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The girl stood in the dark of the hovel and raged . She was tiny . Her knees stuck out like knobby fists , and her nose ran , and her fingers were cracked with dirt and cold . Not even the wind - when it came howling through the chinks in the hovel 's door - could stir the nest of hair on her head , so thick were the knots and tangles . " Where are they ? " Yabba nicked his finger and hissed , sucking the blood . He looked at the girl . Then his lips curled back . " I sold ' em . Needed the coin . " " To the tinker , " he said , wiping his face . " Out back of Olga 's . " He set back to whittling the wood , breathing hard . " Go get ' em if you want ' em . " The girl sat up . There was blood on her head , but she didn 't seem to notice it . " Those were my boots , " she said , quieter now . " Mam gave them to me ' fore she left . They were mine , Yabba . " Her eyes were beginning to quiver , glistening in the light of a little cook - fire . " Well , now they 're the tinker 's , " said Yabba . " And you can just shut up about Mam . She weren 't your Mam any more ' n she was mine . Go to sleep , and tomorrow you get something valuable , you hear ? Something we can use , so that I don 't have go out and sell your grotty boots . Lace , or red berries , or something fancy . I 'm going to need it . " " Nothing , " said the girl . Her teeth were gritted , but she was not as wild as usual . She had gone rather quiet . " Twigs was all I found . That 's all there was today . " For a moment Yabba stared at her , as if he couldn 't understand . Then he said , " And what d ' you expect me to do with twigs ? " His black hair was in his face , sticking to his forehead . " You could sell ' em , " the girl said . " I don 't know . It 's all I got this time . " The girl wouldn 't look at him . The girl brought the knife back to the hovel . It was a very fine knife . It had a manticore in red carnelian on its hilt and a sheath of finest leather . " Yabba ! " she shouted , and pounded on the door . " Yabba , I have something ! Lemme in ! Lemme in , or you can 't have it . " Yabba opened the door . He took the knife and looked it over . " Should do , " he said . " No more of this twig stuff , now , or you 'll be staying outside permanent - like . " Then he left , and he didn 't come back for a whole day and night . " They didn 't want it ! " he screamed . " They didn 't want your stupid knife . ' Where 'd you get a knife like that ? ' they said . ' Ain 't no place we can sell that knife without getting hanged , ' they said . I want coin ! Silver and gold , or I 'll throw you out ! " He hurled the knife into the dirt at the girl 's feet . Then he stormed away , slamming the door so hard the whole hut shivered . Yabba didn 't come back to the hovel for a week . When he did , he wanted coin again . The girl hadn 't got anything . She hadn 't left the house , though she didn 't tell Yabba that . She offered Yabba the knife again , but Yabba just spat . He was afraid , then angry , turning circles and growling like a cornered dog . " What now ? What do I do now ? You always get something . A pair of gloves or some honey or lard or something . Now what am I ' spected to do ? " " Those were my boots , " she kept saying . " Those were my boots , Yabba , and Mam gave them to me and I want them back . I asked at Olga 's . The tinker you sold them to , he 's not there no more . " " Course he 's not there ! " Yabba shouted , before he got really mad . " It 's been a fortnight . He 'll be halfway to the moon by now . " The girl knelt on a hill under a solitary tree . A heap of knives lay against its roots . The lower ones were black , gnawed - upon by damp , but the ones close to the top still glinted . They were all very fine , with elaborate sigils in the likenesses of dragons and hens and manticores . The girl laid a knife on the top of the pile . It had a bit of dirt on its tip . Then the girl rested her head on her knees and stayed that way until long after the sun had gone down and the wind blew sharp and cold over the back of the hill . It was morning when the girl made her way through the town toward the hovel . It had rained during the night , and the day was cold and drizzling . Halfway down the street , in front of the church , she came upon some townspeople , huddled together . They were very silent , looking at something on the ground . " What is it ? " the girl asked , edging up to an old woman who was standing a little apart from the others . The woman looked at her a moment , but said nothing . The girl walked around to the other side of the huddle . " No great loss , " said a third . " But for the way it was done . Dreadful . Like some sort of beast , only bigger . Not like anything around here . Not like wolves . " A woman hurries about the hovel , rushing from corner to corner , wrapping a heel of bread , lighting a lantern . She tries to be quiet , but she is not quiet enough . A girl wakes from the straw in the corner . The woman 's skin is like leather , hardened from winters and summers and falls . She turns and reaches out a finger , brushing it over the child 's face . " Now , deary . No crying . You 'll see Mam again . You 'll see me one day . " But the woman is already turning . She 's at the door , heaving her sack . " I have to , " she whispers . " I 'm ten kinds of dead if I stay . " " He 's after me , " the woman says . She pulls up her shawl , black and crimson , shadowing her face . " He 's after me and he won 't ever stop . I stole something from him , see . Years ago . I thought it would be good and help me , but it wasn 't good , and he knows my scent . He 's been chasing and chasing me all these years , and he 's close now . So close . But he won 't have those boots . He won 't have them back . You keep them , all right ? You keep them and you use them . " " Mam ! " the girl says , shifting from foot to foot on the bed . " I 'll help you , Mam ! He won 't catch you , I 'll take care of you ! " The woman half turns in the doorway , a dark shape against the blue night . The girl can 't see her expression - a sad smile on cracked lips . " Oh , deary . Nothing can save me now . Nothing but a good sharp knife . " The girl eased up onto his elbows . Her shoulders were trembling . " Yabba ? " she said , after several minutes . The word stuck in the dark like a tuft of wool . " Yabba , why 'd Mam go ? " " She weren 't our Mam ! She weren 't nothing but a witch , you hear ? A good - for - nothing witch . The townsfolk say she was troll 's wife ' for she ran , and only witches make troll wives . Now shut up about it ! I can 't take this no more . I can 't take your stupid talk . Tomorrow you get me something good like you used to , or I 'll burn this place down and run away and you can go house to house and see how they like you there . " They found her the next day , face - down in the mud , a half - mile out of town . Something had attacked her on the road , torn her throat out . A lantern lay by her side , cracked open , oil dripping into the wagon ruts . It mingled with the blood , black and crimson . There was no funeral . A group of townsfolk carried the body up the hill and dug a grave under the yew tree . No one came to mourn . Only a young girl was there , watching as the dirt rustled onto the white , white face . " Why 'd you do it ? " the constable asked . " I know why you took the money , but why all those knives ? You must have known you wouldn 't get away with selling them here . " The girl picked herself up , and not looking at the constable . " I couldn 't get ' em no other way , " she said . Her voice was soft . " I had to get something , and I can 't walk far no more . " " You shut your mouth , " the constable barked . He didn 't take his eyes from the girl . His eyes were hard , but not all the way to the bottom . " You 're in a heap of trouble , my girl . Come . You 'll not be staying here . " The girl lay in a dank cell . Wind whistled through the cracks in the gray daub - and - mottle walls . Water dripped from the ceiling . An iron bucket caught it with little plinks . " How 'd you get all those knives ? From halfway ' cross the country , some of them . And the one on top - - from Lord Naryeshkin 's own larder . His castle 's seven leagues from here ! " " It was found with the gentleman ? " Mr . Farringdale inquired . He was holding a small bundle of envelopes - tied with a red ribbon - and he was holding it very delicately , as if it were valuable , or a severed hand . " It was , " said Mr . Blake . " And it is very odd . The writings , I mean . Fanciful and not particularly helpful . But perhaps they will shed some light on the matter for you . I thought you might read them and give me your opinion by tomorrow . " Mr . Farringdale nodded and tucked the letters into his coat . Pemberton Street traffic drifted around the two men , strangely silent in the rain . Shadow - clouds rolled overhead . Behind Mr . Blake , in the police station , a grate clanged , echoing . " I shall read them this evening , " said Mr Farringdale . " Though if they shed no light on the matter for you , I fear they will do very little for me . Good day . " Mr . Farringdale went to his lodgings in Aberlyne . His rooms were situated at the top of a steep , dim staircase in one of those old , narrow , complicated sorts of city - houses . Mr . Farringdale was only renting . He lived in London officially , in a scrubbed brick three - story with a wife and two children . He was not there often , however . He was not here often either . He was wherever he had to be , for however long he was needed , and then he was elsewhere . His landlady did not call out to him as he climbed the stairs to his rooms . He found the stove already lit upon undoing his door . He stamped the rain off . He filled himself a pot of tea and took off his overshoes , then his under - shoes . He hung up his coat . We are beginning to suspect we are not real people . I often feel I am made of wind and bits of ash , and that I cannot stand upright or all my bones will snap . Harry thinks he might be made from wax . He told me the other night that when he was standing too close to the candle in Mistress Hannicky 's study he thought his skin was going runny . He thought it all might drip away . Do you think we are not real people ? Do you think we are changelings , perhaps ? It is very lonely here , and it is always raining . Harry is the only person I talk to , but he is very quiet . Some days I think Harry is lost . He tells me he is in a deep forest , even when he is directly beside me . I would call him silly , but then some days I feel as though the wind is singing to me and calling me away . What do you think , Papa ? Do you ever suppose you do not belong in the place you are ? Do you ever think you are not like all the people around you and that perhaps you should be somewhere else ? It is beginning to storm and thunder outside . I feel the rain all day long . Sometimes I feel like I am in the rafters , staring down at myself . I need to go before the others come in . P . S . Could you send me a stick of peppermint ? I told the other girls you owned a factory that made peppermint sticks . They do not believe me , but perhaps if they did we would be friends . Mr . Farringdale frowned and set the letter aside . He picked up the next envelope . A reply . London address . Thick , creamy stock and monogrammed stationary . It was written very differently from the first letter . Where that one was spelled out in the jerking , uneven hand of a child , this one was all sharp points and swift lines , thin bits of ink , controlled . I was displeased to hear that school is not to your liking . It is , however , one of the finest in the country , and very expensive , and if you are sad I think it may well be because you are not trying to be happy . Have you spoken to the other children ? Perhaps if you made an effort to become acquainted with the other little girls there , things would appear brighter . Furthermore , your gloominess is little wonder when all you do is associate with Harry Snails . He is not a good sort . His own parents say so . He is mean and petty and you will do well to remember the reasons he was sent away . You would do well to choose a better friend . Mr . Farringdale read the letter again because it didn 't really seem like a reply . He wondered if perhaps the letters were out of order . But no , this was the reply , dated three weeks after the first letter from Pellinora . Mr . Farringdale took a sip of tea . He opened the next envelope and slid out its contents . The other children were beastly today , especially to Harry . They were throwing rocks at him . I told them not to . I told them Harry didn 't mean to be horrid . I know he can be . He can be dreadfully mean , but he has had such a hard life , what with going to India and being sick and alone for so long . I understand him , don 't you , Papa ? He told the other children he didn 't want to go near the warm food or it would melt him from the inside out , and then when they didn 't believe him he began to call them names . When we were sent outside to take the air , that was when they started throwing the rocks . One cut Harry right over the eye and he bled a lot . They were throwing rocks at me , too , I don 't know why . I pulled Harry away then and we ran out onto the moor . They are very wild , these moors . Mistress Hannicky says we are never to go wandering there , but Papa , I was afraid they would hurt Harry to death ! So we ran and ran over the moor . The ground is soft and strange there , Papa , like wet , mossy skin . We ran so long and then we came to the loveliest little pond , just sitting there in the middle of nowhere , lovely as you like . We couldn 't run anymore then . The other children weren 't following us and so Harry and I just sat down and cried . I 'm back now in school but I wish I didn 't have to be . Will you come and take me away ? And Harry , too ? It is so cold all the time . It is dreadfully cold , and they never build fires . The headmistress is very cruel . I don 't know why she will not build a fire . P . S . I think perhaps you forgot to read the post script on my last letter . Could you please send me a stick of peppermint ? The other girls don 't believe me that you are rich . They think perhaps you 've left me here , and that I 'll never leave again , but of course I 'm coming home for Christmas . And Harry , too ? You will stay at Carrybruck until the term is out . You will attend to yourself , and what happens to Harry Snail is none of your concern . I hope you are not being a trial to the other children . We will discuss your further education in December when you are home . We have a friend now , Papa ! Here at school ! He is a bit strange and quiet , but oh ! a friend ! He walks and talks with us . He says he saw us out on the moor that day , crying by the pond , and he followed us back , do you believe it ? I think perhaps he is from one of the farms , but he is very interesting . He knows so much . He asked us what the trouble was , why we had been crying . So nice . We told him . We told him everything and how the other children were dreadful . We told him we thought we were perhaps ashes and wax and ought to be somewhere else . Do you know what he said ? He said , it is not the children who are dreadful . I only wish he would come inside sometimes . He always stays out . Perhaps it 's for the best , but I do feel sorry for him . He is always quite drenched from the rain . He did give us a new game to play , though . Up in the rafters . Harry and I will walk the beams , two at a time , heel - to - toe , one after another and try not to look down . If we look down we 'll fall . Jack ( that 's the name of our new friend ) watches from the windows . Again there was no reply from the father . Odd . The child wrote and wrote and no one answered . Mr . Farringdale thought of his own two children at home . Tousled heads and starched collars . He peered into the stove . Jack ( remember from my last letter ? Our new friend ? ) says the funniest things . Sometimes I think he is a child , but sometimes I think he is someone else , too . Someone old . Just like us , Papa , just like me and Harry ! " Aren 't people stupid ? " Harry said , and Jack said , " Oh , yes ! People are insufferable . When you become acquainted with them one by one they can be tolerated , but taken together one wants to slap them ! " Jack sings , too , did I tell you ? I don 't think I did . He doesn 't have a nice voice , but we don 't tell him because he can become quite cross and moody . He slaps Harry sometimes . So hard Harry falls . He pushes him . He pushes both of us and the other children , too . But he 's better than no one ! He 's a good friend ! We are going to the moors tomorrow again , after the others have gone to sleep . Jack showed us a way out . A lose panel in the scullery girl 's pantry . We will go and dance on the moors , jack says . I can see right through my hand . I wish you could be here . I 'm quite sure I 'm a fairy child . When the wind is very strong I feel it right through me , stirring my heart as if it all only little whirling particles . I feel I could fly away ! We don 't eat anymore , Harry and I . Jack says it 's silly to eat , so we don 't , and we 're not hungry anyway . No one notices . I thought we might get in trouble from the headmistress , but she doesn 't know . Your affectionate daughter , They found the panel in the scullery girl 's pantry . They nailed it closed . We can 't go out that way anymore . They found our soaked clothing , too . They don 't know they 're ours , but they will guess soon , I think . We will be in trouble . Mr . Farringdale unfolded the letters faster now , envelope by envelope . He could see Pellinora in his mind 's eye , scribbling away in the blue shadows of a somber country school , the tumbling rain outside and the wind howling over the sharp corners of the house . Mr . Farringdale wondered . He wondered who Harry Snails was , and why the mean and petty boy had been sent to the country . He wondered if this new friend Pellinora spoke of was imaginary or one of the farmhands , and he wondered if it made any difference . I am most distressed by your letters . I found myself in Yorkshire yesterday on business and spoke to your headmistress . There is no one named Jack at your school . Not even a neighbor boy . And she is most disturbed by your and Harry 's habits , and the negative influence you are exerting on the other school children . She says you are often distant and rude and that you care very little for the cleanliness of your garments and your skin . You often ignore the other children , and she says you and Harry speak to each other as if there were the only souls in the world . Why must you be such a toil , so selfish ? The next letter was very crumpled . It was blotched , too , great splatters over the ink , rain or perhaps tears . Mr . Farringdale frowned when he saw this and rose to tighten the window against a sudden draft of air from the street . You spoke to the headmistress ? Why didn 't you tell me you were here ? Did you not wish to speak to me ? Are you very cross ? We are not wicked children , Papa , I promise ! If you saw , you would understand . I can barely hold this pen , so flimsy have my fingers become . In a day or two they will be little flakes and threads of bone . If you would only come and visit us ! We are sorry we caused you distress . Christmas seems very far away . Your affectionate daughter , With shaking fingers , Mr . Farringdale undid the final envelope and slid out the paper . It was limp and wrinkled , showing all the signs of having been drenched in water or dropped in a puddle . The ink was faded in places , so much it was difficult to read . There was no address on it . No stamp or postmark . We are going to the pond . We are tired of the school and Jack agrees it will be best . You said in your last letter that Mistress Hannicky didn 't know of Jack . She doesn 't of course , and that is because Jack lives on the moors like I told you . He said Mistress Hannicky wouldn 't know him either way . He says he would frighten her . He is very pale , you see , and he has black spots on his cheeks like an old cracked mirror . I think it is perhaps from some terrible country disease that they do not have in the cities . I must write quickly now . Jack says he will take care of everything . He will take care of you , too , he said , isn 't that nice ? He has told us about it , and all will be well . We 're going out soon , into the night . There 's another way , a loose lock into the herb - garden behind the kitchens that the headmistress doesn 't know about . We 'll go out onto the moors and we 'll take off our shoes and in we 'll go for a little swim , Jack says ! It won 't bother me , and Harry is made of wax . Wax is waterproof , isn 't it ? Isn 't it what they seal bottles with ? Then he put all the letters back in a heap and hurried to a cupboard . He rifled through newspapers , records , old correspondence . He came upon a file . He snapped it open briskly and took out a piece of paper . It was a twelve hour journey by steam - train from Yorkshire to London . Never - mind that it would have been undertaken by two children in freezing December weather . They would never have made it to the station in Leeds let alone to London , to Mr . Quitts ' house , in the wee hours of the morning . " No , of course not , but can you explain to me how a man drowns when he is all alone in his house and asleep in bed ? How he chokes on four pints of black and brackish water ? Can you tell me this ? And how the correspondence of both parties from a dozen months come to be lying on his bedside table ? No , I think you cannot . " " Found ? No . Only their shoes . The school lies on the edge of the moors , Mr . Farringdale . There are many bogs and little holes there , some very deep . What look like silvery little ponds might be wells a hundred feet deep . They went searching for them when the notice came in from the headmistress . They had poles and bloodhounds . They dragged every pond and climbed into every crevice . But there was nothing . No bodies . Not a strand of hair . Only two pairs of shoes rowed up in the moss . Those children went out that night and there 's no telling what became of them . Just the wind out there now , the search - leader told me afterward . Only the wind . " It is late July , and Nanny and Jane and Paris and I , though I am very small , are taking the steamer from Belmont , across a chugging blue sea , to a little white town on the coast . This is my first time going . Well , it isn 't really , but I don 't remember the other times ; this is my first time going where I am clever enough to know about it , so I 'm quite excited . I 'm afraid I 've mostly forgotten about the other summers I went . I only remember bits and pieces of them , like everything inside my head is a glass and I dropped it . I remember the great glossy mango leaves , and dripping lemonade pitchers , and sitting on a step and digging my toes into the hot , dry dust . I remember someone being scolded . But it is all rather indistinct . It doesn 't matter . Last year , quite without me noticing , I shot up like a little plant , and now I am very clever . I can do additions , and I can speak long sentences and not become confused . This summer , when I go to the white town on the coast , I am determined to remember everything . We are staying with a Mistress Frobisher , who owns a pretty house a small ways outside of the white town , about a mile from the sea . We had to take a wagon to get there and Nanny 's trunk opened when the farmer loaded it up , and all her clothes fell into the road . It made everyone laugh , except Nanny . The house , I noted when we arrived , had a red roof and white - washed walls and blue , sun - baked shutters . We have only one neighbor , though there are other , similar white cottages scattered along the road leading toward the town . Mistress Frobisher is a very proper , buttoned - up sort of lady . She is a friend of Mama 's , I think , though she is not a friend of ours . I don 't know why she is Mother 's friend . Perhaps because she has such a nice house . When we arrived , she straightaway gave us a list of rules : I had decided to wander by myself , which of course was number five on the list of things I was not allowed to do . We were in a hot part of the country , and Nanny had warned us that there were snakes in the brush , and large spiders , and possibly lions . But I was tired of sitting about on the front step and waiting for Paris and Jane to do something interesting , and since I am six now , I went off behind the house when no one was looking and hurried away into the canopy of green and leaves that edges the back garden . I wandered for quite a while . I passed a sad little gurgle of a brook , climbed over great boulders , went ever deeper into the green woods . The air buzzed with insects , and the leaves were huge as giants ' faces . The trunks of the trees did not only have bark on them like they did back home , but were also wrapped with snaking vines and clumped with mushrooms . I saw a lizard , and it saw me and blinked . And then I came to a field . There was a cottage in the field . It was a plain , stone cottage with plants climbing the crooked walls . A woman was out front , tending to a patch of a garden . She was dressed in bright , flow - y clothes and she had a cloth wrapped around her head , like a turban . Her stockings were very colorful , red and orange and purple braid , with plenty of frills and bobbins . The woman was far too old to be showing stockings . She was surely twenty , or forty - three . But I didn 't mind . I thought she looked wonderful . She was singing to herself , very prettily , in a high , piercing voice : The woman did not see me . She worked away , plucking beans from soft green tendrils and poking about in the dirt with her stick , and all in such a lively happy way , like everything was her friend . She continued to sing , now something about a cloud and a sailboat and cockroaches . And then , all at once , a large , hairy animal rounded the corner of the cottage . It spotted me , standing in the field . It was a dog , and it began to bark . I had such a fright . My heart leaped right into my throat and I turned tail fast as I could and fled back to the trees . I did not stop until I was sure the dog was not following me . Then I crept back to the edge of the woods and peered through the leaves at the cottage . I got a little bit lost on the way home . I walked through those hot green leaves , on and on until I came to a river . It was not the gurgling brook I had encountered on the way there . It was very wide , and I had to cross it on some strange , knuckly sort of logs that moved and shifted under my weight . I found the road again shortly afterward . All would have been well , except Mistress Frobisher was cross when I got back . She had been fretting . So had Nanny . They thought I might have been eaten by crocodiles , the sillies . They both seem to be quite unaware of my developments . I didn 't think anything of telling them ; I supposed I thought if Nanny and Mistress Frobisher knew I had been near people and houses they would not be so frightened , but it was not so . Nanny and Mistress Frobisher exchanged hard , quick glances , and then Mistress Frobisher took hold of my arm very cruelly and said , " You must never go there again . Wicked child . " " Much speculation over that woman , " said Mistress Frobisher , wagging her finger . " By the townsfolk . Much speculation . One time , as I was walking that way collecting - well , collecting things , I saw a goat in the window of her house ! A goat , looking right at me , saucy as you like ! " We set off just after tea . Paris had run ahead a little way . I was with Mistress Frobisher and she was holding my hand . She thinks I am still a baby , I know it . We were about halfway to the town , walking under the arching boughs of some trees when we met Jintzy on the road . She was coming from the opposite direction , and it was the first time I had seen her up close . From a distance she had already looked tall and lovely , but up close she was simply magical . She was like a fairy queen , or a princess out of a storybook . She had a strange , beautiful face , and her eyes were slanted and very bright , as if there were bits of stars in them . Her hair was tied up in a scarf , and as she came up the road toward us , her colored sashes swished in the summer breeze . " Of course you are . " Jintzy 's eyes crinkled at the corners . " Silly me . " And then she dropped down in the road in front of me and whispered in my ear , " In fact , I shouldn 't wonder if your cow is a bit jealous of you , what with such a wonderful age as six . You must be very careful not to let her know . " " Shh . " Jintzy put her fingers to her lips . Her eyes were laughing , and I was laughing , too , but when I looked up at Mistress Frobisher , her mouth was like an iron pincer , shut tight . I stopped laughing . For a moment there was only the chirp of birds . Then Mistress Frobisher said , " Come along , child , " sharp as a pin , and pulled me away from Jintzy . But Mistress Frobisher didn 't begin walking . She simply clutched at me , and we stood in the road , very still . " Well , " Jintzy said , standing and brushing the dirt from her green and purple knees . " Good day to you , Mistress Frobisher . And you . " Jintzy smiled at me . Then she went on down the road , soft - foot in the puddles and the moss , stockings flashing in the sunlight . Today there is a carousel by the sea and we each have a little stub of ticket to go . I 'm practically bursting with anticipation for it all . I have never been on a carousel before . Well , I have , but I was a baby then . I said it loudly , because I wanted to be sure they heard the first time , but I did not realize that Mistress Frobisher and Nanny had caught up quite a lot . I did not realize that Mistress Frobisher was standing directly behind me . I realized it very quickly , however , and turned . I looked up at her face and then down at my shoes . Mistress Frobisher said nothing . She stared at me , her mouth like the iron pincers again . Then she said , " On with you . Get to the sea , " and we children went running up the road as quick as we could . When we rounded a bend , out of sight of Nanny and Frobisher , Paris cuffed me for saying nonsense in front of grown - ups . The carousel was grand . For several minutes after the incident with Mistress Frobisher , and after Paris cuffed me , I felt sure the day would be spoilt and that I should be forced to pout for the rest of it . But then Paris , who is such a jolly - jolly , laughed and pinched my arm , and said , " Oh , come now , she is a cow , you just mustn 't say it so loudly or she 'll begin to suspect , " and I laughed and joined Jane and Paris and rode the carousel four times around , which made me quite proud . One of the little boys fell off . That made me even prouder . I didn 't fall off , and he was just a baby . I held on very tightly . On the way home from the carousel , something dreadful happened . Nanny had taken off her shoes to sit with her feet in the sea and she had not buttoned them up all the way for the journey home . And then , as she was walking , she twisted her ankle in the rut on the side of the road and because her boots were very loose , she broke it , the ankle , with a sound like a snapping twig . She screamed very loudly . We children stopped , startled , and were very concerned for her . Mistress Frobisher soothed her and tutted and ran to the nearest house to ask for a buggy and a donkey or a mule of some sort . We children made way for her right away . But Mistress Frobisher hissed like a cat , and Mr . Brock growled , and said , " We don 't want your help here , keep going . " And so Jintzy did . She gave us children a quick , sad smile , like she was sorry Mr . Brock was such an oaf , and gathered up her basket and all the things that had fallen out of it , and went on down the road without a word . " Too much strangeness , " Mistress Frobisher said to our neighbor over the fence that evening . The light was golden and hazy . Nanny was in the kitchen , her foot up and a cold cloth on her forehead . Paris and Jane were writing letters home . I was playing in the acacia tree and I don 't think Mistress Frobisher knew I was there . " I heard she catches little animals with those cages . And what does she do with them , I wonder . It 's anyone 's guess . Imagine if a child should fall in . Living in that cottage all by herself . With a goat . There 's something wrong with that one . " At dinner , Jintzy was brought up again , this time by Jane . She said , " Jintzy was in our yard today . I was out reading by the orange tree and she passed me and said it was shortcut to the road and she hoped I didn 't mind . I said of course I didn 't . " I scowled at Jane . I would have preferred it if I had been in the garden then , and that Jintzy had asked me . But I had hardly any time to think about it , because Mistress Frobisher sat straight up in her chair and screeched , " Good heavens , child , you didn 't ! Strangers on our property ? What were you thinking ? " But Mistress Frobisher would have none of it . " No ! She is a dreadful creature , and everyone agrees . The neighbors and half the town . Laila Ishkeri said Jintzy might well be throwing curses at folk , making people ill and making them hurt . " She nodded at Nanny 's foot , which was still very swollen . " Of course , she doesn 't do it directly . Not in plain in sight . She 's far too clever for that . But Mirka said there was shadow on her window one night , and there 's been talk of creeping things in the town . " Mistress Frobisher narrowed her eyes and when she spoke the next words her mouth was red and wet , like a wound : " If she comes again tell her to put on some reasonable shoes and to take the road like everyone else . It simply doesn 't do to be nice to certain people . " " No , you don 't ! " screamed Mrs . Frobisher . " You 're just a child . You haven 't learnt anything yet , and you don 't know how the world works . " I thought this very insulting . I was six . I knew about a lot of things , like additions and carousels , and I wasn 't like that baby who had fallen off . I don 't know what Mistress Frobisher was talking about , ' hadn 't learned ' . It was Saturday when the most startling part of the summer happened . I had not expected anything startling . I had expected lemonade and peppermint leaves and dust , but I had not expected this . I was helping Nanny shell peas in the kitchen when I heard it . Her ankle was up on the chair . " A ghoul ! " came the shout through the window , faint and dull , but coming closer . " A ghoul in the town hall ! " People were in the road , running toward the town . The neighbor woman was stumbling out of her house , tying down her bonnet , and others in the road wore no bonnets at all , and looked quite disheveled and in a great hurry . It was a bright , hot day . Someone , I couldn 't see who , kept screaming , " Ghoul ! Ghoul ! Ghoul in the town hall ! " " A what ? " I screamed at the passing people . " What 's a ghoul ? " But just then I saw Mistress Frobisher in the crowd , her face gray and determined , like a soldier off to war . When she saw me , she said , " Stay with Nanny , child ! Inside with you ! " And then she passed by and went along with everyone else . Nanny was distracted . She kept glancing at the window , and picking at the same pea - pod over and over . " It 's a dreadful , terrible thing , " she said , her eyes darting . " Oh , dear , it 's born of shadows and witchcraft . It eats the dead , I heard , eats their bones and eats their eyes . " Immediately I thought of the conversation I had overheard in the acacia tree , of the shadows in the town and the creeping things . I thought of Jintzy , and what Mistress Frobisher had been saying about her being a witch . I hoped it wasn 't Jintzy 's ghoul . I hoped she was all right in her little cottage behind the woods . I came to the town quickly . The houses looked bare and shut - up . No one was out . I raced into the square . It was there I found the townsfolk , crowds of them , jostling and screaming in front of the government hall . " Yes ! " Paris exclaimed , turning to see me . " At least , I think I did . Oh , it 's dreadful . You can 't even imagine . It has so many arms and legs , and they have too many joints , and it has three heads . One 's lovely , and one 's sleeping , and one 's squished like cabbage , and the skin is green and rotting and has so many teeth ! " Paris would have said more , but just then the crowd surged forward and we were separated . I was bounced about until my head felt quite numb . I kept hearing , " How dreadful ! Oh , I do hope they kill it ! Oh , look ! " And while I tried to look , everyone else was much taller , and so I only heard . Dreadful shrieks were coming from the town hall , through the open door . The sound was echoing and bouncing up the white fronts of the buildings and into the bells in the church tower . " The ghoul has been transformed ! " the shouting voice said . " The ghoul has taken on the form of one of the townsfolk ! " It took me several seconds to realize the voice was Mistress Frobisher 's . And that was when pandemonium broke out for sure and certain . The crowd pushed me right into the hall , and I saw Jintzy , or what looked like Jintzy , for a split second , only her hair was disheveled and there was blood on her lip . I saw her bright stockings flashing . I did not see her eyes . They were closed , perhaps in pain . And then one of the ladies caught me and dragged me outside , saying , " Away with you . The ghoul might enchant you straight out of your senses . " I never saw Jintzy after that . The times I slipped away from Nanny and Mistress Frobisher and went to her cottage it looked quite bare and desolate , and the garden grew wild , and the half - hidden window disappeared entirely behind the twisted , bushy tree . I wondered often if Jintzy had moved away due to the trouble with the ghoul . There were six things Mabel Mavelia could not abide . The first was toast , the second was tea , the third was parakeets , all sorts , the fourth was her father , the fifth was her mother , and the sixth was the great , tall house on Curliblue Street , in which they had made her live . She hated that one most of all . By way of rebellion she had locked herself in the attic . " Why can 't we go back ! " Mabel had screeched . " I don 't like it here ! I don 't want to live here , and why do we only do what you and father want ? What about me ? " " Oh , oh , " Mabel 's mother had said , coming after her , great silk bustles dragging . She was rather breathless , and she kept wringing her hands and reaching out toward Mabel , as if she could not decide which gesture might be more useful . " Don 't cry , please don 't cry . I know the city isn 't what you 're used to , but - Well , if you would only give it some time - " " I 'm not coming down , and I 'm not opening the door , ever . " she shouted at the door . " Also , I hate you . " Mabel was a strange child . She was sickly and pale , like salt , but a bit sharper , and her gray eyes were so huge in her thin little face that she looked to be in a perpetual state of bewilderment . She was not a bewildered child , though . No . Mabel knew exactly what she wanted , or thought she did , and she knew exactly what she hated , or thought she did . She hated her parents and she hated the house on Curliblue Street . She stared about the attic , her hands clenched at her sides . It was an ugly room , squeezed under the eaves . There was a window with four frosty panes in the roof , a desk , and a wooden chair without a cushion . The wallpaper was yellow . Mabel went to the chair and sat down . She listened for a sound from the other side of the door , but there wasn 't one . Her mother had already left , tutting and smoothing her curls . Mabel scowled out the window . The City . Chimneys and gables as far as the eye could see , hills and valley and forests of rooftops , rolling on forever . The sky was a gray swirl overhead , like a windstorm about to descend . Mabel hoped a windstorm would descend . She hoped it would sweep the City up and fling into a dustbin and the dustbin would go to an incinerator and . . . and that Mabel would escape suddenly and miraculously and everyone else would become victims of the conflagration . Give it time , Mabel thought bitterly . She didn 't want to give it time . She didn 't know anyone in Curliblue Street . The people were all tall and gaunt and gray - faced to her , and the city was vast and anonymous , and her new school was full of starched , sallow - faced children who stared at her like cows . Or like her dolls . She always put her dolls in the corner when they looked at her like that , but it was not allowed to put other children in corners . Far , far below , in the nice part of the house with its red drapes and bric - a - brac , Mabel thought she she heard sounds - - the clink of silverware , laughter and conversation . Dinner , going on without her . The sounds made her sad . And then angry . They shouldn 't be talking and eating without her . It wasn 't fair . They should be sad , too , sad about living in this horrid city , sad about living on Curliblue Street . She rapped her knuckles on the desk . The sound echoed in the room like a pistol - crack . Mabel jerked a little in her chair . She peered over her shoulder . It was perhaps not a very good place to be , she realized . The room was very small . The yellow wallpaper was very hideous . And there was no light , and evening was creeping across the city outside . It was becoming quite gloomy . Mabel looked about , huge eyes darting . She wasn 't going to be afraid . She was going to stay up here until her parents begged her to come down again . " We 'll bring you back to Heretofore , darling ! Whatever you want , only please , please come down . " After a while , it began to get very dark in the attic . Almost pitch - black . The only light came from the four small panes in the roof . She ran her hand over the yellow wallpaper . It was rough and old and rather nasty . She tugged at a rip in it . A long strip of it came away in her hand . And then she saw that there was no wall behind it . No boards or plaster . There was nothing . Emptiness . Behind the thin layer of yellow wallpaper , was another room . A conservatory of sorts , made of glass and full of foliage and flowers . The flowers were very odd to look at . Some were brightly colored , others were gray like rotting meat . They stretched on for what seemed like forever . There were little contraptions , too , like mechanics . Little hands to pat the soil , and little glass tubes to measure the fertilizer , and little chicken - footed watering cans to water the roots . A puff of warm air flew into Mabel 's face and blew back her hair . It was thick air , heavy with damp and earthy smells . She hadn 't known there was a conservatory in the house on Curliblue Street . It wouldn 't have made anything better , but at least her parents could have told her about it . It was just like them , not telling her the good parts . She stooped in front of a flower shaped like begging hands and sniffed it . She thought it smelled like laziness . She went on to the next one , a rose with an eye at the middle . Mabel 's heart leaped . She stared back at him , like a rabbit . Her face twitched a little bit . She didn 't like the look of that boy . He was younger than she was , and yet he had a tiresomely clever , self - satisfied face and golden curls that would take Mabel hours to put up . Mabel thought the boy looked rather haughty . " You 're not old enough to be a Mr . Anything , " Mabel snapped . She really could not abide children who made a show of themselves . She would have to add that to her list . Mabel watched the boy carefully , every move , every swing of his darting hands . When he passed close by again , Mabel made a move to catch him . " What is this place ? " she asked , running after him . " Tell me at once . Am I in the next house over ? Did I cross the partition wall by accident ? " Oh , good , Mabel thought . " Well , what are you doing in our attic then ? Are you a thief ? Does my mother know you 're in our greenhouse ? " " My skin garden , " the boy repeated . He stood and lifted a silver watering can labeled " Pity " and laid its spout gently against the roots of a plant . Purple liquid dribbled out and the dirt drank it thirstily . " What - ? " Mabel cleared her throat . " What 's a skin garden ? " It would have been nicer to continue quarreling , but curiosity had gotten the best of her and there was nothing she could do about that . " What do you plant ? " Mabel glanced around her , at the leaves and up at the ceiling . The night pressed against the glass above . She wondered if her parents would come looking for her now . " Oh , I plant everything , " the boy said . " Kisses , and faces , and words , and sorrows , and bits of fingernails , and flakes of skin . Drops of tears , and blots of ink , and horrid mistakes and mortifying secrets . " " You 're not old enough to have a job . And no one wants their mortifying secret to grow anyway . What a stupid sort of job . " She hoped that would wipe the haughtiness from the little boy 's face . She was suddenly glad her father had a dull , respectable place at a bank . Perhaps she could throw that at the boy shortly . Mabel frowned at the boy 's back . " I don 't know what you 're talking about . Does fath - does Mr . Mavelia pay you ? " Mabel chased after him . She 'd had quite enough now . Everything the boy said made a tiny , flitting bit of sense , and then she didn 't understand it at all . Well , Mabel decided to be just as annoying to the little boy as he was to her . " Oh . " Mabel thought for a second . Then , " What would happen if you cut them ? What would happen if you took those scissors there . . . " She stabbed a finger at a pair of silver shears . “. . . and snipped them all down and made them into a bouquet ? " From the box he took three small objects . One appeared to be a handful of words , like printer 's blocks . Another was a few ribbons of musical notes . And the last was a pearl , black as a dead man 's heart . " See here ? I have three things from this house . Your mother read a book , and I do believe it will stay with her many years . And here is the song your father heard the other day on Fangdiddy Street , . There was a gypsy boy with a three string violin , and the sound of it touched your father 's heart like a knife . And here are the words you told your parents , yesterday over breakfast . " " Was that my flower ? " Mabel flew to his side . " Was that me ? " She felt a bit panic - stricken , though she couldn 't say why . The flower was frayed and gloomy around the edges . Mabel 's first thought was to be insulted . But then she saw the center of the flower . It was red - a lovely , rich red . It made Mabel happy to see it . She stood there in her white dress and smiled a little bit . " It 's very nice , " she said softly . " Hmm , " the boy said . " It 's not much to look at . The petals need work . " He turned away . It was a simple motion , perhaps not even intended as a slight , but it stung Mabel . She frowned at his back . He was such a short thing . She wanted to clobber him . " That 's yours , " she stated , and she said in a flat way because the instant she saw it she was overcome with a deep , wriggling envy . The boy 's flower was far prettier than hers . Its petals were blue , speckled with gold , and its leaves were such a dark green that they were almost black , glossy and smooth as eels . At the flower 's center was a glittering poof of golden pollen , like a brooch pinning a marvelous bow . Mabel stared at him , and then at the flower . She looked sullen . She was not being sullen , though . Mabel Mavelia 's mind was clicking like a typewriter . She couldn 't stand that boy just then . His nose was in the air , and he had such a perfect know - it - all face , and she hated his careful garden , and she hated that he had a job even though he was just a baby , and she hated everything . Before she knew what she was doing , Mabel took up the shears on the little chair and charged toward the great flower . The boy 's eyes widened . Mabel 's mouth was pressed into a thin line . She came to the flower and snipped it right through the center . It was like cutting a snake in half . The skin was thick , and as soon as the blades sheared through it a wash of red liquid oozed out , dark and slow . But the boy was just standing there , a look of abject terror on his pale face . He raised a hand , as if to grasp Mabel , as if to stop her . But then the flower fell , its petals tickling Mabel 's neck , and the boy fell , too . He had been cut clean in half . Mabel 's glee faded a little bit . And then it turned to fear . The boy didn 't have bones and blood inside him . He had many little birds and little music notes and little hopes and dreams , glimmering like stars . And when he fell they all dissipated , flying into the skin garden and vanishing among the leaves . Mabel dropped the shears . They clattered to the floor . She spun , as if she were afraid someone might have seen her . The flower continued to ooze . And then she heard noises , voices calling her , and something inside her snapped . She picked up the two empty halves of the boy and dragged them to the dirt and laid him in the soft earth . The flower 's ooze was all over her , on her hands and face . She scrabbled and dug . Then she patted the dirt over the boy 's eyes and fled through the garden , under the glass mullioned roofs , past plant after plant that seemed to grasp at her as she went . She came to the wallpaper , slashed through it . She fled the attic and went down the stairs . Upstairs , behind the little door , behind the yellow wallpaper , Mabel 's flower stretched its roots into the dirt toward a pale hand buried there . The hand had begun to grow roots , too , from its fingertips and from under its nails . The finger - roots met the flower - roots . Slowly , it began to wrap itself around them . The next morning Mabel woke with a start . She 'd had such a terrible dream . Her heart was still heavy with it , heavy as a stone . She got up and walked about her room . It was regular , hideous , she thought , with its silly paintings and its silly fireplace . And then she remembered the boy and the dirt closing over his staring eyes . She hurried upstairs and peered into the little attic . It looked quite harmless . The yellow wallpaper was slashed , but there were only boards behind it . " Mr . Pittance , " she called . " Mr . Pittance ? " And then , quietly . " I suppose I 'm sorry . I did not want to , but I was so angry with you ! Please don 't be dead ! " But if there was a skin garden on the other side of the wall , it did not show itself . Mabel didn 't know whether to be relieved or terrified . If there was a skin garden there was also a beautiful flower with gold - speckled leaves lying on the floor , and a chopped stem , and a little boy with golden hair , buried in the earth together with a pair of shears . And if there wasn 't . . . It was all just a dream . It had to be . She watched the milkmen and the ice - men and the automobiles clogging the streets , and watched the smoke rise from the chimney forests , and it was all so deliciously normal that it convinced her she had done nothing wrong . She had only dreamed it . Dinner time in the Mavelia household was salad . Mr . Mavelia had become taken by a new craze , which was to eat only salads and drink prune juice for as long as was humanly possible . Mabel 's mother approved of this craze . Mabel did not . Dinner was served by the maid . She brought in the tureens , three silver dishes with silver domes . She laid them on the table , one for Father , one for Mother . . . The maid lifted Mabel 's dome with a flourish . And for an instant , Mabel thought there was hand on the bed of salad inside , a pale hand reaching out of the puff of lettuce and onions . Mabel gagged . She tipped from her chair , about to be sick . Mabel woke that night , ice - cold . She had heard a sound , and it was not a good sound . Slowly , her eyes adjusted to the darkness . Something was hovering over her bed . A monstrous plant , its long , thorny arms coiling and snaking , black in the night . It had come in through the doorway , and Mabel could see its hide glistening in the hall and all the way up the attic stair . And in the plant , skewered on its thorns , was the boy , Mr . Pittance . " Oh , you did want to , " the boy said , and his angelic face was no longer kind . " You planted me in the skin garden , well , come and pick the fruit that grew . " And here he held out his hand , and in it was what looked like an apple , only it wasn 't an apple , it was a bloody , beating heart . Mabel leaped from her bed . She took up the lamp and lit it with trembling fingers and hurled it at the boy and the writhing vines . They burst into flames . So did the drapes . The smoke came fast and thick , and then the screams , and Mabel was bundled out into the freezing street , coughing and crying . The house on Curliblue Street burned to the ground . Mabel 's parents took her to see a series of doctors . They thought it necessary . Because whenever Mabel looked up or down or anywhere at all , she saw plants climbing the walls of her schoolroom , or filling the streets and choking the City , and the flowers in Pimlico Park always had little mouths with little red tongues , and Mabel could not eat vegetables or fruits because they turned to golden hair in her mouth . She became ill . And then , when she had been like this for several years and her parents had sent her to an insane asylum , she found a little room under the roof , with a little window looking onto the moors . The wallpaper was yellow , ripped and clawed . " Mr . Pittance ! " she shrieked , at the wallpaper . " I 'm so sorry , Mr . Pittance ! I 'm so terribly , terribly sorry ! " Mr . Pittance came out of the wall then . He was just as young as he had been years ago . His hair was golden , and his face was pale and knowing and smug . The only difference was that he had great big stitches across his midsection , and a knotted , gnarled wound . The boy wandered into the room and smiled . It was neither a kind smile nor a cruel one . " Oh , but I never doubted you were sorry , " he said . " It was simply too late then . Too late to pull up the roots . " And he took her tears and he took her scars and planted them in the skin garden . They grew into a pretty , velvety flower , not as tall as her old one , but much hardier , a gray flower with a purple heart . Mabel got better . In fact she became quite merry after that , and whenever new , sad inmates would came to the asylum Mabel would know just how to cheer them up . But when her parents came to visit her they did not let her out . They never let her out . A black tree leans over the rocky road from Harrypatch to Winthrop - a monstrous tree , thick and warped like a rotting blood vessel . Its branches whirl into the sky , strands of ink in frozen water . The countryside all about is bare , and the fields stretch for miles , and this tree is the only one in sight , as if it has frightened all the other trees away . A length of rope is knotted through its crown , back and forth and crisscrossing , and one bit of the rope hangs down , and from it hangs a man - a thief , they say , and a murderer - and now look ! a little boy is coming up the road . He is rich as a too - ripe plum , and round like one , too , and he has little toothpick legs and a jaunty green cap . He stalks along , the pompous goose , swinging a half - sized walking stick made just for him . He does not see the dead man in the tree . He walks , walks , staring at the darkening sky with large watery eyes . He sees the tree . He wrinkles his nose and peers at it . He does not understand what is hanging in it . He realizes it is not a branch or a particularly large and hideous bird . And then , when he is directly below it , he sees that it is a man , and the man is dead . " Who are you ? " Plum Boy squeaks . And then , because he does not want to sound afraid , he says , " Why are you hanging in a tree ? You know , you might startle someone . Come down at once . " Because you see , Plum Boy thinks the dead man is playing a game . And perhaps the dead man is . . . Plum Boy stands quickly and brushes the dust from his velvet breeches . He eyes the corpse suspiciously . Live men should not have such oddly turned necks , he thinks . Live men should not gave such badly blackened feet . The dead man has turned a full circle . He is facing Plum Boy now . His head is cricked over the noose , his eyes empty . He is smiling , like a puppet on a string , because there is nothing else he can do ; he has no lips anymore . " Alas , I cannot , " the dead man says . He sounds unbearably sad . " But come and sit down a while at the bottom of my tree . . . Come and speak with me . " It is lonely , Plum Boy sees . The fields are nothing but bare , wretched humps all the way to the horizon . Night is coming . Perhaps , Plum Boy thinks , if he makes the dead man very desperate . . . Plum Boy stuffs his fingers in his pockets and hunches his shoulders . The dead man continues to smile . His teeth are very white . In life they must have never grown yellow with cane sugar and tobacco and ale like those of Plum Boy 's parents and indeed of Plum Boy himself . He begins to turn away from Plum Boy again , the rope doing another slow , creaking turn . Plum Boy spins and begins to walk again , for good this time . At least , he pretends as if it is for good , but he simply wants the dead man to beg . It pleases Plum Boy when people are desperate for him to speak with them , because they aren 't very often . Plum Boy cannot imagine why . " No , please ! " the dead man cries after him . " Just tell me a few little things . What is your name ? What is happening in the world these days ? Is the tree still blooming in the square in Harrypatch ? Tell me anything , so that I can think on it while I hang here . " Plum Boy sighs . He shakes his head slowly , as if he is pondering some great sacrifice he must make . Then he returns to the tree and pulls out a very large , very flowery handkerchief that been soaked in lavender water and covers his entire face with it . " All right , " he says . " I will be charitable today . But I don 't want to look at you , because you are far to ugly . I live in Winthrope , in a big house that is nicer than all the other houses , and I have a mother and father and four sisters and three brothers and we own the bakery and the pie shop and the coffee house , too . " " How grand , " the dead man says . " And what month is it ? And what is the weather like ? And what is your name ? And what are in your pockets ? " " It is April . Spring , " says Plum Boy . He begins digging in his pockets , almost eagerly . A jackknife comes out , a bit of string and some sticky , nasty , yellow toffees . He lists them to the dead man . " I have a wind - up horse , too , " says Plum Boy , " but I forgot to bring it . " " Yes , " the dead man says . " It was very gruesome . Seven people from the farms , seven people on the forest floor , and they had no eyes and no teeth , but I did not do it . I was an herb - brewer then , and the potion - witcher , but the magistrate said I was the murderer , and everyone was certain they agreed with him . They made their opinions so quick , in an instant , and yet their opinions were strong as stone . And so they hung me here . Who is the magistrate these days ? Is it still the same one ? Still old Master Penniman ? And , boy , what is your name ? " Plum Boy stares up at the tree . The sun is going down . It is an odd picture , a round boy and an ugly tree and a strange dead person , all stamped in black against the bloody red sun . " Who is the magistrate ? " the dead man asks again . His voice sounds precisely the same as it had the first time he had asked the question , kind and a tiny bit wheedling , as if he does not realize he is asking it again . As if he does not care . " Who is the magistrate ? " " Ah . " The dead man stares down at Plum Boy , still grinning , and the red glint of the setting sun is in his cold , blank eyes . For the first time Plum Boy notices that the dead man has iron at his wrists and at his ankles and making an X across his ribs . He is caged in it . But it cannot stop him anymore . Plum Boy 's eyes are dim as old wicks . He feels dull and heavy , like a sack in the rain . He is watching a little figure walking away up the road , as if through haze . At first Plum Boy thinks he has been robbed . His jacket ! The fat little imbecile in the road is wearing my jacket and holding my half - sized walking stick and my lovely green cap ! And then the figure turns to face him . . . Then , with a little laugh , the new Plum Boy wheels and skips away down the road , and the night wind flies around the old Plum Boy and his old , black tree , and turns him on the gibbet , and he must look to the North , though he doesn 't want to look that way . He decides in an instant : he does not like the sight at all . One response so far Pages : « 123456 » |
That was how we prepared for our first cleansing as a team . Every time after that Mike would take us through the same " pre game " , as he called it . We would get breakfast / lunch at an IHOP or Waffle House and then find a Michoacana to get Mike 's supplies . Juniper Park was located in Hoffman Estates , Illinois - about an hour outside of Chicago . According to him there was a family living near the park that had been experiencing poltergeist activity . He was off somewhere else in the country working on another case and felt like this one needed immediate attention . " I 'm on it . " Trish pulled out her phone and started searching for the nearest Michoacana . I just sat in the back by myself , and tried to slip into a nap . Mike just laughed as we made our way to the place . My parents said that when I was a baby they used to drive me around town to get me to sleep . They said it was the only thing that worked . Even though Mike was the worst driver I knew , I still managed to get rocked to sleep by all of the potholes we hit . " Oh , Jacob . " Mike shook his head . " There is always something there . Spirits wander and linger all the time . Now , whether or not they 're malicious is an entirely different thing . More often than not , when we investigate the spirits are benign . But the simple fact is nobody wants granny or grampy wearing out their welcome . We help the spirits move on . It 's not like we 're going in there waving incense and lighting candles just for fun . We 're working , Jacob . That said , we get paid upfront . " Trish put a hand over her face and we got out of the car . The Bachman case was fairly simple . The mother had noticed her daughter talking to an imaginary friend she called Nicholas . Over time , as it often does , the imaginary friend thing started to lose it 's charm . A few plates had been known to fall off of counters on their own . The daughter then approached her mother one day and asked her about " Grandpa Cheryl " . " Well … My father came out pretty late into his life . My mother obviously wasn 't happy . He moved to Vegas and joined a show there . He died at 68 of a heart attack just after a chorus line performance . His stage name was Cheryl . " Mrs . Bachman started sobbing . Clearly the subject of her father was a sore one . " No but … I didn 't want my daughter to know , at least not this young . And whatever this things is , it 's trying to get to me . It 's broken plates , it 's moved things around the house . I just want it gone before it causes any more trouble . " Mike assured her we would get it done and that night we started our investigation . Before trying to make contact with the spirit he lit a few Virgin Mary candles from the Michoacana . We each held one and Mike put one in each room of the house . He salted the windows and doors except for the front door . " It 's important , " he told me , " that we drive it out of the front door . It 's symbolic or something , and the only way to kick it out permanently … I think . " We walked around with our candles for most of the night . Trish explained that spirits tended to shy away from a new presence . She started calling out for Nicholas . Apparently it worked , though . According to Trish - the only one of us able to see or speak with ghosts - Nick wasn 't very happy with Mike . After a few minutes of calling Mike a homophobe , Trish was able to calm Nick down . The spirit was one Nicholas Merchant , a former lover of Grandpa Cheryl . According to the spirit the two of them were supposed to meet in the afterlife . After wandering aimlessly he ended up at Grandpa Cheryl 's old home . The fact was that he was a benign spirit and after talking the matter out with him , he moved on . The Bachman family was forever grateful and we left with a little bit of cash in our pockets . Lesson 2 " These are some very old friends of mine , " Trish said . " Please , please don 't embarrass me . I 'm talking to you Michael . " " What ? You know Jacob is here too ! " He wrapped an arm around my neck and pulled me close . " He 's a goddamned troublemaker . Can 't trust the quiet ones , as they say . " " You could learn a thing or two from Jacob , " she said as we got into the car . " Now , they invited us to this because I told them we wanted to learn . There 's always a chance we could run into something like this , and it helps to be prepared . People need to take us seriously . " I fell asleep on the long drive to Connecticut . The people we were going to see were first class demonologists . They had degrees in theology and had all but memorized every holy book there was . If I had to guess , I think Trish wanted us to be more like that . While I was all for learning , Mike was fairly stubborn about it . He liked to play the rebel , or something idiotic like that . When we arrived Trish woke me up with a light shake of my shoulder . " Jacob : he who wrestles with God . " The father smiled and took my hand . " It is a pleasure to meet you , my son . I have heard good things about you . I trust you have all brought the talismans ? " " Ha , ha . You 're really not supposed to wear them , but it will do . Of course , these will only protect you if you have faith in them . " Turning to Mike , " Do you have faith , my son ? " " Of course I do . " Mike looked sternly into the eyes of the priest . " I subscribe to the faith that 's all about money . . . " He smiled and gave the father a light jab in the shoulder . " I 'm Catholic just like you . " " This is serious , Michael . I don 't believe I can allow you in the room if this is how you 're going to behave . The devil will take your humor as a weakness and use it against you . He has many tricks and will manipulate you in every way . I ask you again , do you have faith ? " " Father , I have faith . It may not be your faith , but have my beliefs . " Mike took the rosary off and held it in his hand . He started saying the prayers , starting with the act of contrition . " Very good . All of you , come . Please do not be taken aback by what you will see . I promise all of this is a necessity and you will find out why soon enough . " With those words we followed Father Davidson . Walking through the church , past all of the empty pews was surreal . I hadn 't been in a church for years . I imagined old women praying , taking to their knees out of desperation and devotion . That 's the kind of woman my grandmother was . We walked up to the altar . Following Father Davidson 's lead , we each took a knee and did a quick sign of the cross out of respect . Behind the altar was a hallway that lead to the rectory and to rooms for the CCE classes . The rectory was essentially a small office lined with many books . It was dimly lit and on one shelf there was a candle burning with an image of the Virgin Mary printed on the side . There was a door in the rectory that led to a descending staircase . The light there was even worse . Only two bulbs lit the way - one at the top and one at the bottom . In between there was about ten feet of pure darkness . And at the bottom was a large metal door that almost looked older than the father . He turned to face us , and I noticed that the air was cold . " Hold steady to your faith and God will protect you . Do not engage it , do not listen . These men are professionals and they will handle this . Stay back and observe . " As soon as the large door eased open just an inch we heard crying . At the center of the room , secured to the bed with a chain and metal collar was a little girl . Two young men stood on either side of the bed , bibles in hand praying quietly to themselves . Almost involuntarily I rushed toward the bed . I pictured in my mind all of the things they had been doing to that poor girl . She was chained to a bed . This kind of filth could not go on ! One of the men hit me in the head with his bible and I fell back . I shook off the shock and looked into the face of the man who struck me . He simply nodded toward the girl and continued praying . I looked at her . Her face was angular , like the skin had been stretched tight over her bones . Her green eyes were dilated severely , almost looking black . " Got your nose ! " In her hand she held a human nose , blood and cartilage hanging from it . I put a hand to my face and my fingers slipped into my sinus cavity . The inside of my skull felt like uncooked ground beef . The thing on the bed laughed as Trish and Mike stood me up . I kept shouting and slapping at my face , trying to find my nose in vain . Mike picked up the rosary I had dropped and put it back in my hand . He then grabbed my nose hard between his fingers . " They influence your mind , " Father Davidson told us over coffee later that night . The demon was still screaming at the top of its lungs in the other room . " Almost nothing you see or feel in their presence is real . That bit with your nose , for example . " " That 's the way we found her . When her father reached out to us he was in a very fragile state . The demon had been tormenting him through his daughter for a week . It finally attacked him , biting at his throat and injuring him severely . He was able to bandage himself and bound her with chains . He was then able to improvise the collar you saw , engraving crosses around it to keep the beast at bay . The poor man was afraid . " " Ah . It was a corruption of the name Hey Chet Shin . That 's one of the seventy - two names of God in Hebrew . Each one is like a different aspect of God 's power . " Juniper : Preliminaries The house was quaint . Every time we pulled up to a home I compared it in my mind to the Amityville House . This one was much smaller . It had a second floor but didn 't seem to reach much higher than necessary . The paint needed some attention , as it had started to chip in places . The maroon color had also begun to fade . Grass was starting to breach parts of the sidewalk and the overcast skies didn 't help the aesthetic . Mrs . Landon met us at the door and led us to the living room . The smell was something like Pinesol and potpourri . On a large brown sofa sat Mr . Landon . He was a typical man in his late forties . His brown hair was combed back , barely hiding how thin it was getting or the greys growing here and there . His wife sat next to him , her brunette curls bobbing lightly . They both had the same , haggard looks . Their eyes were desperate for sleep . Whenever they would blink it would last a little too long . " Mr . And Mrs . Landon , " Mike began , " please give us a history of the activity . We 're like doctors that way . We need the symptoms to identify the problem . " Last year our daughter turned thirteen . She had hit puberty and everything . She started getting interested in boys . She finally hit that age where kids are really embarrassed by their parents . So we got her to box up all of the stuffed animals and things she had been piling in her closet . My husband and I took the boxes to the basement . We knew one day when she was older she might want them and even if not they would always be nostalgic to us . One thing she did hold on to was a stuffed rabbit . The rabbit had a friend , a bear , named Ruffles . The bear went down into the basement with the rest of the toys . The rabbit stayed in its place on our daughter 's dresser . Well every so often our daughter , Sara , would storm out of her room holding Ruffles and screaming about how she wasn 't a kid anymore . She 'd throw us the bear and we 'd put it back in the basement . We talked about it and neither one of us had moved the bear . So we decided Sara must have done it . She had probably taken the bear back and then felt childish about it , hence the childlike temper tantrum . Eventually that stopped all together , with Ruffles staying put in Sara 's room . But after a few months of nothing the bear started to move again . It showed up in our shower , on our nightstand , in our laundry . But the strangest part was that every time we would return it to Sara she would look at it vacantly , and thank us in a monotone voice . Lately the bear has been active again . Only now it doesn 't just move , it shows up where something happens . My husband 's work has been very stressful lately and we 've gotten into more than a few arguments . And every time there 's a quiet shuffling noise and then the bear is there . He 'll be sitting on a table or our bed just watching us . And last week a picture of the family here in the living room shattered while we were watching TV . It didn 't fall , the glass just broke . And there was that damn bear , sitting on the floor under it . And lately we 've been hearing things in the walls . We called an exterminator but he couldn 't find anything . What bothers me most is we haven 't seen the bear in three days . Sara hasn 't seen it anywhere , and she doesn 't seem to care much . At this point I 'd rather have it moving room to room than not knowing where it is . " Alright , " Mike finished taking notes and sat back . " We 'll be more than happy to take your case . It 'd be best to get your family out of the house while we investigate . Depending on the strength and intent of the entity it could last anywhere from a day to a week . Find a hotel and we 'll start tonight . " " We appreciate this , " Mr . Landon said . " This … I just want to protect my family . And I feel like there 's nothing I can do . " Once the family was packed up and shipped off we set up our equipment . We had come a long way since the Bachman case . With a lot of the money we had earned from our work we were able to afford motion detectors , small cameras , and emf readers . Mike still lit his candles and placed one in each room . We also developed the habit of each carrying a rosary when we worked . The first night was uneventful . Using our phones as voice recorders we tried asking questions in each room . " Who are you ? " and " Why are you here ? " Nothing we tried got any sort of response . Mike tried antagonizing the spirit but nothing came of it . With nothing else to do Trish walked around the house with her incense and spoke to the spirit pleading it to move on . Mike wanted to tell the family the house was clean . She didn 't smile often , which was sad given how cute she was . Trish was actually a few years older than me , but looked much younger . Her hair was black like mine , but so much darker . And her eyes almost seemed to match her hair most of the time . They were brown , to be clear , but were just so dark . I had seen them change on the job when she was in touch with a spirit . Those eyes could go from a chestnut with excitement to black with melancholy . And her skin was pale , but in a pleasant ivory sort of way . I told her as much once , when I was too drunk to know better . Trish told me that no matter how hard she tried to tan , she only burned . " He was a lucky guy . Now though … I almost feel sorry for dragging him into all this . Around junior year of high school my abilities intensified and started to interfere with my day - to - day . But Mike always hung around . Even after we broke up , he wouldn 't leave . After graduation he started learning everything he could about demonology . As I 'm sure you 've guessed , Mike has a problem with rules . So he started to piece together his own way of doing things . " " Ha , ha . Exactly . He used to do this thing when he was a kid . I think he considered it some sort of game ? But he would drag me out into this field behind our neighborhood and we 'd catch grasshoppers . I hated bugs , so I guess he was either teasing me or trying to toughen me up . Mike would bring these film canisters from home to catch them with . He would sneak up on them and then pounce like a cat . He 'd always yell ' I 'm a ninja ' whenever he caught one . " " Feel free , " she laughed . " You know , I think that catching grasshoppers might have actually made my fear of bugs worse . Every now and then I have nightmares about bugs swarming me . And every time it sounds like bugs beating on the inside of plastic . " Trish shivered . " That sound is the worst thing ever . " " Jacob , you know how we leave the front door of a home unsalted ? The real reason we do that is to give the spirit an out . If you back something into a corner and there 's no way out , it 'll do its damnedest to go through you . Remember that . " " Trish , I 'm serious . What if these people aren 't really being controlled by a demon ? I think I remember something about how the devil can only whisper in your ear , not work you like a puppet . So what if that 's all it is , just some really convincing whisper ? What if everything a ' possessed ' person does is just the manifestation of all of their inner evil ? Like , what if the demon just says the word and these people reveal their true self ? All it takes is a whisper . " Juniper : Imploring and Imperative Formulae The second night at the Landon home was more eventful . We did our usual routine , salting the windows and lighting candles . Almost finished with the prep Trish called down to us from upstairs . Mike and I ran up and when we got there Trish was at the window , salt in hand . I salted the door just fine and turned to find Mike struggling with his lighter . He asked for mine and I handed it to him . Try as he might , he could not get the lighter to catch . I turned the light on in the room and heard shuffling behind us . All three of us spun around , facing the door . On the other side of the salt line was a teddy bear . " Jacob , keep your eyes on the bear . Don 't let it out of your sight . Trish , try talking to it . " He got out his phone to record for possible EVPs . " God damn it ! " Mike bolted for the door . He looked desperately around the hallway . " I told you to keep your eyes on the bear ! " Mike ran for the stairs and Trish and I went after him . The footage showed the bear appearing at the door . The hallway was dark and the only thing that was visible was the bear sidestepping into the doorway . And when it disappeared it took a single , slow step and was gone . " This is the best piece of evidence we 've gotten . We have to find that bear . It could be the next Robert or Annabelle ! " Mike was too excited . He went from room to room looking for the bear but came back with nothing . The only place he hadn 't checked was the basement . As a group we decided to head down together . We grabbed some extra salt , candles , and put on our " Holy Holsters " . Mike liked the idea of having holy water on his hip like a spirit gun . To me it felt like I was wearing a fanny pack . At least the ridiculousness kept me from being afraid . The basement was dark and the lights didn 't do much to fix that . It smelled like a storage unit would : stale and humid . We found the boxes with Sara 's things easily . They were sitting in a corner near a paved wall . The water heater was across the basement on its own , so at least there was no chance at a fire . There wasn 't much else down there . Mr . Landon had a spot with tools and a workbench . Other than that , Sara 's things , and a section of holiday decorations , the basement was sparse . We split up to cover every nook and cranny but nothing turned up . With nothing left to do we decided to head back up . Our " lock in " was almost up . Daylight would hit sometime soon . Mike led us up the stairs and stopped at the top . Sitting a few feet outside the doorway was the bear . Mike ran at it and Trish tried to grab him . The door slammed and Mike hit it face first . He fell backwards and I tried to catch him before he hit the bottom of the steps . The two of us rolled down the steps together and Mike landed on top of me . But his head hit the cement floor with a loud , wet crack . After a good five minutes Mike finally came to . He told us about having some sort of delusion while he was out . But the first thing he said when he came around was " Fuck you , Ruffles . " " Basically , when I passed out I had a really weird dream . " Mike took a sip of coffee . The first order of business after investigating was getting breakfast . " Except it wasn 't really a dream , you know ? It was this memory from middle school . You know how kids get all lovey dovey before they really know what it means ? Well there was this girl back then , I can 't remember her name , and we had a thing . We were always going on about how we loved each other . " Well it didn 't last long , obviously . It was a summer thing and when winter came it all fell apart . I remember my dad being a real dick about it . I was all broken up and he just kept calling me a pussy and telling me to ' man up ' . I don 't remember much else . " But in this , I don 't know . . . Delusion ? I saw that girl clear as day standing in front of a big tree . There was snow everywhere and she was telling me about how she loved some douche named Tyler . Anyway , I was crying , she was crying . It was a whole thing . Now I hadn 't remembered all of this in a long time . But one thing I know for a fact is she didn 't say what she said in that delusion . She told me ' You 're going to die alone . Sad , alone , and screaming . ' " " That means I 'm not supposed to sleep for a while right ? Men ! Rally some Redbull ! It 's going to be a long one ! " We went back to the hotel and looked over the footage . The only thing there was the bear footage . Nothing else happened on camera . Watching it again , it almost seemed like the toy had been swallowed by the shadows of the hallway . Its legs barely moved at all . If one wasn 't aware that the bear had been known to move , it probably would have just looked like it disappeared . We called the Landon family and told them what we had found . After a while we decided to rest up for the next investigation . We got to the house around eight that night . We checked the salt seals around the house . Everything was still set up so we got the candles going and went dark . Mike grabbed the thermal imager and we started our first lap of the house . Our eyes were peeled for the bear , but aside from a few groans from the house , nothing eerie happened those first few hours . We would take breaks to check the cameras or snack . During the investigation I let my mind wander . When I was a child my family lived in a ruddy apartment complex . I loved living there . I made my first best friend there , a girl named Christina . We had a small community center with a small children 's library . I read all manner of books from there . It was my favorite thing about that neighborhood . One day I was outside , reading on the stairs . A bunch of older boys came by and started picking on me about something . This teenage girl from upstairs , who I had talked with and played with a few times happened to come out while this was happening . She told the boys to shut up . But kids are evil and they kept on . So she leaned over to me and kissed me on the lips . That was my first kiss and it was from an extremely attractive older girl . Needless to say , that shut them up . I had completely forgotten about that . Mike and Trish were looking at the cameras , running through some footage on a separate screen . I told them I was heading to the bathroom and I went . The bathroom had a nice homey feel to it . The shower curtain was a light purple with lotus flowers . The soap dispenser was a matching glass color . Clearly Mrs . Landon had decorated this one . I looked around while I took a piss and smiled at the comforting touches . The back of my neck itched , so I scratched it . When I was done I sighed with relief . It felt like I 'd been holding it for a week . I spun at the whisper in my ear . There was nothing but darkness in front of me . I remembered . It was late and I 'd been at work all day . More than likely my sister Lindsey was still out showing off baby Danielle to her grandparents . I flipped on the light in the living room and dropped my keys on the table . In the light I realized my zipper was down . God , I 'm so stupid . I bet they saw this at work and didn 't tell me . Those assholes . I zipped it up and went for the stairs . It was hot as hell in there . My sister was always getting cold and would flip the heater on . Even if the heater was on , she 'd still turn the heat up . She really needs to get her own place . She had been living with me for a long time . My sister and I were pretty much best friends , as sad as that sounds . Her and her boyfriend - soon to be fiance - David were looking for a place . But he had to travel all the time for work . So needless to say it was taking a while for them to get out . But I loved my sister and the baby was actually pretty well behaved . She didn 't wake me up very often , though the same couldn 't be said for Lin . " Yeah . " I had been caught in the act . " Jesus , Lin , " I said walking to the stairs , " you really have to quit it with the heater . " She was at the landing on the stairs . But the light was off so I flipped it on . There she was , holding little baby Danielle . She smiled that same smile she always had . One time she stuffed her face with a bag of Cheeto Puffs and her face was painted orange while she grinned . Her hair was wet , like she had just gotten out of the shower . And her arms were slit open , dripping into a pool at her bare feet . " No . You don 't get it , Jake . Look at her , " she ran a hand along the baby 's cheek , smearing crimson on her face , " She 's … she 's just too beautiful . " She raised the knife over the child and I charged at her . I grabbed at her wrist , trying not to harm the child in the clash . She bit at my neck and got me good , but I was able to wrestle the knife away from her . After that she just collapsed . I got the baby before it could fall . Lindsey lay there , convulsing for few seconds before falling still . I tried talking to her , getting her to wake up but she just stayed motionless . I called 911 and knelt by Lindsey 's side until they came . I cried , holding the baby . And as the sirens neared Danielle started crying too . I opened my tear filled eyes and I was in the Landon bathroom , cradling a teddy bear . Looking down into its black inanimate eyes I immediately felt cold . Ruffles slowly writhed in my arms . Involuntarily I dropped the damn thing and slid myself across the tile . Then I realized it might get away . Quickly I grabbed a bath towel and slammed it over the bear . At that it started flailing around like a cat in a bag . I wrapped it up like a bindle and held it at arm 's length . With my head clearing I finally heard Trish screaming downstairs . And I heard something in the walls . Only it didn 't sound like one something . It sounded like thousands . " Where the fuck were you ? ! " he yelled at me as he scrambled around in one of our bags . " I 've been calling you for the past ten minutes ! That must have been one hell of a piss ! " I had never seen Mike angry . The happy go lucky guy I had seen was gone . Furiously he tossed the bag aside and started on another one . Finally he found what he was looking for . He pulled out two thick books , one of them the Bible . He draped his rosary around Trish 's neck and hit her in the back of the head with the Bible . She flew forward and lay still on the ground for a second . Mike helped her to her feet and threw his arms around her . " Yes . Yes it was . You had me scared , damn it . " He let her go and looked her over . " Are you okay ? " I handed it to him and explained about the bear . Mike shouted in excitement and pulled a small lockbox from under our work station . Going on and on about how this was going to change everything for us , he opened the box and dumped the bear inside . Then he stopped . He just stared into the box and didn 't move . Mike called us over and we looked down . The bear had landed on its face . Its body was expanding and contracting . It was breathing . Every time it exhaled vertebrae could be seen in its back , ribs in its sides . Mike slapped at it , trying to flip it over . Finally it turned . Its face was twitching . The spot where its mouth should have been started to open . It started to tear open , fluff popping out . An autopsy incision started to form on its front . The sound of tearing fabric finally stopped . Dirty fingers started to creep out of the bear . Trish went over with her phone so the girl could call her parents . What kind of parent would let their kid roam around in a haunted house all day ? They must be really busy to not … " That 's funny , " it laughed , " have you ever been to hell ? " It dug its nails into Trish 's throat . " It gets pretty hot . " A small stream of smoke was rising from its arm . The rosary Trish was wearing was burning it . Trish threw her head back , trying for a headbutt . It didn 't connect but it gave her a chance to get a hold of her holy water and spray the demon girl in the face . It screamed and let go . Trish ran over to us and asked Mike for " the book " . He handed her the one that wasn 't the Bible . I glimpsed the title : Rituale Romanum . With an open palm to its face , Mike slammed the demon down to the ground , head first . He stood , unwrapping the rosary from his hand . The girl was still and unconscious . We did as he said . When we had everything down there we found him blessing chains from Mr . Landon 's work station . He wrapped them around the girl , binding her in the center of the room . The chains sizzled against the girl 's skin . Trish proceeded to draw a circle of salt around her at Mike 's direction . We then placed five candles around the circle for extra security . When Trish started to begin the reading again , Mike stopped her . " No . We just tried that and it laughed at us . We 're doing this my way . " She tried to object but he stopped her . " I know how this works . There 's a formula to this . That 's all that matters . " Mike wrapped a rosary around each of his hands and stepped in front of the girl . He said an Our Father and tossed holy water at her . That 's when she woke up . " Ha , ha , ha . " It laughed . The voice coming from the girl was low , guttural . It sounded like old wood creaking from strain . " What are you doing Michael ? " " No ! " It yelled , the voice reverberating through the room . " No ! He 's not saving anyone ! Your God has abandoned you ! Your God is dead ! " It giggled . " What am I saying ? You have no God , do you Michael ? " It stared deeply at Mike . " Mike , " it said in a little girl 's voice , " I 'm sorry . I can 't do this anymore . " " I 'm so sorry … You 're going to die alone . Sad , alone , and screaming ! " It 's voice returned . " And you , Jacob . " It grinned at me . " She 's … she 's just too beautiful . " I shook my head , trying to stop seeing my sister covered in blood . " Look at her , " it nodded at Trish , " Isn 't she just gorgeous ? " Once again its voiced changed . This time it was a breathy male voice . " Those legs … those breasts … Just … so sweet ! " Trish stifled a cry . Dark drool was flowing through the demon 's teeth and down its jaw . " Lord have mercy ! " Mike yelled . He tossed holy water as he spoke . " Christ have mercy ! We plead with you ! Save this girl ! " The demon flinched , being barraged with Mike 's attack . Mike rushed over and put both hands on the demon 's face . The rosaries on his hands made the demon yell . Mike whispered rapidly into the demon 's face . " Lord , giver of life and hope , I ask you to free this girl - cage this beast and send him down to hell , Lord God . Take this girl 's soul into your hands , breath your light into this body , in your name we plead Lord , Jesus , Amen . " With that the demon 's head went limp . It stopped moving . " Trish , Jacob , wrap your hands like mine and get over here . " We did as he said . We all lay hands on the girl and started to pray . The three of us each said a different prayer and the demon started to convulse under our touch . It screamed and screamed . Finally it went still once more . The color of the girl 's skin started to return . Mike checked her eyes and her pupils were starting to contract to normal . The demon had left . She flipped open the Rituale Romanum to the back . Father Davidson had written the seventy - two names of God there . She thought it over . " Hm … Yah Mah Vet … Yud Mach Tet . . . It was really warped , but the closest thing I can find to it is Samech Yud Tet . " After that horrible experience we needed to blow off some steam . We needed to take time to get out of our heads . We didn 't even bother to clean our stuff out of the house . As soon as the Landon 's left with their daughter we went to a bar . It was hands down our worst case . I didn 't ask about Trish 's delusion and they didn 't ask about mine . Although Trish did make a slight reference to it . The two of us talked about nothing for a while . It was nice enjoying someone 's company like that . Trish had a nice soft side to her , just like I had found out Mike had his other sides too . I wonder … Could we have something here ? Trish smiled while she talked . It 's a shame she doesn 't smile like that more often . It 's really cute . I thought about my sister . There was definitely no way in hell that Mike was right . Not to mention what we had just done . But the whole time he talked I couldn 't stop thinking about my sister . It was the saddest moment of my life . I knew my sister , and that wasn 't her . I wish I had noticed in time . There are always signs . But the fact was I hadn 't noticed . I worked all of the time , I was never home . I could wish I had been there for the rest of my life and it wouldn 't change anything . That 's why I started working with Mike and Trish . I looked her over . My eyes moved up and down her body . She was really attractive . The alcohol gave me some false confidence . And something in me stirred . " You 're just too beautiful . " I told her . |
Well , that turned out to be a very sad Queen 's day . A man in a car drove through a crowd of people at high speed and through barriers and tried to drive it into the open bus that carried the royal family . Luckily , he veered of course and came to rest at a monument which he hit with high impact . Bodies flew through the air and people laid wounded in the street . Four people died , eight are wounded critically and six are wounded mildly . All festivities of the day in that town they were visiting were canceled . It was a deliberate attempt at assassinating the royal family . Before they cut the suspect out of the car , he admitted as much . I didn 't hear this news until I met Von downtown and she told me about it and I was shocked , because such things just don 't happen here . Well , now they do , I guess . Now Queen 's Day will never be the same again . When I came home at six , I watched the news immediately and saw the whole debacle on film and the consequent horror . It 's very sad and it surely left its mark on my afternoon . Suddenly I didn 't feel like celebrating so much anymore , and I was subdued the whole time . Von and I had a cappuccino and then went to the park to listen to a blues band that was pretty good . The park was packed with people , young and old , and there were refreshment stands all over the place . After listening to the band we walked around a bit , but it was almost impossible because of the crowd and then decided to go to a Greek restaurant to eat Tzatziki , which is a very thick creamy Greek yogurt with gralic and cucumbers in it . My portion was just enough to eat for me , it was very filling , but it tasted delicious . I had to wait 50 minutes for my bus to take me home , apparently a bus had a break down somewhere down the line . I made it home 5 minutes before six PM , just in time for the news and enough time left to cuddle the Überhund . I am sorry , I feel exhausted and completely deflated because of the news . I think I will put on my pajamas and call it an early night . A little bit of sleep puts everything back intPosted by I have such a hard time waking up in the morning . The alarm clock wakens me out of a deep sleep and I need at least an hour to pull myself back into the land of the living because I have been so sound asleep . I sleep like a bear in hibernation . Quite befuddled I sit on the sofa with my mug of coffee and forget to drink it while I try to remember who I am and which day I am living in . In the meantime the Überhund wants my attention and rubs his head against my hands repeatedly and I absentmindedly rub his ears , but woe is me if I stop . I smoke my cigarettes , but I am unable to get a fresh mug of coffee and sit with my half cold one and just don 't know what to do . The minutes tick away and it keeps getting closer to eight AM , when I absolutely need to get in the starting blocks , which I then do , quite suddenly and then there is no stopping me . I go on automatic pilot and do all the things I need to do in the correct order , so I won 't forget anything . It isn 't really until after I 've walked the dog that I 'm fully awake and can say I am present and accounted for . Then I look at the clock to see how many minutes I have left to have another cup of coffee and if I can afford to be a few minutes late and how quickly I need to ride my bike without having an accident . I figure I can decently be five minutes late and it is not really a big deal . Anything past that is rude . During the break in ergo therapy , I met the new creative therapist for Tuesdays and we told her honestly that I had been intimidated to come , but she was ever so nice and took the time to show me around the room and showed me all the different projects I could try working on , which made me quite excited , because I saw things there that I had not seen in the other creative space . Working with lino cuts for example , which I am already sure that I am going to try first and working with Arabian gum and water and ink , which makes real nice effects and all sorts of other things . I was like a kid in the candy shop . But . . . we must address this initial fear I have to Posted by The alarm clock woke me at eight AM this morning , which is really a good sign , because it means I 'm sleeping well and would probably sleep even later if I could . As it turns out , I think the bed is a much better place for me to sleep in than the sofa was to sleep on , as I am really more comfortable and sleep deeper and steadier and don 't wake up with aches and pains . Nouri keeps me company by laying right beside my pillows and there is always at least one other cat laying on top of me . The Überhund sleeps on his pillow beside the bed . It 's all very cozy and you see that the animals do like your company and seek it out . So , after I got up , I did my slow waking up routine , which includes petting the dog while he sits between my legs and goes into ecstasy , because he loves to have his ears scratched . Then he barked at me , because he wanted to eat . It was his eating bark , which is high pitched and kind of urgent . I made cigarettes , a whole pack full , and had another coffee and then got dressed and walked the dog in the rain and got very wet . Considering I had to get on my bike and go to the clinic , this did not make me very happy and I wished for it to stop raining , which it did not . I gathered my things together and was ten minutes away from leaving , when I decided not to go , and it was only partially due to the weather . I suddenly chickened out and thought that I would feel more comfortable if I met the new therapist first and investigate the new work space , so I would not suddenly find myself in a strange place with a new therapist whom I did not know . Somehow , this way of thinking seemed logical to me and it gave me a way out and I realized that I had been feeling a bit of pressure about it all that I was ignoring . I 'm really not a very brave person and imagine all sorts of uncomfortable scenarios in my head before I have to start a new venture . I 'd rather make sure everything is safe ahead of time and soothe my own mind . This left me perfectly nicely dressed and made up unexpectedly at home , so I gave myself some compPosted by I finally got off the sofa , which was slowly mangling my body and limbs and causing me to get up like an old a lady in the morning , and slept in my freshly made bed , after I also screwed in an extra energy saving light bulb in my double fixture lamp , which made the bedroom look cozier and extra inviting so that I liked being in there better . It still is an awfully big room for just that one little single bed and I do feel kind of lost in it , but I slept well and only read half a page in my new book before I was asleep . Needless to say , I have no idea what the book is about and I will have to read that same half page over again . I woke up at 3 : 30 AM to go to the loo and for one whole minute thought I was awake and that I should stay up . Luckily , I had the sense to go back to bed first to see if I was really done sleeping and fell asleep again almost immediately after trying to read the same half page in that book again and this time it made even less sense . The alarm clock woke me at seven AM and it was going off for quite some time before I realized what that irritating noise was . I must get a friendlier sounding alarm clock , one that has bird song or something pleasant like that . If the alarm clock had not gone off , I would have slept a lot later , so I think sleeping in my bed is an overall better experience for my night rest . Tomorrow morning I get to sleep until 8 : 30 AM and we 'll see if I make that . It took me almost 50 minutes to get into a functioning mode . I sat and had coffee and cigarettes and petted the dog . You see how I like to live dangerously and postpone everything right down to the last minute . Then , suddenly , I got dressed and made up and fixed my slept on hair and medicated the dog and took him for a walk . When I got back , I just had enough time to make a portion of cigarettes to take with me and drink one last cup of coffee . That left me with seven minutes to get to the clinic . Luckily , everybody else was late and I was the first one there . It seemed that the buses are on a holiday schedule now and Posted by I have to remember , that when my mood is very flat and I 'm dragging my body through life like it is a sack of potatoes and I can 't seem to get happy and excited , that I need to go and sleep ! It 's an absolute prerogative and it doesn 't matter what time of the day it is and what I should be doing instead , because what I must do is sleep a few hours and I will wake up refreshed and much happier and I will no longer be dragging my body through life . I seem to need a certain amount of sleep that is greater than what the average person needs , at least when my mood is the way it has been lately , and it does me no good to get up at 8 AM and think that I am ready to start the day and that a cup of coffee will clear the cobwebs from my mind and give me the energy I need . I need to take my medications and go back to sleep as long as it doesn 't interfere with me having to be somewhere at a certain time . I think that on the mornings that I need to get an early start , I must try to go to sleep early the night before and try to let nothing interfere with my sleep and sleep until the alarm clock goes off . I must get this absolutely straight in my head and it seems to me that it 's a lesson I should have learned by now , but it fakes me out and confuses me and makes me make the same mistake over and over again . This morning I was all ready to take a long nap when the Exfactor showed up for several cups of coffee . He said he didn 't want me to feel lonely on a Sunday , which was very kind of him . After he left , I walked the Überhund and then turned on the TV to some inane program that didn 't interest me and fell asleep and slept for several hours and when I woke up , I felt so much better . It was like I started a brand new day with a brand new attitude and suddenly everything didn 't seem so difficult anymore . I did waste the whole afternoon , but what a healthy way to waste it . I have to get that sign out again that tells me to go to sleep and lay it on the coffee table where I can see it and be reminded of it constantly . Aren 't I a silly pPosted by No , I shouldn 't say I 'm at my laziest , that 's not the problem . In spite of the fact that I am starting to feel a bit better emotionally , there is still the aftermath of the depression , if I am indeed over it . My mind feels a bit better , but I have very little energy to spare and I mostly just want to eat and lie on the sofa . I am taking extra vitamins in the hope that it will help a bit , but I 've run out of my multi vitamins and just took an handful of vitamin C , some Omega 3 capsules and Kelp Lecithin , the last one is good for your metabolism . I thought I had another pot of multi vitamin tablets , but I can 't find it anywhere and have to keep looking for it . I know it must be somewhere here . Sometimes I clean things up too well and I am over organized . I had a bit of a slow start this morning and couldn 't quite get my act together . The coffee didn 't help either . I felt like my head was stuffed with cotton instead of the usual gray matter . Then my keyboard stopped working and I messed around with the cable where it enters the keyboard and finally got it to work again . It 's a very precarious thing and I will have to get a new one . First I have to find out how expensive Toby is going to be this month at the vet . Anyway , the Überhund was not having a slow start and demanded to be taken out , a visit out back was not good enough . I distracted him with food , but it didn 't help , so I had to get dressed and take him out . I was so thoroughly unexcited about this . The weather was warm and muggy and it had rained during the night . The sun is shining now and it would be a good day to sit on a café terrace , except that the ride over there is too much work for me . I 'm no longer tempted by the beer and probably would have cappuccinos instead . My sister just called , because she wanted to take the dogs for a walk and was surprised when she met my resistance . I told her that I didn 't give a hoot that the sun was shining , for all I care , it could be raining right now . The farmers need it , and I think it would be very cozy inside with soPosted by I feel like I 'm a nurse in a vet clinic taking care of the animals . I give the Überhund his Fortiflex for his osteoarthritis in the morning wrapped in a slice of meat and then apply two sorts of ointment to his eyes , because both eyes are infected , I repeat this process in the evening . In between , all day long , I am picking off the scabby snot of Toby 's nose , so he can breathe , and I 'm cleaning his eyes . He doesn 't like this very much and puts up a struggle , so I have to grab him by the skin of his neck and be quick about it without making an enemy out of him . So far , this seems to be working , because he does not actually run away from me , but lets me pet him afterwards , so maybe in his dim little mind , he knows it 's necessary . Since cats can only breathe through their nose , he sounds terrible and you can hear him from some distance and I have to keep the passages open . I do find that I have a lot of patience when it comes to taking care of sick animals , so maybe I 'm a natural and I missed my calling . The Überhund is very good about having the ointments put in his eyes and doesn 't put up a struggle , he is completely resigned to it and when I tell him to scoot closer , he actually does . Those poor critters in my sickbay . I hope the other two stay healthy . My day started off kind of slow with an undetermined mood , It felt that it could go either way and I sat behind the computer for a while and drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes . When I was fully functioning , I walked the dog , but when I came back , I was so tired that I laid down on the sofa and took a nap , from which I woke rather refreshed and hungry . I had something to eat and made a shopping list and went to the grocery store , where it was very busy and many shopping carts blocked the aisles . I very rudely shoved my way through them , because I am very single minded and when on a mission , stick to my goal and get to the things that are on my list and nobody gets to stand in my way . Especially not little old men who have very doubtful looks on their faces as thPosted by My cat Toby is pretty sick . He is sneezing and coughing and has runny eyes and a very runny , snotty nose , which I need to keep clean for him so that he can breathe . He doesn 't like this , but I have to do it . I took him to the vet tonight and he said that Toby has the " sneezing disease " , which I can 't find a translation for . He gave him a shot of antibiotics that will last for two weeks and hopefully he will be a lot better then , If not , we determine the rest of the treatment . It is contagious , but since the other cats are showing now symptoms , it means their resistance to it is high or they would have gotten it already , . Poor Toby was so miserable in the cat carrier and then we had to sit a while in the waiting room surrounded by dogs and Toby was pathetically meowing nearly the whole time . Things were more interesting to him when he saw the vet and got to come out of the carrier when the vet listened to his breathing and gave him his shot . Then we had to manhandle him back into the carrier , which he did not want to get back into , but we managed in the end . He was really happy when we got home and I opened the carrier and he could walk out of it and be in his familiar surroundings again , but now I don 't see him anywhere and I think he has walked away angry . He is probably sulking somewhere . I 've started on a new sculpture at creative therapy this morning , after having a heart to heart talk with the therapist who had talked to my ergo therapist and we straightened out some misunderstandings . As by now I am really tired of discussing the subject , I won 't go into it again here . Needless to say , I have a lot to learn . The new sculpture is hard , as I have to do a lot of guess work and I 'm going slow and trying to place myself in the mind of Henry Moore and what he intended to show with the rest of the sculpture that I can 't see . Somehow it has to make sense . When we took a break I sat in the smoking room , deep in thought and unable to loosen up and get into the conversation . I 'm not back to normal yet . I tried to make smaPosted by I 've put off writing this post all day , because I assume you want a nice cheerful one and that 's not what you are going to get . I feel that I should write a cheerful post , that I owe you that much and I have felt under a great deal of pressure because of it . Now , at the end of the day , I am just going to write whatever pops into my head and not worry about disappointing anyone . I have done nothing today . Absolutely nothing . Mostly I have been asleep on the sofa and that is the reason why I never did get out of my pajamas . Every time I thought I was done sleeping , I was not , because I would get up and run into a wall of sadness and to me that is a sign that I need to go back to sleep until it is gone . So , I slept and slept with the TV on in the background . I slept and dreamed and woke up and turned on the computer and shut it off again and went back to sleep . Every time I was up and felt my nerves get the better of me , I shut the computer down and went back to the sofa were I laid down and very quickly fell asleep again . Now it 's late at night and I 've read some blogs on my Google reader , but I 've hardly left any comments . It just seemed like too much work and many times I didn 't have anything sensible to say . I 'm sure it is the same way for people who visit my blog . What 's there to say , but I commiserate with you ? Tomorrow is going to be quite a different day . I have creative therapy in the morning , which I have very mixed feelings about . I want to sculpt , but I 'm afraid that the therapist will think that I 'll be sculpting for someone else and will not give me permission to . If she doesn 't , it will mean another blow to me and I can 't handle that right now . At 2 PM I have an appointment with my SPN , which I also have mixed feelings about , because I am starting to feel as if I am becoming a difficult patient and I don 't like that , I hate to be needy and have demands . I very quickly think that my therapist will no longer like me and start to dislike treating me . After that , I have an appointment with my friend Von at a caPosted by Well , you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter 's phone call . That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love . That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night 's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM . I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go , because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with . I usually have a " Eureka Moment " there , so I assumed I would have one today also . I was bound and determined to have one . After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots , I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes , before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic . I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start , but the therapist had an announcement first . The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week . I am doing three half days right now , so I needed to add another three . So , all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add . If it all works out , I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays , a dance class on Wednesdays , providing four other women I know also go , a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays . That 's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays . It 's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it , but I think I will be fine . Or am I overestimating myself now ? I never know until I try it , it will be like having a job and going to work every day . I think it 's good , as it will leave me lPosted by My daughter called me from Texas this afternoon and we talked for about 45 minutes . This did me so much good . It was better than any pill I could have taken or any therapy session . All she did was tell me about all the details of her life and I was an eager listener and asked many questions and it satisfied me very much . My daughter is a wise woman and has her head screwed on straight and makes good decisions , but we had the most fun talking about my grandson and about her vegetable garden . These are very good moments in a day and are very precious . I treasure them like precious jewels . This morning , after I had those two beers , I walked the dog and took a long nap on the sofa and when I woke up , I was sober . I made a decision then and there to not have any beer in the house , because it only complicated matters and was not really a solution . It 's better if I face my problems stone sober and not inebriated . Being somewhat drunk is just running away from what is really bothering me and not facing up to those things . I was not feeling well and very down in the dumps . The things I had to take care of overwhelmed me and I could not face them and pull them off . I cleaned up the kitchen , but that is as far as my willpower went . I called the Exfactor and he agreed to do the grocery shopping for me , which I was not looking forward to . I dreaded getting on my bike and going to the store and picking out the things I needed to get . It seemed like an unsurmountable task and very difficult to be in a busy store surrounded by shoppers with shopping baskets who all had the same objective , to get out of the store as quickly as possible . The Exfactor drank the last beer there was in the refrigerator and I specifically told him not to buy any more . I don 't want to become an alcoholic and that is what I would have to be in order for the buzz of the beer to last all day long and that 's silly . I would rather drink coffee and decaf and take my tranquilizers and eat a decent meal now and then . I told the Exfactor that sometimes I felt suiciPosted by I put it off for an hour and a half , but then I could not wait any longer and went to the refrigerator and got me a cold bottle of Hoegaarden . I know I will feel better only as long as the alcohol is in my body , but I just want a quick fix so that I don 't feel this awful stress that I woke up with . I have just about finished the bottle and feel better already . Yesterday afternoon at one point , actually closer to the evening , the effects of the alcohol wore off and I was back to reality . I didn 't cope well with it , but after I walked the dog and watched the news , I put my pajamas on and took a long nap on the sofa . A very long nap . It was past midnight when I woke up and turned on the computer thinking I would be awake for awhile . I answered some emails , but pretty soon felt the sleep returning to my body and went back to the sofa where I quickly fell asleep and had very strange dreams about early Judaism and the origin of the rituals . It had to do with the power of numbers and the importance of the penis . When I woke up this morning , I loathed my sculptures , although I remember loathing them last night as well . It seems that is where all my trouble started yesterday . With my therapist 's refusal to let me make more , when I was so ready and willing to go to work on one . I know that this is something I will get over . This feeling won 't last . I don 't know what my day is going to look like . I am drinking my second Hoegaarden now and I know I have to go to the store to buy milk and some other things and price beer , because there is no doubt about it that I am going to buy more . I 'll have to sober up before I go . That causes me to feel much stress . The empty bottles have to be taken back for their deposit money and I just can 't wrap my mind around that . Well , I 'm sorry that this is going to be such a short post . I guess I don 't have it in me to write a longer one . I have to get dressed and walk the dog after I finish this beer . I will write more later today . Ciao . . . By the end of the morning , at creative therapy , I was in the bottom of the deepest hole and in tears and I could not see my way out and everything seemed senseless and useless and futile . I could not create any work and had cleaned up all my things and sat at the empty table with a cup of coffee waiting for it to be time to go home . But then the tears came and they were soon noticed by the therapist who came and sat with me and I told her how my moods fluctuated from very happy to very sad and how I could not predict them and how very frustrating that was and how much of a panic they caused me and how being in the pit of despair made me feel suicidal and that I could find no reason to keep on trying . I used quite a bit of paper towels to wipe away my tears and blow my nose in . It was not a pretty sight and off putting to the other people there . The creative therapist made me promise that I would call my SPN as soon as I got home , and even though this also seemed futile to me , I promised I would . So when I got home , I started another bawling session and felt very sorry for myself and had to get that out of the way first . When I had sufficiently composed myself , I called my SPN and told her the sorrowful tale of my changing moods from one extreme to the next and how I did not have my household under control anymore and how it was all starting to be too much for me to handle . She reminded me that these fluctuations in my moods go with the time of year and there is not much that can be done about them , but to take care of me as well as we can in the meantime . She suggested I get someone to come over whom I trusted and I could only think of one person and that was the Exfactor , and she said that was fine . Anyone who was safe and trustworthy and had my best intentions in mind would do . So , I called the Exfactor in tears and explained the situation to him and asked him to come hold my hand and to please bring a couple of beers , because I really needed to mellow out and forget everything that I felt was waiting for me . The biPosted by I decided to take my camera into my own little postage size piece of back garden and shoot some pictures of what is growing there now . To the right you see the winter blooming Jasmine which has gotten quite green over the last two weeks , and over the top of it you see the different leaves of what I assume is a tree , because it is growing rapidly and is as tall as I am now . I have no idea what sort of tree it is and it popped up out of nowhere , but it is welcome here and I must get a closer look at the leaves , so that maybe I can identify it , The Exfactortook the tree identifying book , but I 'll ask him to bring it the next time he is here , so we can figure it out . Then there is the Prickly Bush which I suspect is a tree also , because it has amazing growing capacities despite having been cut back several times . It just comes back twice as hard . It is pretty to look at and also got here quite on its own , but the branches are covered in thorns and are very hard to handle , so it 's best left alone . Beside it , to the right , is also an interloper of unknown origin that needs to be cut back because of the washing line and you can see that I really need that book , for I have no idea what it is . Mother nature just gives me these bounties of her hand . This is the tall Golden Rain now and it has gotten very green , but in a short time it will get yellow blossoms and it will be a sight to behold . It 's absolutely gorgeous . Our neighbor says that it interferes with his tomato growing abilities , but I 'm not cutting it down for a few measly tomatoes . He 'll have to find a sunnier spot for them . Old people can be such a bother and get their mind set on things . Luckily , they are going to their caravan as soon as the weather allows it and he has a vegetable plot there , where he can putter around to his heart 's contend . This is the littlest tree I 've got and it is a mountain ash berry , just like the other three trees I 've got . I may have called them different things in the past , but that 's what they really are . It also settled here on its oPosted by Is it my imagination , or am I having many lazy days lately ? Please tell me that it 's my imagination , because I would hate to go through life as a not diligent Dutch housewife . I mean I do do the odd job in the apartment now and then and I do take very good care of myself . That ought to account for something , should it not ? I am always well put together , the fact that the Queen can 't come over for tea at the spur of the moment should not be held against me . I am striving to follow in the footsteps of my late sister in law who was not a great housewife , but an immensely interesting woman to hang out with and whom I loved dearly . She was always in the mood for any sort of conversation and no subject was taboo , and she had a good sense of humor too and she was very emancipated . Can you think of a better role model ? The fact that she didn 't scrub her kitchen sink on a daily basis didn 't seem so important . She wasn 't married to her house . Anyway , I sort of wiled away the hours doing many mostly unimportant things , though once in a while something mattered quite by accident . Like spontaneously and unplanned cleaning up the kitchen to the point that the counters were free and clean . And going through my mail and throwing away everything that was unimportant and non threatening . And picking up heaps of dog and cat hair that had bunched up together under the furniture . That will be the bane of me yet . I took a spontaneous nap on the sofa , because I was suddenly overcome by sleepiness in the middle of the day and fell sleep with the TV on , watching a very interesting program about the Holocaust Museum that was built by the same architect who got the commission to build the memorial at Ground Zero . I can 't think of his name now . Just a minute . . . Daniel Libeskind . It 's a shame that I missed most of the program , because it was very good . I find daytime television on the weekends to be very interesting with lots of good documentaries and good interview shows . When I 'm not behind the computer , I find that I turn the TV on for company Posted by It was raining so hard this morning , that I was forced to call my sister to ask her to drive me to creative therapy . It was a hard decision to make and I had my druthers about asking her and I even thought that she would refuse to drive me there , but I called anyway and she agreed to take me whilst letting me know that she was very busy , but I just thought , " Don 't go shopping where the store is closed , " and waited patiently for her to pick me up . We were there in a jiffy by car and she agreed to pick me up at 12 : 30 , while all the while she was letting me indirectly know what a great inconvenience it was to her , by telling me all the things she had to do today , but I 've had a change of attitude and think that I should just let her talk and not let it bother me one bit , because really , what 's the big deal ? I had brought two small books with me to start on an altered book , so when I walked in , I said to the creative therapist that I was not going to work with clay anymore and that I was going to do something completely different . So , together we pulled my attempt at a free form sculpture of it 's pin and then I was allowed to drop and pound all the clay back into a rectangle so it would fit into its bag again and this was a lot of fun . You drop it from a great height onto the table surface and listen to it go splat and mesh into a solid form . You do this repeatedly until it is one solid rectangle . Then something fun happened . A lot of the sculptures that we had worked on were pulled out of the oven and there were three of mine there . That meant that we got the paints and the paint brushes out and went to work on the sculptures . I painted mine black at first and then with three shades of bronze and one shade of gold gave them a patine color , which is tricky if you 've never done it before , but lots of fun once you get the hang of it . I was determined to get them done today , because together they weighed 7 kilos and I would not be able to get them home by bike . One of them was even to fragile for that . I worked as quickly as Posted by |
Almost every Labor day , we go on the church campout . We have been doing it since the kids were little . We reserve a group camp site , pull in whenever we can and camp . It is supposed to be organized but when I am the organizer . . . things run fast and loose . But not on Sunday morning . Sunday of Labor day weekend is the day we do a 14 er . Now let me explain . A 14er is a mountain peak in Colorado the people like to hike . There are 54 of these peaks and they are scattered all over the state . We do one that is close to our campsite every year . Before we start to hike on that Sunday , my husband and I agonize about which one to do . We pull out the books and read about them looking for one that is " easy " . I always have to laugh when we pick one and it is rated easy or a level 1 . . . like it is a walk in the park . If you ask my opinion , there is no such thing as an " easy " 14 er . The easiest one I have ever done , I got close to the peak and started to cry . . . told everyone in my path that " I can 't do this . " Of course , when I got to the top , you would have never known that I acted out . The last 14 er we did was a long one . It had a long winding path to the tree line . I decided I was having a heart attack about 20 minutes into the hike . My husband started to talk to me and I bit his head off . I was hoping that I could turn around . The tape in my head , for every 14er is the same , " What are you crazy ? Your in no shape to do this . You are gonna have a heart attack ! " Then I go into the . . . " Well , if I have a heart attack , if I drop dead than I am gone , that would be better than some of the other options " . . . and it goes on from there . The group went ahead of me , like always and I am known as " the weak link . " Finally , I made it to the boulder field . I decided I was done . I was just gonna sit and wait for the group to come down . My youngest had been up to the top and was on his way down . " Mom , you can do it . . . the peak is just up there . " I started to cry because he was right but it felt too hard . . . " No I can 't , I 'm too tired " and then the other son shows up . . . " Come on Mom , you can do this . . . you 're gonna be sorry if you stop now . " " NO " I said , " I 'm not going . " Then , out of the corner of my eye , I saw my husband . . . of course he made it up way before me and was on his way down . . . " Honey , come on , the peak is right there and I know you can do it . I 'll hike back up with you . " What could I say to that ? I bit his head off 4 hours ago and he was right back at my side . So , I took 5 steps and took a breath . Then I took 5 more and another breath and after about 20 rounds of that , there it was . . . the peak ! I stood there for about 5 minutes before we had to get down because a storm was coming in . Hiking down is no picnic either . The last 14 er was about 9 miles total . . . 4 . 5 up and 4 . 5 down . I remember thinking we were never going to get down and after about 3 hours , we were in the parking lot . We piled in trucks and went back to camp . Typically , when I get back to camp after a 14 er , I head straight to the margaritas and camp chair by the fire . By the time I am on my second Marg , I can cook dinner . I generally limp around all night and after I think I have had enough to kill the pain of the hike , I go to bed . I say goodnight to no one , crawl into my sleeping bag on my blow up matress and pass out . . . not only from the margaritas but from the hike . Yesterday , Jim and I were at it again . We had the Colorado 's 14 er book out and were planning the hike . " Let 's do Missouri " I said . Jim said it seemed like a hard one . " Yeah , that 's right , we need an easy one " I said . We decided on Mount Columbia because it 's supposedly a level 1 through most of it and a small section of level 2 . It 's also 10 . 5 miles . Nothing easy about 10 . 5 mile hike even at sea level . . . picture the lack of oxygen at 14 , 000 feet . So , wish me luck . If I have the heart attack I am sure I am going to have . . . thanks for the friendship and love . And , if I make it to the peak , I will take a picture and post it . But , you guys at camp . . . I drink those skinny margaritas , my camp chair is blue and make sure the fire is roaring and I will thank you forever ! Saturdays in the fall . . . after school starts , inour house consists of marching band from 9 - 5 and a cross country race thrown in for good measure . Today was no different . My middle kid ran in the first cross country race of his senior year at 9 this morning and then went to marching band practice . My youngest kid decided he was not running for love nor money , so I took him to marching band practice at 9am . The Queen did band and cross country her whole high school career . She never did make varsity but ran and loved being on the team . She even ran when she was the Drum Major . . . not so much in the races but after band rehearsal every day , she met up with the team and did her miles . My middle son didn 't think he had a choice and by the time he realized that he did , he was hooked . Hence , he has run his whole high school career . I really wanted my youngest to run . I thought it would be good for him and he would get to hang with his big brother . " I hate running " he said , " But I haven 't ruled it out . " I am sure that he said that just to shut me up . But it didn 't . The other night , I threw a fit just to see if he would run . I yelled a little , I even cried and it seemed like he was almost going to run cross country just to shut me up . The next day , my middle son said to me , " You know mom , I think you almost had him . If you throw one more of those fits , and really turn it on , he may change his mind . " I had to laugh because he had me pegged . To make a long story short , he ain 't runnin ' . Since the boys were gone to band , and the Queen no longer lives here , it was Jim and I . I decided we needed to get organized . I remember as a kid when my mother wanted to get organized . She would say , " I gotta put my rolla - skates on and get going . " Then we would hear the Bobby Vinton music playing loud from the record player . Today , I turned on the " classic rock " and started moving . I assigned Jim a task that has been on my to - do list for a long time . Meanwhile , I got the kitchen clean , floor mopped , and plants trimmed before I knew it . Then I started on laundry and decided it would be nice to clean my boys rooms for them and do their laundry because they are pretty busy . I looked at my watch and it was 3 pm . Marching band practice is hard work . It takes a toll on your body . . . holding up and instrument and standing tall for hours . It also takes a toll on your brain . They have to memorize the music and the placement on the field all the while standing tall . I decided since I was having such a great day , I would bring them ice cream to end theirs . I headed to the grocery store and bought 120 ice cream sandwiches as a treat for the end of the band practice . That way , I get to sit and watch the last 15 minutes of the band and marvel at my kids . When band was over , the director told the kids that " The Ritter 's brought ice cream " and a loud shout went up from the 96 kids there . They walked over and one by one , took an ice cream sandwich and thanked us . Not one kid just took the ice cream and walked away . Some of them stopped and talked about how much they appreciate a treat after band and thanked us again . We had some left overs , so I went around and offered seconds . Of course , the high school boys could eat the whole box and still be hungry . . . I thought about how lucky I am . I have kids that do fun things and I get to be there to watch . Plus , while I seem to embarrass my kids most of the time , I am who I am in plain site and they are polite about it . Sometimes I forget how much I love being with those kids . . . all of them including my own . Now , don 't get me wrong . . . are my son 's perfect ? No way . . . there is math to be done , and english papers that are being put off as I write . But , I 'm not either . Sometimes I push them to be who they are not . . . and expect things that they are not capable of . But , there seems to be an acceptance that I have with them and them with me . I hoped that I would have that when they were little but to have it when they are teenagers . . . it is awesome . So it was a sweet Saturday . A race that ended well , a mostly clean house , band rehearsal and ice cream , and faces of teenagers thanking me . Dude . . . what else can I ask for ? For Doris Joy , who could clean a house ! This week , I have been nursing alot . Not so much hospice nursing , but dealing with wounds and IV 's and medication teaching . I have been a real nurse . I have always been proud to be a nurse because I think it takes a certain kind of person to do the job well . It takes the kind of person who can deal with anything , any fluid , any smell , any situation and remain calm even though , at times you are ready to fall over from nausea , grossness or fear . This week while I have been doing all of these clinical things , I also got a chance to cut a little old lady 's toe nails . Some nurses love feet but I don 't happen to be one of them . I can deal with anything but it isn 't a pleasant experience to deal with feet . But . . . this lady had some toe nails and they needed to be dealt with . You ever see those old folks with the thick curled brown nails where they always look dirty ? These were even worse than that . After I had done my assessment and taken care of the things we needed to do , her daughter asked if I would cut her toe nails . " Sure " I said thinking " I hate to cut toe nails . " I got a pan of water with soap and soaked her feet . She said that it felt good . I sat on the floor , put a towel in my lap and grabbed a foot . All of a sudden , while I was practically under the kitchen table working on the feet , I noticed a foul smell . I couldn 't tell where it was coming from but it was bad . I kept cutting her toe nails and wondering . . . did someone poop their pants or worse yet . . . did something die ? After I got the big toe nail cut , I looked over and was eye to eye with two big bull dogs in cages by the kitchen . " AH HA " , I thought " It 's those dogs . " The smell just continued . I decided I couldn 't take it anymore . I said to the son , " I think those dogs need to go out " to which he responded , " They just fart alot . " At that point , what I really needed a skill saw to buzz off the lady 's other nail on her big toe and a mask so I didn 't throw up on it . I kept asking her if I was hurting her in that loud voice you use with folks that don 't hear . She would rouse from her dozing in the chair and say " What " in the same loud voice I used . We did that exchange about 4 times and finally I gave up . I cleaned up the basin and nails , washed my hands and said my good byes and left . There is so much more to nursing than clinical things . There have been times that I have been up to my elbow in some one 's open wound while talking about their kids and husband . I have been in houses that needed to be bulldozed and gone in houses that the last breath I took through my nose was before I walked in the front door . Then there are the things that we don 't ever mention to folks at all . And . . . I have been doing this kind of thing for over 25 years . It 's no secret that I have had an amazing summer . Amazing and gluttonous . But very wonderful . I didn 't pass up a plate of anything that went by me or a drink that was handed to me . Why should I ? It 's summer ! Well , it aint ' summer anymore . On Monday , my youngest hit high school and Tuesday morning , I was left sitting at my kitchen table thinking about seeing my first patient at 9am . I drank my coffee and tried to quiet those pesky voices in my head . " You can do it . . . again " they said . Finally I got up , got my gym clothes on and got in the car . I had not exercised since May in any fashion . Well , I could count walking on the beach in Hawaii but I didn 't want to walk too fast lest I spill the cocktail in my hand . Anyway , I was nervous . Last year , at this time , in this same fashion , the teacher was new and started asking me if I was going to be okay and ways to modify so the exercises weren 't too hard . I call that my yearly " calling out the big girl in the back of the room . " I really wanted to avoid that this year . . . I really did . I walked into the gym with my dark sunglasses on . The lady at the desk noticed me immediately . . . " Hi , Terry , where have you been ? " " I took the summer off " I said and watched her face as she tried not to notice the enlarged size of my rear end . I thought of how that would go in my family . . . " OH my gawd , did you see Terry ? She blew up " and the conversation would go from there . " OK " I thought , " I made it through the door and by the desk " . Now to the locker room . I kept my sunglasses on and my head low . It seemed like every corner , I saw one of my " gym buddies " that still looked the same . " Hey , long time no see , did you have a good summer ? " they would ask to which I replied . . . " Doesn 't it look like it ? " and they would laugh . Ok . . . nothing I couldn 't deal with . In the locker room , I saw the teacher . This lady has an amazing body and she is nice too . " Hi , " I said and thought to myself , let 's cut to the chase . . . " I haven 't moved since May except to get on and off a barstool so if I drop dead in the class . . . DO NOT RESUSCITATE ! I will be in the back of the room and I will be okay even if I don 't look okay . " She laughed , gave me the " she blew up " look and said OK . The class started and I was in the back of the room . We stretched and went right into sit ups , push ups and core stuff . I kept up for about 10 reps when my stomach started to burn . . . " 20 more " I heard . " Oh dear God , I may die today " I thought . Then we flipped over and did these push ups called Spiderman push ups . . . " yeah right . " But I tried and before I knew it , we were headed outside for the boot camp portion . " Lunge to the end of the field , do 10 up - downs and then sprint back " I heard coming out of the lovely hole in her face . " I can do this " I thought . I was slow and the last one every time but I did the 20 minutes of pure hell . I did not throw up but felt a little in my mouth . " Lovely " I thought . . . and we were back in the room . " Just a little longer and we 'll stretch " I heard and willed my big rear end to move . " Let 's do 5 sets of 20 mountain climbers , 20 push ups , and 20 jump squats and we are done . We 'll stretch " . I attempted to do what I could and when it was over I looked at my face . . . redder than the most ripe tomato and my hair was soaking wet . I looked like I was on the verge of a heart attack and bless that instructors heart for not calling 911 ! " Done " I thought and limped to the locker room , showered and went to see my patients . Then later in the day came . I tried to get out of the car and already had stiffened up . I got through the night and went to bed . I just needed to lay down . This morning , when I started to get out of bed , I must have moaned because my husband asked me what was wrong . " Nothing " I said " Why ? " " You just whimpered when you got out of bed " . . . well , let me tell you , that was the wrong thing to say to me . " I DON ' T SEE YOU MOVING LET ALONE GOING TO AN EXERCISE CLASS TO GET IN SHAPE " I snapped and walked away . He did not say another word this morning to me . They say we have muscle memory and I guess I do have some . I did make it through the day and every time I kneeled down to look at a patient 's foot or do a deep knee bend , I was reminded of my age and the class . But hey , I made it and that is good . Every year its the same and of course , I never learn . . . or maybe I do . Maybe , this helps me know that " the bigger they are the harder they fall ' or " there 's no fool like an old fool " but at least there is that muscle memory to fall back on . My youngest had his first day of high school yesterday . I drove him but before we got in the car , I wanted to take a picture . He rolled his eyes and gave me the " look " . I persisted and so did he . Finally , I told him he was a spoiled brat and he needed to go over and stand for a picture . Here is the result . This child was an afterthought . He came along when I had my girl and my boy and thought I was done having babies . I was thinking about another one and then my mother became ill and died . I remember when she was in the living room in the hospital bed when I asked her , " Mom , should I have another baby ? " She thought for a long time and then said , " I like babies , I always have . " That next night , she was gone . Shortly thereafter , in the fog of grief , I was doing the EPT test and it had a plus sign . I remember wondering when " it " happened , since I didn 't remember things for a few months after my mother died . I didn 't put the crib up until Thanksgiving . He was born on December 1st and that was the Sunday after Thanksgiving . I was definitely having an epidural because I didn 't want to feel anything . Of course , that didn 't work . Jim took the kids to church while I labored at home . When they got home , I was still ok so he started to make them breakfast when I decided it was time to go to the hospital . We drove fast and walked in fast . I told the admitting nurse that I was having and epidural and " let 's get going " . . . then , just like they say , my water broke like someone dropped a jar of pickles . . . while I was reading the epidural consent . " Beautiful " I thought . All at once , I was in hard labor and just mad . The cute little intern told me to lay down to see where I was and I couldn 't . Finally I did and he gave me the news . . . no epidural but a baby in the next few minutes . I was in the hospital for about 40 minutes and this kid was born . He was close to 10 pounds and was the most adorable thing I have ever seen . All that baloney about not having another baby went out the window and he completed our family . Now he is in high school . For some reason , driving him up to the school made me sentimental . " Be who you are " I said . . . " You 're such a good boy " and " Dad and I are so proud of you " but before I finished with my wisdom , the door slammed and he was going up the steps to the front door . He said he wasn 't excited but I could tell he was . Things seem to go faster from here . When the Queen went to high school , it took about two blinks of an eye and she was moving to college . My middle kid is in his last year at this high school and I am trying to pretend that he isn 't . This morning , the boys got in the car , with my middle son at the wheel . My youngest was in the passenger seat looking cool . The car backed out and I could hear the radio . . . loud . I thought the memories that are being created in that car for a couple of brothers that have trouble being civil at times but secretly adore each other . It brought a smile to my face . I guess if you have to be a freshman in high school , having a big brother around isn 't a bad deal . . . as a matter of fact . . . it 's the best . This morning after I went to church , I said to my husband , " I am going to take a nap this afternoon or I am going to drink myself into oblivion " to which my husband and replied " Well there 's always that . " At 10 : 35 last night , the phone rang . Jim answered it and handed it to me . . . " it 's his time " I heard . " I 'll be right there , sweetheart " I responded to the 20 something that had just lost his dad . I drove in silence . I don 't usually turn on the radio when I am going to help a family . I listen to the voices in my head and try to understand what I am supposed to do . I pulled up to find the family in the bedroom . . . prepared for a sleep over with their dad . They had assembled the sleeping bags , pillows and found their place in the bedroom . Dad and Mom were in the bed . Earlier in the day , I had gone over to the house to check on family and we had decided that we were in our last hours . I had done the usual talk . . . " make sure you need to say everything that you want to , etc . . etc . . . . " The family was amazing . . . together and feeling strong . We said our goodbyes and I left my number . It was the time for them to love that dad and to be the family they had become . I went to a party for the baseball team and picked up my son 's girlfriend for the marching band night . The band was amazing and the kids were so excited to show us the work they had done . I think it is going to be a great year . But that amazing family was on my mind . Finally around 8 pm , I called . . . " How are things going ? " I asked . . . " ' Fine , we have some friends over and he is the same . " " I 'll see you later , call me any time . . . even in the middle of the night " I responded . I put a pair of jeans a a t - shirt on the dresser in case I needed to run in a hurry , brushed my teeth and went to bed . Then the call came . Even the most prepared are shell shocked . Sometimes , I am caught by surprise with the feelings . . . So , last night , after I walked into the bedroom , I began to wish for a different ending . But , in my line of work , there isn 't a different ending . And , in my line of work , I can take comfort in telling the family what to expect and what to do for each symptom , but in the long run . . . it doesn 't change the outcome . The outcome is always the same and it is painful . I drove home at 3 am last night . . . no radio on . . . just the thoughts in my head . Every so often , I would hear a wimper and realize it was me . . . remembering the pain and sadness of the night . When I climbed into bed , Jim rolled over and asked me if I was okay , " ' yeah " I said , grabbed his hand , rolled over and went to sleep . After church today , I napped . I looked at my boys and counted my blessings . . . I walked up behind my husband and gave him a hug and a kiss . I hope I learned . . . time is precious and life is unpredictable . . . so remember and act accordingly . I have a hard time with that until I am slapped in the face and last night . . . it was a huge hand . When I was on the Island . . . and when I say , Island . . . I make it sound like I am from Jamaica . . . I threw caution to the wind . I mean caution in the area of self control . Every night , while waiting for dinner to cook , we had poo - poo 's ( which is the Island word for hors - de - vors ) with our first two cocktails . Then we had dinner with our second round of 2 cocktails . Then , we bought the party pail of ice cream and had that before going to bed to listen to the ocean . Sounds like a dream and I assure you , to me it was . But , you know me and my obsession and shame over being a large woman . . . Well , let me tell you , I am now an extra large woman . I have that stomach thing , the roll that hangs over the roll on my stomach . I have the butt in the front thing that I have to zip my pants to . If you think it sounds funny , you ought to see how it looks . Anywhoo . . . on Tuesday , I found the motivation . I zipped my size 18 's . . . yes , 18 's and they were tight . You see , on the Island , I wore a bathing suit with a little ( big ) moo - moo over it so it was easy not to see the damage . But on Tuesday morning , the world came crashing down on me in front of the mirror . I had hopped out of the shower and managed not to look at myself except to notice my hair and face . Then , I quickly put on all my clothes and busied my thoughts with the mess my bedroom was . But then . . . I tried to zip the pants and I was forced to look in the mirror . This time , I didn 't beat myself up . . . I pulled off the pants and put on some other ones that fit because they had been stretched out so much that I could wear them and got going . I told myself I would talk to me later . . . I drive alot in my work to folks homes . I have alot of time in the car . On Tuesday , I thought about myself . About how I have this weird thing with food and how that first bite always calms me down . The food thing is like when I was a smoker . I used to associate everything good with a smoke . . . but , I gave that up 20 years ago and still have had good times . I thought about how when I let myself eat with abandon , I feel pretty lousy after it is all over , about how my feet swell up with salt , and sometimes if I lay down after I am full , I feel the whole meal in my throat all night . Well . . . I told myself . . . that is certainly not comforting or fun . . . So I started on Tuesday . . . apple and cheese for lunch and a salad with chicken for dinner . It wasn 't too hard . I did move my computer back up to my office instead of in the kitchen , and I also cleaned up the kitchen after dinner and " closed " it . ( When I had 3 school aged kids , I would announce after dinner that the KITCHEN IS CLOSED , Wednesday was more of the same . . . I was hungry to be honest . But , I hadn 't felt my stomach growl in so many months that it was music to my ears . I also went for a walk on Tuesday and Wednesday . I am back to walks when I used to be able to go to kickboxing and last an hour and a half . But . . . at least I am moving some . This morning , I got on the scale . I had 2 glasses of my pink wine last night when Jim and I sat and visited before dinner . I am not going to give that up . But , we did not have any poo - poo 's and that was different . I usually would pull out the tortilla chips and make my guacamole but I didn 't . Back to the scale . . . I am down 10 pounds from when I got on the scale last Monday night after we got home . Now , I am sure that it is water weight , but I can see my feet and I don 't have cankles . . . I have actual ankle bones . My pants are still tight and the butt in the front thing is still here and will be for a long time . But , for the first time in a long time , I have some hope . I am not beating myself up for getting fat and old . . . I am just accepting it . And . . . I 'm working on it in a different way . I 'm not mad because I can 't eat . In the car on Tuesday , myself and I decided eating all that crap really isn 't all it 's cracked up to be . I also gave myself a good dose of reality mixed in with all this . I am 47 and guess what ? I ain 't getting any younger . At this point , it 's more about being able to move well and do the things I want to do that are more than eating . So here we go again . Diet number 70 , 001 but this time . . . I am sure it 's gonna work . Actually , I don 't know what to think except I know when I have some real " stick - to - it - - iv - ness " and I am thinking for at least today . . . I am on board ! So the Island time was more valuable than I thought at first . I recommend , if you 're fat like me , put on the bathing suit and the moo - moo , cover up all the sins of the past and enjoy . Then when you get back , take a good look at yourself and if your anything like me . . . closing down the eating machine for a week or two will be easy . The only thing is . . . I may have to go back to the Islands in a few weeks for some more motivation . Anyone in ? In our house , we love marching band . By " we " , I mean the whole family . When the Queen was the drum major , you would have thought I won the lottery . I could not have been more proud . This year , my youngest gets to march along with his older brother . I am so excited . . . Today , was day 1 . The boys left the house at 6 : 45 to get to the field and review the marching techniques for my younger son . I got a phone call around 7 : 30 that a lunch had been forgotten . I brought it by in my travels and left it on the front seat of the car . They were up until midnight last night crafting a binder that they could wear on their back and march with the instrument in the front . For what . . . do they have eyes in the back of their heads . . . but I said nothing . They arrived home complaining of the day . It was so long and they played the same piece 55 times atleast and finally got it . By the complaining , you would have thought they were tortured 9 - 7 . and the music began . They were a little rusty but the sounds of big loud horns makes me smile . The sounds of two teenage boys playing them at my kitchen table on a Friday night makes me grin from ear to ear . Tommorrow is day 2 from 9 - 7 . . . I am sure they will be tired . I am also sure that they will be proud of the hard work , the music they have learned and the show they are learning to put on the field . One thing I know . . . I sure am proud of them . My son and I are home . We made it from Hawaii with the typical flying bothers but really it was all good . I must still have some of the " Aloha spirit " . This vacation was what I think of when other people go on vacation . You know me and my mythical other people with the perfect lives . . . those people . I haven 't been on one of those in 20 years and I now understand why . We arrived in Lihue on Friday , separate traveling groups . . . sort of like " Survivor , Ritter style " . Jim and my younger son traveled on United with frequent flyer miles and since Jim is . . . ahem . . . a red carpet dude , my youngest was thinking that they were probably going to travel first class . My older son and I were on the Cheapo air flight or as we referred to it . . . Bucket of bolts airline with no food , no tv 's and your had to sit with your ankles up around your head . . . but . . . we made it . Since they got there first , they got the rental , hit Costco and got the necessary items for a vacation and picked us up at the airport . The condo we stayed in was awesome . You could look out the window and less than 100 feet away was the pacific ocean in all her glory . And boy did she sound good especially at night when we had eaten dinner , had a few cocktails and heard the stories of the family . I got into the habit of lying down on the bed and just listening to the ocean . . . . pretty peaceful stuff . In the mornings , we would have our coffee and then go through the , " what do you want to do today " exercise for an hour or two and decide and go . We always ended up at a beach with some fashion of water toy to spend the day doing . Boogie boards , surf boards , snorkel equipment . . . or all of the above . We went to beaches called Tunnels , Hanalei bay or one with big waves that I can 't even say . We went to small towns and shopped , I mean looked . . . and of course , the Big Save on the way home to get what we needed for dinner . Cocktail hour was 4 : 30 to 5 at Jim 's Aunt 's condo . They live on the Island and love it there . They are older women and have the routine . An added bonus was Jim 's sister , who was there assisting " the girls " as we called them . She did what she needed to do and then connected with us everyday . It was a good time . I learned a few things about myself in all my relaxing . I can 't relax . . . I mean , I can , but it takes work . I spent the beginning of the vacation trying to keep things organized and clean , wanting clothes picked up and shoes left outside and towels hung up . I wanted the kitchen clean so when we came home from the beach , it was ready to cook . Well , that is work . Work to try to get two teenage boys and an almost 50 year old , freaking out husband to not look at me like I am crazy . We 're on vacation . . . they would say . We even had a small throw down about the dishes one morning when we had a stand off . There was yelling and gnashing of teeth , which , I am sure the other guests at the condo complex enjoyed , before the dishes were done . The other thing I learned is that even though I bought a new bathing suit , I was putting it on the same old body . That sentence just speaks for itself . I also learned , that in Hawaii , part of the Aloha spirit , is that . . . if your comfortable , any body can wear any suit and walk the beach . Large women in thongs , small men in speedos , what ever . . . but I was still not happy in my suit . And when I say " not happy " that is an understatement . The biggest thing I learned is that when I go on vacation , I am still with me . And sometimes me is a likable person and sometimes not . I am sure alot of us feel this way , but when I have time to think . . . it is apparent where my head is at these days . . . and it 's not too fond of me . Normal . . . I don 't know , sad . . . a little . . . but ok . . . yes . So , we 're home . I had a little trouble sleeping without the pacific singing to me but when I woke up and saw Pike 's Peak with the sun warming her arms and legs . . . I realized home is good and the other stuff will come along . It will , it always does or time passes and it doesn 't . The nice part is that I can change things if I decide to . That 's a good thing to learn on vacation . We 'll tawk tommorrow , |
2 Comments » This is it ; this is the last thing on the list he thought as he jumped out of a perfectly good airplane at the altitude of eleven thousand feet . A parachuting instructor was strapped to his back for the tandem jump as he flew towards the earth at breakneck speed . This was so cool ; John had always wanted to do this , now he could say he had . A videographer had jumped with them at the same time , and was filming Johns jump and the various expressions of happiness and surprise on John 's face . It was his first , and would be his last . John had set out to fulfill a " bucket list " of things he wanted to do before he died . You see , John was diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer last fall , and given less than a year . The first six months , he felt nothing , no pain . In fact , he felt healthy as he set out to put a check by all the things he had always wanted to do before he died . His wife didn 't understand why he wanted to go off about the world checking off this doggone punch card , when he could be at home with his family , but she didn 't stand in his way , and he left . First stop was the Caribbean , he was going to learn to dive , and explore the reefs off of Cozumel and the Gran Caymans . One trip after another , some with friends , some solo until he found himself here , at eleven thousand feet with the final check left to be marked , the list complete . Riding back to the airport , be pulled the list out and made the check , completing all . He looked over the list , mentally replaying each and every adventure , skiing in the Alps , hiking on the Appalachian Trail , watching a space shuttle liftoff , all things he had always dreamed of , and now had done . He folded the list and placed it back in his jacket pocket , a mildly unsettling feeling coming over him . John had been trying to fill a hole , an emptiness inside by doing this bucket list thing . He figured he deserved to do all of those things , he had worked hard for thirty five years and would now never see retirement , didn 't he have it coming ? That was a month ago , my how time flies he thought as he stared at the ceiling . Soaring through the air like an eagle one month , dying in a hospital bed the next . It reminded John of the television commercial that say 's " life comes at you fast " because it really does . The pain had flooded in two weeks after the parachuting thing and only gotten worse . Sally wasn 't there when he returned from his adventure trip , and he hadn 't seen her since . She was staying with her mother , the kids were at college . He had tried to call her several times , but her mother wouldn 't put her through . " Now John , you have broken this girl 's heart for the last six months while you drained your savings chasing your pursuits , and it has to stop now . " As he drifted off to sleep in a cloud of morphine , God was kind to him and sent him the sweetest dreams . He remembered having to win Sally back in college , she was dating someone else . He dreamed of their first little tiny apartment . He dreamed of the morning that Sally came in grinning ear to ear and announced that they would soon be three , and how they both laughed , then cried joyfully at the thought of being parents . He dreamed the time when the doctor handed Amber to him for the first time , and he fell deeply in love with his daughter at first sight . He dreamed of sitting at Josh 's little league games and standing up cheering for him when he got a hit . Visions of the four of them camping in the mountains , sitting around the fire ring together blessed his mind . He dreamed about when he had held Sally tight and comforted her when Josh left for college and they became empty nesters , and she wondered what was in store for someone who had spent her life being a mommy , when the kids were gone . A sharp pain brought him out of his sleep and back into reality again , he looked down at the rolling table that contained his dinner . The bucket list sat at one end folded open . He picked it up and looked it over , somehow all of the adventure had gone from the listings , this list he had worked on for so long now meant no more than a discarded grocery list after a trip to the store . The list was filled with things he had done mostly alone . When had life gotten all about him ? He didn 't know , but he felt truly alone , and that hole he had been trying to fill was still there . He wadded the list into a ball and threw it at the trash can at the end of his bed . He then picked up the phone and called Sally 's mother just once more , but this time with a different message . When she answered , tension clearly in her voice , he calmly apologized for the things he had done , how he had harmed their family , and asked forgiveness . There was silence on the other end of the phone and then Sally came on and said hello . Sally was shocked to find out that he was back , and pained to hear that her mother hadn 't told her John was in the hospital , she hurried right over . Over the next two days , Amber and Josh came home from college on emergency leave , and the family spent a lot of time together . On the evening of the last day , John could no longer talk and felt as though he were being pulled backward out of his own body , he knew it was the end and that he was saved , he just wanted to stay a little bit longer . He looked into the faces of his family and his heart warmed , and all of the precious memories flooded back in , the kids on the trampoline , Sally goofy golfing with him , late night scrabble as a family . He never even thought about how it felt to climb Kilimanjaro or dive a reef , he couldn 't have cared less about the list . He felt a tap on his shoulder and someone he couldn 't see said c ' mon , it 's time . He let go and felt himself being pulled into the light and a new and wonderful future . 2 Comments » I am feeling stronger , this is day four in a row back in the saddle since being sick for nearly two months . Before getting sick , we were doing this hard - core ride a few times a week and I was getting into the rhythm , then bam , I was sick . I was glad to be back at it . I was not walking uphill much , but riding through the tough spots as I became more conditioned . Two of my close brothers in Christ were with me , Mike a neighbor down the street , and Eric from the weekly men 's Bible study I attend . Eric is just getting back into things also , so we are more closely matched , Mike is conditioned and used to this , he is in great shape . Don 't get bored yet , I am just setting the stage for the rest of this story , which is true by the way . The great thing about this ride is that , while the first half is all - uphill , the ( back nine ) as I like to call it is all down hill . The downhill part of the ride is about three and a half miles of downhill , which is amazing if you like adrenaline , which I must confess I / we do . I always go a little slower on the back half than my cohorts , because much of it is through cactus forests of varying kinds , none pleasant to crash into on a mountain bike . I always tell Mike to think about it , one wrong move and they will be removing cactus quills from him for the next ten years . Thursday , I was feeling particularly strong and aggressive on the mountain , so I pushed it a bit more than usual , I rode uphill stronger , and was more aggressive than normal on the downhill . It was so fun , being out in nature , temp was dry and 90 , nice Santa Ana breeze in our faces as we just cut loose . As I neared the end of the trail I poured it on a little heavier still , feeling my oats . Mike was right behind me , Eric a ways in front . In a split second going down toward a ravine , I felt my rear tire lose purchase in the loose rock and begin to slide . It didn 't take a rocket scientist to know that I was going down and it wasn 't going to be pretty . I was headed front first into a bunch of rocks at the top of a deep ravine , and there was no stopping it , so I did what I was trained decades ago to do , roll to your back and hope for the best . The impact was horrible , torn skin , large rocks tearing flesh , gravel ground into skin , and the hard impact on my shoulder and ribs . Cloudy headed , can 't think , not sure what 's going on , Mike is at my side , asking me questions . I can feel blood going down my leg , and my shirt has been ripped open in back . I am not able to move for a while . Finally I roll onto my side to reveal my back and arm , the look on Mike 's face says it all , and the news is not good . Another biker comes up and tells us he is a medic and would like to help . They cut off large parts of my shirt , and irrigated my wounds , ( road Rash ) , and start trying to think about how to get me out of there . We still had over 3 miles to go , and I decided to ride out . I was able to mount up and continue on , although in a world of hurt . I made it home , and my girls tended to the rest of my wounds cutting my shirt off and cleaning them the best they could , but I needed a Dr . So I went in and got x - rayed up and patched up . I had large areas of road rash and heavy bruising , and a few cracked ribs , but I would live . Frustrated at the progress I had made , and the setback I had endured , I decided this setback was not going to take me out of the game . The reason I chose to share this experience is because I think it is actually one more common to all of us . What happens to you may be that you work to be the best at what you do at the office , only to be let go and replaced by a younger less qualified person . You give all you have to be a good spouse and your mate still chooses to run off with another . We all crash and burn sometimes , but those times determine what we are made of . Do we throw a pity party for ourselves or get back on that bicycle , or horse , or job , or marriage and continue to give it all we have got , or do we give up . A very wise pastor once told me , every great achievement is usually countered by a great temptation , or a great downfall . The devil doesn 't want us to succeed , he wants us to crash and burn , to give up , to be discouraged . If we give in to that rotten deceiver then he has truly won . When we face challenges of all kinds , we must turn to God in prayer , dust off our britches and get right back to it , don 't give him and inch . So the next time you get thrown by that horse of life , and find yourself bruised and battered , get back up and climb back on . The following is one of my favorite scriptures , because it makes everything clear , and makes sense of those times when we " crash and burn " . James 1 : 2 - 4 , Consider it pure joy , my brothers and sisters , whenever you face trials of many kinds , because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance . Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete , not lacking anything . 6 Comments » The cold wind blew as I trudged up the dark road and the light snow had begun to fall . Surrounded by such harsh beauty , yet at the end of my rope . I have twenty miles to walk before the next services , and things don 't look good , the storm is looming around me , I can almost hear Satan 's demons heckling me as I walk forward into the storm . The interstate must have been closed miles back because of the storm , there are no longer any vehicles going by , and I no longer have any hitchhiking prospects . I think back over my life as I trudge on , what a train wreck . I married early on , and had a couple of kids , that marriage fizzled not long after our little girl was born she took off with them , and I haven 't seen them since . Second and third marriages were short and not so sweet , filled with much screaming , shouting , and quest for materialism . I got into a church then , rededicated my life to God and began to try to live right . I was doing well at work on the docks , making good money , and I bought a house , with the plan that I would look up my kids and try to get some time with them . Everywhere I looked was a dead end , there was no finding them , it was as if they had dropped off the earth . I started dating a woman I had met a while back , and she wanted to move in with me . When I told her that I couldn 't do it because it was wrong , she reminded me I had already been married three times , what did I have to lose ? That was the last time I saw her . I job - hunted constantly , but there were none to be found , everyone was laying off . It was just a matter of months until I lost my house . I had garage sale after garage sale to try to raise money , but it was just pennies on the dollar . I sold my car and was then officially homeless . The snow is getting deeper now , and I can barely make out the shoulder of the interstate , there are no ruts in the snow , it is flat . It has been an hour since a car has come by . Why am I here , in the middle of no - where in a snowstorm you are probably asking ? When I was a kid , Flagstaff Arizona was my favorite place in the world , the tall forest , the beautiful mountains ; I had always wanted to live there . My whole life has been a failure , one after another . I have never pleased my wives , my kids , my parents , my employers , and most certainly my God . When you are at rock bottom , you are reduced to your most base self , and that self wants to be up in the mountains just one more time . I always felt closer to God when I was here , maybe I can again . It has to be close to midnight , I am tired of walking in the deep snow , so I leave the road and head for a large tree just off the road . I take my pack off and lean up against the tree . For a moment , the snow stops falling and the moon appears between the clouds , lighting up the most beautiful landscape possible . I look around me at the beauty until the blanket is pulled back over the moon , and the snow commences . I hear scurrying off in the trees and imagine it is Satan 's minions come to collect me for the short ride down . Then , the most amazing thing happens , I become warm inside , and I begin to pray to God . I asked Him to please let me have the lowest place in His kingdom , anything to just be a part of Heaven . I prayed so hard it reminded me of when I first became a Christian , when I would pray in bed until I fell asleep . With my head in my hands , I prayed until I lost track of all time . I was jarred by something , and I stirred . I must have fallen asleep because it was daytime now , bright sunlight through my fingers . I raised my head and looked up , a kindly looking old bearded man stood there looking at me , not speaking , not smiling , but actually with tears in His eyes . The snow was all gone , and so was the interstate , but everything else was the same . I was not cold anymore either as I stood up and looked down , I was dressed all in white , and my backpack was gone . I looked up at the kindly old man who was teary eyed , and He ran to me and threw His arms around me and hugged me with surprising strength . Son , He said , let me show you your new home , and He led the way . 2 Comments » Sam sat nervously in his office , several of his large clients were coming in today to meet with him , and they had not given him an agenda on the meeting . When they arrived , pleasantries were exchanged ; they sat down , and dispensed with their kindness immediately . They wanted something that Sam had told them was impossible several times , but they just would not let up . You see , Sam owns a franchise to a large insurance company , and while he has some freedom , he does have constraints from corporate on some items . The clients Kept on , even when Sam told them he just couldn 't do it . Then the meeting got worse ; they said they were willing to bring in their legal team to leverage him with a lawsuit if he didn 't give in to their demands . Sam was shocked . The exec 's left the room and even threw out a deadline for him to comply . He placed his head in his hands and thought , " what can I do " . The accounts were large ; they would definitely affect his payday if he did not comply with their demands , not to mention legal fees . What they were demanding was wrong , it wasn 't what they had agreed to , it was just morally wrong . Sam reached across his desk and picked up the phone , he called his brother in Christ , a friend in whom he could seek counsel . The exec 's walked back into Sam 's office , smug smiles on their faces . They knew Sam would comply , in this economy , he would be a fool to say no . Plus , he had called them back so soon , there was no way it would be no . Sam shook hands all around as they sat , and then shuffled some folders around on his desk , then handed a folder to each one of the three exec 's . He then stated that he had decided to release them from their contracts . Integrity is not only important at home , but at work also , and when faced with doing business in an underhanded way , he had decided he would rather have less money and sleep well at night . He then stood and held out his hand again , " good day , gentlemen " , as the stunned exec 's rose as if in a trance , and Sam ushered them out of his office . So what would have happened if Sam had chosen the other path and had made changes to the contract just to accommodate the execs ? The contract is not unlike a covenant between two parties . Had Sam broken his company rules , fudged on the paperwork a bit , and given them the farm , what then ? Next time it would be something else , and Sam would have been less likely to say no . It gets easier and easier to use the loopholes in life once you have taken advantage of them . It gets easier and easier to get your way on a technicality if that is the path you choose . My belief is that every time we utilize a loophole , every time we utilize a technicality , a little piece of our integrity floats away . Once you have lost your integrity with others , it is very hard to get back with people . Trust lost is easier to regain than integrity lost , and without integrity , will anyone listen to you when you want to share the gospel ? Where are you , when faced with what Sam was faced with , would you let the paycheck go and " know " that God will take care of you , or would you cling to the money ? It is very easy to talk about faith , about morals , but when we find ourselves on the firing line , we need to remember God allows His people to be tested . He will allow us to be tested also , the question is , will we pass ? 5 Comments » I would tell you my name , but that would not be wise . I am a pastor , a pastor of a large church in Beijing China . We have many members , and things are getting increasingly tough . I say that as I am ferried to the local jail in the back of a prisoner transport vehicle , handcuffed to a steel ring . My crime is spreading the Word of God . Churches always grow much more under persecution than they do in a free society , I don 't really understand why , but that is how it is . Our church , which is known as the Shouwang Church is no exception . We began meeting in my home a few years back . Always careful of the police who are dedicated to breaking up and arresting worshippers . We grew to fifty , then a hundred , then we began holding dual services at our home to accommodate everyone , but when you do that , you have to worry about arousing suspicion of police , and neighbors loyal to the communist government . It is hard to have a couple hundred people coming and going at your home each week and not drawing attention . A couple of years ago , we put what money we had together and purchased a building that was going to be our new church . When we went to take possesion of the building , the developer refused to give us access , he said the government had warned him not to accommodate us . It was " our " building , yet we were locked out , and the government was onto us now . We went back to meeting in secret until we could pull some money together again and start over . Finally we raised enough money and rented a vacant restaurant to use as a meeting house . It was perfect for what we needed . We began meeting there regularly , and everything was great . Our church grew and grew beyond our wildest hopes . We now had over a thousand members , and we were holding four services a week , considering a fifth as the building was full at every service . But then , the owner told us we must leave , we were no longer welcome on his property . The government had pressured him into evicting us . Once again , we were a church without a home . The police were a step ahead of us , they had the whole area we had planned to meet cordoned off and barricaded , so we chose a park to meet in . As one of our young men prepared to lead us in an opening prayer , an NPR reporter interviewed him and asked if he felt it was worth it to be arrested . His answer was " As long as they don 't hang any other labels on me , " he replied . " If they say I was detained for my faith , it would be worth it . " When all was said and done , a total of one hundred sixty nine of us were arrested for an illegal church meeting . It is happening more and more these days , Christians disappearing in China , some come back , some don 't . There are now over one hundred twenty million of us meeting behind closed doors , meeting covertly to study God 's word . We still don 't know what we will do , but we trust God will point us in the direction we need to go . One thing is certain though , one thing is sure . Our faith is non - negotiable and we " will " continue to meet in worship to our Lord , whatever the cost . 4 Comments » In two different places , a seed was planted , and it fell on fertile ground and new life began . As time passed and they both grew separately , their needs were the same , shelter and nourishment . When it came time for them to enter the world , they both came in discreetly . One in a barn , one in a forest . As time passed , the one who was born in a barn was subject to a more turbulent life , having to move from place to place to stay safe . First here , then there , you see , rumors had been started about Him , it was rumored that He was destined to be royalty . It was rumored that He actually was royalty , but that He just waited to claim His throne . So He was unsafe , He became hunted even as a child . The incumbent kings felt threatened by a child king , so they put a bounty out on Him , but that changed nothing , He was still born to be a King . Now the other little fellow had quite a less climactic life , spending his days in the bright sunshine of his forest home . He loved his home and his peers in his forest home , but there were rumors about him too . It was said that he was special also , it was said that he had been created for one sole purpose . He had been created to carry royalty . He had been created to carry the savior of the world . He wasn 't quite sure what that meant , would he be fashioned into a fine carriage , would he be made into a chariot , he had no idea . He just knew what the rumors were ; he had no idea how they would be carried out . As the boy king grew into a man , He finally understood the ins and out 's of the great plan in which he was involved . It was a huge honor and also at the same time , a great burden that had been bestowed on Him by His Father . Sometimes when He thought about it the icicles rose up His spine , knowing what lie ahead for Him , and he would ask His Father for a reprieve , knowing full well that He had to go through with it to fulfill the scriptures . If He were going to be the King , if He were going to be the Savior , it had to be done . One bright and sunny day in the forest , the little tree had become a forest giant ; it now towered over all the other trees in the grove . It swayed softly in the breeze , contemplating the day when it noticed a group of men coming through the forest towards it . They were carrying axes and logging equipment , and they led many mules behind them also . The giant tree began to become excited now , thinking its time had come ; it would now fulfill the task it was planted for . As the loggers swung their axes mightily at his base he wondered again what his shape and fashion would be . A fancy carriage , fit for a king ? That is what he decided they were going to make out of him , as he felt them axe through his center . Before long , one of them shouts " timber " and he falls to the forest floor , but if trees could smile , he was grinning , his " real " life was about to begin . The young man didn 't feel very royal as the Pharisees mocked Him and tried to trip Him up with trick questioning . These were supposed to be His people , yet they were a " brood of vipers " that had perverted His Fathers laws . He didn 't feel much like a king when they led Him before Pilate for judgment and His friends deserted Him . He didn 't feel royal when the people chose to release a murderer from prison if they would instead crucify Him , what was the deal with these folks . This wasn 't how the world treated most kings He had seen , but a king he was . His Father had created everything ; God was supreme King , which indeed made Him a prince . Yet He was not treated like a prince . The giant tree didn 't understand , they didn 't fashion anything fancy at all , no carriage , no chariot , just two coarse beams notched in such a way that they interlocked , A wedge was placed on the lower half of the longer piece . He was shocked at the waste that was made of his fine wood , how they had just cut out the two beams and the wedge , leaving most of the rest behind to rot . One of the lumberjacks cut a slab off of the remaining log and joked that it would be just the right size for a sign for the " King of the Jews " . The tree was shocked , the jacks had mentioned a king , but it was obvious he wasn 't going to be any kind of carriage now , He didn 't understand . The two met on a hill , The young king was laid down against the coarse wood and the heavy nails were driven in , piercing not only the young King , but the tree that had grown to carry Him . The young man cried out each time as the Romans swung the heavy hammer , driving the nails through His royal body . Each time a nail was driven in , the kings blood would pour out and mix with the sap from the giant tree . A Roman joked as they nailed the sign above His head , and the tree finally understood . The tree was set into place on top of the hill for the long six hours it would take for the King to fulfill His destiny . The tree finally knew the rumors it had heard since its germination were true , He had been created to carry the royalty , and he was carrying the Savior of the world . 4 Comments » How could you say that to me , the young woman said as she reeled , tears of hurt streaming down her face . Surely he couldn 't love her if he was able to say something like that to his wife . He looked down defiantly and said nothing to her , made no attempt to ease her hurt . She wheeled and went into the bedroom , closing the door behind her , he heard her set the lock . She was so hurt by what he had said , how could things ever be the same again . It was going to be a long night , as a new scar was formed . One year later , He is a changed man in many ways , he no longer drinks , he treats her well , and they are for the most part happy . She can 't seem to be as open and trusting as she was before the night that they had that big fight , things had never been the same . She figured it would just take some time to get over it , to forgive and forget . One day she would maybe be able to let it go , just not today A different girl , her car wouldn 't start , she tried in vain to get it going but it just wouldn 't turn over . She looked at her watch and saw it was already after eleven , and knew her dad would be worried , probably angry . Along about eleven thirty a kindly man gave her a jump , her battery was dead because she had left her headlights on . She pulled into the drive at eleven forty - five and knew right away it was going to be a bad night . Her fathers concern burned away right before her eyes and was replaced with pure rage . He screamed at her about every mistake she had ever made and how she could not even be trusted to be in before a simple curfew . She tried to explain what happened with the battery but he wasn 't buying any of it , his mind was made up , she was guilty . Twenty years later , it is thanksgiving and the family is gathering , she dreads being around her family . Her dad is not a hothead anymore , but every time she sees him , she sees him angrily shouting at her . She limits the time she and her family spend over there because she has decided she will never give him a shot at redemption , forgiveness has never come to her , and it never will . It is much easier to hang on to anger and hurt and let it nurse us along , let the hate keep us warm , than to let it go and give someone the same forgiveness that has been extended to us . Forgiveness has been a theme that I have written about frequently , maybe because it is so integral to my salvation . My salvation would not exist without it , none of ours would . Yet forgiveness is not a simple subject , there are many facets to forgiveness . There is the wonderful feeling of absolution when we sincerely apologize to someone and ask his or her forgiveness . There is the facet of forgiveness that deals with requesting forgiveness , but not being forgiven , which will sometimes happen . When this occurs we move on , a sincere apology is adequate whether it is accepted or not . Then there is the facet of being the person who is offering forgiveness to another . Is there a limit to how many times we are to forgive another ? Seventy times seven is a lot of times , I think the point is that we are supposed to pull forgiveness from a bottomless well for those who offend us , as forgiveness has been pulled from a bottomless well of Christ 's blood to forgive us our trespasses . In short , it really takes a lot of energy to stay angry at people for long periods of time , yet our world is full of people doing just that , many of them Christ followers to boot . I know I have been the guy who has uttered thoughtless words to my wife before , and hope she would forgive me for them . I know I have been the father who has provoked his children to wrath before , and hoped that they would forgive me for that also . So think about this next time someone wrongs you . Should you jump up and offer a hasty forgiveness ? Do you have to wait till you see their remorse before you forgive them ? I will leave it to the scriptures to answer that question . Acts 7 : 59 - 60 While they were stoning him , Stephen prayed , " Lord Jesus , receive my spirit . " Then he fell on his knees and cried out , " Lord , do not hold this sin against them . " When he had said this , he fell asleep . Luke 23 : 34 Jesus said , " Father , forgive them , for they do not know what they are doing . " Stephen was being stoned to death by people who were cursing , humiliating , and murdering him , yet he cried out for their forgiveness . Jesus hung on the cross , nails in each wrist , through the top of both feet , after being flogged and having a crown of thorns shoved on His head . They were spitting on Him , hurling things at Him , cursing Him , and were definitely not repentant , yet He cried out to God for their forgiveness . These scriptures scream to me that grudges are wrong , hanging onto hurt , hate , anger for years , even decades does nothing but drive a wedge between us and others , not to mention a wedge between us and God . Not only that , but it screams to me that we need to forgive quickly , even while we are still being wronged . Talk about a tough idea to wrap your mind around , but that is what " I " get from the scriptures . I suppose we can all afford to cut each other a bit more slack . God Bless |
I wrote this story on my own , I 've posted it on other web sites that you may have seen , In that case , I signed as anotherdream that is my nickname for writing stories . Enjoy and leave comments ! I 'll keep on posting soon ! Amy woke up , after having a hard night . She had lots of thoughts , that she couldn 't sleep over . She had broken up with Ty two weeks ago , and she had a pain inside that revived every night . She simply could not carry on like that . Fortunately , they weren 't fighting anymore . They wer just fine together , talking and working , but they both missed the past when they were much more than friends . Ty and Amy were waiting for the right moment , the right day in which everything will be a fairytale once again . Amy turned of the clock alarm with her right hand , while she tried to open her eyes . It was a brand new day . " Good Morning Lou " she said . " Hi Amy " Lou answered . " Are you taking Spartan for a ride ? She didn 't receive any answer , she kept a suspicious face while she thought , Where 's she going ? She 's in a rush ! She watched Amy running to the barn with her breakfast in a plate she had just gave her . Jack arrived to the kitchen when he said " Your sister seems to be in a hurry " . " I wondered what happened between her and Ty yesterday night " . " Amy didn 't seem too happy " Lou said . " Coffee ? " . " Fine " . " Anything can happen between ' em at this stage " . " But I 'm sure they 'll figure it out , they always do " . " No matter how much time it takes " . Amy had a plan in her hands . She just wanted to surprise Ty with breakfast as a start . Just to clear things up . She missed him like crazy , and after last night 's talk , she knew he missed her too . She entered to his room and sat in his bed . " Ty … Ty are you awake ? " " Amy ? " he said , still as sleep . He turned around face to face with Amy . He 's dreaming , Amy thought . She touched his arm and moved her hand to his neck . Ty still was still asleep with his face stuck in the pillow . He slowly moved his head with opened eyes and saw Amy seating near . " Hey ! " " Don 't tell me , I look like hell " he said in a low voice . Amy smiled " pretty much " . Both laughed and stared at each other 's eyes for a second . " I brought you breakfast ! " She sChapter 2 " Well in fact are a few things . " " Amy I … I miss you and I 'm in love with you . " " I 've been for three years … and … I don 't want to lose you … I want to be your boyfriend again … I 'm sorry for everything I 've done … I 'll do anything to be with you the more time possible . " " I don 't know Ty " " Yes you know , this is a decision you should take , that we should take , we can 't keep on avoiding this " . " We have reasons why we are not together " . " I mean … I love you , a lot , but we 've done mistakes , that maybe won 't let us go on " . Ty took a deep breath , and looked at Amy . " I can 't believe you just said that " " You just don 't want to be with me " . Don 't you want to figure out what 's been happening between us ? " " Didn 't you realize the way we 've been acting ? " . " I understood you still felt something for me , with that signals you gave me " . " I … I just don 't know what it 's going to happen between us " . Amy said as she left the room . Ty and Caleb where talking in the barn some hours later . " Can 't belive you man ! " " You are still stuck with Amy " . Said Caleb . " I 'm not stuck " Ty answered . " Whatever " " No it 's not what ever , I need to solve this as soon as possible " " If I were in your shoes I 'll try to convince her , not only talking but doing something really special , so she won 't deny your offer " . " Like , I don 't know . . . calling her attention maybe ? " " Yeah , whatever you 're thinking of " " like when you went up to that crazy bull just so she could see you were more man than me " Caleb laughed while Ty tried to look for an intelligent answer . Ty had a brilliant idea . He started planning everything for the following night . He always repeated to himself : " an offer she would not deny " . In fact he had many ideas , but as he couldn 't decide , he put them all together . He asked for some help to the Bartlett - Fleming family , everybody was happy to help and anxious to know what would happen . Ty worked hard all day , thanks to Jack , he had the wee ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' PLEASE NOTE : I 'll keep on posting if it has success , enjoy and comment ! ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' Chapter 3Ty in his blue jeans and blue shirt went to the kitchen . Jack was there by surprise ; Ty smiled at him and said " It 's time ! " " Well all I gotta say is have a good time " Jack said . " Thanks " Ty answered while he walked into Amy 's bed room . There , Lou was trying to keep Amy busy until Ty came in . Ty knocked the door and waited for someone to say come in . He didn 't have to wait too much . " Hey girls " said Ty while he walked towards Amy . " Amy , can I talk to you for a second ? " he asked looking into her eyes . " Yes , sure " She replied . " Let 's go " He said in a low voice . Lou gave Amy a hopeful look and when Amy turned around she whispered to Ty " Good luck " lower enough so Amy couldn 't listen . This was their opportunity to figure out everything what they were gonna do with their relationship and go on . Ty was sure he would get it but Amy still didn 't know why this time it would be different . " Where are we going ? " Amy asked Ty . " Is not far from here , I know the right place to talk " Amy had no idea what he was doing or where they were going . She felt safe by his side , and it didn 't matter where they were , because she knew everything was going to be OK . " Ty , I was thinking … " " What ? " Ty said and put his arm around her waist . " I was thinking … that maybe it isn 't so difficult … " " So difficult to what ? " " You know , us … to be together " " I mean we 've been thorough a lot and maybe this is just another step in our relationship " Ty thought and then spoke . " remember what I told you last time you said maybe ? " " There are no maybes " said both of them . They laughed and kept on walking . " So , what are we going to do ? " " I guess we can solve it " " How did you get so positive ? " Ty asked . " So you think I ' Chapter 4 - The tragedy Suddenly , they both heard a noise and turned around . " What was that ? " Amy wondered . " I don 't know . Maybe just the wind " Ty answered a little unsure . Ty started coughing and Amy realized why . " It 's smoke ! " She shouted . " From where is it come … " " Oh no ! " Ty stood up and tried to step over the candle that was burning . It was not useful , this candle burned some leaves that were near and the fire continued burning other four or five candles that were beside . The wind started blowing the smoke to the south . Amy began to panic . Ty , tried to stop the flames but it was worthless . The fire was taking over the shore of the river faster than they expected . The burned grass was becoming dark as the color of the smoke that was turning black and making the grey invisible . Both of them were now shocked , they couldn 't speak or shout . Ty 's mouth was covered by smoke , so much that he couldn 't breathe too much . " Get out of there " Amy screamed . She pushed Ty 's arm and took him out of the smoke that was covering him . " It 's worthless , we can 't make it stop now " " We have to ask for help ! " Ty said and started coughing badly . Amy was so shocked and scared that started crying . She took Ty by his back and started running as fast as possible . Ty 's face was turning violet as he could barely breathe . His coughing and Amy 's crying mixed with the smoke . She ran faster , but her legs hurt . She felt dizzy and almost couldn 't breathe , she knew she had to get home now , anything else mattered . Ty couldn 't move but just cough and cough . " Ty , please ! We can do it ! " she screamed . She felt her voice echoing in the mountains . " We will survive " she thought . Chapter 5 " His life depends on me " " My life depends on me " " Our future depends on me " Amy though . She was carrying Ty in her arms , she almost couldn 't lift his back . He was unconscious and his breath was short . Amy 's throat was dry and she was sweating a lot . Ty 's shirt was all wet , but she didn 't matter , it wasn 't disgusting . His hair was wet too , but his face was terribly cold . Ty was in his worse conditions . Amy couldn 't say a word , she cried and coughed , she only wanted to save him . She ran faster but accidentally fell to the grass when an old branch of a tree made her loose balance of her body and Ty 's too . Her knees had touched some ashes that had been blown by the wind . She screamed even louder than she did before . Everything seemed unreachable but Amy repeated to herself that she couldn 't give up . She grabbed Ty 's waist and took them to some bushes near . They would be safe there for a while , at least they would be protected of the smoke . She needed to think how to escape from the fire without running , her legs and arms hurt , her left leg hurt more . " Maybe I have a broken leg " she thought . Suddenly , she felt like she had low pressure and she fell to the floor . She couldn 't open her eyes . Back in the ranch : " Mallory stay here with Lou " Jack said in a nervous voice . " Tim 's coming to help me " " He 's right there " Lou said almost in tears . " Come on Jack " Tim shouted . " Stay in the house " " If we don 't return in an hour , tell Caleb to go and give us a hand " Jack said to Lou . " He 's coming with Ashley , they saw smoke from the trailer , the fire is growing too fast " Lou replied . " I just called the police , the firefighters , for an ambulance , they are getting here " Mallory informed . " I 'm in panic " she said as she hugged Jack . " We 'll find them " " They must be just fine " " I 'm sure Ty has already got a plan to return safe " Jack said to make Mallory feel better . But in fact he thought he couldn 't be so sure about it . He wished so . Jack and Tim grabbed sChapter 7 Sweet Miracle Spartan was just meters away when two firefighters that were near heard his footsteps . Then , a tree 's branch fell on his the horse 's way . It was quite big , so he needed to run fast , gain impulse and then jump . When he got to the other side , Ty 's head hit to Spartan 's . Ty open his eyes and saw everything dark . He didn 't know where he was or what he was doing . Seconds later , he remembered that he was running from the fire 's flames , and the burned candles . " What ? How ? . . . Why ? " he modulated those words in his mouth . " In fact in a long story " . " Are you OK ? " Amy asked . " Depends on what OK means " he laughed . " I don 't remember anything at all " " I 'm kind of lost " he said . " My jacket ! " he shouted as he put his hands on his head . " That 's not the most important thing now " . " We need to save our lives before looking for your suit " She said . Then she realized that she was being quite rude , so she added " We can look for it later , when the fire stops , OK ? " " Ah , yes sure " said in a low voice . He knew he had to find it , their future was in his jacket . Ty took her hands . " We are near ! " he said . Spartan continued galloping trough the smoke . They were just meters away . They realized about it because they saw some police men looking for them . The officers could not even blink after seeing suck a miracle . That 's what it was , a miracle . Lou heard a noise that sounded familiar to her . It was a horse 's steps . " Spartan " she shouted . All the family Bartlett - Fleming got shocked as they saw Spartan returning with two people . " Ty and Amy " said Mallory . Everyone went running where the horse had stopped . Amy tried to go down of Spartan with Ty 's help , and so did he with Amy 's help . They were all dusty and full of injuries and bruises all over their body . Their clothes were full of blood and ashes , their jeans were ripped , her knees were naked , and Ty 's shirt was almost nothing , just pieces of cloth . When Amy saw him in the light , her cheeks turned reddish , sheChapter 8 - After the AfterAfter some hugs , kisses and tears , they were all sitting in the living room , including Caleb and Ashley . Everybody was laughing about Ty 's dangerous date , but Ty was nervous . " What about if we died there ? " he thought to himself . He stood up and sat in the sofa next to Amy . " I 'm so sorry " he said . " No Ty , it 's OK . " " There was a lot of wind , it isn 't your fault . " " I know , but I should have thought about it from the beginning " " I 'm really sorry . " Amy smiled and hugged him . Then , she put her hand in his forehead and took the blood from the cut he had there . It had been just a few hours since the incident , and they had already taken a bath and changed their clothes . Amy took Ty 's hand and said " Come with me , we have to say thanks to someone . " Ty followed her as they left the house . They went to the barn and sat next to Spartan 's stall . " Hey boy " said Ty as they hugged Spartan for a second . " You saved our life " Amy continued . " You are really special for us … we don 't know how to thank you , anything in the world would be enough . " The horse put his nose in Amy 's head . They hugged him again and touched his mane . " It 's the miracle horse and the miracle girl . " Said Ty and then laughed . " And the miracle boyfriend " said Amy . Ty got closer to Amy and then kissed her . She closed her eyes and kissed him back . Then Ty kissed her again but this time more intense and Amy smiled and kissed him back . They hugged for a while and then Ty said " So , you 'll be fine if I am your miracle boyfriend ? " He said emphasizing in the word miracle . " More than just fine . " She said and kissed him again . " Great ! " " Great ! " They kissed another time and they returned to the house while Ty hugged her from her back leaving his hands on her waist . He kissed her neck while Amy laughed . When they opened the door everybody looked at them and their romantic scene . When they realized that everyone was looking at them they smiled . Amy tried to get away from Ty 's arms softlyChapter 9 " Dad , Is everything OK ? " Amy asked as he saw Tim staring to Ty . " Yes , yes " He answered . Jack looked into Tim 's eyes and moved his head pointing to the kitchen . He stood up and went to the kitchen followed by Tim . " What ? " Tim asked . " I 'm pretty sure you know what " said Jack and grabbed Ty 's jacket from a chair and showed it to Tim . " Here 's the deal , If you tell anything to Amy or Ty about it you will just make more problems , untold problems . You better not … " " What am I supposed to do Jack , if I realized out of the spot Ty 's intentions were to not only be his boyfriend but to marry her ! " Tim interrupted . " Why didn 't he asked me first ? " " Calm down Tim " " Who knows , perhaps he was gonna tell us " " What am I supposed to do now , ah ? He repeated . Suddenly , Ty walked to the room . Tim and Jack stopped talking and looked at him . Ty saw his Jacket in Jack 's hand . " I heard everything " said Ty slowly . Tim and Jack were speechless . " Come on , sit down , I 'll tell ya " said Ty before Tim and Jack could speak . " Just one question , you want to marry her right ? " Tim asked . " Well , I just … " Tim looked at him waiting for his answer . Ty was nervous , a little shocked , but although he tried to look for the right answer , he should say something to keep Tim and Jack relived , to convince them and make them feel that everything was just fine . He was in trouble . The only thing that Ty could think about was how was he going to fix this problem . " In fact is a long story . " " Go on " " I bought the ring some days ago . I wanted me and Amy to get back together , but every time we talked about it , something happened . So I saw the ring and thought that that would be the perfect solution . I always have it with me since the day I bought it . I 'm just looking for the right moment , right place and right words . " Ty said and then stopped talking for a while . " I don 't know how to do this " he added . Tim took a breath , and Jack looked at him . " Well , I guess is not a secret any more . " Does anybodChapter 11 - Just think Two hours later , Amy was working on " Wonder " while Ty watched her talking with the horse . It was a sunny day , there were no clouds in the blue sky and the heat that made everybody feel seek and work felt harder . Ty felt thirsty , so he went to the house to get some water . " Oh my god , it 's burning outside ! " Mallory said as she got to room . " Hey Mallory " " Aren 't you supposed to be working at Maggie 's ? " Ty asked . " Yeah " She said and crinkled her nose . Ty looked at her trying to say " So ? " The temperature is too high , I can 't walk how am I supposed to serve meals ? " She said moving her head . " I said I was sick " she smiled . " Really ? " Ty asked . You can grow up from the outside , but you 're still the outgoing and exaggerating Mallory " he said in a sigh . " Whatever " " So what are you going to do all day , just sit down ? " Ty asked . " I 'll try to find a way to get colder . " " That didn 't go so well last time , right ? " They laughed . " Whatever " She said this time more exaggerated . It was almost evening , almost everyone in the ranch had been working on cleaning the ashes from the burned parts . " You and your crazy dates " Jack repeated to Ty a couple of times . " Jack I 'm really sorry , I didn 't knew that … " Ty said and was stopped by Jack . " It 's OK , It isn 't your fault , you 've done enough work for today , go and get a bath . " He said . Ty runned to the barn and then stopped by when he saw Amy next to the stables . " Hello " " Hi " She said and got closer . She smiled as she saw that Ty was all sweaty . " So , you 've been working with the burned date ? " She asked when he saw Ty 's hands and arms were all black . He smiled and tried to hug her . " Don 't think about it ! " She laughed . She ran out of the barn and Ty followed her with a scary face . Amy accidentally stepped over a puddle and fell down . A minute later , they were completely covered with ashes and mud sitting over more mud . Jack and Tim turned around and saw them all dirty . " I don 't know how arChapter 12 Family time The sun was hiding between the mountains leaving the blue sky almost dark . It was a little cold outside , so they decided to put the horses in the barn before the sunset . Lou walked to the kitchen and looked through the window . That warm environment made her feel so comfortable . That was her home , Heartland was a part of her . She smiled as she got lost in her thoughts about her childhood . The decision of living here and not in Dubai was one she will never regret . She missed Peter a lot and didn 't like the idea of living in different places , but she would never live home . " Peter " she whispered as she thought about him . Suddenly , she heard someone opening the door . " Hey grandpa " she said . " Hey Lou " " Lisa called a hour ago " " She wanted to know about last night 's incident , you better call her back " " OK " he took his cowboy off his head and left it in the kitchen 's table . " Have you seen your sister ? " she said she would help me get the horses to the barn , but she didn 't show up " he said . " She went who knows where with … Ty " he said and shook his head . " Oh , no " she said trying to exaggerate just to make Jack nervous . " Fine " Amy and Ty got to the kitchen . Lou smiled to Jack and said " see ? " " So what 's for dinner ? " Amy sat in the kitchen and drunk a glass with water . " I need your help for that , I 'm having a little stomachache " " Oh sure I 'll do it " She smiled . After last night , they had almost forgotten that Lou was pregnant . " Everything went so fast " she thought . Amy didn 't like cooking but she would do it for her sister and her baby . Lou left the room . " So what 's for dinner boss ? " Ty asked and looked at Amy . " It 's a secret " she smiled . " You better hurry , It 's six o ' clock " Jack said . Chapter 13 - they say it 's bad luck The following day , Tim was driving on the Highway on his way to Heartland . He was with Janice , her girlfriend who had just returned from California . Janice was talking to him about the course of one of the races in which she competed . Janice in her brown hair and light eyes was explaining every single detail about her trip to California , and when she had nothing else to say she looked at Tim and asked him " What about you ? " " Well , I had been helping Jack with the burned parts of the ranch , it 's not much work but we have to take out the ashes from the fields , it would be a disaster if the horses eat it . " She smiled and asked again " What about Amy , how did she handle all this ? " In fact was her dumb boyfriend who burned everything up , they were in a date " " Ty ? " " Really ? ' ' " Well , that 's just the beigining … " said Tim . He told Janice all the story of the ring and how he felt about it . Janice took a minute to think and then smiled to him . " I understand " she said . " When it happened with Lou was different because she was twenty something when she married Peter , but with Amy is different " He added . " She is your little girl , but even if she married Ty - something that it 's not certain now - you are not gonna lose her , things will stay the same . " " You need to let her grow Tim " Janice didn 't expect an answer , shut up and left the conversation in a long silence . Tim heard every single word but didn 't say a word until they got off the car to walk into the house where Lou was preparing pasta for lunch . Ty and Tim crossed looks when they sat on the dining room . " That looks good " Said Jack when he saw the large plate with spaghetti in the middle of the table . He took a portion and so did the rest . " So Amy how have you been doing with Wonder ? " Jack said starting the conversation . " I think I 'm making process , I decided to start slow not to make him run for now . Maybe tomorrow we 'll take him for a ride so he can get used at least to galloChapter 14 - Lost It was a moment of panic . Actions and reactions , blood , heavy silence and horrid scenes . Pain , struggle , drops and tears . Those were the words to explain the situation they were in . One second lasted hours . Just three seconds needed to break the atmosphere . Blood , lost of blood split in the wooden floor . It went darker and darker in Amy 's mind , until the moment she couldn 't see at all . Her head crushed the floor in an angelical and weightless sound . Another heavy silence went through the room until the rest of her body fell to the floor answering to the sound of her head hitting the ground . Amy 's hair covering her head in the floor next to her body was covered with her left hand . The blondish color of her hair turned up to be red , dark red . Except for the lock of hair that covered her forehead and mouth that was still untouched by the blood which now was also spread in the floor . Thoughts came into Amy 's mind like nightmares , but she didn 't remember when she had gone to bed . This thoughts were flashes of the past . This moment of falling to the floor unconscious produced by the pain she felt in her neck was time to stop and turn around and let her see all that she has done in life . It was just her brain working and reminding her things , it was from that unconscious part of your brain that works only sometimes when you need it . Like those dreams you dream many times and then that same thing happens to you in real life . The first image that came to her mind was her mother talking to her when she was six years old , she was teaching her how to ride her pony . " I can do it mom ! " " Watch me ! " " I 'm doing it on my own ! " " Look ! " little Amy laughed proud of herself . The following memories were about her and Lou cleaning one horse from the ranch . They were throwing water to each other and playing with the bubbles of soap that were flying in the air . " You won 't get me ! " Lou said as she ran to the barn with that voice of a ten year old girl . Then , something more recent came to her mind , but unfortunately she didn 't remember every single detail . It was when Ty came to Heartland and she received him , some weeks after her mother died . At first , he was just the rude guy who worked there , but then he changed almost completely and left his past far away from what he became . After that , she had other flashbacks that made her remember about horses she had been working with , including Spartan , when she fixed his problem and realized that she had a lot of similarities with her mother . Those were some of the hundred images that came to her mind . Then , other strange moments passed though her mind which she didn 't remember if she had lived them or not . Amy saw colors first . She saw violet , red , green and white . The first one was a dark red , then a light violet , an intense green and finally just white . The white stayed much time than the others . Then , three blue horses appeared over the white . Chapter 15 - Brand new eyes " Hey ! How are you ? " Everyone in the room started smiling and looking at her . They asked almost the same questions . " What happened ? " " What am I doing here ? " Amy asked . " We were having lunch when suddenly a bullet came through the window and hit your head " Lou answered while she got closer to her . Amy took time to think . She saw her family 's faces looking at her in sadness . Lou , Jack , Tim , Mallory , Peter , Lisa and Janice were standing around her . She didn 't know what to say after listening to Lou 's answer . She forgot about that instantly . Ty wasn 't there . " Where 's Ty ? " She looked at Lou . " He is outside . We told him that he should get a break ; he stood all the week here taking care of you . " A week ? " She asked before thinking . She had been a whole week in a hospital when she believed that was only minutes ago that she had fainted . " I 'm gonna call him " Mallory said as she ran out of the room . While Mallory went to call Ty , Amy started answering many of the questions that they had asked her . Then , a doctor opened the door of the hospital 's room . " She has woken up ? ! ? " The doctor looked surprised what annoyed Amy from the first time . He had black hair and dark eyes . Amy strangely didn 't like him from her first look . " Did he expected me not to be alive ? " Crossed through Amy 's mind , but fastly disappeared in her thoughts when he said the following . " That 's great ! Awesome ! " " You were very weak this past few days , fortunately your body has answered to all our treatments . " " For now , " He said . They shouldn 't forget that this hadn 't ended yet . " Good for now " " We have to see how it goes . " " You will stay here from some weeks , this is serious " He added . All the family looked at the doctor while he spoke seriously to Amy . " I 'll ask the nurses to bring you dinner " He shook his head , smiled and went for some medicines . When the doctor was leaving the room , he met Ty who was just returning from his time off . Ty walked straight to the dooChapter 16 - all good Some weeks had past . Finally , it was time to let Amy go home and to return to her normal life . She had gotten better these few days . It was seven o ' clock . Amy was a little hungry and tired . She decided to sleep a little before returning home . Amy laid in the white bed and fell asleep . One of the nurses walked to the hospital room where Amy was . It was time for breakfast . " Miss Fleming " The nurse called . Amy slowly opened her eyes and exchanged sights with the nurse in charge of her . The women left the room . Her cell phone rang ; it was Ty , who had sent her a text message telling her to look through the window of her room . Amy stood up and looked through the windowpane . It was raining outside . She looked down and saw cars parked in the parking lot of the hospital , she explored the environment with her eyes , it was really cold and the sky was dark since the clouds covered the sun and decorated the sky with lightning stripes . And there was her grandfather standing next to Ty 's truck . Ty blinked at her and Jack smiled . They walked fast to the entrance of the hospital and after visiting the reception of the clinic . After climbing the long and old stairs they knocked on Amy 's room . " You ready ? " Ty asked while he helped Amy pack her stuff in her bag . " Ready " " I 'm so done of medicines , doctors and surgeries ! The only thing I want to do is get home and see Spartan ! " Ty smiled and laughed . " He has missed you a lot , believe me " " That guy woke me up three times last night , he didn 't wanted to sleep , he needed his miracle girl " " I miss him so much " " Did you miss me ? ' ' Ty asked . ' ' Of course I did ' ' she hugged him and kissed his cold cheek . ' ' Okay we should get going ' ' he held her hand . " Let 's go " she added . When they were almost leaving the room Jack came in . They headed to the truck . Back in the ranch , Lou and Peter were standing by the fire place talking . " I can 't wait to tell Amy " Lou said . Peter smiled and passed the baby to Lou . That was their daughter Charlotte , the four day - old baby . She wore a pink blanket all around her . " Look at her , she looks just like her mother ! " Peter added . " but those are your eyes " she smiled gently . Amy had been in the hospital for some weeks , but she didn 't know her sister was too . Charlotte was a surprise for Amy that Lou and Peter had been hiding for a while because it was just too much for the miracle girl to handle at the moment . Since she could return home today , she would be able to see her . Tim pulled out of the drive way to take the way to Heartland . He got out of the truck and stared at the house for a moment . Tim knew he had to enter to the house and congratulate her daughter as he should have done days before . It was hard for him watching his daughters grow up that fast . He took a deep breath and then got to the house . As soon as he walked inside , he saw Lou and his husband sitting with their daughter . He sat on the couch with them and then all the words came out of his mouth . The first thing he said was " I 'm so proud of you " By the time , Jack , Ty and Amy were half way to Heartland . Jack shot some questions to Amy while Ty started thinking . Ty remembered Amy 's accident like if it had been yesterday . He remembered every single detail . This was really serious . He realized that no one in the family had talked about the fact that some shot her . The boy hadn 't been sleeping last night thinking about it . Ty wanted to know who was the one who shot her and why . After that of course he would return all the pain to the guy who did it . Other thought that crossed in his mind was the engagement ring that was hidden in his bedroom . Ty knew that he should wait since Amy had this accident . Again , wait one more time . " Give her time " He thought . Suddenly , it started to rain violently . Amy , Jack and Ty were already at home . They found Peter , Lou and Tim in the living room . " Oh Amy , I missed you so much ! " Lou said and hugged her sister . " Honey , how are you ? How is your head ? " Tim hugged his daugther and kissed her cheek . " I 'm better , thank you . " They stayed in that position for a some seconds . Lou carried her daughter tightly in her arms and walked next to Amy with Peter by her side . " I have some big news " She showed the baby . Peter looked at Amy to see her reaction . " May I introduce you to your aunt ? " He asked softly . " Oh my god ! She is beautiful ! " Amy held the delicate and little baby in her arms . She was full of clothes and pink blankets with flower patterns wrapped around her . She was the lightest thing that Amy had ever seen . The baby girl had green eyes and a cute soft smile in her face . With her little hands , the little kid grabbed her finger . " What 's her name ? " " Jessica " Lou and Peter said at the same time . " Hi Jess " Said Amy as she kissed her forehead . Ty saw Amy fascinated wither sister 's child . He stood behind Amy , put his arms around her waist and left his head over his girlfriend 's shoulder . Suddenly he felt like a pain on his stomach . It was not like a stomach ache , it was a different kind of pain , like a positive pain . " In fact isn 't pain what I feel , because if it was , it would be negative . The pain is always negative . " " I don 't even understand what I am saying . " He thought . Ty started thing about his life with Amy , if they ever married . " It 's time " said a voice in his mind . His heart beats were now faster and louder , Ty wished that Amy didn 't realize . " I think things to much " " I have to do it … NOW " . He didn 't wanted to interrupt the moment , but luckily he wasn 't the one to break this beautiful scene . The girl fell asleep . " Let 's take her to her room " Peter said while he looked at Lou . " Her parents need a rest too " Jack advised . He was right . They decided to go to bed earlier , they were exhausted since they couldn Chapter 19 - Score Amy tried to pull his arm , but it didn 't work . Ty went inside the house and she followed him . Peter and Lou had decided to eat something before going to sleep , so when Ty and Amy went inside they found them in the dining table with Jack and Mallory . " What 's up with that smile ? " Jack looked at her younger granddaughter . " Well … I have some news , we have some news " She looked at Ty . Lou saw the ring on Amy 's hand and froze up . " Amy ! " " You are … ? " Amy realized what her sister wanted to say , so she stood still looking at her . " Oh my god ! . . . Amy you are going to get married ! ! ! " She shouted . They both stood up and hugged . " I 'm so happy for you ! " " What have I missed ? " Jack stood up as he saw that all the rest were standing too . He didn 't doubt it . Jack hugged Ty . He was very happy for them . " That 's the way son " " Son " Ty thought . He hugged Jack back . " I know " . He said . " Congratulations ! " Mallory hugged Amy . " This will be awesome " Then Peter hugged Ty . " Congratulations " " You don 't know how much time we were waiting for this " Jack said to Amy . " Grandpa , Are you ok ? " This was the first time they had listened Jack mention those words . " You don 't know the entire story behind " He added . " I don 't know what is it but , all of you have to explain me everything that I don 't know " " We have time before the wedding right ? " Amy looked at Lou . " Of course if you let me plan it " Lou smiled . " Sure " " This will be awesome " " You will have the best wedding ever ! " " So , I will have the best wedding planner ! " " You will " Lou added . " Are you already planning the wedding ? " Ty put his arms around Amy 's waist and also put his head over her left shoulder . " Something like it " Said Amy . Everyone was full of excitement . In special Lou , who was going to plan everything for her sister . And of course , Amy and Ty , thinking about their future . There was a soft melody playing beyond their voices , the song Here There And Everywhere by the Beatles , describing the beautiful environment around them . Amy imagined herself in the wedding , wearing a white dress , and Ty in a elegant suit . Then , she thought about her life with Ty , and that was when she felt a soft warm tear escaped from her eyes and fell to her cheek . After a while , Jack said " I don 't want to be a party pooper but tomorrow everyone 's got to work so I suggest you go to bed early . " " Good night " Mallory said with a sleepy voice . " Good night " Lou and Peter said . " night " Amy added , and then Ty . " We 're living too " Peter said . " You coming with me ? " Amy asked . " Shore " Ty answered . It was almost eight in the morning . Wonder , the light brown horse was ready to start with his treatment , but also starving . He moved his head from right to left and then onwards . Fortunately , his owners were able to live Wonder for some more weeks , they had to be patient if they wanted their horse fixed since all the things Amy had gone through lately , not only bad things but also wonderful . Wonder saw Jack closing the door of the barn and walking to him . A morning air filled the stable . He took a bag of food and threw some in to a bucket . He gave the bucket to Wonder so that he could eat . " Here you 've got " Amy was staring at the mirror of the bathroom of her room . Her arm and her head ware leaning in the bluish transparent tile of the toilet 's wall . In her white pajama 's tank shirt her eyes contrasted . Amy realized that she had been standing there for almost ten minutes . She dressed up like usual , a jean and a shirt . When she finished , Amy checked out if Ty had woken up . Ty was still sleeping . The curtain was half open , letting the sunlight in and also to Ty 's face . Amy closed it and looked at him with a smile . Then she saw the clock - " It 's time " - She rushed to the kitchen . Amy was seating in the kitchen eating some just baked bread . The morning sun shined and gave a warmer termperature to the atmosphere . She giggled . This day was going to be perfect , starting by an hour of working with Wonder , the most active horse she had ever treated . Although it was sometimes tiring to work with animals , Amy loved it and enjoyed it . Required the perfect balance of patience , faith and trust in the horse . One of the most frightening things was about to come : Telling dad about the big scoop . - Amy 's head rested in her hand while she thought . - And last but not least , today she was going to tell Soraya , Ashley and Caleb . - She smiled . - Hopefully , at the end of the day , she would have a time for Ty , maybe to talk about their future , the wedding and further more . Amy looked at her hand with the golden ring and then looked at the clock , ten minutes passed . Mallory was in the barn mucking Cooper stall , first thing in the morning . She was wearing a white tank shirt and a red hoodie . She smiled at she remembered about last night . Mallory wasn 't thinking about the newlyweds , apart from that , last night happened something more . Yesterday , when she was about to fell asleep , her cell phone rang , it wasn 't one of her parents calls , neither from her high school friends , it was Badger 's . They talked about half an hour , And when she was about to hang up , he told her the most amazing thing he had ever said : he was returning home , and soon . Mallory 's heart dropped she started daydreaming about his homecoming . Chapter 21 Ty was heading outside . He saw Amy in the open arena and waved then smiled . Amy laughed and waved back . Ty ran to his classic blue truck . " I 'm late " he yelled to her . " Have a nice day " she yelled back . " You too " he giggled as he got inside the truck . " He 's back to normal " she thought . He was going to university again , it was relieving . Wonder ran in circles full of energy . " Does he fly ? " Amy asked to herself . She couldn 't understand why this horse was afraid of running in races , he could run perfectly well there . " He must be in a lot of pressure when he competes , many horses are . " Amy made him stop and touched his nose gently . Wonder took a deep breath , the miracle girl felt it in her hand . " Good boy " she whispered . It was time to try something different , Amy thought . She made the horse follow her to the barn . There , she saddled her loving horse Spartan , and took both horses to the open field . Wonder often looked at Spartan who sended him a warning sight . As result , he answered bad . Amy realized the negative attitude from both horses and said " Hey ! You two stop it ! " She decided not to pay much attention and continued her way to the open green field . The grass had grown these past few months . The last time Amy had been there with someone else , was once she went with Ty , before he left mysteriously to see his father . Since then , she had been there alone to see the peaceful atmosphere . She remembered the exact same scene that had happened four maybe three years ago . It was very clear , like it had taken place yesterday . It was one of those winter snowy and wintry days . They had pulled out to the place in Ty 's blue truck , and they were walking in the floor which was covered with a white blanket of snow . " If I only knew we would be together " she thought . A smile appeared in her light - colored face . Amy 's hair blew and covered her eyes ; she pulled it back behind her ear . It was time to return back . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Jessica , Lou and Peter 's baby , was happily eating her breakfast . It was the most amazing thing that had happened to them after getting married . There was just some details that Peter had to live with , he had to apply for a job the soonest possible . The previous week , he had looked for jobs in the internet , he found some that were applicable for his carrier of company runner . There was not much time , he couldn 't live jobless any longer . Peter grabbed his jacket then said " Honey I have to go somewhere I 'll be back soon " " Everything Ok ? " Lou asked . " I 'll tell you when I come back , I just want to see how things work out " " Peter " Lou warned . He couldn 't resist her wife 's worried look so he spilled out everything he had to say . Tim was galloping in the Alberta mountains near the wide river that flowed by . He went through a wide path in the woods . Tim hurried up a bit and grabbed his cowboy hat before it flew from his head . His horse nudged and followed his order of quicking up . He heard something coming from the trees , he moved his back backwards and pulled the rains . Tim saw a dark black horse and then , was obvious who was . Amy , Spartan and Wonder . Her daughter smiled when he saw her dad . " Taking a shortcut uh ? " " Hi dad ! " Amy got down of the horse and hugged him . Chapter 22 " Honey " " How are things ? " Tim asked . Amy repeated the question in her head . It was almost like her father already knew what she was going to say . She looked into his eyes questioning what he had just said . Then turned her head to the left and looked for the right words in her mind . Her heart beat quickened , Amy stepped back , trying not to be so close to him , he didn 't need to know she was nervous about his so promising question . " He 's just my father " , she thought . " Why am I acting like this ? " - What Amy was afraid of her father 's reaction - She was going to get married at the age of eighteen , almost nineteen , there was a big chance of her father over reacting , also , he 's mood was quite unpredictable . He half - smiled after listening to his daughter 's comment and thought for a second . " Yeah , sure , I 'll be there for lunch " He changed of topic " Oh ! Amy I almost forgot to tell you , yesterday one of my people found some wild mustangs , seems that two of them where shot , they have serious injuries " " Do you think you can ask that vet of yours . . ? " " Oh " She worried . " Scott ? " " Sure , I 'll talk to him " Then she remembered " I 'm afraid he went to Calgary for the week , but anyways , Ty can . . " She couldn 't finish her sentence , because Tim interrupted . " Wha . . ? " She stuttered . " Ty is in his studies but he has been working with Scott , he may not be a definite vet but maybe he can help " " I 'm late " he added . " See you at lunch " He kissed her forehead . He rushed to his horse and blinked at her . Tim left her daughter standing there waiting for an answer . " What was that ? " She yelled " At least tell me where do you have them ? " Amy shouted louder . " What the heck 's going on " She thought . One of the things Amy didn 't like was being left with no answers . She looked at her horse and sat on it 's saddle . Wonder accompanied them . When she was going back home , she thought about her father and about Ty , if there 's was anything to worry about . It was almost one o ' clock , Mallory was helping Amy to set the table for lunch . Amy passed some clean plates to put on the table , she stared at her . Something was not right , Mallory hadn 't even said a word since they started cooking lunch , Amy asked her some questions but Mallory jus answered with Yes or No . " What 's going on ? " She asked and crossed her arms like a detective about to find out what the mistery is about . When she said that she saw something they both had in common that she didn 't know from before . " I know how you feel , I 've been through that " " Remember when Ty left me some years ago , to visit his father " " I was confused too " " I didn 't know what to do about him or what to feel , I had many feelings for him , but I was furious when he left without telling anything . I let the anger trespass the love . So I moved on , I started getting rid of those memories about us that made me cry . It felt right at that moment , but when he returned , everything got messy . He found other girl and I was in the middle " " It took me that long to figure out I loved him " " Mallory , it 's your time to choose now . If you wait as much as I did , if not it might hurt Badger " The sky was dark , full of twinkling stars . It was the best night in the whole summer , it was not too hot and not to cold . Perfect . Amy and Ty were lying on the grass , surrounded by bushes and trees . They were looking hypnotized at the magnificent sky . They had had a picnic before , some sandwiches with marmalade and some others with cheese and jam . Ty 's bike was lying in one of the trees , it seemed like it had disappeared in the dark night . Ty turned his head and looked at Amy . She smiled and waited for him to talk . " What do you have in mind . . about all this thing ? " She laughed when she saw how nervously Ty spilled his words . " Oh come on ! " " With more confidence ? " She whispered as she puched him softly in his ribs . " It just sounds strange " " Can 't believe this is happening " He said looking to the South . He 's green eyes lightened up when he looked at Amy 's smile . He had not seen it for a long time . Lou 's baby , Jessica , cried loudly , wrapped in Peter 's arms . He swang her left to right to calm her . " shh … You 're going to be ok " he whispered . Jess moved her hands and legs , she was exhausted but couldn 't fell asleep . Lou also tryied to calm her , she gave her the pacifier and started singing a lullaby that her mother used to sing to her when she was young . Two minutes later the baby girl was sleeping happily and peacefully in her small pink bed . It was a relief . Hopefully , she wouldn 't wake up in some more hours , time to rest . " Yeah " " It worked last time too " She looked sweetly at Peter . " This was a song my mum used to sing to me when I was only some years old . It surely has some kind of magic " She remembered . Jack finished reading his book . He closed it and took his glasses off . He realized everyone was peacefully sleeping , so he quietly turned off the lights and walked to his room . Jack opened the door of Amy 's room and said goodnight to both of them , Ty and Amy . Then , did the same with her other granddaughter . Jack didn 't forget Mallory , he said " Good Night " too . Ty was leaving University with a huge pile of books , now heading home in his blue truck . He saw the light of the sun in the blue summer sky . He smiled and drove carefully to Heartland . The highway was full of emptiness . Suddenly , he heard something coming from the opposite side of the road . Ty kept on driving ; he felt the noise closer and closer . There was a red mini van parked in one side of the road . Next to it there were two guys grabbing violently a girl from her shoulders and arms . The girl was tall and had a long blond hair . One of the guys was forcing her to get into the van , while the other , - bold guy with an piercing on the left ear and other on his lip - spoke rudely in her ear to hurry up . Ty 's heart dropped . It couldn 't be true . He was unsure of whom that girl was , he couldn 't see her face , but she looked just like one person he knew and loved . Automatically , he stopped the car and ran to where the guys were . He punched the tall guy in the face . The guy turned around and saw Ty 's face . His eyes filled with anger glanced at his partner , the pierced one . He also turned around , and when he did this movement , the girl turned too . Ty 's eyes opened bigger , and he stared at the girl with a questioned look . She wasn 't Amy , instead , she had different eyes and also different face . He didn 't predict a punch in the eye by one of the guys . On the floor , a little confused looking at the ugly face that had just hit him in the face Ty rejected from interrupting them . He glanced at the girl , who was confused and shocked . Then realized that she was not that blond , she had light brown hair and her eyes were green , like he 's . She was slim and tall , almost eighteen years old . Dressed in a pair of dusty jeans , black shirt and red zipped sweater which left her right shoulder naked as a consequence of the bad treatment she had received . She was terrified and dirty ; it was difficult not to realize that she had been in those conditions for days . Some tears fell from her eyes and decorated her bloody cheeks . Ty stood up aAmy 's eyes filled with tears as she heard the girl asking for Ty 's name , insecure because she didn 't knew where she was or who those people were . Amy saw Ty and tried to clean all the blood from his face . " You 're going to be fine " She cried as she saw Ty 's painful eyes . Chapter 25 Ty slowly opened his eyes . He couldn 't remember where he was , he was somewhere quiet dark , with not even a single light on . Ty sat down quickly and felt the cloth of a blanket with his left hand . Trying to clear his eyes with the other hand , he found out that he was on Amy 's room . He tried to mobilize his tired body , but most of it hurt , so he found out that it was not such a successful mission trying to stand up . Ty opened the door and closed it behind him . He lifted his body over the wall with his hand . In the living room , Amy , and Jack were sitting together , Amy 's head over his shoulder and Jack 's arm sweetly laid around her . The flames from the fireplace gave the room a familiar environment . Ty felt guilty about interrupting them , so he waited a while before speaking . " Hey " He said . " Ty " Amy whispered . " Had a nice sleep ? " " Hm . . yes " Ty said confused scratching his head . Amy giggled when she saw his sleepy face . " What ? " " Nothing " She laughed . " Do you know how much time you 've been sleeping ? " " No " He answered fastly . " Almost ten hours " She laughed . " Oh . . " " I don 't even remember when I went to sleep " " It 's a long story " Jack added who was seating next to Amy . " A long story ? " " Yeah " " A long story , I imagine is the one you have to tell me " Amy remembered . " The girl . . " She tried to remember him . Ty took a few seconds to think " Yes , sorry I forgot . . " He sat down in the sofa next to them . " I was driving here , as usual , after leaving University when I found two guys threatening a girl , - who at that moment , don 't know why looked just like you , - and . . " " Just like me ? " Amy questioned . " Yes . . I was stupid enough to get on their way . " " I decided to finish what I had started " He made a stop in between . " Then I got here with the girl and after that , I don 't remember anything else " Jack listened carefully at Ty while he thought . " So what are you planning to do with this girl ? " He asked . " Certainly , I don 't know " Ty answered . Amy bit heTy nudged . Then looked at Amy , who was staring at her engagement ring . He waited until she looked back at him . Ty smiled , then she smiled back . It was Saturday morning . Amy , after sleeping some hours , was working in the round open with Stinky , a new horse . He had just arrived to Heartland . This guy had black legs and brown body , his long mane was light - brown , mixed with black locks of horse hair . Stinky was homeless and wasn 't yet prepared to be ridden . Amy watched him run in the ring , and thought to herself what a beautiful horse Stinky was . He was hundred percent wild , but also good with people . " If he hadn 't been a horse , I would probably date him " She laughed . Stink 's mane moved wildly in the air . He rose up his head , stepped back and lifted up his two front legs , the horse prepared to do something breathtaking , completely not - normal . He saw one of the fences in the round open and with impulse jumped it . Full of excitement , from the other side of the wooden fence , Stinky stared at Amy . Amy was extremely shocked by the recent movement of the horse . She looked into his deep dark eyes which were lightening up , waiting for her answer . Amy wasn 't certain about what to do , so she climbed the door of the open arena and stayed standing up next to the gorgeous animal . With her hands , she touched his forehead while he stood still . Amy giggled softly and Stinky replied in a nod . " Good boy " She whispered . Jack was standing in the front porch of his house . He was dressed in a bottomed shirt and typical blue jeans . Today , Lisa was returning to Heartland after some weeks in France , managing her business with horses . She had phoned him some days ago , and according to Jack , Lisa was supposed to come back by today . With his coffee in one hand , he waited for some minutes , watching his family ranch and also admiring himself in how good he had managed to keep it the way it had always been . Suddenly the phone rang inside the house , so he walked into it to pick it up . Lou , who was in the kitchen , was talking in the phone . Jack saw her , and immediately realized whom she was talking to when he heard her say " dad " . " How are things around there ? " Tim asked remembering the talk he had had with Amy few days before . " Good " Lou replied . " I thought you would be home for lunch yesterday . ' ' Lou added . " Oh , sorry honey , I couldn 't make it " " Hum . . and how 's Amy doing ? " " She 's fine , pretty excited about her wedding plans , also horses , you know " " Wedding plans ? " He asked confusingly . " Yes , Her and Ty . . . You knew it right ? " Tim was upset enough for not to talk " It 's getting late , I have to hung up , I 've got some things to do . . " " Oh Ok " Lou said , also confused . Ty was walking to the dude ranch , with his hands in his pockets , after having a good rest and a good bath . For some reason he decided to walk instead of going by car , perhaps to have more time to reflect about last night , or to think how to talk to Lucy . In some minutes , he was standing in the door step of her cabin , in his black jacket . Ty knocked the door more than once , until she opened it . Lucy seemed to be better than last night , now she was cleaner ; her brown hair looked flossy and quite wavy . She had put a jean mini skirt and a blue tank shirt that contrasted her green eyes . She also had a piercing in her navel which was barely visible . That completely changed her look of ' good girl ' . Ty was the one to start speaking . Lucy glanced at Ty and closed the door of the cabin behind her . She didn 't know him , but felt that he felt the same way she did . It was challenging to talk , but they found the way to start . " Should we go for a walk ? " Ty required . It was good for her to hear his voice again since the moment they arrived to Heartland . " That would be good " Lucy agreed . She couldn 't think of a better way to begin . They walked some meters and left behind them the small wooden cabins of the dude ranch . Lucy had her arms crossed over her chest due to the cold breeze from the morning air that hit them . Meanwhile , Ty walked slowly and silently with his hands on his pockets . The rhythm of their footsteps broke the beautiful silence of the country side . Out of the blew , Ty broke the ice , and said " I don 't do this all the time " " What ? " She questioned . " I 'm not used to saving people . . I 'm not a type of Superman , or anything alike " " I was lucky " Lucy giggled . Ty smiled . " Right " " Thank you " She added . " You don 't know how much ! … Thank you … Thank you for saving me " " You 're welcome " " Lucy , right ? " He pointed at her . " Yes " " And you 're Ty " She pointed at him . " That 's right " He smiled while he swayed . They had a moment of silence . Then Lucy spoke " You must have a lot of experience in fighting and punching . . " " I saw you kick those guy 's ass " " Maybe a little " He laughed at her comment . " Are you kidding me ? " " ok … ok " He laughed " Maybe I 'm good at that " He admitted . " I was watching " " At first , the fight wasn 't that equal " " They were going to kill you " She giggled . " Thanks . . a lot for that " He doubted . They laughed at each other and almost couldn 't stop . Lucy gave him a soft punch in the arm in a friendly way . Amy was riding Spartan through the small forest next to the river . She stopped when she heard a laughter coming from somewhere really close . Amy rode him through some bushes , and then , some meters down saw Ty and the girl , Lucy , joking , laughing happily together . Spartan nudged and laid his head downwards . Amy softened the reigns and contemplated the scene . Suddenly , a pain filled her chest and then reached her neck , making her shiver . She tried to calm down , breathe in and out a couple of times . The pain also reached her heart which started to beat fast . Amy inhaled and exhaled air once more , she tried to keep her composure . Each word they laughed about hurt her . She gulped , she felt really sensible , like if any single word would hurt her . A cold crystalline tear dropped from her eye . She drove Spartan backwards , and tried to clean it . As fastest as possible , Amy left the place , and galloped back home with that rock in her neck that informed her that she was about to break in tears . Amy felt a symphony in her head . Her conscience played the song - The Only Exception - . The lyrics filled her head and the sound of the instruments echoed in her brain . It was a feeling of disappointment , and sadness that made her tears fall and also made her heart hurt like a stone . Amy was dismounting Spartan in the barn . Softly , she gave him a massage in his forehead , sort of a t - touch . Meanwhile , the other horses including the wildest one , Stinky were resting in their stalls waiting anxiously to be fed and watered . Stinky nudged at the cowgirl in order to get her attention at least for a minute . She giggled and stepped backwards to take Spartan to his stall and also to get him rest for some time . As soon as she finished , she started feeding one by one the horses in the barn , as she did almost all days . When she finished , Amy slowly walked to Stinky 's stall . She opened the door and tightened a rope around his dark neck . " Come on " She ordered him to follow her steps . While she headed out of the barn , - trying to get the new horse out - her green eyes met Harley 's , who was saddled up , standing still , waiting for someone to ride him . " Where 's your owner buddy " Amy scratched his forehead . " He left you here , huh ? " She smiled at his angelical face . Harley looked thoughtfully at her with his big brown eyes . She climbed up to his saddle , and went for a ride with both horses , such as she had done with Wonder and Spartan some days before . They trotted at first , but then Amy realized it wasn 't such a good idea since Stinky started running faster than them . This horse couldn 't control his adrenaline , he made flawless moves which shocked every human being who glanced at him . In less than two seconds , he stood up over his back legs and held his front legs upright in the air . " Easy , easy ! " Amy almost shouted . Pulling the rope , Amy pulled him back to the ground . " Wow " She exclaimed with her eyes opened as plates . " So , where are you going now ? " Ty questioned . He didn 't wanted to be rude with Lucy , but the words almost escaped from his mouth . They had been chatting for a while now , they were returning to the dude ranch , to leave Lucy in her cabin . " Well , I don 't know " She didn 't know while to reveal her secret or not . Lucy stood up in front of Ty , looking into his eyes . After talking with him , she seemed more confident than she did before . Lucy felt as if they had developed a bridge between each other ; at least she had someone to trust . It was difficult for her to trust people , she just did with very few . Too many situations and circumstances had led her not to trust in every person she met . " I have to go " She said out of the blew . " Ok " Ty said confused . " See ya , then " " Yeah , that would be great " " When ? " " Whenever you want " " If you need someone to talk , just look for me " He smiled . " Ok " " Thank you Ty " She added with a smile . Back in the barn , Amy was coming back from her trail ride with the two horses . Ty , who was also returning , saw Amy in Harley . " Now I see who stole my horse . " He walked to Amy . He extended his arms to help her come down of the horse . " I can do it alone " She said . " No , you don 't " Ty joked . " Ty , not now " She got down of Harley from the other side . She took the reins and pulled the two horses into the barn . " Amy , what 's wrong ? " He asked sweetly . " Nothing " She tried to avoid him . " Come one " He grabbed her strongly from the back . " Stop it " She escaped from his arms . " Amy " He warned . " Is just , that you could have helped me instead of going out for two hours to have fun with a stranger " She criticized . " Oh " He smiled . " I 'm serious , don 't laugh " She exclaimed . " Were you jealous ? " Amy didn 't answer . She decided to keep her mouth shut since she didn 't know what to say . Ty was definitely right . " Ty " She whispered . " Please " " You were jealous of her talking with me " He laughed . " It isn 't funny ! I wasn 't jealous ! " Amy denied angrily . " Yes you were " He laughed . " Now I feel so important " Ty admired . " Enough ! Stop it ! " She was annoyed . He stopped laughing and he spoke serious . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't want to make you feel that way " She hugged him , and then said " How could I be so childish ? " She whispered . " It 's ok " He kissed her cheek and stayed like that for some seconds . " Love you " He said softly . Chapter 29 - Good Things Come Alone . . . ? It was nine o ' clock in the Heartland ranch . The dark summer blue sky covered the front porch of the house . The family had decided to have dinner outside , they had decorated all with twinkling colorful lights . Lisa had just arrived from her trip to France , and was now sitting next to Jack with a green summer dress , resting her head in his shoulder . Jack smiled happily as he watched his family enjoying time together . Lou and Peter sat in the other corner , with baby Jessica resting peacefully in her father 's lab and also grabbing her mom 's hand . Next to them , was Mallory , talking nonstop , as always . Finally , Amy and Ty were together in between Peter and Lisa holding hands sweetly . Ty put his arm over Amy 's shoulders as he always did , and held her hand with his other hand . He was thinking about their future life which brought butterflies to his stomach . Ty 's head got closer to her forehead and kissed her softly . Their eyes met , and they both magically smiled at the same time . They wanted to kiss but it would be quite embarrassing because the other would be watching or maybe laughing . Amy opted to kiss him quickly so that anyone would notice . Unfortunately , they suddenly heard the voice of Mallory saying " So cute ! " When Amy realized that the whole family was watching , her cheeks flattered , and she smiled nervously . She decided to look at Ty , who was calm and serene , staring at her with a thoughtful look . Lou , Amy and Mallory brought the food to the table , and gave out the plates . Some minutes later , everyone enjoyed their dinner together . Mallory couldn 't stop thinking about Badger , who had called her a while ago saying that he was already on track to Heartland . She remembered all the advice that Amy had given to her some days ago about boys . She had been giving a lot of thought to that , and ended up choosing that she was going to stay with Badger , and make him a great homecoming . He would have the loft to himself now that Ty was staying in the house , and also many changes that Mallory had to inform him . In betweChapter 30 - Moment of Truth " Do you remember the day I saved Lucy , those guys I told you about that I guess were trying to kidnap her ? " Ty asked . " Yes sure " She waited for his word . " After they left , I found on their minivan an old gun that really caught my attention " " I kept it in my truck for some days " " So . . ? " She was afraid of what she might hear . " Well , today after lunch I took it to a police station , and they gave me some information about those men " " They had been in jail almost six years for terrorism , not necessarily for killing people simply with a gun shoot " Amy hesitated while she processed the information . Ty continued " Simultaneously , the police men discovered some facts about the weapon . They said it didn 't belong to them because the finger prints marked in the trigger of the gun didn 't match the ones of those criminals " He tailed . Ty also added " Also , they informed me that the grenade of the gun is really old and expensive , in fact , it is the same kind of gun that . . " He couldn 't continue unless he took a deep breath . " The same kind of gun that . . " She tried to make him continue . " Amy " He whispered . " It 's the same kind of gun that … " " Shot you a month ago " Amy 's heart froze . She couldn 't say a word . Her hands started shaking nervously . A pain from the inside made her head hurt as she remembered . " Ty " She whispered softly . For a moment , Ty retracted of what he had said . He put his hand in her cheek and automatically hugged her the strongest way he had ever done . " We have to tell them now " She stuttered as she pointed to her family " They will know what to do " Ty accepted , and took Amy outside by the hand . Jack , Lou , Peter , Mallory and Lisa were shocked by Amy and Ty 's news . For the first time in the night they felt a cold air in the environment . No one was strong enough to break that terrifying silence that made everything more dramatic . Mallory broke the ice when she said " So it must be pretty obvious who did it " The rest turned around to s " Lucy " Ty said . He wasn 't sure of what to do . Her eyes light up and her breath speeded up . Lucy 's arms fell next to her body , and her hands started shaking . She stepped backwards and slightly , her back leaned over the door . Lucy bit her lip and simultaneously asked " What are you doing here ? ' ' . Her question got lost in the cold air . " We just dropped by to visit " Ty pronounced the words sarcastically . He glanced at Peter for help . " We wanted to make sure that everything was in order " Peter 's words were even more unreal than Ty 's . " Ok , then , see you later ! " She tried to get read of the uncomfortable situation in front of her eyes . " You are not going anywhere " Ty warned as he stuck her back again to the door . He sounded furious and with the eager of fair revenge . " You don 't know in what you two are getting yourselves into . " She spoke with an evil voice . " We know enough " Peter added . " Enough is not all " She said as she kicked Ty in the stomach . With the impulse , Ty fell down and violently , his head bumped in the arm chair of one of the wooden chairs in the cabin 's front porch . There was a silence , and then Ty laid in the floor , with his head next to Lucy 's feet . Peter , stuck in the moment , stared at Lucy 's cold eyes , and waited for her next move . She stood still , waiting for him to do something . Ty carefully opened his eyes and looked at the situation over his eyes . He remembered how they had bonded less than a day ago . Lucy looked insecure and scared , but at this moment she looked as the most secure woman he had ever seen . Her smile in her face showed him that she was the most intelligent person of the three of them . Lucy jumped near Peter and punched his face . Peter grabbed tightly her arm and pushed her back , which made her lose balance of her body . Lucy tried to kick his stomach as she had done recently with Ty , but Peter moved to the left when she was about to knock him down . Suddenly , a white light covered their eyes , and made their sights blurry . " Arms up in a place where I promise to continue writing more fan fictions later . Anonymous4 : 08 : 00 AMYour a great writer i cant believe you havent written fanfiction before this cuz u do such an awsome jobReplyDeleteMichael7 : 15 : 00 PMI agree your a great writer . Keep up the good work I would like to see where this goes . ReplyDeleteAnonymous10 : 37 : 00 PMagreed would love to see where the story ends upReplyDeleteAnonymous5 : 54 : 00 PMplease post more , love this storyReplyDeleteAnonymous6 : 08 : 00 AMplz post chapter seven eight and nine as soon as possibleReplyDeleteMichael4 : 23 : 00 PMI think the suspence from this fan fiction is worse than for the season final . Its definitely going in a better direction . ReplyDeleteAnonymous5 : 57 : 00 AMyea i agree plz post chp . 11 12 13 14 15 etc . as soon as possibleReplyDeleteAnonymous6 : 20 : 00 PMplz post next few chapters soonReplyDeleteAnonymous5 : 09 : 00 AMi love this story ! hope you will post the next chapter soon ! ? ReplyDeleteAnonymous9 : 55 : 00 AMwow the new chapter appeared fast . . . i am so glad this story is written in an easy style because i am german and i would not understand it if it would be more difficult ( sorry for the bad english ; ) ) you are a great writer and i hope it would not be so long to the next chapterReplyDeleteAnonymous12 : 14 : 00 PMthis is awesome ! ! please upload the next chapter soon ! it is the best heartland fanfiction i ever read ! ReplyDeletelexi6 : 28 : 00 PMyea luv it pose chps 13 and 14 soon anneReplyDeleteanne7 : 18 : 00 PMchapter 13 and 14 are on the way . . ReplyDeletelexi3 : 57 : 00 AMyay thx hav been on edge waiting for the next chapter am excited they are on their wayReplyDeleteAnonymous6 : 33 : 00 AMvery nice ! ! i am curious about what happens next with amy . . . and whether she marries Ty . I can 't wait for the next chapter . . . ReplyDeleteAnonymous2 : 53 : 00 PMhellothats a great story ! ! I got to this page through the heartland episodes on youtube . and i like it ! whos the originator of this page ? Sorry for the bad english , but i 'm german too ! = ) hast du diese geschichte echt selbst erfunden ? Die ist echt super gelungen ! Gut dass sie in einfachem englisch geschrieben ist , sonnst hättGot something to say ? |
Have you ever seen a license plate that says something like BOBS WIF or JRS GIRL ? How about internet screen names along the lines of " So ' n ' So 's Honey / Wife / Girlfriend . . . . ? It always irritates the crap out of me when I see something like that . That a woman could be so wrapped up in her man , she 's lost her own identity . Even if it is a simple thing as a plate or a S . N . , she has still reduced herself to property . I mean , it 's great that you love someone so much , but did you lose yourself along the way ? It always reminds me of the Dom / Sub relationship . The only good that has come out of this is the weight I have lost . 40 lbs fell off me so fast , that my stomach has excess skin . Not much , but I notice it . There 's no need to argue anymore . I gave all I could , but it left me so sore . And the thing that makes me mad , Is the one thing that I had . . . I 'm angry . So much so that I could commit homicide . I 'm mostly angry with myself though . That I could turn into this person . The 24 year old me would kick my ass if she could see me today . I NEVER wanted to be a housewife or mother . There , I said that shit ! I stand at the kitchen sink and cry when no one is looking . I wash dishes and long to be bent over a body instead , tattoo machine in hand , creating and soothing someones pain . A few months ago , dear husband and I got into an argument , of no importance what - so - ever . Except that it was . He became so furious that he wouldn 't let me leave . I tried . I was just going to go to work , and since he was so upset , I decided to take the girls to the sitter . He wouldn 't let us leave . The screaming lead to spitting all over my face in his rage . His uncontrollable temper found me in my car , with my children freaking out in the back seat , as he held the door so I couldn 't close it . His fury to get the keys away from me , jerked me out towards the door and bashing my head on the frame of the car . His need to control everything ended up with the spare key broken in the ignition , and a slice on my finger . His blindness terrorized my oldest child , when he yanked the phone out of her hand and smashed it on the ground when she tried to call grandma . I am furious with myself . When the police showed up and asked me if he had hurt me I replied , " Well I hit my head on the door frame of the car when he yanked the keys out of my hand . But he didn 't do it on purpose . " For the record , I told him I wanted a divorce . I told him to get out of my house . He won 't leave , and neither will I . This is my children 's home . They go to school here , and have friends here . They should not suffer because he is a stubborn ass . I wrote over on Venus and Mars yesterday about the person I was and who I have become . It ended up being a pretty good topic for discussion . Head on over there to see what people are saying about . . . Once upon a time , in a land far away , just outside Detroit , I was a girl with a dream . I was a single mother with a 1 year old in tow . I knew I needed to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life and get started on it . I had always been immersed in the world of art , starting at a very young age . I was always drawing , and sometimes painting . I took many classes to fend off my feelings of insecurity , about the craft . But deep down I knew , no one can really make a career out of drawing . That was until I realized , I was in MI , and tattooing was legal there . I took the bull by the horns , walked into a studio and made fast friends with one of the old dogs of the tattoo world . I got an apprenticeship immediately . I never felt as " at home " as I did in the studio . It was a one man show , and the owner , Doc , ended up being the closest thing I had to a father . . . EVER ! I wanted it so badly , that I worked 10 hours a day , six days a week there . The apprenticeship did not pay , so in order to support my daughter , I worked the graveyard shift at a gas station . I went on this way for months , exhausting myself . I ended up in the hospital at one point , but it did not slow me down . I was on my way to being a rock star of the tattoo world , and nothing ever tasted so sweet . The Inner Demon And then one day , I had to come back to the East Coast on short notice . Not long after that I met my , would be , husband . In the time that we dated , I purchase my own tattoo equipment , almost $ 4000 worth . I was determined to continue on my journey , and worked on myself and my friends . I occasionally made the trip back to see Doc , where we would spend the day in the studio working on my skills . I was getting good , and I was building a client list . People who only wanted to be tattooed by me . During that time , tattooing became legal here . But by the time I was ready to go back into that world , I was pregnant and engaged . Irish and American Indian Heritage We 'll just skip right to the end of this story . Shortly after we were married , my husband informed me that he didn 't want me to get any more tattoos , because he didn 't want to be married to a ' biker bitch ' . Oh and it wouldn 't be good for our relationship , if I went to work in a studio . What he expressed was we were a young family , and I would be spending to much time away in the evenings . So I put my dream away . I put on my happy face , and calmed my inner wild child . I eventually took my tongue ring out , and tried harder to conform , to not rock the boat , to keep the peace . A fat lot of good it 's done me . It 's been 10 years since I walked into that studio . And everyone one around me is miserable , most of all me . I still dream , at night , about working in the studio . About getting the tattoos I worked out in my head all those years ago . Thinking about it now makes my heart feel like someone is squeezing it . About a month ago , after another screaming session with my husband , I sat and thought about my life . I spent a week seething with anger , waiting for him to say he was sorry , again . When I realized that this time , it was not coming , I started to think about what I want out of life . For the first time in a long time , I put everyone else on the back burner . I decided it was time to be a little selfish . With a little patience , I managed to work the barbell back into myDealing With The Lose of a Newborn I am not sure how this life would have turned out if giving up my dream had made a difference . If my husband was not always angry and hateful . It might have been worth our happiness then . But that 's not the way it turned out . So . . . I am choosing my happiness over him . When the girls go back to school in the Fall , I will begin the journey again . And I will find happiness in the person I used to be , whether he stands beside me or not . OK , so what do you think ? Head over to Venus / Mars to add to the discussion . The muscles in my jaw hurts , and my teeth ache , from the constant scowl . I can hear my own teeth grinding . I can feel the muscles clench and unclench . I found myself walking around yesterday , with my hands slightly out from my sides and all of my fingers fully extended . I am really trying hard not to clench my fists into tight balls , because I really want to punch someone , just to make myself feel better . My need for violence , to put into action what I feel inside , is nearly painful . Which only points out further that he has no idea of the person I was . That I still feel I could be . The fight not to destroy things leaves me trembling sometimes . Itty Bit noticed that I had twisted a strand of my own hair so much that it stayed that way , dangling next to my face . My husband then fingered the strand and said that it looked like a nervous wreck . He was so close to me and it made me so uncomfortable , that I could have punched him . Instead , I explained that the strand kept falling out of my clip , so I twisted it so that it would stay behind my ear . Of course it was a lie , but I don 't want him to think he has that much of an affect on me . He still hasn 't apologized . 6 days later and he is still holding his tongue . I realized a couple of days ago , that it 's OK . I mean really , how many times can you hear " I 'm sorry " and still believe it ? Couples fight . I get that . No 2 people are going to agree on everything all the time . But I wonder , is it common to say mean and hurtful things to the person your supposed to love ? Don 't misunderstand me , we don 't fight often . I am a peace keeper . But every now and then , he boils over . Is it my fault that he bottles it up until it spills out like lava ? Apparently , yes ! Last night he was in rare form . He picked and yelled and cursed at me , until I bit back . Somewhere deep down I think he enjoys being angry , irritated , and feeling sorry for himself . The short of it is : I am selfish , and lazy . A liar and a bitch . I always get my way . I don 't respect him , the kids don 't respect him . I act as though he is only here to earn a paycheck , so I can do whatever the fuck I want to do . It clicked for me at some point . That this is how he always feels . This garbage bubbles under the surface for him all the time . He ranted and raved and said things like " I 'm sorry , I can 't give you anything else . I can 't be the perfect husband . I 'm sorry you can 't change me into the person you want me to be , anymore than you already have . " And then the mutha fucker said " I 'm sorry I 'm not Edward . " I was literally at a lose for words . I just stood there starring at him , with what I 'm sure was an incredulous look on my face . Until he said something about , I had nothing to say now , huh ? I was seething . So angry I was shaking . The crushing weight of it , I thought I would pass out or vomit . So I said to him " Get it all out . Finish screaming at me , so I can bawl my eyes out and go to bed , and you can feel like shit in the morning . " Then he told me I do these things on purpose . Become irritated at him so I don 't have to give him sex . I looked at him and squinted my eyes . That was it for me . I let the mouth run off and said to him " Really ? You think this is better for me ? You think it wouldn 't be easier for me to drop to my knees right now and give you what you want , because this - " my hands motioned around the room and at him " this is going to go on for the next 2 fucking hours ! " I actually saw a vision of me going down on him and THEN gutting his ass with a boning knife . That 's when I knew . It didn 't matter what I said , he was still going to be wrapped up in his self pity , for his horrible fucking life . He ran through the same shitty things he does every time this happens . At one point focusing on the fact that I allow my oldest daughter more leeway than I give him . I said , " yes , I don 't expect as much from the 11 year old as I expect from the grown fucking man ! " I was informed that " this is not a democracy , this is a dictatorship , and he is going to be the dick . And that just because I sit calmly and don 't scream doesn 't mean I am any less disrespectful . I said " It 's like you are in the twilight zone over there . " When I spoke , I was interrupting him . When I didn 't speak , I was ignoring him . So I give up . When he asked " What have you ever asked me to do that I didn 't do ? " I started screaming . " This . This right here . You yelling at me , belittling me , saying hurtful things and insulting me , because you hold it all in until you burst . " At one point he ' went to sleep in the car ' . Which is his 2 year old way of saying , ' come after me . make me feel better . ' I didn 't . After about 20 minutes he came back ' for a pillow ' , and picked at me some more . The funny thing is : I was in a great mood yesterday . I couldn 't wait to roll around naked with my husband after the girls went to bed . And then he sat down at the table and opened his mouth . When DQ asked an open ended question , he actually said " Are you really that stupid ? " to her . And I ran cold . And I suspect I will be for a long time . How is a man able to scream and yell at his wife , until tears burn down her cheeks , and not be affected by it ? Instead turn those tears against her and say " it 's all about you . Don 't give a fuck what anyone else is feeling , just that your being hurt . " At one point I did think ' Your right . You will never be Edward . Because he is a fictional character . That 's why we all love him . Because he would never treat his wife like this . He would never say these things to the person he loves . ' And now I am left sitting here trying to find the strength to kick him out . Again . Because after all this time , and everything we have been through , I know it 's not going to change . I am trying to sift through what would be the best thing for the girls . But my head is swimming . I called into work today , because I can 't speak without choking on my words . I want to call his best friend and ask her opinion . But her son is in the hospital right now . I can not burden her further . I want to call my best friend and my mother , and cry on their shoulder . But I don 't think it will do any good . It certainly won 't resolve my problem . Mosquito season already ? My oldest , DQ , and I are highly allergic to these little bastards . Which means I bat violently at them , as if they were wasps . Because first is the itch , which is almost bearable . But then the swelling , heat and pain . Urg . . . School is almost out here . The girls keep reminding me , daily , of the countdown . 7 days left . I bet my countdown to when they are bored with summer will be even shorter . I give it 3 days before they are making me absolutely insane with " We 're Bored . " I hired a high school girl to come watch the girls 3 days a week . Just for part of the day . So I can still work at the fabric store . The more time I spend away from the house , the less I will have to hear " We 're Bored . " Did you watch the MMAs on Sunday ? The buzz all over the net was " Will Rob and Kristen be ' together ' ? " Really ? Who gives a shit ? Well , actually , apparently a lot of people do . I am not one of them . People , People . They are not the characters from the book . They are human beings just like you and me . For Christs sake , leave them alone . So my neighbor comes over , and we get to talking about this girl that DQ became instant best friends with . Which I think is great . Someone her own age , rather than the little kids she has been stuck with . And I actually like the girl , and she adores me , but mostly because she wants Twilight goodies . So we hop on my computer and look up the registry , and not 1 but 2 offenders live on the girls street . OK , so neighbor and I go take a ride to see where they are in relation to new girls house . Neighbor thinks that one of the addresses is actually New Girls house . So I drop her at home and come pick up DQ . I have DQ show me exactly which house it is that her friend lives at . Yep , it 's one of the addresses . SHIT ! So I ask DQ " Who all lives there ? " Thinking maybe there is a creepy uncle shacking over there . DQ says " New girl , Dad , Step mom , step sister and brother . " And I say " The brother is a kid right ? " " Yeah , he is a teenager . " I come home and look at the info online again . Humn . At this point I am hoping that it was the previous tenant , and that the registry just hasn 't been updated . I call DQ to come look at the photo , and ask her " Do you know this man ? " " Oh yeah " she says " That 's New Girls dad . " WHAT ? ? ? Now I am raging mad . This is not some , " I got caught pissing on a brick wall beside a bar one night " sex offense . This is indecent liberties with a child . And my babies have been hanging out over there . Hey , there ought to be some fucking law . If the neighborhood kids end up at your house , you should be REQUIRED to tell their parents you have been convicted of a felony against a child ! ! ! Well , I tried to hide my grief over this revelation . But I guess DQ is a perceptive kid . She asked this morning " Am I not allowed to go to New Girls house anymore ? " Of course my answer is no , but damn it . The girls are like BFF . And it 's not New Girls fault her dad is a creep ! I feel like a fucking idiot for not checking sooner . But really , do I have to investigate every neighbor ? In my defense , DQ has only been over there a couple of times , and Itty Bit only once . And unfortunately , they will NOT be going back . I feel bad for the girls , but I have to be a good parent . I told DQ that New Girl is always welcome here . And somehow she understood , but was still disappointed . Remember the other day , I mentioned getting a bunch of cool new fabrics , and I couldn 't wait to play with them ? No , of course you don 't , because my readership has hit the floor as of late . Wonder if that has anything to do with my not posting for months . . . But I digress . And this awesome print . . . You 'll never guess what it made me think of ? It even has Queen chess pieces . I wanted the whole bolt , but at 10 bucks a yard , I settled for 2 yards . Don 't tell Sexy papa . June 5th : The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner will be released . Stephanie Meyer will be posting the book to read for free on her website . It will also be released in print on the same day . $ 1 of every book sold will go to the American Red Cross . You can get more info here . Bree Tanner News . I will be attending a release party for this . . . I know your all thinking ' of course she will ' Yeah well , what can I say ! I will be taking along some freebies for my fellow Twilight Junkies ! June 22nd : The next installment of the numbers novels from writer Janet Evanovich will be released . I know you find it hard to believe that I could be obsessed with anything other than the Twilight series . Actually , I will have you know , Janet Evanovich was my first book obsession . My husband knows that it is his duty to secure a copy and keep the kids out of my hair the day it is released ! You can read the beginning of it here . Sizzling Sixteen . June 30th : Do I even have to say it ? Probably not . But I will say , I have had my tickets since the day they went on pre - sale ! Another nod to the Sexy Papa ! Yes , I will be at the midnight opening on a Wed night ! I may have some freebies for this one too . We 'll have to see how it goes . . . . I 've been busy . No , literally . I have been up to my elbows in things that need to be done . . . And things that make me happy . There is news about my nephew , Little Brian . I 'll get into that another day . . . when it 's sunny out and I am less likely to fall into a depression over it . Last time I had to deal with any of it , I spent the rest of the day in bed , all but moaning . I got a silver Volvo . Not a new shiny one like a certain Cullen . More like a ' 99 , 4 door , been scraped in 3 of 4 corners , speedometer doesn 't work , kinda Volvo . But the price was right , and it meant I could work during the day while the kids were at school . No sooner than I started working weekdays , did the thing develop a transmission problem and end up in the shop for 2 weeks . Urg . I have taken a break from reading Twilight books . I am still clearly obsessed . But I can 't get anything done with a book in my face . So what did I do ? I started making Twilight inspired things . Sad I know . . . Which lead to other , non Twilight related , jewelry . But I haven 't had time to photograph those . Did I mention I 've been busy ? I have sold a couple of my Twilight items . Yay me ! And I will be participating in the 30 Days of Eclipse extravaganza . I will also be sending her a bag to review . So if your wondering about the quality , and why they cost so much , you can get your answers over there . I just finished a twin size rag quilt . I really thought I was done with those . I donated all of my finished baby quilts to the children 's hospital . This one was a bear . But it 's done . . . so now I get to play with all the fabric I found at this little place called Fabric Hut . I know , I work for Joann 's but Fabric Hut has stuff we don 't carry . Like Micheal Miller . Wait until you see all these great prints I found . OK I must to go to the grocery store before I have to be at work . So I will catch up with you guys later . Have a great day ! My Mom volunteers at the Marine Science museum . Why is that cool ? Because every now and then , she takes the girls in " behind the scenes " to hang out with the seals . While the rest of the visitors have to look at them in the big tank , on the other side of the glass . . . The girls go into the holding area . Today they visited with Hector . He is a sweet and lovable guy . . . Could we be seeing evolution before our very eyes ? Can you just imagine , cats walking around on 2 legs ? Why can 't my cat be this cool ? I love my husband every minute of every day . Even when he is getting on my nerves . But some days , I feel overwhelmed by it . Some days I feel so lucky . Some days I feel like I don 't deserve him . What was it that I texted him the other day . . . " All that I 'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I 'm laughing with you " He was a little confused , but I explained it to him . A line from a song that was playing on the radio that made me think of him . Sometimes I don 't think he understands that the best gifts he gives me don 't cost a penny . You see I am an artist . Which , by definition , means I am a little crazy . Probably , in my case , it means I am a lot crazy . But he is very patient with me . When I get in a compulsive mood , I simply must do whatever it is that has demanded my attention . I can 't think about anything else . And when other , absolute , needs arise , such as a daily chore , I have a crushing suffocating feeling , until I can get back to my current compulsion . I paint , though not often anymore . I drawI tattoo , again , not as much as I used to . I sewI must always be creating something with my hands . Usually it 's not a devouring thing . Most times I break away easily to move on to other things throughout the day . But I ALWAYS have something going . My compulsions are not limited to creating . For example , reading . If I pick up a book , and it 's even mildly interesting , I must finish it . It 's as if my life depends on it . And if the book happens to be part of a series , the world may very well be shut out for weeks . At least once a year , my husband becomes a single parent while I read Janet Evanovich . It never takes more than 2 days of reading to come out of the tunnel . But while I am there , He takes on the world . Creates a shield around me so that I am not disturbed . Then there are the days , when I feel like doing absolutely nothing . He has come home to find me laying in our bed , watching TV . . . the house in a totally chaotic state . And I am honest with him . . . I tell him " I just didn 't feel like doing anything today . " To which he Posted by It 's random Tuesday again . And lemme tell ya , I got some shit on my mind . . . Wanna play too ? Go hit up Keely The Un Mom . She is the wonderful host of this chaos . Why oh why don 't Etsy buyers leave feedback ? Well most of them don 't . Other sellers leave feedback , because they know how important it is . But I have noticed buyers that don 't have their own shop , usually don 't leave it . Other sellers have the same problem . We never had this problem with eBay . My kids are making me crazy . I think I am more upset about always having to fuss at them , rather than what I am fussing about . They have been without TV and Video games for more than a month . And still they can 't pick up their crap . It 's not complicated stuff either . . . I only ask that they don 't leave my house looking like a war zone , by keeping up with what belongs to them . I am tired of not being able to open my front door because there are 8 pairs of little girls shoes sitting there . Why is that so hard to do ? The new " Key Holder " at work pissed me off this weekend . She has been working at Joann 's a lot longer than me . Keep in mind that I only work 10 - 15 hours a week . So the Sunday morning that we worked together , she was late getting to the store . . . . and was a half hour late opening the store . . . . If I had realized what time it was I would have told her . When she was questioned by the regional manager , she blamed the late opening on me . Why ? ? ? " Well I have never worked on Sunday before . Missy works weekends , she should have known what time the store opens . " She totally threw me under the bus . All while I wasn 't there to defend myself . Our store manager , Barb , ( Who loves me ) was there and stuck up for me , but still . . . Barb started to tell me about it , but then bit her lip . She didn 't want to finish , because she knew I would be mad . I managed to pry it out of her , and she was right , I was mad . I 'm sorry , it 's not my job to open the store . She gets paid to be on top of these things , not me . HELLO there is a sign on the fucking front doors ! You pass that sign every time youPosted by Kat over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow does this Dear So and So thing . I see it as very therapeutic . So this week I am going to join in . Dear Bus DriverIf you do not stop blowing that whistle at the kids on the bus , you may find yourself choking on it , as a result of me shoving it down your throat . You scare my Itty Bit , whom you force to sit behind you . And she doesn 't misbehave on the bus . Itty Bit 's Protective Mommy - MissyDear Family Friend , Please , please , please , get that car registered . I am , quite frankly , tired of Sexy Papa driving you to work everyday . I haven 't been able to use our car in 3 months because of your lack of transportation . But you have a car now , register the damn thing already . Love you like a brother , MissyDear Twilight Teen Freaks , While this evening should all be in good fun , waiting for our copies of New Moon . . . Please remember to respect your elders - that would be me - and let me have my copy first . I will have to get up early and deal with my children . I will need to get home in a timely manner and umm . . . go to bed , yeah , that 's it , go to bed . The FiendMissyDear Mom , Please stop showing up at my house unannounced . It really bugs the piss out of me when you do that . And when you wake me up from a nap , don 't be frightened by the angry bear who resembles your daughter . You asked for it ! Your loving daughterMissyOK that 's gonna do it for me today . If you wanna play , head over to Kat 's . I was in no hurry to see the movie . I didn 't hear all wonderful things about it . But me being me , you know I would have to see a vampire movie . Like I said , I was in no hurry . So I waited until it came " On Demand " and watched it then . I had never even heard of the Twilight series before the movie buzz . I was anticipating the newest installment in movie form , but not hanging on the edge of my seat . When the advertisement for the DVD release started running on TV , I decided to check the library to see if they had the second book . Just curious you know . Well , they did , so I borrowed it . I read it from cover to cover in about 8 hours . It was that good . I love to read and it was an easy book to read . Hummm . I was interested more now that I had read the book . Well the second book anyway . So when I returned it , I got the next book in the series , Eclipse . Again , I made short work of it . When I went to return it , They did not , to my grave disappointment , have the final book . So I drove my happy ass to the store and bought it . I think that I will donate it to the library . Now that I have finished it in record time . I am going through withdraw . Like a junkie that can 't get a hold of any . My only relief will be on Sat . when they release the DVD . What the hell am I going to do with myself until then ? I guess I could just sit here , looking at the poster , drumming my fingers . Have I ever told you about Venus vs . Mars . . . The blog ? I think I have mentioned that I write over there sometimes . But I don 't suppose I have ever told you about the blog itself . The actuall name is In The Real World Venus vs . Mars or RWVM for short . And it is a little golden gem of a blog in a sea of relatively simple blogs . What I mean is , most blogs are a one person show . Where the author writes about what they want to say . Which is good . I frequent personal blogs and craft blogs . But RWVM is something entirely different . RWVM is a collaboration of grown ups , 12 women and 7 men , writing about the many aspects of relationships . Our little group is led by Shelle . She is very good at organizing us , and keeping the topic list full . Everyone is allowed to say their piece . In fact , it 's sort of the point to get the 2 different views between men and women . Each week they have topics that are written about from the view of both different sexes . Then there is the He Said She Said segment , for a serious debate . It 's very light hearted , not at all stressful . But the topics are very real and apply to most , if not all , of the relationships out there . Anything you might imagine would affect a long term relationship is talked about over there . And if it 's not . . . . Well you could always email Shelle , and she would be willing to bring it up for the group . Every week there is a segment called group therapy , where she puts forth a question or scenario posed by a reader and we all give our take . I find the blog very useful . I can bounce idea 's off other grown - ups . And it is very helpful when trying to gain insight into the males prospective . I am often baffled by the things guys do . I find many of my answers over there . So if you haven 't done so already . . . go check it out . The Real World Venus vs . Mars I know , I know . . . It 's been a while . Still , I think the most of us , women especially , will enjoy this one . For more random - ish fun , visit The Un - Mom . I had a really crappy weekend . Well not so much crappy , as full . So full that I didn 't have time to think about all the things that were going on . BUT . . . when I got off of work on Sunday night , I came home to a surprise that made the weekend wonderful . See this bag ? It made the front page of Etsy . I know that doesn 't sound like such a big deal to some . But I compare it , an item your auctioning , making the front page of eBay . And because of it . . I had sales . Yippee . That made my day . Itty Bit is so funny . Especially when she not trying to be . Sexy Papa decided to catch her on camera , doing this . . . And . . as you can see , the hilarity continued . Well at least I thought it was funny . I will leave you with some funnies I got in my inbox today : Mans view of women . . . I know I 'm not going to understand women . I 'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax , pour it onto your upper thigh , rip the hair out by the root , and still be afraid of a spider . CREATION A man said to his wife one day , ' I don 't know how you can beso stupid and so beautiful all at the same time . ' The wife responded , ' Allow me to explain . God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me ; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you ! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about whoshould brew the coffee each morning . The wife said , ' You should do it because you get up first , and then we don 't have to wait as long to get our coffee . The husband said , ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it , because that is your job , and I can just wait for my coffee . ' Wife replies , ' No , you should do it , and besides , it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee . ' Husband replies , ' I can 't believe that , show me . ' So she fetched the Bible , and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages , that it indeed says ' HEBREWS ' That 's all for today folks . Have a good oneMissy The cool air lingers less and less . The tulips are starting to peak out , as if checking to make sure the snow is gone . The green is coming . And the sunshine . It was 70 degrees here yesterday . The windows were wide open . Even if there wasn 't much of a breeze , they were still open . . . all . day . long ! Finally . It 's been a rough winter . Not only here , but everywhere . We had more snow this year than in the last 10 years combined . Did I ever mention how much I hate snow ? I need the spring . I need the sunshine , and longer days . Winter is miserable . I am one of those people . . . the light makes me happy . I don 't know how it works , I just know it does . I was inspired yesterday . I have been locked in the studio for weeks . Trying to make myself feel better . Trying to relieve my troubled heart with creation . Yesterday , I made my way out to the living room to sit next to the open window . And I felt better . I have a whole pile of stuff to photograph and list . Which I don 't much care for . I would rather just create . But alas , I have to get rid of some of this stuff , and replace some of the money in the " fabric fund " . I 'll let ya know how it goes . Time to wake the babies . I have so much to do today , and I would rather just sew . I have been in a compulsive sewing mood . It really is the thing that makes me happy . I have been making some laptop sleeves and cute new bags . I really like these , because they only take about a 1 / 2 yard of each fabric . That means I can use all the cute fabrics I have at my store . I have a whole stack of super fun fabrics to play with . Cupcakes and sweet treats . Some Alexander Henry " apples and pears " . Polka dots and swirls . I would love nothing more than to just sit in the studio all day and work . But alas , the girls ' birthday party is tomorrow . So I must bake a cake . Do some laundry . Mop the kitchen and other general clean up stuff . I also have to go to the store and get the last minute party stuff . But I really don 't want to . In other news , The Constant Chill gave me an award yesterday . I love reading her , she is so funny . But I am too lazy to follow the rules , so I am going to hold off for now . But I do thank her . I love being awarded for my . . . for my . . . what the hell is it that I have or am ? Well whatever it is , it 's nice that people recognize it as something worth awarding . If that makes any sense ? Let me begin by saying : I am in no way being compensated for this blog post , or any other up to this point . Rather I just wanted to tell you about a good company . Often blogs can be used as a marketing tool , for good and bad . Lets face it , when a company does something wrong , you can find it in blogland . But how often do you read about a good thing , when the blogger is not being paid . So . . . . When hubby and I were first married , my Mom bought us a nice Revere Ware pan . 12 " non - stick skillet with a lid . I love this pan , because it 's so huge . I was so very bummed when my dip - shit SIL scratched it , while washing dishes in a drug induced stupor . But I still loved it . A couple of weeks ago , the handle to the lid came off . I always thought Revere Ware was a good name in pans . I tried to put it back on , but the threads were stripped . I took a couple of days to mull it over . Wondering what I could do to reattach the handle . Then I thought , " Well I am a mouthy broad . I 'll just email Revere Ware , and see what they say . " So I did . I was nice about it through . I explained that it was my favorite pan , but that the lid was broken . And then I asked them what I should do about it . 3 days later I got a reply : We are sorry about this . Under the circumstances , we are sending a replacement . Please discontinue using the lid and throw it away once the replacement arrives . A couple of days after that , Fed - X knocked on my door and delivered a new pan lid . AWESOME ! Now this is not the first time I have contacted a company about a faulty product . I often get a refund or replacement . I am all about taking a product back to the store if it doesn 't do what it promises . But I think it 's easy to forget that companies want to please their customers . We paid good money for said product , we should get what we paid for . When something goes wrong , there is no harm in asking the company to make it right . As for me , Thanks Revere Ware , I promise to keep loving your pan ! I know , I know , we all say it . . . But it 's true . . . Seems like I just brought this thingy dingy home from the hospital . . . Seems like only last week that I was so frustrated with the sleepless nights and the endless messes . Cleaning high chairs and bottles and butts . . . I would swear she was just learning to walk . And she was just up to my knee . It 's hard to imagine that years ago she celebrated a different birthday with the seals at Grandma 's Aquarium . And now look at Itty Bit . . . . 6 Years old . How the heck did that happen ? ? ? Every year , I feel the same . . . like I turned around and they grew up . Though this time I fear the only thing that grew was her hair . This morning she informed me , as we walked to the bus stop , " Mom , 6 year olds don 't hold their mother 's hand . " I 'm sorry to inform you , Itty Bit , but you will always be my baby , and I will always hold your hand . Could you do Mommy a favor , and slow down a little ? Happy Birthday Itty Bit . I wrote a post over on Real World Venus vs . Mars , with Tysdaddy , yesterday . In it I mentioned that my kids are not allowed to watch certain TV programs , Sponge Bob being one of them . Everyone seemed to be curious as to why . I can imagine , the world being as obsessed with Sponge Bob as they are , that this puzzles some people . There are actually a lot of characters I don 't allow in my house . Bratz , Hello Kitty , Yo Gabba Gabba . . . Sponge Bob got added to the list a few years ago . Hubby was sitting watching TV with DQ one sunny afternoon . Sponge Bob was on . No problem right ? Well the show had a disturbing twist . See Sponge Bob and some other character thought they had accidentally killed someone . They dealt with this by trying to bury the character . That was the topic of the show . Trying to bury the " dead " guy . Turns out he wasn 't really dead . I guess in the writers mind , that made it all right . My husband , on the other hand , did not find it even remotely entertaining . My husband saw all the corrupt morals of the show not to mention the crime of conspiring to cover up a death . Needless to say he was livid , and THAT was the end of Sponge Bob . I had to agree with him . I never liked the show to begin with . I never saw any good morals or education in it . So I had no hard feelings when it was cut out of our list of acceptable TV . As for the other shows . . . I refuse to pay into any character who encourages kids to act . . . well . . . Bratty . I get enough of that , I don 't need any help . Hello Kitty brings about images of nearly grown women at raves carrying Hello kitty clutches and what not . And Yo Gabba Gabba . . . . Come on ? Could there be a more irritating show on television ? It makes me cringe . I can 't justify having this fruit loop piped into my living room . . . ! Yesterday was my birthday . . . Thanks to everyone for the well wishes . I was kind of bummed out , because everyone was gone . My mom brought me banana bread , which I ate for lunch . She didn 't stay long though . Which was OK , because I have been working in the studio lately , and I can 't do that if I have company . But she gave me birthday money , which I will promptly use at Joann 's ! So I spent most of yesterday with my ear buds in , sewing up a storm . I developed a couple of new patterns . A kindle sleeve , an Iphone / Ipod holder , a stick MP3 player case , and a tea - to - go pouch . Expect to see these and the patterns for them in my etsy shop soon . I didn 't do dishes , or vacuum , or laundry . I played , which was nice . Then we went to the store . I looked for printable fabric sheets while Sexy Papa , and the girls wandered elsewhere . When we met back up , DQ informed me that Sexy Papa was going to get me a camera for my birthday . I had asked for a new toaster , because ours is old , and I can 't get it clean anymore . But she heard me tell my Mom how I really needed a new camera for the business . And that I would give DQ the old one if I got a new one . Well , DQ told Papa about this wish . They went off and looked for cameras . Then he decided that I should pick the one I want , as he knows nothing about cameras . So this is what I picked . But of course , when we went to get it from the case , they were out . My second choice was out of stock too . So I will wait for this one . Cuz it 's awesome ! ! ! And not even that expensive . Now I can 't wait . So happy birthday to me , this is much better than cake ! I . . . am not a complicated woman . I don 't ask for much in life . But in order to maintain my sanity , I need a little peace and quiet , at least once in a while . Itty Bit was sick last week . As in , she was sick Mon , Tues , Wed and Thursday . So she was home with me . Kirsten and Brian left on Tuesday . So Wed wasn 't so bad . Just me and Itty Bit . Thursday , the kids had a half day . Which meant I had my 2 plus the extra 2 I watch when they have no school . Friday and Monday were scheduled teacher work days , so they would have no school . I was going crazy enough , just thinking about a house full of kids on those days . . . But it started snowing early Sat . morning . And it kept snowing all day . Which was OK , because it was the weekend . And they were off Monday so no big deal . Sexy Papa couldn 't make it to work on Monday , but he did try . Monday evening , the school system called with the automated " There will be no school tomorrow " message . OK , so they are out on Tuesday too . I understand , the roads were still sheets of ice . It warmed up slightly , and started raining Tuesday afternoon . That was good , because it would melt the rest of what was on the ground , and things would get back to normal on Wed . I had hope , until the School called again to say there would be no school on Wed either . This , I just could not understand . By Tuesday evening , I was loosing my patience . Stuck in the house with bickering kids , 12 hours a day . Yesterday was absolutely no fun . I felt horrible all day . I had a migraine and no Motrin . And . . I had 4 kids , who were wound to the core , bored and fighting . The novelty of " Snow Days " had long worn off . I spent the day trying to keep them from beating the crap out of each other . Someone said something like " I hope we don 't have to go to school tomorrow " To which I answered , " If you guys don 't go to school tomorrow , I may be forced to jump off of a bridge . " Around dinner time , the phone rang . It was the School System , again . The kids have been out of school for so long , that they called to tell us to send our kids toPosted by The news has been predicting snow all week . Starting early in the week with " We may get snow this weekend " . Each day the predictions grew bigger and bigger . Until yesterday , when they were warning us all of 6 - 12 inches . Now to most of you , this doesn 't seem like such a big deal . It doesn 't even seem like a big deal to me . As I am used to 2 FEET of snow , having lived in Detroit and all . But here in S . E . Virginia , it 's another story . Sexy Papa , and my neighbor both reported , yesterday evening , that the grocery stores were a nightmare . Everyone has decided that the end of the world is coming , and we must all hoard food , or beer , whichever . I woke up a little after 5am to hear the " Special New Coverage " of this snow event . They have called in all their reporters , and the top meteorologist to report on the white stuff . The reporters on the street are making snowballs , and promise to keep working on them throughout the morning . Every time we even get a dusting , I have to laugh . People here are fascinated by it . It can be scary , because most people here don 't know how to drive in it . But some of them will give it the old college try , usually failing horribly . I personally hate the stuff . Why do you think I moved away from MI ? I hate snow . But I especially hate it when it snows HERE ! Because everything will be closed all weekend . I will be trapped in the house , there will be no escape . And I won 't get to work . Most people wouldn 't mind an extra day off work . But I personally don 't think snow is worth staying home for . At least in MI , snow didn 't affect my pay check . On the other hand , Sexy Papa and the girls will be in heaven . We haven 't had snow like this in at least 6 years . Itty Bit has never seen snow like this , and DQ can 't wait to " Wake up to see if it snows " . I have a prediction of my own : They will play in it for all of 10 minutes , and then come in because they are cold . Strip all their clothing off to get dry , and demand hot chocolate . They will repeat this every 2 hours for the entire weekend . Which means , I will bePosted by Dear Sexy Papa , You are spending way to much money . I know you are miserable , and spending this money makes you feel better . I get that , I really do . But when I tell you I have to go to the grocery store for cereal , then you ask why the kids can 't eat oatmeal , because we don 't have any cash . . . . that 's a problem . Your anger and refusal to answer when I asked " how much you spent this week " tells me that it was A LOT ! If you spent so much money , that even you think it 's too much to tell me about , than I am certain I would flip out if I knew . That you would say to me " I didn 't realize I needed keep receipts and account for every penny " speaks volumes . Husband of mine , I love you . But if you don 't get it under control , I may be forced to smack you with a frying pan . Dear Kirsten , I don 't think I have ever hated someone so much in all my life . But then I have never met anyone as awful as you . I still can 't wrap my head around , how someone can be so cruel . You are a disgrace to the title " Mother " . Did you really think we were going to let you sit on our couch and be high ? I swear my husband told you that I was going to be a police officer , until I destroyed my knee . You might have guessed that I was a law abiding citizen based on that alone . We have figured out why your so desperate to hold on to your son . No one will give you a place to live , if you aren 't dragging a child behind you . I guess your not as dumb as you look . We know all your secrets . You are a junkie . And that you would sleep with someone to get their drugs , makes you a junkie whore . And by the way , I told The Asshole , over the phone , all about your night out while you were here . The only reason you still have those 2 teeth left in your mouth is because I have babies to consider . Their mommy doesn 't need to go to jail . If it wasn 't for them I would have gladly done an overnight in the cell , just to beat you into the ground . Your Mom said she would post my bail . When was the last time you hugged your son and told him that you love him ? I did it everyday while he was here . And guess what ? He knows that he is loved here . He didn 't want to go with you . He told his uncle that he didn 't want to leave . I know about all the illegal things you guys have done . I know you have been getting tax refunds for the last 2 years , even though neither one of you has worked . I know the name of the lady who did them for you , and I am turning everyone in ! There is already a case opened regarding the Social Security medical benefit cards you stole . Those 2 things alone are felony offenses on a federal level . You , my dear , had better watch your back . Because I am coming for ya . And if I have my way , you and your Asshole will be in jail , and I will be taking that boy from you . OK , well I must run . Time to call Assholes Doctors to let them know hePosted by Kirsten has decided to go back to philadelphia . We wouldn 't let her be high in our home . We kept taking her drugs away . Asshole just got his new supply of narcotics . So she took Brian and went back . We begged her to leave Brian , but she would not . I did call child protective services and open a case . They said they will work with philly to figure out what is best for Brian . Asshole 's mother and brother both called today . They are trying to have Kirsten and The Asshole arrested . They wanted to know if we could take physical custody of Brian and then file for permanent custody of him when he gets back . Hubby and I said we will do whatever we can to get him from his parents . We said we will drop everything and drive up to get him , whenever they are ready . Hubby is going to file assault charges on Kirsten and then get a protective order . Then we are going to see if we can start the custody case now , since Brian is still enrolled in a VA school . We don 't know what 's going to happen , the best we can do is try . We are hopeful that we can get him back . I just wanted to let everyone know . Thanks to everyone for their well wishes and prayers for my family . I can feel the support from my blog readers , and it is greatly appreciated . As it turns out , all the bitching and moaning I have been doing here , on the blog , is going to be very helpful to me when it comes time to get custody of the boy . Now , without much effort , I have a record of events that have happened so I can show the judge . So you 'll have to excuse me while I document what happened over the weekend . . . Thursday my hubby didn 't have to work . So he put the bunk bed together for them . While in the middle of that Kirsten stuck her hand in his face , to show him a set of rings , " Look what I got ! " He went off again . A little back story about the rings : These rings have been in hubby 's family for a long time . Hubby still wears the mans ring . They were the set we got married with . While Hubby and I were separated , I didn 't know if we would be getting back together . Since they belonged to his family , I gave them back to MIL , out of respect . I asked that she hold them , until our situation was resolved . Hubby and I had a falling out with MIL , a couple of years ago , and until all this crap happened hadn 't done much to resolve it . Which is why she still had the rings . Kirsten asked me about the rings one day . I told her what had happened , and that I was bummed not to have them . That her mother still had them , and I had not gotten around to getting them back . She also talked to Hubby about the rings . He expressed the same dismay at not having them . MIL gave her a couple of rings the day she got out of rehab , including my wedding rings . She was trying to push his buttons and it worked . He flipped . She was saying " Mom said they were mine and gave them to me . " I got him calmed down again , and told him " Your mom probably has a different story . Lets call her . " So I did . And MIL said " She told me that you said I had them and she would have to get them from me . I thought you wanted her to have them . " I explained to MIL what had actually happened . Then MIL was mad , because she had been conned . MIL came over and had her say . Told her exactly what was on her mind . And it wasn 't good . Kirsten made a big stinkPosted by We have decided . . . That she is not welcome . Problem is , The Boy deserves someone to fight for him . Someone to do whats in his best interest . Riddle me this : You have been away from your child for 6 full days . What is the first thing you do when you get out ? Decide he can wait a couple more hours , even after you told him what time you would be home ? Go shopping with your Mom ? Well , I guess that makes sense if your a selfish drug addict . At this point I am writing about it to make myself feel better , to get it off my chest . I don 't need anyone to tell me to get rid of her . We are doing just that . Maybe it 's just a record of events . Whatever the case , I just have to get it out . She got here , 5 hours after she was released . And the only thing she had to say about her stay there : " Has anyone called for me ? " and I said " no " Then she says , " Oh , cuz I met someone in there . I really like him . " Seriously , what the fuck ? Before I begin , let me preface this by saying : I talked to the nurse on her unit . Patients are encouraged to do Family Therapy . When I inquired about it , they said she refused . I asked why ? The nurse said she didn 't know , but Kirsten told her she would call me to talk about it . To which I said " I can guess why . She has no intentions of getting off drugs . Then the nurse said " That would be a very good guess . " Now I know they can 't tell me about what is going on with Kirsten . She is an adult . But the way I heard what the nurse said , and her tone , I understood that they feel like Kirsten is not ready to recover . Then I talked to her case worker . He indicated that they are ready to call it a lose . They paid for her stay in rehab . But she wanted narcotic drugs and they would not pay for those . We were both in agreement , that Kirsten has no intention of stopping , and that she went to the hospital to shut us up . We were also both in agreement , that she wanted her own legal script for narcotics . And she is pissed because she didn 't get them . She wasn 't here 2 hours , before it became clear to us , she has no intentions of fPosted by |
First of all , thank you for following our little blog . You must be a good friend or family . I 'm going to stop recording my daily activities unless something happens of note until we go on the road . We woke this morning to the sounds of high winds . We had very high winds all day long at the park . We are out in the boonies , with nothing around us to block the wind . It 's amazing how loud a trailer is when the heater and air conditioner is turned off . There are creaks and pops that sound like someone is coming in . Of course , the little flap for the vent hood in the kitchen makes a lot of noise , but I went out and clipped it shut . The floor creak is getting worse . It 's right in front of the stairs in the kitchen , so its impossible to miss when you come into the kitchen from either outside or from the bedroom . This will soon become Camping World 's problem when we trade this one in on an ' 09 Bighorn 3370 in a week or so . I called Melissa this morning to find out when they are coming out here to visit . She said that when Jennifer and Jay get off work , they will go by their house and get all of Ian 's stuff to come over . I just piddled around the trailer today . I tightened the legs of the front porch , but its hard to do on gravel . The stones constantly move around , so it makes the feet uneven and the porch shaky . Hopefully we won 't be parked on many gravel sites . Stella and I ate leftover soup for lunch that she made a couple of days ago . It was more tasty today than when she originally made it , but that 's the way it is with soups . After finishing the soup we decided to cut Cassie 's hair for the first time . The first time for us anyway . . . . Cassie didn 't like it very much , but it went pretty well . Stella brushed out many of the tangles in her hair , then gave her a bath in the shower . After they both took a break , we started trimming her . I held her still on the dining table while Stella cut her hair . Stella is the only experienced hair cutter in the family , since she 's been cutting my hair for years . It has saved us a lot of monePosted by Christmas Day has arrived ! I woke up early this morning to check if Santa had come , but he must not have been able to find us because there was nothing to be found here . It COULDN ' T be that I 've been a bad boy ! Melissa texted me to come pick her up around 10 this morning . Since we made the trip the other night , we knew the way and got there in no time at all . We went in and had a cup of coffee in her apartment before leaving to go to Kay 's , my ex - wife and Jennifer and Melissa 's mother . We used the Garmin to navigate to her house which amazed Melissa . She had never been down the street that we were directed to . When we got there , Kay was fixing our breakfast , so I went into the living room and hung our with Melissa until Jennifer , Jay and the guest of honor , Ian , got there . Kathryn , Jenifer and Melissa 's step - sister arrived and hung out with us . We started to eat breakfast before they got there ; I guess Ian had been checking out all the loot that Santa brought him . After they got there and ate their breakfast , we had a gift exchange . Kathryn was kind enough to frame a picture of Jennifer and Ian for us . Of course , the floor was completely covered with wrapping paper , and Ian got even more loot ! We had a nice visit , but we all started to get drowsy and in need of a nap , so we gathered up all Melissa 's stuff and loaded it into the truck . Jay came out to check my air horn , which I 'm sure the neighbors were happy to hear sounding off . They were probably glad to see us finally leave . We dropped Melissa off at her place and came back to the trailer for the night . Our first Christmas in the trailer is past , and was very nice . We had a very good time with the family . Well it ; s Christmas Eve , the day lots of kids look forward to all year . It was chilly here , with temperatures around 45 degrees . When we get started traveling , maybe I 'll be able to figure out how to attach that WeatherReport . com site here so everyone will be able to see the temperatures where we are . We got up this morning and just stayed inside where its warm . We drank our coffee and ate some pigs in a blanket this morning for breakfast . We decided not to go to the big family Christmas celebration this evening . I called Melissa and told her that we wouldn 't be by to pick her up , and that she had to make her own travel arrangements . We just stayed in the trailer all day , and went for a ride around the area in the afternoon . We stopped and got diesel at a Valero where we found fuel for $ 2 . 19 per gallon , the cheapest we have seen . We came back home and stayed inside all evening watching the tube and relaxing . Thats all for now . I woke this morning for my usual coffee with the guys . It 's a good time to get together with friends and fix all that is wrong with the world . The new President should send someone to sit in on our coffee meetings so he will know how to run the country . I went back to the trailer and started putting things away for the trip to Terrell . We got away about 11 o ' clock or about an hour later that I wanted to leave . It was a nice trip , but the weather was bad , again ! It was cool and rainy but soon warmed up but stayed cloudy all the way north . We stopped at the rest area in Huntsville for a potty break for all of us including Cassie . It 's good to stop and stretch our legs . We stopped again for lunch and fuel in Fairfield . Any time we go through Fairfield , we try to stop at Sam 's Barbecue restaurant . We got fuel at the Chevron next to Sam 's and paid $ 2 . 21 a gallon including an . 08 per gallon discount for showing our receipt for the restaurant . At least fuel prices are down . I had filled up over the weekend in Alvin when we went home , for $ 1 . 97 a gallon , the cheapest we have seen in a long time ! We pulled into the Bluebonnet Ridge RV park about 4 : 30 . This is a nice park , with gravel roads and sites . It had gotten colder as we went north , so I just set up the outside items . The new steps went together well , but will take some getting used to . The rails still need some work , but I can get it figured out . The little wrench that Ken made to tighten the handrail posts is not really long enough to turn the posts , but I will have to figure something out there . We went over to Melissa 's apartment where we met Jennifer , Jay and of course Ian , the newest member of the family . We went to the Jalapeno Tree for supper . It was a nice time and we went back to Melissa 's house for a visit with her . We came back to the trailer about 11 . We made plans to meet tomorrow to go to the girl 's family for their Christmas celebration . It is nice of them to have offered to let us attend their party with them . We woke to a cold day , the coldest of this winter . I went down and had coffee with the guys at the rally hall , then went back to the trailer , where we just hung out and stayed inside out of the cold . It turned out to be a " stay inside and read or watch tv day " because of the weather . Stella went to the laundry and did our dirty clothes . We still would rather do this than have a washer / dryer in the trailer . Ricky made some chili and warmed up some tamales that he had picked up when he went to his ranch in south Texas . We ended the meal with some no - sugar cheesecake and sugar - free pecan pie which were both wonderful . Chili is the best thing to warm you up on a cold day . We went back to the trailer and started to get things picked up in preparation for our trip to Terrell for our Christmas visit with my kids there . We were scheduled to do the " Rayford Shuffle " today , moving from site # 80 into site 35 . It was cold and damp again today and I stayed inside until almost 9 . When I went out , I found that Tommy and Susan had already packed up and left . I wanted to see them before they left , but will catch up with them another time . Tommy told me that he has reserved his spot at Rayford for 2009 , so we will see them again . I found that the rig in our new space had already moved , so I went back to the trailer and told Stella . as soon as the trailer was ready , we moved into our new site . While setting up , we met the couple that are in site 36 , a very nice couple that retired about 6 months ago . I had a nice visit with them while getting everything plugged in . We left the park about 1 o ' clock to go to the house in Dickinson to pick up the mail and get anything that we had forgotten . After getting that done , we went to Manvel where I picked up our porch / steps where my friend Ken Caldwell had made some modifications to our unit , which was one of the first prototypes that he had built . He made ours a new - style fold up side frame with screwed on handrails . He also repainted the thing . It has taken a beating from bouncing around in the bed of my truck , but it was good for him to be able to check it for any rust or damage . We went back to Rayford where Ricky came by soon after we got back to invite us over to eat with them . They had some leftover sausage , a stuffed pork chop and some leftover potatoes , so we all had a good meal and cleaned out their refrigerator . Wwe got up this morning and went to the pancake breakfast in the rally hall . It was good food prepared by our friends Frank and Nancy who live in the park . We will try to make these a routine . We didn 't do much of anything all day Saturday . The weather was cold and damp , which made it hard to get outside and do anything . Tommy and Susan came over about 5 : 15 to pick us up to go to Sandy and Rusty 's Christmas party at their house . It was a nice time with several of our Boomer friends . Bob Wurch was there and said he will be at Rayford for the New Years Eve party . We left the party about 8 : 30 . We got up today , expecting to have to go home for the night to take care of the boys while Kim and Jeremy went to a Christmas party for Jeremy 's work . We left the park around 10AM and along the way , we decided to stop at a Sam 's store on I - 45 near Airtex . We stopped there because it was a store that we had never been in , so there might be something there that we really needed ! We got inside and began shopping when Stella had to call Kim to aske a question about a gift for Tyler . Kim told her that the party had been cancelled and we didn 't have to go home . That was fine with us , so we continued to shop . We really didn 't buy all that much at Sam 's so we decided to stop at Gallery to look at recliners to put in the new trailer . We searched the store buy couldn 't find anything we liked . It was disappointing that a store that big didn 't have any more selection than they did . We didn 't know where there was a Lazy Boy store in this area . I know that Lazy Boy has some chairs of the right size for us , so we decided to drive up past Rayford - Sawdust to see if we could find a store . When we got to FM 242 , we gave up and stopped at the Wal Mart store there . We spent a lot of money ( $ 130 . 00 ) but it was all stuff we needed , with a few groceries thrown in . Today was a very slow day for us , but I guess thats to be expected for an old retired man . . . . I slept in this morning and didn 't have coffee with the guys . I guess I was up too late last night running the roads for Cameron 's birthday . It was very foggy this morning and we just laid around all day long . I went for a walk this morning around the park . Today was the first day that the weather cooperated enough for me to walk . We just stayed in and watched tv all day today . Ricky came by late in the afternoon and asked us to come over . Dee said she had lots and lots of leftovers to eat , so she cooked up some stuffed pork chops and warmed up the leftover sausage and potatoes from the other day and we had a nice meal . We watched a little bit of television on their HD TV . I can see the use of high definition , but there is still not too much on tv . We 're supposed to go home tomorrow , so I should be up early packing stuff up . Ricky volunteered to go pick up Dee 's parents in Louisiana , so he 'll be gone the first thing in the morning . I got up this morning and had coffee with the guys in the rally hall . Stella had gotten up and taken Cassie for her morning walk , so that was already out of the way . We had a few things to pick up and put away this morning , so after this was done , we loaded up the few things that we were taking with us and left for home . Stella had some things to do in the doctor 's office today , so we had decided to go home for the day . It is also Cameron 's birthday , so we were taking him out tonight . We got home without any incidents , but found that Stella 's car wouldn 't go into gear . We had found a transmission fluid leak last week when she had the oil changed , and it apparently had leaked out since then . She just took the truck to go to work . I stayed at the house while she was gone . I played on the computer and watched some television ( napped ) until about 4 o ' clock when I took a shower and got ready to take Cam out . Stella came home and we gathered our stuff up and went to Texas City to get Cameron and Tyler . He wanted to go to Gringo 's restaurant for his birthday dinner , but when we got there , the parking lot was completely full with several cars parked across the street in the mall parking lot . We gave him the choice of where else to go and he chose Ryan 's . We had a very enjoyable meal with the boys . We went back to their house and watched Cam open his presents . He got a new game for their Wii , a radio for his room and a video game . After going home to pick up Cassie , we made an easy trip back to the park , and arrived a little after 10 . I stayed up until almost 11 o ' clock tonight . I 'm getting better at staying up , and slept until after 7 . I guess I 'm finally getting the hang of being retired and changing my sleep habits . So long for now . . . . . Today was a pretty slow day for us . It is cold again , with a light rain falling and making it miserable to be out in the weather . I am rapidly getting over this winter weather ! I got up this morning and had coffee with the guys in the rally , then came back and took the stairs and porch apart to take it back to Ken to have some modifications made to it . He is going to change the way the rails attach , from a slide in connection to a screw - in design . He said he will sand it down to check for any rust damage and then repaint it . He is doing all of this for me because I bought one of the first units so he is willing to update it for me . The first thing I had to do was to go back to Soundjamz in Pearland to have my air horn repaired . When I got there , their installer was running late , but as soon as he showed up he began working on it . He found that a relay under the hood had shorted out , which may have caused the ignition problem last week . Rick , the owner of the store , said it is impossible for the installation that they did to have caused the problem , but when the horn was unplugged , the truck worked fine . He replaced the relay and put it in another location under the hood so no water will splash onto it . The installer also found that the switch on the air compressor was bad which caused it to pump constantly and the over pressure switch to open to relieve the air pressure . He replaced it at the same time , so we 'll see how long this lasts . I returned home and we just hung out until late in the afternoon when Ricky came over to check on us . We hadn 't seen them for a coulple of days , so he just came to check on us . We decided to visit the new Ace Hardware store which was opening today . Ricky went and picked up Dee and came by and picked us up . We walked around the store for awhile and of course , Stella and Dee bought a couple of items . Susan and Tommy called to say they were going to James ' Coney Island for their supper . We decided to go with them , so we all met there . We came back home and hung out here for the rest of Posted by I went down to the rally hall for coffee with the guys this morning . When I went down there , the temperature was in the upper 60 's . I hadn 't been there 20 minutes when the temperature stated to drop and by the time we left , the temp was in the 40 's , quite a change in so short a time ! A cold front had come through and the temp continued to drop for the rest of the day . We were supposed to have packed up to leave today . I had planned to take the porch and steps back to Ken in Manvel to have some modifications hade to them and to have them cleaned up and painted and to take the truck back to Soundjamz in Pearland to have the air horn repaired . I was also planning to take the truck by Manvel Auto Care to have the brakes looked at while I was there . We decided that since the weather had turned so bad , we really didn 't want to go home today , so Stella called the park and got permission for us to stay ' til the weekend . There is a rally coming in and we will have to leave by Sunday . Bill didn 't want to stay , so he packed up and took off by 10 o ' clock . I was glad to have had some time to spend with Bill and we won 't see him again until we go to Cut N Shoot in January . Stella wanted to get her hair cut , so I took her to a hair place near the Kroger store . While she was there , I took the truck to Ripley 's Car Care on Rayford Rd . where I got a price to get the rear brakes repaired . Mark , the manager , gave me a price which I thought was very reasonable , and told me to bring it in today if I wished . This is quite a difference from many repair shops , who require a wait to have repairs made . I went and picked up Stella at the hair shop . She went next door to an AT & T store where she bought a new cell phone . She has been complaining about her phone for a long time , so maybe this will satisfy her for awhile . I bought a new battery for my phone , since it won 't hold a charge any more . After getting her phone , I dropped her off at the trailer and went back to Ripley 's to have the brakes repaired . the right brake rotor was completely pitPosted by Stella fixed some pigs in a blanket for Bill and I to eat out on our picnic table today . Bill and I had just been sitting around drinking coffee and enjoying the day . Breakfast was very nice and Bill and I went in to ( nap ) watch the football game on TV . Our friends Rick and Brenda came by to visit and while they were here , Tommy and Susan came in . They pulled in to their normal site in the premium site , so we just hung out with them for awhile . I came back to the trailer to watch the football game and promptly fell asleep in my recliner . When I woke up , Rick and Brenda had left , so I went outside to check on everyone else . Ricky and Dee had come home . Ricky had taken his Dad from his home on Canyhon Lake down to his ranch in south Texas for a deer hunting weekend . Ricky had gotten sick almost as soon as he got there , so he didn 't hunt but he said they had a good time there . He stopped along the way home and picked up some pork sausage that he wanted to fix for supper . Stella and Dee went to the grocery store and got some potatoes and corn to fix for supper . I called Melissa to sing Happy Birthday to her , which is something I have done for all the kids since they were little . Melissa appreciated it , and we always have fun with it . It 's hard to believe that my baby girl is 35 years old ! We went over to Ricky 's trailer and ate supper , which was another good meal . Tommy had left before we started eating to decorate around their motorhome but Susan came back before we finished eating . She ate a little bit and fixed a plate for Tommy , so everyone ate well tonight . I went in about 8 : 30 to watch the Dallas football game . I must have gone to sleep as soon as I sat down , and woke up about 2 : 30 . I went to bed but couldn 't go back to sleep , so I got out of bed and came back in the living room and played on the computer . I had to find out who had won the football game ! I wasn 't in here long when I got cold and went back to bed . I slept until 7 : 15 , when I jumped up and went down to the rally hall for coffee with the guys . So long fPosted by We got up this morning and I went down to have coffee with the guys in the small rally hall . Before I got there , I saw that the lights were off and figured they had overslept or just didn 't have coffee on Saturdays and went back to my trailer . I hadn 't been back here 15 minutes when my phone rang and it was Bill asking me if we were going to eat the breakfast . I told him that we didn 't kow about it and would be coming up there to have coffee with him and to eat . When I got there , Frank and Nancy had just started to cook the waffles but the coffee was ready . I had a cup while we waited for the waffles to be ready . Of course , they were worth the wait ! Bill and I sat down there in the rally until Stella came in to eat . Just before we finished eating , Jim came over and asked us to come to a Christmas potluck that the snowbird residents of the park were having tonight . He said to be here at 6 o ' clock . Later , Bill , Stella and I went to Kroger to buy the food that we were going to bring to the potluck dinner . Stella made her potato casserole and Bill bought a coffee cake for dessert . We came back to the park and just hung out until time to go . We had a great time at the potluck and it was very nice of them to invite us , since we 're not full - timers and certainly not snowbirds . They had a gift exchange after dinner that was moderated by Frank . He did the " stealing " of gifts different and allowed them to be stolen every round but limited the steals to 3 times per round . The most popular items in the exchange were some mini bottles of liquor in chocolate , a bottle of Maker 's Mark whiskey and a glass thermometer . One of those three items were stolen just about every round , and everyone had a good laugh about them . We ended up with a box of Cee 's lollipops that Stella got and an old 50 - 30 amp adapter that I won . It was all fun and I think everyone had a good time . We didn 't sit out tonight because it was so windy and chilly . We all went in about 9 o ' clock and went to bed . I woke this morning wishing I had my truck back . Not only because I could do whatever I wanted , but that I had missed a night of sleeping in my trailer at Rayford . I was proud of myself for not calling Gay Pontiac to check on it , but when Stella went to work , about 9 : 30 , I asked her to go by the dealership to see if it was inside being worked on . Sure enough , it was still in the same place it had been yesterday when it was brought in by the wrecker . I waited to call them until about 11 o ' clock but was told that John , my service writer was out of the office and would call me back . He never did , so I called him about 1 . He said they had just found the problem , which was a short in the ignition switch caused by the air horn wiring . He said they could fix the truck to start and stop again but without a schematic diagram they could not rewire the horn back in . I told him to check the rear brakes because it sounded like they were grinding . He said he would call me right back , but right back to him means at least two hours . He called me a little after 3 and said that the truck had been repaired but they weren 't able to work on the brakes and have it finished today . Now , keep in mind that they had the truck all day yesterday and did nothing to it . Then he quoted me a price of $ 1 , 200 if they used aftermarket parts and $ 1 , 900 if they used GM parts , so I was glad they didn 't have time to do the repair . We went to get the truck , so I sent Stella on back home , believing the truck would be ready to go . Nope ! The truck showed a battery problem with a large red light on the dash . I marched back inside and of course , John was gone again , so the other service writer went to find a meter to check the batteries . While he was trying to figure out how to hook up the two wires on the tester , John showed up and together they were able to hook the meter up but it showed a loose connection . They acted like they didn 't know what to do now , so John went inside to get someone with some mechanical knowledge to help them out . A young man came oPosted by I woke this morning with dread over the repairs to the truck . I called my buddy Barry who is the Parts and Service Director for Ron Carter in Texas City but when I told him about everything that happened last night he recommended taking it back to the GMC dealer , Gay Pontiac in Dickinson . Barry is the former shop foreman at Gay Pontiac so he is familiar with their service . I called Charlie who owns R & R Wrecker and is going to tow the truck and told him where to take it . I called Gay Pontiac and spoke with John about working on the truck . He said he would try to get it looked at today and would let me know what was wrong . As it worked out , he wasn 't able to get a technician to look into my truck but promised to get to it tomorrow . It sucks not having transportation ! We were supposed to have gone back to Rayford today to meet Bill Sims who was coming over for a medical treatment in Houston . I had to call him and tell him what had happened and that we wouldn 't be at the park today . I did get my RV ' ers Notebook software installed and set up . I had bought this softeware package after reading good reviews of it in a couple of RV forums . So far it has been easy but we 'll see . I just hung out today and watched a little bit of television . It sucks to not have transportation ! Today was our travel day back to Rayford and then to our house in Dickinson . Stella needed to go to her office tomorrow , so we decided to just drive home after dropping the trailer off at Rayford . When we woke up this morning we found about 1 " of snow on the picnic table and on the truck . We knew that snow had been expected but it was not supposed to have been cold enough to make it stick , but we had the proof . We saw a lot of snow in the pastures and in sheltered areas all day long . It was quite cold too , probably in the upper 20 's . When I started the truck , the thermometer showed 32 degrees and that was around 9 o ' clock . We didn 't get away as early as we 'd hoped to and hit Houston in the beginning of the rush hour traffic . We decided to come in on I - 10 and by going that way we shaved an hour off our travel time . We didn 't drive any faster than normal but maybe the cold wind hurried us along . We got into Rayford about 3 : 30 and it started snowing on us again . It had rained off and on from about Katy on , and because of the cold and snow , the only thing I connected outside was the electricity . We weren 't staying anyway and I wanted to get on the road as soon as possible . Along the way home , the snow turned back into rain which stayed with us all the way home . I guess the cold front had not completely caught up with us yet . We met Kim , Jeremy and the boys at Ryan 's for supper . Of course , Tyler told me that I didn 't have an excuse not to come over to their house now , so we had to go . When we got to their house , the weirdest thing happened ! The truck , which we had been driving all day pulling the trailer and all , would not shut off when we got to Kim 's house . It was weird because I even took the keys out , then tried everything I could think of to make the motor shut down but it wouldn 't . I just locked the truck and came inside to get out of the snow , which had started again and was getting harder and harder . After staying for a short time , Jeremy came outside to see if he could think of anything to do when we got home , bPosted by Today was a do - nothing day for us . Stella took the dirty clothes down to the laundry and got them all cleaned up to take back and Cassie and I just laid around the trailer . I walked around the park a little bit to get some excercise and when Stella called , I went back and got her and the truck and we came back to the trailer . She and I took Cassie for a walk around the park and we returned and just hung out for the rest of the day . I got up pretty early and watched Ricky and Dee as they packed up to leave . Dee had to be back in Houston for work ( ugh , that nasty word ! ) so they were leaving today . They had thought about leaving yesterday , but we had gone all day to see the Pearl Harbor day celebration in Fredericksburg and the lights in the area , so their trailer was ready to go . They pulled out around 9 : 30 with no problems . Since we are in the area , I decided to go to New Braunfels to see Grandma Willie Mae , my step mother . We have not seen her for a long time , since my Dad died in 1997 , so I thought it was time for a visit . We called her and told her that we would be there in the morning and then barely made it before noon , but we got there none the less . She looked very good and we had a nice visit . She had gone to Naeglin 's Bakery and bought some rolls and a half of a strudel , a German pastry that was delicious . We also took care of some family business that has been hanging around since Daddy passed , and that was a good thing . Grandma Willie Mae has a little chihuahua dog that Adam , her grandson gave her after her other dog died . The little dog barked and barked and she told me to be careful of him because he bites . I didn 't get too close to find out , but I think he had learned to tolerate me before we left . We returned to Boerne and stopped at the Walgreens and got some items there . Stella 's refill required a visit to her doctor before it could be filled , so it will wait a few days until we get back into Dickinson . I went ahead and picked up our outside chairs and the other items that had been put out over the weekend in preparation of leaving on Wednesday . We stayed in the rest of the night . Today we woke to watch most of the other Boomers leaving . Again this is a new experience for us to be able to just sit around and watch everyone else leaving . More handshakes and hugs were given to me and best wishes in my retirement . Ricky , Dee , Stella and I went over to Fredericksburg for the day . It turned out to be a wonderful day with great weather . Since this was our anniversary , Ricky bought our lunch in downtown Fredericksburg . We had seen the large turnout at the Chester Nimitz Museum commemorating the Pearl Harbor anniversary which was also being observed today . Soon after finishing our lunch , we saw an awesome flyover by four F - 14 fighters which was followed by flyovers by other WW II aircraft . I am not enough of a historian of these flying warships but I recognized several models . I did a little research on daveswarbirds . com and found some of the models that we saw : F4F WildcatF4U CorsairP - 36 / Hawk 75P - 38 LightningP - 51 MustangP - 47 ThunderboltP - 63 KingcobraB - 17 Flying FortressI am sure that there were many more models seen , but these were the only ones that I could positively identify . We walked around the shops in Fredericksburg until we were all tired and left to go over some of the other Hill Country cities to see their Christmas lights . First we went to Dripping Springs to the New Canaan Farms where we sampled and bought some of their jams , jellies and salsa . We drove up to Marble Falls where we saw their great display of lights . They use a large area down by the lake in the middle of the city and have millions of lights on display . I 'm sorry to say that I didn 't bring my camera but did take a few shots with my camera phone but the quality is not that good . Maybe Dee will send me some of her 's that I can add here . We then went to Johnson City where we saw a large display at their electric company . Standing under this display was just like being outside in daylight . We also stopped in Blanco but their light display was not nearly as large and extensive as the other city 's . We ended up driving about 220 Posted by Friday December 5th is the first day of the Texas Boomers Christmas rally . Of course we came in early by one day so we could be here watching most of the others arriving . It was very nice to be able to do that for a change , especially since its in Boerne . We wouldn 't have been able to do this if we were still working regular jobs unless we took a vacation day . Stella asked me to set up the front porch this morning so I went out and began putting it together . Ted came by and helped me get it set so it cut my erection time a little bit . It usually only takes me about 15 minutes to get it done . We just sat around watching as the others came in and got set up . David Shodrock came by and invited us to come by later in the afternoon for some tortilla soup but we had already made plans to go downtown for the night Christmas shopping in the downtown area . We rode with Ricky and Dee with Harry and Judy following in their truck . We met up with Jerry and Diane who are from Canada and visiting at Rayford . They came to the Boomer rally at Ricky and Dee 's invitation . Harry told us about his bad luck last week while getting ready for Thanksgiving . On Tuesday he noticed a small amount of water under his truck , so when he got home he saw more water that turned out to be coming from his water pump . His neighbor asked him if he would like for him to change it out for him , and he agreed . It was a much cheaper fix for the truck . Then as they got ready to go on Wednesday morning , one of the trailer legs broke so they were not able to make it to Rayford for Thanksgiving . We ate at the Hungry Horse cafe again . I had an enormous bowl of Frito pie and a slice of apple / cranberry pie . It was delicious , just like last night 's meal there . After walking around the downtown area for awhile in the cold , we returned to the park . We sat around in Ricky 's trailer having a drink until the party at the rally hall was ready . Sandy had arranged for a " mini " retirement party for me . It was very nice and they furnished a delicious retirement cake that Sandy Posted by Although I haven 't posted anything since retiring , don 't be misled , I haven 't stopped writing , I 've just been enjoying my first days of being retired . We laid around at Rayford for almost two weeks before coming to Boerne for the Boomer 's Christmas rally . We didn 't get away as early as we wanted to but finally pulled out at 10 o ' clock . We met up with Ted and Donna at the Magnolia high school , where they had pulled over to wait for us . It was a very uneventful trip with only one stop at the nice rest area at Columbus . We agreed there to turn off at Hwy . 46 to go around through New Braunfels to get to Boerne and arrived about 3 o ' clock . I immediately found the 50 amp plug on my pedestal was burned up . I reported it to the office so they sent their repair man who changed it out for me . I learned that another Boomer , Harry Nevedomski , had the same problem , and when Dutch and Sandy Dinwiddie arrived their 50 amp plug was burned too . They had already changed out Harry 's plug and Dutch only needed a 30 amp , so he was good to go . We went out to eat at the Hungry Horse cafe . The food was very good , homestyle food with plenty on the plate . The downtown area seems to close up at dark , but they were nice enough to direct us to the Hungry Horse , a great choice if you 're ever in Boerne . Boerne is a very old town , originally settled by Germans . One of our old friends , Patti Kerlin , moved here from Wimberly after Tommy passed away . She told Donna that she lives in a new house that was painted to look old . I 'm sure we 'll see her house before we leave . Since we didn 't think to check into signing up for Internet service when we checked in , I did that this morning . At $ 3 . 00 a day , this could get expensive if we ever decided to stay at this park ( doubtful ) again . I also checked into the burn ban that is on for the county . The nice lady in the office told me that as long as I had a cover for the firepit , it should be fine . I hope that is the case because there are several that are expecting to have a fire this weekend . Stella slept in thisPosted by |
Last night I cried , because I thought about my mother , as I often do . I know she must be sinking farther and farther into dementia , and I can 't do anything about it . I love her and miss her , and I wish things had ended differently . ( But I guess she made her choice also . ) I wish I could comfort her , in that far - away place she now dwells . How can you be angry with someone who is now probably like a confused child ? I cry because I remember her fear of dementia , and her fear of having to live that way . I cry because I tried so hard to care for her and please her , and she called me hateful names ( while she was still in her right mind . ) I cry because I 've always loved her , and I just wanted her to love me back . I cry because I wish that I could soothe her fears , and I can 't . All of this is progressing so rapidly , and I could see it plainly awhile back . We were told that it would not get better . I knew that her care needs were more than I could handle anymore , and I was already 3 1 / 2 years into total exhaustion , and sick myself . There should be no shame in saying that I could not continue on as I was . I simply could not . I knew that I was going to die . But my brother didn 't get it . Now maybe he will . How frightening it must be , to be trapped in your very physically ill body , losing your mind . It seems like some kind of cruel nightmare , that has no ending . She was so afraid of becoming like the people we saw in the halls of the nursing home ( where she was for 5 1 / 2 months of rehab . ) I always reassured her , and tried to help her through her confusion , and prayed that it would pass . It really accelerated after her hip surgery . She was never really the same after that , and we were warned by the Ortho doctor that many elderly people are affected that way by the anesthesia . And now I can 't get to her . She might as well be in a castle with a drawbridge and a moat , instead of a small house in a small town with my angry brother , and a caregiver . She 's isolated . She probably wouldn 't want to see me anyway . And I could not go back without becoming totally involved in her care , and I am not physically able to do that anymore . I have been very sick lately , and I just can no longer take the stress of her care , or of her emotional treatment of me . That is why she was so much better off in the Assisted Living , where she could get socialization , food she loved , and medical assistance and supervision . There was a Memory Care Unit there as well , if she needed it later on . But my brother was determined to bring her home , and now he is probably overwhelmed as well . ( You cannot possibly know what it is like to care for all her needs until you 've done it . I could not keep up anymore , and the stress of it all was killing me . ) I needed help desperately . I can only reach her through my prayers . I ask God to comfort her , and strengthen her . I ask Him to take care of her , as I no longer can . I ask Him to soften her heart towards me , and let her memories be of our happy times together ( and there were quite a few , in spite of our problems . ) I ask God to tell her I love her . How much can a heart break until it can 't break anymore ? How much sorrow can a person endure until they are numb ? Apparently , I haven 't reached that place yet , as I am still crying . I have been strong beyond my ability . ( Mainly because it wasn 't my ability , but the Lord 's , that has brought me this far . ) Can I trust Him to carry me further still ? There have been no mountaintop experiences in my life for a long time - just valleys that seem to never end . They say that it 's in the valleys that you develop character . ( Whoever they are . ) I wonder how much pain they have survived , to know such a thing , though I do believe it 's true . I must be full of character by now , and I 'm so ready to cry " uncle . " ( It 's an expression for saying " I give up - enough 's enough . " ) But how much is enough ? How hot does the fire get , before you run screaming out of it ( or worse , are consumed by it ? ) How lonely do you have to feel , before someone hugs you tightly and says , " It will be okay . " ( Even if you know it won 't . ) How invisible ( in your pain ) do you have to become , before you completely disappear ? I went to the nursing home this evening , and I found my mom sitting on her bed , eating her dinner . She looked very exhausted and tired . There was a strong odor of urine in the room , though I didn 't mention it . I had tried to call her all day the day before , but had not been able to reach her . I was not able to visit yesterday , as I was not feeling well . And I had tried all day today as well . ( I go at least every other day . Sometimes every day , when I am able . ) After calling and calling , I realized that she could no longer figure out how to answer the phone . My brother had left a cell phone for her , and had painted green where the " answer " button was , and red where the " hang up " button was , but the paint or marker had worn off . So now , she would fumble with the buttons , completely frustrated , trying to answer , with no success . And I would begin to worry when I couldn 't reach her . ( I have to back up a little to tell the story . ) My mom had a fabulous roommate until Saturday . Sophie went home on Saturday morning . It was a very sad time for her and my mom , as they had grown to love each other . They were allies against the nursing home world , and together they could overcome almost every obstacle or trauma . Truly it was a lovely friendship - one made in heaven . On the day she left , my mom requested that Sophie play her German music one more time . My mom had become very fond of it . Sophie always provided atmosphere in the room . On certain nights , you would think you were in a 5 - Star Hotel . Sophie even had a fish , swimming in a serene aquarium , and at night before bedtime , she would dim the lights and play beautiful classical music , or her German songs . ( She was from Germany , and had a lovely accent . ) It was a charming atmosphere for a nursing home room , while Sophie was there . On the same day that Sophie left , Addie arrived . Addie is a large , very confused , and aggressive woman . It was a total culture shock after sweet , precious soft - spoken Sophie . Addie immediately wanted the blinds closed . She could not figure out why she was there , and she cursed under her breath every moment . When I would try to visit my mom , I would often pull the curtain , so that we could talk in peace , but Addie would pull it back abruptly , without warning . She ordered me around , and I did numerous tasks for her , and she kept asking where the remote for the TV was . Sadly , I had to tell her , that they had said that the maintenance man would bring one - but he never did . Not in weeks . ( This has really been hard on my mom , who has a broken hip , and can 't get out of bed to change the channel . ) Since her eyesight has grown worse , it doesn 't leave anything for her to do , but lie in bed . She tries to read the paper , or a magazine now and then , but she can 't see well enough anymore , to read for very long . Addie must have asked 20 times in 30 minutes , about the remote control . Then she wanted to know a million other things … over , and over , and over again . I was nearly crazy , so I know my mom was . She has to live with this 24 / 7 . Even in the night , Addie will curse and say , " I can 't wait to get out of this hell hole . Or , " Oh , God . " ( ETC . ) My mom had broken her right foot and her left leg , and had received therapy , and was about to go home , when she fell one night , on her way to the bathroom , and broke her hip . Now , after a painful surgery , she is once again on another regimen of physical therapy , and this time it is very painful , and even more difficult . In order to get through it , she has to have her rest . Day after day , we all answered Addie 's questions , even though we grew increasingly more frustrated . Finally last Sunday , we decided to complain . My favorite nurse ( a male ) was filling in on my mom 's hall on Sunday afternoon . He usually works on the other hall . When I arrived , much to my surprise , my mom was in her wheelchair , putting on lipstick ( something she has not done in weeks ) , preparing to go to complain with us . ( I thought this was very brave . ) I told the nurse very politely , that the lady was driving my mom crazy , and that I felt she wasn 't getting any rest . He said that he would submit a complaint , and for me to check back . On Wednesday , I went back and asked him if he 'd heard anything , and he said that they would never tell him anything , bu that they would contact us . I told him that I had not heard a word . The CNA , who often works with my mom , agreed that Addie was driving everyone crazy , and said that my mom had finally gotten her told a few times . ( I guess in her frustration , she couldn 't take anymore . ) The male nurse said that he and the CNA ( Certified Nursing Assistant ) would file another complaint . He then told me to check with a nurse ( I 'll leave out her name to protect the innocent ) who would be working on Friday from 2 p . m . through the entire night . He indicated that if I complained again to her , that should take care of it . So that brings us back to this evening ( Friday . ) As I said , I walked in and my mom was sitting on the side of the bed , finishing her dinner . She told me that Addie had put on her ( my mom 's ) clothes , had wet them , and put them in a bag in her wheelchair . ( So that explained the horrible smell when I walked in . ) My nose led me to the bag . By this time , I 'd had it ! I was glad that we had come to complain again . This was just too much . ( Addie was in the dining hall at this time . ) When the nurse came in , we explained what had transpired all through the week , as well as what I had just found . She said , " You mean that Addie is putting on your mom 's clothes , and then wetting them ? " I answered , " That 's what she said , and you can smell the urine . " She agreed , and offered to wash the clothes , as I cleaned my mom 's wheelchair , and Rob gathered up the rest of her clothes to take home and wash . ( But none of us could understand how Addie could possibly fit in my mom 's clothes . ) The nurse left the room , and I put away some gowns and clothes that I had brought for my mom . I finished cleaning her wheelchair with antibacterial wipes , and also cleaned her bedside tray . About this time , the nurse returned and asked to see me outside . She and the CNA were waiting by the entrance , and the CNA proceeded to tell me that my mom had wet the clothes . ( This took a moment to process . ) " I 'm so sorry " , I apologized . " I believed what my mom told me , as she is not one to lie , and she seemed so sure about what had happened . " The CNA told me that my mom was getting worse mentally . She said , " She 's in and out . " I told her and the nurse , that my mom had been a brilliant woman all her life , and had lived completely independently until now . I assured them that while she did have a little confusion and some minor temporary memory problems now and then , that she had never experienced the kind of confusion she was now experiencing , after the surgery . I also told them that for the earlier part of this week , she seemed completely clear to me , except for one or two remarks that made no sense . They said that they would be having her evaluated by the psychiatrist on Wednesday . I asked if I would be told what the evaluation was , and the nurse said that I should call the unit nurse early Wednesday morning , ( early being before 7 : 00 a . m . when the psychiatrist would come ) and tell her I would like to speak with the doctor . ( More run - around probably . I won 't hold my breath , that I will actually learn anything , but we 'll see . ) Rob and I had been on our way to dinner , on this Friday evening , but things had gotten so complicated that we weren 't able to go . When I got back into my mom 's room , she asked if she could get in her wheelchair , so that we could go for a little walk . ( I could not say no - dinner or no dinner for us . I just could not leave her right now . ) So I said that would be fine , and called for the CNA to transfer her to the wheelchair , as she can 't stand right now , and it is a tedious process of moving her legs and body in a certain way , to get into the chair . I went out into the hallway to wait . I found a corner nook , sat down with Rob , and began to cry . It was just too much . I was still trying to process what I had just been told , and the sadness of it all . The tears were streaming down my face so much , that I had to go to a nearby restroom and get some tissue . I apologized to Rob about dinner , and asked if he wanted to go eat alone , or do some errands . He said he would call his mom , while we walked . ( His mom is in Assisted Living in Central Florida . ) So Betty and I escaped ( at least for a moment . ) I took her through the double doors that led to the atrium , where the privileged lived . It was a large open area in the Senior Living residence area . We had visited it before , to see how the " other half " lived . What a contrast between the nursing home , that was tucked away in the back of the building , and the affluence of those who lived in the retirement apartments . We had a very good time . I told her that we were going to run away . We laughed about that , and wished we could . An elderly woman waved to us from her window that overlooked the atrium , and we waved back . We looked at the bowling area , the pool table , the puzzle area ( where 3 dimensional castles had been built , as well as what appeared to be the London Bridge . ) We wheeled right up to the fancy dining hall , and then right into it . The lights were dimmed for the evening , and there was only one worker in the back , who seemed to ignore us . Then we found the pool . I had always smelled chlorine in the atrium , but never saw a pool . Finally , I reasoned that perhaps they didn 't have one , since the whole place was senior citizens , and maybe it would not be safe . But we found it , just off the dining hall . It was a very small rectangular shaped pool for swimming laps , or doing aquacize . The sun was still up , so I wheeled my mom outside into the fresh air - something she has not experienced much of since mid June . We walked completely around the building , a very nice long distance , and then back into the front entrance of the apartments . Sadly , we made our way back to her room , but we were happy with the nice walk we 'd had , and I made a mental note that I could take her to the atrium sometimes , and we could have our snack there . ( I don 't think the people at the retirement apartments would care , and it would be a nice change of scene . ) Once back in the room , she wanted a soda and some crackers , so we sat together at the foot of her bed , and ate peanut butter and cheese crackers . I bring lots of snacks for her , as she has lost 30 pounds since coming to the nursing home ( and she is always giving them away to her favorite helpers . ) Hey , it doesn 't hurt to bribe the best ones . Rob and I decided to go ahead and eat out , and enjoyed a nice dinner ( at 9 : 00 p . m . ) and then on the way home , my cell phone rang . ( I believe she said it was the nursing home Director Of Nursing . ) She was very brash , harsh , and overbearing . She said , " My nurse told me you were upset . " I explained to her that I was no longer upset , but that we did have a problem with my mom 's roommate . She told me that there were only 2 " female beds " available , and they expected a lady to return from the hospital to one , and that the other one was in a room with a lady that sometimes " cried out . " I tried to explain to her that we didn 't want to move my mom , as she had the best room in the nursing home , with a view of the golf course , and lots of bird feeders outside her window . ( She said that she could not move the other lady without her family 's permission . And that she ( Addie ) had previously been in the room with the lady that called out , and her ( Addie 's ) family had asked for her to be moved . ) At a complete loss , I asked her to please not move my mom to either of those rooms , as she was happy with her bed by the window , ( it was just that the other lady was driving her crazy . ) This woman was not compassionate or kind . She would not let me say a word , and I finally gave up in total exasperation , ( deciding that maybe the devil we knew , was better than the one we didn 't know . ) I asked if Addie was due to go home anytime soon , and she said perhaps in a week . So that was that . I slammed my cell phone shut . So this was the culmination of all those complaints , trying to follow nursing home protocol . I was in the van , and the tears began to fall again . Tonight I was finding the world just too cruel , and even though I have been extemely strong through all this , there are those days when it 's just too hard . And so I cry , and for a moment , I let myself experience the horrible reality that has become my life . ( And most importantly , my mom 's life . ) And then I dry my tears , bandage my breaking heart , and go on , afraid to even think about more than the next few hours … No doubt about it , for lots of reasons the stress is beginning to show . Once again it is midnight , and I have only been home a little while . It was a very busy day again , and I am exhausted . I feel abandoned in a way , trying to face something that is far too overwhelming . There are others around me , but they are in the distance . I am the one who deals with the everyday drudgery of hospital business . Bringing gowns , air freshener , robes , bedroom shoes , and all the personal items a human being needs to survive away from home . I slept late today , though I was plagued with reflux from eating too late last night . Still , I woke up exhausted . I feel guilty no matter how much I do , or how much I 'm there for her . My house is falling down around me . Clothes are not getting folded , as I pass through the swinging doors of what used to be home . I simply grab towels from the laundry basket , and socks from my suitcase that never got unpacked from Rob 's recent business trip . I trip over things trying to check my email . Home is a place where I sleep , bathe , and dress . That 's all it is anymore . Once Rob 's fever went away , he resumed his workaholic schedule , and after he helped me get Betty squared away in the hospital , I 've seen very little of him . He went to the mission today to talk with some of the guys that were at the Barn ministry where we sang , and he gave his testimony last week . ( All I could think was how much more I needed him than they did . Selfish I know , but I feel totally overwhelmed . ) I did two things today that helped me keep my sanity . It threw my whole schedule off , and I was behind the rest of the day , but I really didn 't care . One was I actually went into a Taco Bell and sat down quietly , and ate . ( I cannot remember the last time that I sat down to eat . ) The second thing I did was walk around a TJ Maxx for a few minutes . I had this desire to do something … anything that seemed , well … remotely normal . But even in there I was purchasing hospital related items - another suitcase to roll her clean clothes , dirty clothes , and belongings back and forth , and a warm , soft throw blanket for her to use in the nursing home because she is often very cold . Earlier in the day I had stopped by my indoor flea market and collectibles booth , which I had not visited since last Monday , to vacuum the rug , and spruce things up a bit . Lots of people come through , and things get really out of place in a week 's time . I shared war stories with another lady about the care of our moms . She said that something I had said to her on Monday helped her get through the week , and she gave me a hug . I told her what had happened to my mom - the broken right foot , and the broken left leg . After the flea market , Taco Bell , and TJ Maxx , I headed to my mom 's house to get all the things on the list - gowns , glasses , robes , wallet with Medicare card , in case she is transferred tomorrow , and other miscellaneous items . By then it was almost 8 : 15 , and I called to see if I could bring her anything to eat , as she complains daily about the horrible food . I suggested a pimento cheese sandwich from her house and some chips , as I had just purchased some grocery items on Thursday . I secured the house , went through the mail , and wrote my brother a note . Before she fell , he had been eating lunch or supper with her daily , because he works nearby . However , I have noticed that he always left his dishes in the sink . Knowing that she would not be there to clean them , I asked if he would help keep the house in some kind of order , by washing his dishes daily , emptying the trash , and cleaning the bathroom he uses . I reminded him that even when she does come home , she will not be able to do household chores for some time . When I finally arrived at the hospital , my mom and I ate a sandwich together , and talked with the night nurse . She was a very young girl , born in Illinois , but with a Southern accent . Shortly after that my mom and I had a fight . Yes , an argument . It was about her going to the bathroom . She was determined to go to her beside chair without assistance . Whenever I am around , she wants me to do the things that the nurses should be supervising . I was begging her to wait before getting up until I could get a nurse , but she said that she had been shown how to " shuffle " in her walker , and before I knew it , she was out of that bed , and I was helping her into the bathroom chair . Then she wanted me to have the honor of cleaning her up , and I was afraid it was going to be more than I could handle , between the mess , and her trying to stand up . I said , " Let me get some help . " She insisted , " We can do it . " But this time , I insisted on going for help . I wanted to be sure that she was supposed to be getting up without someone watching her . The night nurse came back , and took care of the cleaning ( wearing gloves - something I did not have ) and armed with wet wipes . My mom began to criticize me in front of the nurse for not wanting to stay in the room while she was on the chair . She just went on and on , and I began to get angry . ( Believe me , I have dealt with her accidents before - in the car , and twice in a restaurant . ) She has Crohn 's disease , and also at one point could not tolerate Aricept ( and it caused stomach problems . ) I have cleaned up after her several times , but I didn 't feel that I should have to while she was in the hospital , and I was exhausted as well . When she kept on , ( after the nurse left the room ) , I said , " You expect a lot of me . " Of course , she said she didn 't . She seemed to simmer down after that , and we made our peace . The stress of my life is beginning to show . I felt like I was going to have a breakdown on the way home . How much more can happen ? While I was there , after the nurse helped her back in the bed , Betty was way at the end , and couldn 't scoot up , so the nurse more or less made me help her grab the pads under Betty , and we pulled hard to get her to the right position in the bed . There went my back , and shI drug the suitcase and dirty clothes in , and ran to the shower . It 's almost like I think if the water is hot enough , it can wash away my horrible life . ( But our water 's not that hot . ) Well , tomorrow she may be transferred . Who knows where , or what awaits us next . Every day will be the same for me … endless fatigue , no doubt . Broken bones take a long time to mend . The nurse did tell her to let them supervise her getting up , to go to the bedside potty chair , and said especially when she had just taken pain medication . ( She is so stubborn that she may end up breaking something else . ) I cannot make her understand . They had taken the bandage off of her gashed hand once again ( in a hospital famous for staph ( MRSA ) . I put Neosporin on it , and bandaged it once again . ( They take it off when bathing her apparently , and never replace it . ) It does seem to be healing pretty well , but an open sore is very dangerous in that hospital environment . Today is Valentine 's Day . It 's a great day for remembering those we love - for letting them know how much they mean to us . Perhaps this can be a new beginning for many of us . A starting place for trying to love in a pure and unselfish way . Love like that makes a lasting contribution to people , and to the world . Many things in this world try to pass for love , but by the definition above , few people truly love . I know I fall short continually . But I desire so much to love that way . Mother Teresa lived and spoke love . A couple of her quotes speak to me so deeply . " It is not the magnitude of our actions , but the amount of love that is put into them that matters . " And also , " There are no great things , only small things done with great love . " So much of our time is wasted trying to do flashy things , when small things , done with great love , is all that is required . People respond to love . So many people are hurting in this world . So many have been wounded by others . So many hearts are bleeding , so many tears are falling . Our society has become so self - centered . We do not see the wounded lying on the side of the road , as we pass by . We do not hear their cries . They need us to pour in the oil and the wine , as the Good Samaritan did , without thought of himself , and his own problems . He stopped and cared for a wounded man , and took him to shelter , and gave of himself and his money . He could have walked on by . Others surely did ( on their way to church . ) I pray that I will follow his example . People may not be literally lying on the side of the road , but they are surely wounded and crying everywhere we go . It is God 's heart that we bring healing , comfort , and love . Today was another day spent with my mom . It started with me rushing out the door , without any makeup , barely dressed , to take her to yet another doctor 's appointment . For some reason I cannot get it together anymore . I had to call and say we would probably be 10 minutes late . Several times today I felt like I was losing it . After letting her out at the podiatrist , I called my husband . I had to just hear his voice to know that I would be okay . He did answer , and just hearing his voice stabilized me a little . Then I fixed my face , and went in to help her get back into her socks and shoes after having her toenails cut . She has had diabetes for many years , and her toenails are very tough , and need to be cut by a professional , as she really can 't get to them well anymore either . I had left my mom in the car to try and figure out what denominations of money she would need for us to withdraw from the bank to give to relatives for Christmas . I gave her the car manual to bear down on , to write . When I returned to the car , she was reading the manual , and had clearly never thought of working on the money situation . So I patiently sat and tried to figure what she needed . I had to show her umpteen ( a girl word ) million ways that her figure of $ 280 . 00 to withdraw was $ 100 . 00 short of what she actually need . She finally was convinced . Then my mom said she needed her checkbook . My husband 's bookkeeper had it at the office , balancing it for her . So I ran by the office and picked it up . At that point , we both realized that it was 7 minutes until the bank closed . ( We never once considered this before . ) We went rushing to a nearby branch of her Credit Union , with my heart beating wildly , wondering if we would make it . We did , with only 4 minutes to spare . Then when she went to write her withdrawal check , she couldn 't write December . She kept saying , " I can 't make the ' D ' . " The bank teller was waiting , so I said I would write it , but she turned to another check , and finally wrote it . ( So what the heck was that about ? ) There is clearly something going on with her mind . I practically threw the check at the bank teller , praying she would still wait on us after this long . Meanwhile , the girl at the next window , was closing her shade abruptly . We got the money and drove off . Except I couldn 't breathe , and I had chest pains . Too much stress every minute - every thing we do . Two or three times today I felt them . For the rest of the day , she absolutely drove me crazy . We went to eat at a restaurant that was well known in our town for being good , though neither of us had ever been to it . When she got out of the car , she could barely keep her balance . There is no way to explain to you what it is like to try to hold her up , and guide her , but she will not use her walker . She simply refuses . We finally got seated , and then she needed ( understandably ) to go to the restroom . ( Another major procedure just to get there . ) I finally got her seated again , and I commented on how beautifully the place was decorated for Christmas , with a fireplace and a fire , and a white mantel with crystal bowls with deep red ornaments in them . Lovely red tablecloths , and even a man softly playing piano . Finally , I could breathe . But she wasn 't happy . Not with her coffee , not with her food … She never tries to hide her displeasure , or smooth over it . She is simply blunt . It 's okay that she didn 't like the food , but surely she could have been a little pleasant about something . I said , " I 'm sorry . " She said ( sort of ) that it wasn 't my fault , and admitted that she was grumpy . Well DUH … I knew that , but when isn 't she ? ( Answer : Very rarely . ) By the time the meal was over , I was almost in tears . Nothing is ever right . I got her back to the car , and we headed for Kmart for a few things still needed for Christmas . That part went okay . When she can push a buggy , she is much more stable . Then I took her through a subdivision near where she lived , that always has a lot of houses decorated for Christmas . She seemed to like that okay too . Then I took her home . We worked on putting her appointments for next year ( that we already have through May ) on our calendar pages that we keep . ( Our entire life is written there . ) I made her hot chocolate with whipped cream . And then I drove home . I told God that what she needs is a good " Whooping " LOL ! Just Kidding ! But she is like a spoiled brat at times , ( a lot of times ) and she makes life so difficult for me . I try so hard to please her , but mostly it just can 't be done . So then my poor husband has to hear how I had chest pains all day , and how grumpy and unpleasant she was to me . We have no life between my grumpy mom and my grumpy daughter . And quite frankly , the whole thing is making me … well … grumpy ! Can you tell ? So this is my life , which is unbearably hard , because she insists on being the way she is . Life could be so much better if she would just try to be a little pleasant . If she would just realize that I am giving up everything to take care of her , and I 'm glad to do it - if she would only treat me better . Lately , I 've been coming home crying after these days . It 's just too exhausting , too painful , but I am helpless to change any of it . Maybe she treats me mean because I remind her of my dad ( who I was named for . ) Even though their marriage wasn 't pleasant , and they were divorced when I was 2 , she never misses a chance to talk badly about him . I know he did not treat her right , but she never lets me forget it . He changed a great deal over the years , ( even became a Christian ) , but in her mind there is no possibility that he could have changed , and she never lets me forget it . I think that is cruel , because he is my dad , and he died recently , and it hurts me . She does hugs me when I leave , and I know she loves me ( in her own way ) , but she has never really given me the nurturing I need . I need a mother even now . But it 's not possible . A friend of mine also writes a blog , and her 20 year old son was found dead in a river this year . There are so many unanswered questions , and so many broken hearts . She wrote that she was visiting in Boston this week , and was staying at a hotel . She mentioned how she had met some educators from Mexico , while waiting for a cab . They were trying out their knowledge of each others languages , and could manage enough ( most of the time ) to carry on a conversation . She mentioned that when the language attempt failed , they just laughed a lot . And then she told about a man who stayed behind in the lobby to speak with her , after his friends had gotten on the elevator , to go to their rooms . He told her that he had lost his brother when he was a teenager , and she shared that she had recently lost her son . When words failed this time , I am sure there were tears of understanding , threatening to spill over and run down their faces . I remember once long ago , I was having some very tragic family problems , and I ran into a friend at the post office . This woman had been my best friend for so many years , but something happened that we were never able to resolve , and our friendship ended . We had not seen each other in a long while . But she asked how I was , and this day I guess the feelings were very close to the surface , because I blurted out my sad story . Wondering if she would secretly be glad that misfortune had come to me , I felt a little embarrassed . But it was then that I noticed a single tear run down her cheek , and I knew that she still cared . That tear said more to me , than all the words spoken ever could have . Romans 12 : 15 says , " Rejoice with those that rejoice , and weep with those that weep . " It occurred to me , that if we would just do those two things , what a better world it would be . Sometimes we just want someone to share our joy with , and other times we need someone to share our sorrow . |
As usual , I had class from 9 - 2 : 30 . After that , there was some down time and then around 5 : 30 , most of the group went to Octavio 's ( on of our professors ) office . It was awesome . He has a tremendous amount of books . He said that between his office and his flat , he has around 18 , 000 books . I don 't doubt it ! It was an awesome facilitiy and he showed us some of his works that had been published in various magazines , etc . It was actually my first time in an architectural firm , and it was a great one to be in . I can 't even really describe it . Pretty much everything was designed by him … right down to the furniture . It was just great . He 's really funny and he had a lot of good advice and information to give us . He said that we are always welcome to come in and read or ask questions and stuff and I know that I am going to take full advantage of that . He even let Dave and I take one of 3 old monitors that he wanted to get rid of . Now , when we work on our projects , we 'll have dual monitors ( which is what I 'm used to at home ) , hehe . This morning I went to church and got to talk to Guillermo and some new people after the service . I even got to do the two - side - kiss thing with one of the ladies that I met last time . I felt like a Spaniard , haha . Talking with Guillermo was nice because as he said ( in Spanish ) " it forces me to listen and learn . " The afternoon was filled with laundry , napping , and relaxation . At around 9 , some of the guys got together in Mike and Scott S . 's room and watched The Fifth Element … such a great movie ! Today Mike , Clay and I headed down to the beach to throw the frisbee around and what not . We wore shorts because at the time it seemed like a good idea . Little did we know that down at the beach it was a lot colder and windier than back at the apartment . And , then the sun went behind clouds and that was that … freezing cold . My parents called and I got to talk to them for a while and that was nice as usual . I told my dad that I was going to start making plans for my independent travel time … Clay and Mike decided to do the unthinkable . They went into the ocean . It was really cold just standing on the beach , let alone in the cold water ! I didn 't go in , but instead documented their stupidity with my camera . When they got out , we started back to the apartment … shiverring . Later that evening , we went to the Hard Rock Café again , but this time to celebrate Aman 's birthday . He was turning 25 and he wanted another dose of American food on his birthday . None of us objected . After eating , we got together at the girls ' apartment for the birthday party and that was a lot of fun . I was very tired for some reason , and I fell asleep at one point . When I woke up ( I wasn 't sleeping long ) , I walked back to my apartment with Dave . Then it was bedtime . I forgot to say yesterday that I received care packages from home ! I got Macaroni and Cheese ( 6 boxes ! ) , peanut butter , candy , gum , a pair of shorts ( I forgot them ) , some cookies , more Zest , Office for Mac , and they got me the DVD Shark Tale . That definitely made my week ! Tonight I made the Mac ' n Cheese and it was delicious ! It 's crazy how much I missed that taste . We went out to some bars to hang out and meet people … of course , I didn 't drink . At one of the places we went to an English guy by the name of Paul talked to some of us about his travels to America and stuff and we told him the usual ( we 're going to school in Barcelona , etc ) . Before he had to go , he said that he wanted to share one important thing with us . He said " God Bless America . " He then told us how his girlfriend was suffering from a brain anuerism and he took her to a hospital in California and they were able to make her all better again . He told us that " no matter what we think other people think about us ( Americans ) , there are still a lot of people that love and support America . " That was awesome to hear … definitely made my night . I haven 't written all week , but there hasn 't been anything to really write about . It has just been class and working on my group research project poster . Actually , I take that back . On Monday , we had a field trip with our professor Suzanne Strum to Colónial Güell which is located about 20 minutes outside of the heart of Barcelona . We took the FGC train to it and it wasn 't too bad . It was a nice place that was made of masonry buildings . It was basically a small town . One piece of architecture that we spent time looking at was a church designed by Antonio Gaudí . The church was never finished ( and never will be ) , but what exists is the crypt . It was very pretty inside with butterfly - like stained glass cross windows . Very colorful . I , of course , took pictures . It was a nice field trip , but it made us late to our next class . The funny thing was that our prof was late too , so we didn 't miss anything at all . But like I said before , nothing ( outside of the small field trip ) really has happened this week except working on the research poster . The group I 'm in has done an awesome professional job and our professor likes it a lot . I 've gotten to learn and use the program Adobe Illustrator , so that 's a plus for me . I 've always attempted to work with the program , but I usually just ended up using Photoshop or something else . But , Illustrator is a good program and I know that from now on , I am going to be using it for a lot of things … especially since I now know how to . This afternoon , I spent some time trying to catch up with people through email , etc . I 've really gotten behind and I 've " neglected " a lot of friends from back home . There are some emails that I haven 't replied to since I 've been here . The bad part is that there really isn 't a lot of time for me to sit down and write to everyone . That 's one of the main reasons why I put this journal online is so that it saves time ( even though writing this takes time ) . The bad thing is that I always feel guilty for saying that I don 't have aposted by Adan @ 11 : 55 PM 1 comments I got up early and went to church . I went back to the one that I had gone two a few weeks ago . It was nice to see familiar faces from last time . Again , it was quite an experience because a lot of the service was in Catalan . The sermon was in Castellano ( what I consider " real Spanish " ) , so I was able to understand what he was saying a little better . I still don 't have 100 % comprehension , but I 'm getting there . I 'm probably at around 40 % to be honest . I just really need to work on my vocabulary and tenses . We had communion , which was something I have missed out on since I 've been here . I was beginning to think that I was going to have to go to a Catholic mass in order to receive that sacrament , but I lucked out today . It was really nice . One thing that really stuck out to me as being different was that when we said the Lord 's Prayer , everyone was saying it in Spanish . I mean , duh , they won 't say it in English , but it just caught me off guard because I only know it in English . So I said it in English while everyone else said it in Spanish . It was cool . . . like speaking in tongues or something . After the sermon , when I was waiting to talk to the pastor ( whose name is Ralph . . . I had forgotten ) , I was approached by a few people . I stumbled through Spanish and they talked 100mph . . . it was all good . One guy talked to me for a long time and was introducing me to people and stuff . He would say something like " this is Adán , he 's from the United States . . . Texas . . . he speaks English and a little Castellano . " A few times it sounded like he said that I only spoke English and I was thinking " hello ? I 'm trying here ! . . . " But it great . He didn 't speak any English at all ( except for like " hello " and " goodbye " ) , so it really forced me to listen hard and try to understand what he was saying . A few times I understood most of what he was saying , but I still had to do the whole smile and nod thing . It was great . We exchanged contact information . His name is Guillermo and he 's probably in his late 30s orposted by Adan @ 10 : 30 PM 2 comments Today the guys went to Park Güell to throw the frisbee . It was great . Unfortunately , we hit some people sometimes , but the funny thing is that a frisbee is the only thing that you can hit someone with and everything is okay . They just pick it up and toss it back . While we were there , my parents called me and I was able to talk to them for a while . It was good not to have the road noise from outside my apartment and I had a good signal too . It was a beautiful day here , but apparently it wasn 't so nice in San Antonio . After talking with my parents , we met up with Susana , Viri , and Estela at the park and walked around with them for a while . We hiked up the hill that we had been to the first time we were there so that we could show them the awesome view of the city . The sun was in and out of clouds , but there was this one moment where it peaked through and we could see a beam of light cut across the city . It was awesome . After that , we all got on the Metro and headed to Passeig de Gracia to find a place to eat tapas . Eating tapas is a Spanish cultural thing and I had yet to do it . It 's basically little finger foods that you eat together at a bar or restaurant . We each ordered some and got some Sangria ( another cultural thing ) . The tapas were delicious and the Sangria tasted great too . I only had a little bit of Sangria , just to get the taste and the experience , but it still made me a little lightheaded . Not too bad though . Then we headed to an Italian ice cream shop and got some ice cream . That was awesome as well . We had a good time with the girls and when we got on the Metro , we made plans to go out later , but it turned out that we were all too tired to follow through with it . That was fine with me since I had to get up early for church anyway . Around midnight I received a pleasant surprise . Katy , one of my really good friends , called me and I got to talk to her for a little bit . It was nice to hear another familiar voice from back home . . . Later it became time for bed . The last few days have been nothing but class and working on our studio project . We have a lot of research to do regarding the district of Gracia and we 've come up with some great information as a group . We have to " map " the area and find suitable sites for temporary housing . The thing is , that we 're going really deep into the city as a whole and the specific areas in order to prioritize when different activities occur throughout the day and things like that . We 've gotten really specific and detailed with some things that you wouldn 't normally do in a project back in the states . It 's like we 've become urban planners and a whole bunch of other fields other than just architectural designers . Like , we haven 't even begun to design a building of any sort . . . at all . And what makes it even more funny ( for me ) is that I 'm not even totally focussing on architecture . But , I 've learned so much about other stuff , that I 'm better off for it no matter what I end up doing with my life . All this information that we 're gathering needs to be displayed in some sort of graphical matter ( because no one likes to just sit and read text of statistics and things like that ) , so that 's where my expertise really comes in handy . I can 't really explain all that we 're doing in a few paragraphs at the moment , but once we condense things down , and make it more graphical , it will be easier to talk about . . . Yesterday was Ryan 's birthday and after we spent what seemed like forever working on research , we went out . We went to Hard Rock Cafe . There were 14 of us , so the wait ended up being an hour and a half . We hung out inside and talked and stuff , I went outside for a few minutes and took some pictures of Plaça Catalunya at night , and periodically " bugged " ( flirted with ) the hostess until we were seated . I felt like I was back in the states again . The menu had English , there was American food , American music playing , we got to talk and order in English . . . it was great . When the food came , it was even better ! Aweposted by Adan @ 3 : 45 PM 0 comments We had class until 2 : 30pm and then it was more working on our research . I found a cool program online through the Barcelona website where you can do a virtual flyby over the city and capture satellite images . We spent most of the night getting maps together ( because that 's what we had to do for the district of Gracia that we are researching ) . I spent a lot of time stitching photos together of maps in photoshop and then we took a Valentine 's Day break . Dave went on a date with Jennifer K . ( his girlfriend ) , and Mike , Scott S . , Ryan , and I got together and hung out as singles . We ended up watching 2Fast , 2Furious . . . but I left during the middle of it to go clean up my room , do some more laundry , and work on the project a little more . Then it was time for bed . . . Great Valentine 's Day . Last night was really fun . We went over to Suvirianastella 's place ( that 's my nickname for it now . . . it contains all of their names ) at like 11 : 45pm . They had some munchies and stuff and it was fun to hang out and stuff . It was all of the Aggies and some of the other Monterrey students . They had a really nice , big apartment . . . and they 're paying less that we are for our apartment . So now we ( the guys ) are even more determined to find a new place to live . Some of our profs are willing to help us out and stuff . And the study abroad office at A & M said that if we find something cheaper . . . or something else better , they 'll work it out to make sure that we can move . We stayed at the girls ' place until around 3am and then we went out to a dance club . I danced the night / morning away . I got back to my apartment at around 7am . There . I did it . I experienced the Spanish night life . It was pretty fun , but I slept in until like 1 : 30pm , so that wasn 't so great . I did some laundry , hung it up , ate , and then got together with Dave and Ryan to work on some research for our studio project . Then more food , more work , more food . And then in the evening we watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles : The Movie in Mike and Scott 's room . Good times and memories of childhood playing with Ninja Turtles . Then it was bedtime again . When I woke up this morning , I took a shower and then Ryan and I went to SuperSol to get some much needed groceries . After we came back and had a bite to eat , the other guys came down and said that they were going to either go to Park Güell , or to the beach to throw a frisbee around since it was a nice day . And that it was . . . it wasn 't really that cold at all . Going to the beach won the plans , so we put on shorts and t - shirts and headed to the Metro to go to the beach . It was funny seeing the looks that people gave us with what we were wearing . I mean it was like 60 something degrees outside . . . near perfect weather for shorts and people were still bundled up like it was 30 . We got to the beach and threw some frisbees around for a while . Then there was talk of going swimming . Crazy ! It 's February . It 's the Mediterranean . We walked by the water in our bare feet and the water was freezing ! But that didn 't stop us from being idiots . Clay , Mike , Ryan , and I walked out into the water . Next thing we knew Clay was out swimming ( and freezing ) further out in the water . So of course the rest of us had to do it too , hehe . The moment the water hit my chest , it was like instant shock . Everything hurt , it was so cold . But then I started moving around a lot and it " wasn 't so bad . " After we couldn 't stand it any longer , and after we had some pictures taken of us , we got out . It was an experience . On the way back to the Metro , I saw this guy rollerblading that looked like our photography prof , Diego . I had remembered him saying something about liking to rollerblade or something , so I mentioned it to the group . Sure enough , it really looked like him and we called out " Diego ! " to see if it was him . It was ! Okay , this is starting to get rediculous as far as me running into new people I 've met in locations I wouldn 't normally see them . We talked to him for a little bit and then went back to the apartment . My parents had called when I was freezing in the water , so while Ryan was taking a shower , I got them to calposted by Adan @ 7 : 15 PM 0 comments I woke up , packed up my stuff , and put it in the room we were supposed to keep our stuff in ( since we weren 't leaving Madrid until 3pm ) . I had told Viri , Estela , and Susana that there were some of us going to a contemporary museum , so I waited for them in the lobby . We were going to go as a whole group ( my friends from A & M ) , but they got too anxious and left . I stuck behind because I had told the girls that we were going to wait for them in the lobby . I didn 't want them to get there and no one be there . So it turned out that Ryan , Scott L , Viri , Estella , Susana , and I went to a museum . It turns out that we went to a different one than the other group , but it was still fun . We got to see a lot of paintings in person that we had only seen in books before . Time was begining to fly by and we hadn 't eaten yet and had to be back at a certain time , so we got on the Metro and went back to the mall across from the hotel for food . We ate real fast , ran to the hotel , up to the 5th floor to get our luggage , and then put it on the bus , sat down , and started the journey back to Barcelona . I sat up in the front area with the new girls that I had met and with more of the people of Monterrey . It was a good opportunity to be around a lot of Spanish speakers . Viri and Estela both know English very well , but Susana wants to work on hers more . She knows a lot more English than I know Spanish , so she 's helping me with my Spanish and I 'm helping her with her English . We got to watch There 's Something About Mary and Ana and the King in Spanish on the way back . I was surprised at a lot that I could understand in the movie . I mean , I had seen them both before , so I knew the plots , but it was still good practice to watch and listen in Spanish . We got back to Barcelona around 11pm and there was talk of going out later . I was all up for it since tomorrow is Saturday and I hadn 't really gone out while I was in Madrid , so I was rested . But the plans fell through until tomorrow night . That 'll be fun . Today , we had another day in Madrid . We walked around some more and saw some contemporary buildings around the city . We got a special tour of the construction of an extension to the Prado Museum . It was lame at first because it was a construction site , but as we were told things about what was being done , it became pretty interesting . I 'd like to come back sometime after it 's finished to see how it turned out . . . After that , we got on the bus and headed to Escorial to see a monastery . It was the biggest on in Europe ( if I recall correctly ) . It was really neat . When we got to the city , we noticed that there was snow all over the place . Apparently it had snowed recently , but when we stepped off the bus , it wasn 't really that cold at all . But we had fun throwing snowballs at each other on the walk up to the monastery . Inside , it was basically a museum that went through the history of the monastery . It was pretty interesting . I took some good pictures of the building with snow on the ground and on the mountains in the background . Very pretty . Then we came back , and did the usual : found something to eat , take a nap , etc . We didn 't have to check out of the hotel until 11am the next morning , so there was talk of going out . I didn 't really bring anything to " go out " in , so I headed to the mall to go back to a store where I had found a good sale a few days ago . I was able to get some pants and a nice shirt for only 9 . 90 EUR each . I almost got some shoes , but I wanted to look around more before buying some . By the time I was going to go back to the store to get them , it was closing up , so I took that as a sign to wait . I went back to the hotel room and got ready in my new European clothes . I was hanging out with people and then I had heard that it was going to cost like 15 EUR to get into the club that they were going to and I was like " forget it ! " I wasn 't alone , so that was good . Those of us that decided to sleep instead , got together and watched some episodes of Family Guy before going to bed . Today , we got on the bus and drove to Toledo . When we got there , it was very cold ! We drove up to a lookout area where we could get a good glimpse of the whole city . It was beautiful . The city has pretty much been locked down as far as new construction is concerned , so a lot of the very old buildings are still there . We got on the bus and went into the city . Toledo is located on a hill , so all of the walking we did was up and downhill . Very tiring . We walked around as a group at first , and then we split up to go see different areas on our own . Before the guides turned us loose , they gave us some crazy news . It turned out that ETA ( the terrorist group in Spain ) set off a car bomb in Madrid that morning . Their target was nowhere near where we were staying or where we would be , but it was still weird . It would have been a lot scarier if we had been in Madrid at the time , but since we were in another city , it was less scary . When we got the news , it was only like 3am back home in Texas , so I had a few hours before I would call my parents and let them know I was safe . I had stopped to go to the bathroom in a restaurant before we headed out in groups , and when I came out , everyone was gone except one of the guides to lead me to the rest . But it turned out that people had already gone off and about , so I stuck around with the guides because they said that they were going to go to the cathedral . I followed them , but I stopped to take a picture of something and next thing I knew , I was " lost . " So , I spent the next 20 minutes or so trying to catch up and find my way around by myself . The trip was begining to stink because I didn 't want to just go do stuff by myself . But God helped me out . I ran into some people from Monterrey . Turns out it was Viri ( the birthday girl ) , Estela , and Susana . They 're awesome and I hung out with them for the rest of the day . We went into the cathedral and walked around and took pictures even though it wasn 't allowed . It made for fun times . I mean , we had to pay 5 . 50 EUR to get into a posted by Adan @ 11 : 45 PM 0 comments Today we had a long day of walking around . We got to see a lot of Madrid and that was really cool . It is a very nice city . . . very different from what I 'm used to seeing in Barcelona . For one thing , it 's a lot newer than Barcelona . The city plan is more spread out , but when you look at a map , it looks like someone just scribbled the roads on a piece of paper . Barcelona has an easy grid , so it 's easier to navigate . Our tour guides new where they were going , so that was good . . . otherwise , we would have gotten lost fast . We got to see the Royal Palace , or Palacio Real , cathedral , and many other cites within the city . One really crazy thing that happened when we were walking around was that I saw someone I recognized . It took me a second because it was so weird . I saw the guy that cut my hair in Barcelona last week ! It was crazy . I went up to him and called his name , and he turned around . All Spanish left me at the moment , so I made a gesture that he had cut my hair . I think he understood and recognized me , even though I was wearing a beanie over my head . It 's a small world . That was the third time I 've run into someone here in Spain in an odd place . Toño , our Spanish teacher , was in our car on the Metro . . . and I spotted Alba , our coordinator , at a Metro stop on another side of town in Barcelona . But running into the guy that cut my hair in another city . . . that topped it off . After a long day of walking and seeing the sites , we got some food in the mall across from the hotel again . It was definately nap time . We woke up around 10 : 30pm and started to get ready to go out . Our tour guides told a few of us where they were going to be and other people were planning on going out to dance . One of the girls I had met in the morning , Viri , is turning 22 tomorrow , so they were planning on going out . I ended up going out with some of my friends to some bar to meet up with the tour guides . Since I don 't drink , I was very thirsty by the end of the night . It was nice to get to talk to the tour guides though . I got to learnposted by Adan @ 11 : 55 PM 0 comments It was really nice . The Spanish country is really pretty with a lot of hills , mountains , and rock formations . Some parts of the ride reminded me of traveling through the hill country in Texas . I took some pictures every once in a while . We even saw some snow on the ground ! When we finally got to Madrid , we got to see a totally different Spanish city . Madrid is very new compared to Barcelona , and the city grid is a little different . The architecture looked cool right off the bat . I 'm going to enjoy the next few days . It was 2 degrees Celsius when we arrived and it was raining . We unloaded the bus and got our keys and went to our hotel rooms . They are really nice . There 's a TV , so that 's cool too . After we were inside for about 20 minutes , we decided to head outside and walk around looking for food . We walked down the road to the left and didn 't find anything , so we walked back toward the hotel and went into the mall that 's across the street . It had a food court type area , so we were able to eat . Then people went every which way . I spent some time window shopping and seeing what kinds of prices the stores had for clothes and stuff . After that , I came back to the hotel room and now we 're going to just hang out until it 's time to go to bed . We have to be downstairs by 7 : 30am to eat and then we 're leaving at 8 : 30 to start the " field trip . " I can 't wait ! When I woke up , it was raining again ! It 's crazy . . . it hadn 't rained the entire time we 've been here until yesterday for a few minutes . I have a long day of laundry ahead of me since we 're going to Madrid tomorrow for a few days . I did some laundry and hung it up to dry . While that was happening , Mike , Scott S . , Ryan , and I went to Park Industrial because one of our professors had talked about it in class . It wasn 't super exciting , but I took some pictures and we played on a big sculpture of a dragon for a little bit . We could hear someone talking on a microphone in a square next to the Metro stop we got off at , so we headed in the direction of the sound . Turned out that there was going to be a parade going on for Carnaval . Carnaval is kind of like a Mardi Gras / Halloween for Barcelona . People dress up silly and have parties and parades and stuff . We stayed in that area and watched a lot of the parade . It started to get cold , so we headed back to the apartment and got together to watch some comedy . Then I packed a little bit for Madrid and went to bed . I had to get up a little earlier than I wanted in order to finish packing my clothes that wouldn 't be dry until morning . I woke up , got ready , and went to the girls ' apartment because they invited us over for breakfast . It was great . They cooked eggs , pancakes , crepes , and there was fruit and coffee and everything ! It was some good eating . Afterward , we made our way to the couches to vege for a while . We turned on the TV and watched some music videos . During that time , I got a call from my parents , so I went to another room to talk . It was good to hear their voices again . Well , my mom was sick and lost her voice , but I could still talk to her and know that she was on the other side of the conversation . I made her laugh , and that was nice . They gave me some sad news though . It turns out that one of the older ladies at my church , Lola Mae , had passed away . This hit me really hard . She was an awesome person and every time I saw her at church I would give her a hug . It got to the point where she looked forward to my hugs on the Sundays I was home . The Sunday before I left I had made an effort to go up to my dad 's sunday school classroom and say goodbye to them since I wouldn 't be home for a semester . And on of the things I did was give Lola Mae a hug . I didn 't know that it was going to be the last one I 'd give her . . . I don 't know why it hit me so hard when I heard that she had died , but I think it 's because I 've never really had anyone close to me die . And it 's even worse that I 'm so far away . I will miss her , but I know where she is now so that makes things easier . May God bless her and her family . On a lighter note , I went to a museum in the afternoon . It turns out that the Museu Marítim is free after 3pm on the first Saturday of the month . So I went with Dave , Ryan , and Jennifer . Mike and Scott S . had gone a little before us also . It was a really neat museum . It went through the history of Barcelona as a port city . There were a lot of models of ships and that was cool . We spent a few hours in the museum and then came back to the apartment . The girls came over later and we watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind . I hadn 't seen it yet , and it was really good . Yesterday we had our second meeting in studio with Juan Carlos . We talked about our project some more and we got into groups in order to research three different areas of Barcelona in more detail . Dave and I planned on being partners for the final project , and we had an interest in the area we 're living in - - Gracia . Amon , Lindsay , and Ryan had an interest in Gracia as well , so that 's what our research group is going to be . As far as final project , I think Ryan is going to team up with Dave and me . That 'll be good . After class , we started to research a little bit . I found a lot of good information online at the Barcelona website . Dave went to the library with Jennifer and found some good stuff as well . I came back to the apartment and made something to eat and took a nap . When I woke up , some of us got together to go meet up with a friend of a friend of Dave 's named Alex . He lives here in Barcelona , but went to grad school at A & M . We met up with him in Plaça Catalunya and walked around . He was going to take us to a bar to sit down and talk . The place he was going to take us at first was the exact same place that Toño had taken us to the day before , so he decided to take us further down to another place . The place was located next to the the church called the Santa Maria del Mar . It was a beautiful old gothic cathedral and while we waited for the bar to open , some of us went inside the cathedral to look around . It was very nice . I am definately going to go back and take some pictures during the daytime . Once the bar opened , we went in and sat down and were able to sit down and talk ( which was a lot better than walking and talking ) . We each got a glass of wine . Aparently it was " good wine " but I really don 't like the taste of alcohol , so after a few sips , I gave mine away . I wish they had sodas at that place . We had a good time chit chatting and after a while Alex told us he had to get going . He actually lives in a city close by and his train was going to leave at a certain time . But he still walked us to a restaurant that he recommended that we try sometime . It was an Argentinian restaurant and he said that the food was really good . Today , we had our Spanish test . It wasn 't too bad . There were two parts : written and oral . I don 't really like tests , and the oral part kind of put me on the spot . . . it was almost like all of Spanish just left me and I fumbled around in my responses . But Toño knows that I 'm not like that in class , so it was all good . I think it was mainly the questions he was asking me . Like he asked what I was going to be doing tonight , and to be honest I had no idea . But the phrase " yo no se " left me for some reason . And I couldn 't figure out how to say " whatever we decide to do as a group . " Oh well , I got around it with some other phrases . He asked me what I do in the evenings in Texas , and I was able to tell him that I hang out with my friends and we watch TV or movies and other things . It made me really kind of miss my friends back home . . . After class , I came back to the apartment to eat and relax for a while . Then Mike , Dave , and I set out to run some errands . Mike and I needed to get a haircut , so that was the main task at hand . We set out and walked down Escorial to a place that we pass by everyday on the walk home from the Metro . It looked like it was open , but I ran the doorbell and no one came . Dave said that he had seen another place down when we were looking for the market in Gracia the other day . So we set out looking for it . We came across an art supply store that is located not very far from the apartment . I had left my sketchbook at home in San Antonio , so I bought one and a spiral notebook . We asked the clerk if she knew where a barber shop was located and she gave us directions to one a few streets away . We were able to find it and then the fun began . We walked in and a guy asked me if I needed a haircut and I said yes , and then the fun times of language barrier began . It wasn 't too bad though . I understood what he was saying and asking of me . . . it was just hard for me to respond back . I asked how much it was going to cost and he said 12 EUR ( which was less than where Clay had gotten his hair cut at another place ) . The guy , named Hector , then took me to a chair and sink and washed my hair . This was the first time someone has washed my hair other than myself in a long time ( like , since when my parents bathed me when I was little ) . It was really nice . . . even though it was a guy . It was something I was definately not used to in the whole " hair cutting process " back home . He brought me a magazine and asked if I wanted my hair cut like the guy 's in the picture . I said yes , he finished washing my hair , dried it , and then sat me down at another chair and started cutting my hair . It was very different . Instead of just using a razor and shaving the sides , he used all different kinds of scissors and cut the sides and then the top . He also didn 't just measure my hair out and cut it straight across , but instead measured it out and cut in intervals at like a 45 degree angle . When all was said and done , I had an awesome haircut . He then took me back to the sink and washed my hair again , dried it , and then styled it for me . Mike had the same kind of process done also . . . and Dave didn 't need a haircut . We paid and left . I got a business card and it is definately the place I will go to the next time I need a haircut . Hopefully next time I 'll have the same person . We then went back to the apartment to eat and relax for a little bit . The plan was to go out to a club later . Since the night life in Barcelona starts at like 2am , we had some time to kill . We watched a movie and listened to music . When the time came , we got ready and took a cab to a place called Otto Zuts . We had picked up some free passes at a store , so that was good . We met up with the girls outside , so all of us were together . We went in and there weren 't that many people there yet , but we still had fun dancing . As the night went on , more and more people showed up . It started getting really crowded and smoky . There were three different " clubs " within the club and they all played different kinds of music . One was techno , another was 70s music , and the one downstairs was hip hop . It was all music from America , so that was cool being able to know the songs and stuff . We moved around the place for a while and left after a few hours . We took a cab back to the apartment and went to sleep . It was almost 5am . After that , Scott , Mike , Scott , and I went out window shopping . We haven 't really gotten to go into stores and look around at all of the Rebaixes / Rebajas / Sales . I found a store with nice clothes and it looked like everything was on sale for like 14 . 90 EUR . That was the cheapest I 'd seen for nice stuff . Once we were tired of walking around , we headed back to the apartment for food and napping . We then got together in Mike and Scott 's room and watched Star Wars : Episode 2 . Good times . Yesterday was a long day of lectures . They were very interesting , but it was a long day . Nothing new and exciting happened . . . I went to bed early . Today , we had our first studio class . We 've had studio , but it was only for the photography project with Diego Ferrari . Now , we 're getting started with the main bulk of our design studio with Juan Carlos Sanchez . He went through the agenda for the semester and then we finished up class by completing the presentations and critiquing that didn 't happen last Friday . So that meant that my group was able to present . Both Juan and Diego liked the project , but of course , they had constructive criticism to give . Basically they told all of us that what we had done was a very good start . I mean , we only had only about a full week to figure out Barcelona , pick a subject , photograph it , and present it in some way . I think we all did a great job in the amount of time given . And , like the profs said . . . we all now have a good thing that we can expand on if we like . So overall , our project was a success . After that , we didn 't have any more classes for the day , so Mike , both Scotts , and I went and ate at a Chinese food restaurant for lunch . They had very good portions for little money , so that was great . Then we came back to Marti to drop off some stuff and then headed back out to see some more of Barcelona . Mike , Scott S . and I went over to another Olympic site that is on the northern part of the city . It was pretty nice , but it wasn 't too exciting . We looked around and saw an opportunity for adventure . We looked up at all of the huge hills on the outskirts of the city and noticed one close to us that had a single tree near the top . We just had to go see it . So we set off on an almost impossible journey trying to figure out how to get to it . We came about a road that was near the base of the hill and spotted a " trail " that led upward . The trail was very bad , but with some hiking around , we made it to another road that had an area for a scenic lookout . We took some pictures of the city since we had a nice view of it from a different angle than what we had when we climbed the hill outside of Park Güell . But we still had a goal and the tree was still farther up . We managed to climb up some more and found a dirt road that led up in the direction of the tree . But that road stopped near some fenced off area for something . We found a path that led around the fenced area up toward the tree and took that . The path was full of loose dirt and weeds and as we climbed , we wondered how we were going to be able to make it back down without sliding . Somehow , we were able to bushwack up some more and came to where the tree was . Success ! Of course , we took some pictures because of the silliness of the whole adventure . It was nice and windy and we hung out for a little bit . But what we noticed , was that where the tree was . . . that was only a small part of the hill . It went up and out even more ! So , of course , we hiked on . After we went a little farther , we decided that we should start heading down before it got any later . I found a bigger trail that led farther away , but I had a good feeling that it would lead us out . Mike and Scott didn 't want to follow me , but after some convincing , they did . The bushes and thorny weeds were higher than normal , but we made it . It had been part of an actual trail that leads all over the tops of the hills in the area . We even noticed some people on another hill nearby on the same trail . We then followed it down the hill that we were on and made it back to a certain place that we had been before . It turns out that we went up the hardest way possible , and that if we had turned right instead of left at one point . . . it would have saved a lot of time an effort . But what fun is that ? After that excursion , we came back to the apartment . I immediately crashed for a few hours . I woke up , made some dinner and then Ryan and I went up to Mike and Scott 's room and watched the movie Airplane . Now I 'm waiting for my undershirts to finish washing so that I can hang them up to dry . For some reason , when I had set them to wash earlier , the washing machine didn 't use any of the soap . It somehow got clogged . I unclogged it , and here I am waiting . . . |
