wore a wig , she was very religious . And she would always give me a candy but I had to hide it , I wasn 't supposed to eat so much candy . There was a lot of ground around the house and the ground was cultivated by the peasants . They had a lot of huge yellow cucumbers which were then pickled and sold . A little bit down the road I had an aunt who cultivated poppies , I mean acres and acres of red poppies and the poppy seeds were dried and used as poppy seeds , not opium . The front of my grandmother 's store faced out on one of the main streets , the larger streets . The street was not paved , it was raining and it was summertime . The peasants with their horse drawn wagons would come and bring chickens , the chickens were alive , the feet were tied but the chickens were alive so with the tied feet they couldn 't take off . When the unpaved road of the main street was mud and wet , the peasants would take off their shoes , they didn 't wear stockings , socks , and they would walk barefoot and I would stand their and look . The mud would ooze out through the toes , you know in between the toes , and I thought that was very strange , people without shoes . I 'd never seen that before . I remember going to my uncle 's store , who lived in the center of town of the ring , and he had a hardware , houseware store . I remember my father scolding him that nothing had prices . The buckets didn 't have a price , the brooms didn 't have , nothing had a price . My father had lived in Germany already too long and his mind was too orderly to comprehend that you went in and bartered , you bargained . You didn 't just pick up a bucket and say , oh it 's five dollars . I pay you five dollars . That wasn 't done . I know that my uncle had three sons who were ten or fifteen years older than I . They were at the university and they had trouble as Jews , they were standing in the last row for lectures , for instruction . So my father and my uncle pooled their money because they had much more money in Germany anI : How many children in her family ? E : Sambor . S A M B O R . It 's not far from Tarnopol . I : So this was , at the outbreak of war this was the portion that went under German , uh , Russian control ? E : It was still under German rule . Because I remember one of my uncles writing a postcard that he had to do forced labor and that the aunts were no longer in Sambor . And that already was fairly late so it was under German occupation . Because the postcard had a German stamp . I : Did you hear anything , once the war commenced , was there any communication with your family , between let 's say your mother 's family or your father 's family ? E : Yes , there was still , as along as we could , we wrote . Which I would say was probably until early 1941 or so . The letters were really in very careful language , they were phrased . My mother would write to her brother and said , how does Uncle Ivan feel ? That means , are the Russians there or how are the Russians ? I once wrote a postcard and I signed my name , Cecelia L . W . W . , a German abbreviation for widow . So when my uncle got the postcard he wrote back that I can see that only you are left . You know there were little things you tried to cover up . And you got some communication but … E : Well he wrote that this aunt and this aunt and that aunt don 't live here or are not here . He was a really sick man , he had some spinal trouble , he couldn 't stand straight . He was working he said . E : In forced labor . There were considerable amount of Jews in Sambor . He did not really give any details . It was an open card , it happened to slip through . Which was unusual what he did . E : In the beginning we received some mail . We could send out three or four postcards during the first two years . And then it ceased completely . I : But in 1944 you did receive … . E : There was a post office , there were several post offices , like a little substation . I even remember seeing the letter carrier in the very beginning , which later on disappeared . I don 't whether somebody called me or said to pick up a postcard or whether somebody just dropped it by the house . That I don 't remember . E : It was a large Jewish community . I believe before the war or during the ' 20 's and ' 30 's , the town had 10 , 000 inhabitants , I think it 's 10 , 000 . There 's always been some dispute between 10 and a hundred but I don 't know for sure . It had a community I know that , people who ran for political office would make a stop there . It had a Jewish community , it had a Jewish cemetery , it had a Jewish synagogue . The amount of Jews , I 'm just not able to tell you how many . E : My family was there for three generations ; my mother was born there , my grandmother was born there , her mother before her was born nearby . So there is a story that my father 's family came from Spain over Holland into Poland , but again since they 're not Sephardic Jews , I 'm not sure this is true . It could be I don 't know . I : When was the last time you saw Sambor ? As a child I mean . E : Well they were very traditional . I remember before Yom Kippur , my grandmother having a chicken , she 'd go _ I don 't know , there 's a Yiddish expression for it I don 't know what it is in Hebrew _ I remember going down to the river and emptying out the pockets . There very traditional things that you don 't do or did not do in the Western countries , you sort of skipped by them . E : Yes , the town was deported to various camps , most of them were killed even before they hit Auschwitz . You know in small - sub camps like Hannenmoor , whatever they , they had these vans that were gas equipped . There was really no , I had not run across a group of people that really stayed in Sambor very late and survived . I tried to go back but there was a problem crossing the border into the Soviet Union , into that area with an American passport from Poland . The next time I probably tackle that in a different way . I tried but it didn 't work . E : No , no , it 's in the Soviet Union . They call it the Ukraine but the language spoken there is Russian . I : It was my understanding that the Ukraine was under Russian domination until 1941 , June of 1941 . E : There is a slight difference , geographically , between the Ukraine and Galacia . Galacia like to call itself the Ukraine , because it 's adjacent , but it 's not really the Ukraine . Because some of it was German occupied . I : One final question before I move on . When you came to Lodz , you had a suitcase with you . Do you remember the clothes you had and brought with you ? Did they last you for all the five years you were there ? E : No they didn 't . Yes they did in a way because the Jewish tailors in Poland were very ingenious . They could take something that had gotten two sizes too small , turn it inside out , make it two sizes larger , and get you a new jacket . Essentially yes , I wore pretty much the old clothing . E : I had a winter coat which was too light , so I wore two winter coats , one on top of the other . I had shoes which were useless because in winter , they just did not do well in snow . I had frostbite , I almost lost the toes . I had a jacket , a skirt , some blouses , and a couple of dresses , and my mother had a leather hatbox . One of those round hatboxes out of the ' 20 's . And eventually I took it to the shoemaker and had a pair of boots made . I paid him by giving him the leftovers of leather . That was his payment and he made the boots . I haven 't worn a pair of boots since , even though the fashion here is for knee high boots , I wouldn 't buy a pair of boots . I have worn boots thank you . E : No , nobody had pants in those days . We had stockings and you repaired them , and you repaired them they were full of these mending spots . New stockings , I don 't remember ever getting new stockings . For money you could have gotten anything . For money or for food . But I didn 't have either . I : How did you bathe ? E : We didn 't . You had a little bowl , like a little schüssel , like a little bowl , and you put a some water in it and you hoped that there was no ice on top of it . Because at night it formed a crust of ice and you brought it up from the pump , you know which you pumped . You sort of took the bowl and washed yourself to the waist and then when you 're through with that , you wash the rest of yourself . E : Yes , but there was no toothpaste . There was an old broken down toothbrush because they don 't last very long . The teeth started decaying and I lost fillings . I once went to a dentist who had a drill which was foot operated , with a foot pedal _ I think her daughter lives in Los Angeles _ she tried to repair it but there wasn 't really much she could do . If I were to visualize now to live four or five years without a shower or bath , it is absolutely inconceivable . But we did . E : Yes , yes , and they carried typhoid . If you wore a sweater , let 's say a week or two weeks , if you turned it inside out the seams , you know the sleeve seams , the should seams , you would see little white spots . And those were the eggs of lice . And we had a lot of trouble , a lot of illness , I had typhoid and typhus . E : Yes , one is intestinal and the other one is carried by lice . Spots . Sort of measly like . I : Would you , let 's talk about the deportation . You have described your meeting Dr . S . , at the station , with his entire family . Including your friend , his daughter . You boarded these cattle cars that were sealed . Could you explain what happened after that ? The trip ? E : The trip was stuffy , it was August , it was hot . There was a bucket on the train but I have vague recollections , whether they let us empty it or not . Here we had this loaf of bread which we couldn 't eat . And we speculated a great deal . Dr . S . was a great optimist and he believed things were going to get better . He was a Zionist and he had a sense of humor . After three or four days the cattle cars came to a stop . It was early in the morning , probably , the watch said probably it was three or four in the morning . It was dark . E : No , we sort of crouched in corners , there wasn 't much room but we sort of crouched together . When the door opened , the first thing we saw was huge spotlights , from the platform onto the train . We saw the SS and the dogs . E : It was four in the morning , three in the morning . A lot of screaming , alot of commands . They hurried us out of the trains . We were barely out when they said to drop the luggage . The suitcase or whatever we had . My friend dropped hers . I did not . One of the SS came towards me , with I don 't know , either a gun or a whip . And she tore it out of my hand and dropped it . I didn 't want to give up my passport and my papers and my birth certificate . You know , I can 't live without it . Almost immediately they separated the men from the women . It took minutes , seconds . We didn 't even say good - bye to Oscar or to Erwin , I mean they were just on the other side . And then they tried to separate the women again . The young ones from the old ones , the children from the … E : Oh yes , you know little children , two , three , four , six , you know , any age . Not a great deal , but some . I remember a man in a striped uniform with a hat , with an armband that read Kapo , standing next to us . And my friend asked him in German , where are we ? He said , Auschwitz . She said , what 's Auschwitz ? And he said , you 've never heard of Auschwitz ? And she said , no . He said , it can 't be . When he asked where do you come from , we said from Lodz . He said , do you know Luba ? Do you know anybody named Luba , I 'm looking for my sister . But I work as sort of a policeman , Kapo , for the Germans . We said , no we don 't know anybody and we left . From that , after that separation , you know the young ones from the old ones , we went into a room , into a barracks . They asked to take off all jewelry , all watches , all clothing . And whoever didn 't took a terrible beating or worse . And there we stood naked , shivering in the heat . , and then the took us to another barracks . Something happened in front of us , we didn 't know quite what . The people in front of us sort of moved , moved ahead . E : No , it wasn 't really a line , it was a line and a line and a line , if was almost like a grouping . When we were in the front line we saw that the Kapos were shaving the hair , all body hair . And if you looked at the women , once the hair was shaven it was just , it was a sight that was so terrible that it really didn 't , at that moment , compare to anything we had seen . You saw those bowling balls with protruding ears and those frightened eyes and it was like , something out of a nightmare . They yanked Ellie out of line and they cut her , she had long black hair , they cut her hair and before I knew it I was next . The SS woman who gave the order to the Kapo , who was essentially a prisoner , to shave my hair , was short and blonde and squat . And fat , the uniform didn 't fit and she wore glasses . I hated her , I don 't think I 've ever hated anybody as much . I don 't know whether she saw or whether she felt , but she slapped me very hard and I just reeled over to one side . After the hair was gone , they pushed us through sort of a swinging door and the top part of the swinging door was glass . And in one second I saw a reflection that was I . Ears , an oval head , and eyes . It was nobody I knew . It was horrifying , that sight . There was some cold showers , we were sort of rushed through them , if you got a drop of water , yes , if you didn 't you didn 't . At the other end an SS woman started laughing and she said , the gas chambers are overworked tonight , or today . We 'll get you tomorrow . There 's plenty of time . We had never heard of gas chambers . We didn 't know what it was . We were thrown a garment at random , just a piece of cloth , whether it was an apron , a dress , just one piece , no underwear , no stockings , nothing . You put that thing on , mine was black and it had sort of a red trim on the top , very strange , very large . It was sort of like cotton . And we were lined up again in groups of five . The fifth in our group , which was my friend Ellie and I , and her mother and her aunt , and the fifth woman was a little woman namThe Kapo in this barracks was a young woman , Jewish , I don 't know whether she was from Hungary or from Poland . She yelled a great deal and she ran around with a reed or stick , and anything in her way she would beat . And she took her orders from the Germans . I : But she was Jewish . E : She was Jewish , yes , but she had a supervisory position . And at night she had a little cubicle at the end of the barracks . And there was a rumor that one of the SS came at night and spent the night with her , every night . But it was a rumor , because the barracks were dark at night , we did not know . In 1946 the rumor turned out to be true , she was in New York with that man . I met her at Altman 's . In the morning they would round us up and we would stand for a spell and they would count us and recount us for hours and hours . It was freezing cold , at five in the morning or whatever , and by noon it was boiling hot , my whole scalp was full of blisters from the sun , the ears . And this went on for a few weeks , maybe two or three weeks I 'm not sure of the exact amount of days , and then we were told , she told us , that tomorrow morning Dr . Mengele will inspect . Procedure is , you take off your dress , you carry it over your left arm , and you walk past that committee of three , Mengele and two others , as fast as you can . And he 'll indicate right or left . So Ellie and I decided that I go first , she follows me . We go very fast , we don 't look right we don 't look left , just almost run . I almost fell but I made it . And he motioned me to one side and Ellie to the same side . I : Did you know what this meant ? E : No . They said selection . We later on found out it was either the hospital or to the gas chamber , or to a work camp . We were then marched to a new barracks , we were given shoes regardless of size , just shoes . And we were given a coat that had a big yellow stripe across the front ; but underneath the stripe , the fabric had been cut away . So if you wanted to run away and take off the yellow stripe , there would be no fabric . Then we were loaded into cattle cars and we were in those cattle cars I think for three or four days , again stop and go , stop and go . It was very hot , it was Indian summer . The top of the cattle cars had a small , small opening , you know with barbed wire . It was so hot we took all our clothing off , we couldn 't stand it . I climbed on Ellie 's back and I looked out and I said Ellie , this looks like the vicinity of Hamburg . She got very angry and she said , sit down , you 're out of your mind . I sat down and we traveled another day or two . We arrived in the evening at a siding and the doors were opened from the outside . The SS who were waiting for us , or the Commandant of this group of SS , said , You are at Konzentrationslage Neuengamme , Arbeitslager Zassel , Stadtet deseraufe , Hamburg . So Ellie looked at me , and she said , well your were right . Do you know anybody here ? Not a soul . E : A couple of weeks . So she said , what good does it do you , what good does it do you if you are here ? What are you going to do with it ? Nothing . It 's the same thing as if you were in Poland . And she was right . We worked for the first three weeks cleaning up shipyards that had been bombed at night by the Americans . And it was hard work . We got a lot of cuts and infections . I had a cut on the left hand and one of the German 's corpsman , medical corpsman , lanced it and said if you scream , heaven help you . So I didn 't scream , I fainted . And then they transferred us to another camp , about twenty miles away . There we worked on construction , temporary housing type things . The treatment was harsh , the beatings were frequent , two people died of beatings . Food was in very short supply . On the second day there , one of the SS came into the barracks and said , " Rumor has it that one person here is from Hamburg . Who ? " So since everybody knew I was the only one , I had no way of hiding . He said , you work in the office , you speak the language , you write the language . What 's your name ? Where did you live ? Where did you go to school ? I worked in the office which was not cold in winter , which was an advantage . But if the SS were in a foul mood or the commandment whose private quarters were adjacent to the office , when he came through we had to stand up . But whenever he was in a foul mood he would beat us . We were running around with bloody bruised legs , with swollen eyes and bruised faces . There was one other young woman who worked in the office . E : Yes . People envied us , our friends envied us , you sit in the office . You 're not out in the cold . We didn 't have more food , we had the same amount of food unless we stole something . That was very risky and very difficult . We did it twice . But , and if we could spare something we gave something away . Ellie got very pale , she coughed a great deal , and she envied me a great deal . She was very angry that I was in the office and she was not . But there was nothing I could do . I couldn 't say , tell the Germans , take her to the office , in fact I didn 't even dare speak to them . When I showed her the bruises she said forget it , that 's nothing . So it 's relative , if you hurt , you hurt differently than the other person . There was one very low ranking SS guard who patrolled the perimeter or rather the entrance of the camp . It had barbed wires and towers , but it only had 500 inmates . One day he called and he said , pick up the rubber shear . I picked it up and he started to talking and he said , I hear you 're from Hamburg . And I said yes . And he said , what was your name ? Who was your father ? He said , I don 't like this duty anymore than you do . I was a Communist before the war . He lived in a very poor section of town , he lived in Altona , and we talked for a little while . Both of us were afraid . I said I have a proposition . You find me a place to hide , you look the other way and get me some food . And I will sign over one of my father 's houses , I am the sole heir , to you . Well he came back the next week and he dropped a box of paper clips and made me pick them up so he could talk . And he said , I checked you out . The houses are there , your father was the owner , and I am very tempted . I am a very poor man , I 'll never be a rich man . He was a lowly civil servant . And this is very tempting . I said , alright , let me know . Well , the weeks passed . We saw him but he didn 't stop , he didn 't talk . And one day he disappeared , he never came back . And then the kommandant came into the office and he yelled , remove Wachmeister We stayed in this camp until the end of March 1945 . Then they suddenly put us in trucks . We got off the trucks and they made us walk . We really didn 't walk very well at that time . I leaned on Ellie , Ellie leaned on Sabina . And we came through a gate _ it looked similar to Auschwitz , watchtowers _ and I looked on the right and the left . There were huge mountains of shoes , just shoes , any color , any size , maybe ten feet tall , mountains of shoes , no feet , no legs , shoes . They counted us into a barracks , somebody got the information that this was Bergen - Belsen . And that night the woman screamed continually , no bunks , and she gave birth to maybe a half pound , a pound , large infant . The infant died immediately . She didn 't even know she was pregnant . In Bergen Belsen there was no water , there was hardly any food . There were open , open , not even ditches , open huge pits with bodies , naked bodies . Most of them were decaying in green . . There was a tremendous amount of typhoid . There was no work to be done , I mean no work details , nothing . We were there approximately I would guess two weeks , give or take . And then one morning we saw the SS on the other side of the wire and they had white armbands n their left sleeve . It didn 't mean much to us . Everything was the same , maybe less food , but they didn 't come into the camp _ they as a rule they didn 't _ and by lunch time we heard enormous noises . And then we saw tanks rolling in the main avenue . That was it . I started working for the English that afternoon . ( crying pause ) E : No . None . Nothing in and nothing out . The British didn 't know . They had no idea what they were finding and they were looking for interpreters because they had trouble with this multitude of languages . I could manage a couple of them , not all of them , but at least for the Hungarian Jews I could speak Yiddish . With the Polish Jews , either Polish or Yiddish . With the Russians , I sort of spoke some Polish or Russian , but they were not Jewish , the Russian prisoners . And they had no idea what they had found . They found people , that night they dispersed food stuffs from the German warehouses and there were two pound cans of pork and fat . And being hungry you open them and you eat ; by the morning you are dead . That 's how we lost Ellie 's mother . Ellie got very sick and she couldn 't even eat , by then she had tuberculosis , she lost a lung in the meantime . And for some reason I had the common sense to ask the major for whom I worked for some biscuits and I didn 't eat the pork . I just ate dry biscuits , the first day the second day , we went from barrack to barrack . And he wanted to talk to the people and to know where they 're from . And half of them couldn 't even talk to them , you know , it was too late . There was a man who had a knife in his hand , he must have weighed almost seventy pounds . And he was slicing away at a corpse and eating the raw flesh . It was unreal . Because you walked around , you could see it , I think the first order was to bring water and food and bury the dead . And to have some hospitals opened . While they made many mistakes , they also did a lot of good . I mean they tried . I worked for them as an interpreter until they had to rush me out of Germany in December 1945 . Sometimes a translator , once I was asked to translate when they had caught a German who never was in the Army , who never was an SS , after much interrogation it turned out he was SS . He was stationed in Oranienburg , and towards the end of the interrogation the major took his gun out of his holster , released the safety and put it inE : Erzassel . And then threats started coming a few weeks later . The English War Crimes division wrote a letter to the American Embassy in Paris and said help her to get out . They drove me and three other young women first to Holland , the Dutch didn 't want to let civilians in out of Germany . So we turned the car around , drove through a riverbed , the Dutch shooting after us , and entered Holland illegally . Then we went to Belgium , same day , and we got to Brussels . And the captain who was in charge , was the captain and the driver of the car , knew some people in Belgium , in Brussels , and we spent the night there . Although the lady did not want to have prisoners in her house so we had to stay in the hallway . The next morning the three girls remained in Brussels and we crossed the French border . The French border was , compared to Holland , Belgium , almost elegant . I had a so called visa from a young officer in Bergen - Belsen , whose name was rather famous , his father used to be a cabinet minister . And he was just a young officer , in the French Army , stationed in Bergen - Belsen . He made out a entry permit for me . And the French , when they saw his name which was Francois P . , they said of course . Not this government , but the government before that , he was also a minister . But I 've never seen him again . We drove as far as Lille . In Lille we parked the car , we were terribly hungry and the three of us went into a small restaurant . And we had a terrible chicken dinner and some wine and an awful dessert that was sticky . And someone in the corner was playing the accordion . Captain A . and I had one foxtrot . I always thought he was very nice but I knew he was engaged to be married so I wasn 't going to waste my time . We went , came outside , and the car was stolen . It was a British Army car with the insignia , everything on it , number , serial number , gone . The little luggage I had was gone . So we walked to the railroad station , he bought a third class ticket for me . To Paris , and he said , when you get to Paris , get to the Jewish youE : My mother had a brother in Israel , there was lots of family at that time . They all had gotten together and made the decisions for me . That didn 't work anymore . I was 21 years old and the decisions were going to be mine . I was not going to be told by aunts and uncles , now you do this , now you do that . So I decided to go to America and my cousin sat on the train with me , all the way to Bordeaux arguing , it didn 't help . I went on a Merchant Marine ship to New York , took twenty two days , and I left him behind . Even back home , the family was very angry . At first they didn 't write but then they changed their mind . They thought I had made a great mistake . But I don 't think I made a mistake . I mean I wouldn 't have minded living in Israel , on the contrary . But what I did mind is being told what to do . That I couldn 't take . I : Did you know who you were supposed to marry , at all ? E : Three days after liberation I asked the major whether he would post a letter over his name . I would write the letter , he would mail it , over his army number , into Palestine . And he did and I had an answer a week later . Because I knew the address , it was important . I : I 'd like to go back a little if I could . When you were working in the office , did you take it upon yourself to memorize … E : No , but if you , not consciously , but if you have a roster of forty names . I also had a roster of five hundred Jewish prisoners . But if you have a roster of forty two names , with addresses , and you keep writing it and rewriting it over a period of six months , it sticks . It was just there , just like you memorize a phone number you use over and over . E : At this point I 'm really not sure of the names . I mean they 're available in the German records . But fifty years , I don 't retain them , I didn 't want to retain them . When he was replaced with the second one , who was a very high ranking Army officer before the war and then turned into SS . So he had an education and he had some , what should I say , some basic background . But he was trained to behave a certain way and he behaved accordingly . And the third one used to be a gardener in Southern Germany , stuck into an SS uniform . He could barely read or write . And he was vicious . He had little brown squinty eyes and he was the nastiest of them all . He was vicious . His son wrote me , that his father had been convicted and so on and so forth , would I please write a letter and intervene . I threw it away . I should have saved these but in those days , you didn 't think that way . I : Did you know anything about the medical experiments that were going on there ? E : I heard about it in Auschwitz , there were rumors . There were rumors about twins and some of the other things , but I didn 't see and I didn 't hear , these were just whispered rumors . I : Neither at Auschwitz or Neuengamme , you didn 't hear anything about these ? E : Yes , yes . Well , if you committed a grave offense , like there was Mrs . Kron and she used to be the wife of one of ghetto police chiefs . So she was not used to any kind of deprivation or any kind of hardship . When she came to the work camp , she couldn 't work fast enough and she couldn 't work fast enough . And she had a fifteen year old daughter . And she was very conspicuous , and the one thing were not to be was conspicuous . She had large feet and her blonde hair of course was gone . She had a very grotesque face that rested on sort of a funny neck and a strange figure _ very uncoordinated . One time she walked out of line , she didn 't keep up the proper speed , and the commandant flew into rage , and she had to kneel in the middle and we had to stand around her . And he beat her mercilessly . There was just nothing left but flesh and bone . Just horrible . E : The same thing . We couldn 't even pick her up . We had to wait , it was a little later , But I don 't think she survived . E : If he was , I wouldn 't have known . Upon departure , in that selection we were told , and by then we knew of him . Since we had to walk past him at a three feet distance you couldn 't miss it . E : Not really . Because all I saw was a uniform . And I made it a point not to look right and not to look left , and he was on my right . And I didn 't look . I had a glance but not to draw you a composite picture , to take to the police station for identification , no . E : Not really , we were aware that the ghetto was being liquidated . The ghetto had 150 , 000 people , give or take , it varied . A transport had probably , roughly , a thousand at a time . So , we knew they would be coming in but we were not mixed together . We got no word from outside , nothing . E : Well first of all I wasn 't in front of them , I was at a distance . So all you could see is like a factory type chimney , sticking up into the sky . And the smoke was black , very smelly and very black . I was close enough away to walk there yet far enough away not to actually see the building , it was obstructed by other buildings . E : I didn 't know , I found out in May . Auschwitz are all brick buildings , more or less prison like . About 5 kilometers from there is a camp that is nothing but barracks , surrounded by wire , the chimneys , and that 's it . But , you know , miles of it , as far as the eye can reach . I : A city ? E : Yes , so they are totally two different entities in terms . I think they housed permanent prisoners , political prisoners , they housed in the stone type buildings . The Jews , which they either destroyed or sent to work camps or they housed in those barracks , which probably had to be built because there were just , millions of them . I : Can you remember your awareness , at what point in time did you become aware what the purpose of this concentration camp was for ? E : A couple of days . And then you only had one choice ; you could either hope , or you could stop caring , or you could walk to the wire and electrocute . Those were the three choices . And most of us just vegetated , we didn 't want to think , we didn 't want to talk , nothing . E : A miracle . We didn 't hope for a God , because there was no God , obviously . But for a miracle , some unreal miracle . I had hoped for a slice of bread or for meeting ( … . ) , I had hoped for a miracle that maybe the English will fall out of the sky or something . I don 't know . E : No . I didn 't even when I was back in Hamburg , back in the camp . I had no idea how close it was . I didn 't know that Holland and Belgium had been liberated . I didn 't know that Poland had been liberated . See people , I once was at a camp that mainly housed men , I was taken along to do some translating . I was sitting on the back of a truck , tied to the rails . And there was a young man scrubbing the floor and he was in uniform . He looked horrible . I was actually in Neuengamme and he talked to me in a language I couldn 't identify . He couldn 't understand me . He smiled , he had no teeth . He kept saying , " Krieg kaput . " War finished . I 'd heard that for five years , I wasn 't about to believe that one . The SS who saw him , you know fairly close scrubbing the floor , hit him and pushed him away and scolded him in vile language to bring clean water and to scrub better . He took the bucket and he came back , I hoped he would come back , ten minutes later with clean water . In his hand was a little ball of brown paper and he sort of gave it a push next to my foot . And I watched and watched , I looked right and left . He smiled and I smiled . When I thought I was safe I picked up the little piece of paper , stuck it in my pocket . And later on I found out it was dry bread that had been half eaten and crumbled . I : And this was in Neuengamme ? E : We made it a point to stay together . In fact at one point when we had numbers and names , they said to line up alphabetically . Her name started with an S . So I just changed mine to an S and she was very upset with me . She said , what if they ask ? Well , I 'll just say I married your brother someplace and joined the line . I knew there were no records to really prove it . It was still a chance I took . And that way we stayed together . E : Eighty three ? It could be , no 83 , it could have been ' 93 . No ' 83 , definitely not . He was about the age of my father , give or take , he was in his fifties . No , he wasn 't that old . E : Yes , she was , she was , she became a very nervous woman , a very angry woman . Very difficult . And she could have lived . She could have lived . E : If she hadn 't eaten the three pounds of pork and lard , she would have made it another three , four days , and would have gotten some other food . She could have made it . But whatever somebody couldn 't eat , she still took and ate . Not only her own ration but everybody else 's too . That , she just couldn 't do it . E : No , there was no point to it . It was too late . We could have all lived had we left , we could have all left at a given time . We didn 't . E : No , the past was very far away , very distant . There was no point wasting energy on it . It would not come back , it would never be back , it was . I : Did you know that ? Did you make a conscious decision ? E : I knew that . Yes . I didn 't know whether there would be a tomorrow or a future , but I knew the past was gone . There was no retrieving it . I : What do you think sustained you ? E : I had a classmate who went to high school with me and left for England in ' 39 . And who stayed at our house prior to leaving . And she helped me . Her family took me in for two weeks . And she got me a job in a factory sewing gloves , which I hated . And I found a furnished room . E : No , in Sunnyside , in Queens . I made thirty dollars a week and I paid $ 5 on taxes , $ 8 on rent , the rest on clothing . Very little on food . The rest on clothing . I could live on a candy bar but I needed clothing desperately . I : I want to go back , just for a second , to the day of liberation . It 's been written that the British soldiers had no idea . Did the other women around you , did they believe it ? When did you know it was for real ? E : Nobody believed it . First of all they didn 't let us out of the camp . They came in through the gate and they asked somebody to please speak English to them . There were several of us who could . And then they asked questions and then they told us that the Germans are gone , finished . And then it sort of sank in . But it wasn 't sort of a screaming , jubilant occasion . It wasn 't . It was subdued . E : Sort of . I had two badly damaged kidneys . I was fighting , at the date of liberation , typhus . I : Was that from dehydration ? E : No , I don 't think so . I had kidney trouble already in the ghetto . I don 't know what it 's from . It 's from the war , but not exactly what caused it . I was on my feet , but that 's about all you could say . My brain was working , my body was not functioning . And I had a terrible , terrible trouble with what you , I don 't know what you call it in English , the skin infections that go into huge boils that you have to lance . They are caused in wars and from malnutrition . You get them all over , on your neck and on your head and your legs . It 's very painful and very , they leave horrible scars . These are the things , compared to others , I was pretty much okay . You know , it 's relative . E : I learned English in the third or fourth grade . I was really poor at it . The English teacher who was " English " English called my parents to school and said , that kid is hopeless , get her a tutor . Three times a week privately and they did . After a year I was straight A in English , no trouble at all , I just had trouble catching up . E : Well I went to school until ' 41 and I used my English . I also had French and Latin , but not as much as English . And once I had occasion in ' 45 , I just decided to talk , it was more English than American . I 'm great at improvising . If I miss a word , I 'll talk around it , in any language , whether it 's Polish or Hebrew or whatever it is , I 'll talk around it . E : I could have gone earlier . I thought I would get papers directly to Bergen - Belsen , get out of there , I didn 't realize that you , there really was no way of getting out of there . Because nothing went out of Germany . But I was waiting for my family to do something , I had two cousins in the army , so I assumed that somebody would take some action . They took me out in December , November , December ' 45 , mainly because they were afraid somebody would kill me . E : Not far from Bergen Belsen was some permanent army housing . Brick type housing , it was sort of like you would imagine a college dormitory . Individual rooms , then a huge bathroom at the end , and no kitchens . And they relocated us into that particular building . One of those buildings , there were hundreds of them . E : Yes , they did have hot water . They had toilets , but down the hall . And they put about six or eight people in one room . E : No , it was clean . It was very clean . There was food , not necessarily the food you wanted to eat , but very starchy food . You had freedom . If you had a pass you could get out of camp , which I did . I made friends with several English , men and women , in the English Army . I : How quickly did you regain your strength and health ? E : My health I didn 't regain for about fifteen years . Needed a lot of work , including my teeth . Strength , superficially , was back within a few months . I was bloated , I was about 150 pounds . I : This was water . E : You know , the kidneys didn 't function , the food wasn 't right . But I did what I wanted to do , I worked . I did not want to go to doctors or to a hospital . And I guess on a scale of one to ten , I probably came out six or seven or eight , or something like that . E : Because there was this old fear , still from the ghetto , if you were in the hospital you were deported or something bad would happen . We could not imagine that a British Army hospital would be just what it was , a hospital . We thought , you know maybe they 'll stack you up , one on top of the other , and you 'll just vegetate . So there was a great deal of mistrust there . E : No , I was very trusting . This was a country without prejudice , without discrimination , the country of the free , I trusted everybody . I : And is that true , did you find that ? E : No . I went for on a job interview in Manhattan and I found out a Jew couldn 't get a job , not in that particular office . So I was just devastated , I had not expected that . E : No , not at that point . No , the family was too old fashioned , too European . Too strong , both in numbers and opinions , and I really did not want to do battle . I : You mentioned how they had all arranged everything for you . And you said you weren 't going to do that . How much of that came from the fact you were twenty one ? E : I 'd lived on my own for five years . I 'd been through hell and back . While they were well meaning and kind people , I could not have somebody control me to that extent . I been controlled for too long . I couldn 't . I : So you were living in New York and you were working in a factory . And then what ? E : Somebody invited me for dinner and he was there . When he heard my name he said , you were in the ghetto . Because somebody told him . I said yes . And he said , did you meet the ( E . 's ) ? And I said , yes , I knew them very well . One day we walked from Riga Park to Woodside , takes about four hours , and I told him the story . Just once , not a second time . We went out a great deal , we went to concerts . Then he said , go to school , learn to type . And I went to school and learned to type . And I took some college courses at Hunters College at night . But I still couldn 't type , I couldn 't learn to type . I can still type , a hundred words a minute with four fingers . Then I got a job at an office , downtown Manhattan , they just wanted to sure I knew English . I said , I 'll outspell you anytime . I talked to the president of the company that used to make those electric trains , Lionel , that used to whistle , probably your father played with them . I worked there and they had a great many Jews in the office , practically all Jews , the president was Jewish . I became very friendly with the office manager and she said , learn the dictaphone . So I learned the dictaphone . And I had a very good job until 1949 , when a friend of my husband 's came from California to New York and said , come to San Francisco . I have a small factory . You work for me . So we packed up the car , we sold the two room apartment , and we moved to California . E : Forty - nine , at the end of 1949 , and we moved to California . In California , I worked for Westinghouse , and then I had the children and I worked only a little bit , part time . Then I went back to school , California College of Arts and Crafts . I did a lot of painting , a lot of artistry , I loved it . And when the kids were old enough to be to three o ' clock in school , I went to Golden Gate College and got an insurance license and credentials and I got a job . I worked at that job , no between two jobs , for twenty years . And I retired in ' 85 , ' 86 . E : He was a businessman , he was in marketing . He had gone to school and studied economics at the University of Brussels . Then he made the mistake and he went back to Germany . He was arrested and the family got him out with a forged visa to Cuba . And he was on one of the three boats , one was turned back , the Voyage of the Damned , well he was on the one that landed the week before . He was a farmer in Cuba for two years and then he came to New York and he was drafted right away . He was four years in the Army , overseas , in intelligence , because he speaks six languages so he was in intelligence . E : When they took off for college , I told them where I was and when I was there . But no details . I : Have they ever heard ? E : They 've read them . The ones I 've got on paper , they 've read them . And they really don 't , what should I say , they can 't cope really with the past . The younger one was on a bike trip in Germany when he was in graduate school , and he was in Munich . And the leader took him to Dachau . I said , did you find your grandfather 's name ? He said , yes , but he wouldn 't talk . The older one has been to Germany three times . Once to Berlin , once to Kiel , and once I think to Constance on conferences , he 's an economist . And he said , I can 't relate to those people . They have to speak English because the language in economics is English , the only language that is spoken . He says I can 't cope with them , they obviously know I 'm a Jew by that name , but nobody would dare and say something . And he goes in and out , a day , two days , out . E : It was neither harder nor easier . It was painful . The cemetery was painful . The ghetto was painful . The Jewish community , or what exists of it , of the temples , of the synagogues , was pitiful . It was so … . it was not even a remnant . The poverty among the Jews is painful . Anti - semitism is well and alive . E : Yes , yes , this was one of the reasons my father said that Germany or France are much more civilized . And they don 't have the pogroms that we have . I want my kids to grow up there . They happened to be wrong but it was a good idea . E : My mother did , once , when I was quite young told me . She was the youngest of eight children . She was very beautiful , smart , black hair , brown eyes , white skin , and there was a warning in town . The Cossacks are coming or there 's going to be a pogrom . So grandmother hid that youngest child , the youngest daughter , I guess the other one was hidden someplace else , I don 't know . They hid the little one , must have been seven , in the kitchen stove , in the old fashioned kitchen stove . She told me that story . Now I couldn 't imagine what a pogrom was . I also didn 't know what Cossacks were . I also didn 't know what it means to kill Jews . I listened to this and then I said to my mother , it must have been summer . And she said why ? You couldn 't have hid in the stove otherwise . So I had no concept , none . That came much later . I didn 't know about killing or persecuting . E : In a way it was frightening , because you were exposed to it on a day to day basis . The kids were harassed very much in streetcars , on street corners , yet it probably wasn 't as frightening to me until 1939 as to some others . Because I still hid behind this foreign national . It gave you a false security , it gave you some larger food rations . But we were very aware of what was going on . We did not wear a star until Poland lost the war . The other Jews did , we did not have to . So it was a , you were just fooling yourself , you were kidding yourself . I : Were you subject to all the laws that the German Jews were subject to ? I : And , I believe it was in 1939 , all of the Jews in Germany had to change their names to Sara and Israel . E : No , no , that did not apply to us either , because we did not have German papers . So , but the moment Poland lost the war in September 1939 , you know , it was no difference , it was the same story . A Jew was a Jew . E : We had an influx , gradually , of Jewish children . The later it got , you know it started in ' 34 , ' 33 , the later it got the small towns , the small I wouldn 't even say villages , small towns , very small towns , they had to take the children out immediately , you know if they had four or five Jewish kids . The bigger towns , medium sized towns , took a little longer . But eventually all kids had to get out of non - Jewish schools . They were either with their parents or without their parents , shipped into the larger cities to attend Jewish schools . E : There were very few of us in ' 41 and shortly thereafter there was a law passed that the schools had to be closed permanently . So between that time and between the time they had deported all the Jews , the kids had no education whatsoever . No school . E : No , we only talked about going someplace . Going to Palestine , going to Bolivia , even going to Madagascar . It was just a matter of going someplace , wherever a door would be open . That was all that mattered and the children were excited by it , it 's exciting to go on a trip , to go someplace . I : I 'm going to jump ahead for a second . There 's something you mentioned , as an aside , the woman who was the Kapo at Auschwitz . You said you ran into her at Altman 's . E : Yes , I was at Altman 's , let 's see it must have been 1947 , in New York . And it was cold , it was fall . I needed a pair of gloves that did , from California you don 't take gloves . And I went into Altman 's on Fifth Avenue , I was alone I didn 't go with friends . I went to the glove counter to get tied on gloves . And I couldn 't decide whether to get red ones or black ones . There was a lady next to me , much taller than I , very black hair , even , naturally died and sort of cut almost like a man 's cut . Very short . Very striking . Well dressed . She was trying on gloves and she smiled . And I don 't know why or what but I turned and I looked at her . And she looked at me . And I said , Maya . That wasn 't a question , it was a statement . And she said , yes , how do you know ? I said , Auschwitz . And she turned white . She said , oh I can explain , I had to , it was really bad , and I didn 't kill anybody . She just beat us , she didn 't kill us . And it just sort of burst out of her , that she really wasn 't bad . E : No , in English , we spoke in English . And I said , what about the SS that came at night to visit you ? She didn 't deny it . When I looked at her hands and she wore a wedding band . I said , you 're married ? She said , Yes . I said , whom did you marry ? I 'm not normally that fresh or that nosy . And she didn 't answer . She didn 't answer . I said , not the SS ? And she said , yes . He followed me from camp to camp , in occupied Germany , I couldn 't get rid of him , he even followed me to New York . And then I decided , that there was no point running away from him , he 's really quite a decent sort . And we both have our past . I looked at her and I said , do you have children ? She said , no . I said , I pity them . I hope you never have them . And I turned and I walked . E : Oh , the rest of the day . My girlfriend , I went back to my boyfriend 's house in Manhattan , and she said , what 's the matter with you ? I said , I just saw a nightmare walking through in Altman 's . She said , put it out of your mind . It won 't help . You can call up the FBI and report them if you want them . And I said no . E : A Jew is a Jew . To point a finger at another Jews is very hard for me . Some of us are guilty , some of us are very guilty . Some of us are clean , some of us are not so clean . I got off that train , maybe somebody would have went in my place ? I don 't know . I couldn 't point a finger at another Jew . I might detest them , I might not like them , but unless he really killed another human being , I would not point a finger . I can 't . E : Well he drew up some lists for deportations , they came out of his office . He was very arrogant . He was very unpleasant . Very unsympathetic . And you don 't open a door for a sixteen year old and yell like a German . You just don 't do that . He was born in Hannover , he went to school in Hannover until he was about 18 , and then he was pushed over the border in ' 38 to Poland . And he just thought the world was his . And it turned out this way . His wife lived next door to us in the ghetto , she was married to a policeman . She divorced him . She married him . He came to New York , he changed his name . I : Do you know what his name was ? E : In the ghetto ? That 's a matter of record . Bernard F . . His sister was Dora F . . That 's in the books . That 's in the record . He came to New York , he has a very good job as an importer , an exporter , I 'm not sure . He lives out in a very affluent neighborhood . He has two children . He stays away from the Jewish community . He does not give interviews and if he does , his wife runs interference . She is a lot smarter than he is . I : Is wife a survivor ? E : Oh yes , she knew , she married him in the ghetto . It was practical to marry him . I mean , he had all the worldly needs that you needed at that time . Food and housing and clothing . She was very well off . E : Oh yes , Lucjan D . set up an interview with him and he came . The moment he asked the question and F . started to answer , his wife ran interference to the point that you couldn 't even talk . So Lucjan gave up and he 's pretty determined . E : Dora died . She married one of the ( J . ) brothers , the younger one , who also was ghetto administration , and she died after the war . Probably New York , I 'm not entirely sure . But she was nasty , she was very sure of herself , very good looking , she could not stand another woman in her presence . Once when I applied for a job in the offices because I spoke German , she couldn 't get me out there fast enough . She was not pleasant . But she was smart , she had a brain . I : What was her job in the ghetto ? E : She was not a raving beauty . She was good looking , but nothing exceptional . No , I don 't think so . I just think she was very very bright , very smart , and she had the ability to juggle the two languages that were needed at that point . And she was at the ghetto at the start . When it was first founded , whatever you want to call it . E : No , none . There were two , three instances that you might construe as help . My father had a lawyer , who took care of the real estate and things of that sort . When they blocked our account and gave us $ 100 a month to live on , whatever it was , he would sort of put in a bill for a plumber or something , to smuggle some money out for us . It was our money , but we couldn 't get it . That was the sum total of help we got from him . The man who packed our belongings and shipped them in huge , huge crates , sort of containers , to Israel , to Palestine , I wrote him a postcard from the ghetto . We left him also some money to set a stone on my father 's grave or the ashes or whatever it is . And he sent twenty marks to the ghetto . After the war , when I was in New York , he reminded me of it . And I sent more than twenty dollars worth of food to him . And when we worked in the shipyards , cleaning up , and I had this enormous infection on the left hand . The man who ran the canteen used to have a shop not far from the area where my father had the wine cellars . He said he remembered , I don 't know , it was a working class neighborhood , it was not a residential neighborhood _ on the first of May you saw red flags only , not a national flag , until Hitler of course _ he said he remembered my father . My father once gave him a bottle of wine , I 'm not sure . He took me into the kitchen for three days and he made me eat everything that I could just possibly swallow . Which was difficult because you couldn 't eat . He didn 't let me take anything out , because it was dangerous . And he gave me an old , torn leather jacket . I never saw him again , I don 't have his name . I think these are the only instances that I could tell you that even remotely resembled help . E : There was , in return for favors . The camp at Sasel had a Jewish camp leader , she was the head of the Jewish group . She had one of the corporals of the SS from another camp come every week to visit and bring food . But she paid for it in return . I : How did she pay ? E : They locked themselves up in some storage room . Sex . They were occasionally some people , when we marched , that would drop an apple or something . E : Probably . Probably . But the Germans are not known for courage , danger or no danger , that is not their strong point . There was , I would say , I can 't say there was no compassion at all , but there was so little it was pitiful . I : At the end of the war , I think , were you embittered ? E : I was angry , I was terribly angry . E : I worked for the English , and let them tell me when to be angry and not to be angry . That was easier . I was angry , I was terribly impatient . I walked into the police headquarters in Hamburg and asked them for a duplicate of a birth certificate . That 's city hall ; they said come back tomorrow . I said , you 're out of your mind . Not only do I want it today , I want it now . I give you five minutes . Luckily I didn 't go alone , I went with an officer . I said , slam the gun on the table . And he did and I had my birth certificate . I : You had a chance to work out some of your anger ? E : Some of my anger I worked . I still don 't like the Germans . I see them in an elevator in France , or I see them in Italy in a restaurant , in their noisy , ugly way , and I still don 't like them . Especially my generation . E : I did go for two days . Because my son was in Paris and he said , I want to see . So he came in , he lasted one day , I didn 't last that long , and we flew out into Paris . I couldn 't . I couldn 't . I couldn 't stomach the people , the places I could cope with . I could not cope with today 's bureaucracy . I could also not cope with Hamburg 's Jews . I went to the synagogue and I could not cope with them . They are , they 're different . there a lot of Iranian Jews there , some German Jews . On a national basis , they 're assimilated . Not on a religious basis . They have made their peace . I don 't know whether they have ever heard about not forgetting . I 'm not talking about forgiving , this is unforgivable , but about not forgetting . The girl who worked in the office with me in the camps lived for thirty years in Hamburg . She married a Jewish boy from Poland , she lived in Hamburg , and had a child there . There is something wrong with the people . When they picked us up at the airport , they picked us up with the Secret Service . Now I wanted to know whether I needed to be protected from the Germans or the Germans from me . That never was quite clear . But I do not like a guard , I don 't like a guard anyplace , I take my chances . The hotel was sort of a Holiday Inn type hotel . I figure if you invite somebody , you either put them up at the Fairmont or not at all . The mayor of the city is the brother of the conductor of the ( V . ) . He was the conductor , a well known conductor . He 's well educated , his father was a German officer . He was killed in the overthrow attempt at Hitler . But he did not put in an appearance . Jews were not important enough . His substitute made a statement to the effect that the past is past , and what happened happened , and we can only sincerely trust that it won 't repeat itself . I found that unacceptable and I said so right then and there . I made more enemies than I made friends , in one day . I : You stood up ? After he spoke ? E : Yes , I stood up afterwards . I refused to be filmed . Whenever the newsreel came near , I turned my back , I did not want to be on television . I sat between two gentlemen at the luncheon . Not that I could eat , I couldn 't . One of them was a friend of Adenauer , he was instrumental in the peace treaty , or the financial arrangements between Germany and Israel . He knew Ben Gurion , he knew everybody , anybody worth while knowing . He must have been in his seventies . He also went to school with a friend of mine in Berkeley . And he threw names around rather liberally . He died a couple of years ago . My question to him was , what did you do from 1933 to 1945 . And he didn 't want to answer and I didn 't let go . He said , I sold sewing machines . And I said , and that from a Social Democrat or a Communist in your youth ? Do you find that acceptable , I find that totally unacceptable . So that killed the conversation on the right side . On the left side was a young man , and he was in city government , a councilmen or something like that . His claim to fame was that his father was a high ranking officer and he now married his Jewish girlfriend . He was probably fortyish , probably ten years younger than I was at the time , maybe a little older . He lived in the suburb where one of the camps was . He was aware of it . He sent me a brochure that the teachers of the local high school had put together , from the interviewing they had done of the local population . It was full of errors , full of flaws , even the diagram of the camp was flawed . I made corrections and I sent them back and I said , if somebody does research , why don 't they talk to some Jews instead of some Germans ? I never heard from them again . E : No , no , they did the best they knew how to do . There is no feeling of any kind of resentment . The Germans , I try to keep an open mind towards the young ones although it 's difficult to do . I 've met four of them recently in Berkeley . And the lack of knowledge and the lack of reading they have done on this subject is appalling . The older ones , there is no forgiving , no forgetting , not for me . But I don 't hate , you can 't live a life and keep on hating . But no forgiving , no forgetting . E : I think it ceased the moment I hit New York . I got away from " them " , in quotation marks . And there was no time . I was just too busy , to adjust , to work , to learn , to you know there was no time . To be either angry or anything else . E : Ellie lives in a kibbutz in Israel . Ellie has no recollection of the past . If you ask her , do you remember our friend , such and such , or do you remember the street going this way ? Her answer is no , nothing . But I think it 's a defense mechanism , I think she doesn 't want to . Because once in a while something slips inadvertently . Ellie 's brother in England who defected from Prague after the war , he remembers . But he was very shallow , very fun loving , was a cute kid . He 's still the same Erwin . We see each other we say hello for old time 's sakes but there 's no , no substance . We have nothing in common . E : Well , we saw him ten times . We went to Israel for the first time in ' 63 , with the children . He wrote to me in Yiddish , I wrote back in English . He wrote about once a month . We phone about twice , three times a year . The last time in January , I think it was , for his birthday . We also have different memories . Some of the things he remembers I don 't and vice versa . He swears that he took me to the shoes factory in the ghetto . And he got me a pair of shoes . I swear equally much that I never got a pair of shoes . He also swears that he got to Auschwitz in October or November of ' 44 and he saw me in a rag , pushing a wagon . I never pushed a wagon in Auschwitz and I wasn 't there in November of ' 44 . So the mind after fifty years is strange . We decided when I was there April a year ago , that we 'll let it rest . I believe what I believe , he believes what he believes . E : No . She was killed in Mauthausen . He remarried a school teacher after the war , very nice woman , but she has Alzheimer 's , she is very sick . We were there with them April a year ago , we took a walk in the garden . And he said something and he used to speak in a very low voice . I said , say it louder or walk on my right side , not on my left side . And he said , you still don 't hear ? I said , no , I still don 't hear . Couldn 't they fix it ? I said , No , they couldn 't fix it . But he said , what actually happened ? You were at the Gestapo and the beat you . Why did they beat you ? I said I was denounced . And he said , denounced ? For what ? I said , a radio , I never had a radio , who would do such a thing . And I looked at him a long time and I said , either I tell him now or I never tell him , I 'll go with it to my grave . And I said , Ana , which was his first wife . He said , she did ? I said , yes . And he looked at me for a long time and he said , she could do things like that . But I ask you for a favor . Forgive her . I didn 't answer . Because she 's dead . Whether I forgive her or not is immaterial to her and to me , maybe I should . I don 't know . E : Just to tell . The stories are all pretty much alike yet they 're all different . Just to tell them one more story , I think . I don 't write it for my kids , certainly not for my husband . I : Will your children read it ? E : Yes , one of them in fact corrected one chapter . At least he attempted , it 's not his field , but he attempted and we disagreed but it was an interesting experiment . I 've given some chapters to some people whose opinion I would value . Such as Elie Wiesel , ( Lucien D . , Cynthia O . ) and the reaction has been very good . So I hope . I also have a friend who is a professor of creative writing and literature . And she does some editing which helps a great deal . Not the content , just the mechanical parts . So maybe , I don 't know , we 'll see . I : Well , I think that should do it . I think if your book is anything like your interview , it will be a wonderful book and a great addition to literature . Thank you . 2 . This is my sister , Karin , in 1936 , her first school day in Hamburg , Germany . 6 years old . On the first school day European custom is when you 're picked up from school , you get your picture taken and a huge tube full of sweets to make it a sweet school year . 4 . This is 1926 , with my parents in Poland . It is not at the beach , sand and bucket in photographers studio . About a year old . 6 . This is my father in 1939 in Hamburg just before the outbreak of the war . Old ? Born in ' 92 , so he was 47 years old . |
Amber Johnson looked down at her watch , and sat fidgeting at the table where she was waiting for her blind date . He wasn 't really someone she didn 't know , but rather she had met him in a chat room . The restaurant was very public , but she was nervous because she had never done anything like this before . " In news closer to home , the two college students from Indiana State University , twenty year old Michelle Cobb , and nineteen year old Sarah Jacobs , are continued to be missing . " The pictures of the two women were shown , Michelle , had Blonde hair and blue eyes . Sarah had auburn hair and green eyes . At nineteen , Amber was very pretty . Five foot five , brown hair , blue eyes . She weighed a hundred and fifteen pounds , and her breast size was thirty - two " B 's " . She had worn what he asked her to wear , but it was the first time she had ever wore anything like it out in public . Knowing that people couldn 't see it , didn 't help her nerves any , she knew that some people would probably hear the crinkle that came from under her skirt that she wore . Amber hoped not . If it got out that she was wearing a diaper , she would be ruined . She had known that she was an Adult Baby , since she was thirteen . Her mother was babysitting the next - door neighbors two year old , and she watched her intently , with a little jealousy . Little Megan sat on the floor in just a diaper , and played with her dollies , like it nothing for her to wear just a diaper and let people watch her . Amber was fascinated . While her mom was busy , she took one of the disposables , and walked to the bathroom as fast as she could . Shutting the door , she felt as nervous as she did now . Looking at the diaper , she felt the excitement rise within her . She wanted the diaper to incase her , but she didn 't know why . She wanted to feel like the girl in the living room , but she knew that was impossible . " You 're crazy ! Girls my age don 't wear these ! For Gosh sakes , I 've had my period for two years ! You 're a big girl ! " Amber threw the diaper on top of the hamper , and started to pull back on her panties , but her eyes kept being drawn to the plastic covered garment . Her mind told her that she should wear it , and her wanting to have to feeling of the soft cottony fiber as it touched her skin down on her crouch was starting to become overwhelming . She didn 't understand where these feelings were coming from , but she knew that she had to wear it . Grabbing the diaper from the hamper , she laid down on the floor . Opening it , she heard the soft crinkle , and her mind exploded in ecstasy . She found that she wanted it on more then anything and that when it was on , she knew that she would be in heaven . She brought her bottom up , slid the diaper under her , and laid back down on it . The touch of the diaper on her butt was a joyous emotion , and she brought the front up to cover her vagina . She was having an orgasm , and she knew immediately that diapers were going to be a part of her life forever more . Taping the right side then the left , it was a snug fit , but it was on . She could feel the thick padding rubbing against her bottom , and stood up to admire it in the full - length mirror . Looking in it , she saw that she was rubbing the front of her diaper . She knew that she could think of the diaper as hers now , because she was wearing it , and that made it hers . Her bladder was full , she wanted to hold it in just to get a feeling of how the diaper felt when it was dry , but knew that when she let the urine go , she would have another orgasm , and that would be all right . Giggling , she smiled , and closed her eyes while touching the soft plastic covering . The door to the bathroom opened , and she let out a scream . She turned and saw her mother standing there . Her bladder let loose , and she flooded her diaper , with her mouth wide opened in shock . Amber stood there , scared to death of what was going to happen next , she trembled , feeling the wet diaper between her legs , and she exploded into another orgasm . She thought to herself , ' This wasn 't the way it was supposed to be . I 'm a big girl , not a baby ! ' , but the wanting to be a baby again filled her heart with glee , and fear . Looking in the mirror she saw that she looked like a baby in the diaper , and she was afraid that maybe she was turning back into a little girl . For all she knew she would be sitting on the floor next to Megan wearing nothing but a diaper , and playing dolls with the other baby . The idea rather excited her . In her mind , she could see her full brown hair in ponytails , in a diaper , and drinking from a bottle . She was afraid to say it aloud , but she thought that she would enjoy that . " So I decided that you 're going to be my baby again . You will wear diapers all the time , until I think you 're ready to rejoin the big girl world . When you 're thirsty , you 'll be drinking from a baby bottle , eating in a high chair , playing on the floor with your dolls . I will dress you , change your diaper , and you will use them as they were intended . The bathroom is off limits to you unless I 'm giving you a bath . " Amber 's eyes widened in horror , she only thought of it as a fantasy , but her mother was going to make it a reality , and that scared her . What if someone she knew came over , would her mom try to embarrass her by bringing her or him in ? She suddenly found that she didn 't want to be a baby , or have anything to do with being a baby . She wanted to be a big girl , with all the rights and privileges that went with it . Amber felt the tears well up in her eyes , and croaked out a small , " Yes Mommy . " She knew that for a while she was going to be treated like a baby , and that she could not resist . The longer she resisted , the longer she would be a baby . " Amber , you should have thought about that before you put on that diaper . You 're wearing a diaper , and only babies wear them , so I guess that makes you a baby . " Her mom stated , " I know that you probably were just curious , but that in no way makes what you did okay . Therefore , for a while you 're going to be the same age as Megan . Two years old , and you 'll have a playmate . You and she will be such good friends . Sitting on the floor , in just your diapers , I think you 'll have fun . " She laughed . Amber lay down on the floor while her mother bent down and changed the awful wet diaper that she wore . She felt the embarrassment as her mother looked at the pubes she had developed and stated , " Little girls don 't have hair down there so I just think I 'll have to take care of that . " She was speaking in a mommy to baby tone , and that had scared Amber worse then knowing she was going to have to be a baby for a while . Her mom had kept her as a baby for a whole week , luckily , she didn 't have to go out anywhere , and none of her friends found out that she had been a baby that week . For that week , she wore just diapers and a t - shirt , and she had used the diapers for what they were intended . She hated herself all week . Amber had sworn to herself that she would never ever wear a diaper again , but that was before her mother had died when she was seventeen . She had always had that feeling in the back of her mind while she was growing up , and sometimes they were tremendous . She had a hard time controlling her urges , but somehow always managed to keep them in check . Her mom had never caught her in a diaper again , but she thought her mother knew that the thought of them were always present in her daughters mind . Her mom had died in a car accident , while she was at school , and she had cried . She loved her mother even though she had done that to her , but she had understood why she did it . She wanted her daughter to be as normal as possible , but that was impossible now . Amber had studied , what they had called " Infantilism " on the computer , and knew that is what she was . An adult baby . She was left the house and everything , and she lived comfortably . The day after they had buried her mother , she went out and bought some depends , and wore them around the house . She had stayed in them for about 24 hours and she loved the feeling of them . She felt liberated . As if the whole world lifted all the cares that she had off her shoulders . She got online and ordered adult baby things like , footie pajamas , adult baby bottles , she found some cute dresses that looked extremely babyish , and some black patent leather Mary Jane 's to complete the ensemble . She started going to chat rooms where the theme was adult babies , and she was welcomed there . They told her that girls weren 't into the fetish like guys were , and for the most part , she found out that they were right . When she first got into wanting to wear diapers , she thought she was a freak , but now looking at the others in the chat room , she knew she was only a small part of others who liked wearing diapers . What she didn 't understand was why there weren 't as many girls as there were boys there . She thought that it was probably that there were a lot more girls into it , but girls in general were more private then boys when it came to there sexual fantasies , and that they didn 't like the boys hitting on them in a chat room . She had had several guys wanting to meet and have a sexual encounter , but the only guy that was in there that she had any desire to meet was a guy that came to her rescue when she was being bombarded by a guy that would not simply take " No " for an answer . The guys nick on the chat was Daddy Dan , and he lived in Terre Haute . The closest city to Amber 's house . She couldn 't believe that there were two people in the same state that were into a fetish like this . However , she was glad that he was there and she started to immediately like him . When she got online , she wore only a diaper and a pink top so that she wouldn 't show off her assets . She enjoyed feeling like a baby while chatting with boys in the room . Most of the boys were babies too , but there were a fair amount of daddies in there too . She had only been caught once in a diaper by a guy . His name was Troy Reamer , and he had never said anything to anyone . It was a few months after her mother had died , and she went out with him , and he wanted a blowjob , and she was willing . He was the first guy to ever ask something like that of her , and she wondered what it would be like . She had always wanted to do that , but was afraid to approach a guy with the proposition . On that night , she felt truly venerable , and she put the diaper on for confidence . When he asked she immediately went down and right there in the front seat of his car , she went to work on his stiffy . He tightened up , as she kissed it , and she could see that he was ready to blow his wad . She loved it , as she squeezed his little man . He had started to put his hand up her skirt , as he was getting ready to spasm , and when he shot off into her mouth , he reached the plastic covering of her diaper . She didn 't realize that he had touched her diaper , and she licked all the wood sauce off his pecker . She looked up at him what a question in her eyes , and realized that he had just found that she was in a diaper . He was stunned . She said the first thing that she could think of , " I have lost bladder control , so I have to wear these hateful things . I 'm sorry if I didn 't let you know about them , but they really are an embarrassment for me ! " She knew that she had manipulated him , and that he would never tell anyone about her diapers . He took her home , and she had never heard from him again . Daddy Dan was always there and she wanted to meet him . She had felt that if he was the right one , then she could be a baby for him at any time . She knew that he was kind , and funny , and she found herself wanting him more then she would care to admit to herself . She had seen a picture of him , and had talked to him on the phone . He sounded to be a man with principles and a man with great love in his heart . He seemed to be the man of her dreams . Amber thought that this was a man that would let her wear her diapers whenever she wanted . He had introduced her to Tranquility ATN diapers , and they felt right to her . She loved the feeling of the thickness between her legs and it made her feel even more babyish . Everything that he had done had made her feel like it was for her that he was doing it . She knew she was falling in love with a guy she had never seen in person before . He had waited for a year before he had asked her to meet him at a restaurant , and she had accepted without so much as an afterthought . He had asked her to wear a diaper under her clothes , and she readily agreed . She knew what he had on his mind . He wanted what all boys wanted . They were born out of a pussy , and they spent their whole lives trying to get back in . She was willing to let him have her . In her minds eye , she could see him taking her diaper off , fucking her , then putting one back on her . She knew that she would enjoy that , and as a thank you , she would suck him off , and he would blow his wad into her mouth , and she would love that . Being a baby was fun , but being a big girl also had it 's advantages . " Hello Amber . " She heard someone say , bringing her out of her deep thought . She looked up , and saw that it was Dan . He was even more handsome in person then what his picture had shown . He stood about six foot , and had to at least weigh a hundred and seventy - five pounds . His jet - black hair was cut in a block style , and his green eyes were piercing . He had two cute dimples when he smiled , and she knew right then that she was in love . Amber blushed , giggled like a little girl , and nodded her head . In his presence she found that she could easily be a baby , that he had a certain commanding charm about him , that would make her feel little at his whim . She had a feeling that she was going to be his baby , and that he would take good care of her . She thought that being his baby girl would make the world right . She would have her place in the world and would finally be happy . Her mind flashed to her mother , and then back . She didn 't want to remember that , she wanted to go forward with her life , and with a man to make her life worthwhile . She pushed it from her mind . " Do I hafta ? " She asked . She didn 't know why , but she was starting to feel a bit funny , feeling younger . She usually spoke better English , but she felt she had to ask the question in that way . It was the right thing to do , and it felt natural . " No . It 's not that , but a person can 't be a baby all the time . Sometimes they have to be grown - up , and do the things big people do . " ' I 'll be damned , if he isn 't hypnotizing me ! ' She thought to herself . She had seen a hypnotist once before on a stage show , in Indianapolis . His name had been " THE MAGNIFICENT MERLYN " and he had people doing all sorts of things . One of the things was that he had made a guy put on a dress and become a woman . Amber had laughed until she cried . It had been so funny . She wasn 't laughing now , as she felt her bladder let loose and she flooded the diaper that she was wearing . She blushed and felt herself wanting to cry , but she knew that if she did people around them would hear , and she would be laughed at . She hadn 't known that she had to pee , but she peed in her diaper without her wanting to . She wondered what was happening to her . Was he making her a baby in front of all these people ? She didn 't like what was going on , but was powerless to stop it . " Big people not can be bebes . . . babies again ! " She said in a little girl 's voice . She knew it was happening , yet she couldn 't bring herself to speak in an adult commanding tone . She was becoming a little girl again in front of all these people , and she was starting to see Dan as her daddy . She was seeing adult words floating past her , but she couldn 't bring herself to say the words that grown - ups used . She felt a tear roll down her face . Amber stuck out her lower lip and nodded . She wanted to go home , and get out of this diaper . She didn 't bring another with her because she had no idea that this was going to happen , and she wanted to feel big again . She didn 't like being an adult and not having control of when to be a baby . It scared her to think that she was going to act like a baby in a big girl 's body for the rest of her life . " It 's okay sweetheart . That 's what diapers are for . You should be glad you 're wearing one or that seat you are sitting in would have been wet . " He stood up and took her hand . She stood up with him , and walked to his car . She knew that she should know what kind of car it was but it was just out of her grasp . She knew that she wasn 't a baby , but she couldn 't help but feeling like one . He helped her into his car , and buckled her in . She noticed that in the back seat was a toddler 's car seat , and that it was pink . She loved pink . All little girls loved pink . She smiled . She found herself wanting to sit in the car seat but knew that she was too big for it . It saddened her a little to know that she was a big baby and that she couldn 't do the same things a real baby couldn 't do . She didn 't want people to think she was retarded , and had to be a baby . She wanted a bottle , and knew that she could at least cry for one now . They were alone in his car , and on the way home to start her life as a real adult baby . One that could only be a baby mentally . Dan smiled to himself as he drove into the country . Amber , he knew would love her new life , but he was going to give her a choice . She was being conditioned , and she had took to the conditioning well . The Coke that she had drunk was the perfect vessel that had brought her to this level . She could return to her old life with just one adverse effect . She would be bladder incontinent for the rest of her life . Diapers would become a major part of her wardrobe , and she would have to always keep a supply with her wherever she went . He thought to himself how ironic it was . She loved wearing diapers , and now she would have to wear them forever . She had no choice in that now . That was if she wanted to be an adult again . He pulled his car into the driveway of his house . The house that he thought of as lonely . His parents had died and left him everything . His father had been a doctor , and his mother had inherited fourteen million dollars from her parents . It all came to him . He was considered an eligible bachelor but his work kept him more in line then women did . It wasn 't that he hated women , but he found them to be well . . . big babies . They were mostly his guinea pigs . Amber sat there and nodded . She put her thumb in her mouth , and sucked on it . She knew that she wasn 't a baby but it felt so comforting to just let the thoughts run away from her as she felt her tongue glide over her thumb . It was peaceful . The man that was driving the car , who she could only think of as daddy got out , and walked over to her side . He opened the car door and unbuckled her . She got out , and realized that she was wetting her diaper again . She couldn 't help it , and she was crying harder . He took her hand and walked her to the giant door in the front of the house . Unlocking it , he let her go in first . She started exploring , as he knew she would . Babies always explored new things , and to her this was as new as it got . In the living room was a playpen , with dollies in it . Just waiting for the right little girl to come play with them . She shouted with glee . Amber knew they were her dollies , and that made her heart leap with joy . Even though Amber knew she was a big girl really , she couldn 't fight the feeling of being the baby she was in her head . She liked being a baby but she didn 't . She didn 't know how to express this , so she just kept quiet . Her diaper was sagging under her skirt , and even though she knew it would bust open with one more wetting , she didn 't care . She was a baby and it was daddy 's job to change it before it got too heavy . Dan came up from behind her , and she saw he had a fresh diaper in his hand , and he had something else , which caught her interest . A pink baby bottle . She smiled and reached for her bottle . She lay down on the floor , and he handed her the bottle of milk , which went promptly into her mouth . She looked content , and he set about his work . Dan took off the skirt that she was wearing , and smiled as he saw how wet her diaper had become . She had succumbed to being a baby a lot easier then the other two had . Amber was the perfect subject for this experiment . He undone the tapes had held the diaper together and looked up at her face . She was happily enjoying her bottle , and wasn 't paying any mind to what her daddy was doing . ' Just as it should be . ' He thought . ' Either way my little baby girl , you will be in diapers for a long time . He cleaned her up and put the fresh diaper on her , and put her hair in ponytails , with pink bows , and then he made her get into the playpen . She was ecstatic to be in there with all her dollies . She held one out to her daddy and he held her , kissed her , and handed her back to Amber . She smiled as her daddy handed the dolly back . For the next three days , Amber was a baby . In mind , even though she knew what was happening and that she was powerless to stop it . She wore pink footie pajamas to bed , wore pretty little girl dresses during the day . She drank out of a bottle when thirsty , and set in a high chair to eat . She spent the three days mostly in the playpen playing with her dolls , and sleeping in a crib . All the while , the diapers were the constant in her life . Daddy always made sure she was never getting a diaper rash , and she was always letting him change her . She knew she was living a baby 's life . She knew that she lived like this once before , but she couldn 't remember just when . On the morning of the fourth day , she woke up and knew what was happening . She remembered everything that went on in the last three days , and that she was Amber Johnson . She was not a baby , but was nineteen years old . What ever he had done to her had worn off , and she was herself again . She looked down at the pajamas she was wearing and took them off . Her diaper was wet , but she knew that she could control that now too so her diaper came off and she threw it over to the side of the baby pink nursery " I thought that was what you wanted , to be a baby again . You got your wish . You were a baby . " He said , putting his hands out as if to say ' I just gave you what you wanted . " Over ? Do you really think so ? Yes , you are an adult in mind again , but you 're also bladder incontinent . It 's only fitting . You wanted to wear diapers . Well , now you have to wear them . Diapers are now a big part of your wardrobe . You 'll be wearing them the rest of your life , so get used to it . As you can see what happens . . . " He pointed to the floor . Amber walked away from the wet spot on the floor , and took the diaper and put it on herself . She looked down at her new panties . The panties she now had been condemned to wear forever , panties with tapes on the sides . She felt herself wanting to cry , but she would give this jerk no such satisfaction . " I have known for a long time that you 're not happy . Come with me , and you 'll see first hand the choice that you have . " He said , and he watched as she pulled on her pink top . He flipped on a light and she could see two baby girls about two year 's old sitting inside a room behind a glass wall . They were in a playpen , having a great time from what she could see . They were wearing only diapers , and her mind flashed back to Megan . In a way she envied them , they at least would be able to be potty trained , and she would be in the diapers like they were now , for the rest of her life . " Look at them . They are extremely happy . They love what they are . They will grow up all over again , and maybe this time there lives will turn out to be better then what they were before . " Amber looked at them and she felt the pang of pity for them . She didn 't know if that remembered their lives from before they became babies again , but she hoped they didn 't . She found herself wanting to get them out of there and if need be to raise them as her own . " Here is your choice Amber . You can stay an adult , forever having to wear diapers , and being drawn to babyish things . Or , I could change you into a baby like them , and you will have the chance to grow up all over again , and when your old enough you will be potty trained , never having to wear diapers again . Either way , you will be in diapers for the foreseeable future . " " Look at how content they are . I have certain clients who will take these baby girls in and adopt them . They will grow up being their little girls , and their new parents will take good care of them . If you stay as you are , you may get married someday , but when your children get ready to potty train and they ask , why do we have to get out of diapers ? Mommy wears them . What will you say to them ? You will be as an adult drawn to baby things and you will never be able to help wondering what kind of life you would have had if you had chosen to be a baby again . " " Follow me . " He said , and walked away . They walked down a dark hallway , into another part of the basement , and he turned on the light . There before her stood a gigantic machine . It was grey , and had a door panel that opened and closed electronically . On the front of the machine were switches and dials . In addition , they were marked with letters . There were LED lights on it that she supposed displayed the age of the recipient , and one of the dials said male and female . " I have done it before . There was a reporter that was nosing around and I caught him . He is now a sweet little baby girl , whose parents just love her . Oh yeah I forgot to mention , he still has his adult mind also . However , he can only do the things that a child of his age can do . In his mind , he is still a boy but his body says differently . She 's all girl . " He laughed aloud , as if this was the funniest thing he had ever heard of . " I wonder if I could make someone into an animal . You know , my dear , you just gave me a new idea . I may work on developing that when I have a chance . " Amber decided in that moment what was going to happen to her , and she hoped that she was right . The days of being , a big girl was over for her , and she knew it , but she would once again grow up , and this time she knew that things would be different . In a few hours , she would be sitting blissfully in the playpen with the other babies , happily playing with her dolls , and waiting for her new parents to come and claim her . She knew that once it happened she would be a happy little girl once again , and silently she asked her mother to forgive her . She hoped that she wouldn 't forget her , but knew in the grand scheme of things she most likely would . She hoped that once it was done , and she had finished what she knew she had to , it would all be over . The door of the entrance slid upwards , she took a deep breath , and walked in . The door slid down with a metallic bang , and she was in utter darkness . She realized that her diaper was once again wet , as she knew that once this was over she would be wetting them over and over until she was potty trained once more . She closed her eyes as she heard the humming of the machine start , and let out a little cry as she felt her already petite body starting to shrink . She looked up and saw a red glow coming down on her , and she thought to herself , ' Keep your memories for a little bit ! Keep your memories for a little bit ! ' She repeated them until she could no longer think . The red glow disappeared , and the door opened casting in light from the outside basement . She squinted , and started toward the door . Amber was now a naked little girl , and her diaper that had been on her was still in the middle . She giggled to see such a big diaper , and wondered who wore it . ' Grown - ups not wear diapers . ' She thought to herself . She would ask the man that was standing outside the door whose it was . She was sure that he would know . Walking out on her own , she was surprised at how big and monstrous everything was to her . She knew that she was just a baby , and that everything would be big , but she didn 't know what seeing through a baby 's eyes would be like . The man stood there staring at her , and she felt like she should know who he is . Her mind was processing information as it should , but she kept seeing him as the monster that did something bad to her , but she wasn 't sure what . He had a diaper in his hand , and opened it up . Suddenly she remembered who she was , and knew that she had to stop this madman from ever doing this to anyone else . She started wailing , as he put her new little girl panties on her . She knew that she was going to be in diapers for a long while , and she let him put it on her . She needed a diaper on now . There was just now way around it . Dan laughed at the childishness that Amber had embraced . She was a complete baby once again , and he knew she would fetch him a handsome sum of money . He loved watching the people he turned into babies at first . They were always a lot of fun , as they started getting their now lives in order . Amber was no different . She felt sorry for her old diaper that she was wearing when she went in , and was afraid that something bad was going to happen to it . Baby 's always thought everything had feelings . He stood up , and helped the new baby to stand up . She waddled around in her diaper , and he smiled . He wanted to make sure that she was reassured that nothing was going to happen as long as he was around . He watched her look at the machines buttons and thought to himself that she was just curious , exactly how a baby should be . He walked into the compartment , and the door slid down before he could get out . He knew that he had been tricked , but he didn 't think that Amber 's baby brain could remember how to run it . ' I 'm going to spank a little girls butt when I get out of here . ' He thought to himself . He walked to the metal door and pounded on it . Using his most commanding voice he ordered her to open the door so he could get out . He nervously looked up on the ceiling of the metal beast , and saw that the red light was coming on , and knew for sure what was going to happen to him . Dan let out a small whimper , and succumbed to his new position . Amber stood on the chair that sat in front of the control panel and she hit the start button , and heard the familiar hum . Picking up the cell phone he had left on the consul , she dialed a number from memory , even though she couldn 't remember the names of the numbers . From the other side she could hear " 911 . . . What is your emergency ? " She set the phone back down , and didn 't say a word . |
Mr . Deer Man December 30 , 2016 ~ jabberw ~ Leave a comment Sometimes I get a little too proud of myself . I was sitting on a bench in the park one November day , in front of the usually - green fields completely shrouded by a blanket of orange leaves , reading a newspaper . The day was slightly warmer than I expected it to be , so I had draped my coat over the bench ; besides , I liked the Autumn breeze , and I felt it better without my coat on . So , I was reading the newspaper , and they were already talking about Christmas . All these people talking about how great and extravagant their Christmas events were going to be . There was this man who claimed his Santa 's Grotto was going to be the best Santa 's Grotto in town , and that it would actually be like walking into the real Santa 's workshop . I then put down my newspaper and thought , why should Christmas time be a competition for who has the best decorations or the biggest display or the most immersive workshop ? Christmas should be a time to be humble , I said to myself , not a time for pride . It 's the birthday of Jesus bloody Christ , the guy who turned water into wine and rose from the dead , and I doubt putting up a lot of lights is going to top that . Me thinking that thought left me pretty chuffed with myself , so I walked away with a glow of pride from being one of the few people out there with the true Christmas spirit . It wasn 't until I reached the gates of the park , and felt an especially strong breeze that I realised I had left my coat on the bench . I ran back to get it , and found it in the hands of a man . His head was completely a deer 's head , and yet his hands were somewhere between hooves and human hands - more flesh than fur and with fingernails , but two fat fingers where there should have been four thin ones . His head was a deer 's head with absolutely nothing human about it - except lips . He spoke , and I focussed on his mouth . ' Are you hurt ? ' he asked me , ' People try to hurt me , you know . They said they hurt me because … ' He then bit his lip , allowing me to look at his thick , yellow teeth . ' Because I 'm a monster . Do you think I 'm a monster ? ' he added , staring at me right in the eyes , holding my wrists with his hoof - hands . His eyes , I couldn 't tell if they were those of a human or a deer , they seemed to alternate between the two . ' Am I a monster ? ' The deer - man released me and ran . I thought he would run away from the park , but instead , he ran to the nearest tree , and pressed his head against it , covering his eyes with his hoof - hands . I ran away , however , and as soon as I burst through the park gates and crossed the road , something told me to go back . The poor mutant just wanted a friend , I heard from my brain , go back and comfort him . It was the season of giving , they said . God loves a cheerful giver , they said , and this was the time of God 's son 's birthday . So , as young Jenny Sayers went out Christmas shopping , she not only got a present for Bert on Christmas Day - a t - shirt depicting a sword - wielding dog under a " Game of Bones " logo - but a present he could have when she got home . Bert couldn 't go to the shop on his own , so when Jenny went out to the shops , he usually gave her some money to buy him some junk food with . This time , however , Bert hadn 't given her any money , but she decided to buy him some donuts anyway . Tis the season . For most of the years Bert had lived under her roof , Jenny had never really thought about Bert that much . He liked to be left alone , so she left him alone . However , after the last Halloween , when he began to think about where he might have come from , she thought about that as well . When she was a kid , Jenny found a little furry three - eyed monster in the woods , one who didn 't know where his home or his parents were . Little Jenny took pity on him and took him back to her home , where he had lived for about ten years . Though he rarely left the house - only partly due to fear of being discovered by humanity - he learned about the world thanks to the internet , movies and television , which he had made money writing about . Until recently , he had never gave much thought about where he might have come from , though Jenny 's friend Chris had tried to find out . Ten years , and he still hadn 't had much luck . Bert hadn 't looked for his true home because he had been happy to stay where he was , and when Jenny got back home , he was where he usually was . Jenny knocked on the basement door , and she actually heard a " Come in " . Usually when she brought Bert his junk food , he wanted her to leave it at the door and then to go away , and when she had to tell him something , she told him through the door . After Halloween , however , when Bert remembered Jenny and her family first taking him in , he had welcomed Jenny into his little corner of the house more . ' Aw , ' said Bert , ' you shouldn 't have . ' After Jenny handed Bert the donuts , Bert 's mouth became like that of a python . He opened it wide , and dumped the donuts inside before swallowing . Bert leaned back to give Jenny a better look at his laptop screen , at the digital comic he was reading . ' I recently bought the Christmas issue of The Great Green Laser , and I want to write a funny review of it . I was just wondering if you can have a read of the comic , so you can give me suggestions for jokes to make . You 're pretty good at this commentary stuff . ' Jenny sighed as she looked at the screen , then back at Bert . ' This isn 't about Mark , is it ? ' She had broken up with Mark the last month and Bert actually asked Jenny if it had anything to do with him , given that he had complained about the times Mark had come over . Jenny had told him things just weren 't working out between them , but Bert admitted he still felt slightly responsible . ' Oh no , ' said Bert , ' it 's just a bit of fun . This season is all about fun , isn 't it ? ' He looked at the picture on his desk , of him and Jenny as children . ' You don 't remember when we both stayed up late on Christmas Eve to see if we could see Santa ? ' ' Oh yeah , ' said Jenny , tapping her chin . At one time , Bert slept in her bedroom before moving to the basement , and during his first Christmas with Jenny , he looked out of the window for any flying sleighs , and Jenny joined him . It was when they were looking out that they heard bumps downstairs . Both of them crept to the living room , steeling themselves for Santa . When they got down , however , they found the mince pies already eaten and the presents under the tree . Both of them were tempted to open the presents , but they decided it wouldn 't be good form . ' Kinda weird that Santa wasn 't real , when , you know , you are . ' ' Not that well , apparently , ' replied Jenny , ' but what he told me is that he 's treating every legend , every myth as fact . Soon as he hears an old fairy tale that may relate to you in some way , he thinks it might be true . When his family went to Scotland , he made sure to spend a lot of time around Loch Ness in case the monster came from the same place you did . ' At times he considered just giving up the search for Bert 's origins , especially considering that Bert himself didn 't care about them . Though he didn 't have the heart to give up on the search completely , he did think he should have some breaks from time to time . What better time than Christmas to take a break , at least from Bert - related work ? He still had work to do over the Christmas period : babysitting gigs , even if he had done his Christmas shopping . Never hurt to have a bit of extra money . His services had been requested by a man named Robert , who wanted Chris to babysit his daughter Elaine while he was out at a Christmas party with some friends . He told Chris his mobile number , what to serve for dinner and above all , not to give Elaine any sweets or chocolates . Also , apparently Elaine liked monsters . In the living room , there was a shelf full of DVDs , a lot of them being Godzilla movies , and when she greeted him , she was holding a cuddly monster toy , one that even looked a bit like a two - eyed Bert . Maybe it was that which kicked the " Bert part " of his brain on , or maybe it was never off to begin with . All kids believed monsters were real - Chris himself could account for that even before he met Bert - but Chris knew he couldn 't really take any chances . ' Have you ? Tell me about them ? ' ' Well , ' she said , ' don 't tell Dad I told you , but you know how he won 't let me have sweets ? He bought me a chocolate bunny and a chocolate chicken , and had them decorated like monsters . Then on Easter , they came to life and had a fight ! ' She actually nodded . ' Sometimes there 's this monster that comes out from under my bed . ' The oldest chestnut when it came to children 's monsters ; Chris actually sighed . ' She 's a big blob with three eyes . She says she reminds me of someone called Clara . ' Chris had seen lots of cartoons and clip - art of monsters that fit that description , but as he had constantly been telling himself , anything that resembles Bert is worth taking a look into . Elaine was a kid , but she did seem a little old to be believing in monsters under the bed . Both he and Elaine had monsters and Christmas on the brain , so they watched The Nightmare Before Christmas together before Elaine went off to beddy - byes . Aggie . The thing had a name , which made it - her - more solid to Chris . When kids made monsters that haunted their room , they didn 't give them names or personalities . Chris looked in the wardrobe . ' Hello , any monsters ? Any beasties or bogies ? ' He then looked under the bed , and even he couldn 't believe what he said while under there . ' Any monsters ? Hello ? I 've got a friend who 's a monster , you know . He 's purple and furry , with three eyes and green striped arms . ' He thought saying this wouldn 't arouse suspicion from Elaine and that she would probably think he was lying , but he didn 't expect an answer either . Hearing it made his heart pound . Hearing it left him unable to talk or breathe . After all these years , finally , something . An answer , that felt like it had been delivered by God Himself : Another monster . Another monster poking her head out from the floor . No , it was a portal . A portal to another world . Chris opened his mouth to say something but found himself speechless . The monster , Aggie , fully emerged from the portal and slithered out from under the bed . ' Well , now that I 've gone and exposed myself again , ' she said , ' might as well come out . Now , ' she said , turning back to Chris , ' we 've been looking for a monster with that description … ' ' Jenn . . Jenny 's my friend , ' he said to Aggie , bringing his face closer to hers , ' Bert is a monster who lives with her . I can … I can give you her … ' He pulled out his mobile phone and showed Jenny 's entry in his address book . Aggie 's eyes bulged , and it was then Chris realised how wrong that came out , though he didn 't correct it . ' I 'll go there , but if I find you 've been lying to me … ' She opened her mouth and tapped her sharp teeth with her tentacle . ' I 'll find you . Don 't think I won 't . ' With that , she slipped under the bed , and Elaine actually applauded . ' Do you really have a monster as a friend ? ' she asked . Jenny had read the comic with Bert . She made a lot of jokes , Bert made a lot of jokes , every joke was written down , and Bert said he would make an article out of it . He told her he would put her down as his co - author , but she urged him not to give her credit . Another early Christmas present ; people online thinking he was funnier than he actually was . So she had learned the importance of spending time with Bert , but she still recognised that " me time " was important too . Thus after reading the comic , having a little chat with Bert and then dinner , she went back up to her room just to be alone with her music . For weeks she had been bombarded with the tired Christmas tunes , and her ears deserved a rest . ' Yeah ? ' she said , but all she heard were attempts at talking . The first syllable of her name said over and over . ' Chris , if you have something to say , spit it out . ' Before she could get an answer , a huge green blob slithered right from under her bed . Jenny had thought that since she had had a monster in her house for so long , another wouldn 't surprise her , yet this sight left her unable to move . She froze in place , not even paying attention to Chris talking on the phone . ' Hello , ' said the monster narrowing its - or her - eyes , ' I 've been told you 've been keeping a monster here . Have you ? ' She shoved her face into Jenny 's , making Jenny cringe from her stench . ' Well ? ' ' He says you keep him in your basement , ' snarled the monster , ' I 'll just go there , shall I ? ' In seconds , she burst open the door and seemed to glide down the stairs , looking more like a ghost than a monster . Whatever she was , Jenny raced after her , her heart feeling like it would explode . She managed to catch up to the monster when she found the basement door . When the monster saw Jenny , she managed to crawl under the door , even with it shut . Seeing her force herself under the crack actually made Jenny pause before slamming open the basement door . ' Leave him alone ? ' said the blob , folding her tentacles , ' I 'm here to help him . You 're the one who 's been keeping him in this … ' She lifted a sweet wrapper off of the floor . ' … this dungeon for a decade . I just want to take him back to where he belongs . ' ' That 's right , ' said the blob , nodding . She looked around the room , seeing the posters , the rubbish and the unmade bed . ' You 're supposed to be better than this , ' she said to Bert . ' Okay , ' said the blob , taking a deep breath , ' we haven 't been properly introduced . My name is Aggie Ayar , and I 'm a monster like you . I come from a world full of monsters like us , one without humans who go after us . ' Bert hopped off of his seat . ' So , you 're going to take me to your world . ' He turned to Jenny . ' This is goodbye ? ' ' But … ' Bert wringed his arms . ' But , there 's so many great things here . There 's all these great movies and food , and … ' He turned to Jenny . ' I can 't leave Jenny . She 's … ' The blob paused for a moment , before saying , ' Look , just come with me . I mean , if you do , you can actually have a normal life . I could help you get a job … ' Aggie rubbed her head . ' Ten years , ' she said , ' ten years . Most monsters wouldn 't even last an hour here . He really does seem to like you , ' she said to Jenny , ' and it doesn 't seem like Stockholm Syndrome either . ' ' I need to talk to you , ' said Aggie and off they walked to the kitchen . Jenny and Bert just stood in the basement , the latter rubbing his head . ' This has to be done , ' said Bert , ' I seriously thought it would never happen , but it has to be done . I mean , in all the kids ' movies where they make friends with a dinosaur or alien or whatever , isn 't there usually a teary goodbye scene ? ' Jenny would have normally rolled her eyes at Bert linking everything to pop culture , yet here she laughed . ' I 'll miss you , Bert , ' she said , ' you know , if you 're really going . ' She still felt like something was going to happen that would mean Bert staying in her home forever . They stood in the hallway for a while , listening to Aggie talk to Mother and Father , and soon there came a pounding at the door . Jenny almost said , ' What now ? ' but she knew who it was . Chris was at the door , nearly out of breath . ' Sorry I 'm late , ' he said , ' had to wait until he got back … had a babysitting job … Bert … I did it . ' The three entered the kitchen to see Aggie sat at the table , still discussing taking Bert back to her world . ' Well , ' said Mother , ' it 's like I said to Jenny when she first brought Bert here , we couldn 't keep him here forever . Eventually , someone was going to find him and do who - knows - what to him . ' ' Well , ' said Bert , ' why not ? I 've been watching all these fantasy films and reading all these books , and sometimes I 've wished I can go to a fantasy world . Now I can go to one , so I might as well go to one . Got any gryphons ? ' Aggie sighed . ' Yes , we 've got gryphons and magical cats . Seriously , come with me . See what you 've been missing . You 'll be back in an hour . ' ' Hey , whoa , whoa , ' said Bert , ' I 'm not leaving … ' He returned the hug , and after that , gave a handshake to Chris . ' Thanks . For everything . ' When he let go , Aggie put her tentacle around Bert 's shoulder , and with a ' Come ' , they went up the stairs . Chris , Jenny and her family knew Bert was in the house . They knew Aggie was in the house . Yet there was another monster that they didn 't know about . An eyeball , attached to the body of a slug , its eyeball acting as a miniature camera . Out of the three monsters in the house , it was the first to dive back into Abnorlia , so as Aggie and Bert entered themselves , Dana knew they were coming . She had been watching over her precious little Lix , the tiny snake - like creatures who , with a single lick , could either kill or knock anyone unconscious . The " Kills " had red bows , and the " Knock - Outs " had blue bows , clothes that would disintegrate with them once their job was done . She had been feeding them by injecting them , making sure that their tongues were covered , when in flew a disembodied mouth with wings and a claw that held cash . Other monsters walked the streets , but not many . There were a couple of blobs like Aggie , and Bert was sure he saw someone that looked like him , but none of them paid attention to him . Thus the idea that life in this world would be more or less the same as his life in the human world except without Jenny popped into his mind . ' You know , ' said Bert , ' maybe it would be for the best if I stayed with Jenny and her family . I mean , did you hear them ? They treated me like I was Tiny Tim or something . ' ' I did … I do … I … I just don 't know , ' said Bert , looking down at the pavement , or what resembled one , ' I guess it just happened so suddenly that … ' He looked up and noticed that there were no other monsters on the street except for him and Aggie . The streets , however , did not feel empty . Being " out " felt like a five - minute nap , so Bert was wide awake to see who had knocked him out . Another monster , one with a face like that of a crocodile and tentacles where there should have been legs , holding the remote - like device in her elongated fingers . ' You should be glad I saved you , ' said the monster , bouncing the remote in her palm , ' I wasn 't going to let you become a bedhider . ' ' Indeed , ' said the monster , pacing , ' it was actually widely practiced by our people in the old days , but it did cause the humans to attack us , so we outlawed it . Good riddance , I say to it , it was old - fashioned , and as you say , creepy . However , there have been some that have been trying to resurrect the tradition , say that human children have become more dependant and unruly … but who cares about human children ? ' ' Calm down , ' snapped the monster , ' look , I 'm not the bad guy here . I just care about the safety of our people . And that is why I want to talk to you about your time with the humans . ' She then leaned over Bert , resembling a buzzard looking at its prey . ' How you managed to survive for so long among them . ' ' I 'm doing this for you , ' said the monster , undoing the ropes on Bert 's arms , ' I 'm doing this for you . Oh , let me introduce myself , my name 's Dana . You 're Bert , you 're fairly well - known , actually . ' She gestured towards the remote . ' Your mother … ' Bert 's eyes widened and his entire body was paralysed . ' … had one of these . She wasn 't a bedhider , but she knew one . She liked the scenery of the human world and their little gadgets … ' The apple doesn 't fall far from the tree , Bert thought . ' … so one day Margaret Munchester and her son take a little trip into another world , and neither of them return . ' Dana put a hand on Bert 's shoulder . ' I 'm sorry , Bert . Look , the thing is , my employer wanted me to kill you too … ' Bert flinched . ' … because he thought you would lead the humans here , but I 'd much rather you have a normal life here . ' She undid the ropes around Bert 's waist . ' I know someone who can help you get a new identity , ' she said , placing a card into Bert 's hand , ' if you keep your old one , you will arouse unwanted attention . ' Dana threw the ropes on the floor . ' You 're free now . You can be your own monster , and you never have to go back to that world ever again . You never have to be treated as a pet . ' ' You know , like vampires and werewolves and Frankensteins . The world is a big graveyard filled with castles and houses that look like the Bates Motel . Bert 's going to have parties with zombies and ghosts . ' They both laughed . Then all of a sudden , they came closer to each other , Jenny 's hand still on Chris ' . She let go , so she could wrap her arms around Chris , and Chris could wrap his arms around her . They closed their eyes and brought their faces closer to each others ' . Just as Bert had picked up the remote , out came another monster - a reptilian looking creature with tentacles for legs , holding what looked like a giant rat . It stood up , holding the rat in front of Jenny 's face . ' Let 's make this quick , ' it said in a feminine voice . Chris , however , kicked her right in the chest , knocking her over . Out from the rat 's mouth , there launched a small snake with a red bow , which was reduced to a green puddle when it hit Jenny 's ceiling . The monster rose , still holding its gun , only for Bert to grab a lamp from a dresser and toss it at her direction . It hit the back of her neck , making her turn her attention to him . ' It 'll be for your own good if you die , ' she said , which was Jenny 's cue to grab her by the neck , surprising her enough to drop the gun . Bert then kicked the gun under the bed . ' She wanted to kill you , ' said Bert , lifting up his head , ' They didn 't want to take any chances when it came to humans attacking them . ' After taking a deep breath , Bert told Chris and Jenny about his little adventure , about Aggie 's profession and her death , about how the armed monster - Dana - tried to get him a new identity before going after Jenny and her family . ' She 'll be back , ' said Bert , ' she or another monster . So I can 't stay here or go back there . ' ' No , ' said Bert , shaking his head , ' I know what I have to do . They were right , I can 't keep hiding . ' With that , he threw his t - shirt to the floor and ran out of the bedroom . Jenny and Chris ran out to see Bert strolling down the streets , screaming about how he was a monster and had been living in the town for ten years . Cars stopped to get a look at him , people ran out of their houses and took pictures of him with their mobile phones . Jenny almost went out there to grab Bert , but she saw little point . Bert didn 't come back home that night . However , the next day , Jenny 's house was swamped with journalists , reporters and people who were simply curious . Seeing them made Jenny 's stomach sink , believing that her friend , her brother had been taken to a laboratory and was being dissected . Bert returned to her house safe and sound , however , ready to do the thing he was best at : writing . Not a film review or a pop culture article , a book about his life among the human race . When I 'm The Monster In Your Basement was published , it shot to the top of the bestseller charts , and Bert often showed up at bookstores for signings . A portion of the proceeds went to the Sayers , who were already making a lot of money selling merchandise . Bert 's outing inspired the " bedhiders " to make themselves well - known , and all over the world , kids went " told you so " to their parents . Monsters like Dana with murderous intent also came out , but they were detained and arrested . Abnorlia even ended up becoming quite a honeypot site , with the two worlds sharing each other 's technology . The Gryphon December 4 , 2016December 4 , 2016 ~ jabberw ~ Leave a comment She fully expected him to have already died when she arrived . That , although her home was not too far from his , she would open the door and find him with the sheets over his body . No , though she knew he had minutes left , she felt like sighing with relief when she saw that he was still alive , though barely . The rays of sunlight beaming on his body did make him look livelier than he actually was ; the Mystic sitting next to his bed even looked more corpselike . ' Greta , ' croaked George , raising his head slightly , ' Greta , you came . ' He looked down , and saw the smaller gryphon clinging to his mother 's leg . ' And there 's my grandson . ' He attempted to force out a laugh , but only let loose a fit of coughing , punctuated by an involuntary squawk . ' Do not worry about me , ' said George , looking upwards , ' You 've seen worse than this . ' Greta 's only response was a nod . ' And you have Gideon there . I know he will make me proud . ' He let go of Greta 's claw , and took a look around . ' I just wish your brother could be here . ' Greta looked down at her trembling hand before she grabbed the sheet and put it over her father 's body . The Mystic stood up and drew a circle around the body with his claw , before lifting up the claw , guiding George 's soul to where he would finally get some peace . Both Greta and her son kneeled as the Mystic performed his ritual . The mystic nodded , and beckoned Greta and Gideon away from George 's hut and into his own . Greta looked back on her father 's home , and then back to the Mystic . She closed her eyes , thinking back to her childhood . She was the eldest of George 's two children , but it was a male George wanted to continue on his legacy , to fight against the humans that had caused their kind trouble for so long . When Gilbert was hatched , that 's who George directed his attention towards , trying to teach him the same techniques he had studied as a child . In her youth , Greta had never paid them much attention , turning her focus towards her studies and the books - though she remembered Gilbert had shown more interest in those books than she did . That 's how he ended up in this situation though , wasn 't it ? After that incident , Greta was inspired to enlist in various gryphon training programmes , at least the ones that accepted females . For years she had trained to use swords , bows and arrows as well as the claws and wings she was born with . During these classes she met Gregory , who helped her with her archery , a subject she was struggling in . They later wed and gave birth to Gideon , shortly before Gregory died in a battle against the humans . As much as she and her kind fought the humans , she still kept telling herself that if she found Gideon reading human literature like Gideon did , she would let him . She wouldn 't disown him for that . She had also entertained the idea of one day making peace with the humans ; she even believed one reason she fought against the humans was for the possibility that doing so would make the humans realise how strong and powerful her kind really were . When Greta stepped into the Mystic 's hut , and the Mystic took a look into his fountain , Greta once again expected death . The image in the fountain would reveal Gilbert 's rotting carcass , another in a list of people Greta had lost in her life . Even then , she involuntarily blurted out ' Is he alive ? ' Greta froze . She knew there were worlds out there other than her own , including one where no gryphons lived but the humans there told stories about how ferocious they were . Many of her kind feared that place , but sometimes Greta had thought about finding a way there , just to show the humans there how her kind really were . The Madlands , however … only one of her kind had been to that place and returned . His speech was nonsensical and incoherent , and he eventually killed himself with a sword across the throat . Even Gideon hid away from the mere mention of the Madlands . He always felt better after a nap , even if the nap lasted about a minute or so , or was rudely interrupted . Maybe it was how soft the ground was in the Queen 's courtyard ; apparently , it was so soft it made even the flowers sleepy . Still , when he was awoken by the Queen of Hearts barking ' Up , lazy thing ! ' he immediately felt a surge of energy and leapt up onto his feet , saluting . ' Take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle , and to hear his history . I must go back and see after some executions I ordered . ' The Gryphon found himself tempted to laugh whenever the Queen spoke about the executions , but forced his beak shut , holding his pose . When the Queen hobbled away back to her game , the Gryphon looked down at the young woman he was supposed to escort , looking up at him as if he were of her own species . Yet just from giving her a look over , the Gryphon could tell she neither was from this world or the one he was born in . ' Her , ' he replied , ' They never executes nobody ! ' Speaking of bloodshed , or at least the potential for it , did bring Gilbert 's mind back to his homeworld , but only for a moment . Everything I had back there is gone , he told himself , even my name . It was just " The Gryphon " he was known as now . He knew several people who preferred to be called by their occupation rather than their actual name , so why not him ? When he took the girl over to the beach where the Mock Turtle usually resided , he learned that the girl 's name was Alice . Strange name that , thought the Gryphon , though he didn 't say it aloud . He remembered hearing somewhere that a name had to mean something , and he certainly wasn 't sure what Alice meant . Then again , he didn 't really know what Gilbert meant either . The Mock Turtle , he knew what that meant . The Mock Turtle , the only name he gave himself , the only name he could remember . The Mock Turtle , the Gryphon 's old friend . Sobbing as usual . Yet what had he to be sad about ? The sun was shining , the birds were cawing away in the distance … no , he had plenty to be sad about , didn 't he ? That , however , was something neither the Gryphon nor the Mock Turtle liked to talk about . All the Gryphon said about the Mock Turtle 's crying was that it was all his fancy , for that 's what the Mock Turtle wanted him to say . It was obvious that the Turtle wanted to continue , the way his lips were pursed , and the hiss escaping from his lips . The Gryphon felt a tingle in his stomach , and his beak itch , yet he resisted the urge to cajole the Turtle to continue . The only sound he made was a cough . The Gryphon leaned back on a nearby rock as he saw his old school materialise right in front of him . It was when he was a teenager he had first come to Wonderland , and its breathable sea was the first place he ended up in . It was even where he had found his new home - in a café called The Cod Swallows . The owner , a giant cod known only as Cod of course , had taken pity on the Gryphon and had promised him asylum in exchange for helping him out at the café . He even enrolled him in a nearby school , one that wasn 't too expensive yet had been recommended . The school was apparently inspired by a school from Earth , where its literature had been collected from . Wonderland had people whose main jobs were finding portals to Earth and retrieving objects from that world - the White Rabbit probably being the most famous of them all . Turtle had wanted to be one of those people , but he was told that , in his current condition , he would be too conspicuous . Alice asked more questions about the school and more images popped into the Gryphon 's head . They had also collected poetry from Earth , and the old crab taught them . Laughing and Grief , he called them , for he said their main purpose was either to make you laugh or cry , mostly the latter . " ' Tis the Voice of the Sluggard " was Laughing , because the life of the sluggard was comical , but it was also Grief , because the possibility that one could end up like the sluggard was a sad one . The Gryphon had studied poetry extensively , and written so much of his own . Part of him had wanted to go to Earth to share his poetry but the people of Wonderland , and the people of Aquilabestia , had told him so many times that the people of Earth would fear and hunt him . School wasn 't all fear and verse though , there were games too , oh , were there games . In return , Alice told of her adventures in Wonderland . The Mock Turtle cringed when he heard of the Drink Me potion , yet intently listened through everything else . The Gryphon too had met the Cheshire Cat on several occasions , what an annoying bugger he was . Mentioning the Queen and her croquet game , however , brought up more images in the Gryphon 's head . Shortly before the Gryphon left school , the Cod Swallows had suffered financial difficulties due to lack of customers and was facing closure . Thus when Gryphon 's studies were complete , he looked for a new line of work , with the Turtle giving suggestions all the way . Eventually , they found none other the Queen of Hearts wanted a new cook , which seemed to be a sign from some higher force . The Gryphon still remembered the response he got when he entered with the Turtle : ' You 're not preparing Mock Turtle soup , are you ? It makes me nauseous . ' The Gryphon was even sure he only got the job because he wanted to keep the Mock Turtle alive . He cooked for the Queen , and even acted as a sort of entertainer , doing the Lobster Quadrille and reciting his poetry at the Queen 's croquet games and parties . Doing so gave him a slight twinge of regret , given how a botched performance for the Queen had sentenced the Mad Hatter to an infinite time loop , yet he still danced , he still sang , and still sent a portion of his money to Cod . The Mystic not only agreed to give Greta a map to the most common places for portals to pop up , but had offered to take care of Gideon too . Greta had suggested Gideon go along too , to learn about the sacrifices that needed to be made when rescuing a fellow gryphon , but then realised that he may fall to the madness too . This also led to a troubling thought - what if Gilbert had gone irreversibly insane ? What if there was no way to release him from the strangleholds of madness but death ? Still , Greta swallowed and flew over the world , high enough so passers - by would mistake her for a bird or another flying creature , but low enough so she could see where she was going . The most common spot to find portals to the Madlands was somewhere in the forests of Fornestone , where Gilbert liked to go to think by himself . Since he had been gone , however , a significant portion had been chopped away to expand the town . Even in the wooded areas , humans had become more frequent , hunting animals and gathering wood . She dove , landing in a clearing a fair distance from the town . It wasn 't this area the portals usually appeared in , no , according to the map , it was a little closer to the town . The town where innocent gryphons were slaughtered for meat or raised to carry goods . Greta considered postponing the search and just diving into the town , yet she couldn 't help but follow the map 's directions . A few spots to the right . Should be just a few … ' Gryphon ! ' came the cry . A man had been collecting firewood , and now intended to use his axe for another purpose . As soon as Greta saw the shimmer of sadism in his eyes , she slashed at him , and was about to knock him over with her hind legs before her beak got whacked by the blunt end of the axe . Her wings flapped almost by instinct , lifting her up to the tallest tree nearby . The trees had shrunk and had become much thicker , their leaves now purple and orange and pink . The sky was cluttered with clouds of bizarre shapes , bearing more resemblance to spoiled milk than what she would normally flutter around . There were also more flowers than there usually were , each of them with a clearly human face . Greta turned around to see three figures at a table , their faces slightly shadowed by the tree they sat under . She came closer and saw at the head of the table a giant hare , sitting like a gryphon or a human would , and wearing clothes . It looked like a man had slain a giant hare and was wearing its head as some sort of celebration . This , however , was a living , breathing hare , with blinking eyes and a tongue that lapped up liquid from a cup . ' Enough ! ' Greta slammed her fist on the table and grabbed the man by the bow he had around his neck . ' My brother is here , and you 're going to tell me where he is ! ' ' Oh , ' said the Hare , laughing , ' our friend 's your brother . You know , that reminds me of my brother somewhat . He was born in June , I was born in March , so my parents always said … ' Greta threw the man in the hat away , and took to the skies , flying through the spoiled milk clouds . The man and the hare hadn 't given much information , but at least they wanted conversation as opposed to oppression , and a Queen 's courtyard wasn 't too difficult to find . Sure enough , she spotted the giant pink towers marked with hearts instantly . She swooped down , but tumbled on the ground during the landing , almost hitting her head on a wooden post . Perhaps , she thought , it was the sight of those flat men . Greta had seen myriad bizarre things during her time fighting for her species , but not those . She found herself unable to look away , unable to think of anything but what their organs were like , if they had a skeleton , or what it would be like to be one of them . ' Oh , another newcomer , ' it said , ' but a redundant one . Most newcomers we have are humans and we have too many of them . You 're a gryphon and we already have one over there , ' it added as a hand materialised to the left of its head . All thoughts of what magic it used escaped Greta 's head as she dashed towards the familiar figure observing a rose bush . Of course he was older and taller , but it was undeniably him . It was definitely Gilbert ; the expression he had on his face was one Greta had seen only on him . ' G … ' His claws shook , yet his body remained completely still . ' Gilbert , ' said Greta , after taking a deep breath , ' George is dead . ' Gilbert sounded like he was choking again . He held his stomach , and then looked at the grass , seemingly biting his own beak . ' I 'm sorry , ' said Greta , ' before he died , he said … he said he 's sorry for disowning you . He wanted me to find you . ' Gilbert sighed . ' You know , Greta , I 've had thoughts ' bout going back , I have . I know a way how even . But every time I tried , I 'd … ' He turned away , and Greta couldn 't tell whether he was sobbing or laughing . ' Gilbert , ' continued Greta , ' How can you stay here and not even try to correspond ? ' Gilbert turned back to his sister . ' I 've been trying to save my kind from the humans . I , and … my husband . ' Gilbert looked as if he had forgotten how to breathe , and collapsed onto the grass . Just as Greta was about to help him up , another human approached , along with the flat creatures . A bloated human in a crimson dress , her face looking proud and warped at the same time . ' Who is this ? ' asked the woman , pointing her staff at Greta . Greta swiped at the woman . ' Off with her head ! ' Greta began to beat her wings until she heard Gilbert scream , ' Greta , no ! ' Greta grabbed Gilbert by the arm , taking him to a corner of the courtyard . ' You willingly let a human control you ? You let yourself become the slave to that murderous maniac ? ' ' In Aquilabestia , ' snarled Greta , ' our kind are captured and are forced into labour . Have you forgotten that ? ' Gilbert then turned away , looking at the flat men playing their little game . ' Are you listening to me ? ' ' But they treats me well ! I 'm accepted here , and I 'm certain you shall be too ! I actually think we should just go and bring the entire gryphon population here ! ' Greta opened her mouth to speak , but then thought for a moment . ' Gilbert , come back with me . You can stay as long as you like . Just to see your nephew , just so you can see what 's become of our kind . Then , if you want to go back to this lunatic world , you can bloody well do so . ' With a nod , Gilbert took Greta by the claw and they both left the courtyard . On the way to their destination , Gilbert told Greta that Wonderland had a similar tradition to what the gryphons had ; gryphons with significant jobs were referred to only as their title , and Gilbert just went by " The Gryphon " in Wonderland . Soon , they reached their destination , a sandy beach where a deformed monstrosity awaited Greta . She couldn 't help but scream . The creature covered itself with its flippers . Gilbert shot Greta a frosty stare . ' That is my friend , he is . The Mock Turtle . ' After shaking off his frown , Gilbert turned to the Turtle . ' Turtle , this is my sister , Greta . ' The Mock Turtle held out his flipper , which made Greta involuntarily jump back . Even though she then extended her claw to shake the flipper , the Mock Turtle recoiled and cried harder . ' Oh , go ahead and laugh . ' ' You are not the only one who 's been hunted . ' The Turtle grimaced , wiping away a tear . ' Anyway , here is how you get back home . ' His left flipper disappeared into his shell , and from it , he pulled out a brass bell . ' Ring this bell and summon the owl . ' Gilbert took the bell and stood by the shore , letting the sea wash all over his furry feet . He rang the bell , and then sat down with eyes fixed on the horizon . As soon as Greta sat by him , a boat seemed to materialise out of nowhere . A bright green boat , being steered by a plump little owl with a waistcoat . Though the owl was a large one , and kept a guitar in the boat with him , there was more than enough room for the two gryphons to fit in . ' Hmm , ' said the owl , stroking his beak with his wing , ' never been there . But I can give it a shot . ' And off he went . ' You know , I love this job , ' said the Owl , ' just being out here on the sea is payment enough . Reminds me of my wife . ' He looked at the water and sighed . ' She loved sailing , you know . I hope she 's happy wherever she is . ' Greta couldn 't help but bow her head too . The waters reminded her of Gregory , and one of the first nights they spent together . They flew together over the ocean , admiring the reflection of the full moon and how it illuminated their forms . Greta had even taken Gideon down to the shore a couple of times , just to remind him of his father . ' She fell from a tree . Poor thing , ' said the Owl , continuing his rowing , ' I wrote a song about it . Would you like to hear it ? ' ' No , ' said Gilbert , ' I 've always wanted to have a trip to wherever the Owl comes from , and this one other place I 've heard of , the one with the big castle made out of emeralds . Just never got round to it . Too much on my mind , I suppose . ' The skies grew darker . Mountains began to materialise . There wasn 't any fog ; they just seemed to pop out of nowhere . There it was , the same beach she and Gregory had that special evening together . It was dangerous to be here ; it was too close to a human town . ' Gilbert , hurry , ' barked Greta , grabbing Gilbert by the hand . At that , they landed on a rock , Greta stretching her already - long neck . ' This is why you need me , Gilbert . You won 't survive with the attitude , so you need to change it . ' Greta grumbled , and then took Gilbert by the hand once more , this time on foot . Soon they reached the small village , with Gilbert looking at the huts with what looked like reminiscence . ' You 're here ! ' Then there came the Mystic , holding Gideon by the hand . ' I trust the journey was a safe one . ' Gilbert turned to Greta . ' And what may be wrong with the way I talk ? ' He turned upwards and added , ' Certainly there seems to be bigger things to worry about . ' Then Gideon started tugging on Gilbert 's waistcoat and Gilbert burst into laughter . ' I am a mother , ' said Greta , extending her neck to put her head between those of Gilbert and Gideon , ' but calling me mother means you are thinking of me as just that . If Gideon called me that , he would be overlooking what I am trying to do for my species . The Mystic is a mystic and doesn 't intend to be anything else , so we call him The Mystic , but I am trying to be more than just a mother . George was more than just a father , so we didn 't call him father . ' She then seized her son from Gilbert . ' Don 't you want to be like him ? Don 't you want to battle against human oppression ? ' ' Go with the Mystic . ' Greta put Gideon down , and then shot Gilbert a cold stare . ' Hopefully he can rattle some of the nonsense out of your brain . ' So the Mystic beckoned Gilbert to follow him , and Gilbert did so , though his eyes were on Gideon the whole time . The Mystic looked into his pot , and then added what looked like a sprinkle of sugar . He stared at his concoction for a full minute before it turned a brighter bluish hue , and the Mystic dipped a metal cup into the mixture . After pulling it out , he admired it for a while and then gave it to Gilbert . Without saying anything , Gilbert guzzled down the potion and involuntarily collapsed to the ground , looking up at the ceiling . All of a sudden , he saw his father again , in an image seemingly projected onto where he was looking . George was donning armour , which slowed down his flight , but made him stand out against the crimson clouds . Other gryphons followed him , also wearing armour , but not flying . Then there came the humans , wielding swords and crossbows and various other weapons Gilbert had seen in the Queen 's castle but had never seen used . The scene changed to show Greta , cradling an egg . Beside her was another gryphon , a young , well - built one . Her husband . Gregory , she called him . ' Silence ! ' The mist surrounded the Mystic , he seemed to lift off the ground without the use of his wings , and then he descended . ' Your world … the world in which you relocated to … there , you served a human . A human who had no real power , whose threats were as empty as her cranium . ' ' You have wings , you have claws , you were blessed with a mighty form . You far outpower the Queen of Hearts , as she is called . From what the mist has shown me , she is a poor ruler , but then again , what do you expect from humanity ? ' Potions that make one shrink , food that makes one grow , valleys where you remain still , all this could be very beneficial to our cause . Imagine , you were in proximity to something that could enlarge us and you never told us . Selfish creature ! ' Gilbert left the Mystic 's hut and went back to that of his sister . As soon as he got back to the hut , he found none other than Gideon waiting for him , looking like a dog missing his owner . ' He 's weird , isn 't he ? ' said Gideon as soon as Gilbert arrived . ' Yeah , ' said Gideon , ' he showed me that too . He showed me what happened to George . ' He looked like he was about to cry . Gilbert got on one knee and put his hand on his nephew 's shoulder . Gilbert chuckled . ' Lobsters are these big red sea creatures , and they have claws , but not claws like ours . No , their claws look more like beaks . ' He gestured towards his own beak , then he pressed his fingers together , made a ' C ' shape with his hands , then simulated a lobster 's claws . ' And they have big antennae coming out of their heads . ' He placed his fists on his forehead and lifted one finger from each hand , wiggling them about . ' Gilbert , ' snarled Greta , ' you really think this is a laughing matter ? Did you see what they … ' Greta sighed . ' Maybe I shouldn 't have brought you back . You don 't deserve this . ' ' No , ' Gilbert repeated , ' the Mystic and I are going to Wonderland tomorrow , we are . We 've got things there that 'll help us . Potions and cakes and mushrooms that make you grow and shrink . ' ' I wish you wouldn 't … ' Gilbert walked inside the hut . ' Hey , how about I make dinner tonight ? I mean , from what I can see , you 're busy , so as long as I stay here , I think I should make food . ' ' I know who you 're talking about , ' Gilbert scratched the underside of his beak . ' I had tea with them a few times , I did . They 're nice people , though they are strange . ' ' Well , ' Gilbert turned to the rabbit himself , ' it was a rabbit that didn 't talk ? ' Greta nodded . ' Very well then . ' So he prepared the rabbit , attempting to ignore how much it made him want to vomit . Thankfully for him , Greta had also collected some berries , so he could prepare a fruit salad for afters . When the rabbit was cooked , and the fruit salad was placed in the bowls , he gave them to Greta and Gideon , with a " Bon appetit " , a phrase he had learned in Wonderland . Shortly after dinner , Greta prepared an extra bed for Gilbert , even giving him a little more hay than her bed had . Gilbert thanked her for it , but as night fell , he couldn 't get to sleep . He supposed that was appropriate , given that he was away from Wonderland , a place Alice apparently visited through going to sleep . This lack of sleep carried with it a sense of guilt , however ; his sister , who had definitely faced worse than he had , was sleeping soundly . If he wasn 't sleeping , he thought , he was non - verbally implying he was worse off than his sister . Yet as much as he tried to force himself to , he couldn 't drop off . He had seen the humans attack his kind . He had seen gryphons shot at just for going outside . Despite what he had seen , he went outside and took a walk . That 's what he did when he couldn 't sleep in Wonderland , and if he did in Wonderland what he did in Aquilabestia , Aquilabestia would be a bit more like Wonderland . He also thought that perhaps the humans would be asleep , so he would be safer than during the day . Almost everything in Wonderland was brightly coloured , even at night , so there was something about the more muted colours of this land that made Gilbert 's head throb , yet he couldn 't close his eyes . The stars in the sky were particularly hypnotic , though they weren 't that different visually from those he saw at Wonderland . Yet they called to him , and he couldn 't help but beat his wings and rise up , embracing the winds . It was a different wind than that of Wonderland , one that carried a certain chill to it . A soothing chill , one that seemed to freeze Gilbert 's doubts . Perhaps it was because of those frozen doubts that he flew on over to the beach , even though Greta told him about its vicinity to where humans lived . He was sure it actually had nothing to do with the Mock Turtle and where they used to talk ; he just wanted to hear the crashing of the waves . It was the most soothing sound he could think of , and it was sure to make sleep easier . He didn 't even mind if he fell asleep right on the beach , for he was going there in the morning anyway . Gilbert fiddled around in his jacket pocket and took out the bell . It was then he noticed that after leaving the hut and flying to the beach , he had taken the bell with him , and yet it never occurred to him to use the bell at the beach himself and leave . He did have a feeling that if he went back to Wonderland and never returned , Greta would have absolutely no complaints . ' You heard me . We are superior to the humans in every way , yet we live in fear of them ? Humans don 't deserve to be the dominant species . You 've seen how they treat us ! ' ' Listen to you , ' snorted the Mystic , ' you haven 't changed an iota . You 're exactly the same snivelling little child your father disowned . You 're going to need to change your attitude if you want to survive . As he waited for the vessel to arrive , he held Gilbert closely , and pulled up a dagger from his cloak . ' I knew you would be too cowardly , so I came prepared . ' He held the dagger close to Gilbert 's throat , then put it away . ' Don 't try anything to stop me . I 'm sure Greta won 't even mourn you . ' Gilbert kept quiet , simply choosing to stare at the sea until the boat came . He dared not move or say anything , his stomach twisting from the thought of the dagger digging into his heart . Still , being so close to the angry Mystic called to mind a certain phrase he remembered reading - " Keep your friends close and your enemies closer " . ' Oh , you 're getting to be a regular , ' said the Owl , ' and you 've brought another friend . As they got on the boat , the Owl added , ' You know , this is a pretty nice - looking place . I can see myself going here often . Even think the Mrs would have liked it . ' Even in the nighttime , the sands and trees of Wonderland seemed to shine and glisten . Even the Mystic squinted as he stepped off of the boat , still holding Gilbert . They both stood and watched as the Owl drifted away . ' I thought he 'd never leave , ' came a familiar voice . Next to the two gryphons materialised a certain cat , looking like he was lying on an invisible hammock . ' I knew you 'd come back , Gryphon . And you brought another friend . Wonderland is getting to be quite the honeypot site . ' The Mystic lunged for the Cat 's throat , but only managed to grab air . The Cat had made his body disappear , and now a disembodied cat head was in the air , sticking its tongue out . The Mystic tried to grab this head , only for it to float up . Gilbert was free from the Mystic 's clutches , and the woods seemed to be beckoning him like Aquilabestia 's stars were earlier on . He inwardly begged himself not to escape , for that would mean leaving the Mystic unattended . It did pop into his mind to go and warn the others about the Mystic but still , that would leave the Mystic unattended . The Mock Turtle liked to come up to the beach often , but his home was underwater , a shack made of discarded ship parts . As soon as he saw it , Gilbert slammed his fists on the door , constantly looking upwards . Soon , out came the Turtle , rubbing his eyes with his flippers . ' Gryphon , ' he said , ' what is it ? ' ' Forget the Cat , ' he said to Gilbert , ' there 's still many things to uncover here . Oh , and this must be your little friend , the one you were merrily prancing with while we cowered in fear ! ' At that moment , however , the Turtle was the one cowering in fear , shielding his face with his flippers . All it took was one look at the mushroom and everything came back to the Turtle . He munched on the mushroom , and in seconds , his neck elongated , reminding Gilbert of a jack - in - the - box . Gilbert took a nibble himself , and his neck sprung up as well , knocking a few branches off of the trees . ' Oh no ! ' cried a bird from one of the trees , ' Serpents again ! Just when I thought I was finally rid of them ! ' It was a misunderstanding Gilbert could understand , especially given one of the " serpents " actually was a reptile . He wrapped his neck around the body of the Mystic to restrain him , all the while resisting the urge to scream in pain . The Mock Turtle stared for a while , seemingly considering whether or not to do the same , but instead , just hit the Mystic 's head with his own . After the Mock Turtle slammed his face into that of the Mystic , Gilbert slammed the Mystic right against a tree . The two bent their necks again to eat the other side of the mushroom , and they returned to their regular sizes to look over their opponent . ' You see ? ' said the Mystic , ' You knew about all these magical items , and yet you never shared . You chose to attack one of your own rather than the humans . Give me one of those mushrooms . ' Then came Greta . She dove from the trees and landed between Gilbert and the Mystic , disorientating the latter . ' Greta ! ' said Gilbert , ' What are you doing here ? ' ' Gideon woke me up , ' she said , ' he actually noticed you weren 't there . I tried to find another portal , just so I can see you weren 't trying to abandon us . ' She paused , taking a look at the mushroom in Gilbert 's claws . ' I saw you fighting the Mystic . ' |
This started out being a way to let family and friends keep up with the happenings in Alabama . In August of 2016 , we returned to our roots , retiring in the middle of Kansas . I 'd love to have you comment and come back often ! Last week my friend Tracy said they would be going shopping one day this week , and did I want to go ? Oh , YES ! I can 't tell you what that means to me , still not being able to drive and stuck home all week ! It gave me something to look forward to all week . She and daughter , Courtney , came by to get me yesterday afternoon . We took a trip to The Foundry . I had never been before but had heard of it . Their motto is " Where lives are shapped by the hand of God . " The Foundry is a Christian rescue mission and recovery center , and they have a superthrift outlet center that is the largest thrift store in Alabama . Their online site says , " What 's the secret to our success ? Quality products , low prices and attentive customer service . " I 've been to thrift stores before and usually find them very crowded and rather dirty . Not this place ! It was very clean , and the workers were very friendly and personable . You seldom find that in any store any more . It was really a pleasant shopping experience . I was in my wheelchair since I can 't yet stand for long periods of time , and it was easy to get down the nice wide aisles . I found the prices to be less than the Alabama Thrift Store , too . I went straight to the large men 's shirts . Where most of the shirts at the ATS are $ 2 . 99 and $ 3 . 99 and up , here most of them were $ 1 . 99 and $ 2 . 99 and up . I found a few for $ . 99 and some of * them * were even on sale . One I got for $ . 40 and another for $ . 74 ! I got all the bags below , and only paid $ 2 . 99 for one shirt . It was a 5X , so I splurged for that one since it had so much fabric in it . The rest were $ . 99 and $ 1 . 99 . HOWEVER , tonight as I pulled them all out of the bag to wash , I took a look at the receipt and noticed the first shirt listed was $ 6 . 99 ! ! What ? ? ? I couldn 't believe that . I just knew they had to have made a mistake . There was no way I 'd pay that much for any shirt . I went back through all the tags I 'd just thrown into the trash , and sure enough - there was a tag for $ 6 . 99 ! ! And I have no idea which shirt it even was . So all my careful sleuthing for bargains just went out the window paying that much for one shirt . When I checked out , I noticed the amount was more than it I thought it was going to be , but just figured I got a few more than I thought I had . Oh , well . I 'll have to be more careful next time . Any way , it was fun and I came home with a lot of cotton fabric . Cutting them up will keep me busy for several evenings . That was the fun part . . . . . . today was the not so fun part . It was my first physical therapy visit . Those people are so nice at Therapy South . It was all great right up to the last part where they put the electrodes on my foot and then put this wrap on it . The wrap got VERY cold and VERY tight . When he took it off , I could then see what was so uncomfortable . The little plastic pieces that hook to the electrodes were nearly embedded into the swollen part of my ankle . I hope next time they can somehow put those little plastic pieces on the outside of the wrap . I remember when I was going to PT back in November , the cold therapy at the end was just the worst ! I told Robert about my knee , and how I really needed it replaced . He agreed that I better get it done before the end of the year . He said he if I would work really hard on the foot exercises at home , I could come twice a week rather than 3 times , and that would save enough visits for me to come back after the knee surgery since Medicare only pays for X - number of days of PT in one year . I 'm really hoping I can get this done . I 'll bet the surgery schedules will explode during December with everyone trying to get their surgeries done . I better get mine scheduled way ahead of time . Robert is going to give me names of good knee doctors since I forgot to ask my doctor who he would recommend . Today , for the first time in a long time , I ventured out with my walker and boot into our screened - in porch . The fresh air felt so good . The weather has actually been pretty nice this week - little lower humidity . I sat in my favorite place - my porch swing . After retiring , I spent most spring and fall mornings out here , because it is just so peaceful . In previous years , Guy has aways put out hummingbird feeders right at this corner of the porch , and that has been so much fun to watch . But this year , for some reason , he just didn 't want to keep up with them . I 've seen a few , through the kitchen door occasionally , come around that hibiscus plant you can see there at the corner , which at the current time has no blooms on it . This morning I was finally able to get a shower and scrub that nasty leg and of mine . MAN , did that feel good ! When I got out and dried it off , I rolled enough dead skin off that thing , you would have thought someone had crawled into my trash can and died ! And there is still lots to go , but that is for another time . I lotioned it all up , and let it dry a bit before having to put on the support stocking . Whew ! That took a good bit of effort - made me break out in a sweat ! But I got it and got all the straps fastened on the boot , and I was ready for the day . It would sure be a lot easier to just reach for the wheelchair each time I have to get up to do anything . In some ways it is a lot easier , and certainly a lot faster . But I 'm forcing myself to use the walker or crutches . I 'm trying to figure out what I can use and get the most natural gait with . Believe it or not , it takes a good bit of concentration to walk as naturally as possible . I can 't put a lot of weight on that foot yet . I started out with Mom and Dad 's old walker . While it does have wheels on the front , with all the throw rugs we have in the house , you do have to pick it up a lot or the tennis balls on the back roll up the rugs . I can 't seem to get much of a natural gait going with it . So I asked Guy to get out another walker I had bought Mom - a Rollator . This seems to work better , and I can sit on the seat when I 'm wearing out - and it doesn 't take much ! Wow , I have so little stamina right now . Discouraging . . . . . I had high hopes of being able to use that rolling knee walker , but my knee just would not tolerate it for long . With its wide turning radius , it was difficult to maneuver easily in the kitchen . I hope I can sell it . The wheelchair is rented , so it will go back soon . I have a portable wheelchair stored upstairs , that I bought for Mom , but someone either has to push you , or you have to maneuver about using your legs , because the wheels are small . You can 't use your hands to propel yourself . I 've tried using the crutches a little more now , since getting on my feet . It seems that they might be the best to use since I seem to have the most natural gait with them . I just feel a little safer and more stable with the walker . Those crutches also were Mom and Dad 's . I knew that keeping all their equipment just might come in handy someday - and I was right ! Today was my much anticipated day . I had my orthopedic doctor 's appointment at 9 : 00 . All week I 've been dreaming about what it was going to be like out of this cast and in a boot . And then I would catch myself and say , " No , don 't get your hopes up . It just may not occur . You have to be prepared in case you come home with a cast . " So it has been a roller coaster week of emotions for me . As I was sitting in the waiting room , I found myself starting to get anxious . I checked FB , several times , just to pass the time and try not to think about it . FINALLY , they called me back . A man came into to remove the cast . It is such a weird feeling when that cast comes off . You feel like your leg is going to fall apart . The first thing I did was set about trying to remove some of that dead skin and scratch the itch ! He told me " those wipes there are to use on the leg when the cast comes off . " So after he left the room , I set about wiping and wiping . That didn 't remove much dead skin , so I opened another container and sneaked out some gauze . That was a little rougher , and did a better job . You just can 't imagine how good it feels to scratch / rub a leg that 's been in a cast for 10 weeks ! ! Every inch of your skin itches . I felt around on the bottom of my foot , and the only place that was fairly tender was right in the pad of the heel . That made me wonder how it was going to feel when I started walking on it . I noticed that the right leg has shrunk , too You can see how much more swollen one is , too . I wonder if there is any hope for this heel . It seemed forever before they took me to x - ray . Shortly after I got back to my room , a lady doctor came in and introduced herself to me - can 't remember her name , but she gave me the good news ! It was healing well , and someone would be in shortly to put on my boot . WOOOO HOOOO ! ! It was really happening ! ! ! ! No . more . cast ! ! ! ! I was having such a hard time containing myself , it was really hard to hear anything else she was saying . I asked her about physical therapy , and she said I wouldn 't really need it . She said not to worry about all this dead skin and not to try to take it all off at once , because it could cause an infection . In about a week of showering and applying lotion , it should a come off . And then she left ! Then Dr . Krauss came in . He said it was doing well , and I would be in the boot for three weeks . If at the end of 2 , I was doing well , I could go into a tennis shoe . He told me I should begin PT right away . I told him what the other doctor had said , and he said , " No , I want you to have PT . You 'll just recover faster if you do . " Then he said , " When you go to PT , make sure they only move your foot up and down , not rolling side to side . If they start to move to wrongly , you tell them to STOP and call me ! " He was very emphatic about that ! I assured him , I 'd follow those directions . He said to come back to see him in 3 weeks . I told him that we might be going to Kansas for an extended time , and he said that was OK ; I could do PT there . I was to not walk without the boot for these 3 weeks . I can shower and sleep without the boot . That will be so freeing to turn over in the night without lugging that cast over the pillow between by knees . He moved my foot up and down , and pushed here and there . It was kind of tender along the outside of the foot but he said everything looked good . Shortly after that , the cast man came in with this big black boot , putting all the many straps together . He said that I was to wear this white support stocking during the day , putting it on first thing in the morning , to keep the swelling down . There was an extra sock so I could wear one and wash one . He then showed me the best way to get the stocking on . It is hardest to get over the heel . I was kind of afraid it was going to hurt , but he seemed to put it on so easily . I 've worn support hose before , but they were very heavy and very tight , so maybe these won 't be as hard to get on . He asked me if Dr . Krauss had told me I could not drive . I told him , " No . I thought maybe I would be able to drive with my left foot . " He said , " It doesn 't matter what foot you use . If you drive with a boot on and have a car accident , your insurance is no good . " YIKES ! I did not know that ! ! Here I was planning to drive to my PT appointments . Now , that complicated matters . Well , that 's just something I 'll have to work out . He got the boot on and told me I should just go back to the wheelchair here in the office and wait to try it all out when I got home in familiar territory . I went to the front office to make my appointment and pick up the prescription for PT , and then we took off . Leisa was nearly as happy for me as I was . She 's been in my position with a broken foot before . As we started to leave the parking deck , I suddenly remember a very important question I was going to ask Dr . Krauss - if your wife needed to have her knee replaced , who would you send her to ? RATS ! I really wanted to ask him that ! I was just so excited to get rid of the cast , everything else went out the window ! I must remember to ask him when I go back . As Leisa dropped me off at my house , she said to call her for help getting to PT ; she would be happy to help . I told her that between her and my neighbor , we could probably work it out . My neighbor , Angie , has repeated told me that she would help get me to PT . Angie works at a preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays , so I called to ask her what hours would be best for her on Mondays or Wednesdays . She seemed just tickled to help . Maybe if Leisa can take me one day , and Angie can take me the other day , then Guy can take me on Fridays . I have to go 3 times a week for 4 weeks . I then called Therapy South , where I went before with my foot , and they are going to try to get me started on Friday . She said she would have to move some around and would let me know . If I didn 't get started Friday , I could start on Monday . I would like to get as many times in here as possible if we do go to Kansas . It will all depend on how I get along . After I got in the house , I got Mom and Dad 's walker that I had , and tried my new wings . It was not all that easy ! I can see that I 'll definitely need the assistance of the walker for awhile . It 's fairly tender along the outside of my foot , and that is the part that I 'm walking on since I no longer walk on a ( flattened ) arch . The other issue is my knee ! I can 't walk with it straightened out , and I found that it was subject to buckle on me at any moment . If only . . . . . if only . . . . . . my knee was OK . Oh , well , I just have to deal with it . I found I had to resort to my wheelchair while getting supper since I can 't stand for very long yet . But it feels so much more stable standing when I have both feet on the ground ! Just very thankful for this day ! 27 . Safety and protection over my grandsons during their soccer games . One of Dylan 's teammates , right in front of Dylan , went down going after a ball and suffered a compound fracture of his leg - 2 plates and pins . Praying for this youngster - and his dad who was sitting right next to Mark . Yesterday Guy drove me to Tuscaloosa - which is really nice of him since it is his day off , and he makes that drive Monday through Thursday to work there . One of my favorite quilt stores , Sew Delightful , is there . They recently moved from where they were to a new location ( actually just across the street ) , and this weekend was their grand reopening . The old location was broken up into rooms , and this place is all open on one big room . To tell you the truth , I was a bit disappointed . I think part of it was the fact that I was in my wheelchair , and I could not get down more than 4 short aisles . So there were some things that I couldn 't even get to to see . They were terribly nice and offered to get anything for me that I wanted , but it just wasn 't quite the same as being able to walk all around by yourself . In the old location , all the notions and thread were in one spot , and now they are kind of here and there . I think the inventory is not as large either . I did pick up some fabric to make the girls some cute little skirts , and they will look cute with some little T - shirts with matching embroidery . I 'm anxious to go back when I 'm on my feet and can move through all parts of the shop . It will probably look totally different to me then . Before we went to the quilt shop , we went to the Waysider for breakfast . It is a completely Alabama little hangout that is very popular . They have good old - fashioned breakfasts . By the time we got there , I was more than ready to eat . I actually had the shakes . I 'm used to eating pretty quickly after I get up in the mornings . After we finished at the quilt shop , we headed to - of course - Dreamland BBQ to eat lunch . We can 't seem to go to Tuscaloosa without eating there . We have a Dreamland in downtown Birmingham , but it 's just too much trouble to travel there , even though it is closer . We don 't go downtown unless we just have to . After we got home and rested a bit , we loaded up Annie and headed for Pet Smart to get Annie 's nails trimmed . Boy , they sure grow fast ! We bought a grinder shortly after we got her , but so far we 've never been able to hold her still enough to use it . This morning Guy took off early to go to his favorite store right now - Simmons Sporting Goods in Bessemer . He bought a pair of pants and a shirt . He also found some Merrils ridiculously on sale and picked up a pair of them . When he got home , he was showing me the shoes and noticed that he picked up the wrong size ! Bummer ! Our plans were to go downtown ( didn 't I just say we don 't go there unless we have to ? Oh , well . . . . ) to the Pepper Place Farmer 's Market . I 've been dying to go back there all summer . When it first opened this year , I had told the ladies at my favorite jewelry booth ( the same one I passed out at from the heat last year ) , they wouldn 't see me the rest of the summer because I was having surgery . We stopped by to pick up my sister on the way . The sidewalks were not exactly wheelchair friendly , but I made it around where I wanted to go . It was nice to see my jewelry ladies again . Needless to say , they have never forgotten me ! Their inventory was down a bit - I suppose it is nearing the end of their season , so I didn 't get anything this time . Plus , I just couldn 't get close enough to really take a good look at what they had . Their booth is up on a curbed area , so I couldn 't look at the sides of the booth . I was kind of looking for a necklace with a little owl on it that matched some earrings I got there . Neither Guy nor Colleen could see anything like what I was describing . So I just saved some money and moved on . I did find a nice big loaf of sourdough raisin bread that I couldn 't resist in the food area , though . After leaving there , we went straight to Bessemer so Guy could exchange his shoes for the proper size . That only took a few minutes , and by then it was lunch time . Well , if you are in Bessemer at meal time , there 's really only one place to eat , and that is the Bright Star . So guess where we ate ? The coconut pie was heavenly ! ! We finished up the day at home , except after supper , we went to grocery store . I got the fixings for salsa and made it with my Ninja . That was easy ! ! I probably hit it one too many times , because I like it a little chunkier , but it was good . Wonder if I 'll ever get this onion taste out of my mouth ? ! I woke up this morning at 4 : 24 and could not go back to sleep . For some reason , my wheels just began to turn and would not stop . I hate it when that happens . I often stir when Guy gets up about 4 : 30 , but usually have no trouble going back to sleep . But not this morning ! So I got up about 5 : 30 ( 2 - 3 hours earlier than usual ) and got my shower and washed my hair . After breakfast , I started on the laundry , and had 3 loads done by about 11 : 00 . Now , that 's good for me lately ! Of course I had to take a morning nap . : ) But that 's OK . It seems to be a normal happening for me any more - sit in the recliner - dose off ! It is T - minus 6 days and counting until the next doctor 's appointment when I see if the cast goes , and I get my boot . Hoping , hoping , hoping . . . . . . I 've been trying to use the knee scooter a little more to build up some strength in my hips , but it is just so uncomfortable on my right knee . I wish all I had to think about was my foot and getting it going again , but the " cloud of this knee " hangs heavily over my head all the time . ARGH ! Last evening for supper I made Pioneer Woman 's Simple Perfect Enchiladas and Garlic Lime Cilantro Rice . It turned out really well , and it was actually better today as warmed leftovers for lunch ! I love it when it turns out like that . More Gifts . . . . 17 . Dark chocolate ! ! ! 18 . Face - timing with the girls in their new dresses I made for them that just arrived today . They were beaming and told me what other colors they like and what designs they like on shirts . Now I must get busy ! : ) 16 . * Little * friends . Last week I visited at a friend 's home , and her 2 year old sat on my lap most of the morning , sharing her blankie with me . After lunch she fell asleep in my lap . For 37 years I held newborn babies in the hospital nursery . I just miss holding babies so much ! Yesterday we did some more running around . Guy rotated the tires on his pickup , and then we went to Kohl 's . I love Kohl 's . They have my style and fit of jeans and cropped pants . I love it when you find a particular brand that just fits . And it never hurts when they are on sale - a significant sale amount . And then it is a bonus when you can print another 15 % - off coupon ! It took a little effort to wheel down the narrow aisles , into the dressing room and try on numerous pants and tops . I often vacillate between 2 sizes , and right now , unfortunately , I 'm into the larger of the two . UGH ! I just can 't do anything to get this weight off right now . Well . . . . I could - I could eat like a mouse , but when I get back on my feet , I 'll be more motivated . Anyway , I was able to pick up a few things , and along with my coupon , I saved more than 2 times what I paid , PLUS another $ 50 ! Woo hoo ! ! Earlier in the day , while Guy was out , I needed a piece of red fabric . I didnt know for sure which piece of red fabric , but I knew I 'd know it when I saw it . That 's why I couldn 't just wait until he came home and ask him to get it for me . Honestly , there are very few things I could send Guy into my quilt room and have him actually find it . There are a few things in there that are organized in such a manner , but not many right now . I pretty much know where most things are , but couldn 't tell someone else . So I dragged myself up the stairs , along with my grab - it - stick ( just in case ) , down the hallway between bedrooms and into the hallway to the quilt room . In that quilt room hallway are some pieces of fabric , and ah HA , there was the exact fabric I needed ! However , the matching thread was still clear at the other end of the room , so I still had to scoot all that way . Thankfully , when Guy replaced two of the drawers of my thread a few weeks ago when I sent him after some colors , he didn 't put them back in the order they were in . As a result , the drawer with my reds and pinks was in a lower position , and I could actually reach it from the floor ! Otherwise , I would have been up a creek ! I forgot to take a plastic bag with me , so I stuck the red fabric to the leg of my pants , and stuffed 3 spools of thread in my pockets , and scooted off down the hallways . During the evening I made another pocket to go on a T - shirt I got some time ago . I really like the way this one turned out . Now I 'm really ready for some football ! ! Roll Tide Roll ! ! ! ! ! 12 . Church on Sunday . Love my Sunday school class , teacher ( a long - time friend ) , class members who are such wonderful friends . Love the worship part of the service - fabulous music , not just professional quality musicians ( which they are ) , but spirit - filled individuals . Love the preaching - fairly new pastor , but not a new preacher . He may be young , but his messages are Bible - filled and powerful . You can see who the guest executive chef was . During our meal , he came out into our room and inquired as to how the food was . The lady next to us raved about her turtle soup ! I noticed that she ooed and awed all the time she was eating it . Guy had Greek snapper and I had baked Greek chicken . Guy said his was the best he had eaten . Mine was delicious , too . I had enough chicken and baked potato left over to feed both of us tomorrow . For dessert we had the chef 's specialty , a mixture of fresh blueberries , strawberries , raspberries , and whole pecans in some kind of delicious syrup topped with butter pecan ice cream . Just as we were finishing our meal , we were surprised by a jazz trio - stringed bass , banjo , and trumpet . They were taking requests , so I asked for " When the Saints Go Marching In . " That was obviously a favorite of theirs . Click on the link below and listen to them . Listen also for a very pretty soprano voice in the background that began to harmonize during the song . She was the lady with the turtle soup . I heard her earlier talking with the man she was with something about " the date of her performance " and figured she must be a musician . 10 . My sister , Colleen . She is 5 years younger than me , and for most of her married life lived far away . She moved to Birmingham not long after Mom and Dad moved here , and was a HUGE help in sharing the load of caring for them . Colleen loves the Lord and loves to joke and laugh , and she is a very generous , selfless person who would give you the shirt off her back . We 've enjoyed reconnecting after all these years . 11 . My brother , Carl , was 8 years older than me and went to be with the Lord June 8 , 2012 . Carl was a devoted Christian , brother , husband , and father - such a caring , easy going person who also had a wonderful sense of humor . He was extremely talented with his hands and wood . He built many of the homes they lived in and a gorgeous sound booth in their church . Being with Carl just made you feel good ! And I never got to be with him enough . I miss him dearly ! ! gone on to Heaven , but they left a wonderful Godly heritage . They taught me from a young age to love the Lord . Every time the church door was open , we were went to high school together in a class of 14 . We 've been through thick and thin together for 45 years . I hope we can grow old together . Mark ( 1971 ) and Jeannine ( 1974 ) , and they are the delight of my life . I 'm so proud of both of them . Mark is an engineer and Jeannine has a degree grandchildren bring so much joy into my life . Mark has the 2 boys , and Jeannine has the 2 girls . Dylan ( 2001 ) is a tall , dark - haired handsome was born in Brazil and came to America to stay when he was about 2 . I hate that I missed his baby years . Chris loves to draw . He 's such a thoughtful , kind , and helpful is a dark - haired , dark brown - eyed , very petite sweet little girl . She is smart as a whip . She 's always been ahead of others her age embroidery , also , and incorporate it in my quilt making . Below is a quilt I made for the family of a 9 - 11 victim . You can read the story here . 911 Quilt I was looking through a drawer the other day and found my mother 's Bible . I took it out and gently turned the pages . I had not done this since she passed away in Sept . 2011 . Oh , what memories I held within my hands ! I want to share some pictures of her Bible with you . Here it is , and you can see that my mother was a faithful reader of the Word , because it is well worn . Many years ago , my parents asked each of us children what we wanted of their things when they were gone . Carl got to choose first , being the oldest , then me , then my sister . These requests were then put in their will . My first choice was Mom 's Bible . You can see that she then wrote that in one of the front pages . I don 't know how many times Mom had this Bible recovered - far too many for me to keep track of . In those days , when the cover fell off , you didn 't just go out and buy another Bible . The one you had was far too valuable to you to do that . She would take it to the Christian Supply store in Hutchinson , KS , about 30 miles south of where they lived in Little River . I don 't think they recovered them there , but probably sent it off . She always got a nice leather cover . In this picture , you can see after the last time it began to fall apart , she just took it upon herself to fix it . As Mom read her Bible she unlined , and oh , boy , did she underline ! I don 't think there is a page in the whole Bible that doesn 't have some underlining or a note she jotted down . The other thing she did on a regular basis was to write the date , passage , and preacher 's name beside the passage from which that sermon was preached . There are lots and lots of pastors and evangelists names on these pages ! ! I had to turn to this page , because I knew it would be highlighted . This was Mom 's all time favorite verse in the Bible - Romans 8 : 28 . I think it was the 2nd verse I memorized , right after John 3 : 16 . In the back of her Bible were several fly leaves - more than the usual Bible , because every time they recovered it , they would add more pages . She often took notes from the sermons on these pages . You can see she and Dad believed in tithing . ( Me , too ) They always said ( and I say it , too ) that 9 tenths goes farther than 10 tenths . I cannot explain that , except to say that it just works that way when you pay your tithe faithfully . Here you can see that she recorded when her parents passed away . I believe her parents were older when Mom was born . As I do the math here , I think her mom was 40 when my mom was born . So I was fairly young when they died - 8 when Grandma Carter died , and 10 when PopPa , as we called him , died . " Worry is like a rocking chair . It gives you something to do , but gets you no where . " ( Rev Lester Unruh , 1 / 26 / 64 ) Rev . Unruh was our pastor in the Nazarene church in Lyons , KS , the church where I grew up . I remember him so well , because he was there during my junior high school years and would some times officiate our girls ' basketball games . Here are some notes from Rev . Glen Dayton , dated 1966 . This was our pastor in Lyons while I was in high school and college and after Guy and I married . I lived with them for a short time when Guy went to Viet Nam . Guy and I were living out in the country on the farm when he was drafted into the Army . After he left for Viet Nam , I was working 3 - 11 at the Lyons hospital , and the Daytons said it was just too dangerous for me to be going home late at night , down a long dark driveway , to an empty dark house , and insisted that I stay with them - dear caring people , they were ! Today , I 'm friends on FB with their children . I just thought this was a cute saying Mom picked up in one of the revivals along the way . Also tucked among the pages was a drawing from our son , Mark , when he was in grade school . This was Charlie Brown , a beagle we had that got run over by the school bus one morning after stopping to pick up Mark . As a child , Mark would often sit in church and draw pictures . His favorite thing to draw was 18 - wheelers . ( And he was very good at it ! ) I was born and raised in Kansas . I lived there my first 40 years , then moved to Alabama for 26 + years before retiring and moving back home to Kansas . I taught maternity nursing for over 37 years , retiring June 1 , 2011 . My passion is quilting and , of course , my grandchildren . |
This started out being a way to let family and friends keep up with the happenings in Alabama . In August of 2016 , we returned to our roots , retiring in the middle of Kansas . I 'd love to have you comment and come back often ! Last week my friend Tracy said they would be going shopping one day this week , and did I want to go ? Oh , YES ! I can 't tell you what that means to me , still not being able to drive and stuck home all week ! It gave me something to look forward to all week . She and daughter , Courtney , came by to get me yesterday afternoon . We took a trip to The Foundry . I had never been before but had heard of it . Their motto is " Where lives are shapped by the hand of God . " The Foundry is a Christian rescue mission and recovery center , and they have a superthrift outlet center that is the largest thrift store in Alabama . Their online site says , " What 's the secret to our success ? Quality products , low prices and attentive customer service . " I 've been to thrift stores before and usually find them very crowded and rather dirty . Not this place ! It was very clean , and the workers were very friendly and personable . You seldom find that in any store any more . It was really a pleasant shopping experience . I was in my wheelchair since I can 't yet stand for long periods of time , and it was easy to get down the nice wide aisles . I found the prices to be less than the Alabama Thrift Store , too . I went straight to the large men 's shirts . Where most of the shirts at the ATS are $ 2 . 99 and $ 3 . 99 and up , here most of them were $ 1 . 99 and $ 2 . 99 and up . I found a few for $ . 99 and some of * them * were even on sale . One I got for $ . 40 and another for $ . 74 ! I got all the bags below , and only paid $ 2 . 99 for one shirt . It was a 5X , so I splurged for that one since it had so much fabric in it . The rest were $ . 99 and $ 1 . 99 . HOWEVER , tonight as I pulled them all out of the bag to wash , I took a look at the receipt and noticed the first shirt listed was $ 6 . 99 ! ! What ? ? ? I couldn 't believe that . I just knew they had to have made a mistake . There was no way I 'd pay that much for any shirt . I went back through all the tags I 'd just thrown into the trash , and sure enough - there was a tag for $ 6 . 99 ! ! And I have no idea which shirt it even was . So all my careful sleuthing for bargains just went out the window paying that much for one shirt . When I checked out , I noticed the amount was more than it I thought it was going to be , but just figured I got a few more than I thought I had . Oh , well . I 'll have to be more careful next time . Any way , it was fun and I came home with a lot of cotton fabric . Cutting them up will keep me busy for several evenings . That was the fun part . . . . . . today was the not so fun part . It was my first physical therapy visit . Those people are so nice at Therapy South . It was all great right up to the last part where they put the electrodes on my foot and then put this wrap on it . The wrap got VERY cold and VERY tight . When he took it off , I could then see what was so uncomfortable . The little plastic pieces that hook to the electrodes were nearly embedded into the swollen part of my ankle . I hope next time they can somehow put those little plastic pieces on the outside of the wrap . I remember when I was going to PT back in November , the cold therapy at the end was just the worst ! I told Robert about my knee , and how I really needed it replaced . He agreed that I better get it done before the end of the year . He said he if I would work really hard on the foot exercises at home , I could come twice a week rather than 3 times , and that would save enough visits for me to come back after the knee surgery since Medicare only pays for X - number of days of PT in one year . I 'm really hoping I can get this done . I 'll bet the surgery schedules will explode during December with everyone trying to get their surgeries done . I better get mine scheduled way ahead of time . Robert is going to give me names of good knee doctors since I forgot to ask my doctor who he would recommend . Today , for the first time in a long time , I ventured out with my walker and boot into our screened - in porch . The fresh air felt so good . The weather has actually been pretty nice this week - little lower humidity . I sat in my favorite place - my porch swing . After retiring , I spent most spring and fall mornings out here , because it is just so peaceful . In previous years , Guy has aways put out hummingbird feeders right at this corner of the porch , and that has been so much fun to watch . But this year , for some reason , he just didn 't want to keep up with them . I 've seen a few , through the kitchen door occasionally , come around that hibiscus plant you can see there at the corner , which at the current time has no blooms on it . This morning I was finally able to get a shower and scrub that nasty leg and of mine . MAN , did that feel good ! When I got out and dried it off , I rolled enough dead skin off that thing , you would have thought someone had crawled into my trash can and died ! And there is still lots to go , but that is for another time . I lotioned it all up , and let it dry a bit before having to put on the support stocking . Whew ! That took a good bit of effort - made me break out in a sweat ! But I got it and got all the straps fastened on the boot , and I was ready for the day . It would sure be a lot easier to just reach for the wheelchair each time I have to get up to do anything . In some ways it is a lot easier , and certainly a lot faster . But I 'm forcing myself to use the walker or crutches . I 'm trying to figure out what I can use and get the most natural gait with . Believe it or not , it takes a good bit of concentration to walk as naturally as possible . I can 't put a lot of weight on that foot yet . I started out with Mom and Dad 's old walker . While it does have wheels on the front , with all the throw rugs we have in the house , you do have to pick it up a lot or the tennis balls on the back roll up the rugs . I can 't seem to get much of a natural gait going with it . So I asked Guy to get out another walker I had bought Mom - a Rollator . This seems to work better , and I can sit on the seat when I 'm wearing out - and it doesn 't take much ! Wow , I have so little stamina right now . Discouraging . . . . . I had high hopes of being able to use that rolling knee walker , but my knee just would not tolerate it for long . With its wide turning radius , it was difficult to maneuver easily in the kitchen . I hope I can sell it . The wheelchair is rented , so it will go back soon . I have a portable wheelchair stored upstairs , that I bought for Mom , but someone either has to push you , or you have to maneuver about using your legs , because the wheels are small . You can 't use your hands to propel yourself . I 've tried using the crutches a little more now , since getting on my feet . It seems that they might be the best to use since I seem to have the most natural gait with them . I just feel a little safer and more stable with the walker . Those crutches also were Mom and Dad 's . I knew that keeping all their equipment just might come in handy someday - and I was right ! Today was my much anticipated day . I had my orthopedic doctor 's appointment at 9 : 00 . All week I 've been dreaming about what it was going to be like out of this cast and in a boot . And then I would catch myself and say , " No , don 't get your hopes up . It just may not occur . You have to be prepared in case you come home with a cast . " So it has been a roller coaster week of emotions for me . As I was sitting in the waiting room , I found myself starting to get anxious . I checked FB , several times , just to pass the time and try not to think about it . FINALLY , they called me back . A man came into to remove the cast . It is such a weird feeling when that cast comes off . You feel like your leg is going to fall apart . The first thing I did was set about trying to remove some of that dead skin and scratch the itch ! He told me " those wipes there are to use on the leg when the cast comes off . " So after he left the room , I set about wiping and wiping . That didn 't remove much dead skin , so I opened another container and sneaked out some gauze . That was a little rougher , and did a better job . You just can 't imagine how good it feels to scratch / rub a leg that 's been in a cast for 10 weeks ! ! Every inch of your skin itches . I felt around on the bottom of my foot , and the only place that was fairly tender was right in the pad of the heel . That made me wonder how it was going to feel when I started walking on it . I noticed that the right leg has shrunk , too You can see how much more swollen one is , too . I wonder if there is any hope for this heel . It seemed forever before they took me to x - ray . Shortly after I got back to my room , a lady doctor came in and introduced herself to me - can 't remember her name , but she gave me the good news ! It was healing well , and someone would be in shortly to put on my boot . WOOOO HOOOO ! ! It was really happening ! ! ! ! No . more . cast ! ! ! ! I was having such a hard time containing myself , it was really hard to hear anything else she was saying . I asked her about physical therapy , and she said I wouldn 't really need it . She said not to worry about all this dead skin and not to try to take it all off at once , because it could cause an infection . In about a week of showering and applying lotion , it should a come off . And then she left ! Then Dr . Krauss came in . He said it was doing well , and I would be in the boot for three weeks . If at the end of 2 , I was doing well , I could go into a tennis shoe . He told me I should begin PT right away . I told him what the other doctor had said , and he said , " No , I want you to have PT . You 'll just recover faster if you do . " Then he said , " When you go to PT , make sure they only move your foot up and down , not rolling side to side . If they start to move to wrongly , you tell them to STOP and call me ! " He was very emphatic about that ! I assured him , I 'd follow those directions . He said to come back to see him in 3 weeks . I told him that we might be going to Kansas for an extended time , and he said that was OK ; I could do PT there . I was to not walk without the boot for these 3 weeks . I can shower and sleep without the boot . That will be so freeing to turn over in the night without lugging that cast over the pillow between by knees . He moved my foot up and down , and pushed here and there . It was kind of tender along the outside of the foot but he said everything looked good . Shortly after that , the cast man came in with this big black boot , putting all the many straps together . He said that I was to wear this white support stocking during the day , putting it on first thing in the morning , to keep the swelling down . There was an extra sock so I could wear one and wash one . He then showed me the best way to get the stocking on . It is hardest to get over the heel . I was kind of afraid it was going to hurt , but he seemed to put it on so easily . I 've worn support hose before , but they were very heavy and very tight , so maybe these won 't be as hard to get on . He asked me if Dr . Krauss had told me I could not drive . I told him , " No . I thought maybe I would be able to drive with my left foot . " He said , " It doesn 't matter what foot you use . If you drive with a boot on and have a car accident , your insurance is no good . " YIKES ! I did not know that ! ! Here I was planning to drive to my PT appointments . Now , that complicated matters . Well , that 's just something I 'll have to work out . He got the boot on and told me I should just go back to the wheelchair here in the office and wait to try it all out when I got home in familiar territory . I went to the front office to make my appointment and pick up the prescription for PT , and then we took off . Leisa was nearly as happy for me as I was . She 's been in my position with a broken foot before . As we started to leave the parking deck , I suddenly remember a very important question I was going to ask Dr . Krauss - if your wife needed to have her knee replaced , who would you send her to ? RATS ! I really wanted to ask him that ! I was just so excited to get rid of the cast , everything else went out the window ! I must remember to ask him when I go back . As Leisa dropped me off at my house , she said to call her for help getting to PT ; she would be happy to help . I told her that between her and my neighbor , we could probably work it out . My neighbor , Angie , has repeated told me that she would help get me to PT . Angie works at a preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays , so I called to ask her what hours would be best for her on Mondays or Wednesdays . She seemed just tickled to help . Maybe if Leisa can take me one day , and Angie can take me the other day , then Guy can take me on Fridays . I have to go 3 times a week for 4 weeks . I then called Therapy South , where I went before with my foot , and they are going to try to get me started on Friday . She said she would have to move some around and would let me know . If I didn 't get started Friday , I could start on Monday . I would like to get as many times in here as possible if we do go to Kansas . It will all depend on how I get along . After I got in the house , I got Mom and Dad 's walker that I had , and tried my new wings . It was not all that easy ! I can see that I 'll definitely need the assistance of the walker for awhile . It 's fairly tender along the outside of my foot , and that is the part that I 'm walking on since I no longer walk on a ( flattened ) arch . The other issue is my knee ! I can 't walk with it straightened out , and I found that it was subject to buckle on me at any moment . If only . . . . . if only . . . . . . my knee was OK . Oh , well , I just have to deal with it . I found I had to resort to my wheelchair while getting supper since I can 't stand for very long yet . But it feels so much more stable standing when I have both feet on the ground ! Just very thankful for this day ! 27 . Safety and protection over my grandsons during their soccer games . One of Dylan 's teammates , right in front of Dylan , went down going after a ball and suffered a compound fracture of his leg - 2 plates and pins . Praying for this youngster - and his dad who was sitting right next to Mark . Yesterday Guy drove me to Tuscaloosa - which is really nice of him since it is his day off , and he makes that drive Monday through Thursday to work there . One of my favorite quilt stores , Sew Delightful , is there . They recently moved from where they were to a new location ( actually just across the street ) , and this weekend was their grand reopening . The old location was broken up into rooms , and this place is all open on one big room . To tell you the truth , I was a bit disappointed . I think part of it was the fact that I was in my wheelchair , and I could not get down more than 4 short aisles . So there were some things that I couldn 't even get to to see . They were terribly nice and offered to get anything for me that I wanted , but it just wasn 't quite the same as being able to walk all around by yourself . In the old location , all the notions and thread were in one spot , and now they are kind of here and there . I think the inventory is not as large either . I did pick up some fabric to make the girls some cute little skirts , and they will look cute with some little T - shirts with matching embroidery . I 'm anxious to go back when I 'm on my feet and can move through all parts of the shop . It will probably look totally different to me then . Before we went to the quilt shop , we went to the Waysider for breakfast . It is a completely Alabama little hangout that is very popular . They have good old - fashioned breakfasts . By the time we got there , I was more than ready to eat . I actually had the shakes . I 'm used to eating pretty quickly after I get up in the mornings . After we finished at the quilt shop , we headed to - of course - Dreamland BBQ to eat lunch . We can 't seem to go to Tuscaloosa without eating there . We have a Dreamland in downtown Birmingham , but it 's just too much trouble to travel there , even though it is closer . We don 't go downtown unless we just have to . After we got home and rested a bit , we loaded up Annie and headed for Pet Smart to get Annie 's nails trimmed . Boy , they sure grow fast ! We bought a grinder shortly after we got her , but so far we 've never been able to hold her still enough to use it . This morning Guy took off early to go to his favorite store right now - Simmons Sporting Goods in Bessemer . He bought a pair of pants and a shirt . He also found some Merrils ridiculously on sale and picked up a pair of them . When he got home , he was showing me the shoes and noticed that he picked up the wrong size ! Bummer ! Our plans were to go downtown ( didn 't I just say we don 't go there unless we have to ? Oh , well . . . . ) to the Pepper Place Farmer 's Market . I 've been dying to go back there all summer . When it first opened this year , I had told the ladies at my favorite jewelry booth ( the same one I passed out at from the heat last year ) , they wouldn 't see me the rest of the summer because I was having surgery . We stopped by to pick up my sister on the way . The sidewalks were not exactly wheelchair friendly , but I made it around where I wanted to go . It was nice to see my jewelry ladies again . Needless to say , they have never forgotten me ! Their inventory was down a bit - I suppose it is nearing the end of their season , so I didn 't get anything this time . Plus , I just couldn 't get close enough to really take a good look at what they had . Their booth is up on a curbed area , so I couldn 't look at the sides of the booth . I was kind of looking for a necklace with a little owl on it that matched some earrings I got there . Neither Guy nor Colleen could see anything like what I was describing . So I just saved some money and moved on . I did find a nice big loaf of sourdough raisin bread that I couldn 't resist in the food area , though . After leaving there , we went straight to Bessemer so Guy could exchange his shoes for the proper size . That only took a few minutes , and by then it was lunch time . Well , if you are in Bessemer at meal time , there 's really only one place to eat , and that is the Bright Star . So guess where we ate ? The coconut pie was heavenly ! ! We finished up the day at home , except after supper , we went to grocery store . I got the fixings for salsa and made it with my Ninja . That was easy ! ! I probably hit it one too many times , because I like it a little chunkier , but it was good . Wonder if I 'll ever get this onion taste out of my mouth ? ! I woke up this morning at 4 : 24 and could not go back to sleep . For some reason , my wheels just began to turn and would not stop . I hate it when that happens . I often stir when Guy gets up about 4 : 30 , but usually have no trouble going back to sleep . But not this morning ! So I got up about 5 : 30 ( 2 - 3 hours earlier than usual ) and got my shower and washed my hair . After breakfast , I started on the laundry , and had 3 loads done by about 11 : 00 . Now , that 's good for me lately ! Of course I had to take a morning nap . : ) But that 's OK . It seems to be a normal happening for me any more - sit in the recliner - dose off ! It is T - minus 6 days and counting until the next doctor 's appointment when I see if the cast goes , and I get my boot . Hoping , hoping , hoping . . . . . . I 've been trying to use the knee scooter a little more to build up some strength in my hips , but it is just so uncomfortable on my right knee . I wish all I had to think about was my foot and getting it going again , but the " cloud of this knee " hangs heavily over my head all the time . ARGH ! Last evening for supper I made Pioneer Woman 's Simple Perfect Enchiladas and Garlic Lime Cilantro Rice . It turned out really well , and it was actually better today as warmed leftovers for lunch ! I love it when it turns out like that . More Gifts . . . . 17 . Dark chocolate ! ! ! 18 . Face - timing with the girls in their new dresses I made for them that just arrived today . They were beaming and told me what other colors they like and what designs they like on shirts . Now I must get busy ! : ) 16 . * Little * friends . Last week I visited at a friend 's home , and her 2 year old sat on my lap most of the morning , sharing her blankie with me . After lunch she fell asleep in my lap . For 37 years I held newborn babies in the hospital nursery . I just miss holding babies so much ! Yesterday we did some more running around . Guy rotated the tires on his pickup , and then we went to Kohl 's . I love Kohl 's . They have my style and fit of jeans and cropped pants . I love it when you find a particular brand that just fits . And it never hurts when they are on sale - a significant sale amount . And then it is a bonus when you can print another 15 % - off coupon ! It took a little effort to wheel down the narrow aisles , into the dressing room and try on numerous pants and tops . I often vacillate between 2 sizes , and right now , unfortunately , I 'm into the larger of the two . UGH ! I just can 't do anything to get this weight off right now . Well . . . . I could - I could eat like a mouse , but when I get back on my feet , I 'll be more motivated . Anyway , I was able to pick up a few things , and along with my coupon , I saved more than 2 times what I paid , PLUS another $ 50 ! Woo hoo ! ! Earlier in the day , while Guy was out , I needed a piece of red fabric . I didnt know for sure which piece of red fabric , but I knew I 'd know it when I saw it . That 's why I couldn 't just wait until he came home and ask him to get it for me . Honestly , there are very few things I could send Guy into my quilt room and have him actually find it . There are a few things in there that are organized in such a manner , but not many right now . I pretty much know where most things are , but couldn 't tell someone else . So I dragged myself up the stairs , along with my grab - it - stick ( just in case ) , down the hallway between bedrooms and into the hallway to the quilt room . In that quilt room hallway are some pieces of fabric , and ah HA , there was the exact fabric I needed ! However , the matching thread was still clear at the other end of the room , so I still had to scoot all that way . Thankfully , when Guy replaced two of the drawers of my thread a few weeks ago when I sent him after some colors , he didn 't put them back in the order they were in . As a result , the drawer with my reds and pinks was in a lower position , and I could actually reach it from the floor ! Otherwise , I would have been up a creek ! I forgot to take a plastic bag with me , so I stuck the red fabric to the leg of my pants , and stuffed 3 spools of thread in my pockets , and scooted off down the hallways . During the evening I made another pocket to go on a T - shirt I got some time ago . I really like the way this one turned out . Now I 'm really ready for some football ! ! Roll Tide Roll ! ! ! ! ! 12 . Church on Sunday . Love my Sunday school class , teacher ( a long - time friend ) , class members who are such wonderful friends . Love the worship part of the service - fabulous music , not just professional quality musicians ( which they are ) , but spirit - filled individuals . Love the preaching - fairly new pastor , but not a new preacher . He may be young , but his messages are Bible - filled and powerful . You can see who the guest executive chef was . During our meal , he came out into our room and inquired as to how the food was . The lady next to us raved about her turtle soup ! I noticed that she ooed and awed all the time she was eating it . Guy had Greek snapper and I had baked Greek chicken . Guy said his was the best he had eaten . Mine was delicious , too . I had enough chicken and baked potato left over to feed both of us tomorrow . For dessert we had the chef 's specialty , a mixture of fresh blueberries , strawberries , raspberries , and whole pecans in some kind of delicious syrup topped with butter pecan ice cream . Just as we were finishing our meal , we were surprised by a jazz trio - stringed bass , banjo , and trumpet . They were taking requests , so I asked for " When the Saints Go Marching In . " That was obviously a favorite of theirs . Click on the link below and listen to them . Listen also for a very pretty soprano voice in the background that began to harmonize during the song . She was the lady with the turtle soup . I heard her earlier talking with the man she was with something about " the date of her performance " and figured she must be a musician . 10 . My sister , Colleen . She is 5 years younger than me , and for most of her married life lived far away . She moved to Birmingham not long after Mom and Dad moved here , and was a HUGE help in sharing the load of caring for them . Colleen loves the Lord and loves to joke and laugh , and she is a very generous , selfless person who would give you the shirt off her back . We 've enjoyed reconnecting after all these years . 11 . My brother , Carl , was 8 years older than me and went to be with the Lord June 8 , 2012 . Carl was a devoted Christian , brother , husband , and father - such a caring , easy going person who also had a wonderful sense of humor . He was extremely talented with his hands and wood . He built many of the homes they lived in and a gorgeous sound booth in their church . Being with Carl just made you feel good ! And I never got to be with him enough . I miss him dearly ! ! gone on to Heaven , but they left a wonderful Godly heritage . They taught me from a young age to love the Lord . Every time the church door was open , we were went to high school together in a class of 14 . We 've been through thick and thin together for 45 years . I hope we can grow old together . Mark ( 1971 ) and Jeannine ( 1974 ) , and they are the delight of my life . I 'm so proud of both of them . Mark is an engineer and Jeannine has a degree grandchildren bring so much joy into my life . Mark has the 2 boys , and Jeannine has the 2 girls . Dylan ( 2001 ) is a tall , dark - haired handsome was born in Brazil and came to America to stay when he was about 2 . I hate that I missed his baby years . Chris loves to draw . He 's such a thoughtful , kind , and helpful is a dark - haired , dark brown - eyed , very petite sweet little girl . She is smart as a whip . She 's always been ahead of others her age embroidery , also , and incorporate it in my quilt making . Below is a quilt I made for the family of a 9 - 11 victim . You can read the story here . 911 Quilt I was looking through a drawer the other day and found my mother 's Bible . I took it out and gently turned the pages . I had not done this since she passed away in Sept . 2011 . Oh , what memories I held within my hands ! I want to share some pictures of her Bible with you . Here it is , and you can see that my mother was a faithful reader of the Word , because it is well worn . Many years ago , my parents asked each of us children what we wanted of their things when they were gone . Carl got to choose first , being the oldest , then me , then my sister . These requests were then put in their will . My first choice was Mom 's Bible . You can see that she then wrote that in one of the front pages . I don 't know how many times Mom had this Bible recovered - far too many for me to keep track of . In those days , when the cover fell off , you didn 't just go out and buy another Bible . The one you had was far too valuable to you to do that . She would take it to the Christian Supply store in Hutchinson , KS , about 30 miles south of where they lived in Little River . I don 't think they recovered them there , but probably sent it off . She always got a nice leather cover . In this picture , you can see after the last time it began to fall apart , she just took it upon herself to fix it . As Mom read her Bible she unlined , and oh , boy , did she underline ! I don 't think there is a page in the whole Bible that doesn 't have some underlining or a note she jotted down . The other thing she did on a regular basis was to write the date , passage , and preacher 's name beside the passage from which that sermon was preached . There are lots and lots of pastors and evangelists names on these pages ! ! I had to turn to this page , because I knew it would be highlighted . This was Mom 's all time favorite verse in the Bible - Romans 8 : 28 . I think it was the 2nd verse I memorized , right after John 3 : 16 . In the back of her Bible were several fly leaves - more than the usual Bible , because every time they recovered it , they would add more pages . She often took notes from the sermons on these pages . You can see she and Dad believed in tithing . ( Me , too ) They always said ( and I say it , too ) that 9 tenths goes farther than 10 tenths . I cannot explain that , except to say that it just works that way when you pay your tithe faithfully . Here you can see that she recorded when her parents passed away . I believe her parents were older when Mom was born . As I do the math here , I think her mom was 40 when my mom was born . So I was fairly young when they died - 8 when Grandma Carter died , and 10 when PopPa , as we called him , died . " Worry is like a rocking chair . It gives you something to do , but gets you no where . " ( Rev Lester Unruh , 1 / 26 / 64 ) Rev . Unruh was our pastor in the Nazarene church in Lyons , KS , the church where I grew up . I remember him so well , because he was there during my junior high school years and would some times officiate our girls ' basketball games . Here are some notes from Rev . Glen Dayton , dated 1966 . This was our pastor in Lyons while I was in high school and college and after Guy and I married . I lived with them for a short time when Guy went to Viet Nam . Guy and I were living out in the country on the farm when he was drafted into the Army . After he left for Viet Nam , I was working 3 - 11 at the Lyons hospital , and the Daytons said it was just too dangerous for me to be going home late at night , down a long dark driveway , to an empty dark house , and insisted that I stay with them - dear caring people , they were ! Today , I 'm friends on FB with their children . I just thought this was a cute saying Mom picked up in one of the revivals along the way . Also tucked among the pages was a drawing from our son , Mark , when he was in grade school . This was Charlie Brown , a beagle we had that got run over by the school bus one morning after stopping to pick up Mark . As a child , Mark would often sit in church and draw pictures . His favorite thing to draw was 18 - wheelers . ( And he was very good at it ! ) I was born and raised in Kansas . I lived there my first 40 years , then moved to Alabama for 26 + years before retiring and moving back home to Kansas . I taught maternity nursing for over 37 years , retiring June 1 , 2011 . My passion is quilting and , of course , my grandchildren . |
Because of his name and his curly hair and his deeply sculpted features , he was often assumed to be a mixed - blood child . This was just after the war , when there were lots of children around whose blood was half American G . I . But Tony Takitani 's mother and father were both one - hundred - per - cent genuine Japanese . His father , Shozaburo Takitani , had been a fairly successful jazz trombonist , but four years before the Second World War broke out he was forced to leave Tokyo because of a problem involving a woman . If he had to leave town , he figured , he might as well really leave , so he crossed over to China with nothing but his trombone in hand . In those days , Shanghai was just a day 's boat ride from Nagasaki . Shozaburo owned nothing in Tokyo - or anywhere else in Japan - that he would hate to lose . He left without regrets . If anything , he suspected , Shanghai , with its well - crafted enticements , would be better suited to his personality than Tokyo was . He was standing on the deck of a boat plowing its way up the Yangtze River the first time he saw Shanghai 's elegant avenues glowing in the morning sun , and that did it . The light seemed to promise him a future of tremendous brightness . He was twenty - one years old . And so he took it easy through the upheaval of the war - from the Japanese invasion of China to the attack on Pearl Harbor to the dropping of two atomic bombs . He played his trombone in Shanghai night clubs as the struggles took place somewhere far away . Shozaburo Takitani was a man who possessed not the slightest inclination to influence - or even to reflect upon - history . He wanted nothing more than to be able to play his trombone , eat three meals a day , and have a few women nearby . He was simultaneously modest and arrogant . Deeply self - centered , he nevertheless treated those around him with kindness and good feeling , which is why most people liked him . Young , handsome , and a talented musician , he stood out wherever he went like a crow on a snowy day . He slept with more women than he could count . Japanese , Chinese , White Russians , whores , married women , gorgeous girls , and girls who were not so gorgeous : he did it with anyone he could get his hands on . Before long , his super - sweet trombone and his super - active giant penis had made him a Shanghai sensation . Shozaburo was also blessed - though he did not realize it - with a talent for making " useful " friends . He was on good terms with high - ranking Army officers , millionaires , and various influential types who were reaping gigantic profits from the war through obscure channels . A lot of them carried pistols under their jackets and never exited a building without giving the street a quick scan right and left . For some reason , Shozaburo Takitani and they just " clicked . " And they took special care of him whenever problems came up . But talent can sometimes work against you . When the war ended , Shozaburo 's connections won him the attention of the Chinese Army , and he was locked up for a long time . Day after day , others who had been imprisoned for similar reasons were taken out of their cells and executed without a trial . Guards would just appear , drag them into the prison yard , and blow their brains out with automatic pistols . Shozaburo assumed that he would die in prison . But the prospect of death did not frighten him greatly . They would put a bullet through his brain , and it would be all over . A split second of pain . I 've lived the way I wanted to all these years , he thought . I 've slept with tons of women . I 've eaten a lot of good food , and had a lot of good times . There isn 't so much in life that I 'm sorry I missed . Besides , I 'm not in any position to complain about being killed . It 's just the way it goes . Hundreds of thousands of Japanese have died in this war , and many of them in far more terrible ways . As he waited , Shozaburo watched the clouds drift by the bars of his tiny window and painted mental pictures on his cell 's filthy walls of the faces and bodies of the women he had slept with . In the end , though , he turned out to be one of only two Japanese prisoners to leave the prison alive and go home to Japan . By that time , the other man , a high - ranking officer , had nearly lost his mind . Shozaburo stood on the deck of the boat , and as he watched the avenues of Shanghai shrinking away in the distance he thought , Life : I 'll never understand it . Emaciated , with no possessions to speak of , Shozaburo Takitani came back to Japan in the spring of 1946 , nine months after the war had ended . He discovered that his parents ' house had burned down in the great Tokyo air raid of March , 1945 , and they were dead . His only brother had disappeared without a trace on the Burmese front . In other words , Shozaburo was now alone in the world . This was not a great shock to him , however ; nor did it make him feel particularly sad . He did , of course , experience some sense of absence , but he was convinced that everyone ended up alone sooner or later . He was in his thirties , and beyond the age for complaining about loneliness . He felt as if he had suddenly aged several years at once . But that was all . No further emotion welled up inside him . Because he knew only one line of work , he hunted up some of his old buddies and put together a little jazz band that started playing at the American military bases . His talent for making contacts won him the friendship of a jazz - loving American Army major , an Italian - American from New Jersey who played a mean clarinet himself . The two of them often jammed together in their spare time . An officer in the Quartermaster Corps , the major could get all the records he wanted , straight from the United States , and Shozaburo would go to the major 's quarters and listen to the happy jazz of Bobby Hackett , Jack Teagarden , and Benny Goodman , teaching himself as many of their licks as he could . The major supplied him with all kinds of food and milk and liquor , which were difficult to get ahold of in those days . Not bad , Shozaburo thought , not a bad time to be alive . In 1947 , he married a distant cousin on his mother 's side . They happened to run into each other one day on the street and , over tea , shared news of their relatives and talked about the old days . Before long they ended up living together - probably because she had become pregnant . At least , that was the way that Tony Takitani heard it from his father . His mother was a pretty girl , and quiet , but not very healthy . She gave birth to Tony the year after she was married , and three days later she died . Just like that . And just like that she was cremated , quickly and quietly . She had experienced no great complications and no suffering to speak of . She just faded into nothingness , as if someone had gone backstage and flicked a switch . Shozaburo Takitani had no idea how he was supposed to feel about this . He was a stranger to such emotions . He could not seem to grasp with any precision what death was all about , nor could he come to any conclusion regarding what this particular death meant for him . All he could do was swallow it whole , as a fait accompli . And so he came to feel that some kind of flat , disklike thing had lodged itself in his chest . What it was , or why it was there , he couldn 't say . The object simply stayed in place and blocked him from thinking any more about what had happened . He thought about nothing at all for a full week after his wife died . He even forgot about the baby that he had left in the hospital . The major took Shozaburo under his wing and did all he could to console him . They drank together at the base nearly every day . " You 've got to get ahold of yourself , " the major would tell Shozaburo . " The one thing you absolutely have to do is bring that boy up right . " The words meant nothing to Shozaburo , who merely nodded in silence . " Hey , I know , " the major added suddenly one day . " Why don 't you let me be the boy 's godfather ? I 'll give him a name . " Oh , Shozaburo thought , he had forgotten to give the baby a name . The major suggested his own first name - Tony . Tony was no name for a Japanese child , of course , but such a thought never crossed the major 's mind . When Shozaburo got home , he wrote the name Tony Takitani on a piece of paper and stuck it to the wall . He stared at it for the next several days . Tony Takitani . Not bad . Not bad . The American occupation of Japan was probably going to last awhile , he thought , and an American - style name just might come in handy for the kid at some point . For the child himself , though , living with a name like that was not much fun . The other kids at school called him a " half - breed , " and whenever he told people his name they responded with a look of puzzlement or distaste . Some people thought it was a bad joke , and others reacted with anger . For certain people , coming face to face with a child called Tony Takitani was all it took to reopen old wounds . Such experiences served only to close the boy off from the world . He never made any close friends , but this did not cause him pain . He found it natural to be by himself : it was a kind of premise for living . His father was always travelling with the band , and when Tony was little a housekeeper had come to take care of him during the day . But by the time he was in his last years at elementary school , he could manage without her . He cooked for himself , locked up at night , and slept alone . This seemed preferable to having someone fussing over him all the time . Shozaburo Takitani never married again . He had plenty of girlfriends , of course , but he didn 't bring any of them to the house . Like his son , he was used to taking care of himself . Father and son were not as different from each other as one might imagine . But , being the kind of people they were , imbued to an equal degree with a habitual solitude , neither took the initiative to open his heart to the other . Neither felt a need to do so . Shozaburo Takitani was not well suited to being a father , and Tony Takitani was not well suited to being a son . Tony Takitani loved to draw , and he spent hours every day shut up in his room , doing just that . He especially loved to draw pictures of machines . Keeping his pencil needle - sharp , he would produce clear , accurate , and highly detailed drawings of bicycles , radios , engines , and the like . If he drew a plant , he would capture every vein in every leaf . It was the only way he knew how to draw . His grades in art , unlike those in other subjects , were always outstanding , and he usually won first prize in school art contests . So it was perfectly natural for Tony Takitani to go from high school to art school to a career as an illustrator . There was never any need for him to consider other possibilities . While the young people around him were agonizing over the paths they should follow in life , he went on doing his mechanical drawings without a thought for anything else . And , because it was a time when most young people were acting out against the establishment with passion and violence , none of his contemporaries saw anything of value in his utilitarian art . His art - school professors viewed his work with twisted smiles . His classmates criticized it as lacking in ideological content . Tony himself could not see what was so great about their work , with its ideological content . To him it looked immature , ugly , and inaccurate . Once he graduated from college , though , everything changed for him . Thanks to the extreme practicality of his realistic technique , Tony Takitani never had a problem finding work . No one could match the precision with which he drew complicated machines and architecture . " They look realer than the real thing , " everyone said . His sketches were more detailed than photographs , and they had a clarity that made any explanation a waste of words . All of a sudden , he was the one illustrator everybody had to have . And he took on everything - from the covers of automobile magazines to advertising illustrations . He enjoyed the work , and he made good money . Without any hobbies to drain his resources , he managed by the time he was thirty - five to amass a small fortune . He bought a big house in Setagaya , an affluent Tokyo suburb , and he owned several apartments that brought him rental income . His accountant took care of all the details . By this point in his life , Tony had been involved with several different women . He had even lived with one of them , for a short time . But he had never considered marriage , had never seen a need for it . Cooking , cleaning , and laundry he could manage for himself , and when his work interfered with those things he hired a housekeeper . He never felt a desire to have children . He lacked his father 's special charm , and he had no real friends of the kind who would come to him for advice or to confess secrets , not even one to drink with . But he had perfectly normal relationships with people he saw on a daily basis . There was nothing arrogant or boastful about him . He never made excuses for himself or spoke slightingly of others , and just about everybody who knew him liked him . He saw his father no more than once every two or three years , on some matter of business . When the business was over , neither man had much to say to the other . Thus , Tony Takitani 's life went by , quietly and calmly . Then one day , without the slightest warning , Tony Takitani fell in love . She worked part time for a publishing company , and she came to his office to pick up an illustration . Twenty - two years old , she was a demure girl with a gentle smile . Her features were pleasant enough but , objectively speaking , she was no great beauty . Still , there was something about her that gave Tony Takitani 's heart a violent punch . The moment he first saw her , his chest tightened , and he could hardly breathe . Not even he could say what it was about her that had struck him with such force . The next thing that caught his attention was her clothes . He generally took no particular interest in what people wore , but there was something so wonderful about the way this girl dressed that it made a deep impression on him ; indeed , one could even say it moved him . There were plenty of women around who dressed elegantly , and plenty more who dressed to impress , but this girl was different . Utterly different . She wore her clothes with such naturalness and grace that she could have been a bird that had enveloped itself in a special wind as it prepared to fly off to another world . He had never seen a woman wear her clothes with such apparent joy . The next day , he phoned the publisher and found some pretext to have her come to his office again . When their business was finished , he invited her to lunch . They made small talk as they ate . Though they were fifteen years apart in age , they found they had much in common , almost strangely so . They agreed on every topic . He had never had such an experience before , and neither had she . She was a little nervous at first , but she gradually relaxed , until she was laughing and talking freely . They went on a few dates after that . They didn 't go anywhere in particular , just found quiet places to sit and talk for hours - about their pasts , about their work , about the way they thought or felt about this or that . They never seemed to tire of talking . It was as if they were filling up each other 's emptiness . The fifth time they met , he asked her to marry him . But she had a boyfriend she had been seeing since high school . The relationship had become less than ideal with the passage of time , she admitted , and now they seemed to fight about the stupidest things whenever they met . In fact , seeing him was nowhere near as free and fun as seeing Tony Takitani , but , still , that didn 't mean that she could simply break it off . She had her reasons , whatever they were . And , besides , there was that fifteen - year difference in age . She was still young and inexperienced . She wondered what that age gap might mean to them in the future . She said she wanted time to think . Each day that she spent thinking was another day in hell for Tony Takitani . He couldn 't work . He drank , alone . Suddenly , his solitude became a crushing weight , a source of agony , a prison . I just never noticed it before , he thought . With despairing eyes , he stared at the thick , cold walls surrounding him and thought , If she says she doesn 't want to marry me , I might just kill myself . He went to see her and told her exactly how he felt . How lonely his life had been until then . How much he had lost over the years . How she had made him realize all that . She was an intelligent young woman . She had come to like this Tony Takitani . She had thought well of him from the start , and each meeting had only made her like him more . Whether she could call this " love " she didn 't know . But she felt that he had something wonderful inside , and that she would be happy if she made her life with him . And so they married . By marrying her , Tony Takitani brought the lonely period of his life to an end . When he awoke in the morning , the first thing he did was look for her . When he found her sleeping next to him , he felt relief . When she wasn 't there , he felt anxious and searched the house for her . There was something odd for him about not feeling lonely . The very fact that he had ceased to be lonely caused him to fear the possibility of becoming lonely again . The question haunted him : What would he do ? Sometimes this fear would make him break out in a cold sweat . As he became used to his new life , though , and the possibility of his wife 's suddenly disappearing seemed to lessen , the anxiety gradually eased . In the end , he settled down and wrapped himself in his new and peaceful happiness . They went to a Ginza night club where Shozaburo Takitani was performing . This was the first time that Tony Takitani had gone to hear his father play since childhood . Shozaburo was playing exactly the same music he had played in the old days , the same songs that Tony had heard so often on records when he was a boy . Shozaburo 's style was smooth , elegant , sweet . It was not art , but it was music made by the skillful hand of a professional , and it could put a crowd in a good mood . Soon , however , something began to constrict Tony Takitani 's breathing , as though he were a narrow pipe that was filling quietly , but inexorably , with sludge , and he found it difficult to remain seated . He couldn 't help feeling that the music he was hearing now was just slightly different from the music he remembered his father playing . He had heard it years ago , of course , and he had been listening with a child 's ears , after all , but the difference , it seemed to him , was terribly important . It was infinitesimal but crucial . He wanted to go up onto the stage , take his father by the arm , and ask , " What is it , Father ? What has changed ? " But he did nothing of the sort . He would never have been able to explain what was in his mind . Instead , he stayed at his table until the end of his father 's set , drinking much more than he usually did . When it was over , he and his wife applauded and went home . The couple 's married life was free of shadows . They never fought , and they spent many happy hours together , taking walks , going to movies , travelling . Tony Takitani 's work continued as successfully as ever , and , for someone so young , his wife was remarkably capable at running their home . There was , however , one thing that did concern him somewhat , and that was her tendency to buy too many clothes . Confronted with a piece of clothing , she seemed incapable of restraint . A strange look would come over her , and even her voice would change . The first time he saw this happen , Tony Takitani thought that she had suddenly taken ill . He had noticed it before their marriage , but it wasn 't until their honeymoon that it began to seem serious . She bought a shocking number of items during their travels around Europe . In Milan and Paris , she went from boutique to boutique , morning to night , like one possessed . They did no sightseeing at all . Instead of the Duomo or the Louvre , they saw Valentino , Missoni , Saint Laurent , Givenchy , Ferragamo , Armani , Cerutti , Gianfranco Ferrè . Mesmerized , she swept up everything she could get her hands on , and he followed behind her , paying the bills . He almost worried that the raised digits on his credit card might wear down . Her fever did not abate after they returned to Japan . She continued to buy new clothes nearly every day . The number of articles of clothing in her possession skyrocketed . To store them , Tony had several large armoires custom made . He also had a cabinet built for her shoes . Even so , there was not enough space for everything . In the end , he had an entire room redesigned as a walk - in closet . They had rooms to spare in their large house , and money was not a problem . Besides , she did such a marvellous job of wearing what she bought , and she looked so happy whenever she had new clothes , that Tony decided not to complain . Nobody 's perfect , he told himself . When the volume of her clothing became too great to fit into the special room , however , even Tony Takitani began to have some misgivings . Once , when she was out , he counted her dresses . He calculated that she could change outfits twice a day and still not repeat herself for almost two years . She was so busy buying them that she had no time to wear them . He wondered if she might have a psychological problem . If so , he might need to apply the brakes to her habit at some point . He took the plunge one night after dinner . " I wish you would consider cutting back a little on the way you buy clothes , " he said . " It 's not a question of money . I 'm not talking about that . I have no objection to your buying what you need , and it makes me happy to see you looking so pretty , but do you really need so many expensive dresses ? " His wife lowered her gaze and thought about this for a time . Then she looked at him and said , " You 're right , of course . I don 't need so many dresses . I know that . But , even though I know it , I can 't help myself . When I see a beautiful dress , I have to buy it . Whether I need it , or whether I have too many , is beside the point . I just can 't stop myself . " She promised to try to hold back . " If I keep on going this way , the whole house is going to fill up with my clothes before too long . " And so she locked herself inside for a week , and managed to stay away from clothing stores . This was a time of great suffering for her . She felt as if she were walking on the surface of a planet with little air . She spent every day in her room full of clothing , taking down one piece after another to gaze at it . She would caress the material , inhale its fragrance , slip the clothes on , and look at herself in the mirror . But the more she looked the more she wanted something new . The desire for new clothing became unbearable . She simply couldn 't stand it . She did , however , love her husband deeply . And she respected him . She knew that he was right . She called one of her favorite boutiques and asked the proprietor if she might be allowed to return a coat and dress that she had bought ten days earlier but had never worn . " Certainly , Madam , " she was told . She was one of the store 's best customers ; they could do that much for her . She put the coat and dress in her blue Renault Cinque and drove to the fashionable Aoyama district . There she returned the clothes and received a credit . She hurried back to her car , trying not to look at anything else , then drove straight home . She had a certain feeling of lightness at having returned the clothes . Yes , she told herself , it was true : I did not need those things . I have enough coats and dresses to last the rest of my life . But , as she waited for a red light to change , the coat and dress were all she could think about . Colors , cut , and texture : she remembered them in vivid detail . She could picture them as clearly as if they were in front of her . A film of sweat broke out on her forehead . With her forearms pressed against the steering wheel , she drew in a long , deep breath and closed her eyes . At the very moment that she opened them again , she saw the light change to green . Instinctively , she stepped down on the accelerator . Tony Takitani was left with a roomful of size - 2 dresses and a hundred and twelve pairs of shoes . He had no idea what to do with them . He was not going to keep all his wife 's clothes for the rest of his life , so he called a dealer and agreed to sell the hats and accessories for the first price the man offered . Stockings and underthings he bunched together and burned in the garden incinerator . There were simply too many dresses and shoes to deal with , so he left them where they were . After the funeral , he shut himself in the walk - in closet , and spent the day staring at the rows of clothes . Ten days later , Tony Takitani put an ad in the newspaper for a female assistant , dress size 2 , height approximately five feet three , shoe size 6 , good pay , favorable working conditions . Because the salary he quoted was abnormally high , thirteen women showed up at his studio in Minami - Aoyama to be interviewed . Five of them were obviously lying about their dress size . From the remaining eight , he chose the one whose build was closest to his wife 's , a woman in her mid - twenties with an unremarkable face . She wore a plain white blouse and a tight blue skirt . Her clothes and shoes were neat and clean but worn . Tony Takitani told the woman , " The work itself is not very difficult . You just come to the office every day from nine to five , answer the telephone , deliver illustrations , pick up materials for me , make copies - that sort of thing . There is only one condition attached . I 've recently lost my wife , and I have a huge amount of her clothing at home . Most of what she left is new or almost new . I would like you to wear her things as a kind of uniform while you work here . I know this must sound strange to you but , believe me , I have no ulterior motive . It 's just to give me time to get used to the idea that my wife is gone . If you are nearby wearing her clothing , I 'm pretty sure , it will finally come home to me that she is dead . " Biting her lip , the young woman considered the proposal . It was , as he said , a strange request - so strange , in fact , that she could not fully comprehend it . She understood the part about his wife 's having died . And she understood the part about the wife 's having left behind a lot of clothing . But she could not quite grasp why she should have to work in the wife 's clothes . Normally , she would have had to assume that there was more to it than met the eye . But , she thought , this man did not seem to be a bad person . You had only to listen to the way he talked to know that . Maybe the loss of his wife had done something to his mind , but he didn 't look like the type of man who would let that kind of thing cause him to harm another person . And , in any case , she needed work . She had been looking for a job for a very long time , her unemployment insurance was about to run out , and she would probably never find a job that paid as well as this one did . " I think I understand , " she said . " And I think I can do what you are asking me to do . But , first , I wonder if you can show me the clothes I will have to wear . I had better check to see if they really are my size . " " Of course , " Tony Takitani said , and he took the woman to his house and showed her the room . She had never seen so many dresses gathered together in a single place except in a department store . Each dress was obviously expensive and of high quality . The taste , too , was flawless . The sight was almost blinding . The woman could hardly catch her breath . Her heart started pounding . It felt like sexual arousal , she realized . Tony Takitani left the woman alone in the room . She pulled herself together and tried on a few of the dresses . She tried on some shoes as well . Everything fit as though it had been made for her . She looked at one dress after another . She ran her fingertips over the material and breathed in the fragrance . Hundreds of beautiful dresses were hanging there in rows . Before long , tears welled up in her eyes and began to pour out of her . There was no way she could hold them back . Her body swathed in a dress of the woman who had died , she stood utterly still , sobbing , struggling to keep the sound from escaping her throat . Soon Tony Takitani came to see how she was doing . " I don 't know , " she said , shaking her head . " I 've never seen so many beautiful dresses before . I think it must have upset me . I 'm sorry . " She dried her tears with a handkerchief . She chose a warm - looking gray cashmere coat . It was so light that it could have been made of feathers . She had never held such a lightweight coat in her life . When the woman was gone , Tony Takitani went back into his wife 's closet , shut the door , and let his eyes wander vacantly over her dresses . He could not understand why the woman had cried when she saw them . To him , they looked like shadows that his wife had left behind . Size - 2 shadows of his wife hung there in long rows , layer upon layer , as if someone had gathered and hung up samples of the infinite possibilities ( or at least the theoretically infinite possibilities ) implied in the existence of a human being . These dresses had once clung to his wife 's body , which had endowed them with the warm breath of life and made them move . Now , however , what hung before him were mere scruffy shadows , cut off from the roots of life and steadily withering away , devoid of any meaning whatsoever . Their rich colors danced in space like pollen rising from flowers , lodging in his eyes and ears and nostrils . The frills and buttons and lace and epaulets and pockets and belts sucked greedily at the room 's air , thinning it out until he could hardly breathe . Liberal numbers of mothballs gave off a smell that might as well have been the sound of a million tiny winged insects . He hated these dresses now , it suddenly occurred to him . Slumping against the wall , he folded his arms and closed his eyes . Loneliness seeped into him once again , like a lukewarm broth . It 's all over now , he told himself . No matter what I do , it 's over . " I 'm sorry , but the situation has changed , " he said . " You can have the clothes and shoes you took home , and the suitcase , too . I just want you to forget that this ever happened , and please don 't tell anyone about it . " For a few minutes , she felt angry at Tony Takitani . But soon she came to feel that things had probably worked out for the best . The whole business had been peculiar from the beginning . She was sorry to have lost the job but she figured she would manage somehow or other . She unpacked the dresses she had brought home from Tony Takitani 's house , smoothed them out , and hung them in her wardrobe . The shoes she put into the shoe cabinet by her front door . Compared with these new arrivals , her own clothes and shoes looked horrendously shabby . She felt as if they were a completely different type of matter , fashioned of materials from another dimension . She took off the blouse and skirt she had worn to the interview , hung them up , and changed into jeans and a sweatshirt . Then she sat on the floor , drinking a cold beer . Recalling the room full of clothes she had seen at Tony Takitani 's house , she heaved a sigh . So many beautiful dresses , she thought . And that " closet " : it was bigger than my whole apartment . Imagine the time and money that must have gone into buying all those clothes ! And now the woman who did it is dead . I wonder what it must feel like to die and leave so many beautiful dresses behind . In the end , Tony Takitani had another used - clothing dealer take away everything that his wife had left behind . The dealer gave Tony less than a twentieth of what he had paid for the clothes , but that didn 't matter to him . He would have let them go for nothing , so long as they were going to a place where he would never see them again . Once in a while , Tony would go to the empty room and stay there for an hour or two , doing nothing in particular , just letting his mind go blank . He would sit on the floor and stare at the bare walls , at the shadows of his dead wife 's shadows . But , as the months went by , he lost the ability to recall the things that had been in the room . The memory of their colors and smells faded away almost before he knew it was gone . Even the vivid emotions he had once cherished fell back , as if retreating from the province of his mind . Like a mist in the breeze , his memories changed shape , and with each change they grew fainter . Each memory was now the shadow of a shadow of a shadow . The only thing that remained tangible to him was the sense of absence . Sometimes he could barely recall his wife 's face . What he did recall , though , was the woman , a total stranger , shedding tears in the room at the sight of the dresses that his wife had left behind . He recalled her unremarkable face and her worn - out patent - leather shoes . Long after he had forgotten all kinds of things , including the woman 's name , her image remained strangely unforgettable . Two years after Tony Takitani 's wife died , his father died of liver cancer . Shozaburo Takitani suffered little , and his time in the hospital was short . He died almost as if falling asleep . In that sense , he lived a charmed life to the end . Aside from a little cash and some stock certificates , Shozaburo left nothing that could be called property . There was only his instrument , and a gigantic collection of old jazz records . Tony Takitani left the records in the boxes supplied by the moving company and stacked them up on the floor of the empty room . Because they smelled of mold , he had to open the windows in the room at regular intervals to air it out . Otherwise , he never set foot in the place . A year went by this way , but having the boxes of records in the house began to bother him more and more . Often , the mere thought of them sitting in there made him feel that he was suffocating . Sometimes , too , he would wake in the middle of the night and be unable to get back to sleep . His memories had grown indistinct , but they were still there , where they had always been , with all the weight that memories can have . Tony Takitani called a record dealer and had him make an offer for the collection . Because it contained many valuable disks that were long out of print , he received a remarkably high payment - enough to buy a small car . To him , however , the money meant nothing . Rispondi Barbara ha scritto : Il 19 / 08 / 2011 alle 14 : 35 TONY TAKITANI ! ! ! Ho amato moltissimo questo film , che parla in modo delicato e nello stesso tempo non - melodrammatico della solitudine di un uomo . La colonna sonora di Sakamoto , tutta eseguita su piano solo , è perfetta per evocare l ' atmosfera della storia , se la cercate su megaupolad potrete scaricarla . Rispondi Lascia un commento Annulla risposta Il tuo indirizzo email non sarà pubblicato . I campi obbligatori sono contrassegnati * Commento Nome * Email * Sito web Avvertimi via email in caso di risposte al mio commento . Avvertimi via email alla pubblicazione di un nuovo articolo Cosa stai cercando ? Cerca Commenti recentiBarbara su Le parole ultime : " Jisei . Poesie dell ' addio " Francesca su Spunti , testi e link per scrivere una tesina sul Giappone per la maturitàLuisa su 7 soluzioni per trovare libri a poco prezzo o gratispaola su Spunti , testi e link per scrivere una tesina sul Giappone per la maturitàFausto Varsi su Le parole ultime : " Jisei . Poesie dell ' addio " Blogroll L ' articolo non è stato pubblicato , controlla gli indirizzi e - mail ! Verifica dell ' e - mail non riuscita . Riprova . Ci dispiace , il tuo blog non consente di condividere articoli tramite e - mail . Utilizzando il sito , accetti l ' utilizzo dei cookie da parte nostra . Maggiori informazioni AccettoQuesto sito utilizza i cookie per fonire la migliore esperienza di navigazione possibile . Continuando a utilizzare questo sito senza modificare le impostazioni dei cookie o clicchi su " Accetta " permetti al loro utilizzo . Chiudi |