The morning of September 20th started like any other day , except that today was Leeann 's bachlorette party . My good friend Mindy was coming home today to . She lived in Vancouver and today was the first time I had seen her in a while … though we talked all the time on the phone . We went to a dance class where we learned how to " dance on a bar " , appropriate for a bachlorette party . At the end of the class you had to go out into the main lobby and show what you had learned . There was a group of girls there waiting for their class and we had to dance in front of them . I had this little belly and I remember saying , don 't judge , I am 5 ½ months pregnant ! Little did I know how this day would change that . Later that night we got all dressed up and went out to a club . We took a limo and had a blast on the way there . I obviously wasn 't drinking , but encouraged the others to have a great time , especially Leeann . I kept making frequent trips to the bathroom , which was normal , but on the last trip I felt a gush . I thought , did I just pee myself ? But it was followed by another gush . My heart sank to my stomach because I knew my water had broken . I rushed back to the table to tell the girls I had to go . I think I told Mindy and she want to get Leeann . Tears were already pouring down my face as I rushed to a taxi . Thankfully , our Limo was there waiting for us . Someone explained to him what happened and told him that we needed to get to the hospital right away . I called Brian and tried to explain what was happening through my tears , but he had been with the boys drinking all day . The ironic thing about him being drunk was that we had a deal , he wasn 't going to drink after New years just in case I went into early labour and he had to come to the hospital . It is always so annoying when people come into the hospital and their husband is drunk … and I didn 't want that to be us . No such luck . Knowing that Brian wasn 't in any shape to get to the hospital Lee called her parents ( who were kind of like surrogate parents to me when I first moved away from home . They even came to our wedding in Cuba . ) They were still awake and Lee 's dad Scott went to pick up Brian and Doug ( Mindy 's boyfriend ) As we drove to the hospital I looked at Leeann in the eyes and we both knew what was happening . Leeann is a Labour and Delivery nurse too . We both knew that if my water did just break , I was going to lose my baby . I tried to stop my mind from thinking those thoughts , but when you know as much as I did about the situation I started to loose all hope . There were times where I forgot to breathe because I was in such a panic and my friend Julie just kept rubbing my arm and reminding me to breathe . Leeann even smelled my pants to see if it was amniotic fluid or just urine . Amniotic fluid has this sweeter smell to it , and most L & D nurses can recognize the smell of it . We got to the hospital quickly , though it felt like the longest ride of my life . With every second that went by I felt my hopes and dreams for this baby slowly leaking away . We pulled up the hospital and made our way up to the fourth floor . The girls knew I was coming because Lee called and told them . Being stubborn and trying to pretend this wasn 't happening I insisted walking instead of taking a wheelchair . As I walked the fluid just soaked my jeans . As soon as I saw Lori and Saskia I started to sob . They brought me into triage and Saskia said to me " You know what we have to do " . In triage we have amino sticks , which are a swab that detects amniotic fluid . If they turn black , it is amniotic fluid . I took my pants off and fluid was just dripping down my legs and tears were just pouring down my face . Lee was right there beside me and Mindy and Julie were on the other side of the curtain . I took the swab in my hand swabbed myself and it automatically turned black . My body just collapsed on the bed and I cried harder that I have ever in my life . Lee and Saskia and Lori were just holding me . I heard Mindy and Julie crying on the other side of the curtain . I felt my whole world fall apart at that very moment . Saskia then checked for a fetal heart beat and there still was one , it felt so good and hurt so much to hear his little heart beating because I knew it wasn 't going to be beating for very much longer . Brian came into triage and saw me and looked so scared . One thing about this whole situation is that I know so much about it all because it is my job , but for someone without a background in it all , it can be hard for them to fully understand the situation . I looked at him and tired to explain what happened through my tears and saw his heart breaking . His eyes started to well up and we just hugged each other . Everyone gave us a few minutes by ourselves and we talked about it . Brian kept asking what does this mean , and I tired to explain it but when you are explaining this awful situation to your husband about your baby , it is so much harder . Dr . Joutsi came in and tried to be hopeful . He said we would have an ultrasound in the morning and hope there was another layer of fluid there . In rare cases you can have a small leak in your amniotic sac and it can sometimes seal over or you can have multiple layers in your amniotic sac and one can break and one can stay intact . I tired to be optimistic , but I kept thinking about the amount of fluid I was loosing and in my heart I knew that there wasn 't another layer . I was admitted and went to room 4616 . Everyone came in to get me settled . Mindy 's boyfriend added some comic relief to the situation by stumbling into the room with a half eaten sandwich and a bizarre story of how he got it . He had been drinking with Brian , but hadn 't sobered up like Brian had . Apparently Doug , who is a police officer from B . C , who doesn 't know Newmarket or Southlake hospital at all traveled the hallways for a sandwich for Brian because he thought it would sober him up . When he didn 't find it in the hospital he left and roamed the streets . He came upon a Pizza Pizza which was closed because by this time it was like , 3am . He them came back to the hospital and couldn 't get in because the doors were all locked . He went to the ER and flashed his badge and demanded they let him in . I guess there was a vending machine there and this is where he got the sandwich . He managed to find his way back up the Birthing dept , which is hard for people to do when they are sober because they hospital is like a maze . The funniest part was by the time he got back up my room half the sandwich was gone and he swore he didn 't know where it went . I didn 't want to call everyone at 3am to tell them what happened , but we have a dog at home who would need to go out . Brian decided to call his mom , Joan and ask her to go and get the dog … and then hung up . The thing you need to know about this is Brian 's mom was out the door in like , 30 seconds . I said to Brian , don 't you think you should call her back and explain to her why ? Plus I asked him if the house was locked . He said no , he thought he left it open . Well , of course it was locked , so when Joan tried to get the dog she couldn 't . She looked in the house and saw empty beer bottle from Brian and Doug 's little party and just assumed he was drunk calling her for no real reason . Brian called her back a few minutes later and she was home again . He explained the situation properly this time and she met him at the hospital to get the house key to get the dog . Once everyone had left and things were quiet I couldn 't sleep . I just laid there watching the clock with silent tears running down my face . I still felt the baby moving inside me , and with every movement I cried harder . I was still leaking so much , I kept getting up and going to the bathroom to change my towel . On one trip back from the bathroom I heard my room door open . When I came out I saw Andrea and Sarah . I work with them both on a daily basis and we had become close friends . We looked at each other and all started to cry . They helped my untangle my IV and got me back into bed . They just sat with me for a bit and I explained what happened . They couldn 't believe and really , neither could I . I had spent most of my pregnancy thinking about how I didn 't want to be overdue , never did it cross my mind that this was a possibility . On another trip back from the bathroom I heard my room door again . This time is was my OB , Dr . Dervaitis . She just looked at me as I cried and gave me a huge hug . I could see her eyes getting teary to . The first thing she said to me was " You know this wasn 't because you were out dancing you know that right " . I just cried even harder . She came over and sat down on the bed with Brian and I and we talked for a long time . About statistics , and chances . We talked about what to do and where to go from here . First things first was the ultrasound , once we had that done we would go from there . My nurse for day one was Nicole . Like Andrea and Sarah I worked with Nicole all the time , so it was comforting to have her taking care of me . An non - emergent ultrasound can take all day at the hospital , so I knew we were in for a wait . It was about 8am by the time and I wanted to call my family . I called my parents first because it was Sunday morning and I wanted to talk to my dad before he left for work . I knew my mom would be sleeping , but I called anyway . My dad answered and I just started to cry . I told him what happened and he told me how sorry he was . We talked about it for a bit , and I asked him to call my sister and let her know . I told him not to wake up my mom , but have her call me when she did . Within 5 minutes my sister called me back . I could hear the sadness and fear in her voice , she asked if I wanted her to come up here , and within a few hours she was giving me a hug . That morning was a blur of faces and information . Dr . Jousti said goodbye , and Dr . Mantay said hello . She sat down with Brian and I we talked . Everyone was so great at making sure we had the time to talk about what was happening , how we were feeling and answering any questions that we had . We weren 't going to make any decisions until we did the ultrasound . Nicole came back in and did her morning assessment . She asked me if I wanted to hear the baby 's heart beat - I said yes . I needed to hear it and know he was okay . His little heart was still beating strong . I wanted people to know where we were , but at the same time I didn 't , because if they didn 't know it was like I could be in denial for a bit longer . Our baseball team was supposed to play in the playoff that morning , and for obvious reasons Brian wasn 't going to be able to be there . He sent hid friend Dan a text message saying that I was in the hospital and that we couldn 't be there . Dan messaged him back and asked what was going on . I think the exact message was something like " You can 't just say that and nothing else , is everything okay ? " The thing you need to know about our group of friends is that we are all close knit , if something is going on everyone knows about it , not because they are nosy , but because they genuinely care . Sarah , who is one of my close friends , and Dan 's girlfriend called me to find out if I was okay . I told her what was happening but made it sound more hopeful than I really knew it was . I didn 't want everyone to worry , plus deep down inside I was hanging onto that last thread of hope . That little thread of hope came in the form of a pocket of amniotic fluid the size of a finger nail . I finally had my ultrasound later Sunday afternoon , and when the results came back I was told that there was a small pocket of fluid . All my medical knowledge went out the window and my motherly instincts took over . I thought , okay , maybe just maybe , there is a chance . Maybe the leak has sealed over and maybe the baby was producing fluid . Maybe things were going to be okay . For the first time since my water broke I had a glimmer of hope . Brian and I talked about this with Dr . Mantay . We made a plan to do another ultrasound on Wednesday or Friday and go from there . If there was no fluid then we would know that the leak was not sealed and that the baby had no chance , then we would have to induce labour because the chance of infection for me were so high , and there really wasn 't a chance of the baby surviving . But if there was fluid then maybe things were going to be okay . After Dr . Mantay left I tried to get some sleep , but I still couldn 't shut off my brain . Silent tears were rolling down my face as I thought of the chance of losing my baby . I had just started to feel him kick , I would never see his first steps or hear his first giggle . It hurt my heart so badly I didn 't know what to do . I looked over to Brian and knew we had to have a really difficult discussion . What were we going to do ? If there wasn 't anymore fluid - what then ? Did we both have the strength to make the decision that would need to me made ? When I graduated and first started Nursing I worked on a High Risk Pregnancy unit , and it was the hardest place I have ever had to work . I remember working with people in the same situation as I was now . Medically speaking , when a baby is born before 24 weeks gestation the baby is not considered viable , meaning that our little guy , who was only 21 weeks had no real chance . We talked about all the " what if 's " possible . What if I made it to 24 weeks with no fluid , and with fluid . And even then the chances of his survival we not that great . From what I remember 50 % of all babies who are born at 24 weeks will die , and of the 50 % those who survived a high percentage rate would be severely handicapped . I was so angry because I felt like our little guy never got the chance to be who he was supposed to be . What was his quality of life going to be like ? And how would it change out lives ? As I looked at Brian tears just poured down my face . His too . I looked into Brian 's eyes and saw how long his eyelashes were and thought , I wonder if our baby would have long eyelashes too . It was all so painful . After lots of talking and many tears later we decided that we would wait for another ultrasound and hope for the best , but we both know that if there was no fluid that we would do an induction . We both knew that that was not the way that our baby 's life was meant to be lived . Now all we had to do was wait , and hope . The support form our friends and family continued over the next week . It was amazing how people dropped everything as soon as they heard . Phone calls , visits , flowers and gifts were overwhelming . It was so nice to see that we were so loved , but at the same time I wished we anywhere but where we were . At the end of that first day I asked for something to help me sleep , since I knew my brain wouldn 't shut off without some much needed help . My nurse , Louise , who is fabulous by the way , drugged me up with 2 sleeping pills . In retrospect I really only needed one , because when I got up to try and go the bathroom that night I felt drunk . I couldn 't even get to the bathroom without stumbling all over like a drunken fool . The next night I only took one pill . Dr . Dervaitis was amazing , she came in every day to see us . She was back in on Friday so we decided that if it came down to it , we would do the induction then . What was so hard about Friday was that was Leeann 's wedding . I was supposed to be a bridesmaid . When Lee came into see me I told her that she was going to need to replace me . She said there was no one who could replace me . We both cried . I wanted to badly to be there to see her get married , but we both knew I couldn 't . Nicole mentioned to us that floor was really busy , but they would do there best to keep me on this side . Because I was not in " active labour " I could have been monitored on the postpartum unit , but at the same time I didn 't want to leave the comforting care of my co - workers , so I kind of begged Nicole to keep me there . At the end of the day I was able to stay on the unit , but I had to switch rooms . I moved down the hall to 4623 , the room where things were about to change . On Wednesday morning Nicole asked if we wanted to have the ultrasound that day . Part of me really wanted to know if there was more fluid , but at the same time I wasn 't really sure I wanted to know . After some discussion we decided to go ahead and do it . I remember the ultrasound technician taking a really long time looking at my belly . I hoped that was a good sign . I went back to the room with Brian and waited for the results . My sister Michelle was in visiting , she had been there everyday that week since she heard . Everytime Nicole came in to check on me I would ask her if she knew anything yet , but the results weren 't back yet . Looking back , I wonder now if she really did know , but was too heartbroken to tell me . How do you tell your friend that she is going to lose her baby ? After lunch Nicole came back in and told me the results were back . I thought that we would have to wait for the Dr . to tell us , but she told us instead . There was no fluid . It felt like my heart stopped beating and the whole world came to a standstill . I knew , without doubt at that very moment , that it was over . Brian and I just held each other crying . My poor sister was in the room when we found out and I saw her heart break too . Our entire world had just fallen apart and we couldn 't even begin to pick up the pieces because the hardest part was still to come . I knew we had to call our parents and tell them what we had just found out , but I couldn 't face that just then . I had to get out of the hospital , even just for a few hours . We got permission to leave for a little while and we went to see our puppy at Brian 's moms . As soon as we pulled up I could see her jumping up at the door . We went in and I wanted to sit outside . I had been cooped up inside for almost a week , it felt nice to breathe in the fresh air . I sat on back deck and just cried . Riley , our puppy came out and licked the tears from my face . Dogs just have a way of knowing when you are sad and try to make things better . Brian 's mom Joan came out and sat with me and I just cried and cried . It was all so unfair . Why was our baby being taken from us . What did I do to deserve this ? I just kept crying Why , why why ? It hurt so much and there was nothing that was going to make it better . When we called my parents and Brian 's dad and step mom it was the same thing again - I could hear the pain in their voices . They all wanted to come up and be there for us but we asked them not to . This was something that Brian and I had to do on our own , we didn 't want everyone there at the hospital , but we said we would love to see them after . As I told my friends the news I lied a bit and said that we still going to have an ultrasound on Friday and hope for the best . I knew that they were all going to Leeann 's wedding and I hoped that that would distract them . Only a few people know the truth . Friday , we were going to have to do the hardest thing of our lives . Thursday was bitter sweet . It was the Survivor - Grey 's Anatomy - ER premiere night , it was also the might before Leeann 's wedding . Mindy , Leeann , Sarah and Michelle all joined me for a hospital movie premiere . I made all the girls promise that they wouldn 't tell Lee want was happening tomorrow because I wanted her to be able to focus on her wedding . Brian has some time with his guy friends that night too . It was really nice to see how the guys all came together to help him through this too . It wasn 't just me losing my baby , it was his baby too . Cheryl , a terrific nurse came into see us . We talked for a bit and she mentioned that she was in tomorrow , and asked if she could be my nurse tomorrow . Without thinking about it I said of course she could , and then I realized what tomorrow was . I said that to Cheryl , and she said that she did . It was really nice to know that someone was willing to go through this with us , step by step . I had a really hard time sleeping that night , despite the sleeping pill . K . C , another amazing nurse on my unit sat down with me while I cried . She talked about her life experiences and how her daughter had been through something similar , and that she knew how hard it was . I just remember thinking how unfair life was , and if there was a God - what was he thinking ? Friday morning arrived . We didn 't have another ultrasound , we didn 't even listen to his heart beat that day . Part of me had hoped that he had already passed , so it wouldn 't be so hard when he was born . Dr . Dervaitis came in asked if we had any questions about what was going to happen . I asked , through tears if it was going to hurt . It was different for everyone , she explained . Some people just feel cramping , others feel full contractions and need something for pain relief . Everything was available for pain relief , I just need to ask . The induction was going to be done through Misoprotal tabs , placed vaginally . They were meant to ripen the cervix and start labour , given 4 hours apart . After all our questions were answered and there was nothing else to do Cheryl handed me the tablets to insert myself . I went into the bathroom and cried some more . Was this really happening , was I really going to experience labour and birth today , all to lose my son ? I inserted the tablets and went back out to my bed . Nothing much happened for the first hour , but then I started to cramp . I have a nervous bowels , and when I am stressed out things happen if you know what I mean . I had the sensation like I had to go to the bathroom , but at the same time when in labour and you are fully dilated and ready to push you sometimes have the sensation like you need to go to the bathroom so I called Cheryl in to check my cervix . I was only 1cm , and the pressure was just my nervous bowels . I wouldn 't be so lucky to have this over and done with so soon . Four hours came and went and I needed another dose . This dose did the trick and I started to cramp almost immediately . I asked for something for pan relief and Cheryl gave me Demerol . This seemed to take a little bit of the edge off , and things settled down . While I was having these contractions Cheryl stayed right by my side talking me through each one . Poor Brian looked helpless , like all men do when their wife is in labour , but my heat was aching for him too . The contractions seemed to get worse and worse so Cheryl gave me even more Demerol - which wasn 't enough . I tried using the Entonox , which worked only for a few minutes . I remember rocking back in forth in the bed thinking I can 't handle this for much longer . I asked for an epidural . I learned something as a nurse that day - it doesn 't matter the size of your baby , it is the intensity of your contractions that makes it all so painful . And let me tell you , it was painful . By 5 : 30 I got the epidural and things were much more comfortable from there . Brian and I talked about everything and we decided to name our little guy Jackson . We had talked a little bit about names before , but hadn 't decided on anything because we thought we had a lot more time . As time passed I really hoped that I would be able to deliver Jackson before Cheryl went home , but she said she had planned on staying anyway . One thing I would like to point out is that as a Nurse who works 12 hour shifts from 7 : 30 to 7 : 30 , it is such a pain when there are change of shift deliveries . All of a sudden out of nowhere I felt that unmistakable rectal pressure that I was talking about before . I called to the nursing station for Cheryl . She came and checked my cervix and I was fully dilated . She called for help , and Donna and Dr . Dervaitis came in . Three small pushes later Jackson Brian was brought into the world at 7 : 29pm . Dr . Dervaitis asked if I wanted to hold him and I said yes . She put him into my arms and I just looked at him in awe . He was just so perfect . His little eyes were still fused shut because he was so premature , and he was bruised because he was born breech - but he was perfect . I looked at Brian we both had looks of love and sadness on our faces . After a few minutes I asked Brian if he wanted to hold him , and he said yes . As soon as I passed him to Brian , Jackson took a breath and moved . This made me so happy because I was so sad that Brian didn 't get to feel him move inside of me . And until that moment I wasn 't sure that he was even alive . Watching Brian hold his son in his arms gave me a whole new level of respect and admiration for the man I married . At that moment Brian and I had become parents , and even though we were going to lose Jackson , we were both forever changed . It was a good thing that I got that epidural because my placenta didn 't want to come out , which is common with early losses . It is like your body knows it is too soon for the baby to be born and it doesn 't want to let the placenta go . Dr . Dervaitis had to do a manual removal of the placenta , and without being too graphic it involved a lot of uncomfortable digging , pulling and pushing . Thankfully it looked like she got it all out , because if she hadn 't been able to I would have had to have gone for a D & C and would have missed holding Jackson for the few minutes he was alive . After getting cleaned up Brian passed Jackson back to me and I just looked at him . I felt so much sadness and wanted to cry but couldn 't . It was the oddest feeling not being able to cry . I wasn 't sure if I had just cried so much in the week prior that I had no tears left or if it was a defense mechanism by my body to just go numb . I had so many things I wanted to say to Jackson , how sorry I was and how sad I was that I didn 't get to know him , but all I could do was look at him and think why ? Jackson lived until 8 : 55 , and we held him until his heart took it 's last beat . Cheryl was so great , she took pictures of us holding him for a memory book . After all that she said goodbye to us and went home long after her shift ended . I am not sure she will ever know how much it meant to us to have her there . . It was a horrible situation , but she made it so much better . They way she just sat and talked to us and they way she drugged me up because as much as I was out of it , it made it easier . She was also there for Brian too , because he needed the support too . We were both really tired and I was pretty drugged . After we called our families to tell them about Jackson we both got some much needed sleep . I asked the girls to keep him on the floor because I couldn 't stand the thought of him being by himself in a dark cold morgue . They kept him in a empty room for us because it was too hard to keep him right there with us . By 6am I had " sobered " up enough from all the medications and went down to hold him and had a really good cry . I got to say all the things I wanted to say to him , which really helped . I told him about all the hopes and dreams I had for him , and how I was so sad that they weren 't going to happen . I told him how he was so loved , from the minute we knew about him . I told him that that love would never leave . I told him how sorry I was that he never had a the chance to become the person he was supposed to . I wasn 't really able to get back to sleep that morning so I lied awake thinking about what we had lost . I wondered how I was going to be able to go on . I felt so much sadness it was overwhelming , I literally felt like my heart was broken and it was never going to heal . We had to arrange things with the funeral home for Jackson 's cremation . We waited until they came to pick him up and then we got ready to go home . Saskia and Lori were back on that day . It felt like we had gone full circle , from coming in with ruptured membranes with some hope to going home after losing our baby - and they were both there for the beginning and the end . I am a wife , a sister , a daughter , a friend , but most importantly a mother . Our son Jackson was born @ 22 weeks after my water broke too soon . He was born alive , weighing exactly 1 lb . He was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen . Sadly , he only lived for 1 hour and 36 minutes . Losing our son was the hardest thing I had ever been through . We have since started to TTC again , only to have had to endure two early losses ( 6 & 8 weeks ) . My heart hurts and I am trying to heal . What makes it harder is I am a L & D nurse so I am surrounded by it on a daily basis . I am trying to decide if I can even go back to work . Day by day I will make it through , but with each loss it is getting harder and harder . |
Ok , so I promised I would do better about posting to the blog . Problem is , even though I talk constantly with my Facebook friends , I get here and I can 't think of anything interesting to say ! Of course , it 's entirely possible I don 't say anything interesting on Facebook either ! But I thought perhaps I 'd start off with something fun . Perfume . I love perfume . I think every woman ought to have a signature scent . I smell Emeraude and I think of my grandmother . White Linen smells like my mom . My best friend is Chanel No5 . I spent much of my 20s looking for that perfect scent that said " me " . If I found something I liked , they often discontinued it . Sometimes a scent that smelled wonderful on someone else , like Clinique 's Happy , didn 't smell as great on my own skin . And sometimes I fell in love with a fragrance and my boyfriend hated it . . . which sort of defeats the purpose , doesn 't it ? He and I went round and round about perfume for several years . Either I loved it and he didn 't , or he loved it and I didn 't . Victoria 's Secret used to make a pear scent that one of my co - workers came in wearing one day . I thought it was wonderful and spent a good portion of my paycheck that week on Pear Glace perfume , lotion and soap , only to find that he couldn 't stand the smell of it ! ( My co - worker 's boyfriend had the same reaction to it , by the way . . . go figure ! ) Finally , I said , " It 's Christmas . Go to Victoria 's Secret and Bath & Body Works and pick out something YOU like the smell of . Anything but Happy Daisy . That smells like a funeral . " Naturally , when he got there all he could remember was Happy Daisy and I got - - I kid you not - - a bucket - load of that as my Christmas present ! I had about given up on finding my own signature scent when I wandered into a little shop that sold handmade soaps and perfume oils . I always thought that perfume oils were used to make a fragrance and I had no idea that you could actually use them directly on your skin as perfume ! I picked a lovely honeysuckle ( always one of my favorite scents ) and the lady showed me how to fill the roll - on bottle ( like a lip gloss ) and use it on your pulse points . A little bit goes a long way with perfume oil . My boyfriend loved it ( finally ! success ! ) and I got many compliments on it . I remember being in an auto parts store one afternoon and a man actually calling his wife over to smell me ! That was a hoot and sent me right back to the store to buy an enormous bottle of this wonderful honeysuckle - - a wise move , since shortly thereafter the store went out of business and I have no idea who the manufacturer of my signature scent is ! You don 't have to use a lot when you use perfume oil , so that large bottle has lasted for years . I 'm still on the hunt for a honeysuckle oil that compares and several years ago I started adding 1 / 3 sweet pea oil to the mix , partly to prolong my precious reserve of honeysuckle and partly to honor the passing of one of my favorite cows , Sweet Pea . The scent from perfume oils lasts longer than spray perfume , it 's far less expensive and one ounce can last you for years . . . but the best part is that you can play around and mix your own scent ! I love the fact that no one in the world smells like me . I get the sweet pea for my mixture from Aroma Haven . They have hundreds of scents available and you can spend hours searching through their list ! They used to sell the roll - on bottles , but for some reason they stopped carrying them . You can find them many places , though , including Amazon . I love the roll - on bottles because they 're easy to use , you don 't spray everyone when you put your perfume on , and they 're small enough to slip in your pocket . I don 't think she really felt bad most of the time , but she lost the instinct to lick and had to have her food and water given to her via syringe . Needless to say , taking care of her was the only thing I did and the only thing on my mind for three solid months . I couldn 't concentrate on anything else . I lost her the day before Christmas Eve . She was the sweetest , most wonderful and generous dog I 've ever had the privilege to know and I miss her like crazy . I had had her since she was 6 - weeks - old and she was the mother to my other three Jack Russells . Her loss has left a very big hole in all our lives . And then I was driving along last Saturday night , headed to Olive Garden for a dinner with my best friend to celebrate Singles Awareness Day ( aka Valentine 's Day ) , minding my own business , when I suddenly had An Idea . That Idea has percolated in my head this week into a full - blown story for book four ! You have no idea how nice it is to finally have them running around in my head again . It 's been kind of a shock and a little bit overwhelming ! I always basically knew what I wanted to accomplish with the next book , I just didn 't have an actual plot . I had a whole lot of blank white screen , though , and absolutely nothing flowing to fill it up ! At the moment I 'm trying to figure out how all these new ideas fit in with the rest of the series and how I want everything to end up . I will never be a chess player because I can 't think several moves ahead ( in writing , or in life ) but I 've gotten far enough into this series that I have to stop and do that now . I don 't want to get to book six and think , " Oh , crap , I shouldn 't have done that in book four . " Or worse , " I should have done that in book four and I didn 't . " But we finally have a story and the muse is talking to me ! I just have to find the time to write now . Winter is a very hard time to do that with my farm chores . I 'm at the barn taking care of my animals a good portion of the daylight hours and by the time the sun sets , I 'm exhausted . My fingers are itching to get into this story , though , so hopefully I 'll have some good news for you all soon ! As always , the best way to keep up with me is on Facebook . I 'm going to try to do better about posting to the blog , but I am on Facebook every day . It 's sort of my lifeline to the outside world and we have a lot of fun there . I write paranormal romance . Even before I started writing it , I devoured the genre . My bookcases are filled with PNR and urban fantasy and I have watched more Buffy the Vampire Slayer than any sane person would be comfortable admitting to . Over the years I have come to believe that this has skewed my perception of the world a bit . The first time I realized that I was reading entirely too many vampire books was when my friend Jamie went out of town and I agreed to stop by her house on my way home from work every night to feed her kitties . So here I am , walking up to a secluded cabin on top of a mountain in Middle - of - Nowhere , Georgia , my path lit only by the headlights of my car , and do you think I was worried about getting attacked by a man - eating bear or slaughtered by some redneck serial - killer rapist ? Nope . What was going through my head was , " Geez , I wish I had a stake . Why the heck isn 't there anything wooden and pointy in this yard ? " The second time was a year or so later when I made a trip out to Seattle to visit Jamie after her move to the west coast . After having spent several enjoyable hours walking through Pike Place Market , we decided to take a few pictures of the sunset and then have dinner . In a stroke of " genius " that nowhere near reflected our combined IQs , we ducked out a back door , thinking that we 'd get to the pier quicker by walking around the building instead of navigating the throngs of people that filled the market . As the door closed behind us it was like stepping into another world - gone were the shouting vendors and screaming children and suddenly Jamie and I found ourselves alone in a dark , eerily quiet cobblestone alley sandwiched between two tall buildings . After we 'd passed the third shadowy doorway the folly of our grand plan suddenly struck me , but not in the way you might think . No , being mugged never entered my head . Instead , I stopped short , grabbed Jamie 's arm , and said , " Holy crap ! We 're vampire food ! We 're those stupid girls who take a shortcut through This whole topic came up during a recent discussion on my Facebook page when I was relating the story of how one night I 'd nearly been eaten by a werewolf in my own front yard . Well , ok , it turned out not to be a werewolf after all . It was actually two baby deer happily cavorting in the tall grass of our front pasture . In my own defense , though , it was so dark I couldn 't see anything and upon hearing something thundering in my direction through the underbrush werewolf somehow seemed more reasonable to me than deer or coyote . Now , maybe this problem is just in my own warped brain , but maybe there are others like me out there . So I 'd love to open the discussion up for anyone who 's brave enough to join in with their own version of " You Know You Read Too Much PNR / UF ( or watch too much Buffy ) When … " I 've read a lot of vampires stories , but the Cin Craven series is one of the very few that skips forward a significant amount of time with each installment . How did you come up with this concept ? Will there be a point where a Cin Craven book catches up to the present ? When I started writing I 'd read a lot of paranormal romance and urban fantasy series set in the present day . There were all these wonderful modern - day vampires that had centuries of stories behind them and I thought it was a shame that we never got to hear those stories , except perhaps in flashbacks . I really wanted to read a series that started at the beginning of a vampire 's " afterlife " and worked its way up to the present day , but I couldn 't find one . So I wrote one . Eventually Cin will catch up to the present day , but I think there are a lot of fun and interesting time periods for her to go through first . While I enjoy the novelty of Cin 's dual nature , being both a witch and a vampire , I sometimes wonder if it makes her too powerful . I naturally want to root for the underdog in a story , but I automatically think anyone going up against Cin is toast . Is there a villain out there that can best her ? Oh , definitely . She 's going to meet someone in book four who will knock her down a peg or two . After the events in Bound by Sin she 's very confident in her power and her ability to be the baddest thing out there . As a writer , well , when that happens to your character you 've got to pull the rug out from under them a bit . Looking back , the twentieth century is probably not going to be counted among Cin 's favorites . She 's going to have some major problems with Michael and with her magic , but eventually she 'll be the baddest thing out there again … just with a lot better understanding and respect for herself , her power , and her love for Michael . No , I think my vampires are pretty much going to keep their swords . Guns don 't kill my vampires , but a sharp sword will decapitate one , so it 's still the most effective weapon they can carry . I have a line in my novella in the Huntress anthology where Cin says : " As a rule , vampires , especially the older ones , don 't like guns . They seem to view them as cheating . If you can 't win a fight by your own physical strength and skill with a sword , then you deserve to lose . " Of course , she says this as she 's strapping on a Smith & Wesson . Cin seems to insist on being a gun - girl , which irritates me to no end because I am most definitely not and firearms aren 't really something I 'm intimately familiar with . However , I 'm sure some of my younger vampires will , at times , carry guns . I can imagine Justine and Michael in shoulder holsters , but I don 't think we 'll ever see Devlin packin ' heat . The big fights are probably always going to come down to swords and magic , but a well - placed bullet is certainly a good way to piss off your enemy . Not many paranormal romance authors keep the focus on the same couple over multiple books . Is it getting harder or easier to write about Cin and Michael 's relationship ? I know Cin and Michael well enough to not have a problem writing their relationship . Where it gets sticky is walking that fine line between creating enough conflict to keep their relationship real and interesting , and not creating so much that they 're constantly fighting , breaking up , and getting back together . I think a lot of people have enough of that in their real lives and they don 't want to read about it in their fiction as well . However , Cin and Michael have been together for decades and will be together for centuries to come and their relationship isn 't always going to be roses and puppy dogs . I think that having the two of them constantly at odds isn 't any more realistic than having them eternally happy and I hope I can do justice to their story . They 're going to have conflict and they 're going to fight , I just don 't want it to be so frequent that readers think , " Why are these two together at all ? " Sometimes I just want Michael to be supportive - husband - guy while Cin learns what she needs to learn from a certain period in her life . I noticed that Justine and Devlin didn 't appear very much in this installment . I enjoyed the novella that told their story ( in the Mammoth Book of Vampire Romance ) , but will they ever get their ' own ' book ? Yes , Devlin and Justine took a bit of a powder in this book . I ended up with so many characters once Cin and Michael got to Georgia that I really didn 't have anything for them to do . I hadn 't intended for Cin and Justine to have that spat at the beginning of the book , but once I started writing the scene that was really the only way it could go . Add to that the trouble getting in and out of Savannah 's harbor and the only logical way to get everyone out of America once the story had run its course was to have Devlin and Justine leave Cin and Michael there and come back for them later . SoJenna Maclaine I hope everyone is doing well and keeping cool this summer ! I know it 's been a while since you 've heard from me and I wanted to send out a mailing with some news . St Martin 's Press won 't be publishing any more of the Cin Craven series . The books got great reviews ( and I heartily and humbly thank all the readers and bloggers who took their time and energy to write them ) , but sales were not what we 'd all hoped for . In fact , my agent advised me that if I wanted to continue writing , I would need not only a new idea but a new pen name as well . As you can imagine , that was more than a little depressing ! I wasn 't even sure I wanted to continue writing at that point , but I 've had such an outpouring of support from my wonderful readers that I can 't just abandon Cin and her story . I 'm now looking forward to finishing the series the way I want to write it and putting the novels out as independent releases . I expect to do this mostly through ebooks , but I will make the novels available in print editions as well . Print - on - demand books are incredibly expensive to produce , but I promise I will do my best to find a self - publisher with the best pricing and distribution options for you ! If you have an e - reader , though , you won 't see any increase in price without a publishing house behind me . I am hoping to get the next novel out around Christmas . I know it 's been a long time between books but , to be honest with you , I believe that if you 're going to do something , you do your very best and I didn 't feel that I could do that until recently . Certain events just sucked all the joy out of writing for me and I was so burned out for a while that Cin stopped talking to me entirely . I 'm trying very hard to get things back on track for you , though , and I want all of you who have emailed me or posted on Facebook to know how much your support means to me . I really loved writing these books and I 'm looking forward to writing more for you ! In the meantime , if you haven 't had the opportunity to read the two short stories from the Mammoth antholo " The Eternal Warrior " from the Mammoth Book of Irish Romance can be found here : Also , for those of you who waited so patiently for Bound by Sin to come out on Kindle , I just noticed that it 's finally available ! I don 't know why that took so long and it 's completely inexcusable , but there was some sort of miscommunication between Amazon and the publisher which I had no control over . My editor was aware that it didn 't come out on Kindle when the print version came out , and beyond that there was nothing I could do about it . My apologies to all my Kindle readers ! ! I 've added a Twitter account to my social media sites , but I confess I don 't really " get " Twitter , so I rarely use it . The best way to keep in touch with me is through Facebook . I post pretty much on a daily basis there and we have a lot of fun ! Thank you again to all of you for your support . I hope you all have a wonderful summer ( don 't forget the sunscreen ) and I wish you the very best ! Jenna Sometimes cleavage is a very useful thing . I don 't mean just when you can use it to get a man to move heavy objects for you or hand you that item you can 't quite reach off the top shelf in the grocery store . Or to get out of a speeding ticket ( so I hear … this has never worked for me ) . Cleavage is also a handy place to carry things . I once smuggled a sprig of lavender out of Cawdor Castle 's gardens in my cleavage . I 've carried my cell phone , cash money , and , yes , even baby animals in there ! A few years ago one of my sister 's cats brought her a live and unharmed baby squirrel . We thought raising it would be a good experience for my nieces . For some reason , however , I ended up having to squirrel sit every time Sister had to go somewhere . My cats and dogs were enormously interested in the smell of this small aquarium Sister had set up as little Skippy 's house and I was afraid they might form a raiding party the minute my back was turned . Sister had told me to put him someplace warm , since baby squirrels were unable to regulate their own body heat and required warmth from their mom . Figuring I 'd take care of both issues with one grand idea , I took Skippy out of his cage and slipped him down inside my bra ! He nestled quite happily in there and none of the dogs or cats had any idea where he was . When he 'd get a little too warm this tiny nose would pop out , or sometimes his whole head , but he was always quite happy to hang out in there . After a few days we became concerned that the cats may have gotten the mama squirrel and there was a nest of orphaned babies up in that tree . You could kind of tell where little Skippy had come from by the feline audience hanging out at the base of the tree , just waiting for someone to toss them something new to play with ! So we called our Tree Guy , Randall , who was just the nicest man you 'd ever want to meet . He had helped us clear out the mess from the tornado and he agreed to come out and climb the tree and look in the nest for us . It was , thankfully , empty . When Randall got his feet on solid ground again , he was shaking his head . Mom and Sister and I had been standing below , watching , and Randall didn 't know it but I 'd had Skippy in my shirt the whole time . I have about 20 men 's cotton v - necked t - shirts that I wear around the farm . It 's sort of my farm uniform . I walked up to Randall and pulled the neck of my t - shirt down and leaned over , showing him dear little Skippy , contentedly peeking out from between my breasts . So last night I was a little late getting to the barn , but nothing that a bit of hurry - up wouldn 't fix . I was efficiently going about my evening chores , standing outside at the water spigot to fill up Old Meg 's bucket . ( Meg is my eldest ewe and she prefers hose water to sink water , thank you very much ! ) I had her bucket about halfway full when some movement caught the corner of my eye and it suddenly became One of Those Evenings . From the tree line next to the barn comes this little bird . Y ' all know the song " You Can Fly " from Peter Pan , right ? Everyone sing along with the baby bird now … The little dude flew right into the side of the big red barn and I 'll be damned if George Earnest didn 't just happen to be there to pounce on him the minute he hit the ground ! The bird is screaming at whoever will listen , I 'm screaming at George , George is looking for an escape route … and so I turned the hose on him ! Well , he decided the bird wasn 't worth getting soaked over , promptly dropped it , and I jumped in and scooped it up . So I find myself standing there with a wet cat glaring at me , a baby bird in one hand , and a running hose in the other . I just sort of shook my head and thought yep , this is my life . I shut the hose off , walked into the barn ( George hot on my heels , just in case I dropped something ) , baby bird in hand , called my mom and said , " Well , you 're not gonna believe this shit ! " Now I 'm really running late getting everything ready for the sheep to come in for the night . I have no idea where this little Tufted Titmouse baby came from , no idea if he 's hurt , or what the heck I 'm supposed to do with him ! And it 's getting dark and I don 't really have time to figure it out . I knew he was scared because I could feel his little heart just hammering in my hand , but I checked him over and didn 't see any blood on him and his wings appeared to be ok . I was pretty sure hitting the barn had rung his little bell , though . So I did the only thing I could think of - I tucked him in my bra and went about my chores . When Mom and Dad got to the barn I was dishing up feed and Mom asked me what I 'd done with the baby bird . I said , " Look , mom ! I have a Tufted Titmouse between my titties ! " Well , this morning he was flying all over the porch , trying to get out ! I was so relieved that neither the barn nor the cat had hurt him . I took him down to the barn with me and walked up into the tree line where he 'd come from , deciding that if I put him on a safe branch he 'd eventually figure out where home was . Well , that idea lasted about as long as it took to get him settled on the branch . He just looked so tiny and frightened , I couldn 't stand it ! I said , " Aw , crap , dude ! What am I going to do with you ? " As visions of raising this baby bird to maturity in my bra ran through my head , I scooped him off the branch and walked along with him in my hand , I suppoe hoping I 'd just happen to run across a flock of Tufted Titmice . When I ran out of trees I decided to cross a bit of open pasture and check out the woods . I was getting really disheartened when he suddenly heard a familiar voice . That little head popped up and he started chirping his little guts out ! And then I could hear Mama Bird talking back to him ! He started wiggling and wanting to fly away , but I kept a firm hold on him , wanting to get closer to wherever his mom was before I let him loose . I finally found her in the trees just at the edge of the woods , and boy was she pissed ! I opened my hand and the baby flew off , making his way very well up into a tree . And then he flew to another tree in the absolute wrong direction ! I just about pulled my hair out in frustration , but his mom came and found him . She swooped down and bitched at him some more and then flew back to her original tree . I could just hear it : " Oh my God ! Where have you been ? I 've been worried sick , do you hear me ? Sick ! You are in big trouble , young man ! Staying out all night and coming home smelling of human ! Just you wait until you father gets home ! " The little baby flew over to her ( " But Ma ! ! ! ! " ) and the last I saw of them they were sitting together on the same tree branch . I cannot believe that with all the trees and all the acres we have on this farm he and I managed to find one little Tufted Titmouse Mama ! ! Before I start in on the complete disaster that was my friend Marie 's birthday party Saturday night , let me tell you that considering how we met , nothing that happens when we 're together should surprise me . I met Marie in probably freshman year of high school when I accidently went out with her boyfriend . How does that happen , you might ask ? ( And she did ! ) Well , I knew this boy from the school bus . He lived down the street from me and we used to talk on the ride home every day . One evening he calls me and asks if I want to go to the movies with him and some friends from the neighborhood . Now , I didn 't have any interest in this boy as possible boyfriend material , but it sounded a lot more interesting than staying home . Someone 's dad drove us to the mall , we saw the movie , came home , end of story . Until I got to homeroom Monday morning and this girl comes up to me and says , " Marie is pissed and she 's gonna kick your ass . " This jerk had conveniently forgotten to mention the fact that he had a girlfriend . So I went and talked to Marie and we squared things up . And then we hunted this boy down and clouded up and rained all over his parade ! It was a bonding moment because I don 't even remember his name but Marie and I have been friends ever since . And so I can say with all the love of twenty - plus years of friendship behind us … . the bitch can 't hold her liquor ! I tell her this ( in between the 900 times she drunkenly tells me she loves me ) every time she goes out on the town . Marie has three children and on the rare occasions she gets a kitchen pass to go out , she really goes all out ! The dear girl doesn 't understand the concept of pacing herself . I knew this , of course , when I bought the birthday card that I brought to the party she was having at a local bar ( which shall remain nameless ) this past Saturday night . It had a picture of yard flamingos on the front of it and the picture was taken from such an angle that you 'd have to be lying down , looking up at them . The card said : If this is the first thing you see the morning after your birthday celebration , you may want to ask yourself these important questions : Am I naked ? Is this my front yard ? Who are these people and why are their necks so long ? I had no idea when I bought it how apt that would become ! I showed up to the bar about10 : 30 since evening farm chores always make me late getting out . I knew Marie was already there with our friend Misty and Tanya , who I hadn 't previously met . I had Marie 's card and a bouquet of lollipops , but I couldn 't find Marie or Misty anywhere . Finally Misty wanders into the bar , beer in hand , and tells me that she thinks Marie is outside . So off I go and finally find her out front , already looking a bit bedraggled and green . " Jenna , " she says , all drunk and slurry . " I 'm in trouble . " So Misty goes back into the bar and Marie and I head off across the parking lot . In an effort to safeguard Marie 's vanity , I figured the bushes were a better place for this business than the bathroom or , from the looks of her , right in front of the door to the bar . I walked her across this little access road to a nice concrete drainage ditch and told her to have at it . Now , I 'm a farm girl and I have a really high ick factor . I 've been elbow deep in nasty stuff that would make you gag just to hear me tell it - - and then gone directly home and eaten dinner ! But there are three things I cannot handle : childbirth , either human or animal ; human poop ( boy was I ever glad when the nieces were out of diapers ! ) ; and human vomit . I gag just walking into a public restroom , so you know I was pleased to hear Marie say , " Jenna , don 't leave me . " " I 'm not going to leave you , " I promised , " but I can 't watch you throw up or I 'm going to be throwing up too . So I 'm just going to be right over there and I 'll come get you when you 're done . Are you going to be ok ? " Well , ok then . Turning around , I 'd taken about two steps when I heard WHAM ! I spun around to see Marie sort of rolling down the concrete drainage ditch ! I ran over , stopped the rolling , and got her into a sitting position . She 's crying and I 'm pushing her hair out of her face and then I see it … blood just pouring out of her mouth ! " Oh my god ! " I yelled . " Do you still have your teeth ? " And then , " Honey , spit out the blood . No , not on your jeans , on the pavement . Do you still have your teeth ? ? " When I 'd established that she 'd cut her lip but still had her teeth , I told her to stay put and I ran back down the hill to the bar . I still had her damned card and lollipops in my hand so I left them with the cop at the door and told him what had happened . There was a city police officer there talking to him and apparently he went out to check on her because by the time I 'd run to the bathroom and gotten paper towels , run into the bar and gotten Misty , and we got back outside the ambulance was pulling up . I will say one thing for Marie , she knows how to cause a scene ! We had two cop cars , one ambulance , three paramedics , me , Misty , Tanya and at least one member of the house band standing there watching her cry and bleed . The paramedics got her cleaned up and put an ice pack on her mouth and that 's when things just got silly . Misty says , " Damn it , Jenna , I left her with you . You were supposed to take care of her . " And , of course , some male in the group commented on how he would have liked to have seen that . That got me one hell of a smack on the arm from Misty . And then Marie started hurling . Tanya , bless her heart , sat behind her and held her hair . Misty and I , good friends that we are , had to walk down the hill a ways until she was done . We decided we needed to tie her hair back with something but , go figure , neither the cop nor the paramedics had a scrunchie . I went back into the bar and managed to come up with a rubber band . Pulling her hair back and wrapping the rubber band around it , I said , " Boy , she 's gonna be pissed in the morning when she sees her face and then can 't get this rubber band out of her hair . " Now , apparently there 's paperwork to be filled out when the ambulance has to come for you , so while I was bending Marie 's glasses back into something that resembled what they 'd looked like before she took a nosedive into concrete , the paramedics started asking the pertinent questions like what 's her address ? Hell , I didn 't know . So Misty crouches down and yells at Marie , " Marie , what 's your address ? " We got her address and all the important stuff down and then the paramedic decided to get funny and asked her blood type . Misty yells into Marie 's face , " What 's your blood type ? " And then looks up at us and says quite earnestly , " I think it 's vodka and Monster . " That , of course , sent us all into giggles . Now , at this point the cop tells us we 're going to have to get her out of the street because if they get another call they can 't leave us all on the side of the road . I pointed out that it was hardly a " road " since there were only a few houses up there and I doubted anyone was going to come barreling down it in the middle of the night and hit us , but he insisted . The birthday party had a designated driver coming to pick them up at close , but no one other than me had a vehicle there . We 'd called someone to come get Marie and take her back to the house , but in the meantime we had to put her somewhere . I said she was definitely not getting in my truck because she was alternately semi - conscious , wanting to lay down and go to sleep , or throwing her guts up and there was no way I was cleaning barf out of my truck . We decided that maybe we could lay her down in the bed of the truck , though I wasn 't sure how the hell we were going to get her up in there . I pulled the truck up to where she was , though , and two of the paramedics and Tanya 's brother lifted her up onto the tailgate . Then we sort of rolled her and … smushed her … into the bed of the truck ( I remember saying at one point , " Jesus , it 's like a dead freakin ' deer in the back of my truck ! " ) and put the tailgate up so she didn 't fall out . The paramedics got her a pillow and a blanket out of the ambulance and we covered her up . And then we all suddenly found ourselves with nothing to do but lean up against the bed of my truck and watch her sleep it off . At which point Misty and I told her , " Happy birthday , Marie ! We love you ! " That 's the cop with the flashlight . I 'm standing next to him in the dark tank top . The green wristband is Misty . The clipboard is one of the paramedics . Marie , of course , is the dead deer under the blanket ! She was out like a light until her ride showed up , and then there was more hurling . I think the girl threw up things she ate in high school ! Misty and I once again found ourselves standing on the other side of the truck , taking deep breaths and gagging and telling each other we were horrible friends . Misty said , " You realize if we 're ever drunk enough to throw up , no one 's going to help us ! " So Sunday morning I get up from the barn to find a voicemail on my phone from Misty that went something like this : " Hey Jenna . Marie is ok . We were wondering if you 'd call us back and tell us what happened . " Well , girls … that 's what happened ! Jenna Maclaine is the author of the Cin Craven series from St . Martin 's Press . She has a BA in history from North Georgia College & State University . When she isn 't writing she spends her time caring for the 80 + animals that share her family farm in the beautiful foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains . |
less than a year , things had changed so much . After I left Edward , I went downtown to join the nunnery . I was walking across the street when a The little 's boy 's name was Brady . A Mr . and Mrs . Rose and Emmett McCarty turned out to be his parents . He also had a twin brother named Colin . They were so grateful to me for saving their son 's life . I was still planning to join the nunnery but fate had other plans . As I turned to leave , Rose stopped me and asked if I had any family . I broke down and told her my whole life story , right there in the middle of the street . By the time I got to the We ended up driving all the way to Washington State . I 'd never spent so much time in a motor ! Along the way , we stayed in hotels and at friend 's houses . Everyone accepted me so Smiling , I shook my head . " No , he 's perfect . God couldn 't have given me a better baby . Sometimes I look at him sleeping , and I feel like my heart is going to burst . " out in the field with Bree . She 's planting today and volunteered to watch him for a bit to give me a break . He 's loves being outside , " I mused happily . choked on my cookie . Everyone at the McCarty Ranch was under the impression that I was a widow . I 'd told them that my husband was killed in one of the mining camps . It was the only way to ensure that my baby boy grew up with all the opportunities in life . Angela stared worriedly at me as Rose smirked . I tried to get myself under control while contemplating why Rose looked so smug . She and the women of the Ranch were the closest I 'd ever come to having sisters . I just hoped that they 'd never find out the truth and shun me . girls began talking about the Depression while I finished my snacks . There were Hoovervilles popping up all over the State . The government was proposing new plans but none of them were working . We helped where we could by delivering leftover food and blankets to the camps near us , but it didn 't seem to ever be enough . I shrugged . " I 'm not sure . I pray that it does , though . I want Dante and all our kids to grow up in a better America . It pains me to see babies crying for milk and mothers being treated like dogs . " Both Angela and Rose nodded . Times were hard , but we all hoped that things would turn around . Charlie always believed in the great spirit of America . He would have seen the Depression as a test . It was our duty to survive and Bella ? I know you said you picked it because your love of his books , but was Dante 's father Italian - American ? " For some reason , Rose was being unusually curious today . " I have to go check on my little lamb , " I mumbled , shuffling out of the kitchen . Rose was getting too close to the truth . I couldn 't go down that road again . It was the past . my way to find Bree , I passed all the migrant workers . Rose and Em employed as many people as they could with the Ranch 's profit . They had rules to keep us safe , and so far , there hadn 't been any incidents . into the dirt . My little boys ' laughter could be heard over the silly song she was singing to him . I stopped for a minute and let them finish their game before approaching . I kneeled down on the ground and patted her back . " I didn 't mean to frighten you , dear . I just came to get my little lamb . It 's time for another feeding and changing . He smells a bit ripe . " We laughed as Dante my baby and I headed to the house . At three months old , he was much heavier than he 'd been at birth , but even then he was ten pounds . It had me all day and night as I struggled through the pain . A few times , I got weak and called out for Edward . At that time , I wished that he 'd been there with me in the room , but I knew that it would have never happened . Edward had made it very clear that he didn 't want to be a husband or a father . a mother was a hard job . Dante was totally dependent upon me . I had to boil his diapers , feed him from my breasts , and make sure he didn 't fall out of anything . It seemed like my little lamb was always rolling ! It was hard labor on top of my other work , but I wouldn 't have changed it for the world . Emmett and Rose had been kind enough to give me my own room in their main house . Bree , Angela , and I were the only ones that shared it with them . The rest of the workers were in cabins and bunkhouses spread throughout the property . Some of the more temporary ones lived in tents along the river . runaway train out West . She 'd been smart and dressed as a man to avoid rape and other assault . When she got to Washington , a friend told her about the McCarty Ranch . Rose , liking the brains of the girl , hired her on the spot . Bree was only eighteen , but she had an old soul . me out with him . We worked very hard during the day , but we also had fun and shared our dreams . They were the best friends I 'd ever had in my laughed and put his fat little hand over his stomach . It was something he did when he was hungry . Smiling , I began to unbutton my work smock . Motherhood had given me much bigger breasts . Dante 's little cupid 's lips he fed , I thought about my parents and how much they would have loved their grandson . Then , I began to think of Edward and our magical night together . Maybe if I 'd have known I was pregnant , I would have stayed . commotion in the hallway . I was about to cover my breast when Edward burst through the door . Oh , Lord . He looked like an angry bull until he saw Dante in my arms . Then , his eyes softened considerably . Finally , I got the courage to look up into Edward 's emerald eyes . He hadn 't changed at all unless you counted the fact that he looked even more prosperous . I wanted to get up and run away , but I had Dante to think about . chair . " I 'm not going to bother to ask . Everyone can see he 's mine . It 's like looking at me as a baby . Can I hold my son ? " had prepared me for the sight of them together . It was pure beauty and it took my breath away . My little lamb latched onto his daddy 's finger and just stared . It was almost like he knew who was holding him . an hour later , Rose came to check on us . She took Dante out so that Edward and I could talk . I felt nervous about being alone with him . We 'd I also hated my traitorous body . When I got here , I read every scripture of the Bible that mentioned fornication and adultery , but Edward still had a spell on me . Looking at him in his fancy blue suit and smelling his expensive cologne made my lower body moisten . I was ashamed of myself . words I was able to utter because he attacked me . His lips were fierce and hungry as he begged for entrance . Wanting to please him , I eagerly opened up my mouth . We both groaned as our tongues met and massaged each Edward 's eyes darkened as he looked down at my breast . In my haste , I hadn 't put it away . He got rid of the bra before I could protest . Then , I felt his soft lips on my nipples . It caused a burning feeling deep in my stomach and made me crave release . he puckered his lips and pulled hard , drawing out a strong spurt of my mother 's milk . I felt dirty . Surely , this wasn 't something that a man was supposed to do ! The milk was for my baby and no one else . Bella . I love your milk . It , your skin , and your pussy are the best things I 've ever tasted . I 've spent a year looking for you . Don 't deny me , " he growled before giving my other nipple the same exquisite torture . Edward reached down and slipped his fingers into my undergarments . It felt wonderful and oh so wrong ! I 'd tried touching myself down there a few times but my fingers didn 't give the pleasure that I 'd known from Edward . When he began taking the rest of my undergarments off , I couldn 't find it in myself to protest . Seconds later , his suit joined my clothes in a pile on top of the bed . Before long , we were as naked as Adam and Eve in the garden . Because I was ashamed , I covered my breasts and womanhood . Edward quickly removed my hand and kissed the palm . " I 'm not the same , " I whispered sadly . got down on his knees . " You 're fucking perfect , babydoll . Do you know how long I 've wanted this ? " he asked as he began licking me . " I dreamt about you every night . I 've spent all these months looking for you . My heavies think I 'm insane . All I could think of was being with my babydoll . " Slowly , I began pulling him up and back us against the wall . Edward took charge and picked me up . I held his muscular arms as he slipped inside of me . I 'd had a very poor memory of his lovemaking . body spasmed as the first round of pleasure overtook me . I didn 't have time to come down because Edward was pounding me into the wall . I reached down and touched his manhood while he dug his fingers into my backside . I hadn 't the strength to keep standing , so he was supporting both of our weights . he slammed into me , sending me into another fit . I dug my heels into his backside and pulled his hair as we began to kiss savagely . There was wanting to deny him anything , I dropped to my knees and opened my mouth . This was something I 'd seen in one of those sinful books I 'd read , but I instinctively knew that Edward would enjoy it . His eyes were The minute my tongue touched him , his eyes flew open . " Fucking hell . You don 't have to do that , babydoll . Get up from there . " Crying , I stood up and walked over to the bed . Then I wrapped my favorite quilt around myself and began to pray . I asked God to forgive me and to tame the evil temptress inside of me . Edward began to laugh . The more he laughed , the angrier I got . Before long , we were wrestling on the bed . I managed to get on top . I was tugging on his unruly hair when he slipped his manhood inside of me again . All the Biblical thoughts left my mind as he began gyrating . were horses on the ranch so I 'd gotten a lot of practice in riding . I put those skills to use as I wantonly bounced and moved on top of Edward . He made noises that reminded me of the animals in the barn . slapped my backside and pulled me down for another smoldering kiss . " You 're my perfect woman , Bella . You 're a tigress in the bed and a lady outside . No wonder I love you . " I buried my fingers in his hair and lost myself . The only thing I felt was his long tongue sliding in , out , and over me . Pretty soon , it got to thick fluid coated my nether curls . " I love your cock , " I moaned , instantly regretting it and covering my mouth . Cock was not a word ladies used . Suddenly , he began tickling me . To stop the torture , I said what he wanted to hear . " Fuck . Pussy . Now get off of me , you … you Devil ! " care about Dante or marriage . Once again , I was the stupid one . What kind of woman let a man use her this way ? Surely , it wasn 't healthy . Seeing the baby crib in the corner and her cheery artwork on the walls gave me pause . This was unfamiliar territory for me . I 'd had a million molls , and dames threw their pussy at me , but no one lighted a fire in my heart like my little tigress had done . my weight in Cognac . My godfather 's had me taken to the main mansion and questioned . I told them all about Bella and how she 'd stolen my heart . They agreed to help me . From then on , I didn 't care about anything but finding her . As we looked , we heard horror stories about dames that had been raped and killed . I knew the odds weren 't good for a I was crueler than normal in my business dealings , so I put more than a few people in Chicago overcoats . These were bloody times , and like my father , I was a man that had to set an example . The Great Depression wasn 't bad for ruthless people like me . It was a time to make loads of green . He told me that there was a girl fitting my babydoll 's description at a McCarty Ranch in Washington State . When he described her , I knew he was talking about my Bella . When he told me that she had the cutest little copper haired and green eyed baby , I almost had a heart attack . Bella had given birth to my baby ! blew their wigs when I told them everything . They insisted on joining me . The next day we started the long journey from Chicago to San Francisco . I 'd done it a few times on business , so I knew the route well . Three days ago , we made it to California . I had several cars , various furniture , and trailers waiting for us . Mom and Alice had shopped every store in the Nation at this point . They 'd brought enough baby clothes , dresses , and blankets for thousands of people . By the time Emmett McCarty was away in Denver on business , so Riley led the way . He was a young guy , but the head of the biggest Russian outfit on the West Coast . The Seattle Mafia outfit was unfamiliar to me , but my godfathers had friends The minute the car stopped , I ran into the house . A tall blonde woman , who I assumed was Rosalie , tried to stop me , but I was faster . My heart was pounding out of my chest as I wasn 't prepared for the sight of my angel breastfeeding . I wanted to fall at her feet and weep tears of joy . Instead I acted like a fucking caveman and took her against a wall . Twenty minutes later , I was still waiting for Bella . I hastily got dressed and began pounding on the door . There was no answer . I was about to break it wrapped her small arms around my waist and hugged me tightly . " I know you don 't want any of this , but I have to thank you for coming . It was nice for Dante to meet his daddy . You two are beautiful together . Don 't worry about us . We 'll be fine . I 'll raise him to be a great young man . " babydoll . If you want to stay in Washington , I 'll buy a house here . If you want to go back to Chicago , you and Dante can move in with me . " beautiful , babydoll . You gave him a mostly Italian name . Who is Charles , and why isn 't my son a Masen ? " I asked , frowning . Bella told me the whole story about how she 'd lied and said she was a widow . I was angry , but I understood her need to protect our son . I just My babydoll was so brave . I listened intently as she also told me about her father and how she nursed him throughout his sickness . When she got to the part that it had gone quiet , I looked down at my angel . " What 's wrong ? Why did you stop talking ? Tell me everything , Bella . " She blushed and laid her head on my shoulder again . " The day that Dante was born , I called for you . I was delirious with pain , and I almost wished that you had of been there . I know it 's not common for a man to attend a birthing , but I wanted you . " few minutes later , we walked downstairs hand in hand . There was no one in the house so we went outside to find them . It was late afternoon , which meant work would be going on for a few more hours . and even more beautiful than I 'd remembered . Her tits were definitely bigger and so was her ass . Making love to her after all this time had been pure - fucking - heaven . up and held out her hand . " I am Bree . It is nice to meet father of Dante . I glad that Bella and him not alone anymore , " she said in a thick nodded and began lightly bouncing my son . He 'd started to whine a little , but I wasn 't ready to hand him over . Bella looked like she would a businessman , dear Bree ; therefore , I speak many languages . Thank you for taking care of my little boy . He seems to like you a lot . " Like Bella often did , Bree blushed and looked away . I looked to Bella for an explanation , but she was too busy beaming at the both of them . Clearly , my soon to be wife was a matchmaker . In my experience , dames were never satisfied unless all their girlfriends were married with babies . the time we got back to the house , Mom and Alice were inside . They practically ran over to Bella and me , snatching Dante along the way . He cooed and smiled at his grandmother and aunt , effectively earning their hearts for life . I nodded proudly . " He 's a sturdy little fellow , too . I just had a sample of what he eats , and I can see why he 's so big . " Laughing , Rose walked into the room . " Don 't play shy now . We all heard your reunion , doll . I had to take the babies outside . " god , " Bella groaned as she laid her small head on my chest . I leaned d own and kissed her temple , inhaling the scent of her arousal . She still wanted me . babydoll sniffled and wiped her nose . " I couldn 't . I didn 't know I was pregnant the day we met up , but I knew there was a chance . That 's why I told you I was a widow . Then later , when my suspicions came true , it was Smiling , the tall blonde woman took a sip of her tea . " I 'm not mad at you , sweetie . I 'm just sad we missed all those months of good gossip ! " Rose 's declaration made my mom and sister laugh . Not to be outdone , our son began cooing . aback , I recoiled from her . " What the fuck , Bella ? Why not ? We have a kid . I thought this was what a dame like you would want . " She stood up and put her small hands on her hips , glaring at me . " I want a man that loves me for me . You 're just doing what you think is right . We won 't last if Dante is our only reason for being together . I 'll always feel like I forced you into something you didn 't truly want . What about all the molls you have back in Chicago ? I can 't live knowing that you 're I pulled on my hair as I leaned forward . " I 'm not … I can 't … just give up my life . You know what I do , Bella . I promise that you and Dante will have the best of everything . It 's just a piece of paper that makes our son legitimate before the eyes of the law . " smiled sadly and looked at Esme and Ali . " It 's nice meeting you , Mrs . Masen , Alice . I feel a little lightheaded . If you don 't mind watching Dante , I 'd like to lie down now . " stood up to help my babydoll up the stairs . After sticking her tongue out at me , Alice followed . I knew that my mom was about to grill my ass . Anthony Masen , I 'm ashamed of you . That is no way to ask a woman for her hand in marriage . You can 't continue on the path you 've been going . Don 't you want to be alive to see your son grow up ? " I sighed and played with the edge of my jacket . " Of course I do , Mom . You know it 's not that easy . I 'm a fucking Mobster . Look at Bella , she 's fucking innocent . How can I bring her down to Hell with me ? " forehead before transferring Dante to her shoulder . He was emitting a light snore now , and it was one of the sweetest sounds I 'd ever heard . I " I know you can 't change your world , but you can change the way you live in it . Don 't be selfish like your father . Bella loves you , and she seems like a sweet young woman . If you really care about her , you 'll fight . Fight for your son . Show him that a real man takes care of his responsibilities . Whoring will get you nothing but an early grave , " Esme pointed out honestly . my mother didn 't want to impose , we drove to a nearby town and rented an inn . The couple that ran it lived in the cabin out back , so we had the whole place to ourselves . It was furnished nicely , and the couple went out of their way to make us comfortable . Sometime after midnight , I fell into a fitful sleep and dreamed of my angel and our son . If it was the last thing I did , I was going to get them back . My days of being a fucking screw up were over . I needed Bella like the flowers needed water . I had no fucking clue what my babydoll liked , so I had them fresh bake batches of donuts , fritters , and cinnamon rolls . Alice had mentioned that Bella had something of a sweet tooth . They 'd gotten to know each other a little last night . the bakery trip , we swung by the inn to pick up Esme and Alice . They 'd brought enough baby shit for a hundred babies . Alice had even been thoughtful enough to get a few comfortable dresses for my babydoll . sun was already high by the time we arrived . I didn 't wait for the car to stop before hopping out . I needed to see my babydoll . After talking with Rose , we were informed that Bella was already in the field picking . I set off to find my family . I wasn 't prepared to see Bella with her ass up in the air , singing softly as she dug up corn . I looked around , making sure there was no one close . I wanted to try something , and I didn 't want anyone around to see it . custom Italian wool suit . Bella was wearing a pretty shirt dress with short sleeves , and even her fucking bare arms drove me crazy . The dress looked a little tight . pointed to the side . Dante was sleeping in some kind of basket with a cover to block out sun . He made a sighing noise but didn 't open his eyes . I smiled sheepishly at my angel . pulled out the bag with the bakery treats and handed it to her along with a cool glass of milk . She looked surprised for a minute before thanking me . I watched hungrily as she bit into a frosted donut . Her full lips encasing the food reminded me of last night when she 'd taken my dick into my mouth . That shit was shocking . adjusting myself , I bit into a glazed donut and tried to gain focus again . My babydoll was too sexy for her own good . At this rate , I would fucking cream my pants like a virgin runt . She took a stalk and pointed to the end . " Corn has to be picked while it 's cool . You can see the silk has turned brown . " he sun was really fucking bright , but there was a cool breeze . We still seemed to be the only two in this section of the field . The smell of wet dirt and growth was thick in my nostrils . It was strange for me because I was always a city rat . I 'd never spent much time on a farm unless it was to pick up moonshine or some shit . Slowly , my babydoll began unbuttoning her shirt dress . My dick jumped in my pants . I wasn 't fucking prepared for this so early in the morning . She giggled and undid her bra , leaving her succulent breasts bare . They were perfect . lowered my head and devoured her nipples . Bella 's mother 's milk tasted even better than it had the previous day . She buried her fingers in my hair and held me close as I suckled and teased her tits . My cock was so hard it hurt . I ripped her undergarments and dress all the way off . Our lips crashed before my shirt was off . I turned Bella around so that she was on her knees . kissed the back of her neck and lined my cock up to her entrance . I wanted to take her sweet little asshole , but her pussy was glistening and shining for me . Besides , anal sex might not be her thing . Most dames Determinedly , I pushed into Bella 's tight pussy . She purred and dug her nails into the dirt . I reached around and softly squeezed her breasts , burying my head in her back because she felt so fucking good . My balls began constricting after was the hottest shit I 'd ever seen in my life . Snarling , I grabbed my babydoll around the waist and began thrusting and pounding into her wetness . She keened and met me move for move . I slapped her ass a few times , remembering that she liked it slightly rough . " " I love you , Bella . Fuck ! It 's never … It 's never been like this . No one else , " I sputtered , trying to keep my orgasm at bay . I pulled out and got on my knees . Bella turned around , immediately crawling into my lap so that we were face to face . Her small arms encircled my neck ans I slid back inside of her . In this position , I was the world stopped . Bella 's pussy clamped down on my dick hard . I threw my head back and looked up at the sun as the first feelings of orgasm hit me . My stomach felt like it was on fire . Bella 's small teeth sank into my neck as I used her waist as leverage . panted and wiggled in my lap . " I didn 't plan this at all . It 's just … Last night , I dreamed about us making love out here . I 'm sorry . I don 't know what I want anymore , Edward . This whore has taken over my soul . " smiled and looked up into my eyes . " I love you so much it hurts me to be apart from you . I want you all the time , but not only for what we just did . Edward , I want to share the good times and the bad . " I was about to profess my love again when my son woke up . He had a set of lungs on him . Bella quickly pulled on her clothes and took him out of t he basket . I pulled on my pants and shirt , wrapping the jacket around her small shoulders . looked down at Dante before smiling up at me . " I do miss the city . I like the noise and the bustle , but I want to be close to the fields . I like it here in Washington . Chicago is too crowded for me . I like being able to see the trees . " As Bella breastfed my son , I began to put plans in motion . The Volturi needed a strong West Coast operation . All the Italian Dons were in the East , but there was money to be made out here . With their permission , I was about to finally take my place in Mi Famiglia . being married , but I spent almost all my time with her . We worked in the fields together . She and the women visited the Hooverville camps by the river and handed out food and clothing , so I joined them . The men in the camps were strong , but there was no work . I found the one that seemed to be the leader and offered him a job . He trained the rest for what I needed . Pretty soon , my cars from Chicago arrived . By that time , most of the men were on my payroll . One night , after we fucked in my suite at the inn , she laid down on my chest and asked me what I did . I told her everything , not sparing one detail . By the end , she was still in my arms . I knew then that Bella accepted me for the Mobster that I was , and Dante was with my mom and sister , so Bella and I could be as loud as we wanted . Their rooms were on a whole different floor . I had my babydoll on her hands and knees calling out my name , against the door , and even in the clawfoot tub . Two months later , I couldn 't wait anymore . The Washington operation was running smoothly . My godfathers were planning to come out and meet Bella . Our son was growing bigger by the fucking day . kissed both my cheeks and squealed " I 'm so proud of you , So many weddings for me to plan . Mark my words , you sister will be next . Jasper is sugar sweet on her . " Alice took her upstairs so that she could put on the black and silver dress that I 'd bought . It was fucking custom and Kate had helped me pick it out . The black lace corset was all me , though . I paced the floor as the hour passed . met her halfway , pulling her into my arms . The women began to catcall , which made Dante make strange baby noises . I kissed Bella thoroughly before carrying her to the landing . She looked up at me with pure love in her eyes . When we got outside , Felix helped us into my new Rolls Royce Phantom . It was an ostentatious car in these parts , but it was as much a part of me as my Tommy gun . Bella smiled before putting Dante into his carrier and getting in herself . She was probably the only Dante liked the car . He giggled almost the whole way to our destination . When we arrived , Bella gasped and pointed to the opulent mansion . I nodded , letting her know that it was indeed our new home . from Italy , Paris , and Chicago , but it was almost done . Bella touched the secretary 's desk and stationary reverently . When I showed her the library , she began to sob . had decorated the living suite in expensive mahogany furniture . Bella took a seat in one of the Queen Anne chairs and began bouncing Dante on her knee . He looked up and reached for me . Smiling , I picked him up above my head and blew raspberries on his stomach . His laughter was the perfect complement to the room . I 'm not worthy , but I 'll spend my life trying to be the man that you need . I love you and the beautiful baby boy we created . Will you do me the honor Sighing , I placed the antique ring on her finger . The main stone was a large diamond , but it had two emeralds on the side . Ti Amo , Bella was inscribed on the inside of the gold band . woke up still naked in bed with my glorious wife . Bella had taken to the Mafia lifestyle better than I 'd ever hoped . She could shoot a gun and stare down the scariest motherfucker . I was so fucking proud to have " Get off , Edward ! It 's so hot . I swear this is the last time I let you do this to me , " my babydoll stated , pointing to her large stomach . hit me over the head with a pillow . " You were the one that wanted to make love in the car under the stars that night . I told you to pull out . " Smirking , I lifted her leg and slipped inside of her . It didn 't matter to me whether Bella was pregnant or not . I always fucking wanted her . It had taken years , but she didn 't have all the old hang ups " Daddy , we come in , " I heard from the other side of the door . It was one of my baby girls . As punishment for my past sins , I 'd been given three . " Hold on , " I mumbled , pulling out of Bella and slipping my pajama pants on . My wife giggled and stuck her tongue out at me . It was a habit she 'd gotten from Alice . They were both pains in my ass . After I made sure Bella was decent , I opened the door to the little cockblockers . Dante was in front , holding his sisters ' hands . Our youngest son began crying from the nursery across the hall . He was another one that didn 't like me getting good early morning pussy . little babydolls clung to my ankles as I walked to the nursery . Dante had a baseball mitt , letting me know he wanted to play . It would be a cold day in hell before I got laid again , but my kids owned my ass these cleaning him up and putting the diapers away , I went back into the bedroom . The maid had brought Bella a bunch of Belgian waffles . She was propped up on the pillows eating happily . She looked radiant . My heart skipped a fucking beat . Smiling , she held out a forkful to me . Dante stole it before I could take a bite . His sisters and baby brother laughed as he passed around the rest of the offered waffle . The bed was a that night , Bella and I were finally able to make love . I slipped inside of her and rocked us gently . She moaned loudly , placing my large hand over her leaking breast . I still loved drinking her milk . When I knew my babydoll was close , I pinched her clit and raised her leg higher . She came , whimpering my name . Her walls clamped down , triggering my own release . In that moment , everything was fucking perfection . |
The emergency doors to the ER opened and a large , bald man with an air of command entered , pushing a wheelchair he had obviously obtained from just outside . In the wheelchair was a younger man , thinner with dark chestnut hair . His look was vacant . He blinked , she was a doctor ? " Walter Skinner . " He offered as he maneuvered the patient to his feet and sat him on the table . This was made more difficult by the fact that the younger man still had a tight grip on Dr . Scully 's arm . Dana looked up . Assistant Director ? Skinner had his badge out . She glanced at it and nodded . " We were in my office , debriefing . I noticed he was quiet , but after everyone else left he was . . . Then I realized he , he wasn 't in there . " Angie nodded and retreated . Dana turned back to the table . " Mr . Skinner , physically I 'm not finding a problem . I can call down a psych - " " No . Please , not yet . I . . . if this gets out , his career . . . You say physically he 's in no danger ? " Skinner questioned her . " I know . But what he really needs is rest , and . . . and to step away from a case he just finished . I probably jumped the gun bringing him here . " Skinner looked at the younger man again . " This is the man that caught Dwight Glenwood . " He spoke quietly , and Dana thought , there was a touch of reverence in his tone . Before she could respond , Mulder 's hand tightened oh her arm . She nodded , " Mulder , it 's okay . I 'm not going anywhere . I 'm Dr . Scully . You 're going to be okay , Mulder . I 'm right here with you . " She leaned closer , speaking directly to him . He had beautiful dark eyes . She brushed the hair back from his forehead and his grip eased slightly . She smiled at him . " I was off duty anyway . Besides , " she glanced at her arm , " I seem to be connected to his case . " She gave Skinner a rueful smile . " If you mean my parents , I don 't live a home anymore . Other than that , no ties . " She turned her full attention back to her patient . " Mulder , we 're going to take you to Mr . Skinner 's home . Is that okay with you ? " His grip on her arm tightened again immediately . " I 'm coming too . " She said smoothly . " Don 't worry , I 'm not leaving you . " Mulder seemed more aware , moving slightly on his own when he got into the back seat . " I think I 'll sit back here with him . " Dana half chuckled as she climbed in , still in his grip . Dana nodded . They sat him on the side of the bed . " Let 's make you comfortable . " She spoke to the silent man as she finished removing the tie she had loosened earlier , then unbuckled his belt and , with Skinner 's assistance removed it . They had Mulder recline then and Skinner removed his shoes . Dana sat on the bed beside Mulder . " I 'm still here Mulder . You can relax . " He allowed his eyes to close , but they opened again immediately when the door reopened and Skinner entered . She took her bag and Skinner placed the glass of water on a coaster on the bedside table . " Mulder , I 'd like you to take these . " She shook two small white pills into her hand . " They probably won 't put you to sleep , but they 'll help you relax . " He lay back after swallowing the pills and her hands caressed his brow . " Now I want you to close your eyes and lay back . I 'm not leaving you . I might go in the next room after you drift off , but I promise you that I will not leave . Do you understand ? " He met her eyes then . Funny , she had thought he had dark brown eyes . They seemed a much lighter shade now , with a hint of green . He seemed to see what he needed , and let his eyes close , relaxing his grip on her arm . She heard Skinner leave the room , but didn 't turn . Very shortly his even breathing let her know he had indeed fallen asleep . His hands loosened its grip and fell to the bed . She didn 't hurry , but after a few minutes , she rose cautiously , and when he didn 't stir , let herself out of the room , leaving the door cracked . She watched the man sigh and take a sip of his coffee . She took the small pitcher of milk he 'd obviously set out of her and added some to her coffee . " Did he really catch Dwight Glenwood ? " " The whole nation has followed the case , Walter . Taking those little girls . . . I read what he did to them in the paper . I can only imagine what was left out . " " He 's good . He 's so good it 's . . . Spooky . " Dana didn 't understand the ghost of a smile that came over his face , " It 's nasty work , hard . The men that do it have to get inside these sicko 's heads . The really good ones almost become them . " Skinner glanced toward the bedroom . " He 's the best I 've ever seen . " " He 'll get some time off . This time I 'll insist he take it . I 'll try to keep him from the next case , unless of course , the case gets too bad . " She jerked , spilling coffee on the table . " Don 't worry about this , go to him . " Skinner was on his feet , but it was Dana racing down the hall to him . She was holding his hand firmly now , and again brushed that errant lock of hair from his forehead . She placed her hand on his chest , to calm him , but also to check his heart rate . It was already slowing with her presence . For the first time she saw a hint of a smile on his face . " No , Walter is good . " He settled back against the headboard and she adjusted his pillows . " I . . . I don 't know . I . . . it felt . . . right . " It wasn 't a complete answer , but he couldn 't really explain . " I should have checked your blood sugar . " She muttered to herself and rose from the bed . She squeezed his hand , t hen placed it on the bed . " I 'm going to see if Walter has any juice and find something for you to eat . Mulder , " she saw the tension return to his shoulders . " I won 't leave with telling you . Right now I 'm just going to find some food for you . " " We think it would be a good idea , Mulder . You really shouldn 't have to deal with anything else tonight . " Scully again sat beside him on the bed . Dana smiled then , " Why don 't you wash up . Dinner should be here soon . " She stood and held out her hand . He took it and stood himself , testing his abilities . He walked past them out of the room and to the left as Skinner indicated . Skinner refused their help in cleaning up and she led Mulder to the couch in the living room . " Thank you for staying this long . " He was watching her as she settled beside him . " I should thank you . I got a free dinner with two attractive , charming men instead of left - overs alone at my place . " She patted the hand that lay on the couch between them . " Quit trying to feel guilty , Mulder . I didn 't have to stay , I wanted to . But I think you should go on to bed . Your body has taken a beating lately and you need the rest . Your case is over and your friend Walter is - " Dana didn 't pursue it ; maybe they weren 't as close as she 'd thought . " Why don 't you get ready for bed ? After you 're settled , I 'll head on home . " He tensed immediately , then forced himself to relax . " Yeah , you 're probably right . I 'm sure you need to get home now . " He rose from the couch and moved toward the bedroom he was using before she could respond . " I know , but . . . I don 't mind . Like I told him , the two of you saved me from a lonely evening at home and a dry medical journal to read . " She smiled , " No thank you . That won 't be necessary . Besides , if anyone should be on the couch it should be me . I think I 'd fit the best . " Again he just observed her . It was a little disconcerting , but not uncomfortable . " I think I 'll take your advice and head on to bed . Just lock the door on your way out . " He rose from the chair . " Thank you again . " Dana sat carefully on the side of the bed and watched the slim man sleep . Her hand twitched to push the hair from his forehead again , but she didn 't want to disturb him . There was really no reason to stay . He seemed to be out for the night . She started to rise , but he grew restless , as though he sensed her going . She turned , seeing Walter in the door . " I don 't feel right about leaving . " " I know , but . . . It doesn 't make any sense , does it . I mean I met the two of you , what , four hours ago ? Here I am thinking of accepting your invitation to spend the night . I 'm really not that kind of girl . " She smiled . She woke slowly . This wasn 't the doctor 's quarters and it certainly wasn 't her place . Then she realized someone was curled around her . Mulder . Her blouse had come loose from her slacks and his large , warm hand rested on her stomach . Well , he wasn 't exactly copping a feel , but . . . She started to ease away , but his grip on her tightened pulling her closer . My god , was that . . . She shouldn 't be here . That woke him quicker than her words . " Scully ? " He pulled the covers up , but she still glanced down at him and he saw her cheeks color . " No , I know . It 's . . . it 's okay . " She managed to smile at him . " I 'll freshen up and , and meet you in the kitchen . " He nodded and she let herself out . " I 'm sorry if I 've made you feel uncomfortable , Dana . You 've been very generous with your time and I appreciate it . I 'm sure Mulder does too . " " I guess you were kind of out of it . I want you to take a couple of weeks , relax . Glenwood 's dead , so we won 't be racing to save the next victim . It 's just going to be putting all of the pieces together . We have people who can do that . " " Okay then , " Scully spoke again . " Walter , if you trust me to lock up , why don 't you go on ? Mulder and I will share a cab . " " You don 't need a lot of caffeine now . " She washed her coffee mug and set it in the drainer . " Let me know when you 're ready . " " You used me as a teddy bear . You seemed to get a restful night 's sleep and so did I . Why don 't you call a cab and I 'll get ready . " She looked up at him , " Thanks , but it 's not the way I normally wear it . " She tried tucking it behind her ear again , then gave up . " Did you get a cab ? " " I don 't mind . I worked yesterday , I have twenty - four on , forty - eight off , so I 'm okay about work . " She picked up her bag and watched as he locked up the apartment . " If you 're worried about underwear on the floor , don 't be . Come on . " Maybe he was just concerned about being alone . She was in no hurry . There was something compelling about this man . They 'd had almost no conversation , but the way he looked at her seemed to communicate on a whole new level . She still didn 't understand why he had focused on her at the hospital , or how she seemed to make him feel . . . safe . But he had slept peacefully with her beside him and she had felt so rested when she had awakened in his arms . And okay , he had an incredible body . Scully actually led him into the building , and pressed the button for the elevator . She stepped on when it opened and turned to look at him . He seemed unable to move , so she held out her hand to him again . " It 's okay , Mulder . " She 'd grown up with brothers , what could be in his apartment that would be that bad ? She stepped in , with him half a step behind . Every surface was covered with crime scene photos of the small victims of Dwight Glenwood . They were pinned to the walls , taped to the TV and tossed over every flat surface . This was the information kept from the public . Oh dear god , how had he worked with this ? She didn 't know who moved first , maybe it was mutual , but their lips met . No fumbling , no false moves , as though they 'd practiced this kiss their whole lives . Her lips parted and his tongue moved to possess her . The bathroom door closed and she shook herself . She looked around the room . No , this stuff , these photos - he shouldn 't have to be exposed to this any more . There was one picture on the desk , beside his computer . It was framed and lying down , almost as though hiding the child in the photo 's eyes from the horrific pictures that had been displayed . She set it back up and then stepped into his bedroom . There were pictures there too , only a few , spread out on his bed . She grabbed them up as well and looked around . There weren 't any more , at least not that she could see . The water cut off and before she could move , the door opened and he stepped into his bedroom with only a towel around his waist . This was not like her . Okay , she would have helped the two of them in the ER . Even off duty , that was her job . But going home with two strange men . Being FBI agents didn 't make that safe . . . and then spending the night ? No one even knew where she was . Had she lost her mind ? The thing was , she still wasn 't in any hurry to be away from him . The door to the bedroom opened and he emerged , dressed in jeans and a gray tshirt . He stopped and looked around . " You didn 't have to . . . thank you . " " Uh , " she realized what she 'd said . " Yes . I do . " She looked directly in the eye , " Come on . Let 's get out of here . " He took it , squeezing her fingers lightly . " What don 't I follow you ? Then when you throw me out , I 'll have my own car . " Scully let him in , and he stood near the door taking it all in as she shut and locked the door behind them . To the right , under the window was a desk , with a computer , around the corner was a bookshelf , then a door leading to what must be the hall and bedroom . On the other side of the door was her entertainment center with her TV and stereo . It was strange , they had basically the same things , same furnishings , but her apartment felt warm , inviting . His was more a place to sleep and maybe escape to for privacy . Hell , her couch was coordinated with her chair . And , of course , there had never been pictures like she 'd found at his place . CNN was running an update on the Glenwood case , so he thumbed off the TV , rather than stumble on anything dealing with him again . Mulder rose and wandered into the kitchen . He found a pitcher of iced tea in the refrigerator . Glasses were in the cabinet to the left . He smiled at the orderliness of her cabinets , the fact that her glasses matched . " That 's all of us . " She remarked . He jumped slightly , coming to the present rapidly . " Sorry , didn 't mean to startle you . " She took the picture , smiling . " No , this is the Scully clan . William and Maggie . That 's my older brother , Bill and his wife , Tara . My sister , Melissa . " She pointed . " And that 's my little brother , Charlie and his wife , Mary . The two little boys are theirs , Will and Sam . This is at least a year old , Sam 's walking now . " " Let me . " He took the comb from her hand and sat on the couch . He tugged her down to sit in the V of his legs . He gently and carefully began detangling her red curls . " You have a nice touch . " She commented . They were silent for a few minutes , then she half turned . " I saw a picture on your desk , a framed one . " She stressed . " She resembled you . Is she your daughter ? " Scully 's eyes widened , the horrible pictures she 'd seen in her apartment back in her mind . " Oh Mulder . " Her hand touched his shoulder . She was hot and wet . Wet for him . He felt her nails in his back , her warm breath in his ear , urging him on - as if he wanted to stop . His fingers brought her to the edge , and as he watched , her eyes widened in ecstasy . She was coming in his arms . Just seeing her like that was almost enough to push him over the edge . He held her body , seemingly boneless , against him for several long moments . Oh god , tight , hot , wet , so wet . Her muscles gripped him and he groaned . Mulder didn 't move , fearing he would disgrace himself . He forced control , then slowly pulled almost out . He thrust and she smiled , closing her eyes and letting her fingers press into his hips . He was close and he wanted her with him . He angled her hips and thrust again . He saw her eyes widen , then she was coming . The sensations pushed him over the edge and he poured his essence into her . She saw the uncertainly , the fear on his face . She leaned up and kissed his lower lip . " It was definitely consensual Mulder . " She smiled at him and his eyes closed for an instant . He relaxed slightly then . She wasn 't jumping out of the bed or calling 911 to have him arrested . " Yeah . " She looked down at the two of them intimately intertwined on her bed . " We are moving awfully fast . But in case you 're wondering , I have no regrets and I 'm certainly not kicking you out . " " Fair enough . It 's . . . there 's no one here waiting for you . That makes no sense . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm thrilled , but shocked . You 're a beautiful woman , intelligent , sensuous as hell . I just don 't understand . " " I feel like I do . I can only imagine what you 're thinking of me . " She shifted slightly away from him . " I sleep with you within hours of meeting you , I - " He pulled her against him . " Shhh . You haven 't asked me about my past . It 's not all pretty , but if you want to know about me . . . " " I could eat . " He smiled at her as she rose from the bed . She wasn 't shy now about her body , and she let him watch her don her robe . He slid on his boxers and slacks and followed her into the kitchen . She put together some lunch and they sat at her table . After they had eaten a few bites , he looked up at her . " You changed the subject . Do you want to tell me about him ? " " I haven 't talked to anyone about him . " He touched her hand , reassuring her . " He was my mentor . He wanted me to follow him into his practice . He 's a cardiologist , internationally famous . He , he seemed sincere . " " I could see you , Scully . I knew , on some level , there were other people there , but I didn 't see them . Hell , I couldn 't see the floor . I think I knew that Skinner was there , but he had no more substance than a shadow . But you , you were lit from within , you were solid and , and I knew that you could save me . " " Yes , I . . . You 're still looking for her ? Mulder , it 's been so long . Do you really think there 's anything new you could still learn ? " He nodded . " My mind blocked it out for years , but it started coming back when I was at school . I 'm a psychologist , Ph . D . and all , if you can believe that . " He blinked , " Well , in the counseling I had to take , things started . . . surfacing . When I got back to the states , I saw a hypnotherapist for memory regression . Most of it 's come back . " He saw the question in her eyes before she spoke . " Mulder , stop . Tell me . I think I need to know . I 'm here and you 're here . I don 't know why our connection is so strong , but it is . Please . " His eyes seemed to hold centuries worth of sadness . She couldn 't stop herself , pulling his face to hers and kissing him again . " Come on , Mulder . Let 's get comfortable . " She rose and tugged him to his feet . She turned to her refrigerator and pulled out half a bottle of red wine . After a long quiet moment , she spoke without turning to look at him . " Mulder , please , talk to me . " She felt the deep breath he took . " She was abducted by aliens , Scully . " She sat there , waiting . When no more words came , she turned to look up at him . She saw the quirk on his lips , and that it didn 't reach his eyes . " As soon as I got to the Bureau , I started looking for her file . It wasn 't with missing persons , it wasn 't with abducted children . It was in the basement , with the UFO files , the ' trash ' as it were . " " Scully , I never told them about the regression . I didn 't remember until I was grown . I didn 't tell them anything . I couldn 't . I didn 't wake up for three days . There was no one else there . No one else human . " He sighed , " We were watching TV and playing a game . Mom and Dad were next door . The power went off . I don 't mean one room , the whole house went dark . Then there was light , light so bright it was painful . Scully , it came in every window , the cracks around the door , all at the same time . It was everywhere around the house , surrounding it , like it came from above . Then Samantha screamed . I looked over at her and . . . and she was floating , on her back away from me . I ran to get Dad 's gun . It was locked in a box , but I broke it open . The police said I must have frozen , that I didn 't fire it , because it was still fully loaded . " They were wrong . I pulled the trigger ; I pulled it over and over . It just didn 't fire . She kept screaming my name , crying for me to help her and I . . . I couldn 't . I couldn 't move . Then everything started to shake , like an earthquake . Pictures fell off the walls , books off the shelves . There aren 't many earthquakes on Martha 's Vineyard , Scully . " " No . Nothing happened next door . They didn 't know anything had happened until they came home and found the place like that . Me unconscious and Samantha gone . " " No , I guess it doesn 't . And there was no one to confirm the being that I saw in the door . I couldn 't tell you it was male or female . It was taller than me , with a large head and huge black eyes . It was thin , too thin . . . " He looked away from her eyes then . " I started investigating it when I got my memories . I 've talked to hundreds of people that have had this experience . Most abductees are returned , Scully , in hours , days . Not kept forever like Samantha . They wake up in a strange place , with no clear memory . Usually they 're sore , from the tests and have strangely shaped bruises . Tests have been run on them , they 're anemic , suffering from weightless sickness . " The majority are taken from rural areas . I guess it 's easier to pick off a camper or someone in a house away from others . It 's not 100 % , but you don 't find that many people taken from a third floor apartment in a city . " He nodded . " People are away from home . It 's assumed a lot of people are just on a drunk . They wake up as though from a bender . The problem is , with the kids , they don 't drink . " He tried to smile , then realized she was quiet , pale . " But something else could cause this kind of bruise , right ? I mean , it might be . . . " Her finger traced one of the shapes he had drawn . She was quiet now , her finger tracing and retracing the outline of one of the shapes he had drawn . He wasn 't surprised ; he 'd known telling her this was a death - knell . After a little time , he took a deep breath . He stopped , standing over her , watching her . " Yes , but sometimes there isn 't . There 's nothing . That 's when the Bureau tosses the case into the ' unsolved ' pile and they 're forgotten , like Samantha . " She didn 't look up at him , her finger still moving around the drawing . He stood watching her , puzzled . Then he blinked , " You 've seen that . " " We , we were camping . The whole family . Then I was gone . They found me a little over 24 hours later . I 'd been playing with Charlie , my little brother . " She nodded , " It was the brightest . . . Mulder , there are no aliens . The time it would take to cover the distance - " She had just heard his story of what had happened to his sister . He had trusted her enough to tell her , even though he knew she would think he was crazy . He believed . He was so sure . She couldn 't just shut him down . " No , but I was miles away , much too far to have walked . The thing is , I wasn 't dirty or hungry and no one had hurt me . That upset the police . They wanted to accuse me of running away with someone . They didn 't believe that Charlie and I didn 't remember anything . " " They hustled us home and it was never mentioned again . It 's the only time I remember Dad hitting Bill . He was complaining about the trip being cut short . Nothing else was ever said . I haven 't thought of it in years . " " Hard evidence ? Not much . That 's difficult to come by , and I 'm working against the government . They don 't exactly want the information exposed . " " Scully , don 't . Let 's change the subject . You 're upset , I never wanted that . " He pulled her against him , massaging her back lightly , then on up to her neck . One finger lightly rubbed the base of her neck , seeking and find a tiny scar . He closed his eyes and tucked her up against him . " No , Mulder , don 't . You shared something very personal with me . You trusted me . " Her eyes held him and after a moment he nodded . The sounds woke him . This time he recognized her bedroom . The sounds were coming from her , whimpers and cries . She was lying stiff , as though bound . " Please . " Her voice was shaking , then she buried her face in his chest and tried to pull him even closer . He stroked her back and she arched into him . He thrust involuntarily into her hand . He already knew how good they were together , but was she awake ? He didn 't want to take advantage . They 'd been on the same page both times they 'd come together before . " Love me , Mulder . " She tugged at her own t - shirt and he helped her . He murmured loving words to her as she pulled at his pajamas . His body was already responding to her assaults . He pulled the quilt up over them , tucking it in around her back . " You 're safe here . Talk to me . When did they start ? " " Every night for weeks . I couldn 't get through the night . I 'd wake up screaming . Dad would be there , then after he shipped out , Mom came to me . Bill and Missy got tired of it , angry . " " Y - years . But less often . I 'd forgotten about them . I haven 't had one since I went to college , probably only one or two in high school . " " You can . You need to . " She glanced at him then away . " Come on , Scully . I have to use the psych degree on someone . It doesn 't work on me . " He tipped her head up to see him . She took a deep breath and her grip on his hand tightened . " I 'm lying down , but I can 't move anything except my eyes . I can 't feel any straps but I 'm being held in place . I 'm not alone . I don 't see anyone , but I know they 're there . It 's . . . it 's like I 'm being . . . examined . " She shuddered again . She was relaxed again , resting her head on his chest with his arms protectively around her . She looked up and met his eyes . " How long have we known each other ? " His lower lip jutted out in an exaggerated pout . She laughed and placed a quick kiss on his nose . She turned and left the bed . He caught her hand , pulling her back for one more kiss . He reluctantly let her go then and watched her leave the room . Why did he feel like a cloud had just blocked out the sun . She loved her job and she was good at it , but it had taken an effort to stay on task . He had remained at her place when she left . She had suggested it and he had seemed pleased . His apartment still contained so much pain . She jumped when Dr . Calenti touched her shoulder . " It 's quiet now , Dana , but you know it 's gonna pick up . Why don 't you grab a few winks ? " He was right , she wasn 't really tired but she 'd learned to take rest when she could get it . She nodded and headed for the physician 's quarters . There was no one else there , so she took one of the beds and tried to relax . With years of practice , she was able to drift off relatively quickly . The problem was , the nightmare followed nearly as quickly . She woke breathing heavily , sweat on her brow and pooling between her breasts . Not again . It had been so many years , but the terror was just as strong . She 'd only slept again because Mulder had wrapped himself around her and kept away the demons . There was no use trying to sleep now . As her shift wound down , she found herself getting nervous . She didn 't really have a ' relationship ' with the man . She had a two - night stand . They 'd shared some secrets , but was he going to want to see her again ? She was on edge when she left and the drive home did nothing to alleviate her doubts . What would it mean if he was gone ? Nothing , really . They certainly had no commitment to each other . Still the realization that the apartment was empty caused a despair she was honestly afraid to analyze . She had opened up to this man , in a way she never had before . How did she reconcile that ? How big a fool was she ? She looked through the apartment , there was no note . The bed had been made and the dishes washed and put away . There was no sign he had ever been here . " Hey , don 't you know we live in a big , bad city . You shouldn 't leave your door open like - Scully ? " He hurried around the couch and set a bag on the coffee table as he took a seat beside her . " What 's wrong ? " " No , I mean , " she brushed a tear from her cheek , embarrassed . " I didn 't mean to keep you prisoner . I guess I just . . . I don 't understand us . I don 't even know if there is an us . " " There is definitely an ' us ' , Scully . I 'm sorry . I should have left a note , but I thought I 'd be back before you got home . " " Oh , uh , I found your spare , in the kitchen . " He removed it from his pocket and held it out for her . " Sorry , I wasn 't going to - " His grin slipped away . " I am sorry . I know we 're new . I spent all day missing you . I wasn 't sure what to do with that . I wanted to call and see if you could come home early or if you were missing me too . Shades of junior high . " " Your . . . no Mulder . I mean , you reminded me of what happened , but you didn 't cause anything . You held me through it last night , you made it better . " She leaned in and her lips pressed against his . " Really . " Her hand lightly caressed his face . " I need you too . I think you already know more about me than anyone and . . . and I think you 've opened up to me as well . " " And I have no plans to . I don 't know what 's going to happen , but I want you to help me remember and let me help you remember as well . Together . . . together maybe it won 't feel so lonely . " He couldn 't speak , but his hand caressed her face . He already knew how much he needed her , how much the loneliness had already receded . For the first time since he was a boy , he wanted someone to know about him . And he wanted to know everything about her . The future felt bright with her beside him . |
" My husband was in the military and some nights , he would get a phone call to go to the base for war games . So when I woke with him not in bed , I thought he must have left a note . Now I couldn 't go back to sleep , so I went to go watch some TV . As I walked to the doorway to the living room , I saw my husband sleeping on the couch . The lights were left on , so it was very well lit . What I saw , I watched for 20 minutes . I froze , couldn 't breathe . There isn 't a word for the fear I was going through ! Sitting on his chest , was a full - size woman who looked liked she crawled out of a 3 , 000 - year - old grave ! She had her knees pulled up to her chest , and her arms crossed over her knees , just sitting on my husband ! Her pure black eyes were just staring in to his face . She never took her eyes off his face , but she did reposition herself a few times . That was more terrifying , watching this thing move . My mind was racing . I wondered if he could feel her . I knew he was breathing , because I saw his chest rising up and down . I remember tears running down my face , but I couldn 't move . Then I prayed , " God , make her go away ! " but she was still there . Finally , I was so numb I moved backward to the bedroom and just prayed this thing would leave . You wake up unable to move , barely able to breathe . . . you feel an oppressive weight on your chest . . . and you sense some evil presence in the room with you . . . AND THEN . . . THE OLD HAG STRIKES ! A reader writes : " About a year and a half ago , I was awoken in the night by a strong , warm breeze . I could not move and could not scream . It lasted about 30 seconds and was gone . I saw nothing . Last week it happened again . I was lying in bed and again was awoken . I felt a very strong force holding me down . I could not sit up . I tried to scream for my daughter and could not get any noise to come out . I tried to hit the wall with my arm and this force would not let me . It again lasted about 30 seconds and was over . I really don 't believe in ghosts and didn 't see anything at all . I am just really scared and confused . " Have you ever had a similar experience ? The above incident is a classic example of what has become known as the " old hag " syndrome and is one of many such letters I receive from readers each month . The victims awake to find that they cannot move , even though they can see , hear , feel and smell . There is sometimes the feeling of a great weight on the chest and the sense that there is a sinister or evil presence in the room . And like the above reader , they are often quite frightened about what is happening to them . The name of the phenomenon comes from the superstitious belief that a witch - or an old hag - sits or " rides " the chest of the victims , rendering them immobile . Although that explanation isn 't taken very seriously nowadays , the perplexing and often very frightening nature of the phenomenon leads many people to believe that there are supernatural forces at work - ghosts or demons . The experience is so frightening because the victims , although paralyzed , seem to have full use of their senses . In fact , it is often accompanied by strange smells , the sound of approaching footsteps , apparitions of weird shadows or glowing eyes , and the oppressive weight on the chest , making breathing difficult if not impossible . All of the body 's senses are telling the victims that something real and unusual is happening to them . The spell is broken and the victims recover often on the point of losing consciousness . Fully awake and well , they sit up , completely baffled by what just happened to them since now the room is entirely normal . " In March 2003 , I investigated four sinister cases of ' Old Hag Syndrome ' across Liverpool . The syndrome has been recognized by psychologists for many years , but no one is sure whether the cause is supernatural or simply the product of a half - awake mind . Victims wake up in bed to find that they cannot move , even though they can see , hear , feel and smell . They often experience the feeling of a great weight on their chest and sense that there is a sinister or evil presence in the room . This presence sometimes manifests itself as an old hag with evil - looking eyes , hence the name of this syndrome . A fortnight ago , a 27 - year - old man named Tony woke at his home in Kensington at three in the morning and found himself unable to move a muscle . He panicked , as he struggled to breathe , then he opened his eyes - and saw an old woman with a black shawl leaning over him . She started to cackle , and she started to stroke Tony 's face with what felt like bony fingers . The face of the night visitor looked very sinister , and the woman muttered something unintelligible . She leaned forward and began to kiss Tony , and a terrible stench filled his nostrils . He tried desperately to regain the power of movement , and he suddenly screamed out and pushed away the eerie figure . The old hag was nowhere to be seen . Six days after that report , in the leafy neighborhood of Calderstones , a 45 - year - old man living on Booker Avenue named George retired to his bedroom at 10 pm . His wife remained downstairs ironing clothes . She said she 'd be coming up to bed in about an hour . However , at around 11 o ' clock that night , George was awakened by someone climbing into the bed . He turned to cuddle his wife and found no one there . George thought perhaps he 'd been dreaming , and he laid back to relax . As he was about to drop off asleep , George felt something heavy pushing down on his chest . He opened his eyes - and found himself paralysed from head to toe . A dark shape was on top of him . George felt as if the presence was stealing the life out of him , and that if he didn 't fight it he 'd die . An unsightly face leaned over his face . It was the face of a very old woman with evil staring eyes . George could see a flickering golden light in those eyes . The woman put her mouth to George 's mouth and her breath smelt rancid . The putrid breath seemed to fill his head . George had classed himself as an atheist , but that night he called upon God to save him from the evil hag . The wrinkled face grimaced as if in great pain , and then the eyes turned completely white . The weight was lifted from George , and the hag had vanished into thin air . George felt movement return to his big toe , then the whole of his leg and the rest of his body in turn . He raised himself up and leaned against the bed 's headboard , gasping for breath . His heart pounded . He looked about , and saw the room was empty . George then ran down the stairs to tell his wife about the ghastly experience . She immediately noticed a strong putrescent odour , and sniffed his mouth . George then realised the hag had been no dream . He gargled with a mouthwash and brushed his teeth repeatedly until the horrid vestiges of the hag 's kiss had gone . These are just two of the four cases that have been reported to me . The other two incidents occurred in Aintree and Garston , and both victims gave a carbon copy description of the old hag who terrorised the men in the aforementioned cases . They also mentioned smelling an unpleasant odour during the ' assaults ' . Until I know more about the old hag phenomenon I will be unable to offer a theory . In the meantime , I hope you sleep well . . . and don 't have nightmares ! " I had a very terrifying experience at my friend 's cabin during the fall when I was asked to ' house sit ' for h m . These events took place between September 21st to September 23rd . . For me , being a guy and all , this sounds totally like a cliché or something from a silly teenage ghost sto y . However , I am not writing this out because I want you to believe it , I am writing it out to share with others who may know of , or heard of this particular incide t . It all started when I spent my first night there . . His cabin , recently built around 1998 , is situated on a hill side just outside of Adams County Lake , near West Union Oh o . The evening was fading fast and I had just gotten off the phone with my friend about his arrangements for me and things he needed me to do while he was on his trip when I heard a fairly small tapping on the door . . The nearest neighbor was a mile away down the hill and naturally , I took it to be her , since I was told she visits everyone on a regular basis to get the latest gossip from th m . I opened the door but no one was the e . " Just a wood bird " I thought , and closed the door aga n . The knocking was persistent the next three times and each time I opened the door , nothing was the e . I even went so far as to leave the door slightly ajar and peak out to see what would come rapping on the do r . The knock came , but with out explanati n . I wasn 't scared then , but definitely curio s . The tapping was soon easily ignored when I turned on the television ( which has satellite ) to watch something on the Discovery Chann l . The knocking was quickly forgotten but what happened next , was n t . At exactly 10 : 02pm , the microwave in the kitchen turned itself on and began to heat the air with n . I got up , this time worried someone else was in the cabin , and checked on t . The white microwave was on and counting down from 02 : 10s c . I stopped it , cleared it , and went back to the V . I drifted off to La - La Land and was rudely awakened by the horrible sound of an air horn ( the type they use at football and baseb ( And now , a word from our sponso " This story is as told to me by a supervisor where I wo k . I 'll call him D n . I have no doubts as to the credibility of Don 's story , because he 's definitely a no - nonsense type of g y . So on with the story . . Don was working at a boy 's shelter during the time that his wife was pregnant with their s n . During his work there , the shelter was being remodeled , and many things were being thrown out or given aw y . One of the things they were getting rid of , was a huge stuffed be r . ( Not the kind you can buy in a department store eith r . This was a genuine , once - alive , stuffed bea ! ) It stood a good seven feet tall , and it 's arms were outstretched over it 's he d . Well , Don hated to see it get thrown out , so he offered to take it , thinking it would be perfect to use for decorating the nurse y . Little did he know , the bear ( or the demon inside it ) had other plans . . Now I realize that some people might have different views , ( religious or whatnot ) on these kinds of things , but this is what Don seems to think happened . . During the span of time that the stuffed bear was at the boys ' home , which was probably years , it saw many troubled and hostile teens come and o . Somehow , a bad spirit attached itself to the bear and followed Don ho e . Soon after the birth of their son , the baby started waking up crying in the middle of the night , like babies tend to o . The only difference here , was that a lot of the time , it would be for seemingly no reason at a l . He wouldn 't be wet or hungry , he 'd just wake up cryi g . On one such night , Don 's wife went to the nursery to check on the baby and try to rock him back to sle p . She sat down in the rocker , which was positioned in the opposite corner as the be r . As she was rocking their son , she happened to glance over at the be r . What she saw next , nearly scared her to death . . The huge creature 's head turned towards her , as if to " watch " her and her s n ! She screamed in fear as the thing just " stared " at h r . Seconds later , Don came running into the ro m . " The bear ! " she scream At that moment , Don turned towards the bear to see it 's head move back into it 's normal position . His blood turned to ice , but he knew what he had to do . He had to get it away from his family ! Don seized the bear and ran to the front door , literally throwing the thing into his front yard , and here 's where the story gets even weirder : The minute the bear was tossed out , Don 's two dogs ( who were the best of friends and never fought at all , and who were also sleeping soundly side by side ) went at it , as if to kill each other ! He seriously had to pull the dogs apart so they wouldn 't fight to the death ! Did an evil spirit attach itself to the giant bear ? And was it the possessed bear that was scaring the baby at night and caused the docile dogs to freak out ? Don wasn 't quite sure what had happened , but he DID make sure he burned the thing that night ! Still shaking in fright from the experience , he lit the match and tossed it onto the bear , and as he watched it burn , the flames grew unusually high . . . " wow . . . what a story ! I don 't think I could bear it ! ! ~ Queenie ~ " About eight years ago , I was at the end of my first marriage . This man was very abusive to our children and me . . . . He had gotten this way our last few months together as a family . . . the drinking and the beatings were getting out of hand , so I knew I had to leave and save our children from a terrible fate . My ex had just arrived home from work , and was preparing to leave on a night out with his friends . That night before he left , he made sure to punch me around a little before his buddy came to pick him up . Just then , we heard someone honking outside ; that was his cue to leave . He told me that if I screwed up in any way by the time he got home , he would make sure that he would beat me down to hell ! He said it in such an evil way , that it sent a cold rush down my spine . As I got closer , I noticed something small move right across the window . It scared me at first , but then I assumed it was just my imagination & I went ahead and shut the window . As I was walking downstairs , I heard something moving around outside . I stood still for a moment , then shrugged it off and went downstairs to the den . I got inside and locked the door behind me . I looked up at the clock to see that it was close to midnight , so I decided to finish up with my escape plan and then watch some TV . About 30 minutes later , I finally sat down to watch TV and relax a little before going to bed . Just then , I heard someone ringing the doorbell and banging on the front door . I knew who that was . As I opened the door , I saw my ex standing there all out of breath and pale . He had some scrapes on his face and hands . All I could see was the cold air coming in and out of his mouth as he tried to catch his breath . I started to ask him what was wrong . All of a sudden , he looked behind him . He let out this horrific loud cry , then pushed me aside so he could get in to lock the door behind him . I followed him all around the house , asking him what had happened . He never said one word . He just went upstairs to the master bathroom and sat on the floor , where he continued to shake vigorously with fear . He began by telling me that his friends had left the bar before he did , and so he decided to walk home . He took a short - cut across the old wooden bridge by Whispering Creek , when all of the sudden , he felt a cold rush of air , and then everything went dead silent . As he got to the middle of the bridge , he said he heard the cries of a newborn . He said it startled him because there are no homes anywhere near that bridge . As he looked over the bridge , he said he saw a small white blanket with something moving around in it . That 's when heard the baby cry again . Very quickly , he ran down the hill by the bridge to grab this abandoned baby . . . He bent over and picked the baby up , and as he was holding it , he pulled the blanket from its head and said the baby couldn 't have been more than a week old . He said that just then , the baby stopped crying and opened its eyes . This is when my ex started shaking even more . What he told me after this , will haunt my mind for the rest of my life . . . He said that the baby 's eyes were pitch black with no white anywhere around them . Then the baby looked directly at him and said with a deep demonic voice , " Look , daddy , I have teeth ! " as it was pointing at these very pointy teeth . My ex said that he completely froze as that thing began to laugh in a very demonic tone . . . " Muahahahahahaha ! ! ! " I told my mother about this when my children and I arrived there . She said that only a man who abuses his children and wife is a man that has the devil in him . My mother also said that the devil baby my ex had encountered was real , and that it was a symbol of who he himself had become . My mother continued to tell me that the reason I heard that thing outside , was probably so I would know later that my ex 's encounter was all true . My children and I have not had contact with him since . . . and none of us seem to mind ! " My mom and stepdad were catering a party , and they entrusted me with my sister for the night . At the time , my sister was around four years old . My friend that lived across the street , Marlie , was also staying over to keep us company , and we were told that if anything went wrong , to go back to Marlie 's house , because her mother was home . There was no contact number for my mother , which worried her particularly , but I assured her that we would be okay . After all , I was in 7th grade , had always been a responsible girl , and I seriously wanted for Mom to trust me to stay home alone at night whether I was babysitting or not . The night began on a fun note . We ate an incredible meal that Mom had left for us , my sister was behaving , and for the most part , playing with our calico kitten , Katie . All of us were in the living room watching television . Then , we heard the noises in my mother 's bedroom . She had a creaky bed that made noises when anyone sat on it , and that was the first thing we heard , followed by the slamming open of the sliding closet door . Being the " brave " one , I went to investigate , and found that there was an impression on the bed that looked as though someone were lying on it , and the closet door was wide open . Even my little sister knew something was amiss here , because my mother 's nickname is " Mrs . Clean " and you can bounce quarters off a bed made by her ! Leaving a closet door open is almost a mortal sin ! Marlie and I laughingly blamed a ghost , and were about to sit down once more , when we heard yet another noise . . . This time , the noise had come from my bedroom . Anyone that has ever lived in a trailer will know that footsteps and anything dropped , will be heard even in the largest of trailers , and this sounded like someone had taken a large book and thrown it to the floor . It was really LOUD ! I thought to make a run for Marlie 's mom , but Marlie talked me out of it , thinking that if there were living culprits , they might still be out there , and opening the door would be more dangerous than just staying put . We could not call Marlie 's mom because their phone was broken . My sister was in hysterics at this point , and the noises had not stopped . Calming my sister down enough to make her listen , I told her that I was going to call the police , and not to tell Mom , or she would be afraid to let me babysit ever again . When the police arrived , they looked all over the property for footprints around the house and found none . We calmly explained what had happened , and Marlie 's mom , seeing the commotion , came over , backing up our story about my mother 's whereabouts and assuring the police that neither Marlie nor myself were the type to make things up . The police left , and Marlie 's mom listened to the story once more . She was convinced that it was nothing living , but graciously gave her daughter the choice as to whether or not she wanted to stay . Marlie , surprisingly , decided to stay , and we set up a signal , so that if we needed her mom to return , we could just flash the living room lights three times . Things quieted down after that . Shortly afterward , the three of us camped out in my room with the cat . Marlie and I had a hard time sleeping , but did not want to leave my sister alone while she slept , still cuddled with her tolerant cat . For hours , we could hear the whisperings of what seemed like a group of people outside the bedroom door , that were just quiet enough to be heard without their words being understood . We were so relieved when my mom got home , but I never told her what had happened until the next day , when my sister started to talk about it , breaking her promise , as four year olds will do . " Let me assure you , this story is completely true . I wish it wasn 't . My Grandparents owned an older home , approximately 200 years old now . This home had a small apartment within it . My parents had lived in the apartment when they were first married . At 16 years old , my Grandparents allowed me to live there , alone . There was always an uncomfortable feeling about the little apartment , like someone watching you . It was eerie , and everyone who had been there , had sensed it . No one liked to be left alone there , myself included . I would frequently invite my friends to spend the night , just so I wasn 't always alone there . My best friend , Barb , was spending the night with me one cold winter evening . So cold in fact , that I had dragged my mattress out to the living room , the warmest room in the apartment . Barb was sleeping on the couch , and I drifted off moments later . I was sound asleep , flat on my back . I felt it before I saw it . Before opening my eyes , I was aware that someone was laying on top of me , and quite heavy at that ! For a split second , the moment before opening my eyes , I wondered , " Has Barb lost her marbles ? ! " Then after a few blinks , I saw it . A woman , completely white from head to toe . I could see her white hair floating about her . She was somehow , ghastly ! I can 't explain it really , she just was . I was overwhelmed with fear ; I had to , needed to , wanted to scream ! I opened my mouth to draw in a breath . I felt my lungs empty , like I had fallen on my back and the wind was forced out . I could not scream because she had sucked the life breath from me ! Then the weight began to lift , first from my chest then mid - section . I began to gasp for air , staring wide eyed at her face . Finally , she completely raised herself off of me , and then . . . . she smiled . I will never get the picture out of my mind - - a most horrid smile , a look of satisfaction . Then she was gone . As soon as the fear had subsided enough for my breath and my speech to return , I did scream ! Barb awoke from her place on the sofa . " What 's wrong ? ? " she ask ~ Queenie ~ So what do you think ? Maybe there 's a reason why some people see him / it and others don 't ? I really wanna get to the bottom of this mystery , because this guy has been seen way too much for there not to be something to it ! If any of you have seen this shadow dude , please drop me a line . I would really like to hear your story . This Shadow figure , a paranormal entity called the Hat Man , is usually an ominous figure . People often report feeling the entity is somehow feeding from their fear . However , H . W . doesn 't think this Hat Man was threatening . The witnesses came to H . W . 's mother 's door , he feels , because she was the oldest person living on the street . As such , she knew the person who built the house . The man , who died in the late 1950s , often wore a fedora , although that style was common in Brazil at the time . " It 's an intriguing story indeed , especially since other sightings of the same type ( are ) happening all over the world , " H . W . said . " I wouldn 't be sharing this story if it wasn 't because of the fedora hat detail , which immediately called my attention . Why the hat ? " " It 's full of little kids who spend most of the day in there , " H . W . said . " I sometimes feel the urge to ask the teachers or caretakers , without specifics , if they ever see anything unusual in that place . But I feel reluctant , considering the nature of their business and potential legal implications for unproven rumors . " " It looks like I 'm not crazy after all ! I have encountered shadow people whe I was very young , possibly at the age of 9 . I contracted the flu and had a very high fever . I went into the kitchen to cool myself off with some cold water and when I turned my head right to face the dining room , I saw around 7 to 11 shadow people moving around the table counter - clockwise , at a fast pace . Their appearance is still clear to me . Tall , thin , no feet or facial features , all black , and to say the least , having long top hats . I was then rushed to the hospital for treatment , then brought back home . Years later , I told my younger brother about my experience , and to my suprise , he had seen the exact same thing when he 'd almost died from a fever at the age of 6 . I remembered the incident , but had never asked him . The beings were in the living room . This is no joke ! Those things are very real and are not up to no good ! Terrifying as hell ! " " When I was seven , maybe even eight years old , I slept in my parents bed , because it was raining out . I saw what appeared to be a tall shadow with a cow boy hat and a long jacket , on the left hand side of their bedroom . I 've been doing research on it and they call it / him " The Hat Man . " It seems that he comes to children in their room while they are sleeping . Also , around that time , my little brother who was three or four , was in his room whistling a strange tune . Me and my younger and older sister heard him , so we went to see what was going on , cause he didn 't know how to whistle . We went to his room and asked him where he learned it , and he said that the " black man " taught him . My father has seen a black shadow his whole life . What does he want ? Is he evil ? Who might he be ? " " The hat man visited me in my late teens at my parent 's home in Perth , Western Australia . He only visited me once , and I am so very thankful I have never seen him again . He exuded pure evil , and his presence totally scared the crap out of me . I was asleep in my bed and I woke up in the middle of the night . Wide awake . He was standing at the end of my bed staring at me , watching me . He didn 't move or say anything to me , he was just watching me . I was terrified ( I thought I had an intruder in my room ) and immediately squirmed under my blankets . After about 20 minutes of nothing happening and my heart thumping so hard it was painful I gathered the courage to pull down the covers and switch on the light in one swift movement . He was gone . My bedroom door was closed and I checked everywhere in the room . No sign of him ! To describe him , he was much taller than an average man and wearing a coat and top hat . The brim of the hat wasn 't as wide as shown in the pictures on the internet . He was basically a black silhouette from top to toe with no face that I could see , and his silhouette was blacker than the black of night , solid , and very clear ( ie : he wasn 't like a fuzzy shadow or transparent like a ghost ) . I never shared my story with anyone for 15 years and then a few years ago I decided to do a google on him because I have obviously never forgotten the experience . You can imagine how freaked out I was to find so many others had seen the EXACT same thing . I really want to know who he is and why he visits ? I 've had some pretty tragic things happen in my life - wonder if his visit was a warning or sign of some sort ? I have never seen him since , nor do I EVER EVER want to ! ! Absolutely terrifying ! " I 'd hoped by part three , to have at least some clue as to what these strange beings might be , but unfortunately , I think now , I 'm even more confused ! They 've been described as ghosts , demons , aliens , time - travelers , etc . I just have to go with my own feelings here , that just maybe , these beings are some sort of aliens , that are here to observe us . . . and are trying to disquise themselves with the hat and coat . ( And trust me , I know how that sounds ) but is it any worse a guess than all the other guesses ? Please don 't think that just because I write a blog about the paranormal , that I 'm not sympathetic to what some of you may be going through , regarding these shadow " beings " . . . ( for lack of a better word ) I really don 't know what to call them . But what I do know , is what it 's like to be nervous , or downright scared of the dark , when bedtime rolls around every night . You see , though I 've never seen a shadow person , or even a ghost , I 've heard things that I know were of a paranormal nature . Things that tormented me in bed at night . . . things that wouldn 't let me rest , and frightened me to the point of sleeping so far under the blankets , that I would wake up in the mornings with my hair dripping wet , from sweating all night . I 'll talk more about that in my next blog , but for now , I wanna talk about this . . . " HAT MAN " . . . " It 's taken some time for me to finally address a clearer picture of what the thing I 've coined to be called " The Hat Man " is , and what he 's about . He came at a time when the Shadow People had made themselves known to me . I admit that this occurrence sounded quite a bit different from the Shadow People . But in knowing that the Shadows could take on various forms , even influencing people , including taking on the form of what 's called the Men In Black , I was nearly certain he was merely one of the Shadows . Apparently , I had the right idea , but not fully . Seems this Hat Man is indeed related to the " dark side " as the Shadow People are even with similar agendas , but he can come at precise times in a person 's life or not . Shadow People like to choke , scare , absorb fear and cause it . This Hat Man can do and will do these same things , but is mostly known for and seen as an observer who appears and quickly leaves . Sometimes the timing is significant , while other times it can leave you scratching your head about why he came at all . If there is anything of importance I 'd like to say about a person seeing this Hat Man , is that it is a worldwide phenomenon . Him showing up doesn 't necessarily mean you are about to die , or that someone close to you will . " I hope this gives some comfort to those of you having problems with this A - hole ! And another thing I 've learned in my research of this being , is that he seems to thrive off of fear . So even though he ( IT , whatever ! ) has been described as " terrifying " , if you can somehow be braver than I was as a child , and come out from under the blankets and CONFRONT this bastard . . . maybe . . . JUST MAYBE , he would finally GO AWAY ! ! Single mom of two boys , ages 12 & 19 . I am also mommy to a goldfish , a box turtle , and a Jack - Russell puppy . I love all of them dearly ! : ) |
" When you read A New Death , I think you will be shocked to learn that it is the authors first novel . The story is well written and has a good quick pace . It is surprisingly upbeat for a zombie apocalypse novel . I enjoyed it and definitely recommend it . " - J . Meister " I can 't believe this is the authors first book . Very well written and flowed great . You Mr . Vasquez are a gifted story teller . I really enjoyed the character development , I could not put this book down I think this is the fastest I 've read a book . " - Jesse E . " Josh Vasquez has done a fine job for his first effort . The characters grab your attention and pull you along with them . This is very much a character driven tale and it works well . Plenty of zombie action and questions to answer . I am looking forward to the next installment . " - Belle Rouge " Easy to read and entertaining . Fast moving . I Looking forward to the next book ! Perhaps the Bible talk may be a turn off for some but so far it was tolerable . " - Amazon Customer " This is a bit different from other zombie books . There are the usual slow ones and some runners . What makes it different is that the bitten change into muscle bound rage monsters . While this not the best book I have ever read it certainly isn 't the worst . It 's a good first book . " - ladyboss230 First , A New Darkness releases on Kindle this Saturday ! You can still pre - order it and save 33 % on this weekend 's price and 66 % on list price . If you haven 't yet , go and get it here . Maybe you 're like , " I still haven 't read A New Death yet . " Well , good for you , A New Death is on sale until Saturday ! Get it for $ 1 . 99 here ! Or maybe you like paper . ( Who doesn 't ? Books smell amazing . ) Well , good news for you , I 've made some updates to the paperback version of A New Death and started work on the A New Darkness paperback this week . So both of those will be live in the next couple of weeks . It 's called Thunderclap . Thunderclap works like this : You go and hook up your social media ( Facebook , Twitter , and Tumblr ) to my Thunderclap promotion . Then on Saturday at noon , Thunderclap will blast out a message featuring my book and link through all of our social media accounts . Pretty cool , right ? The only catch is I have to get full support or else the message won 't go out . As of right now , I 'm at 14 out of 100 supporters . With only 14 people signed on , it already has a reach of 4313 people . Can you imagine if we get all 100 ? I 've done this before and have never received any junk mail from it , or any emails afterwards . It 's an extremely easy way to help support me . All you have to do is give up one tweet or status update on Saturday . The wood crackled and shifted in the brick fireplace . Lexx leaned forward and placed another log into the slowly dying fire . It quickly caught flame and the fire grew . Before reclining back into his spot against the couch , he pulled a small sliver from the fire and held the burning tip to his newly found cigar . He puffed patiently , allowing the tobacco to light . A sweet smelling smoke filled the room , but no one seemed to mind . The man grinned his boyish - grin and sat back into his spot next to Tori on the carpet . Josh lay adjacent to them in the love seat ; his feet pointed towards the warmth of the fireplace . His eyes were shut , most likely resting , not sleeping . Every now and again , his toes would wiggle , almost to acknowledge he was still awake . Everyone was exhausted . It could be seen on each one of their faces . The events of the past few days had been physically wearing , and just as emotionally tiresome . After leaving Savannah and the trials that they faced there , the road to Josh 's family did not seem any easier . Three times already they have had to find an alternate route due to road blocks . Once , they actually found themselves on I - 16 which should have been clogged with fleeing traffic , but due to a massive pile - up , was mostly empty past Effingham County . And then there were the dead . Their numbers weren 't swollen like in the city , but the small groups that banded together out in the country could be just as frustrating . They did seem to group together . Josh was convinced that the undead didn 't " communicate " in a normal sense , but when one moaned , the others heard it and moved in that direction . He was afraid of them grouping in large numbers , like at the grocery store and the day he rescued the others . But despite all this , despite that they were probably still a day 's journey from his family , everyone was in good spirits . The house they were currently in was a God - send . It was tucked out of the way , away from the roads and neighboring homes . And best of all , it was left almost entirely intact . Whoever lived here , left everything and split . There was the possibility that they never came home , but no one ever brought that up . Jeremy tried not to think about Ben , to which he immediately felt somewhat guilty for trying to do . He did want to remember him , but it was still hard . The two men had formed a friendship against the backdrop of the end of the world . Jeremy was just glad that the Lumberjack got what he deserved for killing Ben . " So , Josh , " Lexx started . " I still haven 't heard how you ended up being in the right place at the right time . I didn 't have the pleasure of riding in the cab of the truck . " " Yeah , that 's fine , I guess . Not like we 'll be sleeping much anyway , " he said , playfully elbowing Tori in her ribs . She pushed him away , but couldn 't hide the small smile on her face . Everyone settled down . Tori and Lexx moved from the floor to the couch ; Jeremy brought the seat up , but left the footrest out for optimal foot warming from the fire . Lexx reached over , grabbed the blanket sitting on the arm of the couch and then to proceeded to cover himself and Tori . She snuggled into his side . " Work sent me down to Brunswick late in the afternoon last Thursday . We were finishing a job down there , a high school , and had to get a whole bunch of our ladders and tools out of the building . It was this whole last minute " fiasco " ( he uses " air - quotes " ) , and the stuff had to be out of the school by that night . So , I got the pleasure of driving south and picking everything up . I left our shop - Can I just say something real quick ? I think it 's crazy how the warehouse that y ' all met in and spent your first night together , is the same place I work . I mean , what are those odds ? That you would stay there and then later , when all hope seems lost , who shows up ? Just a guy driving a truck from the same exact place ! Anyways , just thought I 'd say that . So , I left the shop sometime around two , I think ? Yeah , it was around two , because I remember thinking about how Brunswick is an hour away , and that meant two hours of travel time and however long it would take to load everything on the truck . And it was so hot that day . So freaking hot . I get down to the job site around three . Everything was still normal then . A couple of the guys met me outside the school and informed me that they were still hunting down ladders within the building . Tools have a great way of disappearing on construction sites , but I digress . It takes us an hour to track down the last five remaining ladders . The school was massive , this two - story deal , with a huge courtyard in the middle of it . Everything there was state of the art . Real top - notch kind of place . Kids would have been lucky to have gone there if they ever got the chance . But now they won 't . At least for now . I was fixing to crank up the truck and leave , when we heard the first of the screams . They came from the front side of the building . The three of us ran towards the commotion ; I left the keys dangling in the ignition . I quickly passed both of them . Both were chain - smokers and both were having trouble catching their breath . What they were about to see , would not help . I got there first and knew instantly what was going on . When I saw the four bodies hunched over the kicking and screaming man , I knew exactly what I was looking at . There was no question in my mind . But , even though I knew what was happening , my body wouldn 't react . I remember standing there , frozen to the ground ; my brain racing to process this new information . I screamed within my skull , yelling at myself to move , to act somehow . Johnny and Larry finally arrived next to me . Johnny was keeled over , trying to catch his breath . I seemed to snap out of my daze when they showed up . Larry 's jaw hung open . He went to move forward , to try and help the attacked man , but I held him back . There was nothing we could do for him now . I 'll spare you the details , because I 'm sure you 're aware of the gore these monsters are capable of inflicting . Even if we did get him away from the feeding , there was no way the three of us blue - collar boys would know how to put everything back in him , in the right places . The four zombies were a mixed bag of characters . One construction worker , complete with reflective vest and hardhat . One college kid from the neighboring local university across the street . A guy in business suit and one soccer mom . Of the four , she looked the most fresh , but I would still have classified them as the ' slower ' ones . She noticed us first . Forgetting about the meal in front of her , she slowly stood up , meat hanging from her mouth , and began shambling in our direction . I think my co - workers were still confused at the time as to what was really going on . Larry moved forward again , and for the second time , I held him back . ' There 's nothing we can do for her now , Larry , ' I said . ' We have to go . It 's not safe to stay here . ' He looked at me like I was insane . His shoulder jerked out of my hand as he made his way towards the dead woman . Her arms reached out to him , welcoming his approach . I motioned to Johnny for us to leave . He hesitated a moment , but nodded , and we turned to run . I looked around . More corpses were wandering onto the jobsite . How there were that many , so quick , I don 't understand . It was almost like a switch was flipped and they came off an assembly line . We made the plan to go to his house first . He lived right outside of Brunswick , so it wasn 't far . I knew I had to get to my family back in Savannah , but between my brother - in - law and father - in - law , I knew they would get out of the city safely . My plan was to get Johnny set at his place and then go north from there . At the time , I didn 't know it would take me several days to get back home . I spent that first night at Johnny 's place , helping him set up some defenses . His plan was to hunker down and ride this thing out . And for him that was a great plan . He had mountains of those military meal - ready - to - eat 's , guns galore , and a great location . His home was situated deep within the woods and far enough away from the general population . In the whole time I 've known Johnny , I never would have known he was a doomsday prepper . I left early that next morning . He offered for me to take some MRE 's for the road , so I took several . Those things are definitely designed for essential nutrition , not taste ! ( He chuckles to himself . ) The military 's take on mashed potatoes was indeed questionable . I thanked him and wished him luck before I drove off . Interstate 95 was out of the question . From the exit ramp , I could see it was completely clogged with cars and chaos . I knew I would be taking back roads , but which ones I was unsure . Normally , I would carry a map of Georgia with me . Despite my driving all over the state for my company , they seemed to think that directions scribbled down on a yellow piece of paper were far more superior to a GPS system . I got lost one time too many , so I finally broke down and bought a good old - fashioned folding map . Never got lost again . Highway 17 would have been my next best choice of getting home as quickly as possible . And it would have been , if I didn 't keep running into roadblocks of all freaking kinds . Car wrecks were the worst . Some I was able to get by , thanks to the new brush - guard my company bought for the truck . Others on the other hand required some extensive backtracking and huge losses of time . I eventually had to stop for the night . I didn 't want to risk anything in the dark . Being out in the country , the only light I had was the moon , the stars , and the headlights of the truck . Long story short , I found an old , abandoned barn to sleep in . I didn 't want to sleep in the truck , running the chance of getting surrounded and trapped . My cell phone didn 't have any reception , and I don 't think it was because I was in the middle of nowhere . I had the sneaky suspicion that no cell phones had reception . Anywhere . The next morning , I woke up and made my way down to the truck . I was stopped when I saw one lone zombie wandering between the truck and myself . It was a little boy , maybe ten years old . He wore a Buzz Lightyear t - shirt and stained matching pajama pants . His skin was their trademark pale , his eyes sunken and dark . Small bits of blood gathered around his lips . I wished Johnny would have offered me one of his guns , a pistol at least , but the only thing I had for a weapon was the steel pipe I kept on the truck . It was about a foot and a half long , with a ninety - degree elbow on the end . I kept it on the truck , just in case I ever got into any trouble and needed some physical reinforcement . The boy saw me and began to shamble in my direction . Zombie children are not really something you see a lot of in zombie video games or movies . And I understand why now . His gait was uneven as he hobbled over to me , his little jaw clamping open and shut . He held up his arms , fingers curled , reaching for me . I knew what I had to do ; I just didn 't want to . I swung the pipe , the steel elbow connecting with the boy 's temple . His skull quickly shattered and his body fell limp onto the ground in front of me , thick , red blood oozing from the gaping wound in his head . I stood there in silence for a moment , not sure what to do with myself . The boy was in between the ages of my niece and nephew . My desire to get home grew exponentially . I would pull into the Savannah area later that night . My wife 's sister and her family lived outside of Savannah in Port Wentworth . It took some time avoiding the city , but I finally made it to their house around ten . The place was a mess when I got there . A pile of bodies in the living room , the front door broken in , everything missing from the cabinets , and a trail of blood leading away from the pantry to outside . At first , I was really worried , but quickly relaxed a little . All the food was missing . It took me a minute to realize that meant they were alive . Scavengers wouldn 't have taken everything . Pots , pans , and all the other cooking utensils were gone too . No , my family made it out alive . I was still concerned with all the blood though . Obviously , the bodies in the living room were zombies who had broken in the front door . As I pulled them back outside , I took note of the bullet holes in each one 's forehead . No doubt , my brother - in - law 's doing . The last one I went to pull out didn 't have a bullet wound in the head , no , its face was smashed in completely . I spent some time securing the front and back doors as best as I could , before I walked around and inspected the house . Like I said , the kitchen was empty . I guess they didn 't think I 'd want a snack . Luckily , I still had one MRE left . After finishing that off , I went to check the rest of the house . The master bedroom was a mess , but to be honest , that was somewhat normal . I walked into the adjoining bathroom . " " There was a note written to me on the mirror . It was written by my wife informing me that they were gone to the cabin . The cabin is an old farmhouse that we restored out past Statesboro . It 's our little vacation spot . I had feeling they would be there , but knew I should check Savannah first before heading out west , just in case they didn 't make it out . But seeing her handwriting on the mirror was just further evidence that they had escaped . She also left me the combination to the gun safe as well . I was relieved that although they didn 't leave me anything to eat , they had at least thought to leave me a weapon . Upon opening the safe , I found out that wasn 't entirely the case . Sitting inside the safe was a single six - shot , snub - nosed revolver . And one bullet . One . A note written on a post - it , in my brother - in - law 's handwriting , read , ' just in case . ' Just in case ? It took me a second to understand what it meant . It was a way out . Not that I would use it now , but if I ever got trapped and the only way out was to become a walking corpse , this would give me an alternative . It made me smile , because they knew that I would make it to them alive . They knew there was no way I would let it come to that . And they were right . I woke up the next morning ready to get to my family . As I passed my niece and nephew 's bedrooms upstairs , I stopped and remembered the two of them and how much they meant to me and my wife . We loved those kids like our own . CJ was thirteen now and just growing into this awesome guy . He was huge for his age , as tall as me and his father , maybe even taller . The boy was solid too . He had played football since me and his aunt started dating . But the kid had character too . He was light years ahead of his friends in maturity . He was respectful and a hard worker . While most kids his age were playing video games , he was restoring a Chevrolet Chevelle with his father so he would have a car when he was sixteen . Crazy , right ? You know what I was doing at thirteen ? Trying to figure out how to catch all the Pokémon ! " " Hailey , " Josh continued . " Hailey was just as much fun . She was eight going on nine and talked nonstop . She had grown into that age where everything she thought , was also broadcasted to the world . It could grow old real quick , but I would have given anything then to hear her little voice . As I took one final look at her room , before passing on , I noticed that all her stuffed animals were still sitting on her bed . I guess Chris didn 't let her take any , to save room in the vehicles for important things . I walked into her room and grabbed the green frog I had seen her with numerous times . I smiled and went downstairs . After retrieving the revolver from the gun safe , I had left it there the night before ; I made my way to the back door . The blood leading out from the pantry began to worry me . Why would there have been a bloody something in the pantry ? It was empty now , so whatever it was , was long gone . I shook it off and readied myself for what could be waiting for me outside . I opened the back door and there were three zombies in between me and the truck . Two of them I didn 't recognize , but one I did . It was Susan Powers , whom the kids lovingly called , " Ms . P . " She was missing chunks of flesh from her right arm and neck . She was wearing a half - open bathrobe and pink house slippers . Her eyes were the same dead black just like all the others , any trace of who the woman was before long gone . The three of them smelled me and fumbled their way up the steep driveway . I clutched the steel pipe tightly as I ran towards them . I swung the pipe connecting with the first one 's forehead , a mist of red spraying me in the face . I pulled the elbow out of its skull and swung again , bringing the pipe across the second one 's face . It too caved in , leaving me and Ms . P . She wasn 't the least bit concerned with her fallen friends ' demises , but continued her small uncoordinated steps towards me . No remorse , no concern except to feed . I put her down quickly as well . More dead were coming into the neighborhood , so I made haste to get into the truck and leave . I pulled out of there quick , as the mass of undead inhabitants poured in . I wasn 't sure if they smelled my fresh meat , or maybe it was the sound of the truck , but they were coming from all over . " I stopped and … and there she was . She was standing there in the middle of the road , almost as if she was blocking me in . It didn 't take long for me to notice who the short , little , blonde haired , once blue eyed girl was who stood out in front of me . Except her eyes were no longer the vivid blue , but black as starless night . Near her ankle were the remains of dried blood . In the hand of her slack left arm a pink teddy bear was still grasped . I remember getting out of the still running truck and walking up to her . She let out a small moan as I neared ; my hands trembling . I had left the pipe on the seat of the truck . What was I to do ? The fact that she was standing there in front of me , dead , well , all the hope I had of finding my family alive vanished . Her one free arm reached out for her uncle and it took everything in me not to reach out and pull her in and whisper that everything was going to be okay . " I was sitting in the truck after that when your voice came on the radio . You sounded so scared and like you had no way out . I 'm not sure why , but I knew I had to help you . " As Jeremy lay in the bed , staring up in the ceiling , his mind wandered in thought . He felt sorry for Josh and the loss of his niece . He knew what it was like to lose someone close . His mother had at least lived a full life . An eight - year - old girl on the other hand , that was a hard thing to accept . Traffic was at a standstill . It had been thirty minutes since James Brighton and his car had moved forward an inch . In the Georgia heat and humidity , thirty minutes was forever , especially if you do not have air - conditioning . Sitting high above the Savannah River on the Talmadge Bridge , James wiped sweat from his face and fanned himself with an old catalog that never made it inside from the mailbox . His small , four - doored compact was full of his belongings . His trunk was stuffed with suitcases filled with his clothes ; his TV and other electronics filled the backseat along with anything else he grabbed in his rush to leave the house . He should have . His brother called him before everything even happened . Tried to warn him to get the hell out of the city , but just like always , he ignored his older brother 's sound advice . He had laughed it off at the time . The dead walking and eating the flesh of the living ? Strange government orders ? Please , James had said , that was movie stuff . The dead were walking , and they were in fact eating the flesh of the living . James had seen it himself . There was a septuagenarian woman living in the apartment next to him . She could not even hear her own TV and blared the volume throughout the night , but she always complained to the super anytime James had a few friends over . She was the first one that James saw turn . How sad , James had thought at the time . Alzheimer 's must be kicking in . Maybe even Dementia . But it was not Alzheimer 's . Or Dementia . It was something else . Something that made the old woman attack James with an unnatural strength and try to tear the skin from his bones . He grimaced . He could not forget the sickening crack of skull and the slosh of brain matter from when he was forced to bash her head against his doorknob . He closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands , his forehead slick with perspiration . He should have listened to his big brother . Okay , maybe not perfect , but definitely their father 's idea of perfect . John had been the Boy Scout , the war hero , the family man . Basically , everything that James was not . While John was a respectable fighter pilot for the Marines , James worked at Home Depot . Nothing wrong with working at Home Depot , but when stacked against his brother 's list of accomplishments , James always fell short . What made it unbearable was that John never gloated in it . He had been the perfect big brother . John never picked on James growing up , always looked out for his younger brother , and even lent him money when James needed it . James was on the uphill climb of the bridge , and from where he was sitting , he couldn 't see what the holdup was . This particular stretch of road between Georgia and South Carolina was notorious for horrible back - ups . With the sudden exodus from Savannah , it was much worse . Looking out to his right , over the Savannah Riverfront , he saw two small dots appear just above the horizon . They increased in size as they drew closer ; their shapes began to grow more familiar to James . Soon enough , the sound that followed them arrived , a roar of engines and wind . The thought of the military bombing the city was ridiculous . Sure , when he had passed through the city , he saw plenty of the monsters attacking people , but there were still people fighting back and numerous others still alive . The city was not completely overrun yet . It would be complete overkill to level Savannah . The pair of jets flew over the bridge . They were low enough to where you could see the markings on the side . It could have been his imagination , but James swore he saw his brother 's call sign on one of the jets . They passed over and then shot up into the sky . James heard screaming come from the Savannah bound lanes . He looked over to see , about fifty feet away , a monster attacking its family inside a car . It was held back by its seat belt , but was able to grab a hold of the person next to them . Blood pulsed onto the window , covering the carnage behind it . The people in the cars nearby began to panic . Multiple drivers began to try and push themselves away from the blood - soaked vehicle . This only caused the cars to become more gridlocked . Finally , a large black man , the size of a football player , got out of his truck . In his hand was a rather large hammer . He went over to the monster 's vehicle , opened the door , and began swinging the hammer into the creature 's head . After several swings , the thing 's body went still . The man looked at the remaining family , nodded , and then returned to his vehicle . Like James had told his brother over the phone , this was all movie stuff . Fictional . Make - believe . However , reality made a hard argument that the events starting yesterday were very , very real . As if to punctuate his thoughts on reality , he saw movement out of the corner of his eye . In front of him , the bridge erupted into flame and debris . The suspension cables groaned and snapped as the bridge twisted from the explosion . James shielded his eyes from the heat blast . He could barely see through the thick black smoke and fire , but he heard screaming . It took him a moment to realize it was his own . The car in front of him slammed into him in reverse , pushing him back into another car . He tried stomping down on the brakes , but the car kept pushing . When the cars behind them would move no more , the driver got out and began running away from the blast . Others did the same . James got out of his car and ran . Others bumped into him as they all ran for safety . There was a loud crack as one of the suspension cables broke loose and landed on a row of cars , crushing them and their inhabitants . James picked up speed . He ran several feet until a large weight crashed into him . It sent him flying into a minivan , and he hit the ground with a thud . The weight was quickly on top of him . There was a sharp pain in his stomach as he opened his eyes . The weight was humanoid , but it wasn 't human . It couldn 't be . Its eyes were as black as tar , bloodshot . Its open mouth revealed rows of broken , jagged teeth . Rich , red blood hemorrhaged from the cracks of its eyes , nostrils , and the corners of its lips . It wasn 't wearing a shirt , but James could not distinguish its gender . Its chest looked to be torn off ; the beginnings of rib cage poking through . He coughed , blood spurting from his mouth . He felt his body go into shock . He did not feel the pain , only the wiggling of fingers inside him . James watched as the monster pulled out several feet of intestine and shoved them into its mouth . It chewed , bile and fluids dripping down its chin . It could have been his imagination again , or maybe the loss of blood , but James could have sworn it grinned as it ate . Here is Xavier 's take on the chase scene through Savannah 's Forsyth Park . He did a great job of showing the overhanging Oak branches and the beautiful fountain located in the historic park . Anyone who read A New Death will remember this scene and what happened next ! Don 't worry , I know you 're concerned . You 're probably like , " Joshua , what the heck have you been doing ? I 've been waiting forever for this book ! " In school , I always waited to the last minute to start reports or any other kind of projects . And for the most part , I always came through . This might turn some of you off , but I was that kid that just naturally retained information . ( Except for math , that junk is hard . ) I rarely studied for tests , I just remembered what I was taught . Probably not . You see , we all know that , " With great power , comes great responsibility . " Well , because I retained facts so easily , I didn 't apply myself that much . In fact , I spent a lot of my spare time writing stories that no one will ever read . ( We see where that got me . ) I 'm going to bust this story out this next month . I know exactly where I 'm going with it . I know where it ends . * * * SPOILERS * * * I 've already hit the climax and it 's all downhill from here . ( Okay , that wasn 't really spoilers , but people are weird about that kind of stuff . ) My senior year in high school : The year was 2006 . A year of dreams . A year of aspirations . In my 12th grade Lit class , part of our final grade was a book report . I had a buddy , who shall remain anonymous , who , let 's say , didn 't care for reading . ( I know , who doesn 't like reading ? ) Anyways , he decided to hire me as a ghostwriter . ( That 's what I 'm calling it . ) The deal was , he would pay me $ 90 and I would do his report . Simple . Plus , the book was 1984 . ( No ! Don 't throw me into that briar patch ! ) I spent the majority of the time working on and writing his report . This was the first time I was being paid for writing , so I wanted to do the best I could . ( Although I did knock off $ 10 for a sandwich , but I digress . ) I decided to do it on a book I had already read , so I choose Animal Farm . I knocked out my report quickly and didn 't really put that much into it . Well , when we received our papers back , I ended up scoring several points higher than his . Long story short , I work well under pressure . . Speaking of working under pressure , I have set Book 2 up for pre - order on Amazon . I have to have it finished by October 1st and it will go live on October 10th ! The cover is temporary , but the name has been revealed ! Pre - order A New Darkness now on Amazon ! |
Month : February 2012 Me and Yahoo February 25 , 2012March 13 , 2012 ~ amanda ~ Leave a comment I am a full time student right now . With all these classes to keep up on , I have limited time to write the second novel I started last summer . Fortunately , I 've found a way around this little dilemma and it just so happens that an English class gave me the opportunity . For this class , I 'm actually required to write small articles for Yahoo ! Delighted to , I 'm sure . So , in the past couple of months , I 've written and published four . All of them happened to be creative writing assignments , which is my favorite type of writing anyway . Would you like to read them ? Here you go : Last Night , Dreary Lane , The Place , My Girl Lauren Enjoy ! Chastity February 10 , 2012March 13 , 2012 ~ amanda ~ 1 Comment She had a soft way about her and a pretty face . She looked happy and content in her white apron as she moved around the kitchen , peeping under pot lids , pulling a dish from the oven . She checked the time and quickly went to the door , calling a little girl from her play outside . She ran in , hair tousled , cheeks rosy , laughing . The little girl set to work while her mother turned down burners and set the oven temperature at warm to keep the food hot until Daddy came home . The lady went to the window and looked out while the little girl finished . Her eyes weren 't seeing , just thinking . She did not look happy or sad , but somewhere in between . The girl finished her task and put her arms around her mother 's waist , looking up into her face . It was a rainy day in April when Alan first saw her , leaning against a wall in the alley just opposite his window . Wanton . That was the first word that came to his mind . Then beautiful . She watched the passing cars with interest , a little too much interest . Under those thick eyelashes , her eyes smoldered and beckoned . It was hard for him to concentrate on lesson plans knowing she was out there and what she was doing . He thought of calling the police , but he knew a girl like that would be back at it later , somewhere else . It wouldn 't help her . She stood there for an hour . Finally , one of the cars slowed down . She walked to it and leaned in the window . Alan watched as money passed from hand to hand . She opened the door to get in and then froze , seeing him for the first time . It was too late to turn away from the window . Her eyes locked with his , like a deer caught in the headlights , speaking of shame , humiliation , fear . The man in the car honked the horn , anxious to get his money 's worth . Startled , she blinked . She flipped her hair away from her face with a toss of her head , glaring at the young man in the window . " Try and stop me , " he whispered to her . " That 's what you 're thinking , isn 't it ? If only I could . " Slowly he turned and continued his lesson plans . He was a school teacher , fresh out of school , teaching rough kids in a rough neighborhood . His neighborhood . It was his first night in his first house . His first night and he couldn 't sleep for thinking of her . He shoved her out of his mind the next morning as he got ready for work . He kept her out of his mind all day . Driving home through the rain , though , he saw her again . But she didn 't see him . She didn 't seem to see anything as she slogged along the wet sidewalk , hair hanging in a damp mess down her back , a bag of groceries dangling from her hand . In her jacket , she looked small and folded up inside herself somehow . Cars rolled by , spraying her with water and she didn 't flinch . He thought about stopping and offering a ride , but it didn 't seem wise . So , he continued home . A few hours later as he sat inside eating canned soup , he was aware of her again , leaning up against the wall in the alley . She had changed her clothes and styled her hair . Her head was up , scanning traffic . One car had already slowed down and then passed . Alan stood up abruptly , grabbed the empty soup can and slammed it into the waste basket . He flipped off the light and went upstairs to bed . Why it bothered him so much , he didn 't know . Women of the night were a common enough sight in his neighborhood . Sure it was bad , but bad stuff happened all the time . It was one of those realities of life . But he couldn 't shake it off . Somehow , in those brief moments the night before , she 'd unsettled him with one look . He knew he could not sit by and watch this girl destroy herself . Suddenly , he got up and looked out the window . She was still there in the rain . He put his shoes on , threw a bathrobe over his pjs , and pulled an umbrella out of the closet . He trudged down the stairs and out the front door , slamming it behind him . At the noise , the girl looked up and saw him coming . Her eyes widened in surprised and then narrowed again in satisfaction as he marched forward through the puddles . She stepped towards him . Then he turned around and marched back across the street and into the house . When he got back to his room , he peeked through the window and saw her still holding the umbrella and gazing at the house , puzzled . He hopped back in bed and pulled the covers up , feeling foolish . The rain finally dissipated by the end of the week . Saturday was warm , sunny , and dry . Alan found himself once again working on lesson plans for the next week . When lunch time came around , he fixed some sandwiches and sat on the front porch to enjoy his lunch in the sunshine . He closed his eyes and leaned against the wall , soaking in the suns rays . He had almost drifted off to sleep when he experienced that uncanny sense of being watched . He looked up and there she was , standing on the sidewalk with the umbrella hanging from her hand , just watching him . " Keep it . I have another . You sure you don 't want a sandwich ? I made too many . Have a seat . It 's a nice day . " " Okay , " she said and sat down beside him without a smile . She stared straight in front of her as she ate . He watched her , thinking of how pretty she was . If he thought hard enough , he could imagine her in a pretty sun dress at a church picnic , happy , sweet and innocent like the other girls . But instead , here was this worldly - wise stoic looking out over the street , elbows resting on her knees . The way she stood there looking at him , trying to convince herself , broke his heart . Because they both knew she was as bad as all that . That night , she moved farther up the street , away from his front window . But he saw her every time he closed his eyes . He couldn 't shake her loose . Alan didn 't see her for a long time after that . He was busy with work , grading papers and tests practically every evening . In all the business , she had slipped to the back of his mind , until one Friday night two weeks later . He had stayed up late , doing some work at the kitchen table . He was nodding over a stack of papers when he heard a strange scuffling in front of his house . His head jerked up and he listened intently . Whoever or whatever was making the sound , seemed to move farther away , and he rubbed his tired eyes and went back to work . Then he heard someone yelp and curse in pain . At the same moment , a woman screamed . Alan jumped to his feet , the sound of it sending chills up and down his back . " Hey ! What 's going on over there ! " he shouted . " I 'm going to give you to the count of five before I call the police . " There was a loud clatter as some metal object hit the pavement , and then running footsteps . Through the gloom , he could see Cassie slumping to the ground . Alan ran to the alley and stooped down . " I think … I don 't … I think so , " she managed . " Alan , he had a knife . He was trying to drag me back there . I bit him . " " Good girl , " he said , leading her back out into the light of the street lamp to get a better look at her . Her arm was wet and sticky . There was a long , ugly gash down the side . " Oh , man . You 're bleeding . Come on , we 're going to ER . " Alan gripped the steering wheel until he could hardly feel his fingers . He wanted to punch something . He wanted to find that guy and kill him . Cassie kept rubbing and rubbing her forehead with her good hand . She fell asleep on the way home , and Alan was left alone with his thoughts . He remembered the way the doctor and the nurses had looked at Chastity . Veiled disgust . They looked at him the same way when he told them he wasn 't her brother or her boyfriend , just a friend . They didn 't believe him . He threw himself on the couch , exhausted . He was still awake three hours later when the sun came up , drumming his fingers in a nervous staccato on the side of the couch . He got up , dressed , and paced around the room . He picked up the phone and dialed . " Cassie , how long are you going to live this way ? " he asked abruptly . " It 's not right , and even if you don 't care about that , it 's not safe . Did it ever occur to you that the next time some guy decides to drag you into an alley , I might not be there to stop it ? You 've got to stop living this way . " " You got a lot of nerve talking to me like that . You 've never been in my situation . And just how am I supposed to live ? I gotta have money . " " I talked to my mom this morning and told her about you . And she wants you to come live with her . You 'd be away from this place and get a new start . My mom 's a wonderful lady . " " She already likes you , Cassie . It was her idea for you to come , not mine . And after a while , maybe you could get a job or go to school or something . Would you like that ? " " It fits you real well , " he said , feeling a catch in his throat . There was the little girl at the Sunday school picnic . She smiled a little , catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror . It was a long drive of three hours , and Cassie fell asleep during the first half hour . She hadn 't put any makeup on , and Alan could see the ring of dark that her eyelashes set off around her eyes . Somehow , she was still beautiful . Her arms were tucked in close to her face , palms of her hands pointing up , like a baby . But her sleep was troubled . Once she gasped and cried out . She came out of the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron . She was youngish - looking for middle age . The only lines on her face seemed to be from smiling , because they deepened in the most pleasant way when she saw Alan . She planted a smacker on his cheek and looked past him to Cassie , still hesitating at the door . " Cassie , how are you ? I 'm Rebekah . You look tired . Come in and sit at the table . We can eat right away , " she said . " What a pretty dress ! " It was an awkward meal . Alan and his mother kept up a light - hearted conversation , trying to put Cassie at her ease . She pushed the food around on her plate after the first few mouthfuls and sat looking continually more nervous and stiff . When the meal was over and Alan helped clear the table , Cassie got up and went into the other room . He watched her cautiously as she paced back and forth like a caged animal . He felt his mother 's eyes on him " Mom , you know I 've never been the kind of guy that 's always falling for girls . I guess , in a way , I haven 't even fallen for her . I mean , I know all about her . I know what she is . I know she isn 't likely to change any time soon . But I feel like I should marry her . It sounds ridiculous . I don 't know how to explain it . I thought about it all last night . " " Yeah , you better believe it 's serious ! It might just ruin my life . But there 's a chance it might save her , and I have to take it . " " Cassie , please stay here , " he begged . " I know it won 't be easy doing everything so different , but you 'll like it in a little while . I 'm sure you will . I 'll come and visit you often , okay ? " Alan kept his word and visited every Saturday he could get away . Sometimes , he stayed until Sunday and they went to church together . To Alan 's surprise , Cassie seemed to be settling into her new surroundings quickly . Over the next month , she became less nervous and irritable . When Alan came back for the first visit , she was eager to show him how she and Rebekah had fixed up her room with new curtains and matching bedspread . Every time he came , Cassie was standing on the front porch , waiting for him . Rebekah was teaching her to knit , and she often sat in the rocking chair of an evening , keeping her fingers and her mind busy . But there were also those other times , the times Alan worried about . Gloom would fall over her and she 'd become quiet and withdrawn and go away from Rebekah and Alan . She would sit outside on the lawn , staring at nothing , pulling up handfuls of grass . " No , " she said , hitting her chest and holding her hand over her heart . " I didn 't leave it behind . It 's all right here . It came with me , and it won 't go away . " But she didn 't hear him , and he finally stood up and left . A few hours later , she came back into the house , asking him to go for a walk with her , like nothing had ever happened . Alan had great hopes that these fits of hers would gradually fade away . He bought a ring for her . He was going to ask her at the end of the summer . He knew a thousand reasons why he shouldn 't give her the ring . He repeated them to himself at night . She 'd never shown anything like love towards him . He wasn 't sure that she knew how to express love . She was not emotionally stable . She was not fit in any practical way to be a wife and a mother . He would be the one giving and never receiving . He would have to be and do everything . In the darkness of the night , he resigned himself to give and never receive . She stood there in her pretty dress , looking from the ring to him . There was such a strange look in her eyes , certainly not happiness . She didn 't say anything for a long time . For a while , she busied herself with looking at wedding dresses and cakes and things . She asked Alan what he wanted her to wear . She seemed happier . He teased her about the freckles on her nose and she actually laughed at him . They decided to have the ceremony very soon , before the school year started and he had to be back to work . Alan worked hard on the house , fixing a few things and getting it ready for her . He was working on it the Friday before the wedding when Rebekah called . Her clothes were still in the closet . Only a t - shirt and a pair of jeans were missing . She had left a note on her bed with the engagement ring on top . Alan picked up the ring and the note and read it , tears blurring his eyes . " I 'm sorry , Alan . It 'll never work . Go find a nice girl and marry her . Don 't look for me . It 's not worth it . " School started , and Alan was busy once again with lesson plans and grading . But a day never passed when he didn 't go out with his car and search the streets of the city for her . He felt sure she must have made her way back to his city . It was what she knew . So he got a map and marked off streets as he traveled them . Sometimes , he got out of the car and showed a snapshot of her to people on the street , asking if they 'd seen her . But no one had . The months passed . Rainy April came again with its promise of warm weather and flowers . Alan was sitting at his kitchen table , trying to read , but not really paying attention to the words on the page . He listened to the rain drumming on the porch roof . The map lay spread out in front of him . There were pink highlighter marks on practically every street in town . He pushed the book aside and put his head in his hands . There had been no sign of her , no word of her , nothing . He stared at the map . There was one little quarter of an inch that wasn 't marked . It was the alley across from his house . It seemed so obvious to him that she wouldn 't be there . She was a smart girl , and if she really didn 't want to be found , there was no way she would come back to the alley . All the same , he got up and looked out the window . Through the drizzle , he looked intently into the alley . In his mind 's eye , he could see her as plain as day , standing there watching men pass by . He remembered the way she looked at him the first time , her eyes challenging him , defiant . But she was not there . In her place was some homeless person huddled up in a rain coat who must have limped up while he daydreamed . Ragged jeans , dirty coat , face covered with a hood , coughing into a slender hand . It was the hand that caught his eye and made him look closer . The coughing stopped , and whoever it was froze , dark eyes burning into him underneath the hood . She looked up at him , still crawling away , her hands stretching forward through the stream of dirty water running over the pavement . Her hair was matted and she trembled with exhaustion . She finally stopped trying and lay her head down . Alan sat down beside her , mindless of the filthy water , and cradled her head in his lap . He pushed the hair out of her face , so broken and fragile . " You made me lose my touch , " she said , trying to smile . " They kicked me out , because I 'm not worth much anymore . I didn 't want you to see me tonight . I thought you wouldn 't see me . " He pulled the ring out and broke the cord . Seeing what he was about to do , she tried to pull her hand away . But she was too weak , and he put the ring back on her finger . Becky and Rebekah came into the house , chattering . Chastity greeted Rebekah with a hug and they all sat down to dinner . That evening after the meal , they gathered on the porch , admiring the sunset . Rebekah sat with Becky in her lap , reading a story . Chastity leaned her head on Alan 's shoulder , watching her daughter . There was happiness , sadness , joy , pain , regret all written in her face . A tear slipped down her cheek and splashed on Alan 's hand . " Then said the Lord unto me , ' Go yet , love a woman beloved of her friend , yet an adulteress , according to the love of the Lord to the children of Israel , who look to other gods , and love flagons of wine . So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver … And I said unto her , ' Thou shalt abide for me many days ; thou shalt not play the harlot , and thou shalt not be for another man ; so will I also be for thee . ' " Hosea 3 : 1 - 3 Summary of The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse February 10 , 2012March 13 , 2012 ~ amanda Spanning the calamitous turmoil of a World War and the deadly Influenza plague of 1918 , The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse is a spellbinding portrait of a young girl 's struggle against the travails of modern loss and faithlessness . Born to privilege and wealth , Elizabeth Millhouse is the only child of a tense and loveless relationship . Sequestered to a boarding school at a tender age , Elizabeth is ordered to stay at school even through holidays . When she is finally allowed home for the first time , it is only to visit a newly - affectionate father on his death bed . After prayers for her father 's recovery are denied , she rejects God and determines to live her life without reference to Him . Left alone with a cold and distant mother , Elizabeth seeks to forge her own path , searching for permanence and love in a world where circumstances shift like quicksand beneath her feet . Personal loss and the revelation of her own history build to a sudden understanding - in barring God , she has denied herself the love she craves . The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse has all the elements of a fascinating story . The plot , with its hint of mystery and unexpected twists and turns , compels the reader to keep turning pages . The cast of characters with their unmistakably human quirks and idiosyncrasies are as real , as life - like and as recognizable as the reader 's friends , relatives and neighbors . Some though not human are as equally familiar , such as George , the cat , who had kittens and the fox who gave Elizabeth artistic inspiration … Although hearkening back to a different period in America 's cultural history , the story deals with topics that are still relevant today . The ideas of feminism , romantic love and motherhood are touched upon . But foremost is Elizabeth 's spiritual struggle as she grapples with the love of God juxtaposed against the presence of evil . The universal appeal of this topic makes The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse not only an encouraging read for Christians , but also a thought - provoking , unique , and informative perspective for non - Christians . After all , evil may be much closer than a distant idea that painfully intrudes into our lives in the form of tragedy and wrongs committed against us . Evil , in fact , resides in our hearts and reveals itself in our crimes against a holy and loving God . Welcome ! February 10 , 2012 ~ amanda ~ Leave a comment Hello , everyone ! I 've been planning to start this blog for quite a long time , so I 'm really excited that it 's up and running . Thanks for all of you facebook fans who have visited . Your support is a privilege and a blessing to me . For those of you who are first - time visitors , I want to thank you as well for taking the time to look around and read , and tell you a little bit about myself . I am the author of one novel , The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse , and another novel is in progress . I began writing with a serious intent towards publication back in 2009 . You can read more about that in the post titled , " How it all Began . " My primary goal is to write novels and be published . As of November , I have a literary agent which is a great benefit to me in this publication climate . So , I am making progress in the right direction ! I am also interested in independent Christian film - making . I wrote my first screen - play last summer , and if all goes well , it will be filmed this coming summer . I am a Christian which provides me with my biggest motivation for writing . Most of all , my life goal is to glorify God , and I believe that one of the ways I can do this most effectively is through writing . I have elaborated on this thought in my post titled , " Why I Have to Write . " Why I Have to Write February 3 , 2012February 23 , 2012 ~ amanda ~ 3 Comments When I was in my early teens , I used to tell people that I wrote better than I talked . At the time , I wasn 't sure I liked that facet of my personality . Being a quiet person in a culture which places high value on extroversion can be a trial , especially when you 're a fourteen - year - old girl who looks like ten . I disliked gatherings of young people because I could never think of anything to say , which was odd because I was thinking a lot of things . But I could never quite get them out . Over the years , I have learned to accept the fact that I am not a great conversationalist and have also learned to enjoy my role of listening and being a pleasant , though not talkative , member of social gatherings . Thankfully , I appreciate humor . My best place , socially , is to laugh at whoever is being funny . Recently , I 've been thinking about why I want to write . What are my motives ? Is it something I should do simply because I 've been told I 'm good at it , that I know I 'm good at it for that matter ? After some thought , I 've concluded that for me writing is not so much of a want as it is a necessity . Especially because of what God has done for me . But before I delve into that , I suppose I ought to explain why I write better than I talk . If someone were to ask me what I thought about abortion , I might sit and stare at them for a while , then slowly and with a lot of back - tracking and rabbit - trailing , tell them what I think . Not because I don 't know what I think , but because I cannot simply say , " Abortion is wicked . " ( It is , by the way . ) I begin to think , " Where is this person coming from who is asking this question ? If they happen to be pro - choice , how will they respond to the declaration that abortion is wicked ? Do they hold to the oft - quoted and misconceived line that a woman has the right to do what she likes with her own body ? If so , I 'd have to point out that a fetus in the womb is not biologically part of its mother 's body . Do they believe that the fetus is not really a human being ? In that case , I 'd have to ask when a fetus becomes a human being in their eyes . There are a few possible answers to that question . They might say that a fetus would not be able to live unassisted outside the mother 's womb and is therefore not a human being . But then I 'd have to point out that neither is a newborn baby , and to a certain extent , a two - year - old child . They might say that a fetus isn 't fully sentient . Again , neither is a newborn or two - year - old according to some definitions . Where do you draw the line ? Then , assuming I haven 't set someone off on an angry rant by this time , I would have to explain my case for why ending an unborn child 's life is evil . Then they would bring up the whole rape and incest question . Then I 'd have to … " well , you get the picture . When I try to formulate my thoughts , I realize that there is so much that should be said , I have a hard time knowing where to start . There are also a lot of things that don 't need to be said in order to get the point across , but how to tell what 's what at the time ? Writing is totally different . I don 't have to get it right the first time . I can spend a few hours writing my response . If I 've noticed that I 've rambled off on an unnecessary paragraph , I can just fix it and get on track again . The point is , the finished product in print is far more concise , interesting , and hopefully convincing than anything I could have spoken . I also tend to think in stories . When I hear of a concept , I begin to think through how that concept would play out in real life - how people would respond to it . For instance , the love of God . What kind of scenario would illustrate God 's unconditional and self - sacrificing love ? Asking that question led to the story , " Chastity . " That 's just how my brain works . So , back on topic again . Why do I have to write ? The most important reason is the fact that I am a Christian . God has made me into a new kind of person and I feel compelled to give an answer for the hope that is in me and share the truth of the Gospel . Well , as I said before , I 'm not the best conversationalist . While I do not excuse myself from speaking when it is time to speak , I still feel like I can convey important things most effectively with a pen on paper , or fingers on a keyboard as the case may be . In a way , I can fulfill my part in the Great Commission through writing . Another reason is that , well , I just have to . I can 't imagine putting aside my pen and never picking it up again . I think better when I 'm writing . Somehow , the act of putting words on a page helps me understand things more completely . I don 't know about you , but there are many books I 've read that have influenced my life . They weren 't necessarily Christian books , either . They were books whose messages reinforced a Biblical truth that I 'd learned . Only I saw it in a different way and through the actions of believable , lifelike characters . It came to life . One of those was a book called , " Soldier Boys . " I don 't think the command to love our enemies and do good to them that hate us has ever been more beautifully illustrated than in that book . ( You should read it , by the way . ) Another of those books is " Great Expectations , " by Charles Dickens . Through his portrayals of Miss Havisham and Pip , Dickens masterfully showed the effects a self - absorbed life can have on an individual . " The Screwtape Letters ! " How do I describe the effect C . S . Lewis has had on me ? I want to write books like that - books that make people think , books that encourage people in the right way , books that bring joy . I 've always felt a little odd saying that , because it seemed so presumptuous . I can hardly put myself on the same level as a Charles Dickens or a C . S . Lewis . And I don 't . But I consider them to be my examples , something to aim for . Maybe I 'll succeed and maybe I won 't . But I have to try . The last reason lies in what people tell me they feel after they 've read a story of mine . Comments like , " this brought tears to my eyes , " or " that character made me laugh , " make the job inexpressibly worthwhile . It makes me feel like doing it again . So , I do it all over again whether I 'm practically jumping with excitement over an idea or dragging myself to the computer out of discipline with absolutely no idea what I 'm going to write next . Something always ends up on the page . Whether it 's worth reading or not is for you to decide . So , those are my thoughts on the matter . I want you all to know what my goals are in this area . If you think about it , pray for me that I 'll stay focused and produce good work , and especially that a publisher would become interested in my stuff . Speaking of which , I thank you for reading and commenting and telling me what you like and don 't like ! It 's extremely encouraging to me that you 're visiting this page and keeping up with things . I hope I 'll have some good news about publication in the coming months . Stay tuned ! How it all started February 3 , 2012 ~ amanda ~ Leave a comment I was eleven years old in 1996 . That Christmas , my parents bought me a journal and put it in my stocking . It was pink and had a picture of a little mouse sitting in an arbor , doing some needlework . Underneath it read , " Julie 's Journey Journal . " I 'm not really sure why it had such a title , because there was no explanation about Julie or her journey on the inside . But that didn 't stop me . I began my journaling career the following day by this entry : I am on my way to Grandma and Grandpa 's house with my Mom , Dad , and little brother Justin . Christmas Day was fun , Except that I sliced my finger on the brand new scisors I got for Christmas . " ( The punctuation and spelling are unabridged . ) I sort of fell into the habit of writing . I read massively , and it seemed like the natural outcome of reading to sit down and write . I began with very bad short stories in which I tried to use as many large words as I could without giving much serious thought to how those words fit the characters or time period . From stories , I branched out into novelettes , all equally dreadful . My masterpiece at fifteen years old was called , " Strife and Serenity . " ( I can only guess that I had just finished reading Pride and Prejudice and decided any title that joined elegant opposites with the word " and " had to be good . ) I can 't share the plotline of that story without wincing and shuddering . But , it was quite important in the grand scheme of things . You see , the year I finished S and S was the year my grandma died . At the beginning of 2000 , Grandma suffered two severe strokes which left her in a wheel chair . So we moved in with my grandparents somewhere around June or July to take care of her . It was rough . Grandma 's personality seemed so different suddenly . Grandpa was cranky and wouldn 't accept the fact that he actually needed help caring for his beloved Frannie . She slept constantly and grouched at everybody . At any rate , I wanted her to read my masterpiece in the worst way and so gave it to her . Only a few weeks later , Grandma was rushed to the emergency room after her heart rate plummeted . The doctor said she had to have an operation very soon to correct a bowel issue ; otherwise she was going to die . On the other hand , they told us , she might not be able to handle the operation and still die . My parents and my grandpa decided to try for surgery . I went into the hospital room by myself that day . Grandma was awake and smiled at me . I said the usual things - that I was praying for her and I loved her . I kept writing for a few years , and then I stopped . The next four or five years were so full of depression , anxiety , doubts and discouragement , that I lost interest in writing and a lot of other things . Most of my stories of the past had had a decidedly Christian element about them because that was the thing I cared about and loved the most . That was the problem . I had begun a story chronicling a young girl 's life and her journey of disbelief to faith . I started when I was seventeen and only worked on it off and on . A few thousand words in and a couple of years later , I experienced the most intense period of doubt in my life . I hardly know how to explain what happened or why it happened . One minute , I was sitting in a church service , happy to be a Christian . The next minute , and as suddenly as a gunshot , my assurance of salvation was gone . And I still don 't know why , because I am quite sure that I was truly a Christian . Nevertheless , I doubted that I was a child of God . I doubted the veracity of the Bible . I even doubted the existence of God . And I struggled with those doubts for several years . I have never been more miserable in my life . I continued journaling , mostly filling the pages with the agony that consumed me . I also kept a half - hearted blog , but I didn 't really write with the idea of accomplishment in mind . Sometimes , I remembered that last conversation with Grandma and felt guilty . But what could I do ? I could not write about how good God was while I was struggling to believe that He existed . How could I write about the light and love of God when all I knew was fear and darkness ? Like C . S . Lewis has observed , as soon as we think we can take no more , suddenly we come through and God lifts the crushing pressure . I was sitting with my dad one Sunday afternoon , talking about all the struggles I had been experiencing , and he said something that resonated with me . I don 't remember his exact words so I 'll paraphrase . " This is faith . It 's as if God takes us to the edge of a chasm and tells us to walk over a rickety old bridge with Him to the other side . It is terrifying , but you do it anyway . " I sat there at the table for a few minutes , then I went upstairs and wrote , " Walk With Me . " I knew where I was . I was groping around in the bottom of the chasm after falling off the bridge . It wasn 't God 's fault I had fallen . It was mine , and He was the only one who could get me out . After I wrote that allegory , my doubts began to subside . Everything I wrote after that was so much better , because I actually had a reason to write again . In 2009 , my brother asked me to write a story for a piece of music he had written , " Children 's Suite . " The piece had six movements and my job was to describe what was happening in each movement . It was tricky , but I really had fun with it . Justin recorded me reading the story and incorporated it into his cd . At the time , he was attending summer classes at Southwestern Michigan College . His English instructor was Michael Collins , the author of a number of novels . Without telling me , Justin took my recorded story and played it for Michael who really liked it . We got in contact with each other and started emailing back and forth , and he encouraged me to begin attending SMC so that he could coach me . Up until then , I knew I liked to write , but I didn 't think I was good enough . Then Michael , a guy who knew what he was talking about , told me I was a good writer , and that revelation was all the prodding I needed . He asked to look at some things I had written previously , so he could see if I had anything that could turn into a big project . Reluctantly , I included the story I had started before all my troubles began - about a girl who learns to believe in God . I thought it was terrible , but Michael thought it was great . So all that year , I wrote feverishly , and my rather ungainly story turned into the novel , " The Pursuit of Elizabeth Millhouse . " I kind of hope people in Heaven can look in on their relatives . My theology is unsound , to be sure , but I really want Grandma to know that I 'm still writing . So , one novel and several rejections later , here I am . I am quite determined to get this book published . I 've spent too much time and energy on it to give up now . Those of you who are on my page , reading this narrative are helping me the most . The publishing business right now is such that new authors had better have a lot of people aware of who they are and what they 're doing ( a ready - made market ) , or the publishing companies won 't take a chance on them . That has been my experience so far . So thank you again for helping me out with this . Keep spreading the word and keep reading . |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
Jamie 's Story Bella 's Story This blog is just about my life and mostly revolves around my son , Jamie . This blog is a combination of everything , whether it may be a new recipe I tried , a good freebie I found , something funny Jamie said , or feelings I 'm having about life in general . There 's little rhyme or reason . I 'll never win any blogging awards , but I enjoy writing about our lives and I mostly do it for my son . It 's so easy to forget moments over the years . I 've got all these little tidbits of our life in print and I hope that someday Jamie can enjoy them . I called this blog Mother of Life , Mother of Loss because of my issues with pregnancy loss and the joy of finally bringing this wonderful person into the world . Truly , I feel the pains of loss , but you won 't see too much of that here . I am blessed and I am , above all else , a mother of life . After all the years of infertility and loss , Matthew and I were blessed with a surprise pregnancy . We were pregnant with twins , but unfortunately , Baby A could not stay with us . Baby B grew into a healthy and happy baby girl that we named Bella Marie . We are so blessed to have two beautiful children . Saturday , January 31 , 2009 After posting all about Dynisha earlier today , I decided to set her up a blog of her own . I think it will be a good way for her to express herself , practice her typing , and learn valuable writing skills . We spent a good chunk of the evening fixing it up and letting her type up her first couple of blogs . I think it turned out really , really cute . I 'll definitely monitor it and we 've discussed not putting her last name , address , school , phone number , etc . on the blog . She won 't be posting any time soon without my assistance anyway . I think it 's just so sweet . We named it Bubble Gum & Lipstick . It seemed to suit her . Blah Blah Blah by Dynisha really likes to spot herself on my blog . I decided to make a post all about her . I found a questionnaire for her to answer and here it is . . . Name ? Dynisha NycoleHow old are you ? NineSiblings ? Two , biological siblings that I know of . Two adopted siblings . I have an older biological brother named Christopher who I have not met . I have a sister named Brianna . I was adopted and Matthew is my brother by adoption and Leona is my sister by adoption . I haven 't seen Leona in years and don 't remember much about her . Best physical features ? I think my hair is beautiful and unique . I love my hair . I wish it was longer , though . When it was long it was really curly and I liked it . Celebrity look - a - likes ? I don 't know . I don 't think I really look like anyone . Favourite subjects at school ? I have two , art and music . Place you 'd most like to visit ? Disney LandLast CD you bought ? Camp RockLast book you bought ? WitchesFavourite sport ? SoccerFavourite food ? PicklesWeaknesses ? I don 't like to do chores , but I have to do them anyways . If you could work with any celebrity who would it be and what would you do ? Vanessa Hudgins . I would love to go shopping with her . Favourite song from your childhood ? The Rush from Aly & AJDo you like any boys ? What do y0u like about him ? ( giggling ) That would have to be a guy at school named Logan . I like that he is very smart . He has short blond hair and blue eyes . He is verrry cute . He is my science partner . What is your favourite genre of music ? PopWhat inspires you ? Watching singers on TV makes me want to sing . Favourite TV shows ? Kim Possible , iCarly , and That 's So RavenFavorite Movies ? All the High School Musical movies and Lucky CloverWhich famous character are you most like ? The way Vanessa acts on High School Musical , that 's sort of the way I act . What are your best qualities ? People like the way I treat them . I 'm nice to my friends . What are your worst qualities ? I am hyper and sometimes I talk too much . If you could date anyone famous who would you date ? Zac Efron from High School MusicalPet peeBlah Blah Blah by I hate rough housing . It makes me extremely nervous . I 've been told on several occasions that I 'm going to turn my son into a wuss . There is a very good reason that rough housing makes me nervous , though . People get hurt for real . My mother used to rough house with me . It was a painful and humiliating experience . It 's one reason why it 's so bothersome to me to this day . She would literally torture me until I peed my pants . Now most people don 't take things as far as my mother did , but it still goes too far , too often . Today is a case in point . Jamie and Dynisha were playing in the living room . The exact details of what happened are still vague . Jamie says Dynisha kicked him and Dynisha says that he fell into her leg while they were wrestling . Doesn 't matter . It comes down to rough housing gone wrong . Jamie ended up with a nose bleed . Blood dripped on the floor and on the cat , not to mention his body . The picture is of him after being cleaned up and initially thinking that we had managed to stop the bleeding . Now the little fellow is running around with a piece of tissue in his nostril . So I submit this picture as exhibit A toward my prosecution of rough housing . Most exhibits are in emergency situations where pictures can not be taken . Dynisha thought I was nuts for taking this one . Jamie was no longer in pain or crying and the blood wasn 't running everywhere any longer . He was just distraught about the blood and actually posed for the picture , wanting his bloody hand to be seen . Today was one of those days . I had a headache I couldn 't kick . The kids needed something every five seconds . Matt worked late . Jamie 's bus driver reported that he did " pretty well " today , but that he was kicking the back of the seat . I 've never known a child who didn 't , so I won 't complain too much . I did tell him not to do it anymore . He began fussing for Dynisha straight off the bus . I 've explained to him every day that Dynisha comes home after he does . She gets in about an hour later . I gave him the ice cream he missed out on the day before . Dynisha came home and immediately the two began to fight . Both were hitting . Both were yelling . Did I mention I had a headache ? I tried to appease them both , but there was no use . Dynisha locked herself in her room and Jamie cried that he wanted Isha . Brianna called twice today . I told her to come over . She said she would come over tomorrow . She wants Dynisha to come home . Dynisha does not want to go . I don 't know if she genuinely misses her or if she is just afraid that Dynisha is getting something she is not . Brianna does not like to spend time at my house anymore . I can 't say I really enjoy having her much anymore , either . She 's got attitude and she only comes over if she wants something . She hates my rules , which are not that demanding . Last time her parents dropped her off she was cussing , screaming , and crying so much that I really wanted to smack her . I wouldn 't smack her , though . She 's only twelve . She had wanted to stay home alone so she could hang out with her friends , who are boys . The day wasn 't all bad . I got my Gymboree order today , which is something I really was looking forward to . I had forgotten it was arriving today and the doorbell had startled me . Both kids rushed to the door and looked out the window . " It 's UPS , Laura ! ! " I kind of felt bad opening up the package in front of Dynisha , since it was all new clothes for Jamie . She 's such a bright and bubbly child , though . She seemed just as excited as me as we went through the new additions to Jamie 's wardrobe . Blah Blah Blah by I saw a post on Girly Dos about a family that has a little girl that is dying from cancer . There is a blogger who is giving money to this family . They will give $ 1 . 00 for each comment that is left on the post . Please visit the blog and post a comment . They are doing the donating , not you . http : / / theextraordinaryordinary . blogspot . com / 2009 / 01 / we - get - by - with - little - help - from - our . htmlI visited the blog belonging to Tuesday 's family . You can visit it by clicking on her picture below . The story is hear wrenching . The last post is of a family preparing to let go and building their final precious memories . I cried as I read the sweet and sad posts of a mother who must say goodbye much too soon . Update : There was a simple post on their blog tonight . . . Tuesday Fiona Whitt - October 11 , 2006 - January 30 , 2009 Matthew 's favorite drink is Diet Dr . Pepper . In fact , it 's about the only thing he will drink . When I saw a coupon offer for a free diet Dr . Pepper , I jumped on it . Just click the picture . We bought this book before Jamie was even born . We read it to my growing belly several times . On the first day that my husband and I got to spend time with our precious newborn , in the nursing area of the NICU , we brought the book . The plan was for Matthew to read it while I nursed Jamie . " Good night sweet child , " Mama said as she tucked Little Cub in . But Little Cub wasn 't quite ready to go to sleep . " Mama , where did I come from ? " she asked . " From God , " her mother answered . " Your papa and I were alone , and we wanted a baby . " That was as far as Matthew got . We both started crying . Not gentle weeping , but full on heaving sobs . We couldn 't read the book for months . My eyes fill with tears even now reading those words . We did want a baby so bad . Jamie didn 't have the patience for this book for several years . It is pretty long . Now he enjoys it . He looks at me quizzically on the occasions that my eyes fill with tears . " Mommy is just so happy that God gave us you . " Changing habits and ways of doing things is difficult for anyone . We all get used to doing things one way and if someone comes in and makes a change , it 's really hard . Dynisha is learning this right now . It 's a lot of little things . Most she doesn 't mind , but others are harder . Putting your clothes in your own laundry basket and the towels in the bathroom laundry basket . Take your coat and book bag to your room , don 't drop them by the front door . Put your dishes in the sink . You can 't leave them in your room until I clean up and find them . Yesterday , after letting her relax and play awhile after school , I asked if she had homework . " Yes , I have a book to read , but I 've already read it . I just need you to sign the paper . " I made her read it out load again . She read it to Jamie while I listened . I told her that I would never sign that she did something unless I witnessed her doing it . She said , " Momma says I have to read to myself . She can 't stand to listen to me read . She says it bothers her nerves . " How sad . Now she has an audience who really appreciates her reading . Jamie sat in rapture . He pretty much idolizes her and he loves books . She lost the pink cup that she was drinking from the night before . I made her go find it . She pitched a little bit of a fit , " What if I can 't find it ? ! " I assured her that she could . She stomped around the house a bit , but as soon as she actually looked for it she found it and I put it in the dishwasher . She loves her room . I gave her an alarm clock and told her she could start getting herself up in the morning . We all get up at the same time , but I think it 's good for kids to be responsible for their own daily routines . She complained because Matt had some scary skull as a background on the computer in her room and it sat beside her alarm clock . She said it scared her in the mornings . I quickly googled " girly backgrounds " and found a pretty pink floral she was happy with . This morning she hit the snooze button three times , but she got herself up . Getting her to do chores is not a choBlah Blah Blah by When the bus pulled up yesterday afternoon I eagerly walked to the door to gather my precious boy . " Laura , " the bus driver said with a look of dismay on her face , " Jamie got in trouble on the bus today . " Oh , no . He had hit another little boy with his puppy hat . When the aid had told him no he looked at her and hit the little boy again , laughing . Great . " This is the first time , " the aid said , " but I said no . " she gestured with a pointing finger , " and he did it anyway to spite me . " All I could do was apologize for his behavior . I wanted to say I would take care of this , but I held my tongue because I didn 't know if I could stop this . He might hit on the bus again tomorrow . I gathered him off the bus . I wasn 't sure how to handle this . Was it right to grab him up and give him the normal hugs and kisses , tell him how much I love him and laugh all the way to the house ? No , that wasn 't quite right . What was the right way to handle this ? " Why did you hit Christian with your puppy hat ? " I asked him , leaning down so I could look him in the eye . " I was just playing . " I told him that this was not a nice way to play and he could not hit . He deftly tried to change the subject . I stopped in the road and knelt down in front of him . " You can 't hit . It is bad . Do you understand ? " He replied , " Yes " and we continued to the house . Once home he wanted ice cream . " Little boys who hit can 't have ice cream . " He fussed a little , but eventually accepted that he would not get any . Somehow it doesn 't seem like enough . I have little confidence that he 'll remember this the next day . I have little confidence he 'll remember this in five minutes . The problem is that he thinks this is a manner of play . Of course he does . Throughout his life others have played with him like this . I 've tried to stop it but so many people think that this is an acceptable way of playing , especially with little boys . My mother and her husband do it , the girls do it , and my father - in - law does it . I envision how my mother encourages Jamie to hit her husband , " Hit him , JamBlah Blah Blah by Obviously , I should be in bed because I just keep posting little meaningless drivel . I thought of a funny kidism that I hadn 't shared , though . Okay , it might not be funny to everyone , but I find it quite humorous . These are the things that are so easy to forget over time . Jamie has really bad dermatitis ( or some flaking condition ) on his head . It has a yellow color . We 've been forced to start washing his hair with dandruff shampoo , which is really frightening because I don 't want to burn his eyes . He 's not really good at holding his head back . He always wants to lean forward . We 're managing , though . Every day Jamie feels his head for the little rough patches on his scalp . When he finds one he insists I check it out for him , " Mommy , look at the macaroni and cheese . " Well , I can tell it 's time to update the baby - proofing in the kitchen . The drawer latches have gotten broken over the years and I never even put latches on the upper cabinets . It 's not my son that I need to baby proof for this time . It my wild and crazy cats . I 'm up late getting laundry done and the cats are having a field day . They are actually opening cabinet doors and kitchen drawers , climbing in and out . That 's just great . Dirty little cat paws all over my dishes and silverware ! Today was a pretty good day . Jamie woke up before anyone else . He said he didn 't want to go to school at first , but then seemed to forget that he didn 't want to go . Matthew loaded him and Dynisha into the van and I watched anxiously out the window to see if there would be a struggle when the bus arrived . We gave him his Eeyore to carry and see if that helped . He got on the bus with only a slight hesitation . Matthew told me that in the van he told him that he loved Mommy and missed Mommy . What a heart breaker . Dynisha pepped him up about school and told him how they would go to school together next year . She said she would walk him to class . When I went to get him off the bus in the afternoon it was sleeting . I had to stand in the icy rain for about 15 minutes . I thought ahead of time and brought a blanket to wrap Jamie in when I got him off the bus . I folded it as tight as I could and tucked it under my arm to keep it as dry as possible . When the bus finally arrived I was pretty well soaked and had little ice pellets stuck to my sleeves . The bus driver opened the doors and invited me in a little to get warm . Jamie came and hugged me . He was all smiles . He asked me where Dynisha was and I told him that she was still at school . He accepted this without fuss . I wrapped him in the blanket and walked him home . It 's only three houses down the street , but it was freezing in the sleet . He told me all the way home how much he loved me , " I love you apple . I love you cupcake . I love you ice cream . Mommy , you 're my best . I love you banana . " We came in and I asked him about his school day and he actually told me a few things about his day . He still wouldn 't tell me what he had for lunch . I like to be sure he 's eating . I think I 'll ask his teacher if he 's eating okay . He keeps telling me , " I don 't eat . I just play . " I suspect this is not true , but I better check . When Dynisha got home they played on the computer for a little while and I called them to help with some housework . The two of them helped me clean some of the floors andBlah Blah Blah by This is probably Jamie 's current favorite . He loves the zoo ( or anything having to do with animals ) . He loves Curious George , too . Matthew 's lovey when he was little was a Curious George doll . The new Curious George cartoons are a lot more captivating than their original counterparts . Jamie really enjoys them , so having a Curious George book is even better . This book is about how curious George gets in trouble for feeding the animals at the zoo . As always , George redeems himself by saving the day , catching an escaped bird and mending the wire to his cage . Jamie will read this book over and over again . What he can 't read , he makes up for in memorization . He could probably tell you this story in his sleep . Amazon didn 't have this book pictured , but clicking on the picture will still take you to where you can purchase it at Amazon . com . We took Jamie to Sprout Studio yesterday . He really had fun . They have many play areas with different activities . Jamie spent about an hour and a half at the water table . He just loves water . We finally talked him into checking out another play area . He had a lot of fun playing at the " market " . He filled baskets with lots of fruit and enjoyed putting numbers in the cash register . He even served other children and parents food . He was interacting very well . He ended up spending an hour there . The rest of the play areas got about thirty minutes of his attention . Some were neglected altogether . There was an x - ray viewer with real animal x - rays to look at and he found that interesting . He enjoyed playing in the racing area , but he didn 't ride on the cars much . What he enjoyed was the brightly colored cones and the road signs . He said he loves the STOP sign . He usually loves doing crafts , but he wouldn 't even go in the craft room . I was hoping he would make me a souvenir . I guess he figured he could do that any old time at home . I found myself thinking about McKalah and wishing she were there with us . I think she would really have enjoyed it . I wish I could take him there again . It was a fabulous place and it only cost us $ 9 . 00 to get in . It usually costs $ 10 . 00 , but they gave us a $ 1 . 00 discount since it was Jamie 's first visit . Unfortunately , they are closing their doors for good after Saturday . What a shame . This is a truly awesome freebie . Free photo Valentine Cards . When they say free , they mean free . I didn 't even have to pay for shipping ! I had a hard time figuring out which picture to use but ended up choosing one from our trip to Sprout Studio . I had a picture of him eating a giant lollipop I wanted to use , but someone had turned the resolution down on my camera and the picture quality was not good enough . Darn it . Jump on this offer fast , though . It ends February 1st . Free Valentines cards at http : / / stories . scrapbooksetc . com / landings / valentine0209 . php Jamie refused to get on the bus today . He said he didn 't want to go to school . He refused to put his feet down . The driver said we couldn 't force him to get on . We drove him to school . He still didn 't want to go , but didn 't put up too much of a fight . When we got to his room we had to pull him in . At first he refused to leave our sides , but soon was distracted and went off to play . We talked to his teacher in the hallway . She said he 's doing well . She 's using a weighted vest on him during group to help him during group . He hasn 't been napping , but she 's giving him letters and numbers to play with during nap time and he stays on his mat and doesn 't disturb the other children . She says this is perfectly acceptable . Many children at his age don 't nap . It 's just important that they rest . I agree . She said she 's not surprised he 's acting this way . As she puts it , the honeymoon stage is over . Now he realizes that he must go every day and the novelty has worn off . I must admit that I am surprised . I must also admit that I 'm glad we put him in preschool and that we are dealing with this now and not next year in kindergarten . I really don 't think anything bad is happening at school . Still , the mother in me says to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of trouble . She said that she 's also not surprised that he 's having issues on the bus . The bus has a lot of stimulus and he gets overstimulated . It 's a lot to handle for him . She says that what does surprise her is how well he does in the class room . There 's a lot of commotion , some kids who have melt downs , etc . So far Jamie has not really reacted to this . She expected him to be overstimulated in the classroom . Jamie will be having an assessment next week , I believe she said . After that they will call Matthew and I in for a conference to discuss Jamie . I wanted to ask if she thought Jamie was on the Autism Spectrum , but I couldn 't bring myself to do it . It 's not because I 'm afraid that he is . I 'm fine with that . He 's Jamie , with all his quirks and unique ways of thinking aBlah Blah Blah by Usually , Jamie 's clothing size changes right on cue . This winter was no exception . As the leaves began to change some long sleeve shirts and pants were beginning to be required . The shirt sleeves hit halfway down his hands in the size four and made me doubt my purchase , but the year before had been the same . The pants were about right in length , maybe a hair too long and needed cuffing depending on the brand , but he swam in any waistband that was not adjustable . So winter moved in and his clothes began hitting just the right places . Something different has happened this winter , though . His shirts are fitting just fine , but his legs are getting longer . The size four pants I bought just months earlier are beginning to creep up toward his ankles . I bought a pair of pants from Gymboree in a size five , sure they would be too big since Gymboree tends to run big . No . They fit just perfect . I can 't believe it . My son has grown two pant sizes in just a few short months ! This is a lovely story that Jamie got from the Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library . This book is a story of courage , love , and seeing the true beauty inside . Here 's a nice site with learning activities related to this book . http : / / www . vanderbiltchildrens . com / uploads / documents / bfb _ ras _ the _ invisible _ moose _-_ d . pdfIf you have not signed your baby up for Dolly Parton 's Imagination Library and you live in an area where it is available , you should do it immediately . Kids get a book a month until they turn 5 years old for free . Everyone is eligible . This is not an income based program . To sign up your child go to http : / / www . dollysimaginationlibrary . com / splash _ usa . php . It 's been a hectic weekend , but a good one , despite a house full of stuffy and runny noses . Dynisha walked to our house Saturday and wanted to spend the night . Her house is very full . Her grandmother and her great grandfather just moved in . She has to share a room with her grandmother . It 's not an ideal situation . She asked us if she could come live with us . We told her she could if it was okay with her mother . Matthew went and talked to his mom and she said that it was fine with her as long Dynisha came home once a week . So it looks like we 've added a member to our household . We 'll fix her up a room over the next few days . We have plenty of spare bedrooms . Jamie has two himself , but we 're going to give her the guest room , which is larger . Tonight she is sleeping in Jamie 's room like she usually does when she spends the night . While the kids are at school I will fix up the guest room for her as best I can . Right now it 's full of Christmas stuff we haven 't hauled back up to the attic yet . The hard thing is that the room doesn 't have a closet . We wanted it for a workout room and guest room combo so we put a murphy bed in the closet . For now I 've cleared out space in our hall closet for her clothes . If this truly turns out to be a permanent situation we 'll definitely redo the room . Dynisha is really happy . I can tell she 's also worried we won 't really let her stay . She pulled me aside and asked if I thought we 'd get along when she moved in . I told her that we wouldn 't always . They 'll be times when she 's mad at us and times we 're mad at her , but that we love her and that won 't change and we won 't make her leave . I explained about how things would be different with her visiting versus her living here ( rules , chores , homework , etc . ) . We are also all aware that her mother can change her mind at any point . I had to share a quick kidism . The other night when we were driving home from the grocery store Jamie was very sleepy . It 's always cute to see his head drop and him fight to keep awake . I asked him if he was sleepy and he told me , " No , I 'm not sleepy . My head 's falling . " A few seconds later he was fast asleep . I decided to try my hand at a home made chicken pot pie for supper this evening . I don 't know why I 've never made one before . It didn 't turn out as beautiful as I would like . I messed up the lattice crust , but it tasted pretty good . My husband ( who generally will not eat any cooked vegetables ) even ate a small mixing bowl full . He did pick out the peas . I don 't think it was bad for my first try , mostly winging the recipe . I made the chicken stock a couple of days ago . I boiled a chicken with vegetables in a big pot and when it was done I let the stock cook down so the flavor was stronger . I drained it and put it in the refrigerator intending to make chicken and dumplings with it . For the inside I sliced carrots , celery , potatoes , and added frozen peas to the stock . I cubed chicken and seasoned with basil , pepper , garlic , and parsley . I added a little milk then mixed all purpose flour with a little bit of oil and added it . I made the crust with 2 cups of self - rising flour , 1 / 4 cup of canola oil , 1 / 2 cup of softened butter , and 2 / 3 cup of milk . I rolled it out and pressed it into a casserole dish , I poured my mixture into the dish and then I cut some dough into strips to make the lattice crust . I baked it at 425 for 30 minutes . Jamie has his first " homework " assignment . He has to gather up items around the house to create a snow person . The project is based on the book Snowballs , by Lois Ehlert , that they read at school this week . It sounds like lots of fun . Jamie told me when I pulled out his communication folder that his snowman was in there . There was no snowman , but a little paper lunch bag to collect the items to make a snowman with ! The teacher also sent a note telling me some of the things he did today . He got to ride trikes outside today . When I asked him he said , " I just played . " I asked him what he ate for lunch , he said , " I don 't . I just played . " Little turkey . Jamie got this book from school last Friday and he 's really enjoyed it . It 's a very simple book . Jamie enjoys pointing out the colors and the vegetables . I read it to him and then he goes through the book and tells me the story again . He 's beginning to recognize the names of the vegetables . This book makes me really want to plant a small garden this spring so he can grow his very own vegetable soup . This morning Jamie did not want to go to school . This is the first time that he hasn 't been excited and anxious to go . He hugged me and didn 't want to let go . He told me he wanted to stay with Mommy , that he missed me . I hugged him and asked him why he didn 't want to go , but he just repeated that he missed me . He knows how to tug at Mommy 's heart strings . I must admit I 'm concerned , though . It seems uncharacteristic of him . I wonder if he got in trouble at school or if something happened yesterday . I can 't get him to tell me about school . He won 't tell me what he did at school and the only friend he will tell me he has is a nonverbal child . I wonder if he 's making the adjustment well . I wonder if the other children are accepting him . I went ahead and emailed his teacher to find out . I hate for her to think I 'm a nutso mom who is going to bug her to death , but I must make sure everything is okay if my child won 't tell me himself . I 'm starting a new segment of my blog called Book of the Day . I 'm going to let Jamie pick out which book is his favorite for the day and share his favorites here so one day he can remember all the precious books he loved . I remember many of my favorite books all the way back to before I started Kindergarten . My all time favorite was Johnny Appleseed . I 'm ashamed to admit that though this was my favorite book as a child and still inspires me to put apples on my Christmas tree , I have not purchased this book for Jamie . I also vividly remember the Mrs . Piggle Wiggle books , by Betty MacDonald , which I do have quite a collection of . The librarian at my elementary school read many of them to us and I must have check out each one at least a dozen times . Reading has meant so much to me throughout my life . Reading has taught me , entertained me , and inspired me . I hope reading brings as much joy to my sons life as it has my own . * I got the pictures of the books from Amazon . com and linked them to their description and purchase pages . And what an appropriate day to find this fabulous freebie . . . a free scholastic book ! Go to http : / / www . scholastic . com / littlescholastic / freebook / index . htm to get yours ! Jamie discovered his breath was visible this morning . It was funny . He kept going , " hhhaaa , hhhaaa " to make puffs of vapor appear in the air . I was worried he would get cold and very bored waiting for his bus . Apparently visible breath is extremely entertaining , though . He also ran up and down the hill at the end of the street . There was still a small dusting of snow left on it and Jamie found it amusing . When the bus finally arrived I quickly ushered him to the door . He didn 't want to go up . He wanted me , but they said I could not take him to his seat . With some coaxing the aide guided him up the steps and I waved as they buckled him into his seat . I was glad to see him smiling and pointing at me , undoubtedly telling the aide , " Look , Mommy is waving . " I wish I had taken my camera with me to the bus stop . Maybe tomorrow I will . I should have gotten his picture yesterday when he got off the bus to document his first ride in a school bus . I hate it when I miss milestones . Some people may not think this picture worthy , but I take pictures of everything I can . You only get one shot at the firsts . I was nervous about putting Jamie on the bus for the first time today . It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about because the bus didn 't show up ! Jamie was so mad at me . He said , " Mommy , you missed it ! You lost my bus ! ! " It turns out the school didn 't get him on the bus roster for today and that 's why it didn 't come . Try explaining that to a very disappointed four year old . I got him to school , but he was late and got his first tardy . He 'll get to ride the bus home . I kind of hate that . I wanted to check out the bus and the car seats in it before I let him ride it , but I won 't be there to do that . On my way home I stopped by the dollar store and picked up some Valentines odds and ends . I 'd like to send some small goody bags to school on Valentines Day . I wanted to check out the goodies before they got picked over too badly . They had some cute foam craft sets , which seem like just the ticket . I 've got to keep my goodies hidden from Jamie or he 'll want them right now . He loves hearts . They 're right up there with eggs . Too bad they don 't have any heart eggs ! Let it snow . Let it snow . Let it snow . Today we awoke to lovely surprise . Snow . There was no snow on the ground during the early morning hours , but by 10 : 00 there was a light dusting on the grass . That 's a lot for us now days . We haven 't had a real snow fall since I was a little girl . I took Jamie out and he played in the snow forever . He really had a blast . He sang about snow . He attempted making a snow angel . I had to force him back indoors since I didn 't really have what I consider appropriate clothing for the weather . However , in the afternoon he talked me in to going out for round two . The downside is that school has already been called off for tomorrow due to ice . I didn 't find out until after Jamie went to bed . He 's very excited about school tomorrow . He was supposed to ride the bus for the first time and it they had " Presidential Pajama Day " scheduled . We bought him a bland new pair of warm pajamas with Lightening McQueen from Cars on them . He calls them his speed pajamas . I 'm not sure if the school will postpone the event or cancel it . I 'll pack the pajamas in his book bag just in case when he goes back to school . I know he will be very disappointed when he gets up in the morning . The one thing I hate about sending Jamie to school is writing his name in his clothes . Since I resale his clothes the following year , writing his name in them is a pretty big issue . I found this place on line at www . stuckonyou . biz that has adorable labels that are pretty affordable in my opinion . You can get 50 personalized labels for $ 18 . 95 . I found a promo code online GOCITYKIDS that dropped that price down to $ 15 . 60 . Shipping is $ 4 . 95 . They have lots of other personalized items that are very useful , too . I really like this place . Today the teacher sent out a class news letter . Apparently they send one home at the end of each week to tell you what they did that week , what is going on in the coming week , and send reminders . The kids read the book The Jacket I Wear in the Snow . They learned about Martin Luther King , Jr . They had a party today to celebrate his birthday . They learned about Rosa Parks . Tuesday they are going to learn about the president and have a presidential pajama party . Jamie doesn 't have winter pajamas . He wears shorts pajamas to bed . That means I 'm going to have to go buy him a cute pair of pajamas for Tuesday . The most precious thing was at the end of the newsletter . . . " We have a new friend who has joined our class this week . His name is Jamie so you will hear the children talking about their new friend Jamie . We are excited to have Jamie and his family as part of our preschool family . " I got an email a few moments ago from valuemags . com . You can get 2 years of Parents magazine for free . There are no strings attached , no credit card required , and no survey to fill out . Don 't miss out on this one . I 've gotten free magazines from them before . This is truely without strings . Just click on the picture . He babbled on and on about school throughout the evening . Obviously he had a very positive experience . This morning when I got him ready he broke my heart just a tiny bit . He said , " Mommy ? Don 't leave today . I lost you at school . " I told him that Mommy 's couldn 't stay at school . I asked him if he wanted to go even if Mommy left and he said that he did . Today when I left I made sure he really knew I was leaving . I think that maybe yesterday he was distracted when I kissed him goodbye and was surprised when he realized I was gone . I don 't think he was upset or anything . I just think he was surprised . Who can blame him . I hardly ever leave him anywhere , much less a strange place with strange people . He was a little disturbed yesterday because he left his Eeyore at school . We have three of them so it wasn 't an issue . He was excited when he got into bed because he thought we went and got his Eeyore at school . When we got there this morning it was sitting in his cubby waiting for him . He was happy to get to school and immediately put his coat , hat , and bag up in his cubby himself and put his communication folder in the appropriate basket . His teacher said he did pretty good following directions and everything yesterday . He did have a little trouble staying in his seat for long periods of time , but was not disruptive . I gave him big hugs and kisses and made sure he knew I was leaving and he went back to playing and there was no problem . When we picked him up I got a big hug and kiss . He said he had fun and had a friend named Jack . He said he ate tomatoes . He said McKalah was gone today . He did not pee his pants . I 'm watching McKalah and Hayden for the next few days , maybe longer . My sister - in - law is having a hysterectomy . At least I 'll have a little baby to cuddle while I 'm missing my little boy . I was amazed when we got him to the school . He acted just a little shy going in the doors . The staff that had met him months ago at the evaluation remembered him by name . It seemed like everyone already knew it . They have much better memories than I do . I don 't even remember meeting all of them . He was all smiles , even when he wasn 't quite ready to talk . He took one of his alternate Eeyores ( his transitional object or lovey ) and he only needed him for the first few minutes . Matthew and I stayed for about half an hour , mostly for our own benefit . Jamie only needed me long enough to tour the room and see all the fun stuff there is to do . His teacher showed him the easel with letters and numbers and he began lining letters up on the book case . After that he put them away and went to play a shape game at the table with other children . I managed to pull him away long enough to get a goodbye kiss . I thought I was going to make it without any tears . Honestly , I was happy to see him having so much fun and I didn 't have many fears about leaving . Even so , as we walked down the hall to leave the building I felt the tears well up . I tried to stifle them until I got to the van , but it was no use . They came and I had no control over it . The house was so quiet today while we waited for time to go get him . We had less than three hours to wait . It really did seem like a long time . Maybe at some point I will enjoy some time to myself , but right now I don 't really like it . I don 't quite know what to do with myself . I 'm glad Matthew is on vacation this week . I was so glad when the time finally came to go get my baby . We got to the school and they brought him out to me . I gave him hugs and loaded him into the van . He told me about his day at school . He had bacon , eggs , and milk for breakfast . He had hamburger and french fries with milk for lunch . He played cookie shapes game , went outside to play , somebody pushed him but he didn 't cry , he read books , they did music , he saw McKalah , and based on his description of a loud noise , fire , and Blah Blah Blah by I 'm up right now , getting ready to get him up . I was fine about this , even a little excited , until on the way to Walmart Matthew said something like , " I just keep thinking about if he falls down and gets hurt or something and he cries for his Mommy or Daddy and we won 't be there . " Suddenly , both of us were brushing the tears from our eyes . Somehow that thought actually hadn 't entered my mind , but now a vivid picture of my little boy crying for me and me not being there to hug him and stroke his hair like I always do is almost too much to bear . I 've got to get that picture out of my head . I got on to Matt for telling me that ! I could have gone his whole life without thinking about him crying and me not there to comfort . I sewed little tags in his clothes and packed his backpack last night . It 's surreal . The little backpack he 's using is one we picked up on sale at K - Mart three years ago . It 's a football backpack . Many of you know our nickname for him has always been Football . I remember so vividly when we went in there was a sale display and there was this football backpack on sale for $ 2 . 00 . Matthew just had to have it . He said Jamie would carry it his first day of school . I didn 't believe he really would , but for $ 2 . 00 , I wasn 't worried about it . Today , he will carry that backpack to school . Well , it 's time to get this show on the road ! At least he gets to start on a short day . He goes to school from 8 : 15 to 11 : 45 today . Wednesday is a short day in our school system , not just the preschool . It went really well . She actually specializes in children with autism . There is a nonverbal child with autism in his class . She talked about not fitting the kids into the class , but fitting the class to the kids . She talked about nurturing their special abilities and catching them up with anything they are behind on , but letting them take the lead . Her class room is very structured , but there is free time . She 's prepared for children like Jamie who might get over stimulated . She has a large trash can ( that 's never been used for trash of course ) that is wrapped in carpet for children who might need a few minutes in some small space to calm themselves . She has a corner that 's just for children to get away if they are over stimulated . It has a swing for kids that might need to rock to calm down . There is a big cushioned chair for children that need to be separated for any reason . It 's kind of like a time out chair , but it 's not a punishment . For example , if a child were acting up during an activity , she would allow the child to sit in the chair until he / she is ready to participate . She says children are never left in the chair for more than three minutes . It really sounds as if he 's in the best possible classroom for his needs . The bus has child safety seats with 5 point harnesses . I told her that I was concerned about his height and weight . Some of you may know that we had a very difficult time finding a car seat to accommodate him . She assured me that they had seats that would adjust to any child . On top of the driver there are 2 aides on the bus . I can visit the school any time I want , announced or unannounced . I can bring treats if I want . I can join him for lunch or spend the whole day . She said that the only time she would suggest to parent that they should not visit was if the child wasn 't coping with the parent visiting very well . Then she would discuss this with the parent . Usually , this is a temporary problem and that when the child is well acclimated to the class would no longer be an issue . She said she wouBlah Blah Blah by Well , tomorrow Jamie 's first teacher will be visiting our home . I 'm quite nervous . I can 't believe that he will be starting school . I just gave birth to him a few months ago , right ? Today will be a day for mad cleaning . I want to make a good first impression . My mind is in a frenzy trying to decide what kind of snacks are appropriate for the occasion . Should I just have a plate of cookies prepped or is this a veggie platter kind of moment ? She might not care for any snack at all but I feel that I have to have something to offer . Don 't even get me started on my dilemma about what we should wear ! I just pray Jamie keeps his clothing on . At home he likes to be naked , at least from the waist down . I wonder if she 'll think I 'm really strange when I pop out with the camera ? Here 's the questions I came up with to ask her tomorrow . . . How many children are in the class ? How many teachers aids ? What kind of discipline and / or reward system is used ? What kind of curriculum ? What kind of snacks ? ( Can parents send things like cupcakes or treats , like for Valentines Day ? ) How long has teacher been working with preschool age children ? Does she have any experience with children who have autism spectrum disorders or sensory integration disorders ? What is the class schedule ? ( What do they do during the course of the day ? How structured is it ? ) Are there written reports on child 's progress ? Are there parent teacher conferences ? Can parents visit ? If they can how does that need to be arranged ? Can they come for lunch ? Can they observe the class ? Christmas was wonderful this year . Jamie had a really good time . The lights delighted him to no end . I meant to put up a lot more than I did , but it was so cold we didn 't . It 's probably a really good thing because I already have qualms with he electricity bill . We went to my mother 's house for Christmas the weekend before Christmas . My brothers both brought their families . It was actually fairly pleasant . We had spaghetti and Jamie got a toy guitar , Chutes and Ladders , Hi Ho Cherry O , a castle craft set , a singing Eeyore , and some other miscellaneous odds and ends I can 't quite recall . Christmas Eve we went to my Uncle Ed and Aunt Magaline 's family 's house . Jamie got a Dinosaur game for his smart cycle . He loves his smart cycle . That was a good Christmas purchase from last year that is still in regular use . After we left there we went to Matt 's parents and got together with Matthew 's side of the family . We budgeted Christmas pretty tight this year , but I made lots of goodies and gave them as presents . I got the girls both necklaces and a CD . They were pretty happy . Matthew got a few pairs of pants and I got a new coffee maker . It is awesome . I love it . Jamie got a car that plays YMCA and he loves it . He also got 2 pairs of pants , a belt , a stuffed dog , and a few small cars . One of the pants has a fire truck that lights up on the leg and Jamie just adores that pair of pants . I think I 'll have to go to Walmart and get him some more light up clothing . When we got home I made more goodies and Jamie went to bed quite late . I prepped food for Christmas dinner . I had to redecorate the Christmas tree since the cats had completely demolished it . I salvaged as many pipe cleaners as I could and put them on Jamie 's little tree in his room and decorated it . I got all the presents wrapped and under the tree . We locked the cats in the garage to prevent destruction . I left Jamie 's " animal eggs " unwrapped as the gift from Santa and Matthew and I dragged ourselves to bed . Christmas morning I begrudgingly got up ( after only a couple hoBlah Blah Blah by |
[ This is a story about a teenage boy who desperately wants to try a different reality . He wants , like most teenagers ( and adults ! ) , to be popular . Feel free to print the Google document instead of reading the story as a blog post . Photo below by Michael ONeal . ] Arthur Bradford Sims ' parents had called him at least once a week all fall and carried on about what a great town they had moved to and how wonderful his furniture looked in his new room and how much they were missing him and looking forward to having him home for winter vacation ; and now on his first full day at home , his father was going to lunch with the Rotarians and his mother was downstairs putting on her Pink Lady uniform . He was glad he had slept through breakfast so she couldn 't kiss him goodbye in her Pink Lady uniform . She hadn 't even come to the airport to meet him . " Your mother couldn 't get out of her day at the Gift Shop , the busy season , you know , " his father had said , giving him a firm handshake , a clap on the shoulder . " But she and Tena have everything shipshape for you . " " Tena ? " he had said but he knew , of course , that she would be the maid . His mother always had a maid , always black , and usually middle - aged . He had spent a lot of time in the kitchen with his mother 's maids . He would come home from school and spread his books out on the table and there would be a huge slice of apple pie waiting for him and whatever he wanted to drink . He blamed his mother and her maids for his tendency to overeat . " Starches , " Arthur had replied , squirming under the seat belt and hitting his fist against the palm of the other hand , thinking food fights , hard rolls flying through the air , terror the first time one landed in his plate , his arm going up hesitantly ( as if he were truly taking aim ) and sending it flying back wherever it had come from . " The plane made me feel a little sick , " he had said . " There was a lot of turbulence . " " Damn right , " Arthur thought , waiting for the two of them to get out of the house . " I 'll never make a sailor . " He lay on his back staring at the ceiling , the initials his mother had embroidered on his pajama pocket , rising and falling with his steady breathing as he blotted out all objects that attempted to drift ( his peripheral vision was extremely acute ) into his consciousness - the braided rug , the walnut dresses , the Eye - Saver Study lamp - all objects so familiar and intimate that their very familiarity assaulted him . If furniture could be squeezed , his thoughts would drain from their atoms . The ceiling was new , blank , white and knew nothing about him , especially it did not know that he had never had a real girlfriend . It was a tabula rasa , the here and now , the numerical fact that preceded minus zero , that upon which nothing depends . " Arthur , Arthur , " his mother called up the stairs . " Darling , we 're getting ready to go out now . Don 't forget about my stamps . I like the Madonna , but if they 're out , get the other kind . " " Okay . Goodbye , " he called out , cheerfully . " Have a good time . See you later . " Still supine , he was not at all cheerful and he did not want to be called " Arthur " anymore and he did not want to walk downtown and get stamps for his mother . He didn 't even know where the Post Office was . The Courthouse is next to the Jailhouse and the Jailhouse is next to the Post Office , a mini - civic center , his mother had said , laughing as if anyone at all would be able to find the Post Office . But he didn 't know where any one of those buildings was . He didn 't know one person besides his parents in this stupid town and probably wouldn 't know any more when his vacation was over . For sure , he wouldn 't know any women . The thought of his roommates lying on the beach at Ft . Lauderdale watching the girls go by while he wandered around in this two - bit town looking for the P . O . gave him a rash . He heaved a sigh and heard his Father 's confident , managerial voice booming through the hall , " Fix Arthur some hot tomato soup and a grilled cheese , Tena . " Arthur waited to hear what Tena ( short for Wheatena , his father has said on the drive back from the airport ) would reply ; but if she spoke , her voice was too soft for him to hear . He hasn 't seen her yet and while his father had said she was an excellent maid , very industrious , never wastes a minute , he hadn 't said whether she was 18 or 80 . Arthur was hoping to try out his powers of conjecture before his visual perception was called into play , but he needed a few minimal clues . The front door closed and he concentrated on the ceiling again , his crystal ball . Now the two of them ( Tena and the young master ) were in the house alone . He listened intently ; he lay very still and listened with his whole being . He hoped she would sing or talk to herself ; but instead she was dialing a number . " Mary Beth , honey , tell your Daddy that I 'm going to talk to Jason this afternoon and I 'll tell Jason what your Daddy said I was to tell him . And tell your Daddy I thank him very much . See you tomorrow . " Then the vacuum began and went on humming steadily for fifteen minutes , preventing him from holding the sound of her voice in his power . He strained for a pause in the hum , but none came . He had wanted her to be carefree and untroubled and already he knew she was mixed up in something with Jason , although her voice had been calm and sweet talking to " Mary Beth , honey . " He wondered if she would call him " Arthur , honey " or if he would tell her straight out that he wanted to be " Brad , honey . " The vacuum stopped and a closet door opened and shut . Fear and hunger gripped his stomach with twin pangs . Maybe she wouldn 't hang around if he didn 't come downstairs and show himself . With one motion he threw back the covers and grabbed for his clothes , looking out the window to see what the weather was like . It looked cold , but compared to New Haven it probably wasn 't . He had one leg in his jeans when he heard her going out the back door ; and when he hobbled over to the window to be sure , half in and half out of his pants , the window was steamed up and he had to rub a circle before he could see a slightly - built young woman ( yes , black ) dressed in a short suede jacket and wearing a red cap , ear muffs , and red mittens walking away from the house . He yanked the window up and called out , " Tena , Tena . Where 's my lunch ? " but she didn 't look back . She didn 't walk any faster away from the house but she kept walking like she had a place she needed to get to by a certain time . He closed the window and thought about getting back in bed , but changed his mind and buttoned his jeans , gazing out at the house next door , almost exactly like this one except for a high fence around the backyard . A brace of unexceptional abodes , he thought . " We found a lovely Dutch Colonial , " his mother had written , " And we have wonderful neighbors who have made us feel very welcome . " " Hot damn , " he said , kicking his shoes under the bed and then getting down and pulling them out to put on . As long as he had got up he might as well go downstairs and eat thought he wasn 't as hungry now as he had thought he was . " Curses , foiled again , " he said and practiced a few of his Gene Kelly steps . For once they had bought a house that didn 't have carpeted stairs . On the kitchen table there was a note in a very neat cursive hand , " Arthur , your mother said if you didn 't come downstairs by the time I finished my work that I could leave your lunch on the table . Tena . " The note was propped against a can of tomato soup and a cheese sandwich wrapped in saran . There was a can opener and a small sauce pan next to the soup and butter had been spread on top of the bread . " Well , I can see you don 't believe in babying the young master , " he said and ate the cheese sandwich , turning the bread around so that the buttered part was on the inside . Then he opened cupboards until he found where the cans were kept in this new house and put the can back where it came from . They would never run out of tomato soup . His mother bought it by the case . " Where 's the Post Office . I have to buy some stamps for my Mother . She 's got so much volunteer work to do that she doesn 't have time to buy her own stamps . She needs somebody with a college education to come home for Christmas and go to the Post Office for her . " Mary Beth grinned at him and started to put her jacket back on . She was still wearing her galoshes . " Yeah , " she said . " Your papa and my papa are both Rotarians and your mama and my mama are like this . " She held up two fingers . " You mother is Admiral material , son , " his father had said . " She would have loved to have a big family , but it didn 't turn out that way . " His father had looked at him like he was at fault for being an only child and worse he had looked as if he were going to tell him that he was adopted or the product of artificial insemination or something like that . Instead they had gone home and built a fire in the fireplace ; and he hadn 't had the nerves to ask if his father meant to say anything else and he didn 't . His father showed him how to arrange the kindling and always have three logs and don 't use but a wisp of paper . They never had lived in a house that hadn 't had at least one fireplace . " He was in a fight , " the kid said , reaching up and taking his hand . " Nobody was killed . Tena told my Daddy he had to fight back , but the police put him in jail anyway . " She reached for his hand again . " I don 't think you 're mean . Your mama said you were too nice ; that 's why you hadn 't ever had a girlfriend . " She looked up at him like she would be his pal for at least the week her friend was gone to visit her grandmother but she wasn 't making any promises beyond that . He knew the look . When they got to the Post Office he told her to go in and ask for a sheet of Madonna stamps and gave her a five - dollar bill . He said he would buy her two banana splits if she would do that for him . He could see there was a line and only one window . It was going to take at least fifteen minutes and he could imagine the going - over from the local populace he would get if he was to stand in that line , either by himself or with her . It was probably just what his mama had in mind . " Don 't go off anywhere , " the girl said , taking the bill . She pointed to a sign set outside the Post Office saying " Learn Electronics - Be a Naval Technician . " She instructed , " Wait right there . " He turned around and saw that the Courthouse and the Jailhouse were directly across the street , one behind the other . Like the Post Office , they were built of yellow brick . He could see that there was a certain economy to having the Jailhouse next to the Courthouse . There was neatly trimmed shrubbery planted all around the Courthouse and a lawn of winter grass on three sides but the Jailhouse was surrounded by crushed granite and a ten - foot fence with three strands of barbed wire at the top . While he was counting the number of windows , somebody on the second floor waved a handkerchief between the bars , and out of the corner of his eye he saw Tena coming along the path that led from the Courthouse . She was still wearing the bright red hat and mittens but she had taken off the ear muffs and she was carrying a giant sack of popcorn . When she got up close to the fence , he saw a dark brown arm come through the bars and wave . There was a bandage around the wrist . She stood in front of the window and listened to what the person inside ( Jason , he assumed ) was saying and she shook her head yes and no several times . Some other people came over and started talking to her and looking up at Jason . He couldn 't understand anything any of them said ; but when they moved off and left her standing by herself , she called out , and the wind caught her sweet , clear voice and carried it to him like a gift , asking Jason , " Do you like popcorn ? I brought you some popcorn . " The kid had finished at the window and was coming towards him . He wondered if he told her that Tena was talking to Jason at the Jail , what she would do . Leave him standing on the sidewalk while she ran off to be with Tena ? Drag him along with her to talk to Tena ? He felt like he was in some kind of " B " movie . Any minute he expected somebody to come over and say something insulting to him . He couldn 't think what it would be but something he would have to respond to with physical violence . When they got to the Drugstore , she steered him to a booth and then sent him to the fountain for their order . He had finished his coke before she had barely started on the second scoop of ice cream . He watched the methodical way she dipped her spoon and wondered if she could actually eat two banana splits . If just once in his life somebody ( anybody ) would ask him ( not tell him ) did he like popcorn , he would die content . A yearning took hold of him so overpowering he told her he had to make a phone call and went to the pay phone in the back by the prescription counter and called his roommates in Fort Lauderdale . They were about to walk out of the room to go to the beach and they let the girls they had with them say " Hello , Brad , hurry on down . " He said he 'd be on the Silver Comet faster than ice cream could melt or tomato soup form a good skin on top and he would not even leave a note on the kitchen table . The look on her face ( he remembered that she had been counting on him for entertainment ) reminded him of his mother and how he had studiously avoided giving her a good smack on the lips . Now that he was cutting out , he wished he had . Instead , he leaned forward and kissed Mary Beth on the cheek . " Thanks kid , " he said . " Thanks a lot . " The other mystery which puzzled people like my brother , who had read all the Sherlock Holmes books , was that Mr . Hexter 's house was supposed to have a dumbwaiter . It didn 't seem reasonable . The house was only one story with three rooms , barely large enough for a bachelor like Mr . Hexter who took his meals at the boarding house downtown and who had no relatives to entertain and never engaged in card parties or otherwise invited anyone save the minister to cross his threshold . How could a one - story house have a dumbwaiter , my brother and I asked ourselves over and over . No other house in town had such a device . The grandest domestic arrangement we knew of was a backstairs in the home of a former congressman , a person far above Mr . Hexter 's station in life . Yet we had always known about the dumbwaiter the same as we had always known not to ask Mr . Hexter how he lost his leg or how it was he had no family . He limped that way into church too , taking the steps one leg at a time , settling into a pew towards the front , his stiff leg stretched straight out . Invited to rise and fall as the minister directed , most of the infirm and elderly remained seated ; but not Mr . Hexter , no matter how awkward . He was a man of observance . Since Mr . Hexter never used crutches , there was no way he would have taken the leg off in one room and then gone into his bedroom and gotten into bed . A person would have to be extremely nimble to hop about like that on one leg and clearly old Mr . Hexter wasn 't , heaving his artificial leg along like a great stiff board , a burden if ever there was one , but still a great invention for a person deprived of the normal leg that most of us enjoy without giving it a second thought . My brother compared him to Long John Silver with his craggy visage and tapping peg leg and we were relieved that Mr . Hexter could wear a regular shoe and hide his maimed body under the long canvas apron which protected him from the grime and messiness of his trade . On Sunday at church he was often accompanied by some lost soul he had badgered into coming with him . I came into his shop one day when he was after one of these poor sinners and heard Mr . Hexter meeting his protests . " You just get down there to the clothing store and buy yourself a suit of Sunday clothes . They 'll put it on my bill . " And when Sunday came , I saw the man , suitably clothed , sitting with Mr . Hexter . They never came twice these lost sheep , but Mr . Hexter made a rich man of the clothing store owner , my father said . When he died there wasn 't much furniture in his little house , but what there was he left to the church along with the house . Even when the furniture and odds and ends were auctioned off , the artificial leg didn 't turn up . There was a lot of talk then , but by the time the house had stood empty for six months or more , most people had forgotten all about Mr . Hexter and his artificial leg . I was sure , however , that my brother hadn 't forgotten , that he meant to investigate for himself the inside of Mr . Hexter 's house ; and I watched all through the summer for signs of the irresistible itch that I had seen come over him before when a house stood empty for any length of time . Because I had proved my trustworthiness on several occasions , I hoped that he would take me with him when he decided to break into Mr . Hexter 's house . Even though it was church property under the terms of Mr . Hexter 's will and I knew well the penalty for violating church property with an unclean heart , I prayed nightly that my brother would invite me to go with him . When the day came , he stood in front of our parents with his fingers crossed behind his back and said that he would take me swimming with him if they gave permission . It was late in August just before school started up again and right after lunch when we could be pretty sure that there would be nobody on the streets or busy in their yards . Any neighbors who hadn 't gone to the mountains for the worst of August were at least sensible enough to lie down and be still in the early afternoon . There was a window where the latch had rusted loose , and since nothing of value was left inside the house , nobody had bothered to fix it . My brother carefully raised the window and we crawled into what appeared to be a kitchen ; the next room was a small sitting or dining room and the next was a bedroom or so it seemed from the built - in cupboard and the faded wall paper where pictures or at least a calendar had been hung . We shone the flashlight in closets and cupboards , but not even a button or stray pin was left . We looked carefully about the paneling supposed that we would see immediately the place where the dumb waiter would be , but there was no sign of any opening . We felt about for a secret spring that would reveal an opening , but with no luck . Then we looked for stairs to go down to a cellar or maybe a trap door . Nothing . The house was too simple and beastly hot . There was no break in the flooring anywhere . Defeated and perspiring , we crawled outside again and looked around to see if there was some clue we had missed . We knew that there had to be a cellar door . Two old - fashioned rambling rose bushes had been planted in the back ; and as we gingerly lifted back the long , intertwined canes , we could see a small wooden cover . My brother got out his jackknife and pried at the edge until it splintered and gave . We crawled backwards down five rotting steps . He shone his flashlight around the room and sure enough there was a fireplace , large enough for open - hearth cooking . " Look , " he said , pulling at the rope . " They put the food on a tray and there was another person upstairs who took it off and served it . " He tugged again at the rope . At first it didn 't budge ; but when he tried harder , it pulled loose and we could hear the sound of the platform breaking loose overhead seconds before it landed with a plop and clatter , raising the dust of years . When we opened our eyes and took our hands away from our mouths , the flashlight beam rested on Mr . Hexter 's leg . The dumb waiter must have been his hiding place ; and what we had thought was the dining room was really his bedroom . Probably the panel was where he could reach it from his bed and along with the funeral director we had been too dumb to spot it . " 103 Brandywine Lane . " Penelope lovingly pronounced the bordering streets , " George Washington Drive , Benjamin Franklin Place , Alexander Hamilton Terrace . " After all the Embarcaderos , Divisideros , El Carmelos , and Loma Verdes they had spent their apartment days on , the names seemed rich in history , evocative , promising a solid future . The house was a mix of architectural styles - a bit of dental work , a patch of fish - scale shingles , and a miniature widow 's walk . Maybe they would take off the widow 's walk at some point , but now they wanted to unpack their boxes for good and settle down . By Sunday night , Penelope 's workroom was set up with her drafting table and paint pots ; and Bernie 's closet was hung with his business suits and coordinating shirts and ties . Bernie thought about Penelope all day , her sense of humor , her talent , how much she loved him and how much he loved her , how lucky they were to have found the house . It made up for his job , his tortured dealings with Morrison , his boss . Somehow he couldn 't find an area where he felt simpatico with Morrison . He couldn 't zoom onto the right wavelength . They were both talking about Countdown Clothes ; but Bernie , who handled advertising , couldn 't connect somehow to Morrison 's concepts . Actually , it was Morrison who couldn 't connect to Bernie 's concepts ; but Bernie could not say that to anyone but Penelope , who always was on the same wavelength . Bernie rubbed his hands back and forth over her shoulders until he felt her relax , go soft against his body . How could he have known the neighbors ' dog would bark like a maniac . When they looked at the house , the dog , a beautiful Irish Setter , was sitting quietly on the neighbors ' patio , looking as if he didn 't have a bark in his head . They both knew that moving was not an option . Their finances were already stretched . It was a double bind . If Penelope weren 't freelancing at home , saving the money that a studio would have cost , they couldn 't afford the monthly payments ; and it was because she was working at home that the barking dog was driving her crazy . " Surely we can solve this problem , " Bernie said . The idea that an Irish Setter was going to dictate their lives seemed ridiculous . Irish Setters were supposed to be even - tempered , good with children . This one seemed singularly dedicated to full - time barking . " I felt so irritated today I didn 't get a lick of work done . First I tried ear plugs but they made my ears hurt and then I moved to our bedroom but the light was no good . I can 't meet my deadline if I miss another day of work . " Bernie did the washing up so that she could get back to her drawing board . " I feel much better , " she said , kissing him goodnight ; but she tossed and turned for hours and once she woke him up saying , " Stupid dog . " When he put his arm out , she snuggled against him and sighed in her sleep . The responsibility ! What if she weren 't a " liberated " woman with her own business and her own business card . How had men stood it before women took charge of their lives . He wondered if Morrison 's wife snuggled up to him in bed . Miss McFadden , the secretary , said she bred dogs . He wondered what breed and Miss McFadden said , " Something like miniature long - haired dachshunds . The next time he was in Morrison 's office , he noticed a picture of his wife holding two puppies . They looked as if they were yapping at the top of their lungs and he told Miss McFadden she should type " Yap , Yap " and tape it to the picture like the subtitles in old movies . " I love it , " Penelope said . " Would it be possible that dog owners enjoy dog barking the way opera lovers love opera singing ? Perhaps he 's an Irish tenor and we are simply not tuned into dog arias . " ESP didn 't help . They both concentrated like crazy when the dog was let out for the day and the neighbors went off to work . " Don 't bark , don 't bark , don 't bark . " He concentrated so hard that he jumped when the dog started up . " What have we done to you ? " No matter what the dog meant to express , his barking sounded to Bernie as if he wanted to chew them to bits , just the way he felt when Morrison spit out , " Orders ! Orders ! " All day he thought about the problem . He called his friend in the Legal Department and got suggestions Formidable . First they would have to make polite requests , give the neighbors adequate time to comply , etc . " Get a dog yourself and let them bark at each other , " the friend said . For that he needed a law degree ? He was so upset thinking how upset Penelope was , he was sure that Morrison would notice ; but Morrison was having an off day . Just before five Morrison called him into his office . Bernie made a point of staring at the picture of Mrs . Morrison with the dogs , but he didn 't say anything . There was a report he and Morrison were supposed to go over . Bernie smiled in the direction of Mrs . Morrison 's photograph and held on hard to the chair in front of him . He would be able to recall this conversation for Penelope with no strain . He felt his brain recording it for all eternity . Lately he had felt his brain whirring on and off with the slight sound a computer makes in action , little starts and stops , wait , saving file , etc . Barks at home , bites in the office . The noise ordinance was confusing . It specifically referred to leaf - blowers , so many decibels allowed . She liked the word decibel . It made her think of a poem by Edgar Allen Poe . " You might as well try to prevent conversation , " the woman at City Hall said when Penelope described the situation . " Try Small Claims Court . " Do dogs have free speech rights , Penelope wondered . Is speech a survival instinct ? The dog only barked when the owners were not there , which was most of the waking day . He must be experiencing loneliness , but why did his vocal chords collapse . Did the constant exercise of the bark increase capacity and strength to bark . At first she thought it was the garbage truck the dog was barking at , but that would explain only one morning of the week . Dogs were dominated by their sense of smell just as she was dominated by her auditory sense . It was imperative that she develop a strategy . Together Bernie and Penelope worked on a formal letter of complaint , trying to achieve just the right tone . After all , they were going to be living next to these people for a long time . Just as they were putting the finishing touches on the letter and were ready to run it off on their printer , using Penelope 's letterhead to emphasize her professional need for peace and quiet , the phone rang . It was Flora , next door , who introduced herself and invited them over for drinks on Friday . " Thank you , we 'd love to , " Bernie said . " Flora and Lance . And we are Bernie and Penelope . Oh yes , you also have Rusty . We will look forward to getting acquainted . " " That 's a break , " he said , turning to Penelope . " Now we can address them by their names . If we can 't negotiate something , we can still send the letter . " The next morning as soon as the dog started , Penelope plugged in their tape recorder and ran the microphone out the window . She filled one side with continuous barking . She listened for nuances of barking . When he stopped for a minute , she assumed he had gone to his water bowl . Second verse , same as the first , a little bit louder and a little bit worse . She thought of the other Irish Setters she had known . All she could remember was how beautiful they were , nothing at all about barking . Lassie , who of course was a collie , never barked except in extremis . Lassie was so thoughtful and caring and capable that a mere child was his master [ sic ] . Was she incompetent , at fault in this matter of the barking dog . She put the tape and tape recorder by her handbag . On Friday when Bernie came home from work they went into conference . " What should we do first ? How should we go about this ? " Planning was essential . He had seen too many sweet deals fall through because somebody had forgotten to take care of the details , decide who was going to say what . " Never assume anything , " Morrison said and although he hated to agree with Morrison he had to admit he was right on that assumption . When he went into conference with Morrison he felt the carpet had found inches of foam underneath . Unnerving . " Glad you could come over , " he said and extended his other hand . " We 're training Rusty by the Barbara Woodhouse method , but sometimes the hand signals get in the way of other uses you want to make of your hands . Sit down , please . " Flora appeared with the leash and attached it to Rusty 's collar . She held her hand at waist height , slightly cupped with the leash strap over two fingers and then slapped one hand against her leg as she said , " Walk , Rusty , " and made a quick circle around the patio . " Barbara Woodhouse calls this walkies , " she said . She leaned down and praised Rusty , " Good dog . " Penelope pointed to the window of their house where her workroom was . " You see , I work at home and Rusty barks a lot . It 's hard to concentrate . " " I 'm so sorry , " Flora said . " I had no idea . I do hope it won 't happen again . Let him get acquainted . " She stopped stroking Rusty and gave him a push in Penelope 's direction . He leaped across the patch of grass and sniffed at Penelope 's sandals . She could feel Flora watching for signs that she was flinching . She remembered her English professor explaining how the poet achieves his purpose in a poem by throwing the dog a juicy piece of meat while he gets on with ransacking the house . It was an idea she had intellectually accepted , but never realized emotionally before . It had seemed so vague - though presented by the professor in such a spellbinding way - she felt struck dumb with the clarity of it while Rusty slobbered on her big toe . She reached for one of the cocktail napkins and dried her toe . Then she ran her hand over Rusty 's head . She felt his response and repeated the stroke . He moved closer and rested his head on her knee . " Rusty , " she said without meaning to , or had she said ' precious ' ? She looked at Flora , who was smiling proudly . Lance came out with a tray of wine glasses and a bottle of wine . Flora followed with a tray of cheese and crackers . Tucked under her arm was a folder . She showed them a photograph of Rusty wearing a Mortar Board . " It was a package deal . There 's a fancy certificate with a gold seal . We decided not to frame it . After he graduated from obedience school , we saw the Woodhouse method on television and decided to give him a postgraduate course . " " They seem very pleasant , but it 's clear that they don 't believe me since the dog doesn 't bark when they are home . ' She hopes it won 't happen again . ' She thinks I 'm referring to an isolated incident . " Bernie felt hopeless . He remembered a line Miss McFadden used a lot , especially when he complained to her about Morrison . " Sometimes you can 't win for losing . " The next morning Penelope thought Rusty wouldn 't bark . Now he would know that he had a friend next door . As soon as Flora and Lance drove out of their driveway , the barking began . " No , don 't do that , " Penelope said . " You 'll get your nose caught . Wait a minute . " She went into the kitchen and cut up a turkey hot dog . Would he care if it were heated or not ? She doubted it . She tossed the pieces over the fence and thought maybe he barks because they don 't feed him enough . She ran back into the house and telephoned Bernie . " I don 't feel right about doing that . Suppose one of them got sick and came home unexpectedly from work . Or suppose the meter reader came by or who knows what . It sounds too much like a Raymond Carver story , you know the one where the couple tried on the other couple 's clothes . " " Well , you 'll work it out somehow , " Bernie said . He could see Morrison coming down the hall towards his office . " You can 't let a stupid dog ruin your life , our life . " As soon as she hung up she could hear that the barking had started again . Maybe it was squirrels he was barking at . That would be only instinct . She raced around to the gate and opened the latch . " Rusty , old barker . Quiet down . " Rusty came towards her and waited to be petted . His leash was hanging by the back door . She said , " Sit . " He sat . " Good dog . " She snapped the leash on and said , " Walkies . " Rusty followed alongside her and she brought him into her yard . " What a good dog . " Shouldn 't she reward Rusty for being a good dog . She picked out the meat from some left - overs and put it on a plate . She found a bowl for water and stroked his beautiful , silky coat . " Just a tidbit , you wouldn 't want to lose your appetite . " She stroked his head again and thought what a wonderful color his coat was . She brought him into her workroom and closed the door . He lay down very calmly on the rug . Penelope thought she heard a sigh of relief . " That makes two of us . " She did a quick sketch of Rusty curled up on her rug , then she settled into her job . The next morning Penelope opened a can of roast beef hash and poached an egg to go on top . " I don 't think you 're eating a proper lunch , " she said to Bernie . " You 'd better have a good breakfast . " When she went to the grocery store , she looked in the pet section at the flea collars and toys . A woman stopped and picked up a flea collar . " These are really good , " she said . " What breed of dog do you have ? " When she got home , she didn 't feel like settling down to work . Rusty would probably like a walk . Maybe it was exercise instead of food that would keep him from barking . Maybe it would calm her nerves as well . She has never done a sneaky thing in her life before . She wonders if people who steal babies from buggies feel as excited as she feels now . She attaches Rusty 's leash and starts down the street . Who would know it 's not her dog ? She looks like a dog owner , she knows the commands . This blog was created to share and honor the writings of Virginia McKinnon Mann . Click here to learn more about the author . Click here to browse recollections of her early life in Wadesboro , North Carolina . |
Sorry for the long time between posts . At first I had nothing to write about , then when I got something I was so busy that I didn 't get the chance . 3 weeks ago was exams and also a horrible week for me . I am not going to go into detail but it was a rough week . Then on the 20th Bashayer came to stay with me . I picked her up in Bangkok at 7 : 30 AM and then we went to some street markets for breakfast and to look around . My host mom left us in Siam , the large mall center in Bangkok , so we went to the international market and to a movie . We got to see the first half of Whip It before realizing that if we didn 't leave we were going to be late for the van , we had to get home before 6 . We ended up being late anyway but at least we tried to get there on time . That night we went for a walk on the beach and we talked about a lot of stuff . It was nice to have someone I could talk to and share all my problems with and who would understand . We ended up going in earlier than we wanted because we were being eaten alive by mosquitos . Monday we had school and so she got to meet all my friends . It was a little weird for me all the attentiont they gave her , but it was alright . She immediately liked Sai and she liked my other friends too . School is school so we didn 't have loads of fun , but I think she liked it . Tuesday we had English with this one teacher who doesn 't know anything , but she is really nice . In the afternoon we have 6th and 7th period free because boys have military training so the teacher took us to the palace of Rama V . After school went went the the big palace in Petchaburi and then ran errands with my host mom . After we got home we helped to cook and then spent the night together having fun and talking . Wednesday nothing special happened . After school we went gift shopping because I had to Preaw a gift since I drew her name and I still had to get Bashayer 's gift so went to this one shop and I made a cool key chain for Preawa nd then Bashayer and I decided to make eachother bracelets . It was a lot of fun , but took aPosted by December 10 marks the Constitution Day which is held annually to commemorate the advent of the regime of Constitutional Monarchy in Thailand . Previously , the government of Thailand was an absolute monarchy until June 24 , 1932 there was a transition to constitutional monarchy led by a group of young intellectuals educated abroad and inspired by the concept of western democratic procedures . The group which was known as " People 's Party or Khana Rasdr " was led by Luang Pradit Manudharm ( Pridi Panomyong ) . To avoid bloodshed , King Rama VII graciously agreed to abolish absolute monarchy and handed over the country 's first " Permanent " Constitution . In fact , King Rama VII ( King Prajadhipok ) had prepared , even before being asked , to hand over his powers to the people . So on Wednesday I decided I was going to try and speak some Thai with my classmates , well it turned into them not letting me speak English anymore ! It wasn 't so bad on Wednesday when Mo was there because she could help me . On Thursday and Friday she was gone . She had a speech competition ( which she did really well in , took first place ) , so I was left to fend for myself . It wasn 't so bad , a little confusing , but it was fun . I got to talk to some of the girls in my class that I hadn 't before and I sat with a different group of people at lunch . I 'm really getting to know the kids in my class more and more and I like them even more the better I get to know them ! On Thursday we didn 't have class until 4th period so we sat in the Library and they made me practice me Thai reading for three periods . I thought my brain was going to explode by the end ! After lunch I went and sat with some of the girls and we talked . At one point they decided that they wanted to play with my hair because it was pretty so they did my hair . I also gave them my camera to take pictures and they had lots of fun . After they finished my hair ( which looked really cool ) we had PE . My PE is self - defense , totally not me . It turns out I 'm pretty good at it because I was taking on ever girl in my class ( I think they are all really weak because I hardly had to try to break their tightest grip ) . It was a lot more fun than I thought it would be . I learned the word for hurt because I was very sore after class . Friday was another language challenge but it went alright . 2nd period I have Art and they teacher is so cute . She doesn 't speak a lot of English but she tries . Lucas is also in that class and she really likes us . Every week she gives us fruit or candy . This week she gave me a big bag of Glass Mangos . She said that Lucas and I are her son and daughter , it was really cute . 7th period I have Social Study with Peach and Lucas and Lucas and I were talking . We weren 't being very loud or anything but apparently one of the girls in the class didn 't appreciate oPosted by So I want to start by apologizing for the long gap between posts . I have been so busy with everything lately that I barely have time to think alone before I 'm heading to bed . I 'm not complaining though , it 's kind of nice . Anyway last Thursday was Thanksgiving so I had a Thai Thanksgiving . They don 't have an oven or turkey so I had to talk to mom about what kind of things I could make . In the end I made sweet potatoes ( which are different than American sweet potatoes ) , potatoes ( no cheese or sour cream , but I like potatoes so it didn 't matter to me ) , strawberry jello with bananas , and fried chicken . After school I went to the market with my host mom and we bought everything I would need . We couldn 't find some of the things right away , but I didn 't let it discourage me and eventually we got the things we needed . When we got home I changed out of my uniform and got cooking right away . I made quite a mess , but it was fun . I had Meow help me and in time we got it done . It took a long time and I felt like a chicken with it 's head cut off running everywhere . Mike was eating everything before I could get it on the table . They were all a little shocked when I said we were eating the American way so we didn 't have rice . Everyone loved it and they made me make the chicken again on Friday night . I made them do the " Thanks " and they didn 't really understand , but it was cute . A FEW Things I 'm thankful for : My American Family for all the love and support they give meMy host family for taking me in and supporting me and taking care of meMy friends for always being there for meMy skating , because I love it and I know how much it costs so I 'm thankful for being able to do itAll the Opportunities in my life and all the blessings I 've been given ! Thank you to everyone who loves me and prays for me ! Just knowing that you are there and supporting me means sooo much to me ! Thank you to everyone ! So let me start with yesterday . I woke up and read ( nothing special ) . Then I had a little grill circle ( my host aunt brought one of those things like at the restaurant for us to use ) . Everything was good , then Meow put an egg in the water so that everything in it was covered , she wasn 't thinking . I ended up only eating bits of pork after that , but it was still good . Then my host aunt bought me watermelon , like she usually does . After lunch I watched Legally Blonde one and two with Meow . When she had to go and water the trees I went and read until it was time to make dinner . After dinner I went on the computer for a little while before I helped my host mom in the store . The lady who normally comes and prices everything and washes dishes and the does the floor didn 't come so she had us kids helping . I got to use the price machine to put the stickers on everything . They would tell me the prices in Thai so that I would get used to hearing them ( I only messed up once ) . After we finished in the store I helped cut things for today . Then I finished watch Legally Blonde 2 , showered and went to bed ( even though everyone else was up , it was after 12 so I went to bed ) . I will like to take a moment now and talk about Mike . He is EXACTLY like Sarah ! He is ALWAYS on either the computer or TV , he only does his chores part way , he lies about how much screen time he 's used , he makes more work for the rest of us , and he is always eating snacks even when my host mom tells him he can 't . It 's funny how many similarities they have . He doesn 't bug me though because he doesn 't speak enough English , but he bugs Meow all the time . I have to say that at least Sarah would read sometimes and she did her homework more often than Mike does and a little better quality . Mike is always ' forgetting ' about his homework and so my host mom is always getting calls from his teachers complaining . He is now on ADHD meds , but only 20 mg ( I 'm on 80 and he 's worse than me ! ) and they will stop selling them in Thailand come February so my Posted by So the last several days I did nothing , really , not even homework . Today was an eventful day though . Last night , more this morning really really early actually , there was a shooting star . I stayed up all night to watch it . I read until midnight when I decided to shower to waste some time . Then I tried to understand some Lord of the Rings , Meow and my host mom were watching ( it 's my host mom 's favorite movie ) , but I didn 't get it so I went to my room and watched Breakfast at Tiffany 's . When I finished watching my movie I decided I could lay down and sleep for a little while , 30 minutes . It wasn 't much of a sleep , I barely fell asleep before I had to get up again , but it was better than nothing I guess . At 3 : 30 my host dad , host mom , Meow , and I walked to the beach . We grabbed some chairs from one of the places on the beach and sat and waited . It was really windy , which made it a little hard to breathe , but it was really nice . We watched the star , it appeared every 10 minutes , always from somewhere new and going a different direction so you had to constantly be looking for it . I tried to get a picture but it moved too fast and was very small . At 5 we went back to the house where I finished getting ready for bed and then crashed ! I woke up this morning several times , but officially at 11 : 15 when Meow knocked on my door at told me Gayoon was making a surprise visit in 20 minutes . I was glad I showered at night so I didn 't have to worry about it in my short amount of time . She came and talked to my host mom and then she talked to me . She said that I needed to be more involved and to make more friends and be more ' open ' or she wasn 't going to let Bashayer come in December ! I can 't stand the way she talks to me or the way she just makes assumptions . I just nodded and tried not to say anything so that I wouldn 't ruin my chances of Bashayer coming any more . We then went out to lunch , where nobody talked to me . We were there for almost two hours and nobody said anything to me except to ask if I wanted sPosted by Today was a highly unmotivated day . I mainly read and did nothing . I got the Christmas package ready to mail out tomorrow and I read . I played tennis for a while with Meow and Mike and I talked to home for a while this morning . There was no breakfast this morning so by lunch I was starving . When I started to eat lunch I realized it had been 23 hours since I had eaten last , no wonder I was hungry ! Tennis was fun but I sweat a lot ! The bugs were really bad . As soon as we stepped onto the court the mosquitoes started attacking us . Someone had left some bug repellent on the court so we used that , but they still ate me ! On the way to play tennis we bought some potato like snack thing and the other two were arguing about them . Sometimes I am glad I don 't understand Thai because then I don 't have to listen to their stupid arguments or get involved . So right next to the tennis court there is a building that is kind of like a concession . Well there was a lady there today and Meow said that she lives there because she is homeless . It was not a good place for her to live and I felt sorry for her . The bottom of our driveway had a huge dip to the road so they fixed it today . Whatever they used smelled like manure and it made everything around smell like it too . I could smell it in my room and it was not pleasant ! Well tonight I want to load some pics onto my computer and finish up my last piece for the box . If I get the chance I will add some pics to Facebook . I am not motivated to do anything today so we 'll see . I wanted to work on my homework today but that didn 't happen , maybe tomorrow will be better ! Well that was my boring day . Maybe tomorrow will be more interesting to read but I doubt it ! Allyson Today was a lot of fun ! I got up 15 minutes later than I was supposed to and as a result was running behind . I took a quick shower and did my make - up fast . I had some instant mush stuff for breakfast and burned my tongue from eating it too fast . I then went and waited for the car . While we were waiting my host mom was showing me things around the area . She showed me the mango trees on the sides of our house and then we walked across the street to some vendors to see the drying mini shrimp ( they look like someone ground some pork or something ) . The car drove past the house so my host mom and I had to run after it , I must say it was pretty funny . My host mom told the driver to drop me off at Big C and then I was off for the day . I arrived at Big C at 8 : 10 and called Peach . She was just leaving her house to go and pick up her cousin . I sat in front by the highway and waited , in the sun . They arrived at 9 and she couldn 't find me . Through the use of cell phones and KFC she found me and we were on our way . We then drove to pick up Lucas . Once we picked him up we drove to Hua Hin . We went to the mall and looked around for a little while . We wanted to get DQ but they weren 't open yet so we went and looked at Tesco Lotus , a large grocery store like Walmart . We spent like 30 minutes looking around . I bought some granola bars so that I have a snack for school . After we left Tesco Lotus we went up stairs to a café for breakfast and so Peach could have her French lesson ( she has a private teacher who meets her there ) . When we had finished eating Lucas , Ann ( Peach 's cousin ) , and I went and walked around the mall . It was fun even though we didn 't do anything . At the end Lucas went into the arcade and played a driving game that he was really bad at . Then we went back to the café to pick up Peach . Once we had Peach we did some more shopping and some more arcade games . Lucas bought a new phone for over $ 300 and he played with it for the rest of the afternoon . I bought a watch for 159 baht ( so it won 't last ) because minPosted by Today started out rough . I couldn 't get out of bed after being up till midnight , but it didn 't matter anyway because I still had to wait for my uniform to be delivered . The guy was running late so I didn 't even get dressed till 7 : 15 . I ate in less than 5 minutes and then headed to school . My first class was Thai . The teacher is really nice and she tried to including me as much as she could , which included giving me homework . I have to write a poem and a book report before next Monday and then Mo has to translate it ( I feel bad for her ) . I was hoping to use an old piece from America , I brought my USB with them on it , but I don 't think any of them are good enough or easy enough for Mo to translate . I wrote a part of a poem , but I don 't know if I will use it yet . I was hoping to use my book review from history last year as I guide as to what I need to do but that is the one document I don 't have , of course , so I 'm going to have to wing it . After Thai was Art with Peach and Lucas . Peach was supposed to be translating but she was busy drawing a face . The teacher is really nice . She came over and showed me what we were doing and tried to explain what we were doing . Before I left she gave me a passion fruit , I don 't know why , and gave Lucas so cookie thing . I got full marks on my bird drawing , thank goodness , but I had to present to the class about it and I didn 't know what to say so I stood there and blabbered and smiled my way through it . After Art was Social Study . They had a test today so I read . After the test the girls went to lunch and I went to the English Corner because I was supposed to have a Math lesson . Michelle forgot and went to lunch . I sat there and read until 5th period . I ate lunch with Peach and Lucas since the girls already ate . After I finished eating I tried to find the girls but I couldn 't . One of the girls in my class told me that they had a test next period so I didn 't need to come , so I didn 't see the girls again . My 7th period is Social Study with Peach . When I got therPosted by Today I was supposed to get up and go running with Meow at 6 , but thank goodness neither one of us is responsible enough to go to bed at a decent time and neither one of us is a morning person . I turned my alarm off so I 'm glad I naturally wake up at the time I 'm supposed to get up . I didn 't need to shower because I showered last night so I quick brushed my teeth and washed my face and got out so my host mom could shower . School was homeroom and then Social Study again . After Social Study was English . Most of the time I don 't pay attention in English , so when the teacher called on me to read something I was lost . I don 't have a book for English so I had to borrow Mo 's and thank goodness she was paying attention and could tell me what I was supposed to do . After I finished reading they discussed a little and then Boom practiced her speech . She is so good at Chinese , she had the whole thing memorized ! Third period I didn 't do anything but read . Fifth period was another English but I didn 't get called on . I sat next to some different people in that class because I went to the building without Boom and Mo . They had me copying their writing and they liked to try and talk with me . They seemed very nice . Lunch was the same old same old . After lunch was PE , but no one showed up , not even the teacher . We sat there and read and did homework . There was a nice breeze ( which is rare ) so I wasn 't hot . They didn 't go right to class when the bell rang , which is still strange for me . We showed up like 10 minutes late but the teacher still wasn 't there . They did their bows and then the teacher showed up . The lesson was strange , the parts I caught at least . The teacher was using an elephant to explain something and she kept rubbing it and pulling it in weird ways . For homework they had to do draw a fish and use it to be the arrows for their points of something , the girls couldn 't explain the reasoning . I had Thai last and that was fun because I got to start to read . It was funny and I had a crowd around me bPosted by Well I 've been so busy I 'm writing this on a day late so I don 't remember everything . This is going to be a short piece because this is all I remember . I had Social Study first , after homeroom . Nothing exciting happened , it and economics class . After class the girls stopped a teacher and tried to convince him that their upcoming test should be open book . He left before they could convince him so a few of them chased after him while the rest of us went to music . Lucas has that class with me so I sat in back with him and we talked . They were giving presentations so there wasn 't much we could do . After class Boom talked to the teacher and he said that if we wanted to learn to play the instruments we could come in after school once a week and learn . Lucas has to check with his family as to what day works best , then we will begin . Third period I was supposed to have Thai but Gayoon said something about not being able to change my schedule without talking to her ( though I 'm not changing it , I 'm fixing it in places that it doesn 't work , it 's hard to explain I guess ) . I ended up sitting there and reading because Ti is too shy to do anything , again it 's complicated . Fourth period was supposed to be English but it got bumped for the day for another Social Study class . We got done early so we had no line for lunch and more food to choose from . After we finished eating we went to the Chinese room , it 's air conditioned , and Boom practiced her speech and I helped Mo write hers and then we listened to music . We had 6th period free instead of 8th for some reason . Seventh period was health . They watched a movie on drugs , I couldn 't watch because they kept injecting mice with things and I just couldn 't watch it so I read . I then went to the English corner not knowing whether I had math or Thai . Turned out I was supposed to have both . Michelle came over for math and Ti came over for Thai and Lucas came over to give me pics from Peach 's party . I had so many people who wanted me it was a mess . I worked it outPosted by Third period was English , so Mo and I talked and made the best of that boring class . I find it interesting how many mistakes are in the handouts the teachers give the students , and they never realize it . As boring as the class is , I learn some things because they translate a lot of the words as assignments and during class so I can sometimes pick up some words . Fourth period began with me talking to Michelle , the guy from the Netherlands . He scheduled me for two math classes a week and gave me an online website I need to work on , on nights he doesn 't give me homework . After I finished with him , I had my Thai lesson . I learned the remainder of the alphabet ( except vowels ) ! I now know all 44 letters ! I 'm so happy ; I 've been practicing them tonight and saying them over and over so that I can remember them for tomorrow . I have some tricks for a few of them , like one is Saw Cera which sounds close to Sarah , La Ling ( ling is monkey ) looks kind of like a monkey if you use your imagination , and some others . Ti always laughs when I tell her my tricks , but they work . My only thing about learning the letters is that they are affecting my English writing because some of them could be fancy ways of writing some of our letters , I don 't know if this is good or bad yet . After Thai I had lunch with the girls . For dessert we had fruit again . I had banana with syrup . After lunch was break , because the boys have military training after lunch on Tuesdays . We went and sat in the Chinese room and read and talked and did some work . Boom worked on her speech with the teacher ( she is giving a presentation for a competition in Chinese and Mo is doing one in English ) . At eighth period I got stuck talking to Lucas and never made it to Thai dance , not that I know where it exactly is . After school I played tennis with Meow and then we ran errands with her mom . I have now taken to going with my host mom rather than sitting in the car . I enjoy do the errands because you get to meet all sorts of people and they all are very nice . Today onPosted by Woke up and got ready on time this morning , but we left the house 15 minutes late . We arrived at school about 8 : 10 though because my host mom drove very fast . I went to the English Lab but barely had time to say hello to Lucas and Happy Birthday to Peach before it was time for Homeroom . Today in homeroom they turned in their progress reports , which are in folders and just sheets of paper . They talked a little and got some hand out and then we left for math . I don 't know what they are learning in math right now , but I know that because math is not their focus they are behind where I am so I just sit there and read or practice my letters . A good portion of the class was gone today I noticed ( like 10 of the 45 ) . I don 't know where everyone was , but them being gone didn 't make things any quieter . After math they stayed in the classroom to finish their homework , but we got kicked out by the next class so we went and sat outside the teacher 's office so they could finish and turn it in . After they turned in the homework it was almost time for English . Monday is the one day they have English with a foreign teacher . His name is Adrian and he is from Canada . He is very nice , but almost everyone thinks he is a bad teacher . He doesn 't always show up to class and when he does he doesn 't do a lot of teaching . Today they were learning the four types of sentences ( statement , command , question , exclamation ) and all he did was give examples and then hand out a work sheet . Most of the kids in my class don 't care to do the work so it takes them all period to do , but my group of friends finished it in less than 10 minutes . He came over and talked with us and was saying how nobody in the class liked to work except our group , but he didn 't do anything to make them work either . He said that he can 't even use the motivation of failing them to get them to do the work because Thailand has a no fail policy . He seems like a nice guy , but I can 't really say anything about his teaching yet since I 've only had him for two cPosted by So today was nothing exciting , but it wasn 't boring . I got and went on the computer . We ate leftovers for breakfast as usual . After breakfast I read until 12 : 30 and then showered ( if you wait till then you usually have water ) . After that I worked on my art homework and read some more . At 3 I decided to clean my room . I packed up the gifts into a box ( I hope the missing gifts fit into the little open space because I don 't want to have to use a bigger box ) . I swept the floor ( which I only get to do so often ) and collected enough hair to cover a small kids head , I 'm losing hair like crazy here ! I changed my sheets , for the second time since arriving here , and I cleaned up everything and made it look nice . After I finished , Meow , Mike , and I went and played tennis . I have tons of embarrassing photos to post when I get the chance . I was sweating so bad by the end , I was happy when they said it was time to go home . For dinner I had more of the balls of fish and some other fish thing and noodles ( same as lunch ) . After dinner I read some more and now I am on the computer . After I am done on the computer I am going to practice my Thai letters for tomorrow 's lesson and then go to bed . Some side notes : After Monday I won 't have internet except on weekends because the doctor told Mike he shouldn 't use so many screens because of his ADHD ( they decided to test him when they learned I had it and learned about it ) . My host mom said it would be easier for him if Meow and I had the same restraints . She said that I could have 30 minutes every night , but I feel that I should have the same as the other kids so I am not going to use the internet except on the weekend . On the weekend I have two hours . I will check my email at school , what that 's all until the weekends . I will have the computer for homework . So I have so many ant bites on my legs , that it looks like I have hives or something , it 's ridiculous . I probably killed 100 in my room while sweeping today , I didn 't leave any alive that I saw . They are crawling allPosted by Today ( actually yesterday but whatever ) I spent the day with Meow and her friends . I woke up at 7 and got ready . At 8 I came down and helped my host mom prepare breakfast . At 9 I went and waited for the car ( one of those with the back end open for passengers ) to come and pick us up . At 9 : 30 the car came and we headed to the school . At the school we met up with Cherry and Cherry 's boyfriend ( didn 't even know she had a boyfriend until Friday because they have to keep it a secret from their parents because they are allowed to date ) . We bought a few snacks from the 7 / 11 and then went to the mall to watch a movie . The movie they wanted to see was no longer in theatres and the other one wasn 't out yet . All the other movies were too late so we just walked around . We went up stairs to Big C and I bought some workout clothes ( figured I need some if Meow wants to keep working out ) . After that we went to Swenson 's and I got a Banana - Nana sundae with peanut butter and caramel praline ice cream . I finished my ice cream really fast so I had to wait for the others . After the ice cream we walked around and looked at cell phones because one of the girls wants a new one . The ones they were looking at were over $ 300 , but they said that was reasonable ! ( Apparently the iPhone cast over $ 1000 here ! ) Around 12 we headed back to the school . We ate lunch at this little place across from the school . I ate " American Fried Rice " but it wasn 't really American . It was rice with ketchup , raisins , baby corn , and peas . I got a piece of chicken and three mini hot dogs to go with the rice . While I was eating I watched golf , that 's what was on the TV , because no one talks to me ( I think that if I spend too much time with Meow and her friends I will lose my voice from lack of use ! ) . After we finished eating we went to the 7 / 11 again so they could get some snacks . We then went to the school ( across the street ) . There were so many people there , I was shocked ! None of the people that we were waiting for were there though ( at least I guesPosted by So today started out with me over sleeping . I turned off my alarm and fell back to sleep for 30 minutes , and only got up because my host mom knocked on my door . I wasn 't the only one who over slept though , both of the others over slept and ended up without breakfast . Breakfast was the leftover noodles from last night 's dinner . We quick hurried out the door and actually made it to school on time . I waited in the English room for an extra 20 minutes because assembly ran over , but then Sai came and got me . We didn 't have class this morning because there was no teacher ( it turns out it 's Chinese so I 'll have an extra free period there where I will do Thai with Ti ) . Since there was no teacher we went to the library . I sat with a group of girls from my class that I really don 't know , but they were nice and tried to help me learn some new things and to talk to me . Second period I had Art with Peach . They were handing in bird drawings , but I get an extra week since this was my first class . Next week we are going to learn to draw flowers . The teacher seems really nice and she tries to make sure I feel included and comfortable . Some of the kids in the class are really good at drawing , I am going to look so pathetic next to them , but I think it is going to be fun anyway . Third period I had social study with my class . We got out early so we went to lunch because they have a free period for meetings ( they have to have meetings once a month so they have to have a period set aside for them ) . For lunch I ate some spicy chicken and some vegetables with pork . For dessert I had the Thai dessert that I had the other day with the ice . After lunch we went up to our classroom for 6th period ( we ate 4th period ) and we sat and waited . I studied for most of the period , read for a short time ( like 3 pages ) and then helped Mo to color some things for math . When it came time for class we found out we had to move rooms . We had English 6th period which is really easy for Mo and I so we were talking . I guess we were talking kind of Posted by I don 't know how long this post is going to be because I was working on making flashcards and lost track of time so I lost 30 minutes of time . I 'm going to try and type fast and fit everything in , but we 'll see . Well since there isn 't a lot of time I will get started right away . Woke up this morning at around 5 because I was really , really hungry . I laid there and waited for my alarm to go off , unable to sleep from being too hungry . I got up and washed my face and brushed my teeth . I then headed back up stairs to put on my uniform . I then remembered I had gym today so had to switch outfits . Then we had breakfast . Breakfast was the left over fish balls from last night ( I don 't like fish balls they really taste like undercooked , fishy fish ) . I had some of the Cream of Wheat mom sent so I had something more in my system and a yogurt . After breakfast I finished packing my things and we left , only 5 minutes later than we wanted to . We stopped at some store or something for Mike and Meow and I waited in the car for like 20 minutes . After that we went to school , but we took the long way so we got there as the anthem was playing . I then went to the English Corner to wait for the girls to come and get me , not knowing that there was not assembly this morning . They came and got me before I had even settled in . We had homeroom this morning and they got a note about tuition ( I didn 't know they had to pay tuition until this morning ) . After that we went to Social Study . During Social Study and English I practiced my letters . I wrote each of the first twelve letters 81 times . Third period I sat in the English corner , then I was supposed to have English but the girls never came to get me so I continued to work on my letters until lunch . At lunch I had noodles , but I should have put in some of the chili flakes because it really didn 't have any taste . After lunch was gym . I HATE gym here too , but I did what I had to because I don 't want to have to take it at home . I had to do sit ups and pushups today . I got 25 sit Posted by Chan chue Ploy ka ! Alright so first I will start with the day and through that I will tell you what that means . I woke up this morning at 4 something and couldn 't fall back to sleep . I laid there and laid there and then my alarm went off at 6 and I was like " Ugh , I totally need to get some more sleep ! " I got up and got ready for the day as usual . At breakfast I talked with my family about my nickname . Ploy was the only one I could remember so that is the one I went with . We left for school at normal time and arrived there at normal time , but I didn 't go to school right away . I went to the doctor this morning . I have an infection of my baby toe . The hospital is so different here . First when you walk in you have to stop at this little stand and get a mask to cover your face so you can 't spread germs . Then you go to a counter and they take your hospital card . Since I didn 't have a card I had to fill out a form . It was funny to watch the lady behind the counter try and do the math to figure out when I was born . I eventually did the math for her , it was simpler . After that I went up stairs with my host mom to her office . I am now going to describe what the hospital looks like on the inside . It is white cement walls with hard plastic chairs in various places to sit . There are some doors here and there and then in the middle is some escalators to take you to the second floor . The floor is tile . The hospital is not warm and friendly like ours . They also don 't have many computers , most everything is paper . Now back to my experience . When the doctor was taking patients I went downstairs with my host mom . We got my little book and went to weigh me , I couldn 't avoid it . Then they took my blood pressure using one of those machines that are usually at the stores . I then had to go and sit with this nurse at a desk and she used this like laser thing to take my temperature ( it didn 't even have to touch me ) . She asked some basic questions like where the problem was and how long I 'd had it . I then went and sat by Posted by Alright well today was a little crazy , but good . I think though that I will start with last night . Logatone Festival : Yesterday was the official day of Logatone and there were only two places in all of Petchaburi province that had celebrations , Had Chao Samran and Cha - Am , so everyone close by came here . There were people everywhere , it was insane . There were some fireworks and tons of those balloon things . When we got to the beach you couldn 't find a place to sit . My host dad had gone early because he was judging the beauty contest . The rest of us went later . When we got there Mike kept wandering off and it got really annoying chasing after him because my host mom didn 't want to lose him . We got there and we watched a part of the beauty contest then we wandered around . Mike bought some fried bugs , apparently they are one of his favorite foods . I told them that I would try anything they wanted , but I drew the line at bugs ! I couldn 't believe he ate them all ! After a short time my host mom got tired so we went back to the house so she could change shoes and rest for a minute . We also grabbed our Godangs ( the flower and banana leaf things ) . When we went back to the beach we bought one of the balloons and then went to release it . Mike was in charge of lighting everything , but he wasn 't very good with the lighter and it was very windy so he continually burnt himself . We started by trying to light the Godangs , but they wouldn 't stay lit for more than a second or two in the wind . We eventually gave up on lighting them and Meow went and put hers in the ocean ; it didn 't go for than a few feet before currents brought it back to shore . Once she got back to where we were standing they decided to try to launch the balloon . It was so funny watching the two of them try ! They didn 't know what they were doing and they couldn 't get it to light and when they did Mike would burn himself and Meow would not be holding the top properly ( at one point she let go to answer her phone ) . Some stranger had to help them becausePosted by So I made it through the first day of this crazy week , and it wasn 't fantastic ! I had a great day . The beginning wasn 't so great ( getting out of bed is always the hardest part of the day ) . I got up 15 minutes late , someone was in the bathroom so I went back up stairs and then I was running even more behind . Last week I got scolded for wearing even a little make - up so this week I 'm not going to risk it ( maybe next week ) so that saved some time . I threw everything into my bag and went downstairs for breakfast . They were having eggs , but they had some garlic pork for me . As soon as we had finished eating we had to leave . My bag is so heavy , if I don 't get a backpack soon my left arm is going to fall off ! On the way to school there was a traffic jam so we took a 10 minute detour to get to school and ended up being 15 minutes late again ( just one day I 'd like to be there before the ceremony begins ) . By the time I sat down and had the computer turned on my friends were coming to get me for home room . Homeroom is very interesting . It is basically designed to check and make sure everyone is following the rules . The lady in charge first made all the girls put their hair down and get in line . She then ran her hands through their hair to make sure it was not layered and then she checked for signs of hair dye . After that they had to be checked for nail polish and nail length . There are only three boys in my class of 30 or 40 so they can get away with most anything . Once everyone passed or failed the check we left for math . I am doing an independent math so I truly don 't have to go but it was better than sitting in the English Corner plus then I got to spend free period with them . During Math some of the girls tried to talk to me but I couldn 't understand them and it was very frustrating . I understood some words but I couldn 't figure out what they meant . During free period they helped me by writing the Thai on my flashcards . I also learned their names . The girl who went to Texas is called Mo , then there is FernPosted by Wow it 's weird to type November into the date , it seems like 2009 just started and it 's already only two months from being 2010 , this year has gone by soooo fast ! Anyway , that has nothing to do with my blog , it 's just a random thought of mine ( I seem to have a lot of those today , like right now I 'm wondering where my pony went it was right next to me earlier today ) . I guess I will start with the festival from last night . It was nothing like I was expecting , not that I knew what to expect but still . It was basically some stands like at the markets , selling clothes and shoes and jewelry and then a whole bunch of tents with food like at the birthday party I went to for the police guy , except this time I had to pay . I got a strawberry smoothie , but it was really bitter and salty so I stopped drinking it after ¼ ( it was only like $ . 10 so it wasn 't a big deal ) . My host family bought a whole bunch of food , Thai love to eat ! They bought some mini crabs , some squid thing , some salad ( I didn 't like the dressing on it ) , some shell thing ( it was really chewy so I didn 't eat too many ) , and some noodles . There was a concert , some famous Thai singer ( I didn 't know them so you definitely wouldn 't ! ) and a whole bunch of screaming , drunk people . The ocean was a lit up so that was really pretty , but I couldn 't understand the concert and no one was talking so I was kind of bored and got really sleepy really fast . We returned home around 11 : 30 so by the time I showered , did devotion , and a little stretching I was so out of it I fell asleep before I could do any Thai flashcards . I really wish I had my hair tie , my neck is so sweaty it 's making my hair wet . I 'm going to go get my back up quick . Ok back . In that short journey I saw what my family is up to . Here is what everyone is doing : My host dad is getting dressed and preparing to head to the festival . Meow is doing homework and watching Celebrity Apprentice II ( I totally got both of those words spelled wrong , thank goodness for Word or no one would be able Posted by Happy Halloween everyone ! Hope you have an enjoyable day . My day was good , but uneventful so far . I woke up at 6 to go for our walk but no one was up so I went back to bed and slept on and off until 9 . I got up and went on the computer then I helped my host mom in the kitchen . She had me cut up a whole bunch of pork , I really hate cutting up huge chunks of meat ! ! ! While I was cutting we heard some drums and they kept getting louder so my host mom went to check what was going on . She came running back and told me to go out front to see . There was a parade going past our house to the beach for the festival ! For breakfast we had garlic pork and some beans in a really good sauce . After breakfast I read and watch ANTM and Vampire Diaries . I then went to turn on my iPod and it wouldn 't turn on so I went to charge it but it wouldn 't respond so I plugged it into my computer and it wouldn 't respond so I plugged it into the wall and decided that maybe it just needed some time ! It 's been plugged in for 8 hours and it 's still not responding , I guess that is going in the package for home to so mom can take it to BestBuy and they can mess with it ! At 2 we had lunch which was so fish , pork , and noodles . At 5 Meow , Mike , my host dad , and I went and played some tennis . It was fun , I got some really funny pictures ! After tennis we came back and I read while I waited for dinner . For dinner I had the leftovers from lunch . They gave me some Thai melon and a sweet sauce and I told Meow that if I didn 't like it that she was going to eat it , she said she 's never tried it and she doesn 't want to because it doesn 't look good ( I don 't know how she is going to survive next year , she is like a 1000 times worse than me ! ! ! ) . I liked the melon and sweet sauce so it didn 't matter . After dinner I read for 30 minutes and now I 'm on the computer . At 9 : 30 we are going to the festival . Festivals are held at night here because it 's a lot cooler . I don 't know what it 's going to be like but I 'm excited ! It is tonight , tomorPosted by Today was pretty fun . I woke up at 5 something but went back to sleep . My alarm went off at 6 but I didn 't get up until 6 : 30 so I was running behind . I had no clean uniform so I had to wait for the laundry until 7 : 10 quick change and pack everything up and eat . I was eating 10 minutes before we walked out the door , but I wasn 't the only one behind , Meow and Mike couldn 't get out of bed this morning either . We left the house almost 10 minutes late and we had to stop at the store to get a Thai flute for Mike ( which he played on the way to school , most annoying ) . We were 15 minutes ( almost 20 ) late for the ceremony so Meow and Mike had to fill out some form for the school . I went to the English Corner . I didn 't do anything first period because the class had a test , so I sat in the English Corner and read . They were running on a special time schedule today so I ended up being late for my second period . I had to perform a play , I was the narrator actually , for my English class ( this was the last time I was going to be in that class because next week my classes change ) . As soon as the play was done I had to rush back to the English Corner because I was leaving . Today I went with a group of volunteer students from New Zealand , Germany , and Finland as well as some former exchange students from my school ( like Boom ) . We went to a bakery and got to make some desserts , and eat some ! I talked with the boy from New Zealand , he was really nice . After we finished baking and eating we went for lunch . We ate Pad Thai for lunch . While we were waiting for the others to finish they taught me this song for the parts of the face . After we finished we went back to school where I had to wait for Gayoon to unlock her office where my things were so I didn 't go to class . At 7th period I went to Social Studies with Peach , but they were doing some newspaper things so I read . At the end of the class I talked with Peach and she agreed to help teach me to read and write . After Social Study I had Thai with Pa Taw . She talked with me abPosted by |
Henry finished his story . It was a short little piece , a story about a murder . Dark , even darker than the ones he used to write . He went out to get another drink . He heard a loud noise from his office . He was a big guy , and quite a fighter . He brought the bottle in one hand just in case . In the other he brought his glass . He went in to have a look . The room had changed . It was over grown with vegetation . A tree seemed to have grown it 's way into the room from outside . Huge roots came in from the torn down wall . Green leaves of different kinds . Flowers . Butterflies and other insects flying in the air . On the other side he saw a garden . Green and beautiful . He lived in the centre of the city , all cars and pavement . Until now . He walked in , looking around at the plants . A squirrel could be seen in the tree tops . The forest was like a wild growing garden , just like the one he had been writing about . He moved further in . He walked for a long time , the trees got bigger , the plants greener , the flowers more and more colourful . She was sitting on a sling chair in the garden . She was as gorgeous as her voice . Familiar , like an echo from a dreams , or a distant memory . Beauty . He just stood there , perplex . Then he remembered . She 's about to die . Murdered for her perfection . He ran towards her . She looked at him , coming out of the bushes . Her expression was surprised , a bit confused . Then it turned into fear . Come ! He shouted . Come with me ! We have to get out of here ! The alcohol made his voice loud , his movements hash and sudden . She starts running . The sky was dark now . The beautiful sunlight coming through the leaves high in the trees was gone . Flashes . Thunder . Rain . She ran into the dark bushes , where her death awaited . It was all his fault . Why did he write this story so dark , so sad , so evil ? He runs after her . She screams for help . No ! Stop ! He shouts . He hears laughter in the darkness . His own voice . He catches her . She falls . She tries to get away , but he needs to stop her , save her . She breaks free . She falls . Her head hits a rock in the small river . She was dead . He 'd killed her . Again . The monster of his story . It was him . He held the dead body in his arms , his tears mixing with the rain , as the blood from her head . He was back in his office , sitting on his chair . The big tree invading the room was gone . The garden was gone . He looked at the sheet on the table . The murder . He ripped it to pieces and poured himself another whiskey . He didn 't want to write any more today . He just wanted to get drunk . Pedro and Lola hid in a cave far into the woods . They had brought Pedro 's hunting rifle , his father 's shotgun , ammunition and some food . Not much more . They knew about this cave from before . It was an old abandoned gypsy cave , quite a cosy place under other circumstances . A wooden door in the entrance , and a small window in the earth wall . Five men came . Two of them had uniforms of the Guardia Civil , the other three seemed to be peasants . They were looking for Pedro and Lola . They were moving up towards the cave , slowly , from tree to tree , from rock to rock . They seemed to know where they were hiding . Lola fired . Hit one of them in the shoulder . The ones still able to fight started shooting , retreating down the way they came from . Pedro could see them moving further down . They seemed to be heading back to town . Pedro and Lola needed to get out of there fast , they would be back . They got out and ran further into the forest behind the cave . They kept walking up towards the mountains . That night they slept outside . They had left the food in the cave , and they did not dare to light a fire . They were cold and hungry . Early in the morning Lola woke up to the sound of Pedro 's voice . From the depths of her dreams , reality slowly came back . A horrible reality she didn 't want . The dogs were coming closer . They could see them . Behind them they heard men shouting . Pedro and Lola started running . It was difficult in this rough terrain . Spines and branches cut their legs and arms . The dogs were right behind them . Out of the bushes a rabbit appeared . It ran just in front of the dogs , teasing them . Then it ran off down a dry river lair . The dogs followed . Pedro and Lola climbed up the hill , hid i the bushes . They could see the dogs far below . They were following a deer now , and the men were following the dogs . The rabbit could no longer be seen . Downwards it was easier , but they were even more visible . All night they walked . In the early morning a man appeared . He had a gun in his hands . For a moment they all froze . Lola held her hand tight around her weapon . The man signalled them to follow him . They looked terrible , their clothes were torn . Cuts everywhere . The man knew why they were there , and wanted to help them . Pedro turned around , looked towards where they had been coming from , as to make sure no one was following . He saw a little man sitting on a stone . A little man with a green hat on his head . The little duende waved , laughing , and jumped down behind the rocks . Image Source : http : / / bit . ly / 2rE1E0M Finn Dreyer was a shoemaker who didn 't really like shoes very much . No , he didn 't like them at all . Every day he would rise early in the morning , walk across town through the slushy snow to his master 's workshop , and spend hour after hour , day after day , year after year , making shoes . It turned out to be señoritos , rich land owners , who had killed them . They stopped by later that day , making a lot of threats , but no one could do anything . The killings continued . Every morning they found new bodies . A bit confused Pedro looked around the barn . No milk anywhere , but the goat was empty . And there couldn 't have been anyone here . Could there ? Every morning someone was found dead . The rich men from the city had said they would kill everyone who had voted against the old system . Pedro knew he was in danger . Life went on , though . They never went anywhere in the night time , but he was worried of who had stolen the milk . The revolutionaries would not steal from him , he knew that . They were occupied taking down the ones in power . This morning things seemed to be back to normal . He was going down to meet his cousin and some friends to talk about the situation . They couldn 't let people keep disappearing . He went to milk the goat before he left , and was picking up some utensils when he heard something behind him . He turned around . He was astonished . He had never really believed in the gnomes , but there it was . The same little creature he 'd seen the other day . It was real . Hey stop that ! What do you think you 're … The little gnome came running towards him . Kicked him in the leg . Why you little … Now he was getting angry . He tried to kick it , but he missed . He tried again . The little soul less gnome was too fast . It picked up a log from the floor . Hit him in the ass with it . Pedro was really pissed now . He grabbed a long stick meant to be the handle for a broom . Now you 've done it , he said , hitting for the little man . Missing . All the time . The duende , on the other hand got it quite a few punches . After a long fight he was lying on the floor , exhausted . The little man was sitting on the bench laughing . Pedro was defeated He got up , limped out of the barn . He walked down towards town . He saw a large group of people further down . They were talking , shouting . People were running up and down the slope . Pedro walked over , slowly , his whole body was hurting . There were three bodies on the ground . One of them was his cousin . If it wasn 't for the fight with the little man , Pedro would have been one of them . Pedro opened the door and went out to the barn . He had his goat inside now that winter was coming . He milked it , as he always did , and went back into the house . His father was sitting in front of the fire place , and his mother was in the kitchen . He went into the living room to his father . He was sitting reading a book . He was always reading when he wasn 't working . Pedro sat down on the old bench beside him . Lola was a peasant 's daughter , from a village nearby . She and Pedro met on a village party , she was there with her cousin . She was the most beautiful thing Pedro had ever seen . Less than a year after they got married . The next years old landlords were loosing land to the poor peasants . People were less hungry each day . It was a time of hope , but there was also violence . One day Pedro went out to the barn , as he used to . There was a full bucket of milk under the goat . It had had milked itself . Yes , all by itself . A creature was watching him from a pole in the ceiling . A little man , with pointy ears and a little green hat on his head . Pedro lifted his head . For a moment their eyes met . The little man seemed to be laughing . He turned into a bird and flew out of a hole in the wall . A boy and a girl are running through the forest . Down a slope , looking back as if someone is after them . She stumbles , he stops and runs back for her . He takes her hand , about to pull her up . Then they burst into laughter . They had been on a boat trip and disembarked on an island . They had come across a large apple grove by a house in the woods . Bountiful apples , tempting as hell . They jumped over the fence and helped themselves greedily . Then they had heard : Who 's there ? An angry voice . They had ran . Ole got Tina on her feet . They ran down to the boat and cast off . He started the engine and they set off away from the island full speed . They looked at each other and burst out laughing again . Mr Arnaldo owned a travelling show with five attractions . The bearded woman , the man with the giant foot . the monkey boy and the man with eleven fingers . They were not the interesting part . They had something new now . Something horrible . The other monsters were humans . There wasn 't really any doubt about it . But the fifth one was … different . It was humanoid , but only to some extent . There was something to it . Behind it 's eyes . In the shadows that surrounded it . They hadn 't let it out of the cage . The bearded woman was Mr Arnaldo 's wife , and she wasn 't really bearded . He let his beard grow , they cut it , and glued it to her face . The monkey boy , on the other hand , was real . Well , he wasn 't a monkey boy , of course , but he was very hairy . They had bought him from his parents a couple of years ago , they were happy to get rid of him . Shameful , they had been . So now he was travelling with them . He didn 't like the shows much , but he was OK the rest of the time . They didn 't give him food and roof for charity , either . The man with the giant foot and the other with eleven fingers was just that , a man with a giant foot and one with eleven fingers . He 'd given them a job , that 's all . They weren 't really that interesting though , the monkey boy and his bearded wife pulled in more costumers . He didn 't pay them much anyway , it 's not like they could find anything else . Ever since the two headed girl died , things had been going slow . The others simply weren 't enough two pull the business . That 's when they 'd found the creature . It was perfect . It was like a human , somehow , but there were shadows moving around it . It 's red , glowing eyes gave it 's intense stare an evil , dark and horrible depth never before seen . They were going to be famous . Now , ladies and gentlemen , it 's time for the great attraction ! You think what you seen until now is disgusting ? You think they are horrendous monsters ? Behold , a creature from the darker depths of dungeon dimensions . A demon of horrible hells . The horrible ! The Dark ! The Evil ! Rangooooorrrr ! He pulled the cloth off . Inside they saw something moving . Something dark , as if it was inside a shadow , darkness moving around though light should enter . It was moving around , as in fear . Fear of the light . Fear of the people . They could catch a glimpse of a face . A horrible , evil face . A sigh of astonishment went through the crowd . Amazing … Horrendous … . It 's a devil … They whispered , they were to shocked to shout . Then someone started applauding . Everyone soon followed . Loud shouts . Mr Arnaldo was bowing to the applause . People stopped clapping . He looked at them . At their faces . Some looked scared . Others amazed , as if they were waiting for the next great part of the show . They were not looking at him . They were looking behind him . He turned slowly around . The dark creature was no longer inside the cage . It was standing behind him . He screamed . The crowd suddenly understood this was not part of the show . Panic broke out in the crowd . People started running away , but the creature suddenly was everywhere . It started killing . People were ripped to pieces by the dark shadows moving around them outside of time . A bloodbath . The creature lifted him up . Laughing . He screamed as his body slowly dissolved into little , dark flying creeps , disappearing in the air as the flew away . Clang ! The sound reverberated throughout the hall as Faith made her way down the ladder . Her metal foot was slippery on the iron rungs . She resisted the temptation to point her toe as she descended ; she physically couldn 't and the effort caused her calf to cramp above the prosthetic . The sound was a reproach . Before , in the other life , she would have reveled in the acrobatic opportunities of the ladder , trying tricks like reaching her legs into the splits while she hung suspended from her trustworthy hands . She would have gloried in her strength and her fearlessness , entertaining herself on this long climb down . Now she had a syncopated reminder to stick to the route , no deviations . At the bottom she spotted the plinth right away . She walked to it , carriage proud in spite of the limp . She placed her hands on the indentations on the side of the pedestal … His brain didn 't work the way it should . It was … Diffuse . Strange . Like if there was some kind of fog , some kind of … death . He felt nothing . He wasn 't sure if he was even alive . He arrived between the houses . People were walking by , some saluted . Others ignored him . He didn 't understand . He didn 't care . They were things , moving , walking . Martin saw a strange man walking down the street . He jumped aside , as the other almost bumped into him . Hey , Jones ! I didn 't recognise you . Jones the gravedigger just passed by , like he didn 't even see him . He walked strangely . He must be drunk , said Martin when he was a bit down the road . So unlike him . He came to a house . It looked familiar , somehow . What was that , deep inside him ? Feelings ? Memories ? He needed to feel something . He needed to remember . Something to show him he existed , that he was alive . Something real . He entered . His shady eyesight made it hard to see . Some sound from within the house , from the next room . It was hard to tell what it was , his ears were full of noise , a background noise without meaning . Or was it his brain ? He tried to think about it , but his thoughts were slow , too slow . They didn 't make sense . Darcy came walking into the hallway . He was standing there , looking at her . She used to be his wife , but he could not really remember . She looked at him . What 's wrong , darling … ? She said . He said nothing . The expression on his face was … . Strange . Dead , somehow . Empty . Scary . What 's that you have on your head ? There were cables and metal tubes sticking out on one side . He caught her . Held her down . She tried to fight him , but he was too strong . He needed to feel something . Anything . He bit her . Bit her in the face . She screamed even harder . Started hitting him . He could feel the punches . A little bit . Not pain . Not even molest . Just the recognition of something hitting his skin . It felt good . Alive . Real . He started hitting her back . In the face . Again and again . He felt something . A strange pleasure of violence . Some of the life he vaguely remembered was still in him . She didn 't move any more . He punched her face a while longer . It wasn 't the same when she didn 't move . He started biting her head . Martin came running in the open door . He 'd heard the noise , and came to see what was happening . Darcy ! Is everything … He stopped . Her husband was lying over her . Chewing on her . He backed out . Help ! Help , someone ! The creature got up on his feet . Walked towards the noise . Out the door . Martin ran away , screaming . The other villagers came out of their houses . He looked at them . Their weapons . They were after him . They wanted to hurt him . Fear ? Maybe . Something strange deep underneath the clouds in his mind . Fear . Danger . He turned , ran . Down the slope , over the fields , into the forest . The farmers came running after him . Shouting . Dogs barking . A dog reached , him , barking around his legs . A small one . He tried to kick it , but it was difficult when he was running . Another dog , a big one , came . Bit his leg . He fell . Two others started biting his arms . Fear . Definitely fear . A farmer arrived , stabbed him with a trident . Another hit his head with a big pickaxe . Pain . He was alive . He was beyond doubt alive . Freakinstone was a scientist , and he was crazy . Good old spickedly mad , as they said in the village . After the great destruction , science was still evolving , but at a personal level , like in the old days . He had learned from his father , and he had access to a lot of old technology from the great metal disposal area close to his old castle . He 'd started out with a beetle . Insects were easier , their cells seemed to regenerate faster , and there were more cells that were expendable . The battery assured energy . He pushed the little button . It didn 't move , just lay there . He had to have done something wrong . Somewhere in his calculations there had to be some kind of failure . He picked up his papers when he saw a movement in the corner of his eye . He stopped . Stared . Did the little creep move a leg ? He had moved on to small reptiles , lizards . They moved around , but were quite clumsy and stupid . He had some control over them as well . The first mouse was a great breakthrough . He needed them fresh , so he killed them himself when the electronics were already attached . They moved around more freely , and even though he had his remote they were harder to control than the reptiles , and much harder than the insects . They had more will somehow , if such thing even existed . He needed to complete his work . He needed a human . A human for him to control . It would be very practical to have someone to do all the work around here , so he could focus a hundred percent on his science . He dug up a body from the graveyard . A child , easier to carry . Several nights light could be seen in the tower of his castle . He worked without stopping until it was ready . He turned it on . It started moving a little . Ghhehehehennnsnsnam … . A strange gurgling sound came from the recently revived child . It sounded like it was in pain . Horrible pain . It didn 't move . No eye contact . Some shaking was all the movement he could see . This was no human . It was a vegetable . He turned it off , disappointed . Ah , Freakinstone ! Said the gravedigger . Nice to see you . Could you believe someone dug up a dead body the other day ? It was the Jeff and Alice 's kid , who died from a heart failure . Some people are just crazy , aren 't they ? They … What 's up ? You look strange … What are you doing with that kn … nooo ! Aaaahhh ! ! Help me ! ! ! Ahghhh ! Freakinstone turned the gravedigger 's carriage , poured out the dirt to empty it . He got the dead body into it , and hurried up to his old castle . He had to get started fast , before the body started to rot . Hello ! He said . I eh … You had an … accident ! That 's it , an accident . Now you need to rest . No . No - no - no ! You need to stay down and rest ! The gravedigger grabbed him by the throat . Lifted him up . Lay him down on the same bench he had been lying on himself . Choked him to death . He stood there for a moment . His eyes were blurry , like if the room was full of smoke . Or was it his brain ? He didn 't know . He couldn 't think straight . He felt nothing . Knew nothing . Or at least not much . Some blurry memories , but he wasn 't sure what they was . He wasn 't even sure if he was dead or alive . The old tree was standing on a hill . The wind went through it 's leaves , the birds jumped around on it 's branches , there were insects piercing into it 's trunk . It didn 't care . It was just the way things were . It had water . Earth . Sun . It was all it ever needed . On the hill it had been standing all it 's life , as natural was . It was part of the hill , and almost as big under ground as over ground . Under ground sometimes a little creature touched it 's roots . Sometimes some worm dug into them . It didn 't care . It was all part of being a tree . Today a man came along . He was measuring it 's trunk . Looking at it . He even made a cross in it 's skin . It didn 't hurt . Things didn 't really hurt when you 're a tree . It was good being a tree . The next day the man came back . He cut the tree down . It didn 't really hurt either , but it was not good . It was not good at all . When the man pulled up the root , cut it into pieces and carried it all away , the tree 's life was over for ever . Stop the thief ! Stop the thief ! Ragon reacted fast . He lifted his spear , jumped over the wagon between him and the market stairs . In mid air he stabbed the thief in the throat . She fell dead to the ground . Ragon was a soldier . He protected law and order in the city . His job was mostly to kill people . People who murdered or raped . People who stole . People who kissed in public . Sometimes he did a mistake , but that was just the way things were , the way they had always been . No one questioned it . No one objected . Marakara came running . Thank you soldier , he said . Thank you ! He got the apples out of the dead thief 's hand . He could have bought new apples and it was uncomfortable to see the dead body on the ground , but the law was the law . Things were as they always had been . There was no other way . He never questioned it . He never objected . One day a stranger came to town . A man from rocky mountains far away . His name was Tornag . He questioned . He spoke with words put together in ways no one had ever heard . Arguments no one could deny . Reason . People listened , started questioning themselves . Soon they objected . It got quite boring after a while , hanging around all these mirrors , waiting for someone to call . This afterlife business wasn 't all it was cracked up to be , that was for sure . She sometimes wondered if death - the other side , Elysium , beyond the veil , heaven , hell , purgatory , the underworld , whatever - was like this for everyone . But that couldn 't be - after all , in all these years she 'd spent running from mirror to mirror whenever she was summoned , she 'd never run into anyone else . The first time she heard her name , she 'd thought it was him , the last voice she 'd ever heard . She went running , hoping that it was , so that she could have her revenge . It wasn 't him , though - it was some total strangers , people she didn 't know and had never seen before . I stood there , waiting for his move . Trying to look as defenceless as I could , so he would underestimate me when he decided to kill me . One of us was going to die tonight . It wasn 't going to be me . No answer . He was just looking at me , as if he wanted it . Maybe that was it . Maybe he wanted me to put him out of his misery . It bothered me . Not much punishment in that . I preferred the ones who begged for mercy . At least I was going to make it painful . I needed to get out of there . The cops could be there any moment . Some neighbour might have heard the noise , though it probably was quite usual in this neighbourhood . This would be hard to explain . I turned around , took one last look at the macabre symbol on the wall . The face of the little girl was smiling as well . There was a strange glow from it . I got out of there fast . Running down the road I felt different . Like I had changed somehow . I still had the same urge for justice , the same urge for avenging anything wrong in this world . I still felt like the good guy of justice I always had considered myself , but I saw things differently now . |
Quick hello from Florida . We had the " hula " birthday party at the country club pool . 14 7 year old girls . Talk about high pitched screams and crying spells . What a hoot ! It was a huge success . Off to the beach tomorrow and Monday . Lots to do with the three little girls and it is so good to hang out with my best friend . We are so lucky that her husband is tolerant of my moving in for a week . More when I get home , complete with pics . I wanted to share with you the " fruits of our labor " . The yard is looking good and all of Cowboy 's hard work is looking excellent . Cowboy says he does the framing and I do the decorating . When I brought home all the flowers , he ranted on and on about them . Now he waters them and treats them with lots of TLC . He is obsessed with keeping the yard looking top notch . I must admit he does an outstanding job . Our yard has never looked better according to our neighbors . We get lots of comments from the neighbors which just boost Cowboy 's already overinflated ego . Tomorrow , I fly out to Florida . I 'm going to the twins 7th birthday party and my God - daughters fourth birthday party . I have a hula skirt and lei waiting for me . I 've very excited . We have to leave at 4 : 30a for the airport . Cowboy decided not to go . He said he wanted to wait and go on vacation together , most likely in March . ( A vacation to get married , maybe ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ) We were hanging out around the house and Cowboy started talking about pooping . I know , I know , why would you talk about pooping . I swear , he is obsessed with pooping . He is a regular pooper . I guarenteee that the minute I leave the house for the day , he is sitting on the pot " taking a dump " . If he doesn 't get time to " download " , he just isn 't right the whole day . Not only is he obsessed about his own poop , he wants to know if I have " dropped a load " on any given day . He thinks I have poop problems because you can 't set a watch by my pooping . Today , he said he thought my " turd cutter " wasn 't working . What ? Turd Cutter ? Isn 't he a dandy . Just a quick update , the ointment for the eyes allowed me to sleep well for the first time in a while . I 'm convinced that it 's going to work . Just 2 months and 29 days to go . Once again , we went golfing . Probably not the smartest thing to do since I can only partially see . Cowboy is my challenge . I think that as long as we are together and are playing golf , he will be my challenge . Tonight , it wasn 't about his golf or his swing or even anything about him . Tonight it was about how slow the people were in front of us or how backed up we were going to be . I , on the other hand , can be way more patient . I can wait and take our time an just enjoy the event and not the competitiveness of the game . It started on hole one when he wanted to start on 10 , so for the first 6 holes that 's all he talked about . Finally , we skipped ahead and played 11 and were going to come back and play 7 later . Still not good enough when we caught up with someone . Dear God , Grant him patience . Grant him lots of patience and grant it to him quick or I 'm selling my golf clubs ! ! ! You may be tired of hearing about my eye drama but if you chose to continue to read you will get one more dose of eye drama . Since my eye surgery , my eyes have been dry . I use drops and my doctor suggested gel drops at night when the dryness seems to be at its worst . So that 's what I 've been doing . Yesterday was a particularly dry eye day . This is incredibly frustrating to me but I try not to complain and just deal with it . This morning around 6a , Sadie woke up and started barking . She scared me to death but the worst part was that I woke up suddenly and opened my eyes . Just that simple action , felt like someone had taken a razor and shaved off my eyeball . The pain was intense . I couldn 't open my eye and yet having it closed hurt . I couldn 't cry and couldn 't scream . I just kept saying over and over , it hurts , it hurts . Imagine someone taking their fingernail and scrapping your eye times 10 . I kept trying to convince myself that I was okay but I wasn 't . I was finally able to navigate enough to take a shower . However , during the shower I made my next mistake and rubbed my eyes . Holy shit ! ! ! Not only does my eye hurt but I can 't see out of it . I just went thru a lot with my eye surgery and can 't see . By now , I 'm totally freaked out . I called the eye doctor and they were able to get me in - - so instead of heading to work , I went straight to the eye doctor . Driving was the next challenge . My eye was very sensitive to light so not only is my vision blurry , it 's watering like you would not believe . I hate going to the doctors because my fear is that the doctor will say nothing is wrong and you are just being wimpy about this . My first clue that that would not be the case today was when the tech asked me to read the eye chart and I couldn 't see any letter until the 20 / 200 letters came up . A big blurry C and D . Not good . The doctor came in and checked my eye out . Same drill that I have been going thru for the past 6 weeks . He finally said , my eye looked like I described . The top layer of the cornea peeled off . He said it was " Posted by I think we will all have those moments when we realize that our parents are getting older and more venerable . I have had a few of those with my mother but I had another one today . Mom got into some traffic when she was driving up yesterday and was a little frazzled when she got here . She made several comments about it but seemed to calm down after an hour or so . Today , she started talking about the traffic again . She then jokingly stated that she would pay me $ 100 dollars to drive her to the south part of the city so she didn 't have to drive in the traffic . We just laughed about it . She then started to get an upset stomach . ( Very common for her when she is nervous ) . As the day went on , Mom seemed to get more and more sick to her stomach . I suggested an alternate route . She seemed to settle on taking that road home . Mom seemed to just be hanging out , which was very fine , but it was more of a hesitation about leaving . She finally said that she was going home and at the same time , got sick to her stomach . She came into the living room , sat down , and said she felt silly for being so worried about driving home . I asked her if she wanted me to drive her , she said she would be fine and then started crying . I asked again and she said she wanted me to drive her . We did and she felt better and made it home okay . It was a realization that mom 's confidence in driving in the city is very shaken and she most likely won 't be able to come up again on her own . The mom 's have arrived . I spent the afternoon with my mom at the furniture store shopping for new furniture for her and Cowboy spent took his mom to the casino . Mom and I caught up with them there . Mom loved the penny machine because it seemed to have more bells going off more often . I really liked the blackjack table today . I ended up with enough money to buy dinner for all of us . I have typically been a loser at the table every time that I have gambled lately . I 'm pretty excited about today . He thinks he 's my boss . Cowboy is standing over me right now telling me that I need to get off my new computer . My mom told me reply . . . " Who died and made you boss ! " Cowboy didn 't think that was so funny . He quickly informed me that he is the boss around the house . At least , I let him think that . . . . we all know who the real boss is . I went out to dinner with my friend , Dr . T . I haven 't seen her for awhile and it was good to have dinner and hang out . It 's amazing how time goes by and you don 't see your friends like you should . I 'm glad we made time to see each other and catch up . Dr . T . you can read my blog but you have to call me ! ! Thanks for making time tonight . Today has been a long day . Work doesn 't often take me out of town but today it did . We had a meeting this afternoon and a meeting in the morning about three hours away . So we are in a hotel tonight . The meeting today consisted of a training , which was so amazingly boring I thought I would have to jump up and take ahold of the lady doing the presentation and strangle her . Better yet , do something to take me out of my misery . OMG , it was so bad . Cowboy has called already . He sure misses me when I 'm gone . Has to have blow by blow of the days activities . He won 't come right out and say it , unless it 's close to bed time and I catch him at a weak moment . Had to have a small chuckle last night . There was an article on the net talking about how men and women communicate differently . The article stated that often men don 't say I 'm sorry they just go about trying to make it better by taking you out to eat or washing your car . I guess that Cowboy has been saying I 'm sorry all week for his childish behavior this weekend . I had to show him the article . . . his comment , are you trying to say something . . . yeah , babe - - you can 't say I 'm sorry or I 'm wrong . . . try it , it will say you some money . Does it ever seem like life is just speeding by ? I want it to slow down . I 'm beginning to think there is only 20 hours in a day and 6 days in a week . Where is the time going ? It seems like only yesterday that Cowboy and I had met . I 'm sure it was just last week that we started living together . Work goes by in a blur . How do you make it stop ? Can we ever make it just slow down ? I 've tried really hard to simplify my life but it seems that there is always something going on and more to do . Back when I was single , I would wish for something to do . I could go a whole weekend and not talk to anyone or see anyone . My BF would complain about not having any time to herself and I would complain about not having anything to do . When I was younger , I would wish for time to speed up . I couldn 't wait for school , Chrismas break , summer vacation . Isn 't it funny how things change as we get older . Has anyone found the secret to making time slow down ? ? ? So tonight Cowboy decided that he needed to redeem himself . He suggested that we go to the golf course after work . Call me a glutton for punishment . Call me crazy . I went . There is a short golf course that you have to walk and it 's fun to play if you have the right attitude . So we got there and started on number 10 - - number 1 was a little backed up . To my surprise , it was a very good night . Mr . " I need Anger Management " was Mr . " I 'm really fun to play with " . Cowboy was great . He played well and I played fairly well . It was really a fun night . He even agreed that it was fun . I told him that this was the Cowboy that I loved . He reminded me that I love him all the time . I let him know he was probably right but I sure didn 't like him sometimes . He did another really nice thing tonight . His " mom " is coming up this weekend so he called my mom and invited her up also . My mom was thrilled and thought it was so awesome that he called her . I don 't think I can describe how much that meant to her . My mom has been a little jealous of Cowboy being in my life . She had me as a single woman for 40 years so when he came along things changed for her . She has to share me , not an easy task for her . He earned huge brownie points today . I like days like today . On a side note , I got my wireless connection all set up tonight . No more arguing over who needs the computer . I couldn 't seem to take a good picture . We have been staying up late and getting up early and I look tired so here the best that I have . My hair seems really short but what can I expect after losing 8 inches . I love my new " do " and got tons of compliments on my hair . I can 't believe that I don 't take the time keep it up and try to look a little more stylish . I keep saying that I 'll do better but I don 't . Maybe this time I will . Why can 't men just say I 'm sorry ? Why can 't my man say he 's sorry ? Instead , he 'll take something that I say . . . like BBQ sounds good ( I said that 2 days ago ) . . . and he 'll do that for me . We had a couple of spats this weekend and I come home tonight and he decided to go out for a ride in the convertible and BBQ . An " I 'm sorry " would have been good enough . I don 't think he likes to admit that he wrong , as least he does it in his own way . I have a new laptop ! Who knows what I 'm doing but I found a wireless connection and got on the internet . Oh boy , do I think I 'm big time now . No more fighting with Cowboy over who gets to use the computer . I think I 'm really going to like this . Now I just have to figure out how to use the darn thing . . . . I did it . . . 8 inches off the head . Short hair with blond and red highlights . I 'll post pictures soon . Finally after about 4 weeks of something going on during the weekend , we are finally home for the whole weekend . So we packed it full . We had a hind quarter of deer in the freezer so last night we grinded it all up and made summer sausage and jalapeno sausage . I 'll let you know how it turns out . Then it was off to the gym . This morning , we were up early to go to garage sales , then running errands , and out on the golf course by 2p . Tonight it was watering the flowers , grilling dinner and doing laundry . Tomorrow , I 'm finally cutting my hair short and looking for a new laptop . So much for a relaxing weekend . So we had more drama on the golf course . I set up our tee times as a surprise for Cowboy . We went to a new course for me . He has played there several times and likes it so I thought we would try it today . We were paired with a couple of guys . They were pretty nerdy and a couple of so - so golfers . Play was slow . Cowboy started getting irritated and became a very unsportsman golfer . He is not a professional . He is not Tiger Woods . He will never make the PGA . But if he isn 't playing like he is a par golfer ( which he is not ) , he gets pissy . He has been playing with the neighbor who is his " anger management " coach . We decided that he is most comfortable with me so he thinks it 's okay to be " nasty " . I told him that he needs to do something different because I was tired of it and it wasn 't fun for me when he was like that . I reminded him that I don 't get to play more than on weekends and when I play , it 's about being thankful that I 'm not at work and that it 's a beautiful day to play . He needs to change . . . I 'll keep reminding him of that . I have finally decided to cut my hair short . I don 't pay attention to my hair . It 's naturally curly and I can get by with not doing much to it . However , this time I have let this go on to long . I haven 't had a hair cut for over a year . I 'll let you know how it turns out . I am one tired girl ! I had to work from 8 : 30a to 9p Wednesday and Thursday night . That made for a long week . It was really fine because much of it was spent with clients , something that I don 't get to do often enough . However , I promised Caroline that I would do this last night so better late than never : 7 things I plan to do before I die : - become a mom - get married - travel to Europe - score under 90 on the golf course - go to Australia - live in the country with Cowboy - buy a Winnebago and travel the USA 7 things I can do - smoke the golf ball down the fairway - sew ( almost anything without a pattern ) - drive a tractor to disc a field - hang ceiling fans and install a thermostat - refinish furniture - change a tire - clean out a hog house 7 things I can 't do - be a girly girl and wear high heal shoes all day - run fast - do anything mechanical with my car - understand Cowboy when he talks about cars - belch on command - do anything in public that you aren 't supposed to do - back a trailer 7 things that attract me to the opposite sex - muscles - short hair - height - smiles - nice teeth - sense of humor - ass 7 things I say most often - Oh my - whatever - really - - - - 7 Celebrity Crushes - George Clooney - Toby Keith - Tim McGraw - - - - 7 people who need to do this - everyone who hasn 't ( it 's tougher than you think ) I 'm not sure my brain is working . I 'm trying to do this and watch the Olympics . I 'll have to come back to it . I consider Dec ' 05 to be the time that we got together for the final time . It was really hard at first . He had a life to end in another state . He was giving up a home that he loved and 4 girls that he was close to . He had cashed in some of his 401k to buy his dream house on 17 acres in the mountains - - lots of fishing and hunting . I wanted all of him but he needed to get out of his relationship , commitments , etc . I couldn 't call him or contact him so I had to learn a lot of patience . We saw each other about once a month and talked when he could use a pay phone and a phone card . It was really hard on our relationship but at the same time , we had to build trust in each other . I clearly remember when I fell in love with him . I think that I had always loved him and cared about him but I wasn 't sure that I was " in " love with him until March . He was here for the weekend and getting ready to leave to go back to his house . He said good - bye and walked out the front door . I was very sad . I went to my car , opened the garage door and he was still there . He walked over to me , put his hand on my face and said , " don 't be sad , I 'll be back " and gave me several kisses on the cheek . It was a very sweet , endearing moment . My heart just sank . I walked around work all day feeling like my best friend just left me . I knew it was love . He called me a couple of days later and said " I love you " . Nothing back from me . The next week , he called again and said , " I love you " . He then asked me how I felt about him . I told him I don 't toss the word love around . But yes , I love you . I knew from then on I was in it for the long haul . He then took on remodeling his son 's basement and spent the whole month of June with me . What a great time and challenging at the same time . I had to learn how to really say what I wanted and not just give in to him . We talked a lot about becoming a team and not just partners , friends and lovers . We had to learn to work together , play together , fight together and live together . We have worked hard on become a team in all aPosted by I was one determined gal to move on . I started dating . I dated the first guy after Cowboy for about 3 months to long . . . considering we dated 3 1 / 2 months . I kept dating him thinking it would get better . . . but no such luck . I started really working on finding men to date . I accepted blind dates from set - ups of well meaning friends . I looked on the Internet and even considered a dating service . I would date but nothing more significant than a couple of dates and then I would find something wrong with them and I would move on . Oneman had wrinkly stinking shirts . . . I think his clothes stayed in the washer to long . . . bye - bye . Another man , not competitive on the golf course . . . bye - bye . Then there was mister " let me only talk about me " . . bye - bye . I remember coming back to KC after visiting my parents and being very sick . I begged my parents to drive me 2 hours back to my house but they wouldn 't go for it . When I got home , Cowboy was there . He looked so good . I hadn 't seen him for about 2 years . He was charming and sexy and wanted to have a little romp in bed . It was probably the first time in my life , I said no . Not because I didn 't want to but because I was so sick . I heard from him a couple of months later . He had gotten married again to the gal with the four small girls . ( Three weeks after he was at my house . ) I 'm glad nothing happened between us . He stopped by one more time after that but I was not home . He left a note saying he hoped I was doing well . Then he was gone . He moved out of state . Cowboy was out of my life for about 2 years and I was doing well . I figured that I needed to do a little work on myself and had a very good friend that confronted me on many of my issues with Cowboy and with men in general . It was very positive growth for me and I was beginning to truly be open to a new relationship . I became acquainted with a man that lived six hours from me . We had great conversation and had a lot of interests in common . I was planning on meeting him in about three weeks when I had a knock at my door . Surprise ! CowboPosted by I had moved to a different city and hoped to move on to the next chapter of my life . I bought a house , had a good job and was ready for a relationship that would lead to marriage . I became more involved with outside activities and organizations and had let all my friends know that I was interested in dating . Life seemed to be going in a good direction . I was ready to leave Cowboy behind and not wait around for him to show up at random times , and then leave again . On a Monday night around 9 months after I moved , I got a call from my dad . He said that they had received a call from Cowboy looking for me and left a number and asked me to call him . My heart started racing all over again . He had that effect on me , still under my skin and in my blood . I took a deep breath and called him . It was good to hear his voice . He was getting divorced and said he had been thinking about me . We started seeing each other again . He was different from the party boy . He was the hurt boy . He didn 't want to get serious and didn 't want to get married . He said that he felt safe around me and that I was the only woman he ever knew that didn 't want something from him . I had decided that I was going to date him for about six months and then decide if I would still see him or end the relationship . We had fun . He had a key to my house and I had one to his . It was a long distance relationship and we saw each other every weekend and we would occasionally sneak in a week night . I was falling in love with a guarded heart . He was still the wounded man saying he was never getting married again . My time line came and went and I did nothing . I think I could tell that we weren 't going forward but that was better than not being together so I stayed . I remember clearly when it started to end . He told me that he was going to help a " friend " from work move . Her husband was sleeping around and he had left her with four small girls . Something inside of me just knew that there was more to the story . He was still in the relationship with me but he was also out . WPosted by Today was the farm sale . My dad has been farming since he was born . He was raised in the home across the street from where he now lives . Farming is all he knows . So for 70 years , he has spent his time , blood , sweat , and tears building this farm . It 's time to sale . Dad can 't get around as well as he once could . He planted and harvested his last crop of wheat and decided that he was ready to sale . So today was the day . I got up this morning and went down to the pasture where all the farm equipment was set out and took pictures . ( I 'll upload some when I get back to my home . ) It was weird seeing all the tractors , disc , plows , cultivators and such just sitting in a row for someone else to take home . I was optimistic that it would be a good day . Earlier in the week , it was really hot . When we got up and it was cloudy and overcast , I was excited thinking that it would bring more folk out to the sale . Around 9 o ' clock it started to rain . . . maybe an omen for the day . The sale started at 9 : 30 and the first to sale was a wagon load of junk . I was the lucky bidder of an antique gas can for my sister . ( Although , Dad would have given it to her free . ) Some things went with no problem and other stuff wouldn 't even draw a bid . The turn out of bidders was pretty decent . I would have hoped for more but it would have been worse with less . After the junk , Dad 's biggest tractor was on the auction block . It 's a big tractor and really nice . The opening bid was $ 20 , 000 ( steal ) no takers . What ? ? Down to $ 15 , 000 - - no takers . Down to $ 10 , 000 - - a crying shame . I 'm standing there and it 's all that I can do not to cry . My heart is breaking as I look over to my Dad whose head is down . I don 't want to see this . I don 't want to see him hear that the first bid on the tractor was $ 7500 . ARE YOU KIDDING ME ? ? Tears well up in my eyes . It 's raining pretty steady at this point and I have to get out of the crowd . I can 't cry about this . I can 't let anyone see how awful this is . My dad 's head is hung low . I see him shake it . . . no this can 't be all that he willPosted by Want to let you all know that I will get back to my story . We are down on the farm for the big sale and today was extremely busy but we got alot accomplished . The sale is tomorrow morning and although it is a good thing , it is very sad . I will get caught up tomorrow on sunday . I don 't know , call it all the beer or the sex talk or being alone in a strange town with someone that I will never see again . Maybe it was the fact that Cowboy was hot and sexy . . . Don 't judge me but the combination of all the above happened and I let him follow me into my hotel room . We were just going to talk and maybe ' make out ' a little . It had been a while since I had dated someone and he was sexy . The next thing I know , he was naked . . . wait , how did that happen . No really , how did that happen . I told him I wasn 't that kind of girl and I wasn 't . Never any one night stands for me . I was the good Catholic girl that didn 't do that kind of thing . Well , one thing lead to another and when he was almost asleep , I reconsidered . ( We still laugh about that . ) Oh what fun ! Needless to say , after he left , I didn 't get much sleep that night and I can 't believe what I did . But it was so much fun . During the break at the conference the next day , Barb tracked me down in the bathroom to say that Cowboy was there and looking for me . Holy shit ! I was in the same clothes as last night ( I 'd only taken one change of clothes . ) Deep breath . He wanted to go for a motorcycle ride when I was done and maybe out to dinner . That 's not how a one night stand was supposed to end . I had to decline since my family was meeting me at my house for the weekend . And just that quick , it was over . No numbers , no I 'll see you again just bye . About a month later , I called " E " town . I had found out enough about him to make the call . He was staying with his mother since his father just passed away . She took the message and that was that . A couple of nights later , I get a call from Cowboy . He was at a gas station three blocks from my house . And just that quick , it began . We " dated " or whatever you want to call it for about 3 months . It was a long distance relationship and I was in grad school . He was really not in a place of his life that he was ready to settle down . Out all night with the boys , partying , drinking , etc . I ended it and told him that he was to wMJ This is my man , the man I want to spend the rest of my life with . I 'm really not sure why after these photos . This man makes me laugh . I 've decided that it 's time that I tell you all how we met and how we got together . In 1993 , I was working for the state as a social worker in a unique position working with kids aging out of the foster care system . The state had a conference in " E " - town . I went not knowing anyone else who was attending the two day conference . At the end of the first day , I had befriended two of the women who were also at the conference , Barb and Carmen . There was a pretty lame wine and cheese party and as Barb and I were talking , Carmen approached us . Barb told her that if she didn 't want us to talk about her , she better plan on going out with us that night . It was a go . Barb , Carmen and I went for dinner and then shopping . Lots of girl talk and talk about sex and men and you know . . . everything that complete strangers can talk about after a couple of beers . Later in the evening , we were off to a country bar where we had the pleasure of participating in Karaoke night . Barb suggested a performance of " Leader of the Pack " . Barb took the lead and Carmen and I played the back up singers with a dance routine worked out in the bathroom . What a hoot ! After our performance , a total cowboy came up to us and asked for one of us to sing a duet with him . We all passed . He was a pretty good singer and came back to mill around our table . Later in the evening , he asked me to dance - - no problem . Then he kept asking and hanging around . I had my own cowboy for the evening . As the night came to a close , he asked us to go to another bar with him . He told Barb and Carmen to follow him , because I was riding with him . Off we went . I know , I know , not a smart move but 15 years ago , you just didn 't think anything would happen to you . ( Barb said later , everyone in the bar knew Cowboy , so if anything did happen , she would have retraced our steps ) . Barb and Carmen never show up at the other bar . I quickly found out that Cowboy wasPosted by I don 't complain about the heat . I love summer , but it 's freakin ' hot . In our infinite wisdom , we got a tee time for 1p yesterday . Smack dab in the hottest part of the day . We played last year when the thermometer read 112 so no problem with yesterday right . What about the humidity ? I was wringing wet . Not a dry article of clothing on me . Sucked the life right out of me . Cowboy and I came home and we took a shower and laid on the bed recovering for the next two hours . Cowboy never lays down so you know it had to be hot . Then today , it was off to the " try - out " gym . I swear they keep it warm in there , so again , not a dry piece of clothing on me and then it was home to water all those cute flowers I planted when the weather was 70 degrees . They 're not so cute now . The gym is getting a little better but it 's still not like our old gym . It 's really more like a warehouse pick up joint than an gym . Muscle heads flexing in the mirror and walking around all pumped up like some steroid knuckle head . Then there are the little skinny bitches that are dressed more for picking up on the muscle heads than flexing their own muscles . Only 25 more days then back to our little gym . . . Cowboy 's parents are deceased . His dad died of a heart attack at the age of 59 before I met Cowboy . His mother died of cancer about three years later after I dated Cowboy for the first time 15 years ago . Cowboy then adopted his best friend 's mom . His best friend is in the yellow shorts . This is such a fitting picture of the two of them . Outside fishing , only because hunting season is not here . They are a lot alike . Today was the ' D ' family reunion . This is the third year that I have went with Cowboy . The first time was 15 years ago and then again last year . We don 't often do ' family ' activities with Cowboy 's family ( since he 's doesn 't really have much of an extended family ) . I love being able to share this with him . I wish he had close family ties since my family is so important to me . The day was really good . The food was awesome and I was pretty comfortable this year since I have a little connection with his family for the second year in a row . After the reunion , we went to visit Cowboy 's old neighbors . They were thrilled to see him . They are an older couple that have been very good to Cowboy over the years and he to them . They were so excited that we stopped by . They wanted to fix us supper and since we couldn 't stay they sent home tomatoes and cucumbers . You don 't find people any better than the ones we spent the day with . Here was our entertainment for the day . Oscar was rescued in Tennessee after his owners tried to kill him by hitting him in the head with a hammer and throwing him in a swift moving river . He is the cutest thing and will soon be adopted by Cowboy 's adopted family . I think I got it . Hope you enjoy this as much as I do . We went to the new gym again . It was a little better the second time but I 'm pretty sure we aren 't going to join . Afterwards we had to go wash the car . Cowboy just can 't have a dirty car . At the car wash , he asked how long it had been since I washed the car . . . . I haven 't for the past couple of years . I started thinking about all the things I haven 't done since we 've been together . I haven 't washed the car . I haven 't mowed the yard . I haven 't taken out the trash . I haven 't fixed anything around the house . I don 't always have to drive . I don 't always have to do the dishes . I don 't often fix my lunch for work . I don 't fix breakfast during the week . I was single for a very long time , about 39 years . I loved living on my own and doing all the things I needed to do for myself . But being in a relationship has also been awesome . I tell Cowboy all the time that we need to be a team and work together . I had a lot of fear about giving up so much of my independence and I 'm finding that I can give up some of the things that I used to do and be fine . I never wanted to be a dependent woman . I am very thankful for how we have found a grove . I told Cowboy that we were going to get married on 03 - 06 - 09 . His response , " I need to take out the trash . " I 'm going to keep working towards that . Wish me luck . This is our life . The story of the cowboy and me . I can 't beleive the things that come out of his mouth and the good fortune that I have to be around to hear them . We are trying to make our way in the world . I 'm a social worker in a job that is bigger than me most days and he is my stay at home guy that has is own little ' entrepreneural spirit ' . We just got married and have moved into our home that has a small piece of land ( 1 / 2 acre ) in a very big city . So what do I do with a Cowboy in the city . . . |