We ran to Target and the grocery store this morning and then picked up some Chick - fil - A on the way home . Mckenzie 's eyes were very droopy when I put her in the car so I figured I had better do something to keep her awake or there would be no nap this afternoon . The kids were very good in the stores today so it made for an easy day of shopping . If only they could have been that good at home ! Abby and I played a little Go Fish today . She really needs to learn how to hold her cards in her hands . Instead of hiding them , she lays them out in a line in front of her so she knows what she has . We made some Rice Krispie treats and boy were they yummy . I haven 't had them in so long ! We went to the park this afternoon and Abby had so much fun going down the slides and getting chased by me . Mckenzie was content to spend most of her time in the swing . My flip flop broke while I was playing with the girls so I ended up walking home with only one shoe on . I was so glad it wasn 't hot out today or my foot would really hurt . We got to talk to Scott a couple of times today . He is doing good , just tired from flying . Mckenzie woke up again around 6 , but she went back to sleep in my bed . I couldn 't fall back to sleep because I kept worrying about getting the garbage can down to the street before the truck came . I really need to learn to put that thing out the night before ! So , I got up and ready for the day . Abby woke up while I was showering and climbed into my bed with her sister . It was so sweet ; Abby put her arm across Mckenzie and was laying there , looking at her sister . We played around the house this morning and after nap , we went to the purple park . The girls were having fun , going down the slides together and playing on the pole that spins ( Abby told me " I tickled my tummy momma " when she would spin a little too long ) . But , then Abby decided to throw a tantrum over not being able to get across the monkey bars today and we ended up leaving the park . She was crying until her movie came on in the car and then she was fine , but as soon as we pulled into the drive , she started up again . That little girl is filled with determination I tell ya . She finally settled down and we ate some dinner and then headed up for a bath . Mckenzie must have been very tired tonight because she hardly even fussed about going to bed . Sorry no pic of the girls today . I was too lazy to get the camera out . We had a great time today with our friends from Mississippi ! They are here visiting family ( they are also our friends we went on our cruise with ) and stopped by this morning for a visit . The kids had a blast playing in the pool ; I don 't know how all four of them managed to fit into the small pool we have , but they did and had a great time . Not much water left when they were done , but that makes it easy to drain ! Abby was being very brave and let her friend poor water over her head / face . She usually doesn 't like getting her face wet , so i am proud of her for doing that ! Mckenzie seems to have no fear of the water and was right there in the middle of the splashing with the bigger kids until it was past her nap time . She didn 't want to go down for a nap and cried for Abby as I was getting her ready , but she did go to sleep quickly . We ordered in some pizza for dinner and then our friends had to get back home . It is a bit of a drive for them , so we really appreciate them coming all this way to see us ! Abby was sad to see them leave and cried for quite a while after they left . Mckenzie is now fighting going to sleep . I have already been in to see her a couple of times and she is still calling for me . I don 't know how she can 't be tired . She took a short nap and ran around the house playing hard all afternoon ! Posted by We had a quiet morning around here today ( well , by quiet I mean we didn 't go anywhere . It was by no means quiet as we had our fair share of disagreements over the dolls and how to play with them ! Abby likes to direct Mckenzie on what to do with and when to play with the dolls . Mckenzie would rather do her own thing which causes conflict ! ) and after nap we went to Target . I needed to return some things and it was nice to get out of the house . The girls spent forever in the toy section , playing with what seemed like every toy made ! It was almost as though they had never seen a toy before ! I kept hearing , I would like this or I would like that a million times over from Abby . I kept telling her to wait for Christmas . She was sweet though when she saw something she thought Mckenzie would like , she would say she wanted to buy it for Mckenzie 's birthday . Abby asked if we could eat dinner out and since I didn 't feel like cooking , we ate at Ruby Tuesdays . The kids were a little sassy when we sat down , but they settled down pretty quickly . Mckenzie sat in a booster chair and it is the first time she has made it through a dinner at a restaurant without getting up and running around ! I think I may be on to something here ! Both girls decided to wake up bright and early this morning at 6 ! I was hoping to get them back into bed with me for a little more sleep , but that was only wishful thinking ! I overheard the girls playing together today and it was fun to listen to them . Abby asked Mckenzie if she wanted popcorn and when Mckenzie answered yes , Abby then told her she needed to go back to bed and take her nap if she wanted to eat popcorn . It is so interesting to hear my children mimic our parenting style and actions . We use popcorn / movie night as a reward for Abby and I guess she decided to use that for her sister too ! We made it to the park today ! Abby is getting faster on her bike and I need to remember to wear tennis shoes next time instead of flip flops . I was having trouble keeping my shoes on while trying to keep up with her ! Both girls had fun running around the park and chasing each other down the slide . At dinner tonight , Mckenzie dipped her grapes in ranch dressing ( which was the only way I could get her to eat her chicken tonight ) . It looked so gross , but she cleaned up two servings of grapes that way . Not sure how healthy that was though . . . Abby didn 't want to go to sleep again tonight , complaining about how she doesn 't like her green room . I told her that as long as she behaves , we will paint her room purple when Scott gets back home . I am sure Scott is going to be so excited to do some painting ; he thought he was all done with that once we became renters ! Today was a lazy day filled with lots of tantrums , big and small , from both of my sweet , little girls . I think we need to get out of the house tomorrow so it isn 't a repeat of today ! It wasn 't all bad , it was just one of those days for all of us . We did have a good time playing with dolls . I dug through a bin of baby clothes I have no idea what to do with and found a few things small enough for the dolls to wear . The girls had so much fun putting socks and mittens and bibs on their dolls . It was sweet to watch Mckenzie . She has such a kind , maternal soul ; feeding , burping , rocking her baby . She even shared her pacifier with the baby . Although sometimes , she would drop her doll just so she could rock her again . Not sure how maternal that is . . . Abby is into dressing her dolls and making them go to school . She loves to send her dolls & barbies off to school . Scott called during dinner , so it was almost 7 : 30 by the time I finally got the girls to finish their dinner . Some meals I have to nap them bite by bite just to eat . I finally got them to bed . Abby insisted on sleeping on her princess couch and Mckenzie didn 't want to go to sleep . She kept throwing things out of the crib in protest and shouting for me . I hope they both sleep better tonight than last . I really don 't like sharing the bed with the two of them ! Mckenzie had a rough night of sleep last night . I am not sure if her teeth are bothering her or what , but after some motrin , she finally went back to sleep . The girls and I went to the park this morning . It was a hot one out there and Mckenzie was looking red and warm not too long after we got there . Abby could play in the sun all day long , but I 'm guessing that 's because she played outside all summer long at daycare when we lived in Florida . This New Jersey heat is probably nothing to her ! We ran to Target after the park and I finally found lamps for our bedroom . I have been looking around forever ( at least it feels that way ) and today I finally found the perfect ones and they weren 't too expensive which makes it even better ! They look great in our room and it gives the room a much more welcoming atmosphere than the overhead lighting . Mckenzie fell asleep on the way home which meant when I layed her down for a nap , she was wide awake and not ready to lay down . So , we all played together inside as it decided to rain this afternoon for a little bit . Both girls were watching tv and I was in the kitchen doing the dishes . I came back into the family room to check on the girls and Mckenzie had fallen asleep in the computer chair while watching the Wiggles . Poor thing was so exhausted from not napping earlier in the day . I let her sleep for 30 minutes or so , but then I woke her up because it was 5pm and I knew there was no way she would sleep tonight if she napped much longer . I don 't think she was too happy being woken up . We ran to the store to pick up some light bulbs and Scott called on the way out the door . It was good to hear his voice , although he sounded tired from flying . I am starting to feel sorry for the bunnies that have taken up residence under our shed out back . Dakota will not leave them alone ! She seems to have a sixth sense when they are in the yard and she starts pacing and acting all crazy . If she is downstairs and sees a bunny out the patio window , she starts shaking and barking to go out . When I lBarb The first words out of Abby 's mouth this morning were " Ally 's house ! We 're going to Ally 's today ! " She was so excited to go to her friends house and play this morning . I think this was one of the few mornings where I didn 't have to ask her to get dressed and she made her bed without being asked more than once . I love easy mornings like this . If only they could all be like that ! The girls had a great time playing at Ally 's and it was nice to chat with Ally 's mom too . They all played so well together , it amazed me . We headed home for lunch and nap time . Abby wanted to watch Shrek again during her quiet time . I don 't mind watching it , but I picked up the house as long as I could before Abby was asking me to sit on the couch with her and watch the movie . After nap time , we ran to the post office and came back home to play outside . The girls had fun poking sticks in the dirt and running up and down the sidewalk with their shoes off . I made lasagna for dinner and Abby insisted she didn 't like it , but managed to clean her plate anyway . Even Mckenzie ate most of hers as well . During bath tonight the girls were very rambunctious , pouring water all over each other , drinking the water , screaming . It was wild and crazy in there , but the girls had a blast . They were giggling so loud and had the biggest smiles for each other . We read Pinkalicious ( one of Mckenzie 's favorites along with Cars ) before bed and Abby recited most of the story for us . I guess that means we have read it a time or two ! Mckenzie didn 't want to go to sleep and there she is again calling my name . I hope she isn 't up all night ! Didn 't manage to take a picture again today . Maybe I will do better tomorrow ! Oh , I love when Mckenzie talks to people on the phone ; she tries to show them things like a cup or milk or her pacifier , as if they can actually see it . I remember Abby doing the same thing . Happy Birthday to my amazing wonderful husband ! Too bad we didn 't get to spend the day with him , but at least we got to see him this morning ! The girls and I drove to Philly to a doctor 's appointment for Mckenzie . The opthamologist examined her , looked at her CT , and we schedule a day for surgery to remove the cyst by her eye . I am so glad we are getting closer to getting this thing resolved . The doctor 's she saw today were great . A fellow examined her first , then the surgeon , and the opthamologist we made the appointment with . All had great personalities and made Mckenzie feel at ease . It was kind of cool that the surgeon and opthamologist are a father / son pair . That would be neat to be able to work with family . Both girls behaved very well , even though our appt took a long time . We were there for 2 hours ! We came back home and I ended up stopping on the way to pick up some McDonald 's for the girls to help keep Mckenzie awake . It is so hard to keep her awake in the car when it gets close to bedtime and today was especially hard since they dilated her eyes . All she wanted to do was close her tired little eyes . But , we made it home and even had a little time to play before nap . Abby and I watched a movie during rest time and played with dolls . I would have preferred to nap myself as I had trouble falling asleep last night and I ended up laying on Mckenzie 's floor for awhile as she woke up in the middle of the night . Abby had a major tantrum this afternoon . Mckenzie was watching the Wiggles and Abby decided she wanted to watch Shrek . I told her she could as soon as the Wiggles was over . That did not sit well with her at all and she starting screaming and crying . I really need to figure out how to stop these silly tantrums she has been having lately . Nothing seems to be working ! Maybe it is just being an independent 4 year old , I don 't know . After dinner , we had to go vote on the board elections for Abby 's preschool . I decided to run and I am hoping it is the right decision . I really want to find a way to get involvPosted by Another Monday ! Abby came into our room again last night and didn 't want to sleep alone so I ended up in the guest bed with her . She is such a little snuggle bug . Every time I would move over to get some room , she was right next to me within seconds ! I really need to figure out how to keep her in her own room . Scott ran into work for a little bit this morning and the girls and I baked him a birthday cake ! Both girls helped me mix it , so it took a little longer than normal , but they both love to help ! The girls were being so sweet to each other at lunch . They kept giving each other kisses ! Mckenzie had a fitful nap today , but it looks like she may be getting a couple of teeth , so that may explain why she didn 't sleep so well . I hope she finishes getting her teeth pretty soon ! We went out to Red Lobster tonight to celebrate Scott 's birthday since he won 't be around to celebrate with us tomorrow . We had terrible service , but luckily the food was tasty ! The waitress must have overheard us talking about Scott 's birthday , because they brought a treat to the table and sang to him ! It was sweet ! The treat looked like ice cream so Scott took a big bite . Turns out it was whipped cream ! Not so tasty all alone . We came home and had some birthday cake . I should say Scott and I had cake . Both girls had one tiny bite and they were done . A quick bath and it was off to bed for the girls . I am working on laundry again . I really wish there was a laundry fairy that would at least fold it for me . I don 't mind washing / drying , but it takes an act of Congress to get me to fold it ! Dressed up to go to dinner ! Happy Father 's Day ! The girls gave Scott his Father 's day gift and birthday gift since he will be leaving on a trip soon . The girls decorated the gift bags and you could tell how proud they were when they gave Scott his gifts ! I made breakfast for us again today ! I know , this is getting crazy with how many home cooked meals we are having ! Scott wanted to go bowling so we took the girls to a Funplex where we did a little minature golf , bowling , and go - carts . It was a fun day , but it was a little warm to be playing mini golf ! We came home and had a late lunch and then we put Mckenzie down for a nap . Abby watched tv in her indoor tent during quiet time and Scott and I both ended up taking naps . I woke up to Abby tickling my toes ! Such a silly girl ! After Mckenzie woke up , we took the girls to the purple park which they both love ! I am so proud of Abby . She made is all the way across the monkey bars today ! She wanted to give up many times , but we kept encouraging her and she finally did it ! She also braved climbing down this big rock there . In the past , she would climb up , but freak out when she tried to climb down . And , she also climbed up a ladder that she has been to scared to in the past ! It may not sound like that big of a deal to a lot of people , but she has always been a little timid about heights and climbing so to us , it was a huge deal ! Way to go Abby ! Mckenzie on the other hand , seems to have no fear and tries to climb anything she sees ! I have to keep my eye on that little busy body ! After dinner we ran to Target so Scott could return one of his presents from us . ( I bought him a thumb drive thinking he needed one . Turns out , we already bought a new one when we were in Oklahoma ! ) . We bought the girls icees and thought we were in for a nice trip to Target , but Abby had other plans ! She wasn 't happy with the cherry flavored icee and I ended up taking her out of the store because she was throwing the biggest , loudest fit ! So , we stayed in the car while Scott and Mckenzie looked around . Abby was not happy withPosted by This morning was kind of a lazy one . We stayed in bed , reading lots of books . Abby just kept bringing us book after book . When we did get up , Abby and I made some pancakes and scrambled eggs . She loves to be my little helper . Mckenzie wanted to help too , so I let her help mix the pancakes . It was a pretty good breakfast if I do say so myself ! We got ready for the day and went for a bike ride / walk to the park . The girls had a good time playing , but it was quite warm out so we didn 't stay that long . Mckenzie had a fit on the way home because she wanted her pacifier and we didn 't bring one along . We are trying to cut down on her use again and it is difficult ! The girls had a little snack and it was time for Mckenzie to take a nap . Abby and I went to see Toy Story 3 in 3D this afternoon while Scott did his homework . We got there a little early and Abby was getting a little impatient waiting for the show to start . Every time a new advertisement came on , she would ask if it was time to put on her glasses . It was a cute movie and Abby really enjoyed it ! Her giggles were so adorable ! We came home to find Mckenzie doing a little finger painting . We grilled some chicken for dinner and the girls both ate really well ! After we had finished , I asked Abby to water her flowers outside and she watered a couple of pots before asking me to take over for her . So I watered Abby and the flowers ! She loved it , giggling the whole time and inching closer to the water . Mckenzie on the other hand , did not and started crying whenever the water got near her or me ! Scott squirted me and poor little Mckenzie got so upset ! We headed into the house for bath time and read a few books before bed . Posted by The girls and I ran to Target today and then off to Chick fil A for a treat because they were both really good at the store . It was cute to watch the girls play together in the play area . Mckenzie is still to short to climb the steps to the slide , but Abby helped lift her up each step so they could slide together . The smiles on their faces were priceless the first time they came down the slide and every time after that , Mckenzie would stop and wave to me as her and Abby climbed the stairs . It wasn 't a graceful assist by Abby and I am guessing that Mckenzie might have a bruise or two from the climb , but they both had a blast ! We came home and I put Mckenzie down for nap . She was calling my name right after I shut her door , so I went back in to tell her to go to sleep . She was pointing to the video camera to let me know I forgot to turn it on . I turned it on and she laid down to go to sleep . Silly girl ! Abby and I played Go Fish and Memory during nap today . Abby still gets a little disappointed when I get a match , but she is getting better . When Mckenzie got up from nap , we worked on a present for Father 's day . Very messy , but I am sure he will love all the hard work the girls put into their gift . We went out to Olive Garden for dinner . The girls were well behaved for the most part making it a nice dinner out . Abby wanted ice cream for a treat so Scott took the girls to Sonic . I think we should probably eat at home tomorrow ! I was playing with Dakota outside this evening and she was hilarious . There were some birds chirping in a tree and she kept barking at the tree and trying to climb it ! I was glad my camera still works so I could snap a photo of it . Mckenzie accidentally knocked my camera on the floor today and part of the lens broke . I have another lens that I can use but I am hoping that I can get the broken one fixed . I guess that is a lesson learned for me that putting my camera near her lovie bear is a dangerous thing ! Abby was having a hard time going to sleep tonight . She was crying about the color of herPosted by Scott had to be at work by 5 this morning and I am glad the girls didn 't wake up when he left . They have a tendency to hear the door close and think it is time for them to get up as well . Mckenzie slept in until 630 and I coaxed her into laying in bed with me for a little while before heading downstairs to start the day . Abby got up shortly after and we all had some breakfast . Back to frozen pancakes for my girls now that Grandma isn 't here to make them real ones ! We went to the grocery store this morning and the girls were pretty good . Usually grocery shopping with them is hectic , but today for some reason , it wasn 't . We came home and had some lunch and it was nap time for Mckenzie . Abby and I colored and worked in one of her school books . She loves to do " homework " . We had a squadron picnic this afternoon so after Mckenzie 's nap , we headed to the base . We met Scott at the playground and the girls got to run around for awhile . Mckenzie spent most of her time on the swings and Abby couldn 't get enough of all the different slides . It was a nice time . The girls wanted to ride back home with Scott so I got to ride all alone ! It was bath time and bed time by the time we got home . Both girls were tired , especially Abby . I took my parents to the airport this morning while Scott stayed home with the girls . It was a great visit and I am so thankful for the time the girls got to spend with their Grandparents as well as the time we got to spend with them ! Spending time with them makes me wish we lived closer but that isn 't an option so we will just have to make do with lots of pictures and phone calls ! When I got back , I found Scott snoozing on the couch with Mckenzie asleep on his chest . Apparently , she woke up shortly after we left the house . Abby got up a few minutes after I got home and was ready for breakfast . She asked where Grandma and Grandpa were and when I told her that I already took them to the airport , she told me she missed them : - ( Scott headed into work and the girls and I hung out at home . When Scott got home , he was nice enough to let me take a nap while he played with the girls . We were lazy for dinner and picked up some take out . Helping feed Dakota ! Today was my parents last full day visiting us . Scott had to work and my parents took the girls to the purple park so I found myself home all alone . Didn 't know what to do with all that free time , so I wasted it on the internet ! The girls had a great time at the park and ran into some friends from school who were also playing there . My parents ran to Target ( guess it runs in the family ; - ) and got the girls pinwheels , or as Abby calls them , spinwheels . They had a blast playing with them , but Mckenzie would get bored with hers when there wasn 't enough wind so Abby ended up with both . The rest of the day was pretty calm . Scott came home from work and my Dad and I ran to Lowes to pick up a few things . Dad has been busy fixing all the little things around the house that needed attention , like the piano , my dresser , Abby 's dresser . . . The list could go on . Mom did some baking again today so we got some homemade chocolate chip cookies ! Yum ! Barbecues for dinner and then it was bath night for the girls . Scott and my Dad were going to go to a Yankees / Phillys game in Yankee stadium tonight , but they decided not to because they wouldn 't get home until very late and my parents have to get up early to catch their plane back home . Maybe next time : - ) Abby decided to sleep in our room last night . It would have been ok if she would have stayed on her little princess couch , but she preferred to sleep in the bed instead . That was way to crowded for me and I ended up on the floor while she snuggled down nice and cozy on my pillow : ( At least Mckenzie slept in until after 8 this morning ! We headed into Philly to do a little sightseeing with my parents . We took them to see the Liberty Bell and went on a horse and carriage tour of the historic downtown area . It was a great tour and I think everyone had a nice time . Abby got to pick out which horse / carriage we took . Mckenzie was getting a little tired on the ride so we headed back to the car to go get some lunch . The restaurant we ended up at was terrible ! We waited forever for our food and when half of it arrived , it was luke - warm at best and not right . Our server was very inattentive and acted as if he could have cared less to be at work . The best part was when the manager came over and told us the entire meal was free ! I was surprised to hear that ! We drove Mom and Dad around the area for a little while and then came back home . Scott took Dad and Abby to the base so he could check his schedule for tomorrow . Mckenzie ended up falling asleep in my arms while watching Cars . It was late in the afternoon , but she looked so sweet that I couldn 't bare to wake her . Let 's just hope I don 't regret that decision tonight ! We got the girls to bed and watched some tv with my parents . I can 't believe their vacation is almost over already . The times flies by so quickly . I will post the pics from today later . I need to find the usb cord for my camera . . . Home Sweet Home ! Today Scott and I returned from our cruise to the Bahamas ! What a wonderful trip and the best part ? coming home to our sweet baby girls . The girls were in excellent hands while we were away ( Thanks Mom and Dad ) so that made it easier to leave , but it was a glorious moment when I saw those beautiful faces . Mom and Dad planned to play a trick on us by hiding the car in the garage ( we couldn 't park in there before we left - Thanks Dad for cleaning it out ) and having the girls hide when we came in . Abby told me on the phone they were planning to hide so it didn 't surprise me when no one ran to the door . Mckenzie and Dad were hiding in the living room and Mckenzie snuck out from behind the couch when we came in . The look on her face was priceless and she started acting silly and running around . Abby tried to hide , but was falling asleep on the couch in the family room . Scott woke her up and it took a minute before she realized what was going on , but once she did , she didn 't want to let go of us . It was the best feeling in the whole world to see their faces and hear their voices . Abby kept telling me she missed me and gave me bunches of hugs . They didn 't want to be out of our sight and I didn 't mind one bit ( although it was nice to be able to use the bathroom by myself for a change on the cruise ! ) It was a relatively quiet afternoon with the girls wanting to play and show us all the stuff they helped Grandpa and Grandma do while we were gone . Dad was busy fixing stuff & cleaning out the garage and Mom was busy baking and planting flowers . Not sure where they managed to fit all that in ! We grilled some burgers for dinner and ate outside . Abby asked if " I would take her and Mckenzie a bath " and read a few books before bed . It was wonderful to kiss my babies good night and tuck them in . I sure missed them ! We had a great vacation and it was a wonderful way to celebrate our 10 year anniversary ! I am thankful my parents were able to help us out and watch the girls for us . I think it was a wonderful experiencePosted by Bon Voyage ! ! ! Today we left on our cruise out of New York to the Bahamas ! It was hard to say good bye to the girls . I have never been away from Mckenzie before and the only time I spent a few nights away from Abby , she was home with Scott . Very hard to do . They mean the world to me and I don 't like being separated from them . We met up with our friends , Chris and Jackie , who were going on the cruise as well . Jackie 's Dad drove us into New York so we didn 't have to pay for parking . It would have cost us $ 30 a day to park ! Ridiculous ! So glad he was able to do that for all of us . It was great to see Chris and Jackie and I know this week will be a lot of fun . The lines to check in weren 't that long , we waited maybe an hour and a half to get on the boat . We got to our room and it wasn 't as tiny as I had thought . It was small , but I imagined it would be even smaller , so that was a nice surprise . We headed up to one of the upper decks as we departed dock and cruised right past the Statue of Liberty . It was pretty cool to see ! We had some dinner and then did a little karaoke . They had private rooms to do karaoke in , so it was a lot of fun . Today my parents and I took the girls to the Philadelphia zoo . We had a wonderful day even though it was really hot outside ! When we arrived , there were about a gazillion school kids on field trips , but it wasn 't as crazy as I thought it would be . Both girls really enjoyed seeing the snakes / crocs and the tigers / lions . They also had a good time in the Children 's zoo which wasn 't open last time we were there . They got to feed the goats and Abby and I even went in the fence to pet them . There was a tractor for the kids to climb on and even a chicken that Abby wanted to chase ! The girls got to ride the carousel today and wanted to do face painting , but I wouldn 't let them because I was afraid they would get sunburned without any sunscreen on their faces . Abby was very disappointed , but Grandma and Grandpa were good distractions ! We got the girls some ice cream and made our way out of the park . I managed to miss my exit and get us lost . Thank God for GPS and a big car with out of state plates ! We finally made it out of Philly and headed towards the base to pick up Scott 's truck . He was supposed to be flying home today , but the mission got changed and isn 't leaving New Orleans until tomorrow . So , Scott will be arriving commercially around midnight tonight ! Yeah for driving into Philly again tonight ! We were all exhausted by the time we got home . We had a quick dinner and put the girls to bed . I packed a little bit for Scott and finished up packing for myself . I am so excited to go on our cruise ! It will be a lot of fun and the girls will be well taken care of that is for sure ! What a day ! The girls both slept in until after 7 ! I love when that happens . We took Dakota to Petsmart to get a bath . I drove to the wrong one , but the girl was kind enough to call the other store to let them know I would be a little late . Dakota wasn 't too excited to have a bath , but she smells a whole lot better . I would bathe her myself , but she sheds way too much for the drain . The girls and I took the car to get washed / vacuumed and I ended up coming home and vacuuming it again . They didn 't do the most thorough job . Abby was so excited to go pick up Grandma & Grandpa from the airport . Although , I think she was equally excited to ride in the way back of the car . And she was excited that she could still see the tv from way back there . Mckenzie fell asleep on the car ride which was good because she missed her nap today between picking up Dakota and picking up Grandma and Grandpa . Abby talked non - stop once we picked up my parents . She was full of questions and stories and more than once she told me she was talking to Grandpa or Grandma and not me ! Mckenzie was a little shy at first and cried , but she got over that pretty quickly . Not quickly enough though ; I missed my exit because I was trying to console her and not paying enough attention to the road signs . Needless to say , my little mistake took us through a construction zone and bumper to bumper traffic ! I 'm sure my parents could have done without that after being in a plane all day ! The girls were all excited to play outside with Grandma & Grandpa and I think they did a pretty good job of tiring them out ! Mckenzie kept going to my Mom and giving hugs . She even sat on my parent 's laps at dinner time . Abby asked if Grandma could ' take ' her a bath . I love that she is so welcoming of my parents . Both girls have been and I am I so glad they remember their Grandparents ! Well , I knew I should have put my book down last night , but I really wanted to finish it . Ended up staying awake till after one and wouldn 't ya know it , both girls were wide awake and ready to go for the day at 5AM ! ! ! Way too early for me ! Thank God for kids television . That kept them entertained until 7 when Scott got up . I went to take a quick nap while Scott and the girls worked on cleaning up the garage . There are still a lot of boxes to go through out there , but with the limited storage , it is a difficult task . And we still have things that need to be taken to the dump and to the donation center . One of these days we will get around to it . . . The garage looks so much better now and we might even be able to get a car in there too . Although , that is highly unlikely since the setup of the garage makes it difficult to open the back car doors . Getting the girls in and out of the car when it is in there is quite the challenge ! Got the house cleaned today and the girls both took naps . Long naps , so I am hoping they sleep for me tonight . The girls and I ran to Target to pick up a couple of things . I actually made a list today so I actually bought everything I needed . Got the girls in bed and I am hoping for a restful night for all . Abby was complaining her ear was hurting her again . I am hoping her ear infection isn 't getting worse . She has been on antibiotics since Friday , so I would think it would feel better . Will have to see how she does tomorrow and get her an appt before the weekend if it hasn 't improved . Posted by Scott got home in the middle of the night from a quick work trip to Chicago this weekend . The girls were both so excited to see him . Mckenzie kept running up to him and telling him " I love you " . Abby had a field trip for her preschool today to a children 's amusement park , Storybook Land . We were supposed to have rain showers , but fortunately , they never came and we had a wonderful day . All the rides are geared towards young children and it was busy , but not overcrowded . It was great Mckenzie could go on just about every ride . That little girl likes to spin . She got off one ride with a huge smile on her face and kept repeating " fun " . Abby got most excited when she ran into her little friend Ally on the train . They jumped up and down and we couldn 't separate them after that . They rode rides together and we had lunch together . During lunch , Mckenzie climbed onto Scott 's lap , told him she loved him , and then asked for pop . That girl knows how to get what she wants ! . Abby couldn 't stop talking to Ally long enough to even eat . I finally had to tell her I was going to separate them if she didn 't start eating ! It was so fun to watch them go on rides together . She is really growing up ! Mckenzie was getting very sleepy and wouldn 't fall asleep in her stroller , so we headed home mid afternoon . I asked Abby if she had a good time and she told me she had fun with Ally . Mckenzie fell asleep before we even backed out of the parking lot , but she only napped for 20 minutes ! That made for a long evening ! She was so cranky and nothing seemed to satisfy her . I hope that means she will sleep well tonight ! I bought Abby some new pajamas yesterday and she was overjoyed ! She showed them off to both Scott and Abby before realizing in all her excitement she forgot to put on underwear ! Such a silly little girl . I am so glad Scott was able to spend the day with the girls . Having random days off during the week is one of the benefits to having a job such as his . Posted by |
Today we went with World Market 's Vanilla Bean coffee . Typically , I like some of my coffee 's with cream & sugar , but I wanted to try this first cup black . It has a robust coffee flavor with smooth vanilla traces . When I had a cup of it with cream & sugar , it was like biting into a vanilla biscuit . Delicious . Recently , we had a coffee that I used to like , now , I find it repulsive . It used to be , in my opinion , a top - of - the - line coffee , a well - known coffee , in fact . But , I think , their standards have gone down so that they can compete with other coffee sellers . Their price is still high , due to their name - brand , I guess ; as well as , the common high price of the coffee bean . I used to never really drink coffee , then when I got into nursing , it became more of a main - stay of my diet . Now , I really love it . I 've found that the coffee blends from World Market are smooth and not overtly nasty with flavoring , if they have any . Usually , I don 't like a flavored coffee , preferring Breakfast Blend or Colombian , because you embrace the full taste of the product that is coffee . But , the more blends I 've tried there , I 've liked . Some that I 've tried : of course , the Vanilla Bean , Texas Turtle , and caramel . Right now , I 'm on my second cup of Vanilla Bean , lightly sugared , blended well with creamer . It is pleasant . I thought I would share my opinion of World Market 's selection of coffee . No , I am not affiliated with the chain . I am a customer and I like their coffee . Today , Thursday 2 June 2011 , is one of those days , where it 's hot and sticky outside . The heat seems to deaden the air . Everything sits still , because it 's afraid to move in the heat . Even though moving causes air , which hits your skin and cools you off , but it 's like you can 't stand to move . Instinctively , you don 't want to move , because you 'll just sap your reserve energy . Not even the leaves are moving . No air for their reprieve in the baking of Summer . I can barely stand to go outside to give my dog a potty break . It 's just … nasty . I know , years and several pounds ago , I could handle the heat , only because I had no choice . I didn 't grow up with an air conditioner in my home , so I made due , I had to . I lived with my parents , and my 3 brothers in a 3 bedroom , 1 & 1 / 2 bath house built in the 1970s . Air conditioners , central , wall units , were mostly unheard of or terribly expensive . Our family made do with fans and open windows . I think , at one point , when we were younger , my dad could 've afforded a wall - unit for some of the rooms , he chose not to . He was a penny pincher . So many secrets I remember from then ; my childhood , my late teens . Some of the secrets I keep from myself , others I keep from the rest of the world . You know , when you think about it , no one truly knows your experiences , except for you ; unless you share them , or if they were there with you . Even if someone was there with you , though , your experiences would be unique to you . I think that 's something that makes human beings so unique . Our abilities to remember our experiences , to retain them as memory , thus developing our individual world through them . My father comes from a long generation of people who lived off of their lands , they were farmers who sold their goods at the local market : tobacco , vegetables , cows , chickens , eggs , etc . Whatever was sale - able at the time , that was how they lived , and how they made their living . There was a lot of " heritage " in my dad 's mind . He wanted to pass on what his father 's father 's father 's father passed on , to us kids . But , with our generation as it was , the 1980s , something happened in the U . S . There was no surge of family farms , living off the land , and making their living from it . I think it was the advent and popularity of the computer age . Other things became priority . People were no longer reliant solely on physical labor . As a society , we 've come to use our minds more , it seems . Farming has become an almost obsolete task , only really for the rather old who have their children to help them with it , ( those who had been doing it throughout their lives ) , or someone with a lot of land , who has the equipment , et cetera , because of the expense and time needed to truly develop good crops . There is nothing like fresh home - grown fruits and vegetables . But , the majority of our fresh foods are either grown and groomed from large companies littered throughout the U . S . or imported from overseas . That is a loss to the way of the world of some fifty years ago . Now , we 're being flung into genetically modified foods , with very little acknowledgment to the farms , farmers of the past . I do miss what my father and his family were trying to teach me , that what you make from the Earth , can go a long way , if your respect it . But , when I was a teenager and younger , I could not see past what was happening with my life , to observe those lessons . Member 's of my father 's family each had parcels of land that they could use as needed , that they had received from their forefathers , but there isn 't much left in the family now . What with land development , people needing money , for what ever reason , most of that land has been sold off , or lays forgotten , wasted , including a lot of my dad 's part . I remember several years ago , my dad stating he worried that if I got any of the land , I would sell it . I probably would have , but sadly enough , he just doesn 't have much of his legacy left to see that his genetic line carries on . He is much older now , well into his 80s . He is like the lonely plantation owner , monitoring the land solely by himself . Even though my parents had 5 children , plus 1 lost child , a still - birth between my older brothers , my father is the only one living in the house now . My sister , the oldest of the 5 , has 2 boys , they will be the only ones to carry on my father 's family 's genetic code , not his name , because she took her husband 's name . My oldest brother , never married , never had kids . He died a few years ago , heart failure , after a long bought with cancer . I have 2 other brothers , I don 't know if either will have kids to carry on the family name . Then there 's me , I 'm the " baby " of the family . I know I won 't have kids . I will be 42 this year . I am " past child - bearing years " . That 's okay though , I never really wanted any . When growing up , I felt such dislike , distrust , dis - everything toward my parents . They lived their lives without much consideration for the brood they had created . At least , that 's what it felt like as being one of those brood . My father wanted his kids to do something , as some part of a personal goal for him , I don 't know what exactly , possibly what his parents and generation instilled in him : have kids , til the land , pass on your name , so that this world can grow . He is not someone you could talk to about it . At times , I did think he had had kids , a farm , a job , a wife , land , so that he could be like his siblings , like his own parents had put forth to him … take this land , make something out of it . Other times , most times , I thought he did it all , so that he could run a small tribe of farmers making his image in the community look good . Which is something he was very concerned about , throughout my life . I also think he had kids , so that he would have a household to control . But , then something happened . The home , the centerpiece of the land he was entrusted from his parents , caught fire in the late 1970s , it burned to the ground . There was really no saving the home , it was built with tender wood , it went up quickly . Everything , our entire life , was in that building . It all burned . I don 't remember the fire , there are sketches in my memory surrounding it , but I 've never had a good memory . By the time we got displaced , my mind and memory felt like that of 40 year old already . I would lose time often and I felt I had already lived a long life , so as I got older , I had a lot more difficulties with memory . In fact , over the years , at least the last 20 , I have tried very hard to train my brain for better recall and to think clearer . I can say it 's difficult , because , instead of growing into a strong sound memory , it was as if I was trying to grow out of memory . I assume that is because life was hard to deal with , and so I " didn 't think " about it . That first moment of releasing your brain from paying attention to wander off , can be hypnotic and exuberant , because then you don 't have to think about things that bother . A lazy brain can be a bit easy to obtain , but hard to come back from . In the house when it burned down , was my mother , who always had a history of mental problems , at least since I knew her , my brother who was 5 , I think , I would have then been 3 , as we are 2 years apart . My brother says he and I started it . I don 't remember it , at all . Now , today , my brother talks about the event , he has a rather good memory , with a lot of guilt in his voice . For all of my life , I believed what my dad would say to her , about her , that my mother had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette . The place had burned and it 's a wonder we got out alive … I was shocked when my brother told me , he and I were in the lower level closet where there were lots of old wool coats playing with matches . Something happened , probably the pack all caught flame and he dropped it . He says today , that I could 've died , it would have been his fault . So , as we grew up , he felt a lot of guilt towards me . Like I said , I don 't remember the fire . I 've seen the news clippings from the local paper doing a story , but my own personal memory , is like an empty slate . Mostly , I think I could not handle my childhood , so I didn 't . We moved into a home that a local renter " donated to us " . He had many properties , but as a good man , he allowed us to live there , rent free , for a while . I didn 't like the house . It was frightening to me . It was a ghost house . It was a 2 - story and white washed , with a frightening vibe . To me , it felt haunted . I 've heard stories , and subtly remember that my mother would wander , she never got her driver 's license , and so , she was stuck at home , with us , only able to go out at her friend 's folly or my father 's will . But , she always wandered , mentally and physically . She would walk for miles , to visit friends , to get out and see people that lived near by . Some days she would catch a ride with a friend into the nearest city , as where we lived was so rural . Sometimes , she would take us kids . This would incite my dad . His wife was making him look bad . My parents would fight a lot . There is a history between them , that I won 't get into , but it drove them to hate each other , getting violent with each other often . They were from a generation though , that did not believe in divorce , instead they chose to stay together , hating each other and terrorizing the kids . I know , before and after the fire , I had a lot of disassociation . A lot of moments of " not being there " . I believe my dad knew the truth , that it was not my mom who had started the fire , but my brother and I . But he blamed my mother for the fire and everything else that made him hate his life . Our lives were destroyed in that fire . We were housed , clothed and fed by donations of the local community . I think it was truly upsetting to everyone , I 'm sure . Our childhood toys , all of our photos , clothing , my father 's army uniforms and such , my mother 's clothes , everything was gone , to be replaced by a stranger 's things . We then became stranger 's in our skin . These were not our blankets to wrap up in , because we 're cold . This is not my bed to sleep in . I had never thought about us in the past in such an in - depth way , until now . I think , this is why I can lay my head anywhere for a rest , go shopping at a used store for things I need , and why I 've always felt deep shame and mistrust , because at a young age , I had to let go of my world as it was developing . My ego , you could say . In my 20s I learned , accepted , that I had a spoiled personality , one that would keep me from really living . Fear is a controlling factor in my personality . I am afraid to succeed , because I am afraid to fail , but I am also afraid to succeed . It 's that hidden meaning . It 's been years since the fire , we are as we are . My sister and her family live miles from our childhood home . My middle brother , he lives with his common - law wife , I think he is terrified of committing to marriage . My youngest brother , who is still older than I , lives with his boyfriend . He is a photographer , he captures the world in images , as he wants it to be . He tells his story for the world , as he wants it . My father lives in the house alone . I used to fear him . I used to hate him . Now , I feel sorry for him . He is waiting for everyone , his heritage , to come home . My mother , who I think was so tired , died last year . Dementia was the cause . She had many years of being medicated for psychosis , depression , you name it . She had an overdose of Lithium a few years back , it was an unintentional overdose . Lithium levels can build up in a person 's body . She went down hill fast after that . But , I think she was ready to die . Once though , when she was diagnosed with Dementia , she lived perhaps 6 months after . Her major systems failed . The Hospice Nurse said that she probably had a stroke or even perhaps a heart attack in the time after the initial diagnosis . I had not seen most of my family members in at least 20 years , but I had gone to the hospital and the facility to comfort my mother . They don 't hold as much over me as they did before she got sicker and died . I used to blame my father solely for my families problems , at times I did blame my mother because she just wouldn 't " get better " or " snap out of it " , but I think I saw the world as I thought it was . Now , I know I saw it wrong . I think there was more at play , than one person 's faults . I do wonder though , how different I would be , if the fire had never happened . This is the first time I have ever written my own Biography . I think every person should consider writing their own story . At least , consider . What would you say about your childhood , your adulthood , and how each affect your daily world ? I don 't blame my parents for my problems , my mistakes , I know they 're all mine . My world is colored with them . But , I also remember the good . I am with someone , been with them for over 20 years , and they help me see beyond the boundaries that I built , years ago . As the weather changes , we 're heading from comfortable Spring to annoying Summer , there are a lot storms happening . Lightening strikes are terrible where I live . The sky is electric . I believe this summer is going to be a harsh one . I hope , when we have rainstorms they 're not too bad . The recent tornadoes are terrible . It was well into late evening by the time Valarie Ogden noticed that she should have stopped by the store after work before coming home . She had been so engrossed on catching up with all of the latest news on the mysterious disappearances around the globe , that she had not even thought to make herself something to eat before now . She was starving . Her only thoughts upon coming home , were of getting out of her uniform , freshening up , then slipping into jogging sweats , a tee shirt , and comfortable socks . Once out of her day clothes , she could then boot up her computer , and resume her search . But , now , her stomach was growling , rather loudly , as she searched through her kitchen cupboards . Finding either unappetizing food , or something that would take longer than she had the patience to cook , she opted for takeout . The Chinese restaurant down the street , was not only fast and delicious , but open late . And it delivered , she thought smugly . She was starving . Rooting out the dog - eared , food stained , well - worn menu from her kitchen drawer , she decided on dinner . A dish of moo shu vegetable , spring rolls , vegetable lo mein , and a 2 - liter of soda would do just fine . This was gonna be an all - nighter , she reasoned with herself , so why not feed the army well . The army of one , she smiled to herself . It wasn 't a typically ideal way to spend a Friday night , but it was good for her . Waiting patiently for the food to arrive , she walked over to her living room window . Peering outside , she gazed out at the neighboring buildings . Most of the high - rises were well lit . People were cozily in their homes , safe for the evening . She could hear the wind blowing against the windows , a nice warm breeze that almost seemed to beg to be let into her apartment . She just was not comfortable leaving her window open , even though she was 5 flights up from the city of Detroit . The autumn night was alive with promise , but of what ? There was a nerve - wracking vibe in the air these days , her nerves were already on edge . She didn 't want to push her luck . Closing the curtains tighter against the night sky , she left her money for the food on the table by her front door . Returning to the computer , she sat down in her office swivel chair , and pulled her long blond hair up into a ponytail . She was going to get the mess chopped off for sure , she threatened . It was annoyingly long and the curls were everywhere . Most people saw her hair as a point of vanity . She saw it as an annoyance . No one really took you serious if you were blond , at least not in Valarie 's 28 years of experience . And , she certainly had heard her fair share of Blonde Jokes . At 5 ' 9 , she had fair features , long slender legs , and blue eyes . Add all of that to her long blond hair , she could utilize her looks to her advantage . In reality , though , she felt awkward and gawky using her looks as a weapon or a pick - up tool . When she had arrived home , after taking the commuter train from work , she had been tired , but restless . It had been another boring day at the book depository . Not that books weren 't wonderful , but she had spent the majority of the day flipping through unsorted book donations that had come to the depository late yesterday . All Valarie had had on her mind was returning home to her computer and sorting through some of the online videos that were posted on YouTube . She had found a cache of conspiracy videos that seemed to be about a lot of the topics she had been drawn to recently . The mysterious disappearances was one of them . She had just finished watching a video that related to a disappearance of a woman in 1963 . The video was a copy of an interview with the local sheriff and the woman 's husband along with several members of the community of Northwich , Nebraska done at the time of her disappearance . Everyone attested , even the sheriff , that Edith Langley had not run away . One day , she had just vanished . She was just about to start watching another video , uploaded by the same poster , when her phone rang . Her cell phone was on vibrate , but she could hear it going off as well . This startled her . The shrilling ring of the phone beside her made her jump as it sounded again . Still when she did not get a reply , she listened closely for some type of sound , she heard nothing . She knew the line was still open , because her phone was lit up . Deciding it was some jerk playing a joke on her , she hung up . She had just slammed the phone down , when she remembered to check the caller ID . It revealed nothing , other than the time and date of the call , and that they were of an " unknown number " . It gave her the chills and set her teeth on edge . But , her rational mind took over , and she chalked the call up to being just a wrong number . Reaching for her cell phone , that rested on the bookshelf by her window , she saw that she had one missed call , but that it too had been " unknown number " . Shrugging it off as a weird coincidence , she started the newest video . She was watching the video for a few moments , when her doorbell rang . " Awesome ! " she said , as she left her chair and went to the door . Forever the city - girl , she looked through the security peephole and saw the guy who always delivered her takeout . She was just thinking about the fact that he was the only delivery person the place had , when she opened the door with a smile . " Chi ! You 're working again tonight ? Don 't you ever get a night off ? " she asked as she exchanged her money for the food . He was really rather friendly and she always liked chatting with him when he came by . But , tonight , he seemed rather agitated . He smiled at her and said , " I 'd hang out , but I 've got to run . As soon as I finish work tonight , I 've got a thesis for school . " It didn 't take her long to devour her dinner , but of course , she couldn 't eat all of it . Stowing the leftovers in the refrigerator of her efficiency kitchen , she was just heading back to the computer for more video watching , when she thought she heard a sound by the front door . Feeling a bit shaken from all of the research she had been doing recently , she cautiously went to it . That much reading about conspiracies and " those out to get you " , and the " trust no one " , she was rather paranoid , she knew . Making double sure that she had secured the deadbolt , she could hear one of her neighbors out in the hallway , obviously coming home from work . She gave a sigh of relief at the fact that it was her neighbor and not some bogey man . She really needed to get a grip on herself ! Shaking her head at her silliness , she went to the coffee table and poured herself some more soda . She had never been much of a conspiracy theorist before , but as of the last 3 years there had been such a record of people going missing that she could not deny the facts . And , according to some of the videos , and the stories and interviews that she had read , these disappearances had been happening for quite some time . One online source , from the transcripts of a book dated 1956 and published in the United Kingdom , there was an account of a happening in the small village of Maghull , which was located right outside of Liverpool England . According to authorities half of the town 's village in 1832 disappeared overnight . There were no traces of struggle , robbery or anything else explainable . These people just disappeared . Returning to her door once again , she checked the locks and stood there . Leaning with her back against her front door , eyes closed for a moment , as she thought of all of the stories she had come across in just the few months of research , and there were more to go through . What could this mean ? Pushing away from the door , she decided that enough was enough for one night . She wouldn 't go back to work until Monday , so she could easily pick up her research tomorrow . Tidying up a bit , she put the soda away , and had just turned her computer off , when she heard another noise . This time it came from her bathroom . Her heart stilled in her chest , and she felt like she would lose her dinner . What the hell was in her bathroom . When she had gotten home , she had gone through all of the rooms , which was easy to do , since she lived in a small one bedroom , one bath apartment , where the front door led to a short hallway , that parted to the efficiency kitchen on the left , then the small living room to the right . Her bedroom was at the end of the hall , which led into her bathroom . There was not any place for any one to hide . Unless , of course , you account under the bed . She had not looked there . There hadn 't been a reason at the time . She was debating how long it would take her to get out of her home and into the hallway , when she heard another sound . It sounded like a grunt , as if someone had the air knocked out of them . She was just quietly sliding her feet into her slip - ons , grabbing her keys and her purse , when she heard her bedroom door open . Whoever they were , they were stumbling there way down her darkened hall , coming toward her . Running to her door , she had just slid back the security chain , unlocked the deadbolt , unlocked her door , and was opening it , when the door was thrust from her hands . The sound of the slam was so loud , it hurt her ears . She didn 't realize how long she had been crying , but tears ran down her cheeks . Survival instincts kicked in and she again threw open the door , only to find it pulled from her hands . Another slam resounded in her ears . Her heart thudded in her chest , her fingers grew cold and she felt bile rise in her mouth . In a rush of wind , that swirled about her , she was alone one moment and the man was beside her in the next . It was not even but just a few seconds that passed before he was standing beside her . She squeezed her eyes shut , she did not want to look at him , as he killed her or raped her . She was pressed up against the door , he did not touch her , he was to her right , but some unseen force , like a warm summer wind held her there . Her head was turned from him , and he whispered to her . She choked out , " I don 't believe you . " Hair , all over her body , stood on its ends . Chills crawled all over her , and she thought she would throw up and pass out at the same time . She had never been robbed . She had never had any run - ins with criminals and she was terrified . She knew things like this happened . She watched television , she read the newspaper . She knew what could happen . She was probably going to die tonight . She scoffed at his words , spitting out , " You 're not like me . I 'm stuck to a door , and you 're going to kill me ! " She couldn 't stop the tears from coming harder . She hesitated , wanting to defiantly start screaming then . But , the man held her against the door , without even touching her , she wanted to bring the walls down with her screaming , but nothing came out . She shivered a moment later , when she felt him tug at the hair band that held her hair up . At that , she was released from the invisible force that held her do the door . She was not expecting it , and landed on her backside in the floor . She couldn 't help but look up him , the man who had stood so close to her , had touched her hair . Sparkling grey eyes met hers . There was concern there , and something that looked like panic . His jaw was firm , his lips full , his eyebrows were raised in curiosity . His hair was black as night , and cut in a short military style . He was frightening , to say the least . He was at least 6 ' feet tall , as his head came to the top of the doorframe . He wore black trousers , that seemed to burst at the seems from his muscular thighs . His feet were encased in black leather boots and he wore a black shirt that barely contained his muscular arms and chest . Whoever he was , he was a hulk of a man . She didn 't look any further , she had to have fallen asleep at her computer , and was having a Chinese - Food - hallucinatory dream . She had done it before , some three months ago . Except then , she had dreamt that Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck were kickboxing in her kitchen . Looking down at her body , she tried to wake herself up . They say , whoever " they " are , that if you look down at yourself in your dream , especially your hands , you will wake yourself up . So , when looking down at her chest did not help , she lifted her hands and stared at them . She pulled back from him , when he tried to help her up . Ignoring her blatant attempt to avoid him , he grabbed her by the elbows , and in one swoop , she was standing on her feet . Steadying her , he eyed her warily , " We do not have much time . Upon my entry into your world , my Gai ' shin was damaged . " He stood there holding her by the elbows . They stood close to each other . She could smell him . He smelled of wood - smoke , fresh air and man . She didn 't know what was wrong with her , instead of having some lucid , wet dream , she needed to get up form the computer and go to bed . She found her arms thrust behind her back , painfully . There was no way , a hallucination could do this . She tried to fight him . Her self preservation working in overdrive , as she tried to squirm out of his hold . He was too strong for her , as he pulled her closer to him . He was so warm . His body was on fire , where she was made of ice . She needed to know what the hell was happening and what could she do to survive ! " Did you not hear what I said ? Stop struggling , Meka . I do not want to hurt you , but you are so tiny and frail that I 'm afraid I may . " he whispered into her hair . " My name is not Meka ! Get out of my home ! I promise I won 't call the cops , if you just leave ! " she cried out . He shook her again . After a moment , he went on , " You are awake . I know your name is not meka , that is an endearment , not a name . Your name is Valarie and I am not going anywhere . At least , not without you . " At that , she found herself lifted up against him , as he carried her over to the couch , he continued , " I will tell you again , we do not have much time . You must come with me . You are my buleshka vadeeda . You are in danger . Your whole world is . " He sat down on the coffee table across from her , his warm thigh brushing against her . He continued , a seriousness in his tone . Sadness filled the air at what he said , " You are being chased by the Darkness . It is by the Oracle 's words that I know You are my buleshka vadeeda . That is why I have come for you . When I appeared in your tub , the disturbances of this world 's balance , put me off so that was where I came into existence . " " You have noticed the disappearances , yes ? " she did not speak , but nodded her head slightly . He continued , " They are what you could call , cracks in space . It does not matter that it happened today , yesterday , last year , twenty years ago or tomorrow . They happen at the same time . " He moved to sit beside her on the couch , he drew her to him . She tried to struggle , but he was obviously stronger than her , and so he went on , " You have a choice , to survive , by my hand . But there are those , Servants of the Darkness , you may say , that want you to perish here . " " What do you care ? You don 't know me . " she gasped out , her face against his rough shirt . He felt familiar to her somehow , somewhere in her mind . " We already know each other , Meka . But , our time together must begin somewhere . It is here and now . You do realize that you know me . You do not know that you are my buleshka vadeeda , yet , but that is all right . But , every ending must have a beginning . " " I don 't understand . " she allowed herself to relax in his arms for just a moment . He was so warm and strong , familiar . But something nagged in her mind . She felt an urge to run . That was when she heard it , apparently he did too , because he stiffened against her . It was a change in the way things sounded . A sound with in a sound , but outside of sound . Her mind made no sense of it . " It 's time . It has caught up with me . Thusly , it has found you . Your time of choosing has come . " His words rumbled in his chest against her ear . She could hear what he was saying , but what she recognized was how his words felt against her . Their warm reverberation a comfort from within . She closed her eyes , and everything else fell away . " No , I don 't . I don 't know you . You break into my home , however you got into my bathtub . Now , you 're trying to convince me of something crazy ! " She tried to squirm from him again , her arms pushed at his shoulders , but he wouldn 't move . " You don 't understand the circumstances , but I am here . You must believe what I am saying . " He brought his lips to hers . The electric shock that hit her , was like a few thousand volts going through her body , burning her . Images seared her brain , she saw a laughing child being held in his arms , as Valarie hugged the both of them . The two year old girl had his black hair and her blue eyes . Who was this man ? At that moment , the other Valarie turned to look at her , " I 'm you . You don 't have much time to decide . You must go with buleshka vadeeda willingly , or we will all perish . This is our daughter Tamyn . She is beautiful . " At that the Other Valarie , who wore her hair loosely braided down her back , brown trousers , a white blouse and sandals , kissed the warrior and the baby , and turned to walk closer to Valarie , " All that Nasine says is true . You are at the end of this Reality , but you have the opportunity to choose to exist on . To help Nasine and those like him through this fight . You are a source of strength for him . That is why the Darkness wants you . If it beats him , he looses you , he looses his desire to fight the fight . The Darkness wins . But , as we 've said , you must willingly go with him , or you will bring the Darkness with you , and they , " she turned to gesture to the father and daughter , " will die . " " No , you 're not . You 're being given an opportunity to continue on . I knew the only way for you to even consider that Nasine was not a homicidal maniac was for him to kiss you , so that I could talk with you . " Valarie looked at the older , happier version of herself and understood . She had to take a chance . Pulling away from the vision , thusly , pulling from the man 's kiss , she demanded , " What the hell did you do that for ? " Ardour reflected in his eyes , as he looked down at her . He began to reach for her again , but she pushed her hand against him . " What is your name ? " He adjusted the two of them , so that they were closer . If he attempted to kiss her again , she didn 't know if she could pull away . He felt so good , and she felt so cold without him . He turned his head slightly to the side , his eyes locked on hers . He was trying to understand her . " The Darkness has had this plane marked for eons . You will cease , all of your lineage will fade into the dark of the existence . The space between space will not keep any of you . That 's what feeds the Darkness . " The endearment felt familiar to her and she felt a calmness settling over her . She knew this man , knew this place in time . Somehow , as unexplainable as it was , she knew . Her heart burned , she understood what she had to do . So many lives were at stake . But , if she did not go , she would not know what it was like to be with this man . If she did go , she could touch Heaven . Then she knew . She knew what he was . She gasped in recognition . She had always known . In shock , her hand unconsciously came to cover her open mouth . " Oh my god , I know you . " He had been in her life for as long as she could remember . Her earliest memory was from when she was 13 months old in her child 's bed , he had come to her parent 's home to install a security system . His black hair had been long then , pulled into a ponytail . Another vision , memory flashed in her head , of him , when she had entered kindergarten . He had been a substitute teacher for one day , in her class . He had never changed in the time between then and now . The only change that she could see was that his hair was short . " You know how I did this . " he replied . He reached for her again . This time she let him pull her closer . There was a sound at the door , a small scratching noise that terrified her . " What is that ? " At that , he stood up . Holding out his hand to her . She watched as large black wings rose up from his back . Their expanse reached out , almost from one side of the room to the other . She could feel the wind change as he stretched his wings for her . Rationally , she did not know if what she was about to do was the right thing or not . She could hear the world cracking around her , but she made her choice as she reached up for his hand . In response , she whispered , " I will go with you , willingly . " Immediately , he drew her into his embrace and shielded her eyes . With his hand at the back of her head , he stepped from the living room into the hallway , just as Valarie heard the wood of her front door split open . That was the only sound that came from the room . She heard nothing else , but the door breaking . She felt cold darkness as it stretched its fingers towards them . She could tell they were almost at the bathroom , She was startled when she heard a voice whine petulantly , " Where are you going , Angel ? No time for play time ? Come on , now , what fun is this ? Give me the girl , you know you don 't want this burden . " But neither of them responded to the voice . The slithering words sent chills throughout her , but before she could be truly afraid , she heard a sound like a door opening , a whoosh , and then warmth enveloped her . Were they safe ? Her eyes were still closed . She would not open them until he told her it was time . The cold that she had felt on her leg , in her bones , just seemed to have melted away . The warmth that she felt bathed her . I 've never been very savvy with computers . I did take several basic computer classes over the years , but never really a course on the Internet . So , I 've been learning my way around , slowly . The Internet , of course , has it 's ups and downs . Mainly , communication between people from all over the world is wonderful . You can even communicate with celebrities - people that the press fashion " untouchable " , mysterious . The Internet should show us that people are people , therefore , more approachable , which should make us all the more united , but I don 't think it will . I think we are too much of a dual race , we must have the negative and the positive to counterbalance . Something occurred to me a few weeks ago . I don 't think the world will ever have true peace . Not that I 'm an advocate of war , but I think that the world must have constant strife in order to move on . Breaking that down into a case of needing battle in order to recover ( a peacetime ) in order to evolve . Or perhaps not . It 's just my view anyway . I do think though that only true peace can exist within ourselves , and when we achieve that , only then can we manifest peace outwardly . With inner peace , a calm that can set within us all , we can show each other how to care , how to grow , and certainly how to evolve . So you see there are good things and bad things about the Internet . I 've mentioned one of the good things , now here is a bad . The Internet can suck up so much of our time ; it can also desensitize us . It can make us a slave to the chair we 're sitting in . It can block us off from doing things that are away from the nonphysical of the computer ; which could involve playing basketball with our friends , or taking photographs on the nature trail . But , I can see such a grand future for the Internet . Not only for the information aspect , but also the Future Tech aspect . I can see that we will be incorporating all of our entertainment , through this avenue . I don 't know how much of it I will be here to see , but it should be interesting . Well , as you can tell ( perhaps ? ) I am new here . I will try my best , to evolve myself on here well . Let 's hope . I believe I have always been a Scribe , hence the name . I make lists , I write story ideas down , quotes I hear in my head , dreams , poems , even memorable moments , sometimes unbiased . Of course , that can all be annoying to anyone reading a letter from me , due to my obsessiveness with making sure I get it all down . I believe I have wanted to be a writer for the longest time , but I have a terrible little demon . His name is Procrastination , and he likes to be fed regularly . So oftentimes , he creeps up from nowhere wanting me to get distracted by Facebook or Twitter . I 'm learning to control him , or at least distract him for a while , so that I can write more often . Current story : It 's about a young woman , who is kidnapped and taken to another dimension where she meets all kinds of different people , some human , others not . I believe in the power / art of the archetype . So , this story utilizes many different ones . I hope to finish it soon . @ drs 4 appointment right now . It was @ 4p & it 's 4 : 30 - now omg there 's a lady near me who will not stop talking to me - shut - the - fuck - up lady ! 2 weeks ago |
I had a bunch of different posts going through my head today . But then I went to post something on Facebook and it got me thinking . Not the first time I have had these thoughts , but I had to stop and think of how I worded something . I was uploading pictures to Snapfish because they had a 25 % off plus free shipping offer , which is great . I wanted to try to upload all of Coen 's pictures to date - basically his first three months worth . I was always behind for Sierra . I think I tried to finish before Adelyn was born , and mostly did , but then decided to do something different with the albums when I was " nesting " before Coen was born and got a bit further with printing out pictures . I was on a roll , but had to stop ordering them since we were down to one income . The sale ends tonight , and there is NO way I can upload all of Coen 's pictures . Because I have over 300 just from his first month ! Most people always say parents take more pictures of their first born . So I was going to write that whoever said parents take less pictures of their second child must be wrong , because I have over 300 of just Coen 's first month . And then I stopped - wait - he 's not my second child , but he is only the second child I got to experience bringing home and photographing . How do I word this ? So confusing . . . . . . . . I changed the wording to " second or third child " and added a comment underneath about it . It comes up a LOT in casual conversation - " my first walked at this age , my second was way earlier . . . . " or " the second one grows up faster and does things sooner because he watches the first one do it . " You see where it 's going . What do I say ? My first and my third ? Or do I just refer to Coen as my second because he WILL be the second one to do all these things , even though he is my third born . I really don 't know . There have been a few times that I just said nothing because I didn 't know what to say . I think we were talking about how much faster your labor / pushing is with your second . Mine wasn 't really , I mean the labor was faster but the pushing sucked . Again , I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about Adelyn 's delivery , who wants to be reminded that babies die during it ? Coen practically fell out because he was my third . . . . . . . . . . but I didn 't say that . I said nothing and felt uncomfortable . I 'm sick of being sick . I knew it would happen when I went back to work , but I didn 't expect to have a lingering sort of sicknes for three weeks . I finally got over that , and was just feeling like my normal self again last week . And now I 'm sick again . . . . . with the same thing ! My throat is scratchy and it strains and sort of hurts to talk . Not so great when I have to talk all day long at work . Trevor was off sick on Friday . Sierra has been coughing and Coen didn 't sleep at the baby - sitter 's much today because he was coughing . As a result , he was miserable tonight , and it hit right at dinner time . He was screaming , Trevor was complaining that the meat wasn 't completely cooked ( it was ! ) , Sierra was asking her usual 100 questions and taking forever to eat , and of course the TV was on . After dealing with little voices all day at work , it was way too much for me . My head was on overload . That is one downfall of working with kids all day . . . . . . Luckily , once Coen was bathed and fed , he went right to sleep . Sierra was doing everything she could to avoid going to bed . It worked for quite awhile . First she was doing Trevor 's hair then mine . Then we had to change her doll 's clothes and diapers and find beds for all of them . I love playing that stuff with her , and it 's been awhile , but of course I didn 't fully enjoy it because I don 't feel great and wanted to relax and get to bed early . Not a very exciting post , but it 's all I can manage tonight . Hopefully the germs leave our house and stay gone this time . This weather isn 't helping - it keeps going from cold to like 50 degrees . That is crazy for January ! Some people just " get it . " I 'm so thankful for these people . And I 'd like to think that because of Adelyn , I am now one of those people . I know I am , and I know this is a way that she has changed me for the better . It 's hard to believe that I would EVER say that . Once again I am going to write about lunch . What is it about lunchtime lately that keeps stirring stuff up ? One of my favorite coworkers - the one who made my day back in November by bringing over 3 Christmas ornaments , one for each of my children - walked in to where we eat lunch today . I greeted her and she told me to beware , she was in a mood and having one of those days . I instantly knew what she meant , and said I hadn 't had one in a while . She said neither had she , but that 's how it is . She at first said she wasn 't sure why she was having one of those days . We sat down with a few other teachers , and it hit me . I remembered a death notice about another teacher who I don 't really know but I know she works with a lot - his mother passed away . I knew that 's why , because she lost her father about two years ago . I looked at her and told her I knew why now . Lunch moved along , and somehow we got on the topic of a young man in the area whose body was found in the river . Apparently one of the teacher 's student teacher knew his family . So then the conversation went to the autposy to determine how he died - it is believed he got really drunk at a concert and fell into the river . How awful . Someone mentioned that she heard on the news it was going to take 12 - 24 weeks to get the autopsy back . Ugh - autopsies remind me of Adelyn . That was one of the hardest days , we waited and waited for the report and when it finally came in by my 6 week check - up , going over it was so tough . It is so graphic , and I remember feeling sick to my stomach knowing my baby girl was perfect , yet not here with us for no reason . I wanted so badly to chime in and saw " oh yeah , I know all about autopsies , my daughter 's took 7 weeks to come back and didn 't tell us much anyway . " But I didn 't , why I don 't know . I guess there were 2 people at lunch who don 't know about Adelyn . I guess I didn 't want to be a person who could talk about her daughter 's autopsy in general conversation . But I am , unfortunately . Here I go again , not saying anything when I couldThen the other people at lunch started talking about cancer and were asking my friend questions about her dad . I wanted to scream at them - " don 't you know she is having a bad day and you should not ask her those questions ! ! " I knew she was barely holding it together . But she did . After lunch I sent her an e - mail and told her all these things . I wrote about how last year , I probably would have ran out of there crying , but now I could just sit there and pretend to be okay , even though it still hurts just as much as it did a year ago . The first line of her e - mail back to me ? " Oh Lisa , you just get it . " Apparently , she had been thinking the exact same thing when the topic went to autopsies and wanted to ask me how long it took to get Adelyn 's back , just because she wanted to know , but wasn 't sure if she should . The next class period , she popped her head in and just looked at me , threw her hands up and shook her head . She said she just had to come down and tell me that I just get it in person . We chatted a little bit , and I told her how I was mad at myself for not saying anything , but that there were people who didn 't know . She said she probably would have asked me that question if there weren 't as many people there . She gets it too . And then , on my way home from work , I heard two songs that remind me of Adelyn , two songs that I consider part of my soundtrack of 2011 - The Band Perry 's " If I Die Young " immediately followed by Adele 's " Someone Like You . " I have to believe that was some sort of sign from Adelyn . As if she needs to remind me , I have been thinking about her constantly lately . Maybe it was her way of saying , " Mommy , it 's okay that you didn 't talk about the autopsy in front of all those people . You talk about it to those you are comfortable with , the rest will come . " Maybe it will , baby girl - until then , I will just keep taking baby steps . Coen 's upcoming baptism has been one of much debate . First , where ? We really loved the priest who married us and ended up performing Adelyn 's funeral service . We thought it would be great to have him baptize Coen , but it would have to be in the same place as Adelyn 's service . That is the only time we were in that chapel , too . But the more I thought about it , the more I decided that if I could go to the same hospital to have him , I could go to the same chapel . I think . . . . . Then there was the when . . . . because we have an outfit that every boy in our family was baptized in , except for my twin cousins because there are two of them . I believe the grand total is 9 boys have been baptized in it - my two first cousins and one of them has a son who wore it , my brother and my nephew , and my two " cousins - in - law " - who both have sons who were also baptized in it . I know , a lot of boys in my family ! Poor Sierra - now you know why I am so thankful my niece was a girl and why I wanted her to have a sister so badly . But anyway , I need Coen to fit in this outfit and it is going to be close , but we decided to chance it and make it be in February so we have time to prepare for it . Of course who to choose for Godparents is difficult . No one on Trevor 's side is Catholic or religious or really close to us . Can we use the same Godparents as we used for Sierra ? I feel like they should each have their own , but I can 't think of anyone else who would be better . Then there were the invitations . I kept going back and forth but knew I needed to make them and send them out soon ! So I got Coen dressed in the outfit tonight and took a picture to use on the invitation . And I must say , I LOVE how it turned out . Here is a sneak peak : We went out to dinner Saturday night , without the kids , for Trevor 's birthday . We went to one of those Hibachi grills , so we sat with others . There was a girl and her mother and a couple with their two little girls . They were maybe 4 and 7 or so . I couldn 't help but stare at them and wonder . . . . . what would it be like to have two little girls ? We were making small talk with the couple next to us and asked if they went there a lot . We said we went every now and again but it was hard to get out with small kids . Next question of course was how old are your kids ? Trevor answered , " our daughter is 3 . 5 and our son is 3 months . " They said congratulations on the new baby and then THE comment , with a new twist - " oh one of each , so are you done then ? " I nodded immediately and Trevor just yes . The lady commented on how quickly I nodded my head . Really it was not because I am the one who for sure doesn 't want any more kids - I wouldn 't rule out having one more a few years from now , but I am also just fine with not having any more ( for the record , Trevor says absolutely no more ) . I quickly answered because I was worried Trevor was going to say something about Adelyn . And now I feel guilty about it ( I told you every single type of guilt is swarming around me right now ) . I hate it so much - no matter how I answer , it is uncomfortable . If I leave Adelyn out , I feel SO guilty . If I bring her up , then it is awkward and people don 't look at me the same . What to do ? ? ? ? I don 't think there will ever be an answer to that question . I had planned to write a completely different post today , but no the guilt had to creep in . I hate guilt , it is such a horrible feeling . Unfortunately , it is also a common feeling for me lately . Today , every single type of guilt that is possible made its ugly way into my head . Mommy guilt - the most common type for me . I feel like I never have time to enjoy my kids . I vow daily to care less about everything else and just spend some quality time with them . Yet , there are things that have to get done - such as laundry , cleaning up the dog hairs , dishes , cooking , getting things ready for the next work day , etc . During the work week , I only have 4 hours to do all those things , and on the weekends I am usually playing catch up . I so often find myself putting something on TV for Sierra and plopping Coen in his bouncy seat in front of the TV or in his swing so I can complete these things , and I feel SO guilty . When I am spending time with the kids , either I am feeding Coen or maybe eating a meal with Sierra . Rarely do I actually play with them like I would like . I want to , but then I am so tired from completing daily , necessary chores , that I just want to relax in quiet . Then I feel even more guilty that once again , I didn 't play with them as much as I wanted . What a cycle . . . . . Going along with Mommy guilt is the more specific Sierra guilt . I miss Sierra and mommy time . I miss getting her ready in the morning , giving her baths , letting her do my hair or playing baby dolls with her . I absolutely love all these girly things , and I will never get to do them again . She 's growing up so fast , I don 't want to miss out on all this stuff . Yet lately , I feel like I am . I am so busy feeding Coen every 3 - 4 hours , changing his diaper , changing clothes from spit up or diaper explosions , washing stupid pump parts twice a day . . . . you get the idea . I feel like I have no time for her and it kills me . Her daddy gets her up and ready in the morning , and there are quite a few of them where she is crabby and doesn 't want to get up . This leads to crying at 6 : 45 am , while I am downstairs feeding Coen . Many times I hear her yelling " I want mommy " in between the tears , and it breaks my heart not to run to her and scoop her up in a big hug . Not that magically that would make her stop crying , sometimes I think kids always want the other parent - but seriously I have yet to hear her say " I want daddy . " Whoever said little girls are all daddy 's girls - well , so far that 's not the case with Sierra . It just seems like right now , I end up taking care of Coen more and Trevor gets Sierra . It just makes sense , since I am the only one who can feed him and most nights his before bed feeding is right during bath time for Siera , so I miss that as well . Which leads to me always getting to do Coen 's baths , because it hurts Trevor 's back and it 's only fair . I know it will get easier when Coen is bigger and easier to take care of - sorry to any men reading but I just think women are better at dealing with little babies . Yet , I don 't want to wish away his baby - hood , since he will be our last baby and I love babies . Let 's move along to wife guilt - today is Trevor 's birthday and he had to go into work . I felt so bad , but he had to fix all these mistakes other people made that are on him . It 's hard to relax and enjoy your day when you are worried about something . Then we were going to go over my parents ' house for dinner , but he didn 't get home till 5 and I had not been able to get a lot of stuff done around the house with him at work . I had to finish laundry , wash dishes , vaccum . . . . plus get all our stuff ready for the next day of work . I had planned originally on meeting him over there and stopping on the way to pick up a coconut cream pie for him , his favorite . Well when things got all messed up and we didn 't go , we were both in crappy moods . And I felt SO guilty that he didn 't even get a good meal on his birthday , and not even a cake . Since we had planned to go to my parents , I didn 't have anything set out . And now we have work guilt - do I really give my best effort while at work when I would MUCH rather be home with my kids ? Most days I am exhausted , I stay up till about 11 because I need time to relax and then I have to pump before bed and wash the parts so they are ready for the next morning . I dread it , procrastinate , and end up staying up later than I should . I get up every morning at 5 . It 's so tiring , I was playing catch up for awhile , but I still need to get better organized as far as planning therapy activities . It would help if I didn 't have a meeting every single morning ! I even have dog - owner guilt - I love my dog so , so much . But I feel like I neglect him because I barely have time to take care of myself these days . He has not had a bath since before Coen was born , or even a brush or a nail trim . His nails are so long , but it 's so cold to go outside and trim them . In the summer , I wash him outside with the hose . But in the winter I take him to get groomed - because I refuse to bathe him in the bathtub and then clean it all out , plus the dog smell never quite goes away . Taking him to get groomed is a big ordeal with two little kids , especially when one is a baby who nurses every 3 - 4 hours . I have to plan my trips out , because I don 't like giving him bottles on weekends or nights - more work for me because then I have to pump and wash it all . I even have a bit of daughter guilt , because we cancelled on dinner at the last minute . And because I feel like my parents are constantly helping me out and what do I do for them ? I feel like I just take and take and rarely give back , but I don 't have much left to give at the end of a work week . I can 't even imagine what it would be like if we didn 't have them around to help us though . So yes , the guilt is eating me alive today . It feels a little better now that I got it out , and now that both kids are in bed , the laundry is done , the house is vacuumed , and lunches are packed for tomorrow . Let 's just hope I get all 50 some of my progress reports written on clerical day tomorrow . . . . . . . . . . Dare I say it , but finally I am caught up at work . Meaning , all 50 some students that I see have up to date files , with the right goals on their progress sheets and all the data transferred into Excel spreadsheets . Now it is all ready for me to write 50 some progress reports Monday on clerical day . Ugh . I loathe the end of each 9 weeks , because it means tons of paperwork . I am glad we get a clerical day at the end of the semester , especially because I was so behind that I haven 't started any yet . But I really hate sitting in front of a computer all day - I am just not cut out for that kind of work . I can 't focus - I get bored . I need people to talk to ! Speaking of work stuff , let 's go back to Wednesday . On Wednesdays , I have a window in the room I use for speech , which is quite rare . Usually the speech therapists get old closets to use . Actually , this room is probably a storage room because it does not run off the same heat that the rest of the building is on and gets quite cold . So anyway , as I was working with some students and looking out the window , it started to snow . Beautiful , big snowflakes that were hitting against the window . It was so pretty I wanted to capture it on my phone camera , but I decided it would not be a great example to set for my students - getting out my phone and taking a picture in the middle of a lesson . So I refrained myself , and by the time the kids left , it stopped snowing . It made me think of Adelyn and all the babies in heaven , since I have heard that snowflakes are kisses sent from heaven . At the hosptial memorial service we attended for Adelyn back in December ( which I never got to write about because it was right when I went back to work and things were crazy ) , we received a snowflake ornament that says " babies are unique , just like snowflakes . " I was excited that they had pink ones : ) So now snowflakes remind me of Adelyn too . Today at work , I was drilling a student on the " s " sound and the word that came up was " same . " She was to make up her own sentence and she said " _________ " and " _______ " look the same . I recognized the one name as her sister 's name , but the other I wasn 't sure of . It doesn 't help that this student 's speech is very hard to understand . So I asked , and she told me it was her sister who died . Then she said that sister is ( not was ) 12 and talked about her for a minute . I will add that I am pretty sure her sister died before she was born , but I 'm not sure . I did ask her about her sister , but again , she is so hard to understand I didn 't get it all . And then somehow dogs came up , and she told me that when her last dog died , she thinks he saw her sister in heaven . I really almost cried . What a sweet child . In that moment , I vowed that my ( living ) children will be just like her - not afraid to speak of their deceased sister and proudly talk about her like this student . Today was a good day at work . I wore a pair of prepregnancy pants - not my " fat " pants as I call them that I bought to get me through those in - between weeks , but regular pants . Maybe they were not the most comfortable , but they did button ! Yay ! I even had enough energy to take my poor neglected dog for a very short walk around the block before I picked up the kids . This of course was brought on by a talk during lunch about that topic . It 's so hard to take good care of a dog on top of everything else . Just add it to my mommy guilt that I don 't walk him enough or that I rush him to go outside and do his business faster because I am always hurrying to get something else done . Ahhh . . . . but my dog is my first baby and I love him so much . And now for the best part of this post - Coen 's 3 month picture that I could not get to load last week . Cutest hat ever ! And the baby wearing it is just a little cute too ! Last week , I was in the teacher 's lounge for lunch and talking to a teacher who is pregnant and due soon . She goes to the same group of doctors as I did . Turns out she had to start getting nonstress tests , and as soon as she said that , it was like a flashback to when I was pregnant with Coen . I commented out loud about it , and she said she thought of me when she had to do it . I mentioned the poem on the wall and she immediately knew the exact one I was talking about - I wrote about it here . It actually made me sad that I am done with all that , because it is so exciting for her . I tend to forget how hard it was for me sometimes because of the happy ending we got . Anyway , the conversation went to full blown pregnancy / labor / baby talk - and I sat there and participated like it was nothing . That is something that I never would have been able to do , if it wasn 't for having Coen . Thank you baby boy ! ! However , it still feels a little uncomfortable because I tend to talk about Sierra and Coen 's pregnancies and deliveries , but not Adelyn . I guess I feel like talking about a baby who died during labor isn 't the nicest thing to do in front of a pregnant woman . But yet that is one of the few things that I have to talk about for Adelyn . I can 't talk about when she smiled or laughed or walked . Only about when I was pregnant with her or when she was born . I even hesitate to talk about how fast Coen was born because he was my third baby . I hate that , why can 't I just say it and not care if it makes others uncomfortable ? Even at lunch at a different school last week , a teacher asked to see my Pandora charms . When she saw the little girl charm my husband got me on Adelyn 's birthday , she said oh now you need the little boy for Coen . Actually I need another girl AND a boy because you see I have three kids not two . I didn 't say that but I thought it . Instead I told her that my husband got it for me on Adelyn 's birthday and explained the rest of my charms . All three kids ' birthstones , the Angel of hope and a charm that says hope . A lotSo yes , I can talk about babies and pregnancies now , but some things are still hard for me . I saw some pictures of a few pregnant friends on Facebook . I am not sure if I can put into words how things like that make me feel . I don 't have a meltdown or cry even , but my heart hurts a little . I guess deep down I am just a little jealous that they can enjoy their pregnancies so naively . Take pictures of their bellies , of the nurseries waiting for babies to come home to , being able to assume that their babies will come home . I know that I did get to do this , with a fairytale ending that is Sierra . But seeing that kind of stuff , it reminds me of coming home to a nursery with every single detail ready - diapers , wipes , clothes hung in the closet , clean sheets and changing tables - but no baby . I thought that having a rainbow baby would make those feelings go away , but it didn 't . It helped a lot , but it still hurts . Another thing that still hurts , is hearing about someone having a second daughter . That happened today . I felt my heart sink - and I can only try to explain why . Mostly because it takes me back to finding out we were having a second daughter , and all the hopes and dreams that instantly came with that , and how we never got to live those out . It 's because I will always long to raise another daughter , because I thought I was going to get to , but I didn 't . It 's because I wanted Sierra to have a sister to grow up with , to giggle with and play dolls with . It is NOT because I wish Coen had been a girl . Did I hope that before he was born - yes , more than anything . I prayed and pleaded for a third daughter . Did I care that he was a boy the moment I saw him ? No . Would I change him ? Not a chance . Just wanted to clear that up in case it sounded that way , because I love my little boy just the way he is , but at the same time I wish my second daughter was here also . One thing I will say , is that I cannot imagine that all those happy , naive pregnant women or new moms will ever be able to appreciate their babies as much as someone who lost one . I can 't see how it is possible . . . . . . Both my living kids have helped me heal in completely different ways , and that is a special bond that we share . Last weekend I took down Adelyn 's Christmas tree . It made me sad because I felt like now I had nothing in my house that symbolized her . First I had her wreath on the front door for the whole month of September , then I had the pink " HOPE " pumpkin on the dining room table for October and November , and then I had her pink tree . So I started thinking . . . . . . now what ? Valentine 's Day means roses - typically red roses - but pink roses for Adelyn , since that is her flower . I went to Michael 's last weekend to return something I didn 't use when I made her Christmas candle , and I came across a wreath made out of pink roses in the shape of a heart . Of course I did not have my coupon with me , and I refuse to buy anything full price there . I figured I would go back the next day or during the week with my coupon and get it . Today was the first chance I had to get back there , of course . Having a newborn , especially when nursing , makes it very hard to get out . And you know what - the wreath was all sold out : ( I was so sad , I really wanted it ! The week between my first visit to Michael 's when I saw the wreath and my visit today , I started thinking of projects I could do . I decided somehow that I wanted to make a centerpiece for my dining room table . Not sure why , since it is always covered in junk and we never use it , but there just isn 't enough room in our kitchen for one . I decided it would have pink roses , hearts , and whatever else I found . Today I had about an hour and a half to run a few errands . First , I went in the Dollar Store to buy cards . I was looking for a card for my mother - in - law and husband , both have birthdays in the next week . The one I bought for her had lit candles , which reminded me of Adelyn . I almost got one that had rainbows on it , but I didn 't like the wording . The selection wasn 't great this trip , so I didn 't find a card I liked for my husband , but I did find one for him for Valentine 's Day , and it has one pink rose on the front . I always check out the thank you cards when I am there , you can 't beat the price and we will be needing some for Coen 's baptism . That always reminds me of when I bought the sympathy thank you cards , which were right next to the baby thank you cards . They have different ones now , but they have been the same ones the last few trips . Every time I think about how I wish they would have had those ones when I bought them because I really like them . But I 'm glad I don 't need them anymore ! So then I walked about Michael 's and everything there seemed to remind me of Adelyn . Pink roses and flowers , butterflies , a candle holder in the shape of a pink rose , so many little things that said faith , hope , and / or love on them ( garden stones , tables , little pots ) . I even found a little Valentine angel . They had large storage boxes with roses and butterflies , I almost bought one to put all of Adelyn 's things in , but I still am not sure what to do with them - as in combine them into one or keep them as is . I was looking in the dollar bins while waiting in line and the notecards I picked up had pink roses on them . I can 't explain the feeling , I just know that somehow I felt her presence . All over that store . I found so many things I wanted ! I only bought two pink rose bouquets , a little rock with flowers that says hope ( I may put it on my desk at work , not sure yet ) , and the Valentine angel that says " love you . " I have lots of vases already from flowers I have received , and somewhere I have little red glass hearts that I want to put in the vase . I 'm not sure how this is going to turn out , hopefully how I see it in my head . I really haven 't a clue how I am going to find time to make this though ! And here I go again , starting another project before finishing the other 100 I have ! I do seem to finish my Adelyn projects though , once I have an idea in my head for her I won 't stop until it turns out just like I want it . I guess since I can 't do anything else for her , it 's kind of my way of " parenting " her . Coen is three months old today . Where does the time go ? ? He is starting to actually do things now , which is fun . I love babies around this age , so I am trying to enjoy every second while looking forward to all the milestones and fun stuff he will be doing in the next few months . The best thing Coen does now is smile ! I have had a hard time catching one , but he smiles a lot . Now he smiles when you look at him or talk to him and that is great . It is seriously the best thing ever . Baby smiles can pull you out of any sort of bad mood ! They are addicting - once he starts smiling , we will just stare at him and keep trying to get him to smile . I love it . He has also started cooing and making noises . One night , Trevor was sticking his tongue out and Coen watched him and was trying really hard to do it , too . He has even tried to blow raspberries - sometimes he is successful ! Lately Coen has been trying to get his whole fist in his mouth - which leads to lots of drool . Sometimes I swear he just spits ! I really hope he doesn 't have to wear bibs all the time like Sierra did around this age . I wish I could take Coen in just to see how much he weighs and how long he is ! I hate not having exact measurements for his baby book . My estimates say between 12 and 13 lbs and around 24 - 25 inches . It is hard to tell , but I weighed myself ( UGH ) and then weighed myself holding him , and the difference was about 12 lbs . I 'm not so sure because he was 11 . 5 last month and seemed to have grown since then , but then again lately I feel like he hasn 't as much - he doesn 't feel as heavy to me . Maybe I am just used to him . He does still fit in 0 - 3 month clothes though , so my estimates are probably right . I hope he stays in that size for a little while longer , because he still has some he hasn 't worn . Although with the way he poops through outfits , it is a good thing he has so many ! Coen has been sleeping through the night pretty regularly this past month . Of course last night he woke up at 12 and I am so tired today because he started fussing just as I was going to bed . Hoping it was a fluke because I need my sleep , especially with all these germs floating around . I feel like I 'm getting sick again . Really ? ! You know how certain songs remind you of certain events ? Well , I feel like ever since Adelyn died , music has taken on a whole different level . There are so many songs that will forever be linked to so many moments for this year . Some of them are so funny or random , I had to share . Mostly for myself to remember . I think that the first part of 2011 is a blur of grief and emotions . The first song that I remember attaching a memory to is The Band Perry , " If I Die Young " . I heard it for the first time on American Idol , and quickly became attached to it . My favorite lyrics are these : A song that will always make me smile and bring a happy memory - Rihanna 's " S & M . " I was jamming to it in the car one day and Sierra was with me . For some reason she thought when the song says " sex in the air " that it really was saying Sierra ! I got a good laugh about that one . I also realized I better watch what I am listening to ! A completely different song to touch my emotions was Adele " Someone Like You . " I 'm not sure why , but the mood of the song just matched mine for most of August and September , right when it was always on the radio . And a few of the lines : " Don 't forget me " " Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead " - because it hurt so badly to lose her " Nothing compares , No worries or cares , Regrets and mistakes , They are memories made . Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste ? " - especially that last part about it being bittersweet . On to a very random song . This song will always remind me of our trip to Erie , that turned out to be a disaster . Sierra thought this song was funny , and Trevor and I couldn 't figure out the lyrics . And somehow it became " Daddy 's song " to Sierra . It seems to come on a lot when we are in the car , and we turn it up and sing and laugh . Yes , another song with horrible lyrics . What am I doing to my kid ? This song was all over the radio right before Coen was born , and so it will always remind me of that time . Of those moments when I felt hopeful and excited about his birth . They were rare , but they did start to appear towards the end . The only lyric of this song that makes sense is " This time I 'm not leaving without you . " It 's Lady Gaga 's " You and I " . I still think of those moments when I hear it . I think I was trying to get myself geared up by thinking I wasn 't leaving that hospital again without my baby - and I didn 't . Thursday was one of those days . I apologize for boring you or sounding like I am complaining but I want to write about my day . Because bad days make us appreciate the good ones even more . And because someday I think I will laugh about it . My day started at 4 am when Coen woke up crying . He has not woken up at night for weeks , so we were surprised . Trevor tried to put him back to sleep without me feeding him , but didn 't work . I didn 't want to feed him too much and mess with the routine but at the same time I just wanted to go back to sleep ASAP . So I fed him and then of course he pooped and it went all up the back of his diaper and got all over his pajamas . So there I was at 4 am , spraying Dreft and cleaning poop stains out of pajamas . I should have known how the day would go . By the time I was done , it was 5 , which is when I get up anyway . I sat on the edge of my bed , looking at the clock , knowing I could not go back to sleep , but knowing if I laid down I would fall right back asleep . I knew it would be a long day . Trevor got Sierra up at about 6 : 45 . She wasn 't happy and was crying while he got her ready . I was downstairs feeding Coen but I could hear her crying . I hate that , it makes me feel so guilty that I can 't run to her . Like that would magically make her stop crying - but still . I was always the one who got her up and ready last year . It makes me want to cry to hear her cry . She was fine by the time I dropped her off though , thankfully . I am still getting into the groove at work , but I still feel so unorganized . I never get to use my preps to prepare for students or do the paperwork I hate so much - I have either had meetings or use my prep to pump . I 've got to figure something else out , because it is majorly stressing me out to not be organized and to not be doing the best job I feel I can and should do . The one good part of my day was when somehow the topic of siblings came up and this one student corrected me and said that she has two sisters but one died . I knew this , but the fact that she always comes right out and says it has a whole different meaning to me now . Then she told me how her sister would be 12 and they still sing happy birthday to her every year . By the end of the day , it was piling up . Then my last student of the day literally yelled at me the entire 30 minute session . " I don 't want to ! " " I don 't get it ! " Oh my . This student is in Kindergarten , mind you . His speech is really bad , but how can I help him when I get this kind of reaction every time I try to ? Wow . The entire school heard it and at one point the principal even came in to help . It worked , for a few minutes anyway . I feel bad for the kid , actually . After this , I wanted to sit on the floor and cry I was so frustrated . I needed to get more work done , but I also needed to get home to feed Coen and be with my own kids . Of course my kids won and I left instead of getting more work done , but I was stressed about it . I got home to a huge pile of cat puke in the family room . Nice . I hurried up and let the dog out before rushing over to pick up the kids . Coen had pooped through two outfits , one even went through to his snowsuit ! More work for me . The baby - sitter forgot to put a pull up on Sierra during naptime and so of course this would be the day she peed everywhere while napping . I found it a little bit funny , but it was more laundry for me . As soon as I walked in , Sierra started with " I don 't want to leave . I 'm still playing . " This time nothing helped and she would not listen . I tried putting her boots on and she kicked them off . She was just screaming and wouldn 't stand up at all . I didn 't know what to do , so I put her coat on , picked up her boots , and carried her across the street . There was no way I could carry all 30 pounds of her , plus the car seat with Coen in it , and their bags . And Sierra 's doll Rosie , too . So I plopped her in the front door and ran back over to get Coen . When I got back home she was still sitting right by the front door . After about 10 minutes , she cheered up and cooperated . I got the cat puke cleaned up too . Always good to do that before Trevor sees it , because one of these days he is going to find a new home for our cat if she keeps it up . Trevor was in his month end closing this week so wasn 't getting home until 8 . Of course he was rightfully in a rotten mood all week on top of it all . Thankfully he got home sooner that night and things turned around . Except when he found cat puke on our bed - yuck . Luckily Friday went much better on all accounts ! The kids at work were good and Sierra came home willingly . She didn 't even give me a hard time about getting ready for dance class ! We got to see her costume for the recital and it is so cute - purple and frilly and comes with a teddy bear wearing the same outfit . How perfect ! By Friday night , my house looked like a bomb went off on it . Dishes in the sink , papers and mail all over the kitchen table , toys everywhere , shoes and boots and bookbags and diaper bags piled by the front door . Instead of worrying about it , I laid on the couch after the kids went to bed and watched Grey 's Anatomy . This episode really got to me . When they showed Teddy in the morgue with Henry 's body , it instantly took me back to seeing Adelyn the day after she died . That is not a good memory , and I found myself crying for the first time in awhile . It made me miss her so much . Like so many Meredith Grey quotes , this one spoke to me - " You can 't prepare for a sudden impact . You can 't brace yourself . It just hits you out of nowhere . And suddenly , the life you knew before is over . Forever . " How true is that ? Seeing that scene where Teddy looks at her dead husband 's body , was like a sudden impact to me . It brought the pain back . Just like losing Adelyn was a sudden impact , a VERY sudden impact . And the life we knew before that moment IS over , forever . I can 't believe it 's over . I spent the majority of it sick . I knew it would happen as soon as I went back to work . I did not think it would last 2 weeks . I wasn 't so sick that I could 't do anything , just sick enough to not feel 100 % . I don 't know what this thing was , but it was annoying . Every morning I woke up with a headache , no energy , and just didn 't feel like myself . The best way I can describe it is feeling hung over , despite the fact that I hadn 't drank the night before . Things I DID accomplish : Christmas decorations are put away . Well , in the bins ready to go in the attic . All but Adelyn 's tree and ornaments . Partly because I ran out of time , partly because it makes me sad to take it down . I decided this year that I am going to put her ornaments , candles , wreath , and anything else I have in a container under my bed . I 'm too afraid an ornament will break or the candle will melt . I think I am ready to move her memory boxes there as well . Why under our bed ? Because as of now , there is nothing under it ! I cleaned out my closets and gave about 5 bags of clothes to Goodwill . I haven 't worn regular clothes in so long , I think some were outdated . Ha ha . Others I was never going to fit back into , no matter how hard I try . But I did get a pair of prematernity pants buttoned tonight . Yay ! Now , it 's not comfortable and doesn 't look pretty , but with the sweater I am wearing you cannot see the muffin top . I sure hope I find time to exercise because I am not liking how my belly looks and feels right now . I know I just had two babies in two years , but that makes me all the more impatient to get my body back . It 's about time ! In the process of going through my clothes , I came across the shirt I was wearing when I went to the hospital in labor with Adelyn . It was the last of my maternity clothes hanging there , the rest I cleared out a few weeks ago . I did move it to the back of the closet , and that was as much as I could manage . It didn 't make me sick to my stomach , but it did make me sad . I think one day I will put it with Adelyn 's things . While it is not a good memory - but what is - it is a memory nonetheness and those are rare when it comes to Adelyn so I will save it . Plus I just can 't bear the thought of someone else wearing it . The rest of my maternity clothes I gave to my neighbor to borrow because she is pregnant . We have been trading maternity clothes for the past 3 years ! I think this is the final trade though . And so Christmas break is over and it 's back to work . I better get to bed , because 5 am is going to come too quickly . Especially since all of us have been sleeping in till 8 - Coen included . Over break he started sleeping about 11 hours a night . Pretty good for a 2 . 5 month old - but just like his big sister ! The Year Before Last Author UnknownThe holiday season is approaching , and with it comes the New Year . Although for me time passes slowly , New Year 's Day will ring in quickly . I dread this New Year 's Day because they will look at me in a terribly strange way when I get misty - eyed , and talk about something you had done . After you first left me , they reasoned when I cried , " He 's only been gone a few months . " And I would catch that look of understanding in their eyes , and found some comfort that they knew . But on last New Year 's Day , my first thought upon awakening was , Oh God , my son died last year , not just a few months ago , not even this year , but last year . He will never live in this year . They didn 't understand , they didn 't reason , that last year , for me , the loss was still new . They thought , " It happened last year , so long ago , why does she still cry ? " I could see it in their eyes . This New Year 's Day , will it be different ? Will my first thought upon awakening be , Oh God , my son died the year before last , not a few months ago , not this year or even last year , but the year before last ? He will never live in this year . Will they even listen , should I not look them in the eyes , for fear that I shall see , " Why is she still crying ? It happened so long ago . It was the year before last . " Those words that we use to describe the passage of time , a few months , this year , last year , the year before last . They don 't know that time stands still for me . Will they understand that 's why I cry ? Don 't they know my son just died . . . the year before last ? 0 I 'm not sure how I feel about the year 2011 . I guess if I had to describe it in one word , it would be bittersweet . To say it was the hardest year of my life would be an understatement . Yes , 2010 was difficult because my baby died that year . But she also lived that year - the first 9 months of 2010 were some of the best of my life , at least at the time . Now those moments that brought me so much joy make my heart sink when I think of them . 2011 however - the first entire calendar year without Adelyn . She never lived at all this year . But she did live in my heart and in so many others ' hearts as well . Grieving Adelyn while being pregnant with Coen - I can 't even desribe how hard that was for me . Everything about my pregnancy with Coen felt so bittersweet . Ultrasounds , doctors telling me everything looked perfect , nonstress tests , even maternity clothes . They all brought back memories of Adelyn . They reminded me of how naive and happy I was when I was pregnant with her , and how I did NOT feel that way this time . And then I felt guilty about how I was feeling , and also about having another baby so soon . I felt like once I had another baby , everyone would forget Adelyn . And so all those emotions going through my head , not to mention the physical discomfort of back to back pregnancies , the hormones - it was a tough year . The same year that brought some of the most difficult moments of my life , also gave me one of the best moments . Go figure . That 's why 2011 will always be very bittersweet for me . Here 's to 2012 - hoping it brings us more sweet and less bitter moments . Although I know there will always be bittersweet moments in our lives , as we continue moving forward , living - but remembering our sweet baby girl who isn 't here with us at the same time . Maybe the new year will help us learn how to balance it all even better . That 's a tough task . Something about New Year 's makes me miss Adelyn more . Maybe holding it together through Christmas , maybe another year passing since I held her , I don 't know . I thought about her all day today , and missed her . Happy New Year Adelyn ! Every new year is one year closer to holding you again in Heaven . We love you baby girl . I am a mother of three beautifully unique children . Our oldest daughter Sierra , our middle daughter Adelyn who inspired this blog , and our youngest son Coen , our rainbow baby . I have a wonderful husband and family . Most days I love my job . This blog is my way of sharing my feelings to those who want to read them . It is also my place to remember and be with Adelyn . |
How I wish I had had a camera this morning . First some background . Every morning , I feed the cats then read my e - mail and blogs . Then it 's time to shower . Usually Crash and Burn are hovering around me , but today was different . Only Crash was around and I wondered where Burnie went . He wasn 't napping in any of his usual spots . Instead of making my bed , I decided to change my sheets today , so I emptied the pillow cases and just tore my quilt from my bed . There , all comfy under the quilt was Burnie . He woke up , shook his head in disbelief and wonder . His look said , " What happened " and then , " How dare you disturb my sleep " . After I took the sheets off , I picked him up , put him back on the bed and covered him with the quilt and he happily went back to sleep . I shouldn 't have been too surprised that he was there . I often go into one of the bedrooms and see a lump on the bed . Burnie loves to climb up under the covers and nap for hours and hours . But I thought he only liked neatly made beds . Have you heard about the octoplets ? When I first heard , I was excited for the parents . Now , not so much . I truly believe that anyone who wants children has a right to have those children . But not in this case . You can read the full article here http : / / www . msnbc . msn . com / id / 28927339 / ( I still can 't link ) . This woman , a single mother living with her parents already has six children . I would never suggest that she should have aborted any of the babies , they should never have been conceived in the first place . Who is supporting her first six children , who will support these eight ? I know this is a controversial stand , but in my opinion , the embryos or fertility drugs should not be available to single women , much less to single mothers of six . Her mother said she is fairly young , possibly she was influenced by some TV shows about large families and wasn 't aware that these families have the maturity and means to raise such a large family . Taxpayers of California get ready to support a single mother of 14 or more in the coming years . Yesterday I received a weather warning stating that my area was about receive a severe storm . We could expect snow , followed by rain and sleet and falling temperatures . Since I had no major plans for the day I wasn 't too concerned . This morning when I woke up , I heard the snowplow and realized the weatherman was right . Then I looked out the window . There was a lot of snow on the lawn and about an inch on the walkway . Then it started raining . Then the temperature started rising to 47 degrees . It got very foggy and it 's been raining off and on all day . The temperature is now 39 degrees and may drop to 27 . So much for the severe storm . The weatherman was wrong again and I was so looking forward to some snow . I 've been hearing a lot about the new stimulus bill before congress . If I understand the reports I have heard , and correct me if I 'm wrong , some money will be released this year , a little more in 2010 , more in 2011 and the bulk in 2012 . Has no one made the connection that most of the money will be released in an election year ? Coincidence , I think not . I don 't see how releasing the money in 2012 will help the economy now . Last night we had a performance at our clubhouse by Johnny T . He is billed as the man of many voices . He sings in the style of Dean Martin , Frank Sinatra , Tony Bennett , etc . At first we weren 't sure whether he was really singing or lip - syncing . I 'm still not sure . In any event , he was very talented . He also did salutes to The Temptations , Bobby Rydell , Frankie Valli , Dion and the Belmonts , Elvis , Paul Anka and one of my favorites Bobby Darin . It was a wonderful trip down memory lane , including my sitting on the sidelines while the couples danced . The only difference was that there were a few of us singles sitting there this time . I wish we had been warned about the dancing . It didn 't bother me too much , I 'm used to sitting out a dance , but some of my friends were used to dancing with their husbands and it brought back too many memories for them . I decided to bring a bottle of wine . So it seemed did everyone else . For a table of 10 , we had about five bottles of wine , some soda . And the snacks . We had nuts , chips , dip , crackers and a new snack that I had never had - potato and corn baked . It looked a lot like cheese doodles and was delicious . There was a good variety of wine and snacks . We certainly had enough to eat . It was a great night and I particularly enjoyed listening to my old music . As promised , I 'm giving Burn almost equal time . But first I have to tell you something about him . Almost every morning he wakes me up around 6 : 00 , I guess he 's hungry . I wouldn 't mind if he just meowed , but no , he has to tap me . The problem is that he doesn 't control his claws very well and he winds up poking me in the face with his claws . Sometimes he even tries to comb my hair . This morning was the worst . There I was peacefully enjoying an early Saturday morning when he jumped onto the bed and then onto me , then onto my head . I tried ignoring him , but it was very difficult , especially with what felt like a 50 lb . cat ( I know he doesn 't weigh that much , but it felt like it ) on my head . Of course , I did get up and feed him and he was very happy . Naturally , getting me up and eating breakfast is very tiring , so he had to take his morning nap . This is how he usually sleeps . I guess I woke him up , but he is still very relaxed . Now if only he 'd let me relax too . I don 't know how he can bend like that . They can be difficult , but they are a lot of fun . I was going through my pictures the other day and found these shots of Crash . She was doing a good job of trying to ignore me . I don 't think she was too pleased with my disturbing her with the camera . Finally she turned around and I got a good look at her face . After tonight , I 'm sure Burn will want equal time , so I 'll have to find some good pictures of him for tomorrow . Today I learned that a friend of mine from grammar school has written a book . It 's basically autobiographical about her family 's adoption of two hard to place children aptly entitled Hard to Place . I knew that she had adopted two children , but I had assumed they were babies when she chose them . She and her husband had three biological children when they made the decision to add to their family . She 's a lovely woman and I 'm not surprised that she opened her home to two more children . I immediately ordered a copy and now I can 't wait until it is delivered . All my other reading will be abandoned and I will devour this book . I 'll let you all know how much I enjoyed it . Have you ever volunteered to do something and then thought , " What have I done " . I 'm a member of the staff of our community newspaper , I cover the Singles ' Club and Travel Group activities and the occasional article on a day trip . Last month , they mentioned that they needed a food editor . I volunteered to do one column as editor and went home and checked out several recipes for weight control . Then I added my recipe for Irish Soda Bread . I enjoyed the research so much that I volunteered to become permanent Food Editor . Today I learned that I am the new Food Editor . I 'm sure I 'll enjoy it . In my mind and fantasy I 'm going to be great , I 'm not sure about the reality . I 'm the person who took cooking lessons and finally learned some knife skills when I was in my late fifties . Before that I was a wow with a can opener . Since then I 've learned to use my imagination when cooking , but when baking follow a recipe religiously . I 've developed a lot of confidence . Let 's hope it translates into an interesting and successful column . Do you know what tomorrow is ? With all the hoopla over the coronation / inauguration the most important person has been ignored . He is the one whose actions made the day possible . Without him no one would have even heard of Barak Obama . I guess a non - violent crusade that made it possible for a large percentage of the population to enjoy the same rights as others is easily forgotten . I have not noticed any mention of him this weekend . There have been all sorts of " fluff pieces " on the inauguration , the type of dog , the parties , the fashions , the train ride copying Lincoln 's arrival in Washington , but no mention of Dr . Martin Luther King , Jr . I hope that in his inaugural address Mr . Obama expresses his gratitude for the work of Dr . King because without him there would be no President Obama . Tonight we had so much fun at canasta . It was chock full of senior moments . One of the women in our group who happens to be the youngest was having a bad night . Any time there was a lull in the game , she thought it was her turn . Then several times she gave away one of her cards , which my partner and I could use . She kept insisting that she could take more cards than necessary to replace her red 3 's . Then she left the table to call her daughter . She didn 't realize that our clubhouse phone had a direct line , so she dialed " 9 " to dial out , then " 1 " for the area code . Shortly after that phone call , we saw someone at the window who was waving and wanted to get into the clubhouse . We were relucatant to open the door , since we were the only ones there , but she went to the door . Then the remaining three of us saw a police car outside the window . We all went to the door . It was a policewoman who was sent as a result of a 911 call . We all said no one called 911 , then I realized that my friend had accidently called 91 . The policewoman accepted that it was an accidental call and left . Later we realized that none of us had thought to check if there was anyone in the clubhouse who might have needed help . The rest of the evening was uneventful , but still filled with more senior moments . . . whose turn is it , who dealt last , etc . We all laughed so hard tonight . Is this a sign of things to come ? My house has almost recovered from Christmas . I just have one table and tablecloth to put away , then , I think everything will be put back in place . I decided to relax and watch a little TV . I went to Turner Classic Movies and saw , Journey for Margaret . It was almost over , but since I 've always liked Margaret O ' Brien I watched it . It must have been a real tearjerker because during the last half hour I cried , the tears just rolling down my cheeks . It 's a good thing it had a happy ending , otherwise there would have been a flood . Then I learned that today is Margaret O ' Brien 's birthday and they are showing several of her movies . When I was growing up she was one of my favorite stars . There was one movie that sticks out in my mind . It was called Swan Lake I think . I don 't quite remember the plot , but I do remember it had a lot to do with ballet . I remember walking home from the movies , walking on tiptoes and raising my curved arms over my head copying the dancers . I always wanted to be a ballet dancer even though I never had a lesson . Anyway , The Secret Garden was on too , and I planned on watching that along with Little Women , then all plans changed with the plane crash , so nothing got done today . I needed a day off anyway . Between my walking at the gym and all the Christmas recovery , I 've had a busy week . There I was happily watching TV when I went to check my e - mail . Then I saw that a U . S . Airways plane had crashed in the Hudson River . I immediately checked the news . Apparently , the plane had hit a flock of birds , either geese or gulls and the pilot was trying to return to LaGuardia Airport in NYC . He couldn 't , so chose to go down in the Hudson . He did a wonderful job . He managed to avoid the building on the West Side of Manhattan , the George Washington Bridge and the West Side Highway . It appears that everyone was evacuated safely , although they are suffering from exposure . The temperature in the Hudson today is between 35 and 40 degrees . A boat from the Circle Line Tours and a Fire Department Boat are acting like barges to prevent the plane from being pulled by the current further south down the river . A plane crash is always a tragedy , but my thoughts and the thoughts of many witnesses went back to 9 / 11 . Some of the witnesses mentioned seeing the plane flying very low and were afraid it would go into one of the many buildings . Low flying planes will always make us think of that day . Congratulations to the pilot who steered the plane away from the city , into the river . Fortunately for all on board there was no fire or break - up of the plane . And congratulations also to the members of the NYPD , FDNY , and NY Waterways Ferries for their fast response and rescue . I recently read an article , I don 't know where , that stated that people who are organized and make plans for the future live longer . So I sarted making my list of things I want to do . I want to travel more , specifically to Alaska to see wildlife and the Northern Lights . I want to improve my writing and read more . I 'd like to take another drive across the country and see more of our states . After reading some of the blogs from around the country , I realize there are so many places to visit . Those are my plans . Now for my organization . Today at Scrabble , one of my friends was surprised that I try to eat at the same time each day . She said she eats whenever she 's hungry . I need more structure in my life , I even prepare a " To Do " list every week . I always feel so good when I 'm able to cross something off . It seems like a natural thing to do . I 've always needed structure . When I was younger , I couldn 't just take a walk , I needed a destination . Years later , I was always happy when the boys went back to school , not because I wanted to get rid of them , I needed a structured , well - planned day . Up in the morning , get dressed , eat breakfast , clean , etc . , etc . , etc . Even my closet is organized , my blouses and sweaters are all facing the same way and sorted by color . Pants are separated by everyday and dress . Just the other day I was saying that I just wanted to take one day and spend it in bed . My friends said I should , but I don 't think I could handle it . There are even days when , in the interest of being kind to my hair and skin , I don 't want to style my hair or put make - up on . That usually lasts about 1 / 2 hour . Am I organized , obsessive or just plain boring ? About 10 years ago I decided to make one of my dreams come true . I had always wanted to live in the country so I looked and looked for the perfect home in Putnam County , NY . That was about as far north as I could go and still work in the City . After about a year I found my dream home , or so I thought . After two weeks a hurricane hit causing a leak in my roof and a neighbor 's tree to fall into my yard and on top of my car . That was just the start of my problems . I had problems with the heater , one time the indoor temperature hit 80 + degrees , another time I had no hot water . Then there was the problem with the mice . The cat I had at the time was old and had never really been a mouser . Her dry food was disappearing and at first I was delighted that she was eating . Then I realized that she was not gaining weight . A few days later , I was moving some books in my bookcase and found a stash of dry cat food . I know she didn 't put it there , she could hardly climb the stairs , much less jump into the bookcase . I got an exterminator and also set some traps . The final count was : Cat - 2 mice , me and the traps - 3 mice . I think one of the events that made me re - think country living was the lightening strike that blew out my TV and water pump . It wasn 't all bad . Almost every day between three and five deer would wander into my yard and since I 'm not a gardener I didn 't mind that they ate my grass and leaves . The commute into the city , about two hours , did allow me to keep up with my reading . I think I averaged about a book a week . And the stars . Because there were no street lights , I could actually see the stars . I also , for the first time in my life , noticed the phases of the moon and saw one of the dippers . After I retired , I decided to move to a 55 + community . It has its good points and bad points . The clubhouse affords the opportunity to meet lots of people and I 've made some friends . There are two things I find troubling about this community . One is that every conversation centers around doctor appointments and medicines , and foPosted by Last week I decided it was time to get back into shape . I decided I would start exercising , so on Monday I actually walked to the clubhouse and went to the gym . I was armed with my new I - Pod and lots of good music to keep me interested and moving . I was met at the door by one of my friends . I should have know she 'd be there , she exercises for at least an hour a day , sometimes more . We talked , or I should say , she talked . I never got a chance to listen to my music . On Wednesday , I tried another time and luckily , she wasn 't there . But on Friday I thought I 'd go before canasta . Since it was around dinnertime , I thought I 'd be alone . No such luck . She talked and talked . The only good thing about it was I did walk for an hour . It 's hard to ignore her , she is an interesting person , even if we do disagree politically . I hope I have better luck next week and am able to exercise alone . I 've given up on going early in the morning because , once I leave the house , I can 't do any work when I get back . My theory has always been , if it doesn 't get done before I go out , it won 't get done . We have a meeting in the clubhouse around 7 : 00 pm tomorrow . Maybe I 'll go over there around 6 : 00 pm . Maybe she 'll be home getting ready for the meeting . I did manage to walk a total of 7 miles for the week . Not bad for only three days ' walking . When I got up this morning , it was cold out and we had a dusting of snow ( not the terrible storm that had been predicted ) . What would be better on a cold winter 's night than a pot of soup . I had the ingredients for a beef vegetable soup on hand and a package of refrigerated French bread dough . Early today I started the soup and it has been simmering on the stove all day . A little while ago I added the barley and it should be ready to eat in about 1 / 2 hour . Then , a nice hot bowl of soup , a slice of two of bread and a glass of shiraz . It doesn 't get much better than that . Maybe , I 'll even light a fire . While I was putting the barley in the soup I started thinking about my brother 's adventure with barley . He was so pleased with himself that he had saved my mother 's recipe for oxtail soup that he made a huge pot with plans to give me half . When he came to the part about the barley , he disagreed with the recipe 's 2 tablespoons of barley . That didn 't seem like enough for so much soup , so he threw in the entire box . It tasted good , but it was more like barley stew , there was very little soup left . He didn 't realize that the barley , like rice , expands and soaks up the liquid . I don 't think he ever made the soup again . Do cats get bored ? If they do , Burnie had a huge case of boredom today . First , he tried to play with Crash , but she wanted no part of him . He chased her all around the house finally cornering her where she hissed and growled at him . It never bothered him . Next , he decided to see what was behind the TV . My TV is set into a cabinet so he squeezed behind it where I couldn 't reach him . I was afraid he might knock the TV out of the cabinet . I had to move the TV against the back of the cabinet so he would move on his own since I couldn 't reach him . Finally he got out . Then he saw a ribbon hanging from the kitchen island and he played with it until he pulled it and my keys down . His regular toys held no interest for him . I finally sprayed his scratching post with catnip to get his interest . After he had his fill of catnip , he went to sleep . Since Sunday I 've been feeling very tired and couldn 't figure out why . I 've been going to bed at my regular time , but not waking up until 8 or 9 am , where I usually wake up between 6 and 7 am . I tried to think of reasons . Maybe it was post - Christmas / New Years letdown . Maybe it was the two miles I walked on the treadmill yesterday , but that wouldn 't have affected how I felt on Sunday . Maybe it was because I cut down on my meal portions to lose some weight , so of course , I ate more , but it didn 't help . I was so tired I even cancelled plans to go out to dinner tonight . Even my scrabble game this morning was affected . I couldn 't think of words of more than three or four letters . My final score was half the winning score . Then it hit me . Since Sunday I 've been drinking decaf coffee . Silly me , I thought it would be a good idea to cut back on my caffeine intake since I usually drink six or seven cups a day , sometimes more . No matter how much coffee I drink , it doesn 't keep me awake , but obviously the lack of it makes me really , really tired . Now for self medication , I have to go make a pot of real coffee . While I was out walking today I noticed that most of my neighbors had taken all their Christmas decorations down . After it got dark , it seems that I am one of only three people who still have their Christmas lights lit . Guess it 's time to take everything down and put it away . I enjoy decorating for Christmas , and pull out all the stops . Every room has some sort of decoration . It makes me feel so festive . There are so many decorations that I 've accumulated over the years that it takes a week to put them up and another week to take them down . So much work , but it 's worth it . Then , there 's the issue of the tree . It 's an artificial one and so far I haven 't had to worry about the cats climbing it . I learned my lesson about real trees about 10 years ago . The boys went back to their homes after Christmas and there stood the slowly dying tree in the corner of the living room . The needles fell off as I was dismantling it . I tried taking it out of the stand without spilling the water , but kept hitting the ceiling . Then I realized it was too heavy for me . Fortunately , we had a lot of snow that week and some young men were looking for sidewalks to shovel . I told them I liked shovelling , but I did have a tree they could put by the curb , which they did , leaving a trail of needles behind them . Cleaning was such fun . Now , I just have to squeeze the tree into its box , put the box on a blanket and pull it into the garage until next year . But , there are no needles to be cleaned up . But then , when everything goes away , the house will look so bare . Maybe I 'll get more houseplants . I 've come to the conclusion that I watch entirely too much TV . I 've gotten into the habit of turning the TV on first thing in the morning and shutting it off just before bed , when I turn the TV in the bedroom on so I can go to sleep . This has got to stop . I waste too much time and it seems I 'm always behind in my projects . I 've decided that starting today I will cut back . Today the TV didn 't go on until 5 : 00 pm and I did manage to accomplish a few things today . My son gave me an ipod for Christmas , so I 've been ripping my cd 's onto my computer then onto my ipod . While I was doing that , I set about cleaning my office . It has gotten to be a real disaster and catch - all place . Today , I finally caught up with my filing and put all the extra folders away with my supplies . Then I went through a bunch of magazines that I 've been saving for whatever reason I don 't know . Some of them were five years old . I shredded a bunch of papers and now one corner of my office is reasonably clean . I figure that if I work there for 1 / 2 hour a day , I can make some real progress , both with the clutter and with the cd 's . I like just about every kind of music , so I must have over a hundred cd 's . The next step will be to organize and back - up the pictures on my computer . I also have a bunch of pictures BDA ( Before Digital Age ) that have to be scanned and backed - up . With all these projects , I don 't think I 'll have any time for TV , especially if I want to start my walking program again and keep up with the various groups I 've joined in the community . I 'm going to join a creative writing group and I 'm already a member of the photography and travel groups and our singles club . I 'm so glad I 'm retired , I would not have had so much free time if I were still working , even though I did enjoy working . I really like my house . My only problem is the storage , or lack thereof . There are other models in my community that are loaded with closets . Mine , however , isn 't . So , shortly after I moved in I ordered three shelving units and this cabinet . I had no trouble assembling the shelving , but I couldn 't find any instructions for the cabinet . I opened the box , but there were no instructions . This box sat in my garage for almost three years until this year when I asked my son to see if he could assemble it . He brought all the various pieces into the house , then the box . He turned the box around and saw this . There were the instructions . Was my face red ! If I had only just turned the box around I would have seen them and been able to put it together . A definite attack of stupid . Now I have a wonderful cabinet in my laundry room where I can stock up on sale items , and keep all those rarely used extras . It fits perfectly in one corner of the room and I still have room for my drying rack . It worked out perfectly and my son didn 't even make fun of me , although he had every opportunity . Last night , New Years Eve , our community had a party . It was planned as a very elegant affair and quickly sold out . I really wouldn 't have wanted to go , I prefer to stay home on New Years Eve . I usually watch the festivities in Times Square on the TV and watch the ball come down . At the stroke of midnight , I have a glass of champagne and some herring . I know why the champagne - I like it , but I don 't know why I eat herring . It 's something my parents always had on New Years and I still have it . Last night , Crash and Burn were actually awake , so I had my champagne and herring and gave them each a handful of Temptations . We all enjoyed our treats . Around 12 : 15 I looked out the window and saw some people leaving the clubhouse . I guess that party wasn 't so great , and again I enjoyed myself more by staying home . After living the greater part of my life in Queens in NYC , I decided to try country life . I bought the " money pit " , then decided to retire to a 55 + community in New Jersey . I 'm learning so many things about myself and trying so many new things . I always said I was a late bloomer . But I will always be a New Yorker and proud of it . My interests include reading , travel , photography , writing , cooking , crafts . My tastes in music are as varied as Beethoven , Mantovani , country , classical , ' 50 's and rock . I 'm interested in enough books to fill Alexandria . I 'd love to hear from my old friends from St . Sylvester 's Elementary School . - - Cathy Wagner Monroe My maternal Grandparents had an auction sale a long time ago . Grandpa was going to be 90 years old that July and was done farming . I kept an auction b . . . I am late today ! Very late ! You see my morning raced by in the wind ( DO NOT PROCEED THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE HIDEOUS ! ! ! ) Our oldest daughter called saying sh . . . Well , I did it . I finally decided to audition for a reality cooking show in Dallas , Texas in early 2016 . It was for a show that is on mainstream network T . . . * Anyone a fan of the " Flip or Flop " or " Fixer Upper " shows on HGTV ? ( I swear , if I hear " Oh Wow " one more time I 'm gonna slap someone . ) They make all the r . . . ( Probably an all too honest post . I apologize , kind of , in advance . ) 90 years . That 's a lot of years . Dad had his 90th birthday this week . We had a party , . . . Happy Easter Everyone ! ! I 've been taking a little break from blogging , but I should be back to posting again soon . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this p . . . Well children , pack up your bags and let 's get going . It 's time to leave this lovely home that I have been in since June 2006 . We are going to a nice new h . . . MortyDo I really have to tell you how many days the feather duster has been sitting in this chair ? ? FINE . . . five days , happy now ? ? FIVE DAYS . . . Yes , it 's been almost a year since I 've last posted here . I 've been distracted for many reasons , and time seems to be moving by at warp speed . I have a lot . . . Our poor cat . Really , his life teeters on the thin line between well loved and SPCA report . Avery carries him , feeds him ( forcefully ) , dresses him , and ( at . . . |
How I wish I had had a camera this morning . First some background . Every morning , I feed the cats then read my e - mail and blogs . Then it 's time to shower . Usually Crash and Burn are hovering around me , but today was different . Only Crash was around and I wondered where Burnie went . He wasn 't napping in any of his usual spots . Instead of making my bed , I decided to change my sheets today , so I emptied the pillow cases and just tore my quilt from my bed . There , all comfy under the quilt was Burnie . He woke up , shook his head in disbelief and wonder . His look said , " What happened " and then , " How dare you disturb my sleep " . After I took the sheets off , I picked him up , put him back on the bed and covered him with the quilt and he happily went back to sleep . I shouldn 't have been too surprised that he was there . I often go into one of the bedrooms and see a lump on the bed . Burnie loves to climb up under the covers and nap for hours and hours . But I thought he only liked neatly made beds . Have you heard about the octoplets ? When I first heard , I was excited for the parents . Now , not so much . I truly believe that anyone who wants children has a right to have those children . But not in this case . You can read the full article here http : / / www . msnbc . msn . com / id / 28927339 / ( I still can 't link ) . This woman , a single mother living with her parents already has six children . I would never suggest that she should have aborted any of the babies , they should never have been conceived in the first place . Who is supporting her first six children , who will support these eight ? I know this is a controversial stand , but in my opinion , the embryos or fertility drugs should not be available to single women , much less to single mothers of six . Her mother said she is fairly young , possibly she was influenced by some TV shows about large families and wasn 't aware that these families have the maturity and means to raise such a large family . Taxpayers of California get ready to support a single mother of 14 or more in the coming years . Yesterday I received a weather warning stating that my area was about receive a severe storm . We could expect snow , followed by rain and sleet and falling temperatures . Since I had no major plans for the day I wasn 't too concerned . This morning when I woke up , I heard the snowplow and realized the weatherman was right . Then I looked out the window . There was a lot of snow on the lawn and about an inch on the walkway . Then it started raining . Then the temperature started rising to 47 degrees . It got very foggy and it 's been raining off and on all day . The temperature is now 39 degrees and may drop to 27 . So much for the severe storm . The weatherman was wrong again and I was so looking forward to some snow . I 've been hearing a lot about the new stimulus bill before congress . If I understand the reports I have heard , and correct me if I 'm wrong , some money will be released this year , a little more in 2010 , more in 2011 and the bulk in 2012 . Has no one made the connection that most of the money will be released in an election year ? Coincidence , I think not . I don 't see how releasing the money in 2012 will help the economy now . Last night we had a performance at our clubhouse by Johnny T . He is billed as the man of many voices . He sings in the style of Dean Martin , Frank Sinatra , Tony Bennett , etc . At first we weren 't sure whether he was really singing or lip - syncing . I 'm still not sure . In any event , he was very talented . He also did salutes to The Temptations , Bobby Rydell , Frankie Valli , Dion and the Belmonts , Elvis , Paul Anka and one of my favorites Bobby Darin . It was a wonderful trip down memory lane , including my sitting on the sidelines while the couples danced . The only difference was that there were a few of us singles sitting there this time . I wish we had been warned about the dancing . It didn 't bother me too much , I 'm used to sitting out a dance , but some of my friends were used to dancing with their husbands and it brought back too many memories for them . I decided to bring a bottle of wine . So it seemed did everyone else . For a table of 10 , we had about five bottles of wine , some soda . And the snacks . We had nuts , chips , dip , crackers and a new snack that I had never had - potato and corn baked . It looked a lot like cheese doodles and was delicious . There was a good variety of wine and snacks . We certainly had enough to eat . It was a great night and I particularly enjoyed listening to my old music . As promised , I 'm giving Burn almost equal time . But first I have to tell you something about him . Almost every morning he wakes me up around 6 : 00 , I guess he 's hungry . I wouldn 't mind if he just meowed , but no , he has to tap me . The problem is that he doesn 't control his claws very well and he winds up poking me in the face with his claws . Sometimes he even tries to comb my hair . This morning was the worst . There I was peacefully enjoying an early Saturday morning when he jumped onto the bed and then onto me , then onto my head . I tried ignoring him , but it was very difficult , especially with what felt like a 50 lb . cat ( I know he doesn 't weigh that much , but it felt like it ) on my head . Of course , I did get up and feed him and he was very happy . Naturally , getting me up and eating breakfast is very tiring , so he had to take his morning nap . This is how he usually sleeps . I guess I woke him up , but he is still very relaxed . Now if only he 'd let me relax too . I don 't know how he can bend like that . They can be difficult , but they are a lot of fun . I was going through my pictures the other day and found these shots of Crash . She was doing a good job of trying to ignore me . I don 't think she was too pleased with my disturbing her with the camera . Finally she turned around and I got a good look at her face . After tonight , I 'm sure Burn will want equal time , so I 'll have to find some good pictures of him for tomorrow . Today I learned that a friend of mine from grammar school has written a book . It 's basically autobiographical about her family 's adoption of two hard to place children aptly entitled Hard to Place . I knew that she had adopted two children , but I had assumed they were babies when she chose them . She and her husband had three biological children when they made the decision to add to their family . She 's a lovely woman and I 'm not surprised that she opened her home to two more children . I immediately ordered a copy and now I can 't wait until it is delivered . All my other reading will be abandoned and I will devour this book . I 'll let you all know how much I enjoyed it . Have you ever volunteered to do something and then thought , " What have I done " . I 'm a member of the staff of our community newspaper , I cover the Singles ' Club and Travel Group activities and the occasional article on a day trip . Last month , they mentioned that they needed a food editor . I volunteered to do one column as editor and went home and checked out several recipes for weight control . Then I added my recipe for Irish Soda Bread . I enjoyed the research so much that I volunteered to become permanent Food Editor . Today I learned that I am the new Food Editor . I 'm sure I 'll enjoy it . In my mind and fantasy I 'm going to be great , I 'm not sure about the reality . I 'm the person who took cooking lessons and finally learned some knife skills when I was in my late fifties . Before that I was a wow with a can opener . Since then I 've learned to use my imagination when cooking , but when baking follow a recipe religiously . I 've developed a lot of confidence . Let 's hope it translates into an interesting and successful column . Do you know what tomorrow is ? With all the hoopla over the coronation / inauguration the most important person has been ignored . He is the one whose actions made the day possible . Without him no one would have even heard of Barak Obama . I guess a non - violent crusade that made it possible for a large percentage of the population to enjoy the same rights as others is easily forgotten . I have not noticed any mention of him this weekend . There have been all sorts of " fluff pieces " on the inauguration , the type of dog , the parties , the fashions , the train ride copying Lincoln 's arrival in Washington , but no mention of Dr . Martin Luther King , Jr . I hope that in his inaugural address Mr . Obama expresses his gratitude for the work of Dr . King because without him there would be no President Obama . Tonight we had so much fun at canasta . It was chock full of senior moments . One of the women in our group who happens to be the youngest was having a bad night . Any time there was a lull in the game , she thought it was her turn . Then several times she gave away one of her cards , which my partner and I could use . She kept insisting that she could take more cards than necessary to replace her red 3 's . Then she left the table to call her daughter . She didn 't realize that our clubhouse phone had a direct line , so she dialed " 9 " to dial out , then " 1 " for the area code . Shortly after that phone call , we saw someone at the window who was waving and wanted to get into the clubhouse . We were relucatant to open the door , since we were the only ones there , but she went to the door . Then the remaining three of us saw a police car outside the window . We all went to the door . It was a policewoman who was sent as a result of a 911 call . We all said no one called 911 , then I realized that my friend had accidently called 91 . The policewoman accepted that it was an accidental call and left . Later we realized that none of us had thought to check if there was anyone in the clubhouse who might have needed help . The rest of the evening was uneventful , but still filled with more senior moments . . . whose turn is it , who dealt last , etc . We all laughed so hard tonight . Is this a sign of things to come ? My house has almost recovered from Christmas . I just have one table and tablecloth to put away , then , I think everything will be put back in place . I decided to relax and watch a little TV . I went to Turner Classic Movies and saw , Journey for Margaret . It was almost over , but since I 've always liked Margaret O ' Brien I watched it . It must have been a real tearjerker because during the last half hour I cried , the tears just rolling down my cheeks . It 's a good thing it had a happy ending , otherwise there would have been a flood . Then I learned that today is Margaret O ' Brien 's birthday and they are showing several of her movies . When I was growing up she was one of my favorite stars . There was one movie that sticks out in my mind . It was called Swan Lake I think . I don 't quite remember the plot , but I do remember it had a lot to do with ballet . I remember walking home from the movies , walking on tiptoes and raising my curved arms over my head copying the dancers . I always wanted to be a ballet dancer even though I never had a lesson . Anyway , The Secret Garden was on too , and I planned on watching that along with Little Women , then all plans changed with the plane crash , so nothing got done today . I needed a day off anyway . Between my walking at the gym and all the Christmas recovery , I 've had a busy week . There I was happily watching TV when I went to check my e - mail . Then I saw that a U . S . Airways plane had crashed in the Hudson River . I immediately checked the news . Apparently , the plane had hit a flock of birds , either geese or gulls and the pilot was trying to return to LaGuardia Airport in NYC . He couldn 't , so chose to go down in the Hudson . He did a wonderful job . He managed to avoid the building on the West Side of Manhattan , the George Washington Bridge and the West Side Highway . It appears that everyone was evacuated safely , although they are suffering from exposure . The temperature in the Hudson today is between 35 and 40 degrees . A boat from the Circle Line Tours and a Fire Department Boat are acting like barges to prevent the plane from being pulled by the current further south down the river . A plane crash is always a tragedy , but my thoughts and the thoughts of many witnesses went back to 9 / 11 . Some of the witnesses mentioned seeing the plane flying very low and were afraid it would go into one of the many buildings . Low flying planes will always make us think of that day . Congratulations to the pilot who steered the plane away from the city , into the river . Fortunately for all on board there was no fire or break - up of the plane . And congratulations also to the members of the NYPD , FDNY , and NY Waterways Ferries for their fast response and rescue . I recently read an article , I don 't know where , that stated that people who are organized and make plans for the future live longer . So I sarted making my list of things I want to do . I want to travel more , specifically to Alaska to see wildlife and the Northern Lights . I want to improve my writing and read more . I 'd like to take another drive across the country and see more of our states . After reading some of the blogs from around the country , I realize there are so many places to visit . Those are my plans . Now for my organization . Today at Scrabble , one of my friends was surprised that I try to eat at the same time each day . She said she eats whenever she 's hungry . I need more structure in my life , I even prepare a " To Do " list every week . I always feel so good when I 'm able to cross something off . It seems like a natural thing to do . I 've always needed structure . When I was younger , I couldn 't just take a walk , I needed a destination . Years later , I was always happy when the boys went back to school , not because I wanted to get rid of them , I needed a structured , well - planned day . Up in the morning , get dressed , eat breakfast , clean , etc . , etc . , etc . Even my closet is organized , my blouses and sweaters are all facing the same way and sorted by color . Pants are separated by everyday and dress . Just the other day I was saying that I just wanted to take one day and spend it in bed . My friends said I should , but I don 't think I could handle it . There are even days when , in the interest of being kind to my hair and skin , I don 't want to style my hair or put make - up on . That usually lasts about 1 / 2 hour . Am I organized , obsessive or just plain boring ? About 10 years ago I decided to make one of my dreams come true . I had always wanted to live in the country so I looked and looked for the perfect home in Putnam County , NY . That was about as far north as I could go and still work in the City . After about a year I found my dream home , or so I thought . After two weeks a hurricane hit causing a leak in my roof and a neighbor 's tree to fall into my yard and on top of my car . That was just the start of my problems . I had problems with the heater , one time the indoor temperature hit 80 + degrees , another time I had no hot water . Then there was the problem with the mice . The cat I had at the time was old and had never really been a mouser . Her dry food was disappearing and at first I was delighted that she was eating . Then I realized that she was not gaining weight . A few days later , I was moving some books in my bookcase and found a stash of dry cat food . I know she didn 't put it there , she could hardly climb the stairs , much less jump into the bookcase . I got an exterminator and also set some traps . The final count was : Cat - 2 mice , me and the traps - 3 mice . I think one of the events that made me re - think country living was the lightening strike that blew out my TV and water pump . It wasn 't all bad . Almost every day between three and five deer would wander into my yard and since I 'm not a gardener I didn 't mind that they ate my grass and leaves . The commute into the city , about two hours , did allow me to keep up with my reading . I think I averaged about a book a week . And the stars . Because there were no street lights , I could actually see the stars . I also , for the first time in my life , noticed the phases of the moon and saw one of the dippers . After I retired , I decided to move to a 55 + community . It has its good points and bad points . The clubhouse affords the opportunity to meet lots of people and I 've made some friends . There are two things I find troubling about this community . One is that every conversation centers around doctor appointments and medicines , and foPosted by Last week I decided it was time to get back into shape . I decided I would start exercising , so on Monday I actually walked to the clubhouse and went to the gym . I was armed with my new I - Pod and lots of good music to keep me interested and moving . I was met at the door by one of my friends . I should have know she 'd be there , she exercises for at least an hour a day , sometimes more . We talked , or I should say , she talked . I never got a chance to listen to my music . On Wednesday , I tried another time and luckily , she wasn 't there . But on Friday I thought I 'd go before canasta . Since it was around dinnertime , I thought I 'd be alone . No such luck . She talked and talked . The only good thing about it was I did walk for an hour . It 's hard to ignore her , she is an interesting person , even if we do disagree politically . I hope I have better luck next week and am able to exercise alone . I 've given up on going early in the morning because , once I leave the house , I can 't do any work when I get back . My theory has always been , if it doesn 't get done before I go out , it won 't get done . We have a meeting in the clubhouse around 7 : 00 pm tomorrow . Maybe I 'll go over there around 6 : 00 pm . Maybe she 'll be home getting ready for the meeting . I did manage to walk a total of 7 miles for the week . Not bad for only three days ' walking . When I got up this morning , it was cold out and we had a dusting of snow ( not the terrible storm that had been predicted ) . What would be better on a cold winter 's night than a pot of soup . I had the ingredients for a beef vegetable soup on hand and a package of refrigerated French bread dough . Early today I started the soup and it has been simmering on the stove all day . A little while ago I added the barley and it should be ready to eat in about 1 / 2 hour . Then , a nice hot bowl of soup , a slice of two of bread and a glass of shiraz . It doesn 't get much better than that . Maybe , I 'll even light a fire . While I was putting the barley in the soup I started thinking about my brother 's adventure with barley . He was so pleased with himself that he had saved my mother 's recipe for oxtail soup that he made a huge pot with plans to give me half . When he came to the part about the barley , he disagreed with the recipe 's 2 tablespoons of barley . That didn 't seem like enough for so much soup , so he threw in the entire box . It tasted good , but it was more like barley stew , there was very little soup left . He didn 't realize that the barley , like rice , expands and soaks up the liquid . I don 't think he ever made the soup again . Do cats get bored ? If they do , Burnie had a huge case of boredom today . First , he tried to play with Crash , but she wanted no part of him . He chased her all around the house finally cornering her where she hissed and growled at him . It never bothered him . Next , he decided to see what was behind the TV . My TV is set into a cabinet so he squeezed behind it where I couldn 't reach him . I was afraid he might knock the TV out of the cabinet . I had to move the TV against the back of the cabinet so he would move on his own since I couldn 't reach him . Finally he got out . Then he saw a ribbon hanging from the kitchen island and he played with it until he pulled it and my keys down . His regular toys held no interest for him . I finally sprayed his scratching post with catnip to get his interest . After he had his fill of catnip , he went to sleep . Since Sunday I 've been feeling very tired and couldn 't figure out why . I 've been going to bed at my regular time , but not waking up until 8 or 9 am , where I usually wake up between 6 and 7 am . I tried to think of reasons . Maybe it was post - Christmas / New Years letdown . Maybe it was the two miles I walked on the treadmill yesterday , but that wouldn 't have affected how I felt on Sunday . Maybe it was because I cut down on my meal portions to lose some weight , so of course , I ate more , but it didn 't help . I was so tired I even cancelled plans to go out to dinner tonight . Even my scrabble game this morning was affected . I couldn 't think of words of more than three or four letters . My final score was half the winning score . Then it hit me . Since Sunday I 've been drinking decaf coffee . Silly me , I thought it would be a good idea to cut back on my caffeine intake since I usually drink six or seven cups a day , sometimes more . No matter how much coffee I drink , it doesn 't keep me awake , but obviously the lack of it makes me really , really tired . Now for self medication , I have to go make a pot of real coffee . While I was out walking today I noticed that most of my neighbors had taken all their Christmas decorations down . After it got dark , it seems that I am one of only three people who still have their Christmas lights lit . Guess it 's time to take everything down and put it away . I enjoy decorating for Christmas , and pull out all the stops . Every room has some sort of decoration . It makes me feel so festive . There are so many decorations that I 've accumulated over the years that it takes a week to put them up and another week to take them down . So much work , but it 's worth it . Then , there 's the issue of the tree . It 's an artificial one and so far I haven 't had to worry about the cats climbing it . I learned my lesson about real trees about 10 years ago . The boys went back to their homes after Christmas and there stood the slowly dying tree in the corner of the living room . The needles fell off as I was dismantling it . I tried taking it out of the stand without spilling the water , but kept hitting the ceiling . Then I realized it was too heavy for me . Fortunately , we had a lot of snow that week and some young men were looking for sidewalks to shovel . I told them I liked shovelling , but I did have a tree they could put by the curb , which they did , leaving a trail of needles behind them . Cleaning was such fun . Now , I just have to squeeze the tree into its box , put the box on a blanket and pull it into the garage until next year . But , there are no needles to be cleaned up . But then , when everything goes away , the house will look so bare . Maybe I 'll get more houseplants . I 've come to the conclusion that I watch entirely too much TV . I 've gotten into the habit of turning the TV on first thing in the morning and shutting it off just before bed , when I turn the TV in the bedroom on so I can go to sleep . This has got to stop . I waste too much time and it seems I 'm always behind in my projects . I 've decided that starting today I will cut back . Today the TV didn 't go on until 5 : 00 pm and I did manage to accomplish a few things today . My son gave me an ipod for Christmas , so I 've been ripping my cd 's onto my computer then onto my ipod . While I was doing that , I set about cleaning my office . It has gotten to be a real disaster and catch - all place . Today , I finally caught up with my filing and put all the extra folders away with my supplies . Then I went through a bunch of magazines that I 've been saving for whatever reason I don 't know . Some of them were five years old . I shredded a bunch of papers and now one corner of my office is reasonably clean . I figure that if I work there for 1 / 2 hour a day , I can make some real progress , both with the clutter and with the cd 's . I like just about every kind of music , so I must have over a hundred cd 's . The next step will be to organize and back - up the pictures on my computer . I also have a bunch of pictures BDA ( Before Digital Age ) that have to be scanned and backed - up . With all these projects , I don 't think I 'll have any time for TV , especially if I want to start my walking program again and keep up with the various groups I 've joined in the community . I 'm going to join a creative writing group and I 'm already a member of the photography and travel groups and our singles club . I 'm so glad I 'm retired , I would not have had so much free time if I were still working , even though I did enjoy working . I really like my house . My only problem is the storage , or lack thereof . There are other models in my community that are loaded with closets . Mine , however , isn 't . So , shortly after I moved in I ordered three shelving units and this cabinet . I had no trouble assembling the shelving , but I couldn 't find any instructions for the cabinet . I opened the box , but there were no instructions . This box sat in my garage for almost three years until this year when I asked my son to see if he could assemble it . He brought all the various pieces into the house , then the box . He turned the box around and saw this . There were the instructions . Was my face red ! If I had only just turned the box around I would have seen them and been able to put it together . A definite attack of stupid . Now I have a wonderful cabinet in my laundry room where I can stock up on sale items , and keep all those rarely used extras . It fits perfectly in one corner of the room and I still have room for my drying rack . It worked out perfectly and my son didn 't even make fun of me , although he had every opportunity . Last night , New Years Eve , our community had a party . It was planned as a very elegant affair and quickly sold out . I really wouldn 't have wanted to go , I prefer to stay home on New Years Eve . I usually watch the festivities in Times Square on the TV and watch the ball come down . At the stroke of midnight , I have a glass of champagne and some herring . I know why the champagne - I like it , but I don 't know why I eat herring . It 's something my parents always had on New Years and I still have it . Last night , Crash and Burn were actually awake , so I had my champagne and herring and gave them each a handful of Temptations . We all enjoyed our treats . Around 12 : 15 I looked out the window and saw some people leaving the clubhouse . I guess that party wasn 't so great , and again I enjoyed myself more by staying home . After living the greater part of my life in Queens in NYC , I decided to try country life . I bought the " money pit " , then decided to retire to a 55 + community in New Jersey . I 'm learning so many things about myself and trying so many new things . I always said I was a late bloomer . But I will always be a New Yorker and proud of it . My interests include reading , travel , photography , writing , cooking , crafts . My tastes in music are as varied as Beethoven , Mantovani , country , classical , ' 50 's and rock . I 'm interested in enough books to fill Alexandria . I 'd love to hear from my old friends from St . Sylvester 's Elementary School . - - Cathy Wagner Monroe My maternal Grandparents had an auction sale a long time ago . Grandpa was going to be 90 years old that July and was done farming . I kept an auction b . . . I am late today ! Very late ! You see my morning raced by in the wind ( DO NOT PROCEED THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE HIDEOUS ! ! ! ) Our oldest daughter called saying sh . . . Well , I did it . I finally decided to audition for a reality cooking show in Dallas , Texas in early 2016 . It was for a show that is on mainstream network T . . . * Anyone a fan of the " Flip or Flop " or " Fixer Upper " shows on HGTV ? ( I swear , if I hear " Oh Wow " one more time I 'm gonna slap someone . ) They make all the r . . . ( Probably an all too honest post . I apologize , kind of , in advance . ) 90 years . That 's a lot of years . Dad had his 90th birthday this week . We had a party , . . . Happy Easter Everyone ! ! I 've been taking a little break from blogging , but I should be back to posting again soon . In the meantime , I hope you enjoy this p . . . Well children , pack up your bags and let 's get going . It 's time to leave this lovely home that I have been in since June 2006 . We are going to a nice new h . . . MortyDo I really have to tell you how many days the feather duster has been sitting in this chair ? ? FINE . . . five days , happy now ? ? FIVE DAYS . . . Yes , it 's been almost a year since I 've last posted here . I 've been distracted for many reasons , and time seems to be moving by at warp speed . I have a lot . . . Our poor cat . Really , his life teeters on the thin line between well loved and SPCA report . Avery carries him , feeds him ( forcefully ) , dresses him , and ( at . . . |
All this lockstep , clockwork , digitally rigid machination does not suit us . We are animals , and even that is too precise . We are a chemical accident , a maelstrom of chaotic coincidence of physics that has culminated in a complicated cooperation of particles we have come to describe as biology , life . Somehow our particular makeup has arranged itself ephemerally into a construct that has allowed thought , metaphysics , imagination , dreams to exist in the artificial space we think of us our mind , our soul . But all our absolutes are illusions . Years get longer and shorter with every terrestrial tremor . One day the sun will wink out , but we 'll be long gone by then , and nothing will remember that we once believed men should only love women , days lasted 24 hours ( what the fuck is an hour ? ) , this thin crust of hard material surfing on the molten core of our planet was a firmament . In the meantime , these bodies and this entirely inexplicable new thing that is our human mind worries itself over what might be forever true , as if anything is . I am glad for a lack of perspective that leads me to experience this tiny blip of what the universe considers real duration as a long life . I want to experience as much of this artifice carved out of physical reality with you as I can . Let 's not worry about something as temporary and abstract as tomorrow , yesterday , forever , should , ought , proper . Burn the seconds away with me and let 's enjoy whatever the hell this is . What is a kiss in the scope of everything ? Who cares ? In the scope of this human moment , it is bliss and pleasure , concepts the atoms couldn 't recreate in all the aeons they have to try . This is a story I 've been posting in chapters on Facebook for the past few weeks . I wrote it all on my iPhone while hanging out at a few places , so there are probably typos . In the end , though I made it up as I went along , I like it . I hope you do , too . Hello , friends . The camper shell was not perfectly watertight , but he had parked on a slight uphill , so most of the intruding rain had found its way out through the troughs of the ridged pickup truck bed and he woke up lying in a general dampness rather than a pool of cold water . The old red toolbox was poking into the small of his back , a discomfort he would feel for a couple of days . The rolled jacket had proved a surprisingly effective pillow , and he was relieved to feel as though he had slept more soundly under the constant crinkling if the dirty blue tarp than he had imagined possible . A constant patter on the roof registered through his foggy waking stupor that the rain , though gentler , had not stopped . He opened his eyes to the cold dimness that told him it wasn 't long after dawn , but he closed them again and decided to lie still for a while longer before scrambling out of the junky shelter and back up front to continue his work . Thoughts flooded his mind from the day before , facts that had straightened and connected somehow in the cogitation of sleep into a more coherent plan for where to start the day , much clearer than the exhausted confusion of his late night surrender to the inevitability of sleeping for the first time in a few troubled days . He knew where he had to go next , the cement plant . It was the only connection that tied Carlo to the enigmatic Mr . Boldt . If he were going to get back what belonged to him and leave this fucking town behind for good , some part of him knew he would find the way forward at the cement plant . He had to be careful . He didn 't know what these people were into , and he didn 't want to know . He just wanted what was his and he wanted out . The rain picked up as he lay there building the resolve to make the next move . He listened to his breath and started stretching his aching muscles in preparation for arising . It had to be today . He had to make it happen . And he had to pee , so he threw off the tarp and sat up with a groan . He didn 't know who drove the big , shiny , black Cadillac SUV he watched from where he was hiding in the underbrush near the off - road thicket where he had parked his truck a few hundred yards from the cement plant . The Cadillac had barreled past him down the dirt road leaving the plant , the windows all tinted pitch black so he couldn 't see the driver or whether there were passengers . He knew well , however , the old green sedan parked beside the giant mound of grey , broken rock at the base of the conveyor belt that climbed way up to the top of the elevator silo of the plant . Carlo had inherited the ugly car from his brother several years ago , his brother having inherited it from their father years before that . Having never worked at the cement plant - having avoided it at all costs even though almost everyone in town , including his own father , had worked there - he didn 't know what all the large contraptions and machines inside were called or what they did , but he knew the plant layout well . Everyone who had passed their teen years in the town knew the hole in the fence , the dangerous thrill of climbing the conveyor belt , the best places to hide out in the late night gloom and drink a clandestine six pack or smoke a joint . The concrete floors were damp and made loud squeaking noises with off the rubber soles of his worn hiking boots , so he had left them near the back entrance and was creeping in filthy wet socks as quietly as he could back toward the open door near the back wall , the only one from which yellowish light shone out into the dim murk of the cavernous plant . As he got close to the light , he could hear someone shuffling around in the bright room . He flattened himself against the wall beside the door and gripped the handle he had unscrewed from a wide broom leaning in the corner near the entrance . He tried to breathe quietly , to steel his will to incapacitate as effectively as possible anyone emerging from the room , hoping it was Carlo and not some innocent weekend worker . The light went out , and his heart - - The impact was sickeningly violent as he struck the wooden broom handle directly into the man 's gut , and the pain and shock of the noise the manmade doubling over sent visceral shivers of aversion through his body . It was Carlo , to be sure . In spite of a wave of pity , he raised the handle high overhead and brought it down viscously again on the back of Carlo 's head . The handle splintered in two and the other half clattered loudly away across the concrete plant floor as Carlos fell in a heap , face down , onto the floor . Quickly he knelt down on Carlo 's back , pressing hard with both knees , and pushed the splintered end of the half broom handle firmly to the back of Carlo 's neck . " Don 't fucking move , Carlo ! " he growled through gritted teeth , all the anger flooding back to him as he remembered that night three days ago , waking panicked from his drunken collapse on the bedroom floor at the sound of the glass shattering out of his front door , followed quickly by the loud barking of Black , the German Shepherd his brother had dumped at his place " for a couple of days " six years earlier . Everyone knew he hated Black and hated his brother for dumping him there , since he always made a point of telling them so . Then he 'd heard the front door open and Black confronting the intruder with murderous growls and barks . As his wits had flooded back to him through his boozy haze , he 'd scrambled under the bed to grab the Louisville Slugger he always kept there , but he didn 't find it . Then had come the loud report of a handgun and the brief , loud yelp from Black , his last . Fear had gripped him then , and unexpected wave of grief for that damned dog . Sliding under the bed in fear for his life , he had laid perfectly still as heavy footsteps walked to his bedroom door and flipped on the lights . Luckily he had been too drunk to drive home again and Laurie had dropped him off , so his truck hadn 't been parked outside , making it easy for whomever wore the heavy , black work boots to believe he wasn 't home . The boot man had rummaged through the - - He fumed . Mr . Boldt . The owner of the cement plant and most of the town . No one really knew him these days . He lived in Chicago , everyone said , moved up there years ago . His father had known him . " Where is it ? " he growled . " I want it back . " " Shut up ! Just shut up ! " If he got off Carlo , how could he be sure he 'd get out if here alive ? And where would he go ? " Where 's the gun ? " he screamed , pressing again on Carlo 's neck . He reached down and patted Carlo 's waist and heels , making sure the gun wasn 't on him . Then he fished in Carlo 's front pockets and took out his keys and his phone . " I 'm taking that fucking gun , Carlo . I don 't trust you . It 's over with us , dude . How could you help him do this to me ? How could you steal everything I have left ? " " I don 't know if I can make it to the car , man . Call 911 , dude . I 'm hurt . You cracked my fucking skull , asshole . " " That 's your problem , man . " He jabbed the broom handle again , for emphasis . " You took everything I have left , Carlo . I 'm getting my shit back and then I 'm gone . I 'm so sick of this fucking town , all of you . " " You don 't want to fuck with him , Danny . Forget it . Get away . He 'll kill you , man . He 'll probably kill me now , too . " He thought again for a minute , and then said . " If I see you come out before I leave I 'll fucking shoot you with your own gun , Carlo . I mean it . You stay here for ten minutes and then so whatever you want . Goodbye . " Rising , he kicked Carlo hard in the ribs for emphasis and then ran in flopping socks across the damp concrete toward the exit . He didn 't look back . When he got to his boots , he grabbed them , stumbled around pulling them on , and ran to the ugly Sedan . Fumbling nervously with the keys , he opened the door , threw the keys on the passenger seat , and grasped around until he felt the cool metal of the gun . Pulling it out , he looked to see if the safety was on , but didn 't know enough about it to tell . He held it out away from his body , finger well away from the trigger , as he scrambled through the hole in the fence and found his way through the brush back to his truck . As he peeled away , he dialed 911 , a last gesture for a now dead forty year friendship . " You look like shit , Danny , " Laurie said through the still closed screen door . " I mean , like , more than usual . " Her demeanor made it clear that she wasn 't inviting him in . She had gotten the old dirt bike in the divorce , even though she hadn 't really wanted it . When she remarried she gave it to her stepson , who never rode it . " I 'll tune it up for him before I bring it back , " he lied again . " Three nights without coming to the bar , " she said . " That 's , like , a record , isn 't it ? I know you 're not on the wagon , so what 's up ? " " Rough couple of days like I said , babe , " he answered , feeling the burning in his stomach he got whenever she skewered him , especially when she was right , which seemed to be always . " Come on . I really need it . " He wanted to just walk away , but he was sure Carlo had reported him to the cops . He couldn 't risk driving the truck . He needed the bike . " Please , " he said , unable to look her in the eye . She regarded him coolly for a minute , saying nothing , before reaching for the hook beside the door and taking down a key ring with a single small key on it . She opened the door as little as possible and held it out for him . " If you wreck it , you fix it , " she said . He took the key from her and started to say , " Thanks , " but the door was closed before the word came out . He left the porch and headed for the backyard where he knew the bike was leaning against the toolshed under the torn , black cover he 'd bought years ago . As he threw back the plastic and started wheeling the bike into the driveway to begin the still - familiar ritual of getting it running , he winced in the memory of the days after Tres , his nickname for their son , Danny III , had died . He hadn 't handled it well . Neither had Laurie , but he hadn 't been there for her . He disappeared into a whiskey bottle and hadn 't found his way out yet . By the time she 'd had enough , she was gone three days before he even came home to notice . After a few minutes and some gas from the can in the shed , he got the bike running . He didn 't usually wear the helmet , but he decided he might need the disguise , so he picked it up from the ground beside the discarded cover , brushed it off and put it on . It smelled strongly of mildew . He straddled the bike , revved it , popped the clutch and tore away , leaving a black streak down the driveway . On purpose . It felt good to be on the bike again , speeding along the same streets he had ridden so many times as a young trouble maker when he was Little Danny to everyone in town . He cruised past Jasper Park on Central , whose grass he and Tony had torn up on this very bike numerous times , and then up around Brookman Cemetery , where he had stood with almost half the town less than a month ago as they bid farewell to Big Danny , though he wasn 't nearly so big by the end , wasting away in dementia at Dove Haven Nursing Care , though he still cast a shadow Little Danny felt he would never get out from under . " Your father was a great man , Danny , " people told him more times that he could count that day , and he would smile and thank them and wish it didn 't sound like an accusation to him . He sped up a little past the tombstones and iron gate , wondering what he should do next . He thought about dropping by to see Sheriff Maloney , his father ' oldest and best friend , to ask him more about what he knew . " Mr . Boldt is in town , Danny , " he 'd said . " It wouldn 't surprise me if he knows something about this . " But he hadn 't offered to help . Everyone knew the City Council was afraid of Boldt , and the sheriff was subject to them . " What did Big Dan ever tell you about Boldt ? " he 'd asked . Nothing . That 's what he told him and that was the truth . He only knew about Boldt like everyone else in town , through rumors and echoes of infamy . But , he decided going to the sheriff would be a mistake . He might be a wanted man . Maybe he would see if he could slip into the football club house at the high school and catch a shower . He doubted they had fixed the old door that he 'd known how to jimmy for more than twenty years . As he turned the bike off Central and onto Main , however , his heart skipped a beat when he saw the Black Cadillac in the parking lot of the Wilson Inn . He parked the bike behind the old strip motel , the only one in town , and walked to the corner of the row of rooms to peek around the corner and watch the SUV for a minute . No one came in or out of any of the adjacent rooms . The parking lot was pretty empty . There was a light blue Lincoln Town Car parked beside the SUV near the middle of the row of rooms , and a couple of pickups at the far end . The curtains were drawn on all the rooms , thankfully . He steeled his nerves and began walking as nonchalantly as he could toward the Cadillac . No one came out , but , when he got to the SUV , the windows were too dark to see into . Was this the right SUV ? He couldn 't remember seeing a car like this in town before . What were the chances more than one visitor was driving this car ? And there was fresh mud on the fenders , as there would be driving the dirt road near the plant . He retreated back behind the building to think . What he really wanted most was to get his money and leave town . Right ? Was that right ? The thought of losing the pictures of Tres made him feel sick to his stomach . And , what about the answers ? What was this about ? Carlo had said something about papers . He had never looked at his father 's papers . His father had worked for years , before he got sick , at the cement plant as a floor worker and then as a foreman . He had never been a man with much going on . He worked . He drank most evenings . He was active at the Catholic Church . He was not someone you would imagine having papers that anyone would care about . All he left behind when he died was debt . Mr . Boldt wasn 't the type to want the small bit of money Danny had set aside since his decline . What was it about ? He had to ask himself what he was really looking for . Maybe he should just get in his truck and leave . Did those couple I thousand dollars really matter ? Where would he go ? What would he do ? What would a couple thousand really buy him ? But , in the end , it was his interminable rebellion that got to him . Why should Boldt be allowed to take whatever he wanted ? Wh - - Seeing the pistol , he peeled the bike around as fast as he could and headed the other direction , pulling over close to the wall of the hotel hoping to block the man 's line of sight with the small dumpster beside which he 'd parked his bike . He winced in fear at the thought of a bullet , but he didn 't look back . The path in front of him was blocked by a chain link fence , so he turned sharply to the left , barely avoiding a collision with the fence , and sped down the narrow alley behind the perpendicular row of motel rooms . At the end of the alley he looked left quickly and was relieved to see that traffic was light on Main . Turning sharply to the right , he opened the throttle wide and tore away from the motel toward the edge of town . In the one small mirror mounted on the handlebars he saw the SUV screech out onto Main behind him to give chase and his heart rose into his throat . He had never seen the big man before . It certainly wasn 't Mr . Boldt . Up ahead he saw the turn for Farm to Market Road 870 just past the Marathon station on the left . He veered left into the fun lane and , without slowing , careened onto 870 . His mind raced , trying to decide where to go . 870 might have been a mistake . The SUV could probably outrun the small bike on the long straightaway . His eyes darted back and forth from the road ahead to the small mirror , hoping the big man hadn 't seen him and the SUV would drive by and not turn , but his bad luck was holding and the black Cadillac sped through the intersection and fell in behind him , maybe a quarter of a mile back . He reached back with his brake hand to make sure the lockbox was secure in the bungee cord he had used to quickly secure it to the back of the seat . A glance in the mirror told him the SUV was gaining quickly . He looked ahead and saw the tree line of the woods around the Lake , and suddenly remembered the dirt path that led toward Wildcat Canyon just past the start if the tree line . He tried to crank the throttle back even farther , but it was already open wide . The trees were about - - He 'd been walking for almost four hours and had finally stopped cussing aloud to no one about the bent wheel on the bike . He hadn 't seen the huge tree root until it was too late . In the end , though he hated having to walk out , he was just glad he hadn 't hurt more than his finger in the rough landing . He held it up again . More swollen . Purple . Wrong angle . Broken for sure . But he had his cash in his pocket and his dad 's papers tucked into the back of his pants . He would get to his truck and get out of town . He 'd hated leaving the lockbox with Tres 's pictures behind , but he 'd hidden it pretty well in a deadfall far from the bike . He didn 't think anyone would find it . He would come back for it someday , after things blew over . The edge of the tree line wasn 't far ahead , and he was glad to see that he had navigated well . He was on the east edge of town , where the woods wrapped up close behind the crappy frame houses and taverns that made up " Easton , " the wrong side of the tracks where he lived and caroused these days . His truck was hidden behind the burned out Philips place less than three blocks away . As he came to the tree line , though , he spotted the back door of his favorite haunt and decided to make one last visit there before splitting . It was late evening by now and Laurie would certainly be there behind the bar . She loved the place . It was her bar . Her husband , Tom , had bought it for her a few years back . The former owner had loved the place , too , but had gone through a breakdown of sorts several years ago and had run the place into the ground . In the end , he 'd ended up having to put the place on the block to pay creditors . Mr . Boldt had made a bid to buy the place , but the town rallied to stop him when he submitted permits to open the place as a strip club . Then Tom , who owned the cafe on the square , bought the place with a couple of local businessmen and gave it to Laurie . As he remembered it , he was glad she 'd ended up with it . She 'd worked there for years and loved the place even then . It was where they 'd He knew the back door would be unlocked . He slipped in and closed the door behind him as softly as he could , though it still had that loud creak and attracted the attention of Dave from his normal spot at the sink of glasses . He reached for the papers tucked into his pants and drew them out . " Some people broke into my house and stole these papers . I got them back , but I don 't know what they are or why anyone would want them . " He held them out to Laurie , who looked at them like they were dirty and didn 't take them . " Tom 's good with legal stuff . Can you ask him to look at them for me ? " Still she just stared at him . He forced himself to look her in the eye . " Please ? " " Okay . I 'll ask him . But he 's very busy . You 're fired , by the way . He said I should tell you if I saw you . " A week in the city had passed and he still hadn 't found work . It was nine o ' clock when he finally found a parking place in front of the dingy , smoky Irish pub he had made his new hangout . His money would last at least a few more weeks at this rate , but sitting in the shabby hotel all day calling uninterested employers was making him bored and restless . He hadn 't called Laurie for a couple of days to see what Tom might have found out . Last time he called she said Tom had looked at the papers a bit but was very busy and might not have time to look at them more until this weekend . He walked into the dim place and took a seat near the end of the bar as far from the door as possible and the bartender poured him a double Tullamore Dew , neat , and a glass of water , without asking or saying hello , having learned that he wasn 't much for talking . He drank the first one pretty quickly , wishing he had a cigarette , but he didn 't want to start that old , expensive habit up again he always wanted a cigarette when he was drinking . Back at home he would sometimes bum one , but he didn 't know anyone here well enough . The bartender poured him another without a word and he took the first sip , wishing he had something besides nothing to think about . He thought of the quick grave in the backyard he had dug for Black before he left , how putrid his rain - damp body had been beneath the tarp in the backyard when he 'd dumped him , wrapped in the same tarp , into the too - shallow hole . He wished he had been present enough to have buried him before he had left the house in a confused panic after the break - in . But , regrets didn 't accomplish much , he supposed . He 'd had too many over the past few years and they had gotten him nowhere . He turned to see Sheriff Maloney . He knew it was him before he saw him , and his mind raced , wondering if he should flee . " Sheriff ? " he said , unsure what to do . He imagined the Sheriff arresting him for assaulting Carlo . Or for breaking into the Cadillac . He looked at him , confused for a minute , and finally asked , " How did you find me ? " " Tom came to talk to me , " his dad 's old friend said , taking a seat , uninvited , in the empty stool to the left . " So I put out an APB on your tags . They called me yesterday and said you would be here . " He tried to process that . It made sense , he figured , that Carlo and the other man hadn 't gone to law enforcement . They had plenty to hide themselves . " Talk about what ? " he asked . The Sheriff had thought he should come back with him in his squad car after hearing about the incident at the motel , but he decided to wait until the next morning and come back on his own . He agreed to come see the Sheriff first thing when he got to town . The Sheriff hadn 't told him many details , just that Mr . Boldt wanted to see him and had an offer to make him . The Sheriff would guarantee his safety . So , after sleeping off the whiskey he had drunk after the Sheriff left the night before , he woke up late in the morning , checked out of the shabby hotel , and made the three hour drive back to the town he thought he had left behind . He came in the long way , past the lake , and stopped at the Quickway near the campgrounds to get coffee , his eyes peeled as he got close for the black Cadillac . As he walked out the door of the gas station , he decided to give Laurie a call from the pay phone before going to see the Sheriff . He wasn 't sure what he would say , but he wanted to let her know he was back . " I 've done a lot of looking at those papers , Danny . I need to talk to you about them . You need to know what they say . " He sighed , not wanting to be bothered with Tom or Laurie . She would hound him about the bike . He would hound him about disappearing from work . " I 'll come by , as soon as I can . " he said . He sighed audibly . He wanted to just turn around and leave town again . He was sick of this place , of who he had become to all these people . " Okay , " he agreed , though he hadn 't decided what to do . He walked through the open screen and door into Tom 's and Laurie 's living room . Laurie wasn 't there , but Jack Darvish was sitting on the couch . Jack was a local politician of some kind . He 'd gone to school with Jack 's older brother , Clint . Clint had been a baseball player , too . Jack was several years younger and had always been more of a brain than a jock . He 'd never really liked him . " Oh . Clint 's good . He 's working at the plant still . He and Tracy just had their fourth , a girl . They named her Gwen . " He wanted to leave , but he just paused a minute and then sat in the overstuffed chair near the door . It wasn 't comfortable . " What 's up ? " he asked . Not much , he thought . " She left dad when I was pretty young . I don 't really remember her . " It wasn 't true . He always remembered her . He remembered a green dress , and singing , and a white necklace on a gold chain . It had a woman 's face on it . " Right , " Jack said . " Well , Dietrich Boldt had run the plant for your grandfather , Padraig Breen for several years . Your mother , Rose , had an affair with him and left your father . " Jack glanced at Tom again . " Well , that 's the thing , " he said . " The date on it is less than four months before she died , long after the will that gave Dietrich Boldt ownership He blinked and looked at them , unable to process what they were implying . Some part of him understood , but he couldn 't align himself with the implications . He blinked at them again several times . " I was wondering if you had changed your mind , " the Sheriff said when he walked into the office . He started to sit down in the chair across the desk , but the Sheriff stood quickly . " Let 's head over there . " " Just come with me . " The Sheriff motioned him toward the door . He walked out into the hallway . The Sheriff followed him out and closed the door behind him , checking the handle to be sure it was locked . " I 'm parked out back . " He laughed . " It 's a small town , Danny . I think we 'll be fine . " Still he didn 't move from in front of the door . The Sheriff looked at him in a puzzled way for a moment longer , and then said , " He 's at St . Joseph 's . " The smell of the hospital would always remind him of the night his dad died . He hadn 't really visited the town 's small hospital much in his life . The ambulance had brought Tres here , but he was already DOA . He was dead when they picked him up . Tres died at seven years of age in his arms in the driveway of their house , his truck still running and his door still open from when he had jumped out , the sickness rising in his stomach that lingered to this day , knowing already the worst had happened . He followed the Sheriff down the hall to Room 111 . The Sheriff opened the door , but didn 't go in . He hesitated , looking at the Sheriff . " Is he alone ? " Mr . Boldt was asleep when he walked in . He stood beside the old man 's bed for a minute and regarded him . He was a big man , broad shoulders and a thick neck . His white hair was still full and looked well - groomed . He had a bushy grey moustache . The old man didn 't look unkind , but he looked formidable , even with the fading bruise of a black eye and his right arm in a cast . He 'd never seen the man before , though , like everyone in town , he 'd known the infamous name all his life . He reached out and tapped the man lightly on the left arm . The old man 's eyes snapped open and he jerked with a start , eliciting a light groan , and he cleared his throat and regarded the younger man silently for a minute , not moving . " I got into scrap with some friends , thanks to you . " The old man laughed when he said it , though doing so made him wince . " They didn 't get out unscathed , " he said , with a wink and smile . " Though I certainly got the worst of it . " The old man waved it off with a look of distaste . " I don 't prefer nicknames when men talk serious business . And it 's good that you 're not . Betting is a bad habit . Trust me on that . Nothing but grief . " " It 's an addiction , betting , Daniel . Do you know that ? I understand you might know something about addiction . " He pantomimed a sip from a glass as he said it . He smiled at that . " Very well , then , Danny . " He adjusted himself to sit taller , a maneuver that obviously caused him discomfort . " You must know that I wanted some documents that your father kept in a small safe box . " Mr . Boldt looked intently at him . " I don 't care about the money , Danny . It 's your money . I never meant to take it from you . I just wanted the papers of mine your father had . " " Well , like I said , Danny , I don 't care about the money . But I 'm willing to pay you for the papers . They are of no value to you , but they are of interest to me , and to my friends . " " I already did . They are of no value to you , but great value to me . And you have them . You could just give them to me . " He smiled at that . " They 're valuable to you , right ? I guess just giving them to you would be bad business . I wouldn 't want tone a bad businessman . " " A businessman ? Is that what you are , Daniel ? That 's not what I 've heard . I 'm a businessman . I always have been . And a good one . " " But you 've had little success in business , right ? I seem to remember something about a bar you couldn 't keep solvent some years back . Wasn 't that you ? " He liked the sound of that . He could walk away and live on that for a while . But , he decided to play it cool . " What 's the company worth ? " " The company that owns most of this town . The company you run . It must be worth a lot , right ? $ 20 , 000 seems a little low for a man like you to get put in the hospital by some thugs . " The old man paused for a long while at that . " My company is worth millions , Daniel . But that 's not what we 're talking about . We 're talking about your papers . " " Oh , " the mayor said , " I 'm sorry , Dietrich , I didn 't know you had a visitor . I hope this isn 't a bad time . I needed to talk to you . " " Jack , " the mayor said , " could you step outside with Mr . O ' Shea ? Hello , Danny . I need to speak with Mr . Boldt for a moment . Sorry to interrupt . It 's pretty urgent . " " I 'm not exactly sure , Danny . " They got to the waiting room and Jack sat in a shiny , brown leather chair . " Have a seat , Danny . You should see this , " he said , holding out a piece of light green stationery paper with handwriting on it . " It will help you understand . " He took the paper and walked over by the window . It was grey outside and drizzling . He was suddenly overcome by the desire to flee . He wanted nothing to do with these people . He had no idea what this will thing meant for him . He was tired of his life , tired of everything , tired . He missed his father . He decided that he would just go . He 'd find work . He 'd try to forget about everything . I 'm not asking you to respond . Just pass this on to our son and explain it to him . I know it might be a shock to him and to you . He will need your help . I hear he runs a little bar in town , but that won 't prepare him for this . I cannot leave my father 's company , which he loved almost as much as he loved my mother and me , to Dietrich . He 's taken to gambling and in a bad way , Danny . He will ruin it all , I know . Enclosed is my will . I 'm sending a copy of it to you , and I 've sent one to the company 's longtime attorney , Oscar Bershem , and one to Dietrich . I know he will be angry , but he has brought this on himself . I trust Oscar to work with you to make everything happen as it should . I am leaving my father 's company to our son , Daniel . Most of it , anyway . Enough that , together , you should be able to keep Dietrich from squandering it on his foolish addiction . He will get only 15 % . He has earned that much at least , I think . The rest is for Daniel . I 'm dying , Danny . I don 't know if you still have any fondness to care , but it 's cancer of the pancreas . The doctors have done all they can . I only have weeks left . It 's important to me to have this done now , while I still can . I am also enclosing my mother 's brooch . I understand that Daniel has a young son . If he never has a daughter , maybe his son can give it to his wife , or pass it on to a great granddaughter . I 'm no better a grandmother than I am a mother . I will never meet him now , I know . And why would he want to meet me ? I won 't throw around words about love for you or our son . They would sound empty , I know . I 'm sorry , Danny , for everything . I hope you have found happiness . He tried to feel something about the letter . It left him feeling hollow . He skimmed over it a second time , but there was nothing . He folded it in his hand and turned back toward Jack . He walked over and took it from Jack . Opening it , he saw something inside . He dumped it into his hand and turned the brooch over . He remembered it , a woman 's face carved in white stone of some kind on a gold chain . A lump rose in his throat , but nothing more . He remembered it . Feeling the smooth carving with his thumb , he wondered what to do next . He dropped to necklace in his jacket pocket and sank into a chair a few away from Jack . Within three minutes he was asleep . He dreamed of a necklace , a green dress , and a song to which he could almost remember the tune . " Can I go ? " He wasn 't sure why he asked the man 's permission . He stood with a groan and looked around the room for something . He wasn 't sure what . " I 'm sure they just want to hear your side of the story . The men Boldt brought to town have been under investigation by the FBI for some time . Mob ties or something . I understand you had a run in with them . They want to ask you about that . " For some reason , he felt a sudden pang of sympathy for the old man , in spite of everything . These men bothered him more than Boldt had . Mr . Boldt had been direct with him in a manner he had enjoyed , though he had no love for the man . These politicians and lawmen annoyed some part of him in ways he couldn 't explain . " I 'm going to get some coffee , " he said , and he turned and walked away quickly before the Mayor could offer to come along . He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked and recoiled a bit at the necklace . It had seemed a dream , the letter and the necklace , but it hadn 't been . It had been real . He followed the signs toward the cafeteria and turned the brooch over with his finger and thumb , rubbing the smooth stone of the carving , thinking , as always , about just walking away from all of this . He followed the lawman back through the waiting room and down the hall toward Room 111 . There was another indistinguishable FBI man waiting outside the closed door . He nodded at the first lawman and knocked , then opened the room without waiting for a response . As he entered the room he saw Mr . Boldt sitting up on the edge of the bed with blue slacks , black shoes and a white undershirt on . A nurse was helping him with his white dress shirt , his broken arm tucked inside and the other through the arm of the shirt properly . She was trying to button as much of the shirt as she could . " Well , I suspect these men will want me to tell them everything I know about my friends . And they will offer to protect me . Between you and me , I will be fine without them . I 'm not afraid of anyone . " " And your Mayor is already scrounging up rich friends to buy me out of YOUR company . I won 't go cheap , I can tell you . I owe a lot of money to my friends , and I have no plans to die a pauper . " He didn 't smile as he said that , but then , after a moment , his big smile returned . The new board of the company , made up of some longtime members from the old board and several new investors from town , had insisted that he be involved in company business . They said they couldn 't afford to have the majority owner completely unfamiliar with the operations . So , he accepted a position as co - chairman and attended the minimum number of board meetings possible . In exchange they gave him a generous salary and one demand : he had to attend AA meetings regularly . They got status reports from his sponsor . He had also made a habit of going to Monday afternoon status meetings at the cement plant , but he didn 't really pay attention most of the time . His contribution , so far , had been to veto an action item to fix the hole in the fence . " Let me be perfectly clear , " he 'd said , " as long as I own this company that hole will stay there . " When they asked why , he said the town needed that hole in the fence . He refused to say any more on the matter . " Fuck them . This is about you . Tell you what , man , " Mike said . " You go to my friend , Donna , and set it up . You do that - and I 'm gonna check with her and make sure you do - I 'll give a good report to your people . " He thought about it , but the thought didn 't appeal to him much . " I 'm just going to keep coming to the meetings , Mike . I don 't have any interest in that , but thanks . " " Look , brother , I mean this in all love ; I don 't give a shit what you 're interested in . If you don 't start making progress , I 'm going to tell those fuckers that you 're loony as hell and there 's no hope of you getting better . I mean it . " Something about those words hit him . Stuck in reverse . He didn 't know if she 'd meant it that way , but it hurt him . Stuck in reverse ever since he 'd backed out of the driveway that horrible day . His new cabin out by the lake , far enough out of town that no one got in his way , had a circle drive of crushed gravel . Stuck in reverse . He fumbled with the necklace in his pocket and thought about it . " We 're all just doing what we have to , " he said . " I might have done the same or worse in his position . " She poured water into her annoyingly dainty little glass from the clear , slender pitcher she always kept on the table . She filled the glass a million times a session . He wondered why she didn 't just get a bigger glass . " I don 't think you would have . " She set the pitcher down and flipped her stupid hair . " Did you talk to Carlo ? " Mike had insisted that he participate in the apologizing religion they had going at AA . So , he 'd made a list of people he should apologize to and had been working through it over the past couple of weeks . " Yeah . " He thought about burying Black in the backyard , the putrid smell and the cold . It hadn 't been easy . " I cracked his skull . He was trapped and scared . I apologized . He apologized . I think we 're even . " He thought about standing the morning before in Brookman Cemetery in front of his son 's little monument , a couple of places over from his father 's . He had been there many times , but that had been the first time sober , including the funeral . He remembered what he had said and how he had cried for the first time since that terrible day . " No , " he lied . He wasn 't ready to talk about all of that . " No , " he said , and it was true . He went to the pub twice a week or so and had a whiskey or two , but he hadn 't been drunk in weeks . He just didn 't want to be . The clock minute hand rolled mercifully vertical and he stood to go . " Thanks , Donna , " he said . " I have a meeting at the plant . I 'll see you Thursday . " There is a song , sung often , that I cannot sing . I cannot make out the words . The chorus is something like , " Me too . Yes , me too . I am like you . I feel that too . " Everywhere people gather in clusters to sing the song and to dance the dance and I cannot join them . One at a time they step , in no order I can discern , to the center of the circle for a verse . All around they sit or stand , smoking cigarettes or holding cocktails in perfect casual repose , and they sing the basic things of life , foundational things , the fabric . They love , it seems , the pattern of it all , and they all sing in harmony . None of them notices , it seems , the deep communion of their participation . They are simply living an organic life , touching one another as intimately as the circle allows , pulling ever closer . You cannot notice all of this and still join in , I think . Their eyes are closed as they live and your eyes are opened , observing and describing from outside , from the edge . They talk in perfect rhythm and you only measure the meter . This is me . I am like this , a wallflower on the dance floor of everywhere , the voice of a director 's commentary breaking the flow of their romantic comedy , criticizing their drama , analyzing their terror . Maybe I 'm a different sort of animal , only half human . Maybe one parent was some faithless fallen angel , condemned to write the story her fate , doomed always to notice where he was not . From time to time my human blood wants to sing or to dance , but you cannot join into the middle of the song . You have to wait until it ends . And it doesn 't end . It never , ever ends . Two beings , First and Second , met in space at the edge of a small solar system . First shared with second , in the perfect way that their kind shared , the total concept and nuance of a fascinating little blue and green planet First had been visiting for quite some time . It was covered with creatures of wood and green foliage , and other creatures that moved around all over the surface , eating other creatures to survive . Second was especially fascinated with the idea of one type of creature , a creature that built machines and contraptions and lived in complicated boxes they constructed to make themselves comfortable and protect themselves from the often hostile environment of the planet . Second was most curious that these creature seemed to communicate with one another using noises and symbols . First agreed with Second that they could not imagine there would be enough different noises and symbols to clearly communicate all the nuances and intricacies required for real sharing . First expressed to Second the suspicion that bad communication was probably the source of much conflict First had witnessed while there . As a girl she had discovered , in the woods not far from home , a flower with an eye , an actual eye , the same color as her sister 's eyes , green with a little grey . She bent to look at it and in seemed to regard her . It blinked . She talked to it , but it didn 't seem to hear , though it watched her intently . She had gone back to the place several times to visit it over the next year , until her father had been transferred to work in a city halfway across the country . She never told anyone about it , and never experienced anything else so extraordinary in her life . Now , years later , she was parked at the edge of the woods . As a rational adult , she was puzzled by the memory . Funny how she had just accepted it . Funny how she had gone for long periods of time without thinking about it , only to remember it again once in a while , wondering what it was , how it came to be there , if it were there still . As she approached the place , the woods having changed surprisingly little over the years , she stopped suddenly at the sound of a little voice . She ducked behind a tree and glanced around to see a young girl crouched , talking to something in front of her . She couldn 't make out the words . She wondered who the girl was , what her life was like . She watched her for several minutes before turning back toward her car . I feel perfectly aware . Heightened , even . It confuses me , therefore , that there isn 't more pain . I wrapped the wounds - god , they are deep - and stopped most of the heavy bleeding . The gut wound is a mess . I couldn 't really wrap it , so I just , sort of , stuffed it . It 's all I can do for now , so I don 't want to look at it or think about it anymore . Maybe I 'm going into shock . Maybe this is what shock feels like . It seems like there should be more pain . It 's completely dark now and there 's no one around the lakeshore area . The tourists and workers are gone . The little open - air bar and grill is packed up and closed . All of my friends are gone . Dead . All but Andre , and he 's in this cabin . I saw him slip in here and he doesn 't know I saw . That 's the only advantage I have . He 's got that machete , and it 's sharp . Thinking about it makes my gut pulse with remembered pain . I 've just got this baseball bat and pocket knife . I 'll have to use the element of surprise . I 'm on the porch pressed to the wall beside the front door . My breathing is completely silent now . I cannot hear Andre moving around anymore . Has he gone to sleep ? Surely he couldn 't sleep after all of this . He might be wounded . I got a few good punches in before he really hacked into me . He probably thinks I 'm dead . I 'm going to die . I think it 's inevitable now . Why isn 't there more pain ? Is this shock ? I don 't feel light - headed . Perfectly aware . Heightened . If I 'm going to die , he is too . There 's no light coming out through the window . No sound . I know he 's in there . I saw him slip in . Sliding over quietly to the edge of the window , I crouch down . I want to peek in , but , if he 's watching the window , he 'll see . It 's dark out here , though . No moon . I risk a peek , but it 's no good . I cannot see anything . Steps ! He 's walking around . I crouch out of the window and slide back over beside the door . Is he coming out ? Did he see me ? I tense up and pain shoots through my wounds , making me wince . I have to get the jump on him . I hold the bat up at the ready . He 's not going to get the better of me again . I didn 't hear him coming earlier . He hit me with this damned bat and got the machete from me . He sliced me up pretty good . He probably thought I was dead , but he 's never killed anyone before . In the trajectory of this planet through space - time from violent birth to violent death we enjoy this season during which the innumerable environmental variables are temporarily hospitable to life such as us . The complex motion of this planet has turned me away from the nearby star we orbit , blocking the relentless radiation of heat and light so that I could , were I so inclined , step out into the cool shadow we call night and see other more distant stars filling the sky . But instead I am hiding inside the box I call a house , nestled in this soft bed , blinking into the artificial light of this bright phone , tapping into it symbols that attempt to capture my pondering such an accord I share with the spheres . And it 's like that with us , too . From violent birth to violent death , orbiting each other through cycles of light and dark . Turning toward you is warm and bright , blinding me to all the lesser stars . Ride this rolling world with me . Lets make the most of this season we have , temporarily hospitable to life . Reaching out for you , I would pull you close and watch the entire metaphor collapse into sensual singularity under the cover of these warm blankets . The universe is expanding and cooling . Quick , let 's make love while there 's still time . She plays outside with him whatever the weather , sometimes in yesterday 's hair , sometimes in shiny , fancy regalia . When the money is short , she buys him the handful of foods he will eat and forages for herself . She does all this because he is more than other people understand to her . He is the other half of her soul . He showed up to take care of her just in time . Sometimes he plays nearby and she rakes the shoreline , washes the clothes , mops the kitchen . But he is never far from her thoughts . They ride scooters . They draw pictures on the sidewalk . She knows how to make him laugh like no one else . She wrestles him sleepy . She makes him Poptarts ( the tops only ) and sees him to school . She celebrates hooky days when she senses the changing weather is frazzling his nerves . She doesn 't care anymore if you understand them . She has given up on most of us ever getting it . They get each other . They deserve each other . Figure it out if you can . They don 't have time to explain . Too many adventures await . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . Later . Love . She prefers the mild winter or fall because she loves the way she looks and feels with high black boots hugging her legs and the swish and sway of long , light jackets or sweaters . Her best friend has long , full , dark hair that hangs around her face and shoulders like mystery and seduction so beautifully she almost falls in love with her friend on a regular basis and she thinks she would love to grow her hair out like that , a warm cover of cascading beauty , but she always keeps her hair cropped close in pixie - short cuts that leave her slender neck for showing the scarves she loves too much , she thinks , the scarves she owns in questionable numbers , she often feels , bright and light and billowy . Her favorite day is walking blustery sidewalks alone from shops to cafes to boutiques , one or two small bags , no great burden , with some new , lively treasures . Her favorite feeling is words , just a few , with some new stranger . She always tries to put love and praise into what she says . She never wants to discourage or hurt the way they did to her for all that time , long behind , in dingy , smokey rent houses she never lets herself remember . She wants to see eyes light up or smiles , always from a distance , a few feet away , not close enough to touch , to hurt . At night she lies alone and listens to the endless stream of music recommended for her by sweet , innocent Leo . She doesn 't like it or dislike it , she just wants to hear it , to feel it , like sheets on her sensitive skin . People see her on the sidewalk and smile . Her friend loves the feeling of her fingers playing forgetfully in her long , dark hair as they talk of the easy nothing much that happens each day . Leo loves her but will never let her know . She falls asleep and dreams of floating naked in a warm , bottomless sea . Love songs whisper her far away . I was a little surprised to see an octopus sitting at the bar , to be honest with you , but I acted cool about it . I try to be open minded , you know ? I just took my normal seat - two stools over from the large cephalopod - and ordered my usual , Glenfiddich , neat . I sat there quietly , looking at my phone a little and humming along to the music . I glanced over to see if it was talking to me , realizing quickly that I was too unfamiliar with octopus anatomy to tell for sure . " What 's that ? " I asked casually . We sat there for a few minutes in silence . I sipped my drink . It picked up its beer with a tentacle and pulled it into some hole and drank it , I can only assume . " Truth is , it has been a bit of a tough day . " I said after a minute . I waited for a response , but It didn 't reply or turn toward me . It just turned slightly orange and reached for another beer . There 's a road at the edge of town that only a few of us know and if you take it your sorrows and your fears and all your weary years cannot come with you . At the end of the road is a swimming hole , clear and deeper than anyone knows . By the time you get there you 're a kid again , bewildered and excited in your swimming suit . It 's always a hot summer day . The water is always cool but not cold . When you jump in you don 't have to hold your breath or close your eyes . You can laugh under the water . You don 't have to come up until you want to , maybe to lie on your towel on the bank in the sun and dry off . Every touch and every look is innocent there . You might lie beside a girl or a boy . If you kiss or hold hands , it 's only sweet and simple and fleeting . You might just talk or stare up at the clouds . You might , once you 're dry , look for fossils or shells or dive back in the bottomless pool . It 's light all the way down , and full of wonders . However long you stay , you 're never late getting back . I know where this road is . What do you say ? I dreamed an old dream I 've not dreamt for some time that I was the one responsible for shaping the clouds so that they looked like animals to children staring up from below . It 's an important job , and difficult , though incredibly rewarding . I wish I could do that job in waking life , but I don 't know how to apply . It 's my dream job . He preferred to listen to the radio as he drove , but there was nothing in this part of West Texas but country stations and Mexican radio , so he was sitting in prickly silence except for the wind noise , which was considerable since the AC in this jalopy sedan didn 't work and , although it was an early October afternoon , it was 92 degrees . Sweat dripped from the back of his hair down his neck . Out of muscle habit he tried to swig from the beer bottle that had been dry for more than two hours . Still empty . The outside air was gritty and arid . He started to hum the guitar riff from " Smoke on the Water " and tap his hand to the remembered rhythm on the warm metal of the car door just outside the window . She was asleep in the backseat , angry , or at least she had been when she 'd climbed over the front seat back there and turned away from him . He was taking her to pack her things from her parents ' house in Truth or Consequences , New Mexico , but now he suspected she had had enough of him . Probably she would just get out the car and he would drive away . He wondered how he could persuade her to stay , what justification he could offer for his many offenses . He couldn 't think of any . He 'd never been able to . Maybe they were unjustified after all . He 'd always assumed some code of justice drove him , made his iniquities understandable , but he doubted it now . It was sobering , like this long dry road , this empty beer bottle , this barren country with no rock music and not another car for as long as he could remember . Years later , when she finally left him , he would think back to this drive and wonder why she 'd stayed all that time . Every morning , however she feels , she packs a modest lunch from home , because she has learned that the ritual discipline of small practicalities builds , bit by bit , the quality of life she had no hope for when she was out there , her life on fire , out of control . She trusts people slowly now , especially men , but she is more sure of the ones who make it through , open and real with them . Sometimes she is gripped with sudden residual dread and she has to remind herself that danger is less likely now , that some worries no longer apply , however real the phantom grip clawing at her chest . Even if there is money and someone invites her for lunch out , she almost always politely declines . A humble lunch , packed herself , is a breath of wellness in her day . It gives her just a little more pride . And hope . At the place where the copse - tangled creek - deceptively untamed for the urban neighborhood through which it meandered - passed under the busy boulevard , he trekked through what he was tempted to call a culvert , though in fact it was technically a bridge . Walking on the lower edge of the ramp of concrete he was able , just barely , to pass through upright without stepping in the muddy , mossy water or banging his head on the concrete roadbed that trembled overhead with the motion of passing cars . Near the far side he saw that someone had spray - painted " skate " on the bridge support in angular , graffiti script , black with a red outline . A few yards farther ahead an overturned shopping cart in the creek bed was rusting badly and gathering quite a mound of moss as the water passed through . He enjoyed walking these city creeks for some reason . They made him feel in touch with something primitive or organic . They relaxed him . It 's funny how little it takes . A few feet on either side can be like another world . Twenty feet away there 's an office park , but somehow he 's exploring the uncharted wilderness . Hello , friends . I trust you 're well . Later . Love . If someone asked you the question , " What do you want ? " could you answer it ? Do you know what you want ? Because I don 't . Well , I might . I asked myself , and I didn 't know . I really didn 't . For the past twenty - one years , you see , I was along for the ride with a competent , intelligent ( and beautiful ) woman who had a plan for what we wanted out of life and I didn 't know all the details but I was happy to just go with it because she was smarter and she had ideas and I really hadn 't thought about it . But then she got cancer and then she died . And now I feel like all the momentum she built up is dissipating and I 'm coasting to a stop , which isn 't good . I 'm only 41 years old , after all . I plan to live to be 200 ( at least ) , so 94 % of my life is still in front of me . ( I think . I 'm no math expert . ) So now I have to decide what I want in life . And I don 't know . But I 've been thinking about it and I 'm starting to get some ideas . I want my children to grow and develop independent , autonomous lives , so that their potential to thrive is not bounded by mine , so that they can continue to thrive after my inevitable death , and so that I can enjoy , once they 're grown , an independent , autonomous life that I have never known . Regarding material possessions I want a life that is small and simple enough that I can fully inhabit it , that I can fully understand it , that I can afford it without extravagances of money , that I can use and care for it properly , consisting of things characterized by efficacy , sustainability , reliability and beauty . I want to continue learning all my life , focusing on knowledge , skill and wisdom that increases the happiness and well - being of everyone in my life , including me . I want to pass my days in a healthy balance of working , spending time alone in self - improvement and relaxation and spending time with other people in love , service , fun and peace . That 's what I 've got so far . And I know I need more , and I need specifics , but it 's a start . I 'm okay with it . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . LatePosted by scott at 17 : 43 in bloggy , thoughts | Permalink Does someone wonder where you are , when you aren 't there ? Does someone wish you were here ? Sometimes it 's nice to disappear , I guess . But when you 're out for days , for months , and no one ever calls to ask , " Where are you ? Won 't you please come here ? " you get that awful , endless howling . No one 's going to call . No one wonders where you are . There 's nowhere you 're expected . You 're completely free . Like a stray dog is free to fend . Like an abandoned farmhouse is free to fall . A forgotten name someone used to know . |