Quick hello from Florida . We had the " hula " birthday party at the country club pool . 14 7 year old girls . Talk about high pitched screams and crying spells . What a hoot ! It was a huge success . Off to the beach tomorrow and Monday . Lots to do with the three little girls and it is so good to hang out with my best friend . We are so lucky that her husband is tolerant of my moving in for a week . More when I get home , complete with pics . I wanted to share with you the " fruits of our labor " . The yard is looking good and all of Cowboy 's hard work is looking excellent . Cowboy says he does the framing and I do the decorating . When I brought home all the flowers , he ranted on and on about them . Now he waters them and treats them with lots of TLC . He is obsessed with keeping the yard looking top notch . I must admit he does an outstanding job . Our yard has never looked better according to our neighbors . We get lots of comments from the neighbors which just boost Cowboy 's already overinflated ego . Tomorrow , I fly out to Florida . I 'm going to the twins 7th birthday party and my God - daughters fourth birthday party . I have a hula skirt and lei waiting for me . I 've very excited . We have to leave at 4 : 30a for the airport . Cowboy decided not to go . He said he wanted to wait and go on vacation together , most likely in March . ( A vacation to get married , maybe ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ) We were hanging out around the house and Cowboy started talking about pooping . I know , I know , why would you talk about pooping . I swear , he is obsessed with pooping . He is a regular pooper . I guarenteee that the minute I leave the house for the day , he is sitting on the pot " taking a dump " . If he doesn 't get time to " download " , he just isn 't right the whole day . Not only is he obsessed about his own poop , he wants to know if I have " dropped a load " on any given day . He thinks I have poop problems because you can 't set a watch by my pooping . Today , he said he thought my " turd cutter " wasn 't working . What ? Turd Cutter ? Isn 't he a dandy . Just a quick update , the ointment for the eyes allowed me to sleep well for the first time in a while . I 'm convinced that it 's going to work . Just 2 months and 29 days to go . Once again , we went golfing . Probably not the smartest thing to do since I can only partially see . Cowboy is my challenge . I think that as long as we are together and are playing golf , he will be my challenge . Tonight , it wasn 't about his golf or his swing or even anything about him . Tonight it was about how slow the people were in front of us or how backed up we were going to be . I , on the other hand , can be way more patient . I can wait and take our time an just enjoy the event and not the competitiveness of the game . It started on hole one when he wanted to start on 10 , so for the first 6 holes that 's all he talked about . Finally , we skipped ahead and played 11 and were going to come back and play 7 later . Still not good enough when we caught up with someone . Dear God , Grant him patience . Grant him lots of patience and grant it to him quick or I 'm selling my golf clubs ! ! ! You may be tired of hearing about my eye drama but if you chose to continue to read you will get one more dose of eye drama . Since my eye surgery , my eyes have been dry . I use drops and my doctor suggested gel drops at night when the dryness seems to be at its worst . So that 's what I 've been doing . Yesterday was a particularly dry eye day . This is incredibly frustrating to me but I try not to complain and just deal with it . This morning around 6a , Sadie woke up and started barking . She scared me to death but the worst part was that I woke up suddenly and opened my eyes . Just that simple action , felt like someone had taken a razor and shaved off my eyeball . The pain was intense . I couldn 't open my eye and yet having it closed hurt . I couldn 't cry and couldn 't scream . I just kept saying over and over , it hurts , it hurts . Imagine someone taking their fingernail and scrapping your eye times 10 . I kept trying to convince myself that I was okay but I wasn 't . I was finally able to navigate enough to take a shower . However , during the shower I made my next mistake and rubbed my eyes . Holy shit ! ! ! Not only does my eye hurt but I can 't see out of it . I just went thru a lot with my eye surgery and can 't see . By now , I 'm totally freaked out . I called the eye doctor and they were able to get me in - - so instead of heading to work , I went straight to the eye doctor . Driving was the next challenge . My eye was very sensitive to light so not only is my vision blurry , it 's watering like you would not believe . I hate going to the doctors because my fear is that the doctor will say nothing is wrong and you are just being wimpy about this . My first clue that that would not be the case today was when the tech asked me to read the eye chart and I couldn 't see any letter until the 20 / 200 letters came up . A big blurry C and D . Not good . The doctor came in and checked my eye out . Same drill that I have been going thru for the past 6 weeks . He finally said , my eye looked like I described . The top layer of the cornea peeled off . He said it was " Posted by I think we will all have those moments when we realize that our parents are getting older and more venerable . I have had a few of those with my mother but I had another one today . Mom got into some traffic when she was driving up yesterday and was a little frazzled when she got here . She made several comments about it but seemed to calm down after an hour or so . Today , she started talking about the traffic again . She then jokingly stated that she would pay me $ 100 dollars to drive her to the south part of the city so she didn 't have to drive in the traffic . We just laughed about it . She then started to get an upset stomach . ( Very common for her when she is nervous ) . As the day went on , Mom seemed to get more and more sick to her stomach . I suggested an alternate route . She seemed to settle on taking that road home . Mom seemed to just be hanging out , which was very fine , but it was more of a hesitation about leaving . She finally said that she was going home and at the same time , got sick to her stomach . She came into the living room , sat down , and said she felt silly for being so worried about driving home . I asked her if she wanted me to drive her , she said she would be fine and then started crying . I asked again and she said she wanted me to drive her . We did and she felt better and made it home okay . It was a realization that mom 's confidence in driving in the city is very shaken and she most likely won 't be able to come up again on her own . The mom 's have arrived . I spent the afternoon with my mom at the furniture store shopping for new furniture for her and Cowboy spent took his mom to the casino . Mom and I caught up with them there . Mom loved the penny machine because it seemed to have more bells going off more often . I really liked the blackjack table today . I ended up with enough money to buy dinner for all of us . I have typically been a loser at the table every time that I have gambled lately . I 'm pretty excited about today . He thinks he 's my boss . Cowboy is standing over me right now telling me that I need to get off my new computer . My mom told me reply . . . " Who died and made you boss ! " Cowboy didn 't think that was so funny . He quickly informed me that he is the boss around the house . At least , I let him think that . . . . we all know who the real boss is . I went out to dinner with my friend , Dr . T . I haven 't seen her for awhile and it was good to have dinner and hang out . It 's amazing how time goes by and you don 't see your friends like you should . I 'm glad we made time to see each other and catch up . Dr . T . you can read my blog but you have to call me ! ! Thanks for making time tonight . Today has been a long day . Work doesn 't often take me out of town but today it did . We had a meeting this afternoon and a meeting in the morning about three hours away . So we are in a hotel tonight . The meeting today consisted of a training , which was so amazingly boring I thought I would have to jump up and take ahold of the lady doing the presentation and strangle her . Better yet , do something to take me out of my misery . OMG , it was so bad . Cowboy has called already . He sure misses me when I 'm gone . Has to have blow by blow of the days activities . He won 't come right out and say it , unless it 's close to bed time and I catch him at a weak moment . Had to have a small chuckle last night . There was an article on the net talking about how men and women communicate differently . The article stated that often men don 't say I 'm sorry they just go about trying to make it better by taking you out to eat or washing your car . I guess that Cowboy has been saying I 'm sorry all week for his childish behavior this weekend . I had to show him the article . . . his comment , are you trying to say something . . . yeah , babe - - you can 't say I 'm sorry or I 'm wrong . . . try it , it will say you some money . Does it ever seem like life is just speeding by ? I want it to slow down . I 'm beginning to think there is only 20 hours in a day and 6 days in a week . Where is the time going ? It seems like only yesterday that Cowboy and I had met . I 'm sure it was just last week that we started living together . Work goes by in a blur . How do you make it stop ? Can we ever make it just slow down ? I 've tried really hard to simplify my life but it seems that there is always something going on and more to do . Back when I was single , I would wish for something to do . I could go a whole weekend and not talk to anyone or see anyone . My BF would complain about not having any time to herself and I would complain about not having anything to do . When I was younger , I would wish for time to speed up . I couldn 't wait for school , Chrismas break , summer vacation . Isn 't it funny how things change as we get older . Has anyone found the secret to making time slow down ? ? ? So tonight Cowboy decided that he needed to redeem himself . He suggested that we go to the golf course after work . Call me a glutton for punishment . Call me crazy . I went . There is a short golf course that you have to walk and it 's fun to play if you have the right attitude . So we got there and started on number 10 - - number 1 was a little backed up . To my surprise , it was a very good night . Mr . " I need Anger Management " was Mr . " I 'm really fun to play with " . Cowboy was great . He played well and I played fairly well . It was really a fun night . He even agreed that it was fun . I told him that this was the Cowboy that I loved . He reminded me that I love him all the time . I let him know he was probably right but I sure didn 't like him sometimes . He did another really nice thing tonight . His " mom " is coming up this weekend so he called my mom and invited her up also . My mom was thrilled and thought it was so awesome that he called her . I don 't think I can describe how much that meant to her . My mom has been a little jealous of Cowboy being in my life . She had me as a single woman for 40 years so when he came along things changed for her . She has to share me , not an easy task for her . He earned huge brownie points today . I like days like today . On a side note , I got my wireless connection all set up tonight . No more arguing over who needs the computer . I couldn 't seem to take a good picture . We have been staying up late and getting up early and I look tired so here the best that I have . My hair seems really short but what can I expect after losing 8 inches . I love my new " do " and got tons of compliments on my hair . I can 't believe that I don 't take the time keep it up and try to look a little more stylish . I keep saying that I 'll do better but I don 't . Maybe this time I will . Why can 't men just say I 'm sorry ? Why can 't my man say he 's sorry ? Instead , he 'll take something that I say . . . like BBQ sounds good ( I said that 2 days ago ) . . . and he 'll do that for me . We had a couple of spats this weekend and I come home tonight and he decided to go out for a ride in the convertible and BBQ . An " I 'm sorry " would have been good enough . I don 't think he likes to admit that he wrong , as least he does it in his own way . I have a new laptop ! Who knows what I 'm doing but I found a wireless connection and got on the internet . Oh boy , do I think I 'm big time now . No more fighting with Cowboy over who gets to use the computer . I think I 'm really going to like this . Now I just have to figure out how to use the darn thing . . . . I did it . . . 8 inches off the head . Short hair with blond and red highlights . I 'll post pictures soon . Finally after about 4 weeks of something going on during the weekend , we are finally home for the whole weekend . So we packed it full . We had a hind quarter of deer in the freezer so last night we grinded it all up and made summer sausage and jalapeno sausage . I 'll let you know how it turns out . Then it was off to the gym . This morning , we were up early to go to garage sales , then running errands , and out on the golf course by 2p . Tonight it was watering the flowers , grilling dinner and doing laundry . Tomorrow , I 'm finally cutting my hair short and looking for a new laptop . So much for a relaxing weekend . So we had more drama on the golf course . I set up our tee times as a surprise for Cowboy . We went to a new course for me . He has played there several times and likes it so I thought we would try it today . We were paired with a couple of guys . They were pretty nerdy and a couple of so - so golfers . Play was slow . Cowboy started getting irritated and became a very unsportsman golfer . He is not a professional . He is not Tiger Woods . He will never make the PGA . But if he isn 't playing like he is a par golfer ( which he is not ) , he gets pissy . He has been playing with the neighbor who is his " anger management " coach . We decided that he is most comfortable with me so he thinks it 's okay to be " nasty " . I told him that he needs to do something different because I was tired of it and it wasn 't fun for me when he was like that . I reminded him that I don 't get to play more than on weekends and when I play , it 's about being thankful that I 'm not at work and that it 's a beautiful day to play . He needs to change . . . I 'll keep reminding him of that . I have finally decided to cut my hair short . I don 't pay attention to my hair . It 's naturally curly and I can get by with not doing much to it . However , this time I have let this go on to long . I haven 't had a hair cut for over a year . I 'll let you know how it turns out . I am one tired girl ! I had to work from 8 : 30a to 9p Wednesday and Thursday night . That made for a long week . It was really fine because much of it was spent with clients , something that I don 't get to do often enough . However , I promised Caroline that I would do this last night so better late than never : 7 things I plan to do before I die : - become a mom - get married - travel to Europe - score under 90 on the golf course - go to Australia - live in the country with Cowboy - buy a Winnebago and travel the USA 7 things I can do - smoke the golf ball down the fairway - sew ( almost anything without a pattern ) - drive a tractor to disc a field - hang ceiling fans and install a thermostat - refinish furniture - change a tire - clean out a hog house 7 things I can 't do - be a girly girl and wear high heal shoes all day - run fast - do anything mechanical with my car - understand Cowboy when he talks about cars - belch on command - do anything in public that you aren 't supposed to do - back a trailer 7 things that attract me to the opposite sex - muscles - short hair - height - smiles - nice teeth - sense of humor - ass 7 things I say most often - Oh my - whatever - really - - - - 7 Celebrity Crushes - George Clooney - Toby Keith - Tim McGraw - - - - 7 people who need to do this - everyone who hasn 't ( it 's tougher than you think ) I 'm not sure my brain is working . I 'm trying to do this and watch the Olympics . I 'll have to come back to it . I consider Dec ' 05 to be the time that we got together for the final time . It was really hard at first . He had a life to end in another state . He was giving up a home that he loved and 4 girls that he was close to . He had cashed in some of his 401k to buy his dream house on 17 acres in the mountains - - lots of fishing and hunting . I wanted all of him but he needed to get out of his relationship , commitments , etc . I couldn 't call him or contact him so I had to learn a lot of patience . We saw each other about once a month and talked when he could use a pay phone and a phone card . It was really hard on our relationship but at the same time , we had to build trust in each other . I clearly remember when I fell in love with him . I think that I had always loved him and cared about him but I wasn 't sure that I was " in " love with him until March . He was here for the weekend and getting ready to leave to go back to his house . He said good - bye and walked out the front door . I was very sad . I went to my car , opened the garage door and he was still there . He walked over to me , put his hand on my face and said , " don 't be sad , I 'll be back " and gave me several kisses on the cheek . It was a very sweet , endearing moment . My heart just sank . I walked around work all day feeling like my best friend just left me . I knew it was love . He called me a couple of days later and said " I love you " . Nothing back from me . The next week , he called again and said , " I love you " . He then asked me how I felt about him . I told him I don 't toss the word love around . But yes , I love you . I knew from then on I was in it for the long haul . He then took on remodeling his son 's basement and spent the whole month of June with me . What a great time and challenging at the same time . I had to learn how to really say what I wanted and not just give in to him . We talked a lot about becoming a team and not just partners , friends and lovers . We had to learn to work together , play together , fight together and live together . We have worked hard on become a team in all aPosted by I was one determined gal to move on . I started dating . I dated the first guy after Cowboy for about 3 months to long . . . considering we dated 3 1 / 2 months . I kept dating him thinking it would get better . . . but no such luck . I started really working on finding men to date . I accepted blind dates from set - ups of well meaning friends . I looked on the Internet and even considered a dating service . I would date but nothing more significant than a couple of dates and then I would find something wrong with them and I would move on . Oneman had wrinkly stinking shirts . . . I think his clothes stayed in the washer to long . . . bye - bye . Another man , not competitive on the golf course . . . bye - bye . Then there was mister " let me only talk about me " . . bye - bye . I remember coming back to KC after visiting my parents and being very sick . I begged my parents to drive me 2 hours back to my house but they wouldn 't go for it . When I got home , Cowboy was there . He looked so good . I hadn 't seen him for about 2 years . He was charming and sexy and wanted to have a little romp in bed . It was probably the first time in my life , I said no . Not because I didn 't want to but because I was so sick . I heard from him a couple of months later . He had gotten married again to the gal with the four small girls . ( Three weeks after he was at my house . ) I 'm glad nothing happened between us . He stopped by one more time after that but I was not home . He left a note saying he hoped I was doing well . Then he was gone . He moved out of state . Cowboy was out of my life for about 2 years and I was doing well . I figured that I needed to do a little work on myself and had a very good friend that confronted me on many of my issues with Cowboy and with men in general . It was very positive growth for me and I was beginning to truly be open to a new relationship . I became acquainted with a man that lived six hours from me . We had great conversation and had a lot of interests in common . I was planning on meeting him in about three weeks when I had a knock at my door . Surprise ! CowboPosted by I had moved to a different city and hoped to move on to the next chapter of my life . I bought a house , had a good job and was ready for a relationship that would lead to marriage . I became more involved with outside activities and organizations and had let all my friends know that I was interested in dating . Life seemed to be going in a good direction . I was ready to leave Cowboy behind and not wait around for him to show up at random times , and then leave again . On a Monday night around 9 months after I moved , I got a call from my dad . He said that they had received a call from Cowboy looking for me and left a number and asked me to call him . My heart started racing all over again . He had that effect on me , still under my skin and in my blood . I took a deep breath and called him . It was good to hear his voice . He was getting divorced and said he had been thinking about me . We started seeing each other again . He was different from the party boy . He was the hurt boy . He didn 't want to get serious and didn 't want to get married . He said that he felt safe around me and that I was the only woman he ever knew that didn 't want something from him . I had decided that I was going to date him for about six months and then decide if I would still see him or end the relationship . We had fun . He had a key to my house and I had one to his . It was a long distance relationship and we saw each other every weekend and we would occasionally sneak in a week night . I was falling in love with a guarded heart . He was still the wounded man saying he was never getting married again . My time line came and went and I did nothing . I think I could tell that we weren 't going forward but that was better than not being together so I stayed . I remember clearly when it started to end . He told me that he was going to help a " friend " from work move . Her husband was sleeping around and he had left her with four small girls . Something inside of me just knew that there was more to the story . He was still in the relationship with me but he was also out . WPosted by Today was the farm sale . My dad has been farming since he was born . He was raised in the home across the street from where he now lives . Farming is all he knows . So for 70 years , he has spent his time , blood , sweat , and tears building this farm . It 's time to sale . Dad can 't get around as well as he once could . He planted and harvested his last crop of wheat and decided that he was ready to sale . So today was the day . I got up this morning and went down to the pasture where all the farm equipment was set out and took pictures . ( I 'll upload some when I get back to my home . ) It was weird seeing all the tractors , disc , plows , cultivators and such just sitting in a row for someone else to take home . I was optimistic that it would be a good day . Earlier in the week , it was really hot . When we got up and it was cloudy and overcast , I was excited thinking that it would bring more folk out to the sale . Around 9 o ' clock it started to rain . . . maybe an omen for the day . The sale started at 9 : 30 and the first to sale was a wagon load of junk . I was the lucky bidder of an antique gas can for my sister . ( Although , Dad would have given it to her free . ) Some things went with no problem and other stuff wouldn 't even draw a bid . The turn out of bidders was pretty decent . I would have hoped for more but it would have been worse with less . After the junk , Dad 's biggest tractor was on the auction block . It 's a big tractor and really nice . The opening bid was $ 20 , 000 ( steal ) no takers . What ? ? Down to $ 15 , 000 - - no takers . Down to $ 10 , 000 - - a crying shame . I 'm standing there and it 's all that I can do not to cry . My heart is breaking as I look over to my Dad whose head is down . I don 't want to see this . I don 't want to see him hear that the first bid on the tractor was $ 7500 . ARE YOU KIDDING ME ? ? Tears well up in my eyes . It 's raining pretty steady at this point and I have to get out of the crowd . I can 't cry about this . I can 't let anyone see how awful this is . My dad 's head is hung low . I see him shake it . . . no this can 't be all that he willPosted by Want to let you all know that I will get back to my story . We are down on the farm for the big sale and today was extremely busy but we got alot accomplished . The sale is tomorrow morning and although it is a good thing , it is very sad . I will get caught up tomorrow on sunday . I don 't know , call it all the beer or the sex talk or being alone in a strange town with someone that I will never see again . Maybe it was the fact that Cowboy was hot and sexy . . . Don 't judge me but the combination of all the above happened and I let him follow me into my hotel room . We were just going to talk and maybe ' make out ' a little . It had been a while since I had dated someone and he was sexy . The next thing I know , he was naked . . . wait , how did that happen . No really , how did that happen . I told him I wasn 't that kind of girl and I wasn 't . Never any one night stands for me . I was the good Catholic girl that didn 't do that kind of thing . Well , one thing lead to another and when he was almost asleep , I reconsidered . ( We still laugh about that . ) Oh what fun ! Needless to say , after he left , I didn 't get much sleep that night and I can 't believe what I did . But it was so much fun . During the break at the conference the next day , Barb tracked me down in the bathroom to say that Cowboy was there and looking for me . Holy shit ! I was in the same clothes as last night ( I 'd only taken one change of clothes . ) Deep breath . He wanted to go for a motorcycle ride when I was done and maybe out to dinner . That 's not how a one night stand was supposed to end . I had to decline since my family was meeting me at my house for the weekend . And just that quick , it was over . No numbers , no I 'll see you again just bye . About a month later , I called " E " town . I had found out enough about him to make the call . He was staying with his mother since his father just passed away . She took the message and that was that . A couple of nights later , I get a call from Cowboy . He was at a gas station three blocks from my house . And just that quick , it began . We " dated " or whatever you want to call it for about 3 months . It was a long distance relationship and I was in grad school . He was really not in a place of his life that he was ready to settle down . Out all night with the boys , partying , drinking , etc . I ended it and told him that he was to wMJ This is my man , the man I want to spend the rest of my life with . I 'm really not sure why after these photos . This man makes me laugh . I 've decided that it 's time that I tell you all how we met and how we got together . In 1993 , I was working for the state as a social worker in a unique position working with kids aging out of the foster care system . The state had a conference in " E " - town . I went not knowing anyone else who was attending the two day conference . At the end of the first day , I had befriended two of the women who were also at the conference , Barb and Carmen . There was a pretty lame wine and cheese party and as Barb and I were talking , Carmen approached us . Barb told her that if she didn 't want us to talk about her , she better plan on going out with us that night . It was a go . Barb , Carmen and I went for dinner and then shopping . Lots of girl talk and talk about sex and men and you know . . . everything that complete strangers can talk about after a couple of beers . Later in the evening , we were off to a country bar where we had the pleasure of participating in Karaoke night . Barb suggested a performance of " Leader of the Pack " . Barb took the lead and Carmen and I played the back up singers with a dance routine worked out in the bathroom . What a hoot ! After our performance , a total cowboy came up to us and asked for one of us to sing a duet with him . We all passed . He was a pretty good singer and came back to mill around our table . Later in the evening , he asked me to dance - - no problem . Then he kept asking and hanging around . I had my own cowboy for the evening . As the night came to a close , he asked us to go to another bar with him . He told Barb and Carmen to follow him , because I was riding with him . Off we went . I know , I know , not a smart move but 15 years ago , you just didn 't think anything would happen to you . ( Barb said later , everyone in the bar knew Cowboy , so if anything did happen , she would have retraced our steps ) . Barb and Carmen never show up at the other bar . I quickly found out that Cowboy wasPosted by I don 't complain about the heat . I love summer , but it 's freakin ' hot . In our infinite wisdom , we got a tee time for 1p yesterday . Smack dab in the hottest part of the day . We played last year when the thermometer read 112 so no problem with yesterday right . What about the humidity ? I was wringing wet . Not a dry article of clothing on me . Sucked the life right out of me . Cowboy and I came home and we took a shower and laid on the bed recovering for the next two hours . Cowboy never lays down so you know it had to be hot . Then today , it was off to the " try - out " gym . I swear they keep it warm in there , so again , not a dry piece of clothing on me and then it was home to water all those cute flowers I planted when the weather was 70 degrees . They 're not so cute now . The gym is getting a little better but it 's still not like our old gym . It 's really more like a warehouse pick up joint than an gym . Muscle heads flexing in the mirror and walking around all pumped up like some steroid knuckle head . Then there are the little skinny bitches that are dressed more for picking up on the muscle heads than flexing their own muscles . Only 25 more days then back to our little gym . . . Cowboy 's parents are deceased . His dad died of a heart attack at the age of 59 before I met Cowboy . His mother died of cancer about three years later after I dated Cowboy for the first time 15 years ago . Cowboy then adopted his best friend 's mom . His best friend is in the yellow shorts . This is such a fitting picture of the two of them . Outside fishing , only because hunting season is not here . They are a lot alike . Today was the ' D ' family reunion . This is the third year that I have went with Cowboy . The first time was 15 years ago and then again last year . We don 't often do ' family ' activities with Cowboy 's family ( since he 's doesn 't really have much of an extended family ) . I love being able to share this with him . I wish he had close family ties since my family is so important to me . The day was really good . The food was awesome and I was pretty comfortable this year since I have a little connection with his family for the second year in a row . After the reunion , we went to visit Cowboy 's old neighbors . They were thrilled to see him . They are an older couple that have been very good to Cowboy over the years and he to them . They were so excited that we stopped by . They wanted to fix us supper and since we couldn 't stay they sent home tomatoes and cucumbers . You don 't find people any better than the ones we spent the day with . Here was our entertainment for the day . Oscar was rescued in Tennessee after his owners tried to kill him by hitting him in the head with a hammer and throwing him in a swift moving river . He is the cutest thing and will soon be adopted by Cowboy 's adopted family . I think I got it . Hope you enjoy this as much as I do . We went to the new gym again . It was a little better the second time but I 'm pretty sure we aren 't going to join . Afterwards we had to go wash the car . Cowboy just can 't have a dirty car . At the car wash , he asked how long it had been since I washed the car . . . . I haven 't for the past couple of years . I started thinking about all the things I haven 't done since we 've been together . I haven 't washed the car . I haven 't mowed the yard . I haven 't taken out the trash . I haven 't fixed anything around the house . I don 't always have to drive . I don 't always have to do the dishes . I don 't often fix my lunch for work . I don 't fix breakfast during the week . I was single for a very long time , about 39 years . I loved living on my own and doing all the things I needed to do for myself . But being in a relationship has also been awesome . I tell Cowboy all the time that we need to be a team and work together . I had a lot of fear about giving up so much of my independence and I 'm finding that I can give up some of the things that I used to do and be fine . I never wanted to be a dependent woman . I am very thankful for how we have found a grove . I told Cowboy that we were going to get married on 03 - 06 - 09 . His response , " I need to take out the trash . " I 'm going to keep working towards that . Wish me luck . This is our life . The story of the cowboy and me . I can 't beleive the things that come out of his mouth and the good fortune that I have to be around to hear them . We are trying to make our way in the world . I 'm a social worker in a job that is bigger than me most days and he is my stay at home guy that has is own little ' entrepreneural spirit ' . We just got married and have moved into our home that has a small piece of land ( 1 / 2 acre ) in a very big city . So what do I do with a Cowboy in the city . . . |
It was a nice spring morning on April 8 , 1920 . Luther was plowing one of his fields , getting it ready to plant corn . He looked up and saw his cousin , Clarence Castlebury , running up waving his arms . When he was within shouting distance Clarence said , " Jessie wants you to go for Dr . Dill right away . " In those days the telephone lines didn 't go out into the country , so Luther had to saddle his horse and ride to Humansville , seven miles away , to get the doctor to come to the house . Women always had their babies at home then . They named the baby Ray Edward . Then his other grandpa , Frank Swindler , heard that he was named after Ed , his feelings were hurt . Lessie added the name Francis , in front of Ray , just to keep peace in the family . It wasn 't until forty years later when he received his birth certificate that Ray learned that Francis wasn 't his first name after all . His parents had called him Ray from the first day after he was born . He liked that name better anyway . Ray was a fat , chubby baby with blue eyes and light brown hair that curled when he was older . When he was a baby , all the mothers dressed their babies , boys and girls , in long dresses . Ed always told this story about Ray and his long dress . " Well , " Ed . said , " Ray was just a little feller and he was a crawling around out in the yard , and he catched his dress on a little stick , a sticking up out of the ground . He just kept on pullin ' and tuggin ' until he tore that dress clear offin ' hisself . Lessie didn 't like that one bit , but we was all laughin ' so hard , she started to laugh too . " All of his life , Ray couldn 't stand to be caught in a tight place . Ray was taken to his great - grandparents house when he was a little boy . Scott Castlebury would let him play with the hitch reins , because he knew Ray would put them back where they belonged when he was through playing . Scott and Lary lived on a little farm just east of Ed and Rhoda 's at that time . Scott died on April 15 , 1922 and after he died , Lary went to live with her daughter , Rhoda . Luther and Lessie moved to a farm near the small community of Hickory Grove , about seven miles from his parents . This place had a nice frame house on it , and Lessie hoped they would stay there because it was a nice farm , and she thought they could do well there . On March 23 , 1924 , when Ray was four years old , he was told that the doctor had brought a new sister out to the house in his little black bag . The new baby was named Lois Nadine , and Ray soon found out he had to share his mother 's time with this new baby . Soon after Lois was born , Luther got sick and wanted to go home to his mother . He thought she could help him get well . Lessie and a neighbor lady were trying to harness the team . When Ray saw that they were doing it all wrong he said , " You women don 't know shit from tar about harnessing a team . " When Lessie got through giving him a good scolding about using such bad words , he showed them how to do it right . Luther wasn 't happy being so far away from his parents , so they moved into the house where Scott Castlebury had lived . One night Ray was shaken awake and told to run over to his Grandma Routh 's house and tell her Lessie was sick , and to hurry to their house . He had to run about a half mile through the woods . It was dark , and he was so scared , and he ran so fast that he lost one of his shoes . This was on February 22 , 1926 . It must have been cold , but Ray didn 't stop to get his shoe then . They picked it up when Ed took him home the next day . Ray was sure surprised to find another baby in bed with his mother . He couldn 't figure out why his mother was so sick if the new baby sister was brought in the doctor ' bag as he was told . This sister was named Ruby Marie . She had dark hair and sky blue eyes like her mother . After Ruby was born , the family moved even closer to Grandpa and Grandma Routh . This time back to the same log house where Ray was born several years before . It was about this time that Great - Grandma Castlebury died , on November 7 , 1928 . She was dressed and made ready for burial in the house . Ray remembered her as a little gray haired skinny woman . He was in the house when she died . The next day she was taken down the steep Turkey Creek hill on a wagon to the old Simerell graveyard , where she was laid to rest beside her husband , Scott . She left no money to pay for the funeral expenses , so Ed borrowed money to pay for it . He was a proud man and didn 't want the county to bury any of his kinfolks . Ed never had much money in his life , but he always liked to take care of his own . When Ray was about eight , he wanted to help his daddy cut corn . Luther told him to go play and leave him alone , because he was too busy to fool with him . Ray went to his grandpa Ed , and asked him if he could use a little help . Ed gave him an old corn knife just to humor him , and showed him how to use it . Ray couldn 't lift the heavy knife with one hand , so he used both hands , and cut the corn like he was chopping wood . Ed thought Ray would get tired working and go play but , he was surprised when Ray worked all day with him . He said , " Ray cut a lot more corn than I thought he would . " Ray later said , " I wish I hadn 't learned so well , because when Dad saw how much corn I could cut , he made me help him every day after that . I liked to help Grandpa best , because he never got mad at me if 1 did something wrong . I told my boys I had to go to work in the fields when I was so young , that I had to go back to the house so my mother could change my diaper . That was an exaggeration of course . It seemed like I was born working , though . " It was while they lived north of Ed 's that Luther traded for a pair of burros , named Jack and Jenny . He brought them home and shut Jenny up in a shed . Rav and Luther were planning to ride Jack over to Ed 's house . Jack did not want to leave Jenny , so Luther whipped him . He reared up and threw Luther into a pile of ashes near the house . Luther was very mad . He got up and started beating Jack with a board , forgetting Ray was still on his back . The burro started running , and Ray couldn 't hold him back . He was holding on for dear life , hoping Jack would stop running when they got to his grandpas house . But , instead , he stopped dead still and reared up in the air . Then he turned around and ran back to the shed where Jenny was and stopped there . It had been a wild ride , but Ray was still on Jack 's back when he stopped running . Luther and Ray tried to work the team of burros , but they did not work out very well , and Luther traded them off the first chance he got . He was glad to get rid of them . Children did not have many toys then . The only ones Ray could remember that he didn 't make , were a couple of cast iron horses . One of them was black . The other one was light colored and was pulling a little cart . Ray thought Luther bought them in a box of other things at a farm sale . One Christmas , Ray got a shotgun that shot a cork on a string . All of his other toys he made for himself . He made a stable full of horses out of sticks . he used little pieces of leather to make bridles for them . He put a rail out behind the barn so he could tie his stick horses up at night so they would not run away . Ray made a sling shot that he made from a forked limb , and strips of rubber from old inner tubes . He called it a " nigger shooter " . He picked up some ball bearings at town , and he got so good shooting this sling shot that he could kill squirrels with it to eat . One day he saw a little mother wren sitting on the corner of the house , so he drew back his sling and shot at it . He never thought he could hit such a tiny target . He almost cried when the wren fell dead at his feet . After that , he found out she had babies still in the nest . He dug worms and put them where the daddy bird could find them easily and feed the little ones . Ray never shot at another bird after that . He had learned his lesson . Lessie 's third daughter was born in the same log house that Ray was , on May 31 , 1928 . She was named Jewell Mae . She was light haired , but her eyes were sort of amber color . When she was crawling one day , she fell out of the door . She hit her head on the rock that served as a door - step , and was knocked unconscious . She had a tiny dent in her forehead to remember the incident for the rest of her life . After Jewell was born , Luther had a chance to buy thirty acres at a good price . This place was just west of Ed and Rhoda 's small farm . It did not have a house on it . That was the reason it was so cheap . They decided they could build a log house , because logs were plentiful . Luther and Ed , with Ray 's help , could cut and square up enough to build the house . After the logs were ready , the relatives and neighbors came for the house raising . The women brought lots of country cooked food for dinner , and the men brought their teams and chains to drag the hewed logs out of the timber , to the site selected for the house . A man sat at each corner of the house to notch the ends of each log as it was lifted in place . This was so it would fit on the log below without leaving a big crack . Ray was only ten years old , but he could already swing an ax pretty well , and he was told to sit at one corner and keep that side notched out . He was proud to be chosen to do this job , and tried extra hard to do it right . After the logs were in place , the floor and roof were nailed on . These were made of boards sawed out of native oak logs at a local sawmill . The neighbors were all thanked for their help , and they went home . The house was almost done . All that was left was to make shingles for the roof . This was done with a tool called a frow , which was like a long knife with a handle on each end . A large block of white oak was set on end and squared off , then each shingle was split by placing the frow on the block and giving it a little tap with a hammer . If this was done right , a nice shingle could be split off with a twist of the handles . Those shingles were then nailed to the roof . Then , Luther hitched up his team and drove to a clay bank to get clay to chink up the cracks in the logs . All of the children helped with this chore . This house was made in the same fashion as most of the other houses in the Ozarks . It had one large room , with a stairway enclosed along one wall , leading to a room upstairs where all the children slept , two and three in a bed . A smaller room was built on the north side , to serve as the kitchen . These houses did not have any plumbing or electricity . The electric lines did not run that far out into the country . Water was carried from the well Luther and Ray dug a short way from the house . A pail of water and a wash basin was set on a bench along one side of the kitchen wall . This is where everyone in the family washed up . Baths were taken in a wash tub in the kitchen , in water heated in the big iron kitchen range . The rest of the bath room was out in the yard . This the way most of their neighbors lived , except that some of the other houses were made entirely of native lumber . Lessie was so proud of her new home , all new and clean . She worked hard so it would stay that way . Luther 's cousin , Billy Woods , said " Lessie was such a good housekeeper that you could eat off of her bare floors , they were so clean . " She must have taught all of her girls to clean , too , because when they grew up and married , they were just as particular about their homes as Lessie was . Ray finally got a baby brother on December 1 , 1931 . By then Ray knew the doctor did not bring babies in a black bag ! The baby was named Billy Joe . He had dark hair and blue - grey eyes . Luther considered himself quite a trader . Ray said , " Just as soon as Dad had a team broke so it would work good , he would trade it off and get one that wasn 't broke at all , just so he could draw a little boot . He would trade for anything . " A few years after Billy was born , Luther traded around and brought home an organ , the very thing Lessie dreamed of having . One day , Mom saw him coming home and she couldn 't quite make out what he had in the wagon . At first , she thought it might be a kitchen safe , but it wasn 't . When Dad got closer she saw what it was . It was an organ ! It was a dream come true . After that , when Mom came home from church , she would sit down at her organ and play the songs they sang that day . She could pick out the tune by ear , if she heard it once . She planned to teach all the girls to play when they were old enough . " Times were hard in the great depression of the thirties , and the folks in the Ozarks had a tough time making ends meet , just as the people in other parts of the country . They raised a . large garden , and Lessie and the girls canned all that they didn 't eat in the summer , so they would have vegetables to eat in the winter . Luther and Lessie cut wood to sell in Humansville in winter , too . As soon as Ray got big enough , he quit school to help Luther , so Lessie could stay in the house , as she had enough to do there , taking care of all the family chores . All of the children picked black - berries to sell in Humansville . They bought school clothes with most of the money . They kept some of it to spend at the Humansville Reunion , held every year in July . The whole family went in the wagon . They took a big basket of lunch with them , to eat at noon . It would be late when they got home . Everyone from miles around came , and it was the only time all year that they would see some of their friends and kinfolks . It was like a carnival and picnic all rolled into one . Maybe that is why a carnival is still called a picnic in the Ozarks . The girls made a play beauty shop out under a big tree . Wild grape vines hung down all around to close it in . They cut one of the vines and caught the sap and used this to wave each others hair with . When they could talk Ray and Billy into coming to their shop , they waved their hair too . Maybe that is the reason both of the boys had wavy hair . It was just as well the family did not know what the future held in store for them . They were happy as they worked and played . They all went to church on Sunday . The children walked two miles to the little one room school house on weekdays . This school was called Liberty , one teacher taught all the grades , first through eighth . One of their teachers , Miss Georgia , rode a saddle horse to school . Ray liked her , because she let him out of school early so he could ride her horse up and down the road . Then it wouldn 't be too frisky when she rode him home . The best time of the school year was the pie suppers . This event was held every fall at the school house . The children practiced for weeks on the play that they performed , before the bidding started on the pies . All the girls baked a pie to take , and it was sold to the highest bidder . The money raised was used to buy something for the school . The girls wrapped their pies in pretty boxes . The boys were not supposed to know whose box was whose . Of course , the girls always let their best beau know the color of their boxes , so they would know which one to bid on . The boys and girls sat together and ate the pie . Sometimes , if they were old enough , the boys asked the girl if he could walk her home . That is the way many couples met and later married . If several boys bid on the same girls pie , that meant she was real popular . A girl was happy if her pie brought a high price . One year , Lois remembered there was a big fight , and one of the young men used his knife to win . He cut the other boy up real bad . He bought her pie , and when he came in to sit beside her and eat , he started to cut the pie with his bloody knife . That made Lois so sick , she refused to eat with him . Ray saved his money for weeks . When the bidding started , he forgot what color his girl had said her pie was wrapped in . He bought the wrong pie . When Ray discovered the pie he bought belonged to a little girl , too young to even go to school , he tried to trade it off to some of the other boys . He could not fool them though , so he was a good sport and ate with the little girl . His friends sure teased him about that . He did not mind the teasing so much . He felt he had wasted his hard earned money . Then , to make matters worse , his girl got mad at him , just because he had forgotten her hint about her pie . She would not even let him walk her home that night . Ray was twelve years old when he started working for their neighbors , the Kellers . They gave him fifty cents a day for his days work . Best of all , he ate lunch and supper with them , too . The women were good cooks , and it seemed like he was always hungry . He was tall for his age , and a little on the skinny side . He was six feet tall when he stopped growing . Mrs . Keller always put his money in an envelope , and she pinned it to his overall bib so he wouldn 't lose it as he walked home . Ray didn 't think that was necessary , but he never told her , because he didn 't want to hurt her feelings . Unless he needed something , Ray gave his money to his mother to buy food for the family . Sometimes the girls worked too . Lois earned a quarter once , the first time she had ever had that much money . When she got home , her mother asked her what she was going to buy with all of that money . Lois didn 't have any idea what a quarter would buy and she asked , " Do you think daddy could find me a cow I could buy ? " She was often teased about her quarter cow . Ray and his sisters often found Indian arrow heads around Turkey Creek . These relics were lost by the Sac and Osage tribes , many years before the children were born . Laswells General Store in Arnica gave them penny candy for all they could find . The children didn 't know that in a few years the relics would become scarce , and be worth a lot more money . When they had a few arrow heads saved up , they walked the three miles to Arnica . On the way they had to walk across a foot log placed over Turkey Creek . The girls were always afraid they would fall in the creek . They never did , though . Ray once worked three days for Mr . Laswell in exchange for a pair of work shoes . He received the shoes in advance , and after walking through the wet woods to earn them , they fell apart before he had them worked out . The family often went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Swindler . Luther didn 't own a car then , so they went in the wagon . One day Grandma 's fried chicken tasted a little funny . As it turned out , the chickens had been eating garlic in the garden . They were naturally flavored with it . Ray liked the garlic taste . Some of the others in the family didn 't like the chicken at all though . Frank Swindler suffered from dropsy and heart failure , and he died on September 5 , 1930 . Liza visited with her many children for some time . After she was crippled with arthritis and was bedfast , she lived the rest of her life with her two divorced daughters , Delpha and Alice . She died on November 5 , 1934 . Liza and Frank are buried in Alder Cemetery , several miles north east of Stockton , Missouri . The summer Ray was seventeen , tragedy struck the Routh family . The crops were all planted , and the garden was providing some early vegetables to eat . Lessie picked the first cucumbers and sliced them in vinegar for dinner . She liked them best that way . After they were through eating , Lessie began having stomach pains . Everyone thought she had eaten too many raw cucumbers . She was still very sick the next day . Luther sent some of the children to see if a neighbor , Edith Burbridge , would come over and see what she could do to help Lessie . Edith had been a nurse before she moved to the farm nearby . After she saw how sick Lessie was , she said , " I am afraid she has appendicitis , and I think she should go to the hospital right away . " Lessie did not want to go to the hospital , because she knew it would cost a lot of money , money the family needed for many other things . As the pain increased , however , Lessie told Edith she would go , if Edith would take her to town in her car . Lessie asked Lois to help her wash up and put on a clean dress . As sick as she was , Lessie wanted to look her best when she got to the hospital . She gathered her children around her and said , " Lois is in charge of the house , while I am gone . All of you be good until I get back . Lois , you be sure and watch little Billy , and keep him away from the open well . " Lessie had always been afraid Billy would fall in the well ever since Luther and Ray had dug it . She wanted them to put a cover on it , they just never had gotten around to it . The children followed Edith 's car to the back side of the field , where the lane entered the main road . Then , they sat huddled together , waiting for someone to come tell them about their mother . Ray went to town with his parents . While Lessie was getting settled in the hospital , he sat in the little park nearby , and hoped the doctor could do something to stop his mother 's pain . It was too late , however . Lessie died that day , June 30 , 1937 . She was thirty - four years old , and left five motherless children behind . She was buried close to her parents in the Alder Cemetery . The children learned the hard way that the old saying , " Mother is the heart of the home . " , was so true . Ray said , " I never felt like I had a home after Mom died , until I married and had a home of my own . " Luther and the older children struggled along , trying to keep everything running smoothly . They were thankful they lived so close to Grandpa and Grandma Routh , so they could get help and advice when they needed it . The month of July went by in a daze . Then August came , and fate dealt the family another blow . Grandma was sick . She had tried so hard to fill Lessie 's place , and she was too tired to fight her own illness . When it became clear how sick she was , everyone prayed she would get well . Surely God would not let her die , too . The Routh family were all of the Baptist faith and they believed in the power of prayer . It seemed like God had turned his back on them , because Rhoda died on August 3 , 1937 , just a little over a month after Lessie 's death . The family was in a state of shock , as they followed their grandma to the Simerall graveyard . They tried to believe the preacher when he told them , " God must need your grandma and mother in heaven , and if you are good , you will see them there someday . " The children couldn 't understand how God could possibly need their grandma and mammy more than they did . They felt as if they just could not go on . Somehow , as the days passed , they found the courage to go about their daily lives . Luther must have felt as lost as the children , maybe more so . He had always depended on his mother and his wife for so many things . He thought a woman was needed in the house to help . On October 22 of the same year , Luther married Alice Smith . He brought her and her three children , Audra , Gladys and Johnny to live with them . Alice was Lessie 's youngest sister , and Luther hoped the children would accept her presence in the home rather than a stranger . He was mistaken though . It wasn 't because they didn 't like their Aunt Alice , they just resented her . Maybe , it was too soon after their mother 's death . Maybe , they thought it was too crowded in the small log house for all of them . Whatever the reasons , the oldest ones began leaving home . Lois and Jewell took turns keeping house for their grandpa , Ed . Ruby stayed home and took care of Billy until she graduated from the eighth grade . Then she left to make her own way in the world . Ray worked anywhere he could find work . He knew he could always stay at his grandpas house between jobs . Ray traded a calf for his first car . It was a Model T , it didn 't even have a battery , so he pushed it down hill to get it started . He always saw to it that when he stopped , he parked on a hill . Then he could get the car started again . If he went out at night , he hung a lantern in front , so he could see to drive . Ray went to visit his Uncle Jim Swindler , near Lathrop , Missouri . He worked for a farmer nearby , and hoped to save enough money to buy a better car . He sent some money home to his dad to buy seed potatoes , and spent all the rest for other things . He returned home almost as broke as he was when he left . It was after he was home for awhile that Ray met a new boy , Clifford Goodman , in Humansville one day . Clifford 's family had moved to the Ozarks a few months before . Ray went home with him that night . Ray noticed Clifford 's sister standing around , her name was Josephine . She was a short girl about thirteen , with gray eyes and brown hair , cut short like a boy . She was barefoot , and dressed in an old pair of Clifford 's overalls . She looked like a tomboy to Ray . The thing about her that puzzled him the most , was the way she kept turning around to keep facing him all the time . What he did not know until much later , was that she had a big hole in the seat of the overalls and she was afraid he would see her underpants ! Josephine 's mother thought Ray was just about the shyest boy she had ever seen . 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It was a nice spring morning on April 8 , 1920 . Luther was plowing one of his fields , getting it ready to plant corn . He looked up and saw his cousin , Clarence Castlebury , running up waving his arms . When he was within shouting distance Clarence said , " Jessie wants you to go for Dr . Dill right away . " In those days the telephone lines didn 't go out into the country , so Luther had to saddle his horse and ride to Humansville , seven miles away , to get the doctor to come to the house . Women always had their babies at home then . They named the baby Ray Edward . Then his other grandpa , Frank Swindler , heard that he was named after Ed , his feelings were hurt . Lessie added the name Francis , in front of Ray , just to keep peace in the family . It wasn 't until forty years later when he received his birth certificate that Ray learned that Francis wasn 't his first name after all . His parents had called him Ray from the first day after he was born . He liked that name better anyway . Ray was a fat , chubby baby with blue eyes and light brown hair that curled when he was older . When he was a baby , all the mothers dressed their babies , boys and girls , in long dresses . Ed always told this story about Ray and his long dress . " Well , " Ed . said , " Ray was just a little feller and he was a crawling around out in the yard , and he catched his dress on a little stick , a sticking up out of the ground . He just kept on pullin ' and tuggin ' until he tore that dress clear offin ' hisself . Lessie didn 't like that one bit , but we was all laughin ' so hard , she started to laugh too . " All of his life , Ray couldn 't stand to be caught in a tight place . Ray was taken to his great - grandparents house when he was a little boy . Scott Castlebury would let him play with the hitch reins , because he knew Ray would put them back where they belonged when he was through playing . Scott and Lary lived on a little farm just east of Ed and Rhoda 's at that time . Scott died on April 15 , 1922 and after he died , Lary went to live with her daughter , Rhoda . Luther and Lessie moved to a farm near the small community of Hickory Grove , about seven miles from his parents . This place had a nice frame house on it , and Lessie hoped they would stay there because it was a nice farm , and she thought they could do well there . On March 23 , 1924 , when Ray was four years old , he was told that the doctor had brought a new sister out to the house in his little black bag . The new baby was named Lois Nadine , and Ray soon found out he had to share his mother 's time with this new baby . Soon after Lois was born , Luther got sick and wanted to go home to his mother . He thought she could help him get well . Lessie and a neighbor lady were trying to harness the team . When Ray saw that they were doing it all wrong he said , " You women don 't know shit from tar about harnessing a team . " When Lessie got through giving him a good scolding about using such bad words , he showed them how to do it right . Luther wasn 't happy being so far away from his parents , so they moved into the house where Scott Castlebury had lived . One night Ray was shaken awake and told to run over to his Grandma Routh 's house and tell her Lessie was sick , and to hurry to their house . He had to run about a half mile through the woods . It was dark , and he was so scared , and he ran so fast that he lost one of his shoes . This was on February 22 , 1926 . It must have been cold , but Ray didn 't stop to get his shoe then . They picked it up when Ed took him home the next day . Ray was sure surprised to find another baby in bed with his mother . He couldn 't figure out why his mother was so sick if the new baby sister was brought in the doctor ' bag as he was told . This sister was named Ruby Marie . She had dark hair and sky blue eyes like her mother . After Ruby was born , the family moved even closer to Grandpa and Grandma Routh . This time back to the same log house where Ray was born several years before . It was about this time that Great - Grandma Castlebury died , on November 7 , 1928 . She was dressed and made ready for burial in the house . Ray remembered her as a little gray haired skinny woman . He was in the house when she died . The next day she was taken down the steep Turkey Creek hill on a wagon to the old Simerell graveyard , where she was laid to rest beside her husband , Scott . She left no money to pay for the funeral expenses , so Ed borrowed money to pay for it . He was a proud man and didn 't want the county to bury any of his kinfolks . Ed never had much money in his life , but he always liked to take care of his own . When Ray was about eight , he wanted to help his daddy cut corn . Luther told him to go play and leave him alone , because he was too busy to fool with him . Ray went to his grandpa Ed , and asked him if he could use a little help . Ed gave him an old corn knife just to humor him , and showed him how to use it . Ray couldn 't lift the heavy knife with one hand , so he used both hands , and cut the corn like he was chopping wood . Ed thought Ray would get tired working and go play but , he was surprised when Ray worked all day with him . He said , " Ray cut a lot more corn than I thought he would . " Ray later said , " I wish I hadn 't learned so well , because when Dad saw how much corn I could cut , he made me help him every day after that . I liked to help Grandpa best , because he never got mad at me if 1 did something wrong . I told my boys I had to go to work in the fields when I was so young , that I had to go back to the house so my mother could change my diaper . That was an exaggeration of course . It seemed like I was born working , though . " It was while they lived north of Ed 's that Luther traded for a pair of burros , named Jack and Jenny . He brought them home and shut Jenny up in a shed . Rav and Luther were planning to ride Jack over to Ed 's house . Jack did not want to leave Jenny , so Luther whipped him . He reared up and threw Luther into a pile of ashes near the house . Luther was very mad . He got up and started beating Jack with a board , forgetting Ray was still on his back . The burro started running , and Ray couldn 't hold him back . He was holding on for dear life , hoping Jack would stop running when they got to his grandpas house . But , instead , he stopped dead still and reared up in the air . Then he turned around and ran back to the shed where Jenny was and stopped there . It had been a wild ride , but Ray was still on Jack 's back when he stopped running . Luther and Ray tried to work the team of burros , but they did not work out very well , and Luther traded them off the first chance he got . He was glad to get rid of them . Children did not have many toys then . The only ones Ray could remember that he didn 't make , were a couple of cast iron horses . One of them was black . The other one was light colored and was pulling a little cart . Ray thought Luther bought them in a box of other things at a farm sale . One Christmas , Ray got a shotgun that shot a cork on a string . All of his other toys he made for himself . He made a stable full of horses out of sticks . he used little pieces of leather to make bridles for them . He put a rail out behind the barn so he could tie his stick horses up at night so they would not run away . Ray made a sling shot that he made from a forked limb , and strips of rubber from old inner tubes . He called it a " nigger shooter " . He picked up some ball bearings at town , and he got so good shooting this sling shot that he could kill squirrels with it to eat . One day he saw a little mother wren sitting on the corner of the house , so he drew back his sling and shot at it . He never thought he could hit such a tiny target . He almost cried when the wren fell dead at his feet . After that , he found out she had babies still in the nest . He dug worms and put them where the daddy bird could find them easily and feed the little ones . Ray never shot at another bird after that . He had learned his lesson . Lessie 's third daughter was born in the same log house that Ray was , on May 31 , 1928 . She was named Jewell Mae . She was light haired , but her eyes were sort of amber color . When she was crawling one day , she fell out of the door . She hit her head on the rock that served as a door - step , and was knocked unconscious . She had a tiny dent in her forehead to remember the incident for the rest of her life . After Jewell was born , Luther had a chance to buy thirty acres at a good price . This place was just west of Ed and Rhoda 's small farm . It did not have a house on it . That was the reason it was so cheap . They decided they could build a log house , because logs were plentiful . Luther and Ed , with Ray 's help , could cut and square up enough to build the house . After the logs were ready , the relatives and neighbors came for the house raising . The women brought lots of country cooked food for dinner , and the men brought their teams and chains to drag the hewed logs out of the timber , to the site selected for the house . A man sat at each corner of the house to notch the ends of each log as it was lifted in place . This was so it would fit on the log below without leaving a big crack . Ray was only ten years old , but he could already swing an ax pretty well , and he was told to sit at one corner and keep that side notched out . He was proud to be chosen to do this job , and tried extra hard to do it right . After the logs were in place , the floor and roof were nailed on . These were made of boards sawed out of native oak logs at a local sawmill . The neighbors were all thanked for their help , and they went home . The house was almost done . All that was left was to make shingles for the roof . This was done with a tool called a frow , which was like a long knife with a handle on each end . A large block of white oak was set on end and squared off , then each shingle was split by placing the frow on the block and giving it a little tap with a hammer . If this was done right , a nice shingle could be split off with a twist of the handles . Those shingles were then nailed to the roof . Then , Luther hitched up his team and drove to a clay bank to get clay to chink up the cracks in the logs . All of the children helped with this chore . This house was made in the same fashion as most of the other houses in the Ozarks . It had one large room , with a stairway enclosed along one wall , leading to a room upstairs where all the children slept , two and three in a bed . A smaller room was built on the north side , to serve as the kitchen . These houses did not have any plumbing or electricity . The electric lines did not run that far out into the country . Water was carried from the well Luther and Ray dug a short way from the house . A pail of water and a wash basin was set on a bench along one side of the kitchen wall . This is where everyone in the family washed up . Baths were taken in a wash tub in the kitchen , in water heated in the big iron kitchen range . The rest of the bath room was out in the yard . This the way most of their neighbors lived , except that some of the other houses were made entirely of native lumber . Lessie was so proud of her new home , all new and clean . She worked hard so it would stay that way . Luther 's cousin , Billy Woods , said " Lessie was such a good housekeeper that you could eat off of her bare floors , they were so clean . " She must have taught all of her girls to clean , too , because when they grew up and married , they were just as particular about their homes as Lessie was . Ray finally got a baby brother on December 1 , 1931 . By then Ray knew the doctor did not bring babies in a black bag ! The baby was named Billy Joe . He had dark hair and blue - grey eyes . Luther considered himself quite a trader . Ray said , " Just as soon as Dad had a team broke so it would work good , he would trade it off and get one that wasn 't broke at all , just so he could draw a little boot . He would trade for anything . " A few years after Billy was born , Luther traded around and brought home an organ , the very thing Lessie dreamed of having . One day , Mom saw him coming home and she couldn 't quite make out what he had in the wagon . At first , she thought it might be a kitchen safe , but it wasn 't . When Dad got closer she saw what it was . It was an organ ! It was a dream come true . After that , when Mom came home from church , she would sit down at her organ and play the songs they sang that day . She could pick out the tune by ear , if she heard it once . She planned to teach all the girls to play when they were old enough . " Times were hard in the great depression of the thirties , and the folks in the Ozarks had a tough time making ends meet , just as the people in other parts of the country . They raised a . large garden , and Lessie and the girls canned all that they didn 't eat in the summer , so they would have vegetables to eat in the winter . Luther and Lessie cut wood to sell in Humansville in winter , too . As soon as Ray got big enough , he quit school to help Luther , so Lessie could stay in the house , as she had enough to do there , taking care of all the family chores . All of the children picked black - berries to sell in Humansville . They bought school clothes with most of the money . They kept some of it to spend at the Humansville Reunion , held every year in July . The whole family went in the wagon . They took a big basket of lunch with them , to eat at noon . It would be late when they got home . Everyone from miles around came , and it was the only time all year that they would see some of their friends and kinfolks . It was like a carnival and picnic all rolled into one . Maybe that is why a carnival is still called a picnic in the Ozarks . The girls made a play beauty shop out under a big tree . Wild grape vines hung down all around to close it in . They cut one of the vines and caught the sap and used this to wave each others hair with . When they could talk Ray and Billy into coming to their shop , they waved their hair too . Maybe that is the reason both of the boys had wavy hair . It was just as well the family did not know what the future held in store for them . They were happy as they worked and played . They all went to church on Sunday . The children walked two miles to the little one room school house on weekdays . This school was called Liberty , one teacher taught all the grades , first through eighth . One of their teachers , Miss Georgia , rode a saddle horse to school . Ray liked her , because she let him out of school early so he could ride her horse up and down the road . Then it wouldn 't be too frisky when she rode him home . The best time of the school year was the pie suppers . This event was held every fall at the school house . The children practiced for weeks on the play that they performed , before the bidding started on the pies . All the girls baked a pie to take , and it was sold to the highest bidder . The money raised was used to buy something for the school . The girls wrapped their pies in pretty boxes . The boys were not supposed to know whose box was whose . Of course , the girls always let their best beau know the color of their boxes , so they would know which one to bid on . The boys and girls sat together and ate the pie . Sometimes , if they were old enough , the boys asked the girl if he could walk her home . That is the way many couples met and later married . If several boys bid on the same girls pie , that meant she was real popular . A girl was happy if her pie brought a high price . One year , Lois remembered there was a big fight , and one of the young men used his knife to win . He cut the other boy up real bad . He bought her pie , and when he came in to sit beside her and eat , he started to cut the pie with his bloody knife . That made Lois so sick , she refused to eat with him . Ray saved his money for weeks . When the bidding started , he forgot what color his girl had said her pie was wrapped in . He bought the wrong pie . When Ray discovered the pie he bought belonged to a little girl , too young to even go to school , he tried to trade it off to some of the other boys . He could not fool them though , so he was a good sport and ate with the little girl . His friends sure teased him about that . He did not mind the teasing so much . He felt he had wasted his hard earned money . Then , to make matters worse , his girl got mad at him , just because he had forgotten her hint about her pie . She would not even let him walk her home that night . Ray was twelve years old when he started working for their neighbors , the Kellers . They gave him fifty cents a day for his days work . Best of all , he ate lunch and supper with them , too . The women were good cooks , and it seemed like he was always hungry . He was tall for his age , and a little on the skinny side . He was six feet tall when he stopped growing . Mrs . Keller always put his money in an envelope , and she pinned it to his overall bib so he wouldn 't lose it as he walked home . Ray didn 't think that was necessary , but he never told her , because he didn 't want to hurt her feelings . Unless he needed something , Ray gave his money to his mother to buy food for the family . Sometimes the girls worked too . Lois earned a quarter once , the first time she had ever had that much money . When she got home , her mother asked her what she was going to buy with all of that money . Lois didn 't have any idea what a quarter would buy and she asked , " Do you think daddy could find me a cow I could buy ? " She was often teased about her quarter cow . Ray and his sisters often found Indian arrow heads around Turkey Creek . These relics were lost by the Sac and Osage tribes , many years before the children were born . Laswells General Store in Arnica gave them penny candy for all they could find . The children didn 't know that in a few years the relics would become scarce , and be worth a lot more money . When they had a few arrow heads saved up , they walked the three miles to Arnica . On the way they had to walk across a foot log placed over Turkey Creek . The girls were always afraid they would fall in the creek . They never did , though . Ray once worked three days for Mr . Laswell in exchange for a pair of work shoes . He received the shoes in advance , and after walking through the wet woods to earn them , they fell apart before he had them worked out . The family often went to visit Grandpa and Grandma Swindler . Luther didn 't own a car then , so they went in the wagon . One day Grandma 's fried chicken tasted a little funny . As it turned out , the chickens had been eating garlic in the garden . They were naturally flavored with it . Ray liked the garlic taste . Some of the others in the family didn 't like the chicken at all though . Frank Swindler suffered from dropsy and heart failure , and he died on September 5 , 1930 . Liza visited with her many children for some time . After she was crippled with arthritis and was bedfast , she lived the rest of her life with her two divorced daughters , Delpha and Alice . She died on November 5 , 1934 . Liza and Frank are buried in Alder Cemetery , several miles north east of Stockton , Missouri . The summer Ray was seventeen , tragedy struck the Routh family . The crops were all planted , and the garden was providing some early vegetables to eat . Lessie picked the first cucumbers and sliced them in vinegar for dinner . She liked them best that way . After they were through eating , Lessie began having stomach pains . Everyone thought she had eaten too many raw cucumbers . She was still very sick the next day . Luther sent some of the children to see if a neighbor , Edith Burbridge , would come over and see what she could do to help Lessie . Edith had been a nurse before she moved to the farm nearby . After she saw how sick Lessie was , she said , " I am afraid she has appendicitis , and I think she should go to the hospital right away . " Lessie did not want to go to the hospital , because she knew it would cost a lot of money , money the family needed for many other things . As the pain increased , however , Lessie told Edith she would go , if Edith would take her to town in her car . Lessie asked Lois to help her wash up and put on a clean dress . As sick as she was , Lessie wanted to look her best when she got to the hospital . She gathered her children around her and said , " Lois is in charge of the house , while I am gone . All of you be good until I get back . Lois , you be sure and watch little Billy , and keep him away from the open well . " Lessie had always been afraid Billy would fall in the well ever since Luther and Ray had dug it . She wanted them to put a cover on it , they just never had gotten around to it . The children followed Edith 's car to the back side of the field , where the lane entered the main road . Then , they sat huddled together , waiting for someone to come tell them about their mother . Ray went to town with his parents . While Lessie was getting settled in the hospital , he sat in the little park nearby , and hoped the doctor could do something to stop his mother 's pain . It was too late , however . Lessie died that day , June 30 , 1937 . She was thirty - four years old , and left five motherless children behind . She was buried close to her parents in the Alder Cemetery . The children learned the hard way that the old saying , " Mother is the heart of the home . " , was so true . Ray said , " I never felt like I had a home after Mom died , until I married and had a home of my own . " Luther and the older children struggled along , trying to keep everything running smoothly . They were thankful they lived so close to Grandpa and Grandma Routh , so they could get help and advice when they needed it . The month of July went by in a daze . Then August came , and fate dealt the family another blow . Grandma was sick . She had tried so hard to fill Lessie 's place , and she was too tired to fight her own illness . When it became clear how sick she was , everyone prayed she would get well . Surely God would not let her die , too . The Routh family were all of the Baptist faith and they believed in the power of prayer . It seemed like God had turned his back on them , because Rhoda died on August 3 , 1937 , just a little over a month after Lessie 's death . The family was in a state of shock , as they followed their grandma to the Simerall graveyard . They tried to believe the preacher when he told them , " God must need your grandma and mother in heaven , and if you are good , you will see them there someday . " The children couldn 't understand how God could possibly need their grandma and mammy more than they did . They felt as if they just could not go on . Somehow , as the days passed , they found the courage to go about their daily lives . Luther must have felt as lost as the children , maybe more so . He had always depended on his mother and his wife for so many things . He thought a woman was needed in the house to help . On October 22 of the same year , Luther married Alice Smith . He brought her and her three children , Audra , Gladys and Johnny to live with them . Alice was Lessie 's youngest sister , and Luther hoped the children would accept her presence in the home rather than a stranger . He was mistaken though . It wasn 't because they didn 't like their Aunt Alice , they just resented her . Maybe , it was too soon after their mother 's death . Maybe , they thought it was too crowded in the small log house for all of them . Whatever the reasons , the oldest ones began leaving home . Lois and Jewell took turns keeping house for their grandpa , Ed . Ruby stayed home and took care of Billy until she graduated from the eighth grade . Then she left to make her own way in the world . Ray worked anywhere he could find work . He knew he could always stay at his grandpas house between jobs . Ray traded a calf for his first car . It was a Model T , it didn 't even have a battery , so he pushed it down hill to get it started . He always saw to it that when he stopped , he parked on a hill . Then he could get the car started again . If he went out at night , he hung a lantern in front , so he could see to drive . Ray went to visit his Uncle Jim Swindler , near Lathrop , Missouri . He worked for a farmer nearby , and hoped to save enough money to buy a better car . He sent some money home to his dad to buy seed potatoes , and spent all the rest for other things . He returned home almost as broke as he was when he left . It was after he was home for awhile that Ray met a new boy , Clifford Goodman , in Humansville one day . Clifford 's family had moved to the Ozarks a few months before . Ray went home with him that night . Ray noticed Clifford 's sister standing around , her name was Josephine . She was a short girl about thirteen , with gray eyes and brown hair , cut short like a boy . She was barefoot , and dressed in an old pair of Clifford 's overalls . She looked like a tomboy to Ray . The thing about her that puzzled him the most , was the way she kept turning around to keep facing him all the time . What he did not know until much later , was that she had a big hole in the seat of the overalls and she was afraid he would see her underpants ! Josephine 's mother thought Ray was just about the shyest boy she had ever seen . She had to urge him to take a helping of everything she had for supper . He would have done without if she hadn 't . Page specific suggestions and comments are welcome on any page except the home page , and do not require registration or login . All user submitted comments are moderated before being made public . Comments may be edited or deleted at our discretion . |
I want to make it clear that I 'm not upset with Isaac . Isaac was so good at that party . I 'd been a bit worried because he is used to being in the common area of that building when he 's not working , not in his vest , and he is used to seeing our neighbors when he is not working , not in his vest . In fact , many of our neighbors have never seen Isaac in his vest . I think a couple of them saw him the day I came to look at the apartment for the first time , and Isaac was with me , and in his vest then . But he doesn 't wear the vest in our building , normally . Most of the time , I keep it in the car . Since Isaac is used to being off duty when he sees those people , and is used to running up to great some of them quite enthusiastically , I was a bit worried he 'd want to act like that when he saw them at the party . But he didn 't . He gave them his big goofy doggie smile , and his happy tail was wagging like crazy , but he didn 't try to climb in one single person 's lap . He did not try to nuzzle anyone 's ears . I could see he was happy and excited to see people he likes , but he stayed calm and professional . He was even good when the person sitting next to me tried to feed him a bite of a cookie and I told her not to and she took it away at the last second . Oh , he looked a bit disappointed , and he gave her the sad puppy eyes to try to make her change her mind , but he didn 't whine , he didn 't beg , he didn 't stick his head in her lap and get up to try to sniff at what was on the table . He was so good . And it 's not his fault he knocked the candy dish off the table . That was my fault . I should have been paying more attention . I should have moved the candy dish or else had Isaac move so that his tail was safely away from things he could knock over . But I was so embarrassed . I was so mad at myself . I 'd worked really hard to have things go well for the party . I put so much thought and effort into Isaac 's custom , and I know it looks like a really simple costume , and it was simple to make . But I thought really hard about how to make a costume that would be cute but also be comfortable for him to move in . I wanted it to feel to him like wearing his service dog vest so that he would be in " work mode " when he was wearing it . I didn 't want anything that would feel awkward or uncomfortable to him , because I didn 't want him to act weird because he felt weird in his costume . I tried it on him several times , made alterations , tried it on again . Yesterday I cut his toenails and brushed him so he 'd be nicely groomed for the party . And things were off to such a great start . We went in , found a place to put our cookies on the snack table , greeted a few people , found someone to snap a picture of us . Isaac was behaving beautifully . And then I messed up by not noticing the dish of candy . I feel like things never go right because I always end up making stupid mistakes . The fact that I worked so hard to make things go well is probably pathetic because it should not be that hard to prepare for a stupid Halloween party . But it did take a lot of work for me . And even with all that work , I couldn 't get through the first 15 minutes without messing something up . I am anxious and depressed . I just took some more anxiety meds and I 'm going to try a hot bath and then go to bed . I had some writing to get done tonight but I don 't think that is going to happen . I 'm too anxious and depressed to concentrate . Isaac and I went to the Halloween party my apartment complex had this afternoon . I was kind of excited about it , which I guess just goes to show I need to get a life . Yesterday , I make four dozen pumpkin spice oatmeal cookies to take to the party to share . They were yummy . I ate a few last night . I wanted to take something to the party that was low enough in sugar that I could actually eat it . I had suggested to the apartment manager that perhaps they should have some sugar free treats , because many of the people that live here are elderly and I bet some are diabetic , but I didn 't think they were actually going to listen to me and I guess they didn 't . They had told me there would be Chex mix , which there was , and a cheese ball and crackers , which there was not , but I was glad I took something I could actually eat . I was excited about Isaac 's costume . I think it turned out so cute . I had to make a few alterations to it yesterday . I had initially planned to attach the cow costume to his service dog vest with double - sided tape but that seemed to come off too easily when Isaac lay down or wiggled around . So I sewed two little loops to the front corners of the cow costume , and the put the front straps of his service dog vest through those loops , so I didn 't have to mess with the tape . It worked really well . Here 's a picture of us together . I have to add that I think I look terrible in this picture . I think I look old and haggard . But Isaac looks cute . Isaac was really good at the party . He lay down under the table , until the woman in the nun costume next to me tried to feed him a bite of a cookie . Then he kept trying to wiggle his way closer to her , lifting his head to give her his sad , starving , puppy dog eyes . But he was good . When we first got there , there was this dish of candy corn on a low table . Isaac wanted to sniff it but I told him to leave it and he did . Then , a minute later , his big strong happily - wagging tail smacked the dish of candy and sent it flying . I was so embarrassed . It wasn 't Isaac 's fault , I should have noticed that the candy dish was in range of his tail and had him move . Isaac was so good he didn 't even try to sniff the candy that was all over the floor while I was crawling around , picking it up . But it made me feel really self - conscious and anxious . Monday I took Isaac to the dog park . The one nearest my home . Often we are the only ones there , but that day , there was a woman , a man , and two kids there , with three other dogs . Two were small dogs , but they had them in the " big dog " section . The third dog was a big dog and the woman had him on a leash . When Isaac and I went in , she said he was on a leash because " didn 't know how he was with other dogs . " Well , if you don 't know if your dog is friendly with other dogs , why would you bring him to a dog park ? Duh . Of course , her dog wanted to run around with the other dogs off leash . So he was barking . A lot . And she didn 't want him to bark . So she was screaming , " Shut the fuck up ! " at him . And smacking him . In the head . Over and over and over again . I was shocked . I was horrified . I 've seen people give their dogs a smack before . But not over and over and over again and not in the head . It was horrible . And the man and the two kids were just sitting there like nothing was happening . I thought about asking her to quit hitting her dog . I thought about pointing out that cussing at and hitting a dog isn 't the best way to get him to stop barking . I figured she probably didn 't want my advice , though . I ended up getting Isaac and leaving after just a few minutes . I couldn 't stand to be there , watching her hit her dog . Even if I didn 't look , I couldn 't stand hearing her scream at him over and over again . On the way out of the dog park , I looked at the sign posted at the entrance with the park rules , hoping it had a phone number for the Humane Society or something with it . I wanted to call someone to report the woman abusing her dog but I didn 't know who to call . There was a number for the county dog warden , so after Isaac and I were safely in the car , I called that number . The guy I talked to seemed unsure about whether or not I was supposed to report animal abuse to him or not , but he took the information and said he would check with his boss about what to do about it . I hope they went out to investigate . I did not stick around to find out , though . I wanted out of there . I was really upset and anxious . I took some anxiety meds and drove home and gave Isaac a big pork skin roll chew - thing . I feel so bad for that dog . Have I ever mentioned how Isaac loves plastic soda bottles ? He likes water bottles , too , but they seem to be made from thinner plastic in many cases and don 't last him quite as long , champion chewer that he is . He loves the 16 ounce single - serving bottles and two liter bottles . You 'd think he had no toys whatsoever , the way he gets so excited over a soda bottle , chewing it and throwing it and catching it . He adores them . My neighbors think it 's hilarious to watch him play with one . Many of them have taken to saving their soda bottles for Isaac . They leave their empty soda bottles in the hall outside my door sometimes . When a new guy moved into the building , more than one neighbor informed him that he was supposed to save his soda bottles for Isaac . It 's a bit of a problem when Isaac spots one of my neighbors drinking a soda and wants the bottle before they are finished with their drink . He seems to expect them to pour out their drink so he can have the bottle right away . Of course , the fact that one of my neighbors actually did that a couple times probably encouraged him to expect that . Isaac and I just came in from our before - bed potty outing and found three soda bottles outside the door . I put two away for later and Isaac quickly chewed up the other . Now he is lying on his blankie , snuggling it . I recently heard a sad story about a woman whose service dog got a bottle of prescription medication off the kitchen counter , managed to open it , and ate about 90 pills . I 'm not sure what the medication was , but 90 pills were not good for the dog . The dog 's owner rushed him to the vet and after several days of veterinary care , and several thousand dollars , I 'm sure , the dog is recovering at home and will probably make a full recovery . He may have some lifelong kidney problems , they aren 't sure yet . This dog had never gotten anything off the counter before . He 'd retrieved prescription medication bottles for his handler but never chewed on them or shown any interest in doing so . She doesn 't have any idea why he decided to get this bottle off the counter and chew it open and eat the pills . This story worried me . I keep medications in a few different places . Most of my medications , including prescriptions , over - the - counter meds , vitamins , and herbal stuff , are in my linen closet . I have a small supply of meds to be taken as needed in my purse , which is normally on my kitchen counter . There are some pain meds and anxiety meds in a small vinyl bag on top of an end table in my living room , which is what Isaac fetches for me when I need him to do that . Then there is about a one - week supply of meds and vitamins sorted into one of those weekly pill containers that have little boxes for each day of the week , which I 'd been keeping on my coffee table . The meds on the coffee table are what I worried about when I heard the story of the service dog that ate the prescription meds off the kitchen counter . I 'd been keeping them on the coffee table because I take pills from that container three or four times a day . It needs to be within easy reach so I don 't put off taking them or forget to take them . When I first got Isaac almost a year ago , I was careful to keep meds out of his reach . But he never bothers them . Isaac never counter surfs . He never chews anything that is not a toy meant to be chewed by him . He 's never chewed a single shoe . If I drop a bottle of pills , he picks it up for me and gives it to me with no interest in playing with it or chewing it . Sometimes if he picks up something like a sock , he gives it a playful little shake , but not pill bottles . Never , not in a whole year . That 's what the owner of the service dog that ate the pills thought , though . She thought her pills were OK on the kitchen counter . Then her dog almost died . I decided I cannot keep pills on the coffee table anymore . I have a plastic container , about the size and shape of a picnic basket , that holds craft supplies . I keep whatever craft I am currently working on in it and keep it beside the couch . I put the pills in that container . I imagine Isaac could knock the lid off the container and get to the pills if he tried hard enough , but I think they are safe enough in there . It 's not like when they were just sitting on the coffee table where he could grab them , or knock them off wagging his big tail , and then decided to snack on them . He has this toy that is shaped like a twig . It 's about as big around as the cardboard tube in a roll of toilet paper . It 's hollow in the middle . However , he 's gnawed one end of it so much that that end is pretty much closed . He hadn 't played with this toy for a long time but recently pulled it out of his toy basket . So I stuck a treat in it for him . The treat was in there pretty loosely . All he would need to do to get it to fall out is turn the toy so that the opening pointed down . Well , since he knew the treat was in the opening , he held the twig between his paws with the opening pointed up . He then chewed enthusiastically , hoping to chew through the toy to get to the treat . That did not work . Eventually , he picked up the toy and threw it . He does that with many of his toys if there are treats in them , hoping the treats will fall out . Sometimes they do . He also tries that with toys that have sticky stuff like peanut butter in them , but of course , peanut butter does not fall out . If throwing it himself doesn 't work , he eventually brings the toy to me . I can throw it harder than he can , so the treats are more likely to fall out when I throw it . Or if they are really stuck in there good , I can get them out . He likes getting them out himself , but he 's willing to ask for my help when he needs to . I finally got the total from the church fundraiser for Isaac , which was nearly a month ago . I was starting to get concerned because they hadn 't sent the money to Isaac 's program and hadn 't gotten back to me to let me know how much it was , and I was wondering what I would do , or could do , if they didn 't send the money for some reason . But they finally did . They raised $ 330 , which I think is fantastic . Isaac and I are very appreciative . I sleep alone these days and to be honest , most of the time I prefer it that way . There is no one to hog the bed ( or the couch , since that is where I sleep most of the time ) or the blankets other than Cayenne , and since she weighs seven pounds , I win any tug - o - war over the blankets or any territorial dispute over couch space . The main reason I prefer sleeping alone , other than the fact that I just don 't have any person I really want sharing my bed at the moment , at least not in an , umm , sexual way , is that I just don 't sleep well . I wake up a lot , I toss and turn , I sleep a few hours if I 'm lucky and then I 'm up for an hour or two . I disturb anyone that shares my bed and I don 't like to bother people when they are sleeping . For gosh sakes , Isaac won 't even sleep with me most nights because I am so restless in my sleep . And I need the light on most nights and most other people I know prefer to sleep in the dark . Go figure . The last few weeks , though , my sleep has been worse than usual . I think it 's due to all the dental problems I 've been dealing with . I 've had more stress , more pain , more nightmares , my bad memories , more flashbacks , that kind of stuff . It is now a little after midnight and I got about an hour 's restless sleep before getting up again . I am exhausted but I can 't sleep . What I wish right now is that I had someone here with me . I 'd feel safer . I want someone to hold me , someone that doesn 't care if I am restless and keep them awake . Someone to hold me and tell me I 'm safe , to comfort me and soothe me and help me rest . How weird is it that I 'm sitting here thinking of who I might be able to call and ask to come over tomorrow and take a nap with me ? That 's pretty weird , huh ? I haven 't written much here about the actual experiences that led to my developing PTSD . I 'm not going to provide a lot of details because , well , people don 't need to know them , they may be triggering to some people , and it 's hard for me to talk about . I 'm going to talk about some of it now , though . Last night was a really rough night for me , which happens sometimes , and sometimes talking - or writing - about it helps . I was sexually abused by a close family member from about the ages of six through 12 . I 'm a bit hesitant to say that the abuse I suffered was " really bad " because that makes it sound like there is some abuse that isn 't really bad , and I don 't think that 's the case at all . Any abuse of a child is really bad . But , well , what I experienced . . . it was really bad . I keep remembering being really scared and being totally helpless . Wanting to be able to do something and not being able to . Having to just lie there and let things happen to me . I feel it in my body , this desire to fight back , and not being able to . Having to be quiet and be still and wanting so much to scream and to fight . Want to know the hardest thing about living with these memories ? It 's just that - living with them . The hardest part comes after you 've worked through the feelings , remembered it , talked about it , done all the work . And then you just have to rest with it . Hold it inside you , incorporate it into the very fabric of your soul , know that it 's yours . It happened and you can 't change it and you just have to live with it , from now until forever . That 's the hardest part . A couple weeks ago , this woman complained that she was asked to leave a store because she had a service dog with her . The store manager says she was asked to leave because , when questioned about her dog , she became confrontational . Apparently at one point , she said she wanted to be allowed to shop after the store had closed with her dog so that the dog would not bother other customers . She got angry when she was told she would not be allowed to shop outside of the store 's regular business hours . Now , her " service dog " has bitten another customer in a pet store . The bite was severe enough that the other customer required stitches . I know a lot of details are missing from this brief article , but it does not sound as if the dog was provoked in any way . The owner of the dog is trying to minimize the problem , saying it was more of a " nip " than a bite . Um , yeah . . . a nip would not require stitches . That 's a bite . She says she 'll be getting some additional obedience training for her dog . I really hope she doesn 't mean that she intends to continue taking this dog out in public and calling it a " service dog . " But that 's what it sounds like . And she seems to think she is entitled to all kinds of special treatment , like stores should allow her to shop whenever she wants , even when they are closed , and she should be allowed to take her dog that bites into stores with her . I 'm putting " service dog " in quotes because I am very skeptical that her dog is actually a trained service dog . Properly trained service dogs do not bite people in stores . They just don 't . For that matter , properly socialized puppies don 't bite people , not without some sort of provocation . But trained service dogs ? They don 't bite people in stores . They don 't bite people that startle them , that grab them from behind , that hug them too hard , that pull their tails or ears , that stick their fingers in their noses or mouths . Seriously . They don 't . You can stick your hand in Isaac 's mouth and he will not bite you . Now , I do not recommend going up to service dogs you happen to meet and sticking your hands in their mouths . But if you did that , they should not bite you . Because kids do that . Toddlers will come up to service dogs , and for some reason I do not understand their parents will let them , and stick their little fingers in their noses and mouths . And pull their tails and ears , and try to climb on them and ride them like horses , and all sorts of other things . And Isaac does not bite them . He does not snap at them or growl at them . If they are really bothering him , he will turn his head away . That 's it . So this woman 's dog is not a properly trained service dog . And it should not be taken in public around other people again . Never . And I am offended that she is calling the dog a service dog because some people will then think that service dogs might bite . The manager of the pet store said that the pet store had to pay for the customer 's medical bills . Business owners are not going to want service dogs in their stores if they think service dogs might bite their customers and they will have to pay for their medical bills . By the way , the owner of the dog should have paid for the medical bills . I hope the pet store sues her to recover those costs . If the dog was a real service dog , the owner should have had insurance that would cover a bite . My renter 's insurance covers it , if Isaac bites someone . And yes , the insurance covers it even if the bite occurs outside of my home . I know I just got done saying Isaac would never bite anyone , but I have insurance anyway , just in case , because that is what responsible pet owners and service dog owners are supposed to do . But insurance is not going to cover it if your poorly socialized pet bites someone when you take it to a store pretending it is a service dog . I 've been taking a lot of pictures of Cayenne lately . I think I want to take pictures while she 's still here . Seven years ago , my cat Eileen died and I only have a few pictures of her . I wish so much I had taken more . As I mentioned a few days ago , my apartment complex is having a Halloween party and Isaac and I plan to go . There are prizes for the best costumes . I am going to dress as a farmer and Isaac is going to be a cow . I spent most of the day yesterday working on his costume . I was supposed to be writing some articles about mold . Making his costume seemed a lot more fun . I bought some black and white calico from JoAnn Fabrics that looked like a cow . It was really thin , like calico tends to be , so I thought the color of his vest would show through it , and a green cow was not the look I was going for , so I bought some white flannel to put under it . I found a remnant of pink terrycloth to use to make an udder . All in all , I spent about $ 8 . Yesterday I baked myself a cake . I had decided , since I would be spending my birthday alone ( well , with Isaac and Cayenne , but otherwise alone ) , that I would make myself a cake . It was a huge baking fail . First , I had decided I wanted a lemon cake but it is impossible to find sugar free lemon cake mix , so I bought a sugar free yellow cake mix and some lemon extract . I bought lemon frosting . When I was baking the cake , though , right after I 'd added the extract , I realize I had somehow picked up orange extract , not lemon . So I thought , OK , I 'd have orange cake with lemon frosting . That would probably taste OK , still , right ? Then the cake stuck to the pans . I used non - stick cake pans AND I remembered to spray them with non - stick cooking spray , but somehow they managed to stick anyway . And I mean , they stuck bad . So , OK , my cake was not going to be very pretty . It would still taste the same , right ? Yeah , I guess . It depressed me . It was a typical over - reaction , which I have sometimes due to my anxiety and depression and stuff . All I wanted for my birthday was a stupid lemon cake and that wouldn 't even turn out right . I sat down on the floor and cried for a while . Isaac came over and lay beside me and insisted on a belly rub . I felt better , got up , and cut the cake up into cubes . I put some in a dish , put a spoonful of frosting on top of it , and a scoop of no sugar added vanilla ice cream on top of that , and ate it . It tasted all right . Birthdays are hard when you 're alone . I mean , I 'm not totally alone , I have friends . . . but not a lot of close friends . And a couple of my good friends live far away . So I am here , in my apartment , alone on my birthday . I made myself a cake because no one else was going to make me one . I thought about buying myself a gift , but since I still owe the dentist $ 1 , 195 for my bridge , I decided new teeth would count as my birthday gift to myself . But no one else is giving me anything . No one has sent a birthday card . It 's easy to get depressed and think no one cares that it 's my birthday and it wouldn 't matter if I had never been born . But I don 't want to go there . Cayenne finally settled early this morning and has seemed fine all day . I did call her vet and unfortunately he will not give me any pain meds for her without seeing her . I kind of understand why but in this situation I don 't think it 's very reasonable of him . He knows she has cancer . It 's understandable that she might have some pain . He 's been treating her for many years . It 's not the same as if I had called Isaac 's vet when he was limping and asked for pain meds when we didn 't even know the cause of the limp . And it 's a 40 - minute drive to the vet 's office , which I don 't mind but Cayenne does . Last time she rode in the car , she puked all over herself . Riding in the car and going to the vet is very stressful for her . I don 't want to cause her stress or discomfort when she seems to be feeling OK . I guess I will take her to the vet sometime soon just to get her checked out and to get some pain meds so I can have them on hand . I didn 't want to do it today . But it is possible she will begin to have pain at some point , maybe a lot of pain . When that happens , I will have her euthanized but what if it happens in the middle of the night ? I want to be able to give her something to help her until I can get her to the vet . About 15 years ago , I had a cat with feline leukemia . The last few days of her life , she seemed very peaceful . I knew the end was near . She was just sleeping on the bed . She wasn 't eating , drinking , peeing , anything . I thought she would just die in her sleep . Then one night about midnight , she began having seizures . It was horrible . She fell off the bed , seizing . She howled , these horrible , heart - wrenching howls . I don 't know if she was in pain or if the howling was just part of the seizure activity , but it sounded like she was in excruciating pain . I cried with her all night long . It was probably the longest night of my life . I was waiting in the parking lot at the vet 's office when she arrived in the morning and she was euthanized , but I felt so terrible for allowing her to spend her last night on earth like that . I should have had her euthanized sooner . I didn 't want to do it too soon , but I ended up waiting too long . I don 't want that to happen to Cayenne . And I don 't want it to happen to me . I don 't want to spend another night like that . I was living with a partner then , and it was still terrible , but I really don 't want to go through that alone . I know just a few days ago , I was posting about how she seemed to be doing better . She seemed fine all day today , but for the past couple of hours , she seems to be pretty uncomfortable . She is sleeping , but she sleeps for a short time , ten or 15 minutes , then gets up suddenly , moves around , changes position , then lies back down and goes back to sleep . I think something is hurting her . It 's like she 's trying to find a way to lie down that isn 't uncomfortable but can 't . I wish I had some sort of pain medication for her . I don 't . If she still seems to be in pain in the morning , I think I will take her to the vet , but even if she doesn 't seem to be uncomfortable then , maybe I will call the vet and see if they will give me some sort of pain medication I can give her if she seems to need it in the future . I don 't know if they will give me anything without seeing her , and if she 's not in pain in the morning , I really don 't want to take her to the vet because I don 't want her to have to go through the car ride and everything . She hates that . That would make her uncomfortable and I don 't want to do that to her . But suddenly I am aware of what a long , difficult night I could have - and she could have - with nothing at all for pain . I don 't want it to be time for her to leave me but I also don 't want her to be in pain . I don 't want her to suffer . If she 's still in pain in the morning , I will call the vet , and it may be time . Difficulty concentrating is a common symptom of depression . At times when my depression is most severe , I can 't watch a movie or even an hour - long television show , because I just can 't focus that long . Half - hour sit coms , maybe , but then you don 't really have to pay much attention to those in order to get the humor . I can 't read books when my depression is most severe , either , because by the time I get to the end of a chapter , I 've already forgotten what happened at the beginning of the chapter . Post - traumatic stress disorder can make concentration difficult , too . There is the hypervigilence , startling at the smallest sound , things most people would just tune out . There are the intrusive thoughts and memories . Of course , sleep deprivation makes it hard to concentrate , too , and I am always sleep deprived . I am on Social Security disability but I also supplement my disability check by doing some work as a freelance writer . I get paid by the article , not by the hour . No one would pay me by the hour to write because it takes me much longer than it would take most people to complete a 500 - word article . Most of the articles I do are about 500 words and I should be able to complete one in about an hour . On a good day , a really good day , I can do that . But I hardly ever have really good days . Most days , I am really lucky to get two articles done . Often I can complete one in an entire day . Some days I can 't even finish one . See , you have to be able to concentrate to get an article done , especially to get one done in an hour . And I don 't concentrate well at all . Unfortunately , there isn 't much Isaac can do to help me with my lack of concentration . Sometimes it makes it worse , because sometimes he wants to play when I want to work or needs to go out to pee when I am in the middle of writing something . He 's good company , though , and I 'm willing to put up with him interrupting me sometimes . Too bad there 's not a task he can learn to do to help me focus , though . Cayenne has two tumors on her belly . Which are almost certainly cancerous , since she 's had cancer on her belly twice before . The tumors are currently about the size of large grapes . They feel very hard to the touch . I previously noticed they were sort of scaly and scabby . Tonight Cayenne was lying on her back and I was gently petting her soft little belly . I noticed it looks like one of the tumors has been oozing . It looked sort of like a sore , like maybe it had bled a bit and had oozed a little pus . Some of her fur was stuck to it . I just felt really , really bad for her , looking at that tumor that looked so sore . She doesn 't act like they are sore . She doesn 't lick them a lot or seem to mind if I touch them as long as I am gentle . But they look sore . And I just hurt for her . I don 't want her to be sick . I don 't want her to be in pain . It was like when Isaac had a sprained ankle and it hurt me to watch him limp . I 'd rather be in pain myself than see Cayenne in pain . It was a gorgeous day outside today . Sunny , warm but not too hot , a clear blue sky , perfect for a walk in the woods . So Isaac and I hopped in the car and met a friend at a nearby park . The path we took was not too hilly , the terrain not too rough . An easy hike for just about anyone . There were some fallen leaves on the path and there was a fallen tree branch partially hidden beneath the leaves and I stumbled over it . I didn 't fall . It was just a minor stumble . The kind of thing that would be no big deal for most people . It jolted my back . Just about everything jolts the back muscles . I never knew that until my back got so back . Sneezing is incredibly painful . It jars the back muscles something awful . When I stub my toe , it 's not my toe that hurts , it 's my back , from the jolt . Going up and down stairs jars the back , too . I was frustrated because it was a perfect day for a walk in the woods and all I wanted was to be able to walk without pain . I was frustrated because I knew the rest of the walk was going to be excruciating and I knew I would have to go home and take pain meds and lie down on the heating pad and I had other stuff I needed to do and I didn 't want to have to spend the afternoon sleeping off my pain meds instead of getting other stuff done . I was frustrated because I need to do some cleaning in my house and I 've been putting it off because of my back and I want to be able to do basic , simple stuff like everyone else can . And I know , not everyone else can do basic , simple stuff . Some people have much more severe physical disabilities . That doesn 't help my frustration much , though . My apartment complex is having a Halloween party and people are invited to wear costumes . There will be prizes for the best costumes . I have decided I will go and Isaac and I will dress up . I had a hard time deciding what we would dress up as . I don 't want to spend a lot of money on a costume and I don 't want to spend a lot of time and energy making costumes , either . You can buy Halloween costumes for dogs but I really prefer to make something . For Isaac 's costume , I plan to cover one of his service dog vests with black and white fabric ( that looks like a black and white cow , you know ) . I am going to try to make a little pink udder that can be attached to the strap on his vest that goes under his belly . If I can find or make one , I am going to put a cow bell on his collar . Recently I 've been thinking maybe it was time to talk to the vet about euthanizing Cayenne . For the past few weeks , she spends most of her time under the couch . She creeps out to eat occasionally and that 's about it . And she eats less than she used to . She still seems to enjoy her food when she eats it , but sometimes she does not come out to eat when I serve her meals . Since she only eats small amounts now , I feed her several times a day , and if I get up during the night , I often feed her then , too . But sometimes she goes for a whole day without eating anything . Well , yesterday I coaxed her out from under the couch to eat and I picked her up and put her on my window ledge . I opened the window , and it was a warm , sunny , breezy day out . She always used to like to sit in the window when it was open and she seemed to enjoy it yesterday , too . She also seemed hungry . She ate some canned cat food , then some dry cat food , then some chicken baby food ( stinky ! ) , some diced up hot dog , a few kitty treats , and some banana yogurt , all over the course of a couple hours . She wanted the yogurt so bad she was smacking my hand while I was trying to eat it . I made her a nice nest on the couch , with a soft fleece blanket on top of a puppy training pad ( gotta try to protect my couch from cat pee ) , and she snuggled in . Isaac was delighted to see her because he loves Cayenne very much , even though the feeling is not mutual . They sniffed each other politely , though . For a while , she climbed into my lap while I was sitting on the couch . She was friendly , cuddly , interested in attention and food . Today , I coaxed her out from under the couch again , and now she 's sitting beside me on the couch , on my weighted blanket ( please , don 't pee on that ) . She ate some turkey baby food , some canned cat food , and some squirt cheese ( you know , that cheesy stuff in a can that you can spray on crackers ? I got it to spray on the side of the bathtub when Isaac gets a bath ) . She is currently enjoying a lengthy bath , which is something she always used to enjoy . neighbors was in the laundry room putting stuff in the washer and some other people were doing something out in the hallway and making noise , and Isaac was much more interested in watching all of them than in getting stuff out of the dryer . I tried to position my body so that it was blocking his view of the door so that he could pay attention to his work better , but he was so funny . He would grab an item of clothing out A man in Grand Rapids , Michigan is upset because his service dog is trained to grab mail when the mail carrier pushes it through the slot in his door and then bring the mail to him , but the post office says they cannot deliver mail that way because the mail carrier might be bitten by the dog . Now , I 'm not sure how the dog can bite someone through the mail slot , but I also don 't understand why the dog cannot pick up the mail from the floor . In the article I read , though , it says it is very difficult or impossible for his service dog to retrieve mail from the floor . Isaac has no trouble picking up mail from the floor . Everyone I know that has a service dog says their dogs have no trouble picking up mail from the floor . In fact , most service dogs trained to retrieve things for their handlers can pick up much smaller , more challenging things than mail . When I first got Isaac , I was a little concerned that he might accidentally swallow something small like a paper clip or a coin . However , Isaac never eats anything that is not food ( with the exception of bugs and cat poop , both of which he believes are food ) . When he rips stuffed animals to shreds , he never eats any of the stuffing . Sometimes I see him really working with his tongue to get a bit of stuffing out of his mouth because he does not want to swallow it . He shreds basketballs to little tiny scraps and never eats any of those , either . I am very grateful that he does not eat things that are not edible ( disgusting as it is , apparently bugs and cat poop are easily digested by dogs ) . I never find non - food items in his poop . I have a friend whose dog eats shoes and socks and all sorts of things that are definitely not edible , and Isaac has never ever done that . Therefore , at this point , I feel very comfortable that he is not going to eat a coin or a paper clip when asked to retrieve it for me . If he did , he would just poop it out . One coin or one paper clip would not hurt him . But I have no fear that he will swallow anything he does not intend to swallow . Posted by A couple months ago , I wrote about how I hate asking people for help but I don 't mind asking Isaac for help at all . It 's mostly because Isaac never seems annoyed at being asked to help ; in fact , he is delighted to help . He thinks it 's all fun . Tonight something occurred to me . I feel the same way about asking for help at night , only more so . I often have trouble sleeping and sometimes have really bad nights . However , I never want to wake anyone up to ask for help . I have friends that have told me repeatedly that I can call them in the middle of the night but I never do . I feel too guilty . For a long time , I didn 't want to wake Isaac up at night , either . Isaac usually goes to bed between 8 : 00 and 10 : 00 in the evening . Sometimes he 'll fall asleep on the living room floor on one of his blankies for a while , then eventually he gets up and goes into the bedroom and gets on my bed and goes back to sleep . Sometimes he heads for the bedroom as soon as he gets sleepy . I usually tiptoe around the apartment once he has gone to bed , trying not to wake him . But tonight I was feeling lonely and I ended up wandering into the bedroom and sat on the bed and petted him for a few minutes . And that 's when I realized , I don 't really feel guilty anymore about disturbing him at night . Because he doesn 't mind . Not only does he not mind , he is delighted to see me . He 's not annoyed at being awakened . Instead , he is happy and excited to get a little attention or to get the chance to perform a task like bringing my medication . It 's my understanding that dogs sleep differently than people do and if you 've ever watched a dog sleep , you know what I mean . Dogs sleep a lot during the day , napping or dozing , but it 's usually a very light sleep . The slightest noise or movement can bring them to their feet and they don 't wake up tired and groggy like people do , either . Isaac wakes up full of energy and ready for anything . Even when dogs do sleep more deeply , they wake easily and become fully alert instantly . Then we went through the drive - through window at the pharmacy , where Isaac got three doggie treats . This pharmacist is a sucker for Isaac . Isaac always gets at least three treats out of him - once he got six treats ! Isaac starts drooling the minute we pull up to the window . By the time the pharmacist produces the treats , he has slobbered all over my headrest and my shoulder . He really has the " I am a poor starving puppy , please give me treats " look down . I know I 've said this before but I 'm gonna say it again . I used to have a really high pain tolerance . I don 't anymore . There could be several reasons for that . I think a lot of it is psychological . I think it 's because of my experience in the emergency room almost a year ago , when I was denied any pain medication during a very painful procedure . That might explain it , but knowing that doesn 't make it any easier to deal with pain . It could also be because I 've had chronic pain for so long now , with my back problems . There has been some research that suggests that when one has chronic pain , it 's almost like wearing a grove in the floor from walking back and forth in the same line over and over again . Those neural pathways in the brain are like groves in the floor . So that could be part of it , too . The pain in my mouth reminds me of the pain in my arms when my cuts were stapled with no pain medication and no local anesthetic . The pain feels similar , like a sharp , stinging kind of pain . Monday night , after having my tooth pulled , my arms started hurting . I knew there was nothing wrong with my arms , I knew that was completely psychosomatic , but nonetheless , my arms hurt . And I couldn 't make my arms stop hurting and I couldn 't make my mouth stop hurting , and I was here alone in my pain , and that felt a lot like being in the hospital in my room alone with my stapled arms hurting and not being able to get any pain relief . The pain is less today . Actually , I think I would describe it more as discomfort than actual pain . My mouth just feels a little sore and irritated . It gets worse when I eat . Eating cold things seems to be worse than warm things . Even really soft things that require almost no chewing , like yogurt , make my mouth hurt . Some of the places in my mouth that hurt aren 't even places I had any work done , so I don 't know what 's up with that . Maybe it 's referred pain , maybe it 's just psychosomatic . I don 't know . I just know it hurts . I also know I 'm hungry and then I eat and then it hurts a lot more and I regret eating . I 've been drinking a lot of protein shakes , which don 't bother my teeth as much , although warm drinks feel a little better in my mouth . If I drink with a straw , though , the liquid doesn 't really touch my front teeth where I had the work done . Yesterday I saw my dentist to get a temporary bridge put in . This involved grinding down the teeth or either side of my now - missing tooth so that crowns could go over them , which is what anchors the bridge in place . The whole thing took about 90 minutes , which is a really long to be in a dentist chair , especially for me . We did take a short break in the middle somewhere . A friend went with me to the appointment and I called the office ahead of time to ask if she could be with me during the procedure . Dentists usually like people to wait in the waiting room but I wanted to ask if they would make an exception due to my PTSD . I explained to the receptionist that I have PTSD and was very anxious about the procedure and she checked with the dentist and then told me it would be OK to have my friend with me . I realized then what happened . I said , " That 's probably because I told her I have PTSD and some people think only people in the military get PTSD . That 's not true , though . Other people can get it , too . " I 've been asked a lot if I was in the military . Actually , my last dentist asked me that , when I told him I have PTSD . The pastor of the church that held the fundraiser for Isaac asked me that . Other people have asked me that , too . I 've never seen any statistics indicating how many people with PTSD are military veterans and how many aren 't . I do know , though , that many , many people with the condition were never in the military . It 's true that being in combat can cause PTSD but many other things can cause it , including childhood abuse and sexual assault . I had my tooth pulled yesterday and I spent most of the day today recovering . The actually procedure wasn 't bad at all . The only pain was the two Novocaine injections , which just stung for a minute . The tooth came out super fast and I felt pressure but no pain whatsoever . I was surprised it was so fast and painless . The Novocaine wore off about the time I arrived home , though . I was in pain and all the PTSD stuff kicked in big time . It was a really rough night last night . A lot of crying , some flashbacks , nightmares when I finally drifted off to sleep . Today I tried to do a little writing but didn 't have much success . I just couldn 't concentrate . I was anxious and depressed . I am so not looking forward to seeing the dentist tomorrow to get started on the bridge . I 've thought a lot about not going . About just living with a gap in my front teeth . This evening I was sitting on the couch and he was standing beside me , wagging his big strong tail and getting petted , and his tail knocked my hairbrush off the coffee table . I told him to get it for me , but it landed right next to one of his toys , so he started to pick up the brush , then started to pick up the toy instead , then thought about it for a second and decided the brush must be what I wanted and picked that up and gave it to me . How smart is that ? Earlier this evening I ran to the grocery store for some yogurt because that 's practically all I 've been eating the last few days because of my tooth . I got Isaac out of the car and was getting my groceries out when I saw the cat that has been hanging around here for the last few weeks . Isaac is determined to catch that cat . I spotted the cat an instant before Isaac did and I told him to sit and to stay - and he did ! He looked longingly at the cat and I could see he really , really wanted to run after it , but he didn 't . I was so happy and so proud of him . A few days ago I met a friend for lunch at Chipotle and took Isaac . It was the first time I 'd had Isaac in a restaurant in a while , probably over a month , which is really not a good thing . I don 't go to restaurants very often anymore and I don 't always take Isaac when I do because I usually go with someone else and don 't always need to have Isaac with me . However , I think it would be better to take him more often just so he could keep in practice . Well , it was a Saturday at lunch time and Chipotle was really crowded and there was a very long line . I wasn 't sure how Isaac was going to do but he did brilliantly . Waited very nicely in line and did not once try to sniff the butt of the guy in line in front of us . At one point he got tired of standing in line ( I don 't blame him ) and decided to lie down , and he has not yet learned that it 's not wise to sprawl out in places like that , so I had to ask him to get up and move over . He does that in line at the grocery store sometimes , too . But he was very good . He was interested in sniffing the garbage can when we walked past but ignored it when I told him " leave it . " He did not try to sniff any of the other customers while I was filling my drink , and it was pretty crowded in that area , too . He went right under the table when I told him to , lay down when I told him to , and stayed lying down quietly throughout the meal . He was pretty near perfect . I couldn 't have asked for more . |
I want to make it clear that I 'm not upset with Isaac . Isaac was so good at that party . I 'd been a bit worried because he is used to being in the common area of that building when he 's not working , not in his vest , and he is used to seeing our neighbors when he is not working , not in his vest . In fact , many of our neighbors have never seen Isaac in his vest . I think a couple of them saw him the day I came to look at the apartment for the first time , and Isaac was with me , and in his vest then . But he doesn 't wear the vest in our building , normally . Most of the time , I keep it in the car . Since Isaac is used to being off duty when he sees those people , and is used to running up to great some of them quite enthusiastically , I was a bit worried he 'd want to act like that when he saw them at the party . But he didn 't . He gave them his big goofy doggie smile , and his happy tail was wagging like crazy , but he didn 't try to climb in one single person 's lap . He did not try to nuzzle anyone 's ears . I could see he was happy and excited to see people he likes , but he stayed calm and professional . He was even good when the person sitting next to me tried to feed him a bite of a cookie and I told her not to and she took it away at the last second . Oh , he looked a bit disappointed , and he gave her the sad puppy eyes to try to make her change her mind , but he didn 't whine , he didn 't beg , he didn 't stick his head in her lap and get up to try to sniff at what was on the table . He was so good . And it 's not his fault he knocked the candy dish off the table . That was my fault . I should have been paying more attention . I should have moved the candy dish or else had Isaac move so that his tail was safely away from things he could knock over . But I was so embarrassed . I was so mad at myself . I 'd worked really hard to have things go well for the party . I put so much thought and effort into Isaac 's custom , and I know it looks like a really simple costume , and it was simple to make . But I thought really hard about how to make a costume that would be cute but also be comfortable for him to move in . I wanted it to feel to him like wearing his service dog vest so that he would be in " work mode " when he was wearing it . I didn 't want anything that would feel awkward or uncomfortable to him , because I didn 't want him to act weird because he felt weird in his costume . I tried it on him several times , made alterations , tried it on again . Yesterday I cut his toenails and brushed him so he 'd be nicely groomed for the party . And things were off to such a great start . We went in , found a place to put our cookies on the snack table , greeted a few people , found someone to snap a picture of us . Isaac was behaving beautifully . And then I messed up by not noticing the dish of candy . I feel like things never go right because I always end up making stupid mistakes . The fact that I worked so hard to make things go well is probably pathetic because it should not be that hard to prepare for a stupid Halloween party . But it did take a lot of work for me . And even with all that work , I couldn 't get through the first 15 minutes without messing something up . I am anxious and depressed . I just took some more anxiety meds and I 'm going to try a hot bath and then go to bed . I had some writing to get done tonight but I don 't think that is going to happen . I 'm too anxious and depressed to concentrate . Isaac and I went to the Halloween party my apartment complex had this afternoon . I was kind of excited about it , which I guess just goes to show I need to get a life . Yesterday , I make four dozen pumpkin spice oatmeal cookies to take to the party to share . They were yummy . I ate a few last night . I wanted to take something to the party that was low enough in sugar that I could actually eat it . I had suggested to the apartment manager that perhaps they should have some sugar free treats , because many of the people that live here are elderly and I bet some are diabetic , but I didn 't think they were actually going to listen to me and I guess they didn 't . They had told me there would be Chex mix , which there was , and a cheese ball and crackers , which there was not , but I was glad I took something I could actually eat . I was excited about Isaac 's costume . I think it turned out so cute . I had to make a few alterations to it yesterday . I had initially planned to attach the cow costume to his service dog vest with double - sided tape but that seemed to come off too easily when Isaac lay down or wiggled around . So I sewed two little loops to the front corners of the cow costume , and the put the front straps of his service dog vest through those loops , so I didn 't have to mess with the tape . It worked really well . Here 's a picture of us together . I have to add that I think I look terrible in this picture . I think I look old and haggard . But Isaac looks cute . Isaac was really good at the party . He lay down under the table , until the woman in the nun costume next to me tried to feed him a bite of a cookie . Then he kept trying to wiggle his way closer to her , lifting his head to give her his sad , starving , puppy dog eyes . But he was good . When we first got there , there was this dish of candy corn on a low table . Isaac wanted to sniff it but I told him to leave it and he did . Then , a minute later , his big strong happily - wagging tail smacked the dish of candy and sent it flying . I was so embarrassed . It wasn 't Isaac 's fault , I should have noticed that the candy dish was in range of his tail and had him move . Isaac was so good he didn 't even try to sniff the candy that was all over the floor while I was crawling around , picking it up . But it made me feel really self - conscious and anxious . Monday I took Isaac to the dog park . The one nearest my home . Often we are the only ones there , but that day , there was a woman , a man , and two kids there , with three other dogs . Two were small dogs , but they had them in the " big dog " section . The third dog was a big dog and the woman had him on a leash . When Isaac and I went in , she said he was on a leash because " didn 't know how he was with other dogs . " Well , if you don 't know if your dog is friendly with other dogs , why would you bring him to a dog park ? Duh . Of course , her dog wanted to run around with the other dogs off leash . So he was barking . A lot . And she didn 't want him to bark . So she was screaming , " Shut the fuck up ! " at him . And smacking him . In the head . Over and over and over again . I was shocked . I was horrified . I 've seen people give their dogs a smack before . But not over and over and over again and not in the head . It was horrible . And the man and the two kids were just sitting there like nothing was happening . I thought about asking her to quit hitting her dog . I thought about pointing out that cussing at and hitting a dog isn 't the best way to get him to stop barking . I figured she probably didn 't want my advice , though . I ended up getting Isaac and leaving after just a few minutes . I couldn 't stand to be there , watching her hit her dog . Even if I didn 't look , I couldn 't stand hearing her scream at him over and over again . On the way out of the dog park , I looked at the sign posted at the entrance with the park rules , hoping it had a phone number for the Humane Society or something with it . I wanted to call someone to report the woman abusing her dog but I didn 't know who to call . There was a number for the county dog warden , so after Isaac and I were safely in the car , I called that number . The guy I talked to seemed unsure about whether or not I was supposed to report animal abuse to him or not , but he took the information and said he would check with his boss about what to do about it . I hope they went out to investigate . I did not stick around to find out , though . I wanted out of there . I was really upset and anxious . I took some anxiety meds and drove home and gave Isaac a big pork skin roll chew - thing . I feel so bad for that dog . Have I ever mentioned how Isaac loves plastic soda bottles ? He likes water bottles , too , but they seem to be made from thinner plastic in many cases and don 't last him quite as long , champion chewer that he is . He loves the 16 ounce single - serving bottles and two liter bottles . You 'd think he had no toys whatsoever , the way he gets so excited over a soda bottle , chewing it and throwing it and catching it . He adores them . My neighbors think it 's hilarious to watch him play with one . Many of them have taken to saving their soda bottles for Isaac . They leave their empty soda bottles in the hall outside my door sometimes . When a new guy moved into the building , more than one neighbor informed him that he was supposed to save his soda bottles for Isaac . It 's a bit of a problem when Isaac spots one of my neighbors drinking a soda and wants the bottle before they are finished with their drink . He seems to expect them to pour out their drink so he can have the bottle right away . Of course , the fact that one of my neighbors actually did that a couple times probably encouraged him to expect that . Isaac and I just came in from our before - bed potty outing and found three soda bottles outside the door . I put two away for later and Isaac quickly chewed up the other . Now he is lying on his blankie , snuggling it . I recently heard a sad story about a woman whose service dog got a bottle of prescription medication off the kitchen counter , managed to open it , and ate about 90 pills . I 'm not sure what the medication was , but 90 pills were not good for the dog . The dog 's owner rushed him to the vet and after several days of veterinary care , and several thousand dollars , I 'm sure , the dog is recovering at home and will probably make a full recovery . He may have some lifelong kidney problems , they aren 't sure yet . This dog had never gotten anything off the counter before . He 'd retrieved prescription medication bottles for his handler but never chewed on them or shown any interest in doing so . She doesn 't have any idea why he decided to get this bottle off the counter and chew it open and eat the pills . This story worried me . I keep medications in a few different places . Most of my medications , including prescriptions , over - the - counter meds , vitamins , and herbal stuff , are in my linen closet . I have a small supply of meds to be taken as needed in my purse , which is normally on my kitchen counter . There are some pain meds and anxiety meds in a small vinyl bag on top of an end table in my living room , which is what Isaac fetches for me when I need him to do that . Then there is about a one - week supply of meds and vitamins sorted into one of those weekly pill containers that have little boxes for each day of the week , which I 'd been keeping on my coffee table . The meds on the coffee table are what I worried about when I heard the story of the service dog that ate the prescription meds off the kitchen counter . I 'd been keeping them on the coffee table because I take pills from that container three or four times a day . It needs to be within easy reach so I don 't put off taking them or forget to take them . When I first got Isaac almost a year ago , I was careful to keep meds out of his reach . But he never bothers them . Isaac never counter surfs . He never chews anything that is not a toy meant to be chewed by him . He 's never chewed a single shoe . If I drop a bottle of pills , he picks it up for me and gives it to me with no interest in playing with it or chewing it . Sometimes if he picks up something like a sock , he gives it a playful little shake , but not pill bottles . Never , not in a whole year . That 's what the owner of the service dog that ate the pills thought , though . She thought her pills were OK on the kitchen counter . Then her dog almost died . I decided I cannot keep pills on the coffee table anymore . I have a plastic container , about the size and shape of a picnic basket , that holds craft supplies . I keep whatever craft I am currently working on in it and keep it beside the couch . I put the pills in that container . I imagine Isaac could knock the lid off the container and get to the pills if he tried hard enough , but I think they are safe enough in there . It 's not like when they were just sitting on the coffee table where he could grab them , or knock them off wagging his big tail , and then decided to snack on them . He has this toy that is shaped like a twig . It 's about as big around as the cardboard tube in a roll of toilet paper . It 's hollow in the middle . However , he 's gnawed one end of it so much that that end is pretty much closed . He hadn 't played with this toy for a long time but recently pulled it out of his toy basket . So I stuck a treat in it for him . The treat was in there pretty loosely . All he would need to do to get it to fall out is turn the toy so that the opening pointed down . Well , since he knew the treat was in the opening , he held the twig between his paws with the opening pointed up . He then chewed enthusiastically , hoping to chew through the toy to get to the treat . That did not work . Eventually , he picked up the toy and threw it . He does that with many of his toys if there are treats in them , hoping the treats will fall out . Sometimes they do . He also tries that with toys that have sticky stuff like peanut butter in them , but of course , peanut butter does not fall out . If throwing it himself doesn 't work , he eventually brings the toy to me . I can throw it harder than he can , so the treats are more likely to fall out when I throw it . Or if they are really stuck in there good , I can get them out . He likes getting them out himself , but he 's willing to ask for my help when he needs to . I finally got the total from the church fundraiser for Isaac , which was nearly a month ago . I was starting to get concerned because they hadn 't sent the money to Isaac 's program and hadn 't gotten back to me to let me know how much it was , and I was wondering what I would do , or could do , if they didn 't send the money for some reason . But they finally did . They raised $ 330 , which I think is fantastic . Isaac and I are very appreciative . I sleep alone these days and to be honest , most of the time I prefer it that way . There is no one to hog the bed ( or the couch , since that is where I sleep most of the time ) or the blankets other than Cayenne , and since she weighs seven pounds , I win any tug - o - war over the blankets or any territorial dispute over couch space . The main reason I prefer sleeping alone , other than the fact that I just don 't have any person I really want sharing my bed at the moment , at least not in an , umm , sexual way , is that I just don 't sleep well . I wake up a lot , I toss and turn , I sleep a few hours if I 'm lucky and then I 'm up for an hour or two . I disturb anyone that shares my bed and I don 't like to bother people when they are sleeping . For gosh sakes , Isaac won 't even sleep with me most nights because I am so restless in my sleep . And I need the light on most nights and most other people I know prefer to sleep in the dark . Go figure . The last few weeks , though , my sleep has been worse than usual . I think it 's due to all the dental problems I 've been dealing with . I 've had more stress , more pain , more nightmares , my bad memories , more flashbacks , that kind of stuff . It is now a little after midnight and I got about an hour 's restless sleep before getting up again . I am exhausted but I can 't sleep . What I wish right now is that I had someone here with me . I 'd feel safer . I want someone to hold me , someone that doesn 't care if I am restless and keep them awake . Someone to hold me and tell me I 'm safe , to comfort me and soothe me and help me rest . How weird is it that I 'm sitting here thinking of who I might be able to call and ask to come over tomorrow and take a nap with me ? That 's pretty weird , huh ? I haven 't written much here about the actual experiences that led to my developing PTSD . I 'm not going to provide a lot of details because , well , people don 't need to know them , they may be triggering to some people , and it 's hard for me to talk about . I 'm going to talk about some of it now , though . Last night was a really rough night for me , which happens sometimes , and sometimes talking - or writing - about it helps . I was sexually abused by a close family member from about the ages of six through 12 . I 'm a bit hesitant to say that the abuse I suffered was " really bad " because that makes it sound like there is some abuse that isn 't really bad , and I don 't think that 's the case at all . Any abuse of a child is really bad . But , well , what I experienced . . . it was really bad . I keep remembering being really scared and being totally helpless . Wanting to be able to do something and not being able to . Having to just lie there and let things happen to me . I feel it in my body , this desire to fight back , and not being able to . Having to be quiet and be still and wanting so much to scream and to fight . Want to know the hardest thing about living with these memories ? It 's just that - living with them . The hardest part comes after you 've worked through the feelings , remembered it , talked about it , done all the work . And then you just have to rest with it . Hold it inside you , incorporate it into the very fabric of your soul , know that it 's yours . It happened and you can 't change it and you just have to live with it , from now until forever . That 's the hardest part . A couple weeks ago , this woman complained that she was asked to leave a store because she had a service dog with her . The store manager says she was asked to leave because , when questioned about her dog , she became confrontational . Apparently at one point , she said she wanted to be allowed to shop after the store had closed with her dog so that the dog would not bother other customers . She got angry when she was told she would not be allowed to shop outside of the store 's regular business hours . Now , her " service dog " has bitten another customer in a pet store . The bite was severe enough that the other customer required stitches . I know a lot of details are missing from this brief article , but it does not sound as if the dog was provoked in any way . The owner of the dog is trying to minimize the problem , saying it was more of a " nip " than a bite . Um , yeah . . . a nip would not require stitches . That 's a bite . She says she 'll be getting some additional obedience training for her dog . I really hope she doesn 't mean that she intends to continue taking this dog out in public and calling it a " service dog . " But that 's what it sounds like . And she seems to think she is entitled to all kinds of special treatment , like stores should allow her to shop whenever she wants , even when they are closed , and she should be allowed to take her dog that bites into stores with her . I 'm putting " service dog " in quotes because I am very skeptical that her dog is actually a trained service dog . Properly trained service dogs do not bite people in stores . They just don 't . For that matter , properly socialized puppies don 't bite people , not without some sort of provocation . But trained service dogs ? They don 't bite people in stores . They don 't bite people that startle them , that grab them from behind , that hug them too hard , that pull their tails or ears , that stick their fingers in their noses or mouths . Seriously . They don 't . You can stick your hand in Isaac 's mouth and he will not bite you . Now , I do not recommend going up to service dogs you happen to meet and sticking your hands in their mouths . But if you did that , they should not bite you . Because kids do that . Toddlers will come up to service dogs , and for some reason I do not understand their parents will let them , and stick their little fingers in their noses and mouths . And pull their tails and ears , and try to climb on them and ride them like horses , and all sorts of other things . And Isaac does not bite them . He does not snap at them or growl at them . If they are really bothering him , he will turn his head away . That 's it . So this woman 's dog is not a properly trained service dog . And it should not be taken in public around other people again . Never . And I am offended that she is calling the dog a service dog because some people will then think that service dogs might bite . The manager of the pet store said that the pet store had to pay for the customer 's medical bills . Business owners are not going to want service dogs in their stores if they think service dogs might bite their customers and they will have to pay for their medical bills . By the way , the owner of the dog should have paid for the medical bills . I hope the pet store sues her to recover those costs . If the dog was a real service dog , the owner should have had insurance that would cover a bite . My renter 's insurance covers it , if Isaac bites someone . And yes , the insurance covers it even if the bite occurs outside of my home . I know I just got done saying Isaac would never bite anyone , but I have insurance anyway , just in case , because that is what responsible pet owners and service dog owners are supposed to do . But insurance is not going to cover it if your poorly socialized pet bites someone when you take it to a store pretending it is a service dog . I 've been taking a lot of pictures of Cayenne lately . I think I want to take pictures while she 's still here . Seven years ago , my cat Eileen died and I only have a few pictures of her . I wish so much I had taken more . As I mentioned a few days ago , my apartment complex is having a Halloween party and Isaac and I plan to go . There are prizes for the best costumes . I am going to dress as a farmer and Isaac is going to be a cow . I spent most of the day yesterday working on his costume . I was supposed to be writing some articles about mold . Making his costume seemed a lot more fun . I bought some black and white calico from JoAnn Fabrics that looked like a cow . It was really thin , like calico tends to be , so I thought the color of his vest would show through it , and a green cow was not the look I was going for , so I bought some white flannel to put under it . I found a remnant of pink terrycloth to use to make an udder . All in all , I spent about $ 8 . Yesterday I baked myself a cake . I had decided , since I would be spending my birthday alone ( well , with Isaac and Cayenne , but otherwise alone ) , that I would make myself a cake . It was a huge baking fail . First , I had decided I wanted a lemon cake but it is impossible to find sugar free lemon cake mix , so I bought a sugar free yellow cake mix and some lemon extract . I bought lemon frosting . When I was baking the cake , though , right after I 'd added the extract , I realize I had somehow picked up orange extract , not lemon . So I thought , OK , I 'd have orange cake with lemon frosting . That would probably taste OK , still , right ? Then the cake stuck to the pans . I used non - stick cake pans AND I remembered to spray them with non - stick cooking spray , but somehow they managed to stick anyway . And I mean , they stuck bad . So , OK , my cake was not going to be very pretty . It would still taste the same , right ? Yeah , I guess . It depressed me . It was a typical over - reaction , which I have sometimes due to my anxiety and depression and stuff . All I wanted for my birthday was a stupid lemon cake and that wouldn 't even turn out right . I sat down on the floor and cried for a while . Isaac came over and lay beside me and insisted on a belly rub . I felt better , got up , and cut the cake up into cubes . I put some in a dish , put a spoonful of frosting on top of it , and a scoop of no sugar added vanilla ice cream on top of that , and ate it . It tasted all right . Birthdays are hard when you 're alone . I mean , I 'm not totally alone , I have friends . . . but not a lot of close friends . And a couple of my good friends live far away . So I am here , in my apartment , alone on my birthday . I made myself a cake because no one else was going to make me one . I thought about buying myself a gift , but since I still owe the dentist $ 1 , 195 for my bridge , I decided new teeth would count as my birthday gift to myself . But no one else is giving me anything . No one has sent a birthday card . It 's easy to get depressed and think no one cares that it 's my birthday and it wouldn 't matter if I had never been born . But I don 't want to go there . Cayenne finally settled early this morning and has seemed fine all day . I did call her vet and unfortunately he will not give me any pain meds for her without seeing her . I kind of understand why but in this situation I don 't think it 's very reasonable of him . He knows she has cancer . It 's understandable that she might have some pain . He 's been treating her for many years . It 's not the same as if I had called Isaac 's vet when he was limping and asked for pain meds when we didn 't even know the cause of the limp . And it 's a 40 - minute drive to the vet 's office , which I don 't mind but Cayenne does . Last time she rode in the car , she puked all over herself . Riding in the car and going to the vet is very stressful for her . I don 't want to cause her stress or discomfort when she seems to be feeling OK . I guess I will take her to the vet sometime soon just to get her checked out and to get some pain meds so I can have them on hand . I didn 't want to do it today . But it is possible she will begin to have pain at some point , maybe a lot of pain . When that happens , I will have her euthanized but what if it happens in the middle of the night ? I want to be able to give her something to help her until I can get her to the vet . About 15 years ago , I had a cat with feline leukemia . The last few days of her life , she seemed very peaceful . I knew the end was near . She was just sleeping on the bed . She wasn 't eating , drinking , peeing , anything . I thought she would just die in her sleep . Then one night about midnight , she began having seizures . It was horrible . She fell off the bed , seizing . She howled , these horrible , heart - wrenching howls . I don 't know if she was in pain or if the howling was just part of the seizure activity , but it sounded like she was in excruciating pain . I cried with her all night long . It was probably the longest night of my life . I was waiting in the parking lot at the vet 's office when she arrived in the morning and she was euthanized , but I felt so terrible for allowing her to spend her last night on earth like that . I should have had her euthanized sooner . I didn 't want to do it too soon , but I ended up waiting too long . I don 't want that to happen to Cayenne . And I don 't want it to happen to me . I don 't want to spend another night like that . I was living with a partner then , and it was still terrible , but I really don 't want to go through that alone . I know just a few days ago , I was posting about how she seemed to be doing better . She seemed fine all day today , but for the past couple of hours , she seems to be pretty uncomfortable . She is sleeping , but she sleeps for a short time , ten or 15 minutes , then gets up suddenly , moves around , changes position , then lies back down and goes back to sleep . I think something is hurting her . It 's like she 's trying to find a way to lie down that isn 't uncomfortable but can 't . I wish I had some sort of pain medication for her . I don 't . If she still seems to be in pain in the morning , I think I will take her to the vet , but even if she doesn 't seem to be uncomfortable then , maybe I will call the vet and see if they will give me some sort of pain medication I can give her if she seems to need it in the future . I don 't know if they will give me anything without seeing her , and if she 's not in pain in the morning , I really don 't want to take her to the vet because I don 't want her to have to go through the car ride and everything . She hates that . That would make her uncomfortable and I don 't want to do that to her . But suddenly I am aware of what a long , difficult night I could have - and she could have - with nothing at all for pain . I don 't want it to be time for her to leave me but I also don 't want her to be in pain . I don 't want her to suffer . If she 's still in pain in the morning , I will call the vet , and it may be time . Difficulty concentrating is a common symptom of depression . At times when my depression is most severe , I can 't watch a movie or even an hour - long television show , because I just can 't focus that long . Half - hour sit coms , maybe , but then you don 't really have to pay much attention to those in order to get the humor . I can 't read books when my depression is most severe , either , because by the time I get to the end of a chapter , I 've already forgotten what happened at the beginning of the chapter . Post - traumatic stress disorder can make concentration difficult , too . There is the hypervigilence , startling at the smallest sound , things most people would just tune out . There are the intrusive thoughts and memories . Of course , sleep deprivation makes it hard to concentrate , too , and I am always sleep deprived . I am on Social Security disability but I also supplement my disability check by doing some work as a freelance writer . I get paid by the article , not by the hour . No one would pay me by the hour to write because it takes me much longer than it would take most people to complete a 500 - word article . Most of the articles I do are about 500 words and I should be able to complete one in about an hour . On a good day , a really good day , I can do that . But I hardly ever have really good days . Most days , I am really lucky to get two articles done . Often I can complete one in an entire day . Some days I can 't even finish one . See , you have to be able to concentrate to get an article done , especially to get one done in an hour . And I don 't concentrate well at all . Unfortunately , there isn 't much Isaac can do to help me with my lack of concentration . Sometimes it makes it worse , because sometimes he wants to play when I want to work or needs to go out to pee when I am in the middle of writing something . He 's good company , though , and I 'm willing to put up with him interrupting me sometimes . Too bad there 's not a task he can learn to do to help me focus , though . Cayenne has two tumors on her belly . Which are almost certainly cancerous , since she 's had cancer on her belly twice before . The tumors are currently about the size of large grapes . They feel very hard to the touch . I previously noticed they were sort of scaly and scabby . Tonight Cayenne was lying on her back and I was gently petting her soft little belly . I noticed it looks like one of the tumors has been oozing . It looked sort of like a sore , like maybe it had bled a bit and had oozed a little pus . Some of her fur was stuck to it . I just felt really , really bad for her , looking at that tumor that looked so sore . She doesn 't act like they are sore . She doesn 't lick them a lot or seem to mind if I touch them as long as I am gentle . But they look sore . And I just hurt for her . I don 't want her to be sick . I don 't want her to be in pain . It was like when Isaac had a sprained ankle and it hurt me to watch him limp . I 'd rather be in pain myself than see Cayenne in pain . It was a gorgeous day outside today . Sunny , warm but not too hot , a clear blue sky , perfect for a walk in the woods . So Isaac and I hopped in the car and met a friend at a nearby park . The path we took was not too hilly , the terrain not too rough . An easy hike for just about anyone . There were some fallen leaves on the path and there was a fallen tree branch partially hidden beneath the leaves and I stumbled over it . I didn 't fall . It was just a minor stumble . The kind of thing that would be no big deal for most people . It jolted my back . Just about everything jolts the back muscles . I never knew that until my back got so back . Sneezing is incredibly painful . It jars the back muscles something awful . When I stub my toe , it 's not my toe that hurts , it 's my back , from the jolt . Going up and down stairs jars the back , too . I was frustrated because it was a perfect day for a walk in the woods and all I wanted was to be able to walk without pain . I was frustrated because I knew the rest of the walk was going to be excruciating and I knew I would have to go home and take pain meds and lie down on the heating pad and I had other stuff I needed to do and I didn 't want to have to spend the afternoon sleeping off my pain meds instead of getting other stuff done . I was frustrated because I need to do some cleaning in my house and I 've been putting it off because of my back and I want to be able to do basic , simple stuff like everyone else can . And I know , not everyone else can do basic , simple stuff . Some people have much more severe physical disabilities . That doesn 't help my frustration much , though . My apartment complex is having a Halloween party and people are invited to wear costumes . There will be prizes for the best costumes . I have decided I will go and Isaac and I will dress up . I had a hard time deciding what we would dress up as . I don 't want to spend a lot of money on a costume and I don 't want to spend a lot of time and energy making costumes , either . You can buy Halloween costumes for dogs but I really prefer to make something . For Isaac 's costume , I plan to cover one of his service dog vests with black and white fabric ( that looks like a black and white cow , you know ) . I am going to try to make a little pink udder that can be attached to the strap on his vest that goes under his belly . If I can find or make one , I am going to put a cow bell on his collar . Recently I 've been thinking maybe it was time to talk to the vet about euthanizing Cayenne . For the past few weeks , she spends most of her time under the couch . She creeps out to eat occasionally and that 's about it . And she eats less than she used to . She still seems to enjoy her food when she eats it , but sometimes she does not come out to eat when I serve her meals . Since she only eats small amounts now , I feed her several times a day , and if I get up during the night , I often feed her then , too . But sometimes she goes for a whole day without eating anything . Well , yesterday I coaxed her out from under the couch to eat and I picked her up and put her on my window ledge . I opened the window , and it was a warm , sunny , breezy day out . She always used to like to sit in the window when it was open and she seemed to enjoy it yesterday , too . She also seemed hungry . She ate some canned cat food , then some dry cat food , then some chicken baby food ( stinky ! ) , some diced up hot dog , a few kitty treats , and some banana yogurt , all over the course of a couple hours . She wanted the yogurt so bad she was smacking my hand while I was trying to eat it . I made her a nice nest on the couch , with a soft fleece blanket on top of a puppy training pad ( gotta try to protect my couch from cat pee ) , and she snuggled in . Isaac was delighted to see her because he loves Cayenne very much , even though the feeling is not mutual . They sniffed each other politely , though . For a while , she climbed into my lap while I was sitting on the couch . She was friendly , cuddly , interested in attention and food . Today , I coaxed her out from under the couch again , and now she 's sitting beside me on the couch , on my weighted blanket ( please , don 't pee on that ) . She ate some turkey baby food , some canned cat food , and some squirt cheese ( you know , that cheesy stuff in a can that you can spray on crackers ? I got it to spray on the side of the bathtub when Isaac gets a bath ) . She is currently enjoying a lengthy bath , which is something she always used to enjoy . neighbors was in the laundry room putting stuff in the washer and some other people were doing something out in the hallway and making noise , and Isaac was much more interested in watching all of them than in getting stuff out of the dryer . I tried to position my body so that it was blocking his view of the door so that he could pay attention to his work better , but he was so funny . He would grab an item of clothing out A man in Grand Rapids , Michigan is upset because his service dog is trained to grab mail when the mail carrier pushes it through the slot in his door and then bring the mail to him , but the post office says they cannot deliver mail that way because the mail carrier might be bitten by the dog . Now , I 'm not sure how the dog can bite someone through the mail slot , but I also don 't understand why the dog cannot pick up the mail from the floor . In the article I read , though , it says it is very difficult or impossible for his service dog to retrieve mail from the floor . Isaac has no trouble picking up mail from the floor . Everyone I know that has a service dog says their dogs have no trouble picking up mail from the floor . In fact , most service dogs trained to retrieve things for their handlers can pick up much smaller , more challenging things than mail . When I first got Isaac , I was a little concerned that he might accidentally swallow something small like a paper clip or a coin . However , Isaac never eats anything that is not food ( with the exception of bugs and cat poop , both of which he believes are food ) . When he rips stuffed animals to shreds , he never eats any of the stuffing . Sometimes I see him really working with his tongue to get a bit of stuffing out of his mouth because he does not want to swallow it . He shreds basketballs to little tiny scraps and never eats any of those , either . I am very grateful that he does not eat things that are not edible ( disgusting as it is , apparently bugs and cat poop are easily digested by dogs ) . I never find non - food items in his poop . I have a friend whose dog eats shoes and socks and all sorts of things that are definitely not edible , and Isaac has never ever done that . Therefore , at this point , I feel very comfortable that he is not going to eat a coin or a paper clip when asked to retrieve it for me . If he did , he would just poop it out . One coin or one paper clip would not hurt him . But I have no fear that he will swallow anything he does not intend to swallow . Posted by A couple months ago , I wrote about how I hate asking people for help but I don 't mind asking Isaac for help at all . It 's mostly because Isaac never seems annoyed at being asked to help ; in fact , he is delighted to help . He thinks it 's all fun . Tonight something occurred to me . I feel the same way about asking for help at night , only more so . I often have trouble sleeping and sometimes have really bad nights . However , I never want to wake anyone up to ask for help . I have friends that have told me repeatedly that I can call them in the middle of the night but I never do . I feel too guilty . For a long time , I didn 't want to wake Isaac up at night , either . Isaac usually goes to bed between 8 : 00 and 10 : 00 in the evening . Sometimes he 'll fall asleep on the living room floor on one of his blankies for a while , then eventually he gets up and goes into the bedroom and gets on my bed and goes back to sleep . Sometimes he heads for the bedroom as soon as he gets sleepy . I usually tiptoe around the apartment once he has gone to bed , trying not to wake him . But tonight I was feeling lonely and I ended up wandering into the bedroom and sat on the bed and petted him for a few minutes . And that 's when I realized , I don 't really feel guilty anymore about disturbing him at night . Because he doesn 't mind . Not only does he not mind , he is delighted to see me . He 's not annoyed at being awakened . Instead , he is happy and excited to get a little attention or to get the chance to perform a task like bringing my medication . It 's my understanding that dogs sleep differently than people do and if you 've ever watched a dog sleep , you know what I mean . Dogs sleep a lot during the day , napping or dozing , but it 's usually a very light sleep . The slightest noise or movement can bring them to their feet and they don 't wake up tired and groggy like people do , either . Isaac wakes up full of energy and ready for anything . Even when dogs do sleep more deeply , they wake easily and become fully alert instantly . Then we went through the drive - through window at the pharmacy , where Isaac got three doggie treats . This pharmacist is a sucker for Isaac . Isaac always gets at least three treats out of him - once he got six treats ! Isaac starts drooling the minute we pull up to the window . By the time the pharmacist produces the treats , he has slobbered all over my headrest and my shoulder . He really has the " I am a poor starving puppy , please give me treats " look down . I know I 've said this before but I 'm gonna say it again . I used to have a really high pain tolerance . I don 't anymore . There could be several reasons for that . I think a lot of it is psychological . I think it 's because of my experience in the emergency room almost a year ago , when I was denied any pain medication during a very painful procedure . That might explain it , but knowing that doesn 't make it any easier to deal with pain . It could also be because I 've had chronic pain for so long now , with my back problems . There has been some research that suggests that when one has chronic pain , it 's almost like wearing a grove in the floor from walking back and forth in the same line over and over again . Those neural pathways in the brain are like groves in the floor . So that could be part of it , too . The pain in my mouth reminds me of the pain in my arms when my cuts were stapled with no pain medication and no local anesthetic . The pain feels similar , like a sharp , stinging kind of pain . Monday night , after having my tooth pulled , my arms started hurting . I knew there was nothing wrong with my arms , I knew that was completely psychosomatic , but nonetheless , my arms hurt . And I couldn 't make my arms stop hurting and I couldn 't make my mouth stop hurting , and I was here alone in my pain , and that felt a lot like being in the hospital in my room alone with my stapled arms hurting and not being able to get any pain relief . The pain is less today . Actually , I think I would describe it more as discomfort than actual pain . My mouth just feels a little sore and irritated . It gets worse when I eat . Eating cold things seems to be worse than warm things . Even really soft things that require almost no chewing , like yogurt , make my mouth hurt . Some of the places in my mouth that hurt aren 't even places I had any work done , so I don 't know what 's up with that . Maybe it 's referred pain , maybe it 's just psychosomatic . I don 't know . I just know it hurts . I also know I 'm hungry and then I eat and then it hurts a lot more and I regret eating . I 've been drinking a lot of protein shakes , which don 't bother my teeth as much , although warm drinks feel a little better in my mouth . If I drink with a straw , though , the liquid doesn 't really touch my front teeth where I had the work done . Yesterday I saw my dentist to get a temporary bridge put in . This involved grinding down the teeth or either side of my now - missing tooth so that crowns could go over them , which is what anchors the bridge in place . The whole thing took about 90 minutes , which is a really long to be in a dentist chair , especially for me . We did take a short break in the middle somewhere . A friend went with me to the appointment and I called the office ahead of time to ask if she could be with me during the procedure . Dentists usually like people to wait in the waiting room but I wanted to ask if they would make an exception due to my PTSD . I explained to the receptionist that I have PTSD and was very anxious about the procedure and she checked with the dentist and then told me it would be OK to have my friend with me . I realized then what happened . I said , " That 's probably because I told her I have PTSD and some people think only people in the military get PTSD . That 's not true , though . Other people can get it , too . " I 've been asked a lot if I was in the military . Actually , my last dentist asked me that , when I told him I have PTSD . The pastor of the church that held the fundraiser for Isaac asked me that . Other people have asked me that , too . I 've never seen any statistics indicating how many people with PTSD are military veterans and how many aren 't . I do know , though , that many , many people with the condition were never in the military . It 's true that being in combat can cause PTSD but many other things can cause it , including childhood abuse and sexual assault . I had my tooth pulled yesterday and I spent most of the day today recovering . The actually procedure wasn 't bad at all . The only pain was the two Novocaine injections , which just stung for a minute . The tooth came out super fast and I felt pressure but no pain whatsoever . I was surprised it was so fast and painless . The Novocaine wore off about the time I arrived home , though . I was in pain and all the PTSD stuff kicked in big time . It was a really rough night last night . A lot of crying , some flashbacks , nightmares when I finally drifted off to sleep . Today I tried to do a little writing but didn 't have much success . I just couldn 't concentrate . I was anxious and depressed . I am so not looking forward to seeing the dentist tomorrow to get started on the bridge . I 've thought a lot about not going . About just living with a gap in my front teeth . This evening I was sitting on the couch and he was standing beside me , wagging his big strong tail and getting petted , and his tail knocked my hairbrush off the coffee table . I told him to get it for me , but it landed right next to one of his toys , so he started to pick up the brush , then started to pick up the toy instead , then thought about it for a second and decided the brush must be what I wanted and picked that up and gave it to me . How smart is that ? Earlier this evening I ran to the grocery store for some yogurt because that 's practically all I 've been eating the last few days because of my tooth . I got Isaac out of the car and was getting my groceries out when I saw the cat that has been hanging around here for the last few weeks . Isaac is determined to catch that cat . I spotted the cat an instant before Isaac did and I told him to sit and to stay - and he did ! He looked longingly at the cat and I could see he really , really wanted to run after it , but he didn 't . I was so happy and so proud of him . A few days ago I met a friend for lunch at Chipotle and took Isaac . It was the first time I 'd had Isaac in a restaurant in a while , probably over a month , which is really not a good thing . I don 't go to restaurants very often anymore and I don 't always take Isaac when I do because I usually go with someone else and don 't always need to have Isaac with me . However , I think it would be better to take him more often just so he could keep in practice . Well , it was a Saturday at lunch time and Chipotle was really crowded and there was a very long line . I wasn 't sure how Isaac was going to do but he did brilliantly . Waited very nicely in line and did not once try to sniff the butt of the guy in line in front of us . At one point he got tired of standing in line ( I don 't blame him ) and decided to lie down , and he has not yet learned that it 's not wise to sprawl out in places like that , so I had to ask him to get up and move over . He does that in line at the grocery store sometimes , too . But he was very good . He was interested in sniffing the garbage can when we walked past but ignored it when I told him " leave it . " He did not try to sniff any of the other customers while I was filling my drink , and it was pretty crowded in that area , too . He went right under the table when I told him to , lay down when I told him to , and stayed lying down quietly throughout the meal . He was pretty near perfect . I couldn 't have asked for more . |
Yesterday was a busy day . I woke up and hung out with Brian for a while , then said good - bye and headed for the stable so I could get a ride in before work . Shortly thereafter , he left to spend a few days in Kansas . I arrived at the barn just after a significant thunderstorm had rolled through , so Steen was a little wet . I took him inside and noticed he was swishing his tail at some flies . I brushed him down and pulled out my all natural fly spray . I squirted some on his leg , and he freaked out . Given his behavior in the past , I assumed this was like other things . He just needed to be persuaded it wasn 't going to hurt him , and the best way to accomplish this was by forging ahead . So , I kept spraying him . He kept trying to barge past me into the barn aisle , but I kept pushing him back . I let him sniff the bottle and rubbed him all over with it . That was okay . I sprayed away from him . Okay . I sprayed towards him but not on him . Also okay . I sprayed onto him . Not okay . Not okay at all . So , I decided I needed a bottle with water in it , a longer line and a different setting , and much more time to begin getting over of the spray bottle fear . I put the fly spray away and talked to him and petted him until he relaxed . Then I tacked him up and took him to the arena . He seemed calm following me in there , but as soon as I hopped on , I realized he was still totally wigged out . I walked him around for about fifteen minutes , and he showed no signs of calming . He wasn 't resisting any of my commands , but he was just so keyed up I was afraid something could push him over the edge into genuine panic any moment . I got off . Poles and barrels were set up around the arena , so instead of riding through these things , I led him through them . He was fine with this . Then , I started jogging and making him trot with me . We went over poles , wrapped around barrels , came to sudden starts and took off at a trot again suddenly . After a few minutes he seemed to be enjoying himself a good deal - really watching me to see what I would do next . We kept this up until I was thoroughly out of breath ( and he had not yet even broken a sweat ) . Today , the farrier came , so Steen got a trim and then I took him up the road with another woman and her horse , Lightfoot . That didn 't really go so well and the gravel was clearly irritating to Steen 's feet and the other woman was having some problems with her horse . So , we went back to the stable before long where I had a pretty good ride in the arena and Cathi gave me some pointers on ways to get Steen to stay more consistently in the correct lead at the lope and engage his hindquarters more in turns . So , I 've had Steen for five weeks now , and have managed to ride / work with him at least five days out of each of those five weeks . He 's put on huge amounts of muscle and shed a good deal of hair . I 'll have to take some updated pictures of him soon . Yesterday after I got home from the gallery I had some web work to do , so I stayed at the house a little later than usual before heading out to the stable . As I have mentioned , the later I get there , the higher my chances of running into other people . Heather pulled in shortly after I arrived , but as I like her and her horse and she doesn 't use the same tack - up area as I do , this was just fine with me . Steen was really good . He is almost completely perfect at standing now , and he preemptively lifted three of his hooves for me to pick . On his last hoof , however , he swiveled off before I could get to it . I scolded him lightly , put him back where he 'd been and he gave me no further trouble . I rode indoors again due to continued rain . The only things Cathi told me not to do when she was showing me around the stable were make big messes and not clean them up , and ride in the outdoor arena when it was wet . Since she is so mellow on everything else , I am perhaps overly cautious about preserving the grass out there . The side - door in the indoor arena was open , however , so we had some fresh air inside and could see the herd . Tommy ( Heather 's horse ) was cross - tied right at the arena entrance , so we had plenty of things to pay attention to . But Steen was really good . Twice he jumped slightly when we were going by Tommy and someone made a strange noise before he could see them , but these were very minor and so I ignored them . Since Steen was being so good , I decided I needed to concentrate more on me . I have been battling the " bareback syndrome " for the last number of weeks . Years upon years of riding without a saddle has caused me to have a slight tendency to tip forward . It 's nothing big , and doesn 't seem to aversely affect my seat , but it is still not ideal for communicating with a new horse - particularly one who 's been trained western . Yesterday , however , I concluded I 've more or less conquered the problem . The answer is : a whole lot . When I planted my feet forward and leaned back and said whoa , he would stop with either no rein pressure or just a light twitch . He 'll also back with just twitching of the reins . He began to pick up a walk and trot based on my seat , and when turning , he responded to rotating of my shoulders . The only time I had to use significant rein pressure on his neck was during figure eights - particularly tight ones . He turns on a dime when we turn left , but he is still a little weak turning right . Also , his lope is still very fast at fist , but after he settles in he 's becoming more collected and is picking up the right lead with more consistency , though he has a tendency to drop out of it with his hind legs on turns . Still , I was well pleased . I hardly touched his mouth the whole day , and we had a great ride in spite of the fact that the herd was visible through the open door , Tommy was being tacked up by Heather and her parents were also milling around , watching and talking . His head definitely seems to be in the right place now . Now that my butt is too , things are going well . Meryl stayed one week and in that time she helped me make a lot of progress with Steen . Yesterday I went out alone for the first time in many days and we had a very mellow , enjoyable ride . He is getting friendlier , and quirkier with the little things he does when I 'm not riding him . I think we 're well on our way to becoming good friends . Well , it has been quite the week for Steen . For one thing , he officially turned eight yesterday . For another , it appears his bucking days are over . It has been very handy having Meryl here at this juncture . She 's had something I 've lacked for the last six years - her own horse . And not just any horse , but Jak , who Steen 's personality resembles in many ways . She has been an indispensable help with this . Fearlessly , Meryl went out to ride Steen on Tuesday alone since I could not go due to my two jobs that day . Since he performed so beautifully indoors on Monday , she took him outside only to discover the bit alone didn 't render quite as thorough a transformation as we 'd hoped . In short , after behaving quite well for a while , he tried to throw her in precisely the same way he threw me after she didn 't allow him to go to the part of the arena from which he can see the rest of the herd . She was ready for it though , and gave him a hard pop in the mouth in return for his buck . She then spun him in a few circles and managed to get him to walk like a civilized being around the arena a few times , then took him inside and worked him thoroughly . So on Wednesday Meryl and I went back to the stable . We gave Steen a good round - pen workout using the yielding techniques I used with him before , then took him to the outdoor arena . I got on . Fortunately , Steen doesn 't buck until he 's worked himself up to it in a very specific manner - attempted refusal to go in the direction you want because he wants to go look at the herd , following by side - passing when you try to make him . My strategy involved nipping the whole process in the bud . Whenever he tried to refuse my command to turn , I spun him quickly in tiny little circles . Since he didn 't want to do this , it required quite a bit of hauling on the bit . It took perhaps ten minutes . He would submit going one direction , but then challenge me on the next , or when we cut across the middle of the arena , or looped around a barrel . However , by the end , he 'd had enough . He stopped fighting . We went all around the arena , turned in every combination of directions and at every different point I could think of without any fuss at all . I got off . Meryl got on . He never challenged her at all . She walked all over the arena with him and he never tried to turn without her cue . Yesterday , we went again and had a very different kind of experience . He seemed happy to see us and was good while we groomed him . He did try to pull one hind hoof away from Meryl when she picked it , but she slapped him and he was so thoroughly sorry that he actually picked the next one up and held it for her until she got to it . Then we went to the arena , and I got on . He was nervous , clearly fearing a repeat of the previous day 's circles , but since he never challenged me , he never got the spins . And he was beautiful . He was so totally tuned in to me , it was amazing . He relaxed over the course of the ride , never showed the slightest interest in the herd , though he could still see them from that one part of the arena , and did everything I asked quickly and willingly . I walked a lot , trotted a lot and even loped him for the first time in the outdoor arena . He was great . Meryl rode , and he was equally good for her . So , with any luck , the battles are behind us now . The best thing about Steen is that he is very fond of people and genuinely seems to want approval . He was absolutely basking in all the love and pets Meryl and I gave him after he was so good yesterday . Inversely , he takes reprimands to heart . Now that we are clear on the exact status of our relationship , my hope is that the problems will be fewer and farther between . Unfortunately , the post title is not figurative . The ups refer to various parts of Steen 's body and the downs refer to me . The end of the ups and downs found me , literally , at the lowest possible point of horse ownership . It started with a Sunday afternoon . Working with Steen is always more of a task on a weekend , because there is more likely to be a great deal of activity at the barn . When Meryl and I arrived at the stable there were already a number of people around , someone riding in the indoor arena , someone riding in the outdoor arena , and someone using the round pen . Meryl and I used the outdoor hitching post to get him ready to go , and then adjourned to the outdoor arena , where all the fun began . A strange dog , a car parked where no car is normally parked , another horse and rider all combined with the fact that the herd had been moved to a pasture that Steen could see from one end of the outdoor arena , added to what I now recognize as Steen 's confusion over the commands I 've been trying to give him with a rope - halter dove - tailed into a moment that was apparently too much for Steen . After a few turns around the arena , he started resisting my suggestion that we walk away from the spot where he could see the herd . He didn 't want to , I kept pressing him . Of course , it hadn 't even entered my head that he would do what he did next , so I was in no way prepared . Suddenly , he front end rose up off the ground . I leaned forward to stay on . He came back down . Before I could sit back up , his back end came up . The first buck threw me off balance , the second one threw me off Steen entirely . Fortunately , I was no more injured than should be expected after taking that kind of fall . Meryl caught Steen before he could trip himself on his reins . I got up , put him on a longe line and made him run in circles for a long time . The other girl who 'd been in the arena , of course , saw the whole thing and asked a couple of questions . I explained how uncomfortable Steen was with the bit his previous owner used to ride him . She asked to see it . I showed it to her . She said , " This bit is way too narrow for your horse . " And here everything suddenly clicked in my head . I 've been reading and reading , talking to people at the stable where I work , talking to people around the barn where I board , watching what other people do with their horses and I 've been so concerned about doing everything " right " that I 've more or less undermined my own authority . I knew Steen 's bit was too narrow - I could see it when I put it in his mouth . But somehow I couldn 't believe that the person who sold me my horse could have been so dreadfully wrong about something . I could also see that trying to take in too much new information had caused me to think too much and act too little . Steen has been using my hesitation to get away with all his bad little habits , fidgeting when tied , making slow , lazy turns instead of nice quick ones , balking at things that shouldn 't scare him , etc . Meryl affirmed my realization by saying , " You 're letting him walk all over you . " So , we took him inside , I rode him a little bit but was in a fair bit of pain , and then she got on . As I watched her ride , I could finally see him for what he is . He is not like Tommy , the last horse I rode a lot , who was genuinely scared of people and who would retreat into a shell at the slightest reprimand . Steen is a young , clever , strong , intelligent horse who will take whatever liberties you let him . So , when Meryl got off , I rode him again a little but I saw now the rope halter was not working as an effective mode of communication . We cooled him down and went to untack him . He started his fidgeting routine , and I slapped him ( open - palmed , of course ) on the chest and said no . He looked at me in astonishment . He started to fidget again , I slapped him again . He held still for a moment , had one more go , got one more slap , dropped his head and stood more calmly than he 's stood since I bought him as Meryl and I took off the saddle and brushed him down . We put him back in the pasture and left . Yesterday , Meryl and I went to a tack shop and bought a nice , wide bit of the kind I 've used my whole life and understand through and through . We went back to the stable , set up the headstall , and brought Steen in . He stood relaxed while tied through the whole tacking experiencing . Then I put the bridle on and led him to the arena . I got on and he started walking before I told him to . I pulled back lightly and he tossed his head three times before he seemed to notice the bit wasn 't pinching him . The he started working his mouth and looking astonished . After a moment , he dropped his head and relaxed . What followed was amazing . He is a transformed horse . He will trot , lope , stop , back ( though backing with some reluctance ) , walk and trot over poles and between barrels and turn sharply on a light cue . I even got him to side - pass a little . Meryl and I both gave him a good , solid ride and he barely broke a sweat . The last three weeks of consistent light riding has gotten him into really good shape physically , and now the bit and my realization that I can 't let him push me around anymore have put him where he needs to be mentally . Meryl loves him , and so do I , though I 'll be happy when I stop waking up stiff as a board and walking around with a crick in my spine . A couple more shots . This one is of the whole herd out in their pasture . Steen is on the left with his head towards the fence . Here 's Steen sporting his rope halter . Today I decided not to ride , but to take Steen to the outdoor arena and do some of the ground - work exercises I had so much success with before in the indoor arena . I think we had a very productive session . Although he started out agitated just like yesterday , after a while he achieved at least an intermittent state of relaxation . We worked on walking , trotting , stopping , standing , backing , and a little bit of tying too . I had a nice time , and he seemed to as well . Yesterday I fetched Steen from the new pasture . He seemed very happy and relaxed when I walked up , not grazing , just standing there in knee - high grass . He didn 't make any fuss about following me in . I have figured out in the last week or so that part of his occasional balkiness had to do with the muddy down - ward slope he was often standing at the top of ( the day the herd stampeded towards me I observed they all took the long way around to avoid the area Steen never wanted to follow me through . ) Between the nice , level , dry and much shorter path to the barn and the fact that Jimmy can now go in the side pasture instead of the area that adjoins the barn and thus isn 't a stressful barrier between us and the aisle , we made it to the barn with Steen in a calmer state than he 's ever been before . This reflected in his willingness to stand better while I groomed and tacked him up . The small change was I took a screwdriver with me and removed two of the tie - rings on the front of my saddle . While I am glad to have these rings as they will doubtless be very useful in the event that I start trail - riding , for arena work they just bounce and clang a lot . For now , they can happily occupy a hook in my tack locker . I tied up the back three rings with a leftover piece from the rope - halter a few days ago , so now the saddle is nice and silent . It was glorious . The ground has finally dried out enough to ride out there , the grass was freshly mowed . Since Steen has been turned out in a lush pasture for the last two days , he didn 't have any interest in eating . The sun was out , the outdoor arena is significantly larger than the indoor one , and of course riding in it doesn 't cause the air to fill with gritty dust . All in all I have concluded I will ride outdoors whenever the weather ( and the state of the ground out there ) permits . That said , Steen was significantly less obedient outside than in . He was agitated at first , looking towards the herd ( he couldn 't actually see them , but they were clearly on his mind ) and the other horses in a pasture across the street . At first , he didn 't want to go in the direction that led him away from his perceived herd location , and I learned in convincing him to do so that he can trot sideways in a rather astonishingly fluid manner . So , we walked and walked and walked and walked until he was in a calmer state of mind . Then we trotted a lot . His trot is much faster and he is much less inclined to listen to my queues outside , but he was still always controllable . Until I asked him to pick up the lope . That he did with less coaxing than it has taken in the past , but with the wrong rear lead . Additionally , he took off in a direction wholly different from the one I indicated , seeming to completely forget that I was on his back and theoretically running the show . He ran straight towards the fence and then spun in a near 180 to avoid running into it . Fortunately , my seat is still good even if I 'm still a tad out of shape for riding , and instead of falling off I pulled him into a small circle until he cooled it . However , after a moment 's reflection I realized I can 't blame him for the lope . I should have recognized that he was still too insecure outside for me to ask him to run and still pay attention . The more I get to know him , the more I can see that every aspect of his behavior is clearly tied to his comfort level . On days when we have a difficult route to the barn and he gets scared , he doesn 't stand as well . Yesterday , he was agitated by the new ( and significantly more complicated ) outdoor environment , and this continued to reflect when we went back inside . He didn 't want to relax while I brushed him down . So , the bottom line - he 's still adjusting . But I 'm excited to have the outdoor arena to work with because I think it will actually help him to adjust faster since he 'll be forced to encounter more variables outdoors . I just need to stay tuned in to him and not try to do too much too quickly . Yesterday I had a very busy day . I left home around 6 : 30 to cover the morning feed at the stable where I work , which I 'd never done before so it was slow and included several moments of irritation . Then I returned to the house , changed quickly and left again to work at the gallery until 4 : 00 . After that I came home and had tea with Brian , then headed out to the stable where I keep Steen around 5 : 20 . I have already observed that the later I am there , the higher my chances are of running into the other boarders . When I arrived , Heather ( a girl about my age who does saddle - seat ) was in the barn talking to Cathi ( the woman who owns the place ) . I said hello , and was immediately greeted and regaled with some funny barn stories and offered a beer ( which I declined ) . Then I went and got Steen . He was very fidgety and very muddy , so grooming was not the greatest experience for either of us . He likes to swing from side to side when he 's tied up , and when we 're not in the arena none of the effective techniques I 've learned for getting him to hold still are applicable . I tried putting him in the cross - ties , but this just made him even more agitated , so I took him out again . In the arena Heather was riding her horse Tommy in her dressage saddle and Cathi was on her gigantic ( 18 hand ) thoroughbred , Jimmy , bareback with the reins in one hand and a Bud Light in the other . She wasn 't really riding , just sitting and talking to Heather . When I came in they were very curious to see Steen under saddle ( since he tends to walk around breathing audibly through his nostrils and can be such a case when he 's tied , most people at the barn thing he 's far less manageable than he is ) , and I think were favorably impressed . He got lots of compliments on his gaits and his looks , so that was good . Then those two left the arena and Steen got super agitated to be left alone , but I got his attention back quickly and we finished our session before too long . He 's improving rapidly as far as riding goes . I just wish his ground - manners progress was a little more consistent . I did , but mentioned that he possibly had never been in a stall before , so Cathi donated some grain to the cause of keeping him quiet , and handed me a longe whip . Then she led me , Star 's owner and Heather out to participate in the fun task of moving the herd from one pasture to another . Cathi started a stampede by calling to the dominant members of the herd and rattling some grain in her bucket and then running like mad from one open gate to another once she had their attention . The three of us with whips stood in a line and kept any stray herd member from detouring off the route between the two gates . The whole herd streamed by and ran off into the new pasture , which is full of lush , high grass and no mud . I retrieved Steen from his stall and let him out with the others , and although he kept going to the gate that led to the old pasture and looking forlorn , I am sure he will adjust soon . Even better , it is supposed to rain today . So between that and his new mud - free environment , he should be looking a little cleaner before I see him again tomorrow . It was an enjoyable evening , but the drawback to adding in all the other people and social chit - chat is that it slows the whole process down tremendously . I wasn 't home until after 8 : 00 . So , I think I 'm going to usually strive for getting there earlier in the afternoon , but on occasion when I 've got time , I 'll go later because it can be fun hanging out with horse people in addition to horses . Today Brian came with to the stable to hang out with Steen some more . He practiced leading Steen around the arena at both the walk and trot . They both did quite well , and it was very fun to get to stand back and watch Steen move . He 's just so pretty . Well , let 's be honest , they both are . ; ) The weather forecast predicted rain in the afternoon , so I headed for the stable this morning . Naturally , it started raining when I was about a quarter of a mile away . Luckily , this doesn 't matter since I can do everything I need to do inside , including riding , though I really hope to start using the outdoor arena soon . Things definitely didn 't go as well today as they have been as far as standing quietly goes . We had a very scary trip to the barn owing to the dog that is tied up by the door we usually go in and out of and the gigantic thoroughbred that is now pastured up against the barn . I 'm not sure if those few minutes of stress were the whole cause of the problem or if the day off caused some back - sliding , but Steen was more inclined to pull his restless stunts today than he has been in a while . So , I spent quite a while intermittently grooming and then taking a break and leading him around the arena to help him remember his ground manners . Tacking up went fine . I skipped the bridle again and the ride today was a move in the right direction , even if the prevailing ground manners weren 't . We went a little longer than we had before , lots more work at the trot . His stopping is really good now , so it 's just going to be a question of dialing in his gaits and working on his response to my legs and the reins on his neck . Towards the end , I had him lope twice and went around the arena a couple of times . He wasn 't inclined to pick it up at first , but I think this is just because he hasn 't done it much in so long . Once he was going , he moved nicely and even seemed to have some fun . Yesterday was another good ride . I went out in the morning before work and Steen was still mostly clean in the spots I 'd manged to get mud - free yesterday , so grooming wasn 't too much of a challenge . I tacked him up but left the bridle off this time and attached my 12 extra feet of rope to his rope - halter to use as reins . Then went to the arena . As I suspected , he was significantly more responsive without the bit in his mouth - much more willing to stop and generally more relaxed . So , clearly I need a new bit and headstall combination for him . For now , I can just ride him in the rope - halter , but that 's not a permanent solution if trail - riding in unknown territory is in my future . Today when I arrived at the barn there was someone else riding in the arena . Of course , other people who board there have every right to ride in the arena , but this meant I couldn 't tack Steen up in the corner like I 've been doing . So , instead I took him to the area near the tack - room that has cross - ties , where most people groom and tack up their horses . I clipped Steen 's halter to only one of the cross - ties , which is made out of a very heavy - duty elastic , and proceeded to groom him . This went well , because when he pulled on the cross - tie the elastic just stretched out for a while before growing taut . This seemed to calm him rather than making him think , " Oh my god , I 'm tied up . " The other girl had finished up by the time I got in there , so we had the place to ourselves . We worked on stop ( he 's really not very good at stop ) and walk for a long time , then did a fair bit of trotting . Steen has very nice gaits . We walked and trotted for somewhere between thirty and forty - five minutes , then called it quits . I don 't want to demand too much from him physically too quickly , since I know he hasn 't carried a rider and worked out hard for a good long time . This was enough of a ride to be real ride , but not enough to over - exert either of us . Nevertheless , when I got in the car , I could feel the tired muscles in my legs . Today when I got to the barn I put my saddle and pad in the arena near where I 've been working on teaching Steen to stand , telling myself that whether or not I used them today , he needed to get used to having them around . Then I went out to the pasture to get my horse . He was off on the other side of the field again , but when I looked up from unlatching the gate I saw him and a number of other horses were moving towards me . Then the rest of the herd started in my direction as well , and then one who had almost gotten left behind started trotting after the rest , which made the ones in front start to lope and the next thing I knew the entire herd came stampeding to the gate , Steen among them . So , I 'm not sure if Steen initiated the movement or not , but it was nice not to have to go get him . In the barn , he was a doll . He stood quietly while I groomed him thoroughly , and behaved beautifully in our forays around the arena at both the walk and the trot . After a while I thought , " Well , I guess I 'll see how he reacts to the pad . " So , I pulled it off the rail and walked towards him . He stepped back . I let him sniff it . He seemed to relax . I rubbed it all over his neck and back . When I got to his hindquarters , he shied away from me . I went back to his head and let him sniff the pad again , and he seemed alright with that , so I rubbed him a bit more , put the pad down , and we did a few more turns around the arena on foot until he looked totally relaxed again . Then I came back to the rail and reintroduced the pad . I did this a couple more times until the pad didn 't illicit any reaction from him , even when I put it on his head . I put it on his back and left it there . Then I picked up the saddle . Again , he looked at it and took one step back . I offered him a sniff , but he wasn 't interested . He just stood in a stoic attitude . I put the saddle on the ground under his nose . He ignored it . I tapped on the saddle with my fingers . No reaction . I squatted down next to the saddle and fiddled with it noisily . Still nothing . So , I picked up the saddle and put it on his back . He didn 't react in any way while I did up the cinch loosely . Then we went around the arena on foot again . When we got back , I tightened up the cinch and put his bridle on . I noticed the headstall ( which his previous owner gave me ) was adjusted to be much too short for him , so I fixed that problem and hopped onto his back . He stood still and let me do this . What followed was a very short but encouraging ride . He 's clearly been allowed to get away with not stopping when he 's asked to . I 'm thinking the head tossing problem his previous owner warned me about ( and I noticed the first time I asked him to slow down ) is probably from too much yanking on the mouth when he refuses to stop on top of a bit already irritating to him due to the tightness of the headstall . So , I starting teaching him to stop using sideways tension instead of backwards tension . As soon as I made this change , the head - tossing disappeared . After a few turns around the arena with stops and gos at the walk I decided not to push my luck and quit while I was ahead . I hopped off . He seemed very relaxed as I untacked him , and he led well back to the pasture . I put my things away and headed home . Today , I will admit , I didn 't entirely feel like going out to the stable . I was a bit groggy this afternoon and more interested in a nap then two 20 minute drives sandwiched around a frustrating session with a poorly behaved horse . But , I know the more time I can spend with Steen right now the better , so I roused myself and headed out . The horses were in a grassy pasture again . Steen watched me as I approached , but didn 't come to the gate for me . I had to go to him . He didn 't make any attempt to get away once I reached him , and willingly let me halter him . Then , however , after following me a few steps back towards the barn , he didn 't want to go any further . Well , I 've been reading a lot about natural horsemanship lately , and have come to the conclusion that there is a little bit of a paradox involved in the whole philosophy . On the one hand , they stress doing everything without aids or aggression , pointing out the truth that a horse ultimately cannot be forced to do anything , and devices and techniques that cause pain will also cause fear and a scared horse will only get more scared by pain , not less . However , all the " games " you play with a horse in natural horsemanship programs come down to dominance . They teach you to use " horse language " to persuade your horse that you are the leader and it is really in his best interest to do what you say without questioning . So , today I finally got after him . Not circles , no soft voices , no backing up , no games . I smacked him on the butt with the heavy end of the lead rope and told him in no uncertain terms that he would follow me . When Steen stepped foot on the grass though , he stopped again . This time , I really got after him . A few harsh words , another thump or two , and lo and behold , he followed . He followed right next to me the rest of the way to the barn . Twice I felt him start to slow his walk , but told him no , and he gave it up . But when we got to the barn I was already doubting . Had I been too harsh ? Was he going to be afraid of me now ? Imagine my astonishment when I draped his lead rope over the pipe at the edge of the arena and he dropped his head and stood there quietly as if the dancing horse I 'd had on a 12 foot line yesterday didn 't even exist . He stood like that while I brushed his body . Then I led him around the arena . I 'd make him walk , stop , drop his head , turn left , turn right , do it all over , etc . Then I went back to the edge of the arena and he stood quietly again while I brushed out his mane , etc . Then I started leading him around the arena at a trot . He started and stopped with me perfectly , and started to drop his head of his own accord when we stopped . We did this five or six times . He showed not the tiniest hint of interest in fidgeting his way over the horses in the stalls he can touch noses with from the arena door , or knocking buckets over with his nose , or pulling the blankets off the arena railing ( all things he was doing yesterday ) . He also never once called out for the rest of his herd like he 's done every single other day I 've worked with him . He just stood there like a normal horse and let me groom him . I am certain I could have saddled and ridden him . But I didn 't . I kept the session short and positive . He lead beautifully back to the pasture and now I 'm looking forward to going out there again . A bit of a rough day with Steen yesterday . I went out to the barn all excited because I had my saddle and I was going to ride . I got Steen out of the pasture with only the usual difficulties - ie , not letting other people 's horses out while fetching mine . They were back in the " mud lot " since we 've had a lot of rain again and they destroy the pastures when the ground is wet , so naturally as soon as we stepped on the fresh green grass between the mud lot and the barn , Steen really wanted to eat . Of course , I wouldn 't let him and in the past , when I don 't let him , he gives it up quickly enough . Yesterday , however , when I wouldn 't let him eat , he simply wouldn 't walk . In the end , we made it to the indoor arena . I took a few deep breaths to let go of my irritation over the grass and then we worked on standing using the same technique I used the other day - making him move back and forth on a twelve - foot line until his attention was one me . Then I 'd let him stop and clip his halter to a loosely tied lead rope , and pet and praise him until he started fidgeting , then I 'd unclip him and make him move and move and move until he was ready to focus again . Then , the rider 's entourage came to the arena . This consisted of her daughter , three other adults and a baby . These people were very annoying , clustering around the arena entrance , talking , moving and taking photos . For some reason , the camera was really freaking Steen out . By then the woman 's daughter was riding the first horse bareback and the woman had another horse in there she was leading around . Steen 's attention was increasingly off me , and he started yanking back on his halter when he was tied . After a few moments of trying to regain his focus , it became clear trying to work with him in that environment was going to be useless . So , very pissed at the people , the circumstances , and Steen , ( although quite aware I didn 't have anything in particular to protest about ) I took him out to the round pen , let him loose and sat there on the ground watching him graze until I regained my temper . Then I worked him for a while using a round - penning exercise that teaches the horse to change direction when you signal , and had some success with this . I tried tying him up one more time , thinking perhaps it wasn 't too late , but he fought the halter almost immediately so I just unclipped him and worked him again . I was about to call it a day feeling rather down in the dumps indeed . Then , another girl , Rachel , who is a few years older than me and also keeps her horse in the pasture , came out of the barn to say hi . I 'd met her the day Steen arrived and she 's very nice and knowledgeable about a lot of the natural horsemanship ideas I 'm trying to learn . She told me about a trainer , Jessica Jahiel , who has a great website with hundreds of archived questions she has answered about these little difficulties that get you down with horses . In the course of our conversation we talked about things like patience and repetition and I realized that although I know I could get a saddle on Steen and ride him by either tying him up and just dealing with the fidgeting , or getting another horse to stand tied next to him , doing so might be premature . Rachel also said something else that struck me . She said , " The thing I picked up from Jessica that helps me the most is just to remind myself , I 'm not training my horse for today . I 'm training him for tomorrow and every day after that . " I came home and read quite a few articles on Jessica 's website . The thing I found her saying repeatedly was , " Do this 100 times or more . " I 've still only had Steen for a week . . . So , I need to cool my jets and be more patient . It 's not Steen 's fault that he 's in a new place and has had very little contact with people for the last four years . My first ride in my new saddle will come on a day when we are both ready for it , not just me . But on the bright side , Rachel saw my saddle sitting in the grass and commented that she has nearly the same one , only the traditional western , not endurance style - and she loves it . She said hers has the same tree mine does , and although it is just a tad narrow for her horse , it still works great . Since Steen is significantly more narrow than her horse but in the same general size - range , I am now almost completely sure the saddle will fit him . This morning Steen and I had a very good session . Last night , I made him a rope halter and today when I put it on him I felt like it helped a lot with communication . I felt he was a lot more responsive in the arena and that he focused on me a lot more fully today than he ever has . I tried out a technique using a wall and a longe whip which really helped with the standing issue , and in general he seemed a lot less bored and restive than he has in the past . But the very exciting news awaited me when I got home from work just after 5 . Brian had thoughtfully unpacked and set up on the coffee table my brand new very own endurance saddle and pad . I sat in it ( using the arm of the couch as a " horse " ) and it seems to be the perfect size for me . Now as long as it fits Steen , we 'll be good to go . |
I dreamt I came back home and my dog had taken my pencil case with all my markers and she was chowing them on the floor . I was chasing after her to punish her and teach her not to be a little thief but I could not touch her . I was very worried because I know that despite the fact she is a very good dog , once she puts something in her mind it takes more than one effort to convince her that she shouldn 't be doing it . I also dreamt that I was at the school were I teach . I had taken more classes than I wanted and they had also signed me in for lessons with another teacher . I was going down some stairs after the bell had ringed and I was asked by someone to go to my class . I responded I was a teacher and they looked at me with gaping mouths . I walked into a room in a basement and I saw lots of students fooling around . Apparently it was a lavatory that also functioned as a game because after you went in there and did your job there was an indicator above the door with a score bar and an amount of things you would win on your way out . I tried to go through a blue door but they told me it was for boys and that the ladies cubicles were the red ones . I also noticed there were small silver and gold signs with little boys and little girls urinating . I waited for my turn when a tall boy pushed me aside and went in instead . I waited in front of the next door but when it opened I hesitated as I heard some girls making squeamish sounds . I looked inside and it did not seem particularly dirty . I also observed it had a cafeteria counter attached to the door and that this is is were they served food . The dish of the day was spaghetti bolognese . I went inside and closed the door behind me . Once I was enclosed I realized the space was too small . In order to sit I had to squeeze by the sink and the wall . I hate to touch the surfaces in such spaces . Further more when I approached the sink it adjusted its height automatically making the space even smaller . I could barely move in there so I just went out . I heard the secretary say that shePosted by Yesterday I saw I had gone to work at the magazine . When I entered the office a cute new man was sitting on the desk next to mine . Nobody was working . They were talking about people getting the sack and wondering who it would be . Eventually it was the cute one . He was not a new employ but he was working in another office which is why I hadn 't seen him before . I was wondering why since he did not look stupid or slow . I was actually thinking that it should have been the illustrator instead . He always looks so bored and half - arsed . Personally I think he is a rather mediocre illustrator as well . I can 't remember much but I think I was talking to him asking him how he felt about having lost his job . He was sitting on the floor in front of a door . HE responded he did not care much because he wasn 't particularly fond of it anyway . Last night I saw three dreams I can remember : In the first one I was at the loo , looking at a postcard while having a rather moist shit . There was a window from which I was looking out at the city below . Suddenly I saw a big chunk of a tall building falling down . Then a whole floor got detached . I called at P . to come and see . I thought it was being demolished . Then another building came down and another and another . I started wondering what was going on ; if this was the result of an earthquake and if it would reach us . It was approaching so rapidly I was expecting to feel the tremble at any point now . It never did come that close though . Then we were out on the street with P . Helicopters were flying above us and various other spacecrafts . They were supposed to be the hidden state aircrafts , only to come out in case of terrible emergencies . A very large one that looked like a massive toy spaceship passed above us in a very low height . Its bottom side was flat , it had an almost triangular shape and it was in Lego blue with red and yellow lines and lettering . I could see it very clearly . It was throwing fire balls randomly . We became very alarmed when one shot hit our building . We even thought forPosted by I saw I was involved in a battle with magical perspectives . When it ended we rewound time and got back to the point when none of this had started . I found myself in a classroom . I felt peculiar because since I had all my memories I didn 't really have to be there , neither I felt younger than my teachers . I was in another class , sitting with friends when their teacher came in and asked me to go to my class . I asked her if I could stay there but she said I would loose an important lesson that would help me manage bills in the future . I thought it must be maths and that I liked that so I started walking towards my classroom . When I got in I saw a mathematician I had in high - school that would come to school with a hang - over and never taught during the first hour . He would sit on his desk with his head on his hands instead . I did not fancy spending an hour in his class . They were always rather dull and he did not say much , most often he could not solve the problems himself . I got in anyway and took a sit . The classroom resembled a basketball court . Something happened , a fight or a mild violent incident between some thugs and a bulgy mentally impaired child . The teacher sorted it out and then we all had to tell the boy with special needs that he was all right and that we loved him . All the students were standing up , making group hags . I could not participate even if I wanted to because people were blocking my way . When things started to settle down I saw that a french friend of mine , L . , was there . She had a bag the future me had made . People were looking at it and I thought that I should modify their memories because it would be years before I made this object , so it could become fashionable at that point . I stopped talking to a girl that was standing next to me . I told her I was sorry but I had to modify some memories . I started staring really intensely at the girls that were looking at the bag bu ti could not tell if I was succeeding . We took our seats again . I saw in the back of the room a character form an anime I ' Posted by I dreamt I was working for a theatre company . There were a lot of people I didn 't know and I didn 't really like either . I had made costumes for them from a blue gauze that was also part of the scenery . It was not much to speak off . The set was this plain piece of fabric hanging from the low ceiling and their clothes were like ponchos . For the final rehearsal I bought orange gauze so that the actors can separate from their environment . I also had some ideas to augment their appearance and make it more interesting and associate it to the parts . I went there and they did not like my ideas one bit . They said they were used to what they had so far and that they wanted to keep it as it was . I did not want to work much for them so I did not insist . I left soon after that . Then I saw I was with P . who had agreed to play a part for another play . We were supposed to be in London but it did not really resemble London as I remember it . P . left before me and I would go find him later . I left the flat with the dog . We got in a bus and got confused and missed our stop . By the time we got off the dark had started to fall . We were at the wrong side of the river and I did not know exactly where to go . I asked some friendly girls I had met on the bus and they gave me the general directions . I crossed the river and got at an industrial area . I saw somebody I knew and I went to speak to him . I . wanted to poo and she made a huge pile of dung on the pavement . I was looking for a plastic bag to collect the poo but could not find it . A man with African origin passed by us with his dog and offered me his poo - bag . I smiled at him and as I reached for it I saw my bag in my pocket . I thanked him and showed him that I had found my bag . Then the person I was talking to said that there was P . and pointed to the crossroads . At first I could not see who it was that was coming towards us but as he came nearer I saw it was indeed P . He was on the phone and had not seen us . I called his name out loud a couple of times . He saw me and came nearer . He wPosted by For some strange reason we wanted to take another dog , exactly the same as the one we have , black , half - blood pit - bull . The new would be six month months younger . We did not know what to do with the one we had already so I took her to a museum . I left her in the middle of an exhibit . They had an exhibition of small installations that looked like contemporary window installations for commercial shops . I thought she would get some proper care there . Then I saw I was with my old flat mates and we were cooking . Pasta . I was making the sauce and I left the onions almost uncooked but they did not complain . I also put too little food in one of the plates and then I struggled to make every portion even but still one was constantly smaller . I added some red sauce and tasted it again and this time it was just fine . In addition to this the amount of food had increased significantly . I shared it in to three big vessels and put a lid on each one to keep it warm . One looked like a traditional wooden steam cooker , one was enameled and the third was plain plates . I was late for work so I left . When I got to the office where I was supposed to be working I saw it was transformed into an Indian telephone company . I was waiting for some time for somebody to ask some questions and by his answers I understood I might be unemployed again . I thought it was not so bad and that I had my second part - time job anyway . I was walking down a street of my home - town where my mom used to have a shop when I came across the museum where I had left the dog . The outside looked also like a commercial shop for clothes . I went in and found the dog in a dreadful condition . She was skinny and she had lost most of her hair , trembling on her thin legs . I called her name and she responded . I hugged her and called P . to tell him that I was bringing her home and that it might be all right to have two dogs . He came as well and we were cuddling her , hoping that the new dog would not attack her because despite the fact that it was younger she was so maltreated thatPosted by I saw I was on a train . I was sitting alone and I was feeling rather self - conscious . Next to me was a young man with his father . He seemed nice . As they were sitting there looking out the window the prime - minister came and sat across them . The boys father recognized him and they started chatting . The young man remained silent and so did I . I was wondering why . Politics is not my favorite subject but such a low - fi conversation with the prime - minister is not an opportunity to be missed . Instead I kept looking out the window and every now and then at the handsome boy that was silent and profoundly bored . When I got up in the morning I remembered a lot . Then I left the house and went to work and now I can remember very little . I do remember though that I saw that due to some strange condition my tummy was as big as if I was pregnant . Suddenly my belly button went " pop " and started protruding from my belly . I pointed this to my mother and she said I must be pregnant after all . We were crossing the street opposite the kindergarten I went to as a toddler . I was disgusted by the way my tummy looked and expected it to go back to normal but it didn 't . I slept some more and had another dream , but as I have already mention , I have no memory of it anymore . I dreamt I was in the school of Fine Arts . I had somehow been trapped in the basement - there seemed to be multiple underground floors - and I was trying to figure my way up and out . It was not easy as there were many consecutive rooms , some with trap doors , filled with things like old furniture and painter 's easels and not all of them were connected to the staircases . As I was moving through them I came across ghosts . I freaked out at first and I started running . In the last room before the staircase I was expecting to find a black ghost . Instead of this , when I opened the door I met a tall figure with bulging eyes , transparent skin , wide forehead , a black turtleneck sweater and the dullest expression in the world . I must have known him because I said " Oh ! It 's just you ! " . I pushed him aside and made my escape . I went upstairs and got out in a storage room . It also looked like an untidy shop . The door through which I had come out from was small and almost hidden between shelves . I was standing in there when a family of visitors came in the room . I tried to act normally . The last seen ghost had followed me and was now sitting on the floor in front of the door . One of the women that had entered the room had a young boy with her . He approached the ghost in a friendly manner . I panicked and started yelling not to let the boy approach the ghost because he would take him to the basement and would not let him out again . They could not see the ghost and thought I was crazy until the boy stepped on the ghost 's lap . The family saw the ghost stand on mid - air and understood that something was wrong . I woke up for an instance . In my next dream I saw I was in a school . I was part of the teaching personnel . I was also living in the building . I don 't remember much , only that I was trying to buy some lovely shoes from a big drawer under a kiosk , and that a very annoying fellow student of my sister was complaining about how Kavafes ( the poet ) had told her off in one of his classes . She was telling this to another teacher with whom shPosted by I saw I was with P . It was night time and we were returning home , probably in his home town . We stopped outside a house with lots of low garden doors . He insisted it was abandoned and that we would have to go to explore it . I said it did not look abandoned and that actually somebody must be in there , because one of the doors was unlocked and opened with the key still in the keyhole . He insisted like a child and went in so I was obliged to follow . I fiddled with the door for a little while . I could not decide if I should close it , or leave it as found or more open . I tried to leave it as I found it and proceeded inside . I went in through a narrow corridor between houses . It was odd indeed , as it was a corridor not more than a metre and a half wide but the walls extended two floors in height . I found P . " exploring the house . It did not seam abandoned . It looked actually as somebody was living in there and was gone for a very little . I saw an unmade double bed that reminded me remotely of my grand - parents ' house . Eventually we decided to leave the house and go out . As we were passing through the previously mentioned corridor we saw a car parking outside . I knew that the passengers , a man with hair loss and glasses around nearing his forties and an older woman , were the legal owners of the place and that therefor they should not see us going out . There was a big wooden plank and I suggested we hid behind it but P . said we should hurry up and sneak out while they were talking to each other . Then an aunt of his appeared and she got out from another garden door , as if she had visited another house . I followed her but P . went out through the first one . We met again and he said I should have done the same . Later we were at my home town . We had gone to the bakery that is almost across my house to get some traditional Christmas sweets . We were standing outside the bakery wondering if we should go to the attached pastry shop as it seamed cheaper . I checked the prices and saw that the kind of sweets we wanted was cheaper at tPosted by Supposedly , I was working in the same bar with my friend D . It was night - time and I had gone there to talk about the job . I wouldn 't start until the next day . I met a guy there ; a rather good - looking guy . He was taller than I am , almost by a head taller , blond , with nice cheek bones and a beautiful nose . I got out of the shop and walked to a house that was just behind it . I don 't know if I was staying there or if I had gone there to do something . He came along and we chatted . He had a wicked smile and with the first chance he pushed me on a bed . We did not proceed into intercourse , nor kissed , just hugged and played verbally . I wondered if I would have to tell him I already had a boyfriend . He did not look like he cared . We left this place and kept flirting while trying not to get noticed by the others . I was starting to like him a lot and I was thinking that if a man fancies me when I play hard to get and I reject him , if he might not like me nay more when I start falling for him because the way I look at him changes and therefor my face goes through changes as well . I remember playing a bit more of hide and seek and then unfortunately I woke up . I did not have any intention of loosing my little adventure so I went back to sleep right on . I found my self in the same place but I could not recall his face . I experimented a little but could not get it right . I was looking for him but none of the men I saw in my second dream were as good - looking as the first one . Pity . I woke up soon afterward . I dreamed I was taken to the hospital . I was not sure if I really wanted to be operated . I talked to the people at the reception but I could not remember the name of my doctor . I remember the name of the previous boss of P . but I was sure it was the wrong one . They led me to my room . There was a lot of free space around my bed but otherwise it was rather crowded . It was a very long space with beds as far as I could see . I told them I had just gone there for medical examination but they responded that we would finish the process anyway . They brought me food . I wondered why was that since I knew that before the surgery I would have not to eat anything for the whole day . I was worried I might get another doctor and as I was led into the operating room I straggled to remember the name and face of my doctor . I was further worried that if I let another doctor take my case he would get angry at me . I regained my senses and looked at my tummy . I had stitches in the middle of the scar but it was left gaping with caking blood on the sides . I could also see something white shining in there . They told they had to remove two more and therefor I would have to go the whole process twice more . They also told me I would need to eat some Rammen to get better and showed me the recipe . Then I was with P . and his cousin D . We were talking about my scar and I asked them if they thought I was cured . We decided to go to sleep . I was the first one to wake up . When I went in the kitchen I found food being cooked . D . 's parents had arrived and they had brought lots of pots and pans with them . One was left on the stove cooking slowly . It was a very small pot covered by a very big , heavy , glass lid . I checked if it had enough water and place the lid back carefully . I looked into the other pots and saw that there were potatoes cooked with rice . I thought it was a really absurd combination of food and that it might be a traditional festive dish , otherwise it made no sense . D . 's mother got up and I left the kitchen . P . 's sister with her fiance hPosted by I saw that P . and I had decided to get a room mate . At first D . moved in with us . We were also sharing our bed . It was big enough for two couples to sleep . She brought a boyfriend with her but then she moved in with him . Then we invited Ei . She came over . We were sitting in the kitchen and talking . I remember watching a big black stove . I also remember turning it on and off again , but I can 't recall what it was I wanted to cook . Ei . decided not to become our room mate and we kept searching . We were at a small cafe trying to find somebody . Then some Nazis got up from the next table and we mentioned that id D . 's boyfriend was there there would have been a fight . He resembled a lean boy I knew that had bob hair , but I can 't remember where we had met . I also have a memory of balloons from an earlier dream . The day before yesterday I went to bed before P . When he came I told him that our puppy has the munchies all the time . I was dreaming of her eating something that looked like batteries and bananas at the same time . P . talked to me and I woke up fully . It must have been rather funny . Yesterday I dreamt I had a shop . I had put all the things I have made in there but I never opened it . I did not even buy a cashier . I was going through my tax things when I remembered about it and I got nervous . I was thinking of closing down my business and I thought I should settle this as well , otherwise I might have had to pay a fine . I went there to see it and the woman that owned it - who was my previous boss - had sub - rented it to another woman as well that was selling my things along with hers . I went in to the shop and bought a set of ear - rings . I was selling them for two euros but this woman wanted to sell them for more . We had a dispute and I asked for a plate that was near her in a very rude manner . I got out of the shop and I saw a friend of this woman that had been in the shop with us . I tried to apologize and explain the reasons why I was so pissed off . She told me I had been very rude . I agreed with her and felt bad . It was time to go to work and I woke up . It was supposed to be the carnival season . I was with my sister and my mother . My sister 's friend E . was there as well . I also had a suitor . I can 't remember how I got him . He was somebody 's brother and he had taken a fancy to me . I did not find him appropriate though . He was very serious looking , tall and large - built and probably too old . He was very polite and I agreed to have lunch with him . My mother would join us . My sister insisted that I mascaraed myself . She gave me an old dress and told me to make a pony tail with my hair . I wanted to wear a brown bandana but she insisted that the character would be more accurate this way . The time was passing and it was getting too late to go out for dinner . I remember vaguely the man 's house and that his parents were there . I remember a dark brown furniture with drawers and a mirror on top . My suitor was wearing a tuxedo and a red scarf . I looked very odd and like a peasant . I think I wanted to shock him with my outfit and put him off the thought of liking me . Eventually we got out on the street . Somebody commented on the fact that none of us was wearing appropriate shoes for our outfits . We were about to go into a poss restaurant when I said I was not hungry and maybe I would like to go for a walk or return to my house . This must have been when I woke up . I saw I was participating at the making of a television show . There was Paschalis , an ancient , yet still alive , Greek singer that was very popular in the seventies . He has thick black hair and very white teeth . In my dream he dressed like Marilyn Manson . We were fooling around and he decided to cut my fringe . He caught it with his hand , pulled it forward and cut all the hair together . Under my green hair there were some purple tight with knots . I started removing these . I felt like going to the loo but it was occupied . Instead I got into a fridge and sat on a plastic box to do my number two . T . , a friend of my sister was holding the door for me but I could not do it . She was smiling at me but this did not improve things . I got out and said hello to A . , D 's friend that had just arrived . The location was deep in a forest . Somebody said there was fire . We could see the flames surrounding us . Some of us run into the forest to put out the fire . Me and P . sneaked away and run to the car . A fat man got in through the back door . He swore at as for abandoning the rest of the people and not going to help with the fire . We were not sure if we would manage to get out of the forest before the flames consumed us . I turned towards him and screamed that he could not blame us for anything because he was also running away and further more we were saving him . I woke up around eight o ' clock due to great pain in my abdomen and lower waist area . I tried to sleep some more and I saw that I was very swollen and round ; as big as a small elephant . Later I dreamt I was in my mothers house and we were redecorating . I was rearranging spaces and furniture . I formed a small living room into the entrance hall and separated another room with some new white furniture that resembled slightly the window of a pastry shop . There were these new white ones and all our old blue and brown furniture . The house felt very big and odd but it was a pleasant dream in general . I dreamt I was with my sister . She had a show and a party at some big club . I met her opposite this location , in a vast studio with a big double door . I was left there on my own for a little while . On a table there were lots of small handmade plus toys . I wondered why they had not been commissioned to me . I was looking at them , trying to choose mine . I could not find any one particularly expressive to take as a comrade and I thought I might take one of each . Then I saw the advert they were made for and though it was about cats none of the toys looked like a cat . I was wondering why that was . My sister returned to this space . She was in a hurry to go to the club across the street and I had to go with her . I was working at my laptop at that point and I had just shut it down . As it was turning off I told my sister to shut its lid as well but wait until the screen was dark . I told her multiple times but she closed it as it was , while the screen was still lit . I told her that I had told her so many times not to do that . She was nervous and had not been paying attention to me . I went out the big , heavy , grey door first . We went to the club . I realized I had left my camera in the previous space and asked one of the girls who had the keys to open it up for me but none of them had the time . I did not like this because I was not sure that it was there I had left it and that there for it was safe and sound , and I had to check . I also remember the club full of people dancing but nothing more . |
It is still so very weird to me that I actually believed all the things he said to me . And even weirder that it sill bothers me so much nearly seven years later . I feel utterly stupid that I didn 't get it that it was all a lie - but , you should know that it 's not ALL my fault ; he was really good at the lie . There 's a song by the band Seether in which the singer states : That pretty much sums up how I feel / felt / whatever . Ridiculously , in retrospect , I thought I was much smarter than that ; that no one could fool me so completely . Well , now I know that I was wrong on that count , too . You know , I guess it 's okay that it bothered - and bothers - me . I mean , I believed he was the love of my life since I was a teenager . In a way I only got involved with people who were , in a sense , disposable . Not too flattering - for them or me . I judged my feelings with everyone by my feelings for him , and their feelings for me by the way he had felt about me . Comparing is never a good practice , I know , but I didn 't know I was doing it . Well , I knew it , but I didn 't understand how MUCH I was doing it , nor how negatively it was impacting every romantic relationship of my entire life . I can see it now , of course ; I mean , don 't they say that hindsight is 20 / 20 ? Yepper . Definitely 20 / 20 . Even knowing all that now , though , I still don 't understand how I could be so taken in . Where were the signs that it was a lie ? Maybe … well , could 've been the small amount of time he was able to carve out for me after I drove over one thousand miles to spend time with him . Yeah , I guess that was a clue . I 'd be there a week and spend 80 % of my time alone . I guess that was a big sign , yes ? But when he was with me , he was WITH me . Loving me , crying , begging … and when I was away from him , there were hundreds of phone calls , thousands of texts . I mean , why would he do all of that if he was lying ? That 's what I couldn 't figure out . Unless , maybe , he WAS just trying to be kind to me - in a weird - wrong - twisted kind of way . He said later that he did it because he felt guilty that I had loved him so long . I had loved him . Hmmmm … . and that he had not been in love with me since nearly fifteen years earlier when he wanted to be with me but I said no - he had a child and one on the way . How could I break that up ? I couldn 't , so I sent him back to her and the children , knowing that was the right thing to do - and knowing that he would , in the end , hate me if he left his family and then wasn 't close to them . For a while I tried to believe that he was just saying all that about lying , that really he was a coward and just couldn 't pull the trigger . But I suppose I was wrong , and he really didn 't love me any longer . That is a horrible thing to accept … I kept others at arm 's length and never allowed myself to be happy because I was in love with him . When I believed we finally had a real chance at the happily ever after we both claimed to have always wanted … well , I was deliriously happy . And then I wasn 't . I just saw the movie , " Definitely , Maybe " on tv . It was really , really sweet . I admit to feeling a bit let down when he married the girl he did , but was so proud of a story that had his young daughter convince him to go see the love of his life once he and her mother were divorced . She encouraged her father because she wanted him to be happy . I was so pleased to see a movie where selfishness is not the main motivator of all the characters . It 's worth a watch if you like a little romantic dramedy . Rose sat bolt upright in her bed and looked around , confused . That 's odd , she thought . Why would I dream about him now ? She shook her head , took a drink of water from the carafe on her bedside table , and settled back under the comforter . Jeff slept soundly beside her , mouth open as usual , snoring . Sleep claimed her again , and this time it was dreamless . At work the next day , she felt off somehow , like something was nagging at the back of her brain . Throughout the day she drifted off into space , her mind blank , and it took her much longer than usual to get the client billing done . Then she had to complete an inventory of the editing truck they had brought back from the beauty pageant two days before . By the time she got home , she was exhausted and eager for bed . Luckily , Jeff wasn 't home when she got there , so she quickly showered , brushed her teeth , and put on her nightgown - an old , comfortable flannel one . She crawled into bed and fell asleep almost immediately . That night , when she awoke , she knew something was dreadfully , terribly wrong , and it wasn 't only the dream in which she had been trapped that filled her with fear . Afraid to look around the room , she opened her eyes only a very tiny bit , little reptilian slits darting around the room . Outside the moon was nearly full and the silvery glow was pouring into the bedroom window , making it easier to see than usual . Suddenly she knew what was wrong , but she couldn 't quite wrap her mind around it . Jeff was on the bed , on top of her - perhaps it seems incredible that she hadn 't known that sooner , but she had been deeply asleep , dreaming , and it had taken a while for her consciousness to fully rise to the surface . He was on top of her , naked . Her nightgown was pulled up around her hips . This in itself was not particularly odd , as he had some weird habit of fucking her ( yes , fucking , it certainly wasn 't making love ) when she was asleep - almost like he believed she would reject him if he approached her when she was awake . Which she probably would have done . This had happened several times now , though , and she just let it happen because it was easier than fighting him off . She had , to her credit , asked why he did that to her , had asked him to stop . His only answer to why was , " I don 't know " . His answer to being asked to stop was to wait a week or two before assaulting her again . This time , tIn a mercifully short time , Jeff was finished . She thought she would give herself away and jump up when she felt his hot sperm land on her stomach . It was all she could do to keep from wretching and flinching . She did stiffen like a board , knowing by then that he was too drunk or high and too aroused to notice much of anything except his own need . Her eyes tightly closed , she heard a dull thud as the hammer hit the floor , and the squeak of the bed springs as he fell over to the side . Within moments he was snoring . She lay there , tears flowing from her still - closed eyes , pulled down her night gown and moved as far from him as she could in the double bed they shared . She kept repeating to herself , That didn 't really happen . It didn 't . It was just a bad dream . He wouldn 't do that to me … To prove it , she forced herself to look down on the floor beside the bed to see if the hammer was really there . Shit . It was . She got up then , quickly , heedless of waking Jeff , and ran into the bathroom where she ( who NEVER vomited ) threw up repeatedly . She cried as she knelt in front of the toilet , great wracking sobs . Finally spent , she got up , washed her face and brushed her teeth , and returned to her house of torment . She climbed back into bed , careful this time not to do anything to disturb Jeff . She stayed on the very edge of the bed , tense and taught as a bowstring , waiting for the snake next to her to strike again . But he snored on peacefully . She hated him then , more than she ever had done in the past , but her hypervigilence took it 's toll and eventually she fell asleep again . In her sleep she saw Christopher . He was in a car when suddenly there was a bright flash of light and a nauseating crunch of metal . The next thing she saw was his crumpled body in the car . His face was bleeding , as was his arm , profusely . His leg looked to be at an odd angle . She screamed his name and woke up . Little more than a week later Jeff hit her for the first time and knocked her down the stairs . Later she would find it curious that he had done the two things she had specifically said she could not , would not , tolerate : sexual abuse ( she 'd had enough of that already ) , and physical abuse . The night he hit her , after she returned home with his " two fucking packs of cigarettes " , she had told him he had to leave . " I am going to my dad 's in two weeks to stay there for two weeks while he 's out of town . " He had looked at her angrily and replied , " Alone ? " She nodded . " Well , I don 't want to stay here at your mom 's house alone ! " She smiled at him . " That 's the general idea . Pack your shit and get the fuck out of my house . I don 't care where you fucking go , but you cannot , repeat , NOT , stay here . AND I want a divorce . " At that he cried and apologized for being such a bad husband . She just sighed and told him not to worry about it , that their marriage had been a mistake from the beginning , made for all the wrong reasons . She loved him , but not like a husband . She had felt gratitude towards him for " rescuing " her ( or so she thought ) from the relative who was sexually abusing her . When Christopher had written and told her to marry Jeff , be happy , and have lots of babies , what else was there for her ? ( Of course , that was partly her fault , too , as she had not told him the truth about what was going on or about how much she still cared - what if he didn 't want her ? What if he was repulsed by her now that she was damaged goods ? What if he didn 't love her , only pitied her ? Nah , better not to take any chances with that , just hope he would see through the lies she told him . But , he didn 't . ) No one cared or believed her when she tried to tell them about what was happening to her … She was angry at Jeff , but felt guilty because she , at least , had known she was doing something wrong in marrying him . Maybe that was why she took his abuse for so long : she believed she deserved it . Once it was said , Rose felt much better , much calmer , more at peace than she had in a very long time . She was able to sleep , although she went downstairs and slept with her sister . And again the dream came . The car wreck , Christpopher covered in blood , leg broken . This time , though , there was more . She was in the hospital standing by his bed . His head was bandaged and there were all kinds of IVs in his arm . She was holding his hand and talking to him , telling him that she loved him and that he would be fine . At one point his head turned towards her . She smiled at him and told him he would be fine , that she was with him . The shock on his face was almost comical . Then she woke up . What the hell ? ? ? ? she asked herself . " I 'm afraid of what I will hear … . I don 't know . Won 't you do this for me ? ? Please , pretty please with sugar on ? " " Hello " , she heard Donna say into the phone . " My name is Rose and I was trying to reach Christopher . Is he there by any chance ? " Instantly the grandmother 's tone changed to one of welcome . " Honey , let me give you his number , he will be so glad to hear from you ! Call him right away ! " " Well , honey , it 's funny you would ask that because about two weeks ago he was in a pretty bad car accident . " Donna 's eyes nearly popped out of her head and she looked at Rose in awe . " A car accident ? " Rose 's heart sank . " Yes , dear , and he broke his leg , and had some other hurts , but he 's okay now . So you give him a call . Bye now . " " Bye , ma ' am " , Donna said as she hung up the phone . " Did you hear that , Rose ? ? He was in a car accident , just like your dream ! And his leg was broken ! How did you know ? " " No . This is one call I need to make myself . " Breathing deeply , Rose picked up the phone and dialed the number Donna had scribbled on the paper . The phone was picked up on the second ring . It was him . " Hello ? " he asked . She was at a loss for a moment and didn 't know what to say . She lamely ended up saying , " Uh , hi . Bet you don 't know who this is ! " How lame was that , she thought to herself . Dead silence greeted her . " Um , hello ? Are you there ? " They began to talk , and it was like they had never parted , really . Suddenly he said , " You know , Rose , it 's really strange that you would call me now . I mean , at this time . " " Well , a couple of weeks ago I was in a pretty bad car accident " , he began . " I 'm okay now , but the strangest thing happened while I was in the hospital . There was a nurse there , and I couldn 't see her , but she was holding my hand and telling me that I would be fine . And she called me " Christopher " , not " Chris " like everyone else , and , well … it was YOU . I know it was you . Isn 't that stupid ? " He sounded embarrassed , like he wished he hadn 't told her . The next time she fell down the stairs , Rose didn 't trip on her pajamas . She tripped on her husband 's fist . She was twenty when it happened , and they had been married for nearly a year and a half . Already she was disenchanted and was trying to find a way out of it . Actually , if she was honest , she had known the day she married him that she was making a mistake , had cried throughout the entire ceremony , knowing she didn 't love this man , that she loved someone else … but somehow events had worked against her and she didn 't know what else to do . She worked for a video production company and had been up since four in the morning . She had been on a shoot at five , working hard , pulling cable , setting up equipment , assisting one of her favorite cameramen , Rick , as he climbed all over the newest addition to the Saudi Royal Navy 's fleet of ships . It hadn 't all been hard , dirty work . There had been a few light moments such as when two of the Saudi sailors had offered Rick two camels and a great deal of gold for his assistant . They had been quite insistent , too , until Rick ( who was like a big brother or uncle to her ) had finally put down his camera and grabbed Rose in a huge bear hug and told them , " She 's mine ! " Kiss on the lips . " You may not have her , not even for fifty camels ! ! " They had escaped the ship then , amidst a flurry of laughter . Rose always enjoyed working with Rick , had no idea how sad she would be several years later when he suddenly collapsed and died on the set of a nationally popular religious show . After the shoot had come the clean up , the long trek back to the studio where everything had to be put away . Bill and Jim had begun the arduous task of editing the footage from the day , and Rose knew that in the next few days she would be busy getting copies transferred from the United States NTSC standard to the Saudi PAL and SECAM . This night , however , she had to clear up some client billing paperwork before she could make the forty minute drive home . By the time she arrived at her mom 's house , it was after ten o ' clock , and she was exhausted . All she could think of was a shower and bed . She had to be back at work by eight thirty the next morning . She pulled up to the house , turned off the car , and just sat there , eyes closed , gathering the strength required to carry herself inside . She was surprised to see that her mother 's car wasn 't in the yard , but thought nothing of it . She looked up to the window of the bedroom she shared with Jeff and was sorry to see the light still on . Damn , I was hoping he would already be asleep , she thought to herself . Finally she opened the door and exited the car . It was dark out in the country , but the moon was full and she let its silvery shimmer guide her to the front door . As she walked up the stairs , she could hear the television in their room . As she reached the top of the stairs she forced a smile to her lips and walked into the room . Jeff was lying on the bed , a beer can leaning haphazardly on the bed beside him , two more , empty , lying on the floor . " It 's about time you got home , Rose " , he snapped . " Sorry " , she replied sarcastically , the smile fading from her face . " I was working . We had a Saudi commissioning today and I told you I would be late . " She felt annoyance begin to rise within her as she responded . " Uh , no . I worked until after nine and I came straight home . " As she said this she looked around the room and noticed the ashtray was overflowing with his cigarette butts . She hated the way he smoked his Marlboros down to the filter . She didn 't know why it pissed her off so much , just knew that it did . " Couldn 't you walk to the store to get some ? " The store was only a mile away , no big distance for a corn - fed country boy , as he liked to call himself . More like " fucking redneck " , she thought whenever he said that . " How was I supposed to get to the store ? " he shouted . " You had the fucking car all day ! And then you come home without any cigarettes for me ? How selfish is that ? " Now Rose was really angry , but she tried to remain calm . Confrontations repelled her . " Path of least resistance " , that 's me … . " Sorry I had the damn car , Jeff ! Sorry I was working , but someone has to . " She turned away from him to put down her purse in an effort to stop herself from saying anything more . " Oh , so now you 're giving me shit because I don 't have a job ? " he yelled . " What the fuck is up with that ? I look for a fucking job every fucking day . Don 't you dare treat me like that , Rose . Who do you think you are , your mom ? " " No , I didn 't mean it like that , Jeff . Look , I am sorry I didn 't bring you any cigarettes , but I didn 't know you needed any . I am sorry I had the car all day , but I had to work . I should have thought of bringing you something on my way home . Sorry " , she mumbled , defeated . When anger was directed at her she just folded . She didn 't know why she couldn 't get angry back , but she just couldn 't . Once she had known someone with whom she could get angry because she trusted him . She didn 't trust Jeff , though ; or anyone else for that matter . " I had to walk to Brinkman 's , Rose ! It 's a fucking mile there and a mile back ! Luckily I could stop at mom and dads on the way for a break and to get something to eat since there is never anything here in this fucking house ! " Right , Rose thought . You stopped at your folks ' house and then your dad drove you the rest of the way to Brinkman 's and then brought you back here . You damn fucking liar … She said nothing , however , just stared at him . Rose gave up . It just wasn 't worth the fight . " Whatever . I 'll go , but dammit , you are such an asshole ! " she yelled as she picked up her purse and turned to leave the room . He was behind her faster than she could imagine . He grabbed her arm and glared into her face ; she realized for the first time that his eyes were glazed over , his pupils the size of pinpoints . " What the fuck did you just say to me ? " He whispered menacingly . Now she was truly afraid . " Nothing , Jeff " she said as calmly as she could . " I 'm going to the store to get you some cigarettes . Would you like anything else ? " She tried to sound as conciliatory as possible , tried to be soothing . " You hate me , don 't you ? " he snarled . " No , Jeff , I love you . " In her head she was screaming , damn straight I fucking hate you ! , as she surreptitiously moved backwards towards the door . " You 're a liar ! " he screamed at her . When he lunged at her a split second later she almost got away . She made it out the bedroom door and was nearly to the steps when he grabbed her hair and swung her around to face him . " You are a fucking bitch ! " He yelled . " Go get some cigarettes ! " Then he did something he had never done before : he hit her . Hard . In the face . She felt pain , surprise , and confusion as she stumbled backwards , and then suddenly she was tumbling down the stairs . Her back , her hip , her head , all slammed repeatedly onto the wooden stairs and into the stucco covered wall . She landed in a crumpled heap on the first floor landing . She was never sure if she lost consciousness , but the next thing of which she was aware was looking up to see Jeff glaring at her from the top of the stairs . " Get me two fucking packs " , he yelled . Then he turned and went back into the room . Oh Christopher , she thought as the tears began to fall and the pain set in . What have I done and why aren 't you here to save me ? A few moments later she got up and headed to the store , wanting to get there before the bruises began to show . Nah , I lied . It 's not 4 : 03 . It 's 4 : 23 . But close enough for me . Guess I 've been singing that Shinedown song too much . Not so sure , though , if the poblem is that it is four in the morning or that it is the sixth of February . The day I got the message for which I had waited for sixteen years . First contact from you . Do you remember my reply ? My head is pounding again . I am so annoyed . For the past month , maybe , I had been doing really well . I wasn 't crying everyday or anything . Then that stupid migraine . And then my sister being so upset . And now : 6 February . Oh this sucks , and I am sure that Valentine 's day will probably be unfun , too . No great story to read , over which to sigh and smile as my heart flutters . Ouch . Then will come 7 March . Fucking - A . Happy Anniversary , Baby , got you on my mind - thank you , Little River Band . Could someone please just come knock me out so I can sleep through the next month ? ? I am running out of pain meds for the pounding in my head that never seems to truly stop … my ativan is running low for my erratic heartbeat … my body is running down from lack of good sleep … my eyes are frequently swollen from the tears I am again shedding - even in my sleep . I hate waking up to a wet pillow . Well . I can handle it . And I will be fine . This next month will be the bad patch , I think , then I will be okay again . I mean , hell , I 've done this ( lived in limbo without you ) for more years than I haven 't ( thirty - three , actually , and I 'm only forty - seven ) , so I can make it through the rest , I suppose . I just have to get through the next month without cracking up again … and considering what I have managed to get through already , a month should be easy - peezy . Yep . Easy . If only I can avoid any thought of you whatsoever and if I can sleep past 4 : 03 more nights than not . Damn Shinedown for putting that time in my head ! ! Why don 't I just hate you and not think of you ? |
The universe whispers . It 's whispered to me since before I was born , of the grief that echoed in my mother 's body from the death of a child born a year before me . It whispered that she yearned for me , and so I was born two months early , yanked into a shattered world . At first I thought it was only my world that was broken , but I came to realize that the whole world is shattered , like glass . Some pieces will cut you and become buried so deeply that you have to dig them out . Other pieces fall quietly , reflecting colors and light . Sometimes , when you look at a piece of shattered glass just the right way , in just the right light , a flame rises up that seems caught in it . I saw that flame in his eyes , in one flickering glance . When the world is shattered into a trillion fractals , it seems impossible that two pieces which fit together would ever find each other , but I remember what day it was : September 18 , 1974 , ten days before my fifteenth birthday . I remember because that was the day I put away the last journal of my childhood and started a new one . I wrote , " I saw the most beautiful boy today . I think he 'll kiss me one day . " I wished on a star for him to love me . And he ran away every time he saw me . It was a long time before I believed in stars again . His name was Jonathan . We were at school together , in Connecticut . A small , private school with few places to hide . I trapped him once or twice . I set my girlfriends scheming . The result was always that I was embarrassed , and he was mortified . But I was entirely transfixed by him . I had an unshakable belief that he would belong to me one day . I confided this to Sally , my dorm roommate . One Sunday evening , Sally concocted a game . We had all returned from our weekends away laden with care packages of snacks from home . The train had been late , so we missed dinner . As was customary when this happened , we opened our packages and shared them in a pile in the middle of the room . As we rifled through the pile , Sally filled a hat with slips of paper . She instructed us to name which boy we liked . This took awhile because each time a boy was named , we went through the list of his faults as well . " You like Scott ? You mean the Scott with no butt ? " Or , " You 'd kiss Eric ? You know what I saw him eating for lunch ? ! " By the time it was my turn , I wouldn 't say his name . In fact , I was feeling rather sensitive . It felt like an unkind game . I thought it would be safer just to be quiet , but of course I had confessed too much . " He mooned Erica 's mother when they were coming back to school from a game the other day , " one of the girls announced . " He and the Battista twins . They 're a bunch of hooligans . I don 't know what you see in him ! And he 's so short ! " I thought , " He 's short ? " I 'd never noticed . I 'd hidden in stairwells , memorizing his laugh . I 'd watched him fell teammates playing soccer . I 'd fallen off a tree stump gazing at his grin . But I 'd never noticed he was short . I was sure he had noticed my shortcomings , though . My uncontrollable hair , my nonexistent bust - oh , and the crutches . That yank into the world had saved my life , but not my ability to walk . But no matter how imperfect I felt I was , I couldn 't reconcile the thought that he could never love me with the whisper in my heart that said he most certainly would . " Take one ! " Sally commanded , pulling me back from my reverie . I looked around at the other girls . Everyone in the circle held a slip of paper except for me . " Come on , Mrs . Katz ! " Reluctantly , I unfolded the paper in my hand . I felt the blood rise to my face so violently that I was lightheaded . I couldn 't speak . " What ? What ? " the girl next to me demanded . She finally took the paper out of my hand and read , " He will be the father of your children . " Everyone broke into uncontrolled laughter while tears burned my eyes . It wasn 't just that they were teasing . It didn 't feel like a game to me . He didn 't feel like a game to me . I felt so trapped in my longing that I could barely breathe . I pulled my crutches to me and got to my feet with as much dignity as I could muster . I left the room , locked myself in a toilet stall , and cried . In the midst of my tears , I pulled a quarter out of my pocket and scraped a heart into the paint . By then , the girls were ready to go to bed and knocked on the door , impatient with me . When I returned to our room , Sally was not there , but the slip of paper was . It was carefully laid out on my desk , peeking out from under one of my notebooks . She had scrawled " SORRY ! " on my note pad . No one else apologized to me for that night . No one ever asked how I was , or why I was crying over such a silly game . But the next morning , and many mornings thereafter , the heart in the bathroom stall grew . Someone traced a bigger heart over my small one . And someone drew a bigger heart over that . There were probably fourteen of them , rippling out from the one I drew by the time the stall was repainted . One day , I heard his voice again . I thought I was dreaming , but it was persistent , and it was definitely not the universe whispering . When I turned , I saw him , hanging half out of the passenger 's side window of a car that was stopped at a light . He was shouting my name loudly across three lanes of traffic . Our eyes met , and I felt that flame . It was deep , and it was hot . There wasn 't time to say anything more . The light changed , and he was gone . I sat on a bench outside the sandwich shop where I had just bought my lunch and cried . After a time , my brother appeared beside me . " I just need to go home . " I was 18 , but I had not been allowed to learn to drive . My brother , who was two years younger , drove us an hour back and forth to school every day . " It was Jonny , wasn 't it ? Doesn 't he go to school around here ? You have to go home because you saw him ? Did he even see you ? What ? Did he finally look at you ? " He couldn 't keep himself from laughing . He got up and indicated the open door to the car , which he 'd parked illegally at the curb . " Asshole at your service , " he said . " Let 's go home . " I stole a campus directory . I tried to call him . I never let the phone ring long enough for anyone to answer . I dragged the phone and the cat into my room and dialed the number fifteen times in three hours . And then I cried . Because I wasn 't brave enough . Because there was no way to get to that place I felt in my heart . It was the end . Stars and slips of paper held no magic after all . After graduation , I packed my luggage to travel to California . I didn 't plan to return home . I also didn 't plan to take that old backpack , but there were a few things I simply could not leave behind . And there , in a pocket meant for a key , I found the slip of paper , that secret yearning I had hidden there so many years before . I read it once , twice , twenty times , before I could let it go . I burned it on the patio outside my bedroom . It was a beautiful night . A thousand stars I no longer trusted burned in a sky that was much bigger than I would ever be . The flame released the paper , and the ash flew up , but I could not release the flame inside of me . It became deeply buried , and I grew up around it . Years later , I heard Jonathan had married and his wife had given birth to twins . I was steely by then . I 'd moved on . I 'd been in a relationship for many years myself , a relationship I was trying to end by having a passionate affair with a married man . I needed to get away from both men , one of whom loved me and shouldn 't , and the other who had resorted to violence against me . I took money I 'd inherited and moved to Oregon without telling either of them . And there I lived , quietly single for twelve years . I tore at the fabric by dating a few times , but it just made me feel more lonely This time I shouted to the universe before she whispered to me . " So , I just never find love . Is that it ? That 's my lot in life ? " And I surrendered everything I thought I knew . I had no idea how powerful this message to the universe was . I fell in love . With a woman . Asha . She became my wife . We began living the life that happens when flame reflects flame . And I forgot about Jonathan for a long time . Decades of using crutches was wearing on my body . I continued to work , but I started to suffer chronic pain in my arms . I was in a manual wheelchair at first , caring for our infant daughter . It was hard to admit that even the manual chair was too much . I needed a power chair , and we needed a bigger house to accommodate it , along with the second child we planned . We found a big house , bigger than we ever thought we 'd need . It had six bedrooms and an in - law apartment on the lower floor . We fell in love with it and risked everything to buy it . When our son was born , I was 48 years old . I was driving a minivan with two child seats in the back . I was running my own business . I was living the life I 'd always dreamed of . I was spinning on an axis of joy . I wanted for nothing . And then the universe started to whisper again . The social networking algorithms popped Jonathan into my feed as someone I might know . The first time it happened , I said to myself , " Yeah , I know you . I don 't think you want to know me . " I clicked the X that was supposed to make the suggestion go away and not appear again . That worked for awhile , but we had too many friends in common . The algorithm triggered again . And again . One day , I gave in and went to his page . There was that grin , the fire - blue eyes , a little less hair . Okay , a lot less hair , but still my Jonathan . He was in a relationship . For the first time in decades I had to swallow back tears . I turned my computer off and left the office . There was a torrential rain that day . The windshield wipers couldn 't keep the rain from blurring my vision . And then I realized I was crying . Lyrics to a song on the radio - a song I had never heard before that moment - melted me completely . I was sobbing . It was a deep , body - shaking grief . I had to pull over . A wellspring of grief had opened in my heart . I couldn 't avoid the feeling that Jonathan and I had unfinished business . I decided to write to him . I was prepared to weather his silence , his rejection , his anger . What I wasn 't prepared for was his actual response . He wrote that the way he 'd treated me had always weighed on his conscience . He explained that his older brother had been disabled by a genetic disorder that ran in his family . In high school , he had begun to live his life for his brother . He became the sports star , the achiever , the golden boy his brother could never be . He spoke of love so deep that I felt it in my own heart . When he got to the moment where it fell to him to make the decision to discontinue his brother 's life support following a surgery , I was broken so wide open that all I could do was sob . " I 'm sorry , " he wrote . " It was too much for me that you had a disability , too . I couldn 't handle it . I was a coward . Thank you for giving me the chance to say I 'm sorry . " " He 's searching , " I said . " He 's lost a job . He 's losing his home . He thinks that 's all he is . I think he needs us . " " Right , " she smiled . " It 's all about him . " She saw something I didn 't say . It was impossible to hide the " fifteen - for - a - moment " side of me who might finally have him in the same room with me voluntarily . " Are you sure you won 't need help climbing down the trellis outside the bedroom window in the middle of the night ? " There 's nothing quite like being married to your best friend . " No , Honey . On this , I pinky swear . You are stuck with me forever . " He brought me some things , including a newspaper clipping from the local paper about a play he starred in and I stage - managed - one of the many ways I finagled to be in the same room with him on a regular basis . He was also forced to talk to me if he forgot his lines . It made me blush to remember what a silly little girl I had been . He chuckled at me . " Wait , wait ! That 's not all . I didn 't even know I had this . I found it when I was looking for the picture . " Dear Jonathan , “… to be remembered if only by someone , for awhile , is a form of immortality , is it not ? … " I signed it , Love , Mindy . My former name . I stopped breathing for a moment . I had certainly written it . I didn 't remember giving it to him . There were a lot of awkward silences those two days . I had seen his psychological prison and now he was seeing my physical one . I 'd warned him that I was no longer walking on my crutches , but I know the reality was shocking . Sometimes the children interjected themselves into the moments we couldn 't speak . Once , when Jonathan was sitting on a stool in front of our bay window , lost in his own thoughts , our seven - year - old daughter , Wren , perched herself on his lap and occupied herself looking at his hands . " You 're not wearing a ring . We love you . You could marry us , " she said , full of the childhood innocence of how things can work . We all teared up - Jonathan , Asha , and I . " Why not ? " Wren persisted . " Don 't you love my Mom ? She loves you . " " You could be our daddy . We don 't have one . " The memory of that slip of paper came back to taunt me . I wanted to crawl under a rock . I felt like my past and present with Jonathan was being nailed into the same coffin . " So , this is the way it ends , " I thought . " I am everything he loathes and fears . We won 't even be friends . " I brought him a glass of wine the last hour we spent together . We were alone in the house , and sunlight was pouring through the picture window in the living room . My cat had crawled into his lap . His hand shook when he took the wine from me . When I saw that he was crying , I got out of my chair to sit next to him . " There 's so much love in this house , " he said . " I 've never been in a home like this . I don 't want to leave , and I don 't know why . " Tears sprang into my eyes , too . " I don 't know whether to be complimented or insulted . " The truth was , I felt ugly and old , and it still mattered somewhere deep in my heart that I couldn 't be what he wanted . " It 's not you . It 's just that being here I realize how I haven 't been present in my life . Not for myself . Not for my kids . I keep wondering what you saw in me . " " I don 't . I wonder less now than I ever did . Now we all love you . You have all of us , if you ever need that . " There are some connections in life that you can 't break by walking away , and there are some doors , once opened , that can never be closed again . Jonathan returned to a life which had been a safe place to hide but was now a jungle of confusion , and I was left with a feeling of incompleteness in my once - complete world . It took us awhile to admit this to each other , as though if we didn 't say it , it wouldn 't be so . But it was . Nothing was the same . " His hidey - hole is a crypt with a street address , " I said . " He uses therapy as an intellectual exercise . He needs people . He needs love . He needs us . " And then , unexpectedly , I began to cry . " It 's like I can 't get comfortable in my own skin anymore . " She laughed at me , " I don 't think he can stay away . Look , ask him or don 't . It 's up to you . The kids love him . We have the apartment downstairs . It 's possible we need him as much as he needs us , you know . " " I love him . " It was the first time I had ever said it to her . " It 's so ancient in me . I feel like he 's mine , like I can 't just leave him out in the cold anymore . " I went to my computer to write to him , only to find that he 'd written me to ask if he could stay with us for a week in September - the week of my birthday . He wanted to build some ramps so I could get out of the house in my power chair . He could not forget my prison . And I could not forget his . In late August , there was a storm , a rare tornado that touched down briefly not far from his house . His heart was stormy , too . He 'd broken off his relationship . It was the last tether he had besides the phone in his hand . He texted me , " I 'm sitting outside in all this wind . I don 't care if it blows me away . I 'm in the worst pain I 've ever felt in my life . " I texted back , " Don 't wait . Just come here now . Stay as long as you want . " And then I said a prayer for the wind to blow him home to me . To my surprise , the next morning I awoke to an email . He wrote , " I changed my plane reservation . I 'm coming in on the 18th . I 'd like to stay for six weeks , if that 's okay . " On September 18 , 2012 , ten days before my fifty - third birthday , Jonathan walked into our house again . It was eleven - thirty at night . Of course I had been waiting for him , staying with the kids while Asha went to the airport to pick him up . A full moon hung low by the window and cast a milky shadow across the floor . I got out of my chair and leaned against the kitchen counter as soon as I heard the car pull in . It isn 't easy for me to stand anymore , but I intended to give him a hug - the kind of face - to - face hug that most people take for granted . He saw me standing . I felt suddenly shy that I had done it . He knew I stood up for him . I could see it in his eyes , which for once were fixed entirely upon me . He walked slowly and purposefully toward me across the kitchen floor . And he kissed me . We all have days when we have a hard time motivating ourselves to do the things we should do . We also have days when we have a hard time motivating ourselves to do the things we want to do . But what if this happens every day ? What if you start and end every day with the feeling that you are accomplishing nothing . Are you subconsciously counting your days by your failures ? Think about it . If you have a list in your head every day of what you feel you must accomplish , do you constantly beat yourself up for what you didn 't get done ? If so , then this is precisely why you can 't get anything done . It 's likely that your goal is overwhelming - whether you want to write a great novel , or you need to finish that report by the deadline . No great novel was ever written in a day , or maybe you already know that it 's going to take you more time than you have to finish that report . If your goal is to " finish my novel " or " complete the report , " then you are not giving yourself opportunities to feel your successes daily . If you 're writing a novel , a more realistic goal might be write one page a day , or one chapter . Or it may not have to do with writing at all to begin with . Maybe your goal is to be at your desk by nine o ' clock in the morning to do research . Or if you know you can 't complete the report in one day , then the goal should be to negotiate a new deadline or ask for help . Whatever you decide to do , make sure that you experience some success every day . Success builds on itself , the same way the feeling of failure does . Once you succeed at meeting a goal consistently , add another piece of the project . " I will be at my desk at nine o ' clock " may become " I will be at my desk at nine o ' clock doing research for my novel , " which then becomes , " I will be at my desk at nine o ' clock to do research for my novel , write ten pages , and stop by three - thirty . " If you add expectations to your daily goal and find that you are consistently not meeting the goal with the added expectation , return to a goal you were meeting , and then try again . It 's important to keep yourself in a place where you can experience success every day . And it 's also important not to beat yourself up if you need to go back and find that place . Remember , if this happens , there is nothing wrong with you . There is something wrong with the goal . Is your goal realistic ? I had " Be an Actress " on my to - do list when I was fourteen years old . I did , at some point , come to grips with the fact that this was never going to happen . Sometimes you have to be brutally honest with yourself . This does not mean you should give up , or that you shouldn 't have lofty goals , but it does mean that sometimes you should shift your focus in order to stop the cycle of feeling like a failure . I will never be an actress , but I do think I can write an academy - award - winning screenplay . I didn 't give up my Hollywood goal , but I did change it to something that I honestly believe I can accomplish . Is there a reason you can 't meet your goal ? This can be as simple as not having the right tools , or as complex as suffering from chronic pain or depression . If you don 't have the right tools , your goals should center around what you need to accomplish your goal , long before they center around the actual goal . If you need sharpened pencils and paper , then that , as simple as it is , should be on your to - do list . It 's a pretty easy success to sharpen pencils and find some paper . If you need a new computer or a better Internet connection , figure out a way to get those things . That should be on your to - do list . If you need a new computer and this has been on your to - do list for awhile because you can 't afford one , then your immediate goal might be something like , " Figure out one thing I can change in my budget in order to save money for a new computer . " If you can 't accomplish that , your goal may morph into something like , " Barter with Dude down the street who tinkers with computers . " Whatever form your goal ultimately takes , you are that much farther ahead by simply having thought about it . If you are not accomplishing your goals because of a chronic condition , you may have to make your goal pretty simple until you feel well . " Get out of bed " is the best some people can do some days . Make the simplest things your opportunity for success . Build on them every day that you 're successful , or back off if you are not succeeding . " Get out of bed " has the potential to become , " Get out of bed , feel grateful for another day , eat a healthy breakfast , be at my desk at nine o ' clock , and write one chapter . " We constantly clutter our lives with things we should do . Of course , there are things we most want to do , which often get pushed to the bottom of the list by things we should do . This can leave you feeling resentful and resistant . You will never accomplish a goal in this state of mind . If you hate yourself for always buying the brownies for the school bake sale and putting them in your own Tupperware , then stop doing it . Take volunteering for the school bake sale off your mental to - do list . When you start feeling success every day , you may experience some profound changes . Feeling successful every day will help you to feel better physically and emotionally . I have actually come to the place in myself where I no longer believe in failure . Even if I never accomplish my loftiest goal , I have not failed ; I will have learned something . I 'll have stories to tell . I 'll make new friends . I might accomplish something that never even made it to my to - do list . The point isn 't actually to accomplish everything you put on your to - do list . The point is to live your potential . The point is to do the best you can . Look every day for your successes - sometimes they will be the tiny whispered secrets in your soul . Sometimes they will be big enough for anyone who looks to see them . But they will be there . Every day . Without fail . |
Actually , I had no intention of holding back this chapter , longer than one day . But I was hoping to get a bit more email out of it ! So for those who have emailed me , Thank you ! Thanks must go out to Neo , Chris , Rune and Justin for talking with me ! ! And if you haven 't already done so . . . go read my other story Blissful Tears ! Its about Brian and AJ . . . and in my * unbiased * opinion , its a good story ! : D Disclaimer : Well , I 'd hope by now everyone knows it , but just in case : 1 . If you shouldn 't be here , don 't tell me and don 't get caught ! 2 . I don 't know any of the people mentioned in the story . . . it 's fiction folks ! If you have any comments about this story as always , please email me at kenitra _ canada @ hotmail . com I try to respond to every single email I get ! I walked out the door and quickly took the elevator back up to the suite . As I showered and changed , I tried to forget what Ray said . I knew he was just trying to create problems between Scott and I . But I couldn 't completely ignore his words . Had it been that obvious that I was worried at the press conference ? Was it obvious to people that I was in love with Scott ? The concert that night was not my best . I know I screwed up a few times . I also caught Ray leering at me , breaking my concentration . I was relieved when we made it to the bus . We were driving overnight to Salt Lake City and Scott was going to meet us there . I couldn 't wait to see him again . Chapter 34 Scott 's flight was due in to Salt Lake late in the afternoon . Nick finally convinced me to go with him and Kevin out to see the large lake . I decided it would help make the time go faster . I found myself enjoying the time with my cousin and my best friend . It had been a while since we 'd done anything together that wasn 't group related . We joined up with a tour and listened to the tour guide explain the history of the lake and the nearby salt flats . I opened the door and froze , my breath catching in my throat . Stretched out on the bed , wearing only a pair of boxers was my Angel . He was asleep on his back ; his firm hairless chest rising and falling with each breath . I stood in the doorway staring at him for a few moments before finally closing the door . I quietly stripped out of my dirty clothes and walked over to the bed . I wondered how he got to the hotel so early and how he got into the room without a key . He looked so incredibly peaceful lying there . I hated to disturb him , but I also wanted to see his smile and beautiful bright green eyes . I lay down on the bed next to him , on my side and watch him for a moment . " Are you going to stare at me all day ? " Scott suddenly spoke , making me jump . I glared at him , watching the laughter light up his now open eyes . I gently slapped his stomach . " You know I do have a heart condition , " I said with a pout . " Kevin and Nick dragged me out on a tour . We saw the lake and some salt deposits , " I replied , nibbling on his ear . " How did you get back so early ? " I asked . Scott moaned softly , enjoying my ministrations . " I was … um … able to uh . . . " Scott stumbled over his words , distracted by what my hands were doing as they worked down his body . He gasped as my hand reached under the elastic waist of his boxers . " I managed to switch to an earlier flight ! " he gasped out before I destroyed his train of thought . " Oh God Love ! " he breathed as my hand wrapped around his hardness . Suddenly Scott rolled us both over so I was on the bottom . He began kissing me with ferocious passion , thrusting his hips against me . " What was that all about ? " I asked softly . Scott knew what I was talking about . Our lovemaking had been almost animalistic . Scott had ripped my boxers off and ravaged me . Never hurting , but I knew he had left a few small bite marks here and there . He had been careful when he first penetrated me , but then he began to slam into me like never before . All I could do was hold on and enjoy the ride . And I did enjoy it , but it wasn 't my Scott , at least , not the one I was used to . He sighed deeply . " Its just … I don 't really know … its everything and its nothing . " He sighed in exasperation . He rolled over onto his back and I put my arm across his chest . " For some reason I thought things would be easier back here , " he said softly . " Nothing personal , but you guys have never been as big here , not like in Europe and Asia . " That was true ! I laughed softly and rubbed his warm chest . " But now … with Millennium , you guys are huge and the scrutiny is intense . " He rolled onto his side to look at me . " So many people want a piece of you and I 'm still having trouble adjusting to that . Its nothing you have done Brian , its just the whole atmosphere . " Another deep sigh . " Does any of that make sense ? " he asked softly . I had to think about everything he 'd said . It was a lot to digest . I understood what he was saying . The fan and media attention in the US was tremendous and a little unexpected . But I hadn 't noticed it as much as Scott obviously had . I guess it was because I 'd been in the business for so long and had got used to the attention in the other parts of the world . It still didn 't explain what had brought this to a head . We 'd been touring for months , over two weeks in the US yet all of this just exploded after his visit with Nora . Scott shook his head . " No . We had a really nice visit and she loved the video you guys sent . She was supposed to be released today or tomorrow so she promised to get back on - line as soon as she could . " I cuddled against Scott as I was reminded of what she went through . " How is she really doing ? " Scott hugged me tightly . " She 's a fighter Bri . She 's talking to a therapist and is determined not to run and hide . I think she 'll be okay . Although she misses us … well , she really misses Nicky . Remind me to mention that to him . Maybe he could visit her on the next break , " Scott suggested . We lay quietly together for a few minutes until Kevin knocked at the door , reminding me that I had to pick Scott up at the airport . We pulled on boxers and t - shirts then let Kevin in , laughing at his surprised reaction . The others came to our room upon hearing that Scott was back . They wanted to know how Nora was and what she thought of the video . We spent the next hour talking as Scott filled them in about Nora . I threw myself into work the next couple of weeks . I wanted to work on improving my dancing , and I was also trying to write music . I admit , I also avoided going out . In each new city , meeting with new media people , we continued to get asked about the Paris press conference . The media was looking for a story and I wasn 't going to be it . I know Scott wanted me to go out sometimes with him and the others , but I remembered the time I did go out . He had really been hurt by my behavior and I didn 't want that happening again . It was better for me to stay in the hotel , and let Scott have some fun doing other things . Whenever we were together , I made sure to be as attentive as I could . I didn 't want him to feel neglected . The tour had reached Los Angeles . We were sitting around talking about plans and the others were leaning towards going to the beach . No matter how much I wanted to go , I immediately realized it would be too risky . I had a hard enough time not staring at Scott when he was fully dressed , but at the beach ? In a swimsuit ? I was sure my feelings would be too obvious , if they weren 't already . I decided to stay at the hotel and work on some music . I was a little surprised when Scott didn 't even try to change my mind . The others all got ready , and I told Scott to have fun . Once they left , I picked up my note book and guitar and went to the balcony . I had just sat down when someone knocked on the door . I found Kathy , Michelle and Nicole , three of our dancers there . I thought about it for a few seconds . I really wasn 't in the right mindset for song writing . Maybe a workout would do me good ? " Okay ! Sounds good . Just give me a couple of minutes to change , alright ? " The three nodded . I quickly brought my guitar back into the room , grabbed some shorts and a t - shirt from my suitcase , going to the bathroom to change . A few minutes later , I was ready to go . I called one of our assistants to let her know where I would be . I knew how much everyone worried if they lost track of us ! The four of us went downstairs to the fitness center . We went into the weight room and found some mats over next to the wall . We all sat and began to stretch . The girls chatted , telling me jokes , making me laugh . They were always fun to be around . We 'd only been there for a couple of minutes when I heard someone else come into the room . I looked up and saw Ray walking towards us . I refrained from frowning in displeasure . The girls knew Ray was gay and always coming on to me . There was no point in being rude to him . At least with other people around there wasn 't much he could do . I politely moved over to give him room on the mat . Kathy noticed the awkward silence and cracked a joke , making all of us laugh . I resumed stretching for a few more minutes before moving over to the machines . I worked for about forty minutes switching from the machines , to free weights to the treadmill before I finished . I 'd worked up a real sweat , but felt good . Ray had not made any comments either so I had been able to relax . But I didn 't want to push my luck , so I decided to leave before the girls left . I didn 't want to be alone with Ray . " Thanks for inviting me ladies , " I said as I gathered up my towel . " I had a good workout and enjoyed your company . " I pointedly ignored Ray as I walked out of the room . I debated about taking a shower in the gym change rooms or just going back up to the room . I decided on the room so I wouldn 't run into Ray again . I walked out to the elevator and took it up to the tenth floor . I noticed Marcus sitting at the end of the hall and waved . " Hey Brian , Scott is back , " he called out to me . I was surprised . What happened to the beach ? " Really ? When did he get back ? " I asked . Marcus shook his head . " Not sure . I was in my room , but one of your assistants , Sarah , stopped by and mentioned that Scott had been looking for you . " " Okay . Thanks Marcus . " I put the keycard in the lock of my room and opened the door . Just as I walked into the room , I could see Scott walking in from the balcony carrying his laptop . I couldn 't help but smile at him . " Hi there . Marcus said you were back , " I said . I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out some clean clothes . " I would give you a kiss but I 'm totally sweaty , " I added with a grin . Scott smiled and sat down on the bed . " Once you 've showered , can we sit down and talk for a few minutes ? " he asked . I didn 't like the sound of his voice . I paused and looked at him intently . " Of course Angel . Is something wrong ? " I tried to hide the fear in my voice . I walked over to stand in front of him . I was relieved when he wrapped his arms around my waist and hugged me . " Nothing 's wrong Love . But I 'm going to take a little trip . " He squeezed me tightly then gave me a little push back . " Don 't worry about it . Go shower , you stink ! " he added with a laugh . I relaxed a little . At least he wasn 't angry with me . I walked into the bathroom to take a quick shower . Scott was taking a trip ? Where was he going ? More importantly , why was he going and for how long ? The idea of him leaving , even for a short time , frightened me . Because I knew there was always a chance that he wouldn 't come back . I knew he loved me . I couldn 't doubt that . And my love for him was overwhelming . But I also knew enough to know that things were not perfect between us . I quickly finished my shower and tried to push my doubts and worries out of my mind . I dried myself then wrapped one towel around my waist . I grabbed a second towel as I walked back into the room and used it to dry my hair . Scott was on the balcony and turned to lean against the doorframe . He watched me with those brilliant green eyes and I was reminded again why I fell in love with him . He was kind and generous , perhaps to a fault . But he was also smart and unbelievably sexy . I couldn 't help but smile at him as he watched me . I walked over to the suitcases and pulled out some clean boxers . I slipped them on and discarded the towel . Scott walked into the room , closing the balcony door behind him . He sat down on the bed and patted the spot beside him . I sat down and we both leaned against the headboard . I reached over and picked up his hand . Scott glanced at me and squeezed my hand . " Yeah . I 've been avoiding it for a while , but I really need to go home and visit with my client companies in person , " he explained . " I thought I could do that and catch up with Drew and some other friends at the same time . " I held in a giant sigh of relief . I still hated the thought of him leaving , but at least he wasn 't leaving because of me . " I guess that makes sense , " I said slowly . " We have been hogging you for a while haven 't we ? " I turned to look at him . " When were you thinking of going and for how long ? " I asked . " Actually , I booked a flight out tomorrow afternoon , Bri . I thought I would go for two weeks . You guys will be in Detroit and I can meet up with you there , " he said quickly . That soon ? I wondered when he had decided to leave . I certainly had no intention of trying to change his mind , but two weeks ? " That soon huh ? And for that long ? " I voiced my thoughts . I inhaled deeply and released the breath . " I 'm going to miss you Angel . I understand that you have to keep your clients happy . You 're lucky your job is so flexible . " I was trying to be supportive , but it was hard . I sighed . " But that doesn 't mean I 'm going to be happy being away from you for so long . " I turned to him and touched his cheek . " You know I 'm going to miss you like crazy , Scott . I 've got used to having you around , " I added with a grin . Scott leaned towards me and kissed me softly . " I 'll miss you too Love , " he said softly . " It will be strange not having you next to me while I sleep . But , it 's only for a couple of weeks . And I promise to email you and call you as long as you promise me the same . " I smiled . " I promise . " I leaned forward to kiss him again . " You know , " I said , kissing along his jaw and up to his ear . " If … * kiss * … you … * kiss * … are … * kiss * … going to … * kiss * … be gone … * kiss * … for so … * kiss * … long , " I paused to suckle on Scott 's ear and he couldn 't hold back a moan . " I need to … " I began to kiss down his neck as my hands roamed up under his shirt . " Stock up on some loving , " I finished . Scott was in such a state that he couldn 't respond in words . But the response of his body was enough ! We were lying entwined on the bed a few hours later when we heard the loud voices in the hall . Scott 's fingers were softly running up and down my arm and shoulder while I was occupied planting butterfly kisses on his warm throat and neck . " Maybe we should go have dinner with them , so I can tell them about my plans , " Scott suggested quietly . I tensed as the reality of things returned to me . I knew I was being selfish , but I couldn 't help it . I sighed and rolled over onto my back . " I was hoping you would forget about your plans , " I said with a rueful smile . Scott softly kissed my lips . " Sorry Love . It won 't be that bad . You will be busy with the concerts and rehearsals . Maybe you can get out more with the guys too , " he added . I paused and frowned . What did that mean ? " Maybe . " I looked at him intently . " That 's not why you 're leaving , is it ? " I asked , fear suddenly coursing through me . " Not really , " Scott replied evasively . Scott sighed and sat up to face me . " Brian , I really do need to go home and meet with my clients . That 's the truth . But we both know that we don 't go out at the same time . While I 'm gone , you can spend some more time with the guys , like what you did today with Nick and Kevin , " he said gently . Oh God ! How could I argue with that ? It 's true . I wished I could deny it , but Scott knew the truth and I hated that he was right . Scott pulled me to him in a tight hug . " Brian , I love you ! Never forget that . I 'm going to go home for two weeks , then I 'll be back , " he promised . I nodded against his shoulder . " Okay Angel . And when you come back , we need to sit down and have a serious conversation about all of this , okay ? " I really meant it . I was hurting him , yet he still loved me . I wasn 't being fair and we had to work this out before one of us was hurt even more . " Agreed , " he said and kissed my cheek . Scott pulled away and climbed off the bed , turning to look at me . " Come on , Love . Lets track down those friends of ours and see what they want to do for dinner , " he suggested , holding out his hand to me . I smiled and took his hand . We pulled on our clothes and walked out into the hallway . Listening , we could hear sounds coming from the room across and down the hall . We knocked on the door and pushed it open when we heard a muffled call from inside . It was AJ 's room , but AJ wasn 't around . Then I heard the shower and figured that 's where he was . Nick and Kevin were playing a video game , with Howie cheering Kevin on , knowing that realistically Kevin didn 't have a hope of beating Nick . It was always fun watching them try . I 'd long since given up trying to win . Scott grinned and led me over to the bed where we sat down . I was glad to have the warmth of his hand in mine for as long as possible . " Have a good time at the beach ? " Scott asked . Howie shrugged . " Well , it was hot and the water was wet ! A lot of fans too , " he said with a grimace . I was glad I decided not to go . Just as Kevin finished speaking , AJ walked out of the bathroom . " I 'm here ! Let the party begin ! " he announced , making us laugh . Scott got up and walked over to AJ , pulling him into a hug . AJ looked stunned . AJ grinned . " Ah , talking to my guy today were you ? How is he ? " he asked as he walked over to the dresser to change his earrings . Scott laughed . " You know , someone might think you two don 't talk to each other . He 's good . He actually wanted me to smuggled you in my suitcase but I said that wouldn 't be a popular plan , " he added . Silence suddenly enveloped the room . I watched Scott as he realized what he 'd said . Well , no time like the present . He looked around to find the others staring at him . " Um yeah . I was telling Brian earlier . I 'm going to go back to Toronto for a couple of weeks . I need to visit with my clients in person and I 'd like to visit with my friends too . I thought I 'd catch up with you guys in Detroit , " Scott added and waited for their response . " I 'm flying out tomorrow afternoon . I was hoping we could all have dinner together tonight … that is if none of you have plans ? " Scott suggested . The others agreed . We discussed what we would do , and Kevin finally called down to the hotel lobby and found they had a small private room we could use . It would be a nice change from eating in the rooms , yet not as open as eating in public . Everyone went back to their rooms and changed . I was quiet as we dressed . I was thinking about the reasons Scott was leaving . Sure , he had to see his clients . I could understand that . But I knew he was also leaving to get away from me for a while . I 'm not sure how I knew . But I did . It hurt that he thought he needed time away from me . Then I realized I was still being selfish . Scott really only had the five of us to hang out with . The group had been together for so long , that they truly were my best friends . It was different for Scott . He had other friends that he 'd know much longer than he 'd know me . It was unfair of me to expect him to drop them completely just because I wanted him with me all of the time . The six of us had a great time at dinner . Kevin told us how he and Sheri were doing . She had taken on an internship in New York as part of her course , which is why she hadn 't been able to fly out to visit on the tour . But she did have some time off near the end of the month and hoped she and Kevin could get together . I could tell Scott was happy things were going so well for them . They both were handling the long distance situation admirably . We ate and talked late into the evening . Eventually we returned to our rooms . I wanted to make the rest of the night special for Scott . We made gentle love into the early hours of the morning , before drifting to sleep . Scott joined us at rehearsal the next day . It was in the early afternoon , leaving enough time for me to go with Scott to the airport in the limo . I reminded him how much I would miss him , and hoped he knew it was true . Scott promised to call me when he got into Toronto . I didn 't care that we would probably be in the middle of the concert . I just want to be sure he arrived safely . As Scott stepped out of the limo , I couldn 't help but feel sad and lonely . Somehow , I knew something was about to change . I just didn 't know what . The next two weeks dragged by . Scott kept his promise and we talked at least once a day . It sounded like he was having a lot of fun visiting friends and family . I was happy for him , at the same time feeling sorry for myself . But while he was gone , I thought a lot about our relationship . I had a couple of conversations , with Nick and Kevin , which made me realize what a jerk I 'd been . One of the early conversations Scott and I had had was about hiding our relationship and the media . We both had decided that we would take precautions , but if the press really wanted to find out , we couldn 't stop them . And we couldn 't let the media control our lives . Yet , that is exactly what I 'd been doing . Even before I 'd met Scott , the other guys had told me they supported me one hundred percent . I knew I had to change my thinking and attitude , especially about going out in public with Scott , or else our relationship could be in trouble . We were finally in Detroit for three days . I was beginning to get excited . Scott had said he would catch up with us on Sunday , and it was Friday night when we arrived at the hotel . I wasn 't sure I 'd make it through the next forty - eight hours . I decided to go to bed early and get a good night of sleep . I 'd just got into bed when my cell phone rang . " Hello ? " I said . " Really ? " I asked excitedly . " Yeah . I 'm going to drive to Detroit early tomorrow . So I 'll see you in the morning . " I couldn 't believe it ! My Angel would be here in less than twenty - four hours . It felt like an eternity since I 'd seen him . " You mean it Angel ? I didn 't think you were coming until Sunday ! I love you so much , you 're amazing , " I said . " I love you too Bri . Now it 's late , so get some sleep so you 're not falling asleep on me tomorrow , okay ? " he said . I could hear the smile in his voice . " Hey , you never complained about me sleeping on you before ! " I protested , making him laugh . " Well , there are other things I 'd rather do , " he said , sounding very sexy . " Love you too , Bri . See you tomorrow . " I shut off the phone and sat up in bed . Now that I knew he was coming , I was wide - awake . But I knew I needed to get some sleep . Hopefully , he would tire me out tomorrow ! I turned the light out and lay down . I 'm not sure what time it was when I heard a pounding on my door . I groggily got out of bed and walked over to see who was there . I opened the door to find Ray standing there . He was obviously drunk . I swore to myself as I stepped out into the hall . " Ray , what do you want ? " I didn 't have time for his games . It was late and I wanted to go back to sleep . The sooner I was asleep , the quicker morning would come and with it Scott . " What have I always wanted , Bbrok . " He slurred his words and breathed on me . The smell of alcohol was powerful . I was getting sick of Ray 's attention and innuendoes . He knew that Scott and I were together . I 'd grown used to Ray 's stares and ignored him most of the time , but he was getting worse . I sighed . " Ray , you know that there is nothing between us . Never has been , never will . " I told him . He grabbed me and wrapped his arms around me , forcing his mouth down on mine . I stood there for a moment , completely shocked . Then my brain kicked in and I began to push him away . At the same moment , I heard a loud gasp from down the hall . I turned my head and saw Scott looking at us . I felt my entire life slipping from my grasp . I called Scott 's name but he turned around and stepped back on the elevator . I struggled to free myself from the vice grip of Ray 's arms . " Scott , wait . " I couldn 't get loose and my angel was walking away . " Kevin ! Nick ! Help me ! " I yelled as loud as I could . Both of them flung open their doors . Seeing what was going on , Nick grabbed Ray from behind and pulled him off . I ran for the stairs hoping to beat Scott downstairs . I simply yelled over my shoulder at my friends , " I have to find Scott . " Once in the lobby , I looked futilely around . Scott was gone . Oh god , what had just happened ? Scott had shown up , probably to surprise me and he sees me being kissed by another man . What was he thinking of me ? Please come back , Angel . I sat dejectedly down on one of the chairs in the lobby . Kevin found me there a minute later . " Scott showed up . He saw Ray kissing me . " I started to cry . I didn 't care that we were sitting in the public lobby of a hotel ; my life was falling apart . Kevin sat down beside me and hugged me . " Shhh , Brian . It 's okay . Scott will come back . He just needs to cool down . " Kevin tried to comfort me . I tried to compose myself . I was terrified . Before Scott , I didn 't realize what my life was missing . Now that I 'd found him , life without him was unthinkable . I sat back and wiped my face . " I 'm okay now Kev . I 'm just going to sit here for a while and wait for Scott . " Kevin looked at me uncertain . Finally , he nodded . " Okay , I 'll be upstairs if you need me , B . " He went to the elevator and I leaned back , closed my eyes and prayed . A few minutes later a wave of dread washed over me . I opened my eyes and looked around . I saw a taxi driver walk over to the front desk . I heard him tell the manager about a car accident that had just happened . A car had been sideswiped by a freight train . It was the ' stupid canuck ' comment that caught my attention . I just knew it was Scott . It was like someone else took over my body . I felt myself stand up and walk over to the elevator . I rode up the twenty floors without moving . I stepped off and walked over to Kevin 's room . I managed to knock before I returned to myself and began to cry hysterically and sink to the floor . I vaguely remember the guys all rushing out of their rooms , picking me up and carrying me into Kevin 's room . Nick must have filled Howie and A . J . in on what had happened . At first , they thought I was just upset about Scott leaving . I had to tell them . I tried to control the sobs . " Scott … . train … . accident . " I managed to get those three words out . They looked at each other . Then while Nick sat with his arm around my shoulders , Kevin went to the phone and called the local police . I didn 't hear what he said , but a few minutes later he came back to me and squatted down in front . " Brian , listen to me , " he commanded . That tone of voice always grabbed my attention . I focused on him . " There has been a car accident . The police haven 't confirmed yet that it was Scott , but they suggested we go to the hospital . " He waited to see that I 'd registered what he 'd said . " Brian , if it is Scott , he 's still alive . Now can you pull yourself together enough to come with us , or do you want to stay here . " Kevin knew how to play me . He knew there was no way I would stay at the hotel if Scott were hurt . I pulled myself away from Nick and went into the bathroom . I splashed my face with cold water and blew my nose . Taking a few deep breaths , I walked back out to the others . Everyone moved . We collected hats and glasses , then fled out the back of the hotel where we had a rental van waiting . Kevin drove , having taken directions from the police to get to the hospital . We reached it in five minutes . The guys watched me , making sure I wasn 't going to fall apart . I 'd had enough experience during six years of performing to know how to put on a show . I kept it together . We went into the emergency and Kevin asked at the desk about a train accident victim . We were directed up to the fourth floor , intensive care . When we reached ICU , a doctor and the police met us . The police officer showed us the I . D . they 'd found in the car . I was standing behind Nick 's shoulder and when I saw Scott 's wallet I grabbed his hand . Nick didn 't object . Howie took over . " That belongs to Scott Waters . He has been travelling with us on tour , working with us . " I desperately wanted to tell them that he was the love of my life and I had to see him . Nick squeezed my hand . Howie kept talking . " We know his family and can contact them . Until then , would it be possible for one of us to visit with him ? " Poor Nick . I squeezed his hand so tight as the doctors explained that Scott had a broken leg , but more seriously , he was unconscious and possibly in a coma . They were still putting a cast on his leg , and cleaning the numerous cuts he 'd acquired . The doctor in charge agreed to let one of us see Scott , once he 'd been moved to a private room . A nurse showed us to a small lounge where we could wait without being disturbed . Kevin went downstairs to call Scott 's parents . Cell phone use wasn 't allowed in the hospital . A . J . went to a nearby payphone to call management and let them know what was going on . Howie and Nick sat down on either side of me , rubbing my back and holding my hand . I blocked out everything except Scott . The others came back and we all waited . It felt like an eternity , but about an hour later , a nurse came to the door . " Okay , one of you may visit with Scott , but only for a short time , " he said . Before he finished speaking , I stood up and walked to the door . The nurse led me to Scott 's door and I slowly pushed it open . I gasped when I saw him . He had a tube down his throat , wires hooked up all over . His face and upper body were ten shades of purple and he had tiny little cuts all over . His right leg was in a clean , white cast . I fought back the tears unsuccessfully as I walked over to his side . P . S . When Chapter 35 is posted , you may want to read Brian 's chapter first . . . it covers an important time frame not covered in Scott 's story . You 'll understand when you read it ! |
Freddie starting talking about the Easter bunny this week . I don 't know why , I can 't remember it being mentioned it before and the only time Ruby had an interest was when the wonderful Lorna Swain used to do an annual egg hunt , many years ago . The origin of the Easter bunny , I looked it up , seems to lie with German Protestants , which would explain why he didn 't figure much in my own childhood . What I do remember was the line of Easter eggs on top of the piano , and me waiting for Easter Sunday , so I could break my Lenten fast . Eggs would be sent out from Granny and other relations in Cobh plus the one my father would get in Cork . They were then put on display , laid out , tempting me for the week before the big day . The smell of chocolate still brings back memories of walking into that room during those days before Easter . It 's a mark of Fred 's innocence that he chose to believe in the bunny . But also it 's a sign of how , when he gets something in his head , that he just can 't let it go . Whatever the current obsession is , he 'll go on about for ages and ages and ages . Usually until he drives his mother to breaking point . Sometimes he gets two obsessions going at a time and we have to threaten one never happening to get him to stop talking about the other one . . . The metal detector obsession is my fault . Fred likes nothing better than going through catalogues and I got him one from Argos this week . He couldn 't go to bed without his " magazine " and he 'd sit up looking at what he wants to get . I always wanted a metal detector too so maybe when all this is behind us the two men in the house might get a treat . For the meantime he 'll have to be happy with the picture but at least he got an Easter egg . From the moment he woke up this morning he was looking out the window , under the bed , in the cupboard . He nearly walked into the wall on the way out of the bedroom because he was looking over his shoulder to see if he 'd missed anything . In the kitchen downstairs he was looking everywhere and I could see him getting more and more anxious . Then I pointed to a bag on top of the cupboards and the look of excitement was only wonderful . On Tuesday Fred had an appointment at Temple Street . This is part of the assessments that are needed , so we know where he is with regards to returning to school and also what the effects of any possible surgery may be . There will a few of these over the coming months and it 's all part of getting Fred back into normal life , whether normal life is ready for our Fred is another question again . As the appointment was on Tuesday morning , we headed up on Monday evening and stayed with Conor and Cathy . This was a major thing for all of us . We 'd stayed in a hotel the last time and this was Fred 's first time staying in another house for maybe four years . Plus he loves Conor and Cathy and has being asking to go stay with them for a while now . Another of his obsessions . Heading off on Monday afternoon the car was so loaded down with homemade breads , cakes , beer , and wines , not to mention the wild garlic pesto and Lisa 's dill mayonnaise made from scratch , that you 'd think Dublin hadn 't seen a food parcel since the lockout of 1913 . It all added to the excitement for Fred and he was happy in back under his blankets . He never snoozes on these trips , just so happy to be looking out at the passing countryside and asking where are we now ? Ruby sat beside me , iPod on and slept for a lot of the journey . Lisa was under her blanket reading her Kindle . At Inchicore we had a ball . Fred had Conor all to himself , telling him stories and getting him to watch his Ben10 DVDs . We were all having fun in reality . Lisa and I were relaxed , someway , leaving Freddie do his thing and not having to sit with him all the time . The wine flowed and the laughter could be heard back in Slea Head . There were stories told and embarrassing memories dug up , all mixed with a bit of sadness that we haven 't been able to do such things in a long while . Lisa and Cathy were reminded how lucky they were to have landed Conor and me , as we were the kings of the Hillgrove dancefloor circa 1995 . When Freddie and I went off to bed about 10pm we were both knackered . Cathy got a hug and a kiss goodnight from Fred after she made him comfortable in the bed . The two of us chatted for a while , Fred looked out the window and I started to read . . . The assessment went really well . Lisa and I were worried , as he seemed very dopey that morning but at lunchtime , Cathy , the neuropsychologist , said she was very happy with him , that he was very alert . That little man , you just never know where you are with him . As Lisa and Ruby had gone off shopping , Freddie and I went for lunch together in the hospital cafe . Cathy wanted another session with him in the afternoon . The cafe in Temple Street is in the basement and is very good . The two of us went down in the lift , queued up and sat down at a table on our own . As I told Cathy afterwards it was probably the first time Fred and I had gone out for lunch together in about five years . Thankfully it all went smoothly , another step in us getting a normal life back . On our way back up we met Dr Shahwan and I gave him an update on Fred 's progress . We got home safely on Tuesday and got back to our usual lives on Wednesday . As I came in the door about five o ' clock I could see Lisa lying an unconscious Fred out on the couch . He 'd gone out in the garden with his paintbrush to brush down the rocks and find some dinosaur fossils . Jurassic Park is a big influence in Fred 's life , in fact combined with Jaws , Steven Spielberg must be Freddie 's favourite director . The little man wasn 't outside more than a couple of minutes before he went into a seizure , exactly seven days since the yoga incident . Another night of Freddie watching was ahead of us . Remarkably however he woke up within the hour and carried on as if nothing had happened . Fred had dinner , watched a movie and went off to bed as usual . What a relief for us . Whether this is a new routine or not we don 't know , but it probably isn 't , unfortunately . At one stage during the night he asked " what happened to me , Mummy ? " Poor little man just hates those seizures . Just now I had to break up a row in the kitchen . Lisa trying to keep him away from the fridge had to threaten with calling the special bus . The one that takes naughty boys away , I used to be threatened with Upton Industrial School so maybe just a bus is an improvement . . . As I reasoned with Fred and used my cross eyes , Lisa went inside . After Fred calmed down , he followed her . I watched him go ; he took Lisa 's phone and hid it under a load of cushions . For the last week or so Fred has been asking me to get tattoos for him . The press - on type , not the full needle mermaid across his chest that he may choose to get when he 's older . As with all his obsessions , wolverine claws , Thor hammer , having Conor on a sleepover , he goes on and on about it for ages , and then stops for a while , before taking up the pestering again . When the pestering fails or his Mother tells him , in no uncertain terms , that what he 's looking for is an impossibility , he 'll stop . Usually this is followed by deep sighs and an ok , the sad face capable of breaking a million hearts . His one trick , before the pestering goes too far , is to throw his hands up in the air and sigh a lot . When asked , he 'll reply in a heartbroken little voice … " I 'll never get those . . . " Just his way of giving you a gentle reminder … On Friday I got the gentle reminder and on the way home from work I popped into a shop that sells everything from toys to religious memorabilia . They had a choice of pink princess or pirates . Knowing my boy as I do I got the pirates and headed home . The look of delight on his face was worth a dozen Euromillions . Pirates , sea serpents , swords and ships were applied all over , and I have to say his mother looks hot with her tattooed arms . We all went to bed Friday night covered in tats . On Wednesday evenings Freddie does yoga . An idea of Jillian 's and going is part of our trying to get back to normality . With the encouragement ofTemple Street , we 're trying to get back out in the world and not let the epilepsy imprison us in the house . Fred goes with Lisa and Jillian but Mummy isn 't allowed near him once he gets to the centre . It 's his thing and he likes doing his " exercises " as he calls the session . When I got back , the others were just arriving home . Far too early . During the yoga Fred had got a look in his eye , Lisa , though not next to him was still watching him like a hawk and knew the signs . Apparently without notice , she swooped in and took him off to the car . Jillian , who 'd never seen Lisa in action in these circumstances , did what she was told and drove the two home . On the way Fred had the seizure in the back of the car . Lisa the wonderful , caring woman that she is , saw it coming , she knows her boy inside out . Jillian was amazed by the whole event but it came as no surprise to me . Inside , Freddie was lying out on the couch and we settled in for a night of watching him . Since the cluster of last week , we 'd feared this night . We knew that only time would tell if the bad cluster was a one off or if we were back to the regular hospital visits . Though we weren 't talking about it , we both knew it was on our minds . Lisa had put up his Tegretol dose to try increase the levels in his system ; maybe get some control of things again . The downside of this is that he can be very dopey when on an increased dose ; it takes the body about ten days to absorb the change , to get used to processing the extra medicine . Every move he made made us jump . The first hour is always crucial . By about 7 O ' clock the first hour was over and we could relax a bit . I made dinner for Ruby and myself , trying to get on with things , hoping that the cluster wouldn 't develop . Freddie woke up about half eight , dopey but hungry … " where 's my dinner ? " he asked . Phew . As Ruby had to go to school , I carried on and Lisa stayed with the boy . By the time we left about 8 O ' clock , he was sleeping in his mother 's arms . Maybe his morning meds were taking over , slowing things down . Now it 's Sunday morning . Ruby is on a sleepover " back the west " and the two men are on the couch . We had the Sunday morning big breakfast and my hero is laughing it off watching Austin Powers . He never tires of the jokes . It 's St Patrick 's Day and the two men are home alone . Freddie and I are cuddled up under a duvet , he at one end of the couch , me at the other . I 'm trying to write this on Ruby 's little 10 " netbook , as Fred is happily watching YouTube videos on my laptop . Before I could use this netbook , I had to deep clean it of make - up and food droppings . It 's amazing how a girl who puts such effort into her personal appearance can have such a manky computer . We 're alone as the ladies have gone off to Dingle , for the Parade , and all its social extras . It 's not about seeing the parade , its more about who you will see at it . Phonecalls have been made and coffees arranged . It didn 't take them long but they both look stunning heading out the door ; if there was a competition for most beautiful mother and daughter , Lisa and Ruby would have it in the bag before leaving the house . I wonder will they make it past the first roundabout … at least Hannah and Tara are with them , so the rows will be kept to the odd bark . Hannah and Tara came for a sleepover last night . As always , it was great to have them around and Fred was in his element drawing pictures as presents and getting the girls to join in his games . For dinner they all cuddled up on the couch , Freddie in the middle of the girls , happy out telling stories and devouring his chicken wraps . After a good ten days of a bright , alert and full of fun little boy , Fred got hit by a terrible cluster of seizures on Tuesday afternoon . We knew that something was on its way , ten days is a long time for Freddie to be seizure free . What we weren 't expecting was the ferocity of it all . After the joys of last week at Temple Street and the new regime of rolling with the punches , Tuesday really was a kick in the teeth . I was home for lunch and Fred was at his homework . He was doing his tasks and I was watching . As always it came out of nowhere , he just slipped into a full seizure , the usual minute long horrible , horrible tonic - clonic one . Luckily , Lisa was sitting beside him and was able to hold the little man as he went through it . We put him on the couch , he was in a deep sleep and he cuddled up to Lisa , the safest place in the world for the little man . Lisa sent me back to work , we have to try get on as normal , not let the epilepsy rule our lives . At home , he had another one , not long after I got in . We gave in and gave him a shot of Diazepam in an attempt to stop the cluster . As it was nearly five , I headed off and collected Ruby . Just as we got back , he had another one . That was it . Six is just too many , he was unconscious , this was status - epilecticus , a very dangerous situation . In a flash , Lisa was packed up and we were off to the hospital . As we drove over , the contrast with last week 's high was all that was in my head , it couldn 't have been starker . At the A & E I ran in to get a wheelchair . . . Fred was so zonked we couldn 't rouse him from the back of the car . Luckily , Peter , a nurse who 'd been through this with us before , met me at the door . He knew from the look on my face that it wasn 't a social call . Pete got me a wheelchair and went off to ready a treatment room . By the time I completed the paperwork in Admissions and got back to the A & E , Fred had another one . The Diazepam wasn 't working ; epilepsy was definitely giving our man a good going over . He was so out of it that , when they put the line in for the Lorazepam , he didn 't flinch . Normally he 'd wake and fight the needle to the last , making it even more difficult for the doctor to find a vein . Not this time though , the line was prepped and blood samples taken without so much as a peep from our boy . It was nearly time for his evening meds and we were anxious to get them in him before the Lorazepam was given , if it was to be needed . Lisa managed to rouse him enough to get the tablets in ; he looked through me with eyes that had no focus , very upsetting for us . I needed to move the car as it was parked in a no park zone outside the A & E . It 's a no park zone for a reason and I was conscious of blocking anyone else 's access to the emergency unit . So off I went and parked in the car park , I took Fred 's bags up the Cashel Ward , there was no doubt he 'd be spending the night there . Up on the ward I got the usual welcome from the nurses , they had his bed ready , as always next to their station so they could be at hand . We never can describe fully how assured they make Lisa and I feel . Down in the treatment room they 'd given Fred the shot of Lorazepam . A full adult dose , they know he can take it and it was necessary after he had his ninth seizure of the day . Now it was a matter of wait and see , he 'd been stabilised and time for him to go up to the ward . Peter went with us and gave the team there a full run down of what had happened , before heading back to the A & E . Anyone who criticises frontline staff need only spend a couple of hours with the likes of Peter or our nurses on the Cashel ward to realise what a vital job they do and how they earn every last cent of their pay . Ruby was well settled on her netbook , iPod and phone . All she needed was to be fed . After feeding her and packing up all that was needed , I headed back to the hospital . It was nearly 9 . 30pm , the whole afternoon and evening had gone in blur , I was sick to the stomach but had managed a bowl of pasta . On the ward , Lisa and I had cups of tea and toffees , anything to keep the strength up . Luckily the little warrior , the strongest , bravest man I know , was sleeping peacefully and seizure free . The Lorazepam was doing its job . An hour or so later I headed home to look after our daughter . All Lisa and I could think of was what had gone wrong , why had this terrible cluster come back to attack our boy , the worst in nearly eighteen months . On my way home I reckoned it must have something to do with his Tegretol levels , if the level in his blood had dropped , then would he have had no protection against a cluster . Why it would drop was another question . On Wednesday morning , I drove Rubes to school and was on the ward by about 9 . 30 . Before heading to Dingle I 'd rung Lisa , they had had a peaceful night and Freddie was still sleeping . When I arrived he was awake , trying to watch a DVD , but was so doped he didn 't know if he was coming or going . I 'd brought some breakfast but he wasn 't even hungry , very unusual for him . The doctor and his team came and gave us the all clear to go home . Flap over , we were being sent home to recover ; at least there we 'd be comfortable and only five minutes away from the hospital , if needed . Sunday morning and its very quiet around the house . It is always the same when Ruby goes on a night away . Yesterday she went for a night at Hannah 's , back in Ballyferriter , which meant I had to drive " back the west " with my darling daughter . It was good timing as it gave me a chance to catch up with Kev Moriarty , home from England for the weekend . It 's always good to catch up with an old friend , especially as our news has improved somewhat since I last saw him in early December . While I was off travelling , Lisa took Freddie off to the beach . While it 's not exactly beach weather Freddie wanted to go and collect seashells . The beach trip is all part of the new policy introduced by Temple Street this week . On Wednesday we had THE meeting , the one that was to give us Dr Shahwan 's opinion on the tests carried out in January and early February . Dr Shahwan 's complete analysis on everything done by his team ; scans , pet scans , psychological assessments , everything … This was a presentation of their plan for Fred 's future . Lisa was dreading it ; I tried not to think about it . Lisa was having sleepless nights ; I was trying so hard not to think about it that I finished by book in record time . Appropriately enough , the book I was reading was " The Road to Wellville . " After all the years of struggle we were going to hear if Fred was indeed a candidate for surgery , was he eventually to get some sort of life back ? Ruby came with us . This was an important time for the family , the most important yet and Lisa thought that she should be there . As always , well nearly always , she was right . We are a tight group , rows aside , plus , we wanted to make something of the trip . The meeting was for a few hours on Wednesday afternoon so we booked a hotel for the night , to make an adventure of it all . The Verling family set off in the morning on the adventure , not knowing what was ahead of us but at least we were all together . We stopped off inLimerick , for what Freddie called a snack ; those picnics in the car are part of any trip away from home . At Temple Street , we were almost an hour early . Unusual for us . I dropped the family at the door and went off to park the car . When I got back , they were in the café in the basement , Freddie tucking into a ham sandwich . In the waiting room it hit me . This was the big meeting of my life ; nothing could match it for what was going to happen . Freddie was relaxed , Ruby was on her iPod and Lisa was together but very nervous . Bang on 2 . 30 , Cathy Madigan , the Neuropsychologist , came for us . Ruby and Freddie were staying in the waiting room but Cathy took Ruby to where the meeting room was , just to show her in case she had to come find us . Always thinking ahead … On his computer , Amre went through all of Freddie 's scans . He had samples from Cork of the telemetry , PET and MRI , which were all done last year and had alerted him , via Brian Mac , that there was something in Freddie 's left frontal lobe worth taking a look at . Then he went on to the work he 'd done in January , his versions of the same scans . His work confirmed his belief ; there is a malformation in Fred 's left frontal lobe . A piece which probably didn 't form correctly in the womb , and now had atrophied . It looked obvious once he 'd shown us but then , he was only showing one good sample from the hours and hours of work he 'd gone through . Thankfully , the man is a perfectionist in everything he does . His PET scan confirmed his telemetry work . This of course , this is his opinion , a very well thought out and thought through opinion . His next job is to convince a surgical team that he is correct and that surgery would improve Freddie 's condition . As the team work in different hospitals , it will be sometime in May before he can get them all together . In the scheme of things and considering how long it took us to get where we are , till May isn 't a long time to wait . Now Amre broke Fred 's case into three sections . The epilepsy and its surgery was one , Fred 's reintegration into normal life another and Fred 's education the final one . It makes sense and it shows the holistic approach the team are taking to get Freddie back to normal . He handed the meeting over to Cathy Madigan , to cover the next two stages . Cathy has spent a lot of time one on one with Freddie recently , so she knows where he is at with his social skills . She believes that it is vital for Freddie to start back into normal life immediately . As Amre added , it will not be like flicking a switch after Freddie 's surgery ; he will not suddenly be like a normal ten year once the surgery is done . In a further meeting , with us alone afterwards , Cathy laid it out what we need to do ; we have to put our fear of epilepsy behind us and get Freddie back to school , get him back out into the world . Easier said than done of course but the back up we are getting from Temple Street is just amazing . Cathy has been in contact with our local school , they are ready for Fred to start after Easter , and she has had the Irish Epilepsy Association visit the school , to talk with teachers and pupils . She is fighting the Dept of Education to get a fulltime care assistant to be with Freddie at all times at school . There isn 't a stone left unturned from what I can gather . It is her firm belief that Fred needs social integration more than anything else ; his education will follow afterwards . A half hour of school per day , then working up to more until he can do a full day , is the plan . Imogen too spent time with Fred lately . She is in total agreement with Cathy and is working closely with her as part of the team . Even though Freddie 's speech development has stalled at that of a six year old , oddly his vocabulary is very rich . The job now , and this is connected with his return to the outside world , is to get his speech to catch up with his vocabulary . There is much work to be done . The trip to the beach yesterday was part of the new plan . It was a very brave Lisa who took the little man to the beach to collect his shells , but they did it and returned unscathed . When I got back from meeting with Kev , Freddie was busy painting them , a very happy little man . A relieved , happy , daunted family left Temple Street and headed for the hotel . The plan was to check - in , before heading over to Conor and Cathy 's for dinner . The family headed up to the room and I went off to park the car . It couldn 't have been more than ten minutes but when I got to the room Freddie was already in his jamas and in ' our bed ' watching a DVD . It was a dirty evening and we were all tired . Lisa sent me out to get water and biscuits . Up the road , I found a Chinese takeaway and took a menu . In a convenience store , I got biscuits and big 2 - litre bottle of sparkling water . Freddie loved the sparkling water ; he called it 7 - Up and kept the bottle next to the bed . That lead to an evening of burping and peeing . The Chinese was ordered and delivered . The Verling family , for once feeling like things are going our way , tucked into spring rolls , noodles , sweet and sour prawns , rice and tofu in black bean vegetable sauce . Nothing quite like that stuffed with a take - way feeling when you 're in a hotel room , tired and its miserable weather outside . About 8 O ' clock Conor and Cathy came round . We explained our day , the first time we 'd done so since the meeting . Hearing the words come out of our mouths was a real feeling that all this was happening . Pints were ordered , wine for Lisa and tea for Cathy Berry . Freddie had Conor to himself , showing him the Godzilla movies on YouTube . The laughing and joking in our little hotel room must have echoed around the world , it felt that great to us . On a Sunday morning there is nothing better than lying on the couch , full from a good breakfast and all the family around me . Ruby is on one couch , her kingdom , surrounded by her phone , Ipod and laptop , earphones in so she doesn 't have to listen to us . Lisa , Freddie and I are on the other , doing lazy Sunday morning aslittleaspossibleness . A few minutes ago Freddie raised his head from a cushion … Yesterday morning Freddie and I were settling into a morning on our own . Ruby and Lisa were going off toWaterfordfor a last day with Aunty Rudi before dropping her to the airport for the trip home . Before the two left I was hugging Lisa and Ruby joined in , such acts don 't happen as much as they used to when Rubes was a child . It was a lovely moment . However , this was going to be the men 's day . Daddy and Freddie were going to do nothing and we had all day to do it . We 'd already had the big breakfast and Freddie had a load of movies lined up for us to watch . That morning after he 'd come downstairs Fred had had a small frontal lobe seizure , just a five second " fright " and so I was happy to keep him safe on the couch . About ten minutes later Muttley the dog made that whining noise he only makes when he hears our car on the road . Couldn 't be , I thought , they 're on the road toWaterford . But , sure enough , Muttley knows his cars and within a minute Ruby walked in , or should I say , strode in , Lisa striding not far behind . Not a word else was spoken between the two of them , but they never made it toWaterford . Poor Aunty Claire had to take Rudi to the airport , while Freddie and I had a day of tears and swearing , which were not in any of the movies we watched . So our day of men at home doing nothing was ruined by a row which even today , neither of us are any the wiser how it happened or were in any way involved but we do know it managed to take over our home . I was looking forward to us doing our own thing but so it wasn 't to be . The power of a teenage rage . Despite my best efforts of brokering peace , the house lay under that cloud of rage for the day , Freddie and me doing our best to keep out of it . 24 hours later its still on Freddie 's mind , the little fellow doesn 't understand how it all happened . His slightly wiser , 46 year old Dad hasn 't a clue . Later last night we watched a doc about how a beautiful , older tiger was driven out of her home by her daughter ; very appropriate viewing for the day that was in it . All this came at the end of an eventful week for the family . Last Sunday evening I had a Skype call with Ed Galvin . Fred loves sitting on the side of the computer , just getting his head in shot , watching and listening to the call . As Ed was flying in fromMaineon Thursday and arriving inTraleeat eleven , I offered to collect him at the train station . Freddie was delighted , we were going to the train station . My only hope was that the two of us would make it over to collect Ed . It 's in our make up these days that we don 't plan for the future , you never know what 's going to happen in our house . By Sunday he 'd been four days seizure free , great as always to have those days , but you never know what 's around the corner . Thursday came around and all was still well . Lisa took Ruby to school , a bit later than usual so Fred and I were on our own , he 'd get to come to the train station after all . He was a bit dopey but claimed to be fine . The poor man is so fed up with being asked how he 's feeling . When he wakes in the morning , " how are you feeling ? Any confusion ? " And so it continues throughout the day , every day . His answer as always is " YES , I 'm fine " , usually with more than a little annoyance in his voice . Oh those over protective parents , will they ever leave that poor little man alone ? At about five - to the two of us set off . Fred sat in the car . I asked that question again , to which I got the same answer . We drove across town , Freddie describing everything he could see out the window , " the sky , some trees , a hotel , an old lady , another old lady . " He tells it how he sees it . At the station we waited outside , me worried about Freddie , the man himself reading his Incredible Hulk magazine . Ed arrived more or less on time and we headed to Ballyard . After a while Lisa came back home . Freddie wasn 't his usual ebullient self , especially with a visitor in the house but I tried not to read too much into it all . We could spend our days trying to second - guess what 's going on in Freddie 's head , in fact we do , but we can 't let it restrict his life . About midday , I took the jetlagged Galvin off to his home in Kilmurray and left Lisa to care for Fred . It was great to get out and do a few things . We settled Ed at his home and I headed off to get some frogspawn . Freddie loves the stuff and I thought it would a nice surprise for him . There is a great spot at which I 've got some before and there was plenty again this year . I filled a small bowl and wedged it under the back seat . In Dingle I did my jobs , I 'd decided to wait around and collect Ruby , it was a good opportunity to do a few things . So I had lunch and a chat with Keith before heading off to collect the darling daughter . She got in and we chatted for a few minutes , until about half way up theConnorPass , before the headphones went in . Not too bad . Arriving home , it was a bit like the old days of Ballyseede last year ; Freddie was asleep under a blanket . How many evenings last year did Ruby and I come home to that ? He 'd had a couple of small frontal lobe seizures and was trying to sleep it off . Eight days free , that was what we 'd been granted . I showed Fred the frogspawn , he was interested but very dopey , he cuddled back into his Mum . As I had a few things to do , I headed off to my office . When I came back down , he was still asleep . Fred woke to the sound of my voice and he wasn 't letting the epilepsy take his evening . He wanted dinner and so I started making one for him and Rubes . A few minutes later , a sleepy boy , helped by his mother , staggered in to see the frogspawn . They hadn 't been forgotten either . Dinner was demolished in true Freddie style and no sooner than he 'd finished when a little frontal lobe broke through . He was not deterred by it , in true Freddie determination he shook it off and continued with his evening . About ten o ' clock we headed off to bed , read a few books and Fred soon fell asleep . Just an hour in he had another frontal lobe , five seconds long as usual , but he just turned over and fell into a deeper sleep . Friday was a take it easy day . Fred had yet another frontal lobe about 7am but he didn 't let it bother him . Lisa took Ruby off to school and the two men went about their morning rituals . After Lisa returned I did my few jobs but we were all on high alert for the day , surely the epilepsy wasn 't going to leave him off with just the one tonic - clonic … About five , Ruby came home from school . It was a Friday evening and the house was in good spirits . The week was behind us and there 's something about a Friday evening that , when you close the door it feels like your life is yours again . In the kitchen I was making dinner , Fred was helping . Lisa was hovering , worried as always . Just as well that she was , as she was able to catch Freddie as he collapsed to the ground . The couch was prepared and Fred cuddled into his mother for a recovery sleep . It didn 't last long . He soon woke looking for his dinner , that wasn 't to be forgotten . The rest of the evening passed peacefully , Fred watched a movie before heading off to bed about ten o ' clock . No ill effects from that seizure which threatened to ruin our favourite night of the week . |
It is currently 10 : 00 AM here and I realized that I didn 't see either dog in the living room with me , which was odd . I went into the bedroom to find that both of them are sound asleep in separate dog beds . Apparently it 's still too early in the day . With that said , if I even thought about a piece of kibble Alvin would sense it and come trucking around the corner . Speaking about Alvin taking corners . A couple of days ago something in particular excited him and he was making a mad dash while trying to go around a corner and ended up skidding past the corner and into the wall . Ya ' just can 't win ' em all . I have taken to insisting that Alvin sleep every night in bed with me . He seems to be fine either way but I have increasingly missed having a little doggy in my bed . Stevie goes in stages and for the past month or so she has been very independent and not very cuddly . At bedtime I often put her on the bed with us but she tends to jump back down within a few minutes . The timing is unfortunate because I am quite lonely without my expert cuddler , Timmie and so Alvin 's the next on deck . Last night I put him on the bed and he immediately got in the dog bed that is on my bed . I decided to see if he would get out of it and come lie next to me , which was less than two feet away . I was so happy when he did choose to get out of his dog bed and he ended up snuggling right next to me and didn 't move the whole night . I woke up several times to a snuggly dog plastered against me and it was really nice . This may be an unfortunate development for him because whether or not he was aware at the time , that was his interview for the position of official snuggler of this household and he got the job ! I think it 's better for him in the long run and I know it 's better for me . I realize that Alvin is still supposed to be off his feet as much as possible but I feel bad having him always cooped up in the house and so I have started to take him on short walks in the neighborhood or taking him over to my mom 's house next door . My mom has pretty much transitioned back to her house and Alvin has responded better than I thought that he would . Yesterday when I took him to her house , she was in bed resting and Alvin looked so perplexed as to why that lady who is usually next door with us was now in this other house in somebody else 's bed . He does get plenty of notice when my mom is walking over because she couldn 't sneak up on a raging house party right now because of the rattling her walker makes on the street . At night there isn 't a funnier sight and sound than hearing her rattle down the street while watching her with a miniature flashlight in her hand lighting the way . But I digressed considerably . Back to Alvin 's walks . Yesterday while walking him in the neighborhood , which consists of a walk of less than 100 yards , out bounded the neighbor 's very big black lab , Moses . Alvin really likes meeting dogs and his initial greeting is deceiving because it 's so normal but once he has sniffed a bit he drifts back into his own little world again . Alvin has met Moses a few times but for whatever reason Moses took a big interest in Alvin and just wouldn 't leave him alone . He started to try to hump Alvin , which is absolutely not allowed because of his surgery . Alvin ended up getting pretty nervous about the fact that he was not only getting molested in broad daylight but in his own neighborhood . I removed him from the situation and that poor boy whirled , twirled and circled himself home , while managing to bind my legs together three times in 100 yards or less . As usual , he was not paying ant attention to his surroundings and just broad sided poor Stevie who didn 't even see it coming because it was out of her peripheral vision . She stood there stunned and then started shaking her head . I think you all nI have come up with another idea for Alvin . I spend a lot of time talking to him and the first observation I ever made about him was how favorably he responds to high pitched voices . Last night while talking to him in my high pitched , animated voice I realized that I sound very much like Mickey Mouse and so I am going to find some Mickey Mouse cartoons on TV for " us " to watch to see if Mickey Mouse turns out to be Alvin 's long lost soul mate . How cute would that be ? His favorite show continues to be Dog the Bounty Hunter because of all the action and yelling but who knows ? Maybe Alvin will dump Dog for Mickey . Stay tuned . . . . These pictures kind of say it all . My 10 - year - old niece , Maisy spent the night last night . Her heart is still healing over the loss of Timmie because she loved him so much ! She bought a necklace with her own money that has a heart shaped locket and a pendant that says , Best Friends . I gave her one of Timmie 's ID 's from his collar that is shaped like a dog bone and she put it on the necklace . She had previously gone over and planted flowers on Timmie 's grave . Timmie loved her at least as much as she loved him . Alvin has been a good source of healing for her and last night was her first night back since we all lost Timmie . As you can see from the pictures , Maisy and Alvin have their own little world , with their own communication . It 's not a world for us grown ups to understand but always seems unique to kids and dogs . Originally , Alvin was supposed to sleep in the dog bed because it is his bed but Maddie , the cat is the boss of everyone and took it over . There is no arguing with Maddie but Alvin would give up his dog bed to a mouse . Alvin stayed all night with Maisy and only got his bed back when Maddie decided to sleep on Maisy 's pillow next to her head . All my pets just love Maisy ! Only Alvin could manage this one . My neighbor was here visiting and Alvin was busy sniffing her toes . He then managed to yawn and when he went to close his mouth , he had her toes in his mouth . I will leave you all with that thought . Operation Bath Time or Bust was successfully completed and no one required emergency medical or psychological assistance . What I am about to report is 100 % true and because it was so funny and could possibly seem as though I embellished the story for additional entertainment value , I grabbed my phone in the middle of it to take a couple of quick pictures so that I could prove it really happened . I don 't have a phone that lets me post the picture directly and so I am going to see if I can text the pictures to someone who can then e - mail them to me and I will then post them here at a later date . Backing up , I gave Alvin half of his last sedative , got the peanut butter ready , put in a slip resistant bath mat and got ready for battle . A while ago I read a suggestion from one of our reader 's to smear peanut butter on the bathtub ledge and I became extremely hopeful that it would help Alvin from chattering his teeth off while trying to survive bath time . So , in we both went and I found that he was too nervous to pay attention to the peanut butter , which was surprising because I finally found the one situation where he would turn down food . I honestly didn 't think such an occasion existed . With the sedative , as well as the non - slip bath mat , we were able to get through the bath without him flailing , panicking , and nearly drowning both of us . He was able to stand and sit still the whole time and although his little body shook and his teeth chattered in fear , he remained still . Now for the funny part , while bathing Alvin , Stevie came in and her nose immediately detected the presence of peanut butter . She got up on her back legs , was half in the bath tub and half out , and was stretching and contorting in an effort to lick every bit of the peanut butter off . I have never encountered a situation where I have had to repeatedly push a dog out of trying to get in the bath tub when in the past she wanted nothing to do with taking baths . Alvin was utterly perplexed by Stevie 's reaction but I imagine he started to suspect that the little pink pill I gave him was actually a hallucinogenic and that he was seeing things that weren 't really occurring . I did notice that when Stevie kept trying to climb in that Alvin appeared to become more relaxed . So , there I was trying to keep the dog that was supposed to be in the bath tub calm , while also trying to keep the other dog out . The non - slip bath mat that was in the tub was already there due to my mom 's knee surgery and that seemed to be a great help because Alvin 's legs weren 't going out from under him . While realizing this , I couldn 't figure out how it never dawned on me to pOnce Alvin was dry I tried to capitalize on the last bit of remaining sedative in his system and attempted to groom him . That did not go very well but I was able to shave some of the hair on his face off , which helps him not build up as much moisture from his eyes watering so much . With that said , there will be no picture taking of him right now because he doesn 't look so great . My mom only sees him through Oxycontin tinted glasses and told him that he looked beautiful . She was telling him this while he was standing in what she now refers to him as his play house aka her walker . Last time , grooming him took about four days and was not ever completed before his surgery . This time I am going to request a refill on his sedative prescription and see if we can knock it out in one or two sittings . He isn 't mad at me for grooming him because he seems to have such a good , innocent soul that I suspect that anger isn 't something he feels , but he did seem disappointed in me , which is a blow to one 's self esteem . I meant to mention in my last post when writing about Alvin 's food issues that he has developed a new odd behavior in the past couple of months . Imagine Alvin acquiring an odd behavior . . . . . shocking , I know . His newest , quirky behavior is that when I feed him he takes one mouthful and then gets so excited that he starts twirling around and can 't locate his food . He focuses on me and seems to worry that he might be missing out on something , while appearing to have no idea where his food went . I can stand right next to his food bowl , while pointing at the food and calling his name and he just keeps going in circles and frantically looking at me . It doesn 't matter how long I stand there , he cannot find it again until I put my hand in the bowl . Once he locates it again , he will eat it without getting distracted . It 's so odd and has to be seen to fully realize how weird it is . Cathy at Camp Cocker sent me an e - mail saying that if I thought it would be too difficult for Alvin to adjust to another home that one option to consider would be to have Alvin stay here , come off the adoption list , and become kind of a lifer with Camp Cocker , with them helping with any future medical costs . At this point I declined because I think that Alvin could do just fine transitioning into an adoptive home . Up until now , I have assumed that it has been more of a challenge to find an adopter for him because of his pending double knee surgery but now that the surgery has been completed , I am going to start getting offended on his behalf if applications don 't start coming in . He is ready and able to get his forever home so spread the word if you know of anyone that is extra , extra special and lives in California . I will probably develop my own questionnaire to accompany the Camp Cocker application and I imagine mine will come in at about 10 pages in an essay format , as well as a harmless lie detector test , criminal background check , random drug tests , and a note from the perspective adopter 's mother , but other than that , it will be a breeze . Alvin is officially on the search for his forever home and somebody is going to be very lucky to get this one in a million dog ! As for you my dear Sally , you better start moving ( literally ) because this little gem of a dog is yours for the taking but I fear that someone is going to swoop in and get your dog if you don 't get to moving soon . And one more hearty thank you to St . Poster from Stevie and me ! to give Alvin another bath . For the long - time readers , you will recall that the last attempt was a complete disaster , with me having to jump in the tub and Alvin being drenched and a complete quivering , panicked mess of a dog . One reader was kind enough to suggest that I smear peanut butter on the sides of the tub in an effort to distract him and appeal to his obsession with food even when faced with danger . I am going to try it , along with giving him part of his last sedative in hopes of him relaxing enough not to hurt himself or me . I have not tried a bath sooner because of his surgery but he really needs to bathe . I plan to also put pieces of kibble in the water in hopes of creating a bobbing for apples effect , but in this case , it will be bobbing for kibble . Chances are that all these ideas will be shot to hell the minute " we " get in the water but I will get out my wet suit , flippers , and snorkel and go for it . After recently talking to my mom about what a cute , loving little being Alvin is , I determined that Alvin is nearly perfect just the way he is and there is virtually nothing that needs to be changed about him . Alvin is a unique , wonderful little creature and any adopter will be very lucky to have him . I kind of feel sorry for all the people that pass him up because he has a quality about him that makes people around him be more patient and gentle . He has an ability to remind humans what is important in life and he models bravery , kindness , and being able to let others shine . In a world where often things are far too much geared towards , getting ahead and a me , me , me mentality , Alvin models the beauty in sharing and trying one 's hardest to face adversity . He truly teaches humans important lessons in ways that other dogs have not figured out how to convey yet . With that said , the only thing I hope we can continue to change is figuring out a way for him to be more relaxed . He seemed happier when he was sedated . It wasn 't just that he was more relaxed but he literally seemed happier . I finally bit the bullet and called my vet to inquire about something like Prozac , which is a non - sedating , non - narcotic . I have been putting it off because I haven 't had to talk to my vet since Timmie died and I know my vet will bring it up and I am going to burst into the ugly cry . The night that Timmie died , the emergency vet said he would call Timmie 's regular vet to tell him and I was so relieved because Timmie 's vet adored him . Even when one of the other dogs had an appointment , I brought Timmie too because he just loved going to the vet . His vet left me a voicemail after Timmie died and got choked up on the message and for whatever reason , I find that I am most emotional when thinking about making contact with him . The point of this story is that I very well may have to start taking Alvin 's Prozac with him . The only other issue I wish Alvin could overcome is his issue with food . I don 't know if Alvin wasn 't fed enough at some point in his life but when he came in to the shelter he was not particularly thin . Alvin is obsessed with food and it hasn 't decreased a bit since being here . If given the opportunity , I am convinced that he would eat himself to death . Every single time I pass his food container , which is probably 30 times a day , he stands there , licking his lips and looking so hopeful for a little piece of kibble . I have taken to giving him small amounts of food throughout the day , on top of his two regular meals in hopes that his obsession would dissipate but he is as obsessed as ever . With his propensity to loop and circle , he burns a lot of calories and so I am not worried about him gaining weight . I used to teach a three hour class to human foster parents about food issues in many children in foster care . It was my favorite class to teach because so many kids that come from neglectful backgrounds have food issues , such as binge and hoarding . We had all kinds of interventions and techniques and most were quite successful but they don 't translate well to dogs . Because he tends to eat so fast , he has that very charming , loud burping issue and the other night my mom and I were watching a show about a family where the kids would burp really loud at the table . As we were watching the show , one of the boys burped and at that very moment so did Alvin . On the program , the mother scolded the boy and the timing was perfection . This little guy is good for so many laughs throughout each and every day . It is clear that Alvin is ready and able to move on to an adoptive home soon . He thinks it should be my mom 's home but she thinks otherwise . I think Alvin is ready to start his real life and I hope that someone very special will come forward soon so that he can meet his forever mom and / or dad . Someone out there is going to be very lucky ! In the meantime , if you don 't hear from us , you will know that we are both lost in thPosted by that my mom is going to eventually have to go back to her own house . He has developed quite a love affair with her and they are very sweet together . He just loves her and she seems to have fallen for him as well . She has determined that he has an extremely high IQ . Granted , she made this determination while high as a kite on Oxycontin but she is absolutely convinced that he is actually brilliant . He very well may be and maybe only the drugged up people can see this in him . He has been great with her walker . I did come into the kitchen to find her standing beside the walker and Alvin standing in the walker . When my mom is not standing or walking with the walker , Alvin enjoys standing in it and seems to view it as a little house . When my mom is sitting or in bed , the walker is usually in front of her and Alvin enjoys standing in it and spending hour upon hour gazing at her adoringly . Last night while my mom was in the bathroom , I put Alvin 's bed in my mom 's bed and put him in it . He was sitting in it and eagerly waiting for her to join him for a slumber party but she turned him down . He couldn 't have looked cuter but she just does not enjoy the fur that comes along with the animal in bed and so we had to move the slumber party to my bed . Alvin continues to enjoy all the people coming in and out of here because it creates so many circling and looping opportunities . Tomorrow we have the phlebotomist to look forward to . It is already clear that Alvin is going to go into depression when my mom finally leaves . I would just send him over there where his heart clearly belongs but my mom says , no way . She is smart because she clearly enjoys him a great deal but just like kids , they are cuter and more enjoyable when one can visit them and then leave them with the parents . Posted by It was a year yesterday that I had to put my first dog to sleep . I am including him here because had a chosen to keep him alive longer neither Alvin nor Stevie would be here . Maury required a lot of care near the end of his life and I couldn 't start fostering until he died . Over four years ago , my dad and his wife brought their cocker spaniel to my house and their dog played with Maury . Maury was in heaven and played and played . This encouraged me to get a dog for my dog . I am a sucker for the older dogs for many reasons and had originally requested an older dog to foster and possibly adopt , with the hope that he could be a playmate for Maury . The dog had modeled lovely behavior in his original foster home and had lived easily with many other dogs . He wasn 't here for more than a half an hour when he began to growl at Maury . Maury was deaf and blind so he couldn 't hear the warning signals and it was clear that the match wasn 't a good one . This turned out to be a bit of a relief for me because in the meantime I had seen a video of Timmie and had instantly fallen in love . I kept showing everyone the pictures of Timmie and I thought he was the prettiest dog I had ever seen . Cathy at Camp Cocker agreed to bring Timmie the next time and two weeks later that bundle of love arrived at my house . Timmie nearly lost his home here over how he treated Maury . He was very , very jealous of Maury and began to growl at him and when Maury kept coming he lunged and attacked him . I had no choice but to keep him for the weekend because Cathy was about four hours away . In the meantime , Timmie marked 16 times in my house the first night and went after the cat . I tried to put Timmie in a kennel at night , which proved to be very unsuccessful . Because he was marking like a mad man I didn 't want us to sleep in my carpeted room so I ended up sleeping on the sleeper sofa in the living room with one dog on each side of me . I awakened several times throughout the night to the sound of growling by Timmie because Maury was trying to walk to the oI got Maury when he was 10 - years - old and unbeknownst to me he was nearly completely blind and deaf . I got him from a different rescue that is now no longer in existence , which is a good thing considering I got him without them having done a home check , I completed the application after getting Maury and the rescue had never even met Maury . I was not intending to adopt him and just wanted to try fostering because I had only had one previous dog that died when I was 14 years old . The rescue ended up abandoning both of us when they took his information off an adoption website and would not return my phone calls or e - mails . So , by default Maury became mine . Maury was just a good , old dog . When riding in the car , he would sit in the passenger seat and take his right paw and bang on the side door , which was the sign that he wanted the window rolled down . On a few occasions he managed to hit the button that rolled down the window and the first time he did it , I nearly drove off the road because it was a shock to have a dog roll down his own window , and because he was blind I was worried he might jump out of the car . We ended up worked out the system of when he banged , I rolled down the window just far enough for him to feel the breeze . When Maury was 12 - years - old I found out that he could get cataract surgery on one eye and for about a year he had some sight in it before losing it again . I never regretted having spent the money because getting to watch him see again remains one of my favorite memories . Right after his surgery , I was brought back and be with him because he was causing quite a ruckus wanting out of the cage . He was so upset that I ended up crawling in the cage with him and then accidentally locked myself in . When the vet tech rounded the corner and found us both in the cage , he burst out laughing because it was quite a sight ( pardon the pun ) . They were merciful enough to move us to a dog run , which was kind because I have no doubt that it was entertaining to watch us both crammed in a dog cage together . OBecause of Maury being deaf , I had trained him to do three tricks with me using hand signals that I had to do right next to his face because of his dimming , and then gone eye sight . He learned to sit , lay down , and then roll over like he was dead , which in retrospect wasn 't the most appropriate trick to teach an elderly dog . My signal for rolling over and playing dead was that I would point my index finger and make my hand look like a gun , while saying , bang - bang , which he clearly couldn 't hear but it added to the effect of the trick . Once he completely lost his eye sight again , I would do the hand signals actually on his face and he would perform the tricks . I originally found out about Maury when a wonderful private citizen named Elena Kogan saw a poster on a street corner that said that Maury was going to be put to sleep in three days by his family because they couldn 't keep him . Elena took Maury without knowing what she was going to do with him and paid quite a bit of money for vet care . It was after that the now defunct rescue organization agreed to take him and when I inquired about fostering for them , they connected me with Elena and told me to go get him . Elena stayed in contact with me and asked if she could visit him about a year before he died . At that point , I hadn 't tried to do Maury 's tricks with him for about a year because he had developed dementia and had very weak back legs . During Elena 's visit I remembered his tricks and decided I would at least give it a shot because she had never seen them . I will be darned if he didn 't remember them and performed them like a champ . What brought the house was what happened next . When Maury would get especially excited , he would point his nose to the ceiling and let out a big howl . He did this maybe once a month but before this particular day , I had not heard him do it for at least six months . After performing his tricks that day , he raised his head to the ceiling and let out a loud , excited howl . We were all so taken aback that Elena jumped . Maury died 14 moMaury was just a kind , quiet , faithful boy . Once I realized that Maury would be staying for the remainder of his life , I came to terms that I wouldn 't have a great deal of time with him because he was already 10 . Little did I know that he would live to be nearly 15 and I had to choose to have him put to sleep because he was never going to give up the fight to live . I put off putting him to sleep longer than I should have because I had never had to put a dog to sleep and I was so hoping he could die at home in his sleep . He was afraid of the going to the vet and I didn 't want him to end his life at a vet but my vet didn 't do house euthanization . I able to give him a sedative before we went and I had a bunch of beef jerky to feed him in my lap while my mom drove us there . He was very relaxed and ate so much beef jerky that we had to stop at 7 - 11 to buy more . My vet gave him a sedative injection when he first got there and he ended up falling asleep in my lap with a mouthful of beef jerky , which was exactly what I was hoping for . We put him to sleep with the vet crying as hard as I was . I had decided that the best way I could honor Maury was to foster dogs like him . In the past year , I have had five foster dogs , including Alvin and Stevie . I picked out Stevie because she reminded me so much of Maury . She is very hard of hearing , was blind but recently had cataract surgery , and is another older , sweet , faithful dog . Wherever I go , she goes and when I come home she insists on getting on her back legs , with her front paws on my lap and wants me to get right in her face so she can see me better . It doesn 't matter if I leave the house just to go to the car and come right back , Stevie is excited to see me every time . Stevie , just like Maury , is the kind of dog that makes you feel better about yourself . One day I noticed that Stevie was standing directly over Maury 's grave and was sniffing all around the area . I got a bit misty thinking that I was witnessing a particularly touching moment as Maury kind of handed over the tPosted by I want to thank you all again for the heart - felt , lovely comments . They have been greatly appreciated ! I can 't find out a way to post individual comments in response to your comments and so I thank you all very much for each comment . I think things are getting a bit easier but it is just always going to hurt on some level because he was the dog of a life time . I am not exaggerating when I say that I don 't think there was even a single day that my mom and I didn 't talk about what a perfect dog Timmie was . Every day we marvelled at the fact that he was the perfect combination of everything you could hope for in a dog . I think sometimes after a person has lost a loved one that they reflect back and either inflate the attributes of the loved one or only learn to fully appreciate the loved one once they are gone . With Timmie , my mom and I were always aware that he was that one in a million little being and I lost count of how many e - mails I sent to Camp Cocker thanking the founder , Cathy Stanley for saving Timmie and telling her how perfect he was . There was not even one day that I didn 't tell him how wonderful he was and far more often than not , I told him multiple times a day how perfect he was and how grateful I was to have him . All of that joy and happiness then is part of the pain now but that is just part of the deal and there 's no avoiding it . Some day I am going to write a long post of how and why he was so perfect because he really was quite extraordinary but it 's too soon and would be too painful at this point . So , your comments are particularly helpful and appreciated right now . My mom is home from the hospital after her knee replacement surgery . Alvin about busted a gut when he saw her . I had put him outside when getting her in the house for the first time and when I let him in he ran to her but because her walker was blocking the front of the chair she was sitting in , he leaped up on the side of the chair , got on his back legs , and hung on with his front legs while appearing to be nearly beside himself with happiness . We have been very fortunate that he is a bit afraid of her walker and manages to stay just far enough away so that he can 't trip her . I told her to try to bump him with it so hopefully he would continue to stay back but when she tried , he panicked and ended up circling himself into the wall , jumped around , got thoroughly confused as to where he was or where to go and finally managed to get the heck out of dodge . I told her that if he got used to the walker that we put an air horn on the walker that she can use to blast him into submission . The problem with that idea is that Alvin is not particularly afraid of loud noises . The dog is nearly afraid of his own shadow but leave it to him to be fairly unfazed by loud noises like most other dogs . He has had a couple mishaps with the walker , in that he gets so fixated on sniffing it that he becomes oblivious to everything else and he has raised up and bumped his head pretty hard on the bar of the walker . . . . . . he manages to do this when the walker is stationary . When my mom was still in the hospital a physical therapist came in and told us that the number one reason people fall after knee surgery is due to tripping over animals . Really ? You can imagine the looks on our faces because the guy hadn 't even met Alvin and had no idea what were are up against . Ideally , we would have found a temporary home for Alvin while my mom is here recovering but I could picture him whimpering and circling himself into oblivion and there was no way I could do that to him . Plus , they sent my mom home with a truck load of very heavy narcotics and I recAlvin has been very pleased with all of the new people coming in and out of the house . He always enjoys meeting new people because it provides all kinds of opportunities for him to sniff and circle . He is a particularly cute dog and so everyone makes a big deal over him and he enjoys playing his approaching / retreated game over and over again . Of course , he wants to repeatedly put his nose on everything that is brought into the house and between rehab equipment , bags , books , and forms , I am surprised that his nose hasn 't developed a callous yet . On a few occasions I have tried to put him outside when people are coming in and out because he is particularly adept at squeezing through small spaces and trying to make a run for it . When " trying " to put him out , he sees me coming and I have ended up looking like an idiot while chasing him all around the house as he tried his best to get away from me . Usually when I have to chase him , he is easily caught because he has to run in the same pattern and I can just cut him off at the pass but his newest trick is that he has learned to run away like a real dog and it has been a challenge to catch him . This has resulted in me doing that uncomfortable fake smile and laugh while excusing myself for having to jump over their equipment and bags to try to catch the little devil . When I do catch him , he manages to put on the breaks like no other dog I have known . Usually dogs just brace their back legs and because I have a tile floor , I can just slide them across the floor if necessary . But Alvin has developed his own resistance and manages to plant all four legs , with most of his weight on his front legs . This results in a much sturdier stance and when trying to slide him , he keeps those front legs planted and starts tipping forward as though he is going to face plant into the floor if I keep pulling . It is clearly a game of chicken and I always flinch first because I think he would possibly keep planted until he landed on his nose . I don 't want to have to call Camp Cocker and try tLike every other animal I have been around , Alvin has always been particularly drawn to my mom but now that she is back from the hospital , he spends a great deal of time staying close and just staring at her . I caught myself spending far too much time staring at him while he stared at her because I am amazed at how he can sit and stare and I was trying to figure out what was so darn interesting about my mom sitting in a chair watching TV . I don 't know what it is but he literally stares at her for hours and looks to be so very happy to do so . I took my mom on two walks outside today , which consists of her walking slowly with the assistance of her walker and me staying right next to her . Alvin so wants to go with us but because he tends to make circles around me to the point of binding my legs together with his leash , I figured that he should stay put in the house and we will only take him with us if we need an excuse to get more of those fancy pills . Keep in mind , that dear Alvin is supposed to be not even half way through his cage rest , which was abandoned long ago because of that whole cage fiasco I had previously written at length about . The good news is that he seems to be staying in one of his beds and sleeping far more than in the past . I try to keep the house as boring as possible so there is nothing else to do but sleep and with the exception of the people coming in and out of the house , that has been pretty successful . You know your life could use more spice in it when a high anxiety dog gets bored enough to sleep due to there nothing being more exciting to observe . I fool myself into believing that I could be so much more exciting if I wanted to and I am sacrificing my excitement for a dog but in reality , I am very easily able to bore dogs to the point of sleep . I think all of the activity yesterday wore Alvin out because he ended up going into the bedroom at 7 : 30 last night and put himself to bed . He is so cute when he puts himself to bed for the night because once he 's committed to it , he usually staysJanet White Thank you all for your very kind comments about the loss of Timmie . Timmie was that extra special dog that I knew would only come around once . I loved him more than any animal I have ever known and I am very saddened that he is gone . I used to tell him all the time that he had to live forever because my heart couldn 't take losing him . He was only five . I find that I can barely stand to write about it but I will write about Alvin 's response to losing Timmie . Timmie died shortly after midnight and I brought him home to bury him in my mom 's back yard . We chose her back yard because she owns her house and I rent . I couldn 't imagine ever moving and having to leave him behind . Since it was night , we couldn 't bury him until the next day and so I brought him home . It seemed only right to bring him home one last time . I had him in a container and I brought him in the living room . My mom wanted me to put him in the garage but I couldn 't bear to have him out in a cold garage . When I brought in the container Alvin was immediately very interested and stayed close to it . I opened it up and Alvin immediately stuck his head inside and sniffed and sniffed . He then began to whimper over and over again . My mom was in my bedroom and I asked her if she could hear him too , which she could . Alvin stayed close to the container and just kept sniffing and whimpering in a deep , guttural voice . I lifted Timmie out and held him in a blanket for a long time . I was agonizingly aware that it would be my last time being able to hold him . Alvin was very interested but only whimpered when I would put him back into the container . When I put the lid back on he became distressed and so I kept lifting it off so he could see Timmie again . Timmie was Alvin 's only friend . As you can imagine , Alvin has a hard time making friends but somehow Alvin and Timmie had a friendship . Timmie would at times try to play with Alvin , which resulted in completely confusing and freaking Alvin out and I would have to put a stop to it . Timmie was a jealous dog and didn 't lPosted by I have received a lot of requests for an update on Alvin . I have avoided updating because then I have to write that my dog Timmie did not make it through the pneumonia and he died . The loss is huge for me and the grief is nearly smothering . I will write sometime about Alvin 's reaction to the whole ordeal but for now I will leave it . Alvin has gone back to a lot of circling behavior and we are considering whether a medication like Prozac might be helpful for him . There are numerous psychotropics that are non - narcotic , non - addictive and it would be nice if we could find one that may help decrease his anxiety . That little mind is going a mile a minute and I think he needs some relief . He was such a different dog when sedated and was so much more relaxed . Obviously he can 't be sedated but the hope is that maybe one of the psychotropics could bring his anxiety down a bit . I don 't know how but the potty training magically kicked back in again but he is back to going potty outside . I don 't know how it clicked back in but I am certainly grateful . Alvin continues to sleep on the bed with me at night and lets me pet him all over and wrap my arms around him . There seems to be no threat if I am lying down . He is better about letting me pet his back when not on the bed but it remains a challenge for him . My cat , Maddie is doing her best to be cuddle buddies with Alvin . She continues so much to want her own dog to cuddle and groom and it seems as though Alvin is as close as she is going to get . When Alvin is lying on the bed she tends to come and try to get close to him but clearly not as close as she wants to . Maddie is a dog in a cat 's body . She used to go for walks with us ( I moved where I don 't want her walking on the street with us ) , she drinks out of the garden hose , has no fear of any dog , and long ago started to go potty like a dog . She just squats and goes with no attempt to cover it . When we used to go on walks she would go up on the lawn when my dog did and would squat on the lawn , go , and then come back to the sidewalk when the dog did . My mom 's knee surgery was today . I came home for a few minutes because she is still in recovery . They did a spinal block and her legs haven 't woken up yet and so they are keeping her in recovery longer . She will be coming to my house on Friday . Due to the fear of Alvin tripping her , I taught her to hold an arm out extended . Alvin trips people because he constantly looks up at their faces and doesn 't pay any attention to their feet . So , if she holds her arm out he get so busy looking at it that he stays about a foot away from her feet . Of course , they both look ridiculous but I very much enjoy the show . Posted by |