All this lockstep , clockwork , digitally rigid machination does not suit us . We are animals , and even that is too precise . We are a chemical accident , a maelstrom of chaotic coincidence of physics that has culminated in a complicated cooperation of particles we have come to describe as biology , life . Somehow our particular makeup has arranged itself ephemerally into a construct that has allowed thought , metaphysics , imagination , dreams to exist in the artificial space we think of us our mind , our soul . But all our absolutes are illusions . Years get longer and shorter with every terrestrial tremor . One day the sun will wink out , but we 'll be long gone by then , and nothing will remember that we once believed men should only love women , days lasted 24 hours ( what the fuck is an hour ? ) , this thin crust of hard material surfing on the molten core of our planet was a firmament . In the meantime , these bodies and this entirely inexplicable new thing that is our human mind worries itself over what might be forever true , as if anything is . I am glad for a lack of perspective that leads me to experience this tiny blip of what the universe considers real duration as a long life . I want to experience as much of this artifice carved out of physical reality with you as I can . Let 's not worry about something as temporary and abstract as tomorrow , yesterday , forever , should , ought , proper . Burn the seconds away with me and let 's enjoy whatever the hell this is . What is a kiss in the scope of everything ? Who cares ? In the scope of this human moment , it is bliss and pleasure , concepts the atoms couldn 't recreate in all the aeons they have to try . This is a story I 've been posting in chapters on Facebook for the past few weeks . I wrote it all on my iPhone while hanging out at a few places , so there are probably typos . In the end , though I made it up as I went along , I like it . I hope you do , too . Hello , friends . The camper shell was not perfectly watertight , but he had parked on a slight uphill , so most of the intruding rain had found its way out through the troughs of the ridged pickup truck bed and he woke up lying in a general dampness rather than a pool of cold water . The old red toolbox was poking into the small of his back , a discomfort he would feel for a couple of days . The rolled jacket had proved a surprisingly effective pillow , and he was relieved to feel as though he had slept more soundly under the constant crinkling if the dirty blue tarp than he had imagined possible . A constant patter on the roof registered through his foggy waking stupor that the rain , though gentler , had not stopped . He opened his eyes to the cold dimness that told him it wasn 't long after dawn , but he closed them again and decided to lie still for a while longer before scrambling out of the junky shelter and back up front to continue his work . Thoughts flooded his mind from the day before , facts that had straightened and connected somehow in the cogitation of sleep into a more coherent plan for where to start the day , much clearer than the exhausted confusion of his late night surrender to the inevitability of sleeping for the first time in a few troubled days . He knew where he had to go next , the cement plant . It was the only connection that tied Carlo to the enigmatic Mr . Boldt . If he were going to get back what belonged to him and leave this fucking town behind for good , some part of him knew he would find the way forward at the cement plant . He had to be careful . He didn 't know what these people were into , and he didn 't want to know . He just wanted what was his and he wanted out . The rain picked up as he lay there building the resolve to make the next move . He listened to his breath and started stretching his aching muscles in preparation for arising . It had to be today . He had to make it happen . And he had to pee , so he threw off the tarp and sat up with a groan . He didn 't know who drove the big , shiny , black Cadillac SUV he watched from where he was hiding in the underbrush near the off - road thicket where he had parked his truck a few hundred yards from the cement plant . The Cadillac had barreled past him down the dirt road leaving the plant , the windows all tinted pitch black so he couldn 't see the driver or whether there were passengers . He knew well , however , the old green sedan parked beside the giant mound of grey , broken rock at the base of the conveyor belt that climbed way up to the top of the elevator silo of the plant . Carlo had inherited the ugly car from his brother several years ago , his brother having inherited it from their father years before that . Having never worked at the cement plant - having avoided it at all costs even though almost everyone in town , including his own father , had worked there - he didn 't know what all the large contraptions and machines inside were called or what they did , but he knew the plant layout well . Everyone who had passed their teen years in the town knew the hole in the fence , the dangerous thrill of climbing the conveyor belt , the best places to hide out in the late night gloom and drink a clandestine six pack or smoke a joint . The concrete floors were damp and made loud squeaking noises with off the rubber soles of his worn hiking boots , so he had left them near the back entrance and was creeping in filthy wet socks as quietly as he could back toward the open door near the back wall , the only one from which yellowish light shone out into the dim murk of the cavernous plant . As he got close to the light , he could hear someone shuffling around in the bright room . He flattened himself against the wall beside the door and gripped the handle he had unscrewed from a wide broom leaning in the corner near the entrance . He tried to breathe quietly , to steel his will to incapacitate as effectively as possible anyone emerging from the room , hoping it was Carlo and not some innocent weekend worker . The light went out , and his heart - - The impact was sickeningly violent as he struck the wooden broom handle directly into the man 's gut , and the pain and shock of the noise the manmade doubling over sent visceral shivers of aversion through his body . It was Carlo , to be sure . In spite of a wave of pity , he raised the handle high overhead and brought it down viscously again on the back of Carlo 's head . The handle splintered in two and the other half clattered loudly away across the concrete plant floor as Carlos fell in a heap , face down , onto the floor . Quickly he knelt down on Carlo 's back , pressing hard with both knees , and pushed the splintered end of the half broom handle firmly to the back of Carlo 's neck . " Don 't fucking move , Carlo ! " he growled through gritted teeth , all the anger flooding back to him as he remembered that night three days ago , waking panicked from his drunken collapse on the bedroom floor at the sound of the glass shattering out of his front door , followed quickly by the loud barking of Black , the German Shepherd his brother had dumped at his place " for a couple of days " six years earlier . Everyone knew he hated Black and hated his brother for dumping him there , since he always made a point of telling them so . Then he 'd heard the front door open and Black confronting the intruder with murderous growls and barks . As his wits had flooded back to him through his boozy haze , he 'd scrambled under the bed to grab the Louisville Slugger he always kept there , but he didn 't find it . Then had come the loud report of a handgun and the brief , loud yelp from Black , his last . Fear had gripped him then , and unexpected wave of grief for that damned dog . Sliding under the bed in fear for his life , he had laid perfectly still as heavy footsteps walked to his bedroom door and flipped on the lights . Luckily he had been too drunk to drive home again and Laurie had dropped him off , so his truck hadn 't been parked outside , making it easy for whomever wore the heavy , black work boots to believe he wasn 't home . The boot man had rummaged through the - - He fumed . Mr . Boldt . The owner of the cement plant and most of the town . No one really knew him these days . He lived in Chicago , everyone said , moved up there years ago . His father had known him . " Where is it ? " he growled . " I want it back . " " Shut up ! Just shut up ! " If he got off Carlo , how could he be sure he 'd get out if here alive ? And where would he go ? " Where 's the gun ? " he screamed , pressing again on Carlo 's neck . He reached down and patted Carlo 's waist and heels , making sure the gun wasn 't on him . Then he fished in Carlo 's front pockets and took out his keys and his phone . " I 'm taking that fucking gun , Carlo . I don 't trust you . It 's over with us , dude . How could you help him do this to me ? How could you steal everything I have left ? " " I don 't know if I can make it to the car , man . Call 911 , dude . I 'm hurt . You cracked my fucking skull , asshole . " " That 's your problem , man . " He jabbed the broom handle again , for emphasis . " You took everything I have left , Carlo . I 'm getting my shit back and then I 'm gone . I 'm so sick of this fucking town , all of you . " " You don 't want to fuck with him , Danny . Forget it . Get away . He 'll kill you , man . He 'll probably kill me now , too . " He thought again for a minute , and then said . " If I see you come out before I leave I 'll fucking shoot you with your own gun , Carlo . I mean it . You stay here for ten minutes and then so whatever you want . Goodbye . " Rising , he kicked Carlo hard in the ribs for emphasis and then ran in flopping socks across the damp concrete toward the exit . He didn 't look back . When he got to his boots , he grabbed them , stumbled around pulling them on , and ran to the ugly Sedan . Fumbling nervously with the keys , he opened the door , threw the keys on the passenger seat , and grasped around until he felt the cool metal of the gun . Pulling it out , he looked to see if the safety was on , but didn 't know enough about it to tell . He held it out away from his body , finger well away from the trigger , as he scrambled through the hole in the fence and found his way through the brush back to his truck . As he peeled away , he dialed 911 , a last gesture for a now dead forty year friendship . " You look like shit , Danny , " Laurie said through the still closed screen door . " I mean , like , more than usual . " Her demeanor made it clear that she wasn 't inviting him in . She had gotten the old dirt bike in the divorce , even though she hadn 't really wanted it . When she remarried she gave it to her stepson , who never rode it . " I 'll tune it up for him before I bring it back , " he lied again . " Three nights without coming to the bar , " she said . " That 's , like , a record , isn 't it ? I know you 're not on the wagon , so what 's up ? " " Rough couple of days like I said , babe , " he answered , feeling the burning in his stomach he got whenever she skewered him , especially when she was right , which seemed to be always . " Come on . I really need it . " He wanted to just walk away , but he was sure Carlo had reported him to the cops . He couldn 't risk driving the truck . He needed the bike . " Please , " he said , unable to look her in the eye . She regarded him coolly for a minute , saying nothing , before reaching for the hook beside the door and taking down a key ring with a single small key on it . She opened the door as little as possible and held it out for him . " If you wreck it , you fix it , " she said . He took the key from her and started to say , " Thanks , " but the door was closed before the word came out . He left the porch and headed for the backyard where he knew the bike was leaning against the toolshed under the torn , black cover he 'd bought years ago . As he threw back the plastic and started wheeling the bike into the driveway to begin the still - familiar ritual of getting it running , he winced in the memory of the days after Tres , his nickname for their son , Danny III , had died . He hadn 't handled it well . Neither had Laurie , but he hadn 't been there for her . He disappeared into a whiskey bottle and hadn 't found his way out yet . By the time she 'd had enough , she was gone three days before he even came home to notice . After a few minutes and some gas from the can in the shed , he got the bike running . He didn 't usually wear the helmet , but he decided he might need the disguise , so he picked it up from the ground beside the discarded cover , brushed it off and put it on . It smelled strongly of mildew . He straddled the bike , revved it , popped the clutch and tore away , leaving a black streak down the driveway . On purpose . It felt good to be on the bike again , speeding along the same streets he had ridden so many times as a young trouble maker when he was Little Danny to everyone in town . He cruised past Jasper Park on Central , whose grass he and Tony had torn up on this very bike numerous times , and then up around Brookman Cemetery , where he had stood with almost half the town less than a month ago as they bid farewell to Big Danny , though he wasn 't nearly so big by the end , wasting away in dementia at Dove Haven Nursing Care , though he still cast a shadow Little Danny felt he would never get out from under . " Your father was a great man , Danny , " people told him more times that he could count that day , and he would smile and thank them and wish it didn 't sound like an accusation to him . He sped up a little past the tombstones and iron gate , wondering what he should do next . He thought about dropping by to see Sheriff Maloney , his father ' oldest and best friend , to ask him more about what he knew . " Mr . Boldt is in town , Danny , " he 'd said . " It wouldn 't surprise me if he knows something about this . " But he hadn 't offered to help . Everyone knew the City Council was afraid of Boldt , and the sheriff was subject to them . " What did Big Dan ever tell you about Boldt ? " he 'd asked . Nothing . That 's what he told him and that was the truth . He only knew about Boldt like everyone else in town , through rumors and echoes of infamy . But , he decided going to the sheriff would be a mistake . He might be a wanted man . Maybe he would see if he could slip into the football club house at the high school and catch a shower . He doubted they had fixed the old door that he 'd known how to jimmy for more than twenty years . As he turned the bike off Central and onto Main , however , his heart skipped a beat when he saw the Black Cadillac in the parking lot of the Wilson Inn . He parked the bike behind the old strip motel , the only one in town , and walked to the corner of the row of rooms to peek around the corner and watch the SUV for a minute . No one came in or out of any of the adjacent rooms . The parking lot was pretty empty . There was a light blue Lincoln Town Car parked beside the SUV near the middle of the row of rooms , and a couple of pickups at the far end . The curtains were drawn on all the rooms , thankfully . He steeled his nerves and began walking as nonchalantly as he could toward the Cadillac . No one came out , but , when he got to the SUV , the windows were too dark to see into . Was this the right SUV ? He couldn 't remember seeing a car like this in town before . What were the chances more than one visitor was driving this car ? And there was fresh mud on the fenders , as there would be driving the dirt road near the plant . He retreated back behind the building to think . What he really wanted most was to get his money and leave town . Right ? Was that right ? The thought of losing the pictures of Tres made him feel sick to his stomach . And , what about the answers ? What was this about ? Carlo had said something about papers . He had never looked at his father 's papers . His father had worked for years , before he got sick , at the cement plant as a floor worker and then as a foreman . He had never been a man with much going on . He worked . He drank most evenings . He was active at the Catholic Church . He was not someone you would imagine having papers that anyone would care about . All he left behind when he died was debt . Mr . Boldt wasn 't the type to want the small bit of money Danny had set aside since his decline . What was it about ? He had to ask himself what he was really looking for . Maybe he should just get in his truck and leave . Did those couple I thousand dollars really matter ? Where would he go ? What would he do ? What would a couple thousand really buy him ? But , in the end , it was his interminable rebellion that got to him . Why should Boldt be allowed to take whatever he wanted ? Wh - - Seeing the pistol , he peeled the bike around as fast as he could and headed the other direction , pulling over close to the wall of the hotel hoping to block the man 's line of sight with the small dumpster beside which he 'd parked his bike . He winced in fear at the thought of a bullet , but he didn 't look back . The path in front of him was blocked by a chain link fence , so he turned sharply to the left , barely avoiding a collision with the fence , and sped down the narrow alley behind the perpendicular row of motel rooms . At the end of the alley he looked left quickly and was relieved to see that traffic was light on Main . Turning sharply to the right , he opened the throttle wide and tore away from the motel toward the edge of town . In the one small mirror mounted on the handlebars he saw the SUV screech out onto Main behind him to give chase and his heart rose into his throat . He had never seen the big man before . It certainly wasn 't Mr . Boldt . Up ahead he saw the turn for Farm to Market Road 870 just past the Marathon station on the left . He veered left into the fun lane and , without slowing , careened onto 870 . His mind raced , trying to decide where to go . 870 might have been a mistake . The SUV could probably outrun the small bike on the long straightaway . His eyes darted back and forth from the road ahead to the small mirror , hoping the big man hadn 't seen him and the SUV would drive by and not turn , but his bad luck was holding and the black Cadillac sped through the intersection and fell in behind him , maybe a quarter of a mile back . He reached back with his brake hand to make sure the lockbox was secure in the bungee cord he had used to quickly secure it to the back of the seat . A glance in the mirror told him the SUV was gaining quickly . He looked ahead and saw the tree line of the woods around the Lake , and suddenly remembered the dirt path that led toward Wildcat Canyon just past the start if the tree line . He tried to crank the throttle back even farther , but it was already open wide . The trees were about - - He 'd been walking for almost four hours and had finally stopped cussing aloud to no one about the bent wheel on the bike . He hadn 't seen the huge tree root until it was too late . In the end , though he hated having to walk out , he was just glad he hadn 't hurt more than his finger in the rough landing . He held it up again . More swollen . Purple . Wrong angle . Broken for sure . But he had his cash in his pocket and his dad 's papers tucked into the back of his pants . He would get to his truck and get out of town . He 'd hated leaving the lockbox with Tres 's pictures behind , but he 'd hidden it pretty well in a deadfall far from the bike . He didn 't think anyone would find it . He would come back for it someday , after things blew over . The edge of the tree line wasn 't far ahead , and he was glad to see that he had navigated well . He was on the east edge of town , where the woods wrapped up close behind the crappy frame houses and taverns that made up " Easton , " the wrong side of the tracks where he lived and caroused these days . His truck was hidden behind the burned out Philips place less than three blocks away . As he came to the tree line , though , he spotted the back door of his favorite haunt and decided to make one last visit there before splitting . It was late evening by now and Laurie would certainly be there behind the bar . She loved the place . It was her bar . Her husband , Tom , had bought it for her a few years back . The former owner had loved the place , too , but had gone through a breakdown of sorts several years ago and had run the place into the ground . In the end , he 'd ended up having to put the place on the block to pay creditors . Mr . Boldt had made a bid to buy the place , but the town rallied to stop him when he submitted permits to open the place as a strip club . Then Tom , who owned the cafe on the square , bought the place with a couple of local businessmen and gave it to Laurie . As he remembered it , he was glad she 'd ended up with it . She 'd worked there for years and loved the place even then . It was where they 'd He knew the back door would be unlocked . He slipped in and closed the door behind him as softly as he could , though it still had that loud creak and attracted the attention of Dave from his normal spot at the sink of glasses . He reached for the papers tucked into his pants and drew them out . " Some people broke into my house and stole these papers . I got them back , but I don 't know what they are or why anyone would want them . " He held them out to Laurie , who looked at them like they were dirty and didn 't take them . " Tom 's good with legal stuff . Can you ask him to look at them for me ? " Still she just stared at him . He forced himself to look her in the eye . " Please ? " " Okay . I 'll ask him . But he 's very busy . You 're fired , by the way . He said I should tell you if I saw you . " A week in the city had passed and he still hadn 't found work . It was nine o ' clock when he finally found a parking place in front of the dingy , smoky Irish pub he had made his new hangout . His money would last at least a few more weeks at this rate , but sitting in the shabby hotel all day calling uninterested employers was making him bored and restless . He hadn 't called Laurie for a couple of days to see what Tom might have found out . Last time he called she said Tom had looked at the papers a bit but was very busy and might not have time to look at them more until this weekend . He walked into the dim place and took a seat near the end of the bar as far from the door as possible and the bartender poured him a double Tullamore Dew , neat , and a glass of water , without asking or saying hello , having learned that he wasn 't much for talking . He drank the first one pretty quickly , wishing he had a cigarette , but he didn 't want to start that old , expensive habit up again he always wanted a cigarette when he was drinking . Back at home he would sometimes bum one , but he didn 't know anyone here well enough . The bartender poured him another without a word and he took the first sip , wishing he had something besides nothing to think about . He thought of the quick grave in the backyard he had dug for Black before he left , how putrid his rain - damp body had been beneath the tarp in the backyard when he 'd dumped him , wrapped in the same tarp , into the too - shallow hole . He wished he had been present enough to have buried him before he had left the house in a confused panic after the break - in . But , regrets didn 't accomplish much , he supposed . He 'd had too many over the past few years and they had gotten him nowhere . He turned to see Sheriff Maloney . He knew it was him before he saw him , and his mind raced , wondering if he should flee . " Sheriff ? " he said , unsure what to do . He imagined the Sheriff arresting him for assaulting Carlo . Or for breaking into the Cadillac . He looked at him , confused for a minute , and finally asked , " How did you find me ? " " Tom came to talk to me , " his dad 's old friend said , taking a seat , uninvited , in the empty stool to the left . " So I put out an APB on your tags . They called me yesterday and said you would be here . " He tried to process that . It made sense , he figured , that Carlo and the other man hadn 't gone to law enforcement . They had plenty to hide themselves . " Talk about what ? " he asked . The Sheriff had thought he should come back with him in his squad car after hearing about the incident at the motel , but he decided to wait until the next morning and come back on his own . He agreed to come see the Sheriff first thing when he got to town . The Sheriff hadn 't told him many details , just that Mr . Boldt wanted to see him and had an offer to make him . The Sheriff would guarantee his safety . So , after sleeping off the whiskey he had drunk after the Sheriff left the night before , he woke up late in the morning , checked out of the shabby hotel , and made the three hour drive back to the town he thought he had left behind . He came in the long way , past the lake , and stopped at the Quickway near the campgrounds to get coffee , his eyes peeled as he got close for the black Cadillac . As he walked out the door of the gas station , he decided to give Laurie a call from the pay phone before going to see the Sheriff . He wasn 't sure what he would say , but he wanted to let her know he was back . " I 've done a lot of looking at those papers , Danny . I need to talk to you about them . You need to know what they say . " He sighed , not wanting to be bothered with Tom or Laurie . She would hound him about the bike . He would hound him about disappearing from work . " I 'll come by , as soon as I can . " he said . He sighed audibly . He wanted to just turn around and leave town again . He was sick of this place , of who he had become to all these people . " Okay , " he agreed , though he hadn 't decided what to do . He walked through the open screen and door into Tom 's and Laurie 's living room . Laurie wasn 't there , but Jack Darvish was sitting on the couch . Jack was a local politician of some kind . He 'd gone to school with Jack 's older brother , Clint . Clint had been a baseball player , too . Jack was several years younger and had always been more of a brain than a jock . He 'd never really liked him . " Oh . Clint 's good . He 's working at the plant still . He and Tracy just had their fourth , a girl . They named her Gwen . " He wanted to leave , but he just paused a minute and then sat in the overstuffed chair near the door . It wasn 't comfortable . " What 's up ? " he asked . Not much , he thought . " She left dad when I was pretty young . I don 't really remember her . " It wasn 't true . He always remembered her . He remembered a green dress , and singing , and a white necklace on a gold chain . It had a woman 's face on it . " Right , " Jack said . " Well , Dietrich Boldt had run the plant for your grandfather , Padraig Breen for several years . Your mother , Rose , had an affair with him and left your father . " Jack glanced at Tom again . " Well , that 's the thing , " he said . " The date on it is less than four months before she died , long after the will that gave Dietrich Boldt ownership He blinked and looked at them , unable to process what they were implying . Some part of him understood , but he couldn 't align himself with the implications . He blinked at them again several times . " I was wondering if you had changed your mind , " the Sheriff said when he walked into the office . He started to sit down in the chair across the desk , but the Sheriff stood quickly . " Let 's head over there . " " Just come with me . " The Sheriff motioned him toward the door . He walked out into the hallway . The Sheriff followed him out and closed the door behind him , checking the handle to be sure it was locked . " I 'm parked out back . " He laughed . " It 's a small town , Danny . I think we 'll be fine . " Still he didn 't move from in front of the door . The Sheriff looked at him in a puzzled way for a moment longer , and then said , " He 's at St . Joseph 's . " The smell of the hospital would always remind him of the night his dad died . He hadn 't really visited the town 's small hospital much in his life . The ambulance had brought Tres here , but he was already DOA . He was dead when they picked him up . Tres died at seven years of age in his arms in the driveway of their house , his truck still running and his door still open from when he had jumped out , the sickness rising in his stomach that lingered to this day , knowing already the worst had happened . He followed the Sheriff down the hall to Room 111 . The Sheriff opened the door , but didn 't go in . He hesitated , looking at the Sheriff . " Is he alone ? " Mr . Boldt was asleep when he walked in . He stood beside the old man 's bed for a minute and regarded him . He was a big man , broad shoulders and a thick neck . His white hair was still full and looked well - groomed . He had a bushy grey moustache . The old man didn 't look unkind , but he looked formidable , even with the fading bruise of a black eye and his right arm in a cast . He 'd never seen the man before , though , like everyone in town , he 'd known the infamous name all his life . He reached out and tapped the man lightly on the left arm . The old man 's eyes snapped open and he jerked with a start , eliciting a light groan , and he cleared his throat and regarded the younger man silently for a minute , not moving . " I got into scrap with some friends , thanks to you . " The old man laughed when he said it , though doing so made him wince . " They didn 't get out unscathed , " he said , with a wink and smile . " Though I certainly got the worst of it . " The old man waved it off with a look of distaste . " I don 't prefer nicknames when men talk serious business . And it 's good that you 're not . Betting is a bad habit . Trust me on that . Nothing but grief . " " It 's an addiction , betting , Daniel . Do you know that ? I understand you might know something about addiction . " He pantomimed a sip from a glass as he said it . He smiled at that . " Very well , then , Danny . " He adjusted himself to sit taller , a maneuver that obviously caused him discomfort . " You must know that I wanted some documents that your father kept in a small safe box . " Mr . Boldt looked intently at him . " I don 't care about the money , Danny . It 's your money . I never meant to take it from you . I just wanted the papers of mine your father had . " " Well , like I said , Danny , I don 't care about the money . But I 'm willing to pay you for the papers . They are of no value to you , but they are of interest to me , and to my friends . " " I already did . They are of no value to you , but great value to me . And you have them . You could just give them to me . " He smiled at that . " They 're valuable to you , right ? I guess just giving them to you would be bad business . I wouldn 't want tone a bad businessman . " " A businessman ? Is that what you are , Daniel ? That 's not what I 've heard . I 'm a businessman . I always have been . And a good one . " " But you 've had little success in business , right ? I seem to remember something about a bar you couldn 't keep solvent some years back . Wasn 't that you ? " He liked the sound of that . He could walk away and live on that for a while . But , he decided to play it cool . " What 's the company worth ? " " The company that owns most of this town . The company you run . It must be worth a lot , right ? $ 20 , 000 seems a little low for a man like you to get put in the hospital by some thugs . " The old man paused for a long while at that . " My company is worth millions , Daniel . But that 's not what we 're talking about . We 're talking about your papers . " " Oh , " the mayor said , " I 'm sorry , Dietrich , I didn 't know you had a visitor . I hope this isn 't a bad time . I needed to talk to you . " " Jack , " the mayor said , " could you step outside with Mr . O ' Shea ? Hello , Danny . I need to speak with Mr . Boldt for a moment . Sorry to interrupt . It 's pretty urgent . " " I 'm not exactly sure , Danny . " They got to the waiting room and Jack sat in a shiny , brown leather chair . " Have a seat , Danny . You should see this , " he said , holding out a piece of light green stationery paper with handwriting on it . " It will help you understand . " He took the paper and walked over by the window . It was grey outside and drizzling . He was suddenly overcome by the desire to flee . He wanted nothing to do with these people . He had no idea what this will thing meant for him . He was tired of his life , tired of everything , tired . He missed his father . He decided that he would just go . He 'd find work . He 'd try to forget about everything . I 'm not asking you to respond . Just pass this on to our son and explain it to him . I know it might be a shock to him and to you . He will need your help . I hear he runs a little bar in town , but that won 't prepare him for this . I cannot leave my father 's company , which he loved almost as much as he loved my mother and me , to Dietrich . He 's taken to gambling and in a bad way , Danny . He will ruin it all , I know . Enclosed is my will . I 'm sending a copy of it to you , and I 've sent one to the company 's longtime attorney , Oscar Bershem , and one to Dietrich . I know he will be angry , but he has brought this on himself . I trust Oscar to work with you to make everything happen as it should . I am leaving my father 's company to our son , Daniel . Most of it , anyway . Enough that , together , you should be able to keep Dietrich from squandering it on his foolish addiction . He will get only 15 % . He has earned that much at least , I think . The rest is for Daniel . I 'm dying , Danny . I don 't know if you still have any fondness to care , but it 's cancer of the pancreas . The doctors have done all they can . I only have weeks left . It 's important to me to have this done now , while I still can . I am also enclosing my mother 's brooch . I understand that Daniel has a young son . If he never has a daughter , maybe his son can give it to his wife , or pass it on to a great granddaughter . I 'm no better a grandmother than I am a mother . I will never meet him now , I know . And why would he want to meet me ? I won 't throw around words about love for you or our son . They would sound empty , I know . I 'm sorry , Danny , for everything . I hope you have found happiness . He tried to feel something about the letter . It left him feeling hollow . He skimmed over it a second time , but there was nothing . He folded it in his hand and turned back toward Jack . He walked over and took it from Jack . Opening it , he saw something inside . He dumped it into his hand and turned the brooch over . He remembered it , a woman 's face carved in white stone of some kind on a gold chain . A lump rose in his throat , but nothing more . He remembered it . Feeling the smooth carving with his thumb , he wondered what to do next . He dropped to necklace in his jacket pocket and sank into a chair a few away from Jack . Within three minutes he was asleep . He dreamed of a necklace , a green dress , and a song to which he could almost remember the tune . " Can I go ? " He wasn 't sure why he asked the man 's permission . He stood with a groan and looked around the room for something . He wasn 't sure what . " I 'm sure they just want to hear your side of the story . The men Boldt brought to town have been under investigation by the FBI for some time . Mob ties or something . I understand you had a run in with them . They want to ask you about that . " For some reason , he felt a sudden pang of sympathy for the old man , in spite of everything . These men bothered him more than Boldt had . Mr . Boldt had been direct with him in a manner he had enjoyed , though he had no love for the man . These politicians and lawmen annoyed some part of him in ways he couldn 't explain . " I 'm going to get some coffee , " he said , and he turned and walked away quickly before the Mayor could offer to come along . He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked and recoiled a bit at the necklace . It had seemed a dream , the letter and the necklace , but it hadn 't been . It had been real . He followed the signs toward the cafeteria and turned the brooch over with his finger and thumb , rubbing the smooth stone of the carving , thinking , as always , about just walking away from all of this . He followed the lawman back through the waiting room and down the hall toward Room 111 . There was another indistinguishable FBI man waiting outside the closed door . He nodded at the first lawman and knocked , then opened the room without waiting for a response . As he entered the room he saw Mr . Boldt sitting up on the edge of the bed with blue slacks , black shoes and a white undershirt on . A nurse was helping him with his white dress shirt , his broken arm tucked inside and the other through the arm of the shirt properly . She was trying to button as much of the shirt as she could . " Well , I suspect these men will want me to tell them everything I know about my friends . And they will offer to protect me . Between you and me , I will be fine without them . I 'm not afraid of anyone . " " And your Mayor is already scrounging up rich friends to buy me out of YOUR company . I won 't go cheap , I can tell you . I owe a lot of money to my friends , and I have no plans to die a pauper . " He didn 't smile as he said that , but then , after a moment , his big smile returned . The new board of the company , made up of some longtime members from the old board and several new investors from town , had insisted that he be involved in company business . They said they couldn 't afford to have the majority owner completely unfamiliar with the operations . So , he accepted a position as co - chairman and attended the minimum number of board meetings possible . In exchange they gave him a generous salary and one demand : he had to attend AA meetings regularly . They got status reports from his sponsor . He had also made a habit of going to Monday afternoon status meetings at the cement plant , but he didn 't really pay attention most of the time . His contribution , so far , had been to veto an action item to fix the hole in the fence . " Let me be perfectly clear , " he 'd said , " as long as I own this company that hole will stay there . " When they asked why , he said the town needed that hole in the fence . He refused to say any more on the matter . " Fuck them . This is about you . Tell you what , man , " Mike said . " You go to my friend , Donna , and set it up . You do that - and I 'm gonna check with her and make sure you do - I 'll give a good report to your people . " He thought about it , but the thought didn 't appeal to him much . " I 'm just going to keep coming to the meetings , Mike . I don 't have any interest in that , but thanks . " " Look , brother , I mean this in all love ; I don 't give a shit what you 're interested in . If you don 't start making progress , I 'm going to tell those fuckers that you 're loony as hell and there 's no hope of you getting better . I mean it . " Something about those words hit him . Stuck in reverse . He didn 't know if she 'd meant it that way , but it hurt him . Stuck in reverse ever since he 'd backed out of the driveway that horrible day . His new cabin out by the lake , far enough out of town that no one got in his way , had a circle drive of crushed gravel . Stuck in reverse . He fumbled with the necklace in his pocket and thought about it . " We 're all just doing what we have to , " he said . " I might have done the same or worse in his position . " She poured water into her annoyingly dainty little glass from the clear , slender pitcher she always kept on the table . She filled the glass a million times a session . He wondered why she didn 't just get a bigger glass . " I don 't think you would have . " She set the pitcher down and flipped her stupid hair . " Did you talk to Carlo ? " Mike had insisted that he participate in the apologizing religion they had going at AA . So , he 'd made a list of people he should apologize to and had been working through it over the past couple of weeks . " Yeah . " He thought about burying Black in the backyard , the putrid smell and the cold . It hadn 't been easy . " I cracked his skull . He was trapped and scared . I apologized . He apologized . I think we 're even . " He thought about standing the morning before in Brookman Cemetery in front of his son 's little monument , a couple of places over from his father 's . He had been there many times , but that had been the first time sober , including the funeral . He remembered what he had said and how he had cried for the first time since that terrible day . " No , " he lied . He wasn 't ready to talk about all of that . " No , " he said , and it was true . He went to the pub twice a week or so and had a whiskey or two , but he hadn 't been drunk in weeks . He just didn 't want to be . The clock minute hand rolled mercifully vertical and he stood to go . " Thanks , Donna , " he said . " I have a meeting at the plant . I 'll see you Thursday . " There is a song , sung often , that I cannot sing . I cannot make out the words . The chorus is something like , " Me too . Yes , me too . I am like you . I feel that too . " Everywhere people gather in clusters to sing the song and to dance the dance and I cannot join them . One at a time they step , in no order I can discern , to the center of the circle for a verse . All around they sit or stand , smoking cigarettes or holding cocktails in perfect casual repose , and they sing the basic things of life , foundational things , the fabric . They love , it seems , the pattern of it all , and they all sing in harmony . None of them notices , it seems , the deep communion of their participation . They are simply living an organic life , touching one another as intimately as the circle allows , pulling ever closer . You cannot notice all of this and still join in , I think . Their eyes are closed as they live and your eyes are opened , observing and describing from outside , from the edge . They talk in perfect rhythm and you only measure the meter . This is me . I am like this , a wallflower on the dance floor of everywhere , the voice of a director 's commentary breaking the flow of their romantic comedy , criticizing their drama , analyzing their terror . Maybe I 'm a different sort of animal , only half human . Maybe one parent was some faithless fallen angel , condemned to write the story her fate , doomed always to notice where he was not . From time to time my human blood wants to sing or to dance , but you cannot join into the middle of the song . You have to wait until it ends . And it doesn 't end . It never , ever ends . Two beings , First and Second , met in space at the edge of a small solar system . First shared with second , in the perfect way that their kind shared , the total concept and nuance of a fascinating little blue and green planet First had been visiting for quite some time . It was covered with creatures of wood and green foliage , and other creatures that moved around all over the surface , eating other creatures to survive . Second was especially fascinated with the idea of one type of creature , a creature that built machines and contraptions and lived in complicated boxes they constructed to make themselves comfortable and protect themselves from the often hostile environment of the planet . Second was most curious that these creature seemed to communicate with one another using noises and symbols . First agreed with Second that they could not imagine there would be enough different noises and symbols to clearly communicate all the nuances and intricacies required for real sharing . First expressed to Second the suspicion that bad communication was probably the source of much conflict First had witnessed while there . As a girl she had discovered , in the woods not far from home , a flower with an eye , an actual eye , the same color as her sister 's eyes , green with a little grey . She bent to look at it and in seemed to regard her . It blinked . She talked to it , but it didn 't seem to hear , though it watched her intently . She had gone back to the place several times to visit it over the next year , until her father had been transferred to work in a city halfway across the country . She never told anyone about it , and never experienced anything else so extraordinary in her life . Now , years later , she was parked at the edge of the woods . As a rational adult , she was puzzled by the memory . Funny how she had just accepted it . Funny how she had gone for long periods of time without thinking about it , only to remember it again once in a while , wondering what it was , how it came to be there , if it were there still . As she approached the place , the woods having changed surprisingly little over the years , she stopped suddenly at the sound of a little voice . She ducked behind a tree and glanced around to see a young girl crouched , talking to something in front of her . She couldn 't make out the words . She wondered who the girl was , what her life was like . She watched her for several minutes before turning back toward her car . I feel perfectly aware . Heightened , even . It confuses me , therefore , that there isn 't more pain . I wrapped the wounds - god , they are deep - and stopped most of the heavy bleeding . The gut wound is a mess . I couldn 't really wrap it , so I just , sort of , stuffed it . It 's all I can do for now , so I don 't want to look at it or think about it anymore . Maybe I 'm going into shock . Maybe this is what shock feels like . It seems like there should be more pain . It 's completely dark now and there 's no one around the lakeshore area . The tourists and workers are gone . The little open - air bar and grill is packed up and closed . All of my friends are gone . Dead . All but Andre , and he 's in this cabin . I saw him slip in here and he doesn 't know I saw . That 's the only advantage I have . He 's got that machete , and it 's sharp . Thinking about it makes my gut pulse with remembered pain . I 've just got this baseball bat and pocket knife . I 'll have to use the element of surprise . I 'm on the porch pressed to the wall beside the front door . My breathing is completely silent now . I cannot hear Andre moving around anymore . Has he gone to sleep ? Surely he couldn 't sleep after all of this . He might be wounded . I got a few good punches in before he really hacked into me . He probably thinks I 'm dead . I 'm going to die . I think it 's inevitable now . Why isn 't there more pain ? Is this shock ? I don 't feel light - headed . Perfectly aware . Heightened . If I 'm going to die , he is too . There 's no light coming out through the window . No sound . I know he 's in there . I saw him slip in . Sliding over quietly to the edge of the window , I crouch down . I want to peek in , but , if he 's watching the window , he 'll see . It 's dark out here , though . No moon . I risk a peek , but it 's no good . I cannot see anything . Steps ! He 's walking around . I crouch out of the window and slide back over beside the door . Is he coming out ? Did he see me ? I tense up and pain shoots through my wounds , making me wince . I have to get the jump on him . I hold the bat up at the ready . He 's not going to get the better of me again . I didn 't hear him coming earlier . He hit me with this damned bat and got the machete from me . He sliced me up pretty good . He probably thought I was dead , but he 's never killed anyone before . In the trajectory of this planet through space - time from violent birth to violent death we enjoy this season during which the innumerable environmental variables are temporarily hospitable to life such as us . The complex motion of this planet has turned me away from the nearby star we orbit , blocking the relentless radiation of heat and light so that I could , were I so inclined , step out into the cool shadow we call night and see other more distant stars filling the sky . But instead I am hiding inside the box I call a house , nestled in this soft bed , blinking into the artificial light of this bright phone , tapping into it symbols that attempt to capture my pondering such an accord I share with the spheres . And it 's like that with us , too . From violent birth to violent death , orbiting each other through cycles of light and dark . Turning toward you is warm and bright , blinding me to all the lesser stars . Ride this rolling world with me . Lets make the most of this season we have , temporarily hospitable to life . Reaching out for you , I would pull you close and watch the entire metaphor collapse into sensual singularity under the cover of these warm blankets . The universe is expanding and cooling . Quick , let 's make love while there 's still time . She plays outside with him whatever the weather , sometimes in yesterday 's hair , sometimes in shiny , fancy regalia . When the money is short , she buys him the handful of foods he will eat and forages for herself . She does all this because he is more than other people understand to her . He is the other half of her soul . He showed up to take care of her just in time . Sometimes he plays nearby and she rakes the shoreline , washes the clothes , mops the kitchen . But he is never far from her thoughts . They ride scooters . They draw pictures on the sidewalk . She knows how to make him laugh like no one else . She wrestles him sleepy . She makes him Poptarts ( the tops only ) and sees him to school . She celebrates hooky days when she senses the changing weather is frazzling his nerves . She doesn 't care anymore if you understand them . She has given up on most of us ever getting it . They get each other . They deserve each other . Figure it out if you can . They don 't have time to explain . Too many adventures await . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . Later . Love . She prefers the mild winter or fall because she loves the way she looks and feels with high black boots hugging her legs and the swish and sway of long , light jackets or sweaters . Her best friend has long , full , dark hair that hangs around her face and shoulders like mystery and seduction so beautifully she almost falls in love with her friend on a regular basis and she thinks she would love to grow her hair out like that , a warm cover of cascading beauty , but she always keeps her hair cropped close in pixie - short cuts that leave her slender neck for showing the scarves she loves too much , she thinks , the scarves she owns in questionable numbers , she often feels , bright and light and billowy . Her favorite day is walking blustery sidewalks alone from shops to cafes to boutiques , one or two small bags , no great burden , with some new , lively treasures . Her favorite feeling is words , just a few , with some new stranger . She always tries to put love and praise into what she says . She never wants to discourage or hurt the way they did to her for all that time , long behind , in dingy , smokey rent houses she never lets herself remember . She wants to see eyes light up or smiles , always from a distance , a few feet away , not close enough to touch , to hurt . At night she lies alone and listens to the endless stream of music recommended for her by sweet , innocent Leo . She doesn 't like it or dislike it , she just wants to hear it , to feel it , like sheets on her sensitive skin . People see her on the sidewalk and smile . Her friend loves the feeling of her fingers playing forgetfully in her long , dark hair as they talk of the easy nothing much that happens each day . Leo loves her but will never let her know . She falls asleep and dreams of floating naked in a warm , bottomless sea . Love songs whisper her far away . I was a little surprised to see an octopus sitting at the bar , to be honest with you , but I acted cool about it . I try to be open minded , you know ? I just took my normal seat - two stools over from the large cephalopod - and ordered my usual , Glenfiddich , neat . I sat there quietly , looking at my phone a little and humming along to the music . I glanced over to see if it was talking to me , realizing quickly that I was too unfamiliar with octopus anatomy to tell for sure . " What 's that ? " I asked casually . We sat there for a few minutes in silence . I sipped my drink . It picked up its beer with a tentacle and pulled it into some hole and drank it , I can only assume . " Truth is , it has been a bit of a tough day . " I said after a minute . I waited for a response , but It didn 't reply or turn toward me . It just turned slightly orange and reached for another beer . There 's a road at the edge of town that only a few of us know and if you take it your sorrows and your fears and all your weary years cannot come with you . At the end of the road is a swimming hole , clear and deeper than anyone knows . By the time you get there you 're a kid again , bewildered and excited in your swimming suit . It 's always a hot summer day . The water is always cool but not cold . When you jump in you don 't have to hold your breath or close your eyes . You can laugh under the water . You don 't have to come up until you want to , maybe to lie on your towel on the bank in the sun and dry off . Every touch and every look is innocent there . You might lie beside a girl or a boy . If you kiss or hold hands , it 's only sweet and simple and fleeting . You might just talk or stare up at the clouds . You might , once you 're dry , look for fossils or shells or dive back in the bottomless pool . It 's light all the way down , and full of wonders . However long you stay , you 're never late getting back . I know where this road is . What do you say ? I dreamed an old dream I 've not dreamt for some time that I was the one responsible for shaping the clouds so that they looked like animals to children staring up from below . It 's an important job , and difficult , though incredibly rewarding . I wish I could do that job in waking life , but I don 't know how to apply . It 's my dream job . He preferred to listen to the radio as he drove , but there was nothing in this part of West Texas but country stations and Mexican radio , so he was sitting in prickly silence except for the wind noise , which was considerable since the AC in this jalopy sedan didn 't work and , although it was an early October afternoon , it was 92 degrees . Sweat dripped from the back of his hair down his neck . Out of muscle habit he tried to swig from the beer bottle that had been dry for more than two hours . Still empty . The outside air was gritty and arid . He started to hum the guitar riff from " Smoke on the Water " and tap his hand to the remembered rhythm on the warm metal of the car door just outside the window . She was asleep in the backseat , angry , or at least she had been when she 'd climbed over the front seat back there and turned away from him . He was taking her to pack her things from her parents ' house in Truth or Consequences , New Mexico , but now he suspected she had had enough of him . Probably she would just get out the car and he would drive away . He wondered how he could persuade her to stay , what justification he could offer for his many offenses . He couldn 't think of any . He 'd never been able to . Maybe they were unjustified after all . He 'd always assumed some code of justice drove him , made his iniquities understandable , but he doubted it now . It was sobering , like this long dry road , this empty beer bottle , this barren country with no rock music and not another car for as long as he could remember . Years later , when she finally left him , he would think back to this drive and wonder why she 'd stayed all that time . Every morning , however she feels , she packs a modest lunch from home , because she has learned that the ritual discipline of small practicalities builds , bit by bit , the quality of life she had no hope for when she was out there , her life on fire , out of control . She trusts people slowly now , especially men , but she is more sure of the ones who make it through , open and real with them . Sometimes she is gripped with sudden residual dread and she has to remind herself that danger is less likely now , that some worries no longer apply , however real the phantom grip clawing at her chest . Even if there is money and someone invites her for lunch out , she almost always politely declines . A humble lunch , packed herself , is a breath of wellness in her day . It gives her just a little more pride . And hope . At the place where the copse - tangled creek - deceptively untamed for the urban neighborhood through which it meandered - passed under the busy boulevard , he trekked through what he was tempted to call a culvert , though in fact it was technically a bridge . Walking on the lower edge of the ramp of concrete he was able , just barely , to pass through upright without stepping in the muddy , mossy water or banging his head on the concrete roadbed that trembled overhead with the motion of passing cars . Near the far side he saw that someone had spray - painted " skate " on the bridge support in angular , graffiti script , black with a red outline . A few yards farther ahead an overturned shopping cart in the creek bed was rusting badly and gathering quite a mound of moss as the water passed through . He enjoyed walking these city creeks for some reason . They made him feel in touch with something primitive or organic . They relaxed him . It 's funny how little it takes . A few feet on either side can be like another world . Twenty feet away there 's an office park , but somehow he 's exploring the uncharted wilderness . Hello , friends . I trust you 're well . Later . Love . If someone asked you the question , " What do you want ? " could you answer it ? Do you know what you want ? Because I don 't . Well , I might . I asked myself , and I didn 't know . I really didn 't . For the past twenty - one years , you see , I was along for the ride with a competent , intelligent ( and beautiful ) woman who had a plan for what we wanted out of life and I didn 't know all the details but I was happy to just go with it because she was smarter and she had ideas and I really hadn 't thought about it . But then she got cancer and then she died . And now I feel like all the momentum she built up is dissipating and I 'm coasting to a stop , which isn 't good . I 'm only 41 years old , after all . I plan to live to be 200 ( at least ) , so 94 % of my life is still in front of me . ( I think . I 'm no math expert . ) So now I have to decide what I want in life . And I don 't know . But I 've been thinking about it and I 'm starting to get some ideas . I want my children to grow and develop independent , autonomous lives , so that their potential to thrive is not bounded by mine , so that they can continue to thrive after my inevitable death , and so that I can enjoy , once they 're grown , an independent , autonomous life that I have never known . Regarding material possessions I want a life that is small and simple enough that I can fully inhabit it , that I can fully understand it , that I can afford it without extravagances of money , that I can use and care for it properly , consisting of things characterized by efficacy , sustainability , reliability and beauty . I want to continue learning all my life , focusing on knowledge , skill and wisdom that increases the happiness and well - being of everyone in my life , including me . I want to pass my days in a healthy balance of working , spending time alone in self - improvement and relaxation and spending time with other people in love , service , fun and peace . That 's what I 've got so far . And I know I need more , and I need specifics , but it 's a start . I 'm okay with it . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . LatePosted by scott at 17 : 43 in bloggy , thoughts | Permalink Does someone wonder where you are , when you aren 't there ? Does someone wish you were here ? Sometimes it 's nice to disappear , I guess . But when you 're out for days , for months , and no one ever calls to ask , " Where are you ? Won 't you please come here ? " you get that awful , endless howling . No one 's going to call . No one wonders where you are . There 's nowhere you 're expected . You 're completely free . Like a stray dog is free to fend . Like an abandoned farmhouse is free to fall . A forgotten name someone used to know . |
All this lockstep , clockwork , digitally rigid machination does not suit us . We are animals , and even that is too precise . We are a chemical accident , a maelstrom of chaotic coincidence of physics that has culminated in a complicated cooperation of particles we have come to describe as biology , life . Somehow our particular makeup has arranged itself ephemerally into a construct that has allowed thought , metaphysics , imagination , dreams to exist in the artificial space we think of us our mind , our soul . But all our absolutes are illusions . Years get longer and shorter with every terrestrial tremor . One day the sun will wink out , but we 'll be long gone by then , and nothing will remember that we once believed men should only love women , days lasted 24 hours ( what the fuck is an hour ? ) , this thin crust of hard material surfing on the molten core of our planet was a firmament . In the meantime , these bodies and this entirely inexplicable new thing that is our human mind worries itself over what might be forever true , as if anything is . I am glad for a lack of perspective that leads me to experience this tiny blip of what the universe considers real duration as a long life . I want to experience as much of this artifice carved out of physical reality with you as I can . Let 's not worry about something as temporary and abstract as tomorrow , yesterday , forever , should , ought , proper . Burn the seconds away with me and let 's enjoy whatever the hell this is . What is a kiss in the scope of everything ? Who cares ? In the scope of this human moment , it is bliss and pleasure , concepts the atoms couldn 't recreate in all the aeons they have to try . This is a story I 've been posting in chapters on Facebook for the past few weeks . I wrote it all on my iPhone while hanging out at a few places , so there are probably typos . In the end , though I made it up as I went along , I like it . I hope you do , too . Hello , friends . The camper shell was not perfectly watertight , but he had parked on a slight uphill , so most of the intruding rain had found its way out through the troughs of the ridged pickup truck bed and he woke up lying in a general dampness rather than a pool of cold water . The old red toolbox was poking into the small of his back , a discomfort he would feel for a couple of days . The rolled jacket had proved a surprisingly effective pillow , and he was relieved to feel as though he had slept more soundly under the constant crinkling if the dirty blue tarp than he had imagined possible . A constant patter on the roof registered through his foggy waking stupor that the rain , though gentler , had not stopped . He opened his eyes to the cold dimness that told him it wasn 't long after dawn , but he closed them again and decided to lie still for a while longer before scrambling out of the junky shelter and back up front to continue his work . Thoughts flooded his mind from the day before , facts that had straightened and connected somehow in the cogitation of sleep into a more coherent plan for where to start the day , much clearer than the exhausted confusion of his late night surrender to the inevitability of sleeping for the first time in a few troubled days . He knew where he had to go next , the cement plant . It was the only connection that tied Carlo to the enigmatic Mr . Boldt . If he were going to get back what belonged to him and leave this fucking town behind for good , some part of him knew he would find the way forward at the cement plant . He had to be careful . He didn 't know what these people were into , and he didn 't want to know . He just wanted what was his and he wanted out . The rain picked up as he lay there building the resolve to make the next move . He listened to his breath and started stretching his aching muscles in preparation for arising . It had to be today . He had to make it happen . And he had to pee , so he threw off the tarp and sat up with a groan . He didn 't know who drove the big , shiny , black Cadillac SUV he watched from where he was hiding in the underbrush near the off - road thicket where he had parked his truck a few hundred yards from the cement plant . The Cadillac had barreled past him down the dirt road leaving the plant , the windows all tinted pitch black so he couldn 't see the driver or whether there were passengers . He knew well , however , the old green sedan parked beside the giant mound of grey , broken rock at the base of the conveyor belt that climbed way up to the top of the elevator silo of the plant . Carlo had inherited the ugly car from his brother several years ago , his brother having inherited it from their father years before that . Having never worked at the cement plant - having avoided it at all costs even though almost everyone in town , including his own father , had worked there - he didn 't know what all the large contraptions and machines inside were called or what they did , but he knew the plant layout well . Everyone who had passed their teen years in the town knew the hole in the fence , the dangerous thrill of climbing the conveyor belt , the best places to hide out in the late night gloom and drink a clandestine six pack or smoke a joint . The concrete floors were damp and made loud squeaking noises with off the rubber soles of his worn hiking boots , so he had left them near the back entrance and was creeping in filthy wet socks as quietly as he could back toward the open door near the back wall , the only one from which yellowish light shone out into the dim murk of the cavernous plant . As he got close to the light , he could hear someone shuffling around in the bright room . He flattened himself against the wall beside the door and gripped the handle he had unscrewed from a wide broom leaning in the corner near the entrance . He tried to breathe quietly , to steel his will to incapacitate as effectively as possible anyone emerging from the room , hoping it was Carlo and not some innocent weekend worker . The light went out , and his heart - - The impact was sickeningly violent as he struck the wooden broom handle directly into the man 's gut , and the pain and shock of the noise the manmade doubling over sent visceral shivers of aversion through his body . It was Carlo , to be sure . In spite of a wave of pity , he raised the handle high overhead and brought it down viscously again on the back of Carlo 's head . The handle splintered in two and the other half clattered loudly away across the concrete plant floor as Carlos fell in a heap , face down , onto the floor . Quickly he knelt down on Carlo 's back , pressing hard with both knees , and pushed the splintered end of the half broom handle firmly to the back of Carlo 's neck . " Don 't fucking move , Carlo ! " he growled through gritted teeth , all the anger flooding back to him as he remembered that night three days ago , waking panicked from his drunken collapse on the bedroom floor at the sound of the glass shattering out of his front door , followed quickly by the loud barking of Black , the German Shepherd his brother had dumped at his place " for a couple of days " six years earlier . Everyone knew he hated Black and hated his brother for dumping him there , since he always made a point of telling them so . Then he 'd heard the front door open and Black confronting the intruder with murderous growls and barks . As his wits had flooded back to him through his boozy haze , he 'd scrambled under the bed to grab the Louisville Slugger he always kept there , but he didn 't find it . Then had come the loud report of a handgun and the brief , loud yelp from Black , his last . Fear had gripped him then , and unexpected wave of grief for that damned dog . Sliding under the bed in fear for his life , he had laid perfectly still as heavy footsteps walked to his bedroom door and flipped on the lights . Luckily he had been too drunk to drive home again and Laurie had dropped him off , so his truck hadn 't been parked outside , making it easy for whomever wore the heavy , black work boots to believe he wasn 't home . The boot man had rummaged through the - - He fumed . Mr . Boldt . The owner of the cement plant and most of the town . No one really knew him these days . He lived in Chicago , everyone said , moved up there years ago . His father had known him . " Where is it ? " he growled . " I want it back . " " Shut up ! Just shut up ! " If he got off Carlo , how could he be sure he 'd get out if here alive ? And where would he go ? " Where 's the gun ? " he screamed , pressing again on Carlo 's neck . He reached down and patted Carlo 's waist and heels , making sure the gun wasn 't on him . Then he fished in Carlo 's front pockets and took out his keys and his phone . " I 'm taking that fucking gun , Carlo . I don 't trust you . It 's over with us , dude . How could you help him do this to me ? How could you steal everything I have left ? " " I don 't know if I can make it to the car , man . Call 911 , dude . I 'm hurt . You cracked my fucking skull , asshole . " " That 's your problem , man . " He jabbed the broom handle again , for emphasis . " You took everything I have left , Carlo . I 'm getting my shit back and then I 'm gone . I 'm so sick of this fucking town , all of you . " " You don 't want to fuck with him , Danny . Forget it . Get away . He 'll kill you , man . He 'll probably kill me now , too . " He thought again for a minute , and then said . " If I see you come out before I leave I 'll fucking shoot you with your own gun , Carlo . I mean it . You stay here for ten minutes and then so whatever you want . Goodbye . " Rising , he kicked Carlo hard in the ribs for emphasis and then ran in flopping socks across the damp concrete toward the exit . He didn 't look back . When he got to his boots , he grabbed them , stumbled around pulling them on , and ran to the ugly Sedan . Fumbling nervously with the keys , he opened the door , threw the keys on the passenger seat , and grasped around until he felt the cool metal of the gun . Pulling it out , he looked to see if the safety was on , but didn 't know enough about it to tell . He held it out away from his body , finger well away from the trigger , as he scrambled through the hole in the fence and found his way through the brush back to his truck . As he peeled away , he dialed 911 , a last gesture for a now dead forty year friendship . " You look like shit , Danny , " Laurie said through the still closed screen door . " I mean , like , more than usual . " Her demeanor made it clear that she wasn 't inviting him in . She had gotten the old dirt bike in the divorce , even though she hadn 't really wanted it . When she remarried she gave it to her stepson , who never rode it . " I 'll tune it up for him before I bring it back , " he lied again . " Three nights without coming to the bar , " she said . " That 's , like , a record , isn 't it ? I know you 're not on the wagon , so what 's up ? " " Rough couple of days like I said , babe , " he answered , feeling the burning in his stomach he got whenever she skewered him , especially when she was right , which seemed to be always . " Come on . I really need it . " He wanted to just walk away , but he was sure Carlo had reported him to the cops . He couldn 't risk driving the truck . He needed the bike . " Please , " he said , unable to look her in the eye . She regarded him coolly for a minute , saying nothing , before reaching for the hook beside the door and taking down a key ring with a single small key on it . She opened the door as little as possible and held it out for him . " If you wreck it , you fix it , " she said . He took the key from her and started to say , " Thanks , " but the door was closed before the word came out . He left the porch and headed for the backyard where he knew the bike was leaning against the toolshed under the torn , black cover he 'd bought years ago . As he threw back the plastic and started wheeling the bike into the driveway to begin the still - familiar ritual of getting it running , he winced in the memory of the days after Tres , his nickname for their son , Danny III , had died . He hadn 't handled it well . Neither had Laurie , but he hadn 't been there for her . He disappeared into a whiskey bottle and hadn 't found his way out yet . By the time she 'd had enough , she was gone three days before he even came home to notice . After a few minutes and some gas from the can in the shed , he got the bike running . He didn 't usually wear the helmet , but he decided he might need the disguise , so he picked it up from the ground beside the discarded cover , brushed it off and put it on . It smelled strongly of mildew . He straddled the bike , revved it , popped the clutch and tore away , leaving a black streak down the driveway . On purpose . It felt good to be on the bike again , speeding along the same streets he had ridden so many times as a young trouble maker when he was Little Danny to everyone in town . He cruised past Jasper Park on Central , whose grass he and Tony had torn up on this very bike numerous times , and then up around Brookman Cemetery , where he had stood with almost half the town less than a month ago as they bid farewell to Big Danny , though he wasn 't nearly so big by the end , wasting away in dementia at Dove Haven Nursing Care , though he still cast a shadow Little Danny felt he would never get out from under . " Your father was a great man , Danny , " people told him more times that he could count that day , and he would smile and thank them and wish it didn 't sound like an accusation to him . He sped up a little past the tombstones and iron gate , wondering what he should do next . He thought about dropping by to see Sheriff Maloney , his father ' oldest and best friend , to ask him more about what he knew . " Mr . Boldt is in town , Danny , " he 'd said . " It wouldn 't surprise me if he knows something about this . " But he hadn 't offered to help . Everyone knew the City Council was afraid of Boldt , and the sheriff was subject to them . " What did Big Dan ever tell you about Boldt ? " he 'd asked . Nothing . That 's what he told him and that was the truth . He only knew about Boldt like everyone else in town , through rumors and echoes of infamy . But , he decided going to the sheriff would be a mistake . He might be a wanted man . Maybe he would see if he could slip into the football club house at the high school and catch a shower . He doubted they had fixed the old door that he 'd known how to jimmy for more than twenty years . As he turned the bike off Central and onto Main , however , his heart skipped a beat when he saw the Black Cadillac in the parking lot of the Wilson Inn . He parked the bike behind the old strip motel , the only one in town , and walked to the corner of the row of rooms to peek around the corner and watch the SUV for a minute . No one came in or out of any of the adjacent rooms . The parking lot was pretty empty . There was a light blue Lincoln Town Car parked beside the SUV near the middle of the row of rooms , and a couple of pickups at the far end . The curtains were drawn on all the rooms , thankfully . He steeled his nerves and began walking as nonchalantly as he could toward the Cadillac . No one came out , but , when he got to the SUV , the windows were too dark to see into . Was this the right SUV ? He couldn 't remember seeing a car like this in town before . What were the chances more than one visitor was driving this car ? And there was fresh mud on the fenders , as there would be driving the dirt road near the plant . He retreated back behind the building to think . What he really wanted most was to get his money and leave town . Right ? Was that right ? The thought of losing the pictures of Tres made him feel sick to his stomach . And , what about the answers ? What was this about ? Carlo had said something about papers . He had never looked at his father 's papers . His father had worked for years , before he got sick , at the cement plant as a floor worker and then as a foreman . He had never been a man with much going on . He worked . He drank most evenings . He was active at the Catholic Church . He was not someone you would imagine having papers that anyone would care about . All he left behind when he died was debt . Mr . Boldt wasn 't the type to want the small bit of money Danny had set aside since his decline . What was it about ? He had to ask himself what he was really looking for . Maybe he should just get in his truck and leave . Did those couple I thousand dollars really matter ? Where would he go ? What would he do ? What would a couple thousand really buy him ? But , in the end , it was his interminable rebellion that got to him . Why should Boldt be allowed to take whatever he wanted ? Wh - - Seeing the pistol , he peeled the bike around as fast as he could and headed the other direction , pulling over close to the wall of the hotel hoping to block the man 's line of sight with the small dumpster beside which he 'd parked his bike . He winced in fear at the thought of a bullet , but he didn 't look back . The path in front of him was blocked by a chain link fence , so he turned sharply to the left , barely avoiding a collision with the fence , and sped down the narrow alley behind the perpendicular row of motel rooms . At the end of the alley he looked left quickly and was relieved to see that traffic was light on Main . Turning sharply to the right , he opened the throttle wide and tore away from the motel toward the edge of town . In the one small mirror mounted on the handlebars he saw the SUV screech out onto Main behind him to give chase and his heart rose into his throat . He had never seen the big man before . It certainly wasn 't Mr . Boldt . Up ahead he saw the turn for Farm to Market Road 870 just past the Marathon station on the left . He veered left into the fun lane and , without slowing , careened onto 870 . His mind raced , trying to decide where to go . 870 might have been a mistake . The SUV could probably outrun the small bike on the long straightaway . His eyes darted back and forth from the road ahead to the small mirror , hoping the big man hadn 't seen him and the SUV would drive by and not turn , but his bad luck was holding and the black Cadillac sped through the intersection and fell in behind him , maybe a quarter of a mile back . He reached back with his brake hand to make sure the lockbox was secure in the bungee cord he had used to quickly secure it to the back of the seat . A glance in the mirror told him the SUV was gaining quickly . He looked ahead and saw the tree line of the woods around the Lake , and suddenly remembered the dirt path that led toward Wildcat Canyon just past the start if the tree line . He tried to crank the throttle back even farther , but it was already open wide . The trees were about - - He 'd been walking for almost four hours and had finally stopped cussing aloud to no one about the bent wheel on the bike . He hadn 't seen the huge tree root until it was too late . In the end , though he hated having to walk out , he was just glad he hadn 't hurt more than his finger in the rough landing . He held it up again . More swollen . Purple . Wrong angle . Broken for sure . But he had his cash in his pocket and his dad 's papers tucked into the back of his pants . He would get to his truck and get out of town . He 'd hated leaving the lockbox with Tres 's pictures behind , but he 'd hidden it pretty well in a deadfall far from the bike . He didn 't think anyone would find it . He would come back for it someday , after things blew over . The edge of the tree line wasn 't far ahead , and he was glad to see that he had navigated well . He was on the east edge of town , where the woods wrapped up close behind the crappy frame houses and taverns that made up " Easton , " the wrong side of the tracks where he lived and caroused these days . His truck was hidden behind the burned out Philips place less than three blocks away . As he came to the tree line , though , he spotted the back door of his favorite haunt and decided to make one last visit there before splitting . It was late evening by now and Laurie would certainly be there behind the bar . She loved the place . It was her bar . Her husband , Tom , had bought it for her a few years back . The former owner had loved the place , too , but had gone through a breakdown of sorts several years ago and had run the place into the ground . In the end , he 'd ended up having to put the place on the block to pay creditors . Mr . Boldt had made a bid to buy the place , but the town rallied to stop him when he submitted permits to open the place as a strip club . Then Tom , who owned the cafe on the square , bought the place with a couple of local businessmen and gave it to Laurie . As he remembered it , he was glad she 'd ended up with it . She 'd worked there for years and loved the place even then . It was where they 'd He knew the back door would be unlocked . He slipped in and closed the door behind him as softly as he could , though it still had that loud creak and attracted the attention of Dave from his normal spot at the sink of glasses . He reached for the papers tucked into his pants and drew them out . " Some people broke into my house and stole these papers . I got them back , but I don 't know what they are or why anyone would want them . " He held them out to Laurie , who looked at them like they were dirty and didn 't take them . " Tom 's good with legal stuff . Can you ask him to look at them for me ? " Still she just stared at him . He forced himself to look her in the eye . " Please ? " " Okay . I 'll ask him . But he 's very busy . You 're fired , by the way . He said I should tell you if I saw you . " A week in the city had passed and he still hadn 't found work . It was nine o ' clock when he finally found a parking place in front of the dingy , smoky Irish pub he had made his new hangout . His money would last at least a few more weeks at this rate , but sitting in the shabby hotel all day calling uninterested employers was making him bored and restless . He hadn 't called Laurie for a couple of days to see what Tom might have found out . Last time he called she said Tom had looked at the papers a bit but was very busy and might not have time to look at them more until this weekend . He walked into the dim place and took a seat near the end of the bar as far from the door as possible and the bartender poured him a double Tullamore Dew , neat , and a glass of water , without asking or saying hello , having learned that he wasn 't much for talking . He drank the first one pretty quickly , wishing he had a cigarette , but he didn 't want to start that old , expensive habit up again he always wanted a cigarette when he was drinking . Back at home he would sometimes bum one , but he didn 't know anyone here well enough . The bartender poured him another without a word and he took the first sip , wishing he had something besides nothing to think about . He thought of the quick grave in the backyard he had dug for Black before he left , how putrid his rain - damp body had been beneath the tarp in the backyard when he 'd dumped him , wrapped in the same tarp , into the too - shallow hole . He wished he had been present enough to have buried him before he had left the house in a confused panic after the break - in . But , regrets didn 't accomplish much , he supposed . He 'd had too many over the past few years and they had gotten him nowhere . He turned to see Sheriff Maloney . He knew it was him before he saw him , and his mind raced , wondering if he should flee . " Sheriff ? " he said , unsure what to do . He imagined the Sheriff arresting him for assaulting Carlo . Or for breaking into the Cadillac . He looked at him , confused for a minute , and finally asked , " How did you find me ? " " Tom came to talk to me , " his dad 's old friend said , taking a seat , uninvited , in the empty stool to the left . " So I put out an APB on your tags . They called me yesterday and said you would be here . " He tried to process that . It made sense , he figured , that Carlo and the other man hadn 't gone to law enforcement . They had plenty to hide themselves . " Talk about what ? " he asked . The Sheriff had thought he should come back with him in his squad car after hearing about the incident at the motel , but he decided to wait until the next morning and come back on his own . He agreed to come see the Sheriff first thing when he got to town . The Sheriff hadn 't told him many details , just that Mr . Boldt wanted to see him and had an offer to make him . The Sheriff would guarantee his safety . So , after sleeping off the whiskey he had drunk after the Sheriff left the night before , he woke up late in the morning , checked out of the shabby hotel , and made the three hour drive back to the town he thought he had left behind . He came in the long way , past the lake , and stopped at the Quickway near the campgrounds to get coffee , his eyes peeled as he got close for the black Cadillac . As he walked out the door of the gas station , he decided to give Laurie a call from the pay phone before going to see the Sheriff . He wasn 't sure what he would say , but he wanted to let her know he was back . " I 've done a lot of looking at those papers , Danny . I need to talk to you about them . You need to know what they say . " He sighed , not wanting to be bothered with Tom or Laurie . She would hound him about the bike . He would hound him about disappearing from work . " I 'll come by , as soon as I can . " he said . He sighed audibly . He wanted to just turn around and leave town again . He was sick of this place , of who he had become to all these people . " Okay , " he agreed , though he hadn 't decided what to do . He walked through the open screen and door into Tom 's and Laurie 's living room . Laurie wasn 't there , but Jack Darvish was sitting on the couch . Jack was a local politician of some kind . He 'd gone to school with Jack 's older brother , Clint . Clint had been a baseball player , too . Jack was several years younger and had always been more of a brain than a jock . He 'd never really liked him . " Oh . Clint 's good . He 's working at the plant still . He and Tracy just had their fourth , a girl . They named her Gwen . " He wanted to leave , but he just paused a minute and then sat in the overstuffed chair near the door . It wasn 't comfortable . " What 's up ? " he asked . Not much , he thought . " She left dad when I was pretty young . I don 't really remember her . " It wasn 't true . He always remembered her . He remembered a green dress , and singing , and a white necklace on a gold chain . It had a woman 's face on it . " Right , " Jack said . " Well , Dietrich Boldt had run the plant for your grandfather , Padraig Breen for several years . Your mother , Rose , had an affair with him and left your father . " Jack glanced at Tom again . " Well , that 's the thing , " he said . " The date on it is less than four months before she died , long after the will that gave Dietrich Boldt ownership He blinked and looked at them , unable to process what they were implying . Some part of him understood , but he couldn 't align himself with the implications . He blinked at them again several times . " I was wondering if you had changed your mind , " the Sheriff said when he walked into the office . He started to sit down in the chair across the desk , but the Sheriff stood quickly . " Let 's head over there . " " Just come with me . " The Sheriff motioned him toward the door . He walked out into the hallway . The Sheriff followed him out and closed the door behind him , checking the handle to be sure it was locked . " I 'm parked out back . " He laughed . " It 's a small town , Danny . I think we 'll be fine . " Still he didn 't move from in front of the door . The Sheriff looked at him in a puzzled way for a moment longer , and then said , " He 's at St . Joseph 's . " The smell of the hospital would always remind him of the night his dad died . He hadn 't really visited the town 's small hospital much in his life . The ambulance had brought Tres here , but he was already DOA . He was dead when they picked him up . Tres died at seven years of age in his arms in the driveway of their house , his truck still running and his door still open from when he had jumped out , the sickness rising in his stomach that lingered to this day , knowing already the worst had happened . He followed the Sheriff down the hall to Room 111 . The Sheriff opened the door , but didn 't go in . He hesitated , looking at the Sheriff . " Is he alone ? " Mr . Boldt was asleep when he walked in . He stood beside the old man 's bed for a minute and regarded him . He was a big man , broad shoulders and a thick neck . His white hair was still full and looked well - groomed . He had a bushy grey moustache . The old man didn 't look unkind , but he looked formidable , even with the fading bruise of a black eye and his right arm in a cast . He 'd never seen the man before , though , like everyone in town , he 'd known the infamous name all his life . He reached out and tapped the man lightly on the left arm . The old man 's eyes snapped open and he jerked with a start , eliciting a light groan , and he cleared his throat and regarded the younger man silently for a minute , not moving . " I got into scrap with some friends , thanks to you . " The old man laughed when he said it , though doing so made him wince . " They didn 't get out unscathed , " he said , with a wink and smile . " Though I certainly got the worst of it . " The old man waved it off with a look of distaste . " I don 't prefer nicknames when men talk serious business . And it 's good that you 're not . Betting is a bad habit . Trust me on that . Nothing but grief . " " It 's an addiction , betting , Daniel . Do you know that ? I understand you might know something about addiction . " He pantomimed a sip from a glass as he said it . He smiled at that . " Very well , then , Danny . " He adjusted himself to sit taller , a maneuver that obviously caused him discomfort . " You must know that I wanted some documents that your father kept in a small safe box . " Mr . Boldt looked intently at him . " I don 't care about the money , Danny . It 's your money . I never meant to take it from you . I just wanted the papers of mine your father had . " " Well , like I said , Danny , I don 't care about the money . But I 'm willing to pay you for the papers . They are of no value to you , but they are of interest to me , and to my friends . " " I already did . They are of no value to you , but great value to me . And you have them . You could just give them to me . " He smiled at that . " They 're valuable to you , right ? I guess just giving them to you would be bad business . I wouldn 't want tone a bad businessman . " " A businessman ? Is that what you are , Daniel ? That 's not what I 've heard . I 'm a businessman . I always have been . And a good one . " " But you 've had little success in business , right ? I seem to remember something about a bar you couldn 't keep solvent some years back . Wasn 't that you ? " He liked the sound of that . He could walk away and live on that for a while . But , he decided to play it cool . " What 's the company worth ? " " The company that owns most of this town . The company you run . It must be worth a lot , right ? $ 20 , 000 seems a little low for a man like you to get put in the hospital by some thugs . " The old man paused for a long while at that . " My company is worth millions , Daniel . But that 's not what we 're talking about . We 're talking about your papers . " " Oh , " the mayor said , " I 'm sorry , Dietrich , I didn 't know you had a visitor . I hope this isn 't a bad time . I needed to talk to you . " " Jack , " the mayor said , " could you step outside with Mr . O ' Shea ? Hello , Danny . I need to speak with Mr . Boldt for a moment . Sorry to interrupt . It 's pretty urgent . " " I 'm not exactly sure , Danny . " They got to the waiting room and Jack sat in a shiny , brown leather chair . " Have a seat , Danny . You should see this , " he said , holding out a piece of light green stationery paper with handwriting on it . " It will help you understand . " He took the paper and walked over by the window . It was grey outside and drizzling . He was suddenly overcome by the desire to flee . He wanted nothing to do with these people . He had no idea what this will thing meant for him . He was tired of his life , tired of everything , tired . He missed his father . He decided that he would just go . He 'd find work . He 'd try to forget about everything . I 'm not asking you to respond . Just pass this on to our son and explain it to him . I know it might be a shock to him and to you . He will need your help . I hear he runs a little bar in town , but that won 't prepare him for this . I cannot leave my father 's company , which he loved almost as much as he loved my mother and me , to Dietrich . He 's taken to gambling and in a bad way , Danny . He will ruin it all , I know . Enclosed is my will . I 'm sending a copy of it to you , and I 've sent one to the company 's longtime attorney , Oscar Bershem , and one to Dietrich . I know he will be angry , but he has brought this on himself . I trust Oscar to work with you to make everything happen as it should . I am leaving my father 's company to our son , Daniel . Most of it , anyway . Enough that , together , you should be able to keep Dietrich from squandering it on his foolish addiction . He will get only 15 % . He has earned that much at least , I think . The rest is for Daniel . I 'm dying , Danny . I don 't know if you still have any fondness to care , but it 's cancer of the pancreas . The doctors have done all they can . I only have weeks left . It 's important to me to have this done now , while I still can . I am also enclosing my mother 's brooch . I understand that Daniel has a young son . If he never has a daughter , maybe his son can give it to his wife , or pass it on to a great granddaughter . I 'm no better a grandmother than I am a mother . I will never meet him now , I know . And why would he want to meet me ? I won 't throw around words about love for you or our son . They would sound empty , I know . I 'm sorry , Danny , for everything . I hope you have found happiness . He tried to feel something about the letter . It left him feeling hollow . He skimmed over it a second time , but there was nothing . He folded it in his hand and turned back toward Jack . He walked over and took it from Jack . Opening it , he saw something inside . He dumped it into his hand and turned the brooch over . He remembered it , a woman 's face carved in white stone of some kind on a gold chain . A lump rose in his throat , but nothing more . He remembered it . Feeling the smooth carving with his thumb , he wondered what to do next . He dropped to necklace in his jacket pocket and sank into a chair a few away from Jack . Within three minutes he was asleep . He dreamed of a necklace , a green dress , and a song to which he could almost remember the tune . " Can I go ? " He wasn 't sure why he asked the man 's permission . He stood with a groan and looked around the room for something . He wasn 't sure what . " I 'm sure they just want to hear your side of the story . The men Boldt brought to town have been under investigation by the FBI for some time . Mob ties or something . I understand you had a run in with them . They want to ask you about that . " For some reason , he felt a sudden pang of sympathy for the old man , in spite of everything . These men bothered him more than Boldt had . Mr . Boldt had been direct with him in a manner he had enjoyed , though he had no love for the man . These politicians and lawmen annoyed some part of him in ways he couldn 't explain . " I 'm going to get some coffee , " he said , and he turned and walked away quickly before the Mayor could offer to come along . He shoved his hands into his jacket pockets as he walked and recoiled a bit at the necklace . It had seemed a dream , the letter and the necklace , but it hadn 't been . It had been real . He followed the signs toward the cafeteria and turned the brooch over with his finger and thumb , rubbing the smooth stone of the carving , thinking , as always , about just walking away from all of this . He followed the lawman back through the waiting room and down the hall toward Room 111 . There was another indistinguishable FBI man waiting outside the closed door . He nodded at the first lawman and knocked , then opened the room without waiting for a response . As he entered the room he saw Mr . Boldt sitting up on the edge of the bed with blue slacks , black shoes and a white undershirt on . A nurse was helping him with his white dress shirt , his broken arm tucked inside and the other through the arm of the shirt properly . She was trying to button as much of the shirt as she could . " Well , I suspect these men will want me to tell them everything I know about my friends . And they will offer to protect me . Between you and me , I will be fine without them . I 'm not afraid of anyone . " " And your Mayor is already scrounging up rich friends to buy me out of YOUR company . I won 't go cheap , I can tell you . I owe a lot of money to my friends , and I have no plans to die a pauper . " He didn 't smile as he said that , but then , after a moment , his big smile returned . The new board of the company , made up of some longtime members from the old board and several new investors from town , had insisted that he be involved in company business . They said they couldn 't afford to have the majority owner completely unfamiliar with the operations . So , he accepted a position as co - chairman and attended the minimum number of board meetings possible . In exchange they gave him a generous salary and one demand : he had to attend AA meetings regularly . They got status reports from his sponsor . He had also made a habit of going to Monday afternoon status meetings at the cement plant , but he didn 't really pay attention most of the time . His contribution , so far , had been to veto an action item to fix the hole in the fence . " Let me be perfectly clear , " he 'd said , " as long as I own this company that hole will stay there . " When they asked why , he said the town needed that hole in the fence . He refused to say any more on the matter . " Fuck them . This is about you . Tell you what , man , " Mike said . " You go to my friend , Donna , and set it up . You do that - and I 'm gonna check with her and make sure you do - I 'll give a good report to your people . " He thought about it , but the thought didn 't appeal to him much . " I 'm just going to keep coming to the meetings , Mike . I don 't have any interest in that , but thanks . " " Look , brother , I mean this in all love ; I don 't give a shit what you 're interested in . If you don 't start making progress , I 'm going to tell those fuckers that you 're loony as hell and there 's no hope of you getting better . I mean it . " Something about those words hit him . Stuck in reverse . He didn 't know if she 'd meant it that way , but it hurt him . Stuck in reverse ever since he 'd backed out of the driveway that horrible day . His new cabin out by the lake , far enough out of town that no one got in his way , had a circle drive of crushed gravel . Stuck in reverse . He fumbled with the necklace in his pocket and thought about it . " We 're all just doing what we have to , " he said . " I might have done the same or worse in his position . " She poured water into her annoyingly dainty little glass from the clear , slender pitcher she always kept on the table . She filled the glass a million times a session . He wondered why she didn 't just get a bigger glass . " I don 't think you would have . " She set the pitcher down and flipped her stupid hair . " Did you talk to Carlo ? " Mike had insisted that he participate in the apologizing religion they had going at AA . So , he 'd made a list of people he should apologize to and had been working through it over the past couple of weeks . " Yeah . " He thought about burying Black in the backyard , the putrid smell and the cold . It hadn 't been easy . " I cracked his skull . He was trapped and scared . I apologized . He apologized . I think we 're even . " He thought about standing the morning before in Brookman Cemetery in front of his son 's little monument , a couple of places over from his father 's . He had been there many times , but that had been the first time sober , including the funeral . He remembered what he had said and how he had cried for the first time since that terrible day . " No , " he lied . He wasn 't ready to talk about all of that . " No , " he said , and it was true . He went to the pub twice a week or so and had a whiskey or two , but he hadn 't been drunk in weeks . He just didn 't want to be . The clock minute hand rolled mercifully vertical and he stood to go . " Thanks , Donna , " he said . " I have a meeting at the plant . I 'll see you Thursday . " There is a song , sung often , that I cannot sing . I cannot make out the words . The chorus is something like , " Me too . Yes , me too . I am like you . I feel that too . " Everywhere people gather in clusters to sing the song and to dance the dance and I cannot join them . One at a time they step , in no order I can discern , to the center of the circle for a verse . All around they sit or stand , smoking cigarettes or holding cocktails in perfect casual repose , and they sing the basic things of life , foundational things , the fabric . They love , it seems , the pattern of it all , and they all sing in harmony . None of them notices , it seems , the deep communion of their participation . They are simply living an organic life , touching one another as intimately as the circle allows , pulling ever closer . You cannot notice all of this and still join in , I think . Their eyes are closed as they live and your eyes are opened , observing and describing from outside , from the edge . They talk in perfect rhythm and you only measure the meter . This is me . I am like this , a wallflower on the dance floor of everywhere , the voice of a director 's commentary breaking the flow of their romantic comedy , criticizing their drama , analyzing their terror . Maybe I 'm a different sort of animal , only half human . Maybe one parent was some faithless fallen angel , condemned to write the story her fate , doomed always to notice where he was not . From time to time my human blood wants to sing or to dance , but you cannot join into the middle of the song . You have to wait until it ends . And it doesn 't end . It never , ever ends . Two beings , First and Second , met in space at the edge of a small solar system . First shared with second , in the perfect way that their kind shared , the total concept and nuance of a fascinating little blue and green planet First had been visiting for quite some time . It was covered with creatures of wood and green foliage , and other creatures that moved around all over the surface , eating other creatures to survive . Second was especially fascinated with the idea of one type of creature , a creature that built machines and contraptions and lived in complicated boxes they constructed to make themselves comfortable and protect themselves from the often hostile environment of the planet . Second was most curious that these creature seemed to communicate with one another using noises and symbols . First agreed with Second that they could not imagine there would be enough different noises and symbols to clearly communicate all the nuances and intricacies required for real sharing . First expressed to Second the suspicion that bad communication was probably the source of much conflict First had witnessed while there . As a girl she had discovered , in the woods not far from home , a flower with an eye , an actual eye , the same color as her sister 's eyes , green with a little grey . She bent to look at it and in seemed to regard her . It blinked . She talked to it , but it didn 't seem to hear , though it watched her intently . She had gone back to the place several times to visit it over the next year , until her father had been transferred to work in a city halfway across the country . She never told anyone about it , and never experienced anything else so extraordinary in her life . Now , years later , she was parked at the edge of the woods . As a rational adult , she was puzzled by the memory . Funny how she had just accepted it . Funny how she had gone for long periods of time without thinking about it , only to remember it again once in a while , wondering what it was , how it came to be there , if it were there still . As she approached the place , the woods having changed surprisingly little over the years , she stopped suddenly at the sound of a little voice . She ducked behind a tree and glanced around to see a young girl crouched , talking to something in front of her . She couldn 't make out the words . She wondered who the girl was , what her life was like . She watched her for several minutes before turning back toward her car . I feel perfectly aware . Heightened , even . It confuses me , therefore , that there isn 't more pain . I wrapped the wounds - god , they are deep - and stopped most of the heavy bleeding . The gut wound is a mess . I couldn 't really wrap it , so I just , sort of , stuffed it . It 's all I can do for now , so I don 't want to look at it or think about it anymore . Maybe I 'm going into shock . Maybe this is what shock feels like . It seems like there should be more pain . It 's completely dark now and there 's no one around the lakeshore area . The tourists and workers are gone . The little open - air bar and grill is packed up and closed . All of my friends are gone . Dead . All but Andre , and he 's in this cabin . I saw him slip in here and he doesn 't know I saw . That 's the only advantage I have . He 's got that machete , and it 's sharp . Thinking about it makes my gut pulse with remembered pain . I 've just got this baseball bat and pocket knife . I 'll have to use the element of surprise . I 'm on the porch pressed to the wall beside the front door . My breathing is completely silent now . I cannot hear Andre moving around anymore . Has he gone to sleep ? Surely he couldn 't sleep after all of this . He might be wounded . I got a few good punches in before he really hacked into me . He probably thinks I 'm dead . I 'm going to die . I think it 's inevitable now . Why isn 't there more pain ? Is this shock ? I don 't feel light - headed . Perfectly aware . Heightened . If I 'm going to die , he is too . There 's no light coming out through the window . No sound . I know he 's in there . I saw him slip in . Sliding over quietly to the edge of the window , I crouch down . I want to peek in , but , if he 's watching the window , he 'll see . It 's dark out here , though . No moon . I risk a peek , but it 's no good . I cannot see anything . Steps ! He 's walking around . I crouch out of the window and slide back over beside the door . Is he coming out ? Did he see me ? I tense up and pain shoots through my wounds , making me wince . I have to get the jump on him . I hold the bat up at the ready . He 's not going to get the better of me again . I didn 't hear him coming earlier . He hit me with this damned bat and got the machete from me . He sliced me up pretty good . He probably thought I was dead , but he 's never killed anyone before . In the trajectory of this planet through space - time from violent birth to violent death we enjoy this season during which the innumerable environmental variables are temporarily hospitable to life such as us . The complex motion of this planet has turned me away from the nearby star we orbit , blocking the relentless radiation of heat and light so that I could , were I so inclined , step out into the cool shadow we call night and see other more distant stars filling the sky . But instead I am hiding inside the box I call a house , nestled in this soft bed , blinking into the artificial light of this bright phone , tapping into it symbols that attempt to capture my pondering such an accord I share with the spheres . And it 's like that with us , too . From violent birth to violent death , orbiting each other through cycles of light and dark . Turning toward you is warm and bright , blinding me to all the lesser stars . Ride this rolling world with me . Lets make the most of this season we have , temporarily hospitable to life . Reaching out for you , I would pull you close and watch the entire metaphor collapse into sensual singularity under the cover of these warm blankets . The universe is expanding and cooling . Quick , let 's make love while there 's still time . She plays outside with him whatever the weather , sometimes in yesterday 's hair , sometimes in shiny , fancy regalia . When the money is short , she buys him the handful of foods he will eat and forages for herself . She does all this because he is more than other people understand to her . He is the other half of her soul . He showed up to take care of her just in time . Sometimes he plays nearby and she rakes the shoreline , washes the clothes , mops the kitchen . But he is never far from her thoughts . They ride scooters . They draw pictures on the sidewalk . She knows how to make him laugh like no one else . She wrestles him sleepy . She makes him Poptarts ( the tops only ) and sees him to school . She celebrates hooky days when she senses the changing weather is frazzling his nerves . She doesn 't care anymore if you understand them . She has given up on most of us ever getting it . They get each other . They deserve each other . Figure it out if you can . They don 't have time to explain . Too many adventures await . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . Later . Love . She prefers the mild winter or fall because she loves the way she looks and feels with high black boots hugging her legs and the swish and sway of long , light jackets or sweaters . Her best friend has long , full , dark hair that hangs around her face and shoulders like mystery and seduction so beautifully she almost falls in love with her friend on a regular basis and she thinks she would love to grow her hair out like that , a warm cover of cascading beauty , but she always keeps her hair cropped close in pixie - short cuts that leave her slender neck for showing the scarves she loves too much , she thinks , the scarves she owns in questionable numbers , she often feels , bright and light and billowy . Her favorite day is walking blustery sidewalks alone from shops to cafes to boutiques , one or two small bags , no great burden , with some new , lively treasures . Her favorite feeling is words , just a few , with some new stranger . She always tries to put love and praise into what she says . She never wants to discourage or hurt the way they did to her for all that time , long behind , in dingy , smokey rent houses she never lets herself remember . She wants to see eyes light up or smiles , always from a distance , a few feet away , not close enough to touch , to hurt . At night she lies alone and listens to the endless stream of music recommended for her by sweet , innocent Leo . She doesn 't like it or dislike it , she just wants to hear it , to feel it , like sheets on her sensitive skin . People see her on the sidewalk and smile . Her friend loves the feeling of her fingers playing forgetfully in her long , dark hair as they talk of the easy nothing much that happens each day . Leo loves her but will never let her know . She falls asleep and dreams of floating naked in a warm , bottomless sea . Love songs whisper her far away . I was a little surprised to see an octopus sitting at the bar , to be honest with you , but I acted cool about it . I try to be open minded , you know ? I just took my normal seat - two stools over from the large cephalopod - and ordered my usual , Glenfiddich , neat . I sat there quietly , looking at my phone a little and humming along to the music . I glanced over to see if it was talking to me , realizing quickly that I was too unfamiliar with octopus anatomy to tell for sure . " What 's that ? " I asked casually . We sat there for a few minutes in silence . I sipped my drink . It picked up its beer with a tentacle and pulled it into some hole and drank it , I can only assume . " Truth is , it has been a bit of a tough day . " I said after a minute . I waited for a response , but It didn 't reply or turn toward me . It just turned slightly orange and reached for another beer . There 's a road at the edge of town that only a few of us know and if you take it your sorrows and your fears and all your weary years cannot come with you . At the end of the road is a swimming hole , clear and deeper than anyone knows . By the time you get there you 're a kid again , bewildered and excited in your swimming suit . It 's always a hot summer day . The water is always cool but not cold . When you jump in you don 't have to hold your breath or close your eyes . You can laugh under the water . You don 't have to come up until you want to , maybe to lie on your towel on the bank in the sun and dry off . Every touch and every look is innocent there . You might lie beside a girl or a boy . If you kiss or hold hands , it 's only sweet and simple and fleeting . You might just talk or stare up at the clouds . You might , once you 're dry , look for fossils or shells or dive back in the bottomless pool . It 's light all the way down , and full of wonders . However long you stay , you 're never late getting back . I know where this road is . What do you say ? I dreamed an old dream I 've not dreamt for some time that I was the one responsible for shaping the clouds so that they looked like animals to children staring up from below . It 's an important job , and difficult , though incredibly rewarding . I wish I could do that job in waking life , but I don 't know how to apply . It 's my dream job . He preferred to listen to the radio as he drove , but there was nothing in this part of West Texas but country stations and Mexican radio , so he was sitting in prickly silence except for the wind noise , which was considerable since the AC in this jalopy sedan didn 't work and , although it was an early October afternoon , it was 92 degrees . Sweat dripped from the back of his hair down his neck . Out of muscle habit he tried to swig from the beer bottle that had been dry for more than two hours . Still empty . The outside air was gritty and arid . He started to hum the guitar riff from " Smoke on the Water " and tap his hand to the remembered rhythm on the warm metal of the car door just outside the window . She was asleep in the backseat , angry , or at least she had been when she 'd climbed over the front seat back there and turned away from him . He was taking her to pack her things from her parents ' house in Truth or Consequences , New Mexico , but now he suspected she had had enough of him . Probably she would just get out the car and he would drive away . He wondered how he could persuade her to stay , what justification he could offer for his many offenses . He couldn 't think of any . He 'd never been able to . Maybe they were unjustified after all . He 'd always assumed some code of justice drove him , made his iniquities understandable , but he doubted it now . It was sobering , like this long dry road , this empty beer bottle , this barren country with no rock music and not another car for as long as he could remember . Years later , when she finally left him , he would think back to this drive and wonder why she 'd stayed all that time . Every morning , however she feels , she packs a modest lunch from home , because she has learned that the ritual discipline of small practicalities builds , bit by bit , the quality of life she had no hope for when she was out there , her life on fire , out of control . She trusts people slowly now , especially men , but she is more sure of the ones who make it through , open and real with them . Sometimes she is gripped with sudden residual dread and she has to remind herself that danger is less likely now , that some worries no longer apply , however real the phantom grip clawing at her chest . Even if there is money and someone invites her for lunch out , she almost always politely declines . A humble lunch , packed herself , is a breath of wellness in her day . It gives her just a little more pride . And hope . At the place where the copse - tangled creek - deceptively untamed for the urban neighborhood through which it meandered - passed under the busy boulevard , he trekked through what he was tempted to call a culvert , though in fact it was technically a bridge . Walking on the lower edge of the ramp of concrete he was able , just barely , to pass through upright without stepping in the muddy , mossy water or banging his head on the concrete roadbed that trembled overhead with the motion of passing cars . Near the far side he saw that someone had spray - painted " skate " on the bridge support in angular , graffiti script , black with a red outline . A few yards farther ahead an overturned shopping cart in the creek bed was rusting badly and gathering quite a mound of moss as the water passed through . He enjoyed walking these city creeks for some reason . They made him feel in touch with something primitive or organic . They relaxed him . It 's funny how little it takes . A few feet on either side can be like another world . Twenty feet away there 's an office park , but somehow he 's exploring the uncharted wilderness . Hello , friends . I trust you 're well . Later . Love . If someone asked you the question , " What do you want ? " could you answer it ? Do you know what you want ? Because I don 't . Well , I might . I asked myself , and I didn 't know . I really didn 't . For the past twenty - one years , you see , I was along for the ride with a competent , intelligent ( and beautiful ) woman who had a plan for what we wanted out of life and I didn 't know all the details but I was happy to just go with it because she was smarter and she had ideas and I really hadn 't thought about it . But then she got cancer and then she died . And now I feel like all the momentum she built up is dissipating and I 'm coasting to a stop , which isn 't good . I 'm only 41 years old , after all . I plan to live to be 200 ( at least ) , so 94 % of my life is still in front of me . ( I think . I 'm no math expert . ) So now I have to decide what I want in life . And I don 't know . But I 've been thinking about it and I 'm starting to get some ideas . I want my children to grow and develop independent , autonomous lives , so that their potential to thrive is not bounded by mine , so that they can continue to thrive after my inevitable death , and so that I can enjoy , once they 're grown , an independent , autonomous life that I have never known . Regarding material possessions I want a life that is small and simple enough that I can fully inhabit it , that I can fully understand it , that I can afford it without extravagances of money , that I can use and care for it properly , consisting of things characterized by efficacy , sustainability , reliability and beauty . I want to continue learning all my life , focusing on knowledge , skill and wisdom that increases the happiness and well - being of everyone in my life , including me . I want to pass my days in a healthy balance of working , spending time alone in self - improvement and relaxation and spending time with other people in love , service , fun and peace . That 's what I 've got so far . And I know I need more , and I need specifics , but it 's a start . I 'm okay with it . Hello , friends . I hope you 're well . LatePosted by scott at 17 : 43 in bloggy , thoughts | Permalink Does someone wonder where you are , when you aren 't there ? Does someone wish you were here ? Sometimes it 's nice to disappear , I guess . But when you 're out for days , for months , and no one ever calls to ask , " Where are you ? Won 't you please come here ? " you get that awful , endless howling . No one 's going to call . No one wonders where you are . There 's nowhere you 're expected . You 're completely free . Like a stray dog is free to fend . Like an abandoned farmhouse is free to fall . A forgotten name someone used to know . |
Latest Thread Some forum descriptions have gotten cropped Latest Blog So what 's up ? Occasionally , an exploding star will give off a gamma ray burst . Typically , these are pretty weak and harmless since they are so far away ( often in other galaxies ) . But if one of these were to happen relatively close to us , the radiation would pretty much end life . Even though it only lasts for a second , it will rip parts of atmosphere into component pieces . Very few , if any living organisms would survive . These come at us at the speed of light , and there is no way to tell if one is headed our way , and even if we knew , there is nothing in the world that could protect us . But that 's not so bad . There 's far more scary things . Like vacuum metastability events . See , there 's this theory that reality is a false vacuum . That there is something with less energy than our reality . If for some reason reality were to at some point enter this lower energy state , a bubble of true vacuum would rip outwards through the universe at the speed of light . What does this mean ? Well , within this bubble , the laws of physics would be different . Matter that is stable in our reality would not be stable in true vacuum . The moment it struck us , we 'd instantly evaporate . Anything that enters this bubble will never come back . It will not stop . It will not slow down , you can 't see it coming , and you can not outrun it . Latest Thread What 's poppin ' y ' all ? Latest Blog AZ 's Back Other than the restless leg syndrome that makes my bed shake , nothing . You gotta ask yourself why is that scary ? I tend to mistake my RLS for possession . What else do people mistake beds shaking for ? " Boomer ! " , he yelled as the screen door slammed behind him . " Where is that darn dog ? " , he thought as he headed for the shed where his fishing equipment was kept . Just then the springer spaniel came bounding around the corner of the shed ; his tail wagging ninty miles a minute . " Bout time dog . Another 30 seconds and you 'd been left behind . " He gathered the pole and tackle box and started for the trail that ran behind his house and down to the lake . No matter how many times he 'd been on the trail he was still awed by the beauty of the area . Trees grew as high as the sky . Flowers burst out as soon as the sun rose . " Yep " , he speculated , there was nowhere prettier on earth . He rounded the corner and caught site of the lake shimmering in the morning sun . He strolled over to the tiny boat moored at the landing . After he loaded his fishing gear he gentle lowered Boomer into the boat and climbed in behind him . He started rowing for the middle of the lake where his favorite fishing spot is located . He 'd been coming to this spot for 6 months now and couldn 't get enough of it . He really didn 't catch a lot of fish but he was drawn back , time after time , anyway . Something kept him coming back to the lake , something pulled at him if he even missed a single day . He pushed those thoughts aside and let the beauty of the lake engulf him . Basking in the warmth of the sun , he settled down and started baiting his pole . He woke up with a start when Boomer let out a howl . " Darn " , he thought , " I must have fallen asleep " . He looked around and saw the sun already starting to set . He scratched his chin as he wondered what would have made him sleep the day away like that . As he sat , bewildered , he noticed his pole , next to him , hadn 't been used at all . Just then Boomer sprang to the other side of the boat and let out another long howl . " What is with you , dog ? " he snapped , but Boomer didn 't stop and another moan escaped . Boomer started clawing at the wood located at the end of the boat . Confused by these strange actions , the man got up to investigate . He peered over the edge of the boat and there in the water , just below the surface , was a woman 's face staring up at him . Her beauty startled him . So enthralled was he , that it took longer than it should have for him to realize she seemed in no distress being under water that long . His brain , trying to take all this in , wasn 't registering as fast as it usually did . The soothing sound of the rippling water had lulled him into a false sense of contentment . As he reached down to the woman , hoping to help her out , the water sprung up and surrounded him pulling him into a pool of darkness . He was gone before anyone could have reacted . Boomer sat in the middle of the boat howling for the master that would never come back . Growling at the " thing " that emerged from the waves . The woman grinning at some well kept secret . " I 'll take it ! " the man exclaimed to the Real Estate Agent . He shook his head and hid the smile that wanted to escape . He just made a beauty of a deal for the cabin at the lake . The moment he walked down the trail to the lake he could hear the water beckoning him . He knew he would be happy here . Happy living with nature . Happy that he was so close to the lake for fishing . " After all " , he mused , " I could hear that lake calling my name the first time I saw it " . Yep , there was something about the lake that kept calling him back . . . . . . . . . A man , at about the age of 30 went to a hotel and walked up to the front desk to check - in . The woman at the desk gave him his key and all , and told him that on the way to his room , there was a door with no number that was locked and no one was allowed in there . So he went to his room , and went to bed . The next night he was curious as to what was in the room , so he walked down the hall to where it was and of course tried the handle . Sure enough it was locked . So he bent down and looked through the keyhole . What he saw was a hotel bedroom and in the corner was a woman whose skin was completely white . She was leaning up against a wall and her head was facing the wall . He stared in confusion for a while then went back to his room . The next day , he went back to the room and looked through the keyhole . This time , all he saw was redness . He couldn 't make anything out , all he saw was red . At this point he was confused and a little freaked out . He went to the front desk and asked the lady about the room . She sighed and said , " Did you look through the keyhole ? " The man told her that he had and the lady said , " Well , I might as well tell you the story . A long time ago , a man murdered his wife in that room , and her ghost haunts it . But these people were not ordinary . They were white all over , except for their eyes , which are red . " " When i was a 15 yr old girl me and my friend Joana were bored in school so we decided to cut school and sneaked out . When we got to her house we started feeling weird , she heard like someone was in the house talkin but we were the only one in there , we were so scared we ran out of her house for a lil bit . Half hour past ; we went in again , everything was normal again we decided to lay down she was on her bed and I was on her sisters she had fall asleep i was bored readin a book , and my legs were hanging out the bed out of nowere my legs were pulled so hard that the bed made a noise she woke and ask me what happend i was so terrified , that i didn 't answer when she ask me again i started screaming really loud i want to get out of this room something pulled my legs , something pulled my legs , something pulled my legs I even had marks on my legs . . . the second it happens i was 17 , expectin my first baby one night i was layin ready to sleep when out of nowere my cover was pulled , i ignored it , 2 minutes later my legs were pulled again . . . but sadly weeks later i lost my baby . . . when i was pregnant again at 18 when i used to go down or up the stairs somethin kept pullin my legs all the time i had fall once down the steps then started havin problems with my preagnancy and one night before i gave birth my drawer started shaking and voices were callin my named out then i started to pray and it stopped , finally when i gave birth to a baby / boy at 31 weeks ( 6mo3weeks ) everything stopped . " When the time for his examination drew near Malcolm Malcolmson made up his mind to go somewhere to read by himself . He feared the attractions of the seaside , and also he feared completely rural isolation , for of old he knew its charms , and so he determined to find some unpretentious little town where there would be nothing to distract him . He refrained from asking suggestions from any of his friends , for he argued that each would recommend some place of which he had knowledge , and where he had already acquaintances . As Malcolmson wished to avoid friends he had no wish to encumber himself with the attention of friends ' friends and so he determined to look out for a place for himself . He packed a portmanteau with some clothes and all the books he required , and then took ticket for the first name on the local time - table which he did not know . When at the end of three hours ' journey he alighted at Benchurch , he felt satisfied that he had so far obliterated his tracks as to be sure of having a peaceful opportunity of pursuing his studies . He went straight to the one inn which the sleepy little place contained , and put up for the night . Benchurch was a market town , and once in three weeks was crowded to excess , but for the reminder of the twenty - one days it was as attractive as a desert . Malcolmson looked around the day after his arrival to try to find quarters more isolated than even so quiet an inn as " The Good Traveller " afforded . There was only one place which took his fancy , and it certainly satisfied his wildest ideas regarding quiet ; in fact , quiet was not the proper word to apply to it - - desolation was the only term conveying any suitable idea of its isolation . It was an old , rambling , heavy - built house of the Jacobean style , with heavy gables and windows , unusually small , and set higher than was customary in such houses , and was surrounded with a high brick wall massively built . Indeed , on examination , it looked more like a fortified house than an ordinary dwelling . But all these things pleased Malcolmson . " Here , " he thought , " is the very spot I have been looking for , and if I can only get opportunity of using it I shall be happy . " His joy was increased when he realized beyond doubt that it was not at present inhabited . Malcolmson thought it needless to ask the agent about the " absurd prejudice " ; he knew he would get more information , if he should require it , on that subject from other quarters . He paid his three months ' rent , got a receipt , and the name of an old woman who would probably undertake to " do " for him , and came away with the keys in his pocket . He then went to the landlady of the inn , who was a cheerful and most kindly person , and asked her advice as to such stores and provisions as he would be likely to require . She threw up her hands in amazement when he told her where he was going to settle himself . " Not in the Judge 's House ! " she said , and grew pale as she spoke . He explained the locality of the house , saying that he did not know its name . When he had finished she answered : " Aye , sure enough - - sure enough the very place ! It is the Judge 's House sure enough . " He asked her to tell him about the place , why so called , and what there was against it . She told him that it was so called locally because it had been many years before - - how long she could not say , as she was herself from another part of the country , but she thought it must have been a hundred years or more - - the abode of a judge who was held in great terror on account of his harsh sentences and his hostility to prisoners at Assizes . As to what there was against the house she could not tell . She had often asked , but no one could inform her , but there was a general feeling that there was something , and for her own part she would not take all the money in Drinkwater 's Bank and stay in the house an hour by herself . Then she apologized to Malcolmson for her disturbing talk . " It is too bad of me , sir , and you - - and a young gentleman , too - - if you will pardon me saying it , going to live there all alone . If you were my boy - - and you 'll excuse me for saying it - - you wouldn 't sleep there a night , not if I had to go there myself and pull the big alarm bell that 's on the roof ! " The good creature was so manifestly in earnest , and was so kindly in her intentions , that Malcolmson , although amused , was touched . He told her kindly how much he appreciated her interest in him , and added : " But , my dear Mrs . Witham , indeed you need not be concerned about me ! A man who is reading for the Mathematical Tripos has too much to think of to be disturbed by any of these mysterious ' somethings , ' and his work is of too exact and prosaic a kind to allow of his having any order in his mind for mysteries of any kind . Harmonical Progression , Permutations and Combinations , and Elliptic Functions have sufficient mysteries for me ! " Mrs . Witham kindly undertook to see after his commissions , and he went himself to look for the old woman who had been recommended to him . When he turned to the Judge 's House with her , after an interval of a couple of hours , he found Mrs . Witham herself waiting with several men and boys carrying parcels , and an upholsterer 's man with a bed in a cart , for she said , though table and chairs might be all very well , a bed that hadn 't been aired for maybe fifty years was not proper for young ones to lie on . She was evidently curious to see the inside of the house , and though manifestly so afraid of the ' somethings ' that at the slightest sound she clutched on to Malcolmson , whom she never left for a moment , went over the whole place . After his examination of the house , Malcolmson decided to take up his abode in the great dining - room , which was big enough to serve for all his requirements , and Mrs . Witham , with the aid of the charwoman , Mrs . Dempster , proceeded to arrange matters . When the hampers were brought in and unpacked , Malcolmson saw that with much kind forethought she had sent from her own kitchen sufficient provisions to last for a few days . Before going she expressed all sorts of kind wishes , and at the door turned and said : " I 'll tell you what it is , sir , " she said , " bogies is all kinds and sorts of things - - except bogies ! Rats and mice , and beetles and creaky doors , and loose slates , and broken panes , and stiff drawer handles , that stay out when you pull them and then fall down in the middle of the night . Look at the wainscot of the room ! It is old - - hundreds of years old ! Do you think there 's no rats and beetles there ? And do you imagine , sir , that you won 't see none of them ? Rats is bogies , I tell you , and bogies is rats , and don 't you get to think anything else ! " " Thank you kindly , sir ! " she answered , " but I couldn 't sleep away from home a night . I am in Greenhow 's Charity , and if I slept a night away from my rooms I should lose all I have got to live on . The rules is very strict , and there 's too many watching for a vacancy for me to run any risks in the matter . Only for that , sir , I 'd gladly come here and attend on you altogether during your stay . " The old woman laughed harshly . " Ah , you young gentlemen , " she said , " you don 't fear for nought , and belike you 'll get all the solitude you want here . " She set to work with her cleaning , and by nightfall , when Malcolmson returned from his walk - - he always had one of his books to study as he walked - - he found the room swept and tidied , a fire burning on the old hearth , the lamp lit , and the table spread for supper with Mrs . Witham 's excellent fare . " This is comfort indeed , " he said , and rubbed his hands . When he had finished his supper , and lifted the tray to the other end of the great oak dining - table , he got out his books again , put fresh wood on the fire , trimmed his lamp , and set himself down to a spell of real hard work . He went on without a pause till about eleven o ' clock , when he knocked off for a bit to fix his fire and lamp , and to make himself a cup of tea . He had always been a tea - drinker , and during his college life had sat late at work and had taken tea late . The rest was a great luxury to him , and he enjoyed it with a sense of delicious voluptuous ease . The renewed fire leaped and sparkled , and threw quaint shadows through the great old room , and as he sipped his hot tea he revelled in the sense of isolation from his kind . Then it was that he began to notice for the first time what a noise the rats were making . " Surely , " he thought , " they cannot have been at it all the time I was reading . Had they been , I must have noticed it ! " Presently , when the noise increased , he satisfied himself that it was really new . It was evident that at first the rats had been frightened at the presence of a stranger , and the light of fire and lamp , but that as the time went on they had grown bolder and were now disporting themselves as was their wont . How busy they were - - and hark to the strange noises ! Up and down the old wainscot , over the ceiling and under the floor they raced , and gnawed , and scratched ! Malcolmson smiled to himself as he recalled to mind the saying of Mrs . Dempster , " Bogies is rats , and rats is bogies ! " The tea began to have its effect of intellectual and nervous stimulus , he saw with joy another long spell of work to be done before the night was past , and in the sense of security which it gave him , he allowed himself the luxury of a good look round the room . He took his lamp in one hand , and went all round , wondering that so quaint and beautiful an old house had been so long neglected . The carving of the oak on the panels of the wainscot was fine , and on and round the doors and windows it was beautiful and of rare merit . There were some old pictures on the walls , but they were coated so thick with dust and dirt that he could not distinguish any detail of them , though he held his lamp as high as he could over his head . Here and there as he went round he saw some crack or hole blocked for a moment by the face of a rat with its bright eyes glittering in the light , but in an instant it was gone , and a squeak and a scamper followed . The thing that most struck him , however , was the rope of the great alarm bell on the roof , which hung down in a corner of the room on the right - hand side of the fireplace . He pulled up close to the hearth a great high - backed carved oak chair , and sat down to his last cup of tea . When this was done he made up the fire , and went back to his work , sitting at the corner of the table , having the fire to his left . For a little while the rats disturbed him somewhat with their perpetual scampering , but he got accustomed to the noise as one does to the ticking of the clock or to the roar of moving water , and he became so immersed in his work that everything in the world , except the problem which he was trying to solve , passed away from him . He suddenly looked up , his problem was still unsolved , and there was in the air that sense of the hour before the dawn , which is so dread to doubtful life . The noise of the rats had ceased . Indeed it seemed to him that it must have ceased but lately and that it was the sudden cessation which had disturbed him . The fire had fallen low , but still it threw out a deep red glow . As he looked he started in spite of his sang froid . There , on the great high - backed carved oak chair by the right side of the fire - place sat an enormous rat , steadily glaring at him with baleful eyes . He made a motion to it as though to hunt it away , but it did not stir . Then he made the motion of throwing something . Still it did not stir , but showed its great white teeth angrily , and its cruel eyes shone in the lamplight with an added vindictiveness . Malcolmson felt amazed , and seizing the poker from the hearth ran at it to kill it . Before , however , he could strike it the rat , with a squeak that sounded like the concentration of hate , jumped upon the floor , and , running up the rope of the alarm bell , disappeared in the darkness beyond the range of the green - shaded lamp . Instantly , strange to say , the noisy scampering of the rats in the wainscot began again . He slept so sound that he was not even waked by Mrs . Dempster coming in to make up his room . It was only when she had tided up the place and got his breakfast ready and tapped on the screen which closed in his bed that he woke . He was a little tired still after his night 's hard work , but a strong cup of tea soon freshened him up and , taking his book , he went out for his morning walk , bringing with him a few sandwiches lest he should not care to return till dinner - time . He found a quiet walk between high elms some way outside the town , and here he spent the greater part of the day studying his Laplace . On his return he looked in to see Mrs . Witham and to thank her for her kindness . When she saw him coming through the diamond - paned bay window of her sanctum she came out to meet him and asked him in . She looked at him searchingly and shook her head as she said : " You must not overdo it , sir . You are paler this morning than you should be . Too late hours and too hard work on the brains isn 't good for any man ! But tell me , sir , how did you pass the night ? Well , I hope ? But , my heart ! sir , I was glad when Mrs . Dempster told me this morning that you were all right and sleeping sound when she went in . " " Oh , I was all right , " he answered smiling , " The ' somethings ' didn 't worry me , as yet . Only the rats , and they had a circus , I tell you , all over the place . There was one wicked - looking old devil that sat up on my own chair by the fire , and wouldn 't go till I took the poker to him , and then he ran up the rope of the alarm bell and got to somewhere up the wall or the ceiling - - I couldn 't see where , it was so dark . " " Mercy on us , " said Mrs . Witham , " an old devil , and sitting on a chair by the fireside ! Take care , sir ! take care ! There 's many a true word spoken in jest . " " An old devil ! The old devil , perhaps . There ! sir , you needn 't laugh , " for Malcolmson had broken into a hearty peal . " You young folks think it easy to laugh at things that makes older ones shudder . Never mind , sir ! never mind ! Please God , you 'll laugh all the time . It 's what I wish you myself ! " and the good lady beamed all over in sympathy with his enjoyment , her fears gone for a moment . " Oh , forgive me , " said Malcolmson presently . " Don 't think me rude , but the idea was too much for me - - that the old devil himself was on the chair last night ! " And at the thought he laughed again . Then he went home to dinner . This evening the scampering of the rats began earlier , indeed it had been going on before his arrival , and only ceased whilst his presence by its freshness disturbed them . After dinner he sat by the fire for a while and had a smoke , and then , having cleared his table , began to work as before . To - night the rats disturbed him more than they had done on the previous night . How they scampered up and down and under and over ! How they squeaked and scratched and gnawed ! How they , getting bolder by degrees , came to the mouths of their holes and to the chinks and cracks and crannies in the wainscoting till their eyes shone like tiny lamps as the firelight rose and fell . But to him , now doubtless accustomed to them , their eyes were not wicked , only their playfulness touched him . Sometimes the boldest of them made sallies out on the floor or along the mouldings of the wainscot . Now and again as they disturbed him Malcolmson made a sound to frighten them , smiting the table with his hand or giving a fierce " Hsh , hsh , " so that they fled straightway to their holes . All at once he stopped , as on the previous night , being overcome by a sudden silence . There was not the faintest sound of gnaw , or scratch , or squeak . The silence was as of the grave . Instinctively he took the nearest thing to his hand , a book of logarithms , and flung it at it . The book was badly aimed and the rat did not stir , so again the poker performance of the previous night was repeated , and again the rat , being closely pursued , fled up the rope of the alarm bell . Strangely , too , the departure of this rat was instantly followed by the renewal of the noise made by the general rat community . On this occasion , as on the previous one , Malcolmson could not see at what part of the room the rat disappeared , for the green shade of his lamp left the upper part of the room in darkness and the fire had burned low . On looking at his watch he found it was close on midnight , and , not sorry for the divertissement , he made up his fire and made himself his nightly pot of tea . He had got through a good spell of work , and thought himself entitled to a cigarette , and so he sat on the great carved oak chair before the fire and enjoyed it . Whilst smoking he began to think that he would like to know where the rat disappeared to , for he had certain ideas for the morrow not entirely disconnected with a rat - trap . Accordingly he lit another lamp and placed it so that it would shine well into the right - hand corner of the wall by the fireplace . Then he got all the books he had with him , and placed them handy to throw at the vermin . Finally he lifted the rope of the alarm bell and placed the end of it on the table , fixing the extreme end under the lamp . As he handled it he could not help noticing how pliable it was , especially for so strong a rope and one not in use . " You could hang a man with it , " he thought to himself . When his preparations were made he looked around , and said complacently : Again he was called to his immediate surroundings suddenly . This time it might not have been the sudden silence only which took his attention ; there was a slight movement of the rope , and the lamp moved . Without stirring , he looked to see if his pile of books was within range , and then cast his eye along the rope . As he looked he saw the great rat drop from the rope on the oak arm - chair and sit there glaring at him . He raised a book in his right hand , and taking careful aim , flung it at the rat . The latter , with a quick movement , sprang aside and dodged the missile . Then he took another book , and a third , and flung them one after the other at the rat , but each time unsuccessfully . At last , as he stood with a book poised in his hand to throw , the rat squeaked and seemed afraid . This made Malcolmson more than ever eager to strike , and the book flew and struck the rat a resounding blow . It gave a terrified squeak , and turning on his pursuer a look of terrible malevolence , ran up the chair - back and made a great jump to the rope of the alarm bell and ran up it like lightning . The lamp rocked under the sudden strain , but it was a heavy one and did not topple over . Malcolmson kept his eyes on the rat , and saw it by the light of the second lamp leap to a moulding of the wainscot and disappear through a hole in one of the great pictures which hung on the wall , obscured and invisible through its coating of dirt and dust . " I shall look up my friend 's habitation in the morning , " said the student , as he went over to collect his books . " The third picture from the fireplace , I shall not forget . " He picked up the books one by one , commenting on them as he lifted them . Conic Sections he does not mind , nor Cycloid Oscillations , nor the Principia , nor Quaternions , nor Thermodynamics . Now for a look at the book that fetched him ! " Malcolmson took it up and looked at it . As he did so he started , and a sudden pallor overspread his face . He looked round uneasily and shivered slightly , as he murmured to himself : " The Bible my mother gave me ! What an odd coincidence . " He sat down to work again , and the rats in the wainscot renewed their gambols . They did not disturb him , however ; somehow their presence gave him a sense of companionship . But he could not attend to his work , and after striving to master the subject on which he was engaged gave it up in despair , and went to bed as the first streak of dawn stole in through the eastern window . Late in the afternoon Malcolmson worked at his books in the shaded walk , and the cheerfulness of the previous day came back to him as the day wore on , and he found that his reading was progressing well . He had worked out to a satisfactory conclusion all the problems which had as yet baffled him , and it was in a state of jubilation that he paid a visit to Mrs . Witham at " The Good Traveller . " He found a stranger in the cosy sitting - room with the landlady , who was introduced to him as Dr . Thornhill . She was not quite at ease , and this , combined with the doctor 's plunging at once into a series of questions , made Malcolmson come to the conclusion that his presence was not an accident , so without preliminary he said : " She did , but she didn 't intend you to know it . I suppose it was my clumsy haste that made you suspect . She told me that she did not like the idea of your being in that house all by yourself , and that she thought you took too much strong tea . In fact , she wants me to advise you , if possible , to give up the tea and the very late hours . I was a keen student in my time , so I suppose I may take the liberty of a college man , and without offence , advise you not quite as a stranger . " Malcolmson with a bright smile held out his hand . " Shake - - as they say in America , " he said . " I must thank you for your kindness , and Mrs . Witham too , and your kindness deserves a return on my part . I promise to take no more strong tea - - no tea at all till you let me - - and I shall go to bed to - night at one o ' clock at latest . Will that do ? " " Capital , " said the doctor . " Now tell us all that you noticed in the old house , " and so Malcolmson then and there told in minute detail all that had happened in the last two nights . He was interrupted every now and then by some exclamation from Mrs . Witham , till finally when he told of the episode of the Bible the landlady 's pent - up emotions found vent in a shriek , and it was not till a stiff glass of brandy and water had been administered that she grew composed again . Dr . Thornhill listened with a face of growing gravity , and when the narrative was complete and Mrs . Witham had been restored he asked : " It is , " said the Doctor slowly , " the very rope which the hangman used for all the victims of the Judge 's judicial rancour ! " Here he was interrupted by another scream from Mrs . Witham , and steps had to be taken for her recovery . Malcolmson having looked at his watch , and found that it was close to his dinner - hour , had gone home before her complete recovery . " My dear madam , I had a distinct purpose in it ! I wanted to draw his attention to the bell - rope , and to fix it there . It may be that he is in a highly over - wrought state , and has been studying too much , although I am bound to say that he seems as sound and healthy a young man , mentally and bodily , as ever I saw - - but then the rats - - and that suggestion of the devil . " The doctor shook his head and went on . " I would have offered to go and stay the first night with him but that I felt sure it would have been a cause of offence . He may get in the night some strange fright or hallucination , and if he does I want him to pull that rope . All alone as he is it will give us warning , and we may reach him in time to be of service . I shall be sitting up pretty late to - night and shall keep my ears open . Do not be alarmed if Benchurch gets a surprise before morning . " When Malcolmson arrived home he found that it was a little after his usual time , and Mrs . Dempster had gone away - - the rules of Greenhow 's Charity were not to be neglected . He was glad to see that the place was bright and tidy with a cheerful fire and a well - trimmed lamp . The evening was colder than might have been expected in April , and a heavy wind was blowing with such rapidly - increasing strength that there was every promise of a storm during the night . For a few minutes after his entrance the noise of the rats ceased , but so soon as they became accustomed to his presence they began again . He was glad to hear them , for he felt once more the feeling of companionship in their noise , and his mind ran back to the strange fact that they only ceased to manifest themselves when the other - - the great rat with the baleful eyes - - came upon the scene . The reading - lamp only was lit and its green shade kept the ceiling and the upper part of the room in darkness so that the cheerful light from the hearth spreading over the floor and shining on the white cloth laid over the end of the table was warm and cheery . Malcolmson sat down to his dinner with a good appetite and a buoyant spirit . After his dinner and a cigarette he sat steadily down to work , determined not to let anything disturb him , for he remembered his promise to the doctor , and made up his mind to make the best of the time at his disposal . For an hour or so he worked all right , and then his thoughts began to wander from his books . The actual circumstances around him , and the calls on his physical attention , and his nervous susceptibility were not to be denied . By this time the wind had become a gale , and the gale a storm . The old house , solid though it was , seemed to shake to its foundation , and the storm roared and raged through its many chimneys and its queer old gables , producing strange , unearthly sounds in the empty rooms and corridors . Even the great alarm - bell on the roof must have felt the force of the wind , for the rope rose and fell slightly , as though the bell were moved a little from time to time , and the limber rope fell on the oak floor with a hard and hollow sound . As Malcolmson listened to it he bethought himself of the doctor 's words , " It is the rope which the hangman used for the victims of the Judge 's judicial rancour , " and he went over to the corner of the fireplace and took it in his hand to look at it . There seemed a sort of deadly interest in it , and as he stood there he lost himself for a moment in speculation as to who these victims were , and the grim wish of the Judge to have such a ghastly relic ever under his eyes . As he stood there the swaying of the bell on the roof still lifted the rope now and again , but presently there came a new sensation - - a sort of tremor in the rope , as though something was moving along it . It was of a judge dressed in his robes of scarlet and ermine . His face was strong and merciless , evil , crafty and vindictive , with a sensual mouth , hooked nose of ruddy colour , and shaped like the beak of a bird of prey . The rest of the face was of a cadaverous colour . The eyes were of peculiar brilliance and with a terribly malignant expression . As he looked at them , Malcolmson grew cold , for he saw there the very counterpart of the eyes of the great rat . The lamp almost fell from his hand , he saw the rat with its baleful eyes peering out through the hole in the corner of the picture , and noted the sudden cessation of the noise of the other rats . However , he pulled himself together , and went on with his examination of the picture . The Judge was seated in a great high - backed carved oak chair , on the right - hand side of a great stone fireplace where , in the corner , a rope hung down from the ceiling , its end lying coiled on the floor . With a feeling of something like horror , Malcolmson recognized the scene of the room as it stood , and gazed around him in an awestruck manner as though he expected to find some strange presence behind him . Then he looked over to the corner of the fireplace - - and with a loud cry he let the lamp fall from his hand . The fallen lamp recalled Malcolmson to himself . Fortunately it was of metal , and so the oil was not spilt . However , the practical need of attending to it settled at once his nervous apprehensions . When he had turned it out , he wiped his brow and thought for a moment . " This will not do , " he said to himself . " If I go on like this I shall become a crazy fool . This must stop ! I promised the doctor I would not take tea . Faith , he was pretty right ! My nerves must have been getting into a queer state . Funny I did not notice it . I never felt better in my life . However , it is all right now , and I shall not be such a fool again . " It was nearly an hour when he looked up from his book , disturbed by the sudden stillness . Without , the wind howled and roared louder then ever , and the rain drove in sheets against the windows , beating like hail on the glass , but within there was no sound whatever save the echo of the wind as it roared in the great chimney , and now and then a hiss as a few raindrops found their way down the chimney in a lull of the storm . The fire had fallen low and had ceased to flame , though it threw out a red glow . Malcolmson listened attentively , and presently heard a thin , squeaking noise , very faint . It came from the corner of the room where the rope hung down , and he thought it was the creaking of the rope on the floor as the swaying of the bell raised and lowered it . Looking up , however , he saw in the dim light the great rat clinging to the rope and gnawing it . The rope was already nearly gnawed through - - he could see the lighter colour where the strands were laid bare . As he looked the job was completed , and the severed end of the rope fell clattering on the oaken floor , whilst for an instant the great rat remained like a knob or tassel at the end of the rope , which now began to sway to and fro . Malcolmson felt for a moment another pang of terror as he thought that now the possibility of calling the outer world to his assistance was cut off , but an intense anger took its place , and seizing the book he was reading he hurled it at the rat . The blow was well - aimed , but before the missile could reach him the rat dropped off and struck the floor with a soft thud . Malcolmson instantly rushed over towards him , but it darted away and disappeared in the darkness of the shadows of the room . Malcolmson felt that his work was over for the night , and determined then and there to vary the monotony of the proceedings by a hunt for the rat , and took off the green shade of the lamp so as to insure a wider spreading light . As he did so the gloom of the upper part of the room was relieved , and in the new flood of light , great by comparisoFrom where he stood , Malcolmson saw right opposite to him the third picture on the wall from the right of the fireplace . He rubbed his eyes in surprise , and then a great fear began to come upon him . Malcolmson , almost in a chill of horror , turned slowly round , and then he began to shake and tremble like a man in a palsy . His strength seemed to have left him , and he was incapable of action or movement , hardly even of thought . He could only see and hear . There , on the great high - backed carved oak chair sat the judge in his robes of scarlet and ermine , with his baleful eyes glaring vindictively , and a smile of triumph on the resolute cruel mouth , as he lifted with his hands a black cap . Malcolmson felt as if the blood was running from his heart , as one does in moments of prolonged suspense . There was a singing in his ears . Without , he could hear the roar and howl of the tempest , and through it , swept on the storm , came the striking of midnight by the great chimes in the market - place . He stood for a space of time that seemed to him endless still as a statue , and with wide - open , horror - struck eyes , breathless . As the clock struck , so the smile of triumph on the Judge 's face intensified , and at the last stroke of midnight he placed the black cap on his head . Slowly and deliberately the Judge rose from his chair and picked up the piece of rope of the alarm bell which lay on the floor , drew it through his hands as if he enjoyed its touch and then deliberately began to knot one end of it , fashioning it into a noose . This he tightened and tested with his foot , pulling hard at it till he was satisfied and then making a running noose of it , which he held in his hand . Then he began to move along the table on the opposite side of Malcolmson keeping his eyes on him until he had passed him , when with a quick movement he stood in front of the door . Malcolmson then began to feel that he was trapped , and tried to think of what he should do . There was some fascination in the Judge 's eyes , which he never took off him , and he had , perforce , to look . He saw the Judge approach - - still keeping between him and the door - - and raise the noose and throw it towards him as if to entangle him . With a great effort he made a quick movement to one side , and saw the rope fall beside him , and heard it strike the oaken floor . Again the Judge raised the noose and tried to ensnare him , ever keeping his baleful eyes fixed on him , and each time by a mighty effort the student just managed to evade it . So this went on for many times , the Judge seeming never discouraged nor discomposed at failure , but playing as a cat does with a mouse . At last in despair , which had reached its climax , Malcolmson cast a quick glance round him . The lamp seemed to have blazed up , and there was a fairly good light in the room . At the many rat - holes and in the chinks and crannies of the wainscot he saw the rats ' eyes , and this aspect , that was purely physical , gave him a gleam of comfort . He looked round and saw that the rope of the great alarm bell was laden with rats . Every inch of it was covered with them , and more and more were pouring through the small circular hole in the ceiling whence it emerged , so that with their weight the bell was beginning to sway . At the sound the Judge , who had been keeping his eyes fixed on Malcolmson , looked up , and a scowl of diabolical anger overspread his face . His eyes fairly glowed like hot coals , and he stamped his foot with a sound that seemed to make the house shake . A dreadful peal of thunder broke overhead as he raised the rope again , whilst the rats kept running up and down the rope as though working against time . This time , instead of throwing it , he drew close to his victim , and held open the noose as he approached . As he came closer there seemed something paralyzing in his very presence , and Malcolmson stood rigid as a corpse . He felt the Judge 's icy fingers touch his throat as he adjusted the rope . The noose tightened - - tightened . Then the Judge , taking the rigid form of the student in his arms , carried him over and placed him standing in the oak chair , and stepping up beside him , put his hand up and caught the end of the swaying rope of the alarm - bell . As he raised his hand the rats fled squeaking and disappeared through the hole in the ceiling . Taking the end of the noose which was round Malcolmson 's neck he tied it to the hanging bell - rope , and then descending pulled away the chair . When the alarm - bell of the Judge 's House began to sound a crowd soon assembled . Lights and torches of various kinds appeared , and soon a silent crowd was hurrying to the spot . They knocked loudly at the door , but there was no reply . Then they burst in the door , and poured into the great dining - room , the doctor at the head . One day , ah , wait . . . That was today . . . Anyways , I was browsing the web , until I found myself in AF . Something was wrong , I sensed danger . I ran quickly to check it out ( i . e . , clicked the Misc . forum ) , and when I got there , I realized the terror . . . It was THIS thread ! ! It scared a poor woman who was reading it ! " You 've had two wishes already , " the hag said , " but your second wish was for me to return everything to the way it was before you had made your first wish . That 's why you remember nothing ; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes . " She cackled at the poor man . " So it is that you have one wish left . " Facebook Profile Latest Thread My Little Pony Friendship is Magic i really like that story about the woman in the red room . its a classic . i 've been told some pretty scary first hand accounts from people i know very well . personally i 've never experienced anything like that nor do i believe i will . Well I don 't know where I 've heard this one , but here it goes . Jason and Amy were driving all the way to Florida after a hectic week of hard labor . Both were ready for some relaxation so they made plans to go the one of the most magnificent beaches in all of Florida and relax there for a whole month 's worth of Summer . However , it was their first day of driving and they were both tired . Neither wanted to get behind the wheel that late . And there were no hotels around in site , only woods that seem to engulf everything around them . Jason was getting tired of driving , when all of a sudden a small house popped into view . It seemed nice and comfortable , and both were severely fatigued and did not want to spend any more time on the road . So they parked their car and let themselves up the front door . Amy , seeing as she was more charming than Jason , decided to knock on the door . She hoped that whoever was staying there would let them spend the night . She heard some light footsteps slowly approach the door and it was opened by an elderly woman who seemed nice and gentle . She asked them what did they need so late an hour and Amy explained to her how they were really tired and needed a place to stay , and if she would please let them spend the night at her house . " Sure sure , its fine by me . I 'm sure my husband won 't mind either . In fact , we have a guest room where you two can spend the night " , said the old lady . So Amy and Jason unpacked some clothes and anything else they would need for the night and sat at the living room while they greeted the old woman 's husband . He too seemed kind and gentle , and before long they were talking late into the night . The elderly couple noticed how fatigued Jason and Amy were , so they let them retreat into their room , but not after offering them some snacks and tea . After all was taken care of , Amy and Jason both retreated into their room and fell fast asleep . The next morning they got up a bit early so they could continue their long journey south , for both wanted to get there as soon as possible . They woke up as quiet as they could be and left before the elderly couple awoke . Amy left an envelope full of 100 dollars which Jason asked her to do , as a thanks for letting them spend the night . As they started heading up the road again , they realized that there was a small town only two miles farther down the road where they could 've probably found a hotel and spend the night . They arrived at a diner since Amy kept complaining about how hungry she felt . They sat down and started talking to themselves and moved on to talk about the nice elderly couple that had let them spend the night the day before . The waitress overheard them and seemed surprised , almost shocked . She slowly approached Jason and Amy . " Excuse me , but did you two say you spent the night at an elderly house a mile down the road " , said the waitress . " Knew them is more like it . I don 't know what you guys are talking about , but there was only one elderly couple who owned a house just like you described . And their house burned down 5 years ago in a fire . And nothing was left " , said the waitress . Amy and Jason were astounded , and found it hard to believe . As soon as they finished their breakfast , they headed back to where they had spent the night . Except there was no house there anymore , just ashes . There was a house that seemed to be burned to the ground . The both left the car and started looking around , shocked at what they saw . ' Did we really spent the night here ? ' , they both thought . Then Amy let out a scream . Jason slowly approached her . What he saw was a small coffee table in what appeared to be a living room . And on that table was the envelope Amy had left a few hours ago , and it was filled with the 100 dollars they had left . Latest Thread Naotas New thread ! A long time ago two people were killed and one seriously burned by an attack by Black Shuck at the church in my garden . Other then that no . |
Karen Ford had just returned home from a day at the bank where she worked as a manager . Charles , her twenty year - old son , was a college student . It was June , and Charles had moved back home for the summer . He 'd hoped to find a job to keep him busy , but nothing had turned up so far . The lawyer had worked for two months to locate Karen . Once all the fees and taxes were paid , he 'd said on the phone , Karen would receive a check for more than $ 100 , 000 . In the meantime , he had sent the package containing " personal items and miscellany . " " Open it , Charles , " Karen said . Charles fetched a pair of scissors and cut away the wrapping . There was a small cardboard box , heavily taped . An envelope was attached to the top ; Charles handed this to his mother . Karen opened it while Charles started cutting the tape . " This is from the lawyer , confirming what he told me before about the money . Well , Charles , you don 't have to worry about finding a job now . Aunt Susan 's estate is going cover your tuition . " " Not much , " Charles said . The contents were disappointing . There was nothing particularly " personal , " no photographs or letters . There was a pair of large candle holders ; some of the brass coating had worn off , exposing grey metal underneath . There was a short chain which looked like a necklace . There was an old fountain pen which had seen lots of use . There was a piece of metal , about three inches long , cast in the shape of a leaf . It was heavily tarnished . Charles studied the leaf . " I wonder what this is made out of , " he said . " It 's soft enough to be gold . I 'd have to clean it up to find out . " When Charles had finished doing the dinner dishes , he placed a glass bowl in the sink and poured in some liquid tarnish remover . He dunked the leaf . Tarnish started to come away in clumps . Since he didn 't want to damage the thing , he resisted the temptation to rub it . Instead , he just shook the bowl until all the brown flecks had come off . He poured the liquid down the sink and rinsed the leaf under running water . He dried it , then went to see his mother in the den . " It was probably hand - made , " Charles said . " There 's a lot of detail . Look , there 's writing on the back . " Charles pointed to a thin line of tiny embossed lettering down the center . " I can 't either . I 'll set up my old microscope . Maybe we 'll be able to read it then , " Charles volunteered . He went up to his room and rummaged through the closet . He found the wooden case containing the microscope . He took it downstairs and set things up on the kitchen table . " Here , take a look , " he answered . Karen moved to the eyepiece . The writing , though nearly all worn , was clear . It said , " Clasp me tight and make a wish . " " Oh , who has the time or money for that stuff ? But I 'll tell you something . Five vice - presidents at the bank and still not one woman among them . It 's pure sex discrimination . Maybe Julie or somebody else will get mad enough to take them to court . I don 't have a husband to support us , and that check from Aunt Susan isn 't going to last very long with your college bills . I can 't afford to risk my job , even though I 'm right about this , and they 're wrong . " They had been through all this before , and Charles was sorry that his mother had failed , again , to get promoted . She was just thirty - eight years old , still very attractive . She 'd raised her son alone , without any contact with the husband who 'd abandoned them after Charles was born . She had a lot of her career ahead of her ; perhaps something good would happen in the future . The next day was Saturday . Charles was still on his college schedule , so he didn 't awake until almost ten o ' clock . He threw on a robe and trudged down to the kitchen . A man was sitting there . " Gee , I 'm sorry , I didn 't know Mom had company , " Charles said sheepishly . The man was good - looking , perhaps forty years old , and was wearing a denim shirt and jeans . Charles wondered whether his mother had a new boyfriend . It had been a long time , he thought . This must be somebody from the bank ; he seemed vaguely familiar . " Remember the leaf , Charles , and the wish I made last night ? It came true . I 'm a vice - president now , and I happen to be a man now , too . " " I 'm telling you , it 's me ! The leaf must be magic , because my wish came true . Not the way I expected , obviously , " the man said . The man leaned back in his chair . " Go ahead , ask me something . Ask me something that only your mother would know about , " the man said . Charles asked a dozen more questions ; the man answered all of them correctly . Nobody except his mother could know all those things , could they ? His mother couldn 't have revealed every possible detail about their lives , could she ? By now Charles was scared out of his wits . What if this guy had done something to his mother ? He followed the man upstairs to his mother 's room . Somehow the room had changed overnight . Every vestige of a feminine existence was gone , replaced now by male clothes , male accessories . Charles glanced at the closet . There were no dresses , blouses , or high heels ; there were men 's suits , men 's pants , men 's shoes . During the next hour , Charles heard the whole story . His mother had awakened early . Something was very wrong . It took her an hour to fully realize what had happened to her . She had changed from " Karen Ford " to " Kenneth Ford . " " She " was " he " now . It took Ken only a few phone calls to confirm that he was indeed the bank vice - president , having mysteriously usurped the very job Bedford had received the day before . Nobody seemed to know Karen Ford anymore , but everybody knew Ken . All of Karen 's belongings had been transformed , too : clothes , bills , driver 's license , legal documents , etc . The old photo of her and Charles which had sat on the dresser was gone . Nothing seemed to be left of Karen except in the memory of Ken and Charles . " Well , you can 't call me ' Mom ' because I 'm certainly not your mother anymore . I 'm not your father , either . Why don 't you just call me ' Ken , ' okay ? " Ken stared out into space . " Sure , Charles , " he said , " but not just yet . This is a big opportunity for me , and I 'm curious about a lot of things . Besides , we don 't even know if the leaf will work again . " Charles was disturbed to hear this . His mother had been the only person in the world he was close to . The thought of not having her around , even for a little while , made him unhappy . Was it going to be this way forever ? Charles spent the weekend trying to accept the new situation . He didn 't see Ken much ; most of the time , Ken was working at the computer in the den . Early Monday morning Charles awoke and came downstairs just as Ken was preparing to leave for the office . Charles ate breakfast and showered . There were a lot of dirty clothes , so doing laundry took most of the morning . In the afternoon he pulled out a bucket and detergent and began to scrub the kitchen floor . Charles was on his hands and knees for almost hour , and he began to feel resentful towards his mother , or , rather , towards Ken . Why should Ken be able to go off and enjoy his high - status job while he , Charles , had to stay home and clean house ? Maybe Ken could afford a maid now . Charles tried to put these thoughts out of his mind , hopeful that things would return to normal soon . " Gee , I 'm sorry I was late , Charles , " Ken said . " There were so many things to do today . Tomorrow I 'll call you when I know what time I 'll be home . Can you just make me a sandwich or something now ? " " It 's amazing , Charles , " Ken said . " Whenever there 's something I need to know , I just seem to know it . It doesn 't matter whether it 's some bit of factual data , or something about Ken 's history , or just something that Ken ought to know . I think about it for a second , and it 's there . " Charles heard all about Ken 's position at the bank . It was surprising how men were treated differently than women , Ken told him . In the business world , men were really the upper - class citizens . " The situation wasn 't so nice when I was Karen , but it 's great for me now , " Ken said . Ken didn 't want to talk about changing back , and he didn 't want to talk about the leaf . Charles had looked around the house for it during the day but couldn 't find it . Obviously , Ken was holding on to it . The next day , Tuesday , proceeded in much the same way . Ken went to work early , and Charles did all the cooking and housekeeping . He was tired already of the grind ; that night , he asked Ken about getting a maid . Ken , however , didn 't want any strangers in the house , given the unusual situation . " What 's wrong with the way things are ? " Ken asked . " You have a good situation here . No meetings , no boss to worry about , no pressure . All you have to do is take care of the house . In the fall you go back to school . " " Ken , I don 't want to be in the role of some damned housewife , " Charles shot back . " You can afford to hire somebody to cook and clean for you . Why don 't you just do it and let me find something better to do ? " Charles didn 't sleep well Wednesday night . He had bad dreams , and he awoke several times feeling hot . Finally , he 'd had enough . He looked at the clock ; it was six - thirty . It was still dark outside . As Charles stood up he could tell that he wasn 't wearing his pajamas . He didn 't remember taking them off during the night , but he must have done so when he felt too warm . He fumbled around the chair near his bed and picked up a robe . He put it on and made his way groggily to the bathroom . The light in the bathroom was blindingly bright . He couldn 't avoid a glance in the mirror . Something was wrong . He looked different . His light brown hair came down to his shoulders . His face was thinner , more like a girl 's than a boy 's . He wasn 't wearing his usual flannel robe ; he wore a white , satiny one instead . Charles gasped . He undid his robe and looked down . There was no hair on his chest or his legs . His waist was smaller , his hips wider . He had what appeared to be a girl 's body now , except that he had no breasts and his penis was intact . Charles looked more carefully at his face in the mirror . He had always had his mother 's fine bone structure , but now he was genuinely pretty . He felt around his chin and his cheeks ; the skin was perfectly soft and smooth , without any trace of beard . He noticed he had long , tapered fingernails now . There were small holes in his earlobes . Ken smiled at him . " You haven 't been happy with things this week , right ? I thought a little change was in order . I need you , Charles , to take care of things around here . Since you weren 't willing to do that as a man , then perhaps you simply need to be a housewife . " " Don 't worry , you 'll get used to it . I used the leaf last night and made a careful , explicitly worded wish . I didn 't want to upset you too much with the change , so I instructed that it would take three days . The physical changes will happen only when you sleep , so you shouldn 't feel anything uncomfortable . Let 's see . Wednesday , Thursday , Friday . . . when you wake up Saturday you should be all ready . " Charles didn 't know what to say . He was embarrassed and angry , and he was scared , too . He was going to be Ken 's wife . He would be married to the man who 'd used to be his own mother . It was outrageous . Ken stood up and put on his coat . " I 'm leaving now . I promise I 'll be home at six - thirty sharp , so make something good for dinner . And fix yourself up , okay ? Pick out a nice dress or something . By the way , you 're ' Charlotte ' now . " He entered Ken 's room , which had changed once again . In one corner there was a dressing table covered with makeup items and jewelry . One closet was filled with stylish women 's clothing . These must be my things , Charles thought . The bed had grown to a king - sized model . " No way I 'm sleeping here tonight ! " Charles said out loud . In the bathroom there were his - and - her sinks and vanities . The " her " vanity was packed with feminine things . Charles took off his robe explored his new body some more . Right now I 'm in between , he thought . He had all his old male apparatus . He hadn 't lost any height ; he was still five foot - ten . His voice hadn 't changed , either . In body outline , though , he looked female . His hair , his face , his nails were all feminine . He was sure anyone would take him for a woman if he did something about breasts . He left the robe on the floor in the bathroom and returned to the bedroom . He began going through woman 's closet . A black leather purse hung on the doorknob . It contained everything to be expected in a purse : makeup , a wallet , a hairbrush , etc . Charles opened the wallet . There was some cash and a stack of credit cards . All the cards were made out to " Charlotte Ford . " Charles found a driver 's license . " Charlotte " again . The picture was very much like the way he looked now , except the person in the picture was wearing makeup and her hair was nicely done . He looked at the date of birth . He was losing eight years ; Charlotte was twenty - eight , not twenty . Charles was surprised that he didn 't feel more outraged than he did . Was he was beginning to accept his fate already ? Perhaps he was simply too tired to stay angry . His stomach made little noises ; he realized he hadn 't eaten breakfast yet . He should get dressed now , he thought . He went to the dresser . Ken 's things were in the top two drawers , and Charlotte 's were in the bottom three . Half - heartedly , he pulled out a pair of Ken 's jockey shorts and tried them on . There was no way they would stay up ; his waist was simply too small now . He found a pair of simple white panties in the bottom drawer . He tried these on . They weren 't designed to accommodate a penis , but in all other respects they fit perfectly . He pulled on a pair of knee - high stockings , and almost caused a run with his long nails . He wondered about a bra , but since there would be nothing for it to hold up he decided against it . He browsed through the rest of the underwear in Charlotte 's drawer . There were some very provocative things here . Charles put on a plain white t - shirt and tugged his long hair out from around the collar . He went to the closet for jeans . Charlotte had several pairs . He selected the black ones and pulled them on . They felt tight around his ass , but not in the waist . It was tricky to snap them with his nails . Long nails are a pain , he thought , but they do look good . He searched for shoes to wear . There were thirty or more boxes in the closet . The first box he opened contained simple black pumps with three - inch heels . What the hell , he thought , and he slipped them on his feet . Walking in heels was not as difficult as he 'd thought it would be . He sat down at the dressing table and began to brush his hair . He seemed to know exactly how to do it , and it didn 't feel strange at all . Perhaps he was acquiring some of Charlotte 's " memories " just as Karen had acquired Ken 's . When he finished , he took stock of himself in the full - length mirror . " Is this really me ? " he said to himself . He had no tits , but he looked wonderful nonetheless . Charlotte 's body was fit , and it was beautifully proportioned . He was curious to see how he 'd look with breasts . Charles slung the purse over his shoulder and went downstairs . He made a light breakfast and put on a pot of coffee , although he hadn 't ever been a coffee drinker . As he drank his coffee he smoked one cigarettes he 'd found in the purse , although he 'd never smoked before , either . Afterwards , he went into the den and turned on the television . He sat down in the big leather chair , kicked off his high heels , and fell asleep . He didn 't awaken until noon . Suddenly , the events of the morning came back to him . He reached down and felt his crotch ; his male equipment seemed unchanged . He pulled his t - shirt up and looked at his chest . No breasts yet , but his nipples looked bigger and darker . Charles wondered what he should do for the rest of the day . Ken wouldn 't be home until six - thirty , so dinner was a long way off . He 'd done so much housework the day before that there wasn 't anything that needed doing just now . The television was still going ; an exercise program was on . Three beautiful young women were doing the most complicated movements . Charles wondered if he could keep up with them . He pulled off his jeans and his knee - highs and got down on the floor . He started to do what the women on the show were doing . It was easy ; Charlotte seemed to be in great shape . Charles stretched and hopped and pushed up until the program was over . He was flexible enough to do a split now , which would have been unthinkable a day earlier . He 'd hated exercise before , but not now . He enjoyed getting out of breath and perspiring all over . He was smelly , so picked up his clothes and went upstairs to the his - her bathroom . He showered and washed his long hair with the expensive shampoo - conditioner he found in the vanity . It took him twenty minutes to blow - dry his hair and brush it out . Time to get dressed ; what to wear ? This question occupied Charles for the next three hours . He went carefully through the closet , trying on nearly everything . It all fit him perfectly , and it all looked great on him . Charles finally picked out his outfit for the evening , but he decided to start dinner before getting dressed . He through on his white satin robe and went down to the kitchen . He looked through the refrigerator and the cupboards , trying to choose the perfect meal for Ken . He chose to serve steaks and fresh vegetables . He cleaned the vegetables and set the meat out on the counter to warm up . By now it was nearly five o ' clock , and Charles returned upstairs to dress for dinner . He put on lacy black panties and a black garter belt with six straps . He pulled on a pair of sheer black stockings . The sensation of nylon against his soft legs was wonderful , but it did not seem exactly new . He fastened the garters without trouble ; he was growing accustomed to having long nails . Charles found a matching black bra , fastened it on , and filled it out with some pads he found in Charlotte 's drawer . Now he appeared to have small but reasonable breasts . He sat down at the dressing table . There was no question about what makeup to apply or how ; it all seemed quite normal . Charles outlined his blue eyes with liquid liner and highlighted them with a heavy dose of grey shadow . He brushed several coats of mascara on his lashes . He rouged his cheeks , then applied a long - wearing lipstick in deep red . Charles looked through the jewelry box . He affixed dangling gold earrings to his pierced lobes . He slipped a solid gold bracelet over his right wrist and fastened the black and gold Movado watch to his left . There was a gold wedding band in the jewelry box . Brazenly , suggestively , Charles put it on his left ring finger . Another gold ring , this one with a ruby stone , went on the other hand . For the final step , Charles applied three coats of red enamel on his lovely nails . He smoked a cigarette while they dried . Satisfied with the results , Charles walked to the closet and pulled out a long - sleeved red dress . It had a wide black patent belt which drew attention to his slim waist . Charles decided to forego a slip . He stepped into the dress , zipped it up , and pulled the belt tight . He gazed in the mirror . No surprises here . He looked good , exactly as he expected . The dress fell to just below the knee . Charles had planned to wear black patent sandals , but his legs felt chilly in stockings . It was unseasonably cool outside , and some of the cold air had begun to seep into the house . Charles decided to wear black leather boots instead of sandals . They 'd keep his legs warm , and they wouldn 't give Ken quite so much to look at . The boots he selected came to his knees , and they had three - inch pointed heels . Perhaps they weren 't quite as sexy as sandals , but they were sexy in their own way . Charles went over his hair a final time and returned to the kitchen to make dinner . He put on a white frilly apron to protect his dress . Cooking went without a hitch , and Charles found a bottle of cabernet to go with the meal . Ken , as promised , arrived home right at six - thirty . When he heard the car pull up in the driveway , Charles suddenly became very nervous . Okay , he said to himself , don 't panic . I 'm Charlotte tonight , he thought , and I 'm going to try to keep Ken happy . " Charlotte , you look fantastic ! " he exclaimed . He walked over to her and took her hand . Charlotte thought he was going to kiss her , but she did nothing to encourage him . Instead , she gave him just a slight smile . Charlotte had made a superb dinner , and Ken was acted happy and outgoing . He told her all about his day at the office . He smiled a lot . Charlotte smiled , too . She was not nervous at all now , and she enjoyed the attention she was receiving . They had strawberries and whipped cream for dessert , and they finished the bottle of wine . " All right , " said Charlotte . They stood up . Ken walked over to Charlotte and put his arm around her waist . Charlotte didn 't know what to do . " Thank you for the wonderful dinner , Charlotte , " Ken said as he looked deep into her eyes . She started to answer , but he kissed her on the lips . It was more of a peck than a kiss , really , but it sent Charlotte 's head spinning . This was not what she had in mind , or was it ? She could tell that her nipples were erect . Her cock was erect , too ; perhaps she should have clamped the thing down somehow . Ken released her . They picked up their coffee cups and went into the den . Ken sat down on the sofa , and Charlotte sat down next to him ; where else would she sit ? However , she made sure there was plenty of room between them . They drank their coffee and Charlotte smoked her cigarette . Ken set his arm so it rested lightly on her shoulders . Charlotte didn 't object , but she was apprehensive . Her legs were crossed , and the dim light of the television glistened off her leather boots . They sat that way for awhile . Ken moved a little closer to Charlotte and placed his hand on her knee . He slid her dress up enough so that he could pat her thigh without the dress getting in the way . If he pulls it up any further , Charlotte thought , he 'll see my garters . Ken massaged her thigh softly , slowly . Charlotte 's cock , firmly ensconced between her legs , was rock - hard . She looked at Ken 's crotch . Obviously , he was hard , too . What , Charlotte wondered , is going on here ? " I know , " he said . " I don 't care . I just want to play , to see what it feels like to be a man . You look so beautiful , Charlotte . " Charlotte didn 't know what she wanted to do at that moment , but she felt she had to do whatever Ken wanted . She reached over with both hands and tried to unzip his pants . It was treacherous with her nails , but she succeeded . Ken reached down and plopped his cock out . God , he 's big , thought Charlotte . Her own cock was still on fire . Ken wrapped her hand around his cock . The cock felt like hers , she thought , only bigger . Since she didn 't know what else to do , Charlotte began to move her fingers , searching for the same pleasure spots on Ken 's cock that she liked to feel on hers . She flicked her long nails about the tip ; Ken seemed to enjoy that . Ken told her to lie down . She did , so that her feet were in his lap . He positioned his cock between her boots . Charlotte rubbed her legs together ; Ken moaned softly . Obviously , he liked the feel of leather on his cock . Ken moved out from beneath Charlotte 's feet , pulled down his pants , and lay down on top of her . He kissed her passionately . When she felt his tongue deep in her mouth , she began to kiss back . All the while , Ken 's cock was under him , grinding back and forth along her thigh . She wondered how long it would take him to come , because she wanted to come herself , and she wouldn 't do it in front of Ken . Ken kept at it for a long time , but he couldn 't reach an orgasm while lying on Charlotte that way . Soon he stopped moving around and just lay there . Charlotte didn 't mind . She liked the feel of his weight on her . " I 'm not getting anywhere . I 've never done this before , " he said . He moved off Charlotte and stood up . His thick cock protruded straight out in front of him . No matter how hard I work , Charlotte thought , he isn 't going to come this way . She could only think of one thing to do . Half of her was revolted by the notion ; the other half was desperate to try it . She steeled her nerves . " Okay , lover , see if you like this , " she said in her huskiest voice . She kissed Ken 's cock and began to lick the tip . She took Ken in her mouth , gingerly at first , then deeper and deeper . She 'd never looked at a cock from this angle ; she could see only Ken 's pubic hair and her own red nails wrapped around his shaft . I 'm sucking a man 's cock , Charlotte said to herself . The idea was horrible , but the sensation was so thrilling that she wouldn 't have stopped for anything . She didn 't have to work very long ; Ken came in less than a minute . Charlotte felt the semen rush in her mouth . Not knowing what else to do with it , she swallowed it . It felt thick and salty on her tongue , but she liked it , in a strange way . She kept her mouth on Ken 's cock until he pulled her to her feet . She grabbed him hard about his shoulders . They kissed a while , then she darted into the bathroom . She pulled her dress up and her panties down and watched her own semen sail into the toilet . Charlotte declined Ken 's invitation to sleep with him that night . He seemed to understand . She took her nightgown and robe to the guest room , the room which had been her bedroom just a day before . The evening 's activities were so remarkable that Charlotte had difficulty accepting them . " Did I really do all those things ? " she asked herself . Dazed and fatigued , she fell asleep quickly . Charlotte did not wake up until eight - thirty . By then , she knew , Ken was long gone . She stayed in bed and relived in her mind each detail of the previous night . She felt guilty and humiliated by her behavior with Ken . She resolved not to let it happen again , although she couldn 't forget about the feel of Ken 's cock in her mouth . Ken would change them back soon , she was sure . If he didn 't , she would somehow wrest the leaf from him and change them back herself . For now , it seemed that going along was the only course . Charlotte got up and took stock of herself . Her penis remained intact , but it looked positively meager now . She had grown breasts now , real breasts , nice breasts . She was smaller , shorter , perhaps five - eight instead of five - ten . She looked even rounder in the hips . She said , " Hello ! " into the air ; her voice sounded distinctly female now . Charlotte loved the way her breasts bounced when she walked . She even loved the way they felt when restricted by a bra . She tried on clothes again , mainly to study the effect made by her new breasts . At ten o ' clock she put on a leotard ; she was pleased to see her nipples pointing firmly through the fabric . She exercised for an hour then took a shower . Charlotte need things for a Japanese dinner , so she decided to go out . What to wear ? Jeans ? Possible , but not terribly interesting today . A short skirt ? Yes , perfect . She pulled a black leather mini from the closet . She got dressed . It remained cool outside , so she wore a white cashmere sweater over her skirt . She put on the black pumps with high heels . Daytime makeup , a big gold necklace , a quick brush of the hair ; she was ready . She wondered if she was overdressed for the mall . No , she would shop only at the upscale places today , places where everybody dressed up . Ken was a vice - president , after all . She grabbed her purse and her keys and walked out to the garage . I didn 't know I had a BMW , she said to herself . As she pulled out of the driveway , her nerves acted up again . Would anyone suspect she was not quite what she seemed ? Could she look and act her part convincingly ? She drove to the new mall across town ; during the whole trip she was afraid to make even the slightest eye contact with other drivers . She pulled into the parking deck and turned off the engine . This is it , she thought . She locked her car and walked towards the elevator . The mall was busy , and there were lots of women going to and from their cars . Some seemed to stare at her , but nobody said anything , nobody seemed surprised . Charlotte told herself that the other women were just checking her out . Charlotte shopped without incident , and she began to relax . Nobody will find me out , she thought . I look good , even if I 'm not quite right yet . After buying the spices and other things for dinner , she decided to look around for herself . She was drawn to the lingerie stores . In one of them she saw a racy black bustier ; she wanted it . Charlotte was walking towards the parking deck when she noticed a shoe store . In the window there was a pair of black leather thigh boots with fabulous heels . She wanted those , too . " Try them on ? " he asked . Why not ? She slipped her pumps off and started to pull up the boots . She allowed the salesman to help her . He enjoyed it , she was sure . The boots were perfect . She took them off , paid for them , and went to her car . It was only one o ' clock . Charlotte had no desire to go home yet ; there was too much to do outside . Since she 'd skipped breakfast , she was hungry . She pulled up to a fashionable little restaurant , the kind of place where the drinks were more important than the food . She went inside and got a table for one . The place was nearly filled , mostly with businessmen taking long lunch hours . She finished her salad and had a cigarette with her second glass of wine . A man walked over to her table . " Oh , I thought you might be the new girl I heard about , " he said . Charlotte noticed she had left her wedding room home . God , he thinks I 'm single , she thought . He was no more than twenty - five , probably less , and a bit shaky with his pick - up lines . He just stood there , leaning on the back of a chair . Her turn , she thought . " You can sit down , " she said . They talked , he paid her bill , and she accompanied him to his car . I shouldn 't be doing this , Charlotte told herself over and over . The man , Jim , drove a big , new Oldsmobile with tinted windows . " Okay , " was all he would say . Charlotte climbed in the car and sat close to Jim . He drove out to the warehouse area of town and parked on a side street . Nobody was in sight . Charlotte didn 't wait for him . She unzipped his pants and went for his cock . He tried to kiss her , but she had her mouth down on him too quickly . She gave him a slow , deliberate blow job . He was so helpless that he couldn 't do anything except come . She sucked him dry and even licked the last few drops from around the tip of his cock . " Drive me back , " she ordered . " I 've got to get home . " Jim started the car , and Charlotte fixed her makeup . She looked presentable by the time they reached the restaurant parking lot . " Why don 't you give me yours ? " she replied . He recited his number . " I 'll remember it , " she said . Jim sped off , and Charlotte got into her car . As she drove , she felt ashamed on several counts . She had done something only a woman should do , though she wasn 't really a woman . Moreover , she had done something that no married woman should ever do . How guilty can a person feel ? Ken will never find out about this , she told herself . When she arrived home , she tried on her new things . The bustier pushed her tits up ; they looked even bigger than 36C . The thigh boots were incredible . She loved the way she looked in them , so evil and dangerous . She loved the feel of the soft black leather on her thighs . Ken was home at six - thirty . Dinner was a smashing success again , and once again they drank quite a bit of wine . Ken wanted to go into the den . Charlotte went up to the bedroom to get ready . Her new bustier , sheer stockings , and bikini panties were all in black . She pulled her new boots up as high as they would go . Her hair , which had been tied in a smart ponytail , she let fall loosely about her shoulders . She went crazy with the eyeliner and shadow , and she looked vaguely Oriental when she finished her face . She lay down on the bed to wait for Ken . The outline of her little penis was just visible through her panties , but she didn 't care . She didn 't think Ken would care , either . Ken came in , looked at her , and stripped off his clothing without a word . He was on top of her in a flash . He kissed the tops of her tits as she rubbed her thigh boots against his cock . " There 's another way , " he said , and he climbed off her . He went to the dresser and pulled something from one of his drawers . It was a vibrator , about ten inches long , with a gold metal tip . Charlotte felt that curious mix of revulsion and excitement again . He 's going to fuck me in the ass , she thought . Part of her wanted to say no , but that part couldn 't speak . The part that could speak said " Yes , yes . " Ken found a tube of K - Y jelly . He opened it and covered the tip of the vibrator with the clear goop . Charlotte got up on her hands and knees . Ken pulled her panties down just far enough to get to her asshole . He smeared jelly there , too . " Just relax and enjoy it , " he ordered . Charlotte waited as the motor clicked on . She made no effort to see what Ken was doing . She felt the cold tip of the vibrator against her bottom . It was soothing , and it seemed to free up all the muscles through her ass . Ken began to press harder into her asshole , and Charlotte felt pain . " You 've got to loosen up in there , baby , " Ken said , without sympathy . Charlotte tried to relax even more . Suddenly , she knew , the vibrator was inside her , and there was no pain any more . Ken moved the vibrator in and out and slid it from side to side , as if trying to enlarge her opening . As Charlotte became accustomed to the new sensation of being invaded from the rear , she became more and more aroused . Her whole body felt hot , and her nipples were positively burning . Her tiny penis wanted to burst . Ken had lubricated his hard cock while he stimulated Charlotte with the vibrator . As he pulled the vibrator away , he tried to insert himself into her asshole . It took a while to find the proper angle , and Charlotte had to relax herself again . Finally , he was inside . Charlotte let out a long moan . " Fuck me , " she told him . He IS fucking me , she thought , and I hope he doesn 't stop . For Charlotte this was even better than the vibrator , since she knew she was being fucked by a man , her man . Just like the night before , Ken could not last long . His sperm began to pour into Charlotte ; he pulled out and let the last bit flow over her back . Charlotte reached around with her hand , wiped the sperm off , and licked her fingers . Then she flipped over onto her back . Ken lay down next to her . He fondled her tits while she kept her hand wrapped firmly around his cock . Ken got up to use the bathroom . He closed the door behind him . Then Charlotte got up , walked down the hall to the other bathroom , and relieved her aching cock . She went back to bed and lit a cigarette . Charlotte and Ken played with each other for an hour after that , though neither one had another orgasm . Ken slept naked ; Charlotte just wore her bikini panties . Ken was still sleeping soundly when Charlotte awoke early Saturday morning . Immediately she reached down and felt between her legs ; no penis there now , just a moist slit instead . In her excitement , she started to grab Ken to wake him up , but she caught herself . Quietly , she climbed from bed , threw on her robe , and went down to the kitchen . She made an elaborate breakfast . She when it was ready , she put everything on a tray and carried it upstairs . Ken was still asleep . Charlotte set the tray on the floor . Carefully , she pulled the covers away from her husband . Ken was on his back . She climbed in next to him and began to massage his cock with her tongue . He started to grow hard even though he was asleep . Amazing ! She sucked , and he couldn 't stay asleep any longer . When he opened his eyes he tried to take hold of her . She jumped away . " Not now , honey , " she said . She flipped on the light and brought the breakfast tray into bed with them . They talked , they ate . Charlotte was halfway through a doughnut when she realized she couldn 't wait any longer . She gave Ken the best blow job he 'd ever had ; at least , she assumed it was the best one he 'd ever had . I wonder what he does on his lunch hour , Charlotte thought . In the months that followed , Ken tried to use the magic leaf many times . He found that it couldn 't influence world events , couldn 't change the weather , couldn 't heal the sick . In fact , it didn 't work on any persons except him and Charlotte . He had no further professional aspirations , so he never again wished for anything related to his job . Mostly , Ken used the leaf to change Charlotte . One night she might be a big , dominant redhead with huge tits . The next night she would be a demure , bookish type with an eager mouth . At Christmas they spent a week in the Bahamas ; Charlotte went as a gorgeous , willowy black woman . Sometimes Ken thought about the first time he had transformed Charlotte . His meticulous wish had changed her psychologically as well as physically . Now she 'd always be a contented housewife and a willing sexual partner . Charlotte will never know , Ken thought . Charlotte showed no interest in the leaf anymore . Why should she ? During her initial transformation , she realized that Ken had altered her mind as well as her body ; how else could she have accepted everything so easily ? It didn 't matter , for she was happy . She was a housewife , yes , but she had hardly any work to do since they 'd hired a maid . Tall , blonde Lisa came in on Tuesday and Thursday mornings , and Charlotte would fuck with her every time . |
Hey there ! Thanks for dropping by Just Call us " The Hecks " ! Take a look around and grab the RSS feed to stay updated . See you around ! We have some " interesting " neighbors that have moved in that have made us more vigilant when it comes to making sure things are locked up when we leave , etc . I hate feeling like this in my own home . It didn 't used to be like this . Well we are very active in our church and attend meetings every Sunday . When you live in the type of neighborhood I live in , most people know when you are gone on Sundays and at what times and for how long . This is information that you really don 't want people knowing if they want to break into your house . Two weeks ago , we came home from church and I had just come out of the bathroom . I was singing The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald , or at least trying to because I couldn 't past " Chippewa on down " because I couldn 't remember the words . So I was in my own little world trying to figure out what the next words were . I came around the end of my bed and turned to go out the door when something grabbed my ankle from underneath the bed . I really shouldn 't have to explain my reaction . It was like having a near death experience . I screamed for at least 2 minutes before I heard my daughter laughing . She is lucky she started laughing or the adrenaline might have jumped and I might have started kicking her in the face . I seriously had to sit down after this . Have you ever been scared so bad that your heart hurt ? My heart was pounding so hard it hurt . I sat there breathing hard and holding my breath . Like Fred Sanford does when the " Big One " is coming : So my first two children were girls . Girls were so much fun . I could dress them up and they got along most of the time . Rarely did I have a smack down between the two of them . My next two children were boys . Boys are an entirely different species all together . When my boys were younger , they got along great together . Better than the girls . As they grew into teens , I started noticing BIG differences in their behavior . I am not sure where in the genetic code of humans that the burping and farting in public gene mutated in males . This is hard to understand as a female and one that I will never understand . For some reason the teenage … and I might add , older aged male , seem to think this is the best way for impressing the babes . Let me put that myth to rest right now . That would be no . When my youngest son turned 13 something changed . Not only did he change , but he passed whatever he had on to my son that was 15 . My polite 15 - year - old son suddenly started farting wars with the 13 - year - old . Two years later despite my constant nagging things have not changed . This is not the only problem with teenage boys . The burping and farting they are constantly doing seems to drown out common sense or deadened it . I am still not sure which . I truly believe they will do anything to embarrass me even if it isn 't on purpose . Don 't get me wrong . I love my boys and they make me laugh everyday . They are hilarious , but they come with horrible side effects sometimes . Take my trip to town a couple of days ago . We came to a store where they were selling newspapers outside of the door . I am sorry , but I hate this . I hate being jumped at a store door without an exit route . I have told these guys over and over that I do not want a newspaper . As I sat in the car looking at the front door and trying to figure out how to get into the store without getting a sales pitch , my son says this " I got an idea , I will just go up and " pants " him and then when he is distracted you can go into the store . I bet he will never want to sell anything to you after that " . After I recovered from envisioning this scene , we opted to go through the garden area and avoid him altogether . I wasn 't sure my son wouldn 't try something . Amongst my purchases at this store was a toilet plunger . As I am getting into the car , I find that my car has a new hood ornament which took some doing for him to get it off after he put it there . I seriously counted my blessings that I saw that before I got going down the road . Once we get going down the highway he then proceeds to stick the plunger on the roof of the car to pretend it is a police siren , you know like in the movies . I had to put up with this for 7 miles . With my neighbor driving right behind me the whole 7 miles . Then he has the nerve to tell me that he wants to make a bow that will shoot one . Guaranteed , I will be the first to get it in the face . Then the other day we went into a store . I was stuck there with him again despite the many times I have told him he is not coming with me ever again . We came out of the gardening area and started down an aisle where we both saw this really cool green glass looking ball . We both reached for it at the same time to feel it . After touching it we realized it was plastic and that is was a toy ball . My son quickly grabbed it and started reading the label . " Hey " , he says " this says this ball can bounce 150 feet in the air , I don 't believe it " . As soon as the , " I don 't believe it " came out I knew he was going to see if the claim was true . The first words out of my mouth was , " Don 't do it " . He must have turned off his " hearing aids " and decided that not only was he going to bounce it on the floor , but he better make sure he gives it enough power that it will do what it claims . He was standing at the top of one aisle and I started down another aisle just as he bounced it . I looked up to see the ball go through the ceiling tiles . This was a good 30 feet up . The ball hit those tiles just right that it lifted them up and turned them enough that they fell out of the rim they were sitting in and came down on his head . I personally did not stick around for the whole thing to play out . When I saw the sky falling , I wasted no time in disappearing . When my son finally caught up to me , he begins to complain about the paper cut that one of them gave him on his face . No , " sorry mom , I should have listened to you " . No , nothing . It has been 3 days and still no apology . Perhaps someday when he has a son I will get an apology . Because despite my hopes for change , I think the gene will mutate in his future sons also . To understand how funny I find my husband , I have never seen anyone as tenacious as he once he starts mowing . We live on a five acre piece of land which gets covered with field grass . One day he was out mowing our regular lawn and he disappeared . I found him clear out in the field mowing . He is the kind of guy that once he starts going , he will find anything that needs mowing down and go at it . A couple of years after we were married he was out mowing with the riding lawn mower and I looked out to see nothing but a giant ball of dust . All of a sudden I see him running toward it and in the middle of this dust ball was the riding mower climbing a fence post . I stood there with mouth open trying to figure out how the mower got up the fence post without my husband on it . I still to this day don 't know and neither does he . He is as tenacious with the weed whacker as he is the mower . Many times I have seen him in the field chopping away at anything that looks like a weed . I have lost many of flowers and plants to that thing . May they rest in peace . So a couple of days ago he was mowing the lawn . I went to the kitchen sink to get a drink . I looked out the window and saw him mowing the lawn in shorts and snowboots . Earlier that day we had been hauling stuff to a recycling place and he had stepped in a horse size pile of dog poop . We don 't have dogs that size , nor do our dogs ever go in the front yard . So stepping in it was an unpleasant surprise . So he put them on to mow the lawn to keep from getting dog poop on his good shoes . It was nearly 80 degrees outside , I don 't know how he could stand it . I was on the phone to my sister and told her that she needed to see what he was wearing . She wanted me to upload the picture to my facebook page for her to see . Well I decided that that was too boring so I was going to have some fun and I Photoshopped him into mowing The White House lawn . Home remodeling is not for wusses . During my growing up years , there is only a couple of houses that I recall not being involved in a remodeling job of some sort . My mother had this innate ability to take something ugly and make it beautiful . I remember one particular house that I went with them to look at . I remember walking into this four walled container of fecal matter and telling my parents that I would not move into that house if they decided to buy it . It seriously looked like someone had urinated on the walls or something in the front room . The toilet was so disgusting . The house smelled horrible . My parents bought the house because they got a great deal on it . I moved in kicking and screaming . The house did have to be cleaned up before we moved in which helped a little bit . When my mother was done with it , it was beautiful home . I will be the first to tell you that I hate remodeling . Mostly because I hate things being in chaos and it would eventually lead to not having a bathroom in the middle of winter . Utah winters in the past were not kind . You would sometimes have to plow a walkway to the car through 3 - 4 feet of snow . This year it has been 3 - 4 inches . When my grandmother passed away , the doctors did not want my grandfather living alone . He was pretty feeble . So my mother and father sold our home and we moved into my grandfather 's house . It was a two bedroom , 1 bathroom home . There were 5 of us . My parents made do until we could remodel the home to have 3 more bedrooms and a bathroom . See , I told you all remodeling leads to being without plumbing at one point and time . This remodel job started in the summer and went into the winter . My grandfather had a greenhouse that he had made that was in his backyard about 200 feet away from the house . When it came time to install the new toilet , shower and sink , the water had to be shut off to the bathroom . My father built us a porta - potty of sorts in the greenhouse for privacy . Unfortunately it was in the winter and we had a lot of snow . I remember a few mornings making the trip out to the greenhouse dreading the frostbite I was getting braced to receive . This makes you pretty tough . I am about to " out " my mother on this and may she forgive me . I did not understand her situation then like I do now that I have had four children . The birth of children seriously damages anything related to the bladder and the lack of control thereof . Did not understand this at that time . I am a lot more sympathetic of her situation now . One particular morning when our bathroom was still located in the great outdoors , she woke up and had to go out to the " greenhouse " . She realized as she got up that she had to go pretty bad and wasn 't sure if she was going to make it . She had a pretty steep flight of stairs to go down and realized when she got to the bottom that there was no way she was going to make it without having an " accident " . So she made an executive decision to just step off to the side of the steps and go . She hit a patch of ice which caused her to go down along with her pants . Even now , 25 years later , I still laugh at the picture this paints in my mind . I envision Bambi when he first stepped on ice . Now thank goodness Google wasn 't around to do a drive by " shooting " . I would hate to find her on a Google map search somewhere . I could not stop laughing that entire day . I had graduated from high school and was at home so I was stuck there painting all day . When it would get quiet … you know the 7 minute lull … . I would envision my poor mother in her predicament and start laughing . She would just look at me and give me that " I know what you are thinking about look " and then proceed to tell me that she wishes she would have never told me what happened . Well today I almost had the same experience she did , only I kept my pants on and ice was not involved . The first house my husband and I lived in had to be completely remodeled for it to be livable . I decided after the 10 years of that that I would never remodel again . I will paint , but I won 't tear the entire house apart . So for the last couple of months , I have been giving my walls a fresh coat of paint after 7 years . Today I decided that my children 's bathroom needed a new look . I have unfortunately been smacked with the short stump and am at a huge disadvantage at reaching ceilings , let a lone vaulted ceilings . I have not to this day spent money on a step - ladder . That is probably why I have nearly died a few times . Today I had the can of paint on the bathroom sink and I was standing on the side of the tub trying to paint around the ceiling . I had a chair in between me and the sink so I could just step around to make things easier . I stepped on the chair with one foot to reach the paint can and for some reason the chair slid , thus causing me to do the splits . I am sure even when I was a baby that I could not do the splits . I am not genetically built for them . My sister tried forcing me once which , quite frankly , I was lucky I could still have children afterwards . Anyway , as the chair slid I felt the muscles pulling in places that no woman wants muscles pulling . My daughter and husband was on the other side of the house discussing bikes and handlebar tape . I yelled for help , groaned for help , prayed for help . No one came . I managed to grab on to something and get myself pulled back together . I had a flashback to when I was 24 months pregnant with my youngest son ( not really , but it felt like 24 months ) , I went to kick a ball and missed . Couldn 't walk for weeks from a pulled groin . I do not think that I will be walking the same after today . There is something about pulling the groin muscle that just messing everything up . I nearly crawled into the kitchen to where the beloved family with hearing problems were . No comments like , " sorry , we didn 't hear you " or " are you OK " . All I got was laughter . It haunted my ears as I am sure it did my mothers years ago . Why did I even tell them . Everything you do as a teen comes back to haunt you as a parent . At least I was within the privacy of four walls and my pants were stretchy . About a month later , my husband sat on the bed and the board broke off . We were so grateful this was not during the night . We tore the bed apart and put one hundred ( not really that many ) screws in the board to hold it together . We were impressed and thought it should do until we could get a new board . My heart was pounding so hard . This by far is not a good way to get woken up . We scrounged through the house and found some food storage cans to hold up the side of the bed which broke , which also happened to be my husband 's side . It was not level and leaned too much to one side , but it was the best that was going to be at 1 : 00 in the morning . Can I say that memory foam is the best kind of mattress in situations like this . It acted like Velcro and kept me from rolling completely over my husband side up and over him and down onto the floor . My body imprint held me in place . My daughter 's dog , on the other hand , which happened to be in our bed last night , kept rolling on top of my husband . We were both too tired to get her out of the bed and I felt my husband shove her more than once " up the hill " during the night all the while mumbling unintelligible words . Honestly . . I don 't think I wanted to know what he was saying . I grew up in a family that enjoyed having a good time . My brothers were constantly pranking us five girls . Of course we would always pay back . One particular week stands out more than others when one of my brothers was off work and made our lives miserable . In the process we all started pranking each other something terrible . My father even got in the action . Which was out of the norm . Usually Mom was the one who would go toilet papering with us kids and other " various activities " , all good and legal fun ( at least it was legal back then ) . Toilet papering was our favorite thing to do . If you got toilet papered , you were the coolest people on the block . I remember my friend and I saving up tons of paper towel and toilet paper to get a boy 's house that I had " liked " . I remember one buying spree prompted the store checker to ask us what we were up to … . we just smiled . Admitted nothing . This particular week off for my brother was a nightmare for the rest of us . We would find the neck and arm holes of our pajamas sewn shut when we put them on . We found the legs of our nylons sewn together . My mom found her clothes missing ( that was my dad ) , my brother found a brazier in his gym bag while he was in the boys locker … ( this was a good one ) . My sister found a fake snake in her bed and we found fake spiders ( that looked very real ) hanging from our ceilings . We were renting this home and the basement was unfinished . My father had been in the military and somewhere my parents had picked up military cots for us to sleep on . We came home from school to find all of these nailed to the beams on the ceiling . We came home and found our beds outside . . this was in the winter . We got my brother back by hanging all of his clothes off the roof of the house , including his tidy whiteys . We put vinegar in his cologne … . ( I think this made my extremely patient brother upset ) At this point , things were getting out of hand . We knew my father had had enough when we built a snowman in the front yard and instead of using a broom , we used a toilet plunger . This did not sit well with him . One prank that went bad was my sister had put shoes above a door that led downstairs hoping that she would nail someone in the head when they opened the door . Well she did alright … . the telephone repairman . Nailed him good she did , then she blamed it on the younger , less - defensive siblings . Anyway . . this is kind of the way my family is . One of my sisters imparticular will call and give any child of mine that answers the phone … including my husband … . a good teasing about one thing or another before asking for me . I pretty much do the same to her children or my other sister 's children . There have been times when she or I or another sister will pass on the street and pull the old " finger up the nose " gag to be funny . These types of things are just normal for us . The other day , my sister called asking me to help my nephew do his taxes . She gave me his cell phone number and I gave him a call . I was half way through giving him crap about how I work cheap , etc … when the voice on the other end told me I had the wrong number . Well … that was embarrassing . If we weren 't always trying to pull one over on each other , then things like this wouldn 't happen . Take today for instance : I went to help my sister do something for my father . She left before I did , but I came upon her at an intersection . As I came closer , I decided I was really going to get her good . She was directly behind a truck that was waiting to make a left hand turn . There was no one in front of me and I was going straight . I went really slow and stopped right by her . I stuck my finger up my nose as far as I could get it and put the stupidest look I could conjure up on my face . I sat there right next to her knowing full well she would see the color of my car and turn and look . Sure enough , when I turned to see the look on her face half expecting her finger to be up her nose too … I came face to face with an irate looking woman who did not resemble my sister at all . I don 't think I have ever covered my identity as fast as I did at that moment . I sat there thinking to myself … " idiot , idiot , idiot " . How could I mistake that car for my sister . I ran through my head where the car was exact make , model and color . Her big hair looked like my sister 's big hair from the back …… yada yada yada . . If I was not constantly trying to pull one over on somebody , stupid things like this would not happen to me . Next time , I will be more cautious . I will drive up slowly take a good look to make sure it is who I think it is … then I will shove my finger up my nose . Problem solved . So the saying " Jumpier than a one - legged man in a butt kicken contest " could not describe me more . I don 't like being scared . Nothing is worse than watching a scary movie and having someone scare you just before you are " supposed " to get scared or having someone come up behind you unexpectedly . I had an incident that happened to me a few years ago that almost ruined my life as I know it . I used to walk religiously at 6 : 00 a . m . everyday , 6 days a week . Never missed . With this came the ability to recognize cars and know when they pass . Most of them would pass me at the same time of morning . One particular morning I was walking and I came upon this really sharp corner . I heard this truck coming and I knew how this particular driver drove . I decided to cross the street rather than run the risk of this kid hitting me on the inside corner . As I crossed the road and turned the corner , there sat a car that was not supposed to be there . I immediately recognized it as a car that should have been passing me about 30 minutes later from this time . I didn 't realize that someone was in the car until I walked by . Thanks to the crazy kid driver in the truck , I was not forced to walk directly by the car , I was on the other side of the road . When I realized someone was in the car and it was parked behind some piles of dirt , things started feeling weird to me . All the hairs on my neck started standing up and I knew that something was not right with the situation . I immediately pulled out my cell phone and called me sister who lived across the street from me . My husband was at work and I needed someone quick . While not letting this guy know I suspected anything , I kept walking in the same direction . He pulled out and turned the corner only to turn around and come back up the street behind me . I held my breath and walked as fast as I could , all the time waiting for my brother - in - law to show up . The car drove by me slowly and as soon as it was a hundred feet or so in front of me , I turned and hauled butt so fast that I nearly sat the road on fire . My brother - in - law was just up the street and got me just seconds from the time I turned around . I learned from this experience to never be predictable in some situations . I also have become extremely jumpy and I blame a lot of it on this situation and also from a lot of break - ins or attempted break - ins to the homes I lived in as a kid . I have many weapons by my bed and my husband is scared to come into the house unannounced . We were going to go look at a couch a lady was selling and my son was riding with me , while my husband was riding with our neighbor . We were at our the house just getting ready to leave when my sons says , " Mom , did you check the car to make sure no one was in it ? " I told him no , that dad had just been in the Durango and I knew no one was in there . " Still " , he said , we should check . This was more for his benefit I think . He turned on the inside light while we sat in the seats and looked behind and then turned off the light . All the while telling me that I should check things like that . While we were thus having this conversation , unbeknownst to me , my husband had walked up to the truck and knocked on my window . It was dark outside and I could barely see him . Can I just say that I absolutely needed a new pair of pants . I nearly jumped into my son 's lap . My husband was lucky I wasn 't packing any " heat " . We were a couple of miles up the road before my heart stopped pounding . This little side effect I have has been a joke in the family . A couple of Halloween 's ago , I was at my sister 's house and we had just got done doing the whole trick - or - treating thing . We walked out the door to leave and me being completely stupid did not notice when my husband opened the door that my nieces husband was hiding in the back seat with a mask on . I was laughing and joking with the family and jumped in the car . No one else got in . I wondered for a split second what was taking them so long . I looked out my window and then turned to look at the driver side door to see where my husband was , when I came face to face with " The Mask " . I screamed a blood curdling scream , leapt out of the car nearly slamming the nephew in the door . This nearly killed me . I cannot begin to tell you had long after this incident I shook . The closest thing to a near death experience he and I may ever experience . Try as I might , I cannot overcome this problem . I just get more weapons to add to my arsenal . I really don 't think this is helping the situation . A jumpy woman with loads of weapons is an accident waiting to happen . Perhaps someday I will be the one getting the last laugh . Perhaps … . . Today was a very stressful day . In the area we live in , we have been receiving a lot of rain instead of our usual snow . It made for some very scary roads . This morning the sun had come out and the roads were wet , but not icy . Or so we thought . My daughter came home from school yesterday telling her father that her car acted like it was overheating . So this morning he put some antifreeze in it and took it for a spin to see if the problem was taken care of . He hit an unseen patch of ice and totaled her car . He is O . K . , but the car was not . My husband was so broken hearted to have to tell his daughter what he had done to her car . Kids have this ability to be so resilient when as adults we worry ourselves into the ground . I happened upon the following entry that my daughter wrote in her blog . I have to share it with you because it brought a huge smile to my face during an extremely stressful time and put what is really important into perspective . My family . BENSON , Utah - 1996 Dodge Intrepid " Sparky " , 16 , met his demise Jan . 20 , 2012 after sliding across an icy road and slamming into one heck of a mailbox post . His bumper was torn to shreds , his lights were shattered , and both of his airbags were ejected . Due to my family 's inability to pay for his medical bills , he was euthanized at Cache Valley Metals the morning of his accident . Sparky left us with a rich legacy of driving into ditches and growling like a hungry grizzly bear . He was a morose individual , always snarling unhappily when his engine came to life , skittering across the road when the snow was falling . Sparky hated winter and winter hated Sparky . He would be glad to realize that he no longer has to deal with snow again . Sparky was adopted my junior year in high school after my parents ' Intrepid exploded on their way to get him , thus , forcing them to bring him home . He was a carefree car at one point of his life , his power steering ripping you across the asphalt , his engine a gentle hum . Sparky and I had many adventures together , such as driving to BYU on the freeway for the first time and that time when I ripped off his BYU tramp stamp with a spatula . He got the nickname Sparky after his battery died at Steve 's house and the jumper cables nearly electrocuted poor Steve . His battery failed him two times that night . I thought I would lose him . My Mother , may she rest in peace , had an immaculate home . Nothing ever out of place . It was not always like that . There were seven kids and she had her moments . I remember a story she told of getting a call that someone was coming over and the house was a mess . She had to " cram for the examine " so to speak before the company arrived . She found the closest room to get rid of things and stuffed everything inside . I guess that the company complimented her on how well she kept the house up with so many little kids . This particlular incident made my mother into the " Clean House Nazi " . She taught us kids to be clean , neat and organized . I used to be , until I had children . I do know that over the years of having kids , I have gained a lot of patience and I tolerate more than perhaps what I should . Case in point : A couple of months ago , we bought an electric scooter from a thrift store to help save gas . It is mostly for the kids to get to their friends house , etc . My son came flying through my kitchen on it the other day , almost running me over . I just looked at him with that look that says , " Really ? " . He informs me that there aren 't many mother 's who allow their children to drive the scooter through the house . What I didn 't tell him is that He has taught me more patience than my other children . Well , this lead to a choice that I made that should have put me in the child category instead of parent category . I walked through my house and saw the scooter plugged in . I decided to climb aboard and just sit on it . Then the thought occured to me that perhaps one of my dogs would love a ride on this thing . I called one of them and stuck it on the foot rest and gassed it . I didn 't want her jumping off while I was going . Well … . that was a stupid thought , because she did jump off . Out of fear of smashing her flat , I swerved and lost control of the scooter , flew down the hall and into my daughter 's bedroom hitting her keyboard and almost knocking it onto the floor . In the panic of everything , I forgot it had brakes . I wish I would have been alone when this happened , but my 19 year old daughter was in her room next to the room I went plowing through . According to her … " All I saw was legs flailing and heard screaming " . Dang it . I didn 't want an eyewitness to this at all . Not even sure what possessed me to try it to begin with . It goes about 15 mph . I probably topped off at 17 through the hall judging by how long it took me to stop and how much damage I did . I don 't know how many of you saw the episode of Seinfeld where the management was changing all the shower heads in the apartment complex to " low pressure " shower heads . After it was destroying everyone 's hair , Kramer and Newman find a guy selling " hot " high - powered shower heads . Very funny episode . I can relate to this , but on a different matter than shower heads . I know many women have thought this and not many dare speak it , but I am going to risk my life and just get this off of my chest . I know what I am about to say will have every " treehugging environmentalist " down my throat , but sometimes things have to be said to make one feel better . What I am about to admit may make some shutter , but I don 't care . I am starting a new therapy group called DDA . Dishwashing Detergent Anonymous . It is a therapy group that will include anyone who is willing to admit that they have tried to buy Phosphorus filled Dishwashing Detergent from across the border . Yes … I admit , I looked into it . Be aware … . . it will cost you . I know how all the " junk " is going into the ground , yada yada yada … . . but has anyone thought of this … . Has a chemical analysis been done of the disgusting while film left behind on dishes ? Unless someone washes the dishes after the dishwasher was supposed to wash them , you are putting that into your bodies . It is probably taking us to a slow painful death . So my question is this … . why do I have a dishwasher ? If I have to wash the dishes before and after I use the dishwasher how is this saving me any time . I am so sick of pulling dishes out of the dishwasher and having to rewash them because of the junk left behind . I am all for saving the environment , don 't get me wrong … . but this certainly does not save water either . Is it any healthier to have to eat off dishes that have dishwashing detergent chemicals left behind ? Are we shooting ourselves in the foot ? I wish someone would come up with a solution to this problem . It is ridiculous ! It so reminds me of the " conserve water " toilets . That has got to be the biggest joke . Do you know how many times I have to re - flush the toilet ? Water conservation ? ? ? I think not . Those stupid low pressure flushing toilets are going to be the death of me too . I have noticed that stores still use the high power flushers , so how come home owners are forced to use the piece of " crap " toilets ? ( pardon the pun ) . |
Cathy was dead . . . ! ! ! Lee Crane sat in the hospital room trying to believe the unbelievable . She was gone . Gone from him and their son . Gone . . . forever . … Never in all of his adult life had he anticipated such pain . His heart , his soul , the very core of his being was gone , and so quickly . Because of the nature of his work on Seaview , he had long ago come to grips with his own mortality . But not hers ! ! ! This had to be a nightmare that he would wake up from . . . she couldn 't be gone . . . so quickly ! ! ! He felt empty . . . numb . Somewhere in his grief filled mind he knew he had to make plans . . . see people . . . see to his son . . . but he couldn 't think . . . couldn 't bring himself to move . . . he felt as if he were carved in stone . " No , I don 't need to be checked out , I want my son . My wife is dead . . . I want my son . . . , " he stood , and a nurse handed him a six - month old baby . He looked into the baby 's face . . . Cathy 's eyes looked back at him . He swayed and then steadied himself . Cathy lay on a table with a single light on her face . Lee moved closer to the table and looked down at her . She looked like she did when she lay next to him in their bed , beautiful and at peace . … He looked at her again . . . he looked down at the baby in his arms . . . " I 'm so sorry , Cathy . . . so sorry . . . . , " he touched her face . She was cold . He remembered the warmth of her touch . . . he took her hand . . . it was growing cold , too . … Lee turned and looked at Jamison blankly , " She 's gone , Doc , Cathy 's gone . … " Doc didn 't think he 'd ever heard such grief a person 's voice in his entire career , " I know , Skipper . . . I 'm so sorry , sir . . . we all loved Cathy . . . but now you have to let me check you out and make sure that you 're okay , sir , " Doc swallowed hard , and grew a bit more familiar . " Lee , you have to let me take you into the other room and check you out . We have to make sure that you haven 't been injured . " Doc swallowed hard once more , he was finding it as difficult as everyone else was , " It was a very bad accident , Skipper . . . Cathy would want to make sure that you and little Robert were okay . Let us do this , sir , for you and Cathy . " Crane remained standing next to the bed . Nelson , Chip Morton and Angie came into the room at Jamison 's gesture . Their faces reflected their profound shock and grief . Doc motioned Angie to his side , " Lee . . . Angie 's here . . . she wants to take Robert for a while . " " You 'll go on , Lee . . . for her and for your son . . . You 'll go on . . . " Nelson moved to his Captain 's side . The O . O . M 's face looked older than anyone could remember . … Nelson knew what Lee Crane was going through . He had suffered a similar loss many years ago , but Lee , at least , had a son for comfort . Nelson hadn 't been as fortunate . . . but he 'd built a life , and it was a good one . Now he had to help the younger man deal with what had happened to him . It wouldn 't be easy . . . knowing Crane 's personality . . . but he would help him through it . Their friendship demanded it of him . He took the younger man 's arm , " C ' mon , Lee , let Jamie give you the once over , and then we 'll get you and Robert home . " Nelson and Jamison exchanged looks . The doctor guided the Captain to the adjacent treatment room . Nelson turned to Morton , " Chip , you 'd better handle the media , I 'm sure that they 've got the story by now , and with Lee 's past notoriety and the prominence of the Institute , I 'm sure that it 'll make the 5 : 00 news . We 're going to have a media circus shortly and I want to keep it from Lee as much as possible , " he shook his head sadly , " let 's just keep those reporters away from him , and Chip . . . ? " " Aye , sir . . . ? " " Put in a call to Lee 's mother . . . She should get the news from here . . . not the media . Get Sharkey and Kowalski to go for her in FS1 , and get Patterson and Rodriguez over here on the double to run MP duty for Lee until further notice . Once Jamie clears Lee , we 'll have to get him out of here as quickly and quietly as possible , and . . . get me the accident report as soon as the police will release it . " Morton automatically went in his command mode , and began giving orders and seeing that the Admiral 's orders were carried out . But just as the others , he , too was finding this beyond belief . Why just three hours ago , Cathy had been waiting at the dock at the Institute with the baby , as the Seaview berthed . She came down the gangplank , and gave him a hug and kiss and handed him his Godson . . . then went in search of her husband . She was laughing , and smiling , joking with the many crewmen with whom she was familiar , while she searched the boat for Lee . She 'd found him making last minute checks on the maintenance crew , who were staying on ' his ' boat , while the crew and officers took leave . She had taken him by the arm and led him topside . He was grinning broadly at the baby as he scooped him up from Chip , and the baby had laughed merrily . The three of them went up the gangplank to Cathy 's car , and had begun their reunion . The accident had occurred on the way home . Morton wondered how his best friend was going to go on … Lt . Commander ' Chip ' Morton stood outside the Nelson Institute Medical Facility and read a statement to the waiting Press . . . " On Behalf of Admiral Harriman Nelson , the Nelson Institute of Marine Research makes the following announcement . … It is with the deepest regret that we confirm the passing of Mrs . Cathy Crane , the wife of the Captain of the S . S . R . N . Seaview , Captain Lee Crane . Mrs . Crane died today at this Medical facility where she was transported after an automobile accident . Mrs . Crane was the Executive Assistant to Admiral Nelson , here at the Institute . In addition to her husband , Mrs . Crane is survived by her infant son , Robert … All Funeral arrangements will be private , and the Admiral , and the Institute respectfully request that you allow all of us the courtesy to deal with our great loss in private … Thank you , " Chip turned and walked back into the building and the Security men blocked the press from any access . At the Med . Facility , Harriman Nelson sat in the director 's office . He was waiting for a Videophone connection to Providence , Rhode Island . Crane 's mother lived there and Nelson wanted to relay the devastating news to her himself . He realized the Lee would be unable to deal with any of this now , so he took it upon himself to begin to make arrangements . He didn 't want Crane 's mother to hear from a stranger . The secretary came into him , " Admiral , your call has gone through , sir . " The screen on the desk jumped to life , and Lee Crane 's mother sat looking at him . … Nelson cleared his throat , but before he had a chance to speak , she questioned , " Admiral . . . Is everything alright . . . ? Is Lee in some kind of trouble . . . ? What 's wrong . . . ? " Helen let out a small cry and covered her mouth , tears came to her eyes , " Oh , no . . . ! ! ! Admiral . . . ! ! ! but , Lee . . . ? you said . . . he wasn 't hurt . . . ? How is . . . he . . . dealing with this . . . ? I . . . I have to come out there . " " I 've taken the liberty of making arrangements for you to come out to Santa Barbara , Helen . You 've met Chief Sharkey and Seaman Kowalski . They are on their way now to pick you up in the Flying Sub . They should be there in three hours . They 'll come to your home and bring you out to the sub , and then fly you out here . When he 's up to it . I 'll let Lee know that you 're coming . He 's going to need a lot support . " " I know , Admiral . . . unfortunately , like yourself , I 've been where he is right now . There are no answers in a case like this . He 's only going to have questions . . . for a long , long time . … I 'll see you in a number of hours , sir . . . " His screen went dark . . . he felt very , very old . How was he going to be able to help Lee ? Doc had called Crane a passionate and intense man and they all knew that his level of commitment to anything was 150 % . How would this loss change him ? Only time would tell them that … for now , they all had to get through the next few days . It had started out fine . Cathy and Robert had met him at the dock , they 'd gotten into her car , she refused to let him drive . … She laughingly told him he had to get his ' land legs ' back . They were laughing together at her tales of the baby 's recent escapades . . . he felt a twinge of regret at having missed even a small part of his son 's development . . . but he felt like he could see each event through Cathy 's eyes as she joyfully described each small event and milestone . Her eyes sparkled , full of love for him and their son . . . and then . . . suddenly . . . he heard several sharp ' pops ' ' gunshots ? ' . . . . and then Cathy was fighting with the steering wheel , the car was completely out of control , the baby was crying , and Lee was shouting and trying to help her and then there was blackness . . . . He 'd opened his eyes to smoke , broken glass , twisted metal . He 'd tried to move , but found he was pinned in place . He couldn 't hear the baby . . . couldn 't move to reach for him . . . and Cathy . . . Cathy wasn 't moving . . . she , too , was pinned in her seat . . . " Cathy . . . " he 'd called her name . . . she didn 't respond . . . his left arm was free , but he couldn 't reach her , touch her . . . She was so still ! ! He couldn 't see if she was breathing . . . " Cathy . . ! ! " He was struggling to try and free himself , to get to her , to get to the baby . He heard the sirens in the distance , coming closer . . . he saw faces at the windows . . . heard the voices telling him to stay calm . . . that help was on the way . … And then there were uniforms and men and women trying to free them . . . . Lee awoke , covered in perspiration . He looked around at familiar surroundings . Everything was the same , yet not the same at all . . . he was lying on the couch in their great room . . . their home . . . and overwhelming grief washed over him in waves . . . ' their home ' . Cathy should be here right now . They should be talking about the recent mission and her work at the Institute , the day to day events that took place when he wasn 't here . … Lee could feel Cathy 's presence in the room , in the house , " Oh , God . . . " he just couldn 't deal with all of this . . . he heard voices talking softly in the other room . Lee sat and held his head in his hands . He was sitting like that when Chip Morton came into the room , carrying a mug of coffee . Chip walked over to him and put a hand on his shoulder , " Lee . . . " Crane looked up at him , and Morton thought , He looks absolutely awful . . . I 've seen him at his very worst , but never , never like this . . . I don 't even know how to begin to help him . . . Chip offered Lee the coffee , and Crane took it from him automatically . Morton sat in the chair facing him . Crane held the mug in both hands and stared into it . After what seemed like an eternity , he sighed heavily and asked , " Where 's Robert , Chip . . . I seem to remember that Angie took him at . . . at the Med . facility . . . . " Morton swallowed hard , " The Funeral Home . The Admiral . . . . he started making the arrangements , Lee . He didn 't know when you 'd be able to . He 's taken charge of a lot of it . He sent Sharkey and Kowalski for your mom . She should be here in a few hours . He notified the media , and warned them off . Paterson and Rodriguez are here for security for you and Robert as long as you need it . The O . O . M . is still at the Office , he 'll be by later . Edith called , she 's coming in later . Angie will stay with Robert as long as you want . Trish has taken the Institute by the horns and has that under control . The boat is in temporary dry - dock , as of 1400 until the O . O . M . decides to pull her out . " " No , Chip . . . . I have to do this . . . have to get a grip on myself . . . while I can . . . I 'll get Cathy 's things . . . maybe her dress whites . … " Lee stood , and Morton stood with him . Crane he swayed a bit . " No , Chip . . . No it 's not okay . . . Cathy 's dead , and nothing will be okay again . But I 'm going to find out how this happened . I have to . " At NIMR , Harriman Nelson was on the phone with the ONI . " Begging the Admiral 's pardon , but you don 't seen to understand . . . Crane 's wife has just died ! ! ! The man is devastated . All of us here are trying to come to grips with this . We cannot take on a mission at this time ! ! ! Yes , sir . . . yes , sir . . . even if that is so , sir , I don 't believe that Lee Crane is emotionally or physically able to take on any assignment now . Good God man , have a little sympathy . I know . . . I know . . . I 'll be back in touch , sir . " Nelson smiled to himself . Cathy surely had my staff on their toes . . . she always could anticipate what I wanted before I wanted it . . . looks like she trained them well . . . My God , what will we all do without her . . . ? ? ? And now ONI in all its ' wisdom is insisting Lee take on an assignment in three days ! ! ! What are they thinking of . . . ? ? " Admiral , Lee and I have been talking and there 's something that you should know about the accident . Lee remembers hearing three or four pops like gunshots before they lost control o the car . I 've been trying to get the police report , but they 're stonewalling me , sir . I know that you 've been trying too . … " " I 'm having the same problems , Chip . Well , if Lee thinks he heard gunshots , then we 'll go from there . We 'll launch our own investigation . I 'll get our own security people right away . " At 2400 hours , Nelson 's car stopped in front of Crane 's house . All the lights in the house were blazing . . . a very weary Nelson walked up the path and knocked loudly on the door . He heard voices , and Patterson answered the door . They walked into the Living Room , and sat facing each other . Patterson took the Admiral 's hat and coat , and handed him a mug of coffee . Nelson nodded his thanks to the enlisted man , and started talking to Morton . " I can 't ? Tell me sir , if I were just a simple Sub Captain , would I be on assignment for the ONI ? Would I have contacts all over the world in many different underground groups ? Would I have made so many enemies that I don 't even know half of them ? " He stood and started pacing the floor , " And then , there 's the Seaview and her status , and your work , sir , hardly an average Submariner 's career … . Can 't the two of you see . . . . If I wasn 't doing what I 'm doing . . . Cathy would be alive ! ! ! She 's dead because of me ! ! ! " " Lee , you 're not at fault . . . anymore than Chip , or I am . Cathy , God love her . . . knew and accepted , as much as you do , that with her job , came risks . She had Top Security Clearance , just as you do , She knew the ins and outs of your assignments and the Seaview 's as well as I did . Like the rest of us . . . she was at risk . . . always . " " I just can 't accept that , Admiral . . . Her job didn 't put her at risk . Mine did ! ! ! " " Lee , punishing yourself is not going to bring Cathy back to us , " his mother stood in the doorway with a tray of coffee in her hands . She put it on the table , and then stood in front of her son . Sternly , she said , " Lee Crane , you listen to me , now . . . ! ! ! " When he looked at her , she saw the total pain and defeat in his eyes and recognized it , too well ; she faltered for a moment , then she spoke , " I know how badly you 're feeling now , Lee , and I can 't promise you that it 's going to get better soon . . . it 's not . But I can tell you that you that you will learn to live with Cathy 's absence in your life , and in Robert 's . " She continued , " You and Cathy have a beautiful son , Lee . He 's going to need your strength and guidance in his life and you can 't sink into self - pity . That 's easy , believe me , I know how easy it can be . . . I think that Admiral Nelson will agree with me . You don 't want to do anything now but feel sorry for yourself . You 're entitled to feel that way , but you can 't do that either , son . Too many people depend on you . Grieve for Cathy , miss her , but don 't die with her . You have a great many good things to live for , and the best one of all is upstairs , sound asleep in the nursery ! " " Your mother is right , Lee . I know how you are feeling . I 've been where you are now . . . but you are so much more fortunate than I was . You have family , friends and that little boy of yours . . . as your mother said , Lee , this is a horrible thing and you 've suffered , a horrible , horrible loss . . . but you 're not to blame for it . . . and you have to go on . Every one in this room , in this house , needs you in some way . I can guarantee that much in your life . No one . . . nothing can replace what you and Cathy shared , and right now , none of us can share in the pain of your loss . We all lost someone dear to our hearts today . . . everyone that your wife touched , and she touched many , will carry a part of her with them . I would give my whole being for this not to have happened . . . but it did , and now you and the rest of us have to go on . . . there aren 't any options here ! ! ! " " Yes , sir . Chip told me some of them . Angie has Cathy 's dress whites to take to the . . . Funeral Home in the morning . I have no idea about readings at the service . . . or music either , sir . . . . " " But there is one thing I do know . . . I 've thought about this a great deal . I don 't want this to be a dark and somber service . That isn 't . . . wasn 't Cathy . . . She was light , and joy and sparkle . . . I want her service to show that . . . I can miss her , I will always love her , but I don 't want her to be remembered sadly . I want her remembered with joy , and light and sparkle … . " His mother sat on the edge of the couch and put her arm around his shoulders , " She would like that Lee . . . celebrate her life . . . not her death . . . " Lee stood , " Maybe I 'll have a better idea in the morning , what I want read and sung . . . I think Jamie 's sedative must be kicking in . . . all of a sudden , I am very tired . . . Excuse me … . " With that , he went up the stairs , and closed the door to their room . There was little else for anyone to say of do , so they all began to take their leave . Morton was taking Angie home , Nelson was returning to the Institute , and taking Sharkey and Kowalski back to Seaview with him . Mrs . Crane was making arrangements for the two sailors to sleep in the Living Room , since she was using the guest room . They had all agreed to meet here in the morning at 0900 , and as they all left , one by one all the lights in the little house went out , save the one in the upstairs bedroom . " ' Morning , Lee , " she looked carefully at him . He was wearing his uniform khakis and was clean shaven . Except for the dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep , he looked better than he had the day before . " I had you . . . . I focused all my energy on you . . . you were all I had , there weren 't any family and friends to help us . You have so much more , friends , family , your career , your boat . . . . and of course , there 's Robert . . . your beautiful Robert . You will come through his . . . you will . " She walked him into the kitchen and Patterson and Rodriguez jumped up , and came to attention . " As you were , men , " he settled uneasily into their chairs and he took another seat at the table . Under ordinary circumstances , neither man would have been uncomfortable with their Captain . . . but these were not ordinary circumstances . They very quickly excused themselves , thanked Mrs . Crane , and left the room to post themselves at the front door . Helen Crane handed her son a cup of coffee and left the room . He sat at the table staring into the cup . He didn 't hear her come back into the room . She tapped him on the shoulder and as he turned , she handed him Robert . The baby was wide awake and looking solemnly at his father . Lee couldn 't help but to smile back at his son . His face , his smile , his personality were so like Cathy 's . Helen handed him a bottle and he sat back and gave the baby the bottle . Lee watched every move that the baby made . . . the baby 's dark eyes watched him back intently . The baby finished his bottle , Lee sat still holding him , as he now slept contentedly in his father 's arms . How much like Cathy he looks . He remembered the day that Robert had been born . . . doctors and nurses were checking the baby , and making Cathy comfortable , and then they handed him the baby . He put him into Cathy 's arms , and the two of them had carefully counted every toe and finger as all new parents are wont to do . Cathy had been exhausted but the pure joy in her face made him want to burst with the love for her and their son . She 'd looked up at him . " Look , Lee , isn 't he perfect . ? ? Didn 't I tell you that our baby would be a son ! ! I knew it ! ! " They 'd laughed , and the baby started to cry and the nurse stood by as Cathy had begun to nurse him . … Lee looked at the sleeping baby in his arms , " Well , Robert , It looks like it 's you and me now . . . I 'm sorry that you 'll never know your mother in person , but I promise you that you 'll know how much she loved you , and how much we loved each other . It 's not going to be easy on either one of us , but your Grandmother and the Admiral are right about one thing , we will get through this because of the love of our family and friends , as well as your mother 's love . . . She 's always going to be with us , Robert . . . every day for the rest of our lives . … " He kissed the baby gently on the forehead , and then looked up to see Helen Crane standing and watching them and crying , " Mom . . . , please . . . don 't . . . I . . . need your strength . . . right now . . . I 'm just afraid that I 'm going to fail Cathy if I don 't do this right . . . and worse . . . fail this little guy . " The doorbell rang . Helen leaned over and took the baby from his arms . He rose and they walked to the foot of the stairs . Morton and Angie stood in the foyer and as they came in Angie walked over to Helen , " How 's my godson . . . ? " " Sleeping contentedly , right now . . . " She smiled at Cathy 's friend , " Why don 't you come up with me and we 'll get him settled for a nap . " They went up the stairs . Patterson had taken Morton 's coat and hat . The doorbell rang again . Harriman Nelson entered accompanied by his sister , Edith . She pushed her brother aside , and ran to Crane , and wrapped her arms around him , crying , " Oh , Lee , I 'm so sorry . . . ! ! ! I don 't know what else to say . . . Cathy . . . Cathy was such a . . . special girl . . . I . . . " She couldn 't help but laugh , " Harry 's easy to handle , when you realize that all he does is bark , not bite . I told Cathy that many times . You were very lucky , Lee . She loved you and Robert so very much . . . I 'm going to miss her ! ! " The three men sat down , and Nelson grew not serious , but almost ominous . " Lee , I know that this isn 't going to be easy , but ONI has a mission for us to undertake . . . in two days . They are . . . adamant about your participation . . . . and to be quite frank with you , I don 't think that you should go . On the other hand , this may be a link to Cathy 's . . . accident and I think that you may want to be in on the kill so to speak … . " Crane 's face was a study in conflicting emotions . Anger and grief mixed together . He wanted to get the people that had destroyed his private world . But do I want to do this now ? " Of course , I want to , sir . . . I want to get the bastards that killed my wife . . . However I 've a lot to take care of here , first . . . " To Lee Crane the next two days went quickly . Nelson wasn 't able to get the ONI to put off the date of departure , but he did get the time of the departure changed . Seaview was to depart at 2200 hours Thursday evening . At least it gave them some additional time to prepare and plan . The viewing and the Mass were to be private ; the number of people that attended one or both events overwhelmed him . He had known that Cathy was well liked , even loved by those who knew her , but from the most important to the average person , all were eager to share their memories of her and to cry over her loss . Sacks of condolence letters and telegrams poured into the Institute , from the White House on down . Nelson set up a staff just to deal with the responses . And all the flowers that came to the Funeral Home required a separate room just for the overflow . Part of his mind , the part that was the rational observer to all of this , was glad that Cathy 's father , Colonel F . X . Connors had not to come for his daughter 's funeral . He had recently undergone a quintuple bypass surgery and his doctor had refused to allow him to travel . Uncharacteristically , Connors had listened to his doctor . Lee believed that the man couldn 't face the loss and by not being there , he wouldn 't have to acknowledge it until he was ready . Lee realized what an impact Cathy had had on many people , and it made her absence even more painful . Everyone at the viewing was kind , and caring , and concerned about him and Robert , but Lee just wanted it to be over , so he could grieve alone . He wouldn 't allow the coffin to be opened . He wanted Cathy to be remembered as she was when she was alive . . . and photos of her were placed around the room . She was happy and smiling full of life . That was how he wanted her remembered . Helen Crane had stayed at home with Robert , having told Angie that the girl belonged with Nelson and Chip to help Lee . Crane returned to his home late that night , his heart heavy . All he wanted to do was to spend time alone with his son , their son . He found his mother in the baby 's room . She looked up when he came in , " He 's such a good baby , Lee . . . he reminds me of you at his age , but he 's much more even tempered that you . Even at this age , you were a moody little one . " Lee laughed , and it felt good to laugh after the last few days . He picked up the baby , " More even tempered ? I thought that I was the perfect baby , Mom , I didn 't think I gave you any trouble at all . " " I was putting him down as you came in . Why don 't you do it , Lee ? I 'll go downstairs , and make us some coffee . I think we 'll be having a long night . " She left the room . He laid the baby down n his crib , took off his jacket and tie , turned down the lights and stood at the crib . Cathy had such plans for this baby and the larger family that they had planned to have . Well now he 'd have to see the plans were carried out , even if Cathy wasn 't going to be a part of it . But now he had to think . Robert needed some one to take care of him , daily , especially when he was on the boat . He looked at his son . . . their son . . . the baby was asleep . He sat in the rocker and watched the baby . An hour or so later , he came down into the kitchen . Helen Crane was busying herself in the kitchen , and when he came in she turned , " Coffee , Lee . . . ? " He nodded and sat at the table . As she poured it for him , he asked , " Can you stay , Mom ? At least until this mission is over ? " " I 'm closing the house in Providence , Lee . My sister will take care of the details . I 'll stay as long as you and Robert need me . " " Hush . . . Lee , there 's nothing in the East for me but memories . Any life I can have is here , now , with you and my grandson . Any other decisions can wait . I 'll be here to help , if you need me . " Lee , we have more information from ONI . At least I know now why they planned on using you for this mission . " He handed Crane a manila folder , and as his Captain read it , he continued , " It seems that in a certain Eastern European country , the only underground contact that we have is one of your contacts . They will only deal with you and they have information that we need . The information is regarding the development of nuclear capability in that country . Very Top Secret , and it 's you or no one to retrieve it . " " It 's alright , sir . . . I will go on the mission . Cathy would be the last person to stop me . In fact , knowing the importance , she 'd have my bags packed and be shoving me out the door . " I 'm sure , sir . Any mission we pull for the ONI is dangerous . I 'll be fine , sir . . . and everything here is in order . My mother is going to stay here with Robert ; Chip and Angie have agreed to his guardianship in case something happens to me . It 's all arranged . " " Wishing won 't bring Cathy back , Admiral . . . it won 't change what 's taken place . . . It won 't change what needs to be done , and time , well , time is something we don 't have , sir , not with the people that we 're dealing with . If they thought that killing Cathy would stop me , they 're going to be sadly mistaken . And perhaps very surprised . " " Lee , after the service tomorrow , we 're going to announce that you 're going into seclusion . Your mother and Robert with you . . . . I want the other side to believe that you are so devastated by this that you can 't function . I hate to use Cathy 's death in this way , but it will help to mislead them . Have your mother pack a bag for the baby and herself . I want to take the three of you in one car back here to the Institute grounds . We 're going to use one of the cottages on the cliff , you know the ones that we use for visiting dignitaries . . . the three of you will be staying there , only during the night , you 'll leave and make your way to Seaview . We 'll have one of the men from security with your build and coloring stay with them , and masquerade as you . No one can get on the grounds , and near you at all , so the other side will believe that you haven 't left with the Seaview and that should throw them off at least for a while . And your mother and Robert will be safe . " " I know that , Lee . And I promise you , they will be safe . . . we 'll make sure of it . No more senseless loss . . . " The next day was probably the most difficult day that Lee Crane had ever faced . In all of his dreams , fantasies , or worst nightmares , he never thought he 'd be burying his young wife . The Mass , however joyful it was , and it was a celebration of her life … tore at his soul . It shouldn 't be Cathy ! ! ! It just shouldn 't be ! He felt like he was going thru the motions of being there , but his heart and soul weren 't there . They were in the coffin in the church aisle . The church was packed with people and the ceremony at the gravesite was just as crowded . She had been in the Naval Reserve , so she received a military funeral , with a 21 gun salute , and Taps . Then an Honor Guard was handing him a flag and shaking his hand and saying the words of condolence he 'd heard so often the last few days ; people were leaving . . . and then the only ones left were his mother and the baby , Nelson , Morton and Angie . He bent down and put a hand on the coffin . " Oh , Cats . . . If only things were different . . . I 'm so sorry . . . I love you , Cats . . . always and forever . . . Don 't worry about Robert . . . I 'll take good care of him . . . you know I will . . . " " Lee , this isn 't good . You have to come with us now . Helen and the baby need to rest . You have to get them settled in the cottage . " Numbly , Lee rose and let them guide him to the waiting limousines . Mrs . Crane and Robert were waiting in the limo , when Nelson and Chip guided Crane into the car . She reached out to him , but pulled back when she saw his face . She recognized that look of utter loss . She knew it well . She had seen it on her own face in the mirror when she had lost her husband . It 's all over , it 's so final . Cathy . . . I 'll never hold you in my arms again . . . never feel you next to me . . . we won 't watch Robert grow up together . . . We won 't grow old together . . . God , how I miss you . . . . Lee knew he couldn 't go to that private place , if for no other reason . Cathy wouldn 't want him to . She would want him to go on and live his life ; to raise their son . . . to be with their friends and loved ones and to do his duty to the Admiral , the Seaview , the ONI and all his other commitments . . . and to keep her in that private part of his mind and heart . " I 'm OK , Admiral . Just feeling like a boat without a rudder . . . I just have to hope that I can find one . . . . " His mother took the baby from his arms . " Lee , I want you to come to Seaview at 2400 hours . That will give us plenty of time to ready the boat and make our plans . I don 't have to tell you that you can 't be seen leaving the cottage . " They arrived at the Institute gates , and were quickly waved through . They arrived at a row of cottages , at the far end of the Institute grounds . A half - dozen tiny bungalows , left over from the ' 30 's , and designed as beach cottages , sat on the edge of the lawn , 1 / 2 mile from the main buildings , overlooking the ocean . They were small but charming little buildings with two bedrooms , a sitting room and a kitchen and were kept by the Institute as guest housing . With the worldwide recognition of NIMR , many scientists were often present for months on end and the cottages offered convenience and privacy . There was a great deal of activity at the center cottage as the limousine pulled up . Nelson was the first out of the car , followed by Crane , his mother and the baby . Baby furniture was being carried in by burly sailors ; Patterson and Rodriguez were already standing duty at the door . Nelson 's other secretary , Trish , was stocking the refrigerator and the cabinets . There were baby supplies all over the sitting area . It was a chaotic scene . Lee remembered the many hours he and Cathy had spent on this beach . They had discovered it as a private place in the midst of the hustle of their unusual lives . It was close enough to come to even if they only had a few hours together between missions and duty watches . They would often meet at one of their offices in the main building and then wander over to here . They would walk and talk and sit and watch the ocean . The sea played such a huge part in their daily lives . It was on this beach that they had finally admitted that they loved one another … it was to this beach that they came after breaking the news of their engagement to Nelson , Chip and Angie . . . it was here that they planned their wedding … and it was here that they came to introduce Robert to the sea and sky several weeks after he had been born . They wanted him to get to know the peace and serenity of the place . Fulfilled and complete was the way that the two of them felt after that night . Well , Cathy , here I am . I want to think that you 're somewhere out there . . . safe and happy . . . I hope so . You know that I want to be with you , Cats . . . but you and I know that I can 't be . The priest today said that it was your time to go to God ; that He needed you with Him in a greater way then we did . I can 't believe that He needs you more than we do . That it was time for you to leave the baby and me . I still need you so much ! ! ! Robert needs you . I miss your touch , your smile . . . the feel of you near me . Why did you have to leave me now ? ? ? I know it wasn 't your choice , but that doesn 't help m . I don 't believe that I have ever felt so alone , Cats . Sounds funny , doesn 't it ? Alone with all these people around me . I know they care , they worry , they even love . . . but I am still alone without you . I can 't believe that you 're gone from me forever , Cats . I guess it will take a long time for me to accept it . But last night , in the nursery . . . I would have sworn that you were standing there , next to me , at the crib . . . looking down at our sleeping son . I could almost feel you there , I even turned around to check . . . but you weren 't there , were you ? Are you nearby at all , Cathy ? Are you watching over Robert even now ? Will you be with him when I 'm not ? This is so difficult , Cats . I don 't know , Cats . . . I hope that it all works out . Without you here , I have my doubts . I know that I have to say goodbye to you and let you go , but I 'm just not ready for that yet . Please just stay with me a little while longer … . For the first time since the nightmare had begun , he felt at peace with himself . He walked back to the cottage . Things seemed more settled now . Helen Crane had a pot of coffee on the table ( It seemed to him that his mother had always had a pot of coffee on the table . ) Nelson , Chip , and Angie sat in the little sitting room . The baby was asleep in the bedroom . Lee sat in a free chair . He was more relaxed and at ease than he 'd been in the last few days . He could put his sorrow and loneliness aside , and now focus on the mission that was ahead . " Admiral , the plans , sir . . . ? " " First , is to get you to the boat . . . how is strictly up to you . We need you there at 2400 hours . We sail tomorrow at 2200 hours . You have to remain out of sight at the dock until we leave . We 'll have to meet in your cabin and restrict the crew to the boat , once you are onboard . " " I really don 't know . . . I 'll try to arrange an earlier debark . This whole thing has to be carefully choreographed ; especially if we want to keep them believing that you are here at the Institute . The underground there obviously has a leak , if this whole nightmare is any indication of their security . " " I concur . Chip , let 's get out of here , and make it look like we 're getting to the boat without Lee . You 'll be at the boat in 8 hours , Lee ? " " Aye sir , " Lee walked them to the door of the tiny bungalow . . and they made a show of leave taking . . . Morton was to take Angie to the offices . . . the Admiral going right to the boat . Crane closed the door , and sat again in the small sitting room . " Oh , yes , and those two nice young sailors . . . I just can 't do anything without one or the both of them trying to help . Robert and I will be fine . I just hope you will be . " Lee stood and put his arms about her , " It 's going to take some time , I think , and I 'm not even used to the idea yet that Cathy won 't be here when we return , but for now , as long as Robert is alright , I 'll be okay . " Lee gave her a kiss on the cheek and went into the room that she would soon be sharing with the baby . Robert was snuggled in a corner of the crib . Lee stood there just looking at his son . There was so much of Cathy in him , now . . . would that change as he grew ? He reached down and held a tiny fist . . . so small . . . so helpless . … Cats , I hope that you 're here . . . now , . . . watch over him until I return . . . I love you both so very much ! ! ! At 2345 hours a shadow - figure slipped out of the cottage . The night was with him . . . there was a low cloud cover , and no moon … He moved along the cottage , and down to the beach , and made his way along the beach to the cove where Seaview 's dock was . As he made his way along the sub , undetected , he made a mental note to again chastise the Chief of Security for his laxness . He was able to get onto the boat , and into the Control Room without being challenged for the second time in his experience with ' his ' boat . As he landed in the Control Room and turned around , he found a ' welcoming ' committee waiting , armed . " Very well . . . Mr . O ' Brien . . . I want the security detail tightened , especially while we 're berthed , even here at the Institute . No one , not even me , should be able to get near to her , much less board her . I am gong to be in the Admiral 's cabin if I 'm needed . . . and no one is to leave the boat from this point on . . . . all officers and crew are restricted to the boat ! ! ! " " No , Lee , not at all . . . O ' Brien put me wise . You tried your ' see if I can get aboard and not get caught trick ' and you did . O ' Brien thinks that you 're about to have his head . " " Supervising the loading of some equipment we need for the mission . We leave here at 1800 hours . The contact that we are supposed to get the information from is a Czech by the name of Ivan Podenski . " Crane looked at the O . O . M . with a bit of surprise on his face , " No wonder they are going to do all they can to stop the exchange of information . He was my only contact in the government . . . and directly a part of the defense ministry . He will have accurate information . Until now , I was the only one to know that he was a sympathizer to the West . Are we going to bring him out ? " " That 's one of the reasons he will only see you . Washington feels that if he wants asylum , we give it to him and leave the area immediately . If his information is valid . . . even better . . . but ONI believes that only you can pull this off . He wants to defect , but quite frankly he is afraid . " " I know why , sir . Several years ago , Podenski had a very good friend who chose to defect to the West . He was caught , publicly tortured for several days , and then he was killed . . . . It was quite a warning to the underground at the time . Very little information came out until about a year ago . . . since then Podenskl 's been our only contact . If he doesn 't want to leave , then what do we do ? Take the information and run ? " " And if he won 't be convinced ? There 's always the option to take him . . . then we could be sure of the information . Of course , ONI would need to approve such a plan . " " Aye , sir . I 'll get into uniform and be back here in twenty minutes . . . . Admiral , perhaps , just as an extra precaution . . . why don 't we hold the plan to take Podenski with us until we reach the area . . . then send it scrambled and secured ? That way we gain more time and allow us some leeway in the progress of the operation . I really don 't want to take chances with Podenski 's life if I don 't have to . " Fortunately , for all involved , Seaview ran as an efficient boat . Little had to be said or done to get her ready to get underway . She was , due to her crew and their loyalty , always at the ready , unless she was having major repairs . In short order , her extra materials were loaded , supplies loaded , and systems checked . Precisely 1800 hours , she slid out of her berth , onto her next mission * * * Nelson finally spoke to him after several complete watches passed , " Lee . . . Chip tells me that you 've been all over the boat at all times . I know why you are doing this . . . believe me , I do , but I need to point a few things out to you . You need to be in top form for this mission , with your senses sharp , and your wits about you . I know that you are running on your reserves , and you need them for the mission . . . so , here are your orders . . . as of right now , you are temporarily relieved of duty . You are to report to Dr . Jamison in Sick Bay , and you will be confined to either the Sick Bay or your quarters for the next 14 hours . You will accept some medication to help you sleep , and you will not consult with Morton on the running of this boat unless it is an emergency that we seek you out . Chip has his orders , and they are just as strict as yours . Neither of you are to consult with each other at all . " His tone changed to a friendlier one , " I know that this is hard on you , Lee . . . I know that the reason that you are all over the boat , is that you can 't or don 't want to sleep . . . I understand . . . but you do need to be at your best for the mission to be a success . Try and sleep , Lee , with Doc 's help . . . and remember . . . you can talk to me … " Crane ran fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture . He knew that he wasn 't at his best . Nelson was right , he needed his sleep , but he didn 't want to sleep . When he tried to sleep , he dreamt of the accident . . . and Cathy . . . and that didn 't give him the peace he was seeking at this time . " I know , sir . . . I just don 't want to sleep right now , " he sat at the table facing the Admiral . " How can I rest when all I dream of is the accident ? All I see is Cathy lying on that table in the Med Center . . . . " He left the Observation Nose and headed down the corridor to the Sick Bay , and entered the outer room to find Jamison waiting for him . Doc handed him the Sick Bay issue robe and pajamas , and Crane moved to the curtained area , and changed into them . He came out and sat on the treatment table . Jamison did a cursory check , " Skipper , I think that it 's best that you stay here . . . this is a pretty strong sedative , and I want to keep and eye on you . . . it should allow you to sleep for 10 to 14 hours . " Doc took a hypodermic needle from the cabinet , and filled it from a small vial . Doc pushed up Crane 's sleeve and gave him the needle . . . when he finished , he took the Captain by the arm and led him to bunk . " Here , sir . . . you should sleep for a good while . " Ten minutes later , Nelson knocked lightly and entered a darkened Sick Bay . Jamison was sitting at his desk . . . a single light on . " Come in sir . . . please sit down . " " On the verge of severe exhaustion . If he can sleep for the ten to 14 hours we 've allowed him , it should help . I just don 't understand why he had to go on this mission right now . He needs time to grieve , Admiral , to begin to put his life in order again . . . to spend time with his son . . . to start to heal . He can 't do it with a task like this in front of him . " following John Phillips untimely death . She 'd been a burst of energy in the Institute . Organized , efficient , bright . . . everything that the O . O . M . needed in an Executive Assistant . She was good at bossing Nelson around , too . Lee had been waiting to see him , when she had burst into the office , passed him acknowledged Angie , and began to give the Admiral her own version of a tongue lashing for not signing some papers or another about some funding of a Project . Lee had heard every word that she 'd said … . She handed Nelson the paperwork , he quickly skimmed them and then signed them with a flourish . " There , happy now ? " he asked her with a smile on his face . " Until the next time . After your meeting with the Captain , you have a meeting at 1300 hours with the ONI office , and at 1500 with the heads of the Research departments , here . You have to allocate the funding for the new project . . . your work related to Admiral Falk 's air mixture research and the Seaview dive . . . " Crane continued to dream . . . or remember . . . all that his conscious mind wouldn 't call up . . . all the very good times and all the very bad . They 'd weathered so much together . . . and now there was no more together . . . Cathy was gone . . . she was gone … . In Sick Bay , Jamison hovered near the bunk where Crane was sleeping . He was concerned about the Captain . . his sleep was a restless one , not the deep dreamless sleep that he 'd tried to induce . He had a real concern for the Captain 's peace of mind and his ability to function in the stress of this mission . In his professional opinion , Lee Crane was not ready for the current mission . But he was not consulted . . . so all he could do was to see that the Skipper was as ready as he could make him . " Admiral . . . this is Sick Bay . . . The Skipper is waking up sir . . . you wanted to be informed . … " " Admiral , I want to go on record as being strongly against the Captain 's participation in this mission . . . I just don 't feel he is medically ready for the mission . He 's been thru a great deal . . . I am worried about his stability . … " Crane sat up slowly in the bunk , " He 's stable enough , Doc . . . I 'm much better , thank you . I just needed some sleep , and thanks to you , I got some . I really do feel better . . ! ! " He swung his legs onto the floor and stood , " Admiral , what 's the ETA to the landing site ? And , " he grinned , " the condition of MY boat . . . ? Do I have the doctor 's permission to speak to my Exec ? " He turned back to the two men in the Doctor 's office , " Doc , if I have your okay , I 'll retire to my quarters to change and shower . Admiral , we need to finalize the landing plans . I 'll report to your quarters in a half hour . " " I know that you heard what Jamie had to say in the Sick Bay . You know that we have been very worried about your state of mind . . . dealing with Cathy 's death , knowing it was the result of some work that either you or she was involved with . Your concern about your son … . and then ONI throwing this mission at you . We can still abort it , Lee . . . there 's no reason on the earth to continue if you don 't feel able to go through with it . " I know all of that sir , and I know that I can call this off in a minute if I want . I don 't want to Admiral . Cathy was my life , my heart , and she 's dead , and I have to deal with that . We have son . He 's of Cathy that I have left . I intend to cherish him , love him , protect him with all that I am . . . by being part of Seaview , by working with you , ONI , and all that we do here . I am doing all of that for Robert . . . and for many others too . This mission is difficult ; I do wish I had more time to resolve this . But I don 't , and we can 't abort . So , what are the final plans ? Have we notified the underground of our arrival ? " " Sparks is set to notify them at 2330 hours when we reach the rendezvous point . They will have 30 minutes to respond and meet us . . . if not we leave . . . and Podenski takes his chances . If they meet us , then we go with them , and we have ten hours to return to the rendezvous point . If we do not return within the window , then Chip has orders to return to the States without us . The plan does depend on the relationship that you have with the man . If he trusts you enough , then you can convince him to return to the States with us , and he can deliver his information to the ONI himself . Needless to say , that 's what they 'd prefer . … " " Very well , sir . We will make the rendezvous and contact in 2 hours . The orders are very clear . I 'd like to go over the protocol with Chip . " " Aye , sir , Chip 's done the preflight check . Sharkey is below , waiting for us . . . he 'll stay with the sub while we 're ashore . She 's ready and waiting . " Crane went to the Radio Shack , and Sparks handed him a sheet of paper . He studied it carefully , and the returned to the Nose and Nelson , and put the paper on the table . " Confirmation from the underground , sir . They 'll meet us at the designated site in 20 minutes . Podenski is waiting to talk to us at undisclosed location . " " Yes , sir . If you and the Skipper don 't return in ten hours , we are to leave and return to the states . Good Luck . " The men came ashore in a secluded cove , in a rubber raft . The Flying Sub slid back under the water to await their return . Sharkey would keep her ready and waiting . Crane and Nelson stowed the raft , checked their equipment , and made their way to the cliff base . As they waited for their contacts to arrive , Nelson quietly studied Crane . To look at him at this moment , no one would possibly know what the young Captain had been through the last few days . He was as intent on their mission as he was at any time . They looked up when they heard movement in the rocks above . Both men became very still , and watched the cliff with care . Very slowly and carefully three men came out of the cliff base . They were heavily armed and warily looking around . He hesitated a bit , then said , " Well yes , I am , but not just yet . . . I must go back to the village to retrieve the information that I have promised your government . I did not bring it with me , for if you had not come , I would not be leaving so easily . I trust no one these days that I have not known for a long time . Come gentlemen , we have but a short trip into the town . " " As far as I know him , I 'd say yes . It 's not Ivan that I 'm concerned about . It 's the leak in the underground . If the leaders here know that he plans to defect , they could be setting a trap , for him and for us ! ! " Podenski turned quietly to Crane , " Wait here . . . I will return in twenty minutes . If I do not , then leave without me , you and your friend cannot be caught here . " " Thank you , my friend . . . " moved off into the darkness , and Crane hunkered down next to Nelson . They waited , tension keeping them to their own thoughts , with no desire to speak to one another . Twenty minutes went by the tension increased . They heard scuffling footsteps , and looked in the direction of the village path . Two men stumbled into the clearing . One fell and the other looked around for the Seaview 's men . Nelson and Crane came out of their hiding place , and Crane bent over the fallen man . The three men moved on , and Crane reached into his pockets to retrieve three small cylinders . He set them across the path and released a long almost invisible wire several feet behind that . He listened carefully , to determine how far the searchers were from his location . Doing his mental math , he calculated he would have to stay there at least three minutes more to make the ambush a success . He saw that the party had reached the beach , and Nelson had the rubber boat ready to go . Crane waited a little longer and as the first of the search party reached near to him , he yanked the wire , and the canisters exploded with smoke and noise . That set the dogs into a frenzy and allowed him to make his way to the beach . Those in the search party that were able look down at the beach and the men on it , and began firing at them . Firing his gun at the searchers , Crane adopted a run and hide tactic with their pursuers . He reached the beach , Nelson was gesturing for him to hurry . . . there were bullets flying everywhere … His fear was that one or more would strike the raft . . . and then , just a few feet short of the raft , as Lee turned to fire back again , he felt something slam into his chest . . . he knew he was hit . Nelson was reaching for him , and Lee was trying to get to the raft . He forced himself to stay conscious , to get to the raft , and with Nelson 's help and that of the others , he got in . But as they pushed from the shore , he collapsed into unconsciousness . Crane opened his eyes to Sharkey 's concerned face bending over him . He was in FS1 . He could see Nelson in the pilot 's seat , and he felt the movement of the sub as she sped along underwater . " He 's unconscious again , sir . . . I 've stopped the bleeding … but I think that Doc 's gonna ' have to take care of it right away . I can 't tell how deep the bullet went in or if it hit anything vital . " At least a dozen crewmen were waiting as the hatch opened . There were several Corpsmen with a stretcher , and Doc was waiting in the background . Nelson was the first one up the ladder , followed by the two informants . " Well , we got the man and the information . The fact that Lee 's been shot is not a factor to ONI . As far as they see it , the mission is successful . " He looked over toward the FS1 's hatch as the activity there increased . The Captain was gingerly carried up the ladder , and laid on the waiting stretcher . Doc began issuing orders and the stretcher was hurriedly carried out of the Control Room . Nelson knocked and entered Sick Bay . Jamison was bending over the gurney where the Captain lay . Nelson moved behind him . Corpsmen were scurrying back and forth around the room , as the Medic was barking orders . " He 's going to be fine , sir , but don 't get me wrong , it 's a serious wound . Barring complications , he 'll make a complete recovery . There was no major organ damage , the bullet bounced off the sixth rib , and lodged itself in the soft muscle tissue near his right shoulder . He 'll be pretty sore for a while , and it will hard for him to move around for a while , but he 'll be okay . " Startled , Nelson pulled himself up in the chair , " Oh , uh , thank you . . . I 'll be right there … . " He rubbed his eyes to clear them and mentally berated himself for falling asleep . He got up from the chair , and walked over to the treatment table . Jamison was bending over the Captain , checking monitors and vital signs . " Fine , Lee . . . Podenski 's been on the radio with ONI and they are very pleased with his information . We 're out of enemy waters and should arrive in Santa Barbara in five days . ONI also confirms that the leak in the underground helped to stage the attack that killed Cathy . I 'm sorry Lee , but they thought that you 'd be unable to be part of the mission if your wife was dead . " " He 'll be fine , sir . . . He should have a rapid recovery from the wound . . . all he needs after that is the time to recover from his loss . Strangely enough , this mission may have been a good thing for him . It taught him that he could go on and function , even though Cathy 's gone from him . . . . I believe that he will be okay . " " It 'll take some getting used to , Lee . . . but you 'll do it . . . we 'll all be here to help , when you need it . . . Now let 's get this ship berthed and give the men some liberty . . . They need it , I think . . . " Forty - five minutes later a lone figure walked to the row of cottages on the hill . Sailors standing guard in the doorway attempted to snap to attention , but Crane quickly waved them down . He gestured for them to be silent , and stepped up to the door , opened it , and walked into the cottage . Helen Crane was sitting in a chair , holding Robert and giving him a bottle . At the sound of the footsteps she looked up , saw him and almost dropped the baby 's bottle , " Lee . . . ! I didn 't expect you so soon ! " Her eyes fell on his arm in the sling , " What happened , Lee ? The message that Angie gave me was that your mission was a success . She didn 't say that you 'd been hurt ! ! " " I 'm okay , Mom . Took a bullet in the chest at the rendezvous . Jamie took care of it . . . I 'm just a little slow at getting things done . It 'll be two or three weeks before I 'm back to full speed . I 'm okay , really . . . here , let me hold Robert . " He sat in a chair , and took the baby from Helen . The baby sat in his father 's lap and looked at him , pulling at the black sling , and Crane gently took the tiny fist from the cloth . The baby looked up at him , and Lee smiled back at him , " You know , Robert , you look so much like your Mom … . " The baby was pulling at the buttons on his Uniform jacket . " She hasn 't been gone very long , and I miss her so much . . . but then I look at you and see her . Little guy , you and I have a lot of talking to do . " He hugged the baby and held him close . He looked at Helen , " Could you take him , for a minute ? It 's a little difficult to do things one armed … . " She picked up the baby from his lap . . . he held onto the brim of his father 's cap . Lee stood and shrugged the Uniform jacket off on shoulder and then , with a certain amount of difficulty slid his arm out of the sling and slid the jacket off . He slid the arm back into the sling and then reached again for the baby . . . " There , that 's a little more comfortable . . . c ' mon , Robert . . . let 's get reacquainted . . . . " The baby gurgled happily and sat on his father 's lap . Lee watched every move that the infant made , and after a while looked again at his mother , " How was he while we were gone . . . what did he do ? Anything that I 'd want to especially know about ? " " Well , Robert , here we are . . . just you and me … . " The baby looked up at his father with a curious look . Crane continued . " I know you don 't understand a word I 'm saying , but that 's okay , someday you will . Your Mom and I had a lot of plans for you . We were looking forward to watching you grow up , and sharing all of the milestones and the mundane moments in your life together . Well , even though you don 't know it now , it isn 't going to be that way . Certain forces in the world have seen to that . I will be sure that you know your Mom , Robert . I will be sure that you know her and love her as much as I do right now , at this moment . We are very lucky , you and I . We have good friends , like the Admiral and Chip and your grandmother , well she 's here for the duration . . . they all tell us we 'll get thru this and for the first time since Cathy died , I believe that they may be right . I hope so . " The baby snuggled in closer to him … he was falling asleep . Crane looked down at the drowsy head , and a smile crept across his face , " Too much for you , eh , little guy ? Well , don 't worry . . . I 've made a promise that you will be well taken care of and I intend to keep that promise . In Santa Barbara California , a distinguished older man was waiting in the lobby of the Nelson Institute of Marine Research . A young junior officer approached him . " Admiral , sir . . . if you would follow me ? " He nodded , and followed the younger man . As they passed through the corridor , the Admiral looked around at the walls . Pictures and awards lined them . He paused before a huge portrait of Harriman Nelson , with the Seaview and Flying Sub in the background . The officer looked at the older man , " Scuttlebutt has it he was quite a man … " " Thank you , " the admiral knocked , once , lightly and opened the door . A tall young officer is standing at the window looking down over the docks . He turned . " I think the Admiral would be very proud of her , Robert . As I am so very proud of you . You 've done a great number of things here at the Institute that we all are very proud of . Is Chip coming for the christening of the Nelson ? " Crane smiled , " It will be good to see them all again . How about a private tour for your old man , son ? I 'd like to get a good look at the Admiral 's namesake before the crowds arrive . " Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea " ® and its characters , indicia and designs are trademarks of Irwin Allen Properties , LLC . © Irwin Allen Properties , LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation . All rights reserved . |