A few months ago we couldn 't get shoes on Tralee 's feet if our lives ' depended on it . In fact , if she even saw a pair of shoes she thought we would try to put on her she would start to cry . Boy , things have changed . I think her " I 'm - a - girl - so - I - must - be - obsessed - with - shoes " gene has FINALLY developed . It must have been a little slow , but now our little girl LOVES shoes ! If she sees ANY pair she immediately picks them up and hands them to us , which means she wants them on . It doesn 't matter if they 're too big or small , they don 't match , she already has a pair on , or it 's almost time for bed and there 's no need for shoes . Tralee just loves them . This is all much to Jim 's dismay . A few months ago he was happy with glee thinking that his daughter didn 't care for shoes . Now he 's a little worried . After living with me for almost six years he understands the obsession that comes over women and their need for cute new shoes . Now he 'll have two girls who love shoes under his roof . Just the other day I found a super cute pair of church shoes for Tralee on clearance . She didn 't have any church shoes that fit , so I bought them , and once home I immediately showed Tralee them . She wanted them on right away . I was so excited and Jim even admitted I got a steal of a deal and that the shoes were cute ! Last night Tralee really wanted her Daddy 's shoes on . So we captured a few pictures of the experience . It was cute . Excuse her appearance in the pictures . As I have mentioned in earlier posts , Tralee doesn 't like to waist time with diaper changes , so she ran away before I got her pants back on . Before I got them back on , she decided to step into her Daddy 's shoes . I didn 't want to waist this photo opportunity just to properly dress her , so the pictures are what they are . Also , much to my dismay right after I put Tralee in her jammies , she found some chocolate . I have no idea where , but she also has chocolate stains on her shirt . What 's a mom to do ? Just snap cute pictures I guess , regardless of what Tralee looks like ! She 's pretty daPosted by I took a cabinet door Jim wasn 't using , painted it , and had Jim 's cousin cut out a vinyl saying for me . It 's really nice having someone nearby with a vinyl cutting machine . I would love to have one , but they 're pretty pricey . So , until then I 'll let Cathy be my vinyl go - to girl . Anyways , I think the craft turned out pretty nice . Don 't you ? Posted by Tralee does not like diaper changes . It just takes up too much of her precious time . so , when that all - too - familiar stench is in the air and you ask her , " Do you need a change ? " she TAKES OFF ! ! Sometimes all you need to do is go get a diaper , Tralee sees what is about to happen and OFF SHE GOES ! ! ! It 's pretty cute . Usually as soon as you catch her , and the diaper change takes place , she cries , wiggles , squirms , and does just about anything to get away . It 's quite the process , especially if she pooped . This morning 's diaper change process was no different . I asked her if she needed a change ( which she obviously did ) and she kept running away . I decided to catch it on film . This was the third time I asked Tralee if she made a stinky . I don 't know if you 'll be able to hear it , but as she runs away she does a weird growling sound . It 's as if she 's annoyed and letting me know it ! Posted by Tralee has an ear infection . I took her to the doctor today , because the cold she 's been fighting for almost a month seemed to take a turn for the worst . Tralee hasn 't been sleeping well . First it 's too difficult for her to fall asleep , because of all the congestion . Then when she FINALLY doses off , she wakes up twenty minutes later from a coughing fit , and the cycle starts over again . I was up with her from 3 : 30 am until 5 : 30 am . I think she just gave up on sleeping , because she couldn 't get comfortable with all the stuffiness . She finally dozed off , and when she woke up this morning her eyes were swollen . The doctor said it 's because all the fluids are built up in her sinuses and that 's blocking off her tear ducts . Poor baby ! It 's been an exhausting , frustrating , and sad few weeks watching Tralee suffer . I would have taken her to the Doctor sooner , but it seemed as though she was getting better . I guess her little anti - bodies couldn 't quite fight off her illness , so it took over . Her Doctor prescribed some medicine to help join the battle . Hopefully this stupid cold will FINALLY go away ! It 's a dirty , yucky , stinky , infection and I want it to DIE ! ! ! I 'm usually a make love not war kind of person , but I want this infection to go to H - E - Double - Hockey - Sticks and leave Tralee alone . She needs to be healthy again . Tralee DID NOT like the doctor 's office . Poor Dr . Babel ( who I love ) had to deal with Tralee SCREAMING the whole time . Tralee doesn 't like strangers , and she REALLY doesn 't like it when strangers try to touch her or hold her . So , when he was listening to her heart beat , even though I was holding her , she still freaked ! It was even worse when he looked into her ears . She was fighting so hard , we had to lay Tralee on the table , while the Dr . held her head still , and I held her arms down . The whole time she was screaming . MY GOODNESS ! She probably wouldn 't have been so bad , if she felt better and got enough sleep . But she already had two strikes against her going into the doctor 's office . Having a strange NursPosted by My Mom sent Tralee a few little gifts for Easter . The punch balloon was one of them . After watching us do it , Tralee decided to take a turn punching the balloon . It 's pretty cute to watch her do it . I was released from being a Visiting Teaching Supervisor and was called to the Primary Presidency . I 'm going to be the Secretary for Primary ! I 'm excited and nervous . I was getting a little too comfortable just making phone calls a few times a month . Heavenly Father must have known I needed a new opportunity for growth ! I have now idea what my new calling will involve , but I 'm excited for the opportunity . This was Tralee 's second Easter , and the first one she got into a little bit . This was especially exciting for her Mommy and Daddy . Saturday afternoon we headed over to Jim 's Uncle house in Eagle where he was hosting the annual Easter Egg Hunt . Usually Tricia does it , but she as out of town , so Dave and his wife Becky took it upon themselves to host this event . We really appreciate them for doing this , as we all had a lot of fun . Here is Tralee and two of her second cousins traipsing off to find some fun before the Easter Egg Hunt . Here is Tralee playing in the sand before finding eggs . You can see some eggs in the background . In case you don 't know , Jim 's Mom comes from a family of twelve kids . Eleven girls , and one boy . Dave is the ONE boy . Each of the original twelve have kids , and some of their kids have kids . So , when you plan a party on that side of the family LOADS of people show up . Some that I don 't even know all that well , and I 've been married into the family for almost six years . Heck . . . Jim doesn 't even know some of his cousins all that well either . Anyways , the Easter Egg Hunt was no exception to the quantity of people you would expect from such a large family . Good thing everyone was prepared , and there were enough eggs for everyone . Dave and Becky have a nice big house , and a nice big yard to go with it . So , there was enough room for everyone , and enough room to hide TONS AND TONS of eggs . The upper part of their back yard was designated for children six and under , while the bottom yard was for kids seven and over . As soon as we got the okay , Jim and I took Tralee to search for eggs . I was surprised at how quickly Tralee understood what to do . I mean , she 's only 14 months old , and as soon as we showed her an egg and told her to put it in her basket , she walked right over to it , and did what was asked . After a while we didn 't have to tell her what to do , she just figured it out on her own . We pointed to eggs for her , but she did the rest of the work . WHAT A SMARTY PANTS ! ! I love the picture above . Posted by Tralee loves to be naked . Changing her diaper has turned into a real struggle . As soon as she feels the sweet freedom of a bare bum , she does everything in her power to avoid getting trapped into another diapered experience . To avoid her running away after we take her diaper off , we try to change her on her changing table , because she 's a bit more cautious up there . However , this morning I was changing her downstairs on the couch . As soon as her diaper was off , she wiggled and squirmed until I gave up and decided to let her bum have a minute or two of sweet naked freedom . BIG MISTAKE ! Jim and I were watching her run around , as happy as can be when all of a sudden she stopped and stood still . Then it happened : SHE PEED . . . on the CARPET ! ! She looked a little sheepish afterwards as I explained that 's why I keep her in diapers . I didn 't get mad , I actually laughed . It was kind of funny . Plus , she didn 't struggle to get away when I put her diaper on . She just laid there with an embarrassed look on her face . Luckily it was just a little peep , not a big one , because cleaning it up wasn 't as hard as I thought it was going to be . AND luckily it wasn 't a poo ! So . . . that 's our day so far . This afternoon we 're going to Jim 's Uncle 's house for an Easter Egg hunt . Usually Jim 's Mom does the egg hunt , but she 's out of town this year . So , we 're off to Eagle to hunt Easter Eggs . I made Mellow Jello to bring and Red Velvet Cup Cakes . I 've wanted to try the red velvet recipe for a few weeks , but never did because I knew if I made them , I would eat them . So , this was the perfect occasion to try them . I made them , and now I can give them away . They turned out great ! So there you go and there you are . I 'm trying to be really health conscience lately . Not only to lose weight , but because the more I read about certain " power foods " the more impressed I am . For example , I started adding flax seed meal to Jim and my morning smoothie because not only is it rich in omega 3 and omega 6 fatty acids , it has been linked to fight cancer . Specifically colon cancer and breast cancer . I can hardly tell the flax seed meal is in my smoothie , and I enjoy the extra little crunch it adds . In my journey to become more healthy , I 've pursed through Jessica Seinfeld 's book . Deceptively Delicious . If you 're not familiar , the idea behind the book is hiding veggie purees in food . She came up with the concept because she had picky eaters in her family , and she needed to find a way to get her kids to eat their veggies . You hide the puree in food similar in color . For example pureed carrots or squash would go well with mac ' n cheese since it 's already orange . Now , I don 't really have a problem eating my veggies , but I know I probably don 't eat 3 to 5 servings a day . I usually have fruit with breakfast and lunch , and do the veggie thing at dinner . So , I thought following Jessica 's advice would benefit me and my family . So , yesterday while Tralee was napping , I steamed and pureed spinach , cauliflower ( my least favorite veggie ) , and carrots . I added 1 cup of the cauliflower puree to our mashed potatoes at dinner . I couldn 't even tell the difference ! I still had a side of steamed spinach as well . My mom was concerned I wouldn 't offer veggies to Tralee , and only hide them in other foods . Not the case , I 'm still doing veggies , but I 'm also pumping up my family 's veggie consumption by adding the purees to foods we enjoy . I 'll add the cauliflower puree to scrambled eggs . For dinner tonight I 'm making taco soup . I 'm going to add carrot puree and spinach puree to that and see how it turns out . I 'm excited about the prospect ! I 'm also going to try brownies with carrot and spinach purees , and Italian Meatloaf made with ground turkey and carrot puree . Posted by Today 's my sister - in - law 's Birthday . She 's child number five out of six in the original Jacobs ' clan . And , from watching some old Jacobs ' family videos , she was by far the cutest of the bunch ! No offense to any other Jacobs ' children , but Jim agrees with me on this one . Joni was a doll ! A blond , lurpy , couldn 't say her r 's doll ! Now Joni 's still as cute as can be ! She 's a blast to be around , and whenever I 'm with her I find myself laughing . The first time I met Joni , was also my first trip up to Canada . I was resting in a bedroom and in walked Joni ! She jumped on the bed , gave me a big hug and kiss , and told me how happy she was I was going to marry Jim . How 's that for an introduction ? There was no awkward hand shakes or conversation , I was immediately just one of the family . It 's safe to say I liked Joni from the start . I don 't get to see Joni all that often , but when I do there 's always fun to be had . So , wherever she is on this day of days , and whatever she 's doing I hope she 's happy . Happy Birthday Joni Lee Jacobs ! Today was fun and a bit alarming . I called Carey , one of Jim 's cousin 's wives I hang out with , and asked her if she and her girls wanted to go swimming at the Y with Tralee and me . She agreed and we had a nice time with our little girls . She has an eight - month - old and three - year - old . Carey came to our house , we hung out for a bit , and then we packed up the girls and left to go swimming . Tralee loved being in the water . She walked right into the beach area , and almost ran into deeper waters . The girl has no fear ! She kept trying to get me to let go of her . Funny girl ! What was so interesting is how comfortable Tralee became floating in the water . She kept arching her back and wanting to lay in the water as I held her . I barley had to support her as I just let her float . She loved it ! However , after about an hour I asked Tralee if she was done , and she signed back " Done ! " So we got out of the water , and left to go back home . Carey and her daughters came with and we were all enjoying just hanging out when Carey 's phone rang . I knew something wasn 't quite right when Carey 's face went white and she exclaimed , " WHAT ! ? ! ? " into her phone . She immediatly walked to the door and started putting on her shoes . My heart sank as I realized something was very wrong . When Carey got off the phone she let me know her husband was in the hospital . All she knew was he had been crushed by some machinery while working . She was reacting how any wife would react after getting this news . I did what any friend would do , and offered my services . . . what could I do to help ? In the middle of this Carey got another phone call which let her know that her husband was conscience , and it wasn 't as bad as we first thought . PHEW ! ! ! I drove to the hosptial while Carey followed me as she wasn 't familiar with the area we live in . Then I stayed and watched her girls while she saw her husband . He was fine , banged , bruised , and stitched up , but able to leave the hospital that night . Another big PHEW ! ! I stayed in the waiting room the whole time . Tralee napPosted by It 's been so long since we 've been out to eat . So , I didn 't complain at all when Jim came home from work and said , " Let 's go out to eat ! " I was especially glad because I hadn 't figured out what to cook yet . I have days where my meals are completley planed out , and I really enjoy being in the kitchen . Then I have days where I just don 't want to cook and have absolutley no motivation to do so . Yesterday was one of those days , so going out to eat was a treat ! We went to TGI Fridays . Jim ordered ribs , I ordered a sandwich . Both were good . We ordered Tralee a juice , and she sampled off of both of our plates . It was a nice time . When we got home , Jim started watching an NBA basketball game , and I got ready to go work out . I 've been doing the stair climber at the Y . That thing kicks my butt ! It 's not just a stair stepper , but actual stairs that move like an escalator that you continuously climb . After that I did some weights , sit - ups , I biked , then I went and did more sit - ups . I 'm determined to be swim suit ready this summer ! I really wanted to just stay at home and be lazy last night , but then I thought of what I looked like in a swimsuit and decided I better go work out . I have to go grocery shoppping today , and then I want to think of something fun to do . Maybe Tralee and I will go swimming at the Y ! Later Gator ! I 'm an airhead ! This is not the first time I 've come to this realization . In fact , when I was in sixth grade I lip sang to the song " I 'm too Ditzy " sung to the tune of " I 'm too Sexy " for a music class talent show . My peers found it hilarious , I was just being me . Not too long after Jim and I were married we got a nice camcorder from my parents as a Christmas present . We used it on Christmas morning at Jim 's sisters house , it worked great ! After the excitement of opening presents subsided , everyone in our party decided to go ice skating . We packed up our snow clothes , ice skates , and sledding gear , and headed outside for some winterly fun . I wanted to bring our nice new camcorder , so I grabbed it as I was heading out the door , along with my other snow gear . Jim and I walked to the car with some of our nieces , and I set some stuff on top of the car , so we could strap in the little girls , and pack in the rest of our gear . Then we were off ! Everyone was happy and things were going great until cars passing us started honking and waving at us . " That 's odd ! " I thought . Then I heard the " CLUNK . CLUNK . " Which made me realize I forgot to grab our nice new camcorder from on top of the car . " THE CAMCORDER ! " I screamed . Jim pulled over , and I quickly got out to survey the damage . Luckily for me the camara was in its protective case , but while tumbling off the top of our car it fell out . Still , there was only minor damage done to it . The major damage was done to my ego as I sheepishly got back in the car to have my , not - so - pleased husband exasperate to me , and everyone else , the fact that I was an airhead . A few years after this incident I was filling my car up with gas , while talking to my mother on my cell phone . ( I know I know , you 're not supposed to talk and gas up at the same time . ) After the fueling was finished I climbed back into the car , still talking to my mother , and happily drove off . Then I heard it , the all to familiar " CLUNK . CLUNK . " I looked in my rear - view mirror to see my wallet in the middle of the fairly busyPosted by So , I 'm a horrible wife and didn 't do anything to celebrate our first kiss , except post about it on my blog . I did give Jim lots of kisses though . So , hopefully that will be enough . When Jim got home from work he handed me a little card . There was a picture of a leprechaun mooning me on the front of it , then you opened it up and it said , " top of the moonin ' to ya ! " Then , as Jim always does in cards , he wrote me a poem . It said , " clovers and green ! Some berries are blue ! Do you remember the 1st dayThat I kissed you ? I love you baby nose ! ! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoJim " So cute ! Jim watched Tralee last night so I could go work out . We both fell off the bandwagon ( work - out wise ) when we got sick . Now we 're starting up again . I haven 't weighed myself lately , because I don 't want to know what happened when I stopped working out . I also didn 't really watch what I ate while I was sick , because I just didn 't care . Well . . . I care again . I 've been eating healthy ( since yesterday ) and I plan to workout at least three times a week . So . . . hopefully Jim and I can both stay healthy so we can get bathing suit bods for summer . That 's all I have to say about that . Today is very special . Not only is it my brother Jimmy 's and his wife Amy 's wedding anniversary , but it 's the anniversary of Jim and my first kiss . AND . . . to bring it all together it 's St . Paddy 's Day ! Oh . . . and it 's our niece 's Colleen 's first birthday . Can this day hold anymore excitement ? I don 't think it can ! For those of you who don 't know the story of Jim and my first kiss , I 'll explain it to you . It was the year 2001 , and I was sitting in my dorm room with another fella who I was friends with . We were chit - chatting when I heard a knock on my door . I opened the door to have Jim pushed in by a few of his buddies . The guy I was friends with left when Jim came in , and Jim and I started talking . Jim handed me a sour gum ball and said , " Happy St . Paddy 's Day ! " I guess he was handing out candy , because since he served a mission in Ireland , St . Paddy 's Day is special to him . Anywho , I put the gum ball in my mouth , spit it out and said , " Ouch , that hurt my tongue ! " Jim jokingly replied , " I 'll kiss it better . " I thought to myself , " he 's not really going to kiss me , is he ? " Jim said while I was thinking that , he was thinking , " She 's not really going to let me kiss her , is she ? " Well , we ended up kissing ! Then Jim asked me out on a date . While I was getting ready he went out into the hallway with a big grin on his face to meet up with his friends . His friends took one look at Jim 's face and asked , " Did you kiss her ! ? ! " Jim just smiled , they all freaked out , and Jim and I left for a group date . So there you go . Now , there 's one more sad part to this story , and a happy ending . After Jim and I dated for a bit , I broke up with him for stupid reasons on my behalf ( this is a whole other story ) . So , when I wasn 't returning Jim 's phone calls , he was so sad ! Then one night I came home and found a single sour gum ball taped to my door . Later on Jim told me he had put it there , in hopes that it would make me smile . Poor guy , I broke his heart ! Now here 's the happy ending . After Jim and I were engaged I was leaving work and walkiPosted by I watched some of Jim 's Aunt 's kids today . It was pretty fun . They have a little girl a few days younger than Tralee , and it 's cute to watch them interact . Their daughter Brinley is so well behaved compared to Tralee . She doesn 't cry / whine when her mom leaves . In fact , it didn 't even seem like she realized her Mom was going . She just wandered around . Tralee keeps a radius on me . If I get too far away it 's like something inside her goes off , and she goes into crisis mode looking for me . When I leave Tralee with anyone for even a minute , she starts wailing . When we were at the Mom 's luncheon yesterday Tralee started climbing the stairs , and another Mom went to go pick her up . As soon as Tralee realized someone other than her mother would dare to come near her , she started running / hiding her face from the other mom to get away from her . As soon as the mom picked her up , Tralee started crying until she was back in my arms again . CRAZY KID ! It 's not like I RUN to her every time she cries . I let her calm herself down , or find her way back to me on her own . So , I don 't think it 's completely my fault that she is the way she is . Part of the problem is it 's just her and me all day everyday , so she 's used to that dynamic . Oh well , hopefully she 'll grow out of this Mommy phase soon . It 's difficult on me , because I know of fun and cute she can be . But , if anyone else tries to get in on the cuteness Tralee turns into a clinging crying mess ! One funny thing happened at the Mom 's lunch yesterday . Someone was playing peak - a - boo with Tralee , and she wasn 't quite ready to warm up to this person yet . So , without looking she was scooting back towards my lap . Michelle was between me and Tralee , so Michelle picked up Tralee without letting her see who it was . Tralee started hugging , laughing , and snuggeling with Michelle like she thought it was me , and she was playing and laughing with the person playing peak - a - boo with her . We all knew that Tralee didn 't know an imposter Mommy was holding her . We all waited to see how Tralee would reacPosted by Last year I found a cute raincoat for Tralee on clearance at Walmart . I think I got it for $ 7 . 00 . It 's so cute ! Today was raining , so I thought it was the perfect time to break it in ! Tralee was just happy to go outside . She loves going outside ! She 'll sit by the sliding door going into our backyard area and stare into the distance with a faraway look on her face . When Jim leaves for work , she 'll run towards the door in hopes that Jim will take her with him . As soon as Jim waves bye - bye and closes the door Tralee 's disappointment is apparent by her tears . Since the weather is getting nicer I try to take her out at least a few times a day and let her wander around . Daddy also takes Tralee out when he gets home from work . She just loves it ! I 'm starting to feel like myself again . I 'm at the end stage of a cold where your body is trying to get rid of all that gross stuff . I 'm coughing a lot , but I feel better . So I 'm thankful for that ! Since I felt better today , I let Tralee wander around outside for a while with her new cute jacket . Afterwards we left for Theresa 's house . Theresa is one of Jim 's cousins , and she invited a lot of stay - at - home moms in the family over to her house for a " Mom 's Lunch . " There were 5 Moms that showed up , and a dozen kids or so . We let the kids play , while the mom 's chit - chatted . We ate homemade pizza , salad , veggies and dip , fruit , cookies , and drank lemon - aid and water . It was fun . Plus , since Theresa has eight kids , she had some hand - me - down clothes for some of us with younger kids . I found some cute clothes for Tralee to wear . YAY ! It was a fun day . Tralee fell asleep on the way home , and now I 'm sitting here wondering what to do tonight . Jim 's gone installing cabinets in McCall . He won 't be back until tomorrow . I 'll miss him tonight , but I 'm glad he 's getting more work . We 've been blessed with a cabinet company that wants to use Jim as their main installer . They pay really well , and want Jim to join their golf league . So it 's a win - win situation ! Jim 's excited about the golf league , anLeslie I just finished watching North and South , BBC 's adaptation to Elizabeth Glaskell 's novel . I LOVED IT ! To anyone who also loves A & E 's version of Pride and Prejudice , I highly recommend North and South . There 's the same " will they ever get together ? " going on in this story as there is in Pride and Prejudice There 's another movie based on a book by Elizabeth Glaskell called Wives and Daughters . I 've added that to the top of our Netflix as soon as I finished watching North and South . It was a bit long , but since I 'm not feeling my best , I felt absolutely no guilt staying in my P . J 's and watching it . I paused it several times to play / feed / read / bath Tralee , but I lucked out during the last 1 1 / 2 episodes while Tralee took a nap . That was the best part anyways ! I just wanted to recommend this movie to anyone who hasn 't already seen it , and who enjoys movies / books from the Victorian ( I believe ) period . Jim got a birthday card from his mother , that sings the song " Shout " when you open it . Tralee likes to open and close the card and hear the song play . Almost every time the card opens Tralee starts dancing . It 's really cute . I got a bit of it on film , but you know kids never do things EXACTLY they way they do them when a camera 's not in their face . Anyways , you get the jist of it , and it 's pretty cute ! I 'll also post a few pictures from Jim 's lame - o birthday . We were all sick , and I never even got around to making him a cake . So , at around 6 : 00pm Jim says , " Oh well , it 's already six and I guess I won 't get a birthday cake . " I felt so guilty that I drove to Walmart and picked him up a frozen cheesecake . I promised him that when we 're all feeling better ( hopefully by this weekend ) I 'll make him a wonderful birthday cake , and we 'll go out and do something fun . Poor guy . The other sucky thing that happened on Jim 's birthday is Tralee fell out of a Costco shopping cart ! After spending the morning on the couch coughing , sneezing , and feeling sick , Jim and I decided we should at least TRY and do something for his birthday . So , we went out for pizza , and decided to stop by Costco and walk around . Tralee doesn 't sit really well strapped in , in the front of carts , and she usually squirms her way out of the restraint . So , I thought I could but her in the main part of the cart , where she could stand . I 've done this several times before , but I don 't think I 'll ever do it again . We were slowly walking down an isle , Jim was up by Tralee , and I was watching her as I pushed the cart . I don 't really understand how it happened , and it happened SO fast , but all of a sudden I see Tralee falling out of the cart ! Jim and I both reached for her , but she tumbled out , did a summer - salt mid air , and landed on her back . I think an angel must have given her a soft landing , because for her height it was a long fall onto a hard cement surface . Miraculously Tralee was okay . She cried , but no damage was done , except for my ego . I felt like the worst must stupid mother in the world ! At least Tralee is fine , and we 're thankful she landed how she did , and not on her head . We 're all still feeling pretty crappy . I think I might be getting better , but I still can 't sleep at night . I 'm pretty tired . I have no urge to do anything but lay around and drink liquids . I started getting flu symptoms yesterday , but I won 't go into the details of that , because Posted by Last night we went to Jim 's Mom 's house for a birthday dinner for Jim . While there Tricia told us the best story about one of the doctors I saw while pregnant with Tralee . There were three OB / Gyn 's at the office I went to for check - ups , and one of them was brand new out of medical school . Jim and I liked him , and he shared our LDS faith . He was the doctor I saw when I heard Tralee 's heartbeat for the first time . I knew I could get the scoop out of ALL the doctors , since Tricia is a delivery nurse . So , when I asked her about this particular doctor , she told me that he was LDS , married , had a teenage son , and that he and his wife had several years of failed pregnancies . Last night Tricia explained that after two recent miscarriages this doctor and his wife were looking to adopt . It wasn 't long after this decision was made that a young woman came into the hospital and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl . This young woman was troubled , recently divorced , and the baby was the result of a one - night stand . While giving birth the woman was adamant that she DID NOT want to see the baby . The nurses gathered that she never once saw a doctor the entire pregnancy , and was in denial the entire pregnancy . After giving birth the woman wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible . One of the nurses on duty thought of the doctor and his wife who recently decided to give adoption a try , and immediately called this doctor to explain the situation . It didn 't take long for the following to occur . This doctor and his wife , I 'm sure after fervent prayer , decided to try and give this new baby a loving home . He contacted the doctor who delivered the baby who explained to the birth mother that there was a couple interested in adopting the little girl she delivered . The birth mother agreed , signed all the necessary papers , and the adopting doctor and his wife came to the hospital to take their new daughter home ! Isn 't that AMAZING ! ? ! They JUST decided to adopt , and then this happened ! I think there was some Heavenly intervention involved ! Posted by Almost seven years ago my boyfriend ( now husband ) invited me on a trip up to his land of birth , Canada . We planned on fishing , touring Waterton National Park , and most importantly for me - - a girl contemplating marrying this guy - - meeting his family up there . Jim 's friend 's often told me , " if you want to know what Jim will look like when he 's older , just look at his dad . " They also warned me that Jim 's personality is a lot like his father 's as well . " Alright " thought I , " I will be able to see into the future on this trip to Canada , and discover what my future might look like if I marry Jim . " Jim even told me on the 10 hour drive up to Canada that meeting his father would be an experience . After 10 hours of sitting in Jim 's Blue Grand Am , belting out our favorite songs , talking to my oh - so - cute boyfriend , and wondering what his family in Canada would be like , we pulled into his Grammy 's driveway which is next door to Jim 's Dad 's . Jim got out first while I continued to study my new surroundings . I thought that Canada was beautiful in July , but what would his family be like ? Then I saw Ross , Jim 's Dad walking towards the car . Jim jumped out and greeted his dad with a hug , and I got out wondering what the introduction to my ( maybe ) future father - in - law would be like . I always thought I would be nervous meeting my boyfriend 's family . It turns out I wasn 't that nervous , and before I even took two steps out of the car I heard Ross yell , " CORKY ! ! ! " I turned around wondering who he was talking to . " CORKY ! ! ! " Ross exclaimed again while looking right at me . I turned questioningly to Jim , wondering why his father was calling me Corky . Perhaps Ross got me mixed up with one of Jim 's old girlfriends , but Jim looked as confused as me . " Corky , how are you ? " Ross asked . I 'm sure at this point I was still a little speechless , and probably mustered out a nervous laugh . Since I wasn 't answering yet , Ross turned to Jim and explained that I looked like someone he knew or dated while in college . This cleared up the matter a bit , and as I Posted by Today is Jim 's birthday ! He 's 29 ! I can 't believe I 'm married to a 29 year old ! When did 29 go from old to a normal age ? The sad news is our whole family is sick . Jim caught what Tralee and I have , so instead of partying it up , we 're still in our P . J 's watching the boob - tube . I did managed to make Jim and nice breakfast , and I have plans to make him a cake later on today . I also woke him up with presents . He got another Irish shirt ( tradition , he gets an Irish shirt every year ) , some of his favorite treats , and some new jeans . He seemed to really like them . I 'm really blessed to have such an amazing husband . Jim works so hard for our family , and I honestly believe if he could , he would give us the world . Jim is sweet , funny , kind , wonderfully weird , an amazing father , supportive husband , and worthy priesthood holder . He 's so kind and giving of his time . The list goes on . In fact , I will make a list of 29 of the many reasons I love Jim . 1 . He can 't resist pulling over at a lemon aid stand , and giving the kids more than they 're charging for lemon aid . 2 . He 's a crazy Canadian , who takes me to his beautiful place of birth every summer , and gets excited to see his family . 3 . When I 'm REALLY stressed out , he 'll drop everything to come rescue me , take care of me , and do whatever I need him to . 4 . He makes up silly lyrics to popular songs , sometimes it drives me crazy , but I mostly love it . 5 . He 's good at EVERYTHING he tries . Whenever we try something new Jim becomes a pro within a few hours , while it takes me years to master his skill ( this also drives me crazy that things come so easy to him , but at the same time I 'm so proud of my talented husband ! ) 6 . Even though he complains about her , Jim helps take care of my dog when I need him to . He even lets her sleep between his legs every night . There 's no other place she 'll sleep ! 7 . He LOVES food , especially chocolate , so he raves about EVERYTHING I cook . Even if I under / overcook something , or something turns out discusting Jim will say it 's the BEST thing he ever ate . 8 . Every Posted by Here 's a Tag my friend invited me to do . I usually don 't do these things , but enjoy reading others . However , I 'm sick and I REALLY don 't feel like cleaning . We 've been home one day , and it 's amazing how messy our house can get without me constantly picking up after Tralee , Corky , and Jim . Jim cooked for me all day yesterday and helped keep Tralee occupied so I could sleep off my 100 degree fever . Anyways , after finally getting out of bed , I came downstairs to a disaster . Oh well . The plus side is my fever is gone , and I feel a little better . I just don 't feel quite well enough to tackle the mess my family created ( I 'm just putting it off ) . Anyways , instead of cleaning I thought I would do this tag , it 's a nice way to put off the inevitable . Whoever feels compelled to do this tag , GO FOR IT ! ! Just copy and paste it in your own blog , delete my answers , then answer away . 10 years ago I was : Thinking I was a hot stuff 16 - year - old . You know those groups of teenagers that think they 're SO funny and cute , but really they 're just annoying all the adults in the room - - yay , I was pretty much the ring leader of that group . I did have fun though . My friends and I did some crazy , goofy things . I was also super boy crazy , and had numerous crushes . 5 things on my to do list for today : 1 . Clean2 . Give Tralee a bath3 . Scrub and sanitize the carpet where Corky puked ( this kind of goes with # 1 ) 4 . Figure out what to do for Jim 's birthday tomorrow5 . Decide if I 'm well enough to go to our Bowling League4 things I would do if I became a billionaire : 1 . Pay off all ours and our families ' debt2 . Travel3 . Open a fun craft / antique store ( I would have others run it , but do the fun things like order stuff for the store when I feel like it . ) 4 . Hire a personal chef and personal trainer to cook healthy yet tasty meals for me , and whip my butt into shape . If that didn 't work , than I would get a boob job and tummy tuck ( having Tralee wreaked havoc on my body ) 3 bad habits : 1 . Procrastinating 2 . Not thinking before I speak3 . Getting to places late ( JiPosted by Oh my goodness it feels good to be home ! ! Tralee was sick the WHOLE time we were watching Jim 's Uncle 's kids . She cried ALL THE TIME , and just wanted me to hold her . She also woke up every hour every night we were there and cried . I gave her Infant Tylenol , and that seemed to help a bit , but after having gotten NO sleep five nights in a row , I 'm exhausted ! I also caught whatever Tralee has . My head is achy , my throat hurts , and my nose is so stuffy that even when Tralee slept , I couldn 't because I couldn 't breath . I faked my way through the rest of our stay , and tried to be involved with the kids as much as possible . We played outside , baked , played games , and talked . So , hopefully the kids had a good time , and don 't think I 'm a dud for a babysitter , because I was out of it for a lot of the time I was there . I felt bad , because when Tralee is healthy , and when she gets used to people she 's a delight to be around . She was a stinker the WHOLE time for the kids we were watching . If one of them even tried to talk to her , she would freak out . There were a few sparse moments when she played with the other kids , but not nearly enough . Tralee pretty much demanded my attention , but I had four other kids to worry about cooking for , cleaning for , and running around . Jim helped when he could , but he had to work also . Plus , their oldest boy really liked Jim 's undivided attention so it was a little difficult . It would have been much easier if Tralee wasn 't sick , but what can you do ? We 've been home now for a few hours , and Tralee seems happy to be home . She 's not nearly as fussy as she was , and I think just having the familiarity of her home around her helps . She 's been playing with Corky , and giving me hugs , so all is well . I hope and pray that tonight , since we 're at home , everyone will sleep soundly . I REALLY need some rest . I feel like a zombie . I 'm so glad that today when Tralee falls asleep for a nap , I 'll be able to rest with her . I can 't wait to sleep , I never missed it so much as I do now . Well , see ya later . Jim and I are watching his Uncle 's kids for five days , so we 're not at home . We don 't have a lot of free time to blog since we 're busy running kids to piano , soccer , gymnastics , mutual , school , and various other activities . . . so we 'll update you after we get home and we 're settled into our regular routine . Tralee 's has had a fever the last few nights . It seems like everytime we 're watching other people 's kids , she gets sick . She has a runny nose , she 's been sleeping HORRIDLY ( waking up every hour and fussing ) , and she 's coughing and sneezing . Poor baby . She 's really grumpy and clingy to be too , but I think it also has something to do with four kids surrounding her and wanting her attention . She feels a little overwhelmed , I can relate . Until next time . . . . Guys , holy crap I 've been busy . No time to blog , and I have stories to tell . It 's a little frustrating , but as priorities go . . . I 've been having a lot of fun making printables lately . Can you tell ? I guess it 's just an easy and inexpensive way to decorate , . . . I updated this blog post once more ( as of 01 / 10 / 2014 ) . Now , just click on the image , and it will take you to a download link . I 've siz . . . |
I bought a camera today ! Yay me ! It 'll be here in about 2 days , then I have to learn how to use the damn thing , and then I 'll post some pictures . I think the last time I owned a camera I was still in junior high . Also , Kevin got a little obsessed with me writing about " The crazy bitches " in this house . So there you have it . My friends are crazy . And bitches . But I love them and this ghetto house . You know how you always see all those photographs and post cards of the sun coming into Grand Central in the morning , and it looks pretty fantastic ? This morning I had a chance to hang out in Grand Central while the sun came up . It doesn 't really look like that , but it 's nice to just sit on the edges and watch the place fill up with the morning commuters . Maybe it would look like that at the right time of day , if the lights weren 't so bright in here . I always thought those pictures were sunrise though because the station is always empty for them . At sunset the station would be packed . But . . . it 's just a photograph , so who knows if it is set up and orchestrated some how . Still , this is such a beautiful building . I never noticed the zodiac signs on the ceiling . Never bothered to look up . Never had an hour to kill so early in the morning . I 've got to head back up to the Bronx , but no one will be up until 8am . My bus got in at 6 : 30am . I thought it was supposed to go to Penn Station , but it only stopped in Chinatown . Lame . I do not know that area and I had to ask about a thousand people where the train was before I could find it . The trouble with not knowing your way in Chinatown is that no one there speaks enough english to tell you anything . I 'll be so happy to finally put my bags down and sleep in a horizontal position . People should not have to sleep on crowded busses . At least I slept through the whole tunnel . I am not at all a fan of driving through the tunnels . I 'll go out of my way to take a bridge . Driving through a long tunnel like that just doesn 't seem safe to me . For some reason I have no issues with the train going underwater to leave Manhattan , but I can 't deal with a car doing it . Or , more accurately , hundreds of cars all at once . I 'd much rather not do it . Like taking an elevator for less than 4 floors ; I 'd rather take the stairs , because elevators seem like a bad idea . It 's rather odd , because I certainly consider myself a risk taker . I have no issues doing something unsafe 50 feet above the stage flo0 When I took the bus down to South Carolina on Monday the craziness of the whole ordeal got me talking to some of the passengers . I sat next to a woman named Robin . She was on her way back to Atlanta from Maine , where she had just buried her mother . She was an older woman , but she had no home and was staying with her son . She used to have a husband and a steady job , but she divorced him a few years ago , and then was laid off . Suffice to say , she had seen better times . I told her about what I was doing and the farm job I had lined up . She said she had been thinking of doing something like that , but she didn 't know where to look . I gave her the WWOOF website and told her that it was worth the $ 20 . She seemed excited and I hope she uses it . Who knows , maybe I 'll bump into her again . I 'm a little annoyed with myself for not getting her email address . I am now back on a Greyhound bus . I 'm heading back to Richmond to see Cory for a second and then leave for NY on a Chinatown bus at 1am . This Greyhound experience has been a lot like the last one , in that it sucks . The bus took off thirty minutes late , but this was understandable because the weather was pretty bad . We were running about an hour behind when the bus suddenly turned around 60 miles north of our last stop , Greensboro , NC . One of the passengers had gone up to the front of the bus , talked to the driver , and without explanation , the bus turned around . Finally one of the other passengers asked what the hell was going on . The driver told us he was going back to Greensboro to drop off that passenger that he had been talking to , and then we would turn back and drive straight to Richmond without making any stops . He expected we would get there on time , which should have been 5 : 20pm . When we got back to Greensboro he dropped that passenger off at a rental truck place , not the bus stop . If I had known this bus was actually a cab maybe I would have asked to be taken to the Bronx instead . Lame . I have no idea why that guy did not get off the bus the first time we were in Labels : Aaaaaand I 'm in Greenville . Well no , I 'm in Simpsonville , a little urban sprawl town right outside it . Oh suburbs , I 'll never be comfortable here . There is really nothing around here but houses . I went for a walk yesterday , just to see what it was like around here . Houses . A school . More houses . No bus , no store , not even a sidewalk . Lots of trees , but no trails . Private , private property . I didn 't wander about too much , don 't want to get shot at by any gun - toting ex - yankees in houses so big they don 't know what to do with them . Giant houses on little plots all set right up on the road . I called my cousin and he came and picked me up . He lives about 45 minutes from my grandmothers , so I was very grateful . There 's not much to do in Greenville , but at least there are things to look at . We walked around the downtown area . Got gelato . I 'm boring myself here and I wish I had something amazing to report , but I don 't . I 'm not sure why anyone would want to live here . There 's not much culture or history . Well , maybe there used to be , but it appears that all the old buildings have been torn down to make way for shopping centers and fake waterfalls . The day ended with a rousing game of Parchisi . I almost won , BUT MY UNCLE CHEATED . That 's not true , he 's not a cheater , I just stink at Parchisi . Picking up my mother today . She 'll school everyone at that game . Oh . Statements like that one are what make SC so boring . I 'm going to go out now and spray paint " Barock the Vote " in the streets , that should rouse things up a bit . Backstory : I have been planning to go down to SC to visit my grandmother in her new home and surprise her . My mother planned to fly out and meet me so we could surprise her together . The plan was , I would take a Greyhound into Charlotte and she would fly . I would get there a few hours before her and take public transportation to the airport so that we could be picked up together and I wouldn 't have to hang out in a greyhound station . Wow . Wow . Oh my ridiculous travels . I 'm in day two of my bus trip down to SC and oh my God how did this happen ! ? ! ? Yesterday I called my mother to check in and see what time we were getting picked up by my uncle , and I find out that I had the whole trip planned around the wrong day . My mother is not coming in until Wednesday which means I didn 't have anyone to pick me up from Charlotte until then . I frantically called my uncle and then purchased another bus ticket that would take me from Charlotte ( about 2 hours from their place ) to Greenville ( about 15 minutes from their place ) . The ticket didn 't cost much , so it wasn 't a huge deal , but it 's a good thing the bus goes there at least . I finally spoke to my uncle and he 'll be able to pick me up . * phew * Right , don 't sigh in relief quite so fast Krysta , you know how your luck runs . I would say that part of the reason I 'm such a resourceful person is because of all the crazy shit that always seems to happen in my life . As soon as I think a situation is fixed , something stupid almost always happens to make it worse . So what happened ? Well , the bus showed up an hour late to Greyhound because it had broken down . It didn 't leave for another hour after that . The driver , who I think might be a bit crazy , spent a great deal of time yelling at passengers for no apparent reason . Then , as I thought we might be making up some time , he got lost . One of the passengers managed to give him directions , and we are now running two and a half hours late . AWESOME ! But wait , it gets better ! My connecting bus leaves at 3 : 30 , we were supposed to be in at 2 : 30 . Not Labels : Today was my first trip ever to Coney Island . I 'm not sure how it is possible that I grew up in NY and I never came here , but I think it has something to do with my parents not loving me enough . Wow . I love it ! ! I 'm so sad that they are ripping it all down ! People talk about how run down and gross it is , but it 's not really . It 's just not updated like the rest of this city . But why would anyone want to update a place like this ? I feel like it 's classic . There are old arcade games , old rides , old boardwalks , old people . . . wait , no actually , it was mostly young people . I guess I 'm a little obsessed with the way things used to be in NY before a bunch of mayors came in and insisted on making everything so commercial . I like the older stuff . I would not have minded walking into Times Square and seeing a smut theatre where Mary Poppins now stands . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not going to put my values in theatre below smut , but as far as theatre goes , Mary Poppins is not it , and I 'm not sure that Disney should even own any Broadway houses . The wonderful thing about Coney Island is that it 's a bunch of independent people who have set up shop there and run their own things . It 's not just one big Astroland , it 's a bunch of little parks with a handful of rides , and Astroland is one of them . Then there are a bunch of carnival games and arcades . One of those games is Shoot the Freak . Oh my god ! How genius is a guy in padding running around while being shot by idiots with a paint ball gun and a $ 20 bill ? Sadly , no one was playing while I was there , so I didn 't get to see the action . I did however , throw 25 cents into a fortune telling machine and got my fortune for the month of November . I 'm pretty sure these things would be 50 cents anywhere else , so how could I pass up that kind of deal ? The fortune was of course complete crap , but who buys those things for anything other than novelty ? Sadly The Cyclone was closed and I was not able to go on it . But it 's a registered historical mark , so it won 't be torn down with the rest of ConeLabels : Are you aware that the Guggenheim has pay - what - you - wish Friday Nights ? I was not ! How awesome is that ? I went down there with Ceora to see the exhibit : Louise Bourgeois . I had never heard of this woman , but her work is amazing . She 's been producing art for almost a century and the Guggenheim had her work set out in chronological order around the spiral . Ceora and I started from the top , the most recent , because the place was so crowded at the bottom . I would also rather start from the most current and work backwards when it comes to art because it seems so much more logical to me . You can get a sense of how the artist expresses herself now and then see what lead up to it . It just works out better in my head . Well this woman is amazing . I you happen to be in NY , you should probably make a point of checking her out . It 's sculptural , and sexual , and textural and you can tell she has an amazing sense of humor . The whole I was there I was picturing her making these pieces and chuckling to herself . They 're incredibly powerful . I couldn 't get over how heavy and grounded each piece looked , but they all also had a feeling of being so delicate and quiet . Anyway , if you can check it out , you should . It 's worth your time . I went back to the Metropolitan to see the Goya paintings . Love them , love them , love them ! They have more now than they had last time and they took that silly bowl of fruit painting out of the room , which was not a Goya and really didn 't go with what was in there . Now it 's only Goya in that gallery . I only wish I could see his black paintings and the Third of May again . Someday . While I was in there , staring , drooling , beside myself , some guy walked up and took a picture of these cats that are in the bottom corner of one of Goya 's portraits . Odd . No idea what that was all about , but the guard in that room and I had a silent giggle exchange . After about a million years in the room , I finally left . Don 't worry Goya , I 'll be back again ! Last night I got into a conversation with someone about how I had never been to Wall St , or seen that damn stock market bull sculpture . She told me that I really needed to get on that , because how could I say I was a native New Yorker , if I had never taken the time to see my own city ? Well it 's true , but I 've never had the time . I do now that I 'm not working at the moment . So off to Wall Street with me , with a trip to Battery Park , because I love that park . The southern tip on Manhattan has always been a favorite spot of mine . I love how much history is down there . Of course the Wall St . area was full of news vans . That area is hurting right now and the media is all over it . I didn 't actually see anyone reporting , and other than hoards of people walking around , the area was uneventful . I do love the historic buildings and streets though . I wandered around for a while because I didn 't know exactly where the bull was . Finally found it . It 's bigger than I thought . And there were tourists taking pictures grabbing its balls . Hm . Figures . After that I saw a few more memorials in Battery Park and went over to the world trade center . Not much to say . I have a hard time with the juxtaposition of tower wreckage and all the people rushing about like nothing happened . But what could I expect ? PeoplLabels : I spent five hours at the Metropolitan Museum of Art today . Wow . I didn 't even get to see everything I wanted to see , so I need to pop back in tomorrow for a bit . I 've never been able to see a great deal of what 's in there because I never get to go alone and see it all at my own pace . I 've been there many , many times , but always with other people , most whom don 't want to spend an hour in the arms and armor section . Clearly these people do not know what is good for them . The day started in true Krysta style . I had a bag of plantain chips in my bag as a snack for later , and a glass Snapple bottle that I use for water . The security guards at the front doors told me that I would have to finish my food outside and I could not bring glass into the museum . Not even if I planned to dump my bag into the bag check . I didn 't want to eat my food then , or throw away my water bottle , so I put the food in the front pocket , which no one ever checks ( a good thing , considering I usually have my knife in there ) , and then tried my luck with another security guard . Some people are just hard asses , and I was not about to throw away my food just because one security guard told me to . I picked one that was right in front of the bag check and he let me in without any problems , but told me to check my bag . Logic ? What ? In my five hours there I began to have a dilemma . First of all , I 'm not so sure it 's a good idea to keep works of art all crammed together in a museum . Its hard to appreciate each work as unique when it 's right next to another amazing and equally distracting piece of art . I also don 't think it reaches as many people of different backgrounds as it should . How many blue collar New Yorkers ever go to the Met ? Does a political painting mean the same thing when taken out of its home country ? I think maybe part of seeing the work is seeing the place it was painted in and for . Art in context , what a crazy idea ! Don 't get me wrong , I love being able to see so many of my favorite pieces of art in one place . I just wonder if the work woLabels : One of the things I checked out in DC was the Vietnam Memorial Wall . I 've been a little obsessed with this wall since college because I think it is an amazing design . The designer , Maya Ying Lin won an anonymous contest with her idea , while she was still in grad school , and fought to defend her design for years . Many veterans saw it as morbid , or a sign of shame , because it was black . Being there in person , I never got that feeling . It 's quite amazing . You can tell the wall was made for the living , in order to honor the dead because it is such an interactive experience . Seeing myself reflected behind the names , and being able to touch them , changes the idea of the traditional memorial . In most cases , you can not touch a piece of art , but this memorial encourages the visitor to do so . I admit that I am a bit fixated on memorials in general . I 'm not quite sure why I find them so powerful . I know that is what they are supposed to do , but I don 't know anyone who ever had cause to be given a memorial . I don 't know any of the names on the Vietnam Wall . I don 't know anyone who died in the Korean War ( another amazing memorial in DC ) , I don 't even know anyone who died in the current war . That doesn 't change the fact that these memorials affect me . Perhaps because I value life so much , seeing all those names up there , it didn 't matter that I was never connected to anyone up there , it 's still such a horrible waste of life . These memorials should serve as a reminder that there is a high price to war and we are still paying it , even as we fight this new one . But I guess the president doesn 't make many trips out to his own front lawn to remember any of this . This trip to Washington DC has been interesting . It 's my second time in this city but I still have no idea where I 'm going . However , I got to see the two things I really wanted to see and I managed to find a new artist to drool over . I went there to visit my friend Nick , who you may remember as the person who drove me out to Vermont . He came to visit once over the summer and somehow ended up leaving with my Ace Hardware shirt ( AKA the most awesome shirt IN THE WORLD and I know he stole it on purpose because he wishes he could wear it ) . Of course I had to get it back , and because he refused to send it to me , I had to go down there and get it . Not such a bad idea for someone looking for any excuse to bum around . The weekend started off by waking up late . I 'm not much of a sleeping in kind of person , but I enjoyed a slow morning . The only down side being that Nick does not keep food in his house , and I like to eat breakfast . Men . So we went out and had tapas for lunch . Yummy yummy tapas . With goat cheese . How could I decline goat cheese ? Nick will disagree with me here , but tomato and watermelon is a yummy combination . When ordering at a new place , I find it 's always best to trust the chef and not make substitutions except in the case of dietary needs . I am never disappointed . They wouldn 't put it on the menu if it wasn 't yummy . We then rolled on over to the portrait Gallery . I 'm not really into portraits of people who are long dead and I 've never heard of , but they had some other cool stuff there as well . There was an artist who does Hip - Hip portraits , which were amazing . And what you will need to do is check out Kehinde Wiley right away . The other person That needs checking out is Nam June Paik who I mistook for Bruce Nauman ( who I am madly in love with ) at first . I love this guy ! How amazing is a florescent map of the USA filled with TVs , each with different movies and images that represent the states ? ! ? ! ? AH ! We headed over to The Kennedy Center after that for their annual open house . We caught a step show , put on b0 A few days ago I went down to Moo Shoes with my friend Ceora . I was hoping to find some vegan boots for the winter and not have to pay shipping costs from buying them online . Sadly they didn 't have their full winter stock in yet , but they did have my favorite pair of shoes EVER . They are still over $ 200 , which I can not afford , so to stop myself from buying them , I bought these on sale . Because I needed new shoes . For the winter . In Vermont . Turns out the extra work I did for Keen in Dorset was enough to cover these shoes , so I feel ok about it . I only hope that Moo Shoes has winter boots in before I leave for Vermont . I don 't want to buy boots online . Sneakers I can do , but boots I need to try on . Oh Washington DC . A democratic city , home of a republican president , capitol of the nation , no representation . Funny place . I 'm here in Nick 's apartment , which is an interesting place to live indeed . He lives on the 4th floor of an upscale apartment building . As we came up the stairs I giggled at all the red doors with their straw doormats . All the same . Nick told me that the goal was to create apartments modeled after aLevittown . I grew up right near the original Levittown , so this information amused me . These apartments really do seem this way , especially after going inside . Nick 's Apartment is fully furnished , but looks like a hotel room . The carpet is super thick and there is almost nothing on the walls . Generic art hangs above beds and couches . No overhead lights , but there are a few lamps . I opened the fridge this morning out of curiosity and found it empty . The freezer is pretty much the same ; a few frozen dinners . However , there is a bottle of tequila in the freezer , so at least he 's got that covered . I can even tell where Nick and his roommate always sit on the couches because the cushions there are just sightly dirtier . Nick says he does not want to make the place more like a home because he hates it here and wants to leave . At least it doesn 't look like two single men live here . It mostly looks like no one lives here , so it 's clean . And open . And neither welcoming or unwelcoming . It 's probably time for me to get my ass out of the clean part of the couch and explore the area outside of Levittown apartments . Has anyone ever noticed how hotels that have the room entrances on the outside of the building are always nastier than the hotels with entrances on the inside , but that it 's the opposite when it comes to apartments ? Strange . It is time for the last installment of Dorset pictures . The summer has officially ended and I am back in New York , so I better wrap this up fast . This is one of my favorite pictures from the summer . Kevin , Slokes , Amanda and I decided to rive to Rutland to go to a porn shop . We had no real motivation for this , other than there was nothing else to do . We drove around for a while , got lost , and decided to ask someone if they knew where this store was . We found these two trashy looking girls at a gas station who were clearly high on something . It turned out that one of them worked at the shop and that it was right down the street but closed . As we walked away one of them yelled out " That boy was gayer than a two dollar bill ! " Slokes yelled back " It 's queerer ! " to which she replied , " Bitch you can 't afford me ! " Still not really clear on why that happened . Because the store was closed and we had driven all the way out there , we decided to go bowling instead . Cosmic bowling . Kevin killed us all , but it was a great time . We took many wonderful pictures . Never did get back to that shop , but my guess is that the bowling was more fun anyway . The ice cream social at Angie 's place . Lisa came to visit us and we dragged her out to Angie 's and ate ice cream and played with the dog and then tried to get Angie to play psychiatrist , but she wasn 't having it . Not sure if that was the best ice cream bar I have ever seen , or the most disgusting . Probably both . Farmers Market veggies ! Jess got a crazy HUGE zucchini , Amanda got a skinny eggplant and I got a small , but rather average looking eggplant . We grilled them outback . Or rather , I grilled them . And I should never be allowed to grill anything . I may or may not have hidden several dropped veggies under the grill . Oops . And that 's that . Dorset . Now I 'm killing time until I need to leave for DC , eating some beans and rice , which I put too much salt in . Hoping DC food will be better . Hoping I won 't feel so lost once I get out of NY . Being here is always so hard . I never want to leave , buLabels : Last night I went to see Hair in Central Park . But actually , the day started at 5am , so I 'll start from there . The Public Theatre does free shows in the park over the summer . The shows are staged in an outdoor arena at the Delacourte Theatre , which is next to The Great Lawn in the park . In order to get tickets you must go to the theatre the day of the show and wait in line . The box Office opens at 1pm , but for most shows you need to get there earlier . We planned to get there at 6am ( but actually made it by 7 ) , when the park officially opens . There are people who will camp out all night though . Because there is no way of telling how fast the tickets will go , and Hair is THE BEST SHOW EVER , I wanted to make sure I got myself some tickets . It turns out that it was a rainy day and very people showed up . Had we gotten there at noon we would have gotten tickets . But , the fact that we spent six hours waiting outside the box office that morning , two of them in the rain , proves just how hard core we are . Plus our seats were amazing . 4th row center . Not too close at all , as I worried they would be . The show was . . . how do I even start ? If I could see it ten more times I would be just as thrilled . It 's no secret how much I love Hair . I did do a full victory dance in the living room of Colony House when Amanda informed me that it had been extended and I would be in NY for that time . The set was made to look like a chunk of Central Park , that is , grass with worn patches . The band was towards the back in a bandstand with a psychedelic tie - dyed roof . And that 's it . Because the point of Hair was that the show took what was going on outside on the streets and brought it to the stage . So the actors , in true form , ran bout the theatre , climbing around in the audience and the walls of the theatre itself . The lights were amazing . I wish I could work one of these shows to really see how it works on a plot . The lights are so far from the stage . And it 's outside . And the sun is still kind of setting when the show starts . And ohmygod those l0 Five of my good friends have all moved into a three - floor brownstone in The Bronx and I came to New York with them to help them move in . The house is beautiful and spacious and full of character and New York quirk . Admittedly , it makes me question my decision to leave New York . Although I 'm not sorry that I left , part of me is sorry to not be coming back and trying again . I am looking forward to working on the farm in VT . It 's a step in the right direction towards accomplishing my goals and realizing my dreams of someday running my own farm . It 's bringing me closer to nature and giving me a chance to spend more time outdoors , something I missed living in New York . One of the hardest parts of living in the city , is not being able to lay in grass at night and watch the stars . I 'll be able to do that in VT . This all goes back to how torn I get over all of the places I have lived . I miss the desert mountains and sunsets . I miss the Vermont grass . I miss the excitement and art of New York . I miss the feeling of neighborhoods on Long Island . I miss the local foods of everywhere I have ever lived . Whenever I settle down I end up missing being a free agent and going where ever I want , whenever I want . When I don 't live anywhere , I miss having a place to call my own and walls to hang art on , bookcases full of books . One day I will find a place that is so wonderful it will make it worth giving up pieces of former landscapes and lifestyles . Today is the last day of Dorset . The summer is over and it 's time for the next adventure to start . I can not stress how relieved I am that I changed my mind about coming here . This summer has been one of the best summers of my life , topping even last year . I came here as a complete wreck and I am leaving in a much better place . I won 't lie , leaving scares me . I want to keep myself together though and I know that I 'm ready . It 's time to move on and leave my comfort zone . To help wrap up the summer , here are a few more pictures that I 've been failing to post . This is Lake St . Catherine . The costume intern 's family owns a cute cottage on the lake and we made a day of it over there boating around and dumping each others canoes . The general store next to our house sells a bumch of fancy wines , and also some pretty interesting cheap ones . Dibs ' favorite wine is Pinot Gregio and mine is Chianti and it just so happens that those are the two wines of this brand that the store sells . We made a night of it . Antiquing anyone ? Yeah . No explanation to be given . Four people in the back of a car to Bob 's Diner . It was raining and we all decided to " swim . " How amazing is that ? A day spent at the Quarry is not a day to miss . My only regret is that I never did end up jumping off the high cliffs , even though I wanted to , because the day we planned to go we ended up too busy and had no time . Ah well . Another time . |
Author 's Notes : This is just a quick little thing I wrote . This takes place in / after the episode of Supernatural that is about Bloody Mary . ( Did any one besides me think ' Oooh , Sam 's in trouble now ! ' when Dean pulled the car over in this episode ? Just me ? Well , now the rest of you will be thinking it too , if you see it on a re - run ! LOL ) Short overview of the show : Dean and Sam are brothers about four years apart with Dean being the older one . When Sam was about 6 months old their mother was killed by something supernatural , and their father , John , became obsessed with trying to find out what it was . They have spent most of their lives hunting supernatural beings with their father until Sam ( who never liked what they did ) went off to college . But their father went missing , and Dean came to Sam to help him find him . Sam is reluctant , but decides to help . He has a whole new life in college and a pretty girlfriend , Jessica , who seems nice . Then his girlfriend ends up being killed in the exact same way as their mother was , so Sam decides to leave college behind and go with Dean to both find their father , and to find Jessica 's killer . Short recap of the episode : Someone in a small town dies in an odd way . His eyes are basically liquefied . Sam and Dean read about the death in the paper and go to the town to investigate . They find out that one of the little kids who was in the house with the man who died that night had summoned Bloody Mary by saying her name in the mirror three times in a row . Soon a second person dies , and with the help of a girl named Charley , Sam and Dean find out how Mary is choosing her victims . If the person who says her name is hiding a secret that involved someone 's death then she will kill that person . If the person who says her name is innocent , she will find the closest person around who is hiding a secret to kill . They also think the way to kill her spirit is to smash the original mirror the human Mary was killed in front of . Next they find out this mirror has recently been sold to an art dealer in the town where the two people had just died . Then they find out their friend Charley is most likely the next victim , because someone beside her said Bloody Mary three times , and because Charley 's boyfriend killed himself one night after they had a fight . They leave Charley in a hotel room with no mirrors and no reflective surfacesKeeping Secrets Sam shrugged , " You know as well as I do spirits don 't exactly see shades of gray , Dean . Charley had a secret . Someone died . That 's good enough for Mary . " The car was quiet for a few minutes . Then Sam said , " You know I 've been thinking . It may not be good enough to just smash that mirror . " " Mary 's hard to pin down , she moves around from mirror to mirror . So who 's to say she 's not gonna just keep hiding in them forever . Maybe we should try to summon her to her mirror and then smash it . " Dean sounded skeptical , " Well how do you know that 's gonna work ? " Dean couldn 't take it . He shook his head and was obviously irritated when he said , " All right . You know what ? That 's it . " Dean pulled the car over , parked it , turned off the engine , and turned to his brother with a serious look . " This is about Jessica isn 't it ? You think that 's your dirty little secret . That you killed her somehow ? Sam this has got to stop man . The nightmares , and calling her name out in the middle of the night is gonna kill you . " He paused while watching Sam who wouldn 't make eye contact . Dean tried his best older brother voice and said , " Now you listen to me . It wasn 't your fault . If you want to blame someone , blame the thing that killed her . Or hell , why don 't you take a swing at me ? I 'm the one who dragged you away from her in the first place . " Sam looked away . " I could have warned her . " Dean lost his patients and yelled , " About what ? ! You didn 't know it was gonna happen ! " He calmed down slightly and continued , " Besides , this isn 't a secret . I know all about it . It won 't work with Mary anyway . " He waited a few seconds and then as if to reiterate what he had already decided he said , " I don 't like it . It 's not gonna happen . Forget it . " Sam gave Dean a pleading look and said , " Dean that girl back there is gonna die unless we do something about it , and who knows how many more people are gonna die . Now we 're doing this . You 've got to let me do this . Please . " Dean closed his eyes to the puppy dog look . He leaned back in his seat for a second and rested his head on the back of his chair . He didn 't like the idea at all , but it was what he and his brother did . They took risks with their lives every day . And this seemed important to Sam . He sighed and said , " Okay , but on one condition . " He started the car up . It was a quiet ride to the art dealers . Once they got there , Sam picked the lock . Neither one realized they had tripped a silent alarm . They went in search of the mirror . Sam found it first , and called Dean over . They both stood in front of the mirror with crowbars in their hands ready to smash it when Mary appeared . Dean said , " You sure man ? " As they were waiting for something to happen , Dean saw someone was driving up to the front . He said to Sam , " Smash anything that moves . I 'm gonna go check this out . " Dean peaked around the corner to see the front . He could tell it was police . He muttered , " Crap . " and put his crowbar down . He walked out the front with his hands up and a smile on his face . He spent the next few minutes trying to convince the police he was the son of the owner , and when that didn 't work , he just punched them both out . While Dean was busy with that , Sam was watching the mirrors around him . Suddenly Mary appeared in a mirror that was to his left . He smashed it with the crowbar . Then she appeared in the mirror that was to his right . He smashed it too , and said , " Come on , into this one . " He kept his eyes on the big mirror that used to belong to Mary . He glanced at his own reflection and thought something seemed odd . Then he realized his reflection didn 't have the same expression on his face that he had . He also realized his reflection didn 't move when he did . His reflection glared at him , and some blood started to trickle out of the reflection 's eye . Sam was immediately thrown into some serious pain . He dropped the crowbar , and blood started coming out of his eyes too . He dropped to his knees while watching his reflection . His reflection said with hatred , " It 's your fault ! You killed her . You killed Jessica . You never told her the truth about the person you used to be , but it 's more then that . Isn 't it ? Those nightmares you 've been having of her dying . Of her screaming . you had them for days before she died . idn 't you ! ou were so desperate to be normal . o desperate to believe that they were just dreams . ow could you ignore them like that ? ! ow could you leave her alone to die ? ou dreamt it would happen ! " Sam was choking and dying at the words that were killing him . Then Dean came from out of no where , and smashed the mirror . Dean couldn 't hear or see anything in the mirror , but he knew Mary was there just the same . As soon as the mirror was smashed , he knelt down in front of Sam and said with concern , " Sammy ? Sammy ! " Sam gave a not very convincing , " Yeah . " and Dean helped him up off the floor . He put Sam 's arm around his shoulders to help him walk to the car . Then Dean felt more then heard something behind him . He turned and saw the image of Mary climbing out of another mirror . She came towards both Dean and Sam . This time there was no talking of wrongdoing ; it was just revenge for smashing her mirror . As Dean and Sam both fell to the floor in pain , Dean saw another mirror beside him . He picked it up , and held it up so that Mary could see her own reflection . Suddenly the pain stopped for both Dean and Sam , and Mary 's reflection started talking to her , condemning her for the people she had killed . She soon shattered into hundreds of tiny mirror pieces . Sam and Dean stood again , and walked out to their car . The ride back to the hotel room where they had left Charley was quiet . They knocked on the door , and then went in . Charley was still sitting on the bed with her eyes closed , right where they had left her . As soon as she heard the door open she said , " Did it work ? " Sam nodded , and went into the bathroom . Dean sat on the bed next to Charley and said , " We got there , and Sam summoned her to her original mirror . Once she was there , we smashed it . Then she still came after us , so I let her see her own reflection . That did her in . Or at least we 're pretty sure it did . But I 'll stand with you while you look in the mirror as soon as Sam 's done . " Dean got up and held out a hand for Charley . She put her hand in his , and went with him into the bathroom . She took a tentative look in the mirror , and saw nothing except her own reflection . Dean got a new washcloth , and washed the blood off his face . Then he said , " Try to summon her . " Dean looked at his watch and said , " It 's almost one in the morning , and I 'm spent . I know Sam is too . You mind if we all just crash here until morning , and then we can take you home ? " She nodded , " I don 't think I 'd even make it to the car before I fell asleep . " He looked over to see Sam fast asleep on top of the bed already . Charley smiled and said , " I 'll take the couch . You can have the other side of the bed . " Dean nodded and looked in the hotel closet for any extra bedding . He found a blanket , and handed it to Charley . He gave her one of the pillows off the bed , and she went to make up a spot on the couch for herself . Dean took off his jacket , put it on top of Sam , and then climbed under the covers on his side of the bed . Three hours later Dean was startled awake when Sam called out , " Jessica ! " She turned to look at him . He said , " You shouldn 't feel guilty about your boyfriend . You couldn 't have known what he would do . It wasn 't your fault . Sometimes bad things just happen . " She smiled and nodded once before walking to her front door . Once she was in , Dean tapped Sam 's arm to get his attention . Sam looked over and Dean said pointedly , " That 's good advice . " Sam didn 't comment . Dean started up the car and headed out of town . A few minutes later Dean said , " Okay , now that it 's all over , I want you to tell me what that secret is . " Sam glared at him , but then did lean back . He stared out the window for a few seconds , and then abruptly sat up . There standing on the street was his Jessica . She was wearing a beautiful dress , and was smiling at him . He didn 't feel like he could breath . Then when a lamppost obstructed his view of her for a second , she disappeared . Sam shook his head slightly and thought he must be so tired that he was hallucinating while he was awake . Dean had noticed his brother 's movements and said , " What was it ? " " Riiiight . " Dean shook his head and said with determination , " I think we 'll talk now . I don 't think it 's good for you to keep this to yourself . You need to get it out so that both of us can get a decent nights sleep . " " I 'm not trying to be ! I 'm trying to help you and keep you safe ! I 've been doing that my whole life it 's nothing new . Who got you out of that haunted cave when you were eight ? Who pulled you out of the river when you were five and couldn 't swim ? Who shot the werewolf right before he bit you when you were fourteen ? Just because you 've been on your own for four years doesn 't mean that I can just switch gears and not care when I see you hurting . " Sam 's anger had drained as Dean was talking . He looked down and said , " Dean . . I m glad you care . R ally I am , but . I ust . I j st need to take care of this on my own . " ] lp Dean glared at the road and looked around for a place to pull over . They were just about out of the small town . They drove in silence for a little while , but Dean kept his eyes open . Five minutes later he saw a dirt road , and pulled off the main road . Sam noticed this and looked around . He said , " What are we doing ? " Dean didn 't have to go all that far to get away from the main road . Soon he couldn 't see anything but trees and nature around , so he pulled over . He stopped , cut the engine , put the keys in his pocket , and turned to look at Sam . " We aren 't going anywhere until you talk . " Sam slouched back in his seat and closed his eyes . Dean looked at his brother and wished for the hundredth time that his father were there . He wasn 't sure what their father would do about something like this , but he would have had some kind of answer . He missed his father more then he let on , and times like these made him feel inadequate . Dean sighed and thought , ' I guess it 's gonna get physical . He can 't keep it all bottled inside him , he 'll go off the deep end . But I can 't just haul off and punch him . ' That brought back memories of the only time he had punched Sam . He smacked Sam in the back of the head sometimes , and their Dad seemed to think that was okay as long as it was for a good reason , but punching was not acceptable . It had been when Dean was sixteen and Sam had been twelve . He didn 't even remember what they were arguing about . Something stupid , he was sure . He had punched Sam before even thinking about it . Dean had just stood there staring with disbelief at his brother who was on the floor crying . Two seconds later their father was there , comforting Sam , and asking what had happened . Sam got out , " He hit me ! ! ! " and Dean had felt both shame and fear at the look his father gave him . That night after Sam had gone to bed , Dean had been made to recount the whole incident to his father , and then he had gotten the last and worst spanking of his life . In fact it had been his only spanking as a teenager . The one before that had been when he was ten . But he didn 't really think his father had been wrong to do it . Not even at the time , because he had felt so bad about what he had done . Dean looked over at Sam . He knew the last time Sam had been spanked was when he was eleven . Dean closed his eyes for a second , not quite believing where this line of thinking was taking him . But he had to admit ; it would probably shock Sam into talking if nothing else . Dean had a fleeting wish that he had grown up to be taller then his brother instead of the other way around . He made up his mind and got out of the car . Sam noticed and cracked his eye open a slit to see what Dean was doing . Dean quickly walked around to the other side of the car , and opened Sam 's door . Sam gave his brother a glare . " I was trying to sleep . " Sam didn 't quite have the guts not to do it . He slowly got out of the car and said belligerently , " What are you gonna do ? Drive off and leave me here ? " Dean motioned for Sam to move forward a little , so he could shut the passenger side door . Sam rolled his eyes and moved . Dean shut the door , and walked to the front of the car on the passenger 's side . He motioned Sam forward and said , " Come here for a minute . " Sam thought this was ridiculous , but walked closer to Dean . As soon as Sam was standing beside the hood half way between the passenger door and the front of the car , Dean walked around him so that Dean was now standing by the passenger side door . He leaned his hands on the roof of the car and looked over to the wooded area a few feet away . He said , " I don 't think you have to tell me everything about your life . I don 't mind if you keep things from me . The only reason I want you to tell me about this is because it 's hurting you , and frankly it 's causing you to be off your game when we 're working . " Sam crossed his arms and looked off into the distance also . He said , " No it isn 't . You 're just overreacting to a few nightmares . " Dean knew he wasn 't going to be able to coax the answer out of his brother , so he moved fast . He kicked his brother 's feet out from under him with his right foot , and at the same time used his left arm to shove Sam 's back down towards the hood of the car . Sam reflexively put his hands out to catch himself , but his chest still landed on the hood of the car with a thump . Before he had time to react and get back up , Dean leaned on Sam 's back with the whole left side of his upper body . Sam struggled , but Dean kept kicking his feet out , and put enough pressure on his back to keep him in place . As Sam struggled he yelled out , " What the hell do you think you 're doing ? ! Let me up ! " Sam yelled with disbelief , " You 're spanking me ? ! Have you been possessed or something ? Or is this yet another lame attempt to pretend you 're Dad ? " Dean started spanking as fast and as hard as he could . Sam yelled , struggled , and called Dean all the names he could think of that used to get under his skin . After about twenty smacks the name - calling stopped , and Sam realized the pain was getting to the place where his pride was going to take a back seat . He was quiet for the next ten swats and then he said , " Dean ? " Dean shook his head , " Sorry Sam , but you 're bigger then me now . I don 't know if I could wrestle you back into place if you changed your mind . You 'll have to talk like this , and it better be good , because believe me when I tell you that you 'll run out of tolerance before I will . " Sam was so guilt ridden over the whole incident he thought Dean was walking away from him because he was disgusted . Sam slowly stood and unconsciously put his arms around himself for comfort . Some tears started down his face as he realized his older brother , who had always looked out for him and protected him , was so unhappy with his choices that he was walking away . Sam was unable to turn and face his brother , but he blurted out , " I know ! I know I should have done something , but I just wanted a normal life so bad ! I pushed the dreams aside . Pretended they were just dreams , when really I knew . I knew she was gonna die , and I did NOTHING . I killed her ! Jessica loved me ! She trusted me , and I betrayed her ! I knew what was going to happen , and I just ignored it ! " It took Dean a few seconds to wrap his head around what Sam was saying . He had never met a psychic who wasn 't pulling some kind of scam , but he knew his father believed there were real ones out there . He just found it difficult to accept that his brother was one of them . But once he took a look at Sam standing there crying and hugging himself , Dean did believe it . And once he believed it , everything fell into place for him . Dean understood why Sam couldn 't sleep . He walked over to Sam and pulled him into a hug . Sam quickly hugged him back , needing the reassurance that his brother didn 't hate him now . Dean said , " Oh , Sammy , I 'm so sorry . " Sam broke down and cried some more . Sam still felt guilt weighing him down , but he did feel better now that his brother both knew about it , and didn 't hate him for it . As Dean was holding onto Sam , he was thinking about how to make Sam feel better . A few minutes later Dean pulled back and put both his hands on Sam 's shoulders to get Sam to look at him . Sam wiped at his face and looked at his brother . Sam thought Dean looked intense , and was wondering if he had read the situation wrong . Maybe Dean was about to tell him goodbye . But instead Dean said , " How many dreams of yours have come true ? " Sam looked off into the distance and said , " Just this once as far as I know . But I get that sense of deja vu all the time . Like I know what will happen , because it 's happened before . " Sam closed his eyes and shook his head no . Dean wasn 't sure if it was the right thing to do or not , but he needed to help Sam get over some of his guilt , so he quickly turned Sam and shoved him back over the hood of the car . This time Sam didn 't even try to stop him . Dean gave him another twenty swats , and when it was over , Sam was crying and saying he was sorry , but not what he was sorry for . Dean stopped and said , " I don 't care if you don 't believe it , I want you to say , ' Jessica 's death was not my fault . ' " Sam was guilt ridden , excessively tired from lack of sleep , and in quite a bit of pain . He said , " Okay ! It wasn 't my God damn fault , even though it was ! " Dean shook his head and gave Sam ten more even harder smacks . Sam cried out , and when Dean stopped again Sam said , " Okay ! Okay ! It wasn 't my fault ! " Sam got up and couldn 't help himself from rubbing his butt for a few seconds to try and get the burning sensation to cool down . Dean remembered what Sam had said about him always seeing Sam as a kid , and thought Sam did look about ten . He smiled fondly at his brother , but Sam missed it as he was looking down . Dean pulled him into a hug again and Sam grabbed Dean in a death grip while crying . A few minutes later Dean said , " It 's gonna be okay . I swear . We 're gonna find the thing that did this to Jessica and Mom , and we 're gonna make it suffer and then we 're gonna make it disappear . As soon as we catch up with Dad , we can all put our respective knowledge together , and we 'll find it . Dad couldn 't do it before , because he was alone . But things will be different this time . You 've got us , and unfortunately for you , you 'll never be able to get rid of us . No matter what . " Sam mumbled , " 300 miles ? I don 't think I could even sit for ten . Why did you decide to spank me anyway ? Dad wouldn 't even do that . " Dean shrugged . " Dad might have , and at first I did it because you wouldn 't talk about the things that were bothering you . But later I did it because you 're full of guilt , and I thought it would help make some of it go away . " Sam looked at Dean for one more second , and then slowly walked over to the open door . He gave Dean a glare as he climbed into the back , and Dean was tempted to swat him , but refrained . A few minutes later they were back on the road . Five minutes after that , Sam was sound asleep . And Dean had been right . Sam slept for the next four hours straight , with no nightmares involved . Email Author ( Feedback makes me happy . ) |
Author 's Note : This is a big , big sucker . And when I say big , I 'm mean big . I 've divided it up into sections , just because it 's 182 computer pages ( give or take ) long , and that 's too long for one sitting . For most people . You maybe different . If you are , good for you . Yeah . So . It 's in sections , and trust me , you 'll thank me for that . Oh , and as always , this story may have come in contact with peanuts . Dedicated to Bento and Johinsa , for being the best darn beta readers ever , and to everybody in the MK Fanfiction Club . You know who you are . There , I 'm done . And now on with : His agent sighed . " For one , you 're not very reliable . You tend to disappear without warning , notice or anything else , and then show up days or even weeks later and refuse to give explanations ! " " Exactly . They 're just stupid rumours , but nobody in production knows that . So they 're using them as an excuse . " The agent sighed , and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket . " Man , it 's getting hot out , today . " Johnny said nothing , but sat very quietly and still , thinking of flames . Large flames that leapt about in front of his eyes . He wished he could show who ever started that ridiculous rumour what Johnny Cage was really made of . " Come - back ? " Johnny inquired , his voice low . The agent rubbed his eyes . He thought he could see heat waves around the star 's body . It wasn 't that hot out . . . " You haven 't worked in a long time , too long , " the agent finished , shaking his head . " You need to go out and show that you 're still the actor you always were . You need to show that nothing 's changed . " " There 's a couple of scripts I 'd like you to check out . Nothing fancy , mind you ; but good steady stuff , to get you back on your feet . If you can manage to stay put , for once . " The agent handed a stack to Johnny . Notes were written on the top page . The actor stared at them . Johnny leapt to his feet , and it took all of his control not to burn the agent to a crisp where he sat . " I . . . do not . . . play . . . villains . You know that . The studios know that . Everybody knows that . " Johnny rested his palms on the faux wood desktop of his agent , and tiny wisps of smoke curled around his fingers . His agent stared , and rubbed his eyes again . " I do not play villains . End of story . " He turned , grabbed his jacket , and stormed out of the office , slamming the door behind him . His agent sighed with relief - - why was he so frightened ? He didn 't know - - and gasped when he saw the two perfect scorch marks in the shape of Johnny 's hands . Johnny tried to take deep calming breaths . He felt like a volcano about to blow . Like Krakatoa or Mount St . Helen 's . Any second now he was going to lose it , completely . It had been barely a month since he had become the God of Fire , taking over from Nova , in the final battle against Lightning . Sonya Blade , one of his closest friends , was made a Goddess ; she was given the dominion of Space . Both had sworn to keep their powers a secret . At the time , Johnny had thought it would be an easy vow ; all he had to do was go back to his regular life , and deal the same way he always had . What he didn 't expect was how the powers constantly simmered under the surface . They were a secret that screamed , constantly , to be told . He was boiling under the pressure . He felt as though he was wearing two thick wool sweaters in the middle of a heat wave . He looked around him . He was in the halls outside his agent 's office . Down a few steps was a the lobby ; there was only one half - awake receptionist . It was at least an hour drive home , possibly more , in the traffic . He couldn 't last that long . He couldn 't . He was home . His house was the same as he 'd left it , before he went to China , before Lightning showed up and wrecked everything . And yet something about the comfortable bungalow seemed different ; it was smaller , for one thing . The air was always stuffy , no matter how many windows were open . It was hard to breath , and it was very , very warm . " I can 't stay here , either , " he muttered , pacing in his own hallway , awards and famous pictures lining the walls on either side of him . For a second , he imagined the walls closing in on him , trapping him forever . He had to get out . He stopped . His fists were clenched at his sides . " Calm down , Cage , " he muttered . " You 're letting it go to your head . Calm down . " Flight ? He didn 't need a flight . He could go anywhere he wanted , in the blink of an eye . He closed his eyes . He wanted to go . . . home ? He was home . Something in the back of his mind informed him that this house was not home . Home was somewhere far away , where he didn 't have to worry about his powers , where he could relax . I want to go there . . . He opened his eyes . The cool breeze wafted gently over him , and he could feel the anxiety flowing away as he stared out over the white sandy beach to the clear blue ocean horizon . He took a deep breath . The air was clean and scented with plants and flowers . He turned to see a lush jungle behind him . There was a sudden splashing a few meters out to sea , and a head poked itself up out of the water . Johnny stood up , startled . The head wasn 't human ; it was human shaped , but it was tinted blue , with dark green hair , woven with seaweeds and bits of coral . " By the Creator ! " the voice exclaimed . " You are our new Lord ! " " Where am I ? Who are you ? And why do you keep calling me Lord ? " Johnny asked , coming to the water 's edge . " My name is Johnny Cage . I 'm from Earth . " " You are the Lord of Maresium , " the person replied . " You are the God of Fire , and ruler of this Realm . We have been wondering where you were , why you did not come to meet us . " There was a sob in its voice . " When the good Lady Hiko died , we did not know what would become of us . " " Maresium , " Johnny muttered . Memories were surfacing . He 'd once met some Maresians , when he was in Agri , Lindara 's Realm , fighting with her mortals . The Maresians had been like him , though , although stockier and slightly greenish tinged . Nothing at all like the half - fish swimming in front of him . " This is Maresium ? " Rayden , Lord of Thunder , stood out in the grass , looking at the stars . The night skies were lit up with his handiwork , an entire universe of twinkling lights , and now , with satellites , planes - - all sorts of human - made contraptions . At any other time he would have felt proud . Liu Kang , a mortal , from Earth . He was one of the god 's closest friends , ever since the last Mortal Kombat tournament . He had helped Rayden defeat his brother , Shao Khan . Nova , a goddess only recently revealed as Rayden 's own daughter . She 'd grown up without him , and he 'd been like an uncle to her . Not even an uncle . Someone who visited occasionally , a friend of the family . Hiko was the Goddess of Fire , a spectacular Immortal that Rayden had nearly married , before fate and his father stepped in . She 'd married Cosmos out of desperation , and for years kept the secret of Nova 's parentage . She had died trying to tell him . He saw a plane moving by , in the distance , a set of lights that moved steadily across the horizon . He had once wanted mortals , in the place of a real family , but as time wore on , fewer and fewer became aware of his existence until he was only known as scattered myths across the globe . He thought he liked it that way . Thought it made it better for the mortals themselves . After all , how could they leap forward , figure everything out for themselves , if they kept believing that it was simply a god ' making it so ' ? Penny for your thoughts . What would I tell you now , Hiko ? he thought to himself , losing his focus in the marvellous view . That I miss you ? That doesn 't sound right . It doesn 't do anybody any justice . I don 't know what to say . " Then don 't say anything at all , " she replied , over his shoulder . He whirled , startled . He opened his mouth and closed it , several times . She laughed . He took a step towards her . " Hiko , " he murmured , his voice dry . As he got closer , he realised she was spectral , like a shadow ; he could see through her . He stopped , confused thoroughly . The door opened suddenly , and a woman stepped out . It was a second before he could see her face clearly , but he knew who she was instantly . Her hair gave her away . " I couldn 't sleep either . Just lay awake thinking so I decided to come out here and think , " he answered . " Thought I needed some air . " " I just woke up , I guess I had a bad dream , " Meimei told him . " I thought that for some reason you might be up , so I came to see . " She put an arm around his waist and gave him a hug . " You okay ? " She shook her head as they headed back indoors . " We 're supposed to be helping you , " she whispered , her voice low to keep from waking anybody else up . " Not the other way around . " " They act like it . " Rayden took off his outer robe , and hung it on a peg next to his straw hat . He rubbed a hand through his hair . " Meimei . . . oh , never mind . " " What ? " she asked , taking a chair at the table . He shook his head at her , to drop the subject . But she persisted . " What 's the matter ? You can tell me . It 'll go no further . " " What ? What are you talking about ? Ghosts are something mortals believe in . You 're - - " She paled , and her mouth dropped . " You don 't mean - - spirits of deities , do you ? You know that 's impossible ! " Meimei paused , deep in thought . " No , I don 't , " she said firmly . " I don 't know about mortals , but I do know that deities rejoin the Creator when they die . There 's nothing left behind . " He turned back to the counter top . It was too awkward a silence ; he had to break it . " One egg or two ? " he asked , innocently . Sonya Blade peeked out from behind the crates . She leaned back , resting her back against the warehouse wall . She picked up her walkie - talkie . " Jax . Come in , Jax . " " I 've got five . That only leaves two . Any ideas ? " Sonya peeked again around the crates . " Hold it . I see someone else . " There were a group of men out on the pier , in a huddle , discussing something of great importance when a car drove up . It was the car of a rich , powerful and clearly out of place person : for one thing it was clean , and that was definitely suspicious out here on the waterfront . Someone got out . A man , well - dressed in a dark suit and tie , carrying a briefcase . She leapt out of her hiding spot , gun raised . " Freeze ! " she yelled , as loudly as she could . Off in the distance , she could hear her partner yelling as well . The men bolted , startled , with the exception of the newcomer . He glared at her , then dove back for the car . His brief - case was left on the pier . Sonya knew Jax would take care of the pier goons ; she went for the guy in the car . A few shots took out the tires ; the car was stopped . She strolled up , ready to arrest him , and flung open the door . The car was empty . Jax came towards her , coming from behind one of the warehouses . Startled , she pulled her gun at him , but lowered it within a split second . " They 're gone , " he called at her , breathless . I had them cornered , I turned my back , and then poof ! Vanished . " " I hate magic , I really do . " Sonya holstered her gun , and started off towards the pier . " I wonder what they were trading . " The briefcase , when she reached it , was unlocked . It clicked open , revealing nothing but air . " Empty . I wonder how he was going to explain that to his dealers . " " If he can disappear at will , why does he need thugs in the first place ? " Sonya sat back on her heels , deep in thought . " It 's been my experience that the more powerful a person is , the more reluctant they are to go through someone else . " Jax didn 't know what to say , so he refrained from saying anything at all . Sonya stood back up . She dusted her hands off . " I have a funny feeling , " she remarked , suddenly , looking up . " If Johnny were here , he 'd say my spider sense is going nuts , " Sonya replied , drawing her gun . " I trust your instincts , " Jax said simply , drawing his own gun . " Where ? " " Back at the car , " Sonya replied , narrowing her eyes . Sure enough , the car spluttered to life , trying to drive off with four ruined tires . The two instantly gave chase . The car screeched to a halt , then started backing up . It was coming right for them . They split up , and the car swerved , aiming directly for Jax , who had his back to the wall of the warehouse . He started running , trying to get to the alley where he 'd have room , but he wouldn 't have enough time . The car was going to hit him . Directly in its way , the air rippled and shimmered . The car crashed , as though it had struck a wall , and crumpled on impact . Someone stumbled out , dazed , before the car burst into flames . " I know that - - why 'd you kill him ? We need him for questioning ! " Jax exclaimed . She glared and poked at the body with the toe of her boot . " He 's still alive . A concussion and some burns , as well as whiplash , but he 'll recover , " she replied calmly , staring down at him . " He 's human . " She glared at him again . " He could have been from another Realm . But he 's not . He 's human , and he 's got magic powers . Illusionary ones . Made it seem as though he wasn 't in the car , when he was . " " It would . Now all we have to do is figure out what he was intending to buy , and if it 's connected with Shao Khan , like we think . " Sonya pulled out a set of handcuffs from her belt . She knelt down , and did the man 's hands . " I don 't think this guy had a choice , " Sonya murmured . " Let 's get back , write up the reports . There 's nothing else to do today . " Back in the office , Sonya sighed , and saved her report while it was printing out . " There , " she said to Jax , who was sitting farther over , at his own desk . " All I have to do is fax it , and we 're done for the night . " " I 'm not so sure , " Jax replied . He was sitting on the edge of the desk , out of uniform , sipping from a mug of coffee . " What if they try again tonight ? " " Not really . But that 's not the point . You said you were going to keep them under wraps , and instead you 're trotting them out every thirty seconds . " He took a sip from his mug . " And causing cars to blow up , and teleporting , and all the other stuff you 've been doing , is not very low profile . " " I know , " she replied , angry ; not with him but with herself . She took her hair out of its high ponytail and ran her hands through it . " But 's not that easy . If you 've trained for a life - time in the martial arts , how can you not use the same battle sense ? The same reactions , the same training ? " " You 're right . It 's not the same thing at all . " She sighed , shaking her head . " I can 't even begin to explain it . But these past few weeks , it 's like I 've gained senses I never knew I had . As though I 've been deaf all my life , but suddenly I can hear . Or see . Or touch or taste . It 's like I 've been in a coma , and now I 'm awake . Don 't you see ? It 's like asking someone to sleep for the rest of their lives when they 've only just woken up . " She rubbed her eyes , tiredly . " I was a fool to even think I could hide them . I must have been insane . " " I should 've , " she said firmly , reacting negatively to the sympathy in his voice . " And , anyway , I shouldn 't be so public with the powers , anyway . You 're right . " He didn 't say anything , but took another slow sip . " It 's been a hard day , " he said at last . " Maybe all we need is a hot shower and a good night 's sleep . " He wandered off towards his room , leaving Sonya alone in the office . Using a touch of telekinesis , she turned off the lights . She sat quietly in the darkened room , moonlight streaming in one of the windows , and let her mind wander . Almost instantly , she could feel Rayden . He was the Lord of the Realm ; he was the most powerful deity in it , so he was the first thing she could feel . Then she noticed his mother , and sisters . And then Johnny . There was a sudden beep , that startled her , and then a fax came through the machine . She was tempted to turn on some of the lights , but found she could read just as easily in the dark . Will the surprises never end . An artifact had been recovered . It was a knife , made of a material not found on Earth . They were baffled , but thought Sonya might be able to figure it out . They were right . She knew instantly about the weapon the moment she saw its picture , sent through the fax . She had seen it before . In Outworld . She muttered a few chinese curses under her breath learned from Liu , and got up from her chair . Jax was probably asleep by now . That wouldn 't do . Jax ! It only took him about thirty seconds before he flew into the office , wide - awake . " What ? What 's the matter ? Sonya ? Why are all the lights off ? " " Sorry , " she admitted quickly , before pressing on . " This is Shao Khan 's knife . It was made in Outworld , which means that any number of magic abilities could be attached to it . This is what our guys are after . " She sighed and took the paper back , starting to pace . " We 've got to make sure it doesn 't fall in to the wrong hands , " she said . " In the possession of someone with powers like Shang Tsung , anything could happen . " Meimei was walking down the hallway inside the Temple briskly , when she felt a strange presence behind her . She turned , but the corridor was empty . " Rayden ? " she called out , confused . She had very limited mind - reading abilities , since she had no powers to speak of . The air started to shimmer , and ripple , and then someone seemed to step sideways out of nowhere . It was a tall , thin man , dressed in shimmering green and black . He carried a long staff , and a cape swished around his ankles . He took a step towards her , and something in his eyes unnerved her . They were a strange shade of green to begin with , but she could almost see something in the pupils , a reflection , a spark . She wasn 't sure . Meimei started to back away slowly , wanting to put as much distance between herself and the visitor , but he grabbed her by the arm . " Guardian ! " she cried , genuinely frightened , " Let go of me ! " Rayden sighed . Meimei had backed up to put as much distance between herself and the Guardian , and that included putting Rayden in the middle . He turned to her . " Where 's Mother ? " he asked . " You need to come with me , " the Guardian said quickly . " I can 't tell you - - I need to show you , for you to really understand . " Rayden paused for a moment , taking his bearings of the young man ; finally he made up his mind and nodded . " Look in his eyes , " she whispered , urgently . The god did so , seeing nothing but concern in the odd green eyes . He turned back to his sister , confused . " It 's okay , " Rayden put an hand on her shoulder . " I 'll be back in a few hours , I assume , and I 'll fill you in . Don 't let Mother worry about me . " It was a forest , an ancient woodland , with trees so high their tops were out of view . Puddles were scattered underneath the immense conifers . The forest stretched out infinitely in all directions . But it was not the scenery that felt so wrong . It was sudden emptiness , a sudden lack of contact with anything around him that caused Rayden to feel a wave of panic and a surge of anxiety . He willed himself to calm down . There was no reason for such a strong reaction to such an obviously peaceful place . Jikan Tai was breathing with an air of contentment , as though he had been cooped up in a tiny , stuffy room . " Ah , " he said , gesturing wide . " It truly lets you feel alive . " Rayden didn 't feel truly alive . He felt very small , and very weak . He realised that he couldn 't sense anything around him ; he was mentally blind . The mortal seemed to become aware of the god 's discomfort . " Rayden ? " he asked , setting his staff down , leaning it against the trunk of a tree . " Are you okay ? You look . . . pale . " " Nowhere , " the Guardian replied , with a slight smile . He was unclipping his cape from his shoulders . " In order for a place to be somewhere , there must be somewhere elsefor it to be in relation to . " Rayden stared at him , uncomprehending . Jikan Tai spread his cape on the cool , long grass , and sat down . Rayden sat down as well , feeling some of the blood returning to his head . " Don 't worry about it , " the mortal added , finally . " It 's not important . " " Not important ? " The god rubbed his eyes . " Jikan Tai - - I have never felt this cut off from everything ever before . Something is wrong . I can 't sense anything . " " I know . That 's because nothing else exists , " Jikan Tai replied casually . " It 's hard to explain , and it 's taken most of my life to truly grasp it - - but this place is everywhere and nowhere simultaneously . " The Guardian sighed in frustration , and flipped his hand through his bangs . " I didn 't come here to debate philosophy with you . I came to tell you my plan . " " Your plan . " Now that Rayden was sitting down , he didn 't feel as out - of - sorts as before . He still couldn 't sense anyone else but Jikan Tai , and he still felt cut off , but the sense of panic was beginning to recede . " The future . . . the past - - at what point does which become which ? When does the present become the past , or become the future ? " The Guardian gestured with one gloved hand towards the trees . " They are the answer , Rayden . Under each tree lies a pool , and each pool reveals more answers . I figured it out . " " Figured what out ? " Rayden was becoming irritated . Jikan Tai was normally a sensibly , very grounded person , who spoke in carefully measured sentences , not rambling incoherently like this . " They never change . One is the other is the other ; they are all the same . " The mortal smiled , a slight smile of one who has seen the light . " And if they are all the same , then they can easily be affected . Changed . " " The future is very easy to change , since it hasn 't happened yet . " Jikan Tai trailed off , and again the God of Thunder nodded . " But . . . if they are the same , then they must both be subject to change . Correct ? " " You 've lost me again . " Rayden shook his head . " Jikan Tai , I know you 're exposed to much more knowledge about time than I will ever know , but you 're not making any sense . I wish you could just get to the point , instead of talking in circles . " He shivered . Something was making him uneasy , and he wanted to go back to the Temple . " Hiko is dead , " Jikan Tai said suddenly . That caused the god 's head to whip up . He stared at the mortal , but the Guardian was gazing off into the distance , beyond where the trees were gradually obscured by a thick mist . " Nova is dead . Liu Kang is dead . Because of me . " " What has that got to do with anything ! " Rayden exploded , getting to his feet . " You 've dragged me out here , wherever here is , to ramble on about vague points of time , and remind me that three of the people I care about the most are dead , and wallow in guilt . I want you to tell me what ever you had to tell me , and then let me go back to the Temple . " An odd change came over Jikan Tai . It was as though a shadow , a curtain fell over his face ; his expression did not change , but something covered over any emotion he showed . If the eyes are the window of the soul , then the curtains were drawn . " I am sorry , Lord Rayden . I have been on my own for a long period of time , now . I am not used to explaining my thoughts to anyone else . " " I can bring them back , " he said , finally , his hands held behind his back . He looked as though he was simply studying the landscape . " I figured out how to . " This caused Rayden a touch of shock . " Jikan Tai - - do you know what you 're saying ? That 's . . . you would have to change the entire flow of history for the entire Omniverse . Not just Earth . For everyone . " Rayden took a deep calming breath . What the Guardian was talking about was ludicrous . It was completely out of the question . And yet , to be able to see Hiko again - - to never have lost her in the first place - - caused a pang of grief so sharp it cut through to his soul . Jikan Tai held out a hand , and the staff suddenly appeared in it , its red gem glowing with an internal light . " I am prepared to make the ultimate sacrifice , Rayden . I will do it , for Nova , and Hiko . " Jikan Tai held up his staff , and there was burst of red light before a vision appeared before them , in the air . Rayden recognised it immediately , and wished he hadn 't . It was Hiko , and himself , and the Guardian , gathered around Nova , trying to revive her while she lay dying . They did revive her - - the cost being Hiko 's life . The vision lacked sound , but the god knew exactly what they were saying . " This is the point where everything becomes inevitable ! " Jikan Tai roared . " This is where everything is set in stone ! Here ! This moment ! When Hiko makes the transfer , she sets all the events in motion . All we have to do is change that one moment in time , Rayden . All we have to do is fix that one mistake , and then everything will change . For the better . " There was a glint in the mortal 's eyes , and Meimei 's warning came back to him . Rayden stared at the Guardian , fearing for his sanity . He started to back away . " Jikan Tai , you 're not thinking straight . You need to calm down , and think about what you 're saying . " Sonya Blade watched him out of the corner of her eye . He was making his way through the crowd to her . She smiled slightly , and made herself a little more comfortable up on the high bar stool . He was almost four feet away when he came to a dead stop , and started looking around him . Curious , she followed his gaze to one of the men sitting at the tables on the edge the dance floor . It was Jax . Swearing in her head , Sonya tried to remain composed and detached . She had to act as though she wasn 't Jax 's partner . Finally , her prospect decided that Jax had nothing to do with Sonya , and started forward again . " Miss Blade ? " he asked , in a thick , Chinese accent . She nodded . " I have an envelope for you . From our . . . friend . " He withdrew it from his jacket . It had a single word - - Blade - - scrawled across the front . He handed it to her , and then left , making his way through the crowd . " You scream " back - up " just sitting down , " she retorted , flipping the letter over and opening the back - flap . She drew out a single page , covered in chinese characters written in a heavy hand . " Dammit . Can you read Chinese ? " " Nothing . I . . . I just thought for a second about asking Liu to read this for us . Never mind . It 's not important . " Sonya stuffed the envelope in the dress bag that she was carrying . " We should get going . " " We could fax it back to HQ . Wang can read Chinese , can 't he ? " Jax asked , as they hurried out into the night air . They turned the corner and again Sonya felt something in the back of her mind . But this was a different feeling , and a familiar one . There was somebody very hostile behind her . As she walked around the corner , she pulled Jax to the side and against the wall . " No , but that 's not going to stop me , " she reminded him . Now they could hear footsteps , sounding on the asphalt . She checked around her . The side street was deserted , so she grabbed Jax 's hand and teleported them away . The two hired guns turned the corner , but the sidestreet was completely empty . " Where 'd they go ? " the first asked . " They weren 't that far ahead . " Someone , a woman , yelled something in English at them . They both turned , to find that the Americans were behind them - - how did they manage that ? - - and the man had his gun drawn . The woman snapped something else at them , but not knowing any English beyond a few meaningless slogans , they could only shake their heads . They recognised what the man told them , however . He gestured with his gun and they raised their hands . The two men watched as the Americans bickered with each other . The one holding the gun was keeping an eye on them , so they couldn 't try to escape . Finally , the woman shut up and closed her eyes . " It 's a pain in the ass , " the other agreed . Nothing seemed to be happening ; the woman was just standing there , her eyes closed . Suddenly she gasped and fell to her feet . In an instant , her partner jumped to catch her . The hired men exchanged glances ; they ran , each in a different direction . " Sonya ! " Jax exclaimed , holding her up . The two goons ran off , separately . It would be impossible to find out what they wanted . But that 's not what Jax was thinking about . " Sonya ! What happened ? " " Rayden ? " Sonya whispered , her eyes wide , as she started to sit up . " Rayden . . . something 's happened to Rayden . . . I was trying to . . . " " I 've gathered that already , " Jax muttered . He pulled her up , and let her lean on him . " Come on , let 's get you home . " " We 'll figure it out after we get home . Don 't worry about it . He 's a big god , he can take care of himself . " Jax shifted Sonya around to support her weight . She was disoriented and her knees were loose . Her partner wondered if he would have to carry her . But after a few moments , she seemed to pull herself together and they started back . There was a storm building overhead . Jax had heard the weather reports on the English - language news , it was supposed to be clear for the rest of the week . He knew that weather reports were almost always wrong , but something told him that this wasn 't a normal storm . Call it instinct . Sonya was half - conscious ; she seemed to be weaving in and out . Jax gave up trying to drag her back to their base ; he decided just to shell out for the cab . Inside the taxi , she seemed to calm down slightly but she kept rambling about Rayden and something that happened to him . Jax paid the driver - - and no doubt overtipped him , he was in no mood to count change - - and pulled Sonya out onto the street . By this time she was completely incomprehensible . He got her up the stairs and into the set of flats that was their base . No sooner than they were up the first flight of stairs did she faint , completely , and he resorted to carrying her . Getting in the apartment was a hassle , and he finally sighed with relief when he dumped her in the bed . She was out cold . While Jax and Sonya were stationed in Hong Kong , the HQ was back in the States , far out of the reach of any danger . It bothered Jax , but there was nothing he could do about it , and being a good soldier , he didn 't complain . He crumpled the fax up and tossed it into the waste paper basket . " I don 't matter . We have to get to the Temple , something 's happened to Rayden . " Sonya grabbed him by the wrist and he realised at once that she meant to teleport him . " Hold it , " he snapped , breaking free of her grip . " We 've just got a fax from HQ . The knife 's gone ; their contact - - what 's his name - - got killed . Something big is going down , and we can 't run off like that . " Sonya paused , considering . " The knife was Shao Khan 's , " she said . " Rayden might be able to tell us about it . But first , we have to help him . " " Nothing , " Sonya replied , simply , looking at him . There was something in her eyes that he couldn 't recognise . " I was in contact with him for only a brief second , and then there was a shock , and then nothing . " She shivered . Jax stared at her . " You really think it 's important ? " he asked , quietly . She nodded . He held out his hand . " Then let 's go . " Sonya and Jax ran quickly to the main door , shaking off as much water as they could . A young monk was standing sentry at the door . He leapt to his feet and chattered at them in Chinese . Before either of them could react , another monk , far older than the sentry and very familiar looking , came running . " Sonya ! " the monk exclaimed . " And . . . Jax ? " " You have come because of Rayden ? " the monk continued , looking worried . " We are all praying for him . Something terrible has happened , but we don 't know what . " The monk gestured to the heavy rain . " It was very bright and sunny not more than twenty minutes ago , " Liu 's Grandfather continued . " And then this - - as well , we have seen one of the Goddesses . " The old monk bowed his head . " When Lord Rayden has visitors , we do not pry . But there are Goddesses living in the Temple , now , as well as small demons . We rarely see them , but they are there . One of the brothers saw a strange woman faint , while he was gardening . She simply appeared , fainted , and then disappeared . That is when the storm started . " He looked up at them . " I am sorry to keep you like this . You must come inside , we will dry you , and - - " The monk bowed again . " This way . " He mumbled something to the sentry , who bowed again . Liu 's Grandfather shuffled inside , and they followed him . He led them through a long tunnel that led to the courtyard . He pointed at the far wall , where there was simple wooden door . " That is the way to Lord Rayden 's . " " Hey , it 's got no doorknob or latch , " Jax exclaimed . He looked up , blinking through the raindrops . " And this looks a little small to be the place I remember . " They were met at the door by a small person . " Hello , " Jax said slowly , not sure what to make of the small , vaguely - chinese looking child . " Do you speak English ? " " Now we 're getting somewhere , " Jax began again when another small child appeared from around the corner . He was identical to the other . " Oh , no . Twins . " " Meimei , " the boys replied . Sonya and Jax exchanged looks ; they had no idea who that was . Yueh looked up at Sonya solemnly . " You 're here to see Uncle Rayden . " " With Mama and Grandma , " Jih told her . " We can show you . " He started off , walking a few steps and then turning to see if they were following him . When he saw they weren 't , he gestured impatiently . It was a small wooden door , not unlike the others of the Temple . Sonya felt a sudden hesitation in entering . True , she had visited Rayden 's section of the Temple many times , but she had never gone to his room before . " For godsakes , " Jax snapped , when she hesitated . " I don 't think he 's going to mind . " He stepped in front of her and pushed the door open . Jih and Yueh darted around him , running in first . Sonya looked around her . This room carried the scent of incense , and it was decorated with pictures , from many different cultures and time - periods . Rayden himself lay sleeping , or unconscious , in his bed in the center of the room . " Mama ! " the boys both cried , dashing to one of the seated figures . There was three goddesses , sitting on chairs in the room . One Sonya recognised as Lindara , Goddess of Plants . She was sitting next to the headboard , pressing a cold cloth to Rayden 's forehead . She looked up when she saw the mortal , but didn 't say anything . The one that the boys ran to was sitting across from Lindara , looking woozy . She was very pale , almost green from sickness and had long white hair that was put up in a messy bun . She was being supported by the third goddess , an older deity dressed in a misty white dress , with green ribbons entwined in her still - black hair . The elder stood , looking at Sonya and Jax imperiously . " I 'm Sonya Blade , " the former - mortal said , suppressing the urge to announce her rank . " This is my partner , Jax . " " I am Suyuan , Goddess of Winds , " the deity replied solemnly . Sonya immediately chided herself ; she should have announced her power . Oh well , too late now . " I heard him yell , " the second goddess murmured . The way the boys hovered around , the two visitors took her to be Meimei . " I was watching one of the monks , and then I heard Rayden , and I fainted . Mother brought me in . " " That 's what happened to me , " Sonya told them . At once Suyuan got to her feet , after making sure that Meimei could support herself . She strode over and touched Sonya 's forehead . Almost at once Sonya could feel the goddess reaching out towards her , in her mind . " You 've got quite strong mental powers , " Suyuan said , drawing her hand away . " I can understand why you heard him . I do not understand why Meimei did . " " I did ; and so did Lin , but Meimei and Sonya were the only ones who reacted the way they did . " Suyuan took her place back by her son 's side . " I wish we knew what happened . I can 't reach him , at all . " Sonya stood at the foot of the bed . Rayden was barely moving . Even his eyes weren 't shifting back and forth . She reached out and touched his foot , but drew her hand away slowly when he failed to respond . " Whatever it was , it scared the hell out of me , and I was getting it second hand . " " Hold it . " Jax had been keeping out of the conversation , but at last there was a topic that he knew about . " Jikan Tai wouldn 't hurt Rayden . " " Well then , who did ? " Meimei began fiercely when her mother touched her elbow , gently . " Calm down , dear . We 'll find out what happened , and who ever is responsible . " Suyuan sighed , and rubbed her eyes tiredly . Yueh climbed up onto her lap and she cuddled him . " Boys , " Meimei said sharply , " I want you to go wait outside in the hall . And don 't bother the monks . Do you hear me ? " " That 's probably not necessary , and anyway Tai Hou would have more problems with them in the way than we would . " Suyuan got to her feet and started pacing . " The first place we must check is with Jikan Tai . " " No , he could be out of the Omniverse by now , " Jax corrected . " Or out of the timestream . Or even back in time . He could be anywhere . " " I 'm saying that chances are whatever got Rayden got him too . He may be unable to contact us . " Sonya paused , deep in thought . She turned to Jax . " Where do you think he might have taken Rayden ? You know his powers the best , out of all of us . " Jax nodded . For a while , Jax had shared the Guardian 's powers , and learned more about the nature of Time than he had ever wanted to . But he didn 't learn a great deal about the Guardian himself . " I think . . . well , I 'm pretty sure he mustn 't have taken Rayden back in time ; otherwise Rayden wouldn 't have been able to teleport back here . So Jikan Tai must still be in the Omniverse somewhere . " " Got him . He 's okay , I think . " Sonya stretched out her hand . Jax , knowing the drill , took it . " We 'll bring Johnny back here . Let me know if anything happens . " " This is the life , " Johnny Cage , God of Fire , said as he swung in his hammock . " Hey . I 'm out of punch . " Tiburius , one of his new mortals , took his glass and replaced it with a filled one , complete with a slice of fruit on the rim . " Thanks , Tibs . " " No , thank you , " Johnny replied , lowering his sunglasses down and sighing deeply . " Ah . I was born to be a god , I really was . " " Of course , " Johnny waved one hand dismissively . " Don 't even bother to ask next time . I 'm omnipotent , remember ? I can get my own punch . " " Nonsense . You go home , I 'll be fine . " Johnny twisted around to make sure that his new mer - friend was following the god 's advice . He was . He made his way from the grove to the beach , diving into the waves and swimming away . " That 's better . " He settled in , closing his eyes . In the few short days he had spent in Maresium , he 'd completely forgotten any trace of stress . Earth itself was starting to slip away , into the realm of bad dreams and over - exaggerations . " Just when I thought you couldn 't get any lazier - - " The familiar voice trailed off as suddenly someone grabbed his hammock and flipped him over . Johnny and his punch went flying . When he managed to get his head out of the sand , he looked up . " Never heard of it . Remind me to book my next vacation here . I figure I 've got about , oh , three months worth of unused vacation time . " Jax grinned . " Rayden 's been hurt , somehow . He 's unconscious , and we can 't get him to wake up , " Sonya said , her voice quiet and sombre . " I thought - - that maybe you 'd heard him . " " She heard Rayden , and fainted , " Jax filled in , recognising the embarrassment . " Meimei , Rayden 's sister , fainted too . We were wondering if you had . " Sonya had her head cocked to one side , as though she was listening to someone from far away . " He 's awake , " she said suddenly . " He just came to . " She looked at Johnny and Jax . " Let 's get going . " Meimei and Lindara sat on opposite sides of the room . Meimei sat in the overstuffed armchair with her hands in her lap , her eyes closed . She still felt sick to her stomach . Lindara had stopped placing cool cloths on her brother 's forehead . They weren 't doing much good , at any rate . Now she perched on a wooden stool , one of Rayden 's hands in her own . She sent him healing energy , trying to help him through whatever it was that was happening . Meimei leaned back into her chair , curling her legs up under her . A blanket , one of Rayden 's souvenirs from Creator - knew - where hung over the end and she wrapped it around her legs . " Thinking about what ? " Meimei didn 't reply , but the colour which had been returning to her cheeks drained away . " Lightning , " she repeated , trailing off . She struggled to find her voice . " Why ? " " I wish I knew what happened , " Lindara replied . " I wish I knew how Nova and Hiko died . Why and how and when . I was in my Realm , cut off from everywhere else when it happened ; all I know is that I turned up here and they were dead . " " I don 't know what was happening myself , " Meimei admitted . " I was in Officina . The boys were hysterical , they couldn 't understand what was going on . Mother and I were trying to calm them down . Naturalis was in a flap , he kept rambling about his plants . " " I went to the funeral , " Lin continued softly . Her voice was straining . " I could never understand the point before . We don 't have funerals , and I never thought about why mortals do . But when I was there , listening to them talk about Liu Kang , and Nova and Hiko , I realised that they were gone . " " Even now , I keep expecting to see Nova . We weren 't great friends , but I used to see her in the Bar a lot . She helped me with my mortals . She gave me the answer . I wanted to tell her that I was thankful , that I couldn 't have figured it out without her help . But I can 't . " Lindara squeezed her eyes together to keep from crying . " And as bad as I feel . . . Rayden - - " she stopped to wipe her oozing tears on the cuff of her elaborate green robe . " Rayden - - and Hiko - - " With a slight pop of displacing air , Meimei appeared , standing beside her baby sister . She wrapped the blanket around Lindara 's shoulders . " Go sit down for a little while . I 'll give Rayden energy . You need a break . " Suyuan sighed . At any other time she would have refused him . But now she simply gave him one from the jar . He took it and started to munch gleefully . Yueh , the more outwardly - aware of the two twins , sat quietly at the kitchen table . He wasn 't sure what was going on , but he knew it was a bad situation and one that didn 't require a cookie . Jih , noting the expression on his brother 's face , stopped hopping up and down . He didn 't stop munching , but now it was more subdued . He climbed up onto one of the chairs . Suyuan sat down as well , sighing heavily and tucking one of her hair wisps behind her ears . " He just woke up , " Lindara exclaimed , her hand holding her brother 's tightly . Both she and Meimei were at his side , the relief emanating from them almost palpably . Suyuan was perched in the armchair , one of the twins on her lap , the other sitting on the foot of the bed . Sonya was studying Rayden carefully . His eyes were half - closed , and he looked terrible . He was very pale - - paler than normal , she revised - - and seemed . . . she couldn 't put her finger on the exact term . " He 's very tired , " Suyuan said , her tone very measured . Clearly , she did not like Johnny nor Johnny 's comments . " He 's been through a lot . He should probably get some rest - - " " But - - " Sonya started to protest by Jax took her by the elbow and shook his head . Clearly , the mortal agreed with the Goddess of Winds ; Rayden needed some rest . She glared at her partner but nodded slightly , and withdrew her comment . " After the last little while , I know this place better than I know my home in LA . Sonya , Jax and I 'll be fine . Don 't worry about it . " He looked to Rayden and nodded again before teleporting out . The child nodded , and darted out , following his brother . Suyuan paused at the doorway . " If you need anything - - " she began , before letting the offer go unspoken as she gently closed the door behind her . Meimei and Lin both started to get up when he opened his eyes again . " You don 't have to leave , " he said , softly . He shifted over to the middle of the bed . Lin sighed , and settled down . She rested her head on the pillow and he brushed her thick black hair out of the way , before snuggling in . Meimei lay down on his other side . He turned slightly , and gave her a touch on the arm , the next - best thing he could do to a hug . She smiled , and snuggled closer . She giggled . " I don 't think the bed will take too much more of this . " " That was the last time we were all in one place , " her sister agreed . " But the last time we all slept together like this . . . ? " She trailed off . " It must have been - - " she cut herself off suddenly , and buried her head in the back of Rayden 's neck , instantly regretting saying anything at all . He didn 't reply , but put a hand over hers . He was gradually relaxing , and Meimei realised that he had fallen back asleep . But this sleep was natural . She could sense him clearly . She lifted her head to look at Lindara , but realised that her baby sister was falling asleep as well . This caused Sonya to stop and she and Johnny exchanged glances . " She 's Suyuan , Goddess of Winds and Rayden 's mother , " the goddess said . Johnny nodded . " I don 't know why his energy is so erratic either . When whatever happened . . . happened , I got a tremendous shock , and then a wave of pain . " Sonya rubbed her temples and both of the others were surprised at this admittance of distress . " Nobody else can figure it out , either . We 'll just have to wait until Rayden can tell us himself . " He nodded glumly . " I 'd never been there before , but the minute I stepped from the portal , I felt like I had always lived there . It was the best feeling . " He turned to look at her . " You been to Usirapi yet ? " Johnny paused . " Well . . . because it 's yours , of course , " he finished simply . " Maresium is mine , and Usirapi is yours . Thanks to the powers . " Sonya stood for a moment in stunned silent , one hand poised above the coffee jar , a spoon hovering mid - air . " I - - never thought about it , I guess . " She shook her head . " It seems wrong to go back , after all that 's happened . " " Oh , no , thank you , " Meimei said , fishing an apple out from the basket and sitting down at the table . She started to peel the apple before realising she needed a knife . Sonya smiled and handed her one before the goddess could ask . " Thank you . " She nodded slightly . " Nova . I dreamt of Nova , that I was trying to save her from something , I can 't think what . " She looked downcast . " She and I weren 't that close , really . " " We were , " Johnny replied quietly , his voice hushed . " I dreamt of her too . That I was trying to pull her from quicksand , but she kept slipping away . " " I dreamt of Liu , " Sonya said suddenly , nearly blurting it . She looked uncomfortable , and Johnny knew how hard for her it was to admit , but she seemed determined to anyway . " I dreamt of when we were walking up the road to the Temple , just after we thought Shao Khan was killed , after the tournament in Agri . And that 's when he appeared , in the sky ; and he grabbed Liu , and was going to kill him . " Her voice started to falter and she had her hands around the tin of coffee to keep from shaking . " I couldn 't help him . " Meimei , meanwhile , sat at the table , eating her apple in silence . She wasn 't especially close to Nova ; she barely knew Hiko , mostly knew of her , although they had met several times after she and Rayden got married . But Meimei hadn 't known Liu Kang at all . In short , she had no one to grieve for but her brother . She could tell that Rayden was not bearing the stress well , but was determined to carry on regardless and that worried her a great deal . The silence was broken by Jih , who ran into the kitchen , whooping , followed by his brother . " Mama ! Mama ! " He scurried over to her and climbed on her lap , while Yueh got on the chair next to her . " Morning , boys , " she said , giving Jih a cuddle and a slice of apple . Yueh tugged on her sleeve and received a chunk as well . Finding where the cereal was kept was no difficulty , but Sonya had a problem figuring out which container of grain was which type of grain . Some were easy to tell , like wheat and corn , but others were frankly foreign and she was stumped . Luckily , she found that someone had written on all the jars ; from the writing Sonya guessed that it was Hiko , rather than Rayden . But that made more sense , anyway . She assumed the god could tell at first glance which canister held the quinoa ; but Hiko was food - challenged and another matter . " They like some dried fruit , " Meimei replied , pointing at one of the shelves . Sonya had to stand on tip - toe , but could barely reach it . Johnny stretched and reached it with ease . He gave it to her without any trace of a smirk so she spared him a scowl . " They have wooden ones of their own , " Meimei said , shaking her head . She pointed to a set on the second shelf . " They tend to be . . . tough with their utensils . " " I don 't know about that . " Meimei shrugged . Sonya was setting the table so the goddess lifted Jih off her lap and set him down on another chair . He protested but then caught sight of Johnny and hushed immediately . Johnny caught Sonya 's eye and smiled , but she didn 't return it . The goddess nodded . " But she normally does that . " Jih was already done his breakfast and starting to fuss . She pointed to a cloth lying on the counter and Sonya threw it to her . Sonya then leaned against the counter , her arms crossed and a questioning look on her face . " She does ? Does she live with you and your husband ? " Meimei laughed . " Oh , no . We live with her , and her husband in Officina . That 's Naturalis ' Realm . Tai Hou - - my husband - - doesn 't have a Realm , you see . " She pulled Jih to her and wiped his face . The minute she let him go he flew off , leaving his brother to finish breakfast alone at the table . " Lately , I 've been wondering if I shouldn 't move to my own Realm . For the boys , I mean . And Mother , too . I 'm sure she 'd love the calm . Yueh , darling , finish your porridge . " " Not really . I didn 't want it at the time - - I 'd just had the twins and I couldn 't face it , so full of negative energy like it was . I nearly turned it down , but then one of its previous inhabitants came forward and asked to take care of it , as a Regent of sorts . " Meimei stopped to grab Yueh by the collar as he was making a run from the table . She pulled him over , inspected his face , wiped a smudge , and then let him go . She looked up to Sonya , and was startled to see that the Goddess had gone pale . She frowned , and looked to Johnny , but he didn 't have an explanation either . Sonya seemed to find her voice . Meimei nodded , still confused as to why this would have any significance . Johnny picked up on his friend 's inference immediately , and realised why she looked so ill . " Liu . She hasn 't been told about Liu . " Rayden stood out on the grass . Overhead , the clouds rumbled , and the rain fell steadily . He could hear it hitting the outside of his straw hat . He watched the water streaming off the rim . It was Lindara , calling from the doorframe . She obviously didn 't want to step outside and risk getting wet . He could have turned to reply to her . He could have simply called over his shoulder . He did neither . " Rayden ! You need to get out of this rain , " she commanded , shivering . " It 's cold and wet and raining so I suppose it would be wet but you 'll catch a chill and then Mother will be furious , " Lin continued in a single breath . " Rayden , are you listening to me ? " He looked down at her suddenly as though only now becoming aware of her presence . " Lin . I thought - - " He trailed off , staring at the empty door . He stared at her in confusion , as though he couldn 't see any reason why he shouldn 't be outside . " Rayden , " she repeated , letting her worry creep into her voice . " Come inside , right now . " She started to pull on his arm , and he followed her meekly . " He must have left after you got up . I woke up to find both of you were gone . I had a funny feeling , checked outside and there he was . " Lindara took her sister 's hands . " I 'm really worried for him . He 's really out of sorts . " Meimei gave her a quick hug . " I know , Lin . But we 'll work through it . Mother 's here ; you 're here - - " " Again , " Johnny interrupted , " they 'll be in good hands . We shouldn 't be gone that long ; if we 're not back by the evening I 'd be really surprised . Outworld is not a place that inspires long visits . " Meimei sighed , then nodded . " I must get changed , first . I am Outworld 's Lady ; I cannot go in my dressing gown . " She started towards the door , then stopped and took Lindara aside . " Lin , I want you to tell Mother , but not Rayden . He 's been through enough for the moment , we can tell him later . And for goodness sake don 't tell the boys ; they 're liable to blurt out anything . Just tell them that I 've gone home to check on Naturalis , or something like that . Okay ? " Johnny started to say something ; but hesitated . He sat back at the table , coffee mug in hand . " I 'll just wait here , " he finished quietly . " Then why do you look like you 'd rather be on the other side of the Temple ? " Johnny asked her suddenly . " Look , I 'm not one to pull punches . I know you weren 't this uncomfortable around me at Agri 's Tournament . Is it because I 'm now a god ? I 'm just curious . I want to know . " Lindara sat with her hands in her lap . She was staring at the sodden hem of her green dress . " I don 't mean to be rude , " she said quietly . " I - - " She shook her head , bringing it up to look him in the eye . " I 'm sorry . I won 't be like that , any more . " " I don 't care if you are , " Johnny admitted with a shrug . He took a sip of coffee . " Like I said , I was just curious . " Lin watched him leave , then shook her head and got to her feet . She could hear the rain on the roof overhead , and it was beginning to annoy her . She closed her eyes and stretched out , using her powers to try and drive away the storm ; she 'd had enough . |
I had a strange moment today . I desperately need a new pair of sandals so I , being the shoe - a - holic that I am , started searching the internet far and wide for a really cute pair . I was going to go to Target , but that 's such a hit - or - miss store when it comes to shoes so I changed my mind . I looked at Payless and Zappos because cheap is the way to go for me these days ! I found a pair of T - strap ones that look similar to ones I 've been dying for , but I didn 't want to wait the 10 - 14 days for shipping . Instant gratification is the name of the game when it comes to shoes . So , since the nearest Payless is only about 5 minutes from my house , I decided I 'd just go there and look around , even though I knew full well that they only have 2 out of 10 things that they list on the internet in the store . Okay - here 's the point of my story . My main question to the owner of the Payless store near my house is this : why do you put the teeny tiny cute pink little girl 's shoes on the back wall , sectioned off into a little space only visible by someone walking straight down the aisle that houses the size nine shoes ? It was torturous . I ignored them at first , as I usually do , but it was like a car accident ; eventually I went over and looked at them . It resulted in me buying these : even though I had absolutely no intentions to send them to her . I know I can 't . I can 't possibly send her everything I see that makes me think of her , or that I think would look adorable on her ( because I think everything would ) . So . . . yes , I really bought them . They are sitting on my bed beside me right now , yet another thing that I will put in her keepsake box , even though they were never ' hers . ' Everything in my keepsake box is something that was hers or something that directly has to do with her - her hospital bracelets , locks of her hair , her birth certificate , etc . This pair of shoes . . . this is entirely something different . I keep wondering what made me do it . I can see someone thinking it 's a little twisted to buy shoes for a child that is no longer evsaid This may be a short one because I am extremely tired . I didn 't sleep well last night . . . I went to bed at 11 and didn 't fall asleep til nearly 12 : 30 , then I woke up again around 2 and tossed and turned until about 4 , and finally woke up for good at 5 : 30 . No fun , let me tell ya . Work started out well , I was greeted in the morning by a litter of seven 4 week old kittens squealing and squirming around in their carrier , so that brought a huge smile to my face . One of the technicians at my job rescued them from an animal shelter and is nursing them until they are old enough to eat on their own . They were too adorable ! Anyways , work was going pretty well , until . . . . I lost it . I don 't know if it was the lack of sleep , the stress I was under at work today , or a combination of everything all at once , but I went out back to look for an animal 's medical record and a tech ( the one who brought in the kittens ) said , " Oooh , what does your tattoo say ? " and I replied the same way I always do when I 'm asked . I said " It 's my daughter 's birthday . . " and she looked up and smiled and said " aww . . . . " but gave me a quizzical look , as if to say " why does it have the wording above it that it does ? , " because it is clearly a ' memorial ' or a tattoo in honor of someone . So to break the awkward silence , I told her that I gave her up for adoption . Her face practically crumbled and she said " oh , how beautiful that is , it must be so special to you " and I nodded my head for what seemed like an eternity and then I said " I 'm going to cry . " And no sooner had I said it than the flood gates opened . Which , in turn , made her come over and hug me and say , " I 'm gonna cry , too " and it was all downhill from there . I tried to compose myself as soon as I could , especially because my practice manager , the two veterinarians , and another tech were peering around the corner , wondering who the heck the blubbering fool was in the back room with the kittens . She told me that that was the most loving thing I could have done and said she was sorry she made me upset . I told I hope , in the future , I can compose myself a little more when need be . I know it 's not healthy to hold it all in * all the time , * but usually I try to put my game face on at work and school and other social settings and not let myself feel it when people say things or ask questions . My emotions took me by surprise today , that 's for sure . . . Today 's been a rough day . I can 't exactly put my finger on why , but it has . It was one of those days where I was very reluctant to get out of bed , and the minute I did , I just wanted to get back in it . I tried to work on my homework , but couldn 't focus . I tried to find a movie to watch on t . v . , and every single one had something to do with couples , babies , or both . Then I took note of the date and realized it 's the 24th , which is not a significant day when it comes to my daughter or anything like that , it 's just that three years ago today I went on a little ' mini - vacation ' with her birth father and it was the most amazing three days of my life . I remember it like it was yesterday , and I guess once I realized it , I just let myself be sad about it rather than trying to mask it or bury it all day . I know I shouldn 't get so upset about him anymore . . . it 's been a while now , and I should be moving on from him a lot faster than I am . Some days I am completely , 100 % fine without him . Others I feel like I am going to cease to exist if we don 't speak . I think that 's normal - I don 't know . This was my first real break - up , aside from the boys you ' date ' in eighth grade , which basically means that you messaged them first when you signed onto AIM , before you IM ' ed any of your other friends . In a lame attempt to cheer myself up , I went out and bought these really cute stickers for my scrapbook : . . . and now , I am going to curl up on the couch with spongebob mac & cheese and my kitty . The post title really says it all . I woke up in a really good mood this morning , so I started the day off on a good foot . I actually went for a walk before the heat and humidity became too much to bear ( it reached over 100 degrees today . . . ick ! ) and then spent most of the mid - morning and afternoon working on some case studies for my psych class . I am growing to love that class , by the way , now that I finally have my textbook and am able to keep up now . I had an internal conflict most of the day about whether or not I should call my daughter 's bio father for the photos or not or if I should just let it rest . I 'm really waiting on him to finish this book ; part of me wants to just say " screw him , I gave him plenty of time " but that 's not even punishing him , it 's my little girl who will miss out on her father being in her scrapbook . I told him I needed them within the month and that was almost two weeks ago . . . time is running out ! I can admit , though , that one of my huge flaws ( that I 've only come to realize in the months after my daughter was born ) is that I 'm a huge control freak . Now , seeing my messy bedroom , you wouldn 't believe that . My room reflects a person with absolutely no control , and my car used to , as well . In a weird way I feel like I 've put up this strange guard , especially when it comes to anything and everything having to do with him or my daughter . I 've taken the phrase " don 't expect anything and you can 't get let down " to a whole new level . I won 't call him at a time when I think he won 't answer ( because of work , etc . ) because I 'll get upset if he doesn 't call back within a day or two , or ' forgets ' to call back . I won 't expect an email from my daughter 's adoptive parents , EVER , because then every time I check my email and there 's nothing there , I get sad . Don 't get me wrong , I haven 't become Miss Debbie Downer who looks at the glass as being half empty all the time . I just try to plan my life according to guidelines I 've made up in my own mind that I think will cause the least amount of hurt . I don ' tsaid I 've decided to put the rest of my little one 's birth story on hold for a while . I got all of the details of her actual birth down on paper ( so to speak ! ) , and I realized I was trailing off in the direction of writing out each day up until I signed the papers , as well , and I didn 't intend to go there . I think I will , for her , but not right now . It 's still too hard to dig those out of my memory at the moment . . . even though I wouldn 't have to do much digging since they nag at the corner of my mind daily . I got out of work early today , at about 2 : 15 rather than 4 : 30 , which was nice . Not so nice for my paycheck , but nice for me , because I got to catch up on a little sleep and a lot of homework . My mom 's been home for a couple days with really bad back pain , so I texted her on my way home and asked if she wanted anything , like lunch , an iced tea from dunkie 's , ice cream , whatever . She said that it would be nice if I brought home an ice cream , so I stopped at Dairy Queen and got her one . As I was in line , a woman got behind me with three boys , all of which appeared to be hers ( looked just like her ) , and they were probably 7 , 5 , and 4 , approximately . They were clearly very excited and hyper and kept screaming out the names of the 38 billion kinds of ice cream they wanted and yelling something about gummy bears . After I gave the girl at the window my order , I stepped to the side a little , because I wasn 't sure if I should move so they could order and wait at the other window , or wait at the one I was at . The second I moved the boys ran up and took my place and she said to them " STOP IT ! You just cut that lady ! Apologize and GET BACK HERE ! ! " So I just looked at her and smiled and said " It 's okay , I moved over ! " and she sort of made this face towards them and said , " want a few boys ? I 'm sick of them , they 're all yours , take em ! " Now , I know she was kidding . And it was basically a harmless comment . Obviously I wouldn 't spring something on her , like , " you should be thankful you have the resources to raise not one , but three bI miss you , my little princess . I wonder what you 're doing right at this very moment . I wonder if you 're eating dinner or rolling around on the floor . I wonder if you 're babbling away or laughing at your big brother . I wonder if you 're napping , or already sleeping for the night . I 'd like to say I wonder if you miss me , but I know you 're too young for that . . . I know you don 't . But that 's the beauty of it . I miss you enough for both of us , but that 's okay . I want to take on that pain so you don 't feel it ; as strange as it sounds to say it , I hope you never miss me . I don 't want you to ever feel pain over longing for me . I want you to know in the back of your mind that I 'm always here for you , while at the same time , not stepping on your Mom and Dad 's toes . Just know that I loved you before you were born and the love I have for you grows more and more every day even though I can 't be with you . You will always be my first born and you will always have my heart . < 3 said I received an e - mail from someone at birthmom buds today , with a link to their website which I started looking around . While doing that , I found this idea , and thought it sounded awesome . I decided I would do it ( or at least start it ) tonight . The morning my daughter was born is still so fresh in my mind , and writing it out is something I 've been meaning to do for a while . Every time I 've tried , though , I wind up getting too upset or sad , and giving up . I made a promise to myself that I would do it before she turned one . Whether I 'll mail it to her or not , I 'm not sure . I 'll probably keep it and if her adoptive mom ever tells me she 's questioning it , I 'll have a letter to give her about that morning . If not , I 'll give it to her when she and I meet again . I don 't know how I 'll write it , I don 't know if I 'll write as if I 'm talking to a child , an adolescent , an adult , or a mix of all three . Either way , here goes ! I thought you may want to hear a story in which you are the star . . . the day you made your grand entrance into the world . The first time that I thought I was in labor turned out to be a false alarm , but you were still only a few short days away from coming ! The night before my " false alarm , " I was up most of the night because you were kicking away despite the doctor saying I might not feel you moving as much because you were growing and taking up more and more space inside my belly . I think you may also have been practicing to become a ballerina . . . you were spinning and twirling all night long , too . It was the most amazing feeling . By that point , anyone who put their hands on my belly could feel you from the outside just as much as I felt you from the inside . Anyways , It was my 2nd favorite holiday , Halloween , at 4 in the morning , when I started to get a really intense pain in my lower back . I remembered my doctor telling me about something called " back labor , " so I immedaitely started counting the minutes between the onset of each pain . Once it got down to five to seven minutes apart , your ( birth ) grandmother called the doctor . I was sent into the hospital and told to put on the hospital gown , only to be told that you weren 't quite as ready as I had thought . I was given the option to stay in the hospital and wait it out , or go home and rest comfortably . I decided I wanted to spend some more time with you on my own in my room , with no nurses and doctors coming and going as they pleased , so I went home . I spent Halloween pacing the house , lying down and reading , and taking a few baths . I remember sitting on the couch as it got dark outside , watching all the little kids dressed up as pumpkins , cats , ghosts , and witches running around the neighborhood and ringing our bell saying " trick or treat ! ? , " and thinking of how badly I wanted to be able to do that with you someday . I sat there for a while with an ice pack on my back and a heating pad on my stomach . . . what a combination ! It helped , though . I never actually went toElizabeth . . . literally . Proverbs 27 : 4 ; Wrath is cruel , anger is overwhelming , but who can stand before jealousy ? I 'm genuinely not a jealous person , or at least I used to be able to say that about myself and mean it . When other girls in my high school had nicer cars or fancier bags and wallets than I did , I never felt envy towards them . I was happy with what I had because I didn 't see the sense in dropping buckets of money into something that would be used for a month and then traded out for a different one - in the case of the fancy Coach bags , that is . However , lately , I have found myself more jealous than not in nine out of ten given situations . My life is good . I am lucky to have both of my loving parents still living and still together and on my side . I don 't have a lot of friends , but the ones I do have , I keep very close , and that 's the way I prefer it . I was never a " social butterfly . " I am lucky to still be able to go to school and continue with my education , and all - in - all , when I step back and actually see the forest through the trees , I am lucky to have had a healthy , beautiful baby girl and I am even more lucky that I can trust in the fact that I will one day be a part of her life again . So why oh why am I jealous of damn near everything and everyone lately ? It seems to be getting out of control , and I thought maybe if I wrote it out and got it off my chest , it might make me feel a little better . Pardon the grammar and run - on sentences that may or may not occur in the following part of my post ! Okay , here it is . All of it . I am jealous of myself in the photos I see from last November . I feel like the person in those pictures still had the chance to say " I 'm backing out of this , taking my baby home with me " . . . even though I know that 's not what I would do if I were given the chance to go back in time . It 's not what my daughter needs . I am jealous of my daughter 's birth father because he seems to be " moving on " from this so much faster than I am . He laughs and smiles with ease these days , and don 't get me wrong - I am happy for him for that . I don 't want him to hurt , no matter how badly he has hurt me in the past . I 'm not vindictive towards him ; believe it or not , I would hate to see him suffer . Especially over our baby . But why does he get to be so happy before I am ? Don 't I deserve that as much ( if not more ) than he does ? I know he grieves differently than I do , and there have been times recently that he has gotten choked up and even cried about it . Maybe he 's hiding it to protect me , because he knows I 'm a big ball of emotions sitting at the top of a steep hill and I could go rolling down it at any moment if the wind blows in the wrong direction . I don 't know . Either way you slice it , I 'm jealous of him . I 'm also jealous of him because his first daughter , his 5 year old , is still with him . Why does she get to know her biological father in a way that my daughter doesn 't ? I realize that he had that child with a different woman who was at a different age and place in her life than I was when I got pregnant with him , but still , I feel extremely envious towards that whole situation . I 'm jealous that he still has a child that he gets to see everyday , and if not everyday , very often . I 'm jealous of his older daughter 's mother for the fact that she , too , found herself pregnant by him unintentionally , just like I did , but she gets to be with her daughter . I feel like that could and should be me . And , as crazy as this sounds , I 've found myself jealous of his five year old daughter . Not because she gets to spend tWriting this out has helped me because I 'm seeing it now , in front of my face , in black and white . I sound like a lunatic . I 'm jealous of a man who I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of , I 'm jealous of pregnant women , married women , a five year old , and my friends who have babies . CRAZY ! I hope admitting it really is the first step . And , skimming over my post , I can see that I 've resolved some of my jealousy issues right here and now , just by talking about them to a computer screen . This proves to me that it would do me a world of good to continue talking to someone about this . As in , continue therapy . . . for the time being , at least . I clearly have a lot that I need to work through before I can fully move on . As fully as I can anyways . As I 've said a thousand times , a piece of me will always be with my little girl wherever she goes , so therefore I will never be 100 % whole again . I 'm feeling a little stressed out today . My textbook for my abnormal psych class hasn 't come in the mail yet , even though I ordered it on the 7th . I desperately need it because this is a month - long summer class , so having three classes without it is like not even being in class at all . Anddd to top it off , I have a huge exam on Tuesday and a research project due . Both of which I 'm unable to do without the book . I have my class notes , but the teacher said herself that what will be on the test is a lot of stuff in the book that she didn 't get to cover in class . So , I need my book . I wanted to use this weekend to catch up on a lot of that kind of thing , and it would have been the perfect time to study and whatnot . Hopefully it will come Monday - then when I get home from work at 5 : 30 I can use the rest of the night to study , and then get up early ( earlier ! ) for class in the morning and study again . Enough of that , on to better things . I 'm so extremely excited to get the videos of my little girl . That 's all I 've wanted to see since day 1 and finally they are coming my way ! I don 't mean to sound selfish , but I kind of wish I had gotten them sooner . I wanted to see her still in her ' baby ' stage , bouncing around in her little exersaucer and stuff like that . Honestly though , I 'll love and adore them whether she 's 8 months old in them or 8 years old . In other news , this week has been spent playing phone tag with my daughter 's ( biological ) father over when he will give me the photos of him that I asked for . I don 't know if I 've ever mentioned this , but my mom and I want to make a book for her to look at , hopefully from time to time , that has photos of my parents ( her grandma and grandpa ) and photos of me from birth to present . Maybe one photo a year , or something like that . I teetered on the line of whether or not to include pictures of her dad . . . part of me felt like , if there are pictures of her grandparents , shouldn 't there be pictures of the one that 's even more closely a part of her ? If there are pictures of me , shouldn 't there be pictures of the other half of who she is ? So I decided to include him ; but not a photo every year , because I don 't want to get my hopes up that he will actually even give me that many photos . Plus , he 's older than me , and hates photos of himself . I wouldn 't be surprised if , for the past 5 years of his life , there have been no photos taken of him ( besides the 3 or 4 that I 've taken ) . Anyways , I told him I wanted to make the book for her within the month in the hopes that he will actually get the photos to me within the month . Truthfully , I wanted to send it on or right before her first birthday as part of my gift . If I told him that , though , he wouldn 't give them to me til the last week in October . Pro - cras - tin - a - tor . It scares me to realize this , but her first birthday will be here in the blink of an eye . Already she 's 8 months and I can hardly believe that . Four more short months and she 's 1 . Unbelievable . : ( Did anyone watch the adoption special on MTV ? I couldn 't bring myself to do it . While I 'm curious to see what 's discussed and shown , I don 't think I can take it right now . I put on my brave face and went to mtv . com to attempt to watch it ( and it wasn 't even there ) and on the way I came across one too many little chat boards with girls saying one of the following : " I 've never even had a baby , and I 'm crying , " " I 'm bawling my eyes out , and I 'm less than three minutes in , " and " I feel so bad for these girls ! " Not to mention all of the questions , like " can the birth mother and birth father get their baby back if they want it ? " like he or she is a puppy . Like he or she is an it . And finally : all of the " how could ANYONE ever give THEIR baby away ? " comments . That was about all I could take , and I just closed the window and put my laptop away for a while . I don 't know what made me think I 'd be able to handle the show if comments like that get under my skin so much . Maybe I 'll dvr it for a rainy day that I feel like lying around all day in my pj 's , eating ben & jerry 's and not wearing mascara . If I plan on being an emotional mess all day , it 's not so bad , right ? ; ) I may or may not have posted this before , I can 't remember . But I adore this video and song and it 's meaning . I made this blog back in October to see my progress . I wanted to write down my feelings when I felt them so I could always remember . So I could tell my little girl one day . . . maybe to help explain it to her better . I wanted to have my ups and downs right there in front of me , so I could feel better about some things when I looked back on them , but it seems like I just feel worse when I look back . I feel like I 'm stuck in a rut . I 'm just at a standstill . I have been this way for a few months . I remember a post I wrote on the day she turned three months old . I could not believe she was already three months old . Now , here I am , " with " an eight month old little girl . I have an eight month old . What have I done for the past eight months ? Shouldn 't I be feeling , as they say , " better " by now ? It 's like a train ride that I want to get off of , but I can 't see the stops until I 'm already at them . I don 't know if I 'll get off at a stop that will leave me stuck in some sort of depression , or I 'll get off at a stop filled with hope and happiness . So I 'm scared to make a move , but I 'm also terrified to look ahead and see the train tracks ahead that go up and down , up and down , miles and miles of uncertain hills . That 's why I 've been so quiet lately . I don 't have anything to say , really . I don 't want to just whine all the time , who wants to see that ? I don 't even like to say it . That 's why I don 't act like anything is wrong around my family or friends . I don 't want them to know that I 'm really not okay , because on the outside , I am fine . No one really would understand , anyways . Any mother , anyone who has ever been pregnant or had a child knows that love you feel , whether the child was planned or not . It 's so crazy , it 's beyond unconditional , I feel like it 's the purest form of love on earth . I have never been married nor been with a man I could see myself marrying , but I feel like even that love can 't compare . It 's just different , and because of that I feel like those women can at least see how much it can hurt , but yet unless ysaid I 'm trying to stay positive . I feel like I 'm finally processing feelings that I should have dealt with months ago but didn 't , because I was too scared . I knew how I felt in the hospital , I knew how I felt leaving the hospital . So when I got home , and after I had signed the papers and everything , I just . . . . didn 't want to feel any of it . I shut myself off ; turned myself into a robot . That 's not how I want to live my life . I don 't want to never love anyone or anything again because I 'm scared to get hurt the way I did by her father , or I 'm scared I 'll have to be apart from them , like I am with my daughter . I 've learned to tune out the emotions and it 's the most unhealthy way to cope with any sort of grief . I think it was too overwhelming for me . Everyone kept telling me how strong I was , how I was " better than they expected me to be , " when I returned to work , etc . I wasn 't . I am a good faker . Now , I need to stop . But I don 't know how , because now , its eight months later . It 's not so acceptable for me to melt into a blob and not want to leave the house for a week . I , in a way , had an ' excuse ' before . In the few weeks after her birth and after my signing the papers , it was almost expected of me to crumble . But I held it together , I had to be strong for her , and I felt as though I needed to be strong for her father , in the areas that he wasn 't . ( Big mistake , by the way . I realize now that I did not need to compensate for anything he lacked . ) I don 't know , I just feel strange . I love getting pictures of her , but the more and more I see , I don 't even feel like she 's mine anymore . I know , in a way , she isn 't mine . But I feel almost like I wasn 't even pregnant with her , I didn 't even give birth to her . It 's not because she doesn 't look anything like me ( which she really doesn 't ) , or because I haven 't seen her in so long . . . . I can 't really explain it , I guess . I guess you would have to be in my shoes to understand it . I just look at her and think , " what a beautiful baby . " I don 't feel any maternal connection right now . I ussaid I told myself I wouldn 't jump on this Casey Anthony bandwagon . So many people don 't care about something until the worst possible outcome becomes reality , and then they all feel bad and act sad and act as if they have cared for the past three years in their entirety . Of course hearing about a two year old being murdered sparks emotion from just about anyone , myself included . But so many people are speaking up now - where were these people before , when they were trying to figure out what happened to this poor little girl ? It baffles me . I am one of those people who heard about it , felt awful about it , and then honestly forgot about it . And I have to admit , the more I do think about it , now , the angrier I get . Maybe it didn 't phase me before because I didn 't have a child . Maybe it bothers me * that * much more because I have a child who is not physically with me . It gets under my skin that I struggle every day over the fact that I had a baby and gave her up and then this woman has a baby and takes her life . Just took her life like it was nothing . Okay , so she 's " innocent . " It doesn 't matter if she goes to jail or gets the death sentence , or doesn 't . She knows what she did and her conscience will , hopefully , eat at her until she can 't take it anymore . I can 't imagine taking my own daughter 's life and then going about my own as if it were nothing . Feeling satisfied that I got away with it . Lying under oath , yada yada , the list goes on . It makes me sick . So many women every day lose their babies at absolutely no fault of their own , and this woman is blessed with a healthy child and she kills her ? What is wrong with the world ? I don 't understand how or why these things happen . I have felt that way about myself in the past , too . So many families want to have a baby , would give anything to have a baby . They do everything the ' right ' way - fall in love , get married , buy a house , start trying to have a baby . Then , they can 't for whatever reason . But I did everything backwards . I ( or we , not susaid I 've had a pretty good little vacation from work . It started off pretty well on Friday afternoon ( with my daughter 's shoes coming ) and ended pretty well today , as I spent the better part of the day working on my scrapbook . This morning I went to school ( actually , both that I am enrolled in ) and signed up for the second summer session that starts on Thursday . I have a lot on my plate for the rest of the summer , between two jobs and school , therapy and physical therapy ( for my ankle / foot ) , but I think it will do me some good . I feel overwhelmed thinking about it , but I know I can do it . I 'll be happy once it 's over , and I won 't get there unless I put myself through it now ( school , that is ) . Sometimes I let my thoughts catch up to me and I think , " what will I do if I 'm in the middle of class , or work , and a sudden and all - too - realistic thought of my daughter hits me ? " Because at times , those sudden flashbacks or bouts of curiosity hit me and they can be crippling . On the other hand , though , what am I going to do ? Sit around and be depressed constantly thinking about her and missing her just because I 'm too scared to go out and face the real world for fear that I may suddenly be reminded of her ? I don 't think it 's even possible for me to be " reminded " of her ; she never leaves my side in my mind . Last night we went and saw the fireworks on the esplanade . We didn 't actually go to the esplanade but watched them from one of the nearby parking lots where it was much less crowded . I have always been partial to fireworks , I think they 're so beautiful and always a good opportunity for a nice photo ! I feel like I haven 't written in forever ! I 've had a good past few days . I ended up going to the movies Friday night , and then Saturday night I went to my friend 's boyfriend 's house to celebrate her birthday with a few other people . I didn 't know anyone but her , and it 's not like me to enjoy myself so much around people I don 't ' know , ' but all in all I had a good evening . And my baby girl turned 8 months that same day , so I was a little off , anyways . But I 'm getting off track ! The point of writing about being at the birthday celebration / cookout is that around 11 : 30ish , I saw the little email icon at the top of my phone . I try not to get too excited when I see it , because although I do have an email account pretty much designated for emails about my daughter , my car insurance updates and bank notifications get sent to that email also . So my heart skips a beat ( almost literally ) every time I see it , and then it 's never from her . But this time when I looked , it was from her , with the subject line : " Pictures : ) " ( ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ) I didn 't want to look at them on my phone screen for the obvious reason that they are squished into a 4 x 3 window . The party was thinning out anyways so I said I was going to go and waited for hours for some guys to move their trucks which were blocking my car in . In reality , I must have only waited two minutes , but it felt like hours . Finally I got to my laptop and she sent me SO many photos . She had to send them grouped together as a pdf file - that 's how many there were . In it , she included my little girl 's first day at the beach , first time standing in the water , and first carousel ride . She has an ear - to - ear grin on in the ones where she 's on the carousel , she wasn 't scared at all ! I marveled at the photos for probably an hour , then emailed her back , thanking her and telling her my favorites . She wrote back , and sent a couple more with her reply . Em must have been napping , because we exchanged 5 or 6 emails back and forth within about two hours . I woke up yesterday morning to yet another from her , with one more picture . I wrote back in the afternoon , and then last night she sent me another , with the subject line : " You 're going to love this " and . . . . . I loved it ! It was a photo of my little girl in her ' 3rd of July ' outfit with the sneakers on ! Oh my goodness , I can 't tell you how happy it made me . I have been ecstatic since then . Fast forward from last night to this morning - I wake up to the email icon again . Another picture , closer up , of her in her patriotic outfit . I am over the moon right now , but for some reason not as happy as I feel I should be about this . Still very very happy - but something 's still missing , and I can 't figure out what exactly it is . Every single day for the past 8 months I 've checked my email in anticipation , and now here I am getting an average of 3 emails a day from her since Saturday , and don 't get me wrong , I love it , but I 'm still kind of " meh . " Maybe it 's because I wish I were with her on this beautiful day ? Who knows . I 'm not gonna let it get me down , though , I know that for sure . Onto better things - a few of the pictures ! I narrowed it down to ( mostly ) only the holiday - specific ones . Coincidentally , I just glanced at my phone as I was writing this and there 's another picture which she says was just taken hours ago ! ! I rescind my comment about feeling " iffy " and remind you that I have been ecstatic since eHappy Fourth ! Her shoes came : ) I definitely cried when I opened the box . I lied - I cried the minute I saw the box . I 'm used to the big long thin boxes my chuck taylor 's came in . . . this box was , literally , about 7 inches long and 5 inches wide . I wanted to keep the box and mail them in something else , but I was just acting way too sentimental . Eventually , a shoebox would wind up getting thrown out or damaged somehow - and I can 't keep the packaging of everything I get for her over the years . It was hard for me , but to anyone else , it 's " just a box . " These things fit in the palm of my hand , practically . I love them so much . . . it would make my MONTH if she sent a photo of her wearing them . Absolutely make my month . I don 't care about how much they cost , or how much the overnight shipping cost , or anything . . . it 'll be worth it to see her wearing them . I know , I know , I know I keep saying it , but I feel as though this worked out as best as it possibly could , given the situation . Given the fact that I miss her and want to be near her with every fiber in my body and can 't be , I am so blessed to be close enough / to have her parents be open enough to let me send things directly to her , whenever and for whatever I want . Is it really July already ? Is my little girl really going to be 8 months old tomorrow ? 8 months ? ? That 's so much closer to a year than I 'd like it to be . I love seeing how she 's growing and changing , but seriously , where has the time gone ? I think her 9 month birthday will be one of the hardest so far . . . because somewhere in between the nine month and the ten month birthdays is the little check point that tells me she 's been with her adoptive mom and dad longer than she was with me in my belly . I feel like that will make it , to me , seem like she 's all the more theirs rather than mine . Which , she is . She is both , I know this . But . . . still . She 's already in 18 month clothes . My big girl : ) Her sneakers haven 't come in the mail yet but they should get here sometime today . I got her a pair of red and blue hair clips also , with big flowers on them . I can 't wait to see how adorable she looks . I know I am so blessed to get photos as frequently as I do . . . it has been what 's gotten me through this . I feel as if I was so crazy in the beginning , to think that I wanted no contact and no photos because it would be too hard . But now that I 've had time to look back and reflect on these first few months , I see that I would be nowhere without those photos . I couldn 't survive wondering what she looked like , who she looked like , how big she was , what her smile looked like . . . I could go on and on , you get the idea . I don 't really have much to say so far today . Time is , as I said , flying by , but also managing to d r a g at the same time . . This is my journey - my life after choosing adoption for my baby girl . I say " choosing " because I did not give her up , I gave her better . The moment I knew I was pregnant , I promised her innocent little self a beautiful , happy life ; a life full of potential and love . At some point , I realized that her biological father and I had no means to guarantee that my promise would be fulfilled , other than love . So , I decided to place her with the most amazing family I could ever have dreamed of for my child . I don 't write for an audience , I write for myself . My blog is public in the hopes that maybe I can help someone else who is going through what I went through . It 's not always pretty , but it 's my therapy . Sometimes it 's positive , sometimes it 's negative , but it 's always real . |
Will you venture all the way to the beginning ? Or maybe you 'll start with the next post ? Whichever you do - enjoy the story ! Feel free to comment and follow , all of it is appreciated . Authors note : I want to apologize in advance for the severe passing of time here . Well actually within the last few and next few posts . I have wanted to catch you all up to me . With this post though , you might understand the lack of pictures - due to concentration on the game ! Kind of forgot to take them . . . Sorry . Rosetta lay in the delivery room for six hours total . David didn 't want Rylan to see any of what was happening , but didn 't have a babysitter , so , as much as he wanted to be in the room , he had to take care of their boy . The two of them were in the waiting room most of the time , but when Rylan got fussy , he was taken outside to get some fresh air . It seemed to help calm him . Inside the hospital , Rosetta was busy giving David the girl he 'd wished for . More so than that , she was giving him three girls , not just one . Between sleeping spells as the nurses were getting the triplets ready to go home , Rosetta wondered why she had had three babies . Triplets didn 't run in her family . It was a complete - total - shock . When the doctor had told her - after the first one had been born - not to relax just yet , there was one more to go she had been surprised . She came close to fainting when they told her there was a third on the way . Rosetta wasn 't sure if she could stay awake anymore to deliver that last baby , but she did it . That , though , is the reason she was now dozing in and out of sleep while the nurses prepared the infants . She was thoroughly exhausted from the pushing , and the emotional shock . Since one woman couldn 't carry three babies in her arms safely , the nurses provided a basket to bring the girls home in . After Rosetta had a small nap and the girls were all bathed and checked out , the hospital staff snuggled the babies in the basket together , wrapped in blankets , and sent them home with their mother . Rosetta walked out , carrying the basket of joy , ready to surprise her husband . She spotted him and their son off in the shadow just talking together . She heard that Rylan was asking questions about babies , like what they do or what they eat . Smiling , Rosetta announced her arrival . " You can go shopping , we 'll need some things . " She told him . When she saw he was waiting for her to continue , she did , " The happy news is , it 's a girl . " His jaw dropped . " Wow . Three girls ! " He smiled again , unable to contain his excitement . " That 's amazing ! And I thought you couldn 't do a better trick than delivering just one baby ! " He planted that kiss he 'd been waiting for right on her lips , " Thank you Rose . Thanks for giving us a family . " They took the limo home , the family of 6 , and David was sure to tell the driver to make it a safe and slow ride . On the way home they discussed names . They had only picked out one name before the girls were born , not three . They gave the first born the name of Brenna , it might be a day or two before the other two girls had their names . Rylan had been silent most of the trip home , which was kind of unusual , but he didn 't seem unhappy . Since the girls were sleeping and Rylan was okay , they made a quick stop at the store to pick up a few things they would need right away before going all the way home . David picked up another swing or two , making sure one was pink . When they got back to the house , the driver helped unload their new purchases since he knew the family well and figured they 'd have other things to tend to . One at a time the babies were taken from the basket , cuddled and given a bottle before setting them either in a swing or a crib . As she was feeding one of the girls , Rosetta remembered what she had thought about two babies not being much harder than one . Now they had four . It was going to be a bit harder than she anticipated . After a few days all three girls had their names . Brenna , Caylin and Dayna . So far , being so young , the infants mostly slept and that made life a little easier . Rosetta napped when she could , and took care of Rylan . When the babies were up , Rylan watched them with mild curiosity . It looked to Rosetta like he thought they might be aliens from another planet . He hadn 't spoken much since the girls had been brought home , mostly just observed . He played by himself while his mommy or daddy took care of the new babies , and when it was his turn with them he giggled and played happily . He asked for things when he needed or wanted them and nearly always got what he requested . Eventually he found that his parents had enough time and love for all four of their babies , and he wasn 't going to be left out . After that he started talking again , babbling about anything and everything , like he usually did . He even talked to his sisters about what he was doing and what he thought they needed to do - they seemed to like listening to him . David didn 't slack in his baby care , he helped out in as many ways as he could . He would feed the girls and Rylan in the mornings if Rosetta wanted to sleep in , then bathe them and play with them all . He let his wife have enough time to get up , get showered dressed and eat before he would go to the park for his practice . As much as he wanted to be home with his family , he had to make some money to keep them going . The months went by as quick as they possibly could . One day when David came home from working , he entered a completely silent house . The sound of it was unnerving . He didn 't think he 'd heard silence in the last four years of his life , basically since Rylan had come into the world . Instantly he thought something might be wrong so he raced up the stairs . When he reached the top he heard the soft tinkling of a lullaby playing . He slowed down to quiet his steps . Looking into the room at the top of the stair he saw all of his girls sleeping . The triplets were all in their own swings , and Rosetta was passed out on the small couch they had gotten . He smiled at the sight . When David walked into his bedroom he found that Rylan was asleep in there too . David and Rosetta had tried to put Rylan in his own room after the second floor was added , as they had planned , but when they did he would just cry and cry . So they moved him back into their room again . Instead , they went ahead and bought a twin bed to get him ready for when he grows out of that crib . By then he 'll have no choice but to go to his own room . David cleaned up their bedroom a bit , picked up a few toys that were scattered around and made the bed . Rylan woke and smiled at his father . " Daddy home , Daddy home ! Hi daddy ! " " Heya buddy . Shhh . Mommy is still sleeping . " David said to the tot . " No , I 'm up . Welcome home dear , I didn 't hear you come in . " Rosetta said , sleepily , from the doorway . David walked over and wrapped his wife in a hug , then he kissed her . When he pulled away he laughed a little . " Oh Rose , you wouldn 't have heard a tornado coming through . The only thing your ears are tuned to anymore are children 's voices . Not that it 's a problem . Oh , I stopped at the store on my way home today , because I got paid , and I bought the girls some cribs . They are downstairs to be brought up , unassembled . " " That 's great . You take care of Rylan and I 'll go down to start bringing them up . " Rosetta left before he had a chance to disagree with her plan . It wasn 't long before he heard her pulling the boxes up the stairs . He tickled Rylan and talked to him before taking him downstairs to feed him dinner . David brought Rylan back up to the second story when the little one finished eating . It was getting close to bedtime , so they wanted to stay upstairs . He brought the toddler to the little potty seat so he could use it . David went out of the door , Rylan following close behind . The two of them sat down on the rug and started a game . When his son tired of that game , David was quick to switch to a word game to keep his sons language skills sharp . Just at that time though , Rosetta came out of the girls ' room . " Whew , okay well I got them all up here , and put two of them together . Now my hands hurt though , so the last one is yours to do . I 'll take him . " She said to her husband . He smiled at her before rising to his feet , " No problem . I 'll get it there . I have magical skills you know , it 'll be done in a jiffy . " Rosetta scooped Rylan up in her arms . She watched David go and then asked the toddler if he would snuggle with her for a few minutes . Rylan was quick to say his usual ' yes yes ' . She went over to the rocking chair and sat down with him . Her son laid his head on her shoulder while they rocked back and forth . This was one of the only times where you would find the little one so quiet . He enjoyed the snuggle time with his mommy , and sometimes even dozed off into a nap . David came out about twenty minutes later saying that the cribs were ready . Rosetta stood and handed Rylan over . She then picked up one triplet at a time , snuggled her , fed her , burped her and laid her in a crib . David had picked out three different colors , he based his selection on the colors the girls ' seem drawn to most . Caylin likes blue best , Dayna tends to prefer grey things and Brenna leans more toward green toys . To his dismay , none of his little ladies seemed to like pink much . Dayna was the last to go in her crib . Rosetta played with her and snuggled her before laying her down . She stood after all of the girls were settled in and watched them . She never dreamed she would have this many babies to tend to at once , and it was tough sometimes , but she was loving every minute of it . Time seemed to fly by everyday . Before they knew it the girls were about to celebrate their first birthdays . The months went by and the girls got bigger every day . Rosetta and David both made sure to spend some special time with Rylan daily because they didn 't want him to feel left out . As the girls had gotten older they needed attention more frequently so it often felt like most of their time was taken up by caring for the triplets . David was normally the one to get his son out of bed in the morning , since Rosetta usually was cooking breakfast for everyone when the little one woke . David would always give him a few snuggles and tickle his sides to get him laughing first thing . He 'd then change his clothes and play with him in the upstairs den before bringing him down to eat . Rylan would come back upstairs with both parents to get the girls up from their morning naps . He would wander off to David and Rosetta 's room , where he still slept , and play with David 's old toy . He had spotted it one day from his crib and was instantly attached . Every day he found time to seek it out and play with it , he would sing it songs and cuddle it . At first David hadn 't wanted him to play with it , for fear of it coming apart while the toddler was holding it . He knew it was an old toy and was just worried for the boy , but eventually he gave in . David felt proud of the fact that his little man knew the difference between things that were toys , and things that were not his . He always heard horror stories from other families with toddlers that got into things they shouldn 't , or broke things around the house that they played with when they weren 't supposed to . Rylan never did anything like that . He only ever got things that were given to him , or things he knew were toys . One day , Sonia had come over early to help Rosetta with anything that needed to be done in prep of the babies ' birthday party . Rosetta had told her there wasn 't much left to do so they could just hang out for a while . They stayed upstairs where all the kids were and Sonia played a video game while Rosetta watched . Rylan even came out of his parents bedroom to see what his Auntie Sonia was doing . He sat and watched the game for a while also . " Race race ! " He 'd said . " No Auntie , the purple car , purple not yellow . Yay ! " Sonia laughed at him and did whatever he asked in the game . After a time though , Rylan wandered off to play with other things . She put the game away so she could better talk to Rosetta . " So anyway , we 've been living together for a week or two now , Steve and I . He 's real nice . Actually we 're going to dinner later , so remind me not to eat much cake . He 's working this afternoon , or he 'd be coming to the party too . " " That 's so great that you and him came together . I 'm happy for you . " Rosetta said . " When can I expect you to have a baby ? " Sonia laughed a little , " Oh I don 't know , we haven 't talked about it . We 'll need a bigger place if that is to happen . I 'd love a little one of course , and wish I had one the same age as yours . " Quite a few months have passed since I came back home . Rylan gets bigger every day , he 's almost crawling around ! Just another month or so at best and he 'll be all over the place . I 'm so proud of our little man that I could burst . All that tummy time we gave him really paid off , he 's up on his hands and knees all the time , rocking back and forth and smiling . Like he really wants to go somewhere but hasn 't figured out to move his hands and knees properly yet . It 's so cute to watch him , I could do it all day . I 've gotten back into the habit of doing my garden work every morning . Though I 'm not sure how long that will last once I go back to work . I am kind of losing interest in it though , it takes my time away from my guys . So any plants that reach the end of production I will just recycle and not replant . Maybe when I retire , or have no baby to care for I 'll start gardening again . For now though , I 'll let it pass on . I 've been away from work since Rylan was born , they 've given me all the time I wish actually and I 'm just not ready to go back quite yet , but maybe soon . I just want the baby to be a bit older I guess . I keep thinking they are going to call me and ask when I am planning to come back . They never do thankfully . Rosetta came in from the garden and she found David sitting in the living room reading , while Rylan sat in his swing . The baby was going in and out of consciousness as David stood and approached his wife . He had a look in his eyes that Rosetta had come to know well , but hadn 't seen in a time . They twinkled in the light , reflecting his inner feelings without having to say a word . Rosetta felt her body heat just from his look . Her breath quickened . It had been a while since she felt his mood in this manner . The baby came when the two of them got back together , then after he was born it 's not like she could just jump back into bed . She needed time to heal , for her body to rejuvenate . When David wrapped his arms around her she nearly started peeling her clothes off right away . She restrained herself though and let him do what he would , even though any seduction was unnecessary . He kissed her lips tenderly , then trailed his kisses down her jawline . When he reached her neck she let out a pleasurable moan . She gasped lightly when she felt his teeth touch her skin , biting her gently . Her pulse quickened and her blood felt like it was boiling . She felt the tingling all the way down her spine . His muscles tightened under her fingers as she gripped his back , hugging him close . Rosetta felt like her knees were just about to give out when he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to the bedroom . It still amazed her how strong he really was . Pretty soon they were celebrating Ryan 's first birthday . They decided to keep it small , no party really just the family . Rylan hadn 't been introduced to many people , and they didn 't want to overwhelm him . The day after his birthday , while David went to the park to perform his magic for tips , Rosetta took little Rylan shopping for new clothes . He had grown out of most everything they had , except a pair or two of pants . Rylan seemed happy to be fully clothed . He fell into a fit of giggles when his mommy popped a shirt over his head . She took it off and put it on again , just to hear him laugh . In between listening to his peels of laughter and struggling to get shoes on wiggling feet , Rosetta finally got Rylan dressed then she put him in his swing for a bit while she cleaned up the house . David came home , from putting on a magic show for tips , while Rosetta had started to potty train the little toddler . Since the two of them were busy , David took it upon himself to start some dinner . He was just putting it on the stove when Rosetta walked in carrying Rylan . " Hey you . I didn 't hear you come in . " She smiled warmly at David when he glance over his shoulder . " Thanks for starting dinner , I was just about to do that . " She set Rylan in his chair and brought out some homemade baby food for him to eat . Rylan had learned fast to eat solid food instead of a bottle . Rosetta watched as he grabbed handfuls of food in his little fists and shoved it in his mouth . She didn 't mind the mess at all , she even found it kind of cute the way he ate . " Oh , David what are are we going to do ? He 's getting so big , I don 't want him to grow anymore . What happens when he gets older ? " He kissed her cheek . " We 'll talk about that later . I 'm going to run out to the store before they close tonight . Do you mind ? I just want to get a few things . " Rosetta shook her head and glanced toward Rylan , " We don 't mind . Come back soon though . We 'll miss you . " She kissed his lips and he left . David was only gone a few hours before he returned with his purchases . As soon as he walked through the door , Rylan was there to greet him , begging to be picked up . His father was happy to oblige and bent down to scoop him up into his arms . David snuggled and kissed his boy . " I bought you a few things ! I got you some new stuffed animals and a rocking horse , you might be a little young for the horse as of yet , but you never know . I got you a magic wand too , so you can practice being like daddy if you want to . " He waited for a moment , but when Rylan said nothing David chuckled . " We have to get you talking little man . Come on let 's go have some lessons . " Setting Rylan on the floor , David scooped up the rocking horse and a bag of stuffed animals to take into the den for his son to play with . He was happy the rocking horse was already built , and didn 't require any assembly . He sat on the floor and checked it out to make sure it was safe though , before he would let his son near it . David felt a tug on his shirt and scooted around to face Rylan . It was then they started their speech lessons . Rylan seemed to want to learn , and picked up words quickly . Sometimes though he used them in the wrong context and it made David or Rosetta laugh . Gently they would correct him and tell him the word he was actually looking for . The toddler would always giggle and clap his hands then say , " Yes yes . " There was never more than two corrections and he never messed up the same word again . Rylan was a very fast learner and always hungered for more . A few weeks after Rylan 's birthday I started having to get up in the night to empty my stomach . Also in the mornings I was always ill and could hardly hold my breakfast down . It didn 't take me long to figure out I was pregnant again . This time though , I was prepared and unafraid . I 've been through it once , and I can do it again . Not tough at all , and two babies won 't be hard either . I mean Rylan is a joy , a perfect angel . He never gives me any trouble at all . I think he 'd love to have a little brother or sister to play with too . I find myself excited about it , the thought of another child . We 'll be the perfect family , two adults , two children . Maybe we can look into getting a dog or cat after this one is old enough . I can 't wait to tell David either . I 'm sure he 'll be thrilled too . I was still in the bathroom when I heard Rylan fussing a little , and David coming to get him . Since the baby was taken care of , I brushed my teeth , and showered while I was in there . I stared at myself in the mirror for a minute and couldn 't wipe the goofy smile off my face . Rosetta came into the kitchen and sat down at the table , just looking at her husband . He was eating pancakes , his favorite , as was Rylan . David had cut the baby 's up real small and put only a small amount of syrup on it . The boy seemed delighted with the meal , it being the first time he 'd had pancakes . David finally noted that he was being stared at and turned a questioning eye at Rosetta . " Do I have something on my face ? " He rubbed his cheeks and forehead . He nearly choked on that last bite . David forced himself to swallow before coughing twice . Fast as a fox he was on his feet and pulling her to her own . " Are you serious ? That 's awesome ! " David hugged her tight and then pulled back to look at her . " I hope it 's a girl . We 've got a little me crawling around , I want a little you too ! " Rosetta was smiling again . She was glad to see that she was right in her assumption about his reaction . " Speaking of the little you . I hope he takes to this okay . Having another baby around . What do you think ? " " Oh I think he 'll do splendidly . He 'll have a playmate are you kidding ? Not to mention a sibling to torture . Someone to pinch or wrestle and argue with . " " Just promise me something . " Rosetta said as she grinned at him , " No more shopping okay ? We won 't need anything new , we can just use what Rylan has . Two babies isn 't going to be much different than just one . " " Ahh . " David looked like he was having a hard time making that promise , but he laughed . " Ahh . . . okay , okay . But if it 's a girl she 'll need some pink things ! All the things he has are boy colors ! " Over the next few weeks David made good on his promise and had not bought anything new . He went to the park nearly every day to practice his act and earn some money doing it . Every week he would get at least one gig and performed admirably . Rosetta had been trying to teach Rylan to walk on his own for the last week . He seemed to be potty trained completely already , which thrilled both parents , and was talking just fine . The only thing left that he really needed to work on was his balance . During one of their lessons Rosetta suddenly had to use the bathroom . She stood and rubbed her stomach for a second remembering why she had to pee so frequently . She smiled to herself as she left Rylan , " Be right back baby , and we 'll keep trying . " She left the bathroom door open so she could keep an eye or ear out for the baby . It always made her nervous when she didn 't know exactly what was going on with him . Rosetta glanced out of the door just before she got down to business and saw something that made her heart sing . Rylan was walking all on his own . She had never been so proud of him . She stood and watched him for a moment as he practiced , not wanting him to know she had seen him . She feared that he would stop if he knew her eyes were on him . The urge hit her again and she had to stop watching him to finally use the toilet . When she finished she pulled out her phone and called David . She spilled the news just as soon as he picked up . She didn 't want to keep him so she made the conversation short . It wasn 't but just a moment after she hung up with him when she realized how odd it actually was for him to have answered . Normally he wouldn 't when he was doing an act for tips . She thought it strange , but dismissed it and went back to watching Rylan . He had stopped walking and was playing with his xylophone by that time though . Only five minutes later David came through the front door . " I have some news dear . I think you might like it . Lets sit down in the den and chat . " She embraced him and agreed to do as he said . It was a surprise for him to be home so early , and she delighted in the small curveball . David walked with his arm on her waist when they sat he threw his arm over her shoulder and leaned in close . " So . I 'm going to admit that I didn 't work today . " He said , looking at her . She raised an eyebrow but waited for him to continue . He smiled wide . " I went to a contractor . I 've hired someone to build a second story on our house . They are also going to pave the driveway and walkway . " Rosetta was wide eyed . This was something she hadn 't expected at all . It was possibly even the farthest thing from her mind . " Wow . Wow . Yeah . How much is that going to be ? " David waved his hand in a dismissive manner . " Ahh , no big deal . We still have a good amount of money from selling most of the wedding gifts we were given . The crappy or pointless ones anyway . " " Well in that case - that 's great . I 'm so glad you thought of that . Rylan will need his own room soon , he 'll be too big to keep sleeping with us . " Her eyes widened again , but then she laughed . " Okay , that 's fine . Oh , this is exciting . We haven 't made any changes to the house in a while . " During the construction , which took a few months , David would go to work for tips at the park , and fulfill his weekly gig while Rosetta and Rylan would either come with him , or spend the majority of the day with Sonia . Rylan adored his Auntie Sonia and delighted in her company each time they visited . Rosetta and Sonia often watched a movie together while Rylan played on the floor . Sometimes he would even watch the TV as well . He always brought a toy or two with him though , to keep him occupied . " So , Rosetta hon you look like you 're gaining a bit of weight . " Sonia smiled and winked at her best friend . " You must be settled in and happy . " Rosetta gasped with surprise , it had just hit her that she hadn 't told Sonia yet that she was expecting . " What ? Did I offend you . I 'm sorry I thought girlfriends were supposed to do that . " Sonia said , shocked at the reaction she had gotten from her lighthearted fun poking . " What ? ! How could you forget to tell me such a thing ? " Sonia was shocked . " How far along are you ? I mean obviously you 're showing now , so you must be what . . . ? " Laughing , Rosetta continued . " I guess with the construction and all , I 've just had my mind on that . Sorry , but yeah I forgot . Yes , I think I 'm about halfway through , actually maybe more . David and I are both just ecstatic over it . That 's was the main reason behind getting the second story actually . So Rylan and his brother or sister could have their own rooms . Um . Excuse me , I have to use the bathroom . " Sonia laughed and said ' okay ' while Rosetta walked by . She scooped up Rylan and tickled him , " I hear you 're going to have a sister or brother ! Are you excited ? I know I am for you . You 're going to love having another kid around . " Rylan said " Brother , I want boy . Mommy told me ' bout baby . " He scrunched up his face a little . " Better be boy like me , share my toys . Daddy said girl baby like pink . I don 't like pink . " Sonia laughed . " Oh . Well some girls like pink . I don 't myself . My favorite color is black so see , not all girls do . " Rosetta came out then and deemed that it was time to head back home . " Thanks for letting us use you during the day by the way . It 's nice to get away from the noises , but not have to go all the way to the park . Especially if it 's hot out . I don 't know he does it . I 'm thankful for the shelter . " She hugged Sonia . " Oh no problem . I 'm happy to have you here . You give me company , Rylan is such a joy . Well I guess I 'll see you tomorrow . " The construction finished just as Rosetta had predicted . She figured she 'd have to dust nearly every day for a week or more to keep the remnants of construction to a minimum . There seemed to be white grit everywhere . David helped cleanup everything he could , paint spots or what ever he might run across during daily life . They had tons of room now , but that made Rosetta realize that they didn 't have enough stuff to fill it up . That was okay with her , as she figured they would start filling in the empty spaces soon enough . As of now their bank account was nearly down to double digits , so they couldn 't get anything right away . One morning Rosetta just couldn 't sleep anymore . She felt like her nerves were just doing everything they could to jump out of her skin . She got out of the bed and checked Rylan . He was still sound asleep so she decided to take a bath . David must have gotten out early to do his magic act and didn 't wake her . Rosetta spent about an hour in the bathtub , just soaking . She wished that she had had some bubbles but they were out . Finally feeling relaxed , she stepped out of the tub , dried off and dressed . When she came out of the bathroom Rylan was awake and sitting up in his crib . " Momma ! Morgin momma ! " " Oh , that 's okay honey , I got it . Let 's go get you some breakfast ! How 's that sound ? What would you like ? " She carried Rylan down the stairs and set him in his highchair . She got his oatmeal ready and gave it to him with a spoon . He didn 't use the spoon . Rosetta smiled at him , " You 'll have to start using a spoon eventually you know . " " Yeah I know . You like making a mess . " She was grinning at him . When she turned around she saw David coming in the room . Her grin turned to a warm smile . " Hey honey , I was wondering where you were off to . " " Oh I was just out in the garden . You don 't have to do it today , it 's taken care of . So no bending over or squatting needed . " He reached out and put a hand to her stomach . " No offense dear but you look like you 're about to pop . Isn 't the due date soon ? " She smiled and nodded . " Yes , just a week and a half away . I 'm ready for it though . My nerves are shot , and I don 't know how much longer I can handle this back pain . It 's worse this time than when I was carrying Rylan in there . " David looked at her with concern . " I 'm sorry honey , I wish I could help . Even my magic massages don 't seem to help ease the pain for you . Why don 't you go sit down and relax while I tend to your first born . " She left the room and David went to the highchair where Rylan had finished sucking down his breakfast . " Eww . Oatmeal boy . Let 's get you cleaned up and out of this chair . " Rylan giggled as his daddy wiped his face and hands with a warm cloth . " Fun mess daddy ! Ticky mess ! Peek - a - boo ? " David smiled . He loved the fact that a topic change could happen in an instant with his son . It went from one thing to another so fast that he could make any ones head spin . " Sure sure , peek - a - boo it is . Come on kid . " He pulled Rylan out and set him right there on the floor , sitting down cross legged with him . Games with his daddy were always a delight for Rylan . He would burst into a fit of laughter and clap his hands whenever he was surprised by Davids face appearing from behind his big hands . His father would then smile wide and clap with the baby . David was such a kid himself in so many ways that he seemed to know exactly how to make his little one smile , or laugh . It seemed to come so natural to him . David loved the sound of his child laughing so much that it had become his goal in life - to hear that sound every day . He had not been let down yet . During one of the laughter fits from the young one , David heard Rosetta in the other room . " David . I 'm having contractions . I just know it . " She came waddling around to the kitchen archway , she had just arrived when the floor was suddenly wet . " Oh , that 'd be my water breaking . It 's time . " She smiled at her family , which was about to get just a little bit bigger . " Rylan , your little brother or sister is on the way . Let 's go to the hospital to get taken care of okay ? " " Okey mommy . Sorry daddy , no more peek - a - boo . Later ? " Rylan asked . He watched his daddy smile , but keep his eyes on his momma while he picked him up off the floor . Everyone headed outside . They took the limo to the ER this time , instead of having David drive . To be continued . . . |
So lets go back to when he was just a little tike , just him , his real father , his mother and a dog , living in Beverly Hills , not rich , but had their own house , and the father with a good job working in special effects animation for the Technicolor Corporation . Dog was the offspring of Lassie , I don 't know which Lassie , but one of the ones on TV and movies over the years , trained by a professional to guard , you guessed it , the boy ! He still has a picture of him and this dog ; he even remembers a couple of adventures with said dog , whose name was Robbie . So everything was going fine , he probably would have grown up spoiled , or at least a bit of snob if things had continued on as they were during this period . Both came from decent families , especially the Father , his grandmother was the first women superintendent of schools for Oklahoma City , also making her the first women in the state to hold such a position . So the stock was good , if you give any credence to those kinds of things . Then it got worse ! About this time , the life of this little family went into the crapper ! The father had brain cancer . Cancer , being extremely misunderstood at the time , had been misdiagnosed as some kind of dental infection , so the VA in their vast wisdom sent him to the dentist for a year on and off until they finally realized , from a Doctor outside the VA system , what the real problem was . He had served in WWII as a combat photographer in all three major campaigns of the European conflict , was still in the reserves , hence the VA was where he was getting his medical care . The cancer was not treatable , so as his health declined they treated the pain as best they could , but the house was lost , the job the Father reluctantly had to give up ! As time went by his mother and he moved to a small apartment in Venice on the last block before the canals started , and one block off the Venice beach . Then things got even worse . The mother was kind of a party gal , beautiful , and lonely . She had been a wild child and several years younger than her husband . She had settled down with married life under his influence , but the father was by this time spending a lot of time in the hospital and coming home only when his health permitted . He spent every second of that time with his son , and the son is not sure if he allotted much time to the mother , adding to her loneliness ! Also about this time , the mother became pregnant with their second child , and by the time the sister was born , the cancer had spread so that the father was not coming home much at all , so she had no memories of him . The mother of course found work , and became the breadwinner with two small children to look after . Then it got worse ! In order to work full time , the mother had sent the son to board with a full time caretaker , if you will . This caretaker had three children who went home at night , one other like him that stayed all week and only went home on the weekends , and a son of her own , who I think was probably the son of Satan . He was a few years older than the boy of our story who was preschool and kindergarten age while there . Needless to say , he did not like it . His sister had not been born when he first got there , and when she was born they would not take an infant , so his mother had to make other arrangements . His father had always driven a Cadillac convertible , and he had just traded up for a new one when he found out what was really wrong with him . The mother did not drive , so the car was stored and not driven . She traded it to the landlord where he , and now a sister lived with the mother in Venice for childcare while she worked . Then it got worse . The father was still alive , but almost continually in the hospital and medicated heavily against the pain . She started dating , never handling being alone well , and she was probably also scared of being left on her own with two children to raise . This is supposition , as he was not around later on to ask her these questions , as you will see as his story develops . He however chalks some of it up to her being a party girl and not willing to give it up . She would leave him at the caretakers on weekends quite often if it interfered with a party or date . Plus she would show up with men to pick him up as she did not drive and the bus and trolley cars took up a lot of travel time back and forth . After a while , husband still alive , but now confined to the hospital , she moved these boyfriends in the apartment , but most did not last long , not with two kids in the mix ! This was a good thing for the boy as the men often got physical , with her and with him ! The baby so far was safe . But then it got worse ! Just before his father passed , she met the man she was to spend the rest of her life with . Well our boy heard the mother survived his passing , but that was many , many years later . He was , I think unknown to the mother at first , an alcoholic , wino is the correct term for what he actually was , con man , thief , wife beater of wife number one , and soon of the mother , breaking bones and cutting her up with fists to the face . He would not allow her to get medical help of course , and she never left him over any of it , she just hit the bottle with him , and they both went on a lifetime drunk . And now we get to one of the reasons I am telling you this story . The mother got a social security death benefit monthly for both children because of the real fathers passing . It wasn 't much , but enough they could stay in wine and cigarettes without having to work very much . They would move a lot , rent an apartment , then wait to be evicted , never paying rent again for the 90 days the eviction took , then the stepdad , well not really even that , he did not marry the mother for years , would steal an old beater car , rip out the back seat , pack our belongings up , stick his sister and him up on top of this pile in the back seat and leave the area , usually state , then do the same over again . The boy never went to school . They always stayed in rural areas so the boy could pick fruit , beans , peas , carrots , potatoes , cotton , or pretty much anything that grew ! He was big for his age , he was almost 7 when this period in his life started , eleven when it changed , realizing I did not say it was over , just changed . During this period , both parents were drunk all the time . There was never any food in the house , just wine and cigarettes . Once in a while the stepfather would buy a bag of beans , some flower , and powdered milk when the checks came in , but only if the mother happened to be sober enough to complain and make him . No yeast , no salt and pepper , and if there was such a thing as Bisquick back then , they never got any , so they had unleavened bread and pancakes with nothing on them except some boiled beans if lucky , and cooked by a small boy . So the boy usually , and I hate to write this about the boy , stole any kind of food he could lay his hands on . It was common during this period in history for women to put baked goods in the windowsill to cool by supper . The boy could smell food for mile , so the local cooks , mothers , and housekeepers learned to keep their baked good inside the house out of reach after his family moved into the neighborhood . You have to understand he was responsible for feeding his sister as well as himseThe stepfather by this time was in the habit of beating the mother frequently , whenever he imagined he had been wronged , with was pretty much all the time ! He had also happened on a plan in where he would rent what he called flop space to anyone by the night in whatever apartment we had landed in , thereby allowing him to stay even more drunk . It did nothing to increase any groceries or anything else in the house . He and his sister wore clothes from goodwill or from some religious charity or other , neither wore shoes , and since we always wintered in southern California , then followed the crops north in the spring , winding up with fruit picking until late fall in Idaho , was basically never . The people he let stay in the vicinity of the children were winos like himself , drug addicts , and prostitutes . The prostitutes were actually preferred by the boy , as they were usually nice to him and his sister , and sometimes brought food to them if they stayed more than a night . Yes , they sometime brought in customers , he and his sister would sleep on the floor in the same room with the parents while this was going on , because they were using the couch if available , and the floor if not . Luckily the sister was too young to realize what was going on , and her brother never mentioned it . Of course she is probably reading this now and cussing up a blue streak ! Then it got worse ! The boy was eleven by now , and feeling like he should do something about the stepdad and his beatings , if nothing else . He did not beat the sister , but the boy was another matter . He was a mean drunk , never beat on anyone sober , so the boy had learned to keep all doors and windows unlocked and escape paths planned , so mostly he got away . The mother , usually also drunk was not so lucky . In the last place they all lived together , the mother would try to escape out the back door of the two - room apartment they were living in . They had to use a gas station or the alley if they needed to relieve themselves . It had an ice box , no running water , and they never put ice in the box , so you can see it was pretty basic , even for them ! Well as I was saying the mother would always run for that back door , sometimes making it , but always getting caught before she got very far , then drug back in by the hair . There was a tree in this alleyway , a pretty big tree , with limbs coming out over the area where this back door was . So the boy built a crude platform , found a an old abandoned truck tire and rim and levered it up into that tree and positioned it over that rear door . Whenever he knew they were fighting , or were about to , as he was very good at discerning when the stepfather was going to blow , he would position himself with his truck tire and rim , and wait . One day the mother actually made it out the door , and with him all set in his tree ! As soon as she cleared the little mud porch , he rolled his tire of its perch , hoping of course that the stepfather was right behind her . Well the stepfather was a little too quick . The giant missile missed , just barely , destroying the porch in back of him as he reeled out of the door and after the mother . He stopped , drunk as a skunk , looked at the porch and the tire and rim , never looked up and disappeared back in the house . The boy decided he had better get down out of that tree . Then things got worse ! Just previous to moving into this shack in Idaho , as it turned out , they had been on a ranch where his brother in law was foreman . I don 't think they got much work out of him , plus everything that was not nailed down went missing . The reason this is mentioned at all is because the brother - in - law had loaned the stepfather a pump 22 rifle with a tube loader capable of holding a multitude of rounds so that he could shoot rabbits and supply them with some meat while they lived there . When he pulled his midnight hat trick and disappeared from the ranch one night with his beater car he forgot to return said rifle . So just as the boy hit the ground at the base of the tree he staggered back through that door with that damn rifle in his hands and proceeded to unload it at the boy . New this alley butted up against the back of this shack and had high wooden fences on both sides for about fifty yards . The boy probably broke every record for broken field running that day . He survived , but the last thing he heard was the stepfathers voice promising that he would kill him first chance he got . Then things got worse ! The boy knew everyone that he could go to for food , and sometimes even a night , but he knew if he pushed it he would wind up in an orphanage , and he knew he did not want that . The stepfather and his mother had gotten in trouble with the law , but because of the children had been put on probation . They were being watched too closely , and in a small town , so they had to quit drinking . They both wound up the DT 's and where put in the hospital . You can look that up if you don 't know what the DT 's are . I don 't know where sister was , but anyway he escaped and found the rest of them ready to leave in the stolen car in the middle of the night , abandoning him , he assumed if he had not managed to show up on his own . Well that experience terrified him of ever having to live in one of those places . They did not place you with families back them , at least not until you had spent some time warehoused in one of these facilities . So he snuck back and watched the goings on , figuring that the beater car was going to show up and off they would go . He was right . Now the stepfather , most of the time did not remember a lot of what went on when he was stinking drunk , but as this was a major occurrence , and the fact that he obviously knew enough to get out of town , showing back up was a dangerous and a calculated risk , but he did not want to abandon his sister , so just as they were ready to cast off as it were , he crawled in on top of the pile in the back seat with his sister and hoped for the best . Then it got different , or worse , depending on how you look at it . The stepfather had several relatives living in Idaho , in particular his parents , whose father was an evangelical preacher . He also had two brothers , one a preacher in an Assembly of God church , commonly called holy rollers as they supposedly spoke in ancient tongues when visited by the Holy Ghost . The other brother extremely religious and wanting to be a minister himself . I will not go further in my description here , as it will surely not be welcomed by some of my readers . The stepfather was the black sheep , it is surmised by the boy of our story , as a kind of rebellion over his strict upbringing and maybe an overuse of the proverbial switch , but that is also just a guess . At any rate nothing was said as they left and went straight to the stepfathers parents house an hour or so away . They needed to borrow money , borrow being used incorrectly here , in order to go back to California . When they got there , he took his sister , hid her , told the step grandfather what had occurred and told him if he did not hid them out , he would run away permanently this time , and try to take his sister with him . This was just before his twelfth birthday . The step grandfather actually agreed , told the mother and stepfather he did not know where the children were , but that he would find them and keep them for the winter . He gave the pair some travelling money , and they went on to California , not a care in the world . He has not seen them since . And then it got worse . I am about to alienate some step relatives of the boy and girl in this story , but it cannot be helped . The grandfather farmed the sister out to the minister of the Assembly of God church , and the boy to the younger brother , splitting them up , but at least they were safe , physically at least . I know more about the boys circumstance than the sister , even though for the next couple of years they lived in the same small remote town in Idaho , but saw very little of each other . Both brothers assumed that the brother and sister were the spawn of evil , I guess because they knew what and who the brother was , and assumed that evil was catching . So they set out to save their souls and remake them into good little Christians . So the boy embarked on a journey we will call the beatings of education and righteousness . The boy had never been to school , so they stuck him in the sixth grade , he had taught himself how to read since the stepfather lost consciousness a lot while driving and he had taught the boy how to drive . He did all of the driving except if he had to drive through a town , then he would stop and wait for the stepfather to wake . He had gotten a reading primer and used it to sound out words so he could read road signs , as getting lost got him beaten ! He did not however know his ABC 's , his multiplication tables , how to write , except for some basic printing . So here is how it went . If the boy said , for example pitcher , when in fact he was looking at a picture , it was worth two swats for the first offence , bent over , drawers dropped with a paddle with holes drilled in it so it would not slow down from air pushing against it as it came whistling down on his bottom and the back of his legs . The next infraction or misuse of the English language caused the swats to be doubled , but a limit was put at twenty . This was also done to him for leaving a room with lights still on , using words like heck and darn , leaving an axe in a chopping block , and the list of rules went on , and on , and on . He was also the wood splitter , the The boy had decided to run away , but he lived in a remote area and there was only two ways out , one north , the other south , and miles and miles from any other towns . The family he was living with had a scheduled reunion , taking place with same step grandfather who had placed him where he was . This location however was in southern Idaho and gave him the opportunity he was looking for . When they went to the reunion he had put together an escape pack , and one night late he headed out . A women , a women not related except by marriage to these people , unknown to him had been trying to get him and his sister away from them . She had somehow figured out what he was up to . Promised him that she would get him away , he just needed to go back and play it cool for a couple weeks . She said that after she got him , she would treat him exactly as she treated her own , and that she was working on getting the sister also . He agreed , she came through , kept every promise she ever made to him . Things got way better ! So I do not believe for a moment I have fooled any of you about the identity of this boy . If you go to my blogs and read a thank you to Council , it sums up the story where this one leaves off . I wrote this , for many reasons , I needed to get it off my chest , I needed good friends who may not understand why I get pissed off when hungry children , abused children , or any of a multitude of sins against children is made light of , or said to be their own fault , and that we do not owe them any help . If I had not been rescued , and able to live with the good people I finally did , I shutter to think what I might have become . As it is , by senior year this boy was basically a straight A student . He was the editor of the school paper , and had been the year before , He had been class president , he was on the student council as a senior , he was one of the captains of an undefeated football team that same year , and a starter in basketball , and pitcher for the baseball team . He was the campaign manager for the winning student council president , loved school , still loves to read , is a good friend to have , loved by his family and wife of 38 years , and is a good father and husband . But not without help and the luxury of where he eventually wound up ! I have hesitated to write this for years , knowing it would not be excepted by some , but as I get older I felt more and more that I could not let this story go untold . I have been asked to write a book , and believe me , there is much more I have not told , some much worse than has been written here , more than enough for book , but I doubt I will write it as it will be a misery to write and probably more than I want to share . As I stated , some feelings undoubtedly were hurt here , but if I wrote the whole truth and I attest that what I have written is the hard truth , some people would just go mad . I am sure I am going to have to suffer through some backlash as it is , but you that know me well may have a little better understanding of what makes me tick . Even I while reading this , realizing beingShare this : FacebookEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . Comments James Mahon says : December 9 , 2012 at 8 : 56 pm When I worked for the VA specializing in Psych ( PTSD ) and Substance Abuse , I encouraged all patients to find a way to exercise ghosts . By ghosts I mean the events that are hidden in the back of your mind ; until they are brought out into the light of day , turned this way and that , investigated for what they are , they have the tendency to continue to grow and eat at your soul . The only way to put them in perspective , to exercise them , is to bring them into the light of day , to turn them this way and that , so they can be seen for what they are , not for just what you imagined them to be . The events , of course , do not go away , but they do stop growing , and festering ; it is then possible to lose your fear of them , hopefully lessoning their hold on you . This story is a perfect example of exercising ghosts . You had shared parts of the story with me before , some of which you only hinted at here . I was proud that you had felt safe enough with me to open your soul . John , I hope that it proves to be what I have imagined ; a way of putting events into perspective . and of lessening their hold on you . Brother Jim John Love says : December 10 , 2012 at 12 : 02 pm Thanks Jim , I think that it did , and I was having a dream , which has reoccurred since I was little that Paul had found me and was preparing to blow my head off with what looks like a blunderbuss . Anyway , I woke up and wrote this blog . As I wrote it I remembered things I had not even realized I knew , none of it worth putting a bow around I am afraid , but all kinds of things started drifting to the surface , things , like in a dream , have since submerged and disappeared again . So I think it was cathartic , I know it poured out of me like blood out of a wound , without me really thinking much about it , and in it 's current form , no rewrite . Not sure why I chose to write in the third person , I think it was easier to describe events without as much embarrassment . Of course I never thought for minute I was fooling anyone . It may have been a way to allow myself to write it down , I have tried for years and years , and could not . Thanks for your friendship , it is one of the most precious things I own ! Brother John > Date : Sun , 9 Dec 2012 20 : 56 : 27 + 0000 > To : john . love @ live . com > Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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Last night , we had a family Christmas party . As part of the party we played a game using white elephant gifts . Everyone brought a gift to exchange , and since they were white elephant gifts , many of the gifts were gag gifts or funny gifts . For example some of the gifts last night included an empty box full of " a lifetime of air " , candy with cleaver sayings , a canister of PlayDoh . Chance brought a funny framed picture of himself which he signed . There was also a blanket , a game and a puzzle etc . The gifts are all placed in the middle of the room and there is a bowl full of numbers that everyone draws from . When your number comes up , you pick a gift out of the center of the room . Once you open it and see what is inside , you can either keep that gift or steal a gift you want that someone else opened . Once a gift has been stolen twice , it cannot be stolen anymore and the 3rd person to have it gets to keep it . Sometimes people try to wrap their gift in a way that makes it look really appealing . And sometimes , people call out and try to get you to pick certain gifts . When it was Chance 's turn , many of his cousins called out to him telling him which gift to choose . Chance just took the magnet part of his implants off and then smiled at everyone and said , " What ? I can 't hear you ! " In the end , our family came home with some old fashioned candy and Play Doh among other gifts . We got to eat good food and visit with family . And Chance added a new twist to the game by taking off his implants when he was done hearing the suggestions of his cousins : ) Chance has been sick today and that means that he has spent most of the day without his implants on . When Chance gets a headache , he tends to just go without his implants . Of course , he still talks to us and acts like he will hear our answers . He also likes to draw all of the blinds when he sick so that it is nice and dark . We watched a devotional on television tonight and Chance still didn 't want to put on his implants . There were subtitles and Chance is excellent at reading subtitles . He really seemed to be paying attention because he was taking notes . Taking notes and reading subtitles . . . . . that takes skills . Ammon on the other hand , does not like his implant and hearing aid off when he is sick . In fact , he gets really perturbed when his implant is off for even a few minutes . He puts them on first thing in the morning and he doesn 't take them off until he is settled for the night . I wonder if this is because he had hearing with out implants and hearing aids up until about a year and a half ago . For Chance , being deaf is pretty natural . He likes that he can take his implants off and have quiet . Ammon doesn 't seem to crave the quiet of not hearing . We 'll have to see if it stays this way . We have had implants in our family now for about 9 and 1 / 2 years . In all that time , we have never permanently lost a rechargeable battery pack . Sure one would go missing every once in a while , but we always found it eventually . That has now changed . We lost a battery pack . Ammon 's new battery pack . It is new because he has had an implant for less than a year now . It happened at a birthday party . The party goers had gone to a trampoline place where kids are able to have immeasurable amounts of fun doing flips on trampolines , playing dodge ball on trampolines and jumping into foam filled pits . Now , if you are thinking that this scenario was a disaster waiting to happen , I want you to know that I planned this all out . I called the boy 's mother and we talked about the implants and had a plan . Ammon was going to wear his implant and hearing aid to the facility , then , when the boys all started dashing off to jump , he was going to give his hearing devices to the boys mother in his little yellow hard case that would offer protection . The case even has a strap to put around your wrist should you so desire . The plan played out very well at first . The kids got to the trampoline place , Ammon took off his devices and handed them to his friend 's mom as he ran up a ramp leading to a trampoline . Then the kids had fun for 2 hours . When it was time to go , Ammon got his implant and hearing aid back from the mom . He asked her where the battery pack was . She didn 't know . She didn 't realize that the implant had two parts until that moment . The search began . This woman and her husband emptied her purse where the implants were , looked around couches , got down and searched under chairs and around the foam pits . They found nothing . Then the phone rang . This poor mom asked me if Ammon had said anything about his implant at the party . I could tell she was a little nervous , then she told me that they had lost the battery pack and had searched all over the place for it , but found nothing . She felt really bad and responsible . I told her that it was part of the program when you have kids with implants and that we were not mad at them at all . She said that she had accidentally left the yellow case on the kitchen counter with some other things that she was supposed to take to the party , and had wrapped the implants and hearing aid in a napkin before putting them in her purse . She didn 't realize there were two parts to the implant until Ammon asked about them after the party . I am sure this was not a fun phone call for her to make . So , my husband and I drove down to the trampoline place . Kind of like a date where you go searching for implant parts together . Doesn 't everybody do that ? We looked under couch cushions , under chairs , around foam pits and around the dodge ball pit . We found nothing . Some of the workers helped us look and they were very nice and helpful . We left our name and number so they could call us if the battery turned up . It has been three weeks now , and the battery has not shown up . I think we may have to admit that the battery has moved on to another place . That means buying a new battery ( several hundred dollars ) , which we have not yet done . We have been surviving on disposables hoping the rechargeable one would turn up . I guess it was bound to happen eventually when you have two kids with implants in the family . By the way , if you should find this battery pack , we are looking for it . Halloween was on a weekend this year which meant more opportunities to party . And we partied all day long . We started out with Ammon 's birthday party , which involved a pinata , games and donuts . Then we headed off to Chance 's last soccer game of the season . It was a BEAUTIFUL day to be playing soccer . As the sun set , we headed over to a friend 's house for dinner and then started trick or treating through the neighborhood . The weather was so nice that it was delightful to be out and about . The kids ran from door to door saying , " Trick or Treat ! " We saw people we knew on our journey and chatted with folks as we made our rounds around the neighborhood . There was no chilly wind or rain or freezing temperatures this year . Instead , we could hear crispy leaves blowing down the road , and enjoy the walk from house to house . Naturally we had our annual theme going on which this year was Hawaiian . Since Chance studied in Hawaii this past summer , the theme only seemed appropriate . After the trick or treating , the teenagers in the house had a party . We had rootbeer with dry ice , chips and salsa and of course candy . The kids all brought a bag of candy to share . The little kids watched " A Charlie Brown Halloween , " while counting their Halloween spoils . All was going as planned . But then , Chance and his party downstairs started to watch a movie . Chance and his deaf friend came upstairs and said they needed captioning . BUT , Ammon was upstairs using the device that supplied the captioning for his Charlie Brown movie . This time last year , I was scrambling to find motivation for Ammon to wear his hearing aids . It was not uncommon for us to arrive at a store or at grandma 's house and find that Ammon had not brought his hearing aids . I was constantly checking that boy 's head to see if he had them on . He did not like to wear them and he often avoided wearing them until we made him put them on . Flash forward to this year and more specifically tonight at bedtime . Halloween is only a few days away but things are a little different now . Ammon thought that his hearing aid batteries were all gone as the ones in the case he has been using have all been used . I thought we had more but since I wasn 't sure where they were , we told Ammon that we would get some hearing aid batteries first thing tomorrow morning . That brought on much anxiety for Ammon along with some weeping and wailing . He told us in no uncertain terms that he could not wait until morning to get his batteries because if the battery currently in his hearing aid went dead , he would not be able to hear when he got up . Nothing we could say would console him . He wanted hearing aid batteries and he wanted them now . He was really upset so I told him to go lay down on his bed and I would look in one more place that could have batteries . That place was my purse . Mom 's purses are equipped with all sorts of life saving devices . I walked back to Ammon on the bed and showed him the case full of batteries from my purse . It is difficult to have a conversation with your deaf child in the dark when their implants and hearing aids are off , but I could see that he was visibly relieved and would now be able to settle down enough to sleep . What an amazing turn of events . Last year I was bribing Ammon to wear his hearing aids and tonight he could not rest until he knew he would not have to go without them even for a few minutes in the morning . Our boy likes to hear and he now sees that his hearing aid is a vital part of that process . Chance bought a new mountain bike . His brother found one in a pawn shop and it was in great shape so Chance pulled some of his money from his bank account and got himself a bike . Chance has wanted a bike for a while , especially one that can help him keep up with his brother when they go mountain biking . Chance took his bike into a local bike shop to get it tuned up and has taken his bike out for a test drive . The bike is apparently working well . Chance headed up a mountain by his grandma 's house with his brother and a friend . His friend broke his brake handle , but in the end everyone returned home okay and in one piece . There are few things that can match the beauty of the mountains in the fall when the leaves are changing colors . Riding through the fall trees on a mountain bike is exquisite . Chance went out for a ride again this weekend and came back with some battle wounds from falling off his bike while coming down a challenging mountain trail . He got right back up on the bike and told us when he got home that the fall was worth it . The mountains were beautiful and he was having a great time with his brother and a friend . I think Chance is quite happy with his mountain bike purchase . And it is a great way to enjoy the fall weather and mountain colors . I took Chance 's brother Ammon shopping with me to Costco along with his younger sister . All was well on our shopping trip and we were almost done . We were on the very last isle at the back of the store , the furthest spot from the front door , when Ammon told me in a panicked voice that his implant battery was dying . He then informed me that we were going to have to go out to the car to get a new one . Ammon didn 't have his hearing aid in , so when the implant died , he wasn 't hearing . And he didn 't like it one bit . Three separate times as we made our way to the front of the store to pay for our goods , Ammon yelled , " We have to go get a battery right now mom ! " or " Mom ! We have to go NOW ! " and " I am leaving right now mom even if you don 't come ! " Ammon of course couldn 't hear my responses and since Ammon is deaf and all , he was louder than your average shopper and he is 9 . To the typical shopper at Costco , he looked like a rather snotty child who was telling me what to do . He was telling me what to do but that is because he was panicked at not being able to hear . This is why I am very careful about judging other parents in stores or anywhere else for that matter . You just really never know what is going on . One special thing that deaf children can do when they can 't hear you , is look away so they can 't see you either . This effectivlely cuts off all communication . With your hearing kids they have to hear you even if they don 't want to . It is their curse . Deaf children can block you out by looking the other way and that is what Ammon did . I thought to myself that it had been a long time since I had a meltdown by a deaf child that couldn 't hear me in a store . What parent wouldn 't want to experience that again ? I ended up putting my arms on Ammon 's shoulders as he leaned against some crates of books . He looked away , but I put my mouth right next to his right ear and told him he would be able to hear soon , and he needed to stop yelling . Then I told him a little private joke that he and I share . I don 't even know what he heard of what I said , but he tried not to laugh and accidentally made eye contact with me again . Wow , he doesn 't like not being able to hear . I can 't blame him , he has heard all of his life until the last year . I think he is attached to this being able to hear thing . Ahhhh , Chance and I got to spend time in the sound booth again last week . We have been doing this for years now . Actually , I have not been in a booth with Chance for a while as he is old enough to listen to the beeps on his own . I went in this last week though just to see how he was doing . I love implants , I really do . They have done so much for my children and opened up a whole new world to them . They are amazing and I am so grateful for the man who invented them and for the companies who make them . Implant hearing is amazing but Chance is still deaf and does not hear as well as I do . When we sat in the booth together , we were having a great time . Chance would tease me about things and I would tease him back . Then it was time to be quiet and listen . The audiologist did the sentence test with background noise where a man says a sentence with people talking in the background and Chance repeats what he hears . The voices in the background start out low and then get louder as the sentences go on . The sentence may be something like , " She said she will come by tomorrow . " It sounds as if there is a party going on and you are listening to someone speak as several other people at the party are having their own conversations in the background . Chance did really well . He was hearing much of what was said at first . As the background noise got louder I could hear all of the sentences . Chance could not . At one point at the end , Chance just looked at the audiologist and said , " I have no idea . " At one point during the hearing test , Chance plopped his shoe up on my lap . I couldn 't say anything since it was supposed to be quiet in the booth , so I just looked at him and shrugged . He nodded back at me and I looked down to study his shoe and figure out what he was trying to get me to do . One of the tongues of his shoes was twisted and needed to be pulled back up . I adjusted that wayward tongue and then Chance smiled at me and took his foot down . Apparently that was what I was supposed to do . Unfortunately for Chance , we have one of our cars in the shop this week so this means we are short a car . This in turn means that there are less opportunities to go get his learners permit so he can start officially learning to drive . The driver 's license application asks if you consider yourself disabled under the American Disabilities Act . We are careful when we talk about Chance 's deafness with people who may not understand deafness because just telling them that Chance is deaf sometimes makes them think that he is less capable than he is . So what does it mean if you put that you are disabled on your driver 's license ? I She brought up some great points that I had not thought of before . Every parent of a deaf child should have access to a deaf adult for a resource of information about what certain things are like if you are deaf and wear an implant or hearing aid . Thank you my deaf adult friends for helping me see things in your world when I need to . Our friend told us that she marked she considered herself disabled on her license and a there is a little indicator on the license that says you are deaf if you mark that . For our friend , she may or may not have been pulled over at night and the policeman may or may not have been shining his flashlight into her eyes and so she could not see him or his lips to lip read . She may or may not have had a hard time understanding him with the light shining in her eyes and the background noise all around her . The policeman should have actually noticed that her license stated that she was deaf but he didn 't . The point is , I had not thought about Chance being pulled over and not being able to see the officer in the dark while having to battle lot of background noise . That kind of situation would be intimidating for a hearing person as being pulled over by a policeman is always a bit nerve racking and then if it is dark and the officer is shining a flashlight in our eyes while you fumble for your license and to answer questions . . . . . . . . that can be a tense situation all by itself . Add in being deaf and not being able to hear everything AND not seeing the officer very well . . . that would be horrible . Also , if Chance were to be in an accident and his implants came off , having it marked on his license that he is deaf would hopefully help first responders realize that Chance can not hear them and is not ignoring them . This could be vital information on an accident scene . We should have our car back this week . This means that Chance should have an opportunity to get his learners permit and mark that he considers himself disabled under the Americans with Disabilities Act . Chance is certainly capable of doing anything he wants to do , but having policemen and emergency personnel aware that Chance is deaf by looking at his license will help him in the long run I believe . Posted by School starts again despite the fact that Chance feels summer should not be over yet . Chance has started school again and he is so excited . He actually thinks that he got ripped off and that summer should have lasted longer , but what kid hasn 't felt that at the beginning of a new school year ? Chance had big plans to take a ZUMBA class for P . E . but alas , ZUMBA and Chinese 3 are taught the same hour so he had to choose . I think Chinese will be more beneficial in the long run , though Chance probably really would have enjoyed ZUMBA . Chance likes to get his groove on . Chance will have to take another P . E . class next semester . Chance has a full schedule like usual . He is taking math , English , history , chemistry , Chinese , health , drawing , and seminary ( a religious studies class ) . His health class is a concurrent enrollment class which means that he is taking a college level health class that will give him college credit . Guess which class he is the most nervous about ? DRAWING ! Chance says he does not feel that he can draw very well so this is the class that he is most concerned about right now . His chemistry class is loaded with some of his good friends including several from the soccer team . I hope Chance can focus sufficiently in that class : ) We bought some implant batteries that were less expensive than most of the other batteries . ( We had been told by a reputable CI user that they worked well for implants ; turns out they were hearing aid batteries , that don 't have enough power for implants , but we thought we 'd give them a try . ) At first we thought we had gotten a great deal , but alas , we have discovered that these batteries fall under the category that you get what you pay for . They only last for about 3 hours . These batteries are therefore not Chance 's favorite . We will be ordering more tomorrow so that Chance does not go crazy trying to keep his implants up and running . ( He ran out of the better ones and so has to fall back to these less powerful batteries until new ones arrive . ) ( On another note on implant batteries : When buying the disposables , we have always bought the " recommended " PowerOne brand batteries . The last time we needed to order , we actually ordered a variety pack to try several different brands , and tracked their life and performance . Turns out the winner - at least for Chance 's use - is the ZeniPower brand - they cost about 30 % less , and last about 30 % longer . So that 's the brand we 'll be buying again tomorrow ) . We learned this week that insurance companies will pay for pacemaker batteries but not implant batteries because implant batteries are outside the body and not inside the body . The fact that the implants are implanted inside the head apparently does not matter since the batteries are on the outside . It is exhausting just thinking about how insurance people come up with some of these rules . I will have to dedicate an entire post to that issue on another day . I need to probe deeper into this situation . What class is this girl in ? Chance needs the use his ears really bad in math , English . science , history , Chinese and health . Perhaps drawing is a class he can loose his ears in ? He can just watch what the other students are drawing and try to follow ? He can perhaps read the teachers lips if he is sitting up close enough to her while she teaches the class . But if the flirty girl is in drawing class and she is really cute and smiles while she takes his implants off , I doubt that Chance 's focus will be on reading the teachers lips . Even if the girl isn 't smiling , I bet Chance isn 't giving his teacher his full attention . Hmmm , I need to figure out what class this girl is in and how long exactly it takes to flirt when taking off implants . Are the implants off of Chance 's head for 1 minute , 5 minutes , 20 minutes ? Call me old fashioned and out of touch , but I have no idea what the protocol is when one is flirting by removing implants . Yellowstone is full of bubbling cauldrons of water and gasses from the inner belly of the earth . Some smell better than others since there is a definite sulfur smell that surrounds some of the " hot spots " and the earth mixes some amazing colors into the whole mix as well . The famous falls of Yellowstone Grand Canyon We swam in a heated river that sometimes ran hot , and sometimes ran cold . The trick was to find a comfy spot of warm . Chance and his siblings had a great time riding down the current of the river and enjoying the beauty of their surroundings . My brain has an interesting process that it has to go through now that I have two deaf children . When we are at places where implants and hearing aids are taken off , I find myself addressing this question each time I need to talk to one of my children , " Can this child hear me ? Oh , yes that is right , this child hears me just fine here in the river . " Yellowstone is full of bison . Huge , 3500 pound animals that are massive , majestic , and sometimes mean if they think you are messing with them or they feel threatened . Chance 's dad and I witnessed a bison venting frustration when we visited Yellowstone before we had children . Just as we entered the park , we stopped in the road because the van in front of us was stopped . Several children were out of the van and down by the river where a bison was hanging out . They wanted to get a picture of the bison , and they wanted him to be facing them , so they threw a rock to get his attention . The bison did not take this action very well . He charged up the small embankment after the kids who barely made it into their van . The bison then proceeded to slam his body against the van causing it to rock back and forth . Needless to say , we have had a healthy respect for these powerful animals ever since . Bison do not usually just charge people and Yellowstone has millions of visitors a year that never see a bison charge anyone . It is just wise to have a good healthy respect for all of the animals in the park and keep a good healthy distance . This year , we had a close encounter with a bison . We were down by the river next to the bridge where cars and pedestrians can cross over . There is a path down by the river and the kids saw a ranger and walked over to ask him about where bears live in the park . During our conversation , a bison decided to cross right down the middle of the bridge . Cars and people froze in place and just let him cross . He was huge , and was capable of running much faster than any of us mere mortals can run . I started to run to catch my younger children who were headed to the bridge and began to call out to Chance and his siblings who were all spread out on the bridge and pathway . Chance 's brother was actually on the bridge as was his sister . Chance was off to the side , and Ammon and his sister were by me and their dad . The ranger hurried up to the bridge saying something like , " Four years of college to play traffic control for a bison . " He helped keep the mood light . The ranger stood up on the bridge helping the people on foot and bikes safely navigate around the wondering bison . When I caught up to my younger children , I told them that we were going to wait right down by the path and not get any closer to the bridge . The ranger told them he thought this was a great idea as he passed us on his way up to the bridge . The ranger also told me that the bison might come down onto the path because there was a hill next to it that the bison liked to climb up . I moved the kids away from the hill and we waited and watched to see where the bison would decide to go . The bison started walking toward Chance 's older brother who was on the bridge . The bison got to about 6 feet away from him . It was a tense moment for both Chance 's brother and the ranger . The ranger told Chance 's sister that she may need to slip under the benches running along side of the bridge since she was small enough but to wait until he told her to go . The suggested distance to be from a bison is 30 yards . More if possible . They can run 30 miles per hour . The bison crossed the bridge and then started down the stairs that led down to the path . There we were , just watching him and trying not to get in his way . I stood with my kids who thankfully just stood still next to me . The ranger told us to move a little to the right so that the bison would have a clear shot to the path on the hill that the bison like to use . My younger kids were more to the right with their dad , as was Chance when the bison just stopped to have a look around . I was standing kind of off a little apart from the others as I had not made it as far a they had before the bison got so close to us . The bison just stood there , as if surveying the scene , and then he turned his body toward me . I was over closer to the river than the path on the hill . We just sat and looked at each other for a few seconds while he decided what he was going to do . I felt pretty calm considering the situation , though my mind started to wonder if I was going to need to run should he charge . I looked at his beautiful big brown eyes and waited to see where he was going to go for those few seconds , then he just swung his massive head around and headed up the path the ranger said he might take . It was an amazing experience . The ranger told us afterward that he thought the bison was going to go for Chance 's older brother who said that he was seriously getting ready to jump off of the bridge into the river if the bison walked any closer to him . We are grateful that there was an experienced ranger there to help us stay calm and safe . We are grateful that no one in the family got hurt and amazed that we got such a close up look at such an amazing creature . We made a memory that will last a lifetime . Chance now thinks he is a native Hawaiian . He has lived on the island for 4 weeks and has made INCREDIBLE friends . Fellow students at the language camp that kept talking about how they did not know how they were going to go on without each other . The kids knew that they would not be seeing much of each other after camp because the kids are from all over the United States . His roommate is from New Jersey , Another friend is from California and yet another from Texas . The teachers of the camp said that they had never had a group of kids all bond as closely as this group did . In past camps there would be kids that " clicked " naturally but the 20 kids this year all bonded together and had an incredible , unforgettable experience together . Chance said the kids all laughed at the end of camp because most of them had been worried that they would arrive to camp and find a bunch of nerdy kids . The competition was tough this year to get in and the kids who attended the camp had impressive credentials . I don 't know exactly how the kids were chosen , but they were all relieved in the end to realize that the other kids attending camp had much more in common with them than they had thought . And it was quite a lively bunch judging from the video that was made showing aspects of the camp . The kids were all involved and meshed in the experiences offered during camp . There was lots of smiling , activities and interacting with other campers . Chance can also now do a wicked kick after practicing martial arts for an hour each day . At the closing dinner on the last night of camp , the teachers have traditionally handed out Hawaiian chocolate covered macadamia nuts to those students who have really excelled during camp . This year they couldn 't choose just the traditional 2 to 3 students who had really been superior as all of the kids had done so well . So all of the kids got chocolates . It is my understanding that this has not happened before . Chance was truly part of a wonderful group of kids at camp who are now all dear friends . I have noticed that Chance is a bit more adventuresome with food now . He has always been a little leery of seafood , but he was immersed in some Chinese culture at camp along with learning the language , so he was exposed to lots of new foods . Although he didn 't like all of the new food he tried , he liked a good amount of it and now he is more open to trying different kinds of foods . Chance has also been listening to many different accents . For those who are deaf and hard of hearing , this fact will resonate with you . Hearing through accents can be a challenge sometimes . Chance also did a great job of staying within his budget : ) Chance worked mowing lawns this spring and summer to earn spending money for Hawaii and he was able to get some great souvenirs along the way , but he also spread his money out over the entire trip . He was careful and wise in his spending and I am proud of him . There were many things that he could have bought that he chose to pass on . Chance said that there were wild chickens all over Hawaii . Who knew ? The pina colada drink in a pineapple that Chance enjoyed very much . Dancers in the boat parade at the Polynesian Cultural Center Chance now has an official certificate saying that he has received 90 hours of language instruction during his time at language camp . He has done a full year 's worth of language in 3 weeks . This puts him in Chinese 3 , instead of Chinese 2 at school . I think Chance has proven to the skeptics that he is capable of learning a tonal language , implants and all . It was exhausting at times , and Chance worked really hard , and he has done it . This is what Chance looks like in Hawaii . He and the birds are obviously having a great time . I noticed that the shirt is new as well . Chance has been enjoying island life , though he really does spend most of his days learning the Mandarin language . He has some great friends and his older brother was sent a clip of Chance and his roommate doing some awesome dance moves . Chance even got to hang out in the wee hours of the night in the parking lot of the dorms where he is staying . Apparently , the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night and so the dorms had to be evacuated . Chance being deaf and all , did not hear the alarms going off , so his faithful roommate tried to wake Chance up . When his roommate persisted in waking him up , Chance apparently got more adamant about his non desire to get up and run . When the roommate still kept trying to arouse him , Chance yelled that he didn 't want to get up and run . Somehow , Chance 's roommate managed to wake Chance up enough to tell him that they had to leave the building . Chance is still in Hawaii so life is still going pretty good for him . And the odds that the fire alarm will go off again , have got to be slim to none . Which is good news for both Chance and his roommate . Posted by So , what did you do today ? This is what Chance did today : He flew to Hawaii , and after landing on that paradisiacal island , he was whisked off to meet the people he will be spending the next 3 weeks of his life with . So far , he loves his roommate . This should prove to be helpful . When we talked to Chance this evening , he said that he loved Hawaii and wanted to move there . Apparently the island is already working it 's magical charm on him . This trip will be fun , and it will create memories for a lifetime . It will not all be fun and games though . Although , when we talked to Chance , it was fun and games as all the kids were meeting to play card games . Chance will be working hard and learning for the next 3 weeks . He received a bright yellow t - shirt that says in Chinese : " I speak Chinese . " The person who handed out the shirts told the kids that they would be wearing them everyday . Chance was not amused at this . He has spent lots of time packing his suitcase just right . His suitcase full of clothes . It turns out that the t - shirt passer outer was confused , and that they will only be wearing that shirt on certain days . This language program is going to be exciting , hard work and all day long on most days . But Chance is ready ! If you are going to learn a language , you can 't beat the location . In fact , someone should do a study to see if sending people to Hawaii to learn a foreign language helps them learn it better . I myself would be willing to sacrifice and go to Hawaii as part of a long term study . I am sure there are at least a few others that would be willing to live in Hawaii for a year or two to see such a study through . We arrived at the airport early this morning to see Chance off . We were able to accompany him to the gate at the airport due to his age and as we walked , we told him what to expect . Despite all of our weeks of talking to Chance about what was going to happen , he still told his brother that he didn 't realize that airplanes could go that fast down the runway . He also said that the landing was really bumpy . But he is in Hawaii , so he can live with the bumpy landing . When we were walking through the airport , I asked Chance if he could hear the overhead announcements in the airport . He shook his head at me and said that he could tell that there were announcements , but he had no idea what was being said . This is just one reason why it is good that he is traveling with his cousin . She was the ears for both of them when it came to any important overhead announcements . It was a little funny explaining to the airline workers that Chance was deaf with implants when we did things like go through security , and then turn around and talk about how he was learning Mandarin . Deaf kid learning Mandarin . It doesn 't get much better than that . I should have many updates as to how Chance 's trip is going . He will want to share his excitement and I have threatened him that he will never be able to get his driver 's permit if he doesn 't contact home . Between those two things , he should have sufficient motivation to keep in contact : ) An example of this was the conversation I just had with my son . Chance is at a friend 's house where he is hanging out with some of the kids who attended The School for the Deaf with him . Chance has a few friends with implants that he sees regularly and they have just discovered the where abouts of another friend they went to school with so they are all getting reacquainted again . I was on the phone telling Chance 's dad that Chance was hanging out with some friends from The School for The Deaf , when my other deaf son Ammon overheard me . Chance can now say that he has biked 100 miles . In one day . All at one time . Over two mountain passes . He had trained for this . He had prepared for this . Then on Friday , he did it ! And this after a 10 - mile mountain hike on Thursday , in the Grand Tetons ! He climbed mountains , putting all the power he could into the course . He got rained on . And hailed on . ( He has welts to show for it . ) But he kept going . He rode through the beautiful states of Wyoming and Idaho . 90 % of the ride was in Wyoming . It took from 7 : 15 in the morning until about 6 : 30 at night . Chance 's scout troop held the line and helped each other meet their goal . Boys who were struggling on the ride were supported on by boys who were near the front . They all cheered each other on . He rode over two mountain passes . The first one was a 3 - mile 7 % grade for the final push after already climbing a steady 3 % climb for several miles ! ! ! ( If that doesn 't mean anything to you - it 's STEEP ! ) The second one was a 2 - mile 6 % final push . She agreed . This is what I used to give myself a degree of hearing loss . The ear plugs I used looked exactly like this . Only they were brighter orange so I kept pulling my long hair over my ears to try to cover them up . I didn 't want to draw attention to my ears , the point was to see what it was like to live the day with hearing loss . I contacted Chance 's school and got permission from the dean of students to attend school for an afternoon . The staff at the school know me so the dean of students told the office what I was doing and had me check in with the office and get a visitor pass to wear all afternoon . One of the stipulations I made for myself in my request to spend a day being hard of hearing was that I eat lunch with the high school students in the cafeteria . I did this because the lunchroom in a school is SOOO loud and sound is bouncing all around . I figured I could only get a feel for having hearing loss at school if I ate with the other students . As it turned out , it was a very warm day , so the majority of the students ate outside on the hill and steps in front of the school by the parking lot . Chance was playing soccer and gave me a smile when he saw me . I had told him and his brother that I would be coming to school but that they didn 't need to be with me when I sat in their classes etc . and could just go on as normal . As normal as you go when your I didn 't just go to random classes because that would make it harder to get permission to come to the school as no one would know where I was . I just told the dean of students that I would attend classes with one of my boys so he knew what classes I would be in . There were four periods of classes and the boys had two of those classes together . So I sat on the hill in front of the school eating a sandwich and getting a feel for the earplugs that I had squished down into my ears . It was unnerving to cut my hearing off . I could still hear some stuff , but everything was much quieter and I didn 't always hear things the first time . Background noise from all of the chatter of several conversations going on by students around me became like a buzz that I couldn 't fully understand . Perhaps I can better explain this by explaining how it usually is for me in these situations . With my everyday hearing , I could sit on the hill and watch Chance play soccer while easily sorting through the conversations going on around me . I would hear students talking about where they were going after school , what their parents had said and what teacher they did or did not like etc . With the ear plugs , all of those conversations became more like a background buzz , and I couldn 't easily sort through and then discard the conversations going on around me . I spent more time really looking at what was going on around me to make up for the loss of hearing . What really got me though were the cars . Since it was lunchtime and students , teachers and parents were coming and going from the school , many cars passed right behind me on the hill as I ate . I would not hear them coming though from a great distance like I used to so I kept finding myself being startled as cars would drive by right behind me . The bell rang and it was time to go to class . Chance helped guild me to the first classroom I would be going to with his brother . The desks were arranged in a big circle as they were having a class discussion that day . I explained to the teacher what I was doing and she was gracious to let me join her class . It was a teacher I knew as I had done a presentation for her class last year on the book , " The Hiding Place , " since I had been to the Ten Boom house where the true story had taken place . The office had been told about what I was doing but not every teacher knew . I found one of the few empty seats which happened to be almost directly across from the teacher in the circle . When class began , the teacher started going around the circle asking kids what they had liked and disliked about what they had done this semester in her class . She told the kids that she wanted them to give honest feedback so she could see what had worked and what could be improved . I obviously had not been in class all semester so I wasn 't sure what the teacher would do when she came to me . Normally , this would not have been a big deal , I would have just waited until it was my turn in the circle and then introduced myself . However , with my hearing loss , I could not hear the responses of all of the students leading up to me . I could hear some of the responses , but some of the kids talked quietly and even to hear the ones that were pretty loud that were across the room from me , required me to concentrate to hear everything they said and I sometimes missed some words that they said . I had no context as to what they were talking about at first but soon I clued into some of the units they had talked about all year . Since I wasn 't hearing everything that was said , I began to be nervous about the teacher calling on me when it came my turn in the circle . I was worried I would miss what she said . Luckily , she passed over me and then I could relax . The class had a study period where students could read or study together for the final exam which was coming up in a few days . I took this time to write some of my thoughts down in a notebook about my newly acquired hearing loss . The desks were pretty close together and my desk happened to be one the kids would squeeze by when they needed to get to the other side of the room . One girl had left and then come back into class . She knocked my notebook off of my desk , but another boy just picked it up and gave it back to me and it was no big deal . I thought the girl hadn 't even realized that she had knocked the notebook off . She had noticed , and apparently she apologized profusely . I didn 't hear her since I was looking down and writing on another sheet of paper and many of the kids in the class were talking about the final so there was quite a bit of noise in the room . My son later told me that the girl was one who felt very bad about everything and when she knocked my notebook off , she had told me that she was very sorry . My son was about 7 desks down from me and he tried to get my attention but I wasn 't looking that way so I had no idea about the incident until later that night I felt horrible that I had not responded to this girl . I would normally have let her know that it was no big deal and given her a smile . Since I did not hear her , and the boy in class just picked up the notebook and gave it back , I said nothing to her . I thanked him for picking up the book , but I ignored her on accident . I hope she didn 't take that personally or think that I was mad . I took lots of notes through out the day about incidents I had with my " hearing loss . " I will share some of them on the blog during the next while mixing them in with other posts about Chance and Ammon . Meanwhile , I have more empathy for people who have hearing loss . I got a feel for what it is like when you aren 't hearing everything going on around you and how that makes a difference in how you respond to your surroundings . In church during Sunday School , the teacher will sometimes ask if someone wants to read a particular passage of scripture . Normally I like doing that , but with the ear plugs in , it took me a minute to realize what passage we were supposed to read plus I had a bit of a complex about how loud I might be . When I had attended school with Chance , he had laughingly told me that I was talking louder . Chance had also given me a test in the hall of school by putting his hand in front of his mouth and then asking me what he was saying . I didn 't always know exactly what he was saying . Just being one word off can make a difference sometimes . I will report back on the block as I write my paper about hearing loss and share what my experience was . I now feel even more for my deaf sons . And I would just like to say that schools are noisy places sometimes . Posted by The school year is almost done and Chance is getting ready to take finals this week . Soccer is over and we attended the soccer awards ceremony last week . One of the dads who has a son on the soccer team is starting a competitive soccer team that will practice during the summer and then play games in the fall . Chance is excited to be on this team and keep up on his soccer until the school soccer team starts the season again next spring . We will head back into the mountains for Implant Camp again ! Chance has an exciting summer ahead . He will attend scout camp - swimming a mile in a lava hot springs pool , hike 10 miles around a lake and spend one day biking 100 miles . He will also attend Cochlear Implant Camp with the family . We went years ago when Chance was little and will now go back to visit our old stomping grounds . Chance also will FLY TO HAWAII and spend most of July learning Mandarin . Wow , Chance should have lots of fun and adventure this summer . Due to the fact that he will be gone for much of the month of June and July , it doesn 't make sense for him to join swim team this year . He has been on swim team for years and he really likes it , but this summer will hold new adventures . Remember this picture ? I think it was a sign that someday Chance would visit Hawaii . THAT IS BECAUSE HE PUT THE IMPLANTS ON BUT DIDN ' T TURN THEM ON ! What a goober . I guess he just wasn 't ready to wake up all the way yet and figured that he would take it slow by first putting the implants on , and then after waiting a respectful amount of time , turning them on . Sheesh . Now we have to worry about him hearing even when the implants are on his head . Posted by The other night I was talking to Chance about stem cells and how many people feel that someday stem cells may be used to help restore hearing to those who are deaf . Chance said , " I don 't know that I would want my deafness fixed though . There are like two downsides to being deaf and 70 upsides . " So what are the two downsides to being deaf you ask ? You can 't understand music right away and you have different experiences with activities like scuba diving that involve water . You can do it , but it is not the same wearing an electronic implant as it is with regular hearing . I can see Chance 's point with some of these things . Hearing the noises of nature can be relaxing and heighten your awareness when you are camping . But if you hear strange noises and you start to imagine some wild animal could be joining your camp , then it would be nice to not hear those sounds and be able to sleep peacefully . All in all , Chance doesn 't mind being deaf . Unlike some people who have other things they would like to see stem cells help , Chance isn 't waiting on pins and needles for new developments that may give him the hearing he was born with back . He is content being deaf . Chance was diagnosed as severely to profoundly deaf at about 35 months old . It was determined that he went deaf at about 13 months of age . He received loaner hearing aids through the Utah School for the Deaf , and later we purchased top - of - the - line Widex PowerDiva hearing aids . We fought insurance all the way to the top to cover the hearing aids , but our insurance company called them " cosmetic " , and " an educational issue " . We fought for about 18 months to get our insurance company to cover a cochlear implant . They finally approved it , and his surgery was on May 5 , 2006 . The implant was activated on June 1 , 2006 . This blog chronicles the lead - up to the initial surgery , the surgery and recovery , activation , and his ongoing progress . Chance received a second implant on Sept . 8 , 2006 , so we now get to chronicle his experience and progress with ' bilateral ' implant - aided hearing . Come back often to check on the his status and progress . |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me Today is Samhein . One of my favorite days and holidays . I love getting dressed up and trick or treat and candy and parties and bobbing for apples , and pumpkins and Indian corn . Last night I went out to Judy and Denise 's . I wore my wood nymph outfit , Denise was a bloody chef and Judy was a scare crow . They had decorated the yard and made food for friends to stop by , and set up things for the kids we are carried around on trailers and pickup trucks to see and have . It was a lot of fun . I came home and watched the end of Game 3 of the World series . I like watching the World Series , the Super Bowl , and final games of the sweet 16 and the pro basketball . I also love watching UF play football , and the Miami Dolphins , especially when they play the jets . That is always a great game . Tomorrow we start the process of the colonoscopy with the cleansing , etc . Thank goodness I read the paper because actually starting today things change . Today is no salads , nuts or seeds . Good thing I read that because actually that would have been my lunch . I will come up with something else now . And then tomorrow only clear liquids . Hmm , that is going to be interesting at work . I have to be able to think and finish my reports . It will all work out . I have been thinking about everything I still need to do to get ready to die . I am not planning on dying right of way , but we are all dying . Welcome to the club folks , we are members from the moment we are conceived . Fortunately most of us don 't have to think about this for most of our lives , but there comes a time when we might need to make arrangements . I am going to be cremated . No funeral , no fancy coffin , the simplest plain box that legally I can get away with . Honesty I would prefer no box if that was allowed . OK , so then I am cremated and I want my ashes to be spread around my gardens . No marker . Simple . What about for people who need to have some kind of service and a way to say good bye ? Well , The fanciest I would be interested in would be in the garden behind the Opera Hose . Honestly though , just having people come here to the house and do a cover dish thing . You know how I love cover dish dinners . Lots of beer , wine and cocktails . Lots of laughing . That would be perfect . So I need to get with a crematory and find out how to make arrangements . I mean after all I have time to take care of these things now , and it will make it easier on my beloveds as possible . I admit that I am not sleeping well this past few days . I guess part of it is the unknown with the new Dr . I really like Dr . M , but we are back to a lot of unknown . What is the cancer ? How will we treat it ? How long will I have ? These are all good questions and I am very open to the new and unknown , but that does not mean it is not still causing some anxiety . Not to mention Larry 's cancer . Sorry to all of you who think I should leave the door shut . I can 't I have cancer . I understand in a way what he is going through . His fears and concerns and the words , " I have cancer " Plus I spent more then 20 years taking care of him , and now that he is dealing with this disease I can not just turn my back on him . He can not come here to live , I can not give him money , but I can be kind to him . I can do some things to help him . I am not sure what all that means . It is very limited , but we have been through so many things together , and here at the end of his life , he feels like we are sharing something again . Yes , in some ways , and it does feel OK to have this additional connection to him . But I am still anxious . I also have to start researching how to die . I used to do an inspections at nursing homes . I saw all of these living dead . They were neither alive nor dead . I am not sure that dying comes as naturally as to every one . I will talk to the doctor and I will also talk to my friend Linda , who is a hospice nurse . I think I have this living thing down OK , but I am not sure if dying will come as naturally to me . And as I continue on this journey , working to stay alive is going to be part of it . So if I put all this energy into living , will I be able to then know how to die ? I am not sure . I would like to get some information on dying and then I can put it aside for when the time comes . I think that it will take some stress off of me . Get the arrangements made , learn how to die , finish getting the paperwork done . Make a list of what goes where , and then I can get back to living . OK , that is the plan . Don 't get me wrong , I am not wishing to die , but I am not afraid . I want everything . I want a healthy , happy life , I want to spend time with my loved ones . I want a good death . I went to see Oklahoma , and it was a wonderful production . It is community theater , so of course there were things about it that were better then others . But over all the set was wonderful , the actors did a fine job and looked like they enjoyed themselves , and at the intermission break I went back stage and hugged all the kids . I love them all so much . They are so talented and beautiful and wonderful and I am so very very proud of them . Tomorrow is work and clear liquid day . Yum . And then the cleansing meds , should be a fun evening , or not . Lots of tests this week and hopefully something will show Dr . M what we are really dealing with , or not . I have faith in him , and I trust him to be honest with us through this whole process . And yes , I am still very happy to be on this journey . I am learning so much , experiencing so much , there is so much love and support surrounding me . I am thankful for today . I am thankful for the opportunity of tomorrow . Judy and I headed up to Archibald today to the digestive health center . The woman had said something about going past the Emergency Entrance , so we did and came in the back of Archibald , directed out to the front of the hospital and to the Endoscopy Section . Then we had to run to the Digestive Center which was way back where we had started , sort of . It was really hard to understand anything that the woman said on my cell phone . I was not sure what we were going to be doing today . I was pretty sure we were not doing the colonoscopy today because he had not cleared my system out . But I had no idea what was up today . We finally made it into the Digestive Center , late . Wait , no we were not . The appointment was not at 9 , but at 9 : 40 . I swear all I heard her say over the cell phone was 9 . This is one of the reasons I prefer not to talk on the cell phone . But we were there and now to fill out the paperwork . Yesterday and today the paperwork was much more personalized to the situation , instead of the standard forms I have been filling out . Again , another doctor group that made us feel welcome . Then the doctor came in . He is buds with Dr . M . In fact they had talked about us yesterday . This doctor was also gorgeous , intelligent , funny , professional and had a great bed side manner . He was thorough and asked lots of questions , again did another hands on physical exam . And then discussed my um , movement patterns . Well he is getting ready to do a colonoscopy after all . He told me about what I would be doing next Monday to get ready , but this weekend he wants me to start cleaning out the system using Mirilax . I must have made a face because he asked me about it . I told him that I was really not sure about putting polyethylene glycol into my body , it sounds like something that should be put in a car instead . He laughed , and asked me to go ahead and do it and then I could put the rest in my car to make it run . Then he laughed at the joke he did not plan on saying . But he loved it . That is pretty funny , make the car " run " . Tuesday he will do the two procedures , an endoscopy and as Judy called it , an " uppie " . The doctor liked that also . It is nice to talk to doctors and have them be so funny and talk and laugh with us , and at the same time be serious about my cancer . After the appointment yesterday Judy and I drove to Boston , Ga . Then we headed to Quitman and ate at the Mexican food . After a satisfying lunch we headed home but stopped to cut sorghum to nice up the set for Oklahoma at the Opera House . At home we split a bottle of pink sparkling wine , Korbel . Today after our appointment we had BBQ at Granddaddy 's in Thomasville . Nice to enjoy time together and not just deal with doctors and cancer . On thing that the doctor had said yesterday that I think I had pushed out of my brain , is that if the colonoscopy , endoscopy , lab work and PET Scan doesn 't tell us about the primary source of cancer , then he wants to do a biopsy of the nodules on the lungs . I appreciate that he is wanting to get to the bottom of this little " c " so he knows what is the plan . What is the diagnosis to know the prognosis . I just got off the phone with Richard and Colleen . It was a mass they removed from Larry 's head , not a blood clot . Because of HIPPA , we can not get the direct information on what is going on with him . Richard and Collen said that Larry was told it was terminal . One thing that they know for sure , is that it was a 6mm mass pressing on his brain , not a blood clot . Larry has decided to go down to stay with his cousin Bonnie . This is much better news then staying with his brothers . I had hoped that they would get to be friends . That was / is unlikely , but I was trying to be hopeful . But his sweet cousin Bonnie loves Larry as much as he loves her . And she is the only person I ever saw have any type of influence over him . Heavens knows I never did . I don 't know how he will get to Bonnie 's , surely he should not be driving after major brain surgery . I find it so odd that we both have ended up in this situation . No one has said that he has / had cancer , but he had a 6mm mass on his brain , isn 't that cancer ? They say that one out two men and one out of three woman will get cancer , so I guess it is not a coincidence that we each have cancer . I think we have different cancers , and we have different lifeSittinOnAPorch A new day , a new doctor , a new hospital , a new start . I love our new doctor . First , he looks like a young Antonio Bandera . He is from Lebanon , yet his accent is very subtle . He is young , passionate about what he does and believes in staying up with all the latest information . Even when he is saying life expectancy is 12 - 24 months , it does not sound like a death sentence . He filled me with hope . He said that the type of cancer that I have been diagnosed with is a stage 4 . But he calls it " cup " , carcinoma unknown primary . Then he took a few minutes to review the records with Judy and me that Dr . B 's office had sent over . Mary is in Roseland with Mr . Moon and could not be there today . It felt like she was there with us , she is such an important part of this journey . But Dr . M said that he could not determine , based on the tests that have been run so far what type of cancer I have . So now , I will have the PET scan . Dr . B said it was of no value . This new doctor said , it is standard practice and very important to help diagnose this cancer . He also has set up an upper and lower endoscopy . OK , I am not excited about getting a colonoscopy , but it is an important test to determine what type of cancer I have . I was fine with Dr . B 's diagnosis . I mean I can go on line and find it . And I had to have a positive attitude and do the best I could by the doctor I had . But that was before months into the treatment , that he finally decided to make the " incurable " cancer statement . After that , and honestly a couple of other things , I lost confidence in him . It is hard to go through what you have to with cancer if you do not have faith in your doctor . OK , Dr . M is saying incurable , but he said it the very first visit . He also said whatever the type of cancer , it is stage 4 because it has metastasized , but until we know more about the primary source , we cannot make any prognosis . He was very professional , personable and passionate . He actually did a physical exam . Dr . B never touched me that I remember . Dr . M got in there and checked the lymph nodes . He seemed positive after that exam . He has already set up the endoscopy and I should know more about the colonoscopy tomorrow , and then the PET scan , and then more blood work before next Friday . He wants to be able to determine as much about this cancer as quickly as possible so he can develop the plan . After the chemo did not appear to affect the cancer , Dr . B was basically done with me . There was no talk about future care , it was call me if you need something . Dr . M made it clear that this is for the rest of my life . He isn 't promising me a longer life , but he did make it clear that he was in for the long haul . And everyone we met today was professional and so personable . And the facility is beautiful . And they don 't just take in to consideration of the patient , but also the caregivers that bring the patient in . Can you tell how hopeful I feel ? I mean I really don 't have that much more to be hopeful about , but I feel more hopeful . I feel like this doctor is going to do his best to give me a life . A life for however long it lasts . I still don 't believe it is how long you live . It is how well you live , and that is what he is offering me . I felt so good that when I talked to Rich this evening I told him that if he still had the opportunity to go to NY for Thanksgiving , I wanted to go with him . I mean if I am only going to live a few more years , I am not waiting to live . I can 't make any decisions yet concerning my retirement and how to deal with my money until I get the diagnosis , but I know that I have worked hard and put away money . Yes , I have lived a busy and active life , and there is no reason to stop now . Based on what the doctor finds with the tests will determine making arrangements for Vicki and me to go to Scotland . I will never be rich , but I can do the things that are most important to me . The chemo might interfere with trying to determine the source of the cancer , but Dr . M thinks it is still worth looking . He says that I might have to have more chemo , but that will be based on more tests and information . Not the buckshot chemo treatment , as Judy put it . Try the most common chemo and hope it is close enough . Dr . M of course did not say anything directly against Dr . B . But he did refer to the treatment that I had gotten from Dr . B as what a doctor reading a book can do . The treatment will only be as up to date as the book , and really , anyone can do that . Dr . M wants more facts so that he can search for the best and latest treatment to give me the best opportunities he can . I don 't remember everything that happened or was said today . I just remember I liked how this man talked to us , treated us and when we went to leave , Judy and I stuck out our hands to him and said , " Welcome to our Team " He made some comment about how excited he was to be a part of our team . Now that is special . Hope . Hope does not mean everything is going to be fixed immediately . That is what our President keeps trying to remind us . Hope is the starting place . There is a lot of hard work that comes after hope . And just because I have hope , it doesn 't mean that I am going to live forever . But it does mean that I have hope that this journey is going to be theHope . A new day , a new doctor , a new hospital , a new start . So this week has crept along . We have been busy at work . I have the most amazing staff . I know I have said this before , but really , no raise in the last like 5 years , we are now working at about half staff with the same work load and everyone keeps coming back each day . In fact because we are now testing a new commerce site so that we can start the process of accepting credit cards for payment , they have all come in early so that they can get their regular work done as well as do this new testing . And the IT section is having meetings and asking lots of questions , and they are right there . In fact they were coming up with such great ideas and giving out such great information , I left the meeting to man the phones and let them attend the meeting . OK , I am not crazy about meetings , but honestly I was trying to use my Certified Public Manager training . After all I have my certification or whatever it is called and I like to use what they taught me . It really does make a difference , and what I didn 't want to run into was group think . This is where everyone goes along with the boss in the room . So I took the boss out of the room and delegated the authority to them to make any necessary decisions and changes , with my final approval . But I rarely have to make any changes to their decisions . And it has taken a while to get the other people like the IT Section to not worry about me being in the meeting , but letting them instead work with the people who have done the work the longest , get the best input and then just send me an email about any changes so that I can sign off on it . It works well , and now with my cancer and being gone so much , the staff has really responded and they just blow me away . Giving people the power to have input and make decisions about their own destiny , work wise , brings the best out of my staff , and I can 't help but think that it would work with most groups . That is once you have properly delegated them the authority and respect to participate . I heard from my Ex husband at the beginning of the week . He was in the hospital in Brandon with an aneurysm or something pressing on his brain . I also think it was bleeding . It was hard to tell because by this point he was unable to do much more then the most basic communication , and that was difficult to understand . It does explain some of his extraordinary behavior when he was here . He was more aggressive and was already having problems talking , but he had been drinking so much by the time I got home each day ( I would find the glasses with the remains of the alcohol ) I naturally did not think any more then he was drunk . I have seen it more days then not in the last 5 years . They relieved the pressure on his brain by drilling a hole in the left side of his skull . He is doing much better now . I understand that he will be going up to stay with his oldest brother Carl when he first gets out of the hospital . I am glad that he and Carl will have this time together . Maybe they can get to be friends . It seems like the last couple of years he and his brother Sandy have started to become friends . Carl must be at least 73 or so , Sandy a couple years younger then that and Larry will be 61 in February . I am glad to see them getting together again . I am glad he has family to go to at this time . I have tried to call the doctor 's office this week to find out if they have received the medical records , but I could never get through to anyone . So we will just see tomorrow what they have gotten . I had something to do each day after work , so I was able to avoid going to get copies of my records for my own records . I know I need to do it , but it is more then I have been able to face . I start out all brave , have my will drawn up . Find out how to get my titles changed to add my brothers to it , so when I am gone they will not have to pay probate on it , talk to people about all of the choices and options for my retirement . I have looked into all of this , but I still have 3 / 4 of it yet to finish taking care of . I have been given lots of good ideas , and now I have a few more things to look into . And my mind is clearer , but my stamina is still pretty low . I am not complaining . I know that this will go away at some point . And in the meantime I am trying to learn how to take care of myself . I do like a quarter of what I used to do , but it still feels like too much . And who knows what this new doctor is going to try . It is sad to think I have such a slow lethargic cancer that standard chemo can 't get rid of it because it attacks the fastest growing cells , and my cancer is not the fastest growing cells . Go figure . Of course Linda and I laughed and laughed that neither of us are surprised that I got the strange cancer . I have never been one to do what is normal . I guess that goes all the way into my genes . Go figure . So I am trying to get back to a normal life . A new normal . A life where I live with my cancer . Where every thought , every sentence , every moment is not centered around cancer . The Copernicus of my life , my cancer . Well , it is time to learn to put it in its place . Maybe my hair will start to grow back in , that will help to give me back a life that is not focused first on cancer . A life where I can be just another person . Yes , I know my life will not be the same as it was a year ago . Whose life is the same ? I doSittinOnAPorch I started celebrating my birthday on Tuesday . I had picked up two delicious cakes from Costco , one chocolate layer cake filled with chocolate mousse and the other vanilla layer cake filled with vanilla mousse . Bob , my friend from work brought a pumpkin cheesecake bundt cake . Everyone was happy . There was also ice cream , but basically , it was just a chance for people at work to slip by and get cake , take a break for a few minutes from the daily grind and then slip back with plates filled with sweet sugary goodness . The next day was the doctor visit . I feel more and more comfortable with the fact that I may very well have cancer for the rest of my live . The fact that I have cancer does not mean that my life will be less or shorter . It simply means I will live with two incurable diseases . The most important lesson to learn is not how to live with cancer . No , it is about learning to live being more aware of each moment . I have always been more of a big picture person . Well , in the sense that I thought that by seeing the big picture and all the possibilities lay out in front of me that I could do it all . I could be a member of the stage company , even be the chairman , and work on every play that we put on at the Opera House and then work on every fund raising event and be on the Board for the Opera House beside the stage company . Then be the chairman of our little garden circle , and as active in the club as possible . And be the manager of the certification section with the Department of Ag & Consumer Services . And as my staff shrank from budget cuts , to work more and more with my staff to make sure that we keep up with our work so that the Applicators can do their work . So now , I have my own work and the work to help my staff , and take care of my home and gardens and animals . I went 24 / 7 , seriously . Go , go , go . It started as a way to avoid coming home and spending anytime with my then husband . I suppose it was hard on him , his drinking increased and he became addicted to crack . Although I cannot say when that started because now as I look back I realize that he had been do that for years and years . When I first moved here , it was just me and Maggie and Lily and my cats . It was magical , beautiful , peaceful . Then he came up and my life started to spin out of control , by my hand in a serious case of denial . Then anytime after that if there was something I wanted to do , I crammed it into a schedule that was not healthy . Sure , I ate well , I exercised , I drank in moderation , but I did not take time to really enjoy everything I was doiI had so many emails , phone calls and postings on my face book , cards and presents . It has been such a wonderful birthday , just based on the number of people contacting me . I appreciate every single person , each thought , each wish , each prayer . The party at Mary 's was perfect . All of her kids , except Jason who was at work were there . Owen definitely enjoyed my birthday way more then his own , and he kindly helped to unwrap presents and to ooh and ah along with me . And the gifts were all so thoughtful from everyone . And the presents have been coming for weeks . I feel so special . I feel so loved . Most of my beloveds from the Stage Company were there , even if just for a moment , like Colin zooming in and out after attending a private violin concert . We laughed and talked and ate . Oh did we eat ! We had food from all over the world and delicious . Mary made greens and pinto beans and cornbread . There was shrimp salad , quiche , sandwiches and salad , a spicy pasta salad made by our Malaysian cook and Spicy garbanzos made by Geeta , Fred and Marcy brought a home made dark chocolate ice cream that went wonderfully with Mary 's amazing carrot cake , and smoked salmon , cheese , chips and dip , and the table creaked a little under the weight of the food . And we ate and ate and drank and laughed and my heart was filled to overflowing to be in the presence of these dear beloved ones . The party did not go late , I was home before 10 . Yesterday I met Bob in town and we spent the morning at the St . Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival . The weather was perfect that time in the morning , cool a light breeze and the sky clear and blue . We watched them tag the butterflies and how they check for diseases , etc . We stopped and perused the booths , Bob bought me a red potterweed from the Lincoln High School plant nursery . The man at the booth threw in a portulaca to boot . I will have to over winter them in the greenhouse , but that is why I have a greenhouse . We had such a lovely time . He offered to take me on to the Stone Crab Festival , but I don ' SittinOnAPorch The scan results are the same as April . No change . The same . Good news he said . Then why am I feeling so what ? I don 't know . This morning as we drove to the doctor 's Mary was tired from not sleeping , I was hyper . I could have sat in a corner by myself and talked nonstop going faster and faster until even dogs could not hear me . I really tried to control it , but I know that I drove Mary a little insane . Ok , here is one reason I am feeling , anxious ? disappointed ? depressed ? umm no those aren 't quite right ? I had the first CTscan in April . I had had many chest X - rays and each time they were the same , no change . So it is not like the chemo is holding this disease at bay . The cancer is not spreading . My lungs are not filling with fluid . But the fluid had not increased from April until they aspirated the fluid , around 400 cc , from my pleural / lung area . So the fact that the fluid has not returned does not necessarily mean much to me . I mean other then comfort . I can breathe so much better and I am not having the severe pain from the pleurisy . Mary pointed these out to me . She is right , I am so much better in those ways . I can walk and do more physical things now then before they pulled the fluid off . It is hard to remember that when I am dealing with the side effects of the chemo . So yes , today was good news , and Dr . B was pleasant and didn 't look so shocked and scared of us , so that was good . And I had questions and I asked them and Dr . B answered them . He looked so much more comfortable with us . It was a good visit , and a visit that did not end in chemo . That is good . I will get to celebrate my birthday no worse then I am now . That is good . I might even be a little better maybe a little stronger . Dr . B was very open to a second opinion and said that he would call Archibald for an appointment for me for . We left on some of the best terms that we have had . Why am I not happier ? Did I really subconsciously think it would be gone ? Did I think I was healed ? I know that I had hope that things would be better , that somehow this would not be incurable . I know I hoped for that . I just didn 't think that I had set my heart to that so hard . I have incurable cancer . It is not getting worse , it is not getting better . It is not spreading , I am not in pain or discomfort or have any problems because of it . I am not sick . I don 't get nauseous except for a day or two on the chemo and that is controlled with a single pill . This is all good . I feel healthy , strong . Alive . I am alive . There is no reason to think that I will not be alive for years to come . Now I rest . No chemo to wear out my body for a little while now . This is good news . I was set for the chemo today . It is the pattern that I have set in my life for the last several months . I know it , I am used to it . I was getting used to the side effects . I felt strong that I could handle it . But not having to deal with the chemo is definitely preferable . And with my birthday just two days away and maybe having friends coming through town during that time , and the St . Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival on Saturday and a St . Andrews party not to mention baby Colin 's birthday party , well this is a big weekend and will be much more enjoyable without the struggles with chemo . I might even be able to do most of these things . This is all good . So again , why don 't I feel better ? I know more today about my little " c " then I did before , or I should say that what I knew before has been reinforced . And that news changes this from a ferocious cancer to once again my little " c " , the wimpy , slow moving cancer . Each time I learn more about my disease I have to process it . Sometimes that takes minutes , other times days or even weeks as I roll it around my brain . I am sure as I work through this I will realize how good the news today was . Mary and Judy understand . That is 2 / 3rds of us . And we had a wonderful celebration morning to replace the chemo . AI have lived with an incurable disease already . For 25 years I have lived with an incurable disease in my liver and I live an active , happy life . Busier then most , strong and healthy . So now I have an incurable disease on my lungs and bones . Is that how it is going to be with me ? Will I just keep getting incurable diseases until there is no more room for incurable ? Well , we all will have our bodies die in this world sometime . That is how it goes . You are born , you live your life , or not , and then you die . It is not that you live and die , it is how you live your life . It is not the beginning or the end of the journey , it is the journey itself . I have said this over and over , and many people have said the same thing . They know too . So I shall live my life . I will take this journey and try to notice as many moments as possible . I am strong , I am healthy , I am alive . I am alive and I plan to be this way for , well , I don 't know that anymore then anyone else , but I do know , the doc gave us good news . I am alive So I drank the delicious banana flavored barium . Let me just say that was some of the most foul substance I have ever put in my mouth . Big gag time reflex . But I was able to get it down with about 3 glasses of water in just under 30 minutes . I woke up all night running to the bathroom and I would drink another glass of water when I woke up . I struggled with trying to keep it down all night . I knew that I if it didn 't then that would mean no scan today . And I got up early and this time within 20 minutes I was able to get the second one down . Well , I didn 't actually vomit it back up , but that is only because as it started to come up , I would do whatever it took to not vomit . As soon as I got into the office for the scan , I asked for a vomit bag . I didn 't need it , but I wasn 't sure . And then I had to drink some of the vanilla to " top off my stomach " I have to say that my stomach felt topped off . But the vanilla was much better . So they did the abdomen scan and they did a chest scan . I will ask Dr . B tomorrow about why are we doing abdomen scans . Does he think it is spreading , or is he just making sure . That is part of the problem with him is that we don 't understand what he is doing so we do not know what to think . Hopefully we will get some answers tomorrow . I hope so , it will help as I listen to the second opinion to understand what Dr . B thinks . The Radiation Therapist spoke very highly of Archibald . So that is reassuring . And the scans went just fine and I am very curious to see what they find . I am not looking forward to future scans if I have to drink that horrid barium , not to mention the dye that makes you feel like you are wetting yourself in a public place . The Therapist said he could work with me to drink the barium solution in water at the office if I have trouble in the future getting down the vanilla flavored source . I told him that I hope that things are going well enough that I will need to have another scan in the future . Then I went to work with my cakes . Bob brought a delicious pumpkin cheesecake flavored bundt cake . It was wonderful . I had the chocolate mouse and vanilla mouse cake . People came by I gave them cake and for the most part they left shortly after , most of them to go get their lunch . It was perfect and a good time and good cake was had by all . Although I only had a taste I can definitely recommend the cakes from CostCo . Thanks Denise ! ! ! You were right . I heard several people say that it was better then a Publix cake . I got lots of sweet and funny cards , and it was very special . Tonight as I sat finishing up the renewals it was just getting dark and I heard Bea screaming . I grabbed a flashlight and ran out to the coop . Bea was huddled in a corner screaming , feathers every where . I did not see the perpetrator but Bea is missing lots of feathers and has some serious scratches and bite marks on her butt . Chicken engineering is amazing with all those feathers and down that help a chicken survive . It must take quite a bit to get through the feathers and down to the chicken . She was so upset , but calmed down quickly when I picked her up and stroked her then put her in a corner on the nesting box . Dani and Buttercup sleep in the very tip top corner of the roof over the nesting box just under the eve of the coop . It takes a bit to get at them , so they are safer . Bea is fine , and I tried to put barriers up in the rabbit holes , I have no other idea on how and who is getting in there and eating my chickens . Poor Bea she is going to be uncomfortable for a few days . I have now gotten past the first of the people involved birthday events , and it was a success . Now to relax and enjoy Friday at Mary 's . It will mostly be Stage Company people , but there may be a few people from Tallahassee . Tomorrow during chemo Mary , Judy and I will discuss Friday and what to do . Vicki called and she sounds so happy . I miss her so much , but she is in a good place in her life , and I am so happy for that . She is an amazing woman ! That is all for today . I need to get my list finished for Dr . B . I have been thinking about it for a while , but haven 't got it all put together . I need to do that before I sleep tonight . I think I will sleep well , what with no barium to deal with . And tomorrow we will see if this chemo has helped at all . I am hopeful . As I sit here in my red chair stuffing renewal notices into envelopes I am watching the Public Television series on cancer . I recorded it weeks ago and forget all about it until today . It is very interesting and mostly a review of what I know about cancer , but very well presented and I am enjoying it . I sit here and watch , stuff the envelopes and leak tears as they tell the different stories . They have presented this disease in a very hopeful way , and I think what is the best thing they said , and keep saying over and over , your attitude makes a huge difference . Most of the people in the show are in various degrees of baldness . Another is they talk about treating for the pain . That is one of the things they can do , so they like to talk about that . The coolest part was to see a guy getting radiation wearing a mask like what I wore . They talked about the roller coaster daily of emotions , and laughing even if you are dying of cancer . Survivors talked about how much you love those around you as you get your perspective together with this disease . All of the families talked about how for the most part it brought families closer , but not always . Most of all , terminal or treatable , you have to continue to live . It also was amazing how fast it can hit you at the end . In those situations I know I would choose like one of the patients opted , hospice instead of continuing the treatments . His wife had an opportunity to walk her husband to the other side . And then he was gone . I appreciate hearing this . I hope not to need this for years to come , but dying is a lot more work then we think about sometimes , and it is helpful to hear about it in this perspective . Somehow they told this man 's story through the end of his journey and even though he is gone , it was a joyful story . I am listening to these stories and some of them were angry , and asked why me . Hmmm , I am not sure why . Each person is different , and that is another thing they kept saying , cancer is as diverse as each person who gets it . They also talked about other opinions from doctors . The woman whose story was told asked why me , and she is a scientist , and once she got past the anger , she turned to science . Even as a scientist she had to deal with months of emotional energy . And they also talked about how much we don 't know . Are 4 treatments enough ? Are 6 better ? We don 't know a lot of these answers because they are making their best guess . And as you have heard over and over , but it really is true , they are only practicing medicine . One thing that I know is I am very lucky with with what I have experienced so far . No blood cots , a strong immune system . I am comfortable living with cancer . I have no panic , I have almost welcomed this journey as a new adventure . OK , so it hasn 't been the most fun , not like jumping out of a plane or hot air ballooning , but I have got to hear from beloveds that I might not have stopped to make the time to talk to . I just got to talk to my friend Jennifer . She and I met in the second grade and were close all through school until we graduated from UF . She moved back to Palmetto to be a school teacher . I moved to Key West to become a Special Ed Ag teacher . She went on to get her PhD in education and is still very involved in that field . I taught one year and then tried something else . Very different journeys in this life , but still dear friends . Then I got to talk to Colleen , a friend from the Brooksville area . She and our other friend Linda are planning a trip up . I am looking forward to that . Then I saw that Vicki had called , so I called her back and her life has taken an interesting twist . I am not sure where it is heading , but I am thrilled for her , whichever way it goes . Then I called Ms Moon and I shall call Judy and Denise shortly . I have a CTscan tomorrow morning . Tonight I have to drink banana flavored barium . I mean come on , who thinks making it banana flavored will help . Then I have to get up a little early tomorrow morning to drink the other bottle of deliciousness . I can 't eat anything after midnight . Well , I am asleep at that time , so that shouldn 't be hard , but I do have to drink as much water as possible . And if I told them that I had blood pressure problems or was diabetic I could even eat a light breakfast . I am not diabetic , so no food for me . But really won 't I be full after those lovely bottles of banana flavored barium ? Yum . But the scan is of my abdomen . I am confused . I thought the cancer was on my lungs and pleural lining . I didn 't think that an abdomen scan goes up to my lungs . We will see Wednesday what Dr . B thought . I picked up my cakes at Costco today . A chocolate layer cake and a vanilla layer cake . I have plates , napkins and spoons . Kelly is bringing the ice cream . So hopefully we are all set . I got most of the renewals stuffed , I can finish the rest tomorrow . Now to eat dinner . Geeta sent me a beautiful dinner and I am sure that I am going to enjoy it . So a lovely day , very productive and another gorgeous day . From my red chair I have a window to the back yard behind me and the front door looking through my little front porch to my gorgeous front yard . The week has begun , a big week and so far , so good ! Last night I stripped down and looked at myself , I mean really looked at myself . I look like an alien . I don 't mean someone from Mexico , I mean the kind that Signoury Weaver kills in the movies . I have this tiny little head on top of this body that is lean , but not in shape . Strong wide shoulders covered with skin that looks dry and loose . The muscles are not toned , sort of like a being that is not used to living on this planet with our gravity . My arms and legs are very long in comparison to my body and they are also very thin . In other words I look very much like a movie maker 's idea of an alien . Add on how I move now with the lower stamina and exhausted muscles and I look like I am not used to this planet . I guess it makes sense as you cope with this disease and go places you never knew existed let alone of going to , that your body would look and / or feel alien or foreign as the doctors use their WMDs . My friend Susan said that it is healthy to see my body this way . There are two basic groups . Those who deny the disease and those that accept it and give into the treatments and the changes . I can see how easy it would be to deny this disease . I don 't feel it . I am dealing with the side effects of chemo , not the symptoms of cancer . Since the radiation took the pain away with the cancer on my bones I have not been in any pain from the actual cancer . So right now , I could skip the chemo and deny that I have the little " c " . But the lab work says otherwise , and although this disease is an emotional disease , the lab work is fact . For the most part I have accepted my alien body , but then when I have to see people who have not seen me since I started this journey , I am so self conscience . I am vain . I don 't look so bad in clothes , but without them , that is a different story . And even though everyone sees me in clothes , obviously I don 't walk around naked , I know what I look like under the clothes . I am maintaining my weight . All this week I have been around the 123 mark . That is not too thin for me . I have actually been able to pull clothes out of the back of my closet that fit me again . I don 't know that I was this thin before , but I think I was in better shape , tighter , firmer . I kept up my exercises for a while , but I have let those slip away now . I should do yoga and stretch out . Funny how when your body needs it the most it is the hardest to do . Today was garden club . We made reindeers out of pine cones . I managed to make one . I have cancer so no one makes fun of me when I do less then others . And I can leave early and now no one thinks anything of it . Sometimes having cancer is such a plus . I love the ladies in our circle , but I am so inept at being around people . I went out to feed the chickens and one of the peeps didn 't make it . The other two are looking good . Yesterday I realized that someone was pecking them . I suspect Bea so I moved her and the other two hens into one side of the coop and left Zora with her peeps in the other side . This will let me give her as much time as possible with the peeps , but at some point , I am afraid I will have to take them away from her and keep them safe . Peeps can get into places their mamas can 't go , and then harm can come to them . But we will see how things go , take it day by day . It has been a lovely weekend . I did manage to get the pansies and violas planted , and when I got up this morning they were still there . The rabbits haven 't eaten them yet . I did put out rabbit food with scratch and most of that was gone . So it would appear that domesticated rabbits , even those who live like wild ones , actually prefer the pelleted rabbit food over plants . Hmmm , who would have guessed . Geeta was supposed to come over this evening , but she had a family emergency , so we postponed this to another time . I hope all is going to be OK with her family . So another week is upon us . A week filled with cake and birthdays , chemo and friendships . A busy week , I am ready for it . Posted by Someone ate David Smith . I can 't tell Christopher that a raccoon ate his chicken . Pat and I already talked about it this morning . We will pull the gold fish switch and see if that helps . If he figures it out , then this will be David Smith the second . It had to be some kind of animal capable of getting in through the rabbit hole . I suppose it could also be a fox . I don 't know . All that was left was a pile of feathers and scat from the predator . It was pretty big scat , so it could have been either of those creatures . All I know is that David Smith is gone . I cried . I understand the circle of life , but sometimes it is just too much in my face . sigh But the same day I discovered David Smith gone , I checked on the other chickens and there sat Zora , in her shiny black feathers sitting on a nest of about a dozen eggs . Well , there is one less egg because nestled into her chest feathers was the palest yellow , almost white peep . Peeping away . And now there are three . sigh Mary had just told me that her neighbor Carolyn had offered her some biddies . We had both talked about not wanting to take on baby chickens at this point . It is a lot of work keeping them warm and clean and fed and watered , and safe . And with winter just around the corner that means all the more care and attention they will need . And now there are three peeps to take care of . Zora will do a fine job , hopefully in the beginning , but as they get bigger , she will loose her focus and then nature takes it course , and that is just too much for me right now . I would rather do all the work to try and keep them alive then to have to go out each day and pick up little dead bodies that have succumbed to some tragic ending . sigh I swear you give that Zora Neal just a day or two when your body is so beat up with chemo that you miss picking up a couple of eggs ( she will bury them sometimes so that I can 't find them ) and she gets on that nest when she sees me coming and she is mean . I will finally give up because I hate having her peck at me and then flap her wings up in my face and if I do get her off the nest then she will come at my legs . Shoot anyone with that much passion deserves to sit on her eggs . And for some reason I always believe that she will never hatch them . But she does . I have only had the Marvella twins who were so set on brooding . But they only hatched out 2 peeps with all their efforts all those years . I don 't know why Zora can keep putting them out , when the Marvellas in their whole lives only managed the 2 between them . I need to have a mind shift , and just be the biped , the one with the alleged bigger brain and find a way to keep her from sneaking eggs and then hatching them out . I hate to admit it though I love the babies . I love the soft , fluffy peeps , making that noise that wakes some mother instinct in me . I can almost tell you how many peeps there are before I even get into the coop to check for sure . That is part of the bunny problem I have . I tried to give them a happy life as close to their natural world as they wanted , and before I knew it I have bunnies all over the yard . And those the size of a tennis ball , mostly golden colored with the soft white fur on their bellies . The big eyes , the sweetness of a small fury adorable creature . Sigh , I am a sucker for that . So today when I plant my pansies and violets I know I have to keep in mind that they are very tasty and the bunnies are going to want them . I think I will plant some in what had been an herb garden until the chickens and bunnies got to it . Now it is an unattractive large half filled dirt pile in a container we used for the fountain in Hot Dogs and Cool Cats . Herb had painted himself with clown white and played the part of a statue that when the dogs We had a fire at the Jefferson County Animal Sthis past week , so I am going to head up to the post office for the fund raiser . No animals were harmed , but this is a big expense for our little shelter . And after I go there I think I will go to the pumpkin patch at the Waukeenah Methodist church and see if they have a fun pumpkin . I already have a few pumpkins . I never cut them . Well , unless I eat them . Otherwise I just have pumpkins sitting around my house , inside and out . I love their colors and shapes . I have one blue pumpkin I grew last year that is still strong and beautiful sitting on a shelf in my house . I had a squash one time for almost 2 years before something got through the tough shell and it started to go bad . Then I fed it to the chickens . The flesh is too hard for them to eat mostly , but if you let it sit for a couple of days the insect creatures that come to feast on the gourds is like Halloween candy to the chickens , so the circle of life continues " It ain 't necessarily so " by Willie Nelson just came on and Bob loves to dance to it . The dog , not my friend from work . He stands up on his back two legs and we sway and then I let go and spin around and so does he and then back up he comes on those strong legs . Our dancing has wakened Harry who clambers off the couch still sleepy eyed and dances with me also . Harry can no longer get up on his back legs . He is large and old but he loves to sway back and forth and I hold his shoulders and dance around him . He still loves to dance . And then the song is over and I sit down and finish this record of today . Bob gets up in the other red chair . Harry falls back asleep where he is on the floor . I need to get up and get dressed and up town to the fund raiser . The day is bright . The green is that deep tired green of fall that is dark and intense with a spring and summer filled with different greens , now slowing down . The temperature is getting warm enough that I can be comfortable outside . I don 't like cold weather . I never complain about the heat , but once it droPosted by For the last two weeks I have been trying to pick a project at work each day and set a goal to finish it . So sometimes I had to work a little longer at work to meet my goal , and it caught up with me today . I got a lot done that way , but I wore myself out . Today as I was walking down the stairs I got so tired I had to stop and rest . I always park at the top of the hill because I feel strong to be able to get up and down those stairs . Half way down this morning I thought how am I going to get back up if I can 't get down . But I made it down and I got a lot of work done and I made it back up those stairs . Bruce and Kelly my Chief and Assistant Chief at work came into my office this morning and asked me if I would like to make my birthday party into a luncheon . No , I said , I don 't want people to think of this as a party , I just want them to come by and get a piece of cake , and ice cream , Kelly would add quickly , and then go . I am not serving drinks because I don 't want people to sit down and eat cake , I just want to pick up their plate and leave . They assured me that everyone thought of this as a party and that they were not coming to pick up cake , and ice cream , and leave . Well , I guess I should have kept my mouth closed , and then I could have gotten the cake and rolled it around on a cart and delivered the cake . Everyone loves cake , and I always think it is rude to not celebrate your birthday because then you are denying everyone of cake . That is just impolite to deny people of cake . So with everything going on with me , I just felt like I should celebrate my birthday and bring cake , and ice cream , and share them with my friends at work . That is what I was thinking . Everyone , and I mean everyone else thinks it is a party , with cake , and ice cream . Oh , well , I will just stand there cutting cake and that will limit conversations to " thank you " , " That is so sweet " , " I am so glad that you could make it " , " Don 't you look great ? " I can handle that . It is the conversations after the first pleasantries that I am not very gooIt has been quiet these last couple of days . I was going to go to the doctor 's office and try to get some answers and order copies of my records . But I am just too worn out to argue and deal with that . So I have a new plan . I will sit down this weekend and try and organize an outline of all the questions I guess I never thought to ask when this journey began . See if on Wednesday when we meet with Dr . B if I can get a logical order and understanding of what he thinks and why , and what is his plan , and then to discuss a second opinion . I did get to stop and have lunch on the porch with Ms Moon , and that was lovely , and now the temperatures are dropping quickly . Time to pull out the down comforter , snuggle down in bed and take a quiet weekend at home . Ms Moon sent home dinner , some of her delicious spaghetti . That is special . Geeta is coming over on Sunday for a girl 's visit . I am looking forward to getting to spend time with her . She sent me blessed nuts from the dance festival . That was special . It is Friday , I survived another week , a little worn out , but a weekend to recoup . Maybe I will plant my pansies and violets . The days are supposed to be mild and filled with sunshine . Posted by Jack and Jan came over last night for dinner . I made a salad , Jan made a vegetarian shepherd 's pie . The meal was delicious . Judy had come over earlier and we had drank champagne celebrating Judy 's day . It appeared that the Ex had been calling about every hour . Then it was every half hour then every 15 minutes . I finally answered the phone when it got to where he was calling less then 10 minutes apart . I answered politely and sweetly , " hello " Instead of the " WHAT ? ! ? ! " that was my first reaction . You see I had an epiphany after I finished writing the last blog . I don 't keep letting him into my life for him , but for myself . Because every time we part since about a year before we were divorced it ended badly . Usually very badly . And what I realized was I understood he is a master button pusher , and I end up at some point letting that button pushing set me off and then I act badly , whether a slap or yelling or the language . Whatever , I let him push my buttons and I give in each time he contacts me because I want a do over . I want to end this 25 year relationship as friends . Well , it just ain 't going to happen . After I said " hello " there was the sober voice of my Ex , " are you OK ? " he asks . " Yes , why ? " I asked . He said he had been trying to reach me and I was not answering the phone . I explained I had company , what did he want . He was in Monticello and wanted to come by to pick up the rest of his things . I told him that he didn 't have to wait for me , he could get his stuff out of the barn . Most of the stuff in the barn had been his anyway . I can lock the house and I really don 't want to play this again . He said he would be by around 1 : 00 . I called Judy and asked her to meet me at the house about the same time . I got up this morning , got ready for work and dressed a little nicer for a photo with out going Commissioner Bronson because of the united way campaign . I even put on makeup and then drove to work , did the " photo shoot " and then headed back to the office . There were a lot of things to handle so I didn 't leave until almost quarter to 1 : 00 . When I got home he was here finish packing his car . He again hit me up for money . Did I mention that this past week while he was staying at my house he was sneaking into my bedroom and taking money out of my change jar . He told me that the people he was staying with had stolen all of his money . I told him that it didn 't matter if you stole a little from someone or a lot it was still stealing . And then I filled a sandwich bag with what change was left from my change jar and I gave it to Larry and I told him that here was his 30 pieces of silver . I never said anything mean , I took him to the gas station and put gas in his truck . I want him to leave . He tried hard to be nice and leave as friends . I didn 't respond either way . I didn 't give him any opportunity to push a button . Every time he started to head in that direction again , I would change the subject . So when I got home I pulled a bottle of Korbel out of the frig and Judy and I celebrated finally the ending I always hoped for . So is this the end of the story now ? I hope so . I know that I am ready to move on . And I feel the closure where I didn 't let him push my buttons . Then I got an email from a friend who had just caught up information from a month ago . He asked me if I have given up . I burst into tears . Have I given up ? I am not happy with the miscommunication I am having with Dr . B . And yet , I am so overwhelmed I can 't think . I have so many things to take care of right now . I am trying to be a good steward of my life and estate , take care of the best opportunities retirement wise just in case I live another 5 or 10 or 20 years , and then normal life things and work and now having to make some hard decisions about my changePosted by |
I am Kathleen Tonski . I live in Monticello with my husband , Bug , our 2 dogs , 4 cats , 2 with tails , 2 with not , chickens , two ducks and a handful of gold fish . I have Stage 4 Lung cancer and Sittinonaporch is my journal of this journey . Something to help me to let go and find balance , to remember the moments of this journey as my memory clouds . This is the latest photo of our porch . Hopefully more photos of this special little porch to follow . And that is my honey next to me Today is Samhein . One of my favorite days and holidays . I love getting dressed up and trick or treat and candy and parties and bobbing for apples , and pumpkins and Indian corn . Last night I went out to Judy and Denise 's . I wore my wood nymph outfit , Denise was a bloody chef and Judy was a scare crow . They had decorated the yard and made food for friends to stop by , and set up things for the kids we are carried around on trailers and pickup trucks to see and have . It was a lot of fun . I came home and watched the end of Game 3 of the World series . I like watching the World Series , the Super Bowl , and final games of the sweet 16 and the pro basketball . I also love watching UF play football , and the Miami Dolphins , especially when they play the jets . That is always a great game . Tomorrow we start the process of the colonoscopy with the cleansing , etc . Thank goodness I read the paper because actually starting today things change . Today is no salads , nuts or seeds . Good thing I read that because actually that would have been my lunch . I will come up with something else now . And then tomorrow only clear liquids . Hmm , that is going to be interesting at work . I have to be able to think and finish my reports . It will all work out . I have been thinking about everything I still need to do to get ready to die . I am not planning on dying right of way , but we are all dying . Welcome to the club folks , we are members from the moment we are conceived . Fortunately most of us don 't have to think about this for most of our lives , but there comes a time when we might need to make arrangements . I am going to be cremated . No funeral , no fancy coffin , the simplest plain box that legally I can get away with . Honesty I would prefer no box if that was allowed . OK , so then I am cremated and I want my ashes to be spread around my gardens . No marker . Simple . What about for people who need to have some kind of service and a way to say good bye ? Well , The fanciest I would be interested in would be in the garden behind the Opera Hose . Honestly though , just having people come here to the house and do a cover dish thing . You know how I love cover dish dinners . Lots of beer , wine and cocktails . Lots of laughing . That would be perfect . So I need to get with a crematory and find out how to make arrangements . I mean after all I have time to take care of these things now , and it will make it easier on my beloveds as possible . I admit that I am not sleeping well this past few days . I guess part of it is the unknown with the new Dr . I really like Dr . M , but we are back to a lot of unknown . What is the cancer ? How will we treat it ? How long will I have ? These are all good questions and I am very open to the new and unknown , but that does not mean it is not still causing some anxiety . Not to mention Larry 's cancer . Sorry to all of you who think I should leave the door shut . I can 't I have cancer . I understand in a way what he is going through . His fears and concerns and the words , " I have cancer " Plus I spent more then 20 years taking care of him , and now that he is dealing with this disease I can not just turn my back on him . He can not come here to live , I can not give him money , but I can be kind to him . I can do some things to help him . I am not sure what all that means . It is very limited , but we have been through so many things together , and here at the end of his life , he feels like we are sharing something again . Yes , in some ways , and it does feel OK to have this additional connection to him . But I am still anxious . I also have to start researching how to die . I used to do an inspections at nursing homes . I saw all of these living dead . They were neither alive nor dead . I am not sure that dying comes as naturally as to every one . I will talk to the doctor and I will also talk to my friend Linda , who is a hospice nurse . I think I have this living thing down OK , but I am not sure if dying will come as naturally to me . And as I continue on this journey , working to stay alive is going to be part of it . So if I put all this energy into living , will I be able to then know how to die ? I am not sure . I would like to get some information on dying and then I can put it aside for when the time comes . I think that it will take some stress off of me . Get the arrangements made , learn how to die , finish getting the paperwork done . Make a list of what goes where , and then I can get back to living . OK , that is the plan . Don 't get me wrong , I am not wishing to die , but I am not afraid . I want everything . I want a healthy , happy life , I want to spend time with my loved ones . I want a good death . I went to see Oklahoma , and it was a wonderful production . It is community theater , so of course there were things about it that were better then others . But over all the set was wonderful , the actors did a fine job and looked like they enjoyed themselves , and at the intermission break I went back stage and hugged all the kids . I love them all so much . They are so talented and beautiful and wonderful and I am so very very proud of them . Tomorrow is work and clear liquid day . Yum . And then the cleansing meds , should be a fun evening , or not . Lots of tests this week and hopefully something will show Dr . M what we are really dealing with , or not . I have faith in him , and I trust him to be honest with us through this whole process . And yes , I am still very happy to be on this journey . I am learning so much , experiencing so much , there is so much love and support surrounding me . I am thankful for today . I am thankful for the opportunity of tomorrow . Judy and I headed up to Archibald today to the digestive health center . The woman had said something about going past the Emergency Entrance , so we did and came in the back of Archibald , directed out to the front of the hospital and to the Endoscopy Section . Then we had to run to the Digestive Center which was way back where we had started , sort of . It was really hard to understand anything that the woman said on my cell phone . I was not sure what we were going to be doing today . I was pretty sure we were not doing the colonoscopy today because he had not cleared my system out . But I had no idea what was up today . We finally made it into the Digestive Center , late . Wait , no we were not . The appointment was not at 9 , but at 9 : 40 . I swear all I heard her say over the cell phone was 9 . This is one of the reasons I prefer not to talk on the cell phone . But we were there and now to fill out the paperwork . Yesterday and today the paperwork was much more personalized to the situation , instead of the standard forms I have been filling out . Again , another doctor group that made us feel welcome . Then the doctor came in . He is buds with Dr . M . In fact they had talked about us yesterday . This doctor was also gorgeous , intelligent , funny , professional and had a great bed side manner . He was thorough and asked lots of questions , again did another hands on physical exam . And then discussed my um , movement patterns . Well he is getting ready to do a colonoscopy after all . He told me about what I would be doing next Monday to get ready , but this weekend he wants me to start cleaning out the system using Mirilax . I must have made a face because he asked me about it . I told him that I was really not sure about putting polyethylene glycol into my body , it sounds like something that should be put in a car instead . He laughed , and asked me to go ahead and do it and then I could put the rest in my car to make it run . Then he laughed at the joke he did not plan on saying . But he loved it . That is pretty funny , make the car " run " . Tuesday he will do the two procedures , an endoscopy and as Judy called it , an " uppie " . The doctor liked that also . It is nice to talk to doctors and have them be so funny and talk and laugh with us , and at the same time be serious about my cancer . After the appointment yesterday Judy and I drove to Boston , Ga . Then we headed to Quitman and ate at the Mexican food . After a satisfying lunch we headed home but stopped to cut sorghum to nice up the set for Oklahoma at the Opera House . At home we split a bottle of pink sparkling wine , Korbel . Today after our appointment we had BBQ at Granddaddy 's in Thomasville . Nice to enjoy time together and not just deal with doctors and cancer . On thing that the doctor had said yesterday that I think I had pushed out of my brain , is that if the colonoscopy , endoscopy , lab work and PET Scan doesn 't tell us about the primary source of cancer , then he wants to do a biopsy of the nodules on the lungs . I appreciate that he is wanting to get to the bottom of this little " c " so he knows what is the plan . What is the diagnosis to know the prognosis . I just got off the phone with Richard and Colleen . It was a mass they removed from Larry 's head , not a blood clot . Because of HIPPA , we can not get the direct information on what is going on with him . Richard and Collen said that Larry was told it was terminal . One thing that they know for sure , is that it was a 6mm mass pressing on his brain , not a blood clot . Larry has decided to go down to stay with his cousin Bonnie . This is much better news then staying with his brothers . I had hoped that they would get to be friends . That was / is unlikely , but I was trying to be hopeful . But his sweet cousin Bonnie loves Larry as much as he loves her . And she is the only person I ever saw have any type of influence over him . Heavens knows I never did . I don 't know how he will get to Bonnie 's , surely he should not be driving after major brain surgery . I find it so odd that we both have ended up in this situation . No one has said that he has / had cancer , but he had a 6mm mass on his brain , isn 't that cancer ? They say that one out two men and one out of three woman will get cancer , so I guess it is not a coincidence that we each have cancer . I think we have different cancers , and we have different lifeSittinOnAPorch A new day , a new doctor , a new hospital , a new start . I love our new doctor . First , he looks like a young Antonio Bandera . He is from Lebanon , yet his accent is very subtle . He is young , passionate about what he does and believes in staying up with all the latest information . Even when he is saying life expectancy is 12 - 24 months , it does not sound like a death sentence . He filled me with hope . He said that the type of cancer that I have been diagnosed with is a stage 4 . But he calls it " cup " , carcinoma unknown primary . Then he took a few minutes to review the records with Judy and me that Dr . B 's office had sent over . Mary is in Roseland with Mr . Moon and could not be there today . It felt like she was there with us , she is such an important part of this journey . But Dr . M said that he could not determine , based on the tests that have been run so far what type of cancer I have . So now , I will have the PET scan . Dr . B said it was of no value . This new doctor said , it is standard practice and very important to help diagnose this cancer . He also has set up an upper and lower endoscopy . OK , I am not excited about getting a colonoscopy , but it is an important test to determine what type of cancer I have . I was fine with Dr . B 's diagnosis . I mean I can go on line and find it . And I had to have a positive attitude and do the best I could by the doctor I had . But that was before months into the treatment , that he finally decided to make the " incurable " cancer statement . After that , and honestly a couple of other things , I lost confidence in him . It is hard to go through what you have to with cancer if you do not have faith in your doctor . OK , Dr . M is saying incurable , but he said it the very first visit . He also said whatever the type of cancer , it is stage 4 because it has metastasized , but until we know more about the primary source , we cannot make any prognosis . He was very professional , personable and passionate . He actually did a physical exam . Dr . B never touched me that I remember . Dr . M got in there and checked the lymph nodes . He seemed positive after that exam . He has already set up the endoscopy and I should know more about the colonoscopy tomorrow , and then the PET scan , and then more blood work before next Friday . He wants to be able to determine as much about this cancer as quickly as possible so he can develop the plan . After the chemo did not appear to affect the cancer , Dr . B was basically done with me . There was no talk about future care , it was call me if you need something . Dr . M made it clear that this is for the rest of my life . He isn 't promising me a longer life , but he did make it clear that he was in for the long haul . And everyone we met today was professional and so personable . And the facility is beautiful . And they don 't just take in to consideration of the patient , but also the caregivers that bring the patient in . Can you tell how hopeful I feel ? I mean I really don 't have that much more to be hopeful about , but I feel more hopeful . I feel like this doctor is going to do his best to give me a life . A life for however long it lasts . I still don 't believe it is how long you live . It is how well you live , and that is what he is offering me . I felt so good that when I talked to Rich this evening I told him that if he still had the opportunity to go to NY for Thanksgiving , I wanted to go with him . I mean if I am only going to live a few more years , I am not waiting to live . I can 't make any decisions yet concerning my retirement and how to deal with my money until I get the diagnosis , but I know that I have worked hard and put away money . Yes , I have lived a busy and active life , and there is no reason to stop now . Based on what the doctor finds with the tests will determine making arrangements for Vicki and me to go to Scotland . I will never be rich , but I can do the things that are most important to me . The chemo might interfere with trying to determine the source of the cancer , but Dr . M thinks it is still worth looking . He says that I might have to have more chemo , but that will be based on more tests and information . Not the buckshot chemo treatment , as Judy put it . Try the most common chemo and hope it is close enough . Dr . M of course did not say anything directly against Dr . B . But he did refer to the treatment that I had gotten from Dr . B as what a doctor reading a book can do . The treatment will only be as up to date as the book , and really , anyone can do that . Dr . M wants more facts so that he can search for the best and latest treatment to give me the best opportunities he can . I don 't remember everything that happened or was said today . I just remember I liked how this man talked to us , treated us and when we went to leave , Judy and I stuck out our hands to him and said , " Welcome to our Team " He made some comment about how excited he was to be a part of our team . Now that is special . Hope . Hope does not mean everything is going to be fixed immediately . That is what our President keeps trying to remind us . Hope is the starting place . There is a lot of hard work that comes after hope . And just because I have hope , it doesn 't mean that I am going to live forever . But it does mean that I have hope that this journey is going to be theHope . A new day , a new doctor , a new hospital , a new start . So this week has crept along . We have been busy at work . I have the most amazing staff . I know I have said this before , but really , no raise in the last like 5 years , we are now working at about half staff with the same work load and everyone keeps coming back each day . In fact because we are now testing a new commerce site so that we can start the process of accepting credit cards for payment , they have all come in early so that they can get their regular work done as well as do this new testing . And the IT section is having meetings and asking lots of questions , and they are right there . In fact they were coming up with such great ideas and giving out such great information , I left the meeting to man the phones and let them attend the meeting . OK , I am not crazy about meetings , but honestly I was trying to use my Certified Public Manager training . After all I have my certification or whatever it is called and I like to use what they taught me . It really does make a difference , and what I didn 't want to run into was group think . This is where everyone goes along with the boss in the room . So I took the boss out of the room and delegated the authority to them to make any necessary decisions and changes , with my final approval . But I rarely have to make any changes to their decisions . And it has taken a while to get the other people like the IT Section to not worry about me being in the meeting , but letting them instead work with the people who have done the work the longest , get the best input and then just send me an email about any changes so that I can sign off on it . It works well , and now with my cancer and being gone so much , the staff has really responded and they just blow me away . Giving people the power to have input and make decisions about their own destiny , work wise , brings the best out of my staff , and I can 't help but think that it would work with most groups . That is once you have properly delegated them the authority and respect to participate . I heard from my Ex husband at the beginning of the week . He was in the hospital in Brandon with an aneurysm or something pressing on his brain . I also think it was bleeding . It was hard to tell because by this point he was unable to do much more then the most basic communication , and that was difficult to understand . It does explain some of his extraordinary behavior when he was here . He was more aggressive and was already having problems talking , but he had been drinking so much by the time I got home each day ( I would find the glasses with the remains of the alcohol ) I naturally did not think any more then he was drunk . I have seen it more days then not in the last 5 years . They relieved the pressure on his brain by drilling a hole in the left side of his skull . He is doing much better now . I understand that he will be going up to stay with his oldest brother Carl when he first gets out of the hospital . I am glad that he and Carl will have this time together . Maybe they can get to be friends . It seems like the last couple of years he and his brother Sandy have started to become friends . Carl must be at least 73 or so , Sandy a couple years younger then that and Larry will be 61 in February . I am glad to see them getting together again . I am glad he has family to go to at this time . I have tried to call the doctor 's office this week to find out if they have received the medical records , but I could never get through to anyone . So we will just see tomorrow what they have gotten . I had something to do each day after work , so I was able to avoid going to get copies of my records for my own records . I know I need to do it , but it is more then I have been able to face . I start out all brave , have my will drawn up . Find out how to get my titles changed to add my brothers to it , so when I am gone they will not have to pay probate on it , talk to people about all of the choices and options for my retirement . I have looked into all of this , but I still have 3 / 4 of it yet to finish taking care of . I have been given lots of good ideas , and now I have a few more things to look into . And my mind is clearer , but my stamina is still pretty low . I am not complaining . I know that this will go away at some point . And in the meantime I am trying to learn how to take care of myself . I do like a quarter of what I used to do , but it still feels like too much . And who knows what this new doctor is going to try . It is sad to think I have such a slow lethargic cancer that standard chemo can 't get rid of it because it attacks the fastest growing cells , and my cancer is not the fastest growing cells . Go figure . Of course Linda and I laughed and laughed that neither of us are surprised that I got the strange cancer . I have never been one to do what is normal . I guess that goes all the way into my genes . Go figure . So I am trying to get back to a normal life . A new normal . A life where I live with my cancer . Where every thought , every sentence , every moment is not centered around cancer . The Copernicus of my life , my cancer . Well , it is time to learn to put it in its place . Maybe my hair will start to grow back in , that will help to give me back a life that is not focused first on cancer . A life where I can be just another person . Yes , I know my life will not be the same as it was a year ago . Whose life is the same ? I doSittinOnAPorch I started celebrating my birthday on Tuesday . I had picked up two delicious cakes from Costco , one chocolate layer cake filled with chocolate mousse and the other vanilla layer cake filled with vanilla mousse . Bob , my friend from work brought a pumpkin cheesecake bundt cake . Everyone was happy . There was also ice cream , but basically , it was just a chance for people at work to slip by and get cake , take a break for a few minutes from the daily grind and then slip back with plates filled with sweet sugary goodness . The next day was the doctor visit . I feel more and more comfortable with the fact that I may very well have cancer for the rest of my live . The fact that I have cancer does not mean that my life will be less or shorter . It simply means I will live with two incurable diseases . The most important lesson to learn is not how to live with cancer . No , it is about learning to live being more aware of each moment . I have always been more of a big picture person . Well , in the sense that I thought that by seeing the big picture and all the possibilities lay out in front of me that I could do it all . I could be a member of the stage company , even be the chairman , and work on every play that we put on at the Opera House and then work on every fund raising event and be on the Board for the Opera House beside the stage company . Then be the chairman of our little garden circle , and as active in the club as possible . And be the manager of the certification section with the Department of Ag & Consumer Services . And as my staff shrank from budget cuts , to work more and more with my staff to make sure that we keep up with our work so that the Applicators can do their work . So now , I have my own work and the work to help my staff , and take care of my home and gardens and animals . I went 24 / 7 , seriously . Go , go , go . It started as a way to avoid coming home and spending anytime with my then husband . I suppose it was hard on him , his drinking increased and he became addicted to crack . Although I cannot say when that started because now as I look back I realize that he had been do that for years and years . When I first moved here , it was just me and Maggie and Lily and my cats . It was magical , beautiful , peaceful . Then he came up and my life started to spin out of control , by my hand in a serious case of denial . Then anytime after that if there was something I wanted to do , I crammed it into a schedule that was not healthy . Sure , I ate well , I exercised , I drank in moderation , but I did not take time to really enjoy everything I was doiI had so many emails , phone calls and postings on my face book , cards and presents . It has been such a wonderful birthday , just based on the number of people contacting me . I appreciate every single person , each thought , each wish , each prayer . The party at Mary 's was perfect . All of her kids , except Jason who was at work were there . Owen definitely enjoyed my birthday way more then his own , and he kindly helped to unwrap presents and to ooh and ah along with me . And the gifts were all so thoughtful from everyone . And the presents have been coming for weeks . I feel so special . I feel so loved . Most of my beloveds from the Stage Company were there , even if just for a moment , like Colin zooming in and out after attending a private violin concert . We laughed and talked and ate . Oh did we eat ! We had food from all over the world and delicious . Mary made greens and pinto beans and cornbread . There was shrimp salad , quiche , sandwiches and salad , a spicy pasta salad made by our Malaysian cook and Spicy garbanzos made by Geeta , Fred and Marcy brought a home made dark chocolate ice cream that went wonderfully with Mary 's amazing carrot cake , and smoked salmon , cheese , chips and dip , and the table creaked a little under the weight of the food . And we ate and ate and drank and laughed and my heart was filled to overflowing to be in the presence of these dear beloved ones . The party did not go late , I was home before 10 . Yesterday I met Bob in town and we spent the morning at the St . Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival . The weather was perfect that time in the morning , cool a light breeze and the sky clear and blue . We watched them tag the butterflies and how they check for diseases , etc . We stopped and perused the booths , Bob bought me a red potterweed from the Lincoln High School plant nursery . The man at the booth threw in a portulaca to boot . I will have to over winter them in the greenhouse , but that is why I have a greenhouse . We had such a lovely time . He offered to take me on to the Stone Crab Festival , but I don ' SittinOnAPorch The scan results are the same as April . No change . The same . Good news he said . Then why am I feeling so what ? I don 't know . This morning as we drove to the doctor 's Mary was tired from not sleeping , I was hyper . I could have sat in a corner by myself and talked nonstop going faster and faster until even dogs could not hear me . I really tried to control it , but I know that I drove Mary a little insane . Ok , here is one reason I am feeling , anxious ? disappointed ? depressed ? umm no those aren 't quite right ? I had the first CTscan in April . I had had many chest X - rays and each time they were the same , no change . So it is not like the chemo is holding this disease at bay . The cancer is not spreading . My lungs are not filling with fluid . But the fluid had not increased from April until they aspirated the fluid , around 400 cc , from my pleural / lung area . So the fact that the fluid has not returned does not necessarily mean much to me . I mean other then comfort . I can breathe so much better and I am not having the severe pain from the pleurisy . Mary pointed these out to me . She is right , I am so much better in those ways . I can walk and do more physical things now then before they pulled the fluid off . It is hard to remember that when I am dealing with the side effects of the chemo . So yes , today was good news , and Dr . B was pleasant and didn 't look so shocked and scared of us , so that was good . And I had questions and I asked them and Dr . B answered them . He looked so much more comfortable with us . It was a good visit , and a visit that did not end in chemo . That is good . I will get to celebrate my birthday no worse then I am now . That is good . I might even be a little better maybe a little stronger . Dr . B was very open to a second opinion and said that he would call Archibald for an appointment for me for . We left on some of the best terms that we have had . Why am I not happier ? Did I really subconsciously think it would be gone ? Did I think I was healed ? I know that I had hope that things would be better , that somehow this would not be incurable . I know I hoped for that . I just didn 't think that I had set my heart to that so hard . I have incurable cancer . It is not getting worse , it is not getting better . It is not spreading , I am not in pain or discomfort or have any problems because of it . I am not sick . I don 't get nauseous except for a day or two on the chemo and that is controlled with a single pill . This is all good . I feel healthy , strong . Alive . I am alive . There is no reason to think that I will not be alive for years to come . Now I rest . No chemo to wear out my body for a little while now . This is good news . I was set for the chemo today . It is the pattern that I have set in my life for the last several months . I know it , I am used to it . I was getting used to the side effects . I felt strong that I could handle it . But not having to deal with the chemo is definitely preferable . And with my birthday just two days away and maybe having friends coming through town during that time , and the St . Marks Monarch Butterfly Festival on Saturday and a St . Andrews party not to mention baby Colin 's birthday party , well this is a big weekend and will be much more enjoyable without the struggles with chemo . I might even be able to do most of these things . This is all good . So again , why don 't I feel better ? I know more today about my little " c " then I did before , or I should say that what I knew before has been reinforced . And that news changes this from a ferocious cancer to once again my little " c " , the wimpy , slow moving cancer . Each time I learn more about my disease I have to process it . Sometimes that takes minutes , other times days or even weeks as I roll it around my brain . I am sure as I work through this I will realize how good the news today was . Mary and Judy understand . That is 2 / 3rds of us . And we had a wonderful celebration morning to replace the chemo . AI have lived with an incurable disease already . For 25 years I have lived with an incurable disease in my liver and I live an active , happy life . Busier then most , strong and healthy . So now I have an incurable disease on my lungs and bones . Is that how it is going to be with me ? Will I just keep getting incurable diseases until there is no more room for incurable ? Well , we all will have our bodies die in this world sometime . That is how it goes . You are born , you live your life , or not , and then you die . It is not that you live and die , it is how you live your life . It is not the beginning or the end of the journey , it is the journey itself . I have said this over and over , and many people have said the same thing . They know too . So I shall live my life . I will take this journey and try to notice as many moments as possible . I am strong , I am healthy , I am alive . I am alive and I plan to be this way for , well , I don 't know that anymore then anyone else , but I do know , the doc gave us good news . I am alive So I drank the delicious banana flavored barium . Let me just say that was some of the most foul substance I have ever put in my mouth . Big gag time reflex . But I was able to get it down with about 3 glasses of water in just under 30 minutes . I woke up all night running to the bathroom and I would drink another glass of water when I woke up . I struggled with trying to keep it down all night . I knew that I if it didn 't then that would mean no scan today . And I got up early and this time within 20 minutes I was able to get the second one down . Well , I didn 't actually vomit it back up , but that is only because as it started to come up , I would do whatever it took to not vomit . As soon as I got into the office for the scan , I asked for a vomit bag . I didn 't need it , but I wasn 't sure . And then I had to drink some of the vanilla to " top off my stomach " I have to say that my stomach felt topped off . But the vanilla was much better . So they did the abdomen scan and they did a chest scan . I will ask Dr . B tomorrow about why are we doing abdomen scans . Does he think it is spreading , or is he just making sure . That is part of the problem with him is that we don 't understand what he is doing so we do not know what to think . Hopefully we will get some answers tomorrow . I hope so , it will help as I listen to the second opinion to understand what Dr . B thinks . The Radiation Therapist spoke very highly of Archibald . So that is reassuring . And the scans went just fine and I am very curious to see what they find . I am not looking forward to future scans if I have to drink that horrid barium , not to mention the dye that makes you feel like you are wetting yourself in a public place . The Therapist said he could work with me to drink the barium solution in water at the office if I have trouble in the future getting down the vanilla flavored source . I told him that I hope that things are going well enough that I will need to have another scan in the future . Then I went to work with my cakes . Bob brought a delicious pumpkin cheesecake flavored bundt cake . It was wonderful . I had the chocolate mouse and vanilla mouse cake . People came by I gave them cake and for the most part they left shortly after , most of them to go get their lunch . It was perfect and a good time and good cake was had by all . Although I only had a taste I can definitely recommend the cakes from CostCo . Thanks Denise ! ! ! You were right . I heard several people say that it was better then a Publix cake . I got lots of sweet and funny cards , and it was very special . Tonight as I sat finishing up the renewals it was just getting dark and I heard Bea screaming . I grabbed a flashlight and ran out to the coop . Bea was huddled in a corner screaming , feathers every where . I did not see the perpetrator but Bea is missing lots of feathers and has some serious scratches and bite marks on her butt . Chicken engineering is amazing with all those feathers and down that help a chicken survive . It must take quite a bit to get through the feathers and down to the chicken . She was so upset , but calmed down quickly when I picked her up and stroked her then put her in a corner on the nesting box . Dani and Buttercup sleep in the very tip top corner of the roof over the nesting box just under the eve of the coop . It takes a bit to get at them , so they are safer . Bea is fine , and I tried to put barriers up in the rabbit holes , I have no other idea on how and who is getting in there and eating my chickens . Poor Bea she is going to be uncomfortable for a few days . I have now gotten past the first of the people involved birthday events , and it was a success . Now to relax and enjoy Friday at Mary 's . It will mostly be Stage Company people , but there may be a few people from Tallahassee . Tomorrow during chemo Mary , Judy and I will discuss Friday and what to do . Vicki called and she sounds so happy . I miss her so much , but she is in a good place in her life , and I am so happy for that . She is an amazing woman ! That is all for today . I need to get my list finished for Dr . B . I have been thinking about it for a while , but haven 't got it all put together . I need to do that before I sleep tonight . I think I will sleep well , what with no barium to deal with . And tomorrow we will see if this chemo has helped at all . I am hopeful . As I sit here in my red chair stuffing renewal notices into envelopes I am watching the Public Television series on cancer . I recorded it weeks ago and forget all about it until today . It is very interesting and mostly a review of what I know about cancer , but very well presented and I am enjoying it . I sit here and watch , stuff the envelopes and leak tears as they tell the different stories . They have presented this disease in a very hopeful way , and I think what is the best thing they said , and keep saying over and over , your attitude makes a huge difference . Most of the people in the show are in various degrees of baldness . Another is they talk about treating for the pain . That is one of the things they can do , so they like to talk about that . The coolest part was to see a guy getting radiation wearing a mask like what I wore . They talked about the roller coaster daily of emotions , and laughing even if you are dying of cancer . Survivors talked about how much you love those around you as you get your perspective together with this disease . All of the families talked about how for the most part it brought families closer , but not always . Most of all , terminal or treatable , you have to continue to live . It also was amazing how fast it can hit you at the end . In those situations I know I would choose like one of the patients opted , hospice instead of continuing the treatments . His wife had an opportunity to walk her husband to the other side . And then he was gone . I appreciate hearing this . I hope not to need this for years to come , but dying is a lot more work then we think about sometimes , and it is helpful to hear about it in this perspective . Somehow they told this man 's story through the end of his journey and even though he is gone , it was a joyful story . I am listening to these stories and some of them were angry , and asked why me . Hmmm , I am not sure why . Each person is different , and that is another thing they kept saying , cancer is as diverse as each person who gets it . They also talked about other opinions from doctors . The woman whose story was told asked why me , and she is a scientist , and once she got past the anger , she turned to science . Even as a scientist she had to deal with months of emotional energy . And they also talked about how much we don 't know . Are 4 treatments enough ? Are 6 better ? We don 't know a lot of these answers because they are making their best guess . And as you have heard over and over , but it really is true , they are only practicing medicine . One thing that I know is I am very lucky with with what I have experienced so far . No blood cots , a strong immune system . I am comfortable living with cancer . I have no panic , I have almost welcomed this journey as a new adventure . OK , so it hasn 't been the most fun , not like jumping out of a plane or hot air ballooning , but I have got to hear from beloveds that I might not have stopped to make the time to talk to . I just got to talk to my friend Jennifer . She and I met in the second grade and were close all through school until we graduated from UF . She moved back to Palmetto to be a school teacher . I moved to Key West to become a Special Ed Ag teacher . She went on to get her PhD in education and is still very involved in that field . I taught one year and then tried something else . Very different journeys in this life , but still dear friends . Then I got to talk to Colleen , a friend from the Brooksville area . She and our other friend Linda are planning a trip up . I am looking forward to that . Then I saw that Vicki had called , so I called her back and her life has taken an interesting twist . I am not sure where it is heading , but I am thrilled for her , whichever way it goes . Then I called Ms Moon and I shall call Judy and Denise shortly . I have a CTscan tomorrow morning . Tonight I have to drink banana flavored barium . I mean come on , who thinks making it banana flavored will help . Then I have to get up a little early tomorrow morning to drink the other bottle of deliciousness . I can 't eat anything after midnight . Well , I am asleep at that time , so that shouldn 't be hard , but I do have to drink as much water as possible . And if I told them that I had blood pressure problems or was diabetic I could even eat a light breakfast . I am not diabetic , so no food for me . But really won 't I be full after those lovely bottles of banana flavored barium ? Yum . But the scan is of my abdomen . I am confused . I thought the cancer was on my lungs and pleural lining . I didn 't think that an abdomen scan goes up to my lungs . We will see Wednesday what Dr . B thought . I picked up my cakes at Costco today . A chocolate layer cake and a vanilla layer cake . I have plates , napkins and spoons . Kelly is bringing the ice cream . So hopefully we are all set . I got most of the renewals stuffed , I can finish the rest tomorrow . Now to eat dinner . Geeta sent me a beautiful dinner and I am sure that I am going to enjoy it . So a lovely day , very productive and another gorgeous day . From my red chair I have a window to the back yard behind me and the front door looking through my little front porch to my gorgeous front yard . The week has begun , a big week and so far , so good ! Last night I stripped down and looked at myself , I mean really looked at myself . I look like an alien . I don 't mean someone from Mexico , I mean the kind that Signoury Weaver kills in the movies . I have this tiny little head on top of this body that is lean , but not in shape . Strong wide shoulders covered with skin that looks dry and loose . The muscles are not toned , sort of like a being that is not used to living on this planet with our gravity . My arms and legs are very long in comparison to my body and they are also very thin . In other words I look very much like a movie maker 's idea of an alien . Add on how I move now with the lower stamina and exhausted muscles and I look like I am not used to this planet . I guess it makes sense as you cope with this disease and go places you never knew existed let alone of going to , that your body would look and / or feel alien or foreign as the doctors use their WMDs . My friend Susan said that it is healthy to see my body this way . There are two basic groups . Those who deny the disease and those that accept it and give into the treatments and the changes . I can see how easy it would be to deny this disease . I don 't feel it . I am dealing with the side effects of chemo , not the symptoms of cancer . Since the radiation took the pain away with the cancer on my bones I have not been in any pain from the actual cancer . So right now , I could skip the chemo and deny that I have the little " c " . But the lab work says otherwise , and although this disease is an emotional disease , the lab work is fact . For the most part I have accepted my alien body , but then when I have to see people who have not seen me since I started this journey , I am so self conscience . I am vain . I don 't look so bad in clothes , but without them , that is a different story . And even though everyone sees me in clothes , obviously I don 't walk around naked , I know what I look like under the clothes . I am maintaining my weight . All this week I have been around the 123 mark . That is not too thin for me . I have actually been able to pull clothes out of the back of my closet that fit me again . I don 't know that I was this thin before , but I think I was in better shape , tighter , firmer . I kept up my exercises for a while , but I have let those slip away now . I should do yoga and stretch out . Funny how when your body needs it the most it is the hardest to do . Today was garden club . We made reindeers out of pine cones . I managed to make one . I have cancer so no one makes fun of me when I do less then others . And I can leave early and now no one thinks anything of it . Sometimes having cancer is such a plus . I love the ladies in our circle , but I am so inept at being around people . I went out to feed the chickens and one of the peeps didn 't make it . The other two are looking good . Yesterday I realized that someone was pecking them . I suspect Bea so I moved her and the other two hens into one side of the coop and left Zora with her peeps in the other side . This will let me give her as much time as possible with the peeps , but at some point , I am afraid I will have to take them away from her and keep them safe . Peeps can get into places their mamas can 't go , and then harm can come to them . But we will see how things go , take it day by day . It has been a lovely weekend . I did manage to get the pansies and violas planted , and when I got up this morning they were still there . The rabbits haven 't eaten them yet . I did put out rabbit food with scratch and most of that was gone . So it would appear that domesticated rabbits , even those who live like wild ones , actually prefer the pelleted rabbit food over plants . Hmmm , who would have guessed . Geeta was supposed to come over this evening , but she had a family emergency , so we postponed this to another time . I hope all is going to be OK with her family . So another week is upon us . A week filled with cake and birthdays , chemo and friendships . A busy week , I am ready for it . Posted by Someone ate David Smith . I can 't tell Christopher that a raccoon ate his chicken . Pat and I already talked about it this morning . We will pull the gold fish switch and see if that helps . If he figures it out , then this will be David Smith the second . It had to be some kind of animal capable of getting in through the rabbit hole . I suppose it could also be a fox . I don 't know . All that was left was a pile of feathers and scat from the predator . It was pretty big scat , so it could have been either of those creatures . All I know is that David Smith is gone . I cried . I understand the circle of life , but sometimes it is just too much in my face . sigh But the same day I discovered David Smith gone , I checked on the other chickens and there sat Zora , in her shiny black feathers sitting on a nest of about a dozen eggs . Well , there is one less egg because nestled into her chest feathers was the palest yellow , almost white peep . Peeping away . And now there are three . sigh Mary had just told me that her neighbor Carolyn had offered her some biddies . We had both talked about not wanting to take on baby chickens at this point . It is a lot of work keeping them warm and clean and fed and watered , and safe . And with winter just around the corner that means all the more care and attention they will need . And now there are three peeps to take care of . Zora will do a fine job , hopefully in the beginning , but as they get bigger , she will loose her focus and then nature takes it course , and that is just too much for me right now . I would rather do all the work to try and keep them alive then to have to go out each day and pick up little dead bodies that have succumbed to some tragic ending . sigh I swear you give that Zora Neal just a day or two when your body is so beat up with chemo that you miss picking up a couple of eggs ( she will bury them sometimes so that I can 't find them ) and she gets on that nest when she sees me coming and she is mean . I will finally give up because I hate having her peck at me and then flap her wings up in my face and if I do get her off the nest then she will come at my legs . Shoot anyone with that much passion deserves to sit on her eggs . And for some reason I always believe that she will never hatch them . But she does . I have only had the Marvella twins who were so set on brooding . But they only hatched out 2 peeps with all their efforts all those years . I don 't know why Zora can keep putting them out , when the Marvellas in their whole lives only managed the 2 between them . I need to have a mind shift , and just be the biped , the one with the alleged bigger brain and find a way to keep her from sneaking eggs and then hatching them out . I hate to admit it though I love the babies . I love the soft , fluffy peeps , making that noise that wakes some mother instinct in me . I can almost tell you how many peeps there are before I even get into the coop to check for sure . That is part of the bunny problem I have . I tried to give them a happy life as close to their natural world as they wanted , and before I knew it I have bunnies all over the yard . And those the size of a tennis ball , mostly golden colored with the soft white fur on their bellies . The big eyes , the sweetness of a small fury adorable creature . Sigh , I am a sucker for that . So today when I plant my pansies and violets I know I have to keep in mind that they are very tasty and the bunnies are going to want them . I think I will plant some in what had been an herb garden until the chickens and bunnies got to it . Now it is an unattractive large half filled dirt pile in a container we used for the fountain in Hot Dogs and Cool Cats . Herb had painted himself with clown white and played the part of a statue that when the dogs We had a fire at the Jefferson County Animal Sthis past week , so I am going to head up to the post office for the fund raiser . No animals were harmed , but this is a big expense for our little shelter . And after I go there I think I will go to the pumpkin patch at the Waukeenah Methodist church and see if they have a fun pumpkin . I already have a few pumpkins . I never cut them . Well , unless I eat them . Otherwise I just have pumpkins sitting around my house , inside and out . I love their colors and shapes . I have one blue pumpkin I grew last year that is still strong and beautiful sitting on a shelf in my house . I had a squash one time for almost 2 years before something got through the tough shell and it started to go bad . Then I fed it to the chickens . The flesh is too hard for them to eat mostly , but if you let it sit for a couple of days the insect creatures that come to feast on the gourds is like Halloween candy to the chickens , so the circle of life continues " It ain 't necessarily so " by Willie Nelson just came on and Bob loves to dance to it . The dog , not my friend from work . He stands up on his back two legs and we sway and then I let go and spin around and so does he and then back up he comes on those strong legs . Our dancing has wakened Harry who clambers off the couch still sleepy eyed and dances with me also . Harry can no longer get up on his back legs . He is large and old but he loves to sway back and forth and I hold his shoulders and dance around him . He still loves to dance . And then the song is over and I sit down and finish this record of today . Bob gets up in the other red chair . Harry falls back asleep where he is on the floor . I need to get up and get dressed and up town to the fund raiser . The day is bright . The green is that deep tired green of fall that is dark and intense with a spring and summer filled with different greens , now slowing down . The temperature is getting warm enough that I can be comfortable outside . I don 't like cold weather . I never complain about the heat , but once it droPosted by For the last two weeks I have been trying to pick a project at work each day and set a goal to finish it . So sometimes I had to work a little longer at work to meet my goal , and it caught up with me today . I got a lot done that way , but I wore myself out . Today as I was walking down the stairs I got so tired I had to stop and rest . I always park at the top of the hill because I feel strong to be able to get up and down those stairs . Half way down this morning I thought how am I going to get back up if I can 't get down . But I made it down and I got a lot of work done and I made it back up those stairs . Bruce and Kelly my Chief and Assistant Chief at work came into my office this morning and asked me if I would like to make my birthday party into a luncheon . No , I said , I don 't want people to think of this as a party , I just want them to come by and get a piece of cake , and ice cream , Kelly would add quickly , and then go . I am not serving drinks because I don 't want people to sit down and eat cake , I just want to pick up their plate and leave . They assured me that everyone thought of this as a party and that they were not coming to pick up cake , and ice cream , and leave . Well , I guess I should have kept my mouth closed , and then I could have gotten the cake and rolled it around on a cart and delivered the cake . Everyone loves cake , and I always think it is rude to not celebrate your birthday because then you are denying everyone of cake . That is just impolite to deny people of cake . So with everything going on with me , I just felt like I should celebrate my birthday and bring cake , and ice cream , and share them with my friends at work . That is what I was thinking . Everyone , and I mean everyone else thinks it is a party , with cake , and ice cream . Oh , well , I will just stand there cutting cake and that will limit conversations to " thank you " , " That is so sweet " , " I am so glad that you could make it " , " Don 't you look great ? " I can handle that . It is the conversations after the first pleasantries that I am not very gooIt has been quiet these last couple of days . I was going to go to the doctor 's office and try to get some answers and order copies of my records . But I am just too worn out to argue and deal with that . So I have a new plan . I will sit down this weekend and try and organize an outline of all the questions I guess I never thought to ask when this journey began . See if on Wednesday when we meet with Dr . B if I can get a logical order and understanding of what he thinks and why , and what is his plan , and then to discuss a second opinion . I did get to stop and have lunch on the porch with Ms Moon , and that was lovely , and now the temperatures are dropping quickly . Time to pull out the down comforter , snuggle down in bed and take a quiet weekend at home . Ms Moon sent home dinner , some of her delicious spaghetti . That is special . Geeta is coming over on Sunday for a girl 's visit . I am looking forward to getting to spend time with her . She sent me blessed nuts from the dance festival . That was special . It is Friday , I survived another week , a little worn out , but a weekend to recoup . Maybe I will plant my pansies and violets . The days are supposed to be mild and filled with sunshine . Posted by Jack and Jan came over last night for dinner . I made a salad , Jan made a vegetarian shepherd 's pie . The meal was delicious . Judy had come over earlier and we had drank champagne celebrating Judy 's day . It appeared that the Ex had been calling about every hour . Then it was every half hour then every 15 minutes . I finally answered the phone when it got to where he was calling less then 10 minutes apart . I answered politely and sweetly , " hello " Instead of the " WHAT ? ! ? ! " that was my first reaction . You see I had an epiphany after I finished writing the last blog . I don 't keep letting him into my life for him , but for myself . Because every time we part since about a year before we were divorced it ended badly . Usually very badly . And what I realized was I understood he is a master button pusher , and I end up at some point letting that button pushing set me off and then I act badly , whether a slap or yelling or the language . Whatever , I let him push my buttons and I give in each time he contacts me because I want a do over . I want to end this 25 year relationship as friends . Well , it just ain 't going to happen . After I said " hello " there was the sober voice of my Ex , " are you OK ? " he asks . " Yes , why ? " I asked . He said he had been trying to reach me and I was not answering the phone . I explained I had company , what did he want . He was in Monticello and wanted to come by to pick up the rest of his things . I told him that he didn 't have to wait for me , he could get his stuff out of the barn . Most of the stuff in the barn had been his anyway . I can lock the house and I really don 't want to play this again . He said he would be by around 1 : 00 . I called Judy and asked her to meet me at the house about the same time . I got up this morning , got ready for work and dressed a little nicer for a photo with out going Commissioner Bronson because of the united way campaign . I even put on makeup and then drove to work , did the " photo shoot " and then headed back to the office . There were a lot of things to handle so I didn 't leave until almost quarter to 1 : 00 . When I got home he was here finish packing his car . He again hit me up for money . Did I mention that this past week while he was staying at my house he was sneaking into my bedroom and taking money out of my change jar . He told me that the people he was staying with had stolen all of his money . I told him that it didn 't matter if you stole a little from someone or a lot it was still stealing . And then I filled a sandwich bag with what change was left from my change jar and I gave it to Larry and I told him that here was his 30 pieces of silver . I never said anything mean , I took him to the gas station and put gas in his truck . I want him to leave . He tried hard to be nice and leave as friends . I didn 't respond either way . I didn 't give him any opportunity to push a button . Every time he started to head in that direction again , I would change the subject . So when I got home I pulled a bottle of Korbel out of the frig and Judy and I celebrated finally the ending I always hoped for . So is this the end of the story now ? I hope so . I know that I am ready to move on . And I feel the closure where I didn 't let him push my buttons . Then I got an email from a friend who had just caught up information from a month ago . He asked me if I have given up . I burst into tears . Have I given up ? I am not happy with the miscommunication I am having with Dr . B . And yet , I am so overwhelmed I can 't think . I have so many things to take care of right now . I am trying to be a good steward of my life and estate , take care of the best opportunities retirement wise just in case I live another 5 or 10 or 20 years , and then normal life things and work and now having to make some hard decisions about my changePosted by |
I 'd never actually met Mark and Lisa . I 'd watched them from on high so to speak , wheeling through the air overhead to see that they were alive and well , but I 'd never spoken to them . I 'd never knocked on their door and given them cupcakes . I 'd never brought another Cherub to their doorstep and made them feel awkward . I had now though , and it had been everything uncomfortable thing I 'd thought it would be . I knew that they knew , but it 's still not normal for a mortal to accept that the people standing there bringing them baking were angels who 'd started a war against their own kind . I think to a great extent they still hadn 't fully accepted it . I guess it was one of those things you do because you have to , not because you wanted to . We 'd not even really tried at small talk . I told them who I was and gave them the plastic container with the cupcakes in it . Serielle smiled and tried to simmer and bubble less than she usually did . We both did . There was a mood of tension and sadness and I 'd told her as we walked up to the door to just keep cool and not try to cheer these people up too much . They had every right to be unhappy with all of this ; there are certain parts of people 's lives that shouldn 't overlap with certain parts of other people 's lives . Not having a choice made it all worse . So that everyone else could have choices back they had had to give up theirs . That 's pretty dismal if you ask me . No one had asked me , though . Even if they had I would have deferred input , letting someone else make a call on this one . They were good people and didn 't deserve to be put in the position they were in . They trusted Aliona though . ' That 's how faith works ' as she was always saying . I had knocked on the door expecting them to display some kind of broken sadness , but it was a grim acceptance and determination that had greeted us instead . Especially from Lisa ; I had a feeling that this woman could chew up steel and spit nails . Mark , the man , had been detached . Resentful almost . They 'd both asked if we knew how Aliona was doing and I was a bit ashamed to admit to them that I didn 't even really know where she was . I think they were in the Middle East somewhere but I couldn 't be sure . I told them that the less they knew the better it actually was for them . They couldn 't be forced to tell anyone something that they didn 't know . I shouldn 't have said it , it scared them and set off a line of questioning to which I had no choice but to respond the same way . You don 't want to know . The less you know the better . I 'm in the city if you need anything , call this number and I 'll be here in moments . Etcetera . When Mark told me to keep an eye out for her , to keep her safe if I could , I hadn 't meant to laugh . It wasn 't funny , it was just silly and it wasn 't his fault he didn 't know that . Me keep her safe ? Ha . It wasn 't their fault they didn 't get the joke . It wasn 't their fault that they had only the barest and leanest understanding of exactly who she was . She told me that she 'd explained it to them and when they didn 't get it she 'd touched them and shown them . There had to be a kind of love between the three of them that I couldn 't fathom in order for them not to have had their minds burned out by such a thing . They 'd shown us the Rislyn flower in the backyard when Sara asked to see it . It made her weep . They just don 't get that big . It wasn 't just tears of joy though , there was something else to Serielle 's tears . I didn 't push it though , I could sense she 'd rather not talk about it . We left in awe . I was still amazed by the sight of it and we drove in silence when we left , not saying a word until we pulled up in a shopping district . That 's probably why I hadn 't noticed the car following us ; I 'm not a ' secret agent ' type , it wasn 't my bag . That was more Christopher 's game , and he was with Aliona and Avrielle who knows where doing who knows what . I saw it when we left the shops though , low and black and tinted . My new jeans were stiff and tight , I couldn 't wait for them to be broken in a bit more so I didn 't feel like I was wearing paper . The shirt , thin black and white vertical stripes , was soft though and the black glasses with the chunky white frames I wore hid my eyes . It was a necessary evil sometimes ; I didn 't really know what we were walking into and I didn 't need the attention of everyone I made eye contact with . Sara and I drew enough attention as it was just by being what we were . She had worn her own pair ; narrow and angular , black frames , gold tinted lenses . Tight jeans that made her ass pop out like a school kid trying to get someone 's attention and It just wasn 't easy for Cherubs to blend in . Even when we tried we just stood out even more in the obviously feigned nonchalance . Whoever was following us wouldn 't have a hard time of it . I 'd taken Sara 's keys and got behind the wheel in case we needed to do something tricky . She tried to assure me she could drive as well as anyone but that wasn 't good enough for me . If there was one thing other than seduction games and subtly moving things into their proper place that I was good at it was driving . I could make a vehicle do things the manufacturers had only dreamed about when planning the commercials with marketing executives . The fastest route between two points came naturally to me . I became almost one with whatever car I was in control of ; it became an extension of my body and almost responded at the speed of thought . " Car ? " she asked , looking in the door mirror on her side of the car , using the little stick to move it . " I don 't see it . There 's a lot of cars back there , are you sure ? " " Put the mirror back , yeah ? I need that to drive , " I told her . She moved it around while I tried to do the same with the little control on my own side of the car . We achieved nothing ; it was more out of place now than it had been before so I gave up . " It 's a black town car three back and one lane to the right . See if you can see what the driver 's thinking , I 'm going to get us off this freeway . " Serielle slid into the back , kneeling on the back seat and peering over its top she craned her neck back and forth , removing her sunglasses . I saw a small opening and wedged the car into it . People honked and shook their fists at me as I wiggled across three lanes of barely moving vehicles and coasted down an off ramp into an industrial area . " They 're coming , " she said . I glanced in the rearview mirror and sure enough they were . They freed themselves from the snarled traffic and were sitting at the top of the exit , waiting for me to get some distance before they followed . " I can 't get inside , Samael . Something 's stopping me . " " Don 't wreck my car ! " she said , climbing back into the front seat . " l love this car . They 're still back there . " " We 'll see about that , won 't we ? " I knifed the car to the right around a corner without slowing , sliding gracefully around the corner and drifting into a side lane to head back the way we 'd come from . " Put on your seatbelt , love . " I floored it again and turned left , through the open chain link gate in a fence around a yard stacked with shipping containers and racks of huge steel pipe . I raced between the rows of containers and jacked the green BMW between two of them while Sara gripped the door in one hand and the center console in her other . She 'd put her glasses back on but I could tell by her raised brow that she had her eyes wide . I shifted higher and slid around the end of the row , the tires and Sara squealing . " We 're in a yard , Samael , " she said . " There 's a fence , why 'd we come in here ? " " There 's an opening up ahead , " I said calmly , the engine 's purr raised to a growl as we flew towards the back of one of the warehouses . As we flew towards it Sara was just starting to yell at me to stop when a large door in its wall door started sliding upwards . As we reached it people in coveralls with their sleeves cut off jumped back out of the way and we shot under the door 's edge , only an inch or so of space keeping the roof from being separated from the rest of the car . The front of the warehouse was open to the street and we sped through , welding sparks bouncing off the hood as we passed the shocked workers inside . I wrenched the wheel around and we slid sideways and turned right again . We were heading back down the same street we were on before I turned into the storage yard and the black car was ahead of us , someone talking through the passenger window to a blue clad worker of some sort . Whoever it was looked back towards us , hanging out the window , and banged on the outside of the door with the palm of their hand . They sped off , us coming up fast behind them . " Change of plans . Let 's be proactive , yeah ? " I had to know who they were , how long they 'd been following us , what the hell they wanted . " Just don 't wreck my car ! " she pleaded . We raced after the black town car through the streets and lanes of the industrial area . The driver knew what he was doing , but he didn 't have what I have . A supernatural ability to see the right path , the right turns to make , when to speed up and when to slow down . I don 't know how I do it , it just happens . They 'd pull ahead as I slowed and find themselves blocked by a truck backing up and we 'd cut between some buildings to come out beside them . They 'd try to lose us by cutting back and forth through side lanes and when they pulled back onto a main road I 'd be there , right behind them . Eventually I saw them pull into a narrow space between stacked crates and I slowed to a crawl , waiting to see what they 'd do . They must have thought they 'd lost us . I killed the engine and coasted towards them quietly , stopping with Sara 's car blocking their exit from the blind alley . The two men in the front seat actually ducked down quickly , as though we hadn 't already seen them . Amateurs . I got out of the car , leaving the driver 's door open , and Sara followed . " Pip pip and all that , " I said , waving and smiling . They slowly slid back up in their seats , the driver saying something to the other . They looked to be arguing about what to do next . Sara was right ; something stopped me from touching their minds and hearing their thoughts . Odd ; someone had protected them . Someone who knew what they were doing and who they 'd be following . " Then don 't follow people ! " Sara said . She sounded nervous , unsure . This wasn 't my game , but it wasn 't even in her vocabulary . I held my hand out towards her , motioning for her to stay calm . " Now you tell us who you work for and why you 're following us ! " Sara shouted at them . I looked over my shoulder at her quickly , frowning at her to be quiet , and I saw her eyes go wide . I heard the shot before I could turn back around to face the men and Sara shrieked , her hand flying up over her mouth . I really hate being shot . Not only does it hurt as much as you 'd think it would , but it wrecks nice clothes . I looked at the man on the passenger side of the car , down at the smoking hole in my chest , and back up to him with a look of surprise on my face . As they both crouched down behind the open doors of the car I whipped my sunglasses from my face . " I wish you 'd not done that , this is a new shirt . " They both had guns in their hands now and were not nearly as surprised as I would have liked them to be that I 'd taken a bullet to the chest and yet I was still standing and talking . Mortals don 't usually react well to that sort of thing . Before either of them could pull their triggers I was already beside their car , kicking the passenger door shut on the one that had shot me . It slammed against him , knocking him into the seat . A shot rang out from the driver and the bullet pounded into my right shoulder . I heard Sara 's savage scream and she was on him before I could stop her . He didn 't even have a chance to turn and face her as she flew through the air with her arms and legs wide , driving him to the ground under her small body while raining blows on him . I put my hand on the roof of the car and vaulted over it to land beside her and pull her off of him . It was too late though . Cherubs are beautiful and fun and care free at the best of times ; but they 're fucking terrifying at the worst of times . She had his blood dripping from her arms all the way from her hands to her elbows and his face was paste . Sara was still screaming and struggled against me . I set her down behind me and she stood with her knees bent and her hands like claws , panting . She snapped her head to the side and I followed her gaze . The other man had slid behind the wheel and started the engine . He was just hitting the gas when she lunged again , through the windshield and onto him . Straddled over his lap in the driver 's seat she had his leather jacket in her fists and was smashing her forehead and face into him over and over rapidly . It was over before I could stop her and I pulled her off of his limp form through the open driver 's side door , pushing her hard against the brick wall of the narrow alley . She pushed and struggled to get free so I pushed her into the wall and caught her eyes with mine . She hadn 't even taken her glasses off and they hung cracked and twisted and broken from one of her ears . " Whoa ! " I yelled . " Simmer down , yeah ! ? " " Would have been nice to talk to them though , wouldn 't it ? " I said forcefully . She looked past me to the car , then back to me , and visibly calmed . She yanked the shattered glasses from her face and threw them to the ground , pulling away from my grasp . I had to laugh then . It was likely an inappropriate time for mirth , but I had to do it . You really shouldn 't come between a Cherub and something they love . What else was she supposed to do ? I put my hand on her shoulder and squeezed ; Sara smiled at me sheepishly and said , " That was kinda stupid , wasn 't it ? " " Messy and stupid , " I said . " But I forgive you . Let 's toss through the car and see what we can find and then get out of here , yeah ? " In both their wallets were business cards . Private investigators . In the glove box was information on Sara . Her address , her movements , her prices , some of her clients . There was a manila envelope with black and white photographs of her in a parking garage in her car with Cassidy Swanson getting in the passenger seat beside her . There were photos of her at Becca 's school , the girl getting in the passenger seat , and Cassidy talking to Sara through the driver 's window . There was more of the same from other days and other places . They 'd shot Samael . I 'd never seen my reaction coming but I 'd never loved anyone the way I loved him . I guess I shouldn 't have done it , but I 'd just gotten so fucking angry . They 'd shot Samael . There had been no thought , no plan , no reason , just a searing white hot rage . Nothing had ever felt like that before ; not anytime recently anyway . The last time I 'd killed someone had been a long time ago ; and wouldn 't you know it , it had at least sort of been because of Samael then too . Not that he knew that . Now that I was thinking about it , he probably knew now though . I looked over at him and he looked back . I couldn 't read his mind . I couldn 't even really read his face . I was learning all sorts of things about myself in the last two days . Samael was on the phone as he drove . " Thanks , friend . No no , tell her they 're fine , yeah ? I won 't . I will . You keep yourself safe , too . Right Christopher , bye then . " " I 'm sorry , " I said sheepishly , using a wet nap from my glove box to clean blood from my face . Samael hadn 't said anything to me since we 'd started driving and I could tell he was angry with me . " I 'm really sorry ; I 've never lost it like that . " " You know that 's not true . I heard you just now , " he replied to me . He was right . I shouldn 't have lied to him but I didn 't like thinking about Germany . It made me feel dirty and gross and used . " You 're still a young and impulsive Cherub . The difference between then and now is that you 've never been in love before , " he said calmly as he drove and looked at the address he 'd written down while talking on the phone . " That wasn 't anger back there , it was wrath Serielle . Real deal wrath . " " Is it always like that ? When someone messes with something you love ? " I already knew the answer . This wasn 't my first brush with wrath , though I 'd hoped to never feel it again . " You 're mad at me , aren 't you ? " I asked him . He still loved me ; that much I could see in the Choir with my own eyes . I couldn 't read his surface thoughts though . He was keeping them from me . I had to learn how to do that . " I 'm mad , but not at you . I can 't really blame you for being a Cherub now , can I ? " I looked at me briefly and smiled and the whole world fell back into place for me . I breathed a sigh of relief and returned his smile . " You missed some , right there beside your nose . " I took another wet nap from the package and kept cleaning my face . I felt pretty foolish for what I 'd done . We 're not really supposed to kill mortals . That was one of the rules . " We 're off book though , Serielle , " Samael said to me . " We 're not playing by those rules anymore . Remember what I showed you last night ? " How could I forget ? Just a glimpse of the Lamb 's Spark , seen through Samael , had almost killed me . " Yeah , I know . We 're on some higher level shit now , right ? " " That 's it exactly . We have to color outside the lines a bit until this is all over , yeah ? Would you feel better if you were forgiven ? " " Do it then . Forgive yourself . " Samael looked over at me and winked behind his glasses . I couldn 't see it but I felt it . " No one else can do it for you . " " Did she teach you that , too ? " I asked him . What I wouldn 't give to meet Aliona ; what I wouldn 't give never to have to stand in front of her . There were angels , there were demons , and then there was her ; neither but a bit of both . The rumor was she wasn 't of a caste anymore . The word was she had become … something else . " No , not really . I saw myself as she saw me and I just … got over it all . " There was awe in his voice ; whether at her , at himself , or at this whole mess they had started I couldn 't tell . " You 're missing something though , love . We have an in now . The Choir has a way of working itself out if you just let it do its own thing . We know someone is following you , we know someone is taking pictures of you with Cassidy , and we know that they have backing from our kind . Otherwise they 'd not have been able to block us both out . " " Yeah , but I killed those guys , Samael . I killed them . They were just doing their jobs and I killed them . " Old guilt swelled inside of me and I rammed it back down where I 'd kept it locked up for decades . " Now we find out who hired them and then we go ask them what they want from you . " There was a grim set to his jaw . As I thought about it I understood ; he loved me and they had been following me . He probably felt at least a little how I had felt when they shot him . For a second part of me wished I 'd never gone to Kendra 's house yesterday and seen him there . I was in something now that was nothing like my life had been up to this point . I knew what I was doing when I said I 'd help them ; but I hadn 't exactly thought all the way through it . I 'd always been a bit impulsive but it had never landed me in the middle of the End Times before . Now I 'd chosen a side and there was no going back . " Some friend of his . I 'd rather have just called but apparently this guy doesn 't even have a phone . He doesn 't trust them . He 'll help us figure out who these guys were that were following you and who they might be working for . " " Sure , but I 'd rather hear you say it , yeah ? If … when this is all over we probably won 't be able to do that anymore anyway . Besides , I like the sound of your voice , love . " Samael smiled at me again and I lit up inside . " Really ? " I said shyly . What a stupid little girl thing to say . If I couldn 't see the love that bound us I might have thought he was just flattering me . " So what did you want to ask ? " Daniel Bietak was Austrian but he lived in Germany . Chosen from a pool of twelve others he 'd been the Seraphim 's hope to help them with their plans for the area . The Christian Democratic Union was who they wanted in charge of the Rhineland - Palatinate in Allied - controlled Germany . I didn 't know why ; probably because they liked the Christian part . Seraphim were like that . They liked the way the mortals had formed this whole little myth to help those that were in the know make sense of the immortals that walked among them . Me , I just followed orders so there I was . After the election in May , 1947 , Daniel should have gone home but he didn 't . It only took a little digging to find out it was because of Analiesse . Analiesse was tall and pretty , prim and proper . Analiesse was only a simple kitchen girl though and someone with political ties like Daniel had couldn 't be seen with someone like her . He had helped the CDU win the referendum that formed the state in the first place and the Seraphim had wanted him happy . Analiesse was to be his reward I guess . It didn 't sit well with me that they 'd have let the two orbit and then separate if he hadn 't helped them out first ; but since he had , I did what I was asked gladly . It was obvious he loved her ; all you had to do was watch the way he followed her with his eyes whenever she was bringing a soup tureen or removing a silver platter from the ambassador 's dining room . I didn 't like the ambassador very much ; I didn 't like the way he groped at all the women that worked in his household , I didn 't like the way he leered at them , and I didn 't like his table manners . You don 't slurp soup , you don 't spoon towards yourself , you don 't take a drink when there 's still food in your mouth , and you do not hold red wine by the stem or white by the bottom of the glass . There 's a right way and wrong way to do everything . That 's how I ended up working in the ambassador 's household ; to get close enough to Analiesse to help her see that Daniel Bietak was in love with her . Getting the job had been easy , doing the real job wasn 't so much . Cherub 's usually got what they wanted . Despite what other castes thought we didn 't sleep around to get it either ; we could usually flash a grin and a wink in the right direction and doors just opened for us . So I was a kitchen girl . The ambassador liked tall women to serve him and his guests and so I washed dishes , scraping enough food from the plates and platters each night to feed whole families . The beating I 'd received when I 'd first been caught sneaking it out to the poor district of Mainz when I left at night didn 't stop me from continuing to do it ; it just taught me not to get caught . I 'd endured the beating stoically ; almost happily . I hadn 't been on my own in service to the Council very often and I took the blows proudly , knowing that they couldn 't really hurt me and by the time this was all over I 'd have completed my first good joining . Yeah , I wanted to kill them . I wanted to show them they were no better than what they 'd just overthrown a few years ago . Mortals were like that though ; the only real reason they fought against tyrants was so that they could pick up the whip and take over . It wasn 't ' don 't beat the proles ' so much as it was ' here , let me ' beat the proles . ' I was glad I hadn 't been born yet in the days of Rome . I wouldn 't have gotten very much done . No , I took the beating and kept my mouth shut and my hands to myself . I was still naive enough to think that they would get there 's some day . Analiesse liked phonograph records of Prussian opera and so did Daniel Bietak . It was pretty easy to get them in the same room one evening , but it wasn 't very easy to get them to talk . Analiesse tidied up the glasses from an evening of scotch and port while Daniel relaxed in a wing backed chair and played the phonograph . The ambassador had older tastes and I suppose it wasn 't really a phonograph so much as it was a gramophone , one of the old ones that took spools instead of discs . Not very modern , but the ambassador was wealthy and important enough to support eccentricities and antique affectations . Daniel watched Analiesse and she knew it , proud of herself but nervous . Two days before the ambassador had offered her to Daniel and he 'd refused . It had broken her heart that he didn 't want her , and I 'd tried to explain to her in my little rented room that night that maybe he just didn 't want her to be given to him like a party favor . Maybe he wanted her to feel like a woman , not a piece of property . It was all true , and she wanted desperately to believe me , but she had a serf mindset . Mortals were frustrating ; I still didn 't have enough experience with them to understand that they 're just like that . They love to hate themselves . It made my job fucking hard sometimes , but if they weren 't like that then I 'd be out of a job I suppose . I 'd grown very fond of both of them in the weeks I had spent in the ambassador 's household . I truly cared for Analiesse and wanted all things to be well for her ; we had become fast friends . I truly liked and respected Daniel Bietak ; he was not like other aristocrats , he cared for others more than he cared for his own power and influence . Had I been mortal I would have wanted to be their friends forever . I toyed with the idea of staying in contact with them when I was finished joining them so I could watch them grow old together . So I could play with their children and watch over them as well as they grew and found love of their own . Hiding behind some drapes in the corner I 'd gently strung their mutual love between them and wiggled it a bit . I tried to tie it tighter together but their own social restrictions made it difficult . One was an aristocrat , descended from nobility . The other was a kitchen girl , descended from kitchen girls . They fought against themselves hard enough that it made everything I was doing feel futile . I wanted to step out and yell at them to just get on with it already , but that 's just not how it 's done . I was young and impatient and at my wits end . That 's when hewalked in . Samael , one of the greatest amongst the Fold . Beautiful , perfect Samael . He walked in , sat down across from Bietak , and started talking to him about the opera . He knew I was there , he had to , but he gave no sign . As they spoke he looked appreciatively at Analiesse from time to time and I could hear the thoughts in Bietak 's mind . He was angry , jealous , and despite being a rather gentle and thoughtful sort of man he was getting quite angry and violent images were flashing though his mind . What did Samael think he was doing ? Here I was trying to set the mood so two people could fall in love and he was fucking it all up . Was this a test ? I was having a hard enough time as it was without someone showing up and making it harder . Analiesse was intrigued . How could she not be ? Samael could steal a king 's queen if he wanted to . He was draping little strands of love at her , softly binding her to him as he followed her with his eyes and Bietak got angrier and angrier . Samael kept the conversation light but made sure that Daniel saw what he was doing . He shared a wink with Analiesse and my heart sank . That was it then . I was undone . When he bid Bietak good evening and left the room she found a reason to leave as well . I couldn 't follow . I couldn 't stop him or Daniel would know I had been hiding behind the drapes , watching them . I waited and hid and fumed and frowned . When Daniel stood up and straightened his waistcoat my heart jumped into my throat at his thoughts . I 'd not known such violence lurked in such a demure and cultured man . When he left the room I quietly slipped out behind him and followed him down the hall . He stopped and listened at a door , his eyes going wide . I heard a shriek from behind the door and Bietak yelled out , " Analiesse ! " as he rammed his shoulder into the door twice to burst the latch and knock it inwards . " Take your hands from that woman ! " he yelled , pulling a revolver from under his jacket . I 'd been able to slip further down the hall and hide in the shadows of an alcove opposite the door . Samael had one hand around Analiesse 's wrist and the other was groping at her breast . He had a very fake look of surprise on his face , and he let her pull away from his grasp . She fell to the floor , covering her mouth with her hands and shrieking . " Come now , she 's just a kitchen girl , " Samael said to Daniel . " You can have a go when I 'm through . " Samael took a step forward menacingly and Daniel pulled the trigger . When the slug took Samael in the chest he stumbled backwards clumsily , grasping at his chest where he 'd been shot and screaming " Arrgghhh ! " as he fell backwards out the fourth floor window . As he smashed through the glass and clutched at the drapes to try to stop himself from falling I could have sworn he caught my eyes across the room and the shadows and winked at me . What was he doing ? Then I got it . Then I understood . I saw the look on Analiesse 's face as Bietak helped her to her feet . I saw the strands of light between them twine together as she fell against his chest and he dropped the gun to put his arms around her . I saw his tears and hers mingle as their faces pressed against each other , and as they kissed I was only relieved for a moment . They must have called in Samael to finish in one night what I had been working at for weeks . The Seraphim . I had failed and they had sent Samael . My little fists were clenched at my sides and I shook in anger at myself for letting the Fold down . Daniel Bietak took Analiesse in his arms to the couch as they kissed passionately . He lowered her to the seat , then onto her back . His hand had found the bottom hem of her long skirt and pushed it up over her long white legs . She was pulling at his shirt , yanking it slowly free from the top of his slacks . Daniel was pulling her underwear down over her legs as Analiesse unbuttoned his waist coat and pushed it , his jacket , and his shirt back over his shoulders . Neither of them got what they were doing completely finished before they gave up and their hands moved instead between them , freeing his cock from his pants and putting it against her warm pussy between her thighs . Daniel pushed himself into Analiesse and they made love on the couch , fast and passionate at first then slowing to a gentle grind and writhe as they lost themselves in each other . I could see the strands becoming ropes and bonds , locking them to each other in ways their bodies alone could not . I felt tears in my eyes at the beauty of it . Analiesse clutched at his shoulders , her trimmed nails digging into his skin and muscles . His hips flexed forward and back as he made love to her at last and they both moaned softly and told each other of their love . They became one there on the couch , and I held out my hand to see the Rislyn flower blossom in my palm . When they were finished they lay in each other 's arms , panting . " I 'll go anywhere with you , " she said to him , meaning every word . It was done . I felt as though I had failed , but at least it was done . " We shall leave tomorrow , " he said to her . " In the afternoon , after I 've packed . " She nodded and cried tears of joy . I felt defeated by it all . I was in awe of Samael though . I found myself thinking things about him I 'd never thought about another immortal before . He was known for his subtlety , but this had been something I hadn 't expected . Subtle , but in such a forthright manner I would never have considered it . He was the Cherub the rest of us tried to be like , and I 'd just seen him do in 30 minutes what would have taken me three more months left to my own designs . I lay the Rislyn flower next to a delicate and graceful vase on a small pedestal outside the door of the room where they had last fallen in love , and I left them there and went out of the ambassador 's household and into the streets of Mainz to see if I could find Samael somewhere . I looked through the old quarter and the poor district , hoping to find him speaking to prostitutes and trying to get them to change their ways . I couldn 't find him though . Maybe he had already left the city and gone off to do great deeds elsewhere . There was no way for me to know . Ephra should have come already to tell me it was over , but he had probably forgotten all about little Serielle . How could you not ? I was rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things , after all . I didn 't know that Analiesse hadn 't gone to Daniel 's rooms with him that night . I didn 't know that she had left the ambassador 's estate and gone home to her small apartment on her own . I didn 't know that she 'd been followed by two of the ambassador 's door men and raped in an alley with her face pushed into the dirt and grime of the street . I didn 't know until the next day when I showed up to work for the last time to bid her goodbye and good luck and found her sobbing outside the back door of the kitchen , bruises under her eyes and on her arms telling me what had happened before her words could . Daniel Bietak had been outraged . Apparently he had heard them laughing and joking about it in the hall as he 'd packed and readied himself to leave and enjoy the rest of his life with his one true love . He 'd threatened them and made a scene . He 'd threatened the ambassador and made things even worse for himself . When he drew his gun on that foul thing of a man he 'd been shot . When Analiesse found out she 'd taken her own life with a sharp knife in the kitchen . All the while I did nothing . I was stunned . I was aghast . And then I was outraged when I saw that she had found the Rislyn flower and put it in her hair , still intending to leave with her love despite what had been forced on her in some dirty alley . It was dead and wilted , brown and limp . It came over me like the night after a setting sun . Standing over her body where I 'd found it in the pantry , stepping back from the growing pool of blood , I couldn 't feel my hands anymore . I clenched them into fists and turned around to see one of the door men responsible standing there , about to laugh . The next thing I knew he was staring blankly at where his arm used to be , watching in quiet shock as blood bubbled out of the wound . His jaw went next , and I found myself shrieking in the hallway outside of the kitchen . The other was there , drawing a weapon . It went off and the bullet lodged in the ceiling as I ripped his chest open wide with hands like claws , his insides now outside and falling to the floor . As I raced through the halls screaming my rage more guards tried to stop me . Bullets tore my flesh , and I tore theirs . No one who didn 't flee my anger lived as I spiraled upwards through the house . " Stop . " The deep and reverberating voice said it both in my mind and out , shattering glass and shaking the whole building . " You go too far Cherub . " " You had to learn not to get close to them . They are only mortals , Cherub . We are divine and must stand apart . Above . Now you see . " I did not calm easily , but I calmed . At the time I had still been open to their ' lessons ' . The Seraphim knew the Truth and should be heeded , and so I heeded Ephra . He had shown me the danger of hate , and that to be too close to the mortals , to be too like the mortals , was to Fall . Mein Herz Ist Dein Herz … Serielle was crying and I 'd pulled the car over to the side of the street and turned the engine off . With her face in her hands her back shook and heaved , tremors racking her small frame when it wasn 't surging with grief . " It was not , " I told her , putting my hand on her back . " It was theirs . This is exactly why we do what we now do . They 've done this from the very beginning of man , serving their own ruthless agenda and playing us all , us and the mortals alike , against one another . It has to stop . " Apart from it being a good story , and moreover one odlf the best stories of love AND sex , I couldn 't overlook your unlucky choice of Analiesse 's name 's spelling . Me , being a native German speaker , , I 'd rather call her " Anneliese " . The way you spell it just isn 't right . Google quite likely tells sou the same . |
Abby was so ready to get up this morning that she promised me I could sleep on the couch if I would come downstairs with her . What a sweet little girl I have . So , we headed downstairs and got her some breakfast and she was good to go . Scott and Mckenzie got up a little while later and came down to play . Scott found some nasty spy ware on our computer that wouldn 't let us access the internet without purchasing lots and lots of software from this specific website . Whatever . He managed to fix the problem and we are good to go . During Mckenzie 's nap , I actually played piano ( it really needs a good tuning ) . I have started to play a little every now and then and I realize how much I miss it . Abby played along to . I tried to teach her a song , but her little fingers had some trouble . I wouldn 't mind getting her into piano lessons and I saw a sign in front our one of our neighbors advertising piano lessons . She seems interested so maybe once we get settled into the school year I will look into it . When Mckenzie woke up from her nap , she was upset that I was the one to come and get her and started crying for Daddy . Since Scott was out for a run , she opted to wait in her bed with me on the floor next to her until Scott came home . Abby came into M 's room before that could happen and Mckenzie was ready to get up then so she could play . They are getting so much better at playing together . Although some of it I could do without , such as Abby ' walking her dog ' . The dog was Mckenzie biting the dog leash and Abby leading her around . Where they come up with these ideas I will never know . Scott wanted to take the girls to Chick fil A today so we went for supper . The girls had a blast playing and Abby even found a little playmate to play hide and seek with . Mckenzie is getting better at the stairs leading to the slide . She can make it up a few steps without Abby 's help , although she is very unsafe and fell a couple of times . Luckily just on her bottom , but it was enough for me to tell the girls that if Abby didn 't help Mckenzie we weThis is from a few days ago . Abby was singing away ! The girls and I went to Wegman 's this morning and they both behaved great ! I went for a few things and came out with way more than that ! While we were there , Abby needed to use the restroom , so I let her go in by herself while Mckenzie and I waited by the cart . She was so excited to get to go in alone and she seemed to manage well , even flushing using her foot like I always do for her ! She couldn 't reach the sink , so she had to come and get hand sanitizer from me . She is growing up so fast ! I had to tell her that she isn 't allowed to go by herself all the time , just every once in awhile . We came home and while I unpacked all the groceries , Abby took Mckenzie to the bathroom . I didn 't ask either one of them to go , but Abby decided that Mckenzie needed to go . Well , she didn 't go , but she also didn 't want to wear a diaper after that either so of course , I ended up cleaning up after the little stinker because she got to involved in playing and I forgot she wasn 't wearing a diaper ! After nap , the girls and I went to the park . We didn 't stay long because Mckenzie got very cranky . I think she is getting a couple of teeth in on the top . I am hoping that is all because she can 't get sick . Next week is her surgery and I don 't want to postpone it . When we got home , I let the girls play in the front yard , riding bike , driving cars . Mckenzie came by me in the grass and took one of her shoes off . She started to put her foot in the grass , but didn 't like the way it felt and jumped onto my lap as quick as she could . I tried to make her stand in the grass , but she lifted both of her little feet as high as they would go so she didn 't have to touch it . Eventually , Mckenzie was running around the grass without shoes . Guess she just had to get used to the idea . Abby had fun riding her Barbie jeep all over . Mckenzie tried riding with her once , but didn 't like the way Abby was driving and opted out ! I let Dakota out in the front yard with us for a little while and I don 't think her tailed stopped wagging until long after we were in theWaiting for a car to drive past Abby ended up in my bed last night and Mckenzie and I ended up in the guest bedroom . Good thing though , both girls slept until 9 ! So , we had a very late start to the day . I had a board meeting for Abby 's preschool today so the girls and I headed over to one of the other board member 's house this afternoon . The girls had a blast playing with all the kids that were there and Mckenzie even wore herself out enough to take a nap over there . When it was time to go , Abby wanted to stay and play . I am so glad they had fun . I was a little worried they would be a little too rowdy and make it difficult to pay attention to the meeting , but I was wrong . They both behaved very well ! We came home and played for a little while before getting supper going . It was an uneventful day around here . Saw on the news earlier today about a C - 17 crash in Alaska killing the four crew members . Such a sad story and we are praying for the victims families . I can 't imagine how difficult it must be for them right now as the crew was only practicing for an airshow . They were at home . They weren 't out on a mission where the thought of something happening is always playing in the back of your mind . Mckenzie woke up at 6 am , but she fell back asleep when I brought her to bed with me . She didn 't wake up until after 9 ! Guess she was tired from yesterday . Scott took Abby to gymnastics this morning and Mckenzie and I picked up the house so the housekeepers could clean it today ! Yah ! I love clean house days ! The house only stays clean for 10 minutes , but it is so wonderful while it lasts ! Scott and Abby stopped at a Farmer 's market on the way home and picked up some cucumbers and peppers and corn . When Abby got home , I asked her to change out of her gymnastics outfit and into something else . Little did I know that it would cause a big tantrum . She was crying and whining and didn 't want to change . When she finally put something else on , I told her thanks and that she looked cute . Two seconds later , she was out of outfit number one and into a Wiggles t - shirt and no pants . I didn 't bother to say anything . Scott headed to work and the girls and I played for awhile and then sat down for lunch . After nap , ( I am surprised Mckenzie took one since she slept so late , but I put her down because she came to me with her bear and pacifier and pointed to her bed . When I asked her if she wanted to go nigh - nights , she nodded yes . ) we headed to Target and Bed , Bath , & Beyond . We came home , had some dinner , and a nice long bath ( much needed after yesterday ) . We took our first family trip to NYC today and had a wonderful time . We drove to a nearby train station and almost didn 't make the train because Mckenzie needed a diaper change at the last minute , but we all got on and away we went ! It was only about an hour ride to the city and the girls did great . Abby couldn 't get enough of all the things she was seeing outside and spent a good portion of her time looking out the window . Mckenzie joined her off and on . It was cute to see both of their heads pressed against the window . We made it into the city and it was so amazing . It is one thing to know how busy a city is and how large the buildings are , but it is another to be standing on the streets watching all the people go by and to look up and see nothing but buildings . It is unreal ! We walked around near Penn station for awhile and then stopped to eat a slice of pizza before taking a bus tour . We thought for our first trip we would just get a feel for the city and what better way to get a quick trip than on a bus . The guy who sold us tickets was nice and didn 't make us pay for Abby even though 3 and up were supposed to have a paid ticket . Thanks ! The bus took us all over . We saw Greenwich village , the garment district , the empire state building ( next time we want to go inside ) , Times Square , Chinatown , Little Italy , we drove along the river and saw all the bridges , Rockefeller Center , & part of Central Park . We got off the bus at St . Paul 's Chapel ( with the wrong stroller ! oops ! There was another stroller that looked just like ours and I picked the wrong one . It was a bad choice as the one we have now looks very used and very dirty and doesn 't roll very well : - ( There is no way we are using that nasty thing again ! ) and walked through to see the memorials to the victims of 9 / 11 . The girls were getting a little feisty when we first got into the church because we had been sitting on the upper level of the bus and it got to be very warm . So , instead of disrupting all the other visitors , we took the girls outside and walkeChecking out the view on the ride to NYC Our blurry pic ! Apparently the camera has a little moisture in it and I always forget to clean the lens before taking pics . Resting in the park , playing with strollers . Both girls had ' babies ' in the stroller and they were pushing them around and making them take naps . Scott was so nice and got up with Mckenzie again this morning . And when I thanked him for doing so , he said I didn 't need to because I am the one usually doing it . He is so sweet ! After Mckenzie had at least 3 breakfasts and everyone showered , we headed out to the mall . We only stopped in Sears to get some stuff for the lawn and then we had lunch . Scott and I had Chipotle which was tasty as always and the girls had rice and ice cream . Mckenzie made one heck of a mess with her ice cream , but she enjoyed every last drop ( that didn 't find its way to her chin or clothes ) ! We came home for nap time . Abby and I took Dakota to Petsmart to get a bath and then stopped at Lowes on the way home to get some wasp killer . I hope it works . Our backyard is so full of them ! We had some tasty grilled chicken and corn on the cob for dinner . Both girls love corn on the cob . They just gobbled it up as fast as they could . Abby played a little Wii before bed time . She loves the new Super Mario Brothers game . She says it is hers . I 'm not so sure about that . Scott and I played for quite awhile last night ! We didn 't do a whole lot today . Scott mowed the yard and discovered a lot of wasps nests in the backyard so the girls can 't play out there until we get that fixed . I made turkey wraps for lunch , but the girls apparently didn 't like them as neither of the girls touched the wrap . Mckenzie picked out the cheese and Abby picked out the meat and cheese , but not really eating any of it . So , I guess I can cross wraps off my list of meals for awhile . Mckenzie went down for a nap and the rest of us just hung out . It rained here this afternoon so we didn 't get to play outside this afternoon either . We headed to Target to pick up a few things and I promised Abby an Icee . Well , it just so happens that the Icee machine wasn 't working again today . Both girls were so sad since we already had our cups and it wasn 't until we got to the machines that we saw they weren 't working . I got a decaf frappucinno from Starbucks which made the girls happy . We decided to pick up a pizza on the way home and we wanted to try out a place close to the house . I went in and ordered it and they said it would be 20 minutes . Since it was so late , we drove the kids home to get them in the bath and I drove back to pick up the pizza . When I got there ( it had been nearly 20 minutes ) the pizza guy told me it was going to be awhile . I thought he meant like 5 maybe 10 minutes . I was wrong . Apparently the guy wasn 't feeling good or was too hot ( the building was very warm ) and he didn 't want to be at work . He ended up getting fired by his boss over the phone while I was sitting there waiting for my pizza . It was crazy how dramatic some people can be although I don 't know the whole story . It didn 't sound like that was the first phone call to his boss ( the pizza guy wouldn 't even talk to his boss , he made another employee do all the talking ) so I am not sure why the boss hadn 't come into the store to help out . It took an hour , but the pizza was finally ready . I felt so bad for the girl left to handle the store . She didn 't know how to make pizzas and she was lefPosted by Scott made it home last night ! I am so glad . It seems like he has been away so much lately and it is comforting to know he is home for a little while . The girls were up pretty early this morning . Mckenzie got up around 6 : 30 and it was too early for me so I took her back to bed with me . It took a couple of seconds before she realized Scott was there too . Then she got a big smile on her face . Abby got up a little bit later after the rest of had already gone downstairs . She came around the corner and realized Scott was on the couch . She got so excited and ran to him . Since we were all up , we went to Perkins for breakfast . Pretty tasty this morning . We came home and veged out for while before ya know it , it was lunch time for the girls and nap time . We all got a nap in today . It was great ! We went to a local fair , called the Farm Fair this afternoon . It was carnival rides , vendors , 4 - H exhibits , and tractors all in one . The girls had so much fun on the rides and checking out the chickens ( a favorite of both girls ) , goats ( Mckenzie 's fav ) , and cows . Bunnies and baby chicks were a hit too . There was one chick the girls got to pet that had been born today . That was pretty cool . Abby got to do a pony ride which she liked to do . Mckenzie was content to just look at the ponies . It was really hot out today , I think the actual temp got near 100 if not over and the humidity was high too . I checked the weather when we got home around 8 and the temp was still 90 with a heat index of 100 . Crazy hot weather we are having . We went out for dinner since neither Scott nor I felt like cooking after spending the afternoon out in the heat . We came home and got the girls in bed after a quick bath . Abby said something funny today . As we were driving , we past a bunch of flowers . She said " I would like to give those to you . Oh look , purple flowers . I would like to give those to myself ! " It was so funny to us the way she said that . I will post pictures later . I stayed up until 3 last night which got to be a little late considering the girls wanted to be up before 7am ! We ran to the grocery store this morning and ran into friends from preschool . What a treat ! The girls were excited to see one another and ran around the produce aisles for a couple of minutes together . I thought for sure it would be major meltdown time when we went our separate ways , but luckily the girls behaved ! They were actually really good in the store . Abby wanted Chick fil A and I caved because Mckenzie had already fallen asleep by the time I got the groceries loaded into the car . I just wanted to keep her awake so she would take a nap this afternoon . I think Abby 's new favorite saying is " I get it . I understand . " Guess she does listen to me after all ! I put Mckenzie down for a nap and Abby and I played with legos again . I was very disappointed to find out the old legos from when I was a kid are not compatible with the new ones . Mckenzie took a short nap and then we played around the house for awhile . It looked like a tornado had struck every room in the house ! The girls wanted to go to the park so off to the purple park we went . Poor Mckenzie doesn 't handle the heat very well and today was pretty warm out . After maybe 20 minutes her checks were red and she was looking tired . We only played for an hour before heading home for a bath and dinner . I was so surprised both girls sat in there chairs the entire meal ! Not sure how that happened ! I let the girls stay up a little longer tonight so I could get some cleaning done before Scott gets home tonight or I should say early morning . They weren 't much help , as they seemed to find the toys I had just picked up and start playing with them again ! Abby is getting better though and she will help if I ask . I just fall into the rut that it goes much more quickly if I just do it myself . I really need to start breaking up the house cleaning so when I do ask the girls for help , I have the time to let them do it without worrying I won 't get everything done . But tPosted by Had a little visitor again last night . I told Abby that she needs to sleep in her own bed tonight . I doubt that she was listening or if she was , that she really cares . We had a very lazy morning around here . No one got dressed until after 11 AM ! We tried those uncrustables for lunch ( they are frozen pb & j 's for anyone who doesn 't know ) . Abby scarfed hers down , jelly and all even though she never likes jelly on her sandwiches . Mckenzie is the one I thought that would really like them , but I was 0 for 2 in my predictions because she only picked out the jelly and gagged on the bread , leaving almost the entire thing . Mckenzie took a long nap today , almost three hours . I am not sure if she is feeling 100 % because even after that long nap she was on the cranky side to say the least . Abby and I played with legos for her quiet time today . I built a house , a stable with a horse , a car , furniture for the house , and a person while Abby watched . She was way more interested in playing with the finished product than actually making anything . We headed to the park after nap . Mckenzie was still cranky so it didn 't make for a fun trip . Abby wanted to try new things on the playground , but as soon as she got a little nervous about it , she starting whining like crazy . Mckenzie wanted to do all the big girl stuff and threw huge fits when I wouldn 't let her . So , we didn 't spend much over an hour there . I didn 't have the patience anymore and I am sure the kids had lost theirs too . We got home and everyone settled down a little bit , but then Abby threw a fit over what I made for dinner . It was just one of those days . We did get to talk to Scott today and he was going to do a little sightseeing . I am glad that he gets that opportunity on this trip . I put the girls to bed a few minutes ago , but I still hear Abby 's pitter patter in her room . Posted by Abby ended up in my room again last night . I don 't even know what time she came over , but I don 't even argue any more . It is just easier to let her climb in . Abby had gymnastics this morning and luckily we didn 't leave bear there this week ! Abby seems to be enjoying her lessons , but I am a little worried about the place myself . The kids always take a quick minute or two break to use the restroom or get a drink about half way through the class . Well today , one of the little girls didn 't go back into the gym with the rest of her class and she just stood by the window waiting . I guess she didn 't hear the teacher call the kids back in . Anyway , the girls mom wasn 't there so I tried to tell her to go back into the gym , but she just stared at me and didn 't say anything . What worried me was the teacher never came out to look for her missing student . After 10 or 15 minutes , I went to the front desk to let them know about the girl and the gal up there took her back into the gym . Maybe I am paranoid , but that really worries me that she could be missing from class that long and no one noticed . I am glad I stay around the gym while Abby is doing her lesson . Abby wanted to make a kite today so we got out the crayons and decorated away . Mckenzie wasn 't really into it as she wanted to paint instead of color . Abby just wanted to fly her kite right away . I told the girls we would fly them this afternoon after the glue had dried . Nap time came with a little break for me . Abby wanted to play by herself so I had a little break . It was a short one since Mckenzie didn 't nap very long . I tried to get her to go back to sleep , but she just banged her feet against her crib and kept looking at me . I asked her if she wanted to get up and she got a big grin on her face and jumped up so I could lift her out of her crib . We went to fly kites in the front yard , but it wasn 't very much fun . Abby was disappointed that her kite didn 't fly ( I stand by the fact it didn 't fly because there was very little wind and not because of the design ! ) She ran aPosted by The girls and I ran to Target first thing this morning . Well , by first thing , I mean we were out the door before 10 . Not sure that qualifies , but it is hard to get those two moving in the morning . The girls wanted Icees , but unfortunately , the machine was down for the day and they had to settle for smoothies . Neither one was really impressed . They both behaved with no major tantrums so I was thankful for that . We were loading our goodies in the car and I realized we forgot to pay for a doggie toy for Dakota . So , we headed back in to pay for it and headed on home . We got home in time to Skype with Scott again . The girls loved it . No one had much to say since the girls and I don 't do anything and Scott didn 't do a whole lot either . So , it was a quick call , but great to hear his voice . Lunch and then nap for Mckenzie and game time for Abby and I . We played the Five Little Monkeys Game and I ended up winning ( not by choice , but it was the first time we had ever played it and I wasn 't sure how to cheat so I could lose . ) That did not make Abby happy and we had to move on to Candyland . The girls wanted to sit in Mckenzie 's booster seat in the living room , but one chair doesn 't make two girls happy , so I had to dig around and find the other booster seat . So , both girls were hanging out in the living room sitting in their boosters . We went to the park this afternoon and I am so proud of Abby . She made it across the monkey bars all by herself ! She is getting so strong . What made me the proudest though , was her attitude when she was struggling to get across the first few times . She didn 't get mad or start whining . She just laughed it off when she fell and started over again . Mckenzie wanted to do the monkey bars as well and she has a pretty strong grip . Oh , Abby had another accomplishment today at the park as well . She climbed to the top of the dome and jumped down by herself . That has been another one of those playground pieces she gets mad over , but she must have had a whole lot of determination running through her veins tPosted by The girls and I drove to the base today and as soon as we got close , both of them started saying Daddy . I felt so bad because they were both thinking we were going to see Scott . Unfortunately , we weren 't that lucky . We went to the referral office at the clinic and the lady there was so helpful , unfortunately , she wasn 't the one that could actually do anything for us . She sent us back to the same place I have been dealing with before and instead of speaking to someone in person which was the whole point of driving 30 minutes to get there , I had to leave a note for the nurse saying what I needed . She called me back in the afternoon to not so kindly tell me that there was absolutely no reason I needed another referral because the first one was just fine . Guess she didn 't see the part in the note that said the first office visit claim was denied and charged to me because I didn 't have a referral . Then at the end of the conversation with much ice in her voice she said " I put in another referral even though you don 't need it ! " Whatever . I wish there was a way we didn 't have to use referrals that didn 't cost us any extra money . We ran to the commissary to pick up some lunch meat and then we headed back home for lunch . The girls played a little while before I put Mckenzie down for her nap . Mckenzie is learning so much these days and today , she was lining things up and counting them . She would say " in " whiling placing the objects to one side and then start counting them . She doesn 't use the right numbers or words even , but she starts with one and then each time her finger points to something different , she says another " number " . I love this age . It is so fun to see her learn and grow . Her personality is emerging everyday and she is such a sweet little girl with a slight streak of defiance in her . She has those moments where you tell her no and she looks at ya and does it anyway . Abby and I played games during nap time . I am starting to wonder how old she has to be before I quit trying to lose every game we play , especiallPosted by Abby ended up sleeping in my bed last night , but I really didn 't mind since once she showed up , I finally fell asleep myself . Abby slept until 8 : 30 and Mckenzie until 10 after 9 ! It was unreal ! I think the key is been putting them to bed 20 - 30 minutes later than I had been . Now that I say that , they both will be up before 6 tomorrow . That would be ok . We have to run to the base to try to get a new referral for Mckenzie 's surgery . I got a notice from the insurance company last week that said her appointment with the opthamologist wasn 't covered because we didn 't have a referral . I called them and got it straightened out , but the insurance gal said I would most likely have trouble getting the surgery paid for if I didn 't get a new referral . So , instead of just calling the base clinic like I have been , I am going to bring in my paperwork and explain to them in person what I have been told . Hopefully that will get things straightened out . I don 't mind the idea of paying for an office visit out of pocket , but I am not thrilled about the possibility of having to pay for the surgery itself if the referral is messed up . I am sure we would eventually get it paid for , I just don 't want to have to deal with it . Today , we played with some play doh and Abby was excited when I made her a dog and a dog house . She even had to have grass with it . Mckenzie is just content to cut the play doh and make snakes . Scott called this morning and he is doing good . After nap , the girls went swimming . Abby tried to tell me the water was cold ( it was actually pretty warm ) , but she only wanted me to bring out buckets of hot water . Of course 10 minutes after she was complaining the pool water wasn 't warm enough for her , those two little stinkers were playing with the garden hose again ! As if that water is any warmer ! We ate our dinner outside and Dakota was naughty like always , trying to steal food from the table while we were still sitting there ! When will she ever learn ? ! Abby wanted a pic of both of them , but neither one was really into it ! Another quiet morning / afternoon around here . The girls put together a Cars puzzle and it was so cute to listen to them . Abby told me I couldn 't see what they were doing until they were done , so I just had to listen . Abby coached Mckenzie along , telling her where to put the pieces and when one would fit , they both cheered loudly . I finally got to see what the finished puzzle and they were both so proud of what they had accomplished . Not an ounce of help from me . I am so proud of the way they worked together . Moments like that make up for all those silly little arguments they have throughout the day . I took the girls out for Chick fil A for dinner . I thought we had better leave the house at least once this weekend . No other plans scheduled so I am guessing tomorrow will be super exciting ! They had fun playing on the slide again and Mckenzie actually climbed one of the stairs without Abby 's help . It scared the living daylights out of me because she almost fell , but she held on . When we got home , I let the girls play outside in the backyard while I picked up the family room ( playing inside all day = tornado ) . I heard giggles and squeals for awhile as they played with bubbles . Then I heard the water come on , but Abby has been watering the flowers out back for me , so I thought nothing of it . Well , I guess I should have checked on those little stinkers sooner because they were a soaking wet mess by the time I got out there . Mckenzie was spraying water at Abby and on herself . They thought they were hilarious ! Good thing Abby was dressed so warm in her winter tights today ! Abby tired to get me wet , but luckily I am still faster than she is ! So , it got pretty late getting the girls to bed after having to give them a bath to warm up . That water was super cold . I don 't know how they could play in it ! Posted by Both girls slept in this morning until after 8 : 30 . I am so lucky ! It was a pretty quiet day around here . I painted the girls toenails / fingernails again but I actually got the nail polish remover out this time to get rid of the 3 or 4 layers of paint already there . It took forever to clean their little fingers off , but for now , they are freshly polished ! We didn 't even make it outside until after dinner . Scott called today and he said he is doing fine and will call again when he can . I know it is blurry , but I just love her smile ! Abby woke up in the middle of the night complaining her finger hurt . There didn 't appear to be a problem with the finger , but she ended up sleeping in our room anyway . She started on the floor , then a few minutes later she was in the bed and shortly after that , I was on the floor . She is a little bed hog ! Both girls were up very early this morning . We didn 't do to much all day . We had to run to the grocery store since Scott left again today on another trip and he needed some food for the road . He has been gone so much lately , it is starting to feel like Charleston , except this time we have kids and I am home all the time . It is getting kind of lonely here and I feel bad that Scott is missing so much time with his sweet baby girls . Mckenzie took a nice long nap today ; I had to wake her up because she had slept for 2 . 5 hours . Any longer than that , and she would have not gone to bed tonight . Scott finally got a hold of our property manager for our house in Florida . Apparently she had talked to our renters and they said they wanted to stay in our house , but they don 't want to buy it . Then they said , if it goes on the market they want a discounted rent until it sells or they are moving out ? I still don 't understand why they should get a discounted rate . Whatever . Thanks for renting and good luck finding a new place ! I hope the house is still in good shape . It is so nervewrecking not knowing what it looks like . I don 't know if I even want to see the place until I know it is in the same condition we left it . It was hard enough to leave the house back in September , knowing it was the home where we became a family ; the home we brought both our beautiful girls home to . I can 't imagine how I will feel if they have done something to damage it . ( I 'm sure they haven 't . I just don 't have anything else to occupy my time so I might as well worry about that ! ) Anyway , it will be easier to show without a tenet and to get any work done that needs to be completed before we sell it . No photos again today . Sorry Abby had gymnastics this morning and she had fun just like last time . Mckenzie did better this time when Abby went into the gym . Instead of crying , she just wanted to watch Abby . We came home and played awhile before lunch . When I was getting ready to put Mckenzie down for her nap , I couldn 't find her bear anywhere . I searched the entire house , even upstairs although we hadn 't been up there after we came home . No bear . I checked the car , outside . Nothing . I started getting pretty worried because she has never been without it and I don 't have a replacement . I called the gymnastics studio and luckily I had left it there . So , I could either pack up the kids in the rain and drive to pick it up , which would have resulted in Mckenzie falling asleep in the car and then not taking a nap . Or , I could try nap without bear . I chose to put her down without bear and she surprised me by not throwing a tantrum . She asked a couple of times for bear , each time her voice was a little more sad and desperate , but I told her we didn 't have it and gave her a blanket that was pink and felt like her lamb . It seemed to do the trick because she fell asleep and napped for two hours . I was so happy . I can 't believe I left the bear at the gym . I felt terrible for being such a terrible mom . Four and a half years I have been remembering to keep lambie and / or bear safe and today was the first time I actually left it somewhere . We did have a crisis with Abby 's when she was 2 . 5 yrs old . Her lambie somehow ended up in a box of garbage , but we luckily found it before it got thrown away . I would say we have been pretty lucky in the lovie department . Scott called on his way home so I asked him to swing by the gym and pick it up for us . When Scott walked in , I am sure it was a pretty close tie for Mckenzie who she was happier to see . Those little girls get so excited to see their daddy . Too bad he is leaving again tomorrow : - ( We had a quiet evening in with me cooking AGAIN and an ice cream cone for snack . Abby wanted both chocolate ice cream and vaniBarb |
I stepped into the shower in the hospital bathroom and washed the day off of me . I had a rare moment alone where it seemed unlikely anyone would barge in unless it was an emergency . The bathroom sported a swinging door , but Chris figured out a way to keep it shut during showers early on . I can 't remember exactly what point this was in Lucy 's stay in Dallas . But it wasn 't anywhere close to the beginning or end . I let the feelings of frustration and fear overwhelm me and I cried . Tears rained down my face with the water from the shower . I refused to be angry . In fact , I apologized profusely to God for all of the terrible , blasphemous things I had shout - whispered at him in the bathroom in the PICU at Dell . I truly meant my apology , but part of me was also afraid that Lucy had grown worse because God was punishing me . I prayed . I begged . I begged for Lucy to get better . I begged for her to be stable without transplant . I begged for her to get a transplant if she needed one . I begged for strength to bear whatever I was going to have to bear . And I begged God for forgiveness . The one thing I wanted was for her to have a chance at life and for our family to have what it took to get her there . That 's what I had prayed for everyday in the chapel there . And that 's what I begged for in that shower . I literally got down on my knees in that shower with the water pouring over me and cried and prayed and begged . I 'm not sure how long it took , but eventually it seemed that a miracle happened . A doctor came to us some days later and told us exactly the opposite of what we had heard from the other doctors . She didn 't think Lucy 's vtach had the potential to be dangerous . She thought it seemed normal . She didn 't even think it needed to be treated medically . By this point , Chris and I were so shell - shocked , we were afraid to believe it . We barely let ourselves be happy about it . We were too accustomed to stunning reversals at this point . I don 't understand why my prayer was answered in this way . She died three days after my birthday and I remember I used my birthday wish to wish she would get well . I figured I might as well take a shot . And that weekend I just started hoping she would get a new heart on Status 2 , even though that is rare . I was ready to trade in our problems for a set of new ones . I just wanted so much for her to feel better . All I can come up with is that those two months of normalcy were the answer to my prayer . Maybe Lucy 's early death was inevitable and God gave us those two months as a parting gift . One of my prayers had also been for our family to have a chance to be together in our home for awhile before transplant temporarily uprooted our lives . We were so worried she would never leave the hospital or she would be listed too high up to go back to Austin . We didn 't know if we would ever be together in our home again . But we got that chance . She did not live and die in the hospital . And now we just have to find a way to live with the " what - ifs " . Tonight I thought about how much lazier I was about my eating when I was pregnant with her . I didn 't try nearly as hard to be healthy as I did with Max . It probably had nothing to do with her heart condition , but I feel so guilty . Chris and Max were sitting on the couch playing games on his IPhone and I was lying down behind them . All of a sudden , I could just picture Lucy in the room with us . It was as if she had lived and been healthy . She was toddling and crawling . Getting into things and smiling mischievously at us when we told her to stop . Laughing . Behaving like any 16 - month - old . It was so clear . I have never been able to picture her healthy so clearly . It was one of the most beautiful things I 've ever seen . I wish so much it was real . When I think back over my time with Lucy , some of my best memories are from when she was in the hospital . You wouldn 't think that would be the case . The hospital is not usually a fun place to be . But she did spend roughly a month altogether of her 15 month life in one hospital or another , so there were bound to be some good times . Lucy spent ten days at Dell Children 's Medical Center when she was first diagnosed last November . She was mostly in the PICU . She was hospitalized again for a " tune - up " last February . The night before she was to be released , she had an episode of ventricular tachycardia . She was summarily returned to the PICU and then airlifted to Children 's Medical Center of Dallas the next morning . She spent the next two and a half weeks there , first in the Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit , then on the regular cardiac floor . One reason for the good memories of these places is that the people who designed them obviously put a lot of thought into making it easier for children and their families to be there . Dell Children 's has a great coffee shop , the Holy Roast , as well as a darling gift shop . The cafeteria is decent and there are sibling playrooms and a " Healing Courtyard " that looks exactly like it sounds . The doctors , nurses , and staff are wonderful . Not to mention , it is right in the Mueller complex , so there is a Starbucks and a Chipotle right next door . Children 's Medical Center has a Starbucks INSIDE IT ( Although it was pretty far from Lucy 's room and not open on weekends ! ? ! ? ) and a trainscape that takes up an entire room . Max still talks about going back to it . There are also playrooms and several good dining areas . Ryan Seacrest even set up a recording studio in the lobby ( which has a ceiling of sparkling stars ) and Stephenie Meyer had a book signing while we were there . All of these amenities went a long way towards making living in a hospital for weeks at a time easier . But the real reason I have such wonderful memories of my time with Lucy in the hospital is that I got to be with her all the time . I got one - on - one time with my second - born that most parents only dream of . And especially after Chris and I both started staying there every night and we were transferred to Dallas , I just felt like almost everything important in the world was in that little room . The only person missing was Max . Those hospital rooms were our world . I would curl up next to Chris on the foldout hospital bed every night ( The bed in the CICU in Dallas was no bigger than a couch . ) and listen to Lucy breathing and feel so content . And I would wake up in the morning and see her first thing and just be , well , so glad to see her . Especially at first when we never knew whether she was going to make it through the night . Being in a situation like that gives you such clarity . It helps you cut through all of the b . s . and focus on what 's really important . I 'm sure you 've all heard that before . I always hoped that it would last once we were out . But part of me knew it wouldn 't . I also knew that was the way it was supposed to be . We were able to just appreciate the present more once Lucy was released from the hospital . Whenever I would get worried about the future and getting through transplant and possibly losing her one day , I would remind myself that she was alive right then . Every night , I would remind myself that everyone was alive and at home together and that was enough . But life did return to normal . The last two months of her life were beautiful . There were times between doctor visits that we could actually forget she was sick for awhile . We would get caught up in all the flotsam and jetsam of life and it was heavenly . So , I think back sometimes to those days at Dell and Dallas . I remember the heightened emotions and how it was a victory when a minute , an hour , a day , then a week went by without vtach . How we found joy in our daughter 's presence . How we experienced uncontrollable panic every time we thought we were losing her . How everything was right in the world when we finally brought her home and Max rushed into our arms and tackled his sister joyfully saying , " Everything is back to normal ! " I would like to go back and visit those rooms . Lucy finally learned how to sit up at Dell . She learned how to hug her doll and smile for the camera at Dallas Children 's . We lived a lifetime and became a stronger family in those rooms . I hope that everyone who ends up in them now can feel the same joy , determination , love , and devotion that we did . An update on the potty - training situation today - three accidents , one of them in public . Sigh . Chris and I sat down with Max today to choose pictures for a " Max and Lucy Memory Book " . I can 't take credit for this idea . Several friends suggested it on Facebook after I published my blog post " A Little Boy and His Sister " . Yesterday , Max chose a photo album at Super Target and we bought some stickers to form the words " Max and Lucy " on the outside . Max 's choices for pictures to put in the album were pretty different from what I had in mind . I already had a list of pictures of the two of them together that I thought would work . I had envisioned it as an album of pictures of the two of them . But I want it to feel like it 's really his and who knows why he might have chosen the ones he did ? So , we will probably include some pictures of Percy the Train sitting next to my breast pump along with the ones of him and Lucy together . One of my biggest worries since Lucy died has been whether or not Max will remember her and , if so , how well . I do not remember much from when I was three . Max is almost four and that might help . But I don 't remember much from when I was four , either , to tell you the truth . It would break my heart if he forgot her . You can 't love someone you can 't remember . It 's just not possible . Well , maybe , children who lost a parent and are too young to remember them might still love them . That 's the only exception I can think of . If you have other examples , please tell me about them . I can 't think of anyone I love that I can 't remember . Max loved Lucy so much . He was so happy to have a sister . And she adored him , too . We have several pictures where she is just gazing at him in admiration and adoration . I know nothing can hurt her now , but it just seems so unfair to her that the only sibling that knew her might forget her and stop loving her . Their relationship was so special . It made me so happy to see how much they loved each other . My husband and I created two beings . We made them brother and sister . We helped create that love . And it would break my heart for it to vanish . Any future children we have will not know Lucy . Max and Lucy were each others world for fifteen months . They were a wonderful fifteen months . I want so much for him to remember at least some of it his whole life . To really remember it . Not just from stories and pictures . Actual , real memories in his head that can keep the love alive in his heart . Not just for him , but so he can create a bridge between Lucy and any future siblings she has . We will need his help to be one whole family , rather than two distinct ones . A quick update about some of the issues I posted about yesterday - Chris , Max , and I went to dinner at a friend 's house tonight and Max eventually warmed up and played very happily with her little girl . He said he didn 't want to leave . Also , he has indicated ( Not said , mind you . ) that he had to go potty several times today and only had one accident . I need to remember what I was saying to Chris the other night . Nothing lasts forever in parenthood or , at least , they give you breaks often enough that you keep your sanity . It started with a birthday party for one of Max 's friends . Max would not let go of our hands . He repeatedly asked me to go in the foam pit with him even though Daddy was in there and I had already explained that I couldn 't get in because of my back . Then , he refused to sit down and eat with the other kids . It did not feel right to just let him continue playing in the foam pit when he was supposed to be celebrating his friend . Plus , Chris wanted a break from the foam pit . In true three - year - old fashion , Max did not care about politeness or what his Daddy wanted or needed . Something in me just kind of snapped . I had had it . I am very patient with him most of the time . I spend the vast majority of my life talking him down and convincing him to do things . But I was tired . I was stressed . Much as I love my friends and their kids , it is sometimes not easy to be around them or any other group that includes kids since Lucy died . Much of the time , it is fine . But today , several younger siblings of Max 's friends were there . That was the group Lucy was part of . She was a second child , a younger sibling , too . I looked at these kids and tried to picture Lucy crawling and toddling around with them and laughing . They are all still here , growing and enjoying life and she isn 't . They will all get older and she won 't . I wasn 't brooding incessantly over these things , but they hovered in the background of my mind , occasionally creeping to the foreground . One of the younger siblings is a girl and she reminds me of Lucy a bit at times . No one will ever replace Lucy , but I want another daughter so badly . Lucy will always be my daughter , but I am not going to get to watch her grow up and share mother - daughter activities with her . And I still want that . Anyway , I snapped and said we just had to leave . I grabbed the bag and told one of my friends that Max was being difficult and we just had to go . We practically ran from the place , even though I thought I heard someone call my name behind me . I felt so bad . The more I thought about it , the ruder it seemed . But I had just had it . I couldn 't stand listening to my son fuss and whine while I missed Lucy for one more second . Max was upset , but we were all pretty quiet on the drive over to Super Target . I told Chris we just shouldn 't say anything , because we were both upset and it wouldn 't be fair to Max . After we calmed down a bit , we explained about politeness and respecting Daddy 's needs . Also , about how our friends are very important to us and that it is an honor to be invited to celebrate someone 's birthday with them . I told him how he would be glad someday that he had known all of these children since he was born . I wished I had that growing up and that 's why I wanted that for him . My heart melted , " Oh , no , baby , you did not mess it all up . They are still your friends . You are you and we love you just the way you are . We will figure out a way to help you feel more comfortable in social situations . It will be ok . " Everything seemed ok after that . The trip to Target was fine . But I just grew more and more depressed . Why in the world didn 't my child want to play with others ? Why was he stuck to me like glue ? Why is it that one of my children is dead and the other one is antisocial ? Can I please just have some normal ? ? What have I done wrong ? ? ? Chris sensed I was having a hard time and convinced me to take a break . He wanted me to go have a nice , leisurely lunch , but I went to HEB and bought flowers ( Had to wait in line forever behind someone who wanted cigarettes . The cashier couldn 't get the cabinet unlocked . ) and headed to the cemetery instead . I bought pink hydrangeas . My friend Denise recently planted a pink hydrangea at her home on Prince Edward Island in honor of Lucy . Prince Edward Island is one of my favorite places in the world . It was the home of L . M . Montgomery , my favorite author . She wrote " Anne of Green Gables " , my favorite book , which is also set on the Island . I love that there is something in honor of Lucy there . Plus , the pink hydrangeas are delicate and sweet , like my girl . So , that is what I chose . I managed to overshoot and end up in Georgetown and had to turn around . Sigh . The cemetery is in Pflugerville . I lost my mind and thought Round Rock came before Pflugerville . I need some sleep . I finally arrived . Luckily , the sprinklers weren 't on this time . I set down the flowers and just talked to my girl . I poured out my heart to her . I told her everything I feel about her and everything I feel guilty about . I 'm not usually one to feel close to people at their graves , but I felt close to her there . Probably because , for once , there was nothing and no one to distract me . No people , no IPhone , nothing . I finally had some private time with her . Even when we said good - bye before they took her from the house , there were five or six strangers standing around watching . We were too shell - shocked to think to ask for privacy . The only other private moments I got with her were right before they closed the casket and even then , Max was howling for me at the other end of the chapel where Chris had taken him . I finally tore myself away , feeling a bit better . I felt like I had cried myself out anyway . It was so peaceful and lovely there . I 'm glad we chose that spot , even though I wish it was closer to our house . I grabbed a quick burger and headed home . Max was still in fine form , but we made it through the rest of the day . He was playing outside . We were about to get him to bed . And then the carbon monoxide detector went off . The firefighters came . ( At least , they didn 't need the siren this time . ) It turns out the levels probably went up because Chris used our new wok to cook dinner for the first time . He thinks the wok ring caused it . The levels were very low and going down rapidly while the firefighters checked . We will probably have the gas company come out and check to be sure , but everything seems ok . For the grand finale , Max pooped and peed his pants while the firefighters were here . At least , he did it outside . ( We had decided to stop making him go potty at designated times and see if having accidents and " being in charge " of his pottying would help him start going on his own . I 'll let you know how it goes . ) Yesterday was one of those rare days when everything went right . The weather was beautiful . Max and I made it on time to his hair appointment . It was a close call , because I lost momentum a bit in the home stretch , but we made it . We arrived at the salon and Max immediately asked for Roley , one of Bob the Builder 's friends . He played with Roley on one of his first visits before he even knew who Bob the Builder was . I was amazed he remembered . We were planning to meet Chris for lunch , but the haircut was over too early . We went to the library to kill some time . On the way in , Max urged me to hurry . Every time he saw another kid walk in before us , he said , " Ooh , hurry ! They 'll take our books ! " I geeked out the minute we walked in . I never realize how much I miss the library until I go back . I love looking at the rows and rows of books and seeing all the people , especially the children , enjoying them . We didn 't have much time , but that was okay , because we were on a mission to find " Max and Ruby " books . Max is suddenly back into " Max and Ruby " big - time . The mission was forgotten when I spotted " Thomas 's Great Discovery " on display and pointed it out to Max . From then on , that was the only book he wanted . I convinced him to check out two " Max and Ruby " books and two " Bear " books just in case . We headed over to meet Chris for lunch ( We had to read the Thomas book before we ate , of course . ) and then to the train table at Barnes and Noble . There was a new Thomas train table with some Chuggington trains on it , which blew Max 's mind a bit . He asked me numerous times why there was a new table with new accessories . I guess he kept hoping the answer would get more interesting than , " Fisher Price bought Tomy and Learning Curve and reissued everything , so Barnes and Noble is switching over . " It was , but it was ok . I cleaned him up as best I could and we headed home , where I cleaned him up the rest of the way . We read all of his library books through twice . He watched videos while I made hummus for Chris . You don 't get those days too often in parenting , but they do happen . Everything just seems to go right . You are patient and funny and kind . Your child is cooperative . And you don 't even mind when they poop in their pants and you have to leave Barnes and Noble . You are filled with enough love and happiness and optimism to still consider it a perfect day . I have a new school morning routine since Lucy died and Max started at his summer school . I usually pick up something I forgot at HEB . Then , I get in the car , turn on Rob Thomas 's " Little Wonders " and just cry . That song serves as a very effective emotional trigger these days . It can be very hard for me to tap into my feelings about Lucy 's death , but that song pretty much always does it . In a weird way , I feel like I spend more time focused on Lucy during school mornings now than I did when she was alive . I feel so guilty about that . When she was alive , other people would say that Max 's school time was a great opportunity for me to spend time with her . But I still wanted his school mornings to be for me . I wanted to spend time with her and I always enjoyed it . But I still wanted it to be time for me . I worried while she was here that I was focusing on myself too much and not taking the chance to have time with her . I kept trying to do better and I did sometimes . But I still feel so guilty about those school mornings now that she 's gone . Basically , Max 's school mornings are a chance for me to watch TV shows that neither my husband nor son like . I would usually watch while Lucy napped , but sometimes , especially when I first discovered " Revenge " on Hulu , she watched with me . I attempted to involve her . I told her about the show . I asked her what she thought was going to happen . I finally gave up on " Revenge " completely , because it consumed my attention too much when she was around . I restricted my TV time to only during naps . But I was still tired . And distracted . And busy . And I just feel like I never did enough . Especially considering that she was sick . We knew there was a very good chance we could lose her at some point . Even that wasn 't enough to overcome fatigue and longing for " me time " sometimes . Having a sick child brings a whole new level of guilt . I 've watched enough Lifetime and Hallmark movies to know how it 's supposed to go . You 're supposed to be a crusader for your child . Do research , travel miles for the best doctors , fight insurance companies for treatments , fight to get into clinical trials . We did do some research . We considered taking Lucy to Cincinnati where the best doctors for pediatric dilated cardiomyopathy are . We constantly had to balance between quality of life and concerns for her future . Not to mention concerns for Max . And most of the promising treatments we heard about just wouldn 't work for Lucy for one reason or another . I know other people who have sick children . I am so in awe of a couple I know who have a daughter with cancer . They have written on their blog about supplements they read about in peer - reviewed studies that can help fight cancer . Was I supposed to be reading peer - reviewed studies ? ? The one time I read one , it scared the bejeezus out of me . It listed absolutely terrible five - year mortality rates for kids with DCM . It turned out there were some complicating factors Lucy didn 't have . I decided not to read more for awhile until I had gotten over the initial shock of the diagnosis and we knew more where Lucy 's condition was heading . After the initial diagnosis , I couldn 't look at her bottles of medicine without getting sad and angry . I hated having a pediatric cardiologist in the contacts list on my IPhone . I needed adjustment time . Plus , I didn 't think it would help her to have a mom who was constantly stressed and sad . I just couldn 't live and give her and Max a good life while worrying she was going to die all the time . Then , the doctor told us she was probably going to get better . And then , she started to get worse out of nowhere . It was happening too fast for us to keep up sometimes . I was just trying to keep my head above water . But I feel like I was a slacker of a heart mom . Just keeping up with the regular medicines and doctor appointments and therapy appointments alone with regular life and Max swamped me . Plus , I still tried to include " me time " in order to keep my sanity , not to mention " couple time " . I know all of those things are important . I know I did the best I could " for who I was at any given time . " ( Thanks to " 7th Heaven " for that quote . ) But that is cold comfort now that Lucy is gone . So , now I cry and write letters to and blog posts about Lucy . I feel like I focus on her more than ever now . And I wish more than anything that I had done that more when she was here . Share this : TweetEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . 4 Comments Father 's Day I can 't believe the road we 've traveled since last Father 's Day . I don 't remember if we brought breakfast to Chris in bed that day or what presents we gave him . ( He doesn 't , either . ) I do remember that we went to Tarka , an Indian restaurant . Chris loves Indian food and I 'm not crazy about it , so I was surprised at how much I enjoyed it . Max even ate the chicken pakoras . Afterwards , we went to Sandy 's and looked at the toys and shoes and then enjoyed some frozen yogurt . I remember the frozen yogurt place was deserted and then loads of people came in as soon as we settled down . A movie must have just let out at the Alamo . Although we were stressed and tired that day , everything was perfect . Lucy and Max were thriving . We had survived several months of parenting two children on our own . The future was bright . Today has been bittersweet . Max and I were very excited to celebrate Chris this morning . There was a great deal of whimsy in our celebration this year , which is bound to happen when a three - year - old has input on the decisions . Max chose a syrup dispenser ( or " pourer " as he likes to call it ) for Chris and paid for it himself . He chose Christmas wrapping paper to wrap the gifts last night , as well as a card with a dancing bear inside . He took his job of " guarding " the gifts while I went to get tape and scissors very seriously , standing close to them and stage - whispering , " Is this how you guard them ? " When we took breakfast up to Chris this morning , Max was so excited I was afraid he would fall down the stairs . He raced in yelling , " Happy Father 's Day ! " Good thing Chris was already up . After the presents and cards were distributed , I caught sight of Lucy 's memorial folders still sitting on a table in our room . My heart sank . This day was just not the same without her . This is our first happy family holiday since she died . And it doesn 't help that she died on Mother 's Day . For a large chunk of the day , I have thought about how much I miss her and wish she was here . And I know Chris has , too . Chris and Lucy had such a special relationship . Lucy derived her greatest comfort from her Daddy 's arms . He could always get her to smile . If Lucy woke up at night , Chris was the one who was able to get her back to sleep . In fact , she would call for him . She was usually happy . She was just awake and wanted him to hang out with her . One of the last times she called for him it was a loud , decided , " Dad - DEE " ringing out clearly over the monitor . If anyone deserves the title of " Dad of the Year " for this past year , it 's my husband . He endured things no father should have to endure . His baby girl being diagnosed with a serious , basically fatal , illness . His baby girl enduring painful procedures in the hospital . His baby girl slowly falling behind the other kids her age as she got sicker . Spending nights in the hospital with her . Basically living in the hospital for three entire weeks with her . Listening to doctors say she could die at any moment . Trying to give her CPR after the worst happened . Holding her and saying good - bye . Chris could always endure the nights at the hospital better than me . No matter how strong and cheerful I was during the day , nights alone there got to me , especially if Lucy decided to scream instead of sleeping . Chris had the magic touch . He was so patient and comforting . He took an extra night once , so I wouldn 't have to do it . Eventually , we just started staying there together every night . Despite the sadness , we are both so happy to be with Max today . Max and Chris share a love of IPhone games and YouTube videos . Chris always finds the coolest videos and games for Max , ones that are fun and educational . He plays with him and makes him laugh . He is very inventive and thinks of ways to entertain Max that would never occur to me . And he does it all in a way that reflects who he is . He shares himself and his interests with Max . He shows Max the wonders of the world and life and science as he sees them . When it comes to parenting , my husband has done it all . Baths , diapers , cooking , feeding , you name it . If he could actually participate in pregnancy , birth , and breastfeeding , he probably would . ( Right , honey ? Right ? ? ? ) As much as he loves his children , a large part of the reason is because he wants to make things easier for me . He would do anything for any of us and he has . Happy Father 's Day , love . It is so important to me that my children have a good , strong father and you have surpassed my greatest hopes . Thank you for helping me through this past year . Thank you for loving our kids so much . Thank you for working so hard . Most of all , thank you for Lucy and Max . I 'm working on injecting more humor into the blog . Topics have been heavy around here lately . That 's understandable given what 's going on in my life , but there is still joy and I want to include it . Today is an odd day for that , considering that it 's the one - month anniversary of Lucy 's death . For most of the day , I have been fine . But I watched the clock all day . I watched the minutes creep inexorably towards my last moments with her and the last moments of her life . I felt dread , just as if I was actually reliving it , but with the knowledge of what was coming . At 6 : 15 today , the time they pronounced her officially dead one month ago , I was holding Max on my lap while he watched " Chuggington " . I called Chris over . She didn 't really die at 6 : 15 . She was already gone when I found her and the paramedics never got any response . I estimate it was between 4 : 15 and 5 : 00 . But 6 : 15 was the moment it became official and it is the time recorded on the death certificate . So , 6 : 15 it is . It felt good to cry and mourn . It helps me feel closer to her . It makes me feel like I 'm reacting normally . Much of the time , I feel like a heartless freak , because I feel fine . I immerse myself in life and hopes for the future . I know that is just my way of coping . It works for me . But it makes me feel like a bad mom that I don 't feel like the world has ended . I get sad and angry . I miss her and wish she was still here . I wish she had never been sick . But life goes on and I know that . It has gone on every time something bad has happened to me . Every time I have lost someone . This loss sucks more than any other . It sucks and it 's just plain wrong . But I still have so much to live for . And I wouldn 't trade my time with Lucy for anything . So , today , I snuggled my son . I watched TV with him . I took him shopping for a Father 's Day present for his Daddy . ( He picked it out and paid for it with his own money . It was so cute . ) I thought about and loved and cried for my daughter . We reminisced and laughed about discovering Lucy 's first tooth during Max 's bedtime routine one night . I laughed over the silly alternate lyrics Max concocted for the lullabies I was singing . That was today . One month out . Sadness and joy and so much love . I 'm looking forward to dinner with my husband after I finish this post . I 'm looking forward to the future . Watching Max grow . Having more children . Somehow , we will take Lucy with us on that journey . I plucked the two brown paper bags from the box in which Chris had placed them . I carried them to the table . They each sported two stickers , one printed , one handwritten . Each bore a description . The handwritten one said , " Chain of custody " at the top . One bag still sported tape across the top that said , " EVIDENCE " in bright blue letters . I held each item to my face . I sniffed them . They smelled a bit stale . Chris told me the police said they had been sealed since they took them from the house . I nuzzled and kissed Marshmallow a bit . That one is so soft . She was definitely one of Lucy 's favorites . Max was hanging out on the landing . He had been hanging out there for awhile . He wasn 't feeling well today and was just lounging around . I think he wanted to go to bed , but didn 't want to admit it . An exasperated sigh mingled with a slight laugh escaped my lips . " Hon , he peed all over the landing . " ( I don 't know why I exaggerated like that . ) " Oh , Lordy , " I added to myself . Sounds of aggravation and frustration emanated from the kitchen . My husband appeared . He was both exasperated and relieved that it was actually just a smallish wet spot . He took over cleaning the spot while I took Max by one hand and towed him upstairs , still clutching Lucy 's possessions in the other arm . I left Max in the bathroom briefly while I placed the items where they belonged . I said " Welcome Home " to Marshmallow and Cowie . Then , I returned to the bathroom to help my son clean up . Chris , Max , and I were unloading groceries after a trip to Super Target this afternoon . On the way home , we noticed that many of our neighbors were out - talking , washing cars , or just walking around enjoying the beautiful weather . As he closed the hatch on the Highlander , Chris encouraged Max to go next door and say hello to the boy sitting out there , maybe show him his train . We have all spoken with this boy many times and he is always sweet and friendly with Max , even though he is older . Normally , there would be no greater lure for Max than hanging out with one of the " big " boys , but he had spotted the neighbor across the street washing his car . I think he was so interested in that he had to have a closer look . ( I know . He 's never seen us washing a car . We let them get as dirty as we can stand and then go through the drive - through . ) I walked him across the street and Chris followed , still carrying all of the groceries , including two new litter pans . As we walked up , I called out that Max wanted to come over and say hello . Our neighbors across the street are two of the most gracious , friendliest people in the world and he greeted Max enthusiastically . Chris and I were prepared for our usual driveway chat , but the next words out of Max 's mouth were , " Can we see inside your house ? " Chris and I are pretty shy people . We want very much to be good neighbors , family members , and friends , but we seem to forget to reach out to people sometimes . These particular neighbors had been wonderfully friendly and warm ever since we first moved in over three years ago . All of the neighbors are wonderful here . The fact that we actually know them at all speaks volumes for their friendliness and willingness to reach out . So , we were very surprised , but actually pleased that Max had invited himself in . We received the unexpected gift of a lovely conversation with wonderful neighbors we are very lucky to have . Of course , true to form , I enjoyed myself , but with the constant hum of anxiety in the background . I worried about overstaying our welcome . I worried about leaving too soon and having them think we didn 't enjoy spending time with them . I worried about the fact that we have never had them over for dinner . Max is usually pretty shy , too , but he always wants to go in people 's houses . I am so glad he spoke up today . He wanted to go in and he said so . Chris and I didn 't even realize how much we wanted to go in until Max asked . I am going to work on not worrying and just taking it one neighborly encounter at a time . As I 've said before , I 'm going to keep reaching and I hope others will , too . |
Introduction : Brianna finds a ring she likes , but has no idea what 's going to happen soon . Brianna had turned 18 and and was now attending college . I could not even begin to explain , or describe how proud I was of this amazing woman . She was working towards her masters in child psychology . Her goal was to work with kids that were like she was , troubled . She wanted to be a beacon of light for those kids , as she explained it to me , like I was for her on the darkest day of her life . She explained that she couldn 't do what I did for her but she was going to do what she knew she could . On the days we were actually off together we would spend all waking hours together . We spent a lot of time together and she never stopped looking at me the way she did that first day . I absolutely cherished those days . As those days passed I fell deeper and deeper in love with her . She became my reason for living . We went to a lot of jewelry stores and looked at rings . Every time we went into one she she would glow . I loved the way she looked at me so much . Then one day we went to a very well known store . We were looking at rings as usual when she looked at a particular one . She had thee cutest reaction . She looked at me like a little girl . She bit her pinkie nail and looked up at me with puppy dog eyes . I looked at the lady and asked her to let her try it on . Watching Brianna as she slid it on her finger and just stare at it and keep looking at me just warmed my heart . I knew at that moment that we had found the ring that I was going to get . She told me time and time again that she loved it . We spent almost an hour just with her wearing that ring . She wore it as we continued to look at other rings . It was too big , but it didn 't stop her . She was so damn adorable that I had to hug her . Brianna reluctantly took the ring off and we left . Just as Brianna turned her back I slipped the lady a piece of paper saying that I would be back to get it in the next 24 hours . She just smiled and gave me a thumbs up as she smiled . " Baby , that ring was so beautiful , and I 'll bet it 's like , oober expensive . I just want you to know that I don 't want you to spend that much on me . I 'll be perfectly happy with the fake diamonds . " She said . " God baby I wish like hell I like afford that ring . I would love to get that for you , I really want to but I 'm just not sure if I will have enough . " I replied . I only got 24 hours off because I was working a 48 to cover for my captain . I had to pull her mom aside , since she already knew that I was going to propose to her daughter , and told her that I was getting her the ring she fell in love with . I asked her to keep Brianna away from the area where the jewelry store was at all costs . I already had her ring size so I was ready to go . I went to work the next day and we did our normal stuff . But when everything slowed down I sent a text to her mom letting her know that I was on my way to get it . She had to call Brianna to go home . Once she was there her mom let me know . Me and my crew hopped into the pumper and rolled to the store . That lady was shocked to see me in that pumper and in my bunker pants and such . Just before we left Hawai ' i my dad asked me how much I had saved for the ring . I had a lot of money in savings , enough to buy a brand new truck , but he gave me more money towards the ring . He hugged me and reminded me to call him when I was ready . I walked into the store and the lady smiled . " Yeah , she was here and showed her friend the ring . Earlier this morning . She was just as adorable then as she was when you were here with her . " The sales woman said . I smiled really big . " That 's my Brianna . " I said We walked to the desk she had and she rang it up . I was excited even though the price was very very high . I was well pleased that I had saved enough and that my dad helped me . I gave her the size and then we were off . The next day , I called her mom told me that she was in school . I went in and picked it up . I was elated ! My crew members gave me shit because of what I paid for it , except for Sarah who was our medic on the pumper . To me , Brianna was well worth it . She was priceless to me . We went back to the fire house and all of the other female firefighters all gushed when they looked at the ring . One wanted to try it on but I politely told them that Brianna 's finger is the only finger that it will go on . Brianna and I spent every waking moment together on days that either I wasn 't at work or she wasn 't at school . We still didn 't spend as much time together , but we always made time for each other one way or another . Either she would come by the station every time I was at work , or I would go eat lunch and spend time with her for lunch . Either way you look at it we both bent over backwards to make time for each other no matter what . We had at least one date night a week , sometimes more depending on what was going on . Our sex life ? Now that my friends was a whole other ball game . It was still absolutely amazing , my god was it amazing . That was the only thing that did not change . Another thing I did was randomly send her flowers . She never knew when she would get them . There were several times that I would send them to her while she was in class . One day when I was at work it was slow . All I could do was think about my very beautiful sexy Brianna . I got so horny I couldn 't stand it . I had to sit and hide my raging hard on . All I could imagine was Brianna naked . Just the thought of her very sexy tiny voice when she moaned , and how she moved around when we had sex . It started to make my cock throb . It was a slow day so she was all I could think about . I went to the bathroom and took a picture of my bulge and lifted my shirt so she could see my abs . She was in school but I sent that to her anyway . Then I locked the door to the bathroom and started to take more pictures . Before long I was taking my boxer briefs off . I pulled my cock out and stroked it a few times taking pictures the whole time . I got dressed again and went back to the couch and started to send those pics to her . After the last one I texted " this is what you do to me sexy . " After an hour I got a response from her . " GOD ur such an ASS ! " It read . A few minutes later I got a picture from her . She was holding her white cotton panties to the side with one hand . Her yummy shaved pussy was in full view . It was shiny from her wetness . A few minutes later another picture was sent to me . It was of her pussy with her fingers a half inch away from her pussy . Two of her fingers were very wet . There was a string of her sweet pussy goo that went from her fingers to her pussy . Then another with those same fingers in her mouth . After about 10 minutes I heard her car pull in . I walked outside and up to her car . She stepped out of the car and pressed herself into me and grabbed my cock . She had her long thick gorgeous blonde hair up in a pony tail , and she had on a small sun dress . It was low cut and it was also short . My cock twitched . I kissed her , and then she whispered in my ear . We walked into the bay and made a straight line to the closet . We managed to get inside without being noticed . I turned around and pushed her against the wall as I kissed her . She squeezed my cock through my pants and started to undo my belt with her other hand . I pulled the straps to her dress down as far as I could as I nibbled her ear and neck . We were both breathing very hard . She rubbed my cock really good and unzipped my pants . She groaned as she reached into my boxer briefs and pulled my cock out . I grabbed her ass and slid my hand to her pussy . " Uhhhh . . . we gotta make this quick , I have a class to get to . . " She whispered . I picked her up and pressed her against the wall . I lifted her skirt and positioned cock . I lowered her onto my throbbing cock and thrusted into her . " Mmmhhhh . . . god I love what you do to me . " She whimpered as I began to thrust into her hard . My pants fell to my ankle as I stepped back slightly . She had her upper back and head against the wall . She moaned as I held her up and fucked her tight pussy . Her legs squeezed around my hip as she started to get close . Her body began to shake as her head pushed her back away from the wall . She made noises that I had never heard her make as her pussy spasmed around my cock . Her cum began to squirt from around my cock as I continued to fuck her . She pulled on my shirt violently tearing it as her body tensed up . When she went limp I pressed her against the wall and kissed her hard with my cock still buried deep inside of her . I lifted her off of my cock and put her on the ground . She grabbed my cock and started to pull on it hard using her cum as lube . She pulled me to the other side of the room to the work bench . She leaned down and all but swallowed my cock . She continued to suck my cock fast . Then she stood up and we kissed as she pulled on my cock . She turned around and bent over lifting her dress and spreading her legs wide . She used her fingers to spread her pussy opened and looked back at me . I walked up and shoved my cock deep inside of her hard . She threw her head back and groaned as I began to fuck her hard and fast again . I reached down with one hand and began to squeeze her tits . I used the other hand to rub her clit making her body trembled again . Soon my body began to tense up . It felt like my cock got harder and harder . Just as I got really close Brianna exploded on my cock again , sending me over the edge . My hips thrusted violently as I shot my cock cream deep inside of her womb . I groaned as my orgasm rocked my entire body . We both came hard . We jerked and shook together before I pulled out of her . She reached down and scooped cum from her cum filled pussy and licked it off of her fingers . We just kissed for a few minutes until we had come back to earth . We both dressed and straightened ourselves up . It was difficult for me since my cock was still hard . I was ready to go again but she had to get back to her classes . She helped me tuck my cock back into my boxer briefs stroking it as much as she could as we kissed . " God I love your cock so much baby . It 's sooooo big and hard . Mmmmhhh , if I didn 't have class I would so fuck you again . " She said . " You 're the one that keeps my cock so hard baby . Your so beautiful and soooooo sexy . My god ! " I said as she giggled " God I wish you weren 't working , I would suck this yummy cock and fuck you so good . All I need is ten minutes . " She said . " I have no doubt about that , you 've done that before , I mean , three hours ? God I 'm getting so horny again . " She said . I kissed her hard and rubbed her tits through her dress . " God , well equipped is an understatement baby . You have a huge cock . I have only seen cocks like yours in porn . Now I know why girls moan and scream so much in porn . " She said as she giggled . " Why wouldn 't I make it baby ? " She asked very seductively . " Because I would slide my throbbing cock deep inside of you all day . " I whispered . " God yes I do remember . You make so many girls jealous of me already just because of how hot you are . What 's one more reason right ? " She asked . " Right . " I said as we both laughed and got ourselves together . We walked out of the room and several of my crew members were looking at us funny . Brianna noticed it and got embarrassed . She held my hand with her left hand and wrapped her right arm through my arm . She put her face against me as we walked out to her car . She smiled really big as I opened her car door for her . " No , a lot of them have sex with their wives or girlfriends in there all the time so it 's not new . But if I do , it will be so worth it . " I said . I kissed her hard as she sat in the car . I closed the door and watched her drive away . Once I got back into the bay those other crews clapped as they laughed . They heard Brianna whimpering and moaning when we were in there . My captain came up to me and nudged me with his elbow . I walked off smiling really big . The female crew members were looking at me funny , but in a good way . I changed my shirt and went back out . The rest of the day continued but I was still horny . My god that girl of mine sure knew how to keep me wanting more ! It was easy to get distracted since it was so slow . She started to send me some very yummy selfies from school which wasn 't helping matters at all . At one point I stood up not realizing that there were several females in the room . My bulge was very obvious . And yes , they did notice . " My god . . . yes I do . " I replied . Those girls were looking at me very funny for the rest of he day , and not like I was a creeper either . Later that day the female firefighter that was giving me shit walked up to me . I walked out to see her and Jessica getting out of her car . My cock immediately started to swell again . Brianna smiled as I walked up to her and gave her a hug and a kiss . " Um so we have a problem . " Brianna said . " I was showing some pictures to Jessica , and she like took my phone and I went to the bathroom . Well , while I was in there she started to go through all of my pictures . Well , ummm she like saw the picture of your really big dick . " She said . " She would not give me my phone back once she saw your dick . Like I said baby , you 're going to make a lot of girls more jealous . " She said " Why wouldn 't I be . You 're my awesome boyfriend , and I have absolutely no doubt that you won 't cheat on me . Plus it kind of turns me on seeing the look on her face when she looks at that picture . " She said softly . We went into the fire house and the girls there looked at her . They all smiled and said hi to her . They took her from me and went to the female bunk room . They were gone for a while . Once they came out , Brianna 's face was flush . She gave me a very sexy smile and bit her lower lip . Jessica at some point joined them in that bunk room . Brianna was all over me as we hung out for a few minutes . Then I walked them out to her car . Once there Brianna smashed her body against mine . We kissed hard for over a minute . " Fuck I love what you do to me ! Those girls that work with you , you may have to beat them off of you baby . " She said . I watched as they left . Once back inside I was grilled by those girls . I didn 't know what to tell them , I really didn 't . I did give them advice on what to look for and such . I made sure to tell them not to settle for less . Guys like me were very rare , hence the general label that most women give males . Two of them asked if I had ever thought about cheating on Brianna . That was a question that was very very easy to answer . No , not a chance in hell . I proceeded to tell them how much I loved Brianna . They were all impressed and told me how much they respected me because of how good I was to her . We later went to bed and it stayed quiet . The next morning the shift change began . I cleaned up any mess to make it easy for the next crews , and packed my stuff . I got into my truck and yummy images of what I wanted to do to wake Brianna up began to run through me head . I got home and went to the basement . Her parents had already gone off to work and had taken Corey to school . Yeah they were well set because of my dad , but they were working their final two weeks out . I went into my room , and there she was in my bed . My cock started to get hard as I started to get undressed . I went and took a shower and wrapped myself with only a towel around me . I walked back to my room and went in . I dropped the towel remaining completely naked . I shut the door and locked it . My god she was so beautiful ! I stood there and watched her sleep for a few seconds . I gently pulled the blankets down only to see her gorgeous pale white skin . She was naked . " My god ! " I said under my breath as I looked her over . She shifted into a position that gave me very easy access to her pink little pussy . I reached down and stroked my cock a few times and moved towards her pussy . I laid on the bed slowly and gently and put my face as close to her yummy pussy as I could . I took a deep breath in to smell her sex . My cock twitched as I moved in and very gently and softly kissed her pussy . I licked her clit softly and ever so gently and slowly kissed my way up her sexy little body . I very gently sucked her nipples in my mouth and sucked on her tits . She was still sound asleep yet her breathing began to pick up . I continued to suck on her tits as I reached down and started to very softly caress her pussy lips . I noticed that she was starting to get wet . I dipped my finger tips between her pussy lips and stroked the entire length of it . Her hips moved ever so slightly once I touched her clit . As I did this I continued to suck in her tits . I looked up to see that she was still sound asleep . I smiled and kept doing all of this to her . After a few minutes she rolled onto her back and opened her legs and whimpered slightly . She was starting to wake up slowly . I kissed down her body ever so gently , trying to bring her cI kept eating her sweet pussy , only I slipped my fingers deep inside of her wet gushing hole . She continued to cum as I rubbed her g spot and lick her clit . Her hips thrusted jerkingly into my face as she continued to soak my face . Both of her hands went onto my head and she started to pull my hair . She collapsed breathing very hard . I looked up to see her eyes wide opened . I kissed my way up her body and then her mouth . She wrapped her arms around my neck as we kissed . " God babyhhhh . You can wake me up like that anytime . " She moaned . She hadn 't quite noticed that I was completely naked . I kissed her again as I laid in top of her . I pushed myself up and straddled her . I slid my hard throbbing cock and my balls up her soft body and in between her tits . I thrusted my cock between her tits . " Oh my fucking god babyhhhh . . . you 're already naked . " She whimpered as she reached up and pushed her small tits together , sandwiching my cock between them . " Mmmmmmmhhhhh , god that feels good . " I moaned . " The look on Jessica 's face when she saw your huge cock . She doesn 't know that I watched her . Her eyes were really wide and her mouth was wide opened . I watched her touch herself a little bit . " She replied . " I use to watch porn before I met you , and like , after I met you I haven 't watched it since . I just figure that watching you with another girl would be so much hotter than watching porn baby . " She said . My mouth was opened wide in shock . Yet I was so turned on . My cock throbbed as I listened to her little girl voice telling me that . " Have you ever kissed a girl ? " I asked . " It 's only going to be a one time thing . I love you and I only want you . So promise me that if we do this , it 's only once . " I said . " Mmmmhhhhh babyhhh . . . it 'll be my first time with a girl , and your first time with two girls . First times for both of us . " She said seductively . I slid down her body and kissed her hard as she whimpered into my mouth . I slid my cock along the length of her soaked pussy . I stopped kissing her and looked into her eyes . Just as she started to tell me , I shoved my cock deep into her pussy . " Uuhhhh , mmmmhh . . Jessica . " She said as I thrusted in and out of her . " Yeah baby ? Why Jessica ? " I asked as I thrusted the entire length of my cock in and out of her pussy . " Oohhhh , god hhhhhhh hhhhh hhhhh . Caus . . . cause she is hhhot . Shhh . . . she is bb bi . I . . I 've . . . always haaaa . . . . uuuu . . had a little ggg . . girl crush on her uhhhhh . " She whimpered as I fucked her slowly . " She llll . . lov . . . loves you your ccc . . . cock uuhhhhh ! " She moaned . " Oh god Brianna , your pussy feels so good ! " I moaned . I started to thrust in and out of her fast . My hips were smacking against hers . Her body twisted and shook as I picked her up . She started to squirt her cum from around my cock as I turned around and laid on my back . She was now on top and she orgasmed . I picked her ass up and bent my legs . I started to fuck her pussy hard and fast . She groaned into my ear as she started to have orgasm after orgasm . She collapsed on top of me . I kept pounding her pussy non stop . After a few minutes of this my balls tightened . I kept pounding as my cock began to erupt deep inside . I collapsed onto my back yet she started to ride my cock . She rested her ford head on mine and looked deep into my eyes . She kissed me hard as she started to ride my cock . My cock stayed hard and she slowly rode my cock . We kissed almost non stop as she slid up and down my cock . We stared into each others eyes as we both came really hard again . We both collapsed onto the bed and just laid there . We stayed like that for a long time . We then got up as she looked me all over and bit her lip . " God I love you . " I said . She smiled really big and walked up to me . She kissed me really good . " I love you too baby . I so want to spend the rest of my life with you . " She said . " I really want to spend the rest of mine with you too . " I said as I smiled . " By the way . Jessica spent the night , she is in my room sleeping in my bed . " She said . We both got dressed and Brianna went out to the family room . Jessica just happened to be in there . They talked for a few minutes as I put a pair of jeans on , and no shirt . Brianna came back in and told me that Jessica was out there . She told me to wait a few seconds after she went back in . She really wanted to see Jessica 's face . After five seconds of Brianna going out there , I walked out . " Hey sexy . " I said as I walked out . Brianna looked over at me , and then Jessica . Jessica 's jaw had fallen onto the floor . She looked at Brianna and noticed that she was giving her a sexy smile . We all went upstairs and started to make breakfast . Brianna went to get dressed . Jessica stood in the kitchen . She had a button down shirt on that I had noticed had three buttons undone . She was a red head . She had a very very cute face , but nothing like Brianna . Her tits were big , about a c cup and they were very perky , so her cleavage looked very very nice . " There is no guessing baby , you are very well endowed . . . down there . " Brianna said giving me a very sexy look . " Yes I am . " I said . I looked at Brianna shocked at how forward Jessica was being . She just smiled seductively and looked right at my crotch . " Isn 't she hot babyhhh . " Whispered in my ear . We ate breakfast and as I cleaned the kitchen I noticed that the girls were looking at me with very hungry eyes . Like I was a piece of meat . Jessica looked at my bulge and licked her lips . Brianna did the same . Brianna wore another sun dress that was bright and looked way to small . She shot me a text . I turned around and I saw Brianna whisper in Jessica 's ear . Then Brianna gave me thee sexiest look and spread her legs . She bit her lip as I looked down to see her bare shaved pussy . I looked up at her and she smiled . My cock began to grow hard . I bit my lip and walked up to her . " You 're so wrong . " I whispered and then kissed her . As I stepped back I looked at Jessica and she was staring at my bulge . Brianna looked at her and shivered as she watched Jessica bite her lip and look up at me . Brianna looked at me and her eye brows jumped . The girls eventually left for school and I was left alone . It wasn 't all bad since I had a lunch date with her parents . Her mom already knew what it was about , but her father didn 't . I was nervous as hell . Even though I pretty much knew what the answer might be . But from what my father taught me all of my life , I knew it was just a matter of respect . I was shaky and my palms were sweating . I kept running over what I had planned to say over and over again pacing the floor . I had quite a few extra hours . I went and ran a few errands . I then ran home and grabbed the rings . I went to the dinner where I was getting ready to talk to her parents . We sat and ate and chatted it up . We were there for quite a while and our waitress was awesome . I gave her a heads up that we might be a while and I explained to her as to why . After we got my bill I looked it over and noticed that the waitress had written " good luck " on it . I sent it off and put 50 . 00 dollars into the tip line . I then got very nervous . " Well , uhhh . . you know how much I love your daughter . I can 't even begin to explain to you how much I love that girl . She is my world . She has been my rock and she is the reason I get up everyday . I would give everything I have up for her . Including my life . She is my light in this dark world . In my line of work we see the very dark side of life . She has been my anchor , my support , and my aid in seeing all things good in this world , and most importantly my very very bright light in all of the darkness I see every time I go to work . That being said , I have thought about this long and hard . Sir when you asked me what I saw myself doing in five years , I knew what I wanted . I have one more thing that I need to add to that . The bottom line here is when I look even further ahead in my life , wether it be 5 years , 10 years , even 60 years ahead , I see one thing that is consistent . And that is your daughter Brianna . I guess the conclusion in all that is simple . I am asking for your permission to ask for your daughters hand in marriage . Can I please marry your daughter . " I asked . " Before you two met , we thought we had lost her . She never spoke to us unless it was very disrespectful . We were at a loss as to what we were going to do . If she had a problem she would never come to us . She attempted suicide a few times . We were praying for a miracle because that is all we had left in our favor . You , you were that miracle we were praying for . That day she first laid eyes on you , was thee first time she had ever plopped on our bed and talked about anything . For four hours , all she did was talk about you . We were beside ourselves . It took several weeks for us to wrap our heads around that , and the fact that she talked about you every day . Then when you talked to her and ate lunch with her , and hung out with her and her friends at school , and drove her to the other side of the school , that is all we heard about for hours . We honestly thought she was unhealthily obsessed with you . But we didn 't say anything because it was like a very bright light was just switched on . Then you took her on a date , and she comes home on cloud 9 because she had you as her boyfriend . You were hers . I guess you kissed her in school that next Monday too . Bottom line is this . She is the happy little girl we use to know . You saved her life literally . You saved our baby , we have never seen her as happy as she is now . She is very respectful now , and just a few months before prom , she stayed in our room begging and pleading for us to forgive her for how she treated us , and for hurting us like she did . She cried so hard knowing that she had hurt us . She slept with us that night . She is a completely different person now . So that being said , you not only saved her life , you changed it for the better , in a big big way . You also changed our lives . When you two started dating as an exclusive couple , we stopped worrying about her . For the first time the day you kissed her for the first time , we slept soundly . And I mean , we slept really good . Her mother here , didn 't cry herself to sleep for the first time in several years . We can 't tI pulled the box out and handed it to her mother . She opened the box and all of the females gushed when the saw the ring . " It 's so beautiful ! " Her mom said . They all took a really close look at it and passed it on to other people to look at . After a while I got the rings back and then we all left . I made sure to let them know that they are in no way to even give my Brianna a hint of what was going on . They all agreed . Her parents took the rest of the day off so we could plan the whole proposal . As I drove behind them , I called the Cheif to let him know we were on , and that " Operation Marriage Proposal " was now a go . Once at home her parents and I sat down . I explained to them what my plan was . Since they received a lot of money from my father , they purchased a new home . They paid the one we are in off and they planned on donating it to the fire department for training . They were slated to move in just over a month . So we all agreed that I would propose to her close to their move out date . They were starting over with all new furniture , appliances and everything . So they were donating it as it sat , minus the cloths and personal priceless articles . I asked them to participate in my proposal idea . They weren 't very happy about the idea that my Brianna would freak out , but they were game either way . They were very excited . Now , Corey her brother was there also and started to help plan the whole thing . He didn 't know why we were doing this , but he got excited as hell . Later that day before she got home from school I took Corey out for ice cream . I spent a whole bunch of time with Corey . So much so that he was a permanent honorary fire fighter with the department . On the days I wasn 't working or working on my massage therapy cert , and Brianna was in school , I would spend a lot of time with him . He and I had grown very close . While we ate ice cream , I asked him if I could marry his sister . He cried and hugged me he was so happy . I explained to him that all that planning we were doing , was for her . He pinkie swore and promised that he would keep it a secret . I then took him to the fire house . He sat with us and offered great ideas , things w " Adam , you 're a really great guy . " He said . I just smiled not knowing what to say . All I knew was that I was the luckiest man to ever walk the planet , to have her in my life . When we got home , I sat in the truck and asked Corey to be my best man . He accepted with a hug . Once we got out of the truck Brianna was walking to the truck . Corey ran up to her and gave her a huge hug . Brianna smiled looking confused . Just as he let to and went into the house I walked up to her and kissed her . We went in hand in hand and he rest of the night we just watched movies in the family room . When the movie was over everyone went upstairs and it was just me and my Brianna . She was sitting in my arms and I was really enjoying it , so much so that I didn 't move . We just laid there and relaxed . " Good weird , when I got home mom and dad just came up to me and hugged me out of nowhere . And when you and Corey got home , he did the same thing . " She said . " I 'm with you , I 'm not sure when that would be . So you think I would be good at it huh ? " I asked . " Well first I think she is hot , and she told me that she was bi . She talks about being with girls and boys all the time . I think she wants me too . She looks at me funny all the time . " She replied . " Besides , I want to see you her with you , I want to see what she does when she sees how incredibly sexy you are . I 'm just wondering how we should do this , I mean get her to want to have sex with us . " She said . " Ok , what about we just play a game of truth or dare with her . We will just start off with regular stuff and then work towards the subject of sex . " I said . " Oh ! That 's a good idea ! Wait , her birthday is this weekend , mom , dad and Corey will be gone . We should sooo do it then . Like a birthday present for her . " She said . " What 's that ? " I asked as my cock started to get harder and harder . " Her between my legs , and you behind her fucking her at the same time . It 's all I imagined today . " She said . We went to the bedroom and we both got comfortable on my bed . She pulled her iPad out and showed me a picture of a threesome . My cock twitched when she showed me that pic . The girls had started off kissing , you could see their tongues as they kissed . The picture set showed everything from the start , to when the dude walked in . And everything from there . I had reached down and had started to stroke my cock . She noticed and kissed me as she reached down and started to rub it for me . I slid my hand up her leg as she spread them . I started to rub her pussy through her pajama bottoms . She whimpered into my mouth as she squeezed my cock and stroke it . She pushed me onto my back and reached into my sweatpants . She sat up onto her knees and faced me . She pulled my cock out and pulled my pants down to just past my balls . She kissed me as she started to stroke my cock . As we kissed I pulled her panties and pants down to her knees . I broke the kiss and tuned towards her . I started to kiss her pussy as I slid a finger into her seeping hole . She bent down and started to lick my cock . Once my tongue made contact with her clit , she all but swallowed my cock making me groan . She popped my cock out of her mouth and sat up . She took her shirt and bra off and then her pants . She then slid my pants and boxer briefs off . I then picked her body up and laid back . She spread her legs wide as I placed her pussy in my face . And her legs on either side of my head . I began to kiss and lick her sweet pussy as she sucked my cock . We both moaned . She whimpered . I ate her pussy softly and gently using my tongue to probe deep inside of her . I used my bottom lip to rub her clit . She began to grind her pussy into my face as I slowly and gently tongue fucked her sweet pussy . I could feel her saliva running down my cock and soaking my balls . She began to play with my balls making me moan into her pussy . She started to grind her pussy jerkingly into my face as her juices began to fill my mouth . She had her face on my thigh and was breathing really hard on my cock as she jerked it . She whimpered and moaned as her hips jerked . I didn 't wait for her to come down . I picked her up and and rolled her onto her side . I got behind her and slid my cock deep inside of her pussy . She was still cumming when I buried my cock inside of her . She moaned loudly into my hand as I began to fuck her really slow , sliding my cock all the way to where only my cock head was inside of her , then back in all the way . After my fourth stroke her pussy spasmed around my cock as her body tensed up and jerked violently . I pulled all the way out as she started to cum . She squirted all over my cock and balls . As she squirted cum , I shoved my cock in as deep as it would go , making her moan . I turned her head towards me and kissed her . As I kissed her I started to thrust my cocks entire length in and out of her at a slow steady pace . I was getting very close to blowing my load . I started to pound her pussy making her moan into my mouth . We both tensed up and shook as we both began to cum . My entire body felt amazing as my cock filled her with my cock cream . At the same time she was cumming hard soaking my balls and leg . We both collapsed and laid there for a while . We climbed under the covers and fell asleep with my cock still inside of her . The next morning we woke up and started to kiss . My cock had slipped out of her pussy while we slept . As we kissed I started to get hard again . She felt it and reached down and pulled it against her wet pussy . Just as I was getting ready to slide into her her mom knocked on the door . We had to stop because they were taking us out to breakfast . We were hungry so we got up and got dressed . As usual she was all over me . I love it when she can 't keep her hands off of me , which is pretty much all the time . She still looked at me the way she did the first day we met . I loved the way she looked up and smiled at me when she was plastered to my side . I could never resist the temptation to lean down and kiss her . I think we said I love you to each other thousands of times . It 's been damn near 3 years now since we started to date and that fire still burns very strong . We went to the amusement park with Corey and the parents . The only reason , contractors , Fire Marshal , and chief were all at the house setting things up . We got like 8 really big fog machines that were being hidden around the house . That was one of the ideas that Corey gave us . So he and her mom and dad knew exactly what was going on . I finally got a text from the chief that said they were done . We just stayed out and spent the entire day together . Once we got home , I looked around and couldn 't tell anything had been done . There were now three big fog machines in the house . I knew where they were , and how they were placed to ensure there was no fire as a result of " operation marriage proposal " . That was the first night Brianna and I didn 't have sex . We were both just completely worn out . We just took showers and went to bed . She did sleep in my arms which was perfectly ok by me . I was just happy having her like that . The next morning I was awakened to soft kisses on my face and lips . " Good morning sexy . It 's time to get up for work . " She said with a huge smile . We got out of bed . She helped me get my uniform ready . As I went to take a shower she walked me to the bathroom and we kissed . God she was such a great kisser . I loved what she did with her tongue in my mouth . I went and took a shower and she went to make me breakfast . Once I was in my uniform and ready I went up stairs and ate breakfast with her . I then went to work . God she had become such a horny girl since she gave me her virginity . I was the lucky person who got to benefit from it , every day . Some times two to three times a day . I never knew that she would be so horny , but I loved it . Soon The weekend started to get closer . Brianna was getting nervous , but I was excited about our up coming weekend , and so was she . She would keep saying how she was nervous about kissing a girl for the first time ever . I can 't lie , I was looking forward to seeing that . She made it clear that she wanted me to be there when she did it . She wanted me to watch her and Jessica , and watch my cock get hard . Read 34581 times | Sounds pretty much like the type of I have been searching for my whole life . That elusive unicorn , that no one ever sees or even possible exists . Wonderful story , it is an amazing read and a reason to remain hopeful . . . . thank you . |
There once was a beautiful princess who lived in a realm not seen by man . Every day , she watched the people of the Earth and wondered what it would be like to be one of them . The people of the Earth were always so busy moving to and fro with many things to do . She watched their short lives begin and end in hours for time moved very differently in the unseen realm . One day , the princess noticed a man helping a stranger . She didn 't understand what was happening so she watched as he took the stranger into his home and cared for him . He gave the stranger clean clothes and warm food and a bed to sleep in . Intrigued by the man , she watched him for many lifetimes . He was always kind , always caring , and he helped all those around him with a smile . The princess eventually grew to love him and her desire to be human increased even more . The King , great and wise that he was , looked at her with love . " The Earth isn 't like our world , " he told her . " You will know many things you do not know here , things that will cause you pain and sadness . " The princess didn 't know what pain and sadness was . Where she lived , there was happiness and rainbows . " But Father , all I do is watch the people of the Earth from the outside . I would like to be on the inside as one of them . " No matter what the King 's response was , the princess insisted until the King gave in to her desire . " One day , my darling . Then no more . " The princess nodded . One day was more than enough time for her to find the man and live out a human life . " Thank you , Father ! " The princess leaped for joy and hugged the King . " You will watch over me , won 't you ? " she asked him . He nodded . " I can 't wait to go ! I want to go now ! " In all her excitement , she had forgotten that in order to become one of the people of the Earth , she had to be born as one of them . She would no longer have her powers or her immortality . Nevertheless , the King granted her wish and gently sent the princess down to the Earth with love . The princess was born to a very loving family with many siblings . From the beginning , being human was so strange that it was overwhelming . The poor princess cried daily at her troubles . She didn 't understand how the human body worked or why she was so lonely being separated from her father . She didn 't even remember that she was a princess . The desire to go home was so great that she had forgotten why she came to Earth in the first place . The King , seeing his daughter 's distraught , sent her a vision in a dream . " You wanted this , " he reminded her . " One full day , no more and no less . " " You asked for this , my darling . You will have to be patient and wait it out . Remember why you wanted to come . Become human and live as one of them . Learn as one of them . Promise me . " With a sigh , the princess conceded and said " I promise I will live and wait the day to be over . " The dream ended and the princess was very sad . She wanted to go home , but she had promised to stay . With each passing lifetime , the princess remembered less and less of her real home . Her dreams were filled with fragments of memories . She remembered faintly of the man , but could never find him . In each life , she felt the strong desire that home wasn 't Earth . One day was the same as a thousand years . The poor princess has only lived a handful of lifetimes and must live through much more before she could return . The day is clear and beautiful as dewdrops still clung to the blades of grass trampled underfoot by the man who walked carelessly along the unmarked path in the dark woods . He is tall and slim - not skinny but pale , as pale as the creamy surface of the moon that sometimes could be seen in the sky during such a beautiful day as this . His long hair fell right below his waist , tied in a ponytail braid without a source of a tie . Loose strands of hair framed his angular yet long face . His eyes are a dreamy deep chestnut tinged with goldenrod streaks . His thin lips curled into a grin as thoughts of joy danced through his head . He walked towards the edge of the dark woods , towards the village but not close to it . His destination is somewhere different than neither the quaint shops of arcane and modern delicacies in the midst of the village nor the huge architectural wonders of the city . He took a turn and walked forward , up a grassy hill that sloped more like the side of a deep cliff instead of a small rounded bump . He soon reached a modest residence that stood alone at the top , its white columns holding together two stories of which were painted bright white but had aged to an almost dirty speckled white where some patches of the house were covered with more dirt than the rest . The house had no windows visible and no entrances or exits save a door that stood in between two post classical columns . Another man , a taller man with blonde hair and flaming green eyes looked at him nervously while tapping an irritated foot against the hardwood floor . " Yes ? " He asked , raising an eyebrow in question of the man on his doorstep . It is nearly dusk now and all around is quiet . No noisy beetles or chirping crickets abounded . The very beginnings of stars appeared overhead along with the moon to light the way for travelers but the house stood motionless . Then the door opened and the man with the long hair walked out , a look of satisfaction plastered on his face as he dragged behind him a huge mahogany box . The door shut itself as the man past and it once more stood still , resembling a sleeping giant . The man walked the same way he had come and through the dark woods he ventured . The night sky changed the shadows of the woods and an eerie dread replaced the look of happiness on the man 's face . He is nervous now , glancing around at every stir within the woods ; beads of sweat started to form on his face as he walked forward . The soft click of a tree branch or an old tree limb that cracked underneath the weight of a passing critter stopped him in his tracks . He stood still and cold , with the passing of the breeze , as a statue in the middle of the dark woods . His eyes scanned his surroundings , terrified of what he should find . A moment passed . Then more and more time passed and no creepy shadow came to pester him . He moved slowly and walked , his pace quickening as if he is silently being chased by some unseen presence . The edge of the box hit against an ancient tree as the man stopped and from behind the tree , pulled out a shovel . The moistness of the dirt made it easy to scoop out and pile beside the roots of the tree . The rain the night before drenched the earth and made it easier for the man to dig deep and fast . It didn 't take very long until he dug enough and seeing that , he laid the shovel against the side of the tree as he shoved the box into the hole . It hit the bottom of the hole with a thud , a soft sound that barely could be heard but was rather felt by the swaying of the contents inside . Reaching down , his fingers gently clasp the silver chain and ran it through thumb and forefinger , feeling the smoothness of the chain . His fingers stopped momentarily to outline the detail of the charm before he caught a glimpse of green . The man with the green eyes stared intently at him , those bright green eyes flaming with anger . The man with the long hair bent down over the box with a casual grin . He bent down closer into the box to unclasp the necklace and as he did so , the man with the green eyes whispered something into his ear . He shrieked back from the box as if in pain and the flames within the green eyes of the man in the box burned into the depths of his soul . He gripped his head in agony and fell onto the ground , gasping for air . It was a moment before it all faded and the man with the long hair stood up once more . He took the necklace and stuffed it into his pocket , a silver necklace with a silver charm . He laughed at the man in the box . The man with the green eyes was tied at the wrists and ankles with heavy rope . Although his mouth was not gagged , he did not speak . He only stared with unblinking eyes . The man with the long hair spat into the box three times , took the shovel and poured dirt back into the box , starting from the foot of the box and working his way up to the face of the man with the green eyes . As he lifted the shovel high in the air , heaping full of rich black earth , he grinned at the man with the green eyes - those flaming green eyes which were all bright and vibrant looked back a lifeless and dull green , cloudy and weary . The man hesitated before tipping the shovel over to pour dirt on top of the man in the box . He heaved dirt back and forth , filling up the box and soon , filling up the hole that he had dug . He patted the earth with the backside of the shovel once his task is finished and smiled to himself ; a hand deep into the inner reaches of his pocket , fingers intertwined with chain and charm . He threw the shovel behind the tree and spat three more times on the freshly buried grave . Satisfied , he began to walk away from the grave , the box , the tree , and the memories of the man with the green eyes . He walked farther and farther until it all disappeared behind him , nothing more than a forgotten memory that is too forgotten to be remembered . He walked until he reached the edge of the woods and saw the shadowed outline of the village ahead . Stepping forward , he is thrown back into the woods by unseen hands . His body throbbed and convulsed until he is so distorted that he did not know which arm was where and which foot was there . The pain spasms down his body from head to toe in great waves of anguish and he cried out horribly . His eyes burned and he longed to dig them out of the sockets if he could find a way to signal a hand to will itself towards his face . Tears ran down his cheeks and his endless screams of agony went unheard . When it was all over , he laid in a heap in the woods , a meter from the edge of the village path . His head was bent underneath his back , broken oddly to one side while his legs twisted and curled here and there . His arms were twisted in unnatural positions and his eyes glistened with tears as the chain in his pocket is still clutched safely in one hand . Death is only a small thing but for him , the necklace had brought him more than death ; it brought him the loss of his freedom . Those big brown eyes rolled back into his head and as the whites appeared , his eyes closed on its own . His body stiffened and his mind ran away to dance with the nymphs of the distant waterfall . Death took him , in those clawed hands , and carried him away on threads of wispy blackness . A moment later , the man with the long hair blinked . His fingers slowly - and painfully - lifted his legs from on top of his arms . He managed somehow to untwist himself , to bend into place what was bent out of place , and to snap his head back into its rightful position . He muttered as he sat on the cold earth ; holding both his hands before his eyes , he tested each finger to see if they worked . Cursing , he got up and walked towards the path again , towards the edge of the village . With one foot brushing the outside of the dark woods , in mid step , he is thrown back with such force that he landed somewhere that he did not recognize . He cringed at the sound of something broken as he hit the dirt floor . He found himself okay although he is not spared the pain from impacting the earth . He bent his foot back into place and reconnected his spine , muttering curses into the darkness . Somewhere in the night , he could hear the man with the green eyes laughing at him . He cursed the man with the green eyes and tried to find his way back to the edge of the dark woods . He began walking , only to find himself amongst moving shadows and nothing more . He came to the conclusion after several attempts that he is lost ; not only lost but damned as well . It is past dark now and she worried about him . She sat upon the white loveseat , her legs tucked neatly under he tiny frame . She sips freshly brewed hot tea made from the pink and purple tea flowers that bloomed on the top of the still lake , nestled in the woods , hidden behind rock and waterfall . She brought the teacup to her lips , two fingers resting on the tiny handle , and took a sip or two . The hot liquid warms her as it passed through her throat . She sat still ; the only movement came from the steady lifting of the teacup . Her eyes glance out the living room bay windows often as she hoped to catch sight of him walking towards her front door . Her long black hair hung down her shoulders and spread itself upon the brocaded loveseat . This is not the first time that he has been late but he has never been this late before . She thought back to their last conversation and was lost deep in thought when there came a knock at the door . Time had passed and it is late morning when he arrived . She got up slowly , deliberately , and set her teacup upon the saucer that rested at the edge of a thick cherry oak table . She did not rush but glided towards the door with a smile on her face , thinking of how she would hug him instead of scold him for worrying her so . She is happy enough that he is safe and sound . The door opened and she looked at him a moment , a bit confused and a bit bothered by the way he looked . His clothes carried dirt in almost every crevice and fold ; somewhere along the way , he needed a shower badly . The smell of damp earth clung to him and she guided him upstairs to use her bathroom instead of turning him around to go home . When he finished and came downstairs with the new clothes that she had set out for him , she set out a second cup of tea for him on the table . He found her sitting on the sofa , her eyes smiling at him while she sips hot tea from her own cup . He sat himself down beside her , not too close and not too far . He thanked her and took a big gulp of tea , a bit clumsily of manners , before whispering to The house felt empty and she felt alone . Lying , she found herself escaping into dreams - dreams of now distant memories that faded too fast for her to grasp a hold of . Even in sleep , tears rolled down , wetting the expensive upholstery as she wandered away from reality into the space in between . She did not venture outside , nor did she venture into her garden where the weeds took root , overtaking her crops . Wild vines climbed and settled themselves over her house in tight overlapping rows . For a year , everything stayed the same . For two years , no one has seen a trace of her . The flowers that once grew in her garden and filled the yard with a sweet fragrance shriveled and died underneath the thick carpet of weeds and vines . Three years passed and she is forgotten ; time passed and it continued until the dark woods swallowed her home and her garden . There is no presence of anything inhabitable as the woods reclaimed a part of itself that had once been infected but now healed . Ameggo , that charming child with the curly brown hair , stared up at Maeroleez and grinned . His master is happy and as long as his master is happy , he too is content . They entered a home in the middle of the dark woods and as soon as the door shut , he could feel a change in the atmosphere . Ameggo stopped talking of his adventures with his only friend Keera and watched silently at his owner . Maeroleez stood quiet by the door for a moment and when he turned around , Ameggo - frightened by the gleam in his eyes - backed into a corner of the house , crawling underneath the ragged quilted cover that he slept with . The man came swiftly and grabbed the child by the throat with one hand and held him up against the wall . The child struggled but he could not free himself from the tight grasp . He dared not try to claw his master 's hands if he valued his life . Those big amber brown eyes welled up with tears as Maeroleez tightened his grip around the child 's neck . Ameggo pleaded and begged but the man only lifted him higher , laughing , watching the child struggle to no avail . Ameggo watched as his master 's other hand balled into a fist and struck hard against his own left cheek . Pain swept through him and Maeroleez , watching him in pain , the big teardrops streaming down his face , only made his want to hurt the child increase . The man felt stronger , more powerful than the child who desperately tried to free himself from his owner 's clutches . He hit Ameggo again and again , each time , the child cried out in pain , satisfying the man 's twisted lust . He slammed the child into the far corner . Ameggo hit the wall with a thud , sliding down , hitting the wooden floor with another loud thud . He watched as the child whimpered and curled himself into a ball in that corner of the house ; soft choking sobs came as he walked towards the child . His hand touched Ameggo 's shoulder and the child jumped back afraid . In a pleasing voice , he coaxed the child into his arms . He gently rocked the patted the child 's head . " Hush now . " He whispered as Ameggo clutched tightly to him , still sobbing . " It hurts me so much more to hurt you . I have told you before not to destroy her things . Please listen dear Ameggo . Hurting you hurts me so much more and I don 't even want to hurt you to begin with . " He held the child and rocked him until he stopped sobbing . " You 'll behave this time , won 't you ? " Ameggo stared into thAmeggo smiled too and swallowed the last of his tears . He believed every word that was said to him . He forgot the pain and the hurt ; he traded the hatred for happiness as he followed Maeroleez into the kitchen . All the while , Maeroleez chattered in laughter and Ameggo laughed along too . Tenchi stared up into the blue sky . Nothing stirred . With a sigh , he dutifully tied his shoelaces . I can 't believe it 's been a whole year already , Tenchi thought to himself . I wonder how Ayeka is doing . Ayeka , princess of Jurai , had left earth in haste , vowing never to return . Tenchi didn 't understand why . The day before Ayeka abruptly left was a day Tenchi wouldn 't forget so easily . He remembered it as if it was only yesterday . Tenchi glanced up from his studies . " Oh , dad 's still at work and grandpa is at the shrine . Washu made Ryoko and Ryo - ohki take her to some science thing out in space . Kiyone and Mishoshi had something to do at headquarters . Sasami went to the store because we 're getting low on Miso and tempura batter . " His answer surprised her . " You have ? " Ayeka walked closer . She smiled and sat down beside him . " Will you tell me what you thought about us ? " " Tenchi ! " The happy , high pitched wail jolted him out of his day dream . Ryoko appeared beside him and he smiled . " Tenchi ! You forgot your lunch . I brought it for you . " She handed him the brown paper bag . " Thank you , Ryoko . " He finished tying his shoes and got up . " Have a good day , Ryoko , Don 't get into too much trouble . " She grinned . " Me ? Trouble ? Never ! " She laughed out and he smiled at her laughter . She had came a long way from being the most feared space pirate in the entire galaxy to being almost a decent member of society if not for her mischievous streaks of destruction at times . He thought about the several things he could 've forgotten that would 've made her sad . " Ah , I remember now . " He walked back over to Ryoko and pressed his lips against her cheek in a kiss . " I 'll be home soon . " Tenchi turned towards the fields and started walking . It had been an entire year since Ayeka left . Many things had changed in that time . He had married Ryoko . He spent the time walking to the fields thinking about Ayeka , thinking about their time alone together . Although he was married to Ryoko for about a week now , he had never spent time alone with her . Time alone was impossible in a house full of women from outer space who made things very interesting . Sasami was gone now . She followed Ayeka back to Jurai . Kiyone did all of the cooking as long as Ryoko helped to keep Mihoshi out of the kitchen . Things had returned back to normal since Ayeka and Sasami left , but there was always a part of the family missing without them here . A shadow fell over Tenchi and he looked up . A Jurai ship ! Smoke trailed from the ship as it whizzed through the atmosphere and crashed into the side of a mountain . Tenchi dropped everything and started running towards the crash . " I 'm sorry ! " Sasami cried out . She was clutching a bundle wrapped in cloth tightly to her chest . " I didn 't know what to do . You 're not my ship . " " I 'm your sister Ayeka 's ship , " came the reply . " It 's okay , princess Sasami . Princess Ayeka will be happy you 're safe . " Sasami turned and saw Tenchi on a monitor screen . He was calling for her . " Open the door , " she told the ship . With tears in her eyes , she ran towards the door . Tenchi spotted a blue haired girl running towards him , her pony tails flying behind her . " Sasami ! " Tenchi called out . He opened his arms and she fell into him sobbing . " What 's all this ruckus ? " Ryoko appeared beside Tenchi and saw the ruined ship . Then she glanced at him and saw him hugging Sasami . The little vein in her forehead started throb . Anger filled her , but she noticed something awkward about their hug . " What ' cha got there , Sasami ? " " Misses me ? " It was strange for anyone to miss her . Ryoko smiled that she might 've been missed by Sasami and gently pushed the crying girl away . " What do you have there , Sasami ? " " Huh ? " Sasami looked confused for a moment . Ryoko pointed to the thing she was holding and she looked down . " Oh , this . " Sasami lifted the cloth back to reveal a baby . " This is my baby brother , " she said cheerfully . He turned towards her . " If Ayeka is in trouble , we 're going to save her . " Ryoko frowned at his decision . " Take good care of their little brother . We 'll be back home with Ayeka soon . " " What do I do with … " Ryoko glanced at the smiling child . When she glanced up , the ship and both Tenchi and Sasami were already gone . " TENCHI ! " Ryoko grumbled all the way back to the house . The child laughed at her . " What are you laughing at , brat ? " she asked , picking him up by one leg and dangling him in the air . He laughed even more . " I can drop you , but then my Tenchi will be mad at me . " She sighed and threw the child into the air . She grabbed the cloth and spread it out under him , caught him , and wrapped him up again . He giggled and laughed at her . " You like that , huh ? " she asked with a softer smile . " I 'm not a good mother , " she whispered . Ryoko looked up to see Washu standing in the doorway waiting for her . " Eeek ! " She caught herself and clutched the bundle close to her . " Washu ! What are you doing here ? " Washu laughed . " I saw a ship enter our space on my radar , " she said . " It was a Juraian ship . Two aboard and two gone . I 'm suspecting one of ours has left and we have kept one of theirs . " " Sasami ? " Washu opened the bundle and saw the cute baby inside . " Little Tenchi ! " she exclaimed . She pulled the boy out of his bindings and cuddled him close . " You 're so cute ! " " Oh ? " Washu glanced from the child , then to Ryoko , and back to the child again . " I could 've sworn he has Tenchi 's smile . " " That 's what I thought , " Washu said as little Tenchi laughed . " You like that , don 't you . You like that mean space pirate Ryoko . " Little Tenchi laughed some more and Washu glanced over to a slouching Ryoko who suddenly stood straight . " Sasami gave him to you to watch , did she ? " " Nope . Little Tenchi is your responsibility . Now keep him clean and safe . " With that , Washu walked back into the house , leaving Ryoko standing on the porch holding on to little Tenchi . This is only part one . Here 's the summary : Tenchi and Ayeka finally express their feelings for one another and Ayeka becomes pregnant , but she doesn 't let Tenchi know . She runs off to Jurai and told him she was leaving forever . With Ayeka gone and never returning , Tenchi finally gives in to all of Ryoko 's seductions and marries her . Meanwhile , back on Jurai , Ayeka is kidnapped and Sasami escapes with the child . Returning to earth , she places the child in Ryoko 's safe keeping , telling Ryoko that it 's her brother instead of her nephew . Those were the instructions left to Sasami , that if anything had happened to Ayeka , that she 'd bring the child to Ryoko because all feared the great space pirate and her ship , Ryo - ohki . Sasami doesn 't know that the child belongs to Tenchi since the child was thought to have been conceived on Jurai . Tenchi insists on leaving with Sasami to help find Ayeka , ordering Ryoko against her will to take care of the child … 16 years later , Tenchi 's son looks exactly like Tenchi but with purple hair and Ayeka 's eyes . Ryoko 's not an idiot . I wonder what kind of mess Tenchi would come home to find . The day that my father died was also the day that I met my best friend Maleek . I wasn 't there at the place where they killed him . I was too busy getting into trouble , even when my father specifically told me to stay inside . I didn 't obey him . He wouldn 't have known and so I sneaked out of the apartment we shared and ran down to the market to buy some sweets . That was where I met Maleek . He was two years older than me , ten , and he had skin so black I thought it hurt to touch him . We had been running around for most of the day , two dirty kids laughing and playing in the middle of the market , as happy as we could 've been . There wasn 't much to be happy about it those days . I didn 't like the place my father and I had come to or the people here . I didn 't remember being happy much after we arrived here . My father , General Hamad Assain , divorced my mother when I was still a child . I remembered nothing of her , but I found a picture of a beautiful woman hidden in some of my mother 's belongings . She had dark hair and very pale skin . Her eyes were a soft green and she smiled . I have her eyes , the same shade of summer leaves on the sparse trees that grew around the apartment complex where we used to live . Years later , I heard rumors that told me a different story . The rumors said that my father didn 't really divorce my mother . My mother was said to have been having an affair with another man and when my father found out , he killed both her and the unborn baby brother or sister I could 've had which was in her belly at the time . I didn 't believe the stories told about my father . I didn 't know my mother , but I was sure she was a good woman . My father was always so king and so nice to me . He couldn 't have murdered my mother and the baby . He was a devout Muslim man who believed in doing good and in treating others with love and respect . We lived in the small apartment complex , which was a series of white boxes stacked one on top of the other , for the first few years of my life . We moved shortly before my seventh birthday because my father had a job that took him from place to place , and this time , he was to be gone for a very , very long period of time so he took me with him . He explained this new place to me before we left . It was a place filled with new things and new people - people so dark that at night , the only part of them that could be seen was the white of their eyes . I didn 't believe him . No person was ever that dark . But this was to be a world different from the one I knew while living in the tiny apartment complex . This was no longer Saudi Arabia , but Africa , and that was where we were going . Maleek pressed the button on his watch , covering the soft light of the indiglo with his whole hand cupped around the face of the watch . " It 's four - twenty and my turn to sleep , " he insisted . " You slept for four hours . " I groaned and swatted behind me , not hitting Maleek , but wishing that it was as easy to ignore him as crushing a pesky mosquito and not having to deal with the persistent buzzing in my ear . " Fine , fine , " I said as I forced myself to sit up . It was so dark that the only part of Maleek I saw was the white of his eyes . We stared at each other for a moment . " Go on then , " I said to him . " Sleep , sleep , so it will quickly be my turn again . " " In time , " Maleek said as he settled down beside me . He dug himself into the dry dirt and bent some tall grass to use as a pillow . He took off his watch and gave it to me . " Don 't lose it , " he warned me sternly . He did this every time he had to part with the watch . " My father gave it to me . If you lose it , I will kill you . " The threat was an idle one . Maleek didn 't have a father . He grew up on the streets of Umptin , a small poor city in Sudan . He found the watch one day while digging through the trash bins , searching for something to eat . The wrist band was the only part that was broken so Maleek found some string and tied two ends to the face , creating a new band . " I hear you too loudly , " I said , hushing him with the last two words . " It 's safe , I promise . " I tied the watch tightly on to my wrist , making sure that it wouldn 't fal off , and then I turned to see Maleek staring at me . " What ? " I asked . " Didn 't you want to sleep ? " My cheeks reddened , but Maleek couldn 't see the color in the dark . I bit my lip and puffed out my chest . " A simple accident , " I told him . " I didn 't fall asleep after that . If I said I 'm up , I 'm up . " He only stared at me and it made me more nervous . " Don 't worry , " I said as I pushed his head towards the ground . " I am the brave son of a General . In my country , everyone will be glad to know that we are protecting them , us Generals . My people are not cowards . My father never ran away . I will never run away . And you will not have to fear - " " You speak too much , " Maleek said as he closed his eyes . I instantly stopped in mid - sentence . I did speak too much when I get nervous . " Do not fall asleep , Zahid , " Maleek repeated . " I have a very bad feeling about this . " " You can count on me , " I told him . Then I stared into the darkness where I thought he lay until I was sure that he was asleep . " Nothing to do now , " I whispered to myself . " It 's good there 's no lions around . " I shuddered at the thought of the wild beasts that could at any moment , rip to pieces two weak young boys in the middle of nowhere and no one would 've ever known we existed . I cast the thought out of my head and focused on the task at hand . I was going to keep us both safe , like my father would 've done if he was still here . Africa was much like Saudi Arabia in that sand and dirt was everywhere . It was much hotter in Sudan and since being here , I gained a darker skin color than what I 've been used to all my life . My father and I moved to a small city which wasn 't really a city at all . The roads were cracked and broken with deep gashes stretching far into the earth . Trash was piled up at every place imaginable and there was no room to step without having to step on some type of trash that was permanently stuck on the ground and could never be removed even if it was scrubbed by powerful machines . Vegetables were in short supply and most of them , wilted , nearing rotten by the time that it was carried home in plastic bags . Gangs of little kids shamelessly begged in the streets , picked pockets , and stole right from under noses and hands . I didn 't know that each dirty and raggedly dressed child was an orphan , a lone survivor who banded together with other unlucky souls to survive in their unkind world . I didn 't want to ever become like them . In fact , the city that we arrived in was a great big one with no unsupervised children running around , nice paved roads , restaurants to eat at , and beautiful homes and apartments . I thought we were going to stay there and I got very excited . Then my father took me to this dump of what was called a small city and I felt disappointed . I was unhappy to settle in such an unclean and unwell place . " A very important job is here , " my father said . " As long as it is here , then we shall be here too . " He patted me on the head and led me up a very blue staircase to a second story door . The white paint was chipped everywhere I looked and the door looked beaten in a few times with dents and a few splinters in the wood . Layers of yellow peeked out from behind the white paint . " We live here now , " I said to myself , feeling a sense of overwhelming hatred rising up for this place I had to live in . I didn 't understand why we couldn 't live somewhere else , somewhere cleaner . " But this is too much . No one can really live here . " My father opened the door with his key and turned the rattling loose knob . " Zahid , there is always hope in the midst of any bad thing . " He smiled at me and suddenly , I had to pee . I awoke to a tightening in my belly . I quickly glanced around to see if Maleek had seen me sleeping , but I heard the soft breathing and knew he had been asleep the whole time . " Lucky ! " I whispered to myself as I started to climb to my feet . Maleek would 've killed me if he knew ! The rumbling in my stomach started to ache and I pushed my stomach inward to help soothe some of the pain . " Oh , no , " I groaned . " I have to poop too . " I hurried past Maleek and farther up front , trying to count my steps so I could find my way back . I went fifty steps , and then decided to walk a little bit more to keep the smell away from Maleek who was still sleeping . In the middle of relieving myself , I heard laughter from somewhere behind me . I strained my ears to listen as much as I also strained to pass a big one . Was Maleek up and laughing at me ? Did he smell the stink ? I worried and tried to finish so I could go tell him how sorry I was for waking him up . I thought I was far away enough and without wind , there shouldn 't have been any smell . " What have we here ? " said the stranger . " A little piggy alone to be food for wolves . " There was much laughter after that and coming from more than one person . Wolves ? There are no wolves in Sudan . There were no wolves in Saudi Arabia too although I 've seen them in textbooks and on the internet . No internet in poor places like this one either . What was the voice talking about ? It was not deep enough to be a man . It sounded like a boy , just like me and Maleek . I listened more , hurridly wiping and not caring whether I got all the mess off of my skin or not . I couldn 't leave Maleek to himself . Why did he say he was alone ? He knew I was here too . Maybe he thought I had run off and left him . I told him I wouldn 't leave ! I was about to shout and say something when Maleek 's words brought me to a screeching halt . " You carry guns . " I didn 't know if he said it as an observation or as a warning to me . A gun was a dangerous weapon . My father had told me so . He said guns took many lives . I 've seen my father 's gun , but I had never been allowed to touch it . Maleek continued on talking , almost too loudly . " I am alone and there is no one with me . I cannot run away . I will do what you want me to . You go away . You run away . I will stay here . " His words seem to speak to me as well as to the people around him . Run away , he had said . He wanted me to run away ? I stayed low and crawled away from the stinking pile , away from Maleek . Before we rested , I saw a stretch of trees to the left , but that was behind of us . I didn 't know how many people were there with him , but if I could somehow crawl around them and make it to the trees , I would be safe . But the thought of a lion hiding in that brush or a snake or any other wild animal made me worry . I didn 't know what to do . I heard a loud thump and Maleek groaned , a fall in the tall grasses where we were sleeping . " Go away ! " Maleek screamed . He was definitely talking to me . I saw falshlights in the distance , but I jumped up and ran in the opposite direction , running and running as fast as I could . I heard someone order the others to look around and see if there was someone else there . I should 've ran away when Maleek first told me to . I looked behind to see multiple beams of light behind me . Luckily , they did not reach my small form . I have been lucky twice tonight . I didn 't know where to go or what to do except to run . It was foolish to run in a straight line so I turned left . I had no idea where left went , but it was better than all the people coming up behind me . Maybe they thought I kept straight or maybe they thought I went right . As I ran , the fear carried my tiny legs deep into the early dawn . My chest heaved and my stomach hurt . I didn 't have to poop more , but the lack of food made me nauseous and a little dizzy . I wanted to stop , to rest , but there was nowhere to be safe . As light streamed across the sky , I saw I was on an open plain and behind me , no one was coming up over the horizon . I slowed down enough to catch my breath , wheezing as my lungs tried to draw air past the confines of my chest . My leg muscles spasm and ached , paralyzing themselves in hurtful charley horses that made me wince in pain . I fell down and repeatedly massaged my calf muscles to stop them from locking up on me . " Maleek , " I whispered as tears threatened to squeeze out of my eyes . Where was my best friend now ? Had he survived ? What happened to him ? I pushed the though out of my head . What was I going to do without him ? I needed water and that was the first thing that Maleek and I had always looked for . We always tried to stay near water although sometimes , the animals stayed by water too . With Maleek , there were two sets of eyes to watch the land around us . If we saw a lion , we always walked really fast in the other direction . If it was a leopard or a cheetah , the same rules applied . In fact , we tried to stay away from all the big animals , harmful or not , We ate berries and whatever else we could find . We ate dirt at times to fill up our groaning bellies . We were so hungry at times that we took handfuls of brown grass and ate it like the animals did . Grass was better than nothing . I was eating grass now , chewing on long dried stems , trying to work the saliva in my mouth so I didn 't feel so thirsty . If i didn 't find water soon , I 'd be dehydrated even more so than I now and I might die out here . I shuddered at that thought . I didn 't want to die out here where the wild animals would fight each other to tear off pieces of meat from my carcass . What would happen if I died ? How would I ever know what happened to Maleek ? And what if he was looking for me right now ? I turned around , but no one was following me so I took my time , trying to see if there was anything in the distance ahead or anywhere . |
" No , Mr . A . Not as far as I know . " I went on , " In fact , I will venture to be unequivocal on this point . " I cleared my throat . " My cat does not fly . " " Well , cancel that then . No , don 't cancel that . Uhm … well , do whatever it is you do when I 'm not here . OK ? " I smiled . Iggy is new , an apprentice time traveller from the 21st century who is visiting Winterfell and Caledon and studying here for the summer . Yes , it 's January … well , it 's summer in his hometime . His sponsor with the Time Travellers Guild is a friend of Uncle Manuel back in Dankoville . Iggy arrived with a letter of introduction from my uncle . He 's picking up some spending money , tending bar at the pub . " There were a couple of times yesterday when it did seem like he was here one minute and gone the next , " Iggy said . " And maybe the other way around as well . It was busy here though , I didn 't have time to really notice . Did seem like he sort of vanished . " It was quiet in the pub , the weather had seen to that . More snow . It was still a quarter to noon , the lunch crowd hadn 't come in quite yet and while they might not add up to a crowd on a day like this , there would still be a few . I watched him play and then wander around the pub . When he came near I said hello but he paid me no mind and trotted past . I broke off a tiny bit of brisket and held it near the floor . After a moment of watching me , Ulysses approached and took the brisket . When he finished eating , he resumed his rounds . A few minutes later , I saw him run behind the bar and I got up and walked around it to offer him more brisket . But he wasn 't there . The only thing I could do was order another pint and monitor that cat . A few regulars and a few others had braved the weather and were now enjoying lunch . Iggy was handling the small group alone and seemed to be keeping up . At one point he seemed to disappear . I don 't mean that literally . I simply lost track of him . He 'd gone behind the bar and not come out , as before . I went behind the bar to look and again , no cat . I returned to my seat . Hmmm . I had not seen him fly nor had I seen him disappear . But something was definitely going on . Mr . Afterthought had been right , this was odd . Very odd . " Leave that , " I said . There was a small piece of brisket remaining . I cut it down further and took a piece . I walked around behind the bar as Iggy went about his work . After staring at the fireplace in the sitting room for a few minutes , Ulysses came back into the front room and started for the area behind the bar . I watched him approach me . I knelt down to offer him the brisket . I reached out . He saw the brisket in my hand and watched to see what I would do . When it was clear to him I was not about to move , he came toward me to take the brisket . I do mean that literally this time . He was there one moment but not the next . Iggy saw it too . We looked at each other . " Quickly , " I said and ran out the front door . " Charles , " Iggy said to the busboy as he tossed him his bar cloth , " you have the conn . " The door was open and I ran right in and stopped . No one was in presently . Then Iggy came running in and nearly crashed into me and did succeed in knocking over a vase of flowers - which fortunately he caught before it hit the floor . We looked at each other and grinned , sheepishly . The silliness of the moment caught us both and we laughed . Two grown men - one with a handful of brisket - running through the streets in the snow , no topcoats , and running full speed into a chess club , of all places , chasing after a disappearing flying cat . Well , here we were . Now what ? Our laughter died and we both stood there , neither knowing what our next move should be . ( A little chess club humor ; ) ) As I waxed on about the history of chess in the Whitfield family , Iggy took a seat and started playing a match by himself . We were both caught by surprise when Ulysses trotted in from the next room . He appeared a bit surprised as well . Ulysses sat and looked at me , then Iggy , then my hand . He came to me and took the brisket and ate it immediately . He looked at me , asking if there was more . " All gone , " I said as I reached to pet him . Ulysses rubbed his head against my hand , then turned and looked at Iggy again as if asking if he had any brisket . He walked back toward the next room . But he never made it . Poof . I sat down at the chessboard and resumed Iggy 's match . I should have asked him to send Charles over with a pint of stout . I lit a cigar and waited for Ulysses to reappear . This was one of those times that I wished I carried a timepiece . It might be helpful to determine whether Ulysses was making his appearances at the chess club at regular intervals . It might also help to know exactly how long he spends in the chess club on each visit and whether that interval coincides with the amount of time he is gone from the pub . Or does he have additional stops on his route ? And , even though both Iggy and I have seen Ulysses vanish right before our eyes , we must still eliminate any possible means the cat could use to cover the territory between the pub and the chess club . We can 't just assume he goes from pub to club in a snap . That may well be the case but still … we must prove it or at least disprove other methods . I began thinking about how to answer these questions . One person could be stationed at the pub with a timepiece and another at the chess club with same . Another could be stationed halfway down the street to see if Ulysess passes through on the way between the two . A fourth should be stationed in the tunnels below the street . Until I saw Ulysses vanish before me , I would have guessed the only recently - discovered Winterfell tunnels might come into play here . Now , I don 't think so but still , we must eliminate that possibility . A fifth person must be assigned to watch the skies … just in case we have a flying cat on our hands . A disappearing flying cat . A team of five people would be needed and I , of course , would oversee this entire operation , stationed … at the bar . Well , it is conveniently located . ( Mr . Afterthought was right again ! ) That makes six people - and the appropriate timing devices and photographic equipment - to record the comings and goings of a cat . Still , what choice do I have ? My cat is entering the chess club on a regular basis without so much as applying for membership . If I am going to put a stop to it - and I must for the sake of my neighbor - then I have to find out first , exactly what is causing this phenomenon . For a few years I ran a small town in the latter half of the 20th century . Up north . Nice little town square . A couple dozen shops , a few offices , a bunch of brownstone apartment buildings in two directions , woods to the north , a lake to the west . Fairport . Nice town . The port wasn 't much . Just a small dock . But it had been a local shipping center back in the day as Fairport was located at the confluence of the Deitide River and Fair Lake and there was access to the railroad . At the corner of Hamilton and Main , across from the Fairport Convention Center , was the local head shop . It was a gathering place for musicians , writers , artists and other creative types . A lot of younger people hung out there , as you might expect . When I was campaigning for Mayor , I had to give serious thought to whether to stop in and shake hands with the proprietor . I had to think about how it would look if an opponent or a newspaper columnist or some busy body made a big deal out of a candidate going into a head shop . I had to weigh that against the fact that this was a locally - owned business selling completely legal products and the owner was accepted by the business community and belonged to the Chamber of Commerce . And I had to consider its popularity too . I wondered what the balance was between the pro - head shop and anti - head shop vote . I also considered that my two opponents - who , unlike me , had lived in the town their entire lives - probably would never even consider going in there . " Well , they never do it , " he said . " And we 're eight points down with six weeks to go . We need better than a point a week . " " Do it again . Six weeks to Election Day - now they 're finally paying real attention . Get in there and talk to every one of them about something that matters to them . An issue , the town , their business , their family , whatever it is . Just let them know you 're a nice guy and you 're listening to what matters to them . And whatever thing they make their biggest point about , write it down in a notebook . Right there in front of them . People see a candidate writing down their complaint or their idea , they 're gonna vote for that candidate . Plus , you 'll have a new list of things to address in your appearances the rest of the way . " " If you 're the only one who goes in there , he 's going to tell all his friends . And they 're going to love you for recognizing them as part of the community . And if the others make a stink , the head shop people might rally behind you . " I did . There wasn 't any fallout . Nor did the Head Shop People get out the vote and lead me to a landslide win . There was no impact on the election at all . But other things happened in the campaign and it seemed the race was tightening . And when it was over , I had been elected . A couple weeks after I was sworn in as Mayor of Fairport , I walked into Gumbo 's Head Shop . I had been making it a point to stop into one local business every day to discuss what we were doing to address various issues . During the campaign , I thought it over first before coming in here and now as Mayor , I did ask myself the question again . But I didn 't have to think about it for more than ten seconds this time . It was the right thing to do . It was a legal business and I was treating it like any other . I expected this visit to be pretty much like at all the other shops . " What 's happenin ' Mr . Mayor ? " Seamus greeted me . He put down a box of Zig - Zag and came out from behind the counter to shake my hand . " Welcome back . Thanks for stopping by . What can I do for you today ? Maybe a nice pipe ? We have some on special , now check this out … " We walked behind the counter and into the stockroom , past Seamus ' office to the back door . He held the door as Jake the delivery man unloaded boxes from his truck . Seamus and I continued to talk about town business . I walked past him and down the alley . About halfway . Looked around . Checked the height of the fence and whether there were any open windows on the building next door . Seamus was about to put the joint to his lips as he heard me . He stopped and looked at me . Then he looked at the joint . " This stuff must be better than I thought , " he said . I laughed . Seamus took another puff . As he held it in , he spoke … in that gutteral way people do when they 're holding in a mouthful of pot smoke , " So let me get this straight . You 're saying the last time you smoked a jay was twenty years from now ? " He paused . " In the future ? " He continued to hold that puff while I responded . He smiled . " Yup , " he said . I would have had no reason to suspect Seamus was a Time Wizard but after he broached the subject , I could see where this conversation was going . " Well , Danko , what the heck are you doing here ? I just saw you not three weeks ago . You 're a cute little tyke , " he held his hand , palm down , about three feet off the ground . " Sure , sure . Whatever I can do . Come on in and make yourself at home , " he led me by the arm and we walked into the house . " You must be hungry , " he said . " No , sir , I just had a meal in town , " I answered . " Well , then let me fix you some lemonade or maybe a stiff drink after riding a bus all day , " said Manuel . " Two days , " I corrected . " Where the heck were you coming from ? ' he asked . " Kansas City , " I said . " Kansas City ? ! ! What the heck were you doing there ? You couldn 't get any closer ? " asked Manuel . I shook my head no . " Damn ! " he said . " Here we are , Danko . " Manuel placed a tray with a pitcher of lemonade , a bottle of vodka , a bowl of ice and two tall glasses on the old wooden table . I nodded my approval of the combination and he opened the vodka and poured a healthy shot into each glass . He added two ice cubes to each one and poured the lemonade . I told him I had come to this time to learn a bit about farm work . " I can only stay a week , so I 'll just get a taste of it , to give me an idea of the average worker 's day . " I didn 't tell him that I 'd be doing this same thing in a future time too nor anything else about my research including and especially ' why ' I needed to know this . Of course , he must have been curious but he knew not to ask . I couldn 't come back here and tell him what his life would be like in fifty years , that he would be retiring and turning the farm over to me and his son , not yet born . It wouldn 't be right . " I 'm glad I can be of help , " the young Manuel said after I 'd finished my explanation . " It can be my first project to file with the Guild . I was just accepted as a member . " " Yes , " I said , " I just read that in the paper . Congratulations . " In the Time Travellers Guild , not only is your official resume built on the timejumps you make but also on the help you give to other time travellers . " He 's pretty conservative about the use of time travel . Not like his father . Or your father , " Manuel said . He went on to explain that my grandfather felt that time travel should be used sparingly and only in cases of the utmost importance . This school of thought has always been part of the time travellers ' community though a small part . " He won 't hold it against you . Much , " said Manuel . We both laughed . " He respects people with differing opinions but he will not be shy about expressing his own , " Manuel said with a smile . Then Chester came in from the fields . Young , handsome , big smile . This was my uncle but he was only 19 now . " Howdy , Nephew , " Chester said in his booming voice , then turned to my grandmother , " They sure grow up fast , don 't they Ma ? " There were giggles all around . Finally , Grandfather came in through the back door . He had made his usual rounds of the fields at the end of the day and secured the barn . I could hear him joking with my aunts in the kitchen as he passed through . My grandfather was now just a few years older than me . Manuel introduced us . Grandfather shook my hand with both of his . " Welcome home , Danko , " he paused and I could see his emotions were on the verge of taking over . " Your parents just brought you here a few weeks ago , you were just a boy . They were so happy , " he held back the tears . I knew then that he knew , from his own time travels , of my parents ' fate . It appeared the others did not know . I gave Grandfather a hug . Well , I couldn 't argue with that . So I just smiled politely as Manuel tried to hide a snicker . The conversation moved on to my training and the things Grandfather and Manuel would be showing me . Then we discussed whether to let it be known that the source of the town 's name was in town . Chester suggested I continue to be Mitchell Whitfield and we just keep the whole thing quiet . But I want to stop by the Time Travellers Guild and once I do , the word will get out . " If there 's no getting around it , then we must hit it head on , " said Grandfather . " We will have an announcement , a ceremony , and a reception . Let the town celebrate its history . People could use a special occasion right now . " I nodded in agreement . Grandfather would make the arrangements in the morning . We joined the ladies inside and Grandfather filled them in about the festivities . Then he telephoned a friend at the Dankoville Morning News . As you know , dear reader , I have never revealed my method of travelling through time . I have confirmed that I have used some methods that others rely upon but this was more in the line of research on my part . Normally , I use a method that has been in my family for five generations . I have no desire to reveal that method . Now , myself , I am not a scientist , merely a time traveller . I know the technique to carry out the operation . Don 't ask me to explain how it works . My father was the scientist . I hate buses . I would have much preferred the train . Well , what I would REALLY prefer is direct delivery to the chosen point but , as I say , time travel is not an exact science . My back and legs are still stiff from that damn bus so pardon me for venting , I 'm a bit grumpy . The trip took a couple of days . One afternoon the bus pulled in to Dankoville . I walked into the park in the center of town and stood there for a few minutes , stretching the muscles a bit . You might be wondering about the name of the town . That 's a very long story . I don 't even know all of it yet . The thing that Robbie is looking into for me in the 26th century ? That may fill in some of the blanks . When I have it all , I will share it with you , I promise . In those days , the town was called , Turner . The Turner family had owned the town and everybody in it . They were a mining company that was working the mountains to the north . Anyone who fell from the grace of the Turners had no choice but to leave town . There was no work for them . The thing about that , it wasn 't easy to get here in those times but it was easier than getting back . So some people were stuck here with few ways to make a buck . A few people who lost their jobs with the Turner company took to farming the areas outside of town that had been recently abandoned by the Natives . These were squatters , just trying to get by on land that no one claimed ownership of and in a place where there was no one to file that claim with anyway . The land was dry , no one cared about it , no one of consequence that is . My father , Hudson Whitfield III , arrived here in the late 1850s and began working with the farmers . He was an organizer , a child of the 1930s . What he saw around him in that decade framed his view of life . As an adult , he went back to the 1930s and became enamored with and involved with the union movement of the time . It was with that background that my father came here on a time travel job to Turner . I don 't know the details of the job but it was likely a simple delivery . He stayed in town for a few days , possibly waiting for a meeting with his client or whomever his client sent him to see . Those farms out there were not doing well . The people who owned them were poor , their crops were small and their tools were simple . Their knowledge of the land and growing a crop and raising animals was limited . They were city people , working by trial and error . Under these conditions , errors were costly … in human terms . The people out there were hungry , illness was everywhere . These folks needed some help to make their farms thrive and grow . When we pulled up , a man dressed in his Sunday best opened the door of the carriage and welcomed my father as he stepped out . They shook hands , then my father turned around and grabbed me up and put me down on the street in front of him . The well - dressed man bent over , shook my little hand and said , " Welcome to our town , Master Whitfield . I am Mr . Davis . " That 's all I can actually remember , I was just four years old . Well … I do remember that Sally was a real fox but that is neither here nor there . As I say , I was only four . But here I am , stretching in a park in that same town , 97 years later . And 40 years older . Hmmm . Yes , I know that 's confusing . But I just told you one story I can 't fully explain so don 't get me going on that one now . The place was quiet . It was a weekday , late afternoon . A couple of men sat at the bar , locals for sure . A man sat alone , a couple tables away from me , I took him to be from out of town . Like me , I suppose , but this town had my name on it . I had a BLT with potato chips and a Coke . Typical American lunch of this time . The man at the other table was going for supper , meatloaf . Sally walked toward my table as I finished my sandwich and asked , " Can I get ya something a little stronger than Coke ? " Hmmm . " Yes , how about a beer ? " " Draft ? " she asked . " Yes , that would be just fine . " " And you , sir ? " she looked to the man at the other table . " Yes . Draft , " he said . I stared out the window at the main drag . It was quiet . A car would pass from time to time , a pedestrian or two . There were people in the ice cream shop across the way . " When 's the next bus to Whitfield Crossing ? " I asked Sally as she brought the beer to my table . " You want the number 7 bus , hon . Runs every half hour . Marty , do we have a bus schedule ? " she hollered at the man tending bar . " Oh I 've heard of you , " Sally smiled . " Don 't believe everything you hear , " I said with a laugh . " Oh , only good things , Mr . Whitfield , only good things , " She laughed . I did too . Mitchell Whitfield was the name my Uncle Chester came up with , to use whenever he had to admit to being a Whitfield in these parts but when he didn 't want to reveal his true identity or was simply trying to avoid a lengthy conversation . It worked too . No surprise that Crazy Chester would come up with something like that . The fact that Sally said she 'd heard the name here in 1960 , made me realize Uncle Chester had been using that trick for a long time . I wasn 't trying to avoid a lengthy conversation but I did want to hide my true identity … though just for the moment . If I gave my real first name and word got around that the fellow this town was named after was in town for the first time in nearly 100 years , the news would be all over town before I could even get myself to the family farm . I wanted to avoid that , mainly because no one in the family was expecting me to show up like this and I didn 't want to be made of in the bar and treated like a celebrity . I just wanted to finish my beer in peace and catch the next bus out of town . The Strange County Times was the type of paper that carried just the local news . The county legislature and town council business , the police blotter , the volunteer fire department log , Chamber of Commerce press releases , the lost and found and social announcements . I came across a short item from the local chapter of the Time Travellers Guild . Manuel Whitfield , the man I was here to see , my uncle who at this time was in his twenties , had been accepted as the chapter 's newest member . I folded the newspaper and walked over and returned it to the table by the door just as Sally was bringing the other man his meatloaf to go and one of the two local men at the bar burst into laughter as they continued to drink and talk . I walked up to the bar and handed my bill to the bartender , paid and went back to the table to leave a tip and get my suitcase . I said , " Thank you ! " as I stepped toward the front door . The bartender nodded and Sally shouted , " Come back again , soon , hon , " as she again disappeared into the kitchen . Outside , I walked down the street a bit . Still had about 10 minutes to kill before the next bus . I turned and walked back toward the bar . I saw the other customer from the nearby table come out the side door and walk over to a pickup truck that had a camper attached to it . I stopped . " Nice day , " I ventured . " Yes it is , " said the man , who looked to be about sixty or so . " Pretty good meatloaf in there , huh ? " I offered as I thought about asking this man which way he was headed and maybe hitch a ride . He opened the door of the camper , looked inside and said , " Okay , boy , " and a French poodle jumped out . The dog looked around for a moment and trotted toward a clump of bushes and some trees behind the tavern . The man half - leaned , half - sat in the back doorway of the truck , waiting for the dog . He reached into the pocket of his well - worn jacket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes . " Headed south by any chance ? " I asked . " No . Sorry . Headed west , " he said . " Ahhh , " I nodded and looked down the road in the direction the bus would be coming from . " Homecoming ? " the man asked . " Sort of , " I replied , then added , " It 's been a long trip . " The man nodded and lit a cigarette . " How far west , you headed ? " I asked , just making small talk . " All the way , " he answered . " Homecoming ? " I asked . " Oh … maybe . In a way , " the man replied with a slight smile . I looked at him . Was he also saying he is a writer and that he writes about his travels ? I wasn 't sure whether to inquire further so I kept quiet to see if he would offer anything else . " Good luck with your book , sir , " I said as I leaned over to pick up my bag . When I straightened up , I saw the man was staring at me . " I mean , your trip , sir . Good luck with your trip . " I turned and walked toward the bus stop . The bus pulled up , stopping just past the tavern . Two other people were waiting for it as well and I stood by as they boarded . I looked back and saw the camper pull out of the parking lot . I waved at it . The man didn 't see me . A while back Uncle Manuel sent word that the old Town Tavern was about to be put up for sale . I had just opened a pub in Winterfell but had just closed one on the SL Mainland . The idea of owning a pub near the family homestead sounded nice . My cousin Robbie handled the arrangements and hired the contractors to fix up the building . My sister Annie hired the managers and staff . I 'd coordinated with them from afar and I was most anxious to see the place . We were on the way to The Evergreen Pub in Dankoville . My pub , my town . Now , mind you , the town thing is a long and complicated story . We 'll get to that but not right now . Tonight , we 're keeping it simple . We 're celebrating beer ! The Evergreen Pub is hosting a little home - coming celebration for me along with a business coup : The Evergreen has negotiated a deal with The Pheasant 's Roost Tavern in Ravenbaile , Ireland to become the exclusive distributor of Pheasant 's Ale throughout the Greater Dankoville area . The managers at The Evergreen have done a great job though I will say that I did pull a few strings on this one , myself . Ever since I visited the Augurey Peak region and was introduced to Pheasant 's Ale … well , let 's just say I go out of my way to get back there whenever I can . And tonight , we will have one of the bartenders from The Pheasant 's Roost as our guest of honor . And just to have one more thing to celebrate , one of the managers had dubbed the event , " Oktoberfest Beer Tasting . " Although celebrating Oktoberfest with Irish beer and Italian / American pizza did seem a bit suspect . But a party is a party , I guess . Annie was driving Uncle Manuel 's Desoto Firesweep . Uncle was in the back with Grace and I was riding shotgun . It 's not quite as impressive as it sounds . The car was built in 1957 but it is not 56 years old . It 's two years old . Uncle Manuel had it imported from the mid - 20th century . North on Route 131 , passing through the town of Strange - which is the smart thing to do in the town of Strange , pass through . Or so they say . Myself , I 've never had any trouble there . But I 've heard some stories about that town . Some mysterious stuff . Annie had been pointing out changes along the way as Manuel and Grace discussed local politics . Dankoville looked pretty much as I remembered it . A couple of new buildings mixed in with the old . " And here comes your office , " Annie said . " My office ? ! ! " " Yes , on the left . Let 's see if they put the sign up yet … oh yes ! Oh , that looks nice . You 'll be all set ! " I got a quick look as we passed the building . " A two - story building ? For me ? " I spoke quietly and hoped Uncle Manuel was too involved in talking with Grace to hear me . " When I said ' office , ' I meant one of the guest rooms at the house . Not even the whole room . I thought I 'd share with Robbie . All I wanted was a desk , " I said , trying to moderate the sound of protest in my voice . But Annie kept right on selling , " Oh Danko , we 're full up at the house now . And you need to be in town to conduct business and network and be seen and get a feel for what 's going on in the community . " I wasn 't going to argue with her in front of Uncle Manuel and Grace - and maybe she was right , I hadn 't thought about it . Why would I ? This trip was supposed to be about Manuel passing the operation of Whitfield Farms down to his son , Robertson . I just came to find out what the details were and to see how I could help and , of course , to sign the documents . I didn 't know I 'd be appointed president of the company . So how could I know I would need a proper office . As a matter of fact , how could Annie know ? ! ! As it dawned on me , I shot her a look . It was involuntary . I think my mouth dropped open . Annie glanced at me quickly and looked back at the road and bit her lip . We said nothing . All of a sudden the conversation in the back seat stopped as well . There was an awkward silence until Grace said , " Danko , look at the business you 're doing tonight ! The parking lot is full ! Annie dear , take a right on Whitfield Street and park behind the gallery . " As we got out of the car and gathered ourselves up and began to walk back to the pub , Annie was avoiding my eyes . Well , okay . So she knew before I did . And she acted on it . What else would I expect her to do ? Why am I angry ? Wait , I 'm not angry , just surprised , just thrown off by the whole turn of events . There 's nothing actually wrong here … it 's just the shock of it all . As we walked down the street with the others behind us , I reached over and put my arm around my sister and gave her a walking hug . " I could see furniture , a waiting area there , I guess … in my office … looked very nice , " I said , trying to ease the tension . " Oh , I do hope you like it , " Annie said , sounding relieved . " If you don 't like the color scheme we can exchange it all . " " Oh no , I 'm sure it 'll be fine , Annie . " " There 's a display area on the ground floor too , " she went on , " for you to promote your writing as well as the farm . The top floor will be your office . It 's a marvelous space . Great view . You can see the mountains . " She was still selling me , still a bit worried . " It sounds perfect , " I was trying to reassure her and myself at the same time . " I 'll go in Monday and have a look at the place . Maybe even get started a little . " " Your assistant will be there at 9 a . m . " Annie responded . I blinked . Annie continued , " She 's a temp . I have two interviews set up for you on Monday afternoon with candidates for the permanent job and one more on Tuesday . " I smiled . " Great . Thanks . " Nuff said . Anyway , we 'd arrived at the party . " Here 's the man ! Danko ! ! " shouted one of the patrons at the bar as we entered The Evergreen Pub . There were a few cheers , a smattering of applause and shouts of " Hello Danko ! " and " Greetings , Ambassador " and " Welcome home ! " I shook some hands and received a few pats on the back and accepted the well - wishes as I worked my way over to a table that had been reserved for us . But Uncle Manuel was the center of attention , of course . He 's one of the most popular and respected citizens of Strange County . I had passed through the gauntlet of greetings quickly but the crowd would not allow Uncle to do the same . Everyone came closer to say hello or shake his hand or slap his back and engage in a little good - natured ribbing . It seemed the whole town had seen or heard about the old guy climbing up on the farm vehicles over the protests of Annie , Grace and the forewoman . " Manuel , " an older man hollered as he looked out the window , squinting at the parking lot and the street , " where did you park your tractor ? " Guffaws all around the pub . " You can 't be pulling your nephew into town on a haywagon , Manuel . The man 's an Ambassador for cryin ' out loud , " said another man , to more raucous laughter . Uncle Manuel laughed along and bantered back and shook the men 's hands and hugged all the ladies . I watched in admiration as he worked the room and brought a smile to each face . " Don 't be too hard on your sister , " he said softly . " She 's been a big help to me . I talked to her about the future of the farm over the past few months . Annalee listened . She 's a very good listener . And she gave me her opinion too . She 's not shy , you know ? " We both chuckled at that . Manuel went on , " Good head on her shoulders . She 's a smart girl . " " She 's a smart woman , Uncle , " I corrected him . " " Yes , " he agreed , " a smart woman . " He sipped his beer and then almost blurted out , " I don 't want to retire but I realize it 's time . It 's been a lot to handle . And then to figure out the best way for the farm to go on without me . " " Oh Uncle , you 'll still be part of it , " I said , " Just as you asked our advice , we will surely be asking yours . " " Yes , " he said , " I know . But it will just be advice now . I won 't decide anymore . You boys will decide . I 'm ready for that . Didn 't think I would be but I am . " " As I say , I will just be offering advice from now on . You and Robbie will have to figure it all out . With help from Levon when you need it but as he won 't be here , it 's up to you and Robbie . And Robbie will be travelling a lot . So it 'll mostly be you . And you won 't always be here . And then what ? " Uncle Manuel looked at me as if he was expecting an answer . He wasn 't . " Well , you will be here , Uncle - , " I started . He cut me off , " I will only be offering advice . " I didn 't know what to say or what he expected me to say . The ladies returned with the pizza and Grace took my seat as I had hers . " I 'm getting another beer . Danko ? " Annie asked . " Yes , thanks ! " " I 'm good , " Uncle Manuel said . " Me too , " added Grace . As we watched Annie head for the bar , Uncle Manuel said , " And THAT is the last piece of the puzzle . " Puzzle ? I was certainly puzzled . Grace looked puzzled too . " This is just between us three for now , " Manuel said , " and Robbie . He knows . One month after you take over as president , you will announce that Annie is our new vice president . " The puzzled looks on our faces turned into smiles . It was a big moment in the family . Equal opportunity for women in running the farm was a concept that brought talk but no action from the Whitfield men over the generations . I was looking forward to the day my generation would have the authority to change that . And now , just as we were about to assume that authority , it was the old guard that came through on this issue . It was a moment to remember . Uncle Manuel made clear this was not a token appointment . He said Annie had the smarts and the drive and those talents should be put to good use . " Robbie is Vice President of Operations . Levon is Vice President of Administration . You 've got one month , Mr . President , to figure out what Annie can be Vice President of . " " Special Projects , " I said , without missing a beat . " Special Projects ! " Uncle Manuel repeated , smiling . Turning to Grace he said , " See , it is worth it to have a writer in the family after all . " We chuckled . Then Grace added , " She 'll be good at that . " " I know , that 's why I said it , " I smiled . " She 's a trouble - shooter , a problem - solver . " Manuel spoke again , " And Danko , I want you to groom her as your successor . " " Firing me already ? " I joked . " No , no , " he said , " It 's just I know you weren 't expecting this appointment . And I know how busy you are . If you could just give it say , five years - more if you want - but five years would be good … by that time , Annie will be ready . " " Sounds like a plan , " I said as I lifted my glass to toast the idea . We all sipped our beers , then Uncle Manuel , looking at Annie talking to some customers at the bar , said , " Yup , someday that girl will be the president of Whitfield Farms Corporation . " Grace and I stared at him . " That woman , I mean . " Smiles . The party continued , the place was packed . Jamie Wright , of The Pheasant 's Roost Tavern , was " guest bar - tending " for an hour , along with Dave , the regular Saturday night guy , who I 'd just met tonight . I didn 't get the whole story but apparently the owner of The Pheasant couldn 't get away so he raffled off the trip among his employees and Jamie had the winning ticket . I had met her a couple of times as she was working the bar at The Pheasant when I visited . Uncle Manuel stood and clapped his hands and asked everyone for their undivided attention , " All righty , folks . There is a little business to conduct here . Listen up , please . " It took a minute or so for the place to quiet down as the party had been going full - steam . " My nephew , Danko Whitfield , the Winterfell Ambassador , famous writer , time traveller , and the owner of this drinking establishment - " ( there were cheers for that last credit ) " - has an announcement to make but first , I have one of my own … " he continued , " That very same nephew will , in the next few days , add to that list of titles and become the new President of Whitfield Farms Corporation , replacing yours truly . " Someone shouted , " Hear , Hear ! ! " as the party atmosphere of the gathering turned serious suddenly with everyone applauding the announcement and offering congratulations . Uncle Manuel briefly thanked everyone for their business and friendship over the years and got a big laugh and some cheers when he added , " The rest of it , I 'll save for my retirement party . Danko , you have the floor , I 'm going to sit down , shut up and drink . " I introduced Jamie and made the formal announcement regarding Pheasant 's Ale . As the crowd applauded , Jamie and I toasted each other 's pub . Then I bought a round for the house and the partying resumed . At one point , I was standing at a table when a fresh tray of beer arrived . I took a stout and began to sip as my sister appeared next to me and selected a red ale . " Welcome home , Danko . Cheers . " We toasted and drank and I leaned over and said quietly , " I thought you were worried about Uncle Manuel , that maybe he wouldn 't give up the farm . Or that I 'd feel left out , without much say in the business . But that wasn 't it at all . You were worried about my reaction to being named president . " Annie nodded . " I know how busy you are , " she said quietly , " and I knew you hadn 't considered anything like this . " " That 's for sure , " I said . " But it 's a good plan , " she continued . " It wasn 't easy for him but he thought it all through . His health , the state of the business , the different talents each of you have . I didn 't expect him to do it this way , splitting up the responsibilities , but it makes a lot of sense . It 's too much for one person nowadays . He 's a very smart man . " I nodded , smiled , sipped my beer . " I 'll need your help too , Annie , " I said . She smiled . " Of course . Anything I can do , just ask . " " I 'll think of something , " I said smiling . Her smile continued but I detected a slightly puzzled look on her face now . It was funny but this was my first piece of business as the head of Whitfield Farms … to try and hire my sister . " So what are your plans now ? " I asked , purposely sounding brotherly rather than business - like though I was asking for both reasons . " No more touring , I hear ? " Annie , like everyone in the family , is an accomplished musician and the only one of us who pursued it as a career . She told me she was thinking about settling down and was looking at a couple of teaching positions in the Strange County school system . She was also considering teaching music privately , giving lessons on piano , guitar and flute . " You men still like all the travel but I 'm ready to give that up . I 've always enjoyed helping people grow their music . And coming back here to live won 't be so bad with you here often and Levon from time to time . As long as I can get news of the outside world , I 'll be all right , " she laughed . " Well , I must say , this trip has been one surprise after another . My little sister has had enough travel ? I never thought I 'd hear that one . Maybe when you got older , " I said . " But I am getting older , Danko . I 'm not as young as I used to be , " Annie offered . " You 're not old . You 're only 43 , " I said with a smile . " 40 ! " she corrected me immediately . It was another round of the family tradition of adding three years to everyone 's age , usually observed on birthdays . " Seriously , " I asked , " is everything all right ? " " Oh yes , " she said with great assurance in her voice , " I 'm really doing very well , brother . Don 't worry about me . " " Okay , " I said , " I won 't . But Annie , I am quite surprised . Is there something you 're not telling me ? " " Well , " she said , smiling in a way that made her look ten years younger , " there is a guy . " " Ohhhhh , " I said in a louder voice than I 'd been using , causing a couple of nearby heads to turn , I continued quietly , " Now we 've come to the real news ! Do tell … " " Not here , not now , " she said quietly . " You 'll meet him soon . " " Oh , you 're introducing him ? " I asked with a tone that implied this must be somebody special . " Yes . To you , " Annie said as she placed her forefinger in front of her lips . " Ahhh , " I said , getting the message . " No problem . " " Whitfield Crossing ! WHIT - FIELD CROS - SING ! " called the conductor . Just me and two others getting out here , the rest had one more stop to go . I put down my bags and hugged my sister . " Good trip ? " she asked , trying to gauge what kind of mood I was in , the way she does . " Was fine . Annie , I 'm here to help . " It had been three and a half years since I 'd been back to the farm . It was just before I came to Winterfell . I stopped in then to help Uncle Manuel with some farm business . Uncle had always consulted his brothers on important matters involving the family farm though he really wasn 't required to do so . He had run the day to day operation since his father died . Since my parents died he had included me , as the oldest , in the discussions about major decisions on the farm . On that last trip we hired a new foreman - forewoman , actually - to run the farm as Uncle Manuel 's doctor had told him it was time to slow down . But Uncle still ran the business side of it . Now that time was coming to an end as well . " It tires him out . It 's not good . Too much stress . His doctor says he still has several more good years ahead if he just takes it easy . " I nodded as Annie spoke . " He still gets up on the new tractor about every third week . He keeps up with the technology . He loves that tractor . It 's hard to get mad at him when he 's riding it , he 's having so much fun . " Annie shook her head and laughed . My cousin Robbie , Manuel 's son , had told me the same things Annie was saying now , so I came here knowing what to expect . What was about to happen was monumental in a family 's history . A farm was about to be transferred from one generation to the next . As we walked up to the door , Grace appeared . " Welcome home , Ambassador . " " Thank you , Grace . Nice to finally meet you . " We hugged . My Uncle had been widowed for some years and since my last visit , Grace had come into his life . She was younger by about fifteen years . She owns a farm supply store with her sister and lives nearby . Annie 's letters speak highly of her . " Oh , you know Manny , " she said smiling . I smiled too as no one calls him that . No one . I looked at Annie and she was smiling at my reaction . Grace continued , " He is all - business when it 's about the farm but he is his usual pleasant and helpful self otherwise . You 'd never know about the pain . But at the end of the day when he takes his shoes off and loosens his tie , he is completely exhausted . He is too tired for any fun . He really needs to have some good fun . " There was an awkward pause and then Annie started giggling . I smiled . Grace turned slightly red . " Oh ! You know what I mean ! He needs to get out of the house . Go places . Do something that 's not about business . Fun things . " She looked at us and smiled . " Oh , you two . " We all chuckled . " Welcome home , nephew ! " The baritone voice was thinner than when last I heard it but as warm as ever . A handshake then a hug and in a few moments we are sitting in the big old red chairs around the fireplace as cigars are lit and coffee is poured and Uncle Manuel is leading a lively conversation . We hopscotch from one topic to another : my trip , the train depot , corn prices , the weather , Grace 's apricot pie , the new tractor , and a local political scandal . Now it was time to talk about business . Farm business . The ladies excused themselves . I poured more coffee for the two of us as Uncle Manuel shared his thinking on the future operation of Whitfield Farms . His son , Robertson , would handle the agricultural decision - making and planning while my brother Levon would be responsible for the business end of things . I would take care of marketing and act as spokesman . " Robbie knows farming and the farm business , Levon knows how to run a business , and you are a leader , " Uncle Manuel said , " so you will replace me as president of the corporation . " This is one of those matters that doesn 't involve much discussion or negotiation . This is the family business and if you are asked to take on a role , you accept it . So I did , of course . But first I asked how Robbie felt about all this as I was concerned I was stepping on my cousins ' toes . Uncle Manuel explained that the international and inter - century nature of Whitfield Farms ' business requires Robertson to travel to other time periods often . He can 't be here enough to do the things the head of a company needs to do . When he is here , he 'll be busy working on our ag issues and strategy , not public relations . Made sense . So I will be needed here . Often . Uncle Manuel knows Winterfell is my home and that I have responsibilities there and elsewhere but he 's asking me to make a second home here . I have a new lady friend I have much enjoyed spending time with . We were introduced by a mutual friend who thought we would " fit . " It was the first time she had ever played matchmaker . How did she know ? And there have been several recent offers from people whom I don 't know well to get involved deeply in their projects . This has been both unexpected and most flattering . It makes one wonder exactly what he has done to inspire them to ask . I almost asked one of them but then decided it might not be something I want to know . What if the answer came back , " Oh , we asked so - and - so but he was too busy , so we 're asking you . " I have decided to accept one of these offers and am about to embark on a new journey which recalls a past life . Therefore , it is appealing on several levels . I am still learning about the project but it has the feel of a return to the second - half of the 20th century which is funny because I am already working on some personal projects in that same time period . |
Published on February 18 , 2017 by paulmiller742 Comments We 're pleased to have you for a visit , Mr . Landau . It 's not often we have a man of letters in these parts . I hear your stories are quite popular in some sets , though I 'm not much of a reader , I 'll admit . You look tired , though . I hope the train ride wasn 't too long ? Now , mind that step , bless you . These stairs are narrow and a mite crooked , but I 'm sure you 'll get the hang of them soon enough . Now , what is this ? I 'm sure I told that girl to sweep up here . Well , old houses , you know . Now , this is the garret , as you can see , but we 've given it a lovely sprucing up . You like the color ? Mother was worried that it was too green , but I said it made the place seem quite sunny , though I don 't suppose the rug goes very well now that I look at it . The windows stick now and again , if we 've had rain - which you know is often out in these parts - but if you give the casing a good whack , they 'll come open fine . This one has the best view . Oh dear , mind your head , Mr . Landau . It 'll take you a while to get accustomed to the ceilings , like as not . You are a tall one , I 'll say that , and willowy . See out there ? Isn 't that nice ? Just below is the lake , which I 'll grant you looks a bit bleak just now , but in a few weeks , it 'll be surrounded with flowers - purple and blue and little ones of yellow that you only see when you 're down walking through them . Now that , out there , is Grandy Mountain , which 'll wear that bonnet of snow all the year , even in July , when we 're all broiling like pigs over a spit down here . There 's paths up , but some safer than others , so you 'll need to ask around before you set off on any exploring . But then , I suppose you might not be the sporting type . Now , here I 've been gabbing away and not telling you where to put down your trunk . Oh , but then so you have and over there , too , in that spot . Oh dear . Well , I don 't see why not . I suppose if it crimps the edge of mother 's rug , we can somehow smooth it out . Maybe over the kettle . Oh and so you 're moving it , are you ? Well , it might be for the best . I 'd recommend putting it there , in the front gable . That way you can walk straight up to it as you need and not bump your head . Is it as heavy as all that , sir ? You do look a mite strained , Mr . Landau . In Dr . Dransfield 's letter , he said you were sick from exhaustion , so I imagine you 'll be needing plenty of rest . Well , as you can imagine , sir , we have a surplus of quiet out here in our little corner of the world . Mother has the preacher - and sometimes Anna , that is Ms . Galvistan - out for Sunday supper every week , but generally it 's just the two of us , so you shan 't have to worry about the noise of comings and goings . Now , I 've put this table here for your typewriter . It 's mother 's sewing table , but the contraption 's been on the fritz , so we sent it to London to have it looked at . It 's quite a sturdy little table , though not very big . You could open the top to make it a little bigger , but then there 'd be the hole and what good would that do you , I ask ? I 'd only request that you leave this bit of oil cloth in place , so as not to scratch the wood . Mother thinks it 's walnut and very fine , though I suspect it 's only the finish . Still , she 'd be so heart - broken if it were gauged by your typewriter . I will admit to knowing a little something about you besides that you 're a writer , Mr . Landau . A little something which has made mother and me very sympathetic to your plight . It was Mrs . Whitticombe , who does over our bonnets , who told us about it . She 's a terrible gossip and that son of hers , Jimmy - the one who up and went off to work in the theatre - well , he 's the one who told her . She says that Jimmy 's getting very important in London , but Mrs . Whitticombe likes to put on airs , so there 's no telling the truth of that . She tried to sell me feathers for my autumn bonnet once ; said they were ring tail pheasant , but I could tell she 'd marked plain ones in with paint . It didn 't look natural , at all . Still , out here in the provinces , when there is only one woman who 's any good with hats , you have to make do and put up with the prattle . Isn 't that right , Mr . Landau ? Well , I only wanted to say , mother and I are very sympathetic , dear man . I blessedly have never had the misfortune of falling in love - indeed , I think I 'm missing the part that fancies men very much . Not that I mean to say … Well , I mean , I think love is a rather foolish thing . That is all . I think people like you must take it all the harder , isn 't that right , Mr . Landau ? I mean , artist , they say , are quite sensitive people really . Mother says they take things harder than other folks . So , we 've made a pact - mother and I have - to be sure you 're not bothered by a soul while you 're up here . You shall have as much peace and quiet as you need and before you know it , sir , you 'll be right as rain . Now , enough of that , Mr . Landau . I can see you 're getting all the more strained by the minute . I know I shouldn 't have brought it up , but I just thought you 'd like to know you have our sympathies . It 's always the delicate ones who the girls throw over for men with charm and swagger . We 're terrible , fickle creatures , mother always says , and not to be trusted . Oh , dear , you have got a look about you , sir . Quite pale , you 've gotten . But to business , sir . I 've cleared out this wardrobe for your things . It smelled of mouse , I worried , so I hung some lavender in it . Then mother said gentlemen didn 't like to smell of sachets , so I had the girl take the lavender down and scrub it good with lemon oil . It turned out quite nice , if a bit pungent . I hope it 'll do . Oh , I see you 've found the bed . My goodness , you 're a quiet one , aren 't you ? Well , I had wanted to point out that mother volunteered her favorite coverlet because it 's so pretty , but she did ask that I show you the lace along the edge , so that you 'd be extra careful of it while you stayed . No , no , sir . Not that edge . It 's here , under your boot . Oh heavens , and it 's so delicate . I think it was rather extravagant of mother , poor dear . I don 't think you 'll be able to relax at all , knowing that lace will be ripped to shreds by the time your stay is over . I have a nice wool blanket , plain but sturdy , that I shall bring up before supper . Never fear , sir . We 'll have everything sorted soon enough . I did want to tell you about dinner , because mother is very strict about sitting down , only because she 's rather cross if the cabbage goes cold . When you hear the bell , it means five minutes until we sit down . If you prefer to take dinner in your room , you may let me know earlier in the day . I don 't suppose you 're much of an eater , but I hope our chilly air will enliven your stomach . Hot meals are the best way to keep the bones warm . Oh sir , I hate to see you getting up if you 're so tired . I told you I would tend to the coverlet later . You are a dear . Mother was given that coverlet by a very fine lady who stayed here many years ago . A shy enough creature , delicate like yourself , who cut her summer short quite out of the blue . She sent us a letter , weeks later along with the coverlet , apologizing for her hasty departure . I think she was the type who enjoys the city more than the countryside . It seemed her nerves only got worse the longer she stayed with us . Poor dear . Now , if you open the window today , Mr . Landau , it may get a bit chilly by sunset . The draft is the devil . Oh , my ! What a whack you 've got on you , but as I said , that is the only way to get it open . That is rather a lot to open it , dear sir . It may stick if you open it so far . I had wanted to have the girl take some beeswax along the case , but you know she said she needed to get home for supper and I thought perhaps that was a hint that she thought we ought to offer her some of ours and I hadn 't made very much that day . Well , and the girl is a rather large creature with a big appetite . I think her people are Welsh and you know how they eat , sir . Well , and so you 're putting your trunk on the sill . Sir , is that wise ? Well - oh my ! There it goes ! If I didn 't know better , Mr . Landau , I would have thought you sent that out on purpose . Mr . Landau , what in heavens name are you up to ? Do you need air ? My goodness , you 're far too long legged to try to fold yourself through that opening . My goodness , it 's like watching a spider coming out of the drain . Mr . Landau , have you quite lost your senses ? Oh ! What madness ! I hope he hasn 't fallen on mother 's hydrangea . She is terribly particular about them and they barely came back last year , what with all them mites and then the mildew . Mr . Landau ? Mr . Landau , what were you thinking ? Oh my , and now he 's up and over the hedge . How peculiar . Published on October 24 , 2016October 24 , 2016 by paulmiller74Leave a comment When I was a kid , I became enchanted with Cinderella stories , but my versions never had princesses . They had houses and they had witches . It was the house and the witch who would be transformed and made beautiful . Homes should always be sweet ; women should always be gorgeous . I must have thought this as a kid and clearly popular society is still largely convinced its true . My favorite place to draw was the dining room because there was no place else to spread out the typing paper I took from my mother 's desk and the assortment of random colored pencils that hadn 't gone missing yet . There were corner windows in that room , looking out over a pasture and a scrap of back yard . When the chickens were out , they littered the grass like folds of white towels - the crowns each a smear of blood . Sometimes when I looked up through the smudged glass I saw my mother coming back from the barn . Her plaid jacket was frayed at the cuffs and her hair was ruffled messily by the work . She always seemed tired . I would draw a house and a woman softly , the pencil whispering on the page and leaving only the vaguest impression . The woman would have worried bags under her eyes and a ragged gown . The house would have loose shudders and a shaggy lawn . It had to be drawn lightly so that I could cover it over with the magical transformation . I thought it was cheating to erase the lines , so instead I would add more pigment on top , burying the first and deliciously tragic version under the adorable cheer to follow . With bold strokes of my pencil the house would be reimagined with pristine woodwork and flowering shrubbery . Birds would appear in the formerly barren skies , a few limp letters 'm ' that are somehow sparrows or larks in flight . Even to grownups one never need explain that these are birds . With greater care still the burdened witch became a mighty queen , her eyes ringed with such lashes that the dimly drawn wrinkles were all but undetectable . With my pencil I sketched over her dismal schmatta , layering on top a diaphanous skirt with hundreds of folds . Messy hair vanished under a mantle of exuberant curls ; the bitter mouth fold budded into a hopeful rose . If I could find the crayon called peach , I 'd bring the blood to her cheeks . I made the messy and neglected into something ordered , manicured , and styled . If it failed to convince me , I added flowers and more eyelashes . I might have flourished in marketing . In truth I was playing at something adults rarely learn to examine , whether or not the picturesque is superior to the authentic . There is a reason that we have apps to place crowns of flowers on our Snapchat photos ; a glow to our Instagram selfie to blur away the pores ; the framework of Facebook to describe the perfect weekend , leaving out the parts where we quarreled over which credit cards to use . We are terrified of loose ends , of things and people gone ragged . Perhaps the animal in us knows how quickly we can be toppled , the way a rabbit knows that once the fox has them in its jaws , there are only seconds before the end . The blood widens a pink circle in the snow as the black eyes of the rabbit reflect a cloudless blue sky . Burying its nose in the warmth of the rabbits breast , the fox eats quickly amid the smell of iron and meat and frosty grasses . His breath rises up around them , a fog veil to soften the truth that this is how the circle goes unbroken . If we are to survive on the terms that make us human , cooperation within the growing village of humanity , without losing our grip on the one power that helps us maintain our place , a self - convincing sense of contentment , we must embroider reality , making over everything that we find dim with bright colors . If our grip on the story loosens and we are forced to see how quickly our shutters rot , perhaps the entire fabric of our narrative will spill out of control . Grass that needs our hands to chase away the chicory and pokeberry might return to wilderness . Published on May 19 , 2016May 20 , 2016 by paulmiller74Leave a comment My aunt Marla was not easy to like , but she was maybe the funnest person to watch in Wassavale County . There is something about people who have no filter that makes their every interaction a grenade with a loose pin . You know this could go south quick , but you can 't look away . Through knowing her , I learned the difference between nice and polite . Some people always say what the social contract assigns them , but they 're filled with poison inside . Marla didn 't really hate anyone , I discovered eventually , but she couldn 't help seeing folks exactly as they were . And saying things from that same place of truth . There was a lot that was unstable about my childhood , but the one thing I could count on was that when things got dicy at home , my aunt would swing by in her shiny blue Mustang and drive me away from everything hateful . One Memorial Day weekend when I was nine , an argument between my folks sent my Mom into a tizzy and she wound up going to stay with her folks for most of the day . She was going to leave us , she said , a threat she employed so often that my older sister , Hillary , never acted frightened of it anymore . Aunt Marla came as soon as my father called her , though doubtless she had her own holiday plans . Dad always said moss didn 't grow on Marla . Despite the opening day throng , she took us to the town pool - a treat for county kids - and pissed off an old friend of hers within the first half hour . Marla was rubbing on cocoanut oil . There were signs on the fence around the pool asking people not to use too much lotion ; this was her second replenishment . I thought it made her smell like a parfait from Tastee - Freez and it made me hungry all over again . I smiled nervously , aware that I had a smear of ketchup on my chin . As I dug around in Marla 's bag for a napkin , she arranged herself to bask in the sun . She turned to the woman in the big hat . My aunt 's power to unnerve was heightened by her perpetual accessory , slightly mirrored sunglasses , which hid her warm brown eyes while reflecting back at them their own growing anxiety . Staring down Marla was like looking into the thin , hardened face of a state trooper with the addition of a frazzled blond lion 's mane . " Yeah , Crystal . When I heard what that son of a bitch did to you , I thought , ' Well , she won 't show her face for a year . ' I mean , it was embarrassing to even hear about it . " I almost said the first thing to come to my mind , but I decided on another answer . " Well , I thought maybe you didn 't like her asking about you going to church . Mom hates it when people ask her when she 's coming back . " It wasn 't much of a defense , but we knew that no matter how much Mom may have disliked someone , she 'd never say anything to their face that would cause them a moment 's discomfort . She wasn 't like her sister - in - law at all . Neither was our Dad , who 'd suffer almost anything rather than cause someone else the smallest qualm of self - doubt . She told us this many times throughout my childhood in one way or another . The last time Marla said this was when she was driving Hillary to a fitting for her wedding dress . I was along for part of the way ; they were going to drop me off at a friend 's house in town . There had been a kerfuffle at the house that morning that left Mom refusing to go with my sister to the dress shop . The fitting appointment was a day after Mom 's birthday , but because her birthday fell on a Friday that year , she had lobbied to move the celebration to Saturday instead , which didn 't necessarily require the fitting to be cancelled , although Mom thought it should have been . She was sure that the dressmaker would take too long and they 'd be rushed to get ready for dinner . Looking back on it , there was no reasonable outcome that would have required anyone to change their plans . Still , by the end of the Saturday morning argument , Mom stormed into her bedroom , shrieking , " Happy fucking birthday to me . " Slam . " Of course she did , " Marla said . " You 'd be a wreck at a fitting . Up and down , trying too hard not to act bored . But you 've never had a poker face , Sonny . Besides , you gotta stand watch over crazy in case she tries to cut her wrists again . " Dad glanced through the car window at us , his lips drawn thin . Hillary was staring out through the windshield , her green eyes as cool and latently ferocious as the twin jade dragons at the Chinese restaurant in town . He tilted away to look at our low slung rancher , dully lit by the overcast day . " She 'll be alright , I think . " My sister and I were silent . It seemed each time it came up that one or the other of us would finally snap and say something to defend our mom . Yet despite the hurt Marla 's words caused , I think we each felt there was enough truth that anything we said would have been hollow loyalism . We didn 't know it that day , but Dad was working on an exit strategy . He was just waiting until my sister 's wedding was over . While she and her husband were in the Poconos , he served Mom with divorce papers and moved into an apartment in town . It wasn 't far from the pool and I would still have been going to the same high school in the fall , but I stayed with Mom . Marla 's jibs about my mother 's attempted suicides weren 't cut from whole cloth , and since the age of seven , I had lived with an underlying terror that I 'd be the one to find her dead . Dad understood all too well . And while I think he would have liked the company , he was probably relieved to know someone was taking up the watch in his absence . The weird thing was that the divorce went really smoothly . Mom even had moments when she was calm and insightful . " He did the right thing , " she said one day in the fall . We were bringing in firewood together . There was a lot one could say about Mom , but she never shied from work . She was carrying in twice as much as me . But as the days of winter grew shorter and colder , the all too familiar flatness settled on her . I knew the signs like the words of a song you hate , but can 't escape on the radio . She started taking less showers , forgetting to eat , and sleeping later into the morning . Each day when I left for school , my stomach was in knots , worrying about what I 'd find when I got home . By New Years , I wasn 't sleeping a whole night through . Marla looked a little worn to me that day as she paused out on the breezeway . Her tan was still fixed in place , thanks to a subscription she cherished deeply at a salon over in Bunkport , but her face looked leaner than ever . For the first time , I saw that , like the rest of us , she was getting older , too . " You think Corey needs your pity party ? Get the fuck up . We 're washing your sheets and we 're washing your hair . You smell like a whore with busted plumbing . " Over breakfast , Marla told my mom what she was going to do with the rest of her life . Or she told her what the next few weeks of it were going to look like . " You 're going to start seeing a therapist . I know a woman . She 's good . I 'll get you in quick . " " Your daughter didn 't run off . She left with her husband after a wedding that was two years in the planning . You 're an asshole if you feel abandoned by her . Hillary was old enough to start her own life . " Before she left , she made Mom agree to see a therapist . I watched my aunt drive down the driveway and wished desperately she 'd turn the car around , tell me to hop in . I would have loved to have gone to live with her , to sleep on her sofa , to keep my clothes in a bundle hidden behind the TV . I would never leave a dish unwashed , I 'd close the fridge without a sound . I would have made myself as quiet as a mouse , as small as a beetle , if it meant I could tuck away into her life instead of that one . As I turned back to the house , I saw Mom through the kitchen window , pouring herself a glass of juice . Maybe Marla 's advice would take hold . She could get some help , pull out of this . Winter would be over before we knew it . Marla was blunt and sharp , she held your feet to the fire . But you never felt guilty when she told you how things were . You simply knew she was illuminating the truth . Do with it what you would . Published on May 3 , 2016May 3 , 2016 by paulmiller74Leave a comment She wore a purple gown on her wedding day and he wore a red tie . In the only picture of them from the day , he towers over her with an arm slung around her shoulders . Neither of them are smiling into the camera , into eternity , but there is something friendly about his eyes . White daisies are blooming at her feet , but she carries no flowers . His shirt sleeves are rolled all the way up to his biceps . The arm hanging free at his side is a thing of beauty , long and golden and muscular . The hand is manly and finely formed . He is a handsome young farmer , cleaned up for a day , taking a wife . She has a creamy glow that makes her seem soft like a lover , but her eyes , thrown into shadow by a high Arkansas sun , hold something in them like flint . Published on June 5 , 2015April 30 , 2016 by paulmiller742 Comments When I was a little boy , my cousin Wendy worked at a place called Fox 's Diner . It was a narrow chrome caboose with rounded corners , the obligatory row of stools running along a Formica counter , and a greasy residue that had been lingering since the Eisenhower administration . Fox 's sold burgers and fries , but what they were known for - what you could smell on an overcast day as soon as you turned onto South Street - was the deep - fried donuts . These were old school donuts , from a time before what they call the food revolution . There were no layers of peanut butter , M & Ms , and bacon , because these soft pillows of happiness were good enough on their own . This was back before indulgent , fattening nibbles had become the weekend cocaine spree of hipsters , hipsters who trudge through a week of gym visits and sushi lunches to offset the damages . At least , one imagines they pay the piper for brunches of pimento cheese - laden burgers , mac - and - cheese curly fries , and pork - belly milkshakes . ( Just skimming online menus for Williamsburg hotspots . ) Wendy 's proximity to the best donuts in town seemed to have no effect on her trim waist , though in the self - deprecating mien of the women in my family , she was quick to point out how pear - shaped she was becoming . Back then , in the late 70s , everybody was talking about Thunder Thighs . If you had anything but bikini - hotdog legs , you suffered from Thunder Thighs . It sounds quite powerful , when you think about it . If she hadn 't been schooled in a certain countrified ( and awkward to behold ) modesty , she might have owned her curves in the modern way . I thought Wendy was beautiful . There was a sweetness to her blue eyes , and something like southern sunshine in her quick smile . She was a high - strung person who worried about imagined dreads . There was a kind of energy about her that , heightened by both inborn nerves and pot - induced paranoia , gave one a sense that something exciting was about to happen . One of her pet fears was that the world was going to end , based on radio broadcasts at the time from Christian Evangelicals . She would call up my mom for reassurances . My mother was a victim of her own peculiar anxieties , but she could employ logic handily to help others out . We always knew Wendy was on the line when Mom strung the cord through the kitchen to a stool under the pantry window , leaning her head against the cool glass while she repeated the familiar mantra , " Only God knows the hour , sweetheart . " There were old men who used to line up along the counter at Fox 's , knowing the only topping those doughnuts needed was the quicksilver flash of Wendy 's smile . And families that piled in along the wall , heavy in their winter coats , ordering a dozen at a time . They 'd eat them hot out of the bag on the drive home . And old ladies who came to sit in twos and threes of a morning , drinking Sanka - bad coffee and nibbling toward the hole in the center while they caught up on news together . Published on July 16 , 2014July 17 , 2014 by paulmiller74Leave a comment In the last year of his life , the boy tried again and again to put his parents back together again . It became his imperative , circling his thoughts before bed like a carousel and dropping into his mind the moment he woke to turn and turn through the day . Their separation was nothing new to him , but he worried that without him , his father would be lonely . " We ought to all go back to the beach together , " he said to his father one day . They were driving the river road to the grocery store in town . The floor of the forest to the left was littered red and brown ; on the right were openings in the thinning underbrush where the river shone , slipping along with a warm gold sparkle that belied her cold autumn underbelly . His father kept his eyes on the road , but his adams apple dipped and rose again as he swallowed . It took him a moment to say anything more . " Well , we 'll see . " His father had to hit the brakes because a deer had stepped into the road . She was a delicate thing and she looked up at them before she passed . When they started forward , his father changed the subject to something else , asked the boy to help him remember what they needed at the store . Shortly after that , when the autumn days had further shortened and after they 'd had one light sugary snow , he tried another way . Late one night after his father had gone to sleep , he flipped open the laptop on the table in the kitchen , entered the password , and began to compose a letter . It took him a while to get it right , but he was smiling as he did it , proud of his cunning . When he was done , he sent it to the printer in the basement office . He 'd picked a font that looked like cursive handwriting because it was pretty and seemed like something his mother might like . In the kitchen , he mixed a little mustard and water and dabbed it on the edge of the printed letter , but it wasn 't brown enough , so he added ground ginger from the spice rack . Then he added some paprika and it seemed right . With a basting brush , he yellowed the page , front and back , and then blotted it dry with a paper towel . He practiced his mother 's signature several times on a piece of paper he pulled from the printer and , when it was just right , he signed the mustard stained letter . He balled up the page and smoothed it again and then he folded it twice and tucked it in a book from the living room shelf . He left the book on the kitchen counter and went to bed satisfied with his work . The next morning , he felt heavy in his legs and arms . His mother would have reminded him that sleep was more important for him now than ever . Instead , his father studied him a while longer , his eyes slowly filling with tears . The boy felt the food in his mouth turn to tasteless mush . He frowned into the bowl in front of him . " You won 't even try to patch things up ! " he yelled , getting up from his chair . " It 's disgusting how lazy you both are about … . " He fumbled for the right word . " Love ! " His father smiled at him , " Your mother would never use a phrase like ' a deep well of misunderstanding ' . Nor would she have said she was sorry for meeting Johnny , because they love each other a lot . She knows I wouldn 't want her to feel bad about that . But I give you props for trying . " All of his steam was spent and the boy stood looking at the ground for only a moment more before he folded himself back in front of his cereal . They sat in silence for a while , the man tapping at the keys in front of him and the boy eating his breakfast . Outside , a fox wandered into the yard , sniffed the air , and vanished into the woods . Neither of them saw it , deep as they were in their own thoughts . He could talk about anything with his mother . She was an easy kind of person , with a quiet way of entering the room and dark , thoughtful eyes that turned green when she cried . They walked in the park near her house one Sunday just before Valentine 's Day , covered from top to bottom in big fluffy clothes to keep the cold off . Still , the northers coming over the lake set icy fingertips to their noses and to the cracks where sleeves met gloves . He stopped on the path with a snow covered fountain behind him . To his mother , the bowl of the fountain , split in two by the boy 's shoulders , looked like wide , immaculate wings . It took her breath from her . She almost felt like she 'd black out , but she took breaths , many of them , slow and steady . " Oh , honey , " she murmured . She knelt in front of him and pulled him around until the fountain bowl became itself again , the wings a vanished illusion . " You can 't ever use power like that over someone else . Your father and I would want anything for you , but not for you to think you could make other people do what they can 't to make you happy . That 's not what real happiness is about . I bet you know that . " He studied her a moment , his eyes black with thought . He nodded . After a moment they walked on through the grey morning . Slowly , he asked her a question she found it impossible to answer . He didn 't mean to be cruel ; like each of his parents , he wanted to know things better . If he were older , trained as they were in subtleties , he 'd work delicate , as if with a scalpel . But with the bluntness of children , he opened this line of thought with hatchet brutality . She walked on with no answer , holding his hand tight . Breathing . He looked out between their seats , at the changing landscape outside the car . Whenever they got close to the beach , he noticed how the trees all turned to pines , tall and slender , and how below them , the bushes were waxy and large , blooming purple and pink this time of the year . The mini mall near their place looked the same as ever when they got to town . Everything was painted dull shades of grey and tan here , but it never felt gloomy to him . His mother hadn 't seen the house in two summers . She stood beside the silk palm tree near the patio doors and shook her head . " I can 't believe I ever wanted one of these . " She smiled at him and then went to help put away the groceries with his father . He sat out on the patio and watched them through the glass until the sun shifted and all that he could see was himself , staring back from under the brim of a hat . His face was white and the eyes dark all around now . Sometimes he thought he looked like a Halloween mask more than an eleven year old boy . He turned his gaze to the other houses , all crowded so near each other one never saw the water until they walked down to where the grass met the sand . When the Millers arrived a couple days later , they changed the atmosphere of the street . The four older boys and the two girls , the round blond twins , were all equally vivacious in one way or another . Their father had a loud kind of voice and spoke in an accent his mother said was Bostonian . Mrs . Miller was from Kentucky . Everything hard about her husband 's way of talking was soft in hers , but she was as bold and brass as the rest of her brood . One could hear them the moment they rolled out of their SUV . The boy watched them all the time , catching these little moments that felt like the old days . How could they be so comfortable together , such natural friends , yet still not want to live together ? That day , as the Millers chattered their way across the path to their house , he said angrily , " We don 't need Johnny here . " There was no answering that , so he left them and went into the house . But the dim living room made him feel trapped and it made him feel sad . He descended the carpeted staircase slowly and left the house by the front door . Mrs . Miller had come back out with three of her boys to get more things out of the car . She was giving orders in that sweet , thick accent of hers . " Bryce , don 't scratch those skis . Your daddy will have a shit fit . Where 's my other pair of sunglasses ? They were on the dash and now they 're gone . Get that bottle under the seat . This car looks like white trash has been living in it . " " Oh , my lord , " she mouthed without thinking . Then she pulled her sunglasses down over her eyes , though they were tangled in her windswept blond hair . He 'd seen her eyes filling with tears before the dark lenses dropped over them . A kind smile bloomed on her tanned face . He knew she felt sorry for him , something his folks were careful not to show around him . It felt both a little nice and yet deeply sad . It was hard for him to smile back at her , though she was as bright and cheerful as a row of sunflowers preening in the light . He almost said it would be better if Johnny didn 't come , but he mumbled something else , something about looking forward to getting into the pool . It wasn 't fair to be mean about Johnny , and it wouldn 't have been loyal to do it in front of Mrs . Miller . She gave him another hug . " I don 't have to tell you to wear sun screen , " she said . Then she paused . Later that night , drinking wine with another mother , she 'd say , " Honey , I felt terrible . I only meant because of sunburn , but then I thought he probably thought I meant cancer . " Though they were sitting in her kitchen alone , all the kids down the street getting ice cream with their fathers , she whispered the last word the way her mother used to do the ' n ' word . When Johnny came , he brought with him his big spirit , his kind smile , his battered guitar . He played for everyone down by the fire , many nights , and he was as good with the kids as any of the fathers . He wove his usual spell and the boy found himself both comforted by the presence of the other man and saddened by his own words and thoughts against him in days before . The four of them made up a happy house for two weeks , everyone doing their best to get along . Even when the boy started to feel more and more exhausted from play , when it got to where he couldn 't stand the sun so much anymore , spirits remained cheerful in the tall , skinny house with the grey shingles all over . Everyone had agreed , ten months ago , when the final option fell through due to the rarity of his illness , to make it a year of happiness and harmony . One night in the orange light of the fire circle , he watched his father sitting just a little by himself , away from Johnny and from his mother , who sat so close to her husband she could feel the vibrations of the strings as he played . The couple was beautiful in that light , and brave and sad , too , all which the boy could see plainly , wizened by his own fate . His father was each of these things , too , but still the boy saw him as alone , unsheltered and a little forgotten , at least by his mother . For a moment he felt an old anger rise in him and the gaze he cast her was almost dark , but just as quickly it faded and things were as they had been a moment before . The two men and the woman , brave and golden and sad each , doing all they had in their power to do . There was just enough space between his father and his mother for him to sit and so he rose up slowly , his body heavy , heavy , and he filled the gap between them . Now the four of them made a row at the fireside , completed , with the ocean before them , dark and blue in the moonlight , brushing the sand , a soft percussion under Johnny 's cheerful strumming . |
The first thing I noticed when I pulled into the parking lot of our apartment was her fluffy , white robe sprawled out onto the slightly snow - covered grass . What stood out , even in the darkness with only the dim street lights illuminating it , was the blood . It reminded me of her innocence ; the dark blood stained the pure white of her robe . I prayed that it was just red wine or tomato soup , and in her haste , she threw out the soiled material . Maybe it belonged to someone else . I only faintly remembered that robe . It was the first winter that we were together . We had spent that last winter as neighbors without even knowing it . To think , we were strangers less than a year ago . I got up the nerve to approach the red - soaked robe . I bent down to get a better glimpse of it . It looked and smelled like blood . I was careful not to touch it . I ran into the apartment while making bargains with a God that I wasn 't even sure existed . I wasn 't taking any chances for the worst . The smell of her lingered through the house - spaghetti and meat balls , homemade chocolate chip cookies that she 'd made recently , and her sweet pea body spray were the smells of our home together . " Baby , are you home ? " I tried to sound casual . " Are you asleep already ? " I asked with all the hope I could muster . I burst into the room with my eyes squeezed shut , as if I could cast some spell to bring her into the room , safely asleep . I slowly opened the door to find an empty , unmade bed . I remembered why it was so untidy - no more like destroyed ! I woke her up to make love at seven in the morning because she looked so beautiful while she slept . I grabbed the blanket and held it , wishing it were her . Maybe she was at her parents ' house or out with her friends . I grabbed my phone and hit two on speed dial . I could faintly hear a ring coming from the bathroom . I slowly turned the knob , fearing that I 'd see her mangled body slumped over the tub . I only found her phone ringing serenely on the bathroom counter . I pressed end on my phone and dialed 911 " 911 , what 's your emergency ? " a cold voice answered . " I think something has happened to my girlfriend . Her bloody robe is in our front yard . Her phone is here , but she is missing , " I explained in between sobs . " What is your location ? " the cold , monotone voice inquired . " 508 Lincoln Boulevard , apartment A5 , " I answered . " I 'll send an officer , " she said almost reluctantly . " Thank you , " I said somewhat sarcastically . I sat in the yard staring at the robe . That 's when I noticed the flip flop that seemed familiar lying on the sidewalk . Why had she been outside in her robe and flip flops ? I gasped . " Ralph ! " I couldn 't believe it took me this long to remember that the damn dog was missing , too . She had probably taken him for a short walk . I looked up and noticed her car parked on the other side of the parking lot sitting right beside the dumpster . The pieces were coming one by one , leading me to believe more and more the worst possible scenario As I stood beside the robe , careful not to touch it in fear of tampering with evidence , I stared at her car and realized that would be a good thing to investigate . Just then , I saw the blue lights , and an officer stepped out of the cruiser . The last time I was in a scene like this , I was getting my first DUI , so I was still a little nervous around cops and those menacing blue lights . " Did you make the call about a missing woman , sir ? " he asked sternly , officially . " Yes , sir . This robe belongs to my girlfriend , and I have not seen her since I 've been home , " I stated . His eyes widened , and he pulled out a notepad and pen and began scribbling down notes . " Are you sure this belongs to her ? " he asked . I 'd only seen the robe a few times , but I remembered it now , just lying on the sofa a few days ago . " Yes , sir , " I answered nervously . " Do you live with her ? " the officer inquired . " Yes , we live right there in that apartment , A5 , " I answered , pointing to our apartment . " What is your girlfriend 's name ? " he asked , suddenly looking up at me . " Callista , or Callie Stokes , " I answered . " How old is Callie ? " he asked . " She is twenty - three years old , " I answered . " Describe her to me please , " the officer asked as he studied his notepad , quickly jotting down notes . " She has long blond hair , bright blue eyes , suntanned skin , and she is about one hundred and ten pounds . I think she 's around 5 ' 4 , " I described . " Okay , that just sounds like every man 's dream girl . Are you also going to tell me that her measurements are 36 - 24 - 36 ? " he asked . I shrugged my shoulders and blushed . She was every man 's dream girl , but she really was my girl . " Does she have any distinctive features ? " he asked , shaking his head . I thought about it for a moment . " She has a Marylin Monroe freckle on her face , four piercings in each ear , and a tattoo of the Aries sign on her left hip , " I described thoroughly . " Okay , that 's something I can use in the investigation . Now , tell me where you ' " Is there anything else that you would like to add that could help lead us to Callie ? " McAllister asked , attempting to wrap up the intense interview . " Yes , her car is still in the parking lot right beside the dumpster , " I said as I pointed toward the car . He squinted as he scribbled more notes in his notepad . " Also , her dog is missing and her flip flop is in the grass right beside the robe - just one flip flop , " I added . The officer nodded and wrote it down . Just then , two detectives arrived and began collecting the robe and the flip flop and put them in a scientific - looking plastic bag labeled " forensic evidence " . " So , from the evidence and the scene that we have before us , it is likely that Callie was walking her dog in her robe and flip flops . Someone could have grabbed her during the walk . Is her dog aggressive at all ? " Officer McAllister inquired . " No , he 's just a big teddy bear of a dog , " I said regretfully . " Was anything missing from the house ? " he questioned . " No , nothing was taken . It looks as though Callie could still be here , but she 's not . I 've checked every room , " I answered . I started shaking and choking back tears . I had to keep it together for Callie 's sake . " Hmmm , normally if someone is assaulted or killed at their residence by a stranger , it is a result of a robbery . Do you know if she was in contact with anyone this evening ? " McAllister speculated . " It 's a week - day , so she probably came straight home from school , grabbed a couple of beers and graded papers all evening by herself , " I answered confidently . " When did you last see Ms . Stokes ? " McAllister asked . " I kissed her goodbye this morning before she left for work , " I answered nostalgically . " What time did you go to work , Mr . England ? " McAllister questioned with an accusatory stare . " I work at one - thirty five days a week , " I answered , annoyed . McAllister quickly jotted down some notes then suddenly looked back at me . " Can you think of anyone who may have paid her a visit or whoI decided to try and get more sleep , as difficult as it was with my mind going in several different directions . I lay down with Ralph at the foot of our bed and stared at the ceiling . I couldn 't help but start mentally investigating Callie 's disappearance . What hadn 't I checked ? I checked her car , Travis 's apartment , the front and back yard , but Ralph was my only clue . I jumped up and ran into the living room and snatched up Callie 's phone . I pushed the call history button and noted that her friends Jamie and Miranda had called a half an hour before I arrived home . I definitely needed to tell the detective about that . I noticed an unfamiliar number on her received calls list . There was no name with it , and it was made almost an hour before I had arrived at the apartment . So , she answered the call from the mystery caller , but she had missed her best friends ' calls . I remembered that Callie kept an address book in her dresser . So , I dug it out and flipped through it . After reading through familiar names and numbers , I discovered that the mysterious number was there with a name beside it … John Chang . Who was John Chang , and why was he calling my girlfriend at ten o ' clock at night ? I decided that I would call him in a couple of hours when it was an almost decent time to call someone . I stared at the ceiling holding her phone in my hand with the address book open beside me . Could this be an old boyfriend ? Maybe it was a work colleague or wrong number ? I looked at it again . The call had lasted twenty minutes . I strained my brain trying to remember if Callie had mentioned a guy named Chang , but no one came to mind . I finally decided to try calling John Chang . I struggled to dial each digit , then I hung up . I was not prepared for this . What if she was seeing this man behind my back ? I had to find out in case he knew something that I didn 't . If she was cheating , would I even care what happened to her ? Yes , damn it , no matter what I wanted to know that she was alive and well . I dialed the number once more , and it began to ring . My heart began to pound with that first ring . Six more times it rang before it went to voice - mail . " This is John Chang , you know what to do , " said a deep voice with a southern accent . Strange , I thought Chang was an Asian name , but the voice did not sound like it came from an Asian man . I suppose that is being ethnocentric , but still . Chang , an Asian name , Chinese , I think . Then , a memory popped in my head . " Come over here , Jake , " Callie ordered flirtatiously . " Yes ma ' am , " I teased back . She began kissing my face and neck , and suddenly she started tickling me . I grabbed her and threw her on the couch and pinned her down so I could retaliate , but she started gasping for air and kicking me . It was the horrible fear in her eyes that stopped me . I stopped tickling her , but I stayed on top of her and threw my hands up . " I 'm sorry Callie , whatever I did ! Did I hurt you ? " I panicked . " No , you 're fine , it 's just that … ( she sighed and looked down averting her eyes from me ) I was reminded of a bad memory when you pinned me down . It has nothing to do with you , " she reassured me . I climbed off of her , and we both sat up on the couch . " What was it , the bad memory ? " I asked . " Well , the guy that I was engaged to during college was kind of abusive . I mean , he didn 't beat me or anything , but he was controlling , verbally abusive , and he shoved me down a couple of times during arguments . I still have nightmares about him , and I hate to say it , but every time that I see a muscular Chinese man , I get a chill up my spine because I think it might be him , " Callie revealed . I knew from that memory exactly who John Chang was . I wanted to know why the fuck he was calling my girlfriend the night she disappeared with her bloody robe still lying on the lawn , or really why was he calling her at all ? I looked through the rest of her call list , and there was a missed call from John on Monday and Tuesday . She hadn 't called him back , but I noticed that her text inbox and outbox were empty . Had they been texting and she just erased the messages ? No , why would she ever want to talk to that jerk again ? Had this been going on for awhile ? I couldn 't believe that she could keep any secrets from me . That 's what I loved about our relationship . We were brutally honest with each other about everything . Why would she hide her communication with her crazy ex all of the sudden ? I just needed to find this John guy to get some answers . I threw on a sweatshirt and my slippers and searched the living room for my keys . I grabbed them out of the pile of junk on the coffee table and bolted out of the parking lot with Callie 's address book open to the page with John Chang 's information . His street name was scribbled below his name , and I knew exactly where it was . I would knock on every door until I found him . What was I going to say ? " Hey , I 'm Jake , Callie 's boyfriend . So did you kill my girlfriend last night ? " It wouldn 't be easy , but I was going to find out the truth somehow . I pulled into the subdivision and quickly found the street . I drove into the culdesac and parked . I knocked on the first door , and an elderly woman answered the door . She said that she did not know a John Chang . I continued down the street knocking on each door that I came to . No one seemed to know who John Chang was . I guess he kept to himself - typical of a crazy abusive ex - girlfriend killer . I was about to give up when I saw a red Silverado truck pull into a driveway of a house that I had checked earlier , and no one had answered the door . I sank down in my seat and watched as short , muscular Asian man with short black hair climbed out of the truck . He was wearing tight Wrangler jeans , work boots , and a plain black t - shirt . He definitely looked like he went with the voice I 'd heard on his voice - mail . He walked with his southern swagger into his large two - story brick house . The yard looked professionally landscaped , and I could see a large crystal chandelier from the glass covered / gold embroidered front door . This guy had money . He could have easily paid someone to hide a body . I was still laying low in my car , probably looking pretty damned suspicious in this neighborhood . I inhaled and exhaled my fear slowly , and I opened my door . I rolled my shoulders and began walking up to the front door of the man who may have killed my Callie , or at least roughed her up during their relationship . I was going to have to be calm if I wanted answers . I rang the door bell , and this smug , southern - born Asian man opened the door . " Um , can I help you ? " he asked , annoyed . He had this evil in his eyes . Some people just exude goodness or evil through their eyes , and you just know it by looking at them . I lost it . " Are you John Chang ? " I asked , shaking . " Yeah , what is wrong with you ? " he asked . It was obvious that I hated this man I didn 't even know . " Where the fuck is my girlfriend ? " I shouted . " Who the fuck are you , and why would I know anything about your girlfriend ? " he asked as he stepped closer to me , sticking out his chest . He was a few inches shorter than I , but he made up for it in physique . He could probably take me in a fight , but I didn 't care . " Her name is Callie Stokes , and I believe you have a history with her , " I said as I glared at him with only two inches between us . He laughed . I shoved him . " Dude , you need to back off . I can 't fight you , " he said , but he looked like he wanted a fight . " Why are you laughing , man ? Do you know what happened to her ? " I asked , shaking furiously . " Callie and I have been talking . I called her a few weeks ago to see how she was . I think she misses me a little bit , and now I see why , " he said as he looked me up and down . " What have you done with her ? " I growled in his face . He pushed me back . " I haven 't seen her since we split . We just talked on the phone and on facebook chat . I wanted to meet up with her , but she said she didn 't know if it was a good idea , " he explained . " Not a good idea ? You abused her . You shouldn 't be talking to her or even thinking about her . She told me what you did , " I said , angry at both at them . " I didn 't do shit . She would scream and holler and push me . I had to restrai " Okay , that is definitely a lead . Next time , please call me or the department before you go interrogating people on your own . Do you have any other leads or possible suspects ? " " Yes , I do actually . Last night , I found Callie 's dog . He 's an inside dog , and Callie takes him for walks a couple of times a day . My neighbor , Travis , had him in his apartment . I went over there at about 4 am to ask him about his stalker , and there was Ralph in his apartment . I 'm not sure if or when he was planning on telling me that he found Ralph . Oh , and his stalker - he said there was a person peeking through his window , and Callie 's windshield was cracked recently . Also , some personal items were stolen from his car . He said the person peeking through his window had on a green hoodie . " " Okay , I 've got all this written down . I 'll question John Chang and Travis O ' Hare about what you 've told me . In the meantime , please just get some rest and come to me with any other leads or evidence . " McAllister hung up the phone , and I slumped down into the kitchen chair . I started thinking about responsibilities . My world stopped when I found Callie 's bloody robe . It was difficult to comprehend trying to go about life right now - dinner , taking care of Ralph , cleaning the apartment , going to work , or brushing my teeth right before I crawled into that huge , cold , empty bed . The thing is , Callie took care of most of the responsibilities . I went to work , and that was about it . She walked Ralph , cooked dinner , did the laundry , cleaned the apartment , and kept up with our finances . She was so smart and put - together . I have been in the recovery process since we met . I was addicted to opiates when we first met . I was a total mess , and she saved me with her tough love . She told me that she wouldn 't associate with me if I didn 't quit the pills . " Associate " was her word . I tried , but it 's not like someone can just stop an addiction all at once . She would find my pills and flush them down the toilet . My friends would come over " We didn 't ' fall asleep together ' , " I corrected . " He 's not someone to turn to right now , " McAllister warned . " What business of yours is it who I turn to right now ? " I demanded . McAllister shook his head . " All I 'm saying is that I need you to keep it together if you want to find Callie . I spoke with John Chang , " he revealed . " What did he say ? Do you think he had anything to do with it ? Do you know why he and Callie were talking ? " I asked all at once . " His alibi didn 't check out . So , I 'm going to try to get a search warrant . Something strange is definitely going on with that guy . " " What was his alibi ? " " He said that he was at a bar right after work the night Callie went missing . I went to that bar , and no one remembered him . I watched the surveillance camera just in case he just went unnoticed , but I never saw him enter the bar . Considering that he spoke with Callie on the telephone within an hour of her disappearance , he is definitely a suspect now . So , we 're going to try to get a search warrant for his house and car . " " Thank you , Officer McAllister . Please let me know as soon as you find anything . So , did Travis tell you anything useful ? " McAllister rolled his eyes . " That guy is trouble , but I don 't know that he 'd hurt anyone . I 'm definitely keeping my eye on him , though . Don 't let him steer you the wrong way . You need to keep your focus and be someone she 'll want to come home to . " " You 're right . I 'm sorry about that . Well , keep in touch if you hear anything . " " I will . Behave yourself , and I 'll be talking with you again soon . " I went back into the apartment and took a shower . I stood there and let the hot water envelope me in its warmth and cleanliness . I breathed in the steam , and I thought about praying . I just couldn 't , though . God never seemed to be there for me in the past , so why should he care now ? I got out , dried off , and threw on some boxers and a t - shirt of mine that Callie used to wear to bed sometimes . It still smelled like her . I sat on the bed and opened the dresser drawer . I sat there staring at the bottle of pills , thinking it would be nice to sleep again . I knew that Callie would be hurt if she saw me take them . Yet , if she never returned to me , what would be the point ? I put them in my hand and stared at them for a bit . I sighed , then I dumped out a couple and swallowed them . I at least chased them with water this time . I laid down on top of the blankets and stared at the ceiling , wondering if she 'd ever lie beside me again . Then my thoughts drifted to John Chang . That conceited son of a bitch might have been touching her behind my back . Worse than that , he might have killed her . Strangely , it wouldn 't be as bad if he just killed her than if he got her love first . I had always thought of her as innocent , a victim in a bad relationship that anyone could have ended up with . I didn 't want to think that she could touch someone else besides me . If he did touch her , I 'd kill him with my bare hands . I 'd strangle him and look into his eyes as I watched him die . Just one word from the police that there is evidence that John hurt Callie , and he would be a dead man at my hand . Chang was " legally a dangerous weapon " because of his martial arts training , so I 'd have to find him in the dead of night in the quiet darkness of his room while he lay unaware of my presence . I could softly walk into his room with a needle of sedative that I could get from Travis . Once he was barely conscious , I could put my hands around his neck and press down , watching as his breath and heart beat left him , and he lay limp under my haWait by the door and light a cigarette I knelt down by his bedside and carefully took out the needle and the tiny bottle . I prepared the sedative and looked up at this villain who stole my love away from me so discreetly and deceptively in the night like a stealthy tom cat using his nocturnal nature as his advantage . I was the stealthy tom cat now . I was the one using the darkness to commit my crime . I stared at him for a moment , and I felt a hatred for him that I had never felt for anyone before or after this moment . I studied him , trying to decide where it would be best to pierce his skin and thus steal away his power . I took notice of his neck . He had a slender yet strong neck . It would be an easy target , and I figured the medicine would go to his brain quicker through his neck than , say , the arm or the leg . I slowly , quietly reached his neck with the needle , and I pressed down . For a moment , I saw his eyes widen , and he grabbed my hand . He squeezed my wrist , crushing the bones beneath his fingers . I howled in pain , and then seconds later , his eyes closed and his grip relaxed . He dropped my hand , and I held my broken wrist in my other hand . I grunted from the pain , but I couldn 't stop now . I had to finish my act of revenge , with or without a right hand to assist me . I decided under the circumstances , that smothering him with a pillow might be the easiest way to enact the punishment . So , I reached over his head , grabbed the pillow beside him with my left hand , and placed it over his face . I pressed down , but it was difficult to press down hard enough with just one hand . So , I picked up my right arm and placed my right elbow onto the pillow . I held my breath to stop myself from screaming from the pain . I pressed onto the pillow with my hand and my elbow , and I suddenly felt him shake and struggle against my body as I lay across him . However , because of the sedative , his struggle was weak . After a short moment , I felt his body go limp beneath me . I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief . I gathered the needle and sedative and put them in my po " What are you saying , Travis ? " I asked calmly with fire burning through my eyes as I looked at him . " What did you do ? " He started fidgeting and moaning . " Answer me . I killed him tonight . Did you hear me ? I thought I was avenging my girlfriend 's death . Tell me I didn 't kill him without a reason , " Travis put his hands on his head and began rocking back and forth . I approached him and whispered to him . " Travis , I need you to be honest with me right now . If you love me as a friend , you need to tell me the truth , " I said soothingly . " I stopped her . I stopped her from making a fool out of you . I watched him leave , and I saw her come out of there wearing nothing but a bath robe walking Ralph around the yard . She had this stupid smile on her face like she 'd just had a wonderful time . I was outside smoking a cigarette , and I hid in the shadows in the corner between our apartments . I tried to catch a glimpse of guilt in her eyes , but it wasn 't there . Under that robe , it was just Callie , naked , covered in his smell , spit , and fluids . It was disgusting . I have never felt a hatred like that in my life before or after that moment . I felt in my pocket for my knife . You see , ever since that person started stalking me , I have been carrying a knife for protection . I approached her , and I said hello . She asked me why I was talking to her . I mean , she stole my best friend , and she can 't even be polite to me as a neighbor . So , with a stealth quickness I grabbed her neck and stabbed her several times in complete madness until she collapsed in my arms . I fell onto the ground holding her , and it began to snow . These giant snow flakes began falling on us , and for a moment , it was beautiful . I slipped off the robe , and I took her limp , naked body into my car . I took her away where no one could find her , and I got some clothes from the trunk of my car and changed in the alley . No , not an alley near her , somewhere else . I stopped at the store and got some booze and more cigarettes , and I drove back to the apartmeI sat in total shock as he confessed his devious crime of hate , just trying to absorb the truth of it all . I had killed because of her . He had killed because of her . Yet , I did not blame her or hate her . I didn 't know whether or not I truly regretted killing John Chang , since he did make love to and abuse my girl . Rubber gloves . I suddenly realized that I did not wear them when I murdered John Chang . The dirt on his carpet - it was probably from my shoes . There was no dirt anywhere else in his perfectly vacuumed and dusted house . Those were merely passing thoughts as I stared at Travis , trying to figure out what to do or what to think . " Where is she ? " I asked as my eyes teared up . " I can 't tell you that , " Travis answered . " WHERE IS SHE ? " I shouted . He shook his head . I took out the flathead screw - driver with my left hand , jumped on him , and brandished it over his throat . " Tell me now , " I demanded . " I can 't do that . If you kill me , you 'll never know , " Travis said in a shakey voice . " You know what , it doesn 't even matter . Either way she is gone , and either way you took her from me , " I said through sobs . " She was never yours anyway . She fixed you into what she thought you should be , and then she became bored with you . That 's what she does . She liked Chang because he was messed up . She thought she could change him into a better person . She had to be stopped so that you could go back to living your life as yourself , " Travis reasoned . " You killed my girl , my reason for living and breathing and enduring this stupid world , " I shouted as I plunged the screw - driver into his throat . Blood spurted out of his jugular as I stabbed and stabbed down as deep and hard as I could . His eyes continued to stare at me as I cried on my best friend 's shoulder . Leave a Comment October 19 , 2012 Filed under : horror , story - desi83 @ 8 : 22 am I 'm not a hundred percent sure about the title and won 't be until it is finished . This is a revival of a story that I partially posted like six months ago . I dug out the notebook where I first wrote it , so I 'm typing it out now , editing it , and even changing the ending . Anyway , if you like horror or just descriptive writing , have fun . It is long for a blog post , and this is not all of it , so pop some popcorn and get comfortable . I am going to finish typing out this story by the weekend 's end . The first thing I noticed when I pulled into the parking lot of our apartment was her fluffy , white robe sprawled out onto the grass . What stood out , even in the darkness with only the dim street lights illuminating it , was the blood . It reminded me of her innocence ; the dark blood stained the pure white of her robe . Iprayed that it was just red wine or tomato soup , and in her haste , she threw out the soiled material . Maybe it belonged to someone else . I only faintly remembered that robe . It was the first winter that we were together . We had spent that last winter as neighbors without even knowing it . To think , we were strangers less than a year ago . I got up the nerve to approach the red - soaked robe . I bent down to get a better glimpse of it . It looked and smelled like blood . I was careful not to touch it . I ran into the apartment while making bargains with a God that I wasn 't even sure existed . I wasn 't taking any chances for the worst . The smell of her lingered through the house - spaghetti and meat balls , homemade chocolate chip cookies that she 'd made recently , and her sweet pea body spray were the smells of our home together . " Baby , are you home ? " I tried to sound casual . " Are you asleep already ? " I asked with all the hope I could muster . I burst into the room with my eyes squeezed shut , as if I could cast some spell to bring her into the room , safely asleep . I slowly opened the door to find an empty , unmade bed . I remembered why it was so untidy - no more like destroyed ! I woke her up to make love at seven in the morning because she looked so beautiful while she slept . I grabbed the blanket and held it , wishing it were her . Maybe she was at her parents ' house or out with her friends . I grabbed my phone and hit two on speed dial . I could faintly hear a ring coming from the bathroom . I slowly turned the knob , fearing that I 'd see her mangled body slumped over the tub . I only found her phone ringing serenely on the bathroom counter . I pressed end on my phone and dialed 911 . My heart knew that sh " 911 , what 's your emergency ? " a cold voice answered . " I think something has happened to my girlfriend . Her bloody robe is in our front yard . Her phone is here , but she is missing , " I explained in between sobs . " What is your location ? " the cold , monotone voice inquired . " 508 Lincoln Boulevard , apartment A5 , " I answered . " I 'll send an officer , " she said almost reluctantly . " Thank you , " I said somewhat sarcastically . I sat in the yard staring at the robe . That 's when I noticed the flip flop that seemed familiar lying on the sidewalk . Why had she been outside in her robe and flip flops ? I gasped . " Ralph ! " I couldn 't believe it took me this long to remember that the damn dog was missing , too . She had probably taken him for a short walk . I looked up and noticed her car parked on the other side of the parking lot sitting right beside the dumpster . The pieces were coming one by one , leading me to believe more and more the worst possible scenario As I stood beside the robe , careful not to touch it in fear of tampering with evidence , I stared at her car and realized that would be a good thing to investigate . Just then , I saw the blue lights , and an officer stepped out of the cruiser . The last time I was in a scene like this , I was getting my first DUI , so I was still a little nervous around cops and those menacing blue lights . " Did you make the call about a missing woman , sir ? " he asked sternly , officially . " Yes , sir . This robe belongs to my girlfriend , and I have not seen her since I 've been home , " I stated . His eyes widened , and he pulled out a notepad and pen and began scribbling down notes . " Are you sure this belongs to her ? " he asked . I 'd only seen the robe a few times , but I remembered it now , just lying on the sofa a few days ago . " Yes , sir , " I answered nervously . " Do you live with her ? " the officer inquired . " Yes , we live right there in that apartment , A5 , " I answered , pointing to our apartment . " What is your girlfriend 's name ? " he asked , suddenly looking up at me . " Callista , or Callie Stokes , " I answered . " How old is Callie ? " he asked . " She is twenty - three years old , " I answered . " Describe her to me please , " the officer asked as he studied his notepad , quickly jotting down notes . " She has long blond hair , bright blue eyes , suntanned skin , and she is about one hundred and ten pounds . I think she 's around 5 ' 4 , " I described . " Okay , that just sounds like every man 's dream girl . Are you also going to tell me that her measurements are 36 - 24 - 36 ? " he asked . I shrugged my shoulders and blushed . She was every man 's dream girl , but she really was my girl . " Does she have any distinctive features ? " he asked , shaking his head . I thought about it for a moment . " She has a Marylin Monroe freckle on her face , four piercings in each ear , and a tattoo of the Aries sign on her left hip , " I described thoroughly . " Okay , that 's something I can use in the investigation . Now , tell me where you ' " Is there anything else that you would like to add that could help lead us to Callie ? " McAllister asked , attempting to wrap up the intense interview . " Yes , her car is still in the parking lot right beside the dumpster , " I said as I pointed toward the car . He squinted as he scribbled more notes in his notepad . " Also , her dog is missing and her flip flop is in the grass right beside the robe - just one flip flop , " I added . The officer nodded and wrote it down . Just then , two detectives arrived and began collecting the robe and the flip flop and put them in a scientific - looking plastic bag labeled " forensic evidence " . " So , from the evidence and the scene that we have before us , it is likely that Callie was walking her dog in her robe and flip flops . Someone could have grabbed her during the walk . Is her dog aggressive at all ? " Officer McAllister inquired . " No , he 's just a big teddy bear of a dog , " I said regretfully . " Was anything missing from the house ? " he questioned . " No , nothing was taken . It looks as though Callie could still be here , but she 's not . I 've checked every room , " I answered . I started shaking and choking back tears . I had to keep it together for Callie 's sake . " Hmmm , normally if someone is assaulted or killed at their residence by a stranger , it is a result of a robbery . Do you know if she was in contact with anyone this evening ? " McAllister speculated . " It 's a week - day , so she probably came straight home from school , grabbed a couple of beers and graded papers all evening by herself , " I answered confidently . " When did you last see Ms . Stokes ? " McAllister asked . " I kissed her goodbye this morning before she left for work , " I answered nostalgically . " What time did you go to work , Mr . England ? " McAllister questioned with an accusatory stare . " I work at one - thirty five days a week , " I answered , annoyed . McAllister quickly jotted down some notes then suddenly looked back at me . " Can you think of anyone who may have paid her a visit or whoHorror Story Continued … I laid there for a moment , trying to bring myself back to reality . I didn 't feel like I was in my apartment on my couch ; I felt like I was at the store hiding from those eyes . Milly was now sitting on the floor staring up at me with those eternally sad eyes . " Okay , I am at home on my couch , and no one is here besides my dogs . I am okay , and the ghost eyes are not real , " I said to myself . I had to laugh . Was I really scared of the store being haunted ? " Ms . Lisa , bad things have happened to people who 've worked third shift at the Greenville store . There are legends , you know , " Ms . Addy had warned me . Those words were burned into my memory , and no matter how cynical I was , I was going to go into work with that fear looming over me . I couldn 't let the fear consume me . So , I got up and put on some pink running shorts , a white tank top with a sports bra underneath , my moisture - wicking running socks , and my New Balance running shoes , and I headed out the door with Milo 's leash in my hand . He was a great running partner because he constantly pulled me further so that I had to run faster to catch up . For all the time I waste and bad habits that I indulge , running is the one thing that makes me feel like I have a purpose . Every time I run , I go as fast and as distant as my body will carry me . It is a never - ending journey for me , because I will always push myself harder and further on every run . I also feel closer to Milo on our runs , because I think he has the same mentality . We ran through the parking lot , around the track that surrounds the pond at my apartment complex , and onto the sidewalk that parallels the main street going by my apartment complex . I was hoping to hit five miles today with an increased time of 5 . 5 minutes per mile as compared to 6 minutes on our previous run . Milo was definitely up for the challenge . As I ran , I began to wonder if my life was ever going to mean more . If so , when ? What would it take ? I couldn 't be a retail manager forever , and I couldn 't stay in a dead - end relationship for the rest of my life . I wanted to do something that was meaningful . I thought of Greg , who worked as a gas station attendant with a Bachelor 's degree in Biology . He didn 't have a clue what he wanted to do with his degree . Most of his ideas required him to get a higher degree , and his gas station salary was not going to pay for his tuition . His parents had paid for his college tuition the first time around , but they had recently cut him off since he has been coasting on his tiny salary and their allowances that they still gave him as an adult . He had to move in with his sister , who is not exactly fond of me for whatever reason . I wondered if Greg was ever going to wake up and take action to have what he wants for his life . I thought of Brad , my hot neighbor with the glittering smile , who sold cars every day with that same smile . I wondered if that was the extent of his aspirations , or if he dreamed of something bigger . What force would it take to shoot us out of our comfort zone and into the sky ? Or was this the eternal plan for people like me , to wander aimlessly through life in precarious situations until we get crushed by a compactor or fall off a ladder doing some mundane task for a check that barely covers the monthly bills ? I figured the first step was to ask that very question . I looked down at my watch , and I noticed that we only had one mile to go . I was soaked in sweat , and I felt like throwing up my breakfast , but my legs felt like lightning . We were running on the sidewalk by the road where my apartment was located , when I noticed a cluster of people and dogs up ahead . Milo was usually pretty good about running beside me , but it was too distracting for him with so many dogs in his view . I was trying to steer us to the left , while he was pulling with all of his might to the right towards the group of dogs and people . I jerked him as hard as I could toward me as we passed them , and I suddenly lost my balance . As I fell , I felt this horrible fear at my loss of control go through my body , and I landed on my hands and knees . I felt a shooting pain as my body hit the concrete . I could feel the skin ripping off my knees on impact . " Milo ! " I screamed . The people stopped and turned , and their dogs were pulling on their leashes and barking for their freedom . Milo came to me and licked the top of my right hand . All but one of the people who had caused this accident kept walking in order to control their dogs . " Hey , are you okay ? " asked the concerned young man . He looked about nineteen years old , and he had a friendly face . His deep brown eyes stared down at me as I turned over onto my bottom and sat for a moment , trying to recover . Milo was sniffing me and pacing . My new hero reached a hand down to me . " Thanks , " I said as I took his hand and rose to my feet . " Can you walk ? " he asked softly . I slowly took a step as I held his hand . " I think I 'll be alright . I live in that apartment complex , " I said as I pointed in the direction ahead of us . " Okay , well let me take your dog 's leash , and I 'll walk you to your apartment , " he offered . I was not going to argue , because the shooting pain in my bloody knees was making it almost impossible to walk . I wondered how old this guy really was and if he was in school . I wondered who is friends were and if any of those dogs in their group belonged to him . I was too tired and in pain to ask these questions . " I 'm sorry about what happened . I feel like it was partly our fault that you fell , " he apologized . I smiled . ' Yah think ? ' I thought to myself . " It 's fine . I usually - I usually have better control with Milo … but he just couldn 't contain himself … when he saw those dogs with - with you and your friends , " I said between breaths . " I can imagine . The girl is my sister , the guy that was in the green shirt is my sister 's boyfriend , and the guy wearing the blue and white striped shirt is my room - mate . The two German Shepherds belong to my sister , and the mutt belongs to my room - mate . So , as you can see , I was just tagging along . I don 't have any dogs because they 're too much trouble , " he explained . " Interesting . So , how are dogs too much trouble ? If I can handle them , then surely you can , " I responded condescendingly . " I would not be able to devote enough time to a dog with my schedule , " he replied . " Okay , I 'll bite , what is it that you do ? " I asked . I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt the pain in my knees stabbing me suddenly . " I am working on earning my Master 's Degree in Psychology . So , when I 'm not at school , I am either writing papers at home or doing field work . I am always busy , but it will be worth it after I get that degree and get into a position where I can really help people - and get paid for it , " he said with a smile . Oh , he had that salesman smile like Brad . We approached my apartment , and I looked up at the stairs in disgust . Why did I get a second story apartment ? " That 's my apartment - up there , " I pointed . He looked at me with a pouty face . " You can let Milo go . He will know to run up the stairs and wait , " I advised . He complied , and I grabbed his hand so that he could slowly guide me up the stairs . Each step was more excruciating than the next . BloodI plopped on the couch and propped my leg onto the coffee table . The helpful stranger went into the bathroom and began gathering supplies to play nurse for me . He emerged holding a wet cloth , some ointment , bandages , and rubbing alcohol . " How did you know where my bathroom was and where all of those items were ? " I asked suspiciously . " My apartment has the same layout with the same medicine cabinet as yours , " he explained as he pressed the cloth against my knee . I gasped from the pain . " What is your name ? " I manged to utter . " I 'm Seth . I live in building C , so we 're not far from each other , " he replied as he poured the alcohol onto the cloth . " This is going to burn like hell , " he warned . " I don 't think that is really neces - Ah ! Oh my God , why ? " I attempted to speak but was interrupted by the burning of rubbing alcohol forced upon me . " Ow ! Ow , oh my God , this is fuck ! " I shouted . Seth laughed quietly . " Thanks for the warning , man , " I said angrily . " I did warn you , " he retorted . I rolled my eyes and threw my head back as the pain throbbed in my knees . " I am surprised that we 've never bumped into each other until today , " I suddenly realized . " Like I said , I 'm overwhelmingly busy with school . I am glad that I met you today , though , " he said as he rubbed the ointment on my wounds . " I am definitely glad , or else I may have been limping back home by myself , " I replied , smiling at my newfound hero . He gently placed the bandage on my right leg . " So , how far did you run before you fell ? " Seth asked , trying to distract me from the pain . " I ran a little over four miles . I was averaging 5 . 6 minutes per mile , which was almost to my goal time , " I answered . He placed the bandage on my left knee . " What was your goal time ? " he asked , looking down at my knee . " It was supposed to be 5 . 5 minutes per mile , and I was intending on going for 5 miles , " I explained . " That is extremely impressive . I haven 't ran a mile since high school , " he laughed . " Well , you aI leaned back on the couch , feeling a bit angry with myself for letting this happen . It would be awhile before I could run again . Before Seth returned to my living room , there was a knock at my door . " Do you want me to answer that so you don 't have to get up ? " Seth asked . " That would be great , thanks , " I replied . I had no idea who could be knocking on my door . Seth opened the door , and I knew exactly who my visitor was . " Hey , I 'm here to see my girlfriend . Who are you ? " Greg asked with a slightly angry tone . ' Shit , ' I thought as I rolled my eyes . Greg was the last person that I wanted to see right now , and I didn 't want Seth to know about him . I felt my hatred for Greg grow even stronger in that moment . " It 's okay , Greg . He 's my neighbor . He helped me get back home after I fell , " I shouted to him from the couch . Greg stormed into the apartment and knelt down beside me . I didn 't move from where I was . " Honey , are you okay ? What happened ? Why didn 't you call me ? " he asked , agitated . Seth stood in the kitchen with an awkward look on his face , trying to divert his eyes from us . " It just happened , and Seth was on the trail . So , he helped me get home and bandaged my knee , " I explained . " Thanks , man , " Greg said , hinting to Seth to go home . " No , problem . Well , I 'll see you around , Lisa , " Seth said as he headed out the door with a smirk on his face . I wanted to break up with Greg right then . I couldn 't , however ; it was bad timing . It always seemed like bad timing , though . I just knew that he would cry and beg me to stay with him if I told him that I didn 't want to be with him any longer . " Do you need anything , babe ? Do you want to put ice on your knees ? I 'll go get some , " he insisted . " No ! No , thank you , but I 'm fine . I just need to rest , " I said , annoyed . " I can stay if you want , " he said quietly . " I need to rest , Greg , " I responded with my eyes shut . " How did you fall ? " he asked , stalling . " I was running with Milo . We almost made my goal of five miles , but I tripped and fell when we were trying to go around some people and their dogs . Seth was one of the people in that group , so he stayed behind to help me , " I explained . " I always told you that it seemed dangerous for you to run with Milo . I can run with you , and I can take Milo 's leash , " he replied excitedly . " I fell one time , and it was my fault . I should have walked around that group instead of trying to run around them . I 'll know next time , " I replied , staring at the ceiling . Greg turned on the television and continued to sit in the floor while I stayed sprawled over the couch . I wanted him to leave , but I didn 't feel like using my energy . I knew he 'd want to know why , and he 'd have that hurt look on his face . I just couldn 't deal with that right now . So , I just tried to relax . I wanted so badly to smoke , but I knew that he would not like it . Greg was more of a straight - laced kind of guy . He knew that I had my habits , and he didn 't try to lecture me about it , but he would give me a disapproving look if I engaged in any said habits . I smoke pot and occasionally have fun with mushrooms , I drink a lot of whiskey , and I have a temper . Having a temper isn 't exactly a habit like the others , but it is a tendency that I can 't always control . It makes Greg very uncomfortable because he does not like confrontation . Sometimes I just want to argue or debate for the fun of it , but he just shuts down . He 's like a puppy - innocent , sad - eyed , and always wanting attention . How can I chase away a puppy ? I don 't , however , I want to have a romantic relationship with a puppy . If I cheat on him , he 'd break up with me and not beg me to stay with him . That is one of his deal - breakers . Maybe I could just lie and say that I cheated on him ? I could tell him that Seth and I were having rough , passionate sex , and that is how I hurt my knees . Ah , but then he 'd feel the need to get revenge on Seth . Then , Seth would think that I was a psycho for getting him involved in my drama , because he barely knows me . I don 't want to ruin his opinion of me . There is another way to get out of this without a terrible confrontation , I just know it . Yes , I know , I said that Greg was the one that avoids confrontation . Well , I like to avoid the kind of confrontation where someone cries . " Greg , can you get me a glass of whiskey , please ? On ice ? " I asked nicely . I figured I 'd use him while he was there . " Sure , babe , no problem , " he said as he quickly jumped up to serve me . Why did this irritate me ? I asked Greg to warm up some left - overs for me before I sent him on his way . I told him that I was tired and in pain , and I wanted to go to sleep . He kissed me passionately , and I tried to pull back because it always seems like he 's trying to eat my face . We don 't need to devour each other with every kiss . " I 'll call you later , Lisa . I love you , " he said sweetly . " I love you , too , " I lied . I did love you , I thought I loved you , is what I wanted to say . He left , and I sighed out of relief . Milo , who had been sitting in the recliner ever since we returned home , was staring at me with sad , apologetic eyes . " It 's okay , Milo , it 's not your fault , " I said looking directly into his eyes . He picked up his head and smiled at me the way only a dog can smile - tongue hanging out , mouth wide , and eyes squinting . Milly was curled up in a ball beside my feet on the couch . She rarely ever moved from that spot on the couch , so she was always a perfect and ready foot warmer . I sat up and squeezed my eyes shut from the pain . I reached under the couch for my wooden box of happiness without moving my legs too much . I pulled out my little baggie of green , and I stuffed it into my Ed Hardy pipe . I just wanted to sleep and stop thinking . I was so tired of thinking all of the time . " Lisa , could you come in here for a moment , please ? " my boss said from his office . I could see Rob sitting down in the chair in the office . Mike always had a witness with him when he called someone into the office to be disciplined , or if he was going to give said person some bad news . Either way , dread spread through my body . My head tingled , and I felt my feet become heavy as I made my way to the office . " Yes sir ? " I said timidly . " Have a seat , Lisa . I have some news for you , " Mike announced calmly . He had this calm , confident demeanor about him through all situations . I have seen this man deal with the worst of humankind , and nothing ever seems to crack him . " Alright , you are either going to hate me or love me for this , " he proceeded . I closed my eyes . " Okay , " I said awkwardly . Damn it , why can 't I be as cool as him in these situations ? I am such a scared little person . " Well , I heard that you were interested in third shift from a ' little bird ' here , so I emailed Mr . Davis . You are being transferred to Greenville , " he announced . Rob winked at me . I sighed deeply . " I was actually going to ask you about the possibility of doing that today , sir , so you beat me to the punch , " I said happily . I felt my body relax . I had been wanting the graveyard shift for awhile . " Greenville is a good place to work third shift . There is virtually no crime there , it is a quiet town , and it is not far from where you live . You will probably save about 20 bucks a week on gas as to compared to driving to this store . Also , you can go back to school or whatever you want to do since it 'll be seven days on and seven days off . You 'll just have to lose sleep during your weeks on if you want to do anything , " he reassured me . " When do I start ? " I asked . " You need to be there tomorrow morning at 7 am for a store meeting , and then you will start on Tuesday night , " he replied with a smile . " But I 'm working until eleven tonight , " I replied , annoyed . " It would be preferable for you to make it to the meeting , " he said sternly . " Fine , yes , you are right , " I responded . " Okay , well , since it is your last day at this store , why don 't we play some stockroom basketball for old time 's sake ? " he asked jubilantly . " Okay , " I said with a chuckle . " What are the stakes ? " Rob asked . " Okay , Lisa . If you lose , you have to clean my office top to bottom , " he answered . " What if I win ? " I asked smiling slyly . " If you win , you can leave a half an hour early . But if you lose , you have to spend that last half hour cleaning the office . How does that sound ? " he asked . " Well , so far , sir , you are undefeated , but I will take that challenge , " I said confidently . " Okay , Lisa , I 'm going to put this box inside of this bigger box . It 's two points for the outside box , three points for the inside box . Actually , that is the point system for you . For me , it is one point for the outside box , and two points for the inside box . That way you have a little advantage since you 're playing the reigning champion , " he said graciously . " Okay , as long as you aren 't doing it because I 'm a girl , " I said defensively . " No , he gave me the same advantage , " Rob said , " and he still won . " " Okay , Lisa , stand behind this piece of tape and toss the ball in , " Mike suggested . " Okay , here goes nothing , " I said as I bent my knees and hurdled the ball toward the boxes . It went right over them . " Oh , wow , too much power behind that shot , " Rob said laughing . " I 'm just warming up , " I said confidently . " Hey now , what is going on in here ? " Melinda asked as she walked in the stockroom with her cart full of fixtures from the reset she was doing . " I 'm out here working my ass off , and this is what the bosses are doing ? " she scoffed . " It 's Lisa 's last day here , so we 're giving her a little goodbye party , " Mike said as he approached the little strip of tape on the floor . " Oh , wow , she 's leaving ? " she asked . " Yes , I 'm moving to Greenville to work third shift , " I replied . " Mmph , " she said as she went about her work . We didn 't get along most of time . " Oh , two points ! " Mike shouted when he made the inside box . " 2 - 0 , you 're up ! " Rob shouted . " You guys didn 't tell me there was a game going on ! " Chris said as he entered our makeshift basketball court . " It 's Lisa 's last day , so we had to have one last game with her , " Mike replied . " Yes , I 've already beaten you this week , Chris , so now I have to beat Mike , " I said teasing him . " When did you beat me ? " he asked . " We played a little paper wad basketball at the register the other day , and I beat you , " I reminded him . " Oh , that so does not count , " he said laughing . I made my way to the strip of tape , and I softly threw the ball this time as throwing it hard did not work last time . It barely touched the edge of the outside box and rolled back to me . " Oh , this is going to be really bad , " I lamented . We made a few more shots , and Mike was ahead 8 - 0 . " Okay , this is the last shot . If I make it to 10 points , you 'll be cleaning my office , " he gloated . " It 's not over yet , Mike , " I said with an evil smile . I was up , and I bent my knees , focused on the inside box , and tossed the ball . It flew over both boxes . " Rob , go grab that ball for me , will you ? " Mike said . Rob obediently ran to fetch the ball for him . Rob was his lackey , or so I called him . He wanted a promotion so badly , so he did whatever Mike told him to . " Okay , Lisa , here goes nothing , " Mike said as he smoothly tossed the ball directly into the 2 - point box . " I can 't wait to see my clean office tomorrow ! " he said triumphantly . " Okay , Rob , let 's play to 10 points to see who is going to buy Lisa 's goodbye cake , " he suggested . " Hmmm , can it be any cake ? I can buy her a Hostess cake off the shelf then ? " Rob said with a smirk . Rob was glad to be rid of me . I was out - performing him even though he was technically above me , so with me gone , it would make him look better . " No , Rob , it will be a cake of her choice from Publix , " Mike corrected him . " Alright , I 'm bringing my A game today , " I 've been at Jones ' Drug for five years , and all along I have been trying to find a way out . I went to college and majored in English , but had no idea what to do with my degree after I graduated . Third shift was hopefully going to be my way out of retail since I 'd have time to go back to school . My life so far has been pretty dull . I 've worked as an assistant manager giving orders to employees who don 't want to be there and calming down customers who take their frustrations out on those reluctant employees . I put out stock , reset departments , put together displays to try to spotlight whatever products that corporate wants us to spotlight , and I make sure all the cash is accounted for . It has become pretty redundant over the years . Promotions are getting fewer with the failing economy , and the few who do get promoted are seeing less bonuses than their predecessors and have worked twice as many hours to make up for the hours cut from the employees and hourly managers . I am an hourly manager , and I am fine to stay that way until I find a new line of work . I have done all I can in this career , and I am ready to move on . I just have to figure out what I am going to move on to do . I have always wanted to be a writer in some capacity . I just need to align my career desires with actual career possibilities . Journalism is a dying art because of the technology revolution . Being a paid author is about as likely as winning the lottery . I do not want to teach . I tried teaching middle school for a year , and I ended up on anxiety medication before that year was up . Showing up to work doped up on Xanax was not exactly a way to be a good role model . So , I was going to research a few careers during the next few months , and I was going to go back to school in the fall . It seemed like the perfect situation at the time . Greenville , I knew , was where I needed to be . I cleaned the office that night top to bottom , just as I had promised . The fumes from the Spit Fire spray gave me a headache and a bit of dizziness . Joe walked into the office and gave me a questioning look when he spotted me scrubbing the office floor . " I lost a bet , Joe , " I said smiling . He laughed . " Hey , did you happen to tell Mike that I wanted third shift ? " I asked . I didn 't know who else could have told him . " No , I didn 't tell anyone . I figured you 'd talk to him if you wanted to take the job , " he replied . " Hmm , I bet it was that rat bastard , Rob , " I said grumbling . " Ah , you told Rob , huh ? " he said with a smirk . " I got mad at him one day , and I said something like , ' I just need to go on third shift so I don 't have to deal with any of this bullshit ' , and I guess he mentioned it to Mike , " I realized . " So , you 're getting transferred then ? That 's great , right ? " Joe asked . Joe was one of the third shift managers at that store , and we had many conversations about our hopes and dreams during that overlap between our shifts . He had already told me about the Greenville opening a few weeks ago . " Yes , but I wanted to ask for the transfer . Instead , Mike apparently heard from a ' little bird ' that I wanted third shift , so he processed the transfer before I talked to him about it , " I complained . " Oh , yeah , I can see how that would throw you off guard . Well , are you happy about going third shift in Greenville , though ? " he asked . " Yes , I am happy to move on to something a little different . I may go back to school if I can figure out what I want to do , " I replied . " Well , I hope you find what you 're looking for , Lisa , " he said . " I do too , " I replied wistfully . " Well , Lisa , it has been wonderful working with you , and I will give you a call sometime at your new store to see how you are doing , " Joe promised . " Thanks , Joe . There is cake in the break room if you want some . I think I have had enough . Oh , and Rob had to buy it for me since he lost a game to Mike , " I informed him . He laughed and shook his head . " Hopefully , both of us will be out of here one day , Lisa , and we can both realize our dreamsMs . Addy walked into the office to clock out , and I knew this was going to be a difficult good - bye . Ms . Addy doesn 't like most people , especially managers . In turn , most managers do not like Ms . Addy . She is irritable , bitter , and she can 't do much physical work because , well , she is old . When I first came to work for this Jones Drug location , I did not care for her upon our first meeting . Yet , she grew on me … like a fungus , but still . I learned how to deal with Mrs . Addy , and I learned how to make her smile . She loves to persuade customers to buy the beauty products that we promote , and she loves to see the results . Every day that I have worked for her , she has called me over to see the sales results in the beauty department . If she has worked the day before and done well , she likes to show me so that I 'll praise her . If someone else worked the day before and did badly , she likes for me to see how much the department truly needs her . I also know how to stand up to her when she is being unreasonable without being mean to her about it . I was going to miss Ms . Addy more than I was going to miss anyone else there . We had a special bond , especially as fellow English majors . I still wished I could see her articles that she wrote for newspapers a few decades ago . Over time , I found her to be quite an abysmal woman , and I wondered what wisdom was behind those eyes . " Well , Ms . Lisa , I guess this is good - bye , " Ms . Addy said sadly . " Yes , it looks like it , Ms . Addy . Now you be nice to the new guy , " I said sternly but affectionately . " I already don 't like him . How is having another male manager going to help me in cosmetics ? They don 't know anything about cosmetics , so they don 't care , " she said grumpily . " That is true , but I hear he is a very nice man , " I reassured her . " Well , I don 't like him , and he better not march in here telling me what to do , " she scoffed . I laughed . " I know you 'll give him hell , and he 'll have to either figure out how to deal with you or leave , " I said smili " Ms . Lisa , bad things have happened to people who 've worked third shift at the Greenville store . There are legends , you know , " Ms . Addy warned . Joe was sitting behind us in the office , chuckling to himself . " It is true ! I 'm sure you 've heard the stories , Joe . Ten years ago , there was a manager working in the stock room . She was by herself while her cashier was up front to ring up customers , if any straggled in at three in the morning . She was on a ladder getting down some stock for them to put out . She fell off that ladder and broke several bones in her body . She laid there all night bleeding inside and out with no one there to find her and help her . They say she screamed for hours , and no one heard her through that heavy door . Her cashier never checked on her because he was too busy playing his Gameboy to think about what she might be doing . The opening manager found her there , but it was too late , " Ms . Addy said darkly . Joe laughed again , " it was an accident . People fall off ladders , especially the old rickety ones we have at our stores . " I still felt chills run up my spine . " Okay , did you know about the cardboard compactor incident that happened fifteen years ago ? " she asked . " No , I have not heard of that , " Joe replied cynically . " Okay , there was a man named Stephan who worked as the night shift manager in Greenville at the time . He was in the stockroom throwing away several boxes from where he had put up the product from the warehouse that night . He jabbed as many in as he could until there was no room left before he turned on the compactor . He stood there waiting until it made a hideous noise and smoke came seeping out of it . He opened the door and crawled inside to shove the cardboard down into the compactor . Somehow , he fell inside of it and the door slammed shut . He screamed for help , but it was futile . There is no way his cashier could hear him through that door with his being all the way up front . A couple of hours passed , and the cashier started to wonder what his manager was doing . He walked into the stockroom and yelled for him . He didn 't hear or see his manager , so he went back to the front assuming he was in the office . Seven am rolled around , and the store manager arrived . Then , the potato chip vendor arrived . Mrs . Lemon , the store manager , did not have time to try to find Stephan because she had to check in the vendor . After the vendor had been checked in and put out his stock , he went to the stockroom to throw away his empty cardboard boxes . He opened the compactor , threw in the boxes , and turned on the motor . He still has nightmares about the shrill screams that he heard coming from the compactor . Smoke filled the air , and the sound of bones crushing could be heard from within the machine . He had walked away as soon as he turned on the motor , but he quickly ran back to the compactor and turned it off when he heard those blood - curdling screams . It was so dark inside of the machine that he couldn 't figure out what had made the noise . Also , smoke was rolling out of the opening . He immediately rushed to the store manager to tell her what happened . She bravely climbed into it with a flashlight with the vendor standing by . The vendor later said that her screams were almost as traumatizing to him than the ones that came from the compactor , " Ms . Addy animately narrated . " How do you know all of this , Mrs . Addy ? " I asked . " I read the story in the local paper . They had video footage from the stockroom as well as the witness accounts . You know , I wrote a story about an incident that happened there thirty years ago , but it was the cashi - Part Two - As I pulled into my apartment , my phone rang , and it was Greg . I hit " Quiet " and it continued to blink showing his name over and over again . A few seconds later , my voicemail chime sounded . My heart hurt , and my stomach began to churn . I hated avoiding him , but I just couldn 't deal with my relationship issues right now . I was still feeling that mix of excitement and dread about my new third shift position . I know I 'm selfish , but I just didn 't want to deal with someone else right now . I walked into my apartment where my dogs immediately greeted me with a gratuitous amount of licking and jumping . " Okay , okay , I love you too , guys ! " I said , heading straight for their food pantry . I fed them and refilled their water bowl , and I fell down onto the couch . I flipped on the television and mindlessly surfed the channels for something to take my mind off of everything . I decided I did want to deal with someone else 's drama that didn 't affect me , so " Grey 's Anatomy " it was . Milo , my border collie , jumped on the couch and toppled onto my lap . Milly followed , but I had to pick her up since her back has been getting weaker . Milly is my little daschund that I 've had for ten years . She 's still loving toward me and frisky with Milo , but she is starting to have trouble walking and jumping . I don 't even want to imagine life without her . The phone rang again , and this time I decided to answer so I wouldn 't have to figure out anymore lies to tell . " Hey , Greg , what 's up ? " I said . He spoke sweetly to me , and my whole body tensed up in horrible pain . My heart felt heavy . How did I ever get myself into this ? " Hey , sweetie , I was calling to see if you wanted me to come over tonight . We could watch a movie and , you know , relax , " he suggested . I knew exactly what he meant by " relax " . I definitely wasn 't in the mood for that . " I can 't , Greg , I have to be up early tomorrow morning for a meeting . I 'm being transferred to Greenville for a third shift position , " I replied solemnly . " Oh , well that is good , right ? You 've wanted this for a long time . Why would they have you come in early tomorrow if you 're going to be on third shift ? " he asked in his happy , bubbly voice . " I don 't know , it 's just some dumb meeting , " I replied sharply . " Okay , I didn 't know , " he said defensively . I sighed and rolled my eyes . I knew that I was being harsh with him . " I 'm going to the meeting in the morning , and I will start the graveyard shift on Tuesday night . So , it 's not so bad . I 'll go to the meeting and get to know the layout of the new store as well as get introduced to this whole new set of people . It 'll be interesting . Then , I can go home and nap for awhile , " I explained a bit nicer this time . He laughed . Sometimes he laughs and I don 't know why or how what I said could be funny . It makes me wonder if what I say is funny when I 'm actually trying to crack him up . " Well , that sounds like a plan . So , did you want to go out tomorrow night ? " he asked anxiously . " I will call you tomorrow afternoon at some point , " I reassured him . I sat for a moment staring at my phone . I was trapped , yet again , in a relationship that I did not want . I was going to eventually have to break his heart , but I didn 't want to think about it with everything else going on . I rolled a joint and smoked to get away from my thoughts . I sat there , breathing it in deeply , down into my chest and closed my eyes . I just had to learn to enjoy little moments and not put so much pressure on myself . I smiled to myself and cuddled with Milly . Milo was now sitting on the floor with her toy rope in her mouth , staring at me with a longing gaze . I rolled my eyes as I attempted to pull it from her grip . Her teeth were much stronger than my hand , so I gave up and told her to come join us on the couch . She sneezed from the smoke , and I laughed . I turned on some music and got lost in the moment . Mumford and Sons played for me until I drifted to sleep , still hearing the music in my dreams . Suddenly , I awoke and jumped off the couch to see what time it was . The clock read 4 am , so I had about an hour and a half left to sleep . I sat up on the couch , stretched , and staggered to my bedroom with Milo and Milly slowly following me . I set my alarm to 5 : 30 and quickly passed out , still wearing my work clothes and suffering from the worst case of cotton mouth . Band of Horses blared loudly from my radio alarm clock , and I threw everything off of my dresser trying to find the thing before I finally turned it off successfully . I sighed . " It 's only for a few hours , and then I can go home and sleep , " I said to myself . I stripped off my clothes and climbed into a hot , steamy shower . I stood there for a moment , enjoying the heat and the feeling of cleanliness . I felt like crying , but the tears wouldn 't come . So , I laughed . I laughed harder than I have in a long time , but it wasn 't because I wanted to . I washed all of the soap off of me and dried off . Milo and Milly were waiting for me outside of my bathroom door . My bathroom was in my bedroom , separated only by a thin door without a lock . Even though I lived by myself , it was quite convenient . I combed my hair with my fingers and shook my head a few times so that it would look somewhat curly . I didn 't bother with work clothes since this was just a meeting , so I pulled on some jeans and buttoned up a plain white shirt . I didn 't really care too much what I looked like . I needed to figure out what kind of job that I would care about while on hiding in the third shift position . I slipped on some flats , fed my fur kids , and headed out the door . I drove down the long country road to my new location with the windows rolled down . I didn 't get much sleep , and I still felt a little bit high , but I was feeling a strange euphoria this morning . I needed a change , and I was getting it finally . I arrived at the store at exactly 7 am , so I quickly parked and walked briskly to the entrance . I walked in and about twenty sets of eyes were on me . " Hi , I 'm Lisa , the new girl , " I said nervously . Seriously , did I look at the time wrong ? Was I actually late ? " Everyone , this is Ms . Lisa , she will be our new third shift manager . Why don 't you all introduce yourselves to her ? We 'll start over here with you , Ellen , " Mrs . Steepleton annouced . All of the employees and managers who worked at this location were there , and they introduced themselves . I immediately forgot all of their names . " Okay , guys , we are here today because I need to address the problems that I 've noticed with all of you here lately , " Mrs . Steepleton announced as she handed out a memo to each of us outlining each problem that she had with everyone . As she began to speak , a customer walked in and looked very confused . " Are you open ? " a lady with a tooth missing and badly bleached hair asked timidly . " Yes , we are , what can I help you find ? " the assistant store manager asked eagerly . " I just need cigarettes , ma ' am , " the lady replied , " I 'm so sorry to interrupt y ' all . " " No , no , we are here to serve you , " Mrs . Lewis , the assistant , replied apologetically . I covered my mouth so no one could notice my laughing . Everyone was standing there staring at Mrs . Lewis and the poor , confused woman just wanting to feed her habit . " Okay , guys , let 's start from the top . Maria , read to me the first sentence on the paper , " Mrs . Steepleton instructed . " The villagers are running amuck ! " Maria read enthusiastically . A couple of people laughed . " That 's right , Maria , that is what is happening right now . Read the first bulleted line for me , " Mrs . Steepleton instructed . " " Okay , all of you are free to go except for the managers . We are going to have a managers ' meeting in my office , " Mrs . Steepleton said . " Except for us who have to work , right ? " John , the first shift front cashier , asked . " Um , yeah , " Mrs . Steepleton answered as someone slapped him on the back of his shaved head . He had tattoos going up and down both arms and a lip ring hanging from his mouth . " Get that ring out , John ! You know better , " Mrs . Lewis shouted at him . He shook his head and took it out and put it in his pocket . I had no idea where the office was , so I tried to follow the managers , but they were all going in different directions . " Where is the meeting ? " I asked Mrs . Steepleton . " Oh , it is in the office , I 'll be in there in a minute , " she replied as she rushed off to the other side of the store . I asked the wrong question . " Mrs . Lewis ! " I shouted . She kept walking and talking to one of the older employees . " Where is the office ? ! " I shouted . " It 's over here , just follow me , geez , " the male manager replied , annoyed . I couldn 't even remember his name , but I didn 't really want to as rude as he was . I followed him into the office , and Mrs . Lewis and the other female manger came in behind us . " Mrs . Steepleton will be in here in a minute . She had something to take care of , " Mrs . Lewis replied . The male manager snorted . Mrs . Lewis gave him a knowing look , and he whispered an apology . There were two books propped up against the computer in Mrs . Steepleton 's office . They were both about leadership . It 's never a good sign to have to read books on leadership in your work office . Mrs . Steepleton came in and sat down . " Alright , everyone , this is Lisa , she 's going to be alternating third shift with Amanda , " she began . Amanda waved at me . " Well , you don 't have very big shoes to fill , " the male manager joked . I laughed . " Jeff is a really short guy , " Amanda explained . " I know Jeff . We went on a blind date a long time ago , " I revealed , trying to break the ice . " Wow , you must have been blind to go out with him , " Mrs . Steepleton replied . Everyone laughed . ' Professional ' was not the word to describe these people . " Well , it was just one date , " I explained . " I would hope so , " Mrs . Steepleton replied . She was definitely a mean girl when she was in high school . " Seriously , though , Jeff was useless . He didn 't hardly do anything here , and he didn 't give us a notice . He just handed in his keys and said , ' Peace ' , " Mrs . Lewis added . " Wow , that is pretty unprofessional , " I replied mockingly . " Oh , I 'm so glad God sent you to us , " Mrs . Lewis said smiling . I smiled back uncomfortably . " Apparently he got a job as a parking garage manager . What the hell do you even do as a parking garage manager ? " Bob asked , laughing . I finally noticed the male manager 's name tag . Everyone continued laughing at Jeff , and I wondered if they 'd ever make fun of me that way . I really didn 't care because I was totally going to make fun of this entire ridiculous meeting to Joe . I couldn 't wait to call him and tell him what idiots I was now working with . As I was walking to my car , Amanda stopped me . " So , has anyone told you about the weird sounds in the store at night ? " she asked , smiling . " No , but I have heard some horror stories about third shift at this store , " I replied nervously . She laughed . " Just be prepared . Not all of the noises that you 'll hear can be blamed on the rats or the building settling . It can get pretty weird sometimes , " she explained . " Okay , well , I don 't believe in ghosts , so I 'm not too worried about it , " I replied , annoyMy phone buzzed , and I knew that it was Greg texting me . When I pulled into my parking lot , I decided to read the text . Oh , he was so predictable . " Hi , babe . After you nap , let 's hang out , " the text read . I rolled my eyes as hard as I could roll them . I did not want to see him . I wanted to spend the day with myself , and maybe with my dogs . I got out of my car and headed to my apartment , shoving my phone back into my purse without replying . " Lisa , how 's it going ? " Brad , one of my neighbors , shouted from a few feet away . " Hey , Brad , headed to work ? " I asked . " Yes , working on the weekend sucks , " he lamented . " I know what you mean . I 'm hoping to someday get out of retail hell , " I said half - jokingly . " Well , I 'll see you around , Lisa , " he said with a smile that lit up the whole run - down parking lot . Man , why couldn 't I go out with a guy like that ? I shouldn 't think that way , but I couldn 't help it . I wondered if I could ever get tired of that face ? He was definitely on my list of future possibilities , even if he didn 't know it . I walked into my parking lot , and Milo immediately jumped on me and drowned me in doggie kisses . " I see you , I love you , too ! We will walk after I nap , buddy , " I said through giggles . I threw down my purse , slipped off my shoes , and laid down on the couch . I smoked a joint and fell asleep with the sun shining on me from the living room window with the slightly opened blinds . It reminded me a little of lying on the beach . It was fun to escape to places like that in my mind sometimes . As I fell into a deeper sleep , I began to dream . I dreamed that I was ringing up customers in that store . I felt like I had been there for hours and couldn 't leave . Then , I noticed that all of the customers had something in common : none of them had eyes . They just had black holes where there should be eyes . I was the only person who seemed to notice this as an unusual thing . I felt terrified , and I wanted to leave so I yelled , " Help ! " to Mrs . Steepleton . Mrs . SteepletLeave a Comment March 9 , 2012 " Lisa , could you come in here for a moment , please ? " my boss said from his office . I could see Rob sitting down in the chair in the office . Mike always had a witness with him when he called someone into the office to be disciplined , or if he was going to give said person some bad news . Either way , dread spread through my body . My head tingled , and I felt my feet become heavy as I made my way to the office . " Yes sir ? " I said timidly . " Have a seat , Lisa . I have some news for you , " Mike announced calmly . He had this calm , confident demeanor about him through all situations . I have seen this man deal with the worst of humankind , and nothing ever seems to crack him . " Alright , you are either going to hate me or love me for this , " he preceded . I closed my eyes . " Okay , " I said awkwardly . Damn it , why can 't I be as cool as him in these situations ? I am such a scared little person . " Well , I heard that you were interested in third shift from a ' little bird ' here , so I emailed Mr . Davis . You are being transferred to Greenville , " he announced . Rob winked at me . I sighed deeply . " I was actually going to ask you about the possibility of doing that today , sir , so you beat me to the punch , " I said happily . I felt my body relax . I had been wanting the graveyard shift for awhile . " Greenville is a good place to work third shift . There is virtually no crime there , it is a quiet town , and it is not far from where you live . You will probably save about 20 bucks a week on gas as to compared to driving to this store . Also , you can go back to school or whatever you want to do since it 'll be seven days on and seven days off . You 'll just have to lose sleep during your weeks on if you want to do anything , " he reassured me . " If you win , you can leave a half an hour early . But if you lose , you have to spend that last half hour cleaning the office . How does that sound ? " he asked . " Okay , Lisa , I 'm going to put this box inside of this bigger box . It 's two points for the outside box , three points for the inside box . Actually , that is the point system for you . For me , it is one point for the outside box , and two points for the inside box . That way you have a little advantage since you 're playing the reigning champion , " he said graciously . " Hey now , what is going on in here ? " Melinda asked as she walked in the stockroom with her cart full of fixtures from the reset she was doing . " I 'm out here working my ass off , and this is what the bosses are doing ? " she scoffed . " Mmph , " she said as she went about her work . We didn 't get along most of time . She tended to make snide remarks to me hinting of her jealousy , and I got onto her quite often for slacking off . Sometimes I hated being a manager because I often thought it would be so much easier only be responsible for my work instead of everyone else 's . " We played a little paper wad basketball at the register the other day , and I beat you , " I reminded him . " Oh , that so does not count , " he said laughing . I made my way to the strip of tape , and I softly threw the ball this time as throwing it hard did not work last time . It barely touched the edge of the outside box and rolled back to me . " Oh , this is going to be really bad , " I lamented . We made a few more shots , and Mike was ahead 8 - 0 . " It 's not over yet , Mike , " I said with an evil smile . I was up , and I bent my knees , focused on the inside box , and tossed the ball . It flew over both boxes . " Rob , go grab that ball for me , will you ? " Mike said . Rob obediently ran to fetch the ball for him . Rob was his lackey , or so I called him . He wanted a promotion so badly , so he did whatever Mike told him to . " Okay , Lisa , here goes nothing , " Mike said as he smoothly tossed the ball directly into the 2 - point box . " I can 't wait to see my clean office tomorrow ! " he said triumphantly . " Okay , Rob , let 's play to 10 points to see who is going to buy Lisa 's goodbye cake , " he suggested . " Hmmm , can it be any cake ? I can buy her a Hostess cake off the shelf then ? " Rob said with a smirk . Rob was glad to be rid of me . I was out - performing him even though he was technically above me , so with me gone , it would make him look better . " Yes , apparently a ' little bird ' told Mike that I wanted to be transferred . I was kind of caught off guard since I was planning on approaching Mike about it . Even though it is what I wanted , I 'm kind of pissed that they beat me to the punch , " I replied . " Man , that is crazy . We 're going to miss you here , Lisa . But I 'm glad it 's working out for you , " he said while pulling stock from the shelves and loading it on his cart . " Hey Lisa , wait up , " Mike said . " Okay , just because this is your last day , it doesn 't mean it is time to slack off . This is the day to give me your best work because you always want to leave a great impression every time that you leave a place , " he advised . " Okay , well , it really has been a pleasure working with you , Lisa . I know at that store you 'll be like a comet shooting through the night , changing the way they do things . Their last couple of third shift managers didn 't make much of an impression , so they 'll be glad to have someone who works hard , " Mike said . I smiled , and went on working on the project that I 'd left earlier . I 've been at Jones ' Drug for five years , and all along I have been trying to find a way out . I went to college and majored in English , but had no idea what to do with my degree after I graduated . Third shift was hopefully going to be my way out of retail since I 'd have time to go back to school . My life so far has been pretty dull . I 've worked as an assistant manager giving orders to employees who don 't want to be there and calming down customers who take their frustrations out on those reluctant employees . I put out stock , reset departments , put together displays to try to spotlight whatever products that corporate wants us to spotlight , and I make sure all the cash is accounted for . It has become pretty redundant over the years . Promotions are getting fewer with the failing economy , and the few who do get promoted are seeing less bonuses than their predecessors and have worked twice as many hours to make up for the hours cut from the employees and hourly managers . I am an hourly manager , and I am fine to stay that way until I find a new line of work . I have done all I can in this career , and I am ready to move on . I just have to figure out what I am going to move on to do . I have always wanted to be a writer in some capacity . I just need to align my career desires with actual career possibilities . Journalism is a dying art because of the technology revolution . Being a paid author is about as likely as winning the lottery . I do not want to teach . I tried teaching middle school for a year , and I ended up on anxiety medication before that year was up . Showing up to work doped up on Xanax was not exactly a way to be a good role model . So , I was going to research a few careers during the next few months , and I was going to go back to school in the fall . It seemed like the perfect situation at the time . Greenville , I knew , was where I needed to be . I cleaned the office that night top to bottom , just as I had promised . The fumes from the Spit Fire spray gave me a headache and a bit of dizziness . Joe walked i " Hey , did you happen to tell Mike that I wanted third shift ? " I asked . I didn 't know who else could have told him . " So , you 're getting transferred then ? That 's great , right ? " Joe asked . Joe was one of the third shift managers at that store , and we had many conversations about our hopes and dreams during that overlap between our shifts . He had already told me about the Greenville opening a few weeks ago . " Thanks , Joe . There is cake in the break room if you want some . I think I have had enough . Oh , and Rob had to buy it for me since he lost a game to Mike , " I informed him . He laughed and shook his head . Ms . Addy walked into the office to clock out , and I knew this was going to be a difficult good - bye . Ms . Addy doesn 't like most people , especially managers . In turn , most managers do not like Ms . Addy . She is irritable , bitter , and she can 't do much physical work because , well , she is old . When I first came to work for this Jones Drug location , I did not care for her upon our first meeting . Yet , she grew on me … like a fungus , but still . I learned how to deal with Mrs . Addy , and I learned how to make her smile . She loves to persuade customers to buy the beauty products that we promote , and she loves to see the results . Every day that I have worked for her , she has called me over to see the sales results in the beauty department . If she has worked the day before and done well , she likes to show me so that I 'll praise her . If someone else worked the day before and did badly , she likes for me to see how much the department truly needs her . I also know how to stand up to her when she is being unreasonable without being mean to her about it . I was going to miss Ms . Addy more than I was going to miss anyone else there . We had a special bond , especially as fellow English majors . I still wished I could see her articles that she wrote for newspapers a few decades ago . " I already don 't like him . How is having another male manager going to help me in cosmetics ? They don 't know anything about cosmetics , so they don 't care , " she said grumpily . " Well , I don 't like him , and he better not march in here telling me what to do , " she scoffed . I laughed . " I know you 'll give him hell , and he 'll have to either figure out how to deal with you or leave , " I said smiling . She grabbed me for a hug . " Ms . Lisa , bad things have happened to people who 've worked third shift at the Greenville store . There are legends , you know , " Ms . Addy warned . Joe was sitting behind us in the office , chuckling to himself . " It is true ! I 'm sure you 've heard the stories , Joe . Ten years ago , there was a manager working in the stock room . She was by herself while her cashier was up front to ring up customers , if any straggled in at three in the morning . She was on a ladder getting down some stock for them to put out . She fell off that ladder and broke several bones in her body . She laid there all night bleeding inside and out with no one there to find her and help her . They say she screamed for hours , and no one heard her through that heavy door . Her cashier never checked on her because he was too busy playing his Gameboy to think about what she might be doing . The opening manager found her there , but it was too late , " Ms . Addy said darkly . Joe laughed again , " it was an accident . People fall off ladders , especially the old rickety ones we have at our stores . " I still felt chills run up my spine . " Okay , did you know about the cardboard compactor incident that happened fifteen years ago ? " she asked . " No , I have not heard of that , " Joe replied cynically . " Okay , there was a man named Stephan who worked as the night shift manager in Greenville at the time . He was in the stockroom throwing away several boxes from where he had put up the product from the warehouse that night . He jabbed as many in as he could until there was no room left before he turned on the compactor . He stood there waiting until it made a hideous noise and smoke came seeping out of it . He opened the door and crawled inside to shove the cardboard down into the compactor . Somehow , he fell inside of it and the door slammed shut . He screamed for help , but it was futile . There is no way his cashier could hear him through that door with his being all the way up front . A couple of hours passed , and the cashier started to wonder what his manager was doing . He walked into the stockroom and yelled for him . He didn 't hear or see his manager , so he went back to the front assuming he was in the office . Seven am rolled around , and the store manager arrived . Then , the potato chip vendor arrived . Mrs . Lemon , the store manager , did not have time to try to find Stephan because she had to check in the vendor . After the vendor had been checked in and put out his stock , he went to the stockroom to throw away his empty cardboard boxes . He opened the compactor , threw in the boxes , and turned on the motor . He still has nightmares about the shrill screams that he heard coming from the compactor . Smoke filled the air , and the sound of bones crushing could be heard from within the machine . He had walked away as soon as he turned on the motor , but he quickly ran back to the compactor and turned it off when he heard those blood - curdling screams . It was so dark inside of the machine that he couldn 't figure out what had made the noise . Also , smoke was rolling out of the opening . He immediately rushed to the store manager to tell her what happened . She bravel " How do you know all of this , Mrs . Addy ? " I asked . " I read the story in the local paper . They had video footage from the stockroom as well as the witness accounts . You know , I wrote a story about an incident that happened there thirty years ago , but it was the cashier who was killed , " she explained . " Try not to be by yourself too much . Make your cashier help you and be near you as much as possible . It only happens to people who find themselves alone a lot there , " she warned . " I will , " I agreed . With that , I went home filled with excitement , and well , a new fear about this new position . Comments ( 2 ) PagesWelcome to the portal to my mind ; try not to get lost ! I am a writer , a reader , a teacher , a thinker , a hiker , and a wearer of many hats . Enjoy and share your thoughts with me if you like . |
" No Joanne he 's on a run . In fact he and Johnny have had a non - stop night . Is there something I can do for you ? " he said . She didn 't want to seem like an over - the - top wife , you know the ones you see on TV , but she couldn 't remember if she gave Roy this message before he left for work this morning . " I just wanted to remind Roy that I 'm not going to be home tomorrow during the day because I 'm chaperoning a field trip with Jenny 's class . That 's all . " " That 's it . Are you getting excited about this weekend ? You do know that Emily has invited us to the football game tomorrow night , right ? " she cautiously questioned . " Of course I know Joanne . My wife has invited the whole family , the neighbors and people she hasn 't seen in 15 years . She has been working like crazy since we first got the notice a couple of weeks ago . " Hank said . " I know now . But to be honest , when Maggie called me here at the station and told me that she was a Junior Maid for the Homecoming Court , I really didn 't know what that meant . It has taken two weeks of lessons from all of my Stanley women to catch me up on the importance of tomorrow night , " he explained . " I don 't know if you are aware of this but , Maggie and Amanda both have dates for the dance Saturday night . " Hank said adding , " I 'm not sure I 'm ready for that yet . But I have to just face the fact that my girls are growing up . " " Chet , Marco let 's pull in an inch and a half . Check the back storeroom , " Stanley ordered . And with that his crew went into auto pilot . As Cap watched his men go into the building he saw Vince Howard and another officer escort two handcuffed individuals out . " Are you ready for this Hank ? We have these two geniuses who thought that they could hide out in the air conditioning ducts until closing and then rob the place . But then they had a craving for a cigarette and . . . you can pretty well figure it out from there huh ? The store clerks could smell smoke and we decided to give you a call . " " It 's clear Cap , " said Marco as he and Chet pulled the fire hose back toward Big Red . " We checked the place . It looks good . " The Friday morning wake - up tones rang and 51 's A - shift was hesitant at first to leave their bunks , especially Johnny and Roy who had a terrible shift . Call after call , all night long . It was a fact that dealing with one major incident was hard , but repeated calls for minor things , over and over again were brutal . Backing into quarters , then called back out again , and again made for very little sleep for the duo . Roy was ecstatic when Cap reminded him of Joanne 's absence from the house today . He thought that he would be able to get some good uninterrupted sleep . " I 'm going to the biggest thing to happen to Los Angeles since sliced cheese . I 'm going to a 24 hour film festival at Grumman 's Chinese Theatre right down on the Hollywood Walk of Fame . " The Best of the B 's " is the name of the event . Look here , it 's right here in the paper . We got The Giant Claw , The Man with the X - Ray Eyes , It Came From Beneath The Sea just to name a few . Movies , popcorn and hot dogs . I 'm gonna be in heaven . " Roy knew that he was tired , but why in the world did Chet compare this humongous event to sliced cheese ? He was " this close " to asking why , but then decided nah , what the hell . Let it go . " In a way I guess . It 's gonna be simple , " he continued to explain . " We are going to have the wedding out by the pool . Then after that we are gonna fire up the grill and have hot dogs , hamburgers and beer . Simple . " he said . I hope the society editor doesn 't show up ! Roy thought , again too tired to speak out loud . Dear Abby might think the wedding was the best thing since sliced cheese . Sliced cheese ? Boy he needed a nap . Roy let out a little chuckle to himself . " Boy , you 're not kidding . Emily has this weekend scheduled down to the last minute . General Omar Bradley could take lessons from her . In fact , before I can walk in the house this morning , I need to go get a haircut and then I have to pick up my dress uniform from the cleaners , " said Hank . " My wife is fine thank you , " he said . " You 're my first customer so let 's get you in the chair . You want some coffee ? " " Emily called ? I 'm sorry , my wife has gone crazy . She 's has been . . . " Hank started to explain about her enthusiasm but was interrupted . " Hank , I know . My wife went off the deep end a couple of times too . Come on , let 's get started , " the barber said as he put the drape on Hank . As tired as Roy was , he took his time driving home . No need to stress about the Los Angeles traffic this morning . When he pulled into his driveway he couldn 't remember a time when he had to whole house to himself . He was in heaven . He parked the Porsche , lowered the garage door , grabbed his work bag out of the passenger seat and went to the back door . On his way he looked at the back yard . He really needed to cut the lawn . He promised himself that he would do it tomorrow . After he dropped his work bag in the laundry room , he automatically went to the kitchen to get a glass of orange juice . He saw a note underneath the napkin holder on the table . " Please put the roast in theoven at 3 : 30 p . m . on 350 ° . Love , Jo . " He looked in the refrigerator and saw the large pan with another note on it . " Leave the foil on . " Then he pulled out the bottle of orange juice . It had a note on it as well . " Use a glass ! Enjoy your nap ! " God he loved his wife . Hank didn 't say a word . He just grabbed the hanger with one finger , threw the garment bag over his shoulder and made a U - turn back through the jingly door . Has Emily told everybody in the world ? E ! Roy was rejuvenated and inspired . Rejuvenated because he had hours of the most beautiful , uninterrupted sleep ; and inspired to cook because of the wonderful smell that the roast was sending throughout the house . He went into the pantry and pulled out a couple cans of peas and the instant mashed potatoes . He was a little concerned because it was 4 : 15 . School ended at 3 : 00 . Maybe , he thought , the field trip had a delay somewhere . At the Stanley house tempers were getting ready to flare . Emily had , for the last two weeks , turned the family dining room into a dress maker 's shop . The large formal table was the perfect place for the sewing machine and to lay out material and cut out patterns . Hank 's wife had somehow managed to make not only two formal dresses for her girls to wear to the dance , but also a beautiful suit complete with a hat , for Maggie 's presentation tonight at the football game . " Mom , I can 't find my gloves . Why do we have to wear gloves anyway ? " Maggie complained . " They are on the dining room table , " her mom screamed from the bathroom in the hallway . I can 't even go to the bathroom in peace in this house ! Emily thought . " They are in the washroom on the dryer . Your Dad polished them for you this afternoon . " Flush . " Thanks ! " Emily , Maggie and Amanda frantically made it to the living room , now looking for a purse , a Homecoming corsage and a clarinet case . They looked like an ant pile that had just been stepped on when all of a sudden they all stopped in their tracks and looked at the door to the hallway . Captain Henry " Hank " Stanley was standing there in his full dress formal uniform with his hat tucked underneath his arm . The captain 's stripes on the sleeves , the polished silver badge , the whitest shirt contrasted with the blackest tie , and the pristine creases in the pants that stopped at the world 's best polished shoes , made quite an impression on all of the females in the room . " Go upstairs to your room and don 't come out until dinner ! That is if I let you ever eat again ! " Joanne said as she pointed up the stairs . Roy looked out from the kitchen to see what child she was yelling at . It was Chris . " And you , go upstairs and put on some jeans and your tennis shoes , " Joanne continued to say , very loudly to Jenny . Roy , who was standing by the hallway , backed up quickly as his wife passed him , threw her purse on the stool underneath the phone , went to the refrigerator , grabbed a beer , popped the top and took a big gulp . As Roy started to speak she just held out her hand to stop him . She put the beer down . ( She never really liked beer . ) Then she uncharacteristically belched . Loudly . My son ? Why is it every time he gets into trouble it 's my son ? Roy thought . As he started to reply he was cut off . " Don 't answer . Let me tell you what he did . " Joanne said with an exuberance of gestures to back up her tirade . " Chris , and his best friend Bobby , thought it would be " fun " to unscrew the caps on all of the salt shakers and ketchup bottles in the cafeteria . Needless to say , there were a lot of ruined lunches and shirts ! The cafeteria ladies turned them in to the principal where your son , sat all afternoon until we got back from the field trip . That 's why we are so late . The principal had to tell me your son 's punishment . He has after school detentions all day next week and you are going to pay for anyone who complains about a stained shirt . Now I have to fix dinner and we are probably going to be late for the football g . . . " She stopped and looked at the pots steaming on the stove and the completely set table . How could she have missed all of this ? She sighed . Joanne hated to be the kind of mother that her mother was . She closed her eyes and just stood there . " Come on kids , run or we are gonna miss it ! " Joanne had Chris ' hand and Roy had Jenny 's . The bleachers were full and the DeSotos thought they would have to stand in the end zone but then they heard a familiar , loud scream above the murmur of the crowd . " Joanne , Roy we 're up here ! " shrilled Emily Stanley . Joanne and Roy looked toward the sound of the voice and saw her waving them over to where her family and friends were gathered . ANNOUNCER - " Now representing our junior class is Margaret Alice Stanley . Margaret is a member of the Speech and Debate team ; she is also a member of the Carson Colts Volleyball team , the Beta Club and the National Honor Society . Tonight Margaret is being escorted by her father Captain Henry Stanley of the Los Angeles County Fire Department . That 's our junior maid , Margaret Alice Stanley . " ( A big round of applause . ) On the field , arm and arm with his oldest daughter , Hank felt like the entire world was looking at him as he escorted her across the field . Despite feeling like a fish in a bowl , he stood proud as a peacock when the principal placed the Junior Maid sash on his daughter . Hank then looked to his right where the band was playing the ceremony 's background music and he saw his youngest playing her clarinet . He snuck her a wink . She winked back . The principal shook his hand and then they moved to the side with the other underclassmen maids and their fathers . Joanne hated to be the parent who was always the wet blanket but she was going to need to use the bathroom soon and the thought of the ladies room at a high school football stadium just did not appeal to her . " Chris , you have a big game tomorrow remember , Jenny has to cheer and I have a stomach ache , so I think we should just go home and go to bed early , okay ? " Joanne turned to Emily and said , " Bye bye Emily , we 're going to go , I 'll call you tomorrow . Congratulations again . " Roy opened the car doors and Chris got to his regular seat , behind the driver 's seat and buckled his seatbelt . Chris was pouting , probably because his mom said " No " . . . Again ! As Joanne was getting the kids into bed , Roy was in the kitchen getting ready for his favorite part of the day . Each night that he was at home , he and Joanne would enjoy an adult beverage , a snack and most importantly , each other 's company . Usually Roy would have a cold beer and Joanne would have a glass of wine but tonight , he decided that he wanted wine as well . " Oh , Roy you have no idea . Chaperoning 25 second graders on a field trip to the science museum is exhausting . I had no idea that 7 year olds needed to go to the bathroom so much ! That and keeping their curious hands from touching everything in sight . . . I 'm telling you Roy , teachers deserve a medal for what they do . " " Thank you kind sir , I need this , " she said as she sipped a generous portion . " And then , as soon as we got back to the school , the principal 's secretary finds me and tells me about Chris and Bobby and their prank . Then , as your son got in the car he started up immediately with ' Bobby can do this and I can 't ' and ' Bobby 's mom lets him do this and . . . ' " " Yep . " And he held out a cracker with cheese spread on it . She put the whole cracker in her mouth and started to chew . He leaned over and kissed her . " Yum , that 's good cheese , " he said as he kissed her . He then pulled his chair closer to hers and leaned in to kiss her on her left cheek , then right cheek , then right side of her neck , then left side of her neck . Joanne thought this would be romantic except for the fact that she had a mouth full of cracker and cheese . She tried her best not to laugh out loud because it would not be pretty . Cracker pieces would go everywhere ! Then Roy started to tickle her in her special spot , you know that little area on her back , between her shoulder blades . Roy laughed as she was trying her best not to spew Ritz crackers . He removed his hands in a " surrender " gesture and allowed her to finally chew and swallow . He held up her glass to her lips and let her take a much needed sip of wine . As soon as he put down the glass he kissed her again and this time , he meant business . He smiled . Yes ! Send me back to work with a smile on my face ! And they kissed again . Deeply . But , before they got too far down the road they couldn 't travel on , Joanne stopped kissing her husband . Roy sighed . " Oh no , no , no , you 're not going to put this in my lap . You get Chris , I 'll tell Jenny . That 's the law , " she said adamantly . Saturday morning after breakfast , Emily and the two girls were hurrying to get in the car . " They didn 't eat a lot of breakfast . Do you know where they are going out to dinner tonight ? " he asked . Roy and Joanne were in the stands watching the little - league Lions run up and down the field . Actually , Joanne was the parent really watching her little boy . Secretly she did not like him playing football . It was too rough and was only going to get rougher if he continued to play through high school . Maybe she could nudge him into competitive swimming , his dad 's high school sport . Regardless she couldn 't believe how fast Chris was growing up . In just four years , he 'd be in high school and she knew in the back of her mind that within those few years , she wouldn 't be the only woman in his life . Roy was watching his little girl ; all dressed up like a cheerleader with her pom poms moving erratically back and forth . Just looking at her , she was so . . . how could he put it . . . bad ! Roy knew that he shouldn 't laugh at her but Jenny clearly missed the line to stand in when God was giving out rhythm and coordination . He hoped that maybe over her next few growing years she would improve , but for now he just smiled and cheered along her and the other girls . E ! Emily Stanley turned in and parked her car in the driveway . She had just dropped her daughters off at the high school gym because they were on the Homecoming Dance Decorating Committee . When she got out of her car she was a little confused when she saw Hank on a ladder on the front porch . " No , nothing strange about it at all , " his wife said . " Or could it be that our daughters will be escorted to the door after their dates and you . . . just want them to be able to see their way in ? I mean we wouldn 't want them to trip and fall right ? " " What ! " he exclaimed not liking her choice of pronouns . " I thought we agreed that our girls had to be 15 before we allowed them to wear make - up ? When did we change our minds ? " " Oh , " Chris remembered now , " But . . . " " No buts . Besides we need to go home and mow the lawns . Let 's get your stuff and head to the car , now ! " demanded Roy . As Chris went to tell his teammates goodbye Roy saw Joanne and Jenny walking towards him . Jenny was filthy . " I can see that , " said Roy . He looked back at the field and thought back a little . " Joanne , I don 't remember seeing a muddy area on the field , do you ? " Having two children there was never a lot of quiet in the DeSoto world . Chris was depressed again so he wasn 't talking , and Jenny was trying to pick mud off of her pom poms so she wasn 't talking . Roy and Joanne just looked at each other as they both enjoyed the silence . But then , when Roy started the car , on the radio , as if it was a sign by God , the DJ started playing " I Got You Babe " by Sonny and Cher . Joanne turned up the volume , way , way up . Little did their children know , " I Got You Babe " was Roy and Joanne 's song . Now , Roy and Joanne would get revenge on their children for their recent embarrassing acts . Salt , Hah ! Ketchup , Hah ! Mud . Hold on ! Now Chris and Jenny would be the ones to be embarrassed as their parents started to sing loudly and gesture wildly as they exited the stadium parking lot for the one mile ride home . If he could have Chris would have dropped to the floor of the car behind the driver 's seat . All of his friends were listening and laughing as the car passed them . Stupid seatbelt . And then if the singing wasn 't enough , Jenny , who was not musically gifted , joined in . Of course without any musical timing , she was always close , but not on the beat . But she didn 't care . She yelled and shook her pom poms high every time they sang " Babe . " And of course being rhythmically - challenged she was . . . just a little off . Chris was miserable . Not only were the neighbors out in their front yards , but his friends , who he had known his entire life , were watching . " Babe , " sang Sonny and Roy . Back at the Stanley house Emily was in the dining room putting the last few touches on their daughters ' hand made full - length dresses . Hank was hosing down the front windows and screens when the phone rang . Emily stuck her head out of the door and got his attention . " Bob , thanks for calling me back , I need some advice . Hold on , " he said . Then he looked at Emily and asked , " Can you excuse us please ? " " This will be a private conversation between your Dad and me if you don 't mind . Why don 't you go in the dining room and sew more things on Amanda 's dress , you know around the cleavage part ? It needs more . . . something . " Once Hank felt that she had left the room he returned to the phone . " Bob thanks for holding . As you know Margaret and Amanda are now dating and I don 't have any actual experience with this part of fatherhood and I 'm looking for , I don 't know , ways to make sure that their dates get the point about taking out my girls . . . you know what I 'm talking about . " Jenny and Chris couldn 't get passed the laundry room until they stripped all the way down to their underwear . Chris was told to put on some work clothes to help his Dad with the lawn . Roy was told to make lunch while Joanne took Jenny up for a quick bath . Roy looked in the fridge and saw left over roast , but he didn 't want that again . He wanted something simple . So he pulled out the strawberry jelly from the fridge door . Then he got the Jiff Peanut Butter from the pantry and started to make his famous PB & J sandwiches . " Daddy , " started Jenny , " we have a boy in my class that can 't have peanuts . He says he is allertic to them . Is that right ? The second Joanne heard " Bobby 's mom " she just closed her eyes . She was so tired of being compared to this woman . Roy sensed the same thing so he quickly changed the topic . " That 's fine with me , " Joanne said as she left the room to go upstairs , sandwich uneaten . She needed to be alone . Damned stomach ache . " Chris , I 'm going to pull out the mower . We 're gonna start with the front yard . See you in a few minutes , " instructed Roy as he left through the back door . Around 4 : 00 , Hank found both of his daughters with rollers in their hair . " Maggie , Amanda , I want to give you some money . You 're mom says that you 're going to Caesar 's Italian Restaurant tonight , right ? " Both of his daughters shook their heads . " I 'm doing this because , " Hank handed them each a $ 20 bill , " sometimes dates don 't have enough money and I want you to take this just in case . " " Thanks , Dad , " the both said , in harmony . Usually Roy and Chris made a great team . Row pushed the mower and Chris was in charge of raking and sweeping up . It was going smoothly . . . he thought . They finished the front yard in record time and as Roy was finishing the few rows around the backyard he noticed that his son was talking out loud to himself with a determined look on his face . Roy thought back to when he was eleven years old and could not think about any subjectthat would make him look as serious as Chris did right now . " Daddy , can we call Uncle Johnny to come over for dinner ? I need to ask him something . " asked Chris as he and his Dad picked up everything and returned the mower to the garage . " I just think that girls are trouble Dad . We have this girl in class , her name is Susan and she keeps looking at me . Every time I look at her , she 's looking at me . Every time . Bobby and I just ignore her . " " Well Chris , the best thing to do when a woman makes you crazy is to pull your shoulders up like this , raise your hands palms up and say ' Women ! ' Men have been doing that for years . It seems to help . Here you try it . " " She sits two rows away from me in class . And she 's always looking at me ! Bobby says that she has my name written on her notebook with hearts drawn everywhere . That 's sick , Dad . " Silence and an unbelievable look of panic appeared on Chris ' face . Roy could see by Joanne 's body language that she meant business . . . but he couldn 't let his son take the wrap so . . . he did the only thing he could do . He blasted Joanne with water ! He got her good too ! Stomach ache or not , Joanne wasn 't going to take that ! She ran and grabbed the bucket with soapy water in it and threw it smack dab at Roy . And before Chris knew it , his parents were embarrassing him again in public as they started to run , yell , laugh , splash and fight for the hose in the driveway in front of the house . Joanne knew that there was no way she was going to be able to take the hose away from a professional fireman , but she tried her best as they both wrestled to the ground . Roy tickled Joanne until she stopped holding onto the hose , then in a classic wrestling pin he held her down . " Say ' My husband is stronger than me ! ' Come on , say it ! ' " She couldn 't talk because she was laughing too much . So she gave in , exhausted . . . and wet . Roy leaned down and gave his water - soaked wife a big ole kiss . Right there in the front yard ! " Well Mr . and Mrs . Stanley . . . " a nervous teenaged boy said . " That 's Captain Stanley , " corrected the taller man . " Oh I 'm sorry , Captain Stanley , we really need to go , our reservations are for 6 : 30 and . . . " The poor teenager was so nervous that he didn 't see the police car pull up in front of the house . " Uncle Vince ? " Maggie said . Vince Howard got out and then reached into the backseat of the car and pulled out a large heavy box and walked to the six of them in front of the house . As he got closer , you could see that someone had written " Ammunition " on the side of the box . " Hi Amanda , Margaret . Wow , don 't you look lovely . I 'm sorry to interrupt ; I just stopped by to drop off your dad 's case of ammunition for his new rifle . " " Hey you all look so nice , " Vince said , " why don 't I take a group shot of all of you in front of the house on the porch ? " Hey that 's a great idea . " Hank thought and handed him the camera . " You can just put it on the kitchen table , " instructed Hank . " Thanks Vince . " Then Hank turned back to the foursome . " Okay you guys have a good time . Don 't forget curfew is 11 : 00 . Okay ? " " Nah . I 'll surprise them next week , " he said as he turned his wife and started to walk her to his car . " So you ready to eat ? I 'm feeling like Veal Parmesan from Caesar 's . You love that don 't you ? " He started to open up the passenger door . " That does it ! I can put up with the light bulbs and the advice from my father and I can even put up with a case of rifle ammunition when you don 't even own a rifle , but we are not going to embarrass our daughters by showing up at the same restaurant ! " She turned quickly and made a bee line toward the house . " You have lost your mind ! " she said as she went into the kitchen . And then she saw it ! Somehow , Hank , without her seeing it , had managed to put out the good tablecloth , china , silverware , candlesticks , wine glasses and napkins , and she could only assume that in that large box of ammunition that was now leaning on it 's side against the wall , came a bouquet of roses , a bottle of wine and two complete Veal Parmesan dinners from Caesar 's . " They also call me Mr . Smooth , " Hank said . " Chris , you have been doing a lot of complaining lately . You know on Saturdays when I am home , we always have Family Game night , " Roy said sternly at first , but then he softened a little . " Son , I promise if you play one game with us , you and I will play Battleship © next okay ? Besides , you used to love Sorry © . " " Congratulations sweetie , " Joanne said . " Now let 's kiss your Dad goodnight . We 're gonna go up and get ready for bed . Okay ? " " Honey , " she said as she kissed her husband on the cheek , " I think I 'm gonna go to bed early so maybe you and Chris might want to use this time for a talk . " Joanne said as she winked at her husband . Roy saw her suggestive wink . He knew what she meant . " Hey , stop . " Roy said as he sat down next to his troubled son . " Chris , talk to me . You seem to be a little contrary these past few days . What 's going on ? " " What I mean is that you seem confused . You know . Come on Chris , you have been acting a little differently than you usually do . Come on ; tell me what 's bothering you . " Silence . " Chris . " " Dad , I . . . " ( Silence ) " It 's just that . . . " ( More silence ) " I don 't know what to do . " " She 's really kinda nice . And when we are in music class . . . she sings good . ( Pause ) And I don 't know what to do because my friends laugh at all the girls and they would laugh at me too and yesterday in the cafeteria , it was Bobby 's idea to do that , I don 't know why I did it . " Then Chris looked up and saw his Dad with a big smile on his face . " No son , I 'm not laughing at you . I 'm just happy that you are starting to notice girls . You 're growing up . " " Probably very soon . " ( Pause ) Roy thought that Chris had had a bad day and that maybe this wasn 't the best time for " the talk , " so he changed the subject . " Well , do you still want the play Battleship © ? " E ! Everything seemed to go well tonight ; in fact the girls had no trouble meeting their curfew as they were dropped off at 10 : 30 p . m . Maybe the presence of a police officer worked . He would have to share this with Roy when Jenny starts to date . Lying in his bed he heard one of his daughters walk downstairs . It was around 1 : 30 a . m . so he went to check up on her . " Hey princess , what are you doing down here so late ? " he questioned Amanda , his youngest . " I just came to get some tea . That 's all . " Hank noticed that she was just sitting at the kitchen table , without that glass of tea . " What do you mean ? " Hank could see by her slumped body language , that she was depressed . She paused . Maybe she didn 't want to tell him . Hank just sat down and waited for her to talk , if she wanted to . He didn 't want to pressure her , but he did reach out and gently hold her hand . Still looking at the table Amanda started . " When we were at the restaurant all Paul did was talk to Billy about football and the new P . E . teacher who is so strict and , well it was like he never even noticed me . And then when we got to the dance , we went in the gym you know , and then he saw some of his friends and then he like , disappeared for a long time . I found some of my band friends and we hung out together . " She raised her head and Hank could see that his baby girl had tears in her eyes . In Hank 's line of work he had seen all kinds of tragedies , even deaths over the years . And through it all , he had maintained his composure . But at that moment he sat there crushed , wanting to hug his daughter and make the tears go away . " But then after about . . . a long time , ( sniff ) he came up next to me , and I smiled because I thought he was going to ask me to dance but then Janet , the cutest girl in the freshman class walked by and he asked her to dance instead . " Her voice started to waiver as she continued . " My friend Brian , he plays the trombone , said that he heard that Paul only asked me to the dance because he didn 't want to be embarrassed to have one of his parents drive him . . . , so he asked me because I could ask Amanda to double date . " She wiped her tears with her hand . " Anyway , then he kind of disappeared again until the principal got on the microphone and told everyone to go home and then he came and found me . Then at that time , Maggie and Billy met us at the car and we came home . " At this point , she was crying so badly that he could hardly make out what she said . " Daddy . . . , it was my first formal dance and . . . I didn 't even dance one dance . " Hank wanted to hurt that boy . " Hey come here , " Hank said patting his lap , as if she was five years old . " I want you to listen to me . Promise ? " She nodded as she sat on his lap and hugged him around the neck . " First , look at me . " Held put his hand under her chin and pulled up her head a bit . " You are beautiful . So get that ugly thought out of your mind . Got it ? " " Sometimes boys are . . . stupid . I work with a lot of men and sometimes , they are just plain stupid . ( Pause ) Kind of like Uncle Chet ? " " No he 's not . . . but I got you to smile didn 't I ? Look . I just want you to know that I don 't think I 've ever been more proud of my girls today ; you , your sister and your mom . I don 't know what I did to deserve the three most beautiful women in the world ? I promise you , that you will find a man who will love you for who you are one day . " He hugged his little girl , still in his lap . " Feel better ? " " Since we 're up , how about we split a sandwich ? What do you want ? PB & J or what ? " Hank asked as they both stood up . E ! Joanne didn 't mean to knock over the toothbrush holder but she got so dizzy after she flushed the toilet , she had to hold onto the bathroom counter to remain standing . " Damn , " she said to herself . She looked up and saw her face in the mirror . Even though she only had the illumination from the small night light , her cheeks looked like they had been in the sun all day . And even though it was a little after one in the morning , she felt like she was standing in the bright sunshine . She was very hot . And dizzy . And nauseous . " Roy " she said in almost a whisper . What was that noise ? Roy thought as he heard the clanking in the bathroom . He thought Joanne must have accidentally knocked something over on the counter . He rolled over and got comfortable again . Then he heard his name . By the time he got to her she was screaming . " Joanne , what 's going on ? " he said as he got by her side . He could see that she was distressed . He turned on the overhead light . It was then that he saw what she saw . " Okay , let 's sit you down , " he said as he so carefully and gently placed Joanne on the floor with the bathtub as a backrest . Once seated , he put his hand on her forehead . " Baby you 're burning up . " He then grabbed a hand towel and wet it with cold water " Put this on your head . I 'm going to go down and get my medical bag . I 'll be right back . You gonna be okay ? " She did not respond . She gave him a feeble nod . He did not want to leave her but he needed to and he did not know how many of stair steps his feet actually hit , but within the time it took him to get to the first floor he knew what he had to do . He went to the wall phone in the kitchen and dialed the number that he needed . Chris , who saw his father running up questioned , " Daddy , what 's going on ? " Roy bent down and looked his son in the eye . " Chris , your mom is not feeling well . I 'm going to take her to the hospital . Your Uncle Johnny is on his way over . Can you go down to the living room and let him in the front door when he gets here ? " When he returned to the bathroom he saw that Joanne had flushed again and returned to sit with the wet towel now over her mouth , as if to cleanse her mouth after she threw up . " Joanne , I 'm gonna take your temperature now . Do you think you can hold the thermometer in your mouth ? " he asked . Roy used the next two minutes to get dressed . He went to grab his favorite pair of jeans that were thrown over the back of the chair in the room . He then opened the second of his chest of drawers and grabbed his LA County Fire Department sweatshirt and got dressed . After he put his wallet from the tray on the top of his dresser in his back pocket , he turned around to head back to Joanne when he saw Jenny . She was a step away from seeing her mother . " Jenny ! " Roy said a little louder than he needed to . " Stop ! " Roy didn 't want her to see Joanne in the state she was in . He knelt down and turned her to face him . " Baby , your mom is not feeling well . Your Uncle Johnny is on his way . Why don 't you go downstairs and wait with Chris , okay ? " Roy said with a little less stress as he scooted her out of the master bedroom and down the stairs . " Go find Chris . " Jenny didn 't say anything but Roy could see that he had startled her and she was on the verge of tears . " Go . " God he hoped that Chris would be the big brother that he needed him to be right now . Roy removed the thermometer and read 103 . She feels hotter than that he thought . He then reached into his medical bag and pulled out his pen light , stethoscope and BP cuff . Roy gently put his hand on her chin and pulled up her face so he could look in her eyes . It was then that he saw her tears . Roy 's heart sank . " Oh baby , I 'm not going to be able to handle this if you cry , " he said . " Please don 't cry . " He put his pen light on the floor and grabbed a couple of tissues and , with tears in his own eyes , wiped her 's away . Roy placed the BP cuff on her right arm as she was now leaning against the tub and the wall . He put in the ear pieces , something that he had done a zillion times . He could take a B - P in his sleep . But , when he put the stethoscope bell on her arm he looked up and saw more tears . Roy stopped being a paramedic at that instant . He couldn 't see the dial nor did he know what he was supposed to do with that thing around her arm . All he could see was that the woman , whom he loved more than anything in the world , was silently crying . " John is on his way over to watch the kids . We 're going to go to Rampart . I 'm going to go get your robe . " E ! " I need your help , can you come over ? " Johnny kept repeating Roy 's plea in his mind as he drove . Did one of his kids get hurt ? Joanne ? I guess it didn 't matter ; he just drove as fast as he could . He was prepared to " break the law " if he had to , but it seemed that fate was pushing his Rover through every green light between his apartment and the DeSoto home . As Johnny parked his car on the street he saw that every light in the house was on . By the time he got around to the sidewalk Chris had run out across the front yard to him . Johnny put both of his hands on Chris ' shoulders and then he knelt down to look him in the face . Johnny could see that as brave as his favorite nephew was trying to be , he had tears in his eyes . " Okay , let 's go see " Johnny said as he turned Chris back toward the house . As they were walking up Johnny saw Jenny , silhouetted in the doorway clutching Lily , her favorite stuffed animal . He knew that she was too old to pick up but he didn 't care . As she ran barefooted to him he scooped her up onto his hip and with his free hand he grabbed Chris ' hand and the trio went back into the house . " Do you think you can walk ? Never mind . " Roy said as he picked her up and cradled her in his arms . By the time he got down the stairs Johnny was walking in the front door with Chris and Jenny . Johnny put Jenny down and grabbed Joanne 's purse that was always hanging on the back of the kitchen stool . He then ran out in just enough time to open the passenger side door of the station wagon . As Roy carefully placed Joanne on the seat and buckled her seatbelt he said , " Call Rampart . Tell them that I 'm bringing her in . She has a sudden high fever . Nausea and she 's dizzy . " After he closed the door he stood up and the two friends finally made eye contact . Johnny and Roy had been partners for years and Johnny had seen Roy professionally handle 5 - alarm fires , car wrecks and other disasters . But now , things were different . Johnny had never seen Roy so scared . " When do we ever get the opportunity to sit around the kitchen as a family anymore ? Let 's enjoy this . Hey , I 'll go and put on some music . " Hank left . " Did you have to ask ? " said Maggie , " Who else ? Perry Como . " And sure enough , they could hear the soothing sounds of " Catch a Falling Star " flowing out of the living room and into the kitchen . E ! Roy was seriously focused on driving the station wagon . Nobody talked and since it was after midnight all of the radio stations were off . He was prepared to " break the law " if he had to , but it seemed that fate was pushing the station wagon through every green light between his house and Rampart emergency . " Roy , let 's take her into Exam Room 6 , " said Dr . Elizabeth Varner , the eastern European doctor who had come to the United States last year with hope of establishing a career and a life for her and her family . Initially , Dr . Bracket had concerns about her professional work , until he learned that she was pushing herself too hard with three shifts at three different hospitals . Once that was cleared up , she became the regular night shift doctor at Rampart and , Roy and Johnny got to know and respect her . " Joanne . I 'm going to ask you some questions okay ? " Varner said as she checked the patient 's pupils . " When did you start to feel sick ? " Roy hesitated but agreed . He didn 't want to wait in the lounge . It was too small . He needed space to pace , so he walked down to the waiting area . Elizabeth returned to Joanne . " Sorry about that . Now we can talk . So , do you have any muscular pains , anything bothering you ? " Varner asked as she began to visually examine her more carefully . " No , not that I know of . " Joanne sighed . " It couldn 't have come at a worse time this month . I have just had two of the most stressful days . " She was so glad that her doctor was a woman . She would have been so embarrassed to talk to a male doctor and especially if it were Dr . Bracket or Dr . Early ! E ! It took Johnny about an hour to calm the kids down . They weren 't crying out loud . Instead they were very quiet and very nervous . Johnny went upstairs and grabbed each of their bedspreads and pillows and returned to the living room . He then went to the hall closet and took out a pillow and blanket for himself . " Let 's have a camp out down here in the living room , okay " he suggested . They moved the coffee table against the wall and the kids took their pillows and blankets and settled down on the floor . Johnny left the hall light on , then took off his shoes and lay down on the couch . Within 20 minutes , Chris and Jenny were asleep . Johnny remained awake , waiting for any news . E ! As the doctor finished her exam with Joanne , the nurse stepped in and told Varner that there was an accident and a couple of injured people were on their way in . " Can you get Roy for us ? " the doctor asked . And then the nurse was gone . Once Roy entered Varner said , " Well , I think the IV and cold packs are helping with the fever . Do you feel better Joanne ? " " Yes , a little . I still feel kind of weak though , " she said as Roy got to the side of the bed to hold her hand , and to sneak in a pulse reading too . " To be honest . . . stupid . I think I over reacted , it 's just that . . . I got so dizzy and then when I saw that my face was so red and . . . I was so hot that . . " " Penicillin . Dr . Varner just got the lab results . Joanne we are going to let you continue to rest , and then we are going to take another blood sample in an hour . Okay ? " E ! Without waking the kids , Johnny left the living room and went upstairs to turn off all of the lights that were still on . When he got to the master bathroom he saw Roy 's BP cuff , pen light and stethoscope on the floor . He picked them up and returned them to his medical bag . He also gathered the soiled towels and brought them to the laundry room . Instead of returning to the sofa , he just sat at the kitchen table and waited . Hopefully the kitchen phone would ring soon . " I don 't know , I guess because it 's around the corner from the busy hall . Close to the Doctor 's Lounge too . Free coffee . Well , there was one time when the administration was trying to cut costs so they brought in a vending machine that sold coffee , but it kept breaking so they took it away , " he described . She then explained Joanne 's quick rise in temperature , her sudden weakness and the reddening of her cheeks and forehead . Roy and Joanne were stunned because they had never heard of anything like this before . Dr . Varner admitted that she had seen a few cases when she was practicing in the Ukraine , a country in eastern Europe and she was surprised that it wasn 't getting more attention here in the United States . Unfortunately , she added that it would take a few fatalities before the media and the medical establishment started to address it more seriously . After the doctor answered their questions she said , " We 're gonna get another blood test up to the lab next . Then we will see if the medication is doing its job . So just hang in there a little bit longer okay . " " Well ladies , you might have to fight over who gets to go first , but I think we should continue with our celebration and have a dance . Girls you probably don 't know this but , they call me Mr . Dance . " Hank said . " Okay , your new test came back and it is encouraging so I 'm going to give you a couple of options . Joanne , we can admit you to watch your vital signs , just to make sure that the medication is working or ; because your husband is one of our best paramedics , we can send you home with complete instructions for him and you to follow . Which ever option you choose , I want to examine you again thoroughly in a couple of days , " said the doctor . Roy said okay . Then Varner and Roy went to the nurse 's station to go over all of the procedures that he would have to take , and gathered the necessary medication and supplies . Linda went and removed Joanne 's empty IV from her arm and got her up off of the bed , steadied her and then walked her to the ladies room across the hall . When she came out , there was a wheelchair waiting to take her to their car . E ! Sitting in the kitchen , Johnny did not want to do anything to wake up his niece and nephew . He thought about making coffee , but he knew they would smell it . So he just sat there , thinking about how scared Roy looked . What could have happened ? Then the wall phone rang . He got to it by the second ring . " She will be . Look I gotta go , the nurse is wheeling her out right now . We will see you in a few minutes . Bye . " he said as he hung up the phone . E ! Roy parked the wagon in the parking lot of the station 's favorite doughnut shop . He looked over at his wife . Joanne hadn 't said a word since they left Rampart . In fact , she just looked out her window the whole time . As he opened his door he said jokingly , " Don 't go anywhere , I won 't be long . " She nodded . Joanne so wanted to be by herself to just let go of her emotions . She knew that when they got home , Roy would be hovering around her , the kids would be hovering around too and Johnny , oh my God , she forgot about Johnny . The nervous energy that she had experienced over the past few hours finally caught up to her and she started to cry . Face in her hands cry , as if no one would see her Lisa the owner of the pastry shop looked out and then gently asked Roy if his wife was okay . When Roy looked through the glass store front and saw Joanne in tears he responded , " Yeah , she 's okay . She just had a big scare tonight , that 's all . " After he put the boxes in the backseat , he sat down . Before he started the car he quietly said , " Joanne . What can I do for you ? " Roy didn 't reach out to her but he turned to her and said , " There is nothing to be embarrassed about . You heard what Dr . Varner said . It is a serious medical problem and women have already died because of it . There is nothing embarrassing about it . " " You don 't understand Roy , it - is - embarrassing . Please don 't tell anyone . Please Roy . Please , " she said , getting herself all worked up again . " Well for one , he made it to our house in record time when I called him , no questions asked . Two , he 's a paramedic , and three , he loves you . He won 't say a word to anyone . I promise . " She nodded . " Now , let 's dry those tears and head home . I 'm sure you have three people who can 't wait to see you . Dry those eyes okay . " E ! " Okay you two ; let 's pick up your bedspreads . Chris , can you get them back upstairs for me ? Jenny and I will go pour some milk and I 'll make some coffee . " Uncle Johnny said . The kids each took a box . " Good job kids , why don 't you bring them to the table while I help your mother in . Go in and have her chair pulled out for her . We 'll be there in a minute . " Once the kids had returned to the house , Roy reached in again and pulled out the box with the medication from Rampart . " Johnny , can you sneak this up to our bedroom ? We don 't want the kids to see it . Oh , and can you hold the door open for a second ? " " Sure , no problem . " Johnny replied . Then he watched Roy walk around to the passenger side of the car . He reached in and picked up Joanne in a classic cradle hold . When they cleared the car and made it to the front door Johnny saw that Joanne 's ankle had been wrapped with your basic ace bandage . " No , " Roy answered , " but your mom is going to have to stay in bed for a few days . So guess what ? We get to take care of her for awhile , okay ? " Johnny was confused as he backed out of the kitchen to sneak up to Roy 's room . As he walked up the stairs he looked in the box . There were all of the things necessary to establish an IV , a bag of D5W , and three pre - loaded syringes of penicillin . There was also a bottle of pills that he wasn 't too familiar with . All this for a sprained ankle ? He thought as he put the box up high on Roy 's chest of drawers . When he returned to the kitchen he saw Chris and Jenny eating doughnuts , but also hovering around their mom at the same time . Roy handed him a cup of coffee and he stood next to his partner who was leaning on the counter . " Look Mommy , Daddy and Uncle Johnny look alike , " Jenny pointed with chocolate icing stuck around her fingers and mouth . Joanne and Chris looked up and smiled . Sure enough , Roy and Johnny in their haste this morning grabbed the same clothes . The both had on jeans and their LA County Fire Department sweatshirt . Chris made his way to his mom and because she was sitting down , they were at the same level of eye contact . He seemed very serious . " Mom , I 'm sorry I have been so canary lately . " Chris came back with the paper and put it on the table in front of his mom . Then he helped himself to another doughnut . Roy and Johnny noticed that Joanne hadn 't had anything to eat or drink yet . Roy reached in the refrigerator and got out the orange juice bottle while Johnny reached up into the cabinet and grabbed a glass . Roy brought the glass to his wife and without any words , insisted that she drink it . Joanne put the glass up to her mouth and started to drink when she quickly put it down again , as if she was going to spit out the orange juice all over the table . As soon as Joanne finished her juice Roy said , " Okay everyone , your mom and I are going to bed . We haven 't slept all night . Chris and Jenny , say goodbye and thank you to Uncle Johnny . I 'm sure he has other things to do . " " Thanks anyway Johnny , but I think that Chris is old enough to take care of things while we take a nap . He 's grown up a lot this weekend . Haven 't you son ? " Roy said proudly . Johnny was confused now for the third time but , he knelt down and took the goodbye hugs from Chris and Jenny . Then he went to Joanne . He hugged her and while his ear was next to her she whispered , " Thank you John . I love you . " " I love you too , " he said and as he pulled back , he could see tears in her eyes . Roy tapped him on the shoulder and then Roy offered to walk Johnny to his car . " Hey kids , why don 't you go upstairs and grab your pillows and wait for us in our bedroom . We 'll all take a nap together okay ? Chris , would you take your sister to the bathroom and clean her up ? " Roy and Johnny left Joanne alone in the kitchen as they left the house . Once outside Johnny whispered , " You want to tell me what 's going on . IVs , penicillin , plus the fact that Joanne is as weak as a kitten and you want me to believe it is because of a sprained ankle . What 's going on Roy ? " " Joanne doesn 't want anyone to know what happened . When we left the doughnut shop we came up with the sprained ankle gig . I happened to have a First Aid kit in the car so I stopped a block away and wrapped her ankle . The kids don 't have to know what happened . " " She will be in a couple of days , " assured his best friend . Then he started to explain the last few hours of his life . " Dr . Varner says it is called Toxic Shock Syndrome . It 's rare , but can cause death if it is not diagnosed quickly . She came across a couple of cases when she lived in Europe . She said . . . " and Roy told his partner everything that he knew , so far . He planned to study up on this condition before next month rolled around . Before he reached down to pick her up , he held her face in his hands and kissed her so gently on her forehead . Then he placed her arms around his neck , put his arms behind her back and under her legs and lifted her up . When they got to bottom of the stairs Joanne said , " Be careful , Roy , that 's a long way to go . " Toxic shock syndrome ( TSS ) is a potentially fatal illness caused by a bacterial toxin . Toxic Shock Syndrome did not become newsworthy in the United States until the late 1970 's and 1980s when Procter and Gamble introduced superabsorbent Rely tampons to the United States market in response to women 's demands for tampons that could contain an entire menstrual flow without leaking or replacement . On 22 September 1980 , Procter and Gamble recalled Rely following release of the CDC report . Those were actual B - Movie titles from the 60s and 70s . The Characters of Emergency do not belong to me . They are the property of Universal Studios and Mark VII Limited . No copyright infringement is intended or monetary gain made . While the characters belong to Universal Studios and Mark VII limited . . . The story 's are the property of the authors . |