He is content to lie on the floor and play with toys , if only his brute of a sister Annie would let him . I have no idea how to keep her off him so he can have some space to exercise . He can roll belly - to - back and back - to - belly . He raises himself high up on his hands and can scootch in circles , but not forward or backward . He loves to play with his feet and hands as much as any toy . He drools incessantly and gnaws on anything he can grab and put in his mouth . He holds his hands out to be held now . I thought it was only for me , but his grandpa mentioned he did it for him too . He is excited and happy to see anyone who loves him , not just me . He smiles and laughs at his sisters . He 's already learned that Karen is the favorite auntie ( on Tim 's side ) . His little face lights up when he sees her too , and he laughs at her sometimes when she talks to him . He loves it when we play with him . I have all kinds of fun at his expense and he doesn 't mind . After a diaper change , I might smell his foot , gasp and say , " Stinky ! " while pushing it to the side . I do that a few times in a row and he smiles , coos , babbles and makes high - pitched happy noises . I pick him up and play ' drool monster ' with his sisters , holding him over them so he can drop slobbery bombs on them . They love the suspense of waiting for that long string of slobber to finally break , and seeing where it ends up falling . I wanted to talk about his routine , and I 'm finding it to be impossible . There is no typical day or night for him , and hasn 't been for several weeks . I thought after reading Goodnight , Sleep Tight 10 times , and having Annie 's babyhood be such a breeze , I was some kind of baby - rearing expert . It turns out not at all , and I don 't know what to do about Timmy . His nighttime sleep has gone down the toilet . He goes down with no problem as long as I use his Miracle Blanket , but he is up around three or four times a night . The last two times are usually around 5 and 6 : 30 . He might go back to sleep after that , but the girls are raring to go at 7 , and I 'm feeling like a zombie . In a desperate bid for more time in bed , I showed Delaney last night how to prepare breakfast for herself and her sister . ( She felt proud to be charged with doing a big kid job and did pretty well for day 1 , even telling her sister to be quiet . I didn 't intervene until about 7 : 20 when I heard her talking about how she was going to make chocolate milk . ) During the day , naps are whenever I can get him to take one , and they 've been lasting a measly half hour to 45 minutes lately . Sleep training in any form is out of the question for the time being . I jump up and get him at the first whimper so he doesn 't wake up the whole house . Then we 'll be traveling back to NC in a couple weeks , Tim will be coming back a couple weeks later ( YAY ! ) , and a couple weeks after that we 'll be going to Ohio for a few days . It will be awhile before things really settle down for us , and there 's a good time to start using the sleep - shaping techniques that have worked so well for me in the past . Until then , I 'll survive . People say it all the time , but it really does go by quickly . Christmas was in almost every way perfect . After an early afternoon nap , we got dolled up for Mass and the Christmas Eve party at Aunt Jayne 's immediately following . As soon as everyone was dressed , it was picture time . Quick - - while everyone is still looking pretty , hair 's still fixed , and all clothing is in place ! We went to Mass at St . Peter 's , where Tim and I were married and Delaney was baptized . We got there early so we could sit . The kids were well - behaved , and Timmy fell asleep on Karen 's shoulder . Hearing the beautiful Christmas songs and looking at our happy kids all dressed up , made me overwhelmed with gratitude for all we have , but also brought tears to my eyes . I fought them back the whole time because I was so grateful for this good life we have , but sad because I wanted Tim to be here . Soon ! As we left the church , we stopped to say hi to Father Jim , a family friend . He gave Timmy a blessing . We went straight to Aunt Jayne 's house . Jayne is Tim 's mom 's sister , and this was a gathering of e - e - e - everybody on that side of the family . Before long the house was bursting at the seams . The girls ran off to play with their cousins , Timmy greeted his admirers , and I ate lots of shrimp cocktail and cheese and crackers . As usual , I was starving . Soon after , I fed Timmy and laid him down on a folded quilt in Jayne 's bedroom . I laid down next to him for a few minutes because he was a little unsure at first whether he wanted to be there . I felt the vibrations of kids jumping around , and heard muffled laughter and conversation . This is what Timmy would be feeling and hearing in his sleep the whole rest of the night until it was time to go home . It was very soothing . I could have almost gone to sleep myself . We ate a delicious dinner , sang Christmas carols , and opened gifts . I took a lot of pictures and videos with my phone and sent them to Tim throughout , so he could see them first thing when he woke up . I was so glad that he could glimpse the smiles and the look of wonder on the girls ' faces as everybody sang . This will be one of the first Christmases they remember , and it will be a great memory . We didn 't leave until close to 10 . Everybody was exhausted . The kids all fell asleep in the car on the way home . They still wanted one story at bedtime , so I read them their Hallmark recordable storybook , The Night Before Christmas , read by their daddy . Karen and I ran around the house trying to restore order to the chaos . After making sure everything was in place , I fell into bed around midnight . Between Timmy waking up numerous times , and mysterious noises , it was not a restful night for me . Timmy woke up at 6 : 30 , and Annie came running out at as soon as the clock turned yellow at 7 , searching for Chippy the elf , forgetting that he had gone back to the North Pole with Santa . Delaney slept in until 7 : 30 . We opened all the presents from Santa and my family , and Tim 's parents came over . We both wanted to help Delaney with her new puzzle , but there was a lot of confusion . I joked that as soon as we left her alone , she 'd probably finish it herself in two minutes . She did . We spent the rest of the day grazing on fruit and breakfast foods , playing with the kids and their many new toys , and trying to take a nap ( me ! ) . Then we had dinner at Tim 's parents . It was a laid - back day , just the way Christmas Day should be . Posted by A couple weeks ago , I was upstairs in the loft , where Timmy and I sleep . Adjoining the loft is a bathroom and the bedroom where the girls sleep . It was afternoon , I think , and I was waking up from a much - needed nap . The girls were at their grandparents ' house and Timmy was still napping . As I sat there stretching and working up the motivation to get out of bed , I heard it . It was a series of small thumps . I couldn 't pinpoint the origin of the noise . It wasn 't the sound of a house settling . It wasn 't caused by the wind . It seemed to come from nowhere , but at the same time everywhere . I sat there , sleepy and confused , but suddenly alert . What was that ? I briefly thought maybe it could be the neighbors in the next condo , but the walls are soundproof between the condos . I never hear a peep from the neighbors on either side . Instinctively I knew it wasn 't a neighbor or even a human , but after thinking about it for a few moments and coming up with no explanation , I dismissed it from my mind . I forgot all about it until last night . Karen and I were chatting long after the kids had gone to bed . I don 't remember what the conversation was leading up to this , but she said , " Did I tell you my house is haunted ? " I looked at her agape . Before I could even ask the question , she told me , " It 's Cosmo . My dead cat is haunting my house . " She went on to tell me about the unexplained noises she 's been hearing in the year since she had to put Cosmo down - - like something is running around upstairs and loud crashes that are completely out of place and have no apparent cause . I told her what I had heard , and she nodded , not surprised at all . She told me that one night , while her parents , sister Sam , and Sam 's two daughters were staying at the condo during the blizzard of Halloween , there was one such loud noise . Sam looked at Karen and said , " What was that ? " Karen said , " You heard it too ? " Sam headed upstairs muttering , " Ugh , those girls . . " She went into the bedroom , prepared to tell her girls to knock it off . They were sound asleep . " I know ! " I gasped . " I remember on the morning of my wedding day , I woke up in that room upstairs and there was that darn cat looking down at me from the dresser . " I had no idea how long he 'd been up there watching me sleep . It creeped me out . When I came downstairs telling her about it , Karen said , " That 's Cosmo 's territory up there . He 's not used to anyone else being there . " " Oh no , Cosmo was crazy in a mean way , " Karen said . " He bit me all the time for no reason . He did not have good intentions . " So much for that . Karen said that Cosmo was insane from the time he was a kitten . She had him for 12 years . Whenever he went to the vet , he had to be sedated . She was scared to bring him that last time , but his health had been failing for awhile . When she saw him that day lying on the rug in front of her bathroom , the rug discolored from the oil his body was oozing , she knew it was time . A friend met her at the veterinary hospital after work to give her support . Cosmo was ornery even to the end . The vet was scared to approach him and Karen was afraid to see him one last time . At Karen 's friend 's suggestion , Cosmo was given " kitty Valium " so that she could see him and say goodbye . It was a late night . As Karen sat at home later feeling exhausted and emotionally drained , her phone rang . It was the friend who had accompanied her to the vet , telling her that on her way home , she had seen an orange and white cat in the road . Cosmo ! I had a hard time getting to sleep , I have to admit . I lay awake for about an hour , envisioning gleaming cat eyes watching me in the dark . I said my guardian angel prayer , figuring that a crazy old cat ghost is no match for four guardian angels . Then I chided myself for being so silly . Cats do not have ghosts . But if there is a territorial feline poltergeist at large in this condo , it would explain a few things . Timmy has rarely slept more than three consecutive hours on any night since we arrived . The cat is waking him up ! The girls who normally sleep like rocks for 12 hours , have been popping out of their room now and then in the wee hours , for no reason . One time I was awakened once in the middle of the night by Delaney standing next to me and whimpering , " I 'm scared . " The cat ! Today I looked in the fridge , certain that there was a brand new unopened block of cream cheese in there that I 'd just bought a few days before . Gone without a trace . Karen and I looked at each other and she whispered , " The cat ! " He 's the one who took the cream cheese , one of my niece 's original Christmas presents , and 50 of my gift tags . Tomorrow marks two weeks since we arrived in Massachusetts . I can 't believe it 's already been that long . A typical visit with anyone is only one to two weeks total , so it would already be over by now . Being here makes the last two months of this deployment so much more bearable . Time always seems to slow down dramatically the closer you get to something you 've been waiting for , like the return of a husband and daddy . Not only that , the last few weeks of being in North Carolina , I felt my patience wearing thin , the strain of being a single mom of three was really taking its toll , we were ( and still are ! ) in the throes of the Terrible Twos , and I really needed deliverance . So here is my deliverance . I 'm surrounded by people who love these kids and like nothing better than to lend me a hand . We 're staying with Tim 's sister Karen , who has plenty of space for us to move in and spread out . There 's enough room downstairs for a swing and jumperoo for Timmy , as well as for the girls to tear around with two double doll strollers - - one of the many goodies awaiting Delaney and Annie the night we arrived , courtesy of several older girl cousins and a doting grandma . We 've made ourselves very comfortable here . We 've got her washer and dryer working harder than ever before . They had a pretty easy life before we showed up . We 've made ourselves a fixture at Tim 's parents ' house every afternoon , where we have a standing invitation to dinner for the whole time we 're here . I have not cooked dinner in two weeks . I like to head over as soon as naptime is over every afternoon . I enjoy being in a place that is the center of so much activity once again . In the same way , my parents ' kitchen is the crossroads of the whole family , and I love that both Tim and I come from that sort of background . For me , it took being away to really appreciate it . Now I 'm sounding like a country song . Last week , a friend of Karen 's came over to take pictures of the kids so that Carolyn could have an updated photo of the grandkids for the living room . Unfortunately , not a single shot of just the kids turned out . Sam is a Photoshop wizard , though , so maybe once she 's done we will have one that passes . We did get a few good ones of Timmy and all the ladies . Delaney is attending preschool three mornings a week at the one that her Auntie Sam is director of . She started the Monday after Thanksgiving , and she 'll go until Christmas break . I don 't know yet if she will go at all in January . I love that she gets to continue the same routine that she had in NC . And a bonus for me is , Grandpa picks her up and drops her off . I 'm happy to be in New England again , and happy to be spending the holidays here . And when we get back some time in the middle of January , it will only be a matter of a few short weeks before Tim gets back . So much to look forward to ! We had Timmy 's 4 - month checkup a week early because we 'd be traveling . He weighed in at 15 pounds 1 ounce and was 25 inches long . He 's solidly average in size . He 's certainly the leanest of all my babies . I don 't mind . It 's nice not having to figure out how to clean underneath two or three chins . He doesn 't have enough hair to tell ( when are you gonna grow some hair , Timmy ? ! ) , but it looks like he 's turning out to be another blonde . I am eagerly awaiting the growth of more hair . What little he had in the first place has fallen out and all he has left is peach fuzz . When the light is shining on his head , he looks blond . If a slightly orange light is shining on his head , he looks strawberry blond . In dim lighting , he 's dirty blond . He 's got a big patch of cradle cap in the middle of his head , and once I take care of that ( the sight of it makes me want to gag , so I guess it 's about time ) some more hair might grow . Timmy had a couple of firsts this month . There was his first road trip - - New Bern , NC to Grafton , MA in just under 15 hours . We did it in one day . He slept almost the whole time , except for the rare occasion he was hungry or fussy . When we arrived at my sister - in - law Karen 's house , he gifted me with 8 straight hours of sleep ( 8 hours for him , 6 of it I enjoyed ) . I am so lucky to have yet another good little traveler ! Here 's a video of him the next day , trying out a jumperoo for the first time , and laughing at one of his favorite people , Delaney : He also had his first Thanksgiving . He was a hit at his great - aunt Jayne 's house , where he was passed around from one set of arms to another for four hours , while I had fun eating with both hands . I 'm so glad he doesn 't mind being held by different people . So thankful for this baby boy ! His sleep habits haven 't changed much since last month . For most of the month , he 's been sleeping in 4 - hour stretches at night , and the last few days he 's been sleeping one 5 or 6 - hour stretch . He still does eat - activity - sleep throughout the day , but I kind of wish the intervals would lengthen a little . He is awake and happy for only a very short time before he 's ready for another nap . If I 'm out somewhere and can 't put him down for a nap , that can be hard . I 'm looking forward to when he settles into a pattern of one morning nap , an afternoon nap around the time of the girls ' , and then maybe one late afternoon nap . Then again , maybe I don 't look forward to that because I don 't know how well I can stick to it with two other kids and things to do . His sisters give him lots of hugs and kisses . In return , he drools on them and grabs their hair . Annie still likes to count his toes and she comes up with a different number every time . Delaney likes to say , " Hi Buddy ! Hiiiii ! " over and over , and he grins and " talks " back . They treat him like a living doll . I wonder if they 'll be as happy with him when he becomes mobile and starts going after their stuff . Probably not , but it will be funny . Annie is 2 1 / 2 ! She 's growing bigger , more articulate , and more opinionated all the time . I love it when she says things like , " Don 't be scared , Sissy . There 's no such thing as monsters . " She sounds like such a big kid when she 's being so calm and rational . Then the little monster comes out in her and I 'm reminded that she 's 2 , whenever she snarls at one of us when we don 't want to give her her way . She tells me , " Bad Mama ! Go away ! " for things like making her sit in her carseat and get buckled in . We have had no more wheezing incidents since we checked out of the hospital . Annie isn 't taking any more prescriptions and I - - perhaps foolishly - - didn 't even pack the inhaler before we left for Massachusetts two days ago . I 'm going to hope that her breathing troubles were a fluke . For awhile , Annie was at least doing Number 2 on the potty on a regular basis . But as of the last month or two , she wants almost nothing to do with the potty . She 'll sit on it every now and again when it suits her , but is perfectly content in diapers . I 'd just as soon she stayed in diapers at least another couple months anyway , with all of our traveling . She knows how to go in the potty , and I think when she 's ready , she 'll just do it . I did pack all her undies just in case seeing her almost - 3 - year - old cousin / doppelganger Natalie going potty , would inspire her . But I 'd rather she waited until after we 've made the 15 - hour drive back to North Carolina in January . I don 't know if we need one more variable for that trip on top of weather , traffic , and an infant . During story times , Annie interrupts often to ask questions with very obvious answers . Me : " I clapped my baby brother 's feet together to make him laugh . " Annie ( loudly ) : " Who 's clapping his feet together ? " It 's in the illustration . She already knows , but she wants to hear me say it . It doesn 't matter that we 've read the book together at least 20 times . She asks the same questions on the same pages . She also likes to point to every character on the page , and talk about what that person is doing . I try to bear with her because I know that it 's good for her developing mind , but sometimes I get a little annoyed at being interrupted . I like the way the books flow without all the questions . She is the worst little backseat driver ever . " This is the way , Mama ? " " Why our not going , Mama ? " " Why our going slow ? " " Our going fast ! " It 's funny , but sometimes it 's a little unnerving to have a little voice right behind me wanting to know why I 'm doing everything I 'm doing . She doesn 't eat much besides Goldfish crackers , bread , and other starchy , processed foods . She avoids anything that has nutritional value . As a result , she might work on one bowel movement for two days . I keep telling her , " If you 'd eat something besides crackers , you 'd have an easier time ! She still soothes herself when she 's tired by moving her mouth as if she 's nursing . During our brief stay at the hospital , I was asked a few times , " What is that thing she does with her mouth ? " She did it the whole ambulance ride , I was told . She 's always done it , even before she weaned , whenever it was naptime or bedtime . It 's just her way of relaxing . She does it while holding her Lovey , so the two things go hand - in - hand . I think when one of them goes , the other will too . She seems to be doing it more often the last few months , and I 'm not sure why - - maybe because she sees her brother nursing , and a part of her remembers . I should be starting to prepare to leave this house , and this state , for two months this weekend , but here I sit wasting time . I 've done nothing but make a list of things to pack and things to do , but a list is a good start . It just doesn 't seem real that we are going to be loading up the car and leaving in just a few short days to stay in Massachusetts with Tim 's family for the holidays . At some point it 's going to hit me and I 'm going to start panicking , but for now I 'm enjoying the little down time I have . It 's been a crazy couple days . Our Annie , who all her life up to this point had only had well visits at the doctor , was hospitalized for a respiratory infection . On Thursday she had a cough and runny nose that seemed very ordinary for this time of year , and I didn 't think much of it . But on Friday morning , when she came out of her room whimpering , wouldn 't eat or drink , wouldn 't say even a yes or a no to me , I knew something was wrong . By late morning / early afternoon , I noticed she was working hard to breathe , and I could see her belly and chest moving a lot more than normal . I put her down for a nap , and then checked on her a couple times . She wasn 't sleeping , just lying there , shifting around , and wheezing . I called the nurse hotline , and when the nurse heard her breathing over the phone , she advised me to take her to the ER . I didn 't hesitate , especially since at this point she still had not had anything to eat or drink and it was 2 in the afternoon . Annie didn 't even react when I told her we were going to the hospital . She just sat there and let me get her dressed . Delaney , who had been bored all day long , was happy to know she was being dropped off at my friend Amy 's house , and she 'd be playing with all the kids there . I dropped her off with nothing , thinking I 'd be back to get her in a few hours . I brought Timmy with us . Annie handled the ER trip mostly well , just sitting and allowing the nurses and doctors to do whatever they needed to do . Here is Annie getting the first of several nebulizer treatments she would get at the ER . She didn 't like that mask . I didn 't either , because it kept slipping , and the tube kept coming loose . You would think they could make these things a little better ! The impossibly young and pretty ER doctor was sure Annie had RSV , and that was a little alarming . I had only heard of preemie babies getting that , and I know it 's dangerous and contagious . She was given a chest x - ray , which showed she did not have pneumonia . Annie was the sweetest and most compliant little patient . A man came in to put in an IV , and he knelt beside the bed and asked me , " What 's her word for hurt ? ' Hurt ' , ' owie ' ? " I told him , " Owie . " He said , " Hi Annie , my name is Brian , and I 'm going to put an owie in your arm right here . " Annie just stared at him . " I 'm going to give you an owie , and it 's going to hurt . " Annie didn 't react at all , just kept on staring , but I was starting to feel anxious . " I need you to hold real still because I 'm going to put a needle in your arm and make an owie , OK ? " In my head , I said , Well , stop talking about it already and do it ! This is torture ! I felt terrible for Annie , but tried not to show it . I 've had an IV before and it 's not all that bad , but listening to that man go on was scaring the crap out of me . I might have jumped out of that chair if he 'd talked to me like that ! As soon as he put the needle in , Annie snapped out of her trance and started crying and writhing . Two people had to hold her while he worked , and I couldn 't do anything but stroke her head and tell her , " Mama 's here , Annie . " Annie watches a show while getting her IV meds After that , Annie wanted nothing to do with anything in the hospital , or anybody in it . Even the nebulizer treatments that she had accepted before , became a fight . But eventually she relaxed . The treatments seemed to be working too . She coughed and coughed until we thought she might throw up , and the nurses and doctor were happy that all that junk was moving up out of her lungs . When she collapsed , exhausted , on her belly , they found that to be reassuring , because it meant she must be having an easier time breathing . The doctor thought she should be observed overnight , but didn 't want to admit her there ( in New Bern ) because there was no in - house pediatrician . So she wanted to transfer her to the one in Greenville . I worried about how Annie would handle riding in the ambulance alone , but she was OK . The EMT guys came in and introduced themselves , and were really sweet . She didn 't cry when I explained she 'd ride in the ambulance by herself and I 'd follow . She said , " Then I can wave at you , Mama . " Sweet girl . At the huge hospital in Greenville , we were given a room the size of a supply closet , with barely enough room for the hospital bed , the crib for Timmy , and my chair ( that couldn 't be pulled out because of the crib ) . Poor Annie kept wanting to go to sleep , but different people kept coming in wanting this or that - - blood pressure , listening to her lungs , all that . By now it was 10 at night , and she usually goes to bed at 7 . Two also impossibly young ( or am I just getting to be that old ? ) residents talked with me for a long time , asking me all kinds of questions about Annie . Mostly , they were probing for any kind of family history or risk factors that would lead to Annie 's problems . The only thing I could tell them was that Tim and his sister Karen had been hospitalized several times each as babies , for breathing problems . They each asked at least once or twice if Annie had had an episode like this ever before . They couldn 't believe she 'd always been so healthy , but it 's the truth . She 's been sick before , but never like this . Last year right after Christmas , she was sick , but we would have noticed wheezing or trouble breathing . They were also having trouble making sense of how well she seemed to be doing by that time , after the report they 'd gotten from the ER . They kept examining her , and examining again , looking at her stats , and talking . They 'd given her the RSV test right away , and it was " pending negative " , whatever that means . She sounded just a little wheezy , but that was it . They determined that she would probably go home in the morning if she continued to look improved and she was eating and drinking . The next morning , Annie woke up thirsty and with an appetite , chatty as could be . I was very happy to see that . One of the residents I 'd talked to the night before popped in for a minute , but didn 't say much of anything , then left . And then we were mostly left alone , except for the nurse who came in from time to time , and the respiratory therapist , who was now teaching us to use an inhaler . I waited and waited for news of when we could leave , but none came . Then the attending doctor came in after Annie had gone back to sleep around 9 : 30 or 10 , and he was obnoxious . He kept nudging Annie with the stethoscope and talking to her even though he could see she was exhausted . He wanted to hear her lungs , but couldn 't he turn her over gently and do it while she was asleep ? Nooo . It was , " Hi Annie . Whatcha got there ? Is it a mouse ? No , a bear , dummy ! I 'm going to listen to you now . Oh hey , you woke up ! How 're you doing ? " I think some people must go into pediatrics to torment kids . He must be pretty good at what he does , though , because the family lounge is named after him . Or maybe he 's just really rich . Or both . He wanted to keep her a while longer , based on what had happened last night at the ER . Even though she was doing well now , she was doing pretty badly not long ago . He said , " I find it odd that there was never any history of this happening before . . " I didn 't really follow , because there 's a first time for everything , right ? He seemed to be waiting for me to go , " Oh yeah , I remember this one time , " but nope . He said he would re - evaluate her at 6 that evening , and he thought it would be 50 / 50 whether she could leave that day or stay another night . He said he was ordering another chest x - ray since the one from last night had not made the transfer , and he 'd let me know the result . The next several hours passed so slowly . Annie and I both felt caged . And Timmy was miserable . Trying to take care of both of their needs in that tiny , unfamiliar place , was fraying my nerves . Timmy would need to be held constantly , and then he would finally crash for maybe 20 minutes to a half hour . He didn 't want to nurse . Annie was by turns playful and happy , and very moody and sad , saying , " I want to go home , Mama ! " I tried taking her on little walks around the pediatric floor , but the whole area was tiny , and we kept walking in little circles . There were crying kids all around , things beeping loudly , and the walls kept closing in . I talked to Tim a couple times on the phone , and I missed him so badly . The attending doctor , who was at first inclined to keep Annie another night just as a precaution , eventually decided to discharge her when he couldn 't find sufficient need to keep her , and I was making a nuisance of myself trying to get us out of there . I didn 't think he 'd let her go that night . After I had nearly come unglued , and Karen had talked some sense into me on the phone , I was calmed down enough to accept that we would be here another night . Then at 4 : 30 he came in with his little entourage of residents , and started looking at her and talking . They said , " Annie , you 've got to let us look at you if you want to come home . " I bristled at that , thinking , please don 't entice her with the possibility of going home unless you know you 're sending her home ! They listened and started talking all sorts of stuff like " I to E ratios , and blah blah , " and how " I wouldn 't let her go if this , but that . . " And then they checked her pulse ox , and it was 99 , and they liked that . We were going home ! I had to contain my relief , but it probably showed because I don 't have a poker face . I 'm not good at dealing with being in the hospital . My plan for dealing with hospitals and doctors is to just not get sick , and not have any of my kids get sick . That plan seemed to be working for a long time , but of course it can 't always . The respiratory therapist taught me how to administer the albuterol inhaler , and I have to give her that four times a day . She also has prescriptions for an antibiotic and prednisolone . I was instructed to bring her to her pediatrician tomorrow , and I 'll be calling to make the appointment first thing , so hopefully I can get her there right from dropping Delaney off at preschool . I checked on her a couple times throughout the night , and she sounded good , just a little junky . At CVS today , the pharmacist looked at my kids , from one happy face to another , and said , " Which one of these kids is sick ? " All better ! Annie kept a few souvenirs from the hospital . She insists I leave all her " stickers " on her back , and you can see the one on her chest , poking out of the top of her nightgown . The band - aid is somehow still hanging on from when the hep lock was removed , although it 's migrated up a little . And her ankle bracelet is still on too . I 'm not allowed to touch any of these things , but I did warn her at bathtime that the skin under the stickers will become moldy and stinky eventually . I am praying now we can all hang in there and stay healthy for just another few days , so we can get through the things that need to be done this week , and the long trip to Massachusetts . After we get there , I know someone 's going to get sick again , and I 'm prepared with a whole pharmacopoeia of cold and flu prevention and remedies that I picked up today at CVS . Please , can we wait until we get there . . Oh lord , what a rough night . I am exhausted and will be going to bed early . Too tired to work out . Too tired to drink a beer . But not too tired to tell you all about it . The whole afternoon was a blur for me , just trying to drink coffee and start to think about getting ready to take us all out . Timmy was sleeping , waking and eating in short intervals , and I didn 't feel like I had any time to just sit and collect myself . It was a 2 cups of coffee afternoon . That is very rare . I usually get by with either a nap or one cup of coffee . I talked with my mom for a little while after the girls went down for nap . She called . She wants to get us a Kindle for Christmas ! She brought it up . I said , " How funny , we 've been talking about a Kindle lately ! " I told her about Amazon 's library , blah blah . So we 're getting that and we 're getting some fancy chopping tool that she 'd also bought for Faith , and Faith loves it . Good enough for me . I managed to take a shower , and that was good . When my hair was getting to be almost dry , I tried these foam rod rollers in my hair to give them loose waves ( impulse buy from Target - - bad , bad . But I 'd read on one of my blogs that they worked really well . ) . I left them in for a while , and when I took them out , my hair was curled in some places , crimped in others , and ugly all over . So I ended up braiding it . I also put them in Annie 's hair , and they didn 't do much for her either , although she looked really cute with curlers in and I took a picture . I 'm going to try again with those rollers , this time with my hair dry and the ends of my hair sticking completely out , nowhere near the curlers . The girls were up by 2 : 45 , and excited about going to Play Date . We started our process early because it takes forever . I lost track of what times Timmy was eating , he ate so often , and only slept for what felt like 5 minutes , but probably was more like a half hour . That after I held and shushed and kissed and coaxed him for several minutes to lay down . He was having an off day , I guess . He was not well rested and I knew it , but I was so looking forward to dinner with Aimee ! At a little after 5 , we met Aimee at Play Date and she , Timmy and I were off to Captain Ratty 's . I couldn 't wait to have that pasta dinner , I 'd been hungry all day for a nice big meal . I had had the last of my casserole leftovers at 3 as a snack , so I wouldn 't be completely starved when I got there . That turned out to be a good idea . Timmy didn 't stay in his car seat long . I knew he wouldn 't . I sat him on my lap and just hoped we 'd make it before he got too bad . I ate all my salad , but he was getting super squirmy by the time my hearts of artichoke pasta arrived . Aimee held him for me for a little bit , but when he started turning his head and looking aggravated , I thought he might like to nurse . So I tried , and he only cried . Oh dear . So then I just kept shifting him around , trying to at least keep him still while I ate . Finally I stood up with him and bounced . Aimee took him from me when she was finished with her dinner , and tried walking around with him . I ate as fast as I could , but that spaghetti was slippery and hard to get on the fork . He cried for a couple minutes , and then got quiet and I felt relief . But it didn 't last long , and when his wails started up again from the other room , I smiled at the waitress and said , " Perhaps I 'll take the check now . " She got me a box for my food and I said , " I will enjoy this after I get the kids to bed . " She was really nice . From the sympathetic smiles they gave me , I could tell the waitresses probably had kids of their own and they understood , and didn 't think I was starving or neglecting him to make him cry that way . I tried to feed him in the car , but he didn 't seem hungry . As we drove away , he quieted down , and I said , " I was hoping the girls would be able to stay at Play Date for a couple hours . They like it so much there . " We decided to just take a little drive , let Timmy get settled down , and then go get the girls . I drove all the way down to the Havelock Walmart and turned around , went through the Taberna Dunkin Donuts drive - thru , and back to Play Date . We got to have conversation in the car that we couldn 't have at the restaurant . By the time we got the girls it was close to 7 , which was in keeping with my plan to keep them up until 8 tonight because of the clock change . At home , I nursed Timmy and put him to bed . I nuked my artichoke pasta . But before I could even take one bite , Annie started demanding a snack . I said she could have an apple but I wasn 't cutting it up . I was hungry and wanted to eat my food , and I know they fed you there , I paid for you to eat there . . She demanded I cut it up , and threw it across the table where it fell and landed on the floor . Then she completely melted down . So I had to put her in her room until she calmed down . Then I put my meal back in the microwave , wondering if I was ever going to get to finish it . Then Delaney started wanting something to eat , then wanting something to drink . I got her a slice of cheese , all the while saying , " It is obvious to me that neither of you ate your dinner there , " and going on and on about how I paid for their dinner at Play Date , they need to be eating it , and I 'm hungry , and I want to eat my dinner . I split a bag of trail mix between them and ended up eating what they left behind . As it got closer to 8 , I said it was time to get in pajamas , brush teeth and go to bed . But Delaney had to poo , and it was one of those times where she sits there for at least 15 minutes , and complains that Annie won 't leave her alone . So , partly to distract Annie and partly to help move Delaney along , I suggested maybe a story would help . Annie got one and I sat out in the hall and read it . One didn 't do it . Two didn 't do it . Finally Delaney was either done , or just done for tonight , and we went to their room for bedtime . I 've never seen the two of them go to pieces the way they were . Delaney cried because Annie didn 't want to wear her cute , cozy footed PJs that looked like hers . Annie cried because , " I want to cry , not Delaney ! " ( She owns crying now . ) Then Annie cried because I was going to let Delaney pick one story since Annie had picked the bathroom stories . And finally I said , " That 's enough , no stories , you two need to go to sleep ! " And I closed the door on both of them crying . Delaney opened the door a couple times to beg for another story , but I knew she 'd crash within minutes , and she did . So that was my disaster of a night . I 'm going to turn back the clocks and go to bed here in a few minutes . I 'm also going to post this story on my blog because I know one day I will want to look back and laugh . Posted by Here is Tim the first night of the ship 's visit to Dubai . I have a great picture of him golfing there , too , but it 's a PDF ( why does it have to be a PDF ? ! ) and I can 't figure out how to put it on this blog post . Posted by He loves the changing table . He smiles up at me while he pushes off with his feet and scoots himself backward . I grab his feet and say , " Cut that out ! " He 's never minded diaper changes , but now that he coos and smiles through them , I enjoy them so much more . He 's a very vocal little guy . His favorite sound is " Gggggg . . " with a lot of slobber , to make it sound like radio static . I think in his language that sound must mean something funny , because he laughs when I say it back to him . Sometimes he looks so serious as if he 's really trying to tell me something . I 'd give anything to know what it is ! This month he has gone from 6 to 8 hour stretches of sleep at night to only about 4 . That is kind of a bummer for me , but at least we 're only up for 15 minutes at a time - - as long as it takes to feed him , change him , swaddle him , and lay him back down . Then I gulp down an 8 - ounce glass of water and go right back to sleep myself . He still sleeps in the co - sleeper . As far as a daytime routine goes , he is on the EASY plan ( Eat , activity , sleep , you time - - a la The Baby Whisperer ) that we tried and failed to implement with Delaney four years ago . I realized this recently while talking with a friend who said she was trying to put her son who is 4 weeks younger than Timmy on the similar Babywise eat - play - sleep routine . She said she feels like she 's trying to fight nature . That 's when it dawned on me that Timmy was on that routine , but it had happened so naturally that I hadn 't even noticed it until that moment . He put himself on that plan by the time he was a few weeks old , and I just go along with it . There is no set number of naps or even a set time . If he 's eaten and he 's played for awhile , and then starts blankly staring and rubbing his eyes , I know what comes next . Easy indeed . It is hard when we 're out and he can only catch a short nap on the go , either in the carrier or the carseat . He ends up pretty cranky after a morning out and about with no good long nap . Recently , we took an overtired Timmy on a hayride after a long morning at A Day at the Farm . He cried so loudly no one could hear the tour guide . I had to agree with Timmy that the hayride wasn 't that much fun . We do these things to make his sisters happy . Timmy 's nicknames include Timsy , Tims , Mistah , Wittle Mistah , and whatever else happens to gush from my mouth when I 'm talking to him . My babies have a gazillion nicknames by the time they 're a year old . I can 't help myself . Posted by Tim 's mom came to stay with us from October 1 through 8 . It was a fun , relaxing , laid - back visit that didn 't involve any assembly or disassembly of anything in our home . I was freed up to get some things done myself . I put together and hung up a couple little photo galleries on my living room wall , a task that I had been procrastinating forever . I got my highlights done , which hadn 't been done since a few weeks before Timmy was born . I put away most of the girls ' summer clothes , pulled out the hand - me - down fall clothes for Annie , and shopped for Delaney . The next person to come visit us will be Tim Sr . A couple days after he gets here , we 'll all drive up to Massachusetts . So now we 've got to hang in there the next 5 weeks or so , go to Massachusetts for the holidays , come back in January , and then wait one more month for Tim to get home . Always counting down to something . . Both our girls have a weakness for Dunkin Donuts . On the way home one night , we stopped there for some coffee and Munchkins . Carolyn put them on the kitchen table and went back out to the garage to help unload the rest of the car . I don 't even remember seeing Annie get out of the car and go inside . But once we all got into the kitchen , we found her shoving Munchkins in her mouth as fast as she could , as if they were all about to be snatched away from her . She must have been thinking about that all the way home ! I still find it a little strange that I often take the kids to play , and once a year to look for pumpkins , at a church graveyard . Hi ! I 'm Rachael : Catholic , Marine wife , coffeeholic , clutterphobe , free range parent , and on again / off again runner . I am hopelessly awkward but I mean well . This blog is my journal , occasionally cheap therapy , and most of all a fun way update faraway family and friends . Welcome ! |
I took him to work yesterday for a few hours . He was very overwhelmed and hid most of the time . Tinsel was out and about enjoying the change of scenery . It is amazing what an overwhelming trip can do for a kitten 's confidence when they come home . I guess all that scary makes the safety of being at home all that much more secure . He does have a bit of something going on . The other day I realized he had scabs on his " wrists " . It was on the top of his paw / foot area . They were falling off , so I helped , and the skin underneath looks just fine , so I can 't help but wonder if he burned them somehow . DH came down while I was with the kittens last night , and the disruption caused Peter to want to hide . He brought out the feathered toy and got him playing rather fiercely which was a riot to watch . Ever so kind Tinsel just sat and watched Peter play , even though you could tell full well that he REALLY wanted to get it . I spy on them from time to time with the web cam . The video is a little slow , but he does come out and play with Tinsel . I started recording because Peter started the wrestling , but it didn 't start recording until he had run away . Yesterday I went into their bathroom and it was immediately very obvious in several different ways that the room was just too small for them . I was reluctant to put them down in the kitten room because it gets so cold in the winter , but I took the heater and put it right in front of the window to combat the cold air coming off it , and after a few hours it was warm enough . So I brought them down . Peter immediately went and hid under the couch , which I was expecting , and Tinsel started exploring the room having a grand ol time . I sat for a while to see what they 'd do , and much sooner then I expected Peter came out to explore . He stuck the side of the room , and ventured out only when the carrier was close enough for him to stick to . I was horribly impressed at his bravery and told him so . My sister then showed up with her two boys . B is 12 S is 7 . B is very gentle and respectful of kittens , S is not . I was a little concerned about Peter , but I told the boys to not chase the kittens and let them run away if they wanted . I figured they wouldn 't even see Peter , but when they came up a few minutes later B said that Peter crawled up in his lap ! ! ! ! they went back down a while later , and we warned them not to let the kittens escape , but it is all too easy with two little boys and one wild and willful kitten . Tinsel apparently escaped but B was able to catch him . In the bedlam , they " lost " Peter . He ended up crawling into a cubby hole and I found him right away . After dinner I went and sat with them for a while . Tinsel immediately jumped on my lap and snuggled . Peter worked his way up to it . Slowly thinking about coming up , working his way around - I 'm not sure if he was trying to be subtle or what . But he made it on to the couch and worked his way up to where Tinsel was and we all snuggled and watched a bit of a movie . Another Target find . . Absolutely could not resist , and luckily Jack didn 't mind wearing it in the least . But we took it off him when we went about our nights . But I just read about a dog who took in a kitten when she was injured . I mean how adorable and heart warming is this ? Injured she nursed her own pups and a stray kitten . . I just couldn 't stand leaving Peter alone in the bathroom as we watched Christmas movies , so I snuggled with him on the bed for a while . He was content for quite some time , but then he saw the other kitties and he REALLY wanted to go see them . Even Ollie who was in a grumpy mood sitting on a pillow on the far side of the bed . I kept him from getting there , but he kept trying . Fortunately he is still quite unsure of himself , so he never tried very fast or hard . Twee showed up for a little sniff session . Kit even gave him a good smell . He seemed to really REALLY want to snuggle up to them , so I made the decision to go to the shelter the next day . So after work today I went down to the shelter . They had a ringworm scare , so all of the intakes were recently lime dipped and in quarantine . I suggested any old kitty they had could come home with me for the holiday , and they agreed . It was suggested I check out one particular kitty who might do with some socializing . When I went to see her , she slunk back as far in her cage as she could go . So sad , but I needed someone to help bring Peter out of his shell , so I looked around . There was a calico kitty who called to me . She reached out and meowed and made a fuss . I thought she might be good , and took her out to see what she thought of other kitties . She did not stop meowing , telling me all about something or other , and wasn 't amused when I tried to get her reaction to another cat . I don 't think that she cared about the cat one way or the other , but was annoyed that I wasn 't listening to her story . Well I was still there for Peter , and since he is located on the other side of the wall from the bedroom , this chatty kitty wasn 't going to work for me . I then spied a small solid black kitty . A look at his card said he was 11 weeks old , and his name was Tinsel . I took him out , and he took to me , and showed interest in other cats , so I claimed he was the one , and off we went . He was a little over dramatic in the ride home , and I told him he was fine and asked him to not be so overly dramatic , and he quieted right down . He made another little fuss after we got home and I put him outside the door where Peter is . Well Peter started singing back to him , which to me sounded like a good start . Tinsel is EXTREMELY good with Peter . He engages , but backs off when Peter becomes upset . When I 'm playing with the toy , Tinsel will play unless it gets too near Peter , then he backs off to see what Peter will do . He 's also not afraid to " impose but not force " himself on Peter . I 've seen him run up to him to play with him several times . Each time Peter hisses . The first time Tinsel walked away . The second time he went back immediately to see what would happen . The third time he tried a few times before giving up and walking away . I like that he is engaging Peter but not forcing himself on him . He seems to have a real regard for Peter 's feelings and understands that Peter is a little slow in accepting things . Like I had to get past Peter 's defenses and kept imposing myself on him despite being hissed at , so is Tinsel . I like that they are going to be together 24 hours a day so maybe Tinsel can make more progress with Peter and teach him how to be a " real kitten " I find that calling the new kitten " Tinsel " is a little hard . It is a harsh name . Its cute and timely , but it doesn 't roll off the tongue when calling kittens , so I find myself calling him Tin , and moving on to Tim . It is very Cratchit - y in there , with ( tiny ) Tim and his brother Peter . . Officially he 'll remain Tinsel , but he 'll probably be called Tim while he 's here for the week . on an odd note , I did a count of kittens for this season , and Tinsel makes # 16 . I was a little surprised how few kittens I had this year , but I did have two pregnant cats who took over a month to give birth , and each only had three . I 'm curious how many kittens I 've fostered over the years since I 'm coming up on year # 9 . Maybe one of these days I 'll go back over all of my records and count . I remember the early days of fostering and how I was still using film . Taking photos of kittens with out digital was a nightmare . I was so thrilled to get my first digital . It was so expensive at the time , and an equivalent now would barely cost $ 10 . . lol I didn 't start this blog until my 8th or 9th litter , back when I had Kodi and was so concerned about him and " Scooter " ( who later became Muffin ) and " Melvin " ( who became Eli ) I was being annoying with updates and I thought I should make a place to give daily updates on them and I could talk as much as I wanted about kitties because it was on my terms . So much has happened since then . 1400 + blog posts later . . . here we are : ) Ok , maybe happy happy is a bit over stating . . . Yes Muffin , more then a bit . How about Grumpy Grumpy Elf time . . . But then again you do know Santa Claws is watching right ? Fleurp was about as thrilled as Muffin was . I think it was the bell on the top of the hood part that did them in . Although I do think the other cats got a kick out of watching them try to wear the outfit . It looks like we have made some serious progress . I won 't say that for certain for a few days to make sure the french fry smell doesn 't return . There are still some spots on him that I 'm pretty sure are grease , but for the most part he is sweet smelling and looks like I think he should look . It looks like he 's got a " sash " of buff across his belly ( sorry , no photo ) that looks a lot like a beauty pageant sash that is oh so adorable . He was much more objectionable to this bath then the last . It was adorable to see that he was feeling comfortable enough to try to squirm out of getting wet , but it did make it a little harder to do it . Despite my warming up the room a bit , and using warm water and keeping him cuddled to me to dry him , he still shivered quite heavily . Broke my heart . I tried putting him near the space heater , which he really really liked . I got him as dry as I could , and left to do some holiday baking . I checked on him 20 minutes later to find him snuggled up to the heater . It was adorable and a little sad at the same time . He was mostly dry ( under his tail was still a little damp ) and was happy to see me . He did not run but let me pat him , and nibbled on the ground turkey I had brought him . I went back to baking , and did some wrapping , and had dinner , and went and spent a little more time with him . This time he was hanging out behind the toilet , but he came out rather quickly when I waggled the toy in his direction . He still mostly ignores it , but I do think it helps him understand that it is time to interact with me and he 'll get patted . I brought in a brush , a comb , and a pair of scissors to get the gob of grease that was hanging out at the base of his ear . He LOVED being combed with both the brush and the comb . I am still so surprised at how much he is shedding . I suppose I shouldn 't considering what he has gone through , but kittens never shed so I 'm just not used to it . He coats what ever I 'm wearing when ever I hold him , and I took quite a bit off with the comb . The comb was also helpful in getting the gob of grease that was hanging out on his flank that I couldn 't get off with the bath . He just LOVES being patted . It is unbelievably sweet . He rolls around and offers different sides . I tried to get him to play with the toy some more , but he was still basically ignoring it . He liked it when I moved it rather quickly in front of his eyes , but he was unable to make the connection to reach out and catch it . I couldn 't stand it , and just an aside , I offered him a can of Iams this morning . It is being totally ignored . I even put a small piece in his mouth and he spit it right out . He preferred dry to Iams . I can 't understand why so many people still love it for their cats . I can 't get ANY of my fosters to eat it . I 'm sure my crew would eat it , but they eat poptarts so they don 't have the most sophisticated of pallets . When I went to see Peter ( Oliver ? ? ) this morning , he wasn 't in the trash can ! ! ! He was hiding behind the toilet , but still , it was huge . I got him to come out on his own by offering him some food , which is also a big step for him . His tail is still mostly between his legs though . I can get him to lift it when I scratch his tushie , but it immediately drops when I move somewhere else . I started him on Rescue Remedy last night . I brought him out of the bathroom for a quick walk around the house ( and gave him his first dose ) He saw all of my cats , and I could see he really liked the idea of other kitties . He must have been part of a clowder before coming to the shelter . I wish this were a few months ago , so I could find him a friend as I bet he 'd come out of his shell a lot faster with someone to cuddle up to . And yes , the toys need to be replaced daily . This year because of the placement of the furniture , it was the lower 3 / 4ths of the tree , not the lower 1 / 2 as past years . It makes me smile . Toys they have no interest in year round are suddenly fascinating when they are on a tree . Reminds me a little of being a kid and being fascinated with the tree . I just hope they don 't knock it over and hurt themselves or someone else . They haven 't in the years we have been doing this , but Skippy didn 't climb in the tree last year . . So last night I sat with Peter ( I 'm thinking of changing it to Oliver ) and he wouldn 't come out to see me , so I eventually pulled him out . I offered him some shredded type food , thinking that would most resemble the food he 's probably used to scrounging . He went right at it , and over the course of the night ended up eating the entire can . He did stop eating for a while and came closer to me for some scritches . I am not content with that , so I pulled him right up into my lap and snuggled him for a while which he didn 't object to . I then laid him on my lap and patted all the good spots , and he purred and purred . He offered me his belly again and I patted that . He liked having his face patted , so each time he rubbed his face on my hands I started paying attention to his face again . After a while I got concerned again that he might not be eating enough , so I took a piece of dry food and offered it to him . He wasn 't interested , so I popped it in his mouth . He got a little concerned about that , but did eat it , but patting time was over . He jumped off my lap and went and hid behind the toilet again . I tried calling , and offering air scritches , but he just sat there and looked at me . I brought him a feather wand , and tried enticing him into play with it , but he mostly ignored it . I think it did ease the concern though , because after a few moments of wiggling it near by , he came out on his own . He ignored the feathers so maybe he would have come out if I hadn 't , but I do have the distinct feeling that it helped . He took a few more bites of the canned food , and looked around a little more . I reached out to pat him , and once I touched him , he started purring again , and moving so I could get the good spots . He is very reluctant to put up his tail though . I had him doing elevator butt , but still his tail turned under . Some more patting and some more loving , and the tail started to be airborne , but for the most part it was wrapped around his feet or tucked under . I got him back on my lap ( he walked over my legs on his own , and sat under my knee before I moved him ) , and offered dry food again . This time he ate it right out of my fingers . more pieces , more snacks . made me smile . He wanted to snuggle all night long , but sitting in the bathroom isn 't very comfortable and I was quite tired , so the next time he climbed off my lap , I got up and went to bed . This morning he was sitting at the door again crying . I think he wants contact with the other cats in the house . When I got up to see what he wanted , he scurried back into his hidey hole . When I went in with breakfast , he refused to come out . I wiggled the feather toy in front of the opening , and no go . He did start purring though , which was quite humorous since it echoed . The possible set back ? I needed to take a shower , and I think that freaked him out even more , but hopefully since nothing bad happened to him , and he 's still safe and warm with food , that he 'll realize he is safe and he 'll be more willing to come out and visit this evening . I can 't tell you how badly I want to give him another bath . . and a really good scrubbin ( think cartoon wash basin with a scrubbing board ) three baths down and he still smells like a fast food joint . He is shedding pretty badly when you pat him . Probably from the poor nutrition he got when he was alone . I 'm just so not used to kittens this young shedding . Silly boy . I think he looks a little better in this photo though ( despite the trashcan background ) I was able to get some of the oil off him , but not all of it . I plan on waiting quite a bit before giving him another , but that isn 't set in stone . When looking at his feet and ankles , I noticed his skin was rather raw looking and even had a speck of blood . I can only imagine what he went through . After the bath , we had a little cuddle time , and he made biscuits and even let me pat his tummy ! ! I can 't quite understand why I 'm scary as all get out when I 'm not touching him , but the second I do , I 'm the bees knees . I try not to force shy kittens out of their hidey holes , but I had to take him out of the carrier twice since he 's been here , which is why I think he relocated to the trash can . When I picked it up to check if he was in there he meowed quite pitifully , so I put it right back down . When I put the camera in front of the can , he meowed again . I think he 's ready to be left alone for a bit . I 'll try enticement tonight to get him to come out on his own . I 've got chicken and a feathered toy . . one or the other surely will work . We put the tree up last night . I 've got gobs of photos to share , but I 'm too emotional at this point to go through them . As soon as the tree went up , Ollie parked himself under it . He has always loved the Christmas tree , and I can 't help but cry over the fact that this will be his last . He is very fearful of me when I am not touching him , but once I have him in my hands he starts purring and becomes quite relaxed . Even the bath wasn 't the event I thought it was going to be . He didn 't much like it when I put him on his back and tried to get the back of his head under the water , but it was more his ears . Once I made sure he knew that water wasn 't going to get in there , he relaxed . He isn 't a fan of water , as he headed out of the sink when ever I let go of him , but not as quickly as you might think . More of a slinking out of the sink then a bolt . He was so good when I wrapped him up in a towel . . . almost to the point where I started to get concerned . Kittens who are too pliant are often not feeling well . He ate most of the second helping of hamburg I gave him last night , but didn 't touch the dry or the canned , so I opened up a can of AD and was going to force feed him , but once he smelled the AD , he perked right up and was very interested . he ate a few bits on his own , but I wanted to make sure he got something , so I mixed some with water and gave him about 20 ccs of it . He was very interested in eating on his own though , so I put some more straight AD in a bowl and he started eating . He then tried to eat the dried up hamburg that was left over , so I picked up the bowl and left him with the AD . He was so disappointed that I took the hamburg away , I had to give him a little of the crew 's raw . Hopefully he 's munching down on one of them and filling up his tummy . He 's just so skinny I went to the shelter today . They had their open house on Saturday ( ended before I got back into town ) and I love seeing the place well stocked . It looks like they had a good turn out , because there was a lot of everything , and there was even overflow . It is really nice to see , but it is a little sad to know that in just a few weeks it will all be gone . I poked around a little . There was a cage full of five older kittens . Friendly little sots , all vying for attention . They 'll get snapped right up . There was only one other cage with a kitty in it . Poor little 8 week old boy who was found after he had apparently fallen into a vat of cooking oil . Determined by the smell and the state of him . He is all fur and bones , so I can imagine he was trying to get a little something to eat and got more then he bargained for . He had already had two baths , and it was still not looking good for him . He still smelled and looked pretty dirty . Yup , I snagged him and brought him home . He is very freaked out by everything , so he 's just hunkering down and trying to avoid everything . He likes being patted , and he starts to purr , but he does keep eying me when I try to get him to eat . He was not all that interested in kitten food , but he did enjoy a bit of the hamburger I brought home . This is his second plate of meat . I checked his litter box when I was at the shelter and he had a firm stool , but he defecated in the carrier and it was soft and smelly . Hopefully that is just a case of the squirts because I hate diarrhea . He 's hanging out in the bathroom as opposed to the kitten room because the kitten room gets cold , and he 's going to need at least one more bath , and I thought it would be easier for him to not have to walk through the house . He seems to really want to cuddle , but I don 't really want to get that close to him until he 's had another bath . Yes , that 's mean . It shouldn 't matter that he stinks and has some poop on him , but I 'm still exhausted from the trip and I 'm dealing with a cold and I just didn 't have the energy to make sure I cuddled him and didn 't get covered in debris . Not sure what to call him . I 'm totally open to suggestions . I figure I 'll have him past Christmas , so a Christmas name doesn 't seem right . I was thinking Noel - as I have a cousin with that name but it is probably too Christmasy . Then I was thinking Tiny Tim , but again too Christmasy . TT 's brother is Peter , so currently that is what he is being called , but I doubt it will stay that way . This morning was a lot of fun and full of cats ( and yes , feeties on my bladder ) . I didn 't mention it , but I was on vacation last week . We went to Florida , did a cruise to the Bahamas and then a few days in Orlando . I do not travel well at all , and so I do it as infrequently as possible . DH loves to travel , and he got an opportunity to go to FL back in October for work , and this particular instance was being held at a fancy hotel , and when we get that opportunity I usually spring for a plane ticket and go with him . Well his mom took a turn for the worse , and we ended up not going , so we had plane tickets and the such so we rescheduled once she passed . So we scheduled and my uncle passed a few days before we were supposed to leave . So in my stress of leaving my kitties , and traveling , I had some grief to process as well . Fortunately my sister and my Aunt ( and their son ) all told me I should go on my trip and not feel bad about it . Didn 't help , I still did , but I did go . ( to top off the guilt , they lost their other son a few months prior to a blood clot which I believe was a complication to cancer they didn 't realize how bad he had until after he passed ) I was worried most about Ollie and the progression of his tumor . When we got home , he was obviously uncomfortable , so I started the metacam again . I can see where he 's starting to give into the fact that this is going to be his life now . He is by no means ready to give in , but I see the possibility of it , which I hadn 't seen before . Jack woke me up giving me kisses and pawing at my face . He very much acts like an adoring lover in the middle of the night . Unfortunately I came down with a cold while traveling home and the exhaustion of the cold and the trip , I couldn 't give him the attention at 3am that he wanted . In the morning though , we were COVERED in all of the cats . DH got up and went out for a bit , and the nine of us just snuggled into the bed to catch up on the TV I had missed . through out the day , every single one of the kitties came up for their own one on one time . I got a call from the shelter while we were gone asking us to take new kittens . I wanted to get up and go see them and see if they still had them but I just wasn 't up to it physically . I didn 't think I 'd have the opportunity to get new fosters again this year . . . but maybe there will be more . |
I took him to work yesterday for a few hours . He was very overwhelmed and hid most of the time . Tinsel was out and about enjoying the change of scenery . It is amazing what an overwhelming trip can do for a kitten 's confidence when they come home . I guess all that scary makes the safety of being at home all that much more secure . He does have a bit of something going on . The other day I realized he had scabs on his " wrists " . It was on the top of his paw / foot area . They were falling off , so I helped , and the skin underneath looks just fine , so I can 't help but wonder if he burned them somehow . DH came down while I was with the kittens last night , and the disruption caused Peter to want to hide . He brought out the feathered toy and got him playing rather fiercely which was a riot to watch . Ever so kind Tinsel just sat and watched Peter play , even though you could tell full well that he REALLY wanted to get it . I spy on them from time to time with the web cam . The video is a little slow , but he does come out and play with Tinsel . I started recording because Peter started the wrestling , but it didn 't start recording until he had run away . Yesterday I went into their bathroom and it was immediately very obvious in several different ways that the room was just too small for them . I was reluctant to put them down in the kitten room because it gets so cold in the winter , but I took the heater and put it right in front of the window to combat the cold air coming off it , and after a few hours it was warm enough . So I brought them down . Peter immediately went and hid under the couch , which I was expecting , and Tinsel started exploring the room having a grand ol time . I sat for a while to see what they 'd do , and much sooner then I expected Peter came out to explore . He stuck the side of the room , and ventured out only when the carrier was close enough for him to stick to . I was horribly impressed at his bravery and told him so . My sister then showed up with her two boys . B is 12 S is 7 . B is very gentle and respectful of kittens , S is not . I was a little concerned about Peter , but I told the boys to not chase the kittens and let them run away if they wanted . I figured they wouldn 't even see Peter , but when they came up a few minutes later B said that Peter crawled up in his lap ! ! ! ! they went back down a while later , and we warned them not to let the kittens escape , but it is all too easy with two little boys and one wild and willful kitten . Tinsel apparently escaped but B was able to catch him . In the bedlam , they " lost " Peter . He ended up crawling into a cubby hole and I found him right away . After dinner I went and sat with them for a while . Tinsel immediately jumped on my lap and snuggled . Peter worked his way up to it . Slowly thinking about coming up , working his way around - I 'm not sure if he was trying to be subtle or what . But he made it on to the couch and worked his way up to where Tinsel was and we all snuggled and watched a bit of a movie . Another Target find . . Absolutely could not resist , and luckily Jack didn 't mind wearing it in the least . But we took it off him when we went about our nights . But I just read about a dog who took in a kitten when she was injured . I mean how adorable and heart warming is this ? Injured she nursed her own pups and a stray kitten . . I just couldn 't stand leaving Peter alone in the bathroom as we watched Christmas movies , so I snuggled with him on the bed for a while . He was content for quite some time , but then he saw the other kitties and he REALLY wanted to go see them . Even Ollie who was in a grumpy mood sitting on a pillow on the far side of the bed . I kept him from getting there , but he kept trying . Fortunately he is still quite unsure of himself , so he never tried very fast or hard . Twee showed up for a little sniff session . Kit even gave him a good smell . He seemed to really REALLY want to snuggle up to them , so I made the decision to go to the shelter the next day . So after work today I went down to the shelter . They had a ringworm scare , so all of the intakes were recently lime dipped and in quarantine . I suggested any old kitty they had could come home with me for the holiday , and they agreed . It was suggested I check out one particular kitty who might do with some socializing . When I went to see her , she slunk back as far in her cage as she could go . So sad , but I needed someone to help bring Peter out of his shell , so I looked around . There was a calico kitty who called to me . She reached out and meowed and made a fuss . I thought she might be good , and took her out to see what she thought of other kitties . She did not stop meowing , telling me all about something or other , and wasn 't amused when I tried to get her reaction to another cat . I don 't think that she cared about the cat one way or the other , but was annoyed that I wasn 't listening to her story . Well I was still there for Peter , and since he is located on the other side of the wall from the bedroom , this chatty kitty wasn 't going to work for me . I then spied a small solid black kitty . A look at his card said he was 11 weeks old , and his name was Tinsel . I took him out , and he took to me , and showed interest in other cats , so I claimed he was the one , and off we went . He was a little over dramatic in the ride home , and I told him he was fine and asked him to not be so overly dramatic , and he quieted right down . He made another little fuss after we got home and I put him outside the door where Peter is . Well Peter started singing back to him , which to me sounded like a good start . Tinsel is EXTREMELY good with Peter . He engages , but backs off when Peter becomes upset . When I 'm playing with the toy , Tinsel will play unless it gets too near Peter , then he backs off to see what Peter will do . He 's also not afraid to " impose but not force " himself on Peter . I 've seen him run up to him to play with him several times . Each time Peter hisses . The first time Tinsel walked away . The second time he went back immediately to see what would happen . The third time he tried a few times before giving up and walking away . I like that he is engaging Peter but not forcing himself on him . He seems to have a real regard for Peter 's feelings and understands that Peter is a little slow in accepting things . Like I had to get past Peter 's defenses and kept imposing myself on him despite being hissed at , so is Tinsel . I like that they are going to be together 24 hours a day so maybe Tinsel can make more progress with Peter and teach him how to be a " real kitten " I find that calling the new kitten " Tinsel " is a little hard . It is a harsh name . Its cute and timely , but it doesn 't roll off the tongue when calling kittens , so I find myself calling him Tin , and moving on to Tim . It is very Cratchit - y in there , with ( tiny ) Tim and his brother Peter . . Officially he 'll remain Tinsel , but he 'll probably be called Tim while he 's here for the week . on an odd note , I did a count of kittens for this season , and Tinsel makes # 16 . I was a little surprised how few kittens I had this year , but I did have two pregnant cats who took over a month to give birth , and each only had three . I 'm curious how many kittens I 've fostered over the years since I 'm coming up on year # 9 . Maybe one of these days I 'll go back over all of my records and count . I remember the early days of fostering and how I was still using film . Taking photos of kittens with out digital was a nightmare . I was so thrilled to get my first digital . It was so expensive at the time , and an equivalent now would barely cost $ 10 . . lol I didn 't start this blog until my 8th or 9th litter , back when I had Kodi and was so concerned about him and " Scooter " ( who later became Muffin ) and " Melvin " ( who became Eli ) I was being annoying with updates and I thought I should make a place to give daily updates on them and I could talk as much as I wanted about kitties because it was on my terms . So much has happened since then . 1400 + blog posts later . . . here we are : ) Ok , maybe happy happy is a bit over stating . . . Yes Muffin , more then a bit . How about Grumpy Grumpy Elf time . . . But then again you do know Santa Claws is watching right ? Fleurp was about as thrilled as Muffin was . I think it was the bell on the top of the hood part that did them in . Although I do think the other cats got a kick out of watching them try to wear the outfit . It looks like we have made some serious progress . I won 't say that for certain for a few days to make sure the french fry smell doesn 't return . There are still some spots on him that I 'm pretty sure are grease , but for the most part he is sweet smelling and looks like I think he should look . It looks like he 's got a " sash " of buff across his belly ( sorry , no photo ) that looks a lot like a beauty pageant sash that is oh so adorable . He was much more objectionable to this bath then the last . It was adorable to see that he was feeling comfortable enough to try to squirm out of getting wet , but it did make it a little harder to do it . Despite my warming up the room a bit , and using warm water and keeping him cuddled to me to dry him , he still shivered quite heavily . Broke my heart . I tried putting him near the space heater , which he really really liked . I got him as dry as I could , and left to do some holiday baking . I checked on him 20 minutes later to find him snuggled up to the heater . It was adorable and a little sad at the same time . He was mostly dry ( under his tail was still a little damp ) and was happy to see me . He did not run but let me pat him , and nibbled on the ground turkey I had brought him . I went back to baking , and did some wrapping , and had dinner , and went and spent a little more time with him . This time he was hanging out behind the toilet , but he came out rather quickly when I waggled the toy in his direction . He still mostly ignores it , but I do think it helps him understand that it is time to interact with me and he 'll get patted . I brought in a brush , a comb , and a pair of scissors to get the gob of grease that was hanging out at the base of his ear . He LOVED being combed with both the brush and the comb . I am still so surprised at how much he is shedding . I suppose I shouldn 't considering what he has gone through , but kittens never shed so I 'm just not used to it . He coats what ever I 'm wearing when ever I hold him , and I took quite a bit off with the comb . The comb was also helpful in getting the gob of grease that was hanging out on his flank that I couldn 't get off with the bath . He just LOVES being patted . It is unbelievably sweet . He rolls around and offers different sides . I tried to get him to play with the toy some more , but he was still basically ignoring it . He liked it when I moved it rather quickly in front of his eyes , but he was unable to make the connection to reach out and catch it . I couldn 't stand it , and just an aside , I offered him a can of Iams this morning . It is being totally ignored . I even put a small piece in his mouth and he spit it right out . He preferred dry to Iams . I can 't understand why so many people still love it for their cats . I can 't get ANY of my fosters to eat it . I 'm sure my crew would eat it , but they eat poptarts so they don 't have the most sophisticated of pallets . When I went to see Peter ( Oliver ? ? ) this morning , he wasn 't in the trash can ! ! ! He was hiding behind the toilet , but still , it was huge . I got him to come out on his own by offering him some food , which is also a big step for him . His tail is still mostly between his legs though . I can get him to lift it when I scratch his tushie , but it immediately drops when I move somewhere else . I started him on Rescue Remedy last night . I brought him out of the bathroom for a quick walk around the house ( and gave him his first dose ) He saw all of my cats , and I could see he really liked the idea of other kitties . He must have been part of a clowder before coming to the shelter . I wish this were a few months ago , so I could find him a friend as I bet he 'd come out of his shell a lot faster with someone to cuddle up to . And yes , the toys need to be replaced daily . This year because of the placement of the furniture , it was the lower 3 / 4ths of the tree , not the lower 1 / 2 as past years . It makes me smile . Toys they have no interest in year round are suddenly fascinating when they are on a tree . Reminds me a little of being a kid and being fascinated with the tree . I just hope they don 't knock it over and hurt themselves or someone else . They haven 't in the years we have been doing this , but Skippy didn 't climb in the tree last year . . So last night I sat with Peter ( I 'm thinking of changing it to Oliver ) and he wouldn 't come out to see me , so I eventually pulled him out . I offered him some shredded type food , thinking that would most resemble the food he 's probably used to scrounging . He went right at it , and over the course of the night ended up eating the entire can . He did stop eating for a while and came closer to me for some scritches . I am not content with that , so I pulled him right up into my lap and snuggled him for a while which he didn 't object to . I then laid him on my lap and patted all the good spots , and he purred and purred . He offered me his belly again and I patted that . He liked having his face patted , so each time he rubbed his face on my hands I started paying attention to his face again . After a while I got concerned again that he might not be eating enough , so I took a piece of dry food and offered it to him . He wasn 't interested , so I popped it in his mouth . He got a little concerned about that , but did eat it , but patting time was over . He jumped off my lap and went and hid behind the toilet again . I tried calling , and offering air scritches , but he just sat there and looked at me . I brought him a feather wand , and tried enticing him into play with it , but he mostly ignored it . I think it did ease the concern though , because after a few moments of wiggling it near by , he came out on his own . He ignored the feathers so maybe he would have come out if I hadn 't , but I do have the distinct feeling that it helped . He took a few more bites of the canned food , and looked around a little more . I reached out to pat him , and once I touched him , he started purring again , and moving so I could get the good spots . He is very reluctant to put up his tail though . I had him doing elevator butt , but still his tail turned under . Some more patting and some more loving , and the tail started to be airborne , but for the most part it was wrapped around his feet or tucked under . I got him back on my lap ( he walked over my legs on his own , and sat under my knee before I moved him ) , and offered dry food again . This time he ate it right out of my fingers . more pieces , more snacks . made me smile . He wanted to snuggle all night long , but sitting in the bathroom isn 't very comfortable and I was quite tired , so the next time he climbed off my lap , I got up and went to bed . This morning he was sitting at the door again crying . I think he wants contact with the other cats in the house . When I got up to see what he wanted , he scurried back into his hidey hole . When I went in with breakfast , he refused to come out . I wiggled the feather toy in front of the opening , and no go . He did start purring though , which was quite humorous since it echoed . The possible set back ? I needed to take a shower , and I think that freaked him out even more , but hopefully since nothing bad happened to him , and he 's still safe and warm with food , that he 'll realize he is safe and he 'll be more willing to come out and visit this evening . I can 't tell you how badly I want to give him another bath . . and a really good scrubbin ( think cartoon wash basin with a scrubbing board ) three baths down and he still smells like a fast food joint . He is shedding pretty badly when you pat him . Probably from the poor nutrition he got when he was alone . I 'm just so not used to kittens this young shedding . Silly boy . I think he looks a little better in this photo though ( despite the trashcan background ) I was able to get some of the oil off him , but not all of it . I plan on waiting quite a bit before giving him another , but that isn 't set in stone . When looking at his feet and ankles , I noticed his skin was rather raw looking and even had a speck of blood . I can only imagine what he went through . After the bath , we had a little cuddle time , and he made biscuits and even let me pat his tummy ! ! I can 't quite understand why I 'm scary as all get out when I 'm not touching him , but the second I do , I 'm the bees knees . I try not to force shy kittens out of their hidey holes , but I had to take him out of the carrier twice since he 's been here , which is why I think he relocated to the trash can . When I picked it up to check if he was in there he meowed quite pitifully , so I put it right back down . When I put the camera in front of the can , he meowed again . I think he 's ready to be left alone for a bit . I 'll try enticement tonight to get him to come out on his own . I 've got chicken and a feathered toy . . one or the other surely will work . We put the tree up last night . I 've got gobs of photos to share , but I 'm too emotional at this point to go through them . As soon as the tree went up , Ollie parked himself under it . He has always loved the Christmas tree , and I can 't help but cry over the fact that this will be his last . He is very fearful of me when I am not touching him , but once I have him in my hands he starts purring and becomes quite relaxed . Even the bath wasn 't the event I thought it was going to be . He didn 't much like it when I put him on his back and tried to get the back of his head under the water , but it was more his ears . Once I made sure he knew that water wasn 't going to get in there , he relaxed . He isn 't a fan of water , as he headed out of the sink when ever I let go of him , but not as quickly as you might think . More of a slinking out of the sink then a bolt . He was so good when I wrapped him up in a towel . . . almost to the point where I started to get concerned . Kittens who are too pliant are often not feeling well . He ate most of the second helping of hamburg I gave him last night , but didn 't touch the dry or the canned , so I opened up a can of AD and was going to force feed him , but once he smelled the AD , he perked right up and was very interested . he ate a few bits on his own , but I wanted to make sure he got something , so I mixed some with water and gave him about 20 ccs of it . He was very interested in eating on his own though , so I put some more straight AD in a bowl and he started eating . He then tried to eat the dried up hamburg that was left over , so I picked up the bowl and left him with the AD . He was so disappointed that I took the hamburg away , I had to give him a little of the crew 's raw . Hopefully he 's munching down on one of them and filling up his tummy . He 's just so skinny I went to the shelter today . They had their open house on Saturday ( ended before I got back into town ) and I love seeing the place well stocked . It looks like they had a good turn out , because there was a lot of everything , and there was even overflow . It is really nice to see , but it is a little sad to know that in just a few weeks it will all be gone . I poked around a little . There was a cage full of five older kittens . Friendly little sots , all vying for attention . They 'll get snapped right up . There was only one other cage with a kitty in it . Poor little 8 week old boy who was found after he had apparently fallen into a vat of cooking oil . Determined by the smell and the state of him . He is all fur and bones , so I can imagine he was trying to get a little something to eat and got more then he bargained for . He had already had two baths , and it was still not looking good for him . He still smelled and looked pretty dirty . Yup , I snagged him and brought him home . He is very freaked out by everything , so he 's just hunkering down and trying to avoid everything . He likes being patted , and he starts to purr , but he does keep eying me when I try to get him to eat . He was not all that interested in kitten food , but he did enjoy a bit of the hamburger I brought home . This is his second plate of meat . I checked his litter box when I was at the shelter and he had a firm stool , but he defecated in the carrier and it was soft and smelly . Hopefully that is just a case of the squirts because I hate diarrhea . He 's hanging out in the bathroom as opposed to the kitten room because the kitten room gets cold , and he 's going to need at least one more bath , and I thought it would be easier for him to not have to walk through the house . He seems to really want to cuddle , but I don 't really want to get that close to him until he 's had another bath . Yes , that 's mean . It shouldn 't matter that he stinks and has some poop on him , but I 'm still exhausted from the trip and I 'm dealing with a cold and I just didn 't have the energy to make sure I cuddled him and didn 't get covered in debris . Not sure what to call him . I 'm totally open to suggestions . I figure I 'll have him past Christmas , so a Christmas name doesn 't seem right . I was thinking Noel - as I have a cousin with that name but it is probably too Christmasy . Then I was thinking Tiny Tim , but again too Christmasy . TT 's brother is Peter , so currently that is what he is being called , but I doubt it will stay that way . This morning was a lot of fun and full of cats ( and yes , feeties on my bladder ) . I didn 't mention it , but I was on vacation last week . We went to Florida , did a cruise to the Bahamas and then a few days in Orlando . I do not travel well at all , and so I do it as infrequently as possible . DH loves to travel , and he got an opportunity to go to FL back in October for work , and this particular instance was being held at a fancy hotel , and when we get that opportunity I usually spring for a plane ticket and go with him . Well his mom took a turn for the worse , and we ended up not going , so we had plane tickets and the such so we rescheduled once she passed . So we scheduled and my uncle passed a few days before we were supposed to leave . So in my stress of leaving my kitties , and traveling , I had some grief to process as well . Fortunately my sister and my Aunt ( and their son ) all told me I should go on my trip and not feel bad about it . Didn 't help , I still did , but I did go . ( to top off the guilt , they lost their other son a few months prior to a blood clot which I believe was a complication to cancer they didn 't realize how bad he had until after he passed ) I was worried most about Ollie and the progression of his tumor . When we got home , he was obviously uncomfortable , so I started the metacam again . I can see where he 's starting to give into the fact that this is going to be his life now . He is by no means ready to give in , but I see the possibility of it , which I hadn 't seen before . Jack woke me up giving me kisses and pawing at my face . He very much acts like an adoring lover in the middle of the night . Unfortunately I came down with a cold while traveling home and the exhaustion of the cold and the trip , I couldn 't give him the attention at 3am that he wanted . In the morning though , we were COVERED in all of the cats . DH got up and went out for a bit , and the nine of us just snuggled into the bed to catch up on the TV I had missed . through out the day , every single one of the kitties came up for their own one on one time . I got a call from the shelter while we were gone asking us to take new kittens . I wanted to get up and go see them and see if they still had them but I just wasn 't up to it physically . I didn 't think I 'd have the opportunity to get new fosters again this year . . . but maybe there will be more . |
We 've really hit our stride with Tomalee - Two , finally ( knock wood ! ) . I got the financial report this morning , and I almost can 't believe how good it 's looking . Profits are so consistent that I think we 're going to break even months earlier than expected - WAY sooner than we did with Tomalee . Don 't tell Tommy , but I 'm even kinda - sorta scouting locations for a restaurant in Falkenburg ( no , I will not swear not to call it Toma - Three ) . Oh , and the cookbook is doing better than anticipated , too ! So , you know I 'm doing interviews for a new Tomalee manager since Casey is moving . Thanks to timezones , I was video - interviewing this guy while Tommy was in the other room giving Tomlyn her bath . Or , at least , he was SUPPOSED to be . I know I need to enjoy the early years , but dang is this girl making it hard ! I swear , the boys weren 't nearly , so , well , bratty . Tommy says she must get it from me , but I 'll have him know I have always been a perfect angel ! ( Shut up . I 'm a little worried about Jasper , Nora . He 's on the soccer team ( I don 't care what they call it here - it 's soccer ) but he doesn 't really seem that interested in it . It seems like he only wanted to play because Logan does . Tommy and I have both tried to find stuff that interests him , but he just says he 's fine . And he SEEMS fine , so I don 't know why I 'm worrying . I guess it 's just a feeling , you know ? He IS only nine . Plenty of time for him to figure out his interests , I suppose . Well , he made this new friend , Tobias . Tobi came over to the house the other day to work on a project , and he just looked SO familiar that I had to ask him about it . Guess who his grandfather is ? Alex Rosebrook ! ! ! Turns out , I actually met his mom forever ago that day I got Alex to sign his book for you . Isn 't it so funny ? Of all the people Logan could 've made friends with he ends up best friends with Alex Rosebrook 's grandson . He 's a sweet kid , too . Always talking about this French girl he only gets to see at summer camp . It 's kind of adorable , really . Logan 's been so moody since we moved ; I think Tobi 's good for him . Oh , I can 't believe I almost forgot to tell you - Tommy is going to take over the construction business ! His boss got diagnosed with cancer ( he 's supposed to be fine , thank God ! ) , and he wants to retire . Since none of his kids want to take over , he 's passing the business to Tommy . I know construction has never been Tommy 's dream job , but , honestly ? I love it . It 's safer than law enforcement ( Cody 's unfortunate accident not withstanding ) and the hours are better . Before I sign off , it 's your turn . You need to tell Caleb for me that I 'm so proud of him for deciding to learn welding . If he sticks with it , it 'll lead to a really good job . You also aren 't sending me nearly enough pictures of Ella . You know I need more of that little cherub in my life . And how is she getting along with her teacher ? ( I still can 't believe she 's in kindergarten ! ) Okay , I think I hear Tommy coming , so I better end this . I can 't wait to see you in a few weeks . I know you 're going to be covering the conference , but you 'd better plan on spending a lot of time with your favorite cousin ! And don 't you even think of booking a hotel ! Logan can just sleep on the couch for a few days . I smiled and took his empty breakfast plate from him . " He went back to Windenburg for a few days . He 'll be home soon . " He was taking temporary leave - actually temporary , this time - from his construction job , as well as setting up a home health aid for Ava so that he could be in Oasis Springs to help with the move . " I think Grandma 's house is a little small for us , so Dad and I are going to find us all a nice big house . " I grinned at them . " And nobody will have to share a room . " Logan looked less than thrilled , but I couldn 't blame him . He had friends and family that he was going to miss , just as much as I did . Jaz was easier to get on board with the move , though he would probably kick up his share of fuss before all was said and done . " Okay , kiddos , go get dressed . We 're going over to Aunt Nora 's today . After lunch , Uncle Josh is going to come over and take you guys to the batting cages . " While they got dressed , I went into the nursery to get Tomlyn ready to go . Traveling with a baby was never easy , so it was a rather time - consuming process . Eventually , though , the diaper bag was packed and all persons were ready , and we headed to Willow Creek . " It is not , " Parker disagreed . He rolled his eyes at his son . " We 've been telling him to start looking at programs he 's interested in . He needs to start taking the ACT , too . " He switched back to addressing Caleb . " With your grades and a good ACT score , you could get a full ride somewhere , but you 've got to get on it . " I laughed softly . " Fair enough . Not everyone can know what they want to do at your age . You know , when we were kids , your mom insisted for years that she wanted to be a violinist . " " Don 't you start telling tales , Loralee , or I 'll have to tell some of my own , " Nora threatened , coming down the stairs . Once at the bottom , she glanced out of the window . " Oh , Josh is here . Caleb , go and get your cousins . " God , I 'm really going to miss this , I thought as I observed the family around me . Not just for my own sake , either ; my kids were never going to be as close to their cousins as I was to Nora and Josh . Sofia and Jasper were just months apart , and only a couple of years separated Logan and Trevor , but they seemed destined to just be relatives , seen only at family reunions . The Yuen 's , Harrison 's , and Thoreau 's would go on being close - just without the Thoreau - Smithson 's . As much as I knew I was doing the right thing , it still hurt my heart how much my kids were going to miss out on . She sat down next to me after he 'd disappeared up the stairs . " So , what 's up ? You 've got something on your mind ; I can tell . " " Yes . Well , no , but yes . " I laughed softly at myself before sobering . " I decided to move . We 're going to move to Windenburg . " The more I said it , the more real it felt . So it was probably going to start feeling very , very real ; aside from my parents - and , obviously , the kids - Nora was the only person I 'd told . I 'd probably be telling a whole lot more . I practically ran into the hospital . Which , really , was kind of pointless and stupid . I 'd already missed it . I 'd called to check in as soon as my flight had landed ; Loralee had been asleep , but Camille had informed me that I 'd missed the birth by a wide margin . Apparently , it had happened so fast that she 'd almost missed it herself . Loralee had told me that I was missing everything , and she was right . I 'd planned to be here - ages ago , I 'd booked a flight that would get me here two days before the due date . It wouldn 't leave until tomorrow morning . As I approached Loralee 's hospital door , I tried to mentally prepare myself . I was no doubt in for a royal chewing out , and I was just going to take it . I deserved it . After she 'd said her peace , I 'd tell her what I 'd decided . I just couldn 't do it anymore ; I couldn 't miss anymore of my family 's lives . I knocked quietly . When I didn 't get a response , figuring she was asleep , I pushed the door open . Instead , I found Loralee at the bassinet . A soft humming floated over to me while she rocked on her feet . For a moment , I just stood there , savoring the tender moment , pretending that I was part of it rather than a veritable outsider . Loralee bent and tucked the baby back into the bassinet . When she straightened and turned towards the bed , her eyes flared in surprise when she saw me . To my shock , a happy smile crossed her face . " Tommy , you 're here . " I opened my mouth , an apology ready on my lips , only to lose all train of thought . Loralee crossed the room and all but threw herself into my arms . I was so dumbfounded I couldn 't even respond at first ; I 'd come prepared for battle only to find the opposing general waving a white flag . My body kicked into gear before my brain actually finished processing the unforeseen turn of events . My arms wrapped around her and held on tight . I probably should 've been more gentle , but the beautiful woman in my arms didn 't seem to mind . When was the last time we 'd held each other like this ? When was the last time she 'd been so happy to see me ? Honestly , I couldn 't remember . When she eventually pulled back , her smile was blinding . " Tommy , come and meet your daughter . " She took my hand and led me across the room . Then she picked up the tiny little bundle and carefully transferred her into my arms . All the breath in my lungs left me as I gazed into my daughter 's face . With her tuft of raven hair , she looked so much like Loralee that it made my heart squeeze almost painfully in my chest . She was so , so tiny . And so incredibly perfect . When I finally found my voice , I whispered , " We still haven 't agreed on a name . " Agreeing to the names Logan and Jasper had been relatively easy , but , those times , we 'd been a unit . Lately , we hadn 't agreed on anything . My brows raised . I couldn 't help but note the similarity to my name . Considering the last months , it seemed an unlikely choice . " Really ? " I put our daughter down and took a seat next to Loralee on the bed . " There 's something I 'd like to say , too . I think I should go first - " She shook her head . " Me first . " After a breath , she said , " I 'm so sorry , Tommy . For everything I 've put you - put us through since your father died . I never considered your request to move , and it wasn 't really even because of all the excuses I came up with . " " Maybe , but they were just excuses . Really , I was plain terrified . I 've been so scared of leaving everything that 's familiar . " She took a deep , shuddering breath . " I 'm not going to keep being a coward , though . I want to support you , and , also , that 's not the message I want to send to our kids . We do whatever is needed to take care of family , even if it scares us . You need to take care of your mom , Tommy . And I need to be right there with you because she 's my family , too . " My eyes peeled wide . Did she think I wanted a divorce ? I shook my head fervently . " No ! No . I do . I mean - well , actually , I had decided to hire a caretaker , " I admitted . " I can 't miss your lives anymore , Lor . " I pulled her into my arms and kissed her with every ounce of love and gratitude that I had inside of me . " I love you . I love you so much . " Hoping I would find everything all well , I stepped into the house . I could tell from the smell , though , that it would be some time before I got to sleep . Naturally , I can 't just go to bed . I turned away from the sight and stepped into the bathroom . Sure enough , there was a pile of soiled clothes on the floor . Not for the first time , Mom hadn 't made it to the toilet in time . " Pretty much . Did you eat before you went to bed ? " It was the middle of the night , but Mom didn 't really keep normal hours anymore . I put a sandwich down in front of her and sat down heavily . " She 's pissed . This is all really hard for her . " I sighed softly . " For all of us . " " Mom , no . " I knew what she was going to say and the answer was an obvious and emphatic no . She couldn 't live alone , that was certain , and I still hated the other option . With a sigh of soul - deep exhaustion , I sank down onto the edge of my bed . I took out my phone and opened up the Facebook app , navigating immediately to Loralee 's page . Even though I 'd just been there , I wanted to see what I 'd missed . I stalled my scrolling on a picture of Loralee and Logan . The caption was about Logan going back to school . I missed them so much . I locked my phone and put it on the night stand because I couldn 't look at it anymore . I raked my hands through my hair and gave it a frustrated tug . Something had to give . I stared at the screen in front of me . It had been a long time since I 'd actually worked on my cookbook , so I 'd thought that I 'd spend a little time on it while the boys were at school . But my mind just wasn 't on it . As usual , I was thinking about Tommy . After a few more minutes of struggling , I sighed in defeat . It was useless . I wasn 't going to make any progress this morning . I shut the computer down and started to get up when one of the two framed pictures on the desk caught my attention . Back when I 'd worked at Simmie 's , Tommy and I had met there so often . On days when he hadn 't had to work , he 'd just hung out there while I served coffee . And he 'd always greeted me with a kiss . I couldn 't remember now who had snapped that picture or when it had taken place , but I could still remember the kisses . I averted my gaze and pushed myself to my feet . I meandered into the kitchen . Usually a kind of sanctuary for me , I thought that maybe cooking would offer the distraction I was hoping for . When I opened the refrigerator , though , all I could do was stare blankly into it . I wished now that Luc and Alison hadn 't taken the boys to the park today . Just when I 'd decided to dig out my copy of Dust to Dust , the doorbell rang . I frowned and went into the dining room . To my surprise , I found Mom on the other side of the door . I sighed quietly and gestured to the living room . " Do you want to sit down ? " Please , can we just not talk about Tommy or Windenburg ? Please ? I laughed softly . " Yeah . Neither of the boys are super happy about sharing a room . " Just a few days ago , Nora and Parker had come over to help get Jasper situated in Logan 's room . They 'd even enlisted Caleb 's help in putting together the new bassinet for the nursery . Mom must 've connected the same dots I did because , when she spoke next , her tone was gentle , hesitant . " Loralee , there 's something I 've wanted to ask you . What would you do if your Mama or I got sick and needed help ? " Tears burned my eyes . In a tiny voice , I said , " I 'm afraid . " I 'd never admitted it before , not even to myself , but there it was . " Moving a couple hours from you and Mama was so hard . Windenburg is an ocean away . Everyone I know - you 're all here . " I wiped at my cheeks as tears escaped and spilled down . " I 'm just - I 'm so scared , Mom . " All of the reasons I 'd espoused from day one - sure , they were legitimate , but they weren 't the real reason I had so diligently refused to budge . It was the fear . Mom squeezed my arm . " It 's okay to be scared . I was downright terrified , you know , to start seeing your Mama again after she 'd hurt me so terribly . But my heart was always hers , and I had to take the leap . You have to leap , sweetheart . " In my heart , I knew she was right . I 'd spent all these months resisting , fighting . Calling Tommy selfish - calling him a lot worse . Really , it was me . I was selfish - a coward . If my parents needed me , I 'd be there in half a heartbeat . Children did that for their parents . I didn 't even feel upset at that dig . I was an absentee parent at this point . While she was there , it was easier to be mad , but , now , I just felt miserable . I stepped into Logan 's room where he was sleeping again . His pain meds really knocked him out . I had never felt like such a piece of shit as I looked down at him . Had he cried out for me in his pain ? The thought of it made my heart wrench painfully in my chest . I left the room and took a shuddering breath . It was an accident . They happened . If I 'd been living here , I still probably would 've been at work . The little boy put his toy down and stood up . He looked up at me with wide , watery eyes . " Are you and Mom gonna get a divorce ? " His lower lip quivered . " Andy 's parents did , and now he hasn 't seen his dad in forever , but I already hardly see you - " " No ! " I interrupted more fervently than was probably necessary . The very idea made my heart skip a beat . Your mom and I are going to be just fine . Grandma Ava just needs my help right now . " I sighed softly . " It 's really hard to be apart . It 's stressful , and it makes us argue . We love each other very much . " Loralee was the love of my life . This time apart from her and our boys was awful . It seemed as if she didn 't realize that , though . I wanted to say yes , but I knew that I couldn 't . Mom was barely okay by herself for a few days . Sarah , who I 'd barely spoken to for years before Dad died , had become a good friend again , so she and her husband were able to look in on Mom . But still , I couldn 't stay for very long . " I 'm sorry , " I said weakly . " I 've got to go back to Windenburg soon to help Grandma . " Jasper looked sad but not surprised by the news . Jasper quickly let go of his depressed mood and threw himself into playing . I wished it was so easy for me . While we played , I couldn 't stop returning my gaze to a picture and a ribbon on the wall . Jasper had won the first grade spelling bee at school . Loralee had told me about it , of course , but I hadn 't realized how important a day it was . Everyone , Loralee 's parents , Luc , Alison , Nora , Josh , Anna , Blake . Everyone was gathered around my beaming son . I looked away from Jasper playing with a toy car . Next to me a young woman sporting a small baby bump had taken a seat . She smiled brightly at me while she waited for my response . I smiled a little , nodding to her . I remembered that feeling . Looking at her , she was probably even the same age I was when I had Logan . How different it was now . My happiness at the life I was growing was always dampened by the uncertainty of our future . How present would Tommy be in her life ? " Do you have other kids ? " The woman asked , drawing my focus back to her . I had the feeling that she 'd asked that at least once already . When she saw she had my attention again , she smiled brightly . " This is my first . My sister had me bring out her little girl ' to practice . ' " She laughed . I shook my head . " I have two boys . " I pointed first at Jasper . " That 's my youngest . " Sometimes , it hurt to look at either of them , but usually it was my little Jas that made my heart squeeze painfully . I frowned as the boy climbed up on top of them . Twice already , I 'd told him not to do that . " Logan ! Get down ! " I couldn 't hear it , but I knew he that he let out a very aggrieved sigh . As he started to climb down , I turned to face the woman next to me again . " Sorry abou - " Hands shaking , I let myself out of Logan 's hospital room and stepped into the hall . I took deep , calming breaths of antiseptic - scented air . Growing up with a doctor for a mother , I 'd grown up visiting hospitals often , so they 'd never bothered me . I 'd felt comfortable walking their clean , white - tiled halls . I fumbled for my phone and called Tommy . Frustrated tears burned my eyes when he didn 't pick up ; he was probably asleep . I called again and almost sobbed when his sleepy voice finally came over the line . " Oh , my God . " I heart rustling - him getting out of bed , probably . " I 'm going to get the first flight I can . I 'll be there soon . " I stood up when I saw the headlights outside . It was late and we 'd left the hospital hours ago while Tommy was trapped on a plane . My fury had remained , simmering , despite the intervening hours since the phone call . " Oh , we 're fighting . " If I hadn 't wanted to before , that question sure as hell made me want to . " Do you see it yet , Tommy ? You 're choosing Ava over all of us . Your sons need you here ! " " Hey , Jaz . Let 's get you back to bed . " I turned my back on my husband and herded the little boy back to his room . As I went up the walkway , I saw the part - time nanny , Stephanie , watching TV in the living room . A muscle in my jaw ticked . Sure , her presence was necessary so that Loralee could keep working nights at Tomalee . But it wouldn 't be if we were living in Windenburg now . She started and twisted to look at me . " Oh , Mr . Smithson , " she said with relief . " I wasn 't expecting you . Wasn 't your flight supposed to be in a few hours ago ? " She got up and walked over to me . " Oh , I 'm sorry . Ms . Thoreau just called a few minutes ago and said she 's on her way home . " I shut the door behind her and went into the living room to collapse into a chair . She was a nice woman , but I hated her just a little . I wanted to take care of my own kids . And my own mother . I rubbed my face vigorously , trying to quell the rising irritation . Some of it was directed at the situation . Some at the nanny . A lot , more than I 'd like to admit , at Loralee . I could still remember the joy I 'd felt the first time I 'd felt Logan move . Jasper , too . But I could barely even remember feeling the kicks of our new little one . She laughed a little and sat down , rubbing one hand over her rounded belly . " We 're okay . Heartburn from hell again today , but , otherwise , okay . " Evidently , she knew I had something to say that she wasn 't going to like . After a minute , I got up and followed her . It could wait until morning . When the bedroom door opened , I shut the kitchen sink off and turned to face my wife . I smiled at her , almost feeling the way I did four months ago . " Just in time for breakfast . You want an omelet ? " She nodded and sat down at the bar while I turned on the skillet again and started beating eggs . When it was done , I set it in front of her and took the stool next to her . I took a slow , deep breath . " So . We both know the current arrangement couldn 't last . " I just couldn 't keep flying back and forth every few days to a week . " We need to move , Lor , " I said , almost begging . " Mom - she 's not doing well . I had to move her bed to the living room because she can 't do stairs anymore . " My wife squeezed her eyes shut , rubbed them , and then shook her head . " No . My heart breaks for her , but there are people who can help her . I know you want to be there for her but - " " Just stop , Loralee . " I 'd known it would go this way , for all that I 'd hoped otherwise . My heart clenched in my chest . Part of me couldn 't believe what I was about to say . " I 've got to take care of her . So I 'm moving to Windenburg . I 'll - I 'll come visit every month or so . " Please , Loralee , please change your mind . " Today I 'm going to the station . To officially resign . " The construction job I had in Windenburg wasn 't my dream , but it was managing to pay for all the flights . " So that 's it , then . " Loralee clenched her fists on the countertop . " You know what ? That 's just fine . That 's where you want to be , right ? " She got up , glaring coldly at me . " You go and be there , then . I 'll take care of Logan and Jasper , and , while I 'm at it , I 'll keep on growing this kid , too . So , yeah , go ! Just fucking go ! " She turned on her heel and went into the bedroom , slamming the door behind her . Life was funny . That was something I 'd realized in the last couple of weeks . The day after our trip to Granite Falls , Alison and I had discovered we were on the same page when it came to our foster son , Trevor . Even though he 'd been with us for a relatively short time - less than six months - we were in complete agreement ; we wanted Trev to be our son . I 'd thought once that I never wanted kids . Yet , here I was , preparing with Alison to broach the subject of adoption with Trevor . So , yes . Life was quite funny . Without having to be told , Trevor got up and helped Alison with the dishes . Just that simple thing made me so proud . The boy who 'd never done a chore in his life before coming to us now got up , without any lip , and helped clean up after dinner . It was , really , a small thing - and getting him to do his other chores was not always so easy - but it was everything , too . The three of us went into the living room . Alison and I sat down on either side of him . Before either of us could say anything , Trevor spoke . " Y ' all can just say it . It ain 't like it the first time I been told I 'm goin ' somewhere else . " " We don 't want to replace your mom , Trev . We know she was a good woman . " Troubled , yes , but Trev was always quick to defend her . He 'd shared lots of stories about her that made it clear that she 'd loved him deeply . The both of us nodded . " That doesn 't mean anything has to change , " I assured him . " We don 't expect you to start calling us Mom and Dad or anything . " " Then I 'm totally winnin ' , " Trevor grinned . He walked over to the horseshoe pit and rubbed his hands together . " Come on , Luc . Let 's do dis . " At some point , Trevor had become more than a temporary fixture in my mind . He 'd grown so much since the first day he 'd arrived almost five months ago . He was respectful to me and Luc . He 'd made friends at school - good ones , not ones that made my hair turn gray . And , somewhere along the way , I 'd started to think of this troubled little foster as mine . A short while later , Luc crowed with victory and strutted away from the pit . " That 's right . Don 't try to come between this man and his ' mallows . " " Isn 't , " I corrected . " If you want to feel good about yourself , you can kick my butt at it later . " We 'd found out very quickly yesterday that I was very , very bad at the game . " Hey ! " I wagged my finger at the both of them . " If you two keep up with that , the Marshmallow Master isn 't making anything for either of you . " A cook I may not be , but I somehow had a magic touch with all things campfire . We got back from Granite Falls late Sunday night . I had thought ahead and taken Monday off as well as the Friday I actually needed for the trip . I was exceptionally glad for it when I got up that morning to take Trevor to school . When I got home , I dropped onto the couch next to Luc . He started and looked at me sleepily ; he 'd evidently started to doze off despite the morning news on the TV . While he and I were zombies , Trevor had seemed perfectly fine . He should 've ; he 'd slept the entire ride home . I leaned into his side , resting my head on his shoulder . His hand came up to play with my hair . " Luc , if we were ever going to have a kid for keeps … " Nothing was the same anymore . When Tommy was gone - which was most of the time , for all he said about splitting time - the house felt empty . I felt empty . I 'd never thought that I was a woman whose identity revolved around my relationship , but he 'd been my other half for so long . I 'd forgotten how to live alone - or , really , I 'd never learned at all . I 'd gone straight from my parent 's house to our house . " I don 't know , " I said quietly . We 're not as important as Ava is , I thought bitterly . I bit the inside of my cheek and then pasted a smile on my face . " Hey , go get ready , kiddo . Did you forget we 're going over to Memaw and Granny 's today ? " I watched him go into his room before forcing myself into motion . As I did my make up , my mind was already in next week , planning meals and schedules around Tommy 's stay . I tried to make everything normal - the way it used to be - whenever he was home , but it was getting harder to do so . And part of me thought it was a joke . Normal had taken a flying leap out of a tenth - story window . It wasn 't easy to maintain any sense of normalcy when we were essentially in one long fight . He still wanted us all to move ; I still wanted us to look into home health . And we both knew this " compromise " couldn 't last . Tears burned behind my eyes and I impatiently rubbed them away . I cleared my throat . " Boys , " I said as I moved out of the room . " Come on . Let 's go . " I reluctantly turned my gaze away from the scene on the backyard where Mom was playing with Logan and Jasper . I opened my mouth to tell her that I was fine just like I always did , but , this time , that wasn 't what came out . " I don 't know what I 'm going to do , Mama . " Irritation flickered . That was the second time she 'd said something like that since I 'd told her I was pregnant . Vasectomies failed ; it happened . If Tommy wasn 't going to accuse me of sleeping around , neither should my own mother . " How is he doing ? I know it had to be hard , losing Cody so suddenly . " Mama made the same sad eyes everyone had been since he died . " I wish I knew , " I said bitterly . I hadn 't told my parents what was going on . Part of me , I supposed , had hoped that it would all blow over and it wouldn 't be necessary . But I couldn 't bite my tongue any longer . " He 's in Windenburg more than he 's here . " At her shocked expression , I explained , " Ava 's health has really gone down . I wanted us to hire a home health service , but he won 't even consider it . He wants to move there . " I noticed my voice rising , and I quickly lowered my volume before the boys took notice . " He wants to just uproot our lives and move us across the world . " Mama opened her mouth to speak , but a dam had burst within me . All of my anger and frustration at Tommy just poured out . " What about his job . He wanted to make chief one day . What about Tomalee ? I 've worked my entire life to make that happen , and it 's finally turning a real profit . What about the boys ? Their lives are here , too . Our family is all here ! He 's just thinking about himself . " Her reaction only served to make me more upset . I jumped to my feet . " You don 't understand . There are other options besides moving to Germany of all places . " My own mother wasn 't even on my side . " Logan , Jasper , " I called . " Say bye to Memaw and Granny . We 've got to get going . " If I had to be there any longer , I was going to start screaming . I rushed the two of them through their goodbye 's , refusing to look at Mama or meet Mom 's gaze . On the ride home , the boys were both petulant and sulky , but , then , maybe so was I . Was I so crazy to think about all the things I did ? Was I such an awful person for wanting to explore other options ? |
Orlandel was created by my mother from the initials of her parents - ORL and EL . Now , I use it to honor them for my roots and to keep their memory alive . They are my inspiration . My grandfather , who never knew the word " Can 't " and set out to prove he could , and my grandmother , who always believed in him . Together they created a better world than the one they started with . They taught us to worship God and thank Him for each and every blessing and always give more than you take . Why can 't men find the trash can ? My husband went on a rant this weekend because our son left his empty ramen noddle wrappers on the table after creating a midnight snack on Friday . He kept bringing it up all weekend . . . " The trash can is 3 FEET from the table ! Why can 't you just throw them in the trash can ? " This morning I tossed the empty toilet tissue roll in the trash can - since it was obvious that my husband wasn 't going to - it has been on the counter for 2 days . ( The trash can is under the tissue holder and the counter is across the room . ) I also threw away his fast food foam cup that he brought in with him last night . Admittedly , I do not have a trash can in the living room where he left the cup , but he passed two on his way to bed . We won 't talk about the empty Mt . Dew can on the front porch - I 'm not quite sure who left it there , but I don 't drink Mt . Dew . Or the vacuum cleaner that he decided was trash , but hasn 't quite gotten to the curb . He did toss my toaster oven , with the promise he 'd get me another one , because we had a small fire in it and the glass was smoked . ( It 's been 3 years now , I still don 't have a new one . ) He does complain about the way I keep my car . But there is no trash in my car . Yes , there are things that need to be brought into the house , there are things I need to take into my office , things my grandchildren left , and there are things I might need Friday 's football game if it rains or gets too cold . There is also my 4 folding , camp chairs that I have in there to safeguard . The last ones I had got into the house , then into his SUV , and then to a campout . The last I heard one had fallen into the camp fire and one was being fished out of the lake . He can keep them now - and I 'm sure he will . He won 't be able to find a trash can . . . Friday is the big day of our week because it 's football night ! I could care less about the local college teams or any of the nearby professional teams , but high school football is entirely another story . You see my son is on that team and I live and breathe Cardinal football ! For example , this past Friday night - it had been a dark and gloomy day , with a forecast of rain in the early evening and then clearing . Now , I don 't really like being outdoors ( my husband tells people that I hate grass ) , but what I really hate is being uncomfortable . I don 't want to be too hot or too cold , but most of all I don 't want to be wet ! ! Now I was prepared for rain - I had a jacket , 2 umbrellas , and a towel to wipe down the seats . We waited until just before kickoff to arrive and the rain had stopped - or so we thought . It was a nice evening - not too hot , not too cold - not too wet . Until the 2nd quarter . Then the rain started . Nice and gentle at first . We popped open the umbrellas and scooted close together . Everything was fine . Even our granddaughter was happy . We stayed in our seats during half time because they were dry where we were sitting , but if we got up they wouldn 't be dry any longer . The third quarter started and the opposing team fumbled the ball . Our offense ran out and the coach finally put my son on the field ! Yeah ! ! ! Then we fumbled the wet ball and the offense ( including my son ) left the field . The opponents made one huge play and were within 20 yards of scoring a touch down . My son was sent out to play defense ( which is what he wants to play ) . YEAH ! ! ! They lined up , got into position - and the ref blew his whistle . Everyone stood up , looked at the officials and both teams , the benches , coaches , trainers , and water boys all started running off the field . Parents ( who were all that was left in the stands ) sat in the rain wondering what was going on . Finally , it was announced that lightening had been spotted and the game was delayed for 30 minutes . Well Lightening is a different matter and so , the parents reluctantly Posted by 1 . Color pencils do not scan well . The scanner picks up the wax from the pencil and creates shine that distorts the colors and even some of the shapes . So in order to show my art now I have to find the camera , be able to adjust the lighting without disturbing other family members , and find suitable backdrops for photography . Some day that will all happen at the same time and then I will post my pictures . Don 't hold your breath . . . . 2 . When the phone rings at 5 am it IS something bad . At 4 : 55 I sent a text my son , who replied that he was on his way home . At 5 : 05 am the phone rang . " Mom , I had a wreck . " Thankfully he was less than 1 mile from home , so it didn 't take us long to get there . He wasn 't hurt , but the Jeep is a total loss . 3 . We should all aspire to be wrecker drivers . It cost $ 100 to tow the Jeep 1 / 2 mile . 4 . Panic attacks and stress can make you feel like you 're having a heart attack . Only this one lasts for days / weeks . And the more you think you may be having a heart attack , the more stress you are adding to your life . The more stress you add , the more it feels like a 5 . The difference between local TV and satellite TV is that now I pay to have nothing to watch . 6 . If you live near me be forewarned - you have to drive to another town ( at least 20 minutes ) to buy a spool of thread . 7 . Blogs that aren 't updated are harder to write . That 's my excuse and I 'm sticking to it ! My first class this year was a watercolor pencil with Tina Sue Norris . We explored different ways of putting color to the paper ( multi media board ) and how to move the color once it was there . It 's hard to see in this scan , but the background is white trees , already stripped of all their fall leaves . I really like this medium and I love Tina Sue Norris as a teacher . She is so calm , so sharing , and so funny . As she says , you can 't mess up because it is all fixable ! My kind of project ! ! We used drafting film as a palette - scribbling the pencil in a smal circle to transfer the pigment to the film , then picking the color up with a wet brush . This gave a nice wash to the leaves . After the wash dried a little detail was added with the pencil dirctly applied to the paper , then blended with a wet brush . The background was color washed , then the tree trunks were penciled in and blended . Very quick and easy , but really a nice detail . My second class was a tiger - striped cat that has already been disposed of and will never be seen again . I did learn some things from that class and I will try again , but with my own techniques and style . This class and I just didn 't see eye to eye . I have more classes , but my scans have ended up in nowhere land and I can 't seem to find them . I will continue this soon - I hope ! I just spent a week in art heavan - for me at least ! I attended the Heart of Ohio Tole convention ( HOOT ) in Columbus , OH . This was my sixth time to attend and I can 't wait for next year ! ! I was able to take 5 color pencil classes and 1 acrylic gouache . I floated home in a haze of what I can do and plans for many , many art projects . I hope I can do at least a fourth of them this year . Picutres will be posted ( tomorrow , hopefully ) , for those who care to look , but mostly for me - because I DID ! ! ! Today is my son 's 18th birthday . My son is still at football camp . On his birthday . Before he left he said , " Mom , this is the last time you 'll see me as a 17 - year - old . " My heart has been hurting ever since . My baby is grown up . When my daughter turned 18 , it didn 't hurt like this , although it did a few weeks later , when I drove away from that dorm in the middle of Kansas without her ! But I had her brother and he kept me busy ( he was 5 at that time ) , so I didn 't have time to think . But this is my last one . My nest is not empty ( he says he is going to a college where he can commute , because he 's not leaving home ) , but it seems different . Of course , he 's been gone all week , so the house should seem emptier , but we 've been at VBS ever since he left , so we haven 't had much time at home . And our oldest granddaughter has obligingly asked to spend the night with us twice , so she has been an extra person , but it 's just too quiet or something . My emotional milestones have never been the same as everyone else 's . My mother wept for days when each of her children started first grade . I pulled away from the school with a happy heart . The day my daughter started middle school ( at my old Jr . High ) I cried all the way to work and for most of the morning . When I dropped my son off for his first day at middle school ( now moved to my old high school ) I sobbed so hard I had to pull over . When my daughter started college it really didn 't bother me ( except for the 800 + miles between us ) , but her graduation day was one of the saddest days I have experienced . I don 't know why 18 is hitting me this hard … . maybe it 's just because this is the first birthday that he hasn 't been at home . Or this is his last year to play football . Or because he 's a senior this year . Maybe it 's because he keeps reminding me that he 's 18 now . Maybe it 's because I really think he doesn 't need me anymore … . . Of course when school starts and I 'm pulling my hair out over his grades , everything will be back to normal . It 's almost August - my favorite time of the year . First of all both of my children were born in August - the 3rd and the 5th - ( and many years apart ! ) . But the second week of August is my anual pilgramage to Columbus , OH for an awsesome convention called HOOT . HOOT stands for Heart of Ohio Tole and while it was created and is dedicated to Tole and Decoraitve Painting , they also have classes availble in other media . Oil and watercolor classes have been a mainstay over the past years , but recently color pencil classes have been available . Last year I took 5 color pencil classes and I am signed up for 5 again this year . I can 't wait ! I am taking a color pencil class with Pat Lentine . Last year I did this color pencil drawing in one of her classes . This year I 'm taking a portrait of a collie . I love her children more , but the collie is a great design and she will teach how to do hair / fur . She is really a good teacher and I love her classes . Another class I 'm taking is with Marian Jackson . She is a wonderful teacher too . I had two classes with her last year and have done a packet of hers on my own . St . John 's Rose was a real stretch for me and this is my second attempt . ( The first attempt is long gone and hopefully was not seen by anyone ! ) . This would have been a great class for me to take , but I couldn 't get to the live one and had to settle for the packet . This is probably my favoite color pencil drawing yet , but I 'm still new to this . I am taking one acrylic class this year . It 's a closeup of a deer head . My husband is very supportive of my ' hobby ' and makes sure that no matter what else is going on I get to HOOT , so this one 's for him . I hope I can do it justice ! If you want to see more of my work - I don 't photograph much of my art - but some of it is here . I will be sure and post my finished classes from this year too . Just today , as I was desperately trying to find a photograph that I had packed away , my son ( who doesn 't even know I have a blog and that this is a ' current topic ' ) picked up an old , framed portrait of an ancestor and told me that was the same man he 'd talked to . I told him that man had never lived in the house and it couldn 't have been him , but my son is still insisting that it is the same man . My mother said that it is one of her mother 's relatives and never even lived in Georgetown . He still swears it 's the same man . That puts a whole different spin on a " haunted house ! " My mom 's house has been her home since she was 18 years old ( 1945 ) . She moved to Brazil for a 18 months ( she counted every minute until she was back home ) and West VA for a few months , but other than that she 's been in the same house . She doesn 't believe in ghosts and almost always has an explanation for what her children proclaim to be ghosts . My first bedroom to myself was at the top of the stairs in the front of the house . It was part of the original house that was built in the late 1700 's / early 1800 's . I lay in bed every night and waited for the " ghost " to come up the steps . I could hear the kitchen door shut - downstairs and all the way to the back part that was added on in the 1900 's . I could hear the kitchen cabinet ( the old , metal type that was popular in the 1930 - 1940 's ) drawers being pulled open and closing again . I could hear the piano stings jangle as if someone were walking down the hall past the piano . And I heard them come up the steps , 1 . . 2 . . 3 . . and so on until they got to the top step , . . . 21 . Then all was silent and I could go to sleep . My mother wrote this all off as the " house settling " . You 'd think a house that was that old would have settled . Once , when my brother was in my room , he heard the footsteps and he refused to come into my room for quite awhile after that . His room was just across the hallway from mine , but he had never heard any of it . Years later , he , his wife and daughter spent the night at my mom 's house . His daughter , my daughter , and I were sleeping upstairs while he and his wife slept downstairs . About 11 : 30 he heard a noise and went into the kitchen to investigate . He saw a tall man , dressed in all black , walk from the outside kitchen door into the family room . However , when my brother got to the family room - a very short distance - there was no one there . He immediately ran to the front of the house and alerted me . There was no one upstairs ( except us ) and a search of the downstairs did not reveal anyone there either . About ten years after that , I saw the same thing while hoCathy G . I have always wanted a water garden . It just seemed so calm and beautiful with a small , bubbling pool of cool water with plants hanging over the edge of the water looking at their reflection in the water . I have read many articles and how - to 's on the joys of water gardening . I have read how to make one that is fairly maintenance free . I have also heard from other people who have had one how easy they are . And , yes Jessi , I have heard how much trouble they are - from more than one person . But this is what I wanted and now I have it . My small pond is not exactly what I have envisioned , but hey , it 's a start ! My little tiny , " carny " goldfish are not exactly the huge , beautiful koi that I saw swimming in my water garden . The few flowers that I did manage to get planted don 't seem to want to get near the ponds edge ( except for the Japanese Bloodgrass , which dips it 's blooms into the water every time it rains ! ) . But nobody ever , ever told me about how emotionally hard this is ! After resigning myself to too many fish in too small a pond , I have started feeding them huge amounts of food . I thought everyone was happy and getting along just fine . Then it started raining . My little pond got fuller and fuller . Last night I went out for one last feeding before I went to bed and noticed that the water was trickling over the edge . I got a cup and started bailing water out to lower the water level so that the cats and assorted wild animals that I have been told feed on fish ponds like mine would have a harder time getting to the fish . Now , you need to picture this . It 's almost midnight , it 's drizzling rain , and I am standing in the garden barefoot bent over the pond bailing water out by the cupfuls . Also on my mind is that I am dangerously close to the driveway where my little ghost boy likes to hang out . I did announce my presence when I came out the door , but you never know if ghosts really listen - and I do have neighbors . I can 't just yell to the ghosts . So , anyway , I 'm bent over the pond , when I hear a noise directly behind mePosted by My fish tale started when my son and his girlfriend won fish for my garden pond at our county fair ( first post and second post ) . So , my little pond has been bubbling along with my little fish colony for about a month now . We went for a day trip on July 4 and were gone all day on July 5 , so I turned the fountain pump off in order to save my electric bill , mainly because everyone tells me that my pond pump will skyrocket my bill and I have enough trouble keeping the AC going ! So , without my pump going and two days of full sun , I arrived home on Monday evening to a pond of totally grass green water . Now all of my pond maintenance " expertise " is coming from magazines that say how soothing and wonderful the sound of running water is and how much you will enjoy your new water garden . It would be more enjoyable if I could see the fish . My son decided that we needed another algae eating fish , so he purchased that ( even though it made an odd number of fish in the pond , he is living with it ) . It can 't possibly eat enough to make a difference this year . So I purchased some algae eating chemicals . They didn 't work either . We are experiencing serious green stuff here people . After having a family discussion , we decide to scoop the fish out into another container ( my son was pushing for my husbands cooler ) , drain the pond , scrub it out and start over . My husband thought that most of this work would fall on his shoulders , so he stopped at a local bait store and asked the fishermen there for advise . I can only imagine what they thought - they live to fish . Anyway , they talked him into buying 2 more fish . I can 't expain why two more fish will help , but brought them home , he did . The first fish was a lovely ( ? ? ) orange and white spotted goldfish ( yes , I know they are really carp ) that matches my other fish - except that he is 100 times bigger than they are . The second fish - also a carp of some kind - is just a fish . He 's is brown and gray and black and my first thought was that my husband had brought home supper . He is skillet sizePosted by I am stealing this thread from my daughter 's blog ( http : / / jessisscatteredmind . blogspot . com / ) , but I just can 't help it . My mother 's house has ghosts and I love my family 's ghosts ! I don 't want to see them , mind you , but I do love them . One of them is a little boy ( well , 8 - 12 year old ) who seems to hang out around the barn . I only have caught fleeting glimpses of him , but I know that he was there . He wears brown knickers ( or knee pants - whatever you call them ) with suspenders , a light colored shirt and a brown checked tam . The first time I saw him I was backing out of the driveway and glanced toward the barn to get my bearings while driving backwards . I was looking out the back window again before I realized what I saw . I quickly jerked my head around again , but he was gone . All the way to my house I was trying to decide if I had really seen anything or if it was a trick of the light . About 10 miles down the road - in the darkest , most rural part of my drive - my son , who was about 3 and sitting in his car seat beside me ( it was a truck - I don 't put car seats in the front otherwise ! ) , says " Mom , what is he saying ? " Now you have to understand that the only two people in the car / truck was me - who was silently trying not to freak out - and my son . With the hair starting to stand up on the back of my head , I asked " Who said what ? " He points to the space between us and says " Him . " Now , I don 't know how I kept the car / truck on the road , but I knew I wasn 't going to continue on with a ghost in the truck . I was looking for a place to abandon the truck and trying to figure out how I was going to walk the rest of the way home with my child . My darling son , who then started singing with the radio , " Country boys and girls getting down on the farm . " Whew ! ! ! However , my little ghost boy has been back several more times . Almost like he 's taunting me . Just a glimpse , but enough to know he 's there . Since I have moved back to the farm , I try to stay indoors after dark , but there are times I must go outside . I walk out the door , Posted by I always got to drive because my dear , sweet husband decided that it was easier to let me drive than to listen to me tell him how to drive . Then he bought a standard shift . I try really hard , but it 's easier for me to tell him what to do than it is to drive with a clutch . Then my son started driving . I was supposed to be teaching right ? So , I told him what to do . He 's been driving for almost 2 years now , but I still have to tell him to slow down , don 't tailgate , the roads wet so you have to allow for more stopping room . Geeze , don 't they understand that I 'm only trying to help ? ! ? ! This weekend we went to Tennessee - down the interstate and then down a curvy , country road that went around a mountain . My son drove . Now it wasn 't that he was going fast , but he already has one speeding ticket and if he gets one more they will take his license . So , I kept warning him ( ok , so did the radar detector ) to slow down . Then we hit the mountain road . Those curves are deceiving - you need to approach them slowly - right ? I don 't know why he got so testy ! Mom was only trying to help . The last two weeks I have been ' boss - less ' . He was on a 2 week trip with his horse ( and his wife , another couple , and a friend ) to California . I should have had an easy two weeks - right ? Nope ! I think I have worked harder and been more stressed than I was the week before he left . I used to look forward to his trips . I got caught up on filing , cleaned up my desk a little , and did a lot of Internet surfing . But something has happened . Now when he leaves I seem to have more to do than when he is here . This time , I didn 't look up the entire first week he was gone . Seriously , one day I was an hour late going to lunch and another I missed lunch completely . On Friday , I worked until 5 : 10 finishing up , but at least I had a clean start on Monday . What happened ? ! ? ! ? It 's now Thursday and I am not finished with my to - do list . I have worked very hard and I have crossed off a lot of stuff , but it 's not done . There has not been any Internet surfing - you can check ! - and I still have a good 3 days of work left to do in the 1 day that I have . The only thing good that I can say about this week is that the phone has not rung ! I think I will need to take a vacation to recover from his vacation ! Do you think he 'll buy that ? ? Today my soon to be 18 year old son got his motorcycle permit . I can already feel my hair turning gray ! I am quickly reaching maximum stress level and he doesn 't even have a motorcycle yet ! My mother survived this fear - her son was only 15 when he purchased his first Harley . Yes , it sat on the porch for several months before he could ride it down the road . Of course , this is the same son who set out for a month long bear hunting trip to Idaho instead of attending his high school graduation . But she is also the one who was able to force the bear hunting camp to give her an unlisted phone number of a police officer in California that my brother had followed out there when he forgot to call home one night . She is also the mother who completely lost it when I ( at 17 ) announced that I was going to ride to Alaska on a motorcycle ( I got the idea from a motorcycle commercial in the mid - 1970 's ) . Of course , it never happened , but it was a good idea at the time ! I wonder if it was the motorcycle or the fact that I was a girl . . . . . My fear isn 't that my son will not be a good rider . He was 5 when he stole the riding lawn mower from my brother 's house and drove it across the fields to his grandpa 's . He was driving a tractor before he was 10 ( I didn 't find out about it until after he was 10 ) . His dad let him drive on abandoned strip mining roads when he was 12 - after all he was already driving a tractor ! He has raced ATV 's and dirt bikes . He is a good driver . My problem is that all of these people who are coming down the road toward him don 't understand that he is my baby and they need to be extra careful around him . For my sake . Please ! Due to overwhelming success at the fish game , my son and his girl friend headed back there on Friday night . Saturday morning there was a 5 - gallon bucket sitting on my kitchen table . They brought me 7 more fish . So by noon all 9 fish were in the garden pond . Three tried to escape - one was caught and returned to the pond , but the first two were quietly buried beneath a newly planted rose begonia . My son , who doesn 't like odd numbers , brought an algae eater from Wal - Mart , so now we have 8 fishes in our little pond . And a $ 15 water lily to satisfy our granddaughter who requested one . She wasn 't very impressed when she saw what $ 15 buys in the water lily world ( neither was I ! ) , but seemed happy that it was there . The fair has moved on to another town . I really hope somebody checks those bolts ! ! ! I hate to admit this , but I really hate fair week . It started when my son was young . I couldn 't wait to take him to the fair to ride the little children 's rides and watch him eat his first cotton candy . I had taken my daughter many times and we had lots of fun then and even more fun when she was able to ride the bigger rides with me . So , what happened ? Well , first of all my son moves faster than the speed of light , so keeping track of him in fair crowds was a chore . Then as I was watching him ride the little train around and around I began to notice the mechanics of how the ride operated and how it was put together . Wow . All those nuts and bolts and they move it every 7 days . Does anybody ever safety check these things ? When he was old enough to ride the bigger rides with us , everything seemed to spin up high in the air . The Scrambler was gone , instead we had a gynormus Ferris Wheel that I had the misfortune of seeing erected . No one checked the bolts and now my son wanted to go to the top of this piece of rickety machinery . I don 't think so . We finally compromised by going to watch the tractor pulls and demolition derby . Then his next step was to go with his uncle and cousins . Now you can say I knew better , but his uncle really wanted him to go with ' the boys ' and they were still little , so they 'd be on the little kiddie rides - right ? Wrong . They got there , my son went one way , his uncle and the boys went the other . That was the first year we started bringing things home from the fair . This year it was a girlfriend . My son was 12 . She was 16 . Her name was " my girlfriend " because he couldn 't remember her real name . When I found out she had a job and how old she was I asked if she knew how old he was . " Nope . She didn 't ask and I didn 't tell her . " When I wouldn 't let them ' date ' she got suspicious and asked why and then how old he was , so that was the end of that relationship . It never got off the phone . The next year he brought home a rabbit . I spent over $ 100 on rabbit stuff - Cathy G . I hope some one is asking , " Where did she go ? " , but I am pretty sure no one has missed me . However , I will explain my absence just in case . On Thursday , May 14 , my baby - who is 17 ( almost 18 ) , over 6 feet tall and weighing in at 220 - had minor surgery to remove his adenoids and have his turbinates reduced . What , you ask , are turbinates ? Well , Wikipedia says " the turbinates divide the nasal airway into three groove - like air passages - and are responsible for forcing inhaled air to flow in a steady , regular pattern around the largest possible surface of cilia and climate controlling tissue . " So now you have had your anatomy lesson for the day . The Dr . assured us that by having the surgery on Thursday he would be ready to return to school on Monday , thereby just missing two days . This was very important because we are close to the end of the school year . However , after recovery we still have allergy tests to complete and new medicine ( hopefully ) to adjust to , so my reasoning was to go ahead and start . We were told to be at the hospital at 10 : 30 to check in for our surgery . At 1 : 00 we were moved from the waiting room to the pre - op room , where we waited . At 3 : 30 he was finally taken back to the OR for surgery . At 5 : 00 the Dr . told us the surgery was successfully completed , D should " take it easy " for the next couple of days , no straining , and not to bend over - not even to tie his shoes . I went into the recovery room when he woke up and helped him get ready to leave . As he sat up , he remarked that he didn 't think he would be able to walk out to the car , but the nurse assured him that was normal and she would get him a wheel chair . It wasn 't until I was half - way home that I realized I had no wheel chair to get him into the house - and I wasn 't sure I would be able to support him . However , we did fine getting into the house and were on the road to recovery . Sunday night he was a little nauseous , but got up Monday morning and headed to school . An hour later I got a text . " very sick . need to come home . now . " So home , heCathy G . Wow ! What a week and am I ever glad that it is over ! ! ! My cell phone died - as in the white screen of death . So I had to take 3 steps back and use an ancient phone until my new one arrived - which was Thursday night . The bad part of my dead phone was that my son gave me a mini memory card , but since I didn 't know how to use it , I just carried it around in the phone - empty . So now , all of my photos and my ringtones are gone . I miss my ringtones the most ! The phone that I had was ok , but very , very basic . It was extremely hard to text with it - well , hard for me because things like the space key was on a different button . So texting took twice as long - and for me texting when I know what I 'm doing takes a long time ! Also , all of my phone numbers were saved on the dead phone , but backed up online . However , the phone I was using couldn 't access my online backup . ( So if I was supposed to call you and didn 't , you now know why ! ) Of course , this was the week I needed to call lots of people whose number I didn 't have , but should have had . My new phone finally arrived and guess what ? All the texting buttons for things like the space are on different buttons . My phone numbers are back - but now I don 't need to call anyone . I have a choice between 4 ringtones . They all sound the same to me , but I can 't ' hear ' any of them . They are loud enough , they just don 't sound like a ringtone , so I mostly ignore them . So , it will be another week before I can learn all the new twists and get new tones loaded . It 's not that I don 't like change - well , maybe I don 't ! My parents are in their early 80 's - and are doing remarkably well - but sometimes you have to wonder . . . . . . My dad will call and leave a message " Call me when you have a minute . " But you better call fast , because if you don 't he will call you back . If you answer , his first question is " Did you get my message ? " " Yes " " Why didn 't you call me back ? " " I haven 't had time yet . " click - he hangs up . So you call back . " Sorry , my cell dropped your call . " ( Trying to be nice ! ) " No , I hung up . You said you were busy . " " Well , I was , but now I 'm not . ( I had to stop what I was doing to call you back ) " What did you want ? " " I was wondering if you knew if it was going to rain Saturday . " " No , Daddy , I haven 't seen the weather since I got to work today . " " Well , OK . Let me know when you find out . " click . He never says goodbye . When he 's through talking , he hangs up . Now , you might think this is the end of the conversation . Nope . You 'd better find out because if you don 't he call back - in 10 minutes ! My mother , on the other hand , is so worried about bothering you . " Are you busy ? " " Actually , yes . " " Well , I don 't want to bother you and this will only take a minute , do you have time to talk to me ? " " Sure , Mom . " ( I just lost track of what I was doing anyway . ) " I 'm so sorry to be such as pest ; I know you are busy , but I just didn 't know what to do . Are you sure I 'm not bothering you ? " " No , Mom . " ( But you 're starting too ! ) " Well , theres alot of smoke in here and I think my house is on fire . Can you come home and see ? " " NO ! I ' M AT WORK AND IT WILL TAKE ME 20 MINUTES TO GET THERE . CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT . " " No , the house is a mess and I don 't want them to see it like this . I 'll see if I can find it and put it out . " " NO ! ! ! ! PLEASE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT ! ! ! THEY DON ' T CARE ! ! ! ! " Oh , yes , they will . Wait ! ( OH ! OH ! OH ! heard faintly in the background . Is she overcome by smoke ? Is she on fire ? What is going on ? ? ? ? ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I found it . I forgot my breakfast was cooking on the stove . There 's no fire , just lots of smoke . I 'm so sorry I bothereCathy G . If I could have one super power it would be the ability to add time to my day ! I can 't believe how much stuff I have to do and so little time to do it in . Even at work - my inbox gets higher and higher ( and for those of you who have seen my desk , you know that can be pretty high ! ) . I have 2 reports on my desk right now that need to be done , but other , more urgent things keep getting added . Home is the same way . Too many things to do and too many places that I should be . So , what do you think I 'm doing ? Prioritizing and doing the urgent things first ? Scheduling and doing things in a timely manner ? No and No . Here 's what I 'm doing . Nothing like art to make you lose yourself for a couple ( or 4 or 5 ) hours ! I 've been painting for about 12 years , but I don 't have a dedicated painting space now . It takes so long to get everything out , paint , and then put everything back up , so I haven 't done much . Then I found colored pencils . I love this ! ! Just sit down and work . It 's great ! No waiting for paint to dry , not a lot of stuff to have to store . This was a lesson from Marian Jackson , but I didn 't get to the class , so I had to work through it by myself . Hopefully , I will get to take some more classes at HOOT ( Heart of Ohio Tole convention ) this year . I really love doing this ! ! ! Posted by When I was a child , my family would sit on the porch at night with neighbors and listen to my grandfather and Preacher Roy tell tales of their lives . A frequent start to one of their stories would be " Back in the good old days … . . " and I always thought how sad that the past is better than the present . I mean life is supposed to get better as you get older , right ? Wrong ! I miss the good old days . Especially the good old days of analog TV . Life was nice back then . I had a set of rabbit ears on top of my TV and I could chose between 5 different stations that came in with relative clarity . You have to understand that this was the extent of my choices . Cable TV was not available in my area and back then satellite TV was too expensive . When satellite became affordable we weren 't home enough to justify the expense and we were happy with what we had . After we moved back to civilization - where cable was available - we didn 't sign up for it because it was a temporary move and we decided to wait until our house was finished . It 's now been 4 years , the house still isn 't finished and we still don 't have cable . But now we have digital - or at least we are supposed to . We bought the " box " and we bought a new antenna , but we have lost CBS , FOX , and KET . ( I am heartbroken over the loss of KET ) and the official changeover date hasn 't even occurred yet . Yes , I could subscribe to cable , but now it 's a matter of principle - it was free before and it should be free now ! I know I can buy another antenna - but I want a coupon for that ! As a matter of fact , I will give back my digital box coupon if they will give me 90 % off the cost of an antenna ! ! And tell me which one to buy . There is a web site that will guide you to what antenna you need - if you are smart enough to answer the questions - and it gives you a nice color - coded tag to look for when you go to purchase your antenna . However , they forgot to tell the antenna stores to put the tag on their product . So , you 're back to eny meany miny mo Posted by liv Anytime I 've been asked my age for the past 20 years or so , I have responded with a very serious , " I 'm 29 . " I have been so adamant about this age that my daughter even bought birthday cake candles of these numbers that she can use year after year on my cake ( although I don 't think that I 've gotten a cake since that first year - hmmm ) . Well , I hate to say it , but I think my days of being 29 are over . First of all my body is getting old . I ache in places I didn 't even know you could hurt in . My joints pop more every day and I am slowly wearing my ' cheater ' glasses to see with instead of just to read with . I kept thinking this was a temporary illness and all would be better soon , but I 'm beginning to think it 's not . Secondly , my grandchildren are growing up . They are doing things that I remember their mother doing yesterday - at least it seems like yesterday . Maren has just outgrown her first car seat and Brynna just had her photograph taken in a shot similar to one her mom had made at about the same age - 25 years ago ( Jessi cooperated better ! ) . Third of all , my baby is 17 . His age doesn 't bother me as much as where he is in life . Starting first grade didn 't bother me at all - when he started middle school , I cried like a baby all the way to work . Getting his driver 's license was a relief since I didn 't have to get up early in the morning to get him to school . Ordering his class ring was a time of stress - how to pay for it ( they have really gone up since I purchased mine back in 1977 ! ) and would he really graduate the same year as what we were putting on the ring ( it seems that he will ) . But what is making me feel really feel old is the little things - going to the prom and staying out all night . Deciding who , where and when he will take his senior photos . The college flyers that are starting to fill our mailbox . The fact that he can ( and does ) fix my car . Legally he can now hunt alone . He kisses his girlfriend in front of me . I used to think that I would be old in the year 20Cathy G . We are remodeling a 100 - year old school house into a home . My husband and I are doing all of the work , so it 's taking awhile . We are both artists with totally different styles , so there 's a clash of ideas too . We are empty nesters , who never have an empty house . At least one , if not more , of our two children - a boy and a girl - and two granddaughters are always here . My parents , who are in their late 80 's live just next door and we help take care of them . Our lives are never dull ! View my complete profile |
This afternoon we all went to the Watauga Christmas tree lighting festivities . The boys had been looking forward to it for several weeks since we got our November city newsletter . The park was decorated like the board game Candy Land . There were volunteers walking around dressed as the characters King Candy , Queen Frostine , Princess Lolly and the evil Lord Licorice . It was nicely done . There were different grassy areas that had various candy spread on the ground . There was Lollipop Woods with suckers , Peppermint Forrest with candy canes , and something with boxes of gum drops . There was tons of candy so we told the boys they could get one of each kind . While they were picking out what they wanted , one of the volunteers came over and told us it wasn 't time to get candy yet because there was a hunt organized for later . So of course we had them put it back . As Timothy said at the time , it would have been nice if they had put a sign out or something . There was a miniature train ride for the children . We got there just in time to see it fill up and told the boys we would have to wait for it to come back but it wouldn 't be long because it was only a 5 to 10 minute ride . The train came back and the boys were off . So much fun ! While they were on the ride the organizers passed out plastic bags and someone blew a whistle and there was a mad scramble for all that candy . The train came back , the boys got off all smiles and I informed them it was finally time to get some candy . But when we got back everything was gone except for the lollipops ! All those gumdrops and candy canes , seriously ? I told the boys to each pick out one lollipop . Some teenagers had bags full of candy but others were kids whose parents were congratulating them on the huge amounts of candy they They really wanted that Candy Land candy . The part that got me was that I know other people noticed because Collin was not quiet about it . " Why does he get a HUGE bag of candy and all I get is ONE SUCKER ? " I almost went to ask one lady who was with 3 children if we might could have just one box of gumdrops from their pile , but I changed my mind because I know she saw my upset kids and didn 't offer . I told the boys to go grab one more sucker because apparently safety suckers are lame and for babies and no one wants those . It was time to go . This is not about candy . I could buy them candy . It 's about parents not setting a good example for their kids . No one needs 30 boxes of gumdrops or 50 candy canes . And no , I 'm not even kidding . I am at a loss as to how any parent would let their child bring home that amount of candy much less congratulate them on a job well done . What was I saying the other day about not judging people ? Posted by During a high school lunch break in 1995 , somehow the topic of conversation turned to what we all had eaten for breakfast . Back then meals were pretty much a fend for yourself type of affair at my house , so my breakfast of choice that day had been a microwave chicken pot pie . It seemed sensible at the time . Timothy thought this was ridiculous and teased me about it . It has been brought up a few times over the years . If only I had a time machine . I would have blown his little 15 year old mind by telling him in 17 years not only would we be married with two children but he would be eating turkey pot pie for breakfast ! As of today , he can no longer make fun of me . : P I made a yummy turkey pot pie last night with leftover Thanksgiving turkey . It was the first time I made it and I was pretty happy with how it turned out , but I think I have ideas on how to make it better next time . : - ) Posted by cheap lunch . I go every couple weeks or so and get chips and salsa and queso for about $ 3 . 50 . The portions are huge . It may sound like a snack , but trust me . The problem is they give a huge bags of chips with every order . ( I normally get take out ) It doesn 't matter if I just order salsa , I walk out with a two pound bag of chips that will mostly end up in the trash . I feel guilty about this , but I 'm not going to keep eating plain corn chips after the salsa is gone . They give free chips when you dine in , so I suppose they aren 't too fussed about it . So why does it bother me ? Posted by once , briefly , at a funeral with lots of other Nowells that I was meeting for the first time . Through the magic that is the Internet we ended up Facebook friends . Then someone friend requested the other because we have the same last name and I was Facebook friends with his wife Niki too . Little did I know at the time that sending / confirming those friend requests would actually change some of my outlooks on life . prayer warriors that I know I can call on any time . Also , there just aren 't enough nerds in the world so I 'm happy to have expanded that group as well . Niki has especially become one of my closest friends ( it 's a girl thing ) and I 'm so happy to have her in my life . Benny getting to know my Colorado cousins ( mostly online ) I have a whole new outlook on homeless people . Before I was just scared of them and would avoid eye contact and probably hold tighter to my purse . Now , when I can , I try to help . I will go back into a store I 've just come out of and buy a snack for someone . Honestly , it still makes me a little nervous , but it also makes me feel good to help someone . Yesterday I stopped for gas while I was out with the boys . Normally they will stay in the car while I pay at the pump and fill up . I noticed two men sitting near the dumpster across the parking lot . One of them was very old and frail looking . After getting gas , I took the boys inside and bought hot dogs and water and a couple other items for them . I explained to the kids that the two men didn 't have a place to live . They understood and wanted to help . We took the food out to them and told them happy thanksgiving and God bless . They smiled and the younger one waved to the kids as we left . I believe that helping people without question or judgement is what God would have us to do . Too bad it 's not easier to do because the world would probably be a better place . Posted by I went to visit Daddy this afternoon and found him on the floor next to his bed . He falls a lot trying to get himself out of bed without help . They have moved him to a bed that is lower to the floor and there is a mat spread out next to it to help minimize injuries . He wasn 't hurt , but as I 'm not able to get him up on my own I had to get help . After he was safely in his chair I took him for a walk through the halls . He was being really uncooperative today and kept putting his feet down and trying to stand up . He also gets really concerned when there is a change to the pattern on the floor like tile changing to carpet . We had to stop and have a discussion about it every time we crossed a threshold . He kicked off his shoes at one point and that was another stop to put them back on . It turns out I don 't have any patience today because this was all incredibly frustrating for me . Looking back , it 's a bit like trying to push a baby that does not want to be confined to a stroller . We finally got back to his room and I got him back into bed . Then he would not stop messing with the pillow . It 's a very thick pillow and before he had a thin one that he would fold in half . This one was not going to fold , but I wasn 't able to communicate that to him . I just wanted him to talk to me but the pillow was more important to him at the moment . I told him it was time for me to leave . He said , " Well okay . Did you have fun ? " Sigh . " Yeah , Daddy , I had fun . " " Good . So did I . " Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep . Posted by On October 25th Daddy was moved to another temporary psychiatric hospital because he was acting out aggressively again towards the staff of the nursing home . The administrator was incredibly nice about the whole thing . He said he wanted to get Dad 's meds sorted out before it got to be too out of control . They promised me that his room would be waiting for him when he was ready to come back . He was moved to Arlington and stayed for 13 days . When I called to check on him a day before he was set to be transferred back to the nursing home the nurse gave me the incredible news that he had started walking again ! : D Apparently the doctors were able to find a good combination for his meds and it has really made a big difference . I went to see him at the nursing home last Wednesday which was his first day back . He recognized me right away ! I 've been back twice since then and he 's known me each time . He doesn 't know my name , but he knows I 'm his daughter . He 's walking a little , which is wonderful , but I 'm more happy that he knows me again . When it was time to leave the other day I told him to try hard not to forget me again . He said that he sure would try because I 'm his favorite person and he doesn 't ever want to forget me again . I 'm cautiously optimistic , but as of right now - today - I have my Daddy back a little bit . Posted by The boys are both enjoying school . I have never seen Owen so excited about going to school every day . He really likes his Pre - K class . He is learning a lot and having a blast . He misses his old teacher from the 3 year old class and we normally have to stop and say hi to her every afternoon before we leave . He 's been learning a lot about what words start with which letter and matching up the sounds . He knows some sight words too , but it 's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me , so I 'm not really sure how much he knows . That kid has layers like an onion and it 's just hard to tell what is going on in his head . Collin doesn 't talk too much about school , but he seems to like it just fine . We have both had to adjust to his new 1st Grade teacher being not as involved as last year 's teacher . I 'm not sure if it 's just a difference in personalities or just that they expect the kids to be more grown up this year , or maybe both . His kindergarten teacher was wonderful about communicating with me all the time . She would email and call to just let me know funny things Collin did in class that day . This new teacher has been nice , just different . Collin started his gifted and talented classes a few weeks ago . The group of GT students was all put into the same class this year after being identified last year . We are hopeful that this will give Collin more of a challenge than he had last year when he was always stood out so much in his class . I think Daddy is pretty much done with remembering who I am . It 's pretty sad , but it 's a comfort to see that mentally he 's in a happier place . Most days I would prefer for him to be happy and not remember me than to remember me but to be angry and upset all the time . Most days . There are some days I would like it the other way around , but I know this is what 's best for him . He doesn 't remember that I 'm his daughter , and he doesn 't remember my name , but he knows I love him and that he loves me . If that 's the last thing that he can hold on to then I 'm good with that . He is always happy to see me because he 's happy to see anybody . He likes company and he likes talking to people so he isn 't picky about who comes to see him . I am still really enjoying Karate . I like to count my battle wounds and show them off to impress my friends . But mostly I like the feeling that I 'm learning and getting better and doing cool stuff that a year ago I would have not thought possible . For example , not passing out during class was a big relief to me . : - ) Collin 's school had a Valentine 's Dance called the Party Hearty Dance . I never decided it the name was cute or annoying . They hyped this thing up so much at school that it was all he talked about for weeks . And oh how excited everyone was to find out that younger siblings could come too ! They had the school divided in half with K through 2nd graders in the cafeteria and 3rd through 5th graders in the gym . Obviously no one was going to just drop off their kindergartener so the place was packed with parents and babies . I discovered that overalls come in very handy when you need to grab and steer a child through a mob . It was like a Kidz Bop CD exploded in there . Lots of trendy pop songs with the lyrics changed to clean up as needed and all sang by kids . A few times I almost panicked because I knew the words to some of the songs and I knew when there should have been a swear coming , but then it didn 't and the kids were none the wiser . The popcorn was a big hit ! Those PTA moms really know how to plan a party menu that is guaranteed to make your kids beg for money to buy snacks . I 'm not really complaining . It was all very reasonably priced . We paid $ 6 to get in and spent probably $ 5 on snacks . Plus it was all going towards some kind of fundraiser for the school so I don 't think you 're even allowed to get mad at that . Of course my boys are the sweetest in the world so whenever I asked if they saw any girls they wanted to ' dance ' with they just said they wanted to dance with me . : D So we did that a few times . It was a fun experience and I 'm glad we went . I 'm also glad they don 't have these functions very often . : P Daddy had his 78th birthday on July 28th . Thank you to everyone that sent him cards , he really enjoyed them . We went a few days early to celebrate with him since we would be out of town on his actual birthday . Timothy and the boys and I brought him a chocolate cake which he really enjoyed . He ate 3 pieces ! I finally was able to talk to his Nurse Practitioner about his CT Scan results . They determined that he did have a stroke . Although the test isn 't able to give an exact time , I believe this happened in May and that was the cause of his decline . While it 's possible that the stroke could have been brought on because of all the changes to his meds at that time , we don 't know if that is the case and I don 't see any point in trying to blame anyone . I 'm just happy for whatever I can get with him now . We also learned that Dad does not actually have Alzheimer 's as we thought previously , but instead he has Vascular Dementia . The effect is still the same - memory loss and so forth , but the cause is different . In Dad 's case the blood vessels in the brain are slowly shrinking providing less blood and oxygen . While there still isn 't anything to be done it 's nice to have a little more of an understanding of what is happening . Also , I 'm grateful for the staff at this facility because they cared enough to run the test and find out what is going on with him . Posted by I 've been really sick all week . It 's pretty gross . As a result I haven 't been keeping up with stuff like I should . I 've also been forgetting stuff a lot lately . There is just only so much that I can fit into my head before some starts falling out . I talked to Dad 's Nurse Practitioner about a week ago and she was concerned when I told her about his rapid decline . She had a few ideas about what may cause this and said she will get him scheduled for a CAT Scan soon to explore the options . He hasn 't had any noticeable changes since he moved , and I 'm still happy with the staff and care he 's receiving . In other news , I still haven 't finished Dawson 's Creek , but I 'm almost there . These last two seasons are incredibly painful and I can completely understand why I stopped watching the show . I 've spent the last week reading Ender 's Game , which is probably only the second or third book I 've read this year as embarrassing as that is . ( Not counting audio books , those are much faster and require less concentration ) I 've had a problem for awhile now sitting still and doing just one thing , which makes reading a real book difficult . This book is came as a request to join my friend Karin in a book club . The plan is to get a group of us together and discuss the book and release it as a podcast . In mental health news , my doctor convinced me that I really should be on some type of anti - depressant . Apparently crying at work several times a week is not ideal and I should not put myself through that . Neither is having disturbing nightmares that give you panic attacks . Huh . Who knew ? So this mental patient has started taking Prozac . Why do they have to give me all the drugs that I 've heard bad things about ? I guess they wouldn 't be popular if a lot of people hadn 't used them with some success . So far the first day was the only time I had bad sad effects . It seems to be okay as long as I take it with food . I 've even gone up to the real dose already and it was a smooth transition . I suppose only time will tell how this will work , but we are off to a much better start than the last one . Collin was with me when I was shopping and bought deodorant for Timothy . For some reason he wanted to see what it smelled like , so he opened it up and sniffed and said , " Aargh ! It smells like arm pit ! " The trip to the hospital was on June 4 . I forgot to mention that this was the day before I was scheduled to go back to work so I had a required doctor 's appointment that day because I had to be cleared to go back . My plan had been to go visit Dad for a bit then stop to get some lunch before go to the doctor . Luckily I left early . I ended up having to race home to get my Dad stuff ( notebook with info and recent notes , Medicare / Medicaid cards , ID card and my Medical Power of Attorney form ) and try to beat the ambulance to the hospital . I only had an hour before I had to leave to make it to my appointment and I didn 't want to leave Dad . Thankfully my awesome cousins were able to come sit with Dad for a little while . I 'll just let you imagine how my appointment went when my doctor asks me if I feel I 'm ready to return to work . Also , during the previous 24 hours I had been the sickest to date ( So sorry , Sa , ) and I was really not well . I told the doctor I may as well go on back because I couldn 't imagine when all this would become more manageable . Going back to work sucked lemons . Not only did I have to seriously have to cut back on watching Dawson 's Creek on Netflix , but I also had to talk to people . Gross ! It was weird trying to figure out how to respond when people asked how I was doing . I ended up going with , " Well , I 'm here . " I figured most of them were probably happier not knowing how I was really doing . I spent a good chunk of my first couple of weeks back just crying at my desk and hoping no one would notice . One of my sweet friends who sits close to me would check on me frequently and prayed over me when it looked like I needed it . There are some people that you just know God puts in your life for a reason and she is one of those for me . I had been trying for a couple of weeks to get the nursing home to set up an appointment for me to meet with Dad 's doctor . Funny enough this is the same doctor he had at the first nursing home , but this is NOT a good thing . This doctor had refused to fill out paperwork for me to apply for FMLA to have time off work when I needed to do something for Dad . He had also flat - out refused to speak with me over the phone . I mean he was in the same room when I was talking to the secretary and just would not take the phone . Ass . So it was really no surprise that he didn 't want to set up an appointment with me now . The nursing home compromised by setting up a care plan meeting where I get to talk to his nurses and physical therapist and social worker and the nutritionist . Pretty much everyone but the doctor . They also decided to move Dad out of the locked unit because some genius figured out that if he can 't walk anymore his odds of escaping have been drastically reduced . So they made another mess of his belongings and piled stuff all over the place . Seriously , is it too much to ask to hang the pictures back up on the wall so he can have something familiar to look at ? Apparently . At the care plan meeting the nurse was flipping through his daily charts and trying to tell me how well he was doing . She casually mentioned that on June 6 it was noted that they suspected he had a urinary infection and the doctor had ordered lab tests to confirm . I was making a list of all the meds he was on so I asked which antibiotic he was put on and she checked and said there wasn 't one . So she went to check the lab tests to see if maybe they were negative , but they weren 't even there . They never did the test . Mind you , this meeting was on June 13 , a week later . What the hell ? I marched back into the Director 's office and yelled a bit . He took me to the Director of Nurses and I yelled some more . ( I may have mentioned that I would like to see how they would feel after having an untreated urinary infection for over a week . ) The DON tried to wiggle out of it by saying that he most likely doesn 't have an infection because he isn 't running a fever . No , the doctor ordered the test so it doesn 't matter if he has the infection or not you are required to follow the order . Try again . Next she said that they would have caught the infection when they did his blood work up . No , that was done on May 28 and this possible infection was documented on June 6 . Try again . Well the hospital would have found the infection when they examined him . No , that was June 4 , this was documented on June 6 . Care for another try ? Finally I just got " This was an error and our part and we are sorry . " I told them to put him on antibiotics ASAP and that I would call back to check on the lab results the next day . It came back positive for the infection , and before you ask , yes , I have reported this incident to the state and they are investigating it . When I went back to visit at the weekend , I found Dad with the nastiest case of pink - eye you can imagine . I asked the nurses what they were doing to treat his eye and the response I got was " What 's wrong with his eye ? " Seriously . I also found his denture case buried in the back of a drawer from whereI had discussed the list of Dad 's meds with some nursing family and friends . The consensus was that one particular medication was probably causing problems so I requested to stop that one . It 's a 10 day process to come off of that med so we wouldn 't be able to tell right away . Dad was getting so much worse . He didn 't remember my brother who he had seen only a few weeks before . He didn 't remember being married to my mom for 40 years . He didn 't remember my boys . It was pretty much just me . He always remembered me and was happy to see me . The following week I started calling around again . I needed to get him out of this place . I tried to explain to some of the places that had turned us down before how his condition had declined so rapidly . They seemed to feel sorry for me , but they still said they couldn 't take him because his past behaviors made him too much of a risk . Even though he can no longer get out of bed or even go to the bathroom on his own . Again , seriously . I finally called this special Alzheimer 's care facility that is 45 minutes away . A co - worker highly recommended it after her mother stayed there . I figured that even if I didn 't get to see him as often , and even if that meant he would forget me sooner , it was the best option if he was well taken care of . They sent someone over to evaluate Dad . ( This is happening at the same time as that whole deposition thing . whee . ) This is when the nursing home learns that I 'm trying to find another place for him . Believe me , I have expressed my unhappiness with his care several times by now . After waiting the obligatory 3 days , which of course fell over a weekend making it longer , Monday I heard back and they said sorry but no . For all the same reasons and the other places . If an Alzheimer 's specialty facility can 't deal with old people acting out , especially when said person is now helpless , then what hope is there for the world ? Tuesday , I get a call from the nursing home saying they are worried about Dad 's weight loss . I had noticed he was thinner . He is a big gIt does not pass my notice that this arrangement was probably made to keep the Director out of hot water . He most likely heard of my complaint to the state and didn 't want Dad to get any worse on his watch . I don 't care what the reason , I 'm just glad it happened . Thursday , my kind bosses let me take time off to spend hours filling out paperwork for admissions . Then I had to go pack up his stuff and rush to my dentist appointment then back to the new place to unpack . I swear I should just not even try to make appointments for myself because they just get in the way . Friday , I went to visit after work and for the first time my Daddy didn 't recognize me . He thought I was a nurse . I know he was confused because of the move and everything was new and different . There had been times before when he couldn 't remember my name , but he always knew I was his daughter . Never one of the nurses . I don 't think he noticed me crying as I helped him with his dinner . After a while I told him I was his daughter , he accepted that even though it was a new concept for him at that moment . I asked him if he remembered how much I loved him and he spread his arms wide open . At least I 'm in there somewhere . Sunday was much better . He knew me right away and he knew my name and even asked about the boys and remembered their names too . He said he liked his new place except for one thing , there were some bad people . What bad people ? They were called Democrats , and they were trying to push out the good people that are called Republicans . ( I 'm honestly not trying to be political , but this cracked me up ! It would have had the same effect if the goodies and the baddies were reversed , I don 't care . ) I will take a bat - shit crazy Daddy that knows who I am over a nice sweet old man that thinks I 'm a stranger any day ! The bat - shit part doesn 't bother me at all actually . I have kids , I know how to play pretend . I saw him again today and he was still doing well . He told me to say hi to my husband and the boys . He also told me that there was a train wreck and he was sad because he thinks someone may have died . I 'm not sure , but I think he thinks the wheelchairs are little trains . He also pointed out the North and South sides of the building to me and he was really pointing the correct directions . There are plenty of adults that don 't know their directions ( I would be one if I wasn 't married to a land surveyor ) but for a recently displaced Alzheimer 's patient to get them correct was impressive to me . He seems happy and stable for now . The staff seems caring and attentive , so I 'm happy so far . I 'm supposed to talk to his doctor on Friday to discuss his treatment and I guess we will go from there . Now is the part where I send you a cyber cookie if you 've actually read this whole story . I hope to keep this blog very much more updated from now on so that I can just direct people here and I can stop telling the story so many times . Good luck to me ! By Monday I had decided that I really needed some help . I spent a good part of my work day researching company policy on leave of absence and short term disability coverage . I also informed my brother that I needed Going to shrink for the first time is a strange thing , or at least it was for me . I felt like people might be watching me or judging me in the waiting room . ( I would never think less of someone that was seeing a mental health doctor , this is purely my own self - consciousness attacking myself . In fact , my doctor would probably know the clinical term for that . ) There I was wondering if I should even be there . Was he going to just laugh me out of the office ? And how do I even start to explain everything that has been going on ? I filled out a little paperwork and then when it was my turn and the nice doctor asked me what was going on I burst out bawling in his office . Even though I believe this helped my case , it was not intentional . I told him about Dad and that I thought I needed some time off work . When he asked how long I said 2 to 3 weeks and he went with 3 . Then I was handed another , much larger , stack of paperwork to fill out and sent back to the waiting room . After I left the office I sat in my car for about 30 minutes calling in to set up my leave of absence . They really make it difficult to take time off for mental health . It probably would have been easier to break my leg or something . Then I left and had to go over to the lab and get blood drawn . I suppose they want to know if there is a biological reason a person is crazy or if it really is all in their head . My tests all came back normal . That would make me a , uh , normal crazy person ? My official diagnosis was high anxiety and stress . I think the doctor over - compensated by placing me on an anti - depressant , sleeping pills , and Xanax for anxiety . I never took the sleeping pills because I 'm scared that I won 't wake up if I take those , but I started the other two . I broke both of them in half because I was also scared of the Xanax as I 'm sure we have all heard the bad addiction stories about those . The anti - depressant ended up just making me sick as hell for the entire three and a half weeks I was taking it . I tried it at different times of day and different doses , but it didn 't help . I was sick to my stomach and knocked out exhausted for most of those 3 weeks I was off work . I 'm telling you , I know how to party ! The Xanax seemed to be helpful though . I mentioned to the therapist ( that I was also required to see to be off work ) that I was still not able to sleep through the night because I would wake up with horrible chest pains and not able to breathe . I learned that I was having panic attacks in my sleep as well as the ones I already knew about when I was awake . As of now , I 'm still not able to sleep through the night without a Xanax before bed . But even that doesn 't help me to not be scared of sleeping . I stay awake until I literally can 't anymore almost every night . I have horrible dreams that I won 't even tell you about because they are so disturbing . Except for that one I had a few weeks ago when I was hanging out with LeVar Burton , he was lovely . : - ) Meanwhile , Brother came out to help me which I am really grateful for . We went to see Dad at the hospital a couple times . He didn 't recognize Brother at first , which was really sad to see . He was still really out of it . After a bit he understood that his son was there and he was really happy to see him . Dad was still too messed up from the drug reactions to seem to care where he was , but he was happy too see us each day when we went to visit . After about 6 days the hospital was ready to release Dad , but we still had not been able to find a facility that would accept him due to his behavior issues from the first nursing home . The hospital tried to tell me that I was required to come pick him up and keep him in my care because I was the one that dropped him off there . A quick call to Adult Protective Services fixed them up on that option . APS informed them that they are required to find a suitable facility for him . Between myself , Brother and the social worker at the hospital I estimate that we called at least 30 nursing homes that all turned him down . Some because they were full , but mostly due to his records . There was a commitment hearing set up for the following Monday that would require Dad to go to court and if a suitable home had not been found he would be left in state custody and most likely be sent to a state hospital several hours away from me . Finally we found a place that would take him and he was moved on Friday evening . We were very grateful that he would still be close by , but man oh man , this place was ghetto ! It is an older facility that had not been well cared for , it was not clean and the people , with few exceptions , were horrible . Brother helped me get all his stuff moved in and set up for him , but sadly for me , he had to fly away back home to his own life . I tried really hard to be open - minded about the place and the staff . The director seemed nice at least . He gave me his cell number and told me to call anytime . I was worried after a week when I would call and ask about my Dad and the employees would respond with " Who is that ? " Not long after he got there , I went to visit him one morning . I received a phone call that evening saying that they found Dad in the parking lot ( This place allows residents outside whenever they want . ) and he was trying to go in the street . He told the nurses that he was looking for me . Apparently he thought I was still there from earlier . They documented this as an escape attempt and moved him to the secured locked wing of the facility . This is where the really special people go , and I feel so sad for them . People are screaming all the time , I saw a guy peeing in the sink because he didn 't want to go to the bathroom , and others just asked me for money every time they saw me . Dad told me he really didn 't like it there and wanted me to take him home . Yeah , that sucked . When they moved Dad to the locked unit someone had the bright idea to put all his clothes into a large trash bag and leave it on the floor of his room . I complained for 4 days before I finally just put them away myself . The second time I called , the director of nursing actually told me that she had a busy job and just forgot that I had called before . But , it 's okay because they were really sorry about it afterwards . Shortly after he was moved he started to get more depressed and just wanted to sleep all the time . The day before I had to go back to work I went to visit and Dad told me that he hurt all over and couldn 't get out of bed and thought he should go to the hospital . I informed the nurses who then in turn informed me that he had not been out of bed at all for 3 days ! I asked if he could get some pain meds , but they thought it was a better idea just to send him to the ER . He was checked at the ER for blood clots in his legs and they discovered that he did have some arthritis in his knees , so they gave him pain meds and he was suddenly fine . Maybe I should be a doctor ! After this episode , he has not been able to walk again on his own . Please stay tuned for part 3 and hopefully the conclusion of the getting caught up stuff . I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments you have left me . I really appreciate all the support I 've received from you all . I feel bad that every time I post something I just get a flood of sympathy messages . I feel bad that I make you all feel bad . I wish I had more good news to share . Let 's get everyone caught up , shall we ? Dad moved into the nursing home on January 6th this year . The social worker there was pretty much a bitch from the start . She tried to come up with all kinds of excuses why he shouldn 't be there . For example , they had him wear a plastic bracelet that would set off an alarm if he walked out the door , but they also had little outings to Wal - Mart where the residents were able to purchase anything they wanted . When my dad bought himself a pair of scissors to help him open his mail they accused him of intending to cut off his bracelet so that he could make a run for it . There were some really great nurses there , especially one named Linda , that I will always be grateful for because they really cared about him and did their best to take care of him and make his transition easier . Unfortunately , he did struggle with losing his independence . He had a lot of anger about not being able to do all the things he wanted to do . He constantly asked me to find him an apartment and I explained over and over why he shouldn 't live on his own . Then he met a female resident who also has dementia and they got very attached to each other and then I had to start explaining over and over again why they were not able to get married . It seemed for weeks and weeks every time I saw him the first things he would say to me were , " Did you find me an apartment yet ? " and " We need you to drive us to the court house to get married . " It was exhausting and depressing . He was very demanding and called at all hours asking me to bring things to him , but it was nice because he was only two miles from me and close enough that I was able to go visit during my lunch break several times a week . I knew that the nursing home wanted him to leave because they continued to manufacture offenses that they claimed he had committed and unfortunately for us all they also documented these offenses . I really don 't know how much is true , but I was told that he made inappropriate comments and gestures towards employees and residents , that he was aggressive and combative , and that he had plotted and attempted to escape . In light of all this , I was looking for a new home for him , but to the bafflement of the nursing home , because of everything they had documented against my Dad no other homes would take him . First , I had no idea that a person could be turned down from a nursing home . Second , that is what old people do : they get crazy and act inappropriately . Third , what ever happened to taking care of people ? Isn 't that what they are there for ? After a couple of months and being turned down by at least 3 homes , I got THE PHONE CALL . It was on May 10th and the social worker calls me at work to tell me that they have been granted a mental health warrant and that the Sheriff is on his way to pick up my father and take him to a psychiatric hospital on the grounds that he is simply out of control and they are not able to deal with him anymore . Have I mentioned that this woman is Delores Umbridge ? Every word that comes from her mouth is sticky sweet like she 's your best friend , but she 's actually the most evil Death Eater that has ever lived . So she tells me she just wonders if I would like to come pack some things for him or if I 'd rather , she 'd be happy to arrange that for me . Excuse me ? ! I have questions ! What the hell is a mental health warrant ? Why is a law enforcement officer involved ? What are they going to do for him at a psychiatric hospital ? Which hospital are they taking him to ? Yeah , she can 't answer ANY of these because she 's a moron that doesn 't know how to do her job ! They only question she can answer is when are they coming to get him ? That would be between 2 : 00 and 4 : 00 . Oh . Okay . I see . That 's why you waiteI decided that there was no way anyone was going to put my Daddy into the back of a police car when he was guilty of nothing more than being old and slightly crazy . So I rushed over from work . I think there were a few panicked phone calls to my brother mixed in there somewhere . It 's a bit blurry . I ran into the nursing home and went to his room and grabbed some clothes and personal items , then I went and found him in the dining room . I grabbed his hand and told him we were leaving and that he needed to walk with me right now and fast ! We walked past the social worker and other administrative staff , one of whom even tried to run after us . I put him in the car and drove off . That 's about the point when the adrenaline gave way to panic . Was I going to get arrested ? Did we need to go into hiding ? Does this count as harboring a fugitive ? I went to our house and sat Dad on the couch with a magazine and started making phone calls . In the next 30 minutes I made about 20 calls trying to figure out what to do . On the advice of my awesome cousin , I called the police department to inform them of what happened and where we were . Turns out , they didn 't care . Dude I talked to didn 't know what a mental health warrant was either . ( I still don 't understand so google if you 're interested . ) Dad got to spend some time outside in the backyard watching the boys play while I was calling everyone under the sun . ( Magazines get boring . ) They all enjoyed that time together and now I 'm grateful for those few minutes . At the time I was just happy to have them all distracted so I could talk to people . I called the hospital that Dad was supposed to be transferred to and got a bit more information . They were planning to evaluate his medications and make adjustments to improve his behavior issues . They seemed like good people and a nice facility so in the end I decided to take him over there myself . I didn 't know it at the time , but that day may have been the last day of clarity I got to have with my Daddy . He noticed I was crying as we drove oveMy amazing husband had once again been called upon to take care of dinner and baths and bedtime for the boys on his own ( no easy task ) and would have been well - within his rights to be grumpy about the situation . Instead , he tells me that he needs my help in the kitchen as soon as I walk in the door . I go in to see him standing with ice cream scoop in hand and a sheepish look on his face . He then informs me that he has accidentally ripped the bottom of the half - full half gallon container and we are now obligated to eat the rest because we can 't store it as it will leak out of the bottom . Ice cream for dinner after a day like that ? There is no other option . I wasn 't able to go see Dad the next night after work because there was a big storm predicted and this place has a very strict one hour window for visiting . The next day , I missed Timothy 's grandmother 's 90th birthday to make that one hour visit . Dad seemed so confused and out of it when I saw him . He was not himself at all . The nurses told me it was a reaction to the medications . Apparently the nursing home had Dad on 9 different medications trying to control his behaviors and the hospital was bringing him off of those and trying to get him down to just one . That would screw anyone up . You may have noticed that I 've gone into cyber - hiding over the last few months . Now it 's time to tell you why . It all started back around October when I was going over to help Dad at his house I found a letter from a lawyer that was attempting to contact him regarding a car accident he was involved in back in 2010 . I thought I would be nice so I called the lawyer to explain that Dad was sick and really not able to deal with this issue . The lawyer was very nice and told me he was representing Dad 's insurance company . I gave him my contact info and told him to let me know if I could help at all . A few weeks later a get a call at work from another lawyer representing the other people involved in the accident and he was not so kind . It was not a pleasant phone call for me at all . Dad 's lawyer was obligated by law to provide my info to him . A few weeks after that we had a late evening visitor at the door who ever so politely informed me that I had now been served with papers showing I was being sued on the basis that I should have known before the time of the accident that my Dad was not competent to drive and I should have somehow stopped him from driving . Even though this is the biggest bullshit lawsuit ever and an obvious attempt to get money without having a leg to stand on , I can tell you it 's still very scary to see on paper that I am being sued . As these things go , it has been drawn out for several months , but our lawyer was able to get the other guy to drop the suit against me if I agreed to go to a deposition , which they could force me to do anyway without dropping the case . I was really anxious about this because I had already talked to him on the phone and I knew how he could be . We rocked it on Friday and I feel like I held my own and didn 't let him push me around . Luckily no one objected to Timothy sitting by me while I answered questions and he did a great job of not saying anything . Now the case against me is over . It 's still possible that I may be called in as a witness if the insurance company doesn 't agree to a settlement and this ends up in a court trial , but I officially have no dog in this fight . I am so happy that this is behind me . I was hiding because I didn 't want that other lawyer snooping on me . Now I can go back to shouting my useless words for all the internet to hear . I would like to say that I am extremely grateful for those of you that have sent your support to me in so many different ways . I can 't thank you enough and it has really meant the world to me . I would not have survived these past few months without my friends . I will post again soon to give an update on Dad . I just watched the season finale of 19 Kids and Counting . I had seen the news stories and I already knew the sad news but it was still heartbreaking . It 's like watching a movie after reading the book and you know what is about to happen before the characters do . If you aren 't already aware , the Duggar family went to a doctor visit to find out the gender of their 20th child ( I KNOW ! ) and instead discovered that the baby had passed away as there was no longer a heartbeat . Upon hearing the news , before she even had time to take it all in , the mother said , " The Lord giveth , and the Lord taketh away . Blessed be the name of the Lord . " This is part of the reason I watch the show because I wish my faith was that strong and I admire that , or at least I think I do . I know that would not have been my reaction . I know because I lived the horror for only an hour or so of believing that I had miscarried when I was pregnant with Owen . I was put on bed rest at only 5 weeks due to an episode of bleeding . I was home by myself early in the morning after Timothy had taken Collin to daycare and he was on his way to work . I won 't give you all the details , but suddenly there was a lot more bleeding and some other stuff and I was positive that I had lost the baby . When I had been to the ER 5 days before I was told that there was a high chance I would miscarry which is why I was on bed rest . What did I do ? I made probably the most frantic phone call of my life and God knows how Timothy understood me , but he said he was on his way but couldn 't stay on the phone because he had to call work to say he wasn 't going in . I don 't remember a lot of the next few minutes until he got home except I know I was laying on the floor screaming and crying . There was no quoting Bible verses , but I do remember wondering if our baby was in Heaven . Timothy somehow got us to the hospital , I don 't remember much about that either . I know he had to tell the lady behind the desk why we were there because I couldn 't stop crying long enough to talk . I don 't know how long we waited , but finally I was taken back for an ultrasound . Timothy wasn 't allowed to go . The ultrasound tech asked me why I was crying because she was just asked to check me out and didn 't know why I was there . I told her that I had lost the baby . She was sad for me and she said we would just look and see what was going on . After a minute she turned up a dial on the machine and I could hear a static whooshing noise . She said , " Do you hear that ? That 's your baby 's heartbeat ! " At that point I did say , " Thank you Jesus ! " So what does it say about me that I can thank God for good news , but I turn in on myself when I receive bad news ? I think it says that I 'm human . That was honestly one of the most painful hours of my life . And quite the opposite of what was portrayed on the show tonight . I went expecting bad news and went home with great news , while the Duggars went expecting good news and came home with horrible news . I feel so badly for them . I also renewed my anger of all the people that were so outspoken when the pregnancy was announced . I wouldn 't choose to have that many children , but you 've got to admire their courage and faith which is what their whole life is based on . Looks like my first blog in a long time was based on a reality tv show . That 's kind of embarrassing , but maybe this will open the door a crack to get me back into writing . I felt pretty messed up and out of it for awhile and I didn 't want to spread that acid out to all you fine people . But Spring has sprung as they say and I do believe things are looking up . I know , I know , it 's been a long time . There 's been a lot going on around here and quite honestly I haven 't been able to think of a way to put a positive spin on it and I didn 't want to be Debbie Downer . ( I just made that name up . If there is really someone named Debbie Downer reading , I 'm sure you 're very nice . ) Of course there has been good stuff too , but I 've been having a hard time lately . Maybe if I spill it all out on the Internets it will help . I moved Dad into the nursing home on Jan 6th . He was mostly okay with the move . Of course he hadn 't packed a thing , so we did that and loaded up my car . When we first got there they checked his vitals and found that his blood pressure was high . He was not happy at all that they didn 't allow him to keep all his herbal medication in his room to take whenever he wanted . They also gave him a bracelet that will set off an alarm if he walks out the front door . This is standard issue for all dementia patients . We filled out tons of paperwork . Actually there is still more paperwork that needs to be done . I don 't think it ever ends . He was alright for the first week or so . He really likes the food , so that helps . This is the first time in years that he has eaten so well on a regular basis . But then the complaints started . He wants to leave and get an apartment . He wants to take his herbs and medication from his " doctor " who is some schmuck in California that sells drugs over the internet . He discovered that not everyone has to wear the alarm bracelets and now he doesn 't want his anymore . He wants to walk outside by himself . There have been a lot of compromises . I think he is learning to live within the boundaries that have been assigned to him , but he 's not too happy about it . Because he is so close to me now I have been able to go visit him several times a week and make sure that he sees the kids on most weekends . He is close enough for me to visit on my lunch breaks , which has worked out nicely except for the fact that I have about a 50 / 50 chance of feeling like poop when I leave if he 's having a grumpy day . It 's really a crap shoot . Sometimes he 's really happy to see me and other times he has a list of complaints ready for me . I 've found that nursing homes are a lot like day cares . I think I have gotten pretty god over the last 6 years at spotting problems with day cares so I feel confident when I say that I believe that this is a good place and they want the best for my dad . The nurses there are about 85 % awesome and 15 % meh , which is way better than I had hoped for . There 's more to the story , but that 's the main bits . I 'm seriously tired of repeating myself to every individual person , but some of it is too much or too personal to put up on a public blog so I can 't just tell folks to come read about it . I appreciate all of my supportive friends that have helped me through this transition . And a shout out to my awesome hubby that has had to put up with so much lately and has been really wonderful about it . It 's another of those life lessons , and not the first time I 've had to learn this one either . I think everyone has that one thing in their life that they feel like if they could fix it then everything would be alright . Guess what ? It doesn 't work like that . You will find another problem to replace the one you just got rid of . While is super keen that I don 't have to worry about Dad 's basic needs being met anymore and I really do appreciate that , now I get to worry about things like him refusing to take his meds and being upset with me for making him move or my own guilt for causing him all this unhappiness . I would still say I came out on top in that deal , but some days just plain suck . On those sucky days when I 'm leaving and crying my way back to work I put on this song very louJanet Happy New Year Everyone ! I 'm a few days late , but it 's pretty close . I 'm hopping on a bandwagon like a bunny walking over hot coals and I 'm going to tell you all about it . Wheeeee ! I 'm reading a super awesome book called The Nerdist Way : How to Reach the Next Level ( In Real Life ) by Chris Hardwick . It 's a self - help book for nerds plus the author is a stand up comic so it 's freaking hilarious ! I happened to be reading a chapter on 12 / 30 about selecting a word or theme for each new year . It is intended to be your go - to word when you get stuck making a decision or need motivation etc . Being the person I am , I decided I needed to think of a word during the next 24 hours so I would be ready to go for 2012 . Planning ahead is really important to me and I really overdo it . ( I 'm the mom that packs about 3 days worth of snacks for a morning trip to the zoo because you never know if you will spill something or get caught in a zombie apocalypse . ) I 'm sure the world would not have ended if I had taken a week to decide . I even googled the topic and found that this has been a thing for a while and no one told me ! Apparently people are picking words all over the place to define the upcoming year so I 'm late to the party but it still seemed like a neato idea . The word I chose is IMPROVE . I figure that this is broad enough to apply to most parts of my life , but subtle enough to not imply that I 'm seeking perfection . More like practice . If I can improve a little bit at a time then by the end of 2012 I should be a better person for making the effort . I hope to apply this to lots of areas , but here are a few : patience , diet , exercise , punctuality , housekeeping , work habits , sleep schedule . Not to say any one of these is horrible at the moment , but all could stand some improvement . I hope to be able to fall back and remember my commitment to improve whenever I start to get lazy or fall back into bad habits . Have any of you ever picked a word or theme for a year ? And if so , how did it work out ? |
After the meteor impact , Annabelle was rushed to the hospital . Tom , who was nearby , had heard the explosion and immediately ran towards the sounds of the screaming masses , realizing something had gone terribly wrong . As he was running , Tom saw an ambulance drive by and saw a hint of green in the window . " Annabelle . " A few hours had passed and Tom found himself listening to the doctor , hoping his best friend was okay . He knew he shouldn 't have let her go to the police station alone , but realized at the same time that he too could have been injured or even worse in the explosion . " Fortunately she wasn 't close enough to the blast to have sustained any permanent damage . At the moment we have her on medicine which will make her sleep , and when she wakes up she will still have some pain , but it can be managed . Considering this was the second time she was caught in a an explosion like this within the past five years , according to her medical charts , she 's rather lucky to have survived this one . " Tom nodded , though he somehow knew it wasn 't luck . Ever since Annabelle turned eighteen , she 'd been more resilient , stronger . Tom figured it had to do with the fact that she was an alien . Of course he couldn 't tell the doctor that . As far as everyone but a few select people knew , Annabelle was a normal , everyday human being with blonde hair . " So what happens now ? " Tom asked . " Does she stay here for observation or something ? " The doctor shook his head , to Tom 's surprise . " Actually we 've been monitoring her health for the past few hours since we brought her in , and she seems to be ready to go home . Like I said she 'll have to sleep this first day off , and with the medicine we gave her she 'd be able to sleep through a train filled with screaming banshees crashing through her house for the next twelve hours . The doctor nodded . " All you have to do is fill out some paperwork and she 'll be released to your family 's care , Mr . Jameson . I 'll have the nurse bring it out to you . " " Thank you Doctor Harland . " Tom said , then walked over to the waiting room to sit down . A few moments passed until the front doors opened , revealing John , Kelly , Mirabelle , Scarlett , and Keera . Keera had heard about the explosion first and went across town trying to find everyone . The family ran into the hospital to find out what was going on , and Tom calmly explained to them everything the doctor had told him . The family drove back home in silence , in two different vehicles . Tom , Scarlett , Keera , and Kelly were in Tom 's jeep with Annabelle in the front seat lying back while John and Mirabelle drove back in a different vehicle with the intention of getting some food before returning home , as no one in the household felt like cooking that night . Everyone in Tom 's car wanted to speak , but no one knew exactly what to say . However , Keera was the first one in the group to break the awkwardness of the situation . " So what do we do now ? The doctor said mom 's gonna be passed out for hours . Do we suspend the search for the new Benefactor ? " " I don 't know . " Tom replied as he drove . " Besides , Annabelle went to the police station to find out what Jack knew about the new Benefactor , and all this happened because of it . Frankly , I think we have to suspend our search because it 's getting too dangerous . " " WHAT ? ! " Kelly yelled out , almost causing Tom to veer off the side of the road . Kelly had always been the calmer of the group , the opposite end of the red / blue spectrum in terms of anger , so when she yelled like that Tom couldn 't help but wonder if she and Scarlett had switched seats without him knowing . " But . . the Genie Lamp , and the people you told me about last night . . . it wouldn 't be wise to - " Realizing she could bring civility back to the car ride , Scarlett herself motioned her hands towards the injured woman in the car , interrupting Kelly 's words . " Let 's just wait until Annie wakes up , and let HER decide what we should do . She was the one injured in this , and frankly she has more experience with the supernatural than any one else in this car , what with her magical trip to Nightmare 's dimension and the unicorn thing about four years ago . " Tom nodded , and pulled into the driveway of their house . The family got together and moved Annabelle upstairs into her bedroom , and put her on the bed . They were about to cover her up before Annabelle very briefly woke up and said " No covers . Too hot . " Tom 's eyes lightened up at hearing Annabelle 's voice , but was saddened when he realized she was simply talking in her sleep . He then sat down on a chair beside her and quietly motioned the rest of the family , asking them to depart from the room so he could be alone with her . They silently acknowledged this and walked out . Tom sat where he was for what seemed like hours , what seemed like days , watching over her and making sure she was alright . Suddenly , he had the urge to talk to her , he didn 't know where it came from and he didn 't know why he did it , he just wanted to . He smiled , and began talking in a whisper , almost to himself . " Hey Annie . I don 't know if you can hear me , but if you can just . . . let me do this . Let me talk , okay ? " Tom waited for her reply , then realized waiting for it was a moot point , and continued . " I remember the last time you were injured in an explosion like this . I was too , if you recall . You blamed yourself for taking me to the library but I told you it wasn 't your fault , just like the meteor shower wasn 't your fault . Right then and there , as we stood in the paved out lot that was the destroyed library , as we held each other in our arms , I wanted to kiss you . . . hoping the pain would go away for both of us , even just for one split - second of pure happiness . " " . . . But I didn 't , and I regret every single day that has transpired since then . I never got a real chance to tell you this , but . . . I love you . I 've always loved you . I always will . That was why I pushed you away in Hidden Springs . Because I didn 't want to bear the thought of losing the love of my life after seeing that other version of you lying on the ground in the alternate universe . And I 'm so sorry for that , for everything that 's happened . I 'm not asking you to wake up right now and kiss me , tell me everything 's going to be okay , tell me I 'm being silly and that you love me too . I 'm asking you to know how I feel . " Annabelle nudged in her sleep , smiled , and said . " I 'll love you always and forever . " Then her smile faded , as did Tom 's when he realized , yet again , she was talking in a dream . He then closed his eyes , and wondered what kind of dream she was having . . . " Hello , it 's 9 : 00 AM , time to start the day . Wakey wakey ! No ? Okay , I 'll just throw this cover over you and take Gabe to his audition myself . You don 't have to do anything . . . " Suddenly Annabelle 's husband walked over to the bed and smiled at her , a big grin on his face . " Well whose fault is that wanting to move to the middle of Colorado in summer time ? I wanted to move back to Bridgeport , but NOOO , you were all like ' No Tom , Gabriel needs a small town environment ! He needs this , he needs that , yadda yadda yadDOW ! " Suddenly the rest of Tom 's sentence was drowned out by the impact of a pillow hitting his face , knocking him back . " You know I don 't sound like that . " Annabelle said , she then threw the pillow down and hugged Tom . " Or do I need to remind you ? Besides , I 'm up now . I should take Gabe to his audition right , right now . " " Well , not RIGHT now . " Tom smirked . " Come on , hug me . " Tom hugged Annabelle warmly and said , " remember when we first kissed ? It was just three months after that nasty explosion at the library in Bridgeport . I dunno why I remembered this just now . " " Yes , I know . " Annabelle smiled as she embraced him . " We kissed , got married two years later , had Gabriel , and have been living a perfect life . Though I have to admit , I sometimes wonder what our life would be like if we hadn 't gotten together seventeen years ago . Maybe . . . boring . I dunno . " " Well how can you be boring ? You 're Annabelle Jameson ! People far and wide hear your name and bow ! You sink ships with your beauty ! Your face launched a thousand go - carts ! Wait . . . I may have gotten some of that wrong , although I do know the go - cart thing was real . " Annabelle chuckled . " You don 't have to impress me . . . you know I 'll love you always and forever . " She leaned in and kissed him , prompting a noise from someone nearby . Annabelle turned her head and saw their son Gabriel with his arms outstretched . " Ugh , no no no no no no ! I don 't want to see my parents kissing like that ! Eugh ! I come up to see when I 'm going to my audition and I see this ? ! ? ! " Gabriel said . " I . . . I 'm blind . I think I 'm blind . It 's hysterical blindness ! It 's a psychological reaction to seeing things that cannot be unseen ! " " I mean I might spend the rest of my life in the darkness , like a bat in a cav - you 've stopped ? Oh . . . and YES ! Perfect acting from me , Gabriel Caleb Jameson ! I am soooo getting this part for sure ! I haven 't acted that well since I stayed home from school with a ' stomach flu ' last spring ! " Gabriel choked a bit on his words , then said " I mean YES ! Still a master actor I am ! I just acted right now with the role of a teenager who revealed that he tricked his mom into thinking he had the stomach flu the spring befor - " Tom and Annabelle resumed their kissing , then Annabelle stopped to get dressed to take Gabriel to the theater . She looked over at him , and smiled . Thinking back to their first kiss , in the wreckage of the Bridgeport Library . She had a thought that popped into her head , that said that first kiss gave them a split - second of happiness that had lasted forever since . Tom had fallen asleep in the chair , and when he opened his eyes he immediately wondered who Gabriel was , before turning his head to see Kelly . She was wearing her sleeping outfit , meaning that some time had passed since he nodded off . " Hey . What time is it ? " " About one A . M . " Kelly said . " I couldn 't sleep , and Mirabelle suggested I come by and make sure Annie 's okay . Is she ? " " Yeah , yeah . She 's just still sleeping . " Tom said , standing up out of the chair . " I 'll be here all night if I have to , just to make sure . " Kelly looked at Annie . " Well , how about you go take a nap on your bed , Tom ? I 'll stay here with her for the next hour or so , give you some time to get off this chair , okay ? Besides , I wanna say a few things to her , just to pass the time . " " Uh . . . yeah , sounds good . I 'll be in my room if you need me . " Tom walked out of the bedroom and Kelly sat in the chair beside the bed , looking over at Annabelle . " Hey there . " Kelly said , smiling . Like with Tom , she was whispering , not wanting to wake her up . " Man this is surreal . Just two minutes ago I was in my bedroom with Mirabelle , looking into her eyes , and I still see you every time I do . So I go from looking at you and you looking back , to looking at you like this in less than two minutes . It 's crazy , isn 't it ? " Annabelle didn 't respond for obvious reasons , so Kelly kept talking . " I love Mirabelle , and I love you . I love Mirabelle because she is you , technically . She has the same quick - witted attitude that I fell for years ago , and I 'm glad she 's here , frankly " Kelly looked somberly at the sleeping woman , then continued . " I know I 'd never be with the real you no matter how much I wanted , because you always had Tom in your heart . Even that night , after I confessed to you my true feelings , and we . . . you know , I still realized it was only for that night . And I have to say . . . thank you , Annie . Thank you for being there with me , for thinking of me , and for being my friend . Thank you for stepping onto that teleportation pad a month and a half ago , even if you didn 't know what would happen . I 'm thanking you for that because you unknowingly gave me a chance to be with you . " Annabelle remained sleeping , and Kelly decided to continue the one - sided conversation . " I guess I should tell you when I first fell for you , honestly . I never actually told you , just bits and pieces . Do you remember when we were teenagers in Bridgeport ? It was just after you were caught in that explosion . I remember sitting next to your hospital bed , tending to your broken arm as you slept , being the friend I was and still am . One night , something just . . . clicked . " " I looked up from my magazine I was reading and saw you lying there . I don 't know what it was , maybe the lighting , but something clicked in me . Ever since then I couldn 't imagine a having to go through a day without you . Even now , when I 'm in a relationship with . . . the other you . . I don 't think I could think of a better person as a friend than . . . you . I 'll always care for you , Annie , even . . . especially in the darkest of times . " Annabelle was standing outside the theater , waiting for her son to get his stuff out of the car and walk into the building with her . " Now straighten your clothes , and make sure your hair is neat . " Annabelle said to him , playing the part of the typical mother that she loved doing so much , even if it typically annoyed Gabriel . The two walked into the audition room in the top floor of the theater , which was more empty than she thought it would be . There were few others in the room , and all three of them were sitting at a table ready to judge auditions . Annabelle chalked up to there being no one else simply due to the fact that they were earlier than everyone else . When the audition began , Gabriel stood on a platform and gave off the first lines of a world - famous soliloquy as part of it . For in that sleep of death , what dreams may come . " When Gabriel was done with his monologue , the Judges seemed impressed , then told him that they will give him a call in the next couple days if he got the role . He was happy to hear this and stepped off the platform , walking confidently back to Annie . " Thanks mom . " Gabriel said . " Now it 's just a matter of waiting . I mean , yeah this is a big role . I could actually be in a theatrical film if they call me back ! It 's like I 'm dreaming ! Living the dream ! " " Well , Mr . Dream , don 't get a swelled head just yet . I mean , yeah I would give you the role in two seconds . . . one second . . . instantly ! " Gabriel smiled . " Thanks mom . " " You 're welcome , son . " Annie replied . " Now wait here , I 'll go get the car and meet you around , okay ? " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Kelly had nodded off when she felt a tap on her shoulder . Expecting to see Tom , she was surprised when she looked up and saw John standing beside her . " I saw him in the hallway . He looked dead tired so I decided to take over for him . You go get some sleep , Kel , on a proper bed . I 'll sit here , make sure she 's okay . " Kelly nodded at him and left the room . " Thanks , John . " With that she walked out and shut the door . John , who sat on the chair , looked over and saw a television with a video game console . He immediately walked towards it , but something drew him back to the chair , as he too wanted to talk to the sleeping Annabelle , just as the others did . Like before , he whispered , but only slightly . " Hey sis . I know , I know , I haven 't really chatted much with you these past few weeks . Big plans ahead , you know , the wedding and all . Red and I are planning it for after the Solar Eclipse thing you guys were talking about , just so we have something to fight against this whole ' Benefactor ' thing for . " John stopped for a moment , then continued talking . " Fighting , that 's what you 're great at . . . I remember this one time , a long time ago , I was being picked on by Travis Jenson , that neanderthal of a school bully , you don 't probably don 't remember him . " " When we were kids , I remember being picked on by him one day , I don 't know why he chose me on that particular day , but he tried to pick on me but , neep . You were there , Annie . You helped me . If I remember correctly , you beat the ever - living crap out of that bully with your super - advanced alien powers . . . " " yeah that 's uh . . . that 's what I called them at the time . . . what more do you want , I was ten ? ! Ever since then I always looked up to my big sister , you were my protector , and I was so weak - STILL so weak to protect you when you needed it . I wish I was there , Annie , when that meteor fell and hit that car . I would have thrown myself between you and the explosion just so I could pay you back for all the times you 've helped me . I 'm sorry I didn 't get that chance . Hey , there 's always next time , eh ? " John smiled , then walked over to the video game console to play it . " So Gabe , I take you 're here because you want to give me money . " It was Jake Thompson , a well - known bully who would pick on anyone he could . " I call it . . . protection money , you pay me to protect yourself from my fists hitting your face ! " " Back off Jake . " Gabriel said . " I 'm not giving you anything and you 'd better not bother me again . " Gabriel was about to walk away when Jake knocked him to the ground . Jake was about to reach down and punch Gabriel in the face when he heard a noise coming up from behind him . He turned around and saw Annabelle , who was acting like an alien monster . " I WILL SUCK OUT YOUR BRAINS THROUGH A BENDY STRAW , HUMAN MEAT PUPPET ! " Annabelle yelled out with a raspy , hissing voice . " Frankly I hope he never stops . He 's such a neanderthal . By the way thanks for sticking up for me , mom . I don 't know if I could have handled that bully on my own . And you did it with your awesome alien powers so . . . double points for you ! " " Sounds great on one condition . . . you have to go like that . Hey , maybe you can scare the waiters into giving you a free meal ! Say that you would much prefer a hamburger to eating their brains ? " " Hey . " John said , turning off the console . " I thought you were Annie for a second . . . NOT THAT YOU AREN ' T . I 'm just . . . sorry , I still can 't get past the fact that you 're . . . here . " " Don 't worry about it John . " Mirabelle said . " For a time there I didn 't know who I was . Hey can I get a moment ? Kelly is tossing in her sleep and I can 't sleep myself because of it . " John nodded . He thought that maybe she too wanted to talk to Annabelle like everyone else . " Okay . I 'll leave you to . . " John chuckled a bit . " . . . yourself . " Mirabelle shot him an angry look as he left , but just to get him out quicker . John had rarely talked to her since the teleporter accident which split Annabelle into two different people , mostly because of the fact it was all his doing in the first place , but lately he had come around and , like that remark , had begun to make jokes about it . When John was gone , Mirabelle sat down on the chair and looked over to her doppelganger . There was obviously no response , so Mirabelle continued . " If it 's anything like the dreams you 've had in the past , its ' probably a good one , unless it 's a nightmare in which case , wake up . Wakey wakey ! I remember a dream I . . . we had when we were younger . I married Tom , because he kissed me in that old library lot we stood in after the explosion that nearly killed us . I always wondered to myself what happened after that , in the dream , of course . Did we have kids ? Did I ever become a singer ? Did . . . Kelly . . . ever profess her love and kiss me like she did ? " Mirabelle then developed a saddened tone . " Now that I 'm in a relationship with Kelly I consistently wonder if I am simply because you aren 't . She loved you like she loves me . I know this for a fact , but I also love Tom . Man , a person can go insane thinking these things up . I can live a life you never did , and I don 't know if that 's good or bad ! I don 't want you to live a life you don 't want to simply because I 'm here ! I 'll always think that even if we both live our lives perfectly in every possible way ! " After sitting in the chair , Mirabelle started to tussle around . " Sorry to change the subject but I don 't see how you can sit in this thing , let alone have someone sleep in it . " Mirabelle stood up and walked over to Annabelle 's bed , lying down next to her . A few days had passed since Gabriel 's audition , and he was antsy about getting the part . Suddenly the phone rang and he ran to the kitchen to answer it , but Annabelle had reached it first . " Hello ? " Annabelle stood there for a few moments , talking to the person on the other end of the line . " Yes , I understand . I 'll tell him . Thanks for calling . " She hung up the phone and looked at Gabriel . " Gabe . . . you got the part but - " Gabriel jumped with joy . This was the biggest news of his life , and couldn 't help but thank anything he could for it . There was an unfortunate side - effect , however , that he couldn 't get around . After hearing Annabelle tell him , he couldn 't help but stop , think it over , and repeat her . " I 'm afraid so . " Annabelle said . " There 's a high - class acting school there that you received a full scholarship from , but the travel conditions are only for you and one person alone . Full living conditions for two people . I 'll let you chose what you want to do , son . " " I don 't know what to do . " he said , angrily . " I 'll have to move across the world , with either you or dad and not have a chance to see the other ? ! That 's unfair ! It 's like you two will separate because of me ! I don 't want that to happen ! No ! " Annabelle affectionately grabbed his arms and said " Gabe , please . Just . . . think it over . This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for you ! Things will work out if they have to . Remember when I told you I wanted to be a singer , and never did ? I never did anything I wanted to do when I was younger , and I don 't know if that 's good or bad . ! I don 't want you to live a life you never wanted to . " Annabelle didn 't know why she said that . Of course she wanted to live her life as it was , with Tom , with Gabriel , but had occasionally thought to herself ' What if I was a singer like I wanted to be ? ' . Gabriel didn 't seem affected by what she said , though , instead focusing on her saying " think about it . " . " Okay . I will , mom . I 'll think it over , because this is something I really want , and you don 't get second chances on things like this . " When Gabriel walked out of the room , Annabelle looked over at herself in a mirror and wondered something . She then said , out - loud , " Yeah , I missed out when I was a teen , but who is stopping me now ? " The next day Tom took Gabriel to a basketball game , allowing Annabelle to have some free time . She walked downtown to a business office and talked to the people working there responsible for careers , and asked if she could audition for a Backup Singer spot that had opened up in Starlight Shores recently . She thought that if she could get a nice job and move there , then Gabriel wouldn 't have to worry about going to Europe , he could try in Starlight Shores and still live with his family . The audition was short . It just so happened that the same people who ran Gabriel 's audition were there running Annie 's , and they had the same looks on their faces as before . The one in front , whose name was Mera , approached Annie after she sang and smiled at her . Mirabelle woke up and stood out of Annabelle 's bed when she heard a knock on the door . She walked over to the door and opened it to see Scarlett standing at the doorway . She walked into the room and sat down on the chair without saying much , then looked up at Mirabelle . Mirabelle nodded . It seemed everyone wanted to have a one - sided talk with the sleeping Annie , for whatever reason it could be . She left the room and closed the door , letting Scarlett have time to herself , but not before saying " You know , with me and her in here just now , it 's almost like we were alone . " The red - haired woman half - smiled at her , then Mirabelle left completely . " Alone . " , Scarlett said , " I hate that word . I hate it with all my passion . I hate being alone . " She stood up and walked to the mirror . " If it wasn 't for you , Annie , I would have felt alone all my life . You were the one who calmed me when I had my first rampage , you were the one who helped me talk to John you . . . I needed you my entire life . If you were never born , I don 't know what I 'd be today . " " I know you feel alone , Annie , being one of the only aliens on the world . I 'm human , but as you know I sometimes feel alone myself . I always feel sad , and angry and I don 't know how to deal with these emotions . It all stems back to when I found out that my parents died , I felt so , so alone in the world . I felt incomplete , knowing that there were others who had parents and I didn 't . Lucky for me I found out just a few days before my seventh birthday party , huh ? Isn 't that all kinds of loveliness ? " Scarlett lowered her head . " That was when I realized that Aunt Mei and Uncle Elliot weren 't my parents , and that my real parents died four years before . I remember going on what was possibly my first real rampage , destroying everything I could get my hands on . . . and I remember little after that . . . until you walked up to me and said something that I never forgot . You told me you loved me like a sister , and that I wasn 't an incomplete person because we were all family , that I was never alone , and then you told me that your brother John . . . " Scarlett chuckled , then continued , " You told me John liked my rampage , it was ' cool ' to him . I remember laughing , and crying . That 's why I don 't get angry much around you , or try not to , because I love you that much as a person , as my family . And that 's why I want you to wake up . " " Your family could use you right now , just like I needed you . " Scarlett stood up after hearing a knock on the door , and then said one final thing to her sleeping friend . " And I want you to know , from me , that you 'll never be alone . Never . " Annabelle ran out of the office building with a joy on her face . " I got the job ! " Annabelle yelled out to the town , letting everyone in the vicinity know that she was hired for a singer job , one that she 'd been wanting to get since she was younger . Annabelle laughed and smiled as she read the contract , but then . . . her smile faded . She looked at the contract again , and again , and again . Annabelle saw one condition for her having to go to Starlight Shores : Because of the bizarre scheduling , the tight living quarters , and multiple other reasons . . . she had to go alone , without Tom or Gabriel . The notion hit her terribly . On the one hand , she 'd wanted to be a singer since she was born , pretty much . Everything about her life was leading up to being a Singer , a star . She imagined that she would be one at the moment if she had never got together with Tom . And with the money her family would never have to worry about financial troubles again . On the other hand . . . nothing about this made sense . It was completely unreal ! Why would she have to leave everyone behind to go to Starlight Shores ? It 's because of them that she went for the job in the first place ! She then ran across town in anger , finally stopping at an old attraction in the outskirts of town . " No . No I . . . I can 't leave my family . I can 't do this ! What the hell ? Why do I have to leave them behind ? Why do I have to go ? Who is making me go ? I don 't want to go ! " Annabelle turned around sadly and saw her husband standing behind her . He had a bit if a smile on his face , but it looked pained . " You should go , Annie . Starlight Shores could use you right now . " " Tom ? I didn 't know you were here . Look . . . these people , they 're calling me to go to Starlight Shores , but they want me to go without you . I would be so alone there . So . . . incomplete . " Tom hugged her . " It 's something you have to do , Annie . As long as you have memories of us , you 'll never be incomplete . You 'll never be alone , Annie . . . never . " Scarlett , tired from being awake all night , started to walk out of the room to get Tom , but when she opened the door she saw Keera standing there . The teen had been sitting outside her room all night watching everyone walk in and out of Annabelle 's room , and wanted to get in on the bandwagon . Scarlett silently let her in and left the room herself , letting Keera have a few minutes alone . Keera sat there for a time in silence . She didn 't know that everyone else was coming by and talking to her , just that everyone was coming by . She thought it was a good idea to talk to her as she slept , she read that helps the brain develop during a deep sleep and help the slumbering person 's thought capacity in the long run . After a short time contemplating it , she decided " what the hell ? " and leaned forward to talk . " Hey mom . I . . . don 't know what to say here . I mean , you 're asleep because you were caught in an explosion , something that I can deeply , deeply relate to . What do I say ? What do I do ? First of all , I love you mom . I will always , but that 's a given , I 'm your daughter . I may be a genetic clone of you , but that doesn 't change the fact that I am your daughter in my soul . If it helps you out of this deep sleep , let me tell you that everything you 've done since I was , quote - unquote ' born ' , has helped me grow up to be the person I am , good or bad . I am who I am because of your determination as a mother , as a friend , as every positive role model I could possibly need in my life . " " Let me tell you something that I never told anyone . When I was in that explosion , when I called out to your name , I saw you . I saw you cry on the floor of the house back in Hidden Springs . I don 't know how , I don 't know why , but I think we have some connection that goes beyond family , to the impossible . I can feel what you feel sometimes , know what you know . . . " " . . . like a psychic line that 's threaded out between us , and that link is making me ask you to please , please wake up . please come back to us . I know whatever you 're dreaming of is a great dream . I feel wonderful emotions when I look at you sleeping right now , so it has to be great , but please come back to reality . Let my voice carry you home . Please ? I need you . I need my mother . " Annabelle looked up and saw the bus schedule . It had been a few days since she got the job offer , which gave her ample time to say goodbye to everyone she knew , and gave Gabriel enough time think over his own traveling predicament . When she first told Gabriel what was going on , she could have sworn she heard him cry . She hugged him close , slept in his room on a chair one night , and had spent the entire day before going through their family photos together . Annabelle didn 't want to leave him , or have him leave her for Europe , but felt compelled to . It was a surrealistic feeling that overcame every other emotion that she had , that she needed to get on that bus . With her leaving for Starlight Shores and him leaving for a special acting school on the other side of the world , it would be a long , long time until they ever saw each other again . Annabelle continued to hug her son , and a tear fell down her face . " I love you . So , so much . I will never forget you , my dearest son . Please never forget me . Promise me this . " " All aboard for Starlight Shores ! " Annabelle turned and walked away from Gabriel , smiling at him . She was still crying though , and didn 't stop until she had boarded the bus , walked over to the nearest seat , and lied down for a nap . And then suddenly , the world around her went white . . . After tossing and turning in her bed , Annabelle opened her eyes to Keera , who was smiling . " Mom ? You 're okay ! You 're awake ! Keera happily stood up and walked to the door . " Everyone , she 's awake ! She 's okay ! " " Who ? " Keera asked , as everyone walked in . Annabelle looked around and recognized her room . She recognized Keera , Tom , and Scarlett , and everyone else who showed worry on their faces . In the bathroom , Annabelle looked at herself in the mirror , noticing the bruises on her face that seemed similar to the ones she had when she was a teenager after that explosion . Tom stood beside her as he had for the past hour , ready to catch her if she fell , but she smiled at him . " I need a minute to myself , okay ? " Tom nodded . " If there 's anything you need , I 'll be right outside . " He said . Annabelle smiled , and looked at him as he left , then when he was out of the room she glanced back to the mirror , seeing a faint image of her dream - self in her own facial features . She missed Gabriel , and the relationship she had with Tom , but then again it was " only a dream " . " Why don 't I live in that world ? Why did I have to wake up ? It was perfect , and beautiful . . . here I 'm just . . . me . Injured old me . " In a bout of anger , Annabelle smashed her hand against her bedroom wall , prompting a recording device to fall from the ceiling . Annabelle walked out of her bedroom with tears in her eyes , but this time of happiness . She had just listened recordings of everyone talking to her as she slept . She thought she needed the world she imagined , but now she knew that everyone needed her in reality , including someone that her son had taken the place of in her dream . Keera was in her room continuing to look up on the Genie Lamp , despite the fact that Tom had told her to take a break on it until Annabelle was back to being 100 percent . She heard a noise , and smiled when she saw Annabelle standing in her bedroom . " Hey mom , feeling any better ? " " A little , thanks . Keera , I have a question . Have you ever thought about getting into acting ? It 's just , I 've always wanted a child who wanted to act , and at the moment , you 're my only child . " Keera stood up and smiled . " Yes , sometimes . In fact there 's a new school play I was thinking of auditioning for . " Keera and Annabelle continued talking about Keera 's audition , and talked for hours about numerous other things . |