Yesterday afternoon I noticed a tumor on the side of my dog . This thing just popped up ! We are almost constantly petting him and giving him belly rubs ; he 's pretty spoiled really . So , I immediately called one of my vets and arranged to bring him in the following morning . He loves going for car rides , all we had to do today was open the door and say , " Let 's go ! " and he jumped right in . He 's really a giant baby . People are very intimidated by him because of his size , 77 pounds / 35 kilos . He 's an American Staffordshire Terrier , so he looks a lot like a pit bull ; they are very close cousins . All this dog wants is to be loved on . We adopted him almost two years ago and he was extremely emaciated and very sick and he had been beaten . The person who had him wanted him to fight , but he just wanted to love . So we got him and he gets lots of love here . Everyone who gets to know him falls in love with him . Well , we get to the vet and she examines his tumor . She is a little worried at first as it is rather large and pretty solid , but it was still movable which was a good thing . She gives him some anesthesia and he slowly started getting sleepy . He didn 't even flinch when he got his shots , he was a perfect boy . I told my vet that I have never had a problem with anyone giving him his vaccinations and that he is special , she told me that he is very special . He put his head on my shoulder and started drifting off until he could no longer sit up and slowly laid down on the table . When he was pretty out of it she gave him a local to numb the area so she could get to work . She didn 't want to put him under completely so he could have a quicker recovery time . Five minutes later we are transferring him to the other room where she has everything set up to get the tumor out . She picks him up to carry him and he whimpers the entire way ! I have never heard him whimper before and I was almost in tears ! I just know that he was confused and didn 't know what was going on and scared . She laid him on the table and I spoke softly to him while petting his big block head . He drifted off even more , his eyes were closed and he was sleeping . She got to work right away . I stayed with him the entire time and my husband was in and out to check on him . He was like a nervous dad ! She got the tumor out and cut it open and looked through it and told me that it didn 't look like it would be cancerous . She suggested that we wait to do a biopsy . If he develops anymore we will have those removed and then biopsy it . I really trust my vet , she greeted Bruno with a big smile today and lots of pets and he even kissed her on the nose ! Just as she got him all stitched up he was starting to wake up . Great timing ! She sent her husband out to buy an ace bandage to put around him as she didn 't have anything long enough to fit around him . We gave him several minutes to look around and know that he was OK and to make sure he wasn 't going to freak out . The vet carried him out to the car for us and laid him gently in the back seat where Bruno slept the whole way home . I picked him up a new brush and a new collar today also . Total cost of everything , including antibiotic injections … under $ 70 ! My vet is an amazing woman and speaks great English . We giggle at each other when she can 't remember a work in English and I can 't remember one in Spanish . We work it out . I can really tell that she loves the animals and wants what 's best for them . I live in the Sarapiqui area and was extremely fortunate yesterday . We were predicted to get between 12 and 18 inches of rain and strong winds ; neither happened here . We were prepared though . We had plenty of bottled water , food , pet food , candles , flashlights , hand sanitizer , baby wipes , first aid kit , and some wine . The hurricane made a turn to the north and all we got was some rain , wind , and a few wind gusts . We were lucky , but other areas weren 't so lucky . Our power did go out for about three and a half hours , but that was it . We also made sure to have a full tank of gas in the car and the pet carriers at the ready . The towns to the north and on the northern caribbean side got the worst of it . The town of Upala was hit really hard . The scouts came by today asking for donations , the only thing that I had on hand was a giant bottle of water that I bought the other day and hadn 't opened . Normally when I get home I unpack things and put them in Tupperware containers because they come in bags and I don 't want to take the chance of the bag ripping open . I wish I had more to give . I 'm thinking of going to the store and buying some things and taking them down to our Red Cross , it 's just down the hill from my house . There are many towns in Nicaragua that got hit really hard as well . There are still some missing people in both countries and several deaths as well . It could have been worse . I am thankful that we were spared the worst of it . But I am sad for the others that have lost so much . You can make donations to the Red Cross of Costa Rica if you would like to help . This is their web page , but it is all in Spanish . http : / / www . cruzroja . or . cr / Yesterday we had a guy show up at our gate asking about the house across the street , it 's vacant now . I used to have the woman 's phone number but couldn 't find it anymore . There is another house down the street that is vacant also and is a little bigger . It took us a while , talking with our neighbor , and a few phone calls , but we finally got the number for the house down the road . It 's a small Tico style house with two bedrooms and a big kitchen , going for 60 , 000 colones a month . The house across the street , we finally found out is no longer being rented but they want to sell it for 15 million colones ; I wouldn 't give you 5 million for it . It 's in really rough shape . We bought our house just four years ago and only paid 15 million for ours and we have three bedrooms . I wonder what our house would go for now with all the work we have done to it ? The house across the street was being rented for 45 , 000 colones per month , the guy told us that the same house in San Jose would go for around 150 , 000 ; I about fell out of my hammock . Anyways , about the guy . He had been in our town for about three days and working in the pineapple fields , which is really hard work . His family lives in San Jose and he is trying to get them out of there and bring them up here . He said his neighborhood is very dangerous and wants them to be safe . He is only 21 and has three kids , he started early . But I can tell you that he does want to provide for his family , so much so that he resorted to sleeping on the streets just so he could work up here . He said he couldn 't find a job where he lives . Everything he has made he has sent back to his family in the city . He was here for a while , we made him a sandwich and had some coffee . ( We didn 't let him in the house though . ) He was very polite and I really felt sorry for him . My husband did take him to town to write down numbers off the signs for other houses to rent , and we let him charge his cell phone here . I guess today he is working . I just hope that everything works out for him and his family . We headed over to a friends house after that , I had some things that I needed to return . Turns out that one of our friends had broken several toes and another bone in his foot . Poor guy is on crutches now . Today we took him over my crutches to use because they are much lighter than the wood ones . We let them know that if they need to go anywhere to just call us , he is the only one with a license in the family and he can 't drive now . Friday , my cleaning lady never showed up . We waited and waited . This was very unusual for her , she always let me know if she wasn 't going to make it before . Turns out she was babysitting for her neighbors . So she showed up Saturday but I had an appointment for another ultrasound for my thyroid . I told her not to worry about it . I went for my ultrasound at another clinic I found that was a lot closer to where I live and a lot cheaper . I had been noticing what felt like another lump in my thyroid , but this time on the right side . Turns out I was right , I now have another tumor in it . This makes three now . But they are all still pretty small , just bothersome . If I talk a lot my voice starts to go hoarse . One of my friends was joking with me today and said that makes me the perfect woman . I couldn 't help but laugh and I know that he was only kidding with me . After all , I had been picking on him for breaking his toes playing soccer . He is like a brother to me . As for the area I live in , Sarapiqui , it has been extremely hot here these past few weeks . It has been getting into the upper 90 's , which is unusual for here . Even the locals are in disbelief at how hot it 's been . We haven 't been getting the rain like we normally do this time of year either . It 's made it difficult to cook or bake anything in the house as we don 't have A / C . When it does rain I may just run outside and dance in it . The little beach areas at the river have been packed on the weekends with everyone trying to cool off . I looked at it today and was very tempted to go home , put on some swimming clothes and jump in . I haven 't been down there in a while . I really feel sorry for my cats and dogs though , it 's almost impossible for them to cool off . I did start painting again , but now I am out of canvas . I did a geometric design in oil and an abstract in acrylic . Looks like I will have to keep painting in acrylic because I can 't find oils where I live . Acrylic is easy to clean up though too , plus you don 't get the smell from the oil or the paint thinner . Would like to sell them to help cover the costs of a few things . ( Like saving up for surgery . ) In order to keep painting though I will need to take another drive to Guapiles , which is about an hour away , to get more canvas . It 's a heck of a lot cheaper there compared to what I found here . I can get it for 1 , 000 in Guapiles and around here it 's over 3 , 500 for the exact same size . Well , that 's what 's been going on in my little corner of Costa Rica . Not much really . We have been to a couple of get - togethers with friends and met some more wonderful people . It 's very relaxing here and I have started reading another John Grisham novel . We are trying not to do a whole lot because we don 't know how much my surgery will be , we will be self paying for it . Until Mañana , Pura Vida ! Well I finally went and saw an endocrinologist today . He was a very nice doctor at Hospital Clinica Biblica . He went over everything with me and spoke really good English . He was really surprised that my public doctor wanted me to have the biopsy done with how small the tumor is , but he stated that it was a very good thing that she had me do it . There are some cells in the biopsy that are very questionable at this point . Basically , it is a 50 / 50 chance that it could still be cancerous . He knows the doctor very well that did the lab work for the biopsy and was surprised to see him even give the recommendation to have it surgically biopsied . He said this is very unusual at this stage . He doesn 't want to jump right in and do surgery on me ; especially with how many I have had done already . I went over my surgeries with him and I thought he was going to fall out of his chair as I went down the list . Three eye surgeries , Tonsils and adenoids ; plus a cyst that was found , Wisdom teeth , gall bladder , appendix , bilateral lipomas four times , sinus surgery three times , plus countless removals of cysts . I think I am trying to see what all I can live without . And that is not even the complete list of stuff done . So , I have a list of blood work that needs to get done . I will be having that done through the public system as it doesn 't take too long to get the appointment and get the results back . Then next month my specialist wants me to have the ultrasound done again . He said I can e - mail him all the test results and if I have any questions I can e - mail him anytime . My next appointment with him is in June , if all the test results are fine . If things change I will probably be going to see him sooner . He has ordered me to relax , no exceptions ! He said if it is cancerous I still don 't need to worry because it is easily treatable . I know that it is , but it still makes me worry . The doctor spent a very long time with me today and made sure that I understood everything . Total cost of today 's appointment , with no insurance , was under $ 100 and this was at one of the best hospitals in the country . He didn 't order any unnecessary tests , or prescribe any unnecessary medication . He is taking it one step at a time to make sure that surgery is the last option . I like this . Yesterday my husband and I had our wedding here in Costa Rica . It was amazing . We never had a wedding before , we went to Las Vegas and got married . We took turns driving from Cincinnati and drove straight through ; it was 2 , 000 miles and took 30 hours . We drove there and back . I figure if we can spend a total of 60 hours in a vehicle together and not want to kill each other , then we were made for one another . I tried planning a wedding back then , but it wasn 't going very well . I had called up my father to ask him to walk me down the aisle and he said , " Why don 't you just go to the justice of the peace and get married ? " Needless to say I was pretty heartbroken . So , we ended up in Las Vegas . That was 11 years ago . Now , with the new law here in Costa Rica you have to produce a new , notarized , apostiled , and translated marriage certificate that is not more than 30 days old when you go to renew your carnet . My husband and I live in a pretty small town of around 8 , 000 people . We got our new residency cards last month , it took us a full 30 days for them to come in . Then we went to renew our carnets , we did not have the marriage certificate , but they didn 't even ask for it . I am not sure if it just because they know us or what . But it never came up and we weren 't going to bring it up . But we still had our wedding and got remarried . It was a beautiful day yesterday , even though it was really hot and humid ; at least it didn 't rain ! We only had about 20 people there , which was perfect for us . We had traditional Costa Rican food that was all homemade by our friends . I did buy a beautiful three tier cake though , which was quit difficult to get it to the wedding . We held the wedding at one of our friends houses , they live on a big property not far from our house . ( We actually used to rent one of the houses on the property . ) My friend asked me a few days before the wedding about decorations . I told her that it wasn 't important to me , just having our friends there is what really mattered . I did buy some balloons though to have put out so people could find the place . When we got there they had the place looking so beautiful for us . They got a tent for outside , put fresh flowers up everywhere , got tables with really nice tablecloths , and had flowers on those too . I was so overwhelmed . I just wasn 't expecting all of that , I got teary eyed . I got to finally toss the bouquet , I always wanted to . My husband and I had our dance , Phil Collins - Groovy kind of love . There wasn 't any rum left over . These people here have become my family . It was a beautiful day with beautiful people and I don 't think I could have been happier . I was so nervous beforehand . But it was very relaxing and really stress free . Everyone was smiling , laughing , and having a great time . I 'm glad we had a wedding here with close friends . I couldn 't have asked for a better day . Until mañana , Pura vida ! When we moved here almost five years ago we rented a fully furnished house , if you could call it that . We stayed in that house for three months and came to realize that the person we were renting from was pretty much crazy . She was also a control freak . Our house and her house were on the same property and she was not taking care of the property like she said she would in the contract . The only things we brought with us were clothes , a few personal items , and two cats . We had absolutely no furniture . But we had to get out of that house and away from her . We met a nice lady from Germany who had property about a 30 minute drive from where we originally at . There were a total of three houses on the property ; her 's , a nice Tico family who cared for the property , and another house . We decided to go and have a look at the house . It was a cute house , kind of in the jungle and very peaceful . There were a couple of tables in the house that we could use , a couple of stools , and a couple of office chairs with the backs missing . We had also bought two plastic chairs at a supermarket one day and took them to the new house . We pretty much had nothing . No plates , silverware , stove , cookware , bed , glasses , or anything else . There was another nice family that we had met while living in the first house ; they were from South Africa . They loaned us so many things and gave us a lot of stuff . They gave us plates , silverware , a couple of cooking pots , a small folding table , and a mattress ; they also loaned us a washing machine . One thing that we were definitely missing was a refrigerator . We went three months without one . We borrowed a cooler and traded out ice bottles with the Tico family living next to us . Everyday I would go over there and exchange the bottles and they would let me keep meat in the freezer until I needed it . This family has become like family to us . It was kind of sad when we moved out and bought a house of our own . But we still see them often , this is actually where we are having our wedding at . My neighbor across the street was gone for many months taking care of her sister . She would come back and bring stuff back to the house but would never stay . During the time that she was gone her utilities got shut off . I am not sure if it was just because she could not pay them with where she was at or what . Her sister passed away last week and she has been here ever since with her brother . She came over the other day asking if she could get a few big rocks out of our yard . ( We had plenty left over from the fence building we just got done . ) Turns out she is using the rocks for a fire pit in her back yard to do some cooking on . But I thought about it for a minute and realized that she had no way to keep anything cold . My husband and I had bought a cooler not that long ago , we hadn 't even used it yet . So we decided to ask her if she wanted to borrow it . I already had a bottle of ice in the freezer , I always keep one there in case the power goes out . She was so happy with the cooler and ice . Yesterday when I took a new bottle over she gave me a t - shirt for my husband , it 's really awesome . We definitely weren 't expecting anything in return , after all someone had done this for us . Then later last night she brought over some ice cream and a fresh pineapple thanking us again . It 's so sweet . I did tell her that someone had done this for us before and I know how it is . We charged up a couple of flashlights for her also . I just feel this is how neighbors should treat each other . With respect and helping each other out in a time of need . We have some really good people in our neighborhood , all Ticos except us . I love the small town feel and how good people are to each other here . Kind of like when I had my surgery , my other neighbor brought me over something to eat everyday for a week . That is usually something reserved for family . I love it here and don 't want to be anywhere else . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! I got the results yesterday , it 's good new but not great news . It 's NOT cancer ! That is such a relief . But I did sit down and talk to one of the doctors at the clinic about the results . There is some stuff still going on with the tumor and it is causing problems for me . He is thinking that it is causing some hyperthyroidism and I need treatment for that and then I need to have the tumor removed completely and biopsied again . I really do not want another surgery but it seems I don 't have a choice in this . The doctor wanted to me to go and see my regular doctor , but we were about an hour away from home and it was getting late . It was a really long day yesterday , and it 's already been a long one today . We had dropped the car off for a radiator flush and then went to see if our new cedula cards had come in . After waiting a month we finally had them ! This is the longest it has ever taken . The radiator flush ended up only costing us under $ 24 , way cheap for that . Then we went to Pequeño Mundo to return a couple of shirts , and of course I picked up some more dark chocolate espresso bars . After that we stopped by the clinic and got the test results . I am still not sure how I am feeling about it . I know I should be happy that it 's not cancer , but I just still feel down about everything . Maybe it 's because of having to face another surgery . I hate having my neck touched , and to think of someone having to cut into it just freaks me out . Then on the way home we get a flat . We just bought these tires in December . But something definitely cut the tire causing it . So we pull over , my husband and I get out and he starts getting everything out of the trunk . He pulls out the spare tire … that one is flat too . This is not fun . I started calling some people , but they are either not close by or didn 't answer . About then is when someone pulled over to help . We loaded both tires in the trunk and I rode with him to get air in the spare and to see about patching the other one . I got that done and it only cost $ 8 , I bought the guy who stopped a small soda and asked him how much for the ride there and back , $ 6 . Not bad , I will take that . We finally get the spare on , we decided we didn 't feel safe with the patched tire , and we finally made it home . I got up early this morning to go and see my regular doctor . I didn 't even think about this being Holy Week . Everyone in the town is trying to get in before the clinic closes on Thursday and Friday . There were no more appointments left for today . This is actually the first time this has happened to me . So , I will get up earlier tomorrow and see about getting one . ( Thursday , I am sleeping in ! ) We went and picked up some more materials for our fence that we are building and then went and got a new tire . Turns out when we got the flat we bent the rim also . At least we have a full size spare so it 's not too bad . My husband then took me to the other clinic to see about refilling my medicine . Now , we just got our new cedulas yesterday . Our carnet , which is like an insurance card , expired with the old cedula . We couldn 't get a new carnet without a new cedula . Even though we have our cedulas and proof that we paid for the insurance , they wouldn 't let me refill my medication . Even after I explained to the woman why I didn 't have the new carnet . So , I said " F " it and had my husband take me to the pharmacy and paid out of pocket for it . It was about $ 16 . That was actually less than my co - pay in the States . He asked me if I wanted to go back to our clinic to see if we could get the new carnets today ; nope , just take me home so I can relax . It can take several hours of waiting to get a new carnet and I was already frustrated . So , that has been my yesterday and today . I am tired and grumpy right now . I am thinking of taking a nap , or taking up drinking . I haven 't decided yet . Until Mañana , Pura Vida ! I would recommend paying your exit tax before getting to the border , it is much easier and it was $ 9 . There is a place to pay it in Los Chiles next to the bus terminal which is across the street from Gollo , it is at a little soda . You can pay it at the border , but it is done at a machine , which is similar to an ATM machine , and it will be the same as doing a cash advance on your bank or credit card . I know many banks charge an extra fee for this and you cannot get money out of this machine . When you go up to the office there is a tent outside with a table and a couple of border police there . You need to show them your passport , they will write down your name and passport number . You will need to fill out the form for leaving , make sure to take a pen with you . Next you will go to a window marked " Salida " , this is for leaving Costa Rica . There you show them your exit tax form and the form you filled out inside the building . After that you will proceed to the border . There is another tent with two border police at it , you need to show your passport again here . After that you can finally get to the Nicaragua border . You walk through a gate and show your passport to the guard . You continue up to the building where there is another tent with a table and some more border police , again you must show your passport and you will need to fill out a form for entering Nicaragua , it is the exact same form that you filled out for leaving Costa Rica . ( Get used to filling this form out ) Next you will pay your entrance fee for Nicaragua , $ 12 . Now you can finally be on your way . It is the exact same procedure for leaving Nicaragua , the exit tax is $ 2 . I would recommend having local currency for Nicaragua , it would have really made things a lot easier there . I was told to bring US dollars and that is what I did , so everywhere we went it was a matter of pulling out the calculator or phone to do the conversion . There are vans at this border crossing now and they will take you to San Carlos , Nicaragua for $ 3 or 70 Cordobas . $ 3 is more than 70 Cordobas . The ride up there took us about 40 minutes . They dropped us off and told us that they would be running about every 30 minutes , this is not entirely true , they run when they have a full van . Remember that the border does close at 4pm . The lake and water front was very beautiful . The breeze was very strong , but the heat was unbearable . Even in the shade it was ungodly hot with the breeze . We did have a nice lunch for cheap and picked up a few items . My friends got some alcohol and some gifts for family . I got my husband a wooden hand painted turtle , and I got myself some ibuprofen . I know it sounds weird , but it was extremely cheap there . I didn 't like the market , it was too dark and dingy for me and it seemed that all the stuff was of really low quality . Then there were the guys walking around selling jewelry and belts , and no matter how many times you said no if they seen you again they would still ask . I had one guy shoving spices in my face . I really didn 't like it there . I am thankful for the experience though . I am not judging all of Nicaragua based on this one experience in this one town . I have heard that other towns are very nice and would possibly like to visit those someday . But if you have to do a border crossing to renew your visa , this one is very easy to do . Just cross over , take the van , and then grab some lunch and come back . I got some good news yesterday . My blood test results came back normal . This was the thyroid hormone test . So , maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel . Just still waiting on that biopsy result . I also had a cyst removed yesterday on my back . I believe I am genetically cursed with these things . The worst part about the hole procedure is getting the anesthesia injection to numb the area . I could tell that part way through the procedure it was starting to wear off . I didn 't complain because I definitely didn 't want another shot . He got it completely out and even showed it to me . They all kind of giggled when I said , " Cool . " I do have a medical degree so these things rarely gross me out , I usually find them fascinating . I got three stitches in my back and I go back in a week to get them removed . ( I don 't know what it is either but every time I get stitches the first one always pulls out , it doesn 't matter who does them or where I get them done at . ) He put me on some antibiotics to prevent infection . All of this was covered by the public healthcare system that we pay into . My husband was right there by my side the entire time yesterday ; just like when I had the biopsy done . He is such a great man and I feel so lucky to have him . Also , he has been making sure to wash my wound for me since I can 't really get to it . Tomorrow I am going to Nicaragua with some friends . My husband told me that I need a vacation after this week ! I agree . This is my first time making the border crossing and I will be sure to tell you all about it . We are just heading up to San Carlos for the day . I am hoping to find something special for my husband , he is staying home with the furry children . I am looking forward to going , just not looking forward to getting up before the sun . Until mañana , Pura Vida ! We got up this morning around 7 , that is a little early for me . I usually get up around 8 . It is difficult for me to get a good night sleep because my back always hurts so I am always changing positions during the night . We had our coffee and a bowl of cereal , yup I still eat cereal , and then headed out around 8 . My appointment was set between 11 and 1 , but we were expecting heavy traffic . Of course today , there wasn 't any traffic on the way there , there was a road closure so we thought there would be more but in fact there was less . We get to Guapiles early and went and made the house payment at the bank . Actually got in and out of the bank quickly today . Then we decided that since we still had plenty of time we would head over to the Maxi Pali and do some shopping . There was a tour bus in the parking lot and a whole bunch of gringos in the store . I am not used to being out in public with a bunch of people from the US around me . From there we stopped by the vet and stocked up on cat food for the month . Some things are a little cheaper in Guapiles than where we live so we stock up on those few things for the month . After that we headed to the clinic . The same greeter was there again , always smiling , she walked us over to the counter to get registered and to pay . Total cost of the biopsy was less than $ 250 , cheaper than our monthly insurance premium in the States . Then we waited . We did wait quite a while until I got called back . My husband went in with me . I had the same , very nice , gentleman that I had before for my ultrasound . He remembered me and made sure to speak English , even his assistant spoke good English . He sat me down on the edge of the bed and got me to relax , he knew I was nervous . My legs hung off the end and I had a pillow under my back so it made my head lean really far backwards ; this makes it easier for him to do the ultrasound and biopsy . He found the tumor again , it is still the same size . Then he took the needle and inserted it into my neck . Keep in mind that I had no numbing agent either . I felt a little pinch going in , not so bad . But then he had to take the needle and move it in and out a little to collect the cells , he did tell me everything he was going to do before he even started the ultrasound so I was prepared . The needle was going in and out , think of a plunging motion , and boy did it start to hurt . I wasn 't allowed to talk or even to swallow , I had to stay perfectly still . My husband was next to me holding my hand , more like me squeezing his hand really hard . At one point I noticed tears in my eyes , but I stayed still . I just kept twirling my feet . He pulled the needle out , then informed me that he had to do it again because he didn 't get a big enough sample . I wanted to cry at this point . But I went through it again . I remember feeling myself tense up and he would calmly tell me to relax , then I would take a deep breath and try to relax a little . It worked . He finally collected a big enough sample to send to the lab . He got a paper towel and wiped off my neck and he and my husband help to get me in a sitting position . I got so dizzy at that point . I was so hot too . My neck was super stiff and it hurt to turn my head to the side . The technician told me to take all the time I needed , there was no rush . He was very polite the whole time . Even as I was leaving he did the tradition Costa Rica farewell of a small hug and a kiss on the cheek and shook my husbands hand . This is not anything that I would wish upon anyone , but it was a good experience . The staff and personnel at this clinic are absolutely amazing . Now we just play the waiting game on the test results . Anywhere between 10 and 15 days . If they call , it 's not good news . If they don 't call , it 's good news . These next two weeks are going to take forever . Until mañana , pura vida ! |
I woke to the smell of coffee . My eyes drifted open and my surroundings came into focus . The color on the walls and the slant of the ceiling was familiar but but I felt out of place . My waking thought was , this used to be my home but I no longer live here . As the rest of my brain woke up , I remembered where I was and why . The last time I was woken up , I laid in my own bed in my own apartment . My cell phone rang and my groggy hand knocked it off of my night stand in a failed attempt to make it stop . I rolled out of bed and hunted for the phone under my bed by feel . I could not lay hands on the phone , which was ringing for a second time . I laid flat on the floor so I could see under the box spring . The glow from my phone 's LCD screen was visible in the gloomy darkness under my bed . I grabbed the phone and brought it close enough to read the caller ID . The number had the prefix for a Beckham County phone number . I flipped open my phone and answered sleepily . My heart began to pound . My mother still lived in Kiln Valley . My breathing began to quicken to match my pulse . I felt dizzy so I propped myself against my bed for stability . " He asked me to call you because we have a suspect at a crime scene and the uh , " Thompson searched for the right words . " The uh , circumstances of the victim and the suspect are such that we could use your assistance . I am told you are familiar with the suspect . " I walked over to the chair and pulled a small notebook from the inside pocket . There was a short pen clipped to the spine . I flipped to the first blank page , clicked the tip of the pen out , and put the pen to the paper . Here in my familiar room , I sat up and looked at window . The blinds were closed but sunlight leaked around them to gently illuminate the room with the quality of moonlight . I could make out the posters on the wall , still where I hung them back in high school . My desk was still in the same place , adorned with a few trophies and framed photographs . I swung my legs over the side of the bed and put my feet on the wood floor of my old bedroom . I took a deep breath and rubbed my neck . The pillow I used when I was eighteen years old was not as supportive as the memory foam one I had in my apartment in Coeur d ' Alene . The ache along the upper part of my spine reminded me that my neck wasn 't in as good of shape as the last time I used that old pillow . There was no mistaking the smell of coffee that drifted up the stairs . I pulled on my pants and threw on the white t - shirt I wore last night and prepared to go downstairs . After the call from Thompson , I drove to Kiln Valley . I arrived at the familiar address and I helped the police there bring my oldest friend in to custody . Although I had wanted to stay and help her , I was forced to leave her in the care of the KVPD and the Beckham County Sheriff 's Office . I got into my car , started the engine , and almost put the car into gear when I realized I didn 't know where to go . It was obvious that I would be no further help to Nicole here at the station . I wracked my brain , trying to think of what I could do for her . I was reminded of the criminal justice and forensics conference I attended in Spokane a few months ago . There was a defense attorney who headed a panel that discussed the responsibility of the police departments in handling domestic violence incidents . The same attorney went on to speak to the entire conference about the ideas that he and a group of attorneys across the country had regarding changes to the legislation around murder . They proposed changes to the law that allow for more equal treatment of women , specifically those women charged with assaulting or murdering the men who had abused them . When the speech was over , I approached Robert Otis and we talked for a while . I invited him to the cafe in front of the convention center for a cup of coffee . I had been lobbying my department for better resources for victim services and recently the chief had put me in charge of training our officers and detectives on the methods of properly handling and documenting cases of domestic violence as well as rudimentary counseling and advice that could be provided to the victims to help them cope as well as to help them make changes to avoid being a victim again . Mr . Otis was interested in seeing how our efforts worked out over time and said if I ever had any questions or needed his help to call his cell phone . He handed me a business card , which I put in my jacket pocket . Later , as I got into my car and prepared to drive home from Spokane , I put the card in my glove box . The back of the card had a color photograph of Robert Otis with a thoughtful look on his face . The front had his address , desk phone , and his cellular phone number . I dialed the number and listened to it ring while I stared at the face on the back of the card . The line stopped ringing and I was sent to a voice mail greeting . I hung up and dialed again . Otis ' phone rang again until the same unemotional voice mail greeting snapped into my ear . I hung up and dialed once more . A groggy but confident voice answered . " Right , I 'm sorry to bother you so late . Or early . Anyways , I have a case you might be interested in and I would like to hire you . " I sat in my car for a minute after talking to Robert Otis . I was exhausted and I did not feel like driving over the mountain pass and to my apartment in Coeur d ' Alene . Instead , I put the car in drive , exited the parking lot , and drove towards my old house in the cul - de - sac where I grew up . I got out of my car , grabbed the small shaving kit I kept in the glove box , and shut the door . When I turned towards my house , I could not help but look at the house next door . The house where Nicole had lived when we were younger was in need of a coat of paint . The yard was in decent shape , but only because my mom took care of it to stop the weeds from overtaking her own . There were no lights on but I caught a glimmer of light reflected off of the cut glass in the old front door and I was reminded of all the times I watched Nicole look at me from the other side of that window . I walked up the steps to the front porch of my parents house . I rang the doorbell and then immediately knocked . I could not remember if my mom had fixed the doorbell since the last time I visited . The old porch swing hung to the left of the door . The chains that suspended it creaked as a soft breeze pushed the seat back an inch or two . I let my mom pull my face down where she could kiss my cheek . She turned and walked into the house and I followed her in . I shut and locked the door behind me . My mother stood in the kitchen with one hand on the counter next to the fridge . She walked up to me and held her arms out to hug me . I wrapped my arms around her and gave her a squeeze . She patted my back like she used to when I was little and then backed up . I gave her a half smile and made my way up the stairs to my old room . I opened the door of my bedroom , walked across the hall to the bathroom and looked in the mirror . I was visibly tired . Blue green crescents hung below my eyes , the whites of which were run with red . My face was covered in stubble and my hair was a mess . I turned from the mirror and used the toilet . I turned back to the sink , washed my hands , and splashed some water on my ragged face . I left the bathroom and made my way down the stairs . The bottom of the stairs fell between the living room and the dining room . My mother sat in a recliner in the living room in a robe and slippers . The television was tuned to CNN with the audio muted . She had a cup of coffee on the end table next to her and was holding a newspaper up with both hands . I walked to the kitchen , poured some coffee into my cup and opened the fridge . I grabbed a half gallon of whole milk , opened the paper spout , and poured some into my coffee . The milk disappeared into the dark coffee and then rebounded in curling cloud . When the color of my coffee looked right , I stopped pouring and replaced the carton to it 's shelf in the fridge . I carried my cup to the living room . I walked past my father 's chair and took a seat on the couch nearest my mother . I took a drink of coffee and set the cup down on the same end table as my mother 's cup . I leaned forward , put my elbows on my knees , and rested my face in my hands . My mom folded the paper and smiled at me . I doubted the paper would have anything in it about what happened the previous night . The police would not release any information to the press until they had to and the neighbors ' reports of the emergency vehicle activity would probably not make it into today 's edition . " Hoskins called me to help bring her in to custody . She was still sitting on the body when the cops showed up . They needed me to talk her down so evidence didn 't get ruined . " " You and I both know that , " I said and sat back in the couch . " But she will have a hard time explaining it to a jury . I have a feeling she will be going to jail for a long time . " " No , but I 'm not sure he can even get in to see her . She has to declare her lawyer to the police or they will arrange a public defender . That will take hours if not a couple days . " My phone rang and I was startled to find it was still in my pocket . It was an Eastern Washington number , I recognized it as Robert Otis ' cell phone . I stood up , walked to the window that looked out into our back yard and answered the call . " Well , yes . I have reviewed the police report and from what you told me last night this is exactly the kind of case I want to take . I think for now we should just talk about covering my expenses and we can talk about fees later . " " Well , your father didn 't leave me much but he did leave this house . Bought and paid for . If it means getting Nicole the best defense lawyer you can find , we 'll just get a loan on it . I 'm old enough for reverse mortgage or we can maybe do some kind of equity loan . " I looked at my mom and tried to smile . But the stress and the fear that had been pushing me onward collapsed . The relief I felt at knowing that Nicole had a decent lawyer and that we had funding if it would come to that left me deflated . I looked at my mom and tried to blink back the tears that had been building after my phone call with Mr . Otis . The tears fell anyway . They left cool tracks down my cheeks and dripped onto the legs of my pants . I stood in front of the closet in my bedroom . It was covered by two sliding door panels . When you opened one , it would either hide behind or pass in front of the other panel . One panel to my closet was always open . The hanger rod on this side of my closet held my many t - shirts and hoodies , a few pull - over sweaters , and a warm Army - surplus coat . The floor was covered with a few pairs of boots , all in black , and a couple pairs of Chuck Taylor rip - offs from the cheap shoe store in the mall in Coeur d ' Alene . On the shelf above the hanger rod was a stack of old toys and the blanket I used to sleep with when I was a baby . The other side of my closet was almost never opened . The only time this side of my closet saw the light was after Christmas or my birthday . On those occasions I would unavoidably get clothes from my mom and from her mother before she died . They always bought me " nice " clothes . To them , they were clothes that would look pretty on me . To me , it was clothes that would make me look like every other girl in my school . Every item was much too colorful , too tacky , or too trendy for me . Whenever I would unwrap one of mom or grandma 's presents , I would smile and say thank you . Later , I would take the clothes to my room , hang them carefully on a hanger , and put them into the side of my closet that I never opened . As Trevor and I left our neighborhood , I sat and steamed in the passenger seat of his car . I was so angry at my father for leaving my mother alone that I couldn 't even talk to Trevor , who had tried to start up a conversation with me a couple times . As we made our way through the Fur Trap , it occurred to me that I had left my mother too . I had left to go drinking with my friend . The realization came to me as we passed The Old Mill , which was one of the places my dad would often go to drink beer and hustle tourists on the pool tables . I turned my head to look into the big windows that faced the street but I did not see my father . My anger turned to sadness and guilt . Trevor saw my attitude change and he apologized for not being able to give me a ride after school . I told him not to worry about it and then I told him about my mom . I told him about her arm . I told him that I thought my father did it . Trevor didn 't really know what to say , but he asked if my dad had ever hurt me and it made me feel good to think he was concerned about my well being . He turned on to the road that led up the side of " snob hill " and the engine revved with the effort of the climb . The higher we climbed , the houses got bigger and farther apart . When we reached the top of the hill , Trevor turned into a cul - de - sac that was packed with cars . There was only one house on the right side of the street and every window was glowing with bright light . I could see people walking up the street toward the party . The house on the left looked dark . Many of the people that lived here only occupied their houses in the summer so it was very possible the neighbors weren 't even home . I stood next to the station wagon and listened to the engine adjust to the cool night air . The pings and ticks of the cooling metal blended with the music and laughter that drifted from across the street . I had never been in a house that big and I marveled at the size of it . I knew from school gossip that Jerrad was an only child . That meant Jerrad , his mom , and his father were the only occupants of the house that was easily five times the size of my home . My parents ' house was a veritable hovel in comparison . I was struck with a sudden urge to get back into the car and go back to our neighborhood . Trevor was already halfway across the street . He turned , smiled at me , and said something back . I couldn 't actually make out his reply . My heartbeat had increased in volume and I could barely hear his voice over the thrum of the blood moving through my circulatory system . I didn 't need to hear Trevor 's words . I read the smile on his face and the look of excitement in his eyes . For me , this party was an obligation . For Trevor , it was vindication . He was finally in the " cool guy " club and he could not wait to join the party . I jogged across the street to meet him on the curb and we both walked across the lawn towards the front step . We passed a group of kids smoking weed and I couldn 't help but wonder if the dope they were smoking was bought from Tim Morneau , David 's brother . One boy took a huge hit and I watched his eyes bug out as he tried to hold it in for effect . The pipe was passed and the next kid held it to his lips and struck a Bic lighter . I couldn 't help but feel sorry for those kids . They were desperately trying to be cool but they were more likely to share a respiratory infection . We made it to the front step and Trevor exchanged hand shakes and palm slaps with a couple other jocks . I made a remark about how latently homosexual that stuff was . Per usual , it completely went over Trevor 's head . As we walked up to the front door , I could feel the music in my chest . The music was accompanied by a constant chatter of teenage voices . I was reminded of the cafeteria at school . There was a collection of adolescent male voices boasting and fronting the manhood they desired to project . There was a chorus of piping female voices trying to be heard above the din , tempered with the attempt at sounding like they couldn 't care less . When Trevor and I entered the front door , we were slammed in the face with the sight , sound , and smell of a hundred teenagers trying desperately to fit in and stand out at the same time . I looked at Trevor and I saw his face change from excited to nervous . I 'm not sure what he expected to see when he walked into this place but I think his senses were bombarded with a sudden deluge of dancing , music , and perfume . I saw his eyes scan the room and I noticed they landed on the sliding glass door that led from the dining room out onto an expansive patio . Trevor took my hand and began to lead me through the crowd of children and over to the freedom of the open door . As we passed the crush of bodies , I started to recognize classmates . It was difficult to reconcile the faces I saw to the people with whom I went to school . The women I saw dancing to the beat of the music were older . They wore makeup and revealing clothing that would never pass the dress code of Kiln Valley High School . The men wore the hard expressions of someone that had worked all day and had come to drink and compete with other men for the attention of a woman . It was like I had accidentally stepped through a time portal and arrived at my twenty - year high school reunion . The tragedy was that these kids were not twenty years past their prime . They were in their prime . They were living the times of their lives and all they wanted was to look older . To be older . I smiled to myself at the idea that in twenty years , all of these people would be trying to look younger and would be wishing they had more thoroughly enjoyed the years of high school before being tossed onto the slag heap of adulthood . Jerrad Griffith leaned against the railing of his porch . His arm was around a girl I should know from school . Her face was unrecognizable beneath the makeup and the bored expression she wore . Jerrad was talking to an older man . I eventually recognized the older man as his father , Jonathan Griffith . Jonathan Griffith was the richest man in town . He came to Kiln Valley at a time when the mine 's profitability was starting to falter and real estate values were low . He started an investment firm that bought up property around the town , including the mountain above the mine . When the mining business started to falter , Mr . Griffith was there to buy up the mine 's property for a song . The mountain above town was now the Silver Ridge ski resort and the property that Jonathan bought for cheap was developed into condos , restaurants , and shops that catered to the people that came to Kiln Valley to ski and snowboard . The older man greeted Trevor and the men talked about football . I didn 't really hear a word of it . I gave Jonathan Griffith my best uncertain look and pulled the bottle of schnapps out of my hoodie pocket . I took the plastic wrapper off the neck and handed it to Trevor . I opened the cap , took a swig , and turned my uneasy eye on the younger Mr . Griffith . Jerrad Griffith was wearing a tight t - shirt that showed off the musculature of his shoulders . His hair was dyed blond and spiked in a Californian surfer style . He on had a stylishly - loose pair of jeans that probably cost more then my family spent on groceries last week . The bored girl said something about dancing and dragged Jerrad away to the crowded house . Trevor and I watched them make their way to the dance floor . We were having another conversation about the latent homosexuality inherit in football when I noticed that Trevor was still watching the other couple dance . I turned and walked across the porch . I entered the kitchen , gave a disdainful look at the dance floor , and turned right in search of a bathroom . The truth was , I didn 't really have to use the toilet . I had taken a few drinks of the schnapps in a short time and my head was swimming with the effect of the alcohol and the anxiety of being around so many people . I was also a little bothered by the look in Trevor 's eyes when he watched Jerrad dancing with that girl . I found a bathroom but there was a line of people outside . Since I didn 't really have to go , I just walked past and found myself in a hallway with doors on either side . These were probably bedrooms , although one was likely to be a linen closet . I found myself at the end of the hallway . I was shielded from the onslaught of the sound system and there weren 't any people here so I leaned against the door at the end of the hallway for a few minutes . After I collected myself , I decided to return to Trevor and hoped that he was still on the porch where it was cool and less densely - populated . I wandered back through the kitchen and out onto the porch . Trevor was still there . He was holding out a match to light a cigarette for Jerrad 's girlfriend . She reached up and took his hand in hers to bring the match to the tip of her cigarette . They looked into each other 's eyes while she puffed the cigarette to life . When she leaned back , I swore I saw a look of yearning in Trevor 's eyes . He enjoyed her touch . He enjoyed her closeness . I was disgusted . I walked up quietly in my imitation Converse and reached into Trevor 's coat pocket to find the pack of Marlboro Reds . I tore open the pack and handed the plastic wrap to Trevor . I snatched the matches out of his hand . I tried to light one of the matches but it died immediately after the white fuel on the tip burned off and I didn 't have time to get the flame to my cigarette . I tried to light another match , but this one wouldn 't even sputter to life . I angrily tossed the useless match over the balcony railing and got a third match ready . It sputtered to life and I managed to singe the end of my cigarette with it but I was unable to actually get it lighted . He reached into his pocket and produced a shiny Zippo lighter . He opened it and lit it with a flourish . I leaned in to put the tip of my cigarette to the flame and puffed until I felt the hot smoke erupt from the filter and into my mouth . I can 't say for certain , but I think he winked at me . If he didn 't wink at me , he looked like he wanted to . His smile was wide and his blue eyes looked into me in a way that made me feel simultaneously nervous and excited . Jerrad put the lighter back into his pocket and I saw that his girlfriend 's face had changed from bored to spiteful . I glanced at Trevor 's face . He looked sad or concerned . I grabbed the bottle from him and tipped it up as if I was taking a large swig . In reality I took only a little sip . This evening was proving to be more dangerous than I had assumed it would be and I needed a clear head . Trevor and Jerrad talked about football . The bored , sneering girl and I looked everywhere but at each other . After the football conversation had exhausted itself , Jerrad excused himself for the the bathroom . I felt a wave of relief when I hear Trevor say we were about to leave . Trevor and I left the party . We drove down from snob hill in silence and listened to the air rushing past Trevor 's open driver side window . When we pulled up into his drive way , he cranked up the window and sighed . I opened the passenger door and stood up into the cool night . Trevor got out of the car and carefully shut his door so it wouldn 't wake his mother . I followed suit and shut my door quietly . I walked around the hood of the car and approached Trevor . I hurried away from Trevor and jogged to my front door . I opened it and walked into my house to find it dark and quiet . I shut the door and walked quietly up the stairs to my room . When I opened the door to my room , I walked up to my closet and kicked off my sneakers . I took off my hoodie and hung it on an empty hanger . I pulled off my jeans and stood in front of my closet in just my t - shirt . I read somewhere that everybody dreams . People who say they don 't dream simply do not remember the dreams when they wake . Light sleepers and people who wake naturally are more likely to remember their dreams . If you use an alarm clock , you are snapped immediately from dream state to waking state and your mind doesn 't have time to commit the dream to memory . For most of my life , I slept like I was dead . Sometimes my alarm clock wasn 't even enough to wake me and my mother would have to come up the stairs to get me up for school . I rarely remembered my dreams . When I moved in with my first boyfriend , I was completely unprepared for how it would effect my sleep . He lived in a condo and everything was different . The smells , sounds , and lighting were so unlike my old room in my mother 's house that I hardly slept . Things did not improve after we were married and we moved into his father 's house . In fact , I had nearly gotten used to the environment of the condo when I suddenly found myself in a strange house with all new scents and distractions . I would wake in the early hours of the night and sit up in bed . My eyes would be focusing on the walls of our bedroom while my mind was still living out some strange scenario from my dream . Sleeping in this jail cell should have required yet another adjustment . It seemed almost ironic that I slept better on the hard bed , surrounded by concrete and steel then I ever did next to my husband . Perhaps it wasn 't so much where I slept that made it easier to come to rest . Perhaps the restlessness from which I suffered for so long was gone because I was mentally free from the pressure and fear of which my married life consisted . Physically I was locked away in jail , but mentally I was completely free of the prison that contained me for the last six years . In my cell , I laid down and slept easily . I woke up when my body was done sleeping and I remembered my dreams almost every time . I kept having one dream over and over . In my dream , I was lying on my bed in my parent 's old house . A strange noise would drift up the staircase from the living room and I would get up to go investigate . I would open my door and the noise would get louder . Every step I took down the stairs would carry me closer to the source of the noise but I couldn 't quite put my finger on what the sound was . I would make it to the landing at the bottom of the stairs and notice that the sound I heard was static coming from the television . From where I stood , I could see a beer can on the end table next to my father 's chair and the remote control on the arm rest . I would cross the living room slowly , the white noise from the TV getting more intense with every step . The air would seem to thicken and as I got closer to the easy chair , my steps began to take more effort . I would summon all of my effort to take one more step and bring me alongside the recliner . I would slowly turn my head . And I would see that my father 's chair was empty . This is when I would normally wake up in my cell . I would sit up , momentarily surprised at the papery clothes on my body . After I realized where I was , I would try to hold on to the memory of the dream . I would sit with my back against the wall of my cell and try desperately to hold on to the vision so I could figure out what happened . Eventually the memory would fade . The sound of the television and the faint smell of cheap beer would dissipate . I would have to give up on my dream and either turn my attention to the bleak surroundings of my cell or to the story I was writing in my head . I sat in just this way when I heard keys jingling outside my door . The door swung open and the young cop from the other day peeked into my cell . He pulled the door the rest of the way open and I saw Robert Otis standing behind him . We walked behind the young policeman , who led us to the interview room . I felt a flush of pride when I remembered how I handled myself in the face of Detective Demarco and I was hoping to have a chance to tell my attorney how well I did . Robert opened the door to the interview room for me and I was suddenly very hungry . On the table was a white paper bag . In the center of the bag was the brown image of an owl , slyly winking one eye . I tore open the bag . Inside I found a cup of crispy tater tots and something big wrapped in white paper . I took the cup out of the bag , set it in front of me , and in a matter of seconds had eaten half of the crunchy potatoes . I reached into the bag to grab what was wrapped in paper . Grease had saturated the paper in places , making it translucent . I unwrapped the parcel and found a cheeseburger dripping with grease and The Brown Owl 's special sauce . My first bite was so big that I almost couldn 't close my mouth to chew it . I somehow managed to take smaller bites going forward and finished the burger . I sat back in my chair and smiled . " Well , " he said looking at his watch . " We have about twenty minutes until you 're due in front of the judge . I am going to step out into the hall and let you put on the clothes I bought . " " And shoes , " he said offhandedly . " Your house is still locked up so I couldn 't get you anything of your own to wear . I guessed at your size , so hopefully it all fits okay . After your hearing , you 'll be transported to County Jail . They 'll take these clothes and put you in a uniform . They 'll let you have these clothes back whenever you leave for trial . " Mr . Otis opened the door and pushed it closed behind him . I swallowed a bit of my lunch that had started to come up and washed it down with a can of Diet Coke I found next to the empty white bag . I leaned across the table and lifted the black plastic bag over the greasy remains of my cheeseburger and set it on my lap . Inside was a soft purple sweater and a pair of gray slacks . A red shoe box was in the bottom of the bag . I opened it to find a pair of shiny black flats . I looked at the door to make sure the little window was closed and cast a worried look over my shoulder at the one way glass on the other wall . I took all the clothes out and set the shoe box on the floor . Underneath the shoe box was a pair of nude - colored knee - high stockings , a comb , a nude - colored bra , and a makeup kit . I made a mental note to thank my lawyer for being so thorough even though I knew I 'd see every penny of this on an expense list later . The expense of my legal representation made me think of Kinsey . I had no idea how he did it but he had arranged for a capable lawyer to take my case . That couldn 't have come cheap and I could only imagine the debt he would owe after this was done . I tore the tags off of the bra and checked the size . It wasn 't perfect , but it would fit . I slipped the paper shirt off and put the bra on as fast as I could , just in case . I lifted the purple sweater and noticed it was a tunic - style sweater that I had seen hundreds of women wear downtown . It wasn 't something I would buy for myself but when I slipped it over my head and looked into the mirror , I saw that it fit nicely . I pulled off my pants and put the slacks on . They were a little big but I preferred that to too small . I pulled on the stockings , put on the sensible flats and crossed the floor to knock on the door . Robert went to the table and sat down . He used a pen to slide the greasy wrappers out of the way and opened a small valise . He took out some sheets of paper and set them side by side . I watched him in the mirror and saw him straighten each one so it was square to the other sheets as well as to the edge of the table . " I know that . What I mean is we can 't plead temporary insanity . We have two choices at this stage in the process and I need you to understand the implications of both of them before you decide . " I did as much as I could with my hair , which was limp and a little greasy . I walked to the table and set the comb down . I picked up the makeup kit and got close enough to the mirror to use it for my face . When I got close enough , I could see the rough outline of chairs in the room on the other side . I was relieved to see that both of them were empty . I looked at Mr . Otis to see he was watching me with an expectant look on his face . " Our first option is to work out a plea agreement with the prosecution . If we plead guilty , we could likely talk them down from a murder charge to manslaughter . Manslaughter takes the death penalty off of the table and carries a much shorter prison sentence than murder . " " Why would that be so impossible ? I can sit in the court room and tell them all under oath that my husband was going to kill me . It would not be a lie . It was only a matter of time until he pushed me too hard or choked me for too long . " " Not exactly . Mr . Kinsey attended a conference at which I was one of two keynote speakers . He came to me after my presentation and told me how impressed he was with my ideas . " " My presentation was about methods of representing women who were abused by their husbands . I spoke about the need for change in the law because it does not provide equal protection to women . I spoke about how when women find themselves in a position where murder is their only way out of an abusive relationship , they are overwhelmingly sentenced to longer jail terms than their victim would have gotten for killing the woman in a drunken rage . After my presentation was done , Mr . Kinsey sought me out and we talked for a while . I gave him my card , which has my cell phone number on it . " My anger abated and I sat down in the other chair . A few years ago , Trevor was given the chance to leave the Kiln Vally Police Department for the Coeur d ' Alene Police Department . Coeur d ' Alene was a much larger city and had the resources for the kind of police program that Trevor had tried and failed to implement at KPD . He was currently a detective for CPD but he headed an unofficial department of " Victim Services " officers that specialized in helping the victims of crimes , especially domestic abuse . " When he left you at the station the other night , Mr . Kinsey called my phone four times in a row . I very nearly didn 't pick up but my wife urged me to answer . I 'm glad she did . " " So , " he started again . " I need you to understand that I am not your friend . I am not here to tell you what you want to hear and I will often say things that will make you angry and make it sound like I am not on your side . But keep in mind that I am the only person that can help you . " " You were telling me that you knew your husband was going to kill you and that you had to do what you did to prevent that from happening . That is self - defense , if you ask me . However the law is not so forgiving and we run a huge risk by pleading not guilty . " " Yes , a huge risk . If we plead guilty to manslaughter , they will sentence you to fifteen to forty - five years in prison . If we plead not - guilty , go to trial , and you are found guilty you will either be sentenced to death or life in prison . " |
For those of you who have read my previous posts , ' The Demonic Animal ' and ' Demonic face on the wall , ' I have yet another story to share with you . I 'm sure most of you must have heard that dogs have a 6th sense . In India , there is a saying that when you hear dogs howl in the middle of the night , it means spirits are roaming about . If you have watched Indian horror movies , you will notice that the main item that will make your spine tremble from top to bottom is the howling of dogs . This incident happened to me recently , I would say a week . The place I 'm staying right now is more like a men 's hostel . In each room , they are at least two to three people staying together . For some , they preferred to take a whole room for themselves . Like me for example , I rented a whole room for myself . That 's because of my previous experiences . My other roommates never respected me . They used to come late at night while I 'm in a deep sleep or at times when their cell phone rang , they preferred to answer the call with me inside the room fast asleep rather than going outside and answering it . Those were the type of roommates I had . That 's the main reason why I chose to rent a room for myself rather than sharing it with someone else . It 's a bit expensive , but I have all the freedom I need . So I guess it 's worth it . A month ago , this new person ( Mr . X ) took a whole room for himself . He was a very strange fellow . He never used to come out of his room ; he had no friends , and nobody in the hostel knows a thing about him . The worst of all , not even his name . But in time , we all managed to keep him out of our heads . At times , I used to see some of the guys asking him if he would like to join us for an evening walk . He never accepted any of our invitations . He just shook his head and walked back into his room . We won 't see him for the whole day after that . But a week ago , his whole life changed . Just last week at three in the morning , while the entire hostel was fast asleep , I heard the most horrifying scream . I jumped out of my bed with my heart in my mouth . I could only imagine this would be the way a human would scream if he encountered death face to face . I didn 't come out of my room until I heard voices of other people outside the corridor . I slowly opened the door and saw people running . I came out slowly . Once I was outside , I could see people trying to break open the door where Mr . X was staying . I wasn 't even sure if it was him screaming . No one could recognize his voice . It sounded more like an animal howling . At last , they managed to break open the door . We saw the strangest thing ever . Mr . X was lying on his bed . He had his hands covering his eyes and he was screaming like a mad man . Some of the guys went over to him and tried to talk some sense into him . I was standing outside his room watching all this happening . Mr . X kept repeating that he was going to die and that this man with red eyes is going to kill him with a knife . The people next to him tried their best to convince him that , nobody was going to kill him and he only had a nightmare . I noticed he was sweating so much . Someone sprinkled water on his face , and he slowly opened his eyes . He was breathing heavily , and he looked so pale that he looked more like a corpse that came out of a zombie movie . It took nearly 40 minutes for him to calm down . Some of the guys tried to change the subject . Some even said jokes . He slowly got his senses back . A friend of mine who was staying in a separate room told him to join him for a small walk outside , just to get some fresh air . Surprisingly , he nodded his head and got up to go out . I too thought of accompanying them , not because I wanted to keep his mind at ease , but I too needed some fresh air . We three went out . The whole street looked like a ghost town . Not a soul outside . It was quiet except for the breeze and the leaves scraping against each other . The moon was so bright that night . My friend was in the middle ; I was walking on his left side , and Mr . X was walking on the right side . While we were walking down this particular lane , I had this bad feeling . It was more like fear . I had no idea for being scared for no reason . But I knew something was not right . Suddenly out of nowhere , from the shadows , at least 6 to 8 dogs circled us . We all just froze . It took me some time to realize that these dogs were only looking at Mr . X and not us . My friend and I tried to shoo them away , but they would not even budge . We decided to move away slowly but the dogs would growl , and it looked like they would pounce on us any moment . We three just stood there for like a minute , and suddenly all hell broke loose . The dogs started to bark furiously . It was like they would tear us all apart any second . But my friend and I noticed that the dogs weren 't barking at us but only at Rahul . And what 's worse , something didn 't look right with Rahul . We couldn 't see his eyes properly . We couldn 't see the iris , just the white part . We could see his teeth , and he was biting it down hard . Now here 's the scary part . The dogs weren 't just barking at Mr . X only . They were barking at someone else standing at his right side . I turned around thinking there was someone behind us but the whole street was empty . At times few of the dogs would jump back like as if someone was trying to shoo them away . I was rooted to the road and trembling with fear . We stood there motionless for like a minute and then my friend suddenly turned around and ran for his life . Seeing him running away made me turn around and run . I never ran so hard in my life since I finished high school . My friend was running in front of me , and I was running right behind him . We didn 't even stop to help Mr . X or turn back to see if the dogs were following us or if they were tearing him apart . We didn 't stop till we reached our rooms . I ran into my room , locked the door and put all the lights on in my room . I jumped onto my bed and covered myself with my sheet . I was trembling so much . In the distance , I could still hear the dogs barking . For a whole 10 minutes , I was just staring at nothing and slowly fell asleep . At ten in the morning , I woke up and somehow managed to refresh myself and got ready for office . While I was walking down the corridor , I put my head closer to the door to see if I could hear him inside but nothing . I just hoped he was ok . Felt guilty for leaving him there all to himself . But you couldn 't blame me . Just imagine , you see dogs surrounding a group of people and barking at only one . And what 's worse , barking at someone you couldn 't see but they could . Someone that made the dogs jump back , as if , someone was trying to hit them or shoo them away . The way Mr . X looked at that moment also freaked me out . I watch horror movies and the movies like Exorcist and Evil Dead did freak me out a lot . Mr . X looked like he was possessed . Forgive me if I 'm saying it wrong . I just don 't know how to say it . That was the best way I could describe how everything looked . I walked to the bus stand trying to get rid of the whole thought . My day at work didn 't go well . At night while returning to the hostel , I noticed Mr . X 's door was wide open . I didn 't want him to see me , so I started to walk fast . But as I crossed his room , I managed to have a quick glance inside . He was sitting on his bed crisscrossed and stared at the wall in front of him . I 'm glad at least he made it back to his room . I never spoke to him again , and he was back in his world , stuck in his room with the door shut most of the time . Andy has been with his toys till he was old enough to go to college . He played with them as if they were his only friends . His toys were alive . They had feelings for each other and most of all for Andy . He never knew they were alive all the time . His toys acted like toys when he was next to them , and the toys became active when nobody was present next to them . So here it is , my dirty thought . Have the toys ever seen Andy masturbate ? I mean his toys were there all the time in his room till Andy was old enough to go to college . Like all ( maybe most ) boys , there is no doubt that Andy used to Masturbate . Do you think Woody and the other male toys tried to find where their penis was ? And if they did tried to find it and found out they didn 't have one , what do you think happened after that ? Did they start running and screaming around saying " O my God , I can 't find it , I can 't find it " ? Do you think Mr . Potato Head asked his wife Mrs . Potato head , " How do we make babies ? " Here is a story or rather a true story that happened a few days back . My uncle was having a party at his place since it was his daughter 's birthday . By the time I reached his place , there were already a lot of guests . A lot of kids running and screaming around out of joy and excitement , the ladies were at the dining hall pouring out their thoughts all at once , and the men were in the living room with drinks on the table and trying to bring up a topic . As for me , I just sat at the corner and wished lightning struck me and I would have a reason to leave early . I hate parties . A lot of people shout , drink and go insane ; ladies are like blah , blah and blah ; we have to hire animal trainers to whip the kids just to keep their mouth shut and the worse thing about parties is the cleaning . Guests don 't care what they do to your stuff . They don 't care about what their children are doing ; they worry a lot about their empty glasses and gossips . There was this particular couple I found interesting . The moment this couple arrived at the party , they were quiet . At times I noticed the lady looked tensed and she would whisper something to her husband . After everyone had finished having their cake , my uncle went over to the couple and asked where their daughter was ? They said she went to the hospital to see a friend of hers who met with an accident . But she was supposed to reach a long time back , and her parents were worried . They tried calling her cell , but she wasn 't answering it . When dinner was about to be served , the door bell rang . One of my uncle 's friends opened the door . I don 't know the reason for the sudden silence in the room and the scream from the lady whose daughter was late , but I moved closer to the door to get a better look and was surprised . Well can 't say surprised , maybe it was shocking . It was the lady 's daughter alright . But she was completely bald . She entered the room smiling while everybody 's mouth was wide open . I later understood she had long hair that reaches all the way down to her waist and a silky one at that too . After an extended 1 - minute pause , everyone started laughing . She looked cute but still she looked weird . " While I was with my friend at the hospital , I noticed next to my friend 's bed there was another girl on the other side of the room . Out of curiosity , I asked my friend if she knew her story ? Her friend replied that she had cancer . She was young , pale , bald and yet behind those weak eyes and pale skin I knew she was so beautiful if it wasn 't for that cancer . I wished from the bottom of heart that I could do something to help her . But I knew the only thing I could do for her is pray . I went over to her bed and started to talk to her . She was happy to talk to me . After a long talk , she touched my hair and said she had never seen a beautiful hair like mine before . That 's when I asked her if she wanted my hair . She just stared at me . I asked her again , do you want it ? I can give you my hair . She said no . But I forced her . I told her that I could grow my hair back again . In the end , she accepted my offer . So I went over to the beauty parlor and told them to cut my hair off completely since I want to make it into a wig . After they had finished cutting my hair , they gave me directions to a place where they make wigs . So I went over to that wig maker and the guy there said it would take a week to make a wig out of my hair . So once their done making it , I 'm going to give it to her . After she had narrated her story , everybody in the room was silent . Or should I say embarrassed because they laughed at her ? As for me , I was tempted to get married to this kind - hearted lady who went to the extent of cutting her hair which she took care of for years . Her parents were proud of her . Her mom gave her a big tight hug and her dad patted her on the shoulder . In the end , we all knew who got rewarded . The smile she gave to that little girl who has cancer was the biggest reward anyone could get . A geological group who drilled a hole about 14 . 4 kilometers deep in the crust of the earth are saying that they heard human screams . Screams were heard from the condemned souls from earth 's deepest hole . Terrified scientists are afraid they have let loose the evil powers of hell up to the earth 's surface . ' The second surprise was the high temperature they discovered in the earth 's center . ' The calculations indicate the given temperature was about 1 , 100 degrees Celsius , or over 2 , 000 degrees Fahrenheit , ' Azzacov pointed out . ' This is far more than we expected . It seems almost like an inferno of fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth . ' The last discovery was nevertheless the most shocking to our ears , so much so that the scientists are afraid to continue the project . We tried to listen to the earth 's movements at certain intervals with supersensitive microphones , which were let down through the hole . What we heard turned those logically thinking scientists into trembling ruins . It was a sometimes a weak , but high pitched sound which we thought to be coming from our equipment , ' explained Dr . Azzacov . ' But after some adjustments , we comprehended that indeed the sound came from the earth 's interior . We could hardly believe our ears . We heard a human voice , screaming in pain . Even though one voice was discernible , we could hear thousands , perhaps millions , in the background , of suffering souls screaming . After this gruesome discovery , about half of the scientists quit because of fear . Hopefully , that which is down there will stay there , ' Dr . Azzacov added . ' The incident was unreal ; the Soviets cried out in terror , ' says Mr . Nummedal . Later that night , he saw ambulance crews circulating in the community . A driver he knew told him that they had been told to sedate everybody with a medication known to erase short term memory . The Soviets use this drug in the treatment of shock victims . " As a communist , I don 't believe in heaven or the Bible , but as a scientist , I now believe in hell , " said Dr . Azzacove . " Needless to say we were shocked to make such a discovery . But we know what we saw , and what we heard . And we are convinced that we drilled through the gates of Hell ! " " We lowered a microphone , designed to detect the sounds of plate movements down the shaft . But instead of plate movements we heard a human voice screaming in pain ! At first , we thought the sound was coming from our equipment . " There was also another time , when one of his men , who was in a diving bell in the deepest trench at the Bermuda Triangle , also had a similar experience . He signaled to be brought up immediately . After being revived from his shock , he told others of his frightening experience of hearing " Screams of people in pain . " For those who don 't know what 160by2 is , it 's a free SMS site where one can send free messages to others in India , Indonesia and most places in the Middle East . This site was useful to me since my parents are abroad and 160by2 helped me a lot when I wanted to send a free message to my parents . Just think about it . Free messages abroad for free . Our system has detected evidence of spamming activity in your 160by2 account . We would like to remind you of SMS Country 's Spamming policy for its 160by2 service : 160by2 offers free SMS service on the premise that communication is happening between two known persons , and the sender has the consent of receiver for sending SMS to receiver 's mobile . Any unsolicited message that a mobile user does not want to receive is considered to be spam . Spamming is illegal and 160by2 adheres to industry best practices to stop spam . 160by2 is strictly against the sending of unsolicited SMS messages , notifications , alerts or any other form of inappropriate communication . Evidence of spamming will result in temporary or permanent blocking of the account . Our system has inbuilt checks to identify and block spammers . Persistent offenders will be reported to Telecom Regulatory Authority of India for legal action . Sir / Madam , for no reason my account was blocked . When I logged in , it says my account has been blocked because your system found out that I was spamming . I don 't spam . My parents are abroad , and I send messages to them , and as the college club President , I send a lot of bulk messages to a lot of my friends . Pleases re - activate my account . It 's urgent . I have noticed my account has been blocked . The reason given to me when I log in is that your system discovered evidence of spamming . I don 't have the slightest idea what it means , and I don 't spam . My family is abroad , and I send messages to them and even bulk messages to my friends in my college since I 'm the college club President and I have to communicate with a lot of students . huh ? ? ? what advertising or marketing SMS ? ? ? Who said I used my 160by2 account for advertising or marketing ? ? ? I never used 160by2 for any of the bloody things you mentioned . I used my account for my personal use only . Family and Friends . I was a student studying at the time u blocked it … I wud like to see those keywords u call spam … U block my account for the mistake I didn 't make and now U blaming it on me … What a douche … Well that is one lame excuse … I have been using the same no . for the past 4 years … hundreds of people have my number … and you are saying your system won 't allow you to unblock my no . I never made a mistake … When I try logging in , a message comes up saying my account has been blocked because I was spamming , which I didn 't do … Now just to join back to 160by2 I have to get myself a new no … . Wow … that sounds so easy for u , is it ? Well this is what I 'm going to do from my part … I 'm going to post this message and all the previous messages we have been sending to each other on Facebook , twitter , my blog and where ever I can get people to look at it and even a small review on this site of yours … I hope this way I can discourage new people from joining 160by2 and join other free SMS sites … Who knows , I might even start a free SMS site on my own one day . Well ! That 's what happened . So to all those who wants to send free SMS … I suggest you use any other free SMS sites other than 160by2 . Why ? ? ? That 's because if you go to the forums , you will notice I 'm not the only one here facing this problem . And it 's not a human blocking your account . It 's a damn machine . If you are trying to send messages in bulk , for the 160by2 system , it means spamming . So switch to other free SMS sites . As far as I know , other free SMS sites don 't face the problems 160by2 is facing . I 'm using Way2SMS now . Oh ! One more thing . Nobody can send a message to Saudi Arabia . For the past one year ( before my number could be blocked ) a message pop - ups stating - " You cannot send SMS to Saudi ( 966 * * * * * * * * * ) temporarily . Sorry for the inconvenience ! " . That 's because 160by2 . com is blocked in Saudi Arabia . I don 't know if people sending messages to other countries face the same problem . So what 's the use ? I was wearing the same spectacles for almost like two years and one day while I was cleaning the lens I thought to myself that it was high time I changed my old specs . Ever since that thought popped into my head , I kept thinking of changing my specs for like twice a day . And then suddenly two weeks after that thought my specs broke and I was forced to buy a new one . Coincidence ! What about the mobile phone I had . That too had a story . I had a Nokia 1600 . It was a decent cell phone that even a ten - year - old could master it in like 5 min . I had it for like four years . Then when I got my first job , everybody at the office had a cool cell phone . I thought of owning a new phone ever since , and within a month I bought a Samsung Galaxy 3 . I don 't know from where the money came from , but at the end of the month I was walking around and showing off with my new sexy gadget . It doesn 't have to be stuff that you use in your everyday life . Here in India , you will find a hell lot of crows . They are menacing , cunning , irritating and brave flying creatures that have managed to learn the ways of human thinking . The most annoying thing about them is when they shit on top of your head while you are going under a tree . When you see a tree ahead of you , and you think of a crow crapping on top of your head , it happens . Yes , it 's true . And when you are with your friends , and you 're talking about something so interesting , and you pass under a tree without thinking about the crows , nothing happens . I cannot say if it 's our mind playing tricks with us or who knows it might also be super intelligence . Our brain can use a maximum of 10 % only . If it crosses that mark , who knows what we humans can do ? We could start teleporting and flying around . I exaggerated over there . Or did I ? ? ? A friend of mine was in his room with the door locked and watching porn on his PC . He had his headphones on his head . The sound was low , so he increased the volume to get a better feel to it . Before switching to the porn video , he opened the Wikipedia page and kept that minimized . That 's in case someone asked what he was doing inside his room with the door locked . When he opened the door , his mom started smacking his face hard and asked him how he could watch such filthy things . He lied by saying he didn 't watch anything filthy but instead he was reading an article on Wikipedia . But his mom wouldn 't believe him . After all the beatings and scolding he confessed that he was watching porn . His mom told him to remove all the wires from the PC and that he would never be able to switch on his PC ever again . The first mobile I ever had was Nokia 7610 . My dad bought it for me when I was in Saudi Arabia . I got it after I finished my grade 12th . I only wished he could have bought it earlier while I was still in school . I could have shown off in front of my friends . But after my 12th results were declared ( which wasn 't very nice to talk about ) my dad said I was not worthy enough to have an excellent cell phone . With the marks I had he said I was eligible to carry the world 's first mobile ever created by man . So he took it from me and started using it for himself . Damn sad ! O well ! Once I entered college , my mom bought me a cell phone . It didn 't have much , but it was worth it . She got me a Nokia 1600 , and it was worth Rs . 2K . It was a brilliant phone . It didn 't have a camera or music player or anything funky , but when it comes to calling someone or receiving / sending messages , this cell is so comfortable and strong . I needn 't have to cradle it like a baby . It fell from my hands many times , and it still worked beautifully . That was four years ago . And now I 'm working , and with my salary , I bought a new cell phone . Samsung Galaxy 3 . It 's a PC on your palm , and it runs on Android 2 . 1 ( upgradable ) . I can surf the net , Facebook , Twitter , etc . It has a 3 . 2 MP camera , and the picture quality is mind blowing , and the music player totally rocks . It took me some time to choose this phone but with a lot of research I found out that is this right cell phone for me and sure enough , it was . But still , it has one drawback . It 's very delicate . If ever it hits the ground just once you can kiss your Galaxy 3 goodbye . I don 't even put it in my pocket . I 'm scared if I knock it somewhere or if I sit down the screen might crack . And a guy like me who sacrifices a lot for technology rather than humans , it sure is a scary thing to take care of . It 's been two weeks since I bought this cell and there is not even a scratch or even my finger print on the screen ( I clean it 24 × 7 ) Yes , that 's right . Fingerprints ! But I have to admit this cell is sure a headache and a blessing . Ever since I bought this mobile phone everybody here in my office had their eyes on it . I just bought it for Rs . 12K and it has everything in it that a cell phone would have for 20K . It helped me a lot when it comes to surfing the net and organizing stuff . The Android market provides brilliant applications . I booked a return ticket from Kerala to Chennai on October 10th , 2010 . This ticket was on waiting list 15 Class 3A . By January 1st it was RAC 6 . RAC means I have a berth available . But two persons have to share the same berth . So basically I have to sit through the whole journey or each of us has to take turns to sleeping . Well , I guess that 's much better rather than having no seat at all . 3A is air conditioned , comfortable lighting , and good seats . But just imagine when you can see others sleeping with comfy blankets over them , and you have to sit the whole time . My train was supposed to arrive at 5 : 30 pm but instead it arrived at 6 : 15 pm . There was a slight problem thou . I couldn 't find the compartment I was supposed to be in . I mean , when I checked the net it shows RB55 . So at first I thought RB meant the name of a compartment . But it meant right berth . The train was about to leave . So I just entered a SL 12 compartment . Within 2 minutes the train started to move . Once inside I had to walk all the way to SL 1 . I was asking people inside if they knew where RB compartment was and all of them said there is no such thing as RB compartment . When I reached SL 3 , I passed a coolie ( a coolie is a helper who helps passengers with their languages ) . I asked him for directions , and he said it 's not RB but 3A . RB meant right berth , and it 's after SL 1 . Whew ! That 's a relief . Thought I would have to walk all the way to the end . When I opened the door to the 3A compartment , I saw the TT collecting tickets from the passengers . I showed him my ticket , and he said your ticket is RAC . I nodded my head and tried to give him the same expression Puss In Boots gave to Shrek . Hoping at least by seeing my cute face he will give me a whole berth to myself . That didn 't work . He happily showed me my berth and told me this is where you will be sitting , and the other passenger will be joining me soon . Damn ! At the next stop the passenger arrived and sat next to me . Soon we both started to chat . He was working in some IT company fixing PC chips or something like that . A waiter comes and takes our order . I ordered Chapatti and Egg curry . By about 8 : 30 pm the other guy sharing my berth and I had our dinner . While having our dinner , the TT comes and says there is an extra berth available . So that means I get to have the whole berth for myself . I could sleep . That 's luck . After dinner , the IT guy chose to shift to his new berth , and I arranged my berth and slept like a log till the next day . Once the train reached Chennai , I felt a bit down that my life is back to the same routine . Have to get up every day at 7 : 30 am and walk for 5 minutes to the bus stand . Wait for an empty bus . Reach office by 9 am . Back to my room by 8 pm . Have dinner and watch a movie on my laptop at the same time and then to bed . DAMN ! A little about meThis blog of mine is mostly about memories I wish to remember and cherish for a real long time . The posts in my blog are not completely just about me but experiences of others too . Some random posts contain weird stuffs but that 's just for fun I play on my friends . Email Subscription |
For those of you who have read my previous posts , ' The Demonic Animal ' and ' Demonic face on the wall , ' I have yet another story to share with you . I 'm sure most of you must have heard that dogs have a 6th sense . In India , there is a saying that when you hear dogs howl in the middle of the night , it means spirits are roaming about . If you have watched Indian horror movies , you will notice that the main item that will make your spine tremble from top to bottom is the howling of dogs . This incident happened to me recently , I would say a week . The place I 'm staying right now is more like a men 's hostel . In each room , they are at least two to three people staying together . For some , they preferred to take a whole room for themselves . Like me for example , I rented a whole room for myself . That 's because of my previous experiences . My other roommates never respected me . They used to come late at night while I 'm in a deep sleep or at times when their cell phone rang , they preferred to answer the call with me inside the room fast asleep rather than going outside and answering it . Those were the type of roommates I had . That 's the main reason why I chose to rent a room for myself rather than sharing it with someone else . It 's a bit expensive , but I have all the freedom I need . So I guess it 's worth it . A month ago , this new person ( Mr . X ) took a whole room for himself . He was a very strange fellow . He never used to come out of his room ; he had no friends , and nobody in the hostel knows a thing about him . The worst of all , not even his name . But in time , we all managed to keep him out of our heads . At times , I used to see some of the guys asking him if he would like to join us for an evening walk . He never accepted any of our invitations . He just shook his head and walked back into his room . We won 't see him for the whole day after that . But a week ago , his whole life changed . Just last week at three in the morning , while the entire hostel was fast asleep , I heard the most horrifying scream . I jumped out of my bed with my heart in my mouth . I could only imagine this would be the way a human would scream if he encountered death face to face . I didn 't come out of my room until I heard voices of other people outside the corridor . I slowly opened the door and saw people running . I came out slowly . Once I was outside , I could see people trying to break open the door where Mr . X was staying . I wasn 't even sure if it was him screaming . No one could recognize his voice . It sounded more like an animal howling . At last , they managed to break open the door . We saw the strangest thing ever . Mr . X was lying on his bed . He had his hands covering his eyes and he was screaming like a mad man . Some of the guys went over to him and tried to talk some sense into him . I was standing outside his room watching all this happening . Mr . X kept repeating that he was going to die and that this man with red eyes is going to kill him with a knife . The people next to him tried their best to convince him that , nobody was going to kill him and he only had a nightmare . I noticed he was sweating so much . Someone sprinkled water on his face , and he slowly opened his eyes . He was breathing heavily , and he looked so pale that he looked more like a corpse that came out of a zombie movie . It took nearly 40 minutes for him to calm down . Some of the guys tried to change the subject . Some even said jokes . He slowly got his senses back . A friend of mine who was staying in a separate room told him to join him for a small walk outside , just to get some fresh air . Surprisingly , he nodded his head and got up to go out . I too thought of accompanying them , not because I wanted to keep his mind at ease , but I too needed some fresh air . We three went out . The whole street looked like a ghost town . Not a soul outside . It was quiet except for the breeze and the leaves scraping against each other . The moon was so bright that night . My friend was in the middle ; I was walking on his left side , and Mr . X was walking on the right side . While we were walking down this particular lane , I had this bad feeling . It was more like fear . I had no idea for being scared for no reason . But I knew something was not right . Suddenly out of nowhere , from the shadows , at least 6 to 8 dogs circled us . We all just froze . It took me some time to realize that these dogs were only looking at Mr . X and not us . My friend and I tried to shoo them away , but they would not even budge . We decided to move away slowly but the dogs would growl , and it looked like they would pounce on us any moment . We three just stood there for like a minute , and suddenly all hell broke loose . The dogs started to bark furiously . It was like they would tear us all apart any second . But my friend and I noticed that the dogs weren 't barking at us but only at Rahul . And what 's worse , something didn 't look right with Rahul . We couldn 't see his eyes properly . We couldn 't see the iris , just the white part . We could see his teeth , and he was biting it down hard . Now here 's the scary part . The dogs weren 't just barking at Mr . X only . They were barking at someone else standing at his right side . I turned around thinking there was someone behind us but the whole street was empty . At times few of the dogs would jump back like as if someone was trying to shoo them away . I was rooted to the road and trembling with fear . We stood there motionless for like a minute and then my friend suddenly turned around and ran for his life . Seeing him running away made me turn around and run . I never ran so hard in my life since I finished high school . My friend was running in front of me , and I was running right behind him . We didn 't even stop to help Mr . X or turn back to see if the dogs were following us or if they were tearing him apart . We didn 't stop till we reached our rooms . I ran into my room , locked the door and put all the lights on in my room . I jumped onto my bed and covered myself with my sheet . I was trembling so much . In the distance , I could still hear the dogs barking . For a whole 10 minutes , I was just staring at nothing and slowly fell asleep . At ten in the morning , I woke up and somehow managed to refresh myself and got ready for office . While I was walking down the corridor , I put my head closer to the door to see if I could hear him inside but nothing . I just hoped he was ok . Felt guilty for leaving him there all to himself . But you couldn 't blame me . Just imagine , you see dogs surrounding a group of people and barking at only one . And what 's worse , barking at someone you couldn 't see but they could . Someone that made the dogs jump back , as if , someone was trying to hit them or shoo them away . The way Mr . X looked at that moment also freaked me out . I watch horror movies and the movies like Exorcist and Evil Dead did freak me out a lot . Mr . X looked like he was possessed . Forgive me if I 'm saying it wrong . I just don 't know how to say it . That was the best way I could describe how everything looked . I walked to the bus stand trying to get rid of the whole thought . My day at work didn 't go well . At night while returning to the hostel , I noticed Mr . X 's door was wide open . I didn 't want him to see me , so I started to walk fast . But as I crossed his room , I managed to have a quick glance inside . He was sitting on his bed crisscrossed and stared at the wall in front of him . I 'm glad at least he made it back to his room . I never spoke to him again , and he was back in his world , stuck in his room with the door shut most of the time . Andy has been with his toys till he was old enough to go to college . He played with them as if they were his only friends . His toys were alive . They had feelings for each other and most of all for Andy . He never knew they were alive all the time . His toys acted like toys when he was next to them , and the toys became active when nobody was present next to them . So here it is , my dirty thought . Have the toys ever seen Andy masturbate ? I mean his toys were there all the time in his room till Andy was old enough to go to college . Like all ( maybe most ) boys , there is no doubt that Andy used to Masturbate . Do you think Woody and the other male toys tried to find where their penis was ? And if they did tried to find it and found out they didn 't have one , what do you think happened after that ? Did they start running and screaming around saying " O my God , I can 't find it , I can 't find it " ? Do you think Mr . Potato Head asked his wife Mrs . Potato head , " How do we make babies ? " Here is a story or rather a true story that happened a few days back . My uncle was having a party at his place since it was his daughter 's birthday . By the time I reached his place , there were already a lot of guests . A lot of kids running and screaming around out of joy and excitement , the ladies were at the dining hall pouring out their thoughts all at once , and the men were in the living room with drinks on the table and trying to bring up a topic . As for me , I just sat at the corner and wished lightning struck me and I would have a reason to leave early . I hate parties . A lot of people shout , drink and go insane ; ladies are like blah , blah and blah ; we have to hire animal trainers to whip the kids just to keep their mouth shut and the worse thing about parties is the cleaning . Guests don 't care what they do to your stuff . They don 't care about what their children are doing ; they worry a lot about their empty glasses and gossips . There was this particular couple I found interesting . The moment this couple arrived at the party , they were quiet . At times I noticed the lady looked tensed and she would whisper something to her husband . After everyone had finished having their cake , my uncle went over to the couple and asked where their daughter was ? They said she went to the hospital to see a friend of hers who met with an accident . But she was supposed to reach a long time back , and her parents were worried . They tried calling her cell , but she wasn 't answering it . When dinner was about to be served , the door bell rang . One of my uncle 's friends opened the door . I don 't know the reason for the sudden silence in the room and the scream from the lady whose daughter was late , but I moved closer to the door to get a better look and was surprised . Well can 't say surprised , maybe it was shocking . It was the lady 's daughter alright . But she was completely bald . She entered the room smiling while everybody 's mouth was wide open . I later understood she had long hair that reaches all the way down to her waist and a silky one at that too . After an extended 1 - minute pause , everyone started laughing . She looked cute but still she looked weird . " While I was with my friend at the hospital , I noticed next to my friend 's bed there was another girl on the other side of the room . Out of curiosity , I asked my friend if she knew her story ? Her friend replied that she had cancer . She was young , pale , bald and yet behind those weak eyes and pale skin I knew she was so beautiful if it wasn 't for that cancer . I wished from the bottom of heart that I could do something to help her . But I knew the only thing I could do for her is pray . I went over to her bed and started to talk to her . She was happy to talk to me . After a long talk , she touched my hair and said she had never seen a beautiful hair like mine before . That 's when I asked her if she wanted my hair . She just stared at me . I asked her again , do you want it ? I can give you my hair . She said no . But I forced her . I told her that I could grow my hair back again . In the end , she accepted my offer . So I went over to the beauty parlor and told them to cut my hair off completely since I want to make it into a wig . After they had finished cutting my hair , they gave me directions to a place where they make wigs . So I went over to that wig maker and the guy there said it would take a week to make a wig out of my hair . So once their done making it , I 'm going to give it to her . After she had narrated her story , everybody in the room was silent . Or should I say embarrassed because they laughed at her ? As for me , I was tempted to get married to this kind - hearted lady who went to the extent of cutting her hair which she took care of for years . Her parents were proud of her . Her mom gave her a big tight hug and her dad patted her on the shoulder . In the end , we all knew who got rewarded . The smile she gave to that little girl who has cancer was the biggest reward anyone could get . A geological group who drilled a hole about 14 . 4 kilometers deep in the crust of the earth are saying that they heard human screams . Screams were heard from the condemned souls from earth 's deepest hole . Terrified scientists are afraid they have let loose the evil powers of hell up to the earth 's surface . ' The second surprise was the high temperature they discovered in the earth 's center . ' The calculations indicate the given temperature was about 1 , 100 degrees Celsius , or over 2 , 000 degrees Fahrenheit , ' Azzacov pointed out . ' This is far more than we expected . It seems almost like an inferno of fire is brutally going on in the center of the earth . ' The last discovery was nevertheless the most shocking to our ears , so much so that the scientists are afraid to continue the project . We tried to listen to the earth 's movements at certain intervals with supersensitive microphones , which were let down through the hole . What we heard turned those logically thinking scientists into trembling ruins . It was a sometimes a weak , but high pitched sound which we thought to be coming from our equipment , ' explained Dr . Azzacov . ' But after some adjustments , we comprehended that indeed the sound came from the earth 's interior . We could hardly believe our ears . We heard a human voice , screaming in pain . Even though one voice was discernible , we could hear thousands , perhaps millions , in the background , of suffering souls screaming . After this gruesome discovery , about half of the scientists quit because of fear . Hopefully , that which is down there will stay there , ' Dr . Azzacov added . ' The incident was unreal ; the Soviets cried out in terror , ' says Mr . Nummedal . Later that night , he saw ambulance crews circulating in the community . A driver he knew told him that they had been told to sedate everybody with a medication known to erase short term memory . The Soviets use this drug in the treatment of shock victims . " As a communist , I don 't believe in heaven or the Bible , but as a scientist , I now believe in hell , " said Dr . Azzacove . " Needless to say we were shocked to make such a discovery . But we know what we saw , and what we heard . And we are convinced that we drilled through the gates of Hell ! " " We lowered a microphone , designed to detect the sounds of plate movements down the shaft . But instead of plate movements we heard a human voice screaming in pain ! At first , we thought the sound was coming from our equipment . " There was also another time , when one of his men , who was in a diving bell in the deepest trench at the Bermuda Triangle , also had a similar experience . He signaled to be brought up immediately . After being revived from his shock , he told others of his frightening experience of hearing " Screams of people in pain . " For those who don 't know what 160by2 is , it 's a free SMS site where one can send free messages to others in India , Indonesia and most places in the Middle East . This site was useful to me since my parents are abroad and 160by2 helped me a lot when I wanted to send a free message to my parents . Just think about it . Free messages abroad for free . Our system has detected evidence of spamming activity in your 160by2 account . We would like to remind you of SMS Country 's Spamming policy for its 160by2 service : 160by2 offers free SMS service on the premise that communication is happening between two known persons , and the sender has the consent of receiver for sending SMS to receiver 's mobile . Any unsolicited message that a mobile user does not want to receive is considered to be spam . Spamming is illegal and 160by2 adheres to industry best practices to stop spam . 160by2 is strictly against the sending of unsolicited SMS messages , notifications , alerts or any other form of inappropriate communication . Evidence of spamming will result in temporary or permanent blocking of the account . Our system has inbuilt checks to identify and block spammers . Persistent offenders will be reported to Telecom Regulatory Authority of India for legal action . Sir / Madam , for no reason my account was blocked . When I logged in , it says my account has been blocked because your system found out that I was spamming . I don 't spam . My parents are abroad , and I send messages to them , and as the college club President , I send a lot of bulk messages to a lot of my friends . Pleases re - activate my account . It 's urgent . I have noticed my account has been blocked . The reason given to me when I log in is that your system discovered evidence of spamming . I don 't have the slightest idea what it means , and I don 't spam . My family is abroad , and I send messages to them and even bulk messages to my friends in my college since I 'm the college club President and I have to communicate with a lot of students . huh ? ? ? what advertising or marketing SMS ? ? ? Who said I used my 160by2 account for advertising or marketing ? ? ? I never used 160by2 for any of the bloody things you mentioned . I used my account for my personal use only . Family and Friends . I was a student studying at the time u blocked it … I wud like to see those keywords u call spam … U block my account for the mistake I didn 't make and now U blaming it on me … What a douche … Well that is one lame excuse … I have been using the same no . for the past 4 years … hundreds of people have my number … and you are saying your system won 't allow you to unblock my no . I never made a mistake … When I try logging in , a message comes up saying my account has been blocked because I was spamming , which I didn 't do … Now just to join back to 160by2 I have to get myself a new no … . Wow … that sounds so easy for u , is it ? Well this is what I 'm going to do from my part … I 'm going to post this message and all the previous messages we have been sending to each other on Facebook , twitter , my blog and where ever I can get people to look at it and even a small review on this site of yours … I hope this way I can discourage new people from joining 160by2 and join other free SMS sites … Who knows , I might even start a free SMS site on my own one day . Well ! That 's what happened . So to all those who wants to send free SMS … I suggest you use any other free SMS sites other than 160by2 . Why ? ? ? That 's because if you go to the forums , you will notice I 'm not the only one here facing this problem . And it 's not a human blocking your account . It 's a damn machine . If you are trying to send messages in bulk , for the 160by2 system , it means spamming . So switch to other free SMS sites . As far as I know , other free SMS sites don 't face the problems 160by2 is facing . I 'm using Way2SMS now . Oh ! One more thing . Nobody can send a message to Saudi Arabia . For the past one year ( before my number could be blocked ) a message pop - ups stating - " You cannot send SMS to Saudi ( 966 * * * * * * * * * ) temporarily . Sorry for the inconvenience ! " . That 's because 160by2 . com is blocked in Saudi Arabia . I don 't know if people sending messages to other countries face the same problem . So what 's the use ? I was wearing the same spectacles for almost like two years and one day while I was cleaning the lens I thought to myself that it was high time I changed my old specs . Ever since that thought popped into my head , I kept thinking of changing my specs for like twice a day . And then suddenly two weeks after that thought my specs broke and I was forced to buy a new one . Coincidence ! What about the mobile phone I had . That too had a story . I had a Nokia 1600 . It was a decent cell phone that even a ten - year - old could master it in like 5 min . I had it for like four years . Then when I got my first job , everybody at the office had a cool cell phone . I thought of owning a new phone ever since , and within a month I bought a Samsung Galaxy 3 . I don 't know from where the money came from , but at the end of the month I was walking around and showing off with my new sexy gadget . It doesn 't have to be stuff that you use in your everyday life . Here in India , you will find a hell lot of crows . They are menacing , cunning , irritating and brave flying creatures that have managed to learn the ways of human thinking . The most annoying thing about them is when they shit on top of your head while you are going under a tree . When you see a tree ahead of you , and you think of a crow crapping on top of your head , it happens . Yes , it 's true . And when you are with your friends , and you 're talking about something so interesting , and you pass under a tree without thinking about the crows , nothing happens . I cannot say if it 's our mind playing tricks with us or who knows it might also be super intelligence . Our brain can use a maximum of 10 % only . If it crosses that mark , who knows what we humans can do ? We could start teleporting and flying around . I exaggerated over there . Or did I ? ? ? A friend of mine was in his room with the door locked and watching porn on his PC . He had his headphones on his head . The sound was low , so he increased the volume to get a better feel to it . Before switching to the porn video , he opened the Wikipedia page and kept that minimized . That 's in case someone asked what he was doing inside his room with the door locked . When he opened the door , his mom started smacking his face hard and asked him how he could watch such filthy things . He lied by saying he didn 't watch anything filthy but instead he was reading an article on Wikipedia . But his mom wouldn 't believe him . After all the beatings and scolding he confessed that he was watching porn . His mom told him to remove all the wires from the PC and that he would never be able to switch on his PC ever again . The first mobile I ever had was Nokia 7610 . My dad bought it for me when I was in Saudi Arabia . I got it after I finished my grade 12th . I only wished he could have bought it earlier while I was still in school . I could have shown off in front of my friends . But after my 12th results were declared ( which wasn 't very nice to talk about ) my dad said I was not worthy enough to have an excellent cell phone . With the marks I had he said I was eligible to carry the world 's first mobile ever created by man . So he took it from me and started using it for himself . Damn sad ! O well ! Once I entered college , my mom bought me a cell phone . It didn 't have much , but it was worth it . She got me a Nokia 1600 , and it was worth Rs . 2K . It was a brilliant phone . It didn 't have a camera or music player or anything funky , but when it comes to calling someone or receiving / sending messages , this cell is so comfortable and strong . I needn 't have to cradle it like a baby . It fell from my hands many times , and it still worked beautifully . That was four years ago . And now I 'm working , and with my salary , I bought a new cell phone . Samsung Galaxy 3 . It 's a PC on your palm , and it runs on Android 2 . 1 ( upgradable ) . I can surf the net , Facebook , Twitter , etc . It has a 3 . 2 MP camera , and the picture quality is mind blowing , and the music player totally rocks . It took me some time to choose this phone but with a lot of research I found out that is this right cell phone for me and sure enough , it was . But still , it has one drawback . It 's very delicate . If ever it hits the ground just once you can kiss your Galaxy 3 goodbye . I don 't even put it in my pocket . I 'm scared if I knock it somewhere or if I sit down the screen might crack . And a guy like me who sacrifices a lot for technology rather than humans , it sure is a scary thing to take care of . It 's been two weeks since I bought this cell and there is not even a scratch or even my finger print on the screen ( I clean it 24 × 7 ) Yes , that 's right . Fingerprints ! But I have to admit this cell is sure a headache and a blessing . Ever since I bought this mobile phone everybody here in my office had their eyes on it . I just bought it for Rs . 12K and it has everything in it that a cell phone would have for 20K . It helped me a lot when it comes to surfing the net and organizing stuff . The Android market provides brilliant applications . I booked a return ticket from Kerala to Chennai on October 10th , 2010 . This ticket was on waiting list 15 Class 3A . By January 1st it was RAC 6 . RAC means I have a berth available . But two persons have to share the same berth . So basically I have to sit through the whole journey or each of us has to take turns to sleeping . Well , I guess that 's much better rather than having no seat at all . 3A is air conditioned , comfortable lighting , and good seats . But just imagine when you can see others sleeping with comfy blankets over them , and you have to sit the whole time . My train was supposed to arrive at 5 : 30 pm but instead it arrived at 6 : 15 pm . There was a slight problem thou . I couldn 't find the compartment I was supposed to be in . I mean , when I checked the net it shows RB55 . So at first I thought RB meant the name of a compartment . But it meant right berth . The train was about to leave . So I just entered a SL 12 compartment . Within 2 minutes the train started to move . Once inside I had to walk all the way to SL 1 . I was asking people inside if they knew where RB compartment was and all of them said there is no such thing as RB compartment . When I reached SL 3 , I passed a coolie ( a coolie is a helper who helps passengers with their languages ) . I asked him for directions , and he said it 's not RB but 3A . RB meant right berth , and it 's after SL 1 . Whew ! That 's a relief . Thought I would have to walk all the way to the end . When I opened the door to the 3A compartment , I saw the TT collecting tickets from the passengers . I showed him my ticket , and he said your ticket is RAC . I nodded my head and tried to give him the same expression Puss In Boots gave to Shrek . Hoping at least by seeing my cute face he will give me a whole berth to myself . That didn 't work . He happily showed me my berth and told me this is where you will be sitting , and the other passenger will be joining me soon . Damn ! At the next stop the passenger arrived and sat next to me . Soon we both started to chat . He was working in some IT company fixing PC chips or something like that . A waiter comes and takes our order . I ordered Chapatti and Egg curry . By about 8 : 30 pm the other guy sharing my berth and I had our dinner . While having our dinner , the TT comes and says there is an extra berth available . So that means I get to have the whole berth for myself . I could sleep . That 's luck . After dinner , the IT guy chose to shift to his new berth , and I arranged my berth and slept like a log till the next day . Once the train reached Chennai , I felt a bit down that my life is back to the same routine . Have to get up every day at 7 : 30 am and walk for 5 minutes to the bus stand . Wait for an empty bus . Reach office by 9 am . Back to my room by 8 pm . Have dinner and watch a movie on my laptop at the same time and then to bed . DAMN ! A little about meThis blog of mine is mostly about memories I wish to remember and cherish for a real long time . The posts in my blog are not completely just about me but experiences of others too . Some random posts contain weird stuffs but that 's just for fun I play on my friends . Email Subscription |
Helloooo Nice ladies of the world who have big hearts for their ponies ! Trax here to tell you about the final day of my ladies " horse week . " I don 't really understand why she needs a special week for horses when we are here everyday and everyday she comes to see us and brings us yummy treats , and grains and green squares of hay . But she says it is horse week , so I do not argue . Today we went to see the nice man who teaches me things . She calls him " Em - Kay " but I just call him the nice man . I wasn 't sure if he was a nice man at first but now I know he is and I like him very much . Every time we go there , before we learn anything he and my lady look at the ground and talk to God . They tell him thank you for a wunnerful horse ( that 's me - I 'm wunnerful ) , and ask for things called guidence and safety . When ever they do this it makes me feel warm inside and makes me want to be a good pony . Then my lady and I did some of the stuff that scares me , but I am less scared now , so it was okay . She said we were in a pa - raid , and we marched around the arena with a flag . Then she waved the flag around me and I was not afraid except just a little . But since I was a good boy , she petted me with it . Then the man got the rope and I was a little afraid at first . I am not sure why I am afraid but sometimes I think I am so used to running away from it , that now I just do it without thinking . The nice man says he is trying to teach me how to think about things before I react . This is a good thing I think . Pretty soon they had the rope on the saddle and dragged a log around all by myself ! It felt funny at first but then I was all like " pfffft - I got this . " Then the nice man got on me and we just sat still while he helped me loosen the muscles in my neck . It was good too because I have to admit , I was a little tense . After I wasn 't tense anymore he started asking me to do things . We did things like backing up , and going sideways , and going in circles . He even had me drag the log while he was on me . I did a good job and pulled as hard as I could . I wanted to be scared when the rope touched my butt , but he wasn 't scared so then I wasn 't either . I pulled it this way , and then that way , and then back the other way again . It was kind of fun to not be afraid . The nice man rode me for a long time . I have decided that I like it when he rides me . He makes it easy for me to understand what he wants me to do and where he wants me to put my feets . ( When I understands , I do ) I think he likes to ride me too because he gave me lots of rests and told me each time that I was a good good pony . I heard him tell my lady that I have learned a lot since we first started and that she should be veeeery proud of me . She said that she is veeeeery proud of me . I am proud of me too ! Then my lady got on me , and think she is learning a lot too . I have not always understood what she wanted me to do ( when I do not understands , I do not do ) but this time she asked just like the nice man did and I knew right away what she wanted . So I put my feets right where she wanted and she gave me a big rest and lots of pets and told me I was a good good boy . Then she got off and loosened my saddle so I knew we were done for the day . We stood around while they ( nice lady , nice man , and nice man 's boy ) talked about things that they want to teach me . My lady does not think I will ever get over being afraid of the rope gate . The nice man says that I can learn anything , and that I am a very smart pony . He said that if I was a stupid pony , I 'd still be roping cows for people who are not nice . The nice man says that if I was smart enough to show them that I didn 't like them being mean to me , I am smart enough to learn anything , as long as peoples are nice to me . I have decided that I like learning ! Then they talked about some stuff called coff - fee . I do not know what that is , but it must be very good because they all said that they could sure use some right then . If I had some coff - fee I would have shared it with them for being so nice . Then we went home and my nice lady gave me yummy candies and let me go and roll in the mud . There was water falling from the sky all morning so there was some great mud holes to roll in . I do love a good mud bath . Well good bye for now Nice Ladies , and don 't forget to hug your ponies today ! Oh and my lady said to tell you all Happy Easter ( but I do not know what that means ) Day 4 consisted very little of me and a lot of Simon and Killian . I decided to give myself a break , and the paint horse too . MK called at 4 and said he wasn 't feeling well either so we rescheduled our lesson for Sat . I forgot to mention that Wed night when I came home from Kim 's , Simon was out in the pasture riding K around bareback with a halter . . . by himself ! I kind of jumped his case for doing this when no one else was home , so he assured me he wouldn 't do it again . But kind of got his feelings hurt because he finally got out there and did something , and I yelled at him . He got over it though . Yesterday he wanted to ride again , I was thrilled ! One , because he is not sitting in front of the TV , and two , because it was a great chance for a photo op . So here we go . Some were taken from my bed room window with the zoom lens . UPDATE / SIDE NOTE : If you look at the picture of me riding and then look at the last picture of Simon riding , you can see that with me Killian is frowning , and with Simon , he ( the horse as well as the kid ) is smiling . Simon says that Killian doesn 't like me , because he does more stuff for Simon , than me . I say that he is probably right because I make the lazy sucker work much harder than any child does . I think Killian wants nothing more than to be a horse for children ride , and keeper of the mare . I noticed that when I was riding Killian was groaning a lot . I believe he was trying to tell me that I am fat . I do believe that he is correct in his assessment . I also think he was saying that his back hurts . He is sure a good boy though . I was not feeling great when I got home , but better than I was early , so I drank some hot tea , took a 5 min cat nap and decided to go . When I got there Kim was not ready yet , so I had to wait on her . I did a few little lunge circles with him and a lateral flex on each side from the ground . I stepped up on him and asked for a couple of bends each direction , which took some spinning to get . Typical for the first time so I was not concerned . Perhaps I should have been . We headed out and he was just wanting to take off . Kim was on Schnizzle who is 2 . Schnizzle was so calm and relaxed , he was the seasoned trail horse , Trax was the horse who had never been out in his life . We headed down the back of her property and then out across the main road ( which is paved by my house but dirt by her house ) and out to what is called " BB Brooks " land . ( remind me someday I 'll tell you the story of the " wild " horses of BB Brooks ) Every so often I would get tired of just holding him in so I would one rein stop him to the left . I have started choosing the left because it is his stiffest side . Well this would elicite about 20 spins before he would give in . Not just spins in the same place , but spins as he was trying to move down the trail . It was interesting to say the least . I tried 2 - tracking him down the path , I even started side passing him all the way down . I could feel myself being tense because he was so tense so I would have to stop and just really let myself relax , hoping he would as well . It didn 't help much . Then Kim says , " Do ya wanna trot ? " Trax says , " Hell ya ! " So she and Schnizzle proceded to take off in a nice smooth ground eating trot . For a horse as small as he is , the boy can move out . Trax had to either lope to keep up the pace or trot and stay behind . He was not about to be left behind by some 2 year old . Not once did we ever get that nice million mile trot that he has . I finally decided to just let him lope , but I also asked for that little bit of flex to the left and asked him to move off of my leg . I 'll say he sort of gave into me but not really because he never really dropped his chin . Eventually he came back down to a trot but it was never nice , and never pretty . When we reached the end and headed home , he turned the heat up a notch . We started all over again . I swear some of those " one reined stops " were down right nerve racking . I rode them out with MK 's voice in my head , " When he gets like this if you can ride it out , it is good but don 't risk your own safety . " I seriously had to ask myself a couple of times , " Is this horse going to dump me today ? " He didn 't , and I rode out every single one of them , but I was questioning my sanity the entire time . Finally about a mile from home he started to relax . I never could really let go of his mouth but he would at least drop his head and not hurt my hands so much . I tried letting go to see if he would just walk , but as soon as I did he started trotting . It was the nice trot , but it wasn 't what I was asking for so I had to correct him . He did seem to be happier when he was in front , but we wanted to ride side by side so we could talk , so all this crap he slung at me was not cool at all . As I lay in bed this morning after letting the dogs out and waiting for the alarm to go off , I analyzed what the issue really was . First off , we rarely trail ride with anyone else so he is used to being able to set his own pace , and I usually allow that . When we do ride with someone else they are usually on Killian . Killian is even bigger than Trax and his walk is ( or can be ) as fast as Trax 's favorite trot . So for him to have to match a pace with a horse that is content to meander was hard for him . It was a new trail with a new horse that he didn 't know . But none of that should have mattered . I think I set us up for failure by not really ground working him first , and by not praying . He solidified that failure by not listening to me when I asked him to do something simple like walk . It wasn 't like I was asking him to do some hard task or anything . All I wanted was for him to walk . We will try this again this weekend , just me and him . We will see if he will walk then . It was not the best of rides , but it was an eye opener for sure . One of the things I remember reading in his personality assessment , is that horses like him make great endurance horses because they like to just set their own pace and move out . If they have to conform to another horses pace they can get frustrated . That was exactly what he was going through yesterday . Even though I said earlier that he wanted to run away and leave me in the dirt , I don 't honestly think that was the case . He just wanted to do his pace and not worry about what that slow poke horse was doing . He wanted to get in his " zone ' where he doesn 't have to think about anything , or do any special tricks . Usually I allow that , this time I did not , and he did not understand . Now I am torn . I am supposed to ride with Kim tonight , and it is supposed to be pretty nice . It could be that this is just a little cold and no big deal . On the other hand , I have almost died from Pneumonia , because I chose to ignore flu symptoms like this before . I remembered to start with prayer , and then went to desensitization . We used Simon s chinks this time and the bag / flag . He was not near as relaxed this time as he was the day before . I 'm sure it is directly related to no being at home . When I stepped up on him he was a little run offish , but a few one reined stops helped that . At least he doesn 't run off while I am mounting . He is very good about standing still while I get both feet in the stirrups . But the second I pick up the reins he starts to walk off . So we stop and go back to where we started and then when I ask to go , we go . Again he is good with his flex to the right , but fights me to the left . In fact he tries to back up instead of going forward . Last lesson with MK I was doing some serpentine like Jay had shown me and MK said that since we are trying to get him to quit moving his hind around so much , to make my serpentine more like a 2 track to the left then a 2 track to the right while always asking for forward . So I did that yesterday . Oddly enough , in a short time I had him giving me that left bend without backing up by doing this . So now I know that I have a good tool to use . Then we went to the chinks which were laying on the fence . I was able to ask him to stand next to them without issue , and then bend over and pick them up and flop them around his shoulders . Well done Buddy ! Next was the rope gate . Can you say " EPIC FAIL " ? ? ? I finally got him to stand next to it and relax and lick and chew . But I went too far this time , by trying to reach over and pick up the rope . He did his usual bolt across the arena move , and then refused to stand next to it again . So we did more work on the other side and then rested at the gate without attempting to pick up the rope . From now on that will be the drill . I will work his butt off everywhere but there and that will be the only place we rest . Period . Next we moved on to the poles . I set them up in 2 lines like the were at the clinic . I am blown away but how quickly he picked up on what the routine is for this task . I have not quite got him to where I can start at the outside of the poles for the side pass , but I did start him almost at the very end and then side passed him all the way down to the other end . He naturally lines up for the " go through " although got stuck there and kept wanting to side pass again . I backed him up and we just walked through the middle of the poles 2 times and then started again . A near perfect side pass all the was down , flipped his butt , walked through , then backed back through them with maybe 2 faults for touching the poles . Kim tried to video it with her phone , but something went wrong when she sent it because the pixels are all jacked up . All you can see are squares and something moving . I realized though that I was only asking for hm to side pass from the right , so then we did it from the left and he fell apart . Knocked all the poles out of place , and got himself all worked up . So when stepped back a notch and asked for one step at a time . Step , settle , step settle . Things went much smoother then . His spins are coming along nicely . He can make it almost all the way around before his back end falls out of place . That is major progress as far as I am concerned . I feel like I am really starting to put things together in my rides . Looking where I am going instead of looking down is becoming second nature , and I feel I am much better with the way I am using my legs and spurs . More solid contact with the calf first and then rolling the spur on with solid pressure . It shows in how Trax responds , which is less reacting ( tail swishing ) and more doing . Holy Crap , you can teach an old woman new tricks ! Tonight we will meet up again for just a trail ride . This is when I will really work on that flex while moving forward routine . Kim says she has a 2 miles loop that she does , which takes about an hour at a trot . That should be perfect for what I want to accomplish . Happy Hump day everyone ! Posted by TC left for Denver yesterday morning with 2 of his shop hands . They are on an auction mission . Today they will bid in Denver on equipment for the company , and then as soon as they get done there it is off to Fort Worth TX to pick up 2 semi 's that have already been won on an online bid . This is part of the plan to update the trucking fleet , as some of the trucks are pretty old and are pushing 2 million miles or more on them . So anyway , this leaves me to my own demise for the week , which means not only do I have nice weather but I actually have more spare time to ride . Its not that I can 't ride when he is home . I can and he assures me that he doesn 't mind . But I am more inclined to stay home and fix some sort of supper for him and sit and watch TV with him . I guess I just like being with him . Go figure ! I started with Danny , and got a huge pile of winter hairs . He is such a good boy , standing quietly while brushed and brushed . I think he actually enjoys it . Then was Trax 's turn , he does not care to be groomed . he prefers to do it himself by rolling in the dirt . But after a bit he stood still ( no halter ) and let me strip some of the hair off of him . I am learning that he has 3 different coats . He has his extra long and thick winter . ( which I have been stripping out for a month now ) Then he has a shorter , but still thick under coat for spring . This part is not falling out yet , and I really did not get near as much hair out of him as I thought I thought I would . In another month or so when it actually gets warm , he will start shedding again and get slick and shiny . I did not do the red horses , they will get a turn today I think . Afterwards I grabbed my tools of desensitization and Trax and I headed to the round pen . I have noticed that he has begun to drop his nose for the halter . The last few times he did it , I thought I was imagining things , but he did it yesterday too . It is intentional . This is a good thing . He started by trotting which I was not going to ask for but since he did it , I went ahead and asked him to tip his nose to me . We did both directions , and he did just fine . I was happy with his progress . Then we worked on rope fears . I waved it around , smacked the ground with it , tossed it at his feet , rubbed him with it , tossed it over his neck , tossed it over his butt , tossed it on his back feet , laid it across his shoulders and made him drag it around so that he could see it , and then drag it so that it touched him . He did wonderfully . I was going to tie it to my jolly ball and have him drag that around , but I could not find it at first . I now know that my jolly ball is 3 pastures ( not mine either ) over and I would have to go through a hot wire to get to it . So we abandoned that idea . I 'm hoping the next time the winds blows it comes from the opposite direction and brings it back home . What I learned from this exercise is that either he is really building trust in me , or he is not as afraid as he sometimes pretends to be . I know that some horses use feigned fear as a tactic to get out of doing some things . Killian is one of those horses . Perhaps Trax is too . Then I did jumping jacks next to him . What I learned from this exercise is that old women like me should not do jumping jacks without going pee first . So we abandoned that exercise as quickly as we began it . Since MK said I really need to make sure my body is turned off when doing this I chose to walk like we were in a parade . I waved my flag back and forth and up and down and smacked it on the ground while he followed behind me . This required him to walk towards it but I was always in between it and him . Then I would stop and we would back up together . Once he was doing that relaxed and with his head down . I was able to stand next to him and wave it around . At first he was a bit bothered by me touching him with it but pretty soon he was cool with it . I shook it under his belly and rubbed him with it there too . Then I put it in front of his face and held it to see what he would do . He sniffed at it , and nosed it around a little . I waved it around some and he was like , " Ya ya , its a bag , I get it now . " I waved it around behind his butt , which took a few to get him to just stand . I really thing this movement was more about him thinking I wanted him to disengage the hind , than it was about moving from the bag . It really didn 't take him long to get over the bag . Next we worked on our circles crossing over with the leg I was driving for . He really picks up on this one well . I really shouldn 't be surprised by this , because if you think about it the one thing he does best is move his feet . So it only stands to reason that the tasks he will excel at will involve moving his feet . Standing still will never be his strong point - halter classes will probably be a no go for him . Ha , I can see it now . I 'll get him squared up and the judge will walk up and Trax will jump into the grandstands trying to get away ! Afterwards I turned him loose and he followed me around . Then I sat in the middle of the round pen to see what he would do . Trax : Um Lady , can you come open this gate ? I cannot imagine why he is so fat . I was wondering where Killian was . . . . I should have known . Now I want you to look at the area he is standing in . He either has to turn around to get out of there or back his butt up the stairs . What I learned here is that even this big goofy horse can turn on a dime . That is exactly what he did and barely even touched the sides . I shooed him out and started scooping food . But I guess not fast enough . . . . I had to draw the line there because one horse is enough in this tiny space . You can see the have just about knocked down my dirt stairs . Gonna have to get some rr ties to put there . Meanwhile Trax waited outside like a gentleman . Trax : Hey old guy , what is it with Red horses anyway ? Talk about pushy ! I really think that Sassy is learning bad stuff from Killian . She has become very bossy and almost mean . I watched them tag team Trax last night . She herded him over between the wire fence and the skid steer , and then Killian came around from the other side with his ears pinned . They had him trapped and I was pretty nervous about how that was going to turn out . Trax just backed up into her and gave her a double barreled kick to the chest as he split . As far as I 'm concerned she had it coming . I wish he would get Killian like that a few times . He needs to come down a notch off his bully pedestal . Tonight I meet Kim at the free arena . Going to take some obstacles to work with . Should be fun . Posted by Back in about 2001 I lived with my husband , Mike , ( now ex ) outside of Eloy Arizona . We lived in a single wide trailer on 3 . 5 acres . On our property was another older trailer which we rented out . We lived in a little neighborhood of about 100 homes very far out of town . It was 23 miles to the nearest pay phone , and there were no phone lines in our area at all . It was right at the base of the Sawtooth Mountains and there was endless miles of beautiful desert to ride in . I loved it there . But alas , I did not have a horse . My next door neighbor and his wife had several horses , and boarded some as well . I often went riding with them , and helped with their horses . I mostly rode with the husband Tim , because his wife Linda , did not ride very much . ( she and I did other things together ) He had a horse named Booger , who really lived up to his name . They also had an old guy named Grampa , who I rode quite often , until he was retired . After a while Tim let me ride any horse I wanted and we often would spend an entire day riding . We would take two out , get them good and exercised , then bring them home , hose them off and saddle up 2 more and so on and so forth until they all were rode . It was how we kept everyone exercised . He always said he appreciated the help , I was just always happy to get to ride . Tim and Linda introduced me to some other friends of theirs , named Dana and Lynn . Dana had a gorgeous palomino gelding whose name I cannot recall . Dana was afraid of his horse because he hadn 't been ridden in a couple of years . I have to admit I really wanted to ride that horse , but they did not live in our area , and I was not willing to try it without Tim around in case I got into trouble . ( I did eventually ride him a lot , but that is another story ) Then as it turned out , Dana and Lynn needed a place to rent and our rental was empty , so we struck up a deal . I would rent the trailer to them and for the deposit they would give me one of their horses . They had just bought a pony for their son , but part of the deal was that they also had to take an old mare that was there . They called her " Poor Girl " They said I could have her . They took me out to meet her and I could not believe my eyes ! Here was the shaggiest , skinniest horse I had ever seen . I said , " She looks like she is dying ! " They said , " You should have seen her a month ago , she could hardly walk she was so malnourished . " They had had her about a month and had been working hard trying to bring her back to life and get some weight on her . I went out to get aPretty soon she started to fill out and the light came back to her eye . Her leg healed and she was getting some spunk back . The day she started to open her gate and wander over to Tim 's , at will , he said she was healed up enough to ride . We had to start locking her gate , she was pretty smart . She did it 2 times . She never went anywhere else , she just went to hang out with his horses . I 'm sure she was lonely . We started out slow with our rides , just walking up the road and back , but she really seemed to enjoy the exercise and getting out and about . Pretty soon we started taking our favorite desert trails . By about the 5th or 6th ride , as soon as we turned the corner into the desert she was ready to run . I never made her go any faster than she wished , but let her choose her pace . I couldn 't believe what an amazing horse she was . I could go anywhere on her and she loved to go out . I wish I had taken some pictures when I first got her so you could see the difference . Anyone could ride her and she adjusted her energy level for the experience of the rider . For kids she walked slow and methodical , stopping easily . If I rode her , she was energetic and ready to go . I could ride her bareback in a halter , or tack her up . She was never cinchy , never rude while we were riding , never rude on the ground . I didn 't ride her bareback often though simply because she was sway backed and I did not want to hurt her . Only at a walk did we do bareback . Some times I would use her to pull fire wood out of the desert thickets so we could load it in a truck and take it home . She wasn 't afraid of anything . I can honestly say that if there was ever truly a bomb proof horse , she was it . If she ever spooked I don 't remember it . toss away such a wonderful girl . During this time Tim joined the mounted Sheriff 's posse and had to pass all sorts of equestrian challenges with Booger . He was trying to get accepted before the big parade . One day I was over there on Sunshine as he was trying to get Booger to do the " box " . Booger was fighting and fighting . So I said , " Hey let us try . " Sunshine stepped into the box , then she backed out of the box . then she turned around and backed into the box , then she turned around in the box and then she side passed out again . Tim says to me , " I am not riding that Yak in the parade ! " I laughed and laughed ! She was a good good horse . It was funny because his horses were very pretty , and he was always making jokes about poor old Sunshine , but I think he loved her too . Which turned out to be a really good thing . . . . . he was totally safe . . . . Because then the unthinkable happened . We lost our home , through a series of really stupid decisions . Really stupid . I had to leave and I could not take her with me . ( by then the " renters " had already moved on ) Of course Tim took her in . He kept me updated on her and I went back to visit her when ever I could . He mostly just kept her happy and fed , unless a child or inexperienced rider came to visit , then he would them ride her around the yard . He told me that he trusted her more than any other horse on his property . He called her the Old Gal . Then one day I got the call . Sunshine laid down and went to sleep one night and did not wake up . She was just ready to go . She was not in pain . She did not suffer . But she was tired . He buried her in the back of his property next to a Palo Verde tree . We are guessing she was over 30 when she died When I think back to what a wonderful horse she was , and how she could adapt to be what ever horse her rider needed her to be , I think she probably deserved a better owner than me . Although , if I compare her life with me , to what her life was like before , I know that I did the very best I could for her with what I had . I know that she was happy and as healthy as she was ever going to be . I truly believe that God brought her to me . He brought her to me so that she could be my Sunshine , even for a little while . So although , her life may not have been great all the time , but in the end she was loved and appreciated for the very special horse that she was . Posted by 1 . I am a confident rider2 . I ride with conviction3 . I am the leader of this team4 . We are a successful team5 . My horse can do anything6 . Up the phone Pole - down the foxhole we will go . The ramblings of a middle aged woman and her herd Welcome to my blog about my life with our herd . We live here in Arizona on our own little patch of heaven with our 3 horses , two Labradors and 2 kitties . At the ripe old age of 50 something , I have embarked upon a journey to become a better horse woman . Its been a heck of a ride so far and I 'm just getting started ! I love to hear others comments so please do not be shy . I can assure you that I read and appreciate every single comment that comes across my page . I don 't always respond but only because I don 't always have time . All photo 's on this blog belong to me , unless otherwise stated , but I don 't mind sharing so just ask . If you need to contact me privately please feel free to email me at ms . cmdurham @ gmail . com . Thanks for stopping by . Cindy D Heaven is really nothing more than a little place in the country , my family around me , and a yard full of horses and dogs . . . . my herd . I have finally found heaven , and am so completely content , I just can 't help but share with others about my life . Welcome to the ramblings of a middle aged woman and her life with her herd . View my complete profile Day 4 consisted very little of me and a lot of Simon and Killian . I decided to give myself a break , and the paint horse too . MK called at . . . Yesterday the herd was in the pasture . It was the first time they had been out in a week due to irrigation . I hate keeping them locked up . . . It was gorgeous today . I was up early to get ponies fed before the vet came . I sprayed everyone with fly spray . Tried to rake up some poop . . . |
I feel like I 'm finally making progress , finally getting stuff done . One by one I 'm ticking items off my to - do list . I haven 't had to add much new . It feels like I can finally see a little pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel . I just hope it ain 't a train ! I used to think that once I get all these projects done I 'll be able to relax , but in all honesty , I think that 's a myth . The house will always need attention , as will the yard . Hopefully not as much at one time , but there is no " all done " in real life . I think realizing that has helped me relax and just focus on the task at hand . There is no finish line to race to . I fell off the diet wagon last week and I haven 't been able to hop back on . It makes me angry with myself ~ this Medifast food is so dang expensive . I do well with it all day long , then I come home and munch on cereal , string cheese , crackers , and once , ice cream . Totally undo the good I did all day . I picked up some Dessert Gum from the grocery store . I 'm going to try that instead of real food when I get home from work . At least I haven 't gained back the almost six pounds I lost the first two weeks . It was supposed to rain today , but now the skies are sunny and clear . The rain was moved to Thursday . So I 'm off to spray the yard with weed killer . Our neighbors have quite a crop of dandelions , and they 're starting to crop up in our lawn . Everywhere . Gotta try to nip that . I have the house to myself . I hardly know what to do first . Walker went to the hardware store , and when he gets back he 's going to help some neighbors . One older man had his mailbox run over last night , and another neighbor has a sink hole opening in their yard . I 'm not sure which bothers me more . Anyone who runs over a mailbox in the middle of the block is either drunk or extremely careless . But the sink hole is right next door . It keeps opening and they keep filling it . Walker put an entire trash can full of dirt in it just a week ago . Today , it can take almost another one . I have a feeling one of these days my living room will end up swallowed by that hole . The kids went swimming at a neighbors . Last week we had frost warnings , today is supposed to be 94 * . Drives me absolutely batty . I have no idea from one day to the next what to wear , what to work on , or how to handle my garden . I think I can put the frost covers away , but not too far . = ) Happy Memorial Day ! First , a heartfelt " Thank you ! " to our veterans and active duty service persons , as well as their family members . Your sacrifices are remembered and appreciated . It 's hard for me to believe we have reached Memorial Day already . The kids finish school this week . Maybe it 's the unseasonably cool weather , but it just does not " feel " like summer to me . On Saturday , Diva decided to donate her ponytail to Locks of Love . My mom took her to the salon , and an hour later my little girl came home looking all grown up with her new hair cut . I 'm proud of that kid , and the way she always thinks of others . She is a very generous child . Earlier that morning , she came in the house and asked if I had any chores for her . She had found an angel figurine at a neighborhood rummage sale , and really wanted to get it for her other Grandma . She needed to make two dollars . I 'm pretty sure she knew that if she had just asked me for the money I would have given it to her . But she wanted to earn it , so she did . Grandma got an angel , I got a dust free living room , and Diva got her wish . The swelling in Ernie 's foot was indeed caused by the fluid we are injecting under her skin . The vet said that can happen sometimes , if the needle isn 't centered in her neck . We 're supposed to give her half a dose at a time now , twice a day . She barely tolerates the procedure . I have to wonder : if she had all that swelling eleven hours after we injected her , does that mean her body wasn 't using that fluid ? Do we still need to be giving it to her ? She goes back to the doctor on Thursday for another check . I spent a couple hours working in the yard this weekend . I discovered that my hanging flower basket is all dented and misshapen . It looks like it was banging against the house during the tornado . We have a couple aluminum window frames that are all bent up , too . We got so lucky . It could have been so , so much worse . The weather folks did a map showing the route of the tornado through town . When it was FOUR BLOCKS from my house , headed our way , it stopped dead . Lucky , lucky , lucky . We have a lot to be grateful for this Memorial Day . Everywhere I go , I hear storm stories . " Where were you when the tornado hit ? " is the question of the week . Friends share photos and video . And the destruction ! It amazes me how random it is . On one block , every house but one is fine , but the one that got hit is minus a roof , or siding , or knocked off the foundation . Trees are torn up , and streets and sidewalks are buckled up from the tree roots that got yanked out of the ground . Several major employers have had to close , at least for now , due to storm damage . So many people , out of work , just like that . The tornado missed us by just four city blocks . Pretty sobering thought . I came home from work this morning and found Ernie , playful as a kitten , but with a very swollen front paw . It did not seem to bother her , as she leaped around the living room like she hasn 't done in years , hopping from one piece of furniture to the next . I have a call in to the vet , and I 'm trying to stay awake until he calls back . They told me that it most likely is caused by the fluid we 're giving her under the skin , but they want the doctor to talk to me just to be sure we don 't need to do anything differently . We are supposed to have temps in the thirties tonight . Yep , the thirties . Did anyone remember to tell the weather gods that it is supposed to be almost summer ? I 'm going to have to put my capri pants back into storage at this rate . The last of my tulips have come into bloom . I wish they lasted longer , but I guess that 's one of things that makes them so special . They are here for just a short time . Looks like Blogger is wonked up again . I was trying to comment on a few blogs but kept getting kicked out . Don 't ya just love technology ? Not sure I should be taking time to write a post right now , as who knows if it will even show up , but what the heck - I got home from work on time , got my chores done , and have to wait for one last load of laundry to finish in the dryer so I can fold it before I go to bed . So , I got time . Ernie seems much better these days . She looks so much better . I feel terrible knowing she must have been having problems for a while before we took her into the vet . How did I not see it ? I just thought she was moving slower and acting more quiet because she was getting older . Now that she 's perked back up , I realized her age had nothing to do with it . If she hadn 't lost weight so suddenly - dehydration - I might have missed it all together . I always thought I was a good kitty mom but I blew it this time . Ernie 's continued care will be a budget buster . She needs a special diet , plus meds , plus daily fluid injections under her skin . She 's limping a bit , and I 'm going to ask the vet about glucosamine for her . Not sure if that will help - it should if the limping is from arthritis . Anyway - what she needs right now will be about $ 130 a month . Plus more frequent vet visits . Plus , maybe , the glucosamine . Guess it was a blessing in disguise that the used car I had my eye on was sold before I got to the dealership . We can make due with what we have for a while longer . Of course , all the stressing about the budget caused me to take a flying leap off the diet wagon . I did pretty well until late Saturday night . The kids were all in bed , Walker and Bro were watching TV , and me ? Oh , I sat in front of the computer working on the budget and bonding with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos one of the kids left on a tray table next to my desk . I forgot how salty those things are . The next morning my hands were all swollen from the salt . I didn 't bother to do a weigh in . I could not even get my rings on . Ah well . That 's what tomorrow is for - I can always try again . Growing up , everybody knew the Indian legend about our town : tornadoes do not touch down where three rivers meet . Some people went on with scientific " facts " to back the legend , some just embellished the story . The important thing was , everyone knew it to be true . Or so we thought . I don 't know who turned the TV on today but as I was passing through the living room , Walker told me there was a bad storm heading our way . " Are we concerned ? " I asked the boys . Nobody answered me . I watched the breaking news for a minute , then I asked the kids to put on their shoes . We got each of them a cold weather outfit and their prized possessions ( Cubby 's book and Squeak 's stuffed dog ) and loaded everything into a Rubbermaid tote . We got out the flashlights , extra batteries , and some food . Into the tote it went . Finally , we put a protesting Ernie into her crate and hauled everything down to the basement . I left the kids downstairs and went back up to get myself ready : shoes and socks , my cell phone , a sweatshirt . I was putting my meds into my pocket when Bro asked what I was doing . " The storm won 't last more than an hour or so . You don 't need those . " I told him that if a tornado hit the house my meds would end up three towns away . I think that was the first time he really took it seriously . When the tornado sirens went off we went downstairs ourselves . I had to wonder , as I shut the basement door , if my home would be standing when I came back upstairs . The kids did great during the storm . We made seats out of patio chair cushions , put blankets over ourselves , and waited . Walker brought down a radio , and at first all we got was a prerecorded loop telling us to take cover . Then they started updating . I was scared , but when we heard that there was a tornado in our town - and heading our way - well , that kind of fear is new to me . Everyone stayed calm . Well , except Ernie , who really wanted out of that crate . Then they announced homes were down . In our neighborhood . And we just waited . Clearly , we are all fine . If I had been out of town for the day , and just got home , I would have no idea from my block that anything at all happened other than a little rain . We don 't even have tree branches down . Four blocks from our house , though , a different story . Homes and businesses damaged . For the rest of the afternoon , the sound of sirens passing . We haven 't left the house . Police are asking folks to stay put , so nobody gets in the way of emergency personnel . No reports of anyone hurt , thank God . So much for the legend . . . . . I 'm not sure if Ernie is okay or not . She 's having trouble with her back legs , and she 's still wobbly on her feet . At first , the vet said it was the sedation but that was on Thursday . Surely she should be over that by now . Then we thought she was sore from her procedure . I 'm not sure but every time she struggles to walk my heart skips a beat . She 's eating well , but has yet to poo . We 're giving her fluids under her skin , and while she 's still thin , she looks so much better . She feels heftier , too . The kids are very careful with her . It 's quite precious to watch . We tried a yard sale again this morning and again got rained out . Since it 's all set up I think we 'll keep trying until we get a good day . As much as I hate getting up early after a late night at work , I 'm motivated by the idea that whatever money we make goes into the vacation fund . We 're hoping to meet family at the EPCOT Flower and Garden Festival next spring . We have some saving to do if we want to meet that goal . In the process of getting ready for the yard sale , I went through a couple closets and of course , the basement . I learned something valuable : women hold onto things for a length of time directly proportional to the amount of money they spent on said item , even if they know they will never use it again . Case in point : I had a shelf in the linen closet full of cosmetics , mostly hair stuff , that I spent too much money on because someone ( usually me ) convinced me that using this exotic , overpriced stuff would make my wimpy hair thick and curly and gorgeous . Um , yeah . I know . But somehow I was always a bit surprised when it didn 't work . Maybe I did something wrong . Cause , you know , it 's hard to use shampoo and conditioner and spray gel . Surely with practice I 'll be able to make it work . Until I gave up and shoved the half used bottle of whatever into the linen closet . Where it stayed . Cause , you know , I spent too much money on it so I can 't throw it out . Except I did . Throw it out . All of it , except the shampoo , which Walker will use . The stinky lotion , the body wash that gave me a rash , the leave in conditioner that won 't weigh fine hair down ( but did ) , the dry shampoo that makes your hair look just washed ( but didn 't ) , the deep conditioner that dried my hair out so bad I could not get a comb through it and ended up pulling it into a pony tail all knotted so I could get to work on time . The mineral makeup , the lipsticks that make my teeth look orange , the " smokey eye " shadow that made me look like I lost a fight . . . . . . all tossed . After convincing myself that the money I spent on this stuff was gone , no matter how long I kept it , I tossed the first jar of stuff . Then another , and another . . . . . It felt surprisingly good . The guilt I felt for spending too much on stuff that I never used went into the garbage , too . Lesson learned . I mentioned this to a group of friends and every single one of them copped to the same thing . For some it was clothes , for some it was kitchen stuff , for some it was craft supplies , and for some it was cosmetics , like me . But every one of them had a " stash " of stuff they knew they would never use , but could not give up because they spent good money on it . Too bad we can 't all have a giant swap meet . Bring all the stuff we can 't use and trade it . You know , that 's not a bad idea . . . . . Ernie made it through her procedure just fine . At first the vet thought she would need to have it done twice , as she was pretty well clogged up . But things went really well so now he 's going to let her come home , and we have to monitor her ourselves . The vet is keeping her at the clinic for the whole day , so they can give her more IV fluids . Walker will pick her up this evening . I wish I did not have to be at work . Ernie 's not out of the woods yet . She needs a special diet to keep this from happening again . Hopefully she likes it , as there will be no more treats . She 'll be dehydrated for a while , so we have to give her fluid injections under her skin . She 's probably going to be uncomfortable from the procedure . We need to keep her quiet . I know that some people think I should have let her go , had her euthanized . That 's fine . They are entitled to their opinion . But Ernie is my baby , her problem was fixable , and , had she died during the procedure , at least she would have been asleep and not in pain . I had to give her a shot at getting better and no matter what happens tomorrow , I 'm glad I did . Ernie went to the doctor today . Walker said she was pretty well behaved , which surprised me . She let them take a blood test , which came back fairly good . She does have some indicators that her kidneys aren 't functioning as well as they should , but that 's normal for a kitty her age . The real problem is that she is constipated . Badly . I wasn 't expecting that , as she pooed just this morning but the vet says that what is coming out is not all that should be coming out , and that without intervention she would live maybe a week or two before the toxins built up in her blood and killed her . Clearly , we 're not going to let that happen . In the morning , Ernie will go back to the vet . She 'll be sedated , and she will get IV fluids and an enema . There is a fair possibility that she will not survive the sedation ; she 's weak and dehydrated . The vet gave her fluids to help with the dehydration , but they can only give so much at one time . So , tomorrow morning I 'll take my baby to the clinic to give her the best possible shot at getting better . I hope I get to bring her home . My Ernie cat is going to the doctor tomorrow . I called a vet we haven 't seen in a while , and explained how she she hasn 't been eating much , and I explained how she gets aggressive an agitated when we bring her to the doctor . This vet agreed to see her without sedation to try to get a blood test and maybe a urine sample . The urine probably won 't be a problem . She uses her pee as a weapon at the vet . I know y ' all probably think I am exaggerating , but I can assure you : she is five and a half pounds of fluffy fury when she goes to the doctor . She hisses , spits , bites , scratches , and , if she 's really mad , flips onto her back and shoots balls of poo at the doctor with amazing aim . She has torn apart exam rooms , broken stuff , peed everywhere , and generally wreaked havoc . Yep . It 's an adventure . Between the yowling and the crashing of equipment to the floor , the people in the waiting room are more than a little nervous when our door opens . So I know y ' all will find this hard to believe , but I did not purposely schedule the appointment during my work hours . That was totally up to the vet clinic , as they had no morning or early afternoon openings for a week . I did not stick Walker with this duty on purpose . Really . It sounds like Ernie may have a hyperactive thyroid . There are a couple things the vet wants to check for , but based on the symptoms that 's where I 'll lay my odds . I can feel a knot in her neck , but I don 't know if that 's her thyroid gland . It 's in about the right spot . Anyway : I feel better now , knowing that we can at least try to help her without the risk of sedation . If they can 't pin her down long enough to get blood , we 'll have to move on to Plan B . Right now , I don 't actually have a Plan B . So please , cross your fingers for us . We 'll need all the help we can get . I started the Medifast plan a week ago today , and so far , I 'm down 4 . 6 pounds . That 's better than I hoped for . I seem to remember that last year , the first two weeks brought the biggest loss . I 've decided to make the goal a round thirty pounds , so I have a good start . Diva has been wanting to go back to the Mall of America . I was thinking that when I make my goal , I 'll need new jeans , so why not road trip to the Mall to get them ? The last time we took Diva to the Mall of America we went after school on a Friday , and we had to have her home on Saturday by suppertime , so there were a lot of things we didn 't get to do . The promise of a trip back will be another great motivation . Walker is painting the front entry of the house . He 's been at it for hours . Today is the perfect day to paint - sunny , warm , nice breeze , low humidity . Walker is very precise when he works a project like this , much more so than I would be . The paint started peeling last fall and I wasn 't able to do anything about it . I 'll be very glad when it 's done . Walker will make it look fabulous . This morning , just after 2am , the neighbor across the street got a visitor . There are a lot of people living in that house and someone is always coming or going . I don 't sit and watch my neighbors , LOL , so I don 't know what was going on but I could hear music when the car pulled up . Several minutes later , the music was still going and someone started blowing on the car horn . Repeatedly . The horn blowing went on for several minutes and I decided enough was enough . I went across the street and approached the car . Inside was a young woman dressed for a night out . Two men were talking on the lawn . Apparently the woman wanted to get going and didn 't care if she woke the whole neighborhood to make her wishes known . I don 't know what the men were talking about - they were loud but didn 't sound angry , though they were not speaking English so who knows - but they were about eight feet from the car . Miss Lazy could have hoisted her fanny out of the car and joined them , or even rolled the window down and said something . She didn 't need to lay on the horn a dozen times . So I approached the car and asked her to please stop blowing the horn . She gave me this totally blank look and said , " Okay . " I asked her if she knew that it was 2 : 30 in the morning . Same blank look , and , " Yes " . Then she got out of the car , walked over to the men and yelled at them for several minutes until one of the men went into the house and the other went back to the car . I started laughing on the way back across the street . I had charged out of the house in my fuzzy pink robe and bare feet . I must have looked pretty odd coming up to the car in the dark . I don 't much care . I do have to wonder , just what happens inside someone 's head that basic respect for others goes out the window like that . Not only the woman in the car , but also the two men on the lawn who ignored all that rude horn blowing . When did we stop caring about our neighbors ? The crab apple tree has burst into bloom but I haven 't had any patio time . It 's gone cold outside , with a frost warning tonight . What is UP with this crazy weather ? Diva and I put in a couple of veggie plants last weekend , so before too long here I 'll have to go cover them . I also have to bring the hanging baskets and pots from the window boxes into the garage . What happened to spring ? ? We were planning a yard sale for this weekend , too , but called it off due to cold and rain . We 're going to try again next week . We hadn 't advertised , so calling it off was not a big deal . I hope we can get something done with it soon though . We have a lot of treasures to find new homes for , and not much of a garage in which to house them . We 're going to have to do another sale in a couple weeks . Walker went on his summer schedule this weekend . That means he works shorter shifts , but five to six days a week instead of four . He hates the schedule , but it leaves more time for him to do things around the house . That makes life easier on me . On the regular schedule , he gets three days off a week , but he usually is so whipped he spends the first day resting , the second day socializing , and the third day he tries to fit in everything he 's put off for the week . It doesn 't often work . I don 't know what 's going on but the last post I wrote keeps disappearing . I put it up twice yesterday , both times it was there for a while , but then it disappeared . There 's nothing questionable in the content . I love technology . Three days on the diet and so far , so good . Yesterday was the first day I was really hungry , and I have those days even when I 'm not on a diet . I chewed a lot of gum , stayed busy , and got through it . Medifast food tastes okay , but the portion sizes are pretty darn small . More like a snack than a meal . Walker & Bro went marketing and came home with all kinds of healthy stuff . They cooked it for me , too . With support like that , I got this . My kitty is still doing okay . She isn 't eating much , but she is eating . The weather suddenly got hot - 92 * and humid , after weeks of unseasonable cold . Ernie never eats much when it 's really hot . But I worry . I check on her constantly . I 'm probably driving her nuts with my hyper vigilance . Poor old girl . If she gets fed up with me she hangs out with Bro . He brushes her and talks to her and sneaks her treats . She never would let anyone else come near her with a brush . Walker took my car into the shop for whatever the automobile equivalent of a check up is . They looked it over , gave him a pretty short list of recommended maintenance , and , after some discussing between us , fixed everything on the list . We spent almost $ 600 but for car repairs , that didn 't seem too terrible . Well , the next day the service engine light came on , then the day after that it started making some terrible squeaking noise . Back to the shop it goes . At some point , we need to decide to stop with all the repair bills and trade the damn thing in . But every time we take it in , they tell us , this is it now , you should be good for several months . Ahem . Right . I do trust our mechanic - he 's a family friend and well regarded in his field - but I think you can only predict so much . We need to win the lottery . I guess that means we need to play the lottery . Right now , I 'm counting down the hours till the weekend . I don 't know why this week feels like it 's dragged on forever , but it does . We 've been so busy . We 're getting a lot done and I feel great about what we 've accomplished but I 'm looking forward to some time on the patio , under my about - to - bloom crab apple tree with a good book . Posted by It started with a pair of blue jeans . Last summer , I lost about 30 pounds . So last fall , when the weather got too cool for capri pants , I needed to buy new jeans . Smaller jeans . That part was cool . But I still had somewhere between 15 and 20 more pounds to lose , so I only bought two pair of jeans . I figured I would shrink out of them before they wore out , so I didn 't want to get more than two . Guess what ? I noticed a small , frayed hole in one of those jeans yesterday . They 're wearing out . I haven 't dropped any more sizes , either . In fact , I gained about 6 pounds during radiation and another couple over the few weeks before my last mammo when I was stress eating all the time . I 've got at least 25 pounds to go now . Maybe more . With that in mind , I went back to what worked for me last summer : Medifast . On paper , I don 't like the idea of Medifast . It 's a program of prepackaged meal replacements , and it is darn expensive . My ideal plan would be to incorporate " real " food in healthy recipes , add in regular exercise , and turn it into a lifestyle . Um , yeah . Great on paper but in real life ? Forget it . I have no time to shop , no time to cook , and no time to look up interesting , healthy recipes that I actually have the tools and skill to cook properly . If left to my own devices I would eat Cheerios four times a day , take a multi vitamin , and call that good enough . And , at times , I have done exactly that . The plus side of Medifast is , it 's easy , and of course , it works . For me , it was much easier than I expected , and though I didn 't follow the plan 100 % , I lost weight . Thirty pounds in four months . It occurs to me that one reason it worked so well for me could be because I had cancer . I guess we 'll find out , as I 've ordered another few weeks ' worth of food . I 'm going to give it another go . Due to the cost , I won 't be following the plan 100 % this time , either . Instead of eating Medifast food for the prescribed five times a day , I 'll go for three times . The other two mini meals will be a low carb snack . Greek yogurt is a favorite . A hard boiled egg . Reduced fat string cheese . Something like that . Anyway - I hope plan to be in smaller jeans by the time I pack my capris away again this fall . With overweight being a risk factor for breast cancer , I have extra incentive to get to my goal . I do not want to go through that again . It 's time to get serious about getting healthy . Wish me luck ! Walker and I , with our concert tickets . We were among the lucky few who got these on the first try . I wanted to add a photo from 1993 , when I saw the same performer with two friends . We were all dressed up and holding our tickets at our hotel before the show . When I hunted for the photo , though , I sadly discovered it was in the box of photos that was destroyed in the flood . There 's no insurance that can fix that . Before the show we went to a fabulous , and I mean FAB - U - LOUS restaurant for dinner . This is the view from our table . Pretty , right ? Considering that less than three weeks ago , we ate here and saw this . . . . . . things are definitely looking up ! Notice the blossoming tree on the right edge of the photo above ? I consider it a miracle that those blossoms weren 't lost to the snowstorm . While we were eating , we saw these tour buses pass by . Five of them . Followed by Ryder trucks . Three of them . We knew we were in for a great show . We were among the first into the venue , but the seats filled in record time . And then it was time . . . . . Ladies and Gentlemen , fresh from the Royal Wedding , Sir Elton John ! Ernie seems to be her old self . No more incidents . She 's eating well and has spent the last couple days curled up on one of the kids or sleeping on the bathroom mat . Just like before . I have my fingers crossed that whatever happened was just some flukey thing . The kids are cooking Mother 's Day brunch for Grandma and the god mothers . Bro invited his soon - to - be ex wife , so she could enjoy scrambled eggs and waffles cooked by her boys . I 'm proud of Bro . My parents ' divorce was not , ever , amicable . We were well past the age of majority before they would be in any room other than a courtroom at the same time . I 'm glad my nephews don 't have to go through that . I 'm proud of my sister in law , too . She didn 't have to accept the invitation . The kids knew nothing about it . She could have said no . She 's picking the boys up at noon , anyway , so it 's not like she wouldn 't get to see them . My mom had a rummage sale today . I got up early to help her . It was not a great day to sit in the driveway . Cold , windy . . . . the sun didn 't come out until the last hour . My mom mentioned that she went to the end - of - year program at the boys ' school last week . That startled me : I 'm still scraping frost off my windshield after work . How can it be the end of the school year already ? But , yeah , they have about three more weeks . Yikes ! Happy Mother 's Day to my blogger pals with kids . I don 't have kids , but I feel like I do . I 'm content to be the world 's coolest auntie , not that I have a choice . I feel very lucky to have such great kids in my life , even if they are on loan . = ) I 'll enjoy every bite of my brunch tomorrow , even if I do end up cleaning up the mess . Maybe I 'll have to take pictures of the kitchen when the kids are done . And finally , if you can stand another photo of my tulips . . . . I just love how , when the sun goes down , they all close and " nod " off in the same direction . I always think they 're sleeping . Til next time ! Once upon a time , a guy I thought was prince charming brought me a very special gift , hidden away in the pocket of his coat : a tiny gray kitten with big blue eyes and a little patch of white on her neck . My roommates and I were not exactly allowed to have pets , but the apartment had mice , so Roomie # 1 had adopted a gray cat named Sophie . Roomie # 2 was a raging Bette Midler fan , and Bette had two characters named Soph and Ernie in her act . Roomie # 2 agreed to let me keep the kitten only if I named her Ernie . So I did . That was 22 years ago . Ernie and I have been through a lot together , including a succession of kitty brothers and kitty sisters . She has outlived them all . Though Walker likes animals , he 's not into being a pet owner . He 's not keen on adopting any more furry kids . Ernie was my first baby , and will likely be my last . It 's not easy watching her get older , seeing her slow down . She 's lost a lot of weight , even though she eats well . She 's been wobbly on her feet . She doesn 't appear to hear or see well . She startles when I reach to pet her , as if she didn 't know I was there . Sometimes she tries to jump onto the sofa and doesn 't make it . All of this scares the heck out of me and reminds me that her days with us are limited . But today , she broke my heart . She was walking through the kitchen when her back legs went out from under her and she toppled over . I went to pick her up but she scooted away from me , on her front legs . She kept trying to stand but her back legs did not want to hold her up . She would not let me pick her up . My sister 's dogs are over and the younger one , a puppy Ernie barely tolerates , kept trying to get closer . Ernie got more and more agitated , moving in circles on three legs while one back leg appeared to be having some sort of muscle spasm . Ten minutes of this , and all of the sudden she seemed fine again . She went into the living room and hopped onto the sofa like it was nothing . So now , Walker and I have to decided what to do . Every instinct tells me I need to take her to the vet but I know , at 22 years old , what they can do for her . Pretty much nothing . The vet already told me he has never had a female cat live to 23 . The thing is , Ernie does not enjoy the vet , she does not enjoy the car , and she does not enjoy going outdoors . She gets so agitated that the vet has told me I need to sedate her before I bring her in . She may not survive the sedation . I had another cat that was sedated for a vet visit and she died in the car on the way home . So there it is . The plan for right now is to keep a close eye on her . Walker has the next couple days off , so that 's his job when I 'm at work . If she has another episode , I guess we 'll have to risk the sedation to get her checked out . I so do not want her to have one minute of unnecessary pain . Posted by |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . In many of the old stories , the coming of heroes and their fantastic adventures are foretold in mysterious prophecies and cryptic riddles . In reality , things are never so clear , and nothing can be predicted except the coming and going of the relentless sun over the sky . Most stories just happen , such as the tale that will now be told . This will not be a story of damsels in distress or noble princes . This will be a story of pain and blood and death , and of six heroes that would forever change the world . Living in Athas is a continuous struggle for survival , and for our heroes , things were no exceptions . Aryenne Duneborn and Alina Tiger , sisters in blood , had lost their brother and father and were sold as slaves to a ruthless noble of Tyr . Legion the Thri - Kreen and Corrin Trelorindarzin were gladiator - slaves in the arena for the better part of a year , literally fighting for their survival every day . Haunted by nightmares and faint memories of a time since long gone , Sarghon Mindstalker was finding it a rough task indeed to endure the political struggles of a corrupted city . Finally , Sariel , Templar of Tyr was searching for a legend that could not be found , knowing that every day brought her own world and people a little step closer to annihilation . Such were things when Kalak the Tyrant - King was killed in his own arena , and the city of Tyr erupted in chaos and rebellion . This was the opportunity that Sariel so patiently had waited for . During the following days , luck , or fate , brought the heroes together , united by a struggle to survive and a leader with a zealous dedication to her quest to save her people . We finally had a quiet day . Sariel was attending a Templar meeting in the Golden Tower so there was nothing to do , no stupid errands to run and no riots to fight . I sat in the shadows in the courtyard and watched my group waste their energy as usual ; my sister Alina was practicing her monk skills , the Halfling Corrin fought with the insect Legion and Sarghon , the large blue skinned man , was telling them what they should do to improve themselves , except no one really listened . All this practicing every free minute is really like watering a flower in the desert , a total waste of effort . And water ! Suddenly , a man entered the courtyard and asked for Sariel . He called himself Salabus , and said he was representing an " honest businessman " , but it was clear to everyone that this might not be an entirely correct statement . The man did not want to tell us his business , which made my sister very suspicious . He could for some reason only trust it with Sariel . He said he knew things that might be interesting for us to know , but it was completely impossible to get anything useful out of him . He seemed very interested in talking to us though . Legion was curious as well and started to investigate the man more closely with his antennae . As is usually the case when people living in the city see Corrin and Legion , they start talking about their stupid gladiator fights . It turned out that this man was a big fan of the duo . In my opinion , there must be better things to do than killing animals and each other just for fun . And all those people spending money to watch the slaughter … that is nothing but stupid ! The chat was interrupted by Musa Dyan , one of the more respected Templars in the city . And he had picked us to help him ! It seems like we are making us a name . Musa Dyan told us there was a riot going on in the city , and we could see smoke over the rooftops . Legion and Corrin were eager to fight and I was happy to get out for a while . Also , everyone knows that when a Templar asks you for something , you do not refuse . That would be like looking into the eyes of an Id Fiend . On the way , we were told that the riot started as an attack against the Veiled Alliance , a group of fanatics who are against defilers and who have swept over the lands as a swarm of locusts , causing bloodshed and turmoil . Some of the Veiled escaped the unrest , but were wounded and weak . Forget about the riot , this was the perfect time to destroy the Veiled in Tyr . We were going down a street in the city when we suddenly were surrounded by an angry mob . Their leader told us to step away from the Templar so that they could kill him . He was stupid as a half giant , that one . Sarghon tried to reason with him and asked what wrongs Musa Dyan had done . The human had , not very surprisingly , no answer to that question . In the meantime , Legion investigated this new human thoroughly . Of course we stayed by the Templar 's side and the mob attacked . After a short fight the mob was either dead or fleeing for their lives . All but one . He was badly hurt , but my sister Alina pitied him and saw to his wounds . He was interrogated by Sarghon but didn 't have anything to say except that all Templars are evil . Sarghon persuaded him to see things differently . During this delay , Musa Dyan became very impatient and looked absentminded multiple times , like he was looking at something at a great distance . Then he said " They are getting away " and hurried along the street . We left the converted human with his new insights and went after the Templar . We arrived in front of a house and Musa Dyan told us to attack from the back door , while he would take care of the front . In the backyard , a small boy with only one leg was sitting on a barrel . Sarghon and Alina gave him some bread and sweets and he started to talk . He seemed to know things ! He knew that we were searching for the People Without Faces , and he knew that we were one member short . He said that the people inside the house would disappear through the other door to the Dark World if we tried to attack . Before we got a chance to interrogate him any further , he suddenly disappeared into thin air , like a drop of water spilled onto the ground . Our party walked further into the backyard with my brave Spirit Lion in the front . The yard was deserted and empty , as a city street when the sun is at its highest point . All doors to the surrounding houses were barred except the one leading to the house Musa Dyan had pointed out . Legion kicked the door in with broken wood and splinters as the result . The Spirit entered the empty room with confident steps and bared teeth , enough to scare anyone away . Suddenly a veiled man and a gravely wounded woman appeared . They ran past the Spirit and tried to force their way out , escaping from the alarm coming from inside . A fight started where we all fought bravely while fireballs swirled through the air . Me and my sister were knocked down for a brief moment and the veiled man grabbed the unconscious Alina and threatened to kill her if they didn 't get to go free . The party agreed to save Alina , but Sarghon had other plans . He used his psionics to confuse them , and suddenly Alina was back on her feet and ripped them apart , efficiently putting an end to the fight . When we met the Templar , he was pleased to hear what we had done , offering us his help if we ever got into trouble in the city . What a fortune ! I have in less than a week , managed to earn favors among not only one Templar , but two ! Maybe there are some rain clouds at the horizon after all ! According to the human 's calendar , it is the 11th day after the Festival of the Soaring Sun in the Year of the Priest 's Defiance . It 's also the day after we fought The Veiled that almost killed the blind girl and her sister . Alina seems to hit harder than we first thought - especially after that great artistic attack that killed the two veiled people . That attack cracked the chest of the woman and it was way easier to open . How much I like the taste of fresh human hearts ! ( Droplets of blood can be found here ) However , Alina 's still hurt badly and needs some time to recover . It 's Legion 's turn to look after her . Aryenne isn 't happy with that - not at all , I can tell ! During the morning hours we 're sitting around in the yard . We 're just telling Sariel about the events of yesterday , about Musa Dyan , about Salabus , about that one - legged boy and The Veiled . Sariel tells us about that Templar meeting . The Tyrian Guard lost the Iron Mines to Kalaks Templars , and rumors say that they had Urukian help ! People say that the Maid of the Golden Tower isn 't doing her tasks well enough and some also talk about spies inside Tyr . Some minutes ago , a boy that seemed to be in really bad shape approached us . He must be handled quite badly - he has a black eye , two front teeth are missing . He can 't speak well and is hard to understand . The boy bows to Sariel and says his name 's " Fpaydeuvw " . What a horrible name to give someone who can 't speak well . He wants to bring us to Salabus - at least I guess that is the one he wants to bring us to . Sariel says we follow him , so we do . We arrived at the Sculpturers ' Square . Nice place ; I 've never been here before . It looks like the people here are less poor - but not particularly rich either . Once we arrived , we are approached by Salabus indeed . He tells us about Crodlu , his rival businessman . For my taste , he says far too often that works for an " honest businessman " . He wants us to hinder Crodlu 's business . For the time being we tell Salabus that we 'll do our best . We also learn that the boy 's name 's " Spider " . That 's one hard word to pronounce if you can 't speak well . Crodlu ; a strange name for a man . I 've fought several Crodlus in the arena , but something tells me that this one won 't be defeated that easily . We decide to first ask around about that Crodlu . Sarghon will go to the backyards , Aryenne will look around for other half - elves , Sariel will go to another store and I 'll wait in front of Crodlu 's store for someone to come out . Crodlu has nice sculptures to offer ; no wonder Salabus doesn 't like him . After I 've waited in front of Crodlu 's store for some minutes a guy came out . He told me that it 's possible to get EVERYTHING in that store ; we just have to have the coins for it . He said the sculptures of Crodlu are crap , but he has no taste ! We agreed to meet at the center of Sculpturers ' Square and that 's where I 'm sitting now . Aryenne came back fast from her round - with no new info about Crodlu , just a story about a half - elf she did upset . I barely listened . Sariel , who was second to arrive , told us that the other shop - owners do think it 's not just sculptures he is offering . They guess you might even get iron and wood there . Wood - what beautiful pictures come to my mind when I think about wood - it is home to me . Algor is far better than this desert with its desert - like cities . Finally , also Sarghon came back . He asked a boy in the backyards who told him that people disappear at night . After a short discussion we decide to go to Crodlu and talk to him . Sarghon will do the talking while we shall have a look around . That gives me a chance to have a closer look to these sculptures . Now we know why Crodlu 's called Crodlu ; he quite looks like a crodlu - human mixture . Sarghon did order something from Crodlu , but I wasn 't really paying attention to that . We are supposed to come back in a week or so . I 'd this nice sculpture in my hands , a Choker climbing a tree . It reminded me of home and I swirled in memories . Suddenly , I awakened from them , when I realized that I 'd dropped the sculpture . Now it was all pieces and Crodlu didn 't look happy . I didn 't know what to say , but Sarghon said something that calmed Crodlu down . We went to another square full of people . Now Sarghon talks to this man . He seems to trade chit - chat with him . Something about a dragon ; how much I 'd like to taste a dragon one day ! The night came faster than we expected . Suddenly it dawned and we went back to the Sculpturers ' Square . When we arrived it was almost pitch - black . I hid in front of Crodlu 's store and watched two people walk in that store . None went out though . After an hour more of waiting we decided to go in ourselves . I opened the back door and immediately felt a breeze . That breeze came from the pottery - making thing . There also was a snoring from above and a ladder leading upstairs . We moved that pottery - making thing to the side and found a trap - door below it . Carefully , we climbed down . Here 's a big labyrinth of caves . Probably that 's part of the older city - state of Tyr . There 's torchlight coming from one of the tunnels and we 'll follow it . We came to a widening . There we heard a boy talking to lizards or something similar . After a careful look , we approached him . He told us his name 's Erdlu . He seems interested in feeding upon us - or at least feed us to his lizards - creatures . He is going on about a mother that 's coming . Some minutes later , 4 creatures came from where we came . They were gang people from the Tooth Cutters . When they came into the light Aryenne recognized one of them as the half - elf she talked to , at Sculpturers ' Square . They attacked us ! Sarghon tried to pursue Erdlu to fight with us , but the boy was just looking . He liked what he saw - I assume he was pretty hungry . I thought that he 'll get some food soon ; either these elves or us . The fight was tuff . One of the elves was a very agile guy , very hard to hit . We killed two of them and they already started to retreat . The agile one ran off , but we managed to kill the other elf . We attempted to run after the last one , but it was impossible to catch him - he 's simply too fast . Now we are sitting here with Erdlu who looks happier than ever . This boy is strange . He keeps on saying that Mother 's coming . We hear a scream that must have come from the elf and a deep rumble that gets louder and louder . I 'm not looking forward to Mother 's arrival … We were in the catacombs of Under - Tyr that we had found under Crodlus shop . There was a strange boy with us , called Erdlu after the lizard , who we had just saved from the Toothcutters . Our strong and powerful group was on a mission , given by Salabus the merchant . He wanted us to scare Crodlu the sculptor to stop smuggling his dangerous goods into the city . Erdlu said to all of us that the Mother was coming . He said she had seen Legion before . " Even rock cannot stop her ! " Legion replied that he has never been there and didn 't know what she was talking about . At this moment , the earth started to shake and from a big hole in the ground , the Mother appeared . A wyrm , strong , big and dangerous , ready to kill and eat everyone around it . She looked at Legion , and he bended double next to me and started to mutter of pain and surprise . I could almost sense her mind myself , but she seemed to be targeting the Thri - Kreen specifically . She was screaming and showing her hungry tongue . The small wyrms in their cages also started to scream in excitement . Everyone know that the underground wyrms are tricky and awful creatures . Immediately thereafter , the Mother snapped with her head , and my sister fell to the ground , bleeding badly from a bite in her side . To make matters worse , the disgusting Erdlu opened the cages and all the creatures came to help their mother . Upset by this , Sarghon hit him with one of his psionic powers , and instantly , the big wyrm sensed the blood and swallowed the little boy whole ! " Run ! " , Aryenne called out , and Sarghon and Legion decided to do as she said . I , however , felt the pain of my sister , and wanted revenge . Even blinded , I could not avoid sensing the fear of my companions . " I will throw away this rubbish ! " , I yelled , and started a furious assault upon the mother and its wyrmlings . I stepped over the tail of one of the wyrmlings , lifted the creature up in the air with a kick and tossed it with all my force in the ground , aiming the splashy spider web towards the head of the Mother . The great wyrm made a furious scream , her offspring 's web blinding her temporarily , and the others dived in to take advantage of her confusion . Sarghon unleashed his mighty powers , Aryenne 's spirit attacked relentlessly and Legion swung at her again and again with his sword . I was back on her , with punches able to crack stone . Suddenly , Legion caught fire using whatever forces he is in alliance with , and with mighty slashes fried the flesh of the Mother . All of this happened because of my initiative , but I still had the image of my wounded sister in mind , and gave it a last kick which cracked the skull open of the giant wyrm . Before the death of the Mother , everyone saw an image in their head . The image was of angry sisters and the wyrm brood , suddenly aware of introducers in the underground that belonged to them . They were coming at us , ready to kill … We checked the barrels in the smugglers cave , which Salabus had promised contained treasures and artifacts . Unfortunately , they were empty , and with the enemies closing in on us , we had no time to search further . We rushed out of the caves , up to Crodlus shop , and entered just in time to see him smash the head of an intruder we did not recognize . He did not seem surprised to see us ascend from the ladder to the catacombs , and asked if we also were men of Salabus . We saw no reason to lie about this , and quickly overpowered him . The sculptor pleaded for his life , unaware that we never had the intention of taking it . However , when Legion asked him of his relation to his son , or why the beast Erdlu had called his mother had swallowed him , he could offer no good explanations . The wyrms were the friends of his son , and he could not say much else . We were heading back to the Quarters when suddenly an old friend of Legion , the famous ex - gladiator Nori Silktongue , intercepted us to warn us that the Toothcutters were out for our blood . It appears that Crodlu 's business was run by the Toothcutters , and that they would be quite upset for losing their ability to smuggle things through the Under - Tyr . The Silktongue invited us to meet with Mulmehr Shahram , or the Titan as he is called on the streets . He was an enormous man , almost as tall as Legion and twice as broad - shouldered . The Titan had his own dispute with the gang , and offered riches if we could help him against the Toothcutters . No harm in helping such a rich and generous man as him , I think , and Legion could vouch for Noris honesty from their fighting in the arena in past . He also told us that Salabus is our enemy , not a friend . Apparently , Salabus was the leader of the whole gang ! This didn 't make any sense to us , as he was the one who had told us to go to Crodlu in the first place , but we held our tongues . As a final hint , he mentioned that he believed his old companion , Shivri Halfblood , was a member of the group , and that he thought this was a good place to start asking around . We accepted his words , bade farewell , and went home . I fell asleep the second I hit the bed , and I am sure my sister did the same . After the long night before , I was looking forward to a long night 's sleep , resting my body and processing the events of the past days . The troubles of Tyr are many , and many people are eager to use this situation we are in for their own benefit . It is truly troublesome times , but I was convinced that we were on the right path of rebuilding Tyr and helping its people . But as I closed my eyes and fell asleep , old memories came back and began to trouble my mind . I slept , but it was shallow , and I couldn 't help thinking about what I 'd seen in the dreams . But my thoughts were cut short , as faint movements in my isolated living quarters alerted me . I made out a dagger in the dark , ready to strike ; I clearly saw its sharp edges revealed as a silhouette against the soft light from the morning sunrise through the windows . I lost my chance to divert the dagger from its target , and awoke quickly as it plunged into my shoulder . Quickly , I got up but could already feel the poison from the dagger flowing through my veins , weakening my body . I was puzzled at first and tried to grasp the situation , trying to fend of my adversary as thoughts went quickly through my mind . Soon realized that I had no chance to survive under these conditions , and I grasped into the deep mind of my opponent and filled it with distracting images , meant to disorient him long enough for me to escape outside . While running for the door , I became worried of the two sisters that I had taken pity upon and taken under my protection in the aftermath of the rebellion . Their house was just across the big empty place where the area 's water well is positioned , and I worried that the same fate had fallen upon them and the others of the group . As I came closer to the door , my fears were realized as I heard the soft thumps of bone and wood meeting in fierce battles . I quickly became tired as the poison flowed deeper into my vessel ; I felt heavier , slower . Limping through the yard , I tried to get closer to Aryenne and Alina , who were fending off attacks from what appeared to be guards in the morning light . What are the guards doing here attacking the girls ? Thoughts ran through my head , nothing made sense anymore . I tried to get closer to see better , but my steps got heavier as my body 's energy was depleted by the poison . My cowardly attacker quickly caught up with me , I could see his elvish distasteful face now in the light . Between dodging feeble attempts of attacks by this rogue elf , I could also see Corrin and Legion fighting of a strange , black , two - headed Panther . What monstrosity was this ? I was only hoping I was having a terrible dream , and it would soon be over . But while looking over my shoulder to see how the others were doing , my adversary took his chance and thrust his spear deep into my shoulder . The pain was excruciating , so intense , I had never felt any pain like it before . The disgusting elf raised his spear for a finishing blow , but just as he was thrusting it into my heart he halted his movement as I heared a sharped high - pitched whistle . All the enemies quickly ran away , shortly after followed also by the panther who seemed eager to stay and finish the job . My adversary stopped in his steps to deliver a message : " This is a lesson from Aitekki to leave us alone " . Aitekki ? This elvish name certainly makes one wonder . But the message left by the elf echoed in my mind , I began to doubt whether we were really going down the right path . Soon after I understood the reason they left , as a group of heavily armored soldiers passed by the square shortly after the abominable band of scums left us , and they were walking towards the golden tower . What was going on here ? Too tired to care , I tried to regain my consciousness as began people pouring out of their houses to see what had happened . Obviously these people were afraid of the fighting and did not dare to interfere . They aided us to get inside to recover from the battle and there we were able to get back home for some rest . But we didn 't get more than a few hours to rest , as we were waked up by loud voices outside accompanied by storms of footsteps . After going out to see what was going on , we understood that something was happening by the arena , as hordes of people were gathering towards this old entertainment spot . We all were tired still after the long day , but decided to go look for what was causing all this commotion . There I recognized several old acquaintances , but went up to talk to the especially familiar face of Davith Vordon , one of the wealthiest merchants in Tyr . He was surrounded by bodyguards dressed in heavy armors and big swords , but remembered my face and allowed me to join him . A place was made ready for me , and with a little wine I tried extracting some information from him . He had clearly enjoyed a big rise in income from the current events in Tyr , as he had grown even fatter than when we last met . But our discussions were cut short by Ortlo the Lunatic , previous member of the legendary Crimson Companions , entering the arena floor . People cheered as she walked onto the center of the arena and dumped someone who 'd apparently gotten a serious beating ; the man could barely stand . Soon after Shamash entered and the crowd cheered , if possible , even louder . He explained that the man , a traitor Templar named Harsu Handar , has been working with the enemy state of Urik , who 's armies recently occupied the iron mines of the north , and are now marching towards Tyr as we speak . He was guilty of treason and would pay with his life for this . Harsu Handar sat on his knees in the sand of the arena and shouted how the true king is coming , but his words were cut short as Shamash thrust his sword into his heart . It was silent for just a heartbeat before the crowd roared once again and Shamash exited the arena . Spooked by the news , I excused myself Davith Vordon and joined up with my group once again . As we left the arena I spotted Nori Silktongue staring at me , and shortly after he began walking towards us . He informed us of the Titan 's absence , but refused to answer us on his conditions or the reasons to this sudden absence . He also informed us how his old rival had walked down one of the streets , Shivrin Halfblood , who he claimed to be associated with the Toothcutters . Legion picked up Nori Silktongue and we ran through the streets to catch up with this man . He was not hard to spot , surrounded by four bodyguards that only with their appearance cleared the path ahead of them . We were able to convince the man to give us audience for a discussion in a secluded place over some fine wine , and sent away Silktongue with words that we should meet again soon . We found a nice secluded drinking place , and ordered in some wine . Shivrin Halfblood emptied bottle after bottle and became more and more talkative , revealing more information as more bottles were emptied . It seems the intelligence of Nori Silktongue was true , as Shivrin Halfblood confirmed how he works with the Nori Silktongue . Once again the name Aitekki came up , as their leader . Happy with the information we 've gathered , and happy to survive last night 's assault , although barely , we went back home to return to our beds . But for a while I could do nothing but stare at the roof with my mind filled with thoughts of day 's events . Who was this Aitekki , what are devilish two - headed panther - creatures doing in his service , should we join the army 's march to oppose the marching forces from Urik , what about the toothcutters ? Many questions , but the biggest one was the hardest to fully grasp the extent of , and answer ; have we joined the right side of this fight ? I felt we were at a big crossroad , and we had no idea where neither of these would take us . A dark , terrifying crossroad filled with choices . << With our friends we went to the house of the Titan . We already reported about him some nights ago . Legion wanted to claim for the weapons and equipment that the Titan promised us . And the rest of our clutch was agree with this solution . >> << Yes , we know . But we will disappointed you . We have waited long time to the gate of the Shahram 's family house , speaking with the guards and trying to convince them that we are good friend of the Titan . Saryel and Sarghon are very good in such kind of stuff . After a while the Titan 's son , Melehr Shahram , appeared . He was very sorry and worried , since his father is sick and he couldn 't receive us at that moment . Everyone was a bit suspicious about it , but Alina felt that his concerning was genuine . In any case , we didn 't get the new equipment promised . >> << No . After this useless visit we saw the fat guy of last night trying to catch our attention . Shivrin Halfblood looked worried at that moment and without guards . He told us that he had decided to help , and lured us in a narrow alley . And then , betrayal ! An arrow from nowhere came and hit Sariel on the shoulder . The Halfblood tried also to kill us , but Legion were faster than him . Even do we forgot how strong could remain a old gladiator after years of inactivities . Quick as a snake he wriggled and tried to run away from us , when another arrow came . We dodged it , but not the second one that entered deeply in our shoulder … It was very painly but not enough to stop Legion that were ready to run after the fat traitor . However we couldn 't succeed , because a force shook us off our feet ! The two - heads panther , our old enemy , appeared to finish the work of last night . But , at that moment , the situation was different and with our friends we easily surrounded the beast , that feeling in cage and in trouble with another flash of energy disappeared from our sight . Fortunately there is someone between us that doesn 't need eyes to see . Alina with an agile jump reached the upper floor of the surrounding building in which the panther tried to hide itself and using her strongest technique easily defeated the beast . The honor of Legion was save and the way to Shivrin free . Suddenly we tried to go to catch him when another arrow , a magic arrow , exploded between our clutch . We were very worried for them , especially for our friend , Corrin . >> << Finally we saw him . An eladrin with a long arc was going not only to kill us , but also Halfblood . The fat bastard was crying and praying for his life when he saw us behind him . Sarghon screamed to keep him alive since we could need him and the information in his head . Because of this we also blocked with our body another arrow directed to him . Then the eladrin re - addressed his attention to fellows running toward him . Alina received another injury from him and we couldn 't understand how she could run after him when he decided to escape through the roofs of Tyr . Our friend told us that was a long and tiring pursuit that took them on an old building in which the killer disappeared . Meanwhile Sargon , with our help , was questioning the fat gladiator . He was sincerely scared from us because he didn 't believe that someone able to kill the two - heads panther could exist . But more than this he was worried for his life . He said that he was forced by Aitekki , the leader of Toothcutters to betray us . Shivrin told us also that he engaged The Nameless One , the eladrin killer that we fought to keep our mounth close forever . At the end we saved Halfblood life , with the promise of a new and a better equipment for us . >> Still breathless from the long chase , Corrin , Alina and I came back into the dirty little alley . My back hurted due to the long jumps over the rooftops , but it was definitely worth it : Finally we had a hint , where at least a few Toothcutters were hiding and my mind swore to take revenge . We would pay them back the next night ! Very rougly and careful not to mention to many details in the presence of Halfblood , we told Sarghon and Legion about our experiences . They also had some news for us : Apparently Shivrin was so scared of Legion , who had lots of plans how to make the fat guy part of a ' delicious ' recipe , that he invited us to his home and to offer us some new equipment . Usually I think this ' eating humans ' thing by Corrin and Legion is really disgusting , but at this point I had to admit that at least the threat , had been really useful . Half an hour later Legion half pushed , half carried the completely exhausted Halfblood into is house . Through a heavy door he led us in his repository . The pretty large room was stuffed over and over with armor , weapons and other items and many of them looked really old and useless . I really hoped that we would find something useful in here that justified , why we didn 't kill Shivrin the Betrayer . One after another we rummaged in his stuff and brought things to light : A heavy leather shield for Legion , a new dagger for Corrin , a staff for me and also stuff for the others . During his efforts to divide the good from the bad stuff he told us stories of him as a gladiator and I couldn 't really figure out , what was the truth and what just fairytails . There we discussed the future plans . For me it was fixed that we would go during the next night to the hideout of the Toothcutters and revenge all the attacks and all the injustice that they did to the citizens of Tyr . But Sarghon had a different opinion . We argued a lot and I really started to think that his feeling thing really fogged his mind and his clear thinking . After a long discussion I finally exercised my rights as a leader and we figured out a plan how to approach the area . Afterwards we went - with the ' new ' cloaks in the baggage - to the Toothcutters hide out and tried to look for entrances and guards without drawing much attention . After dismissing the plan to approach through the underground , we agreed on entering the complex of builidings over the roofs . Silently I went to a sideway alley and shapechanged into spider form . Quickly I crossed the street and crawled up the high wall . At the inside I could see some people carrying stuff towards something that looked like a ' Halfling - tower ' and the guard we had seen earlier in the morning on top of the wall . After a while a large man came out of one of the buildings . He was pretty large and muscular and bossed the people around . He was apparently the boss in this area . When I came back I told the others what I 'd seen and we figured out a plan to pay a prostitute for going in there and cause a moment of distraction so that we could get over the wall easier . As soon as it was dark , we climbed carefully up a near house and jumped over towards the builings within the wall . 5 meter below us the prostitute was leaded pretty roughly towards a door and pushed in . A moment later , nasty screams filled the clear night air and echoed back from the houses . Silently we made our way further through the complex . Suddenly a single guard appeared and saw us . Corrin threw quick - witted a shuriken at him and hit him deadly . But apparently other guards had heard that something fishy was going on and within seconds we were involved in a fight . More and more enemies appeared and we killed one after another . Legion kicked the door , which led into a room where we had heard the prostitutes screams come from and caught the leader and the prostitute red - handed . The prostitute was bleeding heavily , apparently the leader had hit her severely . The Leader stood up and got a large warhammer from a shelf before Legion could attack him for the first time . Although the guy was completely naked he fought like mad . Through the door and between hitting and killing enemies I could see that he made to hit Legion often pretty hard and in the end the large insect went prone to the ground . Sarghon ran towards him to assist him in his fight since also another elf had joined the Leader in the room . As soon as Corrin , Alina and I managed to hold the enemies outside at bay , Corrin and I ran to help our companions . With united forces we managed to kill both the Leader and the Elf and Legion survived with the healing abilities of Sarghon . We were standing in front of the low , circular building . Corrin and Legion tried to eat but Sarghon would have none of it and started to descend the stairs . Claw bared his teeth to the man - eaters , and we joined Sarghon down into the darkness . Soon Legion and Corrin followed . The steps took us down the tower . The walls were smooth and made of black stone . Suddenly , as Sarghon took another step down , we all heard a faint click and the stone he just stepped on sunk down a little . Sarghon stopped immediately . Corrin , who is well acquainted with traps of all kinds , soon figured out the mechanism . If Sarghon was to take another step , the stone would fall and we with it . Legion or Corrin , both with blood and bodies on their brains , got the " brilliant " idea to fetch one of the dead bodies upstairs to put on the stone . They disappeared out of sight . Suddenly we heard someone coming from below and Sarghon took a pair of arrows in his shoulder . We both quickly put our bodies against the floor to hide from the shooters . Corrin was throwing shurikens from a level above us and Claw threw himself in between the enemies , biting and growling . Suddenly Legion came running with the speed of a hungry Tembo . He had a body dangling from his shoulder , but when the big insect , still running like mad , entered the loose section , he clumsily triggered the trap and we all fell down . Bump , bump , bump . Three stories below , the fall finally stopped . Me and Legion managed to stay on the stairs , while Sarghon , fumbling and trying to regain his balance , lost the grip and fell even further . Luckily for him , he managed to find something to hold on to on the next level . We easily killed the archers and their companions . The enemy was jumping down to our broken stone from the upper stories , but we killed all of them but one . He threw himself down to the next level but misjudged the distance and hurt his legs so badly when landing , that he fell down to the bottom of the tower . We heard the thump a long way down . When we got to the bottom of the stairs we saw the man lying on the floor , arms and legs in strange angles . The walls weren 't black down here but still seemed well made and the corridors and chambers made me think of a palace . Sarghon , who seems to know a lot about old things , confirmed that when he started to talk about some Kalif and the Palace with the Black Tower from the ancient times . Whatever … In the servant quarters we found a couple of beds and tried to get some rest . A moment after closing my eyes , I heard footsteps approaching . First I hoped that I had only heard voices from the Other side , but then I noticed that my companions had heard it too . Corrin stealed up to the door to get a look at the search party and after a while he returned with news of the enemies ' numbers , but also with a message to Sariel . I didn 't bother to listen . We hid in the dark room , waiting for the searchers to pass , but one of them spotted us ! He managed to cry out a warning before he got his entrails wasted on the floor . After an interesting fight in the doorway , Claw finished off the last fleeing elf and we went on to examine other parts of the palace . To be honest , I mostly looked for a new nice place to sleep … This 's a long day . We tried to get some rest in the Black Palace , but this didn 't seem possible . This weird message , I got from The Nameless One for Sariel is still stuck in my head . ' The Land within the Winds ' , ' Remember your kin ! ' - I don 't understand the message , but it seems to tell Sariel something . She 'll know what to make of it . There are lots of Toothcutters running around here , searching the area . They seem highly alarmed , so we 've to take care . After we 've left the room , we went on - away from the lights . We often hit paths that look like something collapsed here . After some time , we saw light in some distance . While Sariel , Sarghon , and I cautiously tried to see or hear something , Aryenne suddenly shrieked up . She claimed to have seen some shadow in the dark . I don 't see or hear anything there . But after we 've all agreed that there isn 't anything we 've to bother about now , we move on . Also , we hear voices from the direction we came from . So we move on . We arrived at the bright path and looked in both directions . We couldn 't see a creature in either direction . We somehow had the feeling that the path to the left leads back to the black tower . Thus , we head right . After a couple of Halfling - feet , we saw a downwards staircase on the left - hand side . The line of torches leads that way . Sariel changed to a big spider and had a look down . She saw two people moving away from the staircase . They 're talking , but Sariel couldn 't get what it 's about . Now the staircase seems free , so we all go down . Downstairs , we see two corridors , one to the left , and one to the right . We flip a stone and it decides we go left . After many more Halfling - steps , we turn left and follow the pathway straight for some time . It gets a little narrower , but it 's still lid quite well . We ignored a path on the left and headed straight . To the right there is a door now and there 's a huge room behind . There 're a red and a black talking somewhere more back in the room . We are going to sneak into the room . At first , we all hid in the shadows quite well . After a few steps though , Aryenne stumbled over a stone . This , of course drew attention to her and the red knew her face . He immediately knew that the Templar Sariel belongs to her . So they went into the light . I managed to stay hidden in the shadows . Suddenly I realized who the man in black clothes is . It 's Aelar Longstride , the mighty elven seeker of the Crimson Companions ! How much I liked his work with the bow ! But what does he do here ? The red said many words now ; I wasn 't paying so much attention to that . I only heard one important name : Aitekki ! After a short glimpse around , I saw that the red was pointing at Aelar . Aelar is Aitekki ; Aitekki is Aelar . That was my chance ! I could kill Aitekki right now ! However , when I drew my shuriken , Aitekki called the others in the room to kill us and started to move away . The red started to make silly movements with his hands . I 've seen them before , some days ago in a backyard . The Veiled did similar movements and it hit me like this . The red 's a wizard and he 's going to shoot stuff at my friends . Thus , I threw my shuriken at the red wizard instead of Aitekki . Aitekki went out of the room , leaving us to die on the hands of the red wizard . But it wasn 't only that wizard we had to fight against . There were many other elven and human creatures , not looking friendly . After we managed to fight off most of the creatures and deal the red wizard some damage , more creatures came in . Luckily they 're not very experienced and went down quickly . We pressed hard on the wizard while he did revenge this guy and that guy . Luckily , he did never kill one of my friends . When we 're about to win the fight against him , the earth began to tremor . I threw my shuriken at him , but it didn 't take him down . Then , Aryenne spirit appeared in front of him and I saw him going down . The earth continued to tremor , big pieces of the ceiling fell down . One came down were Aryenne just stood a second ago . We all managed to leave the room alive . We ran for our lives . We fled back through the corridors , up the stairs , through more corridors . There were more people fleeing all around us , but we didn 't care for them . We reached the black tower . Here it was a little quieter and we could take some time to catch breath . We climbed back up to the part where the stairs did collapse , hours ago . But the tall Thri - Kreen Legion helped us all up at that point . Aryenne almost fell at one point . Suddenly , there was not Aryenne falling , but Sarghon and he managed to grab the stairs . Aryenne was safe , but a bit puzzled , at the place where Sarghon stood a second ago . I 've seen Sarghon switching places with one of us before , but this time it was really unexpected . I think he save Aryenne 's life there . We opened the door at the top of the tower and saw the red shapes , a rising sun creates . But there were also many spears around us , along with not one , but two Templars . At first , I was happy to see so many that would help us ; finally an army ! Then , one of the Templars started to speak . They were arresting Sariel ; for conspiring to kill Ishtar of Tyr ! He claimed that Sariel is a traitor from Urik . They arrested all of us and will bring us to the golden tower . Crap , I want this day to end ! How long will it go on ? … that is what I have become in the past ten years . Though my service to Salabus is getting to its end , I have never felt the reason that kept me alive over these years , so far as it seems now . My debt for the safety of Mealdis and the child growing in her womb at the time of our parting is payed back by blood and crime . How could I return to them after these long years , after so many corpses , as an old thug , haunted by remorse . But even thinking of remorse is pissing on the memory of long - dead gods . Yesterday I murdered two defenseless man , and participated in the killing of some other city guards . Salabus sent me on a last task to free a group of falsely accused scavengers from the custody of the city - guards . The guards were led by two Templars ; Jaqim Condo and Rithisak Dyan . Salabus blackmailed Dyan , so he led the marching to a blind alley , where I was waiting . My task would have been to intimidate Condo and his man , and force them to retreat . I surprised them overly well ; my first hit found Condo unprepared , he paid with his head . His captain and hirelings did not fall into panic seeing the fall of their master , they were up for revenge . They remained disciplined even when they realized that Dyan is ordering his people to not to interfere . The soldiers stoke me organized and hard , I fell into the ground severely wounded . I always considered myself prepared for death , but in that moment I was paralyzed by fear , that this last mission will pay me the end that I deserve . By that time Sariel and her companions regained their weapons and were prepared for fighting the guards . A strange blue man , Sarghon and a girl , Aryenne came to my aid and saved my life , allowing me to return to the fight . The forces were equalized ; it was a good fight , until the commander fell . His death was the final blow to the moral of the remaining guards , they tried to retreat , but Dyan 's guards did not allowed anyone to leave the alley , of course he did not want to leave anyone alive , to tell about the ambush . The fight turned into a massacre , a bloody massacre . My sword crashed the bones and cut the guts of another defenseless man , I was burning in anger that was eased only when the grotesque grin of violent death froze on his blood - covered face . When it was finished I led the prisoners to a derelict warehouse . All of us needed the rest , badly . The very last thing I ought to do is to lead Sariel and her friends out of the city unharmed or to help them clean their name . This morning I told them what I know about their arresting and the involvement of their ' friend ' , the Titan . I also unfolded what I overheard some weeks ago at the shop from the conversation of Salabus and a strange young man . The stranger claimed that Sariel 's comrade , Arannis is in trouble in a cave to the north that serves as some kind of meeting place for them . First , I did not gave credibility to the hearsay , and just told Sariel about it as a sign of good will , but the expression of her face , and her decision of leaving the city immediately to the north , leaving their unfinished business with the guards unresolved , convinced me about the importance of the information . The road to the caves leads trough the desert , the road is long , dangerous and hostile even if there is peace . However , now the lack of shelter is the least concern of the wanderers ; the armies of Urik are marching against Tyr from the north . After Aryenne helped me collecting the equipment and mounts for the trip , our next concern was the way out of the city . Sariel choose to set up a meeting with Musa Dyan , asking him to repay his debt by letting us go . It was obvious that her request was against everything he values , but in the name of honor he agreed to escort us to the gates and provide safe passage . But he also swore that , he will hunt every last of us down and deliver justice for our souls . So far , he kept his word … Now , the wind of the night desert is freezing to the bone , war is ahead of us , justice is behind . After ten years like the one passed on me the company of traitors , cannibalistic gnomes and man - eating giant ants suites me better than the warmth of a family . Therefore I 'm determined to aid this party until my soul is redeemed , one way or the other . |
" You sure about this , Spangles ? " " For the last time , Tony , I have to find him . " " No , no , I get that , long lost BFF , magically back from the dead , blah , blah , blah . I 'm not talking about Barnes . I meant working with those two , " Tony gestured to where Reed Richards and Stephen Strange were conferring near a large , complicated machine . " I mean , I know you 're desperate but to resort to cheap parlour tricks ? And yes , Richards , I 'm talking about you ; you can pull your ear in now . Give J and I just a little more time and I 'm sure we 'll track down Buckaroo in whatever corner of the world he is currently terrifying . " " And what if we 're too late ? What if he 's bleeding out in some hole somewhere and needs me now ? I can 't wait , Tony . " Steve didn 't look up from the backpack he was checking for the tenth time . Natasha and Clint had provided him with what Clint called " a Bond 's worth " of undercover gadgets but Steve hated that he couldn 't take his shield . Apparently even brown hair , a beard , and face - recognition scrabbling contacts to change his eye colour wouldn 't be enough of a disguise if he took the shield . And he knew that but it doesn 't stop him from feeling unprepared without it . " I just can 't let him down , Tony . Not again . " " Yeah , yeah , well , if you 're set on going , you better take this . Not everywhere in the world takes StarkCard . " Tony pushed a small wallet sized packet into Steve 's hands before wandering off to poke through more of Richard 's lab . When Steve opened it , he was shocked to find a variety of gemstones , all different colours and sizes , apparently organized by value . His first instinct was to call Tony back , to tell him that he couldn 't possibly accept this , even as a loan , and then his brain helpfully supplied at least a dozen scenarios where it might just be necessary to buy Bucky 's freedom and he slipped the pouch into the inside pocket of his jacket . " So , Mr . Stretch , you 're really sure that this doodad of yours isn 't going to , I don ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Whaddya mean the parish can 't pay ? He 's sick . He needs help . " " Don 't you take that tone with me , James Buchanan Barnes ! You 're not too big for a switch . " " Sorry , Sister Agnes . It just doesn 't seem right , ya know ? So soon after his ma and all . " " I know , James . And we all are praying for Steven 's recovery but we simply do not have the funds at the moment to cover more of his hospital bills . Not so soon after Christmas . Steven is not the only member of the parish to need help this winter . You more than most should know that . What would your Ma have done without your wages when your Pa got hurt ? There but for the grace of God she and those sisters of yours would have been needing charity sure enough . " Somehow Bucky managed to reply politely to Sister Agnes , to thank her , accept her thoughts and prayers for Steve without expressing exactly what he was thinking about God 's grace at the moment . Where was the grace in taking Steve 's Ma in October and giving him pneumonia in January ? Where was the grace in Bucky finally having enough money saved to get a place for him and Steve only for his father to break his foot and not be able to work for over a month ? He had told Steve that he didn 't have to make it on his own but what use was Bucky to him now ? He couldn 't even convince a nun to cover Steve 's medical bills . Steve hadn 't even wanted to go to the hospital in the first place . It was Bucky who convinced him to go , who had promised that it 'd be okay , had told him that he 'd take care of it , to not worry and just get better . And now , not even a day later , he has to go and tell Stevie he was wrong , that he had no help to offer , just the promise of more debt and misery . Bucky 's sight went blurry and he ducked into an alley , lighting up a cigarette with shaking hands . He slumped against the wall , closing his eyes and willing the tears not to fall . Christ , he was useless . " You look like you could use a good time , mister . " Bucky was too worn out to jump when the voice seemed to come oSteve spent his first few minutes back in the past stifling slightly hysterical laughter in an alley . After all the preparation , all the arguments about what he would need , all the compiling of contacts and leads , all the debate about if he should dress to blend or just be the obvious American tourist , after all that , the mission took a turn that nobody expected . Well , nobody except Strange . And Strange is . . . Strange . It hadn 't taken Steve long to figure out where he was . Or when he was , really . It should have been a shock , all the sights , sounds , and smells of the Brooklyn of his childhood after his years of adapting to the future . Instead it was almost a comfort . This was familiar , this was his home ground ; he might not have expected this but if this was when Bucky needed him , Steve knew , unequivocally that he was the best Avenger for the job . He just had to find him . And maybe find some clothes that were a little more era appropriate . Boots , dark jeans , a black t - shirt and a leather jacket might have let him pass under the radar in most of the world but Steve knew he stuck out like a sore thumb at the moment . He took a few minutes to stash the backpack in the back of the alley , carefully burying it with heavier pieces of debris . Anyone without his strength would have to be pretty determined to find anything . His first mission was to figure out exactly when he was . It had been mid - September when he stepped through the portal but judging by how cold the wind was it wasn 't September anymore . A discarded newspaper gave him the date , a clock in a store window gave him the time , and his memory filled in where Bucky would be . Or at least should be . January 18 , 1937 . 9am . Bucky would have been at work for an hour already , getting the shop open for Mr . Wisotsky . At nineteen , Buck had been pretty proud to have a full - time job . Steve 's first instinct was to head directly to the store , to see for himself that Bucky was okay but he knew that if he went there directly , he wouldn 't be content with just looking through ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " Bucky ! " Becca gave her current best friend , Betty Malone ( not to be confused Betty Mahony as Bucky learned the hard way ) , a quick hug goodbye and hurried across the street to meet him on the corner . She was smiling , a little flushed in the cold but in the happy , pink - cheeked way she got , not in the fever bright way Steve had been when he saw him at lunch today . " Bucky , you 'll never guess what happened today ! " He couldn 't help but smile at his little sister , a real smile , not the fake one that had passed her scrutiny from the other side of the street . Becca had been eight when the family fortunes had shifted , old enough to know something bad had happened but too young to really understand why they had to move . Somehow , though , she had been the one to keep everyone 's spirits up . If Bucky had buckled down , become more serious , more aware of his role as the oldest , the only boy in the family , it was Becca who convinced the twins that it was an adventure to share a room , who invented new games when their toys broke beyond repair and there wasn 't money for new ones . Watching her , knowing all she could have had , Bucky had sworn to do all he could to make sure that she and Katie and Mary always had everything they needed as well as any extras he could afford . His mother occasionally scolded him for all the little treats he bought the girls , saying that he should be getting himself another coat or new boots or a day out at Coney Island with Steve but Bucky would just smile and tell her that he had all he wanted . " Uh , lemme see , Mr . Hardy finally realized he had an ape in his classroom and you 're off to the zoo ? " " Shush , you 're just still mad that I didn 't name my doll after you . " " No , I 'm still laughing at you for calling a stuffed monkey ' Me . ' " Automatically , Bucky reached for Becca 's schoolbooks to carry as they walked home . " You and Betty studying today ? " " Yeah , we have a geometry test tomorrow . Oh , but you have to hear the news ! Betty heard from Carol that her cousin , the a ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Steve couldn 't believe how much he had fucked this all up . Looking up at Bucky 's pale face , his eyes shadowed and lost , Steve could only curse himself for not handling this better . He had seen the flash of panic on Bucky 's face when that man had gripped his shoulder and he forgot about hanging back , forgot about keeping his distance and all he could think about was getting Bucky somewhere safe , and he didn 't stop to think about the fact that he was a stranger to Bucky at the moment . A stranger who Bucky thought was paying him for sex . Fuck . He definitely wasn 't going to be able to deny it the next time Sam accused him of making up plans on the spot . Instead of a happy , healthy Bucky safe from muggers , errant cars , and any other physical hazard the city could conjure , he had an exhausted , terrified boy waiting to be raped . Fuck . " I 'll make sure you get to work on time , I promise . Go take your bath , baby . " Steve wasn 't sure where the endearment came from . Calling Bucky punk , jerk , asshole , or stupid was usually as close to an endearment as he got . But this wasn 't his Bucky , tall , strong , and up for anything . And he wasn 't this Bucky 's Steve , sick with grief , stuck in the hospital with pneumonia , and angry at the world . That Steve might be barely able to help himself right now but this Steve could do something for his friend . Even if it was taking the Stark approach and throwing money at the problem before taking a drink to try to forget how badly you screwed up . Steve wasn 't sure what drink he was on when the bedroom door finally opened and Bucky shuffled out . He had put the hotel robe over the pyjamas but Steve could see rolled up cuffs over bare feet . He felt a buzz go through him and chose to blame the booze . His Bucky had never seemed so small . His Bucky had never been so vulnerable . Or maybe Steve had just never seen it . Maybe he had never stopped to look . " I , uh , didn 't know if you wanted my shoes , too . " " Give ' em here , we 'll get them polished . I told the manager tha ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Steve had thought that going somewhere public and having Frankie along would relax Bucky but instead he seemed to get more and more tense as the evening carried on . After the show , they let Frankie out of the elevator on his floor and continued on to their room in silence . He suspected that Bucky wanted to ask him about his motives again and Steve still had no answer so he ducked into his room , tossing a quick goodnight over his shoulder and closing the door . Bucky was still quiet in the morning , coming out of his room wearing his old suit like he wasn 't sure if that was allowed or not . Steve just kept up a patter through breakfast , practically reading the paper out loud before hustling Bucky off to work with another gourmet lunch , a handful of cash , and an invitation to come back that night . Home safe , he sat back at the table to finish his coffee but barely a minute later , there was a quick knock at the door and Frankie let himself in . " Whaddya doing to that kid ? He looks miserable . " " Nothing ! I haven 't done anything to him ! " " You 're confusin ' him , that 's what you 're doing ! You 're already paying ' im , what 's with the romance ? " Steve could feel himself blush and he was glad he had kept the beard . It didn 't hide all of it but it did stop him from looking like an overripe tomato . " I 'm not romancing him . I just want him to be happy . " Nobody wants people like us to be happy . They just wanna use us to make ' emselves happy . " " Well , I 'm not like that . " If Steve was flushed now , it wasn 't from embarrassment . Frustrated with himself , with the situation , with the whole fucking Depression and its fallout , he stood and threw his mug against the wall . Watching the pieces fall to the floor , he felt helpless . What use was his strength here ? " Ya know , there 're other ways to blow off steam . Like the one you 're already payin ' for . " He had forgotten Frankie was there . Steve turned back to the table to see him helping himself to the leftover food . " I don 't - I 'm not going At least ten times that day , Bucky took the two keys out of his pocket and just stared at them . The keys weren 't that fancy ; one was slightly larger than the other but otherwise they were quite plain . It was what they represented . He had left the key to his room on the small table in the entrance yesterday but today , as he was leaving , Mr . Kent handed him his lunch and the keys , explaining that the larger one was to the suite and Bucky should just feel free to let himself up that evening . He had no idea what it meant . He had no idea what any of this meant . Last night he had spent most of the show just watching Mr . Kent , trying to figure out why . Why be this nice ? And to Bucky , of all people ? And why had he woke up hard thinking about the crinkles around Kent 's eyes when he laughed ? Why had he watched Mr . Kent 's hands during breakfast , imagining how they 'd feel , touching him , holding him ? Frankie hadn 't mentioned anything about actually wanting his clients . Apparently some were better than others but it was a job ; a job he enjoyed but not one he took home . Wherever that was . For as much as he had talked last night , Frankie didn 't really share anything personal , keeping all his stories light and funny . Bucky had been short with him that morning and rather than snap back as Bucky expected , Frankie had just asked if he was okay and only nodded when his answer was brusque , with no further prying . To be honest , Bucky wasn 't sure if he even had the words to explain what he was feeling . Everything was just building and building and he was terrified , waiting for it all to come crashing down . Mr . Kent - a stupidly apt alias as the man was built like Superman and had the same boyish earnestness - well , Bucky could tell that Mr . Kent was trying to put him as ease and it just made him more nervous . He couldn 't even eat his lunch . Looking at it , he could only picture himself as an animal being fattened for the slaughter . Everything was too good . Mr . Kent was too perfect and nothing at all what Bucky deserved . H " C ' mon , boss , have mercy ! No more , please ! " " I don 't know , Frankie . I 'm sure you have another round in you . " " No , no , I don 't ! How can you still be going ? Ya ain 't human ! " " Just takes practice , pal , lots and lots of practice . " Steve grinned as he continued to pummel the speedball . Frankie had collapsed on the mat next to him , one hand still on the medicine ball that Steve had given him to train with . For all of the guy 's perceptiveness , he hadn 't seen the trap in Steve offering to give him a few pointers at the gym after breakfast . It was now nearly noon . Finally showing mercy , Steve finished up his workout , gave Frankie a hand up and they both changed to go back to the hotel . He didn 't feel like ordering another extravagant lunch from the hotel so after giving Frankie the rest of the day off and getting cleaned up , Steve left to wander the city for a bit . It didn 't take him long to decide what to do . " Hi Ma . " Steve looked down at the simple side - by - side markers bearing his parents ' names . He was familiar with his father 's , having visited the grave with his mother at least once a month and on all major holidays . She would often bring a little lunch and would tell Steve stories about his Papa while she tidied the grave . He was four when he asked her why Papa lived in the ground and not at the apartment with them . He was nine when he realized that his father 's grave would never have a fancy stone like Bucky 's grandfather 's grave . Both graves showed signs of being recently tended and Steve figured that he had Bucky 's Ma to thank for that . He carefully brushed a few leaves from the markers and added the flowers he had brought to the small bundle of twigs and red berries already there . Flowers were expensive in the middle of winter but no one would begrudge a girl as pretty and friendly as Becca a few sumac branches and Steve and Bucky had long enlisted her skills to construct " I 'm sorry " bouquets for their mothers when needed . " So , uh , first , I 'm sorry . I know he - ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " You can 't - How - ? Steve ? " Bucky almost never let Steve get away with lying to him . He 'd back whatever ridiculous story Steve told anyone else but Steve learned pretty quick that it was just easier to be honest because once Bucky decided he wanted to know something , nothing could put him off until he got the whole story . Steve figured at least three aspects of his explanation might get him arrested , committed , or both if the wrong person overheard so the goal for the moment was containment . " Come back to the hotel , Buck , and I 'll tell you everything I can . " " Everything you can ? What the fuck is going on ? What happened to your eyes ? Why are you old ? And big ? " " If I show you the eye thing , will you shut up about the rest until we get back to the room ? " At Bucky 's nod , even if it was jerky and unsure , Steve reached up and took the contacts out . It took him a second to refocus on Bucky , his eyes having adjusted to wearing the contacts after the last three days . He was just glad that he had a second pair because he was pretty sure this pair wasn 't going to do well in his coat pocket . " These are lenses that can change eye colour . " Bucky took a careful step forward and poked at the contacts that Steve held out to him . " Back up , I need more light . " Steve carefully stepped back , trying to catch the light of the lamppost without calling too much attention to them . " Holy shit , how the fuck is this possible ? I just saw you - him at the hospital and you were you . " " C ' mon , Buck , I toldja , we go back to the hotel and I 'll tell you what I can . " " Yeah , yeah , okay . " Steve was glad that it was a short walk back to the hotel because Bucky started to ask at least a dozen questions before Steve could shut him up with a look . Finally they were in the suite , safely behind a locked room . Still , Steve took the precaution of doing a quick sweep of all the rooms and closing all the drapes on the windows , more to stall for time than because he really thought there was a threat of being overheard . And ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Bucky put a hand on Steve 's shoulder , holding him down as he shifted , moving from Steve 's side to his lap , straddling him like he had this morning but knowing that this time was different . The tension running through Steve was not the tight panic of before , the hands settling on Bucky 's waist were not holding him away , and when Steve looked him , his eyes were dark , not bright with confusion , and the soft exhale from his pink lips was a content sigh , not the start of a stammered denial . " Fuck , Steve , you 're so fucking gorgeous . " Steve smiled but it was his half smile , the one where he glanced to the side , only one side of his mouth moving . " Yeah , now . " " Always . You got that , punk ? Always . " Bucky held Steve 's face in his hands , forcing him to make eye contact , to see the truth in Bucky 's eyes . " You 're such a fucking dope sometimes , Rogers . " " You sweet - talkin ' me , Barnes ? " There was Steve 's real smile and Bucky matched it even as he moved in for another kiss . He kept his hands on Steve 's face , kept control of the kiss and marvelled at having the freedom to explore the mouth that he had dreamed about for so long . He meant to take his time , to fix every second into his memory but when Steve shifted beneath him and Bucky could feel how hard he was , how hard he was for Bucky , all his control slipped away and soon he was panting against Steve 's mouth , grinding against him , hungry and needy and greedy for more . Steve slipped his hands beneath Bucky 's shirt , skimming up his side , taking the undershirt with them but pausing , tearing his mouth from Bucky 's . " I want to - Buck , I wanna touch . " Bucky didn 't reply , just sat back and shucked off his shirt before leaning back in to tear at Steve 's clothes . He fumbled a bit with the buttons but the hardest part turned out to be getting Steve to stop touching him long enough so Bucky could do more than push his coat and shirt off his shoulders . " Steve , please . " Amazingly Steve listened and pulled back just long enough to yank his s ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ " So that 's why you had to slip out early yesterday ! Where did you get the bread for the fancy new coat ? " Hazel had been behind the counter when Bucky had let himself into the shop but she came around to rub the collar of his new coat between her fingers . He couldn 't blame her . He had taken a moment in the elevator to rub his face against the soft , plush wool . " And is that a new shirt ? " Bucky hadn 't thought twice about wearing his nice new clothes that morning - now that he knew that Steve had bought them for him , not some stranger . And the soft look on Steve 's face when Bucky had come out of the bedroom in his new suit meant that he was probably going to keep wearing them for as long as Steve was there to see him do so . Bucky forgot , however , that he was going to have to explain the new clothes . Luckily , Mr . Wisotsky called for him from the office before he had to reply to Hazel . He gave her an apologetic shrug and began to think furiously as he walked the few steps to the office . Even as he thought , though , he couldn 't resist petting his new coat one more time as he hung it up before turning to face his boss . " Yes , Mo ? " Morris Wisotsky never hid the fact that he was as sharp as a tack . He had no patience for fools and always claimed that he had hired Bucky not as a favour to George Barnes but because he had overheard the way Bucky had tried to talk he and Steve out of a fight with some bigger boys . Bucky always reminded him that the talking hadn 't worked and that encounter had ended with Steve and Bucky both bleeding and Mr . Wisotsky threatening to call the police on the bullies . " And that 's the point , boy ! " Mo would always reply , " some people talk too much , some act too soon , it takes a smart person to know when to stop talking and start punching . And it takes a good friend , a loyal friend , to stay in that fight . You 're a good boy , Mr . Barnes . " Bucky didn 't feel like a good boy as he turned to face his sharp - eyed boss . How could he explain having new clothes just days after ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Looking at Bucky 's face , it really sunk in for Steve that he didn 't belong here . As much as he wanted to pretend , this wasn 't his Bucky , this wasn 't his time any more , not his Brooklyn . And as close as they 've gotten , this Bucky would always belong to this Steve . Oddly , though , that thought didn 't hurt as much as he thought it would . Maybe this was just how things should be . Past Bucky and past Steve will get to grow up together for a few more years and he would just have to wait to find his Bucky in the future . And he could wait . Maybe it will be enough , knowing that Bucky is out there , trusting that he can take care of himself . It might even be time for Steve to start taking care of himself as well . " It 's okay , Buck . It 's all just medicine and no , this is not when I get big . C ' mere , I 'm pretty much done here but I 'll show you what everything is . " Steve explained the IV drip , the antibiotics , and the supplement cartridges he had injected into past - Steve 's upper arm , but glossed over the mini oxygen concentrator , deftly unhooking and hiding the small machine while Bucky poked at the IV bag . Some things were just too difficult to explain . Especially as Tony told him how to use it but not exactly how it worked , which was what Steve knew Bucky would be most interested in . " You didn 't pack any of this for him , though , didja ? What kind of shape do you expect to find me in , Stevie ? What happens to me ? " Bucky looked scared but he still raised his chin , as if daring Steve to do his worst . " I don 't know . " Bucky scoffed and turned away from him , choosing to look at Steve 's younger self , instead . Steve grasped his shoulder and turned him back , ducking his head a bit to make eye contact . " No , really , Buck , right now I don 't know where you are and what 's going on ; you could be living it up on some beach somewheres for all I know and I 'm just being stupid carrying all this around and worrying . " " You are pretty stupid . " Bucky didn 't look entirely reassured but one side of h ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ It definitely wasn 't home but Bucky was getting more accustomed to walking into the hotel and taking the elevator up to the suite he was sharing with Steve . Opening the door , he dropped his keys on the small table in the hall , hung up his overcoat , and took off his shoes , noting that Steve 's weird boots were already there . He called for him before it occurred to him that Frankie might be around . " Uh , I mean , Mr . Kent ? " " It 's just me , Buck . I 'm in the parlour . " Steve was sitting on the couch , coat off and shirt untucked , looking at something in his hands . " Frankie 's spending the night with some friends . " " What 's that ya got there ? " Bucky sat down beside him , nudging Steve 's shoulder with his own . Wordlessly , Steve held up a gold chain with a golden starburst dangling from it . The starburst was glowing with a faint yellow glow . " Is that some other bit of future technology ? Can I touch it ? " Steve passed it to Bucky and slumped back against the couch . " Tony would say it 's a technology we don 't understand yet . Dr . Strange just told me it was magic . " " Okay , wait , you 've had a magic amulet this whole time and didn 't tell me ? And who 's Tony ? And did you say Dr . Strange ? What kind of name is that ? " Bucky stopped playing with the amulet for a moment to turn to question Steve . Having Steve here ( and big ! ) was weird enough but then he had all that mysterious medicine - and Bucky did see him palm that weird small box , by the way - and now there 's this glowy magic thing ? This week was getting stranger and stranger . And a lot more worrisome . " Steve , you 're not just from a few years down the road , are ya ? " Steve shook his head . " And you can 't tell me anything about it , cause it might change things , right ? " " Yeah . " " Can you at least tell me what this does ? " Bucky passed the amulet back , noted as he did that it was warmer than any metal should be , even after being held for however long . " This … this is like a distress beacon . If I got into trouble , I was to It was almost surreal for Bucky to walk into the hospital the next day and talk to his Steve . He found himself just looking at him , comparing and contrasting the two very different versions of his best friend . Future Steve had followed through on his promise and had made Bucky feel real good last night and Bucky had done his best to reciprocate . They had also discovered that at least one person at the hotel might suspect their relationship was more than brotherly . The basket of toiletries that had been delivered for the poor younger Mr . Kent who had ' lost his luggage ' had been suspiciously well - equipped with certain products that had come in handy last night . Bucky shifted a bit , still feeling the aftereffects of some of the things he and future Steve had gotten up to last night . " Whatza matter ? Ya got ants in your pants or somethin ' ? If you got somewheres better to be , just go already . I 'm fine here . " Bucky quickly turned his attention back to this Steve , so similar and yet so different from the person Bucky had been with the night before . And now that he stopped to look for it , he could see the fear , the worry that Bucky really might decide that he had somewhere better to be , someone better to be friends with , that he might move on and Steve would be left alone . " You kiddin ' ? Steve , we always have lunch together . Can 't break tradition . " Bucky leaned back in his chair and put his feet on the end of Steve 's bed . " Besides , some of these nurses of yours are pretty swell lookin ' gals and a guy needs someone to dance with on a Friday night . " " So you 're not working tonight ? " Some of the tension left Steve and he leaned back against his pillow . " Nah , finished up at the warehouse . But I 'll prolly stay in , maybe catch up on my reading . " " You ? Too tired to go dancing ? That 'd be a first . " " It 's been a pretty long week , pal . " Longer than you know , Bucky thought . As usual , Mr . Wisotsky had Bucky and Hazel close the shop up early . They didn 't get much business on Friday afternoons and while Mo might say that he didn 't trust Bucky and Hazel to keep working if he wasn 't there to supervise , he had also told Mr . Barnes that he might be an old man but he remembered what it was like to be young and at the end of the work week . Hazel 's beau , Charlie , was there to walk her home . Charlie hadn 't been able to find steady work in a long while so Mr . Wisotsky hired him whenever a customer asked for a piece to be delivered . And since he did the books , Bucky knew that Mo always paid Charlie out of his own pocket , not that he 'd ever let Hazel know . Not after the way she had chewed Mo out when she found out that the ' broken ' couch he had let her buy for less than the ticket price had just needed to have a single leg replaced - a fix that Mo could do in his sleep . She tried to pay him back the balance so he gave her a raise for the same amount . She insisted on doing his laundry so he paid Charlie to paint his apartment for him . Things had been at a stalemate for a while now but Bucky was eager to see how Hazel would retaliate this time . He and Steve - in some ways it was easier when Bucky had thought of him as Mr . Kent - were actually having a night in , as he had told the other ( the younger ? the past ? ) Steve but Bucky certainly wasn 't catching up on his reading . Frankie had taken one look at them at supper , watching each other across the table , before loudly declaring that he was going to go to the pictures that night with some friends , provided his boss was okay with that . Steve hadn 't even taken his eyes off Bucky as he grabbed his wallet and tossed some money in Frankie 's direction . Frankie hadn 't even stuck around for dessert . Steve felt bad for practically giving Frankie the bum 's rush the night before so he and Bucky had decided to let Frankie pick what they did that morning . Needless to say , Bucky was enjoying Frankie 's chosen excursion much more than Steve was . At least there was a comfortable chair for Steve to sit in as he watched the other two flit around the store , picking up and discarding suits , shirts , and ties almost as quick as they picked them up . " Nah , look , if you gonna go with that suit , then ya gotta pick another tie . No , don 't look at him for advice , the guy 's colour blind . " That true , boss ? " Frankie turned to look at Steve , not seeing how Bucky was mouthing ' sorry ' over his shoulder . " You ain 't see colour ? " " Ah , it 's more like red and green both look like brown to me . I like blue , though . " Steve hadn 't thought about his colour blindness in years . He had told Bucky that the machine that had made him ' big ' had cured his asthma but he hadn 't revealed that it cured everything . " But Bu - Johnny 's right , I 'm not the one to ask . " " Okay , okay , so which tie should I go with , pretty boy ? I want something nice , something respectable , ya know . " " What 's the occasion anyway ? You 're laying down a good chunk of change here . " " Well , I was gonna tell you fellas last night but ya both seemed to have something else on your minds , " Frankie paused and grinned as both Steve and Bucky blushed , " so I figured I 'd wait . " " And ? What 's the news ? " " Took your advice , Mr . Kent . Onlys I didn 't wait for Howie to offer me a job . We got to talking on Thursday and I told ' em that if he 's really fixin ' to start something here in New York , he was gonna need a man on the ground , someone discreet , someone he can trust . And since he knows me and I know the city , that man should be me . And he agreed . So as of Monday , if it 's okay with you , boss , I 'm gonna be Howie - I mean , Mr . Stark 's personal secretary . Figured I could blow a bit of dough on a decent suit . " Bucky let out a The afternoon passed faster than Steve expected . He had enlisted Frankie 's help to stock up the other Steve 's bare cupboards , assuring him that he had gotten permission from ' Johnny ' to do this favour for his friend . How else would I know where the key is , Frankie ? And no , no caviar , Johnny said to stick with the basics . He then helped Frankie pack up , truly surprised that a man with no luggage could manage to acquire so much stuff in just a week . He even gave Frankie the suitcase he had bought at the beginning of the week , saying that he was getting a new trunk delivered . Frankie clearly didn 't believe him but just gave him a long , slow look before accepting it . Steve tucked a few extra dollars in the pockets of the clothes that he packed . He and Frankie had settled their bill with Frankie refusing to take more than they had initially agreed on , ten dollars a day and room and board . Steve didn 't know if it was because he had a job now or because Mr . Kent was now a friend instead of a mark , but Frankie had declared that the suit was the last gift he would accept . He was refusing to stay at the hotel that night and even insisted on paying for the lunch he and Steve grabbed at a little diner near the hotel . Steve didn 't bother to brush away the few tears that gathered when Frankie hugged him after Steve helped to load all his new stuff into a cab . It was as the car was driving off and Frankie had turned to wave that Steve realized that he wasn 't even sure if Frankie was even his real name . Fuck . Dinner was quiet . Bucky had come back from the hospital in a good mood , bubbling over with stories about his Steve until he caught himself , realizing that the man in front of him already knew what happened . There wasn 't much to talk about after that . Steve had hidden the amulet away with his other spy - gear , not wanting housekeeping to find it , but now he took it out and laid it out on the coffee table , pouring drinks for both he and Bucky as they sat on the couch and silently watched as the starburst - n ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ He had wondered , lying there on the table , if this was when he was lost . If this had been the time Steve had meant . And then Steve came for him except it wasn 't his Steve , wasn 't either of his Steves - his friend or his lover - it was Captain America who saved Bucky that day . Bucky was okay to wait , okay to follow Captain America until he was ready to be Steve again . And then he fell . And things went dark . For a long time . " Hey , look at that ! We put in an average Joe - well , an incredibly built Joe - and got back a Captain America . Maybe these portals of yours are worth something , Richards . " Tony might have been talking to Richards but his eyes were locked on Steve , shifting , scanning every part of him . Steve felt naked as Tony looked him but he kept his head high , even as the room seemed to swim around him . " You okay there , Cap ? Anything scrambled ? " " He 's fine , Stark . " Reed Richards was scrolling through the biometric data his scanners were collecting . He wasn 't looking at Steve , just the numbers . " How about we let the man answer for himself , Mr . Marvelous ? " Tony moved forward to help Steve step down from the portal . " Easy there , big guy . Got all your parts ? C ' mon , Cap , at least yell at me or something , let me know you 're okay . " " Maybe if you gave him a moment , Stark , he will be able to comply . Captain Rogers may have only been gone moments for us but it 's clear that his time away was relatively longer for him . Time - travel can be disorientating for the inexperienced . " " So time - travel ? That 's a thing now ? I mean the loss of the face fungus clued me in that something happened on Cap 's end of things but time - travel ? Does this mean I can go back and fix some of my more troublesome fashion faux pas ? Not that there were many , mind you . " " It 's not something one does lightly , Stark . Everything has its cost . As I 'm sure Captain Rogers is aware . " Steve shrugged off the backpack and took the seat Dr . Strange offered him . He also handed back the now - dull amulet , glad to be rid of it . " If I haven 't been gone long , why did this start to glow ? Why did you call me back ? " Tony and Strange exchanged a look at the harshness of Steve 's tone but it was Richards who answered from across the room , face still turned towards his monitors . " Dr . Strange and I keyed both the portal and the amulet specifically to you , Captain . So when you didn 't made contact in four days according to your own perception ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ In retrospect , it might not have been the best idea to tell Tony about the connection between the death of his parents and the Winter Soldier - a connection he had been keeping secret for almost six months - before Steve had found another place to live . Coming back , though , seeing Tony and Tony 's worry for him , had made it clear that if - when - Bucky came back , it couldn 't be while Steve was keeping something so big hidden from a friend . And Tony was a friend , even if he hadn 't talked to Steve in several months . He was still ignoring Steve even when they were side by side at the press conference to announce that while Steve Rogers was taking an indefinite leave of absence , Sam Wilson would be taking up the mantel of Captain America . " Captain , Captain , can you tell us how long you will be gone ? " Steve had no idea who had asked the question but it was the only one he could pick out of the din that arose after he had made his announcement . " No , at this point , I can 't . " He resisted the urge to remind them that ' indefinite ' was right there in the official statement . " Why ? Why now , Cap ? Does this have anything to do with happened in DC last April ? " Steve started to say no , but then he thought about what HYDRA had been trying to accomplish with INSIGHT . The reporters seemed to sense that they were on to something as the questions slowed , the volume lowered , and when he finally spoke , the room was quiet . " I was gonna say no . To say that this is for me , that it has nothing to do with SHIELD or HYDRA or any of it . But that 's not quite true . You 've all read the reports . You know what INSIGHT was all about - HYDRA was going to kill millions of us , all to keep the rest in line . And we all got caught up in those big numbers , the millions , the billions , and we forgot that those numbers represent individuals . I forgot . And yes , we need the heroes who act on the scale of millions and billions but just as important are those heroes who save a single individual . And even if you only save yoMid - December , just as the weather was turning from brisk to chilly , there was a knock at Steve 's new ( and reinforced ) front door . " Tony , hi , c ' mon in . " Steve could only step aside as Tony came barrelling in . " Oh , don 't act surprised . Your system should have told you who it was before I hit the top step . Who do you think suggested that security company to our favourite Russian ? And that doesn 't mean I 'm still not angry . I 'm furious . You knew ! Even while I was bankrolling that whole ' Find Cap 's BFF ' mission , you knew that he killed my parents . My mom , Steve ! He killed my mom . " " I know and I 'm sor - " " No , no , no , you don 't get to say sorry . Not yet . Because I 'm not done . See you can be sorry for lying but you don 't get to be sorry about what happened that day because you weren 't involved . They weren 't your parents and you weren 't the one to collaborate with HYDRA to have them murdered . You are neither the aggrieved nor the guilty so no , you don 't get to be sorry . This isn 't about you and I don 't want an apology from you . And I don 't want one from Barnes . " " What ? " Steve finally thought to actually close the door . He turned to face Tony . " But you just said - Tony , he killed your parents . " " You really want to talk about this in your hallway ? What are we ? Gibbons ? You 're a terrible host , Steve . Here , happy housewarming . " Tony pushed a paper bag into Steve 's hands . " It 's booze . Open it and pour us some drinks . We 'll do this right . Now , through here ? " Steve could only nod and follow Tony through to his living room . He had kept things simple , comfortable - on the surface , at least . The walls and floors were all heavily reinforced , the many windows were the strongest glass available , and , as Tony had pointed out , the security system was top notch . But none of that showed on the surface ; instead there were clean lines , muted colours , and soft furnishings . He had a small gym in the basement and had knocked out a wall on the third floor to make a large ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Steve shaved every day . Every day he looked at himself in the mirror , wondering if he was ready to stop . And every day , he considered how far he had come but also how far he thought he had to go and he would turn on the water and pick up his razor . He thought he would know the day he was ready . Then the Avengers got called out on the night of Hill 's birthday and the party got rescheduled for a Tuesday . And Thor felt the occasion called for some Asgardian ale . A lot of Asgardian ale . So Steve woke up late for class and didn 't even stop and think about shaving . And he didn 't bother the next day either . Or the next . Morris Wisotsky , not having any children of his own , had left his shop to Hazel , his long time bookkeeper . She and her husband Charlie kept it going until they lost a son in Vietnam and moved to California to be closer to their daughter . It had been sold a few times since then and currently Steve was looking out the window of a café at the plant nursery that now occupied the lot . He had started out by sketching the shop how it used to be and a few quick portraits of people from the old neighbourhood but now he was working on a plan for his backyard . That winter had felt endless but May was looking to be nice and warm and Steve thought it might be time to get some seedlings started . He never really had a green thumb but he liked the thought of growing his own vegetables . " Americano ? " The barista 's call had Steve checking his own coffee . He hadn 't been the only person to duck into the café when it had started raining but he seemed to be the only one who had stayed after it cleared up and he wanted to spend enough to make up for him camping at the table . He still had a few sips left , however , so he got back to drawing . " I have an Americano for Clark ? Clark ? " " This yours , pal ? " A coffee appeared in Steve 's peripheral vision . Trying to figure out where to put the giant grill the team had gotten him as a housewarming gift , Steve wasn 't paying that much attention to what was going on around him . " No , not mine . " " Are you sure ? ' Cause you look an awful lot like this guy I useta know . " When the coffee was set down on the table and the chair opposite him was moved so someone could sit , Steve finally paid attention . Ready with his ' yes , I 'm him , no , sorry , only kids get autographs ' smile , Steve glanced up . And froze . Bucky kept talking . " Lost track of him for a while but I swear you 're the spitting image of him . Name was Clark Kent . " Steve consciously loosened his grip on his pencil and put it neatly next to his sketchbook . He took a deep breath and smiled , for real this time . " SorryNotes : |
John recently became enrolled in an online college degree program offered by BYU Idaho called Pathway . For one of his classes , he has had various writing assignments . Since we 've never heard from John here on my blog , I thought it would be fun to post the experience he wrote about . Here 's John . . . . . : ) I had promised the kids a picnic on Saturday . I had to work 4 hours that morning so we got a late start . We borrowed a truck and picked up my 80 y / o Dad who accompanied us while Mom stayed home to get some rest and recuperate from her miscarriage . The kids wanted to go to an abandoned train tunnel some 25 miles from home in a remote area of the mountains . On the way up there , one of the 7 y / o twins , out of the blue said , " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . . . . . I congratulated him on being so observant and smart . We had a great time at the tunnel and the river next to it . The kids fell in the river the requisite number of times , we got sand in our food , played with moss in the river , floated pieces of wood down the river , fell on the rocks and got scrapped , all the usual things you would want on a fun outing with the kids . On the way back , suddenly we heard the sickening whoosh , whoosh , whoosh sound of a punctured tire . We pulled over to the side of the dirt road to change the tire but as I got out , I heard another sound of air escaping . . . . . . Sure enough , we had two tires going flat . With only one spare , facing a 20 + mile hike back to civilization , one of the kids forgetting his shoes back at the river ( Mom wasn 't there so we weren 't organized . . . . ) , and knowing that virtually no one traveled this road , the initial response was panic . I said a silent prayer and then I remembered " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . I asked the twin to bring me the can of FixAFlat he had seen . We put it in the tire with the slower leak and then set about to change the other tire . As the kids had never experienced changing a tire , it occurred to me that this would be a great chance to teach them all the necessary steps on how to do so . I wish I had taken a picture of the four little kids huddled around the tire taking off , and putting on the lug nuts as well as their awe as they saw how the spare tire was lowered from under the pickup . 45 minutes lFast forward to Sunday - My wife asks me to take her Primary class and the lesson is on the Holy Ghost . It hits me . . . . The twin was prompted by the Holy Ghost to make the comment about the FixAFlat . . . . . . I sat down with him to explain this to him . He was pleasantly surprised about being part of the larger plan and then the next revelation comes and I asked : What would have happened if Dad would have been mad ( ungrateful ) about the flat tire ? Who would I have been mad at ? His answer - Jesus . Then this lesson on Gratitude . So what am I grateful for ? I don 't even know where to begin . It 's been so long since I 've written anything meaningful . But writing has always been therapeutic for me , perhaps because it 's a way of releasing creativity and emotion at the same time . So let me start with the musical . Six weeks ago I was asked to play the piano for the school musical . The school musical is no small thing . I knew this because I had played for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers three years ago . The students , teachers and community volunteers put in from 80 to 100 hours , or even more in some cases , in a six week period to put on the production . At the time , I had a nursing baby and many other young children , and just the babysitting alone cost me over $ 500 over the course of the rehearsals and performances . Although it was incredibly rewarding , I had had no idea of the toil and time that would be involved and I told myself I would never do it again . Fast forward three years . I was in my kitchen , peacefully going about my business when I received a frantic phone call that the pianist who can committed to play for the musical had suddenly bailed at the last minute , and was there any way I could come that afternoon and fill in until they could find someone else . I went to the school , and as I sat there at the piano , I knew I had to do this . Two of my kids were in the play , various women with no children in the school were helping , and so why couldn 't I ? My little boys were old enough to sit during the rehearsals and do their homework and play some games on our electronic devices , so yes , I would do it ! I went home and told John what had happened . I reminded him of the sacrifice our family would be making : floors unswept , dishes undone , frantic simple dinners prepared , little time for anything else but the musical for the next six weeks . The dear man readily agreed to support me . Things were going well for the first week . I began to bond with the music director in a way we hadn 't before , which was rewarding , and I was enjoying getting to know the students . The little boys behaved unbelievably well during the rehearsals and I just knew I was going to have the time of my life for the next six weeks , working with my two teenagers , getting to know people I hadn 't before , and creating something amazing , that evokes emotion for hundreds of people , out of nothing . At the beginning of the next week , however , something happened that would drastically change everything . I was cleaning up lunch and I suddenly realized I had not had my monthly telltale sign . I was a week late . I had been so busy at the school , I hadn 't even noticed . Since I stock dozens of pregnancy tests I buy from the Dollar Store for the local women , I flippantly decided I 'd just go take a test after I clean the kitchen . I probably had the date wrong . I hadn 't gotten pregnant for three years . Why would I be so now ? The minute after these thoughts went through my mind , my heart suddenly started pounding and I knew , I knew , that I was pregnant . I gave Baby Hippo his device that he gets to play for a few minutes before naptime ( By the way , he will no long go by Baby Hippo , as he is now five years old , and a normal weight . He will henceforth by known as the 5 - year - old boy ) . and quickly went to the bathroom with test in hand . I laid it on the counter when I was finished , then went to put a log of wood on the fire , because I love to take a nap in the winter with a small fire going in the fireplace by my bed . When I went back to the counter , there were two lines on the test . My heart seemed to seize and leap at the same time , so various were the emotions I felt as I saw those two lines . Then I looked at the box again , because I momentarily couldn 't remember what two lines meant , although I did know , I just couldn 't believe it . I was pregnant . For the twelve time . Ironically , just the week before , I had had two friends over who wanted to learn to make bread . One of them had a baby , and as I watched her struggle with him , I told them both , " Every time I 'm around someone with a baby , I feel soooo glad I don 't have a baby . " That being said , a rush of gratitude came into my heart and I immediately knelt down in front of the fire place where it was so warm , and thanked God for the blessing he had given me , the chance to have another child , to be the mother and guardian of eleven beautiful spirits . I was ecstatic . I didn 't know how or when I would tell John , though . We had lost two babies three and a half and three years ago , both at seven weeks , so I wasn 't sure this one would stay . Should I wait to tell him or should I have him involved from the very beginning ? The choice would be made for me the next day . John and I needed to do some shopping at the border town three hours away , so we loaded the kids up and began the journey . While we were driving , John began a conversation we had started a while ago and about what kind of vehicle we were going to purchase . Our fifteen passenger van was on its last leg and we had said that when the 18 - year - old boy left for his mission , we would get an eight - passenger SUV , which , by the way , is so much cooler than a 15 - passenger van . John asked if this was still the plan . It all of a sudden occurred to me that this could no longer be the plan . I said , " Um . Well . That 's really not going to work for us now . " His quick mind immediately grasped my meaning and asked , " Are you pregnant ? ? ? " " Yes ! " I said . He then went into John mode , saying , " Okay . at the auctions my uncle has been telling me about , you can get a 15 - passenger van for about $ 11 , 000 . " He went on in this vein until I finally asked , " Well , are you happy ? " He said , " Yes ! Of course ! And I hope it 's twins ! " I was so happy . There is so much more I want to tell you . I want to tell you how I told my mom . I want to share more feelings with you . But there is just too much to write . But the next part I must tell you . I am not going to take the time to write it out like I would have had I known I would be posting it to this blog , but I 'm going to copy the letter I wrote to the 18 - year - old boy on his mission . It was figuratively scrawled out quickly between answering the door , taking phone calls , answering emails , and responding to countless Facebook messages and comments , all while trying to process all that had happened on our way home from the border town . Here is the letter and accompanying photos . . . . . So , on Saturday we had to go to El Paso to watch Landon play a game against Cathedral , which is the all - boy Catholic school . It was also the twins ' birthday , so we decided to take them to the zoo and shopping for presents . The boys lost pathetically , only scoring like 14 points , but Landon made like 5 of them or so ! Can you believe it ? It was pretty awesome . But Bro , Hatch saw that I wasn 't watching the game and that I missed seeing one of Landon 's shots , so he sent his grandson , Caleb , over to me to tell me that I needed to stop gossiping with Cade and watch my son play ! I think Bro . Hatch just needs to worry about coaching his team . So anyways , we took the kids to the zoo and shopping and eventually loaded up the van to go home . I had also bought a new laptop , had a huge number of oils in a bag from the mail , and John had purchased many things , including 8 wheels for work , a BlueRay DVD player and $ 600 worth of groceries . So we got a late start heading home . It got dark quickly , which we don 't like , but we just couldn 't get things done on time . It 's about 7 : 00 by this time and we 're cruising along at about 70 MPH , which is our normal speed . Cars are oncoming and some have their brights on , so it 's hard to see . All of sudden , just as a car is about to pass us , I see the silhouette of two huge cows exactly in our lane in front of us . I say silhouette because we couldn 't see them with our headlights because we were somewhat blinded by the oncoming traffic . So I scream , " THERE ' S A COW ! ! ! ! " And the split second later , we hit it going about 70 MPH . I didn 't see it hit our windshield , but I heard the sickening sound of metal and glass crunching and then we were stopped and my glasses were down around my chin . ( I would later learn that it was the airbag that had knocked down my glasses , although I never saw or felt it . ) It was all so fast . I put my glasses back on and turned around and said , " Is everyone okay ? " Some of the kids started crying , but before I could see if everyone was all right , John yelled , " EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE VAN ! ! ! NOW ! ! NOW ! ! ! " I didn 't know why . I didn 't know if we were about to get hit by someone else going 70 MPH or if the van was going to explode or what , but I jumped out as fast as I could . Claire had the presence of mind to get Daniel unbuckled and all of the kids jumped out at the same time . Johnny was crying and his lip was bleeding and swollen to the size of a small sausage . I told the kids to get far away from the road , to follow me , but Claire was just standing there . I said , " Claire , come on ! " She said , " Mom , I don 't have my shoes on ! " And I told her to just run anyway , that the van was going to explode . She said tWe were probably sitting there for about ten minutes watching John trying to put the fire out , but then he came up to us and said that he couldn 't get the fire out and that the van was probably going to blow , so we should move very far away . So I picked up Claire again , and we ran about a football field 's length away . We sat there , the kids sitting on my lap , and Claire standing , and watched our van become engulfed in flames . Claire cried as we watched it burn , saying it was just so disturbing and upsetting to see our van in flames that way . There was a series of explosions as each tire blew , the battery , the gas tank , but no one was hurt . Many emergency vehicles started showing up , Federales , municipales , bomberos and ambulances . Everyone was so kind to us . One of the Federales took off his coat and put it on Daniel . A random driver waiting for the van to burn so he could pass through gave me his jacket . The ambulance drivers gave us many blankets and more coats . I kept looking at the van , watching it burn , thinking how amazing it was that all of us survived . The thoughts would come into my mind about all the stuff I was watching burn , my purse , with the pass cards in it , my lap top , the new lap top I just bought , my iPhone , iPod , iPad , all of our food , the music for the musical , which costs $ 300 to replace , but I just kept saying to myself , It 's okay . It all can be replaced . All of us are okay , and it 's a miracle . Then , what to my surprise , Landon and some of his friends from the basketball team walk up to us . Apparently they had been a few cars behind , just stuck in traffic , waiting for the firemen to put the fire out and let them clear . They were quite annoyed with whatever " stupid driver left his van to just burn in the middle of the road . " They were teasing Landon , " Yeah , Dude ! That 's probably your van ! hahahah ! " Well , after the flames got put out , the bus driver decided to let them go see the wreckage , and then one of the boys said , " Dude Landon ! That 's your dad ! " John saw Landon at the same time and wavedWe were so lucky and so blessed and we certainly have a new perspective on life . Things could have ended so differently . The Lord is good . As you can well imagine , dealing with the aftermath of this accident was an emotional challenge . And for John , it was a physical challenge as well , as his shins endured severe abrasions , bruising and swelling , as they took the brunt of the collapse of the front dash . We had trouble sleeping for many nights and we wondered if our new baby , the size of a sesame seed , had survived the ordeal . I knew that I would know in a matter of time , so I choose not to see the doctor at this time . When I returned to play practice , I told the music director that I had discovered I was pregnant a few days before and her face showed immediate concern . She is a mother of seven grown boys , and knows how difficult early pregnancy can be . She became even more concerned when I told her of my previous miscarriages . She worried that I might go through a miscarriage during the six - week rehearsal period . She felt like maybe she should find someone else . I told her no , that I would be okay . I knew how to handle my morning sickness and if I did lose the baby , I would bounce back quickly . She agreed to have me continue to assist her . This second week of practice , everything went fine , until Saturday night . Right before turning into bed , I saw pink blood . I audibly gasped and felt immediate devastation . I came out of the bathroom and told John . His face fell and he hugged me and said how sorry he was . I asked him for a priesthood blessing and after he gave me one , we were both comforted . I waited for the heavy bleeding and the cramping to come , but it never did . Nothing else happened . No more blood . No cramping . Of course I pored over articles on the internet to try to find out what it all meant , I talked to other moms and I prayed . The advice I latched onto was that I needed rest . This is not something I 'm good at , but I wanted so much to keep this baby , so I asked John to go to the house of the lady who sometimes helps us , Esther , and ask if she could come for a couple of hours every day to help with the cleaning until we could find out what I knew immediately what I must do . My normal inclination would have been to leave the doctor 's office and let the baby come when it would . I knew my doctor wouldn 't like that idea , but it is what I would have done . I would have scheduled the D & C , then called back later to cancel it and let my baby come in its own due time . But the musical was in three days . What if she started to come during one of the performances ? I could make preparations for the blood , but could I deal with the pain ? No , I could not . Not during three - hour performances where I would need every once of concentration . So I went to John 's office . I called him from the parking lot and asked him if this was a good time for me to come up . He sounded so happy to know that I was there , and said of course it was . I picked up the ultrasound picture that said " Bebe aborto " and the list of doctor 's instructions in Spanish , and went up the stairs . He immediately saw the ultrasound picture in my hand and concern spread across his face . This was the first time I had ever been to visit him randomly in his office . I told him that the baby didn 't make it . His face fell . He came over to the side of his desk where I was and hugged me . He didn 't say anything for a while , and then he said he was sorry . I said I was sorry to . So I made the appointment for the D & C for that night . And I didn 't call later to cancel it . I had left play practice for my appointment , and when I came back , and began playing the piano , the music director looked at me with concern , and asked if everything went okay . I was playing the piano , and there were many students in the vicinity , so I just smiled and nodded . After my song was over , I sat down next to her and didn 't say anything . She then turned to me again , and said , " So everything is okay ? Everything went okay ? " Then I told her the truth . I had to repeat myself because she had a hard time processing it . I told her that I would go get the D & C that evening and that I would be back for rehearsal the next day . By this time we were having six hour rehearsals every day . She looked at me aghast and said that under no circumstances was I to come back the next day , that if I really wanted to do what was right and be there for the kids , that I would make sure I was healthy for the actual performances . She said that missing practices was not a big deal , but being too sick to perform because I hadn 't recovered correctly would be much worse . I finally agreed . I then walked across campus to where the 14 - year - old boy was playing a football game . Everyone in town was there , or so it seemed , people who I hadn 't seen for a week or two , and everyone asked , with a cheerful smile , how my pregnancy was going . If they asked in front of many people , I lied and said everything was fine . And this is not me . I loathe lying . I try never to do it , but I didn 't know what else to do . Finally someone asked me privately , and I told her the truth . I then went to find one of my best friends , who was selling concessions for the booster club , and pulled her aside and told her . Other people came up to me randomly , and asked how my pregnancy was going , and if there were many people around , I lied again , and if we were in private , I told them the truth . It was excruciating . My baby was lying dead inside me and I was having to look into the eyeWhen I arrived at the hospital , John was already there with a calming smile on his face . I was assigned a bed and the tech came in and began prepping me for the procedure . He attempted to put a needle in my vein to get blood for lab work , then to attach the IV , but he didn 't succeed the first time . If at first you don 't succeed , try , try again . And he did . John was sitting on the sofa bed beside mine watching . After he attached the vile that was to go to the lab to the needle , filled it up , then removed it , apparently he had made no plan to stop my blood from continuing to flow once the vile was removed . So my blood began forcefully pumping out of the back of my hand onto the floor . It was pumping in spurts . I watched in fascination , thinking , " There is all my blood , going down onto the floor . " He became flustered when he realized what was happening and quickly asked John to come and help him . John got up , took the offered vile , and the tech finally was able to stop my blood from being spilled all over the floor . After he left , John and I laughed , saying that that was the sloppiest job we 'd ever seen and that he was lucky that John was there to help ! Then we waited and waited some more . I thought I would message a few people to let them know what had happened . One friend I messaged works with her husband in the big town , and said they would be right over . These were the same friends who came to visit me in the hospital when this same procedure was done three years ago . I felt so comforted that I would see them again before going into the delivery room . They arrived only minutes before I was wheeled out , though , but it was still a blessing to have been able to feel of their love before I went in . I said goodbye to John and suggested that this would probably be a good time for him to go home and get the kids , as I knew I wouldn 't be out for at least another 45 minutes . Earlier in the day John has suggested that we bring the kids to visit me in the hospital . I knew it would be an uncomfortable and perhaps difficult experience for them , but he suggested that it might be good closure , since they would probably have a difficult time understanding and processing what had happened . I felt like this was a wonderful idea . So he kissed me goodbye and I was wheeled to the delivery room . I don 't like that they do this procedure in the delivery room , because I was there before , giving birth to a big , beautiful baby boy five years earlier , and it brought up so many of the amazing memories a mother feels when she gives birth . I looked at the incubator my baby boy had been in . I remembered when my doula had told me while he was crowning that she could see his hair , and that it was black . I remembered that " gloriously empty " feeling of just having a baby , when all the pain is over and there is nothing but joy and elation . None of that would happen for me now . The anesthesiologist entered the room . He is a wonderful , caring man , as most anesthesiologists are . He has a tender smile and comforting eyes and constantly reassured me . When he was finished with the insertion of the epidural , I looked at my heart rate and noticed that it was faster than usual at 88 beats for minute . HeI spent the next three days at school , and in bed and when all of the performances were over and were a huge success , I felt like I could finally let go physically and emotionally . I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday . I cried most of the night . And on Sunday , I felt better . I attended church , hosted a large family dinner , then slept some more . As I write this , I feel nearly fully recovered , six days later , but I know I need to ease into things carefully . I 've been on partial bed rest for four weeks now and I know it 's going to take a while to get up to my normal and preferred speed . The kids have spring break this week , so I won 't have to worry about schedules . The house will fall to pieces , I know this , but it will be wonderful to do what we want , when we want and just be together as a family . I keep wondering why this all happened during this six - week period of time I had decided to dedicate to the musical , a time that I had known would be taxing in just a normal situation . The discovery of the pregnancy , the explosion of the van , the three weeks of partial bed rest and finally the saddening and disappointing news of the loss of our sweet baby and the subsequent procedure . I have wondered if it was to teach my kids and the kids who knew of my situation in the musical perseverance . I have wondered if we were to learn to place our lives in God 's hand and to accept his will in all things . I have wondered if the kids were supposed to experience loss to prepare them for the bigger losses they will inevitably experience at some point later in life . All I know is that I hope I can learn all that God wants me to learn during this journey . In a church meeting I attended this weekend , we were taught that God 's plan for us is perfect . I have thought about that a lot . Our lives our difficult , sometimes even full of many burdens to be born , but this is His plan for us . He designs each of our lives as a perfect fit to our individual spirits to help us grow and be refined into the people He wants us to become . It is uAs always , thanks for listening . : ) I miss you and I hope to write more in the near future . Have a wonderful week . I 'm a Mormon American , mostly vegetarian housewife raising 10 AWESOME kids , including twin toddlers and a newborn , in a tiny farm town in Mexico . I 've reluctantly traveled the survivor road when my first husband , and first love , committed suicide in 2004 , leaving me a widow with 6 children . Since then , however , I have found happiness , now that I 'm remarried , to my soul mate , and about the smartest man on the planet . He totally supports me and reads my blog everyday , possibly because he knows that every night I 'm going to ask him if he did . Follow us as I try to find humor and excitement in the everyday affairs of running a home ! |
John recently became enrolled in an online college degree program offered by BYU Idaho called Pathway . For one of his classes , he has had various writing assignments . Since we 've never heard from John here on my blog , I thought it would be fun to post the experience he wrote about . Here 's John . . . . . : ) I had promised the kids a picnic on Saturday . I had to work 4 hours that morning so we got a late start . We borrowed a truck and picked up my 80 y / o Dad who accompanied us while Mom stayed home to get some rest and recuperate from her miscarriage . The kids wanted to go to an abandoned train tunnel some 25 miles from home in a remote area of the mountains . On the way up there , one of the 7 y / o twins , out of the blue said , " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . . . . . I congratulated him on being so observant and smart . We had a great time at the tunnel and the river next to it . The kids fell in the river the requisite number of times , we got sand in our food , played with moss in the river , floated pieces of wood down the river , fell on the rocks and got scrapped , all the usual things you would want on a fun outing with the kids . On the way back , suddenly we heard the sickening whoosh , whoosh , whoosh sound of a punctured tire . We pulled over to the side of the dirt road to change the tire but as I got out , I heard another sound of air escaping . . . . . . Sure enough , we had two tires going flat . With only one spare , facing a 20 + mile hike back to civilization , one of the kids forgetting his shoes back at the river ( Mom wasn 't there so we weren 't organized . . . . ) , and knowing that virtually no one traveled this road , the initial response was panic . I said a silent prayer and then I remembered " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . I asked the twin to bring me the can of FixAFlat he had seen . We put it in the tire with the slower leak and then set about to change the other tire . As the kids had never experienced changing a tire , it occurred to me that this would be a great chance to teach them all the necessary steps on how to do so . I wish I had taken a picture of the four little kids huddled around the tire taking off , and putting on the lug nuts as well as their awe as they saw how the spare tire was lowered from under the pickup . 45 minutes lFast forward to Sunday - My wife asks me to take her Primary class and the lesson is on the Holy Ghost . It hits me . . . . The twin was prompted by the Holy Ghost to make the comment about the FixAFlat . . . . . . I sat down with him to explain this to him . He was pleasantly surprised about being part of the larger plan and then the next revelation comes and I asked : What would have happened if Dad would have been mad ( ungrateful ) about the flat tire ? Who would I have been mad at ? His answer - Jesus . Then this lesson on Gratitude . So what am I grateful for ? I don 't even know where to begin . It 's been so long since I 've written anything meaningful . But writing has always been therapeutic for me , perhaps because it 's a way of releasing creativity and emotion at the same time . So let me start with the musical . Six weeks ago I was asked to play the piano for the school musical . The school musical is no small thing . I knew this because I had played for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers three years ago . The students , teachers and community volunteers put in from 80 to 100 hours , or even more in some cases , in a six week period to put on the production . At the time , I had a nursing baby and many other young children , and just the babysitting alone cost me over $ 500 over the course of the rehearsals and performances . Although it was incredibly rewarding , I had had no idea of the toil and time that would be involved and I told myself I would never do it again . Fast forward three years . I was in my kitchen , peacefully going about my business when I received a frantic phone call that the pianist who can committed to play for the musical had suddenly bailed at the last minute , and was there any way I could come that afternoon and fill in until they could find someone else . I went to the school , and as I sat there at the piano , I knew I had to do this . Two of my kids were in the play , various women with no children in the school were helping , and so why couldn 't I ? My little boys were old enough to sit during the rehearsals and do their homework and play some games on our electronic devices , so yes , I would do it ! I went home and told John what had happened . I reminded him of the sacrifice our family would be making : floors unswept , dishes undone , frantic simple dinners prepared , little time for anything else but the musical for the next six weeks . The dear man readily agreed to support me . Things were going well for the first week . I began to bond with the music director in a way we hadn 't before , which was rewarding , and I was enjoying getting to know the students . The little boys behaved unbelievably well during the rehearsals and I just knew I was going to have the time of my life for the next six weeks , working with my two teenagers , getting to know people I hadn 't before , and creating something amazing , that evokes emotion for hundreds of people , out of nothing . At the beginning of the next week , however , something happened that would drastically change everything . I was cleaning up lunch and I suddenly realized I had not had my monthly telltale sign . I was a week late . I had been so busy at the school , I hadn 't even noticed . Since I stock dozens of pregnancy tests I buy from the Dollar Store for the local women , I flippantly decided I 'd just go take a test after I clean the kitchen . I probably had the date wrong . I hadn 't gotten pregnant for three years . Why would I be so now ? The minute after these thoughts went through my mind , my heart suddenly started pounding and I knew , I knew , that I was pregnant . I gave Baby Hippo his device that he gets to play for a few minutes before naptime ( By the way , he will no long go by Baby Hippo , as he is now five years old , and a normal weight . He will henceforth by known as the 5 - year - old boy ) . and quickly went to the bathroom with test in hand . I laid it on the counter when I was finished , then went to put a log of wood on the fire , because I love to take a nap in the winter with a small fire going in the fireplace by my bed . When I went back to the counter , there were two lines on the test . My heart seemed to seize and leap at the same time , so various were the emotions I felt as I saw those two lines . Then I looked at the box again , because I momentarily couldn 't remember what two lines meant , although I did know , I just couldn 't believe it . I was pregnant . For the twelve time . Ironically , just the week before , I had had two friends over who wanted to learn to make bread . One of them had a baby , and as I watched her struggle with him , I told them both , " Every time I 'm around someone with a baby , I feel soooo glad I don 't have a baby . " That being said , a rush of gratitude came into my heart and I immediately knelt down in front of the fire place where it was so warm , and thanked God for the blessing he had given me , the chance to have another child , to be the mother and guardian of eleven beautiful spirits . I was ecstatic . I didn 't know how or when I would tell John , though . We had lost two babies three and a half and three years ago , both at seven weeks , so I wasn 't sure this one would stay . Should I wait to tell him or should I have him involved from the very beginning ? The choice would be made for me the next day . John and I needed to do some shopping at the border town three hours away , so we loaded the kids up and began the journey . While we were driving , John began a conversation we had started a while ago and about what kind of vehicle we were going to purchase . Our fifteen passenger van was on its last leg and we had said that when the 18 - year - old boy left for his mission , we would get an eight - passenger SUV , which , by the way , is so much cooler than a 15 - passenger van . John asked if this was still the plan . It all of a sudden occurred to me that this could no longer be the plan . I said , " Um . Well . That 's really not going to work for us now . " His quick mind immediately grasped my meaning and asked , " Are you pregnant ? ? ? " " Yes ! " I said . He then went into John mode , saying , " Okay . at the auctions my uncle has been telling me about , you can get a 15 - passenger van for about $ 11 , 000 . " He went on in this vein until I finally asked , " Well , are you happy ? " He said , " Yes ! Of course ! And I hope it 's twins ! " I was so happy . There is so much more I want to tell you . I want to tell you how I told my mom . I want to share more feelings with you . But there is just too much to write . But the next part I must tell you . I am not going to take the time to write it out like I would have had I known I would be posting it to this blog , but I 'm going to copy the letter I wrote to the 18 - year - old boy on his mission . It was figuratively scrawled out quickly between answering the door , taking phone calls , answering emails , and responding to countless Facebook messages and comments , all while trying to process all that had happened on our way home from the border town . Here is the letter and accompanying photos . . . . . So , on Saturday we had to go to El Paso to watch Landon play a game against Cathedral , which is the all - boy Catholic school . It was also the twins ' birthday , so we decided to take them to the zoo and shopping for presents . The boys lost pathetically , only scoring like 14 points , but Landon made like 5 of them or so ! Can you believe it ? It was pretty awesome . But Bro , Hatch saw that I wasn 't watching the game and that I missed seeing one of Landon 's shots , so he sent his grandson , Caleb , over to me to tell me that I needed to stop gossiping with Cade and watch my son play ! I think Bro . Hatch just needs to worry about coaching his team . So anyways , we took the kids to the zoo and shopping and eventually loaded up the van to go home . I had also bought a new laptop , had a huge number of oils in a bag from the mail , and John had purchased many things , including 8 wheels for work , a BlueRay DVD player and $ 600 worth of groceries . So we got a late start heading home . It got dark quickly , which we don 't like , but we just couldn 't get things done on time . It 's about 7 : 00 by this time and we 're cruising along at about 70 MPH , which is our normal speed . Cars are oncoming and some have their brights on , so it 's hard to see . All of sudden , just as a car is about to pass us , I see the silhouette of two huge cows exactly in our lane in front of us . I say silhouette because we couldn 't see them with our headlights because we were somewhat blinded by the oncoming traffic . So I scream , " THERE ' S A COW ! ! ! ! " And the split second later , we hit it going about 70 MPH . I didn 't see it hit our windshield , but I heard the sickening sound of metal and glass crunching and then we were stopped and my glasses were down around my chin . ( I would later learn that it was the airbag that had knocked down my glasses , although I never saw or felt it . ) It was all so fast . I put my glasses back on and turned around and said , " Is everyone okay ? " Some of the kids started crying , but before I could see if everyone was all right , John yelled , " EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE VAN ! ! ! NOW ! ! NOW ! ! ! " I didn 't know why . I didn 't know if we were about to get hit by someone else going 70 MPH or if the van was going to explode or what , but I jumped out as fast as I could . Claire had the presence of mind to get Daniel unbuckled and all of the kids jumped out at the same time . Johnny was crying and his lip was bleeding and swollen to the size of a small sausage . I told the kids to get far away from the road , to follow me , but Claire was just standing there . I said , " Claire , come on ! " She said , " Mom , I don 't have my shoes on ! " And I told her to just run anyway , that the van was going to explode . She said tWe were probably sitting there for about ten minutes watching John trying to put the fire out , but then he came up to us and said that he couldn 't get the fire out and that the van was probably going to blow , so we should move very far away . So I picked up Claire again , and we ran about a football field 's length away . We sat there , the kids sitting on my lap , and Claire standing , and watched our van become engulfed in flames . Claire cried as we watched it burn , saying it was just so disturbing and upsetting to see our van in flames that way . There was a series of explosions as each tire blew , the battery , the gas tank , but no one was hurt . Many emergency vehicles started showing up , Federales , municipales , bomberos and ambulances . Everyone was so kind to us . One of the Federales took off his coat and put it on Daniel . A random driver waiting for the van to burn so he could pass through gave me his jacket . The ambulance drivers gave us many blankets and more coats . I kept looking at the van , watching it burn , thinking how amazing it was that all of us survived . The thoughts would come into my mind about all the stuff I was watching burn , my purse , with the pass cards in it , my lap top , the new lap top I just bought , my iPhone , iPod , iPad , all of our food , the music for the musical , which costs $ 300 to replace , but I just kept saying to myself , It 's okay . It all can be replaced . All of us are okay , and it 's a miracle . Then , what to my surprise , Landon and some of his friends from the basketball team walk up to us . Apparently they had been a few cars behind , just stuck in traffic , waiting for the firemen to put the fire out and let them clear . They were quite annoyed with whatever " stupid driver left his van to just burn in the middle of the road . " They were teasing Landon , " Yeah , Dude ! That 's probably your van ! hahahah ! " Well , after the flames got put out , the bus driver decided to let them go see the wreckage , and then one of the boys said , " Dude Landon ! That 's your dad ! " John saw Landon at the same time and wavedWe were so lucky and so blessed and we certainly have a new perspective on life . Things could have ended so differently . The Lord is good . As you can well imagine , dealing with the aftermath of this accident was an emotional challenge . And for John , it was a physical challenge as well , as his shins endured severe abrasions , bruising and swelling , as they took the brunt of the collapse of the front dash . We had trouble sleeping for many nights and we wondered if our new baby , the size of a sesame seed , had survived the ordeal . I knew that I would know in a matter of time , so I choose not to see the doctor at this time . When I returned to play practice , I told the music director that I had discovered I was pregnant a few days before and her face showed immediate concern . She is a mother of seven grown boys , and knows how difficult early pregnancy can be . She became even more concerned when I told her of my previous miscarriages . She worried that I might go through a miscarriage during the six - week rehearsal period . She felt like maybe she should find someone else . I told her no , that I would be okay . I knew how to handle my morning sickness and if I did lose the baby , I would bounce back quickly . She agreed to have me continue to assist her . This second week of practice , everything went fine , until Saturday night . Right before turning into bed , I saw pink blood . I audibly gasped and felt immediate devastation . I came out of the bathroom and told John . His face fell and he hugged me and said how sorry he was . I asked him for a priesthood blessing and after he gave me one , we were both comforted . I waited for the heavy bleeding and the cramping to come , but it never did . Nothing else happened . No more blood . No cramping . Of course I pored over articles on the internet to try to find out what it all meant , I talked to other moms and I prayed . The advice I latched onto was that I needed rest . This is not something I 'm good at , but I wanted so much to keep this baby , so I asked John to go to the house of the lady who sometimes helps us , Esther , and ask if she could come for a couple of hours every day to help with the cleaning until we could find out what I knew immediately what I must do . My normal inclination would have been to leave the doctor 's office and let the baby come when it would . I knew my doctor wouldn 't like that idea , but it is what I would have done . I would have scheduled the D & C , then called back later to cancel it and let my baby come in its own due time . But the musical was in three days . What if she started to come during one of the performances ? I could make preparations for the blood , but could I deal with the pain ? No , I could not . Not during three - hour performances where I would need every once of concentration . So I went to John 's office . I called him from the parking lot and asked him if this was a good time for me to come up . He sounded so happy to know that I was there , and said of course it was . I picked up the ultrasound picture that said " Bebe aborto " and the list of doctor 's instructions in Spanish , and went up the stairs . He immediately saw the ultrasound picture in my hand and concern spread across his face . This was the first time I had ever been to visit him randomly in his office . I told him that the baby didn 't make it . His face fell . He came over to the side of his desk where I was and hugged me . He didn 't say anything for a while , and then he said he was sorry . I said I was sorry to . So I made the appointment for the D & C for that night . And I didn 't call later to cancel it . I had left play practice for my appointment , and when I came back , and began playing the piano , the music director looked at me with concern , and asked if everything went okay . I was playing the piano , and there were many students in the vicinity , so I just smiled and nodded . After my song was over , I sat down next to her and didn 't say anything . She then turned to me again , and said , " So everything is okay ? Everything went okay ? " Then I told her the truth . I had to repeat myself because she had a hard time processing it . I told her that I would go get the D & C that evening and that I would be back for rehearsal the next day . By this time we were having six hour rehearsals every day . She looked at me aghast and said that under no circumstances was I to come back the next day , that if I really wanted to do what was right and be there for the kids , that I would make sure I was healthy for the actual performances . She said that missing practices was not a big deal , but being too sick to perform because I hadn 't recovered correctly would be much worse . I finally agreed . I then walked across campus to where the 14 - year - old boy was playing a football game . Everyone in town was there , or so it seemed , people who I hadn 't seen for a week or two , and everyone asked , with a cheerful smile , how my pregnancy was going . If they asked in front of many people , I lied and said everything was fine . And this is not me . I loathe lying . I try never to do it , but I didn 't know what else to do . Finally someone asked me privately , and I told her the truth . I then went to find one of my best friends , who was selling concessions for the booster club , and pulled her aside and told her . Other people came up to me randomly , and asked how my pregnancy was going , and if there were many people around , I lied again , and if we were in private , I told them the truth . It was excruciating . My baby was lying dead inside me and I was having to look into the eyeWhen I arrived at the hospital , John was already there with a calming smile on his face . I was assigned a bed and the tech came in and began prepping me for the procedure . He attempted to put a needle in my vein to get blood for lab work , then to attach the IV , but he didn 't succeed the first time . If at first you don 't succeed , try , try again . And he did . John was sitting on the sofa bed beside mine watching . After he attached the vile that was to go to the lab to the needle , filled it up , then removed it , apparently he had made no plan to stop my blood from continuing to flow once the vile was removed . So my blood began forcefully pumping out of the back of my hand onto the floor . It was pumping in spurts . I watched in fascination , thinking , " There is all my blood , going down onto the floor . " He became flustered when he realized what was happening and quickly asked John to come and help him . John got up , took the offered vile , and the tech finally was able to stop my blood from being spilled all over the floor . After he left , John and I laughed , saying that that was the sloppiest job we 'd ever seen and that he was lucky that John was there to help ! Then we waited and waited some more . I thought I would message a few people to let them know what had happened . One friend I messaged works with her husband in the big town , and said they would be right over . These were the same friends who came to visit me in the hospital when this same procedure was done three years ago . I felt so comforted that I would see them again before going into the delivery room . They arrived only minutes before I was wheeled out , though , but it was still a blessing to have been able to feel of their love before I went in . I said goodbye to John and suggested that this would probably be a good time for him to go home and get the kids , as I knew I wouldn 't be out for at least another 45 minutes . Earlier in the day John has suggested that we bring the kids to visit me in the hospital . I knew it would be an uncomfortable and perhaps difficult experience for them , but he suggested that it might be good closure , since they would probably have a difficult time understanding and processing what had happened . I felt like this was a wonderful idea . So he kissed me goodbye and I was wheeled to the delivery room . I don 't like that they do this procedure in the delivery room , because I was there before , giving birth to a big , beautiful baby boy five years earlier , and it brought up so many of the amazing memories a mother feels when she gives birth . I looked at the incubator my baby boy had been in . I remembered when my doula had told me while he was crowning that she could see his hair , and that it was black . I remembered that " gloriously empty " feeling of just having a baby , when all the pain is over and there is nothing but joy and elation . None of that would happen for me now . The anesthesiologist entered the room . He is a wonderful , caring man , as most anesthesiologists are . He has a tender smile and comforting eyes and constantly reassured me . When he was finished with the insertion of the epidural , I looked at my heart rate and noticed that it was faster than usual at 88 beats for minute . HeI spent the next three days at school , and in bed and when all of the performances were over and were a huge success , I felt like I could finally let go physically and emotionally . I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday . I cried most of the night . And on Sunday , I felt better . I attended church , hosted a large family dinner , then slept some more . As I write this , I feel nearly fully recovered , six days later , but I know I need to ease into things carefully . I 've been on partial bed rest for four weeks now and I know it 's going to take a while to get up to my normal and preferred speed . The kids have spring break this week , so I won 't have to worry about schedules . The house will fall to pieces , I know this , but it will be wonderful to do what we want , when we want and just be together as a family . I keep wondering why this all happened during this six - week period of time I had decided to dedicate to the musical , a time that I had known would be taxing in just a normal situation . The discovery of the pregnancy , the explosion of the van , the three weeks of partial bed rest and finally the saddening and disappointing news of the loss of our sweet baby and the subsequent procedure . I have wondered if it was to teach my kids and the kids who knew of my situation in the musical perseverance . I have wondered if we were to learn to place our lives in God 's hand and to accept his will in all things . I have wondered if the kids were supposed to experience loss to prepare them for the bigger losses they will inevitably experience at some point later in life . All I know is that I hope I can learn all that God wants me to learn during this journey . In a church meeting I attended this weekend , we were taught that God 's plan for us is perfect . I have thought about that a lot . Our lives our difficult , sometimes even full of many burdens to be born , but this is His plan for us . He designs each of our lives as a perfect fit to our individual spirits to help us grow and be refined into the people He wants us to become . It is uAs always , thanks for listening . : ) I miss you and I hope to write more in the near future . Have a wonderful week . I 'm a Mormon American , mostly vegetarian housewife raising 10 AWESOME kids , including twin toddlers and a newborn , in a tiny farm town in Mexico . I 've reluctantly traveled the survivor road when my first husband , and first love , committed suicide in 2004 , leaving me a widow with 6 children . Since then , however , I have found happiness , now that I 'm remarried , to my soul mate , and about the smartest man on the planet . He totally supports me and reads my blog everyday , possibly because he knows that every night I 'm going to ask him if he did . Follow us as I try to find humor and excitement in the everyday affairs of running a home ! |
I am an insane human being . I have been a wife for 15 plus years , and a mom for almost as long . I had 3 children early on . . . then struggled with life and IF and loss for 8 years . Thought our family was complete , so I compensated by adopting all the shelter pets . Then we were surprised that our luck changed . Our running total is Parents : 2 , Kids : 5 , Pets : 4 . My life is far from perfect , and much of our happiness was hard fought and won , from the death of a parent , job loss and marriage troubles , miscarriage and IF , we have been through it all , and dare I say we made it , with a lot of love and laughter , and not taking ourselves too seriously . My oldest ( but not old ) dog passed away over the weekend . It was sudden , and it happened fast . Within 2 hours of her getting sick , and in under 45 minutes of arriving at the emergency animal hospital , she died . We cried ourselves to sleep on the couch together that night . I am in shock , and beyond heartbroken , and just so , so , so sad . My big beautiful gentle giant baby is gone . She is the second dog in my adult life I have lost . I miscarried and lost my first dog at the same time , so pet loss is especially traumatic for me , as I relive some of the worst times of my life . That is where I have been living the past couple of days . I suppose I should try and cobble together some sort of updates - post type thing to break the silence . That is sort of how my life has felt lately - cobbled together . Smooshing small pieces of one and things together in a haphazard sort of way , all patchwork - like . Life is good , really good . But also really hard . But as I told my teen yesterday , it is how you handle the hard that matters , and lean on those you love and God . And that is how I have been tying to live . I am not always successful . I could stand to have more calm and perspective in every moment , but I pray hard , and I try ! My teen recently got her first job ! I helped her apply , coached her on following up and interviewing , and taking her to set up her own official checking account at the local credit union . I am walking through this with her in hopes that she learns financial responsibility and that just because you have a " magic " plastic card doesn 't mean you go swipe - happy . I know I didn 't really learn any of these skills at home or in school , and had to learn many things the hard way . My job is going well . Well , the same as always . It 's stable work that I love . Being in health care , there are so many issues that are national problems that all of us in the field can see but that haven 't yet been really addressed or fixed by anyone in power to do so yet . All of the bad decisions over the years have led to a trickle down to the bottom , where we are essentially expected to give top notch , high rates care while being understaffed , under - supplied , and most certainly underpaid . Do more , give more , with much , much less . It is not just my hospital , it 's everywhere in the US . It is really such a shame , and it is scary . Other countries have proven healthcare systems , I am not sure why the US can 't get it right . I think I mentioned here before that we are switching my 2 middle - schoolers to a different school in the fall . If I ever wondered if I was making the right decision , the school has given me numerous reasons over the past few months to know that I am right to leave . Much of it is political , in which the way they are running things and the decisions they are making . We have been at the school for 11 years now , and it is not the same school we started at . There were always things that could be improved upon , and a couple very poor teachers who just did the bare minimum , but the overall feel of the school is gone . Lots of things this year really fell through the cracks . And parents who were supposed to be in charge of things ( think room moms and teacher aides ) really dropped the ball and don 't do the job they volunteered for , which means kids lost out . I can say that as someone who was highly involved every year in many aspects of the school and committees , from fundraising to room mom , to numerous events . I stepped away this year from doing that because I knew with 2 toddlers I couldn 't commit to the time I did last year . I had 2 other moms who signed up to help so it shouldn 't have been bad , but they literally didn 't help do anything the entire year . The one mom signed up again this year and still has literally done nothing . I don 't understand that . Why sign up if you are not going to be bothered ? ! ? For a school we are paying money to attend , there are just too many things that are making me unhappy . My 12 year old is excited to start the new school . She herself is tired of much of the nonsense going on at this school . For example , there was some issue of vandalism in the middle school bathroom . So the teachers locked the bathroom and said no one could use it until someone confessed . All the girls kept their feminine hygiene products in the bathroom , and were not allowed access because the teachers were too angry to listen . Of course my daughter had her period and needed to get her stuff that day . Dont worry - I took major issue with this . She is excited for all the new opportunities at the new school , and is anxious to be somewhere where the students aren 't treated like little children . She has also decided she wants to be an actress and has been practicing her skills making YouTube videos . She would make a great lawyer , though because she likes to argue her case non - stop , and often has some very valid and well thought out points . The latest is that she wants to color her hair , and will be allowed to atbthe new school in the fall , but so far I am not convinced . I feel like that Ian something that can wait until high school . My 11 year old son just got to go to his first NASCAR race a couple weekends ago . He has become a huge fan and got the tickets for Christmas . He had a ton of fun and has deemed the entire experience " being making my people " . He got to stay at the campground overnight with my sister and brother in law , and really lived the atmosphere . His driver didn 't win , but he still had an amazing time and we are trying to work out doing this again , though probably not this season . It is expensive and there are no local races so travel is involved . Plus , my sister is the one with a camper , and she lives out of state to begin with . My smallest babes are good . Toddler Boy has such an explosive and volatile personality that it keeps me on my toes . Baby boy is a climber and in to everything . The dog food dishes and the dishwasher and his favorite things that I have no way to block or lock . We have decided that I will do a home - school nursery school for a bunch of reasons , so I am going to try to implement more structured time , somehow . I 'm not good at one management at all . So we will see how that goes . We spend our days reading , playing with lots of different Legos and blocks , climbing and sliding , wrestling with the dogs , and exploring the outdoors and digging in the dirt . I try to do coloring / drawing / painting but Toddler boy will only do that for about 5 minutes before he has had enough , and Baby Boy just like eating and throwing crayons . I spend longer setting up and cleaning up than on the actual project . Toddler boy is a champ at all his puzzles , knows his letters , colors , shapes , and numbers , and can almost totally pedal his bike the correct direction . He is a head strong maniac who dominates all my time . In the best possible way ( most of the time ! ) With Mother 's Day being this weekend , everyone asks me what I want or am going to do . Honestly , the answer is nothing . I would much rather have everyone in my life seem more appreciative Day to day , vs one day of whatever . I often feel overworked and underappreciated , which gets wearisome . I am going to get off work a little early so I can celebrate with my own mother . The following weekend I get to go away briefly overnight to a concert , and although I won 't be totally kid - free , this is something that I want to do that I look forward to every year . I am nervous leaving the smaller ones overnight , because nighttime can be difficult if there is night - wakings , but for one night it will be ok . At least that is what I am telling myself ! Our new favorite game to play when it gets dark out is laser - light tag . I stand on the deck and shine the laser into the yard and the dogs and kids try and catch it , chase each other , and play tag with the dogs . It 's freaking hilarious ! So that 's life right now . The laundry and the dishes are endless . The job feels often thankless . The remotes and cordless phones are always missing , along with my sanity most days . No one knows what tomorrow will bring , so I try to live one day at a time , sometimes one moment at a time , trying to focus on the little things . This story is super hard to write about , and I still carry a lot of shame and guilt over this . To this day the only other person who knows this story is my husband . But I feel like I need to tell it here . Breastfeeding was going perfectly well right from the start , until sometime in the 4th to 5th month . Despite one wonky weigh - in during his 2 month appointment ( which I blame on inconsistency with person weighing and how , sometimes they would say no clothes , sometimes clothes , always a diaper . . . ) baby boy was doing well . He was always a very content baby from the start . . . Happy to be put down and look around , never complaining . I had seen him roll over both ways a couple times but he didn 't seem interested in going anywhere . But during that 4th - 5th month he was cutting his feeds short . He wasn 't crying like he was still hungry , he only actually cried when I tried to keep putting him back on the breast . When I was at work I wasn 't pumping as much as I had been , but I didn 't think anything of it really . One day during his 5th month I just started to think he was kind of skinny - looking . All of my breastfed babies were long and lean , but he just looked . . . tiny . I felt like he had barely nursed that day , so I grabbed one of the sample cans of formula and a bottle . . . and when he saw the bottle he went nuts , crying and fussing . And he ate a ton . And I melted down . My baby was hungry and I was starving him . I am making light of it here , but trust me when I say it was bad . I was a hysterical , depressed mess for 3 straight days . I had enormous guilt and shame that I didn 't notice sooner . What kind of mother was I ? ? I don 't deserve to have these five children . I thought for sure people would judge me if they knew . . . she has too many kids , she can 't handle it , her baby was barely eating and it took weeks for her to notice . What happened ? My best guess is that the bottle my husband was using was from my ( at the time ) 2 year old , and wasn 't functioning properly . The baby was getting suuuuper fast feeds from the bottle , and went on a nursing strike , refusing to nurse after the initial let down of milk . He became lazy and didn 't want to work for the milk . I noticed the first time I used that nipple that day that something was wrong , After talking with Lactation nurses and googling everything , I decided I would order Domperidone and use that . Of course it 's not approved in the US , but it 's not unsafe as our friends in Canada have widely proved so I wasn 't worried . And I was desperate . I wanted to feed my baby . I didn 't want him to have bottles of formula . I wasn 't ready for it to end like this . So while I waited on the Domperidone to arrive from Vanuatu , I basically didn 't leave the house for 2 weeks . I nursed the baby , I supplemented with a bottle right after , and I pumped right after all of that , around the clock , usually every 2 hours . I was manic about it . I have no idea how I even found the time , looking back . But I did it . As far as plumping my baby up , I had 2 weeks until his 6 month check - up . I was on a mission to make sure he wasn 't underweight . So we made his supplemental bottles calorie heavy with extra formula . I also beefed up any pumped breastmilk he got with formula . I also wasn 't picky . . . we used all the different free cans I had gotten in the mail . He never had any issues with any of it . He visibly plumped up quickly , and had actually shot way up on the growth curve by that 6 - month check - up just 2 short weeks later . The domperidone came within that 2 weeks , and I immediately took a dose . It took me a few days to figure out how much to take and how often , but there is a ton of info online that helped me with this . Within a couple days my breast were becoming engorged again , my pumping output was much better so I knew I had milk . Now I just had to figure out how to convince my baby I had enough milk for him . The goal was being consistent about nursing and pumping , and I was quickly building up a huge freezer stash of milk . It only took about a month before his supplements were all breastmilk bottles . Slowly each day he would nurse longer and take less from the bottle until one day I was just able to nurse him again for a full feed and not need a bottle . I think he was around 7 months when that finally happened . I never would have been able to get my supply back if it weren 't for the Domperidone . About the Domperidone : I am not going to put my dosage on here because I am no doctor and didn 't have any doctor in my life tell me how to take it . I was on and stayed on a higher - end dose because I didn 't want my baby to go in another strike if he suddenly had to work for milk . It took a lot of work to earn his trust back , I certainly didn 't want to jeopardize that . Domperidone works to increase breastmilk by raising your prolactin levels , which is why it can make non - post - pardum people lactate . Raised prolactin levels is actually a side - effect of the drug and not it 's intended use . It is actually an anti - nausea medication that works by speeding up your GI system . The first time , and occasionally when I would take it , I would be running to the bathroom . I only had to use some Imodium once or twice . I most often noticed this on the first dose of the day . Another side - effect I experienced was weight gain . I 'm not sure how it makes you gain weight when it rapidly empties your stomach ( unless it makes you eat more ? ) but I gained quite a bit , all other things being equal . This happened despite a weight - loss program I had gone on right when starting this medication . I easily gained 30lbs , although it could have been 40 . I don 't own a scale , but know that I dropped quite a bit in the couple months after weaning down from the highest dose I was on , and I was still almost 20lbs over where I was when I first started taking it . From what I have read weight gain is more likely , and increases , the higher the dose . I also stopped getting my period , and my sex - drive took a nose - dive . Sex was uncomfortable because of the dryness . This doesn 't last because every step down I took from the medication , the better things got , and all my " signs of fertility " and beginning to return . I actually think I just ovulated about 10 days ago , after dropping down to the last pill and then stopping completely within a week . My baby is fine , thriving , and happy . Despite feeling absolutely horrible when all this started , I can now look back at pictures of him during that time and not melt down . He doesn 't look like the starved baby I then thought he was at the time . He is still happy and smiling . But I will always hold mommy guilt that I didn 't notice sooner that my milk tanked ( or was tanking . ) But for anyone struggling , it is possible to get your baby back to breast . It is possible to fix your milk supply if you want to . Domperidone works and , for me , is safe . 1 . ) Parenting a teenager is hard . Like Duh , right ? ! Everyone says that , but no one tells you just how much it sucks when you have to make tough calls regarding discipline . We just had a major issue to deal with , and I was hoping after it was all over I would have a sense of peace about it . But it just feels shitty . And makes me sad . Even though we made the only right call . It really sucks . I don 't think I can apologize enough to my own mom for being such a shitty teenager . 2 . ) I have caught my third cold in 3 months , one for every month of this year so far . I know it 's because of all the toddler sharing of germ - y kisses and cups , no matter how much I try to avoid it . I need to buy stock in Kleenex . 3 . ) I am impatiently waiting for 2 shows to come back with new episodes on Netflix . One is mid - April , the other m - d - late May . I 've binged the first 2 seasons of Kimmy Schmidt , Love , LoveSick , Arrested Development , Chelsea Does , Chelsea , Lady Dynamite , a few indie movies , and a couple stand up comedy specials over the last year . I tried watching Shameless but it was a bit too gritty for me . I was thinking of Santa Clarita Diet or The Crown next . Does anyone have any recommendations ? 4 . ) I am excited to go shopping tomorrow for supplies for the Easter Egg Hunt I will do with my kids on Spring Break in a couple weeks . Even the older ones still enjoy doing this , but I think they stop doing one in school in like 3rd or 4th grade . I buy lots of candy and cool little trinkets to stuff the eggs with . I hate the little plastic eggs because I always find them under couches long after Easter is over but that 's OK . Maybe I will do a picture post of this if I can get my ish together and remember . I think I am so excited to do the shopping because I am going after a doctor appointment since the party store is in the same area , and I will be kid - free to take my time and shop without rushing . Or buying a million extra things I don 't need . 5 . ) A couple weeks ago my dearest friend and I met up for happy hour , which was a big deal . We both moved at the exact same time , but moved in opposite directions of each other , and the area where she used to live is the halfway point between our houses now . Also , right after I had baby boy , she went in for weight - loss surgery and has spent the last year recovering from that while I was busy trying to keep my head above water with a toddler and a new baby . We talk often , but phone calls end up lasting hours long and involve a ton of kiddo interruptions , so finally we just picked a half - way point and told our husbands they were on for the night . Other than my sister , she is the only other person who truly gets me and my life , and it was one of those good - for - your - soul get togethers . One reason I love and cherish our friendship so much is because it is so balanced and even . I don 't have Snapchat , but she does so we spent a lot of time goofing off at our table taking pictures . Here is one of my favorites from the night . I experienced more work drama this past week . Luckily , this wasn 't personal in nature or having anything to do directly , but I did happen to be involved by default . I didn 't do anything wrong , so all is good . But let me just say that people are freaking crazy . People in high positions are especially freaking crazy . Kindness will always rule over nastiness , and I am not sure why everyone doesn 't just understand this . ESPECIALLY when it comes to people who are caregivers or those handling your food . My dryer is still broken . Repair guy came Monday and said he fixed it . Well , he fixed one problem which was no heat , but there were related problems so on the first load it kept shutting down . After a lot of fighting , someone is coming out Thursday , instead of the following Monday . So much headache . And pethair . The dryer does wonders for collecting pet hair out of the blankets and clothes . Hang drying them does not good , so I feel like there is an abundance of dog hair floating around . Teaching a teenager how to drive is supremely nerve wracking . I have no idea how anyone ever learns how to drive . I really don 't have the temperament to sit in a car with a learning driver . I just want to scream and close my eyes . But I can 't so it 's really hard . I wish I could pay someone to do it for me , seriously . I am pretty sure I just had my first Ovulation in a year , thanks to weaning off of the domperidone . Unfortunately , that means my milk supply is pretty much gone at this point . Which really makes me kind of sad . I was hoping to keep the nighttime nursing session , but he is rejecting it and I 'm pretty sure it 's because I don 't have very much milk now . He 's 16 months , and I had it in my head that I would nurse him until he was totally walking full time , which he now is . But I can 't help but be a little sad at this , especially since he acts like he still wants to nurse . And after struggling so damn hard to get him back to nursing and fix my supply 11 months ago , I just feel so very guilty and sad about this . But I couldn 't stay on the domperidone any longer . I fee like there should be more fanfare if he was the last Baby I will ever nurse . Toddler Boy hasn 't been feeling well this week , so it 's made for some very long and boring days . It finally want too cold or muddy yesterday so we played outside for a while which was nice . Then it 's back to cold today . I can 't wait until the weather just makes up its damn mind . My niece turned 22 today . Which is just crazy to me , because I was there when she was born , and I got to cut her cord . I was a junior in high school , and she is about to graduate college . Man that makes me feel so old . I have a million spring cleaning items I need to do , but I have no idea where to start . I have a desk piled high with papers and other junk . It 's the catch - all area , a hidden room off of the den that 's part - office , part dumping ground for things that have no place . There 's a door so we don 't have to look at it . But it 's bad and I can 't find anything . It 's just so overwhelming , and I need a day without toddlers underfoot so I can get it done . My walk - in closet in the master bedroom is also a mess . I have clothes and items that have . When outgrown and out in there for storage , but it 's getting a little out of control . And the coat closet is a mess , but until the weather decides to warm up for good , all the cold weather stuff still has to be accessible . This month is kind of a quiet month with not much going on . April will definitely pick up . We have Easter and Spring break and all the fun activities we do for that , a concert , a NASCAR race , my sister 's birthday , and already a few appointments on the calendar . I can 't believe we are already looking at the 4th month of the year already . Time is just flying . In my last post I mentioned that during a snow event , my dryer decided to break . That 's been so . Much . Fun . Because of course we had like 6 loads of laundry that needed to be done , plus all the wet snow clothes . We literally hung clothes and towels on every available surface on my first floor , including cabinet doors and the blades of the ceiling fans . I could have gone to a laundromat or my mom 's , but it 's been windy and freezing , and the idea of lugging heavy , wet loads out of the house to anywhere just sounded really unappealing . The stupid thing is we actually have a brand new , spare dryer . But it 's electric , and we don 't have that hook - up here . We got a quote for that when we moved in , but it seemed like a lot of money to me and we didn 't actually need the hook up at the time so we didn 't have it done . Hindsight and whatnot . I do have a home warranty so I can get it fixed for the nominal service fee , which is awesome . But it also means going through the process and parts are likely to need to be ordered , so it won 't be fixed quickly , but it will be ( relatively ) cheap . My brother - in - law in another state talked my husband through what it would be to run the electrical himself , but my husband has never messed with electrical and it seems . . . risky . It involves tapping into the main electrical box , and if he makes a mistake could mean a several - thousand - dollar fix by a real electrician , and possible death , so yeah . Plus , the cost of the material needed alone is more than our service fee , and he won 't know it didn 't work until it doesn 't work , meaning we wouldn 't be able to return anything at that point and recoup any money . So , we wait . I haven 't been sleeping well at all for the past week . Between totally weaning from the domperidone and the time change , I 'm a freaking mess . My hormones are going crazy trying to regulate I think . I 'm flashing hot and cold day and night . Nighttime is the worst because I 'm like dying hot going to bed and rolling over constantly trying to find a cool spot . Then eventually I start to be freezing cold , but 5 minutes after I pile on the layers I 'm sweating again . The thermostat is right where it always is , so it 's obviously me . Not sleeping well is making for a very cranky me , so I hope my body gets itself together soon . My gyn is going to love talking to me at my annual visit in 2 weeks . Today one of my dogs found a way out of my yard . We have a fence , but it 's pretty crappy in some spots , which we rigged up when we realized there was a hidden hole she found . We had a company come out when we moved in and they wanted nearly $ 4K to replace the fence with the same crappy design we have now , which doesn 't work for our dogs . To get the type of fence we ideally need , it was $ 10K . So we opted to get a much more affordable invisible fence . Only at the time we only got 2 collars for the smaller , more mischievous dogs that were going under , around , and through to get out . Our bigger dog never tried to get out , and we figured we were safe because she could easily leap over the fence if she wanted . And we mostly were , until this hole presented itself and she walked right on through . So we rigged it , but the weather must have knocked the piece down . So my poor husband has to come home and trudge through the icy snow to figure out how to fix it again . On top of the fence business , he is also trying to fix our basement . I wrote a little over a year ago about how we had a sewer back up in our basement . It wasn 't bad , but in my foggy post - pardum state decided to make an insurance claim to get the water cleaned up . I just thought that 's what you do . Well , I won 't ever make a claim again . Not only did they immediately raise my rate , but I got a letter about a week ago asking for proof that we fixed everything . Apparently this is standard before a policy renewal , so they say , but no one I know has ever heard of this . Of course we had not made the repairs . Because . The area that got wet was our laundry area , and for some reason the carpet came right up to in front of the washer and dryer . So the carpet that was cut out was a big square in front and a small portion to the side of that area . They also cut out 3 parts of the lower drywall , about a foot high each . They took out much more than was actually damaged of both the wall and the carpet . This is the area that boxed in the washer / dryer . It is all off to the side of the main room , right next to the utility room . Initially we were going to put down hardwood flooring and get rid of all the carpet , but it 's the kids ' area , and they balked , saying the carpet made it more cozy . But then they also proved they couldn 't not spill stuff and take food / drinks down there , and I didn 't want to get brand new carpeting . Then we had water back up a few more times in that same area and realized that carpeting that area again was a bad idea . So life went on and we didn 't fix any of it , and really sort of forgot about it . It 's a laundry area and looks like it . Plus , kids toys got put in that corner and you couldn 't see the walls anyway . So fast - forward to now , we have to have it fixed to provide either pictures or receipts that says the work is done by the 20th . If we don 't , I am guessing they won 't renew our policy . So we had to quickly think up a plan to make it looked fixed enough for pictures . My husband fixed and cut the small bI hope nothing else decides to break down this week . It 's utterly impossible to get anything done with toddlers around . The littlest one got mobile and so the steps are his favorite place to hang out . And he just figured out to climb up onto the dining room table and literally try and swing from the chandelier . My mom is super - busy doing her seasonal tax job , so I literally have no back up during the day to try and work on any of this . My poor , wonderful husband . My Toddler boy who is now 3 was born during a Polar Vortex . It was bitter cold when we brought him home from the hospital . Needless to say , he isn 't a fan of cold weather . The first 2 winters he was old enough , I tried in vain to bundle him in a snowsuit and boots and take him outside . This was a futile attempt because he would scream and cry and kick off his boots and yank his gloves off with his teeth and throw himself all around in the snow in tears , despite having older siblings who were bey clearly enjoying the snow and trying to take him with them down the hill on a sled . I have even tried just letting him walk out on our deck and check out the snow , giving him a chance to see and touch it on his own terms without having to get all bundled up . Once he got his hands on the cold wet snow , he had had enough . He loves playing in the water so I even let him go out in tennis shoes to stomp around , but nope . If he made it 5 minutes , that was a long time . He was the only one of my kids who had never been sledding . I couldn 't even find the 3T snowsuit , having never pulled it out of storage because why bother . He was out shopping with my husband on Sunday and when the cashier told him that there was going to be snow coming , he promptly said " I no like snow . Snow is Yuck . " So today we woke up to snow . Not the 1 - 2 feet like they were predicting when I went to bed last night . We got maybe 6 inches of snow with some ice on top , and that 's being generous . We haven 't had any other substantial snow all winter so this was our last chance . I got up and told all the kids to get dressed and moving , we were going outside in the snow . My darling 3 year old once again told me " Snow is Yuck . " But then he watched our crazy dogs go outside , jumping around kicking and biting and throwing around all that glorious white stuff . He laughed and laughed at them . My husband and I bundled the little guys in too small snow suits ( that 's what happens when it 's freaking March and I pulled out the snow stuff way back in October ! ) and took them outside . At first little 3 year old winced at the cold wet air hitting his face . But then I showed him the little sleds and a small enough hill to go down that was fast enough for him but easy to climb back up . Then he realized I could just pull him around in the " baby " sled . Then he realized we could kind of make a snow man , and oh look at that I can make a ball and throw it . And I can kick and knock my snowman down . Hey , it 's fun to stomp around in the snow ! So we played until his clothes were soaked through . After lunch he promptly passed out in my arms . We went back out a little bit later after a nap and a snack . This time the older kids were just coming back from the big - kid hill and played with us . I actually got to take some video of him sledding and of the sibling snowball fight . I came back in as it started to get dark , only to discover that my dryer broke . So now I have a million articles of wet snow clothes plus other laundry hanging all over my house . School is already on a delay for tomorrow with a possible cancellation , and all I can think of is not having a dryer to properly dry snow clothes . Maybe my toddler was right after all . I love having my phone as my camera , because not only can I capture random , mundane moments I would otherwise miss , but also because I can always have them with me . I can scroll through favorite moments and always have my family close , even when we are apart . I also find gems that my kids take when I 'm not looking . Everything from selfie after funny - faced selfie , to the floor of the car , to funny things happening in the background of life . Usually I blog from my phone , and I can 't figure out how to quickly pull pictures over to blogger , so I never add any . Today I am lucky enough to be on the laptop , so I thought I would share some of my favorites over the last 6 months or so . I have a million more than I was able to post , but here is a sampling . And since blogger is being dumb and won 't allow me to caption individual pictures , these are trees peaking in my backyard , one year old pleased with his destruction of his smash cake , practicing blowing candles out with older brother , getting to blow his own candles out , a rare occasion of a clean room , brother love , my first batch of cookies done during the harried and crazy holiday season ( a victory for sure ) , doggie snuggles , baby sweetness , cool shot from NYC trip , and my favorite room in the winter . In no particular order . My girls are absent from this collection only because I didn 't really have any from this time frame that were my favorite or just featured them . My two oldest children are girls , 2 weeks shy of 4 years apart . They shared a room at one point several years ago , but we had to separate them because it was nonstop fighting and I couldn 't handle it . This was probably when they were about 5 and 9 . My oldest was often the bossy , bully - ish big sister and not very helpful . There was never a point where I could have left her in charge of her two closest siblings , even for a short period of time . My younger daughter would often try and ask for homework advice , as her sister had all the same teachers and did most of the same projects , but she usually got met with grumpiness and an unwillingness to be helpful . It used to break my heart for my younger daughter , and I spent so much time talking to my older one about how mean and hurtful she was being . Her little sister even stood up to bullies for her , taking no crap and calling them out when she would see her older sister get picked on . But nature has a way of working things out , or time rather . The older they both got , the better the situation started to become . When we moved to the new area , but three older kids really started relying on each other more . The first summer we spent in this house they spent it together , camping out in the basement together , or exploring the neighborhood together . It was so nice to not have them always fighting ! My oldest has taken them to football games and after - game hangouts at the local diner , and they often go either one - on - one or as a group to hang out around the neighborhood together . It 's so awesome to see that when one of them wants company , they seek the others out and offer to go do something together . They also will often conspire together to ask for something special from us , or one convinces the other to sneak into the kitchen to whip up a batch of late - night cookies . I think sometimes they figure if they are all involved and not bugging me to do it , I won 't balk at the mess ( or the cookie sheets that always end up being put away dirty . ) The relationship that has really made me the happiest to watch bloom is the one between the two girls . Because my sister has always been , and will always be , my idol and the person closest to me , the only one I want to talk to when things are crappy , or when things are awesome . She is 9 years older than me , but she has absolutely always been my idol ever since I could walk . She just gets me , and accepts me for me . She is the only one who never asked or expected me to be anyone other than who I was . We live in different states now , but we talk all the time and I still miss her . When my youngest daughter got her first period , after I comforted her , she wanted her sister . Then she was ok . This past week she had a particularly crappy week , that all came to a head Friday after school . I was given a heads up a little before school let out that it was going to be a crappy time . I knew my oldest wasn 't going to be home until later that night . I almost texted her anyway telling her that her sister was going to need her , but I decided not to . After I had held and calmed and talked , shed asked if her older sister was home , and said she needed her . She asked several times that evening when she would be home . She needed her sister . And it made me aware of how much I still need mine , and I called her and immediately felt lighter . Later that night she didn 't want to be alone . Despite a lot of recent fighting between them , ( thanks , stupid girl hormones ) she sought out her brother . They watched a movie together and camped out in the basement for the night . They might be mean and yell and fight , but when the chips are down they all seem to step up . I grew up with lots of siblings , but we were all spread out . Still , my best memories are the ones with a full house and lots of chaos . I remember being my youngest daughter 's age ( 12 ) and really relying on my older siblings despite the large gap in age . I remember how close I was to my older brothers , and how I found solace in them in a way I couldn 't with my parents . I knew how important those relationships were in my life ; I just really didn 't grasp how important they are in my children 's lives until now . And I realize that THAT is where my desire for more children comes from . To do what my Dad did for me , that I never even realized until now . To build this family that will always have each other long after I 'm gone . So that they always have someone who lived the same life growing up , that can relate to them like no one else . And also , so they will always have a group of people who will love them unconditionally for who they are , who can share in their trials and triumphs , and who will always have their back . Just like I know that I know that no matter the miles or the time apart , I have a group of people I can pull from . I could show up on a doorstep in the middle of the night and I would have refuge from the storm . I know it won 't always be smooth sailing . But family is forever . It 's a little after 8am on a Friday . I woke up way early having to pee despite really wanting to sleep straight through after last night . The wind was so strong and intense that the power went out , and the entire house was up . I couldn 't get settled until everyone was done waking up in confusion hearing the wind wail in the pitch black . We have a lot of trees , when it 's windy it 's very noisy on the second floor . So far this morning we have nursed , sent older ones off to school and Daddy off to work , ended a meltdown , had our morning banana and milk , played a game of catch on the stairs and then included the one dog and we all played catch with her and her toy too , cuddled on the couch , and playing in the living room . It 's almost time for me to make breakfast . I 've been waking up hungry but waited because the boys need time to play first . Despite the headachey , tired way I feel in the mornings ( thanks weather for those things ) today things feel relatively calm and serene . Which is often not the case . My mornings are usually very noisy , with older kids arguing for a spot in the mirror , or a missing jacket , and the littlest ones decide they need to add to that and there are tears for attention and breakfast and attention . Those days have a way to make the day start crappy . Today won 't stay like this . There will be moments of meltdowns and tantrums that test my patience and force me to have to do a mental reset . Today is ordinary . We have no special plans , other than to figure out a meatless dinner in this first Friday of Lent . It 's cold outside . Very cold . It 's germ season , when some really nasty bugs circulate , so we would be avoiding playgrounds anyway . There are already toys spilled all over the floor . There is a ton of laundry to do . But these are the days and the moments that fill my heart . These ordinary days are the days I am going to miss the most when they are over . These may be the lasts of the firsts I will ever have . I am trying to appreciate all the little moments I have with them , in this life . I had to take a break writing this because the boys went from happy to hangry in a hot second . We had breakfast , did the dishes , picked up messes , went and played upstairs in the boys room ( where I let them pull all the stuffed friends and blankets off the beds and bounce and play ) , picked up the kids ' bathroom , and one of us got to take a nap . I also went through the closet looking for a few smaller clothing items I needed , gathered up the dirty laundry , played dress up in winter clothes , picked up another big mess that required a broom , sliced an apple for a snack , and called in to pay a bill ( because they charge you to pay online and I refuse , also I never have stamps ) , and am getting ready to make lunch . This life , it 's not glamorous . It 's not fancy . It 's not rich in money . But it 's rich in love and laughter , and sticky , slobbery kisses , and big unending messes . But I love it just the same . Posted by So yesterday I had the most unexpected , offensive , and upsetting conversation happen at work with one of the doctors in my department . He 's a small man in his 60 's who probably weighs like 130lbs soaking wet and has never struggled with weighing too much a day in his life . He makes a lot of money ( but still dresses cheaply ) , has a huge house on the water and a boat he likes to throw department parties at , and has an odd sense of humor . The encounter started like this : Well , you 're so short , and it 's bad for your heart . You 're so cute . I can tell . . . you know , I really like you ( or some off compliment that was trying to show he wasn 't being offensive ) what did you weigh in high school ? No , my grandma . Once I hit puberty I got the boobs , butt , hips , and thighs . I 'm also the shortest in my family so I really got screwed . I 'm working on it . He maybe realized at this point this wasn 't maybe the most appropriate conversation to have . I don 't know if it was the look on my face or my voice or what . But he started talking about other things that I didn 't really hear and after a few minutes I finally said " so there 's coffee . Bring your own cup " and walked away . I walked away feeing like I wanted to tell somebody what he just said , but feeling too ashamed and embarrassed to do so . I felt absolutely horrible . I was shocked to the point of not even believing that had just happened . And I just felt like shit . Like I shouldn 't put one more piece of food in my mouth for the rest of the day , although it was only like 10am . I walked back out front and never even touched my coffee . I sat and stared at my computer trying not to cry . This doctor . . . I don 't know him that well . I 've never had a personal conversation with him beyond asking about life in general and taking about our kids . I only see him once every six weeks or so , so it 's not even like we work together all that often . I have no idea why he thought it was appropriate to comment on my weight . He probably didn 't even think twice once I walked away . But that conversation has totally fucked with my head . I know I shouldn 't let someone stupid get to me , but I can 't help it . It makes me angry because he is first a MAN who has no idea what it 's like to be pregnant and have your body got all screwed up after that . He has no idea if I have some medical issue that 's maybe preventing me from being able to lose weight , or could be causing me to gain . He doesn 't know if I have any stressors in my life that are going on . He doesn 't know anything about my personal situation . He probably assumes I 'm just a fat slob that doesn 't take care of myself and sits around eating Mcdonalds all day . When he said " You 're so cute I can tell . . . " I know he meant your so cute , I can tell you 'd be even cuter , or more attractive , or even pretty if you weren 't heavy . In an age where we are supposed to be teaching that everyone looks different , and people of all shapes , sizes , and colors are beautiful . . . why are we still back to this . That if you changed c , y , or z THEN you 'd be better . Why are we still making each other feel like they aren 't good enough as they are ? How do I teach this to my children . How do I learn this for myself ? When I look in the mirror I don 't love what I see . But I have learned at accept it to a point so that I can live with myself and whatever size I am so I don 't fall into a depression that I am very susceptible to . I will never be skinny , but I try every day to make smart choices and add in extra excercise when I can . I had just recently dropped some weight because I could tell by how my pants were fitting . But this . Oh man . Now I feel like when I am out in public people don 't see me as a mom of 5 , as an awesome healthcare worker , as a Child of God , but instead as this fat , overweight ugly personal taking up too much space . And that sucks so much . I 've never been a skinny person who could eat whatever I want . I have no idea what that feels like . I have always struggled with my weight , and depression , and depression surrounding my weight , and numbers on the scale , and numbers on the tag of my pants . I have to work really hard to make the scale budge at all , sometimes it taking a month or more being super strict to even get a pound off . It 's such a mental thing I don 't have time to fight with myself about right now . But seriously . . . when did it become ok for people to feel like they can comment on someone 's weight ? It 's like asking someone when they are going to get rid of their acne . I really wish I had stood up for myself to him , but I was just so shocked that the conversation was even happening . It hit a huge trigger with me . . . the shame , embarrassment , and self - loathing I have experienced all my life surrounding my weight . Even the times when I managed to lose a significant amount , I still always felt like the fat girl in the room . I need to be okay with myself as is , because I might never have one of those weight - loss transformation success stories , and I can 't live my life that way . . . hoping and wishing and waiting for the day when I 'm the skinny one . That might never be in the cards for me and I need to be okay with that . But this . . . I feel like it undid all of the work I have been doing just to be okay with myself . Part of me wants to do something about the situation . I have thought about writing him an email to address the inappropriateness of it all , or go to a supervisor , or even HR . But there comes that shame . I just want this to go away . I don 't want it to be talked about . I don 't want any more embarrassment of having my weight talked about . And I have this deep down fear that me bringing up the situation will somehow get turned back around on me , and then the whole thing becomes an intervention about my weight . Gosh , as I write this it must sound like I 'm big enough to be on one of those my 600 - pound life shows . My weight is not that out of control . But that is how I feel when people see me . And it sucks . While I sounded really down and depressed in my last post , life hasn 't been all that bad overall . Post - holiday let down is a real thing , folks . I am already feeling better and more hopeful , and each day gets a little better as well . December definitely had its moments , but overall there was much to celebrate . We took a family trip to New York City to see all the touristy , holiday things . Despite it being a wacky trip full of ridiculous shenanigans that really deserves a post of its own , it was a great little getaway and I am really glad we did it . We celebrated my oldest son turning 11 with a trip to the trampoline park and a sleepover where we woke up to a very icy morning . We watched lots of Christmas movies , ate lots of yummy treats , made homemade gifts of pumpkin bread , jam , and cookies . We tried our best to get a picture of all the kids in front of the Christmas Tree , with a little success . We listened to Christmas music , drove around looking at lights , wrapped gifts , and tried our best to really enjoy the season . The week leading up to Christmas was a cluster of epic proportions that left me not only saying " What else could possibly happen ? ! " but also supremely frustrated and ready to cancel the entire thing . Not one of my kids wanted to be helpful or cooperative , and things were falling apart at every turn . I tried to space out things I needed to do in hopes I would give myself enough time , but somehow , as always , it came down to the last 2 days and I was non - stop and exhausted . Seriously , the week had everything from illness , to a whole days worth of baking ruined by someone " trying to help " , to a potty training toddler smearing poop on every surface of the living room ( curtains included ) 3 days before the house was to be filled with guests , to a dog dripping blood all over the house after she cut her mouth chewing on tree branches , to a washing machine leaking all over the basement in a fluke event that hasn 't happened since , to a 12 year old kicking her 11 year old brother in the nuts so hard he was on the floor for an hour in tears , to me just losing my shit because my kids were acting AWFUL . And at the end of that very ridiculous week I ended up in Walmart on the Friday night before Christmas basically in my PJs because a gift I Christmas Day itself ended up being ok , if not a little weird . The older kids are mostly not believing in Santa ( although you dare not say you don 't believe in my house ) and the younger ones are still too little to really " get " it , my husband and I don 't do any real extravagant gifts for eachother ( and he 's not the greatest gift - giver anyway , sigh ) and my dad isn 't here , and now I 'm the adult who has to do all the cooking . . . so yeah . I love going to mass , though , and celebrating Jesus ' birthday , but we do that on Christmas Eve . The week after Christmas we had nasty germs going around our house so it was a very long week . No one felt well so everyone kept to themselves , except Toddler boy who was really down and out with a fever so he spent hours each day just laying on me . I escaped a couple times to go out for more medicine and juice and other sick day supplies , and managed to get myself together enough to go back to work . After 2 weeks at home I felt weird like I didn 't want to leave my family bubble . I remember feeing the same way at the end of my maternity leave . Which is so crazy because I got to work and was like yeah . . . these are my people , they have my back and I 'm protected . Ive mentioned that I 've been an emotional weirdo lately , I wasn 't kidding ! But . I have been in a rut and I need to do something starting NOW to get myself out of it . I need a fresh start . I have some lifestyle changes I want to make . I want , no I NEED , to start taking some time to put myself first . . . or at the very least not dead last to the point of being forgotten . This last year has been a wonderful blessing , but MAN was it challenging , in a whole host of aspects . Being a mom to a new baby and a demanding toddler is hard ; being mom to a teenager is even harder . Trying to juggle all the balls was more than a little insane . Somehow in this last year I have managed to really lose myself . I made myself so unimportant to myself that it rubbed off on those I live with . . . I started to feel unimportant to them , too . The holidays were very hard . Everything just kind of came to a head . . . it was like everything I was trying to do for everyone else didn 't even matter to anyone . I started to feel like I didn 't matter . Like no matter what I did it wasn 't ever going to be enough . And I just really lost it . On top of my fragile emotional state , there is the physical yuck I have been feeling . I gained a bit of weight over the last 6 months , partly from a medication I was on , and partly from putting myself dead last . I didn 't take are of myself when it came to eating and getting any real excercise . My clothes don 't fit right . . . even my " fat " clothes feel snug . And I just don 't feel well . I feel fat and unattractive and frumpy and just gross . I am going to be completely honest here and say that I don 't get much support at home when it comes to things like this . Basically the general feeling is one of indifference , so long as it doesn 't affect the rest of the house . This also doesn 't help my emotional well being , but it is what it is . I 've shed plenty of tears over this but it 's not something that is ever going to change . It does make me feel a little like the love is conditional . Which really sort of sucks . So , on my own , I am going to try to start putting myself above some other things . I am going to try to get a workout in everyday , and I am going to try to feed myself properly and not be so busy with everyone else that I only have time to grab a sugared up cup of coffee . I am going to work on my mental well being , as well . I can 't tell you how much it sucks to be 38 and still feel like crap about your body . How probably now the comparing myself to others nonsense has come back with a vengeance like it hasn 't done since middle school . For a long time I was Ok with myself , but something happened to my body image since having these last 2 babies and my self - esteem has just taken a nose dive . And it 's all in my head because no one has made me feel that way , I assure you . So . . . if anyone out there has any support they can give , I could sure use it . Right now I feel all alone . And it 's scary . |
A series of books about a greyhound . Lacey Blue is the smallest dog at the track , but she has the biggest heart . If you love dog stories , romance , adventure , you 'll want to read Lacey 's stories as she fights against , slaughterhouses , cruelty , dog fighting , kill shelters , and puppy mills . Once upon a time in faraway land , there were two great kingdoms . They were known as the Great North Kingdom and the Great South Kingdom , or to the people of that land , simply North and South . Each kingdom had its own royal family and the subjects managed to get along fairly well except for the occasional squabble over minor trade issues or border disputes . King Basil was the ruler of North and his lovely wife Queen Constance was known as much for her wisdom and love of justice as her beauty . In fact , she was known as the wisest Queen who 'd ever ruled . Their one and only child was a son , Prince Valentin . Like good and loving parents they doted on the boy and made sure he had the best education and learned many life lessons that would prepare him to one day rule his own country . He grew into a handsome and charming young man filled with virtue . Prince Valentin was known throughout his country for he traveled far and wide coursing his beloved hounds and riding the horses he loved . A typical young man in his prime , he loved the sport of the field and it was said that other than his parents and his loyal subjects , Prince Valentin cherished his hounds and horses above all else . In fact , he spent so much time with them and at sport , that his education suffered somewhat . The story of greyhounds , or dogs , is pretty much the story of the human race . Everything about us , the good and bad , is reflected in our relationships with our animals . They are like a mirror held up for the world to see all that 's good and bad about the human race . In Lacey 's story there are many kinds of people . There is fear , loneliness , anger , cruelty , generosity , selflessness , joy , love . Those stories changed the world , especially the world that animals live in . Do you live in the same world that your greyhound lives in ? The answer is yes and no . Humans have more control over their world and also the world of their pets . Dogs have no voice to speak for themselves . They are not unionized or organized . There is still plenty of violence and cruelty in the world and they , our best friends , are subject to a lot of it . The news is filled with reports of the uncertain world that animals live in . " Lacey Blue and Friends , " is meant to tell an entertaining , sometimes even humorous story , but the message is clear . There is still too much abuse and violence . We need more adoptions and more compassion for our four legged partners in this world . While most humans are kind by nature , there are still a few that are cruel . Sometimes , the best way to change the world is by telling a parable or story with a moral . The abovementioned books , and " Uncle Tom 's Cabin , " changed the world forever . So while it is good to have factual accounts and reports to let us know what is happening , fiction can be a powerful tool to make the world a better place and that is the goal of Lacey 's story . Once you 've read the story , you 'll understand . Please help me to share the story by passing this along . I really don 't know why I 'm so slow , but I am . Maybe it has something to do with all the books I read or the fact that I am a chronic daydreamer . I like to think of myself as a consciousness explorer , but some people have opined that I might just be a goof - off . There are two kinds of people in this world , those who close gates and those who don 't . I am a gate closer . I grew up around large animals that were in fields and paddocks that were locked for a reason . It was hammered into me at an early age to close a gate when I passed through it . Where I came from , gates weren 't just for decoration and if you didn 't close them , a herd of cows , a bull , the horses , or sheep could wind up in a road or the neighbors garden . In other words , there 'd be hell to pay if you didn 't close the gate . I had to walk into the bar and pass through a door . First , Andy was supposed to go through the door with a dead deer on his shoulder . Then , when I got my cue , I was supposed to go through the same door . So the door had to be closed after he walked through it and it was . I walked through the door and closed it . Then I did my bit . After the shoot , the director thanked me and I thought I had done a good job . On the night of the MTV Music Awards show , I eagerly watched the show because the video was a promo on the show . But when I watched it I got a big shock because I had been cut out of it except for about a second when Andy says to me , " Hey , " or something like that . Looking back on it , I realize why I got cut out . I stopped to shut the door . During the editing the editor probably thought , " Wow , he shut the door . Nobody shuts doors on film . " So shutting the door probably cost me my film career . I left Hollywood shortly thereafter and haven 't been on film since then . No one in Hollywood , other than my friends , noticed . One of the things that bugs me in life is people who don 't shut doors and people who don 't shut gates . Have you ever noticed that people in movies often don 't shut a door ? I watched " North by Northwest , " last night and noticed that after the maid let Cary Grant and his entourage through the door of the house he was supposedly brought to against his will , she didn 't shut the door . What maid in real life wouldn 't shut a door after letting guests into a house ? There she is trooping through the house while behind her , the door is left wide open . It is so phony and yet , in movie after movie , TV show after TV show , nine times out of ten , they don 't shut the stinking door . Why ? I was moving into a house with my daughter in Studio City and we had a gated yard for the dogs . Laurel Canyon Boulevard is a very busy road so we always made sure to keep the gates shut . Furniture was being moved in and cable guys came to install cable . During the confusion , one of the cable guys walked through a gate and left it open . Our miniature Australian Shepherd , Pyro , who had been right beside us a minute ago , went out the gate without our knowledge . I rushed out and found the little guy lying in the center lane with cars zipping by . I threaded my way back into the house with his limp and lifeless body in my hands and put him on the counter . I couldn 't get a heart beat and as far as I could tell with a mirror , no breath . My daughter was in hysterics . I told her to call the emergency number for the Vet and I started working on Pyro . I did some energy work , believe it or not , based on IET and my experience as an energy worker . After a while I got a heartbeat and then , finally he was back with us and lifted his head . Pyro had a badly broken leg and dislocated hip . He was missing one tooth and another was broken and his eye was swollen shut . He had to have a pin installed in the leg along with some wire to keep it all together . There was no time to blast the negligent cable guy over the gate , but his employers certainly heard about it later . If I am ever in a movie or TV show again and pass through a door or gate , unless I have explicit instructions from the director , I 'll still stop to close the door or gate . It may cost me my shot at immortality , but it 's just something I have to do . So if you happen to see movie and there isn 't a scene with a guy who walks through a door and closes it , that was probably a movie I was in and got cut out of , because I broke the rule and closed the door . I don 't know about you but sometimes , for me , it seems that time is just zipping by while I am stuck in one spot . I think I finally actually remembered to get into the pet hop and also got the code . We 'll find out . I have been working so hard on a book about animals and in particular , a greyhound and her friends , that I haven 't had much time to connect with other people who love animals . My closest brush with interacting with animals this week came when I pulled into the yard two nights ago and almost ran over my friend Elvis ( he is a young porcupine that seems to think he 's human ) . Elvis and his friend were in front of the door where I usually park my car . We had a chat and he promised not to do that again . They are so dark and just a round ball , so they don 't show up very well at night . As for the Lacey 's book , I am on the third proof , 30th re - write ( or so it seems ) and it doesn 't look like her story will be out on the 1st of November as I 'd hoped . On the other hand , when it is ready , hopefully in about a week , it should be worth the wait . The next problem , of course , is how to present it to the world ? Greyhound lovers will probably be interested , but there are a lot of other people who would like a good story about animals and people who have adventures and romance , but how to tell them about it . Who knows , perhaps a new book hop ? Hmm , we 'll have to look into that . Then again , I 'd have to remember it , wouldn 't I . For now , I am happy to finally be part of the pet hop and look forward to spending some time hopping around and visiting the different blogs and reading the interesting things you all write . I 'm a big fan of biorhythms and consult my biorhythm generator almost every day to see what I can expect from myself . For those who don 't know what biorhythms are , briefly , they were first studied in the 19th century in Berlin by Dr . Wilhelm Fliess . At the time , Dr . Fliess , a medical doctor , noticed that his patients had times when they seemed more susceptible to illness and after studying his patients for a while , he concluded that each human being has certain biological rhythms . Dr . Fliess charted just two such , " master internal clocks , " as he called them . The first was a 23 day cycle for the physical cycle and the second was a 28 day cycle for the emotional rhythms . These cycles supposedly start at birth . Later , scientists would add two more major cycles for intuition and intelligence . In modern times , insurance companies have used biorhythms to try to predict when workers would be more accident prone . The thing about biorhythms is that you are not always at your best . There are even critical days when your cycle is going from positive to negative . Some studies seem to show that you really are more accident prone or susceptible to colds and flu when your rhythms are critical or not positive . My own anecdotal experience seems to support this as well . Today , for instance , is one of the least favorable days of the year for me , according to my chart . As you can see , however , I don 't hide under the bed just because it is supposed to be a rough day . I think we should still try to do our best and use each day we 're given to make whatever progress we can . The most important lesson that I have learned from following my biorhythms and the biorhythms of family members is that , like everything else on earth and in nature , animals and people have cycles . That means good days and bad days . There are days when a dog is naturally mentally sharper and emotionally calmer and there are days when they are more prone to goofy behavior or mistakes . When training a dog , that 's very important to know . My own experience has been that after I teach a dog something , it will sometimes seem to regress or forget . Knowing that he or she may just be having a bad day helps to explain this and I can allow it without feeling discouraged . Some people try to find the ideal mate by finding someone with compatible biorhythms . According to my biorhythm calculator Amy Locane , the actress , and I are 100 % emotionally compatible and overall we are 95 % compatible . I am not sure , however , that Amy would agree . Imagine if you could find a pet that was 95 % compatible with you ? On the day that you came home and found the shredded slippers you would be having a good day , emotionally speaking . You would forgive your dog and give it some extra loving because you realize it was just having a bad day . The biggest obstacle to charting dog 's biorhythms is that they can 't tell us what they are feeling . When the original study was done in the 19th century , long before computers , the family trees of 10 , 000 individuals were used and the researchers went back three generations . If we could do that with dogs and had a record of when they had accidents , bit the post man , won a race , saved a child from a burning building , etc . , we might be able to figure out what the canine cycles might be . Some people have tried to use biorhythms to figure out which horses were likely to win a race , but I haven 't heard how this actually worked out . I suspect , like a lot of things in life , it is much more complicated and the human mind can 't grasp all that it entails . For instance , while I check my biorhythms almost every day , I also check my numerology report . There are days when they do not agree . For instance , on this day that my biorhythms call one of the least favorable days , my numerology number for the day is 9 and my report says that it is a good day for problem solving . Have you ever checked your dog 's name to see what number he or she is ? If you know your dog 's birthdates and full name as well as the name he or she uses most often , that would be the name you call him or her , I guess , then you could do a numerology chart . Each number has its own influence or resonance and according to the study of numerology , our days and lives are governed by numbers . Carl Jung , the famous Psychiatrist and a student of the I Ching , believed that we enter this earth on a wave ( similar to a cycle ) and that we are tied to certain events that will occur and therefore , it isn 't so much the number itself that determines the events , but simply that the numbers , like the address of your house , denote the location of the event in time . Whatever the case may be , as I said before , the most important lesson to be learned from this is tolerance . We all have good days and bad days and they are caused by a myriad of factors , some of which we don 't have any control over . Having spent a lot of time in the company of dogs , I can tell you this . They always do their best , but like humans and other creatures , they are limited by their own rhythms and have days when they are smarter , calmer , happier . I would love to see the results of a study to try to understand the biorhythms of dogs . Perhaps if we all started writing down the days when our dog 's are smarter , goofier , happier , sadder , physically stronger or weaker , a pattern would begin to emerge . In the long run , I think everyone , especially the dogs , would benefit . If nothing else , it might help prepare you for those good dog and bad dog days . Years ago I had a little farm and a small flock of sheep . I didn 't have a dog at the time and , of course , had to remedy that situation . The dog I chose was a long haired German Shepherd . He was just a puppy when I got him . I named him Wolfgang . His real name was very long and very German and sounded like Schutzhund . Wolfie , was a good little dog who grew into a very big dog and a very good dog . He also looked like a wolf . His training was minimal because he knew what was expected of him and did it . Could you imagine what the world would be like if people were the same way ? However , I am digressing here and will try to stick to the point . The point was that Wolfie was a very good farm dog . One of Wolfie 's specialties was homeland security . He guarded the premises and no one came in without permission , and that included other animals . We had an overflow of rabbits one year and had to place some in cages outside . We usually kept them in the barn , but there were just too many so we put some outside . We were in the house after dark and heard a commotion outside . Coyotes ! I don 't know how many coyotes there were . They were among the cages , howling and yipping and trying to rip the cages open . I opened the door and Wolfie scooted out , a low growl escaping as he passed me . I raced out with a flashlight . My biggest concern was that there was a pack of coyotes , from the sound of it , and only one Wolfie . The coyotes , however , would have disagreed with me . I am sure , to them , it seemed like there were a dozen Wolfies . He seemed to be everywhere and wherever he was you could hear his low growls and the coyote 's yips of pain . I tried to catch him , but he was too fast and drove the coyotes into the woods and up the hill behind the house . It sounded like a war . He finally came home , no worse for wear . I never found any dead coyotes , but I am sure there were many wounded . We lost one rabbit that night . She had died of fright . We never had another problem with coyotes . Wolfgang had left an impression on them , in the form of teeth marks , I 'm sure . Wolfgang was an impressive animal and no animals were more impressed than our sheep . When it came to herding , Wolfie was a natural . I think it was his favorite job . I thought I would have to train him , but he was so smart , I simply told him what to do , and he did it . The sheep had been taking advantage of me for quite some time . They knew I was a slow human and they could outrun me and if they felt like spendingt the night in the field , what could I do about it ? I had a ram and a few ewes who just didn 't want to be locked up at night . Considering the coyote population in our area , being safely locked away in the barn was a must . Until Wolfie came along I often spent considerable time herding sheep alone . Even as a puppy he knew what I wanted and quickly had the sheep in line . I can still remember the looks on their faces the first time Wolfie joined me in the evening when I was putting the sheep away for the night . Wolfgang crouched low and just stared at them . Then he began to inch forward and they nervously crowded together . The old ram made a show of staring him down . He turned and got between Wolfie and the ewes , but as soon as Wolfie moved , the stampede started . " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie " I said . He did . They ran for shelter and naturally headed straight for the barn . Every evening , after that , putting the sheep in the barn was no longer a time consuming job . I simply showed up with Wolfie and yelled , " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie . " They headed for the barn right away and never challenged his authority . If I wanted the sheep I only had to say , " Bring me the sheep , Wolfie , " and he would herd them to me . Unfortunately , however , dogs do not live long enough and Wolfie aged and finally left us . His legacy lived on , though , because all I had to do was walk out to the field and yell , " Put the sheep in the barn , Wolfie ! " and the flock would head for the barn . As new sheep were added , sheep who had never seen Wolfie , they were trained to head for the barn with the rest of the flock . No doubt they had been warned by the old timers about Wolfgang . It always gave me pleasure to think that Wolfie was still herding sheep , even after he had passed on . Hi , Lacey here . As you know , I have paws and find it very difficult to type so I have partnered with Bill to tell my stories . Unfortunately , I didn 't check his qualifications before agreeing to work with him . I don 't want to sound critical , but this guy is a little backwards when it comes to technology . In fact , it 's a wonder that he has figured out which end of the pencil writes and which one unwrites . He says he wants a computer as simple as his toaster , but what he really needs is a computer as simple as he is , I think it 's called an abacus . I 'll let him explain . Here 's Bill . . . Very funny , Lacey . As you know , I usually write about animals and nature and I promise that the next thing I write will be about the great outdoors or a family pet . This time , however , I am writing about a problem that I share with many others . I 'm talking about all this technology that is supposedly making our lives better . I 'm a writer , a storyteller to be more precise , and I am trying to build a website and promote it to sell my latest ' gem , ' a book about greyhounds and other animals . It 's taking longer to build the site and get it right than it took to write and edit the book . It 's just too much . I saw a post in a blog that I decided I 'd like to share it with my friends . So I clicked on the button that said I could retweet it , but then I was asked if I had an account with that particular service . It turns out that it wasn 't Twitter . It was another app . that works with Twitter . I thought I had pretty much reached the pinnacle of technology when I opened a Twitter account , but apparently , I am still a piker . There are now more ways to share an article or item with your online friends , most of whom you 've never met and wouldn 't recognize if they were sitting in your living room , than you can shake a memory stick at . It 's too much . I just want to write my little stories , one letter and one word at a time . I sit in front of my computer and I am confronted with buttons of every shape and description asking me if I want to do all kinds of things . Remember when PCs first came out ? They were going to simplify our lives . The first computers would fill a big room and were nothing more than number crunchers . They were giant calculators that wouldn 't fit in the biggest nerd 's pocket , even without the protector , but technologists fixed all that , didn 't they ? We now have powerful computers right on our desks or even held in our hands . There are computer chips in just about anything you can think of . At the turn of the latest century I was horrified when people told me there was a computer chip in my toaster and it wouldn 't work after Y2K . Do you remember that ? Supposedly , the world was going to come to a screeching halt because there was a computer chip in my toaster . We used to say that the President had his finger on the button , meaning he could push a single button and launch enough nuclear missiles to obliterate the entire world . Imagine that , one button to destroy the world , but six to read my email ? After Y2K the only thing that would be possible was the complete annihilation of the world because that button would still work , or would it ? Maybe they had also installed a computer chip in the nuclear weapons button so the President couldn 't even destroy the world . We would all wake up one morning and have to settle for no toast and no nuclear war . My toaster is one piece of equipment I have managed to master despite the fact that it has more than one button . I have it perfectly adjusted to produce toast that is at the peak of golden brownness , as long as I always buy exactly the same brand and kind of whole wheat bread , that is . I just slip two slices into the slots , that never change , and push the button down and within a few minutes I have toast . No apps and no upgrades . I don 't worry about toast 2 . 0 . Why can 't more things be like a toaster ? Why is everything getting more complicated ? I thought these things were labor saving devices ? I recently spent three hours installing an app , and trying to figure out why it wouldn 't work right only to discover that I had left the www off one of the urls I had to put in , so the stupid thing didn 't recognize it and wouldn 't work . Does that sound like a smart app . to you ? Is this the kind of thing we can rely on to make life better ? Personally , I think it is part of a giant conspiracy to keep us all busy so we won 't realize what a mess the whole world is in . How did it get this way ? Why haven 't all these technological advances saved us from the anxiety of an economy that is in the tank and a crumbling infrastructure ? I think the same geniuses who make toasters should run the world . They got it right and quit . They aren 't trying to tweak toasters . Can you name anything else that isn 't being upgraded ? I went through a divorce seven years ago . On the divorce forms my wife filled out she wrote that her reason for filing was that she was upgrading to husband 2 . 0 ! It 's just too much . The year was 1969 , the year of flower power , peace , and love . It was also the year that I left home at 16 years old . I didn 't leave alone . I took my faithful companion , Flash , along . Flash was a very large German Shepherd who had been rescued after suffering terrible abuse as a puppy . He was kind , stalwart , and loyal . He was also very good at being a German Shepherd . He knew what was expected of him and followed the rules . I , on the other hand , was a country bumpkin , still wet behind the ears , so to speak . We had some fine adventures , but they almost never happened because we were almost killed in our sleep one night . We all know that sleeping in a room with an open flame or a gas appliance can be dangerous , but I would also like to add another dangerous situation to that list . Flash and I lived in my 1952 GMC pickup truck . Are you starting to understand the country bumpkin reference ? We occasionally crashed at a crash pad , but most of the time we preferred our own company and lived like a couple of vagabonds , sleeping wherever we parked . The original seat of the pickup truck had been removed and two large and comfy bucket seats from a Buick had been installed . Flash usually slept in the passenger seat and I slept behind the wheel . For entertainment , other than my harmonica , we had the AM radio in the dash . We lived off what I could manage to scuffle up , which usually wasn 't much , but we managed . I dropped in to High School once in a while , mostly out of curiosity and to check in on my more conventional peers . Most of our days were spent riding the roads , hunting birds , or working part time at the junk yard to make enough money to feed ourselves . The cooking facilities in a 1952 GMC are non - existent , so I ate out of cans and Flash ate out of dog food bags . It was the fall of the year and nights were chilly . When we first started rooming together in the truck , Flash tried to sleep on top of me , but I would have none of it and forced him to stay on his own side of the cab . As the nights got colder I began to re - think tPosted by By [ http : / / ezinearticles . com / ? expert = Bill _ S . _ Hart ] Bill S . HartI live in rural Maine and find I am interacting more and more with the animals and less with the humans in my life . I haven 't heard any complaints from either group . When I say animals , I mean mostly wild animals , though there are a few dogs and cats who I know on a first name basis and who are on my Christmas list . One friend I made this year is Elvis . That 's what I call him , I don 't think his parents do . Elvis is a young porcupine . I first met him this spring . My former sweetie and I would go out and watch the hayfield across the laneway in the evening . Elvis started coming into the field about an hour before sunset and would feed on the grass and roots . After a while , he got accustomed to us and we enjoyed watching him . It wasn 't like he actually did anything particularly interesting . He basically just ate grass . Since I don 't own a satellite dish and I read and write all day ( so I don 't feel like doing it at night ) it was watch Elvis or twiddle my thumbs , so The Elvis Show it was . I was sitting under the apple tree out behind the house a few days ago and Elvis came waddling through the wild grass and bushes . He walked within arm 's length of my chair , and climbed the apple tree behind me . He was doing quite a bit of grunting and making what I believe were disparaging remarks . I don 't think he liked the idea that I was sitting so close to the tree . I added insult to injury , so to speak , by taking a picture of him with my phone . He was sitting in the tree eating apples . We hadn 't seen each other for weeks and I thought he would like to catch up on current events , but he didn 't . When I tried to strike up a conversation , it was pretty one sided . Me : Hi , Elvis , long time no see . You 've certainly grown since I last saw you . Elvis : GruntMe : I 've heard you calling at night , have you managed to locate a lover ? Elvis : Grunt . Me : I haven 't , either . Another much larger porcupine came waddling along heading for Elvis 's tree . It got within about 6 feet of me and spotted Posted by Author : Bill Hart ( Have you ever known anyone who thought his or her dog could talk ? ) My phone rang and awakened me from a really good dream . Unfortunately , it dissolved with the mists and was gone ( the dream , not the phone ) . It was forever lost in the ether , like the really good ideas you get when you are going to sleep . You promise yourself you 'll remember them in the morning , but you never do . Like that . It was my brother John , my one and only brother , my boon companion , my fishing buddy , my lifelong friend . " What the heck are you doing calling me at this hour ? " I angrily demanded . " And on a Saturday to boot ! " " I have something amazing to show you , " he said . " It can 't wait until the sun is up ? It 's not like it 's fishing season , John . Unless it 's fishing season there 's no reason on earth to get up this early on a Saturday morning . " " Just get over here as quick as you can . This is an emergency , " he said and hung up before I could get more information . Twenty minutes later , I walked into his kitchen and was greeted by Georgia , his longsuffering wife . She stood in the kitchen in her bathrobe , with a look of long suffering on her face . She handed me a steaming cup of coffee and retreated toward the living room . " Just remember , " she said over her shoulder , " I had nothing to do with this . " John was seated at the table , his dog Charlie sitting in a chair beside him . I guess at this point I should give a little more information about John . He loved dogs and they loved him . He seemed to be able to communicate with canines just using telepathy . He could get dogs to do incredible things and seemed to be on their wavelength . His dogs always seemed to be smarter than other dogs . Charlie was a good example . Charlie was a Husky , German Shepherd mix whom John had rescued from the shelter . Charlie sat at the table and looked over my brother 's shoulder while he read the paper . In fact , whenever we sat at the kitchen table , Charlie sat in a chair just like a human , with an intelligent look on his face , and seemed to follow the conversatioPosted by by , Bill HartIn my family we consider pets family members . This practice can be a little confusing for strangers when I tell them that my niece Jetta is twelve years old and usually carries a tennis ball in her mouth . Jetta is a twelve year old Labrador Retriever , but if I don 't mention that fact , the bit about the tennis ball can raise eyebrows . At the other end of the age spectrum is Karma , my four month old granddaughter , who loves to chew on just about anything and romps around the backyard at full speed until she runs out of energy and falls asleep . Karma is also a Lab . There are other family members who are not of the Lab persuasion , for instance , there is Bennie . Unfortunately , Bennie has a thing for catching birds so I have to be vigilant and shoo him off the deck when the birds come to eat . According to his vet charts , Bennie is a short haired cat of undetermined , though probably mixed , breed . In my opinion , Bennie also leads a charmed life . If the average cat has nine lives , Bennie has thirty nine . He is white with black patches and loves to hang out in the wild grass fields around the house . These are the same fields that our local osprey and eagles hunt regularly . Bennie 's distinctive white coat stands out like a beacon in the green and brown grass and yet , the eagles pass him by day after day , month after month , as do the coyotes and other predators . His owners have tried to keep him indoors for his own protection , but he is miserable when not allowed to roam freely . There are two kinds of cats in this world , outside cats and inside cats . Bennie is the former , a guy who just can 't stay indoors . It 's not like we are afraid of Bennie getting lost , we can always easily find him because he stands out like a white cat in a green world . My grandson Pyro weighs seven pounds and likes to float around in the pool on an inflatable float . He also thinks he weighs two hundred pounds and is the toughest dog in the world . If ever there was a classic case of the Napoleon Complex , it is Pyro . He insists on wearing a tee Posted by by , Bill HartI sit at my desk and write every day , while just a few feet away , on the deck outside the window , hundreds of birds come to feed . There are hummingbird feeders , suet feeders , sunflower towers , and various seed feeders as well as the seeds I spread on the railing and deck . I used to put corn and other treats out for a young raccoon named , Bruce , but that is another story and we 'll stick to this one as long as we can . Needless to say , the birds and I have gotten to know each other over the months and years . I usually don 't gossip about them , but I just had to tell someone about Lenny , especially those folks who might be considering parenthood . One of the nice things about watching my feathered friends is that I get to meet the whole family , when they eventually bring their young to the deck to teach them how to fend for themselves . That is how I came to know Lenny . Lenny may or may not be his given name , obviously , since I don 't speak fluent woodpecker , I 've never been able to ask them . For reasons that I 'd rather not go into , however , I call him Lenny . Lenny is a Hairy Woodpecker . That 's not a criticism , it is a statement of fact . Though I can 't see any hairs on him , that is what his species is called , unless you happen to be a Latin scholar , ornithologist , or nitpicker , in which case you might call him Picoides villosus . I 'll leave that up to you . If anyone would like to dispute these facts , please address your correspondence to the publishers of the , " National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Birds ( Eastern Region ) . " You might think it pleasant to sit and write while just outside the birds are feeding and going about their business , but it can be distracting and sometimes downright bothersome to have all that chirping and fighting going on outside , yes fighting . Even the peaceful doves like to mix it up once in a while , but I am getting off on a tangent again . Lenny showed up a few months ago and his mother stood beside the suet feeder , conveniently located on the railing of the deck ( a littPosted by |