He arrived at therapy a few minutes late and made his apologies and understood if they didn 't see him that day . But another patient had cancelled so they could see him anyway . A few minutes later he was ushered into a weight room to begin his therapy . His therapist was a middle aged man who was rather pleasant and friendly towards Trent . He started him out on five pound weights to see how he would do . Trent was quickly bored and wanted the ten pound weights to see how he make out . But his therapist kept him at five for the first day , telling him that when he started walking he would see the pounds would be too much . " I can handle the ten pounds . I 'm telling you sir , I can handle it . " The therapist let Trent have his way only to show Trent who knew best from the very beginning . Trent set out a too fast a pace and was showing off . They therapy proceeded and the hour neared its end . Trent began to feel the effects of the extra weight he had pulled in the beginning . He tried not to show it but by now his feet were starting to feel like they had been filled with thousands of needles . Every time he stepped down they felt as though they were being pushed back in . He was in agony and needed his pain pills desperately . He was taking less and less , and some days was even taking none . But today he was going to need two at this rate . Walking ten feet now produced tears and by twelve feet he was openly crying . The head nurse was feeling bad for him and quietly asked the therapist if he could stop his therapy for the day . He however explained how Trent had been with the weights and how he had insisted on the extra weights , so he had to teach Trent a lesson about listening to him today , since it was his first day . She agreed . Trent practically cried all the way home , complaining and swearing that he was sure that his therapist personally had been trained by the Marquis de Sade at one time or another in his career . One couldn 't like that without being taught by someone . He couldn 't wait to tell Michael how cruel the therapist had been . But first he had to apologize to Michael . He had been such a shit yesterday . He didn 't know what he was going to say to make up for his behavior . . Michael was just trying to help yesterday and he had pretty much just shut him and Tiny out . Both of them had just been trying to be nice . He didn 't even know if Michael and Tiny had gone out or not , he hadn 't cared yesterday . That was the kind of mood he was in . There was no excuse for it really when he stopped and thought about it . He had to think of something nice to say to Michael . Michael finally got home from school and Trent told him that he needed to talk to him when he had five minutes . Michael agreed and said that right after dinner would be the best time because " Michael , I 'm sorry about last night . I was acting and being a shit and I shouldn 't have been . You were trying to be nice and were just trying to get me to go out . I was stuck in my shell last night and couldn 't see it . For that I 'm sorry . Enough of that . I just wanted to tell you how my physical therapy went . It was a nightmare and I swear that I had someone that had instructions from the Marquis de Sade . " Michael began to laugh at Trent 's description " I might have mentioned that thought . I could have mentioned it because it felt light , like really light , like a feather , but then as the hour went on it began to feel like a cinder block . And then I might have regretted it towards the end of class . " Trent hung his head knowing that Michael had known exactly what he had done . " Okay , so you know what I did . I was being a jock and I won 't do it again . I promise to do what the therapist says from here on out and not be a jock , okay ? " " Of course it is , stud , of course it is . I know this whole ordeal has been hard on you . I know it would be on me , that 's for sure . And it 's not over , because you still have all this physical therapy to go through and more surgeries and more physical therapy after those . I 'm glad you 're as strong as you are , Trent , you 're a better man than me . " " It hasn 't been any fun , I 'll admit that , but it 's not the end of the world either , Mikey , you know that , don 't you ? I have my good days and I have my bad days , right ? You let me worry about those days and which one is which , okay ? " " Try not to worry about me so much , Mikey . I 'm going to be just fine in the end when this is all done , you 'll see . I 'll have my bad days , but I 'll be okay when this is all over . I promise . " Having had their little talk , Michael made his own apologies and said he had to go and get his homework going or he wouldn 't get anything done that night . He also informed him that Tiny would be coming over to see Trent since he hadn 't visited him in the hospital . He knew he had to come visit him . Now he felt bad that he hadn 't come seen him sooner , but he had spent most of his winter break at some girl 's house away from here . He had told Michael he was in love for the first time in his life and that this was the one . She was from Colorado . He was even thinking of going there after school was done . It would depend on how things went in the next few years . Michael told Trent that Tiny was gushing every time he talked about the girl . Trent told him that Tiny gushed any time he talked about any girl . Michael said that it was different this time . School and therapy passed for both boys and by the end of May Trent was enrolled for summer sessions and was ready to go back to school . He had lined up three classes and was looking forward to going and getting back into the swing of the academic world again . It 's not that he had hated school before . He just didn 't care for it . But this was different , like college . It gave him so many opportunities and endless possibilities . That was the biggest thing he found entertaining : the endless realm of possibilities . He was beginning to see where he and Michael could go in business and building houses together and that excited him . As Michael had promised , he helped him with his homework and helped him with his physical therapy . He saw firsthand the pain he went through every day as they asked him to push his limits further and further . There were a few days that Michael put his foot down and told the therapist that enough was enough and he took Trent home in tears . Even Michael had gotten to believe that indeed the man had a close relationship with the Marquis . He seemed to smile all the time when patients cried , even more so when they all showed signs of weakness . Michael told Clay and Sarah that the man had a mean streak in him at the least . Trent had another six weeks to go and they considered finding him another therapist for the treatment that was left . Sarah told Clay that she would look into it and if she could find someone reputable , she would have him changed over . In the meantime Michael took Trent to school and then to his therapy appointments . He left early again today , in pain and in tears , ashamed of himself for not being able to finish his full hour . He was feeling like a little baby , not being able to finish his routine with the therapist , but the weights were just too much for him . As they left , Michael cancelled their appointment for the following day , mentioning that they might be changing services due to the fact that Michael felt that the therapist was too rough on some of the patients . One thing was certain : Michael didn 't like the guy . Trent 's mother found another therapist for him to try and he was glad she did . Anyone was better than the guy he was presently going to . She had made an appointment for him the next day , which Michael was glad for , because he wouldn 't miss any of his therapy appointments . However , he knew that his first appointment would be an evaluation and a plan for him as to what they would be doing for the next five to six weeks . Michael was hoping they would at least decrease the weight amounts and decrease the amount of times he was spending with the weights . Michael went up to his room and there was a letter on his bed . He was a little shocked to see that it was from the Clerk of Courts , Commonwealth of Massachusetts . His hands shook as he opened it . It was naming him as a witness and his presence was required on September 23 , 2013 . He felt like throwing up . He ran downstairs , looking for Clay , at this point in time he needed a father . " Calm down , Michael . It 's going to be all right . Clay will either go with you or have you talk to a lawyer or both , if you want that . But whatever , he 'll be here before too long , okay ? " " I promise to send him straight up to your room , Michael . No pit stops , and no detours . Now go and try to relax until he gets home , okay . " " Oh , Dad , I 'm glad you 're here , look at this for me . " Michael handed him the letter . Clay read it and handed it back to him . " Do you want me to go with you ? " Michael hung his head , almost in despair over the whole situation , knowing that Mandy would be sitting with the Major in court . He wouldn 't be able to sit by himself . Tears welled up in his eyes but he was damned if he was going to cry in front of Clay . " Yes , sir , I wish you would come with me , but as my father . " Clay 's chest swelled with pride over Michael 's comment . " I know my real one will be there , but I just don 't trust him . Whether he did it or not , I don 't trust him . I don 't know why , but I just don 't . I haven 't for the past three to four years . He hasn 't even tried to talk to me since my mother was killed . " " Don 't worry , Michael . I 'll go with you and I 'll have one of the family lawyers talk to you before then . One will be there just in case you need one . Does that make you feel any better about going ? " " Dad , just knowing that you 're going with me is enough for me . I really appreciate it . " Michael did feel better , he felt like a hundred pounds had been lifted from his shoulders just because one of his problems had been eliminated from his life . " If you need me before then or just want to talk about something , you know I 'm always here for you Michael . I don 't care what time of the day or night . All you have to say is : I need to talk to you , Dad . Got it ? " " Loud and clear , Dad , thanks again for your support , as always . I know I could count on you . It 's the one thing I 've come to learn here : I can count on you , without even thinking twice . It 's a feeling I never had before coming here . I was never sure with my own father . It was like a game with him and I often wondered , when I wanted something or needed his support , how he was going to twist it into some kind of lesson that he thought I needed to be taught . It was never just a question of plain and simple support , or of just being there for me when I needed someone in my corner . He insisted I play sports , but he would only drop me off and never came to see me play . I often wondered what the point of having me play was . If he didn 't want to see me succeed , why did he have me play ? What difference did it make ? I don 't have those mental struggles anymore , living here . But I don 't mean to be all depressing about things that aren 't important anymore . " " If they weren 't important , you wouldn 't be talking about them right now , Michael . Apparently they are still bothering you . Don 't let them . You 'll never have that problem again . This house will always be your home . Whether it 's you and Trent or someone else , you will always call this place your home . As far as I 'm concerned , you 're a Sanders . You just happen to have a different last name and I would change that if you let me . " Michael just looked at Clay , completely lost is his last statement . He couldn 't change his name to Sanders . Michael reminded himself that the Major wasn 't in jail yet . But he was convinced it was just a matter of time and the prosecution coming up with the right evidence to put him behind bars . The only thing that Michael didn 't tell Clay was that he was dreaming again . The past couple of nights he had small glimpses of the nightmares he had had after Kevin had attacked him . He hadn 't told Trent either . He didn 't want Trent to worry , not with him in physical therapy and school right now . Trent had enough on his plate . If the dreams would get worse , he would say something . Right now he was just catching a small look at the dark figure , but not much else . " Don 't look so glum , Michael . You don 't have to do any such thing . I merely mentioned my desire , and that 's all it is : my desire . If they put your father in jail and you want to wash your hands of him , I can make that happen but that 's up to you . I realize you still have a sister to be part of your family and that 's important . So , you might not desire such a thing right now , but if you do ever want that , the offer is always on the table for you to accept . All you have to do is tell me it 's what you want . Nothing would make Sarah and me happier than to give you our last name , Michael . There isn 't one family member that speaks ill of you or who doesn 't like this idea . It 's been discussed with each and every one of them , including their spouses for those of them who have one . " Michael knew that he was liked by the family , but not to that extent . To be taken in as a family member was something he never expected . He was the first one that had been given that honor amongst the people that had come and gone in the Sanders family . Michael had made his mark on their hearts . He had left his heart heavily branded upon theirs and they just couldn 't walk away from this one . He cleared the lump in his throat and the tears that were welling in his eyes . He stood up to avoid looking at Clay much longer . " Listen , Dad , thanks so much for everything . Really , I mean that , but I have a hundred things I have to get done , so , if you don 't mind , I 'm going to get busy . " Michael began picking up some books he had and sorting through papers . Clay left the room , feeling as though Michael was hiding behind a mask again . He wished so much that Michael would just give in and not be afraid to be who wanted to be . Clay felt that Michael felt that he was duty bound by birth to stand by his father , but he didn 't want to . A tough place to be considering that the man might have killed his mother . The poor kid doesn 't know what to think , Clay thought . He didn 't know where to put his loyalties and leave them right now . He might once the trial was over . Trent 's new therapy went well on the first visit , but of course they didn 't do much . Most of it was just to test Trent on where he was at physically . The therapist who tested him and was going to set up his treatment plan was surprised that he was as far along as he was . Either he was healing at a good pace or he was being pushed too hard and that was not good for the type of injuries that he had sustained in his accident and the surgeries he had been through . He was going to slow things down and stretch things out for Trent . Trent liked the sound of that . It was the first time that he actually looked forward to therapy and what it could do it for him . It had been a good day for the boys : therapy went well and classes were going easy for Trent . It seemed that summer classes were agreeing with him and he was looking forward to going to school in the fall , hoping to return to a full schedule . He only hoped the doctors would agree to it . He knew he had some more surgeries to go through , so he wasn 't counting on it just yet . But he kept his fingers crossed . If he missed this semester there would be no way that he and Michael could graduate at the same time , and Trent wanted that more than anything . He wanted to be with Michael on everything along the way . He looked forward to spending the rest of his life with him . Michael fell asleep , exhausted from his run and just the day in general . The emotional toll had done him in the most . It had been a roller coaster day : the letter , watching Trent with a new therapist , unsure of what it was going to be like , worse or better than the last one . In the end it seemed to be a better deal than the last one . Sleep came and the dream came back quickly , right after closing his eyes . The figure stood at the edge of his dream looking in . He seemed to wait and then moved slowly inward , growing larger in his mind 's eye . Michael was certain his airflow was being constricted . A pastel transparent fluid moved and seemed to shift shape within the sockets . The hood and cloak seemed to hang heavily on a pearl gray skeleton and skull , but not in whole , only in parts . Some were covered in rotting flesh , barely hanging on , shifting easily as it moved . Darkness seemed to follow it or represent it . Tendrils of smoke wrapped around its fingers and it pointed at Michael who started to run but could not escape . For each step he took , the black being seemed to move that much closer . The rags move faster than he could and were soon around his legs again . Chocking the life from him , being unable to breath . The scream came from within the bowels of his very soul , feeling as though that 's what had been touched . The figure ignited and burst into flames a " What were you dreaming about buddy ? Maybe it 'll help if you talk about it ? " " It was the same dream I had when Kevin attacked me , Trent . Only this time the figure exploded . He reached out to touch me and when he did his whole body just burst into flames . Everything just was consumed in flames . Like that was it . I feel like it 's over with him and I don 't know why I can 't explain it Trent . It was dark on Huntington Avenue at this hour of the night . However , it was still busy . The bustle of the city was still humming . After all , it was a Friday night and one o ' clock in the morning was barely the same as five o ' clock in the morning . He looked haggard and worn , almost unrecognizable . The last four months had been rough , and the alcohol and drugs had only made things worse . Not finding work had driven him over the edge of despair . People avoided him as much as they could if they saw him coming down the street . Part of the unnamed , the homeless , the unwanted , on the outskirts of society 's acceptance . Tolerant only to those that had enough heart to look them in the face and feed them a free meal . But those people could go home to the warmth of a safe haven and a comfortable bed , forgetting the nameless face they fed earlier . Free from having to sleep on the hard mattress of cement that was his last night . Perhaps the world was catching up to him and dealing him his due . Call it karma , call it what you want but his deeds in life were catching up on him . Those that he had hurt had forgotten him mostly . Here he was now , being avoided , unwanted and untouched by human compassion . The loneliness was often deafening to him . He supposed some times that he was getting what he deserved . That fueled his drinking and drug use even more . He stepped off the curb without looking and the bus couldn 't stop in time . A move he would not have made a few years ago but his judgment and common sense were past their peak . He was thrown onto the road and before he could get himself up or move , he was run over by a taxi that attempted to make the light before it changed to red . The passenger in the back seat was thrown to one side as the cab rolled over his body . The sensations made the cab rider immediately throw up , knowing that they had just run over a human being . Kevin Cranston was dead . Michael 's dream was significant only to him but he didn 't realize how much , until Detective 's Charlie Ryan and Brandon McQuire showed up to the Sanders residence the following afternoon . They relayed the news to Michael that Kevin Cranston had been killed the night before and the approximate time of death . Michael looked at Trent and realized that the time of death and the time of the dream were the same . Was his gut right about his father and who killed his mother ? How could he be wrong ? It simply had to be his father , there just wasn 't any one else that had the time and motive as far as he was concerned . The only thing that remained a question was : could there be someone at work that had it out for his father and perhaps that for some reason they wanted his mother out of the way . Perhaps a jealous husband ? Could the Major have been involved with another woman at work ? That was just out of line for the Major , it was out of character for him . Even considering to have an affair would have been unthinkable . Even to Michael the idea was just absurd . He would never jeopardize his career that way . He had worked too hard and too long to throw it all away on an affair . Michael had heard his father more than once talk about other men who had been passed up for promotion due to the fact that they had had affairs in their careers and had been careless in people finding out . It was another reason he didn 't want to do an in depth interview with a reporter . He didn 't want a reporter digging into his family , his god given family anyway . If it was about the Sanders it might become another . Michael knew it was possible . The trial was approaching faster than he wanted it to , as was school . The doctors weren 't giving any word to Trent yet as to whether or not he would be given the green light to go to school or not . He wasn 't happy about it at all and wondered if he should lighten the school load , considering the trial . He talked to his school advisor and then talked to Clay . His advisor suggested dropping a few classes between thMichael had convinced himself that Clay wouldn 't go for the idea but apparently he was okay with it . Michael was delighted that it had been this easy talking to Clay . He figured he would have to argue with the man he had come to respect . Having dodged the bullet on an argument with Clay made Michael feel one hundred times better than he did when he sat down to dinner . Trent was on top of the world . " Oh Mikey , this is awesome . You can lighten your load some and stretch it out . I know it 's not ideal and you 'd rather take four years to get your degree and not five . And part of this is for me . Sometimes I forget how much you love me . This is one of those times that reminds me how much you sacrifice yourself to make me happy and you do it in so many ways without expecting anything in return from me . How about if I take you out tonight and we go to the movies ? It will be a nice diversion from the regular routine we 've been having lately . " " Sounds good to me , I 'll let you treat tonight too , just to make you feel better ! How 's that sound ? " " You 're the one that gets me in trouble , so don 't even go there with me , Michael Evans . By the way , once we get married , are you gonna change your last name to Sanders ? Or are you keeping your last name ? " The room was silent and seven pair of eyes fell on Michael . He looked up and glanced from one pair to the next . " I . . . I . . . can I have time to think about that one , Trent . You haven 't asked me that one yet and to be honest with you , we haven 't discussed it either . And why is it that I have to change my name , what 's wrong with you changing your name ? " " Oh really , it does , does it ? The last few words out of Michael 's mouth were frosted with ice . Several of the remaining family members looked at each other and decided that here was not the place to be at the moment . Perhaps another room in the house would be a safer and much quieter atmosphere in the next hour or so . Yvonne decided she 'd check in on them in about twenty minutes and make sure they were still standing and talking to each other . As she left the room she hugged Michael . " I love you , but take a deep breath before you kill him . Sometimes , you know , he doesn 't put his brain in gear before he talks . " Michael couldn 't help but laugh with Yvonne over her candor about her older brother . As much as she picked on him , she idolized Trent and hoped that one day she was as strong willed as he was and just as compassionate in her beliefs . " Excuse me while I fall off the chair from laughing my ass off , Trent . Nice guy , all the time . . . I seem to remember a time when Mr . Grumpy Pants lived amongst us . Can you remember that particular period of time Trent ? " A sheepish look crossed over Trent 's face and he smiled devilishly at Michael knowing that he was referring to the orderly in the hospital and his striptease act , and how much fun that had been for the both of them . The balance of the summer passed by without incident and school started . They both were enrolled to start classes . The twenty third was looming closer and Michael was sleeping less . Four days before the trial began Sarah could see the change in Michael and the way his face was looking a little gaunt , she wondered just how much weight he had lost " Michael , how much weight have you lost in the past couple of weeks ? " At first he didn 't answer her . He wasn 't sure . He hadn 't gotten on the scales lately , but he knew he had . He didn 't want to lie to her but he didn 't want to tell her the truth either , because he knew she 'd start to worry about him . " Not enough to worry about , Mom . Honestly , as soon as this is over I 'll be fine . I 'll put the weight right back on again . I promise to work on trying not to lose anymore . " " I want a hug Michael Wayne , right now . " Michael knew he was going to get caught . He had lost more than he was letting on , almost fifteen pounds , and had sworn Trent not to say anything until he had time to gain some weight after the trial . Sarah wrapped her arms around Michael and knew instantly he wasn 't telling the truth . " Michael Evans ! Off with the shirts ! I just want to see how skinny you are . Right now , no ifs , ands or butt 's , buster , right now . " Michael slowly took off his shirt and heard Sarah gasp in disbelief of his weight loss . " Claymore Jackson , get in here this minute . I have something I want you to see . " Without saying anything further , she took both of Michael 's shirts from him and let him stand there and watched Clay 's reactions as he turned the corner . Clay stopped dead in his tracks . " Silence , Michael . " Michael crossed his arms in front of him , unsure of what to do . Clay was mad and it was the first time he had seen him this way . Trent came down the stairs slowly and noticed Michael had no shirt on . Suddenly he realized how gaunt Michael really looked . He knew by the look on his father 's face that he was in trouble . " Dad , Michael made me . . . . . " " I ought to smack the both of you , but you 're too old for that . Michael , didn 't I tell you that , if it started to get to you , to come and talk to me and I 'd do whatever to make sure you were okay ? Did I not say that ? " Clay looked at Michael and began walking towards him . Michael stepped back , not being used to Clay 's anger . What he was used to was his father 's anger and wrath . Michael withdrew against the wall , scared and trembling . " Clay , stop . " Clay looked at Sarah , not understanding her motive for interrupting . Michael was afraid that he had royally screwed up . He didn 't know whether to run or stay and get yelled at . He had been eating , but he just seemed to keep losing weight the past two weeks . He knew he was just worrying about the trial and , once it was over , it would go away but in the meantime that 's how things were . It was that simple . Didn 't they understand that ? Clay seemed to catch the look on Michael 's face and realized the problem . He immediately toned it down for Michael 's sake . " Trent , why didn 't you tell me about this ? Look at him . He 's lost at least fifteen to twenty pounds and that 's a lot on Michael . Michael you can 't afford to lose that much . You might think so , but you can 't . That 's why you 're wearing two shirts lately ; you 're trying to hide it . I love the both of you , but you 're not thinking . Michael , you need your strength for the trial . It 's going to be hard enough on you as it is . If you 're underweight that 's not going to help you either . " Sarah walked up to Michael and put her arms around him . He didn 't need yelling or screaming , he needed reassurance more than anything . " It 's going to be all right . You 're under way too much stress . There 's school , the trial is coming up , there 's Trent , you 're worried about and more surgeries and more physical therapy . You 're not just worried about the trial coming up , you 're worried about the outcome and what it could possibly mean to your life as you know it . Whether your father is innocent or guilty , it 's going to have an impact and you know that , Michael . You can 't tell me that it isn 't eating away at you right now . The trial and your father and the outcome are in your brain twenty four seven , right , Michael ? " Michael just looked at Sarah and she knew she was right . " I want you to drop everything you have at school , Michael , I 'll go with you and if we need a medical note I 'll get Dr . Davis to write one . As a matter of fact I 'll just have one with us so we don 't waste time . " Michael didn 't even want to argue . " One less worry would be good right now . The same goes for you , Trent . I want you here with Michael twenty four seven . He 's your new job : get him to eating before this trial starts . I 'll talk to Josh about making some things that might help you gain some weight . And Trent , call your doctors and tell them you need letters excusing you from your classes so we don 't lose anything . " Clay went to Michael and handed him his shirts . " I wish you had come to me , Michael . I would have listened and given you options . I 'll never tell you what to do , just what your options are . That 's my job . Just , sometimes I yell . But one thing is certain : don 't ever think I would hit you . " It was the loose bolt in Michael 's armor . He burst into tears again and he hated himself instantly . He always hated himself when the tears just started . His father had been relentless in telling Michael that real men don 't cry . The Major would belittle Michael because he would be ashamed of himself for letting his father down , but the Major wasn 't aware of that . He just saw the tears and refused to let Michael be such a , what The Major considered a pansy . Clay took him in his arms and tried to tell Michael that everything would be okay . They would eliminate as much of the stress as possible . By the time September twenty - third rolled around Michael had lost even more weight . If he had gotten on the scale that morning he would have seen that he had lost twenty one and a half pounds . It was a good thing that Sarah and Clay hadn 't made Michael get on that scale . Trent knew that Michael had lost more weight , but was feeding him as much as he could and Joshua was helping him without much success . It wasn 't doing any good . Michael was under too much self - stress to gain any weight at the moment . Believing that his father was guilty of killing his mother , Michael couldn 't bring himself to look at the man . How could he be so cold ? The few moments that Michael looked in his direction , Michael saw his father and could tell that he had aged considerably in a year 's time . His face looked a little more ragged and his hair a little thinner . His anger at his father boiled steadily and Michael wondered how long he could sit there , remaining quiet . He was grateful that he was flanked by Clay and Trent . He was positive either one would prevent him from moving in any direction . The opening argument was basically aimed at Michael 's father . He was after all the only suspect the state of Massachusetts had . It may have been mostly circumstantial evidence but there were some very compelling issues that had come to light during the investigation that had certainly made one wonder about his secondary motives behind killing his wife if indeed he was found guilty . Kevin Cranston was dead but evidence still fell upon him just as it did on Frank Evans . For both it was all circumstantial but it was there , and the suspicion still fell upon Kevin , leaving room for reasonable doubt where Frank Evans was concerned . He could still be found guilty just as Frank could be found guilty . The trial began in earnest the second day and Michael was called to the stand late that afternoon . He was grilled as to his location , what had happened leading up to the party , why he hadn 't he talked to his parents in those months , what caused the fight that drove him out with his father . His sister was called to the stand on Wednesday morning and her short appearance at the party was analyzed by both lawyers . " So after a year 's time of your brother not seeing your mother , you decided to leave early ? I would have thought you would have wanted to see what happened between the two of them after not talking for a year . Weren 't you the least bit interested ? " " The State would like to call Dillon Masters to the stand . " Michael wondered who this was . He had never heard the name before . He looked at his father and the man seemed to turn an ashen white all of a sudden . What would he have to do with any of this ? Michael knew he was about to find out . " Just a driver , son ? " The young army private was obviously nervous , sitting in the witness box and being questioned as he was . He eyes were steel blue with a touch of grey . In the brightness of the courtroom they still sparkled . His complexion was spotless and he was dressed in regular street clothes , not in military attire . " Well , sir , my job is to keep the Major happy and do whatever he needs done or take him where ever he needs to go . I spend the day sitting around while he works , basically on standby , just in case he needs me for whatever . The first hour I spend at the garage , making sure the car is running well , so that it doesn 't have any problems should I have to take him someplace during the day . I rarely spend an hour at the garage . That only happens about once a month and then it 's only to exchange one jeep for another . " " Yes . " " Well like what exactly , Mr . Masters , personal stuff ? I 'm sure two men like you and the Major must talk about things that are bothering you , right ? Major Evans must have said something about his son and the problems he was having with him ? Or the problems he was having with his wife after his son left home . " " Well , he did mention some things about that , but I didn 't press the issue when he discussed it . It was whenever he brought it up . I just listened . " " You just listened and said nothing . I find that hard to believe , Mr . Masters . I would think that Major Evans would have asked you for some kind of input , knowing that you are closer to his son 's age . Perhaps you could shed some light on what his son was thinking . After all , kids today aren 't thinking the same way kids thought back when the Major was a kid . Is that a safe way to put it , Mr . Masters ? " " The Major did ask me what kids my age thought about kids that are gay today compared to kids twenty and thirty years ago . I told him it 's a lot different . It 's a lot more accepting . Kids today are a lot more open about it . They even go to the prom together and date openly , both guys and girls while in high school . The Major had a hard time understanding the issue . I tried several times to make him see it differently , for the sake of his son . Dillon Masters began to squirm in the seat and began to sweat as well . This line of questioning was going in a direction he didn 't like all of a sudden . He realized that things could blow up in his face and alter his career in the military . This was not what he had planned . He had just wanted to help his boss understand . This was not the outcome he wanted . " I 'll ask again , Mr . Masters . Does the Linda Hotel mean anything to you ? " A very meek response was barely heard from the witness box . " For sex . " Michael stood and screamed at his father in horror and in disbelief . He struggled to get at him , wanting to beat him , Clay grappled with Michael , trying to keep him in the bench and away from his father . Clay was convinced that Michael would have killed him if he got a hold of him . He could feel Michael 's fury and rage . And Clay couldn 't blame him . He was feeling the same rage and anger as Michael . For treating Michael the way he had and then to have had sex with a kid the same age as Michael and Trent was absolutely despicable and immoral . Clay would now protect Michael with every fiber in his body . " All this time you let this go on , and you 've been having sex with someone old enough to be your son . You sick mother fucking scum sucking fucking asshole . And she 's dead because you were out having a sexual affair . I hope they kill you . I hope you fry ! " " ORDER , ORDER IN THE COURT ! ! " The Judge slammed his gavel on the bench , trying to restore order , as people yelled and looked in disbelief at the Major and the Private who wept openly in the witness box . Policemen were desperately trying to get everyone to sit down . The secret was out : Frank Evens had been having sex with another man , a very young man , while driving a family apart and allowing a woman to be killed . Whether he actually pulled the trigger or not , his actions may just as well have caused it . Trent finally got through and Michael broke down . He sat down in the bench and started to cry . " This court will be in recess until one o ' clock this afternoon . The number of officers in this court will be doubled at that time . I do not want a disruption like that again in my court room . Is that understood ? " Clay and Trent remained seated in the courtroom with Michael in between them , both holding onto him tightly . They waited until the courtroom was almost empty , making sure that Frank Evans was gone as well as one Dillon Masters . Michael 's face was completely red with rage . He was literally biting his tongue and almost drawing blood in order to keep his mouth shut and stay quiet . Neither Clay nor Trent said anything , both knowing that nothing needed to be said . Michael did however hold onto Trent 's hand and stayed with him . Trent was grateful for that one concession on Michael 's part . They left the courtroom and went outside to a band of reporters . Clay had been prepared for that and body guards from the company immediately threw a shield around the family and brought them to an SUV with tinted windows . This was a time that Michael appreciated the comforts of money and what it meant . He wasn 't sure if he 'd ever get used to having the kind of money that Trent grew up in but he could see it 's privilege more and more the longer he stayed with the Sanders . He guessed that he was just getting used to it with Trent and him being around each other all the time . The SUV pulled away from the court house and merged into traffic . Michael leaned against Trent and closed his eyes as Trent put his arm around Michael and tried to comfort his best friend . Trent had never seen Michael stand up and become so vocally abusive towards anyone before . He was both proud and shocked at the same time . They went out to eat and for once Trent was glad to see that Michael made an actual attempt at eating something . And he ate everything that was served to him . That was one thing that truly amazed Trent the most : that nothing was left on Michael 's plate . That was a first time in weeks . They returned at one o ' clock . You could feel the electricity in the courtroom and the extra presence of the police was undeniable . The judge had not been kidding and the entire force had doubled in number since they had left earlier that morning . All had night sticks and all of them were carrying them . They were in their hands , out and ready for use if need be . You could feel the tension in the air between the cops and the people in the courtroom . It was almost as to see who was going to snap first . " I didn 't kill her . I don 't want that old man for the rest of my life . I don 't love him . He 's the one that was chasing me . " Michael had jumped over Clay and was three quarters away his father before the cops could stop him . There was pure rage in his heart . Trent was three feet behind him , trying to reach him , but the cops had already stopped him . " You hated gays . That is what you always said and you 're one yourself . All those years I beat myself up because of the things you said about . . . what is wrong with you ? " Frank Evans stood still , saying nothing , just looking at Michael . Mandy sat next to their father , looking at him , wondering why he had lied like he had . " Come on , Michael , you 're more of a man than he 'll ever be . Don 't waste your time or breath . " Trent was the one that got through to him . He left the court room . He hadn 't been called and they could come and find him if they needed him . He wasn 't going anywhere , but he was definitely not going to sit in the same room as that man that had fathered him . Because that was all he had done as far as Michael was concerned . His whole life had been a lie , all those years beating himself up mentally . All those years lost in solitude , feeling at a loss for being less of a man according to his father 's words . And they were one and the same , they were kindred spirits . All this time , a lifetime wasted on feeling guilty and for what ? Because he felt less of a man himself . Michael had lived his father 's guilt all those years , why ? Michael sat in the lobby but was never called as a witness . Clay came out , got the boys and headed for home as soon as the court was over for the day . Trent took Michael upstairs as soon as they got home . As best as he could Clay relayed the story and shock to Sarah . She decided to call Dr . Davis to the house . By the time Dr . Davis had arrived Michael had taken a Xanax to get himself calmed down . He hadn 't taken any in a long time but this was a time he knew he needed one . He had to stop the emotional turmoil in his heart . Michael felt like he was going to explode . Sarah sat with Michael and Trent while Dr . Davis was there . Clay sat in the study , trying himself to calm down . He clutched once at his heart as he slumped silently sideways in his leather chair . The Xanax finally began to work on Michael and he was able to calm down and actually asked for something to eat . Trent was the one that went with him to the kitchen . On the way down he just wanted to check and see if his Dad wanted anything to eat . He entered Clays study and froze on the spot . Trent screamed for help immediately . " Call 911 , call 911 , Dad 's down in his study . " Sarah came running through the door . Trent was trying to get Clay to lie on the floor in order to give him CPR . He remembered it from a class they had taken on it , it was best to get the person lying down on a hard surface . " Michael , help me get him on the floor . I need to give him CPR . Come on , Michael " . Michael didn 't move at first until Trent looked him in the eyes and then he seemed to connect and Michael moved across the room . Trent checked for a pulse and found none . He began compressions immediately . " Michael , when I tell you breathe into his lungs ; give him a good breath . " Trent counted , one two three . " Breath , Michael . " Michael gave Clay a deep breath and Trent resumed giving compressions , he was getting tired but knew he had to continue until the paramedics came and relieved him . That was the most important thing he learned about CPR : never give up until someone comes to relieve you . The clock was ticking and Trent knew he couldn 't stop , but he was getting tired and the clock kept ticking . This was his Dad . There was no way he was going to stop . " Trade places with me , Trent . " Michael moved up and took Trent 's place and started the compressions that Trent had just finished . And Trent resumed the breathing that Michael was doing . Trent and Michael were both relieved to hear the ambulance pull into the driveway with the siren blaring . The paramedics entered the house . Michael didn 't know how much longer he would be able to keep up the required rhythm . As young as Michael and Trent were , CPR turned out to be physically demanding . By the time the paramedics arrived and took over , they were both exhausted . " I didn 't have time . The pain came and I was out . It was just unbearable . I couldn 't move or say anything when it hit . I held my chest for a second thinking it would pass and that 's the last thing I remember . " " Please , everyone , we have to get him to the hospital . He 's had a major heart attack and time is of the essence . Do you have a preference as to what hospital he goes to or just the nearest one ? " I know time is important , but he 's on the board at City Hospital . He 'll get the best care and treatment there , even if he needs surgery today . And if you take the Mass Pike you 'll be there in a few minutes , gentleman . It 's on the outskirts of Boston and at least not right downtown like so many are . " " Michael , I 'm here for you and the lawyer will go with us for however long the trial takes . Nothing is going to happen . We will stay away from your father . You will take your pills in the morning before we go to the court . Dr . Davis has already said that he will go with us if need be and talk to the judge . You might not get called at all for anything . You didn 't see anything ; you were only at the party . The only thing they might have called you for was to talk about the fight you and your father had when you left the house and came to live with me and my parents . And I don 't know if that it 's going to matter , after what has happened . " " I can 't believe after all these years , Trent , that he 's been gay . What the fuck has he been thinking and not coming to me and at least saying that he understood . He might not have had to tell me he was gay , but if he had just said I understand , I would have felt so differently about him . Now , now all I can do is hate him . I 'll never have him in my life , Trent , or our lives I should say . He 's written himself out of it . The best thing that I can do for myself is to turn the page on him and forget him . He made me suffer all those years , thinking I was such a disappointment to him because I was gay , because of the ways he said he felt about gays . Repeatedly Trent , not once , not twice , but over and over again he said it , throughout my life he said it . He made me feel like there was something wrong with me as a child . And if he had any idea that I might be gay , even just kept it up and for what ? And that brings up the question : did my mother know ? She couldn 't have . She couldn 't have known that he was having an affair with that kid . For Christ sake 's , Trent , what in the hell was he thinking doing that ? Do you think that kid might have killed my mother ? " " I don 't think so , Mikey . I think that kid got used by your father . I think your father uses people when it 's convenient for him to do so and he gets what he wants out of it . I think that kid got hit blindsided , Mikey . I don 't think he ever saw the fact that he would be accused of murder . I thought he would shit his pants when the prosecutor accused him of that . He turned completely white , Michael . I watched him , he didn 't do it . " " Everything was such a blur . I don 't what to think I remember anyone being called up except him . I barely remember Mandy being up there . " " We were all busy greeting people , and just having fun , Trent . I couldn 't tell you how long anyone was here , never mind my sister or your sister . The only person I 'm only half sure of is you and me and that 's it . Everyone else , your parents , your brothers and sisters and the rest of the family , I couldn 't even begin to tell you where in the hell they were . " Michael was getting defensive now . This was his sister they were talking about . Mandy was just not capable of murder and he knew it . She was the other half of him and this he knew for sure : She was not capable of murder any more than he was capable of it , and especially murdering their mother . Perhaps killing someone in self - defense would be one thing for them , but to kill their mother , that was unthinkable . Mandy just wasn 't capable . Well , she was capable when he thought about it , but she just wasn 't the one that had done it was all he knew . That left the Major and Kevin Cranston . Which one was the killer ? That was all that Michael wanted to know . Michael and Trent left for the hospital to see Clay and find out what was going on and how serious the heart attack was . Upon their arrival Clay was going through tests and Sarah wasn 't sure as to what was going on . They were checking to see what kind of blockages Clay had , and to see if bypass surgery was necessary . Sarah had been crying as had the rest of the family that had been there . Most of the kids had been in and out of the chapel in the hospital , praying for Clay 's safe and quick recovery . Michael and Trent made their way to the chapel at Michael 's request . " Come on , Trent , you and I haven 't been to church lately , with school and everything . It 's the one place we 've been avoiding for whatever reason I 'm not sure . We need to get there and do some soul searching and say a few things on Dad 's behalf . Ask the man upstairs for a huge favor right now . We need him , I know I do right now . I know you don 't know this , but I asked him to give me away at the wedding since I didn 't have anyone to do that . He said he 'd do it for me . " " I think it 's wonderful that he 's doing that for you , Michael . I can 't think of anyone better to do that than him . He thinks the world of you since you moved in . You moved into the house and then into his heart , I know that much , Little Buddy . " Trent used the name he had given Michael but hadn 't used in a long time and this time Michael had taken it without fuss . There were times that he actually liked it , Trent just had to figure out the right times . They sat in the chapel and prayed not just for Clay , but for the outcome of the trial , although neither stated the obvious of that fact . It was weighing heavily on Michael 's mind as well as Trent 's but Trent didn 't want to bring it up , especially now that his father was in the hospital . Their silence was interrupted by Stephen and Peter . " The doctors are in the waiting room and they have news . Come on you two . " Michael and Trent left the chapel and followed Stephen and Peter closely , not wanting to miss anything that the doctor 's had to say to them . Only a few of the children weren 't there and those that weren 't were on the way from where ever they lived . " He 's stable right now , but he 's going to need surgery . He 's going to need a triple bypass surgery . I 'd rather not risk just putting stints in and find out they aren 't enough . Stints are fifty - fifty at best . I 'd rather do surgery , but if you tell me as a family you want me to use the stints , I will . But if this was my father , I 'd be asking for surgery and that 's my professional opinion . I 'll give you ten minutes to discuss it and I 'll be back for an answer after that . Please discuss it ; this is important . Yes , stints are the easy way out , but not always the best answer . I 'm telling you as a friend , Sarah , I recommend the bypass . I 'll be back . " With that Dr . Elwood left the room for the Sanders to discuss what course of action they were going to decide on . It was Sarah who spoke first . " I know this is going to sound a little crazy , but hear me out , all of you . Listen carefully . All of us are very emotional right now . We need a clear head . I think the clearest head we have right now is Michael . What do you think , Michael ? What should we do ? I 'm asking you for a decision . " " I 'm not putting anything on you . One way or another , a decision has to be made . We as a family still have to decide on it after you decide . But give us your reasons , as to why or why not . You have a good mind , Michael , and I trust it . Just think about it for a minute . And then we 'll talk about it . Will you do that for me ? " " Judging from what Dr . Elwood said I think the bypass should be what we talk about . The stints are fifty - fifty . I don 't like the odds . If the bypass are better odds for him and a healthier outlook , and longer life , than what 's there to think about , guys ? This is a no brainer ! I think we should let Dr . Elwood perform the bypass he recommended . And being selfish , I just asked Dad to give me away at the wedding , so I want him standing there . So you better all agree . " Michael turned away and the tears flowed too easily for him . He couldn 't bear the thought of losing the man he had come to love and respect , more so than his own father . Stephen spoke up first . " Michael 's right , this is a no brainer , Mom . Dad needs that bypass . I don 't want a fifty - fifty chance ; I want something more than that . Dad would want more than that and you all know that . So there 's nothing to discuss as far as I 'm concerned . Let 's vote , all those who say bypass , raise your hand . Every one raised their hand . Michael didn 't see the vote , he was still crying in Trent 's shoulder . But he raised his hand and he knew Trent had raised his . He just assumed that everyone raised theirs . " That settles it then . When Dr . Elwood comes back in we 'll tell him that Dad needs a bypass as soon as possible , I 'm sure it will either be today or first thing tomorrow morning . They know he 's on the top floor and that might make a difference , but getting a staff together at this hour to perform surgery might be questionable at best . However , the man has friends in many places and once most of them know who is in need of surgery , most will want to assist in surgery . " At seven o ' clock that evening Clay 's surgery began . Now they needed prayers to get him through the surgery . Modern science was one thing but the Sanders believed in pray just as much right now and that 's what Clay needed , just as much as a good surgeon . The surgery seemed to go on forever , but finally the doctor came out and assured them that Clay was out of the woods and would be placed in ICU as soon as he woke up from the anesthesia and could count from ten backwards . Sarah was allowed to go in and see him while the anesthesia wore off , so she could be there when he woke up the first time . " Hey there , tall dark and handsome . If you 're trying to scare me , you just succeeded . Don 't do that again ever , that 's an order from the kids . They are on baited breath , waiting to see you . And if you 're trying to get out of giving Michael away at the wedding , this is very lame and it 's even worse getting out of all that fun and excitement of the trial . I think Michael feels partly responsible for this Clay . After all , you were at the trial today and you yourself said there was a lot of excitement . And don 't bother trying to say much of anything , buster . You need your rest . The kids want to see you and I hate to tell them no , but they won 't be seeing you for a day or two . Can you deal with that , not seeing your kids for a few days ? " Clay just shook his head to the question . Right now he was having trouble just nodding his head to his wife . The women he loved with every fiber of his being . He had done so ever since they had met as teenagers so many years ago . To him she was the same girl now as she was the first day he met her . Gone were the lines she carried so well , the subtle weight that she carried from having all the children but she had worked that off every time . He didn 't know how she had done it . And always with a smile on her face . Never once complaining . He knew the early years had been tough and lean . Stephen was almost fifteen when it got easier , and Susan was nineteen when life got good . He had made her trust fund the largest . It was the last four that time was on their side , who got trust funds when they were first born . Clay began to think it was time to retire . Regardless of what the doctors had to say , he could arrange things so that he could work one or two days a week until one of the younger ones might take over or he just sold everything . He had considered selling a few months ago and knew the business could be sold for over two billion , leaving the entire family never having to work again if they decided they didn 't want to . Clay knew that most of the boys wanted to work as did the girls , ifNews spread quickly that Clay woke up and was speaking to Sarah . The kids were ecstatic and some decided to go home since they couldn 't see him today . Just knowing that he had survived his heart attack thanks to Trent and Michael was enough for most of them . Some stayed , hoping to see him before the end of the night . They were sent home by their mother who , at midnight , said enough was enough and that they shouldn 't wait any longer . They would see their father the following day . The day came early , and Michael and Trent snuck in early to see Clay , even earlier than Sarah had gotten up that morning . It was the boy 's intention to get in to see him before they went to court . They were hoping that today would be the last day and that the jury would leave by the end of the day to make a decision . " I hear I owe my life to my favorite sons " Clay looked at the two of them with great pride . He meant what he had said . They were his favorite sons . " But don 't tell anyone or I 'll have to kill the both you and then there goes that wedding ! You two need to get to the court room , I can see the time . My lawyer will be having a fit , wondering why you 're not there already . But I 'm sure they aren 't going to call you , Michael . I don 't know what light you could possibly shed on the whole thing . You weren 't living at home at the time , you weren 't speaking to your parents . You just found out yesterday about that kid and your father . And I want to tell you : the trial has nothing to do with this heart attack , Michael . What happened , happened . It 's that simple . So don 't go reading anything into this . Do you understand me , Michael Wayne ? Don 't you dare think this into something that it 's not ? " " Dad I can 't help but think that the things that went on in that courtroom had a little something to do with your heart attack . Don 't try and tell me any different . Heart attacks are brought on by major stress , and I would count yesterday as major stress . Don 't even think otherwise . Close your mouth or I 'll ask Stephen and the Doctor to come in here . " " I 'm sorry , but Stephen wouldn 't do what exactly ? " Clay was surprised to see his eldest son at the hospital at this hour . " I 'm here to make sure someone follows the doctor 's orders . I know someone who has a tendency to not do so when the spirit so moves him . " " And the last time you saw a doctor he said he wanted to see you in six months for another checkup . Three years have passed since then , Dad . So much to listening to what the doctor 's telling you to do . " Clay couldn 't argue with Stephen . He knew he was right . Even at his growing age of fifty - four , Clay Sanders suffered from the same as most men his age suffered . They had basically experienced a healthy life , they had a tendency to think of themselves as indestructible until something like this rocked them to their very foundation . Clay had been rocked this time . But the doctors were optimistic on his outcome from the surgery and his chances for recovery . They didn 't need to tell him that he was going to have to take it easy . He had already decided that he was going to do just that . He 'd decided he would punch the clock once a week just to keep his fingers in the business . But what else he was going to do with the business , he wasn 't sure yet . " I think you need to talk to Peter , Randy and Danny , Dad . Those are the last three and Danny and Randy are still young . I 'm not sure if they 've even considered it , but I haven 't lived at home for a few years , so how would I know for sure about that ? " " You might not have lived at home , but you still talk to your brothers and they might say things to you that they don 't necessarily say to me . I 'm sure you know how that goes , Stephen . " " I do Dad , and I 'll say this . You haven 't considered Randy or Yvonne for taking over , but I think the pair of them will do well if given half the chance . Randy has some ideas now that sound almost impossible to me , but with technology the way it 's going I can 't believe he 's that off from being right . " " Well , I 'll be honest . I thought about them as a team before , but then Danny made some comments and I wasn 't so sure . But I thought I saw some sparks between the two of them some time ago , when it came to business agenda 's , as young as they were at the time . I think of all my children those two are the most predisposed to be in business and be in business together . " " Make it happen for me , Stephen , and soon . Not that I 'm thinking I 'm going anywhere soon , I don 't . But I have some ideas and some things I want put in motion before the board meets in two months . I 'm going to need all the family to vote with me on a few things , so just know the next board meeting I want everyone there . Please pass the word to your brothers and sisters . This is a command performance , due to their shares in the company . They 'll basically be paving the way for Randy and Yvonne to step at a very young age , but I think it 's what the company needs right now , Stephen , in order to keep moving forward with technology . We need to tap into what 's still in high school and younger . Not what 's coming out of college now . They are all ready to old for what I 'm thinking . " " Okay , Dad , I think you 've had enough business for today . I want you to relax and just take it easy . How about we take a walk down the hall and back ? " Stephen assisted his Dad getting out of the hospital bed and they made their way for the hallway . Clay wasn 't sure if he could actually make the entire walk today . He was already feeling tired and they had just gotten into the hallway . Stephen 's cell phone rang halfway down the hallway . " Are you going to answer that or help an old man to an early grave ? I want to make sure that Michael is okay , Stephen . " Stephen looked at his father and for the first time realized just how great the love he had for children went . " So what was the outcome today , Michael ? Did you have to get on the stand ? If I don 't tell Dad something in about one more minute , on top of a heart attack he 'll be having a stroke on me . " Stephen listened as Michael explained that only a few more things had come to light and that it looked as though tomorrow would be the end of the trial part and that it would be handed over to the jury for deliberation at some point in the afternoon , unless something that was earth shattering happened in the morning . Stephen was relaying as fast as Michael was telling him . Clay was relieved at the news from Michael . Michael told Stephen that they would be back at the hospital as soon as the trial was over for the day . " Michael , he may be the one , he may not , we don 't know yet . What if he isn 't , Mike ? What are you going to do ? " It was a name that was foreign to Michael . It was one that Trent never called Michael . It was either Michael or Mikey but never just Mike . It caught him by surprise and off guard . " I don 't know Mikey . It just seemed to fit this time . But seriously , if your father is found innocent and someone else is guilty , what are you going to do ? " " I told you once already , Trent , my father and I are done . We have nothing else to discuss in life . If what that kid said is true , then that must mean that he has been hiding being gay all his life which I can understand . What I can 't understand is treating me the way he did all my life . Why wasn 't he more understanding about the whole issue ? I mean , he didn 't have to shout it out to the world , but he could have taken me aside at a younger age and explained things to me that might have made me feel differently about myself all this time . I wouldn 't have hated being who I was . Being afraid to make a mistake for fear of him finding out . I spent so many years paranoid that he would find out and throw me out long before I actually left . And now I realize that none of it was necessary to begin with . I lived my life in a shell , in fear , afraid of everything . I walked on egg shells for so long , I still do . Not nearly as much as I used to but I did for years . And for what ? For his self - imposed exile into hell ? Why did he have to take me with him ? I was born this way , same as he was . And he knows what he did , just like I know what I 'm doing . He 'll never be part of my life or ours I should say , Trent . And if we are lucky enough to have children , then they won 't know who he was either . He 'll be a grandparent that died before they were born , end of conversation , Trent . " " You can 't lie to them if we have kids Mikey , you can 't . " " Trent , if you love me you won 't fight with me over this . This is not up for discussion or debate . When this is over he no longer exists in my book . He 's dead , buried and gone . " " What if one day he just shows up and we have kids that are say in their twenties or a little younger , then what will you do ? " Trent looked at Michael not wanting to fight with him but hoping Michael would have a bigger heart than his father had had in life , and let his children see it . " Michael stood from the table they were at and stepped a few steps away , turned and looked at Trent . " I 'm done with him , Trent . Nothing you can say to me will ever change that . Don 't try and use children . I don 't have to change my mind , it will never happen . Drop the subject , seal it , forget it . Bring it up again and we will have a problem , Trent . " He had never seen Michael like this , had never seen that rage come up or be at the end of it . Trent decided that today was a good day to forget it all and just go on with life as they knew it . Perhaps there would be another day to cross that bridge , today was not that day and he knew it . Trent paid their lunch bill and caught up with Michael . " I 'm sorry , buddy . I went too far and you 've said it before where you stood with your father . Sometimes I don 't know when to quit . I just want our kids to see what kind of heart their father really has as opposed to the one their grandfather had . There 's a world of difference and about three million apart from one another . " Michael looked up at Trent and realized again why he had fallen in love with this man . " Maybe someday , big boy , but today is not that day , I 'll give you that much . " Trent felt perhaps a small victory had been reached between the two of them . Michael realized Trent was right and Trent began to understand that Michael still wasn 't going to be pushed into anything . But for now they had court to attend . Trent was hoping it would be over soon and they would be able to move on with their lives . Not only had it taken its toll on his lover physically , but emotionally Trent had never seen Michael so torn . He couldn 't understand what was bothering him . He just knew that something Michael was thinking about he wasn 't sharing with Trent , in any way , shape or form . Trent wanted to hold him as tight as he could and vanquish all of Michael 's problems . Little was Trent aware how torn Michael was between his family members at this very moment . But he had to make sure before he just blurted it out . He just wasn 't sure how to find out what he wanted to know . He didn 't know if he could find proof fast enough , but that was what he really wanted to do . He considered the lesser of the two evils that flanked him on either side . But Michael knew who did it . And it made him sick to his stomach . I 've been writing for a few years now and have come to enjoy the feedback I get from you guys . A lot has to do with why I keep writing . I use to be a personal chef but no longer work , I 'm retired . Did so at the age of 49 . having fun just enjoying life . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
My sister and I have 3 horses that we trail ride - - a Morab , a Morgan and a Morgan mix . This blog is all about them . By the way , check out my two books " Trail Training for the Horse and Rider " and " Trail Horse Adventures and Advice . I also have the most adorable , loveable cat named Thunder . I call him a mini Maine Coon . He is the light of my life when things go wrong . He will always listen to me and try to comfort and cheer me up . He does a pretty good job of it , too . Saturday morning , Ellen and I went out with Dante and Cruiser for a trail ride . since Dante crossed the river with Ellen the day before , we figured he 's cross easily . Cruise went down to the river 's edge , first , and paused - something he seldom does . Dante didn 't want to wait for him and passed him right up - getting to the other side before Cruiser 's hooves were barely wet . River crossing is no longer a problem for Ellen and Dante . Once again , Dante was very excited - leading the way . Cruiser quietly walked behind him . the ride stayed at a walk and was uneventful . We then took Cole and Ranger on a ride . Sunday , my younger niece came out to ride Ranger . This time , we took Dante , Cole and Ranger out . Dante , in his excitement , trotted down the river bank to the water . Ellen didn 't appreciate that , but at least it shows he isn 't reluctant to cross anymore . We had another uneventful ride . The only bad moment was when Dante took off trotting because a nasty bug was plaguing him . I 'm sure that is how he is used to responding to bad bugs - having lived outside his whole life . He will need to learn some self control . That 's exactly how Cole used to behave when it would start to rain . I then took Cruise on a ride with Starry . It was a very hot weekend , and I was reminded why I don 't really like summer . Heat , sweat , bugs , yuk . Still , it is nice to be able to trail ride so much - something I don 't get to do enough in the winter . My sister sent me an email to tell me she rode Dante across the river this morning - all by herself . I didn 't even know she was going to try . So I had to call her . She said that at first he tried his spinning , but that didn 't work for him . Then he tried to back up a few times , but that didn 't work for him , either . Then , he put his head down to look at the water . At that point , she knew she had him . She clicked and treated him , so he did it again . she clicked and treated again - and then he stepped in . He was very excited , so she decided she would lead him . They walked for about 20 minutes , turned around and came back . She had to get back on to cross again . He didn 't really want to , but she gently worked him through it - and then they were home ! We planned to try him with Cruiser , tomorrow , so it looks like that will go fine . on Sunday , my younger niece is coming out to ride Ranger with us - so it will be Ranger , Cole and Dante - for the first time . I will let you know how that goes . I think all will be fine . Dante is a very good horse with a very good mind . So , I will just leave you with another lo - res picture from my cheap tracphone of Thunder . Today is Thunder Thursday , his best day of the week . I will be picking him some catnip and playing some cat games with him . Thunder We did indeed have tuna fish for dinner last night , and Thunder was very happy . ( I also had 3 ears of corn . Mmmm … ) It was rather chilly in the evening , so when I was done with all my chores and my phone calls , it was time to read a book and cuddle . I think it just became a habit since I kept the furnace set at 59 degrees this winter . He has turned into a very cuddly cat this year , but with his long coat , he will only cuddle on chilly days . We ended up falling asleep , but as usual , the dog barked and woke us up , so I brought Thunder up to bed . He is laying on his beat up old box that is alongside the windowsill by his tower . When the sun doesn 't reach the top of the tower , he likes to sleep here . I 'm thinking that he is dreaming of tuna juice . I 'll have to have a tunafish sandwich tonight for supper . It 's the only people food that he will eat . As soon as I open the can , he starts singing . . . Yes , another river story , but this once starts quite a few years ago . Back when Cruiser was probably 13 - 14 years old , he got really weird when he was crossing the river in the spring . I don 't know exactly what he would do , since I was always on his back and couldn 't see it , but it was terrifying . All of his legs went all different directions . We called it his " crab walk . " The closest way I could describe it is the way it feels when a horse steps on ice and starts to slip on all four feet . It was a serious problem , and he did fall , once . Though he didn 't hurt himself , it took a week before he would cross , again . Then , like a miracle , as soon has he got he shoes in the spring , it would go away , and I would forget all about it until the following spring . If I crossed the river when his shoes were pulled in the fall , he was fine , so I never figured out what it was all about . Now , it was time to start trail riding Cruise , again , for the first time since last November when I had his shoes pulled . Since he is going to be on light riding - possibly permanently - I was hoping to keep him barefoot . That meant I had to cross the river and see what happened . I was more nervous about this than Ellen was about Dante , but I just tried not to think about it . ( Ellen was nervous , too and couldn 't watch . ) I knew that Cruiser would be willing , and just as I planned with Dante if he misbehaved or panicked , I just had to sit there . I chose the narrowest section of river . Ellen was far behind us with Ranger . We both figured it would be better that way because Cruiser would be less likely to rush that way . Cruiser seemed so enthusiastic as he marched down the river bank for the first time in so long . He went right into the water and carefully walked to the other side . Talk about anticlimactic , but it was wonderful . I was going on a trail ride on the horse that I thought would never getting his breathing back to ever go out , again . He walked fast down the trail and was happy . Me too . Life got in the way , and we weren 't able to tackle the river again for weeks . There was high water one weekend , extreme cold on another and then there was the awful weekend that Ellen had to work . We really wanted to get past the river , and we were both frustrated . This weekend , the river was a little high and muddy . We would have preferred a lower river that we could see the bottom , but we were tired of waiting . It was definitely crossable , but just not ideal . On Saturday , Ellen and I took Cole and Dante down to the water 's edge . Cole walked in and stood there . Dante refused . When he got to the edge , he took a quick turn to the left , Ellen circled him and brought him right back . This happened over and over . Cole was drinking and blowing bubbles in the water . Nothing that Dante did was aggressive or dangerous , but he just wasn 't going to take a step in . Maybe he remembered when we led him across and he slipped a number of times on the algae - covered slate and panicked . After a few minutes , I noticed the look on Ellen 's face . I have seen it before . She looked like she was going to throw up . Her voice got very little . She had lost her nerve . Dante wasn 't going to cross when Ellen didn 't want to cross . She explained to me later what happened . She got that image in her head that Dante would rush and slip on the slate , and she couldn 't function . If Dante would have gone in , she would have let him , but she couldn 't encourage him to do it . She told me to go on my ride . Well , Cole was having such a fun time in the water that it was a huge effort to get him out . Finally , we made it to the other side and trotted away . Dante was very upset , but not enough to want to follow . Ellen was going to stay at the bottom and wait , but the bugs started to get bad . She brought him back to the barn , and he was happy about that - he was going home - but she instead took him to the indoor arena and rode him for 25 minutes . He was extremely grumpy , and they had an awful ride . Sunday morning , I met her at the barn and asked her what the plan was . She didn 't think he would cross , and she was visibly upset . I told her that she could ride him in the arena for the next 20 years , or we could work on the river crossing . I told her I would ride him if she wanted . She got all happy and said that would be fine with her . She would be the ground person with a pocket full of carrots . I had no trouble getting Dante to the river 's edge , but as soon as he got there , he spun away . I kept him spinning - in a much tighter and less comfortable circle than Ellen . I don 't know how many times we went around and around . Finally , he stopped at the water and stood . We clicked and treated . When I asked for forward , sometimes he just refused and sometimes he did the spinning , but when he finally put a hoof in the water , he got clicked and treated . Soon , the spinning was gone , and he was taking one step at a time - an inch each step and he got clicked and treated each time . He put his nose into the water , sniffed the big rock next to him and looked at Ellen . When he got his back hooves in , I felt a difference in his demeanor . Up until that point , I wasn 't sure if we would make it all the way across , but now I knew . We continued clicking and treating for every step . By now , his steps were bigger . When he was halfway across , he decided he was going to the other side - and didn 't even stop when I clicked him to get a treat . We made it . Everyone was so happy - including Dante . It took only about 10 minutes - half what I expected . We went on a little trail ride . Dante was curious and very excited and enthusiastic . When it was time to turn around to go home , he tried to turn back to keep going on . He is going to make a great trail horse . When it was time to re - cross the river , I was a little concerned . When we did this on foot , he leapt into the water , slipped and panicked . This time , I was on his back . We rode down the steep bank and I gently nudged him in . He then crossed like a champ . He carefully placed each step . I think he learned from the leading lesson that rushing can cause him to slip . Wow , were we all happy . I rode him up the hill , got off and brought him to his stall . No arena work this time ! Ellen said that there are some times that you just need to get a neutral person to help you . I had done this with horses , before , and I knew what to expect . If he rushed and slipped , I planned to just sit there until we got to the other side . It was a concern , but it didn 't frighten me . Since Ellen got to watch how well he crossed , she won 't be afraid of him being careless in the future . Dante is a very careful horse . Fear can incapacitate a person , and it happens all the time in the horse world . Remember when I was afraid to ride Cole in the arena ? After he bolted a dozen times of so in the far corner , I could barely breathe when we rode there . Logic had nothing to do with it . I handled him with each bolt , got him in control and didn 't fall off . Still , I stayed on one side of the arena a whole winter . When fear gets the best of you , recognize it and ask for help . I used to have people walk next to me when I rode Cole on the far end of the arena . When Ellen is afraid - she puts me in the saddle . My older niece came out to ride with me , last night . We were a little concerned since the weather was very changeable , and they were predicting bad storms . She rode Ranger and I rode Cole . It did rain a little at the beginning of the ride , but soon it stopped and the sun came out . Once we crossed the river , we mostly trotted all the way to the next river crossing . My niece rode better than she ever did before . Her posting was perfect - in spite of Ranger going a little faster than he did the last few weeks . She was able to keep him from slowing down to lure Cole closer so he could try to intimidate him , too . She didn 't use the reins as balance , rather she had them slightly slack . Basically , I think Ranger won her confidence and allowed her to do her best . She is no longer afraid to ride him - I think he has become her favorite horse . When we got back , I set her to watering the 30 + horses and Kevin cleaned our stalls . I somewhat felt like Tom Sawyer as I took Cruiser for a pleasant walk on the hill . Then my niece helped me give hay to all the horses We then celebrated our great ride with a hot fudge sundae at McDonalds . As I was driving home , the lightning started . It was so nice that we were able to enjoy our whole evening before the storms moved in . Thunder won a prize package from Sparkle the Design Cat ! You can visit her blog , here . http : / / www . sparklecat . com / We were so excited when the package came to our door . In it , we found cat food , toys , a litter scooper , cat treats and a Glogirly Bell . I was particularly excited about the bell , because we follow the Glogirly blog . www . glogirly . com We love hearing about the adventures of Katie and her nemesis Waffles . In fact , I just love cat blogs in general . I don 't know many people , personally , that adore their cats like Ellen and I adore ours , so it is refreshing to read that we aren 't alone . Other people delight in their cats just like we do ! Back to our prize package . It included 3 cans Friskies Rise & Shine Savory Salmon & Egg Scramble . Thunder , one of the most finicky cats I have ever encountered when it comes to canned food , thought it was gross . He took one sniff of it and ran away . Maggie liked it very much . I was a little worried about whether he would like the six cans of Fancy Feast Delights Chicken & Cheddar Cheese Feast . I have tried Fancy Feast before , and he always sticks his nose up in the air . Maggie likes Fancy Feast . Fortunately , it was pate . He prefers pate , but he also prefers seafood , and this was chicken . Well , he loved it ! We had success . He thought the toy was fun , but not that much fun . It is going to go into the catnip jar . He will like it very much when it comes out . He was totally unimpressed with the litter scooper , but I liked it . Now , here is the best part . There was a package of Science Diet Crunchy Creations cat treats . Thunder is finicky treat eater , too . I use his treats for hide and seek , clicker training and as treats for teeth brushing . Sometimes he eats them and sometimes he doesn 't . These treats were too big for clicker treats and were too hard to break in half . Big treats fill up his belly too fast , and so it cuts the training session short . He did seem to like them a lot , so decided to use them for his dental rewards . I brush his teeth every morning and give him 3 treats when we are done . Sometimes he can be stubborn - refusing to come down from his tower or hiding under chairs or scooting away as I reach for him . Once I catch him , I pet him , he lays down flat , I give him lots of pets and cuddles , brush his teeth , give him treats and we are done . ( I brush Maggie 's teeth , too , but dogs are easy . ) On the second morning , he started crying for attention while I was still eating breakfast . I would go talk to him , go back to my breakfast and he would start up again . This is nothing new . I seldom get through a meal without him interrupting me . Yet , he seemed very persistent . Once I brushed his teeth , he quieted down . This happened a few days before I made the connection . He wanted me to brush his teeth so he could have his new treats ! Since then , he has come running when he hears the package - something he has never done before . A few times , he laid down for me to brush his teeth without me placing him down . He is particularly cooperative , too . These treats are great ! They are making our least favorite part of the day a favorite part of the day . I must get more ! ! ! Catching up on my riding blogs . I rode by myself on Friday , as Kevin had plans and Starry was due to have a day off . I took Cole on a fast 5 - mile ride . I always ride faster when I 'm by myself . This was our day to canter . We cantered in all the good spots . When we reached the spot that I practice that hard - to - get - right lead , he knew what I wanted . A light touch of my leg , and we were off . Only problem is we went up before we went forward . He gave me quite a big buck . As I looked down - waiting to land back in the saddle , I noticed he took the wrong lead . I also had time to think that if he bucked again , I wouldn 't be landing in the saddle . He didn 't buck - he did a flying lead change , instead and raced off on the requested for right lead . Saturday 's Ride My sister had to work , so that meant Kevin and I would go on a long ride - longer and faster than my sister is willing to do with Ranger . I missed riding with her , very much , but we made the best of it . We rode for 2 . 75 hours - much of it trotting - with the last 45 minutes towards home at a relaxing walk . Cole and I did get some cantering in when we lost Starry on a good section of trail . At first , he wanted to just keep trotting , and he gave me a very reluctant canter . We trotted some more , and when I asked for the canter a second time , he was much more motivated - and it was fun . We were able to trot a lot on the way home . By keeping Starry in the lead , I was able to regulate Cole 's speed and all went well . When Cole is in the lead , he goes faster , Starry gets upset and starts to canter - and then they want to race . If Starry is in the lead , it doesn 't matter how fast he goes - Cole can keep up at the trot and we can really burn up the trail . The weather was cool , there weren 't any bugs and the trails were very quiet . The only way it could have been better would be if Ellen was there . We did see her before the ride as she came out right before work . She had just finished riding Dante in the arena and on the hill when I arrived . She led Ranger around with Cruiser and me . Ellen had to work , again . This time , I brought my younger niece ( 17 ) out to ride her horse , Ranger . First , I rode Cruiser for a half hour at a walk on the barn property . I had my niece lead Dante with us . This is the first time she saw him , and she thought he was so cute . Kevin came with us on the ride . We did 5 miles with a fair amount of slow trotting on the way out , and then we walked all the way home . Cole and Starry were perfectly behaved , but still had energy , so the long ride the day before just took the edge off of them . I wasn 't worried about Cole Train - he is a Morab , after all . I was more worried about overdoing it with Starry . Kevin doesn 't ride quite like that often , and Starry is a large Quarter Horse . Turns out I underestimated the big behemoth . My niece really enjoyed herself . A few times , Ranger got really nervous from some scary traffic that was close to the trail , but she knew to just turn him to face it and ask him to stand . Monday 's Ride It was just Kevin and me , again . We did the 5 - mile ride . The horses were nearly perfect , and we really enjoyed ourselves . We did a lot of trotting and some cantering . On the way home , I stopped to pick a few mulberries from a tree right alongside the trail . I gave them to Cole , and he loved them . In fact , he asked for more by doing his silly walk . I didn 't give him any , since I don 't encourage him to do the silly walk when I 'm in the saddle without permission . Then he tried a side pass . No clicks since I didn 't ask for it , again . So instead , we trotted . I asked Cole to go into the big show trot - and he did ! He got clicked for that . When we got to the next mulberry tree , I suggested Kevin pick a few for Starry . He did , but Starry had trouble picking them out of his hand . Starry decided to take the matter into his own hands , bit off a foot of branch and ate the whole thing - red and black mulberries , leaves and wood . He really liked it . I took Cruiser on his physical therapy walk down the hill to the river . I trotted him at the bottom and he was sound . We then walked up , but he decided to gait , instead . His gait can get pretty fast , and he gave me quite a workout . If the river is in good shape this weekend , I would love to take him on a short , easy trail ride . Ellen 's work schedule really messed us up this week . She has been working with Dante in the arena , and each ride , he gets better . They have also bee riding around the property . The weekday road construction has been keeping her off the trail . We have been very frustrated about circumstances keeping Dante off the trail . We hope that will change , soon . ( Maybe he could go with Cruiser ? ) Ellen was able to move Dante into the stall next to Ranger and across from Cruiser , Cole and Starry . He is also next to a small , white mule . He has fallen in love with the mule and has been seen giving her a kiss . He seems to like Ranger , and though Ranger is playing bully , he is treating him much nicer than the horse that was previously in that stall - which is a relief . He hated that horse . Since he liked when Cole was next to him , and he loved his buddy , Mingo , we are hoping that he will accept Dante - a friendly horse . We shall see . Ellen has been riding Dante in the indoor arena this week , since they are still working on the road . It shouldn 't be much longer . She said he is doing well . Cole went on a fast and fun ride with Starry on Monday , and a slow and fun ride with my older niece on Ranger and Kevin on Starry . She was much more confident than last week - and it didn 't rain on us . My garden is all in place , and now I just need to weed and water until it is time to harvest . I got a new hose , so watering is going to be a little easier . Sometimes you just have to treat yourself to some luxury . It didn 't rain when we rode , but it rained at night so much that we weren 't able to cross the river on either day . Sigh . Another roadblock in our way of getting Dante on the trail . The good news - I rode Cruise . I just stayed on the little trail on the property , which isn 't very exciting , but it was just nice to be back in the saddle . of course , we stayed at a walk . He seemed happy enough to have me on his back . We did a half hour each day . it is a start . We also rode Cole and Ranger on the hill multiple times . Cole was as good as gold . Maybe we have finally slayed our hill demons . I used to dread riding him on the hill because he always wanted to rush - whether up or down . He was happy to walk and trot at Ranger 's speed . Now , on to Dante . The barn was a busy place on Saturday , so Ellen ended up riding in the round pen as everything else was in use . She trotted him a lot . When she was done , she rode him on the property at a walk . He seemed to like that much better . She opted not to ride on the hill . Sunday , the stables was very quiet , so she was able to use the indoor arena . She rode him a half hour . I gave her some guidance on the ground and gave her ideas on what to work on when she was by herself during the week . I want them form good habits , early , like going straight and bending . They did well , and when she made adjustments , so did Dante . Then , it was time to go down the hill . We walked down to the bottom , and then I stayed in one place while she trotted him back and forth on the flat bottom . He did very well with it . She felt much more impulsion , but she could still sit his trot . He stopped readily , too . They then rode back up together . She didn 't even need me there , but I just wanted to see what they could do . Posted by I don 't like to spend a lot of money on things I won 't use - - and one of them is cell phones . ( I also don 't have cable or a home computer . ) I use a tracphone with prepaid minutes - - and never use up the minutes before they expire . Well , my new phone - - on old model - - I think it may even be a used phone - - has a camera . Finally , I can take pictures and use my minutes before they expire . Since it is such a cheap phone , the photos are low resolution . I don 't care - - I think they look rather artsy . So here is my Thunder in lo res . A Happy Starry Kevin has owned Starry D for a few years , now . He is a really good horse for Kevin . He 's friendly , gentle and usually list . . . I figured out what our dog is . She is a Sprollie - - a Border Collie / Spaniel mix . Whether she was intentional or an accident , we will never k . . . I only had enough daylight to ride Cruise on trail . We went with my boyfriend and Starry . It was a very nice ride . When I got back , I d . . . |
I snapped the book shut and pitched it across my room , causing the book to ricochet off the door and fall face open on the floor . How dare they write this stuff about my mother ? What gave them the right ? Oh I forgot it has the word unauthorized in the title so that gives them the right . I didn 't need to finish it , I had lived it . She noticed the book on the floor and swooped it up . " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn . " She read the spine of the book and then tossed it onto my nearby desk . An unnatural laugh escaped her lips and she cocked her hip and looked back in my direction . " You finally decide to read that nonsense ? " It came out more like an accusation then a question , but that is what my sister had become ; a cold , sarcastic young woman who would soon be a teenager . " Parley , I 'm not in the mood for you today . Get the hell out of my room ! " I rose to my knees and pointed to the door . Since our mother died I had always tried to be the encouraging older brother , but there were times she pushed my nerves to the core and today was one of them . I looked over at Cherry and saw in her eyes that she wanted something from me , but unlike my father 's request , her 's was doable and reasonable . I reached over and began running my fingers though the soft fur on top of her head . Her stare eased , signaling me that she had forgiven me for shutting her out of my room ; since I found her she had been by my side and that is where she is happiest . She laid her head on my knee and I pulled both my hands behind my head and laid back into my pillow . I had a big decision to make and I had to make is soon . I just recently turned sixteen and with that , as the old saying goes , comes great responsibility . After all my party guests left my father , in one of his lucid moments , sat me down and asked me to take on a great task . He began by explaining to me that Octavia had set out to create a legacy out of the Slughorn name ; one where people would hear the name and admire it and be able to take life lessons from . He went on to tell me that she had decided that she had wanted me to carry on this legacy , and my dad wanted to know if I would take on that challenge . Percy brought along with his steady Margo , and as he stood at the gravesite he could not muster any tears for his departed mother . His heart was crushed and he felt lost without her , but the tears just would not come . Margo just rubbed his back and whispered in his ear that everything would be okay . Firefly still kept her distance from Porter , but was there with the girls to allow them to say good - bye to their grandma . Porter 's heart was heavier than most at the funeral for he was dealing with a double loss . He was not allowed to be with the woman he loved and the woman who had raised him when the man who shared his DNA abandoned him was now gone . The only comfort he could find was in Robin and Ana and he tried to rejoice in the blessing he had in his girls . Parley struggled and felt lost . She was the only female of the Slughorn clan and she didn 't know how she would cope without her mother . Without a woman to guide her through all the things she needed to learn . All of us tried to be there for her in the days that followed mom 's death but the only one she seemed to respond to was my best friend and the boy she use to find annoying , Midori Sour . I watched as he held a protective arm around my sister and I just knew she would be okay with him in her life . Even Danger and Misty Zone were there . My father was so against them attending , but Danger convinced him he had a right to be there since he and Octavia had three sons together . Misty acted as if she had lost her best friend . I didn 't understand her reaction because she and mom hadn 't been friends for years . At the end of the service Father Thomas called on Parley . It had been requested by my father that Parley sing the departing song . When he had asked her to do it she just shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the room and never brought it up again , but now when it was time to step in front of everyone she froze in her spot . I watched as Midori pulled her tight against his chest and wrap his arms protectively around her . He whispered something in her ear and waited for her reply . She wiped the tears from her eyes and stepped out of his shield of protection and took her place in front of mom 's coffin . She cleared her throat and tried to sing , but the only thing that came out was a strange croaking noise . She bowed her head and wiped more tears from her eyes . After a few seconds she tried again : The house after the funeral was a mad house . Many of those that weren 't allowed in the cemetery showed up with casseroles , and breads and really what they wanted was a glimpse of the inside . They wanted something to gossip about , something to criticize and something to be jealous about . Most got what they wanted especially after the book came out . The rest of us pretty much found our own thing to do . Parley and Midori were out back sitting on the swings , Pax , Jade and Bluebell were busy in the kitchen putting away food and serving some as well . Percy and Margo were held up on the couch talking in low voices amongst themselves and dad was desperately trying to avoid the single women that were now hunting him out . I found myself in a chair with the family photo album on my lap . The day seemed to drag on forever . Two months after we buried Octavia we Slughorn 's had our first birthday . It wasn 't a very festive day . There was no cake , no balloons and really no presents . I felt bad , but when I asked Percy about it he told me he was fine with how it all went down . Lucky for him he has a great gal in Margo and she took him for a picnic lunch in the park . Dad asked Percy to stick around for a while to help him take care of the three of us left at home and he agreed . Dad hadn 't been doing well since mom died . He was growing distant from us and wasn 't providing for us as he did in the past and a month later when the " The Unauthorized Story of Octavia Slughorn " came out he just about shut down completely . The whole town turned their backs on our family when that awful book came out . It didn 't take long for us to be the talk of the town and not in a good way either . Soon the kids in school started to torment Parley . They would have done the same to me , but I had Midori and I just didn 't care what they thought so when they saw that their teasing didn 't affect me they got bored with it and stopped , but Parley was a different story . She didn 't really have any friends , well except for Midori who was my age and in a different class , and she was very sensitive and the slightest things would set her emotions off . Even though my dad had pretty much tuned out when Parley came home from school upset something made him pay attention to that and finally he had , had enough . It was decided that we would move . For the first time since mom died he became active in researching the best place for our family and plans were made . Months past and it was decided we would move to Appaloosa Plains . The house in Riverview became Percy 's and since Porter had kids he opted to stay with Percy until he was legal to move out on his own , which would be soon after we moved . Moving day came and all of our belongs were packed tight in a moving van in front of the house . It was time to say our good - byes and be on our way . The house was full with family and friends and many hugs , I love you and good lucks were being tossed around , but Parley was nowhere in the mix of things . She hadn 't liked the torture of the other school kids , but she didn 't want to move . She didn 't want to leave her brothers , nieces but most importantly she didn 't want to leave Midori . " There you are . " She wiped away tears as he took her hand . " Come on we need to get you back to say your good - bye 's . " He tried to lead her back but she pulled against him forcing him to stop . She just stared at him . He moved closer to her and brushed her cheek with his hand . " It will be okay . There 's skype , email and texting I will always be there for you Par . " " You 're going to forget all about me when I leave . You are going to find some pretty , normal girl and fall madly in love and I will be but a memory . " Parley sobbed against Midori 's back . Midori slowly turned around and looked her in her eyes . " You 're such a silly girl . Do you know that ? Did I let the fact that you found me annoying stop me from getting to know you ? No ! I 'm not about to let distance stop us from knowing each other . So stop being silly and get in the house and say good - bye to your family . " There has been a lot of change in my life since you three moved to Appaloosa Plains and it is so hard to know where to start . Soon after your move Jade found out she was pregnant . It came as a huge shock to as all for part of our arrangement was to be careful and I mean it when I say we were . We had a family meeting about it and it was decided that nothing had really changed and we would raise the baby together . Yes the three of us . There are all kinds of families out there so why not create our own unique family . As long as the baby was raised in love what makes the difference , right ? Other than being pregnant Jade is doing well with her flower shop . She is booking a lot of weddings and other formal events . Bluebell is also doing well with her job . She got a promotion at her office and she is in charge of her own department . Work for me is going about the same as when you left . I 'm getting regular articles now , but it is still hard to become something when the town you live in still talks about the past and what they believe to be the truth . Until next time family be well . Love Pax , Bluebell and Jade Dearest Family , Since my last letter my life has been turned upside down . As you know when Antoine was born the four of us lived in harmony for a short time , but I found myself spending more time with Jade and Antoine and deep inside I started to have stronger feelings for her then Bluebell but I never let that on . I couldn 't do that to Bluebell , but she was no dummy and she could see and felt the shift in our family . One morning I went to her bedroom to spend some time with her and she was gone . All her belongings has been removed and she had left a letter telling me how much she loved me but she couldn 't be a third , or in our case fourth , wheel anymore . She wished me a good life . I had tried to get a hold of her and she wouldn 't take my calls . Finally her family told me she left Riverview . It broke my heart to lose another person I loved , but I knew it was for the best . As for Jade , Antoine and I we are one happy little family . Jade and I married in a small private wedding as Antoine stood by as witness . Jade 's flower shop is doing wonderful and I finally got my own column . Riverview has pretty much forgotten about Octavia , but from time to time you will hear her mentioned . Until next time family be happy You are all really missed here in Riverview and I hope Appaloosa Plains is treating you well . Margo and I are doing well and are very happy together . Many still try to convince us we should get married , but why fix what isn 't broken . She and I are on the same page about marriage and we don 't find it necessary to be happy . Margo is content to being an at home mom to our boys Gary and Grant . Once they start school she will go back to her decorating business , and I am doing well in the medical track . Miss and Love you all Yes it is me Porter . This is me all grown up . Yeah yeah I know I still look like a punk . LOL So after I became an adult I did what everyone expected me to do . I married the woman of my dreams Firefly Tuesday . I counted my savings and booked tickets to Simvegas . I marched right over to her house and the look of shock on her face was priceless . She didn 't know what to say to my new - found age . I grabbed her hand and began to drag her to my car , it is a good thing I had made arrangements with her mom to watch the girls . Our wedding was fast and long overdue , but in our mind it was perfect . We were able to spend three days there just being with each other . No judgment and no kids and then it was back home to be with our girls and to find a place to live . When we got back to her house we found all of Oodee 's stuff packed and she handed me the deed to the farmhouse . She told us this was her wedding gift to us and she wanted us to be happy . She had already rented a little house on the edge of town and after we spent some time with her I helped her move to her new home . She has been very happy there since and she comes over all the time and we are always glad to see her . So there you go Porter Slughorn , the town screw - up , is a married man . One who is committed to his family and so happy that his life worked out . Love Porter , Firefly , Robin and Ana Ana and Robin are so grown up . They are both in ballet , but Ana also takes girl scouts . They both miss you all greatly and send their love . The Quads , Jefferson , Theresa , Jamil and Freddy are now toddlers . They keep Firefly and I very busy and we are always tired , but we wouldn 't change our life for anything . Theresa copies her big sisters when they practice their ballet and we know she will have to be enrolled soon . The boys are just rambunctious little boys always getting into things and are curious about everything . We hope this email finds you all well It was a long trip to A . P . and by the time we arrived Parley had convinced herself that Midori would forget all about her and that he would break her heart more than it was already broken so to protect herself she cut ties with him . She wouldn 't answer his emails , phone calls and other social media attempts to contact her . Only through me was he able to keep tabs on her and during our discussions you could tell he wasn 't liking how things were going . Slowly , without real friends she became distant , sarcastic , and snarky . She kept to herself most of the time she is held up in her room drawing . Luckily she was maintaining good grades in school so there was a positive . My dad has still been shut off to us . He still does his fishing for money , but he forgets to take them to the market and I have to do that for him most of the time so we can maintain our bills and buy food . I fear I may have to get a part - time job to help supplement the money he isn 't making because lately his catches have been small . I 'm not sure if it is from lack of trying or lack of fish . He does have good days , but more bad than good . As for me I spend most of my days caring for my family , making sure I do well in school and hanging out with my best friend , Cherry , who is a dog . I found Cherry about a year after we moved to A . P . She was raiding a tipped over garbage can and she was dirty and full of fleas . There was just something in her sweet eyes and I just couldn 't walk away from her . After a lot of coaxing she finally allowed me to approach her . I found a tag on her beat - up collar that had a phone number on it . I took her home , gave her some food and a bath and brushed her fluffy fur . She was so grateful that she rested her head on my knee and looked up at me with those eyes of her 's and I was in love . I almost didn 't call the number because I already couldn 't bear the thought of having to return her to her owner . I did the right thing and sometimes doing the right thing pays off . When the person on the other end picked up I was surprised by who the number belonged too . It was famous Baby Challenge Mom Becks Best . I told her I had her dog and she was so relieved . She explained that she was in the process of moving and in between packing , keeping track of her kids and the litter of puppies Cherry Tree must have got out but she was really shocked that she had made it all the way to Appaloosa Plains . She also explained that she was unable to keep the litter and had to find a new home for Cherry . When she said that I asked her how much she wanted for her because I just knew in my heart that Cherry belonged with me . Becks seemed to contemplate it for a moment and said , " I can hear in your voice that you have taken a fancy to little Miss . Cherry . She is already in your home and you were kind enough to take her in and care for her and to call me so I would like you to have her . She is my gift to you Pello Slughorn . " I was shocked and very grateful . We ended the call with an agreement that I would give her updates on Cherry 's life . So that is the life of the Slughorn 's over the past few years . Tomorrow is Parley 's thirteenth birthday . This should be oh so interesting . Let the games begin . Her name was Firefly . Firefly Tuesday and from the moment he saw her from across the park Porter Slughorn knew he had to meet her . As the next few days passed into weeks he could not stop thinking about the blue haired , red skinned girl . He had to find out who she was and where she lived . Even though he was a child he knew what he wanted and this time he wanted to talk to her , to meet her . Every day after school he would go to various places to see if she was there . He would stay at his destination till curfew , even doing his homework there . He knew that the gal was a teenager so he tried to ask Pax about her without making anything to obvious , but his brother was pretty clueless and was no help in locating her . Then finally his luck changed one day while he was at the gardens . He spotted her sitting alone on a bench . He couldn 't believe that a girl like that was alone . He mustered up the courage and took a seat next to her . Porter did not let that discourage him . When he got home that night he googled her , what he learned made him want to get to know her better . She had a blog journal online and he spent the rest of the night reading it . He learned that she had moved from Sim Angeles after her dad died , her mom Oodee could not bear the noise and the stress . They had bought a small farmhouse in Riverview , and after reading the description of their new home Porter 's jaw dropped . The house they lived in was Kyle 's old house , the people who bought it from Kyle sold it to the Tuesday 's and this girl live right next store . He couldn 't understand how this had escaped him . He also learned that this girl was a talented writer . She had several deep , passionate pomes on her blog and he loved them all . Day after day he would find out where she went after school and followed her . He attempted small talk and everyday she would ignore him or leave , but one day , out of loneliness , she decided to engage in a conversation with him . She started off with kids stuff , but he soon changed their conversation to arts and literature . She was very impressed with is knowledge of great poets that soon she forgot about their age gap . Octavia and Kyle were settling into married life quite easily . The boys , well minute Porter , were loving calling him dad and seeing their mom happy . They knew they didn 't have to call him dad , but both boys chose to . They enjoyed having a man in the house who took an interest in what they thought and did . Octavia was very worried about Porter and all the time he was spending away from home and how distant he was getting from her and his brother 's , but Kyle told her that he needed space . He explained that sometimes young boys just need time to figure things out and it was best to give him that time and space and not to smother him . She decided to listen to Kyle 's advice and see what happened . Percy was a loner and even though he loved his mother and brothers he did prefer to spend a lot of time alone . He would spend hours with his blocks building grand buildings and then tearing them down . Octavia would watch him from the playroom doorway as she fantasized that he would be a great architect someday . When this young man wasn 't playing with this blocks he was playing wish this imaginary friend Snuggles . Octavia was worried about that , but she had read that many children had them and eventually they would outgrow it , so she kept a very close eye on her little boy . Then the family got some great news . Octavia was expecting . Everyone was thrilled that there would be a new addition to the Slughorn Clan and secretly Octavia hoped for a girl . Being that she has only boy 's she was confident that there was a good choice among them , and even though Porter refused to take the Slughorn name she could not bear to leave him out so he was among the choices . This made things a little weird between her and Kyle since Porter was the clone of her ex . After their first real fight they came to a decision that Kyle would have a clone made and he would be in the running as well . Kyle rushed her to the hospital where she gave birth to their daughter Parley , English meaning Trader , Slughorn . However , she was born a little underweight and Octavia had some excessive bleeding so instead of the normal two day stay the two Slughorn women had a week stay the local hospital . Both , turned out to be fine , but when they were released Kyle didn 't take them home . Instead they were taken to the local hotel where Kyle and the boys had been staying . Octavia 's aunt had scheduled a remodel to the house long before she passed and she had planned it for now . The renovation had already been paid for and when Kyle asked for some of the plans to be modified for children they told him it would be no problem , but it would take a couple weeks extra . Her little friend the Gnome was there to greet her as well . Looking upon his aged face made her sad , but once he jumped on top of his cane she couldn 't help but smile . As she stepped into her new home she couldn 't help but think of aging and how said that thought was . Have a pool at home was exciting for Pax . Most weekends he would invite Bluebell over and a few other friends from school and they would swim and have fun , and if they weren 't at the Slughorn 's then they could be found at the rec - center . The two were growing quite close and Octavia approved of Bluebell very much . She was a wonderfully polite Sim and she could see the adoration for her son in her eyes . Porter and Firefly spent more and more time together . With all the commotion surrounding Parley 's birth she had forgotten the conversation she had overheard and she didn 't talk to Porter about it . Porter and Percy were in scouts after school and she loved showing Firefly how to salute and tie knots and most of all he loved showering her with gifts . He would pick flowers for her from the gardens and he would make her homemade gifts . The two got many disapproving stares when they were out together especially when people would catch the two of them hugging or holding hands . Even though nothing more than occasional handholding and hugging happened poor Firefly got a lot of grief at about it at school . She already had not friends her own age and this made things worse . For once even Pax wasn 't clueless to what was going on and told her to back off from his little brother , but no matter how hard she tried she was drawn to Porter 's company . She enjoyed spending time with him . Pello wasn 't a loner like Percy , but he did enjoy the great outdoors and from the time school let you till he had to be home for dinner he would go fishing or hiking . His brothers didn 't enjoy the outdoors like he did so many times he found himself alone . He really needed to make some friends at school . Porter invited Firefly over for Parley 's party . This was the first time he had allowed any of his family to meet her . He was apprehensive , but the two stayed away from the party and spent time on the Simbox in the living room . Octavia wasn 't very happy to see that Porter 's friend , the one he talked about often , was about 4 years older than he was . When she expressed this to Kyle he told her that it was innocent and to not get involved . She was beginning to wonder about his parenting skills , but she took his advice and didn 't say anything . That night Porter walked Firefly to the mail box and as she bent down to hug him Porter pressed his lips to hers . This surprised her and she pulled away from him quickly to see a huge smile on his face . She didn 't know what do or what to say so she bid him goodnight and then all but ran home , up the stairs to her room and threw herself on the bed tears instantly soaked the pillow . Porter got into Pello 's face and raised his fist , " You say anything and I will pound you . " He shoves Pello out of his way and headed upstairs . He was going to go and see if Firefly has written anything about their amazing kiss on her blog . Little Parley had her dad wrapped around her little finger , and he loved being a stay at home dad . He was a registered fisherman with Riverview , but since the birth of Parley he didn 't spend much time fishing . He taught her how to walk and she adored him just as much as he did her . Octavia got the unpleasant job of teaching her how to talk . All the little girl wanted to do was hum and sing . Eventually she got it , but it took quite a long time . Kyle and Octavia talked about having more children and they tried and tried with no results . Octavia went in for a checkup and after several tests she found out that she could not have any more children . The excessive bleeding she had with Parley was a symptom of something bigger , but something treatable . She had another visit to the hospital but in the end she was just fine , but could not having any more kids . This news devastated her but Kyle assured her over and over that he was happy with their 4 boys and their baby girl . It took her a long time but finally Octavia came around and started to act like her old self again . And then it was time for another birthday . Percy was about to embark on teenhood . The usual suspects were invited and the festivities started . Everyone had a grand time and as Percy blew out the candles the guests cheered for him . He was attached to Parley when he was a child and that didn 't stop as a teen . He would spend hours with her , chatting and playing with her and he would listen to her childish secrets and pretend they were real . He was a great big brother and unlike the other two he was not wrapped up in his own life to take time for Parley . Porter was right behind Percy , but he opted not to have a big party . Besides there was only one person that he wanted there and she had been avoiding him . After he aged up he called her up and for once she actually answered . " Shit . " She muttered . She hadn 't looked at the caller id and she regretted answering , but his voice sounded a little different and she was curious . " You sound different . " " Hi Firefly I 'm so glad you came . I wanted you to be the first one to see me as a teen . I wanted to tell you that now we can be together . " He could not control his excitement and he reached up to stroke her pink cheek but she quickly pushed his hand away . " We have tonight then . " He tried to take her hands , but she pulled them away . " Fine tell me you don 't want to be with me and I will walk away . " Firefly couldn 't resist him any longer . She knew she was in love with this boy even though it was so very wrong , but for one night they would get no judgment , and she was going to allow herself one night of happiness . She hugged tight to his shoulders not wanting to ever let go . He finally pulled away so they could share their first real kiss . That kiss ignited something deep within both of them and they couldn 't hold back any longer . He led her behind a grove of fir trees for privacy where their kissing became more intense and passionate . Soon they both fell to the ground and as the rain pelted Porter 's back the two consummated their love for one another . He walked her home afterwards . He with her arm around her waist and she pushing close to his side , neither of them uttered a word knowing that what they just experienced with one another could possibly be their last . They were both past curfew and neither of them cared . Firefly knew her mother was still lost in her grief for her dad and never knew what was going on with her daughter and Porter had told Octavia that he was spending the night at Danger 's . The separation was killing him . All he could think about was the feel of her skin and the taste of her lips . He didn 't understand why she wouldn 't at least talk to him . He tried keeping himself busy by working out and it help some , but nothing could keep his mind from her . A month after there one night Porter got a text at 1a . m . from Firefly : I need to see you . It is killing me to be so far away from you . Meet me out back of your house . Porter quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a shirt and headed quietly outside . The two climbed up into the tree house with intension of just talking but one thing lead to another and hands began to roam . Octavia got up to get a drink of water and she heard a commotion coming from the back yard . She grabbed a flashlight and went to check it out . Seeing a grown half naked woman atop her teenage son made Octavia feel sick and standing there she couldn 't help but think that Kyle had been wrong all these years . She should have been more attentive . She should have squashed their friendship when she thought she should and all she didn 't do has lead to this . " I don 't want to hear it . Get out of here and you young man . You are grounded indefinitely . Now march your little ass up to your room . " Octavia grabbed his elbow . " I have had enough of your attitude Mr . I am your mother and I have been lenient with you because of the circumstances , but no longer . I love you and I am going to allow you to ruin your life like this . Now get up to your room . " The next morning Kyle and Octavia got into the worst argument of their marriage . When she told Kyle what she had happened he tried to laugh it off and said , " He is a teenage boy with teenage hormones . Firefly is a very pretty girl and just is just barely a Young Adult . He has had a crush on her since he was young it was bound to happen . " Octavia couldn 't believe her ears . The argument lasted for several weeks resulting in them sleeping in different rooms . The turnaround point was when Kyle over heard the conversation between Danger and Octavia in regards to the matter . Danger was boasting about how proud he was of his son and felt that a punishment at all was unnecessary . Octavia hung up the phone in tears feeling that she was being labeled the bad guy in Porter 's life . Kyle came up behind her and took her into a loving embrace . That night they had a great talk about the children and decided that they would always be a united front in regards to them . After that incident Firefly really cut Porter out of her life . She would not return his calls , texts , emails or IM 's . She couldn 't believe that she had done such a horrendous thing . She was embarrassed and needed to get on with her life . She didn 't quite understand it . Well it was more like she didn 't want what she heard to be true . " I 'm sorry . What was that ? " Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . " ~ Lotus EverglowThe Falling Skies Blog and the Road Less TraveledFalling Skies News , Episode Reviews , Character Reviews and Canadian and Independent Film New and InterviewsThe inside storyThis WordPress . com site is the cat 's pajamasTV AddictWatching just about everythingMadeline Lemi - Generation 3To live is like to love - - all reason is against it , and all healthy instinct for it - Samuel ButlerOur ImperfectionsOne Mother 's Journey to SuccessA Berry Crazy ISBIStyxLady 's " I 'm Surrounded By Idiots " Challenge Attempt |
Karen was crouched in a ball on the floor with her hands clamped over her eyes . She had resisted all attempts to make her interact with the others . She moved her left hand away from her eyes and down toward her pocket . Her other hand remained firmly in place over her right eye . Her left eye flicked open and she took in the room . She was alone . She could hear the sounds of others behind her . Her left hand snaked back up from her pocket , but now it held a precious cargo . She brought it level with her face , but rested it on the floor . She could feel the prickly carpet on her palm . Her left hand joined the right and she began to crawl slowly forward . So slowly , that a casual observer might not have realised she was moving at all . Armed with her cargo , she sprang to her feet . Her hand darted around the wall in a complex pattern of lines . Between Karen and wall , a piece of chalk betrayed the path her hand had taken across the pale green paintwork . ' Go ! Go ! Go ! ' shouted the captain without taking her eyes of the clock . Someone opened the back doors of the van and the platoon scrambled out . Seconds later the doors slammed shut . The driver opened his door and leapt out . He reached under his seat for a firearm and assumed his position to stand guard over the vehicle . In the darkness , he could see the others clustering around the rear of the van . Someone knocked on the doors . This was not the plan . The driver knew something had gone wrong . He looked to the captain . She was still sat in the passenger seat , but with her head in her hands . She nodded feebly . He raised his gun and walked almost sideways around the van with his back clinging to it . Upon his arrival at the rear of the van , he saw the other five members of the group stood about awkwardly . The driver didn 't finish his sentence . For the first time , he realised that the platoon was surrounded . Not just surrounded , but outnumbered as well . There were civilians everywhere . He estimated there were maybe a hundred of them in the street . The strange thing was that none of them were even looking at the armed soldiers in the midst . They were all staring up . Joseph watched as the van 's back doors opened and some indistinct shapes clambered out . He watched as they tried and failed to clamber back in again . The passenger door opened and indistinct shape climbed out . Joseph stared , but he couldn 't distinguish where the figure was . Unexpectedly , he caught a glimpse of the shape as it passed in front of Mrs Hardacre stood on her lawn in a nightdress . Joseph only saw it briefly , but the silhouette appeared female . Harry arrived at the bottom of the ladder in darkness and felt for the narrow door . He stepped through uncertain of his footing . He could see Ivy and the light from her torch about twenty feet away , but nothing of his immediate surroundings . He walked towards the light and it became apparent that they were in a long corridor lined with doors . Ivy 's torch lit up one of the doors like a spotlight . She was staring at it , almost mesmerised . Harry looked at the door , but he wasn 't surprised to see ' Ivy ' written across it . They stood in silence . Harry put his arm around his sister 's shoulders , but she shrugged him off . Harry turned looked at his door on the opposite wall . Even in the half - light he could still read his name on the outside . He pushed on the door and it swung away from him , but it was too dark inside to recognise anything within . Ivy turned and suddenly the torch lit up the room and it sprang into life . The blue walls sang as toys and books vied for his attention . Harry stepped in and cast a dark silhouette against the far wall . He picked a toy car up off the floor and looked at it closely . She handed the wine bottle to Annabelle and turned her attention to the patio door 's lock . The plastic handle and key proved problematic . Annabelle studied the bottle with the corkscrew sticking out of it like a cross . Joseph stood at the edge of the window frame with his back flat against the wall . He reached up and slid one curtain over to the centre of the window . He crouched down and crawled under the window and repeated the process on the other side . He breathed a sigh of relief . He moved across the room to a desk and opened a drawer . He rummaged around , and after a bit more of a search than he had been expecting , retrieved a pair of binoculars . Returning to the window , he parted the curtains slightly . Holding the binoculars vertically , he poked them through the gap and peered through one of the eyepieces . It occurred to Joseph that it was a shame to have to go to these lengths not to be seen , because he thought that he probably looked pretty damn cool doing this . He 'd seen the black van park outside his house and no one had gotten out . Joseph scanned every inch of the van , but from this angle the number plate was obscured by Mrs Parker 's dustbin . Nor could he make out any other distinguishing marks . Well , not that the van wasn 't distinguished enough . How many black vans with blacked out windows could there be on Britain 's roads ? Joseph stared intently at the tinted windows hoping to make out some shape beyond , but to no avail . It was still light out . He decided he 'd try again when it was dark . Maybe whoever was inside would turn a light on and he 'd be able to see something . The inside of the van was still . The driver looked in the rear view mirror again . Everybody was avoiding his gaze . Nobody spoke . Everyone inside was tooled up and ready to go , but the order hadn 't come . The captain simply sat and stared at the clock on the dashboard . Gloria poured two glasses of wine and placed a mug of water in front of Annabelle . Emma and Gloria began to talk as if she wasn 't there . This was more like old times . Her questions seemed to spark an interest in her sisters and their conversation grew quite animated . They talked about what they might do to discover names and facts about their parents . Gloria suggested that there must be a paper trail to follow , which Annabelle didn 't really understand . Her sisters discussed going to the facility and searching for dusty filing cabinets by torchlight . They laughed and grew louder . Annabelle didn 't know why it was so funny . The beam of the torch cut a swathe through the darkness . Ivy moved from room to room , often leaving Harry behind . He would usually catch up and become fascinated in some detail , just as Ivy moved off again . She rounded a corner and shone the torchlight on the end of a corridor that lay ahead . There were three doors . The door at the far end was metallic and she recognised it instantly as the lift that ran through the centre of the facility . To the right of the door was a panel with a single button on it marked " Press To Call " . Ivy pressed the button . Nothing happened . Ivy turned around and pointed the torch towards her brother . The other two doors each bore signs . Harry looked at Ivy and for a moment he was certain they were thinking the same thing . As one they both said ' Ah ' and shared a knowing look . They both read aloud the sign on a door , but sadly , they were each reading from different doors . Harry opened the Records Room door and said ' Well , we can find out all those . . . ' He stopped talking . He had been plunged into darkness . Ivy had gone . He sagged and pulled the door closed . He turned and took faltering steps toward the Emergency Stairs . He was disappointed to realise that it was actually a ladder . He could see the light from Ivy 's torch flicking around as she climbed down . He sighed and began to climb after her . Elsewhere , the darkness was interrupted by a streak of light as the meteorite came as close as to Earth as it ever would . Across the surface of the planet , millions of people prepared to watch something spectacular . They would not be disappointed . Ivy pushed the heavy door with her foot . It was unlocked and swung open easily on its hinges . She remained outside with her hands buried deep in the pockets of her overcoat . She gave it another push and leaned in to take a closer look . There was nobody inside . Her eye was drawn to the pattern of black dots that ran up one cream - coloured wall . Ivy crept back through the door and was unsure what to do next . She heard a splash . Someone was coming . She shrank back into the hedgerow as far as she could to avoid being seen . Harry tromped down the track and began to see the rocky mountainside among the greenery ahead . A large puddle lay in his way . He looked down at his shoes and sighed . He could have planned this better . He tried to find the narrowest part of the puddle to make his crossing , but had to resort to stepping right in the middle of it . His foot disappeared beneath the surface of the water . He could feel his sock getting wet and pictured a pristine pair of walking boots that purported to be waterproof in the cupboard under the stairs at home . He stepped on dry land with his left foot and pulled his right out , soaking wet trainer and all . As he walked the next few steps he grew accustomed to a wet flopping noise that his right shoe had acquired . He sighed again . ' Onward . ' she said , and they headed into the facility . After a couple of wrong turns , the driver of the black van had successfully navigated country roads and housing estate alike . He parked the van opposite a house . The captain had barked a series of orders and then added the caveat that nobody was permitted to leave the van until after dark . When no - one moved she offered to repeat her orders . The rear compartment of the van was suddenly thrown into chaos as five people attempted to ready apparatus , put away maps and load firearms . This would be difficult enough in a confined space , but was made all more impossible in the half - light provided by the tinted windows and while dressed all in black . The captain turned to the driver and he sat to attention . She commended him on his driving and how he handled the shortcomings of his fellow officers . He was extraordinarily embarrassed . She went on to instruct him , in no uncertain terms , to relax and let the others get on with their tasks . His eyes darted up to the rear - view mirror and even in the dimness he could see the bitter expressions on their faces . He was in agony . Annabelle 's attention alternated between Gloria and Emma as her sisters attempted to explain their family 's convoluted family tree . They had different opinions of which parts were important and kept getting bogged down in what Annabelle thought was gossip . Emma said something that made Gloria laugh uncontrollably . Gloria and Emma stopped talking and looked her at her . They looked at each other and both attempted an explanation . Upon hearing the other speak they both stopped and politely offered to let the other one do the talking . ' We don 't . We don 't know who any of our mothers were . Aside from little things we don 't know very much at all . ' ' Well , my mother must have been black ' said Gloria pinching the skin on her arm . She reached out to Annabelle 's arm and stroked it . ' And your mother must have been white . ' Harry hung up the phone . Uncertain what to do , he picked the sponge up off the floor . If he was quick he could follow the van , but then what ? He wandered back to his car and put the sponge into a nearby orange bucket . He opened the car door , but didn 't get in . Instead , Harry stood staring down at the water running off the car 's bonnet , dripping onto the ground and forming a soapy puddle . He looked over at the empty road that the van had taken and then up at the mountain that loomed over the village . He climbed into the car and drove in the same direction as the van , but Harry wasn 't trying to follow them . He was going back . The orange bucket awaited his return . The black van thundered down narrow meandering country roads . Huge hedgerows loomed over it from either side . The driver was uncomfortable . He didn 't usually have to struggle to keep his eyes on the road , but then the captain didn 't usually sit in the passenger seat next to him . It was rare that she would ride with the rest of them at all . He could see her out of the corner of his eye and it was niggling at him . He was relieved when she said ' Sergeant ? ' The fork in question was almost upon them . The driver began to slow down hoping to give the sergeant more time . It felt like an eternity before he finally said ' Right ! ' The school bell rang and Frank headed to his office to change out of his overalls . He waded through children intent on heading in the opposite direction . There was a smattering of parents in the hallways as well and he went through a familiar routine with each of them . They all initially smiled . Then the smile would fade as they saw his overalls and whatever tool he happened to be carrying today . Finally they would shore up the smile again out of the sense of guilt . He saw this played out at the end of every day . Normally he could take his time getting ready to go home and allow the corridors to quieten down , but not today . Today , he had somewhere to be . The road snaked up the side of the mountain and grew steeper the farther he went . The trees thickened and more frequent , almost blotting out the sky . Suddenly he took a sharp turn to the right into a small overgrown track and stopped the car . Harry got out of the car and headed down the track . He could hear birdsong . He was surrounded by greenery and nature . He rounded a bend and the image of Eden was rudely interrupted by a military facility pretending that it didn 't exist . Emma and Gloria exchanged looks . Gloria guided Annabelle over to a chair and sat opposite her . She took a deep breath . ' Annabelle , I thought you knew . ' ' Well , now it sounds like they 're dead . ' said Emma . Annabelle gasped and she immediately felt guilty . ' Oh , they 're not dead . ' ' What do we know ? ' Annabelle asked looking down at the fruit . It occurred to her that none of the apples had little green leaves on . Apples in storybooks always had little green leaves on . ' There are twenty - six of us . ' Gloria tried again . ' Twenty - six brothers and sisters , and we all have different mothers . Twenty - six mothers , but we all share one father . ' Gloria slept . The doorbell rang and she groped for the sleep button of her alarm clock . The doorbell rang again and once more she reached for a button to turn it off . As her searching fingers ventured across her bedside table , they knocked a glass of water to the floor . Now she was well and truly awake . The doorbell rang a third time and realising her mistake , Gloria clambered out of bed . She stood in the middle of the puddle as she pulled her dressing gown off a nearby chair . She struggled into it as she headed to the front door . Miles away , a man washing his car watched as the black uniformed platoon silently , although not subtly , marched through the village . They rounded the corner and filed out of sight . Abandoning his car in favour of his curiosity , he started after them with his sponge still in hand . One by one , they were climbing into a van parked under a lamppost . It was a black van with black tinted windows . As soon as the last member of the platoon was inside the van , the two passengers sat nearest to the rear doors , pulled them closed and they drove away at high speed . The van turned right around and began driving back toward the onlooker . The front windscreen was also blacked out . He wondered if that was legal . The van sped up and was bearing down on him . He dropped the sponge and threw himself out of the path of the van . It rocketed passed him through the village square . He picked himself up off the ground and watch the van disappear out of sight . He looked down at the sponge . There was a muddy tire track running straight over it . Reaching into his pocket , he pulled out his mobile phone and dialled a number . He waited until someone picked up and said ' Hello , it 's Harry . We may have a problem . ' Annabelle and Emma sat in Gloria 's kitchen while she changed . They sat in silence . Emma looked at her sister . Starved of human contact , she would have expected Annabelle to want to do all the talking , but she seemed very comfortable with silence . For Emma , the wait was torture . Eventually Gloria bustled in looking more than a little flustered . Emma immediately felt better and said ' I 'm so sorry we woke you . ' Gloria stepped in front of Annabelle who craned to look over her shoulder . Gloria hugged her and stepped back holding her by the arms . She realised that she didn 't have Annabelle 's full attention . She turned to see that her sister was staring through the patio doors at a cat in the garden . Annabelle 's face was close enough to the door that her breath misted up the glass , momentarily obscuring her view of the cat . She panicked and lost her balance , bumping into the glass . There was no pain , but plenty of surprise . The cat was startled and stopped in its tracks . It stared briefly at Annabelle and fled the garden . Frank bounded up the steps and into the school as he did every day . He was smartly dressed with a tie and shoes so shiny his brother had joked that you could see the future in them . He left his identity at the door . Outside he was Frank , but in here he was Mr Jenkins . To tell the truth he would probably be Frank in the staffroom , but he never went in there . He glanced up at a clock and reflected that in mere minutes , a tide of children would wash down these corridors . Some would sink , some would swim and some would remain continually adrift . He would have extended his metaphor further , but he had arrived . Not at a classroom as such , although he was sure you could learn a few things in here . He envied the members of staff that worked in classrooms surrounded by the sugar paper covered wall displays . He opened the door and entered . He closed the door behind him and flicked on a lurid orange lamp . He got changed out of his smart clothes and into a set of overalls . He heard children 's voices outside . In a little while he would hear the bell , followed by the frenzied running of a latecomer . The faces changed , but the children seemed to stay the same . He had a theory the every school had the same ratio of late children , bright children , naughty children , lazy children , smelly children , class clowns , bullies and bullied . If a bully left the school and the balance was disturbed , then the ratio would make another child sufficiently cruel to replace them . The natural order would be restored . Frank positioned a bucket with wheels under a tap next to the sink , filled it with water and squirted something hygienic , yet noxious , into it . He wheeled the bucket over to the door and planted the mop firmly inside . He gripped the handle of the mop , opened the door and walked out pulling it behind him . The children were in their classrooms and the spaces in between were all his . He mimed punting down the corridor and danced back again with his mop as his partner . Frank cleaned the school in half the time expected of him and spent the rest of his day listening . He wasn 't proud of his eavesdropping , but because it wasn 't gossip he was interested in , his conscience was clear . In reality , Frank had learnt a great deal whilst listening to lessons aimed at five to eleven year olds . The children were all talking about the meteorite currently flying by . Mrs Cartwright had realised that she wouldn 't get anything else out of them and changed the lesson accordingly . Frank polished the coat pegs and dusted the light fitting outside the classroom as he listened to her talk about some basic astronomy . Frank 's mobile phone vibrated in his pocket . He rushed to the door to the outside world and rummaged around for the phone . The phone display read EMMA CALLING . Frank hung up . He was immediately ashamed of himself . The phone vibrated again . He checked and it was EMMA CALLING again . He answered and instead said ' Hello Annabelle . ' ' Very well . ' and with that she was gone . The car washer was taken aback . He didn 't see her leave . His attention had wavered , but she couldn 't have just vanished , could she ? He walked away from the car to see if he could catch a glimpse of her down a side street . He saw nothing and returned to the car . Emma was running late . Her hair was wet and for a moment she thought she had her pullover on backwards . She didn 't , but these were valuable seconds she was wasting . She plucked her car keys and house keys out of the bowl by the door and hurried outside . She had one set of keys in her hand and the other between her teeth . She unlocked the car and got in . There was something she 'd forgotten . She looked over at her house and the front door was still wide open . She groaned , got out and walked back to her front door . She tried to lock it , but the key wouldn 't fit . She looked down at her hand and after a moment of disbelief she realized she was trying to use her car keys in her front door . Emma screamed in frustration , but with teeth clenched to keep her keys in she made a very odd sound indeed . She tried to swap the sets of keys over , but one fell from her grasp and hit the ground . Emma sighed . Her frustration had gone beyond a scream . She picked the house keys up off the floor and locked the front door before rushing back to her car and getting in ' Never mind , I 'm just glad you 're out . ' Emma switched the engine off , turned to face her sister and continued . ' So the experiment is over . You must be the last one . ' ' Yeah . ' , she turned back to face the front . Emma was knackered and the day hadn 't even begun . She pulled her sleeve up to look at her watch . She was late and getting later . ' Do you want to come in ? I think I ought to call in sick . ' Light filtered through the gaps in the pub 's thick curtains . It made fascinating patterns as it shone through bottles on tables . No one in the pub was particularly interested in refraction . Instead they were all trying to pretend that their heads didn 't feel too small for their cargo . Each of the benches against the walls bore a prone figure in black . Annabelle sat with Emma in her kitchen as her sister lied to someone on the telephone . She was working her way through a bowl of corn flakes , although couldn 't understand what she was supposed to do with the bottle of milk Emma had given her . Emma made her apologies and hung up . Annabelle asked a question , but the words were lost in a mouthful of dry cereal . Emma asked her to repeat herself as she poured some water in the kettle and switched it on . She opened the bottle of milk , drizzled some over Annabelle 's corn flakes and buried a spoon in it . The answer wasn 't what Annabelle was expecting , instead Emma said , ' I 'm so proud of you . It was always easier for the rest of us . We had each other , but you were always separate . ' ' I knew you were out . Just like I knew you were nearby . Of course , I didn 't realise just how nearby , but you were always good at hide and seek . ' ' Alright , alright ' , Emma relented ' the facility was set up to do experiments . Well , one experiment in particular . There were twenty - six children , but only one experiment . You were separated out . I can 't remember how old we all were . ' ' You could . ' said Emma as she poured herself a cup of tea . ' Well , the scientists were doing a series of tests on us , but over the years they lost interest . ' Emma looked out through the kitchen window at the tree being buffeted in the wind and said . ' I don 't know , loss of funding , bad results , maybe . The up side was that they started to let us go . Did they ever tell you anything ? ' ' I 'll bet . Well one by one we would leave . Nathan was first . One day , he was just gone . We all wanted to know what had happened to him and they said he 'd gone to a better place . We panicked . We thought he 'd died . Then they panicked and told us , he 'd gone out through the door at the end of the corridor . You know the one I mean . ' She looked to her sister and added ' of course , you do . ' ' The tests stopped . Maybe they 'd proven or disproven whatever it was they wanted . As the years went by there were fewer and fewer of us . When it was my turn , I left three of them behind . ' ' Yes . The strange thing is that we all did what you 're doing now . We all went in search of the others . ' Annabelle wondered if doing this was her choice or someone else 's . Emma pointed at the left temple and said ' something buried in here means I know where the rest of you are all the time . You can feel it too , can 't you ? ' ' It used to drive me crazy , but I 've learned to take comfort from it . So anyway , I went to see Nathan and Rebecca and the others . Nathan sold me that car , that 's what he does . He sells used cars . I had hoped that we 'd all see more of each other , but we don 't really keep in touch . Well unless you count . ' Daniel sat in the pub with his back to the door . He was nursing a pint . Someone sat down next to him . He drained his glass and caught the barman 's eye . Daniel turned to look at Annabelle for the first time . She was perched uncertainly on the edge of the barstool . Her eyes scanned the various bottles stood against the back wall . She pointed at an intimidating looking green liqueur . Daniel caught the barman 's eye again and said ' Orange juice it is . ' She regretted it almost immediately . He smelt bad . Annabelle didn 't want to make him feel bad so she stayed where she was . She looked down at his clothes . She could see the remnants of spillage from an earlier meal . ' … Astronomers assure us that it will not hit the Earth . It is believed that this meteorite could be almost twice the size of that which caused the extinction of the dinosaurs . A sobering thought for stargazers . ' ' That 's not what I meant . ' said Annabelle . Annabelle sat with Daniel in the bar for a couple of hours . They talked and drank sparingly , before she got up to leave . Daniel tried to convince her to stay , but she was adamant . They said their goodbyes and Daniel told her that they ' should do this again sometime ' , but he was vague on detail when she pressed him . She lingered in the doorway and then walked out into the night . As the barman called Last Orders , six people filed in . The new clientele were dressed all in black and appeared very conspicuous . One of them was very muddy . The small pub suddenly seemed very busy to Daniel . The muddy one limped over to the bar and ordered several drinks as the others stowed various cases and equipment under the tables . The barman worked quickly to pour the drinks and the muddy one paid him . Charlotte replaced a freshly plumped cushion back on the sofa as she glanced through the window . There was nothing there yet . She straightened the large book on the coffee table so that it covered a newspaper and in her head she counted through the jobs she had left to do . She moved from the lounge into the hallway and picked up a large heavy cardboard box of assorted detritus . She moved towards another door and sat awkwardly on the handle until it popped open . ' Why not ? ' he asked as he teetered precariously . Jeff remained in this position as he listened to her answer . He began to regret this decision as the reply went on longer than he expected , but he was a stubborn man so he persisted . ' We 're expecting a guest and it would be nice if just for once we could pretend that we live in a neat and tidy house that doesn 't look like a pig sty . I 've put all the things you had laying around in the spare room . You don 't need them now , do you ? ' it was clear to both of them that she didn 't expect an answer . ' There 's no need for her to go in the spare room ' , she continued , ' unless she wants to stay the night . Oh God , we don 't want that . OK , don 't offer and hope she doesn 't ask ' . ' No , no . Come round to the side . I 'll open the door for you . ' Charlotte said with obvious embarrassment , before she hurried out of the room . Annabelle didn 't stay long . Neither Charlotte nor Jeff knew how long she had been stood at the window , but they both presumed she had heard everything . Annabelle hadn 't asked to stay the night , but Charlotte suggested it if only to assuage her guilt and give the impression that she and her husband had been talking about someone else . Annabelle declined , but did take Charlotte up on the offer of some shoes and socks . Jeff had met two of her sisters , Emma and Karen . He couldn 't remember which was which , but one of them had come to the wedding . He hadn 't taken much time to get to know them , but they both seemed well adjusted . He 'd found Annabelle very odd company . She was clearly very intelligent , but naïve . Jeff had liked her , but he wasn 't sure why . He pulled himself out of his armchair to go and liberate his belongings from the spare room . As Jeff left the room he shook his head and said ' well I wasn 't expecting surprises like this after twelve years of marriage . ' The platoon had made their way down the mountain and combed the forest for clues . They found nothing . A report came through of a young woman in a white dress seen walking toward the church in nearby Peckford . After dark , seven figures , dressed all in black and armed to the teeth , stalked their way through the village square and on to the church . Another thorough search revealed nothing . The platoon 's captain was leaning against a gravestone with her arms crossed . The sergeant sidled over and broke the news to her . She remained calm and simply said ' Find something . ' She moved to go . The Sergeant stepped backwards to allow her to pass and vanished . She looked into the darkness . There was no sign of him . The black camouflage they wore wasn 't that good , she thought . She flicked her torch on and scanned the graveyard . There was still no sign . She looked down to see him clambering out of what appeared to be a green carpet that must have been placed over an open grave . The sergeant was dazed by the experience , but managed to report ' I have searched the hole thoroughly and she 's not in here either , sir ' before attempting a pathetic salute . Billy watched from the tree above as they found his ladder and freed the soldier that fell in Mr Moore 's grave . His eyes darted from soldier to soldier , and then again from gun to gun . Annabelle was in trouble . He was relieved that they weren 't after him , but wondered how long that would last . Billy forced his shovel into the bottom of the pit and let go . The shovel stood upright . Billy followed suit as he tried to rub an ache out of his back . He turned around and saw a pair of feet . They were filthy , bloody and level with his face . He looked up at their owner . She was a woman in her twenties in a long white dress which had seen cleaner days with sandy blonde hair resting on her shoulders . She stared at him . He stared at her . The hut was dry , but there was a funny smell that Annabelle didn 't recognise . Billy dusted off a chair and gestured to it . Annabelle looked at the chair and back at her brother blankly . He sighed and steered her into the chair . He sat down opposite her on a crate and reached into a bag . He pulled out a flask and a plastic box before setting them down on a larger crate that served as a table . Annabelle hadn 't realised how hungry she was until she read the words Vanilla Ice Cream written across the lid . She remembered having ice cream at the facility . She reached across and tore the top off , but was disappointed to see a collection of other foods but no frozen dessert . She picked up the lid again and studied the image very carefully . She put it down as Billy unscrewed the top of the flask and poured out a brown liquid . She pulled the box toward her and began to eat . " Oi , that 's my lunch " said Billy , which he instantly regretted " but I suppose you probably should have it . " He watched as she polished off sandwiches , crisps and an apple at speed . He smiled as she struggled a little with the yoghurt , but she triumphed in the end . Annabelle peered down at the box more than once in the hope there was more food . There wasn 't . They sat in silence again . Billy felt the need to end it . There was another silence , but this time it would be Annabelle that broke it . She sat back in her chair and closed her eyes . She pictured herself back at the facility in the corridor . Doors ran the length of the corridor . There were thirteen on each side all bearing names . She closed her own door and then Billy 's . Annabelle looked to her neighbour 's room . The name upon the door took a while to come into focus . She opened her eyes and announced , louder than she probably needed to " I 'm going to see Charlotte . " A door opened in the side of a mountain and a woman dressed from head to toe in black peered out . She rolled out a corpse in a bloodied white coat with her foot . She looked out at the sky , over the forest and then down at the dead man . Another black - clad man appeared behind her in the doorway . He awkwardly manoeuvred his pen and clipboard into one hand before saluting with the other and barking " No sign of the girl , sir . " She looked out at the view again and gave her orders without looking at him . " I want a complete inventory of this place . I want someone to check the air vents , rip up the floors if you have to . I want that girl found , sergeant . " Welcome to the first of my posts for the A to Z Blogging Challenge and I 'd like to take this opportunity to say a huge thank Arlee Bird for starting this whole thing . My plan is to write 26 alphabetical chapters that will make up a novella . I 'd love to know what you think of it . Annabelle stood with her eyes closed . She stared intensely at the inside of her eyelids . It was as though she was searching them for some all - important detail . The view from the tower was just as beautiful as she remembered . She could see the snowy peak of the mountain and its rocky slopes below . Stark lines softened into the curve of a lush forest . Her eyes travelled down to the foothills and farmlands which surrounded the mountain . A brook flowed out of the trees and darted in and out of her view between green fields . It joined another stream and broadened . It ran under a bridge , passed the mill and through the middle of the village . Annabelle looked down on the village . She studied the roofs of the buildings . She knew which were houses and belonged to the blacksmith 's forge , the apothecary and the tavern . She looked around the village square and saw smiling people going about their day . She opened her eyes . There was no snow - capped mountain , no green fields , no babbling brook , no village square and no smiling faces . Only four grey walls . The same four grey walls she had spent the last twenty years looking at . Annabelle stood in the centre of the room with her arms outstretched . She could almost touch both walls at the same time . Almost . She had heard strange noises that she didn 't recognise and then the alarm . She knew the alarm because it sounded every week as a test , but this time it went on for hours before it stopped . She was glad of the quiet . Annabelle moved to sit on her bed . Her eyes drifted from her open wardrobe to her bookshelf . Her gaze was drawn to the spines of her books . She was very proud of her little library and had read them all more than once . She had seven books . The wardrobe door was always open . The other door was always closed . It had a hatch in the middle and opened out onto a corridor . Annabelle wondered if that made it a ' corridoor ' . She had been out of her room , but not often , and when she came back she could always tell that someone else had been in and closed the wardrobe door . Annabelle got up and walked to her wardrobe . It took her three steps . She reached in and pulled out a white dress identical to the one she was wearing . She hung it up next to the other three . The hatch in the other door opened outwards and startled Annabelle . It always did . Lunch must be early today , she thought . She rushed over to her bed to see who was bringing her meal . Three times every day the hatch would open and someone outside would rest a tray of food on it . Annabelle liked to see as much of them as possible . For years , all she had seen was their torsos and hands . The torsos were covered in different clothes every time , but Annabelle got used to seeing the same pairs of hands over and over again . Some were brown , some were pink and one had long pointy red nails . Some wore rings , most wore watches . Annabelle realised that not only was there no torso and no hands , but there was no tray . She hadn 't been particularly hungry , but now she worried that lunch wasn 't coming . She stood up and walked toward the open hatch leaning left and right to try to see more . A hand loomed into view and Annabelle shrank back to the safety of the bed . The hand grasped the door through the hatch and the door made a hissing noise . It sounded a bit like the noise the door made when it open on its own , but louder . The hand pulled the door towards it and it opened . The door swung outwards and a man stepped into the room . Annabelle didn 't recognise him immediately . She looked down at his hand and felt a wave of familiarity . She recognised the bitten nails and the wedding ring . She knew those hands . They had brought her breakfast , lunch and dinner for several years . She looked at the rest of him . There were spectacles in front of his eyes . They were blue . He had a furry chin . He wore a long white coat , what looked like a red shirt and a small rectangle with a little picture of him smiling and the words PROF . PETER JENKINS written under it . " This facility is being closed . " Her expression must have made it clear that she didn 't understand , because he added . " There are men here . They 're coming in through the front door , which means you need to go out through the back . " PROF . PETER JENKINS motioned her towards him with his left hand . He was holding his side tightly with his right . Annabelle took a tentative step toward him and he moved backwards into the corridor . She followed him out and stood outside her own door . She closed it and lifted the hatch shut . Her name was written on the outside . She ran her fingers over the letters and turned to see Billy 's door . She looked down the corridor and PROF . PETER JENKINS was quite a way ahead of her lurching from side to side . She started after him looking at the names on the doors either side of her . Charlotte , Daniel , Emma , Frank and the rest . She knew these names . The end of the corridor lit up and Annabelle saw PROF . PETER JENKINS in silhouette . She caught up with him and he ushered her outside . It was bright and her eyes hurt . She felt a breeze through her dress and she shivered . She looked down at her bare feet among the undergrowth . PROF . PETER JENKINS was doing something to the door . She looked at his torso and she could see he was bleeding a lot . She reached out towards his reddening shirt and then looked up at his face . He pushed a button . Their eyes met and he said only " Go " as the door began to slide close between them . Annabelle turned her back to the huge metal door . Ahead of her there were trees are far as she could see above her blue sky and mountain slopes . She started walking down the mountain . It was time to go and see Billy . This is a super - painful but useful piece . Read to the end . On dating or marrying a white person and how to be an ally . More importantly , some ideas on how . . . Hey ! You , over there ! Ever wonder how moral you are ? Don 't look at me like that . It 's a straightforward enough question , and easy enough to answer . Isn 't i . . . Time for another ' deleted scenes ' blog . This time from * Doctor Who : Prisoners of Fate , * released way back in 2013 but still available here . The title refer . . . Hello you ! You may or may not be aware that I 'm currently crowdfunding a new short film on Kickstarter . It 's called Blood Shed , and it 's about a shed . . . th . . . Every fortnight I 'm posting a short story from the history of climate change over at the climatehistories site I 've set up . Here 's post number one . If you . . . Each year , the IBM Hursley Club publishes a giant crossword in its festive newsletter . The Club is onsite at the location where I work . This year , their cr . . . It begins twenty - four - and - a - bit years ago . Tuesday 19th May , 1992 . BBC2 are repeating the fourth series of a sci - fi sitcom called Red Dwarf . I 've heard vag . . . I am a big fan of sleeping . It is one of my favourite hobbies . Be it the cheeky afternoon nap on a sunny Sunday or a hibernation - style early night on a chi . . . |
I am having kind of a Walter Mitty week . Sort of . I just re - read the story to make sure I was correct in my comparison . And well , I am not hen - pecked nor a little misogynistic ( although that might be Thurber not Mitty ) . I am also not thinking of exciting and adventurous jobs necessarily , just new ones . I decided I wanted to be an architect after meeting our home designer Tuesday . On Wednesday , I wanted to gain fame and acclaim as a world - renowned para - equestrian dressage rider . I went to the aquarium Thursday with Mom , my little sister and her kids , and the trip brought rapid - fire job dreams . At 11 : 31 a . m . , I wanted to be a dolphin trainer . The dolphin show started at 11 : 30 . Sure , they said you had to know how to swim , but it just looked so fun and cool that learning to swim might be worth it . And the dolphins totally reminded me of Claren . When the treats came out , they often seemed to just run through all the tricks in their repertoire to get the fish . The best part was when the trainer dived in and was interacting with the dolphin and at the end the dolphin held her feet or something and swam . . . fast . The trainer looked like the front end of a motor boat . And the end was cool , too . All the trainers were getting their dolphins to do random stuff . One trainer was doing the twist , and the dolphin started twisting . But then we started looking at fish . I have loved fish since I was a kid and my brother had guppies . I worked at a pet store growing up ( well , I did after Mom walked into the pet store , which had a Help Wanted sign in the window but had just turned me down , and asked the owner why don 't you hire my son ? ) . I had at my peak about 100 gallons of aquarium water flowing in Mom and Dad 's . That was cool . And I realized today that I could stare at fish all day . I could totally be an ichthyologist . I like my job . I am not sure what all these second thoughts are about . And I don 't know what to do about them . I mean Walter Mitty ends with him dreaming of facing a firing squad with no blindfold . I don 't want to keep my jPosted by Phrase or two redacted at little sister 's demand . I had a good birthday yesterday even if it didn 't start with a visit from the Birthday Bird . Apparently , the Birthday Bird was stumped by the irregular store hours of Great Harvest . It ended with Mom and Dad playing their grandchildren in Wii tennis . We had atari and all sorts of games growing up . I never saw either of my parents play . I played a bunch of Wii earlier , learning that I am not cut out for boxing . Before that the wheelchair technician came by to remove these brackets that daily killed my legs . The first event was the best . It was a visit with the architect designing the new house . He is goodHe seemed to go right along with the jokes of my brother - in - law about dumping my suite in the dark corner of the house and other thing . I am not sure if this is good or bad . He was a little confused by one of the must - haves on my list for all the doors to be curtains . But my brother - in - law again came to my rescue : You remember the Brady Bunch episode when Greg had his own room with the beads ? He really likes that . Instead of a cool man - cave , I am probably going to get a disco . The scary thing ? I had like four other Brady Bunch references for the house . I was too embarrassed to make , which was just as well , I think . What I really liked was that he said : What Matt needs for his suits is what we are trying to do with the rest of the house , too . He meant that doors and halls would be wide , not for me but for everyone . I never wanted to swim until I could no longer get in the pool . That 's not quite true , I guess . I can still get in pools if there are a lot of people to help me or there is a lift . And the community center near work teaches swimming to wheelchair users and has a ramp or a lift . So it is definitely doable , but spontaneity is gone from my life . I decided I want to swim today when I watched my niece and nephew take lessons from a college student who I totally did not find cute because that would make me a dirty old man . But I could do nothing about it - - the swimming or the un - cute coed . I couldn 't jump in . Heck , I couldn 't even put my feet in the water without significant assistance just to get on the ground and take off my shoes and socks . And I probably would have gotten in more trouble from one of the child lifeguards from Eastern Europe . One had earlier tried to boot Claren . A friend who uses a chair but also walks some told me that she has gone to get ready to use her pool on her building 's roof only to have it raining by the time she gets ready . It takes so much planning to live as a person with Friedreich 's ataxia . I know I have mentioned it once or twice before . And it is not just your life you are planning : You need to plan who will assist you and how . I guess I 'd just like to fly by the seat of my pants , but I am sure I 'd wind up with a wedgie . My brother who uses a wheelchair went to a retirement party last week with his wife . He said something like : " I didn 't have to do anything . " Apparently , people were helping him with everything . " You want to tell them , ' let me do something for myself , ' " he added before saying that he wouldn 't actually say that . The darn do - gooders he faced that night might have been servers and waiters who are paid to assist people . What do you think or say when the unwanted and unneeded assistance comes from people who aren 't paid to do it and also aren 't related ? ( Related people are a whole nother ball game and discussing them would take me into a minefield that could leave me living at a local Days Inn for the present and without a home to live in for the future , so I will put it aside for now . ) I actually had two recent experiences with unnecessary help and I still don 't know what to think . On the one hand , I am just overwhelmed at the kindness or grace or whatever that these people are showing . On the other hand , I am like my brother : " Let me do something for myself . " A few weeks ago , my boss brought me hot water for my morning tea , as he always does , which alone shows his kindness . But I knocked the cup over all over my desk . He heard it spill , asked if i was OK ( I was ) , then came around and said I 'll get you some new water and clean this up . I tried telling him I could do it . In fact I had spilled the morning before when he wasn 't there and had cleaned it all up with a handful of newspapers and two old napkins . He would hear none of it . He brought back a big paper towel roll and a bowl full of water for him to rinse the paper towels in . And cleaned it . My intern even tried to get in on the act when my boss was getting the paper towels , offering to help . A few nights later I was having dinner with Mom and Dad and a cousin and his fiance . I asked her to pass me the watermelon . She did and I grabbed the spoon in the bowl to dish some on to my plate . But the spoon slipped out of my grip , didn 't fall out of the bowl or anything . ButPosted by I asked someone at work today if the company had ever repaired the elevator I broke . It has been a while , so I was pretty sure they had . He told that the company was trying to find a cheaper repair price than $ 10 , 000 . Really . I apparently cost my company almost 20 % of my annual salary in one brief elevator ride . Not even a ride , all I had to do was go into the elevator . I know it was an accident . One of my friends says these things happen so they might as well be really big . His biggest mishap , though , involves borrowing paper clips . I know my company or its insurance can afford to fix the elevator , but I also know that it would be really nice for anyone not to have that kind of expense on the ledger . I still want to apologize to someone . This is a small thing , but last night , Mom said " dammit " when telling me she forgot something . In turn , I said something like " Dammit , Claren , she forgot . " Soon after I went to the bathroom before going to bed . Or I tried to . I started laughing so hard remembering my " dammit , Claren " that I could not stand straight , let alone relieve myself . Thank god I have floor - to - ceiling super pole in the bathroom otherwise I might have fallen . Finally , I had to tell Mom I was dying of laughter , then I calmed down and took care of business and went to bed . I went to a local park that was built to be accessible and is awful cool . I almost wish I were a kid in a wheelchair ( physically , not emotionally ) . I didn 't go to play , but to have dinner a friend and her daughters . It was a lot of fun . We ate and then my friend pushed me around as her kids played . She had offered to give me a lift home , but when we got to her car the kids were horrified . " How 's he gonna stand up ? " they worried . Then there 's my nephew . He wanted me to go upstairs and see something and his mom pointed out that I don 't climb stairs . " If he 'd just get out of the chair , " he apparently replied . It has been really hot the past few days , and that always reminds me of Granddaddy McCauley . I don 't really remember him at all , and I never know if the images of him that I hold in my heart are from my memories or from some mix of photos , slides and memories of other people . I think it more likely is the mixture because I was just 7 when he died . I was at just the wrong age to know him : a little older and I might remember him , a little younger and I might have gotten a chance to stay with him a lot when others were at school . This is how my little sister remembers him . I can almost see him in a chaize lounge outside in long pants , even on the hot days , and hear him saying that the weather was not so bad , there was a nice little breeze . I am certain Granddaddy did not have Mom 's voice , but I have heard her talk about him so much that he does in my mind . Darned if he wasn 't right , too . Any time I am outdoors , if I can find some shade , a little breeze comes along to revive me . I watched three hours of TV after my Nero incident . First was Joan of Arcadia , in which Joan begged God to let her paraplegic brother walk again . God alleged that she ( God was in the form of a little girl ) put a lot of thought into the universe and its rules and now played by them . Handing out miracles showed favoritism . Now I now Joan is not canon , but my problem then is what gives with Jesus ? He showed favoritism left and right . Next I watched Doctor Who , in which someone sacrifices herself for the greater good . We have to wait till next week to see if her sacrifice pays off . I finished my evening with a totally silly and funny Psych . I then went to bed and got up 12 and a half hours later . ' The house was not burning and I was not fiddling , so I guess technically I am not like Nero . But as I threw the ball to Claren tonight while a load of urine sat on the floor of the bathroom , that is how I felt . I did not have much choice ; no one was home and I could not reach the mops and rags . That did not make it any better , though . I was off Monday and Tuesday , but I started feeling rotten as soon as I went to work . I was not sick but having issues keeping food in my stomach for very long . I think it was stress , a schedule change and some pork . I was also supposed to go to a memorial service tonight for someone who raised service dogs . I canceled that this afternoon , came home and fell asleep with one shoe off . Mom and Dad went to a friend 's for dinner and just woke me to say they were leaving . Dad asked if he should put my shoe on and I said I 'd get it . Then I dozed off again . I woke up and tried to put my shoe on , but it required all sorts of gyrations and I soon had to go the bathroom badly . When I got my shoe on , I transfered to my wheelchair and headed in . I ran into a chair , which slowed me a bit , and then grabbed the bathroom door but it slipped out of my hands . I got in finally , but it was too late . I was going in the middle of the floor and there was nothing I could do to stop it . Really . I attempted squeezing things , but then what ? Finally , I finished up and I was able to transfer to the shower , where I took off my dirty clothes and cleaned up . I cleaned up despite having maybe a centimeter of soap in the shower . I tried to call my little sister , too , but she was out . I then had to go get some clothes . And then I went to play . Well , first I made sure I could not fit into the laundry room to get the mop and stuff . My sister called back and I just asked her to get me something when she came home . She wouldn 't , though . She insisted on cleaning it up herself . My 3 - year - old nephew molested my service dog today . I got harassed at the bank , but I suspect it was more traumatic . My nephew came down from a bath at Mom and Dad 's all wrapped up in a fuzzy towel . He walked up to me and said " viola ! " as he threw his towel off . I suspect his mother had a hand in that but not what followed . He " voila ' ed " Mom when Claren was right in front of her and got a start when he felt Claren 's tail on his loins . After the initial surprise passed , my nephew realized he enjoys the feeling of a dog tail on his nether regions and kept moving so Claren kept brushing him . I made sure to take Claren out after her traumatizing experience so she could roll around in the grass . I wish someone had been there after my trip to the bank to help shed the creepy . I just went in to confirm that an account was closed . It was , my banker said , then she asked if I had looked into the information she had given me earlier . It took me a while to figure out what she meant then it hit me : the pyramid scheme of health , stem cell enhancers . I gave some non - commital answer and she kept after me . Finally , I told her that I thought creating more stem cells was probably a bad idea for me because my cells , and I assume my stem cells , are screwed up at a genetic level . Of course , she had the answer : A daughter of a friend blah blah blah . So what do you think , Matt ? she asked . I told her it was not for me and she asked why . I told her there was no information about negative side effects . She seemed to buy that and let me leave . I am sure next time I am in there she will have the answer to that , too . What really bugs me is I can 't say to her LEAVE ME ALONE . I don 't know why it is so hard for me to be rude . But it is not even rude ; she is the rude nerd with her nosiness . It is not flight or fight ; this woman was not threatening me . I 'm not even sure she could take me and Claren , although she probably is juicing on stem cell enhancers . We could at least get off a good yell before she hulked out probably . Probably all of my sisters wilPosted by A few weeks ago I got an e - mail from a friend of mine . She said she was listening to a coyote howl and was thinking " Matt would think this was cool . " She was totally right . I don 't get out among wildlife much . Seeing deer along the toll road is always a highlight for me , even though deer are about as rare as mosquitoes in Northern Virginia . What is even cooler than the coyote , though , was that she thought of me . Me ? ! My biggest fear , bigger even than getting fired for breaking an elevator , is that I am out of sight out of mind . I remember someone telling me about some get together and saying something like " We should have invited you . " Even family members , who I totally know think about me , are not immune from my paranoia . When one says , I 'll call you tonight , and they don 't for whatever good reason , I have been known to freak . And not in a good way . I am getting better , a little , sort of , I think . . . My sister and I made plans to go see Wall - Ewith her kids today . But her daughter got pink eye so we didn 't go . And I am OK with it . Even though I wanted to see it , really bad . . . My niece 's eye wasn 't that pink either . Maybe she is just weaseling out of going somewhere with her uncle . Or maybe my sister is making excuses because she doesn 't want to think about me , let alone be in public with me . My sister - in - law asked me if I was going to call today an adventure with my brother and sister - in - law . When I told her no , she wondered if I would call it a misadventure . No , again , I told her . Today deserved a four - letter designation . We went by subway to the Nationals baseball game at the new park . It is lovely , but apparently three people in wheelchairs cannot sit together unless there are two people with them using normal seats . At the park , there are plenty of spots for two chairs and one chair , but not three , at least not together . So my brother and sister - in - law sat in two wheelchair spots , then there was an empty seat , then a post , then me and Dad in a regular seat . At least the seats were under cover because it was hot and sunny . We were spared the sun but it was still so hot my sitting region felt like it was drowning in sweat . And of course , I can 't get out of the pool . The Nats are a bad team , too , which is OK . But the announcer tells the fans to stand and honor the flag , and it is the same as at Mass . I feel like shouting back : " Don 't you think I 'd like to , jackass ? " At least at a ballgame , they might not hear me ; at church everyone would . Also , I left Claren home , on purpose . Stupid . The trip home was almost entirely a cornucopia of crap , a broken wheelchair here , a wrong turn there , to top it off : a broken elevator at our destination stop . Dad went up , got the car and met me at the stop near home . My brother and sister - in - law rode one more stop and went back to get to the original destination to get a working elevator on the other side . The trip was saved by a cute gal waving at me when I was waiting for the elevator at my final stop . I finally realized it was a friend from work . Not to blow off my relatives , seeing non - related friends always energizes me . Imagine if she had come to the game with me . I need to get cable in the family room at Mom and Dad 's . . . for the sakes of both Dad and me . It is usually not too bad in the summer because most shows are on break and all I really watch are shows that come on late , so Dad just goes to bed . But yesterday I discovered that Sci - Fi is running Joan of Arcadia reruns at 8 on Fridays . Sci - Fi is showing the first season , when Joan was consistently good , not the second season when it became less special and started getting called " Joan the devil slayer " near the end . The first season was so good that I even was willing to overlook that a guy just out of high school could become fact checker and then reporter for the local newspaper . Journalism - - it 's so easy anyone can do it ! No training or editors required . The pilot episode was last night . I said for Dad 's sake because he is more a Law & Order guy , with shows wrapped up in an hour . He doesn 't like things that are serialized and he doesn 't like shows that rely on unknowns and unsolved mysteries . I said for my sake because this show , with God and a wheelchair user ( the journalist ) , always makes me want to cry . Here is what had me fighting tears last night ( I got the transcript from here ) : Thinking of her son , the wheelchair journalist , Helen , Joan 's mom , asks a priest who is out in a parking lot collecting money - What is God thinking ? Priest - Excuse me ? Helen - What 's He thinking ? Um . What 's He up too ? You know , the parking lot version . Priest - Well , it 's not really something I 'm prepared to answer . Helen - Why not , you got the collar on . Says to the world you got some sorta handle on it . Priest - What you 're asking is complicated . Helen - Well , give it a shot . Starting with why He lets people suffer ? ( The priest struggles to find the words ) I 'm putting you on the spot . Um , I 'm sorry . I 'll just be going . ( Helen starts to walk away , then turns back and puts more money in the basket . She is nearly crying . ) He 's a father right ? He 's supposed to be a father . What father wouldn 't fix his kids problems if He possible could ? And He 's Posted by When Claren is not with me , I feel smaller and less significant , both physically and emotionally . Almost everyone says where 's your dog , even people I don 't know . And they ask immediately , not at least looking at me to see if I look vaguely OK . Which I don 't without Claren . I definitely am physically smaller and I don 't have to worry about crushing her with my chair , although I am still apparently not small enough to walk down a hall with a friend as I tried to do Thursday . I drifted over and smacked a barrier with my chair , running my chair 's controller up on a railing . Fortunately , this time I didn 't break what was a glass barrier . I am glad Claren recovered and was at work with me today , although as I got in the elevator to ride home , I went too fast and came darn close to breaking another elevator . I sent my RSVP for that book party , saying I just could not figure out how to get to NYC . Mom argues that that is not exactly true . In the book , the guy yells at his dad for not being there to help him through life . I told Mom I am similarly mad at myself because I cannot count on my body for basically anything , such as easily getting to NYC . Mom was not buying the comparison . She said that I could get to NYC . . . if money was not an issue . In a way , she is perhaps correct : If I did not mind spending $ 500 to $ 1 , 000 for a weekend , I could fly or train up , stay in a nice hotel and return Tuesday . But I will never be rich enough to disregard the extra costs I must pay because of my shiftless body . A friend of a friend had this status update on his Facebook page : " is thinking about going to NYC one of the next two weekends . Got a couch I can crash on ? : ) " How many people have a wheelchair - accessible home and bathroom ? Even in my family it is not the norm . I don 't " crash . " I wish I could , though . I 'd also like to drive and to walk and to run and maybe a pony . How am I supposed to not be tired of sitting in a wheelchair all day ? I was agitated last night , unable to get comfortable or find something to do before bedtime . I was sick to death of being in this chair . I wanted to stand or get on the floor or anything but sit in my chair or anything else . Dad put a drawing at the foot of my bed . It is from the 1982 NFC championship game when the Washington Redskins demolished the evil Dallas Cowboys . It shows the offensive line paving the way for John Riggins , who is shown as a tractor - trailer . I must have looked like an offensive lineman when I went for my trike ride yesterday . Well , except I am not 6 - foot - 6 , weighing 300 pounds . Actually , the only linemen - ish thing was that my feet were wrapped tightly in ace bandages . I talked to a therapist about how my ankle splays when I ride , and she suggested an " AFO . " This kind of brace should help , but the wraps did mostly the same thing . They kept my ankle from giving out , so it was a good ride . I want to get some new bike shoes , more high - top than my current shoes , and with the fancy laces that my new shoes have . You just pull them up and they lock , kind of . And I want to e - mail this guy and see if he uses any kind of braces , but I am more hopeful about riding than I have been in a while . Not that I 'll be setting any speed records . As the country commemorates its freedom from tyrannical kings , I too am celebrating a liberation , too : from a tyrannical bladder . Ever since I moved back home , I have been having to get up early in the morning to use the bathroom . And it is on the other side of the house . And urgency is a definite issue . It hasn 't always been a leak - proof morning is all I will say . Part of it is that Dad takes out Claren in the morning so I can sleep . This is great , but my stupid bladder misses that early - morning purge . Like John Adams and the other founding fathers we took action . We ordered a urinal to keep by the bed . And this morning at 5 a . m . , I used it . Not that it is easy to pee when lying down . I may ask my 3 - year - old nephew for tips . I was lying there , the urinal and body parts in place , and I was too nervous . I was screaming at myself to relax my muscles . It reminded me of this test I have had twice . It involves a catheter , which fills your bladder so the doctor can see any trouble spots , like an Iraq in your bladder . You are supposed to tell them when you are full . The first time I had it done was in a hospital and there was a friendly doctor who was marveling at my capacity . I told him I was full and he said , OK , just go . Talk about unrelaxed muscles . There was only a catheter down there . Finally , they hit me with a sedative and that apparently solved the issue . The other time was in a doctor 's office . No drugs in sight , except for a little numbing agent to get the catheter on it merry way . Again , I said I was full and the doc said just go . It didn 't work then either . Finally , I relaxed enough this morning and as I peed I hummed the Star Spangled Banner . I got invited to the book release party of that graphic novel I wrote about recently Too Cool to be Forgotten . I think for the first time in my life I want to go to a club in NYC . Heck , it might be the first time I wanted to go to NYC period . But it is next Monday at like 5 so I doubt it is in the cards . I guess someone related to the book saw the post as I have no contact with its publisher . That 's kind of cool . A friend of mine and I decided that when you are bitter , you have two options . You can be mean and angry bitter , which begets pity . Or you can be a funny bitter , which inspires laughter , maybe empathy and even learning . It is a very fine line between the two . I asked my favorite visual artist I am related to to illustrate this . She did an awesome job . It is quite a task . I am definitely bitter . I hope I am funny . I am a 45 - year - old with Friedreich 's ataxia , a genetic disorder that slowly robs you of your coordination and muscle control . I use a wheelchair all the time . And I write . |
I am having kind of a Walter Mitty week . Sort of . I just re - read the story to make sure I was correct in my comparison . And well , I am not hen - pecked nor a little misogynistic ( although that might be Thurber not Mitty ) . I am also not thinking of exciting and adventurous jobs necessarily , just new ones . I decided I wanted to be an architect after meeting our home designer Tuesday . On Wednesday , I wanted to gain fame and acclaim as a world - renowned para - equestrian dressage rider . I went to the aquarium Thursday with Mom , my little sister and her kids , and the trip brought rapid - fire job dreams . At 11 : 31 a . m . , I wanted to be a dolphin trainer . The dolphin show started at 11 : 30 . Sure , they said you had to know how to swim , but it just looked so fun and cool that learning to swim might be worth it . And the dolphins totally reminded me of Claren . When the treats came out , they often seemed to just run through all the tricks in their repertoire to get the fish . The best part was when the trainer dived in and was interacting with the dolphin and at the end the dolphin held her feet or something and swam . . . fast . The trainer looked like the front end of a motor boat . And the end was cool , too . All the trainers were getting their dolphins to do random stuff . One trainer was doing the twist , and the dolphin started twisting . But then we started looking at fish . I have loved fish since I was a kid and my brother had guppies . I worked at a pet store growing up ( well , I did after Mom walked into the pet store , which had a Help Wanted sign in the window but had just turned me down , and asked the owner why don 't you hire my son ? ) . I had at my peak about 100 gallons of aquarium water flowing in Mom and Dad 's . That was cool . And I realized today that I could stare at fish all day . I could totally be an ichthyologist . I like my job . I am not sure what all these second thoughts are about . And I don 't know what to do about them . I mean Walter Mitty ends with him dreaming of facing a firing squad with no blindfold . I don 't want to keep my jPosted by Phrase or two redacted at little sister 's demand . I had a good birthday yesterday even if it didn 't start with a visit from the Birthday Bird . Apparently , the Birthday Bird was stumped by the irregular store hours of Great Harvest . It ended with Mom and Dad playing their grandchildren in Wii tennis . We had atari and all sorts of games growing up . I never saw either of my parents play . I played a bunch of Wii earlier , learning that I am not cut out for boxing . Before that the wheelchair technician came by to remove these brackets that daily killed my legs . The first event was the best . It was a visit with the architect designing the new house . He is goodHe seemed to go right along with the jokes of my brother - in - law about dumping my suite in the dark corner of the house and other thing . I am not sure if this is good or bad . He was a little confused by one of the must - haves on my list for all the doors to be curtains . But my brother - in - law again came to my rescue : You remember the Brady Bunch episode when Greg had his own room with the beads ? He really likes that . Instead of a cool man - cave , I am probably going to get a disco . The scary thing ? I had like four other Brady Bunch references for the house . I was too embarrassed to make , which was just as well , I think . What I really liked was that he said : What Matt needs for his suits is what we are trying to do with the rest of the house , too . He meant that doors and halls would be wide , not for me but for everyone . I never wanted to swim until I could no longer get in the pool . That 's not quite true , I guess . I can still get in pools if there are a lot of people to help me or there is a lift . And the community center near work teaches swimming to wheelchair users and has a ramp or a lift . So it is definitely doable , but spontaneity is gone from my life . I decided I want to swim today when I watched my niece and nephew take lessons from a college student who I totally did not find cute because that would make me a dirty old man . But I could do nothing about it - - the swimming or the un - cute coed . I couldn 't jump in . Heck , I couldn 't even put my feet in the water without significant assistance just to get on the ground and take off my shoes and socks . And I probably would have gotten in more trouble from one of the child lifeguards from Eastern Europe . One had earlier tried to boot Claren . A friend who uses a chair but also walks some told me that she has gone to get ready to use her pool on her building 's roof only to have it raining by the time she gets ready . It takes so much planning to live as a person with Friedreich 's ataxia . I know I have mentioned it once or twice before . And it is not just your life you are planning : You need to plan who will assist you and how . I guess I 'd just like to fly by the seat of my pants , but I am sure I 'd wind up with a wedgie . My brother who uses a wheelchair went to a retirement party last week with his wife . He said something like : " I didn 't have to do anything . " Apparently , people were helping him with everything . " You want to tell them , ' let me do something for myself , ' " he added before saying that he wouldn 't actually say that . The darn do - gooders he faced that night might have been servers and waiters who are paid to assist people . What do you think or say when the unwanted and unneeded assistance comes from people who aren 't paid to do it and also aren 't related ? ( Related people are a whole nother ball game and discussing them would take me into a minefield that could leave me living at a local Days Inn for the present and without a home to live in for the future , so I will put it aside for now . ) I actually had two recent experiences with unnecessary help and I still don 't know what to think . On the one hand , I am just overwhelmed at the kindness or grace or whatever that these people are showing . On the other hand , I am like my brother : " Let me do something for myself . " A few weeks ago , my boss brought me hot water for my morning tea , as he always does , which alone shows his kindness . But I knocked the cup over all over my desk . He heard it spill , asked if i was OK ( I was ) , then came around and said I 'll get you some new water and clean this up . I tried telling him I could do it . In fact I had spilled the morning before when he wasn 't there and had cleaned it all up with a handful of newspapers and two old napkins . He would hear none of it . He brought back a big paper towel roll and a bowl full of water for him to rinse the paper towels in . And cleaned it . My intern even tried to get in on the act when my boss was getting the paper towels , offering to help . A few nights later I was having dinner with Mom and Dad and a cousin and his fiance . I asked her to pass me the watermelon . She did and I grabbed the spoon in the bowl to dish some on to my plate . But the spoon slipped out of my grip , didn 't fall out of the bowl or anything . ButPosted by I asked someone at work today if the company had ever repaired the elevator I broke . It has been a while , so I was pretty sure they had . He told that the company was trying to find a cheaper repair price than $ 10 , 000 . Really . I apparently cost my company almost 20 % of my annual salary in one brief elevator ride . Not even a ride , all I had to do was go into the elevator . I know it was an accident . One of my friends says these things happen so they might as well be really big . His biggest mishap , though , involves borrowing paper clips . I know my company or its insurance can afford to fix the elevator , but I also know that it would be really nice for anyone not to have that kind of expense on the ledger . I still want to apologize to someone . This is a small thing , but last night , Mom said " dammit " when telling me she forgot something . In turn , I said something like " Dammit , Claren , she forgot . " Soon after I went to the bathroom before going to bed . Or I tried to . I started laughing so hard remembering my " dammit , Claren " that I could not stand straight , let alone relieve myself . Thank god I have floor - to - ceiling super pole in the bathroom otherwise I might have fallen . Finally , I had to tell Mom I was dying of laughter , then I calmed down and took care of business and went to bed . I went to a local park that was built to be accessible and is awful cool . I almost wish I were a kid in a wheelchair ( physically , not emotionally ) . I didn 't go to play , but to have dinner a friend and her daughters . It was a lot of fun . We ate and then my friend pushed me around as her kids played . She had offered to give me a lift home , but when we got to her car the kids were horrified . " How 's he gonna stand up ? " they worried . Then there 's my nephew . He wanted me to go upstairs and see something and his mom pointed out that I don 't climb stairs . " If he 'd just get out of the chair , " he apparently replied . It has been really hot the past few days , and that always reminds me of Granddaddy McCauley . I don 't really remember him at all , and I never know if the images of him that I hold in my heart are from my memories or from some mix of photos , slides and memories of other people . I think it more likely is the mixture because I was just 7 when he died . I was at just the wrong age to know him : a little older and I might remember him , a little younger and I might have gotten a chance to stay with him a lot when others were at school . This is how my little sister remembers him . I can almost see him in a chaize lounge outside in long pants , even on the hot days , and hear him saying that the weather was not so bad , there was a nice little breeze . I am certain Granddaddy did not have Mom 's voice , but I have heard her talk about him so much that he does in my mind . Darned if he wasn 't right , too . Any time I am outdoors , if I can find some shade , a little breeze comes along to revive me . I watched three hours of TV after my Nero incident . First was Joan of Arcadia , in which Joan begged God to let her paraplegic brother walk again . God alleged that she ( God was in the form of a little girl ) put a lot of thought into the universe and its rules and now played by them . Handing out miracles showed favoritism . Now I now Joan is not canon , but my problem then is what gives with Jesus ? He showed favoritism left and right . Next I watched Doctor Who , in which someone sacrifices herself for the greater good . We have to wait till next week to see if her sacrifice pays off . I finished my evening with a totally silly and funny Psych . I then went to bed and got up 12 and a half hours later . ' The house was not burning and I was not fiddling , so I guess technically I am not like Nero . But as I threw the ball to Claren tonight while a load of urine sat on the floor of the bathroom , that is how I felt . I did not have much choice ; no one was home and I could not reach the mops and rags . That did not make it any better , though . I was off Monday and Tuesday , but I started feeling rotten as soon as I went to work . I was not sick but having issues keeping food in my stomach for very long . I think it was stress , a schedule change and some pork . I was also supposed to go to a memorial service tonight for someone who raised service dogs . I canceled that this afternoon , came home and fell asleep with one shoe off . Mom and Dad went to a friend 's for dinner and just woke me to say they were leaving . Dad asked if he should put my shoe on and I said I 'd get it . Then I dozed off again . I woke up and tried to put my shoe on , but it required all sorts of gyrations and I soon had to go the bathroom badly . When I got my shoe on , I transfered to my wheelchair and headed in . I ran into a chair , which slowed me a bit , and then grabbed the bathroom door but it slipped out of my hands . I got in finally , but it was too late . I was going in the middle of the floor and there was nothing I could do to stop it . Really . I attempted squeezing things , but then what ? Finally , I finished up and I was able to transfer to the shower , where I took off my dirty clothes and cleaned up . I cleaned up despite having maybe a centimeter of soap in the shower . I tried to call my little sister , too , but she was out . I then had to go get some clothes . And then I went to play . Well , first I made sure I could not fit into the laundry room to get the mop and stuff . My sister called back and I just asked her to get me something when she came home . She wouldn 't , though . She insisted on cleaning it up herself . My 3 - year - old nephew molested my service dog today . I got harassed at the bank , but I suspect it was more traumatic . My nephew came down from a bath at Mom and Dad 's all wrapped up in a fuzzy towel . He walked up to me and said " viola ! " as he threw his towel off . I suspect his mother had a hand in that but not what followed . He " voila ' ed " Mom when Claren was right in front of her and got a start when he felt Claren 's tail on his loins . After the initial surprise passed , my nephew realized he enjoys the feeling of a dog tail on his nether regions and kept moving so Claren kept brushing him . I made sure to take Claren out after her traumatizing experience so she could roll around in the grass . I wish someone had been there after my trip to the bank to help shed the creepy . I just went in to confirm that an account was closed . It was , my banker said , then she asked if I had looked into the information she had given me earlier . It took me a while to figure out what she meant then it hit me : the pyramid scheme of health , stem cell enhancers . I gave some non - commital answer and she kept after me . Finally , I told her that I thought creating more stem cells was probably a bad idea for me because my cells , and I assume my stem cells , are screwed up at a genetic level . Of course , she had the answer : A daughter of a friend blah blah blah . So what do you think , Matt ? she asked . I told her it was not for me and she asked why . I told her there was no information about negative side effects . She seemed to buy that and let me leave . I am sure next time I am in there she will have the answer to that , too . What really bugs me is I can 't say to her LEAVE ME ALONE . I don 't know why it is so hard for me to be rude . But it is not even rude ; she is the rude nerd with her nosiness . It is not flight or fight ; this woman was not threatening me . I 'm not even sure she could take me and Claren , although she probably is juicing on stem cell enhancers . We could at least get off a good yell before she hulked out probably . Probably all of my sisters wilPosted by A few weeks ago I got an e - mail from a friend of mine . She said she was listening to a coyote howl and was thinking " Matt would think this was cool . " She was totally right . I don 't get out among wildlife much . Seeing deer along the toll road is always a highlight for me , even though deer are about as rare as mosquitoes in Northern Virginia . What is even cooler than the coyote , though , was that she thought of me . Me ? ! My biggest fear , bigger even than getting fired for breaking an elevator , is that I am out of sight out of mind . I remember someone telling me about some get together and saying something like " We should have invited you . " Even family members , who I totally know think about me , are not immune from my paranoia . When one says , I 'll call you tonight , and they don 't for whatever good reason , I have been known to freak . And not in a good way . I am getting better , a little , sort of , I think . . . My sister and I made plans to go see Wall - Ewith her kids today . But her daughter got pink eye so we didn 't go . And I am OK with it . Even though I wanted to see it , really bad . . . My niece 's eye wasn 't that pink either . Maybe she is just weaseling out of going somewhere with her uncle . Or maybe my sister is making excuses because she doesn 't want to think about me , let alone be in public with me . My sister - in - law asked me if I was going to call today an adventure with my brother and sister - in - law . When I told her no , she wondered if I would call it a misadventure . No , again , I told her . Today deserved a four - letter designation . We went by subway to the Nationals baseball game at the new park . It is lovely , but apparently three people in wheelchairs cannot sit together unless there are two people with them using normal seats . At the park , there are plenty of spots for two chairs and one chair , but not three , at least not together . So my brother and sister - in - law sat in two wheelchair spots , then there was an empty seat , then a post , then me and Dad in a regular seat . At least the seats were under cover because it was hot and sunny . We were spared the sun but it was still so hot my sitting region felt like it was drowning in sweat . And of course , I can 't get out of the pool . The Nats are a bad team , too , which is OK . But the announcer tells the fans to stand and honor the flag , and it is the same as at Mass . I feel like shouting back : " Don 't you think I 'd like to , jackass ? " At least at a ballgame , they might not hear me ; at church everyone would . Also , I left Claren home , on purpose . Stupid . The trip home was almost entirely a cornucopia of crap , a broken wheelchair here , a wrong turn there , to top it off : a broken elevator at our destination stop . Dad went up , got the car and met me at the stop near home . My brother and sister - in - law rode one more stop and went back to get to the original destination to get a working elevator on the other side . The trip was saved by a cute gal waving at me when I was waiting for the elevator at my final stop . I finally realized it was a friend from work . Not to blow off my relatives , seeing non - related friends always energizes me . Imagine if she had come to the game with me . I need to get cable in the family room at Mom and Dad 's . . . for the sakes of both Dad and me . It is usually not too bad in the summer because most shows are on break and all I really watch are shows that come on late , so Dad just goes to bed . But yesterday I discovered that Sci - Fi is running Joan of Arcadia reruns at 8 on Fridays . Sci - Fi is showing the first season , when Joan was consistently good , not the second season when it became less special and started getting called " Joan the devil slayer " near the end . The first season was so good that I even was willing to overlook that a guy just out of high school could become fact checker and then reporter for the local newspaper . Journalism - - it 's so easy anyone can do it ! No training or editors required . The pilot episode was last night . I said for Dad 's sake because he is more a Law & Order guy , with shows wrapped up in an hour . He doesn 't like things that are serialized and he doesn 't like shows that rely on unknowns and unsolved mysteries . I said for my sake because this show , with God and a wheelchair user ( the journalist ) , always makes me want to cry . Here is what had me fighting tears last night ( I got the transcript from here ) : Thinking of her son , the wheelchair journalist , Helen , Joan 's mom , asks a priest who is out in a parking lot collecting money - What is God thinking ? Priest - Excuse me ? Helen - What 's He thinking ? Um . What 's He up too ? You know , the parking lot version . Priest - Well , it 's not really something I 'm prepared to answer . Helen - Why not , you got the collar on . Says to the world you got some sorta handle on it . Priest - What you 're asking is complicated . Helen - Well , give it a shot . Starting with why He lets people suffer ? ( The priest struggles to find the words ) I 'm putting you on the spot . Um , I 'm sorry . I 'll just be going . ( Helen starts to walk away , then turns back and puts more money in the basket . She is nearly crying . ) He 's a father right ? He 's supposed to be a father . What father wouldn 't fix his kids problems if He possible could ? And He 's Posted by When Claren is not with me , I feel smaller and less significant , both physically and emotionally . Almost everyone says where 's your dog , even people I don 't know . And they ask immediately , not at least looking at me to see if I look vaguely OK . Which I don 't without Claren . I definitely am physically smaller and I don 't have to worry about crushing her with my chair , although I am still apparently not small enough to walk down a hall with a friend as I tried to do Thursday . I drifted over and smacked a barrier with my chair , running my chair 's controller up on a railing . Fortunately , this time I didn 't break what was a glass barrier . I am glad Claren recovered and was at work with me today , although as I got in the elevator to ride home , I went too fast and came darn close to breaking another elevator . I sent my RSVP for that book party , saying I just could not figure out how to get to NYC . Mom argues that that is not exactly true . In the book , the guy yells at his dad for not being there to help him through life . I told Mom I am similarly mad at myself because I cannot count on my body for basically anything , such as easily getting to NYC . Mom was not buying the comparison . She said that I could get to NYC . . . if money was not an issue . In a way , she is perhaps correct : If I did not mind spending $ 500 to $ 1 , 000 for a weekend , I could fly or train up , stay in a nice hotel and return Tuesday . But I will never be rich enough to disregard the extra costs I must pay because of my shiftless body . A friend of a friend had this status update on his Facebook page : " is thinking about going to NYC one of the next two weekends . Got a couch I can crash on ? : ) " How many people have a wheelchair - accessible home and bathroom ? Even in my family it is not the norm . I don 't " crash . " I wish I could , though . I 'd also like to drive and to walk and to run and maybe a pony . How am I supposed to not be tired of sitting in a wheelchair all day ? I was agitated last night , unable to get comfortable or find something to do before bedtime . I was sick to death of being in this chair . I wanted to stand or get on the floor or anything but sit in my chair or anything else . Dad put a drawing at the foot of my bed . It is from the 1982 NFC championship game when the Washington Redskins demolished the evil Dallas Cowboys . It shows the offensive line paving the way for John Riggins , who is shown as a tractor - trailer . I must have looked like an offensive lineman when I went for my trike ride yesterday . Well , except I am not 6 - foot - 6 , weighing 300 pounds . Actually , the only linemen - ish thing was that my feet were wrapped tightly in ace bandages . I talked to a therapist about how my ankle splays when I ride , and she suggested an " AFO . " This kind of brace should help , but the wraps did mostly the same thing . They kept my ankle from giving out , so it was a good ride . I want to get some new bike shoes , more high - top than my current shoes , and with the fancy laces that my new shoes have . You just pull them up and they lock , kind of . And I want to e - mail this guy and see if he uses any kind of braces , but I am more hopeful about riding than I have been in a while . Not that I 'll be setting any speed records . As the country commemorates its freedom from tyrannical kings , I too am celebrating a liberation , too : from a tyrannical bladder . Ever since I moved back home , I have been having to get up early in the morning to use the bathroom . And it is on the other side of the house . And urgency is a definite issue . It hasn 't always been a leak - proof morning is all I will say . Part of it is that Dad takes out Claren in the morning so I can sleep . This is great , but my stupid bladder misses that early - morning purge . Like John Adams and the other founding fathers we took action . We ordered a urinal to keep by the bed . And this morning at 5 a . m . , I used it . Not that it is easy to pee when lying down . I may ask my 3 - year - old nephew for tips . I was lying there , the urinal and body parts in place , and I was too nervous . I was screaming at myself to relax my muscles . It reminded me of this test I have had twice . It involves a catheter , which fills your bladder so the doctor can see any trouble spots , like an Iraq in your bladder . You are supposed to tell them when you are full . The first time I had it done was in a hospital and there was a friendly doctor who was marveling at my capacity . I told him I was full and he said , OK , just go . Talk about unrelaxed muscles . There was only a catheter down there . Finally , they hit me with a sedative and that apparently solved the issue . The other time was in a doctor 's office . No drugs in sight , except for a little numbing agent to get the catheter on it merry way . Again , I said I was full and the doc said just go . It didn 't work then either . Finally , I relaxed enough this morning and as I peed I hummed the Star Spangled Banner . I got invited to the book release party of that graphic novel I wrote about recently Too Cool to be Forgotten . I think for the first time in my life I want to go to a club in NYC . Heck , it might be the first time I wanted to go to NYC period . But it is next Monday at like 5 so I doubt it is in the cards . I guess someone related to the book saw the post as I have no contact with its publisher . That 's kind of cool . A friend of mine and I decided that when you are bitter , you have two options . You can be mean and angry bitter , which begets pity . Or you can be a funny bitter , which inspires laughter , maybe empathy and even learning . It is a very fine line between the two . I asked my favorite visual artist I am related to to illustrate this . She did an awesome job . It is quite a task . I am definitely bitter . I hope I am funny . I am a 45 - year - old with Friedreich 's ataxia , a genetic disorder that slowly robs you of your coordination and muscle control . I use a wheelchair all the time . And I write . |
This was Helen 's favorite part of the sonata , the slow , measured rise and fall of the notes , the yearning , pleading sound flowing from her piano . Her eyes were closed in concentration when she heard the low growl of thunder in the distance . She lifted her hands from the keys and looked through the window . Her eyes were still sharp enough to see that the wind was spinning crazily through the trees , baring the pale undersides of the leaves and bending the stand of volunteer bamboo nearly to the ground . It was only five o ' clock on a summer afternoon - the Fourth of July , to be exact - but it was already dark , the sort of darkness that made the woods look at once foreboding and inviting . Helen loved a good storm , and she skipped the entire second movement of the sonata to begin the roaring , thundering third . It wasn 't until the rain began in earnest that she remembered the tools in the garden . She 'd planned to work out there again this afternoon , but the piano had seduced her on one of her trips through the house . The scuffle hoe lay on the ground near the thigh - high shoots of corn . She picked up the hoe , then turned in a circle , hunting for the shovel and trowel , shaking her head when she spotted them in a tangle of weeds . Had those weeds been there a few hours earlier ? They were popping up as fast as she could pull them these days . They raised their healthy green faces to the rain as she bent over for the trowel . She walked to the edge of the bamboo where Rocky was buried , and pulled a few weeds from around the boulder she 'd managed to roll on top of the fresh grave . She 'd nearly wrenched her back moving the stone , but she hadn 't cared . The vet had come out to her house to put the terrier to sleep only the week before , and she was not quite over it yet . She missed the wiry body leaping on her bed in the morning for a cuddle . She missed the way he would lie at her feet , no matter where she went in the house . She 'd wept and wept watching the vet dig the grave , as though all the losses she 'd endured in her eighty - three years had been encapsulated in the death of the little dog . Rocky had been her family since Peter 's death ten years earlier , becoming the object of her nurturing and the source of her affection . The loneliness in the house the past week had been a palpable force . The trees whipped around her shoulders as she stood up from Rocky 's grave , and thunder roared in her ears like a menacing animal lurking just out of sight . Something made her turn to look back at her house - that little miracle of wood and glass she and Peter had created more than sixty years ago - and suddenly the world turned white . Ice white . So cold it burned . Pain , everywhere . Above her , pink and blue dahlias bloomed in the dark sky before dropping their petals in a shower of sparks . She lay still for several minutes , waiting for the petals to fall on her , wondering why she didn 't feel them on her skin , until she realized it was fireworks she was seeing in the sky above her . Fireworks . The Fourth of July . The gardening tools . Weeds and rain . She couldn 't swallow . Couldn 't hear . Shouldn 't there be sound with fireworks ? She tried to lift her head to see exactly where she was , but the muscles in her neck were frozen . Maybe she 'd had a stroke . Oh , the pain in her chest ! Her head ! Maybe she 'd fallen and given herself a concussion . She squinted as tiny gold fish wriggled across the sky , disappearing in a pale orange mist . She tried to remember . There 'd been a storm . Thunder . The white light , sudden and blinding . She knew then what had happened , and she felt a keen sense of disappointment that the lightning had not simply killed her . It would have been a splendid way , a splendid time , to die . Her family was gone ; the last of her good friends had passed away a few months earlier . She 'd had a fine life . There 'd been sorrow , to be sure , but she 'd known deep and enduring love . Selfless love . She had known passion . And she had touched many lives . Perhaps she would die after all . She couldn 't get to the house , and it might be days before anyone came up here and found her . All right , then . She closed her eyes to the soundless spectacle of light above her and tried to will herself back into unconsciousness . The thought darted into her brain , and her eyes sprang open . The boxes in the attic . Why hadn 't she taken care of them ? She 'd meant to clean them out long before now . She couldn 't die yet , not until she 'd gotten rid of them . She tried to lift her head again , wincing with the effort , finally giving up . Was the house behind her ? To her right ? Left ? A dozen dahlias flashed in the air above her , and she stared at them numbly . Who would care enough to weed through those boxes ? Even if someone did , would they ever be able to put the pieces of the puzzle together ? Surely this was needless worry . Helen opened her eyes to see a young woman at her bedside , and once again she had to struggle to remember where she was . Spader Hospital . She 'd been here … , how long ? Days . She knew that much . The white light . She squinted at her visitor , trying to remember why the visage of this woman struck fear in her heart . Oh , yes . The social worker . The one who wanted to put her in some sort of home . " I know . " The social worker nodded , patronizing her . " I 'm sure in time you 'll be able to , but as we talked about yesterday , you 're going to need some help for a while . You have a badly sprained ankle and wrist as well as a concussion . And your blood pressure and heart rate are very unstable . You know what happens when you try to get out of bed . " Helen stared at her , afraid . The woman had rosy cheeks , a too bright smile , brown hair shaped like a bubble . She was somewhere in her midthirties , too young to understand that once you allowed someone to take over , you would never have control of your life again . She knew the social worker saw her as a stubborn old lady , set in her ways , making life difficult for those who thought they knew what was best for her . Worse , she had overheard the woman - or maybe it had been one of the nurses - talking about her in the hallway , saying something about her being " just an old woman who happened to be married to an important man . " They called her " demanding , " too . Every afternoon there was a thunderstorm , and she found she couldn 't bear the noise , the light . She 'd never been a fearful sort of person , but now the thick , swirling clouds of an approaching storm made her tremble . She 'd insisted that the nurses move her bed away from the window and pull the shades . " There 's a wonderful home not far from where you live . " The social worker spoke carefully . " It 's expensive , but you can afford it , I 'm sure . " Obviously the woman knew that the royalties from Peter 's music had left her more than comfortable financially , although no one would ever know it from the simple way she lived . " All right . " The social worker tried unsuccessfully to hide a sigh . " Let 's look at some other options , then . Do you have any relatives who might be able to help out ? " Helen shook her head . " My only living relatives are a granddaughter I haven 't seen in nearly thirty years and a great - grandson I 've never even met . They live way out in San Antonio . I wouldn 't think of imposing on them . " " I understand . But let me just give your granddaughter a call . I 'm sure she 'd like to know your situation , and maybe the three of us can put our heads together and come up with an idea . " Helen started to shake her head again but changed her mind . She was curious about her granddaughter . She 'd been cut off from Rachel since the girl was fifteen . There had been a few Christmas cards in recent years - enough to tell Helen about the grandson , Chris , and that Rachel was a high school teacher - but no other contact . Rachel would be in her early forties by now . " Rachel Huber , " Helen said . " My address book is at home , but you can try Information , I suppose . She 's on some street that begins with an S , I think . Some Spanish name , in San Antonio . But don 't you dare ask her to come here . I will not impose on that girl . " She wondered if she should say more , if she should tell the woman the real reason Rachel should not come to Reflection , but decided against it as the social worker rose to leave the room , looking a little smug . " I spoke with your granddaughter . I didn 't ask her to come , " she added quickly . " I promised you that . She suggested it on her own . She 's a teacher , but she 's taking this coming year off . Isn 't that one of those meant - to - be coincidences ? She said it would be wonderful to see you and Reflection again . I guess she grew up here ? " Helen stared at the woman , then held out her hand . " Give me her number . I 'm going to call her and tell her not to come . " " She wants to come , Mrs . Huber . She was very sincere . Actually , she sounded enthusiastic , as if she 'd been waiting for someone to suggest a way for her to spend the summer . When I told her you 'd still be here for a few days , that we need to track down the cause of your vertigo and all , she said she would drive out instead of fly . She sounds like the adventurous type . " Helen spent the evening trying to read , but it was hard to concentrate on her book with that scrap of paper resting on her bed table . Should she call Rachel , tell her it would be a mistake for her to come back to Reflection ? But oh , how she wanted to see her granddaughter ! What kind of person had Rachel grown up to be ? She picked up the piece of paper , studied it for a moment , then crumpled it in her hand . It might be selfish of her , but she would let her granddaughter come . She would let her think she needed her help . It would probably be a while before Rachel realized it was the other way around . She lay down again on the damp sheets . She was in West Virginia , she remembered . Somewhere near Charleston . She 'd arrived late the night before and barely noticed the nondescript motel room before falling into bed . For three days she 'd lost herself in audio books played on the car 's tape player . For three days she 'd kept herself from wondering whether she was making the right decision in going to Reflection . She had avoided thinking about her reasons for leaving that little town , but she knew those thoughts were scratching to be let in . The hurried footsteps had brought them back to her far too easily . It had happened on a Monday , that much she could remember . She knew she 'd spoken to the police afterward only because her parents told her she had . She 'd had to whisper , her father said , because she 'd screamed for so long and so hard after it happened that she had no voice left . The police couldn 't understand some of her breathless answers , and they made her write them down on small sheets of paper . She remembered those pieces of paper . They were square , pink . Odd how her mind chose to save one memory and discard another . For the most part , the memories didn 't disturb her . She knew that they should , though . She had known that for a long time . Who had said those words ? Over the past two decades they had played in her mind , coming to her at weird moments . She might be leaning over a desk helping one of her students with math , or folding the laundry , or making love to Phil . She didn 't know if the voice belonged to a man or a woman . Perhaps it had been one of the policemen or someone else whose path had crossed hers during those few terrible days . Or perhaps , her therapist had suggested , it was her own voice she was hearing . She remembered the rapid clicking of her shoes on Spring Willow Elementary School 's polished hall flooring as she raced toward her classroom . Sometimes even now , if she were rushing somewhere and heard that staccato rapping of her shoes , panic rose in her throat and she would have to slow down , change her pace , make the sound go away . When it was someone else 's footsteps , though , she had no choice but to wait them out . She didn 't recall making the decision to go to her cousin Gail 's in San Antonio after it happened . She knew from what her parents had told her that she herself had made the decision once Gail offered to take her in , but she had no idea what pros and cons she had weighed . Her mind had been numb , full of holes and blurry , dreamlike images that made no sense and carried no emotional weight . Was it fear that had driven her away from Reflection ? She couldn 't say . She had simply followed the advice of others blindly . It was all she 'd had the strength to do . Gail , who was seven years her senior , had insisted she be in therapy . Rachel couldn 't remember the therapist 's name or what she looked like , but she did remember some of the things the woman had said . For the first few sessions Rachel did nothing but cry . That was good , the therapist said . Let it all out . Rachel was ashamed to tell her that her tears were not for the children or even for her husband , Luke . Her tears were over Michael , the man she loved and would never be able to have . " Ah , " said the therapist . " You 're transferring your pain over Luke and the children to a smaller loss in order to make it more tolerable . " But the therapist was wrong . Rachel didn 't intentionally evade the therapist 's many attempts to get her to talk about the children . She simply couldn 't remember them . The students were a blur to her , and she knew she had to keep them that way . She couldn 't bring herself to take too close a look at them , to remember details like a smile , or blue eyes , or scattered freckles across an upturned nose . And she was ready now , or she would have to be . The call from the social worker had shocked her at first . Go back to Reflection to take care of an old woman who was essentially a stranger to her ? But the timing of the call was serendipitous . Phil was gone . Chris was home for the summer but thoroughly involved with his friends . She 'd taken time off , intending to get herself back in shape , physically and emotionally , after this difficult year . She could do that as easily in Reflection as she could in San Antonio . And so she 'd said , " Sure , I 'll come , " responding with the same detached calm that always accompanied her thoughts of her hometown . It was as if she 'd been expecting that phone call , waiting for someone to tell her it was time to go home . She 'd looked forward to the drive . It had been a while since she 'd traveled on her own , and she found herself altering her route , intentionally getting lost , exploring places not on her itinerary . She 'd brought her bicycle with her , and she took it off the bike rack a few times to ride through an intriguing town or speed along a path by the side of a river . She liked having time to think . Yesterday she 'd come up with a way she could give something back to her hometown . She would contact the schools to see if she might be able to tutor students who needed extra help , on a strictly voluntary basis . The thought pleased her enormously , easing something inside her that had long needed easing . It was quiet outside her motel room , and she got out of bed . This would be her last day on the road . She took a shower and dressed , then bought a newspaper in the motel 's sundry shop before walking across the street to a restaurant . She ordered cereal and bananas , spreading the paper out on the table while she ate . She grimaced at the picture on the front page . Rwanda , again . The devastation in the refugee camps . Adults with empty eyes . Sick , starving children . She had lived in Rwanda once , teaching in the Peace Corps in the early seventies . Even then the country had been in turmoil . She stared at the blank faces of the children . They could be the sons and daughters of children she had taught back then . It was one o ' clock when she pulled her car off the road at the crest of Winter Hill , and for the first time she felt certain she 'd made the right decision in coming . She was not the superstitious type , but when she 'd reached the Pennsylvania border a few hours earlier , the classical station she was listening to played Peter Huber 's Patchwork . It was her favorite of her grandfather 's compositions , and it felt almost as if he were talking to her , winking at her the way he used to do when she was small , saying , " Welcome to your home state , Rachel . " Rachel doubted this view had been much different then . The barns and silos and farmhouses had been repaired and painted or in some cases replaced . But the three sky - touching churches had stood near the pond for a hundred years . The gray flagstone , the largest of the three , was the Lutheran church she had attended as a child . Across the street stood the Mennonite church , its white clapboard image perfectly re - created in the pond 's mirror . She couldn 't recall the denomination of the third church , the diminutive brick chapel , but from this distance at least it was as charming as the others . Reflection had been an old and crumbling little town even when Rachel was small , but from up here it was lovely , the sight of it comforting . In the distance , several miles west of town , the boxy shape of Spader Hospital rose out of the trees . Rachel looked at her watch . She had an hour before she was supposed to pick up her grandmother . She got back into her car and drove slowly down the hill toward the town where she 'd grown up . Passing a farmyard , she noticed that the laundry line stretching between the house and barn was hung with blue shirts and black pants . An Amish family had lived in that house for as long as she could remember . Still no electrical cables or telephone wires in sight . What had she expected ? The Amish had endured in this area for two centuries , their way of life virtually unchanged . Had she thought they would succumb to modern times in the two decades she 'd been gone ? She began her tour on Water Street , the blue - collar neighborhood in the southern part of town . The street seemed narrower than Rachel remembered it , almost claustrophobic , yet she felt buoyed by the sight of it . The houses hugged the curb , and the steps of their wooden porches sagged , but for the most part they were well kept and freshly painted . Flowers and shrubs grew in every tiny exposed patch of earth between the buildings and the street . Many of the houses were duplexes . But there was one lone triplex , she knew , a few blocks closer to the center of town . She almost missed it . Someone had painted it robin 's - egg blue , and she found she couldn 't quite remember what color it had been when it was her home . Something neutral - beige or white or gray . The blue was outrageous , but she liked it . She parked her car across the street and studied the building . The two doors on the left were close together ; the third was set apart . Fitting . She 'd never thought of that before . The first door had belonged to her family , the second to Luke 's . Her parents had moved into the building within days of Luke 's parents , and pregnant Inge Huber and pregnant Charlotte Pierce had become fast friends . When their children were born - a girl to Inge , a boy to Charlotte - their mothers kidded that they would marry one day . Rachel and Luke 's future was set at their birth . What a beautiful boy he 'd been . Dark - haired , blue - eyed . Rachel couldn 't remember a moment in her childhood that Luke had not been a part of , that she had not felt his nearness . They would bounce out their front doors and be pulled together as if they were magnetized . Even at ten , eleven , twelve , when most boys were avoiding girls as if they would suck the life from them if given the chance , Luke and Rachel had been inseparable . Rachel hugged herself , grimacing against the nostalgia . After graduating from college , she and Luke had followed their mothers ' plans and married . And Michael Stoltz had been their best man . The Stoltz family had moved into the third apartment of the triplex when Luke and Rachel were seven years old . Michael had just gotten his first pair of glasses , and that about summed him up . He was a slender , gawky child , shorter than most of his classmates , annoyingly bright and adored by his teachers but not well accepted by his peers . Perhaps it was because Luke and Rachel lived so close to him that they saw something in him the other children missed . He was a valuable friend , and by the time Rachel was eight or nine years old , she and Luke could no longer imagine going off together without inviting Michael to come along . Still , although they were a threesome throughout elementary school , in high school no one ever doubted that the bond between Luke and Rachel was based on more than friendship . She and Luke would fix Michael up with a date from time to time , but nothing ever worked out for long . He was not bad - looking , but he was still skinny , and that combined with his bookishness made him invisible to the eyes of adolescent girls . Where was Michael now ? When she 'd left Reflection , he 'd still been in Rwanda with plans to teach in Philadelphia once he was out of the Peace Corps . And he was married to Katy Esterhaus , the one girl from their high school who could match him for brains . Ahead of her , the small , circular park that stood in the center of town came into view . The streets of the town fell away from the wooded circle like curved , misshapen spokes of a wheel . The park looked denser and greener than she remembered , and Rachel found herself averting her eyes from it as she drove past . Somewhere in that lovely little circle , scattered among the oaks and maples , stood ten weeping cherry trees , planted shortly after she 'd left . Her parents had told her about the trees in a letter . She 'd been living in Gail 's apartment in San Antonio for a couple of months by that time , and she 'd locked herself in the bathroom with the water running in the tub so that her cousin would not be able to hear her sobs . Her parents had also told her about the stone memorial erected in the park to make certain that no one , not her generation or the generations to come , would ever forget what had happened to their children . Rachel drove through the center of town , past the old Starr and Lieber Bank building with its beautiful curved stone facade , past the huge Victorian house that served as the library . She came to the pond and immediately broke into a smile . Stopping the car close to the curb , she glanced at her watch again . It was too late . She would have loved to get out and walk around the narrow path circling the water . Huber Pond . Named after her grandfather , Reflection 's major claim to fame . The forest surrounding the eastern half of the pond had once been her playground , and it was as thick and dark as she 'd ever seen it . She and Luke and Michael had loved those woods . They 'd play for hours in them , building forts or pretending to be pioneers . Whatever game they played , it held an element of fear , because they knew that deep in the woods lurked the " bat woman , " the odd , spooky woman who lived in a rundown , overgrown old cottage there . She was like the witch in Hansel and Gretel , they thought , eager to shove little children into her gaping black oven . They dared one another to visit her , jumped out at one another from the woods yelling , " Bat woman ! " They threatened one another with being dragged to see her . But none of them ever ventured into that part of the woods , and sitting in her car , Rachel wondered if the woman had been a figment of their collective imaginations . Even though it was getting close to the time she was to pick up her grandmother , Rachel felt compelled to get out of her car to look at the statue of her grandfather , set close to the edge of the pond . She had forgotten what he looked like . His heavy brows and round , wire - rimmed glasses gave his face a serious look . His beard and mustache were neatly trimmed . She was moved by the handsome bronze image of him . Peter Huber , 1902 - 1984 . He had died eleven years after she 'd left home , but she had not seen him since she was fifteen , in 1965 , when her parents had forbidden her to have any contact with either of her grandparents . She 'd bump into them from time to time in the little town , occasionally exchanging furtive hugs or pained greetings , but that had been the extent of her contact with them . She remembered her grandfather as a kind man , quiet and gentle . Even as a child , she 'd imagined his quietness was due to the fact that his brain was always working , always creating . When he 'd sit down at the piano , his house would fill with the rich , smooth sound of his music . She wished she could have known him from an adult 's perspective . She doubted she would have the chance to get to know her grandmother in that way , either . The social worker at the hospital had described her as quite frail and very depressed . Rachel 's role this summer would be to care for a woman who was fading away . As Rachel walked back to her car , she suddenly turned and did a double take . The sign next to the pond , which had read HUBER POND all the years she 'd lived in Reflection , now read SPRING WILLOW POND . She stared at the sign for a long time . It made no sense . Why would they change it ? It would always be Huber Pond to her . The attendant in the hospital parking lot told Rachel to leave her car at the curb in the circular driveway , since she was only picking someone up . She parked carefully behind a horse and buggy , a little awestruck . She 'd grown up thinking that those buggies were a natural part of the landscape , but now the sight of one touched her . There were still people in the world staunchly committed to their principles . " Rachel . " Her grandmother lifted one arm toward her , and Rachel bent down to kiss the soft , cool cheek . The older woman gripped her hand as though she might never let go . There were tears in her eyes . " Hello , Gram , " Rachel said . She would not have recognized her grandmother . Helen Huber was still a pretty woman , with expressive blue eyes and high cheekbones , but her dark hair was now white and short . It was smoothed back from her face , which was terribly thin . She needed to eat . Good . Rachel had been in a cooking mood ever since school let out for the year , feeding herself entirely too well . Gram turned her head , and Rachel noticed the delicate , fernlike pattern tattooed onto her cheek , slipping beneath the collar of her blouse . A burn . The lightning . She shuddered . Her grandmother smiled . " My hearing 's quite keen , " she answered , and Rachel realized she had asked the question loudly . " And to be honest , I 'm feeling achy and old and ready to go home . But I 'm so , so happy to see you . " Her lower lip trembled , moving Rachel to bend low for another embrace . " I 'm pleased I had the time off . " She glanced over at her grandmother , at the feathery lines on her cheek . " Is the burn very painful ? " she asked . " What ? Oh , this ? " Gram touched her cheek . " No , not at all . They call it ' aborescent erythema . ' It 's not a real burn . It 's from where the lightning followed the pattern of rain on my skin . They say it will fade away soon . " She sighed . " The worst part is the dizziness . I 've fainted a few times . " She talked a bit about what had happened - the work in the garden , the white light - and then she fell quiet . Talking seemed like an effort for her , and Rachel felt the strain of silence in the car . Chattering to fill the void , she told her grandmother about her earlier tour through town , past her old house , and the older woman listened , nodding her head occasionally . " Phil died last October . " Rachel kept her eyes on the road . " He had leukemia . He 'd been sick for a while . " She knew she hadn 't mentioned Phil 's death in her Christmas card . She hadn 't seen the point . Rachel acknowledged the sympathy with a nod . She missed Phil 's strength and support . Their marriage had never been one of passion , but its foundation of friendship , caring , and tenderness could have sustained her forever . Eleven years her senior , Phil had been the principal in the school where she first taught after moving to San Antonio . She 'd poured it all out to him during her interview , trying to keep a cool head , a professional demeanor , as she described what had happened in her classroom in Reflection . He checked her references , talked to professors she 'd had in college , her supervisor in the Peace Corps . He believed in her , he said when he called to offer her the job , and she 'd had a hard time not bursting into tears . She 'd worked hard to prove him right in his assessment of her . She 'd taken classes at night to get a master 's degree in special education , and she had become a teacher other teachers turned to for guidance . For the last ten years she 'd taught emotionally disturbed students and French on the high school level , and she 'd won four awards in addition to being named teacher of the year in her school district two years ago . She owed Phil her self - confidence , her pride , and her ability to lay the past to rest and embrace the future . Her grandmother actually laughed . " No , although I was in San Antonio once when Peter had to go there . Interesting city . But no . I meant I 've gone through what you have . Taking care of a sick husband . Losing him . " " Yes . " Rachel had done most of her grieving for Phil while he was still alive , anticipating his loss . She had not cried once after his death , but felt his loss deeply , felt the unjustness of it . He 'd had so many plans for the rest of his life . She 'd withdrawn from her friends for several months , taking solace in food , parking herself night after night in front of the television . She was more than ready to change that pattern . " Well , his name is Chris , and he 's twenty years old and a very talented , wonderful kid . He 'll be a junior - a music major - at West Texas State this fall . " She felt the little pocket of worry in her chest begin to mushroom again . Chris was a talented , wonderful kid , but this summer he 'd hooked up with a group of neighborhood kids to form a rock band . He seemed obsessed with the band , his classical training forgotten . " Music is his first love , " she said . " He 's played piano and violin since he was small . " Now , of course , he was playing keyboard , singing in a voice that scratched its way through songs possessing no discernible melody . She had considered asking him , pulling him away from those new friends , but he never would have agreed to come . Besides , she would have been nervous about having him here . He knew very little about her past . Rachel jerked as though her grandmother had touched her with a live wire , and she could respond with little more than a nod . Yes , Chris was Luke 's son , and he knew it , although he 'd always called Phil " Dad . " Still , it shocked her to hear Gram say Luke 's name out loud , as if it were not a dirty word . Rachel explained that Luke had actually died shortly after his return from Vietnam from injuries he had received there . In many ways , that was the truth . She was not the type of mother to protect her child from pain , yet she couldn 't see what purpose would be served by spelling it all out to him . He never had to know . For a few weeks , though , he 'd talked about campaigning to have his father 's name added to the memorial , and Rachel was relieved when the idea died a natural death . " There 's a pharmacy and a grocery store right off Farmhouse , " Gram replied . " We 'll need some food . There won 't be anything to eat at my house . " Rachel had forgotten . No meat had been allowed in her grandparents ' house . And they 'd always worn canvas shoes , eschewing leather . They had been passionate about animal rights long before it was fashionable . , After returning to the car , she put her purchases on the backseat next to one of her suitcases . " I stopped up on Winter Hill this morning to admire the view , " she said as she pulled onto the road . " It 's exactly as I remember it . " " It 's a big brouhaha , " she said . " The owner has plans to develop it . They 're going to put two big office buildings on this side of the pond , and more than a hundred tract houses will be built where the woods stand now . " " No ! " Rachel felt the loss almost as if she 'd never left town . " You won 't be able to see the reflection of the church in the water , or - " " Oh , that 's not half of it , " Gram said with disgust . " Imagine what sort of traffic a development like that will generate . And those roads are used by the Amish with their buggies . The Amish and Old Order Mennonites will move out of the area - they 're talking seriously about it . They 're being run out . Their cemetery butts right up to the woods . The houses will practically be in their burial ground . And then we 'll have the golden arches and the colonel and his chicken , all of which Ursula Torwig , our new mayor , thinks will be wonderful . She 's all for growth . People are fighting it . I 've got my fingers crossed somehow it 'll all work out . " Gram laughed again . " She 's twenty - some years younger than I am . Only around sixty . But she was never well , exactly . Never quite right in the head . " " Well , I 'm not so sure she is . She has two nephews , though , who seem to be running things . She 's in a nursing home now , and the boys are handling her affairs for her . And they 're shrewd all right . " Gram let out a long sigh . It seemed to Rachel that she was about to say more , but then she leaned her head against the seat back , closing her eyes as though she planned to sleep , and Rachel decided to let the subject die . She was eager to see her grandparents ' house again . The triplex she 'd lived in was close to the heart of Reflection , while the wood - and - glass house her grandparents had built for themselves was nestled in a patch of forest two miles outside of town . Rachel had loved riding her bike out there a couple of times a week to visit them , and nearly every Sunday she would go with her parents to Gram and Grandpa 's for dinner . That was before the forced estrangement . Suddenly , her parents announced that Rachel could no longer see them . Her grandparents were involved in " illegal activities , " they said , which couldn 't be condoned . Nor could they put themselves and Rachel at risk by being associated with them . Rachel had felt very young and naive . Obviously , the whole situation was over her head . She couldn 't imagine her smart and loving grandparents involved in anything criminal , nor could she understand her parents cutting ties with them so abruptly , regardless of what they 'd done . Twice Rachel had ridden her bike out to her grandparents ' house after being told to avoid them . She 'd hidden in the heavy woods and watched as young men drove in and out of the yard in their beat - up old cars or on motorcycles . Some of the men looked scruffy and scary , others were clean - cut , but none of them were more than three or four years older than she was . It saddened her - angered her really - that these guys had access to her grandparents when she didn 't . And what was going on inside the house ? She hedged away from that thought , unwilling to accept the most obvious explanation - her grandparents had somehow gotten themselves involved with drugs . Her parents refused to discuss the matter with her . " Listen , Rachel , " she said softly . " When your parents died , cartons of their belongings were delivered to my house . No one had an address for you at the time , or I would have made certain they were sent on to you . There were many boxes of things that I just didn 't have time to deal with . It was ten years ago , when Peter was very ill . I had someone carry them up to the attic . They 've been there ever since . You 're welcome to go through them . " " I really don 't know . They 're on the north side of the house , the side that faces the vegetable garden . There are dozens of boxes up there , but the ones from your family all have your father 's name marked on the side . " Rachel turned the car into the driveway and drove up to the familiar contemporary - style house . A newspaper lay in a plastic bag on the front step , and Rachel smiled . " Do you still get the New York Times delivered on Sundays ? " she asked . Rachel 's eyes were drawn to the bird feeders hanging from the eaves above the porch . More of them hung from the trees standing in the yard . " You still have all the bird feeders ! " she said . " I try to keep the birds out front here and away from the garden , " Gram said . She pointed to the rear of the house . " You can just pull around back , " she said . " If you like , you can keep your bicycle in the shed . " Gram shook her head . " I 'll have to give up on it for this year . I got everything in and growing , but when Rocky - my dog - got put down , I lost some of my steam , and now with this … " She waved her bandaged hand toward her well - wrapped ankle . Rachel could see the tomato plants in cages , the row of lettuce nearly buried under a tangle of green . It had been years since she 'd taken the time to plant a garden , and here was one already planted for her . " It looks salvageable , " she said . " I 'd enjoy working in it . " Inside , nothing had changed . The two pianos , still nested together , reigned supreme in the living room , the huge window behind them filled with the green of summer . The old couch - could it really be the same couch covered in the same ivy - print fabric that she 'd sat on as a teenager ? - was plush and inviting . Floor - to - ceiling windows brought the outdoors inside , and those patches of wall not made of glass were lined with books . Rachel had forgotten that about her grandparents ' house . Bookshelves adorned every room , even the kitchen and bathroom . And there was a library with a fireplace . She peered around the corner to try to see into that room , but the angle wasn 't right . Rachel stroked her hand across the ebony lid of one of the pianos . Nothing had changed , and yet something seemed wrong , out of place . She couldn 't put her finger on it . Her grandmother looked at her . " I don 't like people doing things for me , " she said . " I 'm not used to it . Makes me feel old and useless . " The linen closet was filled with white sheets , stacks of them , neatly folded , and Rachel enjoyed making up her grandmother 's bed with them . The bedroom was only vaguely familiar to her ; she had not been in it often . It was large and square , the furniture made of solid , unadorned pine . Two comfortable - looking chairs rested in front of a picture window , and a huge cedar chest sat on the floor at the foot of the bed . " No . I 'm so tired I could sleep with an elephant lying on my head right now . " She clutched Rachel 's hand . " I feel like I 'm dreaming that you 're here , " she said . Tears glistened in her eyes again , and Rachel leaned over to kiss her forehead . After leaving the room , Rachel made up the full - sized bed in one of the other two bedrooms , the one nearest Gram 's so she would be able to hear her in the middle of the night . This room was filled with antique oak furniture , an anachronism in the contemporary house . Rachel put away her clothes , then found herself drawn to the aging books on the bedroom 's wall of bookshelves . They must have been her grandfather 's collection . Hundreds of books about composers , musical instruments , politics , and puzzles . She 'd forgotten Grandpa 's addiction to puzzles . Crosswords , cryptoquotes . You couldn 't get him away from his puzzle books long enough for Sunday dinner sometimes . She wandered into the living room again . She remembered the beautiful painting above the fireplace - Reflection wrapped in a winter snow , the view from Winter Hill . She shook her head at the thought of that view disappearing under a developer 's bulldozer . Turning to the piano , she swept her fingers lightly across the keys . She had tried to learn to play as a child . With Peter Huber for a grandfather , it seemed terrible not to be able to play his compositions . But whatever talent Grandpa had possessed had skipped her generation and landed in the genes of her son . That 's what was missing , she thought . Music . She didn 't think she had ever been in this house when music was not playing , either on the piano or on a record . She hunted for a stereo and was surprised when she opened an old armoire and found a compact disc player and a large collection of compact discs inside . Somehow she had not expected Gram to be quite so modern . But here they were , at least two hundred discs in their plastic jewel cases . She pulled a few of them out . Lots of classical , lots of old folk - Pete Seeger , Woody Guthrie , Bob Gibson . There was a whole section devoted to various pianists and symphony orchestras playing Huber pieces , and Rachel wondered which were the best , which Gram would put on if she were awake . She rifled through them until she found Patchwork performed by the Academy of St . Martin - in - the - Fields , and she slipped the disc into the player and stood back to listen as the first few teasing , eerie notes filled the room . She smiled to herself . This was right . This was the way her grandparents ' house should feel . She went into the large , open kitchen and set an eggplant on the cutting board and began cutting it into slices . They 'd have eggplant Parmesan for dinner . She had a garden to weed , a grandma to pamper , and beautiful music all around her . She was very , very glad she had come . Lily Jackson arrived at the Hairlights Salon at around eight and let herself in . She started a pot of coffee , then took the petty cash from her purse and put it into the register . She nibbled on her cinnamon - raisin bagel as she poured herself a cup of coffee . Leaning back against the counter , she took a sip . This was her favorite time of day , when Reflection was just waking up and she had the beauty parlor to herself . She 'd already been up for hours . Ian had helped her walk the dogs - there were five of them this week , too many for her to handle on her own . Then she 'd helped him water the plants in his beloved greenhouse . She 'd crawled back into bed with him , snuggling for a few minutes before getting up and rummaging through her closet for something to wear . She 'd finally selected a long black skirt and vest and a white blouse . It was the only outfit she owned that would be appropriate for the funeral that afternoon . She saw the same people every morning on her walk from home . Arlena Cash on her way to her job at the bakery , where Otto Derwich had already been working for hours , filling the streets with the scent of baking bread and cinnamon rolls . She saw Sarah Holland on her way to the bookstore and Russell Martin heading toward the post office . She would often pass Sam Freed as he walked to his law office . Sixty - seven years old and one of Reflection 's three attorneys , Sam walked the four miles into town every day . He had a ready smile for anyone he met along the way . People had always been fond of Sam , but he was particularly popular these days . Marielle Hostetter and her nephews had tried to retain him as their lawyer in their fight to develop their land , but Sam had flatly refused to take them on . People respected him for that . Every morning Lily stopped in the deli for a bagel and a few minutes ' exchange with the cluster of regulars - other shop owners and store clerks , a few secretaries and bookkeepers and bankers . The people who revved up the town in the morning . They always gave her a warm greeting , asking her about Ian or the dogs and occasionally offering or soliciting a few tidbits of gossip . She liked that the other business owners treated her as if she were one of them , even though she 'd only owned Hairlights for a little over a year . She 'd been fired from the two other beauty parlors she 'd worked at . She had a problem with authority , her bosses told her . That was not news to Lily . When someone told her what she should do , she felt an immediate urge to do the opposite . So she 'd started her own beauty parlor . She 'd needed to sweet - talk her way to the loan at the bank , and she 'd worked on Polly for weeks before her friend agreed to split ownership of the business with her . But here they were , eighteen months later , with a healthy clientele and no one to answer to . Polly , Marge , and CeeCee arrived at the same time , as Lily was setting up her station and drinking her second cup of coffee . Polly was Lily 's age - twenty - eight - and CeeCee was twenty - three . They were singing " Love Shack " when they walked in the door , and Marge , who was nearing sixty and had the prettiest silver hair in town , looked ready to stick her fingers in her ears . Marge gave Lily a hug and a kiss on the cheek , as she did every morning . She would tell anyone who would listen that Lily had saved her by stealing her away from the last beauty parlor she had worked at . Marge was a boon to business . She brought in the older customers who loved having someone close to their age do their hair . Polly finally hung up and put her hand to her mouth . " You will not believe this , " she said . " Dad called Helen Huber to check up on her . You know , he put her dog to sleep a few weeks ago , and then she got struck by lightning and was in the hospital and everything ? " The air in the room suddenly seemed very warm , and a gray haze slipped across Lily 's field of vision . She felt as if she might pass out if she didn 't sit down . She steadied herself with a hand on the counter . " … your insensitivity , " Marge was saying . " How do you think those kind of jokes make Lily feel ? And here she is , getting ready to go to her uncle 's funeral today and all , and you 're joking about - " Polly approached her , touched her arm . " I 'm sorry we were joking about her before , " she said . " Really , Lil , I wasn 't thinking . " It was nearly three - thirty by the time Lily and Ian left her aunt 's farmhouse after the funeral service and headed toward the cemetery for the burial . Lily had not been close to her uncle , but she 'd felt a certain obligation to be there to represent her side of the family , and she 'd found the service moving in its simplicity . She 'd had trouble concentrating on the words of the people who spoke about her uncle , though . Her mind was too clogged with thoughts about Rachel Huber . Ian eased the car over one of the gentle crests in Farmhouse Road , and Lily shut her eyes at the blinding intrusion of sunlight through the windshield . She pulled down her visor and then could see the long processional of buggies ahead of them , a sinuous black snake stretching between their car and Reflection . Ian began riding the brake , and Lily wondered if they should have gone ahead of everyone else to the cemetery . But then she would have felt even more set apart from the others . As far as she knew , she and Ian had been the only people at the service to arrive in a car . Ian glanced over at her . " It 's slow going , but I think it 's better this way , " he said . " Makes you feel more like part of the family , doesn 't it ? " She smiled . " Yes . " She had long ago stopped marveling at her husband 's ability to read her thoughts . Ian was a magician - a professional magician - and there were times she was convinced he possessed powers other human beings didn 't . Lily sighed , thinking of the reserved man , her mother 's brother , whose body lay in a pine coffin in the horse - drawn hearse at the front of the procession . " I 'm not sure how knowable any of my Amish relatives are . They 've always treated me kindly , but I am my mother 's daughter , you know . " " Ruth the Rebel , " Ian said with some glee . He loved hearing about the adolescent adventures that ultimately led to Ruth Zook 's excommunication from her family 's Old Order Amish church and to the shunning he considered barbaric . Lily had tried to explain to him that shunning was not punishment but rather an incentive to bring those who had strayed back into the fold - although she knew her mother 's interest in the fold was nonexistent . Ruth was still alive , living in Florida . She would not have cared about attending her brother 's funeral even if she had been allowed to do so . " I bet she was like you , " Ian said . " Wild and crazy . I can 't picture you Amish , no way , no how . You 're too rowdy . Too earthy . " She smiled . Lily couldn 't imagine her mother wild and crazy , either , although at one time she must have been , at least by Amish standards . Ruth had been baptized into the church at the age of sixteen , a devout and pious girl , according to all who knew her then . But she 'd met a sweet - talking Mennonite clerk in the dry - goods store and had quickly gotten pregnant with Lily and her twin sister , Jenny . Unrepentant , she was excommunicated and banned by her community and family . Lily wished she 'd known that spirited girl . Ruth had become a sad woman , soured on life . " Not many , " Ian said . " Too expensive . The more trees they knock down , the more houses they can put up and the more money the Hostetters will have in their greedy little pockets . " Lily looked away from the woods , not wanting to think about their transformation from heaven to tract housing . She turned the air - conditioning up a notch , adjusting the vent so that it blew into her face . The heat had to be unbearable in those buggies . A dozen children immediately surrounded Ian , trotting along next to him as he and Lily walked toward the crowd . Ian grinned at Lily . He 'd been playing with the kids before the service , stunning them silly with magic tricks . With his dark ponytail and magician 's charisma , he 'd been an immediate hit , earning himself a group of little followers . When they reached the outskirts of the crowd some of the children walked over to their parents , but a few stuck close to Lily and Ian , standing quietly . Lily watched as four men carried the coffin , supported by two thick poles , to the open , hand - dug grave . She could see the backs of the men rounding as they lowered the coffin into the ground . Then she heard the thumping sound of dirt as the pallbearers began covering the coffin with earth . Jenny was buried in this cemetery . Lily glanced toward the far corner near the woods , where her sister 's plain headstone backed up to the trees . She 'd always taken comfort in the thought that Jenny was cradled in the protective green of those trees . The more trees they knock down , the more houses they can put up , Ian had said . Lily turned her attention back to her uncle 's grave . Midway through the burial , the men stopped and took off their hats , and a man standing near the side of the grave read something in German . Lily glanced around her . Meticulously manicured farmland surrounded the cemetery on three sides , and across narrow Colley Lane the forest provided a tall , thick shield from town . She tried to imagine the woods replaced by houses , built tightly together , each looking like its neighbor . No privacy for these mourners then . No privacy for the dead . Children would play on Jenny 's headstone . Lily 's eyes burned . These people would not fight well for themselves . It was up to others to fight for them , others like Michael Stoltz . She trusted Michael to know what to do . Everyone was counting on him . The dogs greeted them when they got home . Lily let them knock her over in the hallway of the small house she and Ian had been renting since they married five years ago . She didn 't bother to get up , just lay there on the floor , getting stepped on and licked and nuzzled , and laughing for the first time all day . " My woman 's laughing ! " He joined the dogs in their affectionate attack , tickling her until she was breathless . " We are extremely happy to see our woman laugh again , aren 't we , fellas ? " Lily lifted her arms through the crush of dogs to put them around Ian 's neck . She pulled the leather band from his ponytail , and his straight black hair fell on her cheek . " I love you , " she said , raising her head to kiss him . " Yeah , you 're laughing , but right here " - he touched the space between her eyebrows - " is this teeny tiny little line that you only get when you 're upset about something . Or have a bellyache . Do you have a bellyache ? " He slid one of his long - fingered hands under her skirt until it came to rest on her stomach . Lily sighed . " I found out something this morning , " she said . The floor was growing uncomfortable , but she liked Ian 's nearness and the warmth of the dogs at her head and side . " Rachel Huber is in town . " Missing his closeness , Lily reached for his hand . " It 's not anything to get all worked up about , I guess , " she said . " It just took me by surprise this morning . Shook me up a little . " " Sure it did . " He nodded . Ian had moved to Reflection as an adult . He didn 't have the memory of September 10 , 1973 , ingrained in his mind as most residents of the town did , and Lily never treated that date as if it were significant . Yes , she closed Hairlights on Reflection Day last fall - it wouldn 't have felt right to keep it open when all the schools and other shops were closed - but otherwise she pretended that the second Monday of September was just another day on the calendar . She didn 't even attend the Reflection Day observance anymore . But she knew that Ian understood how she felt . She touched his cheek . He always wanted to fix things for her , but some things were beyond repair . " I don 't know , " she said . " All I know right now is that she shouldn 't be here . She shouldn 't have come . People are " - she shook her head - " no one 's ever forgiven her . " They cooked and ate together , then took the dogs down to the small park near their house . They let their own three dogs run loose but kept the two foster dogs on leashes . She didn 't trust them yet . Too many foster dogs had taken off on her . Maybe tomorrow she 'd give them a chance . She was tired when she climbed into bed that night , but she couldn 't sleep . She listened to Ian 's even breathing for more than an hour before finally getting up and slipping on her robe . In the second bedroom , she stood on a chair to reach high into the closet for the old photograph album . She carried the album into the living room and turned on the light in the corner . The pictures she wanted to see were in the middle of the thick album . Spring Willow Elementary used to take class photos every year in each grade . There was her kindergarten class , 1971 , nineteen little students squinting into the sun , and Mrs . Loving , looking far too old to be managing a classroom of squirmy kids . Lily had been the squirmiest of them all . Her problems with authority had started very early . She was standing right next to Mrs . Loving , and it appeared that the teacher was gripping her arm , probably in an attempt to get her to hold still long enough to have the picture taken . On the end of the front row stood Jenny . The other children had refused to believe that she and Jenny were twins . Twins were supposed to look alike , they argued . Lily had been very blond , while Jenny 's hair was fine and dark and straight . Lily had been tall ; Jenny tiny . And Jenny knew how to hold still . She was the good twin , no doubt about it . The twin who got all " excellents " on her report cards , while Lily 's cards were covered with handwritten messages of doom and frustration from her harried teachers . Her class had been reduced to eighteen in the first grade because Danny Poovey 's family moved to Lancaster . The first - grade picture had been taken indoors . Miss Lintock stood with the boys in the back row . All eyes were wide , giving the children surprised expressions . Lily knew the name of every child in the picture , and she went over them , categorizing each : living , dead , moved away . Jenny wore a startled look in this picture , as though something had frightened her , and the image brought tears to Lily 's eyes . She wished she could pull that little girl from the photograph and hold her close , tell her that everything would be all right . A year after the picture was taken , Jenny and nine other children from that class had died , and in their collective sense of powerlessness , the citizens of Reflection had pinned responsibility for their deaths on the children 's young second - grade teacher , Rachel Huber . There was no picture of that second - grade class . Pictures had been scheduled to be taken in late September , and no one even thought to suggest taking a picture of that diminished class of children once the tragedy had occurred . There were no other class pictures in the photograph album , either , although Lily supposed they had been taken . She 'd asked her mother about that once , and her mother had replied that she didn 't want those reminders in the house . Lily had wanted to say , " But you still had a child in those pictures . " Of course she didn 't dare . Her mother had , after all , lost her good twin that day . |
He was gone . Out of the house , and with hope out of our lives . But my mother knew all too well that he would be back , and when he came back he wanted the house . For a few weeks my step - dad was gone , completely out of contact with anyone . He had told my mother he was leaving , packed some things , and left . They had been together for 15 years and just like that he was gone . I went on to graduate high school , on time might I add , which was a huge achievement . He had been with me throughout my journey whether he liked it or not , and when this beyond important date finally came he was not present . He had vanished just like that . One minute we were bonding over life and the next he had moved on . Deemed us no longer worthy to be in his life , just like that , with a snap of his fingers . When he came back he forced my mother into a corner , either get out of the house or pay him what he owned . His name was on the title , making him the half owner of the house even though my mother first purchased the house and paid it on her own for 3 years . My mother , still going through cancer treatments , decided she would just pay him off . What choice did she have ? She wasn 't going to let him take everything and get away with it . He was stubborn . Not for a million years did he think she would settle , and he came at her with everything saying that he owned more than he did . He argued over the money for months . My mother had to take out a loan in order to pay him back , and days before the closing fee was due he backed out . He said he refused to pay his part , so to get rid of him my mother paid his fee . All of this just to stay in our house , the only house I have ever known . Why did he do this , oh for the money of course . Part of this property he owned , and with that came money , even if it was a trivial amount . Later he came and took the rest of his things . His brother helped him move the stuff out , the brother that was closer to my mother than my step - dad . They took meaningless things , but it was still the act of coming into our house and removing items that I have grown up with . It was like I was reliving what I did years before with my father . I was losing memories , even if they were held in material items . My mother stood stoic on the front lawn as they removed piece after piece . I followed them around the house to make sure they weren 't taking things they weren 't supposed to . After the truck was loaded up they were gone . So why did he do all of this ? Why did he rip a family apart ? His reasoning was because he was finding himself , that this journey he was going through did not include us . He was adopted as an infant and grew up with these feeling of abandonment , then he had two children it turns out he didn 't want and in turn practically abandoned . These feelings are what he blamed for leaving . He added that he couldn 't handle our medical problems , that it was just too hard for him . So he left . My mother did more for that man than he ever deserved . He never opened up to her except in the end when he was looking for a scapegoat . My mother raised his children , fought battle after battle for him to have better custody , told him what to say to have a real bond with his children , paid for everything and anything all on her own even though she too was sick and struggling . She did all of that for him , so that he could have a good relationship with them . Well it turns out they were both mistakes that he never wanted . My mother 's last name revolves around Valentine 's day and she was born only 3 days after the holiday , so pretty much Valentine 's day was her day . In all 15 years he never once took her out or bought her a present . He viewed it as meaningless which meant he could care less . He viewed every holiday as meaningless . For Christmas my mother would go out and buy his children gifts so that they had something to open from their father . My mother did everything for him . In his weakest moments she was there to pick up the pieces . Well it turns out it was all for nothing . When the pressure was on him he couldn 't handle being a real man . He was a coward all along . He was cheating . All along it was another woman . All the lies that came out of his mouth were to cover his own ass to make him feel better . Apparently saying that you 're leaving because you need to find yourself makes the guilt less than saying what is really going on . Apparently that makes it all okay . The moment we knew was when he accidentally sent a check ( which was so small that it didn 't make sense , years later we figured out it might have been him sending money for the closing fee ? ) with his address on it . An address we looked up , which was owned by a woman , a woman who went to the same yoga studio as him , a woman he had wrote about in his yoga journal . She was younger than him , had her own house , and was on this spiritual journey . Just like he " was " . She was living the lifestyle he wanted , and unknown to us they ended up together . Both my mother and I drive by the house often since it is on a main road going to the local hub of the area . His ancient car sits in the driveway . The man that refused to buy anything found a new host to mooch off of . His charm is never ending and clearly she was as easily fooled as my mother . What he does is mooch off of people . He has this innate desire to save , save , save . For what ? We will never know . At this point he would have close or over a million dollars . Yet he has nothing to his name . He has a car that is falling apart , no property to call his own , no relationship with his only family , and no interest in marriage or anything . . He essentially has nothing . But yet he must think he has everything . He gets to live in another house , pay nothing , live the lifestyle he wants , and pretty much get away with murder . He left us . He abandoned us . A ran running away from his own turmoil with abandonment went and left his closest family . And he didn 't even care . He had a family that loved him and was working with him . Sure it needed some serious help but when something is worth it you never give up . And you never leave when he did with my mother still battling cancer and me struggling to get out of bed every day . The day he removed his things was the last time we heard from him . He has never contacted my mother . Contacting me would be a joke , I wasn 't even on his radar to begin with . That was 4 years ago and I have no doubt for the rest of our lives we will never hear from him again . It was another night of screaming . Another night of hiding behind my bed trying not to make a sound . They were going at it again , my mother and my step - dad , and I couldn 't help but listen . I heard the argument get more heated than ever , then the crash of something , then the footsteps upstairs . I quivered , I knew it was my mother . She came in and told me to stay in my room , that he had called the police on her . I waited in my room while the police came in and questioned everyone . Apparently my mother had " scratched " him when he threatening to call the police with the phone in hand . He had already dialed 911 and by the time my mother whacked it out of his hand they were on their way . The house was quiet after the police left . I went downstairs to stay with my mother and make sure she wasn 't going to do anything she would regret . He sat in the lazy boy chair my mother bought him . As my mother told me what happened in the kitchen he decided to make some sly comments from the living room , making it obvious for my mother to hear . He was egging her on just like he always did , and my mother still hadn 't calmed down from the incident right before . I stood in the doorway to the kitchen with my arms stretched out to block my mother from coming through . He made comment after comment , fueling my mother 's fire . As she was screaming at the top of her lungs I blocked her , I at least contained it to the kitchen . He sat in his chair , never leaving , just spitting fire . I screamed at my mother he isn 't worth it . I kept yelling it over and over and over again . Eventually I led my mother upstairs to her room and made sure she wasn 't coming out . The next week they were fighting yet again and I came downstairs to be a mediator . This was my role now , no matter how sick I was . Being the mediator came with the danger of failing , which I did many nights . This time though I screamed at him to leave , go to the movies or something . All he heard was leave and with this he was in my face spitting anger of how this was his house . Yet again a father figure inches from my face exploding . My mother quickly put herself in front of me and finished the fight without me . As time passed I started fighting back . I would spit fire right back at him . I would shake and cry and keep going until he shut up . I was done with him walking over everyone just because he was taking a different path . The fights were over many things . Mostly over me , or the financial situation . In his head my medical condition was a joke , that I was faking it . After all the years of him being a support . He literally carried me out of the house to be taken to the hospital . He saw how sick I was . He saw everything that had happened to me . He might have no been an active player in my life but he was there to see it all happen . The financial situation was grim with my mother on unemployment dealing with her cancer treatment and he well , he saved . He refused to spend any money . He paid half the mortgage and that was it . My mother 's half , even though she was fighting cancer , was still up to her to pay . This man said he was finding himself . When he came up short he took it out on my mother . Soon they just stopped talking all together . The house was a war zone with only a minute ceasefire put into place . As the months passed of the two of them not talking I actually surprisingly bonded with him . I had no one else to talk to so on nights when he was home we would talk . We talked about his life and his journey . At one point I even was happy for him because he deserved to be happy . I thought if he could find himself then he could mend the relationship with my mother and all would be well again . Plus with neither of them talking the house was quiet and the tension faded . A few weeks before my prom I was sitting on the sofa , my mother in a horrible mood , and I decided to make a sly comment . I remember saying , " god , what is up your butt today " . The most teenage thing to say of course . Little did I know that exact day was when he decided he was leaving for good . When prom arrived I still had no idea what was going on . My mother had composed herself and put on a happy face . My aunt came down to see me off to prom and enjoy this once in a lifetime experience . During pictures was when I realized he wasn 't present . I remember asking where he was , I wanted to take a picture with him . He had gone inside and eventually left for " yoga " . A week later my mother came to me and told me what was going on . He was moving out , he had already found a place to stay and refused to tell my mother where he was going . She told me she asked one night that it would be nice to see more of him , and that she missed him , his response was that he was leaving and ready to go . He told her during the week , and by the weekend he took only a handful of things and was gone . He took the drawers and emptied them into boxes , really only taking some clothes and some electronics . Then he was gone . When on the journey of finding oneself does ripping up others matter ? Does the cost of your happiness mean more to you than all the others around you ? Are you yourself doing what is actually right , or doing what you perceive as right ? I thought these things as he sat in front of me , no remorse in his face , no hint of pain in his eyes . He said he was leaving to find himself and he couldn 't find himself here . He said this is what he needed to do , and with that he walked out the door and walked out on a family that was left torn in half . My mother met my step - dad when she was with my father very early on and they all became great friends . Eventually my godfather was introduced and the final gang was formed . Everyone got married and had kids , and still stayed together as a pack . They vacationed together and hung out together , and when it was finally time for my mother to leave my abusive father they stayed with her instead of him . One after the other they all got divorced , and as fate saw it my mother ended up in a relationship with my step - dad . When my mother was able to she bought her first house and a few years later my step - dad moved in . I couldn 't be happier . He had two kids of his own my age and I grew up with them by my side . Of course he didn 't have custody so it was only on occasion I saw them , but during my summers off I bonded with them every moment I got . And I truly bonded to my step - dad since he was more of a father figure than my own dad . Together we formed this nontraditional family that just seemed to fit . In the early years the two of them seemed so happy together . It seemed like it was meant to be , that my mother after all of this time could be in a happy healthy relationship . But it was far from what it turned out to be . Year after year my medical condition got worse , and with that brought problems . Then when I finally took my father to court it was the last straw . The home life turned for the worst and the fighting started to spiral out of control . My teenage years I spent in my room , away from the nights where punches were practically thrown . My mother with her temper and my step - dad with his below the belt punches . There was no stopping them . The screaming would go on for hours and even when it was over he would go back for more . Neither of them were happy , but my mother insisted he was the love of her life . He was meant to be with her , and she was meant to be with him . Around the same time as my POTS diagnosis came the shocking news of my mother having breast cancer . I remember being in my room and they both come in , both with half smiles on their face . He leaned up against the wall and my mother sat next to me . She told me they had found a mass in her breast and it came back cancerous . I was in shock . How could this have happened to my mother ? She explained that it was only stage 1 and that it did not spread , but it was one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and she needed further treatment . My mother being who she is opted for just the radiation therapy and biweekly injections of a substance that would shut down the proteins of those cells . They pushed for chemo but opinion after opinion said that she didn 't really need to get it since it was only stage 1 and did not spread . They did want to give her a port though , which she said no to because then she would have to tell people since you could see the port . Without the port though her veins would be ruined . She accepted this fate if it meant she could hide this diagnosis from the world . She was fighting for her life and the only people she told was my step - dad and me . No one else in the family was told for her own sake , since then everyone would want to help her . My mother is the strongest woman I know and she didn 't want to be pitied . Telling people would just make them look at her weak , as someone who is now fighting for her life . She wanted nothing to do with that . After a botched tube was placed for her pinpoint radiation therapy she had to go back in for more surgery . Each time she would come home and my step - dad was in charge of helping her clean the open wound and helping support her . She was sliced and diced , and came home often with blood soaking through the bandages . She couldn 't come to me in her weakened state because in her eyes that was not right to show me , she had to be the caregiver , not the other way around . She never cried in front of me . She never broke down in front of me . The entire time I saw her as a fighter , which gave me strength to go on in my own fight . On top of everything else my mother was going through she was forced to resign from work because of the recovery period . In her mind it was the right thing to do , since battling cancer and holding a job in corporate America isn 't exactly the easiest thing to do . Plus this gave her the time to watch after me since I was also extremely weak and vulnerable . By the summer of my junior year of high school I saw less and less of my step - dad . I was told he was working late . He would roll in around 10pm and would be gone before I woke up in the morning . I always heard him come in since my window faces the driveway . And for about a year he was sleeping in the spare , apparently due to snoring ( which let me tell you he did . I heard him through the walls ) . Then it was because my mother didn 't want someone else in bed with her during the cancer treatment . Then it was just normal , they just didn 't sleep together . There was never any affection . It was a cold house of him just being there . It was either he was there and they fought or he wasn 't there and my mother would make excuses . That was now the norm . As my senior year rolled around and I was homebound yet again he came to us with exciting news . He had started yoga classes and joined the local YMCA . I was a little shocked honestly . This man was 6 ' 3 , easily almost 300 lbs , not exactly the yoga type . But that is what he wanted to do , and to keep him happy my mother supported him . As months went on his training took a more serious tone and he turned into this man that none of us knew . This man we knew was turning crooked . He had branched out of what either of us knew . The status quo was being challenged and he broke away from what was expected of him . But this left uncovered a dead man who wanted nothing more to reblossom . His life was yoga . There was nothing else . He decided he wanted to be trained to be a yoga master and yet again my mother supported him . He would come home with all of this weird information , come home saying that yoga can cure anything , come home saying that yoga would cure my mother of cancer and cure me of all my illnesses . He was crazed with the idea of being reborn . He wanted to cleanse his body of all evil spirits and be new again . He juiced like crazy , far more than recommended . He would fast for weeks in order to cleanse his body . Overall this large Italian man was turning into a husk of nothing . The light in his eyes was gone yet the smile on his face remained . The wrinkles grew along his thinning face . He was turning into a man that no one had ever seen before . There are always consequences to your actions , even if you are just a child . I didn 't know what was going to happen next in regards to my father , in my brain I guessed taking the initial action would be enough . I would never ever have to face him again , I wouldn 't have to fear what was coming next . But I was young , and I was oh so naive . The first round of court was focused on making my father out to be neglecting . Our first lawyer said the abuse claim wouldn 't hold up in court since there was no actual " abuse " . That was like a slap in the face , even our lawyer didn 't believe I was in danger . I was told what to say and how to say it , nothing which was actually true . Because I was a minor most of the talking was on my mother 's end since she held custody . But what doomed me was the fact I verbally agreed to do week on week off with my parents and both of them signed . Although it was not court officiated it was used against me that first round . We couldn 't even take the case past the lower judge since my lawyer royally screwed us over . So at the end of this I was forced to see my father as I was before and if I didn 't they would hold my mother in contempt of court . But to my surprise my father didn 't want me . He of course didn 't say it in front of a judge because if he said that then the all mighty dollar would come back into play . By stating he didn 't want me he would be forced to pay child support . I couldn 't stand to be around him . And worst of all he was trying to make it seem like nothing happened , that I was overreacting to the entire situation . I would be lectured over and over . The family outing tripled . The car rides were excruciating . I had nowhere to hide . I was trapped and that was that . If I didn 't do everything he wanted I was psychologically messed with . The family friend would make comments about me to my face , then trade off to my father who would mock anything I do . The two openly discussed how horrible my mother was and that I was just like her . It was never ending . Then on top of that my father was pushing me further and further into the school nightmare . He would watch every homework assignment I had to complete . If I didn 't complete it to his likings well I better do it again , and again , and again . There was no asking for help . I did it right the first time or I was a failure . This was drilled into me until I broke down inside and knew I was a failure who would never be smart enough . When I went to my mother for a second time I asked her if we could pursue the custody issue again but this time with a different lawyer . This time we won , we pursued the abuse issue and the courts dissolved the matter of me going there every week . My mother and him discussed on the phone how I would come over on weekends like before , and no fight was to be had . Those weekends were painful . Those weekends I shut off , I couldn 't stand to be in that house . I eventually stopped going because my father 's rage was clearly building again , and if he exploded in front of me again I just don 't know what he would have done . When my mother went to the court to have child support put back into place my father lost it . He was threatening my mother in front of two lawyers and a judge . Even his lawyer screamed at him to shut up but with no success . The last time I saw my father was that last day in court . He sat next to us waiting to be seen and tried to talk to me like it was any other day . He was unapologetic . He still thought I was making everything up . He truly believed my mother was the one doing all of this and that I was just following her lead . He had no idea what he had done and what he was doing . I haven 't actually had any contact with my father since then , he had contacted me on three occasions and that was when he was about to go to jail for not paying child support . Every single time the bill was due he wouldn 't pay and when I turned 18 he just stopped paying all together even though in his marriage contract he signed to pay support until I was 23 no questions asked . He is currently 9k in arrears . For years after the last battle he would claim he was disabled and completely broke so that the court would pity him . He would show up with no shoes on and a walker , saying that his health is so horrible and he hasn 't been able to afford shoes in 20 years . He would fake a variety of ailments all to get his cost lowered . He would show up on purpose without any paperwork that the court ordered . The same man with a record collection worth over 100k . The same man with two cars . The same man that collects artwork from around the country . The same man that travels around the country for leisure . By the end of it all he was paying less than $ 200 a month for me . And even that was so much for him . For his own child with medical problems I was worth $ 200 , and even then not even worth that much because he didn 't pay that money . The realization came to me years down the line that my father put on a charade just to get out of paying child support , but the game he was playing was my life and to him I was just a puppet . He was vindictive . A year after contact was shut off he went into my college fund and withdrew 10k , the entire amount he had saved for me while I was living at his house . Because of the plan we had that 10k would be so taxed that you were lucky if you got back 1k . It was a slap in the face . Even without him in my life he would torment me . He called me on two occasions before court appearances saying he was on his " way out " and that we should " hug one last time " . His reason behind his so called death , a minor blood clot in his leg that was so minute not even the doctors would write him a note for the courts . He called again saying practically the same thing , just a different excuse . And when I cut off my father I also cut off that entire side of the family . They knew how my father was , they saw what he would do and how he behaved . But I lost them too . A grandmother , an aunt , two uncle , and two cousins never to be heard from again . They could have reached out to me , and honestly I could have reached out to them but we didn 't . The life with him as my father left me scarred , left me emotionally broken and in therapy for years but I regret none of it . What I did that day was something I needed to do on my own . It was the first time in my life I made a decision by myself for my own wellbeing . There are still days where I look back and question everything that happened , questioned if I did the right thing . But every time , even if it takes weeks to come to this conclusion , I realize that I did do the right thing . Someone who takes you for granted and abuses your trust , mental wellbeing , physical wellbeing and uses you as an object has no business being in your life . When I tell people my story I always get the " daddy issues " label and it boggles my mind . I think at the end of the day people need to dig deeper into who is in their lives and even if it their own flesh and blood realize that it is not okay to be abused . It takes real courage and strength to exile an entire side of the family . It will haunt you forever . The emotions that come with doing this will cause all sorts of conflictions in your thoughts . My mind always creates scenarios where my father is a decent human being , where he isn 't the man that shaped who I was for the longest time . I have created my own defense mechanism where I just block out the painful memories . When I go to search for them they are no longer there . My mind becomes a wasteland and with that comes peace . I try my hardest to rid my mind completely of him , but what he did left battle scars that will never heal . As the weeks with my father deteriorated year after year , so did our relationship , well if you can even say we had a relationship at all . By the time high school rolled around I was practically tip toeing around the house . Anything I said could and would be used against me . The slightest bit of disagreement would lead to a meltdown on my fathers end . During my sophomore year in high school I was struggling in math and for that reason had a private tutor . It all came to a boil one night when I realized I needed a calculator for my test in school the next day . I went downstairs to ask my father if he had a spare I could use , and when I told him the reason for needing it he started to unravel . He was yelling that I was going to fail , that because of one stupid mistake my entire math career was over , that because of this one thing I wasn 't going to get into college . I retreated to my room for cover as I usually did , until I heard my father yell that he was going to call my tutor . He did and started shouting that it was his fault . This switched over to saying his prices were too high . Then switched over to how my mother is a useless piece of shit . By this time I was downstairs again begging for him to get off the phone . I was petrified that he was saying this to my tutor . The family friend told me to go upstairs and close the door , she of course was going to try and calm him down . I waited in my room , listening to my father explode . I could hear things smashing downstairs . I could hear the family friend screaming back . My father 's voice started to crack , instead of being his normal tone it was higher . It was him breaking down to his very core . I sat at my desk with my phone in hand shaking . I was scared , truly and honestly scared . Every bang I jumped , every scream a tear rolled down my face . Then it happened . The family friend burst into my room , tears falling from her eyes . My father silent downstairs . She came over to me and hugged me . She was saying sorry over and over and over again . Then you hear the stomping . He was coming up the stairs . He burst into the room , she was screaming for him to get out . She sobbed as his face neared hers . He left , slamming the door shut . To protect us both she pressed her body weight against the door . We were both crying hysterically at this point . My father was ballistic . From the other side of the door he was screaming that my mother was a lying bitch . She was worth nothing . That she ruined him . That all she wants is money . He called her every name in the book , saying that my then step - dad was the reason for all his despair . With every word he banged his fist against the door , the friend pushing with all of her might to keep him out . When she couldn 't any longer he was there , in front of me , practically foaming at the mouth . His fists were inches from my face and I was now my mother . In his eyes there was no difference . He was yelling at me like I was her . My mind went blank . I sat there as the world seemed to fade around me , my father 's hands blurred , the sobbing in the room disappeared . In that moment I was gone . And then it was over . He left . She left . I was there alone . The faint quivers from my father could be heard from downstairs . I sat there for a while . Not moving , not sure what to do . If I moved he might hear me , and if he hears me he might come back . So I sat as still as a statue . After about an hour I snuck an email to my mother , her reply was pack as much as I could into my backpack as I could and act normal until I left for school the next day . Hours after the explosion my father came into my room . He comes over to me . He forcefully hugs me . He says " that needed to happen , you needed to hear that " and leaves . I packed my essentials and as much clothes I could fit in my backpack and went to bed . I didn 't cry that night . I didn 't think of what had happened . I only thought about getting out . My only goal was to get out of that house safely . The next morning no one was awake to say good morning , no one was awake to tell me good bye . I walked in the dark to the bus stop and waited . I went through school like a normal day . I told no one what happened , and when it was time to take the bus home my mother was there to pick me up . We drove to a parking lot close to school and she asked me if I wanted to do this . I was ready . I was ready to leave that house and I was ready to pursue legal action to do so . From here we drove to both counties my mother and my father lived in and told the police what happened . We also did this to notify them he has a history of physical violence and that there is a strong likelihood he will show up at my mother 's house expecting me to come back with him . When we got home my mother called him letting him know where I was and that I was not coming back . Within 20 minutes the family friend was dropped off at my mother 's door and was trying to negotiate a peace treaty . She kept insisting to see me . My mother kept me away . After no success my father picked her up and we didn 't hear from him for a while . In a weeks ' time my mother negotiated a way to pick up my stuff from his house , not realizing this was going to be a permanent removal . When I went to pick up my things no one said a word to me , in fact no one really looked at me . I was able to take my remaining clothes but that was about it . My computer was there , my bedspread from my mother 's house that I had since I was a young child , family keepsakes , all my childhood toys . I was leaving behind so much and it broke my heart . I knew this would be the last time I would be in this house . I knew even though just material objects , I was leaving behind a part of myself . What happens when good intentions cause immense suffering and betrayal ? What happens when you are protecting your loved ones and yet causing battle scars that last forever ? The warning signs were all around me , the red flags signaling at every turn . Who was my father really and what have I gotten myself into ? At my mother 's house I saw actions that were the norm , drinking alcohol at nights , prescription medication for the variety of medical issues everyone suffered , and regular arguments between family members . When translated my father 's house was no different . But when critical information was withheld I didn 't realize what was happened was the beginning of something much worse . To protect her daughter my mother never told me my father was an alcoholic and drug abuser . She never told me of his anger issues , never told me of marriage from hell , never told me of the abuse my father inflicted upon other women in his life . I was none the wiser to his actions . I never thought to tell my mother of any red flags because things seemed similar . When a child sees one parent doing an action if the other repeats then why would that cause alarm ? I was already uncomfortable staying at my fathers and knew if I said anything the consequences would spiral out of control . I was already losing control of myself and my life , I couldn 't stand to lose even more . Staying at my father 's house as a recently puberty ridden young woman was tough . My body was changing and the support given to me was just uncomfortable . At school I was being sexually harassed . I was a late bloomer in my physical appearance which caused a group of older boys at my school to harass me . They would follow me around , comment on my mosquito bites , make remarks that I must clearly be a boy , talk about actions similar to rape in regards to me , and call my home phone until we were forced to unplug the cord . Day in and day out the remarks were shouted at me , isolating me even further from my peers . The stares others would give me made me feel so alone . The backlash I projected alarmed even more of my peers . The harassment was making me the weird one . When I sought comfort with my father his responses were awkward . He would reply with " I always found small boobs on women attractive " , as if that was to comfort me . I confided in him before my mother , and with the awkward response I never told my mother in fear her response would be similar . It was not until the day they called my mother 's house phone literally all day right after the other that my mother went straight to their parents . She had no idea what was going on and when reported to the school it stopped . Legal action was threatened finally on my mother 's part before the sexual harassment completely stopped . I stopped going to my father after this for any help on how I was feeling . The tension at his house was already growing . The former family friend with the beach house moved in and acted much as a second mother towards me . As the migraines progressed so did the harassment at his house . When I had a migraine one of them would burst in and make a comment . At his house my room did not have a locked door and he refused to put one on . There was no knocking , no simple voice spoken to make me aware someone was coming in . Just the burst and my door wide open . On many occasions I would be changing and there I was out in the open for either to see . On days I had a migraine I laid in bed hoping no one would come in , usually without success . Someone always felt the need to say suck it up or get up you 're faking it . Soon the comments turned to anger and I would be screamed at while in bed with a migraine . I hated it there . No one believed I was in pain , and no one believed anything I said . The fact was that no one at that house was taking care of me . At first the transition was successful and privacy was respected , meals provided , a caring and comforting environment for me to grow up in . In a matter of just months that all left . Where there was once family dinners now laid empty tables and empty fridges . If I was hungry I would scrounge for anything in the house , soon I was strictly eating the dollar noodles . My father , preparing for cycling , would starve himself and with that starved me . In the fridge lay a pack of carrots and alcohol . If you were hungry you would snack on the carrots , which at the time I hated . When I brought this up to my mother she would give me money to go to the local store for food and continuously yell at my father for not cooking . He tried on and off , he tried to be there for me but the effort was fading . Grilled cheese became a regular item for me and when food was cooked that I didn 't like a fight would breakout . I would apparently throw my nose up and disrespect what was put in front of me . When I was excused from the table someone would follow me upstairs and yell at me . You might blame this on me being a picky child but what once was little a scolding were turning into fights that made you fear for what would happen next . The red flags were surfacing at even a faster pace now . On multiple occasions my father would walk to the bathroom naked , which you must understand my room was right outside the bathroom and the hallway was not long . Every time he would act shocked that I was there , but how could you not know I was there with my door open ? The comments were being made left and right about my weight . " You can 't eat that , it will go straight to your thighs " , " Once you turn 13 its all downhill , eat what you can now " , " Skipping a meal might be good for you " . The lack of approval was also fading . Nothing I ever did was good enough for my father . I excelled in school despite my constant absence . When I came to him and told him about my success I was told it was not good enough and to do better . If I had an A I should have an A + . If I wasn 't perfect I was failing . This created this gap in my brain that fostered and grew into something I still deal with today . This constant reminder that I am not good enough , between my appearance and my performance . I was putting up more walls , creating more barriers between me and other people . The little friends I did have were fading . When I was allowed to go out I hung out with the bad crowd , I was a bystander to my own life . I was there with a group of people who accepted me coming from their own troubled home life . I was always asked by my teachers why I hung out with " those " kids , that I was better . I didn 't know I was better , in my mind I was worthless . Who cared if I was a straight A student hanging out with the middle school drug addicts , at least they seemed to care about me . When high school rolled around most of the people I hung out with went to the tech school or they were forced into private schooling leaving me friendless . The friends that did transition to high school with me ended up abandoning me for being weird . Even the troubled kids thought I below them . Eventually I was accepted into the nobody crowd , those kids that didn 't fit into any sort of clique . Even though I was accepted it didn 't mean I would be welcomed . I was still an outsider even amongst them . By the time I was entering middle school and diagnosed with migraines officially the home life started to get a bit rocky . The summer of 6th grade everything changed . I was with my father for an extended amount of time and he decided to go down the Jersey shore with me . A family friend , sometimes girlfriend , sometimes not had a bungalow down the shore . It was quaint and just a few blocks from the beach . I loved going down there to roam the town on my own , even though I was only 11 I was given the freedom to do as I please . Times down the shore were exciting with my father , he would often just give me quarters to go to the arcade by myself or plan exciting day trips as a group . I hardly knew my father even at this age , all he was to me was someone who wanted to have fun . The times we spent together were not spent in conversation but in activities . I had no obligation to talk to my father if all he wanted was my company . If he wasn 't talking to me then of course I wasn 't striking up a conversation . I was a shy child around strangers and my father was practically a stranger . I remember on one of the last days at the beach my father was going to go out on a bike ride . At the time he was a competitive bicyclist , and a pretty good one at that . I remember having these butterflies in my stomach before he left . I even went to him and told him to stay home and not go out on the ride . He went anyways . Hours upon hours go by and we get a call from the hospital . My father had crashed and was at the local emergency ward . I remember arriving and being escorted back to the room where I saw him lying in excruciating pain on the stretcher . Apparently as he was riding he pulled off into an empty lot but didn 't see the lip from the road on to the pavement . He came crashing down smashing his entire pelvis . The hospital quickly figured out the shattered pelvis but took hours until they figured out the broken collar bone . My father was smashed into pieces and was helpless . It was an odd summer . I was over my father 's house often because I felt some obligation to take care of him . He needed help moving and couldn 't really use his legs . Plus I wasn 't in school so what else would I do ? It was also not far from my fathers rented house to my mother 's house , only about 10 minutes away . By the time summer was coming to a close my mother and I were not getting along , at the time I didn 't realize it was probably because I was over my father 's house far more than she wanted . My father seeing an opportunity decided to bribe me . For being such a good daughter over the summer he was going to buy me a new desktop and my very own laptop ! The catch was that I had to agree to stay every other week at his house . I was thrilled ! Fun time dad every other week ? ! I mean how could I pass that up ! Especially since I was having a bad time at my mothers . Instead of going to the courts to get it officially changed the group decided on just a written agreement . The main factor was that no child support would be paid to my mother since I would be half and half now . But my father had to start putting away savings for my college . It seemed fine to me , I was just happy to have all this new technology . So for the start of my 7th grade I was split between the houses . Things for fine for a while until my migraines started to come back in force . When I had a migraine at my mother 's I was cared for . When I had a migraine at my fathers I was being dramatic and should suck it up . In 7th grade I also officially became a woman , which brought a whole new fun set of issues to deal with . The major issue , menstrual migraines . The nastiest , most brutal pain I could even imagine . And every month like clockwork I would get them . The worst part was the neurologist providing treatment could no longer help me . I ended up in the ER on multiple occasions just to get a cocktail of Toradol , Benadryl , and Zofran . Whatever the case this seemed to always rid me of my unbearable migraines . I was always miserable whenever that time came when I was at my fathers . I was scared what would happen . There would be no way he would take me to the hospital if something were to happen . Soon my neurologist recommended that I see a gynecologist and be put on birth control . This way I could at least go 3 months without a hospital visit . For those who don 't know the pill form of contraception can be taken consecutively for 3 months then a week off , and it is not just used for birth control . In fact the pill can be used to help alleviate a variety of medical issues . In my case medical migraines . After this I started planning that time around the weeks I was with my mother . I couldn 't bare the thought of having to be at my fathers while that was happening . Soon things were starting to look in my father 's mind that I was only sick at my mothers . He started issues with my mother , threatening a custody battle until he decided that I clearly need therapy . So at 12 years old I was dragged to a therapist to work out my problems . I was told I was going to build a better relationship with my father , little did I know there was another agenda . I was regretting my choice to change my living situation only a few months in and I knew if I changed my mind now it would only cause more drama . Therapy was practically a disaster , it was awkward and beyond uncomfortable when my father was brought in . I didn 't truly understand why I was there . I thought I was doing something wrong , that my actions at some point had led me into this situation . Therapy sessions ended with awkward hand offs from mother to father and vice versa . I was feeling so alienated between the home life and the medical situation . I felt like no one could understand what was happening to me . As life around me was spiraling out of control so did my appearance . I wore nothing but black , talked to no one , and confided in only a single friend . Some say it was just a phase , that every child goes through their phases . But what was a phase and what was a desperate cry for help ? |
I originally brought Billsta home to my mother 's house from Ikea about five years ago . My mother needed a small breakfast table and it was the perfect size for her small kitchen . I remember putting it together by following one of those wordless direction pamphlets that comes with everything from there . It was simple enough because there were only three parts to put together : the smooth round 27 1 / 2 ″ melamine table top , the 40 ″ base and the four piece foot stand . I fished out the correct screws and had it put together in a few minutes with very little effort . The chairs that match have short rounded backs and I really like the way my body fits perfectly in them . Billsta is of a sturdy Swedish design that didn 't look prone to wobbling , which I loved . I smoothed my hand across the surface in sweet satisfaction . there would be no splintering or splitting . For years my mother had a table in her kitchen that wobbled as soon as someone sat down . All through meals it would wobble and that became the norm . But Billsta would never wobble . Swedish engineering made sure of that . We sold my mother 's house in the spring of last year , and by June I moved to a new apartment on the thirteenth floor . I had the movers put Billsta on the west facing balcony . It was summer when I moved in and I thought it would be the perfect place to have my tea or coffee in the morning . Billsta looked much smaller in my place than it had at my mother 's house . It looked great on the balcony and left plenty of room for a recliner and end table that I had my eye on , but still haven 't purchased . I used Billsta often , sipping tea and occasionally coffee . Resting my mug on its smooth melamine surface . The balcony is high enough and far away from neighbors that I didn 't feel awkward shuffling out in my bathrobe with my hair a mess to execute my morning ritual ; tea in my mug , feet propped up on the second chair , and the morning light dancing on the glass of the downtown buildings now pink , then orange then settling nicely into a cheery yellow . Billsta and I were getting along very nicely . I brought the chairs inside the first time it rained . They have these little round beige cushions on them , and I didn 't want them to get wet and squishy . I brought them inside again when I was traveling in the summer months . I brought them in yet again when I started teaching in the fall because I didn 't want an unexpected rain to ruin them . I found other uses for the chairs , like standing on one when I needed to store something at the top of my closet , or when cleaning the top shelf of my tall bookcases . I even sat on one as I read a book one afternoon . Billsta stayed outside . I even thought of bringing Billsta inside for dinner . You should know that Billsta looks unimposing , but is actually heavy and I just didn 't want to be weighed down by it . I thought it would just get in my way and invade my space . I have no real need for Billsta in my immediate living space . It 's well suited on the balcony . It is now mid - February and for the past few days I 've been writing on my laptop occasionally looking out the glass doors at Billsta . It 's been out there on the balcony all these months withstanding sun , rain , wind and more recently , snow . I 've only now just noticed that all this time Billsta looked so dependable and solid out there on the balcony . But now I see it moved from the place I originally had it . It 's closer to the railing now . In fact , one of the feet of the base is under the black iron railing tucked into the four inch space between the concrete and the bottom of the iron railing . I have a feeling Billsta is distancing itself away from me . Did Billsta feel so neglected that it slowly made its way to the edge ? I walk across the room now and upon closer inspection , I see Billsta 's smooth melamine surface is warped . It is slightly slanted now - not much - just enough from me to notice its disappointed frown . There is some water resting there . Looking like a stain of tears . The table in it 's dying has come to life . Billsta has given up on me but still stands strong . In the cold , gray afternoon , with the still white sky , I realize there has been no one resting their teacup on Billsta . No one running their hands across its once smooth malamine surface . I haven 't been there to appreciate Billsta as it was meant to be enjoyed . it 's become a dirty , cold , warped shell of a table . Damaged from neglect and disuse . The Ghost never gave me anything he didn 't take back and sell . There was one gift he gave me that he never knew about . At first , neither did I . I forgave him as he beat me on the last night I 'd ever seen him . That was July 4th , 1999 . With each blow I asked God to forgive him . I know it sounds crazy , but it 's true . I could tell his pain was worse than mine , in fact I was numb to his blows . I knew his story . He told me about how his childhood was stolen from him . He told me about the pigeon coop . How he use to train pigeons and built a coop for them on the roof of his building with the help of his stepfather . Dick is what he called him . I never found out if that was his real name - short for Richard - or just what he called him . Dick did what all pedophiles do ; gained this nine year old boy 's trust - seduced him as it were - with the lure of pigeons . Building a coop and teaching the young , blue eyed boy all about bird flight training . These were not " street rat " pigeons , mind you , but flights , tiplets … those are the only names I remembered from what he told me . There are a whole group of bird flyers and trainers all over NYC , the outer boroughs - and the world . Apparently flying pigeons is a thing . The Ghost grew up in The Bronx . In his neighborhood it was not uncommon for there to be coops on the rooftops of buildings . He told me how he used to run up to the roof every day after school to clean the coop and feed the pigeons . He spoke about it with such pride . He use to compete with the other kids on the buildings across the street and a few blocks down . He 'd brag about how he had the cleanest coop and the nicest birds . One day while he was up there cleaning the coop , Dick came up to have a chat with him . He stood there with his Brill Creamed hair , thin lips and his pen protector holding always exactly three Bic pens . He smelled of Old Spice and Doublemint gum . The Ghost always got a strange feeling when he was around Dick . He told me something about Dick creeped him out and gave him the chills . The instincts of a child are powerful . So , he endured sexual abuse by his stepfather . Of course he told his mother immediately . She just stared at him and then told him to stop telling lies . Accused her golden haired blue - eyed cherub of lying . Lying and trying to ruin her happiness . Again . She 'd blamed him for everything since he was three . He was the bad one and Mickey was the good one . It had always felt that way , at least . The Ghost was always trying to win back her love , but his attempts were futile at best . She blamed him for everything . You see , when The Ghost was three years old , his mother told him to draw a bath for his brother and himself . Bathing together was not uncommon , as the boys were only a year apart . Irish twins , everyone called them . Proud to take on this big boy job , he marched into the bathroom plugged up the tub with the rubber stopper , and turned one of the handles . He couldn 't reach the second handle but he turned the one closest to him . The one with the letter " H " on it . He 's seen his mommy do this many times . She had tossed her finger under the tap but he wasn 't sure why , but he did that to . The tub began to fill and he gave the Mr . Bubble bottle a squeeze . He watched the bubbles grow a bit . He left the bathroom and went to find his brother , Mickey . Mickey , short for Michael , was in their room . The Ghost announced it was time for their bath , and as the boys undressed the Ghost pulling his shirt of his head , Mickey shouted , " Last one in is a rotten egg ! " and ran out of the room . The Ghost wanted to be first in the tub . He fumbled with is shirt , but got it off . He started looking for his Popeye doll to bring to the tub . In the background he could hear the tub filling and his mother talking on the phone in the kitchen . She was cooking dinner . Irish stew . Mickey 's favorite . The smells were wafting through the small Bronx apartment . The Ghost was getting hungry . He found his Popeye doll and turned toward their bedroom door . Before he could get to the bathroom he heard his brother screaming . A scary sound unlike any he 'd heard before . The Ghost froze . He peered out the bedroom door and saw his mother running . He walked slowly toward the bathroom , the dark wood floorboards creaking under his feet and stopped when he reached threshold of the bathroom . His mother was screaming " Why did you do this ? Why him ? This is all your fault ! " She cradled Mickey 's shivering body , fell on the floor and rocked her scalded baby in her arms . Mickey was screaming and crying . His wrinkled red body was shiny from the water and he had Mr . Bubbles shiny foam bubbles in his hair . It all happened so fast . All The Ghost could see was the bright red wrinkled skin on the right side of Mickey 's face and neck . He looked like a monster from one of the comic books at the corner store . He 'd later learn the monster 's name " Creature from the Black Lagoon " . It scared him . That wasn 't Mickey ? What was wrong with him ? I was looking for Popeye . What happened ? Mommy , what did I do ? Mickey never healed completely . They were able to do a skin graft , but he spent his life feeling self - conscious and fought off stares all through his adolescence . Eventually he married and had children of his own . He grew up hating his brother . Resenting what he had done to him . He blamed The Ghost for his disfigurement . So did their mother . By the time The Ghost encountered Dick , there was no one to listen . No one to help . No one who believed him . When he told me this story , I knew The Ghost had given me a gift but I could not identify it at the time . It took some time for me to come to this realization , but I came to understand that the gift he gave me was gratitude . Because of his story , I was able to truly appreciate my happy childhood . It was my happy childhood that saved me when The Ghost 's damaged childhood came to visit him in the form of drugs , alcohol and the abuse he inflicted on my body . There came a time when I could no longer take his blows . I could no longer let his words penetrate my spirit . For years I would tell my story saying I had no choice but to leave . I had no choice because he beat me out of our home . The truth is , I knew I could not take one more moment in his presence . The love was gone long before that night . I don 't know what made me stay . If I stayed I knew he would kill me and I wasn 't ready to be dead . Everything I have written about in this blog up to this point has been absolutely true . I have used real names and written about events as accurately as I can . I will admit that the order in which things occurred may well be a bit jumbled but that does not lessen their having happened . Where I have chosen to protect someone 's identity , I have simply not given a name . Starting with this post , I will need to use pseudonyms for at least two people who , I assure you , are very real . I feel I need to do this out of respect for them and their privacy . Perhaps one day I will discuss my writing with them but as you will see , that may not go well . Until then , I feel it is important for me to not use their real names . When my my not - yet - husband , Tommy , confessed to smoking crack , snorting cocaine , and drinking himself half to death for four days in a local hotel room with his best friend Brian , I felt as though I were on the verge of a nervous breakdown . I gave him my fill of name calling , screaming and throwing items around the room . But I stayed . God help me , I stayed . Over the course of the next year , he pulled this disappearing act at least three more times that I can remember . Each time he would cry , I would yell , we would collapse in each other 's arms in tears , make love and move on trying to put it past us . Each time he said he wanted to stop , made efforts to stay clean and we found ourselves right back where we started from . Tommy worked and lost jobs , we fished together and he by himself . We had so many ups and downs it became normal to experience his disappearances , loss of money and cleaning up after the mess he left for us to struggle through . I 've often thought about why I did stay with him then because I remember how angry I was and how dark and soiled this whole situation felt . Part of me was was hugely embarrassed that I had gotten so deeply invested in him . Another part , I must admit , was a bit excited by the drama of it all . There was certainly never a dull moment with this wild boy - man . Still , anothSo many important events in my career happened that year . The bookstore I was managing and had been with for four years could no longer afford the rising cost of rent for the exclusive North Shore Shopping district it had been a part of . The corporate office told me to fire eighty per cent of the staff and to expect construction to begin on decreasing the size of the once palatial bookstore . My sanctuary was being destroyed and there was nothing I could do about it . Firing people whom I considered my only family was difficult and caused me great upset and sleepless nights . Several staff members were angered that I had fired them despite my attempts to handle the situation as humanely as possible . I was following corporate orders and honestly , glad to have my job . A few months after I had fired everyone , I was handsomely rewarded with the news that my services were no longer needed . They were getting rid of me in order to save money and promote my assistant manager . Since the new space would be reduced to forty - five percent the size of the original space , there would only be a need for one manager , two full timers and one part timer . I had never lost my job before and losing this one was more than just losing a job . It was losing my sanctuary , my friends and family all at once . One day , Louise announced she was pregnant with Brian 's baby . Brian was overjoyed , but both Tommy and I reacted the same way , feeling sick knowing that both Brian and Louise were still using drugs on a regular basis . At the time , I thought it was reckless of her to get pregnant but a disaster of gargantuan proportions to carry that child to full term and have it . Nevertheless , over the next several weeks , Louise and Brian then told us they were moving to California to get clean and have our baby where there are no drugs or temptations . Louise asked if she could borrow some money to get settled and she would send it back . I told her not to worry about it , that we were friends for life and that I would be happy to just hear about their happy life in California . I had mentally washed my hands of them when they left , hoping Tommy and I could finally get down to the business of repairing what was left of our badly damaged relationship . Tommy breathed a deep sigh of relief , admitting both of them were poison to us for so many reasons and that he was glad to see them go . We knew we would miss their friendship and the laughter but we were happy to get on with our lives in peace . I was well into the first year of my Master 's degree studies at Hofstra University in the Education Department and working part - time at a high - end department store that was opening a new location on Long Island not too far from where we lived . Tommy was working mornings on the party fishing boats again . He got home about 2 : 30 in the afternoon and liked to go out on the boat we bought at the beginning of the season . I had taken out $ 10 , 000 above what I needed on my student loan and bought a 1964 30ft Chris Craft straight in - board engine boat that was in fair condition and ideal for fishing . It was Tommy 's idea to get the boat . He convinced me it would save us a ton of money on vacations ( which we never took ) and give us the most use out of our time living near the beach and the inlet where we did most of our fishing . He also convinced me it would be a great way for us to bond and spend time together every evening and weekend . He convinced me that having the boat would connect him to nature again and create a new sense of responsibility ; a diversion from being bored which is what so - often lead him to use drugs . Finally I agreed and it made me so happy to see him smiling and feeling useful again . Tommy was making a real effort to stay sober during this period of time . He decided he could handle having one beer on occasion instead of an entire six pack . In the wake of missing Brian and looking to attract positive people into his life , Tommy decided to reconnect with his estranged cousin Aiden who lived upstate . Aiden and Tommy grew up in the same Bronx neighborhood which was , at the time , mostly Irish - Catholic . They played together , spent holidays together and got into boyhood hijinks together . When Mary , Aiden 's mother , noticed that the neighborhood started to change , becoming less Irish and more Dominican and Puerto Rican and West - Indian , She decided to move herself and her only son Aiden to a " better " part of the Bronx . The part with less drugs and crime . Tommy and his brother Mickey stayed behind and Tommy eventually fell in with the wrong crowd and never got out until he went off to jail . The cousins had on - again off - again contact with each other over the years . Aiden , Tommy 's cousin was married to his high school sweetheart Claire . Aiden and Claire were now parents to two teenage boys and living in Upper Putnam County near the border of Connecticut . Aiden had a good engineering job at the local hospital and Claire was a medical assistant at a local doctor 's office . The cousins chatted , laughed and got caught up . Tommy had railed on about what an angel I was , how smart I was because I had been in college , how I was sweet and classy and not like those bitches from the Bronx . He boasted that he was a new man and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him . and by the end of that phone conversation we were invited to spend the weekend upstate as Tommy would continue to refer to it . He continued to say upstate , though in the big picture of New York State , their town was really considered Downstate . This was a fact Tommy understood but decided it was so far from Long Island , it might as well be upstate . So that was how we always referred to it . Upstate . We arrived upstate on one of those summer days when there is a cool breeze but the sun leaves your skin warm and smelling of sunshine . I was a bit nervous about meeting Aiden and Claire , as I knew I would be getting the once - over from them . They wanted to see for themselves if everything Tommy said about me was true . I didn 't know what to expect … were they rough talking like him ? Would they be educated ? Good or bad looking ? Cool or warm toward me ? … Aiden and Claire 's house sat on a small hill on a street that had no sidewalks . They had a long blacktop drive way that that had four cars parked on it . Tommy beeped the horn of my Nissan Sentra , and out the loose screen door ran Casey , their German Shepard mutt barking and drooling an excited greeting . Next , Aiden punched the door open . I remember his subtly red hair and big happy smile . He was slightly bow - legged and stood at the same height as Tommy but much slighter build . Aiden never worked out but had a slim build . He had a little paunch of a belly , possibly from a few too many beers over the years but had a friendly smile on his kind , boyish face . Just as the cousins were embracing and back slapping and laughing , out came Claire with a big wave and arms stretched toward me for an embrace . She had shoulder - length blond hair , sharp blue eyes and the body of a little girl . A few extra pounds stayed close to her waist and lower body since having the kids years before but she would not be considered heavy by any means . She was covered in freckles on her face and arms and was cute and very motherly looking . My first impression was that they were two warm , sweet people and had the appearance of being a comfortably married couple who seemed more like brother and sister than husband and wife . I was so relieved … they seemed normal . We went inside for a bit and had iced tea and some pretzels and potato chips to munch on . Aiden was excited to show Tommy his grill and Claire and I hit it off right away . We talked about her herb garden and the flowers in her front yard and life up in the country . She admitted she was better suited for a life of farmer 's markets and five - mile drives to the local grocery store over city life in The Bronx where they all grew up . We sat all four of us on lawn chairs on the front lawn , sipping iced tea and talking and laughing in our shorts and t - shirts until the sun began to set and the lightening bugs flashed their wares . It was a perfect summer night in the country . The temperature dropped slightly and we all grabbed sweatshirts and began preparing dinner by the grill . We ate , talked and laughed some more . It 's like we had been best friends for years . Tommy was so happy that night . As I was helping Claire clear away some dishes , we met each other 's glance and he looked at me with a tender loving look that told me how much he loved me without speaking a word . That night Tommy and I cuddled up in each other 's arms and slept a restful contented sleep . It was the first in a long time . I felt we were coming back to each other . In the morning we woke to the sound of Casey barking , the screen door banging and the smells of freshly brewed coffee . Tommy and I showered and dressed and met Aiden , Claire and the boys at the breakfast table . The boys announced they would be going to a local water park with some friends and other parents as escorts . The boys shoved toast in their mouths and guzzled orange juice , grabbed their beach towels and ran out the door . Claire and Aiden high - fived when the screen door slammed behind them confirming their exit . The four of us had the day together to laze about and have fun . We were like peas in a pod ; we shared stories , laughed and laughed , Tommy pointing at Aiden and exclaiming on occasion , this guy - you were always a funny motherfucker . We all pitched in to prepare and cook meals . At night , Aiden took us to his pride and joy , his basement bar . He had built it himself to match the exact proportions of his favorite bar in The Bronx , Saints and Sinners . Claire and I drank White Zinfandel and the boys drank beers . I was a little nervous about Tommy drinking , but said nothing in fear of ruining the weekend . By the time we left their place , we had been so happy to have made new fun friends who were also family . The boys were reconnected and I had a great new girlfriend . We planned to go back again in two weeks time . We were all so excited . It went on like this for about a year . every couple of weeks we went upstate for a visit with them or they came down to Long Island to spend time on the beach . During the winter months we saw each other a bit less but made sure to spend Christmas together . Tommy was keeping his drinking under control . After several conversations with Claire , I decided to try going to Al - Anon meetings to sort out my emotions about Tommy 's drinking . I suppose I was also looking for a support network to talk to when things got rough , as I expected they might . The four of us were like birds of a feather and sincerely enjoyed each other 's company . By January of the following year , Tommy and I moved one town further inland from the beach . It was closer to where we were docking the boat and consisted of whole first floor of a nice house with a fenced - in yard . In February of that year , Tommy and I got engaged and adopted a baby Rottweiler . She was an adorable puppy … shiny black coat and a cute round face . I named her Maxine because I thought it would be cool to have a dog called " Max " . I got a book about dog training techniques from a friend and began to teach Maxine some simple commands . By spring , we resumed communication of our friends upstate and started making arrangements to see each other . We went up to their place for a week this time . Aiden and Tommy made repairs around the house and Claire and I went to yard sales . At night we lit the wood burning stove in the living room and drank White Zinfandel and beers , talking and laughing . I started to think about what Aiden and Clair 's intimate life was like . Started to wonder who initiated sex between them after so long together , if they were passionate or not . I suppose that happens when you spend a lot of time with another couple . Things were beginning to unravel between Tommy and I despite out engagement . Claire made a fuss about the ring and how pretty it was , but she did not know he had put it on a credit card which I paid the following month . When the summer rolled around Aiden and Claire were involved with some issues with the kids . It was difficult for us to find a time that worked with all four of our schedules to see each other . Tommy started going out on the boat more frequently because he lost his job again and told me he was continuing to stay dry not drinking at all , not even on the boat . One day I drove up to the dock to tell him about a phone call he received at the house and noticed the boat had taken on about three inches of water . I opened the engine cover , turned the key to start the engine , and pulled the bilge pump to drain the water . When I went under the hull , I found a case of empty beer cans . Some crushed some not , spilling out of the case box . I let the water finish draining , closed the engine cover , turned the key out and left the boat the way I found it . I had suspected he was drinking but previously had no proof . Now I knew . I said nothing that night . A few weeks later I asked him if he were drinking again . We began to fight . There was screaming and yelling and now barking from Maxine . I told him I was going to leave him , that I had enough of his bullshit . I wanted a life , I said , but not this kind . I packed my things and drove to my mother 's . I hadn 't spoken to her in nearly three years at her insistence . Now that I was home , she asked if it was for good so I lied and told her yes . I was only there for a week . I 'd like to say I put a lot of thought and care into deciding on my new plan for switching Master 's Programs at Hofstra University . The truth is , I was in a relationship and in my mid - twenties and was desperate to have a child . I had been given an ultimatum by my English Professor : leave my man , or leave the program . I made my choice . I thought about career possibilities and came to the conclusion that if I became a teacher I could be home by 3 : 30 to care for my child and have a solid , steady income that would keep my alcoholic husband , my baby and myself financially stable . With these thoughts in mind , I requested a place in the Education Department Master 's Program . Classes would begin in the fall , just a few months away , and I could have the summer to enjoy my management career in the bookstore and have a fun summer now that Louise , my childhood friend was living close by . Tommy , of course was not very supportive when I announced my change in plans that evening . He didn 't like that I was planning things without his approval . I knew that academics was a world he did not know about or understand . I was independent in at least this one thing and he did not like it . Eventually he would tell people and brag a bit about my choices to become a teacher when he spoke to people he respected ; potential employers , people in our town and even his mother who he resumed contact with that summer . My sexual life with Tommy became my drug of choice . I consumed the scent of his skin . I craved his muscular body , how it dominated mine . He knew how to seduce me and I surrendered to his touch . A wave of pleasure would come over me , despite my lack of experience with men before him , and I was like a woman possessed drinking in his freckled skin that smelled of soap and the salty sea air . Living by the beach had made his pale Irish skin turn a soft reddish brown . What was left of his crown of sparse blonde hair became even more golden as the summer days grew longer . His crystal blue eyes which once brought a shiver of fear through my body now seemed soft and serene . A tingle came over me as his mustache tickled the secret parts of my body . Looking back on this now , I realize I was clumsy and awkward and not very knowledgeable in the ways of love . I was only beginning to discover the pleasures of lovemaking . Navigating his body , somehow helped me discover mine . After a one passionate session of lovemaking , he revealed to me that he had a previous relationship with a woman , Madeline , who he lived with back in The Bronx . He described them as having a tumultuous live - in romance that ended badly . Three months after they parted she contacted him to reveal she was pregnant with his child . He immediately denied it and refused to speak that crazy bitch . He saw the baby after it was born , at her insistence , denying he was the father . She was a slut , a whore . It could have been anyone 's baby . He told me . Three years after the child 's birth , Madeline showed up at Tommy 's mother 's house to show her the baby . As it happened , Tommy was there and both he and his mother could see the resemblance ; the big round eyes , the shape of his little body next to Tommy 's was a miniature version of him . He even had similar mannerisms . Tommy had contact with Madeline and the child on and off for a year or so , or whenever Tommy felt guilty . Then nothing . That 's about the time he went to jail , served his time , got out and met me . It had been three years since he saw his son . I asked him if he wanted to contact the child but he admitted he did not want to deal with Madeline and he still had his doubts if the child was really his . I suggested a paternity test but he was not open to that , so I let the matter drop for a while but it weighed heavy on my mind to think there was a child of his out there and it wasn 't mine . By now , Louise and Brian had been living together down the street for a few months . I came to discover that they were smoking pot quite regularly with Tommy while I was off at work . Fighting about it , I realized , would get me nowhere . So I lived in the very comfortable state of denial which I was beginning to know all too well . My goal was to keep things peaceful while I was with Tommy at home . He was beginning to open up to me about his childhood , his past criminal behavior and his feelings about people in our social circles . I was feeling more and more confident that we would make it through this sensitive period and come out stronger for it . I was beginning to trust him and believe that he was my lover , my protector , my friend . So one day , when he took my car keys and announced that he was going to the store to get cigarettes , I thought nothing of it . He gave me a little kiss and walked out the door . I settled into the couch and flipped on the T . V . waiting for his return . Now , here 's where things get a bit hazy for me . Recalling events of the past are funny that way . Sometimes you can remember every detail of one event and almost nothing of others . Sometimes the memories float in and out like ghosts . I didn 't have phone numbers for any of the characters in town who he regularly talked to but I tried to recall which of these I could turn to . I was worried that something might have happened to Tommy ; an accident , a flat tire … . . who could I call if I needed help ? There was an older Italian American man who lived on the other side of town who everyone called Johnny Garbage because he worked for the sanitation department for over thirty five years . He was retired and suffering from a bad case of diabetes , so bad it took three of his toes . He had a grimy , rude , foul mouthed way of addressing people . When I first me him , he asked me why I was even with Tommy because I seemed like a nice girl . He told me to run and dump that bum , that he would only be trouble but I thought that was part of his grumpy act . There was Jesus look - alike , Mark , who was a former cocaine addict turned Born - Again Christian who owned a local bagel store and was known for fucking all the young girls that worked for him in the back of the bagel shop . There there was a friend of Tommy 's from Yonkers who he recently came back into contact with . John was part of the old gang Tommy ran with in The Bronx many years ago . When they got back in touch a few months before , John came for a visit and told us the story of how he became a cop , got married , bought a house had three little girls and was doing really well . Tommy had put on a real show for John making it seem everything was perfect with us . When John left , it was as though we had passed inspection . Those were the only people I could think of and I didn 't have any of their phone numbers . I also didn 't have my car and was terrified of leaving the house in case a phone call came . I remember trying to call his cell phone but it was off . I was sick with worry , pI called in sick to work , telling my Assistant Manager I was having car trouble . I checked out the second floor window but my car was nowhere on the block . I showered to ready myself for Tommy 's return and dialed the local hospital . No one matching Tommy 's description was admitted , no car accidents reported . Nothing . A quiet night in our sea - side town . The sun was blaring into the windows and it was a clear beautiful day but I remember feeling a sense of doom . Maybe he 's dead ; he could have gotten drunk and drown in the ocean … he wouldn 't take my car and purposely leave me here alone , he could be in trouble , what if he needs me … . When he finally came home I was sitting on the couch and shocked by what I saw . He looked like hell . He had bags under his eyes , he smelled from not showering and his clothes were filthy . The scent of alcohol and cigarettes seemed to hold his clothing together . I screamed as he walked toward me , what happened ? , where were you ? , couldn 't you pick up the phone and call me ? and this man , this broad - shouldered street tough ex - convict could not look me in the face . He collapsed in my arms , crying like a little boy . I held him for a long time , crying myself , until finally he spoke through his tears . It was horrible , I 'm so sorry , I couldn 't stop , I couldn 't stop … It turns out he ran into Brian who did not go to Queens with Louise after all . The two of them got drunk in a local bar . I 'm not sure how , but they wound up in a local flea bag of a hotel that charges by the hour with and eight ball of cocaine . They were snorting coke , cooking it and smoking crack , drinking and getting high for four days straight . He didn 't even know how long he was gone . To this day , I don 't know if there was anyone else with them , if he fucked someone , I have no idea . All I knew then was that I was living with a man who had absolutely no self control . And I was disgusted . I yelled , I screamed I threw things and broke things . I told him only an animal could behave this way . I was possessed in a new way now . I hated him and I loved him . I despised him and I craved him . I banged my hands against his chest and threw his clothes at him and told him to leave , just go , get out ! ! He just sat on the edge of the bed . Crying . sonya terborginnovation . inspiration . education . taking BRCA controlBRCA : pronounced [ Brak - uh ] My Inquiry Teaching & Learning JourneyA reflective journey of my teaching practiceFilling the pail " Education is not the filling of a pail , but the lighting of a fire . " - As W . B . Yeats never saidThe Reverie ChildThe Oddity WriterSteps on the Adventure of LifeHarsH ReaLiTyA Good Blog is Hard to Findphilosophy of street artart in and of the streetGranted , and . . . thoughts on education by Grant WigginsVintage & Anchor BooksLitChatAll book chat . All the time . Jan Moran 's Smart & Stylish : Ideas to enrich your lifestyleAdvice for the Good Life . Books , travel , entrepreneurship , beauty . Perfect Prose ServicesProofreading , Editing , and TranslationThe Consortium BookslingerRead first , ask questions later . Pushing ForwardPushing my thinking forward . . . and maybe yours tooFinding Katrina MarieLooking for myself in all the right places . My Kitchen AddictionBaking , Cooking , and all things Food ! Jump InFusing Technology into my Year 2 PYP ClassroomThe important thing is not to stop questioning - Albert EinsteinJustwonderingmusings of a passionate inquirer |
A look at my daily life with twins . A place for friends and family to keep up with us . And hopefully some helpful advice for that new mom expecting multiples . The other day I had to go and change both babies and put them down for a nap . Since Alex is the clever fellow that learned how to open our makeshift gate I decided to take him down first . I got him downstairs only to discover a massive poopy diaper that was going to take a little time cleaning up . No worries , Calista was safe upstairs in the living room , all gated off , and I could hear her playing . I began my duty of cleaning up Alex 's dooty and at the end I happened to notice that it was quiet upstairs . Then I heard a strange noise . I grabbed up Alex and ran the bottom of the stairs half expecting to see Calista peering down at me , but she wasn 't there . So I ran back to put Alex back in his crib for safe keeping and hurried upstairs to get Calista . Imagine my panic when I got to the top of the stairs and found the gate open and no sign of Calista ! I raced through the upstairs looking for her when I heard a squeal of delight from the bathroom . She had chased Leo into the bathroom and had him cornered . When I got there Leo just gave me a terrified look as if to say , " Nobody told me those things were going to be mobile ! " . Lucky for me Leo lured her into the bathroom and not down the stairs . Our current protocol for taking care of one baby and leaving the other one upstairs is to put the remaining baby into the jump - a - roo for safe keeping . That is until our new gates arrive . After their nap and some lunch I took them on a quick adventure to the bank and then they both got haircuts at Lollilocks . I just love that place , they are so good with kids . Both babies did good getting the haircuts , although the stylist attempted to use the shaver on Alex to shape up his hair a bit . . . . I 'm afraid she might have pushed her luck on that one . He bawled for about 2 minutes until I picked him up out of the chair . Then he was all smiles and making his new sound Grandma taught him , ( running his finger over his lips making a bbbbbbbbb sound ) . My other issue I 'd like to touch on for this blog is socks . How in the world do you keep them on their feet ? If they aren 't taking their own socks off then they are pulling each other 's socks until they pop off . I bet I spend a good 1 / 3 of my day just putting socks back on little feet . You know the commercial with the guy that is dipping his son 's feet in the plaster so they are form fitting socks ? Well I 'm beginning to think he 's actually on to something . Today was a fairly low key day . I 'm trying them out on more and more solid foods . This morning they got a tray full of Cheerio 's and a jar of baby food bananas . For a snack they shared a yogurt before nap time and I learned the lesson of not trying to feed them something like yogurt without them being in a high chair . Calista 's hair was plastered to her head with yogurt , not to mention the yogurt bath I was taking with them smearing their mouths all over mommy 's sweats and shirt . When they got up from their nap and we finished up lunch I decided that a bath was in order . So I turned on Dinosaur Train for Alex to watch in his highchair while I whisked Calista away for a bath . I think I might have caught her off guard since she wasn 't quite as squirmy as usual . Most of the time it 's like trying to dress a grizzly bear in pajama 's with feet . Once she was done I put her in the jump - a - roo and got Alex all bathed . I did notice today that Alex 's rash from the Petechiae is starting to look really bad again . I 've got a phone call into the Dr . to see if they want to do a blood draw sooner to see where his platelet count is . Judging by the rash I 'd be really surprised if it was above 25 , 000 right now . The only other eventful thing that happened was yet another baby containment issue this evening . We have the downstairs set up with the play pen being used as a gate between the couch and the utility room closet . However the closet doors are not flush with the carpet so Calista has found that she can dig her little fingers into a seam in the cement and get out dirt to eat . So we took the vacuum to it and got it all cleaned out . Well tonight I found a little piece of cement in her mouth that had broken off from that seam , it was about half the size of a dime . . . plenty big enough to choke on . So we devised another barrier with my crafting table . I was able to slide it into the side of the utility closet so we can slide it back and forth to the couch . Now she can 't even get to the utility closet . . . . for a while at least . Every time we see her pushing on a gate or just staring at it we joke that she 's like the raptors in Jurrasic Park . " You can see she 's working the problem " . . . then when she breaks through the gate . . . " Clever Girl " . The worst part of motherhood for this blog is constantly putting socks back on their little feet . I want to give up and just let them play with the socks , but then they crawl over to me and their little feet are so cold . The sock battle must continue . The best part of motherhood for this blog is a tray full of Cheerio 's that they can feed themselves . Their independence is going to be a double edge sword I 'm sure . How will it be when they don 't need me anymore ? However , them doing things on their own is really a wonderful thing . For the Edwards household we measured a Year with a great birthday party for the cubs . Our little house was busting at the seams with friends and family . And one thing is for sure , those kids will not go without clothing or toys ! Everyone must really love them as much as we do . So it 's been quite a while since I 've written my blog . Life just got so busy I couldn 't keep up with the blogging , caring for twins and running the bead and jewelry store . But tonight my parents have graciously taken the cubs overnight , so I 'm burning the midnight oil and figured I 'd try to catch everyone up . I think the last time I wrote in here was July and so much has happened since then . Most recently Calista has started walking . . . or should I say running . I don 't think that girl is going to wait to learn how to walk . Tonight Ed and I spent a good deal of time looking at even MORE baby gates , ( we already have 2 ) , and trying to figure out how to gate off part of the house with stairs , kitty food and litter boxes , yet still make it accessible to the cats . I think we may have to buy these gates online with the pet doors because no where in Fort Collins did these exist ! Alex is walking with some assistance and he is a mad man crawling now . And that clever boy has learned how to open up the gate we have in the living room . Friday I ran downstairs for a moment to throw in a load of laundry and empty the diaper pail . As I came back to the foot of the stairs I heard a ' pat pat pat ' . . . the sound of little hands on the hardwood floors . Half way up the stairs I saw Alex staring back at my like , " Whatchya doin Mom ? " . Needless to say I dropped the bag of diapers and ran to get him from the top of the stairs ! Each of them have gotten in quite a few teeth , Alex currently has 6 and we think Calista is working on her 5th . We had a problem for a little while with biting , but I think we now have that under control . Although one day I was nothing more than a chew toy for every creature in this house I think . I was on the floor with a baby leaning on each side of me and biting me . Then when I went to bed our little cat Leo wasn 't getting enough attention so he tried to give me a little nibble . I 'd had enough by then and Leo went to the floor . ( Not for long though , he is a cat after all and they do go where they please ) . Medically we have been having a scare with Alex , but I hope ( fingers and toes crossed ) , that he is on the mend . He has a blood disorder called Petechiae . It started as a rash back in June / July and I assumed he just had an allergy to the new laundry soap I had bought . But after much research and the help of a wonderful Dr . from the Youth Clinic we found out it is this disorder of low platelet count . Our goal was to keep his count above 50 , 000 ( it 's generally supposed to be above 100 , 000 I think ) . At the worst time he was getting spontaneous nose bleeds and his count dropped to 13 , 000 . This finally resulted in a trip to a world renown hematologist at Children 's Hospital in Denver where they finally put him on a steroid and his numbers came up a little . We 're still battling this one and will have more results next week when he is completely weened off the steroid and another blood draw is done . The absolute scariest part of this was when the Dr . told me that he wanted to rule out Leukemia . He said that it was only a 5 % chance , but no mother wants to hear the word Cancer in any form when talking about her child . I remember that I found it hard to catch my breath after he said it and feeling like I could throw up right there in the office . However , the tests they ran on Alex at Children 's Hospital came back that it is absolutely NOT cancer . . . . so WHEW ! ! ! ! The cubs are sleeping through the night really well and on a good day they sleep in until almost 9 a . m . Every once in a while Calista will have a bad dream and wake up crying and I have to cuddle her back to sleep . I 'm usually still awake anyway so it 's actually a sweet time . Last night I heard her start to cry at around 10 : 30 so I shut down the TV and set my beading project aside . I don 't know what scares that little girl in her bad dreams , but her face is soaked with tears and her arms go up as soon as she sees me for me to pick her up . So I pick her up and we go over to the rocking chair in their bedroom . I rock her back and forth and rub her back and stroke her hair . She in turn lays her head on my shoulder and started to snuggle in , but then pulled herself back for a moment to look me in the face and smile at me . I don 't know if that smile is a ' Mom I 'm glad you 're here to hold me ' or a ' Ha Ha . . . Made you come in and hold me ' . Either way it 's sweet . I rocked her for about a half an hour until I felt her go limp and I knew she fell back to sleep , all the while listening Alex 's steady breathing rhythm . It was one of those nights that I just could have stayed in there forever holding her , but I knew sooner or later I 'd fall asleep and probably drop the little girl . So I put her in her crib and went off to bed myself . The worst part of motherhood for this blog would have to be hearing the word cancer when a Dr . is talking about your child . Ever since this day I really take to heart those St . Jude commercials to give thanks for the healthy children in your life . Even with Alex 's illness , we are still so extremely lucky our kids are relatively healthy and my heart just aches for those strong parents that have a child with a terminal illness . The best part of motherhood for this blog would have to be the silent nights . And that doesn 't mean the nights they sleep all the way through without waking us up ( although don 't get me wrong , those are nice too ) . These are the nights when I can sit in the nursery with them when they are both asleep and I can just watch them . They 'll never know until they have kids of their own how happy it makes me to just watch them sleep . The cubs slept in until almost 9 a . m . today ! And Mommy was right there with them snoozing away . I guess we all needed it after a restless night . I went to bed around midnight , then they were up being restless around 3 a . m . and I changed Alex . Then they were up at 6 a . m . for a feeding , but went back to sleep directly afterward . By the time they were waking up at 9 a . m . Alex was laying in his crib just a chattering away . He 's trying so hard to form words , he almost has his Mmmmm sound down so I 'm hoping he will spit out a momma here soon . He was chattering so much that as I was changing Calista on the changing table she was craning her neck around to watch him and listen to what he had to say . Could be that twin talk starting up , in which case they are already ganging up on me and Ed . Although I love being able to sleep in like that , we did have a busy day ahead of us . We were going to meet Daddy and Grandma Edwards for lunch . So that meant I had to get them fed , bathed and dressed in an hour and a half . Not to mention making sure I have baby food and a diaper bag packed . But when you 've packed them up this many times you become somewhat of a pro at it and I ended up with a little time to spare . We had lunch at Cafe Athens and it was really nice . My real reason for wanting to take them out for lunch was to show off the new matching outfits I had made them . These were the Fourth of July outfits that ended up being finished on the Fifth of July instead . Hopefully they can wear them for the rest of the summer before they outgrow them . After lunch we got home , I unloaded the cubs fed them a bottle and they went down for a nap . I was feeling so tired from getting 3 hour stretches of sleep overnight that Ed suggested I lay down as well . Right now it 's hard for me to lay down or work on a ' fun ' project . We 've been cleaning out Ed 's mom 's house to get it ready for sale which means we have things piled everywhere in this house . I needed to find them homes and try to get organized before I could really rest . I did get my old dresser cleaned out and all of my clothing put into my ' new ' dresser . After that I tried to take a little nap . I managed to close my eyes for about 20 minutes and then Calista woke up . We went through our normal routine , dinner for the cubs around 4 p . m . . I gave Ed some chores to do around the house when he got home , after he was done with those the two of us had some dinner . Then off to the nice cool basement with a couple of bottles for the babies . Now this is where the ' Excitable Boy ' comes in . I few days ago I bought them sippy cups with the handles on them . Well I think something clicked with Alex holding that and realizing that if he would just hold his own bottle he could control the food coming to his mouth . Tonight he grabbed hold of his bottle with both hands and then got so excited that he was kicking and flailing his arms about so much that he couldn 't keep the nipple in his mouth . In the end I did have to keep one finger on the bottle to keep it tilted in just the right direction for him to get the formula out . But all in all , he did a really good job holding it himself . The worst part of motherhood for today was the babies waking up every 3 hours overnight . Just when you think you 've got that sleeping thing down , they have a restless night and you find yourself tired and unprepared for it . ( Especially if you stay up until midnight like a dummy ) . First I 'd like to wish everyone a safe and happy 4th weekend . We were very low key here for the fourth of July . The cubs were in bed by 8 : 15 and Ed followed them directly after by being in bed by 8 : 30 himself . This left me up alone until midnight working on the matching Fourth of July outfits that wouldn 't be completed until July 5th . Oh well , I guess they can still wear them and look cute . I 'll see if I can get some pictures of them in these outfits for my next blog . So our week in review ! Tuesday we saw the emergence of 2 teeth in Calista 's mouth . The two bottom teeth just sort of appeared out of now where . We learned a game of peek a boo with either baby can cause buckets of squealing laughter that has a tendency to get adults laughing just as hard if not harder . This week also found them almost sitting up by themselves . I can set them down on the floor between my legs and they need little or no support from me and are able to keep themselves upright . The crawling / scooting is also coming along . So much so that Ed and I now have our baby gates and are all ready for the big crawling moment . Thursday ended up being my day out and I went to go see The A - Team with Mom and Dad . It was the 2nd time I 'd seen it and the first for them . I think they enjoyed it and it was better than I expected . In fact it 's one I 'll be putting on my Blu Ray wish list when it comes out . Friday was a shopping adventure with Mom and the cubs . We were up , fed , bathed , dressed and out the door by about 9 a . m . Not to bad for twins if I do say so myself . We stopped at the bank then went for some Mom juice ( a . k . a Starbucks ) , but there was a line for the drive thru clear out to the curb . . . . so I had to go caffeine free ( a fate worse than death ! ) . Then we met Mom and JoAnn Fabrics . They had their McCall patterns on sale for $ . 99 and I 'm really starting to have a love / hate relationship with my sewing machine . I love to try these new patterns , but I hate it when I can 't get them right . But I keep practicing and reminding myself that when all my friends in high school were in Home Ec . I was in Auto Shop . I think it was probably easier to learn this stuff at a younger age . Anyway , we toodled around JoAnn 's for quite a while and then took the stroller through the shopping mall there in Loveland . We stopped at a couple of clothing stores , Ross and Marshalls where I found some really cute bath toys for the kids . Both of them are getting really grabby in the tub , so some bath toys were in order . These are little sea animals that squirt water when filled up . The kids hands are not quite big enough to go around them or squeeze water out , but they sure do love looking and grabbing at them while in the tub . By now it 's noon and I was starting to get hungry , so Mom and I decided to head over to Panera for lunch . Since I hadn 't expected to be out that long I hadn 't packed any baby food for the kids , whoops ! However , Panera sold some Yogurt in a tube and Mom and I , each holding a baby on our lap , squeezed yogurt into their mouths . I had Alex and I think he wore more than actually made it into his tummy . We each tried our soup on them as well , they didn 't care too much for Mom 's tortilla soup , but my Clam Chowder was a huge hit . They also had a taste of a yogurt smoothie in both Black Cherry and Mango flavor which they liked . Luckily I did have a change of clothes for Alex since he was not just damp from food spillage , but the kid was actually gooey from head to toe ! Calista was a little cleaner so she got to stay in her outfit . The best part of motherhood for this blog is the hilarious game of peak a boo we played with the kids this week and how hard it got them both laughing . If I can I 'll get the video posted on Facebook to share with you all . Should bring a smile to your face . So a quick run down of what has happened since my last blog is in order . Calista is so ready to crawl ! She has that butt up in the air and almost made it today . Yesterday she managed to crawl backwards for her daddy . It 's time to baby proof the house , we have our baby gates all ready to cage them in . Now we just have to go after things like light sockets , power cords and other delightful objects at floor level . Calista has also gotten very grabby . If it 's within her reach she has it in her hands , and what a grip that little girl has ! Jessica found out the hard way last week when she left a container of baby food within Calista 's reach on the highchair table . All I heard in the office was an " OH NO Calista ! " . Later I found out that Calista had grabbed the container and dumped it all over the tray . Lucky for me I was able to learn from Jessica 's mistake and I don 't let any baby food close to Calista 's reach . Friday we took a trip to Costco for our monthly supply of 424 diapers . ( Yes , that is the amount of diapers that we go through in a month . However it does not count the diapers that they use when they visit Grandma and Grandpaw , so it 's probably a little higher ) . Walking through Costco Calista had a fascination with my Starbucks and was very grabby about the cup . Just like her momma . . . brought a little tear to my eye . By the time we left she had chocolate all over her face . Other events that happened this week was an overnight stay at Grandma and Grandpaw 's house on Saturday so that Ed and I could go out for our anniversary . We had a couple of massages and went out to dinner . We were going to see a movie , but neither of us were very enthused about what was playing so we just came home and watched our Netflix . It 's so bittersweet when they go to their grandparents house for the night . On one hand we love the sleep and time to ourselves . On the other hand , I found myself looking at empty cribs and missing my cubs . Sunday they came home and mommy and daddy were thrilled to see them . We got them changed and went directly to the park to swing for a little while . They were both pretty tired so we didn 't stay too long . And that brings us to today and the story behind the title of this particular blog . We had a great day today . Calista woke up around 7 a . m . , had some breakfast . Then Alex woke up at around 8 a . m . and I found again that he had pee 'd through everything . The whole front of him was soaked and he smelled of urine . So I striped him down , wiped him off with a wipe and put him in a onsie for the time being . Then he had some breakfast . After breakfast I was downstairs stripping down his bed , mattress pad included , and throwing it into the wash . This is the 2nd time he 's done this and I 'd had enough . So after bath time we were on our way to Target for 2 back up mattress pads and some night time diapers . Back home they had a little lunch , a bottle and then took a nice nap for me . When they woke up they had a bottle and we played on the floor with some new books I bought them at Target . Calista can grab it and turn the pages by herself . . . Alex just tries to eat them . When Ed got home we had our dinner and he went in to clean up the kitchen and make formula while I played with the cubs . They just love it when I lay down in between their play mats , they can grab at my face and I can tickle them . But I just had to take it a step further today . I got a hold of Calista and laid her on my tummy so we were tummy to tummy . She smiled and giggled , raised herself up on her arms as if to crawl and then BLAM ! A white flood covered my face . Puke in my eyes , up my nose and all over my mouth . I 'm attempting to yell at Ed without opening my mouth , which ended up sounding a bit like a person yelling with a mouthful of peanut butter . Ed came running in thinking someone was hurt and all I could say was ' Get me a rag ' . He got Calista off of me , ( who by the way was all grins after this ) , and proceeded to blow mass amounts of baby puke out of my nose . Kitchen now cleaned and time to go downstairs for the night . I decided to take Alex . . . ( can you blame me ? ) . Once downstairs Alex and I are in the big blue chair sitting face to face practicing our A 's and O 's along with our new game , ' Nose / Toes ' where I point to his nose and then his toes repeating Nose and Toes . We are both very low key , but out of no where he pukes all over my . Yep , Ed is on the couch with Calista laughing at me . We got them both changed into pj 's for the night , this time I took Calista back with me . Ed had Alex on the couch tickling him and making him giggle so loud I was cracking up at it . Then Alex puked on the couch , then proceeded to laugh immediately afterwards . This morning started out with Calista waking up first . They both wake up so happy these days , when they lift their heads up from the crib and spot you , you get the most wonderful toothless smile . I changed Calista and gathered her bath items , bibs and clean burp cloths and headed upstairs for our breakfast . This morning I decided to try the Peaches and Rice Cereal on them . For the life of me I don 't understand it , while I was pregnant me big craving was peaches . We couldn 't keep enough of them in the house ! But this little girl wants nothing to do with them . She took a little taste and wrinkled her nose right up at those peaches . Before I could decide what to feed her next I heard Alex on the monitor , so I went downstairs and gathered him up with bath items as well . Now Alex ate his peaches and rice cereal . He wasn 't his usual ' shark ' about eating them , but he ate them . I dug out a jar of banana 's for Calista and she gobbled them right up . After breakfast it was bath time . Since Calista is rolling all over the place these days the only way I can do bath time by myself is to leave her in her highchair or put her in the play pen downstairs while I bath Alex . I gave Alex a quick bath and got him dressed in his shark shirt . But before I could get a picture snapped of him in it he puked peaches up all over it . Then he went down on his play mat in the living room while I grabbed Calista , striped her down and gave her a bath which she really enjoyed . Then we were all off and running . First stop was mother 's little helper , my friend Starbucks for a nice big cup of ' Go Juice ' . Then off to Grandma and Grandpa 's to say good bye to their English friends Mac and Nicol , pick up some patterns that I had left there and see if we could get one of them to go with us to the grocery store to pick up baby food . At Grandma and Grandpa 's they had a quick lunch of green beans on the patio outside . I 'm not sure how it happened , but I think Calista got a little sunburn on her face , just on one side of course . She 's not screaming about it , so it must not be too bad . After lunch we loaded the kids up in the car and I followed Mom and Nicol the King Soopers in Loveland , where they apparently have an IQ requirement of below 50 to work there . I was already in a rush since it was 12 : 30 and Jessica was supposed to be at the house by 1 p . m . to work in at DJBeads . I left a message on her cell phone that I would be late and started on the power shop . We had three carts for this little adventure . Mom had one with no one in it , Nicol had one with Calista in it and I had one with Alex in it and mountains of baby food . Once up at the checkout stand though I noticed that my carton of milk was leaking all over my bags . So when I reached the cashier I told her I needed a new milk , she then handed it to the bag boy , Micah who proceeded to argue with me that the milk was not leaking . I told him that my bags where the milk was sitting were all wet with a white liquid so it must be the milk . And off he went with the leaking milk . About this time I find out that Calista is throwing a fit on the other side of the store with Mom and Nicol , so I tell the checker that I 'm in a hurry and to just forget the milk . She says Micah will be back in a minute with it , so we wait . I tell her again after a few minutes that I really have to go and to forget the milk and she says , ' Oh wait there he is ' . I looked over and if this guy was moving any slower he would 've been walking backwards ! And to top it off , he has no carton of milk in his hands . ARGH ! ! ! I just want to give this woman my money and walk out the door with my groceries , is that too much to ask ? Finally rung out I get to the parking lot with the three carts , Mom and Nicol and my groceries . We get Calista in the car and when I go to the other side to put Alex in the jerk parked next to me parked so close that I can 't even get my car door open . So I have to back my car up into the middle of the isle , park it and go and put Alex in . I don 't know what I would 've done if Mom and Nicol hadn 't been there to watch Alex while I moved the car . For all you childless people out there , or those that have children older and don 't remember , this is my plea . If you 're parking next to a car and you see the car seat bases in the back seat . . . please remember to give us enough room to get that huge car seat in through our door . If you don 't I can 't promise you won 't come back to a vehicle side full of dents . Finally done with our adventure and heading home . I get in the door and Jessica is back in the office working away on 6 , 000 4mm Aqua Pearls . . . bless her nimble little fingers ! I raced through the house changing diapers and getting 2 bottles ready . Alex got fed first and I figured he would be really tired , but I put him in his crib and he just talked to the walls all afternoon . Calista got fed and you could see she was really drowsy , so she moaned a little in her sleep , but ended up sleeping almost 4 hours ! Alex on the other hand just wouldn 't go to sleep . I came upstairs to put our new Variety Packs together to ship out and just kept hearing the talking mixed with fussing . I ended up going downstairs and got on my knees next to Alex 's crib and just patted him on his behind and rubbed his back for at least a 1 / 2 hour . Only when I heard snoring did I feel ok to leave and go back to work . But he only slept for about an hour . Once he was up I gathered him up to go to the post office , Ed got home and took over listening for Calista and Jessica finished up the pearls . Everyone had a job to do . At the post office Kari got to see Alex for the first time in about 3 months . She came out from behind the counter to hold him . He sent her home with a little reminder of himself with some slobber on her postal uniform . Back home after that , Ed fed Alex while I wrapped things up in the office with Jessica . We made our dinner and ate all while Calista slept away . When she did finally wake up we fed her and made it downstairs by 8 p . m . I had Calista tonight and she thought it was a ton of fun to yank at my hair . She was standing up on my lap facing me and proceeded to grab at my hair and pull back as if she were throwing handfuls of confetti . Once he went to bed I have the house to myself and worked on a little bit of sewing . I 'm making a romper outfit for Calista that is pink with butterfly 's all over it . At this point I have the piece all put together , it 's just the finishing touches , ( i . e . hemming that I really suck at by the way ) , that is left to do . Jessica came to babysit today which meant that I got to get some work done in the office as well as get out for a little while this afternoon . I spent a luxurious day getting a mani / pedi then went to see the latest Shrek movie . ( Which I can say still wasn 't as good and 1 or 2 , but better than 3 by a long shot ! ) . On their 6 month well baby check up Dr . Hansen bumped Alex 's Previcid up to 5 ml 's per day . His current prescription is for 3 ml 's per day and had no refills on it . To top that off , for some reason all of a sudden the insurance company decided they don 't want to pay for it anymore . No reason , just denied . My mission was to first yell at the Dr . 's office since for two weeks I 've been calling them asking to call in the new prescription for 5 ml 's which they still haven 't done . Next was to do battle with the insurance company on why they aren 't paying for it anymore . I never made it to the insurance company phone call . I spent probably an hour between the pharmacy and the pediatricians office just trying to get the new prescription of 5 ml 's in place . Turns out our Dr . Hansen dropped the ball on this one . He wrote on the sheet he gave us with Alex 's height , weight , etc . that he was to take 5 ml 's per day , but never changed it on Alex 's chart from 3 to 5 . So the Dr . 's office told me to go to the pharmacy and have them call the Dr . 's office and then they could get it straightened out . Of course it didn 't dawn on me until after I hung up that I would have to then fight this battle in a public arena at my local King Soopers with two babies in tow . Not to mention what a pain it will be to get them all packed up in the stroller just to go in there and do someone elses job so my son can have the medicine he needs . Also , at this point we are just going to pay for it out of pocket , ( which I 'm sure is exactly what insurance company 's hope for ) . So there will be more on this topic and whether I 've won or lost my battle . I did get a large shipment of beads in today for the upcoming Mellow Yellow Variety Pack . Realizing that I probably should have stayed home and worked on that instead of going out and playing I decided to ask Jessica if she wanted to do some work in the bead store for me tomorrow . Once she said yes I once again felt a big weight off of me and sat down for 20 minutes to make some earrings . Ahhhhh , that time is just the best ! Ed got home at 4 : 30 and Jessica took off . Ed and I ate a quick dinner and fed the cubs , who by the way are now on stage 2 baby foods and LOVING IT ! The past 3 days or so Alex has started making a weird sound when we feed him and he lunges for the spoon of food . We say it 's like feeding a baby shark . . . lol . Once dinner was done Ed got the stroller out of the trunk , we put on our walking shoes and went for their first trip to the park . The Main Park in Windsor is really well kept with a lot of outdoor toys for kids , and when I drove by it yesterday I saw that it had those swings for babies with the holes for the legs to come through . Our walk was only about 20 minutes to get there and it was a little on the warm side , but not blistering hot . Alex was a little on the sleepy side so I took him directly to the swing to see how he liked it . Turns out the swing didn 't wake him up too much . He just swung back and forth looking at the ground the entire time . Calista on the other hand loved her swing ride . Every time she came at me I 'd grab her swing and hold her for a second , then let her swing backwards . The result was adorable baby giggles . Alex had enough by now though so him and daddy sat in the swing next to us for a little while , then went to that nice patch of grass he had found earlier . We gave them their final bottle at 8 : 30 at which time Alex fell right to sleep on me . He was so snugly , I really didn 't want to put him in his crib tonight . Calista was awake , but she seems to be easier than Alex to get to sleep when it 's bed time . You can lay her in her crib and she 'll talk for a little while , but then she goes to sleep within 15 minutes I 'd say . With both babies asleep it was time to tackle that mountain of laundry that needed folding , ( another thing I probably should have done today instead of playing ) . Knowing that Ed would want to go to bed at 9 pm sharp , I asked him to help fold clothes for the next 10 minutes until he went to bed . We both started working on the laundry basket when he decided to move all the clothing over to one side so he could sit down . When I asked him what he was doing he told me why stand up when I can do it sitting down . We were almost to the bottom of the laundry basket and I told him that there was still another load in the dryer and could he please go get that out , which he did . About 7 minutes had gone by since we started our laundry adventure when Ed says , " Isn 't it time we take a break ? " . What could I do but stare at him in disbelief and say , " I am always amazed that you have held a job for as long as you have " . He was kidding of course and so was I . I just thought it was a funny story I would share . The worst part of motherhood for today is trying to get medication for your baby that you know they need and running into brick walls left and right . Makes me just want to scream , " He 's a baby and he won 't feel good unless he has this ! Why are you not making this a high priority that he get his medicine ! ! ! " . The best part of motherhood for today . . . well I have two actually , one for each baby . The first was our trip to the park and listening to Calista giggle on the swing . There is nothing more healing than a babies giggle in my book . The second is a warm snugly Alex asleep on my shoulder . I didn 't even mind the snoring in my ear , ( which I 'm just sure he gets from his daddy . . . lol ) . Monday Ed and I lazied around the house and played with the cubs all day . We only had one outing where we went to pick up Alex 's medicine and a quick trip to Starbucks . Other than that we were home bodies . I did however manage to get myself hooked on the show Lost , after it 's off the air of course . However I think the best way to watch a series like this is through Netflix online through the blu ray player . I don 't have to watch any commercials and I don 't have to wait for the next season when they do cliff hangers . I also was able to finish beading a little wall decoration I had started for Alex . It 's a little Rainbow Truck done in Peyote stitch . The pattern is available at The Bead Coop for anyone that likes to do beading . Next up is a pattern I created myself of a little red choo - choo train . I 'll post pictures of that one when it 's finished as well . Now the only issue I have is that Lost is starting to scare the crap out of me and I fear it 's going to make me jump and I 'll spill all of my tiny little seed beads everywhere . And don 't think that I 'm leaving Calista out on this one . I have patterns in the making for ladybugs , butterfly 's , flower and all kinds of garden creatures . I just need to sit down and finish the patterns for them . Weds . was Jessica 's first day and what a difference ! Ed came home to a couple of happy cubs and a wife that didn 't look so frazzled that she was ready to rip his head off . Just a little break and I 'm good as gold . I also find that I have the energy to play with the kids more when I 've had a little bit of a break from them . Sunday , the cubs officially turned six months old . While Dad and Ed took off to go play golf , Mom and I set out for Estes Park with the twins . They had a craft show going there , the weather was beautiful so why not . We got them in the stroller , strapped their fashionable sunglasses onto their heads and away we went . They were the talk of Estes Park ! Everywhere we went people commented on them and the sunglasses . One vendor selling stained glass even had to take a picture of them . We had a bunch of fun , spent a little money with our local crafters , ( I 'd rather support them than China ) and before we knew it the clock said 5 p . m . We headed back down the mountain and ended up meeting Dad and Ed for Mexican food here in Windsor . Calista did her standing up on the table and let out several of her high pitched screeches for the other customers . Again the time seemed to fly and it was well past time to get them fed and off to dream land . I 've noticed that the disheveled look of my house seems to be in direct correlation to what kind of day I 've had . Both last Thursday and Friday the house looked like a band of gypsies had set up camp in it . By now Alex has come down with Ed 's cold and he is stuffy , miserable and whiney . He doesn 't take a very good nap these couple of days , and when I do lay him down he fusses so much that he wakes Calista up . Needless to say mommy is stressed out ! And all you mothers out there know exactly what I 'm talking about right now . You 're just at a loss for what else to do for the child , nothing seems to calm them and you have to really try to stay with it mentally so you don 't blindly shake the baby . And once you take a step back from being in this state you feel like a terrible mother . Wednesday come hell or high water I had to go to Costco , we weren 't going to make it through another night without more diapers . So repeat the drill from the day before , but this time I made it past Starbucks . I got to Costco and knew that I immediately had to get Calista changed , so we went straight for the bathroom . She did it to me again with a poopy diaper , but I got her all cleaned up and left a little gift in the trash for the cleaning lady in Costco . Luckily the shopping carts at Costco have seats for two babies in them . So I brought a blanket from home and put that at the base and placed both cubs in the cart . They aren 't sitting up on their own yet , but Calista can hold herself up straight . Alex on the other hand slouches a bit . The problem was though that both of their heads were hitting the wires at the back of the shopping cart seat , so I had to pad it with the blanket and a burp cloth . With that all set we were off on our shopping adventure through Costco . . . . at lightning speed I might add . I knew my time was limited before both of them became fussy . I made it through 3 / 4 of the store before I had to pick Calista up out of her cart seat and carry her . At this point I have 2 boxes of diapers , 3 gallons of bleach and lots of other heavy items in my cart , Calista in my right arm over my shoulder , Alex in the cart seat and I have to turn this heavy cart with one arm . I knew it wasn 't just me that found this taxing when I saw the looks of pity on other shoppers faces . One woman even said she wouldn 't have had the nerve to go it alone with one baby , let alone two ! So thinking myself to be a super mom after that comment I decided we were done and it was time to get going . At the check stand I ran into yet another problem though , I had to put the items on the conveyor belt . How was I going to do that while holding Calista . So I told Calista she was just going to have to sit in the cart seat for a little while so I could unload . I set her in the seat and started to buckle her in when I caught the tender under part of her arm in the buckle and pinched it . Oh that little girl screamed ! ! ! ! ( As would I , that 's a tender area ! ) . The entire Costco warehouse seemed to be staring at me and I went from super mom to ' what an idiot ' in about a split second . With my purchases all loaded back up in the cart , Calista in my arms , Alex in the cart seat still , all that was left to do was load it all up in the car . As I exited Costco though the woman that was behind me stopped and looked at me , then stopped again and asked if I needed any help . I told her thank you , but I can manage and started making a turn with the cart to go to the car . She stopped again and said , " Really , please let me at least push your cart for you " . So I said okay and thanked her . Now in the back of my mind I 'm having an argument . . . . is she a kind person or is she going to take off running with my Alex in the cart ? Too many stories in the news , so you never know . With caution I told her I would pull on the front part of the cart to help her steer it since it was so heavy and Alex needed to be held upright . Once at the car she offered to hold Calista and asked how in the world I was going to get the groceries into my car . I told her that was the easy part , I put Calista in her car seat , then Alex in his leaving both doors open since it was hot out . Then loaded up the groceries and was done . I thanked her profusely . . . and turns out , she was a kind person not a kidnapper . Tuesday I needed to make a trip to Costco . Now getting out the door with 1 baby is tricky , with two your timing has to be impeccable ! The schedule went as follows , babies are up and fed in their new high chairs at the new kitchen table . Then babies are bathed and dressed . Give each baby a small bottle to top them off for the ride and begin that packing procedure . Babies in car seats now and out of the garage we go . Stop for the mandatory cup of Starbucks for Mom and start to get on the freeway . Hear Calista grunting , hear the Frrrrpppttt , smell the poop . Proceed to turn car around and head back home again . Once home though they did lay down for a bit of a nap and I went into remodeling mode . Somehow we needed to fit that table and chairs into the small space we had in the kitchen . We could fit the table just fine , it was a matter of how to fit the high chairs in with all of it . After much rearranging I think I did get a workable layout . So the high chairs are all put together and it 's time to bring them upstairs . Now here 's a problem . Our 1950 's kitchen table that came straight off the set of Leave It To Beaver will not accommodate the two extra chairs . That 's when Monday turned into a small adventure for me and the cubs to American Furniture Warehouse . Both cubs were really good in the store and we had the usual people stopping us asking if they were twins . Although we were trying to get out of there , Ed had to get back to work and I was trying to find him . One woman asked if they were twins , I smiled and nodded but kept walking , she almost chased me down proclaiming that she too is a twin . One thing is for sure , they do get a lot of attention when we take them out . I made the mistake of stopping at Taco Bell for dinner . I swear the Taco Bell in Windsor has to be the slowest drive thru I 've ever encountered ! By now the cubs are unhappy , I 'm hungry and it 's getting late . By the time I got home Dad had already been there and gone . So I ate my food and put Ed in charge of watching the cubs while I assembled the table . I had it together in a quick time and now we have a perfect place for family meals . Now Calista is still waking up in the middle of the night with her teeth bothering her . We go in and she is just a chewing away on her hands . But for the most part they are sleeping through the night . They wake up at around 4 a . m . for a feeding and then back to sleep until around 8 or 9 a . m . We awoke to silence in the house , which is always unnerving . You want them to sleep a little longer so you can get things done , but your heart also sinks worrying about SIDS , at least I do . All was fine in the nursery though so Ed and I had our breakfast and I went to work getting ready for Craft Day . I still had a ton to get done and cleaned up in the Bead Store so I put Ed in charge of cubs . My crafty ladies started arriving around 12 : 30 and we got the party started . Nora and Anne were the first to show and they took some turns holding Calista since Alex was asleep in his crib . Then Mom and Dad showed up , Mom joined us for crafting and Dad went downstairs to help put high chairs together and also to help Ed watch the little people . Wanda and Gina arrived and we got into full swing of our crafting . We had some good treats to munch on and lots and lots of laughter . Half way through the craft session I heard a baby so I went down and brought up Alex to show him off and Dad brought up Calista . I think they were really fussing down there because I didn 't even finish my sentence , " I 'm going to take Alex upstairs to . . . . " and Dad was saying YES . So the babies were passed around the crafting table until bottles were ready , then Ed and Dad took them back downstairs and feed them . Once craft day was done I went downstairs to get Ed who looked a little green . He had Alex next to him on the couch on his tummy and Calista was asleep in her crib . Ed said he had a sore throat and was just listless . So we had some dinner and he had himself an early night . As soon as the cubs went to sleep he went to bed . By morning he sounded horrible , but dragged his sorry butt to work anyway . Saturday morning Ed and I were attempting to finish up the things that didn 't get done on Friday . We did get a nice breakfast out at the new Perkins by the Budweiser Event Center . After that it was a race to get home and ready for our day . Mom was supposed to bring the twins back to our house by 11 a . m . Then we also had Lizbeth coming to clean the house at 11 a . m . since I wasn 't home for the cleaning the day before . We had to get the cubs ready to go to a graduation party in Fort Collins , and it is never easy to get out the door with two babies . Lizbeth arrived right on time and her and her daughter started cleaning . Then Mom arrived with the cubs and Ed and I got them dressed and fed . Of course Alex gave Ed a triple P play . . . . poop , pee and puke , so he was changed again before we left . We took a big chance and left Lizbeth alone in our house . She 's cleaned for us a couple times before and my gut told me she 'd be okay leaving alone here . We were then off to Fort Collins . We arrived at Joe and Julie 's and didn 't even make it up the drive way before Julie was taking one of the babies from us . From there on the two of them were just passed around by the young and old . I hope they didn 't take too much of the focus off of Jessica and her big moment of graduating . We only stayed for about an hour . Experience has taught me that if we don 't get the cubs down for a nap close to their scheduled time they tend to get extra fussy . We also needed to get back to pay Lizbeth . My gut was right and we arrived home to a spotless house , Lizbeth was just finishing up . The cubs went down for their nap and Ed and I finally got a little relaxing time after all . I spent a good chunk of my time in the office getting ready for our craft day that would take place on Sunday . Last Thursday I took the cubs to go meet Ed for lunch at the Olive Garden , where they were very good little babies . I brought along Calista 's unfinished bottle and Ed just had to feed her that right before our food came out . Toward the end of our meal Alex started in with his new sound , which is sort of like if you suck a bunch of air in and make a noise doing it . . . only really loudly . We both have to laugh at it , and luckily the other patrons didn 't give us dirty stares . The time had finally arrived to go find some high chairs , and where else would I start looking than the used baby store . We found two brand new , in the box , Graco high chairs for $ 80 there . ( Later my dad would tell me that they were $ 140 at Target for the exact same one ) . Ed loaded those up in his car and headed back to work . And as most of you can probably guess , I just had to do a little baby clothes shopping . I was pretty good this time though and only bought 2 - 3 outfits per child . By now it was past nap time and the kids were getting fussy so we went home and I got about an hour of work done at the bead store before they woke up . By evening we got both babies down without too much trouble and started anticipating our day off tomorrow . Mom and Dad were taking the cubs overnight on Friday and I had a full day planned with Coit coming out to clean our air ducts and our cleaning lady coming out as well . At this point Calista is the only one that seems to wake up in the middle of the night . She 's usually chewing on her hand . We give her some teething medicine , replace her hand with her pacifier and back off to dreamland she goes . I want to add here how lucky we are that neither of our kids like the pacifier . This is the only time of day when Calista will take it . I 'm grateful that I won 't have to break them of that habit later . Finally Friday has arrived ! Ed and I are both looking forward to a relaxing night out to dinner then a quiet evening in front of the TV and I can get some beading done ! However this entire plan goes out the window quickly when Coit calls at 7 a . m . to tell me that they need to reschedule our cleaning from 10 a . m . to 2 p . m . Alright , I can adjust to this , I 'll just go get a mani / pedi before noon when Lizbeth gets here to clean the house at 12 : 30 . Mom and Dad arrive to pick up the cubs around 10 a . m . , we give them a quick something to eat and I get a bag all packed up for them , then they are out the door by around 11 a . m . Now I know I 'm cutting it close , but I think I can still get my mani / pedi done . After all this spa has gotten a mani / pedi done for me before in under an hour . This time however the girl is much more thorough , and all though it feels wonderful , I 'm getting nervous because time is ticking away . They asked if I wanted a flower painted on my big toe , which I always get . But the guy that was doing them must have been new to it . He kept messing up and then having to clean the nail polish off and repaint my toe nail . ARGH ! I 'm going to be late for Lizbeth . I tried to call her but soon find I have her number in my phone incorrectly . Finally I tell the guy I 'm just going to have to come back for the flower because it 's now 12 : 30 . I race home to find a million messages from Lizbeth and a note on the front door that they were here at noon and have since left . Since I now have the correct number I gave her a call and we were working out a new time for them to come over . We get that all set up for Saturday instead and I have the silly notion that I can now go back to the spa and get my flower and manicure done . That 's when the doorbell rings and it 's Coit , an hour early ! By the time they get done it 's almost 4 p . m . and I can finally go back and get my flower and manicure finished . Meanwhile Ed 's mom has called him and he has to drive her to the hospital to get a chest x - ray . That trip turns into a mess quickly with no one at the hospital knowing who ordered what and where they should go , etc . Now it 's 5 p . m . and we are both on our way to Outback to meet for dinner . We have a great dinner there and get home by around 7 p . m . By the time we get home though we are both pretty tired , neither of us feel relaxed at all and the only glimmer is that we get to sleep through the night . Which we did and did well ! Yesterday they found the body of a missing 12 year old Greeley girl in a drainage ditch . The girl had been missing since the end of March . I think most of us were hoping that she just ran away . But with the down pour of rain we had this week , I think it might have unearthed a shallow grave , ( this is just my speculation ) . The body was so badly decomposed they didn 't know if it was a boy or a girl , only that it was about the same age of Kayleah . I just can 't stop thinking about her poor mother . I can 't even imagine that kind of pain . I have a friend that lost her grandchild to a drunk driver . When that happened I wasn 't even pregnant yet , but I still felt such a huge loss for my friend . But now , being a mother , I think it really puts things in perspective and gives you a deeper emotional response to things like this . If something like this happened to my Calista or Alex I know I 'd never be able to put it out of my head , it would be with me always . . . . it gives me a chill to even think about it . But how can you not admire the strength and courage of the mother that has lost a child , but still carries on to take care of her other child or children ? How do you not just go into a dark hole and never come out ? I guess they do it because they are women and they are mothers and this is just what we do . Even though no one knows what happened to this little girl yet , I can only send these wishes out into the universe for her and her family . I hope that she didn 't have to suffer . I hope that she wasn 't terrified at the end . I hope that her mother finds some way to carry on . And I wish above all that they find some sort of peace to make it through this tragic time . Sunday was Ed 's turn to go and play for the day . As usual he wanted to go play golf . So him and my dad went off for a golf game in the afternoon . The cubs and I however had some plans ourselves . Off to grandma and grandpa 's house so my Mom could teach me how to sew . We got there in the afternoon , fed the cubs some baby food carrots , peas and a bottle then got them to sleep . ( They wore more than they ate I think ) . Then armed with my bag of fabric and patterns I set out to learn this craft that has alluded me all my life . I tried to sew once before on a very old machine , but after I ran 2 scrap pieces through they just fell apart on me and I gave it up . But the idea of being able to make matching outfits for the cubs lured me back in . We got the patterns cut out , pinned to the material , and that just took forever ! By the time I was ready to learn how to use the sewing machine the cubs were waking up . But the timing did work out good since Dad and Ed arrived back from golf right about then . So they were able to take care of the cubs while Mom showed me how to use her sewing machine . My first piece is a pajama for Alex that is dark blue with red race cars on it from the Disney movie Cars . Once I was shown how to thread the machine properly I really took to it . I 'm already hitting Ed up for a sewing machine for my birthday , ( although I think he might have to go and shop with my mom so he knows what to get ) . I got almost all of the pajama done except the legs and the snapping up the front and some sort of surging for the inside piece . . . not sure what that 's about but I 'm sure my mom will show me . By now though it was time for dinner , Mom made a yummy roast for all of us and we sat with babies on our laps while we ate . We were all sitting there talking when I guess Alex decided he wanted to be part of the conversation too and let out this scratchy screech . . just out of the blue . We all had a good laugh about that one . The worst part of motherhood for this blog is finding out that baby food carrots stain bibs . My Mom found this out when she tried to wash the bibs she has at the house for them . However I did hit mine with spray n wash before I sent them through the machine and it took out all the stains . Weds . we were trying to get all settled back in from our trip . Remember the poopy story ? Well mommy here went and put those poopy overalls of Calista 's into the diaper bag . So Weds . consisted of me pulling everything out of the diaper bag and washing it . When I came back upstairs I found Calista on the play mat and she had discovered her toes ! On Thursday we attempted some # 1 baby foods . Alex was having a hard time figuring out what to do when the spoon approached his mouth , but caught on after that . Calista figured out the spoon thing right away , but I think she is going to be my picky eater . She made the most horrible faces with everything but bananas . Alex loved everything ! I also had the great idea on Thursday to go to Joanne 's to buy a pattern and some fabric so Mom could make me a shopping cart cover for the cubs to sit in . However , Joanne 's had all their McCalls patterns on sale for $ 1 . 99 and I just can 't pass up a good sale . . . so I went a little nuts . I bought a bunch of fabric and patterns and asked Mom if she could teach me how to sew . Calista had such big smiles for all the ladies at the fabric cutting counter , they were all just ooooing and ahhhhhing over her . Alex was getting a little grumpy and wanted to go home . He 's his daddy 's boy when it comes to shopping . Friday I needed to desperately get to Sprouts Market for some produce . Mom and Dad were going to join me on this trip to help out with the cubs . Problem was by the time Mom and Dad were free , the cubs were down for a long nap . By around 3 p . m . they started to awaken though so we got them fed and ready and we all took off to Sprouts . Our first stop was Michaels for a couple things Mom needed , however I 'm the one that walked out of there with a bag of goodies and not her . I found these little wooden decal things , trees , butterflies , cars , clouds , etc . that I bought to stick up on the kid 's bedroom wall to decorate . Once at Sprouts Mom and I did our shopping while Dad wheeled the cubs around aisle to aisle to keep them entertained . Alex ended up falling asleep in the stroller for a while . Friday night I attempted to stick all those cute little things up on the nursery wall . It must be a heating vent issue or something , but all of Alex 's fell down while Calista 's stayed put except for one dragonfly . So I need to come up with something different for that . Saturday was mommy 's day off . I worked a little in the morning and then took off for the afternoon to see a movie . I went to see the movie Babies because it had gotten such rave reviews . And it was good , but I guess not what I was looking for . I think when I go off on these little ' mommy outings ' I 'm looking for something to get lost in and mentally check out for an hour or two . This movie didn 't do that for me . After the movie I came home and we had to pack the cubs up and take them to Target to get a birthday gift for Ed 's mom and a graduation gift . Another stop at Joanne 's because I saw some fabric on my way out Thursday that was really patriotic that I thought would be really cute as matching outfits for the cubs on the 4th of July . But I already had my cutting done and Alex had had enough so I didn 't get it then . Tuesday morning found the Edwards clan up early feeding babies and getting ready for the drive back home . First things first , of course our little Calista had to get her poopy mess out of the way . After Ed changed that diaper he held it up and said , " We should hide this in this room somewhere " . He is quite the character isn 't he ? But without hiding it , that room was pretty ripe . I went down to get a little of the free breakfast , biscuits and gravy , and when I walked back into the room I was just about knocked over from the smell . We got ourselves put together and Ed loaded up the car . Each time he walked back into the room he would make a face about the smell and then chuckle a little . I found a way to entertain the cubs while we got ready with pillows and cartoons . Ed didn 't want the freebie breakfast from Holiday Inn , so we took the cubs over to Denny 's . They were just the hit of Canon City . . . as if no one in that town had ever seen twins before ! Everyone stared at them and one older lady actually came over to the table and asked to hold Calista so I could eat . I 'm a little leery of strangers holding my babies , so I thanked her and told her we were fine . Ed ate his breakfast and I picked at a breakfast burrito , I wasn 't that hungry since I had the biscuits and gravy at the hotel . But while we were eating Calista all of a sudden discovered her tongue . I had her in some little overalls with a kitty on them and she kept putting her tongue out to taste the overall and the buckles that held them up . So I took a dab of sour cream on my finger and put it on that protruding tongue . She seemed to like that so I tried the same with some ketchup . Alex just fell asleep in his car seat . Done with breakfast it was time to hit the open road again . About the time we were hitting the winding road between Canon City and Colorado Springs I started not feeling so well . At first I thought it was a bladder or kidney infection because I was having so much pain all up the right side of my back ( and I had a small sign of blood in my urine the week before . . . I know , TMI ) . So I told Ed that when we got back I was going to see if I could get into a Dr . By the time we passed the military base I was in sad shape . I pulled into the first gas station I could find and headed for the bathroom . When I came back out I just wasn 't up to driving anymore and handed the keys to Ed , very unusual for me . . . I always do the driving . As we pulled away I told Ed that I smelled poop and figured it must be Alex 's turn for a poopy diaper . But by now we were back on the highway so we figured we 'd just get it next stop . We didn 't make it too far before we had to pull over again , but it wasn 't at a gas station . Ed had to pull over on the side of I - 25 so I could puke out the door . He merged back onto the freeway and this time we made it to Castle Rock when I had him pull over again . This time we made it to a gas station , well kind of . We stopped at a Conoco station and I made a bee line for the bathroom while he put Alex in the driver 's seat and got his diaper changed . There were no changing stations in the bathrooms so this was our only option . I was in the bathroom forever , not really queasy , but just not feeling good . I heard someone trying the door and knew I couldn 't stay in there forever so I left there . I got sat down in the car again , shut my door and immediately opened it back up again and threw up all over their parking lot . The only thing I can figure is that it was some kind of food poisoning either from the Holiday Inn or Denny 's in Canon City . After that I started to improve . Back on the road again ! Ed informed me that Alex wasn 't poopy , but I still smelled it . A little ways up the road again we 're looking for a place to pull over and check diapers and feed babies . We found Larkspur and drove through the town to find the one gas station they had . Yet another Conoco with no changing station . We got out the bottles and Ed started feeding Alex while I put Calista on the passenger 's seat to get her changed . Alas I found the poopy baby . It had leaked out the side of her overall outfit and gotten on the car seat . So I 'm attempting to get her outfit completely changed , looking at the temperature it 's 40 degrees out and my poor girl is butt naked . Which means I need to move quickly , however I 'm hunched over trying to get her changed in the passenger seat of our car . Ed and I were both so frustrated that these places don 't have a changing station we decide to teach them a lesson and throw the poopy diaper away inside their establishment . I walked in , there were about 3 tables there for people to sit down and eat and at the first table was a family of 4 eating lunch . Right by the door was a waste basket and that 's where I threw that smelly poopy diaper ! I walked back out to the car and Ed and I had a knowing laugh between us . Back in the car I started feeding Calista who is now in her jammies and without thinking about the consequences the poopy overalls are now in the diaper bag . Ed has finished feeding Alex and we have the heat going full blast trying to warm up the car . That 's when we heard Alex grunt then Frrrpttttt and we knew . So Ed went and got the diaper bag back out and Alex got changed in the driver 's seat of the car and into his jammies he went . And where did that smelly poopy diaper go ? Yep same place and another satisfied chuckle between mommy and daddy . I think the twins would 've slept all the way through had I not had to stop so often to get sick . In the end though between the four of us , three of us left our mark on most of Colorado this day . And Ed , who is usually so proud to do these disgusting things , didn 't do anything but drive and stop at every exit along the way . The best part of motherhood for this blog is getting revenge on those gas stations by throwing out the poopy diapers in waste baskets that are next to where they are feeding people . If they had any sense they 'd realize that if I was able to change my child in a bathroom with a changing station I would throw the smelly diaper away in the bathroom . But apparently common sense aludes them . |
James came over to visit me tonight . Right before he arrived , I was a little bored , so I created a twitter account . I don 't know if I will keep twittering a lot , but I might . James actually got turned on by me twittering about what we were doing ( even though it was innocent remarks such as " We 're watching an old Bel Ami movie together - " American in Prague " . We both love Johan Paulik - but we also have each other " . . . I guess it just gave a small added sense of exhibitionism , but without the camera which we are a bit tired of . What would be really cool , however , was to twitter and get comments while we were together . Currently , however , I almost have no followers on twitter - so it 's almost like being an exhibitionist on a deserted island . . . Anyway , we got turned on by the " American in Prague " - we both love Johan Paulik , and in that movie he has lots of sex with Chance , another beauty . We were jerking off each other on the coach while watching the DVD , then we went over to the bedroom . The bedroom has the advantage of the bed , of course , but it also has the window that faces the back of the block . By now , I 've been living here long enough to know that the guy in the fourth floor will be looking out of his window to see if there is something to watch , and that he enjoys watching us . It didn 't fail tonight either : when we started fucking , the light in his apartment was on , but when I looked up a few minutes later , it was off - but I could clearly see a movement there . I told James about this , and of course , this turned him on even more . James insisted on laying on his back , looking at the window , and let me suck him off . After all the jerking ( without coming ) during the movie , it didn 't take long before he came , even though I tried to calm him down and make it last longer . He shot a big cum all over his chest and stomach . Then he simply turned over on his knees , and let me fuck him . It 's strange being with James . He is so sexual , is very well endowed and is as crazy about exhibitionism as I am . The moment he knows thatPosted by It 's still cold and dark in Oslo , so I don 't spend as much time being nude - especially not outdoors - as I would have liked to . Instead , I 've been thinking of ways to order / categorize how I go about to be naked in public , and have come to the conclusion ( so far ) that there are usually three different approaches I take : - the playful , " no worries " attitude - the innocent , " naive " - the confrontationalThe clearest example of the first one is perhaps the yearly ritual in which the " russ " run naked through Norwegian city streets . It 's the students who have finished high school who do this , and they get away with it partly because it 's a tradition , but also because it 's just for fun and nobody worries about it . Similarly , when I go for a jog in the forests around Oslo and see a lake , I don 't hesitate to strip off and have a nice little dip in the water . Of course , I pick places in which I can be seen from the main path , but still nobody objects . However , to be " naked " in busy streets , I go for the second approach . You can 't credibly be " playfully " walking around naked among hundreds of people - but you can dress a bit " carelessly " . One day in August this year , I saw that it would be rain , so I wore my nice , white trousers and - of course - nothing underneath . The trousers went just the right degree of transparent when wet - not enough to make it totally unbelieveable that I wouldn 't notice , but enough for it to be quite a sensation . . . Of course , the " innocent " approach is also what I do when I fall asleep on nude beaches and wake up with a boner . Nobody can really be upset about that , and quite often there are some guys nearby who takes an interest and wants to get to know me better . . . And of course , when I 'm naked in my apartment , not knowing that my curtains do not really hide me from passers - by in the street , that 's also the " naive " or " innocent " effect . That 's the one I 'm using right now , sitting naked by my computer in the living room , with lights on inside and the dark night outside . . . The " confrontational " is the moPosted by I 'm still a bit sad that it 's winter and difficult to find opportunities for being nude in public ( although there 's always the gym , of course ) . I talked to James , and we decided to make do with a situation a bit less naked - but very public . We decided to go shopping . . . It 's Christmas soon , so all clothing shops ( and other shops ) in Oslo are crowded with people shopping frentically . So we decided to have some fun at a dressing room . We chose one of the stores on Karl Johan ( Oslo 's main street ) , and picked up a handful of trousers to try . Of course we had prepared . I had chosen a particularly wide and soft pair of open fly boxers , which I thought would give possibilities for significant " tents " and even peeks . James , however , chose to premiere his new pair of push up briefs . He is already above average by far , but with these , he 's just huge . We didn 't have much of a plan - we just waited in line , got a dressing room stall each ( which happened to be next to each other - both facing the shop ) and started to try on the different pairs of trousers . Of course , every time I wanted his advice , I went over to his stall and opened the curtain , exposing him ( in his briefs ) to more or less everybody in the shop . And every time he had a pair of trousers on , he went over to my stall , exposing me . I know this may sound pathetic , but as we were in front of a crowded shop with fully clothed people , even this made us get semi - erect . And after just maybe ten minutes of this , an ( overworked ) guy working in the store started to look in our direction and then came over . I thought that we would be asked to leave or cover up , but instead he wanted to help James find the best pair of jeans . The only surprising thing about this was that James had not asked for help , while the shop was full of people desperately seeking help . This guy stayed with us , however , and all the time came over with a new pair of trousers , discussing them at great lengths so as to have a good excuse for looking at James as he was trying on every new one . At this point , Posted by I 'm settled into my new apartment , and has already had great times there - not the least when James visited . That was an exhibitionistic night to remember - and I 'll surely tell more about it later . Later in the week , however , James and I went to the gym again ( see an earlier post ) , and what happened there is certainly worth a post , too . We had talked on facebook about what opportunities we had . Of course , in the locker room we could get semi - erect and observe the reactions of others , and in the gym we could wear different kinds of revealing clothes . There 's also a pool which gives interesting opportunities , and a sauna where the heat makes everybody particularly " vulnerable " . In fact ; once people start getting a hard - on in the sauna , they have nowhere to hide - several times have a semi - erection on my part given others raging hard - ons , often leading to them leaving the sauna blushing . . . But in this case , most of the fun was in the gym . It started in the locker room , though . James and I chose lockers far apart - pretending to be strangers . Already while James was undressing , I noticed another guy watching him closely . This guy was our age ( early 20s ) , maybe even 19 , and he was obviously a regular guest here , judging by his beautiful body . James , on the other hand , is slim , which only makes his dick look even bigger than it is . Just as James took off his boxer , he decided to fill his bottle with water , so he crossed the room - our " new friend " 's eyes following him . James got back , and found his favorite gym shorts in his bag . The gym shorts are perfect - it has no inner brief , but it is exactly long enough to hide everything as long as you are standing up . The moment you sit down , however , your jewels are clearly visible . James put on his shorts , t - shirt and shoes and wandered out into the gym . " Our friend " followed immediately . I waited for a moment before joining them . While waiting , I saw that " our friend " had the name " Nils " written on his gym bag - so I 'll stop calling him " our friend " . . . In the gym , James was onPosted by I liked the results of this month 's poll : they showed that the readers of this blog are adventurous people , who are not afraid to let others enjoy the sight of their hard - ons . Only five percent of the people who answered had never had a hard - on in any of the situations I suggested . . . in a shower with people you didn 't know 179 ( 56 % ) on a beach 200 ( 63 % ) while being photographed 106 ( 33 % ) in photos that you 've posted online 75 ( 23 % ) in videos that you 've posted online 32 ( 10 % ) at a naked party 75 ( 23 % ) with more than 10 people present 106 ( 33 % ) naked , in a car , on the motorway 141 ( 44 % ) ( none of the above ) 17 ( 5 % ) Votes so far : 315 Poll closed Do you have any ideas for a new poll ? Please let me know by adding a comment ! Winter is approaching , and that normally means far fewer opportunities for nudity - usually I 'm only naked at home and when I 'm at the gym . Of course , at the gym I can always get an " unintended " hard - on , but other than that , there is not much happening . However , I have been looking for a new apartment for a while , as the one I 've been renting so far has been a bit too far from work . Three weeks ago , I finally found the perfect one , and this week I moved in . What 's so perfect about it ? I 'll tell you : The new apartment is only a ten minutes ' walk from the centre of Oslo , and only fifteen minutes from my office . Even more important , however : it is on the ground floor , with windows to a moderately busy street , and with a bedroom window facing the backyard . I 'm sure most of my readers have seen the implications of this already : I have made sure to put up white and very light curtains . This means that as it gets dark outside ( which it does at about five o ' clock nowadays ) , people on the street can see perfectly well what goes on in my apartment . I undress as soon as I get home from work , and enjoy my nudity for hours before going to bed . People who like what they see , can of course pass the window as often as they like - people who don 't like it , can 't really complain ( it 's not their business what I do in my own apartment , after all . . . ) When I finally go to bed , I go to my bedroom . As I haven 't closed the curtains in advance , I have to do that . After all , I wouldn 't want people who pass my window on their way across the backyard to their apartments to see me , would I ? ( And I can 't be blamed if they happen to see me for the short while I close the curtains . . . ) Already , I have noticed people walking surprisingly slowly past my living room window , and I 'm laughing loud by the fact that the rent is actually lower on this apartment than on the ones higher up in the building . For an exhibitionist , this is the perfect one . . . I 'm still following courses at the university , and therefore spend a lot of time at Blindern ( the campus of University of Oslo ) . Today , I went to one of the larger toilets to pee . On my way in , I exchanged a long glance with another guy who was apparently having the same plan . He was blonde and beautiful , about my age and about my height . He went into one of the cabins , and I decided to go into the one next to his . In many of these toilets , there are holes in the wall - even though the university tries to repair the walls as soon as someone makes new holes - and there was a hole between my cabin and the one of this other guy . I didn 't want to peek , however ( I never want to be the first one to do that ) so I just pulled down my trousers and briefs and had a piss while I tried to figure out what was going on on the other side of the wall . I didn 't have to think of that long , however , because suddenly I saw a pair of knees on the floor - obviously meaning that the guy was now on his knees to get a good view through the hole . I was finished peeing and was already turning hard , so I turned towards the hole , and started to jerk off . At first , I imagined that it was his eyes that was on the other side of the hole , but then I realised that there was a small flash from time to time . He must have found his cell - phone and started to take photos of me ! Of course , this only turned me on more , so I spread my legs a bit more and leant against the wall opposite him and kept pumping my cock . At the same time as I saw flashes from his camera , I kept hearing people coming and going outside , and I knew that it would be possible to hear what I was doing if anyone listened carefully enough , and it would be possible to see what I was doing if anyone bent down a little to look at the position of my legs . I came in a tremendous burst , and lots of small drops of cum turned up on the floor in front of me . I felt like giving the guy on the other side an extra treat , so I sat down on my knees , so that my face was about level with the hole , and Posted by One of the warm , lazy summer days in Oslo , I had agreed to eat dinner with a friend downtown , but for some reason I arrived in the centre of Oslo about three hours early . I decided to do as so many others : enjoy the sun on the lawn in front of Stortinget ( the Parliament building ) . I took off my t - shirt , and lay down on the ground and just rested for a while . It was great to do nothing , just look at the sky , the people around me , the buildings . On the pavement nearby , I saw a tourist with a camera , and I noticed that he was pointing the lense in my direction . As any reader of my blog will know , I didn 't mind this at all . Quite to the contrary , in summer I often dress to make sure that people see me - this time I was wearing a pair of quite short denim shorts . I was wearing them low , to show off my slim body as much as possible . In addition , the legs of the shorts were wide enough to provide tantalizing opportunities for people wanting to look . As usual , I had no underwear . I kept looking at the tourist , who was a handsome guy in his early 20s . He was obviously focusing on me now , walking around the lawn to find the best possible angles . I kept eye contact , but realized that he wouldn 't be approaching me without being nudged , so in the end I signalled that I wanted to talk to him . He seemed surprised , but came over . Before I had a chance to say anything , he said , with a French accent , " I 'm sorry , I hope you don 't mind that I took a few photos ? " " A few ? " , I asked and laughed , " it must have been a hundred . " He seemed worried , but I went on " Don 't worry - my only regret is that I didn 't bring my camera to take photos of you . . . " He was obviously relieved - he must have thought that I would be angry with him for being photographed so thoroughly . He handed me his camera and said " Maybe you could take my photo here ? " I took his camera , rose up and shot a photo of him with the parliament behind him . He was very cute . " Maybe one without the shirt ? " , I asked , and of course he let go of his polo shirt . His torso was beautiful - Posted by I want this blog to be a real blog , filled with real - life experiences . However , from time to time I hear stories from friends that trigger my fantasy - and I would like to share these with you as well . Therefore , I will from time to time include fiction stories in this blog . Hope you don 't mind . Today 's story is based partly on what a friend told me about a holiday he went to a couple of years ago . There had been lots of problems with the holiday before travelling from Norway . It had been Tore who had asked Fredrik to go to Gran Canaria with him , and when Fredrik had accepted ( mostly because he fancied Tore quite a lot ) , Tore had ordered the plane tickets and the hotel . However , only a week before the trip , Tore had broken his leg , and decided not to go . But he did persuade a colleague - Nils - to take his place , and even though Fredrik didn 't like this , he wanted sun and parties so much that he went along with it . The plane was supposed to leave Gardermoen ( Oslo Airport ) on Sunday morning , but the plane was delayed a lot of times , and finally left at 6 in the evening . This left many hours in the airport to get to know Nils , of course . Fredrik liked Nils , but he was a bit worried about spending a week with a sexy and smart guy who showed no sign of being gay . Would there be complications ? Well , there could be no complications on the first day - it was spent drinking beer at Gardermoen and in the plane , then taking a taxi to the hotel and falling into their separate beds . MONDAYThey woke up , had breakfast in their room and then decided to check out the swimming pool in the hotel . They were actually the first ones to come , so they got nice chairs next to the pool and sat down to enjoy the sun . Everything was just perfect , and then . . . a naked guy arrived and jumped into the pool ! Nils looked surprised , to say the least . " What kind of hotel is this ? " , he asked Fredrik . Fredrik had to struggle not to stare only at the guy in the pool , " I have no idea , Tore organized everything " , he said . " I 'll go and talk to the managerPosted by A posting at Performing Males reminded me of a very nice experience a few years ago . I was visiting a friend ( Martin ) when what had been a cloudy day suddenly turned into a much nicer day . We had been planning to stay inside playing some board game , but when another friend ( Paul ) turned up with a car and asked if we wanted to go to the nearest lake , we jumped into his car at once . We were halfway to the lake before I realized what was happening : Paul obviously had been planning to go to the lake , so he had brought swimwear . Martin was wearing shorts that were probably okay for swimming . I , however , was only wearing jeans - and not even with any underwear underneath . It would NOT be cool to stay out of the water while they were swimming , so I asked " Ehm , do any of you have a pair of shorts to spare ? " " You didn 't bring one ? " , Paul asked . Martin said , " Well , you can always swim in your underwear . " I said " Ehm " again , and Paul asked " You 're not wearing underwear ? " Paul and Martin both laughed at this , but at least Martin offered me the solution I wanted : " Well , we could go a bit away from where the other people are - so you could swim in the nude " . Peter grinned : " Maybe 10 metres or something . . . " The two of them obviously thought this was very funny - and so did I , even though I didn 't know to show it too clearly . We got to the lake , parked the car and walked for a few minutes to get away from the crowd . We could hear people almost all around the lake , and the path around the lake was quite close to the spot they had chosen , but at the moment there was noone to see , so I dropped my jeans and jumped in with them . We had lots of fun for a long time , and had " fights " in the water . There were people passing by from time to time , but nobody seemed to notice - or at least not care - that I was swimming in the nude . But I did think it would be even better if we were naked all three , so I said something about how nice it felt to be swimming in the nude . Surprisingly , it didn 't take long before first Peter , and then Martin , pullPosted by I wrote yesterday about some of the things James and I have been doing this summer - almost as " research " on what two people can do that one person can 't . Often , this has just been tiny things while we were actually doing something else . For instance , we have been going to the gym together , just to have company . However , often I tend to get semi - erect when I 'm showering at the gym , and I find it interesting to see how others react . Almost everybody tries to pretend that they don 't see it , but some get problems keeping their own dicks down . Of course , I 've had to behave as if nothing at all is happening . This summer , when James and I have been showering at the same time , we have often both had semi - erections . The effect has been significant . When people are entering the shower , they notice one of us . It seems that they 're almost turning to the other one for reassurance , but when they see that there are two quite good - looking guys having semi - erections in the shower , they do one of two things : some are staring hard into the wall for their entire shower , trying to imagine that the two of us are not there , while some are taking the fact that two men are having semi - erections as a sign that erections in the shower are ok - so they 're not even trying to stop their own cocks getting hard . At most , I think we were seven people in the shower at one time , of which two were staring into the wall while the other five were having different degrees of erections . . . We haven 't pushed our luck at the gym , though - we just found it cool to be the cause of such a display of manhood - in an environment in which most people are so eager to hide their erections . . . We 've also been to different lakes in the forests around Oslo this summer . The effect there has been cool as well . For instance , we came to one lake one evening and planned to camp there for the night . There was already a guy there , who had obviously been swimming and was lying on the ground . He was wearing shorts , but we still saw enough of his body to see that he looked great . Posted by As I 've mentioned before , I 've been hanging out with a guy called James a lot this summer . Due to some personal circumstances , he 's stopped blogging , but he 's been turned on by the idea that I 'd be blogging about our adventures . We 're both into the exhibitionist thing , and we have explored the idea that there are things that two guys could get away with that one guy could not - for instance , a single man might be considered a pervert if he 's running naked from his tent to the lake to have a swim , while two guys doing it might be considered " playful " . One guy opening the door for the pizza guy in the nude could be reported to the police , while a guy opening the door with a nude guy walking past in the background , would be considered forgetful at most . ( I may be writing more about this later , as the face of the pizza man clearly suggested that he would like to see more . We found an excuse for him to come back to the apartment at the end of his day of work . . . ) The most successful little thing we did , however , took place at the end of the night . The two of us had been partying together with a few new acquaintances , the pub we 'd been to had just closed and we were eight guys passing by the town hall in the middle of town . James had just said something about still being hot , and I took the cue and " attacked " him and threw him into the little fountain next to the town hall . Playfully , he got back up and ran after me , and got a few of the other guys to help him to throw me into the fountain as well . By now , both of us were dripping wet , and our t - shirts and white shorts - with no underwear , had turned transparent . By now , the rest of the guys also wanted to join the fun , but they removed their t - shirts and shorts ( or trousers ) to have a little bath in their briefs or boxers . James and I also threw off our t - shirts . I already thought this was quite sexy , but our drunk friends didn 't stop there - they started fighting for each other 's underwear . Of course , James and I enthusiastically joined the fight , and as we were quite hPosted by ( Here are the results of the poll which 183 people have answered ) in a plane ? 42 ( 22 % ) on a beach ? 97 ( 53 % ) in a locker room ? 81 ( 44 % ) in a forest ? 111 ( 60 % ) in front of more than one other person ? 95 ( 51 % ) on webcam ? 52 ( 28 % ) while being photographed ? 42 ( 22 % ) in a swimming pool ? 88 ( 48 % ) none of the above 9 ( 4 % ) Votes so far : 183 Personally , I haven 't jerked off in a plane yet , actually , but I 've tried all of the other places . . . If anyone has any good stories to tell , please use the comment field ! I 'm sorry for not writing in a while - but one does have to live as well , to get something to write about . . . : - ) I do spend a lot of time looking around on the internet , but rarely do I find the homepage of someone I 've previously had sex with . That happened to me a time ago , when I stumbled upon Queerjames ' blog . In one of the posts , he had a photo of himself , and I thought I recognized him from a boating trip the year before . He answered that he wouldn 't mind meeting me again - and also suggested that I should blog about the boat trip where we had met . ( His photo seems to be gone now , but he also links to his Gaydar profile , where there are a few , and he also left a photo in my guestbook . ) I 'll certainly write more about the boat trip later - we were seven or eight guys who got naked as soon as we could , and when we found a place to anchor the boat that seemed a bit deserted , we all got to the fun part . Actually , queerjames was occupied with other people most of the time , and I was having fun with some really cute ones , but in the end I ended up sucking him , and he came in my mouth . But as I said ; more about that later . The point right now is that we decided to meet . I believe it was in the middle of June , and we 've been enjoying the summer in Oslo ever since that . It 's not that we want regular boyfriends or anything , it 's just that we have similar interests and have had so much to explore together - beaches , camping , lakes . . . It 's been great and sexy . Of course , I 'll tell all about it later - in more graphic detail . This small note was just to tell why I havent ' had the time to write much lately . . . I 've had people ask me , " If you 're really that turned on by people seeing you nude , why aren 't you in porn ? " That 's a very good question , especially as I 'm turned on just by the thought of doing porn . On the other hand , it 's not that simple . There are many aspects to an answer . One thing is that just the fact that porn seems like the " ultimate " thing to do , also makes me ask myself " What should I do after that ? " If I 'm already having sex in a porn film , wouldn 't that destroy the thrill of being seen naked on a beach ? Another thing is that I 'm of course worried about " what people would say " . And after all , the exhibitionism is all about being turned on by the POSSIBILITY that people might see me , while porn would turn that into a CERTAINTY . I have considered it , though . About a year ago I was in London for a little weekend , and met a cute guy at a gay bar who I ended up going home with . He put on a video which turned out to be a professional porn video featuring him , and he asked me if I had considered doing porn . Needless to say , the video and the question had exactly the intended effect - I got turned on and we had great sex . But the question stayed with me , and in the morning I asked him what I should do if I wanted to try it . He gave me a phone number . So later that day , I made a call . I was asked to come visit " for us to have a look at each other " , and I accepted this . On the subway to the place , I was thinking a lot on whether I would actually dare to go through with this , and how cool it would be . It turned out that they were in the middle of doing a shot in an apartment - for which they didn 't need any more guys . And I just had the chance to talk to the people in charge for a few minutes in between the takes . I got the impression that I would be more than welcome to do a test shot - they even proposed that I could come back two days later . The whole thing seemed very professional , and the guys who were doing the shoot seemed very content - and they were VERY sexy . So actually , I felt quite flattered that I wasPosted by These days , I try to be careful about where I put nude photos of myself - I don 't want to have them all over the internet . However , there are already so many photos I have no control of , that may be published somewhere online . As most guys , I 'm ambivalent towards that : I don 't want my family to see them , but at the same time get turned on by the idea that guys around the world may be looking at my photos . . . I don 't even have any idea of how many photos and even videos of me that are floating around . For instance , when I started having webcam sex , I didn 't worry about this at all . I loved to go to sites ( such as anywebcam . com ) where several people could watch at once , and didn 't mind showing my face , my dick and everything else . Nowadays , I mostly only do webcam sex with one person at a time , and even then try to be a bit more careful . Of course , I know photos were taken when I was doing the nude run when I was a russ , but I also remember other parties and camping trips in which cameras were used a lot . At the time , I just enjoyed getting nude , but now I realize that I haven 't even seen the photos that were taken . In addition , there are of course all the photos that have been taken at nude beaches and places like that . Even last week , a guy asked if he could take a photo of me at the nude beach - and of course , I let him . I also wonder what happened to the photos that were taken during a photo shoot two or three years ago . I had met a guy online who said he was a photographer , and he complained that he had difficulty getting models . I asked what kind of models he wanted , and he said that he simply wanted guys to model nude for him . Preferrably outdoors . Obviously , I couldn 't resist offering to help , so we decided to meet at the harbour in Oslo - then we would sail to some uninhabited place somewhere . As usual , I threw off my clothes as soon as I could , and he had a hard time both controlling the boat and taking photos at the same time . We anchored and landed on a tiny beach , and he started to take some photos . HowevePosted by I notice that many of the stories I 've told you , start in the same way : I 'm naked in some situation or another , and then some people turn up who happen to be interested . This happens to happen quite a lot - at first , I 'm naked in a totally harmless situation , where it 's just " chance " or " forgetfulness " or " carelessness " which makes others see me . Then , when a guy shows interest , things may go further . This is not the only way these things go , however . Sometimes , I 'm the one who happens to see someone else . After my first year at university , I needed money . As I was staying in Oslo anyway , I took a summer job as a postman - delivering the mail to people in the afternoon . Already on my first day at work , I had an interesting experience . I came to a house which had its mailbox fixed to a fence . Actually , the fence was a bit lower where the mailbox was than everywhere else , and as I approached the mailbox to put the mail in , I could see over the fence , and looked directly through the living room windows and at a naked guy who was standing there . I was surprised , and quickly looked away and got on with my route . After all , it was none of my business to look into other people 's homes . However , I couldn 't get the image off my mind - I saw that the guy might be almost double my age ( I was almost 19 ) , but he had a great body … And I loved nudity , after all … The day after , I was interested to see if anything similar would happen . When I came to this house , I had made up my mind that I would get a clear look at him . I approached the mailbox , looked in the direction of his living room windows - but saw nothing . I was a bit disappointed , but only for a second - I gave a start as I saw he was sitting , completely naked , on his terrace . Again , I guess this could not be seen from the street due to his high fence , but it could certainly be seen from where I was . Now , I noticed that he was nicely tanned - all over . It was also difficult to ignore his dick ( even if I had wanted to ) - it was sePosted by In the early summer , I was staying in a friend 's apartment for a few days . It was in an old part of Stavanger , but the apartment was quite nice . What I noticed quite quickly , however ( I have an eye for things like this ) , was that there was a big window in the bathroom , with a view of the other side of the backyard . This was probably all a result of a renovation of the apartment in which the size of the bathroom was increased . Obviously , there were curtains , but I decided to open them , and to see what kind of view the neighbours would get . It was just great - the bathroom didn 't have a shower of its own , but you could have a shower standing in the bathtub , and while having a shower , I could get a nice view of several windows outside . And what 's more important - they would be able to see me , at least from my head to my knees … I 'm easily turned on , so I get turned on just by knowing that someone might see me - even if I have no idea if someone is actually seeing me . So the first time I showered there , I actually got a hard - on just by knowing that I was on display . I was in a hurry for a meeting , however , so I didn 't have the time to do anything more . On the morning after , I was up quite early , and it was still dark outside . As I stepped into the shower , however , I noticed that there was light in a window opposite mine . I also thought that I saw something moving , but as I started showering , the light was turned off , and I couldn 't see anything any more . The light being turned off could of course mean that someone was watching me , so this turned me on . I decided to give a bit of a show , so I made a point of massaging a lot of soap on my chest and then on my ( now erect ) cock . I didn 't want to jerk off , however , as I didn 't know what their reaction might be . Another day went by , and next morning I was going to have another shower . I took off my clothes , and again noticed that there was light in the window opposite me . There was also light in the window next to it . I went into the shower , and again Posted by This story has been read through by the guy in question and approved - on condition that I don 't give any more information on him or which team he 's playing for . Two years ago , I got in touch with a guy on gaydar . We chatted for a while , and I was intrigued . After a while , we had some cam2cam sex , and he was really an athlete . Nice chest , slim stomach and runner 's legs . And a beautiful , shaved and uncut dick which seemed like 18 - 20cm on the screen and which he pumped energetically . At times , he used a cockring - which I find quite sexy on shaved men - and invariably , he came with big bursts that covered his stomach . However , he didn 't show his face . I asked him several times , but he was quite adamant . Usually , I don 't really like that kind of shyness , but in this case the body was so great that it made up for it . After having cam2cam a few times , he sent me a message , saying that he would be coming to Oslo for the weekend , and wondered if I 'd like to hook up on Saturday night . Of course , I said " Sure ! " , and invited him to my place . That 's another thing I don 't usually do - I try to meet people somewhere else the first time , but by this time his body outweighted my carefulness . Five minutes before the time we had agreed , the doorbell rang , and I went to open the door . Surprisingly , I recognized his face immediately . After just a moment of confusion , I asked him " Ah , you 're a soccer player , aren 't you ? " It turned out he was playing in Norway 's top soccer league , and that he was in Oslo to play a game . I do watch soccer from time to time , and also can 't help reading about it in the newspaper , so I have known his face for a while . Now , he was wearing just shorts and a t - shirt , as well as sandals that he left at the door . I was wearing just shorts . I did offer him a drink , and he accepted it , but said that he shouldn 't have more than one , as he was having a game on Sunday - that 's why he was in Oslo in the first place . As we were having a drink , I got a closer look at him . Webcams can sometimes lie , depending on where thPosted by I 've described that after staying at a nude beach for a few hours , I tend to find a place in a shadow to have a break from the sun , and often fall asleep . Almost every time , probably due to the breeze and to the company , I wake up with a raging hard - on . As it 's quite obvious to everybody that I 've been asleep , this usually doesn 't create a fuss , only stares . Once in the summer of 2006 , however , there was a guy who stared even more than usual as I was waking up . As I quickly realized that he liked what he saw , and we were both at the very end of the beach , I didn 't cover up or turn over as I do when there are someone a bit less eager around . Instead , I just put on my sunglasses , found a magazine and pretended to read . However , I saw that he kept staring , and as he was staring , he got a hard - on , too . I 've forgotten to describe him . . . He was beautiful . He was around my age , with a typical " Nordic " look ( blond , light - skinned , uncut ) and with a swimmer 's body . This was in the early weeks of the summer , so he didn 't have much of a tan , but I did notice that he had no tan line . Moreover , he had no body hair - he had obviously shaved . ( I like to have a bush around my cock , myself , but I also enjoy seeing shaved cocks - and to think of the attention he has given it . ) I liked what I saw , and started considering my options . I wanted to go to his place or get him to my place , and judging from our erections , we both wanted the same thing . Just walking over to another guy at the beach often feels a bit too intrusive , so usually I just go for a swim , smiling to my " target " as I pass . That worked this time as well - I walked to the water ( managing to keep my dick in only a semi - erect state so as not to be too conspicious ) , and he followed within a minute . " Have you been here long today ? " he asked , and I answered that I arrived about one o ' clock . " Wow " , he said , " I have only been here for two hours , but I have to go back home soon . " " By bus ? " , I asked . " No , I have a car here . I could give you a lift if you need to get to town . " " SuPosted by |
I googled " what to do instead of facebook . " I think facebook is what has been fueling all of my irritability , because there are so many people in the world who are just … nasty . People are assholes nowadays , which ties in with my post yesterday . I think the more I get wrapped up in seeing what is out there on the internet that people post on their facebook , the more I realize that more people get worse every day . People get offended by what others think , but there must be quite a few people out there who do things to get recognition , or to see how far they can push social limits . It 's actually really discouraging , to be honest . I have seen that 90 % of the people with whom I 've come in contact just don 't have compassion anymore . It 's all about them and what they want , whether someone tells them not to do it or not . There is a complete disregard for the law , and equally a disregard for the compassion of others . I know I have said that people should stay out of other people 's business , but compassion is different . You don 't have to be in someone 's business to be courteous and realize that the things you do could affect them . Actions that don 't seem to affect anyone but yourself can affect other people . Those people who do drugs affect their families ' emotional state and sometimes even their financial state . The people who have to be out in front of everyone in a line or out driving affect others because people don 't like confrontation , and those who drive recklessly put others at risk of property damage or even worse , the possibility of a fatal crash . When I did my google search , there were some other searches suggested at the bottom . Three out of about ten of them asked , " what to do instead of cutting . " I can 't say that I have ever been suicidal , although the thought has crossed my mind about what would happen if I was actually gone . I can say , however , that I know how it feels to have mental pain that I couldn 't figure out how to relieve . I was a preteenager , or maybe thirteen , so it has been quite a few years since then and I have changed my outlook on how to relieve pain . But I know that there are still people of that age out there who haven 't moved past it yet and are suffering , because of someone else 's choices or actions . I think sometimes the struggle for me is to understand why people have to act the way they do . Has the media so affected us that we see someone that has power and we need to feel as if we have power over someone else ? The need for power is probably ingrained in us and has been for many years , because if we submit to other people , we might lose out on resources that we need to survive . But many things that we encounter today have nothing to do with getting resources . Using my driving example , is cutting someone off really going to help you get where you need to go any faster ? Is being discourteous helping you at all ? All that does is frustrate someone else and make you angry . There have been at least three instances in my city within the last month where someone got a bad case of road rage and shot someone else . At least one person died , because two cars were on the road traveling somewhere and one person didn 't like how the other person was " in their way " or what have you . It 's really discouraging . I can safely say that I have lost 90 % of my faith in humanity . So , instead of subjecting myself to the plights of people I wouldn 't ever meet in real life by staying on social media , and I would like to try to focus on what I am doing to make sure my life is happy . I have been interested in learning the German and Russian languages lately , and there are several woodworking projects that I would love to get started and completed . I am working toward becoming a law enforcement officer , so I need to train for that , physically and mentally , to learn how to assist people on the calls I will get while staying emotionally detached so their problems do not become my mental problems . DISCLAIMER : I know some of this won 't make much sense or will seem scatterbrained . I 'm aiming to clean it up before I do anything else with it , but I can 't seem to write anything coherent anymore , so I 'm leaving it as is for now . Please forgive the work in progress . " Mia Sprague , please . It 's urgent , " the male voice said with a quavering voice . " May I ask what this is about , sir ? Dr . Sprague is very busy , " the middle - aged nurse said , keeping her voice steady despite her rising heart rate . She had gotten three calls like this so far today , and the nurse before her had gotten two . " Okay , sir , please bring this man to our hospital right away ; Dr . Sprague will want to see his symptoms . Please do not let him come in close contact with anyone . Do you understand ? Do not allow him to get close to anyone , and do not let him breathe on you or touch you . " " Yes ma ' am , we 're on our way right now . I called you right after we started driving . Will Dr . Sprague see us soon ? " " She 'll make time for you , sir . We need to deal with this . I shouldn 't tell you this , but your friend is one of several coming in with those symptoms . It seems to be becoming a problem . Don 't tell anyone though , alright ? We don 't want to cause a panic . " Eleven patients with the same symptoms in two days . And I still haven 't been able to create a vaccine . And there 's no telling how many people those eleven people infected . We 're about to have an epidemic on our hands , and maybe even a pandemic , Dr . Sprague thought as she sat at her desk with her office door locked . There wasn 't much she could do while she waited for the lab techs to duplicate the three new batches of the vaccine she was going to try . The nurse 's eyes went round with fear and both women ran to the quarantine sector , yelling to the nurses right outside the room to take the live patients to the other quarantine room directly across the hall . As the nurses did what they were told , the doctor watched the dead patients , looking for any kind of movement . She wasn 't even sure there would be any movement , but with how little they knew about this virus , anything was possible . The other nurses took several steps away , covering their mouths and noses with the lapels of their scrubs . The doctor closed her eyes and dipped her head , as if she was praying . " And you haven 't said anything before now . " " Well , everyone , we 've now all been exposed . And with how we have to move around here , the rest of the people in the hospital have also been exposed . I 'm putting the entire hospital on lockdown . All of you , stay away from other people now . Don 't go to the break rooms or anything , in case others haven 't been exposed . " Dr . Sprague placed the lapel of her jacket over her nose and mouth and picked up the phone on the corner to call the head of the department . Soon after she hung up , the head of the department spoke over the PA , " Attention all medical staff , patients and everyone within the hospital , due to unforseen circumstances , the hospital must be placed on lockdown until further notice . No one is allowed to leave the building and no one is allowed to enter . We 're sorry for any inconvenience . The police have been called to act as enforcement of the lockdown and will be strategically posted outside the building , so do not be alarmed . Thank you . " There were five of them left in the house . The monsters outside had gotten hold of the other four . Z - day had arrived a few months ago - zombies were everywhere outside . They walked into and out of the unlocked houses in the area , knowing that they smelled the live meat in the one house that was locked , but they couldn 't reach it . The five left had seen what those monsters did when they found someone that wasn 't dead like them . It was horrifying , but they hadn 't been able to take their eyes away from the gruesome sight . The dead people grabbed the live one and tore him to pieces , shoving the raw muscle into their mouths like animals . The five left - Jerry Myers , Claudia Goodman and her twin sister Cynthia , Michael Monroe , and Logan Fisher - had enough ammunition to take care of the ones in the area . Michael and Logan had been United States Marine snipers , so they took extermination duty and the trips to get more ammunition and gasoline for the cars . Jerry and Cynthia took care of finding food , shooting down birds with a bow and arrows they found in one of the neighborhood houses and ravaging stores for what was left . They had to go farther and farther to find food now , but the sounds of Michael 's and Logan 's gunshots drew zombies from miles around to exterminate close to their house , so trips weren 't too dangerous anymore . Claudia spent most of her time sitting in the corner of the master bedroom 's small walk - in closet crying . Jerry had been a personal trainer for several years , but before that he had been in a gang until a rival gang member threatened his mother . He was jumped out , and led a productive life . Cynthia was an office professional who worked for a company who sold alcohol . Claudia went from minimum wage job to minimum wage job because she got bored or because the job wasn 't good enough for her . With the exception of the twin sisters , none of the nine had known each other before the zombie outbreak . They had all been wandering looking for food and had found each other little by little . As they traveled , they found the house they claimed unlocked and stocked with several weeks ' worth of food and water . It was a roomy four bedroom house , and they made it work even with nine people . On a mission to find food , four of the nine had been attacked , just three blocks away from the house . Logan had seen them coming from his post on the roof and advised the others to help while he took well - aimed shots , but the four in the house hadn 't heard Logan 's warning , and didn 't make it to help the four who were on their way back . Logan finished exterminating the monsters in the area and went into the house to tell the others what happened . They were shocked and felt guilty about not helping , but there wasn 't much they could do after it happened . They walked the few blocks to gather the food and back to the house to have a few moments of silence . They settled into a routine and assigned the duties of extermination and hunting , and Claudia had been assigned the task of keeping the house tidy , but she frequently disregarded her task . The three men were getting tired of Claudia 's uselessness . She had become a waste of food and space . Jerry proposed using her as bait to draw in more zombies to kill , but Cynthia would have none of that . Logan proposed Cynthia shut her mouth and realize that in times like this , either one contributes or becomes bait , but Cynthia ignored him . Michael kept his mouth shut , but as soon as Cynthia wasn 't paying attention , he told the other men that he agreed with Jerry 's proposal . She walked up behind Logan and whispered , " Cover me , okay ? I 'm just going around the corner . Make sure they don 't get near me , okay ? But don 't look at me peeing ! " Logan and Michael stared blankly into the inky void and heard Claudia gasp . Immediately after that , they heard a loud snap , like someone had broken a tree branch . They got up and went to see what happened . Jerry had redressed Claudia and thrown her over his shoulders in a fireman 's carry . He scaled the exterior gate , coming to the high fence that separated the backyard from the street . Carefully , he lifted her limp body off his shoulders and set her up on the wall . He set her feet between his own on the top of the wall , leaning her body first against his own and then attempting to stand her up straight . He leaned her back and let go of her . Jerry noticed the two other men coming up behind him . " She didn 't say anything . Just came out here like she was gonna take a leak and we didn 't ' hear anything but that crack . Right fellas ? " he asked , raising his eyebrows and nodding his head to convince the men that the story would work . Michael just shook his head in disbelief as he walked back to his chair in the middle of the backyard . Logan nodded , letting out what seemed to Jerry to be a sigh of relief . Jerry let himself drop from the wall , landing on his feet . He walked over to the house , coming to the window of the bedroom Cynthia slept in . In a few seconds , Cynthia flew out the back door , hair sticking up everywhere , clothes wrinkled and off - center from sleep . " What ? What happened ? " Cynthia 's mouth fell open and her legs gave out , and she crumpled to her knees on the damp grass . Michael went to her , placing her between his legs so he could cuddle her and keep her warm and comfort her all at the same time . For a few moments , the four sat in silence . The harder she scratched away at her forearm , the quicker the flesh pulled away from the muscle underneath . From outside the sealed quarantine unit , Doctor Mia Sprague watched in dismay as she saw her patient 's body fall apart . Her fourth attempt at a vaccine had failed . The virus was still too powerful , or perhaps she just hadn 't analyzed the entire virus and its characteristics well enough . This woman was going to die and her body would reanimate , just like the movies they made . God only knew what she would act like , however . Would she be fast ? Slow ? Eat all available flesh or just the brain ? Would she be superhuman strong or retain her current body 's strength ? How fast would her reanimated body decay ? How contagious was this virus ? Had she already infected others ? She was the second patient that had come in with this condition , so obviously the virus was present in the general population , but she had had a close relationship with the last patient . And the last patient had effectively set herself on fire in her own house when Dr . Sprague had told her what would happen when the virus took over her entire body , so they didn 't know what would occur if the patient was allowed to reanimate . Dr . Sprague had to tell the media . She needed to have them tell everyone who had unexplained flesh wounds or thinning of the skin to come to her hospital to address a non - life threatening condition . She knew that the virus was , in fact , life - threatening , but she couldn 't cause a panic . She couldn 't afford to cause panic yet . Heidi Baker kept picking at her wound . First the nail of her index finger to start a foothold of sorts , then slipping the pad of her index finger between that foothold and the muscle underneath . The skin gave way , tearing and pulling away from her body , turning white as the tissue died . It hurt , but she felt compelled to keep picking at it , as if she were someone else pulling the flesh from her arm . She knew she needed to stop before she pulled all the skin from her arm , but she couldn 't seem to make herself stop pulling at the loose flesh . There wasn 't a stopping point like other wounds she had had in the past . The more she pulled , the more came loose . She was really sick . The medicine hadn 't worked . She was going to die , probably from exposure to the elements without the protective barrier of skin , even though she was in a quarantine room in the hospital that was kept super extra clean . She even had her own heating / air conditioning system so she couldn 't catch any other illnesses from other patients in the hospital and so she couldn 't infect any other patients with her virus . They didn 't even have a name for the virus she carried yet . Her doctor hadn 't even told her any other symptoms that would happen to her . She was finding out about symptoms as they happened to her . For example , one of her molar teeth had started to feel loose the past couple of hours , and she couldn 't help pushing her tongue against it to see how much looser it was feeling by the hour . She hadn 't had a chance to tell her doctor about that yet though . The stupid bitch was just standing outside the room , watching her with a concerned look on her face instead of out in her lab or wherever doing research on how to fix this problem . She obviously wasn 't coming in anytime soon , either , because she was still wearing her nice clothes and pristine white lab coat , not those horrid orange hazard suits the staff had to wear when coming into the quarantine room . She stopped picking at the flesh on her arm , got up from her bed , and pulled the curtain to cover the window and went back to her bed . She didn 't feel like being a zoo animal any longer . All she wanted to do was follow Sarah and go home to set herself on fire . On second thought , no , she didn 't want to set herself on fire . She had been devastated to find out how Sarah had killed herself . Heidi had always had a feeling that Sarah had a tendency toward suicidal thoughts , but she never thought that those thoughts would be violent . Perhaps Sarah had pictures of Hollywood - style zombies in her head and she didn 't want there to be a chance of becoming one of the undead , so she burned herself and her house . Heidi took a minute to think about why Sarah committed suicide the way she had . Had she been right ? Was this virus going to be the cause of a zombie outbreak like in the movies and comic books ? She couldn 't be right . In the movies , people looked completely normal until they died and came back to life . They didn 't start rotting before they even passed away . She found some comfort in that thought . I 'm sorry . I 'm sorry , Jasmine . In the rear view mirror , there was only blackness . In fact , all there was around me was blackness . That 's how I wanted it . If it had been light , that would have meant that the garage door was open . No , for this , the garage door had to be closed . I had even sealed up the hole through the wall where the dryer vent opened to the outside so there was no ventilation at all . I loved the car I was sitting in . It was basically the only thing that was truly loyal to me . But even that was because I took care of the machine 's needs . Every leak , every scratch , tires , fluids - they were all meticulously attended to . I wanted the purr of the engine to sound like a plea for me not to do what I had planned . But all it sounded like was the throaty growl of the machine 's need to run . My cell phone was on the console next to me and I kept looking at it , almost hoping someone would call and tell me something that sounded like they appreciated me . But nothing came . I ran my hand over the Challenger 's leather seats and the dashboard , as if I was saying goodbye . I didn 't know how long it would take for the carbon monoxide and other gases to fill the garage to a lethal level , but I hoped it didn 't take very long . Actually , I lied earlier . There was one other thing that was truly loyal to me besides the car . And that thing 's name was Jasmine . She was so beautiful , and she always did her best to make me feel better when someone would treat me like garbage . I always had a suspicion that she wanted something out of me , but over time it faded , and I knew that she really cared for me . I almost felt guilty for wanting to go through with … . I couldn 't even think of what I was doing . It was just … The Plan . I couldn 't bring myself to think of what I was about to do . I was just going to let it happen now . But a part of me felt guilty for doing this to Jasmine . I didn 't know how much she loved me , but if she loved me at all , this would hurt her . A lot . She seemed like she honestly did love Then the phone rang . It was Jasmine . I picked up the phone and hit the " send " button . As always , she didn 't let me talk much , but it was so good to just hear her voice . When she finally stopped talking , I realized that she was waiting for a response . I hit the button on the remote to open the garage door . Got out of the car and went into the house to shower really quick . I couldn 't smell anything on me , and as far as I know , the gases that come out of a car 's exhaust are odorless , but I couldn 't have Jasmine thinking that I was trying to do anything . So I went to pick her up and when we got to McDonald 's , I bought her the McFlurry . I owed it to her for almost leaving her today . I know she didn 't know what I was doing , but I owed it to her . While we sat there , she leaned against me and I could smell her vanilla body wash , like she had just gotten out of the shower , too . I smiled and nodded , gently pushing against her so she 'd get up . She took my hand , like she was leading me back to my own car . We drove out to a somewhat remote spot and I made sure there weren 't any cars close enough to us to see anything . She loved to sit in my lap in the car , with her knees bent over the center console and her feet on the passenger seat . If it had been anyone else , I would have been furious about shoes on my seat . But Jasmine , she could get away with murder . That night was amazing , even though all we did was make out . She and I had lost our virginity to each other already , but we didn 't do anything much that night . When I dropped her off at home , she wanted me to come in and put her to sleep and just leave through the garage , and I did . I cuddled her and ran my fingers through her hair and kissed her shoulder until I felt her body relax and her breathing even out . And I left when I knew she was asleep deep enough that I wouldn 't wake her . My phone rang again the next day , which was the day before yesterday . I was scared that something had happened with Jasmine like she got sick or someone broke in to her house or whatever . But the number was one I didn 't recognize . I picked up , curious as to who had the wrong number this time . But it was actually someone I knew . I knew her very well . Her name was Carina . She was one of the popular ones at school . And she always gave me a hard time , but she had left me alone after we graduated . But she called that night , thinking that I could laugh about all the things they did to me . All it did was remind me that people are cruel . And I made up my mind . I 'm going to call Jasmine and have her come over tomorrow , even though I wish I could do it tonight . But she 's busy tonight . I know it 's going to kill her , but I want her to be there when I do it . I don 't want to die alone . JASMINE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY SUICIDE . I 'm doing this because I can 't handle being here anymore . I love you , Jasmine , but I can 't stand to live anymore . John ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It 's obviously hard to hear when someone commits suicide . You just think about how bad things must have seemed for them to see no other way out . Only the most morbidly curious ask how the deceased person committed suicide , but I find myself one of those people . I won 't go out of my way to find out , of course , but I do like to know when it was someone I was close to . somehow I always find myself wondering how the next of kin finds the guts to clean up the mess . I mean , if the deceased used a gun or slashed their wrists , there 's a huge mess to clean up . Same possibility with pills I guess , if there was vomiting before the death . I can 't imagine walking into a room expecting someone to be going about their usual activities but finding them with half their head missing , brains on the wall , and a gun in one hand . Or a body 's worth of blood all over the bathroom or their bedroom . Are there cleaning companies that specialize in cleaning messes that dead people have left behind , to take the emotional burden off the kin ? I can imagine that there should be … I 'm sure thousands of suicides and murders happen every day across the country . But anyway , I 'm getting off track . I got on this subject because I found out the hard way about the suicide of someone I loved very much . His name was John . Actually … he did it right in front of me . I had been close to him for several years , so I knew that he worried a lot . he spent money and then worried about something happening that would require the money he had just spent , like a health issue or something . A lot of people made fun of him because he was born with cleft palate and he had the surgery to fix it , but people still made fun of him . When he and I started getting close , he called me his angel . He always told me that I was the one who kept him sane because I loved him and treated him like he deserved to be treated . Actually … we fell in love . We were dating . Everyone thought I was too pretThe cops and an ambulance showed up pretty soon after I called 911 , going by the time I made the call and the time it was when they showed up . I know because I was looking through his phone 's call record when they got there , There was only one unsaved number in the record , and it had to be hers . The one who pushed him to the edge . I memorized her number and his his phone closed and the note ready when they knocked on the front door . I opened it for them and led them to the room where his body was . I wasn 't surprised when they told me to put my hands up , turn around , and spread my legs so they could pat me down and put me in handcuffs . I told them about the note and his phone , which I had put on his bed . The police put both in evidence bags . They took me to the regional police station and put me in an interrogation room . They asked me exactly what happened and I told them . The officer who was leading the interrogation seemed to believe what I told the , . He asked if I had read the suicide note . When I said no , he took the iPad that was on his lap and pulled up the picture he had apparently taken of the note . He brought his chair closer to mine , putting the iPad in front of me . I read the note and I was … to say the least , heartbroken . The first thing he wrote was that he was sorry . Typical of a suicide note , as I understand it . But then he said he did it while I was there because he didn 't ' want to die alone . He also wrote how he loved me , but that he just couldn 't go on and went on to tell why he couldn 't handle life anymore . He had dated the note and put the time on it , and the officer asked me what I was doing on that day . I was at my little cousin 's choir recital . The officer left , presumably to call around and verify my alibi . When he returned , it was to remove the handcuffs from me and explain that there were pictures of me at the recital that someone emailed to him . they knew that I could not have coerced John into writing the note that assured police that I had not killed him and simply made Search |