I just finished my final semester of college . I decided to take a road trip of the United States that fall . I packed up all my belongings in my car and just started to drive . I was driving through the South around August , when all of a sudden my car broke down . I packed up my clothes and my important stuff like my computer and decided to hit the road . I didn 't get that far when I saw a large mansion on the top of a hill . It was an old - fashion Southern style mansion covered in white and absolutely beautiful . It stuck out like a sore thumb in the rest of the countryside , so I decided to take a look . The fence did not look all that big so I decided to jump it . I wasn 't a very large man . I was only about 5 ' 6 and weighed about 125 pounds . I still looked like a teenager and it was very hard for me to buy alcohol . The landscape was magnificent as I strolled around the house . It was extremely old fashioned and I was completely taken away . I walked up to the front door looking for anything of value . ( The reason I stopped by in the first place . ) I saw a little statue of a dog and I picked it up and started to walk away . I was almost out of site when I heard a voice say , I couldn 't move another foot until she came towards me . She was dressed to kill . In her tall red heels that seemed to over - power me , the blood red business suit , the perfect makeup , the gold jewelry and the tight hair I was mesmerized . She looked very wealthy and at about the age of my own mother . She took the dog statue out of my hands and yelled at me to get inside . I was about to run for it , but she looked to powerful for me and I I have never been so terrified in my life . The inside was just as , or almost as beautiful as the outside . She directed me to the kitchen and she told me to sit down . I was shaking in my shoes , as she looked me . I immediately shook my head , as I did not want to become somebody 's prisoner bitch . She smiled a little as she hung up the phone . She sat down across the table . We began to talk and I began to tell her of my past . She introduced herself as Mrs . O ' Hara . She also told me that she is widowed and she had a daughter who moved out already . She told me the closest town was about 10 miles around and she pretty much ran the town anyway . She invited me to stay the night since it was already getting late and I agreed since I haven 't slept in a house in months . She led me upstairs and told me to get in the shower while she gets dinner ready . I smiled gently and took a muchneeded shower . My hair was a mess and when it was totally wet , it would fall over my entire face . I got out of the shower and Nobody has figured out my secret and now SHE knew it . I was terrified and put on my pajamas and walked downstairs . I found her at the kitchen table with two plates of food . The meal was delicious and I ate every drop of it . We did not speak a word until the dessert was cleared . She sat down and began to speak . " I first catch you stealing , then I catch you with a dirty magazine . I could turn you over to the cops and you could be in a jail for a long time . But I am not going to do that . I don 't believe in that type of punishment and I will make my own punishment . You will stay here until I say you can leave . This is your new home and if you try to leave I will have the cops on you like a pack of dogs on a threelegged cat . Tomorrow we are going to have some changes to fix your mood . Until then , I wish you goodnight . " She quickly exited and I went to my room . I was completely shocked and had a wave of dread come over me . I was tossing and turning the entire night . I just hope and pray Mrs . O ' Hara is kind to me . I finally woke up the next morning after getting barely any sleep at all . It was extremely difficult to sleep with so much on my mind . I went down stairs and found some hot oatmeal ready for me . I looked around for her , but I could not find her . I decided to dig in on my meal . I was halfway through my meal when I saw Mrs . O ' Hara come walking in . I almost dropped my spoon at the sight of her . She had on a very tight short white dress , white heels , and a beautiful white purse . She said to me , " It 's not polite to stare sweetie . I am going out for some errands ; I will be back tonight . I trust you not to leave because of what I said last night . " I finished my breakfast and went upstairs for a shower and a change . I had the house to myself and decided for a little walk along the place . I went outside and finally took notice at how large the estate really was . It was at least a couple of acres large and I decided to see the extent of it . But as I reached the end of it , I noticed the same fence that went around the estate like a large rectangle . Everything was very symmetrical and very old - fashion . It was like going back in time to the old south or better yet , going on the set of " Gone With the Wind " . I haven 't noticed how the time has suddenly drifted away and it was already nightfall . I came inside to notice Mrs . O ' Hara at the kitchen table . I went inside and she quickly directed me to sit down . I was sweating up a storm because of the southern summer storm and she offered me a glass of lemonade , which I gladly accepted . " Don 't interrupt . I went into town today to run some errands . I did a background check of who you are and noticed that you indeed had no family . So I took the liberty of giving you a family and adopting you . " " No it isn 't sweetie . I have adopted you as my daughter , Rose O ' Hara . This what I said yesterday when I told you that you needed some attitude adjustment . You will always be known as my daughter and you will live accordingly . " I was in complete shock , but I could only simply nod . With all that has happened , I had no other choice , as she has cornered me into a wall and this is my only escape . Her face lit up on fire as she saw my reaction . I quickly walked up the long , spiral staircase as she followed me in hot pursuit . I went down the hall to my old room and walked inside . I was completely shocked at what I saw . My suitcase was gone and so were all of my belongings . The old room was torn apart and it looked like it was having some remolding done . Mrs . O ' Hara just giggled at me as she directed me back down the hall . The first object that caught my eye was the very large four - post , canopy bed . It was dripping with white lace and a mountain of small pillows . I took a closer look around the room . There was a vanity mirror and station in the corner , which was white with pink borders . There was a full - length mirror on the outside of a giant walk - in closet . My mouth nearly hit the floor , or China , when I saw the giant collection of Porcelain dolls hanging right near the bed . Each one looked really expensive and very feminine . I finally saw Mrs . O ' Hara standing outside another door , which she opened and showed me my own " I can see that my pumpkin loves her new room . I have already started a bath for you . Sit in there for twenty minutes and when you are done , dinner will be ready . " I felt like I was in a dream as I took a new glance at my room . I could not believe this place . This was MY room . This was now a 21 year - old boy 's room . I felt like I was 6 or even younger . I slowly took off my sweats and went into the bathroom . The bathroom was even more unbelievable . It had an old fashioned looking tub while everything was covered in marble . This lady was rich beyond her belief . I pondered about that as I slowly went into the tub . The water was hotter than usual . It shocked me at first , but I got used to it after a while . It was very soothing after the couple of days I have been through . I was about to fall asleep when I heard her voice . Her sweet southern voice brought me back to reality . I saw that there was both a shampoo and a conditioner for me to use . I have never used both of them , so I decided to try and impress her a little . I tried to get as clean as I could . I put the soap all over my body . Every inch was covered with soap and it felt very nice . When about twenty minutes came up , I finally arose from my tub . I grabbed the closest towel , which was a very soft and pink towel . I dried myself and was completely amazed at what happened . All of the hair that I had was gone . I used to have a lot of leg hair , but now my very long legs were completely bare . My underarms , my face and even my " special place " were completely hairless . I stared at myself for at least five minutes , not believing this was happening . I stepped out of the room with the towel covering me , looking for my sweats , but they were long gone by now . All I could see was the big , bright pink bathrobe in front of me . I slowly put it on and tied it in font of me . It did feel extremely soft and very warm . I admit that I did like it , even though I looked like a little girl . I put my hair in a small ponytail and walked downstairs . I nodded slowly , with a tiny blush , as I took my seat at the table . She put a large , mouthwatering dinner in front of me and I dug in . After I was full , I had to ask her something . " Tomorrow we will have to work on your dictation and speaking skills . And the answer to your question sugar , is what kind of girl would walk around with hairy legs ? That is not proper . " She grabbed me by elbow like a vice and followed me up to my room . It was a very long and quiet walk to my new room . When we finally did reach the entrance , I was still in shock that this could be my room . She followed behind me and began directing me . I walked into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet . It felt weird sitting on the toilet with my pink robe . My mind could not leave the words she said earlier about tomorrow . What could she have in store for me tomorrow ? What more does she want of me ? I couldn 't contemplate the answers because she was already calling for me . She was standing by the vanity mirror , and I walked up to her . She guided me to sit down and I did . The chair was very strange . It was rather small and with the backing to it , I had to sit very erect . It was very old - fashioned , just like everything else I have seen . I slowly put my hands on the table and spread my fingers apart . My short nails were not something that impressed her . She shook her head and said to me in a softly disguised disgusted tone , " The word , public , hit me like an atom bomb . I couldn 't even comprehend going out in public like I was . I did not speak a word as she painted my fingernails . She began to hum softly as she was painting them . One thing I did notice is that she seemed very happy ever since I became her daughter . It was very nice to see this lonely old woman smile and be so happy . After she finished with my fingernails , she got out a beautiful white brush . She took out my ponytail and she slowly began to brush my hair . The process took much longer compared to when I would comb my own hair . She seemed to put more emphasis on the very tedious process . I could only sit back and listen to her humming which was oddly enough luring me to sleep . " There we go pumpkin . Your hair is very beautiful and you should put more care into it . I will just have to change that . In any case , I can see my little daughter is getting all tuckered out , so let 's get you to bed . " She quickly picked up my nightgown to show me it . It was a soft pink satin nightgown . It looked like it could reach my knees or even further . It had little sleeves and little pink bows around the edge of the neck . There was even a pair of panties to match with an equal amount of ruffles and bows around the edges . I was in disbelief at the garment and for the lack of privacy that I was getting . night to watch you stare at your nightgown , " she said , and quickly pulled the tie of my robe . The robe quickly fell off , and I was completely naked in front of her . I automatically tried to cover myself . But she just laughed and helped me into my nightgown and the panties . It was my very first panties . nightgown seemed very slippery . But in a very odd way , they felt very comfortable against my own body . She tucked me in tightly and sat down next to me . " I am so glad of you today , Rose . You were very cooperative of your new life . I can see that we will be having many good days ahead . Now rest up because you and mommy have a big day ahead . " After some deliberation I finally was able to fall asleep . As quickly as I went to sleep , I felt the sunlight coming against the curtains . I slowly began to open my eyes to Mrs . O ' Hara sitting next to me on the bed . My eyes began to slowly adjust to waking up , and I noticed that it was dawn as the sun began to creep over the land . I also felt a strange sensation near my crotch . I sat up and looked down and noticed that I had wet the bed . A large wet spot formed around my crotch . Miss O ' Hara had noticed the mess and just smiled . I was surprised at her reaction to my mess on the bed . I got out of the bed and went to my clothes . I noticed that same pink fluffy robe that I wore the nigh before . I also noticed some slippers for me to wear . They were a soft pink with about a half - inch heel on them . I put them on and tied the robe tightly against my body . I walked downstairs to breakfast , my slippers clicking all the way . I noticed at the table a bowl of oatmeal and some orange juice . I did not argue and went to eat . Mrs . O ' Hara left the room and went upstairs . After I finished my breakfast , I went upstairs and saw her in my room . I quickly went into the bathroom and disrobed . Another bubble bath was ready for me , and I sunk in . I was still soaking in the bath when the door opened and she came walking in . A broad smile was on her place , She put on a rubber apron that was on the door and she began to wash me thoroughly . I noticed her attire for the day . Her hair was done , professionally , up in a bun on her head . She had on a soft white sundress that was very elegant and showed her nice frame . She did look very stunning to me . Suddenly , she popped my fantasy and told me to get out . She covered my hair in a pink towel , and my body as well . She told me to brush my teeth thoroughly , and when I was finished , to come out to get dressed . I found She first took my hand and led me over to the bed . She took off my towel , and then I was laid back on the bed . I was lying on a diaper . then puts massive amounts of powder on me . I smelt like a little girl because of that powder . She tightly put the two cloth diapers on me with large pink - headed safety pins . She then put on me ruffled , pink plastic panties on me . I was stood up on the floor for the next piece of clothing , which was a soft pink corset . She put it around me and tied it in the back . I could not get it off me without her help and the corset began hurting . I let out a little yelp in pain . But when she was finished , I saw that I had a flat chest , and a small hint of breasts . " You will wear this until you loose some weight , " she told me , as got the rest of my clothing . She put on me two of the whitest , fluffiest , laciest petticoats I have ever seen . I can understand why I am wearing the corset because the petticoats are so tight that they barely fit over my chest . They ended a little below my knees . I never have seen anything so feminine . She zipped them up in the back and got the dress ready for me . It was a very soft pink dress that fit perfectly over my petticoats with a tight bodice , puffy sleeves , and a large pink bow that is tied around me . The dress I had to admit was very beautiful . There were buttons on the back , so I could not get it off without her help . She then led me over to the vanity mirror and I sat down . The petticoats and dress fluffed out , and when I straightened them out , they still fell very far . She took off my towel and began to brush my hair . She took extra time with my hair as she brushed it for a very long time . After she brushed my hair out , she took out a large soft white and pink bonnet . It had ruffles along it , and a large tie that she tied under my chin . It was a very feminine and babyish item as well as very classy . She then put a gold cross around my neck that fell right below my collar . She then rolled up bright white tights up both of my legs . She next put ruffled socks and then soft pink Mary Jane 's with a half - inch heel . For the beginning of the morning , I learned how to become a lady . I learned how to sit correctly , making sure my dress and petticoats did not expose anything . I also learned how to walk correctly , which was very different compared to a man . I took shorter steps and how to walk well with my heels . I learned how to talk with a soft feminine tone and I also learned how to interact . Mrs . O ' Hara told me that since I was so young that I wouldn 't be doing much speaking , but I would when I became a teenager . That thought scared me to my bones . Finally , and most importantly , I learned how to curtsy correctly . By the end , I was an expert and could do everything very well . She smiled to me and said , " You have been doing so well this morning sweetie . You 're a natural at deportment . I am so proud of you . I will give you an extra special treat today . " She smiled to me as she went to the closet . Since it was late summer , she gave me a jacket . It was a soft pink that fell a little lower than my dress with large buttons . I put it on and she took me outside to go to do some shopping . She put me in the back seat and buckled my seat belt as she began to drive away from the house . After about 20 minutes on the road , we finally reached a small town . I was nervous at all the people walking up and down Main Street . We reached the end to a small shopping area with a few stores . She parked the car and told me to get out . She took my hand and led me to a small store tucked away in a corner . The store was named " Angela 's Boutique . " We walked in , and a little bell was heard throughout the store . Nobody was inside except for a rather plump woman behind the counter . Mrs . O ' Hara and the woman seemed to know each other and were good friends . The woman told us to look around and if we wanted to try on anything we could . We made sure that we did . The store seemed to specialize in everything she needed for me . After about an hour or longer , we finally were done with numerous packages . We got more shoes , more petticoats , accessories , ruffled panties and a dress for Sunday . It looked like a first communion dress that was very angelic white . I was so ashamed that I would be in that very feminine dress because many people would notice me . We put the packages in the car and went into another store . This store I knew for sure as it was a Beauty Salon . We went inside and hung up our coats . A young lady told us that our appointment was ready and we should go in the back . We went into the back and met yet another woman . She was in her 40 's and was the owner of the shop . The owner , Lisa , was another friend of my mother . She told me that everything was ready , including my medicine . I was shocked to find out that my medicine had been delivered here . I took one shot in the arm and was told that should help with the hair . My mother got some pills for me and then everything was in order . My bonnet was taken off and a bright pink cape was put on me as I was placed on a chair . My mother told me to sit still as Lisa would begin to do some work on me . I was getting very nervous and I couldn 't hold it in anymore so I peed in my diapers right there . shampooed and conditioned by Lisa . She then put some coloring in it and then set it in curlers . The curlers were so small and tight that a tear fell from my eye . After the curling was done , I was put under hair dryer . As my hair was drying , she took off my gloves and began to work on my nails . She put on small false nails on me and painted them a very soft pink to match my attire . Another pain quickly came as both of my ears was pierced and I had very small diamonds in them . A couple minutes later , my hair was finished . I was very thankful because my head felt like it was on fire . Finally , my hair was brushed and then a large pink bow that we bought earlier was place on top of my head . I finally saw that I had soft blonde ringlets , with a little touch of makeup . I looked very much like a little girl . I looked like a teenage girl in baby girl 's attire . Mrs . O ' Hara gushed in emotions . I did admit that I did look beautiful . I was told to curtsy for Lisa , which I did for perfect and we left the store . I didn 't wear the bonnet or gloves to show off my new look . I was happy cause I was starving , as we went into a little French restaurant next door to the salon . We sat in the back , next to a window looking out at the garden . Mother ordered for me and I sat quietly . She talked the entire time , telling me about her past . I learned that her husband had died 10 years ago and that is how she got so wealthy . She never had a child and she knew I would be perfect for her . Lunch came and we began to eat . We both had salads . She had some chicken , while I had little tiny pieces of vegetables . After we ate , we left the restaurant . As we were leaving , I saw a boy looking at me . Not in disgust , but that he was interested . When we left , my mother pinched me and we both giggled . We decided that we had enough this morning , I actually was getting a little tired . My mother noticed , and told me that her baby needs a nap . I smiled as she drove us back home . We put all my new clothes away in my room . My mother helped me take off my clothes . She left on the corset and she changed my diaper . I wore my nightgown again and settled down for a mid - afternoon nap . I awoke to the smell of something cooking . I put on my slippers and robe to go downstairs . I saw my mother finishing up for dinner . I had some soup and a tall glass of milk . The soup made my tummy feel all warm inside . After dinner , I learned a few minor things about my mannerisms . Later that evening , I mastered everything so far . I was beginning to learn how to sew , when my mother told me it was bedtime . I went upstairs and brushed my teeth . My mother brushed my hair some more that evening before I went to bed . She tucked me in , and I was surprisingly tired , considering the nap . She sat down next to me and talked to me sweetly . you , dearie . You performed excellent at your new status . I have no doubts that you will become my beautiful daughter . I will wake you up early for church tomorrow . You will look your best , tomorrow , in your pretty new dress . After church , we 'll go for a walk in the park . How about that ? " I smiled to her . She kissed me on the forehead and left the room . I fell asleep much quicker that evening , being more comfortable in my new life . Suddenly , morning came , and Mrs . O ' Hara awaked me . The sun was bright and shining through my curtains into my bedroom . I slowly awoke to my mother 's smiling face . I also smelled something horrible in the room . I looked down and saw my diaper was soggy and wet . I had messed and peed in my diaper . My mother just smiled at me . She looked beautiful in her Sunday clothes . A beautiful dark blue skirt suit that showed off her beautiful legs . Her hair , makeup , and nails were done to perfection . She looked radiant as I rose . I quickly went downstairs and ate breakfast . I came back upstairs to get dressed for today . I slowly went into the bathroom and took my clothes off . I sunk into the warm bubble bath . The scent from the bath filled the air . She came in , quickly , and put on her rubber apron . She washed and conditioned my head thoroughly and then she did the same to my body . I began to notice how there was no stubble anywhere on my body . The water was drained and I was told to stay in the tub . She pulled out a strange device and told me to get on all fours . Suddenly , my bun was being probed first by her gloved hands and then by a tube . Warm water began flowing into my bun for a while and then it was plugged . I was told to stay like this and she left me . Soon , the pain and cramps began hitting me and I started making sounds of anguish . I was led over to the vanity table . She first began putting my hair into the curlers again just like in the salon . They were kept in the curlers and she put a hair net over my head so I could get dressed . I was led back over to the bed where I sat back on the edge . Two cloth diapers were pinned on me with the pinkheaded pins . These cloth diapers were so large ; they spread my legs very far apart . Some plastic rhumba panties were pulled up my legs and pulled over my diapers . These panties were so very girlie . They were white with rows of lace around the butt area . Next I stood up so I could wear my corset . A bright white corset with pink linings was put on me . The corset seemed much smaller as my stomach must have shrunk a little already . I felt so feminine and girlie wearing that corset . Next , two starch white petticoats were put on me . They were very old - fashioned with taffeta in them . The fell just a little above my knees . The bodice was so very tight , as she zipped them up in the back . Next came that beautiful dress we bought . It was white as the snow . The sleeves were very puffy and the bodice was very tight that extenuated my corset figure . It billowed out even more than the other dress . A large collar and a very gigantic bow finished it out . The dress was lined with pink trimmings all along the side . She buttoned up the many buttons in the back and tied the bow . I felt so nice wearing that dress . She rolled up pure white stockings up my skinny legs that went up close to my panties . Next I was wearing very lacy ankle socks and some white Mary Jane 's , with a one - inch heel . I was used to walking in heels , so this was no trouble for me . I was led back over to the vanity table where my curlers were taken off . She took an extra long time brushing my hair . She placed a large white bow in the back of my very blonde , very curly hair . She put on just a little make - up . Some pink lipstick , a little foundation , a little eye shadow was put on me . Next came some small gold earrings . She then put on the gold chained cross around my neck that fell right below my collar . She then put some light pink fingernail polish on my fingers . When the last finger was painted I was finished getting ready . I was led over to a large mirror to look at myself . I looked so pretty , and so young . I did look like a girl receiving her first communion . My mother looked so proud at me as she kissed my cheek . I was beginning to get a little nervous about going into public . My heels clicked louder as we walked the wooden floors of her house . I got a lovely cashmere white coat that was so feminine and girlie . It covered my dress and fell right below my knees . I buttoned it up and put on my pure white purse as we left the house . I sat in the back , as we drove off to church . We were one of the early ones to arrive so we got a seat right in the middle up front . My mother seemed to know everybody , and I was introduced to many people . So many people that I believe I lost count . I met a lot of the elderly which seemed to be what the town was made up of . I also met some young girls and some young boys who looked at me very longingly . One of the boys looked at me very lovingly that it sent shivers up my spine and I peed in my diaper right there . Thankfully , the service began , as the church became very full . I behaved very well in church that morning . It was so nice looking at the very well dressed men and women . Before I knew it , the mass had ended . We were walking out of the church , as we were one of the last to " Well it is nice to finally meet you . I will look forward to seeing you in school on Monday morning . Have a nice morning Mrs . O ' Hara and you too , Rose . " Ladies tomorrow . I know you still wear diapers , young lady . But you still need to attend school . We will need to get you the uniforms today . " We found , Just Me Apparel , a small uniform shop in town . We walked in ; a man was working behind the desk , luckily there was nobody else in the store . The man would give us his fullest attention as we went into the back . He and my mother discussed some things quietly , as I waited patiently . After they were finished , my mother began taking off my clothes as the man went to get some things . He came back with so many items . I was stripped down to my corset , plastic panties , tights and diapers . The man just smiled at me when he saw my diapers . He gave me a white camisole that fit just perfectly . Then he handed me a short - sleeved blouse that had to be buttoned in the back . This was going to be worn during the warmer months . My mommy helped with the blouse . It was the frilliest one in the store with a very large collar . She than had me wear a small petticoat that fell just a little above my knees . Then the jumper that I would be wearing . The school colors were green and white which was the color of the jumper . It just covered my petticoat . The school was embodied in the upper left breast . The jumper fit tightly around my hips when she zipped it up . My mother liked the tight look on me . Next some black Mary Jane 's were put on my feet . They too had one inch heels . The uniform code had to have shoes of at least one inch . Next a little bow was put on my collar on my blouse and another in my hair which was the school colors . I twirled around in my new look . My mother liked the look of my uniform so we got many , as I put back on my dress . We put the packages in the car and left the store . The uniform looked so nice on me and I couldn 't wait for school to start tomorrow . The day was young and very beautiful . The sun was out , and there was not a cloud in the sky . After some delay , we finally did make it to the park . Since it was so nice outside , I did not wear my coat . My mother told me about my new school . She told me about when she went as a little girl . She went into grave detail about the dances they had and her wonderful boyfriends she had . I could only smile and blush . I could not understand what was happening to me . Each day , I would slip more and more into my new role and my resistance was shrinking . I could not stop anything and I could not control these new feelings . It felt so strange to me , but my mother reassured to me that it was natural , as I was becoming a woman . Since it was becoming late in the afternoon , we decided to head home . I wet my diaper twice today and I needed a changing badly . Every time I wet my diaper , I would loose more and more control of bowels . When we got home , we put the packages in my room . My drawers were becoming full of clothes for me to wear . I had a light dinner and prepared for my first day of school tomorrow . My mother gave me a beautiful pink Barbie backpack with all the accessories . Most of my school supplies I would find tomorrow in my desk . I took off my pretty dress for it was getting late for me . I had my diaper changed , and I wore my nightgown again . I brushed my teeth and hopped into bed . My mother tucked me in and kissed me goodnight . " I will wake you up very early to get ready for school tomorrow , sweetheart . Don 't worry your little head off . You will be fine tomorrow . " Soon enough , my mother came and awoke me . My diaper was soaked , as usual , but she did not mind . I put on my slippers , and had my breakfast . After I ate my oatmeal , I went back upstairs to my room . A bath was ready for me and my mother followed me in . She took my clothes and I slid in the tub while she put on her rubber apron . She washed my hair thoroughly along with the rest of my body . I smelled so feminine . In my towel , I was led over to my vanity table . There she curled my hair some more , and put on my hair net . Now it was time for my uniform . She put on me , my two cloth diapers and pinned them on closely to me with the pinkheaded pins . She said she would change me when I would get home from school this afternoon . Next some white plastic panties . These seemed to be different than the others ; they had more rows of lace than I have ever seen . She tightens my corset just a little for the weight that I had lost . Next , I wore a lacy pure white camisole . Next , I put on my blouse that she helped button in the back . The blouse was short sleeved and had ruffles around the large collar and the sleeves . The petticoat came on next . It was very frilly and came just above my knees . I put on my beautiful jumper . The jumper ended a little lower than my petticoats . It was very tight around my corset waist . The sleeves of my blouse could be clearly seen . My Mary Jane 's came on next . They were one inch and very tight . My mother said they made me feet look better . Two green and white bows I wore , one around my collar , the other on top of my now very curly blonde hair . I wore a little make up . She repainted my fingernails and some small diamond earrings were put on my ears . I got my backpack . My mother gave me a small white purse to carry in my hands and I was then ready to go . I sat in the back as my mother drove me off to my new school . We finally got there and I was shocked to see the size . It was a large building that was stone white . It looked very He led me to another part of the building where he said my class was . He got to the door and told me this was my class . I was so nervous going in that I wet my diaper . I walked in and saw a couple of classmates and I saw my teacher . Mrs . Matthews was a very beautiful woman . She had long reddish orange with a lot of freckles on her face . Her skin was an angelic white as she took my hand . I smiled and walked over to my seat . There was a sign on my desk that had my name on it . I sat down in my chair and opened up my desk . I saw many textbooks , some notebooks , pens , pencils and many various school supplies . I looked up and saw a beautiful young girl . She had deep brown eyes and long beautiful brown hair . She had a beautiful smile that she flashed to me . I spoke quietly back to her . We shook hands and began talking before class started . Soon , class began and our class filled up . The first thing I noticed was that no other girl was wearing petticoats and I definitely knew that nobody else was wearing a diaper . I felt so silly being back in 7th grade , but I never did well in school . Maybe I could do better as a girl . I hoped so . Our teacher began discussing the school rules , which were typically school rules . The rules were a little stricter , stressing femininity and corporal punishment . She said many girls have had spankings here , even seniors . She also said that our uniform would change to skirts once we reached the freshman year . She also began discussing our subjects . I was the lunchroom . We ate with the 8th graders who were older , and I did notice that some of them had grown little mounds . Annabelle and I found a table and we had made a quick friendship . I liked her very much and she liked me too . She talked about her strict mother and how much she loved and respected her . I told her about my loving mother . We found that our pasts are very much similar , except that she 's all women . It was hard for me to see myself as boy anymore . Quickly enough , lunch was over , and we went back to class to continue our lessons . At the end of the day , Mrs . Matthews announced that the monthly dance was this Friday . Annabelle and I agreed to go shopping I said my good - bye to Annabelle and went outside . I found my mother waiting for me , and I went over to her . I gave her a big hug ; I missed her so much . I went into the car and we drove home . I told her all about my day . I told her about my friend Annabelle and she said she knew her mother . together . I was so excited that again I peed in my diaper on the ride home . We got back home , and she said that she would meet me in my bedroom . I set my backpack and my purse down against the wall . My mother already had another diaper ready for me . She quickly changed my wet diapers into clean ones . I told her that I was the only one wearing petticoats . I just smiled and listened to her . After I was changed , I was told I could have a snack and watch television . I had some juice and some apple slices when suddenly the phone rang . My mother answered it and told me it was for me . I handed the phone over to my mom and they began talking . They talked for almost the entire afternoon . I ate my dinner that night and I did my homework afterwards . I went to bed that night . On Tuesday , I did the same routine . At school , nobody had noticed my petticoats or my diapers yet . I had so far been very safe . On Wednesday , I woke up and my mother got me dressed . My panties that day was the laciest I have ever seen . They were pink , with row after row of lace covering the entire panties . My mother told me to thank Annabelle 's mother and I promised I would . She also told me to listen to everything she had to say . I told my mom thank you , and went into school . After school was over , I followed Annabelle out of school and she saw her mother . We talked the entire way to the dress shop . Annabelle 's mother told me that my dress was already picked out , but she wanted me to try it on to make sure it fit right . We went inside and immediately went looking at all the lovely dresses . Annabelle looked through all different kinds of dresses , but she became fond of one particularly . She got all the necessary materials that are needed . She found some petticoats , a pair of shoes and some pretty panties . Her mother wanted her to try them before they left the store . She pointed to a back room where both of us could to see my diapers , but I knew she would . I was trapped and getting very scared . I , suddenly , then peed in my diapers as we were hanging up our clothes . Annabelle started taking off her jumper and then her blouse . I was shocked again . I saw she was wearing a corset and petticoats . She told me that everyday in her life she had always worn a corset and petticoats . Her figure was beautiful , thanks to the corset . She was very beautiful , as I stumbled slowly with my jumper . She helped me get my green and white jumper off and then unbuttoned my buttons in the back . She noticed that I was wearing the petticoats and corset . She smiled and I smiled back at her . I took a little longer with my petticoats , but quickly enough she was done and I could see her bright yellow nylon panties . She then began helping me with mine . When my petticoat was off , her mouth dropped and there was an awkward silence between us . She started to giggle at the sight of my plastic panties , and diapers . I suddenly felt like I would cry right there in front of Annabelle . She just smiled and told me that it was okay . I smiled at her and we gave each other a friendly hug . I helped her with her dress first . She found a lovely light blue dress that went to right about her knees . The dress looked very mature for her age . Her petticoats helped with the dress and when I saw her , she looked absolutely beautiful . She looked very mature in her dress . My dress came on next . They had very long petticoats that went a little above my ankles . It was a very light yellow dress . I felt so feminine in the dress as it was very tight against my chest and just expanded in Her mother smiled and said that they were both a great fit . So we changed out of them and she paid for both of them . Annabelle 's mother dropped me off at my house and I got to see my mother . The end of school on Friday finally came and I went home . My mother told me I could rest for a while as the dance started at seven . I ate a very little salad , and some milk for a snack before the dance . I only got a short rest until she told me that it was time to get ready . I was stripped of all my clothes and I took a long bath . I was given another painful enema that cleaned my insides . After my long bath , I was led back to my room where I was put in two cloth diapers . She pinned them tightly and put on soft yellow plastic panties filled with ruffles on the seat . She put , on me , a soft yellow corset that was tighter than any other before . Next came three long petticoats . They zipped up in the back and had ruffles all the way down to the ankles . These were the longest petticoats I have ever seen and they had ruffles all the way down . Next came the dress that covered the petticoats . The dress was so long that it seemed to drag on the floor . The dress was very tight at the top and then expands with the petticoats . She then led me over to the vanity table . It took me a little while to get used to sitting with the petticoats . My mother put on a little makeup , some little gold earrings , a gold chain across my collar and a large yellow bow on my hair along with my very curly blonde hair . She then put on me 4 inch yellow heels that matched my dress . It took me a second to get used to them , but I soon got used to them . She put , on me , some white gloves with yellow lining , and a little yellow purse with some makeup . I was then surprised what she handed to me . She gave me a little yellow parasol to hold with me . She taught me how to use the parasol and I soon got used to it . I then began walking downstairs with my mother . " You look really lovely tonight , honey . I am so proud of how you have been progressing . You soon will become a beautiful young woman . I hope you have fun tonight . Dance your little heart out with as many boys as possible . Do not go any farther then just dancing , if you know what I mean . " She winked at me and I just giggled . As I walked outside , I saw myself in the mirror . I looked like an old southern belle . I just knew that I would be the belle of the ball , well , literally . Annabelle B . is a fan of erotica literature , particularly crossdressing and feminization writings . She currently is an art student seeking a Masters in Illustration . While not working at her store she is enjoying work at her mini studio either writing or drawing . You can contact her at : alicegarden01 @ yahoo . comThank you for visiting her blog ! Questions and suggestions are always welcomed ! View my complete profile " Ooooh , that 's good . You see , that wasn 't so difficult was it ? " James asked . Back and forth , he thrust into the boy 's pussy that was firmly clamped around his thick organ . " You know , Taylor . I 've been missing this for weeks . You 're going to get a damned good seeing - to tonight , he chuckled . Peter 's back suddenly arched and an involuntary orgasm dribbled down onto Mrs Shepherd 's delicate lace panties as his bottom clenched rhythmically on his boss 's penis , which in turn was pumping load after load of thick white sperm into his red hot bottom . - Bossed into Panties 2007 ( Karen Petties ) |
I just finished my final semester of college . I decided to take a road trip of the United States that fall . I packed up all my belongings in my car and just started to drive . I was driving through the South around August , when all of a sudden my car broke down . I packed up my clothes and my important stuff like my computer and decided to hit the road . I didn 't get that far when I saw a large mansion on the top of a hill . It was an old - fashion Southern style mansion covered in white and absolutely beautiful . It stuck out like a sore thumb in the rest of the countryside , so I decided to take a look . The fence did not look all that big so I decided to jump it . I wasn 't a very large man . I was only about 5 ' 6 and weighed about 125 pounds . I still looked like a teenager and it was very hard for me to buy alcohol . The landscape was magnificent as I strolled around the house . It was extremely old fashioned and I was completely taken away . I walked up to the front door looking for anything of value . ( The reason I stopped by in the first place . ) I saw a little statue of a dog and I picked it up and started to walk away . I was almost out of site when I heard a voice say , I couldn 't move another foot until she came towards me . She was dressed to kill . In her tall red heels that seemed to over - power me , the blood red business suit , the perfect makeup , the gold jewelry and the tight hair I was mesmerized . She looked very wealthy and at about the age of my own mother . She took the dog statue out of my hands and yelled at me to get inside . I was about to run for it , but she looked to powerful for me and I I have never been so terrified in my life . The inside was just as , or almost as beautiful as the outside . She directed me to the kitchen and she told me to sit down . I was shaking in my shoes , as she looked me . I immediately shook my head , as I did not want to become somebody 's prisoner bitch . She smiled a little as she hung up the phone . She sat down across the table . We began to talk and I began to tell her of my past . She introduced herself as Mrs . O ' Hara . She also told me that she is widowed and she had a daughter who moved out already . She told me the closest town was about 10 miles around and she pretty much ran the town anyway . She invited me to stay the night since it was already getting late and I agreed since I haven 't slept in a house in months . She led me upstairs and told me to get in the shower while she gets dinner ready . I smiled gently and took a muchneeded shower . My hair was a mess and when it was totally wet , it would fall over my entire face . I got out of the shower and Nobody has figured out my secret and now SHE knew it . I was terrified and put on my pajamas and walked downstairs . I found her at the kitchen table with two plates of food . The meal was delicious and I ate every drop of it . We did not speak a word until the dessert was cleared . She sat down and began to speak . " I first catch you stealing , then I catch you with a dirty magazine . I could turn you over to the cops and you could be in a jail for a long time . But I am not going to do that . I don 't believe in that type of punishment and I will make my own punishment . You will stay here until I say you can leave . This is your new home and if you try to leave I will have the cops on you like a pack of dogs on a threelegged cat . Tomorrow we are going to have some changes to fix your mood . Until then , I wish you goodnight . " She quickly exited and I went to my room . I was completely shocked and had a wave of dread come over me . I was tossing and turning the entire night . I just hope and pray Mrs . O ' Hara is kind to me . I finally woke up the next morning after getting barely any sleep at all . It was extremely difficult to sleep with so much on my mind . I went down stairs and found some hot oatmeal ready for me . I looked around for her , but I could not find her . I decided to dig in on my meal . I was halfway through my meal when I saw Mrs . O ' Hara come walking in . I almost dropped my spoon at the sight of her . She had on a very tight short white dress , white heels , and a beautiful white purse . She said to me , " It 's not polite to stare sweetie . I am going out for some errands ; I will be back tonight . I trust you not to leave because of what I said last night . " I finished my breakfast and went upstairs for a shower and a change . I had the house to myself and decided for a little walk along the place . I went outside and finally took notice at how large the estate really was . It was at least a couple of acres large and I decided to see the extent of it . But as I reached the end of it , I noticed the same fence that went around the estate like a large rectangle . Everything was very symmetrical and very old - fashion . It was like going back in time to the old south or better yet , going on the set of " Gone With the Wind " . I haven 't noticed how the time has suddenly drifted away and it was already nightfall . I came inside to notice Mrs . O ' Hara at the kitchen table . I went inside and she quickly directed me to sit down . I was sweating up a storm because of the southern summer storm and she offered me a glass of lemonade , which I gladly accepted . " Don 't interrupt . I went into town today to run some errands . I did a background check of who you are and noticed that you indeed had no family . So I took the liberty of giving you a family and adopting you . " " No it isn 't sweetie . I have adopted you as my daughter , Rose O ' Hara . This what I said yesterday when I told you that you needed some attitude adjustment . You will always be known as my daughter and you will live accordingly . " I was in complete shock , but I could only simply nod . With all that has happened , I had no other choice , as she has cornered me into a wall and this is my only escape . Her face lit up on fire as she saw my reaction . I quickly walked up the long , spiral staircase as she followed me in hot pursuit . I went down the hall to my old room and walked inside . I was completely shocked at what I saw . My suitcase was gone and so were all of my belongings . The old room was torn apart and it looked like it was having some remolding done . Mrs . O ' Hara just giggled at me as she directed me back down the hall . The first object that caught my eye was the very large four - post , canopy bed . It was dripping with white lace and a mountain of small pillows . I took a closer look around the room . There was a vanity mirror and station in the corner , which was white with pink borders . There was a full - length mirror on the outside of a giant walk - in closet . My mouth nearly hit the floor , or China , when I saw the giant collection of Porcelain dolls hanging right near the bed . Each one looked really expensive and very feminine . I finally saw Mrs . O ' Hara standing outside another door , which she opened and showed me my own " I can see that my pumpkin loves her new room . I have already started a bath for you . Sit in there for twenty minutes and when you are done , dinner will be ready . " I felt like I was in a dream as I took a new glance at my room . I could not believe this place . This was MY room . This was now a 21 year - old boy 's room . I felt like I was 6 or even younger . I slowly took off my sweats and went into the bathroom . The bathroom was even more unbelievable . It had an old fashioned looking tub while everything was covered in marble . This lady was rich beyond her belief . I pondered about that as I slowly went into the tub . The water was hotter than usual . It shocked me at first , but I got used to it after a while . It was very soothing after the couple of days I have been through . I was about to fall asleep when I heard her voice . Her sweet southern voice brought me back to reality . I saw that there was both a shampoo and a conditioner for me to use . I have never used both of them , so I decided to try and impress her a little . I tried to get as clean as I could . I put the soap all over my body . Every inch was covered with soap and it felt very nice . When about twenty minutes came up , I finally arose from my tub . I grabbed the closest towel , which was a very soft and pink towel . I dried myself and was completely amazed at what happened . All of the hair that I had was gone . I used to have a lot of leg hair , but now my very long legs were completely bare . My underarms , my face and even my " special place " were completely hairless . I stared at myself for at least five minutes , not believing this was happening . I stepped out of the room with the towel covering me , looking for my sweats , but they were long gone by now . All I could see was the big , bright pink bathrobe in front of me . I slowly put it on and tied it in font of me . It did feel extremely soft and very warm . I admit that I did like it , even though I looked like a little girl . I put my hair in a small ponytail and walked downstairs . I nodded slowly , with a tiny blush , as I took my seat at the table . She put a large , mouthwatering dinner in front of me and I dug in . After I was full , I had to ask her something . " Tomorrow we will have to work on your dictation and speaking skills . And the answer to your question sugar , is what kind of girl would walk around with hairy legs ? That is not proper . " She grabbed me by elbow like a vice and followed me up to my room . It was a very long and quiet walk to my new room . When we finally did reach the entrance , I was still in shock that this could be my room . She followed behind me and began directing me . I walked into the bathroom and sat down on the toilet . It felt weird sitting on the toilet with my pink robe . My mind could not leave the words she said earlier about tomorrow . What could she have in store for me tomorrow ? What more does she want of me ? I couldn 't contemplate the answers because she was already calling for me . She was standing by the vanity mirror , and I walked up to her . She guided me to sit down and I did . The chair was very strange . It was rather small and with the backing to it , I had to sit very erect . It was very old - fashioned , just like everything else I have seen . I slowly put my hands on the table and spread my fingers apart . My short nails were not something that impressed her . She shook her head and said to me in a softly disguised disgusted tone , " The word , public , hit me like an atom bomb . I couldn 't even comprehend going out in public like I was . I did not speak a word as she painted my fingernails . She began to hum softly as she was painting them . One thing I did notice is that she seemed very happy ever since I became her daughter . It was very nice to see this lonely old woman smile and be so happy . After she finished with my fingernails , she got out a beautiful white brush . She took out my ponytail and she slowly began to brush my hair . The process took much longer compared to when I would comb my own hair . She seemed to put more emphasis on the very tedious process . I could only sit back and listen to her humming which was oddly enough luring me to sleep . " There we go pumpkin . Your hair is very beautiful and you should put more care into it . I will just have to change that . In any case , I can see my little daughter is getting all tuckered out , so let 's get you to bed . " She quickly picked up my nightgown to show me it . It was a soft pink satin nightgown . It looked like it could reach my knees or even further . It had little sleeves and little pink bows around the edge of the neck . There was even a pair of panties to match with an equal amount of ruffles and bows around the edges . I was in disbelief at the garment and for the lack of privacy that I was getting . night to watch you stare at your nightgown , " she said , and quickly pulled the tie of my robe . The robe quickly fell off , and I was completely naked in front of her . I automatically tried to cover myself . But she just laughed and helped me into my nightgown and the panties . It was my very first panties . nightgown seemed very slippery . But in a very odd way , they felt very comfortable against my own body . She tucked me in tightly and sat down next to me . " I am so glad of you today , Rose . You were very cooperative of your new life . I can see that we will be having many good days ahead . Now rest up because you and mommy have a big day ahead . " After some deliberation I finally was able to fall asleep . As quickly as I went to sleep , I felt the sunlight coming against the curtains . I slowly began to open my eyes to Mrs . O ' Hara sitting next to me on the bed . My eyes began to slowly adjust to waking up , and I noticed that it was dawn as the sun began to creep over the land . I also felt a strange sensation near my crotch . I sat up and looked down and noticed that I had wet the bed . A large wet spot formed around my crotch . Miss O ' Hara had noticed the mess and just smiled . I was surprised at her reaction to my mess on the bed . I got out of the bed and went to my clothes . I noticed that same pink fluffy robe that I wore the nigh before . I also noticed some slippers for me to wear . They were a soft pink with about a half - inch heel on them . I put them on and tied the robe tightly against my body . I walked downstairs to breakfast , my slippers clicking all the way . I noticed at the table a bowl of oatmeal and some orange juice . I did not argue and went to eat . Mrs . O ' Hara left the room and went upstairs . After I finished my breakfast , I went upstairs and saw her in my room . I quickly went into the bathroom and disrobed . Another bubble bath was ready for me , and I sunk in . I was still soaking in the bath when the door opened and she came walking in . A broad smile was on her place , She put on a rubber apron that was on the door and she began to wash me thoroughly . I noticed her attire for the day . Her hair was done , professionally , up in a bun on her head . She had on a soft white sundress that was very elegant and showed her nice frame . She did look very stunning to me . Suddenly , she popped my fantasy and told me to get out . She covered my hair in a pink towel , and my body as well . She told me to brush my teeth thoroughly , and when I was finished , to come out to get dressed . I found She first took my hand and led me over to the bed . She took off my towel , and then I was laid back on the bed . I was lying on a diaper . then puts massive amounts of powder on me . I smelt like a little girl because of that powder . She tightly put the two cloth diapers on me with large pink - headed safety pins . She then put on me ruffled , pink plastic panties on me . I was stood up on the floor for the next piece of clothing , which was a soft pink corset . She put it around me and tied it in the back . I could not get it off me without her help and the corset began hurting . I let out a little yelp in pain . But when she was finished , I saw that I had a flat chest , and a small hint of breasts . " You will wear this until you loose some weight , " she told me , as got the rest of my clothing . She put on me two of the whitest , fluffiest , laciest petticoats I have ever seen . I can understand why I am wearing the corset because the petticoats are so tight that they barely fit over my chest . They ended a little below my knees . I never have seen anything so feminine . She zipped them up in the back and got the dress ready for me . It was a very soft pink dress that fit perfectly over my petticoats with a tight bodice , puffy sleeves , and a large pink bow that is tied around me . The dress I had to admit was very beautiful . There were buttons on the back , so I could not get it off without her help . She then led me over to the vanity mirror and I sat down . The petticoats and dress fluffed out , and when I straightened them out , they still fell very far . She took off my towel and began to brush my hair . She took extra time with my hair as she brushed it for a very long time . After she brushed my hair out , she took out a large soft white and pink bonnet . It had ruffles along it , and a large tie that she tied under my chin . It was a very feminine and babyish item as well as very classy . She then put a gold cross around my neck that fell right below my collar . She then rolled up bright white tights up both of my legs . She next put ruffled socks and then soft pink Mary Jane 's with a half - inch heel . For the beginning of the morning , I learned how to become a lady . I learned how to sit correctly , making sure my dress and petticoats did not expose anything . I also learned how to walk correctly , which was very different compared to a man . I took shorter steps and how to walk well with my heels . I learned how to talk with a soft feminine tone and I also learned how to interact . Mrs . O ' Hara told me that since I was so young that I wouldn 't be doing much speaking , but I would when I became a teenager . That thought scared me to my bones . Finally , and most importantly , I learned how to curtsy correctly . By the end , I was an expert and could do everything very well . She smiled to me and said , " You have been doing so well this morning sweetie . You 're a natural at deportment . I am so proud of you . I will give you an extra special treat today . " She smiled to me as she went to the closet . Since it was late summer , she gave me a jacket . It was a soft pink that fell a little lower than my dress with large buttons . I put it on and she took me outside to go to do some shopping . She put me in the back seat and buckled my seat belt as she began to drive away from the house . After about 20 minutes on the road , we finally reached a small town . I was nervous at all the people walking up and down Main Street . We reached the end to a small shopping area with a few stores . She parked the car and told me to get out . She took my hand and led me to a small store tucked away in a corner . The store was named " Angela 's Boutique . " We walked in , and a little bell was heard throughout the store . Nobody was inside except for a rather plump woman behind the counter . Mrs . O ' Hara and the woman seemed to know each other and were good friends . The woman told us to look around and if we wanted to try on anything we could . We made sure that we did . The store seemed to specialize in everything she needed for me . After about an hour or longer , we finally were done with numerous packages . We got more shoes , more petticoats , accessories , ruffled panties and a dress for Sunday . It looked like a first communion dress that was very angelic white . I was so ashamed that I would be in that very feminine dress because many people would notice me . We put the packages in the car and went into another store . This store I knew for sure as it was a Beauty Salon . We went inside and hung up our coats . A young lady told us that our appointment was ready and we should go in the back . We went into the back and met yet another woman . She was in her 40 's and was the owner of the shop . The owner , Lisa , was another friend of my mother . She told me that everything was ready , including my medicine . I was shocked to find out that my medicine had been delivered here . I took one shot in the arm and was told that should help with the hair . My mother got some pills for me and then everything was in order . My bonnet was taken off and a bright pink cape was put on me as I was placed on a chair . My mother told me to sit still as Lisa would begin to do some work on me . I was getting very nervous and I couldn 't hold it in anymore so I peed in my diapers right there . shampooed and conditioned by Lisa . She then put some coloring in it and then set it in curlers . The curlers were so small and tight that a tear fell from my eye . After the curling was done , I was put under hair dryer . As my hair was drying , she took off my gloves and began to work on my nails . She put on small false nails on me and painted them a very soft pink to match my attire . Another pain quickly came as both of my ears was pierced and I had very small diamonds in them . A couple minutes later , my hair was finished . I was very thankful because my head felt like it was on fire . Finally , my hair was brushed and then a large pink bow that we bought earlier was place on top of my head . I finally saw that I had soft blonde ringlets , with a little touch of makeup . I looked very much like a little girl . I looked like a teenage girl in baby girl 's attire . Mrs . O ' Hara gushed in emotions . I did admit that I did look beautiful . I was told to curtsy for Lisa , which I did for perfect and we left the store . I didn 't wear the bonnet or gloves to show off my new look . I was happy cause I was starving , as we went into a little French restaurant next door to the salon . We sat in the back , next to a window looking out at the garden . Mother ordered for me and I sat quietly . She talked the entire time , telling me about her past . I learned that her husband had died 10 years ago and that is how she got so wealthy . She never had a child and she knew I would be perfect for her . Lunch came and we began to eat . We both had salads . She had some chicken , while I had little tiny pieces of vegetables . After we ate , we left the restaurant . As we were leaving , I saw a boy looking at me . Not in disgust , but that he was interested . When we left , my mother pinched me and we both giggled . We decided that we had enough this morning , I actually was getting a little tired . My mother noticed , and told me that her baby needs a nap . I smiled as she drove us back home . We put all my new clothes away in my room . My mother helped me take off my clothes . She left on the corset and she changed my diaper . I wore my nightgown again and settled down for a mid - afternoon nap . I awoke to the smell of something cooking . I put on my slippers and robe to go downstairs . I saw my mother finishing up for dinner . I had some soup and a tall glass of milk . The soup made my tummy feel all warm inside . After dinner , I learned a few minor things about my mannerisms . Later that evening , I mastered everything so far . I was beginning to learn how to sew , when my mother told me it was bedtime . I went upstairs and brushed my teeth . My mother brushed my hair some more that evening before I went to bed . She tucked me in , and I was surprisingly tired , considering the nap . She sat down next to me and talked to me sweetly . you , dearie . You performed excellent at your new status . I have no doubts that you will become my beautiful daughter . I will wake you up early for church tomorrow . You will look your best , tomorrow , in your pretty new dress . After church , we 'll go for a walk in the park . How about that ? " I smiled to her . She kissed me on the forehead and left the room . I fell asleep much quicker that evening , being more comfortable in my new life . Suddenly , morning came , and Mrs . O ' Hara awaked me . The sun was bright and shining through my curtains into my bedroom . I slowly awoke to my mother 's smiling face . I also smelled something horrible in the room . I looked down and saw my diaper was soggy and wet . I had messed and peed in my diaper . My mother just smiled at me . She looked beautiful in her Sunday clothes . A beautiful dark blue skirt suit that showed off her beautiful legs . Her hair , makeup , and nails were done to perfection . She looked radiant as I rose . I quickly went downstairs and ate breakfast . I came back upstairs to get dressed for today . I slowly went into the bathroom and took my clothes off . I sunk into the warm bubble bath . The scent from the bath filled the air . She came in , quickly , and put on her rubber apron . She washed and conditioned my head thoroughly and then she did the same to my body . I began to notice how there was no stubble anywhere on my body . The water was drained and I was told to stay in the tub . She pulled out a strange device and told me to get on all fours . Suddenly , my bun was being probed first by her gloved hands and then by a tube . Warm water began flowing into my bun for a while and then it was plugged . I was told to stay like this and she left me . Soon , the pain and cramps began hitting me and I started making sounds of anguish . I was led over to the vanity table . She first began putting my hair into the curlers again just like in the salon . They were kept in the curlers and she put a hair net over my head so I could get dressed . I was led back over to the bed where I sat back on the edge . Two cloth diapers were pinned on me with the pinkheaded pins . These cloth diapers were so large ; they spread my legs very far apart . Some plastic rhumba panties were pulled up my legs and pulled over my diapers . These panties were so very girlie . They were white with rows of lace around the butt area . Next I stood up so I could wear my corset . A bright white corset with pink linings was put on me . The corset seemed much smaller as my stomach must have shrunk a little already . I felt so feminine and girlie wearing that corset . Next , two starch white petticoats were put on me . They were very old - fashioned with taffeta in them . The fell just a little above my knees . The bodice was so very tight , as she zipped them up in the back . Next came that beautiful dress we bought . It was white as the snow . The sleeves were very puffy and the bodice was very tight that extenuated my corset figure . It billowed out even more than the other dress . A large collar and a very gigantic bow finished it out . The dress was lined with pink trimmings all along the side . She buttoned up the many buttons in the back and tied the bow . I felt so nice wearing that dress . She rolled up pure white stockings up my skinny legs that went up close to my panties . Next I was wearing very lacy ankle socks and some white Mary Jane 's , with a one - inch heel . I was used to walking in heels , so this was no trouble for me . I was led back over to the vanity table where my curlers were taken off . She took an extra long time brushing my hair . She placed a large white bow in the back of my very blonde , very curly hair . She put on just a little make - up . Some pink lipstick , a little foundation , a little eye shadow was put on me . Next came some small gold earrings . She then put on the gold chained cross around my neck that fell right below my collar . She then put some light pink fingernail polish on my fingers . When the last finger was painted I was finished getting ready . I was led over to a large mirror to look at myself . I looked so pretty , and so young . I did look like a girl receiving her first communion . My mother looked so proud at me as she kissed my cheek . I was beginning to get a little nervous about going into public . My heels clicked louder as we walked the wooden floors of her house . I got a lovely cashmere white coat that was so feminine and girlie . It covered my dress and fell right below my knees . I buttoned it up and put on my pure white purse as we left the house . I sat in the back , as we drove off to church . We were one of the early ones to arrive so we got a seat right in the middle up front . My mother seemed to know everybody , and I was introduced to many people . So many people that I believe I lost count . I met a lot of the elderly which seemed to be what the town was made up of . I also met some young girls and some young boys who looked at me very longingly . One of the boys looked at me very lovingly that it sent shivers up my spine and I peed in my diaper right there . Thankfully , the service began , as the church became very full . I behaved very well in church that morning . It was so nice looking at the very well dressed men and women . Before I knew it , the mass had ended . We were walking out of the church , as we were one of the last to " Well it is nice to finally meet you . I will look forward to seeing you in school on Monday morning . Have a nice morning Mrs . O ' Hara and you too , Rose . " Ladies tomorrow . I know you still wear diapers , young lady . But you still need to attend school . We will need to get you the uniforms today . " We found , Just Me Apparel , a small uniform shop in town . We walked in ; a man was working behind the desk , luckily there was nobody else in the store . The man would give us his fullest attention as we went into the back . He and my mother discussed some things quietly , as I waited patiently . After they were finished , my mother began taking off my clothes as the man went to get some things . He came back with so many items . I was stripped down to my corset , plastic panties , tights and diapers . The man just smiled at me when he saw my diapers . He gave me a white camisole that fit just perfectly . Then he handed me a short - sleeved blouse that had to be buttoned in the back . This was going to be worn during the warmer months . My mommy helped with the blouse . It was the frilliest one in the store with a very large collar . She than had me wear a small petticoat that fell just a little above my knees . Then the jumper that I would be wearing . The school colors were green and white which was the color of the jumper . It just covered my petticoat . The school was embodied in the upper left breast . The jumper fit tightly around my hips when she zipped it up . My mother liked the tight look on me . Next some black Mary Jane 's were put on my feet . They too had one inch heels . The uniform code had to have shoes of at least one inch . Next a little bow was put on my collar on my blouse and another in my hair which was the school colors . I twirled around in my new look . My mother liked the look of my uniform so we got many , as I put back on my dress . We put the packages in the car and left the store . The uniform looked so nice on me and I couldn 't wait for school to start tomorrow . The day was young and very beautiful . The sun was out , and there was not a cloud in the sky . After some delay , we finally did make it to the park . Since it was so nice outside , I did not wear my coat . My mother told me about my new school . She told me about when she went as a little girl . She went into grave detail about the dances they had and her wonderful boyfriends she had . I could only smile and blush . I could not understand what was happening to me . Each day , I would slip more and more into my new role and my resistance was shrinking . I could not stop anything and I could not control these new feelings . It felt so strange to me , but my mother reassured to me that it was natural , as I was becoming a woman . Since it was becoming late in the afternoon , we decided to head home . I wet my diaper twice today and I needed a changing badly . Every time I wet my diaper , I would loose more and more control of bowels . When we got home , we put the packages in my room . My drawers were becoming full of clothes for me to wear . I had a light dinner and prepared for my first day of school tomorrow . My mother gave me a beautiful pink Barbie backpack with all the accessories . Most of my school supplies I would find tomorrow in my desk . I took off my pretty dress for it was getting late for me . I had my diaper changed , and I wore my nightgown again . I brushed my teeth and hopped into bed . My mother tucked me in and kissed me goodnight . " I will wake you up very early to get ready for school tomorrow , sweetheart . Don 't worry your little head off . You will be fine tomorrow . " Soon enough , my mother came and awoke me . My diaper was soaked , as usual , but she did not mind . I put on my slippers , and had my breakfast . After I ate my oatmeal , I went back upstairs to my room . A bath was ready for me and my mother followed me in . She took my clothes and I slid in the tub while she put on her rubber apron . She washed my hair thoroughly along with the rest of my body . I smelled so feminine . In my towel , I was led over to my vanity table . There she curled my hair some more , and put on my hair net . Now it was time for my uniform . She put on me , my two cloth diapers and pinned them on closely to me with the pinkheaded pins . She said she would change me when I would get home from school this afternoon . Next some white plastic panties . These seemed to be different than the others ; they had more rows of lace than I have ever seen . She tightens my corset just a little for the weight that I had lost . Next , I wore a lacy pure white camisole . Next , I put on my blouse that she helped button in the back . The blouse was short sleeved and had ruffles around the large collar and the sleeves . The petticoat came on next . It was very frilly and came just above my knees . I put on my beautiful jumper . The jumper ended a little lower than my petticoats . It was very tight around my corset waist . The sleeves of my blouse could be clearly seen . My Mary Jane 's came on next . They were one inch and very tight . My mother said they made me feet look better . Two green and white bows I wore , one around my collar , the other on top of my now very curly blonde hair . I wore a little make up . She repainted my fingernails and some small diamond earrings were put on my ears . I got my backpack . My mother gave me a small white purse to carry in my hands and I was then ready to go . I sat in the back as my mother drove me off to my new school . We finally got there and I was shocked to see the size . It was a large building that was stone white . It looked very He led me to another part of the building where he said my class was . He got to the door and told me this was my class . I was so nervous going in that I wet my diaper . I walked in and saw a couple of classmates and I saw my teacher . Mrs . Matthews was a very beautiful woman . She had long reddish orange with a lot of freckles on her face . Her skin was an angelic white as she took my hand . I smiled and walked over to my seat . There was a sign on my desk that had my name on it . I sat down in my chair and opened up my desk . I saw many textbooks , some notebooks , pens , pencils and many various school supplies . I looked up and saw a beautiful young girl . She had deep brown eyes and long beautiful brown hair . She had a beautiful smile that she flashed to me . I spoke quietly back to her . We shook hands and began talking before class started . Soon , class began and our class filled up . The first thing I noticed was that no other girl was wearing petticoats and I definitely knew that nobody else was wearing a diaper . I felt so silly being back in 7th grade , but I never did well in school . Maybe I could do better as a girl . I hoped so . Our teacher began discussing the school rules , which were typically school rules . The rules were a little stricter , stressing femininity and corporal punishment . She said many girls have had spankings here , even seniors . She also said that our uniform would change to skirts once we reached the freshman year . She also began discussing our subjects . I was the lunchroom . We ate with the 8th graders who were older , and I did notice that some of them had grown little mounds . Annabelle and I found a table and we had made a quick friendship . I liked her very much and she liked me too . She talked about her strict mother and how much she loved and respected her . I told her about my loving mother . We found that our pasts are very much similar , except that she 's all women . It was hard for me to see myself as boy anymore . Quickly enough , lunch was over , and we went back to class to continue our lessons . At the end of the day , Mrs . Matthews announced that the monthly dance was this Friday . Annabelle and I agreed to go shopping I said my good - bye to Annabelle and went outside . I found my mother waiting for me , and I went over to her . I gave her a big hug ; I missed her so much . I went into the car and we drove home . I told her all about my day . I told her about my friend Annabelle and she said she knew her mother . together . I was so excited that again I peed in my diaper on the ride home . We got back home , and she said that she would meet me in my bedroom . I set my backpack and my purse down against the wall . My mother already had another diaper ready for me . She quickly changed my wet diapers into clean ones . I told her that I was the only one wearing petticoats . I just smiled and listened to her . After I was changed , I was told I could have a snack and watch television . I had some juice and some apple slices when suddenly the phone rang . My mother answered it and told me it was for me . I handed the phone over to my mom and they began talking . They talked for almost the entire afternoon . I ate my dinner that night and I did my homework afterwards . I went to bed that night . On Tuesday , I did the same routine . At school , nobody had noticed my petticoats or my diapers yet . I had so far been very safe . On Wednesday , I woke up and my mother got me dressed . My panties that day was the laciest I have ever seen . They were pink , with row after row of lace covering the entire panties . My mother told me to thank Annabelle 's mother and I promised I would . She also told me to listen to everything she had to say . I told my mom thank you , and went into school . After school was over , I followed Annabelle out of school and she saw her mother . We talked the entire way to the dress shop . Annabelle 's mother told me that my dress was already picked out , but she wanted me to try it on to make sure it fit right . We went inside and immediately went looking at all the lovely dresses . Annabelle looked through all different kinds of dresses , but she became fond of one particularly . She got all the necessary materials that are needed . She found some petticoats , a pair of shoes and some pretty panties . Her mother wanted her to try them before they left the store . She pointed to a back room where both of us could to see my diapers , but I knew she would . I was trapped and getting very scared . I , suddenly , then peed in my diapers as we were hanging up our clothes . Annabelle started taking off her jumper and then her blouse . I was shocked again . I saw she was wearing a corset and petticoats . She told me that everyday in her life she had always worn a corset and petticoats . Her figure was beautiful , thanks to the corset . She was very beautiful , as I stumbled slowly with my jumper . She helped me get my green and white jumper off and then unbuttoned my buttons in the back . She noticed that I was wearing the petticoats and corset . She smiled and I smiled back at her . I took a little longer with my petticoats , but quickly enough she was done and I could see her bright yellow nylon panties . She then began helping me with mine . When my petticoat was off , her mouth dropped and there was an awkward silence between us . She started to giggle at the sight of my plastic panties , and diapers . I suddenly felt like I would cry right there in front of Annabelle . She just smiled and told me that it was okay . I smiled at her and we gave each other a friendly hug . I helped her with her dress first . She found a lovely light blue dress that went to right about her knees . The dress looked very mature for her age . Her petticoats helped with the dress and when I saw her , she looked absolutely beautiful . She looked very mature in her dress . My dress came on next . They had very long petticoats that went a little above my ankles . It was a very light yellow dress . I felt so feminine in the dress as it was very tight against my chest and just expanded in Her mother smiled and said that they were both a great fit . So we changed out of them and she paid for both of them . Annabelle 's mother dropped me off at my house and I got to see my mother . The end of school on Friday finally came and I went home . My mother told me I could rest for a while as the dance started at seven . I ate a very little salad , and some milk for a snack before the dance . I only got a short rest until she told me that it was time to get ready . I was stripped of all my clothes and I took a long bath . I was given another painful enema that cleaned my insides . After my long bath , I was led back to my room where I was put in two cloth diapers . She pinned them tightly and put on soft yellow plastic panties filled with ruffles on the seat . She put , on me , a soft yellow corset that was tighter than any other before . Next came three long petticoats . They zipped up in the back and had ruffles all the way down to the ankles . These were the longest petticoats I have ever seen and they had ruffles all the way down . Next came the dress that covered the petticoats . The dress was so long that it seemed to drag on the floor . The dress was very tight at the top and then expands with the petticoats . She then led me over to the vanity table . It took me a little while to get used to sitting with the petticoats . My mother put on a little makeup , some little gold earrings , a gold chain across my collar and a large yellow bow on my hair along with my very curly blonde hair . She then put on me 4 inch yellow heels that matched my dress . It took me a second to get used to them , but I soon got used to them . She put , on me , some white gloves with yellow lining , and a little yellow purse with some makeup . I was then surprised what she handed to me . She gave me a little yellow parasol to hold with me . She taught me how to use the parasol and I soon got used to it . I then began walking downstairs with my mother . " You look really lovely tonight , honey . I am so proud of how you have been progressing . You soon will become a beautiful young woman . I hope you have fun tonight . Dance your little heart out with as many boys as possible . Do not go any farther then just dancing , if you know what I mean . " She winked at me and I just giggled . As I walked outside , I saw myself in the mirror . I looked like an old southern belle . I just knew that I would be the belle of the ball , well , literally . Annabelle B . is a fan of erotica literature , particularly crossdressing and feminization writings . She currently is an art student seeking a Masters in Illustration . While not working at her store she is enjoying work at her mini studio either writing or drawing . You can contact her at : alicegarden01 @ yahoo . comThank you for visiting her blog ! Questions and suggestions are always welcomed ! View my complete profile " Ooooh , that 's good . You see , that wasn 't so difficult was it ? " James asked . Back and forth , he thrust into the boy 's pussy that was firmly clamped around his thick organ . " You know , Taylor . I 've been missing this for weeks . You 're going to get a damned good seeing - to tonight , he chuckled . Peter 's back suddenly arched and an involuntary orgasm dribbled down onto Mrs Shepherd 's delicate lace panties as his bottom clenched rhythmically on his boss 's penis , which in turn was pumping load after load of thick white sperm into his red hot bottom . - Bossed into Panties 2007 ( Karen Petties ) |
I came home from the hospital with my newest little boy , somewhat ready to take on the world as a mom of two . I was feeling much better than I did after W 's birth . But of course , there had to be something that humbled me . With Walter , he cried and turned a horrible shade of red . This sounds jokingly easy in retrospect . I had thought I was a baby guru . I had babysat and nannied for babies 3mo + since I was 12 ( so for about 16 years ) . I thought I knew what I was doing . But oh how I cried when he cried , because newborns are way tinier than babies that have had three months of growing under their belts . And let 's give a little credit to raging post - partum hormones too . He shivered and shook almost constantly starting ( of course ) as soon as we got home . He had done it a few times in the hospital , and I had asked the pediatrician about it . I didn 't trust that the ped commented on what I was talking about though , because he said , " Oh it 's OK , the baby calms down when you soothe him and the shaking stops . " But this wasn 't shaking related to crying . This was awake , asleep , happy , upset , constant little tremors . And babies that little don 't shiver from cold temperatures . I was resolved , after wasting so much of my sleep time when Walter was a newborn , not to lose myself in Google researching everything bad that can happen to a baby . But I had to find out what it was ! Did we need to go back to the hospital ? What was going on ? And Google pretty much said it could either be a ) pee shakes , b ) nothing , or c ) horrible , irreversible neurological problems . I don 't think I cried ( yet ) , but inside I was full of fear . After a few hours of this and talking over our options with Dave , I took my baby into his nursery and sat in the glider in the low sunlight of the winter afternoon . I held him and I rocked him and I spoke to him and for the first time ever , I said , " Dear God , please take care of this boy . Whatever is going on I give it to you . He is your boy that you have given to me to take care of , and I love him . Please keep him safe . " Turns out he stopped his shivering almost as soon as my milk came in , so we think it was low blood sugar . But sitting there with him was a life changing moment for me , when I fully felt the universe hold us in its arms . The universe decided to take care of us at that moment , and I 'm grateful . I have the happiest little baby full of joy and smiles that I could only have ever hoped for . My body has been telling me that I am stressed out . I didn 't think I was , but I went to the dentist recently , thinking I had my first cavity in about a decade , or possibly more , as several of my teeth were hurting . My dear dentist tried very hard to find a cavity but concluded that my teeth couldn 't look better ( thank goodness ) . He then used a device to make them very cold ( which was a super fun sensation ) , and determined that my nerves were upset , probably from stress , extra grinding , and lack of sleep due to the new baby . My bite has always been an issue because of my TMJ problems , so he adjusted one tooth and sent me on my way . I had to agree with him , thinking about how my jaw has been hurting more than normal , causing me to wear my nightly retainer occasionally during the day . I was under the impression that I was getting great sleep . After the first couple mind - numbing weeks of trying to sleep while holding a baby ( because sweet Rex wouldn 't sleep if he was put down ) , we have been slowly figuring out a system . This system evolved to what we do today , which is swaddle him tight and put him down around 11pm . He sleeps about 5 - 6 hours , I feed him once , put him back down , and he sleeps for another 4 - 5 hours . This is what I would call " winning " . But as both he and my husband can be somewhat noisy sleepers , and I am a light sleeper , and the baby is still in our room , I have taken to finishing out the night on our deliciously soft guest bed in the purple room , guaranteeing me a couple more hours in the wonderful land of nod . I was trying to call 911 because a girl was choking . A firefighter was helping her , but 911 thought I was making a prank call , so they hung up on me . The girl died and the firefighter threw her roughly onto the floor . After a moment she got up again ( but was still dead ) and chased me around the room . I was at my childhood home hosting book club . I was trying to cook something and I couldn 't control the flames on the gas stove , so they rose too high and burned the cabinets . A small panda was apparently on top of the cabinets , getting burned as well . I handed him to a friend and his singed hair came off in clumps as I tried to clean him up . I was hosting my birthday party at a new house I purchased with an awesome basement . My realtor was there and he built a human sized sling shot which he wanted to use to catapult the baby across the room . Everyone was drunk and I was mostly sober , and when I went to the fridge to grab a beer , mine were gone , having been drunk by other people . Walter had his first soccer match . Instead of attending , Dave and I dropped him off and went out to dinner ( maybe book club ) with our friends . We got the timing wrong , and I realized not only had we missed his entire match , but we were ten minutes late to go pick him up . Dave argued with me , saying we had more time to go get him , but I left anyway and tried running there , which I was having a hard time doing and at one point my wedding ring caught on something in my hurry and part of it ripped off . When I realized it was too far away to get there by foot , I tried calling an Uber , but I couldn 't use my phone correctly or get my credit card number entered or sign up again or all the things I needed to do to get to my son . I was trying to find my new coat to leave a very large school ( everyone else had their coats but someone told me mine had been destroyed ) , and I realized I was dreaming . Once I realized I was dreaming , people started looking very crazy and I wanted to wake up , but I couldn 't figure out how to wake up . I realized if I could find my way out of the school into the parking lot , I might wake up in real life too - and that 's exactly what happened ! I was in class and knew I had to take three different tests . Afterwards I was supposed to go directly to the symphony , but I realized I had worn my pajamas to class and milk was leaking all over my shirt . I didn 't have my car with me , so I figured I could Uber back home and make it back in town just in time to make it to the symphony . I tried to get the baby in the car seat , but the car seat was flopping around and I couldn 't figure it out . So I found another car seat that worked , but this time when I looked down the baby didn 't have any arms . Bypassing that issue , I wondered whether I should grab Walter from his class to take him home with me , but I couldn 't find the Kindergarten classroom , and none of the teachers I asked in the hallway could tell me where it was either . Tuesday after lunch and my six week postpartum appointment , I wasn 't sure why I had agreed to go do this . It was looking like rain , and we had just gotten back from Ohio , plus the baby had basically been crying since we got home . We figured he was either going through a growth spurt or thoroughly expressing himself after being in a car seat for four days straight . However , I had made a commitment , so I got the boys in the car yet again and trekked into town . We made it to their office in Old Fourth Ward only five minutes late . When I approached the door a very nice woman came out and told me filming was running late . I could only go in if we would be absolutely silent . With a four year old and a new kiddo I knew that would be impossible , so we went back to the car to wait . Walter played on his Leap Pad , and I nursed baby Rex . Soon they were done , and we headed back in to wait some more . Turns out they just wanted newborns on call , to work as possible stunt doubles for the model and her newborn who were really doing all the shots . At this point I was genuinely wondering why I had bothered to leave my house , but I decided to wait it out so that I could get the free $ 75 baby - wearing shirt they had promised . Two other new moms were there . One was a first time mom with a 5 week old boy . She and her husband own The Big Fake Wedding , which was really interesting to hear about , especially since I love all things wedding . The other mom had a 5 day old boy , one of a set of twins , the other still in NICU at North Fulton , even though he was ready to come home . I was super impressed that she was there . She had brought her husband as well , and they also had a two year old girl at home . It didn 't take long for all of us to start talking , and it was a great , albeit brief , new mommy support group . It made the whole trip worth it . Right when we were about to leave to avoid rush hour traffic , they asked if anyone could spare their baby for a few . Rex was just finished nursing and happy . The other boys were either nursing or sleeping , so Rex went to makeup … just kidding . I put him in a white onesie , and he got to be the baby model in a video showing how to get a baby in and out of the shirt . When he started fussing after a couple of takes , it was time for us to go . We were parked in the neighboring church parking lot . The car next to us had its windows open and the three occupants were in there drinking beer and smoking some wacky tobacky . I had to ask them to shut their windows before we got close to the car because the smoke was billowing out around my car , which they did of course . Walter didn 't mention it if he smelled anything funky ! We left Wednesday night around 9pm . I tried to sleep , as the boys , our most precious cargo , were both asleep , but somehow the back of an RV in the dark feels like a plane about to take off . And I don 't really like planes that much , so every time I was about to drift away , I would suddenly wake up fearful we were going to crash into something or drive off the road . One of Dave 's best friends , a former Marine like himself , was getting married . We 've been friends with the couple for a long time , so we knew we wanted to all attend , especially since Dave was asked to be a groomsman and W was asked to be the ring bearer . And there was no way I wanted to leave young Rex with grandparents for the weekend . After Rex 's birth I became unsure if I would attend , and this uncertainty stayed with me until I got into the RV to leave . I was even texting Jason , who was staying at our house with the animals , thirty minutes into the trip that I was insane and I should have stayed at home . I won 't lie , it was rough . It was a long trip for an already tired woman , but honestly I did it for Dave . He wanted his boys there , and his wife , to be with him as he celebrated this grand event with some of his dearest friends . There were other Marines there with their wives and kids whom we get together with every couple of years . We are scattered across the United States , but these people are very important to us , so we all make the effort to see each other when we can . Wednesday night we stopped at an RV park in Knoxville , TN . We figured the only way we could sanely make the 10 + hour drive was to not have to do it all in one day . We didn 't buy plane tickets because of the expense , for one , and also because we could never be sure who would go , given that Rex 's birth was so close to the wedding . The first night was a bit of a disaster . We got in around midnight and tried as quick as we could to set up the RV for sleeping . Walter woke up and asked questions as we moved stuff around , and I got Rex fed . Then we all settled down for the night 's sleep ( or what was left of it ) … and the heat in the RV didn 't work properly . It was also 34 ° outside . The furnace would turn on briefly , get nowhere near the temperature we set the thermostat to , then turn off for good . If we wanted it back on , we 'd have to restart the heat ourselves by getting out of bed and flipping the switch . Walter seemed cuddled in his comforter ( thank goodness I had brought a million blankets ) , but I was super worried about the baby . My face and hair were freezing to the touch . I bundled the baby up ( which made me worry about him sleeping with loose blankets and a hat on in bed ) , and I climbed in with Walter in his twin - I abandoned Dave in the double bed because it was too cold on his side near all the windows . Eventually we just turned the RV on and ran the heater . I was having visions of all of us dying from exhaust fumes when I finally passed out around 3am . Soon enough I woke again because the inside was too hot , and I immediately ripped the blankets off the baby , worried about him overheating , and turned the engine off , worried that we were going to run out of gas . Falling back asleep , this cold / warm cycle continued until we all , rather tiredly , woke up later in the morning . Thursday we drove the rest of the way , and I have to say , I love traveling in an RV . Dave has lots of experience driving large military vehicles , so during the day he seemed very at ease , plus the front seats are more like recliners than regular car seats . Walter got to watch TV , sleep , or draw on his clipboard . Rex slept for the most part . We had food , cold drinks , and a toilet at our convenience , and a comfy and easy place to nurse Rex when we stopped . And best of all , I got to buckle myself in to the couch and rest and read books when I wasn 't tending to other things . That 's the way to do it if you 're going to spend that much time traveling ! After a wonderful meal with the group , I actually asked Dave if we could hurry and go , which is very unlike me . I 'm usually literally the last to leave any type of party , but I was about to fall asleep on my feet . Another night passed uneventfully . I had been very worried about all four of us sleeping together in the same space , but Rex only woke me during the night when he wanted to nurse . Walter , thankfully , is as deep a sleeper as his daddy ! Friday was reception - prep and rehearsal day . We were late to the reception venue to help everyone and drove the RV there ( what else could we do ? ) , and unfortunately a Pyrex dish fell during a turn - around - pothole - miscalculation and shattered all over the tile floor . Consequently we learned where the RV vacuum was and how to use it . Later that evening we piled into our friend 's van , rather awkwardly but gratefully , to get to the church . I sat there nursing while the big boys practiced their roles . Because of my annual Christmas card mailings , I was approached by the best man 's wife , Dina . She said our card was on her fridge , and she loved the book list I put on the back . It was nice to make another friend , and we chatted during the rehearsal and sat together during dinner as well . She was a very lovely Jordanian woman who is a performance aviation engineer for GE . I find it very interesting to learn about the different , highly specific engineering jobs out there . Saturday was the big day . It turns out that David had many hours of obligations as a groomsman , so for most of the day I was on my own . This brought out a few tears as I was exhausted and hadn 't made this big a trip so quickly postpartum to be on my own . It was made worse when Walter , after having come to sit with me mid - ceremony when his ring - bearing duties were over , saw Daddy walking down the aisle with a bridesmaid and asked , " Mommy , did Daddy just marry that other woman ! ? ! " I kinda laughed and said " No , honey , he 's only married to me " and Walter replied , " But that was David . " We had several hours to kill in between the ceremony and reception while Daddy took pictures around town with the newlyweds . We played in the RV since we had checked out of the hotel earlier that day . Plans were to leave that night and repeat the driving procedure we had followed on the way up . After watching the first dance , finally in the same room together , Dave bee - lined for us . We ate a delicious dinner - one of the best wedding menus we 've had - drank some tasty beer , took photos in the photo booth , danced ( me with the baby at the breast , Dave holding an almost sleeping Walter , who had run around the dance floor with the other kids all night ) , and left early around 9 : 30pm . I didn 't want to go , but we knew we had to get out of there if we wanted to get to Cincinnati at a decent time . We rolled in around 2am and the blackout shades in the brand new hotel room proved to be very effective . We all slept until 9 : 30am , ate our last breakfast in the RV , and drove home . We even got to enjoy an extra hour and a half of driving time due to Sunday night road construction . Thank you , Georgia . It 's been a bleak day . The weather in Atlanta has been dreary . Many of the people I know are marching in protest of the President who was inaugurated yesterday . This , however , is a story about socks . Really great socks that make me happy every time I look at them . An hour later , while I was busy holding my newborn , the midwife or a nurse pulled off one soaked hospital sock in an effort to help me clean up . She didn 't realize that one half of my lucky sock pair was still inside said hospital sock . I had a brief thought that I could deal with that later , but alas , when I next thought about it , it was missing . Several days later , while at home , an Amazon box arrived at our door . It was a new box of Betsey Johnson socks ( only the coolest socks ever ) , and the designs were even better than the socks I had had before . Some people might want diamonds for a push present , but this thoughtful gift from my husband means I now have seven lucky pairs of socks and a smile on my face whenever I look at my warm toes . All week - longer - I was having " symptoms " of impending labor , but nothing would come of it . I knew from my doula that second babies were like that , so I just decided to be patient . This patience was made easier by the fact that I was terrified to give birth again from pretty much the moment of conception . When I got pregnant with Walter , I knew from the beginning he 'd come early . I had a feeling my entire pregnancy , and I was right . With little Rex , I had no idea when he would come . For all I knew , he could be two weeks late instead of one week early . As it turns out , I cooked him exactly the same amount of time that I cooked Walter : one day shy of precisely nine months . Once the weather reports started coming in that a snow / ice storm would arrive on Friday , David started predicting that that would be the day I would have baby boy # 2 . He knew he 'd have to drive to the hospital in harrowing conditions , and he told everyone that the whole week . On Thursday I met my mother for lunch and to exchange Walter so he could have a night with his Nini . After that I met my friend Sophia for a walk to a coffee shop at the High Museum for a latte . I was hoping a walk would stimulate the baby to come , plus it was a very pretty , but cold , day . Thursday night I had several contractions in the middle of the night , and I thought upon waking that I would have to tell Dave not even to bother going in to work that day . But , I didn 't have any more once I woke up , so I thought it was another no - go day . I lounged around with the kitty , staying warm , and spent some time with the jigsaw puzzle we got for Christmas . Dave luckily had a short day due to the storm , and he went to go pick up Walter from my mom 's . Walter had been sick all night and day , so shortly before they arrived home around 4 : 30pm , I was at the grocery store getting sick - kid supplies . The self - check - out attendant asked me if I was going to have a baby soon , and I said , " Any day ! My due date is in five days ! " I had no idea that in reality he would be out seven hours later . I got home and fed Walter some chicken soup that David made . We sat and watched TV and tended to the sick boy , who after some soup , ginger ale , and Pediasure made a somewhat miraculous recovery . As I sat on the couch with him , I started having really random contractions around 5pm . Every time one came ( and they weren 't bad or long ) I would say , " Dave , there 's another , " and he would look at me with excitement . The way things had been starting and stopping for days just like this , I didn 't believe anything was really going to happen , especially since they were ranging from 6 to 45 minutes apart and lasting for about 30 seconds . I decided to take a bath to see if that would ramp things up or slow things down . My doula said that and a big glass of water would be good to evaluate labor . I had a couple contractions when I first got in the tub , but then nothing for a while . I got out and told Dave I was going to go lie down for a minute to get some rest , around 8pm . Starting then , I had one contraction every ten minutes . Lying on my side , holding my belly , I decided to tell my baby , " You can come now ; we can do this " which I repeated throughout each contraction like a meditation . I was tired of fearing birth and figured I just needed to get it over with . I was also pretty much sleeping in between each contraction . It was a nice 30 minutes . At the end of the third contraction like this , I heard and felt a " POP " inside of my uterus . I thought to myself , " Hm , was that my water breaking ? " . I hoped it was because otherwise that sound would be a bit terrifying . With Walter , my water hadn 't broken until the L & D nurse broke it for me while I was pushing , so I had no idea what it was like . I hurried out of the bed ( well , as fast as I could at 9 months pregnant ) , wondering if water would stream out of me . I felt a little bit come out and went to check it out in the bathroom . Nothing too much happened , but peeing on myself is not one of my pregnancy symptoms , so I called my doula to ask her about it . I was sitting on the bed cross legged , and she said to lay down for ten minutes . If when I sit back up again it drips or flows out , that 's my water . After the call , I stood up to change underwear , and a lot came out . I texted her back and then called Dave into the room to tell him what had happened . He got super excited and finished packing his hospital bag . I hadn 't had another contraction since my water breaking , so I told him he didn 't need to call his mom to set the Walter plan in motion . I wanted labor to truly start because I felt it might slow down if we started any action plans too early . I didn 't want anyone watching me , waiting for another contraction that may or may not come . However , I did call my midwife group to tell them what had happened . They weren 't concerned about me coming in right away because my fluid was clear , but the weather was getting worse outside . I said I 'd come in probably sooner rather than later , since the hospital was 30 minutes away . I didn 't feel too bad yet , but I was thinking the sooner we got the drive out of the way , the better . My contractions took a break while I had made all my calls , but they started again soon after , and were much more intense than before my water had broken . I wasn 't timing them , but to me they seemed to come every couple of minutes and not last very long . Soon enough though , I had one or two with pressure , and I thought to myself , " Oh my ! That happened fast ! " So I called David back to the room and said , " You need to get Walter to bed now , and call your mom to get here . " His dad ended up coming with her , which at first I didn 't want , but it turned out to be a blessing that he was there to stay with Walter , because Mimi came with us to the hospital . By the time we got Walter in bed ( and I sang him two sunshine songs in between my contractions ) , I was really ready to go . Mimi asked if we wanted her to ride with us . At this point , I was a little worried about having the baby in the car , because I was definitely feeling pressure during some contractions , so I said yes . We all climbed in , walking through slippery ice in the carport , around 9 : 30pm . During the drive my contractions kept up . They were short and intense . Mimi would ask me how I was doing or hand me water when I asked for it , and David was busy driving through the slush and sleet . I kept telling him to drive slowly and carefully , because to me he seemed to drive fast and swerve around other slower cars . At one especially long light , both my husband and my MIL wanted to run the red light , but I kept telling them they didn 't need to . We got to the hospital around 10 : 10 and slowly walked in over the ice . David helped me the entire way to L & D registration , which was good cause we stopped a couple times , and I leaned on him during contractions . I signed in and would lean my head on the desk during a contraction . They took me to triage , where , to be honest , the nurse was rather rough and completely unaware of me as an individual person . They did two tests to check to see if my water broke ( because I guess the leaking for an hour and the first test weren 't enough ) , and she actually said to me , " We 'll check to see if your water did break otherwise we 'll send you home to labor some more . " This was spoken to a woman who had just driven 30 minutes in an ice storm and who was , as it turns out , an hour from delivery . I told her there was no way this wasn 't real labor , but I don 't think she heard me . She then strapped me in to monitor the baby 's heartbeat during contractions and had me lie down . When I asked her if I could sit up during the 20 minutes of monitoring , she said no , to which I should have fought harder because lying down during contractions without drugs is awful . I wonder if that might have been why I had back labor later . I would squeeze Dave 's hand super tight trying to get through the pain . This was the only time labor was really bad . She checked my progress and told me I was 3 - 4 centimeters and 70 % effaced , which surprised me . I thought I 'd at least be around 6cm . I 'm pretty sure that because she so roughly checked my dilation that I closed up a bit , which happened to me last time I was in labor ( even though the nurse had been nice about it then ) . But we 'll never know because I never had the chance to get checked again before Rex came out . We went in to the labor room and dealt with the lights . I was also hot at this point so I took off my sweater . I asked for a glass of ice water and was told the nurse would have to get approval from my midwife before I got anything . I said , " No , I need some water now , " and David got me some as soon as he could . We put the back of the bed up so I could try to lean against it during contractions , as my doula had suggested during our meeting the week before , but it wasn 't a position that really worked for me . My doula hadn 't been able to make it to the hospital due to the snow , so when Jan , my OB / GYN MIL , mentioned that she was going to go , I asked her if she would stay . At that point I honestly didn 't really trust the staff at North Fulton , because they seemed to be ignoring me and the true state I was in . I thought the baby was going to come fast , and I wanted someone there I trusted to catch the baby . I trusted my midwife , but she hadn 't shown up yet , and the nurse , Vick , didn 't seem in a hurry to grab her . In fact , she kept asking me intake questions during my contractions , and there was no way I could answer her . At this point I was deep in my contractions , and I heard Dave have to either answer for me or tell her that she would have to ask later . She even continued bustling about the room doing gosh - knows - what , and I wanted to yell at her to leave and give me some privacy . The only thing I can fathom for her attitude is that I wasn 't screaming and crying ; in fact , I barely made any noise at all . One of the only things I said the whole time was " Ugh labor is hard work ! " This labor was very different from my first in that I wanted to be touched by Dave this time . Even just his hand on my shoulder was soothing . Last time I think I felt self - conscious when people touched me . This time I didn 't feel that way at all . I had some serious back pain during my last half hour of contractions before pushing , which Dave and Jan tried to help by massaging , but that made it hurt worse . If they touched my back around the pain , that did help , but I could barely get out any instructions to them . I had no idea how long or close together my contractions were and no one was telling me , even if they were timing them ( I had been told in triage that they were three minutes apart lasting one minute , but Dave said he thought I was making them slow down because of how I was being treated in there ) . The only position I really liked was facing Dave , holding my arms around his neck . I could dangle in between contractions and the gravity and support I felt from him got me through during . I stood up for a little while doing this , but soon that was too much height , so I squatted on the edge of the bed being basically held up by him . He and Jan would say things to me that really helped my mindset . Jan once said , " Don 't fight them , let the contractions do the work , " which I really think helped me move forward . Many times I considered an epidural . I even asked Jan if I should at one point , and her response was " You 're doing great " which annoyed me , but she probably recognized that it wasn 't going to be long until the baby got there . I thought of a few things such as getting in to the shower ( which seemed way too far away ) or sitting on the toilet because I felt the urge to poo . But I knew from my previous labor that that feeling is usually because the baby is getting ready to join you on the outside . And honestly I didn 't want the intensity of sitting like that again . It was when I sat on the toilet with Walter that I felt fear and the labor kinda went out of control ( i . e . the doctor started leading the show instead of me ) . So I just thought to myself , " I 'm going to try to poo here , and if it comes out , if whatever comes out , so be it . I 'm trying to get a baby out of me . " It wasn 't really that long after I was squatting on the bed , holding on to my husband , going with the flow , that I started to bear down . My body totally took over and knew exactly what it was doing . I said , " I think I was pushing on that one " and Jan said , " I saw that " . The nurse came in around then , and Dave tried to tell her I was pushing , but she basically ignored him . Jan then reiterated the sentiment , and the nurse said , " OK , the midwife is coming down . I 'll let her know so that she can come check her . " I believe she left the room at this point , and during my next contraction I really beared down . It was probably one of two or three big pushes I made to get my little boy out . Jan went to the door to tell the nurses to really get in there , and then came back to me to tell me not to push and to breathe through the next contraction . But I think my body listened to her , and I didn 't really have a big urge to push . I certainly , this time , felt the " ring of fire " that everyone describes as the baby sits in the birth canal . I think this brief calmness helped me to go slow and not to tear like I did last time . After that I continued pushing regardless of who was in the room . I knew Jan would be able to catch him if no one else got there in time , but I did sense when a bunch of people rushed in all at once . I was still wearing the " underwear " they give you in triage , which is very stretchy mesh , and the nurses were having an interesting time trying to remove them to catch the baby . I pushed when my body told me to push , and his head came out . I had another brief break , then pushed again and heard the word " shoulders " , so I believe the midwife had to turn him a bit to ease him out , but out he came ! I was still wrapped up in David 's arms , and he later told me that I was pushing my belly against him , and he could literally feel the baby move down inside me with contractions and pushing . Once the baby came out they had me sit back and hold him to me . His cord was short and everything was covered in various bodily fluids , but it was a miraculous feeling to hold another sweet , warm , slippery baby of mine to my stomach . It was less than three hours after my water had broken and about an hour after we arrived at the hospital . This birth was healing in many ways . I 've never felt closer to my husband . I felt like we went through that together and that I couldn 't have done it without him . He literally held me through one of the most profound experiences of my life . And even though my first birth went pretty much as I wanted , I had this lingering fear from the pushing stages . After Rex , I feel only exhilaration when I look back at his birth . Despite the hospital scenery and regulations , I gave birth the way I wanted to . I conquered my fears … even though labor was so short I don 't think I could have done it any other way ( i . e . with medication ) . I have been growing this little one with so much joy inside my heart . It is different though , after secondary infertility and fertility treatments . I think that was why I was so anxious about the birth of this one even from the very beginning . For so many months my body had failed to give me what I wanted , and I don 't think I was truly trusting myself , even after my pregnancy continued to progress smoothly . The first time I got pregnant , it happened after one cycle of trying . This time it took 2 years almost exactly from the date I wrote " We can start trying ! ! ! " on our Google calendar to getting a positive pregnancy test . By the time it finally did happen , we were trying so many things at once , only God knows what did the trick . It takes three months for eggs to develop from follicles ; the egg for baby boy # 2 originated from the month we were doing our anti - inflammatory diet . I was going to acupuncture every two weeks . I had an endometrial biopsy the previous cycle . And , we did a Femara IUI cycle . I think there honestly is a different feeling ( for me ) to getting pregnant in the quiet intimacy with my husband vs the public happenings at an RE 's office . I suppose some people can hide that aspect of their lives , but I needed the support of my friends and family throughout our years of trying . And by the time I was going to an RE 's office several times a week , it 's hard to hide from the " did you take a test today ? " questions - not that I minded . I enjoyed sharing the journey . The book on orgasmic birth really did help my anxiety . While there were things I didn 't like about that particular book ( the author was a bit aggressive , for one ) , it helped me get in tune with the feeling that " all this is natural , just let your body do what comes naturally . " And that 's when I realized I had a block against those type of thoughts because of how this little one came to be . But the truth is , if God , or the universe , hadn 't wanted it to be , it wouldn 't have happened , no matter how many interventions . I know many people who try fertility treatments for years with no success . So I 'm slowly getting back to that assurance I had with Walter that my body knows what it is doing and can handle a birth . Can more than just handle a birth . My goal this time is to push the baby out with a smile on my face , instead of hyperventilating . My goal is to feel the joy coursing through me every moment of his birth , as I have for every moment of his pregnancy … well , since the unbearable nausea ended . It 's amazing to me how negatively I felt , after trying so hard , when I finally got my wish granted . I 'm glad that has passed , and I 'm only looking forward to the things to come , like holding this little one as close as possible for as long as possible , and sharing him with all those who love our little growing family . Before I even got pregnant with Walter , I had studied to be a doula and was really passionate about it . The mothers I nannied for had had unmedicated labors , I was a fan of Ina May Gaskin , so I knew what I wanted for my own birth experience . Despite many people telling me how hard or awful it would be , I knew what I knew , pretty much ignored any nay - sayers , and ended up having the labor with Walter that I wanted . Sure it was hard , sure it was painful , sure it was scary , but I did it . I knew I could , and I did . Thousands ( millions ? ) of people run marathons , and I don 't think any one of them describes that as easy , but they do it for the rush and the sense of accomplishment . Given all that , I don 't really know why , with # 2 , I am mostly filled with fear and anxiety about the birth . I don 't want an epidural or narcotics - and I 'm mad the US does not support gas and air during labor ! But I think it would be terrible to continue to feel this way up until the birth . Our minds play such an important role in how we labor … so I figure I need to study again . To delve into the world of births . First liquor store run . Isn 't there a joke about a pregnant lady and her young kid walking in to a liquor store ? Maybe it isn 't a funny one … First roasted marshmallow . Daddy and I got lucky and he didn 't want his s ' more . He just wanted the graham cracker . It was s ' more for us ! I love all these firsts . Can 't wait for more , and more with # 2 in the pictures too ! Though I just realized , Walter did get to experience a bonfire before . I know they cooked hot dogs , but did they roast marshmallows ? He and his daddy went camping a while ago in Mimi and Pop 's back yard ( before we lived there ) , which resulted in them coming home at midnight to get W to bed . We haven 't tried again so far , but there will be back yard camping at our house sometime soon . And then eventually out in the deeper wild of course . A long time ago I nannied for a family that camped with their 6 month old and two year old . Now they live out West and camp all the time in amazingly beautiful country . Clearly I need to get a move on if we 're going to become expert nature enthusiasts . I just wish there weren 't so many mosquitoes out there too . We 'll have to go somewhere bats also like to live , I suppose . I 've always wanted more than one child , and for two years we waited and wondered and worked to " make " that happen . You never know when the right egg and sperm will meet at the right time and it 'll all work out . It 's so hard when you 're going through it because month after month you never know when the end of the pain will be ( though at first it 's not so painful , it 's just exciting ) . We would say to ourselves , " If only we knew how much time we had to wait , then we could relax about it " and it 's true . The not knowing when or if it 'll ever happen is very difficult to wrap your head around . In retrospect , I wouldn 't have wanted it to be any other way . With Walter , we wanted a baby , and * poof * I got pregnant . I never took anything for granted , but it 's not the same type of appreciation when you have to struggle for something . Not being able to get pregnant when I wanted not only made me more thankful for # 2 but also for every moment with W . I suffered so badly during first trimester that I 'm not sure I would have survived if Walter was any younger . He had to play on his own during the days I couldn 't get out of bed except to feed him . And , because he is older , he really understands what is happening , and that just makes it that much more precious to me that he can share in this joy with us . He was worried about me when I was so sick and that was sweet too . And just because the universe likes to make me laugh with its unique sense of humor , I got everything that I wanted all at once . That might sound like it 's perfect , and it is great , but there is that whole " be careful what you wish for " saying for a reason . We tried to sell our house for two years . While that process is a little more cut and dry than baby - making , trying to do so at the end of a recession and recoup your money can be a little on the tough side . But this time , it worked , and we were able to buy the house we wanted in the right neighborhood for the right price . We moved in a week after I found out I was pregnant , and I was feeling great . Dave even moved all the heavy boxes for me . All our dreams were coming true ! Then , the sickness hit . I sat around in a brand new house ( to us ) feeling worse than I 've ever felt in my life . I felt so bad that I wondered why in the heck I had ever wanted another baby . My brain started changing from " this is my dream house " to " this house and its smells and everything about it makes me sick " . After working very hard to sell our house and immediately buying and moving in to another one , it was unbelievably upsetting and worrisome to Dave to have his wife talking to the realtor about selling . Again . It got so bad I made us stay with my mom for a few weeks , which of course was confusing to W , who had been such a trooper throughout our long move . When Dave would go work on the house , he would send me pictures , and looking at them made me nauseous . I didn 't want to talk about the house or even see highway signs that said " Marietta " . I reinstalled Zillow and was looking at Midtown condos for sale . Our doctor said it was the first time he had heard of this pregnancy side effect . As a friend of mine told me while we were discussing this , I needed to give myself a break and wait it out . Basically in one tiny period of my life I had been dealing with selling , buying , and renovating a house , and infertility , fertility treatments , and first trimester . It was a lot to handle . Thankfully , it passed . We 're on the side of hope and excitement , waiting for little boy to get here and enjoying every kick . We 're doing puzzles on our dining room table and loving our yard and the public library , and it 's all good . It 's still going to take time to adjust and figure out this new area of Atlanta , but hey , that 's what life is . The journey . |
Hey , everyone ! I wrote a new poem , and in the spirit of Christmas , I thought I 'd share . Even though it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas . Hahaha I Live For The Moments I kind of started it at work on Saturday , and continued it while I was taking a shower that night . I really like it . Ha - ha anyways , to all of you who are alone this Christmas , I love you , and I wish I could wrap my arms around you . You are all so precious to me . If I knew you all lived nearby , I would invite you to spend Christmas with me . You are all beautiful , sweet children of Christ , and I hope He grants you many blessings this year . No matter what you are going through , there will always be better days . Whether someone has hurt you emotionally , or physically , you are beautiful , and nothing could ever change that . Place your trust in the one who gave His Son for you . I look forward to meeting you all one day when He comes again . Hello , gems . Happy happy thanksgiving . Not a whole lot to update on since the last post . Haven 't been writing much lately , buy I have discovered a passion for cooking and baking . I 'm so so glad that I got the opportunity to go to tech . I am so blessed . 1 . Poetry . It gives life a little sweet , flowy , special twist . I can 't find the words to describe it . There 's a word that I know would come close , but at the moment , I just can 't remember what it is . That 's my memory for you . 2 . A loving , living God who forgave me of all my sins . He died for my wretched soul , and continues to love me despite all my flaws . He cares for me in my ups and downs , and never in a million years could I hope to have a best friend as wonderful as Him . My God , my heavenly Father is beautiful , and sweet , and lovely , and kind . He had a sense of humor , He is caring , and He never lets me down . He always comes through when I need Him , and I can honestly say that He is the one hero who I will meet one day who I know will not disappoint . 3 . All of you . My faithful followers , and people who read my blog , sliding the happiness I try to impart here . I hope something I say here has our will bless you all in some way . 4 . Trials . This may sound odd . You may wonder if it 's a typo , but it 's not . I am thankful for my trials . They let me know what when God is beside me , even the darkest , gloomiest , most insecure days of my life are filled with at least a small rainbow . 5 . My church youth group . I don 't know what I would do without all of them brightening my weekend . They constantly remind me of God 's grace , because with friends such as these , there had to be a God . 6 . The tech center , and the friends I have there . I love love love those people , and quite honestly , they keep me going though they may not know it . They have imparted so many blessings on me , and I don 't think they realize how much they mean to me . 7 . My siblings . 8 . The ability to read and write . All of you know how much I love writing , and a huge party of that is how much I 've always read . I wish I could just achieve more and more , I can 't get enough of the adrenaline of writing a good scene . I was sitting downstairs , and I took a test about who couldn 't live without me . It was kind of silly , but I just thought to myself , well if I had never existed , would they have ? The wise words of Aslan from Narnia come to mind . Ha - ha " No one is ever told what would have happened . " But . . . I met someone , and he 's the boy version of me , and the phrase " opposites attract " has never been so wrong . If I was alive , and he was not , maybe I wouldn 't even know who he was . But I know this , if I ever lost him , I wouldn 't be able to cope . Now I know , I know . It 's too romantic , awkward , mushy . But I don 't necessarily mean between a couple , but between friends . Between family . I know that for me , just to hear it said reassures me . I am extremely insecure , and hearing someone tell me they love me helps me a lot . People underestimate the power of those three words we say so much . In fact , we say them so much that we think they have lost meaning . But they have not . Those words have come to mean so much from the right people . When I say " from the right people " I mean just that . It is entirely possible that hearing my dad say he loves me is not as comforting as hearing any of my friends say it . When I am upset , or if I think someone is upset with me , I think back to the last time they said that to me . Then , I tell myself , " That person loves me . He / she said so him / herself . " And it reminds me that all it is is a lie . A lie I am being told so I will no longer trust so much in my God . Satan tells me lies as he did Job , so that I will have my faith taken from me , reducing me to a girl who believes herself alone , and unloved . Jewels , we do not say those words enough . It has become such a romantic gesture to say that we are often uncomfortable saying it , but I am here to tell you guys that it should not make you uncomfortable to tell someone you love them . Love is not something that has to be romantic . Love is commitment , and honesty , and joy . 1 Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8 says " 4 Love is patient , love is kind . It does not envy , it does not boast , it is not proud . 5 It does not dishonor others , it is not self - seeking , it is not easily angered , it keeps no record of wrongs . 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth . 7 It always protects , always trusts , always hopes , always perseveres . If you love someone , tell them . You never know if it may be the last time you see them . Everything has a last time . Don 't make last Monday the last time you said " I love you . " . Tell your parents , tell your friends , tell your girlfriend , or boyfriend , tell God you love Him . Hello , Gems . < 3 So there 's this book that I have to read for school , and it 's called The Roar On The Other Side by Suzanne U . Rhodes . It 's basically a poetry book , and it helps you write poetry and get ideas and such . And I . Love . This . Book . Like oh my goodness I love it . Haha you all know how much I love poetry and writing , but this book is just so amazing . For every chapter , there is some different kind of exercise like writing a list of nonsense words etcetera , and I just can 't get over how awesome the book is . Suzanne Rhodes talks about how the Bible uses poetry , and not just in the Psalms , but in all different parts of the bible . She frequently references verses . Oh my gosh ! ! ! ! I am finally done with Sniper ! I can 't believe it ! ! ! ! I don 't have it cut into chapters or anything , so it 's still just 36 straight pages of awesome , Haha Thanks so much to those of you who stuck it out with me ! I am so happy to be done . I think so far , this is the longest story I have finished , and it feels amazing to be able to say that . : D The violin wailed pleasantly in Anabelle 's ear as she toned herself to the music , slowly adding in her own part , a crescendo , and a new tune , dancing playfully with the other instruments . They created a beautiful melody , but she could hear none of it . There may have been other people on the stage , but in her mind , with her eyes shut tight , there was only her . She paused , slowly dying out , and then moments later coming back in . She tossed her hair out of her face . A harp joined the song , and she smiled to herself . This was perfection . A shot rang next to her , ruining her haven of music , and a searing pain roared up her shoulder . Her lips opened in a silent scream . She did not make a sound as she fell to the floor , and the last thing she saw was her mahogany violin falling to the wooden stage , blood splattered on the front , and the white strings yet humming a sad note . When Anabelle woke , she found that the rigid blacks had faded to unpleasant browns and greens . She sat up swiftly , crying out as light - headedness overtook her body . Panic surged through her . Anabelle swung her legs over the edge of the bed on which she lay and slid off the side , nearly falling before a tanned hand pressed her gently back into the blanket . She struggled against him , increasing the pain in her shoulder , but subdued when it came to be too much . The momentum of her surrender sent her falling back onto the cushions , and releasing another wave of affliction . " Sorry . " the man muttered . He began to walk around the room , gathering things ; a bottle here , a rag there , and finally coming to rest at her bedside . He lowered the shoulder of her shirt , exposing her sweaty skin to his eyes . Her first instinct was to bat away his hands , but when he put a needle into her arm , she felt weak and sunk lower into her bed . The dim light allowed her little vision of her captor . She watched silently as he bared her skin , and dabbed a cloth at the accumulating blood . She gritted her teeth . The rag came away red . The man finished his work and bandaged her shoulder well , tightly , but not too tightly . " Rest . " he said , quietly , " You have been shot . " The shock of the sentence he had just said did not penetrate the haze that now engulfed her thoughts . Whatever he had given her , it worked fast . She closed her eyes and did her best to rest , the drugs enhancing her exhaustion , but found that sleeping in a place where you do not know is more than slightly unnerving , and found little rest in the burrow . She looked around as she was unable to move much . She finally found a digital clock . It was 3AM before she fell asleep . Anabelle awoke , the ringing pain again enveloping her , threatening to drag her back down into the recesses of its warm blackness . She did not attempt to sit up , remembering the results of the previous morning . " Who are you ? " She could see the him walking around the room and look up when she addressed him . " You can call me Alex , if that 's what you mean . " He turned back to his tasks without a reply . He came to her bedside moments later , with a syringe . She struggled to move away , but the pain rumbled back into her skull and she gave up . He pressed the needle gently into the bend of her arm , and she heard his voice - now a distant whisper , " Eleven AM . The shooting was four days ago . " Alex set a plate in her lap . She glanced down at it with a sigh . Bread and . . . bread . " That 's crap . " She said . She looked away and felt the plate lift from her lap . Momentarily , another took its place . A heavenly smell wafted into her nose . Anabelle looked up to see him observing her while eating his own breakfast . She scooped more in . After a couple more bites , her stomach protested . Her breakfast spilled over her front , no longer edible . Alex was at her side in moments , collecting it in a bucket , one hand on her back , the other bracing the pail . Once her spasms had resolved , her eyelids fell shut and she looked up into his face . She rolled her eyes . He moved away and washed his hands . She cringed . They would both smell like puke now , she thought with remorse . He caught her eyes on him and nodded his head at her . She breathed heavily once and lifted her eyebrows . " Any chance I could get a shower ? Maybe I could wash my dress , too . I 'd rather not smell like throw - up for however long I 'm going to be here . " Throw your clothes out when you are in . I 'll wash them while you are busy . Soap is on the ledge on the wall . " He left . Anabelle let loose a deep breath and combed her fingers through her scraggly hair . She lifted her dress up and over her head with a cringe , and once unclothed , tossed her garments out the door , and stepped under the spout . A steaming torrent of hot water burned over her body , causing her to smile with pleasure , then gasped when it washed the dried blood from her wound , turning the liquid to a clear red . She glanced over her shoulder . Ten neat stitches lined the bone . Crusted red still stuck , so she rubbed her fingers with soap and , biting her tongue , dug her fingers into the wound , scrubbing it thoroughly with soap . She cried out many times , and her eyes smarted , but finally it was done . She sat down on the wooden panels , letting the solvent flow over her skin and wash away the grime and sweat . An hour later , she emerged , the room full of steam . She wiped the vapor from a shard of broken mirror . Her hair was tangled , and her face was pale . Red scratches clung to her arms and legs . Tears began to fall down her face . A sob emerged . She jumped when someone knocked on the door . Anabelle stepped back behind the door while he laid them on the counter , then shut the door behind him . She looked through the clothes . A man 's shirt , and a pair of men 's jeans . She sighed again . She seemed to have been doing that a lot lately . It was a long time before she put the clothes on , pants rolled up to avoid the drag , and walked out . She threw her arms open . " Well , I 've been here for almost five days , you obviously want something . Why else would I still be here ? I 'm just using up your food . " " Sit . " he said . She pulled a chair from the table behind her , and sat in it , crossing her arms over her chest . " Cut these . " he laid a cutting board in front of her with a knife , and a bundle of herbs . She narrowed her eyes at him , but did as she was told . She began slicing them into thick pieces , and was about to put them into the pot when he stopped her . " No ! You have to cut them smaller ! " He put his arms around her and held her wrists gently , displaying how to cut them smaller . " You slice them closer together , so that they dissolve better when I boil them . It gets more of the flavor into the broth . " She took the knife back , and began to cut them again , smaller this time . He observed her for a time , and then nodded , satisfied , and then went back to his own work . When she had finished , she slid them into the pot , and sat on the stool , looking around with nothing now to do . " No . Poison . You just mix this … " He poured some purple liquid in , " And this , and then you sprinkle this in , and you have poison . " he said , so casually that she wondered if maybe he did have it for dinner . " I 'm kidding . " he whispered , a faint smile emerging . " Yeah , it 's dinner . I don 't think you use beef in poison . " He beckoned her over , and she came to stand beside him . " My grandpa taught me to make this . Beef stew . It has to be my favorite thing to eat . I 'm running out of potatoes , though . James hasn 't come in a while . " He reached around her for a knife , and she nervously moved away . He glanced down at the knife , and understanding filled his eyes . " I 'm not going to hurt you , Anabelle . I wouldn 't have healed you if I were going to . " She nodded once , and pursed her lips . A thought struck her . He wasn 't tying her up , and he hadn 't sedated her at all today . If she could find the door , she could leave if she wanted to . A crease formed on her forehead , and she got up . Anabelle walked through the halls , finding her way into a bedroom , a study , and the shower that she had made use of earlier that day . Finally , she found a little room with a pair of boots , and a long coat , and a brown hat . After taking a few steps farther , she found a door . A screen door . She glanced through it and shoved open the door . When the scenery met her eyes , she dabbed tears away , hoping that her sight was deceiving her . " Ah , there you are . I was wondering where you 'd gone off to . " Alex said . He stood , hands stained purple , in the middle of the kitchen . Anabelle ran from . . . something . She didn 't know what , but she knew there was something behind her . She looked behind her at the black tunnel and tripped . Her knees stung as they struck the cement , and something wet and warm sprayed onto her face . She lifted her hands to her face and her eyes widened . Blood . A sharp pain clenched her spine , and she arched her back . Screams echoed in her ears . Her hands found her mouth , and she found that her own vocal cords released the sound . Anabelle awoke , screaming with sweat dripping down her face , and arms . Alex stood next to her bed , holding her tightly against his chest . " It 's okay , Anabelle . It 's okay . Shhhh . It 's okay . " She gasped her sobs away , gripping the edge of the bed as she erased the memory of her dream . Anabelle bit her lip and nodded slowly . Alex took her hands and examined the cuts - results of her sharp nails . He helped her to sit up , and stepped away momentarily , returning with a wet cloth and some bandages . He gently wiped away the red liquid , but she still winced at the sudden pain . The days she had been there turned into weeks , then months , until Anabelle wondered if she would ever go home . She marked the beginning of every day with her screams and punctuate their conversations by asking him why she was there . He would either ask her to do something for him , or ignore her completely until she began to wonder if she had even asked the question in the first place . And so it went on and on until one night , Anabelle sat up , yet another dream haunting the backs of her eyelids . But this time , it was different . The blood was drowning her . It reached up to grab her like hands as it filled her mouth and nose , stealing her ability to breathe . She screamed at the figure who stood in front of her . A knife plunged down into her again and again . It didn 't hinder her actions , when she surveyed her body , there were no cuts , but every time , she felt undying agony , and her screams increased . She fought free of her torturer 's grasp , twisting the knife from the bloody fingers - cutting her own in the process - and ran . She looked back to where she had knelt ; No one was there . She kept running , the liquid up to her knees , now , growing thicker with every step until she collapsed around a corner . Anabelle plunged the knife deep into him , with a yell as he rounded the bend next to her . He screamed . Deep , and loud , and real . " Anabelle . . . Anabelle , I need you to get me the plant I showed you . Anabelle . . . Anabelle ! " he screamed . She pushed her hands to her ears and pulled her knees to her chest , rocking back and forth . Alex sat on the floor , screaming through his teeth . " Anabelle , get me the herbs ! Hey , listen to me ! You 're dreaming ! " he gasped , " I just . . . need you to get me the medicine ! " " Anabelle , do you hear me ? It 's okay , just . . . just get me the herbs . It will all be okay if you just . . . just . . . just … " his breathing slowed and his eyes fluttered shut . " What - what do I do ? Alex ! " she shook him . " What do I do ? ! You have to tell me ! I don 't know how to help you ! " His eyes pried back open and shut again . Sweat began to form on his forehead and lips as he put forth effort to speak . " The . . . the pestle . . . " he rasped , his head falling from side to side . When Anabelle grabbed his hand , his body convulsed , shaking uncontrollably , his neck snapping every which way . " What ? The pestle ? Is that what you said ? Alex ! " Tears flooded to her eyes , descending down her cheeks . " Alex . . . don 't leave me alone . " she said to him , then again to herself , " I don 't want to be alone . . . " she sobbed , gripping his hand , and leaning her head into his shoulder , until all of a sudden , the door burst open and a man shoved her away from Alex , and tossed aside a paper bag out of which vegetables and green leaves tumbled . " What happened ? ! " the man shouted , searching Alex 's body , and fingering his clothing rapidly . He turned and grabbed her shoulders , shaking her with each word . " Tell me what happened ! " The man grabbed the black plant from her shaking fingers and held it to his nose . He scowled and cast them aside , drawing a syringe from a bag that lay at his side . He filled it with a green liquid . " Damn fool . " he muttered , and he drove it into Alex 's leg pressing the plunger hard as though the harder he pressed , the sooner effect would take . " No . He 's sleeping . But he very well could be dead within the hour if you don 't do what I tell you to do . " he looked back at her as he held his hand to the wound . " I need you to get me a glass of water , a cloth , gauze , a needle , and the bottle of alcohol from my bag . " She retrieved the items for him and he began patting away blood with the cloth which he had dipped in the water . He poured the alcohol over Alex 's leg and Anabelle winced in pity . " He 's okay for now . " the man got up , groaning and gripping his back as he drank the remaining water from the glass . " Now , " he said , gulping it down , " I think you had better tell me exactly what happened . " " Let 's get him into his bed . He can 't stay here on the floor . He needs to be able to breathe better . " The man said , calmly . He hoisted Alex over his shoulder , taking care to make sure Alex 's injured leg did not bang against his hip . Anabelle followed , now feeling rather useless , as the man lay Alex gently on the bed she had been using before it all happened . Her mouth closed , and her old habit of biting her lip returned . She hadn 't realized that was his bed . When Anabelle stood there , unmoving , eyes glued to Alex 's face , the man sighed and moved in front of her , blocking her view of the injured on the bed . " Hey , Alex will be okay , but I need you to get me that water , yeah ? " Anabelle 's distant eyes flicked to the man 's face . He smiled , little crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes . " James . " he told her , " Why don 't you go fetch me that water now ? " Hours later found Anabelle sitting alone by Alex 's bedside . James had left , saying that he would return the following day to check on them . " When you see him sweating , wipe it off with cold water . Make sure it 's cold . Change it when it gets warm again . " he had said . Anabelle found some bread that had been baked the previous morning and munched half - heartedly on it . She laid it aside after a bit , her appetite having nearly disappeared . Her dream seemed glued to her mind , something she could not remove . Every time she blinked , she was drowning again . So she stayed awake . The day passed slowly and uneventfully , as Anabelle tended to her patient , never leaving his side for more than a few minutes for fear he would awaken alone . Her throat dry and sticky , she rose to retrieve a glass of water . When she tried to pull her hand from his , she was hindered . She glanced back to see his fingers tightly gripping hers , and his nearly - shut eyes staring back at her like lines on a paper . Her own tired pupils shot open . She held the cold cloth to his face , and patted the sweat away . Anabelle turned quickly , detaching their hands and ran into the kitchen where she spilled water on the counter in her rush to bring it to him . She slid her palm beneath his head and tipped the lip of the cup into his mouth . He gulped several times and would have continued had she not pulled it away . Alex frowned and grimaced when he sat up . He placed his hand on her cheek . " Hey , it 's alright . You didn 't know what you were doing . " Tears slipped down her face , and he wiped them away with his thumb . " Hey . " he said , a smile in his voice . She looked up at him . " Thanks for taking care of me . " A far - away look came to his face . " Before … " he flung his hand in a semicircle around him . " Before all this , my family was actually really rich . My mom owned Marcks Industries - " " Yes . " he nodded several times before continuing . " So lots of money came in from charity , thanks , and sales . Marcus Blüd , owner of Blüd Enterprise - yes , the medical provider - was very close to my family . He was like a father to me . " One night , I went to him for advice . When I asked the information desk where he was , I was led down to the bottom floor - the floor he had always told me was for top - secret research . " Alex 's eyes grew more and more distant . Anabelle took his hand again , and he grabbed it so tightly his knuckles went white . " There were rows and rows of cells - not like . . . prison cells . They were made of glass . . Each cell held a person . Most were screaming - begging for release . The rest lay limp on the floor . Dead , I assume . " When I found Blüd , he was watching some man in a lab coat stick a little girl with all kinds of needles . She couldn 't have been more than nine . She kept screaming - screaming for her mother , so loudly that they finally sedated her and she slept . " Alex paused , obviously trying to keep his calm . " Finally , Marcus turned and saw me . I asked him what was going on . ' We are . . . researching , Alex . That 's what this company does . We are furthering the knowledge of the human race . ' he said . I told him that if he didn 't shut it down right away , I would tell everyone . I should have left without a word , because he told me that if I told anyone , he would kill me . ' We wouldn 't want your mother to lose the only son she has , would we ? ' he asked . So I kept quiet , went back to my everyday life like a coward . " A year later , we were at his company picnic . He threw one every year . I saw someone tap him on the shoulder and beckon him into a different room . I followed . ' I can 't do this anymore , Marcus , ' the man said , ' It 's wrong . I have my own little girl at home , I can 't keep doing this . ' Blüd told him that he could leave , but if word of the research got out to the public , an assassin would find him , and kill him . " Alex shuddered . " A week later , it was all over the news : Blüd Enterprise had been kidnapping people off the streets and doing experiments on them to research human endurance . Anabelle , the man who told everyone , his name was Simon Lochton . Your father , Anabelle . I helped him get out . I gave him a new identity , and he escaped . " Anabelle drew a sharp breath , and held her hands to her face as large , betrayed tears dripped from her face slowly , and then all at once . " Was an assassin . Andrew Baker ; A psychopath . Blüd was trying to get to your father . Simon took away all that Blüd held dear , so now he wants to do the same to your father . He wants you . But I 've made him angry . He would have given up years ago had I not been there , but instead he wants to kill you more than ever . No one 's ever beaten him before . " " That 's why I brought you here after the shooting . I thought that Blüd had given up on your father a long time ago , but when I saw that he wanted you , I couldn 't let that happen . When I helped your father escape , Blüd killed my sister . James brought me here . " Alex looked up admiringly at their surroundings . " He saved my life , and now I am going to save yours . " he rubbed her back gently . " James brings me supplies , he gives me updates on my mother , and keeps her safe . " he paused . " I brought you here to keep you safe . But Anabelle , Baker doesn 't miss when he wants to kill someone . He wasn 't trying to kill you . He wants to scare you first . " Anabelle wandered into the kitchen to get them both some food and something to drink . When she got to the table , she saw a neatly folded piece of paper . She snatched it up and unfolded it . He gasped and laughed with her . " It 's alright . Now slowly lift my leg , and put the cloth underneath . That 's it . Now dribble some of that alcohol on it . " She did as she was told and he gritted his teeth against the pain . New , fresh blood oozed from the cut . " There . Good . That 's good , see ? The blood means any infection is out of the way . " He ran his fingers through his messy hair , " See , I told you you 'd be good at this . " " Haha yeah , I 'll just go grab one from storage . " he said , sarcasm strung through his tone . A breathy laugh came from his direction . " No , I never really got into instruments . Music , yes , but . . . other peoples ' not my own . You shouldn 't be playing anyway . Not until your shoulder is healed . " Alex continued : " My mother used to play piano , and before he passed , my father would play guitar for their duets . Mom could do anything she set her mind to . " his fond smile vanished . " James says she doesn 't play anymore , though . A result of my sister 's and my absence , no doubt . " Alex shrugged his shoulders . " I don 't know where we are . I had James bring me here . Whenever I go back to the city , I have him blindfold me . " I told my mother I was in some trouble and I had to leave , and that was that . James brought me here , and I 've lived here ever since . I only ever went back to watch you perform " " Of course ! I had to keep you safe . Your father 's bravery saved hundreds , but after he left Blüd Enterprise , he didn 't have the money to keep you safe . So I did it for him . " Anabelle gasped . " How many nights were you there and I didn 't even know it … ? " She frowned . " Has Blüd tried to get me before now ? " " Five , but the third time , James took all the heat . I had the flu , and he wouldn 't let me help . I convinced him to let me see you play , but when I tried to protect you , he threatened to tie me up back on the boat . " " All those times . " she whispered . Her lip was going to split if she kept gnawing on it like this . She swept a hand across her face . " Why ? " Alex looked at her for a long time before answering . " Anabelle , what Simon did . . . he had the courage to do what I could not . What I was too scared to do . If I had told everyone , I would have had the money to protect myself from Blüd . " Admiration shone on Alex 's face . " But your father . . . with nothing to speak of but a cheap house and a ten year old daughter . . . he did it anyway , and there is " he paused , taking a breath , " no describing how much I admire that . How much I regret not telling . " he slid his hand onto her cheek . " So . . . since there was no way for me to protect your father - he insisted on living a normal life - I had to protect the thing that meant to most to him and make it mean the most to me . " Alex paused , memory in his eyes , and then , almost as if he were thinking out loud , he said " I hadn 't expected you to be so beautiful , though . I have been watching you for years , but I never thought you would be this gorgeous up close . " a blush lit up his face , as he tried to take back his words as he did his hand . He shook his head , scattering the thought that had come from his lips moments ago . He cleared away Anabelle 's sudden tears with his thumb . " otherwise . . . my conscience would tear me up . " He withdrew his hand from her face . " Maybe . But in my mind , I can never truly repay your father . " he took her hand and rubbed her knuckles , studying them . " Besides … " he said , looking up at her eyes , " I kind of like having you here . So you may be stuck with me . Maybe I 'll never let you go . " Alex smiled a bit . " James has been watching your father . He 's worried , but he 's fine . Baker tried to get to him the other day , but James sent him running . " " I 'm sure something just fell like a pot or something . I 'll go see what it is . " she rose to leave , and felt Alex 's fingers close around her wrist . She looked back . Heavy footsteps alerted her to another 's presence nearby . Three men stood in the kitchen , and another knelt on the ground , teeth gritted in pain . James . Anabelle gasped and ducked back behind the wall . When no one made notice of her sound , she glanced again . There was a tall man and two short men . The tall man had blood - red eyes and a jagged scar going down the length of his face . " Help me up . " he whispered , urgently . She slipped an arm under his shoulder , and lifted him to a standing position . He nodded his head at the closet . " There . " Anabelle helped him to the doors which she slid open , doing her best to be quiet . " To the left , there 's a handle on the floor . Lift it up . There 's a safe room in the floor . We can hide . " When she lifted the door , blackness bellowed up at them . They descended . Anabelle hated the dark , and when they both sat with relative comfort on the dirt floor , she gripped Alex 's fingers tightly . " The water ! " she said , looking frantically at where she knew him to be . " If they see the ice cubes still intact , he will know we are here ! " she pulled herself away from him despite his protests . " It will only take a minute . I 'll be right back . " Unable to move unaided to stop her , he said " Anabelle ? " she turned . " Be careful . " she nodded and smiled confidently at him before leaving silently . She closed the hatch behind her . Once topside , she snuck to the table where the bowl was . She carried it to the doorway where she searched the hall for the intruders . Once assured it was clear , she passed into the kitchen where she proceeded to dump the liquid . She hurried about her job , glancing up every few seconds for her own safety . A shout alerted her to a predator . She dropped the the porcelain object , shattering it , and took off down the hallway . She could hear the man in pursuit , his heavy boots thudding on the wooden panels beneath their feet . She swerved unexpectedly around a corner and then another , finally finding herself lost among the maze of hallways . She sunk to the floor , gripping the knife tightly to her chest . A trickle of blood popped from her lip as her teeth dug into it , causing her to swallow the scream that welled up inside her throat . Then she heard him . " Come back to me , my dear . " Tears rolled from her eyes , adding to the nervous sweat that already drenched her face . Her dream came back to her mind , unbidden as she shivered spasmodically . " Anabelle … " it was him all over again . He was getting closer . She could tell - she could hear him . " If you come out now , we won 't kill you . " he laughed , sending goosebumps cascading over her clammy skin . " I can 't promise you won 't lose a few fingers , maybe an ear , but trust me , you will be alive . " " If I were you , I would hurry . James has a tongue and some other limbs that my men are a bit anxious to remove . . " he was closer . " So I " closer " would " closer " hurry up " he was so so close . " if I were you . " " Missed me . " As she turned , she saw that Andrew Baker 's smiling face was mere inches from hers . She screamed as she struggled to get free , but his fingers - like the blood in her nightmare - would not be pushed away . Something heavy struck the back of her head , and just before her eyes shut , she thought she heard Alex screaming her name . He 's stuck . He can 't move , she thought , I have to help him out ! Then the black again . She sat in the dark , warm blackness washing over her , and then cold . As though she had been sleeping on a winter day , and someone had suddenly pulled the blankets off . She pulled her knees to her chest , and then spread her arms and legs realizing that she was flying . She crashed into the steel floor of a hospital . A child 's laugh echoed off the walls , plunging Anabelle into shivers . Her blue - tinged view of the place blurred the edges of her vision , causing her to use the wall as a hand - hold . When she felt something wet slip over her feet , she jumped and her eyes flew to her feet . " Barefoot , " she said , " Why am I barefoot ? " Blood oozed out from between her toes , and she picked up her foot , watching it drip to the floor . Movement in her peripheral vision pulled her head up again . The laughter . " Come back ! " she yelled . Anabelle rushed down the hall , pressing her hand against the wall . As she rounded the corner , the little girl 's back was turned to her . Anabelle stepped slowly closer , and when she saw something drip from the girl 's fingers , Anabelle grabbed the pale hand and held it in front of her face . Black . The girl flickered and suddenly was facing Anabelle . " Drown . " she said , and Anabelle did . Water was at her feet all at once , and it swiftly rose , so that soon it was at her ankles . She turned to run , but the opening behind her had disappeared and now she stood in a room devoid of windows or doors . The girl in front of her was swept away and soon disappeared , her obsidian hair the last thing of her to be sucked under . Anabelle ducked under the water to find the source of the flow , and after moments of looking around , spotted a covered drain that seemed to be detaining the water . She swam deeper and deeper , never seeming to get any closer , and then finally when she reached it , she pulled the plug . It seemed for a miniscule amount of time that the water level was going down , but then , when she looked again at the drain , a black cloud emerged . She put her face closer and found that it was not black , but deep red . Blood - red . It seemed to follow her no matter where she was . Anabelle 's tears blurred her vision , but the voice was unmistakable . Baker . As her sight cleared , she bit her lip in terror as he looked down at her , a cruel smile on his broken face , pushing his scar up higher on his face so that it twisted grotesquely , making her wince . " So , here 's what 's happening , Anabelle . This - " he held up a syringe filled with a bright purple liquid . " Is my creation . It took me quite a while to make , you know . " he paced to the other side of her , looking intently into the glass . " Do you know what it does ? " Anabelle glared at him , and he continued his monologue . " It 's a formula puts the human brain into a dream state that shows them all of their fears at once . Only , there 's another thing . We can see them , too . Right here , on this screen . " he tapped a computer terminal with his palm , letting it slide down the side of the screen . Anabelle 's eyes grew wide as she realized what was going to happen . Baker grabbed her wrist , flipping it over painfully , and lowering the syringe toward her popping veins . She struggled , and Andrew backhanded her across the face . Anabelle licked her lip , and tasted iron . Blood . Andrew slammed her arm back down onto the examiner 's table , and drove the needle into her arm . She barely had enough time to scream before the dreams came . Anabelle stood on the edge of a skyscraper , a fierce wind blasting strands of her hair into a whip that cut her face . She whimpered and backed up against a pillar that stood behind her . When she turned to look , she was gripping Andrew Baker 's jacket as a cruel snicker made it 's way from his parted lips . Screaming , Anabelle backed away from him , tipping precariously over the edge . As she zoomed through the air , her locks of hair rushing above her , all she could see was Andrew 's smiling face , taunting her . When she hit the bottom , she expected to be crushed to death . No such luck . Searing pain pressed itself into Ana 's skin . She screeched as it rushed into her skull . When she managed to open her eyes , a red fluid finding her eyes , She took in the scene in front of her . Alex lay defenseless on a table , his arms and legs and head held down , rendering him exposed . Thick red blood collected on the dips of his skin - his neck , his stomach , his wrists . To Ana 's great shame and horror , she herself was holding the whip . A hand settled on her shoulder , and moments later , another . On her left , Blüd . Grinning wide enough for Christmas . On her right , A tall , handsome man with jet black hair to match her own . Cruel , scared blue eyes stared back at her when she turned to him . Earlier , when he had heard Anabelle screaming , he had shot up from his seat , causing pain to flood to his wound and he fell to the ground . He heard a moan and pushed through the pain to get to the top of the ladder . When he finally escaped the dark hole , the scene hit him . A bowl lay shattered on the kitchen floor , a dagger on the ground in the hallway , so close to the door . If she had only run a bit further perhaps she would have escaped . " James ! " he remembered . He rushed down the hallways and through doors , finally collapsing in despair when he heard yet another groan , followed by a choked cough . " James ? ! Speak to me ! I don 't - " he winced at the sudden pain in his leg . " I don 't know where you are ! " " Alex ? " a dim voice droned , " You there ? I 'm - " cough , cough , " In the north room . I can 't - " he yelled through his teeth , " I can 't move ! They shot me below my kneecaps ! " Alex came back to stand in front of his friend . " I have to save her , James . I can 't say why , I just do . " " Keep going North until you see the city . You should be there in a few hours . Be safe , and don 't do anything I wouldn 't do . " Over and over Anabelle cried out Alex 's name , hoping he had escaped so he could save her again . Guilt poured into her like a waterfall . He had already saved her several times over ; by no means was he obligated to do it again . He kept coming back . She couldn 't shake his voice from her head . Her words quaked when she spoke . " Let me die . " she rasped . Even speaking sent showers of pain cascading over her body . She knew the dreams would come soon . She could see them in the corners of her eyes , the breath that shallowly emerged from her rising chest . She heard them in the rasp of her voice and in the creak of the door as it opened and closed . Despite the panicked thoughts that streaked through her mind , one kept materializing . She had to escape . She had to live . When her mother had died , her father had drowned in drink . He never really came back up . She had to survive . Her death would be the end of her father . She couldn 't leave him like that . Memories zipped through her mind : her father stumbling into the house after a night of drinking , her mother lying pale and dead on the bed that had once been white - now covered in red blood . And Alex . She had to help him . She had to find Alex . Pain erupted from her throat in a scream . With everything she had , she threw her arms up and dug her nails into the restraints . A crack snapped through her ears and the pain grew into something worse than she had ever felt . She stumbled from the bed . The lock turned . she struggled behind the door , gripping the wall to steady herself . The door opened , concealing her , and as the figure entered , she slammed the door . The man cried out as the structure slammed into his unprotected temple . Cradling his punctured skull , he turned on her . Anabelle quickly swiveled out the exit , shutting the man in . He yelled incomprehensibly and banged on the metal separating them . The boat rumbled underneath Alex 's pained feet , causing him to shift uncomfortably from side to side . His heart thrummed in his chest . Anabelle was close and he knew exactly where she was . Blüd Enterprise . The old building where all this started . James had wanted to come , but his legs were getting worse , and there was no way he could have come with them without slowing them down . No , this was something he had to do alone . Unaided . Water splashed up into his face . Alex sighed with pleasure as the drops cooled his fevered face . The air that rushed into him blew his face back from his eyes , giving him a heroic look that he didn 't feel . An hour and a half later , he arrived . Stepping onto the land , he gazed up at the once - glorious construct . Gloomy boards covered the shattered glass windows , nails protruding from the ends . He closed his eyes , preparing himself for the rescue . He went over his plan : Get Anabelle , get Simon , get out . Explosions of pain pulsed through his wound . Winces ebbed across his features , but he kept going . He had to find her . He had to find Anabelle . She felt herself being lifted from her perch on the ground . Screams blasphemed the air as she tried to claw her way from her subduers . She felt her fingernails catch on something , and an alarmed shout rang from the lips of someone nearby . Her arm shot out once again , hoping that she would get lucky . Nothing . Fearful , angry extensions clapped over her arms and wrists . She twisted , and writhed . Let . Me . GO ! Her mind screamed , but no words were liberated by her lungs - they swam around in her head . When Anabelle 's vision cleared , submissive tears ran in rivulets down her face . She was done . It was over . Memories of her father wafted through her brain , setting a sad smile like stone on her face . When Ana opened her eyes , confusion spread through her senses . They , too had been expecting their work to be done . Her vision focused , and she blinked once to dispell the specter she was certain was in front of her . I hope you guys enjoyed it ! I had a lot of long days of writing , and it finally paid off . This feels awesome . Haha If this is too hard to read , please email me at trueloveneverdies @ gmail . com and I will add you to the document so it is easier for you to read . : ) Also , my friend Rintarou finally got a blog ! ! ! Woohoo ! Way to get up there with the bloggers ! < 3 So you guys should totally check him out ! ! He 's awesome , and his blog is fabulous . ; ) Hi ! My name is Marisa ! I love to sing , write , blog , and just talk to people in general . My crazy family is both Armenian and Dutch , so we eat a lot of food from both sides . Just to cover the basics , my favorite color is blueFavorite TV show : Doctor Who and Firefly and my favorite book / series : " I know why the angels dance " by Bryan Davis . Thanks for taking your time to read my blog . Don 't forget to subscribe ! ! : ) Hey ! Thanks for reading ! Let me know if you would like to hear about something in particular ! I would love to hear from you ! Email me at trueloveneverdies1998 @ gmail . com |
Synopsis : Jim has solved the case of the man hypnotized into committing murder and now his book publisher wants him to go on a month long book signing tour around the country . Jim 's books about his adventures in crime solving are doing well in sales . Jim agrees after Penny calls her studio and gets the month off to go with him . They travel across the country and finally end up in Florida in a small town where people wait to meet Jim and Penny . While in this out of the way town , Jim finally meets his book editor who is from Florida and she comes into town to meet Jim . The book signing in the quaint bookstore goes very well , but later at their motel things go wrong . An attempt on the life of the book editor puts her in the hospital , hanging on for her life . Who would attack this woman and why . Was it because she looked so much like Penny that the attacker got the wrong woman ? Jim has to find out and another murder doesn 't help . All in a days work for the Senior Citizen Sleuth , Jim Richards in this seventeenth book of the murder novels . Earl Daws crawled across the lawn of the house looking for an opening into the place where the woman was being held . He listened for anyone speaking , to determine if it was safe to enter the building , or any movement . He heard none and so stood up at the back door to the small house , standing alone on the road at the outskirts of Las Vegas . He looked into the back door window and saw nothing , no one moving . He carefully turned the knob on the door ; it was locked . He pulled the small packet of tools from his back pocket to use to unlock the door . He worked carefully until the door lock gave way . He put his lock picks back in his pocket , pulled his Sig Sauer P250 from its holster and cautiously entered the building . He stealthily went through the kitchen he had entered and came around the corner of an opening into the living room . He saw the missing woman tied to the chair in the middle of the room and started to go to her . He suddenly realized he wasn 't alone in the room when he reached her and turned to see the shape of a man at the hallway . Earl raised his weapon and fired . The man went down just as another man came out from another room and started firing . Earl pushed the girl over to prevent her from being hit , and then dove towards the second man firing his weapon . They exchanged volleys of gunfire until the man was dead . Earl stood and went to the girl , cutting her bonds and took the gag from her mouth . " Whatcha doin ' mister ? " came the small voice from my right . I was startled to hear anyone so close and turned my head to see a small boy about twelve , I presumed , since I had no concept of children 's ages . " I 'm writing a story , " I answered the child . He was looking at the netbook I was typing on . It was a compact Acer laptop that was smaller than most laptops and only good for simple things , like writing my book stories on . " Don 't let him fool you ; he 's a hack writer of pulp fiction . " I heard the voice from my left . It was my beautiful wife Penny Wickens - Richards ; lying on the towel in the sand of the Florida beach , where we were relaxing . " Sure , I can use a meal . We 've been out here all day and didn 't even have lunch . You never made it into the water . " " With all that yucky salt water , eeyu . No thanks , and I 'm not fond of sharks . Sharks don 't come into my living room to bother me , I 'm not going into their living room to bother them . " " Hey mutt , don 't growl at me . " Penny scolded . " I 'll throw you in the ocean for shark bait if you do that again . " We put our beach things in the car 's back storage and I returned the umbrella and chair to the small rental booth , getting my deposit back . I pocketed the money and stood looking out to the water at all the boats jockeying for a good spot to anchor . We arrived in this part of Florida yesterday and I had a nice evening at a local bookstore signing my books . Today we just rested and enjoyed the beach before we went to the next stop . I heard Penny yelling about her being hungry so went back to the car , just after Penny drenched her body in the public shower to wash off the sand . She was in and buckled safely , Willy on the seat next to her . The rental SUV was comfortable and paid for by my book publisher . They usually don 't foot the bill for promotional book tour expenses now that the publishing world was hurting from all the new writers who were self - publishing their works with their electronic books , called eBooks . Even some of the seasoned bestselling authors were having their books changed to the new rage , ever since the Kindle reader came out . Sony had their own device and various other electronic book readers were now popping up for people to read the thousands of books out there . I had my first book about the classmate murders converted to the Kindle and was available on Amazon . Sales were doing well for both the printed book and the ebook , so I was happy . So was my publisher , who agreed to foot the bill for the trip . We were on the second week of my promotion tour around the country . We left Las Vegas and all our friends and journeyed up to Reno , then over to Salt Lake City , Denver , Kansas City then to St . Louis . We even stopped for a few bookstore signings in Michigan where we were able to see our family and friends there . Even though we both were from Michigan , we considered Las Vegas as our home . I was going to sign books for a month at various big box bookstores and a few independent bookstores , hopefully to promote my new book coming out , about the Strip Club Murders . The book tour was doing well , every store had enough people to make the trip worthwhile and make my publisher happy . " Why do I feel like we are in the middle of nowhere ? When do we get to go to Miami ? " " In a few days , then we return the car at the Miami airport and fly on the corporate jet to Washington D . C . and then up to Maryland . All in due time babe . " Our food arrived and we were starving , finishing the lobster and shrimp off in record time . I sat back and took a drink of the one beer I was allowing before we drove back to the motel , where I would have a few more beers , for both Penny and me . I was watching the people in the restaurant and noticed the same kid who questioned me on the beach . He saw me and waved , I waved back . Penny caught my wave and looked back to see some gorgeous blond sitting facing me . Her head snapped back and gave me a glare . We finished at the restaurant and headed back to the motel . Penny went straight to the pool and was swimming as Willy and I sat poolside . Willy looked up to me and then ran straight to the pool and jumped in . Penny was laughing at the pup , and swam around keeping an eye on him . The motel was just about empty , only three other rooms occupied besides us . I watched as some older man in his eighties , I guessed , came out of one of the rooms and over to the pool . He stood on the edge and watched Penny swimming then turned to me . " An admirer , don 't ask for any more , " I said . She got out of the pool helping Willy onto the concrete . She came over , plopped down on my lap and licked my ear . " Well , let 's go into the room and fix that problem . " She stood and took Willy back to our room . Luckily , we were about six rooms from the old man ; I didn 't want to give him a heart attack . We pulled out the clean bed sheets we brought with us and put them on the bed after I checked for bed bugs . I actually didn 't like staying in motels because of the cleaning issue . I saw too many TV programs on sanitary conditions in motels and it scared me . Penny was worse than I was ; she was very squeamish when it came to insects or bugs in the house or in this case , the motel . I checked the room carefully when we arrived and it looked clean , short of running a black light to see any blood or bodily fluids . We frolicked on the bed for a good long time . We were going for a record as to how many motels along the tour we could have sex in . This was number ten . We cuddled after a while and fell asleep . It was a quiet night and there were no disturbances to wake us . We awoke the next morning and packed our things putting them in the car . I put the room keys on the dresser for the cleaning people to take and I left a good tip . I remembered the hotel housekeepers from our adventures in Vegas and how they helped us track down killers . I said after that I would always tip the housekeeping well . We got into the car and drove down the 207 heading towards Palatka . I had explored Wikipedia last night and read about the colorful history of Palatka and the various takeovers by foreign countries and tribal nations . The town had about 11 , 000 people within the town borders and was the home to the St . Johns River State College . The town was well known for its local festivals , most notably the Florida Azalea Festival and the Blue Crab Festival . We found a small motel on the edge of town , and went in to register . The place was half - full and we got a room away from everyone . The downside , there was no pool , Penny wasn 't happy . But we would survive . I called my publisher and said we were in town , and to let me know where I was supposed to be signing my books . He told me about the small independent bookstore on the main street and I took down the address . I finished and hung up . Penny was looking out the front window and said , " Kind of a quaint place , but I could be wrong . " I took her hand , lifted Willy and went out to the car , driving into town and found the main street area . I saw the bookstore I was to appear at later today and parked in front . We went in and there was a young girl behind the counter with a pile of my books on display . She looked to me and her eyes got large . " Hey , you 're Jim Richards ! I 'm so happy you are here . I 'm Sissy . " She emoted an exuberance that bordered on scary . The girl 's eyes got even larger now , " Yes , you are the TV talk show woman . I used to watch you all the time before you moved to Vegas . We can 't pick up your new show from there , which is a disappointment . I 'd love to visit Las Vegas . " " Ken is in the back , I 'll call him , " she said then got on an intercom and called for the man . About three minutes later he came out . He was an older man , probably in his sixties , like me . He had a good head of hair but it was a snowy white and he walked with a cane . " Jim Richards ! How great to have you here . We have a good number of crime lovers in our town and they are all waiting to meet you . Hope you are ready to sign a lot of books . I ordered two dozen more in case . " I thanked him and asked how business was . " It 's been good , for an independent bookstore , we do well . Thankfully , the big stores haven 't cut us out of the picture , our customers like the personal service we provide . " " I 'm glad , I always like the corner bookstores . More friendly and homey , " I said . The bell on the door rang as an older woman in her late fifties came in . She came up to the counter and looked to me . " Aren 't you that murder novel writer ? " she asked . Ken came to the back of the counter and reached up to the shelves marked " Hold " and brought down a small paperback handing it to the woman . " Here it is Martha , just came in today . That will be $ 6 . 99 . " " Put it on my account , Kenneth . " She turned to me , " I 'm not against you Mr . Richards , I just don 't care for murder novels and detectives . But you have a nice day now . " She turned on her heels and went out as quickly as she came in . Ken heard her and said , " She is part of the Bible Belt Baptists that inhabit this area . They don 't like murder novels but they sure do like sex and romance books . One of the main landmarks for finding your way around here is a sleezy looking , faded red barn , it 's a porn shop with peep shows and no windows . I 'm from the north , New York , and I thought I got away from all the sleaze up there . " I laughed and asked where we could go get a good meal , he told us were to go . I said I 'd be back later for the signing and we went out to our car . I stood before getting in and looked around to the brick buildings that were built years ago to replace the wood buildings that burned down in a big town fire . Penny asked what I was doing . " I 'm just studying the architecture of the street , " I said as I got in the car and we drove over to the restaurant Ken recommended . We pulled up to the building and got out . The place was half full of people who all seemed happy and talkative . We sat in a booth looking out on the vehicle we rented and then a slim woman reminding me of Flo from the TV show ' Alice ' came up to take our order . I looked to her nametag and , honest to God , it said Flo . I stifled a laugh and said , " How are you doing today , Flo ? " " Ah 'm fine , how 's about you ? " Flo brought our breakfast to us and stood looking at me . I was concerned that she caught my finding humor in her name , but she smiled and said , " Ah know y ' all . You 're that writer fella , ain 't ya ? " " Ah read about him in one of y ' all books . Don 't rememba which one . Ah 'll go get him a plate of something he maht like . " She went off and I started to laugh again to myself . Willy gulped up his food and we said thanks to Flo , I dropped her a fiver for a tip and we left to go back to the car . We drove around town and passed the red porno barn . " Want to go in and see if they have Tandy Messner 's videos ? " I said referring to the porn actress who was kidnapped while being bodyguarded by our friend Angelo , the mob enforcer who moved into our guesthouse . We saved her from harm and now we left Angelo in our guesthouse to watch our home while we were on the tour . I called him almost every night to see how everyone was doing back home . " Yes ma ' am , " I said and headed back to the motel . I drove around trying to find it , but happened to come down a road and saw the sign ahead . We pulled into the lot and parked , getting out and going back to our room . There was a note taped to the door , I pulled it and read , " Jim , I 'm Val Brookside , your book editor . Your publisher told me you were in the area , so I came to meet you in person . I 'm in room 34 , please come down with Penny and meet me . " I showed it to Penny and told her , " Val has been editing my books since just after the first . Morty , my publisher hooked me up with her , but I never met her . I knew she lived in Florida but not where . This is a pleasant surprise . Shall we go visit before we get ready ? " We went around the building and found the room , I knocked and after a minute , the door opened . I was surprised . The woman looked a lot like Penny , same body size , hair and facial features were the same . If I didn 't know , I 'd say they were separated at birth . People wouldn 't mistake her for Penny , face was a bit too different , but on first look , she could pass . " Jim , I recognize you from your book picture , and you are Penny , I 've watched your show . Come in please . " She stood back so we could enter . " Yes , about eighty miles from here , I didn 't want to take a round trip drive all in one day , so I checked into this motel for the night . Morty said you were here when I called him . I 'm glad to finally meet you . I enjoy editing your books . " " I had a friend who was a writer and I had taken a number of courses in literature , English , grammar and so on . My friend asked me to check his book for him and I got involved . I enjoyed working with words and my friend 's publisher asked me to help them with a few of the books they were working on . The rest is history ; I 've been doing this for about five years . " " Oh no , I have about six I 'm working on presently . Sometimes it gets blurry when I have so many books to read , they all blend together . " " Well you must enjoy it enough to put up with that , " I said . We talked for about an hour and then I said that I had to get ready for the signing . " Are you going to be there ? We can all go in the same car if you don 't mind , " I said . " No , I don 't mind , that would be nice . " She gave me a business card with her cell phone number . " Just call when you are ready to go and I 'll come down . " We said our good - bye for now and went back to our room . I just wanted to rest for about an hour and then get my mind into talking and signing . Penny was in the bathroom with Willy , getting her hair done up and then came out and said , " Why don 't you lie down for a little , I 'll wake you in time to go . " I went to the bed and reclined . Penny turned on the TV low and sat with Willy watching some show about Ireland on the Discovery Channel . I drifted off finally . Around five Penny gently woke me and I sat up on the edge of the bed , shaking the cobwebs in my head . I wasn 't crazy about napping , because I always had dreams that were too real and they would upset me if it was a strange story in my head . I had always been a vivid dreamer ; I would create places and people that were so real I couldn 't tell sometimes if I was awake or dreaming . I think it helped to write my stories though . I went into the bathroom and washed up then changed into nicer clothes . Penny was still watching the Discovery Channel , now in Greece . I came up to her and gave her a big kiss , then said , " Shall we go ? " We called Val and she came around to our room , then we went to our rental car . I drove them over to the bookstore , called Books Dreams are Made Of . We arrived and there were already people starting to gather . I found Ken and he took me to a table where I was to sign from . I was standing by the table waiting for six o ' clock to arrive so I could start . The room was filling up now , I saw Flo , she waved and gave me a big smile as she held up three of my books . Penny and Val were by the counter and seated in two chairs that Ken brought out . We had introduced Val to Ken and he was happy to meet a real book editor . I was getting ready to start when this woman or rather an older girl came up and said , " Mr . Richards , I really love your books , they are so real to me . I have read all of them at least three or four times . I almost know the words . " " Oh , I 'm sorry , I 'm Bonnie Richner and I 'm from Atlanta . I missed you when you came through the one day . I was in a hospital , for a minor illness . But I found out where you were going and followed you here . " I was wondering if her illness was physical or mental , by the way she was looking at me . I thanked her and said I had to start . Ken came forward and got the crowd settled and introduced me . There was a good amount of applause and I waved to start . " Thank you Ken and I glad to be here . I hope I can answer any questions you may have and then I will sign your books if you have them . If not Ken has a few available to sell I 'm sure . " It got a laugh and then one woman in front asked how I started as a writer . I talked about how I got through the Classmate Murders and thought it would be a good book to tell people about the incident , so I sat down and started writing . Flo came up next in line and gushed about my signing her books . She said aloud to the crowd , " Everyone , Mista Richards ate in mah diner this mornin ' and he ' all left me a five dollar tip , Ah was impressed . " She smiled at me then went off with her treasures . Bonnie Richner came up finally and was gushing again . " Mr . Richards , may I call you Jim ? " she asked , I said sure . " I love your books and you are just the greatest detective in the world . " " Oh no , you are so great , I 'm always impressed . I really have all your newspaper clippings about you on my wall and I taped anything that you interviewed on TV . I am your number one fan . Really , no one is more devoted to you than I . Really ! " " Well , thank you . I 'm touched . Really . " Actually I thought she was touched , but was afraid to say it . I didn 't know what this girl was capable of . " Thank you so much for the signing , I 'll treasure it along with all my other treasures . " She gave me a big sigh and a smile and went off . I wasn 't crazy about hero worship , this was my first book stalker I figured . Penny came over and said , " I could hear all the way over there and you should be afraid , very afraid . " Then she laughed and went back to Val . I saw Bonnie walk up to Penny say something to her then walk off and out the front door . Penny looked a bit surprised and pulled Willy in his bag a little closer and then reached for her purse . I knew she was carrying her . 38 Smith and Wesson in it . I hoped there wasn 't any cause for concern . About a half hour later , there was a big cop standing talking to Ken . I saw them go over to Penny , standing next to her as she was explaining the situation . The big cop was nodding and then stood looking to me . I had one more person to sign a book for then the evening came to an end . I stood and put the pens in a box and went to where my people were . I came up and the big cop held out his hand to shake mine . " I just met her tonight and have no idea where she came from . Well , she did say she was from Atlanta and she just got out of a hospital , but didn 't say for what . I can call a friend of mine in the FBI and see what he can find out . " " I 'm a bit suspicious when any person approaches my wife for any reason . As your wife knows from reading my books , Penny has been the target of a number of threats and they usually end up in a kidnapping or worse . We have saved her on too many occasions and I don 't want to be lax in this . I don 't know what this woman is capable of , but when she tells Penny to watch herself , that is a threat to me . Now we both carry weapons , and we are both registered to carry , but I 'd like some support from the police on this . " " Mr . Richards , if ah let you or your wife get hurt , ah better not go home , my wife will shoot me . So ah will take care of this . Ah know of your reputation as a P . I . and I respect your abilities , otherwise I would ask you to back off on this , but ah think you can handle yourselves . " I turned to Penny and Val and said , " Shall we go find a place to have a drink and a bit of food ? " They both agreed and I turned to the Lieutenant , " Can you recommend a nice place for a drink and food , maybe some nice music ? " " Well there 's the Crossroad Saloon , it 's a bit rough but nice , just look for the motorcycle up on the pole , out on Highway 15 by West River Road . I can have one of my patrol cars to escort you out there . If y ' all need a ride back to y ' all motel , I can have someone drive you and your car back . " I asked Ken if he 'd like to join us and he accepted . We all went out to my rental and followed the patrol car out to the small square white building with Crossroads Saloon painted in big letters on the front . There was a motorcycle on a pole which worried me a bit , if this was a biker bar . Too bad Buck wasn 't here . The patrol officer got out of his car and came in with us . He identified himself as Officer Blake Shelby . " Ah was told by the Lieutenant to keep an eye on you folks , so ah will . Besides , ah like to enjoy myself here . It 's a favorite place of mine , " he said . We had a bit of food and a couple pitchers of beer and enjoyed the atmosphere of the place . Our cop sat at the bar talking to the waitresses , who I 'm sure he had a personal interest in . No one bothered us when they saw us come in with our cop , so we had a nice time . Val was loosening up and Penny was being Penny . They were having fun singing to the music and dancing in the aisles . Most of the rough looking customers were a bit afraid to approach the women , as I didn 't look like I was tolerating any nonsense . Besides my Glock poked out a few times from under my jacket . It helped . About two hours of partying later , we all finally gathered outside the bar , Ken went off to his car and left and Blake , as we were calling him now , said to follow him back to the motel . We did . Back in the motel we parked and Blake said he was to sit outside for a while until he felt it was safe . I thanked him and Val headed to her room . I was standing outside our room as I watched Willy do his thing on the lawn when I heard a scream . Penny had the door open and came out to see what it was . Officer Shelby came running over from his patrol car and we all went around the building to see where the scream came from . We arrived around the back and found Val lying on the ground , blood coming from her abdomen . We were all standing outside the ER waiting for word on Val 's condition . Officer Shelby was talking to Lieutenant Maybell who was called right after we arrived at the hospital . Penny was sitting on a couch looking upset and bookstore Ken came in after Maybell called him to ask a few questions . The two of them went off to talk in private , Maybell used his cellphone and then they came back to us . Ken went to sit on the couch next to Penny . I wanted to get out and asked the Lieutenant if he could come with me outside . He followed me out of the ER and through the entrance doors into the black of the night . As soon as I stepped outside , I took in a lungful of air and nearly inhaled about a gallon of humidity . The air was still and dripping in the Florida humidity , I really wanted the dry heat of Vegas right about now . " I got an APB out on the girl from your description and from Ken . She has to be in a motel around the area , since she 's from out of town . We 'll find her . " " Thanks Lieutenant . I 've been thinking on this and I am wondering if Val was attacked because of her similarity to Penny . In the near dark the attacker may have thought it could be my wife . " The ER lobby doors opened and Officer Shelby came out . " Lieutenant , ah take responsibility for the woman being attacked . Ah shoulda escorted her to her room . I 'm regrettin ' it now . " " Don 't beat yourself up Blake . The threat was on Mrs . Richards not this woman , so we didn 't think she would be attacked . Just keep an eyeball on Mrs . Richards now , will ya ? " " Well , it looks like she was hit on the back of the head with a blunt object first . From cleaning the blow area , we took a good deal of dirt from the wound . Ah 'd say it was a heavy flat rock she was hit with . Then when the woman was down the assailant kept hitting her in the abdomen with some kind of knife . Can 't say for sure , but ah 'm thinking it was possibly a small thin hunting knife . The blow put her in the coma and the shock of the attack didn 't help much either . Ah 've seen a good deal of knife wounds come through these doors , ninety percent were inflicted by a woman . Men use fists or guns to do their dirty work . That 's just my opinion . " " You 're welcome Mr . Richards . Ah have to say I have perused your books , very well written . Must have been scary on a few of your cases . " We thanked him and he went back into the building . A few seconds later , Ken came out hobbling on his cane . It was a nice looking cane , shiny black with a dragon 's head on the top . It reminded me of the cane Deacon used for a while when he was shot in the hip by the Classmate killer . " No problem . Sorry about this Jim , it 's tragic . I hope they catch the person who did this . " He hobbled off and I looked back to Maybell . I came back in to find Penny dozing on the couch and Blake sitting in a chair reading a magazine . He looked up as soon as I came in and nodded . I went to another couch and laid back . Luckily the ER waiting room was vacant so it was peaceful . I must have dozed off and then I suddenly felt someone gently waking me . " Jim , get up it 's morning . " It was Penny and I was shocked to see sunlight coming in the windows . " Wow , I guess I was more tired than I thought . " I sat up wiping the drool from my mouth and looked over to Blake . He was still in the chair I last saw him in . " Did you stay up all night ? " I asked . " Oh , that 's a good one , I 'll remember that , " he said with a goofy smile . I know this is partly country backwoods , but I would think TV would educate him as to cop terms . I stood stretching and asked Penny , " Any word about Val ? " " The doctor came out about an hour ago and said she was still in a coma . But she 's stable for now , they 're watching her closely . Poor woman came out to enjoy herself then this crap happens . I 'd like to get hold of that little bitch myself . " The entrance doors from the outside of the ER opened and in walked Maybell with his wife Flo . The woman came over to me and grabbed my arm gently , " Ah 'm so sarry for what happin 'd . How 's she doin ' ? " " The wife was concerned . So on the way to the diner she wanted to stop and say something . She 's not much on words , which I like . So any further word from the Doc ? " I thought about my book tour and said to Penny , " I need to call Morty and let him know what happened . " I looked to Maybell and said , " Morty is my publisher , Val was a book editor for my books and works for Morty . I should go call and tell him , excuse me . " I went out to the sunshine and humidity and pulled my cell phone . " Stalker ? That 's not good Jim . I 've had a few other authors who had stalkers , it can be dangerous . Let me know how Val is doing . Does she need any help with the hospital expenses ? " " Yep , until further notice or the woman is caught . Ah 'm going to shadow y ' all to keep y ' all away from the perp . " He grinned as if he was proud to have used the term properly . " Well , I feel safer already . " I smiled as Blake went to sit in his chair and picked up another magazine . The patrol officer was young , probably around twenty - something and had light blond hair , cropped close . He was tall , almost six feet and thin . He was a rather handsome man and I could see that the women would like him . Penny came over to me standing in the middle of the waiting room . " I 'm hungry , and I don 't want hospital food . Can we go get a bite to eat ? " He jumped up and said he 'd be happy to . We followed him out to our cars and drove the distance to the diner . We arrived and there weren 't very many people in the place , must have just missed the breakfast crowd . We sat in a booth and I insisted Blake sit with us . He was happily seated as Flo came over . " Yes , please . This number four looks good , I 'll have that and Blake is eating with us , so pick something , " I said to him , he grinned and asked for a number three . Penny asked for the number four also and then Flo went off . " Well you have to come out sometime to visit . Being a P . I . is like any other police work , just bigger crimes in a city like Vegas . More people making it harder work to track down a serial killer or a terrorist . But we have smaller crimes also , like any other city . Have you ever had a big crime here ? " " Oh , we have our share . Lots ' a poor folk here . They get a little testy when they drink and have no money to pay their bills . We don 't get the serial killers or terrorist but we have our share of killings . Mostly spouses killing of spouses . " " My father was a cop here , he made Captain just after I got on the force . He was shot and killed in a shoot out with some bikers that came into town and figured they could tear up the place . The rest of our men managed to take down most the bikers . We only lost my dad . " He went quiet , and I gave him the time to reflect . " I 'm sorry to hear that Blake , I 'm sure your father would be proud of you . " Penny offered to the man looking lost now . He smiled at Penny 's comment and said , " I 'm sure he would be , my mother is certainly proud but wishes I was in some other profession . " " I 'm sure , " I said . " I 've had many times that I wonder why I do what I do , with all the death threats and near death attempts on my life . I worry everyday about Penny , she has been kidnapped more times than any woman should be . But she has saved me a few times . " " Well Jim has this curse that murder follows him . Every time he is involved in a case someone dies , " she said then suddenly realized that Val was still uncertain for her life . " I 'm hoping Val isn 't the one who dies . I mean I hope no one is murdered , this was supposed to be just a simple book tour . " We talked a bit more then Flo came with our food . I had eggs , bacon , ham and hash browns . That would tide me over for a while , the plate was full . We ate in silence then Ken came in the diner and stopped at our table . " I was heading in to open the bookstore but saw you from the window . Nice to have a diner so close to my business , " He said . " How 's Val doing ? " Penny leaned to me , " I didn 't want to say anything earlier but Ken was really hitting on Val last night at the bar . She was being nice but shot him down . He looked crushed . " " Well he sort of moped a bit then he just ignored her . But Val was so busy drinking and having a good time she didn 't pay much attention to him . She could get loose after a few drinks I found out . " " I don 't know much about her other than she is a very good editor . Her personal life is a mystery to me . I wonder how hurt Ken was being shot down ? " I just smiled and finished my meal . Blake was wolfing down his grits and eggs , I didn 't even want to try grits , it just sounded so disgusting . Then I thought of the TV Flo yelling to ' kiss ma grits ' to people and wondered if our Flo ever yelled that . We finished and Flo cleaned our table . I was watching people on the street all going about their business and thought about going to the bookstore again . We stood and I put another five on the table and waved to Flo behind the counter pouring coffee for a customer . He smiled and followed us down the block giving us the tour guide explanation of the main street . In the couple blocks we walked I learned a lot about the area , Blake was a good tour guide . Penny was holding on to Willy in his bag as the pup 's head was sticking out and looking around . I almost forgot we had him . He can be real quiet at times , I just worried we never left him somewhere . We arrived at the bookstore and went in . Sissy was at the counter and beamed when she saw us . " Good morning Mr . and Mrs . Richards . Hey Blake , good to see you too . " He went a little red and I figured he had an interest in the girl . He went to the counter as Penny and I went over to where Ken was setting up a book display . " Hello again Ken , ready for the new day ? " " Sure am Jim . I received a new shipment of books , I always like when they come in . It 's like Christmas Day for me opening the boxes . All the bright shiny books packed inside . It 's a good feeling . " " I got tired of the big city and my bookstore there was being forced out by the big box bookstores . Hell , Barnes and Noble put up one of their super stores about four blocks from my store . It was just too hard to compete . " " She passed away a couple years ago , just after we moved here . She at least got to enjoy it for a while . She had cancer , it took her quick , thankfully . " He paused and smiled , " Yes , there was one woman , a school teacher last year that I was interested in but she disappeared one day . They couldn 't figure what happened to her , she just vanished and they never found her . Shame , she was someone I could have been interested in for more than just an acquaintance . " |
I have flights booked to go to England on 20th November . The intention was literally a flying visit . . . to stay for just one week . But I miss my daughter and Billy so much , a week is better than nothing at all . I haven 't seen them since May and it seems such a long time . Before she had Billy she worked as manager of a Montessori School . She loved her work . She loves children and I 've never known such a " natural " . She has so much patience . . . I 've no idea where this comes from . Not me I 'm sure . I could never have found the stamina to work with young children . After she had Billy , she decided to become a registered Childminder so that she could work at home . She , like many young mums still has to work . One salary these days is just not enough to survive for many couples . She has always been adamant that she didn 't want to put Billy into a day nursery . . . she has some experience of them and wasn 't impressed , and certainly wouldn 't have been happy to place Billy in that environment . Becoming a childminder these days is a lengthy and thorough process . I remember years ago having a couple of friends who were registered childminders . All that was necessary at that time was for someone to come out and check that your house was safe , gather a couple of references , and that was more or less that . She attended a course every week for a couple of months . Childminders are now registered by Ofsted so the environment in which they are cared for has to be absolutely safe . So there were many visits to her flat to check it out , and of course she had to have police checks too . The whole process takes about 6 months and finally she was up and running . She was already collecting two boys ( sons of a friend ) from school each day and taking them to their home along with Billy , looking after them until their mother and father returned from work at around 6pm . These two are now officially being " childminded " in my daughter 's home , after she collects them from school each day . She also has another pre - school child who attends nursery school three mornings a week , and she collects him and looks after him for the rest of the day . It 's a hell of a job for her . They live in a top floor flat with lots of stairs and no lift . She 's pregnant with her second child , and she 's up and down stairs all day with Billy and her mindees . This week is half term and she has all of them full time . Last Friday she received a call from the housing association offering them a house . She had to view it on Monday ( the first day of half term ! ) and they had to make an immediate decision , and be prepared to move within two weeks , or the house would be offered to the next person on the list . Of course they have accepted the offer . Not only does this remove all the stress of the stairs , but it has a garden and is also very close to Billy 's paternal grandparents , who are a tremendous help to them . Naturally there is very little she can do this week and my son - in - law is unable to take any time of work this month . They will have the keys on Friday and will spend the weekend making Billy 's room habitable . . . the only one that needs some work . . . and then they will move the following weekend . So as I said . . . she has an awful lot on her plate just now . I spent yesterday trying to change my flights , to see if I could go over sooner , ie within the next two weeks . No chance . . . there 's nothing before the flight I already have booked for 20th November . It 's so frustrating . I have time to spare and could be of much more use there than here . However , I did manage to change my return flight to extend my stay by another week . So I will be there for two weeks rather than one . Maybe she will still have jobs that need doing then and I 'll tell her to make a list for me ! Today I also looked in my fridge and found just one egg , and about 150g margarine , and of course I have all the usual things like flour , sugar and baking powder in the cupboard so I decided to make some of my easy muffins . I used a mixture of raspberry and strawberry jam for flavour and found a handful of sultanas in the cupboard and threw them in . This is just the easiest muffin recipe I 've ever used , and very adaptable . I am thinking about using some of my fig jam next time with chopped walnuts . I 'd be interested in hearing from anyone with other suggestions for flavours . . . do let me know . The inspiration came in a roundabout way from David McMahon 's blog because I really enjoy his " Verse and Worse " posts , where he encourages his followers to respond in rhyme . It 's great fun . If you 've never visited his blog , take a look , you won 't be disappointed in his wonderful photos , and his lighthearted look at life . He had taken a break from blogging for a year . Some of you may have followed him in the past , so in case you didn 't realise , he 's now back . I was on a course some years ago , and before the day started I found a vending machine and decided to grab a coffee . I put the coins in , pressed the selection buttons . . . coffee . . . with milk . . . no sugar . . . . then start . The dried coffee came out . . . then the powdered milk . . . then the hot water . But there was no cup to catch it . So I stood there trying to catch it in my cupped hands . . . . . just as I noticed that the plastic cups were standing next to the machine . I was supposed to place one under the funnel first . Imagine my embarrassment as I struggled to transfer the coffee in my hands into a plastic cup , kindly passed to me by one of several people who had been standing behind me watching the whole time . It 's what life is all about these days isn 't it ? Aiming to be famous . . . to be a celebrity . It 's the big dream of the young . No driving ambition to do well at school or university ( if you are actually able to afford a place ! ) . No desire to become a doctor , or teacher , or any worthwhile job that might enable you to change or improve peoples ' lives . Just look at shows like the X Factor , where for months on end , thousands upon thousands of people join massive queues , for a chance to audition and hopefully get a place on the show . When they get there , and are interviewed , they all repeat the same mantra . " It 's my dream , it 's all I ever wanted " . And they are devastated when they don 't make it through to the finals . Although even those that go on to win , are often never heard of again . And take Big Brother . . . oh thank goodness that 's finished now . It had certainly well over - run it 's course . Ordinary people , sitting around , and doing nothing , in a house full of cameras , for weeks and weeks . . . just for the chance to become a " celebrity " . What about Katie Price ( formerly known as Jordan ) . . . now here is someone who has turned " celebrity " into an art form . You have to admire the woman for managing to make a career out of doing . . . well what is it that she does ? Oh yes . . . she has cameras following her and then it 's called a TV programme . She is surely the queen of celebrities . And talking of Cheryl Cole , brings me to the fickleness of Joe or Jane Public . Let 's build these celebrities up . . . put them on a pedestal . . just so we can enjoy knocking them off . What prompted me to write this post was reading the latest " news " report on Cheryl Cole . . . but mostly I was intrigued by the comments on the article in question . It 's hard to understand what makes people so hateful . They make the nastiest comments about someone they don 't know . . . have never met . Why motivates them to show such vitriol ? I think it 's simply jealousy . It 's what so many aspire to , but know they will never achieve . So instead of saying " good luck to him / her " . . . they show their resentment by posting their comments on newspapers . Although to be fair , the public are very much encouraged by the sort of stuff written by journalists about celebrities . . . almost like they are encouraging people to knock them down . And I posted a photo of Cheryl deliberately because I 'm wondering if I am one of the few who actually thinks she 's a nice person . Of course I don 't know her , but she comes across as being a nice girl . And she 's proof that celebrity status doesn 't necessarily give you the perfect life . Maybe it 's because I 'm older and maybe wiser that I have no feelings of envy or jealousy towards celebrities . I 'll admit to thinking that they shouldn 't really earn the huge amounts of money that some of them do when they have little or no talent . But generally , I just think . . . good luck to them because they are living in an age where " celebrity " seems more important than anything else so they are just taking advantage of the opportunity . I have mentioned briefly about the woman who lives in the house just below us . She has learning disabilities as far as I can establish . . . although the Turks will just attach the label " she has a mental problem " . People in the village are kind , they give things to this woman and her husband . When she was sick last year , two neighbours went in and washed her thoroughly , with hot water that we provided . When my FIL was here recently we had a discussion about this woman and mental health / learning disabilities in general . He has a typical Turkish attitude . He is a good muslim , he gives to those less fortunate than him , and just assumes that people like this woman , don 't actually understand anything , so everyone must help . I did try to explain that just helping . . . ie just giving things . . although kind , doesn 't actually achieve much in enabling this woman to have the best possible life that she can . That it would be better for people to spend time teaching her how to wash herself and her clothes , how to shop for food , how to cook , how to keep her house and garden clean . FIL 's response was that she doesn 't understand because she has a mental problem . I found myself having a similar conversation last night with Mr A . Unfortunately he shares some of his father 's opinions on the subject . But to be fair he did listen to what I had to say . I tried to explain that it 's so important for these people to be treated as human beings , and that we shouldn 't just be GIVING and DOING but that we should be ENABLING . This is the only way that this woman and others like her will ever gain self respect and achieve a better way of life . At the moment this woman and her husband live in absolute squalor . They never wash themselves or their clothes . They don 't clean their house or garden . They don 't cook . The rubbish piles up , causing a health hazard to them and others around them . . . until it reaches a point where a neighbour will just go in and light a bonfire to burn it all . Their toilet is just a pile of bricks in a semi - circle in their garden where they squat and do their business . Although to be honest the woman would often just come out of her house and squat in front of it . No - one has bothered to explain to her that this is not acceptable . . . until Mr A noticed one day last year . He told her that it was wrong . He said that if her husband would build up their " outside toilet " with more bricks he would give them wood to put on the top to make a roof . . . which he did . I 've not seen her squat just outside the house since . . . . so she DOES understand ! Last night I did feel a bit like I was wasting my time talking to Mr A about what could be done to enable this woman to achieve more . So imagine my surprise this morning to find him out in the garden talking to her over the wall . He was telling her how to tidy up and clean her garden . He was very patient with her and repeated himself many times , but finally she got the message , and has been spending the past hour or so having a good sort out ! A bit later I heard him talking to our neighbour Şevke , and saying wouldn 't it be nice if she and some of the other women could take some time to teach the woman how to wash and to cook . I 'm hoping that they will although you can 't force people to do something that seems alien to them . You know how much I love the Turks . They are kind and generous people . . . they have good hearts . They will do anything for anyone . They just don 't have the knowledge or experience to deal effectively with mental health problems or learning disabilities . It 's difficult to change attitudes . It takes time . But if we can enable just one person to become independent it has to be worth the effort . This morning I read this article in Todays Zaman where the Mayor of Istanbul is talking about improvements that need to be made to buildings in the city . They 've had 11 years to take action since the big earthquake that saw the loss of 18 , 000 lives . But just by reading this article , it 's clear to see that no - one is really taking any responsibility . We are having really nasty weather at the moment . Gale force winds accompanied by storms and torrential rain . Strangely though , it 's still warm , temperatures in the 70sF . At the bottom of the hill in the village , the roads are beginning to flood , and the centre of Milas is the same . The rain shows no sign of letting up so I have a feeling we could be stranded anytime now . However , because of the weather my signal is quite weak so the screen keeps freezing . So much so that it 's impossible to watch . It rained continually through the night so this morning found me mopping up water that has leaked into the house through the uPVC panels and window frames . So we now have rolled up towels around every window frame and along the skirting boards under the uPVC panel in the sitting room . Thank goodness we still have a pile of towels from the hamam business . . . I 'm going to need them ! Mr A and I spoke last week about getting silicone to redo the window frames on the outside . . . yes we spoke about it and did nothing . . . and now the rain has beaten us to it . I was just finishing the mopping up when suddenly there was a flash of lightening . . . only one . . . and there have been none since . But that one flash was enough . . . yes you 've guessed it . . . it hit my modem AGAİN . The phone line is also dead . Unlike the last time this happened , when the modem expoded into thousands of pieces . . . this time there was just a pop . . . and all the lights went out except the " power " light . We phoned my kind friend Mr Keleş at TTNet in Milas , who referred us to a colleague who told us to bring the modem into Milas to be checked . So off we went , the car wading through water all the way there . Waiting for us was Mr Umit . . . also a very helpful man . He tested the modem and said it was not working , but there was a chance it could be fixed but would have to be sent away . Mr A used his Delboy charm as usual and persuaded Mr Umit to lend us another modem to use in the meantime . We then bought a better adaptor , one with short circuit protection , which hopefully will prevent the same thing from happening again . So I am now using Mr A 's mobile device plugged into my laptop , and I am connected . However this clever little thing doesn 't have enough power or bandwith . . . or whatever . . . for me to run my TV website . So still no TV . But I am connected to the internet . . . even though it is very slow . . . and I 'm very grateful for that . At least I 'm not completely cut off from the outside world . Mr A started selling the mesir macunu products again on Sunday , and it was a reasonably good start . Yesterday , however , he sold nothing . . . but the weather was so bad I doubt anyone would venture out of their houses to look at his wares . Today is even worse , but not to be deterred , he had an idea which he has put to the supplier . He has offered to talk to shopkeepers in the bigger towns , to see if they are interested in stocking the products . If they are , he will refer them to the supplier to place an order , and Mr A will get 10 % of the cost of the order . He has to do nothing else other than refer them . I think this is an excellent idea , and it doesn 't clash with Mr A 's market as he only sells to villages . So he has now set off through the floods to Milas again , where he knows of at least 4 or 5 shops that may be interested . Meanwhile , I 'm still mopping up . I 'm trying to find somewhere that 's not damp to dry my washing . I 'm wishing for my phone and internet connection to be restored " soon " but I don 't hold out much hope . I think it 's likely to be extremely difficult for the engineers to carry out the work in this awful weather . Even though this post could be interpreted as Ayak just having another moan about life ( which you are all used to by now ! ) I 'm actually quite happy . Must be the effects of the bad weather ! That little sign above is what has been appearing on my screen every time I click on the link for the website to check if normal service has been resumed . What is so irritating about it is that it refers to " scheduled maintenance " . If it was scheduled , then why was there no warning to their subscribers that this was about to happen ? I had tried to get the site on Saturday morning , and at first I had the error HTTP404 message , then later " very busy . . . try later " . Then eventually the little red message appeared . Occasionally though I click on the link and get taken to another website . . . with the same name . . . which is under construction . . . don 't understand that at all . He still thinks he can sell the mesir macunu products . So ( you may ask ) why did he return the rest of the stock at the beginning of the week for a refund ? Well it would seem that the remaining products were ones that weren 't so popular . He found another supplier today who has more of a variety of products on offer , some of which are cheaper . An order was placed , a price given , but then we were quite shocked to learn the cost of sending it by cargo . Cargo costs in Turkey are usually pretty reasonable but this company charges by the kilo and its expensive . We would also have had to pay a fee for paying the cost of the order into the company bank account , which we couldn 't do today because it 's Saturday . So we would have had to wait until Monday , pay the money , and then the goods would be despatched to arrive on Tuesday . We weighed up the cost of all this against the cost of petrol to make the trip to Manisa , and there frankly wasn 't much in it , so as Mr A doesn 't want to waste precious selling days waiting , he set off at lunchtime today to collect the stock . He will make some stops on the way back to start selling , return home tonight and start again tomorrow . . . this time staying locally . Ahem . . . which was my idea two weeks ago . . . but of course he knew best ( which he didn 't ! ) I 'm really annoyed today because I couldn 't log on to my UK TV website for some reason . It just keeps coming up with " host not found " then I get the HTTP404 message so I have no idea what 's happening . I have internet connection . . . everything else is OK but just cannot get my TV site . And I was so looking forward to Strictly Come Dancing and the X Factor tonight . I 've tried phoning the company but there 's no - one there . . . perhaps they 've gone bust ? Or worse still maybe this is yet another site that the Turkish government have decided to ban . . . . who knows ? The weather has been very unpredictable today . I set off to Milas this afternoon in temps of around 80F . . . blue skies . . . lovely . Then as I was shopping some clouds suddenly appeared and it started to rain . It stopped 10 minutes later . . . brilliant sunshine again . It has been doing this all afternoon . It 's dark now and a few minutes ago I heard the rumble of thunder so I think we are likely to get a storm tonight . I love watching storms . . . . well tonight I 'll have little choice . . . no TV website to watch and no television ! I 've now had almost 13 years of regular water cuts . This week in particular the water has been off every day for between 4 and 8 hours . It 's no great hardship really . I have just adapted to a situation that the Turks have grown up with . I 'm used to it but it has made me very aware of how precious water is , and how the lack of water in other countries can mean the difference between health and sickness . . . . and life and death . Sometimes I know what I 'm waiting for . It can be something I have waited for with excited anticipation . . . like Christmas and birthdays as a child , or the arrival of a child or grandchild . Or it can be something that fills me with dread like bills when you know you don 't have enough money . I think I 'm a little like my late father . I always felt that he wasn 't quite happy enough , that he was waiting to be happier . I remember him saying to me when he was almost 70 years old that he was still waiting for his life to start . That 's really sad isn 't it ? These days I wait for Mr A 's latest adventure . . . I always hope that the next one will be the one that earns some money to make our lives a little more comfortable and to stop me worrying so much . He is also the most accident prone person I have ever known , so I 'm often waiting for the next accident or incident . I never have long to wait ! Just outside Izmir he had an accident . Well not him personally , but the car . As he was turning a corner one of the front wheels came off the car and hit another car . No - one was hurt . The damage to the other car was minimal and cost little to repair , which Mr A paid . But then most of the refund money was used to fix the wheel back onto our car . So he finally came home , tail between legs ( because he feels ashamed about this last venture , like others before , has not earned any money ) . I sent him straight off for a shower . He has been in the same clothes since Friday and the smell wasn 't pleasant I can tell you ! He saw little point in taking more clothes with him because he was sleeping in the car and wouldn 't have been able to shower and change anyway . Neither of us felt much like talking , so we waited until this morning to discuss future plans . We have two options . Either he goes away to somewhere like Istanbul to work for the winter , or he looks for a job locally . We both know that his being away from home has caused many problems between us this year , but there 's not much in the way of work in this area . However , he has been into Milas this evening to see a man about some building work . There 's nothing immediately , but if he waits a few more days , there 's a possibility of some work for the winter . If that doesn 't happen , then I 'm afraid I 'll just have to put up with him going away again . Mr Ayak is off all over the place trying to sell his wares . We keep in touch by mobile phone . I worry about him driving so many miles . It 's an old car . . . anything could happen . He set off on Friday morning , with his blanket and pillow , and I have been mapping his progress by phone since . I spoke to him early on Sunday and he told me the name of the place where he was . I was a bit concerned because it 's so far away . He 's selling but he 's using the proceeds to put petrol in the car and he seems to be travelling further and further away . I don 't see the logic in that frankly , but he 's a man , he says he knows what he 's doing . Don 't they always ? ( well they think they do ) . I think he should be closer to home and not using so much petrol , but he reckons this stuff doesn 't sell closer to home . During the last call on Sunday he said he was in traffic . I said " call me later when you reach your destination " . He didn 't call for hours so I tried ringing him . This was just before 4pm . The phone was switched off . This isn 't unusual . Sometimes there 's no signal , sometimes he switches it off when he 's driving . So I left him a message . Hours later , the phone was still off . I left another message . By almost midnight , the phone was still off and I was getting worried . It was off all night . If he had had an accident how on earth would I know ? Naturally I couldn 't sleep . Yesterday morning I phoned my FIL . I explained that it was most unusual for Mr A to do this and if I had been in England I would have been ringing the police or the hospitals by now . FIL was also concerned . He phoned around various relatives ( some living in roughly the area where Mr A was ) and also left a voicemail on Mr A 's phone . He then said leave it a while longer . Still nothing . Early afternoon FIL and I spoke again and he said that we should leave it until tomorrow , then he would call the police . Finally . . . early evening Mr A popped up on MSN on my laptop . He was in an internet cafe . His phone was stolen a little while after I last spoke to him . I didn 't ask him how this happened but I suspect , as usual , he left it in the car with the doors unlocked . I don 't know how many times I 've told him not to do this ! He has reported it to the police , but of course there 's no chance he 'll get it back . So we 'll just have to report it to Turkcell and get the simcard blocked ( easier said than done . . . but that 's another story ! ) I tried to explain to him how worried I was , and how worried his father was , that we had no way of contacting him for some 26 hours . And do you know ? He just didn 't get it . He just said " you don 't have to worry . . . I 'm not a child , I can take care of myself " . I give up ! ! So last night he was attempting to return in the direction of home . He doesn 't have enough money for petrol to get here , but says he will sell stuff on the way . When I switched on my laptop this morning , there was a message from him on MSN which he had sent late last night saying he had driven back to Manisa ( this is where we bought the stock ) . He will attempt to return the existing stock to the factory and get a refund . . . then make his way home . And then he will find another job . So that 's the end of his latest adventure . I had my doubts about it all along but he wouldn 't be told . Goodness knows what his next plan will be . At this moment I have a mixture of emotions . I 'm exasperated by him . . . although I shouldn 't be because I should be used to this by now . But most of all I 'm just relieved that he is safe . I am very happy to have received the above award today from gaelikaa at gaelikaa 's diary . Gaelikaa and I share many similar experiences in our lives . . . she in India and me in Turkey , and I consider her now to be a good friend . Thankyou gaelikaa . He has itchy feet . He always has to be on the move . Even when he 's at home , he can 't sit in one place and relax . He paces up and down , goes from one room to another and can 't wait for the next " adventure " to begin . His going away for periods of time in previous years , when we lived in different areas , didn 't bother me at all . I like my own company . I also had friends in those areas , so I was able to socialise whenever I wanted to . But it 's different here . I have no friends and no social life . OK the women of the village are really lovely , and friendly , but I have nothing in common with them , so I 'm left feeling very lonely at times . This year has been a difficult one for us . I found it hard to be alone here last winter , particularly when I fell and injured my back while Mr A was away in Istanbul . He did fly down of course , and lost his job because of it . The hamam business didn 't work out , and on top of that ( and also in some respects because of that ) our marriage has suffered as a result . Working together at the hamam for the last three weeks of business proved to be the turning point . We couldn 't have managed it if we hadn 't bought the car . We know now that this is the way forward . Anything that we have planned for next year , we will do together . But we still have to get through yet another winter with little money , and so we come to Mr A 's latest ( ad ) venture . It 's now one week since he began . It got off to a reasonably good start but it 's not been too good since . Apart from Monday night when he slept in the car , he has returned home every night . I think this is where the problem lies . He needs to go further away to areas where he knows he can sell . He hasn 't been doing this because he is aware that I don 't want to be alone , and has come home each night . . . and naturally has used more petrol in doing so . I told him yesterday that it was OK for him to go further afield . We have to shift this stock so I have to put my needs to one side for a while . So off he set with his stock , blanket and pillow , and he phoned me last night when he had reached his planned destination . He is in a village somewhere . . . . with just enough money to buy a couple of glasses of tea , and no money for petrol until he sells something . He doesn 't seem concerned about this . Somehow it gives him more of an incentive to sell . I had to phone him at 6am because there is a market there today . I said to him last night that although I know he is trying to earn money , I feel that all this travelling satisfies his need for adventure . Surprisingly , he said that he felt that he was getting too old for this , and that he really wanted to settle down and spend more time at home with me . I have come to the conclusion that if you are in a relationship with someone who has this need for adventure , you just have to allow them to get on with it . There 's no point in trying to stop them . . . it doesn 't work . Eventually , it would seem , they just get it out of their system and the adventure bug disappears . He has covered a huge area and hundreds of villages . The week started fairly well but it would seem that people just aren 't buying anything these days . They don 't have money . . . I know how they feel . . . it 's a sign of the times isn 't it ? At the moment we are spending money on fuel for the car and for the last two days he has sold nothing . As usual he remains optimistic while I just worry . Well one of us has to ! I wish I could be more like him with his laidback attitude to life and the belief that everything will be fine . . . that it 's all in the hands of Allah and he will take care of us . And talking of Allah ( or God ) and religion . Mr A and I have never discussed it in almost 13 years together . But a couple of weeks ago we were having a conversation and I expressed my views and he said he would never have married me if he had thought that I didn 't believe in God . Well I was a bit upset at this remark at first until he went on to explain what he really meant . He said that if the subject had come up when we first met , then maybe he wouldn 't have considered getting to know me better . But he doesn 't regret not knowing because he is glad that he married me . So that 's OK then . . . no imminent divorce on the grounds of not believing ! Religion came up in conversation with FIL whilst he was here . He is a deeply religious man . . he attends mosque regularly , and even when he doesn 't he stops to pray at the correct times . It 's hard to explain to someone like this that you don 't believe , that it 's the way in which different religions have been in conflict for centuries that has caused me to feel this way . However he did agree with me when I said that I felt quite strongly that the praying was not so important as the way people lead their lives . You can lead an honest and unselfish life , always caring for others , without being religious . I 've just surprised myself by writing the previous two paragraphs . . . because I rarely get into any discussion about religion . It 's a personal issue as far as I am concerned . I respect people for their beliefs , and accept that it must be a great comfort at times to have this belief , but I hope that people respect my views too . I 've been hunting around for cheap flights . I desperately want to see my daughter and grandson sometime soon . I finally found flights with Pegasus to go to England on 20th November . Just for 8 days . . . but better than nothing . Of course I can 't afford it . . . but sometimes there are more important things in life than money . I can 't wait ! We packed the stock of Mesir Macunu into the car . We have small and large jars and also some packs of toffee type sweets ( also made from the same recipe ) . We also had 5kg of mesir macunu lokum ( turkish delight ) and we weighed this out into 200mg bags . So today he set off on a trip which will probably take about 4 days . He has taken a blanket and pillow with him and will sleep in the car to save money . I packed up as much food for him that wouldn 't go off , and some extra clothes . I 'm afraid personal hygiene won 't be at the top of his list of priorities over the next few days . . . but it won 't be noticed in the villages , where people don 't worry too much about such things ! He headed towards Muğla and then on for about 40km , stopping at villages along the way . It 's been a slow start , but it 's still early days yet . I think it will take a while yet before we actually start making money on this venture . Apart from the cost of petrol , in each village he has to pay the Muhtar for an announcement to be made on the public address system announcing his arrival . And he also has to buy tea in the teahouses . . . because it 's a good place to start . He told me this evening that he thinks he must have drunk around 20 glasses of tea today and he 's getting a bit sick of it . . . but needs must ! We get them here in the tourist industry of course . They complain about the flights , hotel accommodation , food , etc etc . Sometimes there is justification and matters have to be dealt with , but often it 's just petty moaning for the sake of it . I once mentioned in a blog post how some tourists in Antalya complained to their hotel manager about the early morning call to prayer from the mosque , and requested that it be " switched off " . . . how do you deal with that kind of complaint ? Yesterday morning we arrived at the hamam and made the decision to close the business . There are no more new customers at the hotel , and it 's time to call it a day . As we were busy packing up , a young girl came down to the hamam . She and her friend had the full packet of treatments earlier this week . I remembered her because she and her friend haggled over the price . I reduced it slightly but they weren 't satisfied so Mr A did it for half price . The treatments usually take around an hour in total . . at the most an hour and 15 minutes . The girls first complained that the sauna was too hot . They then complained that the water in the hamam wasn 't hot enough . At the end of their massages ( Mr A did one and Turan the other ) they said that they felt they were being rushed . . . in fact their treatments lasted almost 2 hours . To pacify them we explained that they had in fact had longer than normal , but if they were not satisfied they could return later in the day and we would give them another face mask and massage on the house . They didn 't return . So when this girl appeared yesterday morning , she said that her friend had a bruise under her eye and that Mr A had caused this when he massaged her face . I know that this is impossible . He doesn 't massage underneath the eyes because it is a sensitive area . The girl insisted that it was his fault . Mr A asked where the girl was , and could her friend bring her to the hamam so that we could have a look . " Oh she 's too upset to come here " replied the girl . . . . . . oh right ! The moaning and complaining went on for some time , and finally Mr A , actually feeling pretty stressed anyway at having to close up the business , finally snapped . He raised his voice and said that he could not accept that he had injured this girl and without seeing for ourselves , why should we believe what she was saying . The girl then became very insulting and said she was disgusted at our attitude and would not be spoken to in this manner . Mr A apologised for raising his voice , and said he would refund the " injured " girl 's money as a gesture of goodwill . The girl said she thought they should both get a refund ( even though she had been perfectly happy with her treatment ) . OK . . . said Mr A we will refund your money as well . The girl wanted the refund in English sterling and I explained that I didn 't have any on me at that time , but had some at home , that we were leaving yesterday but would ensure that the money was returned as soon as possible . I said it may be in the evening ( last night ) but I couldn 't promise because we were off on a long road trip but that it would be returned before they left the hotel . She still muttered on about our attitude and let slip that they were getting used to this , having had a similar experience with a waiter in Gumbet on another occasion where they had complained about the service . . . . oh do you see what I see here ? We packed up and took our things back to the house , and then set off for Manisa . With a couple of stops it took us 4 hours . During this time , the moaning girl had cornered Turan before he left and got him to ring me on my mobile so that she could talk to me . She moaned again about the situation and asked when I would be there with her money . I explained again . She then rang another 3 times saying the same thing . Each time I explained that we would make sure they had their money before the end of their holiday . We found the factory in Manisa and negotiated a good price for some stock for Mr A 's selling business . The guy we dealt with speaks excellent English , a bonus for me , because I can now deal with ordering and delivery of stock and leave Mr A free to sell . Then we set off on the long journey home . We stopped after an hour and as Mr A was getting back into the car he leaned on his seat and it collapsed . Funnily enough we had just been talking about how overweight he is and that he needs to start dieting . . . this incident confirmed it ! As we were trying to fix the seat , the bloody girl rang yet again . I told her that we were stuck trying to fix our car and that it was unlikely Mr A or I would be able to return to the hotel last night . " A likely story " she said " I could have told you this morning that you had no intention of refunding our money " . I asked her if she was accusing me of lying and she said yes . I had the call on speakerphone . Mr A heard every word . He took the phone from me and said to the girl " Madam it is very clear to me that you have accused me of something I didn 't do . You are now accusing my wife of being a liar . We have done all we can to please you but it 's not enough . I believe this is just an attempt to get your money back and that you are not being honest with me . I have now decided that I am not refunding your money . . . not one penny . So I 'm afraid you will just have to live with it " Not entirely satisfactory of course . I would rather this hadn 't happened on our last day of business . It 's left a bitter taste . Mr A is upset by it all , particularly because no - one . . . all season . . . has ever complained . Quite the opposite . We have had much praise for the treatments from very satisfied customers . Unable to fix the seat , Mr A had to drive with it propped up by the boxes of stock . we 'll need to get it fixed today . We finally arrived home just after midnight , fed the dogs and immediately fell asleep . The water went off at the same time but returned early afternoon . What was very strange though was that I managed to get my internet connection about an hour before the electricity came back on . I don 't know how that could have happened . . . perhaps there was just a little power coming through at the time . Who knows ? Mr Ayak returned home and discovered that the power had returned to the rest of the village and it seemed that it hadn 't reached our house for some strange reason . I didn 't mind too much . I was happy sitting in the dark because at least I was connected to the internet . But . . . typical man . . . he comes in . . . switches off all the trip switches and then back on again . . thinking this might do something . It did . . . it lost me my internet connection and we still didn 't have electricity . He phoned the electricity company and eventually power was restored . The in - laws left yesterday lunchtime . They have to make a detour on their journey to visit the elderly grandfather who has been in hospital . I am amazed at these grandparents , who are in their 90s and are still hanging on to life . I spoke to grandfather on the phone when we made the usual phone calls during Şeker Bayram . He and grandmother get quite emotional when they have phone calls and usually end up in tears . . . bless their hearts . We haven 't seen them for such a long time , and we really must try to make the journey soon . Mr A earned some money yesterday acting as a taxi service for one of the guests at the hotel , who had to make a round trip to Torba to collect his son . Mr A had to leave home at 6 . 30am yesterday to do this . He then did the same trip early evening . Other than that he only had two customers at the hamam yesterday . There 's nothing so far booked for today or tomorrow , and just one customer on Sunday , so I think we will be closing then . It 's really not worth spending money on fuel to get there now . The temperature is dropping at night now and I can feel winter just around the corner . I love this time of the year . The days are still very warm and it 's lovely being able to sit outside without suffocating in the heat . I can 't believe it 's the 1st October today . This year has flown by . I am desperately missing Billy and my daughter and we are hoping to scrape enough money together for an air ticket so that I can go over to see them within the next couple of months . . . another case of wait and see . I moved to Turkey from England in 1998 and married my Turkish husband in 1999 . We have lived in different areas of Turkey . In fact we have moved 15 times to date . My life in Turkey . The ups and downs , the trials and tribulations , the happy and the sad . . . . not forgetting the often disastrous adventures of Mr Ayak . My time is taken up these days with animal rescue . I had 11 rescue dogs at home until Dave , one of three rescued pups passed away on 11 January 2015 , so then there were 10 . On 30th November 2015 we brought home another dog found dumped on the streets , so back up to 11 dogs . Another rescue on 17th March 2016 now brings the total to 12 . We also feed as many strays as possible , in our village and beyond . If you would like to help with all this , please email me at lindaikaya @ hotmail . com for details . I welcome your comments . Since I started this blog I 've received good advice and reassurance from the blogging community , and some very kind messages . If you 're just a reader but not a blogger , think about starting your own blog . It 's great fun and very therapeutic . I 'd strongly recommend it ! I learned how to make gözleme when I worked in a cafe in Goreme , Cappadocia . It 's one of my favourite dishes . In the cafe we had a var . . . |
This is the journal of Max Wagner . While fighting to survive , Max journalizes his new life in Zombieville . Learn about how the world became overrun by these zombies , what Max is going through to survive , stories from people he met along the way , and his former life . The journal will be tweeted piece - by - piece on Twitter first . Follow twitter name ddnzombieville to be the first to read the journal . The journal will be posted here sometime afterwards for easier reading , or for you to catch up . Can 't get into this town . The families are here . I saw the vans , and backed off . I 'm on the outside looking in . Haven 't seen them light a fire yet so I 'm wondering if they are doing it . They do seem to be picking up more supplies . They better leave me something . At least they won 't be taking any cars . Again moms are watching the kids closely , and the dads are at work . Haven 't seen the young girl . Posted by What a terrible night . Chips and water didn 't mix well . Got little sleep in between throwing up and nightmares . I dreamt I had a huge birthday party . Family , friends , and people I didn 't even know . It was on a field I think . Somewhere I don 't know . Everyone seemed like they were having a good time . It was time to sing Happy Birthday . People gathered around the biggest cake you could imagine . Mom to my right , dad to my left , and Violet next to him . When the song ended , instead of people clapping , there was a bolt of lightening , and it insistently became dark . I turned and looked at mom , and there it was again . She was a zombie . Not only a zombie , but the lead zombie . She waved her hands , and laughed then everyone transformed . They were all zombies . I had nowhere to go . They knocked the cake off the table , and threw me on top . It was clear they were going to eat me , but I woke up before that could happen . I don 't remember much about the other dreams . No motivation to move on right now . Nor the strength . Looks like another day of just me and my thoughts . Posted by Is this a birthday present ? People ! 2 families it looked like . Family of looters . Stopped and took everything from the car I had . So much for coming back for it . I heard something coming , and hid in the bushes . Watched them as they went through the car . It is not fair , they had 2 cars . 2 vans . One had most of the people , and the other is where they were putting all the supplies they were stealing . It appeared to be 2 moms , 2 dads , 3 younger kids , and a young maybe teenaged girl . Not sure if there was anyone else still in the vans . The kids got out and stretched , while the moms watched them closely . The younger girl didn 't do much . The dads did the stealing . As soon as they were done , they all got back in the vans , and took off . I 'm not sure if they were the ones setting the fires , but they have to be . What are the odds of there being anyone else out here ? They could be part of a larger group , which is exactly what I am afraid of . They are out in front of me now , so I don 't have to worry about them sneaking up on me . I am going to stay off the road though . Just in case . Now it is time to celebrate my birthday . Stale chips , and nasty lake water . I thought I out grew birthdays , especially in college , but I would love to celebrate it now . A nice vanilla and chocolate cake . I could eat the whole thing myself . 2 or 3 cakes actually . Posted by Decided just to take what I need , and could carry . No way I could push that car . So back on foot it is . At least I got some rest , so I should be able to make it to my next stop without a problem . Could I find two cars in a row ? Am I really that lucky ? Doubt it . Not sure I 'm even lucky being alive . I could be dead and resting in peace . That is if the zombies don 't find me , and snack on me . On the brighter side of things , it is starting to get cooler outside . I am going to need to find some clothes . Maybe something warmer which is usually a pain to carry around . Too warm to wear it in the daytime , but need it at night . It is so nice and cold at night that I just want to sleep forever . Can 't because the dreams , and my internal alarm waking me up to check if everything is ok , I don 't sleep too much at one time . I really need to find a better way t I think I got the most out of that car . Came up just short of this town . I was really hoping to make it because I have all these supplies with me . Thinking about pushing the car the rest of the way , but I 'm not sure it is worth it . Don 't think I have the strength or energy for that either . Decisions decisions . Posted by Looks like I got out of there in time . Not far down the road I noticed something in the mirror . I stopped the car to get out , and take a look . There was a huge cloud of smoke . Who ever is setting the fires must have gotten there right after I left . I thought about turning around , but decided against it . Not sure what the story is with all the fire . Is it a signal ? Are they burning something in particular ? Frying zombies maybe ? I got back in the car , and took off before they headed this way . Not sure if they saw me . Resting for now before I get moving again . Don 't want to fall asleep again , and crash the car . Posted by Jackpot ! Found a little car , and I got the keys . Only about half a tank of gas , so I am checking the map closely to get the most out of it . Can 't waste my time taking a wrong turn , or going down the wrong path . Loaded it up , and leaving shortly . Posted by What a shocker . No one in this town either . At least none that will show themselves . Got myself some nice new pens . Some of the cheap ones go fast . Also , found a little store that still hadn 't been raided . Got some old cereal , and chips . Always exciting on the stomach . Better than grass though . You know what smells bad . Milk . I was curious and opened one , and it was terrible . Thinking I could use them to throw off my smell if zombies are on to me so I took a few of the smaller cartons of milk . If I could find a working car , I could take more of this stuff . Going to look in the morning . Dark now so I 'm locked in here for the night . Hopefully I can get a good nights rest . No nightmares please . Posted by Yesterday was a good day . I decided to go a little off course and follow this sign to a lake . I needed water and a bath . Really needed a bath . It was so refreshing . It was like finding the fountain of youth . I swam around like I was just one of the fish . It was really cold , but that wasn 't going to stop me . I washed my clothes , and filled up some water bottles . Disgusting to drink , but I don 't really have a choice . Now I 'm freezing . I can 't start a fire to save my life , literally . Before I forget , must make note of some smoke I have seen in the distance . I have seen it recently while walking down the road . Not sure what to make of it . Sign of people , but I have become very cautious of people . With zombies you always know what their intentions are . With people you never know . It would be nice to be around people , but that is only if they are friendly . I am going to mind my business , and continue on my mission for now . That is if I don 't freeze to death first . Walking walking walking . I will be in good shape . I 'm like a giraffe . Maybe more like a cow . I have been eating leaves , and grass . There is nothing out here , and I 'm out of the little food I had . I 'm walking and getting nowhere fast . I see a sign every once in a while , but the miles seem to never shrink . I need transportation . Call a cab . There is too much time to think . All I do is think and it is driving me crazy . I try singing but that doesn 't last long . I don 't remember the last time I heard a song . Radio went to emergency broadcast systems then just died along time ago . I haven 't even turned a radio on in any of these cars . No point . Just like the TV 's . No point . The only media is my journal . I wonder if any other survivors are documenting their struggles . If someone finds them when we are long gone , they could be part of an ugly time in history . They would probably burn them . Hide what happened . No one would want to remember this . Or they could become part of the rare evidence of what happened . Proof that this wasn 't a lie . A nightmare . And I am ruining it with this stupidity I keep writing . The things I have done , and written . Well , it 's the truth . If you are reading this it is THE TRUTH . I can 't make this shit up . PS you took too long to save us . Next time take the threat of zombies seriously . You can 't take things for granted . I thought it was a pain in the ass to pack up my things , put them on a plane , and go to college . Walking home is an even bigger pain . And I had a slight fear of flying . I would love to be on a plane now . I remember getting on the flight to college . I was already nervous just with the whole life change . A new state , new home , new friends . Would I make friends ? Would college be hard ? Would I miss home ? Mom knew I was nervous . She spent the whole flight trying to get my mind off of school . She talked about the news , the stock market , and even sports . Not that she was an expert in any of those things . Then she couldn 't help but give me cooking tips . Something she did know about . Like I was going to be a cook in college . I was on one of those meal plans . I should have cooked . It would have been better than that crap . Would love some of that crap now . The plane hit some turbulence and I almost shit my pants . That was the only time I was on a plane since I was little . I thought we were going down for sure . Mom was saying it was normal , and I thought she was nuts . She said it was like speed bumps in the road , but in the air . That was probably the most scared I had been until the zombies took over . I closed the window . I don 't understand why we had to have a seat by the window . At that point you couldn 't even see the ground . We could have crashed into anything . A building , homes , the highway , one of these stupid fields , a lake , or the ocean . All bad scenarios . Certain death I told her . Then it all went away and she spent the rest of the flight making fun of me . Laugh at my expense . I would take that now . She could laugh at me all day , and night . Oh mom , I had to take the flight home alone when she passed away . She would have been proud . The turbulence didn 't get to me . I cheated , my mind just was on other things . I couldn 't care about turbulence at that moment . It was a long flight though . The flight attendant knew something was wrong with me . She kept asking if I was ok . I kHorrO Found a couple of cars that had a terrible accident . No way anyone survived . Blood all over the place . One car must have exploded . It looks like a zombie or two fed on the road kill . One of the bodies had its guts just ripped out . It is disgusting to think that what was once a human is eating a human . Is it cannibalism then ? And eating it raw ! I wonder why these zombies need to eat us . Why not animals ? Maybe they eat animals , and I just never stick around to see it . I haven 't seen many animals around either . I wonder how long the zombies will survive once all of us humans are gone . Maybe I just need to out last them . They have to die eventually . They can 't reproduce . Or can they ? That may be an even more disgusting thought then them eating people . Then having little zombie kids . I 'm crazy . That can 't happen . They will die off . It is just a matter of when . Hopefully soon . Time to hit the road again . I am going to try not to think of zombie love . Nights are scary out in the middle of nowhere . No shelter to hide in . Good thing I don 't sleep too long , even though I 'm tired as hell . This is a long stretch of nothing but fields . I guess there is nothing out here for the zombies . Except me . Posted by Collecting things as I go . Really needed some new shoes . The only ones that I could find in my size I had to pull off a dead guy . Not my idea of shoe shopping . They smell worse than my shoes after football practice . Having a hard time finding keys to a vehicle . When I do , they are usually in a car that has no gas , or crashed and won 't start . This is going to be a long walk . So off I go . Day 1 of my mission to get home . Posted by This is going to be a long trip . I 'm not even sure how I 'm going to do this . Are there enough cars left to get me home ? What is the shortest route home ? I am not an expert with maps . I don 't even think I have the energy for this . I got to think . So hard when my head hurts , and I can 't sleep . Oklahoma to North Carolina the hard way ! Where to go in Zombieville ? Anyone ? Anyone ? I could head to the west . Maybe the heat of Arizombia . Maybe gamble in Las Zombas ? How about becoming a star in ZombieWood ? I could continue north . Maybe North or South Deadota ? Could go to Indeada ? How about Zennessee , or Lifeless Island ? I could see if our government is still functioning in Washington , District of the Deceased . Departware ? Not so Marry - land ? The big lights of the Big Apple , New Undead City . Home . Home is where the heart is right ? It would be nice to be home . Good old North Carolina . No zombies allowed ! ! ! Posted by Why the nightmares ? Those girls are still on my mind . They actually got their revenge last night . I was stuck . Couldn 't move for some reason . The one girl said , " How does it feel not being able to walk ? " Then the other said , " forget not walking , he 's about to feel death ! " I tried to tell them I didn 't kill them , but they just laughed . Then one jumped on me and bit into my neck , while the other went for my leg . Just before I woke up I had the feeling my mom was in the background with a grin on her face . I wish I could control when I wake up . Still not sure why mom keeps appearing in my dreams . Maybe my guilt is still inside me somewhere . Even with all this bullshit going on , I blame myself . I don 't know what I can do to fix things . Is there anything to fix ? I 'm stuck in the middle of nowhere . No one to talk to . No one to get advice from . I just have to keep moving . There has to be someone out there . No way in hell I 'm the last man standing . Posted by Damn those little girls . That is what I get for being so curious . They weren 't dead , and the family wasn 't protecting them . They were protecting themselves from the girls . I don 't know why they didn 't move when I was up there , but they sure as hell moved when I wasn 't paying attention . I was lucky that there was a mirror on the wall in front of me . I saw one of them just in time to turn around . Usually they make tons of noise because they just come running at you , but this one was sneaking up on me . I felt bad doing it , but I turned around and smashed one of the pictures right over her head . It stunned her just enough for me to pick up the lamp , and finish her off . I grabbed my stuff , and headed for the door . As I came around the corner , the other girl came crashing down the stairs . She wasn 't as slick as her sister . Not enough coordination to handle the stairs . I passed her , opened the door half way , but then stopped . I had to kill her as well . Or maybe not . I slid a nearby bookshelf over to her , and let it fall over her legs . If she can 't walk , she wouldn 't be able to follow me . It was bad enough killing one little girl , none the less two . That is the first time I have had to kill a zombie child . It doesn 't feel good , even if she was already dead . Not to mention I had just been looking at their family pictures . This is just so messed up . Why did this have to happen ? Why am I continuously put in these fucked up positions ? What if someone had to do that to Violet ? I I I would be furious , but I would have to understand . God ? ? ? ? Posted by Found another farm in the middle of nowhere . No peanuts left . Nothing really left . Except the two little girls I found locked in a room upstairs . Apparently they starved to death . There appeared to be some food that they ate , but it wasn 't enough . One was dead on the bed , and the other was by the door . Their parents must have locked them in there for their protection . Not only was it locked , but they filled the hallway with every piece of furniture they had . I guess they didn 't want anyone getting close to that room . Of course , I couldn 't help myself . I moved everything to see why it was blocked off . Could have been a dumb move . Instead , it was just sad , and depressing . Sitting here on their couch , I can see a bunch of family pictures . They were probably a happy farming family before . The 2 girls had some older brothers I think . Their father was probably a hard working man , and their mother wa Posted by Nothing to do but think so I was just thinking about when all this madness started for me . I just got back to college after my mom 's funeral . It was too hard being at home so I decided to go back to school . Maybe it would keep my mind off what had just happened . Weird things were happening already , but nobody was really paying close attention to it yet . The point was to go to class , but I wasn 't ready for that yet . I would just sit in the room staring out the window . Then we all got an alert that there was a fight somewhere on campus , and the school was investigating . I barely paid attention to it . None of my friends really knew what happened either . The next thing I know I was sitting by the window and noticed smoke coming from the dorm across the street . Then students came pouring out of the building . They all gathered outside watching the building become overtaken by fire . I was waiting for the fire department , or police , but they never came . Some administrators were there , but they didn 't seem to know what to do . All the sudden the crowd went nuts . Yelling and screaming , and then it dispersed . There were only a few people left . I had to look really hard to see , but it looked like one person was on top of another beating the hell out of them . A couple of other people just stood there watching . At the time , I didn 't know what was happening , but I do now . It was a hungry zombie . It jumped off its victim , and latched onto one of those stupid bystanders . I hadn 't noticed , but most of the people in our dorm had evacuated . I am not sure what made me do it , but I emptied my book bag , and then filled it with everything we had in the frig . I left the building like everyone else , but wasn 't sure where to go . Still no police . School staff was hard to find . Students were just running all around . Then a few of my friends stopped me , and told me they were getting in the car to leave . I didn 't care so I went with them . Apparently I graduated that day because that was the last time I saw that school . We fought tHorrO Not many people escaped that town so I was able to find a car . A pick up truck . Probably came to town to pick up supplies . Sad knowing that they didn 't make it . I need to find people that have made it . I think I may be going nuts from the loneliness , and the nightmares . My head is killing me . That town didn 't have much . I need to find a better town than that one . Is there any safe place left to go in Zombieville ? Posted by Since sleeping is now more unpleasant than ever , I decided to make my way through town . A lot of dead bodies , body parts , and blood . Been decaying for a long time now . Looks like these people may not have known about the zombies , and were taken by surprise . Not a shock being out here in the middle of nowhere . Actually more bodies than I would have thought for this small area . I got what I could find , and tomorrow I 'm out of here . Posted by Nightmares a plenty . I can 't escape them . It 's like when I bumped my head , it jarred lose the madness in my mind . Sometimes I can remember what the dreams were about , and sometimes I just wake up with a bad feeling . In one dream I was watching dogs , lots of dogs . Then those dogs became zombies . The zombies then became dogs . Back and forth . Then they were attacking all these people . Ripping them to pieces . One second it was a dog chewing on someone 's leg , then it was a zombie . Then I dreamt I was back in that pet store looking for a new dog . Thing was all the dogs had human faces that turned zombie . I even complained to the manager . That was when I realized the manager was my mom . My confusion must have woke me up . That is the first time I have dreamt of her in a long time . Makes me remember the good old days . Just anything with the family , even in those moments that weren 't our finest . I would take them . To be Posted by Holding up in another store . What 's new ? Apparently this is another small town . I haven 't seen much yet . Kind of just want to rest for a while . This is safer than in some bushes . Yea , I think I 'm going to rest while I can . Posted by So that wasn 't a good idea . Apparently all the noise the tractor made attracted the few zombies that there were around here . They came running right at it . I was able to run one of them over . I used my new stick to fend off the others from climbing up on it . One almost bit my leg . It was so close . Another got its leg run over . It fell to the floor and made a terrible sound . I think it then was going to crawl after me . Motivation ! I finally got the tractor to kick into a higher gear , and was able to stay ahead of them . Again motivation ! I don 't know how long they kept chasing me . Every time I looked back , they were there . Finally I looked back and they were gone . I just kept going until this thing finally quit on me . Now I 'm worried because I 'm on foot again , and I know there are zombies out there . Maybe I should have turned around and killed them . That just hasn 't been my strategy though . I am closer to the town now . I think . I hope . Maybe that is where they came from . Not good . Posted by Look what I 've found a couple of tractors out in this field . Never operated one . Sitting on top of one now . These things are bigger than I imagined . Only one of them will start . I want to ride it , but I 'm not sure about keeping control of it . Also , a little afraid of falling off of it . It is transportation . Posted by In the short time I slept last night I had so many nightmares . One was that a zombie found me sleeping . I was watching him watching me sleeping . Does that make sense ? Whatever . He just stood there drooling while looking at the hole in my head . He even got close up , and drooled all over me including on my wound . I guess I am a hard sleeper in my dreams . I don 't know what was stopping him from sinking his teeth into me , but even in my dreams I 'm glad he didn 't attack me . He was probably as hungry as I am now . Another dream started off well . I took Violet to the movies . Then we had ice cream followed by a walk down the boardwalk . That was when it got weird . We just kept walking and walking and walking . There was no end to it . Then you hear them coming . Like an army of them . Just the sound of their feet stomping on the boardwalk , but we couldn 't tell where they were coming from . We started running , but we were going nowhere fast . Then she disappeared . I screamed for her , but nothing . The sound of the zombies charging stopped too . All I could hear was them chewing on something . Of course I feared it was Violet . I fell to my knees and screamed . That was when I woke up for the last time . I haven 't slept since . Posted by Not much to laugh at these days , but I amused myself today . I found this nice strong stick , and have been using it as a walking cane . Suddenly I have become an old man . It is doing the trick . When I get dizzy it helps hold me up . You just have to laugh at yourself sometimes . At this pace , I am going nowhere quickly . I checked my map and still have a lot to go before the next town . Not sure I want to go to town . Need food and supplies , but towns usually mean zombies . I am in no condition to fight them off right now . Still feel like this is the beginning of the end . Posted by Still alive , but my head hurts so much that I might feel better being dead . I have no more medicine , not even something strong to drink . This is one of those times when you wish someone were around . They could check out my head . Feels like a good hole . Lost more blood than I thought . I checked my shirt , and it was soaked . No wonder why I passed out . Apparently I am on the road to nowhere . I haven 't seen anything . I don 't know how Crowley lived out here so far from civilization . I have walked past the mess left by the tornado . Rest time now then onward ! What a fool I am ! All this time I 'm worried about zombies killing me , but I should worry about killing myself . Maybe it was just because I was tired , but I took a misstep and fell backwards . Hit my head pretty good . I don 't know how long I was out cold . That is terrible . I was an easy picking for the zombies . Thankfully there are still no signs of them . Lost some blood . My head is partly cloudy , which is making writing hard right now . I just wanted to note the head injury in case this is it for me . I didn 't die heroically , by natural causes , or even unnatural causes . I died cause I wasn 't paying attention . Good going ! Posted by So I have begun my journey down the road , or around the road . I never imagined what a mess a tornado could make . There is debris everywhere . Trees , dirt , pieces of homes , and things that couldn 't have been from around here . I stopped to rest by one of the few trees still standing , and then saw something interesting . I looked up in the tree and there was 2 zombies , or the remains of 2 zombies just hanging there . I was right . The tornado tore off most of there skin . There was just enough left to tell they were zombies , but were mostly just bones now . I couldn 't tell , but I don 't think all of their body parts were there . Who knows where they landed ? No sign of Crowley . I feel guilty for leaving him , plus we weren 't exactly at the height of our friendship . Like the others , he is just a memory now . Hopefully the only memory left of him isn 't just in this journal . Posted by You are never going to believe what happened now . I was out in the field with Crowley on his side and me on my side when I heard this commotion going on . At first I just thought it was Crowley , but it was zombies . They were running right in our direction . Before I knew it , I yelled for Crowley to run , and took off . He didn 't follow , and I felt bad leaving him alone , but I was defenseless out in the field . I turned to run so fast that I didn 't notice what the true commotion was about . The zombies weren 't coming after us , they were running from a tornado that was coming up quickly behind them . Finally , something that brought fear to the zombies . I guess it was pure instinct that they knew to run from it . I wish I had more time to enjoy their fear , but I had plenty to fear myself . Thankfully Crowley 's farm has a storm shelter . I usually kept the keys with me , but not on that day . I ran into the house , grabbed the keys and my bag , and ran to the shelter . As I stepped inside I glanced up , and saw the zombies spread out running for their lives . Their lives ? Are they alive ? Regardless , they definitely couldn 't care less about me . I closed the door . Crowley must have been through this before because the door was well secured , and the shelter was stocked with very old food . I had come down there once before mostly out of curiosity . I am glad I had the sense to leave all of the food down there , even if it is hard to eat . There was only a small crack of light coming in , and I curled up in the corner . Seconds later , I could hear the house getting torn apart . Poor Crowley . Both his home , and himself blow away by a tornado . I had never been through anything like that before . We had some close calls with hurricanes back home , but they never reached us . So I 'm sitting here on what was the bathtub wondering what to do next ? Nothing but open field as far as I can see . I could stay here in the shelter a little longer , but it isn 't going to hold me forever . All the crops are gone . Hopefully the tornado got all the zombHorrO I knew this day would be coming . Crowley and I had a big fight yesterday . He just doesn 't do enough work around here . Always watching but not working . I don 't know how he survived before I came along . I feel bad because he is older , but like I said before " I am not going to be a slave again ! " We agreed or I decided that for now on we farm what ever we are going to eat . I have my side and he has his . Obviously he has more experience than I do , but I will just have to do the best I can . I have already learned a lot . This kind of reminds me of one of my college roommates . In my freshman year , it actually worked out all right . The next year was a battle . John Murphy Love . I had no love for him . I don 't think many people did . For someone with love in their name , you would have thought he would have been nicer . Forget that . Complete ass ! Always thought I was using his stuff . Always complained about the TV shows I watched , or music I played . Ha , I even remember when he thought I was wearing his clothes . If being an ass didn 't detour the girls , his clothes did . I don 't even know where you buy clothes that ugly . He was just different . At times I wanted to feel sorry for him , but in the end he was just an ass . I can 't believe we actually had to divide the room . Even the frig . It was ridiculous . I couldn 't bring friends back to the room because there wasn 't enough room on my side . I am surprised that we never got into a physical fight . He had a big mouth , but couldn 't back it up . I bet he made a great zombie though . No shot he didn 't become one . It was just an extremely long year . I hope things aren 't going to be that bad with Crowley . Not sure what I would do . City to the farm . Farming life is not easy . I always worried how it would be working 9 to 5 at a desk . This is crazy . Working all day in the sun is not for me . Good thing there is water here . Both for the plants and me . It is so quiet out here . Quiet in the city too but it 's a different quiet . All the work has me sleeping more than I have in a while . Kind of worries me . I don 't want a sneak attack by zombies while I 'm out cold . Crowley doesn 't sleep much , and is always on the look out . Just not convinced he would warn me of an attack in time . Now that I think of it , I haven 't really prepared us for an attack . I 'm going to do that now before I forget . Alive to see another month begin . Unbelievable . No signs of any zombies yet . Just Farmer Max and Farmer Crowley and our peanuts . Finally got Crowley to talk . The more bored we get , the more he seems to talk . Just not when we are working . He takes that seriously . Not that interesting a guy , but a lucky one . He hasn 't been attacked by any zombies . He won 't talk about what happened to the others on the farm . Not sure if they were killed , or just left . Give him credit for staying here alone . Guess he is one of those people that refuse to leave home no matter what . I wonder if leaving home was the right thing for me to do . It was to go to college , not running away from zombies . That is still a form of running away . Ran away again after mom 's funeral . Didn 't realize until now I 'm a runner . Run from zombies too . Run , run , run . Posted by I can 't resist any longer . That feeling of not having to write didn 't last long . Didn 't realize how attached I am to the journal . Plus , I had to get away from Crowley today . Sometimes he 's so quiet it creeps me out . He likes watching me work a lot too . Not sure what that is all about . At least he doesn 't give me orders . I didn 't realize a farm could produce so many peanuts . That seems to be the biggest thing Crowley has been growing . And they seem to last long too . I wish I could figure out how to make some peanut butter . It has been a steady diet of peanuts . I just keep going through all these bags of them . Some are still ok while others are bad . Not sure how long they have been here . There are some other trees but they are all dead , and Crowley doesn 't seem interested in messing with them . I guess they take more work to grow then he wants to deal with . I don 't know . This is the first time I have worked on a farm . Lots of first times happening in my life . Never thought I would be growing peanuts . So much for that college education . Oh well . Well . There is a well here too . The water actually tastes good . Life is not bad for now . Better go check on Crowley . He will stay out in the field forever if you let him . Posted by Now that I have Mr . Crowley to talk to , I don 't feel the need to write as much . He is cool , but quiet . So far so good . Lots of work to keep us busy . Still alive . Posted by Just had enough gas to get into Oklahoma . It was a walk from there . I felt like a camel dragging along a couple of those bags . It was a scary walk because it was nothing but road and fields . Nowhere to hide . As usual didn 't sleep much . I stopped at the first house I found . I approached with caution . Before I got up to the house , what did I find ? The owner sitting in the field . It was odd , but he was actually working like nothing was going on . I tried talking to him , but he has turned out not to be much of a talker . He didn 't object to me staying with him as long as I did most of the work . I guess he was tired of maintaining the farm by himself for so long . That 's ok . As long as he doesn 't think I am a slave . Not going through that again . So I have unpacked some of those bags , and made myself comfortable . I am going to keep an eye on my new friend though . Hopefully we can work together . On the road to Oklahoma . What a struggle . Zombies didn 't make it easy . They were all over the place . It was a game of hide and seek . A few got too close for comfort , but I was able to get away . One of them must have been a football player because it surprised the shit out of me , and tackled me . Usually I have some type of weapon with me , but not this time . It was just one on one . Until I pulled out one of my pens that was in my pocket instead of inside my bag . I was able to get it out , and stab that creature . The only place I could hit it was in the side of the head . Ended up barely pinning his earlobe to his head . Note - lucky to have the pen , but doesn 't make the best weapon . It did faze him enough to knock him off of me . Their skin is nasty . It almost melts off of them and onto you when you hit them . It was really hard struggling with it , and not swallowing any of the nastiness that was dripping off of it . Anyway I got to my feet , and then picked up a chair . I whacked him in the head , and then kicked him through the sliding glass door . Then I decided what a better time then now to run a little experiment . I hit him again with the chair , and used it to shove him into the dark pool . Sink or drown ? It actually was doing a good doggy paddle like Jack used to do , but it never made it to the shallow end . And I thought the pool was nasty before the zombie fell in it . I usually stand by the theory that it is better to run away when I get the chance , but I thought it might come in handy to know if they can swim . So if I die , and you are reading this right now , try pushing them into water . I know it was just one of them , but maybe it will work on others . So back to the point . After that encounter , I moved down a few houses , and found this really old Expedition . Most people stopped using anything that wasn 't a hybrid after gas got too expensive . These owners stopped using it because they were dead . Apparently they were about to leave , but the zombies got to them first . A guy , or the left overs of a guy , was all arouHorrO Got a map , but it would be more helpful if I knew where the hell I was . I think I found the general area . Never had a sense of direction . Now I can figure out where I 'm going to go . Hopefully to a zombie free zone . I wrote Zombieville at the top of the map so that way I won 't forget where I 'm really at . Grabbed more pens , and an extra map or 2 , and I 'm ready to move again . Posted by Nothing complicated about this plan . Get the hell out of dodge . I am still not feeling that great , but I am not staying here . Too many weird things going on . I am making progress . In another store , but closer to getting out of this business district , and into a residential area . I can 't find a car anywhere . Looks like a lot of people already got out of dodge . Sitting here , I 'm looking around . I wonder how long this store was open ? They couldn 't have sold that much . Who the hell buys all these souvenirs ? All this stuff with visit this state , visit that state . Go USA ! There is no more USA . They would have been better off selling stuff with the United States of Zombies . Or United Zombie Nation . Even better Welcome to Zombieville ! This may be the last thing you ever read ! Too bad the zombies can 't buy anything . Maybe Finally found a dam map . This place wasn 't as useless as I thought . Posted by Fucking zombies . Scared the shit out of me . Minding my own business looking for some birdseed to eat when they came running by . Probably chasing someone . I froze in that spot for probably an hour staring at the windows . I have the door secured , but they could come through the windows at anytime . Finally got the courage up to look outside . Thankfully no sign of them . This city obviously has too many zombies around . I need to get out of here . Time for a plan . Rain ! Oh how nice it is to see some rain . It has been a while since I have seen any rain . What good timing . This dog food is so dry , and there isn 't much to drink in here . I didn 't want to open the door , but I couldn 't resist . I put some of the dog bowls outside to collect water . I really wanted to go run in the rain and wash off , but I couldn 't risk it . It is hard to see , and hear them coming . Frank made that mistake . We were held up in this house when it started raining . Frank couldn 't help himself . He ran right out into the rain . It was all good for a while . So good that others were about to join him when all of the sudden he was gone . He never saw them coming . I don 't think anyone even heard a scream . That started a zombie frenzy . I guess they knew we were around there somewhere , but the rain was making it hard for them to find us . I don 't remember how we got out of there . I know it wasn 't until it stopped raining because I don 't remember running through the rain . Better off that I don 't remember . Too many bad memories already . This pet shop will be a bad memory for sure . Posted by God I miss Jack . I got him when I was about 8 , 9 , maybe 10 . Somewhere around there . Whether it was for my birthday , or Christmas , I always asked for a dog . Mom seemed cool with it . She had several of them when she was growing up . Dad was more hesitate . He wanted to wait until he thought I would be responsible for it . I guess he knew he would end up taking the dog for walks all the time . He was right , but he eventually loved it . He went running with Jack on weekends all the time . I was the happiest kid on the planet when my mom opened the box , and this little black creature started barking . I wanted to name him Pirate , but my mom said I was pushing my luck with that name . So instead I named him Jack after my favorite pirate . I loved kicking the ball around in the backyard , and watching Jack run after it trying to bite it . Then there was tug - of - war with the dog bones . Amazing how aggressive he could be with the bone , but no matter how close I put my hand to his mouth , he never bit me . He wouldn 't harm any of us , but he would fight to the death for us . That is why we couldn 't let him go . My parents knew it would kill me if they put Jack asleep . I know it was a tough decision for many families . I don 't know how they lived with getting rid of their dogs . It is like getting rid of a family member . A lot of people were getting sick , so I guess they did what they had to do . My dad said as long as none of us showed signs of getting sick , we would stick it out . Really sucks for the people that put their dogs to sleep , and then saw that a vaccine came out in only about a year 's time . I am sure those people were pissed . Once the vaccine came out , mom made sure that the entire family got it . Unfortunately , maybe fortunately , I could not get it . Apparently there was something in it that the doctor said I couldn 't have . I think dad still wanted me to get it , but mom said , " If the doc says no , then no . " Too bad the doc didn 't say no for all the vaccines . Mom , dad , and Violet all got the vaccine . I heard that therHorrO Isn 't April 1st April Fools Day ? I wish someone was fooling me right now , and all of this would end . I didn 't get too far . Only a couple of blocks down . I started feeling sick again . The headaches have restarted . Damn do they hurt . It is always from the lack of sleep , and food . I am now in a pet shop , and it smells like shit . It has been a long time since I have seen any animals , but this definitely is not the way you want to see them . There are dead dogs and cats in some of the cages . Unfiltered fish tanks . A dead body decaying in the storage room . To top it off , I forced myself to eat some of the dog food . I had to eat something before my head exploded . I don 't know if it tastes that horrible because it is that bad , or because it is old and stale . No wonder why Jack never wanted to eat . This is no joke , this is a nightmare ! I am writing to note that I am moving on . There is nothing else for me in this store , and I need to go look for more food . I am very concerned about those zombies . I have no clue what is going on out there . There have been many times that I thought the zombies didn 't know I was there only to find out that they were actually following me . I need to move as quickly as possible . Here I go again . Posted by I spent all day yesterday on the look out for zombies . I 'm kind of afraid to move from here since that massacre the other day . I don 't know where all those zombies went . As I stared outside , I was thinking about what my world should be like . I should have graduated from college . I should have a job . I should be hitting the bars looking for girls . I should be spending Sunday 's watching football . I should be able to go home and visit the family . I should be able to go to the movies on the weekends with my friends . I should be able to sit down to a nice hot meal . I should be able to take a nice long bath . I should be able to go to the store , and buy some new clothes . I should be able to use the bathroom like a normal person . I should I should I should ! It is so frustrating knowing what should have been . Posted by It finally happened . A zombie attack . Thankfully not on me , but I was a lot closer than I wanted to be . I just woke up from a nap when I heard some screams . Nights are always more dangerous than days . I was lucky not to get caught napping . I crawled over to the window and looked out . This apartment building was raided by zombies . They apparently went through the windows . The screams were horrible . A couple of people made it out , and were being chased of course . One started in my direction , but was tackled before getting here . I got an up close look at the zombies ripping this person apart . I am not sure how they decide when to kill someone , or just wound them leading them to becoming a fellow zombie . Well , this person wasn 't going to be a zombie . They tore his legs off . One of his arms . Just biting and biting into him . Blood was pouring out . Pieces of him scattered all over the place . Not sure why they didn 't pick up my smell . Maybe because I haven 't taken a shower in a long time . Also I was going through the garbage in the morning . Garbage seems to work I guess . The zombies seemed like they got everyone because most of them strolled slowly out after the screams stopped . Not sure if those few others that made it out found safety . The way the people are around here , I doubt anyone helped them . Not that I helped either . I stayed on the look out for the rest of the night . The zombies just kind of roamed around . I am not sure what they were doing . So many of them were covered in blood . Clothes barely still attached to them . Many of them wounded . Probably how they became zombies in the first place . Sometimes you can tell the difference between the people that became zombies from being attacked , and the people that became zombies from the vaccine . I am not sure , but the ones that were attacked seem to be more aggressive . I think Saw some people today . Went up to this building 's door and tried to open it . They freaked out and started yelling . Once they realized I wasn 't a zombie , the craziness turned to anger . They cursed at me , and told me to get lost . They weren 't taking in any more strays . Think someone pulled a gun too , but I wasn 't going to stick around to find out . I have had enough of guns to last a lifetime . Still feel eyes watching me . I guess they aren 't so friendly around here either . What ever happened to people helping people ? Oh well , I 'm one to talk . I am happy to be by myself for now . Just me and my journal . Posted by Scored some loot today . Found old cereal as usual . Nasty old chips which will cause more stomach problems than usual . Plenty of soda . Guess people couldn 't drink warm soda . You can 't really be too picky . Got to eat . No home yet . Dangerously staying in stores . Roaming streets . I can feel eyes watching me as I walk around . I am taking it slow . I don 't want to fall victim to any more crazy people . No zombie sightings yet , but I am getting that feeling again . It is only a matter of time . There are people around , and they are staying hidden for a reason . Back on the look out now . Posted by Finally back to a city . Glad I got past all those damn little towns . I don 't know what is crazier , dealing with zombies or those insane hunters . Hopefully that will remain a thing of the past . Now I need to find out how safe it is here . So far my experiences have told me that big cities equal lots of zombies . There are usually people hiding somewhere too . I am realizing that the longer the world remains like this , the more desperate people are becoming . I guess supplies and food are starting to disappear , or people are just getting anxious about it . Maybe I can make a home here for at least a little while . I am not sure if I should go back to trying to stay in one place as long as possible , or just keep moving . I guess I will just see what this city tells me to do . Posted by I drove as far as that car would take me , and then I found the next , and the next , and the next . I don 't think anyone followed me . It was like I broke out of jail . I tried to take a route that they hadn 't gone down , but I knew I wasn 't safe until I found areas that weren 't cleaned out . I finally found some stuff to eat and drink , and get me on the way . I have no idea what I left behind . If anyone survived , I 'm sure they would hunt me down just like they hunted those zombies . I can 't look back now , I just have to move forward or everything I did will be for nothing . I wish I knew what was going on out there in the world . Radios and TVs don 't work . Phones neither . I try when I find them , but no luck . The last time I saw TV was a news piece at a hospital . It started off well , but then went horribly wrong . The reporter was interviewing a guy in bed when all of the sudden a guy came flying out from the curtain behind them , and jumped on the guy . He started biting and clawing at him . The reporter tried to be brave and jump in there to save him , but that was a mistake . The reporter got thrown off the bed , and he slammed his head against the side of the table . Probably broke his neck . What I never understood was why the cameraman kept shooting . Or why they kept showing the craziness . They didn 't stop until the zombie apparently took out the cameraman . The last thing I saw was a view from the camera on the floor shooting the feet of the zombie running into the hallway . I heard one last scream , but they went back to the studio . Wow , those were two stunned newscasters . For once , they didn 't know what to say . Like me sometimes . Being all alone . Sometimes there is nothing to say . I just stare at the wall , at the sky , or into the distance . Nothing to say , do , or think . Sometimes nothing to even write about . I just stare at the page . Or sometimes I just try not to think about all the horrible things that have happened . Posted by Oh it is good to be back writing , and thinking freely . Hell to be free again . I wasn 't having any of that waiting on the hunters day and night shit . Knocking me out , and treating me like crap wasn 't going to get my loyalty . Thought I was stupid too , but I quickly figured them out . At first , I really thought they let me keep the journal because they didn 't care , or need it . Turned out they let me keep it to keep track of what I was thinking . Not surprising , they were always so paranoid . It wasn 't long before I figured out someone was reading my journal . I think they did it mostly at feeding time , and I think it was my asshole guard too . After leading me to the feeding place , he would always quickly disappear , and soon came back like he was in a hurry . Stupid bastard wasn 't a good actor . And maybe it would have been nice if someone told him that if you pick up something that you aren 't suppose to touch , you should put it back the same way you found it . So I wasn 't sure what my plan would be at first , but I decided to start writing more positive things about them . I thought the quickest way to show them I was on their side was to join the zombie - bashing club . Then I had to find a specific person who would trust me enough for me to get a little information from , and so that I could plant ideas in their heads . I actually feel a little , just a little sorry for Joe Malone . He wasn 't the worst of the bunch . He had an honest reason for hating the zombies so much . He saw them kill his wife , turn his little girl into a zombie , and then watch his best friend have to shoot her . Sorry again Joe . Back to the point . So I wrote that I wanted to hunt with them . To show I wanted to be one of them . I tried to be a good little gatherer . Did what they said , and caused no problems . Actually , I got lucky when they started fighting about leaving , and then luckier when poor Chuck basically killed himself . I kind of had the plan , but I just needed the right moment . Plus , it was an experiment that I wasn 't sure would work . Posted by One of the other gathers told me that curiosity got the best of Chuck . He had always wanted to know more about the forbidden girl . They said he was going a little crazy anyway . I don 't blame him , it is pretty easy to go crazy around here . Still no one is sure what exactly he did before getting shot to death . Joe has told me a lot of things , but he refuses to talk about this . I think he knows the party is over . I can see the worry in him . Things were good for the hunters for a while , but change is coming . One thing I have learned all this time is to expect the unexpected . So gatherer Chuck got to close to the hunter 's beloved woman . Details were few , but apparently the hunters didn 't like what they saw so they shot him on spot . Couldn 't have been good . All gatherers are told from the beginning to stay away from the 2 women . Maybe he wanted a way out of this world , and knew they would kill him . How he got to her I don 't know . They are usually pretty good of at least keeping her away from us gatherers . Joe said that this couldn 't have come at a worse time because tension is already high . They sat all the gatherers down and made sure we all knew the rules again . They didn 't say death was your punishment , but I think most of us got the point . I think this community is cracking . Posted by It has been almost a week now , and I guess the decision is to stay for now . Vacation is over . We are back to work as usual , but I know something is still going on that I don 't know about . The hunters aren 't in their same frame of mind . I noticed some of them are not talking with each other , or at least less than usual . Feeding time as been quiet . Joe hasn 't told me much besides that they really haven 't decided . I told him I know it is a hard decision , but I am sure they will make the right one . I also told him I am still looking forward to going hunting , and he looked at me funny . I guess any thoughts of leaving the grounds for any reason is a touchy subject . Things will get interesting when supplies get low , which should be soon . It has been almost a month since the last supply run . My bet is anyone who supported leaving will not go . I wish I knew howHoly shit ! A gunshot just went off , and I ran outside to see what was happening . As soon as I got outside I heard all this yelling , and screaming . I didn 't get too far before they started yelling to get all the gatherers back inside the houses . My asshole guard took a good whack at me because he thought I was moving too slow . I just looked outside the window , and there still is a bunch of chaos going on . I can 't really hear anything . I wonder if this has anything to do with this whole leaving or staying situation . Maybe it was a zombie , but I doubt it . There would have been more shots for sure . Never a dull moment around here lately . I guess they had some of the same questions I did because last night they had a meeting of the minds . They probably had to let everything get out into the open . They are smart , they have to have an open discussion about this before it divides them . I have no idea what they decided . Again , we just got to eat , and then returned to the houses . It is almost like we are on vacation . A paid holiday . It is their decision . The gatherers aren 't going to get a say . Oh well ! Posted by Guess there is still some tension out there because they didn 't let us leave our houses today except for a quick bite to eat . Things were quiet out there . I watched out the window from time to time , but there was not a lot of action going on . The ones that guarded gatherers just guarded . The ones that patrolled the grounds just patrolled . The rest of them just did their own thing . Looks like a lot of thinking was going on . I wonder what Joe thinks . I think he likes the arrangements enough to want to stay . On the other hand , he is smart enough to know that we can 't stay here forever . It depends how much hope you have . If this craziness ends tomorrow , then we are fine . If this madness goes on for a year , even months , it will become harder to stay . Where would we go ? Would we all go ? Would we all go together or separate ? How would they decide who gets what ? Could we move everything that we would need to survive ? Actually , they would have to take us gathers . Who else would pack all this shit up ? Who else would do all the heavy lifting ? Posted by Wow , last night one of the hunters gave this huge speech about the New Year , and how things need to change . This sparked a crazy argument about what the hunters want to do next . Everyone had an opinion . Some thought everything was good , and were fine staying . Others were talking about a need to move on . They mentioned how they had to go further and further out to find food and supplies . They need to make a decision before they use up all the gas that they have found . Then there is the question about where to go . The people that want to leave all have their own ideas on where they want to go . Things got so heated that they sent us gatherers away . I guess they didn 't want us to see any weakness in them . It is a hard decision . Whenever I had to make the call , it was always to leave . Some places were great to stay at , but eventually all your resources run out , and the zombies catch up to you . It will become harder to stay here , but I think they will decide to stay for now . What a way to ring in the New Year ! Posted by Christmas . Some people seem like they don 't care , but it has to bother them . How could you not miss Christmas ? Your family ? Even presents ! This really sucks . Depressed all over again . Remembering my last Christmas at home . Always good to be home from school , and to take a break . To see how much trouble Violet has got into . Mom making a feast for all of us . Family in from out of town . Catch up talking football with dad . Such a happy time . Nothing but the doldrums now . No home , no family , no presents , no Christmas lights … nothing . Alone on Christmas again with New Years around the corner . Posted by Not much going on . Just doing the gatherer thing . Joe is not sure when they are going out again . I asked him about the zombies they killed in some of those other towns . He said most of them were there when they got there . There usually weren 't many people still alive in any of the towns . They do enjoy killing them , but he said they usually tried to kill as many as they could so that they could look for supplies safely . That makes sense . At first , they didn 't touch them , but after a while they decided to make an example of them . Still not totally sure why . I think it had to do with people like me that came to the towns . I think it was like their hunting trophies . Probably like when they used to kill deer , and hang the heads on their walls . I wonder if they have any zombie heads in any of the houses . Interesting . Disgusting ! Posted by Still disappointed . Wanted to write yesterday , but couldn 't . Didn 't see one zombie . Not one out there . I ended up just working . Carrying their stuff . Handing out food and water . Just work . Don 't know when they will go out again . Hopefully that wasn 't my only chance to kill a zombie . Just going to keep close to Joe . He will let me know . I will have to make sure he knows I still want to kill some zombies . Posted by I am going , but I think I am going as one of the few gathers they bring along . So I am still a gather . That is fine . Hopefully I will get a shot at some zombies . Joe told me it would be an important trip because they are going to look for another gas truck . One of the hunters knows a place where they have some trucks , and gas . Abandoned of course . That is where they got their current truck . I was wondering where they got it . Thought they got lucky , but I guess not . Maybe these guys are smarter than I thought . I am excited . Tonight we pack , and tomorrow we leave . Not like going to the lake for the summer . Not sure how long this will take . Posted by Gather no more . I 'm hunting some zombies . After days of begging , they said I could go . They didn 't promise a gun or anything , but I will find a way to take out my frustrations . I 'm not sure when we are going , but hopefully it will be soon . I can 't hold this anger in much longer . Posted by Thinking and thinking . Reading over my entries to see if I really mean this . I think I do . I think I can do it . What do I have to lose ? Forget this , I am going to ask . Maybe Joe will let me go on the next trip . I am going to ask right now . I am He said he would see what he could do . I am not sure he totally trusts me yet . I don 't care . I think it is time to find some zombies to kill . Those damn bastards . Killing everyone . Screw them . They better let me go . Posted by Still thinking I could kill zombies . I have killed them before . Yea , it was for survival , but wouldn 't this be for survival too ? The hunters are just being on the offensive . I have been playing defense all this time . Hell , if we don 't go after them , they will just come after us . I was talking with Joe , and he said no zombies have attacked this place since he has been here . I think that is because they go out , and kill them before they can get anywhere near here . I have been seriously thinking about asking Joe if I can go hunting with them . Can I do it ? Still in a bad mood . Birthday has brought up too many memories . I just keep thinking of all my birthdays . I have been reading the end of my Nov . 3 journal entry over and over , and have been seriously thinking about it . I do hate the zombies . I owe them nothing . Why am I hesitant about killing them ? Maybe the hunters have got it right after all . I know I said I wasn 't into hunting the zombies , but maybe I should be . I am so mad I actually feel like killing some zombies . The hunters kill for fun , but I feel like getting some revenge . Who are these zombies to me anyway ? They just ruined everything . Everyone 's lives ! Happy Birthday to me ! Happy Birthday to me ! No , I am not really that excited . I have been singing that in my head all day . Made a point to write something today . Just wanted to at least make note of my birthday . My first birthday as a hostage . Would they let me go as a present ? No , I 'm not telling anyone . None of their business . They wouldn 't care anyway . The only people that would care are God knows where . Haven 't talked to family in what feels like decades . The last time I saw them was not a great time . We just buried mom . She died because of that worthless vaccine that caused this mess . She was I can 't write about this . Just another unhappy b - day . There was a lot of work today . Some of the hunters just came back from a trip with more supplies . We had to put it all away as they watched closely . They wouldn 't want any of us to steal their loot even though we are supposed to be sharing . They apparently found a gun shop because they came back with rounds and rounds of bullets , and a bunch of new guns . They put that stuff away . Gathers don 't touch guns is the rule . We had to wipe down the trucks . Clean the dirt and blood off . It looked like they ran over some zombies . A good thing about the trips is that the hunters generally come back happy . I think as long as they got to kill some zombies , they were good . To celebrate , we had a bigger than usual dinner that was prepared by the older woman . I took the opportunity to try to make friends with one of the hunters . All of them are giant asses , but I think I found the one guy that has a little decency left in him somewhere . I wasn 't too pushy . I think I picked a good question to start the conversation . I asked how many zombies he had killed so far . That got him talking . We shared some zombie killing stories . I made up a few stories to show him that I hated the zombies as much as they did . I do hate them . I am just not into the whole hunting them thing . Posted by Every once in a while , the hunters decide on who is going on the next hunting trip . That was what they were doing when they found me . They go out looking for food , and supplies , but I think they are really looking for zombies to hunt . After all , they are the ones that killed all those zombies I saw in those towns , and had fun hanging them up like Christmas ornaments . They usually will take a couple of gathers with them . I am sure that is bundles of fun . I haven 't decided if staying here or not is the best thing . I am not sure how long this whole set up will last , or how I feel about basically being a hostage here . Posted by There are about 30 people here . About 20 of them are the hunters , and the rest are gathers including me . The hunters take turns guarding the fort . They station a couple of people at the entrance while others patrol the grounds . There are always a few keeping track of the gathers . We aren 't free to just do whatever we want . If we are not working , we have to be in our homes . They don 't let us socialize too much . I think they are afraid we would form a coup . It is hard to socialize anyway . After everything all of us have gone through , it is hard to talk about sometimes . Much easier to write it down . Anyway , what is there to say ? " Hey did you catch that game last night ? How are the kids ? Did you get that job ? " Plus it is awkward when you are being watched over by guys with guns . I almost forgot . There are also 2 women here . You would forget them because the hunters keep them away from the rest of us . One is an older woman who does a lot of the cooking when there is something to cook . The other is a woman who I would say is in her late 20 's . Never been good at guessing ages . The few times I actually saw her , she looked like she went 12 rounds with the devil . I am pretty sure the hunters have abused and raped her . I think if you gave her the choice of staying here or running into a pack of zombies , I think she would choose the zombies . There will never be normal for her again . It is sad , but it shows me things could be worse . So I made my complaints about being here and I can 't say I 'm totally happy , but there are some good things . My headache has gone away . I think it is a combination of eating more regularly , and finally getting some good sleep . I can sleep more easily in this protected atmosphere . I still get the nightmares from time to time , but they are going away too . I wanted things to go back to normal , and this is probably as normal as it is going to get for a while . I am not sure how long these people have been here , but they This is the first time in a long time I have been able to write . Hopefully , they don 't find me doing it either . After the last writing I was looking for another car when someone knocked me out . I woke up being hosed down in a shower . I think they were making sure I had not been bitten , or scratched up by a zombie . Surprised those bastards didn 't rape me . I have been taken in by a group of crazy ex - cops , ex - military , and gun loving white people who probably went hunting every weekend . They have turned this small - gated community into their private civil war fort . They probably have had dreams of doing this for years , and finally got the opportunity . They play defend the fort while they make everyone else cook , clean , store supplies , and anything else they can think of to keep us busy . I wonder if this is similar to the days of the hunters and gathers . Can 't believe I am a gather . Everyone gets their own small portion of the food , and supplies , but only the trusted get the guns . They took the little medicine , and water I had with me . My journal was the only thing they let me keep because no one had a use for it that wasn 't named Max . It would be hard for them to read or write , if they could , with their hands glued to their guns . I will be honest . . . I am a gather . I had to take a break from writing until I found some medicine . I could barely think . I even broke my rule against going out at night , but I had to move on to the next town to find medicine . Plus , there are no signs of life anywhere . Just dead bodies on poles , hung from trees , placed in front of doors , and in piles burnt to death . I know I am getting myself in trouble , but I have nowhere else to go . I took the rare opportunity to actually look at some of the dead zombies . It was not easy because they smell even worse dead than alive . Their skin looks kind of like melted cheese . I wonder why ? I have avoided touching them whenever possible , but I have gotten closer than I wanted too . I don 't think I actually touched one , or at least that is what I prefer to think . They seem to bleed easily . Drool it sometimes . You could tell that some of them were probably dragged to their current resting spot . There are different trails of blood everywhere . Their eyes are also bloody . Very red . I used a stick to open some of their eyes lids . I popped one out by accident . Blood rushed out . Disgusting . I don 't have much of a stomach for that . On to other things , supplies in these towns are getting less and less . The military or whoever came through here killed everyone , and took everything they could use . Including the medicine . I got lucky and found a stash someone was hiding in their home . Probably hid it because it is some strong stuff . I had my best night of sleep in a long time last night . The nightmares couldn 't wake me this time . Should I go back ? Should I try a different route ? I should look for a map . Maybe I could figure out where I am . I can 't find a map anywhere . I guess these people all knew where they were , and had no plans to go anywhere . Or the ones that left took all the damn maps with them . More reason for my head to hurt . Everyone used to complain about $ 8 . 00 gas . I wish I could get some now . Can 't find a car that will get me anywhere . All I do is jump from one to another . That last one didn 't even get me to the next town . I had to walk the last couple of miles in this heat . I drank most of my water just to make it here . And the heat makes dead bodies reek . This town is a little different because there are bodies tied to poles , and placed around the entrance to town . Almost like a warning or something . I am getting another bad feeling about this . If they were the military , why would they do that ? I don 't think the zombies would know what to make of that . Unless the military knows something I don 't . Maybe there are some smarter zombies . No , couldn 't be . I wish I could find some weapons . Just in case . I had just enough gas to make it to the next town . Not much in between . This town is a lot like the last . A few homes with everything you need in the center of town . More dead people / zombies . I took a closer look at some of them , and it appears they were shot to death . Some had more than enough bullets in them . Maybe the military came through here . I hope I didn 't miss a chance at being saved . Maybe this will all be over soon . To get back to normal . At least as close to normal as can be after this mess . Mess is too light a word . This disaster ! This catastrophe ! This tragedy ! This limited vocabulary I have with this headache . I still can 't sleep much . Too worried . And when I do , I wake up to the screams of people dying . The sun is about to set . Better find a place to hide . My mom was the one that did the grocery shopping in the family . On occasion , I would be sent to get a few things , and I hated it . There were always so many people . Well , turn everyone into zombies and no more lines . I have this drugstore all to myself . Eating some dry cereal right now . It seems to last a long time , but still tastes stale . Needs some milk . Don 't think too many zombies are going to go milk the cows . Got some medicine for this headache too . I always wondered what would happen if you took expired medicine . I guess I will find out soon . Looks like I am going to load up on cereal and drugs , and find some transportation out of here . Posted by I guess I have made it out of the city and into the world of small towns . There is not much here . There were some small homes I passed on the way into town , and no signs of life anywhere . As I got to the center of town , I saw a few dead bodies here and there . It is too hard to tell if they were zombies , or people that were killed by zombies . I am still not sure why some people apparently become zombies and others don 't . I don 't stick around when zombies are attacking . Run , run , run because these aren 't the typical zombies I used to see in horror movies . Horror movies . I guess I am the star of my own horror movie right now . Zombies , who would have thought that could ever happen . I am not a huge horror fan , and never will be if the world ever gets back to normal . Don 't remember what the last zombie movie I saw was . I miss going to the movies . I hope I am the hero of this story . Actually , I don 't remember too many people surviving in zombie movies . Damn ! This can 't get much more depressing . There is no one here , but it is not a secure place to stay . Maybe that is why no one is here . A hurricane of zombies probably came right through here . Did their damage and moved on . Posted by I am a genius . I fell asleep while driving , and drove into a ditch . Luck is still with me because I survived that too . It would have sucked to have survived all these zombie attacks , and then die from crashing the car . I could have done that in a normal world . Not sure if it is lucky to still be alive though . I know my luck will eventually run out , that is if the zombie 's doesn 't first . Like with this guy I met about a year ago named Jedrus Gorski . He was a prison warden or a deputy warden . At least that is what I think it said on his badge . He said he had worked there over 15 years , and thought he saw everything an inmate could do . Stabbing guys in the eyes , slitting throats , broken bones , gang riots , and other nasty stuff I wish he hadn 't mentioned . With all his experience and training , he was not prepared for inmates to become zombies . He thought it all started from a bunch of inmates that had been recently transferred to his prison . He had a bad feeling about them from the start . The prisoners were there probably a couple of weeks before they all started getting sick and then died . Only in riots had he ever had so many prisoners die in such a short time span . Before the bodies could be removed from the prison , all hell broke loose . Gorski said he signed the paperwork and saw them store the bodies , but he got the shock of his life when he saw one of the prisoners leaning over one of his guards biting into his stomach . Before he knew it , several of the other supposedly dead prisoners appeared , and charged at him . He said he unloaded every round of ammunition he had into them just to escape . The prison was put on lock down , but that did not stop the now zombie prisoners . They were killing people all over the place . Gorski said the dead people were coming back to life , and killing people too . That was the first time I had heard of anyone who was killed by a zombie coming back to life . I thought it was just the people who were vaccinated . He was in a difficult situation . He didn 't want to just let all the Posted by I led them right to those people . They told me to go away , but it was too late . Those zombies probably killed them all . I knew I should have just left . They didn 't want me there . Told me to leave the second I got up there . Before I knew it , I heard them coming . Racing up the stairs again . They heard them too , and refused to let me in their penthouse apartment . I hate to say it , but lucky me . If they let me in , I wouldn 't be writing right now . It was scary though . I didn 't know what to do at first . I went down a floor and checked the other stairwell , but they were in there too . I didn 't want to go in the open apartment and get trapped there . The only other place to go was the garbage chute room . By the time I opened the door to investigate , I heard them enter the hallway so I was stuck . The only place to go was in the chute . It was hard to get through the hole . I wedged Louis up against the room 's door to buy me some time to get in the hole , and that probably saved me . It didn 't take long for the zombies to pick up my scent . They were banging up against the door , and I heard them finally open it . After that , I just heard them scratching the walls . I knew they would not be able to open the chute door . I braced myself because I did not want to slide to the bottom , and get stuck there . Some time passed and then I heard the screams . The same screams I have been hearing in my nightmares since . The zombies must have busted their door down or something . I thought they were well defended , but I think there ended up being too many of them . That is when I slowly slid down the chute . I don 't remember what floor I got out at . I just keep thinking about those people . All dead because of me . I think those were the zombies I was hiding from before . That was what they were doing . They knew there were people around somewhere , and I probably led them right to the people . I thought I covered my scent . I don 't know . The zombies are so persistent . After I got out of the building , I just ran . When I thought I ran far enHorrO Bernie Wrightson passed away on Saturday , March 18 , 2017 . He was 68 years old . Wrightson had been ill for some time and had only recently announced that . . . As you can clearly see , the blog hasn 't been active for a while . It won 't be . Let me explain why I 've decided to stop . Hello , Fire Enthusiasts . Seasons Greetings to you as we enter the stretch run of 2015 . Once you get to Halloween the next thing we know it 's New Year 's Day . . . |
I find this so funny , I just have to share it . I was waiting in the lobby of my physical therapist . I had the girls in the stroller and I was talking to them . They were dressed alike , and yes , they are identical twin girls . Man : ( smiles and plays googley eyes with the girls ) Me : " K , J , can you wave hi ? " Man : ( smiles some more and looks to be ready to say something but stops himself ) " They look like they 're only days apart ! " Me : ( completely surprised by the stupid question I tried to form a smile ) " Actually , they are only 1 minute apart . " Man : " Wow . " ( looks dazed and confused ) Wow , so far this comment takes the cake ! Thing 1 came down with a fever on Friday night . Her fever broke the next day , but now she 's feeling more miserable than before because she 's very congested . Her nose stuffed up and runny making it difficult for her to sleep . Her chest is also congested making her cough horribly . After dinner tonight , it 's Thing 2 has a fever . She 's now sleeping in one of the play pen in our room so that I could monitor her in the middle of the night . Thing 1 is alone in their room , coughing every now and then . They just both had the same symptoms 3 weeks ago ! I worry about the twins when they get sick because they always have wheezing . I think this comes with the territory of being preemies . When the little man was a baby , he was right there in our bed because we co - sleep . So even though I worried about him , I at least got sleep . But with the girls , it 's difficult . Last night I took Thing 1 to our bed because she 's coughing and wheezing , but the minute I laid her on the bed she got excited . She crawled everywhere and climbed on , top of me and Daddy . She did this for 20 minutes until I finally gave up and put her back to her bed where she slept instantly ! Today we 're trying out the play pen idea next to the bed . So far it 's working out . I haven 't heard a peep from Thing 2 . Big brother is coughing too and having trouble getting a good night sleep . He woke up at 3 am and came to our bed , which irritated Daddy because it woke him up and he couldn 't get back to sleep . He actually got mad at me as if I made the little boy sleep with us . Finally in his sleep hysterics , he stormed out of our room to the guess room to get some zzzzz 's . Once in a while , the twins do get out of the play yard . : - ) And today , Thing 2 uses her time to practice taking steps . I tried to let Thing 1 do the same , but she was too afraid of falling . Notice how her hair stick out all over the place ? This is before Thing 2 's bath ( taken this morning after dropping off big brother at school ) . And this is what happens after the bath , after all the dirt and grime gets washed away . ( Her car seat now faces forward ! ) By the way , this is a partial evil eye . The camera was too slow to catch the whole thing . I was on church nursery duty bright and early this morning and of course I brought the little man with me . I don 't think the husband would let me keep volunteering if I were to leave all 3 chitlins with him . It was fun , even though there was a 1 - year old and a 2 - year old that would really prefer not to be there . But for some strange reason , the total of 11 kids that were running around wasn 't really too bad . I guess it 's because they weren 't mine ! After church , the little man and I went to Costco and bought a few things , including one ginormous box of diapers and one equally ginormous box of wipes . The little man is getting to be quiet fun to be with when he isn 't throwing a tantrum . And he only has them lately when he is getting sleepy . We saw a fireman rain coat and he wouldn 't let me put it back down . I didn 't really want to buy because it 's lined , and this boy being as warm blooded as he is he would just sweat like mad while wearing it . But , we ended up with it anyway . Here we are having fun while eating lunch at Costco . I once mentioned to a friend that I am a lot stricter with my first born , than I am with my twins . She replied by saying that this is usually the case . It got me thinking . . . . With the little man being the first , it was ' learn as you go ' sort of parenting . He was already 11 months by the time I introduced a sippy cup ( not that it was needed all that much because I was still breastfeeding at the time ) . At 12 months , I was still spoon feeding him pretty much everything because for one I didn 't know better , and two it was less messy than letting him feed himself . Then one day , I came across a book ( or it could have been a website ) that said that by 12 months , babies should be given a spoon to experiment with . Nowadays , at 3 years 4 months old , both Daddy and I are still too controlling . We 've found ourselves steering him off of a toy that he really wanted because we think he 's too old / too young , too big / too small . In the most mundane things in life , both Daddy and I sometimes control too much with this little boy , who just happens to be the most independent kid you will ever meet . Everything is " I can do it myself ! " , " let me do it " , " Mommy , I did by myself ! " . I still remember when I took him to new playground at about 14 months . He took off from me and got as much as 20 feet away without ever looking back if I was still behind him . Today , the twins enjoy less " fussing over " : I gave them a sippy cup at 7 months , I let them self - feed as soon as they could bring their hands to their mouths , they can make a mess without me freaking out about the amount of mess I have to clean later . I don 't know if it 's because since there are 2 of them and it 's harder to control 2 compared to 1 . It is a little unfair for everyone involved and I feel a little guilty . The boy received a lot of one on one time but always on the receiving end of experimental parenting . The twins get a lot less one on one but is the recipient of ' wiser ' parenting techniques . Thing 1 woke up from her nap sooner than Thing 2 , so I whisked her away downstairs to have one on one time . I gave her the brush I bought for their first birthday but just never got around to giving it . How slack am I ? ! But to be fair , it 's just lately that their hair seems to grow very fast . It 's now going down to their eyes . I 've tried many clips on them , but they keep pulling it off , especially Thing 1 . Here she is with a hair clip on . The only reason why Thing 1 didn 't try to take it off was that she was too preoccupied with the brush . After 5 weeks of going to physical therapy twice a week , the girls have become very familiar with the routine . Once I get called , Thing 1 twists around ( she sits in front ) to see where I keep the crackers and when I don 't hand it fast enough , she gets very vocal . And quite loudly I might add . Everyone in there loves these two , even the patients . Thing 1 continuously chit - chats with everyone and cries when she 's out of crackers . Thing 2 took a while to start smiling , but today she did finally start . But one of the therapist ' over stayed ' her welcome in talking to them ( she said because Thing 1 was enjoying the conversation so much ! ) and Thing 2 started crying for me . She couldn 't see me right away because I was paying so it made her cry even worse . After that , she gave the therapist the evil eye . Oooh , she gets Mommy 's evil eye look down pat . The nice therapist felt shamed , but I think I made her feel better when I told her even I get the evil eye . : - ) But then I ran out of crackers . GASP ! Now the nice lady happened to have graham crackers so she gave the girls some . Of course they stop crying . We 'll see if the lady is now Thing 2 's best friend on my next appointment . Is it evil eye or evil eyeS ? There are 2 eyes , after all . Oh well . I finally took the twins to the pediatrician to discuss their milk allergy . I went on and on and on about eliminating milk completely for a couple of weeks and then starting a food diary for a few days , and noting the reactions to milk products . I then stopped the milk products for 2 more weeks and then introduced cheese and they had the allergic reaction again . They developed a rash around their mouths and wherever the milk happens to drip , and they got runny noses . During a particularly bad reaction , both the girls developed welts . He said that as far as allergy goes , it 's pretty mild . He mentioned that tests at this age is pretty inaccurate but it is worth looking into to see what we 're dealing with . So he gave me a name of a pediatric allergist . In the meantime , we can keep with soy milk . Should it turn out that we have to avoid milk for a long time , then we will discuss other ways of getting calcium into their bodies . I 'm not particularly happy with the casual manner of the conversation ( I 'm worried , and the doctor is not ) , but at least we 've been referred to an allergist . We 'll see what happens then . Milk allergy may be common before the age of 3 , but it doesn 't mean I don 't have to worry . There is absolutely no history of food allergy in both mine and my husband 's family . At least when the girls get tested , I will know whether to freak out when Thing 1 steals Big Brother 's milk . I do believe I can finally spare my back by not crawling inside of the mini - van to get to the 3rd row in order to buckle my 3 year old in . Yesterday I asked him to buckle himself in and so he tried , no so successfully , but I was there to give him pointers . This morning when I drove him to school , he was able to buckle himself without my help ! Yipeee ! Of course I need to check to make sure the seat belt isn 't over the arm rest of the booster and that it isn 't twisted . Life has gotten just a tad bit easier . : - ) Big Bro finally gets to bat left - handed . Since T - ball began , if you set him up initially , he positions himself to bat left - handed . But the coach turns him around , and makes him bat right - handed . We 've since found out it doesn 't really matter since he can apparently bat with either hand , though . Daddy talked to the coach and told him to try to let him bat however he wanted . Did you notice the boy in 3rd base who ran after the ball instead of running home ? So funny ! The mom used to apologize the first 2 games , but she doesn 't anymore . Why would she ? we 're just all happy these kids can last an hour in hot humid heat every Saturday ! This game is awesome . There is no winners or losers , yet there they are taught sportsmanship . There is only one more session left and T - ball is done . Soccer is the next in September . First , the little man wanted Daddy to be with him ( in red ) . Then he requested that he wanted Mommy . ( Notice we 're wearing the team hat ! ) Still tackling whoever gets the ball , who cares if they are in the same team . Another team mate beat the little man to the ball this time . The Cheerleaders ( Thing 1 in the front , Thing 2 in the back ) . They cheered the best they could , even if their backs were turned against the game . It was hot and humid and this is the only position that afforded them shade . The trophy ! and not just any trophy , it 's a personalized one with his name ! Some time this morning , I got two baby books and showed / read them to the twins . They loved the pictures of the babies ; Thing 1 kissed the picture of a girl repeatedly . Then I left them to enjoy the books on their own . After I had gone to the kitchen and walked around aimlessly for a few minutes staring at the dirty dishes and pondering whether I wanted to clean them or not , I go back to check on the girls and found them ripping paper covering the binding and eating the paper ! So I take the books a way . Late in the afternoon , in preparing to leave to meet the boys for our Friday picnic , I gather diapers and baby wipes and took then inside the play yard to change diapers . Consistent to what I 've been doing a lot lately , I leave the box of wipes in the play yard . I then go upstairs and get dressed . By the time I got back down to the living room , here is what I saw . I swear these two girls conspired to drive me crazy today when I am already going crazy suffering from womanly pains ( cramps ) . Thing 2 hasn 't stopped stuffing her face since the weekend . Just watch her put all of that waffle in her mouth . It 's quite fascinating . Thing 1 also stuffs her face , but she seems to be more lady - like today . Right after I shot these videos , I run to the laptop to upload them on youtube . After 10 minutes , I go to check on the twins and here is what I saw . After eating all those waffles , I guess there 's nothing else to do but to take a late morning siesta . We were at Big Brother 's school waiting for him to finish playing so we could head home yesterday when the girls played a neat trick on me . I had put a hair clip on Thing 2 because her hair is getting in her eyes . But had to take Thing 1 's away because she kept taking it off and putting it in her mouth . But while at school , I happened to notice that Thing 2 's was gone . So I did my usual sweep of her mouth and found nothing . I looked around her seat and the floor and the basket part of the stroller and didn 't find it . Then I happened to see Thing 1 's hand closed in a tight fist . I checked it and there it was . Did I mention that Thing 1 is on the front and Thing 2 is in the back ? How on earth Thing 1 got a hold of Thing 2 's head is beyond me . Oh , and did I mention that I was inches away from them the entire time and still I didn 't see how it happened . Daddy 's birthday is this weekend , so we had his birthday lunch on Tuesday with the twins . Big Brother was in school . Sorry , little man ! While eating lunch , Thing 2 took breaks in between every 2 - 3 bites to lean over on Daddy and wrap her greasy little hands around his arm . She kept doing it over and over through the entire meal . We 're not quite sure why she did it , but it sure did give her time enough to chew her food and not choke herself like she and her sister did over the weekend . And of course , Daddy just ate up the cuddliness . Thing 1 sat beside me and both she and I just went about our business of eating yummy yummy Italian food . Notice we took the booster seat with us . It was great ! ! For the first time while out , I didn 't need to feed the girls first before I could eat my food . We all ate together . The little man conked out 20 minutes into the long drive home on Monday . But notice the train track still in his hands . He will probably hate me for posting pictures like this when he gets older . Here is Thing 1 . It took her a little while to fall asleep being next Big Brother . But she finally fell asleep after her fingers found her mouth . I don 't think you 're ever seen this much excitement from a 3 - year - old . The problem is , that we built up the trip by telling him he would be able to ride in a train . But the way the trip was structured , the train ride was after 2 hours of walking around and looking at the countless trains . When it was finally time to ride the train , he bee - lined for the train like someone was trying to nip his behind . Look at this boy grinning like a fool . Here is 3 generations in front of the this 1925 train ( picture on the left ) , but it 's actually 5 generations . . Papaw shares his story of riding on this train with his father , and his grandfather running it . Poor little man doesn 't know yet that there is another legacy here in store for him - the big belly . The picture on the right is Daddy and Big Brother 's cousins . . . and no , they are not really funny looking . The sun just happened to be in their eyes . And here we are , the women - folk . I got a work out carrying Thing 2 , but Nana had Thing 1 who is even heavier . Silly me for leaving the stroller at home . Never again ! Thing 2 and Thing 1 had their first real chicken , roast beef , and ham this weekend . Thing 2 stuffed her mouth with a banana . In trying to stuff our large family in the mini - van , we had to down size a few things . The girls ' Graco high - chair were not going to work at all for the trip , unless we wanted someone to ride in the cargo top . So we bought two booster seats instead . These Firsher - Price Healthy Care Booster seats were our answer . It worked out quite well . The twins got to show case their self - feeding ability to Nana . Would you believe each of these two munchkins ate more than their Big Brother at each meal ? Fishing was the big hit of the day on Saturday . The boys ( Papaw , cousin B , Daddy , Big Brother ) all had fishing rods and introduced Big Brother to his first fish ever . There was a rumor of a rule about baiting your own hook , but somehow I was able to cast without doing so and without a license ! Big Brother had a blast , and best of all no limbs got caught in the hook ( Papaw has a story about an a hook on someone 's ear when he was young ? eww ) . But I think he probably got a little board waiting for a fish to bite , but he surely wanted to be told when cousin B caught one so he could touch it . Touch meaning poke the fish with one finger . While the boys were fishing , Nana and I wore the girls and took a walk around the park and watched the geese . I had Thing 2 go with Nana , thinking that if she could see me , she wouldn 't mind being carried by someone else . ( She suffered from major separation anxiety during this trip . ) But it didn 't matter , she fussed a little bit , that is until Nana got moving . We found geese that were hanging around people that were feeding them , so we took a look . The girls were fascinated . There were a couple that thought Thing 2 's toes were yummy , but Nana wasn 't going to let those pretty little toes get nipped at . Then came Big Brother to check out the geese , too . A lovely family gave us some of their bread to feed the geese , so Big Brother got busy . He thought it was all fun and games until the same one that thought Thing 1 's toes looked yummy thought he looked yummy too . " Mommy , it 's going to eat me ! " , he shouted as he hid behind me . After an hour or so , the humidity was too much so we rested and had drinks . I guess Thing 1 was hungry , she started eating the string of my hat . Daddy found the whole thing amusing and very cute , so here we are . Daddy was present by the way . But I only got a picture of him looking lazy and playing with his cell phone . We don 't want the kids looking at this blog 15 years from now thinking their Daddy is lazy , now do we . : - ) We are at the hubby 's parents right now spending the weekend . We took the drive on Friday afternoon just in time for everyone 's nap . There is something remarkable about this trip , since it 's the first time Thing 1 's car seat faces forward . We were re - shuffling everyone to maximize the space in the minivan and ended with Thing 2 and I in the middle row , and Thing 1 and Big bro in the 3rd row ( with Thing 1 directly behind me ) . But I couldn 't get back of my seat upright . Thing 1 's car seat was take too much room . Then we decided to turn her car seat forward , but not before we weighed her though . By our scale , she weighed in at 20 . 5 lbs . With the car seat facing forward , there was plenty of room for me to stretch my legs ! Thing 2 had to remain rear facing though . Daddy kept teasing me about breaking down about this momentous event . He reminded me of the one lowly tear I shed when our son was able to use a public high - chair for the first time when he was four months old . Our lower level AC conked out on us on Tuesday . It was blowing air , but it wasn 't cold . I thought it was a good idea to keep it running , thinking that at least it was circulating the air . But apparently , that wasn 't the best thing to do as it only made the house humid . The AC repairman could drop by that afternoon but gave me a 5 hour window . That wasn 't going to work since I had to go and pick up the little man from school . So it was not until last night that it got fixed . In the meantime , we spent a lot of time upstairs in the master bedroom . Let me just say that the twins knew instantly that there was not a play yard enclosing them . And with big brother in the mix , it was a free for all apparently . Big brother and I were sitting on the couch reading a bed time story , Thing 1 was busy inspecting corners she hadn 't been into before , and Thing 2 was busy eating any lint or hair she could find on the floor . Big brother was working on his milk but left it on top of something , and Thing 1 found it a short moment later . She put it in her mouth and loved the chocolate milk . There was a big outcry from Big brother when he saw it , " That 's my milk ! ! " he says . He runs over to Thing 1 and grabs the sippy cup . " You 're not my best friend , Katie ! " , he says and cries some more . When I was sure Big brother wasn 't going to strangle Thing 1 , I go and run over to Thing 2 to stop her from eating a big knot of hair from the carpet ( ew ! ) . After a few minutes of quiet , I return to reading the book . A few seconds later , I see Thing 1 found Big brother 's sippy cup again . I look over at Thing 2 and she 's crawling towards another piece of lint , or hair , or whatever it was only she could see . Oi ! Daddy walks in on us an says , " This is why we have the play yard . " Yay , Daddy is home ! ! The bangles that the girls wore the other day are beautiful . They were all but forgotten while we were at therapy ( but that could be because of the animal cookies they were too busy stuffing in their faces ) . But that afternoon , I noticed that the short chain that connects the 2 edges of the bangle were just dangling on Thing 1 . I checked it out and the link that connected it to the bangle was gone . ( Momentary panic set in at this time . ) I shoved my forefinger and thumb in Thing 1 's mouth ( I usually just use my pinky , but desperate time calls for desperate measures . Who cares if my fingers were bigger than her mouth ! ) and started the sweep . AHA , there it was . So , adieu pretty bangles . The girls can have you back when they have their own chitlins to panic over . Well , maybe not that long . After all , you 're the first piece of jewelry they ever had ( thanks to some very thoughtful relatives ) . Thing 1 and Thing 2 are sporting boy 's clothing today . It seems only boys ' clothing are ever long enough to cover their knees to afford a little protection when crawling . But no worries , I think the butterfly hair clip and the bangle more than brings their feminine charm . Peek - a - boo , I see you ! ( Thing 2 ) ET phones home . I do hope she 's getting a good reception . ( Thing 1 ) The little man was constantly asking to see fireworks all day long , and thankfully I was able to find one that was rescheduled yesterday evening at 9 : 15 . I didn 't want to raise his hopes again , so I cautioned that if there was a storm , there wouldn 't be any fireworks . But thankfully , though the clouds were cloudy and there were a few rumbles of thunder , it stayed dry . We packed up the kiddies and went the little man 's 2nd fireworks ever . ( His first was at Disney World when he was 18 months old ) . He was so excited , he couldn 't contain himself . We watched from the Target parking lot , which worked out really well . We got there early so we were able to read some bedtime stories . When the the fireworks started , Thing2 's eyes grew as big as a silver dollar , and Thing1 looked ready to throw a humongous wail . But Daddy stayed in the car with them and they calmed down holding onto his hands . We had a late night , but fortunately , for once in this little boy 's life , he woke up late at 8am allowing us to sleep in a bit longer . Someone 's hair was getting too long . With him overheating all the time , we thought it was finally time to just shave it all off . Well , OK , it was ME who thought it should all go . I gave fair warning to Daddy that the little man was ready for his haircut , but it took him a few minutes before he joined the party . When he walked in on me , I was using the 1 - inch hair attachment on the top of the little man 's head . " I want the top long ! " , Daddy said . Um , you should have ran up here when I called you . Here is the big boy modeling his new do . Thing2 and Thing1 hangs out with Big Bro . Had we made it out to the water park today , this is what the girls would have looked like . The hat is from LandsEnd , but I only got the pink because apparently , they ran out of the white . So for the past week , I went from store after store to find another similar sun hat , but couldn 't find one . Finally , I phoned LandsEnd and just ordered whatever color they had . I ended up with a red one , shipped super fast for free ! Gotta love the costumer service there ! I took the picture and Thing2 ended up squinting because of the flash . And after that , she just kept on doing her squinty face . Notice her 4 huge upper teeth and the 2 on the bottom . Gotta love Thing2 's many silly faces . Thing1 displays her lovely swimsuit . She 's been playing with her tongue for the past several days like that . She has the same amount of teeth Thing1 has , but you wouldn 't know it since she 's always hanging out her tongue ! Thing2 discoveres the sexy back hole ! Hers have one too . Thing2 now gets fascinated by her sister 's hat . Did she want to wear the red one instead ? Since Thing1 was feverish last night , we decided that it would be better to let her rest and stay home . So Daddy stayed home with the girls , and I took Big Bro to the water park . Big Bro had an absolute blast . He actually tired a grown up enclosed slide . We weren 't allowed to go together , so I went first so that I could get him right when he came out . It was dark , it was fast , and water just sprayed all over my face . Good thing I had the little man wear his goggles . As he emerged from the slide , he was almost turned over to his belly and had a slightly scared look on his face . I asked him how it was , and he said he got scared and the water went in his mouth . I reassured him that he was so brave for trying a grown up slide , but he didn 't have to do it again . After that , we just enjoyed getting wet , getting splashed , and splashing people . I was able to get him out of there with the promise of seeing the fireworks tonight , but that ended up being a bust . Right at 5pm , a severe thunderstorm rolled in . By 6pm , it was clearing out , so we left the house by 7pm to watch the county firework show . By the time we emerged from our neighborhood , there were branches dangling off of trees , in the middle of the road , and some crews reparing power lines . Surely it wasn 't that bad ? So off we went to our destination , only to find out that the fireworks was cancelled because of the damage the storm caused . Of course the little man wasn 't too happy about it , so we ended up doing a detour to the ice cream shop before heading back home . I am hoping the county will reschedule the fireworks tomorrow . |
I find this so funny , I just have to share it . I was waiting in the lobby of my physical therapist . I had the girls in the stroller and I was talking to them . They were dressed alike , and yes , they are identical twin girls . Man : ( smiles and plays googley eyes with the girls ) Me : " K , J , can you wave hi ? " Man : ( smiles some more and looks to be ready to say something but stops himself ) " They look like they 're only days apart ! " Me : ( completely surprised by the stupid question I tried to form a smile ) " Actually , they are only 1 minute apart . " Man : " Wow . " ( looks dazed and confused ) Wow , so far this comment takes the cake ! Thing 1 came down with a fever on Friday night . Her fever broke the next day , but now she 's feeling more miserable than before because she 's very congested . Her nose stuffed up and runny making it difficult for her to sleep . Her chest is also congested making her cough horribly . After dinner tonight , it 's Thing 2 has a fever . She 's now sleeping in one of the play pen in our room so that I could monitor her in the middle of the night . Thing 1 is alone in their room , coughing every now and then . They just both had the same symptoms 3 weeks ago ! I worry about the twins when they get sick because they always have wheezing . I think this comes with the territory of being preemies . When the little man was a baby , he was right there in our bed because we co - sleep . So even though I worried about him , I at least got sleep . But with the girls , it 's difficult . Last night I took Thing 1 to our bed because she 's coughing and wheezing , but the minute I laid her on the bed she got excited . She crawled everywhere and climbed on , top of me and Daddy . She did this for 20 minutes until I finally gave up and put her back to her bed where she slept instantly ! Today we 're trying out the play pen idea next to the bed . So far it 's working out . I haven 't heard a peep from Thing 2 . Big brother is coughing too and having trouble getting a good night sleep . He woke up at 3 am and came to our bed , which irritated Daddy because it woke him up and he couldn 't get back to sleep . He actually got mad at me as if I made the little boy sleep with us . Finally in his sleep hysterics , he stormed out of our room to the guess room to get some zzzzz 's . Once in a while , the twins do get out of the play yard . : - ) And today , Thing 2 uses her time to practice taking steps . I tried to let Thing 1 do the same , but she was too afraid of falling . Notice how her hair stick out all over the place ? This is before Thing 2 's bath ( taken this morning after dropping off big brother at school ) . And this is what happens after the bath , after all the dirt and grime gets washed away . ( Her car seat now faces forward ! ) By the way , this is a partial evil eye . The camera was too slow to catch the whole thing . I was on church nursery duty bright and early this morning and of course I brought the little man with me . I don 't think the husband would let me keep volunteering if I were to leave all 3 chitlins with him . It was fun , even though there was a 1 - year old and a 2 - year old that would really prefer not to be there . But for some strange reason , the total of 11 kids that were running around wasn 't really too bad . I guess it 's because they weren 't mine ! After church , the little man and I went to Costco and bought a few things , including one ginormous box of diapers and one equally ginormous box of wipes . The little man is getting to be quiet fun to be with when he isn 't throwing a tantrum . And he only has them lately when he is getting sleepy . We saw a fireman rain coat and he wouldn 't let me put it back down . I didn 't really want to buy because it 's lined , and this boy being as warm blooded as he is he would just sweat like mad while wearing it . But , we ended up with it anyway . Here we are having fun while eating lunch at Costco . I once mentioned to a friend that I am a lot stricter with my first born , than I am with my twins . She replied by saying that this is usually the case . It got me thinking . . . . With the little man being the first , it was ' learn as you go ' sort of parenting . He was already 11 months by the time I introduced a sippy cup ( not that it was needed all that much because I was still breastfeeding at the time ) . At 12 months , I was still spoon feeding him pretty much everything because for one I didn 't know better , and two it was less messy than letting him feed himself . Then one day , I came across a book ( or it could have been a website ) that said that by 12 months , babies should be given a spoon to experiment with . Nowadays , at 3 years 4 months old , both Daddy and I are still too controlling . We 've found ourselves steering him off of a toy that he really wanted because we think he 's too old / too young , too big / too small . In the most mundane things in life , both Daddy and I sometimes control too much with this little boy , who just happens to be the most independent kid you will ever meet . Everything is " I can do it myself ! " , " let me do it " , " Mommy , I did by myself ! " . I still remember when I took him to new playground at about 14 months . He took off from me and got as much as 20 feet away without ever looking back if I was still behind him . Today , the twins enjoy less " fussing over " : I gave them a sippy cup at 7 months , I let them self - feed as soon as they could bring their hands to their mouths , they can make a mess without me freaking out about the amount of mess I have to clean later . I don 't know if it 's because since there are 2 of them and it 's harder to control 2 compared to 1 . It is a little unfair for everyone involved and I feel a little guilty . The boy received a lot of one on one time but always on the receiving end of experimental parenting . The twins get a lot less one on one but is the recipient of ' wiser ' parenting techniques . Thing 1 woke up from her nap sooner than Thing 2 , so I whisked her away downstairs to have one on one time . I gave her the brush I bought for their first birthday but just never got around to giving it . How slack am I ? ! But to be fair , it 's just lately that their hair seems to grow very fast . It 's now going down to their eyes . I 've tried many clips on them , but they keep pulling it off , especially Thing 1 . Here she is with a hair clip on . The only reason why Thing 1 didn 't try to take it off was that she was too preoccupied with the brush . After 5 weeks of going to physical therapy twice a week , the girls have become very familiar with the routine . Once I get called , Thing 1 twists around ( she sits in front ) to see where I keep the crackers and when I don 't hand it fast enough , she gets very vocal . And quite loudly I might add . Everyone in there loves these two , even the patients . Thing 1 continuously chit - chats with everyone and cries when she 's out of crackers . Thing 2 took a while to start smiling , but today she did finally start . But one of the therapist ' over stayed ' her welcome in talking to them ( she said because Thing 1 was enjoying the conversation so much ! ) and Thing 2 started crying for me . She couldn 't see me right away because I was paying so it made her cry even worse . After that , she gave the therapist the evil eye . Oooh , she gets Mommy 's evil eye look down pat . The nice therapist felt shamed , but I think I made her feel better when I told her even I get the evil eye . : - ) But then I ran out of crackers . GASP ! Now the nice lady happened to have graham crackers so she gave the girls some . Of course they stop crying . We 'll see if the lady is now Thing 2 's best friend on my next appointment . Is it evil eye or evil eyeS ? There are 2 eyes , after all . Oh well . I finally took the twins to the pediatrician to discuss their milk allergy . I went on and on and on about eliminating milk completely for a couple of weeks and then starting a food diary for a few days , and noting the reactions to milk products . I then stopped the milk products for 2 more weeks and then introduced cheese and they had the allergic reaction again . They developed a rash around their mouths and wherever the milk happens to drip , and they got runny noses . During a particularly bad reaction , both the girls developed welts . He said that as far as allergy goes , it 's pretty mild . He mentioned that tests at this age is pretty inaccurate but it is worth looking into to see what we 're dealing with . So he gave me a name of a pediatric allergist . In the meantime , we can keep with soy milk . Should it turn out that we have to avoid milk for a long time , then we will discuss other ways of getting calcium into their bodies . I 'm not particularly happy with the casual manner of the conversation ( I 'm worried , and the doctor is not ) , but at least we 've been referred to an allergist . We 'll see what happens then . Milk allergy may be common before the age of 3 , but it doesn 't mean I don 't have to worry . There is absolutely no history of food allergy in both mine and my husband 's family . At least when the girls get tested , I will know whether to freak out when Thing 1 steals Big Brother 's milk . I do believe I can finally spare my back by not crawling inside of the mini - van to get to the 3rd row in order to buckle my 3 year old in . Yesterday I asked him to buckle himself in and so he tried , no so successfully , but I was there to give him pointers . This morning when I drove him to school , he was able to buckle himself without my help ! Yipeee ! Of course I need to check to make sure the seat belt isn 't over the arm rest of the booster and that it isn 't twisted . Life has gotten just a tad bit easier . : - ) Big Bro finally gets to bat left - handed . Since T - ball began , if you set him up initially , he positions himself to bat left - handed . But the coach turns him around , and makes him bat right - handed . We 've since found out it doesn 't really matter since he can apparently bat with either hand , though . Daddy talked to the coach and told him to try to let him bat however he wanted . Did you notice the boy in 3rd base who ran after the ball instead of running home ? So funny ! The mom used to apologize the first 2 games , but she doesn 't anymore . Why would she ? we 're just all happy these kids can last an hour in hot humid heat every Saturday ! This game is awesome . There is no winners or losers , yet there they are taught sportsmanship . There is only one more session left and T - ball is done . Soccer is the next in September . First , the little man wanted Daddy to be with him ( in red ) . Then he requested that he wanted Mommy . ( Notice we 're wearing the team hat ! ) Still tackling whoever gets the ball , who cares if they are in the same team . Another team mate beat the little man to the ball this time . The Cheerleaders ( Thing 1 in the front , Thing 2 in the back ) . They cheered the best they could , even if their backs were turned against the game . It was hot and humid and this is the only position that afforded them shade . The trophy ! and not just any trophy , it 's a personalized one with his name ! Some time this morning , I got two baby books and showed / read them to the twins . They loved the pictures of the babies ; Thing 1 kissed the picture of a girl repeatedly . Then I left them to enjoy the books on their own . After I had gone to the kitchen and walked around aimlessly for a few minutes staring at the dirty dishes and pondering whether I wanted to clean them or not , I go back to check on the girls and found them ripping paper covering the binding and eating the paper ! So I take the books a way . Late in the afternoon , in preparing to leave to meet the boys for our Friday picnic , I gather diapers and baby wipes and took then inside the play yard to change diapers . Consistent to what I 've been doing a lot lately , I leave the box of wipes in the play yard . I then go upstairs and get dressed . By the time I got back down to the living room , here is what I saw . I swear these two girls conspired to drive me crazy today when I am already going crazy suffering from womanly pains ( cramps ) . Thing 2 hasn 't stopped stuffing her face since the weekend . Just watch her put all of that waffle in her mouth . It 's quite fascinating . Thing 1 also stuffs her face , but she seems to be more lady - like today . Right after I shot these videos , I run to the laptop to upload them on youtube . After 10 minutes , I go to check on the twins and here is what I saw . After eating all those waffles , I guess there 's nothing else to do but to take a late morning siesta . We were at Big Brother 's school waiting for him to finish playing so we could head home yesterday when the girls played a neat trick on me . I had put a hair clip on Thing 2 because her hair is getting in her eyes . But had to take Thing 1 's away because she kept taking it off and putting it in her mouth . But while at school , I happened to notice that Thing 2 's was gone . So I did my usual sweep of her mouth and found nothing . I looked around her seat and the floor and the basket part of the stroller and didn 't find it . Then I happened to see Thing 1 's hand closed in a tight fist . I checked it and there it was . Did I mention that Thing 1 is on the front and Thing 2 is in the back ? How on earth Thing 1 got a hold of Thing 2 's head is beyond me . Oh , and did I mention that I was inches away from them the entire time and still I didn 't see how it happened . Daddy 's birthday is this weekend , so we had his birthday lunch on Tuesday with the twins . Big Brother was in school . Sorry , little man ! While eating lunch , Thing 2 took breaks in between every 2 - 3 bites to lean over on Daddy and wrap her greasy little hands around his arm . She kept doing it over and over through the entire meal . We 're not quite sure why she did it , but it sure did give her time enough to chew her food and not choke herself like she and her sister did over the weekend . And of course , Daddy just ate up the cuddliness . Thing 1 sat beside me and both she and I just went about our business of eating yummy yummy Italian food . Notice we took the booster seat with us . It was great ! ! For the first time while out , I didn 't need to feed the girls first before I could eat my food . We all ate together . The little man conked out 20 minutes into the long drive home on Monday . But notice the train track still in his hands . He will probably hate me for posting pictures like this when he gets older . Here is Thing 1 . It took her a little while to fall asleep being next Big Brother . But she finally fell asleep after her fingers found her mouth . I don 't think you 're ever seen this much excitement from a 3 - year - old . The problem is , that we built up the trip by telling him he would be able to ride in a train . But the way the trip was structured , the train ride was after 2 hours of walking around and looking at the countless trains . When it was finally time to ride the train , he bee - lined for the train like someone was trying to nip his behind . Look at this boy grinning like a fool . Here is 3 generations in front of the this 1925 train ( picture on the left ) , but it 's actually 5 generations . . Papaw shares his story of riding on this train with his father , and his grandfather running it . Poor little man doesn 't know yet that there is another legacy here in store for him - the big belly . The picture on the right is Daddy and Big Brother 's cousins . . . and no , they are not really funny looking . The sun just happened to be in their eyes . And here we are , the women - folk . I got a work out carrying Thing 2 , but Nana had Thing 1 who is even heavier . Silly me for leaving the stroller at home . Never again ! Thing 2 and Thing 1 had their first real chicken , roast beef , and ham this weekend . Thing 2 stuffed her mouth with a banana . In trying to stuff our large family in the mini - van , we had to down size a few things . The girls ' Graco high - chair were not going to work at all for the trip , unless we wanted someone to ride in the cargo top . So we bought two booster seats instead . These Firsher - Price Healthy Care Booster seats were our answer . It worked out quite well . The twins got to show case their self - feeding ability to Nana . Would you believe each of these two munchkins ate more than their Big Brother at each meal ? Fishing was the big hit of the day on Saturday . The boys ( Papaw , cousin B , Daddy , Big Brother ) all had fishing rods and introduced Big Brother to his first fish ever . There was a rumor of a rule about baiting your own hook , but somehow I was able to cast without doing so and without a license ! Big Brother had a blast , and best of all no limbs got caught in the hook ( Papaw has a story about an a hook on someone 's ear when he was young ? eww ) . But I think he probably got a little board waiting for a fish to bite , but he surely wanted to be told when cousin B caught one so he could touch it . Touch meaning poke the fish with one finger . While the boys were fishing , Nana and I wore the girls and took a walk around the park and watched the geese . I had Thing 2 go with Nana , thinking that if she could see me , she wouldn 't mind being carried by someone else . ( She suffered from major separation anxiety during this trip . ) But it didn 't matter , she fussed a little bit , that is until Nana got moving . We found geese that were hanging around people that were feeding them , so we took a look . The girls were fascinated . There were a couple that thought Thing 2 's toes were yummy , but Nana wasn 't going to let those pretty little toes get nipped at . Then came Big Brother to check out the geese , too . A lovely family gave us some of their bread to feed the geese , so Big Brother got busy . He thought it was all fun and games until the same one that thought Thing 1 's toes looked yummy thought he looked yummy too . " Mommy , it 's going to eat me ! " , he shouted as he hid behind me . After an hour or so , the humidity was too much so we rested and had drinks . I guess Thing 1 was hungry , she started eating the string of my hat . Daddy found the whole thing amusing and very cute , so here we are . Daddy was present by the way . But I only got a picture of him looking lazy and playing with his cell phone . We don 't want the kids looking at this blog 15 years from now thinking their Daddy is lazy , now do we . : - ) We are at the hubby 's parents right now spending the weekend . We took the drive on Friday afternoon just in time for everyone 's nap . There is something remarkable about this trip , since it 's the first time Thing 1 's car seat faces forward . We were re - shuffling everyone to maximize the space in the minivan and ended with Thing 2 and I in the middle row , and Thing 1 and Big bro in the 3rd row ( with Thing 1 directly behind me ) . But I couldn 't get back of my seat upright . Thing 1 's car seat was take too much room . Then we decided to turn her car seat forward , but not before we weighed her though . By our scale , she weighed in at 20 . 5 lbs . With the car seat facing forward , there was plenty of room for me to stretch my legs ! Thing 2 had to remain rear facing though . Daddy kept teasing me about breaking down about this momentous event . He reminded me of the one lowly tear I shed when our son was able to use a public high - chair for the first time when he was four months old . Our lower level AC conked out on us on Tuesday . It was blowing air , but it wasn 't cold . I thought it was a good idea to keep it running , thinking that at least it was circulating the air . But apparently , that wasn 't the best thing to do as it only made the house humid . The AC repairman could drop by that afternoon but gave me a 5 hour window . That wasn 't going to work since I had to go and pick up the little man from school . So it was not until last night that it got fixed . In the meantime , we spent a lot of time upstairs in the master bedroom . Let me just say that the twins knew instantly that there was not a play yard enclosing them . And with big brother in the mix , it was a free for all apparently . Big brother and I were sitting on the couch reading a bed time story , Thing 1 was busy inspecting corners she hadn 't been into before , and Thing 2 was busy eating any lint or hair she could find on the floor . Big brother was working on his milk but left it on top of something , and Thing 1 found it a short moment later . She put it in her mouth and loved the chocolate milk . There was a big outcry from Big brother when he saw it , " That 's my milk ! ! " he says . He runs over to Thing 1 and grabs the sippy cup . " You 're not my best friend , Katie ! " , he says and cries some more . When I was sure Big brother wasn 't going to strangle Thing 1 , I go and run over to Thing 2 to stop her from eating a big knot of hair from the carpet ( ew ! ) . After a few minutes of quiet , I return to reading the book . A few seconds later , I see Thing 1 found Big brother 's sippy cup again . I look over at Thing 2 and she 's crawling towards another piece of lint , or hair , or whatever it was only she could see . Oi ! Daddy walks in on us an says , " This is why we have the play yard . " Yay , Daddy is home ! ! The bangles that the girls wore the other day are beautiful . They were all but forgotten while we were at therapy ( but that could be because of the animal cookies they were too busy stuffing in their faces ) . But that afternoon , I noticed that the short chain that connects the 2 edges of the bangle were just dangling on Thing 1 . I checked it out and the link that connected it to the bangle was gone . ( Momentary panic set in at this time . ) I shoved my forefinger and thumb in Thing 1 's mouth ( I usually just use my pinky , but desperate time calls for desperate measures . Who cares if my fingers were bigger than her mouth ! ) and started the sweep . AHA , there it was . So , adieu pretty bangles . The girls can have you back when they have their own chitlins to panic over . Well , maybe not that long . After all , you 're the first piece of jewelry they ever had ( thanks to some very thoughtful relatives ) . Thing 1 and Thing 2 are sporting boy 's clothing today . It seems only boys ' clothing are ever long enough to cover their knees to afford a little protection when crawling . But no worries , I think the butterfly hair clip and the bangle more than brings their feminine charm . Peek - a - boo , I see you ! ( Thing 2 ) ET phones home . I do hope she 's getting a good reception . ( Thing 1 ) The little man was constantly asking to see fireworks all day long , and thankfully I was able to find one that was rescheduled yesterday evening at 9 : 15 . I didn 't want to raise his hopes again , so I cautioned that if there was a storm , there wouldn 't be any fireworks . But thankfully , though the clouds were cloudy and there were a few rumbles of thunder , it stayed dry . We packed up the kiddies and went the little man 's 2nd fireworks ever . ( His first was at Disney World when he was 18 months old ) . He was so excited , he couldn 't contain himself . We watched from the Target parking lot , which worked out really well . We got there early so we were able to read some bedtime stories . When the the fireworks started , Thing2 's eyes grew as big as a silver dollar , and Thing1 looked ready to throw a humongous wail . But Daddy stayed in the car with them and they calmed down holding onto his hands . We had a late night , but fortunately , for once in this little boy 's life , he woke up late at 8am allowing us to sleep in a bit longer . Someone 's hair was getting too long . With him overheating all the time , we thought it was finally time to just shave it all off . Well , OK , it was ME who thought it should all go . I gave fair warning to Daddy that the little man was ready for his haircut , but it took him a few minutes before he joined the party . When he walked in on me , I was using the 1 - inch hair attachment on the top of the little man 's head . " I want the top long ! " , Daddy said . Um , you should have ran up here when I called you . Here is the big boy modeling his new do . Thing2 and Thing1 hangs out with Big Bro . Had we made it out to the water park today , this is what the girls would have looked like . The hat is from LandsEnd , but I only got the pink because apparently , they ran out of the white . So for the past week , I went from store after store to find another similar sun hat , but couldn 't find one . Finally , I phoned LandsEnd and just ordered whatever color they had . I ended up with a red one , shipped super fast for free ! Gotta love the costumer service there ! I took the picture and Thing2 ended up squinting because of the flash . And after that , she just kept on doing her squinty face . Notice her 4 huge upper teeth and the 2 on the bottom . Gotta love Thing2 's many silly faces . Thing1 displays her lovely swimsuit . She 's been playing with her tongue for the past several days like that . She has the same amount of teeth Thing1 has , but you wouldn 't know it since she 's always hanging out her tongue ! Thing2 discoveres the sexy back hole ! Hers have one too . Thing2 now gets fascinated by her sister 's hat . Did she want to wear the red one instead ? Since Thing1 was feverish last night , we decided that it would be better to let her rest and stay home . So Daddy stayed home with the girls , and I took Big Bro to the water park . Big Bro had an absolute blast . He actually tired a grown up enclosed slide . We weren 't allowed to go together , so I went first so that I could get him right when he came out . It was dark , it was fast , and water just sprayed all over my face . Good thing I had the little man wear his goggles . As he emerged from the slide , he was almost turned over to his belly and had a slightly scared look on his face . I asked him how it was , and he said he got scared and the water went in his mouth . I reassured him that he was so brave for trying a grown up slide , but he didn 't have to do it again . After that , we just enjoyed getting wet , getting splashed , and splashing people . I was able to get him out of there with the promise of seeing the fireworks tonight , but that ended up being a bust . Right at 5pm , a severe thunderstorm rolled in . By 6pm , it was clearing out , so we left the house by 7pm to watch the county firework show . By the time we emerged from our neighborhood , there were branches dangling off of trees , in the middle of the road , and some crews reparing power lines . Surely it wasn 't that bad ? So off we went to our destination , only to find out that the fireworks was cancelled because of the damage the storm caused . Of course the little man wasn 't too happy about it , so we ended up doing a detour to the ice cream shop before heading back home . I am hoping the county will reschedule the fireworks tomorrow . |
Oh my , will this heat wave ever end ? It 's 99 * today , but feels like 105 * . I look at the weather map and my only consolation is that some places are so much hotter than we are . Those poor people in Colorado . They are really suffering with the fires . We need to pray for all of them . We have an air conditioner only in the living room on the first floor . Joe likes to sleep in bed on the second floor all day with the fan going . It is just too hot in the room today . I finally talked him into sleeping on the sofa in the air . That man can sleep through anything ! I dropped a mug and broke it . I dropped some pans ( not on purpose , I 'm just clumsy today ) . I have had the TV on . I 've been coughing ( allergies ) . And he sleeps on . Snoring quite loudly I might add . Now I see what a day at home with him is really like . Ha , ha . It is too hot to cook . The other night I made up a pasta salad that turned out so good . I boiled some gemelli ( the twisted pasta ) and mixed it with some grape tomatoes sliced in half , chopped up broccoli , paper thin slices of onion ( just a little bit ) and a can of tuna . Then I made a dressing of two tablespoons of mayo and two tablespoons of Italian salad dressing . I added salt and pepper and mixed everything well . Then I put it in the fridge to cool for awhile . Delicious . I am going to recreate it tonight along with some corn on the cob and some watermelon for dessert . That should cool us off some . I got the DVD of the movie " The Artist " out of the library , so I think that is what is on the agenda for tonight . We both wanted to see that movie when it was in the theater and never got there . So here 's our chance . It is hard to believe that this is the end of June already . Where does the time go ? Keep your eyes peeled for my new calendar page tomorrow . Enough rambling . I have to go make my salad . Until later . Posted by Thank goodness it was a slow day at work today . Diane is on vacation and it 's Marquita 's day off so just Bob and I were in . I was dreading it but it really wasn 't all that bad . This in spite that it 's the end of the fiscal year and we had all this stuff to do with that . Joe and I were going to go to my sister 's house after work to see the fireworks on the lake she lives near . But it is so HOT and I was so tired that it just wasn 't a good idea to drive 2 hours to get there . I always want to see them , and never do . Oh well , I will have to watch them on youtube . Someone always video tapes them and posts it . It is just too hot to cook here . So I stopped at the store on the way home and got a nice piece of salmon , some potato salad and some tomatoes to slice . I bake my salmon with lemon , butter and herbs from my garden . It always turns out so good . And I don 't have to stand there and mind it on the stove . I have gone round and round in my mind trying to figure out what to show you for your Friday view today . I just couldn 't figure it out . Then I looked at some pictures that I took recently and found this one . This is the view I 've seen out of my front window every evening for 32 years . It never ceases to amaze me . In the front of my house it is night already , but the houses are lit with the light from the sun in the back of my house . If I go to the kitchen , there is still sunlight and the beginning of a sunset . So strange but also so beautiful . Here is what I had to wear for the last 24 hours . I am so glad to be rid of it . Not that I was unhappy that the doctor wanted to see what was going on , it was just uncomfortable and since I am allergic to adhesive it was painful at the end . When I took off the pads , my skin had blistered . Not fun . At least I didn 't have to wear it very long at work . Just 3 hours yesterday and 1 / 2 hour today . And a lot of the time wearing it I was sleeping . That helped a lot . The main problem was going to the bathroom . I couldn 't get there , get myself situated and hold the darn thing ( because it had to be hooked onto my jeans ) quickly . This made for an interesting day . But I also kept dropping it and pulling on my skin . That was not fun . I was at work and sitting at my desk when I took a look at it and it was 55 seconds to the end . I watched it count down . When it got to the end I was so happy . Then it said " Please wait . Do not remove device . " What ? It was another 2 minutes before the screen went blank and I was able to go to the ladies room and remove it . I had to return it between 2 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . today , so I took a 4 : 00 lunch , drove to the hospital , and then drove back to work . I was a little late getting back , but my boss did not make me take time off . That was nice of him . I also got the results of my blood test from last week . My cholesterol and triglycerides were very slightly elevated , but otherwise everything was perfect . Maybe the fact that they took the test right after I had bacon and eggs for breakfast could account for that ! I had them fax the results to the cardiologist . So that 's where everything stands . Probably more information than you want to know , right ? I am hoping and praying that everything turns out not serious , but something turns up that can be easily fixed . I want to feel good again . I haven 't been feeling well for about 6 weeks now . I have gone to the Emergency Room - - they found nothing and sent me home . I have gone to my family doctor and he took blood tests , but hasn 't gotten back to me on the results . Today I went to my cardiologist . He listened to me and is concerned enough with what is happening to give me three tests . Right now I am wearing a 24 - hour heart monitor . What a pain ! Try going to the bathroom when you have a monitor with wires attached to you that you have to hold with one hand so it doesn 't fall . At least it 's only 24 hours . 12 : 30 p . m . tomorrow I can take it off . Then I am taking an early dinner and running it back to the doctor 's office . As usual I forgot to get a note for work , so I will get that while I am there also . I 'm always in such a hurry to get out of that office . I am also going to have a stress test and an echocardiogram . I am determined to find out why I am having heart palpitations and feel like I 'm going to pass out . It 's been a week since I had my blood tests , so I am going to call the office tomorrow and see if the results have come in . I am hoping that whatever it is it 's something simple that a change in dosage of medication ( or a new medicine ) will be able to fix . I am so tired of feeling tired and sick all the time . Welcome to week two of the Summer Reading Program at the library . It was movie Monday and Sheila showed some cartoon videos to the kids this afternoon . About 20 kids showed up so that was good . Remember last week the kids got lanyards and chips as prizes in the reading program ? This week they are getting beach balls . A really cool prize for reading books . They are so cute . The ones I saw were smiley faces : Another one was stars and stripes : Wonder what 's up for next week . As for the brakes , I had been having trouble with my car 's brakes slipping . Even when Joe drove it a few weeks back he noticed it . So when I went to have my oil changed a couple of weeks ago , I had them check the brakes and they found a problem with the front ones . I had to wait to get the money for them . So when I got paid last week I decided to get the brakes fixed today . Brakes are nothing to fool with . It turns out it was much worse than anyone expected . There was a cracked piston in the caliper on the driver 's side . It wouldn 't have lasted much longer . In fact it is only by the grace of God that I didn 't lose my brakes before this . There was a whole big piece missing ! It was also much more expensive than I expected . Three times what I thought it was going to be . The one part they had to replace was $ 119 itself . I 'm going to have to work a lot more overtime to pay for this ! But at least it 's fixed . Today after church our Tuesday Morning Bible Study was invited by one of our members ( Charlie ) to his wife Clara 's retirement party . Clara has worked for the Philadelphia Public School System for 48 years as a music teacher . She is a very nice lady and we were happy to help her celebrate . It was held in the Fellowship Hall of the Bridesburg Presbyterian Church which is 2 blocks from my house . Six of us went : Kathy , Krystal , Donna , Dottie , Joe and me . Their service is 10 : 00 to 11 : 00 . Ours is 10 : 30 to 12 : 00 so we were late getting there . It was still nice even though we missed the speeches and proclamation from the School Board . So nice to just get together and talk and eat and enjoy each other 's company . Here are some pictures from it . There was a string quartet playing classical music as we ate . There was tons of food : roast beef , meatballs , fried chicken , pasta salads , green beans , green salad , potato salad , fruit salad , etc . After the classical music came jazz . Really good jazz . Here 's Joe and Dottie . And Kathy , Krystal and Donna . Charlie sat down and joined us for awhile . Dottie and Kathy had a good time dancing . Krystal , Donna and Joe applauding the musicians . As we were leaving I finally got a picture of the lady of the hour . Clara is standing behind Joe talking to a man in yellow . Joe is saying goodbye and thank you to Charlie . It was a fun time . I hope Clara has a wonderful retirement . Here is another post in the continuing series " Famous People Joe Has Met " . As I said last time he has met more famous people than anyone I know . This time I will tell you about him meeting Olivia Newton John . Joe was on vacation in Hawaii in the early 1990s . He was staying at the Hilton Hawaiian Villages in Honolulu . One part of the hotel had a series of very small shops along a walkway . One of these shops belonged to Olivia Newton John . He went into her shop and was looking around for souvenirs . While he was in the shop Olivia Newton John walked in . He overheard her telling the manager that that particular store was underperforming in sales . Joe walked over and asked her if she was Olivia Newton John and she said yes . Since he had worked in sales at one time , he started talking to her about the sales . He told her that she needed to relocate her business to a place where there was more foot traffic and people had a taste for what was in her shops . She wrote everything down and thanked him . Only Joe could do this . I would have just asked her for her autograph . Too bad I wasn 't with him back then . I know this is Saturday morning . 2 : 14 a . m . to be exact . I fell asleep right after dinner and just woke up . Now I can 't sleep , so I am going to get caught up . This has been one of the longest weeks of my life . It seemed as if it would never end . It went on and on ( just like I 'm doing now ) . On Tuesday I worked at Fishtown but because I usually work there on Friday , I thought Wednesday was going to be Saturday . And every day after that I thought it was Friday and the next day was going to be my day off . What has become of my mind ? Of course when you think Wednesday is Saturday it makes for a very long week . I got a call at work today from the nurse in the Neurology Clinic . The level of one of Joe 's medications was low in his blood . He had to take an extra dose of that . And instead of waiting to be seen in November , they moved his appointment to July 25 . He had only one small seizure today , well Friday , so that is a big improvement . It was still very hot here today . That 's three days of excruciating heat . So hard to breathe outside . Temperatures today got up to 98 * with a heat index of 105 * . Even your skin gets hot when you walk outside . Tonight we went with our friends Walt and Carole to Cracker Barrel in Mt . Laurel , NJ for dinner . Joe and I try to go out on payday and I know he loves Cracker Barrel . It was overcast on our way over . The sky looked like it would pour at any minute . We had a nice dinner . Well , they had dinner and I just wanted breakfast . I wasn 't real hungry and I love their breakfast . While we were eating , it started pouring . It looked like a hurricane ! The wind was blowing so hard . By the time we finished eating , it had let up . We picked the right time to eat ! The up side of it is that a lot of the heat and humidity is gone . The weekend is supposed to be very nice . Well , here is your Friday View . You can 't go to Cracker Barrel without having a smile on Joe 's face . He really loves it there . Until later , folks ! Well folks it wasn 't Little Caesar 's last night . I was so tired and not feeling good so I went right home and we called Bridesburg Pizza and got a pepperoni pie . It was good . I haven 't felt good in over a month now . I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning , so hopefully he will be able to help me find out just exactly what 's wrong . I just want to be back to myself . Well , here is the last sunrise of Spring 2012 . Isn 't it pretty ? This was taken from my car . At 6 : 00 a . m . we were on our way to the Veteran 's Hospital to get Joe his blood test . I was surprised at how few cars are headed to center city that time of day . I thought it would be crowded already , but we moved right along . We had to wait about an hour , but all went well and I was only 1 / 2 hour late for work . It 's a good thing I wasn 't too late because today was the day the Philadelphia Eagles Book Mobile came to the library to kick off the Summer Reading Program . They were there for about 40 minutes and had such a good program . We had about 50 kids and their parents . Storybook Man ( the # 1 reader ) came with his friends . He read a couple of books to the kids ( with much fanfare I might add ) . Don 't you just love his big shoes ? After he was done reading , they handed out books to all the kids . And led the kids in the Eagles cheer : E - A - G - L - E - S . . . EAGLES ! ! ! ! After they left there was another lady came who did face painting . This was my favorite one of the faces she painted . Love the dragon . It has been so hot today . It was 97 degrees , but felt like 105 . I didn 't go out at lunch , but everyone who came in was saying how hot it was . I was shocked when I left at 5 p . m . Hot ? Hot wasn 't a strong enough word ! It was like walking into a blazing fire . I had already decided not to cook this evening . So I went to Wawa and got hoagies and watermelon . What a combination ! But it was cool , and it was good . I plan to get up early tomorrow and make a pasta salad for dinner . That way when I get home from work at 8 : 30 p . m . the dinner is already done and it 's cool . I just can 't coPosted by The title says it all . The day began with me baking muffins for Bible Study only to get a call from Trish that she was on the way over with coconut cupcakes and homemade chocolate candy for the group . Why can I never remember which Tuesday I don 't have to bake ? Well , the good news is I froze the muffins and will thaw them out for next week ( or the week after that since we have leftovers from today ) . I will not have to get up at 5 : 30 a . m . to bake for a couple of weeks . I like that . I like that a lot . We are studying the book of James . Last night Joe and I went over what was going to be covered today - - James 1 : 9 - 12 ( trials ) . How everyone faces trials . How life is full of trials , but God uses those things to teach and grow us . How we should not be filled with pride because we are either poor or rich . How God will give us a crown of eternal life if we give ourselves to Him . I am so glad we went over things . Joe got up today , ate breakfast , started to get ready to go to church , said he didn 't feel good , ran to the bedroom and just got in bed when he had a very bad seizure . One of the worst I have ever seen him have . His arms were thrashing all over the place and his head was shaking like he was trying to shake his brains out . I stood back and watched to make sure he didn 't fall out of bed , but at a safe distance so I wouldn 't get hit . He would have done some serious damage to me . Of course now he needed to stay in bed , so he sent me to teach . I am not supposed to be teaching since I am not an elder and that is a requirement in our church . But already the people were sitting on the steps waiting for us to open the church . So I ran over there and took over the meeting . And it was a very good meeting . Lots of interaction which is always a good thing . You don 't always have to agree 100 % with what the other people are saying , but having them think and analyze the scripture is good . Of course , a good teacher tries to bring them into his / her way of thinking . : ) After Bible Study I had to get ready for work . It was my day at FisPosted by Today was the first day of our summer reading program . Bob was at Fishtown Branch today so it was just Diane and me . At first it was very slow . We wondered where all the kids were . Didn 't anyone want to come in ? Then 2 p . m . hit . Mondays are " Movie Mondays " from 2 : 00 - 3 : 30 . Lots of kids came for the movie . Lots of kids signed up for Summer Reading . It was hard to keep up with everything . For the first week the kids got a lanyard , a bag of chips , and a free pass for the Art Museum . Pretty nice . I wish I was young enough to join . They didn 't have this program when I was a kid . It 's my turn for Fishtown tomorrow . I was told it 's going to be crazy . I 'm going in prepared ! Posted by Very seldom do Joe and I watch a movie . But my boss , Jerry , recommended one to me and insisted I take it home . It 's a Woody Allen film called " Midnight in Paris . " Usually if Jerry likes a movie , I don 't . He has recommended other movies to us that we hate . So it was with fear and trepidation that we put it in the DVD player . Well , for once Jerry recommended a movie we liked . It was great . It started off really slow and we were trying to decide if we wanted to watch it or not . I 'm glad we persevered . It 's the story of a guy named Gil who is engaged to a woman who is totally not for him . They are in Paris . She wants him to return to Los Angeles and rewrite movie scripts . He wants to stay in Paris and write a great novel . He loves Paris of the 1920s . In case any of you have not seen it and want to I will not go any further with the plot . But if you haven 't seen it , I highly recommend it . Posted by Ever have one of those days ? One of those days where you do absolutely nothing . I mean really nothing . That was me today . I haven 't been feeling really great lately . My blood pressure has been super high and out of control even though I am taking my medication . Seeing my doctor on the 27th to see if he can tweak my meds to where I am feeling good again . That was the earliest appointment I could get . It 's been hard to go to work . And I 'm so tired all the time . So today I decided to just lay around and be lazy . So I was . You know what ? I 'm feeling better now . Maybe I just needed a down day . Maybe I 've been stressed with Joe having seizures . By the way , day two with no seizures . Thank you , Lord . And thank you all for your prayers . There is a building across the street that is owned by the Viet Nam Veterans ' Memorial Society . They have a lot next to their building that everyone on this street and the next street over parks on . We really need that extra parking . Unfortunately , the neighbors have abused that privilege by throwing trash on it and letting their dogs do their business without cleaning up . So they have decided to fence the property in . It is certainly within their right to do so , but it will make things in this neighborhood really bad . They were out there early this morning making a lot of noise . It woke me up at 6 : 30 a . m . But being the blogger I am , I looked out of the window and took pictures of it . Around 4 : 00 p . m . Joe and I got up and decided we should run some errands . We went to Home Depot to pay Joe 's bill , ShopRite to do our food shopping ( we haven 't gone in three weeks and were out of EVERYTHING ) , and then WalMart to pay Joe 's bill . Of course you can 't go to WalMart and not buy something . I needed my allergy medicine , but then I saw this cute t - shirt which I want to use for 4th of July . Wish I had had it for Flag Day this past week . On to dinner now . We 're having salmon , corn on the cob and a salad . I love eating " summer " food . This has been a very strange day . Our guard was out all day at a doctor 's appointment . Diane had to work at the Fishtown Branch . Our Children 's Librarian was on vacation . Our Branch Head was at a meeting all morning downtown . So just Bob and I were at the library . We aren 't allowed to open without at least 3 people ( usually 4 ) so we were closed this morning . It was strange with just the two of us in the building . But we got a lot of work done . Even stranger when Bob went home for lunch and it was just me in the building . This afternoon was busy ( as you can imagine ) but not as bad as I thought it would be . I was very tired , though , and very happy to go home at 5 : 00 p . m . I was so tired that Joe called out for dinner . I got a crab cake platter that was very good . It just hit the spot . Thank you for all your prayers for Joe . So far today he has not had a seizure which is a very good thing . For today 's Friday view I thought I would show you today 's sunrise and sunset . I have been asked if I still get up to take the sunrise . The answer is yes , I do . However I don 't get every day . My brother Larry , however , does get every one . I think when I don 't have to get up around 5 : 00 a . m . to get it , I 'll be getting more sunrises . SUNRISE SUNSETFor some reason the sunsets are always prettier than the sunrises . Wonder why . EVERY NEW DAY IS A GIFT FROM GOD ! First off , thank you everyone for your prayers . God really does hear and answer them . Joe had an appointment at the VA Hospital this morning , but just had another seizure and is not able to get there . After the seizures he feels really bad and is not up to going anywhere . I called our family doctor and he was able to see him at 10 : 30 today , but again , he was not able to get out of bed . So as of now , we will see Dr . Merrow on Monday at 3 : 30 . I will leave work early to go with him . Joe doesn 't want me to go , but I want to know what is going on if I am the one that has to take care of him . You might notice a new ticker on the bottom . I was trying to figure out yesterday how long I have till I can retire and get things at home under control . ( And get my whole pension , not just a part of it . ) Four years seems like a long time , but hey , it 's the middle of June already . The time just whizzes by and it will be here before I know it . Where does the time go ? I 'm hoping this weekend to get the grill cleaned off and do some outdoor cooking . Even if we eat inside in the air conditioning , food cooked outside always seems to taste better . Work has been very busy . Yesterday we got 16 cartons of potato chips to use as prizes for the summer reading program . At the end of the summer anything left over gets eaten by the staff . And there 's always some left over . There will be another 16 cartons delivered in July . The kids also get pencils , books , keychains , etc . Every week is a different prize . They have to read at least one book a week , watch one video and / or attend one program . It 's a great deal for the kids . It gives them something to do over the summer and ( hopefully ) keeps them out of trouble . I had the oil changed in my car yesterday and found out that the front brakes are going . The rear brakes are fine though . They adjusted them . I didn 't have the money to get the front ones fixed until I get paid next Friday , so Monday the 25th the car goes back in for the front brakes . The mechanic said it was pPosted by Friends , I don 't often put something too serious on this blog . I try to show the lighter side of life . But this week I have seen the power of prayer . I mean POWER . God knows what we need , but He also wants to hear from us . So I am asking you - - no pleading with you - - to join me in prayer for my husband Joe . Joe has epilepsy . It has been under control for a long time - - just about a year . He was doing good and had even been able to drive for short distances again . But this week has been terrible . While we were down the shore he said he just didn 't feel well . Later in the week he started acting strangely . He just wasn 't himself . Nothing either of us could put our finger on . Then on Sunday morning we were getting ready for church . He was sitting at the table eating breakfast and we were talking . All of a sudden his head fell forward and he started falling off of his chair . I grabbed him so he wouldn 't fall and held on to him until the seizure passed . ( I have to add he does not have gran mal seizures - - it 's just like he falls asleep on the spot . ) So I got him to bed . Usually if he has a seizure he falls asleep , sleeps off the massive headache he gets and all is good . That 's the way it was now . Then on Monday morning , about 2 am . , he got out of bed to go to the bathroom . I heard a bang and went running in . He had had a seizure and fell head first into the bathtub . It took me about 1 / 2 hour to get him out . He has bruises on his head . This morning he has had two more seizures . We don 't know what is going on since he is taking the same medication in the same dosage that kept him seizure free for a year . We have a call in to the doctor , but he has not called back . Please pray for Joe . We know God is able to take these all away from him or relieve him from them . I am trying to run home from work at lunch and call him on the phone during the day , but I don 't know how long I can keep this up . If you would pray for Joe , please just leave the word praying in the comments section . It would mean so much to us to know people are prayiPosted by Mondays are always busy at the library . Especially during the summer months when we are closed on Saturdays . People just can 't seem to live their lives without being at the library every day to check their email or get their weekend movies . Today was especially bad because it was the first week we had been closed for the whole weekend . To top it off we had two people off today . We usually get about 15 phone calls a day . Today we had 38 . Usually make 8 - 10 new cards . Today 26 . Usually are asked 10 questions . Asked 29 today . What was with everyone ? At least there weren 't any rude people . Of course there is always the strange phone call . Woman : Hello , I checked my account on - line . It says I owe money . I know I returned my video . Why do I owe $ 1 ? Me : Let me look up your account . May I have your library card number ? Woman : G - - d - - - , I knew you were going to ask that . Now I have to find my card . ( If you knew I was going to ask that , why didn 't you have your card there ? ) Woman : ( after a pause gives me her number ) I don 't owe no G - - d - - - f - - - ing money . Me : You returned your video one day late . Woman : But I renewed it . Me : Yes , you renewed it until June 4th . You returned it June 5th . Woman : ( curses profusely ) I can 't believe this * * * * * * * * * * * * ( fill in the blank if you dare ) . Then she says calmly and nicely : Thank you so much for your time . Sorry to have bothered you . Have a nice day . Huh ? ? ? They 're out there folks . It 's scary . Really , really scary . Posted by It is after midnight and I am just now getting around to posting . It 's not that I did anything on Saturday . I am still so tired . I have to work today ( Sunday ) so I decided the thing to do would be to take a day and just do nothing so I could work 6 days straight this week . I have decided that it is just too much on me to work too many Sundays , so I have cut it down to one a month . Not as much money coming in , but my health is so much more important . So the only thing I did do was to work out in the yard . Frank , the guy who does our grass , also does my weeding for me because I just cannot do it anymore . My poor back and legs really stop me even though the spirit is willing . I will not let him touch my rose bushes though , so I cut them back and Frank weeded and cut back the ivy that threatens to overtake everything in the yard . It is amazing how much better everything looks . And bigger too . We did only one side of the yard because the other side has poison ivy . Frank is HIGHLY allergic to it . So is Joe . I 'm not . I started to pull it up , but there was so much that I just decided to get the poison and spray it all . According to the bottle it should die in 2 to 6 weeks . Frank has off from work every other Saturday , so in two weeks he will be back and we will ( hopefully ) finish the other side . At least that side is not as bad as the one we did today . It shouldn 't take long to do at all . In the meantime , I thought you might like to see some pictures of the flowers out there . Looking mighty nice these days . RoseColeusAnd more coleusLots of pansies . Although they are starting to wilt with the heat we have been having lately . The impatiens are doing wonderful . So pretty . The hydrangea are starting to bloom , but I don 't have any pictures of them . That will have to be another post . Hi , I 'm Kathy and I live in historic Philadelphia , PA . I 've been married for 10 years to Joe , my best friend . Being the oldest of 10 children I have lots of family and absolutely love it . I retired in January 2016 so I am finding my way through being a stay - at - home wife after spending 20 years working for a public library system . Come along with me as I explore my new role as a homemaker . It is never dull in my world . |