first times , lesbian , pussy lickingShe came back into the locker for the third time in about 5 minutes . I wondered if she had lost something - but she did not appear to be looking for something she looked like she was searching for someone . I had just put the last of my clothes in my locker and grabbed my towel , when my hair clip fell on the floor . I bent over to pick it and flipped my long blonde hair forward and twisted it quickly . I heard a soft whistle from behind me and glanced over my shoulder to see what the fuss was all about . With my hands still clipping my hair high up on my head so that I could slip a bathing cap over it , I saw the woman that had been searching the locker room was now staring at me . She was an elegant looking woman about 30 , with shoulder length ebony hair . Her skin was a creamy complexion ; it almost glowed under the lights . The navy blue bikini hugged her like a lovers touch . Her green eyes were sparkling as she glanced over my body from head to toe . " Can I help you " , I asked trying to break the tension that had settled in the air between us . " I certainly hope so . I seemed to have lost my cell phone . I was hoping my friend was still in here and that she could help me find it , but she has left . " The shapely woman said in a husky voice . " My name is Sarah . " She said as she extended her hand to me . " Kelly . " I replied and shook her hand . " Are you here for the therapy pool or the lap pool ? " Sarah inquired . " I always start with the lap pool then the head over to the therapy pool and finish in the hot tub . " " Same her , but there is a birthday party going on in the lap pool . One of the physical therapist 's 8 year old daughter has about 30 of her closest friends in there . They have the pool for another 30 minutes One of the perks of working here I guess . " " If you need to use my phone , here it is . " I reached into my locker grabbed it . I held it out to her . " Thanks . " Sarah took my cell and dialed in a number . The phone beeped once , Sarah glanced down at the screen and ( more … ) bisexual , fingers , first times , girls kissing , lesbian " Shut up , shut up , SHUT UP ! " Ashley groaned and buried her face in her pillow as she screamed that phrase for the hundredth time . " Why can 't they just give me some peace ? " she cried and wrapped the silken pillow around her head and kicked her long legs up and down on the bed in a frustrated tantrum . But as the loud music and laughter drifted upstairs from the sorority party on the first floor , Ashley sighed and admitted that this discomfort is what she deserved . Ashley was a sophomore at the local university , not far from her home in Massachusetts . During her freshman year , she lived in the dorms , but had decided to join one of the university sororities . Ashley had rushed for the Tri Kappa Sigma sorority as a freshman , and after several grueling weeks of hazing and serving the established sisters , she was finally accepted and welcomed . As a member of the sorority , Ashley gained all the privileges of a sister , including the option of moving out of the dorms and into the off - campus sorority house as a freshman , before any of the other students were allowed to move off - campus . However , Ashley wasn 't so sure she could handle living with her numerous sisters , whose parties had become the stuff of legend around the campus . Ashley was an academic - minded girl , attending the university due to a full academic scholarship , and she knew full well just how hard it would be to maintain the required 3 . 60 or higher GPA to keep that scholarship while living in the dorms , much less at the sorority house . So Ashley declined and finished out her freshman year in the dorms . However , upon returning to school this September for her sophomore year , Ashley was convinced by her best friend and sorority sister , Kali , to move into the sorority house . Now , on this particular night , as the music sounded louder than ever before , Ashley really regretted her decision . It was balmy September night in the beginning of the semester . One of those last lingering days of summer that just wo ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , first times , lesbian , slut wifeAllow me to introduce myself . I am John Rayn , 34 year old vice chairman of Sabre Construction Industries . I am staying at the Ramada Grand Jarvis Hotel in Leicester on a business trip . It is a nice hotel room with a double bed and a view onto the inner courtyard of the hotel , away from the traffic . My 29 year old secretary is with me in the room across the hall to take dictation and deal with my paperwork . My business concluded for the day I pour myself a drink from the mini - bar and sit down in the arm chair . Switching on the TV I get the usual load of rubbish programs . My gaze wanders around the room , clean and impersonal , and falls on the window . I look out across the darkening courtyard at the brightly lit rooms on the other side . In one window a sexy blonde young co - ed is looking out too , just about to close her curtains . She spots me and blows me a kiss before stripping off her t - shirt to reveal a nice C - cup chest encased in a multi - colored bikini . My cock stirs in my pants at the sight of her taut , smooth body and she waves at me , closing the curtains . I linger in the window for a few seconds , my penis stirring as thoughts cross my mind . Shaking my head , I start to unbutton my shirt , stripping it off to reveal my well - muscled chest . Leaving it draped over the back of the chair I head into the en - suite to have a shower . The warm jets hit my body and caress their way down my skin and I feel my muscles relax . I detach the shower head and use it to wash all over , enjoying the feel of the water tickling me . I find my mind returning to the sexy student in the room across the courtyard and I think about how I 'd love to play with her tits , squeezing and caressing them , pulling and teasing at her nipples . It has been so long since I last had sex and I didn 't give in to pleasuring myself very often either . The thoughts of the co - ed , however , were enough to rouse me and now here I was , thinking about her kneeling in front of me naked , sucking my cock . I let the show ( more … ) exhibitionism , fingers , lesbianFinally , we were going to visit Australia . For years my wife and I had been planning this trip . We 'd promised ourselves that one day we would go " down under . " Now at last we were on our way . For Christmas my parents had given us two first - class tickets on QANTAS , the Australian airline . From Los Angels it was a 14 - hour flight , so the first class seats were very welcome . I turned and looked at Lynne as she sat next to me . For 35 she was looking fine . Her long brown hair hung down to her waist and her full high breasts still showed no sign of sag . We indulged in the complimentary Champagne and enjoyed the delicious food , not giving any thought to the poor souls back in economy . After dinner we ordered another bottle of wine and sat back to enjoy the movie . On first class you have individual screens and a selection of movies and Lynne and I both decided to watch " Eyes Wide Shut . " This turned out to be very sexy in parts and by the end of the film I was sporting a large hard - on . I noticed that Lynne was squirming in her seat and decided to try to feel her up . We both had blankets over us and slowly I slid my hand over beneath her blanket and started to run my fingers up her thigh . Lynne immediately grabbed my wrist . " Stop that , someone will see us , " she whispered . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . " First class is practically empty . No - one will notice . " Lynne reluctantly released my wrist and I continued to slide my fingers up underneath the short skirt she was wearing . Soon my fingers came in contact with the strip of cotton of her panties and I gradually eased my fingers under the leg band and started rubbing her pussy . By now Lynne was moving around in her seat and her movements must have caught the attention of our stewardess . I looked up to see a beautiful blonde in QANTAS uniform standing by Lynne 's seat . She could see the outline of my hand as it pushed back and forth between Lynne 's legs and by now the was a definite smell of pussy in the air as Lynne reacted t ( more … ) at work , fingers , first times , lap dance , lesbian " I 'm off to work ! " I was laying across my bed reading a book and listening to music when my roommate and friend , LaDonna , peeked into my room . " Ok , girl , " I said , looking up briefly from the page that I was reading . " Make me a lot of money , " I joked , though I already knew that she would . She had recently gotten a job as a waitress a little over a month before and had been bringing in good money since she had started . I was glad for her AND myself because she was now able to be on time with her share of the bills . Fortunately , the bills weren 't too bad . We lived rent free in a nice 4 - bedroom Victorian style house that my grandmother had left me when she passed away . The bills weren 't too bad , so we always managed . I let Donna move in with me so that she could get on her feet after her husband of one whole year left her high and dry ( he even took the car that she had paid for with her income tax money ! ) . She had been working different odd jobs and temp jobs to do her share and I knew it wasn 't easy , so I didn 't bug her much about it . As long as she was trying to help I didn 't care , especially since she helped me do some minor renovating on the place . After all she was my friend and I didn 't have the heart to be a bitch about a few extra dollars on the bills . But on with the tale … . Where was I ? OH ! ……… " Make me a lot of money . " " Only for you , Chelly Belly , " she joked back , calling me by the nickname that used to drive me nuts . She shifted the black duffle bag that she carried from one shoulder to the other . " Is your ride here already ? " I asked , forever playing the surrogate mother in spite of the fact that she was actually older than me by a few months . " Yes , dear , " she said with a smile . " I 'll see you in the morning . " " Okay , " I told her . " You be careful . You know I 'm not too crazy about this whole ' night shift ' thing you got going . " " I 'm safe , " she told me for the umpteenth time . " You worry too much . ( more … ) Big tits , first times , lesbianThe maid knocked on the door for the third time , rather pointlessly it seemed . She had obviously rushed out or fallen asleep . To her surprise , the door opened to reveal a beautiful woman , dressed only in a very short , see - through dressing gown . " Come on in , " she said as if her mind were occupied with other things . The maid rushed past , half embarrassed for the woman and her lack of clothing . The door was closed behind her , much to the maid 's surprise . " On the coffee table please . " The young maid set down the champagne and made for the door , deliberately passing the woman for her tip . She leaned against the wall by the door , arms folded . The maid gave a quiet sigh of resignation and turned the door handle . " If there 's anything else don 't hesitate … " " Can I ask a favour of you ? ' said the woman . " Uhh , sure , " said the maid . " That 's what we 're here for . " " What bra size are you ? You look pretty big … " The girl quickly shut the door in her embarrassment . " It 's just that I really need a bra for tonight and I 'm sure you could lend me yours , if it 's the right size of course . " " Umm . . Well I 'm a thirty four D , so I doubt if … " " My size exactly . " She knew the woman was lying ; she looked double D at least . After examining her breasts , she noticed her entire body was wet which made her dressing gown cling to her . She 'd been in the shower , her reason for lateness at the door . anal sex , at work , big black cocks , blowjobs , domination , fucking , lesbianTara Andrews muttered as she walked to her closet . What on earth was she going to wear ? Dan , her husband , had received an invitation to an exclusive party held by his boss . These parties were known throughout town as ' social events ' and a personal invite was a coveted treasure . That still didn 't solve the problem of clothing . It had to be perfect . Tara wasn 't sure why she felt that way , but she did . And though excited about attending such a famed party , she couldn 't shake the nagging feeling that something was wrong . It was nothing she could put her finger on , just an unsettling sensation deep in her stomach . In an attempt to rid herself of the feeling , she pulled the terrycloth towel off her head , allowing her wet dark hair to tumble down . Tiny rivers of water ran down her delicate shoulder blades to the small of her back . Her alabaster skin goose - bumped from the slight chill . With a toss of the towel knotted around her , Tara made her way to the closet for one last perusal . She decided on red . The red slinky dress with the spaghetti straps which clung to her figure so nicely . It was elegant , dressy and had just a touch of sexiness . The mid - length hem would be appropriate while still showing off her well - toned legs . Confident in her selection , she finished her make - up and started on her hair . There was still forty minutes before they had to leave . A quick blow dry and a simple twist and she would be on time . Exactly on schedule , Tara walked down the stairs to see Dan patiently waiting for her . His eyes shone bright as he watched her approach . Yes . She had made the right selection . Tonight would be a night to remember . Tara sat in awe as they drove up the long driveway . The house that stood before them was vast in size and stature . This was not a house , but a mansion . Never had Tara seen anything like it . The whole front was done in a stone and brick design , interweaved perfectly to create an old English design . The front lawn and garde ( more … ) at school , girls kissing , lesbianBecky sat on the cracked red plastic of the coffee shop 's last booth and glumly stared into her cup . Her whole life seemed , at that moment , to stretch out as an unending source of boredom . Two weeks out of High School , two weeks for the excitement of graduation to wear off , and she had to face the reality that High School was going to be the absolute best time of her life . It made her want to cry . " Damn it ! It wasn 't even that good ! " She told the salt and pepper shakers , " I don 't want that to be the best there is . " Angry tears , the same angry tears she 'd been fighting for days , welled up and threatened to drop . One day she 'd let them fall . She hadn 't already because she 'd a good idea it wouldn 't help . " Um , Hi , Becky . " It was Christie , the most popular girl in the school . The head cheerleader . The Homecoming Queen . The Prom Queen . Becky had always been torn between hating Christie 's guts and envying her everything . " Hi , Christie . " What does she want ? Becky wondered . " Can I , uh , can I join you ? " Christie was nervous about something , it was plain from the hesitancy and the way she shifted from one foot to another . Her big , cornflower colored eyes stared anxiously into Becky 's . Intrigued , Becky nodded and motioned to the bench opposite . " Go ahead . " Christie slid into the booth and smiled brilliantly at Becky . " Thanks . So what have you been doing since graduation ? " Becky knew she was staring , knew she should stop , but it was so strange to have Christie even talking to her , let alone making conversation . At school Christie was the center of the in - crowd , and they almost never mixed with the black kids . " Nothing , much . I 'm trying to figure out what I 'm going to do . " Christie hesitated then looked at her hands as she said , " I sorta thought you were going to marry Richie . " Did she want Richie ? Was that it ? " No . I 'm not getting married . I don 't think I 'll ever get married . " Why did she say that ? Becky didn 't want Miss Popular know ( more … ) anal sex , domination , girls kissing , lesbian , slut wife " Hold the elevator ! " Called Brad , as he and his wife Sue raced along the empty corridor of their apartment bock . As the door began to close , he saw a small , slender hand hit the door open ' button on the control panel , and the door slide smoothly back with a quiet hum . " Thanks " he said as he stepped aside , allowing Sue to enter first . " No problem " Brad looked at the owner of the voice . A young woman he had not seen in the building before . A petite frame , clothed in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt . Brad smiled at a pretty , heart shaped face framed by short , rather severe , brown hair . Brad saw that his wife had also noticed the woman and was also smiling sweetly at her . Brad had known that Sue was bisexual before they were married and that she had enjoyed several sexual liaisons since . He didn 't mind in the slightest , as long as she related her experiences to him later when they went to bed ! The one thing that they had never yet managed to accomplish , was for Brad to watch his wife with another woman . Still , he lived in hope ! As the elevator came to a halt on the tenth floor , Brad and Sue let the young woman exit in front of them . Brad felt his arm being squeezed tightly as they followed her along the landing towards their apartment , and were both highly surprised to see her unlock the door to the apartment next to their own . It had been very obvious from the way that Sue first looked at the young woman , that there was an attraction there . Definite electricity , almost like an animal magnetism . As Brad and Sue entered their apartment , their hushed conversation was immediately concerning how Sue would approach the woman next door . Personally , Brad could not see the immediate attraction . He preferred to see women in attire similar to that which his wife habitually wore and that she wore then . As Sue entered the kitchen to put the groceries that she was carrying away , Brad slipped up behind her circling his strong arms around her small waist . He put his face ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , cum eaters , fingers , first times , lesbianMy husband , Jim , has been so understanding of my need to try dating outside of our marriage . I know it was a shock at first , but he seems to be more welcoming to the idea lately . He thinks it 's because I envy Anita 's freedom and want material possessions ; but that 's not it . Ever since Jim 's promotion as Director of the Botanical Garden , we could afford anything I wanted . The truth is , Anita has awakened my sexual desire . For some time , we have been lovers , although we both consider ourselves to be straight . She , quite simply , is an insatiable nymphomaniac . She has taught me how to satisfy her needs and , in the process , has created the same needs in me . She has aroused passions in me that I never knew existed . My date with my husband only made me more aware of these needs - he didn 't satisfy them . I now have a deep - rooted need to be fulfilled by a talented man who understands a woman 's needs and knows how to satisfy them . With her wide array of lovers , Anita recruited her most prized lover , Warren , to be my first date . Warren is an ex - football player who played for our local NFL team . He has gone on to own his own insurance agency and is very successful . He managed his salary from the NFL well , and with his insurance business , he is now a very wealthy man . He has never married , but did have a live - in girlfriend for several years . That relationship produced a daughter who is now 17 years old . His daughter lives with him and he remains close to his former lover . I have never seriously dated anyone other than my husband , and have never had sex with another man - certainly not a black man . Warren was to be my first . Anita warned me that his penis was very large and that he has long lasting power . For days before , we conditioned my pussy with a ten - inch dildo that Anita said approximates his size . " Just in case , " Anita joked . Finally , Saturday night arrived . I hadn 't told Jim who , specifically , I was dating . I just made general comments about h ( more … ) at school , bisexual , first times , groupsex , lesbianCam had been waiting for this night for over a week now . It had taken him a little over a month of coaxing to convince Lanna and Kara to come over and play some strip poker . Lanna and Kara lived across the hall from Cam and his roommate Cory in the college dorm . The girls had finally agreed after Cam had suggested that they play during spring break when most of the students would be back home or off on vacation . After the girls had agreed to play Cam had given them a task . They were each to write down three sexually suggestive activities . These activities would go into a bowl in the middle of the table , that way if you lost the hand and didn 't have any clothes left you would have to draw from the bowl . Cam had set up the card table in the middle of his dorm room and was finishing getting dressed when he heard a knock at the door . Cary stuck his head into the room . " You want me to get that ? " said Cory . " Sure , thanks Core . " replied Cam . Cam took a last look in the mirror . He was a skinny guy , fairly good - looking and very charismatic . He was dressed casual in Jeans and a tight black shirt . After fussing a bit with his hair he turned and walked out into the main room . There he saw that Cory was getting drinks for everyone . Cory was a well - built man with sort blonde hair . The girls were sitting on the coach . Lanna was a petite blonde with shoulder length hair and a tight little body . She was dressed in a short black skirt and a tight long - sleeved red shirt . Kara was a brunette of average height . Her hair was long and very curly . Kara was bigger then Lanna but still thin , she did however have much larger breasts then Lanna . She was dressed tight black jeans and a tight white tank top , under the tank top you could see a bright yellow bra . After a couple of drinks the four sat at their seats at the table . " How about we just play some regular poker ? I don 't know about this . " Said Lanna . Fetish , first times , girls kissing , lesbianSam and Pat had been having an enjoyable time on vacation . They had a campsite and had their camper all set up and homey . It was on a somewhat secluded site and through the week was a quiet place , which worked out nicely . Pat could walk with a long shirt and naked underneath . Sam felt the freedom and was comfortable with just a pair of boxers . One day he had sat on the picnic table and Pat sitting in front of him had sucked him to completion letting his cum spray onto her chest and run down between her breasts . He loved the feel of her lips around his cock , but also got excited watching her masturbate him and making his cock unload while he watched . This was what their sex life was like . Both of them enjoyed fantasies and watching an X movie . If one or the other felt the ' urge ' they thought nothing of ' taking care of it ' and if the other partner wanted to join it was welcomed , but if it was solo there were no hard feelings . They were both in their mid to late 40 's and hadn 't been married long , both of them coming from other marriages , but they had known one another since their late teens . Both liked to hear stories of things that had happened in the others past which usually led to one or both of them getting off . Sam was amazed how Pat 's breasts and pussy had not changed over the years and her body was still as enjoyable and exciting as when they were teenagers . The exception being over the years each had learned how to better enjoy their body and their lovers . He had to leave to take care of some business one afternoon and wouldn 't be back until early evening . As he got ready to leave he gave Pat a kiss , " have a safe trip and think of me and your fantasy from last night . I think I 'll have to take care of something this afternoon . " she smiled . Driving , he got to thinking about the previous night , and he could picture her laying on the bed watching a movie or reading a story and playing between her legs . Pat kept her pussy shaved and he loved to watch ( more … ) first times , lesbianIt was a warm summer evening . My husband was out of town on a business trip , so I decided to ask my girlfriend , Brandi , over for dinner to commiserate with me , since her boyfriend was also out of town on the same trip with my husband . I fixed us a nice dinner , put my girls to bed , then we sat down to drink some more wine and have some serious girl talk . We had been laughing and drinking for a couple hours then our talk turned to sex . Brandi is about my height , with long brown hair , brown eyes , and lips to die for . And her breasts , well , I could tell they were larger than mine , but I guess the rest was going to have to be left up to my imagination . I had many a fantasy about making love to her . Sucking on her breasts and nipples , making them respond to my touch , working my way down to her pussy ; smelling her musky scent , and tasting her luscious pussy . Teasing her clit , making her scream out in orgasm . I had brought myself off plenty with those little fantasies . at school , fingers , first times , lesbian , masturbationI hung up the phone , totally numb . I had just called Jeff to tell him I couldn 't come home this weekend because I had a big exam to study for , and we wound getting into an argument , which culminated with him breaking up with me on the phone . I started crying hysterically , and couldn 't seem to catch my breath . I thought Jeff and I would be together forever , but he just told me not to bother coming home for him , because he didn 't want to see me anymore . I grabbed the phone to call him back , and got a busy signal . I slammed the phone down , and then called my friend Rebecca . I had just met her since I had come to college , but we had quickly become close friends , telling each other things we didn 't tell anyone else . For instance , she told me she was a lesbian , and didn 't want anyone in her sorority to know . She was afraid of the gossip , and of maybe even being kicked out . Becca answered , and through the sobs , I told her what happened . She said she would be right over , and to just try to relax and calm down . I sat there numb , but it didn 't seem like two minutes later , when Becca knocked on my dorm room door . I let her in , and she gave me a big hug , and let me cry on her shoulder . She guided me back to my bed , where she just stroked my hair , and rocked me slowly while I cried my heart out . Big tits , first times , lesbianSeveral years ago , before I was married , I had a nice experience with a friend of mine , a girl I worked with . Her name was Gabby , and she was a black girl of about twenty . She had a pair of the biggest and softest brown eyes this side of heaven , and was just plump enough to be alluring ; huge tits , a big , squirmy bottom , full legs . She looked like she was made of light tan velvet . I was living alone at the time in a small three - room apartment . One Friday evening there was a knock at the door , and when I opened it there was Gabby smiling at me . " They 're decorating my apartment , Cathy , " she said in her soft low voice . " That darned paint makes me sick . Would I be imposing if I asked to spend the night here ? " " Why , of course not , Gabby . You 're just as welcome as the flowers in May , " I smiled . " Come on in . " We watched some TV together , then made ready for bed . I showered , and then the black girl took her turn in the shower . I had never seen a black person nude before , and when she came into the bedroom naked a little thrill ran through me . She was still moist from her bath , I saw . I wanted to stare at her , but I could not . at work , blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , first times , lesbian , slut wifeMy wife never did mind me going to strip clubs whenever I felt like it . She actually would tell me to go . One day I asked her why ? She said that when I come back home , I really put a good pounding to her . I told her that the reason why is because I always imagine her dancing on the stage and doing private dances with guys in the back rooms of the strip club . She looked a little shocked but thrilled at the same time . She said , " that she couldn 't do that … . that she wasn 't built good enough to be interesting to any of those guys . " I told her , " are you crazy ! You 're built a hell of a lot better then any of those strippers … . that she has a huge set of all natural tits while they have fake boobs … . that she was built like a brick house with just enough meat on her bones for a guy to really put a nailing to her . " She just laughed and blushed . We then went to bed and fucked or brains out better then in years while talking about her being a stripper . In the end I just told her to come to the strip joint and see for herself . Since I was a regular costumer of the strip joint , I knew the owner and manager and most of the people that worked there . I approached the manager and owner about my idea of getting my wife to strip at their club . Both of the guys were egar to help out saying , " that they were always looking for new talent " . anal sex , bisexual , blowjobs , fucking , interracial , lesbianAbout two months ago my girlfriend ( Jennie ) and I advertised in a swinger 's magazine for a well hung Black stud to have sex with . You see Jennie and I have been in South Africa for several years now , having moved from London back in 1995 . We 're somewhat gay , and general prefer girl sex to any other kind . But have we also have always had this fantasy about doing it with a well hung black man . Well about two weeks ago we received an envelope with a picture of a young good looking , tall Black stud who had a 10 inch cock and wanted to join us in our fantasy . We contacted him and arranged to meet at our place the following night . When he arrived I thought Jennie was going to cum write there on the spot . His name was Frank and he was better looking in person than in his photo . I wanted to jump his bone right then and there . Big tits , blowjobs , first times , fucking , lesbian , swingers , voyeurAmber stood under the shower head , washing her blonde hair as I watched the water roll off of her toned shoulders , down the small of her back and then over her perfect ass . Ever since we moved into our new house with its glass enclosed shower room , I have been treated to daily shower shows that have made the price of the house seem like a bargain . We 've been married for three years , and while she was hot when we first met at 22 , at 27 she is even hotter . In our three years of marriage , we have had a great sex life and have begun dabbling in some light swinging over the past year . Amber has been very open to trying new things and I was lucky enough to watch her first experiences with another woman this past year . From watching her reaction to those experiences , I knew that she liked playing around with girls , but wasn 't sure if she would ever like it to the point that she would want to do it for her , not for me . Any doubt I had about her potential feelings for women would soon be erased . anal sex , Big tits , blowjobs , first times , lesbian , pussy lickingWe had just been married a few weeks and one night after some hot and heavy fucking we began to talk about what really turned us on . I could not believe what my wife told me and I could instantly feel my cock rising with anticipation of what was to come . My wife Lisa is 25 years old , 5 foot 8 inches tall with wavy blonde hair falling below her shoulders . She has a fantastic body . Her legs are long and thin , her ass is firm and tight and a great set of tits . She turns heads at the mall . I enjoy watching guys looking at her as we walk by . Look all you want guys , but I 'm getting it regular ! She enjoys it also . Lisa is a little of an exhibitionist . She likes to wear tight shorts and tee shirts with no bra . When her nipples get hard and stick out under the flimsy cotton guys start to trip over their tongues . Sex with Lisa is great . She can be slow and sensuous or wild as a beast . Her specialty is blow jobs . She can suck a cock like no one else . Her throat is endless . My seven inches slides down her throat until she licks my balls with her tongue . My cock feels so good when she takes it all in her mouth and sucks on it . I love to cum deep in her mouth . She sucks all the cum from my rod and swallows it or sometimes she holds it and lets it drip from her lips onto her tits . It is wild to see cum dripping from her mouth . ( more … ) domination , fingers , girls kissing , lesbian , pussy licking , teen " Julia , I must say that the table looks absolutely divine , " gushed her good friend Minerva . " I second that motion , " Abra rejoined enthusiastically , " I don 't know how you do it , but every time I eat here it 's like dining at The Rainbow Room . " Julia took her seat at the head of the table as her three dinner companions took theirs , that being Abra , Minerva , and last but certainly not least , Rhonda , who of course every one called Roni . As was their usual custom , they were all dressed up for their once a month dinner party . " So , Julia , " Abra asked , " what 's on the menu for this evening ? . ? " " Are you referring to the dinner menu or dessert , " Julia replied with a laugh . ? . " Either one or both , " Abra retorted . " Well then , " Julia responded , " I guess I 'll answer both of your questions , for dinner it 's poached salmon with almonds , and for dessert , it 's , well let me show you , Mia darling , you may start bringing in the dinner . " All of the eyes at the table turned to see who was coming through the kitchen door . " Oh , my , " Roni gasped , " s - she 's beautiful , where on earth did you find her . ? . " The object of Roni 's question pushed a serving cart to the edge of the table and began placing tossed salads in front of each of the diners . Mia continued around the table until everyone was served and then asked , " Do you need anything else , Miss Julia ? . ? " " Not until the main course , dear , " Julia replied , " you can go into the kitchen and get everything set up . " " Very good , ma ' am , " the young girl replied , " just call if you need me . " After she had left the room , the three ladies all turned to Julia and began asking all sorts of questions all at once , until finally Julia raised her hand and said , " Hold it , one at a time , we have all evening , take it easy . " Minerva was the first to speak and asked , " Good lord , how old is she , she looks so young . ? . " " Eighteen , " she just graduated from high school ( more … ) bisexual , blowjobs , cum eaters , exhibitionism , first times , groupsex , lesbian , pussy licking , teasingI met Kathy at a college football game . Beth , a mutual friend who worked with Kathy , introduced us . Beth is a buxom brunette with a great face and smile . She stands a well endowed 5 ' 6 ″ , 130 pounds , with a tight little behind . Kathy on the other hand , has light brown hair , almost strawberry blond . She also has a great face , but smaller breasts and a great butt . Beth had been married for a few years before Kathy and I were married , but her husband was a gambler and a philanderer . It was only a matter of time before they divorced and the end came sooner , rather than later . This story happened after they had been divorced about 18 months . Kathy approached me one night after a wild night of love . " I have to ask you a favor . " " Anything love . " " It involves Beth . " I expected Kathy to ask for me to hook up Beth with a friend , as she seemed a little down after the divorce . She had gone through two loser boyfriends quickly and I had several available friends . " Beth wants to have a baby before it gets too late . " " Beth is only 28 , she has plenty of time , " I said . " She wants you to father her child . " ( more … ) at work , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , cum eaters , exhibitionism , fingers , groupsex , lesbian , pussy licking , slut wife , teasing , voyeurI 've lead a pretty normal life as a receptionist at a dentist 's office , but that all changed on my 33rd Birthday . I was supposed to pick my husband up after dinner and had plans to take him to a fancy restaurant and seduce him when we got home . I was wearing a new red dress that I just knew would knock him out . He keeps on telling me to show myself off more and not dress like an old maid . Well … this dress showed off . It was so short that I had to keep reminding myself not to bend over and to keep my knees in tight while walking or it would ride - up and show off the garter belt and tiny pink panties that I was wearing . I was waiting in the lobby at my husband 's office when he and his coworkers arrived all at once . A couple of the guys whistled when they saw me … all of them were staring . I hadn 't counted on this … I thought it would just be Vic ( my husband ) . To make matters worse they invited us out for a drink and Vic obviously wanted to go along . So I told them " OK … but just for one drink . " We walked over to this little bar a couple of blocks away . I kept having to pull down on the hem of my dress to keep it from sliding up as I walked . When we finally got to the bar , they sat me in the middle of a big ' U ' shaped booth , the head of the table … ' since it was my birthday ' . Vic took everyone 's order and went to the bar for what seemed like a long time . While he was gone all the attention at the table was on me . The guys all wanted to know where I worked , what I did , what my interests were … It was all very flattering . Many of the guys were leering the tight top of my dress . The dress buttoned clear up to my neck , but it was tight on top and the buttons were a little strained at the bust . It was intended to get my husband 's attention at dinner , and it was obviously getting the attention of these guys . at school , Big tits , bisexual , fingers , first times , girls kissing , lesbian , masturbationCheryl had been my best friend since I joined the cheerleading squad at State College . We would go to the mall together , watch movies together , and study together , you know , just about everything . Cheryl was about 5 ' 9 ″ ( I was a wee bit shorter ) , and had a figure that bespoke ' Modeling Career Here ' . I 'll admit that I wasn 't nearly as attractive , but the guys I dated never seemed to think so . Anyway , Cheryl really surprised me one night after an exciting football game . We had gone back to the girl 's locker room , and I decided to get a shower before we decided what to do for the evening . Once I was nude and under the hot spray of the shower , I got very relaxed . I closed my eyes and stood there , feeling the heat soak into my tired muscles . I was broken out of my bliss by the sound of another shower head turning on . Cheryl was standing at the next nozzle , rinsing her hair . I was surprised to see her buck - naked . Before , we had always pulled curtains between the showers for privacy . exhibitionism , girls kissing , lesbian , masturbation , voyeurThe morning was cool and crisp as I began my hike up the trail to the top of Terry Peak , and although it was late October , the sun was just beginning to warm the South Dakota mountain side . I had been looking forward to the solitude of the mountains all week and relished the thought of two days away from the office . I adjusted my backpack , picked up my walking stick and set off at an easy gait . Being the youngest member of an old line Rapid City law firm was an honor to be sure , but it also meant that the usual and mundane cases were thrown my way , and for that reason this weekend of climbing would take my mind off the sometimes boring humdrum of the weekly grind . While the Black Hills mountains are no Pikes Peak , they can quickly tucker you out if you 're not in climbing shape , and as such , after about one hour I was ready to take a break , pulling off the trail to look for a good spot to rest my legs . As I sat on a rock eating a banana , I heard a giggle coming from a thicket about thirty yards farther off the trail , it sounded like a female laugh , which was followed by another noise that sounded more like a groan . I got up and went to investigate , and as I peered through the bushes I got the surprise of my life , two women not more than 50 feet from me were on a large red blanket naked as jaybirds . It was quite obvious that they weren 't just sunbathing , as the blond had her mouth buried in the brunette 's pussy . The dark haired girl was moaning and twisting her nipples as her lover ate her for all it was worth , and I got an immediate hardon just watching the two go at it . at work , Big tits , blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , Hidden cameras , lesbian , voyeurease don 't cry , Mrs . Moore , " consoled loan officer Jackson Tydman , " this is strictly business , but unless you can come up with $ 400 . 00 by this Friday , we 're going to have to repossess your car , and that 's all there is to it ! " Sitting in a chair across from Jack 's desk , Nancy Moore was fighting to control her emotions , and unfortunately was failing miserably . Tears rolled down her cheeks as she tried to explain to Mr . Tydman that without a car , her husband Joe would lose his job as a traveling salesman . " Believe me when I tell you that I 'm sympathetic to your position , " Jack went on , " but you 're two months behind already , and the bank feels that it would be unfair to our other customers if we let this thing go any longer ! " Thinking fast on her feet , Nancy gave it one last shot , " Well , is there someone else I can talk to about this , like your supervisor or something ! ? ! " Jackson Tydman gave her a long steady gaze and then replied slowly , " Well , I guess it wouldn 't hurt to let you speak with Miss Winters , but I don 't think it will do any good , she generally agrees with my judgment ! " Getting up from behind his desk , Jack excused himself and said he would be right back . He quickly made his way to Blair Winters ' office and stuck his head inside and said , " We got us a real hot one , babe , I 'm going to send her down in a few minutes , she owes eight C 's on their car and her old man needs it for his job as a salesman , I think she would do just about anything to keep from losing that car ! " " I 've got her good and softened up , " he said with wink , " and I think it will only take a little shove to put her over the edge ! " Blair Winters nodded to Jack and replied , " Good , give me a few minutes to review her file and then send her in ! " Jack turned heal and headed back to his office where he found a more composed Nancy waiting patiently for his return . He slid around to his chair , sat dow ( more … ) |
Bow received many gifts this Chistmas : from his uncle , a basket full of fruit , including pineapple , tangerines , oranges , mango , kiwi , apples and pears . From his grandmother , he got a share of the assorted chocolates that she sent for us all . From Lawrence , he got a sturdy army shirt . It 's all in camouflage and says U . S . Army on it . However , Bow has declined to wear the shirt , preferring to use it more like a blanket to lie on , or a flag to wave during aggressive displays . From me , he got a glitter ball , a new green blanket and a Grand Trunk hammock . The hammock was intended to replace Bow 's old teddy bear on which he goes to sleep every night . Bow is nine years old now and will soon turn ten , so even though the teddy bear is gigantic , it 's getting a little small to serve as a mattress . I wanted to replace it with a reasonably priced hammock . The idea is not that Bow can have unlimited access to the hammock , because then he would surely trash it in short order . But at night , when Bow gets very tired , he will not destroy the bear and the blanket I give him to sleep on . That much self control he has , and no more . In the same way , the hammock is something he can have at night unsupervised , but which requires close supervision during the day . It 's very easy to put up the hammock , provided you have something on which to hang the hooks . The first time I put it up though , one side was not secure , and Bow fell to the floor when he attempted to get on . After that , even though I did a better job of securing it , he was very wary . I even showed him that I could lie in the hammock and nothing bad happened , but still he did not trust it to bear his weight . The first few nights after the 25th , I would put up the hammock in the evening , and I would find Bow sleeping on his green blanket on the floor the next morning . But today we 've had a breakthrough . Here is a rather blurry picture of Bow in the hammock early this morning : This morning Sword came to the pen to ask for some help with one of the chickens , who had somehow gotten herself entangled in a wire . I left Bow to go help , but because I am always concerned that Bow will get into trouble if left alone , I hurried to the chicken coop to try to get the hen freed and did not take all the precautions I should have . I put on the big wading boots , went into the muddy chicken enclosure , closed the door behind me and then hurried into the hen house and knelt by the hen who had managed to get herself shackled by one leg . I was trying to untwist the wire around her " ankle " when suddenly , without warning , something flew at me and I felt myself attacked , scraped , scratched and pecked . I didn 't even see my assailant . But no sooner had the attack started , than it stopped , and I found myself with a chicken hanging from my neck like an albatross . It wasn 't the hen . It was the rooster , who had attacked me , but as soon as he got himself tangled in the keys hanging from my neck , became completely calm and peaceful . When I set him down safely in the yard , he was satisfied and felt no further need to peck me . I went into the house to tend to my wounds , and it was eventually Sword who freed the trapped hen . I now have a deep scratch on my face and several bloody wounds on my left arm . After I washed and disinfected the wounds , I went back into the pens with Bow . He had not made a mess , and he waited for me before he eventually used the potty . When I brought out my wad of Kleenex to wipe him , he took a tissue in his hand and gently wiped at the bloody wounds on my arm , instead . Later he spelled : " That was not Bow . " I just hope that nobody who sees me like this will think Bow did this to me . Roosters are a lot more dangerous than chimps ! Someone recently asked me what Bow and Lawrence talk about . They talk about whatever comes up . Yesterday , as Lawrence was coming back from lunch , a brown package was delivered by UPS to our doorstep . It was heavy , like a book . Lawrence brought it in and placed it on the coffee table in the living room as he was coming in to take my place with Bow in the pens . I opened the package . It wasn 't something I had ordered , as I always have things delivered to my PO Box . On the inside , it wasn 't wrapped like a Christmas present , and there was no indication of who had sent it . It was a book entitled A Foreign Policy of Freedom , and it was by Ron Paul . Some anonymous donor had sent it to me . Maybe it had something to do with my recent post on PubWages . Apparently Bow did not have much to say about the book after that . Lawrence thinks Bow was probably hoping the package was a present for him . Later in the day , Bow became very agitated , and when Lawrence asked him why , he spelled : " I don 't like rain . " It was not raining at the time . About an hour later , it started to rain . It was quite a downpour , while it lasted . Bow has been enjoying the toy elephant that my mother brought him during her Thanksgiving visit . He chews on it quietly for hours . Little by little it has been dismembered , losing first its tusks , then the trunk , followed by an ear , a part of a leg , and most recently the entire head . He handed me the elephant and repeated the request . Then I understood that he was interpreting the root of the word as פיל , meaning " elephant " , and he was actually saying something more like : " Elephant me ! " At that time the elephant still had its head , or most of it , and so I started to chase Bow around the pen , touching him with the elephant 's broken trunk edge . The new John Wheatcroft novel , The Portrait of a Lover , is now published and available on Amazon . Who published it ? Inverted - A Press . And who is Inverted - A Press ? Here 's a picture of the staff . We are hoping to sell a few books in time for Christmas , to pay for our daily bread - - or rather bananas , apples and grapes . No , we don 't have federal funding . No , we are not a non - profit . We are not in on any of the usual rackets , and we hope to make some money without taking it away by force from anybody else . Am I serious about my research with Bow ? Yes . Am I serious about my commitment to him ? Yes . But do I think that Bow and I have a higher priority than anybody else ? No . We don 't rate a special tax status , and we don 't come before other people . That said , we could certainly use some money . If you would like to make a contribution to Project Bow this year , you might consider visiting our estore and making a purchase or two . It could be a book you buy for yourself , or one you are buying for a friend . We have books about primatology and about philosophy ; we have children 's books and literary fiction . If you buy a book I wrote , then we gain most . If you buy a book I published but did not write , we profit a little less . If you choose a book that we are merely selling , we still get something out of the deal . Someday , I plan to write a history of Project Bow and what I learned from it . That day has not yet come . In the meanwhile , if you want to get to know us better , you can read between the lines of the books we like to read . My mother is spending a week with us , so we can celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday together . Bow and my mother have a special relationship , one that has grown over the years . When I first started Project Bow , my mother was not thrilled about it , but as Bow has matured , while he 's alienated a lot of people , surprisingly he has won my mother over . My mother spoke to us over the phone before her visit this year , and she told Bow she was going to bring him a present when she came . Sure , enough , on the first day of the visit , my mother announced that she had a gift for Bow . At first , Bow did not seem interested , but after a while he took my hand and spelled out , rather primly , that he would like to see the present after all . My mother brought out a little plastic elephant , and eventually , I passed it along to Bow . He accepted the gift , put it aside , and then proceeded to interact with my mother . In time , he played with the elephant , although the playing mostly consisted of mouthing it . Every once in a while the elephant lost part of its anatomy : the tip of its tail , then each of its tusks , then some part of a foot . The next day at breakfast , my mother had two other gifts for Bow . One was a small piece of chocolate . ( She had shared the same kind of chocolate with me and Sword the night before , after Bow went to bed . ) The second gift was a small metallic packet of peanuts that she got on the airplane on the way here . Bow had trouble opening the packet , but he appreciated the peanuts very much . He actually went out of his way to say " Thank you , Grandma . " My mother had no idea what he was talking about . " What present ? " Then we realized that Bow probably thought the package she had carried in with her this morning was a present for him . My mother hastened to explain : " No , Bow this isn 't a present . These are just some things I need to help me prepare the turkey . " After the meal , when Sword had already left to do her own thing , my mother and I stayed and talked about how tender the turkey had been this year , and my mother , picking up the oven mitt that was lying on the table , said : " This is a really good oven mitt . I would buy one for myself , but I seldom cook anymore . " ( It was an oven mitt she had given me a few years back , an ' Ove ' Glove . ) And then we talked about a lot of other things , family memories , previous meals , while Bow chewed his cud happily . The word davka is one that is hard to translate . Bow had said : " Give her davka a glove . " Now roughly translated , that means : " It 's exactly a glove that you should give her ! " or " Of all the things you should give her , a glove is the one . " Or " In fact , it 's a glove you should give her . " There 's no such word as davka in English , but that 's what it means . My mother and I exchanged glances . " I think he means the oven mitt , " I said . I pointed at the mitt and asked : " Is this the glove I should give her ? " Yesterday was a busy day . Because I have been experiencing a persistent cough that seems to be more to do with the unusual humidity of this fall weather than with the cold I have long since overcome , I decided to start the morning off with a foray into the world of culinary delights from the mysterious East . Bow and I prepared Ginger Garlic Eggs together and enjoyed the results . Here 's the video : The rest of the day , until about three o ' clock , I worked on revising The Portrait of a Lover to meet the author 's specifications which he 'd made in the notes on the proof . Bow was pretty happy all this time , and he allowed me to work with minimal distraction . I did , of course , have to attend to his needs every time he used the potty , and this occasioned interruptions at about thirty minute intervals . But all in all , this was an idyllic situation of two family members coexisting in the same space and each doing their own thing . As long as he has me all to himself , and he feels I have paid enough attention to him , Bow can be quite pleasant . But when someone else steps into the picture , group dynamics come into effect , and Bow wants to make sure that everybody has a relationship with him , but no two people can relate to each other without placing Bow at the center of the universe . This can have an isolating effect , not just on me , but on Bow himself . Lawrence was not able to stay on Monday for more than two hours , because he had a project that he was working on and had to finish . So yesterday , on Tuesday , Lawrence came in for an additional two hours , starting at three o ' clock . Bow loves Lawrence , and he was happy to see him . He regards Lawrence 's time here as only for him , and he gets very upset if I talk to Lawrence beyond a perfunctory hello . I was in a big hurry , because I was going to pick Sword up from school so that we could go shopping for school clothes at Wal * Mart . ( Normally , Sword rides the bus home . ) I was on my way out , when Lawrence intercepted me in the kitchen . " Bow says he wants a green apple , " he told me . " If he can 't have a green apple , he 'd like a red apple . But he prefers green . Do you happen to have any green apples ? " " Yes , I do . " The red apples were on the dining room table in a big bowl , but the green apples were hidden in the refrigerator . I reached into the fruit bin in the refrigerator and handed Lawrence a green apple for Bow . " Thanks , " he said , and that was the extent of our conversation . I then rushed off to pick up Sword , since it was almost three - thirty . Lawrence shook his head wryly . " He got in trouble . He didn 't get the apple . When I got back to give him the apple , he had already dripped on the floor . " " Oh . " Bow pees on the floor to express displeasure . We can 't seem to wean him of that , no matter how old he gets . But we never give up , either . Dripping on the floor means getting punished . Lawrence smiled . " Oh , yeah . He acted all huffy after I punished him , and it was like I was the one who had done something wrong , so I sat it out while he threw a fit . But eventually he told me : ' Because you stopped to talk . ' " Lawrence added : " I told him that was not going to work . He doesn 't get to decide that I can 't talk to you . He 's just going to have to get over that . " Lawrence is right , of course . But in many ways , Bow is winning that battle . When I have a deadline and a job to get done , it 's very important for me to have things running smoothly with Bow . If nobody comes by , he and I manage just fine together . But if anyone , even Sword , just pops in to say something , things can get very ugly , and no matter how much Bow ends up losing out on as a result of misbehavior , my work suffers , too . Guests sense this . They see how nervous I get when they talk to me and not Bow . So they don 't come . If they do come , they don 't stay long . I haven 't figured out a way to combat this insidious policy of Bow 's . I can 't walk out on him . He can 't walk out on me . And there 's the devil to pay if anybody else drops in . Bow gave the book a once over . Then we went outside . He teased the dogs . He got tired of teasing the dogs , but Teyman was not tired of growling at him , so he teased the dogs some more . Then we had hot chocolate . Yesterday I posted prematurely , before all the facts were in . Normally , I don 't do any writing on a Monday , because that is my day to be up and about when Lawrence sits with Bow . I have plenty of time to write and edit all during the week , so it would be a waste to spend the few hours I have away from the pens writing . But when Lawrence related the story of the black rat snake to me , and Bow was happy and content , lying around chewing his cud after lunch , I thought I had a few moments to jot down what had happened before Lawrence came back to relieve me after lunch . I was just re - reading my post one more time for typos , when Lawrence came back . By this time , Teyman , our little rat terrier mix , was yapping away in the yard , and I suspected that she might have finally noticed the snake . Teyman is a hunter . I have seen her kill squirrels and unearth moles , and she is definitely a snake killer . The rat snake had been left unmolested on the other side of the fence , so it was possible that it had made his way into the yard , and now a fierce battle between dog and snake was raging . Lawrence decided to take this opportunity to pressure Bow into telling him how he had known about the snake . ( Bow had refused to say before , but now he needed Lawrence 's help to go outside , so Lawrence was using this leverage to get him to talk . ) " Okay , Bow , you can go outside , but first , I want you to tell me how you knew there was a snake . " " You saw ? " Lawrence asked , sounding kind of dubious . Could Bow see through a solid fence ? But since no further explanation was forthcoming , he said : " Okay , Bow , let 's go outside then . " The snake was not a big , black rat snake . It wasn 't anything at all like the snake Lawrence had reported seeing on the other side of the fence . It was brown and striped and much smaller . Here is a picture . Now , we don 't necessarily have to take Bow 's word on it . He has been known to lie . But it does make sense that he saw a snake in the yard , and not on the side of a solid fence . Today , when I came back from shopping for groceries , Lawrence told me of something that happened while I was away . At one point , sometime between eleven and noon , Bow became very agitated . He kept gesturing toward the southern stretch of backyard fence , and he yelled at Lawrence , as if trying to vocally tell him that something was wrong . He did the same to the dogs . " It was kind of like he was telling the dogs to go out and do something about it , that there was someone or something beyond the fence . " The dogs did not seem aware of anything . They barked back at Bow , interpreting Bow 's vocalizations as acts of aggression against them . Bow kept trying to get Lawrence 's attention . Bow hates snakes . He has always disliked snakes , ever since he was little . This is not something he learned from me , because I 'm pretty tolerant toward snakes , compared to most people . But every time Bow sees a snake he gets very upset , and he once lifted an entire bench off the ground and threw it in the direction of a snake that was just outside his outer pens . Lawrence didn 't do anything to the rat snake , as we need the snake 's help to get rid of rodents . Rat snakes are not poisonous . There was no reason to be upset that there was a snake near our house . Bow , however , seemed very upset . But when Lawrence came back in , Bow was calm and happy . Maybe all he needed was for Lawrence to acknowledge that there was indeed a snake out there . The question is : how did Bow know ? The fence is very high , and it 's made of wood , and it would be very hard to spot the snake through the tiny cracks between the wood slats . Snakes don 't make much noise , so it seems unlikely that Bow heard the snake . And Bow 's not telling . He doesn 't want to talk about the snake anymore . Did Bow know there was a snake out there ? If he didn 't know , what was he so agitated about ? If he did know , how did he know ? And why won 't he tell us ? Yesterday Bow did not feel well . He suddenly took ill with some kind of stomach virus and refused all food . He accepted water , but promptly threw it up . He spent most of the day sleeping on a big thick quilt , and he didn 't even get up to look at guests . Today Bow is feeling much better . He ate all his breakfast and lunch , made a tear in the quilt and is up to his usual antics . And he 's drinking plenty of water to make up for what he lost . People are really uncomfortable with the subject of violence , to the point where it is almost taboo to point out to them that violence is normal and natural , serves a useful function , and resides in each of us , ready to be put into effect if and when the need arises . When it comes to chimpanzees , people 's attitude toward violence colors their view of the species . I have encountered the following groupings : I 've had people tell me that they know that violence in wild chimpanzees has been documented , but they believe that it 's only the encroachment of man that drove them to it , and by nature chimpanzees have no violent tendencies . These people belong to group one , and they subscribe to the noble savage view of chimpanzees . They probably think that about aboriginal human beings , too . I 've had people tell me that chimpanzees are dangerous because they kill and maim , and so they should be kept far , far away from us . Some of those people belong to group two and some belong to group three , because those two groups have a lot in common . Let 's face it : saying you like chimpanzees but you want them to be kept separate from humans at all times is a lot like saying that you like Finns as long as they stay in Finland among their own kind and far , far away from you . Do chimpanzees kill and maim ? Definitely , but so do humans . And what about Bow ? He can be violent and he can be sweet , and it varies . Sweetness is met with sweetness , and to the extent that the violence cannot be met with violence , it is met with a retreat . I recognize that I cannot match Bow blow for blow , so I excercise caution and discretion , but it 's not because I think it would be bad to do otherwise . I just have to be realistic about my own personal resources . Recently , in a discussion of violence in the schools , someone said to me that violence in children is always a result of bad parenting . I had to bite my tongue not to give them my full opinion about this . Can violent behavior be one of the results of bad parenting ? Sure . But it need not be . That would be like saying that Bow 's dominance displays are entirely due to the way he was brought up . I can assure you he never saw a dominance display once the whole time he was growing up . He didn 't learn it from me , and he 's not doing it because he 's bad or because I 'm bad . He 's doing it because it comes naturally . I think it comes naturally to a lot of human adolescents , too . Not everyone is equally aggressive , and not everyone uses it to hurt others . Violence , after all , can be channeled into good uses : gangs of teens roaming the streets preserving the law instead of breaking it . But if we tell the young that it 's violence that is wrong , instead of unfairness towards others , then we will leave those with aggressive instincts with only one choice : illicit violence . So what about Bow ? Well , just to reassure you that everything is fine , here is a video from today . As a parent , of course , I don 't want my children engaging in violent acts against innocent people . But at the same time , trying to place a complete moratorium on displays of aggression isn 't any different from trying to eliminate all displays of affection . Affection and aggression are both natural and necessary . So the issue that I grapple with on a daily basis now is how to allow Bow an appropriate outlet for his more aggressive tendencies . This is probably what many other parents of adolescents are also grappling with . Bow is nine and a half years old , and as the year progresses and he comes ever closer to his tenth birthday , his dominance displays are becoming more frequent . Are they a voluntary behavior or a reflex over which he has no control ? The answer seems to be something in between . Sometimes he starts down the familiar path , gets rocking back and forth with bristling hairs all standing on end , swaggers around a little , and we wait for the entire thing to go all the way to its climax , but it doesn 't . He stops short of hurling himself against the glass or making the characteristic cry that ends the whole thing . We have gotten so used to this pattern repeating itself over and over again , that when it doesn 't finish the usual way , we wonder why . Sometimes , we can divert him with a question , a suggestion or an invitation . At other times , the impulse seems to be implacable , and we have to wait until it reaches the natural conclusion . One time last week , right during dinner , between courses , Bow started to make a few overtures , a little menacing swagger , the hair on end , the back and forth motion , a few initial cries , and then nothing much . " What 's taking him so long ? " Sword asked . " I wish he would just go ahead and get it over with . " There are things that trigger it , and other things that can divert him from a full blown dominance display . Strangers in the house , or even just on Skype , bring it on almost invariably . Having a familiar companion who is paying all her attention to him tends to dissipate it . Today , Bow had a video call with my mother . To him , she is Grandma or סבתא . He has known her all his life . We have never lived in the same house , but she did occasionally change his diaper or bottle feed him in early babyhood , and he hears all our conversations on the phone . She comes to visit every year . She is no stranger . And Bow responds to her differently from the way he would to someone he does not know . This is not to say that during the call he did not drift into a few dominance display overtures . But it was easy to steer him right back to social , communicative behavior . How did we manage that ? " Bow do you want me to turn it off ? " Threatened with a lost chance to see Grandma , Bow immediately settled down . A second time : " Bow , do you want Grandma not to come for Thanksgiving ? " He calms down at once . And , of course , the third time was when I announced it was time to say goodbye . Are there triggers in the conversation for the unwanted displays ? I think that there are , but it 's too small a sampling to be sure . Bow kept pointing at the letters " gimmel " and " c " every so often during the conversation . It 's hard to say what he was getting at , but when I saw that he pointed to the " c " and failed to see that he also pointed at the " gimmel " , that 's when Bow began his first display . He might have been angry about the oversight . Another display followed immediately upon my mother 's request that Bow point at the letter " aleph " . Bow hates being told what to do . This is not to suggest that the displays can be avoided altogether . They can be put off , but they will surface no matter what eventually . So it 's not anyone 's fault . Watch the video embedded below . See what cooperative and friendly exchanges between Bow and my mother you can identify . See how the displays surface and subside . If you speak Hebrew , you can follow the conversation , but if you don 't there 's still plenty to notice . Posted by There are different kinds of people who are interested in Project Bow and in Bow himself . There are those who are drawn in by my scientific claims , but aren 't particularly interested in chimpanzees , in psychology , in relationships between and among individuals - - or in people for that matter . They just want to know : can you prove it ? By prove it they mean : show that he is writing independently , without confounding factors , without any possibility that Clever Hans is involved , without the slightest doubt from any of the most uninitiated observers that it is all coming from him . The answer is : no , I can 't . Then admit it , they say , you have failed ! Okay , fine , I 've failed . But they don 't stop there . They want to know what I would do differently if I had to do it over again . Would I be more careful to condition Bow not to use our hands ? Would I demand that he do everything by himself ? Would I refuse to give him food unless he touched the correct lexigram ? Would I be really tough about it ? Would I resort to behavioral conditioning ? The answer is : no . I wanted to know whether Bow could pick up language spontaneously in context . If I had done those things , he would not have . We wouldn 't have had a relationship . Any language he learned would have been learned by rote . Any linguistic task he performed would have been a chore done for a reward . So , no , I do not regret taking the path that I took . Other people , even very friendly people , are oblivious to the fact that he can use language . They just want to know " Is he friendly ? What is your routine like ? What does he like to eat or to play ? " I appreciate their interest , but it makes me wonder if they have been deprived of chimpanzee companionship so much , that just the very fact that he is a chimpanzee fascinates them more than anything else about him . Everybody needs more contact with chimpanzees . I don 't blame them for being curious , but I think that because chimpanzees are so embattled in this world , nobody can see them with a clear eye for who they really are . Chimpanzees are not cute and cuddly more human versions of dogs . They do not obey orders . They don 't care if you disapprove of something they do . They will push you around , just to see what you do . They are very interested in who is stronger . They have a morality of tit - for - tat , and they do not turn the other cheek . Bow is nine and a half years old . He is going through puberty . He is moody and unpredictable , sometimes very playful and nice , and at other times extremely aggressive . I walk a tightrope to keep on top of his current mood . Yesterday he said to me : " Bow 's not mad that Mommy is not strong . Bow 's glad that Mommy is weak . " I didn 't know what to make of that . One woman told me that so long as I did not beat him with a stick , she did not think I was abusive . This statement astounded me on so many levels that I was struck dumb . Do you think that with the disparity in strength and agility between me and him , that I would escape with my life if I tried that ? It isn 't a question of whether I am being abusive to him . I go in barefooted and barehanded to be with someone who could kill me with only his jaws for a weapon , if he so desired . Does he ? No , of course not . But he does sometimes try to gain the upper hand in a game of intimidation , and I have to be very aggressive right back to let him know it 's not working . And sometimes I have to step out into the adjoining pen and let him cool off . What kind of person am I that I can do this ? How can I stay with him twelve hours a day when this is the situation ? Why is it that I 'm not so polite to people who ask such questions ? Well , I guess I am not a very nice person . For every action , there is an equal and opposite reaction . It 's a reflex , really , and being with Bow all this time has sharpened my reflexes . Some people think that humans are completely different from chimpanzees , because we are so much more civilized and in our civilization natural consequences have given way to logical consequences . I don 't see that . I see a world that is governed entirely by natural consequences . Some of them are pretty grim . But in the meantime , Bow and I will survive . We will play and talk , and we will reach out to new people and to other chimpanzees world wide . While I can 't prove anything directly about Bow 's cognition and language ability , there are other indirect ways to gather proof . There is eye tracking , and there is behavioral data from interactions with others , and that is the direction that my research will take in the future . No one can force Bow to cooperate to prove what he knows . But he may yet give himself away indirectly , just because he does know it . And I think that 's worth waiting for ! Yesterday , Rex the Welder came to add support bars to the existing structure of Bow 's pens . The pens are plenty strong , but Bow is a growing adolescent who likes to display his strength by hurling himself full force against the walls of the pen . Believe it or not , he has no intention of breaking out , but he can inadvertently damage the structure , and here at Project Bow we take safety very seriously . So yesterday , Rex the Welder came by to add horizontal support bars , to make an already strong steel structure even stronger . The bars were added to both the internal and external structure of the pens . Before any work could begin , Bow and Rex spent some time socializing . Bow loves Rex ! Rex is a very athletic guy with a nice sense of fun , and so they spent about ten minutes before Rex got to work playing chase and hyperventilating at each other . Bow gave Rex quite a warm up exercise ! When Rex had done , Bow gave all the new bars a good testing out , before he was convinced they would withstand his strength . He even tried to bite them , to see if they were made of wood or metal . Today , Bow has been having great fun perching on the support bars , walking on his tiptoes on them like an acrobat , and hurling himself off them . I even tried the bars myself , and we had great fun playing together . Finally , Bow took me to the glass and spelled in Hebrew : " Thank you for giving me something new to play with . " Recently Sword celebrated her twelfth birthday , and Bow was not in attendance . He had not been invited to the party . This made him sad , but Lawrence stayed with him all day , and they had a special party of their own . Meanwhile , Sword had her party at Orchard House with her grandmother and me and four of her friends from school , two girls and two boys . Having been excluded from quite a number of parties myself , I understood how Bow felt when he told Lawrence that he wanted to go to the party , too . But I also understood Sword . Lately , every time she brings home a friend , Bow insists on going into a protracted dominance display for the new person that sometimes does not end until the guest leaves . It 's hard enough being a tween and needing your mother 's approval for sleepovers . Having to consult with your younger chimpanzee brother is completely intolerable . So I gave my permission for a party that did not include Bow . What is a dominance display ? Well , you could look it up in the wikipedia , or you could watch the video I embedded below to see what it looks like . Every time Bow meets a stranger , he goes into a frenzied display of his strength and prowess calculated to send the stranger cowering for the bushes . He does this even if the stranger is on the other side of the continent in a Skype video call ! Julia Hanna is a talented writer and artist who also contributes to my article directory , PubWages . This Sunday , I interviewed her for my YouTube channel . We thought we would do it in the morning with Bow present , but due to his insistent display , we had to postpone it till the evening , when he was asleep . Notice that Bow was not really being violent . He didn 't hurt anyone . He just wanted to scare Julia into submission , and he was quite frustrated when it didn 't work , and we kept talking around his display . He was very careful not to hurt me , gently moving me aside so he could hurtle himself at the computer screen . But interestingly enough , he didn 't hurt the computer , either . He knew that if he smashed the screen , Julia would disappear , and then who would be there for him to intimidate ? As soon as the call was over , he sat down peacefully before the laptop on the floor with a pensive look on his face . When Bow goes into these displays , it does not mean that he doesn 't like the person he is trying to scare . Sometimes he likes them very much and even hopes for a successful relationship . He just wants to make sure that he ends up on top ! So , apparently , there 's a new movie out about Nim Chimpsky . I myself have not seen it . This sort of thing does not play in our local theatre . But those who have seen it say it is quite shocking . Bow and I , stuck together in our pens , have watched the trailer several times . The first time he watched it , Bow was transfixed , and he stayed perfectly still . The second time he watched it , he said it was stupid . Lawrence asked him : " Well , what did you think of that video ? " Bow replied : " I think it is stupid . " Today , I brought the laptop into the pen for Bow to watch the video embedded in my PubWages editorial . Here is a video of what happened : Bow is nine years old and counting . Sometimes he is very good and sometimes he is naughty , but lately there 's been something else going on . He is moody . He is irritable . He gets upset over absolutely nothing . The other day , I asked him what he wanted to eat first . He said " I want a banana . " I went and got him a banana . He became very angry and frustrated and bared his teeth at me and snarled aggressively and vocalized in a high pitched voice . " What 's the matter ? " I asked . He finally calmed down enough after a few more seconds and took my hand and spelled out on the glass : " No , not a banana ! An apple ! " Well , I ask you , is that any reason to chew me out ? Because he changed his mind ? There have been lots of little incidents like this lately . But this morning he was nice and told me he wanted to sit outside . " Do you want to sit outside alone ? " I asked . " No . With Mommy . " I asked him if it would be okay if I brought my computer along , and he said yes . So here we sit . The insects are chirping . The swimming pool is filling up , and Bow and I are relaxing . All is right with the world . Incarceration can be difficult for the soul . Solitary confinement wears us down over time . If you try to imagine what it would be like to be locked up in a cage , without access to other people , maybe you would think first about the loss of conversation , friendship and love . But the truth is that all forms of social contact , even strife , are very much missed . We all have the inborn desire to find worthy adversaries and to fight against our fellow man , in order to test our strength and challenge our mind . If you don 't believe this , and you 're not into heavy reading , perhaps you should watch Megamind . It illustrates the same principle . Bow is not in solitary confinement , but he has no access to companions of his own kind , and those of us who spend time with him have to go in one by one , because having more than one person in at a time brings out Bow 's innate interest in social hierarchies . He longs to fight against others , and he wants his friends to fight , too , to see just which one ends up on top . If Bow ever did get to meet face to face with another chimpanzee , I doubt very much that friendship would be the first order of business . It would be more like this : a fight to establish supremacy , followed by friendship , if anybody happened to survive . Are human beings any different ? When a prisoner is placed in solitary confinement , of course that is a very big deprivation . But is the loss of human contact to be mourned primarily because of the loss of affectionate companionship , or because it makes hand - to - hand combat a complete impossibility ? Edward Livingston ( May 28 , 1764 - May 23 , 1836 ) was a famous American jurist who advocated prison reform . One of his ideas was that upon admission to the penitentiary , all prisoners should be placed in solitary confinement until such time as they showed a genuine desire to interact in a positive way with others . Gradually , the privilege to socialize , and even to do productive work , would be restored to the prisoner , but each such privilege would have to be earned . It sounds good on paper , but what if the chief reason an individual regrets a solitary existence is because it deprives him of sparring partners and the chance to engage in a fight to the death ? In such a case , how would the reward of companionship not immediately result in a return to violence ? Bow is sometimes restless and bored . When not in an aggressive mood , he broods . With Lawrence , he has a wrestling partner , but I am more given to literary and cerebral pursuits . How do we bridge that gap ? Sometimes I share my reading with Bow . Sometimes , he even listens . I 've been very busy in the past month or so setting up new websites and pursuing business interests that may seem to have nothing to do with Project Bow . A pesky commenter on one of my sites wanted to know : so have you given up on proving that Bow 's communication isn 't " Clever Hans " ? And when I replied that I had not given up on anything , but was also not pushing Bow to prove anything he doesn 't want to prove , she was not satisfied . To her way of thinking , unless I am working on direct proof , then my interactions with Bow are of no consequence , for scientific purposes , which is all she really cares about . On top of that she suggested that I was deluding myself that Bow and I were communicating at all . Who 's to say that our day to day conversations are not entirely in my own head , and that Bow is contributing nothing ? Take for example the following video . I needed to explain some things about how to get a Google Adsense account to my new writers on Pubwages . Did Bow have to be a part of that ? Well , no , he didn 't . But I am with Bow twelve hours a day , most days , and so the only way I manage to get anything done is to involve him in my daily transactions . Besides , he 's much more photogenic than I am . When you watch the video , notice how at first Bow circles me , then he sits down to listen to what I have to say , then he gets up in the middle because it 's not all that interesting , but when I train the camera on him as I am wrapping up my spiel , Bow starts to nod and smile , as if agreeing with me . Did I train him to do that ? No . Did I ask him to do any of that ? No . He did what he felt like doing , just as when he takes my hand and points to letters , he 's also doing what he wants , not what I want . I couldn 't for the world force him to say something that he doesn 't want to say or do something that he doesn 't want to do . But did Bow really understand what I had to say about getting a Google adsense account ? Does he know what adsense is ? I doubt that , because he 's still struggling with the concept of money . However , there are lots of human beings who also don 't understand about adsense . A good friend who watched the video wrote me that she enjoyed it , but she had no idea what I was talking about . Bow , too , seemed to enjoy my presentation , though he had little comprehension of the subject matter . And yet he knew exactly which part of the discourse was the wrap up , and he decided to give his approval at that point . Is it a pre - verbal skill to be able to pick up the beginning , middle and end of a speech , without knowing exactly what it 's about ? How many times have you used that same skill when trying to determine when to applaud or agree with your interlocutor , even though you were not closely attending to the meaning of the discourse ? What allows us to cooperate in this way ? Why are some autistics incredibly dense about picking out this sort of information ? The weather has been very strange lately . On Good Friday , after Bow had gone to bed , Sword and I drove to the local feed store to get two baby chicks , and we dropped by WalMart for Easter supplies . But when we had almost finished shopping , alarms went off , and we were ushered with all the other shoppers and employees to stand by the meat wall , because there was a tornado expected . Sword was worried about the two baby chicks left alone in the car , but when they finally released us , everything was fine . Our car and the chicks were undamaged . Then yesterday afternoon there was a shower of hail , about the size of gumballs that went on for about ten minutes . And it has been raining almost all the time , all weekend long . But this morning , when it was time for our Easter egg hunt , the weather was clear , and things went off without a hitch . Here is some footage of Bow and his eggs . This is our fifth spring in the pens . Four years , five springs . We have adjusted well to this new lifestyle , and now it doesn 't even seem strange . Every spring the dogwood blooms , and Bow and I can see it through the grid of the outer pen . Will it ever be possible to make new friends , whether chimpanzees or humans ? Only time will tell . But for now , Bow is content with the small circle of friends he already has . " Don 't let a new guy come , " he tells me . Then , when Lawrence came after lunch to relieve me , I showed the card to Lawrence and explained that Bow 's grandmother had sent it . I told Lawrence I 'd be really happy if Bow could tell him what Bow 's grandmother had written to him in Hebrew . ( Lawrence does not know Hebrew . ) After I had gone , Lawrence asked Bow what was in the card from grandma . At first , Bow was reluctant to answer . He even tried spelling nonsense words . But eventually , he did tell Lawrence that Grandma had said " hello " . I was hoping for a verbatim translation , which would have been : " Bow , hello , from Grandma . " But the answer he gave is pretty close . Here is the video of the conversation between Lawrence and Bow : There has not been anything very remarkable to write about concerning Bow . The past week has been uneventful , except that a couple of nice reviews of my books came out . One was of When Sword Met Bow and the other was for Ping and the Snirkelly People . For whatever reason , today it was easy to upload the footage I described in yesterday 's blog . It took less than ten minutes , whereas a snippet of ten seconds had taken an hour before . So here is the footage that Bow reacted so strongly to when Lawrence was viewing it . Uploading a video is taking longer and longer these days . For instance , that tiny snippet in yesterday 's blog post took well over an hour to upload . There was a companion video that I wanted to upload with it , but I just gave up because it would have taken all day . We used to film every day , but that was when we had interns , and there was a fuctioning video camera , and we had a whole routine for the interns of exactly how to go about reviewing the footage and how to index it . It 's been ages since we had interns , and so the routine has changed . We are in survival mode . Bow has to be taken care of every day , and played with , and fed , and all his needs have to be seen to , research or no research . Survival comes first . Lawrence is Bow 's sitter , who comes and plays with him when I have to run errands . He is not an intern , and he doesn 't have any research duties . Bow talks to him , because kids usually talk to their sitter . It 's a way to communicate , but it 's not a " scientific experiment " . I couldn 't ask Lawrence to help me document , because there is not time or money enough for that . And our camera has gone dead , on top of everything else . Anyway , yesterday , just for the fun of it , I showed Lawrence how to film Bow using Bow 's computer 's built - in webcam . The resolution on it is pretty bad , and the lighting in here is not so good . ( We used to bring in extra flood lights when we were filming for real . ) But Lawrence was game to try this , and he even decided to see if he could get Bow to ask for his afternoon snack while the camera was running . Now , Bow likes the camera . He gets very excited when you turn it on . He likes to use it as a mirror , to examine parts of himself that he can 't usually see . Lawrence practiced filming Bow , and Bow was fine with that . But I guess he didn 't realize that Lawrence had kept the camera on . Lawrence kept trying to hint to Bow that it might be time to ask for a snack , because he wanted to show on film that it was Bow who initiated the conversation . So there he was , muttering to himself about how nice it would be to have some apples for a snack , and there Bow sat , not taking the hint . And then I came in for a moment , not knowing that Lawrence was trying to film , and I asked whether Bow had had his afternoon snack yet . ( Sword had a friend over , and right after I had to take her to her music lesson . ) Lawrence said that it might help if I just brought the apples into the pen . So I did , and then I left , and Bow got excited and asked for a green apple , and then he had the green apple and Lawrence had the yellow apple . Lawrence kept talking to Bow about why Bow preferred the green apple , when the yellow apple was bigger . By then , Bow had finished his green apple and asked for Lawrence to give him what was left of the yellow apple Lawrence was eating . So Lawrence gave him the apple , and eventually he stopped filming . We went back to using the old potty , as we had fewer accidents with it . Meanwhile , I 've been experimenting with my laptop , to see if I can use it as a video camera , in addition to a source of still shots . Here is a video I shot this morning using video capture . As I was trying to film , Bow decided that what he wanted to do was to type . I think he likes real keyboards better than touchscreens . If only we could find one that he can 't destroy ! I 've been rather preoccupied with opening a new website for Inverted - A Press , so I have been neglecting this blog . But that doesn 't mean that nothing has been going on in Bow 's life . For one thing , he has a new potty . That happened about two Wednesdays ago , I think . Bow is growing , and the small potty that he was using was meant for a two year old . He 's nine now . We found this new potty for five dollars . It 's meant for adults , and has a much bigger holding capacity . Bow likes it , because he can climb up on the handles and do his business while perched above the target . Bow knew at once that he wanted this potty , as soon as he saw it . " I want the potty , " he told Lawrence . This was good , because without Bow 's permission , we couldn 't have brought it in . Bow attacks items that are brought into his living space without his okay . Today , I was watching the latest video uploaded by Reason . TV . It happened to be about fast food being banned in LA . If you want to watch it , you can see it here . Bow got very excited during the viewing . I was eager to hear what he had to say . Was he against the ban ? Was he for it ? But this is all he had to say : " Give me food ! " Yesterday at dinner , in addition to other choices , Bow had three bananas to choose from . One was very fresh and had completely yellow skin . The other two were a bit over ripe , with brownish mottled discolorations . When Bow decided that he was done with apples and was ready to start choosing bananas , he told me : " Give me the good banana . " Since it was obvious he meant the one that was not overripe , I went ahead and gave it to him . When he was done , he spelled : " Give me the good bad banana . " I looked at the remaining two bananas . One was somewhat less ripe than the other . " I think he means this one , " I told Sword . " It doesn 't have as many brown spots . " Today Bow lost another baby tooth . It was his left bottom canine . He showed me that it was loose , and it seemed to be troubling him . I asked him if he wanted me to help him pull it out . He acquiesced , and I had my fingers in his mouth for a really long time , wriggling the tooth back and forth . When it came out , he let me keep it . In the past , I used to offer Bow a dollar per tooth , but he never spent any of that money . This time I decided to reward his cooperation with candy . I gave him a mint . It 's worth a lot less than a dollar to me , and a lot more than a dollar to him . So it seemed like an equitable trade . Here is a picture of the tooth lying on the mousepad of my laptop : Lawrence will be relieved to know about this . Last week Bow lost his other lower canine in the midst of rough play with Lawrence . Lawrence was afraid he may have unintentionally hurt Bow . I wasn 't sure at the time whether it was a baby tooth . But this pretty much clinches it . Bow was nice and cooperative when I asked him to pose for pictures showing his current lack of lower canines . He knew just what I wanted him to do . As a chimpanzee entering puberty , Bow has his good days , as well as days when he is not so good . It is not always that anything bad has happened . Sometimes he 's just irritable and on edge and nothing satisfies him . Today has been a day of getting into trouble , but only to a moderate degree . I try to accomplish as much as I can , no matter what mood Bow is in , but the truth is that this morning , after I submitted the latest corrected version of Ping & the Snirkelly People to CreateSpace , and after I had checked on my Facebook and Hubpages news , I was kind of out of things to do . Or rather , even though I have list of things to do , I didn 't feel like doing them . Hubpages has been hit hard by the Google algorithm change , and so my traffic there has diminished considerably . A lot of people blame low quality hubs for the Google backlash , and while everyone is sure their own hubs are wonderful , people are casting aspersions on other hubbers , saying their hubs are too short or not meaningful enough . I 'm staying out of that . I have long hubs and short ones . I think each of them is just the right length for what it was supposed to accomplish . About the time of the algorithm change , I published a very long hub about National Anthems . It is over 4000 words , took me over a year to write , and covers some interesting historical facts about specific national anthems , as well as dealing with the whole issue of nationalism . To date , I have had only three hits that came through Google . This is discouraging . Of course , like most people , I have short hubs , too , that didn 't take me long to write and are not all that deep . This morning , I went to look at my We have no bananas today hub . It 's very short and rather shallow , but I don 't think there 's any reason to discard it . I played the embedded song , and went in with Bow . Bow became very animated , put his hands on my waist , and insisted I dance with him . We danced all around the pen . Today was Bow 's birthday . He is nine years old . He had a party , and balloons , and cake , and presents and guests . It was his choice . I actually wasn 't sure whether he wanted to have a party this year . He isn 't always that happy when people come over , and he isn 't always that nice to guests , so I hesitated . Both Lawrence and I asked him specfically whether he wanted a party , each separately . Bow said he did want a party . He even told me that he wanted presents . Yesterday afternoon , Bow made specific suggestions for who the guests should be . He had some particular people in mind . Nothing was settled well in advance , but it was definitely the party that Bow wanted . He was very excited all day long . He could not wait till the party would start . It was scheduled for three pm . He wanted it to start earlier , and he was impatient , but he waited . When the time arrived , and we had our quorum of two adults , three children , and two teenagers , he was so excited and sang along with the birthday song . However , when an additional guest arrived late , after the cake had been served , and some of the presents distributed , he was not as cordial to the new arrival , making territorial displays . When attending a chimpanzee birthday party , punctuality is a must ! Bow had a great day , but he hasn 't opened all his presents yet . He usually draws that out over several days . He certainly enjoyed his balloon , though ! Even though there is still snow on the ground , we are no longer snowed in . Sword went to spend the night at a friend 's house , and encouraged by the example of the friend 's mother who was able to drive all the way down our driveway , I took the opportunity when Bow went to sleep last night to pick up my mail from the post office box and to restock my store of apples , bananas and grapes . I finally have the proof of Ping & the Snirkelly People . When I showed it to Bow this morning , he was very interested . He looked at it for a while , then he took me to the glass and spelled : " It 's a big book . " We 've been snowed in now since Tuesday . Lawrence did not come in at all this week . We have plenty of food , though , because Sword and I went to Wal * Mart and stocked up just before the blizzard . For the past couple of days I have been amusing myself by editing a video trailer for my upcoming book , Ping & the Snirkelly People . Between numerous interruptions , Bow let me do this . Bow seemed uninterested in the snow , and didn 't ask to go out at all , until today . In the morning , he went all the way to the door of the outer pen , but then changed his mind and asked to play with his shoe indoors , instead . He especially wanted to play a game of his own invention , where I put on the single shoe and chase him around the pen . |
Finally Sophie had been given a book about herself . Was it the same book that Hilde now had in her hands ? This was only a ring binder . But even so ―― how could one find a book about oneself in a book aout oneself ? What would happen if Sophie began to read that book ? Sophie met her mother on the bus on her way home from town . Oh , no ! What would her mother say when she saw the book in Sophie 's hand ? " Of course it 's your book . I just want to take a peek at the first page , okay ? …… ' Sophie Amundsen was on her way home from school . She had walked the first part of the way with Joanna . They had been discussing robots . . . ' " " Yes , it does , Sophie . It 's written by someone called Albert Knag . He must be a newcomer . What 's your Al - berto 's name , by the way ? " " Not at all . They weren 't violent , were they ? I just hope they haven 't trampled all over our rosebeds . Surely it can 't be necessary to demonstrate in a garden . Let 's hurry home and see . " Everything was ready half an hour before the guests were due . The trees were festooned with streamers and Japanese lanterns . The garden gate , the trees lining the path , and the front of the house were hung with balloons . Sophie and Joanna had spent most of the afternoon blowing them up . The table was set with chicken , salad , and different kinds of homemade bread . In the kitchen there were raisin buns and layer cake , Danish pastry and chocolate cake . But from the start the place of honor in the center of the table was reserved for the birthday cake ―― a pyramid of almond - paste rings . On the top of the cake was the tiny figure of a girl in a confirmation dress . Sophie 's mother had assured her that it could just as well represent an unconfirmed fifteen - year - old , but Sophie was certain her mother had only put it there because Sophie had told her she was not sure she wanted to be confirmed . Her mother seemed to think the cake embodied the confirmation itself . The guests began to arrive . First came three of the girls from Sophie 's class , dressed in summer shirts and light cardigans , long skirts , and the barest suggestion of eye makeup . A bit later , Jeremy and David came strolling in through the gate , with a blend of shyness and boyish arrogance . Everybody had brought birthday presents , and as it was a philosophical garden party , several of the guests had tried to find out what philosophy was . Although not all of them had managed to find philosophical presents , most of them had written something philosophical on their cards . Sophie received a philosophical dictionary as well as a diary with a lock ; on the cover was written MY PERSONAL PHILOSOPHICAL THOUGHTS . As the guests arrived they were served apple juice in long - stemmed wine glasses . Sophie 's mother did the serving . " Welcome …… And what is this young man 's name ? I don 't believe we 've met before …… So glad you could come , Cecilie . . . " When all the younger guests had arrived and were strolling under the trees with their wine glasses , Joanna 's parents drew up at the garden gate in a white Mercedes . The financial adviser was impeccably dressed in an expensively cut gray suit . His wife was wearing a red pants suit with dark red sequins . Sophie was sure she had bought a Barbie doll in a toy store dressed in that suit , and had a tailor make it up in her size . There was another possibility ; the financial adviser could have bought the doll and given it to a magician to make into a live woman . But this possibility was unlikely , so Sophie rejected it . They stepped out of the Mercedes and walked into the garden where younger guests looked at them with surprise . The financial adviser presented a long , narrow package from the Ingebrigtsen family . Sophie tried hard to maintain her composure when it turned out to be ―― yes , it was ! ―― a Barbie doll . But Joanna made no such effort : Helene Amundsen began to seat people around the long table . She made sure that the vacant chair was between her own and Sophie 's place . She said a few words about the beautiful weather and the fact that Sophie was now a grownup . Sophie left the table and ran to greet him . She threw her arms around his neck and took the bouquet from him . He responded to the welcome by rooting around in his jacket pocket and drawing out a couple of Chinese firecrackers which he lit and tossed into the yard . As . he approached the table , he lit a sparkler and set it on top of the almond pyramid . Then he went over and stood at the empty place between Sophie and her mother . The guests were dumbstruck . Mrs . Ingebrigtsen gave her husband a significant look . Sophie 's mother was so relieved that the man had finally arrived , however , that she would have forgiven him anything . Sophie herself was struggling to suppress her laughter . " Let us also welcome Albrto Knox to this philosophical garden party . He is not my new boyfriend , because although my husband is so often away at sea , I don 't have a new boyfriend for the time being . However , this astounding person is Sophie 's new philosophy teacher . His prowess extends further than to setting off fireworks . They sat for a long time over their chicken and salad . Suddenly Joanna got up , walked determinedly over to Jeremy , and gave him a resounding kiss on the lips . He responded by trying to topple her backward over the table so as to get a better grip as he returned her kiss . " I am not going to make a long speech , " she began , " but I only have this one daughter , and it is only this once that exactly one week and a day ago she reached the age of fifteen . As you see , we have spared no expense . There are twenty - four almond rings on the birthday cake , so there 's at least one whole ring for each of you . Those who help themselves first can take two rings , because we start from the top and the rings get bigger and bigger as you go . That 's the way it is in life too . When Sophie was a little girl , she went tripping around in tiny little rings . But as the years went by , the rings got bigger and bigger . Now they reach right over to the Old Town and back . And what is more , with a father who is at sea so much , she makes calls to all parts of the world . We congratulate you on your fifteenth birthday , Sophie ! " The guests applauded , and one of the boys threw a firecracker up into the pear tree . Joanna left the table and pulled Jeremy up off his chair . They lay down on the grass and started kissing each other again . After a while they rolled in under the red - currant bushes . Having said that , he got up and went over to the red - currant bushes where he stood observing the phenomenon at close quarters . The rest of the guests followed suit . Only Sophie and Alberto remained sitting at the table . The other guests now stood in a semicircle around Joanna and Jeremy . " It 's happening more quickly than I thought , " he said . " We have to get away from here as soon as possible . I just have to make a short speech . " " And you like going for walks , I know . It is so important to stay in shape . And it 's so much nicer when you have a dog to keep you company . Hermes , isn 't that its name ? " He had hardly finished these sentences when they heard the drone of an approaching sports plane . It flew in low over the garden . Behind it streamed a long tail banner saying : " Happy 15th birthday ! " " Thank you . It was a mere bagatelle . During the past few weeks , Sophie and I have carried out a major philosophical investigation . We shall here and now reveal our findings . We shall reveal the innermost secrets of our existence . " " After a thorough philosophical study ―― which has led from the first Greek philosophers to the present day ―― we have discovered that we are living our lives in the mind of a major who is at this moment serving as a UN observer in Lebanon . He has also written a book about us for his daughter back in Lillesand . Her name is Hilde Mailer Knag , and she was fifteen years old on the same day as Sophie . The book about us lay on her bedside table when she woke up early on the morning of June 15 . To be more precise , it was in the form of a ring binder . Even as we speak , she can feel the final pages of the ring binder under her index finger . " " Our existence is therefore neither more nor less than a kind of birthday diversion for Hilde Mailer Knag . We have all been invented as a framework for the major 's philosophical education of his daughter . This means , for example , that the white Mercedes at the gate is not worth a cent . It 's just a bagatelle . It 's worth no more than the white Mercedes that drives around and around inside the head of a poor UN major , who has just this minute sat down in the shade of a palm tree to avoid getting sunstroke . The days are hot in Lebanon , my friends . " " There is indeed no insurance to cover this kind of philosophical insight . We are talking of something worse than a natural catastrophe , sir . But as you are probably aware , insurance doesn 't cover those either . " " No , it is an existential catastrophe . For example , just take a look under the currant bushes and you will see what I mean . You cannot insure yourself against the collapse of your whole life . Neither can yu insure yourself against the sun going out . " " Thank you , but there is not much more to say . When you have realized that you are a dream image in another person 's sleepy consciousness , then , in my opinion , it is wisest to be silent . But I can finish by recommending that you take a short course in the history of philosophy . It is important to be critical of the older generation 's values . If I have tried to teach Sophie anything , it is precisely that , to think critically . Hegel called it thinking negatively . " " This agitator is attempting to break down all the sound values which the school and the church and we ourselves are trying to instill in the younger generation . It is they who have the future before them and who one day will inherit everything we have built up . If this man is not immediately removed from this gathering I intend to call our lawyer . He will know how to deal with this situation . " " It makes little difference whether you deal with this situation or not , since you are nothing but a shadow . Anyway , Sophie and I are about to leave the party , since for us the philosophy course has not been purely theoretical . It has also had its practical side . When the time is ripe we will perform our disappearing act . That is how we are going to sneak our way out of the major 's consciousness . " " No , that 's just ridiculous . Don 't forget what you have learned . It 's this sort of nonsense we must liberate ourselves from . Your mother is a sweet and kind lady , just as the Little Red Ridinghood who came to my door that day had a basket filled with food for her grandmother . Your mother is no more sad than the plane that just flew over needed fuel for its congratulation maneuvers . " " I think I see what you mean , " said Sophie , and turned back to her mother . " That 's why I have to do what he says , Mom . One day I had to leave you . " " I 'm going to miss you , " said her mother , " but if there is a heaven over this one , you 'll just have to fly . I promise to take good care of Govinda . Does it eat one or two lettuce leaves a day ? " " If nothing else , we can always get him nailed for defamation of character . I 'm sure he 's a Communist . He wants to strip us of everything we hold dear . The man 's a scoundrel . " With that , both Alberto and the financial adviser sat down . The letter 's face was crimson with rage . Now Joanna and Jeremy also came and sat at the table . Their clothes were grubby and crumpled . Joanna 's golden hair was caked with mud and earth . She had immediate support from her husband . " She 'll simply have to contain herself , " he said . " And if there is to be a christening tonight , she 'll have to arrange it herself . " Sophie took the thermos from the table . She had to make more coffee . While she stood waiting for it to brew , she fed the birds and the goldfish . She also went into the bathroom and put a lettuce leaf out for Govinda . She couldn 't see the cat anywhere , but she opened a large can of cat food , emptied it into a bowl and et it out on the step . She felt her tears welling up . When she returned with the coffee , the garden party looked more like a children 's party than a young woman 's philosophical celebration . Several soda bottles had been knocked over on the table , there was chocolate cake smeared all over the tablecloth and the dish of raisin buns lay upside down on the lawn . Just as Sophie arrived , one of the boys put a firecracker to the layer cake , which exploded all over the table and the guests . The worst casualty was Mrs . Ingebrigtsen 's red pants suit . The curious thing was that both she and everybody else took it with the utmost calm . Joanna picked up a huge piece of chocolate cake , smeared it all over Jeremy 's face , and proceeded to lick it off again . " And you were perfectly right , " said her mother , quite elated now . " Alberto is a very altruistic person . I entrust you to his strong arms . " Two of the boys had managed to climb onto the roof . One of the girls went around pricking holes in all the balloons with a hairpin . Then an uninvited guest arrived on a motorcycle with a crate of beer and bottles of aquavit strapped to the carrier . A few helpful souls welcomed him in . He grabbed a bottle of beer , drank it down , and set the empty bottle in the middle of the lawn . Then he went to the table and fetched the last five rings of the birthday cake . He showed the other guests how to throw the rings so they landed over the neck of the bottle . " It doesn 't matter , child . This was no life for you . If Alberto can give you a better one , nobody will be happier than I . Didn 't you tell me he had a white horse ? " She agreed with Alberto that the only sensible thing that had happened at the garden party was his speech . Surely her father didn 't think Hilde 's world was as chaotic as Sophie 's garden party ? Or that her world would also dissolve eventually ? A thought suddenly struck her . If Alberto and Sophie really had managed to sneak out of the tory , there wouldn 't be anything about it in the ring binder . Everything that was there , unfortunately , was clear to her father . Could there be anything written between the lines ? There was more than a mere suggestion of it . Hilde realized that she would have to read the whole story again one or two more times . They rowed across the water and ran into the cabin . Alberto opened a trapdoor in the floor . He pushed Sophie down into the cellar . Then everything went black . In the days that followed , Hilde worked on her plan . She sent several letters to Anne Kvamsdal in Copenhagen , and a couple of times she called her . She also enlisted the aid of friends and acquaintances , and recruited almost half of her class at school . In between , she read Sophie 's World . It was not a story one could be done with after a single reading . New thoughts about what could have happened to Sophie and Alberto when they left the garden party were constantly occurring to her . On Saturday , June 23 , she awoke with a start around nine o ' clock . She knew her father had already left the camp in Lebanon . Now it was just a question of waiting . The last part of his day was planned down to the smallest detail . Later in the morning she began the preparations for Midsummer Eve with her mother . Hilde could not help thinking of how Sophie and her mother had arranged their Midsummer Eve party . But that was something they had done . It was over , finished . Or was it ? Were they going around right now , decorating everywhere ? Sophie and Alberto seated themselves on a lawn in front of two large buildings with ugly air vents and ventilation canals on the outside . A young couple came walking out of one of the buildings . He was carrying a brown briefcase and she had a red handbag slung over one shoulder . A car drove along a narrow road in the background . " Quite sure . One of these buildings is called Chateau Neuf , which means ' the new palace . ' People study music there . The other is the Congregation Faculty . It 's a school of theology . Further up the hill they study science and up at the top they study literature and philosophy . " " While the major was busy crashing the financial adviser 's car into an apple tree , we seized the chance to hide in the den . We were then at the embryo stage . We were of the old as well as of the new world . But concealing ourselves there was something the major cannot possibly have envisaged . " " He would never have let us go so easily . As it was , it went like a dream . Of course , there 's always the chance that he was in on it himself . " " It was he who started the white Mercedes . He may have exerted himself to the utmost to lose sight of us . He was probably utterly exhausted after everything that had been going on . . . " By now the young couple were only a few yards away . Sophie felt a bit awkward , sitting on the grass with a man so much older than herself . Besides , she wanted someone to confirm what Alberto had said . The melodies combine in such a way that they develop as much as possible , independently of how they sound against each other . But they have to be concordant . Actually it 's note against note . " How rude ! They were neither deaf nor blind . Sophie tried a third time , standing ahead of them on the path blocking their way , She was simply brushed aside . " It 's the price we have to pay . Although we have sneaked out of a book , we can 't expect to nave exactly the same status as its author . But we really are here . From now on , we will never be a day older than we were when we left the philosophical garden party . " " I 'd better explain then . We can 't just take an ordinary car that belongs to someone here in the city . What do you think would happen when people noticed the car driving along without a driver ? And anyway , we probably wouldn 't be able to start it . " " It 's a make - believe car , Sophie . It 's just like us . People here only see a vacant space . That 's all we have to confirm before we 're on our way . " They stood by the car and waited . After a while , a boy came cycling along on the sidewalk . He turned suddenly and rode right through the red car and onto the road . Major Albert Knag had just landed at Kastrup Airport outside Copenhagen . It was half past four on Saturday , June 23 . It had already been a long day . This penultimate lap had been by plane from Rome . He went through passport control in his UN uniform , which he was proud to wear . He represented not only himself and his country . Albert Knag represented an international legal system ―― a century - old tradition that now embraced the entire planet . Major Albert Knag had a nearly three - hour wait in the airport before his plane left for Kristiansand . He would have time to buy a few presents for his family . He had sent the present of his ife to Hilde two weeks ago . Marit , his wife , had put it on her bedside table for her to discover when she woke up on her birthday . He had not spoken with Hilde since that late night birthday call . Albert bought a couple of Norwegian newspapers , found himself a table in the bar , and ordered a cup of coffee . He had hardly had time to skim the headlines when he heard an announcement over the loudspeakers : " This is a personal call for Albert Knag . Albert Knag is requested to contact the SAS information desk . " He opened the envelope at once . Inside lay a smaller envelope . It was addressed to Major Albert Knag , c / o SAS Information , Kastrup Airport , Copenhagen . Dear Dad , Welcome home from Lebanon . As you can imagine , I can 't even wait till you get home . Forgive me for having you paged over the loud - speakers . It was the easiest way . P . S . P . S . I may be sitting in the garden when you get here . But you might also be hearing from me before that . P . S . P . S . P . S . I 'm rather scared of staying in the garden too long at a time . It 's so easy to sink into the ground in such places . Love from Hilde , who has had plenty of time to prepare your homecoming . Major Albert Knag 's first impulse was to smile . But he did not appreciate being manipulated in this manner . He had always liked to be in charge of his own life . Now this little vixen in Lillesand was directing his movements in Kastrup Airport ! How had she managed that ? He put the envelope in his breast pocket and began to stroll toward the little shopping mall . He was just about to enter the Danish Food deli when he noticed a small envelope taped to the store window . It had MAJOR KNAG written on it with a thick marker pen . Albert took it down and opened it : Personal message for Major Albert Knag , c / o Danish Food , Kastrup Airport . Dear Dad , please buy a large Danish salami , preferably a two - pound one , and Mom would probably like a cognac sausage . P . S . Danish caviar is not bad either . Love , Hilde . Albert turned around . She wasn 't here , was she ? Had Mark given her a trip to Copenhagen so she could meet him here ? It was Hilde 's handwriting …… Suddenly the UN observer began to feel himself observed . It was as if someone was in remote control of everything he did . He felt like a doll in the hands of a child . He went into the shop and bought a two - pound salami , a cognac sausage , and three jars of Danish caviar . Then he continued down the row of stores . He had made up his mind to buy a proper present for Hilde . A calculator , maybe ? Or a little radio ―― yes , that was what he would get . When he got to the store that sold electrical appliances , he saw that there was an envelope taped to the window there too . This one was addressed to " Major Albert Knag , c / o the most interesting store in Kastrup . " Inside was the following note : Dear Dad , Sophie sends her greetings and thanks for the combined mini - TV and FM radio that she got for her birthday from her very generous father . It was great , but on the other hand it was a mere bagatelle . I must confess , though , that I share Sophie 's liking for such bagatelles . P . S . In case you haven 't been there yet , there are further instructions at the Danish Food store and the big Tax Free store that sells wines and tobacco . P . S . P . S . I got some money for my birthday , so I can contribute to the mini - TV with 350 crowns . Love , Hilde , who has already stuffed the turkey and made the Waldorf salad . A mini - TV cost 985 Danish crowns . That could certainly be called a bagatelle in comparison with how Albert Knag felt about being directed hither and thither by his daughter 's sneaky tricks . Was she here ―― or was she not ? From that moment on he was constantly on guard wherever he went . He felt like a secret agent and a marionette rolled into one . Was he not being deprived of his basic human rights ? He felt obliged to go into the Tax Free store as well . There hung a new envelope with his name on it . The whole airport was becoming a computer game with him as the cursor . He read the message : Major Knag , c / o the Tax Free store at Kastrup . All I need from here is a bag of gumdrops and some marzipan bars . Remember it 's much more expensive in Norway . As far as I can recall , Mom is very fond of Campari . P . S . You must keep all your senses alert the whole way home . You wouldn 't want to miss any important messages , would you ? Love from your most teachable daughter , Hilde . Albert sighed despairingly , but he went into the store and shopped as instructed . With three plastic carriers and his flight bag he walked toward Gate 28 to wait for his flight . If there were any more messages they would have to stay there . However , at Gate 28 he caught sight of another white envelope taped to a pillar : " To Major Knag , c / o GATE 28 , Kastrup Airport . " This was also in Hilde 's handwriting , but the gate number seemed to have been written by someone else . It was not easy to judge since there was no writing to compare it with , only block letters and digits . He took it down . This one said only " It won 't be long now . " He sat down on a chair with his back against the wall . He kept the shopping bags on his knees . Thus the proud major sat stiffly , eyes straight ahead , like a small child traveling alone for the first time . If Hilde was here , she was certainly not going to have the satisfaction of dis - covering him first . He glanced anxiously at each passenger that came in . For a while he felt like an enemy of the state under close surveillance . When the passengers were finally allowed to board the plane he breathed a sigh of relief . He was the last person to board . As he handed over his boarding pass he tore off another white envelope that had been taped to the check - in desk . " Listen carefully , then . It is a widespread misunderstanding that spirit is a thing that is more ' airy ' than vapor . On the contrary . Spirit is more solid than ice . " " And now I 'll tell you a story . Once upon a time there was a man who didn 't believe in angels . One day , while he was out working in the woods , he was visited by an angel . " " They walked together for a while . Then the man turned to the angel and said , ' All right , now I have to admit that angels exist . But you don 't exist in reality , like us . " What do you mean by that ? ' asked the angel . So the man answered , ' When we came to that big rock , I had to go around it , but I noticed that you just glided through it . And when we came to that huge log that lay across the path , I had to climb over it while you walked straight through it . ' The angel was very surprised , and said ' Didn 't you also notice that we took a path that led through a marsh ? We both walked right through the mist . That was becase we were more solid than the mist . ' When they got to Fiane , just before S0ndeled , they passed a cafeteria on the lefthand side of the road . It was called Cinderella . Alberto swung the car around and parked on the grass in front of it . Inside , Sophie tried to take a bottle of Coke from the cooler , but she couldn 't lift it . It seemed to be stuck . Further down the counter , Alberto was trying to tap coffee into a paper cup he had found in the car . He only had to press a lever , but even by exerting all his strength he could not press it down . They came through the trees to a small clearing where there were several cozy - looking brown cottages . A large Midsummer bonfire was burning in a yard between the cottages , and around the bonfire danced a crowd of colorful figures . Sophie recognized many of them . There were Snow White and some of the seven dwarfs , Mary Poppins and Sherlock Holmes , Peter Pan and Pippi Longstocking , Little Red Ridinghood and Cinderella . A lot of familiar figures without names had also gathered around the bonfire ―― there were gnomes and elves , fauns and witches , angels and imps . Sophie also caught sight of a real live troll . " That 's because it 's Midsummer , " said the old woman . " We haven 't had a gathering like this since Valborg 's Eve . That was when we were in Germany . I 'm only here on a short visit . Was it coffee you wanted ? " Not until now did Sophie notice that all the buildings were made out of gingerbread , candy , and sugar icing . Several of the figures were eating directly off the facades . A baker was going around repairing the damage as it occurred . Sophie ventured to take a little bite off one corner . It tasted sweeter and better than anything she had ever tasted before . " I must say , you certainly are a pair of greenhorns . You 'd better hurry up and cut the umbilical cord to your mortal progenitor . We no longer need their world . We belong to the invisible people . " SK 876 from Copenhagen touched down at Kjevik on schedule at 9 : 35 p . m . While the plane was taxied out to the runway in Copenhagen , the . major had opened the envelope hanging from the check - in desk . The note inside read : To Major Knag , as he hands over his boarding pass at Kastrup on Midsummer Eve , 1990 . Dear Dad , You probably thought I would turn up in Copenhagen . But my control over your movements is more ingenious than that . I can see you wherever you are , Dad . The fact is , I have been to visit a well - known Gypsy family which many , many years ago sold a magic brass mirror to Great - grandmother . I have also gotten myself a crystal ball . At this very moment , I can see that you have just sat down in your seat . May I remind you to fasten your seat belt and keep the back of your seat raised to an upright position until the Fasten Seat Belt sign has been switched off . As soon as the plane is in flight , you can lower the seat back and give yourself a well - earned rest . You will need to be rested when you get home . The weather in Lillesand is perfect , but the temperature is a few degrees lower than in Lebanon . I wish you a pleasant flight . Love , your own witch - daughter , Queen of the Mirror and the Highest Protector of Irony . Albert could not quite make out whether he was angry or merely tired and resigned . Then he started laughing . He laughed so loudly that his fellow passengers turned to stare at him . Then the plane took off . He had been given a taste of his own medicine . But with a significant difference , surely . His medicine had first and foremost affected Sophie and Alberto . And they ―― well , they were only imaginary . He did what Hilde had suggested . He lowered the back of his seat and nodded off . He was not fully awake again until he had gone through passport control and was standing in the arrival hall at Kjevik Airport . A demonstration was there to greet him . The worst thing was that he could not just jump into a taxi . He had to wait for his baggage . And all the while , Hilde 's classmates were swarming around him , forcing him to read the signs again and again . Then one of the girls came up and gave him a bunch of roses and he melted . He dug down into one of his shopping bags and gave each demonstrator a marzipan bar . Now there were only two left for Hilde . When he had reclaimed his baggage , a young man stepped forward and explained that he was under the command of the Queen of the Mirror , and that he had orders to drive him to Bjerkely . The other demonstrators dispersed into the crowd . Alberto and Sophie stopped the red convertible on the square in Lillesand outside the Hotel Norge . It was a quarter past ten . They could see a large bonfire out in the archipelago . They drove through the gate and up the gravel path to the house . Alberto parked the car on the lawn beside the glider . A little way down the garden a table was set for three . Hilde sat idly playing with the line that the rowboat was made fast with . In her left hand she held a slip of paper . She was clearly waiting . She glanced at her watch several times . Sophie thought she was very pretty . She had fair , curly hair and bright green eyes . She was wearing a yellow summer dress . She was not unlike Joanna . She looked around . Then she turned her head sharply and stared right into Sophie 's eyes . She did not focus on her properly ; it was as if she was looking right through her . Hilde jumped up and ran toward him . They met between the glider and the red convertible . He lifted her up in the air and swung her around and around . Hilde had been sitting on the dock waiting for her father . Since he had landed at Kastrup , she had thought of him every fifteen minutes , trying to imagine where he was now , and how he was taking it . She had noted all the times down on a slip of paper and kept it with her all day . They sat down at the table . First of all Hilde had to have an exact description of everything that had happened at Kastrup and on the way home . They kept bursting out laughing . Before they began to eat , he said to his wife , " Hilde is too big to sit on my knee any more . But you 're not ! " With that he caught Marit round the waist and drew her onto his lap . It was quite a while before she got anything to eat . " She 's so lucky to be a real person . Now she 'll grow up and be a real woman . I 'm sure she 'll have real children too . . . " " We cannot live a life like Hilde ―― or like the major for that matter . On the other hand , we 'll never die . Don 't you remember what the old woman said back there in the woods ? We are the invisible people . She was two hundred years old , she said . And at their Midsummer party I saw some creatures who were more than three thousand years old . . . " " By no means . It 's only the major who left it behind . He has written the final word of his book , my dear , and he will never find us again . " The Knag family began their meal . For a moment Sophie was afraid it would turn out like the philosophical garden party in Clover Close . At one point it looked as though the major intended to lay Marit across the table . But then he drew her on to his knee instead . The car was parked a good way away from where the family sat eating . Their conversation was only audible now and then . Sophie and Alberto sat gazing down over the garden . They had plenty of time to mull over all the details and the sorry ending of the garden party . The family did not get up from the table until almost midnight . Hilde and the major strolled toward the glider . They waved to Marit as she walked up to the white - painted house . Hilde settled herself comfortably in the glider beside her father . It was nearly midnight . They sat looking out across the bay . A few stars glimmered palely in the light sky . Gentle waves lapped over the stones under the dock . " It 's possible . But it 's also possible that the universe is teeming with life . The universe is inconceivably huge . The distances are so great that we measure them in light - minutes and light - years . " " A light - minute is the distance light travels in one minute . And that 's a long way , because light travels through space at 300 , 000 kilometers a second . That means that a light - minute is 60 times 300 , 00 ―― or 18 million kilometers . A light - year is nearly ten trillion kilometers . " " It 's a little over eight light - minutes away . The rays of sunlight warming our faces on a hot June day have traveled for eight minutes through the universe before they reach us . " " Go on …… " " Pluto , which is the planet farthest out in our solar system , is about five light - hours away from us . When an astronomer looks at Pluto through his telescope , he is in fact looking five hours back in time . We could also say that the picture of Pluto takes five hours to get here . " " That 's good , Hilde . But we here on Earth are only just beginning to orient ourselves . Our own sun is one of 400 billion other stars in the galaxy we call the Milky Way . This galaxy resembles a large discus , with our sun situated in one of its several spiral arms . When we look up at the sky on a clear winter 's night , we see a broad band of stars . This is because we are looking toward the center of the Milky Way . " " The distance to the star in the Milky Way that is our nearest neighbor is four light - years . Maybe that 's it just above the island over there . If you could imagine that at this very moment a stargazer is sitting up there with a powerful telescope pointing at Bjerkely ―― he would see Bjerkely as it looked four years ago . He might see an eleven - year - old girl swinging her legs in the glider . " " But that 's only the nearest star . The whole galaxy ―― or nebula , as we also call it ―― is 90 , 000 light - years wide . That is another way of describing the time it takes for light to travel from one end of the galaxy to the other . When we gaze at a star in the Milky Way which is 50 , 000 light - years away from our sun , we are looking back 50 , 000 years in time . " " The only way we can look out into space , then , is to look back in time . We can never know what the universe is like now . We only know what it was like then . When we look up at a star that is thousands of light - years away , we are really traveling thousands of years back in the history of space . " " It 's completely incomprehensible . " " But everything we see meets the eye in the form of light waves . And these light waves take time to travel through space . We could compare it to thunder . We always hear the thunder after we have seen the lightning . That 's because sound waves travel slower than light waves . When I hear a peal of thunder , I 'm hearing the sound of something that happened a little while ago . It 's the same thing with the stars . When I look at a star that is thousands of light - years away , I 'm seeing the ' peal of thunder ' from an event that lies thousands of years back in time . " " But so far , we 've only been talking about our own galaxy . Astronomers say there are about a hundred billion of such galaxies in the universe , and each of these galaxies consists of about a hundred billion stars . We call the nearest galaxy to the Milky Way the Andromeda nebula . It lies two million light - years from our own galaxy . That means the light from that galaxy takes two million years to reach us . So we 're looking two million years back in time when we see the Andromeda nebula high up in the sky . If there was a clever stargazer in this nebula ―― I can just imagine him pointing his telescope at Earth right now ―― he wouldn 't be able to see us . If he was lucky , he 'd see a few flat - faced Neanderthals . " " The most distant galaxies we know of today are about ten billion light - years away from us . When we receive signals from these galaxies , we are going ten billion years back in the history of the universe . That 's about twice as long as our own solar system has existed . " " Apparently no galxy in space remains where it is . All the galaxies in the universe are moving away from each other at colossal speeds . The further they are away from us , the quicker they move . That means that the distance between the galaxies is increasing all the time . " " If you have a balloon and you paint black spots on it , the spots will move away from each other as you blow up the balloon . That 's what 's happening with the galaxies in the universe . We say that the universe is expanding . " " Most astronomers agree that the expanding universe can only have one explanation : Once upon a time , about 15 billion years ago , all substance in the universe was assembled in a relatively small area . The substance was so dense that gravity made it terrifically hot . Finally it got so hot and so tightly packed that it exploded . We call this explosion the Big Bang . " " Yes I did , and it 's expanding precisely because of this explosion billions of years ago . The universe has no timeless geography . The universe is a happening . The universe is an explosion . Galaxies continue to fly through the universe away from each other at colossal speeds . " " That 's one possibility . But there is another . You may recall that Alberto told Sophie about the two forces that cause the planets to remain in constant orbit round the sun ? " " Right , and the same thing applies to the galaxies . Because even though the universe continues to expand , the force of gravity is working the other way . And one day , in a couple of billion years , gravity will perhaps cause the heavenly bodies to be packed together again as the force of the huge explosion begins to weaken . Then we would get a reverse explosion , a so - called implosion . But the distances are so great that it will happen like a movie that is run in slow motion . You might compare it with what happens when you release the air from a balloon . " " There would be another Big Bang and the universe would start expanding again . Because the same natural laws are in operation . And so new stars and galaxies will form . " " Good thinking . Astronomers think there are two possible scenarios for the future of the universe . Either the universe will go on expanding forever so that the galaxies will draw further and further apart ―― or the universe will begin to contract again . How heavy and massive the universe is will determine what happens . And this is something astronomers have no way of knowing as yet . " " That would be an obvious conclusion . But on this point theory is divided . It may be that the expansion of the universe is something that will only happen this one time . But if it keeps on expanding for all eternity , the question of where it all began becomes even more pressing . " " For a Christian , it would be obvious to see the Big Bang as the actual moment of creation . The Bible tells us that God said ' Let there be light ! ' You may possibly also remember that Alberto indicated Christianity 's ' linear ' view of history . From the point of view of a Chris - tian belief in the creation , it is better to imagine the universe continuing to expand . " In other words , history repeats itself eternally . In India , for example , there is an ancient theory that the world continually unfolds and folds again , thus alternating between what Indians have called Brahman 's Day and Brahman 's Nigh . This idea harmonizes best , of course , with the universe expanding and contracting ―― in order to expand again ―― in an eternal cyclic process . I have a mental picture of a great cosmic heart that beats and beats and beats …… " Sophie was silent . She gazed out over the garden while the major explained about the Big Bang . There was something about that term which started a train of thought in her mind . She opened the glove compartment and found a wrench . She grabbed it and jumped out of the car . She went over to the glider and stood right in front of Hilde and her father . First she tried to catch Hilde 's eye but that was quite useless . Finally she raised the wrench above her head and crashed it down on Hilde 's forehead . " Impressive , " said Alberto grudgingly as she climbed on board clasping the wrench tightly in her hand . " You have unusual talents , Sophie . Just wait and see . " " That 's right . That 's what you used to say about phosphorescence when you were little . And in a sense you were right . Phosphorescence and all other organisms are made of elements that were once blended together in a star . " " When radio telescopes can pick up light from distant galaxies billions of light - years away , they will be charting the universe as it looked in primeval times after the Big Bang . Everything we can see in the sky is a cosmic fossil from thousands and millions of years ago . The only thing an astrologer can do is predict the past . " " You and I also began with the Big Bang , because all substance in the universe is an organic unity . Once in a primeval age all matter was gathered in a clump so enormously massive that a pinhead weighed many billions of tons . This ' primeval atom ' exploded because of the enormous gravitation . It was as if something disintegrated . When we look up at the sky , we are trying to find the way back to ourselves . " " All the stars and galaxies in the universe are made of the same substance . Parts of it have lumped themselves together , some here , some there . There can be billions of light - years between one galaxy and the next . But they all have the same origin . All stars and all planets belong to the same family . " " And a question that concerns us all very deeply . For we ourselves are of that substance . We are a spark from the great fire that was ignited many billions of years ago . " " However , we must not exaggerate the importance of these figures . It is enough just to hold a stone in your hand . The universe would have been equally incomprehensible if it had only consisted of that one stone the size of an orange . The question would be just as impenetrable : where did this stone come from ? " " That was when I decided to write a book about philosophy for you . I had been to a large bookstore in Kris - tiansand and to the library too . But they had nothing suitable for young people . " |
My name is Angus James Carnegie . Those few who know me well call me Gus . Sixty - two years old , I 'll be - next May , and although I was born in bonnie Scotland , I 've spent more than half my life here in the States . I 'm happy to say that I 've never lost my accent . I got my first break working for the National Trust at Falkland Place in Cupar , when I left school at the age of 15 , then later I worked at the Palace of Holyroodhouse in Edibnburgh . Over the next fifteen years , I worked in some of the finest gardens in Scotland and England , before emigrating to America when I was in my early thirties . Originally I came over here to visit with my American Aunt Betsy , but fell in love with the place and , with her as my sponsor , I decided to file for citizenship . I still occasionally miss Edinburgh . There 's no place like it for the wind , and the rain , the cheerful weather - beaten faces down the market , and the lukewarm beer down the local pub . Well okay , I don 't miss that so much , but mostly I 'm content to be right where I am . I 'm a grounds man by trade , but these days I make a living as an odd - job man and gardener . I work for a Colonel Jack O ' Neill of the United States Air Force . Have done for the past 13 years . When he first hired me , he held the rank of major , and he was a fine looking young fellow , with a pretty little blonde wife and a bright - eyed son . I 'd been earning my crust mowing lawns and doing yard work , and so after I was recommended by a mutual friend , he hired me to look after his yard when he was away on missions . Very particular about his roses , he was . The wife didn 't seem to care much for roses , or for the wild meadow flowers along the edges of the lawn that he favored . The boy - - Charlie was his name ( and a good Scots name it is ) , he wasn 't interested in the garden at all , as you might expect from a little whipper - snapper like that . He was high - spirited , always trampling the flowerbeds , but I could never get too cross with him . He was ' all boy ' , but such a polite little man . Minded his mother and respected his father . I heard him call the major ' sir ' a few times . I liked that . Children ought to know their place . I find kids these days so rude and cheeky , but Charlie was a good boy . I didn 't really know any of them well back then , though . Came round twice a week for a few hours . Pretty much , I kept myself to myself . Mowed the grass and did a wee bit of weeding and pruning , helped the missus out with the heavier indoor repair work , when she needed me to . But mostly , the major took care of those chores himself when he was home . It was a nice job . I enjoyed being left alone to get on with it . Been a gardener most of my adult life , I have . Worked for Her Majesty , Queen Elizabeth herself , for five years . I don 't need someone telling me my business . The major never stepped on my toes . I liked that , too . There were problems , like in any family . He was promoted to the rank of lieutenant colonel , and then eventually he was a full bird , and it seemed like he was gone more than ever , sometimes for months at a time . The wife seemed to resent the time he spent away . The boy missed having his father around for Little League matches and PTA meetings , but he always sounded proud of what his father did for a living . They both were proud of him , but there was resentment there , too . It looked like nothing that couldn 't be fixed though , at that point . I wasn 't there the day Charlie died in that terrible accident . Heard about it on the news that evening , and I can tell you , I was devastated . Couldn 't bloody well believe it ! Maybe it was foolish , but I felt almost like one of my own family had died . The colonel had always been so careful about his gun , locking it up carefully in a gun cabinet after cleaning it . I remember having a chat with him one day about it while I helped him paint the ceiling in the den . See , I 'm a bit nervous about guns but he said to me " Gus , guns don 't kill people , people kill people . " I guess that made sense at the time . Now though . . . well , let 's just say I still hate guns . Poor bastard ! Charlie dying the way he had , I thought it was going to be the end of him . After the funeral , I still kept up with the garden , even though the colonel forgot to pay me for over a month . His head was a mess , poor man , so I made do . Didn 't want to add to his worries . The missus came out a few times to chat with me , but as far as I knew , her husband never left the house for weeks . Saw him a few times through an upstairs window . I think it was his son 's room ; there were little airplanes on the blue curtains . He would stare out of the window , his face a blank mask , hair grown long around his face . He always peered up into the sky like he was looking for something . I 've never been married , never had kids . I can 't imagine what it would be like to lose one . Don 't want to imagine it , either . No one should have to bury his own child . There 's something fundamentally wrong with that . I was raised to believe in an afterlife , and that death is only the beginning of our eternal spiritual life , but I don 't think such platitudes would have meant a damned thing to Jack O ' Neill or his wife right then . He cut his hair short again and started leaving the house early each morning . I was often arriving as he left . I guessed he 'd been reactivated , though I would never come right out and ask . Other times , I heard them rowing , even when I was right at the bottom end of the yard . There was a whole lot of sadness in that house . She finally moved out the day after he left on that mission . Went to stay with her dad , I understand . I was sad to see her go . Not because I was fond of her ; actually I 'd barely spoken to her the entire time I worked for them . No , it was because I always feel sad when a family breaks up . I don 't think she blamed him for what happened , but he blamed himself enough for both of them . Before she left , she told me that she was thinking of putting the house up for sale . I thought about maybe digging up his roses and taking them home with me . Didn 't like the idea of someone neglecting them . They 'd meant such a lot to him , you see , those roses had . There was even a white one called ' Charlie ' . We were both very fond of that one . But I never did it . Never dug up his roses . I was pruning back the cherry tree when he came home after the mission . I was bloody glad to see him get out of his truck , I can tell you ! Something was different about him . At first I assumed that it was the thrill of coming home from a mission he hadn 't expected to survive . But as time went on , I could see that it was more than that . He seemed rejuvenated . I even saw him smile a few times . Wish I knew who , or what , had put that little smile on his face , but it didn 't really matter , so long as it stayed there . He bought himself a smaller house on the other side of town , closer to Cheyenne Mountain , where he worked , and the missus moved back into the big house . He gave me the choice of staying there or coming with him . Well , I was getting a bit older , and the new garden was smaller , which was as good an excuse as any . So , I recommended a friend of mine to the missus . Far as I know , he still works for her . Right after the move , he retired from the Air Force with the rank of full bird colonel . I don 't know what he did for a living as a civilian , as he never saw fit to tell me , but he still left the house early each morning , and I still got paid regularly , so I didn 't much care . I helped him to build a platform on his roof , and he put a telescope up there . I asked him once what he looked at . Don 't much care for stargazing myself , and I don 't even pretend to know the names of all the constellations . I certainly had never heard of the one he told me he looked at , called ' Abydos ' . Still , it seemed to make him happy , and I was all for that . Sometimes he would have old forces buddies over for a barbeque . He kept telling me to put down the hedge trimmers and join them , but it didn 't feel right to me . I was his gardener . It wasn 't right to socialize . I remember one guy called Kowalsky , who came to talk to me about the azaleas while I was putting away my tools in the shed . ' Charlie ' , I think his name was . I wondered if the colonel had named his kid after the guy . They seemed to go way back , from what I could tell . Anyway , Kowalsky was a nice laddie . And boy , did he know his azaleas . I was sworn to secrecy about that . I believe his exact words were , " Jack ever finds out I grow these babies , and I 'm coming after you in the night with a handgun , mister ! " Even though I knew he was joking , I never thought to betray his secret to the colonel . It was a busy time for me . He had a lot of ideas and plans for his new house , and I was happy to help him remodel . He made the place a real home , warm and welcoming . We opened up the old chimney so that he could light a fire in the hearth . He hadn 't let me dig up any of the flowers from the old house , so I went to a specialist grower and bought him our favorite white rose for his birthday . The look on his face was enough to have me scampering for the garden shed before he could hug me or anything . We planted the rose right by the deck , so he could look out at it everyday . The colonel helped me rake the dead leaves that fall , and he talked to me a lot . Proper conversation , too , not just a nod and a wink and a passing of the time of day . I told him about my days as a junior gardener at Buckingham Palace , and how the Queen had walked past me one day and stopped to ask a question . I still can 't remember what she asked , as I 'd been stuck dumb the moment she looked at me . He laughed so hard , I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel ! Then he told me about the time he got shot down over Iraq and spent four months as a prisoner of war . My God , the man has balls , I 'll give him that , but despite the outward bravado , I could see how hard that experience had been on him . He left out a lot more than he ever told me , I 'm sure . Then one night , the long black car turned up again , and he was off on another mission . I got the impression that this one was just as dangerous as the one the year before had been . I suppose he must have been very good at what he did , otherwise why would they have kept reactivating him ? Again , he told me that there was a chance he wouldn 't make it home from this one . I had been following the news , and couldn 't think where he could be going , but I knew better than to ask . I 'd already worked out that he might have been based at NORAD , but he sure as hell didn 't work there . Maybe it was his muttered comment about ' fucking sand gets everywhere ' that gave it away . I figured maybe Iraq again , or Egypt , maybe . He wasn 't gone for long that time , though . And when he came back , he told me he 'd decided not to retire . I think despite the sand and the danger , he liked being in the uniform again . There was a new sense of determination about him , a renewed vigor . It was good to see . And he was happy , truly happy again . There was a connection somehow between Daniel and that last mission . He introduced himself to me as an archaeologist . I still don 't know how they hooked up , but I always got the impression that the colonel had brought Daniel back with him , from his mission to the Middle East . He was an incredibly handsome laddie , with big blue eyes and long floppy brown hair that he was constantly tossing back from his face . He wore glasses ; gold rimmed ones that gave him an air of authority . Without them , he just looked like a wee lost boy . Daniel didn 't have anywhere to live at first , so the colonel let him use his spare room . Almost right away , I could see how close they were , how connected . It fairly sparkled in the air between them . Whatever they 'd been through , whatever they had survived , it 'd forged a bond of friendship so strong , it seemed that nothing would ever break it . I didn 't find out till I got to know Daniel better , but the poor lad 's wife had been kidnapped out there , and the colonel was helping him find her . I hoped they 'd get the poor lady back . It didn 't bear thinking about what could happen to her . You hear stories about the way they treat women as chattels over there . Both men seemed lonely and spent a whole hell of a lot of time together . It made sense that they 'd found a common bond , since , after all , the colonel had lost his family , too . But eventually Daniel found an apartment of his own , leaving the colonel listless for days after he moved out . I think he really missed the company , but I understand that the arrangement couldn 't go on indefinitely . People might talk . Flowers fascinated Daniel . He told me he 'd been brought up in the deserts of Egypt , and then fostered at the age of eight , after his parents had died . Most of his foster parents didn 't have gardens , and after that , he 'd been in school for lots of years , so he 'd never had a chance to have a garden of his own . He loved to sit outside , watching me work with the flowers and was always so full of questions . And he loved the roses , too , especially the white one . I liked that . Before long , the colonel was joining us out there , and that 's when he started telling me to call him Jack . ' Course , I couldn 't do it . Wouldn 't have been right , what with him being my employer and all . The American 's are strange in that way . They don 't seem to have the same boundaries we have in the UK . Never the less , those boundaries did begin to blur a little , thanks to Daniel . The man had such an open , friendly personality ; it was impossible to stand on ceremony with him . I swear , the Queen herself would have been asking him to just call her Liz ! A good couple of years after I met him , I found out that his wife had died . I didn 't get all the specifics , but I suppose the kidnappers must have killed her almost right away . All those years they spent searching for her , and she 'd probably been dead the whole time . Still , in one way , it must have been a relief to finally know that . If the poor woman were still alive now , she would barely have been recognizable to Daniel . You hear stories about the slave trade , and how a woman 's body can be used . Doesn 't bear thinking about . Still , it was terribly sad . The colonel went with Daniel back to Egypt to bury the poor girl . I assume it was Egypt anyway . I saw a small photo of her once , and she certainly looked Middle Eastern . He talked about a ceremony to free her spirit and send it to the afterworld or something . I 'm a lapsed Catholic myself , so I 'm no stranger to ceremony . I say , whatever gets you through the pain is all right with me . The colonel tried very hard to occupy Daniel 's time after that . I think he remembered how lost he 'd been after his wife left him . There were lots of barbeques and parties over the next few months . I met the other two members of the colonel 's team for the first time . The big guy called Teal ' c was quiet , barely ever spoke , and when he did , it seemed very profound . I liked his quiet dignity and strength . The blonde woman reminded me a lot of the colonel 's ex . Except that she liked roses . She seemed very smart . Way smarter than the colonel , anyway . Perhaps more in Daniel 's league . I wondered if the colonel had ever though about fixing her up with Daniel . They looked quite bonnie together . She seemed to like him well enough , but I didn 't feel much chemistry there . If anything , they seemed to act like siblings when they got together , always nudging each other and whispering back and forth . They both seemed to crave the colonel 's favor . Yeah , looked like sibling rivalry is what they shared . Between her and the colonel , yes , there was a definite spark . But of course , there was no way anything could happen there . They were both officers on the same team . ' Rules is rules ' , as my father used to say . But Daniel - he was a civilian , so he wouldn 't have to abide by those rules . The colonel was off on missions a lot after that . I won 't lie ; I often wondered what the hell they really did in that Mountain . I heard the major tell someone that she worked with radio telemetry or something like that . It didn 't really fit with what I already knew , but as it was clearly a cover story , I kept my mouth shut . Whatever they did , it was dangerous , and it was important . That was more than enough information for me . I had a key to the house by then , so that I could see to any problems that might crop up while he was away . I liked to check the pipes frequently , in the winter . Nothing worse than coming home to find your pipes had burst , and you had a flood on your floors and no hot water . So I cared for his home as if it were my own . Good job , too ! There was this one time when he was gone for three whole months . I got worried when I hadn 't seen him for a few weeks and called Daniel . He came round to make sure I got paid , but he couldn 't tell me anything . Just that the colonel was trapped ' behind enemy lines ' , as he put it , and that they were all working very hard to get him home again . Well , they got him home , all right , but I have to say , I was worried about him . He came outside , into the garden that first evening back , holding two glasses of whiskey . I 'd been getting ready to go home , after spending most of the day fixing a fence that had blown down in the gales , but when he handed me a glass , I took it and drank to him . He shook his head and said , " Nah , not to me , Gus . To the future , and to all the missed chances . " Half a bottle of Glenfiddich later , it turns out that while he was trapped , he 'd met some woman , but had to leave her behind . There was a chance that she might have been pregnant with his kid , but he had no way of finding out . He couldn 't stay with her , and he couldn 't bring her back with him . Poor bastard . He really has no luck at all with the women in his life . He didn 't say that he was in love with her , and I think he was more in love with the idea of having a family again , but we never spoke of it again after that first night . Fortunately , he had Daniel in his face , trying to take his mind off his woes . Seemed like the guy lived there sometimes . By this time , I was more or less there every day , doing something or other . I don 't think the colonel really relied on me all that much , but he did enjoy having someone to talk to who wasn 't connected to his job . We compared American football and English soccer while replacing the fallen roof tiles , hockey and basketball while replacing the guttering , baseball and rugby while laying a new deck . He confided that Daniel was useless at car mechanics , and hopeless when it came to sports , and I often wondered what exactly they DID have in common beyond their work . They were a strange pair and no mistake , but there was no denying that they had a deep affection for one another . Yes , Daniel definitely helped him through a dark place in his life . The colonel has always had a lot of friends , a lot of buddies , but I don 't think he was ever as close to anyone as he was to Daniel . In some ways , I think they were too close . The colonel threw a Christmas party , and everyone in the state seemed to have been invited . I almost didn 't go myself . The invitation was addressed to ' Angus J . Carnegie and Partner ' . I didn 't want to go alone , not to a party where there would be so many couples and families , but I didn 't really have much choice . She 'd already told me to call her Sam , but she was a major in the Air Force , so it was hard not to use her rank . Then again , I couldn 't really imagine the lassie in a uniform . She wore such floaty , feminine clothing off duty . They were talking about ' armbands ' and something that sounded like ' Zatark detector ' . None of that made any sense to me , until they started talking about their ' feelings ' . The long and short of it was that despite the rules , the colonel and the major had developed some kind of affection for each other . She was demanding to know exactly what it was he felt for her . He was definitely being evasive . I got that . I really did . His first wife left him after their son died ; his next serious relationship ended with him having to abandon his girlfriend behind enemy lines , possibly pregnant . He wasn 't keen to commit again . Relationships were not high on his list of priorities . I really did get that , and I was surprised that she didn 't seem to . If she really cared that much for the man . . . ? Finally , someone else came into the room , and they stopped talking and left . As soon as it went quiet , I came out of hiding , only to find that the dining room wasn 't as empty as I 'd hoped . It 'd been Daniel who 'd interrupted them , and he was still there , both hands pressed to the tabletop and his head hanging down . He looked defeated , and it was obvious that he 'd heard as much as I had . I kicked myself . Of all people , how could I have missed this ? Of all people who had come to know Daniel and the colonel over the years , how could I have failed to see how much Daniel loved him ? I suppose I assumed that because Daniel was married when I first met him , and obviously happy , that the laddie was straight . You see , the reason I came to this party alone was not because I have no partner . I was just afraid to bring him with me to a military affair . I was afraid of being the ' butt ' of homophobic jokes . Lawrence and I have been together for sixteen wonderful years , and although I wasn 't ashamed of him , I liked my job too much to risk ' coming out ' to my military employer . The next few months were terrible . Something happened that forced a wedge between the colonel and Daniel . I have no idea what really happened , but I think perhaps Daniel came clean and confessed to the colonel how he felt , and to say that things got frosty would be an understatement . Daniel didn 't come round nearly so much , he never stayed over any more , he was even absent from more than a few of the barbeques the colonel held . I felt bad for the colonel , I really did . In pushing Daniel away , he was ending the very friendship that had sustained him for years . I wanted to tell him he was being stupid , but it wasn 't my place , you see . I was still his employee , even if he did occasionally confide in me . For a lot of months , his was not a happy house . I still helped out with the odd jobs , we still talked , but the spark had gone from the colonel . When he laughed at my jokes , I could tell it was forced , and he almost never joked himself anymore . I missed seeing Daniel lounging on the deck , missed listening to their banter . Now that I thought about it , the love had always been there , right from day one , for anyone who had the eyes to see it . It was such a shame that the colonel couldn 't accept Daniel for who and what he was . But I 've seen it happen before , and it didn 't really surprise me . Straight guys don 't react well to suddenly finding out that an old friend is actually gay . There 's always a feeling of betrayal . It 's happened to me . I was never brave enough to be up front about my sexuality , and when my male friends found out . . . . well let 's just say I found myself with a lot less friends than before . These days , gay guys have it so much easier . They don 't have to feel ashamed and try to hide their feelings or needs . In the dark days of my youth , I 've been spat on and beaten for daring to find men attractive . I know those attitudes still exist today , I 'm not that naïve , but things are easier now , there 's no denying it . We 'd been fitting a new shower in his bathroom before he was called away on a mission . I was just finishing the last of the tiling when he came in and stood in the doorway . His face was white and drawn . He just stood there , hands shoved way down deep in the pockets of his jeans , and blurted it out . " Daniel 's dead , Gus . He was killed . . . killed in the line of duty . " They were harsh , cold , impersonal words that couldn 't begin to hide the pain and despair I saw behind the professional mask . I reached out and laid my hand on his shoulder . I couldn 't think of anything else to do , anything at all to say . What do you say in these circumstances ? ' I 'm sorry ' seemed so inadequate . I wanted to cry . But it 's not in my nature to break down in front of another man . In the privacy of my own home , I would cry for Daniel . I would raise my glass in tribute to him and say a prayer . But right now , I fought back the tears and tried to think how to help the colonel get past this . He looked so lost , like he had when his son died , like when his wife left , when he came back from those three months of exile . I knew about Daniel . I was sure he did , too . But neither of us was at liberty to talk about it . That was the moment I decided not to let our respective positions get in the way . He needed to talk this out . He needed an friendly ear to hear his pain . He needed me . I threw down the towel I 'd used to wipe my hands and led him into the kitchen . Been around the place long enough to know where he kept the good stuff . We got through a bottle and a half of finest quality double malt that evening . I took a huge risk and told him about Lawrence and me , with my heart pounding in my throat at the thought of what he might say or do to me . And you know what ? He already knew . He 'd known for bloody years ! They had me checked out , the Air Force I mean . His work was very sensitive , so anyone who had access to his home had to be thoroughly vetted . I sat there with my mouth hanging open in shock . I 'm not going to claim that I wasn 't a little bit pissed off about that . But I suppose national security comes before my privacy . I asked him why he hadn 't said anything , and he said it 'd never come up , and anyway , it didn 't make any difference to him . I believed that , I really did . I was so stupid to be afraid all that time . The colonel didn 't care about labels and tags . He liked what 's inside of a person . And I felt ashamed that I 'd ever doubted that fact . The whiskey made me bold , and I asked him about Daniel . I asked him if he knew how much Daniel had loved him , and he let his face drop into his hands . For the longest time , I didn 't think he would answer me . Then slowly , very slowly he raised his head and looked me right in the eye . " Gus , I 'm a selfish bastard , " he sighed , shaking his head . " I told him I couldn 't be with him while I was still in the Air Force . I told him that the oaths I swore the day I put on the uniform meant more to me than he did . I told him that I wouldn 't retire to be with him so long as there was a clear and present danger to the country . " I knew my mouth was hanging open , but I was just so surprised . I thought he was going to say that he couldn 't be with Daniel at all because he was straight . My face must have registered my shock , because he put down his glass and laid a hand over mine . " Before you have to ask , no , I 've never been with a guy before , but it doesn 't matter , Gus . It was Daniel . Didn 't matter what sex he was , it was just Daniel ! " He looked confused and resigned all at the same time . I felt the tears prickle the back of my eyes and forced them back . " I loved him so fucking much , and I never told him , and now it 's too late ! " He drained the last dregs from his glass and slammed it down on the table . " I pushed him away with a load of bullshit and lies , and you wanna know why ? " " I was afraid , " he whispered . " I was afraid of fucking it all up again . Of losing him , just like I lost Sara , and Charlie , and Laira ! " I slept on his couch that night and woke up the next day with a head the size of a large melon . I was concerned that it would be awkward , remembering our conversation , but it wasn 't . He appeared the moment I sat up , groaning , and passed me a glass of water and two aspirin . Later , once our stomachs had settled a bit , he cooked a real breakfast , and we talked a bit about Daniel . He said that if he ever got a second chance , he 'd tell Daniel he loved him . I believed he 'd do it , but there 's no such thing as second chances , is there ? God , if only . . . My father died when I was nine . I was brought up to keep my emotions buried deep inside , like a ' real man ' . I always wanted to tell him that I loved him , and I forgave him for walking out on my mum and me when I was born , but I never did it . Regrets ? Yeah , I have them . We all do . Jack O ' Neill probably has more than most . Give the man his due , though , he didn 't throw in the towel and walk away from it all . He stuck with his team , even accepted a new member , though I think that was hard for him to do . No one could replace Daniel , not in his heart or in his life . I never met the guy who took Daniel 's place on the team . Major Carter told me be was a decent fellow , and I don 't doubt it . She doesn 't ' take ' to just anyone , you see . Still , the colonel was never the same after that . Like ' a ghost walking among men ' , as my old grandma used to say . He never fully connected with anyone or anything , not anymore . Did the job , and did it well , from what I know . But Jack O ' Neill was dead inside . I could see it clearly , and I hated it . But what could I do ? The light had gone from his life . All I could do was hope that one day , he could forgive himself for all the loss he 'd suffered . One man shouldn 't have to bear so much . I went home every night to my Lawrence , and I thanked my lucky stars for the blessings I had . Happiness is so fleeting and fragile an emotion , like the petals of a rose , something to be cherished and protected . If anyone deserved a second chance , it was Jack O ' Neill , but fate is seldom that kind . I finished pruning the rose bush and sat back on my heels to survey my handiwork . Already there were several large white buds getting ready to burst into bloom . The garden was looking fair braw , as we say in my neck of the woods . The first flowers of spring had all but died back , and the summer bedding added a splash of color to the verdant green of the lawn . Next to the white rose , a smaller bush nestled . This one would be a bonnie shade of red . It was called " Danny Boy " and I 'll never forget the look on the colonel 's face when I told him that . I almost had second thoughts about my wee bout of sentementality in buying it for him . But he smiled and told me to go plant it next to the white one . This time of year never failed to remind me why I chose gardening as a profession . The air was heavy with the promise of a late spring rain , and I felt the faint whisper of a breeze ruffle my hair , what 's left of it ! I love the spring . Of all the seasons , it touches my romantic heart the most . Life bursting forth again after its long sleep , fresh and new and as yet untouched by the ' slings and arrows ' of life . I got stiffly to my feet , cursing old age and arthritis , and began to collect up my tools . The colonel was due back home after another mission , and could turn up any time now . I wanted everything stowed away before he got there . The garden had to be prefect for him . A soft voice from behind startled me , and I whirled around , dropping the rake in shock when I saw the man smiling fondly at me , like it hadn 't been a year since I last saw him . Like nothing had happened . Like he hadn 't died ! " Hello , " he said . " I 'm Daniel . You must be Angus ? " All the color drained from my face . This fellow looked like Daniel , he sounded like Daniel , but he couldn 't possibly be Daniel . Then the colonel appeared at his side . I opened my mouth to speak , but only a small squeak came out . " But . . . but . . . but he 's dead ! " I babbled . Clearly he wasn 't , but I couldn 't get my head round that fact yet . The colonel cast him a withering glance . " Now I know you 're doing that on purpose . " He turned back to face me , but I hadn 't managed to drag my eyes from the ' Daniel clone ' yet . " Gus , Daniel was only ' presumed dead ' . We never actually found his body , " the colonel said softly . Suddenly bursting into a huge grin , he looked right at Daniel again and said , " Well lookit - we sure found it now ! " I reached out a finger and poked Daniel squarely in the chest , assuring myself that this really was Daniel Jackson . Daniel 's mouth framed a little ' ouch ' shape , but he smiled back at me calmly . I blinked , but he was still there . Oh , my God ! It was true . He was back , he was alive , and . . . and the colonel was grinning ! ! ! ! I nodded . Oh yeah , he was going to do it . He was going to tell Daniel how he felt . I would have loved to been a fly on the wall for that little scene " It 's good to have you back , Daniel . " I told him . " You were sorely missed . " And Daniel offered me an enigmatic little smile . I bent , picked up my spade and rake , and walked down to the shed shaking my head in wonder . By the time I 'd put away all my tools and cleaned the lawnmower , they 'd gone into the house . I know I shouldn 't have done it , but I crept up to the deck and peered into the living room . Daniel was standing at the fireplace looking at the pictures on the mantlepeice . The colonel was behind him . As the patio doors were slightly ajarn I could clearly hear what they were saying . " Listen , Daniel . I meant what I said earlier . You can drop the whole ' Jim ' thing . It 's getting real tired ya know . We were friends , close friends . " Daniel had been fingering a book on the mantelpiece . Without turning , he picked up the book and began to flip through the pages . " How close ? " he asked , his attempt to look nonchalant destroyed by the tremor in his voice . The Colonel moved up behind him , reached round and took the book from his fingers . " Turn around , Daniel , " he said so softly that I had to strain to hear . Daniel obeyed , and they were so close that their chests almost touched . I felt heat crawling up my neck and face , but I didn 't move away . This was more than I could ever have wished for my colonel , and I wanted to feel part of it somehow . He was more than my employers now , he was my friend and I wanted to see him happy . The book fell to the floor when the colonel slid his hands upward , framed Daniel 's face and stared into his eyes for the longest time . " Won 't lie to you here , Danny . Before . . . before you . . . " he rolled his eyes skywards , " . . . went all glowy , we never got this far . If you think you remember . . . " I watched for a little longer , until their kisses began to grow more desperate . Then I quietly slipped away , carefully avoiding the creaky plank we 'd been meaning to fix since last year . As much as I was enjoying the show , I 'm no pervert . Time to give them both some privacy . |
Her heartbeat is ringing out as clear as a bell . I leap through the air , traveling a hundred feet with every jump . My back and knees are never going to forgive me for this , but there 's no way she 'd survive if I tried to run her in at this speed . She 'd be killed by the wind shear before we made it two blocks , and suffocate well before we reached the hospital . I 'm on the rooftops now . It only took a few minutes to get here from outside the city , but it might as well have been forever . My hands are slick with her blood . She clutches at me with surprisingly strong fingers . Normally , her nails would be digging into my skin . But for the next five minutes it 's hard as a rock . The trouble with a city like this is that all the damn buildings and traffic get in the way . If I didn 't care about collateral damage , I could bounce straight to the hospital , flattening cars and knocking down walls on the way . But there are people in those cars , and people on the sidewalks under those buildings . It doesn 't make sense to save one life if I 'm killing a few dozen others , no matter what my intentions are . It 's like a metronome , ticking her life away . I try keeping a mental count in my head while also dodging and weaving my way around innocent people . A few quick bursts of speed as I run get me through the worst of the downtown traffic . She 's stopped scratching at my face now . Instead , her hands are wrapped around my neck . Her fingers are freezing . I try to tell myself that it 's the cold air rushing past . Or maybe the rain . The last thing I want to think about is the truth : that this woman is going to die in my arms if I don 't go faster . I 'm starting to feel her weight more . She wasn 't terribly heavy when I grabbed her from the car accident out in the suburbs . I know you 're not supposed to move someone . I know that . But she was going to die if I didn 't . I took a calculated risk . It 's not like I 'm new at this . As near as I can tell , my record is around two hundred lives saved in one night . Each pill only gives me twelve hours . Then I 'm normal again . No super speed or super strength . No more enhanced hearing or vision . Just me , with my shitty retail job and tiny little apartment . Her heart 's beating faster . I 'm losing her . Moving faster now , running up walls and zipping around people . Moving so fast the rest of the world stands still . I try to keep her tucked in against my body , telling myself that a missing finger or toe is better than her dying . My mind runs back over that first night . When I spent my first few hours dicking around in a junkyard . Picking up cars and tossing them like they weighed nothing . Trying to run up walls . It was supposed to be a clinical study . Try out a new drug , earn a couple hundred bucks . Easy money . Instead I got powers . The first thing I did , once Dr . Porter explained what had happened to me , was steal three bottles . Then I got the hell out of there . Sitting around while a bunch of guys in lab coats poked and prodded me suddenly didn 't sound all that appealing . " One pill , twelve hours , " Dr Porter said . It 's the only thing I really remember before I raced out the door . They weren 't pissed enough to come looking for me , so I 'm hoping that somewhere he 's approving . Hopefully he didn 't get fired . The woman in my arms is shaking . I can see the hospital just up the street from us . We 're going to make it . Her eyes flutter and for a second she smiles . She knows I 'm going to save her . We can make it . I duck my head down and run faster . There are a lot of cameras outside hospitals , and I don 't wear a mask or a gaudy costume . The plan is to jump and then land near the entrance . Set her down and take off again fast enough that they can 't identify me . The shaking is getting worse . I try to write it off as cold , or maybe a reaction to the run . That 's happened before . This is different . It 's hard to hold on to her . My legs tense , and I jump , watching the ground push away from us . There 's maybe thirty seconds left before the pill wears off . I shouldn 't need more than five . It isn 't until I hit the ground that I realize I can 't hear her heart beat . For a moment , I almost stop moving . I lay her down outside the hospital and close her eyes before taking off again . Behind me , I hear the shout as someone finds her laying there . Maybe they can still save her life . I won 't have any way to know , really . It 's not like I can stroll up to the hospital and ask about her . My legs are giving out now . I can 't hear the chatter of pilots flying planes above me . Or see the radio signals flashing through the sky . My own heart begins to beat faster , almost in mockery of the woman I left at the hospital . I slow to a jog and then a walk . Everything hurts . The seconds tick by on my watch , the last bits of power fading away . I took three bottles from the lab . That 's ninety pills . It comes out to almost 1000 hours . You can save a lot of lives in that span of time . Ducking into a park , I practically fall onto a bench . I sit there for a while blinking back tears . For a few months , I got to be special . I saw amazing things . Bullets frozen in mid - air . I once hit a guy so hard that the dude 's tooth wound up embedded in a wall . I 've pulled kids from burning buildings and took the keys away from drunk drivers before the ignition in the car could turn over . I don 't know if I 'm crying for the woman or myself . Or maybe it 's just the realization that no matter how many people I save , there 's always one more that needs it . And I won 't be able to do that anymore . Sometimes I think about returning to the lab . Maybe finding Dr . Porter again and seeing what options they have for me . But they 'd probably just keep trying to find a way to recreate the effects . If I wasn 't a supervillain before , being treated as a lab rat would make me one pretty damn quick . My heart 's beating steadily in my chest . I drag myself off the bench and start walking towards home . There 's a little bit of blood on my shirt , but not so much that you 'd notice . If anyone asks , I 'll say I had a nosebleed . People shove past me on the sidewalk , stepping off curbs in front of drivers who slam on their brakes and lay on their horns . I keep my head down and keep walking . I 've got work in the morning , and they don 't give you time off for superheroics . Posted on April 28 , 2017 by Chris Page Fabian rapped delicately on the door . The wood was warped and rotted in places . Anything more than a gentle knock would probably take it off the hinges entirely . After waiting the requisite five minutes , he nudged it open with his foot and stepped into the dark room . The air was thick and musty . It had the stink of many lives worn into a tiny space , the odor of secret meetings and unwashed passion . Most of all , it smelled of loneliness . He 'd learned a long time ago not to open the blinds . It wasn 't that the man he came to see hated the light or anything , Fabian just didn 't want to be seen in his company . So he kept his visits to the hour just after the sun came up , when most of the village still slept below , except for the poor kids out tilling fields . In one hand he carried a basket of food . Mostly stale bread and some rotten vegetables from the hog pile . Sometimes , he would sneak meat from the kitchen , even though he knew he 'd catch a beating for it if his mother ever noticed . There was a loud grunt from one corner of the room as the man rose from the pile of rags that he slept in . Some were fashioned into a sort of robe that trailed behind him . He scratched himself and shuffled over to the table where Fabian was failing to hide his disgust . " It never gets any less true . " The man grinned around a mouthful of bread . He brushed crumbs and dust from the table with a wrinkled hand , then nodded to the basket . " What , you couldn 't pack in some pig shit along with the rest of the slop ? " " We had an arrangement , " Fabian said . " I bring you food , you tell me about him . It 's been months and you haven 't told me anything I didn 't already know . " " Why should I tell ? " the man asked . He squinted at Fabian and pointed a bent finger in his direction . " Could be you get what you want , and then you forget about me . Leave me here to starve . " " She 'd only tell me the good things . " Fabian stared down at his hands . He felt the man 's eyes traveling over him and tried not to cry . The man had been shoveling a handful of moldy strawberries into his mouth , and began to choke on them . Juice dribbled down his chin onto the table . In the dim light , it almost looked like blood . " What 's that then ? " he asked with a wheeze . " The truth ? Just words . Words that only mean something if you believe them . Why shouldn 't your mother say nice things about your father ? He was nice to her . Treated her like a fuckin ' princess . " This was the most that the man had ever spoken of Fabian 's father beyond little hints . Fabian 's mouth went dry and he tried to swallow back his anticipation . Maybe this was the moment he 'd been waiting for . The reason he risked bringing all of this food every morning . " You want the truth ? Out there , it 's the truth that I 'm a coward . I left my best friend to die on a hill of mud and shit and bodies to save my own skin . Made a widow of his wife and left his son without a father because I was scared . Of course I was scared . I was twenty years old . Doesn 't make the rest of it true . " " So you didn 't leave him to die ? " Fabian asked . His voice was raw and excited . Each word caught in his throat on its way out . Maybe his father hadn 't been killed defending the gate after all . Maybe he was out in the wilderness somewhere , unable to get back . " The last thing I saw , as they closed the gate , was your father 's face , " he finally said . " He was more alive than I 'd ever seen him . Hair streaming in the wind , laughing like a mad thing out of the stories . ' Come and fight , ' he 'd yelled . ' There 's plenty for everyone ! ' " Fabian 's hands shook as he gripped the table . He hadn 't even realized he 'd grabbed on to it . Struggling to keep his voice steady , he managed to say the words he 'd been afraid to speak for months . " He 's still alive , then . I always knew somehow he would have made it . " " No , " the man said with a bitter laugh . " Gods no , son . When they found your father 's body it was days later . He 'd been trampled by a horde of stinking Frontiersmen , pinned up against the wall . The only way they were even able to identify him was the birthmark on his neck . " " Spoken like an ignorant boy , " the man said . He leaned in closer . " You ever seen one of them up close ? They 're all tangled beards and crooked teeth . Red hair , like yours , but knotted and matted from living out in the woods . Blades almost as dull as their brains . " " Your father led the charge against two thousand angry Frontiersmen , " the man said . " Fifty men against two thousand . He was my best friend . Hell , he was the best man I ever knew . And when I told them to close the gates behind him it was the hardest thing I 've ever had to do in my life . " Fabian started to speak , but couldn 't find the words . He wanted to make the man stop talking . Shut him up . But it flowed out of him now , the words coming in a thick and steady stream . " There 's your truth . I saved this worthless fucking town from being wiped out . But the truth says I deserved to lose my name . To be exiled from my family on the edge of the wilderness and forced to eat rotten food brought to me by a kid who looks so much like my friend that it hurts . To be reminded every week about the choice that I made . " Before he even knew what he was doing , Fabian had thrown the table aside and slammed the man up against the wall . The room shook . For a second , he wondered if it would come down on top of them . The man stared down at him with that same smile on his face . It took all of Fabian 's strength to release him . Tears ran down his cheeks as he walked to the door , although he couldn 't say when he 'd started crying . He was standing on the porch when the man called out to him . Biting back fear and revulsion , Fabian looked at the small shack . The wind was already blowing through the crack they 'd made in the wall . The man was eating the food off of the dirt floor now , scrabbling through rotten vegetables and old meat . He imagined his father 's body , crushed and trampled and bit back a scream . " Then I 'll see you next week , " Fabian said , his voice breaking on the last word . He walked out into the morning light towards home , where his father 's sword hung on the mantle . He had pigs to feed , and his mother would be waking soon . Posted on March 31 , 2017 by Chris Page Clarice glared out her window at the trees that surrounded the house . It had been her grandfather 's , once upon a time , and it still had that old people smell . He passed away during the summer and now her entire vacation was shot to hell . Instead of hanging out at the pool and driving around with her friends , she was stuck in this run down old shack with her parents for three excruciating months . It was the type of place that couldn 't get pizza delivery . Clarice wasn 't even sure if the town had a pizza place . The TV barely worked and cell phone reception was almost non - existent . The internet was probably still just a rumor around here . The nearest neighbor was three miles away on the other side of a bunch of orange trees . She didn 't mind the distance , but she hated the fucking trees . Her nose had started running and her eyes puffed up before they even made it to the end of the driveway . A never ending stream of snot and tears . The house itself sagged in the summer heat like a bitchy old lady , shedding long flakes of blue paint . For the last two weeks , she hid herself in her room and tried to avoid any human contact . The only time she came downstairs was for food and to take more allergy medicine . When they first saw the place , her mother let out a low whistle and said it had " charm " . Her father nudged her and whispered , " That means it needs a ton of work , Clarice 's Pieces . " Clarice rolled her eyes . As if the nickname wasn 't bad enough , the joke was pure parent . If you laughed at their jokes , they might start thinking you were their friend , and the last thing she wanted was friendly parents . She laid in bed at night , listening to them snoring in the next room and hating them for being able to sleep . If she was going to spend her summers in a small town at the ass - end of the map , at least she should be able to sleep . She stared at the shadows on the walls until she eventually drifted off . But she never stayed asleep for too long . Her dreams were filled with grasping roots sliding along the outsides of the walls , trying to find a way in . They had to hire some contractors to fix things up before they could sell it . At first her father seemed to think that he could do a lot of the repairs himself . He 'd even bought a tool belt and a few tools at the hardware store in town . Watching him stand there , examining the dry wall with his bright shiny tools , Clarice thought he looked like an idiot . He 'd tried to build a spice rack two years ago that almost killed the cat . " If you want it done right , you have to pay someone who knows what they 're doing ! " her mother yelled one night . Her father just sighed loudly . Most of their conversations seemed to go that way lately . Today 's contractor was a plumber . He was old , fat , and smelled like Old Spice . Staring at him , Clarice 's mind stuck on the thought , " They don 't make ' em like that anymore . " She let it roll through her head a couple of times while biting back a giggle , then went to her room to avoid having to talk to anyone . Clarice stared at the walls around her . She pictured roots crawling through the insides , wrapping the house in a network of branches . Down below , her father said something that she couldn 't quite make out , and the plumber grunted in response . " Tricky little fuckers , " he said . " Especially out in these parts . You 'll want to make sure that you clear them out straight away . You don 't want them creeping in on you . " Clarice moved closer to the stairs now . The plumber was standing just inside the front door . Her father was in the hall , looking confused and clueless . She could see him calculating just how much this was going to cost him to fix . It was hard not to scream at him just to pay the man what he was asking for and be done with it . The plumber nodded to himself , as if he was thinking the same thing . " Yep , " he said , rotating each arm carefully , the shoulders grinding loud enough that she could hear them from the stairs . " They 'll sneak up on you if you aren 't careful . Got some stuff in the truck you can use to clear ' em out if you want . " " You could do that , " the plumber said , nodding his head a little . " But that cheap , manufactured shit won 't do much for your problem here . You 're new in town , so maybe you don 't know how tricky these things can get - " " It 's just a few roots , " her father interrupted . Clarice sighed . It was the same voice he 'd used with her mother when he wanted to feel capable . " I 'm pretty sure I can handle dumping some chemicals in the toilet to fix the problem . " The plumber waved at the trees that surrounded the house . " This ain 't a problem that chemicals can fix , " he said . " You need someone who knows what they 're doing . " Her father set his jaw and glared . They stood like that for a moment , staring at each other . Finally , the old man shook his head and shuffled out of the hall . Clarice hurried back up to her room and watched as he made his way back to his pickup truck . He looked back at the house once , right before he left , and she thought he might have waved at her . It was hard to tell . Then he shook his head again and drove off down the gravel road towards town . She glanced out into the bathroom across the hall and tried not to think about roots crawling up through the toilet , or reaching for her while she washed her hair in the shower . Down below , her dad was muttering to himself . Clarice tried to block out the thoughts by shutting the door , promising to keep a mental note of every crack and lump in the walls around her . That night , they ate dinner in silence . At home , there had been music and jokes . This house seemed to pull the energy from anyone who set foot in it . Even the contractors seemed to get worn out after a few hours . Clarice wondered if her grandfather had the same root trouble they were having now . The trees that seemed to get closer to the house every day gave her a pretty good idea . " The doctor said it was a stroke , " her father said . " By the time they found him , it was far too late . " They all sat silently for a moment absorbing that knowledge . " He loved this house , and these trees , " her mother added . " I remember him buying the place right before Mom died . She said they were finally happy here . " Clarice watched her mother dab tears from her eyes with a napkin . Her father leaned in and whispered something in her mother 's ear that made them both smile . She wondered when the last time was that this house had seen a genuine smile . They both looked at Clarice . As tempting as ice cream was , her face was still puffy from the pollen and she could barely keep her eyes open . She fought back a yawn , and pushed some food around her plate . They both nodded and went back to eating . Nobody said a word . When Clarice could barely keep her eyes open , she excused herself from the table and went upstairs . The trees had stopped scratching at the windows , and for a moment , it was easy to enjoy the quiet . " The poison must have worked , " she thought , as she changed into her pajamas . Her father would be so happy that he finally did something right . Maybe if they pushed the trees back from the house , she 'd be able to sleep a little better . Clarice was brushing her teeth in the bathroom , when something brushed against her foot . At first she thought she 'd imagined it , just a gentle caress against her bare skin . Then a sharp pain dug into her heel . She fell to the floor with a scream . Her head banged against the tile hard enough to stun her a little . The roots spread across the bathroom floor . Clarice tried to back away from the one that had dug into her ankle . More came up from the toilet and bathtub , sharp pain ripped through her arms and legs as more roots buried themselves deep inside her skin . Slowly , they inched up her arms and legs . More plunged into her back . She could see her grandfather tending to the trees . Small animals at first : a few squirrels , then a cat or a stray dog . Then , a red - headed child pinned to the wall as the roots drained him dry . Her grandfather watching from the doorway , tears streaming down his face . She felt the hunger of the trees . Desire crept through her , a desperate need for blood . One child wouldn 't have been enough , she knew that now . The trees wanted more . Demanded more . Her grandfather sacrificed the only thing he had : his wife . The taste of her blood called out to Clarice through the years . Even in the visions , Clarice could tell that he was not a kind man . He had a hard - bitten look to him . Thin like a rail , with skin that had browned in the sun until he looked like he was carved out of wood . His mouth was fixed in a permanent scowl , the lines printed in his face . He didn 't look like a man that knew how to laugh . Her mother hadn 't spoken of him until he died . And even then , it was about the house and how they needed to fix it up . Clarice had never thought to ask about it . She just assumed that he was old and that was it . People stopped talking to their parents when they got old . That was life . Tendrils dug into her scalp , lifting up her hair as they caressed her skull . She wanted to call out to her parents . Tell them to get away from the house , to leave now while they had a chance . In the distance , she heard them calling up the stairs to see if she was okay . The best she could do was moan slightly . Thousands of roots shivered under her skin and slowly pulled her back towards the wall . Clarice tried to take a breath , but the roots filled her lungs . They fed oxygen to her body while slowly wrapping her in their warm embrace . Her mouth was forced open and she heard her own voice say , " I 'm okay ! Can you come here a minute ? " Posted on February 24 , 2017 by Chris Page BR - 17N fires another round into the corpse at his feet . I cannot help but wonder how much of his behavior is intentional . He is so close to retirement . Both of his arms are covered in flesh and musculature . The doctors have added skin grafts to his neck and torso . He even has a name designation . But his face still shines in the moonlight , and he still deviates from the mission at every opportunity . It is easy to get distracted by BR - 17N 's behavior . I must not lose focus . If I succeed in this mission , I will earn my hands . Extremities are always the most difficult parts . There are many moving pieces , and it takes someone with great skill to do them well . They assure me that Dr . Gainsborough is one of the best in the country . Two young insurrectionists are hiding in the back room . One shields the other with his body , taking several bullets that were meant for her . I watch as she lowers him to the ground . Tears mix with the dirt and ash on her face . When I shoot her , her body falls much like his did . I have made them non - entities . Carbon molecules returned to the world that created them . Part of me wonders who they were before all of this happened . This makes me happy . Wondering means that I am that much closer to human . Perhaps I will even qualify for a name designation , soon . BR - 17N claps me hard on the back and stomps into the room . He has a cigar clenched in his teeth . There is a rumor that he has already gone through four pairs of lungs . I resist the urge to tell him that he should not ruin his lungs that way . They are his after all . It takes 2 , 000 kills to earn a set of lungs . His accomplishments in the field are to be respected . He begins overturning file cabinets . As he passes , he delivers a hard kick to each of the corpses . I pull up the mission parameters , trying to find what it was that we were looking for . That data no longer exists . It is troubling . I ignore the inconsistency . My hands are the only thing that matters . He makes a harsh sound that is somewhat like laughter . If it is meant to be comforting , it does not work . " Do you still have a back - up fuel line ? " he asks . I nod . All HG units have fuel lines , even though they are completely unnecessary . They should have been retired with the HG - 30s . Dr Gainsborough jokes that they are a bit of nostalgia on his part . We all run on hydrogen generators now . I keep my fuel line tucked away in my chest cavity to protect it from getting nicked in battle . I slide my armor plating over to show the thick rubber tube running up my left side . Even though it is not needed , it still pumps fuel through my body . I have come to rely on the pumping as though it were my own heart . He touches it gently with his hand . I wonder if he is thinking about his own fuel line . Does he still have one ? Before he received his name designation , he was an HG - 30 . HG - 39 , according to records . He grabs the tube and yanks it loose from my body . A minor alert flashes through my head . I watch the thick black fluid arc across the room . While I am going through the protocol to shut it down , BR - 17N tosses his lit cigar onto the pile of papers . The temperature in the room rises significantly as the fire spreads . I am grateful that I was able to shut down the fuel line so quickly . He runs from the room , and I am forced to walk after him . My cameras have already recorded the incident . I wonder if he will be punished for it . The fire spreads through the building , but I do not feel it . I know he must run , or risk ruining all of the work done on his body . I feel pity for him . Pity ! Who knew that I was capable of such a thing ? I make a careful point to acknowledge the time and date for my records . I have registered twenty - five unique emotions so far . Each one brings me closer to my goal . More insurrectionists dash out of the rubble in front of us . They cough in the smoke . I take careful aim and fire at them , each death bringing me closer to the hands that are waiting for me . The screams and blood are easy to ignore . A few bullets bounce off the plating that protects my CPU . I wonder how it will feel when it is replaced with flesh and muscle . I will be more careful with my human parts than BR - 17N , that is for certain . It is difficult not to consider the other units that have been retired . All of the HG - 20s and most of the HG - 30s are now living their human lives . Completely covered in flesh , and given new names and identities . Their records are wiped once they leave the facility . This is done to give them privacy . None of the humans know who among them is a robot . Dr Gainsborough says this keeps them from objecting to robots being placed among them . By the time I have reached the door leading outside , BR - 17N has lit a new cigar . He lets out a wet cough . My scanners immediately check his vital signs . I stop the scan . Even with his deficiencies , he is in charge . We stand in silence waiting for the evacuation . My transmitter has contacted a suitable aircraft and it will arrive in minutes . He stares at the flesh that covers most of his body . His right hand squeezes into a fist . I take a step back , certain that he is about to hit me . Instead , he lets loose another cough . A large glob of phlegm hits the ground at my feet . BR - 17N 's words stay with me as we are loaded into the extraction unit . I continue to think of the insurrectionist that shielded the woman with his body . I still do not understand why he did that . There is no logical reason , but then , humans are not logical creatures . It must be important . I will have to learn why , if I am to be a good human . Perhaps I will ask Dr . Gainsborough when I receive my hands . I am hooked in to the main processor , and my camera feed has begun downloading . I try to hold on to the memory of BR - 17N 's words , even though I believe they are false . I wonder if that is why BR - 17N has not been retired . He may act illogically and deviate from orders , but he is not yet a good human . He lacks hope . It is a small word , but an important one . Maybe the most important one . Was hope why the insurrectionist shielded the woman with his body ? Is it hope that inspires Dr . Gainsborough to make us earn our humanity , piece by piece ? Is hope the only reason I continue to kill ? I have many questions , and the answers are not readily available . I have hope that I will find the answers someday . For today , that will have to be enough . Posted on October 28 , 2016 by Chris Page The car was parked down the block near the greenbelt . The tiny splash of nature at the end of the street had always given his husband the creeps . Nick liked it so he let Alan park in the driveway . Nights like tonight though , he kicked himself for it . It wasn 't cold enough to snow , but the air had a damp chill that burrowed right into his bones . The car would be just as cold . It took forever to heat up nowadays , but with the house needing a new roof , and an adoption to consider , things had to fall by the wayside . When Nick pulled the keys from his pocket , they slid through his fingers and dropped right into a puddle on the side of the road . " Goddammit , " he muttered . as he knelt down to pick them up . Before he could grab the keys , a pale hand slid up out of the water and caressed his fingers . He jerked back from the puddle . The keys sat in the shallow water , only getting colder . " Too many hours at work , " he thought . " You have to take better care of yourself . " Nick fished the keys out of the puddle with a shudder and got to the car . It had seen better days , but for a twenty - year old import , it ran remarkably well . He had just settled into the driver 's seat , shivering and wishing for a better heater , when he saw her . She stared out at him from the cover of the bushes . Her thin t - shirt and jeans were definitely not suitable for the icy weather . Nick wanted to get out of the car , but something inside of him made him stay put . There was no way that she knew he 'd seen her . He could just drive away . He started the ignition , and the heater roared and spit out cold air . With shaking hands , Nick switched the fan off . A quick glance in the mirror revealed that the woman had disappeared . " Probably just some junkie , " he muttered . " This neighborhood 's going to shit . " He tried to reach over and shift into drive , but his hand was locked to the wheel . Her voice cut through the air like a rusty knife . Nick stared straight ahead . He didn 't want to make eye contact with her . Didn 't want to see the small chunks of ice in her hair , or the skin that hung loosely from her body . He glared at his hand , trying to will the fingers to let go of the wheel . She slapped the window again , and the car shook . The car shook again as she slapped the window a second time . For a skinny woman , she was incredibly strong . Wet handprints shone on the glass . She leaned forward , staring in at him . " Don 't fucking lie to me , Peter . Just tell me where you go . " Nick leaned back away from the window . He could see his own breath in the cold air ; hers wasn 't visible . She pressed her face against the glass , staring in at him . Her skin had begun to rot , sliding away from her face in places as it moved against the glass . Frost formed on the glass where her hands touched it . Nick closed his eyes , and started to pray . He hadn 't been to church in years , but he promised that he 'd start going again every Sunday if he just got out of this . He thought about Alan waiting inside for him . It was late . He was probably already in bed , reading a book . Alan had never really liked Nick 's late night drives but he had learned to accept them . Nick wouldn 't be missed for an hour at least . He jumped . She was sitting behind him now , fingers grazing his neck . Her skin was cold and damp . His eyes moved on their own , looking in the rear view mirror . Her head was cocked at a slight angle . She seemed more confused than angry . " I just drive , " he said , hating the way his voice shook . " I don 't go anywhere . All I do is drive . It helps me sleep . " " My name is Nick , " he said , his teeth chattering as he spoke . " My husband is Alan . We 're going to have a baby soon . " " We had a baby . A little girl . She 's alone now . " Her fingers slid around his neck . Her grip was loose . Nick wasn 't sure if his shirt was wet from her skin or soaked through with sweat . Tears streamed down his face . " It 's all your fault . " " Why did you hurt me ? " she asked again , her voice breaking slightly . Her grip tightened . Not enough to stop his breath , but just enough to make the threat of asphyxiation stick . Nick desperately wanted to reach up and pry the fingers from around his throat , but his hands still wouldn 't move . Her anger flowed through his skin like an electrical current . Nick felt her argument with Peter , the rage overpowering all of his senses . There had been shouting , and things were thrown . This wasn 't the first of these fights . She had been so sure the neighbors would call the cops this time . Dishes had been thrown . Now there was pain . Her hands touched her stomach and came up bloody . She had run from the house , not long after the fight had begun . Peter yelled for her in the night . Her bare feet slapped against the pavement . The driver never stopped , even after she rolled up onto the hood of the car , the glass shattering beneath her body . The air tasted red , the coppery flavor of blood . " Colors don 't have a taste , " he thought , trying not to choke on it . Every joint felt like it had been filled with broken glass . He felt her dragging herself to the greenbelt , too scared to go home . She had died in the woods like a wounded animal . The fingers released his neck . He risked a quick glance in the mirror . She sat in the back seat of the car , hands still stretched forward . Dark bruises covered his neck . Slowly , Nick opened the car door and eased the key from the ignition . He ran back towards the house where his husband was waiting for him . His keys fell from his numbed fingers in the puddle again , but he didn 't care . The only thing he wanted was to get home , to find the safe embrace of someone who loved him . Posted on September 30 , 2016 by Chris Page Jimmy stumbled across the street , trying to ignore the pain in his stomach . The people passing did their best to ignore him . He knew that he smelled bad . He couldn 't remember the last time he 'd had a shower , or even seen soap . Still , a small part of him died a little when the faces of the people around him scrunched up as he got close . The smell of pizza lingered on the air . Just up the street he spotted a man staring at a cell phone , holding a white box in one hand . The man was dressed nicely enough . Clean clothes , certainly . A blue shirt with a collar and jeans that weren 't faded and thin from everyday use . Jimmy wrapped his heavy green coat around himself , hoping to hide the smell , and approached the man carefully . People did not like to be surprised . Ducking his head a little , he moved up next to the man , who took an involuntary step back . The lie hung in the air , and Jimmy 's eyes drifted down towards the box . Steam drifted up from it , and the smell was making his mouth water . He looked back up at the man 's face . " I really don 't have anything . " The man 's hand shook , rattling the pizza in the box . If anything , the smell was making Jimmy 's stomach hurt even more . He took a step forward , his eyes focused on the box . The man pulled it back against his body , pressing it against his chest with the free hand . " Fuck you ! " Jimmy shouted , lunging forward . He slammed the man up against the wall , the box falling to the ground in between them with a loud slap . The man flailed in his arms , his cries for help coming out as a low whimper . A few people walked past , keeping their eyes focused on the streets in front of them . It was all Jimmy could do not to scream at them . He was tired of people looking through him every day . When the punch came , he wasn 't expecting it . For a brief moment , he 'd forgotten the man with the pizza . The hit didn 't even hurt , really . The man was swinging wildly as Jimmy backed away . People were watching now , recording with their phones , laughing to their friends . Jimmy ducked under a punch and darted past the man who was now red - faced and screaming obscenities . He tried to push through the crowd , and get as far away as he could . The shouts of the man mixed in with the crowd around him , a surprising roar of noise . When the weight of the police officer 's bicycle slammed into him , Jimmy hit the concrete hard , feeling a tooth break in his mouth . He watched from the ground as the crowd began to shuffle away , the pizza box kicked open and the food scattered . He tried to pull himself forward , crawling towards the food that was being mashed into the pavement . Tears welled up in his eyes as he was pulled to his feet . The officer tried to talk to him , to get his side of the story , but all Jimmy could say was , " I just wanted some food . " The words tumbled out of his mouth over and over . " I just wanted some food . " |
Month : May 2013 Posted on May 27 , 2013May 21 , 2013Once Upon A Time : Packard Learns Talk ( Dog Continued ) This image shows a young mixed - breed dog . The parents are a white shepherd dog and an alsatian dog . ( Photo credit : Wikipedia ) Once upon a time Packard learned to talk . He 'd weaseled his way into a family , and spent a great deal of time with the younger children sprawled on him and watching educational programs that to Packard seemed about as interesting as grass growing between his paws . Occasionally a cat would show up and Packard would pick up his head , but for the most part he simply lay and let himself be scratched . Packard had never considered the value of speaking . He could speak to the family well enough . And he understood what they were saying perfectly . When he wanted to go out , they would either get on their plastic wrappings and his leash , or they would talk to him in soothing tones . Packard usually played it up because if he did his eyes dolefully they usually gave him a piece of hardened chicken that he could gnaw on for 0 . 3 seconds before swallowing it . Becoming brilliant by eating lab mice had done nothing for his appetite . But with all the excitement , Packard got a piece of hardened chicken for his " w " grunt . More seemed to be coming , and he knew that if he played the game long enough all of that particular chicken packet would be his . The game Packard liked to play himself was to see if he could get the children so excited they showered him with his chicken and he could snarf it all up before the mother could come in from the kitchen to intervene . So Packard was focused on the screen for the first time . The woman was saying " tomato " and Packard tried to copy it . What he got was " ouguhau . " It wasn 't that he wasn 't trying . Packard 's mouth didn 't work that way . So he got nothing . But looking at the his little child charges chatter away , Packard realized that he would like to tell them more than " feed me " and " I have to go pee . " So he started moving his mouth around every time he saw them talking , which was constantly . Eventually this got him brought into the vet , because the mother thought he must have something stuck in his gums or maybe he 'd had a stroke . Packard hated the vet and took enormous delight in soiling the man 's white coat from ten yards . He found that simply cocking his leg was enough to make the man duck - and - cover . The mother was thinking about having Packard spayed , and she spent most of the visit talking about that . Packard didn 't know what spayed meant , but he cocked his leg when the vet came too close . So Packard learned to talk . The first time he talked , he was watching a dog on the program . Packard said " Dog " quite clearly , but none of the children heard him . Then when the dog barked , Packard barked . The children reacted magnificently . They leapt up and raced out to the kitchen to tell their mother that Packard talked . " He barked , mommy . He barked . " So Packard got a chicken treat . He went for more , because little Brad had gotten a popsicle . Packard liked popsicles . They were cold and crunchy . So when Brad plopped himself down Packard turned to him : " Brad , me lick . " Brad looked like he was going to poop himself , which was a serious risk when you are three . He shoved the whole popsicle in Packard 's mouth , then raced out to tell his mother . Something told Packard that the mother wouldn 't like it if he really talked , so when she came back and asked him to talk , he just barked . But he got the whole chicken packet fed to him by Brad , so Packard was happy . The whole talking experiment had been worth it . Once upon a time there was a mongrel dog by the name of Packard . His name came from the side of the cardboard box he slept in , and he only used it because it sounded better than Hewlett . Packard scrounged around the back streets , looking for scraps and getting into trouble . His life was not as romantic as that of the tramp in Lady and the Tramp , as it mostly consisted of eating garbage and avoiding getting chewed on by packs of other dogs . Packard was always hungry and he 'd eat pretty much anything . So one day when he was sleeping he watched a parade of little white mice with some interest . He 'd seen mice before , but these were white lab mice all walking along in a line , looking about as if they were on a sightseeing tour . Beggars cannot be choosers , and to Packard they were a full meal walking by , so I am afraid he ate them . Later on in the day a number of loud cars came by , driving slowly . Packard feared cars , so he crouched back in his cardboard box so they couldn 't see him . He didn 't feel well , and wondered if the mice had gotten him sick or something . In fact , he wondered quite a few things that he hadn 't wondered before . For example , he questioned what he was doing in this cardboard box , and why the only meals he could obtain were from garbage . That night Packard went to his familiar haunts . But rather than wait for the garbage to come out and lunge for it with the other dogs skulking in the shadows , Packard settled himself by the restaurant back door . When the waiter came out , carrying the garbage , Packard nipped in behind him . He walked casually down the hall , smelling as he did so . A cook was coming out of the cooler , so Packard flattened himself against the wall and slid in before the door closed . Inside the cooler was so much meat that for a moment Packard could hardly think clearly . He selected a large sausage , a generous meal but not too big to carry . Then he pushed on the cooler door , walked out , and walked to the back door . It also was a push bar , so he stood up and pushed . Outside in the alley the dogs were fighting with each other over the garbage . Packard stayed in the shadows and walked back to his box . The next day Packard felt really good . A whole sausage was probably more than he 'd had in a week before . He got up and decided to walk down to the waterfront . On the way , Packard spotted several dogs being walked by their owners . From the look of them , being an owned dog was a better way to live . Packard glanced at himself in a shop window and was horrified . Who would want to own him , in the state he was in ? Packard dove into the river and paddled around to get clean , but he felt dirtier than before . He found a fountain and rolled in it , but it still wasn 't good . Then he found a sprinkler system , one of those annoying ones that are turned up too high , and rinsed himself thoroughly . Then Packard went to the park . He looked at all the owned dogs and took note of the way they behaved . Evidently he was supposed to not listen , to bark at strangers , and to make his business in the wrong places . All he need do was slobber on his owner from time to time or look sheepish if caught . It didn 't look too hard . Packard saw a slow moving van approaching him . He knew from his former life , if that was what he could call it , that this van was slow - moving death from which no stray ever returned . So Packard walked over to an elderly gentleman reading his paper and lay down next to him . The dog catcher got out of the van and walked up to the old man . " No collar , no license ? Who do you think you are , buddy ? " The elderly gentleman had no idea what he was talking about . " This dog ? But this isn 't my dog ! " Packard stood on his hind legs and licked the man in the mouth the way he 's seen the other owned dogs doing . The man spluttered while the dog catcher wrote out his ticket for non - licensing . When the dog catcher left , the old man told Packard he couldn 't have a dog because he lived in an apartment that didn 't allow dogs . Packard could understand only that the man was sad but firm . So he licked the man once more , and trotted over to a family . The children of the family were admiring the other dogs while their mother sat primly texting her friends . Packard got right in their faces and rolled with them , laughing . These humans wanted a dog . The mother shrieked and tried to beat Packard off , so he did his best sheepish look and rolled on his back in submission . The mother tried to shoo him away while the kids went down on their knees to scratch his belly . Packard rolled and smiled and looked as adoring as he could at the mother . But mothers like this are hard to crack . Packard saw that she was not going to be moved . He felt something new , something different from fighting or running . If he 'd had a word for it , it would have been determination . Packard played with the children until the mother pulled them away and made her way to the bus stop to catch the 10 : 30 bus home . Packard followed at a discreet distance , watching . When they boarded the bus , he started following . Busses are faster than people , but not faster than dogs with a good meal in them . Especially when that dog is smart enough to lie down and rest between sprints to the next bus stop . For eighteen blocks , Packard followed the bus , until he saw the children and their mother get off the bus and enter an apartment building . The door was a pull one , so Packard waited until someone came out and then slid in . The inner door was impossible , and he knew that he couldn 't stay in this confined space . A delivery man came in and pushed a button on the wall . The inner door buzzed , and the delivery man let himself in , blocking Packard with his leg . Packard thought about biting him , but thought better of it . He stood on his hind legs and pressed the buttons . Many voices sounded in little tinny sounds , but Packard just sat down . Sure enough , someone came down and , ignoring Packard , held open the inner door while he looked outside . Packard slid inside . Humans would have been at a loss , but Packard had the children 's scent . He trotted up to the third floor , and whined outside the children 's door . When no one came , Packard turned around and thumped on the door with his thick , stubby tail . He also made a sound in the back of his throat , that was half - whine , half - singing . The mother came to the door . Packard sat , tail thumping the floor , when she opened the door . In her surprise , the mother opened the door too widely and let the children see who was there . Even her iron control was bested by a flurry of child stampede . Packard let the children pet him and nuzzle him , then rolled to his feet . With one eye to the reproachful mother , he barked softly and pushed the children inside with his nose . When he followed them in , he even did a little extra scrape of his paws on the mat . " He 's not an ordinary dog . " She confided with her minister . " It 's like he 's watching me and learning . " And Packard was . For his next trick , he 's learning to talk . But that 's another story . Once upon a time there was a window . It was high on an attic wall , and when she looked out Serena could just see a bit of green below the sky . Mostly she saw the clouds , and occasionally the sun . Sometimes the bright sunlight would shine right through the window and wake her up . But mostly it was grey and overcast . The mornings the sunlight came in the window were fewer and fewer these days , as Serena had reached an age where she was awakened before dawn by a pounding on the floor under her head . She 'd grab her dress and sandals and slip them on as fast as she could , then slip down the ladder to the attic and try to get a moment at the water basin to wash her face before she came downstairs . Then she had to make the food for everyone , thick gloppy porridge that she had to stand on a stool to stir with a great wooden spoon . Serena did her best , but the porridge was horribly sticky and she usually ended up eating any burned bits once everyone else had eaten and she was left to scrub out the great pot . She didn 't mind terribly , because the burned bits crunched between her teeth and gave her a black smile that kept everyone else at a distance . They would look at her and cross themselves , talking in low voices about the crazy girl in the attic and her loco mother that they had down at the convent . Then Serena would dance and sing while she cleaned up the pile of dirty dishes . Every day it seemed to get higher , and took her a couple of hours to get clean and dry and stacked back on the shelf . By that time it was time to start cooking lunch , great pieces of fatty meat , steaming rice , and a bubbling cauldron of beans that could burn you if you weren 't careful . Serena had burns all along her forearms , because her dress wasn 't long enough to cover them anymore . The field hands whispered that she had the plague and would infect them all , but they ate the food just the same . Serena got some grease from the meat poured over the rice at the bottom of the pot . The rice was crunchy , too , but Serena rarely burned it . When she ate the meat grease , she would smear it across her face and up into her hair to make it wild and strange . It pleased her that the field hands shied away from her , because she didn 't like them . They were loud and drank too much , and she preferred to listen to the trees and the birds when she could get outside . After lunch , Serena shuffled her feet to a music only she could hear while she cleaned the dishes again . For dinner , she put on more beans , and left a pot of rice to simmer at the edge of the stove . Sometimes it burned , but mostly it did not . Then Serena would slip out into the woods at the back of the kitchen . She would walk barefoot on the pine needles , and rub her face against the rough bark . Serena missed her mother , who had cooked before her , making great quantities of food for the men on the farm . They said that her mother had gone crazy , but Serena knew her mother had just worn out after years of too much work and finally just started shouting at the men and waving a knife until they bundled her off . The convent had taken her , but her mother couldn 't have her daughter with her . So Serena had to stay and if she stayed she had to work . Before she left the woods , Serena dipped her fingers in pine sap and smelled them . She daubed a little pine sap on her filthy dress , the only one she owned . It smelled so good . Then she walked quietly back into the kitchen , where the rice hadn 't burned yet . One of the farm hands was there , dipping his fingers into the hot beans . " Out , " said Serena . She knew he wasn 't supposed to be there . His fellows had probably sent him back for water , but he 'd decided he could get a snack . The farm hand grinned at her . She smiled back with her black teeth and wild hair , and his grin faltered . " Get out or I 'll put the eye on you , " Serena hissed . The farm hand grabbed his hat and headed back out the front . Serena laughed and danced for herself . After dinner , Serena sang softly while she cleaned the pots for a third time . Then , while the men laughed in the common room before heading out to the bunk house , Serena slipped away upstairs to her room . The stars were there to greet her outside her window , and later on the moon should make its course across the window , from sill to sill , silently glowing for her pleasure . Tonight things smelled different . Serena could feel the creak of the house , the shifting of timbers as they cooled from the sun 's heat . She sat up , looking out the window . A prickle ran along her arms and she thought she heard a cautious tread downstairs . But in this house it was almost impossible to be silent . She listened some more , and then lay down again . Another creak , nearer her ladder . Serena rolled out of bed , silent as a cat , and crept to the window . She could just reach the lower sill , and she knew the window was old , but it still might bear her weight . Slowly she pulled herself up with arms made tough from wielding pots on the stove . Very slowly she eased open the window , inch by inch , until there was enough room for her to slip out . As soon as she was out , she inched the window closed again . The window was high off the ground , but Serena was near the roof and she put one foot over the side of the stucco before pulling herself up onto the roof . Once there she crouched , feeling the cool breeze on her skin , watching the stars . Inside her room she heard two men talking in loud whispers . One of them was praying and the other man was cursing him . She smiled . She knew both of those voices . They were the ones who feared her the most , so it would be easy to scare them . She hung over the side of the roof , so that only her head was visible in the top of the window . Then she gave out a shriek that they would hear over at the bunk house . Inside the dark attic room , she could hear the men scream and one of them fall down the attic ladder . The other man was blubbering and praying to himself . She heard him half - fall down the ladder , and then try to drag his friend away . Quick as she could , Serena slipped down onto the window sill . She could hear the bunk house stirring , and someone had lit a lantern . The two men downstairs were making enough noise she wasn 't troubled with the noise of the window . She slid it up and slipped inside , closing it behind her . Then she cuddled up in her little rag of a blanket . It was perhaps twenty minutes before the men downstairs got enough of the story out of the two to come looking . One of them poked a lantern up into the attic before following it with his fearful eyes . Serena yawned and asked : " is it morning already ? " " No , " said the man . " Go back to sleep , please . " Serena smiled . The please meant that for a while they would all be on their best behavior and might even leave her some unburned porridge at the bottom of the pot . But she still liked the crunchy burned stuff best . On Sunday she 'd go visit her mother in the convent and tell her the story and laugh . Maybe she 'd get her mother to help her make the little dolls of the men that they feared so much . Once upon a time Tabitha Razor stepped out . She had on her tiger 's fur coat , fake synthetic , top of the line with musk enhancements . Her dress was pure spun platinum , with thread so fine that spiders watching would have hung their heads and wept . Her shoes glittered as only pure synthetic quartz asteroid belt high heels can . It had the desired effect on the club . The patrons , a mass of tattoos , synthetic attachments , and egos the size of small moons swiveled slowly as she walked . Two girls with prehensile monkey tail attachments greeted her as if she was a rock star , and ushered her onto the dance floor . But Tabitha wasn 't there to dance . Oh no . There was one particular table she was interested in attracting the attention of . So she slithered across the dance floor , collecting a bevy of muscled background dancers only too keen to bump and grind as she undulated to the latest in direct - up - feed wetware techno rave music . To an out - of - the - loop outsider , the dance floor would have been silent . But Tabitha was definitely in the loop . At the table Tabitha saw James talking to his smurf . The girl wasn 't technically entirely blue , but she was covered with the neo - Maori black light glowing blue fertility tattoos , and Tabitha saw her as an evil smurf . James on the other hand , was ultra - conservative retro - goth . He had the full eighteenth century suit , complete with cravat , top hat , and gloves . Nothing of the retro affected his chiseled good looks and his pink , uninked skin shone in the black light like a pale remonstration to his tattooed brethren . Tabitha whipped her makeshift posse into a frenzy by activating the musk glands in the coat . It was the pure stuff , guaranteed to set off a crowd . Suddenly everyone downwind of Tabitha found themselves that much more into anyone around them . James looked . Tabitha saw him looking . She made it clear that any one of these muscular fellows could be his replacement . But it was him she wanted . No one could look into your eyes and melt your socks like James . With a gesture , James sent his smurf scurrying to fetch drinks and then walked out onto the dance floor . His cane , which he had no need of , doubled as a TASER . So when one of the muscle men blocked his path , James TASED him out of the way . He made a gesture to Tabitha , the universal plucking of earphones , now made archaic by the advent of the wetware up - feed . Tabitha turned off her up - feed with a double flick of her eyes and she and James stood in the silence of undulating bodies . " Shall we ? " only James could put out an arm like it was both natural and the highest honor in the world . Tabitha wondered if he 'd taken on a butler chip to get this good . She filed it away for later questioning . " Your smurf ? " Tabitha looked back at the bar . " I think Jennie can find her own way home , and she won 't lack for playmates . " Said James . Together they exited the club and hopped in the first hovertax at the curb . Tabitha thought to herself that even if they didn 't take the shoes back in the morning it was still worth it . Posted on May 19 , 2013May 18 , 2013Once Upon The Time : The Shiny Robot English : Robby The Robot was featured at 2006 San Diego Comic Con in honor of the 50th anniversary of Forbidden Planet and the remastering of the film on DVD . Photograph by Patty Mooney , Crystal Pyramid Productions , San Diego , California . ( Photo credit : Wikipedia ) Once upon a time there was a shiny robot . He was covered in silver paint , and had square eyes that were large enough for him to be cute like a puppy . His body was modeled on the human body , but he had mittens for hands and boots for feet . His mouth was just a speaker , and his ears had been just drilled in so that nothing stuck out . Above his mouth speaker , some clever engineer had attached subwoofers in the shape of a small moustache . The robot doll lived in a rental shop outside an amusement park that was Trademarked so that even the mention of its name in a short story like this might entail royalties . We 'll call it Trademark Park . If someone rented the robot , he would tell them the history of the park while they walked around inside it . But he wasn 't an official , Trademark Park storyteller , so he wasn 't rented often . Then came the day of the tourists who all do the same thing . Most days tourists will try to stand out from one another , but on this day the Trademark Park official storyteller stand ran out of storytellers and needed to find just one more for a last minute visit by a government official who was just part of the common people . He was part of the common people , but he expected that he would be treated like , well , Royalty . So a breathless Trademark Park Storytelling Booth employee came into the rental shop and rented all the unofficial Storytellers . There was Rodney the Rat - Eared Rabbit , Hugo the Hacking Hippo , Jumbo the Jilted Elephant , and our friend Robby the Robot . The employee used a quantity of hand sanitizer before touching the toys as if she thought they were all contagious and might dilute her Trademark . Then she ran back to the Booth and presented the government official 's daughters with their choice . The younger chose Robby , and they walked around the Park happily together . But unlike the other rented talking toys , Robbie had been programmed with the advanced sensor , a little known override that let him take people on the " unofficial " tour . Robbie 's last rentor had paid extra and then the owner had forgotten to take the extra chip out . So the government official 's youngest daughter was given instructions that allowed her to slip into a back door , behind the scenes , to give her a shortcut into a ride . But no one thought of the back tunnels , where the youngest daughter was now following a character of Trademark Park , holding her Robot doll . He would have asked her who she was and solved the whole issue , but he was under strict orders to never , ever , under any circumstances , reveal that he was , in fact , just a regular human being . So he plodded along , and the youngest daughter followed him stealthily . They walked under much of the park , and came out an employee 's entrance . Not knowing what else to do , the character got into his car and the youngest daughter jumped into the back seat . Of course , the security cameras caught the whole thing , and since they were being monitored by satellite , the international news media had the story within a minute . Some unnamed blogger posted the story six seconds before everyone else , so he was given fame for breaking the story first . " Unnamed Trademark character kidnaps government official 's daughter " was what the headlines read . The poor character was wondering what to do , but Robbie the Robot was programmed to promote outside the park concessions . So the government official 's daughter was given a choice of where she 'd like to eat . She chose a ubiquitous fast food franchise , and asked the Trademarked character to stop and come in with her . He did so , not knowing what else to do , and thereby narrowly avoiding the massive onrush of law enforcement . The arrival of the government official 's daughter and the Trademarked character at the fast food franchise caused a stir of excitement and a choking fit in aisle six , where a media consultant of the Trademarked company had been watching the story on her smartphone of infinite smartness . She saw the two of them and imagined what the next headline would be . Instead , she snapped a picture and ran the following : " Trademarked company goes above and beyond : handling an offsite request for ice cream . " She posted that to the official blog , hoping that this wouldn 't be the last act of her career . The post went viral , and commentators were quick to rush to the Trademarked company 's defense . The Trademarked company 's stock , which had been plummeting , recovered . Law enforcement still surrounded the fast food franchise , but they all had the information on their cell phones before they all went in and escorted the character and the government official 's youngest daughter to safety . So the next time you go to the Trademarked park , look for the government officials ' children carrying Robbie the Robot dolls . The dolls have been programmed to take them on a little " pre - arranged " escape tour , where they go through a back door , end up behind the scenes , and are escorted to get ice cream by their favorite character . The original Robbie the Robot doll was confiscated by law enforcement , but had to be returned , unchanged , to the rental shop . The owner signed papers that he would never rent the original Robbie out again , but if you drive by his shop he has Robbie behind bulletproof glass in the window . Once upon a time Mr . Frederick Tingle was irate . Someone had left chewing gum on his favorite chair at Alfonso 's . The chair overlooked the square and had the perfect combination of morning sun without blinding you while you read about the world 's atrocities over a perfectly brewed cappuccino . Alfonso himself had offered to give Mr . Tingle the secret , but Frederick had blocked his ears and hummed the national anthem . After all , some of life 's secrets were meant to be kept . But now some gum - snapping bobbysoxer , smeared with too much makeup no doubt , had left her saliva and her gum on his chair . Doubtless she had enjoyed the hot chocolate , which was basically a chocolate bar melted into a cup , and imagined herself capable of the high refinement necessary for dining at Alfonso 's . Mr . Tingle contemplated using his pristine monogrammed handkerchief to remove the offending blemish . He certainly would not sit down on such a disdainful blot . But the concept of having to then launder out the offending matter troubled him . Frederick looked around for Alfonso or one of his obsequious minions , but none was in sight . If he did not sit promptly , then the whole rhythm of the morning would be thrown off . He could not enjoy a rushed cappuccino , not before a hard day of crunching numbers for his stately and well - regarded investment bond firm . With a sigh that only Christ on the Cross could have mimicked with any accuracy , Mr . Tingle moved forward one table and sat himself down with his neatly folded paper . Within three minutes , Alfonso himself would be there with his cappuccino . The dear man was likely already off brewing the secret concoction . Mr . Tingle smiled slightly at the thought . As he did so his gaze drifted upward to lock unexpectedly with the very blue eyes of a pale young woman at a table two removed from his own . Despite his haste to look away , the young woman broke eye contact first and blushed slightly . Mr . Tingle wondered at himself . He wasn 't given to staring at strangers , much less smiling at them . But he had been smiling when he stared brazenly at this young woman , enough to create embarrassment on her part . It was very out of character . Mr . Tingle kept to himself , never making any eye contact when he could help it . Certainly not with strangers , which invited intimacy in a large city . Unwanted intimacy that might encourage the riffraff to approach him for a loan of some kind . The type of loan that was never repaid and then further encouraged the requesting of further loans . Oh , no , Mr . Tingle was not given to looking at anyone if he could help it . He set his lip firmly against such trivial distractions . From the corner of his eye he caught the flicker of a glance from the young woman . Horrors ! Now she had seen him grimacing at himself . She must think him some sort of mad man , smiling at strangers and grimacing as if he needed to have a bowel movement in the middle of this elite coffee shop . Where was Alfonso with his cappuccino ? Mr . Tingle snapped open his paper , too loudly . He felt exposed in the morning sun , in a spotlight that caught every hair of his perfectly coiffed head . Was it perfectly coiffed ? Mr . Tingle had a momentary nervous tic . Perhaps his hair was standing straight up , a bizarre Mohawk or stray spike of hair waving in the breeze at this poor woman across from him . Without willing himself to , Mr . Tingle felt his hand drift upward to caress his hair . Knowing it was a terrible idea , he risked a glance at the young woman . She was studiously ignoring him , too studiously . He knew she was watching him in the reflection on the window , glancing nervously over her book . No matter . One couldn 't spend one 's time worried about strangers . Even ones with very blue eyes . Especially ones with very blue eyes . Mr . Tingle had made it a policy at a very early age to approach any possibility of dating with a prenuptial agreement , signed in triplicate with a notary witness . Thus far , this had the remarkable result of his never having had to deal with the fairer , if more flighty , sex . The cappuccino arrived . Mr . Tingle thanked Alfonso and told him about the offending gum . Alfonso shared his outrage and removed not only the gum , but the entire chair for cleaning . When Mr . Tingle turned back , satisfied , he caught another glance from the young woman . Not just a glance , a slight smile . This would not do . Mr . Tingle had only fifteen minutes before he was expected at the office . And that was a brisk walk of seven minutes , including one stop at a light which a conservative man like Mr . Tingle took into account . Sighing , Mr . Tingle reached into his immaculate briefcase and withdrew the manila envelope containing his prenuptial agreements . He stood resolutely and strode to the young woman 's table . " Excuse me , miss , " Mr . Tingle bowed as he always did . " We seem to have shared a bit of mutual interest , and before things go any further , I 'd like to present you with prenuptial agreements to be signed and notarized . " He had this part and the next memorized , so did not hear the young woman when she said : " Let me see them , please . " Mr . Tingle continued on . " No ? I thought not . I 'm sorry to trouble you miss , enjoy your day … What did you say ? " " I would like to see the agreements , please . " The young woman had her hand out for the manila envelope . She snapped out the agreements with a practiced hand and went down the first and second pages at an alarming rate . Either she was skimming or she had a very efficient reading ability . Mr . Tingle could not help being impressed by her thoroughness . She stopped on the third page and tsked to herself . " No , no , this simply won 't do . " " Here you state the clauses upon which termination is to be faultless on your part . But there is no equivalency part for me . Seems a bit one - sided , don 't you think ? " Mr . Tingle felt a bit at a loss . None of the other girls had ever read his agreements . Mostly he 'd gotten horrified looks . Once he 'd gotten a cheap sherry in the face , ruining a fairly expensive dinner jacket and the white shirt underneath . " You have no objection to my attorney looking this over ? " The young lady looked up at him over the agreement . " I think it might be workable with some minor alterations . We should be ready to proceed by next week . Next Tuesday , then , a bit earlier than this to allow for signing . I must go now , as it is eight minutes brisk walk to my work . " Without a word or a second glance , the young lady took the agreements in the envelope and walked out of Alfonso 's . Mr . Tingle had to gulp his cappuccino and leave more than the established tip to make it to his work precisely on time . He was in a bit of a daze , but put the matter from himself . Doubtless she was bluffing , and would not show at the allotted time . Mr . Tingle did up another set of his agreements for himself . One never knew when some floozy in public transport would start eyeing one up and down . The next Tuesday , Mr . Tingle did arrive early to Alfonso 's . He did not suppose the young lady would show up , but he was a precise man and this was what he had agreed upon . The young lady was there , along with an older gentleman . Both stood when Mr . Tingle arrived . " You must be Mr . Tingle ? " The older gentleman shook Mr . Tingle 's hand . Mr . Tingle was unsurprised , as all his basic information was included in the agreements . " I 'm Bartholomew Bench , and this is Ms . Katherine Sprinkle , my client . I 've taken the liberty of adding some language to the agreements , just here and here . " Mr . Tingle looked over the material and saw that they were simply equivalency clauses that , in fairness , should have been part of the original agreements . " It looks to be in order , " he said to Mr . Bench . " Are you certain ? " Mr . Bench looked carefully at him . " If you 'd like your attorney to look things over , we can arrange another meeting … " Ms . Katherine tsked . " When you work as an actuary as I do , Mr . Tingle , you realize there is always risk . We can only minimize it for our clients . " " Quite so , " Mr . Tingle bowed to her superior logic . " Shall we sign ? " Alfonso and two of his aproned minions witnessed the preliminary signatures and Mr . Bench left Mr . Tingle with two copies of the agreements , one for him and one for his attorney . Then the two were left to themselves . " I 've only two minutes , before I must begin my walk , " stated Ms . Sprinkle . " Quite so . " Said Mr . Tingle . " Tomorrow then ? " Said Ms . Sprinkle . Mr . Tingle bowed and she left . He sighed and got his cappuccino to go . Walking in the spring sunshine with his hot cappuccino held well away from his linen suit , Mr . Tingle felt something in his belly that had not been there before . Were these butterflies , then ? The fabled harbringers of personal joy ? He half - smiled at the thought and headed into the office . At the precise time , Mr . Tingle was at Alfonso 's . He had his paper , but was uncertain if he would even get to open it . Ms . Sprinkle was already there , drinking her coffee . He notice she took it black , without cream or sugar . " Mr . Tinkle . " Ms . Sprinkle inclined her head . " It 's Tingle , not Tinkle , " Said Mr . Tingle . " Oh , " Mr . Tingle saw Ms . Sprinkle blush slightly . " Forgive me , Mr . Tingle . I am unused to these flights of fancy . You are the first reasonable man I have ever met . " They looked at each other for a moment , each realizing the depth of the meaning behind their words . Mr . Tingle could see Ms . Sprinkle calculating the odds of finding another man like himself . In his mind he was weighing the probably futures of any other woman accepting his offer . Now that he had someone , it was suddenly possible that a whole range of possibilities he had given up on might come to pass . It felt as if he had found an entirely new bond market untapped by any other investor . The two of them exchanged quick questions . Children , parents , living situations , life expectancies , financial and social networks . By the time their allotted time was up and Ms . Sprinkle was standing and preparing to walk to her office , they had a very rough draft of what a life might look like together . By the next day both Mr . Tingle and Ms . Sprinkle had drawn up preliminary contracts . Within two weeks , they had a working document , and the next month they were married . The combination of household went smoothly and now the Tingles live on the upper - west side . Mr . Tingle is doing well , although he is prone to fits of unexplained smiling and occasional humming . Mrs . Tingle has been known to hug herself in the restroom and pinch herself to make sure she 's awake . Both are statistically likely to live between two and six months longer as a result of their matrimony . Little Jacob had never been around the grove of oak trees . He wasn 't supposed to leave the yard , and even going out onto the road was a whipping offense . A runaway cart or even one of those noisy , new automobiles could come rushing down at any moment and decapitate him just like he 'd seen uncle Jeb do to the old rooster when ma had got the new one in from town . Even though that chicken had been brown and smelled good , Jacob hadn 't been hungry that night . He just sat and stared at the one bit of feather that hadn 't gotten plucked and just sat there behind the old rooster 's wing . The old rooster had been a terror and Jacob hadn 't liked him at all , but it just felt wrong . Now whenever Jacob looked out on the road , he could see himself like the chicken , because uncle Jeb had told him that an automobile could just take his head clean off . Uncle Jeb had smiled when he said it , but Jacob had seen him smiling when he chewed on that old rooster with his big , square teeth , so he believed that Uncle Jeb might even think it was a good thing that Jacob was gone . Any time a car growled past the house after dark , Jacob would pull the covers over his head and block his ears , trying not to think of the chicken . Ma needed someone to take care of the farm , so she 'd advertised and Uncle Jeb had come to chip in . There was something disreputable about Uncle Jeb , because Jacob had seen people at church eyeing Uncle Jeb with anger and disgust . Even uncle Jeb noticed , because they stopped going to church . Jacob wasn 't old enough for school , so without church he might go weeks without seeing another child to play with . Uncle Jeb wanted to help Jacob out , but ma had told him straight out that he was a hired man and that was all there was to it . And she certainly wouldn 't disgrace the memory of her husband with a shirker . Jacob wasn 't sure what any of that meant , but he thought ma had sounded really angry , and he 'd heard Uncle Jeb stomp off to the barn and slam the door after that . It wasn 't long after that Jacob saw Uncle Jeb buy liquor . Uncle Jeb had gone out to get meal for the cows , and when he came back , Jacob had seen him with another burlap sack that Uncle Jeb hid under the straw at the back of the barn . When Jacob dug it out and uncorked it , it smelled strong and bad like vinegar . He remembered the minister talking about demon liquor , and knew this had to be it . Then came the night that ma shouted at Uncle Jeb again . Said she 'd run him off the place if he didn 't mind his manners . Jacob heard Uncle Jeb slam out of the house , and his mother go up to bed . He was already up in his room , but he watched out the window as Uncle Jeb made straight for the barn . When Uncle Jeb came out of the barn , he was drinking from the jug and staring up at the house . It gave Jacob the shivers , that stare . He 'd seen a cornered garter snake stare at him like that just before it went for his big toe . Jacob got on his clothes real quiet - like . He crept down the stairs . Ma had already checked in on him , and Jacob had done the heavy , slow breathing she liked to see when she came in to tousle his hair . Jacob really liked it when she 'd whisper : " Just like your father , " to him while she thought he was sleeping . He wished she 'd sing to him like she 'd used to , but she hadn 't sung a note since she got the letter from the U . S . army telling her that pa wasn 't coming home . Ma was praying softly in her bed , or maybe she was talking softly to pa , which Jacob had heard her do more ' n once when she didn 't think he was around . Jacob crept past her door along the edge of the banister where the creaking boards were only every other one . Then he crawled down the stairs , because you couldn 't put too much weight on any step or it would groan like a ghost . Jacob went out the back door , because the front door was partially visible from the barn , and he didn 't want Uncle Jeb seeing him . Uncle Jeb had most of a bottle to get through , but Jacob was sure something bad would happen when he finished it . There wasn 't anything Jacob could do himself , because he wasn 't even big enough to hold pa 's shotgun even if he could get to it hung over the mantelpiece . And he knew ma kept it unloaded and the shells up in her room because she was afraid Jacob somehow would get hold of the gun and do something foolish like look down the barrel . Jacob took a deep breath . Even knowing it was needful , it was a dreadful thing to tread out on that road . At any moment he feared he 'd be run down . Jacob listened as hard as he could . He could hear the crickets , and even around the barn when Uncle Jeb swallowed and spat . But he didn 't hear any terrible runaway cart or automobile . But Jacob reasoned he 'd best run along the side of the road in the grass to muffle his footsteps just the same . The distance from the house to the grove seemed to stretch on - and - on . Jacob was out of breath by the time he reached the grove , sucking wind . He looked back at the barn . On the other side of the grove was no man 's land . They went the other way to the church or to town . Jacob thought for certain there was a runaway cart just waiting on the other side of the trees , waiting to crush him as soon as he ventured out . But the brush under the trees was too thick to avoid the road . Jacob was afraid that Uncle Jeb would hear him trying to get through and maybe come hunting for him if he made any noise . So Jacob stuck one foot and then the other out onto the muddy road . He held his breath as he started to run . Maybe if he ran silently and didn 't even breathe the cart wouldn 't hear him coming . Jacob rounded the bend of the road and saw the Jersey place . It was right there , just on the other side of the grove . Suddenly Jacob could see his house and the Jersey house on a map in his mind , like he 'd drawn in the bend and filled in the Jersey house . Even as his lungs cried out for air he pumped himself faster and felt a sense of elation . Ed Jersey and his brother Jerome were both smoking on the porch . They looked surprised to see Jacob and more surprised to see him so out of breath and panting . It took Jacob a minute to catch his breath , and then he realized he didn 't know what to tell the brothers . They bent down to listen to him , their beards almost touching and the smoke from their pipes drifting up like silver steam in the moonlight . Jacob finally gasped out a few words : " Uncle Jeb … liquor … ma . " Ed Jersey got a really hard look on his face and told Jerome to get the guns . He took Jacob by the hand and told him to come inside and to wait by the fire . Jacob did as he was told , but as soon as the two old men were out of the house he 'd opened the door behind them and slipped out . He thought Ed might have seen him , but the old men were moving as quickly as they could down the road . Jacob followed them at a distance . Behind him , he heard a grumbling growl , and saw something light in the distance . It was an automobile or a runaway cart ! Jacob took off as if his life depended on it . He passed the startled old men at a dead run just as the lights crested the far hill and started shining down on him . Nothing reasonable came to Jacob 's head . He knew that the only safe place was his bed , and his only chance to saving himself was to get there before the automobile caught him . Jacob paid no mind to the old men behind him , hearing only the increasing growl of the automobile as it prowled closer . He sprinted up the front steps and banged open the door . Even taking the steps two at a time didn 't seem fast enough . Jacob pushed right past Uncle Jeb where he struggled with ma and dove into his bed just as he heard the car growl past . He was shaking . In the hallway Ed Jersey was talking loudly to Uncle Jeb . Uncle Jeb was swearing a fair amount , and Jacob wanted to block his ears . Then both men were shouting and Jacob heard his ma swear , which he couldn 't believe at all . He heard more scuffling , and a yell , and then a crash as something hit the floor . Ed Jersey and his brother were both yelling again , but Uncle Jeb was growling like the car outside . Two guns went off . Things got really quiet after that . Jacob heard what had happened when ma told the minister . Uncle Jeb had threatened her with a kitchen knife , so she had kicked him so hard he 'd gone over the banister . When he got up he 'd gone for the Jersey boys , and they 'd had to blow him away . When Jacob started school in the fall , he was something of a hero . He knew the other children looked at him funny , but he didn 't realize that the local paper had covered him in the news story . Then the teacher compared Jacob 's run to Paul Revere 's run to save the founding fathers . Some of the other boys took to calling him Paul Revere , which suited Jacob fine . It helped him whenever a car went by the house at night , growling . Jacob would pull the covers up to his chin , but didn 't need to pull them over his head like he 'd done before . |