Like Erin , I 've been feeling the need to make sure that my stuff isn 't available to the whole wide world . Only problem is , that was kind of my point in the first place , to make my stuff easily accessible to anybody who wanted to read it . But considering how there is a fairly good chance that Crimson is going to a publisher because of the scholarship I 'm entering , I 've decided that a private blog is probably best . People can get samples from this blog and contact me if they want more . If you want to be invited , send me an email at mela _ 7 _ 12 @ hotmail . com . And Shannon , if you 're reading this , I 'm dying to know what happens next in Princess Rivalee . Please post more . I hate the one I 've been writing . I always cringe whenever I think about it . It was always completely different from the direction I wanted to go . So I started over . I Prologue was perfect so I left it alone . I love this version a lot more . Have the new chapter 1 . Snow fell softly . The day had yet to wake . This was always my favorite part of the day . It was the time when nobody was yet awake to spread their ugly stain over the dying world . Sorry , the " healing " world . At least , it was temporarily healing . It would continue to heal until our pathetic little point on the globe passed under The Burn Zone . Then everything would die . It would happen . I knew it . If it had happened before , it would happen again . It was only a matter of time . The snow covered the death , that 's what I liked best about it . As long as there was a layer of snow , the world looked pretty . However , the gleaming sparkles would soon be the color of the gray death they covered . The plows would roll through , and the pretty would be gone . But that time was not yet . Until then I would enjoy this respite from my dreary existence . Behind me I could hear the deep breathing of seventeen other girls . Not one of them had ever said more than maybe two words to me . I could say that it didn 't bother me . I could say that I liked the loneliness . I could say that listening to them talk about this boy or that boy or the fabulous life associated with doing this or that job . I could say that I never wanted them to include me in their meaningless conversations . I could say all of that , but I 'd be lying . My bed was the closest to the window . In most living situations , that would be the best place to sleep . But this wasn 't most situations . This was an orphanage . I 'm sure that back before The First Burning , orphanages were well funded . They were probably stocked with blankets and pillows and four square meals a day for the children who weren 't old enough to go to their Glimpses . But that was in the before time . This is now . I shivered and tugged my thin blaat I couldn 't find words I wanted to express the emotions I was going through . Shock ? Hurt ? Anger ? Longing ? " Your son is a Crimson ? " My breath escaped from me in a whisper . " No . " My head jerked away from the picture to gape at her . " What ? " " I said no . " She set the picture down gently , lovingly , on the desktop . " What do you mean he 's not ? " " He 's not . " " I don 't understand . " She smiled at my confusion . " Kya , my son is not now , nor has he ever been a Crimson . He 's a red shirt , yes . But he is not a Crimson . " The truth smacked me in the face . Sam saw the comprehension on my face , but chose to let me say it . She understood that I would never truly understand until I said it out loud . " You didn 't give him up ? " " No . " I sat back in my chair . The small picture expanded before my eyes until it filled my whole frame of vision . The people in the picture changed . I saw my parents laughing and smiling , holding me tight in their arms . I saw their love for me shining in their faces . I saw my life that would never be . Sam stepped in front of the picture , breaking my trance . I gasped for breath . I had stopped breathing . Tears carved silent paths down my cheeks . Sam took my hands and pulled me to my feet . " I don 't want to sound like an insensitive monster , Ky , but you need to stop crying . If people think you 've been crying , there will be no end to what you 'll have to suffer through until the end of the day . " She wiped a tear away . I nodded . I knew she was right . I pulled my hands out of hers and rubbed the final tears away . I am Kya . I am strong . Sam pulled a small bag from one of her drawers . Makeup ? She had me sit down on the desk . " Let 's get rid of the evidence shall we ? " I almost laughed . She still sounded exactly like the Sam I remembered . She started the operation , though I 'm not sure it could do much to help . I had questions . " So why didn 't you . . . " I couldn 't finish the question without making it sound mean . She understood what I was failing to ask . " If The Sociat If you 've read this story and there was a boy named Austin , it is important to note that his name has changed to Scott . If you 've read this story and there was no boy named Austin , please ignore this message : DChapter 2As luck went , my next class was Literature . This had always been my favorite class I could forget myself and every other stupid thing I dealt with daily . Though I was assigned a locker , a red locker , I never used it . As always , the sooner I was seated in class , the better . I walked through the door and took a quick survey of the seating arrangements . The desks were divided down the middle and faced each other . My best option would be the opposite corner of the room from the door . There was only one problem with that . The seat was already taken . Scott looked up when he felt my eyes on him . His gaze narrowed and he gave a very subtle shake of the head . I was to sit nowhere near him . I opted for a different corner , and waited to see what other surprises the class would bring . Not surprisingly , they weren 't pleasant . The dark haired boy walked in with some of his posse tailing nosily along behind him . They didn 't see me at first as I wasn 't in direct sight from the door . Scott , however , was . When the dark haired boy opened his mouth , his friends shut up . " Well , well , well , if it ain 't high and mighty Mr . Crim . Long time no see , crim boy . Did you have a nice summer ? You were doing an internship at the dump , right ? " Scott didn 't lift his head to acknowledge him . He was drawing something . He finished some shading with one of his red colored pencils , and closed the cover of his notebook . He met the dark haired boy 's eyes steadily . " It 's sad that you really don 't have anything better to do with your time , Newman . " Newman 's eyebrows drew closer together . " Shut your mouth , Crimson ! " Scott smiled challengingly at him . " Surely that 's not the best you can do ? " Newman sought for anything to say . " I met your girlfriend this morning . She 's a pretty little thing . " Scott leaned bacat If you are reading this , STOP ! ( Today 's date is 12 / 20 / 2012 , different from when I originally posted this over a year ago . ) If you didn 't know , after writing three chapters of this story , the first of which is below , I started over because I hated the direction it was going in so I started over from a new direction that is so much better it 's not even funny . You are free to read chapters one , two , and three of the bad story if you choose . They are still up on this blog . But I would highly not recommend it for its superficial quality and all around bad writing . Also you might get confused . Instead , I recommend you follow this link here to the real chapter one . The prologue is the same for both , so worry not if you 've already read it . If you haven 't , I recommend you read that first , lest you get confused . The next paragraph ( the one not bolded ) , is the start of the original post posted on 11 / 26 / 2011 at 9 : 55 PM Mountain Standard Time . I mentally prepared myself for the onslaught that was sure to come . It was my first day at senior high . Up until this point of my life , boys and girls had been segregated into their respective schools . Now that I was 17 , I 'd been moved to the combined school . This was the age that the government had deemed right for boys and girls to start paring off , not that I 'd ever be permitted to get married . I would attend senior high until I 'd completed my final three years of class . After that , the government would decide what to do with me . To me , boys were a completely different race . Living in the girls ' orphanage , attending the junior girl 's school , I 'd had practically no interactions with any boys . I had no idea what to expect . I sat in the back of the bus by myself . The rest of the orphanage girls were chattering nonstop in the front . Loneliness had been my only companion for the past eight years . I absently rubbed the hem of my shirt with my thumb and forefinger . It had become my nervous habit . Most of my red shirts were torn in the spot I was now rubbing . Every shirt I owned looked exactly the same . One good thing was I never had a problem choosing an outfit in the morning . One bad thing was my life was horrible and I never had a choice in anything . So far as I knew , no one had been named Crimson since me . I 'd replayed my doomsday over and over in my mind . It had taken me a few years to uncover my mistake . My mistake was succeeding . The whole point of the room was to judge my reaction . From what they had witnessed , I had no fear . I had methodically found the handle , something that must have been very rare among nine year - old children . And what 's more , I had escaped . The number of people who had accomplished that feat had to be close to none . If I hadn 't escaped through the duct , the walls would have stopped before squishing me . All of it had been a test to assess my fear . I 'd proved to them that they couldn 't scare me . I 'd proved to them that I had an analytical mind . I 'd proved to them that I was a criminal . Now my life was an ugly , dark , black hole because I had been too stupid and stubborn to sit down on the floor and cry like any other nine year - old . Leave it to the government to create a test where failing was passing and passing was failing . It was a wonder any of us were sane . I had been nursing another theory in the back of my mind for some time . Maybe the government hadn 't named me Crimson because I was the most likely suspect to commit a crime . Maybe they had named me Crimson because they feared me . I was probably a long way off , but the idea made me feel better inside . The bus rolled to a stop in front of the school . I closed my eyes and counted backwards from ten . The fear was gone . I was ready to face the harassments . I filed along after the giggling girls down the aisle of the bus . I could hear boys outside catcalling to the girls in front of me as they exited . I was the last off the bus . I didn 't know what to expect , but it certainly wasn 't what I received . The boys became louder . My cheeks flushed in embarrassment . I expected the boys to back off and pay some attention to the girls that were practically pushing themselves at them . That wasn 't the case . I sped up my gait so I could reach the school . One of the boys stepped into my path . I pulled up short of running into him . He had dark hair and gleaming eyes that matched . He slipped a piece of paper into my front pocket of my red jeans . I jerked back . His hands were not allowed to be down there ! " It 's my address , " he told me . His face twisted into a smile that curled my stomach . " Come over any night you 're lonely and need a man 's help . " I didn 't understand what he was hinting at . His friends did , though . There obnoxious laughter filled the air around me . I pushed passed the dark haired boy . One thing the boys had said was true : I wasn 't exactly on the tall side . When the boys attempted to follow me , I weaved my way through the students . The first thing that struck me as I walked into the school was the noise . It echoed off every wall directly into my ears . I would have to get used to that . Inside , there were lines of waiting people . They were the lines to pick up your schedules . The line you were in depended on your last name . I looked longingly at the line labeled G - J . I pictured myself standing in that line , telling them my name was Kya Harris . I saw them giving me a schedule that matched . I blinked . The fantasy was over . My line was positioned at the far right end of the table . I don 't know if line was the right word considering there was nobody in it . I walked to the CRIMSON line . The lady sitting behind the table gave me a smile . It was a gift I wouldn 't wish to bestow on anyone . Her eyes held absolutely no joy . A small folder was sitting in front of her . She knew my name . There was no way she couldn 't . She wanted me to say it to remind myself who I was . " Kya Crimson . " Her smile widened . " Yes , it is . Don 't you forget that for a moment . " She pulled my schedule out her folder and handed it to me . " Enjoy your next three years at Senior High , Miss Crimson . " Her eyes looked passed me . There was someone waiting behind me . There was someone waiting behind me ? ! The person pressed a torn piece of paper into my hand . I curled my fingers into a fist around the paper . I stepped to the side so the person could have their turn with the nasty lady . I walked a short distance away and looked down at the words in my hand . Wait for me . We need to talk . The lady sighed . " Oh , Scott . One of these days you are going to learn that your defiance is the reason that you 're in the position you 're in . I pray for your sake that you learn the lesson soon . " She handed him his schedule . " Your name is Scott Crimson . Don 't forget it . Enjoy your final year at Senior High . " Scott turned away without a second glance . He stormed in my direction . Whatever I 'd imagined him saying flew from my mind when he opened his mouth . " Listen close because I 'm not going to repeat this . I 've worked too hard to get where I am to let some new little crimy mess it up . Just because we 're in the same boat doesn 't mean I 'm not eager to throw you to the sharks . Don 't talk to me . Don 't eat lunch with me . Don 't even look at me . To you I don 't even exist . Got it ? " I could scribble make a friend off of my Things - To - Do list . It didn 't look like it was going to happen . So far , my first day at Senior High was running smoothly . I gathered up the shattered piece of my dignity and went to my first class : Modern History . I don 't know why they called it Modern History . It was the only history class offered . It was the government 's way of reminding us how we got to where we are . I hated it . It was a class where everyone would consciously be aware there was a Crimson in the room . I walked into the classroom long before the bell rang . I carefully chose my seat in the back corner farthest from the door . I could feel the teacher 's eyes on me , but I didn 't look up . Modern History teachers were the worst when it came to persecuting the Crimson . I sat down in my seat and didn 't look up . There was a very specific reason for my seat choice . The back corner of the room provided three things . The first , nobody could sit behind me and stare daggers or play pranks . I did not want a repeat of my 11 year - old class when somebody decided to give me a haircut . The second thing was that fewer people could be adjacent to me . The fewer people sitting by me , the easier it was for me to protect my things . In my last school , it had been a sign of popularity to have one of the Crimson 's things . My stuff wasn 't exactly easy to replace and so I didn 't appreciate people stealing it just for the fun of it . The third reason , I would be last out the door . This reason followed the same reasoning as my second reason . The fewer people brushing by and walking passed my desk , the less chance I would have of misplacing my stuff . Stealing my things didn 't make them criminals , unfortunately . Stealing my things made them jerks . The national anthem started playing in the halls . That was the signal to get to class . As the students began picking their seats , I let a small smile break out on my face . It wasn 't a full class . Nobody sat in any of the desks surrounding me . The teacher stood up and began . " Class , my name is Mr . Ember . In here you will learn what advancements we 've made over cultures in the past to reach our high level of society . " He flicked off the lights and turned on a slide show . The first picture was a pre - society painting of a meteor about to strike the earth . A hurricane was just offshore . A tornado was ripping buildings apart . The city was aflame from lightning crashing overhead . The streets were folded in on themselves from an earthquake . In the distance a volcano had erupted . People were dying in the streets . The caption at the bottom read " The End of the World : December 21 , 2012 . " Mr . Ember continued . " December 21 , 2012 . Pre - society , this was a day people feared . To them it was the appointed end of the world . But The One and his original council didn 't see it that way . They saw the date as the end of a cycle . And with the end of every cycle , there must be a beginning . The One had a beginning in mind . " On December 21 , 2012 , The One led a successful coup against the officials of what was once the United States of America . Some of the citizens rebelled , but a large majority accepted The One with open arms . ' It was time for a change , ' they said . The rebels banded together and went into hiding . The One found them and they were taken care of . " " The One destroyed practically all criminal activity overnight . The prisons were emptied with no ill effects . It is still unknown to this day how he did it all . He knew that it wasn 't enough to rout out the standing criminal enterprises . If he didn 't do something , it would continue on with the rising generation . " He pulled an idea from the book Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky . Half way through the book , a man named Porfiry theorizes that children would have signs at birth that pointed them out for the scum they truly are . He developed the test that each of us takes at the age of nine to see if we had the attributes that pointed us out as good citizens or criminals . The criminals must wear only red so us good citizens can see them for the scum that they really are . Isn 't that right Miss Crimson ? " I had expected this . I 'd been asked this same question in every Modern History class I 'd taken since I was nine . It didn 't get easier as the years passed . One thing he 'd said had been wrong . Crimsons didn 't only wear red . Crimsons lived red . I adjusted my red bag to a more comfortable position on my lap under my desk . I looked away from Mr . Ember . I picked up my red pen from where it sat next to my red eraser and started doodling red pictures on my red lined paper . To top it all off , the glances from my fellow students scorched my face until it turned red . Only when Mr . Ember decided that nothing more could be gained by staring me down did he continue with the lesson . I 'm not ashamed to admit that I didn 't listen at all for the rest of class . I had every part of Modern History memorized . The events that took place were the only reasons that I was different from everybody else . Then again , perhaps it was good they did happen . Pre - society I might have been out robbing a bank . This was , and would always be , the better way to live . This story is my other idea for an entry for the novel scholarship I want trying to get . Please respond with feedback or vote on the poll on the right for your choice . PrologueMy chair was hard and I shifted every couple of seconds to find a more comfortable position . My dad 's arm slipped around my shoulder . " Stop worrying , " he whispered against my hair . I gave him a nervous smile . He was right . I didn 't have anything to be afraid of . I 'd spent the entire first ten years of my life in anticipation for this day . I would be fine . Almost nobody failed anymore . The system had proved very affective in rooting out criminals from our society . It had been in place for nearly 100 years now . Crimes had become all but extinct . There was absolutely no reason for me to be afraid . I took a few steadying breaths and relaxed . " Kya Harris ! " It was my turn . My nervousness flooded over me again . My parents smiled encouragingly at me . I gave them a weak smile in return and stood . The walk to the doors was a long one . Actually , it was only 50 or so steps , but each one felt like I was crossing a chasm . I felt every single one of the pairs of eyes boring into my spine . After I was gone , they would wait to learn my fate . I crossed through the doors . Most of the people in the hall I 'd just exited were bored out of their minds . It was all so predictable . Nobody came up red . I could even imagine some of them wishing that I would be red just to end the monotonous of it all . I would prove them wrong . They would have to wait for a little longer before the streak ended . I had no idea what to expect beyond the door . A smiling attendant with a clipboard greeted her . She made a show of looking down to at her clipboard . I knew it most likely that the lady had checked the clipboard before I had entered through the door . Everyone liked to be prepared in advance , why would this lady be any different . The show was probably to help the nervous nine - year olds relax with how ordinary of a thing it was . The attendant " found " what she was lat Tyler watched her disappear with a sinking heart and growing frustration . He turned around and walked back into the alley . The man was still groaning , but Tyler ignored him . He quickly found his knife and jammed it into its sheath . He looked hard at the ground , silently begging it to swallow him up . His eyes were drawn to a long knife sitting on the ground not too far away . Tyler curiously went over and lifted it up . He found the royal insignia emblazoned on the hilt . That 's when he knew it was Allison 's . Tyler pushed all thoughts of her away and stowed the knife in his satchel . He left the alley and went back to the pub . The once crowded room had emptied since he 'd gone . Tyler didn 't stop to acknowledge the bartender , but went straight to retrieve his guitar before sulking home . The house was a simple cottage on the outskirts of the village . Tyler lived there with his dog , Bandit . When he walked through the door it seemed more empty than usual . He set his guitar aside and sat down at the table with his head in his hands . Wearily , Tyler replayed the night 's events in his mind . Allison had come to hear him sing , but that didn 't necessarily mean she liked him . Somehow she 'd ended up in that alley and he had rescued her . So she was probably grateful to him , not in love with him . And then he 'd tried to kiss her . Tyler slammed his fist against table , a pained expression on his face . She probably thought he was some creeper , the same as those men who had almost . . . Tyler couldn 't bear to think about it . No wonder she had run away like that . Any minimal chance he might have had with her was now crushed . Tyler looked up at the weapons that lined the walls . He had practiced countless hours with them every day , so that , if the need arose , he might be able to protect his princess . First part of the plan had worked , so why had he tried to kiss her ? Tyler looked at the other wall ; this one was lined with instruments . When he wasn 't weapons training , he was practicing his instruments in hope to one day win her heart . He realized he would never be invited back to the palace to play ever again after Allison told the king and queen what he 'd tried to do . A huge source of his income would be gone because he 'd tried to follow one stupid impulse . Tyler stood up and walked outside to see the stars . His eyes were automatically drawn to two stars in the western sky , one dim and one bright . As a young boy , Tyler had labeled the bright one Allison , and the dim one as himself . Tonight , the stars seemed farther apart than they had ever been before . Tyler realized exactly how much of his life he 'd devoted to a fantasy . He walked back into the house with new resolve . He would stop chasing after a dream . If she didn 't want him , so be it . Tears streamed down Allison 's face as she rode through the silent city . She was almost amazed she still had tears to cry after all that had happened . Had he really almost . . . ? Did he really just . . . ? She couldn 't wrap her mind around the idea . This wasn 't how it was supposed to happen . She was supposed to marry a prince , not fall in love with a commoner . But I don 't love him , she reminded herself again . She could see the palace looming closer . She brought her mount to a halt , and gracefully dismounted . They moved surreptitiously to the gap in the hedgerow she had long ago discovered , avoiding the guards at the gate . They secreted to the stables , where she gave the horse a quick rub down before heading to the palace . Allison moved like a shadow across the yard to her window , a skill she had mastered as a girl . There was a rope hanging out of it from when she had snuck out earlier . She started climbing , and soon she was over the window sill of her second - story room . She dropped lightly to her feet and glanced around her darkened room . Everything was the same as she had left it . She pulled up the rope and stowed it away . After quickly changing her clothes , she collapsed onto her bed . Her mind couldn 't seem to comprehend what had transpired . Images washed through her head , threatening to overwhelm her . She tried to push her emotions away , but they kept coming back . How would she ever be able to face him again ? He had saved her . And before she had even given him a proper thank you , she had run off . Tears began to stream unbidden from her eyes . Prince Andrew was coming the next day . The queen had invited Tyler over to play background music while he was over . Her anger overpowered her . She hated being put on display like a package . She suddenly wondered why she had cried as she had over Tyler . " I don 't even like him , " she whispered to herself . Tomorrow she would say thank you properly and put the whole matter behind them . * * * * * Tyler walked through the front door of the palace cautiously . He had been surprised that the guards had let him by without a single word . Maybe the King and Queen wanted to punish him for the way he 'd treated their only daughter . The thought flustered him . He couldn 't face the Princess after what had happened . Since the event he was playing for was a dinner party , the servants had set up his harp behind one of the curtained off areas . That way , he would be heard but not seen . He took up his position at the palace harp warily . He had not yet encountered any of the royal family , and no one had barred his way . His fingers ran up and down the strings experimentally . The soft music filled the silence around him , bringing a smile to his lips . He wasn 't allowed to bring any of his own instruments to play . Tyler didn 't care . He loved the palace instruments . They were all of the very highest quality . He would never be able to afford even their mediocre imitations . The party was due to arrive to the dining hall any moment . He let go of his thoughts and fears the let the music take over . Prince Andrew escorted frowning Allison into the room . He leaned close to her and whispered in her ear . " You could at least try and pretend you don 't hate me before I 've had a chance to confirm or dissuade your opinion . " Allison didn 't need to listen to him . Everything about him spoke volumes about who his was . The way he held himself said haughty . The countless number of rings on his fingers spoke of greed . And the way he had looked at her from the beginning screamed hungry . Even as he escorted her to her seat , he was holding her a little bit too close . He sat down across the table from her as tradition dictated . He stretched his legs out carelessly . Allison had to practically turn sideways in her seat to avoid touching him . He talked about himself unabashedly . Allison added conceited to the list of things she hated about him . She didn 't even bother listening to what he had to say . Her three brothers were absorbed in their wives and her parents were talking merrily with Prince Andrew 's . Allison had a sick feeling in her stomach that she was not going to be happy with the result of their visit . The only thing that stopped her from standing up and walking out like she had with other suitors was Tyler . His music swirled around her , leaving her breathless . She had never felt quite like this when she 'd heard him play countless times before . Allison blamed it on the fact that she was hyper aware of him because of their encounter the night before and her rude exit . She needed to talk to him as soon as possible to apologize for her behavior . Her arm almost jerked out of its socket as he yanked her to her feet . She slammed into his chest and he held her tightly there . " Let go of me , " she hissed at him . When he smiled at her , she realized she was very , very scared . " Not a chance . " He started spinning her . She had to lean into him to avoid falling down . " That 's more like it , " he whispered into her ear . Allison 's face flushed in embarrassment . She released her tight hold mid swing and went tumbling backwards to the floor . Her arm scraped against the stone floor and she forced herself not to flinch . The prince immediately pulled her to her feet and attempted to resume the dance . Allison tore her hands out of his and shoved him away . " What 's the matter with you ? ! " Anger glinted in his eyes . He stepped forward and gave her a shove of her own . " What 's wrong with me ? I think the better question is what 's wrong with you ? " He shoved her again . " You 're nothing but a spoiled brat princess who thinks she 's too good for the world ! " Shove . She lost her balance and was back on the floor . In the back of her mind , Allison noticed the music had stopped . " That 's it isn 't ? ! You 're too good for Prince Andrew ! I 've never had any girly turn me down before , and I 'm not going to start today ! " He moved forward to shove her again , but found himself looking down the blade of a sword . " I wouldn 't take another step if I were you . " Tyler 's voice was harder enough to shatter diamond . The prince 's face turned pale . He swiftly backed away . He looked over to smile at her . That was his mistake . The instant Tyler 's diverted his attention , Andrew unsheathed his knife and sent it spinning across the room . Tyler saw it coming too late . He only had time to push Allison behind him . Tyler caught the blade . . . in his stomach . He gasped in pain and sank to his knees . Allison screamed . Andrew was advance with his sword drawn , fury was etched in ever line of his face . Tyler weakly pulled himself free from her grasp . He stood and raised his sword . Even injured , Tyler was the far superior swordsman . With one strike of blade against blade , Andrew 's sword was knocked from his grasp . Tyler raised his sword to Andrew 's throat . He spoke through gritted teeth . " Give me one reason why I shouldn 't kill you ! " Tyler didn 't make the mistake of looking at her again . He could barely stand as it was . He couldn 't afford to lose focus again . " This man has done nothing but disrespect you , Princess . I find that plenty of justification to go to war . " She tightened her grip on him . " Please , Tyler . Don 't . " Tears were falling freely from her eyes . She stifled a sob . Tyler couldn 't deny Allison anything . " Fine . He will not die today . " His next words were spoken to Allison , but directed at Andrew . " But if he fails to properly respect you ever again , I promise his life will come to a very abrupt end . " Tyler stepped back and lowered his sword . They all turned at the sound of running footsteps outside the dining hall , brought by the sounds of Allison 's screams . Andrew took advantage of the moment . At the same time , he pulled yanked Allison toward him and kicked Tyler away . For Tyler the pain was too much . He collapsed on the ground , his sword clattering a few feet off . Tyler curled in pain , his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach . He 'd already lost a lot of blood , and he was starting to feel the effects of it . " Dear King , " Andrew 's voice was dripping with lies , " you 've come just in time . This man , " he pointed to Tyler , " attacked the princess . If it weren 't for me she would probably be dead . " " No ! " she screamed . She ran across the room and threw herself in her mother 's arms . " No no no no NO ! " Everything else she wanted to say was unintelligible due to the severity of her sobs . Andrew joined them on the other side of the room . " She 's in shock , " he said by way of explanation . They all nodded their understanding . The kind addressed Andrew . " Thank you so much for all you have done for our daughter , Prince . I don 't know what we 'd do if you hadn 't been here . " Short Chapter , but whatever . I have a super awesome idea for a new story running around like mad in my brain and I need to start developing it . But I told myself I couldn 't until I finished this chapter ( and finished Crime and Punishment of which I have to read 150 pages of still in twelve hours . guess who 's not sleeping tonight ! ) . So without further ado , Chapter 4 . The boy closed the door to his apartment soundlessly . His classes at the university were done for the day and he was on his own . He could hardly to afford to pay for the apartment and attend school , but he had no other option . His secret life didn 't allow for him to remain in residence with his parents . Plus , he wouldn 't have wanted to live with them anyway . He had a crappy life . His only consolation and happiness came through his dreams . He was careful to make sure the door to his apartment remained locked . All of the blinds were down , closing off the outside world . His rooms were almost as dark as if it had been night . He went into his room and pulled the small bottle of pills out from under his mattress . He popped two of the red pills into his mouth and swallowed them . He cringed as they slowly scrapped down his throat . The boy fell down on his bed and waited for the Lunexor pills to go into effect . He reached over and hit play on his radio . The droll voice droned on as it continued onto the next passage of the intense book . " Andesite . Spelled : A - N - D - E - S - I - T - E . Definition : a dark - colored volcanic rock composed essentially of plagioclase feldspar and one or more mafic minerals , as hornblende or biotite . Example : The rock was of the andesite variety . " Andiron . . . " The boy felt his eyes already begin to close as the audio dictionary moved on to its next word . He had taken great pangs to find this gem that could put him to sleep easily , even when he was wide awake . Of course the Lunexor helped . As soon as he 'd finished off the bottle of prescription sleeping drug , he had discovered this non - prescription " all natural " sleeping pill on the at The door swung open . Mrs . Beck smiled at him . " Jason , what a nice surprise . We haven 't seen you around here lately . " Jason shifted nervously from foot to foot . " Mrs . Beck , I was wondering if I could talk to Cadence . I would 've called , but her phone broke . " Mrs . Beck smiled at him . " You know you 're welcome over any time , Jason . Unfortunately , Cadence isn 't here . She went for a ride on her jet ski . If you think you know where she went , you 're free to take one of the skis and find her . " It would never cease to amaze Jason how free the Beck 's were with their possessions . " Thank you . That 's very kind of you . " Jason followed Mrs . Beck through the house . It shocked him that so many things had changed since his last visit . Had it really been so long ? He walked out onto the dock and climbed onto the jet ski he usually took possession of . Mrs . Beck tossed him the keys . " Don 't be gone long . " Jason took off . He knew where Cadence would go . An airplane flew toward him , heading into Washington Island . He smiled when he saw it . The smile immediately dropped from his face . A storm was blowing in from the west . It was coming hard and fast . Jason bent low over the ski and the speedometer edged its way up to 70 . The water started getting rough when Jason only had a mile more to go . He had to drop his speed below 30 to stop himself from being thrown off . Half a minute later he couldn 't go more than 5 . Poverty island was just ahead . Thunder crashed over him . He couldn 't see Cadence 's wave runner anywhere . Whether she was there or not didn 't matter anymore . Jason had to get out of the water . He accelerated as much as he could and rode the ski all the way up onto the beach . He was certain the Becks would forgive him . He could barely see through the drilling rain as he made his way to the protection of the lighthouse . * * * * * My jet ski had completely disappeared below the waves . The rain blinded me , even from my position . I crawled to the trap door and climbed down the hole . I closed the hatch , buat |
Eodwine stopped a moment to think through Saeryn 's questions , then continued his work while puffing out his thoughts as they came . " We have much to do . " He dug and straightened . " This trench must be deep enough . . . " he tossed his load toward the growing lined heap . " . . . to hold all the water that floods into this lowland . " He dug again and straightened . " Then we need to dig an outflow trench to take the water to the swamp so none of this area floods again . " Eodwine nodded . " Not all work is out here . I am sure much must be done in the Hall . But could you check on the Smith brothers and see if they have some new shovels for us ? " " I will do it , " Saeryn replied at once . She turned and hitched her skirts up above her ankles and waded across to the smithy . The door stood open and clouds of hot , steaming air came billowing out . She peered in to see the two smiths bent over their work . Two or three other men worked in the hot , cramped space . " A few , " came the short response . Garreth nodded to a large bucket of water . Osmund crossed from behind him to lift out several crude but serviceable shovels and brought them to Saeryn . " Thank you , " she said . She went out into the rain and back to the trench . She found men without shovels and dispersed those she had and returned to Eodwine . " I have given the new ones out . Garreth and Harreld are still at work . I will have supper ready and waiting , and there will be hot water to bathe in . I will bring out something hot to drink soon , too . " Once she had the line strung up and the children 's clothes hanging , Rowenna considered her responsibilities in terms of the children complete . She waded through the rising waters toward trenches . She saw that the waters were rising , in part , because the pile of smelly muck being dug out and evenly spaced at Eodwine 's direction , was now keeping all water except for the continuing downpour from entering the dung pit ; and thus , the water rose like a sea around it . It would not be long before the floor of the Hall was awash in muddy water . She climbed over the filthy dike , hiking her skirts high enough to keep them from getting stuck in the mire . She was mindful of a few of the men 's eyes flitting toward her uncovered legs , but she did not care . There were more important things to think about . She stalked toward Eodwine , got close enough to his ear , and said , " That Sorn was a fool , building his house and outbuildings down here . When this has passed , we should rebuild this settlement on the Scar itself ! " Others nearby pricked their ears to hear , and Rowenna realized that this would be considered very forward of her , and that she was maybe out of her depth , and even insubordinate . She did not care . Eodwine needed to hear this , and if this was not the best time , little damage . Eodwine stopped a moment from digging . He looked at Rowenna , the fierce expression on her face , then turned and looked through the downpour at the Scar . It was full of stone and it was the highest land for miles . Why had Sorn now built there ? Maybe because he was indeed a fool . Why , thought Eodwine to himself , had he not thought of it himself before today ? Maybe because was himself a fool , or maybe because he had not foreseen how bad this flooding would be . Either way , it was a good idea , even if it would require a great effort . He faced her . " It is a good thought , but it will have to wait for further thought until the needs of the moment are dealt with . Go to the Smiths and get whatever new shovels they have ready . " When the digging began , Leof had hurried back to the stables , hoping that Harreld and Garreth would have missed the one of the two shovels there , but the smiths had been thorough . With a sigh , Leof had grabbed an empty feed pail for a scoop and returned to join those already shoveling . He had not yet decided whether he would ever get it clean enough to put feed in again . Of course , he 'd seen some returning with pots from the kitchen , and that thought made his stomach turn even more than the dung stench in the air . Slowly , they seemed to be making progress , and he was heartened to look up and see Rowenna coming his way with a few of the new shovels . " Look , " he said to Elfthain and Javan , who were nearby . " I think it 's our turn to get some shovels . " " No , " Thornden spoke up after Scyrr had finished , but not pausing in his work . " Though it may not have happened before , it is something we could have planned for . " He looked up briefly and glanced around . " If we had thought about the future at all , we might have known better than to rebuild the hall here , in the low land . We should have taken our opportunity and built on the scar , but none of us even considered it . It is something we will think about when this is over . " He did not blame Eodwine at all for rebuilding the hall on top of the ruins of Sorn 's house . Many other men , himself included , had been there to help and advise their eorl , and no one had considered Rowenna 's thought . Not even Rowenna herself , who had been there when they made the move from Edoras to Scarburg , had thought to move the location of the hall . Javan accepted a shovel gratefully . He had searched everywhere he could think of for some implement to use for dinner and had come up with nothing . He made an unsuccessful attempt at creating a makeshift shovel by splitting a log and trying to use the flat side of it . Having found it of almost no use at all , he grit his teeth and followed orders and used his hands . Crouching by the trench , he dug out loose sediment that the others had loosened with their pails and pots and sticks . Much of it was rough , pebbly soil , and he reflected that this task would have been nearly impossible in dry weather . Now , with a shovel , he felt he proceeded in work much faster . In fact , as he paused for just a moment to look up and down the trench , he realized that now , with seven or eight new shovels in use , the work was progressing at almost twice the speed . His heart rose a little and he began to think of going in and cleaning off and eating something hot . But then word trickled down the line that work would probably continue until past sundown . Javan felt his heart sink as he looked up . Who could tell when the sun sank ? he wondered . There was no sight of her . They were already working in deep gloom . He guessed they meant the work would probably continue until they couldn 't see the shovels in their hands anymore . He bent drearily back to his labor . After several more shovelfuls , he straightened and turned to find Leof . " How far do you think we have to dig ? " The twins remained perfectly still and stared across the table at Cerwyn , their eyes baleful and their lips tightly pressed shut . They both knew their silence was disrespectful , and Eoghan felt a little guilty for it , though Ruari had no qualms about making Cerwyn feel uncomfortable . Cerwyn looked from one to the other , and Eoghan saw her confidence slipping . He felt even worse . Ruari 's eyes narrowed . She did not look towards her brother , but her head did tilt slightly in his direction . " I would not have pushed you if you had given me a turn , " she reminded him . " It 's never alright to push someone , " Cerwyn chided gently . " And just because your shovel broke , it doesn 't mean Eoghan must share his with you . You should have gone and found one no one was using . " " Well , " Ruari said , putting on as much haughtiness as she knew how , " you don 't know . There aren 't shovels for everybody . I couldn 't find another one . " Cerwyn had not known till now that such a small child could produce such an evil look and did not know whether to recoil or laugh . " That still does not give you a right to your brother 's , " she said . " And if there aren 't shovels for everyone , what are the others who have no shovels using to dig ? " " Actually , " Eoghan said , spreading his hands in a conversational manner , " there are not very many shovels at all . Many . . . no , " looking serious and thoughtful , " I would say most of the people don 't have any yet . But Papa has told the Smiths to make more . Ruari never had a shovel . It was really some bark from a log . I had a stick , so mine was stronger . " Cerwyn wondered if there was anything these two didn 't squabble about - Ruari especially seemed to enjoy it . Had she and Leof ever quarreled so much ? She did not think so . The Leof of her early memories was her leader and her protector , rather than antagonist - perhaps it was only natural for a younger sibling to feel so about an older . What fun they had once had . A memory long forgotten came then unbidden to her mind , of how they would make up and enact the most outrageous stories , and she grinned . " Well , never mind the shovels now , " she said . " Why don 't we play a game , hmm ? I 'll tell you about one Leof and I used to play . You take turns making up parts to a story . Anything can happen that you want , but the only rule is that you can 't disagree with anything someone else says . This story can be about . . . a pony , who lives in a land far away from here where the sun always shines . Now it 's your turn , Eoghan ; tell us something about the pony . " Eoghan paused a moment , looking at her as he considered this sudden turn in the conversation . After a pause he seemed to accept the idea as a good one , and at length , he began . " The pony . . . belonged to an eorlinga , " he said . " And her had to go to war , " he ended with a grin and turned to Ruari . Ruari frowned thoughtfully . " They were going to fight in a place where the moon always shone , " she said . Then her face lit up excitedly . " And the sun was the leader of the pony 's army , and the moon was the leader of the enemy ! " Eoghan looked as though he were about to object , probably to point out that neither the sun nor the moon could lead armies , but Cerwyn continued the tale . Eoghan 's and Ruari 's eyes grew large and they stared at her . The story had taken an unexpected and sinister turn . They paused , breathless , waiting for her to continue . She nodded and prodded Eoghan with a gentle , " Your turn . " Eoghan drew a breath , and an apprehensive smile slowly spread over his face . He shifted on the bench , lifting himself up to sit on his knees . " They had . . . long snouts that pointed , and long teeth like this ! " He curved his fingers by his mouth and leaned towards Ruari . She screamed and skidded away to the edge of the bench . He imitated the moon army 's snarl and bared his teeth as he continued , " And when they attacked the pony 's army , they were going to eat the pony ! " " Alright , " Ruari agreed . " The pony 's eorlinga picked up his sword and started chopping off their heads . " Ruari raised her hands in fists , imitating a knight with a double - handed sword , and made several wild swings over the kitchen table . Cerwyn laughed . " And when the pony saw how brave his eorlinga was , the pony felt braver too . He kicked and bit his enemies , and the moon 's army fell back in fear of the pony and his eorlinga . " At that moment , the door opened and Saeryn entered . She pulled the shawl from her head and wiped the rain from her face with it . She walked towards the fire and draped it on a chair nearby before turning and surveying her children . " Did they behave alright , Cerwyn ? " she asked . Eodwine paused to take stock of their progress . He noticed Rowenna coming out of the Smithy with four more shovels . That was good . It was now time for the next step . " Folk of Scarburg ! " he called . " The trench is well nigh knee deep and wide as my finger tips to elbow . It will do . Now we must dig a spillway from the trench to the swamp . " He heard some groans and coughs . He grinned . " Fear not , thought it is to be much longer than anything else , it need not be as wide nor as deep . It needs only to be deep and wide enough to carry water away from the dungpit as well as from our home . We should be done before the sun goes to sleep ! Follow me ! " Eodwine led them to where he had decided to begin , and showed them the path , more or less straight , that the spillway would take . Luckily , the land was generally flat across all of the holding , so it was not going to be such an odious task . Still , he had no doubt that not a few of the folk would be sick in the morning . The long trench to the swamp had not yet been started when , in the very middle of the dung pit , Eodwine noticed a movement . It was as if something was turning over . Could the amount of rain have made the pit unstable ? The movement had been as big as one of the Mumakil . Then Eodwine 's shovel became limp in his hands as he watched a long slimy tendril grow out of the pit , reaching up like a thing with a mind of its own . Scyld was the second to look away from his trench work to see it : his eyes went wide and in the nick of time he dove out of the way . The tentacle encircled the waist of his neighbor instead . The man howled as he was lifted into the air above the pit , then lowered into the waiting maw below . Then he was gone . More tentacles reached up in every direction . The folk screamed and ran . Surely they had not dug the pit too deep ! Eodwine shook his head . What a waking dream . Thankfully , the trench to the swamp had been dug , and his swooning thought was apparently in a playful mood . One by one the folk leaned their shovels against the smithy , most to be recrafted into some other useful implement . The invisible sun had long since set , but the rain poured . At least the trench was working . And the " dung pit monster " lay quiescent in its stinking home . He chuckled to himself , the last to enter the Hall . Saeryn worked steadily from the time she spoke with Eodwine to when everyone finally came streaming inside . She dismissed her children to go play , warning them to be good . She had intimated to Ruari that she had more to say concerning the incident at the trench , and she wondered if that kept the girl in line , for she did not hear a peep from either twin until supper time . The trouble was preempting the time when everyone would come inside . They would be filthy and wet , and she wanted neither the wet nor the filth in the hall . Then , about half way through the trying afternoon , water began to seep in under the door . There was not much that could be done about that besides making sure all the grain and anything else that could be destroyed by water was lifted off the floor . Thankfully , before the sun had set , the water had begun to recede again . Saeryn and Cerwyn opened the doors and swept the water back out and mopped up what was left . " We will have the women take their outer clothing off and leave it in the passageway there by the kitchen , " Saeryn said as she and Cerwyn removed another large pot of boiling water from the fire and dumped it into the tub . " They can bathe in here . The men can have the hall . " " The men will stay in the hall , " she said . " Take your clothes off here in the entry - I don 't want any of that muck inside the hall . There is water there by the fire . " She pointed . The hearth was crowded with various vessels full of steaming water . " Throw your clothes outside the door . Women , you 'll come around back to the back kitchen entryway . " The people moved as quickly as they could through their baths , throwing out old soiled water . Cerwyn worked inside , heating more water when any container became available . Saeryn went outside and began gathering the soiled clothing and hanging them on the lines Rowenna had strung earlier . Leof had excused himself early from the digging to feed the horses - other tasks may wait but hungry horses would not , and he was met with whinneys even as slightly late as he was for their evening meal . He had stripped down and cleaned off first , though : he no more wanted that sort of filth in the stables than Saeryn wanted it in the Hall . He finished with the horses about the same time as the Hall folk were making their procession inside , and so it was that he arrived rather cleaner than most to dinner ( he smelt of horse but he scarcely considered that cause for a wash ) . He joined those few sitting at a table who had been first to wash and were already freshened for dinner . " Can I help you ? " The query came from Ledwyn as she stood wringing the water from her hair by the fire . Saeryn glanced up at her as she piled trenchers onto her tray . " No . You sit down . Anyone who spent their day in the rain , digging in all that mud , deserves a rest . Cerwyn and I can handle supper tonight . " It was perhaps an ambitious statement , but Saeryn felt they could do it . She looked over at Cerwyn as the young woman pulled two fresh loaves of bread out of the oven . Léof 's sister had proven herself to be capable and helpful , and Saeryn was grateful that she had come that day . The ladies all lent a hand with bearing out the utensils and food for supper . Tray after tray was carried out and laid on the tables . There was a quiet but appreciative murmur as they laid their trays down and the stew began to be ladled out . Very little conversation sprang up for several minutes as the hungry men set into their well earned supper . Rowenna was miffed that all the women were expected to serve the men first . She had been just as hard at work digging the trenches as any of the men , and harder than some of them . Yet here she was , joining the women , serving the men who expected to be served first . Yes , it was the way things were done , but it wasn 't right . She set the food down before each man , the plates hitting the board with just a little more of a thud than the others . She met their eyes if they looked up . If any of them failed to offer a thanks , she remembered . She placed a plate in front of Harreld , who nodded glumly . The next plate went before Garreth , who looking up , gave her a foul look . She did not let go of the plate and met his eyes . " Let go , wench . " His frown went black . Suddenly he got up , his seat tumbling behind him . " Harreld , I 'm off to the smithy where I 'm free of womanish foolery . Bring some food back . " He stalked out of the Hall . There were still two plates in her hand . Leof and Scyld sat at the same table , watching her . " Do you both think you deserve these plates more than the women ? " Eodwine sat at the head table , as he always did . Thornden sat a few seats away , busy with his own thoughts , which was just as well . Eodwine felt weary . More than weary . Truth be told , he felt exhausted . He also felt that he had done as well as he could . He wondered , then , why he felt so dreadfully terrible . Was it another illness coming on ? It surely was possible , considering the matter they had been dealing in all day . But no , it was not that . Food had been brought to him first , by his wife Saeryn . When she had set his plate before him , he took hold of her hand while it still held the plate . He shrugged and gave her a wan smile . " Just come when you can . " She nodded , her lips closed in a ribbon . He ate his food . He hardly tasted it . Were he to give attention to its flavor , he felt that it would taste no better than sawdust . It seemed a long time before she came to sit with him . She flicked a glance toward Leof and set a plate in front of him . Then she stepped over the bench , sat down , and placed the remaining plate halfway between herself and Scyld . She took a slice of bread and ripped off a chunk with her teeth , and chewed . She watched Scyld , whose eyes moved up and down between the plate and her face . Scyld 's breath caught in his throat ; was she truly so willing to forgive his duplicity ? Beside him , Leof nearly choked on his soup . " I 'm fine , don 't mind me , " Leof gasped , when the coughing subsided . Scyld nodded and turned back to the plate of food between him and Rowenna . He hesitated for the briefest moment , but after this impossibly long day he was too tired to analyze the implications . " Very well , " he said , also taking a slice of bread and dipping it in the stew . " Equally deserved , equally shared . " Cerwyn felt a bit self - conscious , serving up trays of soup and warm bread to the throng of unfamiliar faces . She 'd looked around for Leof but hadn 't seen him : she found herself rather annoyed that he hadn 't thought to check in on her . After not seeing each other for five years she 'd expected a bit more of a welcome . Well . She could take care of herself . She fought back the niggling thought that if she didn 't need him , she needn 't have come here at all . She walked up to a table that had not been served . There were some younger men at the table , about her age she guessed . She smiled at them as she began serving out plates from her trays but did not want to interrupt the conversation . Saeryn hurried to serve the others , wondering what it was exactly that trouble Eodwine . It could be any number of things - the continuing rain and threat of new flooding , the recent toil of digging the trenches . Something tightened in her gut as she thought that maybe Eodwine was succumbing to yet another sickness - not unlikely , given his recent occupation . She tried hastily to push from her mind , but it would not leave completely . She emptied her tray and went back to the kitchen for more . Returning , she scanned the room quickly for which tables had not yet been served . She spotted Garreth storming out the door , and she glanced about for an explanation . She saw Rowenna talking with Harreld and for a moment , she watched without moving . Rowenna stepped to where Léof and Scyld sat waiting for their meal . She spoke to them , her face glowering , and she seemed to be holding the plates hostage until they answered her questions . " I did not see you out in the trenches , digging . Your protective husband excused you from such dirty and wearying work so we 'd have food and drink . Well and good for you and us . Meanwhile , I worked as hard as any man and I deserve to eat and not serve . " " You know well , and as you said just now yourself , that had I gone out , there would be no supper for anyone - man or woman . You also know that Eodwine would ask of no woman what he would not ask of me . " She paused and drew breath . Something hard and painful lodged in her stomach , and she was not as hungry as she had been before . She was angry - angrier than was right for the situation . Her eyes snapped sparks as she glared down at Rowenna , but she did not speak the words that rose immediately to her mind - that an ungrateful shrew had no place here at the hall , and that perhaps she had better find another place where men would treat a discarded , used jade like her as well as they did here . " People must be fed , " she said , at last . " And if you are too tired to do so , you should just have said so . I have plenty of helpers . " She reached across to a plate on her tray and set it down before Scyld . Then with the same hand , she pushed the plate they had been sharing to Rowenna 's place . " Yes , I 'm Cerwyn , " she said . There was a flurry of introductions at the table and she thought she 'd be lucky to remember a quarter of the names . She set a bowl of soup down in front of Javan . " Are we very close to the Entwash here ? " she asked , hoping he didn 't think her rude for overhearing the last part of their conversation . " Where would we go if it flooded ? The road is already terrible . " Javan shrugged . " Maybe . " Truly , he did not know where they would go , but to save himself the uncomfortable business of admitting this , he took a bite and for a while forgot about Cerwyn 's question altogether . By the time he had looked up again , she was moving away to serve the next table . He leaned back to see past his neighbor and called after her . Rowenna turned to Scyld . " Did you hear her try to make it as if this is about me being tired ? " He raised a brow , but said nothing . . . which was what he was supposed to do . She gave him a half smile then sat up straight and called after the fleeing Lady Saeryn . Frankly , Scyld supposed that Rowenna had a point , even if he disagreed with how she was expressing it . What really irritated him , though , was Saeryn 's giving him his own plate . Certainly , he was hungry enough for his own meal ; one plate 's worth would not have satisfied both of them . Nevertheless , the way she had done it had left him feeling scolded like a naughty child , and he resented it . What was it to Saeryn whether they shared a meal ? They made space for her and she settled herself in front of her stew . After smelling it for hours in the kitchen , she was eager to taste it . " So have you lived here long ? " she asked Javan . Saeryn stopped dead in her tracks . She stared straight ahead , and her hands gripped the edges of her tray so tight the contents of it rattled . Rowenna should not have said that . She should not . After everything Eodwine had done … ! She turned on her heel and strode toward the table , her anger flowing before her like an invisible thunder cloud . She leaned across the bench between Scyld and Rowenna and set the tray down , firmly and loudly . She set her palms against the edge of the table , leaning low to see Rowenna face to face , and also breaking immediate contact with Scyld , her accomplice and instigator . " Eodwine has done more for you than you can possibly expect of any man , Rowenna of the Brigands . When you came to him , you were worth nothing in most men 's eyes - and Eodwine took you in . You act like the men here treat you poorly , when , really , it is quite the opposite ! No one dare disrespect you , for you know , and they know , Eodwine would never allow it . I 'd show some respect if I were you . " Javan raised his head and looked at him with a sort of pleading expression . Garmund just laughed . " I remember - the first year he was here , he borrowed Falco 's pipe - Falco was a hobbit friend of Eodwine 's staying at the time - and Javan ended up burning the stables down ! " " It 's not funny , " Javan said , going terribly red in the face . He rarely referred to that day , and his friends could not guess the deep sense of shame that he still carried when he thought about it . Garmund had been just a child at the time , and he likely did not recall the exact circumstances that followed , or the long indenture Javan had served afterward . He probably did not even know about the horses Léof had lost in the fire , or how long it took for Javan to repair the breech in Léof 's trust … or anyone 's trust , for that matter . " It 's true , " he said , after his friends had had their laugh at his expense . " I was rather bad . I think I 've improved . " Cerwyn didn 't see what was so funny about the stables burning down - she could only imagine how devastated Léof must have been . " Don 't worry , " said Cerwyn . " I shan 't judge you for something that happened years and years ago . I wouldn 't be here , after all , if I didn 't think people could change . When my father threw Léof out of the house it was one of the worst days of my life . I 'm hoping maybe they can finally forgive each other . " Javan at last cleared his throat and spoke for all of them . " What do you mean , your father threw Léof out ? " he asked . " I thought he left because . . . well , he because he was tired of the way your father treated him . " Cerwyn flushed . Léof seemed so well - known , so well - respected , here at the Hall that it had not occurred to her that his story would not be common knowledge . Maybe , if he had spent more than ten minutes talking to her since she 'd gotten here , he would have told her that there were things he was keeping secret . So much for all his fine words about this being his home now ! He didn 't even trust the people who lived here enough to tell them the truth about where he came from . Maybe , if she were less tired , if she were thinking clearly , she would have gone right away to find Léof and talk with him . Instead , she said , " Is that what he told you ? " she asked . She laughed shortly , feeling slightly hysterical . " Well - Léof was certainly tired of how our Father was treating both of us . Up till that night , he just took it , we both did . But one night , Father came in - drunk , of course - and they started fighting . I wasn 't paying attention to what over , but I looked up just as Father took a swing at Léof . Instead of just ducking or backing away or just taking it , Léof hit back . I don 't think it hurt him much , but I 've never seen my Father so angry . He told Léof to get out , and by the next morning he 'd taken his horse and gone . " She laughed again . " Honestly I think my Father was more upset over him taking Æthel than over his leaving , but going after the horse would have meant going after Léof , and he 's too stubborn to chase after someone he 'd just told to go . " " But I thought … " Javan began , and stopped . He tried to think of what Léof had told them . He shook his head . " Honestly , there has been so much that has happened that we have not spoken of past times . Léof may well have told us something of what you said , and we just did not remember . It seems to me that if I was treated so , I would wish to leave , whether or not I was kicked out . " There was a brief lull in the conversation . Then Javan looked at Cerwyn again . " So , why did you leave ? Your father tell you to go , too ? " Rowenna listened to Saeryn 's diatribe with a smirk on her face , chewing and swallowing a piece of bread . She considered interrupting her , just to make the pot boil hotter , but decided to let her finish . She tipped her head quizzically and sardonically . " It 's nice to see you show up . I was not sure you had it in you . You might just have lasted more than a day with my brigands . " She lowered her brow and allowed her smirk to slip to a menacing frown , and she leaned forward . " It matters not that you don 't make any sense . You 're not used to being this hot headed , so I 'll let it pass . But maybe you might explain just what has got you so hopping mad ? " " It 's you , " she said . " You - stepping out of your place - and disrespecting your betters . " She lifted one hand and reached to the tray , still holding several servings . " You 've effectively driven Garreth out . I want you to take this to him . " She held it toward Rowenna and met her eye , daring her to disobey . " Now , " she said , quietly . Now Rowenna was angry . " No - one is my better . You may hold a place of power and right by law , but that does not make you better than me . Take it to him yourself . " Saeryn shook her head , growing calmer as she felt she gained the upper hand . " I wasn 't talking about myself , " she said . " You drove him out . You 'll amend it . " " The plate will sit there until he comes for it or someone brings it to him . Did you see me with a whip and chair to drive him out ? He left by his own will . He owns his deeds , not me . Go find some child to scold . And next time , make sure you know what really happened before you start your scolding . " " Some would count your tongue as a lash , Rowenna , " Saeryn said , feeling the sting of it at that moment . " I need hardly stretch my mind to guess what passed between the two of you . " She paused , waiting . Rowenna made no move . " So you will not take it to him , then ? " Saeryn asked . " We shall see what is to be done . " She turned and moved away . That was a threat . Rowenna did not take it kindly . " So you would rather not know the truth , you just want your way , is that it ? " " Fine , " Saeryn said , swinging back . " Tell me . " And inwardly she added , ' It had better be worth all this trouble , or I swear , I 'll make you pay . ' Rowenna stood . She looked at Harreld , and called him by name . He looked at her askance . " Please tell Lady Saeryn what passed between your brother and me . " Harreld stood up and cleared his throat . " Rowenna handed a plate to my brother but did not let go . He demanded that she let go , and she asked what she would get in return . He did not answer but walked out . I asked her why she harassed him and she asked why we men are served before the women . I had no answer . " Truth be told , it was because Garreth had been the one who was foul to her in the first place . She had chosen not to be difficult with Harreld or any other man ; instead she had allowed her rage to find an appropriate target , as it were ; but she would lose face if she said that to Saeryn . " I harassed no - one ! I worked as hard as any man today ! I 'll not be treated like trash ! " She stepped over the bench , leaving the bowl sitting where it lay , turned her back on Saeryn , and stormed out the door and into the downpour . Saeryn stared after her . She almost followed her , but when she saw the pouring rain through the opening and closing door as Rowenna went out , she decided against it . She turned back to the table and looked down at Rowenna 's uneaten portion of food and the bowl meant for Garreth beside it . Harreld was still standing , watching Saeryn . " Lady , I will take the food to my brother . He asked it of me . " She looked at him and did not immediately respond , for her mind was still full of Rowenna 's words . At last she seemed to hear him . She shook her head . " No . Thank you , Harreld . I will take it to him myself . " " Are you sure , Lady , that you want to do that ? " Harreld looked uncomfortable . " My brother is - a - difficult man when he is angered , and you - " he paused and shifted his weight from foot to foot . " Please let me take it to him . " " You are - er - " he paused again , and reddened as he realized how many faces were looking up at him around the hall . He braced himself . " You are a woman , Lady , your pardon . " Saeryn cracked a smile . " So I am , " she agreed . She took a quick glance around . Cerwyn had seen to the last of the serving . She set her tray down and picked up Garreth 's serving . " You have worked hard and are tired . Sit and enjoy your supper and stay warm and dry . " " Harreld , " Saeryn said , firmly , but not unkindly . " I am not afraid of your brother . You will not let my good supper go to waste . I know men better than to think a woman 's quarrel will put them off their meat . " She smiled at him again and went back toward the kitchen to find a cover for the bowl before taking it out into the rain . " No . He 'll be quite mad when he finds I 've gone , if he hasn 't already heard , " she said . " So maybe you 've not got the corner on roguishness at this table . " She attempted a grin , but even to her own ears the humor seemed flat . " As I said before , I 'm hoping Léof and Father might finally forgive each other . Father 's better than he used to be , I think . But I also thought Léof would want to come home , if I gave him the chance , and I seem to have gotten that terribly wrong . " With the fight between Rowenna and Saeryn over ( or at least suspended ) , Léof finally felt safe to move again . He 'd finished his soup , having been very keenly focused on it for the last several minutes , and he had no wish to linger at the table . It was past time for him to catch up with Cerwyn , anyway . Taking a piece of bread in hand , he stood up and scanned the Hall for his sister . He spotted her at the other end of the room , sitting with Javan , Garmund , and Cnebba , and headed in their direction . Rowenna walked through the downpour . She had taken off her cloak inside and forgotten to put it back on . It was cold . She was drenched in seconds . She did not care . Right now she hated Saeryn . She knew it wouldn 't last , but this was now . She was enraged at herself for having retreated from the fight , but she had seen that it was going badly for her , and the only way to win would have been to openly test Saeryn 's word that Eodwine would favor her instead of his own wife . She would not do that . If Eodwine favored Saeryn , then it would go badly for Rowenna ; if Eodwine favored Rowenna , Scarburg could become a very bad place to be . It already was a bad place for her to be . She sent the water spraying with each footstep , for the puddles were growing ; even with the new trench . She reached the scar and began to climb . Soon , the light from the settlement ended and she was feeling her way , scrabbling in the mud and sliding stone and sand of the scar . It was already a bad place to be because there would be no end of fighting with Saeryn , and the advantage belonged squarely with Saeryn . Rowenna liked her , she was an honest and well meaning lady , wife , and mother , but that did not lessen that she was impossible . Rowenna reached the highest point of the scar and looked out . The darkness was complete : she could see nothing . All she could hear was the rains striking the ground or puddles . Scyld had just watched the whole thing . That was his way . If they were a couple , a real couple , he might have come to her defense . But they were not a couple , and there was no use teasing herself about it . She knew that if she did not get back inside soon , she would most likely sicken and maybe worse , but she could not bring herself to do it . Instead , half realizing it , her feet were taking her down the last of the hillocks of the scar , and out onto the open plain . Her fingers were numb and she could barely feel her feet . Her arms shook and her teeth chattered , but she kept moving forward , away from the scar , into the night , her thoughts a mess of spinning threads . Eodwine watched the whole thing pass . He found it hard to swallow his food for the distaste of what was happening before his eyes . He would not interfere with his wife 's actions ; it would not be good for the folk to see them at odds , but this would have to be dealt with . He also realized that his displeasure was not , for the most , in how Saeryn dealt with Rowenna . No , it was something else , something he did not know quite how to say . He realized that he was simply in a foul mood . They came on him rarely , but when they did , there was no helping it . Maybe it had been brought on by the difficulties of the dung pit and the trench , but if so then only in part . The best thing he could do was lay low until it passed . It was what he should do . He finished his food and thought to get up and go in . But he stayed sitting where he was , waiting for his wife to finish with her many tasks . Saeryn hurried through the soggy courtyard toward the smithy , ducking her head against the rain , and seeing little except the ground just before her feet . When she reached the eaves of the smithy , she raised her head and shook the loose rain drops from her hair . She gave an involuntary shiver before entering the smithy . " I have brought you your supper , " she said . " If you like , you can come back in and eat it . Or stay out here , as you wish . " Garreth looked up from his work and regarded her sullenly . " I asked Harreld to bring me my food , no - one else . Is he suddenly too ill to do the job himself ? " Saeryn was not going to get into another argument with a hard - headed contestant . She set the food down on a workbench . " Harreld has worked hard today . I saw little reason to send him out again into the rain . Here is your supper . Have a goodnight . " Garreth was not about to let a woman have the last word , at least not without one retort . " And here I thought it was the lord of the hall that made such decisions , rather than his wife . " He allowed a goodly amount of sneer into the last word he spoke . Saeryn paused by the door and reflected on his words . She made an effort not to let them affect her . She looked back at him . " Goodnight , Garreth , " she said , and went out into the rain . " Women , confound them , " she heard Garreth mutter behind her . She almost walked right into Harreld . She jumped with a surprised gasp . When she looked up at him , she saw he looked worried . " What did he say to you ? " he asked . " Not much , " she said , backing up under the eave of the smithy again . " I think he indicated that I was running the roost instead of Eodwine . " She sighed . " I am sorry . I would have spared you his temper . He trusts no woman since - since his time in Edoras . Good night . " Harreld let her go by and went inside the smithy . Well , it would be a most tragic thing to have done , walking out into the open plains , in the cold rain , with not enough clothing , but it would be a fool thing to do , and Scyld was not about to come rescue her . Rowenna was still standing on the last escarpment of the scar , watching the tragedy play out in her mind 's eye . Well , it was not to be . She huffed a sigh , turned around , and went back the way she had come . She saw Saeryn walking from the smithy back to the hall . Could it be that she had taken Garreth 's dinner to him ? It would not be surprising . She followed the lady back toward the hall , watched her go in , and maybe half a minute later passed inside herself . Saeryn was seeing to the needs of various of the folk as she made her way toward the front where Eodwine sat waiting and watching his wife . Scyld had not moved . Something inside hardened at the man 's inaction . She bristled . " Lady Saeryn ! " She turned and faced her ; her smile faded and her face became tense . Rowenna raised her chin and looked down her nose at the woman who ruled with her husband . He stirred his soup absently . He was still aware of these things , but his primary emotion now was not amusement . He felt the detachment that he 'd cultivated for years slipping away , and he wasn 't sure he liked - or trusted - the way that felt . Glancing over at Rowenna 's still - full soup bowl , he considered trying to take it to her - wasn 't that what she wanted , a man to serve her meal ? A smirk twitched at his lips at the thought , but he rejected it . He did not know where she had gone , and he was not going to chase after her . Besides , he had no wish to go back out into the cold and wet now that he was warm and dry . He played over the fight in his mind as he ate . He was keenly reminded of an earlier thought : that Rowenna still felt she had something to prove . And why should that be ? Saeryn was right - no one would dare disrespect Rowenna . But perhaps because of Eodwine 's protection , she never felt that she had earned that respect in her own right ? Or maybe , was there something about herself that she simply found un - respectable ? He 'd been drawn to her for many reasons , but perhaps the biggest was that they were much alike . For the first time , he wondered if that was a good thing . He frowned . Once , long ago , Rowenna had claimed to have found a home here , but clearly there was still tension . If she had not managed in five years to lay that to rest , what hope did he have ? Why had he come back ? Just as he was starting to think that Rowenna had been gone overlong , he saw her come inside . He was surprised to see her approach Saeryn directly , though he was too far away to hear what was said . Well . Maybe she would come back for her soup . Despite all his doubts , he rather hoped she would . As Saeryn passed from the cold rain into the warm , comforting atmosphere of the hall , she drew a slow breath . She felt suddenly tired and very hungry . Garreth 's grumblings had become so commonplace she scarcely remembered them , and the dash through the rain had released the built tension of her quarrel with Rowenna . She resolved to find Rowenna and make it right … later . Now , she was ready to go and sit by Eodwine . It seemed more than just a few hours since they last spoke quietly and uninterrupted together . She made her way forward , pausing once or twice along the way . Suddenly , her name was called from behind , loudly . She turned and faced Rowenna . " You are not my serving wench , Rowenna . In all I said , I never meant that . Please , " she said , her shoulder 's drooping a little , " go sit down and finish your supper . I have fed the rest of the people . There is nothing left to be done for the time being . Or , " she added realizing Rowenna 's condition , " get into something dry first . " So Saeryn was going to run Scarburg with her feelings rather than by her will . So be it . Rowenna had already laid it out for herself that she would treat every whim of the lady as her iron will , no matter how inconsistent . She wondered if Saeryn had noticed that Rowenna had looked over her head rather in the eye during the whole exchange . She shrugged . |
Eodwine stopped a moment to think through Saeryn 's questions , then continued his work while puffing out his thoughts as they came . " We have much to do . " He dug and straightened . " This trench must be deep enough . . . " he tossed his load toward the growing lined heap . " . . . to hold all the water that floods into this lowland . " He dug again and straightened . " Then we need to dig an outflow trench to take the water to the swamp so none of this area floods again . " Eodwine nodded . " Not all work is out here . I am sure much must be done in the Hall . But could you check on the Smith brothers and see if they have some new shovels for us ? " " I will do it , " Saeryn replied at once . She turned and hitched her skirts up above her ankles and waded across to the smithy . The door stood open and clouds of hot , steaming air came billowing out . She peered in to see the two smiths bent over their work . Two or three other men worked in the hot , cramped space . " A few , " came the short response . Garreth nodded to a large bucket of water . Osmund crossed from behind him to lift out several crude but serviceable shovels and brought them to Saeryn . " Thank you , " she said . She went out into the rain and back to the trench . She found men without shovels and dispersed those she had and returned to Eodwine . " I have given the new ones out . Garreth and Harreld are still at work . I will have supper ready and waiting , and there will be hot water to bathe in . I will bring out something hot to drink soon , too . " Once she had the line strung up and the children 's clothes hanging , Rowenna considered her responsibilities in terms of the children complete . She waded through the rising waters toward trenches . She saw that the waters were rising , in part , because the pile of smelly muck being dug out and evenly spaced at Eodwine 's direction , was now keeping all water except for the continuing downpour from entering the dung pit ; and thus , the water rose like a sea around it . It would not be long before the floor of the Hall was awash in muddy water . She climbed over the filthy dike , hiking her skirts high enough to keep them from getting stuck in the mire . She was mindful of a few of the men 's eyes flitting toward her uncovered legs , but she did not care . There were more important things to think about . She stalked toward Eodwine , got close enough to his ear , and said , " That Sorn was a fool , building his house and outbuildings down here . When this has passed , we should rebuild this settlement on the Scar itself ! " Others nearby pricked their ears to hear , and Rowenna realized that this would be considered very forward of her , and that she was maybe out of her depth , and even insubordinate . She did not care . Eodwine needed to hear this , and if this was not the best time , little damage . Eodwine stopped a moment from digging . He looked at Rowenna , the fierce expression on her face , then turned and looked through the downpour at the Scar . It was full of stone and it was the highest land for miles . Why had Sorn now built there ? Maybe because he was indeed a fool . Why , thought Eodwine to himself , had he not thought of it himself before today ? Maybe because was himself a fool , or maybe because he had not foreseen how bad this flooding would be . Either way , it was a good idea , even if it would require a great effort . He faced her . " It is a good thought , but it will have to wait for further thought until the needs of the moment are dealt with . Go to the Smiths and get whatever new shovels they have ready . " When the digging began , Leof had hurried back to the stables , hoping that Harreld and Garreth would have missed the one of the two shovels there , but the smiths had been thorough . With a sigh , Leof had grabbed an empty feed pail for a scoop and returned to join those already shoveling . He had not yet decided whether he would ever get it clean enough to put feed in again . Of course , he 'd seen some returning with pots from the kitchen , and that thought made his stomach turn even more than the dung stench in the air . Slowly , they seemed to be making progress , and he was heartened to look up and see Rowenna coming his way with a few of the new shovels . " Look , " he said to Elfthain and Javan , who were nearby . " I think it 's our turn to get some shovels . " " No , " Thornden spoke up after Scyrr had finished , but not pausing in his work . " Though it may not have happened before , it is something we could have planned for . " He looked up briefly and glanced around . " If we had thought about the future at all , we might have known better than to rebuild the hall here , in the low land . We should have taken our opportunity and built on the scar , but none of us even considered it . It is something we will think about when this is over . " He did not blame Eodwine at all for rebuilding the hall on top of the ruins of Sorn 's house . Many other men , himself included , had been there to help and advise their eorl , and no one had considered Rowenna 's thought . Not even Rowenna herself , who had been there when they made the move from Edoras to Scarburg , had thought to move the location of the hall . Javan accepted a shovel gratefully . He had searched everywhere he could think of for some implement to use for dinner and had come up with nothing . He made an unsuccessful attempt at creating a makeshift shovel by splitting a log and trying to use the flat side of it . Having found it of almost no use at all , he grit his teeth and followed orders and used his hands . Crouching by the trench , he dug out loose sediment that the others had loosened with their pails and pots and sticks . Much of it was rough , pebbly soil , and he reflected that this task would have been nearly impossible in dry weather . Now , with a shovel , he felt he proceeded in work much faster . In fact , as he paused for just a moment to look up and down the trench , he realized that now , with seven or eight new shovels in use , the work was progressing at almost twice the speed . His heart rose a little and he began to think of going in and cleaning off and eating something hot . But then word trickled down the line that work would probably continue until past sundown . Javan felt his heart sink as he looked up . Who could tell when the sun sank ? he wondered . There was no sight of her . They were already working in deep gloom . He guessed they meant the work would probably continue until they couldn 't see the shovels in their hands anymore . He bent drearily back to his labor . After several more shovelfuls , he straightened and turned to find Leof . " How far do you think we have to dig ? " The twins remained perfectly still and stared across the table at Cerwyn , their eyes baleful and their lips tightly pressed shut . They both knew their silence was disrespectful , and Eoghan felt a little guilty for it , though Ruari had no qualms about making Cerwyn feel uncomfortable . Cerwyn looked from one to the other , and Eoghan saw her confidence slipping . He felt even worse . Ruari 's eyes narrowed . She did not look towards her brother , but her head did tilt slightly in his direction . " I would not have pushed you if you had given me a turn , " she reminded him . " It 's never alright to push someone , " Cerwyn chided gently . " And just because your shovel broke , it doesn 't mean Eoghan must share his with you . You should have gone and found one no one was using . " " Well , " Ruari said , putting on as much haughtiness as she knew how , " you don 't know . There aren 't shovels for everybody . I couldn 't find another one . " Cerwyn had not known till now that such a small child could produce such an evil look and did not know whether to recoil or laugh . " That still does not give you a right to your brother 's , " she said . " And if there aren 't shovels for everyone , what are the others who have no shovels using to dig ? " " Actually , " Eoghan said , spreading his hands in a conversational manner , " there are not very many shovels at all . Many . . . no , " looking serious and thoughtful , " I would say most of the people don 't have any yet . But Papa has told the Smiths to make more . Ruari never had a shovel . It was really some bark from a log . I had a stick , so mine was stronger . " Cerwyn wondered if there was anything these two didn 't squabble about - Ruari especially seemed to enjoy it . Had she and Leof ever quarreled so much ? She did not think so . The Leof of her early memories was her leader and her protector , rather than antagonist - perhaps it was only natural for a younger sibling to feel so about an older . What fun they had once had . A memory long forgotten came then unbidden to her mind , of how they would make up and enact the most outrageous stories , and she grinned . " Well , never mind the shovels now , " she said . " Why don 't we play a game , hmm ? I 'll tell you about one Leof and I used to play . You take turns making up parts to a story . Anything can happen that you want , but the only rule is that you can 't disagree with anything someone else says . This story can be about . . . a pony , who lives in a land far away from here where the sun always shines . Now it 's your turn , Eoghan ; tell us something about the pony . " Eoghan paused a moment , looking at her as he considered this sudden turn in the conversation . After a pause he seemed to accept the idea as a good one , and at length , he began . " The pony . . . belonged to an eorlinga , " he said . " And her had to go to war , " he ended with a grin and turned to Ruari . Ruari frowned thoughtfully . " They were going to fight in a place where the moon always shone , " she said . Then her face lit up excitedly . " And the sun was the leader of the pony 's army , and the moon was the leader of the enemy ! " Eoghan looked as though he were about to object , probably to point out that neither the sun nor the moon could lead armies , but Cerwyn continued the tale . Eoghan 's and Ruari 's eyes grew large and they stared at her . The story had taken an unexpected and sinister turn . They paused , breathless , waiting for her to continue . She nodded and prodded Eoghan with a gentle , " Your turn . " Eoghan drew a breath , and an apprehensive smile slowly spread over his face . He shifted on the bench , lifting himself up to sit on his knees . " They had . . . long snouts that pointed , and long teeth like this ! " He curved his fingers by his mouth and leaned towards Ruari . She screamed and skidded away to the edge of the bench . He imitated the moon army 's snarl and bared his teeth as he continued , " And when they attacked the pony 's army , they were going to eat the pony ! " " Alright , " Ruari agreed . " The pony 's eorlinga picked up his sword and started chopping off their heads . " Ruari raised her hands in fists , imitating a knight with a double - handed sword , and made several wild swings over the kitchen table . Cerwyn laughed . " And when the pony saw how brave his eorlinga was , the pony felt braver too . He kicked and bit his enemies , and the moon 's army fell back in fear of the pony and his eorlinga . " At that moment , the door opened and Saeryn entered . She pulled the shawl from her head and wiped the rain from her face with it . She walked towards the fire and draped it on a chair nearby before turning and surveying her children . " Did they behave alright , Cerwyn ? " she asked . Eodwine paused to take stock of their progress . He noticed Rowenna coming out of the Smithy with four more shovels . That was good . It was now time for the next step . " Folk of Scarburg ! " he called . " The trench is well nigh knee deep and wide as my finger tips to elbow . It will do . Now we must dig a spillway from the trench to the swamp . " He heard some groans and coughs . He grinned . " Fear not , thought it is to be much longer than anything else , it need not be as wide nor as deep . It needs only to be deep and wide enough to carry water away from the dungpit as well as from our home . We should be done before the sun goes to sleep ! Follow me ! " Eodwine led them to where he had decided to begin , and showed them the path , more or less straight , that the spillway would take . Luckily , the land was generally flat across all of the holding , so it was not going to be such an odious task . Still , he had no doubt that not a few of the folk would be sick in the morning . The long trench to the swamp had not yet been started when , in the very middle of the dung pit , Eodwine noticed a movement . It was as if something was turning over . Could the amount of rain have made the pit unstable ? The movement had been as big as one of the Mumakil . Then Eodwine 's shovel became limp in his hands as he watched a long slimy tendril grow out of the pit , reaching up like a thing with a mind of its own . Scyld was the second to look away from his trench work to see it : his eyes went wide and in the nick of time he dove out of the way . The tentacle encircled the waist of his neighbor instead . The man howled as he was lifted into the air above the pit , then lowered into the waiting maw below . Then he was gone . More tentacles reached up in every direction . The folk screamed and ran . Surely they had not dug the pit too deep ! Eodwine shook his head . What a waking dream . Thankfully , the trench to the swamp had been dug , and his swooning thought was apparently in a playful mood . One by one the folk leaned their shovels against the smithy , most to be recrafted into some other useful implement . The invisible sun had long since set , but the rain poured . At least the trench was working . And the " dung pit monster " lay quiescent in its stinking home . He chuckled to himself , the last to enter the Hall . Saeryn worked steadily from the time she spoke with Eodwine to when everyone finally came streaming inside . She dismissed her children to go play , warning them to be good . She had intimated to Ruari that she had more to say concerning the incident at the trench , and she wondered if that kept the girl in line , for she did not hear a peep from either twin until supper time . The trouble was preempting the time when everyone would come inside . They would be filthy and wet , and she wanted neither the wet nor the filth in the hall . Then , about half way through the trying afternoon , water began to seep in under the door . There was not much that could be done about that besides making sure all the grain and anything else that could be destroyed by water was lifted off the floor . Thankfully , before the sun had set , the water had begun to recede again . Saeryn and Cerwyn opened the doors and swept the water back out and mopped up what was left . " We will have the women take their outer clothing off and leave it in the passageway there by the kitchen , " Saeryn said as she and Cerwyn removed another large pot of boiling water from the fire and dumped it into the tub . " They can bathe in here . The men can have the hall . " " The men will stay in the hall , " she said . " Take your clothes off here in the entry - I don 't want any of that muck inside the hall . There is water there by the fire . " She pointed . The hearth was crowded with various vessels full of steaming water . " Throw your clothes outside the door . Women , you 'll come around back to the back kitchen entryway . " The people moved as quickly as they could through their baths , throwing out old soiled water . Cerwyn worked inside , heating more water when any container became available . Saeryn went outside and began gathering the soiled clothing and hanging them on the lines Rowenna had strung earlier . Leof had excused himself early from the digging to feed the horses - other tasks may wait but hungry horses would not , and he was met with whinneys even as slightly late as he was for their evening meal . He had stripped down and cleaned off first , though : he no more wanted that sort of filth in the stables than Saeryn wanted it in the Hall . He finished with the horses about the same time as the Hall folk were making their procession inside , and so it was that he arrived rather cleaner than most to dinner ( he smelt of horse but he scarcely considered that cause for a wash ) . He joined those few sitting at a table who had been first to wash and were already freshened for dinner . " Can I help you ? " The query came from Ledwyn as she stood wringing the water from her hair by the fire . Saeryn glanced up at her as she piled trenchers onto her tray . " No . You sit down . Anyone who spent their day in the rain , digging in all that mud , deserves a rest . Cerwyn and I can handle supper tonight . " It was perhaps an ambitious statement , but Saeryn felt they could do it . She looked over at Cerwyn as the young woman pulled two fresh loaves of bread out of the oven . Léof 's sister had proven herself to be capable and helpful , and Saeryn was grateful that she had come that day . The ladies all lent a hand with bearing out the utensils and food for supper . Tray after tray was carried out and laid on the tables . There was a quiet but appreciative murmur as they laid their trays down and the stew began to be ladled out . Very little conversation sprang up for several minutes as the hungry men set into their well earned supper . Rowenna was miffed that all the women were expected to serve the men first . She had been just as hard at work digging the trenches as any of the men , and harder than some of them . Yet here she was , joining the women , serving the men who expected to be served first . Yes , it was the way things were done , but it wasn 't right . She set the food down before each man , the plates hitting the board with just a little more of a thud than the others . She met their eyes if they looked up . If any of them failed to offer a thanks , she remembered . She placed a plate in front of Harreld , who nodded glumly . The next plate went before Garreth , who looking up , gave her a foul look . She did not let go of the plate and met his eyes . " Let go , wench . " His frown went black . Suddenly he got up , his seat tumbling behind him . " Harreld , I 'm off to the smithy where I 'm free of womanish foolery . Bring some food back . " He stalked out of the Hall . There were still two plates in her hand . Leof and Scyld sat at the same table , watching her . " Do you both think you deserve these plates more than the women ? " Eodwine sat at the head table , as he always did . Thornden sat a few seats away , busy with his own thoughts , which was just as well . Eodwine felt weary . More than weary . Truth be told , he felt exhausted . He also felt that he had done as well as he could . He wondered , then , why he felt so dreadfully terrible . Was it another illness coming on ? It surely was possible , considering the matter they had been dealing in all day . But no , it was not that . Food had been brought to him first , by his wife Saeryn . When she had set his plate before him , he took hold of her hand while it still held the plate . He shrugged and gave her a wan smile . " Just come when you can . " She nodded , her lips closed in a ribbon . He ate his food . He hardly tasted it . Were he to give attention to its flavor , he felt that it would taste no better than sawdust . It seemed a long time before she came to sit with him . She flicked a glance toward Leof and set a plate in front of him . Then she stepped over the bench , sat down , and placed the remaining plate halfway between herself and Scyld . She took a slice of bread and ripped off a chunk with her teeth , and chewed . She watched Scyld , whose eyes moved up and down between the plate and her face . Scyld 's breath caught in his throat ; was she truly so willing to forgive his duplicity ? Beside him , Leof nearly choked on his soup . " I 'm fine , don 't mind me , " Leof gasped , when the coughing subsided . Scyld nodded and turned back to the plate of food between him and Rowenna . He hesitated for the briefest moment , but after this impossibly long day he was too tired to analyze the implications . " Very well , " he said , also taking a slice of bread and dipping it in the stew . " Equally deserved , equally shared . " Cerwyn felt a bit self - conscious , serving up trays of soup and warm bread to the throng of unfamiliar faces . She 'd looked around for Leof but hadn 't seen him : she found herself rather annoyed that he hadn 't thought to check in on her . After not seeing each other for five years she 'd expected a bit more of a welcome . Well . She could take care of herself . She fought back the niggling thought that if she didn 't need him , she needn 't have come here at all . She walked up to a table that had not been served . There were some younger men at the table , about her age she guessed . She smiled at them as she began serving out plates from her trays but did not want to interrupt the conversation . Saeryn hurried to serve the others , wondering what it was exactly that trouble Eodwine . It could be any number of things - the continuing rain and threat of new flooding , the recent toil of digging the trenches . Something tightened in her gut as she thought that maybe Eodwine was succumbing to yet another sickness - not unlikely , given his recent occupation . She tried hastily to push from her mind , but it would not leave completely . She emptied her tray and went back to the kitchen for more . Returning , she scanned the room quickly for which tables had not yet been served . She spotted Garreth storming out the door , and she glanced about for an explanation . She saw Rowenna talking with Harreld and for a moment , she watched without moving . Rowenna stepped to where Léof and Scyld sat waiting for their meal . She spoke to them , her face glowering , and she seemed to be holding the plates hostage until they answered her questions . " I did not see you out in the trenches , digging . Your protective husband excused you from such dirty and wearying work so we 'd have food and drink . Well and good for you and us . Meanwhile , I worked as hard as any man and I deserve to eat and not serve . " " You know well , and as you said just now yourself , that had I gone out , there would be no supper for anyone - man or woman . You also know that Eodwine would ask of no woman what he would not ask of me . " She paused and drew breath . Something hard and painful lodged in her stomach , and she was not as hungry as she had been before . She was angry - angrier than was right for the situation . Her eyes snapped sparks as she glared down at Rowenna , but she did not speak the words that rose immediately to her mind - that an ungrateful shrew had no place here at the hall , and that perhaps she had better find another place where men would treat a discarded , used jade like her as well as they did here . " People must be fed , " she said , at last . " And if you are too tired to do so , you should just have said so . I have plenty of helpers . " She reached across to a plate on her tray and set it down before Scyld . Then with the same hand , she pushed the plate they had been sharing to Rowenna 's place . " Yes , I 'm Cerwyn , " she said . There was a flurry of introductions at the table and she thought she 'd be lucky to remember a quarter of the names . She set a bowl of soup down in front of Javan . " Are we very close to the Entwash here ? " she asked , hoping he didn 't think her rude for overhearing the last part of their conversation . " Where would we go if it flooded ? The road is already terrible . " Javan shrugged . " Maybe . " Truly , he did not know where they would go , but to save himself the uncomfortable business of admitting this , he took a bite and for a while forgot about Cerwyn 's question altogether . By the time he had looked up again , she was moving away to serve the next table . He leaned back to see past his neighbor and called after her . Rowenna turned to Scyld . " Did you hear her try to make it as if this is about me being tired ? " He raised a brow , but said nothing . . . which was what he was supposed to do . She gave him a half smile then sat up straight and called after the fleeing Lady Saeryn . Frankly , Scyld supposed that Rowenna had a point , even if he disagreed with how she was expressing it . What really irritated him , though , was Saeryn 's giving him his own plate . Certainly , he was hungry enough for his own meal ; one plate 's worth would not have satisfied both of them . Nevertheless , the way she had done it had left him feeling scolded like a naughty child , and he resented it . What was it to Saeryn whether they shared a meal ? They made space for her and she settled herself in front of her stew . After smelling it for hours in the kitchen , she was eager to taste it . " So have you lived here long ? " she asked Javan . Saeryn stopped dead in her tracks . She stared straight ahead , and her hands gripped the edges of her tray so tight the contents of it rattled . Rowenna should not have said that . She should not . After everything Eodwine had done … ! She turned on her heel and strode toward the table , her anger flowing before her like an invisible thunder cloud . She leaned across the bench between Scyld and Rowenna and set the tray down , firmly and loudly . She set her palms against the edge of the table , leaning low to see Rowenna face to face , and also breaking immediate contact with Scyld , her accomplice and instigator . " Eodwine has done more for you than you can possibly expect of any man , Rowenna of the Brigands . When you came to him , you were worth nothing in most men 's eyes - and Eodwine took you in . You act like the men here treat you poorly , when , really , it is quite the opposite ! No one dare disrespect you , for you know , and they know , Eodwine would never allow it . I 'd show some respect if I were you . " Javan raised his head and looked at him with a sort of pleading expression . Garmund just laughed . " I remember - the first year he was here , he borrowed Falco 's pipe - Falco was a hobbit friend of Eodwine 's staying at the time - and Javan ended up burning the stables down ! " " It 's not funny , " Javan said , going terribly red in the face . He rarely referred to that day , and his friends could not guess the deep sense of shame that he still carried when he thought about it . Garmund had been just a child at the time , and he likely did not recall the exact circumstances that followed , or the long indenture Javan had served afterward . He probably did not even know about the horses Léof had lost in the fire , or how long it took for Javan to repair the breech in Léof 's trust … or anyone 's trust , for that matter . " It 's true , " he said , after his friends had had their laugh at his expense . " I was rather bad . I think I 've improved . " Cerwyn didn 't see what was so funny about the stables burning down - she could only imagine how devastated Léof must have been . " Don 't worry , " said Cerwyn . " I shan 't judge you for something that happened years and years ago . I wouldn 't be here , after all , if I didn 't think people could change . When my father threw Léof out of the house it was one of the worst days of my life . I 'm hoping maybe they can finally forgive each other . " Javan at last cleared his throat and spoke for all of them . " What do you mean , your father threw Léof out ? " he asked . " I thought he left because . . . well , he because he was tired of the way your father treated him . " Cerwyn flushed . Léof seemed so well - known , so well - respected , here at the Hall that it had not occurred to her that his story would not be common knowledge . Maybe , if he had spent more than ten minutes talking to her since she 'd gotten here , he would have told her that there were things he was keeping secret . So much for all his fine words about this being his home now ! He didn 't even trust the people who lived here enough to tell them the truth about where he came from . Maybe , if she were less tired , if she were thinking clearly , she would have gone right away to find Léof and talk with him . Instead , she said , " Is that what he told you ? " she asked . She laughed shortly , feeling slightly hysterical . " Well - Léof was certainly tired of how our Father was treating both of us . Up till that night , he just took it , we both did . But one night , Father came in - drunk , of course - and they started fighting . I wasn 't paying attention to what over , but I looked up just as Father took a swing at Léof . Instead of just ducking or backing away or just taking it , Léof hit back . I don 't think it hurt him much , but I 've never seen my Father so angry . He told Léof to get out , and by the next morning he 'd taken his horse and gone . " She laughed again . " Honestly I think my Father was more upset over him taking Æthel than over his leaving , but going after the horse would have meant going after Léof , and he 's too stubborn to chase after someone he 'd just told to go . " " But I thought … " Javan began , and stopped . He tried to think of what Léof had told them . He shook his head . " Honestly , there has been so much that has happened that we have not spoken of past times . Léof may well have told us something of what you said , and we just did not remember . It seems to me that if I was treated so , I would wish to leave , whether or not I was kicked out . " There was a brief lull in the conversation . Then Javan looked at Cerwyn again . " So , why did you leave ? Your father tell you to go , too ? " Rowenna listened to Saeryn 's diatribe with a smirk on her face , chewing and swallowing a piece of bread . She considered interrupting her , just to make the pot boil hotter , but decided to let her finish . She tipped her head quizzically and sardonically . " It 's nice to see you show up . I was not sure you had it in you . You might just have lasted more than a day with my brigands . " She lowered her brow and allowed her smirk to slip to a menacing frown , and she leaned forward . " It matters not that you don 't make any sense . You 're not used to being this hot headed , so I 'll let it pass . But maybe you might explain just what has got you so hopping mad ? " " It 's you , " she said . " You - stepping out of your place - and disrespecting your betters . " She lifted one hand and reached to the tray , still holding several servings . " You 've effectively driven Garreth out . I want you to take this to him . " She held it toward Rowenna and met her eye , daring her to disobey . " Now , " she said , quietly . Now Rowenna was angry . " No - one is my better . You may hold a place of power and right by law , but that does not make you better than me . Take it to him yourself . " Saeryn shook her head , growing calmer as she felt she gained the upper hand . " I wasn 't talking about myself , " she said . " You drove him out . You 'll amend it . " " The plate will sit there until he comes for it or someone brings it to him . Did you see me with a whip and chair to drive him out ? He left by his own will . He owns his deeds , not me . Go find some child to scold . And next time , make sure you know what really happened before you start your scolding . " " Some would count your tongue as a lash , Rowenna , " Saeryn said , feeling the sting of it at that moment . " I need hardly stretch my mind to guess what passed between the two of you . " She paused , waiting . Rowenna made no move . " So you will not take it to him , then ? " Saeryn asked . " We shall see what is to be done . " She turned and moved away . That was a threat . Rowenna did not take it kindly . " So you would rather not know the truth , you just want your way , is that it ? " " Fine , " Saeryn said , swinging back . " Tell me . " And inwardly she added , ' It had better be worth all this trouble , or I swear , I 'll make you pay . ' Rowenna stood . She looked at Harreld , and called him by name . He looked at her askance . " Please tell Lady Saeryn what passed between your brother and me . " Harreld stood up and cleared his throat . " Rowenna handed a plate to my brother but did not let go . He demanded that she let go , and she asked what she would get in return . He did not answer but walked out . I asked her why she harassed him and she asked why we men are served before the women . I had no answer . " Truth be told , it was because Garreth had been the one who was foul to her in the first place . She had chosen not to be difficult with Harreld or any other man ; instead she had allowed her rage to find an appropriate target , as it were ; but she would lose face if she said that to Saeryn . " I harassed no - one ! I worked as hard as any man today ! I 'll not be treated like trash ! " She stepped over the bench , leaving the bowl sitting where it lay , turned her back on Saeryn , and stormed out the door and into the downpour . Saeryn stared after her . She almost followed her , but when she saw the pouring rain through the opening and closing door as Rowenna went out , she decided against it . She turned back to the table and looked down at Rowenna 's uneaten portion of food and the bowl meant for Garreth beside it . Harreld was still standing , watching Saeryn . " Lady , I will take the food to my brother . He asked it of me . " She looked at him and did not immediately respond , for her mind was still full of Rowenna 's words . At last she seemed to hear him . She shook her head . " No . Thank you , Harreld . I will take it to him myself . " " Are you sure , Lady , that you want to do that ? " Harreld looked uncomfortable . " My brother is - a - difficult man when he is angered , and you - " he paused and shifted his weight from foot to foot . " Please let me take it to him . " " You are - er - " he paused again , and reddened as he realized how many faces were looking up at him around the hall . He braced himself . " You are a woman , Lady , your pardon . " Saeryn cracked a smile . " So I am , " she agreed . She took a quick glance around . Cerwyn had seen to the last of the serving . She set her tray down and picked up Garreth 's serving . " You have worked hard and are tired . Sit and enjoy your supper and stay warm and dry . " " Harreld , " Saeryn said , firmly , but not unkindly . " I am not afraid of your brother . You will not let my good supper go to waste . I know men better than to think a woman 's quarrel will put them off their meat . " She smiled at him again and went back toward the kitchen to find a cover for the bowl before taking it out into the rain . " No . He 'll be quite mad when he finds I 've gone , if he hasn 't already heard , " she said . " So maybe you 've not got the corner on roguishness at this table . " She attempted a grin , but even to her own ears the humor seemed flat . " As I said before , I 'm hoping Léof and Father might finally forgive each other . Father 's better than he used to be , I think . But I also thought Léof would want to come home , if I gave him the chance , and I seem to have gotten that terribly wrong . " With the fight between Rowenna and Saeryn over ( or at least suspended ) , Léof finally felt safe to move again . He 'd finished his soup , having been very keenly focused on it for the last several minutes , and he had no wish to linger at the table . It was past time for him to catch up with Cerwyn , anyway . Taking a piece of bread in hand , he stood up and scanned the Hall for his sister . He spotted her at the other end of the room , sitting with Javan , Garmund , and Cnebba , and headed in their direction . Rowenna walked through the downpour . She had taken off her cloak inside and forgotten to put it back on . It was cold . She was drenched in seconds . She did not care . Right now she hated Saeryn . She knew it wouldn 't last , but this was now . She was enraged at herself for having retreated from the fight , but she had seen that it was going badly for her , and the only way to win would have been to openly test Saeryn 's word that Eodwine would favor her instead of his own wife . She would not do that . If Eodwine favored Saeryn , then it would go badly for Rowenna ; if Eodwine favored Rowenna , Scarburg could become a very bad place to be . It already was a bad place for her to be . She sent the water spraying with each footstep , for the puddles were growing ; even with the new trench . She reached the scar and began to climb . Soon , the light from the settlement ended and she was feeling her way , scrabbling in the mud and sliding stone and sand of the scar . It was already a bad place to be because there would be no end of fighting with Saeryn , and the advantage belonged squarely with Saeryn . Rowenna liked her , she was an honest and well meaning lady , wife , and mother , but that did not lessen that she was impossible . Rowenna reached the highest point of the scar and looked out . The darkness was complete : she could see nothing . All she could hear was the rains striking the ground or puddles . Scyld had just watched the whole thing . That was his way . If they were a couple , a real couple , he might have come to her defense . But they were not a couple , and there was no use teasing herself about it . She knew that if she did not get back inside soon , she would most likely sicken and maybe worse , but she could not bring herself to do it . Instead , half realizing it , her feet were taking her down the last of the hillocks of the scar , and out onto the open plain . Her fingers were numb and she could barely feel her feet . Her arms shook and her teeth chattered , but she kept moving forward , away from the scar , into the night , her thoughts a mess of spinning threads . Eodwine watched the whole thing pass . He found it hard to swallow his food for the distaste of what was happening before his eyes . He would not interfere with his wife 's actions ; it would not be good for the folk to see them at odds , but this would have to be dealt with . He also realized that his displeasure was not , for the most , in how Saeryn dealt with Rowenna . No , it was something else , something he did not know quite how to say . He realized that he was simply in a foul mood . They came on him rarely , but when they did , there was no helping it . Maybe it had been brought on by the difficulties of the dung pit and the trench , but if so then only in part . The best thing he could do was lay low until it passed . It was what he should do . He finished his food and thought to get up and go in . But he stayed sitting where he was , waiting for his wife to finish with her many tasks . Saeryn hurried through the soggy courtyard toward the smithy , ducking her head against the rain , and seeing little except the ground just before her feet . When she reached the eaves of the smithy , she raised her head and shook the loose rain drops from her hair . She gave an involuntary shiver before entering the smithy . " I have brought you your supper , " she said . " If you like , you can come back in and eat it . Or stay out here , as you wish . " Garreth looked up from his work and regarded her sullenly . " I asked Harreld to bring me my food , no - one else . Is he suddenly too ill to do the job himself ? " Saeryn was not going to get into another argument with a hard - headed contestant . She set the food down on a workbench . " Harreld has worked hard today . I saw little reason to send him out again into the rain . Here is your supper . Have a goodnight . " Garreth was not about to let a woman have the last word , at least not without one retort . " And here I thought it was the lord of the hall that made such decisions , rather than his wife . " He allowed a goodly amount of sneer into the last word he spoke . Saeryn paused by the door and reflected on his words . She made an effort not to let them affect her . She looked back at him . " Goodnight , Garreth , " she said , and went out into the rain . " Women , confound them , " she heard Garreth mutter behind her . She almost walked right into Harreld . She jumped with a surprised gasp . When she looked up at him , she saw he looked worried . " What did he say to you ? " he asked . " Not much , " she said , backing up under the eave of the smithy again . " I think he indicated that I was running the roost instead of Eodwine . " She sighed . " I am sorry . I would have spared you his temper . He trusts no woman since - since his time in Edoras . Good night . " Harreld let her go by and went inside the smithy . Well , it would be a most tragic thing to have done , walking out into the open plains , in the cold rain , with not enough clothing , but it would be a fool thing to do , and Scyld was not about to come rescue her . Rowenna was still standing on the last escarpment of the scar , watching the tragedy play out in her mind 's eye . Well , it was not to be . She huffed a sigh , turned around , and went back the way she had come . She saw Saeryn walking from the smithy back to the hall . Could it be that she had taken Garreth 's dinner to him ? It would not be surprising . She followed the lady back toward the hall , watched her go in , and maybe half a minute later passed inside herself . Saeryn was seeing to the needs of various of the folk as she made her way toward the front where Eodwine sat waiting and watching his wife . Scyld had not moved . Something inside hardened at the man 's inaction . She bristled . " Lady Saeryn ! " She turned and faced her ; her smile faded and her face became tense . Rowenna raised her chin and looked down her nose at the woman who ruled with her husband . He stirred his soup absently . He was still aware of these things , but his primary emotion now was not amusement . He felt the detachment that he 'd cultivated for years slipping away , and he wasn 't sure he liked - or trusted - the way that felt . Glancing over at Rowenna 's still - full soup bowl , he considered trying to take it to her - wasn 't that what she wanted , a man to serve her meal ? A smirk twitched at his lips at the thought , but he rejected it . He did not know where she had gone , and he was not going to chase after her . Besides , he had no wish to go back out into the cold and wet now that he was warm and dry . He played over the fight in his mind as he ate . He was keenly reminded of an earlier thought : that Rowenna still felt she had something to prove . And why should that be ? Saeryn was right - no one would dare disrespect Rowenna . But perhaps because of Eodwine 's protection , she never felt that she had earned that respect in her own right ? Or maybe , was there something about herself that she simply found un - respectable ? He 'd been drawn to her for many reasons , but perhaps the biggest was that they were much alike . For the first time , he wondered if that was a good thing . He frowned . Once , long ago , Rowenna had claimed to have found a home here , but clearly there was still tension . If she had not managed in five years to lay that to rest , what hope did he have ? Why had he come back ? Just as he was starting to think that Rowenna had been gone overlong , he saw her come inside . He was surprised to see her approach Saeryn directly , though he was too far away to hear what was said . Well . Maybe she would come back for her soup . Despite all his doubts , he rather hoped she would . As Saeryn passed from the cold rain into the warm , comforting atmosphere of the hall , she drew a slow breath . She felt suddenly tired and very hungry . Garreth 's grumblings had become so commonplace she scarcely remembered them , and the dash through the rain had released the built tension of her quarrel with Rowenna . She resolved to find Rowenna and make it right … later . Now , she was ready to go and sit by Eodwine . It seemed more than just a few hours since they last spoke quietly and uninterrupted together . She made her way forward , pausing once or twice along the way . Suddenly , her name was called from behind , loudly . She turned and faced Rowenna . " You are not my serving wench , Rowenna . In all I said , I never meant that . Please , " she said , her shoulder 's drooping a little , " go sit down and finish your supper . I have fed the rest of the people . There is nothing left to be done for the time being . Or , " she added realizing Rowenna 's condition , " get into something dry first . " So Saeryn was going to run Scarburg with her feelings rather than by her will . So be it . Rowenna had already laid it out for herself that she would treat every whim of the lady as her iron will , no matter how inconsistent . She wondered if Saeryn had noticed that Rowenna had looked over her head rather in the eye during the whole exchange . She shrugged . |
You hear people say all the time that people resemble their pets . This always to me bring about images of stocky men in bowler hats walking broad chested English bulldogs , or women wearing $ 700 shoes and smothered in diamonds carrying a little yappy purse dog with a diamond studded collar . In my head though I always associate this with people and their dogs , not their cats . I am not really sure why I have this particular mind set . I am a cat person so one would think I would go to cats before dogs in my mind , but I don 't . I always think of dogs and not cats . It isn 't that I think cats are devoid of character , if anything I think they can have more character than most . I mean seriously if you have ever owned a cat you know how true this is . I suppose it is because I have never really seen anything of myself in my cats . We own three cats . The youngest , Miss Etta James , is really our cat whereas the other two cats most certainly belong to one of the two of us . Etta has not thus far chosen between the husbeast and me . She seems to like us both pretty equally . Actually I think she likes the kid most , maybe she is really her cat and just living with us . MuShu is the husbeasts cat . She has been from the moment we saw her . He picked her up and the first thing this tiny little kitten did was reach up and put a paw on either side of his nose and proceed to lick his nose . He melted . I paid the nice lady from the ASPCA . There is never any doubt that he is her thumb slave and I am simply tolerated . It is fine with me that MuShu is his , because Pigwidgeon is mine . Pig is the oldest of our cats . We got him just before we hit our one year anniversary of dating . He has been my sweet baby boy from the day we brought him home from the shelter . He was nothing but fluff and head back then . The husbeast used to joke that he was going to tip forward from his head being so damned big . He has always been an incredibly smart cat . He figured out quickly how to trick everyone in the house into feeding him . It took us a couple of months to figure out why we were going through cat food so fast and why he was so fat . Feeding him five times a day will do that . He also figured out how to open doors early on . We used to find him hiding in cabinets all the time . Whenever he got startled he would run and open a kitchen cabinet , run inside , and reach out to swing the door shut behind him . We had to start placing heavy objects in front of the bedroom door at night early on to keep him from escaping . He has taught this trick to the other cats . He is starting to get old though . He will be 12 next summer and I am well aware that this is about the age that cats start having health problems and age issues . Thus far the only signs of his aging has been him becoming a little more grump about everything . He has no problem very loudly displaying his displeasure with everything . Even when you pet him he will let you know he is a cranky old man . Last week he started to sneeze and sniffle a lot . I didn 't think much of it until I realized he wasn 't eating . This cat lives to eat , so I knew he was sick . The vet said it was just a head cold and gave me an antibiotic for him . He said that cats don 't like to eat what they can 't smell and he should be fine in a week or so . So this past week we have been babying the old man . He has been allowed to sleep where he wants , he is getting his own can of food a few times a day to go with his medicine , he has been getting extra skritches and cuddles , and no one is yelling at him when he makes a lot of noise . He is being treated so well because we love him and he is not well , but really it helps that he looks so pathetic that no one with any heart could be mean to him right now . Seriously this is the most pathetic sick cat ever . The first day after he started his meds he just sort of lay in one spot all day long . The husbeast picked him up to give him his dropper of medicine and he barely put up a fight . After the meds were done I brought him a dish of food and he just barely raised his head up enough to get his mouth in the bowl . He didn 't even try to stand up to get the food , he just let me sort of hand feed him . It was at this exact moment in time I realized my cat and I are exactly the same . Sure there are lots of things about us that are similar ; I am smart and clever , he is smart and clever , I love food , he loves food , I can be very vocal , he can be very vocal . All of that aside though , we are both ridiculously pathetic when we don 't feel good . I mentioned this to the husbeast and he laughed as he agreed with me . Thankfully he is on the mend . His head is still full of snot but he is up and moving around acting more spry . He has figured out that medicine means a can of food so he is less pathetic around medicine time and more eager . This all makes me happy . He may be getting old and grumpy but he will always be my sweet little fur baby . Reactions : No comments : There are moments in your life that happen and are uniquely profound in the simplicity of the moment . Images that strike you as so beautiful without reason that is almost hurts . Things that should mean nothing at all but still touch you to the very center of your soul . Nothingness that is all consuming . If you have ever seen the movie American Beauty there is a scene where the weird neighbor kid is showing the girl next door a video he shot of a plastic grocery bag caught in a little whirl wind . The video is just nothing but watching this bag dance on the wind , skipping across the ground before leaping into the air once more in this graceful ballet . The kid pontificates about the beauty in the moment . He goes on and on about how it just caught his eye and he couldn 't help but watch it . He goes on and on about this bag for what seems like forever . At first I was inclined to think it was just another example of how strange the kid was , but as I watched it I realized that he was right . As weird as he was , what he was saying was true . One day a few years ago I cam home after a fairly good sized storm had rolled through . As I glanced out my back window I noticed that among the damp brown and gray muck of my yard was a single bright red balloon bouncing about from puddle to puddle . I stood in my kitchen for a long moment watching as it skipped along the ground . It was so brilliant in comparison to its bland surroundings that I couldn 't take my eyes off of it . As I watched it I began to think of what a grand adventure that balloon must be on . I wondered where it had been and what things it had seen . Had it started out as part of a childs birthday party or some other festive celebration . Perhaps it had been part of a promotional offer from a local store . Mayhaps it had even made its way from the tiny amusement park just down the road from our house . Now it was free to sail on the winds of the storm and see so much more . My yard had to be one of many stops the balloon had made . It might just be taking a pleasant rest from its journeys before setting off on another adventure . There was the whole world for it to see , one puddle filled yard at a time . Who knew where it would go next . I suppose I could have easily thought of it as nothing more than something sad and lost . Some bit of joy a child had carelessly let slip away or something discarded after its brief bout of usefulness . I could have looked at it as nothing more than garbage that had sailed into my yard on the wings of the storm . Today my heart is heavy and my soul feels sad . I know that my people , my clan , my family of choice are feeling this weight of loss and sorrow today as well . I wish I had no need to write this post now , or ever again . I know that the world is still reeling from the tragic events of last week , but in my world , in our small corner of existence , our own small tragedy seems to be the only thing to focus on . Death is never something that comes without the price of sorrow on some level . Whether it is senseless loss of life , the end of a long struggle , or simply passing in the night , it never seems fair . I 've been staring at a blank screen for most of the day trying to think what I can write here . What can I write that is a comfort to myself and to my loved ones in this dark hour . What can I write that would do justice to the man who is no longer here with us . What can I write that will ease the strain on my soul . The truth is that this is a post that I have written in the past . It is a post that I will write again in the future . The truth is I have reached a point in my life where the words ' natural causes ' are going to be more likely when taking that painful phone call . No longer is it senseless tragedy alone that will claim those I care for . Sometimes it will just be that time . While riding silently home last night , after spending the evening amongst familiar faces , drowning our sorrow in beer and fried food , I simply clung to the husbeasts hand as we drove . I didn 't know what to say . He didn 't know what to do but choke on a few tears . He looked over at me , lit only by the glow of the red light we sat at and told me in a raspy voice that it was just one more promise he couldn 't keep . He said it was only something small . It was something that normally would not have mattered . The last time it was only a promised steak dinner . This time it was only the promise of a warhammer game and some beers in the garage . It was nothing that should have been anything of consequence . Now though it is a promise that will never come to pass and suddenly it seems like the entire world . Death seems so much harsher lit by the bright lights of a Christmas tree and surrounded by the sounds of Silent Night . It seems so much more unfair as we enter a season designed around togetherness and family and showing your love for those around you . It seems so much worse when there is suddenly a hole in your world . I suppose it makes us hug those that are still here a little tighter . It makes us say I love you with a little more reverence . It makes us smile upon a freshly born child a little more . It makes all those meaningless promises so much more important to fulfill . Today is a day I didn 't want to write a post , this post in particular . I am sorry that I had to do it . I am sorry that someday I will have to write it again . I am happy though that I can write it . I am happy that I am blessed enough to have people that I love so very much . When I lose one it weighs heavy on my soul , but I would rather this brief pain than not have all the joy that they bring to me . To those who have come before us and to those who are still here , always show your love . Leave no promise to tomorrow , because someday tomorrow might not come . Reactions : 1 comment : Sometime about a year ago while I was expanding my blog reading world I stumbled upon Losing Sanity . I can 't tell you how I got to Johanna 's blog , but I was instantly happy that I had found it . It quickly became obvious that this was a blog that I was going to want to read and really enjoy . I remember quite clearly when I started reading her blog she kept mentioning the book she had written , Losing Beauty . It was supposed to be a modern day retelling of the Persephone and Hades myth . Honestly after I read that I didn 't need any convincing that I should read this book . I am a total sucker for that sort of thing . Sadly I found that at that particular time Losing Beauty was only available in e - format . I didn 't have an e - reader of any sort . This was still well before I left the stone age and got a smart phone as well . I had no actual way to read the book . I was incredibly sad . Then the day I was hoping for finally came , the book was being printed and the luddites of the world could finally enjoy her book as well . Considering I had wanted to read this book for a while at this point one would think I would go out and buy it . Only I didn 't . It , like most things , was placed on my Amazon list for eventual purchase . That is it slipped my mind until a few weeks ago Johanna announced that the second book in the Persephony Campbell series , Losing Hope , was being released in mid December ( next Monday to be exact ) . Suddenly Losing Beauty was back on my radar . I remembered how much I had wanted to read it when I first heard about it . Now I had this tablet and it would be so easy and convenient to just download it . So I did . It was so very much worth the wait . I had planned on reading it slowly . I was going to read a little in the evening before bed and then finish it up this weekend so that I wouldn 't be left waiting anxiously for the release of the next book on Monday . I should have known better . I downloaded the book on Wednesday afternoon at work and was finished with it before work ended on Thursday . Now to be fair I did read for a while at home Wednesday night , but I must admit I didn 't get a lot of work done at the office on Thursday . I just couldn 't put the book down . Actually I couldn 't put my phone down . My tablet was having some technical issues so I was forced to read it on my phone . If you have never tried to read a book on your phone , trust me you aren 't missing much . If you do read books on your phone I would like to know how you haven 't gone blind yet . Technical issues aside , the book was wonderful . I already love reading her blog so I should have known that I would love reading her book . I found Johanna 's take on the myth to be incredibly clever . I loved the sense of mystery she built around the characters . I was constantly wanting to know what was going to happen next . Even when I knew well in advance what was going to happen , I was still in a place of suspense when it finally came to pass . The book follows the life of Persephony ' Persey ' Campbell , a strikingly beautiful young girl from Iowa , that along with what seems to be almost unnatural beauty , also has a strange magnetic pull to her that attracts everyone . More precisely her pull seems to attract peoples secrets , which they can not help but divulge to her no matter how dark and depraved they are . Haden is the ruler of the Underworld , who has found the anonymity of a modern uncaring society to be freeing if not a little dull . The story starts from the first time that Haden sets eyes on her . It takes him only one look at Persey for him to be hooked . Not even an immortal creature , once worshiped as a God , is immune to the elusive golden haired beauties strange powers . Though to his fascination she seems to be immune to his powers as the ruler of the dead to see humans ends . The story follows through Persey 's life as she tries to make her way through the world without having to bare witness to every persons dark inner secrets . All the while Haden , now obsessed with the unique beauty , plots and plans his way into having what he desires ; Persephony as his eternal wife and queen . We watch as Haden manipulates the world as best he can to achieve his goals , though even he can not seem to avert fate and natural law . I loved how the book explored good vs evil on multiple levels . Watching the individual characters battle with their own internal demons while you also see the worlds demons filtered through Persey Campbell and her unique abilities . The book ended in such a way that neither good nor evil had triumphed . Battles had been won but the war is by no means over . Old questions were still unanswered and new questions were waiting just formed on the edge of consciousness . Thankfully I only have to wait until Monday to get my next fix . I highly recommend this book to anyone who likes books with some mystery , some romance , or likes modern retellings of old myths or stories . This book was a delight to read , and even a slow reader like me flew through it . Johanna has created a wonderful world and woven a fantastic tale to which I personally can not wait to see more of . Reactions : No comments : It occurred to me yesterday that while it is completely undeniable that the holiday season is upon us , for many people the holidays do not truly begin for them until certain things happen . For every person it is something a little different . I am sure you have all heard laments about this from someone in your lives . I have been hearing for weeks now that people are unable to get into the holiday spirit due to the unseasonably warm weather Texas has been experiencing . I have also heard people say they just don 't feel it is the season until certain foods , music , shows , or events happen . For some people it isn 't until that certain decoration is pulled out of the attic and put on display . Today I decided to share with you something that make it the holiday season for me . As some of you know I am a bit of a Grinch when it comes to most any holiday . I don 't mind other people enjoying them and going insane decorating for them , but I don 't have that urge . We do minimal decorations in my house . The tree won 't go up until the Friday before Christmas . There are no outdoor lights . I suppose a lot of this has to do with laziness . I am the one who has to decorate and take the decorations down , so until someone else ( * cough - husbeast - cough * ) wants to actually pitch in , minimal is the word . Probably one of the surest signs for me that it is the holidays , and has been since I was a tiny girl , is the appearance of the Christmas castle . The castle is a bunch of old cracker boxes , toilet paper rolls , oatmeal containers , and any other object we could find to make a new segment . Each piece is carefully wrapped in festive colored , mostly metallic , wrapping paper . After it is wrapped we would then decorate the piece with bits of ribbon , trim , cutouts of doors , windows , crosses , or whatever seemed festive . Once all of the pieces were decorated you had yourself a bunch of castle segments . All that was left to do was put them together as we liked to create our holiday castle . It could look different every year , and since we added at least one new piece each year , it never stopped being new . This is a picture of my mothers castle . My grandmother had one as we were growing up that we added to yearly , and I know my Aunt has one as well . In my mind it wasn 't the Christmas season until the castle had been assembled . Mom snapped this picture last night and sent it to me . It really made the fact that it is indeed the holidays sink in for me . Whether it stays cold or gets hot again , whether there is the right sort of holiday themed food in the stores , whether the radio blares Christmas music or not , as long as I know the castle is up , it is Christmas time . What is it in your world that makes you know that the holiday 's are upon you ? I keep shocking myself when I look in the mirror , having forgotten I had cut it all off . I keep reaching up to tuck it back over my shoulder only to find my hand waving at nothing . I keep using way too much shampoo and hair product . I keep having to remember how to make my short hair style the way I want it to and not make me look stupid . - The cut on my wrist is healing nicely . I was finally able to take the butterfly stitches off on Friday night without fear that I might rip the wound open again . I have to admit though that I am still fairly convinced I may rip it open again . It doesn 't look that bad , though the more I look at it the more I realize how very close I was to a very bad situation . If my wrist had been turned just a little more , and I am talking like half an inch , there would have been a hospital visit there . I also would have gotten to see if my new steam cleaner was any good at taking blood out of the carpet . - I am almost done with my Christmas shopping . I am pretty sure I have 90 % of the stocking stuff covered which is always my favorite part . I have a couple of items left to get for the stockings , but those can wait until a little closer to the day . I do still have a couple of people left on my list . They are the people that I just really have no idea what to buy for them . The frustrating part is that every time I go to buy them something I find something perfect for the people I already have a ton of stuff for . - The weather finally turned cold last night . After a month or so of incredibly lovely pleasant weather we had a cold snap . This morning there was a very light dusting of snow on the rooftops and the cars . People all over the city seem to be elated by this turn of events . I for one am less than pleased . I hate the cold . Hate it . We have had weather that most people would kill for . I mean seriously it has been mid to low 70 's , blue sunny skies , gentle breeze for over a month now . I know it isn 't what one would consider traditional holiday weather , but seriously . Why would anyone want to trade that for bitter coldness ? - The women in my office are being extra chatty today . We have gone through a bit of a pleasant streak of relative silence lately . They have either been out of office , or had very little to say as of late . Today has ended the streak though . Every few minutes they start up a conversation . This wouldn 't be so bad if it weren 't for the fact that they are all sitting at their own desks and just shouting at each other through the cube walls . Why they can 't just IM each other is well beyond me . Yesterday started off very poorly for me . I don 't really want to go into the details , but lets just say the events of the morning did not leave me in the best of moods . I was not really someone that was fit for public consumption in my very angry state . I felt very much like having a Foamy worthy rant at anyone who crossed me . That really isn 't a pretty or a happy place to be . I like being in my happy place . Everyone should want to be in their happy place . It is warm and squishy and happy . Well mine is anyways . Your happy place can be anything you like . That is why it is your happy place . I had a couple of options for how to fix this mood problem I was having . I could have gone and found liquor while at lunch . It is amazing what a margarita will improve your mood . I also could have gone and gotten a peppermint milkshake at lunch since that is pretty much instant happiness in a cup . I also could have done some retail therapy since I am the type of girl that works on . The thin is none of those things seemed right to me . This cranky was coming from someplace deep inside . It came from a weariness in my soul . It was not something that could be fixed with just booze or ice cream or a shiny new toys . Those would just be temporary fixes . I needed something that would soothe my soul . There is nothing in the world that I find more satisfying than making a good meal for people I love . It is a soothing balm for me . To put the love and energy into that meal and then turn around and feed it to my loved ones is all I need to set my world right . Watching their faces light up as they eat is just a happy comforting sight . So one giant pot of potato soup later I sat amongst six people I love dearly feeling warm and content . They were well fed and satisfied and so was I . The dark cloud over my head had dissipated . My soul was content once more . Did you know that super glue can be used to close a wound and is in some case considered better than a traditional suture ? It was used in the Korean war to help stop bleeding and close wounds while in the field . It is especially useful when you are home alone and have just cut your wrist open in a freak cleaning accident . So this last weekend was the first weekend after faire ended . In my world that means a two day cleaning spree . My house never comes out of a faire season in any shape fit for human occupation , so I feel two days of deep cleaning the house is in order . It allows me to relax later guilt free . I was lucky in the fact that the husbeast was out of town for a weekend long bachelor party . Him being gone allows me to clean as I like with no one getting in my way . Sure it meant I had to move furniture on my own , but it is a price I am willing to pay . Seriously no one wants to be around me when I clean . The day was going well . I had done most of the dishes the night before , a couple of loads of laundry had been finished , the front room had been cleaned , and the master bathroom had been scoured . I was in the midst of cleaning the master bedroom and it was only mid afternoon . I was on the path to finishing the cleaning much earlier than anticipated . When my grandmother passed away earlier this year I was given a collection of small old glass bottles that used to be on her mantle piece . The bottles were from the barn on her parents property . Really they are something I remember very fondly from childhood , so I was eager to accept them . They now live on the red shelf in my bedroom . I had begun to dust the shelf , carefully picking up each bottle and dusting it off before setting it aside . About halfway through the collection something happened that I can 't really explain . I mean I know what happened , but I don 't really know . You see I had a bottle in each hand , one freshly dusted and one needing to be dusted . I was in the process of setting down the clean bottle when the undusted bottle slipped out of my hand . As I was watching the bottle fall towards the dresser where it would surely shatter into a million pieces , I had a knee jerk reaction to stop its descent . Both of my hands grabbed for the bottle but I still had a bottle in my left hand . The two bottles made contact , and it is possible that the falling bottle ricocheted off of the other bottle and into the edge of the shelf . I am really not sure as it happened very quickly . What I do know is that I caught the bottle . Unfortunately in my effort the top of the falling bottle broke off . Now it didn 't just break . Oh no , that would be too easy ( and boring ) . No , instead of just breaking off , the broken chunk of glass shot away from the bottle and sliced cleanly across my right wrist before disappearing into the ether . * At this moment time seemed to stop . You see it didn 't hurt at all when I got cut . I sort of just watched as my wrist suddenly split open . It wasn 't bleeding or anything . I was just staring at this open spot in my skin marveling at the fact that I was pretty sure I was looking at muscle . I had never seen a wound like that . At first I thought the glass had gouged out a chunk of flesh . I have seen wounds like that before and was prepared for that . Then I realized the edges were too smooth and uniform for that . Also there was the lack of a piece of flesh that had been removed . It was at this point I put the bottles down and squeezed the wound together and realized it was indeed a clean cut . I had just flayed part of my arm open . That is also when it finally started to bleed . I ran and got some gauze and then realized that there was no way I was going to be able to take care of this wound on my own . I had none of the right first aid implements , and I am right handed . Closing a wound with your non dominate hand is very hard . I quickly texted the kid and my best friend asking if they were around . I tried calling them as well but there was no answer . I was trying to avoid sending a text that said I had cut my wrist open , which is funny considering when I cut the tip of my finger off last year that is exactly what I texted the kid . Somehow though saying you lobbed off part of a digit and saying you slit your wrist open have very different reactions . I couldn 't get a hold of anyone in my area to come help me . Visions of having to duct tape my arm with the help of my teeth and driving to the ER were swimming in my head . It never once occurred to me to call my mother in law . My mother in law who is an RN . My mother in law the RN who lives five minutes away from me and could have driven over and fixed me up or driven me to go get stitches . What can I say , I wasn 't thinking clearly . As I am considering how I can get to the hospital I suddenly remembered that I had found a bottle of super glue earlier in the day . I have actually used super glue to close one of the husbeasts wounds before . This was a brilliant idea . I didn 't need anyone to help me do this . Ok so here is the problem with super gluing a wound together , especially when doing so with your non dominant hand ; super glue sticks to everything . By everything I mean it not only stuck my wound together ( completely without pain might I add ) but also glued my thumb to the wound . Thankfully it was just my thumb and I was able to peel it free without ripping the wound open . After that everything was fine . I texted the kid and my best friend to let them know I was fine and not to panic . Of course 45 minutes later when they saw the texts they both responded a little panicked . The kid started texting me that she would be over as soon as she found pants . I assured her she could stay pantless and I was fine . I also texted the husbeast so he wouldn 't read about my injury on Facebook . I discovered the quickest way to clear a craps table is to send someone a text saying you slit your wrist but are fine . All 8 of the guys stepped off the table to call and make sure I was indeed alright . The super glue proved to be a decent solution until I had to shower . At that point the super glue came free from the wound . Apparently you can 't get it wet . So I just super glued it again . This time I managed to actually glue both my fingers to the wound . Twice . On the third attempt to glue it together I made sure to keep my finger as far from the wound as I could because I was really tired of ripping the wound back open . I succeeded that time , though I did glue my entire thumb to my arm . I found some butterflies the next day and removed the super glue altogether . Putting on butterflies with your non dominant hand is almost as difficult as the super glue . I think I went through five before I got two to stick and do what they were supposed to do . I am now left to wonder how long I have to leave the butterflies on and at what point I can stop worrying about ripping the wound back open from putting strain on my wrist . The cut is a good one . It is about an inch long , and had it been about half an inch further toward the center of my wrist this post would have been about me making my neighbor drive me to the ER and then having to use my new steam cleaner to get blood out of my carpet . From all of this I have learned that keeping super glue in the medicine cabinet is a good idea , especially for accident prone people like me . Also the husbeast has decided that I should have a sitter anytime he goes out with the guys considering this is the second time I have significantly injured myself in his absence . As I look at my wrist I think he might be right . * Seriously I searched everywhere and found no trace of the glass . It is either behind the dresser or lost in the cat box . Yes I sifted through the cat box so as not to injure one of the cats but I found nothing at all . It is possible that after it attacked me it then exploded into tiny slivers which I managed to not step on and instead vacuum up . Or you know it disappeared into the ether . Reactions : 2 comments : I hate writing a bio about me , because really how do I describe me in under 1200 characters . I would like to think that I can not sum myself up in such a short space . I sort of like to think that I can not be summed up or even explained . I am me . I am so many things , and am not a lot of other things . I am ever changing yet constant . I just . . . am . |
You hear people say all the time that people resemble their pets . This always to me bring about images of stocky men in bowler hats walking broad chested English bulldogs , or women wearing $ 700 shoes and smothered in diamonds carrying a little yappy purse dog with a diamond studded collar . In my head though I always associate this with people and their dogs , not their cats . I am not really sure why I have this particular mind set . I am a cat person so one would think I would go to cats before dogs in my mind , but I don 't . I always think of dogs and not cats . It isn 't that I think cats are devoid of character , if anything I think they can have more character than most . I mean seriously if you have ever owned a cat you know how true this is . I suppose it is because I have never really seen anything of myself in my cats . We own three cats . The youngest , Miss Etta James , is really our cat whereas the other two cats most certainly belong to one of the two of us . Etta has not thus far chosen between the husbeast and me . She seems to like us both pretty equally . Actually I think she likes the kid most , maybe she is really her cat and just living with us . MuShu is the husbeasts cat . She has been from the moment we saw her . He picked her up and the first thing this tiny little kitten did was reach up and put a paw on either side of his nose and proceed to lick his nose . He melted . I paid the nice lady from the ASPCA . There is never any doubt that he is her thumb slave and I am simply tolerated . It is fine with me that MuShu is his , because Pigwidgeon is mine . Pig is the oldest of our cats . We got him just before we hit our one year anniversary of dating . He has been my sweet baby boy from the day we brought him home from the shelter . He was nothing but fluff and head back then . The husbeast used to joke that he was going to tip forward from his head being so damned big . He has always been an incredibly smart cat . He figured out quickly how to trick everyone in the house into feeding him . It took us a couple of months to figure out why we were going through cat food so fast and why he was so fat . Feeding him five times a day will do that . He also figured out how to open doors early on . We used to find him hiding in cabinets all the time . Whenever he got startled he would run and open a kitchen cabinet , run inside , and reach out to swing the door shut behind him . We had to start placing heavy objects in front of the bedroom door at night early on to keep him from escaping . He has taught this trick to the other cats . He is starting to get old though . He will be 12 next summer and I am well aware that this is about the age that cats start having health problems and age issues . Thus far the only signs of his aging has been him becoming a little more grump about everything . He has no problem very loudly displaying his displeasure with everything . Even when you pet him he will let you know he is a cranky old man . Last week he started to sneeze and sniffle a lot . I didn 't think much of it until I realized he wasn 't eating . This cat lives to eat , so I knew he was sick . The vet said it was just a head cold and gave me an antibiotic for him . He said that cats don 't like to eat what they can 't smell and he should be fine in a week or so . So this past week we have been babying the old man . He has been allowed to sleep where he wants , he is getting his own can of food a few times a day to go with his medicine , he has been getting extra skritches and cuddles , and no one is yelling at him when he makes a lot of noise . He is being treated so well because we love him and he is not well , but really it helps that he looks so pathetic that no one with any heart could be mean to him right now . Seriously this is the most pathetic sick cat ever . The first day after he started his meds he just sort of lay in one spot all day long . The husbeast picked him up to give him his dropper of medicine and he barely put up a fight . After the meds were done I brought him a dish of food and he just barely raised his head up enough to get his mouth in the bowl . He didn 't even try to stand up to get the food , he just let me sort of hand feed him . It was at this exact moment in time I realized my cat and I are exactly the same . Sure there are lots of things about us that are similar ; I am smart and clever , he is smart and clever , I love food , he loves food , I can be very vocal , he can be very vocal . All of that aside though , we are both ridiculously pathetic when we don 't feel good . I mentioned this to the husbeast and he laughed as he agreed with me . Thankfully he is on the mend . His head is still full of snot but he is up and moving around acting more spry . He has figured out that medicine means a can of food so he is less pathetic around medicine time and more eager . This all makes me happy . He may be getting old and grumpy but he will always be my sweet little fur baby . Reactions : No comments : There are moments in your life that happen and are uniquely profound in the simplicity of the moment . Images that strike you as so beautiful without reason that is almost hurts . Things that should mean nothing at all but still touch you to the very center of your soul . Nothingness that is all consuming . If you have ever seen the movie American Beauty there is a scene where the weird neighbor kid is showing the girl next door a video he shot of a plastic grocery bag caught in a little whirl wind . The video is just nothing but watching this bag dance on the wind , skipping across the ground before leaping into the air once more in this graceful ballet . The kid pontificates about the beauty in the moment . He goes on and on about how it just caught his eye and he couldn 't help but watch it . He goes on and on about this bag for what seems like forever . At first I was inclined to think it was just another example of how strange the kid was , but as I watched it I realized that he was right . As weird as he was , what he was saying was true . One day a few years ago I cam home after a fairly good sized storm had rolled through . As I glanced out my back window I noticed that among the damp brown and gray muck of my yard was a single bright red balloon bouncing about from puddle to puddle . I stood in my kitchen for a long moment watching as it skipped along the ground . It was so brilliant in comparison to its bland surroundings that I couldn 't take my eyes off of it . As I watched it I began to think of what a grand adventure that balloon must be on . I wondered where it had been and what things it had seen . Had it started out as part of a childs birthday party or some other festive celebration . Perhaps it had been part of a promotional offer from a local store . Mayhaps it had even made its way from the tiny amusement park just down the road from our house . Now it was free to sail on the winds of the storm and see so much more . My yard had to be one of many stops the balloon had made . It might just be taking a pleasant rest from its journeys before setting off on another adventure . There was the whole world for it to see , one puddle filled yard at a time . Who knew where it would go next . I suppose I could have easily thought of it as nothing more than something sad and lost . Some bit of joy a child had carelessly let slip away or something discarded after its brief bout of usefulness . I could have looked at it as nothing more than garbage that had sailed into my yard on the wings of the storm . Today my heart is heavy and my soul feels sad . I know that my people , my clan , my family of choice are feeling this weight of loss and sorrow today as well . I wish I had no need to write this post now , or ever again . I know that the world is still reeling from the tragic events of last week , but in my world , in our small corner of existence , our own small tragedy seems to be the only thing to focus on . Death is never something that comes without the price of sorrow on some level . Whether it is senseless loss of life , the end of a long struggle , or simply passing in the night , it never seems fair . I 've been staring at a blank screen for most of the day trying to think what I can write here . What can I write that is a comfort to myself and to my loved ones in this dark hour . What can I write that would do justice to the man who is no longer here with us . What can I write that will ease the strain on my soul . The truth is that this is a post that I have written in the past . It is a post that I will write again in the future . The truth is I have reached a point in my life where the words ' natural causes ' are going to be more likely when taking that painful phone call . No longer is it senseless tragedy alone that will claim those I care for . Sometimes it will just be that time . While riding silently home last night , after spending the evening amongst familiar faces , drowning our sorrow in beer and fried food , I simply clung to the husbeasts hand as we drove . I didn 't know what to say . He didn 't know what to do but choke on a few tears . He looked over at me , lit only by the glow of the red light we sat at and told me in a raspy voice that it was just one more promise he couldn 't keep . He said it was only something small . It was something that normally would not have mattered . The last time it was only a promised steak dinner . This time it was only the promise of a warhammer game and some beers in the garage . It was nothing that should have been anything of consequence . Now though it is a promise that will never come to pass and suddenly it seems like the entire world . Death seems so much harsher lit by the bright lights of a Christmas tree and surrounded by the sounds of Silent Night . It seems so much more unfair as we enter a season designed around togetherness and family and showing your love for those around you . It seems so much worse when there is suddenly a hole in your world . I suppose it makes us hug those that are still here a little tighter . It makes us say I love you with a little more reverence . It makes us smile upon a freshly born child a little more . It makes all those meaningless promises so much more important to fulfill . Today is a day I didn 't want to write a post , this post in particular . I am sorry that I had to do it . I am sorry that someday I will have to write it again . I am happy though that I can write it . I am happy that I am blessed enough to have people that I love so very much . When I lose one it weighs heavy on my soul , but I would rather this brief pain than not have all the joy that they bring to me . To those who have come before us and to those who are still here , always show your love . Leave no promise to tomorrow , because someday tomorrow might not come . Reactions : 1 comment : Sometime about a year ago while I was expanding my blog reading world I stumbled upon Losing Sanity . I can 't tell you how I got to Johanna 's blog , but I was instantly happy that I had found it . It quickly became obvious that this was a blog that I was going to want to read and really enjoy . I remember quite clearly when I started reading her blog she kept mentioning the book she had written , Losing Beauty . It was supposed to be a modern day retelling of the Persephone and Hades myth . Honestly after I read that I didn 't need any convincing that I should read this book . I am a total sucker for that sort of thing . Sadly I found that at that particular time Losing Beauty was only available in e - format . I didn 't have an e - reader of any sort . This was still well before I left the stone age and got a smart phone as well . I had no actual way to read the book . I was incredibly sad . Then the day I was hoping for finally came , the book was being printed and the luddites of the world could finally enjoy her book as well . Considering I had wanted to read this book for a while at this point one would think I would go out and buy it . Only I didn 't . It , like most things , was placed on my Amazon list for eventual purchase . That is it slipped my mind until a few weeks ago Johanna announced that the second book in the Persephony Campbell series , Losing Hope , was being released in mid December ( next Monday to be exact ) . Suddenly Losing Beauty was back on my radar . I remembered how much I had wanted to read it when I first heard about it . Now I had this tablet and it would be so easy and convenient to just download it . So I did . It was so very much worth the wait . I had planned on reading it slowly . I was going to read a little in the evening before bed and then finish it up this weekend so that I wouldn 't be left waiting anxiously for the release of the next book on Monday . I should have known better . I downloaded the book on Wednesday afternoon at work and was finished with it before work ended on Thursday . Now to be fair I did read for a while at home Wednesday night , but I must admit I didn 't get a lot of work done at the office on Thursday . I just couldn 't put the book down . Actually I couldn 't put my phone down . My tablet was having some technical issues so I was forced to read it on my phone . If you have never tried to read a book on your phone , trust me you aren 't missing much . If you do read books on your phone I would like to know how you haven 't gone blind yet . Technical issues aside , the book was wonderful . I already love reading her blog so I should have known that I would love reading her book . I found Johanna 's take on the myth to be incredibly clever . I loved the sense of mystery she built around the characters . I was constantly wanting to know what was going to happen next . Even when I knew well in advance what was going to happen , I was still in a place of suspense when it finally came to pass . The book follows the life of Persephony ' Persey ' Campbell , a strikingly beautiful young girl from Iowa , that along with what seems to be almost unnatural beauty , also has a strange magnetic pull to her that attracts everyone . More precisely her pull seems to attract peoples secrets , which they can not help but divulge to her no matter how dark and depraved they are . Haden is the ruler of the Underworld , who has found the anonymity of a modern uncaring society to be freeing if not a little dull . The story starts from the first time that Haden sets eyes on her . It takes him only one look at Persey for him to be hooked . Not even an immortal creature , once worshiped as a God , is immune to the elusive golden haired beauties strange powers . Though to his fascination she seems to be immune to his powers as the ruler of the dead to see humans ends . The story follows through Persey 's life as she tries to make her way through the world without having to bare witness to every persons dark inner secrets . All the while Haden , now obsessed with the unique beauty , plots and plans his way into having what he desires ; Persephony as his eternal wife and queen . We watch as Haden manipulates the world as best he can to achieve his goals , though even he can not seem to avert fate and natural law . I loved how the book explored good vs evil on multiple levels . Watching the individual characters battle with their own internal demons while you also see the worlds demons filtered through Persey Campbell and her unique abilities . The book ended in such a way that neither good nor evil had triumphed . Battles had been won but the war is by no means over . Old questions were still unanswered and new questions were waiting just formed on the edge of consciousness . Thankfully I only have to wait until Monday to get my next fix . I highly recommend this book to anyone who likes books with some mystery , some romance , or likes modern retellings of old myths or stories . This book was a delight to read , and even a slow reader like me flew through it . Johanna has created a wonderful world and woven a fantastic tale to which I personally can not wait to see more of . Reactions : No comments : It occurred to me yesterday that while it is completely undeniable that the holiday season is upon us , for many people the holidays do not truly begin for them until certain things happen . For every person it is something a little different . I am sure you have all heard laments about this from someone in your lives . I have been hearing for weeks now that people are unable to get into the holiday spirit due to the unseasonably warm weather Texas has been experiencing . I have also heard people say they just don 't feel it is the season until certain foods , music , shows , or events happen . For some people it isn 't until that certain decoration is pulled out of the attic and put on display . Today I decided to share with you something that make it the holiday season for me . As some of you know I am a bit of a Grinch when it comes to most any holiday . I don 't mind other people enjoying them and going insane decorating for them , but I don 't have that urge . We do minimal decorations in my house . The tree won 't go up until the Friday before Christmas . There are no outdoor lights . I suppose a lot of this has to do with laziness . I am the one who has to decorate and take the decorations down , so until someone else ( * cough - husbeast - cough * ) wants to actually pitch in , minimal is the word . Probably one of the surest signs for me that it is the holidays , and has been since I was a tiny girl , is the appearance of the Christmas castle . The castle is a bunch of old cracker boxes , toilet paper rolls , oatmeal containers , and any other object we could find to make a new segment . Each piece is carefully wrapped in festive colored , mostly metallic , wrapping paper . After it is wrapped we would then decorate the piece with bits of ribbon , trim , cutouts of doors , windows , crosses , or whatever seemed festive . Once all of the pieces were decorated you had yourself a bunch of castle segments . All that was left to do was put them together as we liked to create our holiday castle . It could look different every year , and since we added at least one new piece each year , it never stopped being new . This is a picture of my mothers castle . My grandmother had one as we were growing up that we added to yearly , and I know my Aunt has one as well . In my mind it wasn 't the Christmas season until the castle had been assembled . Mom snapped this picture last night and sent it to me . It really made the fact that it is indeed the holidays sink in for me . Whether it stays cold or gets hot again , whether there is the right sort of holiday themed food in the stores , whether the radio blares Christmas music or not , as long as I know the castle is up , it is Christmas time . What is it in your world that makes you know that the holiday 's are upon you ? I keep shocking myself when I look in the mirror , having forgotten I had cut it all off . I keep reaching up to tuck it back over my shoulder only to find my hand waving at nothing . I keep using way too much shampoo and hair product . I keep having to remember how to make my short hair style the way I want it to and not make me look stupid . - The cut on my wrist is healing nicely . I was finally able to take the butterfly stitches off on Friday night without fear that I might rip the wound open again . I have to admit though that I am still fairly convinced I may rip it open again . It doesn 't look that bad , though the more I look at it the more I realize how very close I was to a very bad situation . If my wrist had been turned just a little more , and I am talking like half an inch , there would have been a hospital visit there . I also would have gotten to see if my new steam cleaner was any good at taking blood out of the carpet . - I am almost done with my Christmas shopping . I am pretty sure I have 90 % of the stocking stuff covered which is always my favorite part . I have a couple of items left to get for the stockings , but those can wait until a little closer to the day . I do still have a couple of people left on my list . They are the people that I just really have no idea what to buy for them . The frustrating part is that every time I go to buy them something I find something perfect for the people I already have a ton of stuff for . - The weather finally turned cold last night . After a month or so of incredibly lovely pleasant weather we had a cold snap . This morning there was a very light dusting of snow on the rooftops and the cars . People all over the city seem to be elated by this turn of events . I for one am less than pleased . I hate the cold . Hate it . We have had weather that most people would kill for . I mean seriously it has been mid to low 70 's , blue sunny skies , gentle breeze for over a month now . I know it isn 't what one would consider traditional holiday weather , but seriously . Why would anyone want to trade that for bitter coldness ? - The women in my office are being extra chatty today . We have gone through a bit of a pleasant streak of relative silence lately . They have either been out of office , or had very little to say as of late . Today has ended the streak though . Every few minutes they start up a conversation . This wouldn 't be so bad if it weren 't for the fact that they are all sitting at their own desks and just shouting at each other through the cube walls . Why they can 't just IM each other is well beyond me . Yesterday started off very poorly for me . I don 't really want to go into the details , but lets just say the events of the morning did not leave me in the best of moods . I was not really someone that was fit for public consumption in my very angry state . I felt very much like having a Foamy worthy rant at anyone who crossed me . That really isn 't a pretty or a happy place to be . I like being in my happy place . Everyone should want to be in their happy place . It is warm and squishy and happy . Well mine is anyways . Your happy place can be anything you like . That is why it is your happy place . I had a couple of options for how to fix this mood problem I was having . I could have gone and found liquor while at lunch . It is amazing what a margarita will improve your mood . I also could have gone and gotten a peppermint milkshake at lunch since that is pretty much instant happiness in a cup . I also could have done some retail therapy since I am the type of girl that works on . The thin is none of those things seemed right to me . This cranky was coming from someplace deep inside . It came from a weariness in my soul . It was not something that could be fixed with just booze or ice cream or a shiny new toys . Those would just be temporary fixes . I needed something that would soothe my soul . There is nothing in the world that I find more satisfying than making a good meal for people I love . It is a soothing balm for me . To put the love and energy into that meal and then turn around and feed it to my loved ones is all I need to set my world right . Watching their faces light up as they eat is just a happy comforting sight . So one giant pot of potato soup later I sat amongst six people I love dearly feeling warm and content . They were well fed and satisfied and so was I . The dark cloud over my head had dissipated . My soul was content once more . Did you know that super glue can be used to close a wound and is in some case considered better than a traditional suture ? It was used in the Korean war to help stop bleeding and close wounds while in the field . It is especially useful when you are home alone and have just cut your wrist open in a freak cleaning accident . So this last weekend was the first weekend after faire ended . In my world that means a two day cleaning spree . My house never comes out of a faire season in any shape fit for human occupation , so I feel two days of deep cleaning the house is in order . It allows me to relax later guilt free . I was lucky in the fact that the husbeast was out of town for a weekend long bachelor party . Him being gone allows me to clean as I like with no one getting in my way . Sure it meant I had to move furniture on my own , but it is a price I am willing to pay . Seriously no one wants to be around me when I clean . The day was going well . I had done most of the dishes the night before , a couple of loads of laundry had been finished , the front room had been cleaned , and the master bathroom had been scoured . I was in the midst of cleaning the master bedroom and it was only mid afternoon . I was on the path to finishing the cleaning much earlier than anticipated . When my grandmother passed away earlier this year I was given a collection of small old glass bottles that used to be on her mantle piece . The bottles were from the barn on her parents property . Really they are something I remember very fondly from childhood , so I was eager to accept them . They now live on the red shelf in my bedroom . I had begun to dust the shelf , carefully picking up each bottle and dusting it off before setting it aside . About halfway through the collection something happened that I can 't really explain . I mean I know what happened , but I don 't really know . You see I had a bottle in each hand , one freshly dusted and one needing to be dusted . I was in the process of setting down the clean bottle when the undusted bottle slipped out of my hand . As I was watching the bottle fall towards the dresser where it would surely shatter into a million pieces , I had a knee jerk reaction to stop its descent . Both of my hands grabbed for the bottle but I still had a bottle in my left hand . The two bottles made contact , and it is possible that the falling bottle ricocheted off of the other bottle and into the edge of the shelf . I am really not sure as it happened very quickly . What I do know is that I caught the bottle . Unfortunately in my effort the top of the falling bottle broke off . Now it didn 't just break . Oh no , that would be too easy ( and boring ) . No , instead of just breaking off , the broken chunk of glass shot away from the bottle and sliced cleanly across my right wrist before disappearing into the ether . * At this moment time seemed to stop . You see it didn 't hurt at all when I got cut . I sort of just watched as my wrist suddenly split open . It wasn 't bleeding or anything . I was just staring at this open spot in my skin marveling at the fact that I was pretty sure I was looking at muscle . I had never seen a wound like that . At first I thought the glass had gouged out a chunk of flesh . I have seen wounds like that before and was prepared for that . Then I realized the edges were too smooth and uniform for that . Also there was the lack of a piece of flesh that had been removed . It was at this point I put the bottles down and squeezed the wound together and realized it was indeed a clean cut . I had just flayed part of my arm open . That is also when it finally started to bleed . I ran and got some gauze and then realized that there was no way I was going to be able to take care of this wound on my own . I had none of the right first aid implements , and I am right handed . Closing a wound with your non dominate hand is very hard . I quickly texted the kid and my best friend asking if they were around . I tried calling them as well but there was no answer . I was trying to avoid sending a text that said I had cut my wrist open , which is funny considering when I cut the tip of my finger off last year that is exactly what I texted the kid . Somehow though saying you lobbed off part of a digit and saying you slit your wrist open have very different reactions . I couldn 't get a hold of anyone in my area to come help me . Visions of having to duct tape my arm with the help of my teeth and driving to the ER were swimming in my head . It never once occurred to me to call my mother in law . My mother in law who is an RN . My mother in law the RN who lives five minutes away from me and could have driven over and fixed me up or driven me to go get stitches . What can I say , I wasn 't thinking clearly . As I am considering how I can get to the hospital I suddenly remembered that I had found a bottle of super glue earlier in the day . I have actually used super glue to close one of the husbeasts wounds before . This was a brilliant idea . I didn 't need anyone to help me do this . Ok so here is the problem with super gluing a wound together , especially when doing so with your non dominant hand ; super glue sticks to everything . By everything I mean it not only stuck my wound together ( completely without pain might I add ) but also glued my thumb to the wound . Thankfully it was just my thumb and I was able to peel it free without ripping the wound open . After that everything was fine . I texted the kid and my best friend to let them know I was fine and not to panic . Of course 45 minutes later when they saw the texts they both responded a little panicked . The kid started texting me that she would be over as soon as she found pants . I assured her she could stay pantless and I was fine . I also texted the husbeast so he wouldn 't read about my injury on Facebook . I discovered the quickest way to clear a craps table is to send someone a text saying you slit your wrist but are fine . All 8 of the guys stepped off the table to call and make sure I was indeed alright . The super glue proved to be a decent solution until I had to shower . At that point the super glue came free from the wound . Apparently you can 't get it wet . So I just super glued it again . This time I managed to actually glue both my fingers to the wound . Twice . On the third attempt to glue it together I made sure to keep my finger as far from the wound as I could because I was really tired of ripping the wound back open . I succeeded that time , though I did glue my entire thumb to my arm . I found some butterflies the next day and removed the super glue altogether . Putting on butterflies with your non dominant hand is almost as difficult as the super glue . I think I went through five before I got two to stick and do what they were supposed to do . I am now left to wonder how long I have to leave the butterflies on and at what point I can stop worrying about ripping the wound back open from putting strain on my wrist . The cut is a good one . It is about an inch long , and had it been about half an inch further toward the center of my wrist this post would have been about me making my neighbor drive me to the ER and then having to use my new steam cleaner to get blood out of my carpet . From all of this I have learned that keeping super glue in the medicine cabinet is a good idea , especially for accident prone people like me . Also the husbeast has decided that I should have a sitter anytime he goes out with the guys considering this is the second time I have significantly injured myself in his absence . As I look at my wrist I think he might be right . * Seriously I searched everywhere and found no trace of the glass . It is either behind the dresser or lost in the cat box . Yes I sifted through the cat box so as not to injure one of the cats but I found nothing at all . It is possible that after it attacked me it then exploded into tiny slivers which I managed to not step on and instead vacuum up . Or you know it disappeared into the ether . Reactions : 2 comments : I hate writing a bio about me , because really how do I describe me in under 1200 characters . I would like to think that I can not sum myself up in such a short space . I sort of like to think that I can not be summed up or even explained . I am me . I am so many things , and am not a lot of other things . I am ever changing yet constant . I just . . . am . |
Megan and I had been married for just more than five years . She and I had met in college , dated the whole four years and then after graduation , we got married . Megan is a true bombshell . Her body is tight and curvy in all the right places . One thing about her that drives many men crazy is her breasts . While they are not huge , they are ' D ' cups plus a bit in size . On her toned body they just stick out like two big neon signs . They are firm and have no sag whatsoever . Our sex life was good , and we had experimented in many ways of having sex . We had even tried anal sex once . She hadn 't liked it declaring that it was a bit too painful for her to enjoy it , so we never tried it again . I had been working for the company for just over two years when my boss Greg called me into his office . I was a bit uncertain what it was about since there had been many layoffs over the last months with the dot - gone crash and all . I had been laid off from my last job due to cuts so this didn 't bode well in my mind . When I entered his office , he motioned for me to sit in front of his desk while he finished up a phone call . I sat there for about four or five minutes getting more and more nervous as to why I was there . Was I about to get the boot ? I hoped not , since I had been bringing in more business to the company , and even had saved eight or nine contracts that had almost been lost to the competition . ' Oh I think you will find it to be great news Bill . I have been looking at the work you have been doing and realized that you have actually brought in more than eighteen million in new business since you have started with us . I am also aware of the contracts that you managed to save from our competitors too . ' ' Yes , eighteen million and you have saved more than ten million in those contracts you kept in our clients that were about to quit us . You have done very well for us and I wanted you to know that the company plans on rewarding you very soon for that great work . I will be making an announcement at the Christmas party that concerns you . I hope you will be there , and your pretty wife , Megan too . ' I was amazed . Greg had always been the playboy type of boss with a very hard edge . While he couldn 't promote me or give raises , he could put in a good word . He was in command of his department and everyone knew it too . There had been some rumors at one time about some of the ways he partied , but I had ignored them . Greg had always been straightforward with me . I had also never seen him do anything to substantiate the rumors anyway . I went home and decided not to tell Megan the news , thinking that she would be extremely surprised when we both found out together . I was hoping for a raise or a nice bonus for all my hard work . I took Megan out for dinner that night . I also asked her to buy a nice party dress for the Christmas party the next week . It was going to be an important one for both of us . That night , Megan was really wild in bed , even letting me finger here asshole a bit while I was eating her out . I got brave at one point and let my tongue wander down to where my finger was inside that tight little hole and tongued her there for a bit too . That coupled with the oral pleasure I had been giving her drove her over into orgasm . I had noticed that she orgasmed rather easily now as compared to when we first married . It seemed that we were getting more in touch with each other in our lovemaking now . All I knew was that I really loved my wife and had no eyes for anyone else . Megan was my whole world as far as I was concerned . Our sex life picked up noticeably the week before the party . Megan seemed insatiable most of the time . She knew that something was in the wind , but I didn 't tell her , wanting her to be surprised . She went out and got a new dress but wouldn 't let me see it until the night of the party . The night of the party she took an unusually long time to get ready . When I saw her in her new dress , I about had a heart attack . It was a black strapless number that looked like her breasts were about to fall out of it at any moment . Especially since she wasn 't wearing a bra . She was wearing thong panties and thigh - high stockings . In her heels she looked so damn sexy and wanton that I almost was afraid to take her outside . I noticed as she walked the hem of her dress would flip out in the rear with each step she took . At one point , as I walked behind her a few steps I could see that thin cloth strip of her thong panties in the crack of her ass flashing as that happened . I had a hard - on that wouldn 't quit by the time we got off the elevator to go inside where the party was going full bore . We were a bit late , but when Megan walked in dressed as she was , every male in the building had eyes only for her . I was proud and a bit intimidated at the same time . She was so perfect looking . I had a hard time believing that she was my wife . We went over to Greg and he was instantly between us talking and joking . He handed me a drink , and asked Megan what she wanted . Before she could answer , he told her he would get her a special drink that he was sure she would like . All my co - workers came over to introduce themselves to Megan , and some of them blatantly hit on her right in front of me . It seemed that most of these guys had some kind of comment about her going with them to party . I was a bit jealous , but also proud because the center of all their attention was with me . She would be going home with me too . Megan was eating up all the attention yet she stayed close to me . We danced to one song before Greg showed with our drinks . He ushered us over to a table and we sat and visited for a while . Men kept coming up and wanting to dance with Megan . I finally told her to go ahead and have some fun . I had never danced too much while she loved to dance . Greg immediately jumped up and asked Megan for a dance . Megan , after looking at me to be sure it was ok , stood and went off with Greg arm in arm . I watched as they danced and I noticed that Greg would pull her in close from time to time , holding her breasts tightly to his chest . I was also a bit surprised at how comfortable she seemed in Greg 's arms . I was happy that she was having fun and couldn 't wait to get her home tonight . I felt that since Greg was a ladies man he probably would try to put some moves on her that would get her hot to trot and I would benefit because of it . Greg was trying to cop a feel as often as he could and succeeding at it too . I could see Megan was having fun though so I just let it slide . Her smile made her face light up , and I figured that if anyone went too far she would shut them down but quick . I know she had in the past , and I also knew she could handle herself well enough to not piss them off either . Which would be good since she was with my boss at the moment . At a summer party that had been held at a resort in the mountains , Megan had danced a bit with some of the guys and then she toured the place with Greg , Jim and several of my co - workers . Getting back from that tour she had told me she didn 't feel well . I could tell that she didn 't feel well , but she just told me that she was probably just tired and would be all right after she rested a bit . Then at the September party that was in honor of a retiring executive way up the food chain , she had overdone the dancing . She had also gotten drug off on a tour of the complex . When we got home that night , she had crashed in bed after taking a shower . She was so out of it , I didn 't bother her for sex even though I had one hell of a raging hardon . I took care of it by myself , something that I hadn 't had to do for a long time . Tonight Megan was in great spirits and having fun dancing . She danced several dances with Greg , and then she was dancing up a storm with a bunch of my co - workers too . I didn 't see her for quite a while . I was kept busy having small talk with co - workers and clients who were there . When she finally showed back up , she looked almost wild . Her hair was askew and I noticed that her nipples were standing out like two little towers . The way that dress hung on her I was certain that they were the only thing holding it up . She excused herself to go straighten up coming back after a while . Her breath was a bit ragged as she drug me out of my chair to go dance . She also stayed in very close to me , her breasts rubbing my chest as we danced too . Greg walked up to us on the dance floor after Megan and I had our dance . He wanted us to come into the conference room near the back of the main hall . He was looking happy and nodding to various men as we walked there . I noticed that Megan had slipped right under Greg 's arm as we walked along , surprising me a bit . His hand dangled dangerously close to her breasts as they walked too . Once I thought I saw his hand dip into the top of her dress but at the angle I was at it could have just been an optical illusion too . Megan didn 't seem to mind in any case , so I didn 't say anything . Megan came to me as we walked into the conference room . Greg motioned for me to sit at a seat where he was standing . Stepping around in front of me he held out his hand to Megan and pulled her up next to him . His hand was on the small of her back , and I could tell he was rubbing her lightly as they stood there . I was a bit jealous of him for a moment . It passed with his next words . ' Megan , I wanted you to stand by me and look at our next vice - president . Bill is about to be promoted . It comes with a really substantial raise , and a new office near mine . Congratulation 's Bill . You deserve this promotion for sure . ' Megan squealed and jumped up and down . As she did , Greg kept his hand and arm still , and since his hand was just where it crossed her bottom it had the effect of dragging on her dress . So as she moved up and down her dress fell a bit . I almost didn 't see it since I was so shocked by his announcement . I happened to notice because Megan 's nipples just began to show over the top of her dress . After Megan calmed down , Greg sat in his chair and pulled her onto his lap . I was stunned when she let herself be pulled down , and then really stunned when Greg pulled her way up on his lap . Greg then put his hands on her knees and pulled Megan 's legs outside of his , spreading her lewdly and exposing her totally to my view . At some point , Megan 's panties had disappeared tonight ! I was looking at her pussy , and then I noticed that she had white stuff seeping out of her too ! She had also been clean shaven down there too . When she had been dressing , she had a small tuft of hair just above her pussy lips , and now that was gone . Megan began to look uncomfortable now . She had a look in her eyes that was part fear and part sadness . I saw Greg 's hands begin to pull her dress up her hips , then as Megan raised up a bit , Greg pulled her dress up and over her waist . Stunned , I could only watch as Greg removed my wife 's dress totally , making her naked , on his lap . ' Bill . I am giving you the final test for that raise and Vice - presidency . You see , I have sampled Megan here quite a few times and now it is time for you to know about her . You should know that your wife is my hot little slut . She has been helping me with some customers and co - workers for about a year now . Megan , my wife , was looking at me and then began to talk . Her words were laced with a touch of fear . She spoke fast and in a high pitched voice quite unlike her usual speech . ' Bill , don 't get mad at me please . I let Greg use me so that you could move up faster in the company . He told me that he could help your career and even fast track you . He has used me in return for helping you succeed . It isn 't that big of a deal you know . We even talked about this once remember ? Having others in our relationship ? So we get two birds with one stone , we get variety in our sex life and you get a nice fat juicy job with the company . ' ' Having others in our relationship was just talk , and if we were going to do that I would have thought I would be included in that decision too , Megan . What have you done ? Do you realize that you have been cheating on me now ? Why ? How could you do this to me . . . to us ? It appears that the only one that has been having any variety in their sex life has been you . ' Megan looked like she was going to cry for a minute , then slowly , a different look came into her eyes . Looking down I saw Greg 's hands in her crotch , rubbing her bare pussy , two of his fingers deep inside her . Then one of his hands moved up to her breasts and started tweaking her nipples . Megan began to moan . ' You should have seen her just a little bit ago Bill . Jim and a few of the guys worked her over but good . They even shaved her little pussy . Look at her pussy Bill , she has had three cocks in there already tonight and it still looks and feels tight as a virgin . She is one hot to trot babe . ' ' I 'm sorry Bill , but Greg knows how to push all my buttons . Oh baby , I love you , please don 't forget that . I am doing this for you , for us baby . Please don 't get mad . Greg can do so much for us Bill . Ohhh . . . Yessss . . . Oh Greg , I gotta have your huge cock in me . I am so horny right now . ' I was angry and as upset as I had ever been . My boss had just told me that he had been fucking my wife ! My wife who was at this moment , naked in my boss 's lap being pawed by him . She was even begging for his cock . I stood up , ready to punch out Greg 's lights when he stopped what he was doing and with quite a bit of force , pushed Megan off his lap where she landed on the floor . ' You 'll get over it real quick slut . Sit tight while I pound your husband into the floor . You really should sit back down before you get hurt Bill . ' He stood up and smiled a big nasty smile . I could see that he had been ready for my reaction . Megan just sat on the floor , watching . She had tears in her eyes . I could see she was afraid , but of whom I didn 't know . I wasn 't even sure of whose side she was on , if any , at that moment . ' Ok then , the party is really ready to start now . Now before you try to kick my ass , remember that she has been fucking me of her own free will . Also , if you try anything , I will make sure you are fired but not before I get my licks in on your pathetic little ass . I can see to it that you also go to jail . Then , well , I 'm sure that I would be keeping Megan company until you got out . ' As he stood , I realized that what he said was true , Megan was sitting on the floor and not saying anything . Her eyes were on me . Greg was larger than I and I knew that if I started anything I would probably get my ass kicked . Also , I knew I would lose my job too . His comment about jail worried me also . I reigned in my emotions as best I could and sat down , defeated . Stunned and about as hurt as I had ever been . I just didn 't know what I should do for certain . The way Megan was acting , I didn 't know if anything I did would be worth it . Taking Megan 's head in his hands he guided her lips to his erect cock . He had about ten inches of cock , hard as iron . I couldn 't believe it when Megan took his cock between her lips and then just swallowed it fully to it 's base in one fell swoop . Greg kept Megan 's hair in his hand as he began to actually fuck her mouth hard . Her head was flying back and forth on his cock as it went into its base then almost out of her lips on each stroke . I noticed that Megan was trying to look at me as Greg got closer and closer to orgasm . Greg reached down and began to play with her breasts as his cock rammed in and out of her mouth . He pinched her nipples gaining her attention back on him . He then leaned way over and started to rub her pussy , his chest almost trapping her head at his crotch . ' Oh Greg . Give me you 're cum baby . I want to taste you 're sweet juice . You taste so good . Come on , cum down my throat . ' Since Megan had only once swallowed my cum , and after that never again let me cum in her mouth , saying that she really hated the taste of it . I could only watch , when on a deep downstroke , Greg began to shake a bit , his cock pulsing . He came in my Megan 's mouth , deep in her throat and she was swallowing it like it was the nectar of a God . He turned her so that her back was toward me . I think he didn 't want her to look at me too much . As he did , his fingers spread her asscheeks wide open and I could see something white trickling out of that tender tight little brown bud . ' You know that Megan had a lot of fun at the July picnic ? She fucked me and a few of my friends in your room as you were out playing golf . I introduced her to gangbangs that day and she took to them like a duck to water . Then in September she was so hot that she took on a few of our Jamaican clients too . I didn 't even have to order her to . She did it on her own . Amazing wife you have . Amazing slut I have . I especially love to fuck her ass . You know how tight it is . . . oh that 's right , she doesn 't let you have her ass , only my friends and I get that . Poor sucker . ' I was too overwhelmed for words or action at that point . I had discovered in one very short time that my supposed loving wife was nothing but a whore . A corporate whore for my boss . I just sat there weakly , sick to my stomach not able to even walk out in indignation . ' Just tonight , while her pussy still fresh from being shaved , I took her tight little ass . She was screaming for more when I finished too . Just like a good little slut . A few of the other guys were there and they got to fuck her pussy . Kind of a bonus for work well done last week . ' As I watched , Greg had Megan lay back on the conference table . I could see that he was getting another erection . Megan laid there , legs hanging off of each side of the table , her pussy spread wide and running with her juices and the cum of other men . . . ' Greg , I need your cock in my pussy . Please baby , give it to me . Fuck me hard and fast . I want to feel the head of your cock bumping me hard and deep . Fuck me Greg , fuck me ! ' ' See Bill ? Your prim and proper wife loves another man 's cock more than yours . She is a nasty slut for me . She will do anything I tell her to at any time too . I could have her walk naked out into that party just past those doors there , and have her go to the first man she saw , drop to her knees and suck his cock in front of everyone . ' I sat there , believing his words as he stepped back in between Megan 's spread legs . Her hands went to his cock and began to stroke him . He reached out and pinched her nipples ' really hard , and then pulled on them until I thought they would fall off . Megan didn 't even whimper . She closed her eyes and continued to stroke his cock . Her feet came up to the table top , and her knees fell farther outwards , causing her pussy lips to spread . I could see moisture literally running onto the table from her pussy . Her eyes were glazed in a kind of trance like . Megan took his cock in her hands and began to shove it into her pussy . Soon he was fucking her hard and fast . Each stroke into her , I could see her body would raise up a bit . I could imagine that it had to have hurt a bit at that moment . Megan just moaned and begged for more . Greg looked over at me and then got a funny look on his face . It was as if he had just thought of one more thing to torture me with . He had . Pulling out of her pussy he took her knees in each hand and pushed them back . Way back . Her knees were by her head , Her bottom was turned up with that move and I could see her asshole winking open as Greg began to push the head of his cock into that tight little brown bud . ' I think I need to show hubby dear just how much you love my cock slut . I am going to fuck this tight little asshole of yours , then show him your latest trick . Watch close Bill , you are about to learn something about your slut . . . I mean your wife , who is my slut . ' Megan started to whine . Her hands had gone to her pussy where she was rubbing her clit and fingering herself hard . Even as his cock entered her asshole , she kept on masturbating . Megan was begging my boss to fuck her in her ass . His cock was bigger around and quite a bit longer than mine and I hadn 't been able to fuck her in the ass but one time . Now , here she was begging for Greg 's cock in her . As I watched , Greg slowly inserted his whole cock into Megan 's ass . She just looked into his eyes and watched his face . She had just a touch of pain show when he entered her fully but that soon left and she was back in a trance like state again . Megan was hissing those words out at Greg . She wouldn 't look at me anymore , she was staring at Greg as he worked his large cock into her tight asshole . My heart was tearing up as I watched the love of my life begging for another man to fuck her like she hadn 't let me . ' Oh yeah bitch . For a slut your ass is sure tight . I love to fuck your asshole too . Even after those Jamaicans ' got done with your ass that time , it was still really tight . Yes , I love fucking my slut 's asshole . ' Greg began to fuck her ass just as hard as he had been her pussy a minute before . Megan had several orgasm 's as Greg rammed her hard and fast . Just when he began to cum he pulled out and grabbing her head , he slid her around on the table . ' Watch this Bill . Your slut , I mean . . . your wife has learned a new trick . You should try this sometime . I love the way she cleans me off . So , well , slutty you know . ' With that , he took his cock and shoved it into Megan 's mouth . Just after pulling it out of her asshole , here was my boss , shoving his dirty cock into my wife 's mouth . Then , he began to fuck her mouth , driving his cock farther into her until soon his balls were bouncing off of her forehead as he buried himself in her throat . He shot off , buried in her throat , and Megan swallowed it all without losing a drop . Then he pulled out and slapped her face with his softening member . She tried to capture it and take it back into her mouth , whining as she did . ' Mmmm . . . I need more Greg . I need more cock . I want to fuck and suck more cock . I want cock in all my holes . Please , I 'm begging you Greg , give me some more . ' ' Your wish is my command slut . I will get some of the guys outside to come on in and fuck you senseless , whore . You are the best slut I have ever had you know that Megan ? Bill 's wife is my slut . God I love saying that . Bill , your wife is my slut . MY slut . ' ' I don 't know what to say Bill . I do love you so much , but Greg does things to me that I just can 't explain . I . . . I hate him for what he has gotten me to do , I hate him for making me do things for him that I haven 't for you . I love how he makes me feel though . I 'm sorry honey . I really truly am sorry . ' Megan looked away from me . She wouldn 't look at me after that statement . I thought I saw a tear on her cheek but I couldn 't tell for sure . I sat there , heartbroken and worn out . This day had been the worst day in my life so far . I couldn 't take much more . I felt like throwing up as I watched my former prim and proper wife waiting , naked on the conference table having just been fucked in all of her hole by my boss . . . Megan slipped down to the floor , on her knees when the other men came in . Soon she had each hand on a cock and one in her mouth . Hands were on her tits , roughly grabbing and pulling on her nipples as other hands and fingers were playing with her pussy and ass . One of the guys laid back on the floor and the others grabbed Megan and held her up over his erect cock . Slowly they lowered her down on his large member , as he aimed it at her pussy . As soon as she was settled down on him another man stepped up behind her and pushing her forward as his cock into her asshole . Yet another man got to one side of them as they were fucking , and stuck his cock in her face . Greg came to stand by me . He put a hand on my shoulder as I watched these men , my co - workers and some of my clients , fucked my wife or were lining up to have their way with her . I found that I had gotten an erection in spite of my anger and shame . Humiliated , I only could just sit there and watch as my wife had sex in ways that we had not . ' Bill , your wife is the best fucking slut I have ever had . She begged for more the very first time we fucked . I don 't know how you managed to keep up with her for so long . She has worn out upwards of fifteen men at a time before . ' ' Now Bill , she offered herself freely in order to help you succeed . I couldn 't pass her up . She is way too much woman to do that . Look at her . She loves to fuck . ' Greg was still naked and watching the fucking going on . He was stroking his cock as he talked to me and I knew he was going to go back for more from my wife . I could see that she was going to be busy for quite a while now . ' Hey , Bill , you can go get some rest if you want . You look tired . I will make sure that my slut . . . I mean , your wife gets home safe and sound . Tomorrow sometime , maybe in the afternoon . I think she is going to be busy until then for sure . Must be fifteen or twenty men waiting for their shot at her . ' I stumbled to my feet . As I left , I heard Megan begging for another cock to fuck her ass . My heart was thumping , I was sweating , and my wife was fucking like a whore of Babylon . I left the room and blindly walked for the main entrance As I left the party a few of the people who worked for me looked at me with sympathy . I could tell they knew what was happening in that room . Christ , did everyone but me know about Megan all this time ? Reaching the front door , Albert , the doorman for the building came up to me with a package . A small box . Albert had always been the best at getting me to smile every morning . His attitude was one of good things happen to good people . I enjoyed him quite a bit . In his uniform , his dark skin and salt and pepper hair made him look almost regal at times . ' Uh , sir , I understand what you are thinking right now . Some of us knew about Greg and Megan and how he has been using her as the company . . . um . . . well anyway , these might help you in some way . Greg filmed everything . If he finds out that I have given you these he will probably fire me . I got them from his office closet last night . He uses them when the ' conquest ' starts to want out . He is very smooth and good at getting women under his will . Megan in not the first . I respect and admire you Bill . Your department has the most loyal people . Everyone loves working for you because you treat them right , decently . Greg on the other hand . . . well , I will call you if that 's all right . There are some more things you will want to know . ' ' What 's to know Albert ? My wife is a whore for Greg . Greg 's whore . She is right now fucking a group of men in that conference room . She actually thinks that her fucking Greg got me my new position . She evidently doesn 't know about the audit committee or that the big bosses make all of the promotions . Greg has nothing to do with my raises or promotions . She likes what she 's doing in there . I don 't have a wife . I have Greg 's slut . I don 't even have that . She just happens to stay with me for some kind of twisted reason that I can 't understand . I have been betrayed by my wife , my boss , and even some of my other co - workers and clients . ' ' All I ask is that you view the tapes . They are marked with the dates starting with the first time he had Megan . He worked hard for more than seven months after you started to get her in the right place and time to work her over but good . She eventually fell due to his persistence , skill , and probably some drugs . Drugs that would loosen her up and make her want to please him . She never really ever had a chance to keep from fucking Greg , Bill . He has managed to usually get women to do what he wants . Just don 't do anything rash . Some of us want to talk to you about this . ' ' The tapes are dated Bill . They are dated from near the first time . I wish I had come to you sooner . I am sorry for not telling you but I didn 't think you would have believed me and it would have cost me my job too . ' As I turned to walk away , my secretary , Jan came up to me . She had tears running down her face . She hugged me and whispered that she needed to talk to me sometime soon . She had something important to tell me . I got the feeling that she had been where my wife was at the moment . I just nodded through my own tears . I left and went home . Getting there I poured myself a large scotch and sat in the darkness of the living room , the box of tapes at my side . That box of my wife 's treachery and slutiness on film for everyone to see . After a while , I put a tape in . I noticed it was the earliest date of the bunch there . Greg and Megan were talking . Her hair was askew and her face flushed , like she had been drinking too much . She was asking if there was anything she could do to help me succeed at work . Greg told her that I was doing fine but he could help to get me on the fast track for promotions . I could tell that Greg had been working on her already and the way the camera moved time to time , I realized that there was someone else there filming them . I don 't think Megan was aware of this though . She never once looked at the camera or towards it . Also , it was from a weird angle too . Like someone was in a closet or hallway filming from a distance . As I watched it , I saw just how Greg got my wife into this mess . I could see they were in his office . Greg told Megan that he would do what he could but it all depended on how far Megan was willing to go with him . She looked at him , then she asked him what she needed to do . He told her to get undressed . She looked startled for a bit then some weird look came across her eyes and she began to undress . She was reluctantly doing this , but doing it none the less . Soon , Megan was naked and Greg took off his clothes . He was saying something but the camera hadn 't picked it up . After a bit I saw her go down on her knees and begin to suck on him . She was having trouble with it and suddenly he just grabbed the back of her head and forced her to take the full length in one shot . She struggled and choked for a bit then as he talked to her she began to calm down . He held her so her lips were buried in his crotch until she did calm down . She couldn 't pull away since his strength and size gave him far more power over her than she could overcome . Then , when she fully relaxed , he began to stroke in and out as she finally let him fuck her throat like it was a pussy . By the time he was close to cumming she was doing it all by herself and with a relish it seemed . Her hands had come up to encircle his hips and I could have sworn that she was pulling him into her throat . ' Oh , Greg , yes . Fuck me you bastard . Harder . Oh baby , give me that huge cock of yours . Oh , yes . Fuck me ! ' She came about four times before he got close to cumming . Pulling out of her pussy , he lined the head of his cock up with her tight little asshole and in one shove , pulling back on her hips and ignoring her cries of pain , he buried his cock fully into her ass . She tried to get away from him but he held her hips firmly and kept pressing his cock into her until he buried his cock in her . ' Relax slut . If you relax it won 't hurt and you may even learn to love it . It 's going to happen anyway so relax . ' Megan was frozen in position . Her face screwed up in pain . Pretty soon , as Greg held deeply inside her , her features began to relax . Greg was watching her face and as soon as he saw her relax I saw him smile . He had reached down and was rubbing her clit as he held her with his other hand . She was responding to his touch too . I saw her lower lip curl under her upper teeth as she began to loosen up for him . ' God , this feels so good Greg . Fuck my asshole baby , fuck me hard . Oh , I love your cock Greg . Fuck me lover , fuck me . ' As Greg got close to cumming I saw Megan have an orgasm . His fingers were still on her pussy as he rubbed her to an orgasm . Seeing her go off , Greg pulled out of her asshole and turned Megan around and shoved his cock right down her throat . She choked a bit but within four or five strokes into the depths of her throat , she was sucking him like a pro . He came hard and copiously . Cum was running down the corners of her mouth and dripping onto her firm tits . I heard him tell her to clean him up really good and to get all of his cum . Megan looked up into his eyes as she began to lick and suck on his cock and balls . I could see tears drying on her face . Her fingers wiped up the cum that had gotten on her tits and when he pulled out of her mouth she immediately began to suck and lick her fingers clean too . ' Oh God Greg , you were right . I like getting fucked like this . Will you fuck me some more ? I feel so horny . So . . . hot . ' ' Well slut , your husband might come in to talk to me and how will I explain you being here , naked and my cum in your hot little mouth ? Maybe later or tomorrow I will drop by your place and fuck you really good . I will have more time then too . ' ' What kind of woman would fuck her husband 's boss in his office while her hubby is just down the hall slaving away ? A slut that 's who . You are my slut now . If you don 't say it , you will not get this cock again . So . . . whose slut are you ? ' ' YOURS Greg . I am your slut . I will do whatever you want me to . You can have me do anything that you want Greg . I am your slut . ' ' I don 't want to go there Greg . Leave Bill out of this . I love him , even if I have fucked you , I still love my husband . ' ' I am Bill 's wife . I am married to Bill . Why are you doing this ? Isn 't it enough that I have just cheated on my husband again ? ' ' So , Bills ' wife is my slut . My official slut . I think that as my official slut , I will have you fuck some of my co - workers and clients . What do you think of that , slut ? ' He wasn 't listening to her questions . I was stunned when she had said ' cheated on my husband again . ' Did that mean that this was not the first time they had fucked ? I saw that she was talking again . Now he was going to offer her to others too ? ' You will fuck whoever I tell you to then right slut ? Or do I have to go out there and announce to everyone within earshot what we were just doing in here ? If I do , I will drag you out there naked so there is no doubt either . Now , if you don 't want that , if you don 't want your hubby to see you naked and just fucked , what will you do for me slut ? ' ' A good slut . You are a good slut . I am going to love watching you fuck other men for me . One day , I will even watch as you fuck other men in front of your hubby too . Why ? Because you are my slut ! What 's more , once you get used to many men at once , you will come to love it too . ' ' You are my slut . You will fuck whoever and however I tell you to , even if it is in front of your husband 's whole family . Or , I can just walk you out there right now . ' What 's it going to be . . . slut ? ' ' Good . Now , if you can get me up again , I will give you one more taste of my cock in your hungry pussy . Hurry up though , the hubby is right outside working away . ' As I watched , Megan began to lick and suck on Greg 's cock . He even turned around and bent over so she could lick his asshole for a bit too . She had gone totally out of her mind for his cock . My only caveat was the fact that she had told him that she loved me still . That and the fact that he had trapped her into this somehow . Not much , but something . I had hopes that we could work this out . It seemed that she had been forced into this . I would probably have to quit my job , and we would have to move . . . but I could still see a small way to stay with her . She was the love of my life still . I watched several more tapes and soon realized that Megan had learned about the camera man . She would make faces into the camera and lick her lips just like a porn star . She even went down on the camera man as he filmed his blowjob . It seemed that the more Greg had her do , the more she began to love doing it for him . I could tell that she had begun to change at one point when I noticed her eyes had a sparkle in them that wasn 't in the first four or five movies . It was as if she was actually looking forward to fucking other men for Greg . I slept roughly and tossed and turned all night . Megan didn 't get home until late in the afternoon the next day . She got out of Greg 's car with just a large towel wrapped around her . No clothes or shoes , just the towel . Broad daylight , my wife gets out of another man 's car in just a towel . Greg came around and right there in our front yard , he slipped his hands up under the towel and ran them all over her body . Then pulled the towel off of her body . She stood there naked , in our front yard in full view of our neighbors , as Greg felt her up and then sucked on her nipples . Walking into the house she couldn 't look me in the eyes and I couldn 't look at her . I turned and walked away going to the kitchen . I heard the shower turn on and a while later Megan came out , dressed in blue jeans and a blouse . Her hair was wet , and she looked fresh . A person wouldn 't have been able to tell she had spent the night fucking a bunch of men . ' Bill , don 't hate me please . I still love you and want you . I don 't know how this all started . I can 't think straight anymore . Just don 't hate me please . ' " Hate you ? Tell me why I shouldn 't hate you Megan . You have been a slut for my boss for over a year . You have been fucking other men , giving them what you refused me . You have been lying , running around behind my back to fuck Greg . Probably laughing at stupid old Bill , who doesn 't have a clue . Some kind of strange way to show your love for me isn 't it ? ' ' Bill , please , I know this is hard for you to understand , but I love you . I don 't want to lose you . Please . . . please try to understand . At first I did it to help you , then . . . I . . . I don 't know what happened or when , but I grew to like it . Please try to understand . ' ' Understand what Megan ? That you like fucking other men more than your own husband ? That you let Greg and my co - workers and clients ' fuck you in ways you won 't let me ? Understand that my prim and proper wife has become a slut ? Jesus Christ ! Don 't come near me slut . Stay the fuck away . I need space right now after all that I have learned about you and my boss . ' Megan had started to come in close to me , trying to hug me . I stepped back and then put the kitchen table between us . I was so angry I was afraid I would do something really stupid . I was busy trying to calm myself down . The last thing I wanted to do was be close to her because I was wanting to hit her , to hurt her like she had hurt me . Megan had tears flowing now . That just made me angrier . Did she think that her tears now would fix everything ? Tears fix the pain , the shock , the visions of last night in my head ? Or worse yet , make me feel sorry for her acting like a slut ? ' Bill , please . . . I love only you . Greg and the others . . . it has all been just sex . Can 't you see that I still love you ? I only fucked Greg so you would get promoted and rise up in the company . ' ' Megan try to fool someone else . I watched you on tape last night , when you and Greg did it that first time . I heard you discussing with Greg about my position . He told you he could help me rise in the company while he knew that he couldn 't . I know that I told you once how the promotions and raises were handed out . That the audit committee is the only ones who can do those things . Greg can 't , he can only recommend , he can 't even fire me . ' ' Tape 's Megan . Greg has lots of tapes , probably every time he has fucked you or had his buddy 's gangbang you , he has had them recorded . He even has a guy hired just for that purpose . This guy gets to fuck Greg 's sluts too , so he has lots of incentive to get every thing on film . ' ' Megan , don 't lie more now . You did know . You looked into the camera several times in quite a few of the films I have seen so far . You even smiled , opening your mouth to show you eating cum just for the camera several times . I imagine that you have been photographed too . I saw flashes at different times in some of the films . If you want to stay married to me there is going to be a huge change right away . It 's up to you Megan . I am not too sure we will be able to salvage our marriage as it is , but I am still willing to try . ' ' Oh Bill , anything . I will do anything to keep you . I am so sorry about all of this . I never meant to hurt you . I love you so much . ' ' Ok , then first of all , you have to quit fucking around on me and I am going to have to quit my job . Then we will have to move , probably out of town , if not the state . You will have an awful lot of work to do to show me before I will ever be able to trust you again too . Then there is the sex . I will expect the same sex you have given these other men , always , with no argument . Ever . I am your husband after all . I should have been at least getting the sex you gave these other men . ' ' Quit your job ? Move ? Oh Bill , you can 't quit . What will we do ? I did all of this just so you could move up in the company and you want to quit now ? That will just make me a cheap whore . ' ' What are you saying Megan ? That you aren 't a cheap whore ? That you aren 't a slut for Greg ? You can 't surely expect me to stay working for this place still . Not after all my co - workers have fucked you and enjoyed your body , willingly given by you . Get a grip . You have to quit being a slut . I have to quit this job . There is no choice in that matter . ' ' But you can 't quit yet Bill . You don 't have anything lined up . We could starve or get kicked out of our home . You have to have a job first . Besides , I promised Greg that I would be available for him next week . One last thing to do . Then that will be it . NO more fucking others . I will be your faithful and devoted wife from then on . If I don 't work for Greg next week I am afraid of what he may do . ' ' Perhaps you didn 't hear me Megan . You have to stop fucking around NOW . Not next week , NOW . Christ , I can see that you actually love fucking him and those men . Maybe there isn 't a chance for us after all . ' ' Look Bill , I promised Greg that I would go with him to Jamaica , we will be gone only one week , or eight days , then I will be done being his slut . I will be your slut from then on . Yours and only yours . Whatever you want of me from then on . I have to go to Jamaica though Bill . I promised Greg I would and since he has these tapes of me . . . you know he will use them against us if I back out now . Besides , what 's a few more men now ? ' ' Megan , you are not listening to me . You will either quit now and be my wife , or we are done . I happen to know that Greg is taking six of the salesmen with him . You will not go with him if you expect us to stay together . That is final . ' ' Megan , if you go with Greg tomorrow , we are finished . That is my final word . That is the only choice you have at this moment . Me , or them . ' I turned and stomped out . What the hell was she thinking ? Did she really want to stay married to me or was she just using me for a place to spend her time living while she wasn 't fucking Greg and his buddies ? I had figured that if she loved me like she claimed , she would have jumped at the second chance I had just given her and firmly agreed that she was done fucking around . What the hell kind of hold did Greg have on her anyway ? I slept in the spare bedroom that night , with the door locked . I heard Megan try to open the door at one point , then give up . I could also hear her on the phone later . I think she was talking to Greg , but I couldn 't hear the conversation . The next morning , I left for work before Megan got up . I left a note reaffirming my demands that she not go on the trip and quit fucking around immediately . I fully expected that she had enough time to realize that I was serious about this and would stay home and be there waiting for me when I got there . I was at work for about an hour when in walked Megan . Considering it was cold , I was a bit surprised that she was wearing high heels . Her long winter coat reached her ankles so I could not see how she was dressed . My secretary glared at her the whole time Megan waited for me . As I came up to her , I saw Greg walking up to her as well . I knew that she hadn 't come in to see me . Megan turned and forced a smile at Greg as he stepped in and gave her a hot French kiss . His tongue was out before he got to her lips and was still out a few minutes later when they broke apart . I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach . I knew what she was going to do . How they would rub it in my face I was unaware of at the second , but that very quickly changed . Megan undid the buttons on her coat and opening it I saw she was wearing things I had never seen before . She had on a skin tight halter - type bikini top that was just string on the sides and over the shoulders . The cups were so small that all they really covered were her nipples . The red color of it made her skin seem paler than it actually was . It was smaller than a few of her bikini tops I had seen her wear . Her dress , if you could call it that , was a very thin black leather skirt . It was so short and tight , as she turned to hand Greg her coat I could see the curve of each of her ass cheeks . Her crotch could have only been a half an inch from being exposed as she stood straight upright . A small crowd of people from the office had gathered now . Greg had her turn around and raise her arms high over her head . . . This caused her skirt to ride up , revealing that she was wearing red thong lace panties that hardly covered anything . Her nipples popped out of her cups on her top too . Greg stepped in close to her and put his arm around her waist . Looking at me with a triumphant glare , he reached down and pulled Megan 's dress up high over her waist , exposing her lower body . He then tugged on her panties and pulled them down her long shapely legs . Her pussy was clean shaven and wet . As I watched , Greg ran his hand over her pussy and then stuck three fingers into her . His other hand went to her butt and he jammed two fingers into her asshole . He smiled at me as he did this . He fingered her for a bit , her face showing pleasure that he gave her . Her tongue came out and licked her lips as he stroked in and out of her holes . His tongue licked across hers several times and then he kissed her hard . They broke apart and he removed his fingers from her . His hands traveled up her body , and caressed her breast through her top . His fingers worked on her nipples making them hard little buttons . Greg then undid Megan 's top and pulled it off of her . She kept her arms down at her sides , letting her body be exposed fully . Greg stepped back in front of her and sucked on her very erect nipples for a second or two before pulling away . ' Bill , thanks for letting your wife come on this eight - day trip to Jamaica with me and be my slut . . . I am sure she will keep us entertained while we are there too . I think she will sway those clients to do business with us in a big way . All eight of them . They have had a taste of her , now they get her for a few days to play with . Not to worry , I will film everything for you . ' I turned to Megan . The last shot at saving our marriage was here and now . I had to try . I could see she had a doubtful look on her face . It was like she was being brave for Greg or something . ' Megan , don 't go . I want you to stay here with me . Be my wife . Please . Don 't go with Greg . I have already told you what to expect if you leave with him . I meant every word of that . ' ' Oh Bill , come on . I have to go you know that . Besides , those Jamaicans ' have a lot of business that can come your way if I am along to convince them . When I get back , we 'll talk . Then we can make those changes you need me to make . But I am going with Greg . We will straighten this all out when I get back ' Megan gave me a haunted look , then I saw it change ever so slightly . I could see she thought I was being too harsh about this . She evidently thought that she would be able to talk me out of leaving her . Greg had brainwashed her very well it seemed . As Greg took her coat and threw it around her , I could see that her nipples were still hard . She also had her juices running down her legs too . I looked around and saw sympathetic faces looking at me . Humiliated as I was , I stood fast and hard . My mind had been spoken on the matter and I would be gone before Megan got back from Jamaica . ' Oh yeah , before I forget Bill , here is a bonus for you . You 're . . . ' services ' have paid off very handsomely for you . You are lucky to have such a great slu . . . I mean wife who is interested in your well - being at work . Congratulations . ' He handed an envelope to Megan who handed it to me with a smile . She stepped close to me as Greg walked to the front door . She leaned in to kiss me and I stepped back and turned to walk away . She gave me a stricken look then Greg came back in and took her hand pulling her out the door . I will say that her eyes never left mine until they were out of sight . She knew now that I would be as good as my word . I would be gone and the divorce filed for before she got back . I walked the long way down the hall to my new office . The envelope I tossed on my desk as I sat down . I heard a knock and looking up I saw Albert standing there with several of my people . Resigned , I motioned them in . Eight people trailed in after Albert and got situated . I was looking at my secretary Jan , and three other women from the office under my supervision . The others I had seen around , but they were under other people 's supervision so I didn 't really know them well . ' As you all know , my wife has become Greg 's . . . slut . They just left for Jamaica , and they are going to be there for eight days as far as I know . I plan on quitting today . At least I am turning in my resignation today . You have all seen my wife with Greg and how she has acted , so as you can guess , I will also be filing for a divorce too . What else is there to talk about ? ' ' Don 't act too hastily Bill . You can save your marriage and get even with Greg with our help . That is , if you want to save your marriage with Megan now . You have a power over Greg now though . Your promotion was given to you because of your hard work and also because you saved those contracts that Greg had mishandled to the point of losing . ' ' Why would I want to work for the company that hired that son of a bitch in the first place ? How could I face everyone here knowing that they had either fucked my wife or seen her being fucked or even just knew about what has gone on ? This morning I was very sure that I had a small chance of saving my marriage . Right now I am very sure that it is over between Megan and I . She went with that bastard even after I asked her in front of everyone here to not go . Do you have any idea how humiliating that was ? To beg your wife to stay with you as she lets another man , not her husband , feel her naked body , finger her , and then take her away ? Hell , she even argued with me about this trip too . ' I was overwhelmed with emotion and tears began to fall down my cheeks . I didn 't care . These people knew what had been done to me by my wife and supervisor . They knew my pain . I put my hands over my face and tried to get control back . I was unsuccessful . I felt someone at my shoulder . Looking around I saw it was my secretary on one side of me and Albert on the other . He had a hand on my shoulder and my secretary was holding some Kleenex out to me . Taking some tissue from her I began to dry my eyes and wipe my nose . I felt so small and alone . Even though they were here to help me in my time of need , I really didn 't know them well enough to understand why they would care . ' Bill . I was in Megan 's position just two years ago . After you started here , he left me alone and concentrated on her . I . . . he . . . he used me like her . He has used her far more than he did me , but I did have . . . s - s - s - ex with some clients for him . I . . . oh God , I am so sorry Bill . ' Jan was crying now too . I could see pain in her eyes having to relive what had happened to her . I knew she was divorced from her husband and that it had happened just before I came to work here . She was a good - looking woman and her red hair shined like fire . I had even teased her about that once . I had never known her history nor what my wife was doing with Greg at that time either . I held the tissue box back up to her . She gave me a small smile as she took some tissue too . ' He used drugs and alcohol to suck me into his plot and then when I realized what was about to happen and decided to fight him , he pulled out the movies and the threats began . He even threatened to have something bad happen to my husband at one point . Then you and Megan came . ' ' Bill , those tapes I gave you , there is one I didn 't give you . It was the first time , about two days before that other one . It shows how Greg pushed and lies to Megan , causing her to succumb to his deceit . If you watch it you will see that if you take it to the audit committee , Greg will be fired immediately . Trust me on this . It will be hard for you to let anyone else watch but it will get the results to stop this bastard cold . It is the same technique that he has used on every woman he has done this to . ' ' What 's the use Albert ? He has ruined my life , my marriage , my love . What could be possibly a good enough payback for me now ? He has taken the love of my life away from me and used her like a whore , to the point that she thinks and believes in her heart that is what she is . It 's over , done . ' ' It 's not just you Bill . It 's me , Jan , Betty , Julia , and these others here too . Many more than are here . He has used over twenty women in this way , each progressively harder and nastier than the one before . If we don 't stop him , what about the next one ? The one after Megan ? You need to do this Bill and you are the only one who can . They will have to listen to you , and they will since they already think a lot about you . You have it within your power to take Greg down and down hard . It will help to make up what he has done to so many others too . Even me . He . . . my wife . . . she . . . killed herself when I found out . She was so ashamed of what she had done she . . . I came home and . . . too late they said . She had taken a whole bottle of one drug and most of another . I found her laying there . . . PLEASE Bill , if not for you , for us ? For me ? ' Albert was having a hard time speaking . I realized at that moment that his wife had killed herself over Greg and his predatory ways . I could see the pain in his eyes as he tried to tell me about his wife . ' Oh Albert , I am so sorry . I never knew . How could you continue to work here after that ? Knowing why she did that and that Greg was responsible for that ? How ? ' ' Bill , I had to . I had a need to see justice done . He got her drunk at a Christmas party . Even though she was married , even though she was black , even though she was older than him by quite a few years , he got her drunk and took her in the conference room . He used her . . . completely and then left her laying there as he went back out to the party . She had that guilt for over a month then she discovered she was . . . pregnant . She told me what had happened . . . we fought . . . that morning I came to work after telling her that she had to get an abortion . She refused . I . . . she . . . when I got home . . . it didn 't matter after that . Nothing mattered . Except that I would get back at him somehow , someway . ' Albert had salt and pepper gray hair . I figured he was in his late fifties so his wife must have been in her early fifties about that time . He could see me thinking about this . He looked at the others in the office then back at me . ' She was forty - six the day she . . . left me . Her birthday had been two days before . She refused to get an abortion because she didn 't think it was the right thing to do . She couldn 't even do it when he had more or less raped her . I wish that she had told me that night or the next day . We could have changed things maybe . Please Bill , if not for Megan , will you help me ? We can get that bastard . ' One by one each told me their story . Only one couple was still together , the others had gotten divorced . I was told about others and some of what they knew had happened to them too . Greg had been abusing his power and using almost everyone under him . He had even gotten a few of the partner 's wives too . They had either divorced or quietly split up . Why Greg hadn 't been taken to task at that time was beyond me . It was on film , him making drinks for her , and several times his motions didn 't fit just pouring a drink . Also , Megan had begun to act strange . Her speech slurred just a bit , and she began to talk openly about things that I knew she wouldn 't have with someone other than me or a very close friend . The conclusion of the movie showed Greg and Megan fucking . Only fucking that time . She had gotten into it toward the end , but it was surely due to the drinks . One could see that her resistance was muddled like she couldn 't understand what was happening to her . I decided that I would present everything the next morning . I made arrangements to meet with the president of the company . A matter of extreme importance , and he was curious . I told him nothing except that it was not going to be good news . After everyone left my office , the day was pretty well shot . I picked up my bonus check and opened it up . It had been signed by the very man I was to meet tomorrow . Fifty - thousand dollars . A huge check . I thought of how sweet it would have been to take that home to show Megan . How excited and happy she would have been , before all of this . The note enclosed with it said that I had deserved this check and much more . I was a valuable and talented person for the company . I wondered how much of that would hold true after tomorrow ? I left early , went home and sat in our livingroom . My thoughts on my wife and what she was doing right then . How I was going to miss hearing her voice , having her close to me . I cried and cried . Like a baby . I truly did love her . I think I was still in love with her even though she had betrayed me like she had , with so many men . I watched the rest of the movies Albert had given me . More of my wife having sex with other men . In one of them I recognized some of the black men as the Jamaicans 's that were clients of the firm 's . They all had her several times over . They seemed to really like the fact that she was a white married chick too . I saw that there had been several messages left on our phone . I ignored them since I was sure they would be from Megan . I was sure that even though I loved her still , with her actions of this morning , we were done . If only she hadn 't left with that bastard . If only she had shown any thought for me , any action of love or understanding toward me . The next morning I showered and then headed in for work . I had unhooked the phone during the night . It had kept ringing and ringing . I didn 't want to talk to anyone , especially Megan . She had made her choice . She had humiliated me with her last defiant act in the office the day before . She had made her choice , and it had not been me . |
I have been itching to write on here for awhile and i just have not had the time . We are back in our house and it is wonderful . We have so much more room and the house is just beautiful inside and out and makes me feel so settled . I think Jagger feels more settled also because he has been a bit more relaxed . Eric moved the rest of the stuff from Destin last weekend and then he went back and worked until Wednesday night . He left around 1 : 00 pm and got back here around 11 : 00 . Traffic was a bitch , but we knew that . I felt bad for him though because he had only slept for about 2 hours Tuesday night . I have pretty much been unpacking and settling in . I swear I live at Target . I 'm not kidding . I am there at least once a day if not more . They have some gorgeous wicker trunks and stools for storage . We had the three piece wicker set from Bed , Bath , And Beyond and it was a lot lighter . The Target ones are much more sturdy and also bigger . All of Jagger 's toys fit in the three baskets and now they all fit into the one wicker trunk . I usually would not buy wicker from Target or Walmart because I don 't like the quality and I know it doesn 't have the durability that we need , but the two we got are just gorgeous . They are very strong and sturdy and just perfect . We got a few new lamps and a new set of gorgeous white towels for the master bathroom . I know Eric is so glad to have his shower spa back I have been looking for wall decoration and decided to buy some art off of Ebay . I am a big Van Gogh fan so I was looking for my favorite Van Gogh paintings and a few others . Here is what we won so far and then there is one we are bidding on . We are bidding on this one - Secret Emotions . So far we are the highst bidder and I hope it stays that way . I love art and I have to stop myself from buying it because I am going crazy . A friend of mine ordered a painting from the artist who reproduced the top four and it was amazing . I decided to take a look at her stuff and I cannot believe the prices . She has hundreds of paintings listed and because she has so many , she has them start at a penny . If no one bids on them , than you get them for a penny . I didn 't believe my friend , but it 's true . The painting he got from her was absolutely gorgeous and I couldn 't believe the price he paid for it . I can 't wait for them to get here and I can go get them stretched and hung . I also got something that I have been salivating over for a long time . Ours died awhile ago , but Eric insisted it was fine until it sets the smoke alarm off in the apartment due to the burning smell . Here it is : HEAVEN . I never , ever thought I would be so excited about a house cleaning product . Ever since my mom got hers , I have been so excited to vacuum her house . I just love it . On to things about Jagger . I have gotten a few e - mails from people asking how he is . He is doing good . He was supposed to have his EEG at the end of December . The doctor was not comfortable waiting that long so he bumped someone who was just an annual EEG and got Jagger in last Monday . He did great . We had to keep him up until midnight Sunday night and then wake him up at 5 : 00 am . He couldn 't eat or drink until after the test which was at 8 : 00 . It was in Orlando so it was an hour away and we were really concerned how we were going to keep him up for that hour . He was so tired . We put The Cat in The Hat on for the ride and he had his moments , but for the most part he was fine . He did keep asking for a drink and it was so hard telling him no . When we got there , the tech gave him the sedative and he screamed and arched until the sedative started to kick in . he wanted nothing to do with me , but he did want my mom . She held him and sang to him quietly in the dark room until he fell asleep . We laid him down and the tech started her test . At the end , she did say that she saw something , but was not sure if it was seizure activity or if it was something that happens when people get into the deep sleep period . She said that the doctor needed to read it because she couldn 't actually tell us what it was . She had already told us more than she was supposed to . She said her gut was telling her that it wasn 't seizure activity , but she couldn 't be positive . We are still on the anti - seizure medication . It does make Jagger a little more sleepier through out the day , but he is still totally active . He will play for awhile and then stop and get his blanket Jagger has an interview for an OT evaluation on Wednesday . He has to have a 25 % delay in any area to qualify . We know he has that much in expressive speech , but not sure about everything else . The therapist on the phone told me from the answers I gave the nurse , that it looks like he does qualify in a few areas , but she needs to sit with me for an hour and go over a more in depth questionnaire . OK , I need to go straighten up and mop the floor because the house is being shown this afternoon . Eric had posted his resume on the internet awhile back just to see what kind of response he would get . He has gotten a bunch , but none that really interested us . Last Monday he got a call from a recruiter for a job in Orlando . He interviewed for it on Tuesday and by Wednesday it was his . So , Thursday I cleaned the apartment out . We had about 12 40 lb . garbage bags to go to Salvation Army and about 9 40 lb . garbage bags of things I just wanted to throw out . There was barely anything left when I was done . That felt good though . Nice , clean , and fresh . We left Friday to go to Gator Growl in Gainesville . It is the University Of Florida 's Homecoming . My brother in law goes to school there and he said that Dane Cook was the comedienne this year . Of course , he didn 't disappoint . I had already heard every part of his stand - up , but it is always just as funny as the first time I heard it . Jagger did OK over the weekend . Friday night was a little rough . He woke up around 1 : 00 am and cried until Eric 's mom came into our room at 3 : 00 and said she would take over and that we should sleep . We were so happy to oblige . She got my FIL up and they took Jag for a ride and then to Perkins for some milk and a cookie . Apparently the Perkins idea was not so good . He did not want the waiter near him or looking at him and would freak if he came close . When they came back ( I have no idea what time it was as I was blissfully sleeping so deeply next to my great big handsome husband with the knowledge that I did not have to get up with Jagger for the rest of the night and the morning ) . I slept until noon . It was amazing . We took Jagger to the park in the afternoon on Sat . with his cousins Brandin and Bradley . Jag was not interested as normal . He kept wondering off pretty far away from us ( the park was fenced in ) every now and then for some alone time . We wanted him to feel like he could re - collect himself if he needed to without being bothered . We just sat and watched him . It was great because he was in no danger and we could sit and relax anToday at Dr . Davis 's office was good and of course difficult . He was so sweet and understanding . He talked softly and listened to every word I said . He never blew me off or blew off anything I was saying which happens many times with doctors . I had him watch a video on my cell phone of Jagger a few months back and showed him how much he seems to have regressed in this little amount of time . We talk about a lot of the things that he does that are are odd and we talked about my labor and delivery . The lack of oxygen Jagger experienced could have a lot to do with this . We decided to get an MRI asap , EEG in December , some blood work , and Jagger was started on an anti - seizure medication called Zonegran . I am so not thrilled with the medication , but of course we will do it right now until we find an answer . The only thing I didn 't like today about Dr . Davis was that he wants to see if the medication also affects Jaggers behaviors positively . I told him I was not interested in medicating his behavior , but instead would prefer to go through OT and BT for it . He asked me just to see what happens while we are waiting for the test results . That is OK because he has to be on it anyway . The major down side for me is the way he is going to be on it . It is a sedative so he is going to be clumsy and slow . He won 't be boisterous and running around . I won 't be able to handle it if I see him looking like he is completely drugged up and lethargic like a patient in a mental hospital . If I see that , I will call Dr . Davis and request a drug change . I am sure the tantrums will be less and he will sleep more , but at what price ? I am just nervous about it . I called Dr . O ' Hern on my way home and we talked about the appointment . I shared with him that I wasn 't feeling comfortable waiting two months to see Dr . Davis again to get a diagnosis for a possible PDD . I explained how Jagger seems to be fading fast and I don 't want to wait and then start later on OT and have to start more behind then we already are . If we can start now before he regrThe past three nights he has fallen asleep on the couch around 7 : 00 which is amazing . The child who fights for hours when he has to go to bed has been on his own going to sleep . He has never ever once done that . OK , I take it back , he did it once a few weeks ago . In the midst of all of this , I look at my son and I thank God for giving him to Eric and I . I thank Him for allowing him to be born into our family . A family who can provide for him the tools , support , love , and patience that he needs . It is so hard and I am really struggling daily , but my love for him is stronger today than it was yesterday . I don 't want to leave his side for a minute . I don 't want to go see any friends because he needs me . I don 't want to go have some time to myself because I can 't even think of what I would feel like if something were to happen to him and I wasn 't here . He needs me and I need him . He is the biggest joy in my life and he is causing me to become a better mother , wife , and general person because of the trials that we are going through . My patience has grown so much and I have realized how strong I am . Even if I have to do the same thing 25 times in a row to show him how to do something , I am able to do it without being frustrated . I don 't know if I would have been able to be able to do that months ago . I can handle these meltdowns with such a different attitude now . I don 't understand them , but I am much more calm than I used to be . I am turning more and more into the mother that I want to be . I am so far from that goal because , of course , it will never be reashed , but I am making big strides toward it daily . I am not at all perfect and make mistakes all day long , but I have come a long way in such a short time . He brings so much happiness into my life and I couldn 't imagine it any other way . I had a lot of work to do today and I mean a lot . Jagger was in the living room and I was in the kitchen . All of the doors were closed except his bedroom so I knew that he would be fine . Well , apparently he knows how to open doors now . I noticed after about a couple of minutes that I hadn 't heard a shriek in awhile . Then I noticed out bedroom door was open so I figured Jagger had climbed up on the bed and was laying there . He will do that sometimes when he gets over stimulated . It 's cool in there , the bed is so so comfy , and it 's quiet . He can get away and re - set . So , when he wasn 't on the bed I started to panic . Then I heard him saying , " oooh , oooh , oooh " over and over and it was coming from our bathroom . I opened the door and he pointed at the toilet and then his mouth showing me he ate the evil crayon that had possesed his hand and forced him to draw on the toilet . I just starting laughing . No matter how hard Jagger is right now , these little things just squeeze my heart . I am sure if Jagger was a normal child , I would probably be upset at him , but I can 't be . He is too funny . Outside for our daily dose of sun . Tippy toes today . He hasn 't been doing that in a while , but it seems like that is coming back . His sensory stuff is really going nuts right now , so I 'm not surprised we are back on the toes . It was just gorgeous today ! Something super exciting has happened , but I can 't say what it is . I know some family members read my blog and I want this to be a big surprise . I will say that we are not pregnant so don 't get excited about that . We decided to take a break . Anyway , everyone will find out on Sunday what is up . I said I would talk about last weekend and I just have not yet because I have been super busy with the muffin head . Last weekend we had a rough night where Jagger was up almost all night literally having one of the biggest meltdowns ever . Eric and I tag teamed though so it wasn 't horrible . Eric The Great let me sleep in on Saturday . I heard him on the phone around 9 : 45 and got up . His boss wanted to meet us for lunch at the Hard Rock right down the street at The Commons . We go there twice a week because Jagger loves all the stuff on the walls and the servers . The servers love him also because he LOVES to dance and he looks hilarious when he does it . We always go when the old people go . In between lunch and dinner and it isn 't busy . Sat . it was packed like crazy , but we didn 't even think about it bothering him . We could tell he was a little anxious when we walked in , but we assumed that he would relax once he got his drink and sat down . We sat at the table and greeted Randy and Jagger freaked . He leaned over the side of his high chair , got as stiff as he could , and screamed long scream on the top of his lungs . I ended up taking him outside to get in the sun and relax a bit . When his food came , we went back in and sat . He did the same thing again . I ended up taking one of the tall menus and opening it up and putting it around him on the table so he would have a barrier in between us and him . That worked . That made me sad because it was a new thing and has seemed like some things are getting worse . I got him up and we walked over to the playground . He was running and playing and having a grand ol ' time . . . until . Until this little girl wanted to play with him . She touched his shirt and he bent over from his waist , stiffened up , and screamed . When she stopped touching him , he looked at me . I reassured him that everything was safe and ok . So he continued playing . Well , the little girl wasn 't done yet . She kept trying to get him to look at her . She got in front of him and he turned his body . She then turned the way he diI have been signing with him non - stop . My major in college was Sign Language and I remember almost all of it . The speech therapist said that is one of the things they would do in therapy and it would help with his speech development . So , 60 hours + a week helps a lot more than 5 hours a week . Thank God that was my major . I need to go get ready . We have a lot to do . We had a rough , rough , rough weekend and this morning looks like it is going to be the same kind of day . I will post later about our weekend because Jagger has his speech evaluation in a few hours and I need to shower and straighten this house up before she gets here . Thank God it is in our house and not a doctor 's office . He would freak . More later . I want to thank everyone for their kind and encouraging words . It warms my heart and makes me feel like I am not alone . Thank you to my friends who called yesterday to let me know that you are here for me . I love you . I had given Paul permission to discuss Jagger and his issues with a woman who lives in the area and has a son with mild autism ( which if we get the diagnosis of autism it will be mild most likely ) and Paul told me she would call me . She called me last night around 8 : 30 to talk . She has twins who are 3 . One boy and one girl . Her daughter is completely normal and her son is mildly autistic . She started to talk to me about what her son used to do around Jagger 's age . Everything she said about her son , could be applied to Jagger . Well , almost everything . Jagger has a some words . Two to be exact . One word that sounds exactly like it should be said and that word is " apple . " It 's a new thing . He is constantly asking for an apple . His other word that kinda sounds like it should is the word " go . " He says " Ago " for go . He has his own words for bath , drink , Dad , Daisy ( our dog ) and he signs " thank you " , " more , " and " please . " Everything else is screeching or screaming . He used to say other words , but he won 't say them anymore . I know a symptom of autism is dropping language and words that he used to say , but I believe autistic children won 't pick up new words . I 'm not sure about that though . She asked me if Jagger did any stimming . I had been reading about it , but not quite sure what it was exactly and if any of Jagger 's behaviors fell under that category . They do . Jagger stims by running over and over into the couch . He also opens and closes doors and cabinets over and over and over . He stomps on the pavement with one foot a few times then will take a step and do it again and repeat . A big one is flicking his fingers . He gets his blanket and folds his fingers in it a certain way and then flicks them out . He does it all the time . Constantly when he has his blankie . We are taking it slow . We called Shands Hospital in Gainesville yesterday to see about getting everything done there . They have a really good program . I am wondering now though if we should just go there for a second opinion . We will get all the tests here and then get a second opinion from the evaluation team and the pediatric neurologist at Shands . I spoke with our friend who also is Jagger 's pediatrician on the east coast of the state . He says that saying the " A - word " is like saying the " C - word " meaning cancer . We talked about what he thinks his diagnosis probably will be . That was a hard one for him . I know he didn 't want to say anything and probably would not have told me until all the info was back , but because we are friends I think he was trying to downplay it but also try to prepare me . He says it sounds more like Jagger has Asperger 's syndrome : " Asperger 's Disorder is a milder variant of Autistic Disorder . Both Asperger 's Disorder and Autistic Disorder are in fact subgroups of a larger diagnostic category . This larger category is called either Autistic Spectrum Disorders , mostly in European countries , or Pervasive Developmental Disorders ( " PDD " ) , in the United States . In Asperger 's Disorder , affected individuals are characterized by social isolation and eccentric behavior in childhood . There are impairments in two - sided social interaction and non - verbal communication . Though grammatical , their speech is peculiar due to abnormalities of inflection and a repetitive pattern . Clumsiness is prominent both in their articulation and gross motor behavior . They usually have a circumscribed area of interest which usually leaves no space for more age appropriate , common interests . Some examples are cars , trains , French Literature , door knobs , hinges , cappuccino , meteorology , astronomy or history . The name " Asperger " comes from Hans Asperger , an Austrian physician who first described the syndrome in 1944 . An excellent translation of Dr . Asperger 's original paper is provided by Dr . Uta Frith in her Autism and Asperger Syndrome . " Because Jagger has had words and lost them , but learned new words and again lost those , then learned ones , he is a candidate . I have been reading like crazy about everything . I went to Barnes and Noble and got every book on autism in toddler , Asperger 's , and PDD , and developmental delays . Jagger doesn 't have any developmental delays except for his speech . He does , however , have many , many symptoms of Autism , Asperger 's , and PDD . I honestly think we will get an Asperger 's or PDD diagnosis . That is what we are hoping for , but we will see . It sucks here in the panhandle though . There aren 't many resources here so we have to wait until we can be seen . Arg . It sucks . On the bright side , apparently there is a lot of work in Orlando coming up . Because Bush got re - elected the military contract work that was out on hold because they didn 't know who was going to win , is no on the go ahead . It would be an answer to prayer if we got to go home . I don 't mind being in Destin . I actually enjoy it , but I can 't stand being in an apartment . We can 't move into a house here until we sell our home on the east coast . If we go home , we have a home plus the resources for Autism , Asperger 's , PDD are enormous . There are tons and tons . I just can 't believe it . I am at peace with it though . I firmly believe there is a reason for everything so I am just waiting it out . Jagger is screaming and tantruming for no reason right now . There is nothing I can do except take him into a dark , cool room . So , that is where we are . If I hold him , he arches his back and fights to get out of my arms . He has super strength and I can 't hold him . If I put him on the floor , it is just as bad . He just has to do it . From what I have learned , as long as I am in the room , it 's OK . It isn 't a discipline thing , it 's a disorder . I have also learned that many , many people believe Autism is a result of bad parenting . What ? I never even knew that . I guess I can see why . It probably come down to the tantrums . You can 't stop them and if you give them what they want ( the reason it probably started ) they don 't stop like a normal tantruming child . So , in public , you look like a bad parent . Especially to the degree the tantrums are . They are dangerous in public also . Jagger has slammed his head into metal poles and fallen straight back onto the cement and hit his head . A lot . In a normal tantrum , the child will throw themselves down , but will make sure they don 't get hurt ( usually ) . With ASP ( autistic spectrum disorder ) the tantruming child usually does not look when they throw themselves down because they aren 't thinking clearly . They can 't have a meltdown and try not to get hurt . It is too much for them . In a normal tantrum child , w | Had a rough one today . I woke up with Jagger at 3 : 30 and got up with him at 4 : 15 . We sat on the couch and guess what I did ? Yup , I popped in a movie . Garfield . He loves Garfield . The Cat in The Hat with Mike Meyers also . I laid him down around 8 : 15 and he finally fell asleep after an enormous fight around 9 : 00 . He woke up at 10 : 00 . I was so upset . I figured because he was up so early , he would have slept longer . I changed his appointment from 10 : 00 to 2 : 45 . When he got up , we went to Old Navy and did some shopping . We came home and Eric had come home . He took over so I could rest . I laid down for about an hour , but I couldn 't sleep . I was so nervous about Jagger 's doctor 's appointment . I was so afraid the doctor was going to tell me that I was crazy and that Jagger was totally normal . We left for the appointment at 1 : 15 . Because of Hurricane Ivan , Oskaloosa Island is in bad shape . So , it takes forever to get over the bridge into Ft . Walton Beach . We got to the doctor 's office around 2 : 00 . Jagger fell asleep 20 minutes away from the office . I can 't remember the last time he fell asleep in the car . Even when we take trips over night , he will usually only sleep an hour and is up the rest of the time . We got there and signed in . I was called to go over our insurance with the billing department . Jagger was screaming the whole time . I was staying calm though and not at all upset or even worried about it . In order for me to stay in control , I pretend that it is not happening . I talk to him and stay calm and pretend he is being normal ( which he is , because , he is a toddler and they freak out ) . After about 20 minutes of figuring out the insurance , we went into the waiting room . Guess who threw a tantrum the WHOLE TIME WE WERE IN THE WAITING ROOM ? Not me . We walked , we looked at pictures , we got drinks out of the water fountain , and anything else you can think of . There was nothing I could do to soothe him and everything we looked at was not distracting him at all . We were finally called back . Jagger refused to get on the scale . So , I got on and then got on with him . He weighs 33 lbs . and is 36 inches tall . He is a big boy . The nurse brings us into the room and asks me to put him on the table . I knew it was going to get worse . The screaming was already bad . She started to measure his head and he acted like she was ripping his skull off . Then we measured him and I picked him up as soon as I could . She asked why we were there and I told her about the sensory questions , his cough , and his dermatitis . She left the room and I could not settle him . He just screamed and writhed in my arms , on the table , in the chair . I didn 't know what to do . I asked him if he wanted some water and he stopped crying . I gave him a dixie cup of water and then three or four more . He drank some of it and poured the rest on the table . I did not care . He was happy and he was slowly stopping his shaking . He started screaming again . I asked him if he wanted to play with some water . He shook his head yes ( a new thing and it is wonderful ) . I put him on the edge of the sink and put his feet in . I turned the cold water on and gave him a dixie cup . He just poured water on his feet and legs over and over and over and over . . . . Paul came in and introduced himself . He asked me a few questions and why we were in the office for a visit . He saw Jagger in the water and asked about it . I told him that , at times , cold water soothes him . He looked confused . I explained how he likes his baths to be freezing cold and many times he asks for ice in the tub . He won 't really play with the ice . He will play with his toys and acknowledge the ice , but not really play with it . That is where we started . He was concerned about that . He saw Jagger pushing me away and not wanting me to look at him . He wrote that down . I told him how he likes to bang his head at times , likes to wear a bucket on his head and run into things for more than just a few times or minutes , how he runs into the couch as hard as he can over and over , how he tip tHe is concerned . He mentioned a pediatric neurologist just as I was mentioning one . We said the name at the same time . I feel like God put us together . This PN is in Pensacola and it so happens that the two of them had worked together for over a year and are very good friends . So , here is what we are doing right now : 5 . A gazillion labs that he is going to be sedated for ( They will probably do them when they do his MRI . Because he can 't handle the doctor even touching his arm or leg or anything , they want to knock him out so he isn 't traumatized . Fine by me . It will be hard to see him like that , but I would rather see him knocked out than freaking out and terrified and shaking ) I was ok when we were talking about all of this . I was about to cry because finally , I had some answers . I had all of these recommendations , but at last , someone put us on the path to finding out what is going on . It felt great . We left and I got in the suv and burst into tears . I was so relieved and so scared at the same time . I wanted to call Eric , but I knew he was sleeping because he had to work super late . I would be home in 45 minutes anyway and would talk to him then . I called my mom . She has kind of questioned some things with Jagger , but for the most part encourages us that he is probably just quirky . I think she just wanted us to not let our minds run wild until we knew an answer . I wrote about it a lot here , but didn 't talk about it too much because I didn 't want it to be a central point in our life . There was nothing we could do until he was seen today , so we just pretended that life was normal . Eric and I talked about it when I was looking for some answers to if Jagger was a " normal " child and we would bring it up here and there when Jagger would do something totally off the wall . So , I am feeling a lot of emotions . I am trying not to think ahead and think of the worst , but it is hard . In the appointment today , Paul said that there was absolutely something going on . Jagger is not what is considered normal . He said that he is more normal than abnormal . We know that . He laughs and plays and runs around . He acts completely normal most of the time . He just also does some very odd things . I think in my search to find some answers , I never let myself think about what I would feel like after I got the confirmation that there was something wrong . Now that we are here , I am struggling with my feelings . I am crying on and off . I cry and then remind myself that we don 't know anything yet . That at best it is just a developmental delay or Sensory Integration Dysfunction and that is what we are hoping for . That is fixable . But I am also bracing myself for the diagnosis of Autism or Asperger 's Syndrome . He will be highly functional if he is diagnosed , but what is hard and causing me to be emotional is the label . I don 't want him to go through life with the label of being Autistic . The official diagnosis is Macrocephaly . Paul did not want to put in the diagnosis as " rule out Autism " because he said that it would follow Jagger forever through school . Even if it isn 't the diagnosis , the fact that it was an option is a stigma . We have called Jagger " Heed " ( " Head " said with an Scottish accent ) ( " So I Married an Ax murderer " , Mike Meyer 's younger brother with the gargantuan cranium ) since he was born because his head is huge . It 's like a bowling ball on his shoulders . Eric and I always wonder how his lack of a neck can support that head . The doctors have always kept an eye on his head . Thank God we can use that as a diagnosis instead of the " rule out Autism " one . I love this kid so much that to think of him struggling through life just breaks me . More pics . We took Jagger to the base on Friday for trick or treating and then games . He went to all the offices and got candy from everyone . I wasn 't allowed to take pictures though because the building was classified . It was a bummer . I did get to take some outside with him jumping in the moonwalk forever . That was hilarious . We took him last night to The Commons to trick or treat . All the stores were giving out candy and there were a gazillion kids . Jagger had fun until this one dad who was dressed up really creepy looked at him and growled . I wanted to punch that dad in the face . Seriously . The mama bear in me came out . It 's amazing how that happens . Jagger was terrified . Eric picked him up to let him know it was ok and Jagger was shaking . He kept saying his word for " go " over and over again . We left and went to Outback for dinner . As we were walking in Jagger got close to the front door . The hostess who works there came rushing to open the front door . I had my hand up as if to say , " don 't openthe door , hold on . " She saw me , but kept going . The door flew open and Jagger was right in front of it . He got nailed . He went flying back and was screaming . Eric was right behind him so he picked him right up and was consoling him . Then he reached out for me . He never does that . He always wants his Daddy when he gets hurt . It made me feel so good . This picture is from The Commons as were leaving . This was right after he got scared . I am telling him that it was ok and that we were leaving and Eric snapped the picture as I was mid - sentence . We came home from Outback and put Jagger to bed . He screamed his lungs out . I just don 't know what to do . I don 't want to let him scream . He was gagging like he was going to puke he was screaming so hard . He would not settle if we were in his room with him . Our only other option was to let him get up . He would have been up until eleven and that is not ok . He needs to go to bed at a sensable time . Eric finally decided to get him up and bring him into our bed to sleep . I was up because it was only 8 : 30 . So Eric and Jagger laid down in our bed to sleep . That way Jagger didn 't have to be alone if he was scared , but he wasn 't allowed to be up and walking around and playing . It sounded like he fell right asleep . I put him back in his crib at 10 : 30 when I went to bed . He woke up at 3 : 00 and Eric went in to him . He couldn 't get him back to sleep . He brought him back in our bed and at 3 : 30 Jagger decided he wanted to get up . We told him no until about 4 : 15 when I realzied there was just no way he was going back to sleep . So , we have been up since then . Fun , fun , fun . We have an appointment in Ft . Walton Beach today with a doctor at 10 : 00 . We are going to talk to him about seeing a pediatric neurologist . There is a guy in Pensacola who is apparently amazing . He has been very highly recommended by a bunch of people . Hopefully we can see him soon . This picture is what I always thought of when I was pregnant . I couldn 't wait to see my husband and our baby sleeping together . I love it . Posted at 07 : 15 AM | Permalink |
Caution : This Romantic Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Consensual , Romantic , Coercion , Cuckold , Wife Watching , Interracial , Oral Sex , Anal Sex , Desc : Romantic Sex Story : Chapter 1 - Aftr a bad childhood he wants to get even with others . His life progresses over five chapters . He does have a change of heart . Could go in many categories . I 'm Jerrod Hadley . I 've grown up in a generation where money talks and bullshit walks . I wanted to find that one special woman out there that wanted me for who I am . I was beginning to believe she didn 't exist . I 've read so many stories about loving couples who are true to each other but all I ever see is the couples that will do anything for a buck . My mother , I believe she was a prostitute , or at least was with a lot of men . I can 't say for sure except for the rumors I grew up with . Needless to say I don 't remember much about my real young days , except my mother putting me in my room because she had company . We , that 's Mom and me , lived in a trailer . I don 't remember any other family or many friends except the ones Mom brought home . All she would do is tell me their name and tell me to go outside and play in the playground , which was in our trailer park . There were a few other women in our trailer park that seemed a lot like Mom . They would come over and drink and I could hear them talk about men and how stupid they were . By the time I was nine I knew this wasn 't a normal life . I got picked on at school by some older kids and got in quite a few fights . I learned to protect myself , and spent time lifting weights and making myself stronger . Whenever I asked about who my father was , Mom would say he didn 't want a family and left us , never marrying Mom . He did however send her money each month to support us . He would send us a thousand dollars a month , Mom said . I never remember meeting him till after Mom became ill . When I turned twelve , Mom got sick . She lay in bed for days and finally I called 911 and they took her to a hospital . She told me we didn 't have any kind of medical coverage and had no way of paying the bill . It was something she didn 't have to worry about , since she died of pneumonia two days later . If she would have gone to the hospital the first day she would have lived . I cried . I was just a kid and had no idea what was going to happen to me . One of Mom 's friends took me in for a few days till after the funeral and people were contacted . A well - dressed man came to the trailer . He said he was my dad . Remembering back , he was one of the men that came by every couple of months to see my mother . His name was Gerald Barker . I had no feelings for him but I could have asked him a thousand questions why he didn 't love Mom and me . He paid for Mom 's funeral and sent me to a boarding school . I rarely saw him after that . I guess I should consider myself lucky that I wasn 't turned over to children 's services , to live in an orphanage or a lot of foster homes . No family wanted a foster kid who was becoming a teenager . At least at the boarding school I did meet a lot of other kids . The problem was most weren 't poor kids like me ; they were from wealthier families who didn 't seem to have time for them . At least they had somewhere to go for holidays and during the summer . As I got older , I checked into my Dad 's background . It seems he was a very rich man . He was married with two other kids . I found out that his wife knew about me but didn 't want the son of one of his whores ( as she put it ) in her house . When I turned seventeen Gerald came to see me . He told me about the decisions he had to make when he found out Mom was pregnant . He sat down and told me the whole story . I guess he figured I was old enough to try and understand . He already had a family but he liked Mom and they had an ongoing affair . When she got pregnant he was going to pay for an abortion but Mom said she was going to have her child . He stopped seeing her after that , but after I was born he would send her a check each month for a thousand dollars . Every now and then he would deliver it in person . He said he had strong feelings for Mom till the day she died . That must have been the times I saw him come over and Mom sent me outside . She never told me he was my father . I guess he probably knew Mom had other men over . I knew something was going on and I was just a kid at the time . He told me that he put some money away for me to attend college . This would be the last time that I would be seeing him . I was emotionless . I never knew him other than he was my sperm donor and paid for my boarding school . Gerald was a millionaire and came from a family of wealthy people . His grandfather and then his father ran a major manufacturing plant in the city . Their business employed thousands of people . No one but a select group of people including his wife knew about Mom and me . I grew up hating most people . I didn 't trust hardly anyone . I did have a best friend , Bill , whom I met when first coming to the boarding school . He was dark skinned and told me he was Hawaiian . He did tell me that his father was black and his mom was Hawaiian . We were like outcasts in the school , but because we both worked out , there weren 't to many guys who would mess with us . A few tried and they paid the price . The girls in our school were pretty much snobs and went with the guys that came from money . I went to college for two years and took business courses . Bill and I decided we would open an exercise and weight lifting business , like a gym . It was really about all we knew how to do . We were squeaking through , just getting by . We had a mobile home where we lived , set up behind the business . We each had our own bedroom and shared the rest . Bill dated a few girls and once in a while brought them to spend the night . He didn 't have any girl he was serious about ; he just played the field . I dated a couple of women but it was all about the sex . Both Bill and I had decent physiques , and we turned a few women on . One woman even asked us if we would like to be male dancers in her review . I had to laugh , I 've never even tried dancing and I sure wasn 't a people person . When I turned twenty - two a briefcase - carrying lawyer showed up at the business . He asked if he could talk with me . We went into the office . " Mr . Hadley , " he began . I had to laugh , no one ever called me Mr . Hadley . He didn 't even smile . " I 'm here representing the estate of Gerald Barker . " " So , why are you here ? I take it you know he was my father in name only . He did see I was put in a boarding school and financed my education . But he was never really a father to me . Still , I 'm sorry he passed away . What did he die from ? " " He had cancer . He knew it when he saw you a few years back . It went into remission but came back . He wasn 't able to fight it off this time . " " You were in his will . Most people didn 't know you existed but when he gave five million dollars each to his children he included you . You have just inherited five million dollars . I need to know what financial institution to send the money to . " " This has to be a joke . Why would he leave me anything . ? I 'm sure his wife and kids aren 't happy about this . This must be a mistake . " " This is no joke and no mistake . He had his will updated just a couple of years ago . He insisted upon leaving you the money , in equal shares with his other children . His wife knew better than to fight it and his kids never knew about you . Believe me , they are all surprised but the will is rock solid . His wife did ask me to tell you to please not contact the family . They have been through enough . " I had no intentions of ever talking to any of them . If they all dropped dead I wouldn 't care . I gave the attorney the name of the bank to forward the money to and signed all his documents . As he left , he told me the money would be forwarded to the bank that afternoon . I wasn 't going to believe it till I went to the bank the next day . Damn ! I was now a millionaire . Bill couldn 't believe it when I told him . As of right now I didn 't have any idea what I was going to do with the money . I wanted to keep it under wraps as long as possible . Once women knew I was wealthy they would come out of the closets to date me . Those are not the women I 'd want to be with . Bill laughed when I told him that people would do anything for money . I could have all the friends and pussy I wanted . Only problem was none of it would be because they liked me ; it was all about the money . As a mentioned earlier , I didn 't have a lot of respect for most people . It might have not been a nice thing to do but I was going to give people money in exchange for using them , like buying gas or toilet paper . I was out to prove my point about anything for a buck . In this case , a thousand bucks . I 'll tell you a few stories about what happens when people are offered money for sex . The first case is about Ray , who attends college and his girlfriend Marie , who works in a fast food restaurant . They 've been together since high school . I knew Ray never cared for me . I was the kid who everyone said had a mom who was a whore . Now I wasn 't a kid anymore and I was built really solid due to my exercising . Most people knew that Bill and I owned an exercise gym . We went to the schools and offered discounts for the students . Most of our business was working with the sports programs in the schools . Later we began to get more adults into the gym . Bill and I sat at a table near the booth where Ray and Marie were sitting . We could hear them arguing but talking low . " Damn it Ray ! You 're supposed to be the man and pay for something . It 's like I 'm keeping you , " we heard Marie say . I looked over at them . " Hi Marie , hey Ray , I have a one time proposition for you . Marie , if you will have sex with me , one time , I 'll give you a thousand dollars . This is a one time offer . " " What the fuck ! " yelled Ray . " I 'm not afraid of you , you know . How could you even say something like that ? She 's my damn girlfriend . I ought to kick your ass . " " Calm down , Ray . " I smiled . " You should be happy that I feel Marie is worth giving a thousand dollars for a couple of hours of sex . All you both have to say is no , and I 'll find someone else . " " That 's the deal and the offer goes away in five minutes . Talk it over with Ray . He can be there and watch if he wants to . Bill will be there but he 's there to watch my back ; some people I don 't trust , " I sneered , as I looked over at Ray . I went to the john and Bill told me later the two of them argued while I was gone . Marie said they could really use the money and it would only be a couple of hours . Finally Ray had given in as long as they split the money . Marie ended up saying since she had to do the work that she would give him three hundred dollars . He tried for four - fifty , but backed off when Marie told him he could get fucked for four - fifty . Marie told me ok when I got back . I told them we could use a local motel room and I 'd rent the room . This wasn 't the best area in town and rooms could be rented by the hour . Ray did say he was going to be there to protect Marie . " We want the money up front , " said Ray . " You better not hurt her in any way . " I knew Ray was trying to be a big shot . There was no way he could handle either Bill or me . We got our room and went inside . I said , " Ok , here 's the rules : Ray , you keep the hell out of the way . I don 't want to hear a sound from you . I 'm giving you three hundred up front . If you can 't be a man and handle it then you can leave at any time . I 'll give Marie the other seven hundred when we are finished . " " Shut the fuck up . " I looked over at Marie . " Marie , I promise not to hurt you in any way . I hope that you actually get something out of it . I should tell you that Bill is going to take a video and it 's for our protection . No one will see it , I promise . It 's to make sure that no one accuses us of any wrongdoing . You still have time to change your mind . So do you want to go through with it ? " Bill put the thousand dollars on the end table so they could both see it . " Jerrod , I won 't kiss you . I know it seems funny but I won 't do that to Ray . This is just for the sex , I can use the money , " replied Marie . I had Marie stand and I slowly unbuttoned her blouse and slipped it off her shoulder . Ray sat in a chair in the corner holding his three hundred dollars . You could tell he wasn 't the happiest person in the room . I undid Marie 's bra and slipped it off . Her bare tits looked beautiful . I had her sit on the bed and began sucking her tits . " I said , have sex with her Ray . We all know what that means . I 'm paying a thousand dollars and hope to enjoy this . If you can 't handle it , then get the hell out of the room . " He was pissed but sat there and watched me suck on his girlfriend 's tits . I knew she didn 't want to show any emotion , but her nipples were getting very hard . I pushed her on her back and continued to suck her nipples as I rubbed her belly . I undid her belt and unbuttoned her jeans with one hand while continuing sucking her breasts . After sliding her zipper down . I reached in for the first time and touched her muff on the outside of her panties . I got a reaction and also found that her panties were wet . I took my fingers out of her jeans and smelled them while looking over at Ray . " God , she smells good . " I stood up and pulled off her jeans , then her panties . With her legs hanging over the side of the bed I buried my face in her very wet pussy . Ray said something but I had my head buried between her thighs and didn 't hear him . I did hear Bill tell him to shut up or he 'd throw him out . I raised Marie 's legs and put them on my shoulders and began to tongue - fuck her . She couldn 't help making noises and began moaning . I could feel her juices flowing . She began to pump her pussy against my face . " Oh shit ! " she yelled out and I felt her have an orgasm . Her juices were hitting my face . Ray just stared at the wall . I stood up and took off my shirt and pants . I pushed her legs back against her chest and began to rub my cock up and down her very wet slit . I must have rubbed it against her a dozen times waiting for her to react . I knew she was into it but didn 't want to show it in front of Ray . Finally she said , " Fuck me , please fuck me I need it . " Ray heard her and stood up and told Bill he would wait outside . It was then that Marie really got into it . I had her get up in the middle of the bed and we fucked till I felt her come again . I had her turn over and fucked her from behind . I felt myself building up and shot one hell of a load into her . She must have come again . When I pulled out of her she sat up and looked at me . I didn 't say a word but she got on her knees and took my somewhat soft cock in her mouth and sucked me for a couple of minutes , cleaning me up . Afterwards she got up and went in the bathroom and cleaned up . We opened the door and Ray came back in . He didn 't say a word . Marie came out of the bathroom fully dressed . Bill handed her the other seven hundred dollars . She smiled at me as she walked out the door behind Ray . Now I wished I wouldn 't have promised myself that I would only fuck these women one time , but still I didn 't want any relationships with any of these women . The next story is about Ben and Beth . They were both eighteen and hung in the park across from the gym . I would watch them kiss and do a little making out a few times a week . Beth 's parents didn 't like Ben . They thought he used drugs , which he did . He worked in a fast food restaurant and Beth just started junior college . Once Beth started college she didn 't have any extra money . She did do drugs a few times with Ben but decided to give it up . Beth was slim with small boobs . Kind of a teeny bopper look . One day I approached them and just talked with them . Ben would go to the park and ride his skateboard and Beth would watch him . I looked over at Ben and asked him if Beth was his girl . He told me they 've been together for a few months . Beth seemed a bit shy . " Don 't get mad , but I have an offer for you . I 'm willing to give you a thousand dollars to have sex with your girl for a couple of hours . It 's a one time offer . " " I 'll tell you what . I 'll be back in a few minutes and you can give me your answer . It is a one time offer and you can be there if you want too . " When I came back I looked directly at Beth . She looked very nervous in her short - shorts and her top tied around her midriff . Why would a guy who had a woman like this let another man fuck her ? I guess I 'm right , that it 's more about money than love . " OK , I 'll do it for Ben . He says he loves me and it 's only sex . You promise not to hurt me ? " asked Beth . " I will give you half now and half when we are finished having sex . " Ben reached in front of her and grabbed the money . He would probably sell his mother if I asked him . What a prick . We went to my trailer behind the gym and Ben already had the video camera set up . Ben said , " No one said anything about taking pictures . No deal ! " " The video is for my protection from little creeps like you who sell their girlfriends and regret it later , then try to claim rape or something . No one sees this tape but have it your way . Give Bill back the five hundred and get the fuck out of here . " During this time Beth kept quiet . One thing I 've learned is that assholes don 't like giving money back . Ben was no exception . He changed his mind quick , and decided the video was ok . I told him he could sit in the corner and watch me fuck his girl or go in the other room and watch TV ; he chose to stay but I told him I didn 't want to hear any lip from him . Tiny Beth stood it front of me and I untied the knot on her blouse and unbuttoned it . She seemed nervous but that would be expected . I slid it off her shoulders . She didn 't wear a bra . Her small but beautiful tits stood out and her nipples were getting hard before I even touched them . I took off my shirt , my six - pack abs showing I worked out regularly . Beth watched as I slid down my shorts , pulling them down along with my briefs . I could smell her sex and hadn 't been near her pussy . She nodded her head , hoping Ben didn 't see it . We were both still standing there as I reached down and gripped her pussy . A finger slipped right into her and she gasped and began breathing hard . I squeezed harder , feeling her pussy pulsate . She was young and hot . I figured Ben just stuck his dick in her . I was going to give her much more . I felt her have a mini climax just from my hand . I smiled as I picked her small frame up and laid her on the bed . " Do you want to suck my cock ? " I asked . Ben yelled out that I didn 't say anything about that . I told him for a thousand dollars I can do whatever I want and for him to shut the fuck up or Bill would throw him out . Again I asked , " Do you want to suck my cock ? " She nodded yes and I moved up to her face . Her little hand reached up and gripped my cock and she slipped the head into her mouth . " She sucks cock good Ben . Damn , her mouth feels hot . " I knew I could rile Ben and he would get mad but keep quiet . She really was good at it . Since I was much bigger than my teeny bopper I lay on my back and told her to ride me . She slowly lowered herself on my cock . I could feel her shiver as she kept going down till she got my entire cock in her . I felt her come before we even started fucking . " Oh Shit ! Fuck me ! It 's so big , " she screamed out . Ben was pissed that Beth asked another man to fuck her . He knew it was more than just the money . She wanted a good fucking and I was giving it to her . Her body moved up and down my cock . Her juices were coating my cock and balls . It was like she was having a continuous orgasm . Damn , she felt awesome . I felt her climax again . I reached up and rubbed her nipples . She put her hand over mine and smiled as I squeezed her tits . I needed to come . I asked Ben if he wanted me to shoot my load in her , on her face or on her belly ? He didn 't answer . I had her lay on her back and stuck my cock in her . She had her legs raised high up to her chest . " You love getting fucked don 't you ? " She nodded yes . " Ben wasn 't your first was he ? Damn ! You are one hot piece of ass . Too bad this is a one time thing . " " No , Ben was my third boyfriend . This doesn 't have to be one time , " replied Beth . She was still hot as can be , asking me to come in her . At that moment Ben got up and walked into the living room . I shot load after load into Beth 's pussy . I think Ben could hear her moans from the other room . He asked Bill for the rest of the money because he said he was leaving . Bill gave him the rest of the money . Beth didn 't care . She just needed a way home . After we were finished , she asked if she could rest a little bit which was fine with me . I finger fucked her while she lay there . Afterwards Bill offered to drive her home . There was no doubt that he was going to fuck this teeny bopper which was fine with me . That 's the way it went most of the time . Out of about thirty - five couples , thirty guys gave up their girlfriends for a thousand dollars . In some cases it was the women who convinced their boyfriends to do it . A few complained about the videos but went along . A half dozen didn 't like the idea of Bill being there . It didn 't deter any of them from taking the money , however . You got to give Gerald Barker and his poster boy Ben Franklin credit , they got me laid most any night I wanted . The few that said no seemed to do so because their girlfriends were against it . I believe only two wanted to fight but it just took seconds to convince them otherwise . We weren 't out to hurt anyone physically . I had to wonder if these were the marriages of the future , or would any of these couples even get married . I lived up to my promises and never had sex with the same woman twice . A few came back for more and said they would do it for nothing . I didn 't want to get involved anymore with them but Bill took a few of them out . He was quite the charmer in his own right . He told me often that he liked hanging with me . Besides being best buds he got a lot of ass . It usually only cost him dinner and a few drinks . In chapter two I decide to offer a thousand dollars to married couples and see what the results would be there . I 'd be surprised if they were different , but who cares ? I had made the bet with myself , so I couldn 't lose . |
The dead man was only a couple feet away from Candy when I saw him . He was on the wrong side of the chain - link fence but he was leaning on it , hard , and it was starting to sway . His clothes were bleached white by the sun and his skin was gray . His lips had rotted away , like most of his face , and his teeth were huge and yellow and broken until they looked very sharp . Candy was three years old . She didn 't even look up . There 'd never been a time in her life when the dead people weren 't around , weren 't reaching for her , gnashing their teeth at her . There 'd never been a time when Mommy wasn 't right there to save her . So I didn 't shout at her , didn 't scream for the dead guy to back off . I brought up my bow and nocked an arrow . Drew back , nice and steady , and took my time to aim . My bow string twanged but my arrow didn 't make a sound as it went right through the chain link , and right through his skull . The point came out the other side . I went over to Candy then , to get her away from the corpse . They don 't smell so bad anymore - the sun down here dries them out - but you can still get sick just by being near them . And sometimes they aren 't as dead as they look . Candy was squatting down on the ground by the pump house that used to fill up the swimming pool . She had a bunch of credit cards and she had laid them out on the yellow grass , sorting them by color . The plastic had gone white around the edges over time and the silver ink had rubbed off the numbers , but the holograms still flashed back and forth in the sun as I reached down to pick her up . It 's been a year and a half since I saw a bird . I don 't know when she ever had , but she knew , birds fly . Birds fly away . People have to stay on the ground , right where they are . Bruce and Finster came out of the shade of the motel complex wearing gloves and bandanas across their faces . I covered them with my bow while they dragged the corpse into the empty pool and set it on fire . The bottom of the pool used to be painted blue but the paint had chipped away months ago and now the bare concrete showed through . There were black scorch marks like flat craters all over the concrete . The guys couldn 't just drag the body out into the desert to rot away . That would just draw more of the dead - they don 't eat their own kind , but once you destroy the brain , all bets are off . Anything that could hurt us , anything that would draw attention to us , was dragged down into the pool and burned until there was nothing left but ashes and bones . I didn 't stick around to watch . I took Candy back to our room instead , to let her play inside where the air might be stuffy but she couldn 't just wander away . Then I went into the dark bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for a while . I did that every time I killed somebody . I was looking for any sign of fear , or weakness . If I found my lips were shaking I made them stop . If my eyes looked too wide I forced myself to squint . If I had gone white as a sheet I held my breath until my color came back . I could have been an actress . You know , Before . I was a dancer in Vegas - yes , that kind of dancer - but I was saving my money to go to LA . Then it got overrun and everybody there died . Guess it was a good thing I never got my big break . This time , when I stared in the mirror , I didn 't see anything looking back . My face was there , my cheekbones more hollow than they used to be , lines around my eyes a little deeper . Blond hair bleached by the sun . I looked even skinnier than I used to when I was dancing . But there was nothing there in my face , no expression at all . The rules were that when you even see a dead guy , you had to tell Vance . I headed out , leaving Candy alone where I knew she was safe , and walked down the row of motel rooms toward the reception office , the place he was most likely to be . As I stepped in through the glass doors I found about half of the survivors there . It was the stuffiest part of the motel , and there were no curtains on the windows so the desert light came glaring in , but ever since the dead came back people tend to want to congregate in central places where they can see each other , so reception is always crowded . There were old folks logging in cans of food from the last foraging expedition , and young guys bristling with weapons , just standing guard . Good people , all of them . I 've known plenty of the other kind , but we left all of them behind . Of course Simon was there , tinkering . Just like always . Simon was the only one of us who couldn 't walk , because he 'd lost both his legs . Whether that happened Before or After , nobody knew , because he didn 't like to talk about it , and if you pushed Simon on something he didn 't like to talk about he usually started screaming . He claimed he had Asperger syndrome . When we first met him most of us just thought he was crazy . A lot of us still thought he was a drain on our resources , which is one thing we don 't normally forgive . But Vance had refused to leave him behind when we headed south from Scottsdale . Said he would come in useful , eventually . Lucky guesses like that were what made Vance our leader . Simon , it turned out , had a way with machines . He could take them apart in his head and figure out why they didn 't work , and how to fix them . He 'd put a truck back together from spare parts back at Scottsdale and that was the only way we got out of that hell alive . The truck had brought us all the way here before it ran out of gas and we couldn 't find anymore . When Vance found the motel , with the little creek running behind it , it was Simon who figured out how we could pump water up from the creek and survive in the desert . Just looking at Simon , you would never believe it . He was maybe fifteen years old . He had a mop of black hair that hung down over his eyes . He was overweight , even after a year and a half of eating no more than I had . His fingers were pudgy and short and the nails were always cut down so far his fingertips bled . With a couple dozen yards of PVC pipe , though , and some parts from the empty swimming pool 's pumps , he gave us running water . He gave us water for cooking , and washing , and even cleaning our clothes . He gave us water to drink in a place where you could die in four hours without it . When I walked into reception he was fiddling with an old clock radio from one of the rooms , picking at a circuit board with those non - existent nails of his . " I wanna build a radio transponder , " he said . " So 's the Army can find us . I wanna build a computer so we can get back onna innernet . " In many ways Simon still lived in the Before - or maybe he just took the extremely long view , and assumed that this wasn 't the end of the world , just a momentary pause in civilization . " I wanna check my website , check my traffic . Traffic - traffic , we can get the traffic lights back on . " Vance stepped out from the back office and nearly tousled the kid 's hair . He stopped himself before he actually touched him - Simon does not like to be touched . " Don 't worry , " Vance said . " You and me , buddy , we 're going to rebuild the entire world together . " He probably already knew what had happened out at the fence . Bruce and Finster had probably already let him know . But he wanted to hear it again , from me . Vance is not a big guy but you can see in his eyes that he 's always thinking . He 's always two steps ahead , which is how he keeps us alive . Nobody ever voted for him to be leader , and he didn 't have to fight anybody for the right . He led us because he was always on top of things when the rest of us were just trying to survive . " One dead guy , out by the southwest fence . I got him with an arrow . " He nodded and reached over to touch my arm . Most guys I 've known , they would have grabbed me around the waist , or maybe patted me on the shoulder if they were trying to be PC . Vance squeezed my bicep . " I hear he was going for Candy . " He gave me another squeeze , on the strongest part of me . Like he knew . Just somehow he knew what was inside of me , and he approved . A guy like Vance , back in Before ? I wouldn 't have bothered giving him a second look . Now I 'd move into his room if he just asked . Vance nodded , but his brow was furrowed and I knew he was thinking of something . He went over to the drinking fountain that Simon had rigged up to be our main water supply . An inch - wide pipe stuck up out of the top of the box , and there was a crank on the side that pulled the water up from the creek . Vance started turning the crank but you could see on his face he was still thinking . " Simon , " he said , " is there any way to make that fence stronger ? " The boy started bouncing up and down in his chair . " Yeah , lots of ways ! I wanna sink the posts in concrete , and double up on the chain link , and uh , and uh , we could ' lectrify it if we had some solar panels , and there 's barbed wire - " He stopped suddenly , which wasn 't strange for Simon . Sometimes he just stopped talking and that was it . He would be silent for the rest of the day . Sometimes it was just a pause while he worked something out in his head . Vance was still winding the crank . You had to pull hard to get water out of the little trickle of the creek , and sometimes pebbles got in the pipe and you had to crank even harder . This time Vance was really working it , his arm flashing around and around . He 'd been too preoccupied to notice why he had to work so hard . Something was in the pipe , something bigger than a pebble . " Don 't throw up . Don 't do it , " I said , rubbing Finster 's back . When your entire food supply is comprised of tin cans you scavenge out of abandoned dollar stores , you can 't afford to waste a meal . Finster was looking green and starting to double over . Slowly he straightened up and started breathing deeply . " Thanks . I just - ulp . " He closed his eyes and turned away . Simon kept screaming . Sometimes when he got that way he wouldn 't stop for hours . This was a kid who used to freak out when his father couldn 't find the right brand of chicken tenders for his dinner . The new world was full of triggers , and not a lot of comfort . Vance grabbed the finger out of the pipe and shoved it in his pocket so nobody would have to see it . " Mike , Joe , I want this system taken apart and all the parts boiled until it 's sterile , " he said . The two men he 'd named rushed over to the water fountain to start disassembling it . They were good people and they didn 't wait until things had calmed down to get to work . Bruce shook his head . " It doesn 't necessarily mean anything . The creek out back flows all the way from Tucson , " he insisted . " Some dead guy just lost his finger off the side of a bridge , that 's all . " He glanced around the room , making eye contact with each of us . Then he shrugged . " We can 't afford not to know for sure . So we check it out . " One of Vance 's rules was that nobody ever went outside alone . When he decided to form a search party to go check out the stream , he took almost everybody with him . There were miles of canyons and gullies to check out , washes that could hide hundreds of the dead from view that had to be explored . In the end he left only a handful of us behind . Finster and myself , to stand watch and to coordinate the search via radio . Simon , whose wheelchair couldn 't make the trip . And , of course , Candy . Candy never left my side . The morning they left he had me do a radio check for him . Simon had rigged up a solar charger for a set of walkie - talkies we found in an overrun police station , and the radios had gotten us out of some pretty tight spots . We depended on them , but we didn 't trust them - you couldn 't really trust any technology from Before that relied on electricity . So Vance went up to the top of a hill about a quarter - mile from the hotel , while I went behind the motel 's detached laundry building and waited for him to call . " Are you getting this ? " he asked , and I confirmed . " How about now ? Good . So we should be back in three days . If it takes longer , I 'll let you know . " " I don 't think we 're going to find anything . If that 's the case , it 's still a good excuse to do some foraging , turn up some more cans of food . You sound worried . " " Do I ? " I asked . I was surprised . I 'd been keeping my voice very carefully casual . " I guess I 'm always going to be concerned , when we split up like this . " That was one of the first things I 'd learned , when this all began : Stay together . Let other people watch your back - you 're going to be busy enough watching your front . People who could work together , good people who cared about each other , stayed alive . People who couldn 't get along or who wanted to go it alone got weeded out pretty fast . " Don 't be . We 'll take the guns , and there 'll be enough of us to take care of just about anything . You know I wouldn 't put any of us at risk unnecessarily . " " I have to say I 'm glad you 'll be back here , safe . Though , listen - Finster has said some things , when you weren 't around . Well , a lot of the guys have . But when you 're alone with him , he might try to take advantage of that fact . " " I 'm not following , " I said . " I know you can take care of yourself , but … he might … offer his services , if you catch my drift . " I laughed out loud . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd laughed . " Well , " I said , " in the absence of a better offer , maybe I 'll take him up on that . " An hour later , the search party left , heading out through the big gate in the fence while Finster and I waved from the roof of the reception building , both of us covering their exit . Vance and his group took all of our guns , but I had my bow . I watched them go for hours , winding in single file down the road that ran alongside the creek , Vance marching along tirelessly at their fore . " We caught a couple of them today , working their way up the creek , " Vance said over the radio . " They were eating weeds and cactus , anything they could find . " He sounded tired . He 'd been gone for only a day but already he 'd covered ten square miles . He was pushing himself and his people hard , which made me nervous . " Honestly , Darcy , I didn 't expect to see even one out here . But I 'm worried these might just be stragglers from a larger group . " " One of them was wearing a business suit . One sleeve was torn off but his tie was still knotted around his neck . He didn 't look like a rancher or a tourist . He looked like somebody who belonged in a big city . I 'm worried that we 're seeing people from Tucson . " When it happened , when the dead came back to life , most people in this part of the country lived in the big cities . There were millions of them packed into small geographical areas . That just meant that when the end of the world came , there was more food for the dead . They rarely ventured out into the desert , which is why we had made our home there . But we had always considered the possibility that the city dead would eventually exhaust their food supply and start wandering out into the country looking for more . The dead are always hungry , and they don 't sleep . " Fine , " I said , steeling myself . He was right , there was no need to get worried - yet . " Finster 's been a perfect gentleman . Simon took apart the cash register and now it 's in pieces all over your office . He says he wants to build an electric water heater so we can have hot showers . " Candy picked up a finger full of beans and put it in her mouth . I watched her face , curled up in concentration . She was still learning such basic things - like how to feed herself . I smiled and she smiled back , then ate some more . I stood the next watch , during which nothing happened . Candy played quietly while I walked back and forth on the roof of the motel , making long circuits from the rooms back to the reception building to the poolhouse , keeping my eyes open , keeping moving so I didn 't fall asleep . The red rocks beyond the fence never changed , and nothing moved . A breeze picked up for a while , which was kind of nice . When my watch ended , I sank down in a folding chair and sucked some water out of a bottle . Finster climbed up behind me and just stood there for a while , not saying anything , just looking out at the horizon . I wondered if he was looking for Vance , the way I had been for hours . " Yeah . " I reached up to push his hands away . Then I stopped myself . If something happened , if Finster made a pass , would that be so bad ? It would help pass the time . And it had been a very long time since anyone touched me like that . There had been a time when I 'd gotten too much male attention , when it had been a drag . But that was Before . It wasn 't like Vance was responding to my veiled hints , after all . I started leaning my head back , eyes closed , letting things happen . The tension of eighteen months started draining out of me . Which , as we all know by now , is exactly when the bad things happen . This time , it was the radio squawking . I sat up straight and grabbed for the walkie - talkie . " We 're coming back fast , " Vance said . There was a lot of static and he was barely whispering , but my heart raced as I made out his words . " Get everything you can into the backpacks . We 're going to have to bug out . " " About fifty of them , all coming up the same canyon . They 're spread out pretty loose , and I think I haven 't seen them all . There 's probably more . Probably a lot more . This is Tucson . Go , now . Get things ready - we won 't have time to pack when I get back . " " Understood , " I said , and signed off . I turned to face Finster . His face was as white as - well , as white as a dead guy 's . " Let 's move , " I told him . We cracked open one of the motel rooms we used as cold storage and found the back packs waiting for us on an unmade bed . Ten of them , still half - full of stuff we never bothered to unpack . Bottles of purified water , bags of beef jerky and boxes of hard crackers . Canned food is heavy and if you 're carrying your supply on your back it slows you down . Into each pack we put survival gear , camp stoves , thermal blankets , first aid kits . Knives , lots of knives and other basic weapons . As much water as we could shove into the packs . If we were going to walk across the desert until we found another safe place we would need a gallon per day per person . There was no way we could carry enough , but the supply we had would just have to do . Finster and I didn 't talk while we worked . Candy was slung on my back , fast asleep . She learned how to do that very early on . When Mommy 's busy , you just go to sleep - that 's a survival strategy . Good girl . I didn 't feel bad about having to abandon the motel . It had been a good place , a shelter in a dangerous world , and I had no idea where we would find anything like it again . But the rules of this world are very clear : When you have to move on , you go and you don 't look back . The search party had taken all our guns , which wasn 't saying much - they had two revolvers and a . 22 pistol between them , and enough ammo to reload once . I had my bow and my quiver and Finster had a slingshot , a high - tech geek toy that could put a ball bearing through a dead guy 's skull at twenty yards . We geared ourselves up and hauled the packs out to the motel 's courtyard so the search party could just grab and go . It was only when all that was done that I realized neither of us had been watching Simon . Nobody would expect the boy genius to help us get ready , so I guess we just ignored him until it was time to get him prepared for the move . Vance and Joe , the two strongest men in our group , had a kind of stretcher they had built so they could carry Simon around . It even had a little canopy to keep the sun off of him . Simon hated the thing , though , and we never brought it out until it was absolutely necessary . Just seeing it would be enough to trigger one of Simon 's screaming fits . But he wasn 't in his room . Finster shouted to say he wasn 't in the office , either . I jogged back and forth across the parking lot , calling him , but got no response . He didn 't seem to be anywhere inside the fence . Lord knows how he made it all that way , crawling around on his arms . He had the gate open and had crossed both lanes of the highway beyond . There was a stoplight out there that hadn 't worked since Before , with a big electrical junction box at the base of its pole . Simon had the box open and was pulling wires out , making neat piles around him sorted by color . I called his name but he didn 't even look up . " Damn it , " I said , exasperated . This wasn 't the first time Simon had put us in danger , and I doubted it would be the last . I ran over to him , my heart pounding the second I was outside the fence , even though there was no sign of the dead in either direction . I tried to grab his arm and lift him up but Simon just went limp and his arm slithered through my hands . " Simon , come on , we have to go . " There was nothing for it . I just didn 't have the upper body strength to pick him up and carry him , not when he was going to fight me . I needed to get Finster to help . So I hurried back toward the gate , shouting for Finster to come help . Their clothes hung on them in tatters , and their flesh had shriveled on their bones . They must have run out of food in Tucson a while back and desperate hunger had driven them this far . Their eyes were cloudy with sun damage and their skin was covered in sores . Many of them were missing limbs , or at least fingers , but they all had their legs intact . When I saw them I understood what had happened . The fifty Vance had found in the canyons were the slow ones , the ones that didn 't keep up . You always expect them to be an unruly mob , shoving at each other and snarling at the ones who would rob them of their food . It wasn 't like that , though . They were barely aware of each other , but all of them wanted the same thing . They knew Finster and I were inside that fence . They moved in concert , pushing forward all at once . Never making the slightest sound . It was easy for the dead to take us by surprise , because they were as silent as the grave . They hit the fence like a human tsunami . That side of the fence had been the strongest part - we had reinforced an existing fence there that had been made to keep out coyotes . The dead had no trouble with it at all . It came jangling down and they climbed over what was left . I could have run up and joined him , and fired every single one of my arrows into that crowd in the time we had . Even healthy dead people move slow . I could see right away it was pointless , though . Neither of us had anything like enough ammunition . " Finster , " I shouted , " stop - you can 't get them all ! " " Come on . The reception office has the thickest walls , and we can get a couple of doors between us and them , " I told him , dashing around the side of the pool 's pump house . The dead were hot on our heels but we had no problem outrunning them . I rushed out onto the pool deck with my bow in my hand , an arrow already half - nocked . Good thing , too , because a dead woman in a pantsuit was already there waiting for me . She came stumbling toward me with her arms out , like she wanted to give me a big hug . I put my arrow right through her eye and jumped over her as she collapsed . " No ! We wait for Vance and the others to come rescue us , " I told him . Why couldn 't he see what we needed to do ? I saw a dead man wearing a police uniform come stumbling through the weak part of the fence and shot an arrow through his forehead . " Just stick with me , Finster . We 'll be okay if - " He kicked at her furiously , even as her teeth came closer and closer to his flesh . One bite and it was all over - nobody ever survived a bite . I nocked another arrow , but couldn 't be sure of hitting her the way Finster was jumping around . " It 's okay , I 'm okay , " he shouted , as he stumbled away from her . " She didn 't get me . " She was still crawling toward him so I put another arrow in her ear . That stopped her . " I made it , " he said , gasping for breath . " I - " I rushed over to the edge of the pool and looked down . He 'd fallen into the deep end and he was crying in pain . One of his legs was bent the wrong way . We didn 't have a minute . The dead were streaming around the sides of the pump house , coming straight for us . I felt Candy stir against my back as she woke up . Why couldn 't she just have slept through this ? I should have left Finster there , of course . That 's how it was supposed to work . If you couldn 't walk , you couldn 't survive . But then , Simon couldn 't walk , either . Vance had changed some of the rules . He 'd changed who we were . He 'd made us into good people again . Given us something to live for . He blinked away his tears and struggled to get up . When he tried moving his broken leg he screamed in agony . I looked away to check on the dead . They were very close now . Before I could look back at Finster , he reached up and snagged my arm . I hauled him upwards , pulling so hard I thought my arm might come out of its socket . He got his free hand over the lip of the pool , though , and helped me pull him up . " Stand up . Lean on me . We have to run , now , " I said , once he was out of the pool . " Think of it like a three - legged race , okay ? " He didn 't say anything . His face was a mask of pain . But he hopped on his good foot , his arm clutched tight around my shoulders . We were still faster than the dead . Inside the reception lobby it was dark and cool once I closed all the window shutters . The dead hammered on the steel core door from the outside , their fists banging away at the wood veneer . It was holding , for the moment . I locked it , though I doubted any of them were smart enough to try to turn the knob . Then I headed into the back office , where I 'd left Finster and Candy . " Nothing , honey , we 're safe , " I told her . And she believed me . It 's amazing how trusting a three - year - old can be . I had Finster laid out on the desk , his leg propped up on a pile of old file folders . There was blood on his jeans . That could mean one of two things . Either when he 'd fallen his leg had suffered a compound fracture - which was very bad - or that he 'd lied when he said the dead woman hadn 't bitten him . The only way to find out was to take his pants off , which I didn 't have the time or the steady nerves to do just then . I shoved my back up against the wall farthest from the door and sank down to sit on the floor . I just needed to calm down . I just needed to breathe carefully . This didn 't have to be the end for us . We could survive this . I wanted to cry . I wanted to scream and bang on the walls with my fists , and shout for the dead to go away , and tear my hair out , and curl up in a ball , and throw up in horror . I didn 't do any of those things , because Candy was watching me very closely . I pulled the walkie - talkie off my belt and checked the battery . Still about twenty minutes of talk time left . " Vance , " I said . " Vance , if you can hear me , come in . " There was no response , so I waited a minute and tried again . After that I waited five minutes before I tried a third time . Meanwhile I could hear the dead in the lobby . They 'd gotten through the door somehow . They didn 't make any noise but I could hear it when they knocked over furniture or crashed into the walls . How long did we have ? I closed my eyes and thought about how much I loved that man . This was the man who was going to save Candy . And me . And Finster . " Vance , we have a couple hundred of them here . We 're locked in the reception office and can 't get out . You have to come save us . " " Candy and I are fine . Finster broke his leg , and it 's bleeding . " I didn 't want to say what I suspected , that he might already be dying of a bite wound . " If he 's screaming too much , just let him play with his electronics . " Vance was quiet for a second . " Why don 't I hear him screaming ? " " He 's not in here with us , " I admitted . " The last time I saw him , he was outside of the fence . Opposite the gate . " " I 'm still here , Darcy . Just trying to save my breath . We 're moving fast . You say Simon is outside of the fence . Okay . That 's good . " Vance sounded determined . Steadfast . " All of the dead are inside the fence . Maybe they didn 't see him there . Maybe they just think you 're the better meal , since there 's three of you . " He took his mouth away from the microphone , but I could hear him giving orders . " Joe , Bruce , Phil , get down there and get that gate closed - that 'll give us a second or two . Arnold , do you see Simon down there ? Take Mary and just pick him up . Don 't stop if he fights you , just hold him still and pick him up . Yes , damn it . That 's exactly what I 'm saying . No , we are not leaving him behind . We need him if we 're going to rebuild anything . If we 're going to have a future . " " Vance , " I called . " Vance , what should we do ? I don 't think we can get out of here without help . Tell me your plan . " Outside , the dead started pounding on the office door . The furniture barricade jumped every time they struck . It was loud , very loud in the tiny office , and the air in there started to feel very stale . " We can 't . We don 't have the numbers . If I tried , I would just get all of us killed . I 'm sorry . We got Simon to safety , if it 's any consolation . He 's going to be a big help . He 's going to teach us how to build things . " " That 's - no consolation at all ! Listen , you stupid motherfucker , my baby is in here ! My little baby . She 's scared , and alone , and - " " Darcy , it has to be this way . We 're going to run away , and hope the dead don 't follow us . I think they 'll be too busy trying to get at you to notice . Thank you for that . Your sacrifice is going to let other people live . " " Call me names . Tell me what an asshole I am . If it helps , " Vance told me . " I promise , I won 't turn my radio off until I know it 's over . But I 'm sorry . That 's all I can do for you . " I swore and screamed at Vance , then , used every nasty , obscene insult I could think of . Called him a prick . Called him impotent . Called him a traitor and a baby - killer . Thought up some new names just for him . All comments must meet the community standards outlined in Tor . com 's Moderation Policy or be subject to moderation . Thank you for keeping the discussion , and our community , civil and respectful . Name Email Comment |
family since I do NOT believe in god , devil , angels , demons , hell , heaven , ghosts , magic or anything that has not been documented , so I just stayed at my house . Of course , I did invite some of my friends and a few girls just enough to have a small house party . I don 't want to talk to you about the party or my family being away from home so I am just going to skip to the interesting part . After all of my friends were gone , I cleaned ( some of ) my house and went to bed , turned on the TV and watched some boring show . I felt I was falling asleep so I turned the TV off and closed my eyes . After a good half an hour of turning and twisting in my bed , I heard a noise coming from the direction of my TV , I wasn 't suprised nor scared , TVs do make some wierd sounds so I didn 't even think about it . After 2 minutes the closet , which location is approximately 3 feet away from my bed , made such a sharp and clean sound that I immediately jumped out of my bed and and there was nothing in the closet , aside my clothes . I felt like I was going insane , I even sat on my bed holding my arms on my ears and questioning myself " am I going insane " because that closet DID make a really sharp sound , like someone ( or something ) was scraping really strong and sharp nails inside of it . After 20 minutes of questioning and encouraging myself I turned my lights off and went back to bed . I managed to fall asleep after only 5 minutes , but that didn 't last long . I woke up , covered ( or should I say , The next thing I remember is me waking up , the sun was up and I felt pretty good . The closet door were closed and I just thought " it must have been a dream " . The next few days I had trouble to sleep , there were corner of the place . On coming home we immediately checked all the pictures on my computer but not even one of them had captured the faintest shadow of a ghost . And we took nearly one hundred of them ! lolIn desperation , I used a group photo with four of us ( all stupid - looking ) in it and using Photoshop , superimposed this really scary ghost face on top . A fake ghost photo , successfully produced ! I showed it to another friend , and he looked at it and said : ' you . . . . this is for real , man . ' He then went really pale . Idiot ! lol So this story happened . . . Eh . . . About 3 years ago . I had 2 of my friends spend the night . Back then we were looking at anything as a challenge so , we decided to head to the back room / storage room which is where the connection / opening is for the electricians and that stuff for the to get into the walls . I 'll just call it the hole . So anyway , we went down there to play with my nerf guns ( lol ) and I went down there first to hide for an ambush on them and I swear on my life I hear the little pitter patter of feet in the hole and when I turn back I could hear the voice of a little girl asking for help and the gruff voice of an old man . At this point I was scared half to death so I ran back to my friends and that was the end of it . So we still live in the same house and my friends swear up and down that they 've heard the gruff voice of a man and thumping footsteps in the storage area . Coincidence ? Maybe not but all I know is that every now and then you can hear breathing from the air vents and I 've even thought to have heard a small scream , Spooky huh ? But you know we all have our stories and this is one of mine respect to all of you that read A man woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom . He got up and groped his way to the door in the dark . He was about to open it when someone knocked it three times from the other side . This was strange , since he lived alone in the house . He thought he must have a friend staying over without remembering it , as such things often happened after a night of drunken revelry . He therefore opened it without much concern . If you have read this story , you may have a visit from the same old woman within three days . If you hear the knocks three times in the middle of the night before you open a door , do not open it immediately , but chant the word " Uba - Yo - Sare " three times . This will make the malicious old woman go away . If you don 't follow the instruction , well . . . . . you know what happens . This is the first story I 've ever written on here so , I 'm very rusty ! Anyway , I 'll crack on . Now , this is a story that happened to me when I was 11 or 12 . The house that I live in is approximately 120 years old , so ghosts or spirits are about . I say this , only because of my experiences . I had finished school earlier that day , when I got home I had a game of Goldeneye on the Nintendo 64 ! What a game ! Anyway , when I come off it could find my mum . I had a feeling my mum or dad was in their room . I didn 't hear them or see them but I just had a feeling someone was in their room . As I walked in , I didn 't see anyone but , I started to feel something on my face . It felt like I had walked into a spiders web . As I wiped my face I heard someone say , " Matty Help me " . I jumped because this voice was right next to my ear but , I Had a feeling that the voice originated outside . I then walked to the bedroom window and looked out to see anyone , no one was about . Then , I heard " Matty help me " again , and the same thing happened , it was right in my ear . I froze and realised what had happened . Originally , I thought it had come outside , even though the voice was very close to my ear , I just had an incline that it had come from outside . When the voice repeated itself for the second time , I knew that this voice wasn 't from someone of this realm ! I immediately ran downstairs to find my mum , I asked her if she has been calling me . She said no , she was cooking my tea . When I explained to her about has happened , my mum didn 't know what to say apart from , " STOP PLAYING THOSE BLOODY VIDEO GAMES ! " . My experiences with the paranormal all started as a child when I lived in England . The earliest thing I can recall is having a dream about someone leading me to the rivers edge in our garden and showing me dead bodies floating down the river in old time period clothing . This dream would occur constantly . I have recently connected the dream to The Plague that swept through Europe , especially because of the clothes the bodies were wearing . I can still remember the dream vividly even though I haven 't had it since we moved from that house . There was , also , another time . My and she walked into the room . Then all of a sudden some force had slammed the door shut behind her and in my face . We both started screaming and were frantically trying to open the door to no avail . It was as if someone was holding it closed from the inside . We , finally , got the door open and ran into our room , completely frightened . When I was six , we moved to Las Vegas . Things in my life were calm for a while , but then came the voices . I would wake in the morning out of a dead sleep to voices screaming my name and the sound of paper being in the house at the time , screaming my name in a taunting manner . I would walk out of my room and check on everyone just to find everyone would still be sleeping . I would ask the voices to stop , but they wouldn 't so I would run and hide under my covers , until they would finally cease . This would occur once in a blue moon , but would scare the When I was ten , I had an amazing little dog . When she came into my life , the voices stopped waking me and she made me feel safe . When we first met , it was if we were meant to be together . She was a stray that I found under my mothers car . No one had ever seen her before and no one could find her owner . The day I found her , I gave her food and water and go shopping and I didn 't want to leave her . I was scared she would run away so I stuck her in a box and left with my family . To my surprise when I got home , she had escaped the box and was sitting at the opening to my backyard waiting for me . She had the chance to run , but stayed and waiting for me . My dad fixed the problem by cementing the ground under the gate that he built when he let me keep her . She learned to wait at the door for me . If I felt uncomfortable around anyone , she could tell and would nip at them to get away from me . Other than that , if I was okay , she was okay . We did EVERYTHING together . She was my protector and my best friend , but one day she had gotten out . I was playing at my friends house across the street when I heard my brother scream my name . To my horror , she was being attacked by two large dogs a few houses away from mine and that was the day she was taken from me . The night after she died , I had my bedroom door open . . . I started to hear her collar in the hallway . It was just around the time at night when she would leave my room to do her patrols around the house at night to make sure I was safe . I sat up in bed and to my surprise , I saw her ghostly figure walk right past my doorway . I ran out to look for her and called her name , but she was gone . The morning after , I got up before everyone . . . I was still mourning her loss . I walked into the living room and felt her following me . I sat on the couch and felt something jump up with me and then a breeze crossed my face and it smelled like her breath . It soothed My dad got a new dog shortly after to try to help . The day we got him , he ran into my room . . . Jumped up on my bed and started barking at nothing , staring at the side of my bed . He looked like he had been electrocuted ! Another time , we saw him run out into the backyard in a fury and then he slowly walked in backwards through the doggy door staring at something invisible , but the size of my previous dog , in front of him . He backed all the way into our hallway , again looking electrocuted . He was silent and scared . He was so focused on what was in front of him . I called his name and finally snapped him out of his trance . I looked at my dad and told him my dog was visiting again . boyfriend and I . We were at a gas station and shortly after the vision occurred , a man walked up asking for a ride . We said no . I don 't tell many people about my experiences . Some immediate family members don 't even know . I really wish I had someone to talk to about them and the possibility of me being psychic and what I should do if I am . I don 't know if I am . Maybe I 've had some strange coincidences ? Maybe I 'm crazy . Any advice ? I was only seven at the time , a few friends and I went to a bowling ally . Now our parents belonged to a bowling groups so we just chilled at the arcade part . One of the other kids told us a story about Bloody Mary . My friends and I didn 't believe them . So me and two of my friends went to the mens restroom . All we had was a flashlight . We turned off all the lights and chanted ' Bloody Mary , Bloody Mary , Boody Mary ' . My one friend then flashed the flashlight on and quickly off . I looked at the mirror and there was a girl . She looked like she was in her early twenties . She was looking the other way , yet started to turn towards us . My friends and I bolted out of there before she attacked us like the legend says . After this experience , I feel like someones always watching me . I haven 't tried contacting any other spirts after this . A few months after my friends did this , my dad died . Could she have driven him crazy enough to kill himself ? Could this spirit be so full of rage it drives people to shoot themselves ? Now , ever since this happened my moods are diffrent . I 'm 15 and some days I 'll just suddenly go into depression . Some days I just want to curl up and die . Could this be revenge for summoning her all those years ago ? My friends who did this with me all stopped talking to me . I met one recently and she seems ok . Could I have been the only one who seen Bloody Mary ? Could she only be after me ? If she is , then why ? This may have happened seven or eight years ago , but I still feel the effects . The story went like this ; there was a park where , if you went , you would see a boy always playing on his own . He would say to you " Let 's play together . " If you answered " Yes , " you would be killed but if you answered " No , " you could go home safe . The story quickly spread among children . One day the same girl went to a park and saw a boy actually playing there . The boy said to her , " Let 's play together . " The girl thought nothing of it and casually replied " Yes . " And the girl died . carried on watching it , wondering what it was . Soon a lot of names started appearing , moving slowly up from the bottom of the screen , like end credits of a movie ; and a monotonous voice read out these names one by one . So it went on for the next five minutes or so , against a quiet , gloomy music in the background . Finally when all the names had been said , the voice announced ; " They are tomorrow 's victims . Goodnight . " Ever since then I 'm too scared to watch anything on TV past midnight . And no one has ever believed my story either . Try out this test to see if you have got the ability to see ghost . 1 . Close your eyes . 2 . Visualize yourself standing in your room . 3 . Walk out of your room and make a tour around the whole house in your head , visiting all rooms one by one . Don 't read the rest of the article until you have gone through all the steps above . * * * * Are you done yet ? : ) Now , did you meet any strangers in any of the rooms you went into ? If the answer is yes , you are psychically predisposed to see ghost ! ( Hurrah ! ! ) And by the way , that stranger you saw in your visualization was a real ghost . 1 . Pour half the cup of salt water into your mouth ( don 't drink it ; keep it there ) * 4 and get out of the hiding place and start looking for the doll . The doll is not necessarily in the bathroom . Whatever happens don 't spit out the salt water . MOST IMPORTANTPlease don 't stop this ritual halfway . You must do it through to the end . This is a dangerous ritual and I will not be responsible for what happens to you if you try . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My first week there was normal . I was caught up on sleep from being in the middle east and my internal clock was working just fine . I 've been back in the US for a little over a month . My second week at the new house wasn 't that great . I was always waking up at 3am or sometime in between 3am and 4am . I decided to drink Monsters and Red Bulls so I could crash when I stayed up . I still woke up at that time . I dealt with it by calling my wife , who was in Seattle and stayed on the phone with me until we woke up . ( I know I know . . . awww . . . ) . But it seriously worked every time . I would call her at 3am or whenever I woke up or we would just sleep on the phone together and I would sleep right through . Some time passed and I see a tiny little , bowl cut haired head . It was me when I was a toddler at the left side of the bed . Slowly the tiny hands reach up and then there 's a little toddler me on top of the bed crawling towards me . I remember thinking , " S * * * , here we go " . Before I knew it , little me is on top of me , eating my heart . At least that 's what my last thought was before I sat up and looked around . I turned the light on , found my cell phone , called my wife back up and went to sleep . I just laughed it off and told all my buddies and we made jokes . I The second night , I was on the phone with my wife and passed out . I had a dream that I was at my family 's old house in Seattle . It was a one story house in a cul de sac . I was messing around with my sisters when these 2 guys knocked on the door . Their eyes were glowing amber - ish red . they wanted and they said , " We want to eat your souls ! " . I laughed and told my older sister what they wanted and she started to fight them . I get into the fight and I pull out my knife and stab one in the back of the neck and twist it all around . All of a sudden , everything changes and everyone disappears . I 'm in a new building , with metal stairs leading up to brick wall , with no door . I look around and see a boarded up window and a metal door . I open the door and I see the " demon people " with guns , patrolling the area . I hear an evil hiss and one comes charging at me . I take him out and take his gun . Oddly enough , a door appeared out of nowhere and I opened it to discover a kitchen , with 3 tables in the middle , and weapons stacked on the tables . I tried to sneak around but a demon man saw me and hissed at me , so I shoot him . I was then surrounded by more demon people , them shooting me and me shooting them , until I fell on the floor and started grabbing weapons off the tables . They jumped on me and I tried to shoot them all but they didn 't die and neither did I . We all ran out of bullets and then they helped me up and we laughed . I woke up literally laughing . Told my wife and my buddies and once again , just laughed it off and joked around . Wednesday night , I am in bed early because I am on the shooting range for the week and have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn . I slept early and didn 't get to call my wife . I was up at 2 : 58am and I called my wife . We fall asleep on the phone . I 'm laying on my stomach , with the phone on my left ear , as my head is facing left . My arms are above my head , underneath my pillow . I dream about an exorcism at a random house I 've never been to , with people I 've never met . All of sudden I hear , " GO GO GO " ! And we all run downstairs in a garage and get into a double sliding door , white mini van . We drive away and the guy sitting next to me starts screaming like he 's on fire . He 's looking out through the rear window and I turn to look . I see this transparent green when I feel my sheets being pulled , my arms are pulled by the sheets , making my hands touch my head . My bed creaks . I feel something straddling my back . I feel the weight , and the bed sinks and creaks some more . It felt like someone was sitting on my back , with their knees digging into my lats . I can 't move , open my eyes or scream . I can 't do anything . I felt helpless and I would 've cried but I couldn 't . Then I heard my wife say something . And it goes away . I flip the light on grab my pistol and look . I look for something , someone or anything to cause them pain . I 'm pissed and scared at the same time . But no one is there . Just me and my pistol . It was around 340am when " it " let me go . I wake my wife up and tell her everything . We pray and we pray . ( We are both Catholic , getting ready to be married in church , already married in court ) I can 't sleep , I refuse to . I go to my buddies house and tell him what happened . I sleep on his couch and go to work . I tell the rest of my buddies what happened , no one laughs , no one jokes . I don 't have sleep paralysis , so please don 't mention it . I was fully awake when it happened . I don 't have PTSD . Or any mental or emotional issues . I was 22 years old , and in the best physical shape as a US Marine can be , and is suppose to be . I didn 't take drugs or was intoxicated by alcohol or any mind and body altering substances . Before those three days , I didn 't watch any evil , demon , war movies or TV shows Carla and I decided to spend the night at our friend Rennae 's house , which was located in Union City , California . That night we were just hanging out in Rae 's upstairs den - playing video games , chatting , watching movies , and other things . That 's also where we spent the night and we were near the railing of the stairs . Around midnight to 1 am when we all began getting tired , Rennae decided to share some secrets about her house , which she has never shared with anyone before . She told us that she always had strange feelings about living there , whether she 'd be alone during the day / night , or with her family . There was something in that house that seemed to make her feel very uneasy . She told us that she suspected that her house was haunted , because it heard many strange noises , especially at night . Noises that included consecutive scratching on the walls , objects being moved from a distance , and even footsteps . However , there was one noise in particular sounded like a little girl singing . Carla and I joked about her lying for a while but at the same time , we did somewhat believe her - - because she wasn 't the type of person who would lie / joke about these things . After talking about it we all dozed off around 1 : 30 am . About an hour later , I heard something strange coming from downstairs . Since we were sleeping near the railing , it seemed like it was coming right from the bottom of it . I would describe the sound as the shuffling of footsteps / distant whispering of a person . I covered my head with my blanket , started getting cold sweat on the palms of my hands , and stayed quiet . ( I thought to myself , maybe if I just ignore it , it 'll stop . ) The noise went on and it seemed like the more I ignored I couldn 't take it anymore so I woke up Carla and asked her if she could hear the footsteps or whispering too - - or if I was just going crazy . We listened quietly and the noise continued . Carla and I just looked at each other shocked at what we were hearing . We both decided to wake up Rennae and we tell her about the noises we heard . It scared us even more because the noises we were hearing were the exact noises Rennae has been hearing for the last few years . Although , it seemed like everything just became quiet . We looked towards the stairs and nothing but pitch black was at the bottom . Then , after a couple of minutes . . . That 's when we heard the sound of a little girl singing . We couldn 't really hear the words she was singing but what we do know was that she was singing parts of a song - - like a singer who only remembers some words of a song . During those minutes of listening to her sing , we were all frozen solid just glaring at each other with our jaws completely dropped . I was honestly about to cry because I hadn 't felt so terrified in my life . The little girl had eventually stopped singing and after that there was nothing but silence once again . From that moment on until morning came , we ended up sleeping together on the same couch , which was away from the stairs so we wouldn 't have to see the downstairs from where we were sleeping . The next morning , Rennae decided to move out and stay with one of us for a while until she found another place to live . We never knew who or if anyone decided to move in at that house next . For all we know now it could be abandoned due to the number of hauntings that might have taken place . From that day on , the only thing that remained in our minds was that creepy song that little girl sung . Sharing this with you gives me shivers all over because all I could think of is that creepy song . . . Thanks for reading and I hope none of you have to ever encounter a thing like this . had no particular feelings towards the girl , but she didn 't dare to be the odd one out and so bullied the girl along with the rest of the class . She remembered saying some cruel things to the girl . Mayumi got closer and noticed the girl was looking very happy . And somehow she kept jumping at the same spot . Mayumi was puzzled . The spot where she was jumping on was a manhole . Why was she jumping like that , smiling like mad ? " Nine , nine , nine , nine . . . . " The girl kept muttering while she jumped . " What are you doing ? " Mayumi asked the girl . But the girl didn 't answer and just went on muttering , " nine , nine , nine , nine . . . . " " Hey ! Don 't you ignore me ! " Mayumi said with more heat in her voice . But still the girl said nothing . Until that moment , Mayumi never despised the girl like the others did , but what with the girl enjoying all by herself and ignoring her completely , a sudden feeling of anger welled up in her . " Why the hell are you doing that ? " She asked once again . But the girl went on jumping happily as before , as if she hadn 't heard Mayumi 's outburst . Then suddenly a strange idea occurred to Mayumi that maybe this " jumping on the manhole as you say numbers " is a very wonderful and interesting thing to do . It was a stupid idea , Mayumi herself wanting to make the girl stop what she was doing . Mayumi somehow couldn 't accept that someone like her was enjoying herself in that way . " Move ! I 'll try that myself ! " Mayumi said , and pushing the girl away , stood on the manhole herself . Mayumi bent her knees well before making a big jump . At the exact moment , the girl who had been pushed away , quickly , and using all her strength , removed the lid of the manhole . Mayumi fell right into it . The One afternoon , a boy walking home from school was approached by an old woman . " Do you want a leg ? Do you want a leeeg ? " The boy tried to ignore her but she wouldn 't go away . " Do want a leeg ? Do you want a leeeg ? " She asked him , over and over again . " I don 't want a leg ! " The boy rebuffed her harshly . A horrible scream rang out in the darkening street . People who rushed to the scene got the shock of their lives . On the street lay a boy who got his leg torn off . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - There is no escape from the Legmonger . If you say no to the monster , you will lose your leg like the boy above ; but say yes to her and she will put the third leg on you , whether you like it or not . There is only one answer that would get you safely out of the situation : Tell her , " I don 't want your service , but I suggest you go and ask ___ ( someone 's name ) " She would do as you say and go to the other person , but make sure you say the name of someone you don 't like . . . . A ghost is someone who hasn 't made it - in other words , who died , and they don 't know they 're dead . So they keep walking around and thinking that you 're inhabiting their - let 's say , their domain . So they 're aggravated with you . - Sylvia Browne - Welcome This blog is all about Japanese ghost stories , urban legends and other bizarre and scary things . Don 't view any of the articles if you are mentally disturbed , very young or easily influenced by negative words and images . Only healthy and responsible adults are welcome here . |
Below is the story that I wrote for the YA LGBT Books Group Valentine 's Day challenge on Goodreads . The challenge was called " Hell & Love Hearts " and the goal was to write about demons and such , and love . Enjoy ! Kris Hunter looked up at the cracked and overgrown facade of the small two - story house in front of him . He 'd heard rumors of this house , this supposed portal to hell . The people of the nearest town feared it - none of them would even drive him out to the place , just utter directions and beg God for forgiveness afterward . Kris had been forced to walk the ten miles , glad that he had worn sneakers and that everything he had brought with him was in a convenient backpack . An elderly woman opened the front door as soon as he set foot in the overgrown driveway . She hobbled out onto the dilapidated porch and down the rickety steps , stopping on the bottom one . " What can I do for you , lad ? " she called , voice wavering a bit . " I have been very interested in curses , ghosts , and demons since I was a child , " he explained . " Now that I 'm on my own , I travel the country to investigate places that are supposedly haunted or cursed . Would you mind if I visited for a few days ? " Kris shook his blond head . " I don 't , ma ' am . It 's just me . One day I 'm going to write a book , but for now I just enjoy the experiences . " She smiled , and it was quite sinister for an old woman . " If you 're so set on finding out , you 're welcome to stay . You can have the attic . It 's a cozy little apartment . " The stairs to the second floor were treacherous , and the apartment that was his was no better . The window was cracked and a threadbare couch was the only place to sleep - there was no bed , only some scraps of fabric on a metal box spring in what was clearly supposed to be a bedroom at one end of the attic . At the other end was a door that was locked . Kris decided not to offend his hostess by trying to get it open . There was a TV in the middle of the main room , an old - fashioned thing that showed nothing but static . The only things that seemed new were the blanket and pillow on the couch . Tired from his walk , Kris lay down on the couch and let himself go to sleep early . No doubt , creaks from the ancient house shifting in the slightest of breezes would wake him later . " My name is Mikolai , " his voice was soft , and it added more terror to his presence . " This is my domain . Many have come before you , and likely many more will come after . You will either set me free , or you will die . Likely , you will die . " Was someone trying to mess with him ? If they were , it was one elaborate hoax that they 'd have to keep up with . No , this had to be real . It was happening . Mikolai crossed his arms and raised one perfect brow . " I see you 're a talker . Go on , then . Ask all your questions . Might as well get it all out in the open . I tire of being a mystery to everyone . " " There is no word in your language for what I am . I am the child of a man with a demon soul and a mortal woman . I was born in this house twenty - five years ago . I am trapped here until I am set free to be a human , or I am forced to be a full demon . " " How can you be set free ? " Kris questioned , curious . If it meant his own life , surely he could figure out a way to help that no one else had . " The same way all curses are broken , " Mikolai answered without emotion . " A human 's true love will make me human . If I do not find love , killing all those who become trapped here will slowly bring my demonic powers to a greater strength , until I must live permanently in the demon world . But the woman who loves me will be forced to die as my son is born , and my son will become what I am now . " So he probably couldn 't help . After all , love wasn 't something to be forced . " What about the woman downstairs ? Is she your grandmother or something ? " Mikolai laughed , and it didn 't sound evil at all . " She 's not real . That was me . I come up with disguises when I 'm bored here . I cannot leave this house . Now you can 't , either . " " Your body 's functions are halted for a time here . It will take weeks before you feel thirst , and there is water here , though it isn 't the best . It won 't kill you , but you 'll hate it . You 'll find you only need to relieve yourself once a day . It will be months before you feel hunger . When you begin to starve , I will have to kill you . " Mikolai started walking toward the locked door . " If that were the case , you 'd be dead already . It is more that I give myself very little chance . " It was just after dawn when he was startled awake again , once more by Mikolai 's presence . The strange man was sitting on the floor in front of Kris , staring at him with his eery red eyes . Kris couldn 't help but wonder if there was going to be some torturous activity in the near future . It didn 't seem likely that this demonic being was going to just let him live peacefully in his house until the inevitable killing took place . Kris was surprised by the simple question . " I told you , I like visiting haunted places . I like finding out what stories are true and what ones aren 't . " Kris shrugged . " Not really . My parents don 't want much to do with me . The only excitement I get from life is discovering new haunted places . " " Well , you have found your last adventure , " he said quietly , then stood up . He didn 't look nearly as terrifying in the daylight , but there was still something decidedly unhuman about him as he moved to the cracked window . " My demon blood demands that I travel to the demon realm for some time every day . While I 'm gone the house is yours . Just don 't enter my personal room . " During these times when he was alone , Kris wandered the tiny , ramshackle house . He found nothing to even suggest that any other human had been in the house , just a lot of dirt and dust . The strangest part was the obvious lack of animal activity ; there were no rat or mouse droppings , no bats roosting in the attic rafters , not even a single spider or cockroach . It was as if everything was afraid to be near the half - demon living here . Everything but the weeds . Mikolai always returned just before dusk , and Kris wasn 't sure why he liked having the being around . It wasn 't as though they spent much time socializing . Mikolai always asked him if he 'd done anything interesting , and Kris always shrugged and gave a vague answer . It was obvious that Mikolai was trying to be polite , since he surely knew that there was nothing for a cooped up human to do in that tiny house . Kris had tried to leave once , and had found it physically impossible to leave the porch steps . He was a prisoner , and Mikolai knew that . After those strange moments of conversation , Mikolai would vanish into his room , and would remain completely silent until morning . Kris wished he knew what his host did in that room , what he did in the demon realm , how he felt about trapping humans - he wanted to know so much more . He just didn 't know what he could ask . Finally , with the knowledge that Mikolai was going to kill him no matter what he did in the end , Kris broke his host 's only rule and slipped into Mikolai 's room when he was alone . At first he expected a horrible demonic lair , but that wasn 't what he found . Had Mikolai set up an illusion , and left the door unlocked to lure him in ? Had the door even been locked since the night Kris had arrived ? Would Mikolai know he was here , even in the other realm ? It didn 't matter . Kris needed to know more about his host . Immediately , he began looking around the room . It was much more than Kris had expected . There was king - sized bed with blood - red sheets , a closet with no door but what appeared to be a large number of red and black robes , and a large wooden table covered in partially - burned candles . Kris noticed something else on the table ; a black leather book with a black ribbon marking a page . Beside it was a quill and a bottle of red ink - at least , he chose to think it was ink and not blood . Was it some sort of journal ? # 39 - He 's gorgeous . I 'm going to hate killing him , I know it . If only I knew … but I don 't know how to ask . I 'm tiring of this . At least he didn 't force me to kill him right away like the rest of the men have . The women always think they can make me fall in love , the men never want to try . If only … # 38 - She 's far too old . And a woman . Why can 't I find someone I can actually love ? Why can 't there be a man , one who will actually try ? A floorboard creaked outside . Mikolai was back already ? Kris quickly shut the journal and moved across the room , his heart pounding . Mikolai marched in , slamming the half - open door hard against the wall with a massive bang . He was beyond terrifying . His red eyes were slits , his fingers ended in claws , and he suddenly had fangs . He didn 't give Kris time to answer , though . Instead , he grabbed Kris by the shoulder and threw him from the room . Kris stumbled madly across the main room , coming to rest against the couch . His shoulder hurt , and when he touched it , his hand came away bloody . When Kris didn 't answer , Mikolai slammed him against the wall again . He was holding his prisoner by the arms , and Kris felt - and heard - a sickening crunch as the bones in his left forearm snapped under the power of the demon holding him . He let out a scream that should have been heard for miles as his vision became spotted . Just before he blacked out he thought he saw Mikolai 's face change from demon to human like a switch had been flipped inside him . Looking around the room in confusion , Kris noted the burning candles and the thick scent of incense . Mikolai was sitting on the floor in the far corner of the room , and seemed to be meditating . Demons meditated ? " I 'm sorry for coming in here , " Kris said sincerely . " I didn 't mean to upset you . I just wanted to know more about you . " " I 'm sorry for breaking your arm , " Mikolai stated . " That was my demon side , which shows itself when I get angry . When I realized what I had done , I did my best to heal you . The incense helps to ease the pain . " Kris could hardly believe what he was thinking . Maybe the incense was getting to him . " I 'm going to die anyway , right ? Might as well get it over with . " Kris cut off his words with a kiss , but Mikolai didn 't hesitate . It was startling for Kris to learn that he was wrong with two of the assumptions he 'd had about his host ; Mikolai did not actually have fangs or a forked tongue . Mikolai was also gentle with Kris ' injured arm - completely undemonlike . When the transformation finally happened , it involved a blinding light and demonic scream that shook the house and blew the roof away . Mikolai blacked out and almost fell off the bed before Kris caught him with his good arm . Struggling to hold him , Kris gently lowered his lover to the floor , where Mikolai slowly came back to himself . Kris noticed the changes immediately ; many of the sharp angles of Mikolai 's face had softened and his eyes , when he opened them , were deep brown , not red . After a moment of looking at himself in wonder , Mikolai climbed back up with Kris , laughing and crying . He held on to Kris tightly , crying against his chest . Kris held him , grinning . Anyway , this SST is different . Today I have a short story from The Angel . This is something I wrote recently , because I kept thinking about what happened the night Brian did all his mean things . I think a lot about the side characters from The Angel and what they were doing at certain times . This is one of those times . A soft summer breeze blew across the city , bringing with it the sounds and smells of an average day . Alone on a bridge over a calm river stood a man . Arik leaned against the rusted railing and stared off into the distance as cars passed behind him . A woman walked past him on the bike lane , talking loudly into her cell phone about her car insurance bill . Arik didn 't even hear her . He was too lost in his own thoughts . Memories replayed before him , increasing the pain in his heart . He vividly remembered the events of nearly three weeks before as a lump grew in his throat . Arik was taken aback . " I told you I was running an errand , " he replied calmly . " I had told you the day before that I had something to do . " " I don 't know his name ! " Leo practically shouted . " All I know is that he claims you were with him while you were running your ' errand ' . " Anguish began to rise in Arik . " Leo , do you really think I 'd cheat on you ? " He reached out to touch him , to try to calm him . Leo smacked his hand away . " He showed me a card you 'd given him ! Do you know what it said ? It was a Valentine 's day card ! It was signed ' love Arik ' ! You gave it to him this year ! He said so , and I know your handwriting ! " Arik tried to defend himself . " Leo , whoever this idiot is , he 's trying to hurt us . You know I 'd never do anything like this . " Arik dropped his dark blue gaze to his hand and stared at the silver ring on his palm . He 'd tried so hard to hold on to Leo that night , but all his lover seemed able to do was command him to pack . In the two weeks that followed he had tried calling and catching Leo anywhere he could . But now , as they closed in on three weeks , he 'd given up all hope of ever being happy again . He closed his fist around the ring tightly , fighting back the tears that were building . It would be impossible for him to find someone else ; he 'd never cared for any of his exes as much as he had for Leo . He 'd really felt like he was in love . All time seemed to vanish as he stood on that bridge , reliving the happiest times of his life . His light blond hair rippled in the breeze and he closed his eyes , breathing deeply . There had to be something to make him happy again . Maybe when his sister 's baby was born he could lose himself in spoiling the kid like any decent uncle . Maybe then life would seem worth living , and maybe Leo would just be another name on his list of exes . His eyes suddenly flew open . It had been one of them , one of the others he 'd dated before , who 'd broken up him and Leo . One of them obviously wanted some sort of revenge , so he 'd used an old card to trick Leo , a card that had to be over two years old . Arik kicked the railing in frustration . Why hadn 't Leo even considered this ? It was then that a car swerved to the shoulder , not far from where Arik stood . He only half acknowledged it , until someone called out his name . He looked up slowly , and to his shock he saw Leo walking toward him . Emotion overpowered him and he had to look back out over the river to keep himself under control . He didn 't move , just stared out into the distance . Yet , he couldn 't help but wonder why Leo actually sounded concerned . He managed to ask in a hoarse , choked voice , " Why do you care ? " " You knew then I 'd never hurt you by doing anything , " Arik said quietly . " Since the day we first started dating I was faithful to you . I don 't understand why you 'd take something a stranger said as truth , just because he showed you a Valentine I 'd given him more than two years ago . " " I … I know , " Leo replied , almost too quietly to be heard over the passing cars . " I know what I did was stupid . I 've known for the last two weeks . I was just stressed and overworked that day … and that guy had been dropping hints about us . He works in my office , and as soon as he saw a picture of you on my desk … he starting going at it . I let him play me too much . I 've been trying to call you , but every time I do your mom says you 're out or working a new shift . And you never answered your cell when I tried that . " " Arik , I 'm really sorry for what I 've done , " Leo told him , his own voice tight with emotion . " I wish I hadn 't been so stupid . And I know it 's probably unfair to ask , but could you possibly come back to me ? " Looking up , Arik saw tears in Leo 's chestnut eyes . He didn 't say a word as he turned and wrapped his arms around his lover , not caring in the least who saw them . Leo 's arms slipped around him , and Arik could feel him trembling as he cried into the shoulder of his tee - shirt . Arik finally let his own tears fall as they held each other tightly . Several minutes passed before they pulled away and dried their eyes . Arik smiled at Leo and whispered , " I love you so much , Leo . Thank you for coming back . " Arik had to laugh . " No . I 've been depressed since you broke up with me , but I 'm not close to suicide . No , I was going to get rid of this . " Leo 's hand traveled slowly to his gaping mouth as he looked back down to the ring . " Oh God , " he repeated . " I feel so horrible . " Arik could see the irony that Leo had to see . He changed his hold on the ring to grasp it between his fingers . " This isn 't exactly the way I was planning on doing it , but … " Leo hesitated briefly before taking the ring that was being offered to him . He examined it , found the inscription inside , and read it softly , " ' You , me , and love forever . ' Yes , forever . " He slipped the ring on and shared a fierce hug with Arik . " I missed you . " When the tender kiss ended they both got into Leo 's car and headed toward their favorite restaurant . It sent a jolt to Arik 's heart when he saw the ring on Leo 's hand that held the steering wheel . They came to a red light and Leo caught him staring . With a smile , he rested a hand on Arik 's thigh . This , dear readers , is a very , very , very , very old short story . I have absolutely no idea how long ago I wrote it , but it has been at least five years . ( Yes , I did some editing before I posted it . ) Enjoy ! Chance rolled out of bed and yawned . His gaze fell on the dog calendar hanging on his wall . He could see the number at the bottom of that day 's box ; 1 , 139 . Three years , one month , and thirteen days . That was how long he had been alone , without Mack . On the dresser beside that calendar was a framed picture of a young man with sleek brown hair and bright hazel eyes . Chance walked over to the dresser and lifted the picture from it . He gently brushed off the thin layer of dust that had accumulated since he 'd last cleaned two days ago . For 1 , 139 days he 'd looked at the picture , hoping that the pain would go away , but for 1 , 139 days it had remained . He couldn 't bring himself to get rid of the picture , or to date anyone else . There was a yearning still , a yearning that wouldn 't die . He wanted to be with Mack again , and he had ever since they 'd parted ways 1 , 139 days ago . Seven states lay between them now , but for the first time in 1 , 139 days , Chance was ready for a change of scenery . He put down the picture and sat on the bed . From his nightstand he pulled a folded paper . It was what Mack had jotted down his new number on before he 'd left . Chance glanced at the clock , and he knew Mack would be awake already , even on a Sunday . With trembling fingers he picked up the phone and dialed the number on the paper . He tapped his foot as he waited , listening to the ringing on the other end . He hung up on him , tears burning his eyes . After 1 , 139 days he was finally certain that it was over . He should have known that Mack would have moved on . He was a lovable guy , after all . With shaking hands he tore up the paper holding Mack 's phone number . He wasn 't going to thrust himself into a life where he wasn 't wanted . The phone rang beside him , but he didn 't pick it up . He flopped back on the bed , letting the tears come . Then the phone stopped ringing and he heard Mack 's voice from the answering machine in the den . For three days Chance stayed at home in a deeply depressed state . Mack had stopped calling after the first hour of that first day , but that didn 't make him feel any better . He called in sick to work , then took his remaining two weeks of vacation time . Fortunately , he had an understanding boss . A knock on the door brought Chance out of his depressing thoughts on the that third afternoon . Wondering who could possibly want to visit a moody gay guy who was still in his pajamas , Chance answered the knock . What he saw shocked him . There stood Mack , exactly as he remembered . He was dressed in a light jacket , jeans , and a pair of sneakers . His brown hair had been cut shorter since they 'd been together , but everything else about him was so familiar . She had long brown hair that flowed about her shoulders . Her shirt and skirt were both pink , and she had matching shoes . The hand that wasn 't holding onto Mack 's awkwardly held the hem of her shirt , as if she were nervous . Her bright blue eyes looked wearily at Chance . She couldn 't be any older than three years . Chance swallowed back tears . Mack had obviously moved right on as soon as he 'd gone to Georgia . He couldn 't find his voice , only stare . " Her mother is my sister , " Mack went on . " She couldn 't take care of her , once her boyfriend left , so I adopted her . It was a couple months after I moved back there , and I thought it might help me to get over you . Raising her kept my mind off you at times , but I haven 't stopped missing you , or loving you . " " I guess we had a misunderstanding on the phone . You heard me talking to Ella , not anyone else . She 's been my only love since you . When you ignored all my phone calls I figured the best thing to do was take some time off and come visit you . Why did you call ? " Chance took a step back , holding the door open . Mack took the hint and stepped inside , leading Ella . Chance smiled as he closed the door , then hugged his old love tightly . Mack returned the hug , but they didn 't kiss as Chance had hoped . " We can 't get too far ahead , " Mack murmured into his ear . " I don 't want her freaking out . You need to win her over . " Chance nodded and pulled away . He wanted so desperately just to pull Mack into the bedroom after so long , but he held himself in check . Mack gave him an encouraging smile , and Chance knelt down before Ella , who had been watching them . Mack knelt down next to him . " This is Chance . He 's a very dear friend of mine from years ago . " He put a hand on Chance 's shoulder . " Why don 't you say hi ? " Mack gave him a smile , one that mixed gratitude with relief and joy , then he left with his daughter . Chance walked to his room , thinking he might be dreaming . It wasn 't until he was halfway dressed that it finally hit him ; Mack wanted their relationship back as much as he did . That was why they 'd come all the way from Georgia just to see him . Chance shook his head . " It 'll take me longer than a few days to get things organized here . It 'll be a month or so . " " I 'm on vacation for two weeks , " Chance explained . " I can hand in my forms when I go back to work . Then I 'll just have to pack and sell off a few things , mainly the house . I 'm sure Mom would take care of that for me , though . " Chance , stunned , shook his head . " I don 't think so . I know Mom would be more than happy if I asked her to sell the house so I could be with you again . " Mack smiled slightly , then pulled Chance into his arms . They embraced tightly , and they kissed softly . Mack had tears in his eyes when they pulled away , and Chance gently brushed away the ones that escaped . " We can make some , " Chance replied , pulling out the milk and chocolate syrup . He took them over to the table , then grabbed a plastic cup for her . This he filled just over half way with milk . " Tell me when to stop , " he told her as he began squeezing in the syrup . He nodded and got her one . With a smile he placed it in the cup , then removed he spoon , taking a bit of the chocolate milk for himself . " It 's ready , " he told her . Chance smiled , but could say nothing around the spoon . He dropped it into the sink , then replied , " Thanks . Do you think she 'll think so too by Saturday ? " The night was clear and quiet , except for the sound of the box fan running outside the guest room that had been given to Ella . They 'd found it in the basement , after Mack had explained that she had one at their house , and she couldn 't sleep without it . He 'd used the sound to soothe her into sleep when she was a baby , but they 'd found other , just as beneficial reasons for the loud fan that night . Mack rested his hand back on Chance 's shoulder . " Just that there was someone I cared a lot about that I needed to see again . I said his name was Chance and he was a very nice man who meant more to me than I could ever imagine . I told her I missed him because I hadn 't been able to see him in three years . " Chance nodded . " I thought maybe the pain would go away after a while , but it never did . I just marked my calendar with each full month that passed , hoping the numbers would start to be just numbers . They never did . " Mack smiled and gently stroked Chance 's cheek . " When you called , I was so hopeful . I thought you were asking to come stay with me . Of course , I had to be an idiot and talk to Ella when I knew you had to be incredibly anxious . " " I shouldn 't have hung up on you , " Chance argued . " It was my fault . I should have let you explain . I just jumped to conclusions . " Chance smiled . " I love you . " He pressed his lips to Mack 's , realizing how much he 'd missed this closeness over the last 1 , 141 days . Ella warmed up to Chance quicker than he had expected . Thursday evening she convinced both him and Mack to watch one of her Barney videos with her . They sat on the sofa , Mack in the middle with an arm around each of them . Chance sat with a hand on Mack 's knee and his head on Mack 's shoulder , pathetically drawn in by the video . It was hard to tell them goodbye Saturday morning , but he did it . He made breakfast , then helped load the car . Ella hugged him goodbye and gave him a kiss on the cheek . With a smile he hugged her back and kissed her forehead . Mack smiled , though he had tears in his eyes . He got into the car and started the engine . As Chance watched the car pull out of the driveway and turn down the street , both Mack and Ella waving from within , his vision blurred with tears . This time they were tears of joy . Exactly one month later Chance rang the doorbell of the neat white house . He saw a little face in the window and a happy shriek followed the ring of the bell . Moments later the door opened . Mack half pulled him inside to hug him tightly and kiss him deeply . They were both crying when they pulled away , and Chance knelt to embrace Ella . After bringing in all Chance 's bags and sharing a joyful dinner , they sat down to watch TV , Ella sitting between both Mack and Chance , who had their arms around each other . Chance couldn 't help but smile . At last he was completely happy , and life was his . He had what he 'd wanted for so long . Somehow I managed to forget all about this post ! I blame school . I was also busy making fun of people who really thought the Rapture was going to be today . Naois recovered quickly from his brush with death , and Conan continued to reject the idea that his brother had been the victim of an otherworldly demon . He never returned to his brother 's room that day , though he sent Ara to bring him lunch and dinner . Naois could hardly bear his frustration . To have his brother completely disregard his story hurt him unfathomably . Avichai was the only one who seemed to be on his side . The apprentice stayed in the room until Ara informed him that Conan needed his assistance . Naois spent the remainder of the day lying still in bed , allowing the last of the Killdark to be destroyed . It wasn 't until dusk that Avichai returned , just after dinner . " You can stay here tonight , " he told the Fallen . " You shouldn 't move too much until morning . I 'll find somewhere else to sleep . " Naois shook his head . " Here . " He moved over to the edge of the bed , his back to the center , and wrapped his wings around himself . " Have the other side . " Avichai surveyed him for a moment , then smiled . " Thanks . " He made himself comfortable on the opposite edge of the bed , wings surrounding him . Soon they were both asleep . Naois was the first awake the next morning . He got up and stretched , his wings nearly filling the entire fourteen - foot - long room at their greatest extent . No pain or dizziness overtook him , signaling that the Killdark was completely neutralized . He rolled up his sleeve and saw no remaining sign of the purple welt that had been there before . With a silent yawn he made his way to the window and gazed out at the sunrise . The first rays of sun touched his pale face and he leaned against the window frame . His attention was drawn from the golden sky minutes later by the presence beside him . He glanced over at Avichai and found that the light of the dawn contrasted them greatly . While it hid him in shadows it allowed the Pure to glow , and he couldn 't tear his eyes away from him . He longed for that same glowing Purity to be his again . He lifted a hand , without thinking , and lightly touched Avichai 's wing . The pure white feathers were silky and light beneath his touch , until a split second later they were pulled away . Avichai hadn 't been expecting the touch . Naois quickly took his hand back , looking away . Naois nodded and looked out to the sunrise , thinking of what came with being a Pure and that which came with being a Fallen . " I just want my dignity back , " he whispered . He knew it was more than that , but he didn 't know how to explain all that he felt to someone who had never shared his experience . " I 'm afraid now , to leave this house . I don 't know how anyone expects me to Purify with so many others wanting to kill me . My own brother has even lost what respect he had for me . " He swallowed back the lump in his throat . The Fallen reached out and carefully selected one perfect feather four inches long . Avichai didn 't flinch when it was removed , and a new feather grew in its place immediately . The Pure turned to face the Fallen , pulling a strand of white hair from his scalp . Naois , slightly confused , allowed Avichai to loop the long hair around his neck . Avichai then took the feather and pressed it to the ends , his lips moving in silent incantation . Naois waited , and very shortly felt a warmth about his neck . Avichai stepped back and the Fallen looked down . A fine silver chain held the light feather around his neck , contrasting to the black robes it rested against . He gently touched the feather , then the chain , before looking back up at the apprentice . His smile gave away his gratitude , and their embrace was instantaneous . Avichai nodded and stepped closer . " Your wings are like the clear night sky , " he mumbled , " and your hair is white at the ends , too . Soon you 'll be like the rest of us again . " Naois smiled and hugged his friend as he had that morning . He knew the ordeal was far from over , but three days as a Fallen was enough for him . At last progress was being made . The onyx streets were nearly empty by that dusk hour . Just within the gates of the realm sat an angel obviously different from the others . His long , flowing hair was black , not white , and the large wings sprawled about him were of that same , cruel color . The white robes that should have covered his body had been replaced by a worn - out pair of mortal jeans . He held his head in his hands , questioning himself over and over about what had happened to him . Naois lifted his sapphire eyes to see the angel before him . He was like the others ; a Pure . Atop his head was a circlet of braided gold , the symbol of marriage that mortals mistakenly took to be a halo . Blazing blue eyes gazed at the sitting male with something between shame and embarrassment . Naois ripped his hand out of his grip . " Like you even want to help me , Conan ! " he accused . " You 'd just love to see me suffer ! " " Well at least you still have the same attitude ! " Conan snapped back . " If you don 't master that , I 'll tear off your wings and throw you down to Earth myself ! Damn it , Naois , how did you even get permission to visit Earth in the first place ? " " I 'll be lucky if I keep that job after this ! " Conan pushed him roughly , forcing him to start walking . " You have ten years to Purify yourself or you will be thrown to Earth . Understand ? The Council 's already watching you , and I 'm not going to lie to them when they ask me about your progress . " For a long moment all that could be heard between them was the soft sounds of their footsteps on the onyx roadway . Naois was deep in thought , trying to comprehend all that was about him . He knew he was a Fallen , an angel cursed into darkness by sin , and that he first had time to change before his full punishment was given . But that was all he knew . " But … I … " Naois didn 't know what to say . Why hadn 't he assumed that ? After all , he did remember waking up in a run - down hotel room without clothes moments before realizing his wings were black . But , he knew that was something he wouldn 't sanely do . Something was missing . They had reached their house , and Naois shot his brother an ungrateful glare as he entered . He slammed the door in his brother 's face and flopped down on the floor , lying with his wings spread out . It didn 't matter to him what Conan thought . He knew that whatever had happened to him hadn 't been his fault . Conan walked across the room , stepping over a long black wing . " I 'm letting you live here , " he pointed out as he disappeared into an adjoining room . " And I 'll tell you how to become a Pure again . " He didn 't speak again until he reappeared in the room holding something black , which he threw at his brother . " That sounds too unlikely , " his brother answered . " This love can also be in the form of friendship . I know you 've never had a friend before . It 's your only option , because very rarely does the Council forgive . I have forgiven you only because you are my brother . " He closed the door without hearing what else Conan was about to say . He was back in his room at last , and he dropped onto his soft bed with a groan . His confusion and worry left him as sleep dragged him away . Minutes later he awakened to someone speaking words that he didn 't register . He opened his eyes drowsily , and jumped so severely that he fell off the bed , bruising a wing . " Who are you ? " he demanded . The Pure male who had been leaning over him gave him a curious look , which gave way to a sharp scowl . " Avichai . Conan 's apprentice . Who are you ? " " Just take it , " Naois ordered , getting up . He wasn 't in the mood to argue , so he left the room and walked upstairs . There was a large sunroom that was lit by moonlight streaming through the windows . He climbed onto one windowsill and sat , one wing drifting out the open window . With a sigh he leaned his head back against the frame and gazed at the stars a moment before closing his eyes . Naois just shook his head , but was distracted by a group of three Pures on the ground below . The two men held small bows with dart - sized arrows , and the woman was cursing Naois . Before he could realize what was happening and get into the room , he felt three sharp pricks in the wing that had been floating outside , followed by one in his shoulder . He flinched in pain and fell into the sunroom , knowing what was inside the darts he 'd been shot with . It was Killdark , a poison used against Fallens . Avichai seemed to know it , too , as he instantly yelled for Conan before going to Naois 's side . " Don 't move , " Avichai ordered , removing the darts . " Don 't make it circulate faster . " He rolled up Naois 's sleeve , revealing a slowly growing purple welt where the dart had been . " Damn it , " Conan spat . " Ara ! " he called down the stairs to his wife . " We need the Killdark remedy made , now ! " He looked back into the room . " Avichai , we need to get as much of that out of him now or he 'll die before we make the potion . I need to help Ara . You need to draw it out of him . " " There you go . The poison has no effect on Pures . " Conan headed for the stairs as he spoke , leaving Avichai staring at the growing purple welt on the wounded Fallen 's arm . Naois tried to speak , making Avichai look back at his face . No words came , but he managed to mouth a shaking " please . " Avichai nodded , and as he leaned his head to Naois 's arm , the Fallen lost consciousness . Time for another edition of Short Story Saturday ! This time we have the first part of a short series I wrote for my creative writing class a few years ago . In it , you will find some characters who are major players in Vows ( though I eased up on their strict adherence to tradition in the novel ) . Enjoy ! The room was darkening with the setting sun , and the flames from wall - mounted torches danced eerily in the Grand King 's office . Grand King Deandre was pacing before the darkening window , his hands clenched in tight fists that swung dangerously as he moved . The torchlight made his tight jaw and scowling brows more frighteningly defined . Second King Shelton stood watching him , fingering his nearly non - existent beard as thoughts moved rapidly through his mind the way they always did . Queens Xiao and Yvona were standing beside each other , hands over their mouths . Yvona was crying . It was young Prince Evant that all the fuss was over . He stood , arms crossed , as his brown eyes followed his father 's movements . No matter what any of them said or did , he was not going to give in . It didn 't matter to him that he was still only eleven years old , or that he was attempting to sever tradition . His happiness was what he valued . " What do you mean it isn 't right ? " his father demanded . " The people of Phelin have followed this tradition since the first royal family took power three hundred years ago ! No member of the royal family can rightfully refuse this tradition ! " The Grand King took a great step forward , hands outstretched as if to grab the boy . Xiao grasped Yvona 's arm so violently that both their bodies swayed a moment before they stood perfectly still , wide eyes fixed upon their family before them . Shelton acted swiftly , jumping into Deandre 's path before any harm could be done . Deandre took one look at the Second King 's lavender eyes and turned away . He went to sit by the window , a look of anger still plastered to his aging face . Shelton glanced over at the wives , who were still holding each other in fear . " I think Evant should be allowed the right to speak , " he said , " without any of us interrupting . " Evant built up his confidence and began , " I do not wish to take part in the traditional marriage custom . I don 't think it right , in my own opinion , to take two wives and a husband . I don 't believe it possible for me to love three equally . " The Grand King 's eyes flashed to him , but the Second King merely shrugged . " Then what do you intend ? " Deandre demanded of his son , looking back at him . Deandre made a sound that was something of a snarl and rose again to his feet . He would have gone for Evant if only Shelton and Xiao hadn 't grabbed his violet robes . " You must follow the tradition ! " he yelled , straining against the hold and causing Yvona to put a protective arm around their boy . " You 're a prince of Phelin ! " " But I 'm not the heir ! " Evant yelled right back . " Wildas is ! And even if he dies I won 't take his place ! " " Deandre ! " Yvona called , raising her voice over the others as Evant sat shocked beside her . " If you take his life from him I refuse to remain your wife . " " If he dies under your control , I leave , " she went on . " No matter how I love you , I cannot tolerate a man who kills his son for choices he makes . Shelton and Xiao may be able to forgive , but I cannot . " Deandre locked eyes on his son , now nearly trembling . " All right , " he responded . " Evant , you are to pack what you can carry . This is your last night in the castle of the royal family of Phelin . " This is another new feature I 've decided to include , since I recently came across a number of short stories I wrote a while ago , and I 'd love to share them . This will be a bi - weekly event . The first story does not involve any of the characters you may know , but I like it . I originally wrote it for a contest , where it got third place , I believe . They entered the elaborate dining room then , and Klin caught sight of a youth his age wiping down the already polished table . He was beautiful , even at a distance . Dark , lavishly dark brown hair fell straight to his shoulders , flowing as he worked despite its slight tangles . Klin caught a glimpse , only briefly , of plum - colored eyes that fell quickly to the work he was doing . His clothes were more snug than they should have been , despite the youth 's thin frame . Klin took one more look at the boy . Nylen . It was the name that came to him , and that 's how Klin would think of him . Everyone deserved a name , especially a slave . Soon Klin and his father were settled in the house and a large stable was being built behind it . Klin grew used to seeing Nylen regularly , but he couldn 't suppress the anguish he always felt at the young slave 's situation . Though Klin 's father wasn 't overly cruel , it was clear by Nylen 's almost constant silence and skittish movements that he was used to far more than harsh words and a rare rap on the shoulder . " He doesn 't hurt people unless they deserve it , " Klin explained . " Small mistakes don 't usually upset him too much , though he does have a temper . So , how old are you ? " The young man finally turned to him , a confused look in his plum eyes . " Why do you speak to me as if we are equals ? " He bowed his head quickly . " Please , forgive me . " " Forgive you for what ? " Klin asked . " For asking a question ? Nylen , I 'm not your master . In truth , I want to be your friend . I hate seeing you so alone . " Klin thought a moment and realized he 'd used his personal name for the servant . " Nylen , " he replied . " I think it 's your name , or , it 's the one I gave you , at least . " Klin smiled . " Everyone should have a name , especially someone as hard working as you . Now , let me help you . I have nothing better to do anyway . " Over the next several weeks Klin helped Nylen whenever he had the chance , whether it was simply by keeping his own room as clean as possible , or by working with the slave on his chores . He easily got to know the young man , and soon there was no hesitation or awkwardness in their conversations . Klin learned how Nylen had suffered at the service of the house 's previous owner , and saw the scars that were proof . He learned of Nylen 's hopelessness , how he knew he 'd only be free when he died and so had tried to kill himself twice before . Each time he had been found , sent to a healer , and brought back to be punished severely . Klin listened as a good friend would , and in turn told of his own life . He told him how his mother had died when was a toddler , of how his father occasionally lost his temper if things didn 't go his way , of how he 'd grown up around horses . The day he first brought a smile to the unfortunate servant 's face was the day Klin felt his heart warmed by him for the first time . And the more Nylen smiled the more Klin felt drawn to him . If only he could get him away from his terrible life of service … His father shook his head . " Don 't get attached to him , like I tell you with the horses . I can sell him any time I wish to . " Nylen sighed and took another piece of the freshly - baked bread . He then sat down close to Klin . They ate silently and Klin felt so content beside Nylen that he smiled as he finished his small dinner . He didn 't want to think about his father possibly selling the slave or hurting him ; he cared about him too much . He jolted to reality when he felt a hand touch his . Only then did he realize that he 'd rested a hand on Nylen 's thigh , and Nylen had rested his own hand on top of Klin 's . Klin looked at Nylen 's eyes , hoping to find out if the servant was taking this as friendship , or the deeper feelings it was meant to portray . Nylen 's plum eyes had a gentle glitter that Klin wasn 't used to . And he was smiling that sweet smile that warmed Klin 's heart . Almost before he realized it , Klin lifted his free hand to caress Nylen 's cheek . The servant 's eyes almost seemed to mist and Klin felt an arm snake around him . He leaned closer , his heart soaring . Their sweet , tender kiss sent his heart skipping . He slipped both his arms around Nylen , and kissed him like he 'd never dreamed of kissing anyone before . When it ended it was too soon , but it stirred them both so that they looked at each other and laughed happily . They kept their relationship to themselves , only expressing affection when they knew for sure that no one would catch them . Gradually they became more and more daring in their exchanges , until the night when Klin slipped silently from his room to the one in which Nylen slept . It would have been more comfortable in Klin 's soft bed than the pallet on the floor that the servant called a mattress , but neither of them thought of that . He froze as soon as he saw the couple , cowering , heads bowed , naked . Klin didn 't dare look up , because he knew his father 's temper was close to breaking . It had to be . Both youths scrambled to obey , but he had moved closer and pushed Nylen back to the floor . " You stay , " he growled , then grabbed his son by the arm . " Get your pants on ! " he ordered . Klin obeyed and let himself be dragged from the room . He glanced back at Nylen , who was cowering on the floor , his head covered by his hands . Klin 's heart broke with the fear of what was to come as he was dragged down the hall to his own room and thrown inside . His father slapped him across the face . " It was ! Klin , you slept with a servant - a slave ! And as if that wasn 't terrible enough , it was a male slave ! " Everything was silent as he slipped from his room only minutes after his father left . He moved as quietly as possible out of the house , easily avoiding anyone . Outside , he stealthily made his way to the stable , but he wasn 't seen anyway , since all the stable hands were gathered about to watch - from a distance - Nylen 's brutal punishment . Klin slipped a bridle onto his mare and led her from her stall . He swung easily onto her bare back and headed out of the stable . He kicked her into a full gallop toward the crowd , which broke out of his way as he rode in . Klin just maneuvered his mount between his father and his lover , who was tied with his arms at each of two fence posts . He knew his father would never harm a horse for any reason , and he also knew that his personal mare would only respond to his commands , not his father 's . Klin hopped from her back , pulled his knife , and cut the ropes binding Nylen . The slave was shaking and his back was bloody and raw . Klin could tell he was in shock and he guided him to the horse . " Hold on , " he commanded , slipped his knife back into his belt , and boosted Nylen onto the mare 's back . It was the moment Klin 's father had waited for . Immediately , he tried pulling Nylen off , but the boy clung to the mare 's mane . Klin easily swung up behind his lover and kicked his father 's arms away . Enraged , the man raised his whip , but Klin drove his mare into a wild gallop . Klin held Nylen firmly with one arm around his waist and steered his steed away with the other hand . He hardly noticed the blood from Nylen 's back smearing onto his bare chest . " Let 's rest , " Klin suggested , stopping the mare beside a stream . They had followed a game trail into a patch of woods , and were now in a clearing . Klin helped Nylen dismount and embraced him gently . " I 'm sorry I wasn 't fast enough to stop him before he started . " " It would be foolish of me not to stay with you , " Nylen told him . " I don 't know how to survive alone , and I don 't want to be away from you . I love you . " Klin smiled and ran a hand through his lover 's tangled hair . " Then let 's find a village for some food and a healer . After that we can find a place to live . Together . And you won 't be my slave . " " I can 't cook , so you can still do that , " Klin told him . " Now , maybe we should keep riding . I don 't think my father will follow us , but you need a healer . " |
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