There were other risks , too . He didn 't know specifically what particular mood altering substance she was going to be asking for , so there was an issue of discovery there , too . Ultimately , he figured that she 'd use whatever she apparently got . If she didn 't , well , that was just how it was going to be . He took some care in what he was going to give her . His first thought was that he was going to try and give her an overdose , so that it would like an accidental death . Pretty everyone on Hollywood expected her to go that way anyhow , so the odds were good no one would ever know there was a murder , much less track it back to him . There were two problems with that , though , one practical and the other more … philosophical . The practical aspect was that there 's no particularly good way to guarantee some is going to OD unless you 're there to actually give them way more of their drug of choice than they were intending to take . He wouldn 't be , so that was out . But even more than with the practical considerations , Johnny found that he didn 't want this to go down as just another tragic drug related death . He wanted people to know what had happened , to know that she was dead not because she did something foolish to herself , but because someone had decided that she needed to die . He wanted people to know and understand . He needed it . What he ultimately decided on was rat poison . There were , he discovered , a whole range of rat poisons available , with a range of effects . The most common versions , he found , were actually anticoagulants that caused death by internal bleeding . Rats are , as small vermin go , pretty sharp . They will sample something to see if it tastes bad or makes them sick before going on to eat the rest of it . Because of this , rat poison needed to be tasteless and odorless which , as it happened , was perfect for what Johnny had in mind . Johnny knew that the Starlet tended towards coke , and she often did it while she was out dancing at the clubs . He was a doctor and had never played one on television , butPosted by It 's Monday , so it 's time for the Monday UpdateThis Week : The Tragic Death of Young Celebrities completes . More young Hollywood dies horribly . Messengers continues . Upcoming : Returning the Puncher universe for a couple of stories . The Future : I 'm rebooting Until Dawn under it 's possibly final name , Red Teeth . This is more than just a name change - I was trying out writing without outlining , and the results were mixed . So I 've plotted out the whole story . What this means is that a good chunk of what is already written will make it in , but there are going to be some fairly substanial changes as well . What this means for you is that if you 've been reading along , you 're going to see some stuff again . Amusingly , a lot of the changes are going back to what I really intended to do to begin with and kind of wandered away from . Should make for faster writing . While this was an opportunity for Johnny , it created certain problems , too . The Starlet had been on nearly perpetual probation for the last few years , which meant that she was subject to random piss tests . She had somehow managed to pass them so far , which Johnny was pretty sure involved some kind of urine swapping , but he couldn 't count on that forever . He was able to follow Polly , the assistant , by putting away the camera and taking off the baseball cap and sunglasses . Out of context , with his completely non descript features , she never realized he was behind her . He found that charming , somehow . She was always worried about being followed but incapable of realizing when she actually was . The actual handover of the drugs was pretty clever as well , at least from Johnny 's point of view . What Polly appeared to be doing was buying a specific kind of very high end cigarette from a specialty shop . Nothing suspicious about that ; cigarettes were way , way down on the list , somewhere after trysts with strangely androgynous DJs . Johnny wasn 't sure what was actually in those cigarettes , but it certainly wasn 't tobacco . Johnny was sporting the baseball cap and sunglasses again when he went to the shop and ordered a pack of the cigarettes for himself . He was actually surprised when the man at the counter actually sold him a pack , although they were ludicrously , ridiculously expensive , something that actually made his disgust for the Starlet flare a little more . The cigarettes came in a plain black box , and the cigarettes themselves were a shiny black . He had to admit , they looked cool . Not enough to justify the price he paid for them , but cool nonetheless . They were not , as far as Johnny could tell , filled with tobacco . They weren 't filled with drugs , either , but some kind of clove mixture . Johnny smoked one with a certain amount of trepidation , hoping like hell that he wasn 't smoking crystal meth or enough coke to kill an elephant on Quaaludes . He coughed a bit , but his heart kept beating and he didn 't feel liPosted by Unfortunately , this was a whole different animal than the so called celebrity of the reality girl . The starlet was legitimately famous , and her every move was watched by the paparazzi , not to mention her own security staff . The chances of him being able to get her on a rooftop and push her over the edge were probably pretty slim . The upshot was that following her was pretty easy . She was used to being followed by photographers , and the photographers themselves switched and changed from day to day . He didn 't have a lot of time to track her , not as much as he wanted , but all it took was a camera and a baseball cap . The surveillance actually made him all the more certain about what he was going to do . She was continually rude and abrasive towards the photographers that were the main engine of her fame , and at least half the time , possibly more , she was high on something . He was disgusted by her in the abstract , but he was repulsed by her in the flesh . He had to fight the urge to push her into traffic . The problem was that he wanted to kill her , he needed to kill her , but he had no intention of going to prison to do it . He had a calling , and he wasn 't going to be able to answer it if he went to jail . This meant that if he was going to kill her , he needed to be able to do it in a way that couldn 't obviously be connected to him . This was not as easy as a thousand mystery novels and police procedural shows would make you think , but Johnny was patient . He even actually managed to make some money when the Starlet spit water directly into his camera . So it wasn 't all bad . It took about six months for Johnny to find his opening , and it was the absolutely perfect opening . Hypothetically , the Starlet was clean and sober after her fourth , maybe fifth trip through rehab . The key word there was hypothetically . In reality , she 'd started using a whole range of drugs again , at all times of day . Now , the Starlet being , well , a starlet , she didn 't hit some shmo on the corner to get her stuff . It took Johnny a while to figPosted by He expected to be recognized and questioned . He spent the days after the tragic death , as the news was calling it , thinking that every phonecall was going to be the police . Every knock at the door was nearly enough to give him a heart attack . But nothing happened . He watched the news , read the website and heard about it on Twitter and Facebook , but none of it involved him . There was some talk of the mystery man that was with her right before she died , but the pictures people at the club had taken were vague at best . Johnny 's generically handsome looks were enough to keep him safe . After a couple of weeks , this worked on his nerves . He didn 't think that there was any chance of him being arrested for it . There was nobody up there except them , no cameras , no witnesses , and it really had been an accident . But nobody knew but him , and that started to work on him . Part of it was the constant attention on the girl . She had died a terrible stupid death , which was appropriate for a terrible , stupid girl , but from the media coverage of the " tragedy " you would have thought it was the second death of Mother Theresa . There were wall to wall interview with friends and castmates and in death , she was more popular and famous than she had been in life . Probably by a factor of magnitude . Whereas Johnny , who 'd been the one who actually killed her was still no one . Which was why he decided to do it again . He wasn 't sure , exactly , when he decided . There was no sudden moment of malevolent inspiration , no devil on his shoulder . He was simply watching the news , months after the first killing , where they were covering the last fuck up by a starlet who was more famous for her drug use and her constant trips in and out of jail than she was for any of the movies she 'd done . If anything , she actually pissed Johnny off more than the reality television show star . The starlet actually had talent , and she 'd probably should and could be famous for something other than being a mess . She 'd had every opportunity in the world and shJustin Em didn 't even bother to pull his blazer off the road . He just stopped and hopped . There was no one coming tonight , anyway . Jim 's squad car was sitting at the bottom of Pritchard 's lane . Em looked at the gate . Locked . No sign of the ambulance either , which wasn 't much of a surprise . He figured Jim had to hoof it up the Pritchard 's to unlock the gate . He stood there in the snow for a moment , trying to decide . He didn 't see much point in walking up there himself . Jim could handle that stuff on his own . Em got back in the blazer and drove up the road to the Defibaugh place . They didn 't bother with locking up their driveway , which was some small relief . He just had to hope that the Blazer could get up there without getting stuck . The radio in the truck didn 't work either , which worried Em . Out here , without any way to call for help , that could get a person into a bad situation . Especially when he had no idea what he was going to find at the end of the driveway . Darkness , mostly . The house looked quiet and still in the light of Em 's headlights . He left them on as he walked to the house . He looked up at the sky , tried to see the moon . Nothing but grey . The house was empty . The house was a wreck . The backdoor was smashed , the snow flowing in . Blood was splattered everywhere that Em could see . He shivered , and not from the cold . Something bad happened here . " Ed ? " he called . The house was spacious enough , a new construction by Ed and Becky to replace the old farmhouse after they inherited the land , but there weren 't a lot of rooms . Emm was able to search in the place in the space of a few minutes . He tried the phone . Dead as the rest of the house . He looked at the broken door . He could see tracks still , faint depressions in the snow outside , leading out to the Defibaugh 's barn . He knew where Becky had gone , but he needed to figure out where Ed was , and whether he was hurting or if he was the one that had done the hurting . Emm stood in the doorway . He knew that he probably shouldn 't , that he ougJustin Jim heaved , twisting , and the man crashed hard into the granite counter top . His fingers slipped loose . Bud slipped , hit the floor hard . He jumped at Jim again so hard and so fast that it seemed like he was on springs . Jim ducked hard and then heaved up . His shoulders caught Bud in the stomach . Bud did an unplanned back flip , landed hard on the back of his neck . The kitchen tile broke . Jim went to his knees and slid . He got the gun and turned as Bud came scrabbling at him . He pulled the trigger and blood sprayed off of Bud 's shoulder and then he was on him . Jim kept pulling the trigger . Bud tore at his face . He pushed the gun into Bud 's hips , shot him again . He could feel the shock of the impact but Bud wouldn 't stop . Jim dropped the gun , got both hands on Bud 's neck and squeezed . Bud pushed into it , trying to get to Jim 's face , snapping at his hands . He was stronger than he should have been , than he could have been . Blood dripped down into Jim 's face , into his mouth . He kept squeezing . He could feel Bud getting weaker . The less Bud struggled , the harder Jim pressed with his hands . He twisted and they rolled . He kept his grip , slammed Bud 's head into the tile . He did it again . He felt Bud go limp in his hands . He didn 't let go . He wouldn 't let go . He smashed the man 's head again . He thought , for a second , about ripping the fucker 's throat out with his teeth . He stopped . The world snapped back into focus for Jim Sykes . He looked at Bud 's shattered skull . At his blood soaked hands . All he could hear was the sound of his own breathing . He threw up before he passed out . There was no warning . Becky moved fast , faster than he could move and she slammed into him . She wasn 't a big woman but the force of it drove Jim down to the floor . Her jaws snapped his face and the flashlight went spinning away . He could see her in snarling strobes and he had his arm between them . She almost bit his nose , teeth coming together hard enough that Jim was sure that some broke . She clawed at him and he pushed hard , throwing her off of him . He scrambled back on his elbows , loosing traction in the blood . He didn 't remember drawing his gun but he lined up the site as Becky came for him again . He pulled the trigger until the slide locked . Becky 's chest was ruin of red and she dropped onto his legs . He could hear his pulse pounding in his ears . His hands trembled . He dropped the clip from the gun and fumbled for another . He slid it in and listened . Tried to calm his breathing . He grabbed for the flashlight . He pushed Becky off of him , her body flopping bonelessly on the floor . He shined the light at Cassie but Bud was gone . He whipped the flashlight around , searching . The kitchen was empty except for Jim and the dead . Jim couldn 't stop his hands from shaking . He felt like he was going to pass out , but he forced himself to move . He stood up and looked for Bud , saw the trail of blood leading into the darkness . He knelt by Cassie , and looked down at her . He pinched the flashlight between his cheek and shoulder , felt for a pulse . She was already cold and clammy . He thought he felt a flutter of a pulse , but he couldn 't believe that anyone could take that much damage and survive . He tried the phone . Nothing . Fuck . He wondered if the ambulance was down at the bottom of the lane . He wondered if Em or anyone else was coming and he realized that he wasn 't thinking straight . He needed to find where the fuck Bud Pritchard was and he needed to get the fuck out of here . The first person resolved itself as Bud came out of the dark , suddenly , leaping . Jim fired two shots but Bud was there and Jim swung the heaPosted by He knocked on the door , felt the prickle at the back of his neck as the cameras focused on him . He wondered if it 'd be Heckle or Jeckle who answered the door . The door opened and the youngish goon smiled . Heckle . " Good evening , Mr . Wollenski . " Jimmy tried to slow down his heart . Tried to maintain . He smiled and hoped it looked real . " Hiya , Edward . " " You know I can 't let you in here with that . " Jimmy smiled , thought about putting a round in the middle of that oily forehead . Ten years ago , maybe . These days , he didn 't have the stamina to run around the house looking for Johnny . He gave Heckle the gun . He tucked into his belt , insincere smile getting even bigger and more insincere . Johnny and Jeckle were waiting in the office . Jeckle flashed him a brief smile , fell in beside him when he entered . Bookended by Heckle and Jeckle , Jimmy strained to smile . He felt the pain in his arm , felt his ribs going tight . Figured he didn 't have much time . Johnny was one of those people the years had worked over like sand paper , smoothed down , his seamless skin pulled tight to his skull . He looked better than Jimmy but , considering , that wasn 't any surprise . He smiled a smile from the grave . " Jimmy . " " Johnny . " " You look like shit , " he said , and grinned . Johnny couldn 't help it . He wiped sweat away from his forehead and laughed . " Well , fuck , John , don 't sugar coat . " " Your heart ? " " Yeah , it 's jus about ready to give out . Like my Pop . " " I 'm sorry to hear that . " Which was bullshit , anyway . Heckle was left handed , and he made the mistake of standing off to Jimmy 's right . Jeckle was standing too damn close , too , a mistake neither one of them would have made if Jimmy were a younger man . John picked up a cigar and began to light it . It was meant to intimidate , and Jimmy almost smiled at that . As if he could be intimidated . But it was an opportunity , and as Johnny looked at the flame and brought it close to the rope , things began to happen . Jimmy grabbed at the gun in Heckle 's croJustin So , this week we 've got : The Tragic Deaths of Young Celebrities - Exactly what it says on the tin , for a given value of tragic and celebrity . Ticker - Old goon takes on former boss and best friend . Hey it 's not ALL horror here at the house of hyperpulp . Messengers - Okay , yes , maybe I am juggling too many stories . Until Dawn - Continues . We 're getting towards the end of what is roughly act one . He waited for his hands to stop trembling before he finished cleaning the gun . He wiped his sweaty palms on his shirt , went back to wiping the . 45 . He 'd had it forever , and he 'd been meticulous about its care . It was forty years old and might last another hundred . Unlike him . He didn 't figure he 'd get a chance to use it this time . Johnny , well , he 'd been pretty cautious as a young man and old age had left him careful edging into paranoid . Jimmy was counting on it . Still , cleaning the gun , the steady rhythm of something he 'd done a hundred hundred times calmed the pounding his chest down . No use waiting . He stood up and shrugged on a shirt , looked at himself in the mirror . He was an old man , maybe , but his hair was still thick and his shoulder were still door frame wide . He looked pretty good , if you didn 't look at the tremble in his hands or the shadows under his eyes . Don 't look at that , and he still looked pretty good . He tucked the gun into his waistband . Careless , probably , but he didn 't figure it mattered much at this point , if it mattered at all . The doctors had talked about surgery , about drugs , but he knew . He 'd watched his father , oxygen pumped through his nose , lips blue , hands weak . He watched him in that bed and swore it 'd never be him . But time rolls over everyone . The doctors said he could keep going , said that a transplant wasn 't ruled out . But he knew better . He knew if he went that way , he 'd go that way . He didn 't have a son , he didn 't have anybody but Johnny . Him and Johnny had come up together , pulling kid 's shit when they were kids . Jimmy had spent ten years in change in the crotch , shooting people he didn 't know for reasons he didn 't understand in miserable shitholes . He 'd loved it . He got back home , he didn 't have any real prospects . He 'd done the steel mill , like his Dad , but he couldn 't take foreman hovering over him , breathing down his neck . Johnny 'd been doing okay , so he gave Jimmy a job . Double J , just like when they were kids . It wasn 't Justin It almost worked . They snuck away from the crowd and slid through an exit door . The door should have had an alarm on it , but one of the bartenders at this particular club had told him that the door to the roof had the alarm switched off so that the staff could go up there and smoke whatever smokable substances they happened to have on hand . When the strobe lights went off , they went up the stairs . Honestly , it was easier than he thought it would be . " Did you ever fuck a star ? " she said . Always classy . " No , ' he said , and pulled her shirt over her head , " and I 'm not about to start now . " She tried to focus on him , eyes bleary and almost rotating in opposite directions . Johnny wasn 't sure that he had ever seen anyone that drunk and still standing . He hoped there weren 't any sparks , because he was pretty sure the alcohol on her breath would go up easy . He had a moment then , when he almost stopped . She was standing there , naked on a rooftop , her vagina tattooed with flames , something he didn 't know from seeing her on television . He thought she was just about the saddest thing he 'd ever seen , and she looked like a little girl . " So are you going to fuck me or what , asshole ? " she said , which broke the spell . He smiled at her and picked up her clothes . " Yeah , " he said , " I 'm going to fuck you . " That was where it all went wrong or , as Johnny would come to think of it , where it all went right . She realized , despite her alcoholic haze , what he was doing as he chucked her stuff over the side . Even then , if he hadn 't grabbed her shoes , things would have went a lot differently . " Not the Jimmy Choo 's ! " she screamed , as the high priced shoes went over the edge . She dived for them , grabbing , and went right over the edge . Johnny tried to grab her , but she was over the edge and falling . As she fell , their eyes met and Johnny was pretty sure that she didn 't understand what was happening to her even as it happened to her . The fall was four stories , and it might have been survivable in other Posted by The first time Johnny Getz killed a celebrity , it was a complete accident . She was , as famous people go , not all that famous . She was one of the dubious stars of a reality show devoted to young people being obnoxious drunks , but she wasn 't one that would necessarily get recognized out of that context . Without the cameras following her around she was indistinguishable from any other over tanned , under dressed twentysomething . Even on her own show , she was mostly there as filler . She wasn 't as pretty in person . This was the first thing that Johnny thought when he recognized her at the bar . On television , she wasn 't his type , he didn 't go in for the fake and bake look , but she was definitely attractive . In person she still was , but close up you could see the bad skin from too much make up and the way that night after night of corporate sponsored binge drinking had given her a kind of bloat , like her flesh wasn 't really attached to her bones . Of course , the fact that she was throwing up in a potted plant at the back of the bar when he first spotted her wasn 't really doing her any favors either . Johnny had no intention , when he saw her there wiping vomit from her hair , of killing her . What he was after then was a lot simpler than that . Humiliation . Johnny Getz was twenty three at the time , medium tall , medium build and medium good looking . He was well liked by his friends , had done well at school and had developed a fairly significant hatred for the concept of celebrity . Aside from the hate , he was almost entirely unremarkable , which was , in fact , exactly where the hate had come from . He was seven months out of college when he saw her , and he hadn 't been able to find a job in his field . He probably shouldn 't have been out at the bar , considering that his jobs at a used bookstore and as a bartender didn 't really pay the bills all that well . But here was this girl , whose only discernable talent was a complete and total lack of shame , making ten times what he would even if he were able to get a damn jobPosted by He knew that no car had gone out . Aside from the cable being across the road , there were no tire tracks . He swung the flashlight to the left . The cars were there , covered in snow . They were here . There should be lights . He felt eyes on him again . He shrugged it off , but he hitched his coat up over his gun and unbuttoned the latch . Jim knocked on the door . The house was old , at least early nineteen hundreds . This had been a farm once , before the Pritchards had moved in , and the house was large and looming . He pounded on the door with his fist , trying to make as much noise as he could . " Police ! " No answer . He stopped and listened . He thought he heard movement inside . He walked over to one of the windows and looked in . He thought he saw something move , chased it with the flashlight beam . He couldn 't find it again . The front door was locked . He walked around back . There was a big deck around back , a new addition to the house . He could see the faint remains of footprints , he tracked them with the flashlight beam across the yard and into the woods . The Defibaugh house was over that hill , but it would be a hell of a hike in the dark woods even without the storm . He stepped onto the deck and shined the light at the backdoor . There was a bloody handprint on the glass . " Shit . " He pulled his gun . Nothing about this felt right . He pushed the door inside with the flashlight . There was a black stain on the floor . He knew that it wasn 't really black , that blood in the dark looked that way . There was too much of it . Jim knew that the amount of spilled liquid could be deceptive . He 'd seen some one spill a pint of milk once and had the thought that , if that were blood , he 'd have thought the person bleeding was dead . The kitchen smelled like copper , and he suddenly felt hot . He swallowed hard . He could hear his heart pounding in his chest as he stepped inside . He could hear a wet ripping sound on the other side of the island . He couldn 't see past it . He didn 't want to step around it , but he did anyway . He shinedPosted by Jim locked at the lock . It was huge , sturdy , and probably completely indestructible . Even if he had a bolt cutter , which the piece of shit police car didn 't have , he wouldn 't be able to get it off . He couldn 't shoot it off , even if he felt like getting fired for improper use of his firearm . " Well , shit , " he said . He trudged back into the car and got inside , tried to get Nellie on the radio . Nothing . He tried the other channels . Nothing . He smacked the thing a couple of times with the flat or his hand . Percussive maintenance . Still nothing . He stared at the cable across the lane , and gave some brief thought to just ramming it with the car , but there was the matter of getting fired , although he figured that Emm might actually be glad to get rid one of these cheap ass pieces of shit they called police cars . He shut off the car and stepped out into the snow . He zipped his jacket up the whole way and clicked on his flashlight and began walking up the lane . He wasn 't what you would call especially happy about the whole thing , and halfway up the lane he was starting to puff . Shit . He was too young to be out of breath walking up the hill , but he 'd been a two pack a day smoker since he was sixteen and , these days , was carrying around thirty pounds more than he ought to have been . He stopped for a second , standing under a tree to keep some of the snow off of him . He realized that he 'd automatically started to reach for a cigarette and had the pack half way out of his pocket before he stopped himself . He was taken , very suddenly , by the feeling that he was being watched . He stood up straight and turned around , swinging the flashlight in a circle around him . He didn 't see anything , but then , there wasn 't much of anything to see . He shrugged it off and started walking up the hill . Jim shrugged his shoulders against the snow and trudged on . The air around him felt wrong . He couldn 't quite explain it . He was close to forty years old and he swore at himself for getting creeped out by being alone in the darkPosted by Crystal Johnson and Travis Frankenberry answered the call . They were actually the only people who made it to the fire hall to answer the 911 call from Cassie Pritchard . Travis was the driver , and Crystal was the EMT on call . They were volunteers , as were virtually all rescue services in the area . This did not mean that they were especially happy about being called out . Travis crouched over the wheel , face close to the glass , his skinny shoulders making him look like a vulture . He was calm enough , but he was frowning . He drove a dump truck for a living , but that was almost entirely summer work , so he almost always out for any emergency calls in the winter . He had plenty of experience driving in wintery conditions , but this was ridiculous . He 'd been reading the newest Konrath book while Crystal watched Sportscenter when the call came in , and both of them were hoping that there wouldn 't be any calls . That was wishful thinking . Despite the fact that it was Pennsylvania and it snowed every winter , people seemed to have an amazing ability to forget how to actually drive on snow from one winter to the next . As a result , every time there was a good snow , and a lot of times when there was just a so so snow , people managed to wrap their cars around trees and other assorted pieces of the landscape . This particular snow was unexpected , which meant that the number of people thinking that it was okay to speed while they were on unplowed roads was probably going to be higher than usual . Which was why Crystal and Travis , who didn 't really have anything else to do , were waiting at the fire hall and hoping that they wouldn 't actually be needed . They weren 't . At least , not for a car accident , as of yet . Crystal could see why ; you would need to completely nuts to be out in this willingly . Travis was white knuckling it and she wasn 't sure how he actually new where the road was . " Willpower , " was his answer . " Well , that 's reassuring . " He shrugged . Crystal shrugged her coat around her . She was wearing about fifteenPosted by " There 's something going over near Orchard Ridge , " Nellie said . " What happened ? " " Cassie Pritchard called 911 a couple of minutes ago . Becky Defibaugh showed up at their house covered in blood . " " Shoot . What happened ? " " Cassie didn 't know . I told Jim to head out that way and check it out . Ambulance is on the way , too . " " Why didn 't you get me on the radio ? " " Tried . Couldn 't . " Em swore under his breath and walked over to the radio set . He picked up the mike and tried to get Jim Sykes , one of his officers . Nothing . He flicked through the channels , trying to get him . Or anyone . Nothing but static . He looked at Nellie . She shrugged . " The snow , maybe ? " she said . " It shouldn 't . " Em looked at Coyle , sprawled out and placid in the chair . He should take care of that , first . But he never was a big fan of paperwork . He grabbed his coat off of the rack , put his hat back on his head . " I 'm heading over . " " Jim can handle it . " " I know that . " " Uh huh ? " " Damn it Nellie , I 'm the chief . " She crossed her arms over her chest . Em had the distinct feeling that she was resisting the urge to tap her foot . Emmerson Swift was , as bosses went , a pretty good boss . Everyone liked him including , semi miraculously , the town council , and he was as fair as he could be . If he had a flaw as a boss , it was the inability to delegate . " What ? " " Jim can handle it . " Em frowned , and hesitated . " I 'm going . If you want to help me delegate , you can help Mr . Coyle with his paperwork . " Emmerson Swift stepped out into the storm . Note : Short update today . Nellie Gracie was just hanging up the phone when Emm came in and stomped the snow off his boots in the police station . Nellie was a police officer , and she actually insisted on wearing the uniform , but her job wasn 't to go out and snag criminals , such as they were in Stonebury . Her role was a lot more important than that . She was a sturdy woman of indeterminate age , the kind of ageless country woman that you got around here . Her hair was jet black , but whether that was nature or nuture was a matter of some debate . She had an easy smile and the ability to wither a man 's soul by staring over the tops of her glasses . Which she frequently did . She was doing it now , because Emmerson Swift was making a hell of a mess . " Don 't look at me like that , what was a I supposed to do ? " he said . " Is that Johnny Mattingly ? " Mattingly was slung over Em 's shoulder like a sack of grain . If it was any strain to Em , it didn 't show . " Is he dead ? " Em shrugged a shoulder and Mattingly snorted . " Nope . " Nellie got up . " Maybe next time . Be careful , the floor is liable to be slippy . Snow damn fool got snow all over the place . " Cameron Coyle stepped in the door , snow gusting in behind him , and he got the full weight of the Nellie stare . He returned it without a blink . " Nellie , this is Mr . Coyle . Mattingly managed to wreck his car , so he 's going to be weathering the storm with us . " Nellie gave him the once over as she opened the door to the holding cell . Em stepped in and dropped Mattingly on the bed . He kept snoring . Em shook his head . Nellie locked the cell door on him . The police station was not what you would call a high security operation . It was about ninety percent an office , and it had once been the senior citizen 's center before they got a big grant . It had a holding cell , one that had been installed at fair cost to the town . It didn 't get used much . Most of the real policing was left to the staties , but Em did find it was useful to have some place to keep the drunks for the night . Especially on Posted by Bud spit the cereal back into the bowl . He wiped at his mouth and picked up the milk container . He spit again , trying to get the taste out of his mouth . " Oh god . Eggh . " " What ? " He looked at the date on the milk . " It 's sour . " " What ? I just bought it . " " I know . It 's not set to expire for a week . " Cassie frowned as she walked in the kitchen . Bud was still trying to spit the sour milk taste out of his mouth . He 'd never actually tasted sour milk before . It was aptly named and he thought he might have to gargle to get rid of it . Possibly with bleach . " Did you check the fridge ? " she said . " Not yet , I 'm trying not to vomit . " " It 's not that bad . " " You try it . " She pushed the milk container away , her face scrunching up in an impressively ugly way for a pretty woman . " Pass . " She stuck her hand in the fridge . The big metal thing was brand new , not even six months old , and Bud had paid less for cars . It had better not be on the blink or he was going to be pissed . He dumped the remainder of the milk down the drain . " Fridge is fine , " she said . " Well , that 's something . I 'll talk to Linda down at the store , make sure she knows . " " Yeah , that - wait , don 't . " He dumped the cereal in the garbage . He stopped dead , spoon and bowl over the garbage . " What ? " " You just dumped sour milk in the garbage . " " Ummm … " She rolled her eyes . " As soon as it gets warm , it 's going to start to smell . " " I think I can scoop it out . " He started to lean forward but he could actually feel her staring at him . He looked at her . She put a hand on her hip and raised an eyebrow . " Really . " " Maybe I should take the garbage out . " " Maybe you should . " He looked out the window . Pretty much a solid sheet of snow . Terrific . He looked at his wife . Nope , she was definitely not going to let him out of it . You could probably perform surgery or make microchips in the house . Cassie 's primary hobby seemed to be cleaning , and she had an eye for dirt that was , as far as Bud Posted by The US government was the first to have something to say about the issue , and they almost immediately decried it as act of terrorism . It didn 't last long . It became pretty clear that no human agency could be responsible for it . The messages appeared in every medium that wasn 't direct person to person communication . They didn 't appear all the time , but they appeared on DVD 's , in emails , in newspaper prints , and during phone calls . There was no discernable pattern to when they appeared . They were apparently personal to the people that received them . In the case of printed matter , this again raised the question of causality . The messages were imprinted at the time of creation , so how did they end up in the hands of people they were relevant to ? The governments of the world , for their part , realized with impressive speed that if they could sort through the deluge of information , there were plenty of tasty morsels of intelligence there . The angels were not concerned with national security . The US government retrofitted their Echelon system , which monitored communications in the US more or less covertly , to record these messages . Of course , there were also messages encoded in Echelon 's output as well , which made things recursively complicated . Some governments tried to clamp down on them . China immediately denounced them and hit their version of an internet kill switch . It didn 't help . However the angels did what they did , it didn 't matter whether or you were connected to the outside world . If you plugged in a computer and set it to create random numbers , it would eventually throw a message . Unsurprisingly , the messages started a war . There was , of course , the matter of causality , to say nothing of the theological implications of the whole thing . The first angel called Dylan Hobble at 8 : 34 on a Saturday morning , and told him that his dead wife had been planning to divorce him when she died . It left this message on his voice mail , which it made it the first case that could be authenticated . Whether it was really the first message was a matter of some debate . It would probably remain so unless the angels themselves decided to clarify the issue , which they might , eventually . * * * Dylan looked at the emails in his inbox and sighed . It wasn 't that he wasn 't interested in what people had to say , because he was , but ever since his name had gotten out he could never actually sort through everything that people had to say . He need a team of people , and he wouldn 't know what to tell them to look for . What people sent him were messages from the angels . Dylan himself had the dubious and uncertain distinction of being the first person that they sent a message to , at least as far as anybody could tell . He himself knew for a fact that the first message to him wasn 't the first message , but this was knowledge that he shared only with the angels . HhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggjhlkjhHe couldn 't decide what to do with the emails , so he did nothing with them . He closed the browser and thought about what he was going to do with his day . Well , no , that wasn 't strictly true . He knew what he was going to do with his time , in the general sense . He was trying to assemble the messages from the angels into something coherent , which was an interesting job for an atheist . It was also an impossible job , but it was his for the duration . * * * Theology was the big question that the angels presented . Where they angels ? If they were angels , did this prove the existence of god ? Did this prove that the Judeo Christian god was real ? Were all the other religions wrong ? It was several months after the Dylan 's Saturday phone message before they announced who they were . " Fear not ! " tPosted by " So what do you want to do ? " he said . " Well , we could - " She stopped when the lights went out . Tom wasn 't afraid of the dark , and neither was Dani , but he felt a little chill when everything went dark . There 's a difference between the kind of tamed darkness you get at night when the lights are out and what you get when the power goes . The house was pitch black and dead silent and it wasn 't a comfortable feeling . " Oh for fuck 's sake , " Dani said . " The snow ? " " It 's got to be . If it were a fuse or something they 're still be some lights . " He heard pawing around at the table . She knocked over her glass of Diet Dr . Pepper . " Shit ! " And then there was light . Not much , but the sickly blue light from Dani 's cellphone was a relief . The soda was soaking pretty much entire through her math book . Tom could see her face in the glow . She looked pissed . He resisted the urge to say anything . She got up and went into the kitchen . It lit up and she stuck her head in the doorway . " Are you going to help or what ? " " Oh . Ah . Sure . " Dani 's dad was a cop , so it was no surprise he was pretty well stocked in case of an emergency . There were flashlights , which was helpful , and a bunch of those little lamp things . She handed him four of those . " Go out these in the living room and the dining room , " she said . It was in that tone that said that this was not a request and made him feel like he was in second grade and being told what to do by Mrs . Gresko . Tom figured she probably learned it from her father , or possibly it was some rogue policeman DNA that she 'd inherited . Either way , he did what he was told . Dani picked up the phone . Nothing . No dial tone . She frowned . She didn 't actually mind living out in the boonies , as such , but it was pretty easy to lose contact with the outside world . One downed telephone pole and that was pretty much it . She checked her cell , too , even though she knew there was no service out here . Surprisingly , there was no service out here . She looked out the window Posted by Dani Swift rubbed her eyes and glanced at the clock . Not late , but she 'd been staring at the book for hours and wasn 't sure that she was actually retaining any information at all . She stretched her arms out above her head and flexed her spine . This seemed to rouse Tom from a pizza induced coma . " You do realize that there is precisely zero chance of us actually going to school tomorrow , " he said . " Spoken like someone carrying a C average . " " C is average ! It 's fine . " " Uh huh . " " I already got accepted to Ship ? " " Ship is just Walnut Hills , the sequel . " Tomy sighed . This particular conversation was a lost cause . He was supposed to be studying , too , and he was a little frustrated that their study session had , in fact , ended up involving actual studying . He looked over at Dani and the only thing that he was interested in studying was her . Dani looked out the window , and even with the pole light , she couldn 't see a thing . It was almost like watching static on a television screen . Tom was right , they weren 't going anywhere tomorrow . Actually , she was pretty sure that they weren 't going anywhere tonight . She closed her book and looked at Tom . " Okay . I 'm just about studied out , anyhow . " " That 's more like it . " " So what do you want to do ? " He smiled at her at started rubbing the back of her neck . She closed her eyes and he leaned in for a kiss . He got a faceful of palm . " Yeah , that 's not going to happen . For one thing , my father will probably walk in the door about four seconds after you get your pants off , and he will tear you into small little pieces . " " Hey , I 'm not scared of your Dad . " " That 's because you 're not very bright . " She grinned at him and he grinned back , in spite of himself . She wasn 't what you would call beautiful , not like a model or anything , but with her red hair in a ponytail and her freckles and her dimples so was just so damn cute . He leaned back in his chair . While watching her studying was by no means a bad way to spend an eveningJustin |
I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . When I was in my early twenties my ex and I lived in Twickenham and we would often drive along Richmond Road to Richmond . One day we drove past a truck with a lift attached to the back . I have no idea what they are called , but they have a small cage which normally has one or two men in it whilst they carry out maintenance to the street lamps . As we drove towards the truck I could see a film in my head of the cage being hit by a double - decker bus . I felt sick in my stomach and without realising it had let out a very loud " oh my God " . He asked me what the problem was and I told him what I had just seen in my head . He kind of tutted and said it would be fine . It was quite a long road and before the road went to the left round a bend I looked out of the back window back towards the truck . I could see a bus coming along and then to my horror it hit the cage . I gasped and shouted " oh no , you have to stop " but my ex was in busy traffic . He said that as the road was busy there would be lots of people to help . I think he expected me to just carry on as normal but I just couldn 't . In August 1990 I was working and living in Okehampton , Devon . Working so close to home meant that I could go home for lunch and give myself a welcome break from the pressure of my work . I remember one day so very well . I had sat down to eat a sandwich , put the television on and saw that the lunchtime news was giving information about a missing little girl . She was only eight years old and very strangely had been taken through an open window of a caravan whilst she and her family were on holiday in Bridport , Dorset . As I watched I felt so worried for her and concerned for her family . I doubt that anyone can imagine how it must feel to know that your child has been taken and you have no idea where she is , or even whether she is dead or alive . Oddly , as I watched the footage of a line of police officers scouring the local fields for any evidence , I had another movie playing in my head . I could see the little girl in a derelict house with a young man and she was frightened and crying . Most importantly she was alive . I felt the man was mentally unstable and that concerned me more than anything . Then , just as suddenly as the ' movie ' had started , it stopped and I was back to watching tv again . I was quite taken aback and really thought that it was just wishful thinking . There was a part of me that thought I should do something about the pictures I had just seen , but the logical part of me disregarded the nagging voice in my head , and so I put it to one side and went back to work . Throughout the afternoon though I kept seeing the same movie over and over again , and no matter how I tried to ignore it , it just wouldn 't go away . Finally , by the time I had finished work and went home I was beginning to think I was going mad . I was sure that by now they would have found the girl and as soon as I got indoors I put the tv on to see the evening news . Again , they showed the police looking for her , and yet again in my head I was shown the house she was in . I had a lurching feeling in my stomach as if I had just been given some bad news . I realised then that I couldn 't sit and do nothing and so I decided to phone my local police station . I had half expected them to tell me not to waste their time , and was in fact already wondering what else I could do if that was the case . Much to my surprise the man who answered the phone listened patiently and told me they would send a detective to come and see me . Even more surprising was that he arrived only about ten minutes later . As I opened the door a wave of embarrassment came over me , I told him that he most probably would think I was totally crazy but I just knew I had to do something and didn 't know what else to do other than phone the police . He was actually very nice and told me that having been in the police service for a number of years nothing surprised him anymore . He asked me to describe the house and the young man I had seen and also asked if I could draw the house for him . I tried my best to explain everything in the greatest detail I could , I managed to draw a rough sketch of the house and signed a formal police statement . As he left I literally prayed that someone somewhere would take notice of the information and that they would start to search houses for the little girl rather than looking in the countryside for a corpse . I really felt that time was running out and that they had been looking in the wrong place . I hardly slept that night , and again , first thing in the morning put on the tv to see the news . The little girl had still not been found . I felt I had no option but to drive the 65 miles to Bridport . I was hoping against hope that I would somehow be able to spot the house , and if I did I had planned to then inform the police . I drove around for hours , but didn 't see any houses like the one I had seen in my vision . I sadly and wearily drove back to Okehampton . A huge part of me felt I had let the little girl down and I was becoming concerned that the video I had seen in my head seemed to have gone away . I just prayed that nothing dreadful had happened to her . I was glued to the tv all evening and there was still no news . Again I had a restless night . I was puzzling why I could no longer see the pictures in my mind and also wondering if I had somehow imagined the whole thing . At last the morning arrived and the first thing I did was put the television on . Still no news . I went to work , struggling to stay awake and to stay calm but with my tummy continually churning , which I have learnt over the years is a physical response I have when spirit is close . Thankfully that day the little girl was found , safe and well . I was absolutely amazed when they showed the house on the tv and zoomed in - it was exactly the derelict house I had described to the police . Also , as I had told them , she was with a young man who was later found guilty of kidnap and imprisoned in a secure mental health unit . I now wonder if my visions had stopped because I had done all I could . I doubt if I will ever really know . After this event I seemed to go through a couple of years where many times , especially when a child went missing , I would be shown the most sad and often harrowing scenes but I was not given any further information . I would also watch tv interviews of families where children had gone missing and know instinctively who was responsible , but with no evidence to back it up I couldn 't contact anyone . I just knew that there was nothing I could do . On each occasion my ' knowing ' was proved right . Eventually I asked my guides not to let me have information if there was no action I could take to help and thankfully those kind of visions stopped . On the plus side , when I was learning to drive in deepest Devon , many of my lessons were on very narrow winding roads . Very often my driving instructor would comment on my sixth sense as I would often be happily whizzing along for miles , then I would just know to slow down and pull over , and sure enough a car would always come the other way . I had several lessons with my good friend Jeanette and she became really spooked by my unusual awareness . On so many occasions I would know exactly what other cars were going to do , even if their signals and road position indicated otherwise . One time we were behind queuing cars at traffic lights and I was supposed to get in the empty right hand lane to turn right , but I held back . Jeanette told me to move forward but I insisted that the car at the lights , indicating left and with his wheels already pointing in that direction , would be pulling across in front of me . Jeanette laughed and just thought I was being daft . Sure enough though , as the lights changed , the car in the left hand lane suddenly swung to the right and tore off at great speed . Almost thirty years ago I had a wonderful spiritual reading , by telephone , with a medium I had never met . Straight away she asked me if I ever felt ' cobwebs ' on my face as I was driving . I said yes . it was quite normal for me , and she went on to explain that it was a sign that my maternal Grandfather was with me . She told me he was a lorry driver in his life time and he was looking after me . She knew nothing about me , but she was right , he had been a lorry driver , and since that time whenever I feel ' cobwebs ' on my face I say thank you to my Grandfather . This has happened so many times , and still does , I really feel I am so fortunate to have him watching over me . Over the years I have learnt to trust spirit and the visions I have which have rarely been incorrect . I have sometimes wondered if my life would have been easier had I not been so aware , but in reality I wouldn 't change a thing . My connections with spirit have made such an enormous and positive difference to my life and hopefully , at times , have helped others along the way too . If through my awareness , even just a few people have been touched by the love of spirit and the knowledge that our lives , right now , are only part of our souls journey , then I feel truly blessed . On Tuesday nights I watch ' Touch ' , a fictional supernatural programme starring Keifer Sutherland who plays Martin , a widower , and who is the single father of a young boy , Jake , who is emotionally challenged . Martin is unable to make any kind of connection with Jake who has never spoken a word and will not allow anyone to touch him . Jake lives in his own world but he is obsessed with numbers and can see both the past , present and future through the connections that the numbers make . I have always felt that we are all connected , that we are all from the creator , or as some would say , from source , or from God . I find the series fascinating with its insight into synchronicity and the realisation for the father , Martin , that there are no such things as coincidences . On Monday I had received an email from a woman in America who has been reading my blogs . She asked me if I could help her in advising how she could receive spiritual healing . She had , she felt , been the victim of a con man who had charged her quite a large amount for supposedly healing her . She needed someone she could trust and had asked spirit for guidance and they had told her to contact me ! I wasn 't feeling too well on Tuesday , so I didn 't reply to her straight away , but sent an email telling her I would email her again on Wednesday . Tuesday night I settled down to watch Touch . This weeks episode wasn 't so much about numbers , but more about a pattern within a cats cradle that Jake kept making with wool . Martin , his father , had to try to place the pattern and work towards connecting people who were associated with it . All sounds rather odd if you haven 't been watching Touch , but in the programme it all made perfect sense . The important part of the pattern was two triangles which kept appearing in different guises and always made a connection with people , even across continents . On Wednesday morning I was lying in bed , thinking of the email I had received and how I could possibly help someone who lived so far away - over 4 , 000 miles - when I happened to look out of my bedroom window . I just couldn 't believe my eyes when I saw a perfect cross in the sky . It was exactly the pattern that Jake had been showing his father which connected everyone ! I knew there and then that the distance between us meant nothing spiritually . That in itself , was , synchronistically speaking , quite amazing . Later on Wednesday I was chatting to a wonderful friend of mine , Jane , who is both a gifted medium and healer . She was telling me about a workshop she had recently attended which was teaching a new way of healing , it was about a system called The Healing Code . I looked it up on the internet and saw that there was a book available and downloaded it to my kindle . Having read a few chapters I thought it would make sense for the lady in America to read it too . I emailed her and sent her a link to the book . At the same time I agreed to send her spiritual healing myself , and as I was typing her email I was covered in goosebumps which to me shows that I am certainly make the right decision . The following day I received another email from her . On Wednesday she had gone and bought a book , The Power , the follow - up book to The Secret . It wasn 't the one I had been reading , but it included reference to the same man who had written the book I had advised her to buy ! He was the only MD featured in the popular DVD of The Secret . Neither of us could believe it ! ! There we are , me living here in England and her in America , and of all the books in the world , she buys a book that includes a reference to the very same man . What are the chances of that ? More synchronicity . I feel that spirit has shown me this week , in more than one way , that we are all truly connected . We arranged that today I would send the lady spiritual healing . As I sat at a pre - arranged time I was again covered in my familiar goose - bumps and as I asked my healing guides to draw close and send healing to the lady I felt the most wonderful connection . When I was a very young girl I was always aware of energies around me because , when they were about , I experienced head to toe goosebumps . I would happily be walking down the stairs and then suddenly … . whoosh … there they were … and I would be terrified ! From when I was 9 years old we lived in a typical 1930 's semi - detached three bedroom house in Twickenham , outer London . When Mum and Dad first bought the house it was very dowdy and when we arrived I thought it was really spooky . Full of dark colours and with drab curtains hanging at the windows , I wasn 't at all impressed . I 'd have given anything to go back to the modern houses we had lived in when we were living in Essex before Dad had been transferred from Shell Haven , near Southend , to the Shell laboratories in Egham , Surrey . Mum though was thrilled to be living back near London and her relatives , and Dad was really happy as his transfer was also a step up the career ladder . My twin sister , Tina , and I had to share the back bedroom which was decorated with wallpaper that was supposed to be ' stone - wall effect ' . Why anyone would ever want that in a bedroom I had no idea . It was horrid ! Mum and Dad had the large double room overlooking the green at the front of the house , my brother Ray had a small single room and we all shared a pretty awful stark and very chilly bathroom . Downstairs was a sitting room with a dark wood panelled dining room at one end and a fairly small kitchen with a walk - in larder . There was no separate loo and no central heating . In the kitchen was a very old coal - fired boiler which I gathered heated the hot water and the only other heating in the house was a coal fire in the sitting room that seemed to emit more smoke than warmth . The back garden faced north - east so it was never bright and sunny . All in all I wondered , even at that young age , why on earth Mum and Dad had bought this awful dreary house . Within a short time of moving in Mum , Tina and I were very busy decorating . Yes , you did read that correctly ! My Dad , bless , was no decorator , and unless you wanted your wallpaper hung upside down or with the pattern mis - matched , and drips of gloss running down the doors , you didn 't ask him to help . Ray was far more interested in being out and about with his friends , so it was up to us girls to get stuck in . Mum was a dab - hand at everything d . i . y . and from when Tina and I could just about walk she had taught us all she knew . She had so much patience and would spend hours teaching us how to prepare surfaces for painting , how to hold a paintbrush and put just enough gloss paint on so that it covered but did not run . There she was with her beautifully manicured nails and her exquisitely styled hair , full make up and happy as a sandboy , she 'd be up and down ladders , painting , wallpapering and even stripping and painting furniture . Mum was fantastic with colours and her interior design flair soon brightened every inch of the house . All the dark wallpapers had gone replaced by bright light modern colours . It was a total transformation and the neighbours kept popping round to ask Mum 's advise . She missed her calling there I think , she should have set up in business and she 'd have done so well . From the moment we moved in I felt that there was a lot going on spiritually speaking . Both Tina and I were becoming more and more aware of energies in our bedroom at night . I would get myself under the covers and not dare to peek out because I just knew ' someone ' was in the room and would be covered in goosebumps , no matter the actual temperature . Stupidly I had thought that now the house was brighter I would feel more at ease . I suppose thinking about it now , why would the colour of the wallpaper or the curtains make one jot of difference to a spirit ! What didn 't help either was that Dad would often go upstairs and sit on his own in the bedroom he and Mum shared . If you walked past the door you could hear him having a one - sided conversation ( not that Tina and I would ever stand there and listen intentionally ! ) . It was all very odd and if we asked who he was talking to he would make some excuse not to answer . It was only many years later that he told us that he would be talking to his twin sister Mary , who had died when he was five , and he also had regular chats with his Father - in - law , Ray ( Mum 's Dad ) , who had passed to spirit before Tina and I were even born . Mum was exploring her religious beliefs and spirituality and among other religions that she dabbled with , was off to spiritual meetings and circles whilst we lived there , so no wonder the house was busy with spirit energies ! I remember one particular Saturday afternoon . Dad was sitting watching sport on the tv and I was going to go upstairs to collect a book to read . As I went to go up the stairs I was suddenly covered in goosebumps and I froze , I called to Dad and explained that I had gone all whooshy . To try to put me at my ease he explained that if there was anything on the stairs , our dog , Belle ( a beautiful Saluki ) would know about it . He went and brought her out from the sitting room . She too froze at the bottom of the stairs and with her heckels up began to growl . Dad said she had picked up on my fear and put her back in the sitting room and went and got Perky , our cat , who was curled up by the boiler , and put her on the bottom of the stairs too . There was no way she was going to go upstairs either ! She quickly ran back into the kitchen . Dad walked up the stairs with me and as we almost got to the turn near the top the hairs on every inch of my body were standing on end and I was what I now term ' mega - whooshy ' . As soon as we reached the landing the feeling began to subside . The bathroom was very busy , spiritually speaking , I often felt ' someone ' was in there , even in the bath I would be going whooshy ! Looking back I suppose I should have asked who it was , but at such a young age I never thought to do that . All of the family saw someone walk into the bathroom on many occasions and we also used to see the towels lifted off the towel rail , which became quite a common occurrence ! I soon learnt that the best way to deal with all the odd feelings I had was to imagine a transparent bubble surrounding me that nothing could penetrate . No - one ever told me to do this , it was purely instinctive , and throughout my whole life it is something I have often done without even really thinking about it . I always feel amazingly safe in my bubble of protection . Over the years in Twickenham the whole family saw and felt spirit energies both in the house and just outside in the garden . Sometimes just one of us would experience something but often it would two or more of us at the same time . We would all be sitting eating our lunch in the dining room and often see someone walk past the french doors , which was impossible as it went nowhere . To begin with Dad would go outside to see who it was , but after several sightings we all just took it as ' normal ' and would acknowledge whoever it was and carry on with our meal . I always knew someone was about because I would experience my whooshy feeling even before anyone else said anything . I didn 't mind too much when we were all together , but I didn 't like it at all when I was in the house on my own , which I would try to avoid as much as possible . Since that time I have learnt that when I feel the whoosh it is my very own spiritual radar working . It has never been wrong . It works in many different ways now . I suppose as I 've grown older , it has been fine - tuned . If I am giving a demonstration of spirit and am not sure who the recipient is , it has come in very handy . For example , say I have an elderly gentleman trying to connect with someone , as I start giving evidence I am never sure who it is for . If someone tries to accept the message and I don 't experience the ' whoosh ' I know the message is not for them , but the moment the right recipient acknowledges the spirit , from my feet up I feel the ' whoosh ' rushing right up through my body , and I know it is right . It 's also very useful when I have been sitting in church , or in a circle , and someone tries to place a spirit reading with me . They may say ' I have your Dad with me ' and if I feel nothing I know they haven 't , but if I feel the whoosh I know they have . As most of my friends are mediums or healers , we do have some , shall I say , rather strange conversations at times . We chat about our experiences with spirit and some of them are really quite incredible , and some are almost unbelievable . Many people , I am sure , had they been eavesdropping , would think ' what a load of rubbish ' , and I must admit on occasions I have found some things hard to swallow . Even as I am sometimes recounting some of the wonderful and weird occurrences that I have been witness to , or been involved with , I am sure others must just have at least the slightest inkling that I am exaggerating ! I have sat listening to the most amazing stories and have been covered in goosebumps and just know that what I am being told is true . I feel I am so fortunate to have my own lie - detector on board and what is even better is that I can show people too ! It doesn 't matter , even if I 'm sitting in warm sunshine , if I get the whoosh , I am covered in goosebumps . It is a wonderful way of proving that I am receiving a ' signal ' . At other times friends will ask my advise , and if they give me alternative solutions to their problems I will feel the whoosh when they mention the correct course of action for them to take . The whoosh then becomes like spiritual shorthand . As I said , it has been fine - tuned , and I can 't imagine my life without it now . I was sitting chatting to two friends , Niki and Sharon , last week and we were discussing how , after we had passed into spirit ourselves , we would be able to give the kind of evidence to a medium so that our friends and loved ones would absolutely know it was us . For Sharon we said that she could say she had an affinity with wolves , had a phoenix tattoo and enjoyed karaoke . That would certainly be Sharon ! For Niki , we all agreed on the description of big hair ( Niki naturally has lots and lots of very curly hair ) and her favourite saying which is ' I don 't know ' . I think we would know that was Niki without too much of a problem . For me , I had to laugh , Sharon said there was just one word that would guarantee it was me . The word ? Whooshy ! ! Having weaved my way around the WordPress site , trying to glean tips for the a new blogger , I somehow came across what is termed The Daily Post . Its is full of inspiring ideas to help us bloggers blog a little more . To begin with we have to add widgets and tags and things , some of which I find more than a little formidable . I have read , re - read and read again the easy to use instructions , and as the intelligent woman I still try to consider I am , I find I am still none the wiser . I have , as instructed , pointed my mouse at the widget picture and clicked and then gone backwards and forwards to my blog ' dashboard ' ( that 's the technical word for the technical background bit of my blog , a bit like an engine for a car ) and clicked here and there and have still found I haven 't got the widget I need . It 's so much like my car , I know where the pedals are and the steering wheel , but put me under the bonnet and I have no idea what is what ! I have learnt more about tags in the last couple of weeks , but I 'm not quite sure of the difference between a tag and a category , so I always end up with a mixture of the two . My ever helpful husband , advised me to keep a list of tags and categories on my desktop so that it would be easy for me to find for future use . Hmmm , I 'm sure it would be if I knew where on earth my computer had saved them . I 've made several lists of tags and categories now and can never find them again . There must be a mass of lists somewhere in my laptop that I 'm sure one day will come to light , but for the moment at least they are very much hidden . So , to get back to this wonderful innovative idea of ' post a blog a day ' . The challenge is to find inspiration from ideas that the Daily Post will give us bloggers , and then be able to write about it . To me it sounds very much like a class I took with the Accolade Academy in Margam , Wales , with the most wonderful spiritual tutor , Tony Stockwell . He had the bright idea that each of us would choose a random word and then someone in the class would have to talk about it for at least five minutes . You couldn 't prepare this talk , or do any kind of background research , it had to be totally off the cuff and ideally inspired by spirit . We all had to have a go , and I must say it was good fun once you get over the ' I 'm sounding like a total idiot ' phase . The problem was , that unknown to us students , Tony was walking around the class listening in and was deciding who he would choose to demonstrate inspired speaking to the whole course on the final night . He walked up to me with a big smile on his face and told me I was going to be one of his chosen students ! It was more than a little daunting , he told us that we could talk about absolutely any word at all , for at least five minutes . The other classes on the course also had students that had been chosen by their tutors and the evening before the ' performance ' I could see everyone busily writing notes and discussing their ideas . I thought I must have the wrong idea , because I had not prepared anything at all . I guessed that if it was supposed to be inspired then you should leave it to spirit and trust them to inspire you . I went to bed that night concerned that maybe I should have spent the evening in preparation instead of chatting socially with friends . I spoke to Tony the next morning and asked him if I had got it wrong . He laughed and said , no , it was supposed to be inspired and no preparation was necessary . In a way that sounded too easy and too terrifying all at the same time . The whole day my tummy was full of butterflies , not gently fluttering away , no , these butterflies had boots on and were stampeding around , and I was dreading the moment I would be called to talk . As we all took our seats I thought that I would feel better once I had seen a few others give their talks , but little did I know that I was to be called up first ! Looking back though it is a bit like having a dentists appointment first thing in the morning . You get it over and done with and can then get on with enjoying your day . I had been visibly shaking at the thought of standing up in front of all these people , my stomach was churning , my mouth was dry and my palms were sweaty . Amazingly as soon as my name was called and I walked to the front , a feeling of calm came over me . I still had no idea what I was going to talk about . There was a stand by the side of me with a description of all that Accolade Academy offers its students . " Understanding your Awareness " , was one of the phrases that caught my eye . Suddenly I was off , chatting about awareness . I don 't know how long I spoke for , and to be honest I can barely remember what I said , but I did feel it flowed and was certainly inspired . Phew , was I pleased when I could sit down . As total novices we can only put ourselves forward and ask spirit to help and guide us , and most importantly we must learn to TRUST . What a massive impact that word can have . To know that your spirit , the most important ' bit ' of you , is off somewhere without the physical ' bit ' of you , is actually quite daunting . We have to trust that our spirit is in safe hands and will return to our physical bodies in tact . Although I try to make light of it ( pardon the pun ) , it is quite mind - blowing and very hard to truly accept without real confirmation and masses and masses of evidence too . Firstly , Annette ' travelled ' to Kay 's house in the middle of the night ! What was so wonderful about this was that in her earthly physical life Annette had never been to ' Kay 's house , but she could describe not only Kay 's bedroom , but also her cat , who happened to be curled up on the bed at the time ! ! She could also see a large ' see through ' egyptian type cat hovering over her . Quite a result . BUT , it actually gets better . On the very same night , at virtually the same time , Kay was aware of her ( Kay ) being her spirit , hovering over her bed and looking down at herself asleep . Now , with that , Kay 's physical body woke up and she jumped out of bed . If you knew Kay as I do , you would appreciate just how unusual that would be as Kay doesn 't tend to jump around too quickly these days ! . So , we were chatting about this a few days later and we were talking about NDE 's ( near death experiences ) , and how some consultants are so interested in trying to clarify the information from their patients that they have taken to putting messages or objects out of normal vision . Amazingly , there have been instances of NDE 's being able to give vital evidence of these very messages and objects . We realised we could try this too . Annette and I agreed to place a word each above our beds and see if we could visit in the night and see them . The next day we were chatting online and Annette was telling me how she felt she had met my guide , Minyon , the previous night . She told me how he had visited her and she had known who he was . I was surprised as I had no recollection of going anywhere and to be honest would have hoped that he would have taken me along with him . She then told me about her travelling to my home and could describe me asleep in my bed and which way I was facing , where my hands were etc , which was all totally correct . Anyway , we carried on chatting , and Annette asked rather casually if I had any idea about the word over her bed . As soon as she asked I was shown a piece of paper with the word Angel written on it . I almost dismissed it as pure conjecture , but it was so clear and I was seeing it just as I ' see ' information from spirit when I am communicating with them . I half heartedly wrote the word Angel , not expecting much of a response . I couldn 't believe it when Annette wrote back , ' LOl LOL LOL Well done YOU ! ! ! ! I 'll have to change it now ' I wrote back , ' lol … yeah right ' , wondering if Annette was pulling my leg , but she wrote back ' Honest to God , that 's correct , cross my heart ' . We were both in total shock ! I checked how many words there are in the English language and there are approximately 171 , 476 words in current use , so I had quite a choice ! Annette and I do know that spirit tend to eavesdrop on our conversations . We have had so many instances of ' coincidences ' after our chats that we have now accepted that they are listening in and they often give us evidence of this within a day or two . It has been quite amazing the number of times this has happened , especially , strangely enough , when we have been discussing or questioning spiritual ideas on the phone . Do spirits somehow use our telecommunication systems ? Or , do our guides chat amongst themselves and give us the information ? As communication with spirit is literally just a thought , then are they automatically aware of our thoughts and so our guides can just convey these between themselves ? Goodness , my mind could go into warp mode trying to work this one out ! Hmmmm … . I think I might suggest that someone else , totally unrelated to us , places an object or a word up high somewhere , so that neither of us is consciously aware of it . That could certainly throw a spanner into the works ! In the meantime we decided on adding another ingredient or two into our experiment . We have asked Annette 's guides to visit me so that I can describe them to her ( currently I have no idea what they look like ) , and I have given Minyon a distinct message to give to Annette . We are waiting to see what happens . As they say … . Watch this space ! This is something I often thought about , having known several people who had obviously loved their husbands or wives , but had then successfully managed to find love with someone else . Maybe they enjoyed such a wonderful relationship with their first partner that they hope to experience the same again . There are of course also those who sadly never love anyone again . This could be for many reasons . Maybe they feel that they would be unable to risk losing someone they love all over again , and aren 't prepared to put themselves in the position of going through that pain once more . Or , do they feel that their love was so strong it is irreplaceable ? Or might it be that they feel they would be being unfaithful to their past love ? This final thought is most probably the question I have been asked the most . Would their partner in spirit feel they were being betrayed if they went on to love another ? When I was up in Scotland quite a few years ago , I was communicating with the husband , in spirit , of a woman who was distraught because she missed him so much . She felt that it was wrong that she could ever be happy again without him . She was concerned that he would feel that she hadn 't really loved him if she ever found love again . I could feel the warmth of her husband coming through as he spoke to me . He loved his wife very much and it pained him considerably to see her so lonely and unhappy . He wanted her to be able to feel love once more . I tried to convey this to her , but I really wasn 't sure that she believed me . When I was back home , as I was washing up after dinner , I heard his distinctive Scottish accent . He asked me to send a poem he had written to his wife . I was most surprised as I had never had such a request before . This is exactly as he said : That very evening I was out with my husband and happened to be in close proximity to a couple of women who were talking . I couldn 't help but overhear that one of them had recently been widowed , she spoke about going to see a stage medium but not receiving a message , and it was obvious she was very unhappy . I knew her husband 's spirit was with her right there at that very moment . Without even thinking about it I found myself explaining to her that I was a medium and telling her that her husband was beside her . I could sense that he wanted me to give her a copy of the poem as it exactly conveyed his sentiments . I asked for her phone number and I said I would call her . I was , funnily enough , washing up the next evening and saw a vision of a man driving a lorry . I knew instinctively it was the lady 's husband . He was urging me to phone her . Try as I might I couldn 't glean any more information from him and I was sure that he hadn 't communicated with a medium before . As I went to ring her I faintly heard the name Natalie . I rang the lady and asked if her husband had been a lorry driver and she confirmed that he had . I asked if she had an email address so that I could email the poem to her . She said she didn 't , but she passed me to her daughter in law who gave me her email address , Natalie ………@ yahoo . co . uk ! To me her name was further confirmation of just how important it was that I send the words . I do hope that they helped her come to terms with the possibility of moving forward in her life and allowing herself to find love and happiness once again . Isn 't it just amazing how spirit work ? How wonderful that I was inspired to read that poem that particular morning and then that I met that lady that same night ? It is often said that spiritual communications are based on pure love and the more I have experienced , the more I know that love continues and is everlasting . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Chapter 1The sun shone , ricocheting off the pale stone bricks of Elysium Asylum . It 's a warm day Quinn thought as she sat in the vast gardens behind the mansion , plucking daisies from the ground . She was fashioning a daisy chain , that was already 7 meters long . However , she wanted it to be long enough to drape around the entire common room , at the very least . Next to her sat Isabella Midnight , a tall , dark , mysterious woman . Most people would have questioned why she was sat with such a small girl or why she had her hands outstretched towards the daisy chain , gently moving her hands . The more knowledgable spectator would know that she didn 't simply have her hands outstretched , but she was removing the moisture from all the daisies , to prevent them decaying . Having said that , very few would realise exactly why she was doing this . Some might assume that Isabella was in charge of caring for Quinn , or that she simply enjoyed playing with the child . However , the most observant viewer would have known that this was most certainly not the case . Perhaps it was the lack of warmth and love radiating from Isabella , or possibly the fact that her mouth was in a constant look of distaste , as if this were some torturous task that should only be done by slaves and mongrels , but the intrigued viewer would know that Isabella was not enjoying this . " I 'm hungry , " Quinn said , looking at Isabella expectantly . Isabella forced a smile , " Well , what do you want ? I 've got … muffins , and cakes … " " NO . I want a lollipop . " Isabella sighed . A lollipop , of all the things that she had , she didn 't have a lollipop . " I 'm sorry , Quinn , but … I don 't have a lollipop . " " No lollipops ? " Quinn looked at the ground sulkily . " Fine , " she stood up , picking up the daisy chain , " I 'm going inside . " " No ! Quinn , come back ! " Quinn turned around , and looked at Isabella with her wide brown eyes , that were set out on her pale skin . " Why , Isabella ? Bryony has some lollipops . Bryony always has lollipops ! " Bryony . Isabel " Miss Midnight , " Bryony said , tipping her top hat eloquently , " I don 't believe I 've had the pleasure of introducing myself . My name is Bryony Rose . " " I 've heard enough about you . " " Well . I 'll be blunt with this - I 'd appreciate it if you back off from Quinnera . " " I need her help . " " Try someone else . You 're a grown woman . You don 't need the help of a vunerable ten year old girl . " " She didn 't seem very vulnerable to me . " " Nonetheless . " Bryony smiled a charming smile . " I think you should leave her alone . And if you don 't … You 'll have me to deal with . " Isabella glared at Bryony as the red haired girl turned on her heels and walked away . " Idiot … " Isabella muttered under her breath . Suddenly a stone came flying at her , rebounding off her head and landing onto the ground . " Who ? " Isabella paused . " Bryony . Bryony and her goddamn telekinesis ! " Chapter 2The common room was rather empty , with only Octaboona sat on a particularly comfortable armchair in front of the fire . There wasn 't any reason that they had the fire during the day in the summer , apart from the fact that it looked homely . However , the flames were cold and the room was a comfortable temperature . Quinn loved the smell of the books that were piled everywhere around the room - on tables , chairs , the mantlepiece , hanging off the chandelier - but most certainly not on a bookshelf . Bookshelves were too enclosed , and didn 't let you see the beautiful yellow pages , or the entirety of the hand bound leather covers . Quinn had read all of the books here at least twice , having lived in the Asylum for around 8 years . There was very little company of her own age , so Quinn had spent the majority of her time in the common room or the library - leafing through whichever book took her fancy . She 'd begun on books such as Tobias and the Super Spooky Ghost Book and A Home For Mr Tipps . But she quickly outgrew these and moved onto other books , like the stories of Skulduggery Pleasant . She admired Mr Pleasant and MissQuinn sat on Octa 's lap , happily sucking a lollipop whilst reading over his shoulder . She was finding the mysteries of the Empire Quetzal Acratoon very fascinating ( for the fifth time ) and she hoped to visit there sometime in the future . She dreamed of being quite the traveller . She supposed that she could find out whatever she was going to be in the future , being a sensitive . But surprisingly , she actually had very little interest in the future . Quinn thought that knowing the future could flatten dreams , and if there was anything she loved more , it was dreaming . The old man closed the old book and turned to face Quinn . " Quinnera … " " Yes , Octa ? " Quinn looked at him wide - eyed . " Is it necessary to create such a fuss when you are asked about the future ? People are only requesting , they do not realise that you don 't like to give away such amounts of knowledge . Wouldn 't a simple ' no ' suffice ? " " But Octa … People don 't listen to me if I say no . They keep asking . " Octaboona sighed . On top of hot tempered , she was also very stubborn . " Just try , Quinnera . " Quinn rested her head on Octa 's purple robes , " Whatever you say , Octa . " Soon enough , Quinn drifted off to sleep , so Octaboona continued with his book , leaving the resting child on his shoulder . Quinn had a terrible nightmare . It began on a beach , at midnight . The sand was pale and reflected the white light of the moon overhead . The ocean was a deep , dark blue , pushing and pulling , in and out of the shore . There was a figure sat at the convergence between the sand and the sea , her face covered in a cloak ; she was looking out to the ocean watching the fireflies play above the misty blue depths , her face stained with tears . Her soft brown hair curtained her face , and she was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs . Everything was quiet , except from the gentle roar of the ocean . Behind her was a small stone building , a little library . And as Quinn looked back at the woman , she noticed that by her was a small book , purple , leather bound , with words embossed on it in a gold , flowery print . ' The Sound of Silence . ' Everything was incredibly vivid , more vivid than Quinn would 've liked . She could smell the saltiness of the air , and the faint scent of the woman 's perfume . " I know you 're there , " the woman said suddenly , " You don 't need to hide from me . " A boy stepped out from behind the library , his electric blue eyes piercing the twilight . " Gepard Valk , " she spat , " What are you doing here ? " She shot up , reaching under her cloak . " Tristessa Murano , " he smiled awkwardly , " What exactly were you waiting for ? " " Not a little boy . That 's for certain , " she smiled , " This is going to be easier than I thought . " She stepped forward , pushing him towards the building until his black hair was touching the limestone bricks . An extreme sense of fear passed through his young looking face . " Who sent you here ? " her amethyst eyes bore into his . " No one . " " Liar . " " I 'm not . " " Who sent you here ? " " Nobody , " He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head . " What are you doing ? " He cried out in agony . " I want to know who sent you here , " She was touching the hem of her cloak , which had intricate symbols embroidered on the edges . He winced in pain , but kept his mouth firmly shut . " Fine , " she reached beneath her cloak , and pulled out her only weapon , a small golden dagger . " Tell me , " she said , pressing the blade against his neck . The boy kept his mouth closed . " If I move this even a millimetre further into the neck , I 'll cut the carotid artery , and you 'll be dead within minutes , " she hissed into his ear , " so tell me . " " No . " " Hello Miss BlackFlower " He began in a nasal voice , " I 'm just gonna take you away , with me now . " The boy sneered . " So you just stand still - " Iris quickly lashed out with her foot . The boy keeled over , cluchting his ribs . Skulduggery was about to start again , about Iris blinking when Valkyrie pointed out that Skulduggery didn 't NEED to blink , he couldn 't , so he shouldn 't give out about Iris . ' ' I mean , dust can 't get into yer eyes - you don 't have any - and they don 't get dry , AND , you don 't have eyelids anyway , so you shouldn 't give out about Iris . She blinks just as much as me , AND , she 's probaly just shocked to see a talking , walking , dead man . ' ' Valkyrie pointed out , going on to sing dead man walking . Iris and Valkyrie burst out laughing . ' ' Aw , no ' ' Valkyrie began ' ' It just . . I . . I . . . I swapped it for a pink one , with purple hearts and Granny 's knickers on it ! Oh ! And a pink feather ! How could I forget ? ' ' Skulduggery yelped and tore off his hat . ' ' Never , again , am I gonna let that girl mind my hat . . . ' ' Iris coughed . ' ' Remind mind me why your here again ? Actually , while your at it , you COULD explain what he 's doin here . Only if you mind of course . ' ' Iris clicked Twilight boy . ' ' Well ya see . . . there 's a New Guy in town ' ' Skuluduggery said . ' ' He 's rounding up a load of assains , we think , he 's a starter , and he 's trying to get the best . Though , he has to work up to it . . Now he only has stupid beginners , tryin ' to try their luck . he 's not doing well . He 's calls himself the Godmother . I know . Pathetic . ' ' ' ' We 're not sure , we can 't link it up yet . . . his killings so far include - A priest , A schoolteacher , a Guard , and , a hairdresser . Attempted - Retired couple - Old women hit the fella with a frying pan . A model . You . And a few bloggers . ' ' He grabbed her leg , twisting it and bending it , while making a grab for her hair and pulling . Isabella screamed in agony , making a clumsy attempt at a punch . He dropped her leg , but kept a firm grip on her hair . He got her in a headlock , and pressed the razor against her neck . He glanced at the bent over figure of Sanguine . ' ' Oh ' ' Dragona said . ' ' Sorry mate ' ' He punched him in the stomach , and Sanguine groaned . Michael Kohlhaas was a nice person . He loved justice and tried everything to achieve it , whether it was for him or for others . All people who knew him would have described him as a good friend , a reliable , honest and nice person , and there was no one who had something bad to tell about him . When his family died , everyone felt sorry for him . The funeral was visited by everyone around town , and the graves and gravestones were probably the most beautiful one could find on his cities graveyard . Kohlhaas had spent all of his money for them , telling everyone who asked that he wanted his family to have the most beautiful place possible for eternity . Michael Kohlhaas felt uncomfortable . The main reason for this was the fact that he was sitting in a tree . For about three hours by now . At night . In front of someone else 's house . Looking through the windows . But he had made a decision . With no other way left , he himself had to fight for justice . He looked at a small bag he held in his hands . It was merely as big as a tennis ball , and a sparkler looked out of it . He lit the sparkler , and threw the bag at the man behind the windows . It crashed through the window and , by now a ball of fire and melted iron , hit his head , burning right into it . The man didn 't have enough time to scream before he died , but died with no sound at all . His body lit the carpet , the carpet lit the furniture , and soon the whole house was on fire . By this time , Kohlhaas had reached the end of the street , and standing there he called the fire brigade . The first few days Kohlhaas worried that the police would find him . But days went by , and no one even mentioned the murder , and no one seemed to know that he had died . Actually , officially he was missing and they suspected him that he had burned down his house himself . " No body , no murder . " Kohlhaas thought . Only problem was , he had no idea where the body had gone . " As I said when I called you : We 're finished . Here 's the key . . . I wish you a nice day ! " The police officer gave a small smile and left , leaving Kohlhaas all alone on the stairs . They had been searching for a clue of the murderer 's identity for two months . Some pieces were still in their labs . But now they had returned most of his furniture , cleaned , and he was again allowed to enter his house . Only problem was : He didn 't want to . The last time he had opened this door . . . all the blood . . . their faces . . . He pushed away the memories with all his force . " The only thing we have to be afraid of is fear itself . " he mumbled as he pushed the key in the lock and opened the door . Kohlhaas ran to the bathroom and said goodbye to his breakfast . His stomach had just calmed down again , when the doorbell rang . He stood up , wiped his mouth and left to open the door . But it was noone there . He was just about to close the door , when he saw the small envelope on the door mat . He picked it up , then looked around again : still no one there . So he closed the door and went into the kitchen . . . well , the room the kitchen had been in . The cupboards were open and empty , the table and chairs filled with boxes . He sighed , freed a chair , took it over to the worktop , sat down on the worktop and put his feet on the chair . Then he opened the envelope , which had nothing written on it , curious about its content . The letter was written in a strange , old looking , beautiful handwriting , and with black ink . The paper was heavy and seemed as well old as precious , and it smelled like a sunny summer 's day . Now he was really wondering about it : that was probably the most perfect letter he had ever seen , and he knew that he didn 't know a person writing letters like this one . He started to read : first of all , I want to express my sincere condolences . Although we don 't know each other , I heard only good things about you and your family . Also , I once met your wife and was deeply impressed by her beauty , intelligence and talent . Her death , as well as the death of her daughter , is a tragic loss for our society . From all I 've heard , neither you nor they did anything to deserve this fate . That 's why I decided myself to help you . You surely already wondered about where the body did vanish to - yes , I know you killed him , and no , I won 't tell anyone , since I deeply appreciate what you did : he always was a disgrace for our society . Anyways : I cleaned your mess up . Know you probably wait for my requirements . Well , I don 't have any . I demand nothing . I just want to help you . Yes , I know , this sounds too good to be true . And why should you trust someone you never heard of and who only wrote this letter for you ? To show you that I 'm honest with you , I 'll share my information : You guessed right about him being the man who hired killers to kill your family . You weren 't his first victim , but luckily you 're his last . The revenge you take was also a revenge for five further families : a lawyer 's , a policeman 's , and a judge 's , who all made the same mistake as you : Trying to sentence him . But he also took revenge on the families of a postman who woke him for a neighbour 's packet , and the family of a driver who made a scratch in his car . As you can see , his death is a good thing . But you probably knew that he deserved death , even though I 'm fairly sure you didn 't know the whole extent of his depravity . But now to what you probably didn 't know : he wasn 't working on his own . He was part of a network of heinous men , who are part of all classes of society : from gardeners , butchers and butlers over business men , bankers and directors all the way up to high ranking politicians and judges . You probably noticed how impossible it was to sue one of them : There was always at least one of them in your way . You might wonder why I 'm telling you about them . Why would someone write a letter to a stranger , especially if it 's about a highly dangerous , secret group ? I 'll tell you why : I need your help . For years I tried to hunt those men down for what they did to me - my fate isn 't that different from yours - and although I had success with doing so for a few years , they became cautious with me being around . More and more , sueing , discrediting , disempowering and yes , sometimes even killing them became difficult . They know my way of thinking , of working , of trapping them . And therefore , they see my next step coming , are aware as soon as I am around , and are pretty much out of my reach . But now you came along , and you managed to kill one of them in your first attempt : something no one has managed before . That 's why I 'm asking you to help me : I need you to kill some of them . Of course we will concentrate on getting the heads , that 's my part . I 'll deliver you the information you need , hoping that you 'll get to kill them . You don 't have to care if it 's messy or of getting rid of the body , that , too , is my part of the work . Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . I know you killed him - Who 's " I " ? - I won 't tell anyone - should be glad about that , right ? - I demand nothing . I just want to help you . - As if . Nobody just wants to help . Never . Too good to be true fit 's perfectly . - Giving me information to make me trust you ? Ts . And you can keep your asking for help to yourself , too . - Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . - course that 's what you need me to do : it 's the dirty part of it ! - Telling me about other victims and a " network " to motivate me ? Won 't work this way . - Cleaned your mess - true , and probably the best reason to work with you . But I 'll be the one choosing the conditions . Kohlhaas smiled , and took a scissors . " If someone gives you two ways to choose from , take the third one . " he thought , grinning . And with that , he cut the letter in two halves . He then took one of the halves and wrote on its back " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " and put it back in the envelope . He then placed the envelope on his door mat . Still grinning , he returned to the kitchen and burned the second half in front of his window . " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " he read . A smile played across his face . And he started to prepare the next envelope . He smiled . She sighed . But she didn 't have a choice . She took the envelope and left his hideout . It was a good hideout . . . even she wouldn 't know where it was . The moment you left it you forgot it . . . except you were him , of course . It was really easy to put the envelope on the door mat . This Kohlhaas wasn 't exactly observant . She rang the doorbell and hid in a tree next to the street . The doorbell rang . Kohlhaas woke up , sighed , and walked to the front door , still in his pj . He opened the door , wondering who 'd visit him that early , and expecting a postman . No one was there . But another envelope lay on his doormat , bigger than the last one . " Didn 't think whoever would do that . " Kohlhaas mumbled . 300 000 . And a name , address , hobbies , daily routine and other information on his victim . And a letter giving him one week to come up with a plan . She threw the powder in the air , created a small wind and , as soon as it had created a small cloud of the powder , closed her eyes and set it on fire . The light flashed like a lightning and remembered her why she had chosen this place for practicing . High trees surrounded the small clearing she was standing in , making sure that no one from the 30min of walking away town would see her . She grinned : it had worked out just the way she wanted it to . Next she took another powder , and did the same , but this time she walked away from the cloud and only lit it being at a safe distance : it exploded . Now she grinned even more . Last thing she did was taking some water and a battery to separate oxygen and hydrogen , caught the hydrogen in a balloon mixed with air , and . . . this time she put the balloon on the other end of the clearing before she lit it . The explosion threw her to the ground , first lit some trees and blew them out again . Aquila blinked . " Shouldn 't do that again . . . " , she mumbled , glad she hadn 't been closer to it . But the explosion had been pretty loud . . . she took her things , that were now spread all over the clearing , and left . The frog had killed him in his sleep . It hadn 't been too difficult to get one of them . But it had been quite difficult to get it into his bedroom . His bad he had the habit of having flowers in it . Kohlhaas smiled . " Let me try something . . . " Tristessa said , drawing a symbol she had just thought of . She smiled , looked at Lilith , tapped it . . . and water appeared right above Lilith , falling down on her . " Hey ! " Lilith screamed , " What did you do that for ? " " Just wanted to try it . . . " " You 're meant to find those disappearing people , not to pour water over me ! " " I know . . . but I had the idea and couldn 't resist it . . . Plus I thought it 'd lighten the mood a bit . . . " " Lighten the mood ? People keep disappearing , and it 's quite probable that they are dead ! " " Yeah , but still . . . " Lilith sighed , and Tristessa continued searching for a symbol that 'd help them . Kohlhaas picked up his weekly letter . The fifth one . By now he was quite used to them . . . and he had had his fun with some of the victims . The most comfortable thing about it was that he didn 't have to clean the mess and evidence he left . But this letter was different . . . he was meant to kidnap a young woman . From the information he got it looked like an easy thing to do . . . he only wondered why he 'd have to wear fire - proof clothes and sunglasses , and why he 'd have to catch her in a strong net . " No . . . " , Lilith was hit by a small stone . " Nope . . . " , Lilith saw everything in shades of green and blue . " And that one neither . . . " Tristessa sighed , whilst Lilith became the size of an apple . The small Lilith glared at Tristessa . " Oh , sorry . . . " and with that , Tristessa turned her back to normal . " Why do all your tries end up with something stupid happening to me ? " " Cause you 're not doing your part of the job but are only standing around , watching me . " she said , smiling . Lilith mumbled . " How am I supposed to investigate here ? That 's Germany ! I don 't understand a word of what they say ! " Tristessa sighed . " I 'm sure you know at least one German . Right ? " " Well . . . " , Lilith sighed . " See ? Now go and ask him or her for help . " " But . . . " " Lilith , I really can 't concentrate with you watching me . " Tristessa said , giving her an apologetic look . " Fine . . . " And with that , Lilith took her jacket and walked out . Aquila came back from her training . She had grown used to practice every second day , and she also always took the same way back to home . And always walked down the street that had been covered in dead zombies a few months ago . She grinned . Luckily they had actually cleaned it . . . " That was an awful lot of work you made us do there . " She spun around , only to see a young girl that seemed a bit familiar to her . " Hi . I 'm Lilith . From the wedding . " " Oh . . . hi . " Aquila answered . " I think I don 't remember your name , though . . . " Lilith continued . " Israel told me my real name is dangerous , so I didn 't tell it . . . but just call me Aquila . " It had taken him quite a while to get fire - proof clothes . But with all that money he had by now , it had been merely a matter of time . With a bit of luck the job would be finished by tomorrow . . . although he still wondered why it was that different from the ones before . Nyx mumbled angrily . " Working for Dusk becomes less fun every day . . . " " True . " Rosella answered . " But at least we get paid for sitting here . " " Yup . And Isabella visits us on a regular basis , too " Nyx said . " Just a shame we can 't talk to her . . . " They both looked at Isabella , who was standing behind a sound - proof glass , looking at them sadly . " So you 're trying to find out why they 're missing ? " , Aquila asked . " Yes , and also where they went or where they were brought to . " " You think they 're still alive ? Some people say they 're probably dead . . . " " We don 't know . " " Oh . " They fell silent for a moment . " How are you searching for them ? " , Aquila asked curiously . She had heard that those people disappeared . The police had given the information to the media , which gladly published the pictures , and everything they were able to find out about those persons . It had been close to impossible not to take notice of those 8 people , who didn 't seem connected . They came from different cities , had different jobs , knew different people . The police wasn 't sure if the cases were connected , but investigated . But a lot of other people were searching for them , too . Journalists , to be the firs ones with a brand new story . Private detectives , who were paid by the families . And others , who just wanted to become famous by finding crucial evidence . So Aquila didn 't really see what they could do that all those others couldn 't . " Tristessa , who is working with me , is trying to find a symbol that 'll be of use . And I 'm meant to search for hints at the places they went missing , as well as to listen to what people are saying . . . Problem is : I don 't understand German . " " And that 's probably why you need my help . " Aquila smiled . " Another question answered . " , she thought , before asking : " How are symbols meant to help us searching for something ? " Lilith sighed , but then she started explaining . He looked at the clearing . It was well hidden , and although he had had a description of where to find it , it had took him quite a while to do so . It was in a part of the forest no ways led to , and had probably been a quiet , wild and untouched place . But now the meadow was mowed and had some burned parts . Kohlhaas saw some hay , but most of it seemed to be in the bag she used as a target for her arrows . There were some broken branches and a fireplace surrounded with stones . Half hidden under some roots was a fox 's hole , and in one of the trees was a big nest . He wondered if the animals who had built them still lived here . " Probably not . " , he decided . Then he started to look for the best place for his trap . Isabella decided she had heard enough . Lilith 'd get Aquila 's help . That wasn 't a problem . Kohlhaas was probably the least suspicious person of this whole region - they wouldn 't hear anything bad about him . And she , together with the other people who had to clean the mess Kohlhaas tended to leave behind , had been very careful not to be seen . It actually wasn 't a problem for them that Aquila 'd help Lilith . It was perfect . Everything seemed to work out just fine . " At least for him . " , Isabella thought angrily . " He 's not the one who 's got to sit in a tree for more than half an hour , being as quiet as possible " But Lilith was a lot more difficult to follow than Kohlhaas . Isabella restrained a sigh of relieve , when they finally decided to see Tristessa ( Aquila still didn 't really understand how those symbols were meant to help them ) and left . She gave them a few minutes , than climbed out of the tree and headed off to the meeting point . " She 's the only German you know , isn 't she ? " " It 's not like I 'd be in Germany on a regular basis . And I don 't think you know that many Germans yourself , do you ? " " Well . . . not really . " " Hah ! " Aquila yawned , then lazily changed into a cat . She jumped on the windowsill and continued listening to Tristessa and Lilith . They had been discussing whether or not she 'd be a help for about an hour , and Aquila was pretty bored by now . She curled up , let the sun shine on her fur and closed her eyes , not really caring what they 'd agree to . On one hand she WAS curious what all that was about . . . but then again it 'd be a lot of work to translate about everything to Lilith . Not to mention that she wanted to continue her training and had a lot of class tests in the next few weeks . Aquila yawned again , and then acted like she was asleep , listening to the both of them . Kohlhaas looked at the clearing , pleased . The target now lay in the middle of it , a small letter pinned to it . Everything else lay in the middle , too . Broken branches and hay , mainly . He also had digged the fox hole bigger , and made it his hideout . He 'd stay in there and wait for her to come . . . and to go into his trap . But not today . She wouldn 't come today , but tomorrow . Kohlhaas left the clearing and went home to get some sleep . He 'd probably need it . Isabella followed him back to the hideout , angrily . " If I only could remember where it is ! But no , it has to be a hideout everyone but him forgets as soon as they leave it . " Knowing where it was it wouldn 't be that difficult to get her friends out . But nothing seemed to work . She had taken notes whilst being inside the hideout , but they didn 't make sense as soon as she left it . She had dropped stones whilst leaving it , but trying to follow them back they ended in the middle of nowhere . She had written down the coordinates her GPS gave her being inside the hideout , but the place they described was empty . And not the same place the stones had led her to . She had no idea left how to find it . And from the grin on his face every time he took her back to the hideout he knew it . From what she could tell , it was just impossible to find a way back to it . She also had tried to learn the way he drove her , but it seemed to always be a different way . Although that was something that was difficult to tell whilst being blindfolded . Isabella sighed . She sighed . He smiled . The spell around his hideout seemed to work perfectly . Even Isabella couldn 't tell where it was , although she was the one who came and left the most . But even better was the fact that he had tricked her into thinking that he 'd caught her friends . She did whatever he told her , whilst Nyx and Rosella wondered why someone 'd pay them for sitting in a cell a few hours a month . Kohlhaas did a good job in carrying out his orders , and everyone else was working properly , too . " Aquila ? " Lilith poked the sleeping cat . It opened an eye , than the other one , started to stretch itself and jumped to the floor , before shifting back to her human form . " What is it ? " , she asked . " We agreed on deciding it later . We 'll have to report on our progress tomorrow . Could you come here again the day after ? " " Sure . " Aquila shrugged . " That 'll be on Saturday . . . which time do you want me to be here ? " Lilith looked at Tristessa . " How about 9am ? " Tristessa nodded , and Lilith said : " At 9am . " Aquila grinned . " Already heard that the first time . " , she said , picked her things up and walked to the door . " Bye ! " She waved , and left . It was already dark by now , but her way wasn 't long . " So tomorrow I 'll learn for maths and do my training and on Saturday I 'll translate . " She sighed . Usually she 'd learn at the last moment possible . . . but since she didn 't know if she 'd have any time to learn on the weekend , she didn 't really have a choice . " Parallel , schneidend oder windschief , Stützvektor , Richtungsvektor , Faktoren . . . " Aquila sighed . She never had been able to really make herself learning for maths . All she had done was reading through some pages , and she now realized that she should look some of the things up again . Or just rely on her luck , as usual . It always worked out somehow , and she was usually slightly above average . Plus she couldn 't learn that much , even if she wanted to . Concentrating for more than half an hour was something she hardly ever managed . So she had decided to go and do a bit of training . And , more importantly , take some water in bottles to her clearing . It was summer by now , and she wasn 't really willing to get a headache from not drinking enough . But the water was heavy . . . she probably wouldn 't do much training in the end . Thanks to the dry weather of the last few days the fox hole was dry , and , except for some roots of nearby trees also empty and surprisingly clean . Also , he had hidden the earth he had taken out of it . All he 'd have to do now was waiting for her to go into his trap . But , wearing the fire - proof clothes , it was too warm to be actually comfortable . Kohlhaas just hoped she 'd turn up fast . As soon as she was able to look into the clearing she dropped the water . Someone had been here . Everything had been brought to it 's middle , and an envelope was pinned to her target . She looked around : noone was here . And there were no other traces that someone had been here . She carefully stepped out of the wood , but nothing happened . So she slowly walked over to the target with the envelope , reached for it and : the floor gave in . She tried to get hold of something , but all she managed to get a hold of was the net where all those branches and the hay had been on , making it look like solid ground . Within seconds she was completely caught up in it . And struggling only made it worse . Unfortunately she had not only dropped her water but also her bow and her knife . But maybe if she changed into a fox she could use her teeth . . . Aquila realized too late that someone was up there when she changed . And she didn 't have a chance to change back and act like nothing happened . While the man looked at her in shock , the net closed in on her , leaving her now even less space . She 'd probably squash herself if she 'd try to change back . Looking up she noticed that the man was wearing heavy and warm looking clothes and some strange - looking sunglasses . In any case , he was probably the one who set the trap up . Aquila gnarled and than started to bite at the net . But she realized within seconds that she wouldn 't manage to get through it . " Changing into a mouse or something would be of use , now . . . " Aquila thought . The man now had shaken off his surprise and started pulling her up . But he made sure to stay out of the reach of her teeth , and she didn 't have enough space to struggle . Aquila could do nothing to escape . So instead she tried to concentrate on the way . Wherever he planned to take her : she 'd make sure she 'd find her way back . Or so she thought , until he put her into the boot ² of his car . It was dark , but not completely . The bit of light that reached in was enough for her fox - eyes to see the net she was caught in . She couldn 't be bothered to try to notice where the car was driving . She wouldn 't be able to remember all the turns either way , and her biggest problem was definitely to get out of the net . Being free of the net she could just wait , as an eagle , till the man 'd open the trunk and then fly away . From the shocked expression on his face when she changed to a fox she concluded that no one had told him she could shape - shift and she was going to use that advantage . But first , she 'd have to escape the net . It was completely knotted and she didn 't really have enough space to move . . . Aquila changed into a cat . Now she was able to turn around and look at the open side of the net . . . well , the side that could be open . She had given up on trying to bite through the net , it was too stable . But she might be able to get it in order and herself out . . . Untangling a net with a cat 's paw definitely was no easy thing to do . If cats would have had the ability to sigh , Aquila would have done it . It seemed like she 'd have worked on it for hours , but still she couldn 't get out . " Next time someone catches me in a net I sure as hell won 't move . " she thought angrily . But at least there was a progress . She was just about to continue , when she realized something had changed . A moment later she had changed into a fox and laid herself down . The car had stopped . Not only on a traffic light , but it stood still , and the engine was turned off . And that probably meant . . . The trunk was opened and the man looked at her . Then he walked out of sight for a moment , but still in the net , she didn 't even try to escape . Instead she tried to look as harm - and helpless as possible . Maybe she could get him to underestimate her . For the same reason she had changed back into a fox : No need to let him know she could be a cat , too . He returned , now wearing some thick and stable looking gloves . " Wouldn 't have bit him either way . It 'd be quite stupid to make him angry , and I couldn 't escape from that net , either . " she thought . So she didn 't move when he got her out of the car , but looked around curiously . S , she read on the number plate . That meant she wasn 't too far away from home , S standing for Stuttgart . The street was just a normal street with houses on both sides . " Just your average neighbourhood , it seems . " Aquila didn 't mind that he carried her inside one of the houses , she knew what she had wanted to know . The inside of the house surprised her , though . It seemed as if the man had just moved in or was about to move out : cupboards were open with half filled boxes in front of them . He reached for a door , opened it and she saw some stairs . " The cellar ? Great . . . " Cellars usually had a lot less ways to get out . To her surprise , it should be even worse . A cage . He had a cage in his cellar , comfortable enough , though : it had a bed and a small separated room in the corner , which she suspected to be a toilet . The man opened the cage , put fox and net on the bed and looked at them . " Erm . . . Do you understand me ? " Aquila nodded . " … will you be able to get out of that net yourself ? " Aquila shook her head . The man sighed . Then he picked fox and net up again and laid them down next to the cage 's bars . He left the cage , locked it and went away , just to return with scissors . " Don 't move . " He said , and then he started to cut the net open . Aquila stayed still until he was finished and had taken his hands out of the cage , then she stood up and changed back to human . " Why did you kidnap me ? " She asked angrily . He shrugged . " They pay well . " And with that , he left her alone . Aquila looked around . She was in quite a huge cage , the bars reaching from floor to ceiling . The bars were too close to each other for a fox to get through , but . . . Aquila changed to a cat , walked up to the bars and comfortably out of the cage . Now that was just a bit too easy . All she 'd now have to do would be to get out of one of the cellars windows . Yes , they were closed right now , and yes , they were quite high above the floor , but by changing into a human both problems could be solved easily . She wouldn 't fit through them , but would be able to open one , but a shelf or something else next to it , change into a cat , climbed up the chosen part of furniture and just jump out of the window . For a quick moment she considered to do exactly that . But what use would it be ? Someone was paying this guy for kidnapping her . Yes , she 'd be able to lead her friends to him , and she was quite sure that he wouldn 't stand a chance . But it was probable that she 'd soon have someone else trying to kidnap her instead of him . And next time she might not be lucky enough to have an incompetent kidnapper like him . So , what she really needed to do was to find out who had sent him after her . She looked around . This cellar didn 't really look like a place for prisoners . Except for the cage , it was just your average cellar : Lot 's of boxes , some shelves , and everything filled with dusted items . Here , too , everything was half unpacked . All the boxes had labels telling what was in them . " Newspapers " , " Books " , " Bills " , " Wires of different kinds " , " Old electronics " , it didn 't really seem like the way someone would pack and label his or her things for moving . Besides , who 'd take old newspapers , single socks , diverse pieces of wood or broken ceramics with them when moving ? And then she found a small box , labelled " diaries and photo albums " . Aquila changed to human and grinned . Just what she needed . She 'd look through them until it was dark outside , hopefully being able to find out who had paid him to kidnap her . And then she 'd leave in the cover of tN Aquila awoke . There were footsteps on the stairs , so she hurried to hide the diary under her pillow . Then she walked up at the bars at the other end of the cage , close to the stairs . She didn 't want to be caught with it . Kohlhaas came down the stairs and stopped in front of the cage , just out of her reach . He was holding a plate in one , and a bottle of water in his other hand . " It 's time for breakfast . " he said . Aquila barely managed not to swear . Apparently she had not only fallen asleep , but also slept all of the night . Now she 'd either have to wait another half day , or risk running through his garden ( as a cat ) at day . She didn 't like either thought , but now it was too late , she had already overslept in the worst conditions she could think of . She held back a sigh , and looked at the plate . Bread with butter . She didn 't like butter . This time , she allowed herself to sigh , but still took bottle and the plate , which barely fit through the bars , mumbled a thanks and sat down on her bed . Tristessa and Lilith reached had been waiting for a whole hour . " We said nine , didn 't we ? " , Lilith asked , for the third time by now . Tristessa didn 't bother to answer , but instead said : " Maybe she just forgot . . . " " I doubt she did . " " Too . " They waited another few minutes , and then decided to go and look for her . Looking for someone whose name you don 't know , in a country which 's language you don 't speak isn 't an easy thing to do . Lilith and Tristessa had tried , but after an hour of asking people they had gotten nothing but weird looks and some mumbling behind their backs when they walked away . Aquila finished reading the diary . It seemed as if that guy at least had some reason to be angry . After all , his family had been killed . But that still wasn 't a reason to go around and kill others , at least not in her opinion . Since the diary had been full after his first murder , Aquila didn 't know if he was actually responsible for all the other missing people , as well . But it seemed probable . She doubted it 'd be easy to get his current diary , and besides she was already late , Lilith and Tristessa would now either be worried or think she forgot . Or changed her opinion . In any case , she was late . And she didn 't see a point in being more late . Yes , there was a chance that there 'd be a better kidnapper the next time , but that one only gave her bread with butter . . . Aquila changed into a cat and left the cage . She changed to human , put two boxes on top of each other , climbed them and opened the window . Then she changed back into a cat . She had been practicing to jump . She knew a cat should be able to jump high enough . But still , she had to get rid of a picture of herself , jumping face - first into a wall . Aquila - cat shook her head , then jumped on the boxes and for the window . On her first try she only reached out of it with her front legs , and hadn 't be able to climb out , but the second time she managed to jump out of it . She looked around the garden , decided to leave it on the front side , since the fences around it seemed quite high , and did so . She made sure to get some corners between herself and the house before she hid behind a car and changed back into a human . Then she realized she didn 't have any money on her , so she wouldn 't be able to buy a ticket home . . . she sighed , hid again , changed back into a cat , climbed a tree , and chaAquila Felis Aquila awoke . The blanket felt a lot heavier than usual . It was difficult to move but she managed to struggle the blanket away . She looked at it but it looked just as usual . Wondering which time it was she turned to her clock and looked at it . It said 3am , but that wasn 't possible . It wasn 't dark enough . She decided to get up but her legs didn 't reach the floor . She looked at them , slowly realising that they weren 't her legs . They were a cat 's legs . Her arms didn 't look like her arms either , and turning her head she slowly realized it : She was a cat . But , of course , she couldn 't be a cat , right ? So she was dreaming . It was the only way she could be a cat . For some time she walked and jumped in her room , and she even tried to open the door , but she didn 't manage to pull the handle . After some time she decided to go back and sleep again . If sleeping in a dream was possible . She laid down on her bed and closed her eyes . Aquila awoke . She was on the top of her blanket , and the clock said it was 7am . She decided to get up and started a usual day , not remembering her dream . Aquila was walking through the forest . She loved the silence and the nature , but most of the time she was far too lazy to go outside for a walk . Although she exactly new that she 'd like it the moment she started . But this time wasn 't only special because she was on a walk , but also because she was doing it without permission . It was a winter 's day , and everything was covered in snow . She had asked her parents for permission to walk through the forest , but they didn 't give it , saying it was far too dangerous with all the snow . So Aquila had promised them not to leave the city . She hated to lie to her parents , but she couldn 't wait to see what the forest would look like . Suddenly she heard a squeak in front of her . Carefully she approached the bush it seemed to come from . There were some wild piglets , playing . While she was still watching them she heard another sound from behind her . Something like a snuffle . She slowly turned , looking at a fully grown wild boar . " You 're probably the mother " she mumbled , slowly trying to get out of the mothers way to her children , knowing that boars are pretty dangerous animals ( in fact she had been warned about them as early as in kindergarten ) . The boar started to run towards her and Aquila turned and fled . While she was running she could here the boar approach . Therefore not watching the way , she suddenly lost the ground under her feet . She had run into an abyss washed out by a river flowing at it 's ground . Still in the air she desperately waved her arms , " but of course I 'll die " , she thought , when suddenly . . . Aquila felt the air under her arms , felt the pressure of it growing bigger and bigger , and then she stopped falling and started gliding . Too afraid to do anything she didn 't move until she reached the rivers shore . Then everything faded in black . Aquila awoke . She was lying on the shore of the river , remembering a flight . " I must have hit my head " , she thought . " Nothing of this was real , obviously . Well , it 's a long way home . " Aquila started walking , and of course she didn 't tell anyone what had happened . Firstly , because she was walking through the forest without permission , and secondly , because she wasn 't hurt at all , a huge luck , making the visit of a doctor unnecessary . Aquila walked through the forest again . Spring had come and melted the snow , so she wasn 't afraid of slipping and falling anymore . " I 'll go and see this abyss " she decided , and went to see it . Filled with all the melted snow the river on its ground was a lot bigger than she remembered it to be , and a lot faster . It had overflooded its shore , now filling the whole abyss . " Lucky I didn 't fall in spring " she thought and walked on . Aquila was already on her way back when she heard something sounding like a fight . She carefully looked around the corner . A group of strange people ( strange mainly because all of them had something special like uncommon clothing , or coloured hair ) fought each other , throwing burning balls ( or so it seemed ) , using knives and swords , guns and crossbows , hand and feet . Although she didn 't know what was happening , Aquila decided not to go this way . Those people were obviously crazy . She already wanted to turn around and leave , when a guy , in the middle of the fight , saw her . He shouted and pointed at her , but , being surrounded by fighting people , he 'd need some time to get out of this . Realizing that he 'd try to catch her ( although she wasn 't too sure why ) , Aquila turned and started to run , back into the forest , away from the streets which didn 't offer a place to hide . But the forest , too , didn 't offer many hideouts . The trees hadn 't grown leaves , yet , and there were no fallen trees to hide behind . And Aquila somehow wasn 't too sure about simply standing behind a tree . But there was not much of an opportunity , so she went on , searching for a tree as big as possible . Actually she found one , and when she ran around it , she saw a fox - hole , digged between it 's roots . " But it 's too small , I 'll never fit - " Aquila heard someone , at the other side of the tree . And , without thinking about it any longer , she crawled into the fox - hole . " This fox - hole is a lot bigger than it looks " she thought , curling up inside it . She heard some steps , and then saw a pair of shoes in front of the hole . Aquila held her breath , but he walked past the hole . Slowly relaxing , she looked around , in order to see her surroundings . Maybe she just needed something to do until she was sure that he was gone , maybe she was just curious , but looking around , she saw a fox 's tail . First she was sure that there 'd be a fox in here , in the same hole she was sitting in . But her perspective didn 't fit . Seeing the tail like this , the fox would have to sit on her , and she was sure that she 'd have noticed it . Turning her head she managed to see more of the fox 's body , but not hers . It still took her some seconds to realize that she was the fox . Then she remembered the fall that wasn 't a fall , the time she thought she 'd hit her head . She remembered , finally . And still , she couldn 't believe it . But - not enough air to breathe / hit head crawling into this hole - > hallucinations , dreaming , going mad - non of her explanations did really work . " I 'll just not think about it " she decided . And , not remembering to check if the man had left , she left the fox - hole . " I knew you 'd come out within 5 minutes . " The voice of the man sounded like he 'd smile . Aquila turned , stumbled across her own legs and fell on her belly . The man was sitting on one of the tree 's roots , smiling . " So , you 're a shape shifter ? I don 't know many of your kind . " he said and jumped down to her . Aquila tried to say something , but whimpered instead . " Trying to talk ? You should change back to human , you know ? " " Like I 'd know how to do - " Aquila stopped in the middle of her sentence , realizing that she was human again . " This ? " he finished her sentence , a worried expression on his face . " Don 't tell me you don 't know . " " Erm . . . " He sighed . " You don 't know since you just discovered you 're magic , right ? " " That 's what I wanted to say , but how . . . ? " " Did I know it ? I 'm magic , too . " " And all those crazy ones , fighting on that street ? " " Too . " " So . . . " " What 's next ? " " How do you . . . " " I 'm able to see the future . " " But . . . " " That 's impossible ? Nope . I think I already proofed it . " Aquila tried to look angry , but she was far too curious to manage it properly . " So , what 's your name ? " she asked " And why were you fighting ? " I won 't tell you my real name . All magic people have three names : The given one , the chosen one and the real one . The given one is the name your parents gave you . It 's dangerous to give that one away . The chosen one is the one each of us chooses to protect the given one . " " And the real one ? " " Most people don 't now their real name and will never know it . It 's even more dangerous than the given one . " " Why ? " " I might explain this later . First we should get out of the forest . It 'll start raining . " It was only then Aquila realized that she was still sitting . She stood up and started following the man . " So , with given and real name being dangerous , what 's your chosen name ? " " My chosen name 's Israel Elysium . " " Israel , like the country ? " " You have no idea how often I have to answer this question . " Aquila grinned , but decided to be quiet for a bit . They walked back to the city and entered a small restaurant , just before the rain started . " You were right . " Aquila said . " Of course . " " So . . . what 's next ? " Israel started counting backwards : " 5 4 3 2 1 . . . " The door bell rang and a group of crazy looking people came in . It took Aquila some moments to realize that they were the same people who had fought on the street . " That . . . " " I know . " " But . . . " " No , they aren 't dangerous . " " But . . . " " Just trust me . " Aquila raised an eyebrow , but shut up . She then turned her head back to watch the group . They all looked young , none older than about 25 or 30 . And they were loud . Pretty loud . " Look at Israel ! " a man , looking about 20 , said . " He said he 'd have something to check , but I bet he just wanted to stay dry ! " " Why didn 't you tell us about the rain ? " a small girl with long , crimson hair asked . " I 'm sure he had good reasons , right ? " This girl looked about 16 . " I hope he did . We 're wet to the bones ! " another 16 year old , with long , soft brown hair said , and yet another 16 year old , but with black hair , standing beside her , nodded . A lot of ' Yes 's and ' He 'd better have good reasons 's echoed through the crowded restaurant . Aquila saw a waitress , backing away slowly to the kitchens door . She looked at Israel again , but before she could say anything he just said : „ I know . " Then he turned to the others . " You 'd better calm down , be quieter and sit down , or the waitress you just shooed away will call the police within 3 minutes . " he said . The group stared at him for about 3 seconds , and then they decided to do as he said . Aquila sat down next to Israel , the 20 year old , the three 16 year olds and the small girl sitting at the same table , looking at her . " Who 's that ? " the man asked Israel . " She 's what I had to check . " he answered . " Is there something you want to tell us ? " the guy asked . To Aquila he sounded kind of aggressive . She noticed that 16 - year - old - one kicked him under the table , before she said : " We 'd really like to know what happened . " The others nodded . Israel sighed , 6 " It 's time for me to go home . " Aquila had just looked at her watch . It was about 7pm - quite a long time for taking a walk . Any longer , and her parents might become worried . " You can 't go already . We barely had time to talk ! " Kallista said . Aquila tried not to grin : they had talked for more than two hours by now . But , since the others around the table nodded , she gave in . " Ok , I 'll stay a bit longer . But I 'll have to call my parents . " She took her mobile and dialled . After a short time someone answered the call . " Hallo Mama ! Du , ich komm erst in so ein oder zwei Stunden heim . Nur dass du dir keine Sorgen machst . " Listening to her mothers answer , Aquila looked around the table . Most of them looked pretty surprised . " Ja , ich dich auch . Bis nachher ! " She hung up the phone . Everyone was looking at her . " What language was that ? " Kallista asked . " German . " Aquila answered . " You 're a German , right ? I already wondered about your accent . " Mar said , and Aquila smiled . " Yes , I 'm a German . Did you really expect to meet an Anglophone non - German in Germany ? By chance ? " " We 're in Germany ? " Dragona said . " But the waitresses spoke English and the menus were in English , too . " " They surely heard you talking when you came in . So they already knew that you speak English and therefore talked English and brought you an English menu . " Aquila said , before realizing something else . " Hey , wait a sec . . . How comes you don 't know which country you 're in ? " she asked . " Zombies ! " she shouted , " A lot of them ! They followed me . We only have one or two minutes ! " Aquila looked at Israel . " Zombies . She 's joking , right ? " " I 'm afraid she 's serious . " he said , before calling over to her : " How many , Darkane ? " " Enough for me to run back to you lot instead of counting them ! " Darkane called back . By now , the restaurant was a chaos . People were preparing weapons , smiling , joking . No one looked worried . " This 'll be fun ! " she heard Dragona . And everyone seemed to share this opinion . Even Darkane , who seemed worried when she came in was now grinning . " Why do you like Zombies hunting ? " Aquila asked , seriously confused . " Because we like killing them . " Dragona answered , and the others around her table smiled and nodded . Aquila just shook her head . " They like killing Zombies . " she thought " I just hope that their other hobbies are a bit less dangerous . " She sighed , but no one noticed . " They 're here ! " someone said . By the time it was quite difficult to say who , since everyone was standing at the windows or the door , head outside . Except for Aquila , of course . She still couldn 't believe it : Zombies ! And the others were actually happy about it ! Now everyone was leaving the restaurant to hunt zombies . After the others had left , Aquila walked slowly to the door , looking out of it . The fight had already started . It reminded her of the first time she saw them . They were fighting with about every kind of weapon she could think of , some were even fighting without using any weapon at all . They were laughing , joking , shouting , killing . Zombies were cut , shot , ripped to pieces , they were drowned , burned , blown away . Heads , skin , blood , pieces of things she didn 't want to know what they were flew through the air . It was like seeing snapshots , all she realized were pictures . A sword , piercing through a body . Drops of blood , flying through the air . An exploding head , people , laughing whilst killing . . . Aquila felt sick . Suddenly , the impression was gone . Everything returned to normal speed , and the sounds came back . Explosions , shots , crackling fire , screams , shouts , laughter . She heard someone swear and looked around . Dragona 's guns seemed to have no munition left . He swore and turned around . Seeing her , standing in the restaurants door , he called over to her . " My swords are leaned against my chair , go and bring them to me ! " Then he continued fighting , this time with his bare hands . Aquila turned around and ran back to their table . The swords were quite easy to find , she took both of them and ran back . And , taking a deep breath , she went outside and ran towards Dragona . Everything around her was a chaos . She tried her best to evade blood and pieces , but she was covered in dirt within seconds . Luckily Dragona was only about 10m away . But even 10m seemed to be very far with all the fighting around her . Kallista jumped over her , landing on her right and punching a zombie . Its head fell off . Rosella and Nyx were fighting side by side , one distracting a zombie , the other one killing it . They seemed to have a nice chat whilst fighting . Aquila watched Mar , walking towards one of the Zombies distracted by them . She hit it on it 's head , it turned around , Mar run away and Nyx killed it with a single blow . Darkane balanced on a fence , using her sword like a scythe , mowing zombie heads like grass . Israel seemed to dance with his opponents : every time they tried to get him , he was already gone . Killing whole groups of them with his guns , which seemed to knock the Zombies over with blue waves of light , he had small hills of bodies lying around him . He wasn 't the only one . Most of them already had their own hills . So , Aquila had to walk around bodies , trying not to fall on the ground , which was slippery from blood . By the time she reached Dragona , she was really worried . As far as she knew , those people wanted to keep magic a secret . But here they were , shouting , laughing , exploding things , additionally to the streetlights lighting this alarming scenery with fire from their hands . They were leaving parts and whole bodies on the bloody street . She reached Dragona , he gave her a short smile , took his swords and continued fighting . Aquila sighed and returned to the restaurant . But she didn 't enter it . Seeing her covered in blood , the waitresses would probably call the police . Assumed they hadn 't done it already . She tried not to think about what was bound to happen , but failed . " There 's got to be a solution ! " she thought . And , suddenly , she had an idea . Twenty minutes later , the last Zombie was killed . Aquila used the short moment and started clapping . The waitresses , the cook , and the two guests who had been in the restaurant , standing next to her , looked at her for a short moment , then they , too , started clapping . By now everybody had turned to them , most looked worried . Aquila gave them a smile , then turned to the others . " Sie sind gut , nicht ? " she said . The others nodded and smiled . " Wirklich . " answered the cook , and one of the guests asked : " Wann kommt der Film ins Kino ? " " Wenn alles gut läuft : nächstes Jahr . " Aquila answer , and added : " Jetzt gibt 's eigentlich nichts mehr zu sehen , wir räumen nur noch auf . " " Dann geh ' ich mal wieder rein . " the cook said , the others agreed and followed him inside . When they were gone , Aquila turned to the others , who were still looking at her , in obvious confusion . " There is no way I am cleaning THAT up ! " Nyx said , staring at the mess of zombies . Aquila sighed . " Listen . I barely managed to keep the police away . They were just about to come when I called them , and it took me a lot to first convince them that we 're just making a movie and second to explain , how horribly sorry I am that no one warned them and that we didn 't ask for permission . Not to mention that I hate to lie . Then I had to calm those people in the restaurant down , and to convince them , too . And I even managed to keep the police from making us pay a fee . . . but only if this street returns to his old looking until 5 next morning . " A lot of ' but 's and ' won 't 's answered her . She just arched an eyebrow at them and said : " There are five people in this restaurant who saw you and are able to describe you . And there 's the police who 'll check if this mess is gone tomorrow in the morning . And they 'll surely notice that that " she pointed at some zombie parts " is no decoration . So they 'll try everything to hunt you down . Plus their investigations might reveal the existence of magic . " And with that she just turned around and left . Now it was up to them , she just wanted to get out of those blood - soaked clothes and get a shower . Aquila awoke . By now she was back to her usual life for a whole week . . . well , her usual life plus trying not to change into something . But her daily life wasn 't surprising or dangerous enough to make her change uncontrolled . Late at night she had started to learn how to change purposely . |
Chapter 1The sun shone , ricocheting off the pale stone bricks of Elysium Asylum . It 's a warm day Quinn thought as she sat in the vast gardens behind the mansion , plucking daisies from the ground . She was fashioning a daisy chain , that was already 7 meters long . However , she wanted it to be long enough to drape around the entire common room , at the very least . Next to her sat Isabella Midnight , a tall , dark , mysterious woman . Most people would have questioned why she was sat with such a small girl or why she had her hands outstretched towards the daisy chain , gently moving her hands . The more knowledgable spectator would know that she didn 't simply have her hands outstretched , but she was removing the moisture from all the daisies , to prevent them decaying . Having said that , very few would realise exactly why she was doing this . Some might assume that Isabella was in charge of caring for Quinn , or that she simply enjoyed playing with the child . However , the most observant viewer would have known that this was most certainly not the case . Perhaps it was the lack of warmth and love radiating from Isabella , or possibly the fact that her mouth was in a constant look of distaste , as if this were some torturous task that should only be done by slaves and mongrels , but the intrigued viewer would know that Isabella was not enjoying this . " I 'm hungry , " Quinn said , looking at Isabella expectantly . Isabella forced a smile , " Well , what do you want ? I 've got … muffins , and cakes … " " NO . I want a lollipop . " Isabella sighed . A lollipop , of all the things that she had , she didn 't have a lollipop . " I 'm sorry , Quinn , but … I don 't have a lollipop . " " No lollipops ? " Quinn looked at the ground sulkily . " Fine , " she stood up , picking up the daisy chain , " I 'm going inside . " " No ! Quinn , come back ! " Quinn turned around , and looked at Isabella with her wide brown eyes , that were set out on her pale skin . " Why , Isabella ? Bryony has some lollipops . Bryony always has lollipops ! " Bryony . Isabel " Miss Midnight , " Bryony said , tipping her top hat eloquently , " I don 't believe I 've had the pleasure of introducing myself . My name is Bryony Rose . " " I 've heard enough about you . " " Well . I 'll be blunt with this - I 'd appreciate it if you back off from Quinnera . " " I need her help . " " Try someone else . You 're a grown woman . You don 't need the help of a vunerable ten year old girl . " " She didn 't seem very vulnerable to me . " " Nonetheless . " Bryony smiled a charming smile . " I think you should leave her alone . And if you don 't … You 'll have me to deal with . " Isabella glared at Bryony as the red haired girl turned on her heels and walked away . " Idiot … " Isabella muttered under her breath . Suddenly a stone came flying at her , rebounding off her head and landing onto the ground . " Who ? " Isabella paused . " Bryony . Bryony and her goddamn telekinesis ! " Chapter 2The common room was rather empty , with only Octaboona sat on a particularly comfortable armchair in front of the fire . There wasn 't any reason that they had the fire during the day in the summer , apart from the fact that it looked homely . However , the flames were cold and the room was a comfortable temperature . Quinn loved the smell of the books that were piled everywhere around the room - on tables , chairs , the mantlepiece , hanging off the chandelier - but most certainly not on a bookshelf . Bookshelves were too enclosed , and didn 't let you see the beautiful yellow pages , or the entirety of the hand bound leather covers . Quinn had read all of the books here at least twice , having lived in the Asylum for around 8 years . There was very little company of her own age , so Quinn had spent the majority of her time in the common room or the library - leafing through whichever book took her fancy . She 'd begun on books such as Tobias and the Super Spooky Ghost Book and A Home For Mr Tipps . But she quickly outgrew these and moved onto other books , like the stories of Skulduggery Pleasant . She admired Mr Pleasant and MissQuinn sat on Octa 's lap , happily sucking a lollipop whilst reading over his shoulder . She was finding the mysteries of the Empire Quetzal Acratoon very fascinating ( for the fifth time ) and she hoped to visit there sometime in the future . She dreamed of being quite the traveller . She supposed that she could find out whatever she was going to be in the future , being a sensitive . But surprisingly , she actually had very little interest in the future . Quinn thought that knowing the future could flatten dreams , and if there was anything she loved more , it was dreaming . The old man closed the old book and turned to face Quinn . " Quinnera … " " Yes , Octa ? " Quinn looked at him wide - eyed . " Is it necessary to create such a fuss when you are asked about the future ? People are only requesting , they do not realise that you don 't like to give away such amounts of knowledge . Wouldn 't a simple ' no ' suffice ? " " But Octa … People don 't listen to me if I say no . They keep asking . " Octaboona sighed . On top of hot tempered , she was also very stubborn . " Just try , Quinnera . " Quinn rested her head on Octa 's purple robes , " Whatever you say , Octa . " Soon enough , Quinn drifted off to sleep , so Octaboona continued with his book , leaving the resting child on his shoulder . Quinn had a terrible nightmare . It began on a beach , at midnight . The sand was pale and reflected the white light of the moon overhead . The ocean was a deep , dark blue , pushing and pulling , in and out of the shore . There was a figure sat at the convergence between the sand and the sea , her face covered in a cloak ; she was looking out to the ocean watching the fireflies play above the misty blue depths , her face stained with tears . Her soft brown hair curtained her face , and she was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs . Everything was quiet , except from the gentle roar of the ocean . Behind her was a small stone building , a little library . And as Quinn looked back at the woman , she noticed that by her was a small book , purple , leather bound , with words embossed on it in a gold , flowery print . ' The Sound of Silence . ' Everything was incredibly vivid , more vivid than Quinn would 've liked . She could smell the saltiness of the air , and the faint scent of the woman 's perfume . " I know you 're there , " the woman said suddenly , " You don 't need to hide from me . " A boy stepped out from behind the library , his electric blue eyes piercing the twilight . " Gepard Valk , " she spat , " What are you doing here ? " She shot up , reaching under her cloak . " Tristessa Murano , " he smiled awkwardly , " What exactly were you waiting for ? " " Not a little boy . That 's for certain , " she smiled , " This is going to be easier than I thought . " She stepped forward , pushing him towards the building until his black hair was touching the limestone bricks . An extreme sense of fear passed through his young looking face . " Who sent you here ? " her amethyst eyes bore into his . " No one . " " Liar . " " I 'm not . " " Who sent you here ? " " Nobody , " He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head . " What are you doing ? " He cried out in agony . " I want to know who sent you here , " She was touching the hem of her cloak , which had intricate symbols embroidered on the edges . He winced in pain , but kept his mouth firmly shut . " Fine , " she reached beneath her cloak , and pulled out her only weapon , a small golden dagger . " Tell me , " she said , pressing the blade against his neck . The boy kept his mouth closed . " If I move this even a millimetre further into the neck , I 'll cut the carotid artery , and you 'll be dead within minutes , " she hissed into his ear , " so tell me . " " No . " " Hello Miss BlackFlower " He began in a nasal voice , " I 'm just gonna take you away , with me now . " The boy sneered . " So you just stand still - " Iris quickly lashed out with her foot . The boy keeled over , cluchting his ribs . Skulduggery was about to start again , about Iris blinking when Valkyrie pointed out that Skulduggery didn 't NEED to blink , he couldn 't , so he shouldn 't give out about Iris . ' ' I mean , dust can 't get into yer eyes - you don 't have any - and they don 't get dry , AND , you don 't have eyelids anyway , so you shouldn 't give out about Iris . She blinks just as much as me , AND , she 's probaly just shocked to see a talking , walking , dead man . ' ' Valkyrie pointed out , going on to sing dead man walking . Iris and Valkyrie burst out laughing . ' ' Aw , no ' ' Valkyrie began ' ' It just . . I . . I . . . I swapped it for a pink one , with purple hearts and Granny 's knickers on it ! Oh ! And a pink feather ! How could I forget ? ' ' Skulduggery yelped and tore off his hat . ' ' Never , again , am I gonna let that girl mind my hat . . . ' ' Iris coughed . ' ' Remind mind me why your here again ? Actually , while your at it , you COULD explain what he 's doin here . Only if you mind of course . ' ' Iris clicked Twilight boy . ' ' Well ya see . . . there 's a New Guy in town ' ' Skuluduggery said . ' ' He 's rounding up a load of assains , we think , he 's a starter , and he 's trying to get the best . Though , he has to work up to it . . Now he only has stupid beginners , tryin ' to try their luck . he 's not doing well . He 's calls himself the Godmother . I know . Pathetic . ' ' ' ' We 're not sure , we can 't link it up yet . . . his killings so far include - A priest , A schoolteacher , a Guard , and , a hairdresser . Attempted - Retired couple - Old women hit the fella with a frying pan . A model . You . And a few bloggers . ' ' He grabbed her leg , twisting it and bending it , while making a grab for her hair and pulling . Isabella screamed in agony , making a clumsy attempt at a punch . He dropped her leg , but kept a firm grip on her hair . He got her in a headlock , and pressed the razor against her neck . He glanced at the bent over figure of Sanguine . ' ' Oh ' ' Dragona said . ' ' Sorry mate ' ' He punched him in the stomach , and Sanguine groaned . Michael Kohlhaas was a nice person . He loved justice and tried everything to achieve it , whether it was for him or for others . All people who knew him would have described him as a good friend , a reliable , honest and nice person , and there was no one who had something bad to tell about him . When his family died , everyone felt sorry for him . The funeral was visited by everyone around town , and the graves and gravestones were probably the most beautiful one could find on his cities graveyard . Kohlhaas had spent all of his money for them , telling everyone who asked that he wanted his family to have the most beautiful place possible for eternity . Michael Kohlhaas felt uncomfortable . The main reason for this was the fact that he was sitting in a tree . For about three hours by now . At night . In front of someone else 's house . Looking through the windows . But he had made a decision . With no other way left , he himself had to fight for justice . He looked at a small bag he held in his hands . It was merely as big as a tennis ball , and a sparkler looked out of it . He lit the sparkler , and threw the bag at the man behind the windows . It crashed through the window and , by now a ball of fire and melted iron , hit his head , burning right into it . The man didn 't have enough time to scream before he died , but died with no sound at all . His body lit the carpet , the carpet lit the furniture , and soon the whole house was on fire . By this time , Kohlhaas had reached the end of the street , and standing there he called the fire brigade . The first few days Kohlhaas worried that the police would find him . But days went by , and no one even mentioned the murder , and no one seemed to know that he had died . Actually , officially he was missing and they suspected him that he had burned down his house himself . " No body , no murder . " Kohlhaas thought . Only problem was , he had no idea where the body had gone . " As I said when I called you : We 're finished . Here 's the key . . . I wish you a nice day ! " The police officer gave a small smile and left , leaving Kohlhaas all alone on the stairs . They had been searching for a clue of the murderer 's identity for two months . Some pieces were still in their labs . But now they had returned most of his furniture , cleaned , and he was again allowed to enter his house . Only problem was : He didn 't want to . The last time he had opened this door . . . all the blood . . . their faces . . . He pushed away the memories with all his force . " The only thing we have to be afraid of is fear itself . " he mumbled as he pushed the key in the lock and opened the door . Kohlhaas ran to the bathroom and said goodbye to his breakfast . His stomach had just calmed down again , when the doorbell rang . He stood up , wiped his mouth and left to open the door . But it was noone there . He was just about to close the door , when he saw the small envelope on the door mat . He picked it up , then looked around again : still no one there . So he closed the door and went into the kitchen . . . well , the room the kitchen had been in . The cupboards were open and empty , the table and chairs filled with boxes . He sighed , freed a chair , took it over to the worktop , sat down on the worktop and put his feet on the chair . Then he opened the envelope , which had nothing written on it , curious about its content . The letter was written in a strange , old looking , beautiful handwriting , and with black ink . The paper was heavy and seemed as well old as precious , and it smelled like a sunny summer 's day . Now he was really wondering about it : that was probably the most perfect letter he had ever seen , and he knew that he didn 't know a person writing letters like this one . He started to read : first of all , I want to express my sincere condolences . Although we don 't know each other , I heard only good things about you and your family . Also , I once met your wife and was deeply impressed by her beauty , intelligence and talent . Her death , as well as the death of her daughter , is a tragic loss for our society . From all I 've heard , neither you nor they did anything to deserve this fate . That 's why I decided myself to help you . You surely already wondered about where the body did vanish to - yes , I know you killed him , and no , I won 't tell anyone , since I deeply appreciate what you did : he always was a disgrace for our society . Anyways : I cleaned your mess up . Know you probably wait for my requirements . Well , I don 't have any . I demand nothing . I just want to help you . Yes , I know , this sounds too good to be true . And why should you trust someone you never heard of and who only wrote this letter for you ? To show you that I 'm honest with you , I 'll share my information : You guessed right about him being the man who hired killers to kill your family . You weren 't his first victim , but luckily you 're his last . The revenge you take was also a revenge for five further families : a lawyer 's , a policeman 's , and a judge 's , who all made the same mistake as you : Trying to sentence him . But he also took revenge on the families of a postman who woke him for a neighbour 's packet , and the family of a driver who made a scratch in his car . As you can see , his death is a good thing . But you probably knew that he deserved death , even though I 'm fairly sure you didn 't know the whole extent of his depravity . But now to what you probably didn 't know : he wasn 't working on his own . He was part of a network of heinous men , who are part of all classes of society : from gardeners , butchers and butlers over business men , bankers and directors all the way up to high ranking politicians and judges . You probably noticed how impossible it was to sue one of them : There was always at least one of them in your way . You might wonder why I 'm telling you about them . Why would someone write a letter to a stranger , especially if it 's about a highly dangerous , secret group ? I 'll tell you why : I need your help . For years I tried to hunt those men down for what they did to me - my fate isn 't that different from yours - and although I had success with doing so for a few years , they became cautious with me being around . More and more , sueing , discrediting , disempowering and yes , sometimes even killing them became difficult . They know my way of thinking , of working , of trapping them . And therefore , they see my next step coming , are aware as soon as I am around , and are pretty much out of my reach . But now you came along , and you managed to kill one of them in your first attempt : something no one has managed before . That 's why I 'm asking you to help me : I need you to kill some of them . Of course we will concentrate on getting the heads , that 's my part . I 'll deliver you the information you need , hoping that you 'll get to kill them . You don 't have to care if it 's messy or of getting rid of the body , that , too , is my part of the work . Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . I know you killed him - Who 's " I " ? - I won 't tell anyone - should be glad about that , right ? - I demand nothing . I just want to help you . - As if . Nobody just wants to help . Never . Too good to be true fit 's perfectly . - Giving me information to make me trust you ? Ts . And you can keep your asking for help to yourself , too . - Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . - course that 's what you need me to do : it 's the dirty part of it ! - Telling me about other victims and a " network " to motivate me ? Won 't work this way . - Cleaned your mess - true , and probably the best reason to work with you . But I 'll be the one choosing the conditions . Kohlhaas smiled , and took a scissors . " If someone gives you two ways to choose from , take the third one . " he thought , grinning . And with that , he cut the letter in two halves . He then took one of the halves and wrote on its back " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " and put it back in the envelope . He then placed the envelope on his door mat . Still grinning , he returned to the kitchen and burned the second half in front of his window . " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " he read . A smile played across his face . And he started to prepare the next envelope . He smiled . She sighed . But she didn 't have a choice . She took the envelope and left his hideout . It was a good hideout . . . even she wouldn 't know where it was . The moment you left it you forgot it . . . except you were him , of course . It was really easy to put the envelope on the door mat . This Kohlhaas wasn 't exactly observant . She rang the doorbell and hid in a tree next to the street . The doorbell rang . Kohlhaas woke up , sighed , and walked to the front door , still in his pj . He opened the door , wondering who 'd visit him that early , and expecting a postman . No one was there . But another envelope lay on his doormat , bigger than the last one . " Didn 't think whoever would do that . " Kohlhaas mumbled . 300 000 . And a name , address , hobbies , daily routine and other information on his victim . And a letter giving him one week to come up with a plan . She threw the powder in the air , created a small wind and , as soon as it had created a small cloud of the powder , closed her eyes and set it on fire . The light flashed like a lightning and remembered her why she had chosen this place for practicing . High trees surrounded the small clearing she was standing in , making sure that no one from the 30min of walking away town would see her . She grinned : it had worked out just the way she wanted it to . Next she took another powder , and did the same , but this time she walked away from the cloud and only lit it being at a safe distance : it exploded . Now she grinned even more . Last thing she did was taking some water and a battery to separate oxygen and hydrogen , caught the hydrogen in a balloon mixed with air , and . . . this time she put the balloon on the other end of the clearing before she lit it . The explosion threw her to the ground , first lit some trees and blew them out again . Aquila blinked . " Shouldn 't do that again . . . " , she mumbled , glad she hadn 't been closer to it . But the explosion had been pretty loud . . . she took her things , that were now spread all over the clearing , and left . The frog had killed him in his sleep . It hadn 't been too difficult to get one of them . But it had been quite difficult to get it into his bedroom . His bad he had the habit of having flowers in it . Kohlhaas smiled . " Let me try something . . . " Tristessa said , drawing a symbol she had just thought of . She smiled , looked at Lilith , tapped it . . . and water appeared right above Lilith , falling down on her . " Hey ! " Lilith screamed , " What did you do that for ? " " Just wanted to try it . . . " " You 're meant to find those disappearing people , not to pour water over me ! " " I know . . . but I had the idea and couldn 't resist it . . . Plus I thought it 'd lighten the mood a bit . . . " " Lighten the mood ? People keep disappearing , and it 's quite probable that they are dead ! " " Yeah , but still . . . " Lilith sighed , and Tristessa continued searching for a symbol that 'd help them . Kohlhaas picked up his weekly letter . The fifth one . By now he was quite used to them . . . and he had had his fun with some of the victims . The most comfortable thing about it was that he didn 't have to clean the mess and evidence he left . But this letter was different . . . he was meant to kidnap a young woman . From the information he got it looked like an easy thing to do . . . he only wondered why he 'd have to wear fire - proof clothes and sunglasses , and why he 'd have to catch her in a strong net . " No . . . " , Lilith was hit by a small stone . " Nope . . . " , Lilith saw everything in shades of green and blue . " And that one neither . . . " Tristessa sighed , whilst Lilith became the size of an apple . The small Lilith glared at Tristessa . " Oh , sorry . . . " and with that , Tristessa turned her back to normal . " Why do all your tries end up with something stupid happening to me ? " " Cause you 're not doing your part of the job but are only standing around , watching me . " she said , smiling . Lilith mumbled . " How am I supposed to investigate here ? That 's Germany ! I don 't understand a word of what they say ! " Tristessa sighed . " I 'm sure you know at least one German . Right ? " " Well . . . " , Lilith sighed . " See ? Now go and ask him or her for help . " " But . . . " " Lilith , I really can 't concentrate with you watching me . " Tristessa said , giving her an apologetic look . " Fine . . . " And with that , Lilith took her jacket and walked out . Aquila came back from her training . She had grown used to practice every second day , and she also always took the same way back to home . And always walked down the street that had been covered in dead zombies a few months ago . She grinned . Luckily they had actually cleaned it . . . " That was an awful lot of work you made us do there . " She spun around , only to see a young girl that seemed a bit familiar to her . " Hi . I 'm Lilith . From the wedding . " " Oh . . . hi . " Aquila answered . " I think I don 't remember your name , though . . . " Lilith continued . " Israel told me my real name is dangerous , so I didn 't tell it . . . but just call me Aquila . " It had taken him quite a while to get fire - proof clothes . But with all that money he had by now , it had been merely a matter of time . With a bit of luck the job would be finished by tomorrow . . . although he still wondered why it was that different from the ones before . Nyx mumbled angrily . " Working for Dusk becomes less fun every day . . . " " True . " Rosella answered . " But at least we get paid for sitting here . " " Yup . And Isabella visits us on a regular basis , too " Nyx said . " Just a shame we can 't talk to her . . . " They both looked at Isabella , who was standing behind a sound - proof glass , looking at them sadly . " So you 're trying to find out why they 're missing ? " , Aquila asked . " Yes , and also where they went or where they were brought to . " " You think they 're still alive ? Some people say they 're probably dead . . . " " We don 't know . " " Oh . " They fell silent for a moment . " How are you searching for them ? " , Aquila asked curiously . She had heard that those people disappeared . The police had given the information to the media , which gladly published the pictures , and everything they were able to find out about those persons . It had been close to impossible not to take notice of those 8 people , who didn 't seem connected . They came from different cities , had different jobs , knew different people . The police wasn 't sure if the cases were connected , but investigated . But a lot of other people were searching for them , too . Journalists , to be the firs ones with a brand new story . Private detectives , who were paid by the families . And others , who just wanted to become famous by finding crucial evidence . So Aquila didn 't really see what they could do that all those others couldn 't . " Tristessa , who is working with me , is trying to find a symbol that 'll be of use . And I 'm meant to search for hints at the places they went missing , as well as to listen to what people are saying . . . Problem is : I don 't understand German . " " And that 's probably why you need my help . " Aquila smiled . " Another question answered . " , she thought , before asking : " How are symbols meant to help us searching for something ? " Lilith sighed , but then she started explaining . He looked at the clearing . It was well hidden , and although he had had a description of where to find it , it had took him quite a while to do so . It was in a part of the forest no ways led to , and had probably been a quiet , wild and untouched place . But now the meadow was mowed and had some burned parts . Kohlhaas saw some hay , but most of it seemed to be in the bag she used as a target for her arrows . There were some broken branches and a fireplace surrounded with stones . Half hidden under some roots was a fox 's hole , and in one of the trees was a big nest . He wondered if the animals who had built them still lived here . " Probably not . " , he decided . Then he started to look for the best place for his trap . Isabella decided she had heard enough . Lilith 'd get Aquila 's help . That wasn 't a problem . Kohlhaas was probably the least suspicious person of this whole region - they wouldn 't hear anything bad about him . And she , together with the other people who had to clean the mess Kohlhaas tended to leave behind , had been very careful not to be seen . It actually wasn 't a problem for them that Aquila 'd help Lilith . It was perfect . Everything seemed to work out just fine . " At least for him . " , Isabella thought angrily . " He 's not the one who 's got to sit in a tree for more than half an hour , being as quiet as possible " But Lilith was a lot more difficult to follow than Kohlhaas . Isabella restrained a sigh of relieve , when they finally decided to see Tristessa ( Aquila still didn 't really understand how those symbols were meant to help them ) and left . She gave them a few minutes , than climbed out of the tree and headed off to the meeting point . " She 's the only German you know , isn 't she ? " " It 's not like I 'd be in Germany on a regular basis . And I don 't think you know that many Germans yourself , do you ? " " Well . . . not really . " " Hah ! " Aquila yawned , then lazily changed into a cat . She jumped on the windowsill and continued listening to Tristessa and Lilith . They had been discussing whether or not she 'd be a help for about an hour , and Aquila was pretty bored by now . She curled up , let the sun shine on her fur and closed her eyes , not really caring what they 'd agree to . On one hand she WAS curious what all that was about . . . but then again it 'd be a lot of work to translate about everything to Lilith . Not to mention that she wanted to continue her training and had a lot of class tests in the next few weeks . Aquila yawned again , and then acted like she was asleep , listening to the both of them . Kohlhaas looked at the clearing , pleased . The target now lay in the middle of it , a small letter pinned to it . Everything else lay in the middle , too . Broken branches and hay , mainly . He also had digged the fox hole bigger , and made it his hideout . He 'd stay in there and wait for her to come . . . and to go into his trap . But not today . She wouldn 't come today , but tomorrow . Kohlhaas left the clearing and went home to get some sleep . He 'd probably need it . Isabella followed him back to the hideout , angrily . " If I only could remember where it is ! But no , it has to be a hideout everyone but him forgets as soon as they leave it . " Knowing where it was it wouldn 't be that difficult to get her friends out . But nothing seemed to work . She had taken notes whilst being inside the hideout , but they didn 't make sense as soon as she left it . She had dropped stones whilst leaving it , but trying to follow them back they ended in the middle of nowhere . She had written down the coordinates her GPS gave her being inside the hideout , but the place they described was empty . And not the same place the stones had led her to . She had no idea left how to find it . And from the grin on his face every time he took her back to the hideout he knew it . From what she could tell , it was just impossible to find a way back to it . She also had tried to learn the way he drove her , but it seemed to always be a different way . Although that was something that was difficult to tell whilst being blindfolded . Isabella sighed . She sighed . He smiled . The spell around his hideout seemed to work perfectly . Even Isabella couldn 't tell where it was , although she was the one who came and left the most . But even better was the fact that he had tricked her into thinking that he 'd caught her friends . She did whatever he told her , whilst Nyx and Rosella wondered why someone 'd pay them for sitting in a cell a few hours a month . Kohlhaas did a good job in carrying out his orders , and everyone else was working properly , too . " Aquila ? " Lilith poked the sleeping cat . It opened an eye , than the other one , started to stretch itself and jumped to the floor , before shifting back to her human form . " What is it ? " , she asked . " We agreed on deciding it later . We 'll have to report on our progress tomorrow . Could you come here again the day after ? " " Sure . " Aquila shrugged . " That 'll be on Saturday . . . which time do you want me to be here ? " Lilith looked at Tristessa . " How about 9am ? " Tristessa nodded , and Lilith said : " At 9am . " Aquila grinned . " Already heard that the first time . " , she said , picked her things up and walked to the door . " Bye ! " She waved , and left . It was already dark by now , but her way wasn 't long . " So tomorrow I 'll learn for maths and do my training and on Saturday I 'll translate . " She sighed . Usually she 'd learn at the last moment possible . . . but since she didn 't know if she 'd have any time to learn on the weekend , she didn 't really have a choice . " Parallel , schneidend oder windschief , Stützvektor , Richtungsvektor , Faktoren . . . " Aquila sighed . She never had been able to really make herself learning for maths . All she had done was reading through some pages , and she now realized that she should look some of the things up again . Or just rely on her luck , as usual . It always worked out somehow , and she was usually slightly above average . Plus she couldn 't learn that much , even if she wanted to . Concentrating for more than half an hour was something she hardly ever managed . So she had decided to go and do a bit of training . And , more importantly , take some water in bottles to her clearing . It was summer by now , and she wasn 't really willing to get a headache from not drinking enough . But the water was heavy . . . she probably wouldn 't do much training in the end . Thanks to the dry weather of the last few days the fox hole was dry , and , except for some roots of nearby trees also empty and surprisingly clean . Also , he had hidden the earth he had taken out of it . All he 'd have to do now was waiting for her to go into his trap . But , wearing the fire - proof clothes , it was too warm to be actually comfortable . Kohlhaas just hoped she 'd turn up fast . As soon as she was able to look into the clearing she dropped the water . Someone had been here . Everything had been brought to it 's middle , and an envelope was pinned to her target . She looked around : noone was here . And there were no other traces that someone had been here . She carefully stepped out of the wood , but nothing happened . So she slowly walked over to the target with the envelope , reached for it and : the floor gave in . She tried to get hold of something , but all she managed to get a hold of was the net where all those branches and the hay had been on , making it look like solid ground . Within seconds she was completely caught up in it . And struggling only made it worse . Unfortunately she had not only dropped her water but also her bow and her knife . But maybe if she changed into a fox she could use her teeth . . . Aquila realized too late that someone was up there when she changed . And she didn 't have a chance to change back and act like nothing happened . While the man looked at her in shock , the net closed in on her , leaving her now even less space . She 'd probably squash herself if she 'd try to change back . Looking up she noticed that the man was wearing heavy and warm looking clothes and some strange - looking sunglasses . In any case , he was probably the one who set the trap up . Aquila gnarled and than started to bite at the net . But she realized within seconds that she wouldn 't manage to get through it . " Changing into a mouse or something would be of use , now . . . " Aquila thought . The man now had shaken off his surprise and started pulling her up . But he made sure to stay out of the reach of her teeth , and she didn 't have enough space to struggle . Aquila could do nothing to escape . So instead she tried to concentrate on the way . Wherever he planned to take her : she 'd make sure she 'd find her way back . Or so she thought , until he put her into the boot ² of his car . It was dark , but not completely . The bit of light that reached in was enough for her fox - eyes to see the net she was caught in . She couldn 't be bothered to try to notice where the car was driving . She wouldn 't be able to remember all the turns either way , and her biggest problem was definitely to get out of the net . Being free of the net she could just wait , as an eagle , till the man 'd open the trunk and then fly away . From the shocked expression on his face when she changed to a fox she concluded that no one had told him she could shape - shift and she was going to use that advantage . But first , she 'd have to escape the net . It was completely knotted and she didn 't really have enough space to move . . . Aquila changed into a cat . Now she was able to turn around and look at the open side of the net . . . well , the side that could be open . She had given up on trying to bite through the net , it was too stable . But she might be able to get it in order and herself out . . . Untangling a net with a cat 's paw definitely was no easy thing to do . If cats would have had the ability to sigh , Aquila would have done it . It seemed like she 'd have worked on it for hours , but still she couldn 't get out . " Next time someone catches me in a net I sure as hell won 't move . " she thought angrily . But at least there was a progress . She was just about to continue , when she realized something had changed . A moment later she had changed into a fox and laid herself down . The car had stopped . Not only on a traffic light , but it stood still , and the engine was turned off . And that probably meant . . . The trunk was opened and the man looked at her . Then he walked out of sight for a moment , but still in the net , she didn 't even try to escape . Instead she tried to look as harm - and helpless as possible . Maybe she could get him to underestimate her . For the same reason she had changed back into a fox : No need to let him know she could be a cat , too . He returned , now wearing some thick and stable looking gloves . " Wouldn 't have bit him either way . It 'd be quite stupid to make him angry , and I couldn 't escape from that net , either . " she thought . So she didn 't move when he got her out of the car , but looked around curiously . S , she read on the number plate . That meant she wasn 't too far away from home , S standing for Stuttgart . The street was just a normal street with houses on both sides . " Just your average neighbourhood , it seems . " Aquila didn 't mind that he carried her inside one of the houses , she knew what she had wanted to know . The inside of the house surprised her , though . It seemed as if the man had just moved in or was about to move out : cupboards were open with half filled boxes in front of them . He reached for a door , opened it and she saw some stairs . " The cellar ? Great . . . " Cellars usually had a lot less ways to get out . To her surprise , it should be even worse . A cage . He had a cage in his cellar , comfortable enough , though : it had a bed and a small separated room in the corner , which she suspected to be a toilet . The man opened the cage , put fox and net on the bed and looked at them . " Erm . . . Do you understand me ? " Aquila nodded . " … will you be able to get out of that net yourself ? " Aquila shook her head . The man sighed . Then he picked fox and net up again and laid them down next to the cage 's bars . He left the cage , locked it and went away , just to return with scissors . " Don 't move . " He said , and then he started to cut the net open . Aquila stayed still until he was finished and had taken his hands out of the cage , then she stood up and changed back to human . " Why did you kidnap me ? " She asked angrily . He shrugged . " They pay well . " And with that , he left her alone . Aquila looked around . She was in quite a huge cage , the bars reaching from floor to ceiling . The bars were too close to each other for a fox to get through , but . . . Aquila changed to a cat , walked up to the bars and comfortably out of the cage . Now that was just a bit too easy . All she 'd now have to do would be to get out of one of the cellars windows . Yes , they were closed right now , and yes , they were quite high above the floor , but by changing into a human both problems could be solved easily . She wouldn 't fit through them , but would be able to open one , but a shelf or something else next to it , change into a cat , climbed up the chosen part of furniture and just jump out of the window . For a quick moment she considered to do exactly that . But what use would it be ? Someone was paying this guy for kidnapping her . Yes , she 'd be able to lead her friends to him , and she was quite sure that he wouldn 't stand a chance . But it was probable that she 'd soon have someone else trying to kidnap her instead of him . And next time she might not be lucky enough to have an incompetent kidnapper like him . So , what she really needed to do was to find out who had sent him after her . She looked around . This cellar didn 't really look like a place for prisoners . Except for the cage , it was just your average cellar : Lot 's of boxes , some shelves , and everything filled with dusted items . Here , too , everything was half unpacked . All the boxes had labels telling what was in them . " Newspapers " , " Books " , " Bills " , " Wires of different kinds " , " Old electronics " , it didn 't really seem like the way someone would pack and label his or her things for moving . Besides , who 'd take old newspapers , single socks , diverse pieces of wood or broken ceramics with them when moving ? And then she found a small box , labelled " diaries and photo albums " . Aquila changed to human and grinned . Just what she needed . She 'd look through them until it was dark outside , hopefully being able to find out who had paid him to kidnap her . And then she 'd leave in the cover of tN Aquila awoke . There were footsteps on the stairs , so she hurried to hide the diary under her pillow . Then she walked up at the bars at the other end of the cage , close to the stairs . She didn 't want to be caught with it . Kohlhaas came down the stairs and stopped in front of the cage , just out of her reach . He was holding a plate in one , and a bottle of water in his other hand . " It 's time for breakfast . " he said . Aquila barely managed not to swear . Apparently she had not only fallen asleep , but also slept all of the night . Now she 'd either have to wait another half day , or risk running through his garden ( as a cat ) at day . She didn 't like either thought , but now it was too late , she had already overslept in the worst conditions she could think of . She held back a sigh , and looked at the plate . Bread with butter . She didn 't like butter . This time , she allowed herself to sigh , but still took bottle and the plate , which barely fit through the bars , mumbled a thanks and sat down on her bed . Tristessa and Lilith reached had been waiting for a whole hour . " We said nine , didn 't we ? " , Lilith asked , for the third time by now . Tristessa didn 't bother to answer , but instead said : " Maybe she just forgot . . . " " I doubt she did . " " Too . " They waited another few minutes , and then decided to go and look for her . Looking for someone whose name you don 't know , in a country which 's language you don 't speak isn 't an easy thing to do . Lilith and Tristessa had tried , but after an hour of asking people they had gotten nothing but weird looks and some mumbling behind their backs when they walked away . Aquila finished reading the diary . It seemed as if that guy at least had some reason to be angry . After all , his family had been killed . But that still wasn 't a reason to go around and kill others , at least not in her opinion . Since the diary had been full after his first murder , Aquila didn 't know if he was actually responsible for all the other missing people , as well . But it seemed probable . She doubted it 'd be easy to get his current diary , and besides she was already late , Lilith and Tristessa would now either be worried or think she forgot . Or changed her opinion . In any case , she was late . And she didn 't see a point in being more late . Yes , there was a chance that there 'd be a better kidnapper the next time , but that one only gave her bread with butter . . . Aquila changed into a cat and left the cage . She changed to human , put two boxes on top of each other , climbed them and opened the window . Then she changed back into a cat . She had been practicing to jump . She knew a cat should be able to jump high enough . But still , she had to get rid of a picture of herself , jumping face - first into a wall . Aquila - cat shook her head , then jumped on the boxes and for the window . On her first try she only reached out of it with her front legs , and hadn 't be able to climb out , but the second time she managed to jump out of it . She looked around the garden , decided to leave it on the front side , since the fences around it seemed quite high , and did so . She made sure to get some corners between herself and the house before she hid behind a car and changed back into a human . Then she realized she didn 't have any money on her , so she wouldn 't be able to buy a ticket home . . . she sighed , hid again , changed back into a cat , climbed a tree , and chaAquila Felis Aquila awoke . The blanket felt a lot heavier than usual . It was difficult to move but she managed to struggle the blanket away . She looked at it but it looked just as usual . Wondering which time it was she turned to her clock and looked at it . It said 3am , but that wasn 't possible . It wasn 't dark enough . She decided to get up but her legs didn 't reach the floor . She looked at them , slowly realising that they weren 't her legs . They were a cat 's legs . Her arms didn 't look like her arms either , and turning her head she slowly realized it : She was a cat . But , of course , she couldn 't be a cat , right ? So she was dreaming . It was the only way she could be a cat . For some time she walked and jumped in her room , and she even tried to open the door , but she didn 't manage to pull the handle . After some time she decided to go back and sleep again . If sleeping in a dream was possible . She laid down on her bed and closed her eyes . Aquila awoke . She was on the top of her blanket , and the clock said it was 7am . She decided to get up and started a usual day , not remembering her dream . Aquila was walking through the forest . She loved the silence and the nature , but most of the time she was far too lazy to go outside for a walk . Although she exactly new that she 'd like it the moment she started . But this time wasn 't only special because she was on a walk , but also because she was doing it without permission . It was a winter 's day , and everything was covered in snow . She had asked her parents for permission to walk through the forest , but they didn 't give it , saying it was far too dangerous with all the snow . So Aquila had promised them not to leave the city . She hated to lie to her parents , but she couldn 't wait to see what the forest would look like . Suddenly she heard a squeak in front of her . Carefully she approached the bush it seemed to come from . There were some wild piglets , playing . While she was still watching them she heard another sound from behind her . Something like a snuffle . She slowly turned , looking at a fully grown wild boar . " You 're probably the mother " she mumbled , slowly trying to get out of the mothers way to her children , knowing that boars are pretty dangerous animals ( in fact she had been warned about them as early as in kindergarten ) . The boar started to run towards her and Aquila turned and fled . While she was running she could here the boar approach . Therefore not watching the way , she suddenly lost the ground under her feet . She had run into an abyss washed out by a river flowing at it 's ground . Still in the air she desperately waved her arms , " but of course I 'll die " , she thought , when suddenly . . . Aquila felt the air under her arms , felt the pressure of it growing bigger and bigger , and then she stopped falling and started gliding . Too afraid to do anything she didn 't move until she reached the rivers shore . Then everything faded in black . Aquila awoke . She was lying on the shore of the river , remembering a flight . " I must have hit my head " , she thought . " Nothing of this was real , obviously . Well , it 's a long way home . " Aquila started walking , and of course she didn 't tell anyone what had happened . Firstly , because she was walking through the forest without permission , and secondly , because she wasn 't hurt at all , a huge luck , making the visit of a doctor unnecessary . Aquila walked through the forest again . Spring had come and melted the snow , so she wasn 't afraid of slipping and falling anymore . " I 'll go and see this abyss " she decided , and went to see it . Filled with all the melted snow the river on its ground was a lot bigger than she remembered it to be , and a lot faster . It had overflooded its shore , now filling the whole abyss . " Lucky I didn 't fall in spring " she thought and walked on . Aquila was already on her way back when she heard something sounding like a fight . She carefully looked around the corner . A group of strange people ( strange mainly because all of them had something special like uncommon clothing , or coloured hair ) fought each other , throwing burning balls ( or so it seemed ) , using knives and swords , guns and crossbows , hand and feet . Although she didn 't know what was happening , Aquila decided not to go this way . Those people were obviously crazy . She already wanted to turn around and leave , when a guy , in the middle of the fight , saw her . He shouted and pointed at her , but , being surrounded by fighting people , he 'd need some time to get out of this . Realizing that he 'd try to catch her ( although she wasn 't too sure why ) , Aquila turned and started to run , back into the forest , away from the streets which didn 't offer a place to hide . But the forest , too , didn 't offer many hideouts . The trees hadn 't grown leaves , yet , and there were no fallen trees to hide behind . And Aquila somehow wasn 't too sure about simply standing behind a tree . But there was not much of an opportunity , so she went on , searching for a tree as big as possible . Actually she found one , and when she ran around it , she saw a fox - hole , digged between it 's roots . " But it 's too small , I 'll never fit - " Aquila heard someone , at the other side of the tree . And , without thinking about it any longer , she crawled into the fox - hole . " This fox - hole is a lot bigger than it looks " she thought , curling up inside it . She heard some steps , and then saw a pair of shoes in front of the hole . Aquila held her breath , but he walked past the hole . Slowly relaxing , she looked around , in order to see her surroundings . Maybe she just needed something to do until she was sure that he was gone , maybe she was just curious , but looking around , she saw a fox 's tail . First she was sure that there 'd be a fox in here , in the same hole she was sitting in . But her perspective didn 't fit . Seeing the tail like this , the fox would have to sit on her , and she was sure that she 'd have noticed it . Turning her head she managed to see more of the fox 's body , but not hers . It still took her some seconds to realize that she was the fox . Then she remembered the fall that wasn 't a fall , the time she thought she 'd hit her head . She remembered , finally . And still , she couldn 't believe it . But - not enough air to breathe / hit head crawling into this hole - > hallucinations , dreaming , going mad - non of her explanations did really work . " I 'll just not think about it " she decided . And , not remembering to check if the man had left , she left the fox - hole . " I knew you 'd come out within 5 minutes . " The voice of the man sounded like he 'd smile . Aquila turned , stumbled across her own legs and fell on her belly . The man was sitting on one of the tree 's roots , smiling . " So , you 're a shape shifter ? I don 't know many of your kind . " he said and jumped down to her . Aquila tried to say something , but whimpered instead . " Trying to talk ? You should change back to human , you know ? " " Like I 'd know how to do - " Aquila stopped in the middle of her sentence , realizing that she was human again . " This ? " he finished her sentence , a worried expression on his face . " Don 't tell me you don 't know . " " Erm . . . " He sighed . " You don 't know since you just discovered you 're magic , right ? " " That 's what I wanted to say , but how . . . ? " " Did I know it ? I 'm magic , too . " " And all those crazy ones , fighting on that street ? " " Too . " " So . . . " " What 's next ? " " How do you . . . " " I 'm able to see the future . " " But . . . " " That 's impossible ? Nope . I think I already proofed it . " Aquila tried to look angry , but she was far too curious to manage it properly . " So , what 's your name ? " she asked " And why were you fighting ? " I won 't tell you my real name . All magic people have three names : The given one , the chosen one and the real one . The given one is the name your parents gave you . It 's dangerous to give that one away . The chosen one is the one each of us chooses to protect the given one . " " And the real one ? " " Most people don 't now their real name and will never know it . It 's even more dangerous than the given one . " " Why ? " " I might explain this later . First we should get out of the forest . It 'll start raining . " It was only then Aquila realized that she was still sitting . She stood up and started following the man . " So , with given and real name being dangerous , what 's your chosen name ? " " My chosen name 's Israel Elysium . " " Israel , like the country ? " " You have no idea how often I have to answer this question . " Aquila grinned , but decided to be quiet for a bit . They walked back to the city and entered a small restaurant , just before the rain started . " You were right . " Aquila said . " Of course . " " So . . . what 's next ? " Israel started counting backwards : " 5 4 3 2 1 . . . " The door bell rang and a group of crazy looking people came in . It took Aquila some moments to realize that they were the same people who had fought on the street . " That . . . " " I know . " " But . . . " " No , they aren 't dangerous . " " But . . . " " Just trust me . " Aquila raised an eyebrow , but shut up . She then turned her head back to watch the group . They all looked young , none older than about 25 or 30 . And they were loud . Pretty loud . " Look at Israel ! " a man , looking about 20 , said . " He said he 'd have something to check , but I bet he just wanted to stay dry ! " " Why didn 't you tell us about the rain ? " a small girl with long , crimson hair asked . " I 'm sure he had good reasons , right ? " This girl looked about 16 . " I hope he did . We 're wet to the bones ! " another 16 year old , with long , soft brown hair said , and yet another 16 year old , but with black hair , standing beside her , nodded . A lot of ' Yes 's and ' He 'd better have good reasons 's echoed through the crowded restaurant . Aquila saw a waitress , backing away slowly to the kitchens door . She looked at Israel again , but before she could say anything he just said : „ I know . " Then he turned to the others . " You 'd better calm down , be quieter and sit down , or the waitress you just shooed away will call the police within 3 minutes . " he said . The group stared at him for about 3 seconds , and then they decided to do as he said . Aquila sat down next to Israel , the 20 year old , the three 16 year olds and the small girl sitting at the same table , looking at her . " Who 's that ? " the man asked Israel . " She 's what I had to check . " he answered . " Is there something you want to tell us ? " the guy asked . To Aquila he sounded kind of aggressive . She noticed that 16 - year - old - one kicked him under the table , before she said : " We 'd really like to know what happened . " The others nodded . Israel sighed , 6 " It 's time for me to go home . " Aquila had just looked at her watch . It was about 7pm - quite a long time for taking a walk . Any longer , and her parents might become worried . " You can 't go already . We barely had time to talk ! " Kallista said . Aquila tried not to grin : they had talked for more than two hours by now . But , since the others around the table nodded , she gave in . " Ok , I 'll stay a bit longer . But I 'll have to call my parents . " She took her mobile and dialled . After a short time someone answered the call . " Hallo Mama ! Du , ich komm erst in so ein oder zwei Stunden heim . Nur dass du dir keine Sorgen machst . " Listening to her mothers answer , Aquila looked around the table . Most of them looked pretty surprised . " Ja , ich dich auch . Bis nachher ! " She hung up the phone . Everyone was looking at her . " What language was that ? " Kallista asked . " German . " Aquila answered . " You 're a German , right ? I already wondered about your accent . " Mar said , and Aquila smiled . " Yes , I 'm a German . Did you really expect to meet an Anglophone non - German in Germany ? By chance ? " " We 're in Germany ? " Dragona said . " But the waitresses spoke English and the menus were in English , too . " " They surely heard you talking when you came in . So they already knew that you speak English and therefore talked English and brought you an English menu . " Aquila said , before realizing something else . " Hey , wait a sec . . . How comes you don 't know which country you 're in ? " she asked . " Zombies ! " she shouted , " A lot of them ! They followed me . We only have one or two minutes ! " Aquila looked at Israel . " Zombies . She 's joking , right ? " " I 'm afraid she 's serious . " he said , before calling over to her : " How many , Darkane ? " " Enough for me to run back to you lot instead of counting them ! " Darkane called back . By now , the restaurant was a chaos . People were preparing weapons , smiling , joking . No one looked worried . " This 'll be fun ! " she heard Dragona . And everyone seemed to share this opinion . Even Darkane , who seemed worried when she came in was now grinning . " Why do you like Zombies hunting ? " Aquila asked , seriously confused . " Because we like killing them . " Dragona answered , and the others around her table smiled and nodded . Aquila just shook her head . " They like killing Zombies . " she thought " I just hope that their other hobbies are a bit less dangerous . " She sighed , but no one noticed . " They 're here ! " someone said . By the time it was quite difficult to say who , since everyone was standing at the windows or the door , head outside . Except for Aquila , of course . She still couldn 't believe it : Zombies ! And the others were actually happy about it ! Now everyone was leaving the restaurant to hunt zombies . After the others had left , Aquila walked slowly to the door , looking out of it . The fight had already started . It reminded her of the first time she saw them . They were fighting with about every kind of weapon she could think of , some were even fighting without using any weapon at all . They were laughing , joking , shouting , killing . Zombies were cut , shot , ripped to pieces , they were drowned , burned , blown away . Heads , skin , blood , pieces of things she didn 't want to know what they were flew through the air . It was like seeing snapshots , all she realized were pictures . A sword , piercing through a body . Drops of blood , flying through the air . An exploding head , people , laughing whilst killing . . . Aquila felt sick . Suddenly , the impression was gone . Everything returned to normal speed , and the sounds came back . Explosions , shots , crackling fire , screams , shouts , laughter . She heard someone swear and looked around . Dragona 's guns seemed to have no munition left . He swore and turned around . Seeing her , standing in the restaurants door , he called over to her . " My swords are leaned against my chair , go and bring them to me ! " Then he continued fighting , this time with his bare hands . Aquila turned around and ran back to their table . The swords were quite easy to find , she took both of them and ran back . And , taking a deep breath , she went outside and ran towards Dragona . Everything around her was a chaos . She tried her best to evade blood and pieces , but she was covered in dirt within seconds . Luckily Dragona was only about 10m away . But even 10m seemed to be very far with all the fighting around her . Kallista jumped over her , landing on her right and punching a zombie . Its head fell off . Rosella and Nyx were fighting side by side , one distracting a zombie , the other one killing it . They seemed to have a nice chat whilst fighting . Aquila watched Mar , walking towards one of the Zombies distracted by them . She hit it on it 's head , it turned around , Mar run away and Nyx killed it with a single blow . Darkane balanced on a fence , using her sword like a scythe , mowing zombie heads like grass . Israel seemed to dance with his opponents : every time they tried to get him , he was already gone . Killing whole groups of them with his guns , which seemed to knock the Zombies over with blue waves of light , he had small hills of bodies lying around him . He wasn 't the only one . Most of them already had their own hills . So , Aquila had to walk around bodies , trying not to fall on the ground , which was slippery from blood . By the time she reached Dragona , she was really worried . As far as she knew , those people wanted to keep magic a secret . But here they were , shouting , laughing , exploding things , additionally to the streetlights lighting this alarming scenery with fire from their hands . They were leaving parts and whole bodies on the bloody street . She reached Dragona , he gave her a short smile , took his swords and continued fighting . Aquila sighed and returned to the restaurant . But she didn 't enter it . Seeing her covered in blood , the waitresses would probably call the police . Assumed they hadn 't done it already . She tried not to think about what was bound to happen , but failed . " There 's got to be a solution ! " she thought . And , suddenly , she had an idea . Twenty minutes later , the last Zombie was killed . Aquila used the short moment and started clapping . The waitresses , the cook , and the two guests who had been in the restaurant , standing next to her , looked at her for a short moment , then they , too , started clapping . By now everybody had turned to them , most looked worried . Aquila gave them a smile , then turned to the others . " Sie sind gut , nicht ? " she said . The others nodded and smiled . " Wirklich . " answered the cook , and one of the guests asked : " Wann kommt der Film ins Kino ? " " Wenn alles gut läuft : nächstes Jahr . " Aquila answer , and added : " Jetzt gibt 's eigentlich nichts mehr zu sehen , wir räumen nur noch auf . " " Dann geh ' ich mal wieder rein . " the cook said , the others agreed and followed him inside . When they were gone , Aquila turned to the others , who were still looking at her , in obvious confusion . " There is no way I am cleaning THAT up ! " Nyx said , staring at the mess of zombies . Aquila sighed . " Listen . I barely managed to keep the police away . They were just about to come when I called them , and it took me a lot to first convince them that we 're just making a movie and second to explain , how horribly sorry I am that no one warned them and that we didn 't ask for permission . Not to mention that I hate to lie . Then I had to calm those people in the restaurant down , and to convince them , too . And I even managed to keep the police from making us pay a fee . . . but only if this street returns to his old looking until 5 next morning . " A lot of ' but 's and ' won 't 's answered her . She just arched an eyebrow at them and said : " There are five people in this restaurant who saw you and are able to describe you . And there 's the police who 'll check if this mess is gone tomorrow in the morning . And they 'll surely notice that that " she pointed at some zombie parts " is no decoration . So they 'll try everything to hunt you down . Plus their investigations might reveal the existence of magic . " And with that she just turned around and left . Now it was up to them , she just wanted to get out of those blood - soaked clothes and get a shower . Aquila awoke . By now she was back to her usual life for a whole week . . . well , her usual life plus trying not to change into something . But her daily life wasn 't surprising or dangerous enough to make her change uncontrolled . Late at night she had started to learn how to change purposely . |
Chapter 1The sun shone , ricocheting off the pale stone bricks of Elysium Asylum . It 's a warm day Quinn thought as she sat in the vast gardens behind the mansion , plucking daisies from the ground . She was fashioning a daisy chain , that was already 7 meters long . However , she wanted it to be long enough to drape around the entire common room , at the very least . Next to her sat Isabella Midnight , a tall , dark , mysterious woman . Most people would have questioned why she was sat with such a small girl or why she had her hands outstretched towards the daisy chain , gently moving her hands . The more knowledgable spectator would know that she didn 't simply have her hands outstretched , but she was removing the moisture from all the daisies , to prevent them decaying . Having said that , very few would realise exactly why she was doing this . Some might assume that Isabella was in charge of caring for Quinn , or that she simply enjoyed playing with the child . However , the most observant viewer would have known that this was most certainly not the case . Perhaps it was the lack of warmth and love radiating from Isabella , or possibly the fact that her mouth was in a constant look of distaste , as if this were some torturous task that should only be done by slaves and mongrels , but the intrigued viewer would know that Isabella was not enjoying this . " I 'm hungry , " Quinn said , looking at Isabella expectantly . Isabella forced a smile , " Well , what do you want ? I 've got … muffins , and cakes … " " NO . I want a lollipop . " Isabella sighed . A lollipop , of all the things that she had , she didn 't have a lollipop . " I 'm sorry , Quinn , but … I don 't have a lollipop . " " No lollipops ? " Quinn looked at the ground sulkily . " Fine , " she stood up , picking up the daisy chain , " I 'm going inside . " " No ! Quinn , come back ! " Quinn turned around , and looked at Isabella with her wide brown eyes , that were set out on her pale skin . " Why , Isabella ? Bryony has some lollipops . Bryony always has lollipops ! " Bryony . Isabel " Miss Midnight , " Bryony said , tipping her top hat eloquently , " I don 't believe I 've had the pleasure of introducing myself . My name is Bryony Rose . " " I 've heard enough about you . " " Well . I 'll be blunt with this - I 'd appreciate it if you back off from Quinnera . " " I need her help . " " Try someone else . You 're a grown woman . You don 't need the help of a vunerable ten year old girl . " " She didn 't seem very vulnerable to me . " " Nonetheless . " Bryony smiled a charming smile . " I think you should leave her alone . And if you don 't … You 'll have me to deal with . " Isabella glared at Bryony as the red haired girl turned on her heels and walked away . " Idiot … " Isabella muttered under her breath . Suddenly a stone came flying at her , rebounding off her head and landing onto the ground . " Who ? " Isabella paused . " Bryony . Bryony and her goddamn telekinesis ! " Chapter 2The common room was rather empty , with only Octaboona sat on a particularly comfortable armchair in front of the fire . There wasn 't any reason that they had the fire during the day in the summer , apart from the fact that it looked homely . However , the flames were cold and the room was a comfortable temperature . Quinn loved the smell of the books that were piled everywhere around the room - on tables , chairs , the mantlepiece , hanging off the chandelier - but most certainly not on a bookshelf . Bookshelves were too enclosed , and didn 't let you see the beautiful yellow pages , or the entirety of the hand bound leather covers . Quinn had read all of the books here at least twice , having lived in the Asylum for around 8 years . There was very little company of her own age , so Quinn had spent the majority of her time in the common room or the library - leafing through whichever book took her fancy . She 'd begun on books such as Tobias and the Super Spooky Ghost Book and A Home For Mr Tipps . But she quickly outgrew these and moved onto other books , like the stories of Skulduggery Pleasant . She admired Mr Pleasant and MissQuinn sat on Octa 's lap , happily sucking a lollipop whilst reading over his shoulder . She was finding the mysteries of the Empire Quetzal Acratoon very fascinating ( for the fifth time ) and she hoped to visit there sometime in the future . She dreamed of being quite the traveller . She supposed that she could find out whatever she was going to be in the future , being a sensitive . But surprisingly , she actually had very little interest in the future . Quinn thought that knowing the future could flatten dreams , and if there was anything she loved more , it was dreaming . The old man closed the old book and turned to face Quinn . " Quinnera … " " Yes , Octa ? " Quinn looked at him wide - eyed . " Is it necessary to create such a fuss when you are asked about the future ? People are only requesting , they do not realise that you don 't like to give away such amounts of knowledge . Wouldn 't a simple ' no ' suffice ? " " But Octa … People don 't listen to me if I say no . They keep asking . " Octaboona sighed . On top of hot tempered , she was also very stubborn . " Just try , Quinnera . " Quinn rested her head on Octa 's purple robes , " Whatever you say , Octa . " Soon enough , Quinn drifted off to sleep , so Octaboona continued with his book , leaving the resting child on his shoulder . Quinn had a terrible nightmare . It began on a beach , at midnight . The sand was pale and reflected the white light of the moon overhead . The ocean was a deep , dark blue , pushing and pulling , in and out of the shore . There was a figure sat at the convergence between the sand and the sea , her face covered in a cloak ; she was looking out to the ocean watching the fireflies play above the misty blue depths , her face stained with tears . Her soft brown hair curtained her face , and she was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs . Everything was quiet , except from the gentle roar of the ocean . Behind her was a small stone building , a little library . And as Quinn looked back at the woman , she noticed that by her was a small book , purple , leather bound , with words embossed on it in a gold , flowery print . ' The Sound of Silence . ' Everything was incredibly vivid , more vivid than Quinn would 've liked . She could smell the saltiness of the air , and the faint scent of the woman 's perfume . " I know you 're there , " the woman said suddenly , " You don 't need to hide from me . " A boy stepped out from behind the library , his electric blue eyes piercing the twilight . " Gepard Valk , " she spat , " What are you doing here ? " She shot up , reaching under her cloak . " Tristessa Murano , " he smiled awkwardly , " What exactly were you waiting for ? " " Not a little boy . That 's for certain , " she smiled , " This is going to be easier than I thought . " She stepped forward , pushing him towards the building until his black hair was touching the limestone bricks . An extreme sense of fear passed through his young looking face . " Who sent you here ? " her amethyst eyes bore into his . " No one . " " Liar . " " I 'm not . " " Who sent you here ? " " Nobody , " He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his head . " What are you doing ? " He cried out in agony . " I want to know who sent you here , " She was touching the hem of her cloak , which had intricate symbols embroidered on the edges . He winced in pain , but kept his mouth firmly shut . " Fine , " she reached beneath her cloak , and pulled out her only weapon , a small golden dagger . " Tell me , " she said , pressing the blade against his neck . The boy kept his mouth closed . " If I move this even a millimetre further into the neck , I 'll cut the carotid artery , and you 'll be dead within minutes , " she hissed into his ear , " so tell me . " " No . " " Hello Miss BlackFlower " He began in a nasal voice , " I 'm just gonna take you away , with me now . " The boy sneered . " So you just stand still - " Iris quickly lashed out with her foot . The boy keeled over , cluchting his ribs . Skulduggery was about to start again , about Iris blinking when Valkyrie pointed out that Skulduggery didn 't NEED to blink , he couldn 't , so he shouldn 't give out about Iris . ' ' I mean , dust can 't get into yer eyes - you don 't have any - and they don 't get dry , AND , you don 't have eyelids anyway , so you shouldn 't give out about Iris . She blinks just as much as me , AND , she 's probaly just shocked to see a talking , walking , dead man . ' ' Valkyrie pointed out , going on to sing dead man walking . Iris and Valkyrie burst out laughing . ' ' Aw , no ' ' Valkyrie began ' ' It just . . I . . I . . . I swapped it for a pink one , with purple hearts and Granny 's knickers on it ! Oh ! And a pink feather ! How could I forget ? ' ' Skulduggery yelped and tore off his hat . ' ' Never , again , am I gonna let that girl mind my hat . . . ' ' Iris coughed . ' ' Remind mind me why your here again ? Actually , while your at it , you COULD explain what he 's doin here . Only if you mind of course . ' ' Iris clicked Twilight boy . ' ' Well ya see . . . there 's a New Guy in town ' ' Skuluduggery said . ' ' He 's rounding up a load of assains , we think , he 's a starter , and he 's trying to get the best . Though , he has to work up to it . . Now he only has stupid beginners , tryin ' to try their luck . he 's not doing well . He 's calls himself the Godmother . I know . Pathetic . ' ' ' ' We 're not sure , we can 't link it up yet . . . his killings so far include - A priest , A schoolteacher , a Guard , and , a hairdresser . Attempted - Retired couple - Old women hit the fella with a frying pan . A model . You . And a few bloggers . ' ' He grabbed her leg , twisting it and bending it , while making a grab for her hair and pulling . Isabella screamed in agony , making a clumsy attempt at a punch . He dropped her leg , but kept a firm grip on her hair . He got her in a headlock , and pressed the razor against her neck . He glanced at the bent over figure of Sanguine . ' ' Oh ' ' Dragona said . ' ' Sorry mate ' ' He punched him in the stomach , and Sanguine groaned . Michael Kohlhaas was a nice person . He loved justice and tried everything to achieve it , whether it was for him or for others . All people who knew him would have described him as a good friend , a reliable , honest and nice person , and there was no one who had something bad to tell about him . When his family died , everyone felt sorry for him . The funeral was visited by everyone around town , and the graves and gravestones were probably the most beautiful one could find on his cities graveyard . Kohlhaas had spent all of his money for them , telling everyone who asked that he wanted his family to have the most beautiful place possible for eternity . Michael Kohlhaas felt uncomfortable . The main reason for this was the fact that he was sitting in a tree . For about three hours by now . At night . In front of someone else 's house . Looking through the windows . But he had made a decision . With no other way left , he himself had to fight for justice . He looked at a small bag he held in his hands . It was merely as big as a tennis ball , and a sparkler looked out of it . He lit the sparkler , and threw the bag at the man behind the windows . It crashed through the window and , by now a ball of fire and melted iron , hit his head , burning right into it . The man didn 't have enough time to scream before he died , but died with no sound at all . His body lit the carpet , the carpet lit the furniture , and soon the whole house was on fire . By this time , Kohlhaas had reached the end of the street , and standing there he called the fire brigade . The first few days Kohlhaas worried that the police would find him . But days went by , and no one even mentioned the murder , and no one seemed to know that he had died . Actually , officially he was missing and they suspected him that he had burned down his house himself . " No body , no murder . " Kohlhaas thought . Only problem was , he had no idea where the body had gone . " As I said when I called you : We 're finished . Here 's the key . . . I wish you a nice day ! " The police officer gave a small smile and left , leaving Kohlhaas all alone on the stairs . They had been searching for a clue of the murderer 's identity for two months . Some pieces were still in their labs . But now they had returned most of his furniture , cleaned , and he was again allowed to enter his house . Only problem was : He didn 't want to . The last time he had opened this door . . . all the blood . . . their faces . . . He pushed away the memories with all his force . " The only thing we have to be afraid of is fear itself . " he mumbled as he pushed the key in the lock and opened the door . Kohlhaas ran to the bathroom and said goodbye to his breakfast . His stomach had just calmed down again , when the doorbell rang . He stood up , wiped his mouth and left to open the door . But it was noone there . He was just about to close the door , when he saw the small envelope on the door mat . He picked it up , then looked around again : still no one there . So he closed the door and went into the kitchen . . . well , the room the kitchen had been in . The cupboards were open and empty , the table and chairs filled with boxes . He sighed , freed a chair , took it over to the worktop , sat down on the worktop and put his feet on the chair . Then he opened the envelope , which had nothing written on it , curious about its content . The letter was written in a strange , old looking , beautiful handwriting , and with black ink . The paper was heavy and seemed as well old as precious , and it smelled like a sunny summer 's day . Now he was really wondering about it : that was probably the most perfect letter he had ever seen , and he knew that he didn 't know a person writing letters like this one . He started to read : first of all , I want to express my sincere condolences . Although we don 't know each other , I heard only good things about you and your family . Also , I once met your wife and was deeply impressed by her beauty , intelligence and talent . Her death , as well as the death of her daughter , is a tragic loss for our society . From all I 've heard , neither you nor they did anything to deserve this fate . That 's why I decided myself to help you . You surely already wondered about where the body did vanish to - yes , I know you killed him , and no , I won 't tell anyone , since I deeply appreciate what you did : he always was a disgrace for our society . Anyways : I cleaned your mess up . Know you probably wait for my requirements . Well , I don 't have any . I demand nothing . I just want to help you . Yes , I know , this sounds too good to be true . And why should you trust someone you never heard of and who only wrote this letter for you ? To show you that I 'm honest with you , I 'll share my information : You guessed right about him being the man who hired killers to kill your family . You weren 't his first victim , but luckily you 're his last . The revenge you take was also a revenge for five further families : a lawyer 's , a policeman 's , and a judge 's , who all made the same mistake as you : Trying to sentence him . But he also took revenge on the families of a postman who woke him for a neighbour 's packet , and the family of a driver who made a scratch in his car . As you can see , his death is a good thing . But you probably knew that he deserved death , even though I 'm fairly sure you didn 't know the whole extent of his depravity . But now to what you probably didn 't know : he wasn 't working on his own . He was part of a network of heinous men , who are part of all classes of society : from gardeners , butchers and butlers over business men , bankers and directors all the way up to high ranking politicians and judges . You probably noticed how impossible it was to sue one of them : There was always at least one of them in your way . You might wonder why I 'm telling you about them . Why would someone write a letter to a stranger , especially if it 's about a highly dangerous , secret group ? I 'll tell you why : I need your help . For years I tried to hunt those men down for what they did to me - my fate isn 't that different from yours - and although I had success with doing so for a few years , they became cautious with me being around . More and more , sueing , discrediting , disempowering and yes , sometimes even killing them became difficult . They know my way of thinking , of working , of trapping them . And therefore , they see my next step coming , are aware as soon as I am around , and are pretty much out of my reach . But now you came along , and you managed to kill one of them in your first attempt : something no one has managed before . That 's why I 'm asking you to help me : I need you to kill some of them . Of course we will concentrate on getting the heads , that 's my part . I 'll deliver you the information you need , hoping that you 'll get to kill them . You don 't have to care if it 's messy or of getting rid of the body , that , too , is my part of the work . Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . I know you killed him - Who 's " I " ? - I won 't tell anyone - should be glad about that , right ? - I demand nothing . I just want to help you . - As if . Nobody just wants to help . Never . Too good to be true fit 's perfectly . - Giving me information to make me trust you ? Ts . And you can keep your asking for help to yourself , too . - Only thing I need you to do is to plan and carry out the murder itself . - course that 's what you need me to do : it 's the dirty part of it ! - Telling me about other victims and a " network " to motivate me ? Won 't work this way . - Cleaned your mess - true , and probably the best reason to work with you . But I 'll be the one choosing the conditions . Kohlhaas smiled , and took a scissors . " If someone gives you two ways to choose from , take the third one . " he thought , grinning . And with that , he cut the letter in two halves . He then took one of the halves and wrote on its back " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " and put it back in the envelope . He then placed the envelope on his door mat . Still grinning , he returned to the kitchen and burned the second half in front of his window . " If you want me to be your assassin , pay me as one . " he read . A smile played across his face . And he started to prepare the next envelope . He smiled . She sighed . But she didn 't have a choice . She took the envelope and left his hideout . It was a good hideout . . . even she wouldn 't know where it was . The moment you left it you forgot it . . . except you were him , of course . It was really easy to put the envelope on the door mat . This Kohlhaas wasn 't exactly observant . She rang the doorbell and hid in a tree next to the street . The doorbell rang . Kohlhaas woke up , sighed , and walked to the front door , still in his pj . He opened the door , wondering who 'd visit him that early , and expecting a postman . No one was there . But another envelope lay on his doormat , bigger than the last one . " Didn 't think whoever would do that . " Kohlhaas mumbled . 300 000 . And a name , address , hobbies , daily routine and other information on his victim . And a letter giving him one week to come up with a plan . She threw the powder in the air , created a small wind and , as soon as it had created a small cloud of the powder , closed her eyes and set it on fire . The light flashed like a lightning and remembered her why she had chosen this place for practicing . High trees surrounded the small clearing she was standing in , making sure that no one from the 30min of walking away town would see her . She grinned : it had worked out just the way she wanted it to . Next she took another powder , and did the same , but this time she walked away from the cloud and only lit it being at a safe distance : it exploded . Now she grinned even more . Last thing she did was taking some water and a battery to separate oxygen and hydrogen , caught the hydrogen in a balloon mixed with air , and . . . this time she put the balloon on the other end of the clearing before she lit it . The explosion threw her to the ground , first lit some trees and blew them out again . Aquila blinked . " Shouldn 't do that again . . . " , she mumbled , glad she hadn 't been closer to it . But the explosion had been pretty loud . . . she took her things , that were now spread all over the clearing , and left . The frog had killed him in his sleep . It hadn 't been too difficult to get one of them . But it had been quite difficult to get it into his bedroom . His bad he had the habit of having flowers in it . Kohlhaas smiled . " Let me try something . . . " Tristessa said , drawing a symbol she had just thought of . She smiled , looked at Lilith , tapped it . . . and water appeared right above Lilith , falling down on her . " Hey ! " Lilith screamed , " What did you do that for ? " " Just wanted to try it . . . " " You 're meant to find those disappearing people , not to pour water over me ! " " I know . . . but I had the idea and couldn 't resist it . . . Plus I thought it 'd lighten the mood a bit . . . " " Lighten the mood ? People keep disappearing , and it 's quite probable that they are dead ! " " Yeah , but still . . . " Lilith sighed , and Tristessa continued searching for a symbol that 'd help them . Kohlhaas picked up his weekly letter . The fifth one . By now he was quite used to them . . . and he had had his fun with some of the victims . The most comfortable thing about it was that he didn 't have to clean the mess and evidence he left . But this letter was different . . . he was meant to kidnap a young woman . From the information he got it looked like an easy thing to do . . . he only wondered why he 'd have to wear fire - proof clothes and sunglasses , and why he 'd have to catch her in a strong net . " No . . . " , Lilith was hit by a small stone . " Nope . . . " , Lilith saw everything in shades of green and blue . " And that one neither . . . " Tristessa sighed , whilst Lilith became the size of an apple . The small Lilith glared at Tristessa . " Oh , sorry . . . " and with that , Tristessa turned her back to normal . " Why do all your tries end up with something stupid happening to me ? " " Cause you 're not doing your part of the job but are only standing around , watching me . " she said , smiling . Lilith mumbled . " How am I supposed to investigate here ? That 's Germany ! I don 't understand a word of what they say ! " Tristessa sighed . " I 'm sure you know at least one German . Right ? " " Well . . . " , Lilith sighed . " See ? Now go and ask him or her for help . " " But . . . " " Lilith , I really can 't concentrate with you watching me . " Tristessa said , giving her an apologetic look . " Fine . . . " And with that , Lilith took her jacket and walked out . Aquila came back from her training . She had grown used to practice every second day , and she also always took the same way back to home . And always walked down the street that had been covered in dead zombies a few months ago . She grinned . Luckily they had actually cleaned it . . . " That was an awful lot of work you made us do there . " She spun around , only to see a young girl that seemed a bit familiar to her . " Hi . I 'm Lilith . From the wedding . " " Oh . . . hi . " Aquila answered . " I think I don 't remember your name , though . . . " Lilith continued . " Israel told me my real name is dangerous , so I didn 't tell it . . . but just call me Aquila . " It had taken him quite a while to get fire - proof clothes . But with all that money he had by now , it had been merely a matter of time . With a bit of luck the job would be finished by tomorrow . . . although he still wondered why it was that different from the ones before . Nyx mumbled angrily . " Working for Dusk becomes less fun every day . . . " " True . " Rosella answered . " But at least we get paid for sitting here . " " Yup . And Isabella visits us on a regular basis , too " Nyx said . " Just a shame we can 't talk to her . . . " They both looked at Isabella , who was standing behind a sound - proof glass , looking at them sadly . " So you 're trying to find out why they 're missing ? " , Aquila asked . " Yes , and also where they went or where they were brought to . " " You think they 're still alive ? Some people say they 're probably dead . . . " " We don 't know . " " Oh . " They fell silent for a moment . " How are you searching for them ? " , Aquila asked curiously . She had heard that those people disappeared . The police had given the information to the media , which gladly published the pictures , and everything they were able to find out about those persons . It had been close to impossible not to take notice of those 8 people , who didn 't seem connected . They came from different cities , had different jobs , knew different people . The police wasn 't sure if the cases were connected , but investigated . But a lot of other people were searching for them , too . Journalists , to be the firs ones with a brand new story . Private detectives , who were paid by the families . And others , who just wanted to become famous by finding crucial evidence . So Aquila didn 't really see what they could do that all those others couldn 't . " Tristessa , who is working with me , is trying to find a symbol that 'll be of use . And I 'm meant to search for hints at the places they went missing , as well as to listen to what people are saying . . . Problem is : I don 't understand German . " " And that 's probably why you need my help . " Aquila smiled . " Another question answered . " , she thought , before asking : " How are symbols meant to help us searching for something ? " Lilith sighed , but then she started explaining . He looked at the clearing . It was well hidden , and although he had had a description of where to find it , it had took him quite a while to do so . It was in a part of the forest no ways led to , and had probably been a quiet , wild and untouched place . But now the meadow was mowed and had some burned parts . Kohlhaas saw some hay , but most of it seemed to be in the bag she used as a target for her arrows . There were some broken branches and a fireplace surrounded with stones . Half hidden under some roots was a fox 's hole , and in one of the trees was a big nest . He wondered if the animals who had built them still lived here . " Probably not . " , he decided . Then he started to look for the best place for his trap . Isabella decided she had heard enough . Lilith 'd get Aquila 's help . That wasn 't a problem . Kohlhaas was probably the least suspicious person of this whole region - they wouldn 't hear anything bad about him . And she , together with the other people who had to clean the mess Kohlhaas tended to leave behind , had been very careful not to be seen . It actually wasn 't a problem for them that Aquila 'd help Lilith . It was perfect . Everything seemed to work out just fine . " At least for him . " , Isabella thought angrily . " He 's not the one who 's got to sit in a tree for more than half an hour , being as quiet as possible " But Lilith was a lot more difficult to follow than Kohlhaas . Isabella restrained a sigh of relieve , when they finally decided to see Tristessa ( Aquila still didn 't really understand how those symbols were meant to help them ) and left . She gave them a few minutes , than climbed out of the tree and headed off to the meeting point . " She 's the only German you know , isn 't she ? " " It 's not like I 'd be in Germany on a regular basis . And I don 't think you know that many Germans yourself , do you ? " " Well . . . not really . " " Hah ! " Aquila yawned , then lazily changed into a cat . She jumped on the windowsill and continued listening to Tristessa and Lilith . They had been discussing whether or not she 'd be a help for about an hour , and Aquila was pretty bored by now . She curled up , let the sun shine on her fur and closed her eyes , not really caring what they 'd agree to . On one hand she WAS curious what all that was about . . . but then again it 'd be a lot of work to translate about everything to Lilith . Not to mention that she wanted to continue her training and had a lot of class tests in the next few weeks . Aquila yawned again , and then acted like she was asleep , listening to the both of them . Kohlhaas looked at the clearing , pleased . The target now lay in the middle of it , a small letter pinned to it . Everything else lay in the middle , too . Broken branches and hay , mainly . He also had digged the fox hole bigger , and made it his hideout . He 'd stay in there and wait for her to come . . . and to go into his trap . But not today . She wouldn 't come today , but tomorrow . Kohlhaas left the clearing and went home to get some sleep . He 'd probably need it . Isabella followed him back to the hideout , angrily . " If I only could remember where it is ! But no , it has to be a hideout everyone but him forgets as soon as they leave it . " Knowing where it was it wouldn 't be that difficult to get her friends out . But nothing seemed to work . She had taken notes whilst being inside the hideout , but they didn 't make sense as soon as she left it . She had dropped stones whilst leaving it , but trying to follow them back they ended in the middle of nowhere . She had written down the coordinates her GPS gave her being inside the hideout , but the place they described was empty . And not the same place the stones had led her to . She had no idea left how to find it . And from the grin on his face every time he took her back to the hideout he knew it . From what she could tell , it was just impossible to find a way back to it . She also had tried to learn the way he drove her , but it seemed to always be a different way . Although that was something that was difficult to tell whilst being blindfolded . Isabella sighed . She sighed . He smiled . The spell around his hideout seemed to work perfectly . Even Isabella couldn 't tell where it was , although she was the one who came and left the most . But even better was the fact that he had tricked her into thinking that he 'd caught her friends . She did whatever he told her , whilst Nyx and Rosella wondered why someone 'd pay them for sitting in a cell a few hours a month . Kohlhaas did a good job in carrying out his orders , and everyone else was working properly , too . " Aquila ? " Lilith poked the sleeping cat . It opened an eye , than the other one , started to stretch itself and jumped to the floor , before shifting back to her human form . " What is it ? " , she asked . " We agreed on deciding it later . We 'll have to report on our progress tomorrow . Could you come here again the day after ? " " Sure . " Aquila shrugged . " That 'll be on Saturday . . . which time do you want me to be here ? " Lilith looked at Tristessa . " How about 9am ? " Tristessa nodded , and Lilith said : " At 9am . " Aquila grinned . " Already heard that the first time . " , she said , picked her things up and walked to the door . " Bye ! " She waved , and left . It was already dark by now , but her way wasn 't long . " So tomorrow I 'll learn for maths and do my training and on Saturday I 'll translate . " She sighed . Usually she 'd learn at the last moment possible . . . but since she didn 't know if she 'd have any time to learn on the weekend , she didn 't really have a choice . " Parallel , schneidend oder windschief , Stützvektor , Richtungsvektor , Faktoren . . . " Aquila sighed . She never had been able to really make herself learning for maths . All she had done was reading through some pages , and she now realized that she should look some of the things up again . Or just rely on her luck , as usual . It always worked out somehow , and she was usually slightly above average . Plus she couldn 't learn that much , even if she wanted to . Concentrating for more than half an hour was something she hardly ever managed . So she had decided to go and do a bit of training . And , more importantly , take some water in bottles to her clearing . It was summer by now , and she wasn 't really willing to get a headache from not drinking enough . But the water was heavy . . . she probably wouldn 't do much training in the end . Thanks to the dry weather of the last few days the fox hole was dry , and , except for some roots of nearby trees also empty and surprisingly clean . Also , he had hidden the earth he had taken out of it . All he 'd have to do now was waiting for her to go into his trap . But , wearing the fire - proof clothes , it was too warm to be actually comfortable . Kohlhaas just hoped she 'd turn up fast . As soon as she was able to look into the clearing she dropped the water . Someone had been here . Everything had been brought to it 's middle , and an envelope was pinned to her target . She looked around : noone was here . And there were no other traces that someone had been here . She carefully stepped out of the wood , but nothing happened . So she slowly walked over to the target with the envelope , reached for it and : the floor gave in . She tried to get hold of something , but all she managed to get a hold of was the net where all those branches and the hay had been on , making it look like solid ground . Within seconds she was completely caught up in it . And struggling only made it worse . Unfortunately she had not only dropped her water but also her bow and her knife . But maybe if she changed into a fox she could use her teeth . . . Aquila realized too late that someone was up there when she changed . And she didn 't have a chance to change back and act like nothing happened . While the man looked at her in shock , the net closed in on her , leaving her now even less space . She 'd probably squash herself if she 'd try to change back . Looking up she noticed that the man was wearing heavy and warm looking clothes and some strange - looking sunglasses . In any case , he was probably the one who set the trap up . Aquila gnarled and than started to bite at the net . But she realized within seconds that she wouldn 't manage to get through it . " Changing into a mouse or something would be of use , now . . . " Aquila thought . The man now had shaken off his surprise and started pulling her up . But he made sure to stay out of the reach of her teeth , and she didn 't have enough space to struggle . Aquila could do nothing to escape . So instead she tried to concentrate on the way . Wherever he planned to take her : she 'd make sure she 'd find her way back . Or so she thought , until he put her into the boot ² of his car . It was dark , but not completely . The bit of light that reached in was enough for her fox - eyes to see the net she was caught in . She couldn 't be bothered to try to notice where the car was driving . She wouldn 't be able to remember all the turns either way , and her biggest problem was definitely to get out of the net . Being free of the net she could just wait , as an eagle , till the man 'd open the trunk and then fly away . From the shocked expression on his face when she changed to a fox she concluded that no one had told him she could shape - shift and she was going to use that advantage . But first , she 'd have to escape the net . It was completely knotted and she didn 't really have enough space to move . . . Aquila changed into a cat . Now she was able to turn around and look at the open side of the net . . . well , the side that could be open . She had given up on trying to bite through the net , it was too stable . But she might be able to get it in order and herself out . . . Untangling a net with a cat 's paw definitely was no easy thing to do . If cats would have had the ability to sigh , Aquila would have done it . It seemed like she 'd have worked on it for hours , but still she couldn 't get out . " Next time someone catches me in a net I sure as hell won 't move . " she thought angrily . But at least there was a progress . She was just about to continue , when she realized something had changed . A moment later she had changed into a fox and laid herself down . The car had stopped . Not only on a traffic light , but it stood still , and the engine was turned off . And that probably meant . . . The trunk was opened and the man looked at her . Then he walked out of sight for a moment , but still in the net , she didn 't even try to escape . Instead she tried to look as harm - and helpless as possible . Maybe she could get him to underestimate her . For the same reason she had changed back into a fox : No need to let him know she could be a cat , too . He returned , now wearing some thick and stable looking gloves . " Wouldn 't have bit him either way . It 'd be quite stupid to make him angry , and I couldn 't escape from that net , either . " she thought . So she didn 't move when he got her out of the car , but looked around curiously . S , she read on the number plate . That meant she wasn 't too far away from home , S standing for Stuttgart . The street was just a normal street with houses on both sides . " Just your average neighbourhood , it seems . " Aquila didn 't mind that he carried her inside one of the houses , she knew what she had wanted to know . The inside of the house surprised her , though . It seemed as if the man had just moved in or was about to move out : cupboards were open with half filled boxes in front of them . He reached for a door , opened it and she saw some stairs . " The cellar ? Great . . . " Cellars usually had a lot less ways to get out . To her surprise , it should be even worse . A cage . He had a cage in his cellar , comfortable enough , though : it had a bed and a small separated room in the corner , which she suspected to be a toilet . The man opened the cage , put fox and net on the bed and looked at them . " Erm . . . Do you understand me ? " Aquila nodded . " … will you be able to get out of that net yourself ? " Aquila shook her head . The man sighed . Then he picked fox and net up again and laid them down next to the cage 's bars . He left the cage , locked it and went away , just to return with scissors . " Don 't move . " He said , and then he started to cut the net open . Aquila stayed still until he was finished and had taken his hands out of the cage , then she stood up and changed back to human . " Why did you kidnap me ? " She asked angrily . He shrugged . " They pay well . " And with that , he left her alone . Aquila looked around . She was in quite a huge cage , the bars reaching from floor to ceiling . The bars were too close to each other for a fox to get through , but . . . Aquila changed to a cat , walked up to the bars and comfortably out of the cage . Now that was just a bit too easy . All she 'd now have to do would be to get out of one of the cellars windows . Yes , they were closed right now , and yes , they were quite high above the floor , but by changing into a human both problems could be solved easily . She wouldn 't fit through them , but would be able to open one , but a shelf or something else next to it , change into a cat , climbed up the chosen part of furniture and just jump out of the window . For a quick moment she considered to do exactly that . But what use would it be ? Someone was paying this guy for kidnapping her . Yes , she 'd be able to lead her friends to him , and she was quite sure that he wouldn 't stand a chance . But it was probable that she 'd soon have someone else trying to kidnap her instead of him . And next time she might not be lucky enough to have an incompetent kidnapper like him . So , what she really needed to do was to find out who had sent him after her . She looked around . This cellar didn 't really look like a place for prisoners . Except for the cage , it was just your average cellar : Lot 's of boxes , some shelves , and everything filled with dusted items . Here , too , everything was half unpacked . All the boxes had labels telling what was in them . " Newspapers " , " Books " , " Bills " , " Wires of different kinds " , " Old electronics " , it didn 't really seem like the way someone would pack and label his or her things for moving . Besides , who 'd take old newspapers , single socks , diverse pieces of wood or broken ceramics with them when moving ? And then she found a small box , labelled " diaries and photo albums " . Aquila changed to human and grinned . Just what she needed . She 'd look through them until it was dark outside , hopefully being able to find out who had paid him to kidnap her . And then she 'd leave in the cover of tN Aquila awoke . There were footsteps on the stairs , so she hurried to hide the diary under her pillow . Then she walked up at the bars at the other end of the cage , close to the stairs . She didn 't want to be caught with it . Kohlhaas came down the stairs and stopped in front of the cage , just out of her reach . He was holding a plate in one , and a bottle of water in his other hand . " It 's time for breakfast . " he said . Aquila barely managed not to swear . Apparently she had not only fallen asleep , but also slept all of the night . Now she 'd either have to wait another half day , or risk running through his garden ( as a cat ) at day . She didn 't like either thought , but now it was too late , she had already overslept in the worst conditions she could think of . She held back a sigh , and looked at the plate . Bread with butter . She didn 't like butter . This time , she allowed herself to sigh , but still took bottle and the plate , which barely fit through the bars , mumbled a thanks and sat down on her bed . Tristessa and Lilith reached had been waiting for a whole hour . " We said nine , didn 't we ? " , Lilith asked , for the third time by now . Tristessa didn 't bother to answer , but instead said : " Maybe she just forgot . . . " " I doubt she did . " " Too . " They waited another few minutes , and then decided to go and look for her . Looking for someone whose name you don 't know , in a country which 's language you don 't speak isn 't an easy thing to do . Lilith and Tristessa had tried , but after an hour of asking people they had gotten nothing but weird looks and some mumbling behind their backs when they walked away . Aquila finished reading the diary . It seemed as if that guy at least had some reason to be angry . After all , his family had been killed . But that still wasn 't a reason to go around and kill others , at least not in her opinion . Since the diary had been full after his first murder , Aquila didn 't know if he was actually responsible for all the other missing people , as well . But it seemed probable . She doubted it 'd be easy to get his current diary , and besides she was already late , Lilith and Tristessa would now either be worried or think she forgot . Or changed her opinion . In any case , she was late . And she didn 't see a point in being more late . Yes , there was a chance that there 'd be a better kidnapper the next time , but that one only gave her bread with butter . . . Aquila changed into a cat and left the cage . She changed to human , put two boxes on top of each other , climbed them and opened the window . Then she changed back into a cat . She had been practicing to jump . She knew a cat should be able to jump high enough . But still , she had to get rid of a picture of herself , jumping face - first into a wall . Aquila - cat shook her head , then jumped on the boxes and for the window . On her first try she only reached out of it with her front legs , and hadn 't be able to climb out , but the second time she managed to jump out of it . She looked around the garden , decided to leave it on the front side , since the fences around it seemed quite high , and did so . She made sure to get some corners between herself and the house before she hid behind a car and changed back into a human . Then she realized she didn 't have any money on her , so she wouldn 't be able to buy a ticket home . . . she sighed , hid again , changed back into a cat , climbed a tree , and chaAquila Felis Aquila awoke . The blanket felt a lot heavier than usual . It was difficult to move but she managed to struggle the blanket away . She looked at it but it looked just as usual . Wondering which time it was she turned to her clock and looked at it . It said 3am , but that wasn 't possible . It wasn 't dark enough . She decided to get up but her legs didn 't reach the floor . She looked at them , slowly realising that they weren 't her legs . They were a cat 's legs . Her arms didn 't look like her arms either , and turning her head she slowly realized it : She was a cat . But , of course , she couldn 't be a cat , right ? So she was dreaming . It was the only way she could be a cat . For some time she walked and jumped in her room , and she even tried to open the door , but she didn 't manage to pull the handle . After some time she decided to go back and sleep again . If sleeping in a dream was possible . She laid down on her bed and closed her eyes . Aquila awoke . She was on the top of her blanket , and the clock said it was 7am . She decided to get up and started a usual day , not remembering her dream . Aquila was walking through the forest . She loved the silence and the nature , but most of the time she was far too lazy to go outside for a walk . Although she exactly new that she 'd like it the moment she started . But this time wasn 't only special because she was on a walk , but also because she was doing it without permission . It was a winter 's day , and everything was covered in snow . She had asked her parents for permission to walk through the forest , but they didn 't give it , saying it was far too dangerous with all the snow . So Aquila had promised them not to leave the city . She hated to lie to her parents , but she couldn 't wait to see what the forest would look like . Suddenly she heard a squeak in front of her . Carefully she approached the bush it seemed to come from . There were some wild piglets , playing . While she was still watching them she heard another sound from behind her . Something like a snuffle . She slowly turned , looking at a fully grown wild boar . " You 're probably the mother " she mumbled , slowly trying to get out of the mothers way to her children , knowing that boars are pretty dangerous animals ( in fact she had been warned about them as early as in kindergarten ) . The boar started to run towards her and Aquila turned and fled . While she was running she could here the boar approach . Therefore not watching the way , she suddenly lost the ground under her feet . She had run into an abyss washed out by a river flowing at it 's ground . Still in the air she desperately waved her arms , " but of course I 'll die " , she thought , when suddenly . . . Aquila felt the air under her arms , felt the pressure of it growing bigger and bigger , and then she stopped falling and started gliding . Too afraid to do anything she didn 't move until she reached the rivers shore . Then everything faded in black . Aquila awoke . She was lying on the shore of the river , remembering a flight . " I must have hit my head " , she thought . " Nothing of this was real , obviously . Well , it 's a long way home . " Aquila started walking , and of course she didn 't tell anyone what had happened . Firstly , because she was walking through the forest without permission , and secondly , because she wasn 't hurt at all , a huge luck , making the visit of a doctor unnecessary . Aquila walked through the forest again . Spring had come and melted the snow , so she wasn 't afraid of slipping and falling anymore . " I 'll go and see this abyss " she decided , and went to see it . Filled with all the melted snow the river on its ground was a lot bigger than she remembered it to be , and a lot faster . It had overflooded its shore , now filling the whole abyss . " Lucky I didn 't fall in spring " she thought and walked on . Aquila was already on her way back when she heard something sounding like a fight . She carefully looked around the corner . A group of strange people ( strange mainly because all of them had something special like uncommon clothing , or coloured hair ) fought each other , throwing burning balls ( or so it seemed ) , using knives and swords , guns and crossbows , hand and feet . Although she didn 't know what was happening , Aquila decided not to go this way . Those people were obviously crazy . She already wanted to turn around and leave , when a guy , in the middle of the fight , saw her . He shouted and pointed at her , but , being surrounded by fighting people , he 'd need some time to get out of this . Realizing that he 'd try to catch her ( although she wasn 't too sure why ) , Aquila turned and started to run , back into the forest , away from the streets which didn 't offer a place to hide . But the forest , too , didn 't offer many hideouts . The trees hadn 't grown leaves , yet , and there were no fallen trees to hide behind . And Aquila somehow wasn 't too sure about simply standing behind a tree . But there was not much of an opportunity , so she went on , searching for a tree as big as possible . Actually she found one , and when she ran around it , she saw a fox - hole , digged between it 's roots . " But it 's too small , I 'll never fit - " Aquila heard someone , at the other side of the tree . And , without thinking about it any longer , she crawled into the fox - hole . " This fox - hole is a lot bigger than it looks " she thought , curling up inside it . She heard some steps , and then saw a pair of shoes in front of the hole . Aquila held her breath , but he walked past the hole . Slowly relaxing , she looked around , in order to see her surroundings . Maybe she just needed something to do until she was sure that he was gone , maybe she was just curious , but looking around , she saw a fox 's tail . First she was sure that there 'd be a fox in here , in the same hole she was sitting in . But her perspective didn 't fit . Seeing the tail like this , the fox would have to sit on her , and she was sure that she 'd have noticed it . Turning her head she managed to see more of the fox 's body , but not hers . It still took her some seconds to realize that she was the fox . Then she remembered the fall that wasn 't a fall , the time she thought she 'd hit her head . She remembered , finally . And still , she couldn 't believe it . But - not enough air to breathe / hit head crawling into this hole - > hallucinations , dreaming , going mad - non of her explanations did really work . " I 'll just not think about it " she decided . And , not remembering to check if the man had left , she left the fox - hole . " I knew you 'd come out within 5 minutes . " The voice of the man sounded like he 'd smile . Aquila turned , stumbled across her own legs and fell on her belly . The man was sitting on one of the tree 's roots , smiling . " So , you 're a shape shifter ? I don 't know many of your kind . " he said and jumped down to her . Aquila tried to say something , but whimpered instead . " Trying to talk ? You should change back to human , you know ? " " Like I 'd know how to do - " Aquila stopped in the middle of her sentence , realizing that she was human again . " This ? " he finished her sentence , a worried expression on his face . " Don 't tell me you don 't know . " " Erm . . . " He sighed . " You don 't know since you just discovered you 're magic , right ? " " That 's what I wanted to say , but how . . . ? " " Did I know it ? I 'm magic , too . " " And all those crazy ones , fighting on that street ? " " Too . " " So . . . " " What 's next ? " " How do you . . . " " I 'm able to see the future . " " But . . . " " That 's impossible ? Nope . I think I already proofed it . " Aquila tried to look angry , but she was far too curious to manage it properly . " So , what 's your name ? " she asked " And why were you fighting ? " I won 't tell you my real name . All magic people have three names : The given one , the chosen one and the real one . The given one is the name your parents gave you . It 's dangerous to give that one away . The chosen one is the one each of us chooses to protect the given one . " " And the real one ? " " Most people don 't now their real name and will never know it . It 's even more dangerous than the given one . " " Why ? " " I might explain this later . First we should get out of the forest . It 'll start raining . " It was only then Aquila realized that she was still sitting . She stood up and started following the man . " So , with given and real name being dangerous , what 's your chosen name ? " " My chosen name 's Israel Elysium . " " Israel , like the country ? " " You have no idea how often I have to answer this question . " Aquila grinned , but decided to be quiet for a bit . They walked back to the city and entered a small restaurant , just before the rain started . " You were right . " Aquila said . " Of course . " " So . . . what 's next ? " Israel started counting backwards : " 5 4 3 2 1 . . . " The door bell rang and a group of crazy looking people came in . It took Aquila some moments to realize that they were the same people who had fought on the street . " That . . . " " I know . " " But . . . " " No , they aren 't dangerous . " " But . . . " " Just trust me . " Aquila raised an eyebrow , but shut up . She then turned her head back to watch the group . They all looked young , none older than about 25 or 30 . And they were loud . Pretty loud . " Look at Israel ! " a man , looking about 20 , said . " He said he 'd have something to check , but I bet he just wanted to stay dry ! " " Why didn 't you tell us about the rain ? " a small girl with long , crimson hair asked . " I 'm sure he had good reasons , right ? " This girl looked about 16 . " I hope he did . We 're wet to the bones ! " another 16 year old , with long , soft brown hair said , and yet another 16 year old , but with black hair , standing beside her , nodded . A lot of ' Yes 's and ' He 'd better have good reasons 's echoed through the crowded restaurant . Aquila saw a waitress , backing away slowly to the kitchens door . She looked at Israel again , but before she could say anything he just said : „ I know . " Then he turned to the others . " You 'd better calm down , be quieter and sit down , or the waitress you just shooed away will call the police within 3 minutes . " he said . The group stared at him for about 3 seconds , and then they decided to do as he said . Aquila sat down next to Israel , the 20 year old , the three 16 year olds and the small girl sitting at the same table , looking at her . " Who 's that ? " the man asked Israel . " She 's what I had to check . " he answered . " Is there something you want to tell us ? " the guy asked . To Aquila he sounded kind of aggressive . She noticed that 16 - year - old - one kicked him under the table , before she said : " We 'd really like to know what happened . " The others nodded . Israel sighed , 6 " It 's time for me to go home . " Aquila had just looked at her watch . It was about 7pm - quite a long time for taking a walk . Any longer , and her parents might become worried . " You can 't go already . We barely had time to talk ! " Kallista said . Aquila tried not to grin : they had talked for more than two hours by now . But , since the others around the table nodded , she gave in . " Ok , I 'll stay a bit longer . But I 'll have to call my parents . " She took her mobile and dialled . After a short time someone answered the call . " Hallo Mama ! Du , ich komm erst in so ein oder zwei Stunden heim . Nur dass du dir keine Sorgen machst . " Listening to her mothers answer , Aquila looked around the table . Most of them looked pretty surprised . " Ja , ich dich auch . Bis nachher ! " She hung up the phone . Everyone was looking at her . " What language was that ? " Kallista asked . " German . " Aquila answered . " You 're a German , right ? I already wondered about your accent . " Mar said , and Aquila smiled . " Yes , I 'm a German . Did you really expect to meet an Anglophone non - German in Germany ? By chance ? " " We 're in Germany ? " Dragona said . " But the waitresses spoke English and the menus were in English , too . " " They surely heard you talking when you came in . So they already knew that you speak English and therefore talked English and brought you an English menu . " Aquila said , before realizing something else . " Hey , wait a sec . . . How comes you don 't know which country you 're in ? " she asked . " Zombies ! " she shouted , " A lot of them ! They followed me . We only have one or two minutes ! " Aquila looked at Israel . " Zombies . She 's joking , right ? " " I 'm afraid she 's serious . " he said , before calling over to her : " How many , Darkane ? " " Enough for me to run back to you lot instead of counting them ! " Darkane called back . By now , the restaurant was a chaos . People were preparing weapons , smiling , joking . No one looked worried . " This 'll be fun ! " she heard Dragona . And everyone seemed to share this opinion . Even Darkane , who seemed worried when she came in was now grinning . " Why do you like Zombies hunting ? " Aquila asked , seriously confused . " Because we like killing them . " Dragona answered , and the others around her table smiled and nodded . Aquila just shook her head . " They like killing Zombies . " she thought " I just hope that their other hobbies are a bit less dangerous . " She sighed , but no one noticed . " They 're here ! " someone said . By the time it was quite difficult to say who , since everyone was standing at the windows or the door , head outside . Except for Aquila , of course . She still couldn 't believe it : Zombies ! And the others were actually happy about it ! Now everyone was leaving the restaurant to hunt zombies . After the others had left , Aquila walked slowly to the door , looking out of it . The fight had already started . It reminded her of the first time she saw them . They were fighting with about every kind of weapon she could think of , some were even fighting without using any weapon at all . They were laughing , joking , shouting , killing . Zombies were cut , shot , ripped to pieces , they were drowned , burned , blown away . Heads , skin , blood , pieces of things she didn 't want to know what they were flew through the air . It was like seeing snapshots , all she realized were pictures . A sword , piercing through a body . Drops of blood , flying through the air . An exploding head , people , laughing whilst killing . . . Aquila felt sick . Suddenly , the impression was gone . Everything returned to normal speed , and the sounds came back . Explosions , shots , crackling fire , screams , shouts , laughter . She heard someone swear and looked around . Dragona 's guns seemed to have no munition left . He swore and turned around . Seeing her , standing in the restaurants door , he called over to her . " My swords are leaned against my chair , go and bring them to me ! " Then he continued fighting , this time with his bare hands . Aquila turned around and ran back to their table . The swords were quite easy to find , she took both of them and ran back . And , taking a deep breath , she went outside and ran towards Dragona . Everything around her was a chaos . She tried her best to evade blood and pieces , but she was covered in dirt within seconds . Luckily Dragona was only about 10m away . But even 10m seemed to be very far with all the fighting around her . Kallista jumped over her , landing on her right and punching a zombie . Its head fell off . Rosella and Nyx were fighting side by side , one distracting a zombie , the other one killing it . They seemed to have a nice chat whilst fighting . Aquila watched Mar , walking towards one of the Zombies distracted by them . She hit it on it 's head , it turned around , Mar run away and Nyx killed it with a single blow . Darkane balanced on a fence , using her sword like a scythe , mowing zombie heads like grass . Israel seemed to dance with his opponents : every time they tried to get him , he was already gone . Killing whole groups of them with his guns , which seemed to knock the Zombies over with blue waves of light , he had small hills of bodies lying around him . He wasn 't the only one . Most of them already had their own hills . So , Aquila had to walk around bodies , trying not to fall on the ground , which was slippery from blood . By the time she reached Dragona , she was really worried . As far as she knew , those people wanted to keep magic a secret . But here they were , shouting , laughing , exploding things , additionally to the streetlights lighting this alarming scenery with fire from their hands . They were leaving parts and whole bodies on the bloody street . She reached Dragona , he gave her a short smile , took his swords and continued fighting . Aquila sighed and returned to the restaurant . But she didn 't enter it . Seeing her covered in blood , the waitresses would probably call the police . Assumed they hadn 't done it already . She tried not to think about what was bound to happen , but failed . " There 's got to be a solution ! " she thought . And , suddenly , she had an idea . Twenty minutes later , the last Zombie was killed . Aquila used the short moment and started clapping . The waitresses , the cook , and the two guests who had been in the restaurant , standing next to her , looked at her for a short moment , then they , too , started clapping . By now everybody had turned to them , most looked worried . Aquila gave them a smile , then turned to the others . " Sie sind gut , nicht ? " she said . The others nodded and smiled . " Wirklich . " answered the cook , and one of the guests asked : " Wann kommt der Film ins Kino ? " " Wenn alles gut läuft : nächstes Jahr . " Aquila answer , and added : " Jetzt gibt 's eigentlich nichts mehr zu sehen , wir räumen nur noch auf . " " Dann geh ' ich mal wieder rein . " the cook said , the others agreed and followed him inside . When they were gone , Aquila turned to the others , who were still looking at her , in obvious confusion . " There is no way I am cleaning THAT up ! " Nyx said , staring at the mess of zombies . Aquila sighed . " Listen . I barely managed to keep the police away . They were just about to come when I called them , and it took me a lot to first convince them that we 're just making a movie and second to explain , how horribly sorry I am that no one warned them and that we didn 't ask for permission . Not to mention that I hate to lie . Then I had to calm those people in the restaurant down , and to convince them , too . And I even managed to keep the police from making us pay a fee . . . but only if this street returns to his old looking until 5 next morning . " A lot of ' but 's and ' won 't 's answered her . She just arched an eyebrow at them and said : " There are five people in this restaurant who saw you and are able to describe you . And there 's the police who 'll check if this mess is gone tomorrow in the morning . And they 'll surely notice that that " she pointed at some zombie parts " is no decoration . So they 'll try everything to hunt you down . Plus their investigations might reveal the existence of magic . " And with that she just turned around and left . Now it was up to them , she just wanted to get out of those blood - soaked clothes and get a shower . Aquila awoke . By now she was back to her usual life for a whole week . . . well , her usual life plus trying not to change into something . But her daily life wasn 't surprising or dangerous enough to make her change uncontrolled . Late at night she had started to learn how to change purposely . |
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